WEBVTT FILE

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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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<i>[man 1] Ms. Pat, you've been a mom</i>
<i>since you were 14 years old,</i>

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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<i>literally since your first period.</i>

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<i>[Ms. Pat] Fuck you, Dion.</i>

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<i>Chris, why does Dion</i>
<i>look better than you today?</i>

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<i>Dion, you look like a Black Ken on crack.</i>

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<i>[all laughing]</i>

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<i>[man 2] You're about to shoot</i>
<i>your first special.</i>

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<i>How do you make people laugh</i>
<i>through all you've been through?</i>

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<i>I don't dwell on shit</i>
<i>I don't have control over.</i>

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<i>-[objects clatter]</i>
<i>-[girl screams]</i>

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<i>But I do have control</i>
<i>over this ass-whooping</i>

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<i>I'm about to give these kids right now!</i>

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<i>Let's take a break.</i>

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<i>[audience cheers and applauds]</i>

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<i>[announcer] </i>Atlanta, show your love
for your hometown hero.

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<i>Make some noise</i>
<i>for the one and only, Ms. Pat!</i>

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<i>["Bad Girl" by Siryuz playing]</i>

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<i>All right, goddamn it.</i>

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<i>[cheering]</i>

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<i>Yeah!</i>

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<i>All right.</i>

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<i>[chuckles] All right, shut the fuck up.</i>

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<i>You letting a bitch know she done made it.</i>

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<i>[audience laughing]</i>

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<i>So glad to be here. So glad to be here.</i>

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<i>Atlanta, finally fucking home.</i>

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<i>Home of the only place</i>
<i>you can get a PPP loan</i>

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<i>and ain't got no fucking business.</i>

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<i>[audience laughing]</i>

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<i>All you niggas going to jail.</i>

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<i>[audience laughing]</i>

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<i>I'm on the phone the other day,</i>
<i>talking to my girlfriend, y'all,</i>

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<i>complaining about these damn kids,</i>
<i>these crack babies I'm raising. I'm…</i>

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<i>Yeah, I'm raising</i>
<i>my fucking niece's crack babies.</i>

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<i>I'm on the phone complaining,</i>

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<i>"These motherfuckers</i>
<i>getting on my goddamned nerves."</i>

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<i>My friend was like, "Why you always</i>
<i>calling them kids 'crack babies'?"</i>

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<i>"Were they really born on crack?"</i>

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<i>I'm like, "Bitch, I don't know."</i>

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<i>[audience laughing]</i>

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<i>But I do know</i>
<i>the baby was born on cocaine.</i>

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<i>She was like, "Cocaine? Oh my God.</i>
<i>How did you get her off cocaine?"</i>

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<i>I'm like, "Bitch, I stopped</i>
<i>giving her cocaine."</i>

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<i>[audience laughing]</i>

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<i>I'm a fucking convicted felon.</i>

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<i>She act like I can go to the hood</i>
<i>and get the baby a bump or some shit.</i>

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<i>[audience laughing]</i>

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<i>I get pulled over by the police,</i>

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<i>now I gotta explain to the officer,</i>
<i>"Officer, this is not my cocaine."</i>

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<i>"It's for the baby back at the house."</i>

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<i>[audience laughing]</i>

54
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<i>The fucking mama ran off</i>
<i>with the breast milk.</i>

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<i>And this is my third set of crack babies</i>
<i>I've raised, y'all.</i>

56
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<i>And I told God, "This is it."</i>

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<i>I'm 49 years old with a fucking</i>
<i>seven-year-old at my house</i>

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<i>that's talking me to fucking death.</i>

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<i>Let me tell y'all something.</i>
<i>My periods still come on, I'm ovulating,</i>

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<i>and I'm going through menopause.</i>

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<i>These kids done fucked up my equilibrium.</i>

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<i>[audience laughing]</i>

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<i>My niece is on the fucking phone</i>
<i>the other day,</i>

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<i>running her fucking mouth,</i>
<i>lying her ass off, talking about,</i>

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<i>"Everybody know I love my kids."</i>

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<i>I'm like, "Yeah, bitch,</i>
<i>everybody but your kids."</i>

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<i>[audience laughing]</i>

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<i>"Bitch, let me end this conversation."</i>

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<i>[audience laughing]</i>

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<i>Talking about,</i>
<i>"Everybody knows I'd die for my kids."</i>

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<i>I'm like, "Don't do that, bitch.</i>
<i>You ain't got no life insurance."</i>

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<i>[audience laughing]</i>

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<i>Fuck around and die, now I gotta bury you,</i>

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<i>take care of your kids, and buy cocaine.</i>

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<i>[audience laughing]</i>

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<i>Fuck is wrong with you?</i>
<i>How much money you think I got, crackhead?</i>

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<i>These some bougie-ass</i>
<i>crack babies too, y'all.</i>

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<i>They do shit</i>
<i>I would've never done as a kid.</i>

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<i>They walk in the room the other day,</i>
<i>don't even knock on the door.</i>

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<i>And if you're raised by a Black parent,</i>
<i>you better knock on that fucking door.</i>

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<i>You better knock, peek around that corner,</i>

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<i>and make sure you don't see where</i>
<i>your mama hiding 'em good snacks at.</i>

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<i>My mama didn't have no front teeth,</i>
<i>and she's used to love them Moonpies.</i>

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<i>[audience laughing]</i>

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<i>[chuckles] But she didn't give us none.</i>

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<i>She made us eat them fucking gingersnaps.</i>

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<i>[audience laughing]</i>

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<i>You know, them hard-ass cookies</i>

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<i>you gotta soak like beans</i>
<i>before you eat 'em?</i>

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<i>[audience laughing]</i>

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<i>[scattered applause]</i>

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<i>Not these fucking crack babies.</i>

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<i>They walk directly up</i>
<i>in my fucking room, y'all.</i>

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<i>And the little boy is always leading.</i>

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<i>And I don't trust them first two,</i>

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<i>'cause they remember</i>
<i>being at the crack house with their mama.</i>

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<i>So, I always keep me a small pocketknife</i>
<i>in case I gotta joog one of them niggas.</i>

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<i>[audience laughing]</i>

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<i>Fuck y'all. I'm a hood-bitch.</i>
<i>I stay ready.</i>

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<i>-[audience laughing]</i>
<i>-[chuckles]</i>

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<i>The little boy</i>
<i>walk up in a room, "Auntie."</i>

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<i>I'm like, "What do you want, Raymon?"</i>

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<i>He's like, "We would like to know</i>
<i>if we're gonna eat dinner tonight."</i>

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<i>I'm like, "Y'all some bougie-ass</i>
<i>crack babies."</i>

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<i>"Using words like 'dinner'</i>
<i>and 'tonight' together."</i>

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<i>[audience laughing]</i>

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<i>Nigga, I would've never</i>
<i>walked in my mama's room</i>

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<i>and said no shit like that.</i>

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<i>I would have walked in my mama's room</i>
<i>like this. "Mama."</i>

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<i>-[audience member] Right.</i>
<i>-"We gonna eat today?"</i>

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<i>[audience laughing]</i>

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<i>"'Cause it's almost tomorrow."</i>

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<i>[audience laughing]</i>

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<i>[chuckles]</i>

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<i>My mama would be like,</i>
<i>"Get your Black ass downstairs</i>

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<i>and go eat you a water sandwich."</i>

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<i>[audience laughing]</i>

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<i>Y'all niggas ain't never had</i>
<i>no water sandwich?</i>

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<i>Know how you bite that Sunbeam bread</i>
<i>and chase that shit with a glass of water?</i>

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<i>And all that shit gets stuck</i>
<i>in the top of your mouth.</i>

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<i>And you got a butter knife in your mouth,</i>
<i>looks like you're sucking dick.</i>

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<i>[audience laughing]</i>

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<i>Don't play with me. How quickly we forget.</i>

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<i>[audience laughing]</i>

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<i>Because I remember waking up one day,</i>
<i>I'm hungrier than a motherfucker,</i>

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<i>and that damn water sandwich wore off,</i>

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<i>and I'm sitting there</i>
<i>watching my favorite cartoons,</i> The Smurfs.

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<i>-Y'all remember </i>The Smurfs?
<i>-[audience] Yeah.</i>

129
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<i>Oh my God, I used to love Smurfette</i>
<i>'cause I knew she was a ho.</i>

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<i>[audience laughing]</i>

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<i>You know ain't nobody</i>
<i>got that many damn brothers.</i>

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<i>[audience laughing]</i>

133
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<i>And I'm watching that shit</i>
<i>on our floor model TV</i>

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<i>with another TV on top for sound.</i>

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<i>[audience laughing]</i>

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<i>[scattered applause]</i>

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<i>[chuckles]</i>

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<i>And I'm sitting there</i>
<i>and the fucking water sandwich wore off</i>

139
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<i>and the shit goes to a commercial.</i>

140
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<i>I'll never forget,</i>
<i>it was a Burger King commercial.</i>

141
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<i>Remember when they show them toasted buns</i>

142
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<i>and all that water falling off</i>
<i>that lettuce, tomatoes, and onion,</i>

143
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<i>and all that fucking heat</i>
<i>coming off that beef patty?</i>

144
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<i>And I'm sitting there,</i>
<i>my stomach growling,</i>

145
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<i>then my fucking mind playing tricks on me.</i>

146
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<i>My mind said, "Bitch, go get that burger."</i>

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<i>[audience laughing]</i>

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<i>I jumped up off that couch</i>
<i>and ran across that fucking shaggy carpet,</i>

149
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<i>and I grabbed that floor model TV,</i>
<i>and I licked the shit out of that TV.</i>

150
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<i>[audience laughing]</i>

151
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<i>And it shocked the fuck out of me.</i>

152
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<i>[audience laughing]</i>

153
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<i>I'm like, "I guess you can't</i>
<i>have it your way until you pay."</i>

154
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<i>[audience laughing]</i>

155
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<i>And I gotta tell you, this is the only</i>
<i>set of crack babies I've raised</i>

156
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<i>that I raised</i>
<i>in an all-white neighborhood too.</i>

157
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<i>One thing I realize</i>
<i>about raising this set of kids</i>

158
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<i>in an all white neighborhood,</i>

159
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<i>I realized that white schools</i>
<i>do not celebrate Black History Month</i>

160
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<i>the same way Black schools do.</i>

161
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<i>Mm-mm. White schools</i>
<i>celebrate Black History Month</i>

162
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<i>according to how many Black kids</i>
<i>is at the school.</i>

163
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<i>[audience laughing]</i>

164
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<i>So if it's four niggas, it's four days.</i>

165
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<i>[audience laughing]</i>

166
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<i>Let's just say,</i>
<i>at my kid's fucking school,</i>

167
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<i>Spirit Week lasts longer</i>
<i>than Black History Month.</i>

168
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<i>[audience laughing]</i>

169
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<i>And the few white people I see here,</i>

170
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<i>I don't know if you know how important</i>
<i>Black History Month is to us,</i>

171
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<i>but we used to go all out.</i>

172
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<i>-Didn't we, Black people?</i>
<i>-[audience] Yes.</i>

173
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<i>You had to dress up as a Black hero</i>

174
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<i>and be that fucking Black hero</i>
<i>for 30 fucking days.</i>

175
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<i>[audience laughing]</i>

176
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<i>I know you're thinking,</i>
<i>"Ms. Pat, it's only 28 days."</i>

177
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<i>Fuck you. We took them two days back.</i>

178
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<i>[audience laughing, applauding]</i>

179
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<i>So let me give you an example.</i>

180
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<i>If your child chose to be Harriet Tubman,</i>

181
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<i>your child had to be</i>
<i>Harriet fucking Tubman.</i>

182
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<i>Your child had to be smart,</i>
<i>be able to lead,</i>

183
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<i>be good at hide-and-seek…</i>

184
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<i>[audience laughing]</i>

185
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<i>…and be able to pistol-whip a nigga.</i>

186
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<i>[audience laughing]</i>

187
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<i>And have a strong-ass face.</i>

188
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<i>[audience laughing]</i>

189
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<i>Niggas, don't play with me.</i>

190
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<i>[audience laughing]</i>

191
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<i>You know Harriet wasn't fucking cute.</i>

192
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<i>[audience laughing]</i>

193
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<i>You know good and damn well</i>
<i>Harriet looked like her uncle.</i>

194
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<i>[audience laughing]</i>

195
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<i>Now, don't get me wrong.</i>

196
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<i>I'm not saying I don't appreciate Harriet,</i>
<i>'cause I do.</i>

197
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<i>Without Harriet,</i>

198
00:07:59.562 --> 00:08:02.231
<i>I'd be sucking some white dude's dick</i>
<i>against my will.</i>

199
00:08:02.315 --> 00:08:04.066
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

200
00:08:06.986 --> 00:08:09.906
<i>Y'all act like y'all would fuck Harriet.</i>
<i>Ain't a nigga here that would.</i>

201
00:08:09.989 --> 00:08:12.408
<i>Would you fuck Harriet?</i>
<i>You're a girl. I'm sorry.</i>

202
00:08:12.492 --> 00:08:14.494
<i>[audience laughing, applauding]</i>

203
00:08:17.788 --> 00:08:21.375
<i>You probably would fuck Harriet,</i>
<i>but… [laughs]</i>

204
00:08:23.794 --> 00:08:26.339
<i>I'm sorry. I didn't see you.</i>
<i>My glasses ain't on.</i>

205
00:08:26.422 --> 00:08:29.509
<i>You'd probably eat the shit out of her,</i>
<i>but I'm sorry.</i>

206
00:08:29.592 --> 00:08:31.344
<i>-[laughs]</i>
<i>-[audience laughing, applauding]</i>

207
00:08:33.596 --> 00:08:36.015
<i>Ah, anything to be free.</i>
<i>Ain't that right, bitch?</i>

208
00:08:36.098 --> 00:08:38.100
<i>-[laughs]</i>
<i>-[audience laughing]</i>

209
00:08:39.310 --> 00:08:41.479
<i>Eat your way</i>
<i>straight out of Master's house.</i>

210
00:08:41.562 --> 00:08:42.730
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

211
00:08:42.813 --> 00:08:44.565
<i>[laughs]</i>

212
00:08:45.858 --> 00:08:47.443
<i>[cheering]</i>

213
00:08:47.527 --> 00:08:48.569
<i>[chuckles]</i>

214
00:08:48.653 --> 00:08:50.780
<i>[audience cheering, applauding]</i>

215
00:08:51.364 --> 00:08:54.075
<i>My nephew's teacher called me.</i>
<i>She was like, "Ms. Pat…"</i>

216
00:08:54.158 --> 00:08:58.829
<i>"I wanted to let you know that Raymon</i>
<i>made an A on his Black Hero essay."</i>

217
00:08:59.372 --> 00:09:02.208
<i>I'm like, "I don't give a fuck.</i>
<i>What you telling me for?"</i>

218
00:09:02.833 --> 00:09:04.835
<i>She was like, "You should get him</i>
<i>to read it to you."</i>

219
00:09:04.919 --> 00:09:06.045
<i>I'm like, "Okay."</i>

220
00:09:06.128 --> 00:09:09.382
<i>My nephew comes home, gets off the bus.</i>
<i>No lie, he walked in the house.</i>

221
00:09:09.465 --> 00:09:11.926
<i>I was like, "Yo, Raymon."</i>

222
00:09:12.009 --> 00:09:15.054
<i>"Your teacher said you made an A</i>
<i>on your Black Hero essay."</i>

223
00:09:15.137 --> 00:09:18.391
<i>"Nigga, take it out so you can</i>
<i>read the shit to the whole family."</i>

224
00:09:18.474 --> 00:09:19.600
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

225
00:09:19.684 --> 00:09:22.103
<i>I'm a Black mama.</i>
<i>That's how I talk to my family.</i>

226
00:09:22.728 --> 00:09:29.193
<i>He takes the shit out, no lie, he started,</i>
<i>he said, "My Black Hero is my Auntie Pat."</i>

227
00:09:29.277 --> 00:09:30.444
<i>[audience] Oh.</i>

228
00:09:30.528 --> 00:09:33.990
<i>I know, right? I look over at my husband.</i>
<i>"Nigga, you didn't make it."</i>

229
00:09:34.073 --> 00:09:35.992
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

230
00:09:39.704 --> 00:09:42.498
<i>His next line was,</i>
<i>"She used to sell crack cocaine."</i>

231
00:09:42.582 --> 00:09:44.584
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

232
00:09:46.460 --> 00:09:49.005
<i>Like, "Hold on, bitch, it was just crack."</i>

233
00:09:49.088 --> 00:09:52.008
<i>"The cocaine was for your little sister</i>
<i>back at the house."</i>

234
00:09:52.091 --> 00:09:53.092
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

235
00:09:53.175 --> 00:09:57.722
<i>'Cause I grew up here in Atlanta, Georgia,</i>
<i>during the '80s, the Ronald Reagan era.</i>

236
00:09:57.805 --> 00:10:00.349
<i>Oh, my God. Y'all remember that shit?</i>

237
00:10:00.433 --> 00:10:03.019
<i>Reaganomics, nigga.</i>
<i>We were so motherfucking poor. No lie.</i>

238
00:10:03.102 --> 00:10:04.312
<i>I had a dog named Pup-pup.</i>

239
00:10:04.395 --> 00:10:05.563
<i>When Reagan got re-elected,</i>

240
00:10:05.646 --> 00:10:08.399
<i>the nigga jumped out the back porch</i>
<i>and committed suicide.</i>

241
00:10:08.482 --> 00:10:09.358
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

242
00:10:09.442 --> 00:10:10.693
<i>Don't look at me like that.</i>

243
00:10:10.776 --> 00:10:13.195
<i>I didn't kill the nigga,</i>
<i>he killed his damn self.</i>

244
00:10:13.279 --> 00:10:14.947
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

245
00:10:15.031 --> 00:10:16.907
<i>That's why I don't understand</i>
<i>all this new shit.</i>

246
00:10:16.991 --> 00:10:19.952
<i>People going around,</i>
<i>putting their pets down and shit.</i>

247
00:10:20.036 --> 00:10:21.746
<i>New shit. Putting your dogs down.</i>

248
00:10:21.829 --> 00:10:26.584
<i>My friend called me, like, "Girl,</i>
<i>I had to put my dog Coco Chanel down."</i>

249
00:10:26.667 --> 00:10:27.710
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

250
00:10:27.793 --> 00:10:30.421
<i>I'm like, "For what, bitch?"</i>
<i>"She had breast cancer."</i>

251
00:10:30.504 --> 00:10:34.884
<i>I'm like, "How you gonna kill a dog</i>
<i>who still got seven good titties to go?"</i>

252
00:10:34.967 --> 00:10:37.928
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

253
00:10:38.012 --> 00:10:41.307
<i>Ain't nobody trying to kill you</i>
<i>when one of your fucking titties go out.</i>

254
00:10:41.390 --> 00:10:42.767
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

255
00:10:42.850 --> 00:10:44.060
<i>I don't understand that shit.</i>

256
00:10:44.143 --> 00:10:46.979
<i>I'm like, "How do you know that dog</i>
<i>didn't want to walk for a cure?"</i>

257
00:10:47.063 --> 00:10:48.856
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

258
00:10:48.939 --> 00:10:52.109
<i>Bitch, that dog wants a t-shirt that says,</i>
<i>"I beat cancer," too.</i>

259
00:10:52.193 --> 00:10:53.277
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

260
00:10:53.361 --> 00:10:56.322
<i>That dog want to hear "Heart of an Angel"</i>
<i>his damn self.</i>

261
00:10:56.405 --> 00:10:57.573
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

262
00:10:58.199 --> 00:10:59.825
<i>Look at all you pet lovers.</i>

263
00:10:59.909 --> 00:11:02.036
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

264
00:11:02.119 --> 00:11:04.705
<i>"How dare you, Ms. Pat?"</i>
<i>Fuck you, you crazy.</i>

265
00:11:04.789 --> 00:11:05.998
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

266
00:11:06.082 --> 00:11:10.544
<i>And it's not cheap to put your pet down.</i>
<i>It costs you $799.</i>

267
00:11:10.628 --> 00:11:14.632
<i>I'll be damned if I'm gonna pay you</i>
<i>799 to put my fucking dog down.</i>

268
00:11:14.715 --> 00:11:17.385
<i>Nigga, not when I got a barbecue grill</i>
<i>in my backyard.</i>

269
00:11:17.468 --> 00:11:19.595
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

270
00:11:19.679 --> 00:11:21.514
<i>Fuck you. Heat is heat, bitch.</i>

271
00:11:21.597 --> 00:11:22.556
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

272
00:11:22.640 --> 00:11:24.183
<i>No matter who apply it.</i>

273
00:11:25.017 --> 00:11:26.227
<i>Oh, are you judging me</i>

274
00:11:26.310 --> 00:11:29.980
<i>'cause I'm not gonna put the ashes</i>
<i>in a cupcake box with a picture on top?</i>

275
00:11:30.481 --> 00:11:31.357
<i>Oh, fuck you.</i>

276
00:11:31.440 --> 00:11:32.441
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

277
00:11:32.525 --> 00:11:34.652
<i>I can't stand you fucking animal lovers.</i>

278
00:11:34.735 --> 00:11:36.612
<i>I fly every fucking week, y'all.</i>

279
00:11:36.696 --> 00:11:38.948
<i>And I'm so tired of getting on Delta,</i>

280
00:11:39.031 --> 00:11:42.743
<i>seeing everybody with these fake-ass</i>
<i>emotional support animals.</i>

281
00:11:43.452 --> 00:11:45.454
<i>[scattered applause]</i>

282
00:11:47.081 --> 00:11:50.459
<i>It can't be that many people out there</i>
<i>that need a fucking friend.</i>

283
00:11:50.543 --> 00:11:52.670
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

284
00:11:52.753 --> 00:11:56.424
<i>Did y'all see the lady who tried</i>
<i>to get on the plane with the short horse?</i>

285
00:11:56.507 --> 00:11:58.676
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

286
00:11:58.759 --> 00:12:02.430
<i>I'm like, "Who the fuck out here</i>
<i>writing prescriptions for short horses?"</i>

287
00:12:02.513 --> 00:12:04.515
<i>"And what's the co-pay on this nigga?"</i>

288
00:12:04.598 --> 00:12:06.350
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

289
00:12:07.476 --> 00:12:09.311
<i>That's just their way of flying shit free.</i>

290
00:12:09.395 --> 00:12:11.522
<i>I'mma do the same thing</i>
<i>with my four crack babies.</i>

291
00:12:11.605 --> 00:12:15.359
<i>I'mma show up at Delta with my four</i>
<i>crack babies with them same vests on.</i>

292
00:12:15.443 --> 00:12:17.528
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

293
00:12:19.780 --> 00:12:22.950
<i>And I'mma tell 'em,</i>
<i>"These are my emotional support niggas."</i>

294
00:12:23.033 --> 00:12:24.910
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

295
00:12:24.994 --> 00:12:26.996
<i>"Don't fuck with 'em 'cause they bite."</i>

296
00:12:27.079 --> 00:12:28.456
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

297
00:12:30.291 --> 00:12:33.169
<i>Can't stand you fucking animal lovers.</i>
<i>Y'all went too far.</i>

298
00:12:33.252 --> 00:12:36.338
<i>Let me just say that just because</i>
<i>you like a football team</i>

299
00:12:36.422 --> 00:12:39.508
<i>don't mean your fucking dog</i>
<i>likes the same goddamn team.</i>

300
00:12:39.592 --> 00:12:42.803
<i>I'm serious. I saw my neighbor</i>
<i>the other day walking her dog.</i>

301
00:12:42.887 --> 00:12:46.015
<i>The fucking dog had on a tutu,</i>
<i>looked like she's selling pussy.</i>

302
00:12:46.098 --> 00:12:47.057
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

303
00:12:47.892 --> 00:12:51.562
<i>And let me just say that dogs ain't</i>
<i>supposed to have on Levis jeans, okay?</i>

304
00:12:52.438 --> 00:12:54.315
<i>Dogs are supposed to lick their own dick.</i>

305
00:12:54.398 --> 00:12:56.984
<i>They can't lick their dicks</i>
<i>if you got it zipped up.</i>

306
00:12:57.067 --> 00:12:58.486
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

307
00:13:01.363 --> 00:13:03.991
<i>I love this bit 'cause</i>
<i>all the animal lovers just pull back.</i>

308
00:13:04.074 --> 00:13:05.785
<i>I'm talking about your stupid ass.</i>

309
00:13:05.868 --> 00:13:07.244
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

310
00:13:07.328 --> 00:13:09.413
<i>Running around with hair bows</i>
<i>in your dog's hair</i>

311
00:13:09.497 --> 00:13:11.373
<i>because your fucking womb don't work.</i>

312
00:13:11.457 --> 00:13:13.292
<i>[surprised reactions]</i>

313
00:13:15.503 --> 00:13:17.463
<i>Oh, did I strike a nerve?</i>

314
00:13:17.546 --> 00:13:19.590
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

315
00:13:21.050 --> 00:13:21.967
<i>I'm serious.</i>

316
00:13:22.051 --> 00:13:24.553
<i>I live in Plainfield, Indiana, y'all.</i>

317
00:13:24.637 --> 00:13:26.639
<i>And no lie, my white neighbor asked me.</i>

318
00:13:26.722 --> 00:13:29.058
<i>She's like, "Pat,</i>
<i>come to my baby's birthday party."</i>

319
00:13:29.141 --> 00:13:32.603
<i>I'm like, "Okay." I ain't never been</i>
<i>to a white baby's birthday party.</i>

320
00:13:33.354 --> 00:13:37.608
<i>I go up to the dollar store, and I buy</i>
<i>her white daughter a Black Barbie doll.</i>

321
00:13:39.193 --> 00:13:40.945
<i>Fuck you, I buy what looks like me.</i>

322
00:13:41.028 --> 00:13:42.363
<i>[audience applauding]</i>

323
00:13:43.113 --> 00:13:46.492
<i>And I figured they could use</i>
<i>some diversity in their lives.</i>

324
00:13:46.575 --> 00:13:48.285
<i>I get back to the house, y'all.</i>

325
00:13:48.369 --> 00:13:52.456
<i>No lie, I walk in, this bitch</i>
<i>got six dogs sitting at the table.</i>

326
00:13:52.957 --> 00:13:55.084
<i>I'm looking at the dogs,</i>
<i>the dogs looking at me, like,</i>

327
00:13:55.167 --> 00:13:57.044
<i>"Can you tell this bitch we're dogs?"</i>

328
00:13:57.127 --> 00:13:59.129
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

329
00:13:59.839 --> 00:14:02.341
<i>Then she went on to say,</i>
<i>"Blow the candles out, Buster."</i>

330
00:14:02.424 --> 00:14:03.634
<i>"Blow the candles out."</i>

331
00:14:03.717 --> 00:14:06.345
<i>I'm like, "Bitch, if that dog</i>
<i>blows them candles out…</i>

332
00:14:06.428 --> 00:14:07.513
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

333
00:14:07.596 --> 00:14:09.557
<i>…we all gonna bite your stupid ass."</i>

334
00:14:09.640 --> 00:14:10.683
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

335
00:14:10.766 --> 00:14:14.436
<i>I miss the good old days, you know,</i>
<i>when you could tie a dog up to a tree.</i>

336
00:14:14.520 --> 00:14:15.729
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

337
00:14:15.813 --> 00:14:18.649
<i>You can't do that shit no more, nigga.</i>
<i>You'll go to jail.</i>

338
00:14:19.400 --> 00:14:22.611
<i>You got a better chance</i>
<i>of tying your ugly-ass kid up to a tree.</i>

339
00:14:22.695 --> 00:14:24.655
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

340
00:14:24.738 --> 00:14:28.200
<i>I grew up here in the city of Atlanta,</i>
<i>and when I was a little girl,</i>

341
00:14:28.284 --> 00:14:29.785
<i>we used to move a lot.</i>

342
00:14:30.619 --> 00:14:32.288
<i>Well, we got evicted a lot.</i>

343
00:14:32.371 --> 00:14:33.956
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

344
00:14:34.039 --> 00:14:36.625
<i>My mama made sure</i>
<i>that when we got evicted,</i>

345
00:14:36.709 --> 00:14:40.671
<i>we got evicted in the same neighborhood</i>
<i>so we wouldn't have to switch schools.</i>

346
00:14:40.754 --> 00:14:42.047
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

347
00:14:42.131 --> 00:14:44.174
<i>The bad part about being evicted was</i>

348
00:14:44.258 --> 00:14:47.344
<i>my mama would always make us go knock</i>
<i>on our old door and ask dumb shit,</i>

349
00:14:47.428 --> 00:14:49.138
<i>like, "Did we get any mail today?"</i>

350
00:14:49.221 --> 00:14:51.974
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

351
00:14:52.057 --> 00:14:56.770
<i>"Knock, knock. Mama said we get any mail?</i>
<i>Knock, knock. Mama said we get any mail?"</i>

352
00:14:56.854 --> 00:15:00.149
<i>"She would like to know if she could</i>
<i>borrow a pack of chicken and two tampons."</i>

353
00:15:00.232 --> 00:15:02.693
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

354
00:15:02.776 --> 00:15:05.487
<i>And my mama was very particular</i>
<i>about the houses she rented, y'all.</i>

355
00:15:05.571 --> 00:15:08.407
<i>She used to love to rent a house</i>
<i>with a chimney.</i>

356
00:15:08.490 --> 00:15:11.201
<i>I thought the reason why</i>
<i>she wanted the house with the chimney</i>

357
00:15:11.285 --> 00:15:14.288
<i>is because she wanted Santa Claus</i>
<i>to come see her Black kids.</i>

358
00:15:15.080 --> 00:15:17.708
<i>But that's not what it was.</i>
<i>The reason she wanted a chimney</i>

359
00:15:17.791 --> 00:15:20.753
<i>is 'cause we were poor as fuck,</i>
<i>we couldn't afford light and gas,</i>

360
00:15:20.836 --> 00:15:22.922
<i>so she would keep the fucking lights off</i>

361
00:15:23.005 --> 00:15:25.549
<i>and we would have to cook</i>
<i>in the fucking fireplace.</i>

362
00:15:25.633 --> 00:15:28.385
<i>Nigga, you'd come to our house</i>
<i>in the summertime, it's 100 degrees.</i>

363
00:15:28.469 --> 00:15:31.013
<i>We got a Cracker Barrel fireplace going.</i>

364
00:15:31.096 --> 00:15:32.348
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

365
00:15:32.431 --> 00:15:33.891
<i>With a whole rack in there,</i>

366
00:15:33.974 --> 00:15:35.768
<i>frying chicken on pine wood,</i>

367
00:15:35.851 --> 00:15:37.811
<i>the walls sweating, we're sweating.</i>

368
00:15:37.895 --> 00:15:40.814
<i>We're in our underwear,</i>
<i>look like we just got off a fucking boat.</i>

369
00:15:40.898 --> 00:15:42.191
<i>-[audience laughing]</i>
<i>-[chuckles]</i>

370
00:15:42.274 --> 00:15:44.485
<i>My mama got the only fucking fan</i>
<i>in her face,</i>

371
00:15:44.568 --> 00:15:46.403
<i>watching </i>The Young and the Restless.

372
00:15:46.487 --> 00:15:47.571
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

373
00:15:47.655 --> 00:15:49.740
<i>Pine wood and grease back there</i>
<i>popping on us.</i>

374
00:15:49.823 --> 00:15:51.492
<i>We're back there, "Mama, it's hot!"</i>

375
00:15:51.575 --> 00:15:54.745
<i>She'd be like, "Take it like a man."</i>
<i>I'm like, "Bitch, I am a girl."</i>

376
00:15:54.828 --> 00:15:56.288
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

377
00:15:56.372 --> 00:15:59.124
<i>Couple days later, I get to school,</i>
<i>and my principal comes up to me.</i>

378
00:15:59.208 --> 00:16:01.669
<i>A big, old, tall man</i>
<i>with thick-ass glasses.</i>

379
00:16:01.752 --> 00:16:04.505
<i>Looked like if he couldn't read,</i>
<i>he could've made it to the NBA.</i>

380
00:16:04.588 --> 00:16:06.090
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

381
00:16:06.173 --> 00:16:07.007
<i>[Ms. Pat chuckles]</i>

382
00:16:07.091 --> 00:16:10.803
<i>He come up to me, and he was like,</i>
<i>"Young lady, I need to speak to you."</i>

383
00:16:10.886 --> 00:16:13.472
<i>So I walk in the office,</i>
<i>and, no lie, the police are there,</i>

384
00:16:13.555 --> 00:16:16.475
<i>the counselor's there,</i>
<i>my teacher's there, and he's there.</i>

385
00:16:16.558 --> 00:16:19.687
<i>All standing there looking at me.</i>
<i>I'm like, "What the fuck's going on?"</i>

386
00:16:19.770 --> 00:16:22.106
<i>'Cause I've been cussing</i>
<i>my whole damn life.</i>

387
00:16:22.189 --> 00:16:23.232
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

388
00:16:23.315 --> 00:16:24.441
<i>And he looked at me.</i>

389
00:16:24.525 --> 00:16:28.529
<i>He said, "We notice you got bruises</i>
<i>and blisters and burns all on you."</i>

390
00:16:28.612 --> 00:16:31.824
<i>"We want to know what's going on</i>
<i>at the house. Are you a cutter?"</i>

391
00:16:31.907 --> 00:16:33.200
<i>I'm like, "Nigga, no."</i>

392
00:16:33.993 --> 00:16:36.245
<i>"I was frying chicken in the chimney."</i>

393
00:16:36.328 --> 00:16:37.871
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

394
00:16:37.955 --> 00:16:38.914
<i>[chuckles]</i>

395
00:16:39.623 --> 00:16:42.626
<i>He looked at me and said,</i>
<i>"Get your Black ass back to class."</i>

396
00:16:42.710 --> 00:16:43.627
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

397
00:16:43.711 --> 00:16:45.504
<i>"I thought you was being abused."</i>

398
00:16:45.587 --> 00:16:46.547
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

399
00:16:46.630 --> 00:16:48.590
<i>I'm like, "Bitch, I am being abused."</i>

400
00:16:49.174 --> 00:16:52.845
<i>I shouldn't be frying no fucking chicken</i>
<i>in no chimney in no fourth grade.</i>

401
00:16:52.928 --> 00:16:54.430
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

402
00:16:56.724 --> 00:16:58.892
<i>Couple days later,</i>
<i>I'm sitting in the cafeteria,</i>

403
00:16:58.976 --> 00:17:00.477
<i>my friend's complaining about her mama.</i>

404
00:17:00.561 --> 00:17:03.564
<i>She's like, "My mama ain't shit."</i>
<i>I'm like, "My mama ain't shit either."</i>

405
00:17:03.647 --> 00:17:04.732
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

406
00:17:04.815 --> 00:17:07.693
<i>My friend said, "I hear</i>
<i>there's a better place we can go to."</i>

407
00:17:07.776 --> 00:17:09.194
<i>I'm like, "A better place?"</i>

408
00:17:09.278 --> 00:17:10.988
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

409
00:17:11.071 --> 00:17:13.073
<i>"Where the fuck this 'better place' at?"</i>

410
00:17:13.615 --> 00:17:16.702
<i>She was like, "It's called juvenile.</i>
<i>We just gotta get there."</i>

411
00:17:16.785 --> 00:17:18.662
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

412
00:17:24.293 --> 00:17:26.211
<i>I'm like, "Well, how do we get there?"</i>

413
00:17:26.712 --> 00:17:29.465
<i>She said, "What you gotta do</i>
<i>is you gotta run away,</i>

414
00:17:29.548 --> 00:17:31.842
<i>go to a convenience store</i>
<i>and steal something,</i>

415
00:17:31.925 --> 00:17:35.137
<i>and then they're gonna send</i>
<i>this white car with red lights on top</i>

416
00:17:35.220 --> 00:17:36.388
<i>to give you a ride."</i>

417
00:17:37.139 --> 00:17:40.142
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

418
00:17:40.225 --> 00:17:41.477
<i>The police.</i>

419
00:17:41.560 --> 00:17:42.811
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

420
00:17:42.895 --> 00:17:46.148
<i>Y'all, I get locked up for running away</i>
<i>and stealing at the convenience store.</i>

421
00:17:46.231 --> 00:17:49.526
<i>And no lie, I spent five days in juvenile.</i>

422
00:17:49.610 --> 00:17:51.820
<i>But during that time, I learned a lot.</i>

423
00:17:51.904 --> 00:17:55.657
<i>My first day there, y'all, they ring</i>
<i>this bell, like, "Ding-a-ling-a-ling."</i>

424
00:17:55.741 --> 00:17:56.992
<i>"It's chow time."</i>

425
00:17:57.076 --> 00:17:59.953
<i>And no lie, y'all, my c…</i>
<i>the lady walked me in this room,</i>

426
00:18:00.037 --> 00:18:03.165
<i>and all these plates</i>
<i>were already prepared with food and shit,</i>

427
00:18:03.248 --> 00:18:05.584
<i>and I'm walking with her</i>
<i>and I started looking at the plates.</i>

428
00:18:05.667 --> 00:18:07.920
<i>And I noticed stuff</i>
<i>I had never seen before.</i>

429
00:18:08.003 --> 00:18:11.173
<i>And I'm like, "Ma'am,</i>
<i>what type of meat is that?"</i>

430
00:18:11.256 --> 00:18:14.301
<i>She was like, "Chicken."</i>
<i>I'm like, "What type of chicken is that?"</i>

431
00:18:14.384 --> 00:18:16.095
<i>She was like, "Legs and thighs."</i>

432
00:18:16.178 --> 00:18:18.430
<i>And I had never had a leg and thigh,</i>
<i>so I asked.</i>

433
00:18:18.514 --> 00:18:20.724
<i>I'm like, "Y'all ain't got</i>
<i>no ass and backs?"</i>

434
00:18:20.808 --> 00:18:24.436
<i>[laughter and scattered applause]</i>

435
00:18:28.857 --> 00:18:31.819
<i>'Cause, baby, that's all my mama</i>
<i>ever cooked, ass and backs.</i>

436
00:18:31.902 --> 00:18:33.153
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

437
00:18:33.237 --> 00:18:37.324
<i>My mama didn't take us to McDonalds.</i>
<i>She made us a six-pack McAss.</i>

438
00:18:37.407 --> 00:18:39.284
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

439
00:18:39.368 --> 00:18:40.285
<i>[chuckles]</i>

440
00:18:40.369 --> 00:18:43.163
<i>Think about it,</i>
<i>some of y'all eat your ass unfried.</i>

441
00:18:43.247 --> 00:18:45.165
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

442
00:18:50.629 --> 00:18:53.632
<i>He grew up poor as fuck.</i>
<i>You see how he's laughing?</i>

443
00:18:53.715 --> 00:18:56.051
<i>Nigga having flashbacks like,</i>
<i>"Damn, Ms. Pat."</i>

444
00:18:56.135 --> 00:18:57.261
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

445
00:18:57.344 --> 00:19:00.681
<i>He's going to check his bank statement</i>
<i>to make sure he's all right.</i>

446
00:19:00.764 --> 00:19:03.058
<i>[laughs]</i>

447
00:19:03.142 --> 00:19:05.269
<i>Thank you, brother, for feeling this shit.</i>

448
00:19:05.352 --> 00:19:06.770
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

449
00:19:06.854 --> 00:19:10.649
<i>The next thing I noticed on the plate,</i>
<i>it was this rolls-looking thing.</i>

450
00:19:10.732 --> 00:19:13.819
<i>And I pick it up, and I'm like,</i>
<i>"Ma'am, what is this?"</i>

451
00:19:13.902 --> 00:19:15.404
<i>She was like, "It's wheat bread."</i>

452
00:19:15.487 --> 00:19:18.198
<i>And y'all, I had never</i>
<i>fucking had wheat bread.</i>

453
00:19:18.282 --> 00:19:19.741
<i>I had never seen wheat bread.</i>

454
00:19:19.825 --> 00:19:22.744
<i>So I pick it up.</i>
<i>I'm like, "Y'all got nigga bread?"</i>

455
00:19:22.828 --> 00:19:24.830
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

456
00:19:27.374 --> 00:19:30.836
<i>Don't be scared to laugh, white woman.</i>
<i>Everybody eats nigga bread now.</i>

457
00:19:31.420 --> 00:19:32.796
<i>The shit is good for you.</i>

458
00:19:33.422 --> 00:19:36.508
<i>You can open your pantry tonight</i>
<i>and say, "I got nigga bread."</i>

459
00:19:36.592 --> 00:19:37.926
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

460
00:19:38.010 --> 00:19:39.845
<i>And so do I, goddamn it.</i>

461
00:19:39.928 --> 00:19:41.013
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

462
00:19:41.096 --> 00:19:44.516
<i>I didn't really know how fucked up my life</i>
<i>was as a kid, y'all. No lie.</i>

463
00:19:44.600 --> 00:19:47.102
<i>Y'all gotta cut this out,</i>
<i>I gotta get these things out my ass.</i>

464
00:19:47.186 --> 00:19:50.814
<i>-[laughs]</i>
<i>-[audience laughing, applauding]</i>

465
00:19:50.898 --> 00:19:54.401
<i>Nigga, I feel like I got a dildo</i>
<i>between my legs.</i>

466
00:19:54.484 --> 00:19:56.987
<i>-[laughs]</i>
<i>-[audience laughing, applauding]</i>

467
00:19:57.070 --> 00:19:58.155
<i>I'm trying.</i>

468
00:19:58.238 --> 00:19:59.448
<i>And the Blacks are like,</i>

469
00:19:59.531 --> 00:20:02.367
<i>"Look at your pants, Ms. Pat.</i>
<i>You got a fat pussy." No, I don't.</i>

470
00:20:02.451 --> 00:20:04.578
<i>-[laughs]</i>
<i>-[audience laughing]</i>

471
00:20:04.661 --> 00:20:06.413
<i>[audience applauding]</i>

472
00:20:08.415 --> 00:20:10.417
<i>Don't worry, they'll cut that shit out.</i>

473
00:20:10.500 --> 00:20:11.919
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

474
00:20:12.002 --> 00:20:13.587
<i>It's TV, goddamn it.</i>

475
00:20:13.670 --> 00:20:16.173
<i>[laughs]</i>

476
00:20:16.256 --> 00:20:18.508
<i>Like, "What the fuck</i>
<i>is crawling up my leg?"</i>

477
00:20:18.592 --> 00:20:20.594
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

478
00:20:21.261 --> 00:20:24.723
<i>[scattered applause]</i>

479
00:20:24.806 --> 00:20:26.892
<i>[chuckles]</i>

480
00:20:28.727 --> 00:20:30.979
<i>I didn't really know</i>
<i>how fucked up my life was</i>

481
00:20:31.063 --> 00:20:33.690
<i>until I'm on the phone one day</i>
<i>talking to my girlfriend.</i>

482
00:20:33.774 --> 00:20:35.400
<i>We're talking about getting baptized.</i>

483
00:20:35.484 --> 00:20:38.487
<i>I'm like, "Yeah, girl,</i>
<i>I've been baptized 25 times."</i>

484
00:20:38.570 --> 00:20:40.155
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

485
00:20:40.239 --> 00:20:43.408
<i>She was like, "25 times?</i>
<i>Who the fuck baptized you 25 times?"</i>

486
00:20:43.492 --> 00:20:45.744
<i>I'm like, "How many times</i>
<i>you been baptized?"</i>

487
00:20:45.827 --> 00:20:47.996
<i>She was like,</i>
<i>"Once, in the name of Jesus."</i>

488
00:20:48.622 --> 00:20:52.167
<i>I'm like, "Well, damn. My mama must have</i>
<i>baptized me in her boyfriends' names."</i>

489
00:20:52.251 --> 00:20:54.253
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

490
00:20:55.671 --> 00:20:59.716
<i>Come to find out, y'all, back in the day</i>
<i>when I grew up in Atlanta,</i>

491
00:20:59.800 --> 00:21:01.468
<i>if you were having financial problems,</i>

492
00:21:01.551 --> 00:21:04.054
<i>all you had to do</i>
<i>was go to your local churches</i>

493
00:21:04.137 --> 00:21:06.431
<i>and join the church</i>
<i>and get the kids baptized,</i>

494
00:21:06.515 --> 00:21:09.518
<i>and they would write you a check</i>
<i>for your financial problems.</i>

495
00:21:09.601 --> 00:21:13.105
<i>Yeah, but my mama turned that shit</i>
<i>into a scheme.</i>

496
00:21:13.188 --> 00:21:14.564
<i>-[audience laughing]</i>
<i>-[chuckles]</i>

497
00:21:14.648 --> 00:21:18.068
<i>Nigga, she started getting us baptized</i>
<i>two, three times on a Sunday.</i>

498
00:21:18.151 --> 00:21:18.986
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

499
00:21:19.069 --> 00:21:21.989
<i>I remember showing up one time</i>
<i>already fucking wet.</i>

500
00:21:22.072 --> 00:21:24.074
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

501
00:21:29.079 --> 00:21:30.622
<i>The pastor was like, "Why are they wet?"</i>

502
00:21:30.706 --> 00:21:33.750
<i>She was like, "Mind your fucking business,</i>
<i>we got an appointment to get to."</i>

503
00:21:33.834 --> 00:21:35.210
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

504
00:21:35.961 --> 00:21:39.047
<i>But finally, the Black churches realized</i>
<i>my mama was running a scheme,</i>

505
00:21:39.131 --> 00:21:40.966
<i>so she had to go to white churches.</i>

506
00:21:41.049 --> 00:21:42.718
<i>And let me tell you all this.</i>

507
00:21:42.801 --> 00:21:47.014
<i>When my mama discovered white churches</i>
<i>and white people and white guilt,</i>

508
00:21:47.097 --> 00:21:49.891
<i>she used the fuck out of your ancestors.</i>

509
00:21:49.975 --> 00:21:51.643
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

510
00:21:51.727 --> 00:21:54.271
<i>My mama would pull up out there</i>
<i>with her '64 Chevy,</i>

511
00:21:54.354 --> 00:21:56.690
<i>with all of our five Black asses</i>
<i>on the backseat.</i>

512
00:21:56.773 --> 00:21:58.275
<i>She'd turn around, like, "Look here."</i>

513
00:21:58.358 --> 00:22:01.028
<i>"We're going in this church</i>
<i>and get these crackers' money."</i>

514
00:22:01.111 --> 00:22:02.571
<i>"Put your slave face on."</i>

515
00:22:02.654 --> 00:22:05.073
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

516
00:22:09.911 --> 00:22:10.996
<i>[laughs]</i>

517
00:22:11.079 --> 00:22:12.956
<i>We'd go in that bitch and rack up.</i>

518
00:22:13.040 --> 00:22:15.167
<i>And my mama knew</i>
<i>as soon as they write her that check,</i>

519
00:22:15.250 --> 00:22:17.586
<i>she was going straight</i>
<i>to the fucking weed man.</i>

520
00:22:18.337 --> 00:22:21.590
<i>But I liked getting baptized</i>
<i>at the white churches, y'all.</i>

521
00:22:21.673 --> 00:22:23.258
<i>'Cause they treat you better.</i>

522
00:22:23.342 --> 00:22:27.512
<i>After you get baptized, they would always</i>
<i>take everybody downstairs to the pantry.</i>

523
00:22:27.596 --> 00:22:31.058
<i>But at the white churches, they would give</i>
<i>all five kids their own box</i>

524
00:22:31.141 --> 00:22:32.309
<i>and let 'em shop.</i>

525
00:22:32.392 --> 00:22:34.644
<i>Nigga, my mama used to be like,</i>
<i>"Fuck 'em up."</i>

526
00:22:34.728 --> 00:22:38.065
<i>-[audience laughing]</i>
<i>-[laughs]</i>

527
00:22:40.650 --> 00:22:42.944
<i>The whole time we got our slave face on.</i>

528
00:22:43.028 --> 00:22:45.072
<i>-[laughs]</i>
<i>-[audience laughing]</i>

529
00:22:46.114 --> 00:22:49.326
<i>You didn't get that fucking treatment</i>
<i>at no Black church, nigga.</i>

530
00:22:49.409 --> 00:22:51.995
<i>You got one box per family.</i>

531
00:22:52.079 --> 00:22:56.124
<i>And it was always that ugly bitch</i>
<i>with that synthetic wig on her head</i>

532
00:22:56.208 --> 00:22:58.960
<i>standing at the pantry door,</i>
<i>looking at you up and down.</i>

533
00:22:59.044 --> 00:23:03.006
<i>Like, "You ain't gonna say thank you,</i>
<i>nigga? I'll take that fucking sugar back."</i>

534
00:23:03.090 --> 00:23:04.508
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

535
00:23:06.468 --> 00:23:09.179
<i>And my mama was</i>
<i>part-time handicapped too, y'all.</i>

536
00:23:10.097 --> 00:23:12.099
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

537
00:23:13.600 --> 00:23:15.477
<i>Yeah, she was part-time handicapped.</i>

538
00:23:15.977 --> 00:23:17.270
<i>Her neck was fucked up.</i>

539
00:23:17.854 --> 00:23:19.815
<i>No lie, her neck would just</i>
<i>fall over like this.</i>

540
00:23:19.898 --> 00:23:22.109
<i>She'd be like,</i>
<i>"Bitch, pick my neck back up."</i>

541
00:23:22.192 --> 00:23:25.529
<i>So we would have to be there</i>
<i>to pick her neck back up at all times.</i>

542
00:23:25.612 --> 00:23:27.823
<i>I don't know what was wrong</i>
<i>with my mama's neck,</i>

543
00:23:27.906 --> 00:23:29.908
<i>but when I met her,</i>
<i>her neck was doing that.</i>

544
00:23:29.991 --> 00:23:31.410
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

545
00:23:31.493 --> 00:23:32.411
<i>[chuckles]</i>

546
00:23:33.412 --> 00:23:35.497
<i>And I hated my mama's neck, y'all.</i>

547
00:23:35.580 --> 00:23:37.916
<i>'Cause as kids,</i>
<i>we couldn't go outside and play</i>

548
00:23:37.999 --> 00:23:40.877
<i>'cause we was always</i>
<i>on fucking neck-catching duty.</i>

549
00:23:40.961 --> 00:23:43.255
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

550
00:23:44.089 --> 00:23:46.091
<i>I remember riding in the car</i>
<i>with my mama one day.</i>

551
00:23:46.174 --> 00:23:48.885
<i>We were on the way</i>
<i>to cash a social security check.</i>

552
00:23:48.969 --> 00:23:52.347
<i>My mama would keep my sister</i>
<i>in the back seat and me in the front seat</i>

553
00:23:52.431 --> 00:23:54.933
<i>so she would have 360</i>
<i>neck-catching position.</i>

554
00:23:55.016 --> 00:23:56.852
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

555
00:24:00.730 --> 00:24:03.525
<i>So we're riding in the car on the way</i>
<i>to cash her social security check,</i>

556
00:24:03.608 --> 00:24:05.444
<i>and she come up to a railroad track.</i>

557
00:24:05.527 --> 00:24:09.531
<i>And she's like, "Fuck, this fucking train</i>
<i>gonna make me miss the goddamn bank."</i>

558
00:24:09.614 --> 00:24:11.450
<i>And she's like, "I'mma beat this train."</i>

559
00:24:11.533 --> 00:24:13.743
<i>I looked at my sister, like,</i>
<i>"No, she ain't."</i>

560
00:24:13.827 --> 00:24:14.786
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

561
00:24:14.870 --> 00:24:17.205
<i>No lie, y'all,</i>
<i>my mama took that '64 Chevy,</i>

562
00:24:17.289 --> 00:24:19.958
<i>and she hit that fucking gas</i>
<i>and hit that first track.</i>

563
00:24:20.041 --> 00:24:21.751
<i>Nigga, her neck fell back…</i>

564
00:24:21.835 --> 00:24:24.087
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

565
00:24:24.171 --> 00:24:27.090
<i>She was like, "Bitch, pick my neck up,</i>
<i>the train's coming!"</i>

566
00:24:27.174 --> 00:24:29.551
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

567
00:24:34.055 --> 00:24:36.266
<i>My sister slapped the shit</i>
<i>out of that neck.</i>

568
00:24:36.349 --> 00:24:38.768
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

569
00:24:38.852 --> 00:24:41.813
<i>But she hit it too hard</i>
<i>and it went into the steering wheel.</i>

570
00:24:41.897 --> 00:24:43.064
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

571
00:24:43.148 --> 00:24:46.485
<i>I lifted my mama's head back up.</i>
<i>I didn't position it right, it fell back.</i>

572
00:24:46.568 --> 00:24:48.153
<i>My sister hit that bitch again.</i>

573
00:24:48.236 --> 00:24:49.446
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

574
00:24:49.529 --> 00:24:51.781
<i>Hold on, bitch, this is not baseball.</i>

575
00:24:51.865 --> 00:24:54.034
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

576
00:24:54.117 --> 00:24:57.329
<i>So, finally, I held my mama's head up</i>
<i>and we went across the tracks.</i>

577
00:24:57.412 --> 00:25:00.290
<i>My mama pulled over. She's like,</i>
<i>"Why you bitches hit me so hard?"</i>

578
00:25:00.373 --> 00:25:01.708
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

579
00:25:01.791 --> 00:25:03.335
<i>Bitch, the train was coming.</i>

580
00:25:03.418 --> 00:25:04.586
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

581
00:25:04.669 --> 00:25:06.922
<i>Let your weak-necked ass get us killed.</i>

582
00:25:07.005 --> 00:25:09.007
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

583
00:25:15.055 --> 00:25:16.890
<i>You wanna hear something crazy?</i>

584
00:25:16.973 --> 00:25:19.226
<i>My fucking sister's neck do the same shit.</i>

585
00:25:19.309 --> 00:25:21.394
<i>[audience laughing, applauding]</i>

586
00:25:21.978 --> 00:25:25.232
<i>I'm not making this shit up.</i>
<i>It's called "wry neck." I'm ser--</i>

587
00:25:25.774 --> 00:25:27.859
<i>W-R-Y, you can google it on the internet.</i>

588
00:25:27.943 --> 00:25:30.695
<i>The only other thing to have this shit</i>
<i>is chickens.</i>

589
00:25:30.779 --> 00:25:33.073
<i>-[audience laughing]</i>
<i>-[laughs]</i>

590
00:25:34.074 --> 00:25:37.827
<i>I don't know if we got it from frying</i>
<i>that fucking chicken in the fireplace.</i>

591
00:25:37.911 --> 00:25:39.204
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

592
00:25:39.287 --> 00:25:43.124
<i>But my sister's neck do the same shit,</i>
<i>but her neck just lay on her shoulder.</i>

593
00:25:43.208 --> 00:25:45.835
<i>When she lifts that bitch up,</i>
<i>it takes off like a water sprinkler.</i>

594
00:25:45.919 --> 00:25:47.837
<i>"Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick."</i>

595
00:25:48.838 --> 00:25:51.383
<i>I'm riding in the car with her one day,</i>
<i>me and my daughter,</i>

596
00:25:51.466 --> 00:25:53.802
<i>and my sister's running her mouth</i>
<i>and lifted that head up,</i>

597
00:25:53.885 --> 00:25:56.429
<i>and it took off across her shoulder</i>
<i>while she's driving.</i>

598
00:25:56.513 --> 00:25:58.181
<i>My daughter's screaming, "Aah!"</i>

599
00:25:58.265 --> 00:25:59.391
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

600
00:25:59.474 --> 00:26:02.227
<i>"Calm down, bitch,</i>
<i>she's using her peripheral vision."</i>

601
00:26:02.310 --> 00:26:03.812
<i>"It's gonna come back around."</i>

602
00:26:03.895 --> 00:26:06.147
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

603
00:26:06.231 --> 00:26:07.482
<i>[chuckles]</i>

604
00:26:09.317 --> 00:26:11.570
<i>I can't make this shit up. [chuckles]</i>

605
00:26:11.653 --> 00:26:14.698
<i>I remember when I was little, I heard</i>
<i>my mama talking to my aunt on the phone.</i>

606
00:26:14.781 --> 00:26:17.742
<i>She had that long-ass phone cord,</i>
<i>and she'll go into the room,</i>

607
00:26:17.826 --> 00:26:22.664
<i>and she closed the door, and she's like,</i>
<i>"Girl, I suck good dick."</i>

608
00:26:22.747 --> 00:26:25.166
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

609
00:26:25.250 --> 00:26:27.752
<i>I'm standing outside the door,</i>
<i>like, "She's lying."</i>

610
00:26:27.836 --> 00:26:29.796
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

611
00:26:31.214 --> 00:26:34.050
<i>"Mama, stop lying. You go down,</i>
<i>who's gonna help you up?"</i>

612
00:26:34.134 --> 00:26:36.136
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

613
00:26:40.348 --> 00:26:42.976
<i>Dick gonna be stuck in your mouth</i>
<i>like a thermometer.</i>

614
00:26:43.059 --> 00:26:44.394
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

615
00:26:46.563 --> 00:26:48.440
<i>[chuckles]</i>

616
00:26:50.650 --> 00:26:51.776
<i>[laughs]</i>

617
00:26:52.527 --> 00:26:55.697
<i>I grew up in a bootleg house</i>
<i>the earlier part of my life, y'all.</i>

618
00:26:55.780 --> 00:26:56.740
<i>With my granddaddy.</i>

619
00:26:56.823 --> 00:26:59.326
<i>He sold moonshine and single cigarettes.</i>

620
00:26:59.826 --> 00:27:01.661
<i>That's individual, for white people.</i>

621
00:27:01.745 --> 00:27:02.746
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

622
00:27:02.829 --> 00:27:06.333
<i>And in this house,</i>
<i>we saw everything as kids.</i>

623
00:27:06.416 --> 00:27:10.629
<i>I mean, from gambling, to prostitution,</i>
<i>to niggas getting shot.</i>

624
00:27:10.712 --> 00:27:13.632
<i>Nothing was off-limits to us as kids.</i>

625
00:27:13.715 --> 00:27:16.051
<i>Two things I remember the most.</i>

626
00:27:16.134 --> 00:27:19.262
<i>One, my mama used to love to shoot craps.</i>

627
00:27:19.346 --> 00:27:22.557
<i>But before she could start craps,</i>
<i>she would take her fake leg off</i>

628
00:27:22.641 --> 00:27:25.977
<i>'cause she said a short leg</i>
<i>hanging like a soft dick was good luck.</i>

629
00:27:26.061 --> 00:27:27.437
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

630
00:27:27.520 --> 00:27:29.939
<i>Plus, if she threw the dice too far,</i>
<i>she'd use her foot</i>

631
00:27:30.023 --> 00:27:31.483
<i>to pull them bitches back in.</i>

632
00:27:31.566 --> 00:27:34.194
<i>[audience laughing, applauding]</i>

633
00:27:35.570 --> 00:27:38.948
<i>The other thing I remember,</i>
<i>I had an uncle named Uncle Cecil.</i>

634
00:27:39.032 --> 00:27:41.618
<i>And my Uncle Cecil</i>
<i>used to sit by the bootleg house door</i>

635
00:27:41.701 --> 00:27:43.662
<i>and say the same thing to everybody.</i>

636
00:27:43.745 --> 00:27:47.749
<i>"Hey, girl. Give me two nickels.</i>
<i>Two nickels make a dime."</i>

637
00:27:47.832 --> 00:27:49.084
<i>But he didn't like dimes.</i>

638
00:27:49.167 --> 00:27:51.836
<i>If you gave him dimes,</i>
<i>he'd choke the fuck out of you.</i>

639
00:27:51.920 --> 00:27:52.796
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

640
00:27:52.879 --> 00:27:55.131
<i>Let me explain something</i>
<i>about my Uncle Cecil.</i>

641
00:27:55.215 --> 00:27:57.467
<i>My Uncle Cecil suffered from seizures,</i>

642
00:27:57.550 --> 00:28:00.261
<i>he was crippled, and he was also retarded.</i>

643
00:28:00.804 --> 00:28:04.474
<i>Now, calm the fuck down and let me</i>
<i>tell you why I use the word "retarded."</i>

644
00:28:05.100 --> 00:28:08.728
<i>He was born in 1932.</i>
<i>There was no special needs back then.</i>

645
00:28:08.812 --> 00:28:10.522
<i>He was fucking retarded, okay?</i>

646
00:28:10.605 --> 00:28:12.982
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

647
00:28:13.066 --> 00:28:16.528
<i>So, Atlanta, I'm gonna need you</i>
<i>to open your mind with me on this one.</i>

648
00:28:16.611 --> 00:28:17.946
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

649
00:28:18.029 --> 00:28:20.782
<i>My uncle would have</i>
<i>two or three seizures a week, y'all.</i>

650
00:28:20.865 --> 00:28:23.910
<i>My granddaddy got tired of that shit,</i>
<i>so he came up with this good idea.</i>

651
00:28:23.993 --> 00:28:27.038
<i>He thought if he bought my uncle pussy</i>
<i>every Saturday,</i>

652
00:28:27.122 --> 00:28:31.710
<i>it would calm down the amount of seizures</i>
<i>that he would have during the week.</i>

653
00:28:32.544 --> 00:28:35.046
<i>Come on, y'all, don't cock block</i>
<i>on my Uncle Cecil.</i>

654
00:28:35.130 --> 00:28:37.173
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

655
00:28:37.257 --> 00:28:38.758
<i>He needs love too.</i>

656
00:28:38.842 --> 00:28:40.427
<i>-[audience laughing]</i>
<i>-[woman] Yes!</i>

657
00:28:40.510 --> 00:28:43.638
<i>So every Saturday, no lie,</i>
<i>it was me and my sister's chores.</i>

658
00:28:43.722 --> 00:28:45.724
<i>We had to go in there</i>
<i>and help him get started.</i>

659
00:28:45.807 --> 00:28:46.683
<i>[audience groans]</i>

660
00:28:46.766 --> 00:28:49.644
<i>Shut the fuck up.</i>
<i>This is my story, and I'm gonna tell it.</i>

661
00:28:49.728 --> 00:28:51.688
<i>[audience laughing, applauding]</i>

662
00:28:53.398 --> 00:28:54.607
<i>We would walk in the room,</i>

663
00:28:54.691 --> 00:28:56.651
<i>and the prostitute</i>
<i>would already be in the bed</i>

664
00:28:56.735 --> 00:28:59.195
<i>with a whole Jackson Five afro</i>
<i>on her vagina.</i>

665
00:28:59.279 --> 00:29:01.281
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

666
00:29:02.615 --> 00:29:04.826
<i>Open your mind</i>
<i>and you can see it. [chuckles]</i>

667
00:29:04.909 --> 00:29:06.494
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

668
00:29:06.578 --> 00:29:09.748
<i>"How you doing today, Miss Betty?</i>
<i>We're about to get him ready for you."</i>

669
00:29:09.831 --> 00:29:11.624
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

670
00:29:18.131 --> 00:29:21.384
<i>My uncle would be over there in the corner</i>
<i>smiling like a motherfucker.</i>

671
00:29:21.468 --> 00:29:22.427
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

672
00:29:22.510 --> 00:29:25.638
<i>We'd walk up to him,</i>
<i>he always had on two belts,</i>

673
00:29:25.722 --> 00:29:29.476
<i>'cause at any time this nigga would have</i>
<i>$50 worth of nickels in his pocket.</i>

674
00:29:29.559 --> 00:29:31.561
<i>-[audience laughing]</i>
<i>-[chuckles]</i>

675
00:29:34.939 --> 00:29:36.733
<i>We would take them pants off, y'all,</i>

676
00:29:36.816 --> 00:29:40.403
<i>and no lie, they would hit the floor,</i>
<i>sound like you working on a chain gang.</i>

677
00:29:40.487 --> 00:29:42.197
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

678
00:29:42.280 --> 00:29:43.823
<i>And no lie…</i>

679
00:29:43.907 --> 00:29:45.867
<i>No lie, my uncle's dick would pop out.</i>

680
00:29:45.950 --> 00:29:49.329
<i>He had the biggest uncircumcised dick</i>
<i>I ever seen in my life.</i>

681
00:29:49.412 --> 00:29:51.414
<i>-[audience laughing]</i>
<i>-[chuckles]</i>

682
00:29:54.584 --> 00:29:56.503
<i>That he could not control.</i>

683
00:29:56.586 --> 00:29:57.670
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

684
00:29:57.754 --> 00:30:01.674
<i>And a lot of times, that extra skin would</i>
<i>hit me and my sister upside the head.</i>

685
00:30:01.758 --> 00:30:03.760
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

686
00:30:05.053 --> 00:30:07.931
<i>We'd be like, "Hold on, Uncle Cecil.</i>
<i>Your tip dry, nigga."</i>

687
00:30:08.014 --> 00:30:09.974
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

688
00:30:14.479 --> 00:30:17.482
<i>So we would walk him over to the bed</i>
<i>because he was crippled, right?</i>

689
00:30:17.565 --> 00:30:21.277
<i>And by him being crippled, to me,</i>
<i>he looked like he walked like a kangaroo.</i>

690
00:30:21.361 --> 00:30:23.363
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

691
00:30:25.615 --> 00:30:28.368
<i>This story</i>
<i>is not gonna send you to hell, baby.</i>

692
00:30:28.451 --> 00:30:30.453
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

693
00:30:31.329 --> 00:30:34.207
<i>And we'd throw him in the bed</i>
<i>on top of the prostitute,</i>

694
00:30:34.290 --> 00:30:37.252
<i>because he can't get on his knees</i>
<i>like regular people can.</i>

695
00:30:37.335 --> 00:30:40.088
<i>'Cause if he do, he gonna look</i>
<i>like </i>Free Willy<i> from the back.</i>

696
00:30:40.171 --> 00:30:42.173
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

697
00:30:48.263 --> 00:30:50.390
<i>Me and my sister</i>
<i>would get on each end of the bed</i>

698
00:30:50.473 --> 00:30:51.975
<i>while he laid on top of the prostitute.</i>

699
00:30:52.058 --> 00:30:55.228
<i>We would grab him by his ankles</i>
<i>and yank his legs apart.</i>

700
00:30:55.311 --> 00:30:58.356
<i>And no lie, the dick would</i>
<i>go straight up in the prostitute.</i>

701
00:30:58.439 --> 00:31:01.401
<i>But since he was retarded,</i>
<i>we had to motivate him, right?</i>

702
00:31:01.484 --> 00:31:05.029
<i>So we started screaming,</i>
<i>"Kangaroo that pussy, Uncle Cecil!"</i>

703
00:31:05.113 --> 00:31:07.073
<i>[audience laughing, applauding]</i>

704
00:31:20.712 --> 00:31:23.798
<i>He'd get about three, four pumps in,</i>
<i>we'd go tell Granddaddy,</i>

705
00:31:23.882 --> 00:31:26.301
<i>"Granddaddy, he's back there</i>
<i>kangarooing the pussy."</i>

706
00:31:26.885 --> 00:31:29.804
<i>"Can we get our 50 cents</i>
<i>so we can go play Pac-Man now?"</i>

707
00:31:29.888 --> 00:31:31.556
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

708
00:31:31.639 --> 00:31:32.640
<i>[chuckles]</i>

709
00:31:35.685 --> 00:31:37.395
<i>But I gotta keep it real to y'all.</i>

710
00:31:37.478 --> 00:31:39.939
<i>That shit did not help my uncle</i>
<i>with his seizures.</i>

711
00:31:40.023 --> 00:31:42.025
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

712
00:31:45.069 --> 00:31:48.615
<i>He still had two, three seizures a week,</i>
<i>and my granddaddy would get to screaming,</i>

713
00:31:48.698 --> 00:31:51.451
<i>"Goddammit, Cecil's</i>
<i>having another seizure."</i>

714
00:31:51.534 --> 00:31:54.120
<i>"Somebody go get a spoon</i>
<i>and stick it in his mouth."</i>

715
00:31:54.203 --> 00:31:56.664
<i>"But not my good spoon,</i>
<i>'cause he gonna chew it up."</i>

716
00:31:57.457 --> 00:31:59.792
<i>"And make sure you set</i>
<i>two cold Pepsis by his head,</i>

717
00:31:59.876 --> 00:32:02.629
<i>'cause when he gets through shaking,</i>
<i>he'll be thirsty as hell."</i>

718
00:32:03.546 --> 00:32:06.049
<i>And I remember sitting there as a kid</i>
<i>thinking to myself,</i>

719
00:32:06.132 --> 00:32:07.967
<i>"They are killing this fucking man."</i>

720
00:32:08.051 --> 00:32:11.429
<i>"He shouldn't have this much pussy</i>
<i>and Pepsi in his diet."</i>

721
00:32:11.512 --> 00:32:13.890
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

722
00:32:20.313 --> 00:32:23.066
<i>I don't know who the fuck</i>
<i>y'all think y'all came to see.</i>

723
00:32:23.149 --> 00:32:25.902
<i>[audience laughing, applauding]</i>

724
00:32:25.985 --> 00:32:28.488
<i>[cheering and applause]</i>

725
00:32:32.533 --> 00:32:35.161
<i>He passed away when I was 19 years old.</i>

726
00:32:35.244 --> 00:32:38.498
<i>I remember talking to my brother,</i>
<i>"How they gonna bury Uncle Cecil?"</i>

727
00:32:38.581 --> 00:32:40.416
<i>He was like, "I don't know."</i>
<i>I said, "Me either,</i>

728
00:32:40.500 --> 00:32:43.586
<i>'cause when he lay on his back,</i>
<i>his legs be in the air like a bridge."</i>

729
00:32:43.670 --> 00:32:45.672
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

730
00:32:47.674 --> 00:32:49.425
<i>[chuckles]</i>

731
00:32:50.301 --> 00:32:52.345
<i>My brother was like, "You so stupid."</i>

732
00:32:52.428 --> 00:32:55.306
<i>I said, "I know how." He's like, "How?"</i>
<i>I was like, "Duh."</i>

733
00:32:55.390 --> 00:32:58.017
<i>"They gonna cut a hole</i>
<i>on each side of the casket,</i>

734
00:32:58.101 --> 00:33:00.770
<i>stick his feet halfway in,</i>
<i>and let his legs down."</i>

735
00:33:02.355 --> 00:33:04.565
<i>My brother said,</i>
<i>"Bitch, you stupid as fuck."</i>

736
00:33:04.649 --> 00:33:06.609
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

737
00:33:07.443 --> 00:33:09.278
<i>"That is not what they're gonna do."</i>

738
00:33:09.362 --> 00:33:13.116
<i>I'm like, "What are they gonna do?"</i>
<i>He was like, "Duh. He was crippled."</i>

739
00:33:13.199 --> 00:33:16.661
<i>"They're gonna lay him on his side</i>
<i>and put him in an L-shaped casket."</i>

740
00:33:16.744 --> 00:33:17.996
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

741
00:33:22.667 --> 00:33:24.335
<i>But that's not what happened.</i>

742
00:33:24.919 --> 00:33:27.880
<i>What happened was they broke his legs</i>
<i>and laid him straight.</i>

743
00:33:27.964 --> 00:33:29.173
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

744
00:33:29.257 --> 00:33:32.135
<i>That's fucked up a nigga had to die</i>
<i>to walk straight.</i>

745
00:33:32.218 --> 00:33:34.220
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

746
00:33:36.764 --> 00:33:38.474
<i>I've been thinking</i>
<i>about my Uncle Cecil a lot</i>

747
00:33:38.558 --> 00:33:41.310
<i>'cause as a kid,</i>
<i>we helped him get laid a lot, y'all.</i>

748
00:33:41.394 --> 00:33:44.439
<i>I was thinking a couple weeks ago,</i>
<i>I was like, "Damn, you know what?"</i>

749
00:33:44.522 --> 00:33:46.816
<i>"All the pussy</i>
<i>we helped my Uncle Cecil get,</i>

750
00:33:46.899 --> 00:33:52.155
<i>not one time did my granddaddy</i>
<i>ever give us a condom to put on this man."</i>

751
00:33:52.864 --> 00:33:55.116
<i>He was just out here raw-doggin' bitches.</i>

752
00:33:55.199 --> 00:33:56.659
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

753
00:33:56.743 --> 00:33:59.328
<i>All them times he was smiling,</i>
<i>we thought he was happy.</i>

754
00:33:59.412 --> 00:34:02.665
<i>He was probably trying to say,</i>
<i>"Bitch, my dick's on fire!"</i>

755
00:34:02.749 --> 00:34:04.751
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

756
00:34:12.133 --> 00:34:13.551
<i>I can tell you something.</i>

757
00:34:13.634 --> 00:34:16.262
<i>I've raised four kids</i>
<i>and three sets of crack babies,</i>

758
00:34:16.345 --> 00:34:21.142
<i>and two things you cannot stop kids</i>
<i>from doing these days.</i>

759
00:34:21.225 --> 00:34:23.853
<i>It's smoking weed and being gay.</i>

760
00:34:23.936 --> 00:34:25.938
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

761
00:34:28.399 --> 00:34:30.234
<i>They love their fucking edibles.</i>

762
00:34:30.318 --> 00:34:31.819
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

763
00:34:31.903 --> 00:34:34.947
<i>I have a 21-year old son</i>
<i>who loves to get high, y'all.</i>

764
00:34:35.031 --> 00:34:37.408
<i>He's stupid as fuck</i>
<i>when he gets high, too.</i>

765
00:34:37.492 --> 00:34:39.285
<i>I came in the house</i>
<i>at 2:30 in the morning.</i>

766
00:34:39.368 --> 00:34:42.538
<i>This nigga is so high, I'm in the doorway,</i>
<i>he don't even see me.</i>

767
00:34:43.372 --> 00:34:46.542
<i>He's just standing there</i>
<i>with a Chef Boyardee apron and hat on.</i>

768
00:34:46.626 --> 00:34:48.336
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

769
00:34:48.419 --> 00:34:51.547
<i>I don't even know where the fuck</i>
<i>he gets this stupid shit from.</i>

770
00:34:51.631 --> 00:34:54.008
<i>And he's got a whole pan of grease</i>
<i>on the stove.</i>

771
00:34:54.092 --> 00:34:56.636
<i>Ain't but two damn buffalo wings</i>
<i>in the grease.</i>

772
00:34:56.719 --> 00:34:57.970
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

773
00:34:58.054 --> 00:35:01.015
<i>He's flipping the shit</i>
<i>like he's cooking for a whole family.</i>

774
00:35:01.099 --> 00:35:02.975
<i>-[audience laughing]</i>
<i>-[chuckles]</i>

775
00:35:04.227 --> 00:35:05.895
<i>And I don't say nothing to him</i>

776
00:35:05.978 --> 00:35:09.565
<i>until he started fucking</i>
<i>yanking my paper towels off the roll.</i>

777
00:35:10.066 --> 00:35:12.985
<i>And I'm like, "Hold on, nigga.</i>
<i>That is not Great Value."</i>

778
00:35:13.069 --> 00:35:15.071
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

779
00:35:18.658 --> 00:35:20.743
<i>"Bitch, that's the quicker picker-upper."</i>

780
00:35:20.827 --> 00:35:23.496
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

781
00:35:23.579 --> 00:35:26.332
<i>You know Brawny, the nigga</i>
<i>with the lumberjack shirt on?</i>

782
00:35:26.415 --> 00:35:27.875
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

783
00:35:27.959 --> 00:35:28.793
<i>[chuckles]</i>

784
00:35:28.876 --> 00:35:32.713
<i>'Cause to me, y'all, that shows you</i>
<i>how ungrateful my kids are.</i>

785
00:35:32.797 --> 00:35:35.883
<i>When I was coming up,</i>
<i>we didn't have no fucking paper towels.</i>

786
00:35:35.967 --> 00:35:39.804
<i>When my mama fried our chicken backs</i>
<i>and ass, she put that shit on newspaper.</i>

787
00:35:39.887 --> 00:35:41.889
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

788
00:35:44.142 --> 00:35:45.101
<i>[chuckles]</i>

789
00:35:47.103 --> 00:35:49.438
<i>You know how many times</i>
<i>I picked up my ass and backs</i>

790
00:35:49.522 --> 00:35:52.024
<i>and all the headlines</i>
<i>was on the back of that shit?</i>

791
00:35:52.108 --> 00:35:54.026
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

792
00:35:54.110 --> 00:35:57.238
<i>"Nine niggas killed in Chicago</i>
<i>last night." [chomps]</i>

793
00:35:57.321 --> 00:35:59.323
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

794
00:36:07.123 --> 00:36:09.167
<i>Shit like that make me want to vent.</i>

795
00:36:09.834 --> 00:36:11.460
<i>Other shit like that make me want to vent,</i>

796
00:36:11.544 --> 00:36:13.880
<i>and I gotta keep it real</i>
<i>'cause I love everybody.</i>

797
00:36:13.963 --> 00:36:16.382
<i>White women, I love you to death,</i>

798
00:36:16.465 --> 00:36:18.968
<i>but you gotta stop doing nigga shit.</i>

799
00:36:19.051 --> 00:36:20.553
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

800
00:36:20.636 --> 00:36:24.140
<i>Y'all gotta stop going out here</i>
<i>buying these nigga-lips, white women.</i>

801
00:36:24.223 --> 00:36:25.474
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

802
00:36:25.558 --> 00:36:27.476
<i>They're too big for your fucking face.</i>

803
00:36:27.560 --> 00:36:28.686
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

804
00:36:28.769 --> 00:36:31.355
<i>If you gonna buy these nigga-lips,</i>
<i>you need this African cheekbone.</i>

805
00:36:31.439 --> 00:36:33.858
<i>You're running around</i>
<i>with heavy-ass nigga-lips on your face.</i>

806
00:36:33.941 --> 00:36:36.819
<i>Now your eye socket's hanging down.</i>
<i>Bitch, you got dry eye.</i>

807
00:36:36.903 --> 00:36:39.280
<i>[audience laughing, applauding]</i>

808
00:36:39.363 --> 00:36:40.364
<i>[chuckles]</i>

809
00:36:40.448 --> 00:36:41.657
<i>Stop that shit!</i>

810
00:36:41.741 --> 00:36:44.952
<i>And they don't look good on your face.</i>
<i>They look like swollen pussies.</i>

811
00:36:45.036 --> 00:36:47.038
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

812
00:36:47.997 --> 00:36:50.499
<i>And I'm here to tell you,</i>
<i>white men don't like you</i>

813
00:36:50.583 --> 00:36:52.710
<i>sucking their dicks</i>
<i>with nigga lips either.</i>

814
00:36:53.252 --> 00:36:55.504
<i>White men like Thin Mints on their dicks.</i>

815
00:36:55.588 --> 00:36:57.924
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

816
00:36:58.007 --> 00:37:00.593
<i>They don't like the lips</i>
<i>to be bigger than the dick.</i>

817
00:37:00.676 --> 00:37:01.844
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

818
00:37:01.928 --> 00:37:03.846
<i>[scattered applause]</i>

819
00:37:09.101 --> 00:37:12.688
<i>Stick to the shit you know, white women.</i>
<i>Your shit is fake titties.</i>

820
00:37:12.772 --> 00:37:15.233
<i>You've been getting that shit</i>
<i>since middle school.</i>

821
00:37:15.316 --> 00:37:16.484
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

822
00:37:16.567 --> 00:37:19.862
<i>I'll tell you somebody who will fuck up</i>
<i>some fake titties is Black women.</i>

823
00:37:19.946 --> 00:37:22.865
<i>'Cause, nigga, whoever do our hair</i>
<i>is gonna do our titties.</i>

824
00:37:22.949 --> 00:37:24.283
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

825
00:37:24.367 --> 00:37:26.577
<i>Wigs and titties for $89.</i>

826
00:37:26.661 --> 00:37:28.287
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

827
00:37:31.499 --> 00:37:33.626
<i>But I'll tell you what I do love.</i>

828
00:37:33.709 --> 00:37:37.630
<i>I love when white people adopt Black kids.</i>

829
00:37:38.297 --> 00:37:41.634
<i>I think it's one</i>
<i>of the most beautiful things in the world</i>

830
00:37:41.717 --> 00:37:45.054
<i>to bring that type of diversity</i>
<i>into your household.</i>

831
00:37:45.137 --> 00:37:47.139
<i>But I gotta keep it real with you.</i>

832
00:37:47.223 --> 00:37:51.852
<i>White people, some Black people get mad</i>
<i>when they see you with them Black kids.</i>

833
00:37:51.936 --> 00:37:55.064
<i>And I tell 'em, "Shut the fuck up, bitch.</i>
<i>You ain't know that nigga."</i>

834
00:37:55.147 --> 00:37:57.275
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

835
00:37:57.358 --> 00:37:59.568
<i>You probably ain't got</i>
<i>your own fucking kids.</i>

836
00:37:59.652 --> 00:38:00.653
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

837
00:38:00.736 --> 00:38:03.281
<i>And I will admit, I do get a little upset</i>

838
00:38:03.364 --> 00:38:07.076
<i>when I see you white women at Target</i>
<i>with your new Black babies in the buggy,</i>

839
00:38:07.159 --> 00:38:10.913
<i>and the fucking baby's mouth is so ashy,</i>
<i>it looks like he just ate a cocaine cake.</i>

840
00:38:10.997 --> 00:38:12.873
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

841
00:38:14.583 --> 00:38:16.377
<i>But me being the Black mama I am,</i>

842
00:38:16.460 --> 00:38:18.796
<i>I know exactly what to do</i>
<i>with that Black baby.</i>

843
00:38:18.879 --> 00:38:20.089
<i>I just walk up to him…</i>

844
00:38:20.673 --> 00:38:21.507
<i>[grunts]</i>

845
00:38:21.590 --> 00:38:23.009
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

846
00:38:23.092 --> 00:38:24.844
<i>Knock the ash off that nigga.</i>

847
00:38:24.927 --> 00:38:26.387
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

848
00:38:27.430 --> 00:38:30.391
<i>But it made me think, right.</i>
<i>I'm like, you know what?</i>

849
00:38:30.474 --> 00:38:34.145
<i>White people always go on out here</i>
<i>and adopt Black kids.</i>

850
00:38:34.228 --> 00:38:37.231
<i>But let me ask you something,</i>
<i>the few white people that are here.</i>

851
00:38:37.315 --> 00:38:38.274
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

852
00:38:38.357 --> 00:38:40.651
<i>I ain't trying to pick on nobody,</i>
<i>but let me ask you.</i>

853
00:38:40.735 --> 00:38:43.404
<i>Have y'all noticed</i>
<i>that we don't fuck with y'all kids?</i>

854
00:38:43.487 --> 00:38:45.323
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

855
00:38:45.406 --> 00:38:48.492
<i>Not because we're racist</i>
<i>or no shit like that.</i>

856
00:38:49.035 --> 00:38:52.330
<i>We don't fuck with white kids</i>
<i>because it costs too much.</i>

857
00:38:53.205 --> 00:38:56.417
<i>We're not about to go out here</i>
<i>and adopt no white child.</i>

858
00:38:56.500 --> 00:38:59.378
<i>Now we gotta start</i>
<i>buying Lubriderm lotion.</i>

859
00:38:59.462 --> 00:39:01.088
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

860
00:39:01.672 --> 00:39:04.050
<i>Nigga, cocoa butter costs three dollars.</i>

861
00:39:05.051 --> 00:39:07.511
<i>You can't put that greasy shit</i>
<i>on no white kid</i>

862
00:39:07.595 --> 00:39:09.555
<i>and send him outside in the sun.</i>

863
00:39:09.638 --> 00:39:11.891
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

864
00:39:11.974 --> 00:39:13.351
<i>He'll catch on fire.</i>

865
00:39:13.434 --> 00:39:15.269
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

866
00:39:15.353 --> 00:39:17.521
<i>Now you're in jail for a hate crime.</i>

867
00:39:17.605 --> 00:39:18.939
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

868
00:39:19.023 --> 00:39:22.109
<i>All you were trying to do</i>
<i>is just oil Timmy Tim's ass up.</i>

869
00:39:22.193 --> 00:39:23.486
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

870
00:39:27.281 --> 00:39:30.284
<i>But it made me think.</i>
<i>I said, "You know what, Black women?"</i>

871
00:39:30.368 --> 00:39:33.079
<i>"If we would start adopting</i>
<i>more white kids,</i>

872
00:39:33.162 --> 00:39:34.872
<i>we could solve a problem in this country</i>

873
00:39:34.955 --> 00:39:37.792
<i>that the government</i>
<i>acts like they don't know how to solve."</i>

874
00:39:38.292 --> 00:39:39.418
<i>Which is…</i>

875
00:39:39.960 --> 00:39:41.587
<i>school shootings.</i>

876
00:39:43.047 --> 00:39:44.256
<i>Now, get our crimes right.</i>

877
00:39:44.340 --> 00:39:46.509
<i>We do drive-bys,</i>
<i>we don't fuck with schools.</i>

878
00:39:46.592 --> 00:39:47.468
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

879
00:39:47.551 --> 00:39:51.138
<i>'Cause you can't shoot up no school</i>
<i>when you got no Black mama.</i>

880
00:39:51.222 --> 00:39:54.392
<i>She'll come up to that bitch</i>
<i>and interrupt that school shooting.</i>

881
00:39:54.475 --> 00:39:56.060
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

882
00:39:56.143 --> 00:39:58.104
<i>A Black mama will come</i>
<i>to that fucking school</i>

883
00:39:58.187 --> 00:39:59.688
<i>with a bonnet on her head…</i>

884
00:40:00.356 --> 00:40:01.941
<i>That's a hair wrap. [chuckles]</i>

885
00:40:02.608 --> 00:40:04.985
<i>…and that crop top shirt on,</i>

886
00:40:05.069 --> 00:40:08.739
<i>with them fucking jogging pants</i>
<i>with "Juicy" on the back of her ass.</i>

887
00:40:08.823 --> 00:40:10.491
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

888
00:40:10.574 --> 00:40:12.868
<i>And them dirty-ass UGG boots on.</i>

889
00:40:13.744 --> 00:40:17.957
<i>Screaming to the top of her lungs,</i>
<i>"Charles Craig Junior the Third!"</i>

890
00:40:18.457 --> 00:40:21.669
<i>"I know you ain't up here</i>
<i>wasting my motherfucking bullets."</i>

891
00:40:21.752 --> 00:40:24.713
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

892
00:40:24.797 --> 00:40:27.091
<i>"Do you think bullets grow on trees?"</i>

893
00:40:27.967 --> 00:40:30.511
<i>"You an old selfish-ass white nigga."</i>

894
00:40:30.594 --> 00:40:32.638
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

895
00:40:32.721 --> 00:40:35.349
<i>"Knew you was full of shit</i>
<i>when you walked out this morning</i>

896
00:40:35.433 --> 00:40:37.059
<i>with that damn trench coat on."</i>

897
00:40:37.143 --> 00:40:39.270
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

898
00:40:39.353 --> 00:40:42.606
<i>"And I know you didn't think I was</i>
<i>gonna read that shitty-ass manifesto</i>

899
00:40:42.690 --> 00:40:43.732
<i>you left behind."</i>

900
00:40:43.816 --> 00:40:45.943
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

901
00:40:46.026 --> 00:40:48.195
<i>They write down why they kill.</i>

902
00:40:48.279 --> 00:40:50.406
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

903
00:40:50.489 --> 00:40:51.949
<i>[chuckles]</i>

904
00:40:53.451 --> 00:40:54.326
<i>[chuckles]</i>

905
00:40:56.454 --> 00:40:58.414
<i>But I want y'all to think about this,</i>
<i>Black people.</i>

906
00:40:58.497 --> 00:41:01.250
<i>They're always going out here</i>
<i>and adopting our fucking kids,</i>

907
00:41:01.333 --> 00:41:03.210
<i>and they end up with some good shit.</i>

908
00:41:03.794 --> 00:41:05.379
<i>Like </i>The Blind Side.

909
00:41:05.463 --> 00:41:07.548
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

910
00:41:07.631 --> 00:41:09.675
<i>The Blind Side,</i> the big nigga
walking down the street,

911
00:41:09.758 --> 00:41:13.012
<i>the white woman pick him up,</i>
<i>turn him into an NFL player.</i>

912
00:41:13.721 --> 00:41:16.140
<i>All I'm saying is,</i>
<i>don't y'all want an Eminem?</i>

913
00:41:16.223 --> 00:41:18.601
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

914
00:41:18.684 --> 00:41:21.103
<i>Better take your ass</i>
<i>to a white trash auction.</i>

915
00:41:21.187 --> 00:41:23.397
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

916
00:41:23.481 --> 00:41:24.982
<i>[chuckles]</i>

917
00:41:26.108 --> 00:41:27.485
<i>Yeah, I said it. [chuckles]</i>

918
00:41:27.568 --> 00:41:29.778
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

919
00:41:29.862 --> 00:41:32.364
<i>I'm going to me one</i>
<i>with a hockey stick in my hand.</i>

920
00:41:32.448 --> 00:41:34.366
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

921
00:41:34.450 --> 00:41:37.369
<i>Walk up on me a white kid.</i>
<i>"Hey, white nigga, can you rap?"</i>

922
00:41:37.453 --> 00:41:38.996
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

923
00:41:39.079 --> 00:41:41.040
<i>"Let me hear you sing 'My Name Is.'"</i>

924
00:41:41.123 --> 00:41:43.959
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

925
00:41:44.043 --> 00:41:46.378
<i>"Can the real Slim Shady please stand up?"</i>

926
00:41:46.462 --> 00:41:47.963
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

927
00:41:48.047 --> 00:41:51.050
<i>"Oh, fuck it, you can't… you can't rap.</i>
<i>Can you play hockey?"</i>

928
00:41:51.133 --> 00:41:51.967
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

929
00:41:52.051 --> 00:41:53.427
<i>"Can you drive fast?"</i>

930
00:41:53.511 --> 00:41:54.386
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

931
00:41:54.470 --> 00:41:55.387
<i>NASCAR.</i>

932
00:41:55.471 --> 00:41:57.431
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

933
00:41:57.515 --> 00:41:58.766
<i>[chuckles]</i>

934
00:41:58.849 --> 00:42:01.644
<i>You always have one white kid</i>
<i>stand up, "I can play basketball."</i>

935
00:42:01.727 --> 00:42:04.063
<i>-I'll be like, "Sit your ass down."</i>
<i>-[audience laughing]</i>

936
00:42:04.146 --> 00:42:06.148
<i>Y'all ain't been shit since Larry Bird.</i>

937
00:42:06.232 --> 00:42:07.650
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

938
00:42:09.860 --> 00:42:12.154
<i>Larry Bird, that white Michael Jordan.</i>

939
00:42:12.238 --> 00:42:14.198
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

940
00:42:18.827 --> 00:42:21.163
<i>Come on, goddammit, we ain't that young.</i>

941
00:42:21.247 --> 00:42:22.289
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

942
00:42:22.373 --> 00:42:23.541
<i>[sighs]</i>

943
00:42:23.624 --> 00:42:26.043
<i>My oldest daughter is gay as fuck, y'all.</i>

944
00:42:26.126 --> 00:42:29.255
<i>[cheering]</i>

945
00:42:29.338 --> 00:42:31.882
<i>[scattered applause]</i>

946
00:42:31.966 --> 00:42:33.717
<i>She'll eat everybody in here.</i>

947
00:42:33.801 --> 00:42:35.678
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

948
00:42:35.761 --> 00:42:39.640
<i>I ain't gonna lie, y'all, my baby eats</i>
<i>so much pussy, we call her Ms. Pac-Man.</i>

949
00:42:39.723 --> 00:42:41.725
<i>-[audience laughing]</i>
<i>-[laughs]</i>

950
00:42:46.605 --> 00:42:49.233
<i>But I should have known</i>
<i>she was gonna be different, y'all,</i>

951
00:42:49.316 --> 00:42:52.194
<i>the day my baby daddy's wife</i>
<i>knocked on my door.</i>

952
00:42:53.153 --> 00:42:56.282
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

953
00:42:56.365 --> 00:42:58.534
<i>She knocked on the door</i>
<i>and asked for me by name.</i>

954
00:42:58.617 --> 00:42:59.660
<i>I'm like, "That's me."</i>

955
00:42:59.743 --> 00:43:02.413
<i>She's like, "I'm here to tell you</i>
<i>you're sleeping with my husband."</i>

956
00:43:02.496 --> 00:43:03.414
<i>That fucked me up.</i>

957
00:43:03.497 --> 00:43:05.874
<i>I'm like, "Hold on,</i>
<i>how am I sleeping with your husband?"</i>

958
00:43:05.958 --> 00:43:07.334
<i>"He gotta be your boyfriend first,</i>

959
00:43:07.418 --> 00:43:09.461
<i>so technically,</i>
<i>you're sleeping with my man."</i>

960
00:43:09.545 --> 00:43:11.463
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

961
00:43:11.547 --> 00:43:13.591
<i>She was like, "How old are you?"</i>
<i>I'm like, "13."</i>

962
00:43:13.674 --> 00:43:15.634
<i>She was like, "Come outside,</i>
<i>let me talk to you."</i>

963
00:43:15.718 --> 00:43:17.261
<i>So I walk outside, I'm talking to her,</i>

964
00:43:17.344 --> 00:43:20.097
<i>we're standing on the corner,</i>
<i>I'm five months pregnant by her husband.</i>

965
00:43:20.180 --> 00:43:23.309
<i>The ice cream man comes down the street.</i>
<i>She was like, "You want ice cream?"</i>

966
00:43:23.392 --> 00:43:25.936
<i>I'm like, "Hell yeah,</i>
<i>me and your step-child are hot."</i>

967
00:43:26.020 --> 00:43:28.022
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

968
00:43:29.440 --> 00:43:31.692
<i>Open your mind, this shit is funny.</i>

969
00:43:31.775 --> 00:43:33.193
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

970
00:43:33.277 --> 00:43:35.904
<i>She went on to ask me to have an abortion.</i>

971
00:43:35.988 --> 00:43:37.698
<i>I'm like, "For a Bomb Pop, bitch?"</i>

972
00:43:37.781 --> 00:43:39.617
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

973
00:43:39.700 --> 00:43:41.535
<i>All she bought me</i>
<i>was one fucking Bomb Pop.</i>

974
00:43:41.619 --> 00:43:44.204
<i>I'm like, "You ain't gonna buy me</i>
<i>no box of Bomb Pops, bitch?"</i>

975
00:43:44.288 --> 00:43:45.789
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

976
00:43:45.873 --> 00:43:48.167
<i>I said, "Fuck it." I kept my child.</i>

977
00:43:48.250 --> 00:43:51.045
<i>And now my kids' father acts like</i>
<i>he don't remember the age difference.</i>

978
00:43:51.128 --> 00:43:54.965
<i>When I met him, I was 12 and he was 21</i>
<i>and he was married.</i>

979
00:43:55.049 --> 00:43:56.508
<i>Fuck you. Mind your business.</i>

980
00:43:56.592 --> 00:43:57.926
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

981
00:43:58.010 --> 00:43:58.969
<i>[chuckles]</i>

982
00:43:59.053 --> 00:44:02.806
<i>He wants to tell me, "You know damn well</i>
<i>I didn't know you were that young."</i>

983
00:44:02.890 --> 00:44:05.309
<i>I'm like, "Oh, nigga,</i>
<i>you got amnesia now?"</i>

984
00:44:05.392 --> 00:44:08.228
<i>"'Cause, bitch, you was picking me up</i>
<i>at an elementary school."</i>

985
00:44:08.312 --> 00:44:09.146
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

986
00:44:09.229 --> 00:44:11.649
<i>"The fuck you thought I was?</i>
<i>The cafeteria lady?"</i>

987
00:44:11.732 --> 00:44:13.859
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

988
00:44:13.942 --> 00:44:17.029
<i>The only motherfucker in elementary</i>
<i>whose boyfriend got a car.</i>

989
00:44:17.112 --> 00:44:18.489
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

990
00:44:18.572 --> 00:44:20.199
<i>I'm looking around at my friends, like,</i>

991
00:44:20.282 --> 00:44:23.077
<i>"Y'all boyfriends need</i>
<i>to get the fuck off these bicycles."</i>

992
00:44:23.160 --> 00:44:24.870
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

993
00:44:24.953 --> 00:44:27.915
<i>[applause]</i>

994
00:44:27.998 --> 00:44:31.877
<i>My friend was like, "No, that old nigga</i>
<i>needs to stop picking you up so much."</i>

995
00:44:31.960 --> 00:44:33.337
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

996
00:44:34.213 --> 00:44:37.007
<i>So I get pregnant at 13,</i>
<i>and I go into labor at 14.</i>

997
00:44:37.091 --> 00:44:39.593
<i>I wake my mama up one morning</i>
<i>about four o’clock in the morning.</i>

998
00:44:39.677 --> 00:44:42.137
<i>I'm like, "Mama,</i>
<i>my damn stomach is hurting."</i>

999
00:44:42.221 --> 00:44:44.098
<i>My mama jumps out of bed,</i>
<i>out of a deep sleep.</i>

1000
00:44:44.181 --> 00:44:47.351
<i>She's pissed off, her little short leg</i>
<i>hanging like a soft dick.</i>

1001
00:44:47.434 --> 00:44:48.268
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1002
00:44:48.352 --> 00:44:51.814
<i>She started screaming,</i>
<i>"A nigga can't get no sleep around here!"</i>

1003
00:44:51.897 --> 00:44:53.774
<i>She goes over and wakes up my sister.</i>

1004
00:44:53.857 --> 00:44:57.236
<i>She was like, "Get your ass up</i>
<i>and go up to the payphone,"</i>

1005
00:44:57.319 --> 00:44:58.737
<i>we didn't have a home phone,</i>

1006
00:44:58.821 --> 00:45:02.950
<i>"and call 911 so they can come get her ass</i>
<i>and I can go back to sleep."</i>

1007
00:45:03.033 --> 00:45:04.118
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1008
00:45:04.201 --> 00:45:07.621
<i>Fuck, y'all. Don't judge my mama.</i>
<i>She didn't feel like riding that night.</i>

1009
00:45:07.705 --> 00:45:08.539
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1010
00:45:08.622 --> 00:45:12.042
<i>My sister goes up to the payphone,</i>
<i>she calls 911, she comes back.</i>

1011
00:45:12.126 --> 00:45:14.962
<i>Within five minutes,</i>
<i>they're beating on the door, "Bam, bam."</i>

1012
00:45:15.045 --> 00:45:17.339
<i>"Is the baby born?"</i>
<i>I'm like, "The baby born?"</i>

1013
00:45:17.423 --> 00:45:19.925
<i>This bitch done told the people</i>
<i>the baby came out.</i>

1014
00:45:20.008 --> 00:45:21.468
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1015
00:45:21.552 --> 00:45:24.054
<i>I open the door. I'm like,</i>
<i>"No, sir, I'm just having pains."</i>

1016
00:45:24.138 --> 00:45:26.932
<i>He was like, "Can you walk</i>
<i>to the ambulance?" I'm like, "Yeah."</i>

1017
00:45:27.015 --> 00:45:29.101
<i>I walked to the ambulance. No lie, y'all.</i>

1018
00:45:29.184 --> 00:45:32.396
<i>He opened the door, it's another nigga</i>
<i>already on the stretcher.</i>

1019
00:45:33.188 --> 00:45:35.607
<i>What happened was,</i>
<i>he said, around the corner from me,</i>

1020
00:45:35.691 --> 00:45:37.443
<i>somebody got stabbed in the shoulder.</i>

1021
00:45:37.526 --> 00:45:40.362
<i>And when my call came in,</i>
<i>they swooped around and got me.</i>

1022
00:45:40.446 --> 00:45:42.114
<i>-[audience laughing]</i>
<i>-[chuckles]</i>

1023
00:45:42.197 --> 00:45:43.949
<i>But since I was in more pain than him,</i>

1024
00:45:44.032 --> 00:45:46.452
<i>they made him get up</i>
<i>and put me on the stretcher.</i>

1025
00:45:46.535 --> 00:45:48.203
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1026
00:45:48.287 --> 00:45:50.831
<i>On the way to the hospital,</i>
<i>I get a contraction.</i>

1027
00:45:50.914 --> 00:45:53.292
<i>This nigga gonna grab my hand,</i>
<i>"Breathe, baby, breathe."</i>

1028
00:45:53.375 --> 00:45:55.794
<i>-I'm like, "Who the fuck are you?"</i>
<i>-[audience laughing]</i>

1029
00:45:57.087 --> 00:46:01.175
<i>I get to the hospital, y'all.</i>
<i>I give birth to a nine-pound little girl.</i>

1030
00:46:02.259 --> 00:46:05.387
<i>And I gotta keep it real with you.</i>
<i>I was not trying to have no fucking baby.</i>

1031
00:46:05.471 --> 00:46:08.056
<i>All I wanted</i>
<i>was a fucking Cabbage Patch Kid</i>

1032
00:46:08.140 --> 00:46:09.641
<i>with a real birth certificate.</i>

1033
00:46:09.725 --> 00:46:11.894
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1034
00:46:11.977 --> 00:46:14.563
<i>This old nigga done put a whole baby</i>
<i>off in my ass.</i>

1035
00:46:15.355 --> 00:46:18.066
<i>I give birth. Two hours later,</i>
<i>the nurse came back.</i>

1036
00:46:18.150 --> 00:46:20.778
<i>She was like, "Ma'am,</i>
<i>you need to feed the baby."</i>

1037
00:46:20.861 --> 00:46:22.279
<i>I'm like, "With what?"</i>

1038
00:46:22.362 --> 00:46:24.531
<i>-[audience laughing]</i>
<i>-She's like, "With your titty."</i>

1039
00:46:24.615 --> 00:46:27.367
<i>I'm 14 years old. I don't know shit</i>
<i>about no damn breastfeeding.</i>

1040
00:46:27.451 --> 00:46:30.621
<i>So I just picked my whole titty up</i>
<i>and dropped it in my daughter's face.</i>

1041
00:46:30.704 --> 00:46:32.206
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1042
00:46:32.289 --> 00:46:34.249
<i>About to smother the shit out of her.</i>

1043
00:46:34.333 --> 00:46:35.209
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1044
00:46:35.292 --> 00:46:39.004
<i>I look up at the nurse, I'm like,</i>
<i>"Nurse, I don't think she likes titties."</i>

1045
00:46:39.087 --> 00:46:40.547
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1046
00:46:40.631 --> 00:46:42.216
<i>The nurse was like, "What are you doing?"</i>

1047
00:46:42.299 --> 00:46:44.468
<i>"You gotta put the nipple</i>
<i>in the baby's mouth."</i>

1048
00:46:44.551 --> 00:46:46.386
<i>I was like, "Oh. Okay."</i>

1049
00:46:47.012 --> 00:46:49.640
<i>I put my nipple</i>
<i>in my daughter's mouth, y'all,</i>

1050
00:46:49.723 --> 00:46:51.934
<i>and she clamped down on that bitch.</i>

1051
00:46:52.893 --> 00:46:56.063
<i>I'm like, "Uh, nurse,</i>
<i>I ain't gonna be able to do this shit."</i>

1052
00:46:56.146 --> 00:46:57.606
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1053
00:46:57.689 --> 00:47:00.067
<i>She was like, "Why?" I said, "Shit."</i>

1054
00:47:00.859 --> 00:47:03.779
<i>"You suck my titty, that's my hot spot.</i>
<i>You gotta fuck me."</i>

1055
00:47:03.862 --> 00:47:05.656
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1056
00:47:05.739 --> 00:47:08.158
<i>[applause]</i>

1057
00:47:11.954 --> 00:47:14.915
<i>Do y'all know my daughter</i>
<i>ain't stopped sucking titties yet?</i>

1058
00:47:14.998 --> 00:47:16.500
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1059
00:47:16.583 --> 00:47:18.877
<i>Breastfeeding made my baby gay.</i>

1060
00:47:18.961 --> 00:47:20.963
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1061
00:47:22.381 --> 00:47:25.634
<i>She's gay as hell. Every time I go over</i>
<i>to her house, there's a new girl.</i>

1062
00:47:25.717 --> 00:47:26.844
<i>I try to tell these hos,</i>

1063
00:47:26.927 --> 00:47:29.596
<i>"Don't fuck with my daughter.</i>
<i>She's gonna eat you and leave you."</i>

1064
00:47:29.680 --> 00:47:30.848
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1065
00:47:30.931 --> 00:47:32.182
<i>[chuckles]</i>

1066
00:47:32.724 --> 00:47:35.102
<i>I'm like, "Bitch, she's gonna</i>
<i>treat you like takeout."</i>

1067
00:47:35.185 --> 00:47:37.104
<i>-[audience laughing]</i>
<i>-[laughs]</i>

1068
00:47:37.187 --> 00:47:39.606
<i>My daughter's like,</i>
<i>"Mama, you need to mind your business."</i>

1069
00:47:39.690 --> 00:47:42.860
<i>"Me and my girlfriend gonna go</i>
<i>to the store. Wait at the house."</i>

1070
00:47:42.943 --> 00:47:46.113
<i>And I'm sitting at her house,</i>
<i>and I'm thinking to myself,</i>

1071
00:47:46.196 --> 00:47:47.656
<i>"My daughter is gay as fuck."</i>

1072
00:47:48.615 --> 00:47:51.159
<i>"What these two</i>
<i>carpet-crunching bitches be doin'?"</i>

1073
00:47:51.243 --> 00:47:52.953
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1074
00:47:53.036 --> 00:47:54.913
<i>And the reason why</i>
<i>I call them "carpet-crunching"</i>

1075
00:47:54.997 --> 00:47:57.457
<i>is 'cause I assume</i>
<i>when two Black vaginas get together,</i>

1076
00:47:57.541 --> 00:48:00.168
<i>it sounds like</i>
<i>you're stepping on a bag of Doritos.</i>

1077
00:48:00.252 --> 00:48:01.503
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1078
00:48:05.132 --> 00:48:06.300
<i>[chuckles]</i>

1079
00:48:06.383 --> 00:48:08.760
<i>Can you spread some of that shit</i>
<i>over here, sir?</i>

1080
00:48:08.844 --> 00:48:11.346
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1081
00:48:11.430 --> 00:48:14.683
<i>That's what it sounds like</i>
<i>when I got an afro down there. "Rrrrr."</i>

1082
00:48:14.766 --> 00:48:15.851
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1083
00:48:15.934 --> 00:48:19.354
<i>[laughing]</i>

1084
00:48:19.980 --> 00:48:21.982
<i>So I decided to be nosy, right?</i>

1085
00:48:22.065 --> 00:48:23.275
<i>And I go to her closet.</i>

1086
00:48:23.358 --> 00:48:29.239
<i>And that day, I learned that all gay women</i>
<i>got the same shit in their closet</i>

1087
00:48:29.323 --> 00:48:32.284
<i>on the top shelf, on the left-hand side.</i>

1088
00:48:32.367 --> 00:48:33.869
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1089
00:48:33.952 --> 00:48:35.996
<i>And it's called a dick box.</i>

1090
00:48:36.079 --> 00:48:37.414
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1091
00:48:37.497 --> 00:48:40.375
<i>Y'all, and I fucked around</i>
<i>and knocked that dick box down,</i>

1092
00:48:40.459 --> 00:48:43.795
<i>and all them dicks fell out</i>
<i>with them suction-cup nuts on 'em.</i>

1093
00:48:43.879 --> 00:48:45.547
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1094
00:48:46.381 --> 00:48:47.299
<i>[chuckles]</i>

1095
00:48:47.382 --> 00:48:49.259
<i>Nigga, that shit hit that linoleum floor.</i>

1096
00:48:49.343 --> 00:48:52.679
<i>I look back,</i>
<i>them dicks just waving side to side.</i>

1097
00:48:52.763 --> 00:48:54.973
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1098
00:48:55.057 --> 00:48:57.267
<i>Like they're at a fucking used car lot.</i>

1099
00:48:57.351 --> 00:48:59.311
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1100
00:49:01.104 --> 00:49:03.690
<i>Do you know how hard it is</i>
<i>to pull suction cup dicks</i>

1101
00:49:03.774 --> 00:49:05.150
<i>up off a linoleum floor?</i>

1102
00:49:05.233 --> 00:49:07.319
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1103
00:49:07.402 --> 00:49:10.989
<i>You can't just pull them dicks up.</i>
<i>I had to slide 'em to the carpet.</i>

1104
00:49:11.073 --> 00:49:13.075
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1105
00:49:15.118 --> 00:49:16.536
<i>Like dead bodies.</i>

1106
00:49:16.620 --> 00:49:18.121
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1107
00:49:19.790 --> 00:49:21.208
<i>Gay as hell. [chuckles]</i>

1108
00:49:23.669 --> 00:49:27.047
<i>No lie, we went on a mother-daughter trip</i>
<i>to New York one time.</i>

1109
00:49:27.130 --> 00:49:29.925
<i>Just me and her, come back in</i>
<i>from shopping all day.</i>

1110
00:49:30.008 --> 00:49:32.803
<i>I'm looking in her book bag</i>
<i>for my keys, right?</i>

1111
00:49:32.886 --> 00:49:35.472
<i>At the bottom of her book bag,</i>
<i>on a mother-daughter trip,</i>

1112
00:49:35.555 --> 00:49:39.351
<i>I pull out her strap-on</i>
<i>connected to a karate belt.</i>

1113
00:49:39.434 --> 00:49:41.436
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1114
00:49:45.857 --> 00:49:50.028
<i>I'm like, "Why the hell would you bring</i>
<i>your strap-on on a mother-daughter trip?"</i>

1115
00:49:50.112 --> 00:49:54.533
<i>She gonna look at me, "Mama,</i>
<i>in case I gotta dick these bitches down."</i>

1116
00:49:54.616 --> 00:49:56.618
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1117
00:49:58.620 --> 00:50:00.497
<i>I'm like, "But it's just me and you."</i>

1118
00:50:00.580 --> 00:50:01.498
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1119
00:50:01.581 --> 00:50:03.041
<i>"You gonna fuck your mama?"</i>

1120
00:50:03.125 --> 00:50:04.751
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1121
00:50:04.835 --> 00:50:07.462
<i>Scared the shit out of me.</i>
<i>I slept with one eye open.</i>

1122
00:50:07.546 --> 00:50:09.464
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1123
00:50:09.548 --> 00:50:13.343
<i>Oh baby, ain't nobody about</i>
<i>to take advantage of me with no cold dick.</i>

1124
00:50:13.427 --> 00:50:15.053
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1125
00:50:15.137 --> 00:50:17.431
<i>[scoffs] I don't even like my food cold.</i>

1126
00:50:18.473 --> 00:50:21.560
<i>I like to feel them hot nutsacks</i>
<i>hit the back of my ass.</i>

1127
00:50:21.643 --> 00:50:24.813
<i>[laughter and scattered applause]</i>

1128
00:50:24.896 --> 00:50:26.314
<i>Shit. I'm a grown-ass woman.</i>

1129
00:50:26.398 --> 00:50:28.442
<i>I like them grown nuts</i>
<i>that come up between your legs.</i>

1130
00:50:28.525 --> 00:50:30.277
<i>You gotta hit 'em back like tennis.</i>

1131
00:50:30.360 --> 00:50:32.195
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1132
00:50:35.490 --> 00:50:36.491
<i>Mm-mm.</i>

1133
00:50:37.242 --> 00:50:39.077
<i>One thing I know about being a gay parent,</i>

1134
00:50:39.161 --> 00:50:42.998
<i>you gotta have them fucking gay parent</i>
<i>conversations when they come out.</i>

1135
00:50:43.081 --> 00:50:45.709
<i>And the first thing they say is,</i>
<i>"I was born gay."</i>

1136
00:50:45.792 --> 00:50:49.671
<i>I say, "Look here, I love you to death,</i>
<i>I don't know how the fuck you got gay,</i>

1137
00:50:50.797 --> 00:50:54.885
<i>but if you eat pussy</i>
<i>like your real daddy do, you are a hero!"</i>

1138
00:50:54.968 --> 00:50:57.596
<i>[laughter and scattered applause]</i>

1139
00:51:04.978 --> 00:51:07.773
<i>"Mama, you're always making jokes.</i>
<i>I was born gay."</i>

1140
00:51:07.856 --> 00:51:10.734
<i>I said, "Look, bitch, you was not gay</i>
<i>on that fucking ultrasound."</i>

1141
00:51:10.817 --> 00:51:12.486
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1142
00:51:12.569 --> 00:51:16.031
<i>"I don't have one picture of you</i>
<i>doing this shit. Not one."</i>

1143
00:51:16.114 --> 00:51:18.116
<i>[audience laughing, applauding]</i>

1144
00:51:20.035 --> 00:51:21.578
<i>[cheering and groaning]</i>

1145
00:51:21.661 --> 00:51:23.538
<i>[audience member] Oh shit.</i>

1146
00:51:24.164 --> 00:51:26.041
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1147
00:51:27.042 --> 00:51:29.878
<i>But I ain't gonna lie, y'all.</i>
<i>As a gay parent, it do make you think,</i>

1148
00:51:29.961 --> 00:51:32.923
<i>"How the fuck did my baby get gay?"</i>
<i>You know?</i>

1149
00:51:33.006 --> 00:51:35.008
<i>Did I eat too much hot sauce?</i>

1150
00:51:35.092 --> 00:51:37.094
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1151
00:51:42.557 --> 00:51:44.518
<i>Did I fall down some stairs?</i>

1152
00:51:44.601 --> 00:51:45.685
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1153
00:51:45.769 --> 00:51:47.562
<i>Did she lick me on the way out?</i>

1154
00:51:47.646 --> 00:51:49.815
<i>[laughter and scattered applause]</i>

1155
00:51:54.486 --> 00:51:56.822
<i>That was a strong one.</i>
<i>I'll give you a second.</i>

1156
00:51:56.905 --> 00:51:58.657
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1157
00:51:59.699 --> 00:52:01.201
<i>I'm just wondering. [chuckles]</i>

1158
00:52:01.785 --> 00:52:03.453
<i>But I can tell you this, y'all.</i>

1159
00:52:03.537 --> 00:52:06.748
<i>I can talk about my gay child</i>
<i>all the fuck I want to,</i>

1160
00:52:06.832 --> 00:52:10.502
<i>but can't nobody else talk about</i>
<i>my fucking gay baby. That's my gay baby.</i>

1161
00:52:10.585 --> 00:52:12.379
<i>Thank you. Thank you, gay people.</i>

1162
00:52:12.462 --> 00:52:14.464
<i>[audience cheering, applauding]</i>

1163
00:52:16.424 --> 00:52:18.760
<i>And I ain't even gonna lie</i>
<i>'cause I'm an honest motherfucker.</i>

1164
00:52:18.844 --> 00:52:21.179
<i>When she first came out, y'all,</i>
<i>I was embarrassed.</i>

1165
00:52:21.263 --> 00:52:22.931
<i>My girlfriend came over,</i>

1166
00:52:23.014 --> 00:52:25.934
<i>"Oh my God, Pat, your daughter is gay?</i>
<i>I know you're embarrassed."</i>

1167
00:52:26.017 --> 00:52:29.479
<i>"I'd be embarrassed. I know how you feel.</i>
<i>You're embarrassed as shit."</i>

1168
00:52:29.563 --> 00:52:31.648
<i>I'm like, "Bitch, your daughter is a ho."</i>

1169
00:52:31.731 --> 00:52:34.276
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1170
00:52:34.359 --> 00:52:36.570
<i>"At least my daughter knows</i>
<i>where her dick's at."</i>

1171
00:52:36.653 --> 00:52:39.197
<i>"On the top shelf, on the left-hand side."</i>

1172
00:52:39.281 --> 00:52:41.283
<i>[audience laughing, applauding]</i>

1173
00:52:44.828 --> 00:52:48.790
<i>If you don't take shit away from this show</i>
<i>tonight, I hope you take one thing.</i>

1174
00:52:48.874 --> 00:52:51.793
<i>Learn how to take the darkest shit</i>
<i>in your life</i>

1175
00:52:51.877 --> 00:52:54.004
<i>and turn that shit into laughter.</i>

1176
00:52:54.087 --> 00:52:57.340
<i>'Cause when you can laugh at it,</i>
<i>that means you got control of it.</i>

1177
00:52:57.424 --> 00:53:00.427
<i>I don't give a fuck if somebody</i>
<i>stuck their thumb up your ass</i>

1178
00:53:00.510 --> 00:53:01.636
<i>when you were little.</i>

1179
00:53:01.720 --> 00:53:04.389
<i>If he didn't get past the knuckle,</i>
<i>nigga, you won.</i>

1180
00:53:04.472 --> 00:53:05.390
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

1181
00:53:05.473 --> 00:53:07.976
<i>Atlanta, thank you so much.</i>
<i>I've been Ms. Pat.</i>

1182
00:53:08.059 --> 00:53:09.102
<i>Thank you.</i>

1183
00:53:09.186 --> 00:53:11.354
<i>[audience cheering, applauding]</i>

1184
00:53:11.938 --> 00:53:14.566
<i>["Bad Girl" playing]</i>

1185
00:53:53.647 --> 00:53:55.398
<i>Oy vey. And up.</i>

1186
00:53:55.482 --> 00:53:57.609
<i>Use your knees, Page. Come on, push it.</i>