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Downloaded from
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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They say you should
never give up on your dreams,
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00:01:01.019 --> 00:01:02.562
but what if you should?
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What if your dreams are just
too big and you are too small?
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A tiny, insignificant speck of carbon
floating in a cruel, unforgiving universe.
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No, the universe doesn't
care about your dreams.
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In a flash of light,
in the blink of an eye,
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it will wipe its ass with your destiny.
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But if you learn to accept this,
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to laugh at God
instead of cursing him,
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then maybe, just maybe,
you stand a chance
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of becoming a pretty decent clown.
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Weird.
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Where is everybody?
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♪ If you're happy and you know it,
clap your hands ♪
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00:02:03.248 --> 00:02:06.376 line:5%
♪ If you're happy and you know it,
Clap your hands ♪
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00:02:06.459 --> 00:02:07.502 line:5%
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00:02:07.585 --> 00:02:09.754 line:5%
♪ If you're happy and you know it ♪
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♪ And you really want to show it ♪
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♪ If you're happy and you know it,
clap your hands ♪
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If you're happy-- bear with me--
and you know it, stamp your...
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Ah, you know it don't you?
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Are you going to be
able to finish that? Or...
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What is it? Red Leicester?
What is that?
26
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Bobo!
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00:02:33.486 --> 00:02:36.614
I thought we were clear.
We're gonna go another way with this.
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Yes, I heard you.
You said I was depressing the children.
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That's why I brought out
the happy dance.
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Look, we've had a great run, but we're
gonna give Nathan a go this time.
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- He does close-up magic...
- And far-away magic.
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A fucking wand-stroker?!
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My act works!
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00:02:56.384 --> 00:02:59.846
I've been doing it 25 years!
It's the kids that've changed!
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They don't appreciate
the classics anymore.
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00:03:02.098 --> 00:03:04.225
They just wanna get
jacked up on energy drinks,
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00:03:04.309 --> 00:03:05.810
and watch Serbian pornography.
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00:03:05.894 --> 00:03:10.273
- I don't think these kids are watching--
- Asian shit, foot stuff, whatever.
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If you want to give my job to a
fucking hat fister, then fine.
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Fuck you.
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00:03:16.195 --> 00:03:18.489
And fuck him,
and fuck this gig,
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and fuck all these joyless little pricks,
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because I quit. Okay?
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Oh, I'll be taking one of these
jellies as well. Thank you!
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That was methadone.
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Yeah, I knew that.
47
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Alright?
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Right.
Let's introduce you.
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Good morning, Ireland.
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00:03:50.939 --> 00:03:54.525 line:5%
You're listening to 93.5 with Big Roy
and The Animal.
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00:03:54.609 --> 00:03:57.612 line:5%
Extreme weather conditions in Bolivia
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have baffled climatologists
who fear electromagnetic--
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00:04:01.366 --> 00:04:04.202
Garth Brooks live this Saturday
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00:04:04.285 --> 00:04:06.579
at Croke Park, Dublin.
Extra tickets on sale--
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Hey, kid.
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Do you wanna see a show?
Come on.
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- It'll only take a second.
- Hey! Let go!
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Help! That thing was trying
to drag my son away!
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No, no, no.
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00:04:38.278 --> 00:04:41.698
That's just where I do my show.
They won't let me do it out here.
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If you need any witnesses,
I saw what happened.
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She definitely tried to snatch your kid.
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Fuck you, Alan!
Just gimme a shot on the strip.
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- I've done my time!
- The strip's for artists, Funzo.
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You're scaring away the clients.
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You want to dance with me,
Alan, do you wanna dance?
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Is this clown bothering you, Alan?
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Okay.
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00:05:05.305 --> 00:05:06.306
Okay.
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You can run, Funzo but we'll get
you eventually! We can wait!
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Human statues can always wait!
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-
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Before we begin, there are
three basic truths you must accept.
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One, God is dead.
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Two.
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Laughter is the only sane response
to a meaningless existence.
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Three, if you are going to do a tumble,
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make sure you land
on the meat of your buttocks,
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or you will really damage your ass bone.
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You, why are you here?
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00:06:01.819 --> 00:06:03.279
I just love kids.
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00:06:03.404 --> 00:06:05.907
I guess... making them laugh.
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00:06:05.990 --> 00:06:09.160
A bit route one, isn't it?
"Making children laugh."
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00:06:09.243 --> 00:06:13.247
Ah, we have an avant-gardist in our midst.
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Let us marvel at his singular genius.
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00:06:20.588 --> 00:06:22.048
Monsieur DuCoque.
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I am Pepe, and this is my interpretation
of the classic mime "Trapped In A Box."
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That's a wall.
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And another one. Not this again.
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Ooh, uh, Julian.
Julian, are you still out there?
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00:06:52.120 --> 00:06:53.579
I better call Barbara.
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00:06:54.372 --> 00:06:56.290
Hello? May I speak to Barbara please?
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00:06:56.374 --> 00:06:58.209
Barbara? Hi, it's Pepe.
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00:06:58.292 --> 00:07:00.503
Listen, bit of an embarrassing one
for you, Barbara.
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00:07:00.586 --> 00:07:01.921
You know that box I've got
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00:07:02.004 --> 00:07:03.673
- at the end of my garden?
- Enough!
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00:07:04.632 --> 00:07:07.343
This is the worst performance
I have ever seen.
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00:07:07.426 --> 00:07:09.137
Sorry, maybe you
didn't understand there.
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I wasn't actually trapped in a box.
I was just pretending.
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A true clown never pretends.
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He simply be's.
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But I am a true clown.
I just need some training.
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If I taught a duck to wear a hat and
a little suit and go to an office
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every day with a tiny briefcase,
would that make him a businessman?
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Well, if he tried really hard
and read all the books and...
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00:07:33.911 --> 00:07:35.872
really believed in his
dreams, then yes!
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Yes, I know that duck
could become a businessman.
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Silence!
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You will never... be...
a true clown.
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Monsieur DuCoque!
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Monsieur DuCoque!
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They say comedy equals tragedy plus time.
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Well, unfortunately, time was up
for the man that some people called
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the last great clown, Jean DuCoque.
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00:08:02.648 --> 00:08:06.569
And joining me to discuss
his legacy is, well, a bit of a blast
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00:08:06.652 --> 00:08:09.405
from the TV past,
The amazing Alphonso.
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00:08:09.489 --> 00:08:11.741 line:5%
It's "The Great,"
it's "The Great Alphonso."
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00:08:11.824 --> 00:08:15.453
So DuCoque was, I suppose, some
kind of a hero to you.
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Indeed. And I to him.
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Unlike many of the other so-called
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"stars of the time,"
he was not a jealous clown.
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For instance, when Alphonso's
Fun Club became the nation's highest
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rated kids' TV show in 1993...
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I think I remember that show!
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00:08:35.473 --> 00:08:38.851
- And then again, in 1994.
- Wasn't it canceled due to some kind
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of a freak gunge tank accident?
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Yeah, it was.
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There were no formal charges.
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- Piss off.
- I think DuCoque would be delighted
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to hear the announcement
of my comeback show
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this Saturday at the
National Concert Hall--
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Saturday? Isn't that the same night as
Garth Brooks' Stadium show?
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'Cause that's where I'll be!
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Oh, fucking hack.
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Why are you watching this?
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Fuck off!
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Fucking thing. Piss off!
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00:09:15.096 --> 00:09:18.724
Piss off. Why are you smiling?
You've got nothing to smile for.
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Eat cock.
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Why are you smiling?!
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Piece of shit.
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I need that source, Suzie.
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I'm not going live
without a second source.
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00:10:14.822 --> 00:10:16.907 line:5%
No, no. I never said
it was off the record!
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- He's not gonna wrap up this story.
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You've got 20 minutes.
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00:10:23.623 --> 00:10:25.958
Wow. It only took you three days.
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You know you get paid by the word?
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00:10:27.877 --> 00:10:30.880
Look, Edith, I think I've
got a real story here.
150
00:10:31.339 --> 00:10:35.384
- What do you know about solar flares?
- I know I don't care about them.
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00:10:35.468 --> 00:10:38.262
I've been tracking some serious
meteorological anomalies
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00:10:38.346 --> 00:10:39.680
over the past few months.
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NASA, the European Space Agency, the SWPC,
all warning of a potentially major event.
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00:10:45.561 --> 00:10:48.689
- Alright, listen, Jenny...
- I know what you're gonna say, Edith,
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but journalism is in my blood.
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You've got a thoroughbred horse here,
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and you've got me giving
pony rides round the garden.
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I can sleep standing up.
I can shit while I gallop.
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Stop wasting me on these
bullshit celebrity puff pieces.
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00:11:00.409 --> 00:11:02.370
And let me feel the wind in my mane.
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All right. As it happens,
I do have a story for you.
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00:11:06.374 --> 00:11:09.835
Out in the field, something
tailored to your particular expertise.
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A clown funeral.
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A clown funeral!
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How fucked up is that? Who
wouldn't click through?
166
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But I thought you wanted
me for my expertise.
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I do.
168
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Didn't you fuck a clown?
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Sorry, did I get that wrong?
170
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Jenny Malone fucked a clown, right?
171
00:11:35.486 --> 00:11:36.737
This Jenny?
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- She fucked a clown?
- Yes, she's the clown fucker.
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Can we all stop calling me that please?
174
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I just hooked up with a guy at a party.
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Was it a children's party?
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Ah, fuck you, Suzie.
Journalists are talking.
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Look, no one else here knows
a goddamn thing about clowns.
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So do you want this job or not?
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I'll do it.
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Some day I'm gonna do
some real reporting,
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and I'm gonna show you...
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00:12:12.606 --> 00:12:14.275
you judgmental bitch.
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Are you talking to me
or your dead mother?
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- Dead mother.
- Cool. That's totally normal.
185
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Heavy winds being
blamed for the unusual network blackouts
186
00:12:38.382 --> 00:12:42.303
from the Cavernly triangle, and also
fearing increasing levels of disruption,
187
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and a sharp rise in the number
of towns shutting down.
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- Can I help you?
- Is Jenny here?
189
00:13:00.571 --> 00:13:02.865
- Jenny.
- Yeah. Five foot four.
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Medium hair.
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The most beautiful woman in the world.
192
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We do have a Jenny,
but she's kind of plain.
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I can take a message.
194
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Um...
195
00:13:19.465 --> 00:13:20.591
could you tell her...
196
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every time I see a sunset
the wind shouts her name.
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Jenny!
198
00:13:30.100 --> 00:13:32.561
Don't say that actually. It's weird, no?
199
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I still wrote it...
Could you just say "What up?"
200
00:13:36.398 --> 00:13:37.441
"What up?"
201
00:13:37.900 --> 00:13:39.610
You just want me
to say "What up?"
202
00:13:39.693 --> 00:13:41.654
Yeah, but keep it--
keep it casual,
203
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like you're really busy,
it's no big deal,
204
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so "What up? What up?"
205
00:13:45.115 --> 00:13:47.910
Not like that, but "What up"
like that. Keep it mean.
206
00:13:47.993 --> 00:13:50.246
Okay. Uh, what was your name?
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00:13:51.664 --> 00:13:52.665
Uh, Bobo.
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00:13:53.249 --> 00:13:56.669
Bobo as in Bobo the Clown.
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00:13:56.752 --> 00:13:58.712
Wow.
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You know, I don't know
where she is right now,
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00:14:01.507 --> 00:14:06.720
uh, but I can tell you
where she'll be tomorrow morning.
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Please.
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00:14:20.776 --> 00:14:23.821 line:5%
-
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00:14:36.041 --> 00:14:37.585
Thanks for the ride!
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00:14:55.519 --> 00:14:57.396
- Jenny.
- Oh, fuck me.
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Wow, baby girl.
217
00:15:00.149 --> 00:15:02.776
- Of course you're here.
- Wow, you look spectacular.
218
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What are the chances?
219
00:15:08.282 --> 00:15:09.575
Yeah, so I'm good.
220
00:15:10.784 --> 00:15:14.163
Finally got out of the clown game.
At last. Long time coming.
221
00:15:14.997 --> 00:15:19.585
Nah. I just needed a change, you know.
Been reading a lot of fitness magazines.
222
00:15:21.587 --> 00:15:22.796
Hey, how you doing?
223
00:15:22.922 --> 00:15:24.632
Bobo. Nice to meet you.
224
00:15:25.591 --> 00:15:28.427
- So are you a couple or what's the coup?
- What? No!
225
00:15:28.510 --> 00:15:30.638
- Oh, sorry. You seem lovely.
- What, are you single?
226
00:15:30.721 --> 00:15:32.222
- Um...
- We should go out some time.
227
00:15:32.306 --> 00:15:35.434
I know this great little Italian!
And he's a fantastic hot dog stand.
228
00:15:35.517 --> 00:15:38.062
Bobo. I'm working.
Leave me alone.
229
00:15:40.272 --> 00:15:41.273
Nice.
230
00:15:42.232 --> 00:15:45.861
Sorry to cock-block you there, mate.
But me and her got history.
231
00:15:47.029 --> 00:15:49.239
And a future by the looks of it, so...
232
00:15:50.866 --> 00:15:55.454
You can flash all the cash you want, but
you ain't impressing anyone, mate. Okay?
233
00:16:05.714 --> 00:16:08.092
So anyway he says,
"What's with the big pants?"
234
00:16:08.425 --> 00:16:09.510
And then I say,
235
00:16:09.593 --> 00:16:12.429
"that's where I keep the big dick
I use to fuck your mum."
236
00:16:12.930 --> 00:16:16.183
Anyway, that's why I don't play
orphanages anymore.
237
00:16:24.900 --> 00:16:26.485
I'm so sorry for your loss.
238
00:16:27.403 --> 00:16:29.196
Oh, thank you.
239
00:16:30.155 --> 00:16:32.825
Monsieur DuCoque
was like a father to me.
240
00:16:32.908 --> 00:16:38.622
I suppose now it's fallen
upon me to honor his legacy.
241
00:16:40.749 --> 00:16:42.751
Big shoes to fill.
242
00:16:46.547 --> 00:16:47.548
You're right.
243
00:16:49.133 --> 00:16:50.759
I should take his shoes.
244
00:16:51.635 --> 00:16:52.636
Fuck me.
245
00:16:52.720 --> 00:16:57.141
So this guy, he must have
been a pretty big deal, right?
246
00:16:57.224 --> 00:16:58.976
- Who, DuCoque?
- Mm-hmm.
247
00:16:59.393 --> 00:17:03.313
Yeah. I guess. Excuse me.
248
00:17:04.398 --> 00:17:06.567
Aah. You smell musky.
249
00:17:10.988 --> 00:17:12.281
Jen!
250
00:17:12.364 --> 00:17:14.575
Wow! This is a real Who's Who, huh?
251
00:17:14.992 --> 00:17:16.326
Hey. How you doing?
252
00:17:18.746 --> 00:17:19.872
Friends.
253
00:17:21.373 --> 00:17:24.418
The pain and grief we are all feeling.
254
00:17:24.501 --> 00:17:26.295
There are no words.
255
00:17:27.254 --> 00:17:30.382
But where words fail us,
256
00:17:30.466 --> 00:17:32.801
there is always mime!
257
00:17:43.270 --> 00:17:44.605
What're we lookin' at?
258
00:17:44.688 --> 00:17:46.565
I'm trapped in a box while screaming.
259
00:17:48.150 --> 00:17:49.526
That's not how it reads.
260
00:17:54.698 --> 00:17:56.575
Okay, the other hand isn't helping.
261
00:18:08.629 --> 00:18:10.798
A fitting tribute, I think we'd all agree.
262
00:18:12.424 --> 00:18:16.845
But first, let me tell you
how great it is
263
00:18:17.262 --> 00:18:21.975
to see the nation's entire clowning
community in such rude health.
264
00:18:24.770 --> 00:18:27.064
Adieu Monsieur.
265
00:18:27.147 --> 00:18:28.857
But enough about the past.
266
00:18:29.983 --> 00:18:32.027
As you all know,
267
00:18:32.111 --> 00:18:35.531
I myself am back on top,
268
00:18:35.656 --> 00:18:40.577
gearing up for my enormous
comeback show tomorrow night!
269
00:18:40.953 --> 00:18:42.788
But I need a support act.
270
00:18:43.205 --> 00:18:45.666
- Well, if you...
- Not you. Not that.
271
00:18:46.583 --> 00:18:48.377
Wait a minute, where's Boinki?
272
00:18:48.460 --> 00:18:49.628
Doing a Masters.
273
00:18:49.711 --> 00:18:50.796
Hmm?
274
00:18:51.046 --> 00:18:53.006
- Giggles?
- Trampled by a horse.
275
00:18:53.340 --> 00:18:54.967
Oh, probably for the best.
276
00:18:55.801 --> 00:18:57.469
Um, what about you?
277
00:18:57.803 --> 00:18:58.929
Are you a clown?
278
00:18:59.012 --> 00:19:00.931
I mean, the makeup says clown,
279
00:19:01.014 --> 00:19:02.933
- but the hair--
- I'm a journalist.
280
00:19:03.142 --> 00:19:05.102
- Thank you very much.
- Well, perfect.
281
00:19:05.185 --> 00:19:07.354
I'll give you 20 minutes after this.
282
00:19:07.896 --> 00:19:09.773
Then we can do the interview, eh?
283
00:19:11.817 --> 00:19:13.694
Right. Well then, we'll have to audition!
284
00:19:13.777 --> 00:19:16.822
Everyone out to the car park.
I'll give you five minutes each.
285
00:19:16.905 --> 00:19:19.158
Glory awaits!
286
00:19:21.618 --> 00:19:24.121
We just want Funzo.
287
00:19:24.204 --> 00:19:28.041
If you want me, you're
gonna have to take on all of us.
288
00:19:28.125 --> 00:19:30.752
You fucked up now, Alan.
289
00:19:30.836 --> 00:19:32.838
Right, guys?
290
00:19:34.006 --> 00:19:36.258
- Who are you?
- Who's Alan?
291
00:19:36.884 --> 00:19:39.052
You owe me an ear, Funzo.
292
00:19:39.511 --> 00:19:40.888
You take Liberty.
293
00:19:40.971 --> 00:19:42.806
Leave Alan to me.
294
00:19:44.641 --> 00:19:45.726
Take them where?
295
00:19:46.727 --> 00:19:48.687
To Hell.
296
00:19:50.147 --> 00:19:51.148
Oh my God!
297
00:19:57.029 --> 00:20:00.407
You can't do this to me!
My comeback show is tomorrow!
298
00:20:00.532 --> 00:20:02.576
Ticket sales have been robust.
299
00:20:02.659 --> 00:20:03.827
Weird fuckers, come on!
300
00:20:03.911 --> 00:20:05.537
This is a violation of
my journalistic rights.
301
00:20:05.621 --> 00:20:08.040
You might as well curl off a hot one
right on the Geneva Convention.
302
00:20:08.207 --> 00:20:11.126
- Come on to fuck your...
- I want to be in her cell.
303
00:20:11.919 --> 00:20:13.629
I want to be in that cell.
304
00:20:26.850 --> 00:20:29.770
- Was that a tooth?
- Yeah, but it's not mine.
305
00:20:35.817 --> 00:20:39.321
Do you think maybe she's gone scary?
306
00:20:39.780 --> 00:20:43.575
So. What should we call our
clown troupe slash fight club?
307
00:20:44.201 --> 00:20:47.788
- I'm not a clown
- And I am not forming a troupe with you.
308
00:20:49.206 --> 00:20:51.583
I trained under the late Jean DuCoque.
309
00:20:51.708 --> 00:20:53.877
You look like a tramp
who lost at paintball.
310
00:20:54.086 --> 00:20:56.463
- I'm a street clown.
- Street clown?
311
00:20:56.546 --> 00:20:58.674
What is that?
That doesn't even mean anything.
312
00:20:58.757 --> 00:21:03.011
It means I learned my
shit on the streets.
313
00:21:03.262 --> 00:21:05.681
Not some fancy school with a roof on it.
314
00:21:05.973 --> 00:21:09.977
It means a clown for anyone,
any place, any time.
315
00:21:10.060 --> 00:21:14.523
Down an alley, under a bridge,
outside people's windows at night.
316
00:21:14.731 --> 00:21:16.441
I'll clown for you right now.
317
00:21:18.318 --> 00:21:19.778
Without so much as a warmup!
318
00:21:19.861 --> 00:21:21.822
Are you insane?
319
00:21:22.072 --> 00:21:24.825
What?
Never seen a neck trapeze before?
320
00:21:24.908 --> 00:21:27.536
- Oh, well that answers that.
- What did you say, DuCoque muncher?
321
00:21:27.619 --> 00:21:31.456
- You heard what I said you little lunatic!
- Just stop it, you poke at my face!
322
00:21:31.540 --> 00:21:34.668
Why don't you shut up, both of you?!
323
00:21:36.503 --> 00:21:39.298
This whole argument is pointless.
324
00:21:39.965 --> 00:21:42.968
Face it, the world doesn't
need clowns anymore.
325
00:21:44.011 --> 00:21:47.973
We're fax machines, we're travel agents.
326
00:21:49.558 --> 00:21:51.018
We're obsolete.
327
00:22:50.744 --> 00:22:51.787
What's that noise?
328
00:22:56.124 --> 00:22:57.292
Fucking hell!
329
00:23:03.548 --> 00:23:06.259
Funzo? What have you done?
Let them out please.
330
00:23:06.343 --> 00:23:09.471
We could, but then we'd also
be letting out all the rats.
331
00:23:09.554 --> 00:23:10.430
What rats?
332
00:23:10.514 --> 00:23:13.975
- The sack of rats I threw in there.
- We're gonna get you Funzo!
333
00:23:14.059 --> 00:23:16.061
You better sleep with one eye open!
334
00:23:16.144 --> 00:23:20.065
- It's cool. I already do.
- You'll never outrun us, Funzo.
335
00:23:20.148 --> 00:23:22.776
You can't escape. Oh my God,
there's one on my balls.
336
00:23:22.859 --> 00:23:24.111
There's one on my balls.
337
00:23:29.074 --> 00:23:31.993
Weird.
Where is everybody?
338
00:23:39.626 --> 00:23:41.545
Hello?
339
00:23:43.630 --> 00:23:46.049
Anybody!
340
00:23:55.517 --> 00:23:57.978
- My phone's dead.
- So's my beeper.
341
00:23:58.061 --> 00:23:59.604
So are my parents.
342
00:24:00.522 --> 00:24:02.607
But I had nothing to do with it.
343
00:24:07.654 --> 00:24:11.867
So when that thing comes back to life,
how about you give me your number?
344
00:24:11.950 --> 00:24:14.161
And we go for that fantastic hot dog.
345
00:24:14.619 --> 00:24:16.621
Bobo, there's not gonna be a hot dog.
346
00:24:18.039 --> 00:24:21.543
Oh, so you wanna get right down to it
like last time, do you?
347
00:24:22.002 --> 00:24:23.461
Last time was a mistake.
348
00:24:25.338 --> 00:24:29.342
A sweaty, sweaty mistake,
and I've regretted it ever since.
349
00:24:35.891 --> 00:24:37.267
Monsieur is still in there!
350
00:24:37.851 --> 00:24:39.269
How could they leave him?
351
00:24:39.352 --> 00:24:42.397
Trapped in a box, the irony!
352
00:24:45.025 --> 00:24:47.611
Damn it, the Scimitar
won't let me enter her.
353
00:24:48.320 --> 00:24:51.156
You! Journalist!
I've got a show to do!
354
00:24:51.239 --> 00:24:53.575
So I'm gonna have to
drive you in your car.
355
00:24:53.909 --> 00:24:56.703
I can give you that interview
you were asking for.
356
00:24:57.204 --> 00:24:58.997
Nothing electrical is working.
357
00:24:59.080 --> 00:25:01.208
Oh shit, really?
358
00:25:09.507 --> 00:25:12.260
What do you say, friend,
can you give us a lift?
359
00:25:12.802 --> 00:25:16.514
There is no way I'm giving a lift
to a talentless has-been,
360
00:25:17.349 --> 00:25:19.267
a homeless psychopath,
361
00:25:19.351 --> 00:25:23.396
and the woman
who broke my heart!
362
00:25:24.314 --> 00:25:26.733
Look, I've got a big show tonight
363
00:25:26.816 --> 00:25:28.693
and there's a juicy support slot,
364
00:25:28.777 --> 00:25:32.155
which I'm willing to dangle over
the muzzle of any slobbering clown
365
00:25:32.239 --> 00:25:35.575
- willing to do me a solid.
- I can do you a solid.
366
00:25:35.659 --> 00:25:38.620
How solid do you need?
367
00:25:38.954 --> 00:25:40.580
You know we've met before, right?
368
00:25:41.206 --> 00:25:44.626
We both came over here
to audition for the same TV show,
369
00:25:44.709 --> 00:25:47.504
and I spent every penny
I had on that ferry.
370
00:25:48.171 --> 00:25:50.632
And he saw me rehearse
backstage and stole my act.
371
00:25:51.216 --> 00:25:53.468
And the career.
It should have been mine.
372
00:25:53.760 --> 00:25:55.220
Oh, what we got here?
373
00:25:55.387 --> 00:25:56.888
Oh look, it's your whole act.
374
00:25:58.515 --> 00:26:00.267
Look, Boo Boo is it?
375
00:26:01.268 --> 00:26:05.230
Have you any idea how many lesser
clowns have accused me of stealing
376
00:26:05.313 --> 00:26:07.482
their shitty material over the years?
377
00:26:08.400 --> 00:26:12.195
It's not my fault you couldn't
make it on the big boy stage,
378
00:26:12.654 --> 00:26:15.824
but if you did want to make
a genuine contribution
379
00:26:15.907 --> 00:26:18.076
to our illustrious art form,
380
00:26:18.159 --> 00:26:20.662
then the best thing you can do
381
00:26:20.745 --> 00:26:25.959
is drive me to Dublin
so that I can do my show.
382
00:26:26.334 --> 00:26:27.419
Fuck the art form.
383
00:26:28.128 --> 00:26:32.424
Clowning is as dead to me as that boy
band who drowned in your gunge tank.
384
00:26:32.507 --> 00:26:36.011
There was only one of them.
There were no formal charges.
385
00:26:36.469 --> 00:26:37.512
Bobo.
386
00:26:37.804 --> 00:26:39.597
- Bobo.
- What?
387
00:26:40.181 --> 00:26:44.311
I'm sorry about what I said back there.
I don't actually want you to die.
388
00:26:45.812 --> 00:26:48.106
- But you didn't say that.
- Exactly.
389
00:26:48.273 --> 00:26:51.985
Listen,
there's something big going on here,
390
00:26:52.068 --> 00:26:54.237
and I think I know what it is,
391
00:26:54.321 --> 00:26:57.115
and if I'm right,
it's bigger than all of us.
392
00:26:57.741 --> 00:26:59.784
Now we need
to put our differences aside
393
00:26:59.868 --> 00:27:01.786
and get back home as soon as possible
394
00:27:01.870 --> 00:27:03.371
so I can write this story.
395
00:27:04.372 --> 00:27:05.415
I need this, Bobo.
396
00:27:06.499 --> 00:27:07.667
I need you.
397
00:27:11.421 --> 00:27:14.299
Is that, is that a picture
of me on your dashboard?
398
00:27:15.717 --> 00:27:17.802
Fine. Oi.
399
00:27:19.262 --> 00:27:22.432
We'll park this beef, because I don't
mind being the bigger man.
400
00:27:22.515 --> 00:27:24.684
You don't have to do that.
I'll be the bigger man.
401
00:27:24.768 --> 00:27:26.436
No, no, no, no.
I insist.
402
00:27:26.603 --> 00:27:28.605
- Let me be bigger.
- It's cool.
403
00:27:29.397 --> 00:27:34.527
I'm already bigger, so it's just easier
if we think of me as being the bigger man.
404
00:27:38.323 --> 00:27:41.659
Great. Now, how are we
gonna fit five of us in this thing?
405
00:27:42.911 --> 00:27:44.454
Make that six.
406
00:28:01.846 --> 00:28:05.600
- Nothing.
- Oh my God, these are terrible.
407
00:28:07.268 --> 00:28:09.229
Nothing like my act.
408
00:28:09.646 --> 00:28:11.648
Look at this one.
The jugglenaut.
409
00:28:11.731 --> 00:28:14.067
A tower of clowns on fire.
410
00:28:16.778 --> 00:28:18.321
I mean, it makes no sense.
411
00:28:19.197 --> 00:28:22.117
Can you please stop critiquing
my childhood dreams?
412
00:28:22.367 --> 00:28:26.871
I mean, the clown at the bottom would
need to be built like a garden shed.
413
00:28:26.955 --> 00:28:32.085
The one on the top would have to be insane
I mean, certifiably clinically insane.
414
00:28:32.544 --> 00:28:34.212
And as for the one in the middle,
415
00:28:34.295 --> 00:28:38.758
well, this clown would have to be
so still, it was if he were frozen solid.
416
00:28:39.134 --> 00:28:40.301
But above all that,
417
00:28:40.385 --> 00:28:44.139
these three would have to be
willing to die for one another.
418
00:28:44.681 --> 00:28:47.016
You ever met a clown you'd die for?
419
00:28:56.609 --> 00:28:57.777
Hey! Stop the car!
420
00:28:59.821 --> 00:29:01.698
Stop the car.
421
00:29:07.162 --> 00:29:08.204
Clown scum!
422
00:29:08.288 --> 00:29:09.789
Jesus fucking--
423
00:29:12.459 --> 00:29:13.501
Come on, please!
424
00:29:13.585 --> 00:29:15.545
Just one fucking
text message, anything!
425
00:29:17.714 --> 00:29:19.215
What's happening to everybody?
426
00:29:21.176 --> 00:29:22.343
Come back, you bastard.
427
00:29:22.886 --> 00:29:23.887
That's quilted.
428
00:29:24.637 --> 00:29:27.098
That's four-ply. I need that.
Come back!
429
00:29:27.724 --> 00:29:28.725
Come back!
430
00:29:32.353 --> 00:29:33.980
Wait. Stop the car.
431
00:29:34.522 --> 00:29:35.982
Maybe there's someone there.
432
00:29:36.065 --> 00:29:39.277
Oh, good call, Jennifer.
I could eat a horse's ass.
433
00:29:42.655 --> 00:29:45.742
Uh, Jennifer,
I'll have a tall latte, the mixed grill
434
00:29:45.825 --> 00:29:48.369
and some Trebor
Triple X mints please.
435
00:29:48.453 --> 00:29:50.371
Get it yourself, you boiled gammon.
436
00:29:56.586 --> 00:29:58.546
Look, I don't mean to pry,
437
00:29:58.630 --> 00:30:00.340
but does anyone ever tell you,
438
00:30:00.423 --> 00:30:03.635
you remind them of a certain
Stephen King novel?
439
00:30:03.718 --> 00:30:07.847
- What's a Stephen King novel?
- Right.
440
00:30:08.473 --> 00:30:10.099
Um, have you seen It?
441
00:30:10.391 --> 00:30:11.392
What?
442
00:30:11.684 --> 00:30:13.978
- It. It. Have you seen It?
- Have I seen what?
443
00:30:14.062 --> 00:30:16.940
It! It! Fuck.
It's a film. It!
444
00:30:17.023 --> 00:30:20.819
Yes, I've seen a film. I've seen, um...
445
00:30:20.902 --> 00:30:24.864
Babe: Pig in the City.
Changed my life.
446
00:30:25.406 --> 00:30:27.450
Yeah. All right. Well it's...
447
00:30:28.159 --> 00:30:32.580
It's like Babe, except instead of a pig,
it's a clown.
448
00:30:32.664 --> 00:30:34.833
And instead of really
wanting to herd sheep,
449
00:30:34.916 --> 00:30:37.001
he really wants to murder children.
450
00:30:37.919 --> 00:30:38.920
Cool!
451
00:30:41.214 --> 00:30:43.091
What was that?
452
00:30:45.593 --> 00:30:47.595
There is nothing left to steal.
453
00:30:48.263 --> 00:30:50.348
Just move on and you'll come to no harm.
454
00:30:50.431 --> 00:30:53.351
Stay calm.
I am a journalist. A good one.
455
00:30:53.434 --> 00:30:56.521
Leave this to me, Jennifer.
I know how to speak to perverts.
456
00:30:56.604 --> 00:31:00.567
Listen, by all means, have your filthy
way with him, but let the rest of us go.
457
00:31:00.692 --> 00:31:02.569
Oh my God. You're--
458
00:31:02.652 --> 00:31:03.903
You're...
459
00:31:05.029 --> 00:31:07.574
- You're bleeding slightly.
- It's nothing.
460
00:31:07.657 --> 00:31:10.076
No, I think-- I think it's, um...
I think it's something serious.
461
00:31:10.159 --> 00:31:12.161
We should take your shirt off right now.
462
00:31:12.370 --> 00:31:15.206
Listen to the man, Jenny.
There's nothing for us to steal.
463
00:31:15.290 --> 00:31:16.291
Let's go please.
464
00:31:16.749 --> 00:31:17.917
So you're a journalist?
465
00:31:18.501 --> 00:31:20.336
Written all over my face, huh?
466
00:31:20.420 --> 00:31:22.881
No. It was literally
the first thing you said.
467
00:31:23.590 --> 00:31:25.133
Yeah. Okay, um...
468
00:31:25.925 --> 00:31:27.385
What happened here?
469
00:31:28.928 --> 00:31:33.182
The flash in the sky,
everything stopped working.
470
00:31:34.058 --> 00:31:36.269
Sent people insane.
471
00:31:37.437 --> 00:31:41.858
They look like animals fighting
over snack boxes and condiments.
472
00:31:42.525 --> 00:31:44.235
And then we ran out supplies.
473
00:31:44.569 --> 00:31:46.112
They turned on each other.
474
00:31:46.779 --> 00:31:48.615
The sun. I knew it!
475
00:31:49.032 --> 00:31:52.869
Working nights in a burger
trailer in the midlands of Ireland.
476
00:31:53.828 --> 00:31:57.457
I thought I had seen the lowest
humanity could sink.
477
00:31:58.416 --> 00:31:59.751
But this...
478
00:31:59.959 --> 00:32:03.296
A few hours without
Wi-Fi and civilization has crumbled.
479
00:32:08.426 --> 00:32:10.011
What fresh hell is this?
480
00:32:11.095 --> 00:32:12.138
Hyah!
481
00:32:14.807 --> 00:32:15.808
Statues.
482
00:32:20.480 --> 00:32:22.440
I'll hold them back. Save yourselves!
483
00:32:25.360 --> 00:32:26.778
But I want to stay with you!
484
00:32:26.903 --> 00:32:29.238
- Go with your friends.
- They're not my friends.
485
00:32:29.322 --> 00:32:31.449
Fuck fuck, fuck!
Fuck, fuck fuck! Fuck fuck!
486
00:32:39.999 --> 00:32:41.000
Shit.
487
00:32:41.167 --> 00:32:44.754
If something happened to you.
I could never forgive myself.
488
00:32:45.171 --> 00:32:47.882
- Get in the clown car.
- I don't want to!
489
00:32:47.966 --> 00:32:49.050
Get in the clown car!
490
00:32:49.717 --> 00:32:51.177
Go, go, go!
491
00:32:59.435 --> 00:33:01.020
Put your bloody foot down!
492
00:33:02.313 --> 00:33:04.440
It's a wind-up car,
what do you expect?
493
00:33:07.610 --> 00:33:10.446
A solar flare!
I knew it! I was right.
494
00:33:10.571 --> 00:33:14.534
All those years of being called
a crank, a joke, a conspiracy nut,
495
00:33:14.742 --> 00:33:16.077
a flat chested virgin.
496
00:33:16.452 --> 00:33:18.287
Well, fuck you, Mum.
497
00:33:18.663 --> 00:33:19.998
Look at me now!
498
00:33:21.499 --> 00:33:25.920
Calm down and focus on me. Now if
we can just get on the road
499
00:33:26.004 --> 00:33:29.215
we'll have me back in time
for my sound check. Yes?
500
00:33:29.674 --> 00:33:32.301
- Didn't you hear what I said?
- Something about being a virgin?
501
00:33:32.385 --> 00:33:33.928
Just show some respect.
502
00:33:34.012 --> 00:33:36.973
- The lady is definitely not a virgin.
- Oh, shut up Bobo.
503
00:33:37.056 --> 00:33:38.641
Look.
504
00:33:38.725 --> 00:33:41.978
The country, the whole country,
maybe the world, has gone dark.
505
00:33:42.520 --> 00:33:45.273
A solar flare of this
magnitude will have blown out
506
00:33:45.356 --> 00:33:49.652
- power grids, comms, satellites.
- So no TV?
507
00:33:49.736 --> 00:33:53.197
No internet, no sound check!
508
00:33:53.281 --> 00:33:55.033
No Serbian pornography.
509
00:33:55.116 --> 00:34:00.455
Anything wireless, anything digital,
anything with a computer in it, basically,
510
00:34:00.538 --> 00:34:02.915
is as dead as the clown
on the roof of this car.
511
00:34:09.756 --> 00:34:12.717
Look! Some kids alone
by the side of the road!
512
00:34:12.800 --> 00:34:13.968
Stop the car!
513
00:34:14.052 --> 00:34:16.763
- Why? What are you going to do to them?
- Come on.
514
00:34:16.846 --> 00:34:20.808
We don't need computers,
or a fancy concert hall
515
00:34:20.892 --> 00:34:23.853
or parental consent to do a clown show.
516
00:34:24.353 --> 00:34:25.855
Those kids are gonna love it.
517
00:34:25.938 --> 00:34:26.939
Let's go.
518
00:34:27.023 --> 00:34:29.317
No. No, I don't do that any more.
519
00:34:30.318 --> 00:34:32.445
The world is ours now.
520
00:34:32.862 --> 00:34:34.572
Waaah!
521
00:34:38.034 --> 00:34:41.204
No, Funzo, stop!
Funzo, Leave them alone!
522
00:34:41.287 --> 00:34:43.581
Stop! Leave them alone!
523
00:34:46.292 --> 00:34:49.170
So what's our schtick?
Good clown, bad clown?
524
00:34:49.253 --> 00:34:50.588
Maybe we both go bad clown,
525
00:34:50.671 --> 00:34:53.091
- fuck with their heads a bit.
- Just leave them alone, yeah?
526
00:34:54.258 --> 00:34:57.220
It's called Street Clowning.
Watch and learn.
527
00:34:59.430 --> 00:35:03.434
Hey kids, I don't feel very well.
528
00:35:05.061 --> 00:35:08.439
I think I'm gonna...
529
00:35:24.664 --> 00:35:26.666
Okay.
I think I'm good.
530
00:35:28.960 --> 00:35:29.961
Halt!
531
00:35:31.796 --> 00:35:36.175
Who are you to approach our younglings
at eventide, painted fool?
532
00:35:37.093 --> 00:35:38.845
Oh, we were just--
533
00:35:40.638 --> 00:35:43.099
We mean your children no harm, crone.
534
00:35:43.474 --> 00:35:48.855
We are but weary travelers seeking to
lay our master to rest.
535
00:35:49.272 --> 00:35:52.483
- You're from the townlands?
- Yes, ugly wench.
536
00:35:52.942 --> 00:35:57.864
What remains of them. We
hear tell of a great doom.
537
00:35:58.489 --> 00:36:02.660
Indeed. A great darkness
has embraced our kingdom.
538
00:36:05.288 --> 00:36:09.876
Come, the cloud fire is low.
You must be hungry.
539
00:36:12.753 --> 00:36:14.422
What in God's name is going on?
540
00:36:15.089 --> 00:36:17.925
- I think she's gonna make us a feast.
- Oh fine.
541
00:36:18.384 --> 00:36:20.803
Our survival has been hard-won.
542
00:36:22.221 --> 00:36:25.558
This fellowship relies on the
ancient wisdom of our ancestors
543
00:36:26.058 --> 00:36:28.352
- from the Before Times.
- Yesterday?
544
00:36:28.603 --> 00:36:31.689
Now we grow Dustroot and Gelpwort.
545
00:36:32.565 --> 00:36:34.108
Hail fellow chieftain.
546
00:36:34.901 --> 00:36:38.946
Hey, sorry about Siobhan.
She's really fucking high.
547
00:36:40.781 --> 00:36:44.327
I'm Fintan. And you must be... clowns?
548
00:36:45.286 --> 00:36:48.581
Nope, not for me.
Retired from all that bollocks.
549
00:36:48.664 --> 00:36:52.960
I studied movement myself, actually.
Come, chill with us. Stay for the night.
550
00:36:53.252 --> 00:36:55.755
Come on, Siobhan,
we'll get you a glass of water.
551
00:36:56.130 --> 00:36:57.506
What is this place?
552
00:36:58.090 --> 00:36:59.800
We call it Xanadu.
553
00:37:01.552 --> 00:37:03.137
It's a boutique micro festival.
554
00:37:03.221 --> 00:37:06.140
Chill beats, ethical street food,
vibes for days.
555
00:37:06.224 --> 00:37:08.893
Or at least it was before the power cut.
556
00:37:09.769 --> 00:37:11.103
Now we're castaways.
557
00:37:11.437 --> 00:37:15.650
All our Priuses are dead,
we've had to ration our food,
558
00:37:15.733 --> 00:37:17.526
collect rainwater.
559
00:37:18.361 --> 00:37:21.781
But we still have a veritable
cornucopia of class A drugs.
560
00:37:21.864 --> 00:37:23.532
Ah, drugs, you say?
561
00:37:23.616 --> 00:37:26.661
Well, maybe this evening
doesn't need to be a total loss.
562
00:37:27.245 --> 00:37:29.747
You know, Angus Deayton
used to call me The Dyson.
563
00:37:31.582 --> 00:37:34.418
Here we are. Lodgings for the night.
564
00:37:34.502 --> 00:37:36.003
Real Himalayan vibes.
565
00:37:36.462 --> 00:37:39.215
- I hope you don't mind sharing tents.
- No, that's fine.
566
00:37:39.298 --> 00:37:40.424
How about, uh...
567
00:37:40.508 --> 00:37:42.051
me and Jenny take this one,
568
00:37:42.176 --> 00:37:45.554
and the lesser males share with Funzo.
569
00:37:45.888 --> 00:37:48.599
Sounds good.
Come on, let me show you my salt lamp.
570
00:37:48.808 --> 00:37:49.809
Oi.
571
00:37:50.685 --> 00:37:52.812
Can we have a word,
mano to mano?
572
00:37:53.604 --> 00:37:54.605
Eh?
573
00:37:55.856 --> 00:37:58.818
Look, we're both alpha clowns.
I get it, I get it, I get it.
574
00:37:59.777 --> 00:38:00.987
Rival silverbacks.
575
00:38:01.821 --> 00:38:04.865
Two bull walruses stinking up the beach
with our battle musk.
576
00:38:05.533 --> 00:38:08.160
But I want to save you some
embarrassment here, buddy.
577
00:38:10.037 --> 00:38:13.749
Jenny is off the menu.
578
00:38:16.377 --> 00:38:18.796
If we are both walruses, Booboo,
579
00:38:19.255 --> 00:38:22.174
I think it's pretty clear who
the beach master is.
580
00:38:23.259 --> 00:38:25.886
'Cause when you're
the fattest thing on the sand
581
00:38:26.971 --> 00:38:32.226
you don't have to steal anything.
It all just comes waddling towards you.
582
00:38:41.527 --> 00:38:43.321
Governments were warned.
583
00:38:43.404 --> 00:38:47.366
...satellite communications were--
nanas, bananas-- toilet paper...
584
00:38:48.075 --> 00:38:50.202
Can you believe this thing actually works?
585
00:38:50.286 --> 00:38:52.330
Kids'll watch anything
with a screen.
586
00:38:52.413 --> 00:38:55.833
That's live?
But how is he broadcasting?
587
00:38:57.376 --> 00:38:59.587
He must have an analogue
OB transmitter or...
588
00:38:59.670 --> 00:39:01.005
You have to hear me.
589
00:39:02.298 --> 00:39:03.632
This isn't over, people.
590
00:39:03.758 --> 00:39:05.134
Christ, is that Tim?
591
00:39:05.509 --> 00:39:07.470
How did that charlatan get on the TV?
592
00:39:08.763 --> 00:39:11.891
- You know that man?
- That's Tim from Bromanz.
593
00:39:11.974 --> 00:39:14.643
He and his brother
were in a hot boy band.
594
00:39:15.144 --> 00:39:18.230
- Bromanz.
- Brothers, but also men.
595
00:39:18.314 --> 00:39:21.192
Spelled with a zed
because it was the nineties.
596
00:39:21.609 --> 00:39:24.653
He moved into a fallout bunker
and became a recluse.
597
00:39:25.112 --> 00:39:28.657
We used to party with the Lighthouse
Family back in the good old days.
598
00:39:29.325 --> 00:39:30.618
You know where he lives?
599
00:39:30.701 --> 00:39:32.953
I need to meet him,
find out what he knows.
600
00:39:33.037 --> 00:39:34.246
Oh, he'll never talk.
601
00:39:34.747 --> 00:39:36.999
And neither will
the Lighthouse Family.
602
00:39:37.291 --> 00:39:39.085
About the solar flare, you idiot.
603
00:39:39.585 --> 00:39:41.754
Maybe he can shed some light
on what's going on.
604
00:39:41.837 --> 00:39:44.632
- He could be the key to my story.
- Maybe.
605
00:39:44.840 --> 00:39:47.051
How come you know so
much about transmitters?
606
00:39:47.259 --> 00:39:49.220
I actually grew up in a broadcast van.
607
00:39:49.303 --> 00:39:52.098
My mother would just leave me
there for hours at a time
608
00:39:52.181 --> 00:39:54.767
with a bowl of water
and the window slightly open.
609
00:39:54.975 --> 00:39:56.310
Well then,
610
00:39:56.394 --> 00:39:58.729
I think perhaps, Jennifer,
611
00:39:58.813 --> 00:40:02.817
you and I should pay Tim
from Bromanz a little visit.
612
00:40:02.900 --> 00:40:05.986
Sorry to tell you this.
Word has reached me from Dublin.
613
00:40:06.153 --> 00:40:07.488
It's just as I predicted.
614
00:40:08.072 --> 00:40:09.573
Society has collapsed.
615
00:40:09.907 --> 00:40:11.617
There's looting, there's killing.
616
00:40:12.201 --> 00:40:15.704
There's rioting on the streets.
People have turned against one another.
617
00:40:15.996 --> 00:40:18.791
- The government are doing nothing.
618
00:40:19.875 --> 00:40:21.168
This just in...
619
00:40:21.710 --> 00:40:23.671
Garth Brooks is dead.
620
00:40:26.298 --> 00:40:27.299
Fuck.
621
00:40:28.300 --> 00:40:32.096
- Dublin has fallen!
- Oh my god, my children!
622
00:40:32.221 --> 00:40:34.598
We have to do something!
623
00:40:35.850 --> 00:40:36.976
So lads...
624
00:40:37.059 --> 00:40:38.519
If I'm being honest,
625
00:40:39.395 --> 00:40:41.647
it's hard to know what
tomorrow's gonna bring,
626
00:40:41.730 --> 00:40:43.732
but we still have tonight, right?
627
00:40:44.400 --> 00:40:46.569
And while we might be running low on hope,
628
00:40:46.652 --> 00:40:48.028
we still have a pretty decent supply
629
00:40:48.112 --> 00:40:50.030
of some other essentials,
if you know what I mean.
630
00:40:50.114 --> 00:40:53.784
So let's all raise a glass
and let the world know
631
00:40:53.868 --> 00:40:56.579
that we're absolutely sending it tonight!
632
00:40:56.662 --> 00:40:58.372
This is our boutique festival.
633
00:40:58.456 --> 00:40:59.457
Yeah!
634
00:40:59.582 --> 00:41:00.708
And we're not afraid!
635
00:41:02.418 --> 00:41:04.920
Yes.
636
00:41:05.045 --> 00:41:06.881
Wait, wait. What's in this?
637
00:41:07.214 --> 00:41:10.259
Hard to say, but if I had to
estimate a street value
638
00:41:10.342 --> 00:41:12.678
I'd say about three, four hundred quid.
639
00:41:47.713 --> 00:41:50.508
I don't like this.
I don't like this.
640
00:41:52.551 --> 00:41:54.887
I don't like this.
I don't like this.
641
00:41:57.056 --> 00:41:59.892
Bury me with dignity,
you talentless buffoon.
642
00:42:00.226 --> 00:42:05.731
I will! You'll be in Père Lachaise
with the Masters in a proper grave.
643
00:42:06.190 --> 00:42:07.691
Dug by a professional.
644
00:42:07.983 --> 00:42:10.069
You will never be a true clown.
645
00:42:11.445 --> 00:42:13.113
No.
646
00:42:13.197 --> 00:42:14.698
No!
647
00:42:18.035 --> 00:42:20.329
No!
648
00:42:23.165 --> 00:42:24.458
Bobo!
649
00:42:30.089 --> 00:42:33.384
Oh, isn't this amazing!
650
00:42:33.467 --> 00:42:35.761
These are the best people!
651
00:42:36.720 --> 00:42:37.972
Oh, look at us.
652
00:42:38.639 --> 00:42:40.808
Doing what we love.
653
00:42:40.891 --> 00:42:43.352
Me, a real journalist.
654
00:42:43.435 --> 00:42:46.313
Following leads. Getting the story.
655
00:42:46.564 --> 00:42:48.941
And you!
656
00:42:50.985 --> 00:42:55.739
Can you feel your thumbs? I'm really
conscious of my thumbs for some reason.
657
00:42:55.948 --> 00:42:59.535
Such a shame you're not a clown any more.
You were so good.
658
00:43:00.202 --> 00:43:01.203
Really?
659
00:43:01.328 --> 00:43:03.998
Yeah. Yeah. At the show where we met.
660
00:43:04.748 --> 00:43:07.167
- Did you like that?
- Oh my God. Oh my God.
661
00:43:07.251 --> 00:43:10.296
You should do a show for all these people.
They would love it.
662
00:43:10.671 --> 00:43:14.508
It's like Funzo said,
the world is yours now.
663
00:43:15.009 --> 00:43:17.886
Alright then, I will!
I'll be a clown again.
664
00:43:18.554 --> 00:43:21.265
- I'll do a show.
- Yeah! Do you have any gum?
665
00:43:23.392 --> 00:43:26.604
A show, you say? Great idea, Jennifer.
666
00:43:27.021 --> 00:43:28.022
A clown-off.
667
00:43:28.897 --> 00:43:31.275
Let's see whether Booboo has
got anything in his little book
668
00:43:31.358 --> 00:43:36.530
that can hold up under the crushing
weight of my enormous talent.
669
00:43:36.822 --> 00:43:39.950
Yeah! Yeah.
You should do the trick in your book.
670
00:43:40.159 --> 00:43:43.537
The one Alphonso said was fucking stupid.
671
00:43:46.081 --> 00:43:47.541
What, the Jugglenaut?
672
00:43:55.132 --> 00:43:58.636
I am a business man.
I am a business man!
673
00:43:59.178 --> 00:44:02.848
I am a business man!
674
00:44:04.350 --> 00:44:05.351
I need your help.
675
00:44:06.185 --> 00:44:07.811
I'm a business man.
676
00:44:08.896 --> 00:44:10.731
We could never do that!
677
00:44:10.856 --> 00:44:12.608
We'd go down in flames!
678
00:44:12.691 --> 00:44:15.486
Or in history,
as true clowning legends.
679
00:44:15.944 --> 00:44:19.782
- I thought you were done with clowning.
- No, the world was done with clowning.
680
00:44:19.865 --> 00:44:23.494
It moved on to TikTok dances and
live streaming hand jobs on the dark web.
681
00:44:23.577 --> 00:44:25.871
- Ah!
- And none of that works now.
682
00:44:26.413 --> 00:44:29.333
Everything is obsolete except us.
683
00:44:30.167 --> 00:44:32.086
This is our moment.
Can't you see?
684
00:44:32.878 --> 00:44:36.340
This is our opportunity to
clown like the masters before us.
685
00:44:37.508 --> 00:44:41.053
Grimaldi. Gaullier
686
00:44:41.136 --> 00:44:42.888
- McDonald
- No, not McDonald.
687
00:44:42.971 --> 00:44:44.390
- DuCoque!
- DuCoque.
688
00:44:46.100 --> 00:44:48.352
Okay, we're forming a troupe.
689
00:44:48.727 --> 00:44:51.230
No, we're just gonna do
this one trick and then...
690
00:44:51.313 --> 00:44:54.108
I'm reasonably confident
I don't have hepatitis any more.
691
00:44:54.191 --> 00:44:55.401
Okay, I'm not touching that.
692
00:44:55.484 --> 00:44:58.112
You don't touch it,
you spread it on your asshole.
693
00:44:58.946 --> 00:45:01.573
Will you excuse us for one second please?
694
00:45:01.740 --> 00:45:02.741
Sure.
695
00:45:03.659 --> 00:45:06.203
That clown has gone fully scary.
696
00:45:07.037 --> 00:45:09.540
And we both know there is
no coming back from that.
697
00:45:09.623 --> 00:45:12.292
So what should we call our troupe?
698
00:45:13.043 --> 00:45:17.631
I know.
How about Clown-pedo?
699
00:45:18.590 --> 00:45:21.009
You know, like a torpedo of clowns?
700
00:45:22.219 --> 00:45:24.596
Look, this is a three clown trick.
701
00:45:24.888 --> 00:45:26.640
Are you in or not?
702
00:45:28.392 --> 00:45:31.687
Ladies and jellybeans,
703
00:45:31.770 --> 00:45:35.399
stamp your footsies
and wiggle your ears
704
00:45:35.482 --> 00:45:38.694
for the silliest billy around,
705
00:45:38.777 --> 00:45:42.531
The Great Alphonso!
706
00:45:42.614 --> 00:45:44.783
Yeah!
707
00:45:45.534 --> 00:45:48.328
Hey, but where are the audience?
708
00:45:48.412 --> 00:45:49.663
Hello audience?
709
00:45:50.289 --> 00:45:51.290
Hello?
710
00:45:52.207 --> 00:45:53.208
Audience!
711
00:45:54.126 --> 00:45:56.044
Ah, I have an idea.
712
00:45:56.128 --> 00:45:58.714
You haven't had an
original idea in your life.
713
00:45:58.797 --> 00:46:00.841
You skit-stealing fuckpipe.
714
00:46:01.800 --> 00:46:03.886
Ah, there you are!
715
00:46:03.969 --> 00:46:07.347
You will never be a true clown.
716
00:46:08.432 --> 00:46:11.602
Yeah, I might need to take
a rain check on this show.
717
00:46:11.685 --> 00:46:16.607
It's just, um, oh, this is not really my,
my crowd, but, um, uh, break a leg, guys.
718
00:46:16.690 --> 00:46:18.775
I am sure you're going to smash it, so...
719
00:46:18.859 --> 00:46:20.736
- Wait!
- Hey!
720
00:46:20.986 --> 00:46:23.197
We've come too far
for you to wuss out now.
721
00:46:23.280 --> 00:46:26.366
This is our chance to
win back the woman that I love,
722
00:46:26.450 --> 00:46:30.329
and have our revenge
on my nemesis, Alphonso.
723
00:46:31.872 --> 00:46:34.208
So what do you say, my friends? Hm?
724
00:46:35.417 --> 00:46:38.337
Are we in this together or what?
725
00:46:40.631 --> 00:46:42.591
Yeah. I'm still gonna sit this one out.
726
00:46:42.674 --> 00:46:45.969
- Say the magic words.
- Five second call, fellas.
727
00:46:46.136 --> 00:46:48.555
I hope I don't fall in this pie!
728
00:46:50.807 --> 00:46:53.852
- It's just started.
- Yeah. But I spiked his pie.
729
00:46:53.936 --> 00:46:55.687
- With what?
- With spikes.
730
00:46:59.149 --> 00:47:00.817
Showtime!
731
00:47:00.901 --> 00:47:04.154
Ladies and gentlemen!
732
00:47:05.405 --> 00:47:06.698
Shut up a sec.
733
00:47:06.782 --> 00:47:10.202
- Jesus Christ, my eye!
- Funzo what the bloody hell have you done?
734
00:47:10.285 --> 00:47:11.578
Help me! My beautiful eye!
735
00:47:11.662 --> 00:47:16.124
- Jesus Christ.
- The ciliary muscle has been compromised!
736
00:47:16.291 --> 00:47:19.836
So what we're going to do now is a trick
I know. So hope you enjoy.
737
00:47:19.920 --> 00:47:21.213
Pepe, hup!
738
00:47:21.797 --> 00:47:23.382
Get out of the way!
739
00:47:23.465 --> 00:47:24.633
Pepe, I said hup.
740
00:47:24.716 --> 00:47:27.386
He's bottled it. Time to go to Plan B.
741
00:47:27.469 --> 00:47:30.514
- Plan B? We haven't got a Plan B.
- Hi everybody!
742
00:47:30.597 --> 00:47:32.849
Who wants to die?
743
00:47:34.601 --> 00:47:38.397
With laughter!
I meant to say with laughter.
744
00:47:38.480 --> 00:47:40.941
Oh, and this was supposed to be a flower.
745
00:47:41.108 --> 00:47:43.068
Uh, who likes dancing?
746
00:47:43.443 --> 00:47:45.529
Yeah. Don't go.
747
00:47:46.530 --> 00:47:50.617
♪If you're happy and you know it,
Clap your hands. Oi! Oi! ♪
748
00:47:50.784 --> 00:47:53.453
♪ If you're happy and you know it,
Clap your hands ♪
749
00:47:53.537 --> 00:47:55.289
- Put the knife down please.
- What?
750
00:47:55.372 --> 00:47:56.748
♪ If you're happy and you know it ♪
751
00:47:56.832 --> 00:47:59.293
- ♪ And you really want to show it ♪
752
00:48:03.505 --> 00:48:05.465
Oh, Funzo!
753
00:48:10.470 --> 00:48:13.348
Rain hell!
754
00:48:13.432 --> 00:48:14.474
Run!
755
00:48:40.334 --> 00:48:43.712
Jenny!
756
00:49:07.611 --> 00:49:09.321
Good morning, lazybones.
757
00:49:09.988 --> 00:49:12.074
- What happened? Where are we going?
- Paris.
758
00:49:12.157 --> 00:49:14.326
We're going to steal a yacht
and take DuCoque home.
759
00:49:14.409 --> 00:49:16.495
What?
No, no, we have to go after Jenny.
760
00:49:16.745 --> 00:49:18.121
Why would we do that?
761
00:49:18.205 --> 00:49:20.707
Because Alphonso kidnapped her,
you turquoise dick.
762
00:49:20.791 --> 00:49:22.125
- Now turn around!
- No! Stop!
763
00:49:22.209 --> 00:49:24.711
- You're gonna get us killed.
- No, you're gonna get us killed.
764
00:49:24.795 --> 00:49:27.464
No, I'm going to get us killed.
Yeah!
765
00:49:29.216 --> 00:49:31.259
Let women drive!
766
00:49:33.887 --> 00:49:34.888
Oh shit.
767
00:49:39.643 --> 00:49:40.644
Oh, fantastic.
768
00:49:42.187 --> 00:49:44.022
Well, looks like we're walking.
769
00:49:44.690 --> 00:49:48.068
- They can't have gone far.
- No, we can't just leave Monsieur here.
770
00:49:48.652 --> 00:49:50.278
Uh, we can, and we should
771
00:49:50.362 --> 00:49:52.823
because he's starting
to smell like a chef's ass.
772
00:49:53.573 --> 00:49:54.991
Right. Which way's North?
773
00:49:55.492 --> 00:49:57.619
I think you're supposed to follow the sun.
774
00:49:58.453 --> 00:50:01.331
And are we following the sun
or are we following your dick?
775
00:50:01.998 --> 00:50:06.628
Jenny is in danger and I need to rescue
her from that fat nonce.
776
00:50:07.170 --> 00:50:09.381
Do you though?
I mean they looked pretty cozy
777
00:50:09.464 --> 00:50:11.633
on the back of that
emotional support horse.
778
00:50:12.759 --> 00:50:15.721
Right. You two can either
come with me and be heroes,
779
00:50:16.555 --> 00:50:19.182
or you can starve out here
and end up like your hero.
780
00:50:23.061 --> 00:50:25.856
- Fine. We'll follow the sun.
- Hmm.
781
00:50:25.939 --> 00:50:28.900
but when we reach it,
I am coming back for DuCoque.
782
00:50:34.740 --> 00:50:37.409
This is just troupe banter, right?
783
00:50:37.701 --> 00:50:39.494
We'd never split up, right?
784
00:50:40.787 --> 00:50:43.874
Nah. Clown-pedo is 'til death.
785
00:50:46.501 --> 00:50:47.753
Wait for me!
786
00:50:48.378 --> 00:50:50.589
Hyah!
787
00:50:50.672 --> 00:50:54.134
Onward trusty steed and away!
788
00:50:58.388 --> 00:51:04.311
Yes, me and Tim from Bromanz used to
stagger back here drunk once a fortnight.
789
00:51:04.561 --> 00:51:08.064
God, I know this old place
like the back of his head.
790
00:51:11.902 --> 00:51:14.488
How are you so perky?
Didn't you lose an eye?
791
00:51:14.821 --> 00:51:17.491
I took a handful of these.
792
00:51:17.574 --> 00:51:19.451
I don't know exactly what they are,
793
00:51:19.534 --> 00:51:22.621
but they're actually making me
prefer having just the one eye.
794
00:51:24.414 --> 00:51:27.626
Tim from Bromanz,
as I live and breathe.
795
00:51:27.709 --> 00:51:30.462
You won't be doing either for long
if you don't identify yourself.
796
00:51:30.545 --> 00:51:35.550
Tim it's me, Alphonso. Fonzie Bear.
The Fondler.
797
00:51:36.051 --> 00:51:40.514
- Al? I haven't seen you since...
- The after party.
798
00:51:42.682 --> 00:51:43.850
Who's your friend?
799
00:51:44.518 --> 00:51:48.230
Jenny Malone. Viral Load Media.
I'm a journalist.
800
00:51:48.313 --> 00:51:50.273
Wasn't there that evening.
I left before nine.
801
00:51:50.357 --> 00:51:53.193
I swear to God, there was nothing
going on that I knew about anyway.
802
00:51:53.276 --> 00:51:55.153
Tim, it's not about that.
803
00:51:55.320 --> 00:51:59.032
Jennifer here has got a theory
about what's happened to the world
804
00:51:59.491 --> 00:52:01.952
and we think you could help us.
805
00:52:02.035 --> 00:52:04.746
Oh, hello?
806
00:52:05.038 --> 00:52:06.665
Oh, hello doggy.
807
00:52:07.332 --> 00:52:09.876
Hello. You're so cute.
Yes you are.
808
00:52:11.336 --> 00:52:13.380
- Can we come in?
- Uh...
809
00:52:13.463 --> 00:52:15.507
Sure that's a yes.
Thank you.
810
00:52:19.886 --> 00:52:20.887
Shakira.
811
00:52:21.680 --> 00:52:22.681
Come on.
812
00:52:26.268 --> 00:52:29.813
Poor thing's very sick.
Got her on heavy sedatives.
813
00:52:30.730 --> 00:52:35.235
She's been with me through it all.
The fame, the fall.
814
00:52:36.820 --> 00:52:40.282
Years of people
calling me a tinfoil hat wanker.
815
00:52:41.241 --> 00:52:43.326
She's all I've got now.
816
00:52:43.410 --> 00:52:45.579
Ah, Rolf!
817
00:52:46.955 --> 00:52:51.751
Dreadful pervert, of course.
But by God could that man draw a kangaroo.
818
00:52:51.918 --> 00:52:54.129
Good girl, Shakira.
819
00:52:54.629 --> 00:52:58.133
- We saw your broadcast.
- I didn't think it was reaching anyone.
820
00:52:58.592 --> 00:53:01.261
- I know what's happening. It's a--
- Solar flare.
821
00:53:02.220 --> 00:53:04.556
Exactly.
822
00:53:04.931 --> 00:53:06.683
Good old Flex!
823
00:53:06.766 --> 00:53:09.227
You know I was friends
with all of the Gladiators.
824
00:53:09.311 --> 00:53:11.813
Yes. All except for Pegasus.
825
00:53:12.439 --> 00:53:16.860
Let's just say I plowed his wife
and uh, we'll leave it at that.
826
00:53:17.277 --> 00:53:19.446
Traitors, the bloody lot of them.
827
00:53:20.572 --> 00:53:23.950
How are we not prepared for this?
The government must have known.
828
00:53:24.034 --> 00:53:25.035
Of course they knew.
829
00:53:25.410 --> 00:53:28.496
They've known for years.
They wanted this to happen.
830
00:53:29.998 --> 00:53:31.124
All of this...
831
00:53:31.958 --> 00:53:33.460
this is only the beginning.
832
00:53:34.753 --> 00:53:38.298
What I'm about to tell you goes deeper
than you could possibly imagine.
833
00:53:39.299 --> 00:53:42.260
But before I start...
834
00:53:42.344 --> 00:53:44.554
does anyone want tea?
835
00:53:47.557 --> 00:53:48.934
Milk?
836
00:53:50.477 --> 00:53:53.271
It's UHT Milk.
Is that okay?
837
00:53:54.940 --> 00:53:57.317
Sugar.
One? Two?
838
00:53:58.151 --> 00:54:00.862
One for you. Two for you.
Both with milk.
839
00:54:00.946 --> 00:54:02.948
Do you know what?
I'll just put everything on a tray,
840
00:54:03.031 --> 00:54:05.533
and bring it out.
You can make your own.
841
00:54:19.631 --> 00:54:21.758
It goes on and on.
842
00:54:22.550 --> 00:54:25.428
I can't take much more of this.
I'm so hungry.
843
00:54:26.554 --> 00:54:28.473
Why aren't there any bistros?
844
00:54:29.474 --> 00:54:30.558
I give up.
845
00:54:35.188 --> 00:54:36.439
Jenny doesn't love me.
846
00:54:37.190 --> 00:54:38.775
She was on ecstasy.
847
00:54:40.694 --> 00:54:42.445
What the hell was I thinking?
848
00:54:48.535 --> 00:54:54.249
Hey. I know things look really bleak
right now, but that's just because
849
00:54:54.332 --> 00:54:56.167
things are really bleak right now.
850
00:55:00.422 --> 00:55:01.923
It's time to face facts.
851
00:55:03.508 --> 00:55:04.718
I'm a terrible clown.
852
00:55:07.554 --> 00:55:10.348
Yeah, yeah, you are.
853
00:55:12.809 --> 00:55:14.310
Oh, like you're any better?
854
00:55:14.394 --> 00:55:15.520
What good is all that training
855
00:55:15.603 --> 00:55:17.605
if you can't get on stage
without browning your trousers?
856
00:55:18.023 --> 00:55:20.817
Lots of great artists
struggled in their early years.
857
00:55:20.900 --> 00:55:21.901
Early years?
858
00:55:22.027 --> 00:55:24.070
How long you gonna
be chasing this dream?
859
00:55:24.154 --> 00:55:26.448
Ten years. I'm going to chase
the dream for ten years and then,
860
00:55:26.531 --> 00:55:29.242
- I'm just gonna live the dream.
- Oh, cool. Didn't realize you had a plan.
861
00:55:29.325 --> 00:55:30.827
- Yep.
- That changes everything.
862
00:55:30.910 --> 00:55:33.121
It does, doesn't it?
Just stick to your plan,
863
00:55:33.204 --> 00:55:35.081
believe in yourself,
and never give up.
864
00:55:37.333 --> 00:55:39.461
That's what all the great clowns did.
865
00:55:41.004 --> 00:55:42.505
I mean, sure, there's...
866
00:55:43.131 --> 00:55:47.302
millions of deluded people out there who
believe in themselves and should give up.
867
00:55:49.679 --> 00:55:50.930
But I'm not one of them.
868
00:55:52.849 --> 00:55:54.350
I'm in that first category.
869
00:55:55.226 --> 00:55:58.438
That's something I've always
known deep in my heart.
870
00:56:01.733 --> 00:56:04.152
And your heart can't be wrong, can it?
871
00:56:15.205 --> 00:56:16.206
Oh, fuck.
872
00:56:20.877 --> 00:56:24.380
Hey, put that back on! You are a
DuCoque-trained buffoon!
873
00:56:25.757 --> 00:56:26.758
I'm not.
874
00:56:28.134 --> 00:56:32.305
I trained under him for three minutes
and I was so bad that he died.
875
00:56:32.847 --> 00:56:35.475
But you're such a pretentious wanker.
876
00:56:36.101 --> 00:56:38.520
- I'm self-taught.
- It doesn't matter.
877
00:56:38.603 --> 00:56:40.688
We're not giving up.
We're a troupe.
878
00:56:42.023 --> 00:56:43.024
Aren't we?
879
00:56:44.442 --> 00:56:45.777
This is our time.
880
00:56:45.860 --> 00:56:47.112
You said it yourself.
881
00:56:47.612 --> 00:56:49.197
This isn't our time.
882
00:56:50.198 --> 00:56:53.159
I only said that cause I needed
your help to impress Jenny.
883
00:56:54.452 --> 00:56:56.037
The world doesn't need us.
884
00:56:57.247 --> 00:56:58.748
It never needed us.
885
00:56:58.832 --> 00:57:02.377
It would be better for everyone if we all
just sit down and quietly die.
886
00:57:02.460 --> 00:57:03.920
We are not all going to die.
887
00:57:04.045 --> 00:57:06.548
One of us will die
and the other two will eat him.
888
00:57:06.631 --> 00:57:07.799
That's you, Pepe.
889
00:57:08.675 --> 00:57:11.344
Oh, there she is.
Welcome back, It.
890
00:57:11.970 --> 00:57:14.472
- What's that supposed to mean?
- Oh, come on Funzo.
891
00:57:14.556 --> 00:57:16.266
We all know what you are.
892
00:57:16.349 --> 00:57:18.852
- Don't you say the S word.
- Oh, don't say the S word.
893
00:57:18.935 --> 00:57:22.439
What else would you call a clown
who asks children if they want to die?
894
00:57:23.440 --> 00:57:26.734
- A trailblazer who lives on the edge?
- You live in a sewer.
895
00:57:26.818 --> 00:57:28.361
Where else was I gonna go, huh?
896
00:57:28.445 --> 00:57:30.905
Back to the sanitarium?
I don't think so.
897
00:57:30.989 --> 00:57:33.908
Are you even listening to yourself?
You are a walking Halloween costume.
898
00:57:33.992 --> 00:57:36.578
You are what children check for
under their bed at night.
899
00:57:36.661 --> 00:57:39.998
- Don't do it, Pepe.
- No! She needs to know.
900
00:57:40.540 --> 00:57:45.128
Funzo. You are a scary clown.
901
00:57:45.211 --> 00:57:49.799
I'm not a fucking scary clown.
902
00:57:51.551 --> 00:57:54.262
Yes you are, but you don't scare me
you little bastard.
903
00:57:54.721 --> 00:57:56.764
Then lets settle this the clown way.
904
00:57:58.683 --> 00:58:00.935
Last one to die wins.
905
00:58:01.478 --> 00:58:03.813
- Since when is that the clown way?
- Calm down.
906
00:58:03.897 --> 00:58:06.024
I'm going to wear your skin as a cape.
907
00:58:06.608 --> 00:58:10.695
Set the table, Bobo. Tonight we feast on
wussy-wussy puss-puss.
908
00:58:20.747 --> 00:58:25.168
My God, I am a scary clown.
909
00:58:25.460 --> 00:58:30.215
I'm really glad you had a breakthrough,
but there's a fucking knife in my hand.
910
00:58:30.340 --> 00:58:33.259
- Do I push or pull? Push or pull?
- Pull, obviously.
911
00:58:40.558 --> 00:58:44.812
Hey, that car looks just
like yours, what are the chances?
912
00:58:45.271 --> 00:58:47.190
Oh fuck off.
913
00:59:14.968 --> 00:59:18.846
Now that we're on our knees, they
can roll out whatever protocols
914
00:59:18.930 --> 00:59:21.683
they want with zero resistance.
915
00:59:22.183 --> 00:59:23.977
We're like ducks...
916
00:59:24.227 --> 00:59:25.395
...in a vice.
917
00:59:26.729 --> 00:59:27.855
Quack.
918
00:59:28.439 --> 00:59:30.650
It's all so obvious.
919
00:59:31.067 --> 00:59:33.111
They're gonna let society eat itself.
920
00:59:33.570 --> 00:59:36.656
We need to get this information
out there before it's too late.
921
00:59:37.031 --> 00:59:40.994
I've been trying, but my transmitter
won't reach more than 20 to 30 miles.
922
00:59:41.077 --> 00:59:44.831
So we need a mast,
like 50 or 60 feet high.
923
00:59:45.415 --> 00:59:47.667
We could bring the truth
to the whole country.
924
00:59:48.334 --> 00:59:51.504
I have a pretty big one,
and as it happens it's still erect.
925
00:59:52.046 --> 00:59:53.548
It's in here somewhere.
926
00:59:56.259 --> 00:59:59.178
This is my big top.
927
00:59:59.262 --> 01:00:02.932
Now it hasn't been used in years,
but the main mast is still standing,
928
01:00:03.016 --> 01:00:04.559
proud and tall.
929
01:00:04.892 --> 01:00:06.269
Like a penis.
930
01:00:06.936 --> 01:00:08.396
This is perfect, Tim.
931
01:00:08.688 --> 01:00:11.441
I rig your transmitter to this
mast and then you and me
932
01:00:11.524 --> 01:00:13.651
could present an emergency report.
933
01:00:13.901 --> 01:00:14.944
We could save lives.
934
01:00:15.361 --> 01:00:17.905
No, no, no.
935
01:00:17.989 --> 01:00:19.657
Shakira is very sick.
936
01:00:20.325 --> 01:00:22.869
I can't leave her.
She's an indoor dog.
937
01:00:23.953 --> 01:00:26.956
She hasn't left here in 15 years,
and neither have I.
938
01:00:27.040 --> 01:00:29.292
Tim, I need you to be brave.
939
01:00:30.126 --> 01:00:31.878
The people need you.
940
01:00:31.961 --> 01:00:34.922
Just like your brother needed
an identical version of hims--
941
01:00:35.006 --> 01:00:36.174
My brother is dead.
942
01:00:37.759 --> 01:00:40.887
I'm sorry, I'm just not up for this.
943
01:00:42.055 --> 01:00:44.766
If not for us, Tim,
then do it for Shakira.
944
01:00:45.975 --> 01:00:49.771
Look into her eyes and tell me
you don't want this bitch to live
945
01:00:49.854 --> 01:00:51.898
in a world that knows the truth.
946
01:00:56.527 --> 01:00:57.528
I'll do it.
947
01:01:00.490 --> 01:01:03.660
Can't find my driving gloves.
Gonna have to borrow yours, Jenny.
948
01:01:04.661 --> 01:01:07.997
Jenny? Jenny? Jenny.
949
01:01:08.081 --> 01:01:11.042
- Do you think it's safe for you to drive?
- Oh, buckle up, you painted ham.
950
01:01:11.125 --> 01:01:13.044
I've driven bigger rigs than this.
951
01:01:13.127 --> 01:01:14.128
God help us.
952
01:01:21.594 --> 01:01:24.263
- Fuck, fuck, fuck.
- Go, go, go, go.
953
01:01:32.271 --> 01:01:36.192
No! Shakira...
No!
954
01:01:39.612 --> 01:01:41.280
It was my sixth birthday.
955
01:01:42.615 --> 01:01:46.327
Me and my two best friends snuck
into the circus and saw the clowns.
956
01:01:47.286 --> 01:01:50.707
After that, all we wanted to do
was be like them.
957
01:01:52.500 --> 01:01:56.796
We even formed a troupe, the Superfriends.
958
01:01:59.590 --> 01:02:00.883
It wasn't my fault.
959
01:02:07.515 --> 01:02:08.516
What did you do?
960
01:02:10.518 --> 01:02:12.520
I misread the label.
961
01:02:13.187 --> 01:02:16.566
I thought I was dousing them
in laughter fluid.
962
01:02:22.196 --> 01:02:24.782
I couldn't handle what I'd done,
963
01:02:25.616 --> 01:02:28.202
so I created someone who could.
964
01:02:29.162 --> 01:02:34.208
I called her... Funzo.
965
01:02:39.213 --> 01:02:42.049
If I take this off,
I don't know who I'll be.
966
01:02:43.760 --> 01:02:45.303
Who were you before?
967
01:02:48.181 --> 01:02:49.515
Ja...
968
01:02:50.808 --> 01:02:52.143
Jan...
969
01:02:55.146 --> 01:02:56.856
Janet.
970
01:02:58.524 --> 01:02:59.984
My name was Janet.
971
01:03:02.069 --> 01:03:04.113
Well then you'll be Janet. Yeah.
972
01:03:04.405 --> 01:03:05.698
- That's okay?
- It's okay.
973
01:03:05.782 --> 01:03:07.325
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Yeah, okay.
974
01:03:07.408 --> 01:03:10.036
- Yeah. You'll be Janet.
- Yeah, Janet. Yeah.
975
01:03:10.328 --> 01:03:12.789
- And I guess I'll be Ken.
- Ken.
976
01:03:13.414 --> 01:03:15.208
And I'll be Jean-Luc.
977
01:03:21.214 --> 01:03:22.215
Really?
978
01:03:22.298 --> 01:03:23.424
- Jean-Luc?
- Yeah.
979
01:03:23.508 --> 01:03:25.134
- That's your name?
- Jean-Luc.
980
01:03:26.594 --> 01:03:28.179
Why would I say it if I...
981
01:03:28.721 --> 01:03:33.309
It's no problem if it is. It's just,
Jean-Luc. Really? Come on.
982
01:03:36.187 --> 01:03:38.606
All right. Dean.
My actual name is Dean.
983
01:03:38.689 --> 01:03:42.151
- Okay.
- That's more believable. Yeah.
984
01:04:07.301 --> 01:04:10.555
- Janet.
- Dean.
985
01:04:11.556 --> 01:04:12.682
Ken.
986
01:04:13.266 --> 01:04:14.809
Hello, my name is Janet.
987
01:04:15.101 --> 01:04:17.478
- Hello, I'm Dean.
- Afternoon, I'm Ken.
988
01:04:18.354 --> 01:04:20.773
Welcome.
Thanks for having me.
989
01:04:21.357 --> 01:04:24.235
- Janet, Ken, Dean.
- Hello, my name is Dean.
990
01:04:24.318 --> 01:04:27.405
- Is this blouse unisex, or...
- Hello, my name is Janet
991
01:04:27.488 --> 01:04:29.365
and I'd like one plate of meat please.
992
01:04:29.532 --> 01:04:34.078
Hello, I'm Ken and I'm interested in
purchasing a secondhand microwave.
993
01:04:34.412 --> 01:04:37.707
I'm Janet, your new neighbor.
I just moved in beneath your house.
994
01:04:37.832 --> 01:04:41.168
Hello. I have a voucher for a couple's
massage, and my name is Dean.
995
01:04:42.420 --> 01:04:44.046
No, it's just me. Can I go twice?
996
01:04:44.547 --> 01:04:47.675
Hey, my name's Ken and I'm
your mum's new boyfriend.
997
01:04:49.010 --> 01:04:52.096
- Et voilà.
- Wow. It's bigger than I thought.
998
01:04:52.179 --> 01:04:54.557
I bet you never had a
woman tell you that before.
999
01:04:54.974 --> 01:04:58.519
Well actually, my prostate
doctor is female, so...
1000
01:04:58.603 --> 01:05:00.605
Dr. Susan Wang.
1001
01:05:03.232 --> 01:05:08.154
- Welcome to my humble home.
- Lovely.
1002
01:05:15.786 --> 01:05:16.787
Did you...
1003
01:05:25.504 --> 01:05:27.214
What was that?
1004
01:05:31.552 --> 01:05:34.597
- Let's get back to the car.
- Don't worry. I speak child.
1005
01:05:35.264 --> 01:05:38.392
So, which one of you little
scamps is the leader then?
1006
01:05:39.101 --> 01:05:40.645
What's it to you, Granddad?
1007
01:05:41.646 --> 01:05:42.647
Him?
1008
01:05:43.606 --> 01:05:45.358
Looks like a bed wetter to me.
1009
01:05:46.108 --> 01:05:48.486
You wouldn't all follow a bed
wetter, would you?
1010
01:05:48.569 --> 01:05:49.987
I'm not a bed wetter.
1011
01:05:50.071 --> 01:05:54.158
Sorry, I can't hear you over
the overwhelming stench of piss.
1012
01:06:00.331 --> 01:06:04.460
So which of the rest of you think that
you could help run Alphonso Land, hmm?
1013
01:06:05.628 --> 01:06:06.796
Too scrawny.
1014
01:06:07.213 --> 01:06:09.674
Too ginger. A girl.
1015
01:06:10.299 --> 01:06:13.761
Oh well.
I suppose the leader has to be me.
1016
01:06:16.889 --> 01:06:19.100
Ignore your parents.
1017
01:06:19.183 --> 01:06:20.893
Forget the wrath of grown-ups.
1018
01:06:20.977 --> 01:06:25.398
No rules, no homework, no bedtime.
1019
01:06:25.564 --> 01:06:28.943
Welcome to Alphonso Land!
1020
01:06:36.575 --> 01:06:38.661
How's this for camera-ready, Mum?
1021
01:06:39.286 --> 01:06:41.372
Who's not going to amount to anything now?
1022
01:06:42.164 --> 01:06:43.165
You dead bitch.
1023
01:06:44.375 --> 01:06:45.668
Oh, there you are, miss.
1024
01:06:45.751 --> 01:06:47.545
Need you on set in five.
1025
01:06:47.920 --> 01:06:48.921
What is this?
1026
01:06:56.387 --> 01:06:57.930
Okay, listen up guys.
1027
01:06:58.139 --> 01:07:02.268
We need to be ready to shoot in five.
It's not ideal but it is what it is.
1028
01:07:02.351 --> 01:07:03.769
First up...
1029
01:07:08.274 --> 01:07:11.318
Jennifer, that's not the outfit
I picked out for you.
1030
01:07:11.861 --> 01:07:14.238
A spangly leotard didn't really
seem appropriate
1031
01:07:14.321 --> 01:07:16.449
for breaking the biggest
news story in the world.
1032
01:07:16.532 --> 01:07:19.785
It is however, the perfect attire
for the glamorous assistant
1033
01:07:20.077 --> 01:07:21.871
for the only clown on television.
1034
01:07:22.955 --> 01:07:26.459
- What?
- This weekend was to be my big comeback.
1035
01:07:26.542 --> 01:07:30.880
I see no reason why that should change
just because the world as we know it has.
1036
01:07:31.672 --> 01:07:33.591
Didn't you listen to Tim from Bromanz?
1037
01:07:33.674 --> 01:07:35.801
This is urgent.
We have to tell the world.
1038
01:07:35.885 --> 01:07:39.638
Jennifer, we've been handed
a golden opportunity here.
1039
01:07:40.639 --> 01:07:43.893
So we have the biggest broadcasting
facility in the country
1040
01:07:43.976 --> 01:07:46.520
and we're gonna use it
to put out a clown show?
1041
01:07:46.604 --> 01:07:49.065
Finally, we're on the same page.
1042
01:07:49.648 --> 01:07:51.108
Oh, this is stupid.
1043
01:07:51.776 --> 01:07:55.571
Okay, kids, I have an important
message to get out to the world.
1044
01:07:55.654 --> 01:07:56.947
Turn the camera over here.
1045
01:07:57.031 --> 01:08:00.326
Put her in the tiger cage.
1046
01:08:01.827 --> 01:08:05.081
Have you lost your mind?
We're in the middle of a global calamity.
1047
01:08:05.164 --> 01:08:09.335
This is Y2K times 2K, and I'm the
only one who knows what's going on.
1048
01:08:09.418 --> 01:08:10.961
You have to let me tell people.
1049
01:08:14.882 --> 01:08:17.635
No, no, no. You can't do this.
This is my big story.
1050
01:08:17.968 --> 01:08:20.012
My mother doesn't get to win again.
1051
01:08:20.096 --> 01:08:22.598
How is she still winning?
We put her in the ground.
1052
01:08:22.681 --> 01:08:24.767
There's still a way out of this, Jennifer.
1053
01:08:24.850 --> 01:08:27.394
Just be my Debbie McGee.
1054
01:08:28.187 --> 01:08:29.188
Aww.
1055
01:08:29.313 --> 01:08:31.357
What in God's name are you
trying to achieve here?
1056
01:08:32.274 --> 01:08:34.360
I'll be the only game in town, Jennifer.
1057
01:08:34.610 --> 01:08:38.197
I was canceled once before.
I lost my TV show.
1058
01:08:38.572 --> 01:08:41.951
My celebrity friends, my
regular table at Stringfellows.
1059
01:08:42.409 --> 01:08:44.912
Well, I'll not let them do it to me again.
1060
01:08:45.329 --> 01:08:47.248
I'm going to create an army here.
1061
01:08:47.414 --> 01:08:51.961
Loyal fans who will fight to keep me on
the air with their dying breaths,
1062
01:08:52.044 --> 01:08:55.714
and I will be revenged on everyone
that betrayed me!
1063
01:08:56.048 --> 01:08:58.259
Alphonso! Alphonso!
1064
01:08:59.051 --> 01:09:02.054
Oh look. They're calling my name.
1065
01:09:02.429 --> 01:09:04.890
Alphonso! Alphonso!
1066
01:09:13.440 --> 01:09:14.483
Bye bye, Bobo.
1067
01:09:19.280 --> 01:09:23.367
Boys and girls! Ladies and gentlemen!
1068
01:09:23.450 --> 01:09:24.702
That's the guy!
1069
01:09:24.785 --> 01:09:25.828
I'm back!
1070
01:10:04.366 --> 01:10:06.911
What are you doing? This isn't Paris.
1071
01:10:07.119 --> 01:10:09.580
Let's him go, Dean.
Let him go.
1072
01:10:10.247 --> 01:10:12.041
He is with Satan now.
1073
01:10:32.102 --> 01:10:34.980
I feel like I've swallowed a load of dirt.
1074
01:10:35.356 --> 01:10:38.984
You have. You were snoring.
It was the only way to shut you up.
1075
01:10:40.027 --> 01:10:42.863
I need a bloody drink.
1076
01:10:42.988 --> 01:10:46.075
Well, Ken, it seems to
me we have two options.
1077
01:10:46.617 --> 01:10:50.079
Either we drink our own piss or...
1078
01:10:50.162 --> 01:10:52.539
we drink each other's.
1079
01:11:02.174 --> 01:11:05.594
Come on, give me just a drop
you miserable bitch.
1080
01:11:05.678 --> 01:11:10.349
Not in my... I've got a
bloody open mouth here.
1081
01:11:15.938 --> 01:11:17.606
So this is a sex thing?
1082
01:11:18.148 --> 01:11:22.611
No. We're just having...
Actually, let's go with sex thing.
1083
01:11:23.195 --> 01:11:24.530
Mildly less embarrassing.
1084
01:11:25.030 --> 01:11:29.076
We used to be clowns, but my
name's Janet now, and I'm a person.
1085
01:11:30.077 --> 01:11:32.830
Well, as it happens, I'm
on the trail of a clown.
1086
01:11:33.080 --> 01:11:36.208
I don't suppose you've heard of
The Great Alphonso?
1087
01:11:36.583 --> 01:11:40.004
That hack. Nope, never heard of him.
Wasn't a fan.
1088
01:11:40.170 --> 01:11:42.464
He killed my dog,
stole my life's work.
1089
01:11:43.465 --> 01:11:46.385
- Him and his clueless journalist friend.
- What?
1090
01:11:46.468 --> 01:11:48.846
Now she's broadcasting
a clown show from his big top
1091
01:11:48.929 --> 01:11:51.724
with my transmitter.
Took everything from me.
1092
01:11:52.808 --> 01:11:55.311
Swear to God, when I find her...
What's that smell?
1093
01:11:56.353 --> 01:11:57.354
It's nothing.
1094
01:11:57.563 --> 01:11:59.064
This doesn't make sense.
1095
01:11:59.815 --> 01:12:03.402
Jenny hates clowns...
unless she's on drugs.
1096
01:12:04.653 --> 01:12:07.823
Alphonso must have taken her hostage
and given her drugs.
1097
01:12:07.906 --> 01:12:09.575
Jesus Christ. Not this again.
1098
01:12:09.658 --> 01:12:12.119
No, no, no. Fuck it.
I know where they are.
1099
01:12:13.287 --> 01:12:15.539
Bobo couldn't save the woman he loves.
1100
01:12:16.749 --> 01:12:18.625
But maybe Ken can.
1101
01:12:20.961 --> 01:12:22.171
I'm coming with you.
1102
01:12:22.880 --> 01:12:25.049
Then we're coming too!
1103
01:12:25.132 --> 01:12:27.634
- I'm not sure we're all going to fit.
- Fine, go on.
1104
01:12:27.718 --> 01:12:28.719
Let's ride.
1105
01:12:36.352 --> 01:12:39.021
So where are your clothes?
1106
01:12:39.188 --> 01:12:41.607
Ah, we burned them
as a symbolic gesture,
1107
01:12:41.690 --> 01:12:44.068
which in retrospect
was entirely unnecessary.
1108
01:12:44.401 --> 01:12:46.487
We can't save Jenny in our pants.
1109
01:12:46.570 --> 01:12:50.324
We're gonna have to steal some clothes
or we'll look ridiculous.
1110
01:12:55.871 --> 01:12:56.872
It's Jenny.
1111
01:12:57.289 --> 01:13:01.085
Right, I'm gonna need you guys
to create a diversion. Okay?
1112
01:13:01.460 --> 01:13:02.836
I've got this flare.
1113
01:13:03.837 --> 01:13:05.756
Keep away from children.
1114
01:13:06.507 --> 01:13:08.926
Why does everyone keep saying this to me?
1115
01:13:09.218 --> 01:13:10.552
Okay, what's the plan?
1116
01:13:11.053 --> 01:13:15.974
Okay, I'm gonna commando roll across
that field, crawl for a bit,
1117
01:13:16.058 --> 01:13:17.643
parkour my way over the fence
1118
01:13:17.726 --> 01:13:19.978
and take out
the first kid with one of these.
1119
01:13:25.359 --> 01:13:27.027
And I'll say, "tough break."
1120
01:13:27.986 --> 01:13:31.698
The second kid will come at me from
behind, and I'll give him one of these.
1121
01:13:31.782 --> 01:13:34.034
Ah, wanker!
1122
01:13:34.118 --> 01:13:35.577
And I'll say, um...
1123
01:13:37.830 --> 01:13:40.374
I won't say anything there.
I'll keep it stealthy.
1124
01:13:40.874 --> 01:13:43.085
So at that point,
it's just those two kids
1125
01:13:43.168 --> 01:13:45.796
standing between me
and a happy ever after.
1126
01:13:45.879 --> 01:13:49.883
So I'll jump up, grab the door frame
and give 'em a double kick. Ya! Ya!
1127
01:13:49.967 --> 01:13:53.720
I'll say "two's company,"
or "twice to meet you."
1128
01:13:54.638 --> 01:13:55.639
Everyone got it?
1129
01:13:56.849 --> 01:13:57.891
Yeah.
1130
01:13:57.975 --> 01:14:02.187
Oh, by the way,
if I don't make it out there,
1131
01:14:03.272 --> 01:14:06.525
tell the world I died with dignity.
1132
01:14:06.900 --> 01:14:07.985
You want us to lie.
1133
01:14:08.444 --> 01:14:11.155
No, just imply I was wearing trousers.
1134
01:14:12.573 --> 01:14:13.574
Okay.
1135
01:14:23.167 --> 01:14:24.918
Hey, Ken!
1136
01:14:25.002 --> 01:14:27.588
What's a diversion?
1137
01:14:31.800 --> 01:14:36.472
Well, well, well, looks like you've
made some new friends, Tim.
1138
01:14:37.181 --> 01:14:38.390
We're here for the girl.
1139
01:14:39.516 --> 01:14:42.102
Let the girl go and
no harm will come to you.
1140
01:14:42.394 --> 01:14:43.437
She's just a girl.
1141
01:14:43.604 --> 01:14:45.814
I'm 35, you dick.
1142
01:14:45.898 --> 01:14:48.692
I kept your secret, Alphonso.
You didn't have to kill my dog.
1143
01:14:48.775 --> 01:14:50.068
What secret?
1144
01:14:50.611 --> 01:14:52.821
I'm sorry about your dog,
by the way,
1145
01:14:52.905 --> 01:14:55.866
but I do wanna get clarity,
though, on that secret.
1146
01:14:55.949 --> 01:14:57.034
The gunge tank.
1147
01:14:59.453 --> 01:15:02.539
It was the after party of series
three of Alphonso's Fun Club.
1148
01:15:02.915 --> 01:15:05.167
It wasn't an accident.
I saw him do it.
1149
01:15:05.709 --> 01:15:08.003
My brother was taking
the piss out of the show.
1150
01:15:08.086 --> 01:15:09.546
He was making jokes about it.
1151
01:15:09.755 --> 01:15:12.883
He called it Al-fuckso's Bum Club.
1152
01:15:15.177 --> 01:15:17.930
So Alphonso drowned him in gunge,
1153
01:15:19.056 --> 01:15:22.267
and he threatened to do the same
to me if I ever told anyone.
1154
01:15:22.518 --> 01:15:26.730
Well, sadly for you, Tim,
it looks like you just have.
1155
01:15:27.022 --> 01:15:30.609
Bedwetter, Ginger Twat!
Throw the others in with Jennifer.
1156
01:15:31.109 --> 01:15:37.074
Tim here is about to experience
pie to the power of infinity.
1157
01:15:40.702 --> 01:15:43.705
Jenny, I swore that I'd find you.
1158
01:15:43.789 --> 01:15:47.417
- It's true. He wouldn't shut up about it.
- And now we can be together.
1159
01:15:47.543 --> 01:15:50.587
We could start a new life!
In this cage, if needs be.
1160
01:15:50.671 --> 01:15:53.715
- Bobo what are you talking about?
- That's the thing. I'm not Bobo any more.
1161
01:15:53.799 --> 01:15:55.092
- I'm Ken.
- Ken.
1162
01:15:55.175 --> 01:15:56.426
- Ken.
- She knows.
1163
01:15:56.677 --> 01:15:58.345
Just normal, dependable Ken.
1164
01:15:58.470 --> 01:15:59.471
- Ken.
- Okay.
1165
01:16:00.681 --> 01:16:03.850
Type of bloke that wears
brown size nine shoes.
1166
01:16:04.893 --> 01:16:06.061
Who owns a shed.
1167
01:16:07.521 --> 01:16:11.358
Sort of bloke you could get to know
over a tepid cup of Bovril.
1168
01:16:12.901 --> 01:16:16.154
Type of guy you could settle down with.
1169
01:16:16.238 --> 01:16:18.323
As I say, in this cage, if needs be.
1170
01:16:20.033 --> 01:16:22.327
Where have you guys been?
1171
01:16:22.744 --> 01:16:26.164
On a long journey
to the center of ourselves.
1172
01:16:27.332 --> 01:16:31.420
My name is Dean and
I'm not a clown either.
1173
01:16:32.504 --> 01:16:35.340
In a funny way
I don't suppose I ever really was.
1174
01:16:35.549 --> 01:16:37.467
And I'm Janet, and my thing is,
1175
01:16:37.801 --> 01:16:40.721
when I was six I set my friends on fire.
I poured...
1176
01:16:41.972 --> 01:16:44.600
- Oh mother of God!
- The show's about to start.
1177
01:16:44.891 --> 01:16:50.230
Listen, that 200 pound slab of lunch meat
is trying to amass an army of children.
1178
01:16:50.564 --> 01:16:53.692
We need to disable that transmitter
and get him off the air.
1179
01:16:56.612 --> 01:16:59.865
Hello boys and girls!
1180
01:17:00.657 --> 01:17:06.371
I am back on the TV where I belong,
and tonight for a special treat.
1181
01:17:06.663 --> 01:17:09.082
I have an old celebrity friend.
1182
01:17:10.125 --> 01:17:12.919
Tim from Bromanz!
1183
01:17:16.298 --> 01:17:18.383
Are... we... ready?
1184
01:17:18.550 --> 01:17:19.968
No, no, no, no, no.
1185
01:17:21.053 --> 01:17:23.722
Unleash hell!
1186
01:17:53.752 --> 01:17:54.753
Stop it!
1187
01:17:54.836 --> 01:17:56.713
He's had enough!
1188
01:17:56.797 --> 01:17:58.215
Hold your fire!
1189
01:17:58.882 --> 01:18:03.428
We're going to need him conscious
for the main event.
1190
01:18:07.808 --> 01:18:09.810
Gunge him! Gunge him!
1191
01:18:09.893 --> 01:18:15.232
And we're going to have more celebrity
people come on this show all the time.
1192
01:18:15.315 --> 01:18:20.195
With your help! I want you to bring
some of those friends of mine
1193
01:18:20.529 --> 01:18:22.698
who I haven't seen since I was on TV.
1194
01:18:22.781 --> 01:18:27.202
If you bring this to me,
you get a big reward. Yes!
1195
01:18:27.285 --> 01:18:29.454
So come to Alphonso Land!
1196
01:18:29.538 --> 01:18:33.959
No homework, no rules, no bedtime!
1197
01:18:34.042 --> 01:18:38.463
And anybody who tries
to stop us will get gunged!
1198
01:18:39.381 --> 01:18:41.091
Anyone!
1199
01:18:42.217 --> 01:18:46.596
Jesus Christ. He's gonna
gunge us all to death. Oh God.
1200
01:18:47.097 --> 01:18:48.098
Oh God.
1201
01:18:48.807 --> 01:18:52.352
Oh God. We're next. Oh God.
This is all your fault, Bobo.
1202
01:18:52.436 --> 01:18:53.937
I wish I'd never met you.
1203
01:18:54.020 --> 01:18:56.857
I could be off breaking the
biggest story in the world
1204
01:18:56.940 --> 01:18:59.401
with an unbelievably hot
burger van guy now.
1205
01:18:59.484 --> 01:19:02.779
Instead of being stuck in
a cage with a bunch of clowns
1206
01:19:02.946 --> 01:19:05.824
waiting to be murdered by feral children.
1207
01:19:06.324 --> 01:19:08.326
Actually ex-clowns. But I'll shut up.
1208
01:19:09.202 --> 01:19:10.746
Why me, Bobo?
1209
01:19:11.705 --> 01:19:16.126
Out of all the women in the world
you could have chosen to obsess over,
1210
01:19:16.918 --> 01:19:18.628
why did you land on me?
1211
01:19:23.091 --> 01:19:27.637
Because you were the
first person in 15 years
1212
01:19:28.430 --> 01:19:30.223
who made me feel good about myself.
1213
01:19:32.726 --> 01:19:34.728
Made me feel more than just a...
1214
01:19:36.772 --> 01:19:38.732
fat clown at a children's party.
1215
01:19:40.650 --> 01:19:41.860
That I was important.
1216
01:19:44.070 --> 01:19:47.282
And that I was someone
who deserved to be loved
1217
01:19:49.951 --> 01:19:52.329
Because I threw you
a drunk fuck in a cupboard?
1218
01:19:53.497 --> 01:19:55.707
It was long--
It was long enough to know...
1219
01:19:58.668 --> 01:20:00.796
- I love you.
- Oh shit.
1220
01:20:02.047 --> 01:20:03.048
Oh my God.
1221
01:20:05.717 --> 01:20:06.885
Oh, that's bleak.
1222
01:20:10.806 --> 01:20:14.851
Oh, oh, that's so fucking bleak.
1223
01:20:14.935 --> 01:20:19.231
God. Okay. Yeah.
No. Alphonso! Alphonso!
1224
01:20:19.314 --> 01:20:21.316
Yes, I'm in. I give up.
1225
01:20:33.745 --> 01:20:34.830
Clown blood.
1226
01:20:35.664 --> 01:20:36.665
It's fresh.
1227
01:20:40.585 --> 01:20:41.586
They're close.
1228
01:20:52.055 --> 01:20:54.349
Ah, Pegasus.
1229
01:20:55.392 --> 01:20:56.393
My old friend.
1230
01:21:02.440 --> 01:21:05.151
Jesus Christ, they just keep coming.
1231
01:21:05.443 --> 01:21:06.778
We need to get outta here.
1232
01:21:06.862 --> 01:21:10.198
There's no way we're getting past
these homicidal rug-munchers.
1233
01:21:10.282 --> 01:21:13.034
- I think you mean rugrats.
- They're terrifying.
1234
01:21:13.535 --> 01:21:15.036
One of them smokes a pipe.
1235
01:21:15.412 --> 01:21:16.872
Alphonso was wrong you know,
1236
01:21:17.747 --> 01:21:19.499
about the Jugglenaut.
1237
01:21:20.166 --> 01:21:23.295
It doesn't need clowns who
are willing to die for one another.
1238
01:21:23.420 --> 01:21:25.964
It just needs clowns
who have nothing to live for.
1239
01:21:26.047 --> 01:21:27.841
- What?
- Well think about it.
1240
01:21:28.550 --> 01:21:30.051
These kids like violence.
1241
01:21:30.343 --> 01:21:33.972
They like danger, they like
watching people hurt themselves.
1242
01:21:35.765 --> 01:21:40.312
If we can pull off a trick like that, we
might be able to distract them long enough
1243
01:21:40.395 --> 01:21:46.318
to do one last decent thing with our lives
and take that prick Alphonso off the air.
1244
01:21:49.029 --> 01:21:54.200
Everyone dreams of dying
doing what they love.
1245
01:22:00.206 --> 01:22:02.918
And since that's not an option for us,
1246
01:22:08.048 --> 01:22:09.674
what say we go out clowning?
1247
01:22:13.303 --> 01:22:19.184
Oi! Bedwetter. Gather your men.
I've got something to show you.
1248
01:22:19.267 --> 01:22:20.268
What is it?
1249
01:22:20.894 --> 01:22:22.062
It's a clown show.
1250
01:22:23.355 --> 01:22:24.439
We've just seen one.
1251
01:22:27.525 --> 01:22:28.526
Not like this.
1252
01:22:33.531 --> 01:22:36.159
I knew you would come
around eventually, Jennifer,
1253
01:22:36.242 --> 01:22:40.538
now for a moment there,
you nearly chose the wrong team.
1254
01:22:42.332 --> 01:22:45.961
It's a brave new world, Jennifer,
and it's ours for the taking.
1255
01:22:46.628 --> 01:22:50.924
Me as warlord slash
global clown Emperor
1256
01:22:51.716 --> 01:22:55.804
and you beside me as my
bikini-clad assistant.
1257
01:22:56.304 --> 01:22:57.847
Ah, thank you Shakira.
1258
01:22:58.306 --> 01:23:01.059
Yes.
I mean, sounds good.
1259
01:23:02.018 --> 01:23:03.853
Have you got anything to drink?
1260
01:23:04.145 --> 01:23:07.399
Jenny, do wombles shit
on Wimbledon Common?
1261
01:23:07.774 --> 01:23:08.775
Hmm?
1262
01:23:10.068 --> 01:23:12.070
- Drinks cabinet's over there.
- Great.
1263
01:23:12.153 --> 01:23:15.323
I will make us a...
1264
01:23:16.616 --> 01:23:18.994
vodka and...
1265
01:23:19.536 --> 01:23:20.537
scotch.
1266
01:23:20.620 --> 01:23:24.290
Ah, a Kilted Russian: how very agreeable.
1267
01:23:40.390 --> 01:23:42.100
Hello, boys and girls.
1268
01:23:43.101 --> 01:23:45.186
My name's Bobo,
1269
01:23:45.270 --> 01:23:51.401
and these are my friends, Pepe and Funzo.
1270
01:23:51.818 --> 01:23:54.904
Who likes balloons?
1271
01:23:56.114 --> 01:23:57.157
I do.
1272
01:24:03.413 --> 01:24:04.414
Oh.
1273
01:24:06.166 --> 01:24:08.460
Ah, this was a mistake.
1274
01:24:08.877 --> 01:24:10.754
- What was that?
- Oh, nothing.
1275
01:24:10.837 --> 01:24:14.174
You know what kids are like
when they're drunk on power.
1276
01:24:15.842 --> 01:24:18.053
A toast to good friends.
1277
01:24:18.136 --> 01:24:19.137
Ah, Jenny.
1278
01:24:19.554 --> 01:24:21.347
I hate for you to embarrass yourself
1279
01:24:21.431 --> 01:24:26.436
in front of the Rotary Club Toastmaster
General in 1992, 1993, and 1995.
1280
01:24:27.145 --> 01:24:28.938
I'd better do this. Hmm.
1281
01:24:29.689 --> 01:24:34.486
Ladies and gentlemen, distinguished
guests, Princess Michael of Kent.
1282
01:24:34.944 --> 01:24:40.241
An occasion such as this always calls for
one of the greatest and indeed longest
1283
01:24:40.325 --> 01:24:42.702
poems of the last six centuries.
1284
01:24:43.912 --> 01:24:46.414
Okay. Screw the crowd work.
Skip to the big finish.
1285
01:24:46.539 --> 01:24:49.918
Boys and girls, I present to you
1286
01:24:50.335 --> 01:24:53.505
the Jugglenaut!
1287
01:24:55.340 --> 01:24:57.008
Pepe, hup!
1288
01:25:00.011 --> 01:25:02.931
I can't. I can't do it.
I'm not good enough.
1289
01:25:03.014 --> 01:25:04.933
I never have been.
1290
01:25:05.058 --> 01:25:06.810
I'll never be a DuCoquesman.
1291
01:25:08.019 --> 01:25:10.146
I don't need you to be a DuCoquesman.
1292
01:25:10.230 --> 01:25:13.817
I don't care what some dusty French
wank merchant thought of you.
1293
01:25:13.900 --> 01:25:16.444
I just need you to
climb on to my fat shoulders
1294
01:25:16.528 --> 01:25:18.780
and be paralyzed with fear, please.
1295
01:25:22.784 --> 01:25:25.245
Okay, I can do that.
1296
01:25:31.751 --> 01:25:34.045
Funzo, hup!
1297
01:25:34.337 --> 01:25:37.507
I don't want to be Funzo.
I don't want to scare anyone.
1298
01:25:37.882 --> 01:25:40.385
Funzo, Janet.
It doesn't matter what you call yourself.
1299
01:25:40.468 --> 01:25:42.720
Being scary is who you are.
1300
01:25:42.804 --> 01:25:44.264
You were born to do this,
1301
01:25:44.347 --> 01:25:48.810
and I'll be honest with you, some of these
kids could do with a decent fucking scare.
1302
01:25:51.980 --> 01:25:52.981
Oh God.
1303
01:25:53.565 --> 01:25:54.566
Oh Jesus.
1304
01:26:39.319 --> 01:26:41.112
Three, two, one!
1305
01:26:51.956 --> 01:26:52.957
Pepe!
1306
01:26:53.833 --> 01:26:56.294
Hup... hup... hup...
1307
01:27:11.351 --> 01:27:12.852
Funzo, grab the transmitter!
1308
01:27:15.396 --> 01:27:19.776
I can hear it!
The laughter! It's like thunder!
1309
01:27:24.072 --> 01:27:26.574
"Since last she was a wee--"
Wait.
1310
01:27:27.325 --> 01:27:29.702
Is that children enjoying themselves?
1311
01:27:30.453 --> 01:27:32.121
That's impossible.
I'm still here.
1312
01:27:32.830 --> 01:27:34.374
Let's have your drink first.
1313
01:27:34.457 --> 01:27:38.670
♪ I like to drink with Alphonso.
Alphonso is my mate ♪
1314
01:27:38.753 --> 01:27:41.798
♪ And when I drink with Alphonso,
He gets it down in eight ♪
1315
01:27:42.298 --> 01:27:44.467
Jesus Christ, okay, fuck it!
1316
01:27:45.885 --> 01:27:47.053
Show's over!
1317
01:28:00.608 --> 01:28:03.695
- Funzo!
- No!
1318
01:28:08.199 --> 01:28:13.371
- You killed our friend.
- Our best friend, you monster.
1319
01:28:14.080 --> 01:28:15.999
An eye for an eye, Booboo.
1320
01:28:16.207 --> 01:28:17.750
And now it's your turn.
1321
01:28:24.799 --> 01:28:27.176
We just want Funzo.
Give her over now
1322
01:28:27.260 --> 01:28:30.054
and I promise you all a
quick and painless death.
1323
01:28:30.179 --> 01:28:31.973
Too late. He's already killed her.
1324
01:28:32.307 --> 01:28:35.351
Yeah. Just a few minutes ago.
You couldn't have been closer.
1325
01:28:36.102 --> 01:28:37.103
What?
1326
01:28:37.645 --> 01:28:39.772
Well that is an anti-climax.
1327
01:28:39.981 --> 01:28:42.525
I mean, we traveled all
this way fueled by revenge.
1328
01:28:45.236 --> 01:28:48.948
- You're gonna have to give us a minute.
- This is bloody typical.
1329
01:28:49.032 --> 01:28:50.825
- Bloody typical!
- Okay, okay.
1330
01:28:50.908 --> 01:28:52.243
We have no time for this.
1331
01:28:52.327 --> 01:28:54.620
I need you to be more
solution orientated now,
1332
01:28:54.704 --> 01:28:57.081
rather than focusing on problems, okay?
1333
01:28:58.875 --> 01:29:00.710
- It's a tiny motorbike.
- No, no.
1334
01:29:03.880 --> 01:29:06.883
Yeah. Great. Great.
Let's explain that to them, then.
1335
01:29:10.303 --> 01:29:12.764
Okay. So we've noticed
that you've got a gunge pit
1336
01:29:12.847 --> 01:29:15.308
and we've always
wanted to try one of those,
1337
01:29:15.391 --> 01:29:18.144
so I think we're just
gonna murder you all with that.
1338
01:29:18.227 --> 01:29:19.604
Tie their hands.
1339
01:29:19.687 --> 01:29:21.939
Why does no one seem to be...
Stop it!
1340
01:29:22.899 --> 01:29:25.318
Turn around. Don't tie me up.
I have money.
1341
01:29:25.526 --> 01:29:27.945
Well, Bitcoin.
It's yours if you let me go.
1342
01:29:48.841 --> 01:29:50.635
My ear! My other ear!
1343
01:29:54.847 --> 01:29:56.974
Bobo! The transmitter!
1344
01:29:57.433 --> 01:29:59.185
The transmitter!
1345
01:30:23.459 --> 01:30:25.753
There's only one way to settle this, Alphonso.
1346
01:30:25.837 --> 01:30:28.422
I will crush you with my bulk.
1347
01:30:28.506 --> 01:30:31.259
I have seen off many rivals.
1348
01:31:37.867 --> 01:31:40.786
Who's the walrus now, Alphonso, you dick?
1349
01:31:40.870 --> 01:31:44.165
- Who's the fucking walrus now?
- You are.
1350
01:31:44.665 --> 01:31:46.751
I've beaten you in every way.
1351
01:31:47.418 --> 01:31:50.463
As a clown, as a man.
1352
01:31:52.506 --> 01:31:54.926
Both ways!
1353
01:31:56.469 --> 01:31:58.804
Do you know I used to look up to you?
1354
01:31:58.888 --> 01:32:01.098
You were one of the
reasons I became a clown.
1355
01:32:01.182 --> 01:32:02.892
I'm so sorry.
1356
01:32:03.935 --> 01:32:05.603
Oh, I'm not gonna hurt you.
1357
01:32:06.812 --> 01:32:08.606
Because I'm the bigger man.
1358
01:32:10.107 --> 01:32:13.611
- And the better clown.
- Bromanz forever!
1359
01:32:16.948 --> 01:32:19.909
Jesus Christ, Tim.
I was just doing a whole thing.
1360
01:32:22.578 --> 01:32:25.039
And I should have done that 30 years ago.
1361
01:32:27.416 --> 01:32:31.254
Okay Funzo, you've earned your spot.
We'll see you on the strip.
1362
01:32:32.755 --> 01:32:36.592
- You okay, Janet?
- Of course. Nothing bad happened to me.
1363
01:32:36.884 --> 01:32:38.886
Nothing bad ever happens to Funzo.
1364
01:32:47.436 --> 01:32:48.854
We should probably help him.
1365
01:32:48.938 --> 01:32:50.439
- No.
- Okay!
1366
01:33:08.749 --> 01:33:12.003
Okay. It's all looking good.
1367
01:33:15.089 --> 01:33:16.090
Fantastic.
1368
01:33:18.092 --> 01:33:19.343
Okay.
We're all set.
1369
01:33:20.052 --> 01:33:21.053
You ready?
1370
01:33:21.595 --> 01:33:24.181
I was born ready, Bobo.
It's in the blood.
1371
01:33:25.224 --> 01:33:29.103
Going live in Five! Four! Three!
1372
01:33:29.937 --> 01:33:32.481
- Are you gonna do it wearing that?
- Oh shit.
1373
01:33:32.606 --> 01:33:33.733
Good evening.
1374
01:33:33.816 --> 01:33:37.945
I'm Jenny Malone reporting
the truth to the world.
1375
01:33:38.029 --> 01:33:42.033
I realize we've all been through a lot,
but what I'm about to tell you
1376
01:33:42.116 --> 01:33:46.871
should explain how we got here and how
we are going to survive this together.
1377
01:33:49.332 --> 01:33:54.712
In 1967, the CIA, in conjunction with
the teenage Hillary Clinton,
1378
01:33:54.795 --> 01:33:57.048
began a series of experiments on the sun.
1379
01:33:57.214 --> 01:33:59.467
And two days ago, under the instruction
1380
01:33:59.550 --> 01:34:04.263
of a sinister cabal of shapeshifting,
pedophilic lizard people,
1381
01:34:04.347 --> 01:34:06.974
they unleashed
a secret weapon on the world.
1382
01:34:07.808 --> 01:34:10.728
- Operation: Solar Flare.
- I've been saying it for... yes!
1383
01:34:10.978 --> 01:34:14.148
A plan to enslave humanity,
harvest our DNA,
1384
01:34:14.231 --> 01:34:17.068
and sell it to the Chinese
chemtrail industry.
1385
01:34:17.526 --> 01:34:19.403
Over the next three to four hours,
1386
01:34:19.487 --> 01:34:21.405
I will show you--
1387
01:34:21.864 --> 01:34:24.408
Irrefutable evidence
of John F. Kennedy's...
1388
01:34:26.410 --> 01:34:27.953
John F. Kennedy...
1389
01:34:34.460 --> 01:34:36.962
- What are you doing?
- What's going on then?
1390
01:34:37.922 --> 01:34:41.258
- Is it-- is it over?
- Everything's turning back on.
1391
01:34:43.177 --> 01:34:45.137
Yeah. Yeah, okay.
1392
01:34:47.807 --> 01:34:49.517
Oh my gosh.
1393
01:34:50.851 --> 01:34:54.772
And although Áras an Uachtaráin was
completely obliterated, the president was
1394
01:34:54.855 --> 01:34:59.777
eventually carried to safety by Brazilian
burger technician Gustavo Musculos.
1395
01:35:01.737 --> 01:35:04.448
Elsewhere, chaotic scenes
played out across the nation
1396
01:35:04.532 --> 01:35:06.867
with a series of localized
electrical blackouts
1397
01:35:06.951 --> 01:35:09.662
believed to have been caused
by a massive power surge
1398
01:35:09.745 --> 01:35:12.915
at a recent concert by
country singer Garth Brooks.
1399
01:35:13.457 --> 01:35:14.875
May he rest in peace.
1400
01:35:16.460 --> 01:35:18.337
Then there was this bizarre broadcast
1401
01:35:18.421 --> 01:35:21.966
by the daughter of celebrated news
correspondent Deborah Malone,
1402
01:35:22.049 --> 01:35:25.177
Two days ago,
under the instruction of a sinister cabal
1403
01:35:25.302 --> 01:35:27.888
of shapeshifting pedophilic
lizard people--
1404
01:35:27.972 --> 01:35:31.600
I think we can all agree her late
mother would be massively disappointed.
1405
01:35:31.684 --> 01:35:34.603
Next up, clown funerals.
They're like buses, aren't they?
1406
01:35:34.687 --> 01:35:37.773
You wait ages for one and then
two come along all at once.
1407
01:35:37.898 --> 01:35:39.650
Nineties has-been clown,
1408
01:35:39.900 --> 01:35:43.446
the late Alphonso
has popped his giant clogs
1409
01:35:43.529 --> 01:35:46.866
and is in a tiny little car
on his way to heaven right now.
1410
01:35:54.206 --> 01:35:56.167
Thanks for helping us out, Jenny.
1411
01:35:56.250 --> 01:36:00.171
Yes. Thank you so much for letting us
bury DuCoque in your mother's grave.
1412
01:36:00.254 --> 01:36:03.466
Don't mention it.
She hated clowns and the French.
1413
01:36:11.182 --> 01:36:14.059
When we first hooked up
at your niece's birthday,
1414
01:36:15.227 --> 01:36:17.480
did you ever imagine we'd end up here?
1415
01:36:19.356 --> 01:36:20.357
No.
1416
01:36:22.276 --> 01:36:23.569
No, of course not.
1417
01:36:24.987 --> 01:36:25.988
Yeah.
1418
01:36:26.197 --> 01:36:27.239
Me neither.
1419
01:36:31.118 --> 01:36:33.913
Oh, what the fuck are you doing?
1420
01:36:34.788 --> 01:36:37.291
I just thought we'd been on this journey.
1421
01:36:38.375 --> 01:36:40.211
I vanquished the other male.
1422
01:36:42.213 --> 01:36:43.631
Did I read the moment wrong?
1423
01:36:44.673 --> 01:36:50.054
We are secretly burying a rotting
clown corpse in my mother's grave.
1424
01:36:51.055 --> 01:36:54.058
What is it about this moment
that you think is sexy?
1425
01:36:57.686 --> 01:36:59.271
- The sun?
- The sun. Oh.
1426
01:36:59.355 --> 01:37:00.773
It's kind of sexy.
1427
01:37:01.774 --> 01:37:03.859
It's like a big, red
clown nose in the sky.
1428
01:37:03.943 --> 01:37:05.444
Goodbye, Bobo.
1429
01:37:06.195 --> 01:37:07.196
Forever this time.
1430
01:37:07.863 --> 01:37:09.907
- Yeah, but what about...
- No! Forever.
1431
01:37:11.575 --> 01:37:13.953
Well, what now?
1432
01:37:15.412 --> 01:37:18.457
I hear there's a prime spot
going on the main strip.
1433
01:37:18.666 --> 01:37:21.252
You could get your DuCoque
out on the street!
1434
01:37:27.675 --> 01:37:31.845
Do you know, I used to blame
Alphonso for my lack of success.
1435
01:37:34.848 --> 01:37:39.562
But now that he's gone,
I can't see anything getting in my way.
1436
01:37:41.146 --> 01:37:42.940
Let's do it!
1437
01:37:44.525 --> 01:37:47.736
Well, it looks like we're
gonna need some business cards.
1438
01:37:48.153 --> 01:37:50.864
- We need a name first.
- We have a name!
1439
01:37:50.948 --> 01:37:55.035
- We are not calling ourselves that.
- It's too late!
1440
01:38:07.214 --> 01:38:09.842
Where are the clowns of yesteryear?
1441
01:38:13.012 --> 01:38:19.727
Where are the red and white faces
and the absolutely enormous trousers?
1442
01:38:21.478 --> 01:38:27.443
I understand that the
world is different now,
1443
01:38:30.487 --> 01:38:33.073
but I miss the good old days.
1444
01:38:36.619 --> 01:38:40.164
Where are the children who are
happy with simple pleasures?
1445
01:38:43.125 --> 01:38:45.002
Not Serbian Pornography.
1446
01:38:46.420 --> 01:38:47.880
Life is bullshit.
1447
01:38:50.341 --> 01:38:51.884
I hate young people.
1448
01:38:53.719 --> 01:38:55.179
What a bunch of pricks.
1449
01:38:56.847 --> 01:39:01.060
They pull at my nose and call me a tramp.
1450
01:39:03.270 --> 01:39:04.480
Here is the duck.
1451
01:39:06.106 --> 01:39:08.233
With his tiny briefcase.
1452
01:39:09.693 --> 01:39:11.654
He checks his list,
1453
01:39:12.821 --> 01:39:14.657
and adjusts his glasses.
1454
01:39:16.659 --> 01:39:19.036 line:5%
My name is there.
1455
01:39:20.496 --> 01:39:22.581 line:5%
There's no hardship.
1456
01:39:23.666 --> 01:39:28.879 line:5%
I will go with
him in his little business suit
1457
01:39:29.922 --> 01:39:34.093 line:5%
Goodbye dreadful world,
goodbye cruel life.
1458
01:39:35.094 --> 01:39:40.808 line:5%
This is my final act, the last ritual.
1459
01:39:47.272 --> 01:39:49.024 line:5%
Life is not rosy.
1460
01:39:51.235 --> 01:39:52.903 line:5%
Whatever Edith Piaf says.
1461
01:41:34.505 --> 01:41:36.006 line:5%
1462
01:41:36.256 --> 01:41:40.511 line:5%
You are listening to the audio
book of Life of Pie, a Clown Odyssey,
1463
01:41:41.094 --> 01:41:47.184 line:5%
written and narrated by the Great
Alphonso. Chapter One. Beginnings.
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I was a born clown despite
a difficult childhood.
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I was ten years old
when the bullying first started.
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01:41:57.069 --> 01:42:01.657 line:5%
At its height, I must have been
bullying 20 or 30 children a day.
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I didn't know at the time, but
this was the perfect preparation
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for a career in television.