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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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<i>[man 1] Ms. Pat, you've been a mom</i>
<i>since you were 14 years old,</i>

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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{\an8}<i>literally since your first period.</i>

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{\an8}<i>[Ms. Pat] Fuck you, Dion.</i>

6
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{\an8}<i>Chris, why does Dion</i>
<i>look better than you today?</i>

7
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{\an8}<i>Dion, you look like a Black Ken on crack.</i>

8
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<i>[all laughing]</i>

9
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<i>[man 2] You're about to shoot</i>
<i>your first special.</i>

10
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<i>How do you make people laugh</i>
<i>through all you've been through?</i>

11
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<i>I don't dwell on shit</i>
<i>I don't have control over.</i>

12
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<i>-[objects clatter]</i>
<i>-[girl screams]</i>

13
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<i>But I do have control</i>
<i>over this ass-whooping</i>

14
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<i>I'm about to give these kids right now!</i>

15
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<i>Let's take a break.</i>

16
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<i>[audience cheers and applauds]</i>

17
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<i>[announcer] </i>Atlanta, show your love
for your hometown hero.

18
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<i>Make some noise</i>
<i>for the one and only, Ms. Pat!</i>

19
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<i>["Bad Girl" by Siryuz playing]</i>

20
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<i>All right, goddamn it.</i>

21
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<i>[cheering]</i>

22
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<i>Yeah!</i>

23
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<i>All right.</i>

24
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<i>[chuckles] All right, shut the fuck up.</i>

25
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<i>You letting a bitch know she done made it.</i>

26
00:01:06,608 --> 00:01:08,359
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

27
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<i>So glad to be here. So glad to be here.</i>

28
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<i>Atlanta, finally fucking home.</i>

29
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<i>Home of the only place</i>
<i>you can get a PPP loan</i>

30
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<i>and ain't got no fucking business.</i>

31
00:01:18,578 --> 00:01:19,537
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

32
00:01:19,621 --> 00:01:21,581
<i>All you niggas going to jail.</i>

33
00:01:21,664 --> 00:01:22,832
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

34
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<i>I'm on the phone the other day,</i>
<i>talking to my girlfriend, y'all,</i>

35
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<i>complaining about these damn kids,</i>
<i>these crack babies I'm raising. I'm…</i>

36
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<i>Yeah, I'm raising</i>
<i>my fucking niece's crack babies.</i>

37
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<i>I'm on the phone complaining,</i>

38
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<i>"These motherfuckers</i>
<i>getting on my goddamned nerves."</i>

39
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<i>My friend was like, "Why you always</i>
<i>calling them kids 'crack babies'?"</i>

40
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<i>"Were they really born on crack?"</i>

41
00:01:40,892 --> 00:01:42,519
<i>I'm like, "Bitch, I don't know."</i>

42
00:01:42,602 --> 00:01:44,270
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

43
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<i>But I do know</i>
<i>the baby was born on cocaine.</i>

44
00:01:47,190 --> 00:01:50,568
<i>She was like, "Cocaine? Oh my God.</i>
<i>How did you get her off cocaine?"</i>

45
00:01:50,652 --> 00:01:53,029
<i>I'm like, "Bitch, I stopped</i>
<i>giving her cocaine."</i>

46
00:01:53,113 --> 00:01:55,698
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

47
00:01:55,782 --> 00:01:57,158
<i>I'm a fucking convicted felon.</i>

48
00:01:57,242 --> 00:02:00,745
<i>She act like I can go to the hood</i>
<i>and get the baby a bump or some shit.</i>

49
00:02:00,829 --> 00:02:01,704
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

50
00:02:01,788 --> 00:02:03,414
<i>I get pulled over by the police,</i>

51
00:02:03,498 --> 00:02:06,960
<i>now I gotta explain to the officer,</i>
<i>"Officer, this is not my cocaine."</i>

52
00:02:07,794 --> 00:02:09,754
<i>"It's for the baby back at the house."</i>

53
00:02:09,838 --> 00:02:11,047
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

54
00:02:11,131 --> 00:02:13,383
<i>The fucking mama ran off</i>
<i>with the breast milk.</i>

55
00:02:14,551 --> 00:02:17,303
<i>And this is my third set of crack babies</i>
<i>I've raised, y'all.</i>

56
00:02:17,387 --> 00:02:19,139
<i>And I told God, "This is it."</i>

57
00:02:19,222 --> 00:02:22,183
<i>I'm 49 years old with a fucking</i>
<i>seven-year-old at my house</i>

58
00:02:22,267 --> 00:02:23,977
<i>that's talking me to fucking death.</i>

59
00:02:24,060 --> 00:02:27,147
<i>Let me tell y'all something.</i>
<i>My periods still come on, I'm ovulating,</i>

60
00:02:27,230 --> 00:02:28,898
<i>and I'm going through menopause.</i>

61
00:02:28,982 --> 00:02:31,484
<i>These kids done fucked up my equilibrium.</i>

62
00:02:31,568 --> 00:02:33,778
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

63
00:02:33,862 --> 00:02:36,197
<i>My niece is on the fucking phone</i>
<i>the other day,</i>

64
00:02:36,281 --> 00:02:38,741
<i>running her fucking mouth,</i>
<i>lying her ass off, talking about,</i>

65
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<i>"Everybody know I love my kids."</i>

66
00:02:40,785 --> 00:02:43,204
<i>I'm like, "Yeah, bitch,</i>
<i>everybody but your kids."</i>

67
00:02:43,288 --> 00:02:44,497
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

68
00:02:44,581 --> 00:02:46,499
<i>"Bitch, let me end this conversation."</i>

69
00:02:46,583 --> 00:02:47,667
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

70
00:02:47,750 --> 00:02:49,794
<i>Talking about,</i>
<i>"Everybody knows I'd die for my kids."</i>

71
00:02:49,878 --> 00:02:52,589
<i>I'm like, "Don't do that, bitch.</i>
<i>You ain't got no life insurance."</i>

72
00:02:52,672 --> 00:02:53,506
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

73
00:02:53,590 --> 00:02:55,508
<i>Fuck around and die, now I gotta bury you,</i>

74
00:02:55,592 --> 00:02:57,594
<i>take care of your kids, and buy cocaine.</i>

75
00:02:57,677 --> 00:02:59,679
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

76
00:02:59,762 --> 00:03:03,016
<i>Fuck is wrong with you?</i>
<i>How much money you think I got, crackhead?</i>

77
00:03:03,683 --> 00:03:05,935
<i>These some bougie-ass</i>
<i>crack babies too, y'all.</i>

78
00:03:06,019 --> 00:03:08,104
<i>They do shit</i>
<i>I would've never done as a kid.</i>

79
00:03:08,188 --> 00:03:11,149
<i>They walk in the room the other day,</i>
<i>don't even knock on the door.</i>

80
00:03:11,232 --> 00:03:14,903
<i>And if you're raised by a Black parent,</i>
<i>you better knock on that fucking door.</i>

81
00:03:14,986 --> 00:03:16,863
<i>You better knock, peek around that corner,</i>

82
00:03:16,946 --> 00:03:20,158
<i>and make sure you don't see where</i>
<i>your mama hiding 'em good snacks at.</i>

83
00:03:20,241 --> 00:03:24,120
<i>My mama didn't have no front teeth,</i>
<i>and she's used to love them Moonpies.</i>

84
00:03:24,204 --> 00:03:25,246
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

85
00:03:25,330 --> 00:03:27,373
<i>[chuckles] But she didn't give us none.</i>

86
00:03:27,457 --> 00:03:29,542
<i>She made us eat them fucking gingersnaps.</i>

87
00:03:29,626 --> 00:03:31,336
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

88
00:03:31,419 --> 00:03:32,837
<i>You know, them hard-ass cookies</i>

89
00:03:32,921 --> 00:03:35,131
<i>you gotta soak like beans</i>
<i>before you eat 'em?</i>

90
00:03:35,215 --> 00:03:36,466
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

91
00:03:36,549 --> 00:03:39,093
<i>[scattered applause]</i>

92
00:03:39,177 --> 00:03:40,553
<i>Not these fucking crack babies.</i>

93
00:03:40,637 --> 00:03:42,847
<i>They walk directly up</i>
<i>in my fucking room, y'all.</i>

94
00:03:42,931 --> 00:03:44,641
<i>And the little boy is always leading.</i>

95
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<i>And I don't trust them first two,</i>

96
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<i>'cause they remember</i>
<i>being at the crack house with their mama.</i>

97
00:03:49,062 --> 00:03:53,233
<i>So, I always keep me a small pocketknife</i>
<i>in case I gotta joog one of them niggas.</i>

98
00:03:53,316 --> 00:03:54,400
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

99
00:03:54,484 --> 00:03:56,611
<i>Fuck y'all. I'm a hood-bitch.</i>
<i>I stay ready.</i>

100
00:03:56,694 --> 00:03:58,905
<i>-[audience laughing]</i>
<i>-[chuckles]</i>

101
00:03:58,988 --> 00:04:01,616
<i>The little boy</i>
<i>walk up in a room, "Auntie."</i>

102
00:04:01,699 --> 00:04:03,576
<i>I'm like, "What do you want, Raymon?"</i>

103
00:04:03,660 --> 00:04:07,121
<i>He's like, "We would like to know</i>
<i>if we're gonna eat dinner tonight."</i>

104
00:04:07,997 --> 00:04:10,500
<i>I'm like, "Y'all some bougie-ass</i>
<i>crack babies."</i>

105
00:04:11,167 --> 00:04:14,045
<i>"Using words like 'dinner'</i>
<i>and 'tonight' together."</i>

106
00:04:14,128 --> 00:04:16,047
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

107
00:04:17,090 --> 00:04:19,217
<i>Nigga, I would've never</i>
<i>walked in my mama's room</i>

108
00:04:19,300 --> 00:04:21,177
<i>and said no shit like that.</i>

109
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<i>I would have walked in my mama's room</i>
<i>like this. "Mama."</i>

110
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<i>-[audience member] Right.</i>
<i>-"We gonna eat today?"</i>

111
00:04:26,599 --> 00:04:27,934
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

112
00:04:28,017 --> 00:04:29,602
<i>"'Cause it's almost tomorrow."</i>

113
00:04:29,686 --> 00:04:31,521
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

114
00:04:33,064 --> 00:04:35,066
<i>[chuckles]</i>

115
00:04:35,149 --> 00:04:37,318
<i>My mama would be like,</i>
<i>"Get your Black ass downstairs</i>

116
00:04:37,402 --> 00:04:39,070
<i>and go eat you a water sandwich."</i>

117
00:04:39,153 --> 00:04:40,655
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

118
00:04:40,738 --> 00:04:43,116
<i>Y'all niggas ain't never had</i>
<i>no water sandwich?</i>

119
00:04:43,741 --> 00:04:47,787
<i>Know how you bite that Sunbeam bread</i>
<i>and chase that shit with a glass of water?</i>

120
00:04:47,870 --> 00:04:49,914
<i>And all that shit gets stuck</i>
<i>in the top of your mouth.</i>

121
00:04:49,998 --> 00:04:53,209
<i>And you got a butter knife in your mouth,</i>
<i>looks like you're sucking dick.</i>

122
00:04:53,293 --> 00:04:55,461
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

123
00:04:55,545 --> 00:04:57,880
<i>Don't play with me. How quickly we forget.</i>

124
00:04:57,964 --> 00:05:00,133
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

125
00:05:00,216 --> 00:05:02,969
<i>Because I remember waking up one day,</i>
<i>I'm hungrier than a motherfucker,</i>

126
00:05:03,052 --> 00:05:04,887
<i>and that damn water sandwich wore off,</i>

127
00:05:04,971 --> 00:05:08,433
<i>and I'm sitting there</i>
<i>watching my favorite cartoons,</i> The Smurfs.

128
00:05:08,516 --> 00:05:10,310
<i>-Y'all remember </i>The Smurfs?
<i>-[audience] Yeah.</i>

129
00:05:10,393 --> 00:05:13,855
<i>Oh my God, I used to love Smurfette</i>
<i>'cause I knew she was a ho.</i>

130
00:05:13,938 --> 00:05:16,065
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

131
00:05:16,149 --> 00:05:18,609
<i>You know ain't nobody</i>
<i>got that many damn brothers.</i>

132
00:05:18,693 --> 00:05:20,445
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

133
00:05:20,528 --> 00:05:22,905
<i>And I'm watching that shit</i>
<i>on our floor model TV</i>

134
00:05:22,989 --> 00:05:24,949
<i>with another TV on top for sound.</i>

135
00:05:25,033 --> 00:05:27,368
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

136
00:05:27,452 --> 00:05:30,330
<i>[scattered applause]</i>

137
00:05:31,456 --> 00:05:32,832
<i>[chuckles]</i>

138
00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:36,419
<i>And I'm sitting there</i>
<i>and the fucking water sandwich wore off</i>

139
00:05:36,502 --> 00:05:37,879
<i>and the shit goes to a commercial.</i>

140
00:05:37,962 --> 00:05:40,214
<i>I'll never forget,</i>
<i>it was a Burger King commercial.</i>

141
00:05:40,298 --> 00:05:42,383
<i>Remember when they show them toasted buns</i>

142
00:05:42,467 --> 00:05:45,678
<i>and all that water falling off</i>
<i>that lettuce, tomatoes, and onion,</i>

143
00:05:46,429 --> 00:05:49,265
<i>and all that fucking heat</i>
<i>coming off that beef patty?</i>

144
00:05:49,766 --> 00:05:51,893
<i>And I'm sitting there,</i>
<i>my stomach growling,</i>

145
00:05:51,976 --> 00:05:54,145
<i>then my fucking mind playing tricks on me.</i>

146
00:05:54,228 --> 00:05:56,731
<i>My mind said, "Bitch, go get that burger."</i>

147
00:05:56,814 --> 00:05:57,857
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

148
00:05:57,940 --> 00:06:01,361
<i>I jumped up off that couch</i>
<i>and ran across that fucking shaggy carpet,</i>

149
00:06:01,444 --> 00:06:05,114
<i>and I grabbed that floor model TV,</i>
<i>and I licked the shit out of that TV.</i>

150
00:06:05,198 --> 00:06:06,657
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

151
00:06:06,741 --> 00:06:08,826
<i>And it shocked the fuck out of me.</i>

152
00:06:08,910 --> 00:06:10,370
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

153
00:06:10,453 --> 00:06:13,456
<i>I'm like, "I guess you can't</i>
<i>have it your way until you pay."</i>

154
00:06:13,539 --> 00:06:14,832
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

155
00:06:15,333 --> 00:06:18,503
<i>And I gotta tell you, this is the only</i>
<i>set of crack babies I've raised</i>

156
00:06:18,586 --> 00:06:21,214
<i>that I raised</i>
<i>in an all-white neighborhood too.</i>

157
00:06:21,297 --> 00:06:23,800
<i>One thing I realize</i>
<i>about raising this set of kids</i>

158
00:06:23,883 --> 00:06:25,593
<i>in an all white neighborhood,</i>

159
00:06:25,676 --> 00:06:32,475
<i>I realized that white schools</i>
<i>do not celebrate Black History Month</i>

160
00:06:32,558 --> 00:06:34,685
<i>the same way Black schools do.</i>

161
00:06:35,353 --> 00:06:38,481
<i>Mm-mm. White schools</i>
<i>celebrate Black History Month</i>

162
00:06:38,564 --> 00:06:41,359
<i>according to how many Black kids</i>
<i>is at the school.</i>

163
00:06:41,442 --> 00:06:42,610
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

164
00:06:42,693 --> 00:06:45,154
<i>So if it's four niggas, it's four days.</i>

165
00:06:45,238 --> 00:06:47,990
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

166
00:06:48,074 --> 00:06:49,951
<i>Let's just say,</i>
<i>at my kid's fucking school,</i>

167
00:06:50,034 --> 00:06:52,495
<i>Spirit Week lasts longer</i>
<i>than Black History Month.</i>

168
00:06:52,578 --> 00:06:53,454
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

169
00:06:53,538 --> 00:06:54,997
<i>And the few white people I see here,</i>

170
00:06:55,081 --> 00:06:57,959
<i>I don't know if you know how important</i>
<i>Black History Month is to us,</i>

171
00:06:58,042 --> 00:06:59,544
<i>but we used to go all out.</i>

172
00:06:59,627 --> 00:07:01,212
<i>-Didn't we, Black people?</i>
<i>-[audience] Yes.</i>

173
00:07:01,295 --> 00:07:03,339
<i>You had to dress up as a Black hero</i>

174
00:07:03,423 --> 00:07:06,592
<i>and be that fucking Black hero</i>
<i>for 30 fucking days.</i>

175
00:07:06,676 --> 00:07:08,344
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

176
00:07:08,428 --> 00:07:11,222
<i>I know you're thinking,</i>
<i>"Ms. Pat, it's only 28 days."</i>

177
00:07:11,305 --> 00:07:13,266
<i>Fuck you. We took them two days back.</i>

178
00:07:13,349 --> 00:07:15,935
<i>[audience laughing, applauding]</i>

179
00:07:16,018 --> 00:07:17,687
<i>So let me give you an example.</i>

180
00:07:17,770 --> 00:07:20,314
<i>If your child chose to be Harriet Tubman,</i>

181
00:07:20,398 --> 00:07:23,276
<i>your child had to be</i>
<i>Harriet fucking Tubman.</i>

182
00:07:23,359 --> 00:07:27,238
<i>Your child had to be smart,</i>
<i>be able to lead,</i>

183
00:07:27,321 --> 00:07:29,073
<i>be good at hide-and-seek…</i>

184
00:07:29,157 --> 00:07:31,242
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

185
00:07:31,325 --> 00:07:33,202
<i>…and be able to pistol-whip a nigga.</i>

186
00:07:33,286 --> 00:07:34,454
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

187
00:07:34,537 --> 00:07:36,289
<i>And have a strong-ass face.</i>

188
00:07:36,372 --> 00:07:38,040
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

189
00:07:41,210 --> 00:07:42,628
<i>Niggas, don't play with me.</i>

190
00:07:42,712 --> 00:07:44,088
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

191
00:07:44,172 --> 00:07:46,048
<i>You know Harriet wasn't fucking cute.</i>

192
00:07:46,132 --> 00:07:47,884
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

193
00:07:47,967 --> 00:07:50,845
<i>You know good and damn well</i>
<i>Harriet looked like her uncle.</i>

194
00:07:50,928 --> 00:07:53,556
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

195
00:07:54,724 --> 00:07:55,808
<i>Now, don't get me wrong.</i>

196
00:07:55,892 --> 00:07:58,311
<i>I'm not saying I don't appreciate Harriet,</i>
<i>'cause I do.</i>

197
00:07:58,394 --> 00:07:59,479
<i>Without Harriet,</i>

198
00:07:59,562 --> 00:08:02,231
<i>I'd be sucking some white dude's dick</i>
<i>against my will.</i>

199
00:08:02,315 --> 00:08:04,066
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

200
00:08:06,986 --> 00:08:09,906
<i>Y'all act like y'all would fuck Harriet.</i>
<i>Ain't a nigga here that would.</i>

201
00:08:09,989 --> 00:08:12,408
<i>Would you fuck Harriet?</i>
<i>You're a girl. I'm sorry.</i>

202
00:08:12,492 --> 00:08:14,494
<i>[audience laughing, applauding]</i>

203
00:08:17,788 --> 00:08:21,375
<i>You probably would fuck Harriet,</i>
<i>but… [laughs]</i>

204
00:08:23,794 --> 00:08:26,339
<i>I'm sorry. I didn't see you.</i>
<i>My glasses ain't on.</i>

205
00:08:26,422 --> 00:08:29,509
<i>You'd probably eat the shit out of her,</i>
<i>but I'm sorry.</i>

206
00:08:29,592 --> 00:08:31,344
<i>-[laughs]</i>
<i>-[audience laughing, applauding]</i>

207
00:08:33,596 --> 00:08:36,015
<i>Ah, anything to be free.</i>
<i>Ain't that right, bitch?</i>

208
00:08:36,098 --> 00:08:38,100
<i>-[laughs]</i>
<i>-[audience laughing]</i>

209
00:08:39,310 --> 00:08:41,479
<i>Eat your way</i>
<i>straight out of Master's house.</i>

210
00:08:41,562 --> 00:08:42,730
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

211
00:08:42,813 --> 00:08:44,565
<i>[laughs]</i>

212
00:08:45,858 --> 00:08:47,443
<i>[cheering]</i>

213
00:08:47,527 --> 00:08:48,569
<i>[chuckles]</i>

214
00:08:48,653 --> 00:08:50,780
<i>[audience cheering, applauding]</i>

215
00:08:51,364 --> 00:08:54,075
<i>My nephew's teacher called me.</i>
<i>She was like, "Ms. Pat…"</i>

216
00:08:54,158 --> 00:08:58,829
<i>"I wanted to let you know that Raymon</i>
<i>made an A on his Black Hero essay."</i>

217
00:08:59,372 --> 00:09:02,208
<i>I'm like, "I don't give a fuck.</i>
<i>What you telling me for?"</i>

218
00:09:02,833 --> 00:09:04,835
<i>She was like, "You should get him</i>
<i>to read it to you."</i>

219
00:09:04,919 --> 00:09:06,045
<i>I'm like, "Okay."</i>

220
00:09:06,128 --> 00:09:09,382
<i>My nephew comes home, gets off the bus.</i>
<i>No lie, he walked in the house.</i>

221
00:09:09,465 --> 00:09:11,926
<i>I was like, "Yo, Raymon."</i>

222
00:09:12,009 --> 00:09:15,054
<i>"Your teacher said you made an A</i>
<i>on your Black Hero essay."</i>

223
00:09:15,137 --> 00:09:18,391
<i>"Nigga, take it out so you can</i>
<i>read the shit to the whole family."</i>

224
00:09:18,474 --> 00:09:19,600
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

225
00:09:19,684 --> 00:09:22,103
<i>I'm a Black mama.</i>
<i>That's how I talk to my family.</i>

226
00:09:22,728 --> 00:09:29,193
<i>He takes the shit out, no lie, he started,</i>
<i>he said, "My Black Hero is my Auntie Pat."</i>

227
00:09:29,277 --> 00:09:30,444
<i>[audience] Oh.</i>

228
00:09:30,528 --> 00:09:33,990
<i>I know, right? I look over at my husband.</i>
<i>"Nigga, you didn't make it."</i>

229
00:09:34,073 --> 00:09:35,992
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

230
00:09:39,704 --> 00:09:42,498
<i>His next line was,</i>
<i>"She used to sell crack cocaine."</i>

231
00:09:42,582 --> 00:09:44,584
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

232
00:09:46,460 --> 00:09:49,005
<i>Like, "Hold on, bitch, it was just crack."</i>

233
00:09:49,088 --> 00:09:52,008
<i>"The cocaine was for your little sister</i>
<i>back at the house."</i>

234
00:09:52,091 --> 00:09:53,092
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

235
00:09:53,175 --> 00:09:57,722
<i>'Cause I grew up here in Atlanta, Georgia,</i>
<i>during the '80s, the Ronald Reagan era.</i>

236
00:09:57,805 --> 00:10:00,349
<i>Oh, my God. Y'all remember that shit?</i>

237
00:10:00,433 --> 00:10:03,019
<i>Reaganomics, nigga.</i>
<i>We were so motherfucking poor. No lie.</i>

238
00:10:03,102 --> 00:10:04,312
<i>I had a dog named Pup-pup.</i>

239
00:10:04,395 --> 00:10:05,563
<i>When Reagan got re-elected,</i>

240
00:10:05,646 --> 00:10:08,399
<i>the nigga jumped out the back porch</i>
<i>and committed suicide.</i>

241
00:10:08,482 --> 00:10:09,358
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

242
00:10:09,442 --> 00:10:10,693
<i>Don't look at me like that.</i>

243
00:10:10,776 --> 00:10:13,195
<i>I didn't kill the nigga,</i>
<i>he killed his damn self.</i>

244
00:10:13,279 --> 00:10:14,947
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

245
00:10:15,031 --> 00:10:16,907
<i>That's why I don't understand</i>
<i>all this new shit.</i>

246
00:10:16,991 --> 00:10:19,952
<i>People going around,</i>
<i>putting their pets down and shit.</i>

247
00:10:20,036 --> 00:10:21,746
<i>New shit. Putting your dogs down.</i>

248
00:10:21,829 --> 00:10:26,584
<i>My friend called me, like, "Girl,</i>
<i>I had to put my dog Coco Chanel down."</i>

249
00:10:26,667 --> 00:10:27,710
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

250
00:10:27,793 --> 00:10:30,421
<i>I'm like, "For what, bitch?"</i>
<i>"She had breast cancer."</i>

251
00:10:30,504 --> 00:10:34,884
<i>I'm like, "How you gonna kill a dog</i>
<i>who still got seven good titties to go?"</i>

252
00:10:34,967 --> 00:10:37,928
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

253
00:10:38,012 --> 00:10:41,307
<i>Ain't nobody trying to kill you</i>
<i>when one of your fucking titties go out.</i>

254
00:10:41,390 --> 00:10:42,767
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

255
00:10:42,850 --> 00:10:44,060
<i>I don't understand that shit.</i>

256
00:10:44,143 --> 00:10:46,979
<i>I'm like, "How do you know that dog</i>
<i>didn't want to walk for a cure?"</i>

257
00:10:47,063 --> 00:10:48,856
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

258
00:10:48,939 --> 00:10:52,109
<i>Bitch, that dog wants a t-shirt that says,</i>
<i>"I beat cancer," too.</i>

259
00:10:52,193 --> 00:10:53,277
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

260
00:10:53,361 --> 00:10:56,322
<i>That dog want to hear "Heart of an Angel"</i>
<i>his damn self.</i>

261
00:10:56,405 --> 00:10:57,573
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

262
00:10:58,199 --> 00:10:59,825
<i>Look at all you pet lovers.</i>

263
00:10:59,909 --> 00:11:02,036
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

264
00:11:02,119 --> 00:11:04,705
<i>"How dare you, Ms. Pat?"</i>
<i>Fuck you, you crazy.</i>

265
00:11:04,789 --> 00:11:05,998
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

266
00:11:06,082 --> 00:11:10,544
<i>And it's not cheap to put your pet down.</i>
<i>It costs you $799.</i>

267
00:11:10,628 --> 00:11:14,632
<i>I'll be damned if I'm gonna pay you</i>
<i>799 to put my fucking dog down.</i>

268
00:11:14,715 --> 00:11:17,385
<i>Nigga, not when I got a barbecue grill</i>
<i>in my backyard.</i>

269
00:11:17,468 --> 00:11:19,595
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

270
00:11:19,679 --> 00:11:21,514
<i>Fuck you. Heat is heat, bitch.</i>

271
00:11:21,597 --> 00:11:22,556
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

272
00:11:22,640 --> 00:11:24,183
<i>No matter who apply it.</i>

273
00:11:25,017 --> 00:11:26,227
<i>Oh, are you judging me</i>

274
00:11:26,310 --> 00:11:29,980
<i>'cause I'm not gonna put the ashes</i>
<i>in a cupcake box with a picture on top?</i>

275
00:11:30,481 --> 00:11:31,357
<i>Oh, fuck you.</i>

276
00:11:31,440 --> 00:11:32,441
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

277
00:11:32,525 --> 00:11:34,652
<i>I can't stand you fucking animal lovers.</i>

278
00:11:34,735 --> 00:11:36,612
<i>I fly every fucking week, y'all.</i>

279
00:11:36,696 --> 00:11:38,948
<i>And I'm so tired of getting on Delta,</i>

280
00:11:39,031 --> 00:11:42,743
<i>seeing everybody with these fake-ass</i>
<i>emotional support animals.</i>

281
00:11:43,452 --> 00:11:45,454
<i>[scattered applause]</i>

282
00:11:47,081 --> 00:11:50,459
<i>It can't be that many people out there</i>
<i>that need a fucking friend.</i>

283
00:11:50,543 --> 00:11:52,670
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

284
00:11:52,753 --> 00:11:56,424
<i>Did y'all see the lady who tried</i>
<i>to get on the plane with the short horse?</i>

285
00:11:56,507 --> 00:11:58,676
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

286
00:11:58,759 --> 00:12:02,430
<i>I'm like, "Who the fuck out here</i>
<i>writing prescriptions for short horses?"</i>

287
00:12:02,513 --> 00:12:04,515
<i>"And what's the co-pay on this nigga?"</i>

288
00:12:04,598 --> 00:12:06,350
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

289
00:12:07,476 --> 00:12:09,311
<i>That's just their way of flying shit free.</i>

290
00:12:09,395 --> 00:12:11,522
<i>I'mma do the same thing</i>
<i>with my four crack babies.</i>

291
00:12:11,605 --> 00:12:15,359
<i>I'mma show up at Delta with my four</i>
<i>crack babies with them same vests on.</i>

292
00:12:15,443 --> 00:12:17,528
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

293
00:12:19,780 --> 00:12:22,950
<i>And I'mma tell 'em,</i>
<i>"These are my emotional support niggas."</i>

294
00:12:23,033 --> 00:12:24,910
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

295
00:12:24,994 --> 00:12:26,996
<i>"Don't fuck with 'em 'cause they bite."</i>

296
00:12:27,079 --> 00:12:28,456
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

297
00:12:30,291 --> 00:12:33,169
<i>Can't stand you fucking animal lovers.</i>
<i>Y'all went too far.</i>

298
00:12:33,252 --> 00:12:36,338
<i>Let me just say that just because</i>
<i>you like a football team</i>

299
00:12:36,422 --> 00:12:39,508
<i>don't mean your fucking dog</i>
<i>likes the same goddamn team.</i>

300
00:12:39,592 --> 00:12:42,803
<i>I'm serious. I saw my neighbor</i>
<i>the other day walking her dog.</i>

301
00:12:42,887 --> 00:12:46,015
<i>The fucking dog had on a tutu,</i>
<i>looked like she's selling pussy.</i>

302
00:12:46,098 --> 00:12:47,057
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

303
00:12:47,892 --> 00:12:51,562
<i>And let me just say that dogs ain't</i>
<i>supposed to have on Levis jeans, okay?</i>

304
00:12:52,438 --> 00:12:54,315
<i>Dogs are supposed to lick their own dick.</i>

305
00:12:54,398 --> 00:12:56,984
<i>They can't lick their dicks</i>
<i>if you got it zipped up.</i>

306
00:12:57,067 --> 00:12:58,486
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

307
00:13:01,363 --> 00:13:03,991
<i>I love this bit 'cause</i>
<i>all the animal lovers just pull back.</i>

308
00:13:04,074 --> 00:13:05,785
<i>I'm talking about your stupid ass.</i>

309
00:13:05,868 --> 00:13:07,244
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

310
00:13:07,328 --> 00:13:09,413
<i>Running around with hair bows</i>
<i>in your dog's hair</i>

311
00:13:09,497 --> 00:13:11,373
<i>because your fucking womb don't work.</i>

312
00:13:11,457 --> 00:13:13,292
<i>[surprised reactions]</i>

313
00:13:15,503 --> 00:13:17,463
<i>Oh, did I strike a nerve?</i>

314
00:13:17,546 --> 00:13:19,590
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

315
00:13:21,050 --> 00:13:21,967
<i>I'm serious.</i>

316
00:13:22,051 --> 00:13:24,553
<i>I live in Plainfield, Indiana, y'all.</i>

317
00:13:24,637 --> 00:13:26,639
<i>And no lie, my white neighbor asked me.</i>

318
00:13:26,722 --> 00:13:29,058
<i>She's like, "Pat,</i>
<i>come to my baby's birthday party."</i>

319
00:13:29,141 --> 00:13:32,603
<i>I'm like, "Okay." I ain't never been</i>
<i>to a white baby's birthday party.</i>

320
00:13:33,354 --> 00:13:37,608
<i>I go up to the dollar store, and I buy</i>
<i>her white daughter a Black Barbie doll.</i>

321
00:13:39,193 --> 00:13:40,945
<i>Fuck you, I buy what looks like me.</i>

322
00:13:41,028 --> 00:13:42,363
<i>[audience applauding]</i>

323
00:13:43,113 --> 00:13:46,492
<i>And I figured they could use</i>
<i>some diversity in their lives.</i>

324
00:13:46,575 --> 00:13:48,285
<i>I get back to the house, y'all.</i>

325
00:13:48,369 --> 00:13:52,456
<i>No lie, I walk in, this bitch</i>
<i>got six dogs sitting at the table.</i>

326
00:13:52,957 --> 00:13:55,084
<i>I'm looking at the dogs,</i>
<i>the dogs looking at me, like,</i>

327
00:13:55,167 --> 00:13:57,044
<i>"Can you tell this bitch we're dogs?"</i>

328
00:13:57,127 --> 00:13:59,129
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

329
00:13:59,839 --> 00:14:02,341
<i>Then she went on to say,</i>
<i>"Blow the candles out, Buster."</i>

330
00:14:02,424 --> 00:14:03,634
<i>"Blow the candles out."</i>

331
00:14:03,717 --> 00:14:06,345
<i>I'm like, "Bitch, if that dog</i>
<i>blows them candles out…</i>

332
00:14:06,428 --> 00:14:07,513
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

333
00:14:07,596 --> 00:14:09,557
<i>…we all gonna bite your stupid ass."</i>

334
00:14:09,640 --> 00:14:10,683
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

335
00:14:10,766 --> 00:14:14,436
<i>I miss the good old days, you know,</i>
<i>when you could tie a dog up to a tree.</i>

336
00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:15,729
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

337
00:14:15,813 --> 00:14:18,649
<i>You can't do that shit no more, nigga.</i>
<i>You'll go to jail.</i>

338
00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:22,611
<i>You got a better chance</i>
<i>of tying your ugly-ass kid up to a tree.</i>

339
00:14:22,695 --> 00:14:24,655
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

340
00:14:24,738 --> 00:14:28,200
<i>I grew up here in the city of Atlanta,</i>
<i>and when I was a little girl,</i>

341
00:14:28,284 --> 00:14:29,785
<i>we used to move a lot.</i>

342
00:14:30,619 --> 00:14:32,288
<i>Well, we got evicted a lot.</i>

343
00:14:32,371 --> 00:14:33,956
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

344
00:14:34,039 --> 00:14:36,625
<i>My mama made sure</i>
<i>that when we got evicted,</i>

345
00:14:36,709 --> 00:14:40,671
<i>we got evicted in the same neighborhood</i>
<i>so we wouldn't have to switch schools.</i>

346
00:14:40,754 --> 00:14:42,047
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

347
00:14:42,131 --> 00:14:44,174
<i>The bad part about being evicted was</i>

348
00:14:44,258 --> 00:14:47,344
<i>my mama would always make us go knock</i>
<i>on our old door and ask dumb shit,</i>

349
00:14:47,428 --> 00:14:49,138
<i>like, "Did we get any mail today?"</i>

350
00:14:49,221 --> 00:14:51,974
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

351
00:14:52,057 --> 00:14:56,770
<i>"Knock, knock. Mama said we get any mail?</i>
<i>Knock, knock. Mama said we get any mail?"</i>

352
00:14:56,854 --> 00:15:00,149
<i>"She would like to know if she could</i>
<i>borrow a pack of chicken and two tampons."</i>

353
00:15:00,232 --> 00:15:02,693
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

354
00:15:02,776 --> 00:15:05,487
<i>And my mama was very particular</i>
<i>about the houses she rented, y'all.</i>

355
00:15:05,571 --> 00:15:08,407
<i>She used to love to rent a house</i>
<i>with a chimney.</i>

356
00:15:08,490 --> 00:15:11,201
<i>I thought the reason why</i>
<i>she wanted the house with the chimney</i>

357
00:15:11,285 --> 00:15:14,288
<i>is because she wanted Santa Claus</i>
<i>to come see her Black kids.</i>

358
00:15:15,080 --> 00:15:17,708
<i>But that's not what it was.</i>
<i>The reason she wanted a chimney</i>

359
00:15:17,791 --> 00:15:20,753
<i>is 'cause we were poor as fuck,</i>
<i>we couldn't afford light and gas,</i>

360
00:15:20,836 --> 00:15:22,922
<i>so she would keep the fucking lights off</i>

361
00:15:23,005 --> 00:15:25,549
<i>and we would have to cook</i>
<i>in the fucking fireplace.</i>

362
00:15:25,633 --> 00:15:28,385
<i>Nigga, you'd come to our house</i>
<i>in the summertime, it's 100 degrees.</i>

363
00:15:28,469 --> 00:15:31,013
<i>We got a Cracker Barrel fireplace going.</i>

364
00:15:31,096 --> 00:15:32,348
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

365
00:15:32,431 --> 00:15:33,891
<i>With a whole rack in there,</i>

366
00:15:33,974 --> 00:15:35,768
<i>frying chicken on pine wood,</i>

367
00:15:35,851 --> 00:15:37,811
<i>the walls sweating, we're sweating.</i>

368
00:15:37,895 --> 00:15:40,814
<i>We're in our underwear,</i>
<i>look like we just got off a fucking boat.</i>

369
00:15:40,898 --> 00:15:42,191
<i>-[audience laughing]</i>
<i>-[chuckles]</i>

370
00:15:42,274 --> 00:15:44,485
<i>My mama got the only fucking fan</i>
<i>in her face,</i>

371
00:15:44,568 --> 00:15:46,403
<i>watching </i>The Young and the Restless.

372
00:15:46,487 --> 00:15:47,571
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

373
00:15:47,655 --> 00:15:49,740
<i>Pine wood and grease back there</i>
<i>popping on us.</i>

374
00:15:49,823 --> 00:15:51,492
<i>We're back there, "Mama, it's hot!"</i>

375
00:15:51,575 --> 00:15:54,745
<i>She'd be like, "Take it like a man."</i>
<i>I'm like, "Bitch, I am a girl."</i>

376
00:15:54,828 --> 00:15:56,288
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

377
00:15:56,372 --> 00:15:59,124
<i>Couple days later, I get to school,</i>
<i>and my principal comes up to me.</i>

378
00:15:59,208 --> 00:16:01,669
<i>A big, old, tall man</i>
<i>with thick-ass glasses.</i>

379
00:16:01,752 --> 00:16:04,505
<i>Looked like if he couldn't read,</i>
<i>he could've made it to the NBA.</i>

380
00:16:04,588 --> 00:16:06,090
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

381
00:16:06,173 --> 00:16:07,007
<i>[Ms. Pat chuckles]</i>

382
00:16:07,091 --> 00:16:10,803
<i>He come up to me, and he was like,</i>
<i>"Young lady, I need to speak to you."</i>

383
00:16:10,886 --> 00:16:13,472
<i>So I walk in the office,</i>
<i>and, no lie, the police are there,</i>

384
00:16:13,555 --> 00:16:16,475
<i>the counselor's there,</i>
<i>my teacher's there, and he's there.</i>

385
00:16:16,558 --> 00:16:19,687
<i>All standing there looking at me.</i>
<i>I'm like, "What the fuck's going on?"</i>

386
00:16:19,770 --> 00:16:22,106
<i>'Cause I've been cussing</i>
<i>my whole damn life.</i>

387
00:16:22,189 --> 00:16:23,232
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

388
00:16:23,315 --> 00:16:24,441
<i>And he looked at me.</i>

389
00:16:24,525 --> 00:16:28,529
<i>He said, "We notice you got bruises</i>
<i>and blisters and burns all on you."</i>

390
00:16:28,612 --> 00:16:31,824
<i>"We want to know what's going on</i>
<i>at the house. Are you a cutter?"</i>

391
00:16:31,907 --> 00:16:33,200
<i>I'm like, "Nigga, no."</i>

392
00:16:33,993 --> 00:16:36,245
<i>"I was frying chicken in the chimney."</i>

393
00:16:36,328 --> 00:16:37,871
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

394
00:16:37,955 --> 00:16:38,914
<i>[chuckles]</i>

395
00:16:39,623 --> 00:16:42,626
<i>He looked at me and said,</i>
<i>"Get your Black ass back to class."</i>

396
00:16:42,710 --> 00:16:43,627
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

397
00:16:43,711 --> 00:16:45,504
<i>"I thought you was being abused."</i>

398
00:16:45,587 --> 00:16:46,547
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

399
00:16:46,630 --> 00:16:48,590
<i>I'm like, "Bitch, I am being abused."</i>

400
00:16:49,174 --> 00:16:52,845
<i>I shouldn't be frying no fucking chicken</i>
<i>in no chimney in no fourth grade.</i>

401
00:16:52,928 --> 00:16:54,430
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

402
00:16:56,724 --> 00:16:58,892
<i>Couple days later,</i>
<i>I'm sitting in the cafeteria,</i>

403
00:16:58,976 --> 00:17:00,477
<i>my friend's complaining about her mama.</i>

404
00:17:00,561 --> 00:17:03,564
<i>She's like, "My mama ain't shit."</i>
<i>I'm like, "My mama ain't shit either."</i>

405
00:17:03,647 --> 00:17:04,732
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

406
00:17:04,815 --> 00:17:07,693
<i>My friend said, "I hear</i>
<i>there's a better place we can go to."</i>

407
00:17:07,776 --> 00:17:09,194
<i>I'm like, "A better place?"</i>

408
00:17:09,278 --> 00:17:10,988
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

409
00:17:11,071 --> 00:17:13,073
<i>"Where the fuck this 'better place' at?"</i>

410
00:17:13,615 --> 00:17:16,702
<i>She was like, "It's called juvenile.</i>
<i>We just gotta get there."</i>

411
00:17:16,785 --> 00:17:18,662
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

412
00:17:24,293 --> 00:17:26,211
<i>I'm like, "Well, how do we get there?"</i>

413
00:17:26,712 --> 00:17:29,465
<i>She said, "What you gotta do</i>
<i>is you gotta run away,</i>

414
00:17:29,548 --> 00:17:31,842
<i>go to a convenience store</i>
<i>and steal something,</i>

415
00:17:31,925 --> 00:17:35,137
<i>and then they're gonna send</i>
<i>this white car with red lights on top</i>

416
00:17:35,220 --> 00:17:36,388
<i>to give you a ride."</i>

417
00:17:37,139 --> 00:17:40,142
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

418
00:17:40,225 --> 00:17:41,477
<i>The police.</i>

419
00:17:41,560 --> 00:17:42,811
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

420
00:17:42,895 --> 00:17:46,148
<i>Y'all, I get locked up for running away</i>
<i>and stealing at the convenience store.</i>

421
00:17:46,231 --> 00:17:49,526
<i>And no lie, I spent five days in juvenile.</i>

422
00:17:49,610 --> 00:17:51,820
<i>But during that time, I learned a lot.</i>

423
00:17:51,904 --> 00:17:55,657
<i>My first day there, y'all, they ring</i>
<i>this bell, like, "Ding-a-ling-a-ling."</i>

424
00:17:55,741 --> 00:17:56,992
<i>"It's chow time."</i>

425
00:17:57,076 --> 00:17:59,953
<i>And no lie, y'all, my c…</i>
<i>the lady walked me in this room,</i>

426
00:18:00,037 --> 00:18:03,165
<i>and all these plates</i>
<i>were already prepared with food and shit,</i>

427
00:18:03,248 --> 00:18:05,584
<i>and I'm walking with her</i>
<i>and I started looking at the plates.</i>

428
00:18:05,667 --> 00:18:07,920
<i>And I noticed stuff</i>
<i>I had never seen before.</i>

429
00:18:08,003 --> 00:18:11,173
<i>And I'm like, "Ma'am,</i>
<i>what type of meat is that?"</i>

430
00:18:11,256 --> 00:18:14,301
<i>She was like, "Chicken."</i>
<i>I'm like, "What type of chicken is that?"</i>

431
00:18:14,384 --> 00:18:16,095
<i>She was like, "Legs and thighs."</i>

432
00:18:16,178 --> 00:18:18,430
<i>And I had never had a leg and thigh,</i>
<i>so I asked.</i>

433
00:18:18,514 --> 00:18:20,724
<i>I'm like, "Y'all ain't got</i>
<i>no ass and backs?"</i>

434
00:18:20,808 --> 00:18:24,436
<i>[laughter and scattered applause]</i>

435
00:18:28,857 --> 00:18:31,819
<i>'Cause, baby, that's all my mama</i>
<i>ever cooked, ass and backs.</i>

436
00:18:31,902 --> 00:18:33,153
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

437
00:18:33,237 --> 00:18:37,324
<i>My mama didn't take us to McDonalds.</i>
<i>She made us a six-pack McAss.</i>

438
00:18:37,407 --> 00:18:39,284
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

439
00:18:39,368 --> 00:18:40,285
<i>[chuckles]</i>

440
00:18:40,369 --> 00:18:43,163
<i>Think about it,</i>
<i>some of y'all eat your ass unfried.</i>

441
00:18:43,247 --> 00:18:45,165
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

442
00:18:50,629 --> 00:18:53,632
<i>He grew up poor as fuck.</i>
<i>You see how he's laughing?</i>

443
00:18:53,715 --> 00:18:56,051
<i>Nigga having flashbacks like,</i>
<i>"Damn, Ms. Pat."</i>

444
00:18:56,135 --> 00:18:57,261
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

445
00:18:57,344 --> 00:19:00,681
<i>He's going to check his bank statement</i>
<i>to make sure he's all right.</i>

446
00:19:00,764 --> 00:19:03,058
<i>[laughs]</i>

447
00:19:03,142 --> 00:19:05,269
<i>Thank you, brother, for feeling this shit.</i>

448
00:19:05,352 --> 00:19:06,770
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

449
00:19:06,854 --> 00:19:10,649
<i>The next thing I noticed on the plate,</i>
<i>it was this rolls-looking thing.</i>

450
00:19:10,732 --> 00:19:13,819
<i>And I pick it up, and I'm like,</i>
<i>"Ma'am, what is this?"</i>

451
00:19:13,902 --> 00:19:15,404
<i>She was like, "It's wheat bread."</i>

452
00:19:15,487 --> 00:19:18,198
<i>And y'all, I had never</i>
<i>fucking had wheat bread.</i>

453
00:19:18,282 --> 00:19:19,741
<i>I had never seen wheat bread.</i>

454
00:19:19,825 --> 00:19:22,744
<i>So I pick it up.</i>
<i>I'm like, "Y'all got nigga bread?"</i>

455
00:19:22,828 --> 00:19:24,830
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

456
00:19:27,374 --> 00:19:30,836
<i>Don't be scared to laugh, white woman.</i>
<i>Everybody eats nigga bread now.</i>

457
00:19:31,420 --> 00:19:32,796
<i>The shit is good for you.</i>

458
00:19:33,422 --> 00:19:36,508
<i>You can open your pantry tonight</i>
<i>and say, "I got nigga bread."</i>

459
00:19:36,592 --> 00:19:37,926
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

460
00:19:38,010 --> 00:19:39,845
<i>And so do I, goddamn it.</i>

461
00:19:39,928 --> 00:19:41,013
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

462
00:19:41,096 --> 00:19:44,516
<i>I didn't really know how fucked up my life</i>
<i>was as a kid, y'all. No lie.</i>

463
00:19:44,600 --> 00:19:47,102
<i>Y'all gotta cut this out,</i>
<i>I gotta get these things out my ass.</i>

464
00:19:47,186 --> 00:19:50,814
<i>-[laughs]</i>
<i>-[audience laughing, applauding]</i>

465
00:19:50,898 --> 00:19:54,401
<i>Nigga, I feel like I got a dildo</i>
<i>between my legs.</i>

466
00:19:54,484 --> 00:19:56,987
<i>-[laughs]</i>
<i>-[audience laughing, applauding]</i>

467
00:19:57,070 --> 00:19:58,155
<i>I'm trying.</i>

468
00:19:58,238 --> 00:19:59,448
<i>And the Blacks are like,</i>

469
00:19:59,531 --> 00:20:02,367
<i>"Look at your pants, Ms. Pat.</i>
<i>You got a fat pussy." No, I don't.</i>

470
00:20:02,451 --> 00:20:04,578
<i>-[laughs]</i>
<i>-[audience laughing]</i>

471
00:20:04,661 --> 00:20:06,413
<i>[audience applauding]</i>

472
00:20:08,415 --> 00:20:10,417
<i>Don't worry, they'll cut that shit out.</i>

473
00:20:10,500 --> 00:20:11,919
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

474
00:20:12,002 --> 00:20:13,587
<i>It's TV, goddamn it.</i>

475
00:20:13,670 --> 00:20:16,173
<i>[laughs]</i>

476
00:20:16,256 --> 00:20:18,508
<i>Like, "What the fuck</i>
<i>is crawling up my leg?"</i>

477
00:20:18,592 --> 00:20:20,594
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

478
00:20:21,261 --> 00:20:24,723
<i>[scattered applause]</i>

479
00:20:24,806 --> 00:20:26,892
<i>[chuckles]</i>

480
00:20:28,727 --> 00:20:30,979
<i>I didn't really know</i>
<i>how fucked up my life was</i>

481
00:20:31,063 --> 00:20:33,690
<i>until I'm on the phone one day</i>
<i>talking to my girlfriend.</i>

482
00:20:33,774 --> 00:20:35,400
<i>We're talking about getting baptized.</i>

483
00:20:35,484 --> 00:20:38,487
<i>I'm like, "Yeah, girl,</i>
<i>I've been baptized 25 times."</i>

484
00:20:38,570 --> 00:20:40,155
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

485
00:20:40,239 --> 00:20:43,408
<i>She was like, "25 times?</i>
<i>Who the fuck baptized you 25 times?"</i>

486
00:20:43,492 --> 00:20:45,744
<i>I'm like, "How many times</i>
<i>you been baptized?"</i>

487
00:20:45,827 --> 00:20:47,996
<i>She was like,</i>
<i>"Once, in the name of Jesus."</i>

488
00:20:48,622 --> 00:20:52,167
<i>I'm like, "Well, damn. My mama must have</i>
<i>baptized me in her boyfriends' names."</i>

489
00:20:52,251 --> 00:20:54,253
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

490
00:20:55,671 --> 00:20:59,716
<i>Come to find out, y'all, back in the day</i>
<i>when I grew up in Atlanta,</i>

491
00:20:59,800 --> 00:21:01,468
<i>if you were having financial problems,</i>

492
00:21:01,551 --> 00:21:04,054
<i>all you had to do</i>
<i>was go to your local churches</i>

493
00:21:04,137 --> 00:21:06,431
<i>and join the church</i>
<i>and get the kids baptized,</i>

494
00:21:06,515 --> 00:21:09,518
<i>and they would write you a check</i>
<i>for your financial problems.</i>

495
00:21:09,601 --> 00:21:13,105
<i>Yeah, but my mama turned that shit</i>
<i>into a scheme.</i>

496
00:21:13,188 --> 00:21:14,564
<i>-[audience laughing]</i>
<i>-[chuckles]</i>

497
00:21:14,648 --> 00:21:18,068
<i>Nigga, she started getting us baptized</i>
<i>two, three times on a Sunday.</i>

498
00:21:18,151 --> 00:21:18,986
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

499
00:21:19,069 --> 00:21:21,989
<i>I remember showing up one time</i>
<i>already fucking wet.</i>

500
00:21:22,072 --> 00:21:24,074
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

501
00:21:29,079 --> 00:21:30,622
<i>The pastor was like, "Why are they wet?"</i>

502
00:21:30,706 --> 00:21:33,750
<i>She was like, "Mind your fucking business,</i>
<i>we got an appointment to get to."</i>

503
00:21:33,834 --> 00:21:35,210
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

504
00:21:35,961 --> 00:21:39,047
<i>But finally, the Black churches realized</i>
<i>my mama was running a scheme,</i>

505
00:21:39,131 --> 00:21:40,966
<i>so she had to go to white churches.</i>

506
00:21:41,049 --> 00:21:42,718
<i>And let me tell you all this.</i>

507
00:21:42,801 --> 00:21:47,014
<i>When my mama discovered white churches</i>
<i>and white people and white guilt,</i>

508
00:21:47,097 --> 00:21:49,891
<i>she used the fuck out of your ancestors.</i>

509
00:21:49,975 --> 00:21:51,643
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

510
00:21:51,727 --> 00:21:54,271
<i>My mama would pull up out there</i>
<i>with her '64 Chevy,</i>

511
00:21:54,354 --> 00:21:56,690
<i>with all of our five Black asses</i>
<i>on the backseat.</i>

512
00:21:56,773 --> 00:21:58,275
<i>She'd turn around, like, "Look here."</i>

513
00:21:58,358 --> 00:22:01,028
<i>"We're going in this church</i>
<i>and get these crackers' money."</i>

514
00:22:01,111 --> 00:22:02,571
<i>"Put your slave face on."</i>

515
00:22:02,654 --> 00:22:05,073
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

516
00:22:09,911 --> 00:22:10,996
<i>[laughs]</i>

517
00:22:11,079 --> 00:22:12,956
<i>We'd go in that bitch and rack up.</i>

518
00:22:13,040 --> 00:22:15,167
<i>And my mama knew</i>
<i>as soon as they write her that check,</i>

519
00:22:15,250 --> 00:22:17,586
<i>she was going straight</i>
<i>to the fucking weed man.</i>

520
00:22:18,337 --> 00:22:21,590
<i>But I liked getting baptized</i>
<i>at the white churches, y'all.</i>

521
00:22:21,673 --> 00:22:23,258
<i>'Cause they treat you better.</i>

522
00:22:23,342 --> 00:22:27,512
<i>After you get baptized, they would always</i>
<i>take everybody downstairs to the pantry.</i>

523
00:22:27,596 --> 00:22:31,058
<i>But at the white churches, they would give</i>
<i>all five kids their own box</i>

524
00:22:31,141 --> 00:22:32,309
<i>and let 'em shop.</i>

525
00:22:32,392 --> 00:22:34,644
<i>Nigga, my mama used to be like,</i>
<i>"Fuck 'em up."</i>

526
00:22:34,728 --> 00:22:38,065
<i>-[audience laughing]</i>
<i>-[laughs]</i>

527
00:22:40,650 --> 00:22:42,944
<i>The whole time we got our slave face on.</i>

528
00:22:43,028 --> 00:22:45,072
<i>-[laughs]</i>
<i>-[audience laughing]</i>

529
00:22:46,114 --> 00:22:49,326
<i>You didn't get that fucking treatment</i>
<i>at no Black church, nigga.</i>

530
00:22:49,409 --> 00:22:51,995
<i>You got one box per family.</i>

531
00:22:52,079 --> 00:22:56,124
<i>And it was always that ugly bitch</i>
<i>with that synthetic wig on her head</i>

532
00:22:56,208 --> 00:22:58,960
<i>standing at the pantry door,</i>
<i>looking at you up and down.</i>

533
00:22:59,044 --> 00:23:03,006
<i>Like, "You ain't gonna say thank you,</i>
<i>nigga? I'll take that fucking sugar back."</i>

534
00:23:03,090 --> 00:23:04,508
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

535
00:23:06,468 --> 00:23:09,179
<i>And my mama was</i>
<i>part-time handicapped too, y'all.</i>

536
00:23:10,097 --> 00:23:12,099
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

537
00:23:13,600 --> 00:23:15,477
<i>Yeah, she was part-time handicapped.</i>

538
00:23:15,977 --> 00:23:17,270
<i>Her neck was fucked up.</i>

539
00:23:17,854 --> 00:23:19,815
<i>No lie, her neck would just</i>
<i>fall over like this.</i>

540
00:23:19,898 --> 00:23:22,109
<i>She'd be like,</i>
<i>"Bitch, pick my neck back up."</i>

541
00:23:22,192 --> 00:23:25,529
<i>So we would have to be there</i>
<i>to pick her neck back up at all times.</i>

542
00:23:25,612 --> 00:23:27,823
<i>I don't know what was wrong</i>
<i>with my mama's neck,</i>

543
00:23:27,906 --> 00:23:29,908
<i>but when I met her,</i>
<i>her neck was doing that.</i>

544
00:23:29,991 --> 00:23:31,410
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

545
00:23:31,493 --> 00:23:32,411
<i>[chuckles]</i>

546
00:23:33,412 --> 00:23:35,497
<i>And I hated my mama's neck, y'all.</i>

547
00:23:35,580 --> 00:23:37,916
<i>'Cause as kids,</i>
<i>we couldn't go outside and play</i>

548
00:23:37,999 --> 00:23:40,877
<i>'cause we was always</i>
<i>on fucking neck-catching duty.</i>

549
00:23:40,961 --> 00:23:43,255
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

550
00:23:44,089 --> 00:23:46,091
<i>I remember riding in the car</i>
<i>with my mama one day.</i>

551
00:23:46,174 --> 00:23:48,885
<i>We were on the way</i>
<i>to cash a social security check.</i>

552
00:23:48,969 --> 00:23:52,347
<i>My mama would keep my sister</i>
<i>in the back seat and me in the front seat</i>

553
00:23:52,431 --> 00:23:54,933
<i>so she would have 360</i>
<i>neck-catching position.</i>

554
00:23:55,016 --> 00:23:56,852
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

555
00:24:00,730 --> 00:24:03,525
<i>So we're riding in the car on the way</i>
<i>to cash her social security check,</i>

556
00:24:03,608 --> 00:24:05,444
<i>and she come up to a railroad track.</i>

557
00:24:05,527 --> 00:24:09,531
<i>And she's like, "Fuck, this fucking train</i>
<i>gonna make me miss the goddamn bank."</i>

558
00:24:09,614 --> 00:24:11,450
<i>And she's like, "I'mma beat this train."</i>

559
00:24:11,533 --> 00:24:13,743
<i>I looked at my sister, like,</i>
<i>"No, she ain't."</i>

560
00:24:13,827 --> 00:24:14,786
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

561
00:24:14,870 --> 00:24:17,205
<i>No lie, y'all,</i>
<i>my mama took that '64 Chevy,</i>

562
00:24:17,289 --> 00:24:19,958
<i>and she hit that fucking gas</i>
<i>and hit that first track.</i>

563
00:24:20,041 --> 00:24:21,751
<i>Nigga, her neck fell back…</i>

564
00:24:21,835 --> 00:24:24,087
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

565
00:24:24,171 --> 00:24:27,090
<i>She was like, "Bitch, pick my neck up,</i>
<i>the train's coming!"</i>

566
00:24:27,174 --> 00:24:29,551
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

567
00:24:34,055 --> 00:24:36,266
<i>My sister slapped the shit</i>
<i>out of that neck.</i>

568
00:24:36,349 --> 00:24:38,768
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

569
00:24:38,852 --> 00:24:41,813
<i>But she hit it too hard</i>
<i>and it went into the steering wheel.</i>

570
00:24:41,897 --> 00:24:43,064
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

571
00:24:43,148 --> 00:24:46,485
<i>I lifted my mama's head back up.</i>
<i>I didn't position it right, it fell back.</i>

572
00:24:46,568 --> 00:24:48,153
<i>My sister hit that bitch again.</i>

573
00:24:48,236 --> 00:24:49,446
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

574
00:24:49,529 --> 00:24:51,781
<i>Hold on, bitch, this is not baseball.</i>

575
00:24:51,865 --> 00:24:54,034
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

576
00:24:54,117 --> 00:24:57,329
<i>So, finally, I held my mama's head up</i>
<i>and we went across the tracks.</i>

577
00:24:57,412 --> 00:25:00,290
<i>My mama pulled over. She's like,</i>
<i>"Why you bitches hit me so hard?"</i>

578
00:25:00,373 --> 00:25:01,708
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

579
00:25:01,791 --> 00:25:03,335
<i>Bitch, the train was coming.</i>

580
00:25:03,418 --> 00:25:04,586
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

581
00:25:04,669 --> 00:25:06,922
<i>Let your weak-necked ass get us killed.</i>

582
00:25:07,005 --> 00:25:09,007
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

583
00:25:15,055 --> 00:25:16,890
<i>You wanna hear something crazy?</i>

584
00:25:16,973 --> 00:25:19,226
<i>My fucking sister's neck do the same shit.</i>

585
00:25:19,309 --> 00:25:21,394
<i>[audience laughing, applauding]</i>

586
00:25:21,978 --> 00:25:25,232
<i>I'm not making this shit up.</i>
<i>It's called "wry neck." I'm ser--</i>

587
00:25:25,774 --> 00:25:27,859
<i>W-R-Y, you can google it on the internet.</i>

588
00:25:27,943 --> 00:25:30,695
<i>The only other thing to have this shit</i>
<i>is chickens.</i>

589
00:25:30,779 --> 00:25:33,073
<i>-[audience laughing]</i>
<i>-[laughs]</i>

590
00:25:34,074 --> 00:25:37,827
<i>I don't know if we got it from frying</i>
<i>that fucking chicken in the fireplace.</i>

591
00:25:37,911 --> 00:25:39,204
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

592
00:25:39,287 --> 00:25:43,124
<i>But my sister's neck do the same shit,</i>
<i>but her neck just lay on her shoulder.</i>

593
00:25:43,208 --> 00:25:45,835
<i>When she lifts that bitch up,</i>
<i>it takes off like a water sprinkler.</i>

594
00:25:45,919 --> 00:25:47,837
<i>"Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick."</i>

595
00:25:48,838 --> 00:25:51,383
<i>I'm riding in the car with her one day,</i>
<i>me and my daughter,</i>

596
00:25:51,466 --> 00:25:53,802
<i>and my sister's running her mouth</i>
<i>and lifted that head up,</i>

597
00:25:53,885 --> 00:25:56,429
<i>and it took off across her shoulder</i>
<i>while she's driving.</i>

598
00:25:56,513 --> 00:25:58,181
<i>My daughter's screaming, "Aah!"</i>

599
00:25:58,265 --> 00:25:59,391
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

600
00:25:59,474 --> 00:26:02,227
<i>"Calm down, bitch,</i>
<i>she's using her peripheral vision."</i>

601
00:26:02,310 --> 00:26:03,812
<i>"It's gonna come back around."</i>

602
00:26:03,895 --> 00:26:06,147
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

603
00:26:06,231 --> 00:26:07,482
<i>[chuckles]</i>

604
00:26:09,317 --> 00:26:11,570
<i>I can't make this shit up. [chuckles]</i>

605
00:26:11,653 --> 00:26:14,698
<i>I remember when I was little, I heard</i>
<i>my mama talking to my aunt on the phone.</i>

606
00:26:14,781 --> 00:26:17,742
<i>She had that long-ass phone cord,</i>
<i>and she'll go into the room,</i>

607
00:26:17,826 --> 00:26:22,664
<i>and she closed the door, and she's like,</i>
<i>"Girl, I suck good dick."</i>

608
00:26:22,747 --> 00:26:25,166
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

609
00:26:25,250 --> 00:26:27,752
<i>I'm standing outside the door,</i>
<i>like, "She's lying."</i>

610
00:26:27,836 --> 00:26:29,796
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

611
00:26:31,214 --> 00:26:34,050
<i>"Mama, stop lying. You go down,</i>
<i>who's gonna help you up?"</i>

612
00:26:34,134 --> 00:26:36,136
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

613
00:26:40,348 --> 00:26:42,976
<i>Dick gonna be stuck in your mouth</i>
<i>like a thermometer.</i>

614
00:26:43,059 --> 00:26:44,394
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

615
00:26:46,563 --> 00:26:48,440
<i>[chuckles]</i>

616
00:26:50,650 --> 00:26:51,776
<i>[laughs]</i>

617
00:26:52,527 --> 00:26:55,697
<i>I grew up in a bootleg house</i>
<i>the earlier part of my life, y'all.</i>

618
00:26:55,780 --> 00:26:56,740
<i>With my granddaddy.</i>

619
00:26:56,823 --> 00:26:59,326
<i>He sold moonshine and single cigarettes.</i>

620
00:26:59,826 --> 00:27:01,661
<i>That's individual, for white people.</i>

621
00:27:01,745 --> 00:27:02,746
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

622
00:27:02,829 --> 00:27:06,333
<i>And in this house,</i>
<i>we saw everything as kids.</i>

623
00:27:06,416 --> 00:27:10,629
<i>I mean, from gambling, to prostitution,</i>
<i>to niggas getting shot.</i>

624
00:27:10,712 --> 00:27:13,632
<i>Nothing was off-limits to us as kids.</i>

625
00:27:13,715 --> 00:27:16,051
<i>Two things I remember the most.</i>

626
00:27:16,134 --> 00:27:19,262
<i>One, my mama used to love to shoot craps.</i>

627
00:27:19,346 --> 00:27:22,557
<i>But before she could start craps,</i>
<i>she would take her fake leg off</i>

628
00:27:22,641 --> 00:27:25,977
<i>'cause she said a short leg</i>
<i>hanging like a soft dick was good luck.</i>

629
00:27:26,061 --> 00:27:27,437
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

630
00:27:27,520 --> 00:27:29,939
<i>Plus, if she threw the dice too far,</i>
<i>she'd use her foot</i>

631
00:27:30,023 --> 00:27:31,483
<i>to pull them bitches back in.</i>

632
00:27:31,566 --> 00:27:34,194
<i>[audience laughing, applauding]</i>

633
00:27:35,570 --> 00:27:38,948
<i>The other thing I remember,</i>
<i>I had an uncle named Uncle Cecil.</i>

634
00:27:39,032 --> 00:27:41,618
<i>And my Uncle Cecil</i>
<i>used to sit by the bootleg house door</i>

635
00:27:41,701 --> 00:27:43,662
<i>and say the same thing to everybody.</i>

636
00:27:43,745 --> 00:27:47,749
<i>"Hey, girl. Give me two nickels.</i>
<i>Two nickels make a dime."</i>

637
00:27:47,832 --> 00:27:49,084
<i>But he didn't like dimes.</i>

638
00:27:49,167 --> 00:27:51,836
<i>If you gave him dimes,</i>
<i>he'd choke the fuck out of you.</i>

639
00:27:51,920 --> 00:27:52,796
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

640
00:27:52,879 --> 00:27:55,131
<i>Let me explain something</i>
<i>about my Uncle Cecil.</i>

641
00:27:55,215 --> 00:27:57,467
<i>My Uncle Cecil suffered from seizures,</i>

642
00:27:57,550 --> 00:28:00,261
<i>he was crippled, and he was also retarded.</i>

643
00:28:00,804 --> 00:28:04,474
<i>Now, calm the fuck down and let me</i>
<i>tell you why I use the word "retarded."</i>

644
00:28:05,100 --> 00:28:08,728
<i>He was born in 1932.</i>
<i>There was no special needs back then.</i>

645
00:28:08,812 --> 00:28:10,522
<i>He was fucking retarded, okay?</i>

646
00:28:10,605 --> 00:28:12,982
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

647
00:28:13,066 --> 00:28:16,528
<i>So, Atlanta, I'm gonna need you</i>
<i>to open your mind with me on this one.</i>

648
00:28:16,611 --> 00:28:17,946
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

649
00:28:18,029 --> 00:28:20,782
<i>My uncle would have</i>
<i>two or three seizures a week, y'all.</i>

650
00:28:20,865 --> 00:28:23,910
<i>My granddaddy got tired of that shit,</i>
<i>so he came up with this good idea.</i>

651
00:28:23,993 --> 00:28:27,038
<i>He thought if he bought my uncle pussy</i>
<i>every Saturday,</i>

652
00:28:27,122 --> 00:28:31,710
<i>it would calm down the amount of seizures</i>
<i>that he would have during the week.</i>

653
00:28:32,544 --> 00:28:35,046
<i>Come on, y'all, don't cock block</i>
<i>on my Uncle Cecil.</i>

654
00:28:35,130 --> 00:28:37,173
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

655
00:28:37,257 --> 00:28:38,758
<i>He needs love too.</i>

656
00:28:38,842 --> 00:28:40,427
<i>-[audience laughing]</i>
<i>-[woman] Yes!</i>

657
00:28:40,510 --> 00:28:43,638
<i>So every Saturday, no lie,</i>
<i>it was me and my sister's chores.</i>

658
00:28:43,722 --> 00:28:45,724
<i>We had to go in there</i>
<i>and help him get started.</i>

659
00:28:45,807 --> 00:28:46,683
<i>[audience groans]</i>

660
00:28:46,766 --> 00:28:49,644
<i>Shut the fuck up.</i>
<i>This is my story, and I'm gonna tell it.</i>

661
00:28:49,728 --> 00:28:51,688
<i>[audience laughing, applauding]</i>

662
00:28:53,398 --> 00:28:54,607
<i>We would walk in the room,</i>

663
00:28:54,691 --> 00:28:56,651
<i>and the prostitute</i>
<i>would already be in the bed</i>

664
00:28:56,735 --> 00:28:59,195
<i>with a whole Jackson Five afro</i>
<i>on her vagina.</i>

665
00:28:59,279 --> 00:29:01,281
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

666
00:29:02,615 --> 00:29:04,826
<i>Open your mind</i>
<i>and you can see it. [chuckles]</i>

667
00:29:04,909 --> 00:29:06,494
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

668
00:29:06,578 --> 00:29:09,748
<i>"How you doing today, Miss Betty?</i>
<i>We're about to get him ready for you."</i>

669
00:29:09,831 --> 00:29:11,624
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

670
00:29:18,131 --> 00:29:21,384
<i>My uncle would be over there in the corner</i>
<i>smiling like a motherfucker.</i>

671
00:29:21,468 --> 00:29:22,427
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

672
00:29:22,510 --> 00:29:25,638
<i>We'd walk up to him,</i>
<i>he always had on two belts,</i>

673
00:29:25,722 --> 00:29:29,476
<i>'cause at any time this nigga would have</i>
<i>$50 worth of nickels in his pocket.</i>

674
00:29:29,559 --> 00:29:31,561
<i>-[audience laughing]</i>
<i>-[chuckles]</i>

675
00:29:34,939 --> 00:29:36,733
<i>We would take them pants off, y'all,</i>

676
00:29:36,816 --> 00:29:40,403
<i>and no lie, they would hit the floor,</i>
<i>sound like you working on a chain gang.</i>

677
00:29:40,487 --> 00:29:42,197
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

678
00:29:42,280 --> 00:29:43,823
<i>And no lie…</i>

679
00:29:43,907 --> 00:29:45,867
<i>No lie, my uncle's dick would pop out.</i>

680
00:29:45,950 --> 00:29:49,329
<i>He had the biggest uncircumcised dick</i>
<i>I ever seen in my life.</i>

681
00:29:49,412 --> 00:29:51,414
<i>-[audience laughing]</i>
<i>-[chuckles]</i>

682
00:29:54,584 --> 00:29:56,503
<i>That he could not control.</i>

683
00:29:56,586 --> 00:29:57,670
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

684
00:29:57,754 --> 00:30:01,674
<i>And a lot of times, that extra skin would</i>
<i>hit me and my sister upside the head.</i>

685
00:30:01,758 --> 00:30:03,760
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

686
00:30:05,053 --> 00:30:07,931
<i>We'd be like, "Hold on, Uncle Cecil.</i>
<i>Your tip dry, nigga."</i>

687
00:30:08,014 --> 00:30:09,974
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

688
00:30:14,479 --> 00:30:17,482
<i>So we would walk him over to the bed</i>
<i>because he was crippled, right?</i>

689
00:30:17,565 --> 00:30:21,277
<i>And by him being crippled, to me,</i>
<i>he looked like he walked like a kangaroo.</i>

690
00:30:21,361 --> 00:30:23,363
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

691
00:30:25,615 --> 00:30:28,368
<i>This story</i>
<i>is not gonna send you to hell, baby.</i>

692
00:30:28,451 --> 00:30:30,453
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

693
00:30:31,329 --> 00:30:34,207
<i>And we'd throw him in the bed</i>
<i>on top of the prostitute,</i>

694
00:30:34,290 --> 00:30:37,252
<i>because he can't get on his knees</i>
<i>like regular people can.</i>

695
00:30:37,335 --> 00:30:40,088
<i>'Cause if he do, he gonna look</i>
<i>like </i>Free Willy<i> from the back.</i>

696
00:30:40,171 --> 00:30:42,173
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

697
00:30:48,263 --> 00:30:50,390
<i>Me and my sister</i>
<i>would get on each end of the bed</i>

698
00:30:50,473 --> 00:30:51,975
<i>while he laid on top of the prostitute.</i>

699
00:30:52,058 --> 00:30:55,228
<i>We would grab him by his ankles</i>
<i>and yank his legs apart.</i>

700
00:30:55,311 --> 00:30:58,356
<i>And no lie, the dick would</i>
<i>go straight up in the prostitute.</i>

701
00:30:58,439 --> 00:31:01,401
<i>But since he was retarded,</i>
<i>we had to motivate him, right?</i>

702
00:31:01,484 --> 00:31:05,029
<i>So we started screaming,</i>
<i>"Kangaroo that pussy, Uncle Cecil!"</i>

703
00:31:05,113 --> 00:31:07,073
<i>[audience laughing, applauding]</i>

704
00:31:20,712 --> 00:31:23,798
<i>He'd get about three, four pumps in,</i>
<i>we'd go tell Granddaddy,</i>

705
00:31:23,882 --> 00:31:26,301
<i>"Granddaddy, he's back there</i>
<i>kangarooing the pussy."</i>

706
00:31:26,885 --> 00:31:29,804
<i>"Can we get our 50 cents</i>
<i>so we can go play Pac-Man now?"</i>

707
00:31:29,888 --> 00:31:31,556
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

708
00:31:31,639 --> 00:31:32,640
<i>[chuckles]</i>

709
00:31:35,685 --> 00:31:37,395
<i>But I gotta keep it real to y'all.</i>

710
00:31:37,478 --> 00:31:39,939
<i>That shit did not help my uncle</i>
<i>with his seizures.</i>

711
00:31:40,023 --> 00:31:42,025
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

712
00:31:45,069 --> 00:31:48,615
<i>He still had two, three seizures a week,</i>
<i>and my granddaddy would get to screaming,</i>

713
00:31:48,698 --> 00:31:51,451
<i>"Goddammit, Cecil's</i>
<i>having another seizure."</i>

714
00:31:51,534 --> 00:31:54,120
<i>"Somebody go get a spoon</i>
<i>and stick it in his mouth."</i>

715
00:31:54,203 --> 00:31:56,664
<i>"But not my good spoon,</i>
<i>'cause he gonna chew it up."</i>

716
00:31:57,457 --> 00:31:59,792
<i>"And make sure you set</i>
<i>two cold Pepsis by his head,</i>

717
00:31:59,876 --> 00:32:02,629
<i>'cause when he gets through shaking,</i>
<i>he'll be thirsty as hell."</i>

718
00:32:03,546 --> 00:32:06,049
<i>And I remember sitting there as a kid</i>
<i>thinking to myself,</i>

719
00:32:06,132 --> 00:32:07,967
<i>"They are killing this fucking man."</i>

720
00:32:08,051 --> 00:32:11,429
<i>"He shouldn't have this much pussy</i>
<i>and Pepsi in his diet."</i>

721
00:32:11,512 --> 00:32:13,890
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

722
00:32:20,313 --> 00:32:23,066
<i>I don't know who the fuck</i>
<i>y'all think y'all came to see.</i>

723
00:32:23,149 --> 00:32:25,902
<i>[audience laughing, applauding]</i>

724
00:32:25,985 --> 00:32:28,488
<i>[cheering and applause]</i>

725
00:32:32,533 --> 00:32:35,161
<i>He passed away when I was 19 years old.</i>

726
00:32:35,244 --> 00:32:38,498
<i>I remember talking to my brother,</i>
<i>"How they gonna bury Uncle Cecil?"</i>

727
00:32:38,581 --> 00:32:40,416
<i>He was like, "I don't know."</i>
<i>I said, "Me either,</i>

728
00:32:40,500 --> 00:32:43,586
<i>'cause when he lay on his back,</i>
<i>his legs be in the air like a bridge."</i>

729
00:32:43,670 --> 00:32:45,672
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

730
00:32:47,674 --> 00:32:49,425
<i>[chuckles]</i>

731
00:32:50,301 --> 00:32:52,345
<i>My brother was like, "You so stupid."</i>

732
00:32:52,428 --> 00:32:55,306
<i>I said, "I know how." He's like, "How?"</i>
<i>I was like, "Duh."</i>

733
00:32:55,390 --> 00:32:58,017
<i>"They gonna cut a hole</i>
<i>on each side of the casket,</i>

734
00:32:58,101 --> 00:33:00,770
<i>stick his feet halfway in,</i>
<i>and let his legs down."</i>

735
00:33:02,355 --> 00:33:04,565
<i>My brother said,</i>
<i>"Bitch, you stupid as fuck."</i>

736
00:33:04,649 --> 00:33:06,609
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

737
00:33:07,443 --> 00:33:09,278
<i>"That is not what they're gonna do."</i>

738
00:33:09,362 --> 00:33:13,116
<i>I'm like, "What are they gonna do?"</i>
<i>He was like, "Duh. He was crippled."</i>

739
00:33:13,199 --> 00:33:16,661
<i>"They're gonna lay him on his side</i>
<i>and put him in an L-shaped casket."</i>

740
00:33:16,744 --> 00:33:17,996
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

741
00:33:22,667 --> 00:33:24,335
<i>But that's not what happened.</i>

742
00:33:24,919 --> 00:33:27,880
<i>What happened was they broke his legs</i>
<i>and laid him straight.</i>

743
00:33:27,964 --> 00:33:29,173
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

744
00:33:29,257 --> 00:33:32,135
<i>That's fucked up a nigga had to die</i>
<i>to walk straight.</i>

745
00:33:32,218 --> 00:33:34,220
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

746
00:33:36,764 --> 00:33:38,474
<i>I've been thinking</i>
<i>about my Uncle Cecil a lot</i>

747
00:33:38,558 --> 00:33:41,310
<i>'cause as a kid,</i>
<i>we helped him get laid a lot, y'all.</i>

748
00:33:41,394 --> 00:33:44,439
<i>I was thinking a couple weeks ago,</i>
<i>I was like, "Damn, you know what?"</i>

749
00:33:44,522 --> 00:33:46,816
<i>"All the pussy</i>
<i>we helped my Uncle Cecil get,</i>

750
00:33:46,899 --> 00:33:52,155
<i>not one time did my granddaddy</i>
<i>ever give us a condom to put on this man."</i>

751
00:33:52,864 --> 00:33:55,116
<i>He was just out here raw-doggin' bitches.</i>

752
00:33:55,199 --> 00:33:56,659
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

753
00:33:56,743 --> 00:33:59,328
<i>All them times he was smiling,</i>
<i>we thought he was happy.</i>

754
00:33:59,412 --> 00:34:02,665
<i>He was probably trying to say,</i>
<i>"Bitch, my dick's on fire!"</i>

755
00:34:02,749 --> 00:34:04,751
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

756
00:34:12,133 --> 00:34:13,551
<i>I can tell you something.</i>

757
00:34:13,634 --> 00:34:16,262
<i>I've raised four kids</i>
<i>and three sets of crack babies,</i>

758
00:34:16,345 --> 00:34:21,142
<i>and two things you cannot stop kids</i>
<i>from doing these days.</i>

759
00:34:21,225 --> 00:34:23,853
<i>It's smoking weed and being gay.</i>

760
00:34:23,936 --> 00:34:25,938
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

761
00:34:28,399 --> 00:34:30,234
<i>They love their fucking edibles.</i>

762
00:34:30,318 --> 00:34:31,819
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

763
00:34:31,903 --> 00:34:34,947
<i>I have a 21-year old son</i>
<i>who loves to get high, y'all.</i>

764
00:34:35,031 --> 00:34:37,408
<i>He's stupid as fuck</i>
<i>when he gets high, too.</i>

765
00:34:37,492 --> 00:34:39,285
<i>I came in the house</i>
<i>at 2:30 in the morning.</i>

766
00:34:39,368 --> 00:34:42,538
<i>This nigga is so high, I'm in the doorway,</i>
<i>he don't even see me.</i>

767
00:34:43,372 --> 00:34:46,542
<i>He's just standing there</i>
<i>with a Chef Boyardee apron and hat on.</i>

768
00:34:46,626 --> 00:34:48,336
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

769
00:34:48,419 --> 00:34:51,547
<i>I don't even know where the fuck</i>
<i>he gets this stupid shit from.</i>

770
00:34:51,631 --> 00:34:54,008
<i>And he's got a whole pan of grease</i>
<i>on the stove.</i>

771
00:34:54,092 --> 00:34:56,636
<i>Ain't but two damn buffalo wings</i>
<i>in the grease.</i>

772
00:34:56,719 --> 00:34:57,970
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

773
00:34:58,054 --> 00:35:01,015
<i>He's flipping the shit</i>
<i>like he's cooking for a whole family.</i>

774
00:35:01,099 --> 00:35:02,975
<i>-[audience laughing]</i>
<i>-[chuckles]</i>

775
00:35:04,227 --> 00:35:05,895
<i>And I don't say nothing to him</i>

776
00:35:05,978 --> 00:35:09,565
<i>until he started fucking</i>
<i>yanking my paper towels off the roll.</i>

777
00:35:10,066 --> 00:35:12,985
<i>And I'm like, "Hold on, nigga.</i>
<i>That is not Great Value."</i>

778
00:35:13,069 --> 00:35:15,071
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

779
00:35:18,658 --> 00:35:20,743
<i>"Bitch, that's the quicker picker-upper."</i>

780
00:35:20,827 --> 00:35:23,496
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

781
00:35:23,579 --> 00:35:26,332
<i>You know Brawny, the nigga</i>
<i>with the lumberjack shirt on?</i>

782
00:35:26,415 --> 00:35:27,875
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

783
00:35:27,959 --> 00:35:28,793
<i>[chuckles]</i>

784
00:35:28,876 --> 00:35:32,713
<i>'Cause to me, y'all, that shows you</i>
<i>how ungrateful my kids are.</i>

785
00:35:32,797 --> 00:35:35,883
<i>When I was coming up,</i>
<i>we didn't have no fucking paper towels.</i>

786
00:35:35,967 --> 00:35:39,804
<i>When my mama fried our chicken backs</i>
<i>and ass, she put that shit on newspaper.</i>

787
00:35:39,887 --> 00:35:41,889
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

788
00:35:44,142 --> 00:35:45,101
<i>[chuckles]</i>

789
00:35:47,103 --> 00:35:49,438
<i>You know how many times</i>
<i>I picked up my ass and backs</i>

790
00:35:49,522 --> 00:35:52,024
<i>and all the headlines</i>
<i>was on the back of that shit?</i>

791
00:35:52,108 --> 00:35:54,026
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

792
00:35:54,110 --> 00:35:57,238
<i>"Nine niggas killed in Chicago</i>
<i>last night." [chomps]</i>

793
00:35:57,321 --> 00:35:59,323
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

794
00:36:07,123 --> 00:36:09,167
<i>Shit like that make me want to vent.</i>

795
00:36:09,834 --> 00:36:11,460
<i>Other shit like that make me want to vent,</i>

796
00:36:11,544 --> 00:36:13,880
<i>and I gotta keep it real</i>
<i>'cause I love everybody.</i>

797
00:36:13,963 --> 00:36:16,382
<i>White women, I love you to death,</i>

798
00:36:16,465 --> 00:36:18,968
<i>but you gotta stop doing nigga shit.</i>

799
00:36:19,051 --> 00:36:20,553
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

800
00:36:20,636 --> 00:36:24,140
<i>Y'all gotta stop going out here</i>
<i>buying these nigga-lips, white women.</i>

801
00:36:24,223 --> 00:36:25,474
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

802
00:36:25,558 --> 00:36:27,476
<i>They're too big for your fucking face.</i>

803
00:36:27,560 --> 00:36:28,686
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

804
00:36:28,769 --> 00:36:31,355
<i>If you gonna buy these nigga-lips,</i>
<i>you need this African cheekbone.</i>

805
00:36:31,439 --> 00:36:33,858
<i>You're running around</i>
<i>with heavy-ass nigga-lips on your face.</i>

806
00:36:33,941 --> 00:36:36,819
<i>Now your eye socket's hanging down.</i>
<i>Bitch, you got dry eye.</i>

807
00:36:36,903 --> 00:36:39,280
<i>[audience laughing, applauding]</i>

808
00:36:39,363 --> 00:36:40,364
<i>[chuckles]</i>

809
00:36:40,448 --> 00:36:41,657
<i>Stop that shit!</i>

810
00:36:41,741 --> 00:36:44,952
<i>And they don't look good on your face.</i>
<i>They look like swollen pussies.</i>

811
00:36:45,036 --> 00:36:47,038
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

812
00:36:47,997 --> 00:36:50,499
<i>And I'm here to tell you,</i>
<i>white men don't like you</i>

813
00:36:50,583 --> 00:36:52,710
<i>sucking their dicks</i>
<i>with nigga lips either.</i>

814
00:36:53,252 --> 00:36:55,504
<i>White men like Thin Mints on their dicks.</i>

815
00:36:55,588 --> 00:36:57,924
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

816
00:36:58,007 --> 00:37:00,593
<i>They don't like the lips</i>
<i>to be bigger than the dick.</i>

817
00:37:00,676 --> 00:37:01,844
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

818
00:37:01,928 --> 00:37:03,846
<i>[scattered applause]</i>

819
00:37:09,101 --> 00:37:12,688
<i>Stick to the shit you know, white women.</i>
<i>Your shit is fake titties.</i>

820
00:37:12,772 --> 00:37:15,233
<i>You've been getting that shit</i>
<i>since middle school.</i>

821
00:37:15,316 --> 00:37:16,484
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

822
00:37:16,567 --> 00:37:19,862
<i>I'll tell you somebody who will fuck up</i>
<i>some fake titties is Black women.</i>

823
00:37:19,946 --> 00:37:22,865
<i>'Cause, nigga, whoever do our hair</i>
<i>is gonna do our titties.</i>

824
00:37:22,949 --> 00:37:24,283
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

825
00:37:24,367 --> 00:37:26,577
<i>Wigs and titties for $89.</i>

826
00:37:26,661 --> 00:37:28,287
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

827
00:37:31,499 --> 00:37:33,626
<i>But I'll tell you what I do love.</i>

828
00:37:33,709 --> 00:37:37,630
<i>I love when white people adopt Black kids.</i>

829
00:37:38,297 --> 00:37:41,634
<i>I think it's one</i>
<i>of the most beautiful things in the world</i>

830
00:37:41,717 --> 00:37:45,054
<i>to bring that type of diversity</i>
<i>into your household.</i>

831
00:37:45,137 --> 00:37:47,139
<i>But I gotta keep it real with you.</i>

832
00:37:47,223 --> 00:37:51,852
<i>White people, some Black people get mad</i>
<i>when they see you with them Black kids.</i>

833
00:37:51,936 --> 00:37:55,064
<i>And I tell 'em, "Shut the fuck up, bitch.</i>
<i>You ain't know that nigga."</i>

834
00:37:55,147 --> 00:37:57,275
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

835
00:37:57,358 --> 00:37:59,568
<i>You probably ain't got</i>
<i>your own fucking kids.</i>

836
00:37:59,652 --> 00:38:00,653
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

837
00:38:00,736 --> 00:38:03,281
<i>And I will admit, I do get a little upset</i>

838
00:38:03,364 --> 00:38:07,076
<i>when I see you white women at Target</i>
<i>with your new Black babies in the buggy,</i>

839
00:38:07,159 --> 00:38:10,913
<i>and the fucking baby's mouth is so ashy,</i>
<i>it looks like he just ate a cocaine cake.</i>

840
00:38:10,997 --> 00:38:12,873
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

841
00:38:14,583 --> 00:38:16,377
<i>But me being the Black mama I am,</i>

842
00:38:16,460 --> 00:38:18,796
<i>I know exactly what to do</i>
<i>with that Black baby.</i>

843
00:38:18,879 --> 00:38:20,089
<i>I just walk up to him…</i>

844
00:38:20,673 --> 00:38:21,507
<i>[grunts]</i>

845
00:38:21,590 --> 00:38:23,009
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

846
00:38:23,092 --> 00:38:24,844
<i>Knock the ash off that nigga.</i>

847
00:38:24,927 --> 00:38:26,387
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

848
00:38:27,430 --> 00:38:30,391
<i>But it made me think, right.</i>
<i>I'm like, you know what?</i>

849
00:38:30,474 --> 00:38:34,145
<i>White people always go on out here</i>
<i>and adopt Black kids.</i>

850
00:38:34,228 --> 00:38:37,231
<i>But let me ask you something,</i>
<i>the few white people that are here.</i>

851
00:38:37,315 --> 00:38:38,274
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

852
00:38:38,357 --> 00:38:40,651
<i>I ain't trying to pick on nobody,</i>
<i>but let me ask you.</i>

853
00:38:40,735 --> 00:38:43,404
<i>Have y'all noticed</i>
<i>that we don't fuck with y'all kids?</i>

854
00:38:43,487 --> 00:38:45,323
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

855
00:38:45,406 --> 00:38:48,492
<i>Not because we're racist</i>
<i>or no shit like that.</i>

856
00:38:49,035 --> 00:38:52,330
<i>We don't fuck with white kids</i>
<i>because it costs too much.</i>

857
00:38:53,205 --> 00:38:56,417
<i>We're not about to go out here</i>
<i>and adopt no white child.</i>

858
00:38:56,500 --> 00:38:59,378
<i>Now we gotta start</i>
<i>buying Lubriderm lotion.</i>

859
00:38:59,462 --> 00:39:01,088
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

860
00:39:01,672 --> 00:39:04,050
<i>Nigga, cocoa butter costs three dollars.</i>

861
00:39:05,051 --> 00:39:07,511
<i>You can't put that greasy shit</i>
<i>on no white kid</i>

862
00:39:07,595 --> 00:39:09,555
<i>and send him outside in the sun.</i>

863
00:39:09,638 --> 00:39:11,891
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

864
00:39:11,974 --> 00:39:13,351
<i>He'll catch on fire.</i>

865
00:39:13,434 --> 00:39:15,269
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

866
00:39:15,353 --> 00:39:17,521
<i>Now you're in jail for a hate crime.</i>

867
00:39:17,605 --> 00:39:18,939
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

868
00:39:19,023 --> 00:39:22,109
<i>All you were trying to do</i>
<i>is just oil Timmy Tim's ass up.</i>

869
00:39:22,193 --> 00:39:23,486
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

870
00:39:27,281 --> 00:39:30,284
<i>But it made me think.</i>
<i>I said, "You know what, Black women?"</i>

871
00:39:30,368 --> 00:39:33,079
<i>"If we would start adopting</i>
<i>more white kids,</i>

872
00:39:33,162 --> 00:39:34,872
<i>we could solve a problem in this country</i>

873
00:39:34,955 --> 00:39:37,792
<i>that the government</i>
<i>acts like they don't know how to solve."</i>

874
00:39:38,292 --> 00:39:39,418
<i>Which is…</i>

875
00:39:39,960 --> 00:39:41,587
<i>school shootings.</i>

876
00:39:43,047 --> 00:39:44,256
<i>Now, get our crimes right.</i>

877
00:39:44,340 --> 00:39:46,509
<i>We do drive-bys,</i>
<i>we don't fuck with schools.</i>

878
00:39:46,592 --> 00:39:47,468
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

879
00:39:47,551 --> 00:39:51,138
<i>'Cause you can't shoot up no school</i>
<i>when you got no Black mama.</i>

880
00:39:51,222 --> 00:39:54,392
<i>She'll come up to that bitch</i>
<i>and interrupt that school shooting.</i>

881
00:39:54,475 --> 00:39:56,060
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

882
00:39:56,143 --> 00:39:58,104
<i>A Black mama will come</i>
<i>to that fucking school</i>

883
00:39:58,187 --> 00:39:59,688
<i>with a bonnet on her head…</i>

884
00:40:00,356 --> 00:40:01,941
<i>That's a hair wrap. [chuckles]</i>

885
00:40:02,608 --> 00:40:04,985
<i>…and that crop top shirt on,</i>

886
00:40:05,069 --> 00:40:08,739
<i>with them fucking jogging pants</i>
<i>with "Juicy" on the back of her ass.</i>

887
00:40:08,823 --> 00:40:10,491
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

888
00:40:10,574 --> 00:40:12,868
<i>And them dirty-ass UGG boots on.</i>

889
00:40:13,744 --> 00:40:17,957
<i>Screaming to the top of her lungs,</i>
<i>"Charles Craig Junior the Third!"</i>

890
00:40:18,457 --> 00:40:21,669
<i>"I know you ain't up here</i>
<i>wasting my motherfucking bullets."</i>

891
00:40:21,752 --> 00:40:24,713
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

892
00:40:24,797 --> 00:40:27,091
<i>"Do you think bullets grow on trees?"</i>

893
00:40:27,967 --> 00:40:30,511
<i>"You an old selfish-ass white nigga."</i>

894
00:40:30,594 --> 00:40:32,638
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

895
00:40:32,721 --> 00:40:35,349
<i>"Knew you was full of shit</i>
<i>when you walked out this morning</i>

896
00:40:35,433 --> 00:40:37,059
<i>with that damn trench coat on."</i>

897
00:40:37,143 --> 00:40:39,270
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

898
00:40:39,353 --> 00:40:42,606
<i>"And I know you didn't think I was</i>
<i>gonna read that shitty-ass manifesto</i>

899
00:40:42,690 --> 00:40:43,732
<i>you left behind."</i>

900
00:40:43,816 --> 00:40:45,943
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

901
00:40:46,026 --> 00:40:48,195
<i>They write down why they kill.</i>

902
00:40:48,279 --> 00:40:50,406
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

903
00:40:50,489 --> 00:40:51,949
<i>[chuckles]</i>

904
00:40:53,451 --> 00:40:54,326
<i>[chuckles]</i>

905
00:40:56,454 --> 00:40:58,414
<i>But I want y'all to think about this,</i>
<i>Black people.</i>

906
00:40:58,497 --> 00:41:01,250
<i>They're always going out here</i>
<i>and adopting our fucking kids,</i>

907
00:41:01,333 --> 00:41:03,210
<i>and they end up with some good shit.</i>

908
00:41:03,794 --> 00:41:05,379
<i>Like </i>The Blind Side.

909
00:41:05,463 --> 00:41:07,548
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

910
00:41:07,631 --> 00:41:09,675
<i>The Blind Side,</i> the big nigga
walking down the street,

911
00:41:09,758 --> 00:41:13,012
<i>the white woman pick him up,</i>
<i>turn him into an NFL player.</i>

912
00:41:13,721 --> 00:41:16,140
<i>All I'm saying is,</i>
<i>don't y'all want an Eminem?</i>

913
00:41:16,223 --> 00:41:18,601
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

914
00:41:18,684 --> 00:41:21,103
<i>Better take your ass</i>
<i>to a white trash auction.</i>

915
00:41:21,187 --> 00:41:23,397
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

916
00:41:23,481 --> 00:41:24,982
<i>[chuckles]</i>

917
00:41:26,108 --> 00:41:27,485
<i>Yeah, I said it. [chuckles]</i>

918
00:41:27,568 --> 00:41:29,778
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

919
00:41:29,862 --> 00:41:32,364
<i>I'm going to me one</i>
<i>with a hockey stick in my hand.</i>

920
00:41:32,448 --> 00:41:34,366
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

921
00:41:34,450 --> 00:41:37,369
<i>Walk up on me a white kid.</i>
<i>"Hey, white nigga, can you rap?"</i>

922
00:41:37,453 --> 00:41:38,996
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

923
00:41:39,079 --> 00:41:41,040
<i>"Let me hear you sing 'My Name Is.'"</i>

924
00:41:41,123 --> 00:41:43,959
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

925
00:41:44,043 --> 00:41:46,378
<i>"Can the real Slim Shady please stand up?"</i>

926
00:41:46,462 --> 00:41:47,963
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

927
00:41:48,047 --> 00:41:51,050
<i>"Oh, fuck it, you can't… you can't rap.</i>
<i>Can you play hockey?"</i>

928
00:41:51,133 --> 00:41:51,967
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

929
00:41:52,051 --> 00:41:53,427
<i>"Can you drive fast?"</i>

930
00:41:53,511 --> 00:41:54,386
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

931
00:41:54,470 --> 00:41:55,387
<i>NASCAR.</i>

932
00:41:55,471 --> 00:41:57,431
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

933
00:41:57,515 --> 00:41:58,766
<i>[chuckles]</i>

934
00:41:58,849 --> 00:42:01,644
<i>You always have one white kid</i>
<i>stand up, "I can play basketball."</i>

935
00:42:01,727 --> 00:42:04,063
<i>-I'll be like, "Sit your ass down."</i>
<i>-[audience laughing]</i>

936
00:42:04,146 --> 00:42:06,148
<i>Y'all ain't been shit since Larry Bird.</i>

937
00:42:06,232 --> 00:42:07,650
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

938
00:42:09,860 --> 00:42:12,154
<i>Larry Bird, that white Michael Jordan.</i>

939
00:42:12,238 --> 00:42:14,198
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

940
00:42:18,827 --> 00:42:21,163
<i>Come on, goddammit, we ain't that young.</i>

941
00:42:21,247 --> 00:42:22,289
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

942
00:42:22,373 --> 00:42:23,541
<i>[sighs]</i>

943
00:42:23,624 --> 00:42:26,043
<i>My oldest daughter is gay as fuck, y'all.</i>

944
00:42:26,126 --> 00:42:29,255
<i>[cheering]</i>

945
00:42:29,338 --> 00:42:31,882
<i>[scattered applause]</i>

946
00:42:31,966 --> 00:42:33,717
<i>She'll eat everybody in here.</i>

947
00:42:33,801 --> 00:42:35,678
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

948
00:42:35,761 --> 00:42:39,640
<i>I ain't gonna lie, y'all, my baby eats</i>
<i>so much pussy, we call her Ms. Pac-Man.</i>

949
00:42:39,723 --> 00:42:41,725
<i>-[audience laughing]</i>
<i>-[laughs]</i>

950
00:42:46,605 --> 00:42:49,233
<i>But I should have known</i>
<i>she was gonna be different, y'all,</i>

951
00:42:49,316 --> 00:42:52,194
<i>the day my baby daddy's wife</i>
<i>knocked on my door.</i>

952
00:42:53,153 --> 00:42:56,282
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

953
00:42:56,365 --> 00:42:58,534
<i>She knocked on the door</i>
<i>and asked for me by name.</i>

954
00:42:58,617 --> 00:42:59,660
<i>I'm like, "That's me."</i>

955
00:42:59,743 --> 00:43:02,413
<i>She's like, "I'm here to tell you</i>
<i>you're sleeping with my husband."</i>

956
00:43:02,496 --> 00:43:03,414
<i>That fucked me up.</i>

957
00:43:03,497 --> 00:43:05,874
<i>I'm like, "Hold on,</i>
<i>how am I sleeping with your husband?"</i>

958
00:43:05,958 --> 00:43:07,334
<i>"He gotta be your boyfriend first,</i>

959
00:43:07,418 --> 00:43:09,461
<i>so technically,</i>
<i>you're sleeping with my man."</i>

960
00:43:09,545 --> 00:43:11,463
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

961
00:43:11,547 --> 00:43:13,591
<i>She was like, "How old are you?"</i>
<i>I'm like, "13."</i>

962
00:43:13,674 --> 00:43:15,634
<i>She was like, "Come outside,</i>
<i>let me talk to you."</i>

963
00:43:15,718 --> 00:43:17,261
<i>So I walk outside, I'm talking to her,</i>

964
00:43:17,344 --> 00:43:20,097
<i>we're standing on the corner,</i>
<i>I'm five months pregnant by her husband.</i>

965
00:43:20,180 --> 00:43:23,309
<i>The ice cream man comes down the street.</i>
<i>She was like, "You want ice cream?"</i>

966
00:43:23,392 --> 00:43:25,936
<i>I'm like, "Hell yeah,</i>
<i>me and your step-child are hot."</i>

967
00:43:26,020 --> 00:43:28,022
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

968
00:43:29,440 --> 00:43:31,692
<i>Open your mind, this shit is funny.</i>

969
00:43:31,775 --> 00:43:33,193
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

970
00:43:33,277 --> 00:43:35,904
<i>She went on to ask me to have an abortion.</i>

971
00:43:35,988 --> 00:43:37,698
<i>I'm like, "For a Bomb Pop, bitch?"</i>

972
00:43:37,781 --> 00:43:39,617
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

973
00:43:39,700 --> 00:43:41,535
<i>All she bought me</i>
<i>was one fucking Bomb Pop.</i>

974
00:43:41,619 --> 00:43:44,204
<i>I'm like, "You ain't gonna buy me</i>
<i>no box of Bomb Pops, bitch?"</i>

975
00:43:44,288 --> 00:43:45,789
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

976
00:43:45,873 --> 00:43:48,167
<i>I said, "Fuck it." I kept my child.</i>

977
00:43:48,250 --> 00:43:51,045
<i>And now my kids' father acts like</i>
<i>he don't remember the age difference.</i>

978
00:43:51,128 --> 00:43:54,965
<i>When I met him, I was 12 and he was 21</i>
<i>and he was married.</i>

979
00:43:55,049 --> 00:43:56,508
<i>Fuck you. Mind your business.</i>

980
00:43:56,592 --> 00:43:57,926
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

981
00:43:58,010 --> 00:43:58,969
<i>[chuckles]</i>

982
00:43:59,053 --> 00:44:02,806
<i>He wants to tell me, "You know damn well</i>
<i>I didn't know you were that young."</i>

983
00:44:02,890 --> 00:44:05,309
<i>I'm like, "Oh, nigga,</i>
<i>you got amnesia now?"</i>

984
00:44:05,392 --> 00:44:08,228
<i>"'Cause, bitch, you was picking me up</i>
<i>at an elementary school."</i>

985
00:44:08,312 --> 00:44:09,146
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

986
00:44:09,229 --> 00:44:11,649
<i>"The fuck you thought I was?</i>
<i>The cafeteria lady?"</i>

987
00:44:11,732 --> 00:44:13,859
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

988
00:44:13,942 --> 00:44:17,029
<i>The only motherfucker in elementary</i>
<i>whose boyfriend got a car.</i>

989
00:44:17,112 --> 00:44:18,489
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

990
00:44:18,572 --> 00:44:20,199
<i>I'm looking around at my friends, like,</i>

991
00:44:20,282 --> 00:44:23,077
<i>"Y'all boyfriends need</i>
<i>to get the fuck off these bicycles."</i>

992
00:44:23,160 --> 00:44:24,870
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

993
00:44:24,953 --> 00:44:27,915
<i>[applause]</i>

994
00:44:27,998 --> 00:44:31,877
<i>My friend was like, "No, that old nigga</i>
<i>needs to stop picking you up so much."</i>

995
00:44:31,960 --> 00:44:33,337
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

996
00:44:34,213 --> 00:44:37,007
<i>So I get pregnant at 13,</i>
<i>and I go into labor at 14.</i>

997
00:44:37,091 --> 00:44:39,593
<i>I wake my mama up one morning</i>
<i>about four o’clock in the morning.</i>

998
00:44:39,677 --> 00:44:42,137
<i>I'm like, "Mama,</i>
<i>my damn stomach is hurting."</i>

999
00:44:42,221 --> 00:44:44,098
<i>My mama jumps out of bed,</i>
<i>out of a deep sleep.</i>

1000
00:44:44,181 --> 00:44:47,351
<i>She's pissed off, her little short leg</i>
<i>hanging like a soft dick.</i>

1001
00:44:47,434 --> 00:44:48,268
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1002
00:44:48,352 --> 00:44:51,814
<i>She started screaming,</i>
<i>"A nigga can't get no sleep around here!"</i>

1003
00:44:51,897 --> 00:44:53,774
<i>She goes over and wakes up my sister.</i>

1004
00:44:53,857 --> 00:44:57,236
<i>She was like, "Get your ass up</i>
<i>and go up to the payphone,"</i>

1005
00:44:57,319 --> 00:44:58,737
<i>we didn't have a home phone,</i>

1006
00:44:58,821 --> 00:45:02,950
<i>"and call 911 so they can come get her ass</i>
<i>and I can go back to sleep."</i>

1007
00:45:03,033 --> 00:45:04,118
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1008
00:45:04,201 --> 00:45:07,621
<i>Fuck, y'all. Don't judge my mama.</i>
<i>She didn't feel like riding that night.</i>

1009
00:45:07,705 --> 00:45:08,539
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1010
00:45:08,622 --> 00:45:12,042
<i>My sister goes up to the payphone,</i>
<i>she calls 911, she comes back.</i>

1011
00:45:12,126 --> 00:45:14,962
<i>Within five minutes,</i>
<i>they're beating on the door, "Bam, bam."</i>

1012
00:45:15,045 --> 00:45:17,339
<i>"Is the baby born?"</i>
<i>I'm like, "The baby born?"</i>

1013
00:45:17,423 --> 00:45:19,925
<i>This bitch done told the people</i>
<i>the baby came out.</i>

1014
00:45:20,008 --> 00:45:21,468
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1015
00:45:21,552 --> 00:45:24,054
<i>I open the door. I'm like,</i>
<i>"No, sir, I'm just having pains."</i>

1016
00:45:24,138 --> 00:45:26,932
<i>He was like, "Can you walk</i>
<i>to the ambulance?" I'm like, "Yeah."</i>

1017
00:45:27,015 --> 00:45:29,101
<i>I walked to the ambulance. No lie, y'all.</i>

1018
00:45:29,184 --> 00:45:32,396
<i>He opened the door, it's another nigga</i>
<i>already on the stretcher.</i>

1019
00:45:33,188 --> 00:45:35,607
<i>What happened was,</i>
<i>he said, around the corner from me,</i>

1020
00:45:35,691 --> 00:45:37,443
<i>somebody got stabbed in the shoulder.</i>

1021
00:45:37,526 --> 00:45:40,362
<i>And when my call came in,</i>
<i>they swooped around and got me.</i>

1022
00:45:40,446 --> 00:45:42,114
<i>-[audience laughing]</i>
<i>-[chuckles]</i>

1023
00:45:42,197 --> 00:45:43,949
<i>But since I was in more pain than him,</i>

1024
00:45:44,032 --> 00:45:46,452
<i>they made him get up</i>
<i>and put me on the stretcher.</i>

1025
00:45:46,535 --> 00:45:48,203
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1026
00:45:48,287 --> 00:45:50,831
<i>On the way to the hospital,</i>
<i>I get a contraction.</i>

1027
00:45:50,914 --> 00:45:53,292
<i>This nigga gonna grab my hand,</i>
<i>"Breathe, baby, breathe."</i>

1028
00:45:53,375 --> 00:45:55,794
<i>-I'm like, "Who the fuck are you?"</i>
<i>-[audience laughing]</i>

1029
00:45:57,087 --> 00:46:01,175
<i>I get to the hospital, y'all.</i>
<i>I give birth to a nine-pound little girl.</i>

1030
00:46:02,259 --> 00:46:05,387
<i>And I gotta keep it real with you.</i>
<i>I was not trying to have no fucking baby.</i>

1031
00:46:05,471 --> 00:46:08,056
<i>All I wanted</i>
<i>was a fucking Cabbage Patch Kid</i>

1032
00:46:08,140 --> 00:46:09,641
<i>with a real birth certificate.</i>

1033
00:46:09,725 --> 00:46:11,894
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1034
00:46:11,977 --> 00:46:14,563
<i>This old nigga done put a whole baby</i>
<i>off in my ass.</i>

1035
00:46:15,355 --> 00:46:18,066
<i>I give birth. Two hours later,</i>
<i>the nurse came back.</i>

1036
00:46:18,150 --> 00:46:20,778
<i>She was like, "Ma'am,</i>
<i>you need to feed the baby."</i>

1037
00:46:20,861 --> 00:46:22,279
<i>I'm like, "With what?"</i>

1038
00:46:22,362 --> 00:46:24,531
<i>-[audience laughing]</i>
<i>-She's like, "With your titty."</i>

1039
00:46:24,615 --> 00:46:27,367
<i>I'm 14 years old. I don't know shit</i>
<i>about no damn breastfeeding.</i>

1040
00:46:27,451 --> 00:46:30,621
<i>So I just picked my whole titty up</i>
<i>and dropped it in my daughter's face.</i>

1041
00:46:30,704 --> 00:46:32,206
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1042
00:46:32,289 --> 00:46:34,249
<i>About to smother the shit out of her.</i>

1043
00:46:34,333 --> 00:46:35,209
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1044
00:46:35,292 --> 00:46:39,004
<i>I look up at the nurse, I'm like,</i>
<i>"Nurse, I don't think she likes titties."</i>

1045
00:46:39,087 --> 00:46:40,547
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1046
00:46:40,631 --> 00:46:42,216
<i>The nurse was like, "What are you doing?"</i>

1047
00:46:42,299 --> 00:46:44,468
<i>"You gotta put the nipple</i>
<i>in the baby's mouth."</i>

1048
00:46:44,551 --> 00:46:46,386
<i>I was like, "Oh. Okay."</i>

1049
00:46:47,012 --> 00:46:49,640
<i>I put my nipple</i>
<i>in my daughter's mouth, y'all,</i>

1050
00:46:49,723 --> 00:46:51,934
<i>and she clamped down on that bitch.</i>

1051
00:46:52,893 --> 00:46:56,063
<i>I'm like, "Uh, nurse,</i>
<i>I ain't gonna be able to do this shit."</i>

1052
00:46:56,146 --> 00:46:57,606
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1053
00:46:57,689 --> 00:47:00,067
<i>She was like, "Why?" I said, "Shit."</i>

1054
00:47:00,859 --> 00:47:03,779
<i>"You suck my titty, that's my hot spot.</i>
<i>You gotta fuck me."</i>

1055
00:47:03,862 --> 00:47:05,656
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1056
00:47:05,739 --> 00:47:08,158
<i>[applause]</i>

1057
00:47:11,954 --> 00:47:14,915
<i>Do y'all know my daughter</i>
<i>ain't stopped sucking titties yet?</i>

1058
00:47:14,998 --> 00:47:16,500
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1059
00:47:16,583 --> 00:47:18,877
<i>Breastfeeding made my baby gay.</i>

1060
00:47:18,961 --> 00:47:20,963
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1061
00:47:22,381 --> 00:47:25,634
<i>She's gay as hell. Every time I go over</i>
<i>to her house, there's a new girl.</i>

1062
00:47:25,717 --> 00:47:26,844
<i>I try to tell these hos,</i>

1063
00:47:26,927 --> 00:47:29,596
<i>"Don't fuck with my daughter.</i>
<i>She's gonna eat you and leave you."</i>

1064
00:47:29,680 --> 00:47:30,848
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1065
00:47:30,931 --> 00:47:32,182
<i>[chuckles]</i>

1066
00:47:32,724 --> 00:47:35,102
<i>I'm like, "Bitch, she's gonna</i>
<i>treat you like takeout."</i>

1067
00:47:35,185 --> 00:47:37,104
<i>-[audience laughing]</i>
<i>-[laughs]</i>

1068
00:47:37,187 --> 00:47:39,606
<i>My daughter's like,</i>
<i>"Mama, you need to mind your business."</i>

1069
00:47:39,690 --> 00:47:42,860
<i>"Me and my girlfriend gonna go</i>
<i>to the store. Wait at the house."</i>

1070
00:47:42,943 --> 00:47:46,113
<i>And I'm sitting at her house,</i>
<i>and I'm thinking to myself,</i>

1071
00:47:46,196 --> 00:47:47,656
<i>"My daughter is gay as fuck."</i>

1072
00:47:48,615 --> 00:47:51,159
<i>"What these two</i>
<i>carpet-crunching bitches be doin'?"</i>

1073
00:47:51,243 --> 00:47:52,953
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1074
00:47:53,036 --> 00:47:54,913
<i>And the reason why</i>
<i>I call them "carpet-crunching"</i>

1075
00:47:54,997 --> 00:47:57,457
<i>is 'cause I assume</i>
<i>when two Black vaginas get together,</i>

1076
00:47:57,541 --> 00:48:00,168
<i>it sounds like</i>
<i>you're stepping on a bag of Doritos.</i>

1077
00:48:00,252 --> 00:48:01,503
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1078
00:48:05,132 --> 00:48:06,300
<i>[chuckles]</i>

1079
00:48:06,383 --> 00:48:08,760
<i>Can you spread some of that shit</i>
<i>over here, sir?</i>

1080
00:48:08,844 --> 00:48:11,346
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1081
00:48:11,430 --> 00:48:14,683
<i>That's what it sounds like</i>
<i>when I got an afro down there. "Rrrrr."</i>

1082
00:48:14,766 --> 00:48:15,851
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1083
00:48:15,934 --> 00:48:19,354
<i>[laughing]</i>

1084
00:48:19,980 --> 00:48:21,982
<i>So I decided to be nosy, right?</i>

1085
00:48:22,065 --> 00:48:23,275
<i>And I go to her closet.</i>

1086
00:48:23,358 --> 00:48:29,239
<i>And that day, I learned that all gay women</i>
<i>got the same shit in their closet</i>

1087
00:48:29,323 --> 00:48:32,284
<i>on the top shelf, on the left-hand side.</i>

1088
00:48:32,367 --> 00:48:33,869
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1089
00:48:33,952 --> 00:48:35,996
<i>And it's called a dick box.</i>

1090
00:48:36,079 --> 00:48:37,414
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1091
00:48:37,497 --> 00:48:40,375
<i>Y'all, and I fucked around</i>
<i>and knocked that dick box down,</i>

1092
00:48:40,459 --> 00:48:43,795
<i>and all them dicks fell out</i>
<i>with them suction-cup nuts on 'em.</i>

1093
00:48:43,879 --> 00:48:45,547
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1094
00:48:46,381 --> 00:48:47,299
<i>[chuckles]</i>

1095
00:48:47,382 --> 00:48:49,259
<i>Nigga, that shit hit that linoleum floor.</i>

1096
00:48:49,343 --> 00:48:52,679
<i>I look back,</i>
<i>them dicks just waving side to side.</i>

1097
00:48:52,763 --> 00:48:54,973
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1098
00:48:55,057 --> 00:48:57,267
<i>Like they're at a fucking used car lot.</i>

1099
00:48:57,351 --> 00:48:59,311
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1100
00:49:01,104 --> 00:49:03,690
<i>Do you know how hard it is</i>
<i>to pull suction cup dicks</i>

1101
00:49:03,774 --> 00:49:05,150
<i>up off a linoleum floor?</i>

1102
00:49:05,233 --> 00:49:07,319
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1103
00:49:07,402 --> 00:49:10,989
<i>You can't just pull them dicks up.</i>
<i>I had to slide 'em to the carpet.</i>

1104
00:49:11,073 --> 00:49:13,075
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1105
00:49:15,118 --> 00:49:16,536
<i>Like dead bodies.</i>

1106
00:49:16,620 --> 00:49:18,121
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1107
00:49:19,790 --> 00:49:21,208
<i>Gay as hell. [chuckles]</i>

1108
00:49:23,669 --> 00:49:27,047
<i>No lie, we went on a mother-daughter trip</i>
<i>to New York one time.</i>

1109
00:49:27,130 --> 00:49:29,925
<i>Just me and her, come back in</i>
<i>from shopping all day.</i>

1110
00:49:30,008 --> 00:49:32,803
<i>I'm looking in her book bag</i>
<i>for my keys, right?</i>

1111
00:49:32,886 --> 00:49:35,472
<i>At the bottom of her book bag,</i>
<i>on a mother-daughter trip,</i>

1112
00:49:35,555 --> 00:49:39,351
<i>I pull out her strap-on</i>
<i>connected to a karate belt.</i>

1113
00:49:39,434 --> 00:49:41,436
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1114
00:49:45,857 --> 00:49:50,028
<i>I'm like, "Why the hell would you bring</i>
<i>your strap-on on a mother-daughter trip?"</i>

1115
00:49:50,112 --> 00:49:54,533
<i>She gonna look at me, "Mama,</i>
<i>in case I gotta dick these bitches down."</i>

1116
00:49:54,616 --> 00:49:56,618
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1117
00:49:58,620 --> 00:50:00,497
<i>I'm like, "But it's just me and you."</i>

1118
00:50:00,580 --> 00:50:01,498
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1119
00:50:01,581 --> 00:50:03,041
<i>"You gonna fuck your mama?"</i>

1120
00:50:03,125 --> 00:50:04,751
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1121
00:50:04,835 --> 00:50:07,462
<i>Scared the shit out of me.</i>
<i>I slept with one eye open.</i>

1122
00:50:07,546 --> 00:50:09,464
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1123
00:50:09,548 --> 00:50:13,343
<i>Oh baby, ain't nobody about</i>
<i>to take advantage of me with no cold dick.</i>

1124
00:50:13,427 --> 00:50:15,053
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1125
00:50:15,137 --> 00:50:17,431
<i>[scoffs] I don't even like my food cold.</i>

1126
00:50:18,473 --> 00:50:21,560
<i>I like to feel them hot nutsacks</i>
<i>hit the back of my ass.</i>

1127
00:50:21,643 --> 00:50:24,813
<i>[laughter and scattered applause]</i>

1128
00:50:24,896 --> 00:50:26,314
<i>Shit. I'm a grown-ass woman.</i>

1129
00:50:26,398 --> 00:50:28,442
<i>I like them grown nuts</i>
<i>that come up between your legs.</i>

1130
00:50:28,525 --> 00:50:30,277
<i>You gotta hit 'em back like tennis.</i>

1131
00:50:30,360 --> 00:50:32,195
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1132
00:50:35,490 --> 00:50:36,491
<i>Mm-mm.</i>

1133
00:50:37,242 --> 00:50:39,077
<i>One thing I know about being a gay parent,</i>

1134
00:50:39,161 --> 00:50:42,998
<i>you gotta have them fucking gay parent</i>
<i>conversations when they come out.</i>

1135
00:50:43,081 --> 00:50:45,709
<i>And the first thing they say is,</i>
<i>"I was born gay."</i>

1136
00:50:45,792 --> 00:50:49,671
<i>I say, "Look here, I love you to death,</i>
<i>I don't know how the fuck you got gay,</i>

1137
00:50:50,797 --> 00:50:54,885
<i>but if you eat pussy</i>
<i>like your real daddy do, you are a hero!"</i>

1138
00:50:54,968 --> 00:50:57,596
<i>[laughter and scattered applause]</i>

1139
00:51:04,978 --> 00:51:07,773
<i>"Mama, you're always making jokes.</i>
<i>I was born gay."</i>

1140
00:51:07,856 --> 00:51:10,734
<i>I said, "Look, bitch, you was not gay</i>
<i>on that fucking ultrasound."</i>

1141
00:51:10,817 --> 00:51:12,486
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1142
00:51:12,569 --> 00:51:16,031
<i>"I don't have one picture of you</i>
<i>doing this shit. Not one."</i>

1143
00:51:16,114 --> 00:51:18,116
<i>[audience laughing, applauding]</i>

1144
00:51:20,035 --> 00:51:21,578
<i>[cheering and groaning]</i>

1145
00:51:21,661 --> 00:51:23,538
<i>[audience member] Oh shit.</i>

1146
00:51:24,164 --> 00:51:26,041
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1147
00:51:27,042 --> 00:51:29,878
<i>But I ain't gonna lie, y'all.</i>
<i>As a gay parent, it do make you think,</i>

1148
00:51:29,961 --> 00:51:32,923
<i>"How the fuck did my baby get gay?"</i>
<i>You know?</i>

1149
00:51:33,006 --> 00:51:35,008
<i>Did I eat too much hot sauce?</i>

1150
00:51:35,092 --> 00:51:37,094
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1151
00:51:42,557 --> 00:51:44,518
<i>Did I fall down some stairs?</i>

1152
00:51:44,601 --> 00:51:45,685
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1153
00:51:45,769 --> 00:51:47,562
<i>Did she lick me on the way out?</i>

1154
00:51:47,646 --> 00:51:49,815
<i>[laughter and scattered applause]</i>

1155
00:51:54,486 --> 00:51:56,822
<i>That was a strong one.</i>
<i>I'll give you a second.</i>

1156
00:51:56,905 --> 00:51:58,657
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1157
00:51:59,699 --> 00:52:01,201
<i>I'm just wondering. [chuckles]</i>

1158
00:52:01,785 --> 00:52:03,453
<i>But I can tell you this, y'all.</i>

1159
00:52:03,537 --> 00:52:06,748
<i>I can talk about my gay child</i>
<i>all the fuck I want to,</i>

1160
00:52:06,832 --> 00:52:10,502
<i>but can't nobody else talk about</i>
<i>my fucking gay baby. That's my gay baby.</i>

1161
00:52:10,585 --> 00:52:12,379
<i>Thank you. Thank you, gay people.</i>

1162
00:52:12,462 --> 00:52:14,464
<i>[audience cheering, applauding]</i>

1163
00:52:16,424 --> 00:52:18,760
<i>And I ain't even gonna lie</i>
<i>'cause I'm an honest motherfucker.</i>

1164
00:52:18,844 --> 00:52:21,179
<i>When she first came out, y'all,</i>
<i>I was embarrassed.</i>

1165
00:52:21,263 --> 00:52:22,931
<i>My girlfriend came over,</i>

1166
00:52:23,014 --> 00:52:25,934
<i>"Oh my God, Pat, your daughter is gay?</i>
<i>I know you're embarrassed."</i>

1167
00:52:26,017 --> 00:52:29,479
<i>"I'd be embarrassed. I know how you feel.</i>
<i>You're embarrassed as shit."</i>

1168
00:52:29,563 --> 00:52:31,648
<i>I'm like, "Bitch, your daughter is a ho."</i>

1169
00:52:31,731 --> 00:52:34,276
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1170
00:52:34,359 --> 00:52:36,570
<i>"At least my daughter knows</i>
<i>where her dick's at."</i>

1171
00:52:36,653 --> 00:52:39,197
<i>"On the top shelf, on the left-hand side."</i>

1172
00:52:39,281 --> 00:52:41,283
<i>[audience laughing, applauding]</i>

1173
00:52:44,828 --> 00:52:48,790
<i>If you don't take shit away from this show</i>
<i>tonight, I hope you take one thing.</i>

1174
00:52:48,874 --> 00:52:51,793
<i>Learn how to take the darkest shit</i>
<i>in your life</i>

1175
00:52:51,877 --> 00:52:54,004
<i>and turn that shit into laughter.</i>

1176
00:52:54,087 --> 00:52:57,340
<i>'Cause when you can laugh at it,</i>
<i>that means you got control of it.</i>

1177
00:52:57,424 --> 00:53:00,427
<i>I don't give a fuck if somebody</i>
<i>stuck their thumb up your ass</i>

1178
00:53:00,510 --> 00:53:01,636
<i>when you were little.</i>

1179
00:53:01,720 --> 00:53:04,389
<i>If he didn't get past the knuckle,</i>
<i>nigga, you won.</i>

1180
00:53:04,472 --> 00:53:05,390
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1181
00:53:05,473 --> 00:53:07,976
<i>Atlanta, thank you so much.</i>
<i>I've been Ms. Pat.</i>

1182
00:53:08,059 --> 00:53:09,102
<i>Thank you.</i>

1183
00:53:09,186 --> 00:53:11,354
<i>[audience cheering, applauding]</i>

1184
00:53:11,938 --> 00:53:14,566
<i>["Bad Girl" playing]</i>

1185
00:53:53,647 --> 00:53:55,398
<i>Oy vey. And up.</i>

1186
00:53:55,482 --> 00:53:57,609
<i>Use your knees, Page. Come on, push it.</i>