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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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Please welcome
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one of the greatest comedians
in this country,
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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Dave Hughes!
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Thank you!
I am super pumped up.
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How are we feeling tonight, everyone?
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- It is great to have you here.
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We are back, baby!
Are we back?
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Yeah!
- Yes. COVID no longer.
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No.
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Even on the news
the other night,
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they said there's new variants
you need to look out for. No!
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No! It's like Nokia
bringing out new phones.
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It's fucking over!
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We've moved on. You lost!
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No, it is great to be here though,
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and I know we
still take it seriously.
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There's a, yes,
there's a, yeah,
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a lot of people are here who
don't have masks on,
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so you don't give a fuck, obviously.
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Woo!
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Fair enough. Yeah, woooo!
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Woo!
- Woo!
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Some people with masks on,
I appreciate that. Good on you.
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Yes, good on them as well, absolutely.
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But if you wear a mask,
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you don't have to wear it
all the time, I don't reckon.
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You can relax occasionally.
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Saw a guy in his car
the other day on his own.
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Come on, mate.
You're on your own. Unmask!
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You're gonna get COVID
off the fuckin' radio, are ya?
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I know, it's tough.
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I mean, we all had to
wear masks for a long time.
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And it was stressful,
wasn't it,
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when they'd slip
under your nostrils...
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And someone would look at you
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like you had
your testicles out.
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But if you are wearing a mask,
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just... just... just... just
be consistent
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with your personal safety.
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I saw a guy on Beach Road
on an electric scooter.
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I reckon he was doing 90k
an hour, looking at his phone,
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no helmet on,
but he was wearing a mask.
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"When that truck hits you,
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"you're not getting COVID,
are ya, mate?"
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But no, we still care.
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We don't care as much
as we used to.
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Do you know how many, ah,
cases there were today?
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No, you don't give a fuck,
do ya?
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It's probably thousands.
No-one gives a shit.
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Remember back when it was
every day, every day?
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"What time's
the press conference on?"
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"What time's Dan speaking?"
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"It's not till 11am.
Fuck, what does that mean?"
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- "Is everyone dead?"
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And then, when the press
conferences were on,
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we would gather around the TV.
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"What's the number?"
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Like we were waiting
for the final number
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to win Powerball.
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"It's a two! It's a two!
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"Two people have got the 'rona.
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"Where are they?
What suburb?
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"Fuckin' bomb that suburb!
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"Build a wall.
They're all dead!"
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"We've gotta live!
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"Life is for the living!"
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It's unbelievable.
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And then I remember when...
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And then Dan...
One day Dan Andrews said,
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"And two people have died,"
and we go, "Ohhh."
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Then he said, "They were
both in their hundreds."
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- No, it's a tragedy!
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Two 107-year-olds are dead!
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The 'rona's taken the best
years of their life!
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They could've been staring
at a wall 'til next Tuesday!
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And now they're dead!
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And no-one can
go to their funeral.
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Oh, no!
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Luckily, their friends died
30 fuckin' years ago.
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What about their children?
Even they died of old age!
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No, no, it was full on.
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It was full on.
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It was a crazy coupla years
we lived through, people.
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It was crazy.
What about you now?
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If it had been a little
while ago, you'd be going,
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"What's the time?
We've gotta get home!
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"What about the curfew?"
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We forget real quick.
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We couldn't leave the house
after nine o'clock at night.
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That was it,
you had to be home.
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I remember one night,
my wife said to me,
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"You put the bins out?"
I said, "No, I haven't."
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She said,
"It's quarter-past nine."
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I was like,
"I fuckin' can't do it now!"
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"I can't go out there now!"
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"If I go out there now,
I'm gonna get pepper sprayed.
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"I'll just throw 'em
over the fence."
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And there was...
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There was one... There was one
night where the kids said...
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Well, I didn't have sandwiches
ready for the next morning
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and I said,
"Well, it's after nine.
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"I can't get a loaf of bread."
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The kids are going, "What about
our sandwiches, Dad?"
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"There's nothing I can do!"
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From our front yard you can see
the light of the 7-Eleven.
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They said, "Dad, it's open!
You can go."
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I said, "I can't. It's a trap,
I tell ya!"
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"If I scurry in there, bloody
Dan Andrews'll be in there...
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"..sucking on a Slurpee going,
'I'm fuckin' waiting for you.'"
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"I was waiting for you."
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Gosh, is Dan Andrews here?
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If you are here, Dan, come up
and slap me, I don't mind.
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Remember when Chris Rock
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got slapped by Will Smith
at the...?
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Chris Rock sold out
his world tour the next day.
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Dan can come up and kick me
in the dick, if he wants to.
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I've already had a vasectomy.
That's useless to me!
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Woo!
- Thank you. Woo! Woo!
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No, I am pumped up.
I am pumped up.
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And you are a great crowd
but I've...
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It's... Has everyone
already had,
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has everyone had COVID here?
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Anyone here
who hasn't had COVID?
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Woo!
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Well, tonight's the night!
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Woo!
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It could be tonight!
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Bring it on!
- "Bring it on," he says!
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But if it is tonight,
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on behalf of everyone else
in the room,
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if you find out you've got
COVID tomorrow,
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everyone else in this room
needs you to shut the fuck up!
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No-one gives a shit anymore!
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I remember when I got COVID...
I mean, I got it.
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It took me
a long time to get it,
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but I had gigs I had to cancel.
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So I put the bloody...
I put my RAT on Instagram,
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thinking I might get
SOME sympathy.
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First comment,
"Get a haircut, fuckhead."
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Well, I can't for a week, mate!
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So, I was the last
in my family to get it.
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Everyone else got it before me
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and, ah, that was the time
if someone got it,
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everyone else
had to stay home.
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And, ah, I remember one day
my 11-year-old daughter was -
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she was coughing, coughing, coughing.
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I had a week of gigs booked,
I'm going, "Oh, I'm praying,
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"oh, I hope
she's taken up smoking."
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I wanted to see a packet
of cigarettes in her lunchbox
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but no, I didn't, no,
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and she showed,
"Two lines, Dad."
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I said, "Ooh, maybe
you're pregnant."
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But no, she wasn't.
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She got it and then bloody,
then bloody, you know,
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the rest of them got it
and I didn't get it.
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And after a week, my wife said,
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"You're not showing me
any affection."
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"Yeah, 'cause you've got
the fuckin' 'rona!"
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"I'm the only one here
in the vulnerable age group!"
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And eventually, I got it
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and my two lines were glowing
so much I thought,
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"If this is a pregnancy test,
I'm gonna be Octomom."
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My wife did not give a shit!
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She said...
She actually said to me,
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"It'd be ironic
if you die now."
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They can play Alanis Morissette
at my funeral.
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No, we're... We're...
No, anyway.
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I can say that, 'cause
she's not here tonight, ah...
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No, she's a great
supportive person of my career,
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although she's not as... No.
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Anyway, my...
No, my family don't...
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I did a gig...
I did a gig the other night
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and when I got home
I said,
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"Honey, the crowd tonight
said I was amazing."
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She said, "People are nice,
aren't they?"
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The kids don't give a shit.
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My son's 13,
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I've got an
11-year-old daughter
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and a 9-year-old daughter,
and they've got no interest,
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no interest
in their father's career.
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My son's completely anti
my career.
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Like, he actively
undermines my confidence.
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I swear to God!
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The other night he got home,
he said,
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"Dad, my art teacher
doesn't think you're funny."
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Ohhh! I said,
"Well, that's a coincidence,
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"'cause when I was
at school
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"my art teacher didn't think
I was funny either, mate.
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"And now I'm rich
and she's dead."
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No, I mean, his art teacher
didn't think I was...
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whatever, good on her.
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No-one at his school apparently
knows I'm his father
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and he wants to keep it
that way.
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"You're embarrassing, Dad."
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00:10:06,626 --> 00:10:08,086
"Yeah, I am and guess what?
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00:10:08,086 --> 00:10:10,793
"My embarrassment paid for
your fuckin' iPad, mate, so..."
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00:10:18,199 --> 00:10:20,824
No, no.
Well, it did, basically.
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No, no, he's a... He's a good
lad, he's a good lad
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but, I mean, he brought
some friends over the other day
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and he said,
"Can you stay upstairs, Dad?"
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- "Don't come down!"
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I had to stay upstairs,
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00:10:31,809 --> 00:10:33,792
like I was the mental cousin
in the attic.
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I just started making noises.
"Aaaargh!"
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"Aaaargh!"
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Anyway... No, he's a good lad.
He's a good lad.
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He also doesn't...
Yeah, anyway, whatever.
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He thinks his mother's
too good for me.
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We were walking down the street
as a family
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00:10:57,171 --> 00:10:59,195
and he said to his mother,
"You don't have to worry
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00:10:59,195 --> 00:11:00,727
"about Dad cheating on you,
Mum..."
214
00:11:04,117 --> 00:11:06,312
"..'cause no-one else
finds him attractive!"
215
00:11:06,312 --> 00:11:07,850
"Is that right, mate?
216
00:11:07,850 --> 00:11:09,750
"Have you done a survey
of everyone, have ya?
217
00:11:10,209 --> 00:11:12,871
"See the way that lollipop lady
over there gave me the eye?
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00:11:12,871 --> 00:11:14,630
"I might go over and pash her
right now!"
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00:11:18,638 --> 00:11:19,932
No, it is great to be here
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00:11:19,932 --> 00:11:21,667
and you are the best crowd
I've ever had.
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I've never been more pumped up!
This is the night of our lives!
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- And good on you!
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00:11:28,983 --> 00:11:32,175
Good on you!- (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
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Good on you for finding
your way into the CBD!
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Who here came on a bicycle?
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00:11:39,667 --> 00:11:40,708
No-one.
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00:11:40,708 --> 00:11:43,399
Those bike lanes are real worth
the effort, aren't they?
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00:11:45,423 --> 00:11:48,090
Who's waiting for Metro Tunnel
to be finished?
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00:11:48,090 --> 00:11:49,318
No, they're not here.
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00:11:49,318 --> 00:11:51,426
They won't be here
for another 30 fuckin' years!
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00:11:53,629 --> 00:11:55,777
How long are they digging for?
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00:11:56,292 --> 00:11:59,417
They stopped digging recently
and I said, "Oh, no, wha-..."
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00:11:59,417 --> 00:12:01,206
They said they've
stopped digging
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'cause the dirt's
contaminated.
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00:12:03,465 --> 00:12:05,642
Stop testing the dirt!
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00:12:07,851 --> 00:12:10,684
Dirt is meant to be dirty,
for fuck's sake!
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00:12:10,684 --> 00:12:15,000
- That's why it's dirt!
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00:12:15,000 --> 00:12:16,734
"Yeah, but we've gotta
put it somewhere."
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00:12:16,734 --> 00:12:19,181
Well, don't tell the people
you're putting it...
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...that it's dirty!
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00:12:21,290 --> 00:12:23,874
Just dump it in the Yarra.
Who gives a fuck?
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00:12:27,642 --> 00:12:30,892
Anyway, no, it is...
It is great to be here
243
00:12:30,892 --> 00:12:33,417
and I do appreciate you
coming along, you know?
244
00:12:33,644 --> 00:12:35,477
Not everything survived
the bloody, ah,
245
00:12:35,477 --> 00:12:37,250
the pandemic though, did it?
No.
246
00:12:37,525 --> 00:12:41,845
The Docklands Wheel,
that's no longer going.
247
00:12:41,845 --> 00:12:43,329
Can you believe that?
248
00:12:43,643 --> 00:12:45,899
I can't believe
the bloody lockdown
249
00:12:45,899 --> 00:12:47,861
affected the Docklands at all.
250
00:12:48,241 --> 00:12:51,170
That joint's been in lockdown
for 20 years, for fuck's sake.
251
00:12:53,458 --> 00:12:55,409
If anyone's used to no people
being there,
252
00:12:55,409 --> 00:12:57,167
it's the Docklands.
253
00:12:59,900 --> 00:13:02,234
You live in the Docklands?
Good on you.
254
00:13:02,434 --> 00:13:03,851
And you're out tonight.
255
00:13:03,851 --> 00:13:05,586
Have you been on
the Docklands Wheel?
256
00:13:05,586 --> 00:13:07,528
- You haven't, alright.
257
00:13:10,317 --> 00:13:12,025
Who else has been on
the Docklands Wheel?
258
00:13:12,225 --> 00:13:15,475
Seven of you.
Well worth the $700 million.
259
00:13:17,709 --> 00:13:20,900
Massive Ferris wheel.
What a waste of money.
260
00:13:20,900 --> 00:13:22,763
I went on it once
'cause my brother,
261
00:13:22,763 --> 00:13:24,661
my 53-year-old brother, Mick...
262
00:13:24,661 --> 00:13:26,209
Go, Mick!
- You like Mick?
263
00:13:26,209 --> 00:13:28,275
Well, he's single, if you're
into it. Anyway, ah...
264
00:13:29,993 --> 00:13:32,744
Mick, if you're watching
this at home, I've...
265
00:13:32,875 --> 00:13:34,875
I'm gonna get her number
for ya!
266
00:13:36,792 --> 00:13:39,058
He's a 53-year-old cheesemaker,
267
00:13:39,058 --> 00:13:40,709
so, yeah, if you're
into Cracker Barrel,
268
00:13:40,709 --> 00:13:42,734
you could have
a lifetime supply.
269
00:13:46,334 --> 00:13:48,068
He is single by the way.
Ah, anyway.
270
00:13:48,068 --> 00:13:50,513
Mick came down from our
hometown of Warrnambool
271
00:13:50,513 --> 00:13:51,809
on a Tuesday.
272
00:13:51,809 --> 00:13:53,726
He said, "Dave."
One clap.
273
00:13:53,726 --> 00:13:57,501
He said, "Dave, I wanna go on
the Docklands Wheel."
274
00:13:57,501 --> 00:13:59,109
I said, "Mick, if that's
your dream..."
275
00:14:01,651 --> 00:14:05,102
"..I'm gonna help you
make that happen."
276
00:14:05,226 --> 00:14:06,601
He said, "Should we book?"
277
00:14:06,601 --> 00:14:09,001
I said, "I don't think that's
gonna be necessary."
278
00:14:11,751 --> 00:14:14,334
"I reckon we take a chance!"
279
00:14:16,026 --> 00:14:19,651
And we turned up on a Tuesday
and we were OK.
280
00:14:19,931 --> 00:14:23,548
Apparently, for 15 bucks each,
we hired the whole thing out.
281
00:14:26,400 --> 00:14:28,609
Oh, it was an exciting ride.
282
00:14:28,609 --> 00:14:31,150
When we got in, they said,
"Strap yourself in,
283
00:14:31,150 --> 00:14:33,109
"you're about to be launched."
284
00:14:33,109 --> 00:14:36,067
What the fuck?
It's a Ferris wheel.
285
00:14:36,208 --> 00:14:39,120
I kid you not, when we got to
the top the voiceover said,
286
00:14:39,120 --> 00:14:41,501
"Behind those buildings
over there to the east
287
00:14:41,689 --> 00:14:44,329
"is the world-famous MCG."
288
00:14:44,585 --> 00:14:47,626
Well, we're gonna have to take
your word for it, aren't we,
289
00:14:47,725 --> 00:14:50,600
because we should've gone
to Eureka, 'cause we...
290
00:14:50,600 --> 00:14:51,934
All we can see from here
291
00:14:51,934 --> 00:14:54,459
is a burglary happening
at West Footscray, basically.
292
00:15:00,804 --> 00:15:03,530
I love you guys, you're
the best crowd I've ever had.
293
00:15:03,992 --> 00:15:06,158
It's the night of my life!
294
00:15:06,359 --> 00:15:08,567
Anyone been on a plane
recently?
295
00:15:09,025 --> 00:15:10,782
Yeah!
- Yeah, and you made it.
296
00:15:10,782 --> 00:15:12,525
Unbelievable!
297
00:15:12,525 --> 00:15:14,758
What has happened to Qantas?
298
00:15:14,983 --> 00:15:16,818
Honestly, they've shat the bed.
299
00:15:18,042 --> 00:15:19,309
I can't say that on radio
300
00:15:19,309 --> 00:15:21,250
'cause they sponsor my show
but, ah...
301
00:15:29,626 --> 00:15:31,626
But they have, haven't they?
302
00:15:31,626 --> 00:15:33,375
I mean, they all have.
303
00:15:33,375 --> 00:15:35,609
I don't know, it's COVID,
apparently, but full on.
304
00:15:35,890 --> 00:15:37,932
I don't know where the focus
is going these days.
305
00:15:37,932 --> 00:15:40,705
They were landing the other day
and the pilot said,
306
00:15:40,705 --> 00:15:43,400
"I'd like to acknowledge the
spiritual owners of the land."
307
00:15:43,400 --> 00:15:45,526
Fair enough, mate,
you gonna pay them any rent?
308
00:15:45,526 --> 00:15:47,651
Wouldn't have thought so.
309
00:15:47,651 --> 00:15:48,793
How about acknowledging
310
00:15:48,793 --> 00:15:51,900
the spiritual owners of the
bags that you've lost, alright?
311
00:15:56,609 --> 00:15:59,900
I don't know if they're looking
after customers well enough.
312
00:15:59,900 --> 00:16:02,184
I went there one morning,
the Qantas lounge, right,
313
00:16:02,184 --> 00:16:03,793
frequent flyer, and I...
314
00:16:03,793 --> 00:16:06,226
It was nine o'clock.
And I don't drink, by the way.
315
00:16:06,226 --> 00:16:08,211
I look like I do, but I don't.
316
00:16:09,098 --> 00:16:11,597
I haven't had a drink for
almost 30 years, yeah?
317
00:16:11,597 --> 00:16:13,084
Whatever.
It's not an AA meeting.
318
00:16:13,084 --> 00:16:15,692
- But I haven't.
319
00:16:15,692 --> 00:16:17,954
But almost every single day
320
00:16:17,954 --> 00:16:20,510
someone will accuse me
of having a hangover
321
00:16:20,918 --> 00:16:22,751
and it's annoying.
322
00:16:22,950 --> 00:16:24,447
I was at the Qantas lounge, 9am.
323
00:16:24,447 --> 00:16:25,698
Woman behind the counter said,
324
00:16:25,698 --> 00:16:27,098
"You must've had
a rough night?"
325
00:16:27,340 --> 00:16:29,923
- I'd had nine hours sleep!
326
00:16:32,793 --> 00:16:35,334
I said, "Nup, but I'm having
a rough mornin'."
327
00:16:35,334 --> 00:16:36,874
She said, "Why?"
328
00:16:36,874 --> 00:16:38,734
I said, "I just met a fuckwit,
to be honest."
329
00:16:40,216 --> 00:16:42,116
She said, "When?"
I said, "Just here."
330
00:16:44,359 --> 00:16:45,983
She's looking round.
331
00:16:47,899 --> 00:16:51,983
Just the two of us there.
Mmmm, do the maths.
332
00:16:52,400 --> 00:16:54,151
Look into my glassy eyes,
333
00:16:54,151 --> 00:16:56,334
you'll see reflected back
a fuckwit!
334
00:16:59,818 --> 00:17:04,067
Anyway. So, anyway,
I'm an interesting individual.
335
00:17:04,353 --> 00:17:06,312
I don't d-... I've given
a lot of things up, guys.
336
00:17:06,312 --> 00:17:08,459
I've become a vegan.
Any other vegans in the room?
337
00:17:09,790 --> 00:17:11,221
Fuckin' thanks for the support.
338
00:17:12,871 --> 00:17:15,063
Is there one, halfway back, yeah?
339
00:17:15,063 --> 00:17:17,603
Good on you. It's not... Two!
Two vegans together.
340
00:17:17,603 --> 00:17:20,635
Well done, you found each other
and we appreciate that.
341
00:17:21,909 --> 00:17:24,643
It's a lonely existence,
being a vegan.
342
00:17:24,899 --> 00:17:27,234
Christmas is not...
It's not good.
343
00:17:27,495 --> 00:17:31,126
We had a pre-Christmas dinner
at my mother-in-law's house.
344
00:17:31,126 --> 00:17:32,268
There's a number of people there,
345
00:17:32,268 --> 00:17:33,451
some of them I didn't know.
346
00:17:33,451 --> 00:17:36,184
She announced to everyone,
"All the food's vegan tonight."
347
00:17:36,184 --> 00:17:40,084
You should've seen the
look of sadness in their eyes.
348
00:17:40,084 --> 00:17:42,192
Then she said, "'Cause of him."
349
00:17:43,869 --> 00:17:47,034
My own son said, "Dad, why
do you even have to be here?"
350
00:17:52,041 --> 00:17:54,375
Anyway, I was on a plane
the other day
351
00:17:54,375 --> 00:17:56,067
and they had muesli
352
00:17:56,067 --> 00:17:57,859
and that had
cow's milk with it,
353
00:17:57,859 --> 00:17:59,009
and I said to
the flight attendant,
354
00:17:59,009 --> 00:18:00,617
"Can I get some soy milk?"
355
00:18:00,776 --> 00:18:02,338
And they said,
"We don't have soy milk."
356
00:18:02,338 --> 00:18:03,659
I said, "Ohhh."
357
00:18:03,954 --> 00:18:06,202
Then the flight attendant
came back
358
00:18:06,202 --> 00:18:08,656
and said, ah,
"You can eat it dry.
359
00:18:08,796 --> 00:18:10,632
"I do that sometimes."
360
00:18:11,007 --> 00:18:13,215
I said, "Fuck, thanks,
Bear Grylls."
361
00:18:15,692 --> 00:18:18,192
"Could I urinate on it as well,
maybe?"
362
00:18:21,067 --> 00:18:22,914
Anyway, no,
it is great to be here
363
00:18:22,914 --> 00:18:23,954
and I've never been
more pumped up.
364
00:18:23,954 --> 00:18:25,213
You're the best crowd
I've ever had.
365
00:18:27,808 --> 00:18:29,725
And I love doing
stand-up comedy.
366
00:18:29,725 --> 00:18:34,834
Yeah, I love it! Yes, I do.- (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
367
00:18:34,834 --> 00:18:37,451
Did a show in the
Comedy Festival this year.
368
00:18:37,451 --> 00:18:39,292
Some people weren't
aware of it, apparently.
369
00:18:39,493 --> 00:18:41,576
I was out the front of my venue
one day
370
00:18:41,576 --> 00:18:42,826
and a bloke walked past
and said,
371
00:18:42,826 --> 00:18:46,632
"Oh, Hughesy. I love you.
What are you up to?"
372
00:18:48,601 --> 00:18:50,060
I said,
"The Comedy Festival's on."
373
00:18:50,060 --> 00:18:51,702
He said, "Oh, who you going
to see?"
374
00:18:57,457 --> 00:18:59,908
"I'm going to see Hughesy,
yeah?"
375
00:19:00,148 --> 00:19:03,398
"Oh, does he still...?"
"Yes, he fuckin' does!"
376
00:19:03,567 --> 00:19:05,692
He does it and he loves it.
377
00:19:05,692 --> 00:19:07,234
Absolutely love it, I do.
378
00:19:07,234 --> 00:19:09,221
I'm bloody pumped up
and I love comedy.
379
00:19:09,221 --> 00:19:10,751
I bloody love it, guys.
380
00:19:10,751 --> 00:19:14,109
I love it more than anything.
This is my joy.
381
00:19:14,109 --> 00:19:17,012
Get to leave the house
and have a good time.
382
00:19:17,012 --> 00:19:20,441
Have a good time with people, yeah?
383
00:19:20,441 --> 00:19:22,958
And you can get a photo with me
afterwards, if you like.
384
00:19:22,958 --> 00:19:24,859
-
- Just get a photo.
385
00:19:24,859 --> 00:19:27,899
I'm into it. I'm right into it.
I'm right into photos.
386
00:19:27,899 --> 00:19:30,692
But don't do what
this bloke did recently.
387
00:19:30,692 --> 00:19:32,435
He said, "Can I have a photo?"
I said, "Sure."
388
00:19:32,435 --> 00:19:33,952
I went to put my arm
around him.
389
00:19:33,952 --> 00:19:35,295
He said,
"No, just on your own."
390
00:19:39,175 --> 00:19:40,517
Well, that's weird.
391
00:19:40,517 --> 00:19:42,433
You could get one of those off
the internet, if you wanted to.
392
00:19:44,859 --> 00:19:46,776
And he said,
"Can you look angry?"
393
00:19:46,776 --> 00:19:48,454
I said, "I fuckin' am angry!"
394
00:19:50,484 --> 00:19:53,317
He said, "Can you put
your finger up to the camera?"
395
00:19:53,317 --> 00:19:54,426
"What?"
396
00:19:54,426 --> 00:19:56,243
He said, "Give the camera
the bird."
397
00:19:56,442 --> 00:19:57,776
So I said, "OK."
398
00:19:57,776 --> 00:20:02,051
He said, "Look really angry."
I said, "OK. Urgh."
399
00:20:02,051 --> 00:20:03,644
I said, "Why am I doing this?"
400
00:20:03,644 --> 00:20:05,981
He said, "I'm gonna send it
to my mate. He hates you."
401
00:20:14,225 --> 00:20:17,163
It was unnecessary.
Stop hating people.
402
00:20:17,429 --> 00:20:18,701
Some people don't like me
403
00:20:18,701 --> 00:20:21,029
'cause during the lockdown
I was on the internet
404
00:20:21,029 --> 00:20:23,958
and I was just expressing
my opinions.
405
00:20:23,958 --> 00:20:26,184
I thought some of the
politicians were going too far.
406
00:20:26,184 --> 00:20:27,433
I'm not gonna lie.
407
00:20:27,433 --> 00:20:29,058
I thought
they were going too far.
408
00:20:29,058 --> 00:20:31,709
I thought they enjoyed
the press conferences too much.
409
00:20:32,005 --> 00:20:33,630
I thought Dan Andrews
in Victoria
410
00:20:33,630 --> 00:20:35,192
was really going for it.
411
00:20:35,192 --> 00:20:37,859
Most locked down bloody city
in the world.
412
00:20:37,859 --> 00:20:39,234
It was a bit much.
413
00:20:39,329 --> 00:20:41,517
Remember when after two years
of being locked down
414
00:20:41,517 --> 00:20:44,182
we all got triple
or quadruple vaccinated,
415
00:20:44,492 --> 00:20:47,075
'cause you just never know
when enough's enough, do ya?
416
00:20:47,514 --> 00:20:49,890
I got vaccinated once
when I went for a jog.
417
00:20:52,140 --> 00:20:53,600
I was jogging in St Kilda
418
00:20:53,600 --> 00:20:55,150
and some bloke out the front
of a caravan said,
419
00:20:55,150 --> 00:20:56,592
"Do you want your booster?"
420
00:20:58,632 --> 00:21:00,549
I said, "I'm going for a jog."
421
00:21:00,690 --> 00:21:03,023
He said, "I've got one more to
give away before I can go home.
422
00:21:03,023 --> 00:21:04,632
"Come on!"
423
00:21:04,978 --> 00:21:06,852
So I jogged into his caravan.
424
00:21:06,852 --> 00:21:09,042
I said, "I don't have
my Medicare card."
425
00:21:09,042 --> 00:21:10,900
He said, "Doesn't matter."
426
00:21:10,900 --> 00:21:13,025
He just stuck it in
and I jogged home.
427
00:21:16,500 --> 00:21:18,709
I have no idea what
he put in me.
428
00:21:22,520 --> 00:21:25,401
But after two years...
And I remember when Dan,
429
00:21:25,401 --> 00:21:26,652
after two years of
being locked down,
430
00:21:26,652 --> 00:21:29,532
Dan went on TV and said,
"I feel like a proud dad today.
431
00:21:29,532 --> 00:21:31,765
"You can come out."-
432
00:21:31,765 --> 00:21:33,625
That's weird.
433
00:21:33,777 --> 00:21:36,900
Proud dad 'cause you've locked
your kids in the basement
434
00:21:36,900 --> 00:21:38,792
for two years?-
435
00:21:39,112 --> 00:21:41,667
Is that how Fritzl felt
when his kids got out?
436
00:21:47,824 --> 00:21:50,267
Alright. Is that a bit much?
Whatever!
437
00:21:51,958 --> 00:21:54,429
Every state premier
was doing it, weren't they?
438
00:21:54,429 --> 00:21:56,776
Oh, my God,
they were all insane.
439
00:21:57,109 --> 00:21:59,427
I actually didn't mind
the New South Wales Premier.
440
00:21:59,427 --> 00:22:02,000
She was letting people get out
and about, Gladys.
441
00:22:02,000 --> 00:22:04,983
I didn't mind Gladys
and then Gladys had to quit.
442
00:22:05,184 --> 00:22:06,726
I thought,
"Why's she quitting
443
00:22:06,726 --> 00:22:09,141
"'cause she's in a relationship
with a guy called Daryl?"
444
00:22:09,651 --> 00:22:12,729
What, you quit being premier
'cause of a bloke called Daryl?
445
00:22:12,944 --> 00:22:15,277
I thought,
"He must be a looker."
446
00:22:15,277 --> 00:22:17,676
Then I saw a photo of Daryl.
447
00:22:18,041 --> 00:22:20,584
Jeez, he must have a massive
Wagga Wagga, that Daryl.
448
00:22:22,818 --> 00:22:26,317
He must have a huge
Wagga Wagga.
449
00:22:26,704 --> 00:22:28,287
But they were all
gettin' involved.
450
00:22:28,287 --> 00:22:29,452
I didn't even know
451
00:22:29,452 --> 00:22:31,310
the Northern Territory
had someone in charge...
452
00:22:32,917 --> 00:22:34,284
...but they were going,
453
00:22:34,284 --> 00:22:36,051
"There's no-one who's got COVID
in the Territory."
454
00:22:36,051 --> 00:22:38,160
That's 'cause there's no
people there, mate!
455
00:22:38,652 --> 00:22:40,878
Test the crocodiles,
you'll find some.
456
00:22:41,844 --> 00:22:43,991
The WA guy was the winner
for me, though, wasn't he?
457
00:22:43,991 --> 00:22:46,309
He was unbelievable.
He was so strict.
458
00:22:46,309 --> 00:22:48,793
I mean, Kim Jong-un was looking
at him going, "Mate..."
459
00:22:53,084 --> 00:22:55,209
"You need to calm down
a bit, mate."
460
00:22:58,018 --> 00:23:01,438
He was so addicted
to bloody publicity.
461
00:23:01,438 --> 00:23:04,167
And, for me, one of
the best stories of 2021
462
00:23:04,167 --> 00:23:06,542
was little Cleo,
the girl who got abducted,
463
00:23:06,542 --> 00:23:08,958
she was found
safe and well, thankfully.
464
00:23:08,958 --> 00:23:12,317
For 19 days, she was abducted,
eventually found.
465
00:23:12,317 --> 00:23:14,771
It was a guy who was obsessed
with Bratz dolls
466
00:23:14,884 --> 00:23:17,277
in a town called Carnarvon.
467
00:23:17,517 --> 00:23:19,851
And what happened?
The day she was found
468
00:23:19,851 --> 00:23:23,542
the WA Premier flew
to that town
469
00:23:23,542 --> 00:23:26,723
to do a meet-and-greet
with a four-year-old.
470
00:23:26,945 --> 00:23:29,403
Mate, she does not know
who you are.
471
00:23:29,651 --> 00:23:32,150
She's not gonna vote for ya.
Fuck off.
472
00:23:33,907 --> 00:23:36,328
And she was with a guy who was
obsessed with Bratz dolls
473
00:23:36,328 --> 00:23:39,567
for 19 days. The Premier
gave her a teddy bear.
474
00:23:39,864 --> 00:23:41,196
I could see the look
in her eyes.
475
00:23:41,196 --> 00:23:42,189
She's looking at Mum going,
476
00:23:42,189 --> 00:23:44,173
"Do I have to go with
this fuckhead now, Mum?"
477
00:23:49,971 --> 00:23:51,853
It was too much!
478
00:23:52,609 --> 00:23:54,026
Anyway, it's great to be here
479
00:23:54,026 --> 00:23:55,433
and you are the best crowd
I've ever had.
480
00:23:56,911 --> 00:23:58,626
I've never been more pumped up.
481
00:23:58,626 --> 00:24:01,317
-
- And I am...
482
00:24:01,447 --> 00:24:03,488
-
- I love it.
483
00:24:03,488 --> 00:24:06,036
I love doing comedy.
I absolutely...
484
00:24:06,036 --> 00:24:07,600
I love hanging out
with new comedians.
485
00:24:07,600 --> 00:24:09,292
They come up with terms
I don't know.
486
00:24:09,609 --> 00:24:11,401
I was backstage
at a little club recently,
487
00:24:11,401 --> 00:24:13,655
there was a bloke on stage
and he said... he said,
488
00:24:13,655 --> 00:24:15,734
"My girlfriend pegged me
last night."
489
00:24:17,183 --> 00:24:19,834
I had no idea
that was a new term.
490
00:24:19,834 --> 00:24:22,250
I thought 'pegging' was when
you put a clothes peg
491
00:24:22,250 --> 00:24:24,109
on the back of someone's shirt.
492
00:24:24,109 --> 00:24:26,543
I was on next after this guy.
493
00:24:26,665 --> 00:24:28,804
I walked on stage and said,
"Who cares?
494
00:24:28,804 --> 00:24:30,626
"My kids peg me all the time."
495
00:24:33,963 --> 00:24:36,822
Then I found out
what it means now
496
00:24:36,822 --> 00:24:38,264
and that you...
497
00:24:38,264 --> 00:24:40,107
Do you know
what that means, sir?
498
00:24:40,107 --> 00:24:41,501
Do you know what 'pegging'
means?
499
00:24:41,501 --> 00:24:43,151
No. No. No. No.
500
00:24:43,151 --> 00:24:44,683
Yep, alright.
501
00:24:44,776 --> 00:24:46,143
Do you know what it means, mate?
502
00:24:46,143 --> 00:24:47,418
Have you heard the term?
Yeah.
503
00:24:47,418 --> 00:24:49,441
Yeah, absolutely. Yeah.-
504
00:24:50,487 --> 00:24:51,728
If you haven't heard that term,
505
00:24:51,728 --> 00:24:54,211
do not Google that at work
on Monday, I can tell you.
506
00:24:55,471 --> 00:24:58,600
It's... Oh, it's when a lady
loves a man a lot, apparently.
507
00:24:58,600 --> 00:24:59,917
It's good.
508
00:24:59,917 --> 00:25:02,401
It's good? Alright.-
509
00:25:04,958 --> 00:25:08,433
I'm not doing it,
'cause I think my wife,
510
00:25:08,433 --> 00:25:10,183
sometimes she might get
so angry that...
511
00:25:10,183 --> 00:25:11,958
Anyway, ah...-
512
00:25:12,100 --> 00:25:13,517
Honestly, I'm not...
513
00:25:13,517 --> 00:25:15,584
Anyway, I...
514
00:25:17,484 --> 00:25:20,859
She made me have a colonic one
day and that was enough for me.
515
00:25:21,014 --> 00:25:23,306
I had no idea
what that process was.
516
00:25:23,306 --> 00:25:25,874
If you don't know what
that is - I had to go somewhere
517
00:25:25,874 --> 00:25:29,234
and a woman tried to shove
a garden hose up my arse.
518
00:25:30,524 --> 00:25:32,455
And the problem is
it wouldn't fit!
519
00:25:33,083 --> 00:25:35,613
That was the toughest
ten minutes of my life!
520
00:25:36,106 --> 00:25:39,930
We recorded it for the radio
and the playback was harrowing.
521
00:25:40,363 --> 00:25:43,488
It's was just me
going, "Aaaargh!"
522
00:25:43,669 --> 00:25:44,917
Then I asked a question
523
00:25:44,917 --> 00:25:47,818
I never wanna have to
ask again in my life.
524
00:25:47,818 --> 00:25:52,067
I said, "Is it in yet?"-
525
00:25:52,067 --> 00:25:54,306
And the answer broke my heart.
526
00:25:55,165 --> 00:25:57,008
She said, "No, it's not."
527
00:25:57,301 --> 00:25:58,884
Oh, my God!
528
00:25:59,105 --> 00:26:00,981
Then she said something
that freaked me out.
529
00:26:00,981 --> 00:26:03,417
She said, "We might have to use
the kids' hose on you."
530
00:26:04,900 --> 00:26:06,714
There's a kids' hose?
531
00:26:07,623 --> 00:26:09,183
Then my ego kicked in.
532
00:26:09,183 --> 00:26:12,167
I said, "I'm a man. You get
that man hose up me!"
533
00:26:14,352 --> 00:26:16,518
"Use a run-up
if you have to."
534
00:26:18,501 --> 00:26:21,109
"Get the receptionist
involved."
535
00:26:25,438 --> 00:26:27,062
Anyway.
No, it's great to be here.
536
00:26:27,062 --> 00:26:31,000
- It is great to be here.
537
00:26:31,000 --> 00:26:34,157
I did recently start vaping,
which is ridiculous.
538
00:26:34,288 --> 00:26:37,834
I'm not proud of it.
It's stupid. It's stupid.
539
00:26:37,834 --> 00:26:39,469
Someone gave me one
on election night
540
00:26:39,469 --> 00:26:41,107
and I sucked on it
541
00:26:41,107 --> 00:26:43,007
and I'm... and it's...- (CACKLING LAUGHTER)
542
00:26:43,007 --> 00:26:44,957
It's not funny!-
543
00:26:45,275 --> 00:26:48,067
I gave up smoking 30 years ago.
544
00:26:48,209 --> 00:26:50,501
Now I'm sucking
on a highlighter, basically.
545
00:26:52,741 --> 00:26:53,911
And they're talking about
546
00:26:53,911 --> 00:26:55,559
teenagers hiding it
from their parents.
547
00:26:55,559 --> 00:26:57,998
What about parents hiding it
from their teenagers?
548
00:26:58,814 --> 00:27:00,181
I rang my wife.
549
00:27:00,181 --> 00:27:01,424
She was in the car
with the three kids
550
00:27:01,424 --> 00:27:03,084
and I had a fresh vape
and I...
551
00:27:03,084 --> 00:27:05,899
It's in Alfoil
so they couldn't see me.
552
00:27:06,000 --> 00:27:08,834
So I opened the packet,
my wife's eagle-eared.
553
00:27:08,834 --> 00:27:11,148
She said,
"What are you opening?"
554
00:27:11,317 --> 00:27:13,650
I said, "A packet of nuts."
555
00:27:14,037 --> 00:27:16,552
My son said, "What sorta nuts?"
556
00:27:17,234 --> 00:27:19,651
I said, "Blueberry ice nuts."
557
00:27:19,651 --> 00:27:21,983
I'm just trying to hide it
from them,
558
00:27:22,074 --> 00:27:25,767
but she's found out and that's
tricky 'cause she's now...
559
00:27:25,767 --> 00:27:27,196
She rang me the other day
and she said,
560
00:27:27,196 --> 00:27:32,180
"I've googled and vaping causes
erectile dysfunction."
561
00:27:32,376 --> 00:27:35,084
I'm like, "Honey, don't make me
choose!"
562
00:27:37,333 --> 00:27:40,167
"This is available to me
every day.
563
00:27:40,504 --> 00:27:42,816
"That happens on my birthdays."
564
00:27:44,750 --> 00:27:47,643
Yeah, I don't do any drugs
apart... I'm not a drug-taker.
565
00:27:47,643 --> 00:27:48,793
I'm not, I'm not.
566
00:27:48,793 --> 00:27:51,234
Now, who here's on
crystal meth? Who's on it, ah?
567
00:27:51,234 --> 00:27:52,842
Yay!
568
00:27:53,024 --> 00:27:55,233
There are only two more sleeps
till Christmas, you'll be OK,
569
00:27:55,233 --> 00:27:57,258
but, ah...
570
00:27:57,605 --> 00:27:59,938
That gets a bad rap, that drug,
but fair enough too.
571
00:27:59,938 --> 00:28:01,666
But I tell you what,
it does do some things.
572
00:28:01,666 --> 00:28:03,722
It gets people out
in the community, doesn't it?
573
00:28:03,722 --> 00:28:07,082
- They don't stay home.
574
00:28:07,376 --> 00:28:10,516
They like to integrate themselves.
575
00:28:10,748 --> 00:28:12,206
And they're not paranoid.
576
00:28:12,206 --> 00:28:14,356
They look in the mirror and go,
"I look good, yep.
577
00:28:14,701 --> 00:28:18,159
"I'm trying to eat me own
teeth, fuckin' fair enough.
578
00:28:18,400 --> 00:28:20,651
"Let's go shopping at Big W."
579
00:28:24,709 --> 00:28:27,000
They interact with me,
these people, though,
580
00:28:27,000 --> 00:28:28,818
because they see me
and they see a kindred spirit
581
00:28:28,818 --> 00:28:30,344
and I appreciate that.
582
00:28:30,660 --> 00:28:32,682
Actually, I was on
the light rail recently.
583
00:28:32,682 --> 00:28:34,359
This is a true story, and this
is when you had to wear a mask
584
00:28:34,359 --> 00:28:35,798
and I'm not sure
if you still do,
585
00:28:35,798 --> 00:28:38,534
but anyway, I was wearing
a mask, got on at St Kilda.
586
00:28:38,534 --> 00:28:39,926
There was no-one else
on the carriage,
587
00:28:39,926 --> 00:28:41,319
I thought, "I'll get into
the city, no worries.
588
00:28:41,319 --> 00:28:45,008
"I'm wearing my mask." Some bloke got
on after me, no-one else in the carriage,
589
00:28:45,008 --> 00:28:48,212
and straight away I could tell
that he was a meth enthusiast.
590
00:28:48,452 --> 00:28:49,990
You just know.
591
00:28:49,990 --> 00:28:51,891
And where did he decide to sit?
592
00:28:51,891 --> 00:28:53,999
Right beside me.-
593
00:28:53,999 --> 00:28:56,566
And he started staring at me.
594
00:28:56,566 --> 00:29:00,799
I'm trying not to freak out
and then he goes, "Hughesy!"
595
00:29:02,629 --> 00:29:04,644
"You're trying to hide
behind that mask
596
00:29:04,644 --> 00:29:07,336
"but I can see you!"
597
00:29:07,850 --> 00:29:09,873
- "I'm not hiding, mate.
598
00:29:09,873 --> 00:29:12,671
"I'm not Michael Jackson
in 1987.
599
00:29:13,107 --> 00:29:15,455
"It's a government regulation!"
600
00:29:15,455 --> 00:29:17,612
He said, "Well, I'm not
wearing one."
601
00:29:17,612 --> 00:29:21,054
I said, "I reckon COVID's the
least of your problems, mate."
602
00:29:24,029 --> 00:29:25,575
Then, I kid you not, he said,
603
00:29:25,575 --> 00:29:27,225
"You wanna know
what I've been up to today?"
604
00:29:27,225 --> 00:29:30,333
And I'm thinking,
"No, I don't."
605
00:29:30,475 --> 00:29:32,559
He said, "OK, I'll tell ya."
606
00:29:32,559 --> 00:29:36,444
And this is true, he said,
"I stabbed two blokes."
607
00:29:36,444 --> 00:29:40,427
I'm like, "Oo-oh!
Well, you've had a full day.
608
00:29:40,826 --> 00:29:42,826
"You have a good old sleep
609
00:29:42,826 --> 00:29:45,100
"and you start stabbing again
in the morning, alright?"
610
00:29:47,918 --> 00:29:52,109
So then he must've felt guilty.
He said, "They deserved it."
611
00:29:52,309 --> 00:29:55,976
I said, "I'm sure they did,
mate. I am Team Stabby!"
612
00:29:55,976 --> 00:29:59,183
"You stab because you care."
613
00:30:00,505 --> 00:30:02,839
Then he said, "They were
trying to steal me drugs."
614
00:30:02,839 --> 00:30:05,947
I said, "Well, clearly,
they failed in that endeavour."
615
00:30:08,096 --> 00:30:10,872
But then he goes,
"What have you been up to?"
616
00:30:10,872 --> 00:30:13,565
and I thought, "Oh, no,
I've gotta step this up."
617
00:30:13,851 --> 00:30:17,934
"I've gotta let this guy know
that I'm a hard man."
618
00:30:17,934 --> 00:30:21,142
I said, "Mate, I've been
on the edge today, as well.
619
00:30:21,142 --> 00:30:23,960
"The law means nothing to me.
620
00:30:24,099 --> 00:30:26,642
"I didn't even tap on
for this ride."
621
00:30:29,166 --> 00:30:33,981
"We're both going to hell
and we're going there for free.
622
00:30:34,142 --> 00:30:37,767
"If a ticket inspector gets on,
you know what to do."
623
00:30:45,059 --> 00:30:46,976
Anyway, if he's watching this
624
00:30:46,976 --> 00:30:48,709
I said I wouldn't tell anyone,
but I have.
625
00:30:48,709 --> 00:30:50,567
Ah...-
626
00:30:52,603 --> 00:30:53,895
There's no inhibitions.
627
00:30:53,895 --> 00:30:55,962
I was in a city car park
one night, alright,
628
00:30:55,962 --> 00:30:57,589
and I'm walking back to my car.
629
00:30:57,589 --> 00:30:59,322
It was a Saturday night,
about 11 o'clock,
630
00:30:59,434 --> 00:31:02,910
and I walked past a guy who was
lying on top of a sleeping bag.
631
00:31:03,153 --> 00:31:04,612
I thought, "Hang on,
he's got no shirt on.
632
00:31:04,612 --> 00:31:06,970
"Hang on, he's got
no clothes on whatsoever."
633
00:31:07,225 --> 00:31:11,267
He was holding an iPad
and he was doing something
634
00:31:11,267 --> 00:31:13,776
he should not have been
doing in public.
635
00:31:13,776 --> 00:31:15,801
It was graphic.
636
00:31:15,899 --> 00:31:18,399
He was on his own,
but I still felt like a victim.
637
00:31:20,167 --> 00:31:21,625
I went back to my car
and I thought,
638
00:31:21,625 --> 00:31:24,066
"You know what,
I'm normally live or let live,
639
00:31:24,188 --> 00:31:25,937
"but I've just walked past
a crime
640
00:31:25,937 --> 00:31:27,712
"and I'm gonna phone
this one in."
641
00:31:28,152 --> 00:31:31,318
So I got my phone out,
I'm standing next to my car
642
00:31:31,318 --> 00:31:33,909
and I was thinking about
ringing triple zero
643
00:31:33,909 --> 00:31:35,754
and becoming
a triple-zero hero.
644
00:31:36,117 --> 00:31:38,034
Then I thought about
what are they gonna ask me?
645
00:31:38,034 --> 00:31:40,480
Am I gonna have to describe
what's going on here?
646
00:31:40,801 --> 00:31:44,176
Gonna have to pick out a penis
in a line-up.
647
00:31:46,653 --> 00:31:49,612
What if this makes the news
and the headline is,
648
00:31:49,612 --> 00:31:51,804
"Dave Hughes helps police
out with their enquiries
649
00:31:51,804 --> 00:31:54,039
"about masturbating man
in car park"?
650
00:31:55,063 --> 00:31:58,778
I thought, "That's not right.
I don't wanna be that guy."
651
00:31:59,043 --> 00:32:00,210
So then I'm standing there
652
00:32:00,210 --> 00:32:03,360
and someone else must've made
the phone call before I did
653
00:32:03,360 --> 00:32:06,798
so five police walked up
the ramp of the city car park
654
00:32:06,892 --> 00:32:08,434
to deal with the wanker.
655
00:32:10,042 --> 00:32:11,754
They walked over and gave him
a bit of a kick, like,
656
00:32:11,754 --> 00:32:12,754
"Put it away, mate, alright?"
657
00:32:12,754 --> 00:32:17,152
And then two of them looked up
and saw me, 30 metres away,
658
00:32:17,434 --> 00:32:20,350
standing there, phone in hand.
659
00:32:24,649 --> 00:32:26,232
They came over, he said,
660
00:32:26,232 --> 00:32:28,056
"Are you the guy that made
the call?"
661
00:32:28,056 --> 00:32:31,088
I said, "Nah.
I was just watching."
662
00:32:38,652 --> 00:32:40,235
Anyway, no,
it's great to be here
663
00:32:40,235 --> 00:32:41,721
and I am so pumped up.
664
00:32:41,721 --> 00:32:43,204
You are the best crowd
I've ever had.
665
00:32:43,204 --> 00:32:45,062
-
- Thank you.
666
00:32:45,062 --> 00:32:46,212
-
- Thank you.
667
00:32:46,447 --> 00:32:48,447
Spending a lot of time
in Sydney at the moment.
668
00:32:48,447 --> 00:32:50,838
Everyone loves Sydney, yeah?- (AUDIENCE BOOS)
669
00:32:50,838 --> 00:32:52,364
Whatever.
670
00:32:54,048 --> 00:32:56,256
Tell you what is different,
the beaches.
671
00:32:56,387 --> 00:32:58,303
I'm a Melbourne beach guy.
672
00:32:58,303 --> 00:33:01,077
I can sorta get away with my
body on a Melbourne beach.
673
00:33:03,684 --> 00:33:05,726
- Thank you.
674
00:33:05,726 --> 00:33:07,644
That gets a cheer here.
675
00:33:07,951 --> 00:33:09,161
My children don't cheer it.
676
00:33:09,161 --> 00:33:11,404
I'm not allowed to have
my shirt off at home!
677
00:33:11,938 --> 00:33:14,398
The other day, my nine-year-old
said, "Dad, you've got boobs."
678
00:33:14,398 --> 00:33:16,256
I said, "You haven't,
so who's the winner?"
679
00:33:19,867 --> 00:33:22,367
On a Sydney beach
I can't get away with it.
680
00:33:22,367 --> 00:33:23,701
They're so fit.
681
00:33:23,701 --> 00:33:25,952
Even in winter, they're ripped.
682
00:33:25,952 --> 00:33:28,812
I'm like, "Fuckin' have a donut
and calm down, you fuckheads."
683
00:33:30,044 --> 00:33:31,736
It's winter!
684
00:33:31,736 --> 00:33:34,300
I was eating chips on
the Bondi Beach recently
685
00:33:34,300 --> 00:33:35,700
and the seagulls were looking
at me going,
686
00:33:35,700 --> 00:33:37,391
"What the fuck are they?"
687
00:33:39,470 --> 00:33:41,720
"We only have kale here."
688
00:33:45,481 --> 00:33:46,940
Anyway, no,
it's great to be here.
689
00:33:46,940 --> 00:33:48,798
But it's been so cold,
hasn't it?
690
00:33:49,034 --> 00:33:50,200
Yes.
691
00:33:50,200 --> 00:33:54,018
ScoMo was right.
It's not easy under Albanese.
692
00:33:56,434 --> 00:33:59,201
Who would've thought that
advertising campaign
693
00:33:59,201 --> 00:34:00,436
wasn't gonna work?
694
00:34:00,896 --> 00:34:03,897
They spent hundreds of millions
of dollars on that thing.
695
00:34:03,897 --> 00:34:05,429
Got 'em nowhere.
696
00:34:05,967 --> 00:34:07,342
Poor old ScoMo.
697
00:34:07,342 --> 00:34:09,867
I mean, he was...
I mean, he tri-...
698
00:34:09,867 --> 00:34:11,934
Anyway, poor old ScoMo!
699
00:34:12,061 --> 00:34:13,728
I knew he wasn't
cutting through
700
00:34:13,728 --> 00:34:18,659
when he gave Joe Biden
$100 billion for submarines.
701
00:34:18,659 --> 00:34:19,746
He was meant to give them
to the French,
702
00:34:19,746 --> 00:34:22,207
but he took it off the French
and he gave it to Joe Biden
703
00:34:22,207 --> 00:34:24,418
'cause he wanted to
suck up to Joe Biden.
704
00:34:24,621 --> 00:34:25,785
And Joe Biden,
705
00:34:25,785 --> 00:34:28,419
at a press conference with
Boris Johnson and ScoMo,
706
00:34:28,419 --> 00:34:31,591
just two people, only had to
remember two names.
707
00:34:32,238 --> 00:34:33,988
Joe Biden said,
"Thank you, Boris,"
708
00:34:33,988 --> 00:34:37,388
and looked at ScoMo
and said, "Aaaah.
709
00:34:37,535 --> 00:34:40,082
"Thanks to the dude
from Down Under."
710
00:34:40,610 --> 00:34:44,151
$100 billion and he can't even
remember his name.
711
00:34:44,267 --> 00:34:47,475
I mean, that says a little bit
about Joe Biden, as well.
712
00:34:47,582 --> 00:34:49,665
I don't know if you've
looked at him recently,
713
00:34:49,665 --> 00:34:52,356
but that is Weekend At Bernie's
style.
714
00:34:55,475 --> 00:34:58,435
Come on. I saw him fall off
a pushbike the other day.
715
00:34:58,762 --> 00:35:00,138
He is struggling.
716
00:35:00,350 --> 00:35:02,449
But I get in trouble
when I mention Joe Biden.
717
00:35:02,559 --> 00:35:05,059
Actually, I had to get
off Twitter after this.
718
00:35:05,059 --> 00:35:08,598
I said something about Joe
Biden which angered everyone.
719
00:35:08,802 --> 00:35:11,794
Joe Biden was doing a speech,
right, and I was watching it
720
00:35:11,794 --> 00:35:13,152
and he was struggling
with his speech,
721
00:35:13,152 --> 00:35:14,966
there's no doubt about it.
722
00:35:15,534 --> 00:35:18,659
So I wrote, "Joe Biden's having
a mad struggle with his speech.
723
00:35:18,659 --> 00:35:20,183
"Is it the autocue?"
724
00:35:20,183 --> 00:35:21,708
And I thought it might've been
725
00:35:21,708 --> 00:35:23,678
because I struggle
with autocues as well.
726
00:35:23,853 --> 00:35:25,770
I've been on TV
for over 20 years,
727
00:35:25,770 --> 00:35:27,536
they never let me
use the autocue
728
00:35:27,659 --> 00:35:29,807
because, apparently,
every time I use it,
729
00:35:29,807 --> 00:35:31,621
it looks like I'm in
a hostage situation.
730
00:35:34,183 --> 00:35:36,976
So I wrote that tweet
thinking no-one would care.
731
00:35:36,976 --> 00:35:38,501
I wrote it and I sent it.
732
00:35:38,501 --> 00:35:40,401
I left my phone
for ten minutes.
733
00:35:40,401 --> 00:35:44,410
I came back and, apparently,
I had started World War Three.
734
00:35:44,948 --> 00:35:47,276
I was trending number one,
two and three,
735
00:35:47,276 --> 00:35:49,342
and none of the comments
were positive.
736
00:35:49,342 --> 00:35:51,534
People were hating on me.
737
00:35:51,534 --> 00:35:53,392
It was unbelievable.
738
00:35:53,392 --> 00:35:55,354
The first comment
was from Wendy Harmer,
739
00:35:55,354 --> 00:35:56,434
a great Australian comedian.
740
00:35:56,434 --> 00:35:59,638
She wrote, "Hughesy,
Joe Biden's got a stutter.
741
00:35:59,638 --> 00:36:01,205
"You should know that."
742
00:36:01,205 --> 00:36:03,574
Well, I fuckin' didn't know it, Wendy.
743
00:36:05,111 --> 00:36:07,069
Did you know Joe Biden
had a stutter?
744
00:36:07,175 --> 00:36:09,384
No, 'cause he doesn't stutter.
745
00:36:09,493 --> 00:36:10,946
Apparently,
he did when he was a kid,
746
00:36:10,946 --> 00:36:13,263
but that was in the 1800s,
for fuck's sake!
747
00:36:15,385 --> 00:36:17,682
For three days,
people were hating on me.
748
00:36:17,682 --> 00:36:19,165
It was unbelievable!
749
00:36:19,420 --> 00:36:21,629
The worst comment I got
was when someone wrote,
750
00:36:21,719 --> 00:36:23,552
"Hughesy, I used to
find you funny,
751
00:36:23,552 --> 00:36:26,619
"but I'm never gonna laugh at
anything you ever say again
752
00:36:26,619 --> 00:36:28,659
"because now
you've punched down."
753
00:36:29,181 --> 00:36:31,389
I had no idea what that meant.
754
00:36:31,496 --> 00:36:32,621
I had to look it up.
755
00:36:32,621 --> 00:36:33,730
It means you're having a go
756
00:36:33,730 --> 00:36:36,169
at someone of a lower
social status than you.
757
00:36:37,917 --> 00:36:40,126
Joe Biden's the President
of America!
758
00:36:42,990 --> 00:36:45,782
I hang out with crackheads
on the light rail.
759
00:36:51,318 --> 00:36:53,652
It was unbelievable.
But anyway.
760
00:36:53,782 --> 00:36:55,824
Good on him
and good luck to him, alright?
761
00:36:55,955 --> 00:36:57,955
Hope it works out for him.
762
00:36:58,075 --> 00:37:00,035
I put a photo up
of my rescue dog,
763
00:37:00,035 --> 00:37:01,769
trying to suck up to people.
764
00:37:01,769 --> 00:37:03,903
- Anyone got a rescue animal?
Woo!
765
00:37:04,216 --> 00:37:05,925
We're the real heroes,
aren't we?
766
00:37:06,100 --> 00:37:07,434
Yes.
- Yes.
767
00:37:07,434 --> 00:37:09,107
I mean, there's all these
people with Cavoodles
768
00:37:09,107 --> 00:37:10,299
living easy lives.
769
00:37:10,600 --> 00:37:14,350
They don't know what it's
like to really love an animal
770
00:37:14,350 --> 00:37:16,920
'cause one thing you know about
rescue dogs when you get 'em,
771
00:37:16,920 --> 00:37:18,707
you know there's
something wrong.
772
00:37:20,148 --> 00:37:22,590
They're not giving away
the good ones, I can tell you.
773
00:37:25,774 --> 00:37:28,440
We got two new rescue cats.
We already had a rescue...
774
00:37:28,440 --> 00:37:30,261
We had two rescue dogs
and a rescue cat.
775
00:37:30,261 --> 00:37:32,870
We got two new rescue cats
during lockdown.
776
00:37:32,870 --> 00:37:34,687
That's a big effort.
777
00:37:34,687 --> 00:37:36,712
- One of them got run over.
Ohhh!
778
00:37:36,712 --> 00:37:39,456
Yeah, it's sad,
but that was during a lockdown
779
00:37:39,456 --> 00:37:41,773
when there was
no cars on the street.
780
00:37:42,059 --> 00:37:44,642
I don't know how it found a car
to run itself over.
781
00:37:45,976 --> 00:37:47,684
Was it a suicide?
782
00:37:49,434 --> 00:37:51,492
It might've been our first
rescue cat
783
00:37:51,492 --> 00:37:53,985
who did not like the new cats,
at all,
784
00:37:53,985 --> 00:37:56,113
Teddy, who's 18 years old.
785
00:37:56,392 --> 00:37:59,684
He's been morbidly obese
for that whole time.
786
00:37:59,826 --> 00:38:01,659
I've had vets over 18 years say,
787
00:38:01,659 --> 00:38:02,976
"You've got to get him
to lose weight."
788
00:38:02,976 --> 00:38:04,767
"Do I, mate?
I don't think so."
789
00:38:04,767 --> 00:38:07,517
- He's happy.
790
00:38:07,517 --> 00:38:09,517
"He doesn't even have an
Instagram account, alright,
791
00:38:09,517 --> 00:38:12,626
"so there's no-one
trolling his selfies."
792
00:38:12,626 --> 00:38:15,151
He goes, "You're overfeeding
him." "No, I'm not.
793
00:38:15,151 --> 00:38:17,486
"He might have a Deliveroo
account, as far as I know."
794
00:38:20,350 --> 00:38:23,309
But morbidly obese Teddy
is still hunting.
795
00:38:23,309 --> 00:38:24,414
Still hunting!
796
00:38:24,414 --> 00:38:25,852
I saw him out in the backyard
the other day
797
00:38:25,852 --> 00:38:27,794
with a pigeon in his mouth.
798
00:38:27,794 --> 00:38:30,444
Not for a second did
I feel sorry for that pigeon.
799
00:38:30,767 --> 00:38:33,350
I thought, "If you're an animal
with the gift of flight
800
00:38:33,350 --> 00:38:35,309
"and you got caught
by that fat fucker..."
801
00:38:37,793 --> 00:38:40,151
"..you deserve to die!"
802
00:38:44,100 --> 00:38:46,350
No, we love... We love Teddy.
We do.
803
00:38:46,350 --> 00:38:48,458
I've got two rescue dogs
as well.
804
00:38:48,458 --> 00:38:51,442
Barkley I've had for 17 years.
805
00:38:51,642 --> 00:38:52,726
17 years!
806
00:38:52,726 --> 00:38:55,960
He's a mid-size mongrel
and for all that time,
807
00:38:55,960 --> 00:38:57,500
he has been biting people.
808
00:38:58,183 --> 00:38:59,550
And that is an achievement,
809
00:38:59,550 --> 00:39:02,293
to keep a dog alive for
that long that bites people.
810
00:39:02,427 --> 00:39:04,636
You know how many crimes
I've had to cover up?
811
00:39:07,367 --> 00:39:10,652
He's never hurt anyone
that bad, but it's stressful.
812
00:39:11,029 --> 00:39:14,113
I remember one day I was
in a park and he bit a kid.
813
00:39:14,273 --> 00:39:15,726
Luckily, the kid wasn't
old enough
814
00:39:15,726 --> 00:39:17,793
to explain to his mum
what had happened.
815
00:39:20,193 --> 00:39:21,694
The kid was about two.
816
00:39:21,694 --> 00:39:23,135
And he didn't even break
the skin,
817
00:39:23,135 --> 00:39:25,628
but the kid's carrying on like
he'd been bitten by a shark.
818
00:39:26,326 --> 00:39:28,284
I'm, "You're OK, mate.
You're OK."
819
00:39:28,284 --> 00:39:30,215
She's on her iPhone,
she didn't see what happened.
820
00:39:30,502 --> 00:39:32,377
I'm like, "What can we do?
Do you want some cash?
821
00:39:32,377 --> 00:39:33,819
"Let's shut up, mate."
822
00:39:36,151 --> 00:39:38,318
Eventually, his mum
looked off her iPhone and said,
823
00:39:38,318 --> 00:39:39,259
"What happened here?"
824
00:39:39,259 --> 00:39:42,846
I said, "Your kid just went
nuts. Can you calm him down?
825
00:39:42,846 --> 00:39:44,078
"He's freaking my dog out."
826
00:39:47,837 --> 00:39:50,420
Some people...
Some people deserve it, though.
827
00:39:50,420 --> 00:39:51,737
I tell people not to pat him.
828
00:39:51,863 --> 00:39:53,029
One woman, one day,
829
00:39:53,029 --> 00:39:55,284
she had dreadlocks
and she went to pat him.
830
00:39:55,284 --> 00:39:56,976
I said, "Don't pat him."
She said, "Why?"
831
00:39:56,976 --> 00:39:58,251
I said, "He will bite you."
832
00:39:58,251 --> 00:39:59,776
She said, "He won't."
I said, "He will."
833
00:39:59,776 --> 00:40:01,676
She said, "He won't,
I'm a dog whisperer."
834
00:40:01,676 --> 00:40:03,895
I said, "Well, guess what,
I can see the future..."
835
00:40:05,212 --> 00:40:08,195
"..and I reckon my superpower's
gonna beat your superpower."
836
00:40:08,512 --> 00:40:11,428
She said, "Watch this,"
and I watched my dog bite her.
837
00:40:13,578 --> 00:40:16,169
She looked at me
like I hadn't predicted it.
838
00:40:17,128 --> 00:40:20,067
"Oh, Nostradamus has got
another right over here, yeah?
839
00:40:20,407 --> 00:40:22,198
"You're a dog whisperer
and he's deaf,
840
00:40:22,198 --> 00:40:23,514
"he couldn't fuckin' hear you!"
841
00:40:25,575 --> 00:40:27,742
"He smelt the dreadlocks
and he went for the kill!"
842
00:40:31,160 --> 00:40:33,452
No, I love Barkley.
We got some tough news.
843
00:40:33,452 --> 00:40:34,993
No, I do love Barkley.
844
00:40:34,993 --> 00:40:37,697
He's a great dog and I walk him
round all the time
845
00:40:37,697 --> 00:40:39,722
and you know what he loves,
he loves to poo in public.
846
00:40:39,722 --> 00:40:41,392
And he won't just do one.
847
00:40:41,392 --> 00:40:43,826
He'll do, like, nine or ten
on every walk.
848
00:40:43,826 --> 00:40:45,701
I reckon he counts the amount
of bags I've got
849
00:40:45,701 --> 00:40:47,100
and makes sure he does
one more shit
850
00:40:47,100 --> 00:40:48,668
than the amount of bags
I've got.
851
00:40:48,668 --> 00:40:51,359
And he always does the last one
in front of people.
852
00:40:51,359 --> 00:40:54,074
He did one in front
of a cake shop one day
853
00:40:54,074 --> 00:40:55,392
and I'd run out of bags.
854
00:40:55,392 --> 00:40:57,267
People were eating
their bloody mudcakes.
855
00:40:59,183 --> 00:41:00,684
I'm like, "You want
another one?"
856
00:41:02,292 --> 00:41:03,525
I had no bags left.
857
00:41:03,525 --> 00:41:05,073
All I could find was
a McDonald's cup
858
00:41:05,073 --> 00:41:07,073
so I scooped the shit in that
859
00:41:07,559 --> 00:41:10,099
and it was a big cup,
and it needed to be.
860
00:41:10,099 --> 00:41:12,091
I'm walking home
with my stupid dog
861
00:41:12,091 --> 00:41:14,575
and a massive cup of shit...
862
00:41:14,575 --> 00:41:17,139
...thinking, "I've worked too
hard to be in this situation."
863
00:41:17,762 --> 00:41:19,441
Normally, I love
getting recognised,
864
00:41:19,441 --> 00:41:21,424
but this wasn't
one of those times.
865
00:41:21,684 --> 00:41:26,225
Two young women said,
"Hughesy, we need a photo,"
866
00:41:26,225 --> 00:41:28,695
and I'm thinking,
"No, you don't. Not today."
867
00:41:29,216 --> 00:41:30,925
They wouldn't take
no for an answer.
868
00:41:30,925 --> 00:41:33,403
I had one under this arm,
one under this arm.
869
00:41:33,403 --> 00:41:34,365
She's trying to work out
870
00:41:34,365 --> 00:41:35,973
the reverse bloody camera
on her iPhone
871
00:41:36,141 --> 00:41:38,141
while I had a cup of shit
in her ear.
872
00:41:40,976 --> 00:41:43,897
Eventually, the smell
overpowered the three of us.
873
00:41:45,074 --> 00:41:47,074
She said, "What's in the cup?"
874
00:41:48,767 --> 00:41:51,959
I said, "That's McDonald's
new thickshake."
875
00:41:56,110 --> 00:41:57,402
Anyway.
876
00:41:57,402 --> 00:42:00,094
No, you're a great crowd.
I've never been more pumped up.
877
00:42:00,963 --> 00:42:03,074
Had some tough news
with Barkley, though,
878
00:42:03,074 --> 00:42:05,052
recently, though,
Barkley, 17-year-old Barkley.
879
00:42:05,052 --> 00:42:08,169
Took him to the vet and
the vet gave him the once-over.
880
00:42:08,326 --> 00:42:10,409
I'll never forget what the vet
said, it was only recently.
881
00:42:10,409 --> 00:42:12,726
He said, "I reckon he's got
about five more years
882
00:42:12,726 --> 00:42:14,016
"left in him."
883
00:42:17,035 --> 00:42:18,409
"Are you sure?"
884
00:42:22,854 --> 00:42:24,604
No, we love Barkley,
885
00:42:24,840 --> 00:42:26,382
but Barkley looks at me
886
00:42:26,382 --> 00:42:28,365
the way the Queen looks at
Prince Charles.
887
00:42:29,973 --> 00:42:31,873
"I'm never gonna fuckin' die!"
888
00:42:35,475 --> 00:42:37,767
He's trying to knock her off,
isn't he, yeah?
889
00:42:37,767 --> 00:42:40,333
He gave her COVID.
He had it seven times.
890
00:42:40,333 --> 00:42:42,400
Every time, he took it
straight home to Mummy.
891
00:42:42,400 --> 00:42:44,175
"Come on, Mummy,
let's have a kiss."
892
00:42:45,635 --> 00:42:47,702
"Tongues tonight, Mummy."
893
00:42:51,349 --> 00:42:52,815
Anyway, no, you're...
This is...
894
00:42:52,815 --> 00:42:55,506
I'm pumped up.
You're a great crowd.
895
00:42:56,717 --> 00:42:58,383
My children maybe
will see this.
896
00:42:58,483 --> 00:42:59,988
Maybe they will, I don't know.
897
00:42:59,988 --> 00:43:02,177
I'll tell you what the best
thing about the pandemic was.
898
00:43:02,177 --> 00:43:04,327
My daughter's ballet concerts
were cancelled for two years.
899
00:43:07,793 --> 00:43:09,607
No, honestly.
900
00:43:09,607 --> 00:43:11,298
They lock the doors
when they start.
901
00:43:11,298 --> 00:43:12,947
It's like a hostage situation.
902
00:43:14,284 --> 00:43:15,762
You can't just watch your kid
and leave,
903
00:43:15,762 --> 00:43:17,613
you've gotta watch everyone.
904
00:43:17,788 --> 00:43:20,911
My nine-year-old had her
first concert recently.
905
00:43:20,911 --> 00:43:23,228
She was crying all
the way through it.
906
00:43:23,576 --> 00:43:25,409
Afterwards, I said,
"What was wrong?"
907
00:43:25,409 --> 00:43:27,434
She said,
"I made a mistake, Dad."
908
00:43:27,434 --> 00:43:29,251
I said, "Who cares?
909
00:43:29,426 --> 00:43:31,340
"The whole thing
looks like a fuckin' mistake."
910
00:43:35,141 --> 00:43:37,433
No, I support...
I do support them.
911
00:43:37,433 --> 00:43:39,637
I mean, I try to get them
involved in my career.
912
00:43:39,637 --> 00:43:41,078
They couldn't give a shit.
913
00:43:41,078 --> 00:43:44,149
Recently, I was on Celebrity
Gogglebox with my children.
914
00:43:44,149 --> 00:43:45,800
Anyone see that?
Yeah!
915
00:43:45,956 --> 00:43:48,456
Yeah, thank you, alright.
Thank you for watching.
916
00:43:48,610 --> 00:43:50,318
And my two daughters
were there.
917
00:43:50,318 --> 00:43:51,514
My son didn't want to do it.
918
00:43:51,514 --> 00:43:52,617
Alright, whatever, mate.
919
00:43:52,617 --> 00:43:53,774
But they're there
920
00:43:53,774 --> 00:43:55,853
and, honestly, five minutes
into watching it...
921
00:43:55,853 --> 00:43:57,838
If you don't know
what Gogglebox is,
922
00:43:57,977 --> 00:44:00,810
you watch TV, people film you
while you're watching it,
923
00:44:00,810 --> 00:44:02,503
and that's TV, apparently.
924
00:44:03,736 --> 00:44:05,595
They didn't like the shows
we were watching.
925
00:44:05,686 --> 00:44:07,849
At that time, Married At First
Sight was one of the shows
926
00:44:07,849 --> 00:44:09,625
and my daughter was going,
"This is weird, Dad.
927
00:44:09,625 --> 00:44:11,693
"Those people aren't
meant for each other.
928
00:44:12,053 --> 00:44:13,428
"Why are they married?"
929
00:44:13,543 --> 00:44:15,751
I said, "'Cause the experts
put them together."
930
00:44:16,143 --> 00:44:18,517
- "But they're not suited."
- "I know they're not suited
931
00:44:18,517 --> 00:44:20,867
"and the experts know as well,
alright, so...
932
00:44:20,867 --> 00:44:23,260
"They want two crazy people to
hang out for a couple of months
933
00:44:23,260 --> 00:44:24,327
"and that's it, alright?"
934
00:44:24,327 --> 00:44:25,625
I wouldn't trust those experts
935
00:44:25,625 --> 00:44:28,691
to match my socks,
to be honest, so...
936
00:44:29,005 --> 00:44:31,005
After five minutes of watching
the show, they're going,
937
00:44:31,005 --> 00:44:32,313
"We don't wanna be here
anymore."
938
00:44:32,313 --> 00:44:34,130
"You've got to.
We've got to do this."
939
00:44:34,130 --> 00:44:35,451
"We know our rights."
940
00:44:35,451 --> 00:44:37,643
What?-
941
00:44:38,032 --> 00:44:39,698
Then they stopped smiling.
942
00:44:39,698 --> 00:44:41,158
I said, "Keep smiling!
943
00:44:41,158 --> 00:44:42,572
"Australia needs to know
944
00:44:42,572 --> 00:44:44,284
"we're a happy fuckin'
family, alright?"
945
00:44:48,214 --> 00:44:51,006
My son, I take him out
to bloody basketball
946
00:44:51,006 --> 00:44:52,139
every Friday night.
947
00:44:52,139 --> 00:44:53,945
He plays in the Under,
what is it,
948
00:44:53,945 --> 00:44:56,554
the Under-something,
ah, Under-14s.
949
00:44:56,700 --> 00:44:58,867
We drive for an hour,
hour-and-a-half,
950
00:44:58,867 --> 00:45:01,501
every Friday night and
the gratitude? There's none.
951
00:45:01,687 --> 00:45:03,478
He's on his TikTok
the whole way.
952
00:45:03,600 --> 00:45:05,581
Drove to Bacchus Marsh recently,
953
00:45:05,581 --> 00:45:06,834
got there and he goes,
954
00:45:06,834 --> 00:45:08,652
"Just drop me off out
the front, you find a park."
955
00:45:10,545 --> 00:45:12,128
"You're not LeBron James,
mate."
956
00:45:15,642 --> 00:45:17,976
He said, "See ya,
wouldn't wanna be ya."
957
00:45:17,976 --> 00:45:21,059
I said, "I think you would,
'cause I've got the car, yeah?"
958
00:45:23,950 --> 00:45:26,367
"It's a lot of dribbling to get
back to St Kilda, fuckhead,
959
00:45:26,367 --> 00:45:27,726
"I can tell you."
960
00:45:33,707 --> 00:45:35,081
No, he's a good kid.
961
00:45:35,081 --> 00:45:37,341
No, he bloody annoys me, though.
962
00:45:37,590 --> 00:45:38,824
He does annoy me.
963
00:45:38,824 --> 00:45:41,270
The other night, his wi-...
Not his wife, my wife!
964
00:45:44,128 --> 00:45:46,236
His mother hugged me
in the kitchen
965
00:45:46,236 --> 00:45:48,095
and he was,
"Oh, this is disgusting.
966
00:45:48,392 --> 00:45:49,806
"Get a room!"
967
00:45:49,965 --> 00:45:51,511
I said, "We've got
a whole house!
968
00:45:51,511 --> 00:45:53,286
"You don't own fuck all, mate,
alright, so..."
969
00:45:56,449 --> 00:45:57,605
"And her hugging me
970
00:45:57,605 --> 00:45:59,520
"is the reason
you're in the world, yeah?
971
00:45:59,813 --> 00:46:03,730
"If she didn't wanna do this,
you would be alive, yeah?
972
00:46:03,855 --> 00:46:05,188
"You're like someone
who likes bacon,
973
00:46:05,188 --> 00:46:07,181
"doesn't wanna see the pig get
slaughtered, aren't ya?"
974
00:46:08,243 --> 00:46:09,479
My wife said, "Am I the pig?"
975
00:46:09,479 --> 00:46:11,331
"No, you're not the pig
in the analogy!"
976
00:46:14,533 --> 00:46:17,075
No, I do, I love my...
977
00:46:17,075 --> 00:46:19,200
My children are amazing
and my wife is amazing.
978
00:46:19,200 --> 00:46:21,726
She's an absolute angel,
no doubt about it, absolutely.
979
00:46:21,726 --> 00:46:23,751
And I think...
I think I'm a good guy.
980
00:46:23,751 --> 00:46:25,735
I think, generally,
I'm a good guy.
981
00:46:25,992 --> 00:46:27,367
I mean, I do things wrong.
982
00:46:27,367 --> 00:46:29,962
I'm a sober guy, I come home
early every night,
983
00:46:29,962 --> 00:46:31,695
but, you know,
but I'm not perfect
984
00:46:31,809 --> 00:46:33,225
and I found that out recently.
985
00:46:33,359 --> 00:46:34,484
I'm lying in bed.
986
00:46:34,484 --> 00:46:36,117
I've started reading a Kindle
to go to sleep.
987
00:46:36,117 --> 00:46:38,681
It's an eReader. You don't
need the bedside light on.
988
00:46:38,681 --> 00:46:40,289
So I read it every night
to go to sleep,
989
00:46:40,289 --> 00:46:41,595
thinking I'm doing
the right thing.
990
00:46:41,595 --> 00:46:44,465
Reading me Kindle the other
night and she just snapped.
991
00:46:44,705 --> 00:46:46,829
She said, "You're ruining
my life!"
992
00:46:47,300 --> 00:46:49,175
I'm like, "Can I just finish
my chapter
993
00:46:49,175 --> 00:46:50,442
"before we go on with that?"
994
00:46:50,442 --> 00:46:52,482
She said, "That's why you're
ruining my life."
995
00:46:52,482 --> 00:46:53,997
I said, "What do you mean
996
00:46:53,997 --> 00:46:55,498
"that's why I'm ruining
your life?"
997
00:46:55,709 --> 00:46:57,459
She said, "It's that Kindle.
You're addicted to it."
998
00:46:58,329 --> 00:47:01,746
"Well, you've lucked out in the
husband stakes, haven't ya?"
999
00:47:02,140 --> 00:47:05,130
"You could have a
heroin-addicted, womanising,
1000
00:47:05,130 --> 00:47:07,694
"gambling addict
who's out every night,
1001
00:47:07,886 --> 00:47:11,678
"but you've got yourself a
dirty, stinking Kindle reader."
1002
00:47:13,851 --> 00:47:18,142
"Some arsehole who comes home
early every night
1003
00:47:18,142 --> 00:47:21,529
"and lies in bed
just to fuck you up!"
1004
00:47:24,030 --> 00:47:26,944
I said, "How is this ruining
your life?"
1005
00:47:26,944 --> 00:47:28,649
She said, "It's so bright,
1006
00:47:28,649 --> 00:47:32,299
"I can't sleep when you read it
and you read it every night."
1007
00:47:32,429 --> 00:47:35,054
I'm like, "It's not a flare,
for fuck's sake!"
1008
00:47:36,352 --> 00:47:38,197
"Can't you shut your eyes?"
1009
00:47:38,941 --> 00:47:41,946
She said, "I can see it
through my shut eyelids."
1010
00:47:42,348 --> 00:47:45,014
"Well, get some thicker
eyelids, you fuckhead!"
1011
00:47:47,309 --> 00:47:50,099
Now guys,
before you cancel me,
1012
00:47:50,201 --> 00:47:54,409
not all of that story
happened out loud.
1013
00:47:57,434 --> 00:48:00,066
Her half did happen out loud.
1014
00:48:00,175 --> 00:48:02,800
My half was
an internal monologue.
1015
00:48:05,244 --> 00:48:08,284
So when she said, ah, you know,
that I was ruining her life,
1016
00:48:08,284 --> 00:48:10,144
I said, "How?"
she said, "The Kindle."
1017
00:48:10,144 --> 00:48:13,153
I said, "I'm sorry."
I said, "What's the problem?"
1018
00:48:13,153 --> 00:48:14,653
She said, "It's too bright,"
1019
00:48:14,653 --> 00:48:16,138
and I said,
"I didn't know, honey!"
1020
00:48:17,926 --> 00:48:19,474
"What do we do?"
1021
00:48:19,474 --> 00:48:21,791
She said, "You can
turn it down,"
1022
00:48:21,791 --> 00:48:24,238
and together
we turned it down so low,
1023
00:48:24,367 --> 00:48:26,617
that I could no longer read it.
1024
00:48:28,793 --> 00:48:30,593
I couldn't tell her that, though.
1025
00:48:30,784 --> 00:48:33,713
She went straight to sleep and
I just dropped it on the ground
1026
00:48:34,068 --> 00:48:36,444
and stared at the ceiling
for six hours...
1027
00:48:37,810 --> 00:48:39,788
...wondering what heroin
was like.
1028
00:48:45,614 --> 00:48:47,447
No, we are a great couple,
though. We are.
1029
00:48:47,447 --> 00:48:49,081
And I've got to say this
about couples
1030
00:48:49,081 --> 00:48:50,066
in long-term relationships.
1031
00:48:50,066 --> 00:48:52,755
We're 20 years down the track.
20 years together.
1032
00:48:52,755 --> 00:48:54,822
It's a good effort, yeah?
20 years!
1033
00:48:57,763 --> 00:49:01,413
And we still have sexy times,
yes!
1034
00:49:01,871 --> 00:49:03,912
Often.-
1035
00:49:04,050 --> 00:49:06,276
You've gotta
keep having sexy times.
1036
00:49:06,276 --> 00:49:07,877
You have to.
1037
00:49:07,877 --> 00:49:10,486
I know that you get tired,
but you've gotta push through.
1038
00:49:12,477 --> 00:49:14,086
There's a lot of women
in this room going,
1039
00:49:14,086 --> 00:49:15,570
"But I work so hard."
1040
00:49:15,570 --> 00:49:18,595
I know you do and that's why
we want to reward you.
1041
00:49:22,668 --> 00:49:25,543
My wife works very hard,
there's no doubt about it.
1042
00:49:25,543 --> 00:49:27,927
She takes the mental load
of the family
1043
00:49:27,927 --> 00:49:29,614
and I appreciate that.
1044
00:49:29,614 --> 00:49:31,930
Not enough, apparently,
but I do.
1045
00:49:32,185 --> 00:49:33,435
But I tell you what,
1046
00:49:33,435 --> 00:49:36,627
her multitasking can become inappropriate.
1047
00:49:36,992 --> 00:49:38,851
Recently, we were in the middle
of what I thought
1048
00:49:38,851 --> 00:49:40,446
was a very sexy time.
1049
00:49:40,446 --> 00:49:41,967
I thought we were
in the middle of it.
1050
00:49:41,967 --> 00:49:43,909
I thought we were focused.
1051
00:49:44,228 --> 00:49:47,186
Then she goes, "Mmmmmm.
1052
00:49:47,186 --> 00:49:49,650
"What are we gonna get
Sidney for his birthday?"
1053
00:49:51,157 --> 00:49:53,282
Sidney's our seven-ear-old
nephew.
1054
00:49:53,631 --> 00:49:56,256
I had my hand
on her tit at the time.
1055
00:49:58,434 --> 00:50:00,532
I'm like, "Honey, I don't care.
1056
00:50:00,532 --> 00:50:02,889
"Let's talk about this
afterwards."
1057
00:50:03,255 --> 00:50:05,672
There's no way... There is
a double standard, guys.
1058
00:50:05,672 --> 00:50:07,572
There's no way,
even after 20 years,
1059
00:50:07,572 --> 00:50:11,266
I could change the subject
during the middle of sexy time
1060
00:50:11,400 --> 00:50:13,540
if she was busting
her best moves.
1061
00:50:13,540 --> 00:50:15,624
There is no way.
1062
00:50:15,624 --> 00:50:17,897
I mean, imagine...
No, don't imagine.
1063
00:50:20,157 --> 00:50:24,672
Just say she was going down
on meee!
1064
00:50:25,068 --> 00:50:28,235
So let's just imagine
it's 2005!
1065
00:50:31,563 --> 00:50:34,648
Then I tap her
on the top of the head.
1066
00:50:35,026 --> 00:50:37,652
"Mmmm, it's going very well,
1067
00:50:37,652 --> 00:50:40,219
"but what are we gonna get
Sidney for his birthday?"
1068
00:50:42,598 --> 00:50:44,723
She would bite my cock off!
1069
00:50:47,608 --> 00:50:50,858
And not a court in the land
would convict her!
1070
00:50:55,165 --> 00:50:57,832
There's definitely
a double standard,
1071
00:50:57,832 --> 00:51:00,458
absolutely, definitely.
1072
00:51:00,685 --> 00:51:03,306
I remember just before
the pandemic hit,
1073
00:51:03,306 --> 00:51:05,310
she went to Bali
on a girls' trip.
1074
00:51:05,310 --> 00:51:07,614
One of her friends
was turning 40.
1075
00:51:07,992 --> 00:51:10,450
And I'm like, "Right, I'll stay
home with the three kids."
1076
00:51:10,450 --> 00:51:12,809
They complained the whole time
she was away.
1077
00:51:12,809 --> 00:51:15,042
"Where's Mum?
When will she be back?"
1078
00:51:15,042 --> 00:51:16,280
I knew that was gonna happen.
1079
00:51:16,280 --> 00:51:18,211
They complain
if she goes to the shops.
1080
00:51:18,314 --> 00:51:21,064
"When will Mum be back?"
"I reckon five minutes.
1081
00:51:21,460 --> 00:51:23,118
"You wanna FaceTime her,
do you?"
1082
00:51:23,868 --> 00:51:25,409
I can go away for three weeks,
1083
00:51:25,409 --> 00:51:27,598
they don't even
look up from their iPads.
1084
00:51:28,390 --> 00:51:31,348
I once rang them
from Montreal, FaceTime.
1085
00:51:31,348 --> 00:51:34,489
I reckon I was a minute
into the conversation,
1086
00:51:34,489 --> 00:51:36,556
my son said,
"Dad, gonna put you down now,"
1087
00:51:36,726 --> 00:51:39,475
and just dropped the phone,
left me staring at the ceiling.
1088
00:51:41,000 --> 00:51:42,817
No-one came to check on me.
1089
00:51:44,175 --> 00:51:45,784
I just hung up.
1090
00:51:46,059 --> 00:51:47,924
Made me think about
50 years' time
1091
00:51:47,924 --> 00:51:50,717
where I'm lying in a nursing
home bed, they're looking over.
1092
00:51:50,717 --> 00:51:52,367
"We're gonna put you down now,
Dad."
1093
00:51:54,059 --> 00:51:55,857
"It's been fun, but it's over."
1094
00:51:56,968 --> 00:51:59,259
Anyway, so she's over in Bali.
1095
00:51:59,259 --> 00:52:01,143
This is the double standard.
I get a text message.
1096
00:52:01,143 --> 00:52:03,501
I reckon it was midnight
on a Wednesday night.
1097
00:52:03,501 --> 00:52:04,819
This is what the message said.
1098
00:52:04,819 --> 00:52:07,269
"Me and the girls are going
for late night massages.
1099
00:52:07,269 --> 00:52:08,761
"Wish us luck."
1100
00:52:09,230 --> 00:52:10,345
"Wish us luck."
1101
00:52:10,345 --> 00:52:12,953
After-midnight
massages in Bali.
1102
00:52:13,404 --> 00:52:15,521
I can tell you, if I'm on
a boys' trip to Bali,
1103
00:52:15,521 --> 00:52:17,254
I'm not sending that message.
1104
00:52:19,934 --> 00:52:21,142
"Wish us luck, honey.
1105
00:52:21,142 --> 00:52:23,127
"Wanna have a happy
ending to the evening!"
1106
00:52:23,792 --> 00:52:25,482
Anyway, so I said, "Good luck"
1107
00:52:25,482 --> 00:52:26,923
and then I woke up
the next morning
1108
00:52:26,923 --> 00:52:30,948
to a photo from her -
it was of her decolletage
1109
00:52:31,040 --> 00:52:33,290
with scratches
over the top of her boobs.
1110
00:52:33,443 --> 00:52:35,110
I'm like,
"What, she's sexting me?"
1111
00:52:35,110 --> 00:52:37,412
I sent a message,
"What happened last night?"
1112
00:52:37,504 --> 00:52:39,587
She sent a message back,
"You a bit suss on me, are ya?"
1113
00:52:39,851 --> 00:52:42,383
- "Well, yes, I am.
1114
00:52:42,383 --> 00:52:44,522
"They're pretty
scratchy boobs!"
1115
00:52:44,769 --> 00:52:47,102
She sent a message back,
"That's cute, isn't it?"
1116
00:52:47,102 --> 00:52:48,711
That's cute?
1117
00:52:48,711 --> 00:52:51,319
I don't reckon it'd be cute if
you were suss on me, would ya?
1118
00:52:51,566 --> 00:52:52,899
If you thought
I'd cheated on you,
1119
00:52:52,899 --> 00:52:55,090
it'd be light rail stabby,
stabby guy, wouldn't it?
1120
00:52:58,285 --> 00:52:59,925
Then she sent a message back saying,
1121
00:52:59,925 --> 00:53:02,659
"I was so relaxed
after the massage,
1122
00:53:02,659 --> 00:53:04,892
"walking back to the villa
I didn't look where I was going
1123
00:53:04,892 --> 00:53:06,751
"and I stepped into a ditch."
1124
00:53:07,100 --> 00:53:09,392
I'm like, "Was there a tiger
in that ditch, was there?"
1125
00:53:10,767 --> 00:53:14,142
"'Cause they are very,
very scratchy boobs."
1126
00:53:14,545 --> 00:53:16,832
Then she said something
I will never forget.
1127
00:53:16,966 --> 00:53:20,050
She said, "I can't even
cheat on you in my fantasies."
1128
00:53:20,050 --> 00:53:21,472
I'm like, "What?
1129
00:53:21,664 --> 00:53:23,265
"20 years together
1130
00:53:23,265 --> 00:53:25,833
"and you've never thought
about another man?"
1131
00:53:25,982 --> 00:53:27,442
And she said, "Yes, I have."
1132
00:53:27,909 --> 00:53:29,642
I said, "Well, isn't
that cheating on me
1133
00:53:29,642 --> 00:53:30,596
"in your fantasies?"
1134
00:53:30,596 --> 00:53:33,956
She said, "No. First, I have to
fantasise that you've died."
1135
00:53:37,664 --> 00:53:39,163
I'm like, "Every time?
1136
00:53:39,163 --> 00:53:41,336
"And can you not use the term
'fantasising'
1137
00:53:41,336 --> 00:53:42,759
"when you talk
about me dying?"
1138
00:53:43,019 --> 00:53:45,684
She said, "Every time."
I said, "Well, how do I die?"
1139
00:53:45,684 --> 00:53:47,475
She said,
"All sorts of different ways."
1140
00:53:52,029 --> 00:53:53,818
I said, "Do I ever suffer?"
1141
00:53:53,818 --> 00:53:57,051
She said,
"Sometimes you suffer a lot."
1142
00:53:57,051 --> 00:53:59,240
"Well done, good on you for
being able to get through that
1143
00:53:59,407 --> 00:54:01,141
"and get on with your life."
1144
00:54:01,417 --> 00:54:02,753
Now it makes me wonder
what she thinks...
1145
00:54:02,753 --> 00:54:04,195
Anyway, whatever, good on her.
1146
00:54:04,909 --> 00:54:06,659
We're a great couple and
we have a great time together.
1147
00:54:06,659 --> 00:54:08,100
We're a beautiful couple.
1148
00:54:08,100 --> 00:54:10,498
And we do. We... we...
Good on us.
1149
00:54:10,632 --> 00:54:11,640
It's not easy, though,
1150
00:54:11,640 --> 00:54:13,164
when you've got children
in the house, you know?
1151
00:54:13,164 --> 00:54:14,315
It's not easy.
1152
00:54:14,315 --> 00:54:16,631
And my wife has got
an open-door policy, yeah?
1153
00:54:17,066 --> 00:54:19,317
So the door always has to be
open to our bedroom.
1154
00:54:19,517 --> 00:54:21,809
She says she wants
everyone to feel safe.
1155
00:54:21,809 --> 00:54:23,726
I'm like, "If they see
what's happening right now,
1156
00:54:23,726 --> 00:54:25,684
"they're not gonna feel safe,
I don't believe."
1157
00:54:27,392 --> 00:54:29,976
That can be really,
really stressful
1158
00:54:29,976 --> 00:54:31,626
if you're in the middle of it.
1159
00:54:31,626 --> 00:54:32,943
Really stressful.
1160
00:54:33,159 --> 00:54:34,682
I remember one night,
we're in the middle of it
1161
00:54:34,682 --> 00:54:38,164
and my son starts running
down the corridor to our room.
1162
00:54:38,617 --> 00:54:41,909
He's going faster than
Usain Bolt at the Olympics.
1163
00:54:41,909 --> 00:54:44,633
He's sprinting towards us
and he's going,
1164
00:54:44,633 --> 00:54:47,742
"There's really scary noises
going on in there!
1165
00:54:47,742 --> 00:54:50,225
"The noises
are freaking me out!"
1166
00:54:50,225 --> 00:54:52,809
We have not got
time to uncouple.
1167
00:54:52,809 --> 00:54:55,156
I'm like, "Well,
run away from the noise!"
1168
00:54:56,515 --> 00:54:59,016
"Why would you run
towards danger?"
1169
00:54:59,145 --> 00:55:02,020
He said, "Dad,
but the noises are scary!"
1170
00:55:02,020 --> 00:55:03,754
I said, "Go to the backyard!"
1171
00:55:04,878 --> 00:55:07,107
"We'll come out
when it's safe!"
1172
00:55:07,505 --> 00:55:09,714
He said, "Dad,
but I wanna come in there."
1173
00:55:09,714 --> 00:55:11,075
I'm like, "If you come in here,
1174
00:55:11,075 --> 00:55:13,851
"I won't be coming anywhere,
will I?"
1175
00:55:16,684 --> 00:55:19,217
And my wife is like,
"You've gotta let him in."
1176
00:55:19,217 --> 00:55:20,890
I said, "I don't want to!
1177
00:55:21,617 --> 00:55:23,742
"It's my birthday!"
1178
00:55:27,647 --> 00:55:31,483
But she says, "Oh, alright,"
and we uncoupled
1179
00:55:32,025 --> 00:55:35,358
and he walked in, he said,
"Is it safe in here now?"
1180
00:55:35,358 --> 00:55:37,923
I said, "Yes, it's safe
in here."
1181
00:55:37,923 --> 00:55:40,615
He said,
"No more scary noises?"
1182
00:55:40,718 --> 00:55:43,635
I said, "No more scary noises.
1183
00:55:43,892 --> 00:55:46,642
"You might hear a noise in the
bathroom in a minute, though."
1184
00:55:48,333 --> 00:55:50,317
"Don't worry about that."
1185
00:55:50,317 --> 00:55:51,551
He said, "What will that be?"
1186
00:55:51,551 --> 00:55:54,326
I said, "That'll be Dad hitting
his dick with a hammer."
1187
00:55:59,483 --> 00:56:03,441
Guys, you have been
the best crowd I've ever had.
1188
00:56:03,586 --> 00:56:06,086
I bloody love you!-
1189
00:56:06,086 --> 00:56:08,570
And who loves
the Masked Singer?
1190
00:56:10,436 --> 00:56:12,478
If you don't know what
the Masked Singer is,
1191
00:56:12,478 --> 00:56:13,705
it's a TV show.
1192
00:56:13,705 --> 00:56:14,979
I'm on it.
1193
00:56:15,076 --> 00:56:18,826
Yes, you have singers in masks
and they sing.
1194
00:56:18,826 --> 00:56:22,227
I sit on a panel
and we guess who they are.
1195
00:56:22,407 --> 00:56:24,365
And it's not easy to guess.
1196
00:56:24,559 --> 00:56:26,017
It can be stressful.
1197
00:56:26,123 --> 00:56:27,582
Really stressful.
1198
00:56:27,582 --> 00:56:29,031
And sometimes the mask
comes off
1199
00:56:29,031 --> 00:56:30,557
and you've gotta keep guessing.
1200
00:56:37,977 --> 00:56:40,805
And if you don't hear Osher
say who it is,
1201
00:56:40,805 --> 00:56:43,412
I'm like, "Who the fuck
did he say?"
1202
00:56:43,412 --> 00:56:45,225
You've gotta be excited about
people you don't know.
1203
00:56:45,225 --> 00:56:47,365
"Oh, no, it's you!
1204
00:56:47,365 --> 00:56:49,474
"I can't believe it's you!
1205
00:56:49,659 --> 00:56:51,617
"I can't believe you'd do
this show
1206
00:56:51,617 --> 00:56:53,892
"'cause I don't know
who the fuck you are!"
1207
00:56:56,744 --> 00:56:58,744
I initially did the show,
1208
00:56:58,744 --> 00:57:00,237
I didn't know
what the show was,
1209
00:57:00,237 --> 00:57:03,074
but I heard I was gonna be with
Dannii Minogue, Jackie O
1210
00:57:03,074 --> 00:57:06,301
and Lindsay Lohan,
and I thought, "And me?"
1211
00:57:06,301 --> 00:57:09,326
And they said, "Yep."
I said, "Well, count me in."
1212
00:57:09,587 --> 00:57:12,879
Lindsay Lohan,
an international star!
1213
00:57:13,005 --> 00:57:15,379
She was famous as a child,
world-famous.
1214
00:57:15,379 --> 00:57:17,029
She did a movie called
Parent Trap
1215
00:57:17,139 --> 00:57:19,807
and then she did a movie called
Freaky Friday
1216
00:57:19,807 --> 00:57:21,290
and then she was a teenager,
1217
00:57:21,290 --> 00:57:23,524
she did a movie called
Mean Girls.
1218
00:57:23,524 --> 00:57:25,064
Massive star!
1219
00:57:25,064 --> 00:57:27,798
Then she made
a series of decisions...
1220
00:57:29,616 --> 00:57:31,115
...and it meant in 2019,
1221
00:57:31,115 --> 00:57:36,807
she flew to Australia to be on
a TV show sitting next to me.
1222
00:57:37,153 --> 00:57:38,736
And the first time she saw me,
1223
00:57:38,736 --> 00:57:40,969
I think she regretted
some of those decisions.
1224
00:57:42,350 --> 00:57:44,536
She couldn't even
understand me.
1225
00:57:44,642 --> 00:57:48,475
She looked at me and said,
"Why do you speak like that?"
1226
00:57:49,350 --> 00:57:50,933
I said, "It's a gift."
1227
00:57:54,285 --> 00:57:57,613
She got told there was gonna be
massive stars on the show.
1228
00:57:57,613 --> 00:57:59,715
She was... She was reaching
for the bloody...
1229
00:57:59,715 --> 00:58:02,365
One night she said,
"I think it's Bruno Mars."
1230
00:58:02,517 --> 00:58:05,684
My main job early on was
just to encourage her guessing.
1231
00:58:05,684 --> 00:58:08,251
I said, "I reckon it might be.
1232
00:58:08,251 --> 00:58:10,151
"He just won 20 Grammys.
1233
00:58:10,151 --> 00:58:12,426
"He's got $800 million
in the bank.
1234
00:58:12,636 --> 00:58:14,219
"This was gonna be
his next move,
1235
00:58:14,219 --> 00:58:15,661
"there's no doubt about it."
1236
00:58:21,664 --> 00:58:23,622
It wasn't Bruno Mars.
1237
00:58:25,001 --> 00:58:27,409
But I got to spend
the night in her hotel room
1238
00:58:27,668 --> 00:58:29,183
'cause a mate of mine,
another comedian,
1239
00:58:29,183 --> 00:58:31,184
was on the show one night,
Nazeem Hussain,
1240
00:58:31,184 --> 00:58:32,376
and she liked...
1241
00:58:32,376 --> 00:58:35,633
They got along well and she
sent him a message afterwards.
1242
00:58:35,633 --> 00:58:37,367
I was hanging out with him
at a hotel and he said,
1243
00:58:37,367 --> 00:58:39,767
"Lindsay Lohan wants us
to come to her hotel room."
1244
00:58:39,767 --> 00:58:41,674
I'm like, "What?"
He said, "Yeah."
1245
00:58:41,674 --> 00:58:44,740
I said, "Oh, my God! Really?"
1246
00:58:44,910 --> 00:58:47,409
And then he sent a message back
and I didn't hear the response.
1247
00:58:47,409 --> 00:58:48,575
I said, "What did she say?"
1248
00:58:48,575 --> 00:58:49,881
"She hasn't responded
to my next message."
1249
00:58:49,881 --> 00:58:50,882
I said, "What was the message?"
1250
00:58:50,882 --> 00:58:54,448
He said, "I sent her a message,
'Should we bring a plate?'"
1251
00:58:55,097 --> 00:58:57,181
I'm like, "Mate, she doesn't
know what that is!
1252
00:58:57,690 --> 00:59:00,492
"She's not a housewife
from Melton, for fuck's sake."
1253
00:59:04,632 --> 00:59:09,257
She came back with the message,
"A plate?
1254
00:59:09,257 --> 00:59:10,989
"Bring a bottle of wine."
1255
00:59:11,079 --> 00:59:13,412
And then we started
freaking out
1256
00:59:13,412 --> 00:59:15,770
'cause I don't drink
and he's Muslim.
1257
00:59:19,099 --> 00:59:22,591
I said, "One of us
is going to hell tonight!"
1258
00:59:23,095 --> 00:59:25,262
We brought a bottle of wine,
none of us touched it.
1259
00:59:25,262 --> 00:59:26,454
She didn't notice.
1260
00:59:26,454 --> 00:59:27,955
But I was hanging out
in a hotel room
1261
00:59:27,955 --> 00:59:31,440
like I was Robert Downey Jr.
in 19-bloody-97.
1262
00:59:31,440 --> 00:59:33,006
I was freakin' out.
1263
00:59:33,110 --> 00:59:35,277
I was so nervous, I went to
the toilet at one point
1264
00:59:35,277 --> 00:59:38,761
just to do a wee, but I got
stage fright in the toilet.
1265
00:59:38,949 --> 00:59:41,324
I'm like, "Oh, no!"
and the clock was ticking.
1266
00:59:41,324 --> 00:59:43,774
I'm thinking, "She's gonna
think I'm doing a shit."
1267
00:59:45,085 --> 00:59:47,402
Have you had a good time, everyone?
1268
00:59:47,402 --> 00:59:51,175
- I love you all.
1269
00:59:51,175 --> 00:59:53,075
I've been Dave Hughes.
1270
00:59:53,075 --> 00:59:55,100
Thank you!