WEBVTT FILE 1 00:00:02.000 --> 00:00:07.000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08.000 --> 00:00:13.000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:25.068 --> 00:00:27.418 [man laughs] 4 00:00:27.462 --> 00:00:29.203 Well, ladies and gentlemen. 5 00:00:29.246 --> 00:00:31.379 You have come to the right place 6 00:00:31.422 --> 00:00:34.904 if you're looking for laughter to break your face. 7 00:00:34.947 --> 00:00:37.428 Because we got people on this show tonight 8 00:00:37.472 --> 00:00:41.389 that are gonna be earthquakian when it comes to laughter 9 00:00:41.432 --> 00:00:43.086 and they're with us tonight. 10 00:00:43.130 --> 00:00:44.914 Put it together, ladies and gentlemen. 11 00:00:44.957 --> 00:00:47.221 [cheers and applause] 12 00:00:47.264 --> 00:00:51.442 Trip's over, hoss. That's three large. 13 00:00:51.486 --> 00:00:53.270 It'll be good to get out of this shithole. 14 00:00:53.314 --> 00:00:54.924 Good evening, ladies. 15 00:00:56.404 --> 00:00:59.102 Still funny now, funny man? 16 00:00:59.146 --> 00:01:03.150 I don't know. Still an asshole, asshole man? 17 00:01:03.193 --> 00:01:05.065 I don't know. Let me check. 18 00:01:08.894 --> 00:01:10.766 There. 19 00:01:10.809 --> 00:01:12.681 Oh, hold on. 20 00:01:12.724 --> 00:01:14.117 [man] Step aside, juanito. 21 00:01:14.161 --> 00:01:15.553 This ain't got shit to do with you. 22 00:01:15.597 --> 00:01:19.035 Sir, listen, we don't want any trouble. 23 00:01:19.079 --> 00:01:20.428 We're very sorry. 24 00:01:20.471 --> 00:01:22.082 [gun cocks] 25 00:01:22.125 --> 00:01:23.735 You got no idea where you are, homeboy? 26 00:01:24.736 --> 00:01:26.260 [speaking foreign language] 27 00:01:26.303 --> 00:01:28.088 The High Desert. 28 00:01:28.131 --> 00:01:30.002 Ain't no law here. 29 00:01:30.046 --> 00:01:31.439 Ain't nobody coming for you boys. 30 00:01:31.482 --> 00:01:33.789 You don't want to do this. 31 00:01:33.832 --> 00:01:35.530 Step aside, Twilight. 32 00:01:35.573 --> 00:01:39.186 This is between me and that pendejo. 33 00:01:39.229 --> 00:01:40.535 Put the gun down, Paco. 34 00:01:40.578 --> 00:01:41.971 Shut the fuck up! 35 00:01:42.014 --> 00:01:45.583 Ignore him. Listen to me. 36 00:01:46.802 --> 00:01:48.195 I'm gonna count to three. 37 00:01:49.196 --> 00:01:51.589 Three, two... 38 00:01:51.633 --> 00:01:53.069 Please don't do this. 39 00:01:53.113 --> 00:01:54.592 [gunshot] 40 00:01:54.636 --> 00:01:56.203 [grunts] 41 00:01:57.204 --> 00:01:58.466 That was a warning. 42 00:02:00.903 --> 00:02:02.513 [Ethan] You missed. 43 00:02:02.557 --> 00:02:04.167 [gunshots] 44 00:02:05.603 --> 00:02:06.648 [gasps] 45 00:02:07.649 --> 00:02:10.826 [suspenseful music playing] 46 00:02:15.222 --> 00:02:16.266 [snarls] 47 00:02:19.617 --> 00:02:21.924 [singer] ♪ Ooh, oh, Do me, baby♪ 48 00:02:24.013 --> 00:02:26.624 ♪ Ooh, oh, do me, baby♪ 49 00:02:28.670 --> 00:02:31.281 ♪ Ooh, oh, do me, baby♪ 50 00:02:34.284 --> 00:02:36.330 [singer] ♪ All right, Stop whatcha doin'♪ 51 00:02:36.373 --> 00:02:37.853 ♪ 'Cause I'm about to ruin The image and the style♪ 52 00:02:37.896 --> 00:02:39.071 ♪ That ya used to♪ 53 00:02:39.115 --> 00:02:40.595 ♪ I look funny♪ 54 00:02:40.638 --> 00:02:42.423 ♪ But yo, I'm makin' money, see♪ 55 00:02:42.466 --> 00:02:43.641 ♪ So, yo, world, I hope you're ready for me♪ 56 00:02:43.685 --> 00:02:44.990 ♪ Now, gather 'round♪ 57 00:02:45.034 --> 00:02:46.992 ♪ I'm the new fool in town♪ 58 00:02:47.036 --> 00:02:48.733 ♪ And my sound's laid Down by the Underground♪ 59 00:02:48.777 --> 00:02:49.952 ♪ I'll drink up All the Hennessey♪ 60 00:02:49.995 --> 00:02:51.562 ♪ Ya got on ya shelf♪ 61 00:02:51.606 --> 00:02:53.564 ♪ So just let me Introduce myself♪ 62 00:02:53.608 --> 00:02:55.262 ♪ My name is Humpty, Pronounced with a Umpty...♪ 63 00:02:55.305 --> 00:02:56.263 [woman] You got this, Pete. 64 00:02:56.306 --> 00:02:58.047 Waddup, girl? 65 00:02:58.090 --> 00:02:59.744 [singer] ♪ Oh, how I like To funk thee♪ 66 00:02:59.788 --> 00:03:01.093 ♪ And all the rappers In the top ten♪ 67 00:03:01.137 --> 00:03:02.791 ♪ Please allow me To bump thee♪ 68 00:03:02.834 --> 00:03:04.314 ♪ I'm steppin' tall, Like, y'all♪ 69 00:03:04.358 --> 00:03:05.446 All right. Yo, Pete. Kill it tonight, man. 70 00:03:05.489 --> 00:03:07.099 You know it, man. 71 00:03:07.143 --> 00:03:08.100 [man] You're getting me on the list, Pete? 72 00:03:08.144 --> 00:03:10.146 Hey. No. 73 00:03:10.190 --> 00:03:12.017 [singer] ♪ I'm spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy♪ 74 00:03:12.061 --> 00:03:14.455 ♪ I'm sick wit dis, Straight gangsta mack♪ 75 00:03:15.412 --> 00:03:16.935 [cheers and applause] 76 00:03:16.979 --> 00:03:18.023 [man] Hey, Pete. 77 00:03:19.764 --> 00:03:22.550 -[cheers and applause] -[laughter] 78 00:03:22.593 --> 00:03:24.639 So, she says, "Look, I understand 79 00:03:24.682 --> 00:03:26.989 that you're unemployed, but can I ask? 80 00:03:27.032 --> 00:03:28.599 How much are you typically spending 81 00:03:28.643 --> 00:03:30.514 on a bottle of wine lately?" 82 00:03:30.558 --> 00:03:33.474 I said, "Honey, no more than ten, fifteen minutes." 83 00:03:33.517 --> 00:03:35.737 -[cheers and applause] -[laughter] 84 00:03:35.780 --> 00:03:37.217 Folks, are you ready to spend some more time 85 00:03:37.260 --> 00:03:38.522 with the next comedian? 86 00:03:38.566 --> 00:03:40.263 Yeah? 87 00:03:40.307 --> 00:03:43.223 Now, help me welcome July Alouise. Yeah. 88 00:03:43.266 --> 00:03:45.225 [cheers and applause] 89 00:03:45.268 --> 00:03:46.748 Thank you. Thank you. 90 00:03:46.791 --> 00:03:49.185 Keep it going for Roy Shackleford! 91 00:03:49.229 --> 00:03:51.274 [cheers and applause] 92 00:03:51.318 --> 00:03:53.407 Yup, it's my birthday. 93 00:03:53.450 --> 00:03:55.104 Thank you. Thank you. 94 00:03:55.147 --> 00:03:57.454 When I was a little girl on my birthday, 95 00:03:57.498 --> 00:03:59.804 I hated to be spanked. 96 00:03:59.848 --> 00:04:02.198 Boy, have I changed. 97 00:04:02.242 --> 00:04:04.026 [laughter] 98 00:04:04.069 --> 00:04:05.810 Now, I have a birthday every week. 99 00:04:05.854 --> 00:04:07.943 Yo, yo. Oh, look at him. 100 00:04:07.986 --> 00:04:09.553 My man. Handsome. 101 00:04:09.597 --> 00:04:11.120 -Look at you, son. -Look at you. 102 00:04:11.163 --> 00:04:12.817 Hey, I got to ask you a question, brother. 103 00:04:12.861 --> 00:04:15.777 Why in the world would you use the C-word at 6:00 a.m.? 104 00:04:15.820 --> 00:04:18.083 Because it's funny all day. Hmm. 105 00:04:18.127 --> 00:04:20.912 For sure, but that clerk was offended. 106 00:04:20.956 --> 00:04:23.306 Who isn't these days, bro? 107 00:04:23.350 --> 00:04:24.786 At least it went viral. 108 00:04:24.829 --> 00:04:26.657 [Sandy] So, you're this week's comedian? 109 00:04:26.701 --> 00:04:28.050 Can you tell me a joke? 110 00:04:28.964 --> 00:04:31.967 Can I just have my room key, Sandy? 111 00:04:32.010 --> 00:04:34.056 [Sandy] Not until you tell me a joke. 112 00:04:35.405 --> 00:04:37.015 -You want a joke? -Yes. 113 00:04:37.059 --> 00:04:38.974 What's the difference between a vagina 114 00:04:39.017 --> 00:04:41.324 and a [bleep]? 115 00:04:41.368 --> 00:04:42.543 You would think she would have 116 00:04:42.586 --> 00:04:43.718 a better sense of humor, you know? 117 00:04:46.111 --> 00:04:47.069 You know what? 118 00:04:47.112 --> 00:04:48.331 Fuck the internet, okay? 119 00:04:48.375 --> 00:04:49.811 And by the way, I'm offended 120 00:04:49.854 --> 00:04:50.986 that you're putting on seven open mikers 121 00:04:51.029 --> 00:04:52.161 in front of me tonight. 122 00:04:52.204 --> 00:04:53.510 Do that on a bringer night. 123 00:04:53.554 --> 00:04:55.207 Bro, they're just my fucking students. 124 00:04:55.251 --> 00:04:56.687 Yeah, I get it. 125 00:04:56.731 --> 00:04:59.821 They pay you, you give them stage time. 126 00:04:59.864 --> 00:05:01.213 You Weinstein them. 127 00:05:01.257 --> 00:05:02.867 I get it. Do it on another night. 128 00:05:02.911 --> 00:05:05.609 No one ever gave the great Pete Brennan a shot? 129 00:05:05.653 --> 00:05:08.133 Hey, hey, wasn't your first time onstage 130 00:05:08.177 --> 00:05:09.396 headlining at The Improv? 131 00:05:09.439 --> 00:05:11.180 That's right. 132 00:05:11.223 --> 00:05:14.096 And I never sucked one dick or licked one ball bag. 133 00:05:14.139 --> 00:05:15.445 -Oh, you didn't? -No. 134 00:05:15.489 --> 00:05:17.317 [applause] 135 00:05:17.360 --> 00:05:19.841 I asked my girlfriend to say something nice about me 136 00:05:19.884 --> 00:05:21.495 and she said, "Well, you know your, uh, 137 00:05:21.538 --> 00:05:23.671 your penis is bigger than all your friends'." 138 00:05:23.714 --> 00:05:26.413 [laughter] 139 00:05:26.456 --> 00:05:28.371 And you can always tell the woman in casinos 140 00:05:28.415 --> 00:05:29.851 that are hookers because they're the ones 141 00:05:29.894 --> 00:05:31.853 -that talk to you. -[laughter] 142 00:05:33.768 --> 00:05:35.726 They say good things come in pairs, 143 00:05:35.770 --> 00:05:37.815 which is a great way to get kicked out of the fruit market. 144 00:05:37.859 --> 00:05:39.904 [laughter] 145 00:05:42.298 --> 00:05:43.604 Danny, PJ's running a little bit late. 146 00:05:43.647 --> 00:05:45.083 I was gonna stick Ethan on next. 147 00:05:45.127 --> 00:05:46.346 Coolio. 148 00:05:46.389 --> 00:05:49.261 Ooh, we got one of your pupils? 149 00:05:49.305 --> 00:05:51.220 -Former alumni. Class of '97. -Makes sense. 150 00:05:51.263 --> 00:05:53.614 That was the last time you wrote a new joke. 151 00:05:53.657 --> 00:05:55.485 That you're still using, biatch. 152 00:05:55.529 --> 00:05:56.617 It's a good bit. 153 00:05:56.660 --> 00:05:58.358 [Pete] Yeah, that's right. 154 00:05:58.401 --> 00:05:59.837 Hey. So, they let you out after storming the Capitol? 155 00:05:59.881 --> 00:06:01.012 [Pete] You know what? 156 00:06:01.056 --> 00:06:02.623 I had a note, okay? 157 00:06:02.666 --> 00:06:04.842 -I never sat on Pelosi's desk. -Okay. Yeah. 158 00:06:04.886 --> 00:06:06.670 Hey, uh, when can we see you in the new episode 159 00:06:06.714 --> 00:06:08.019 of Doomsday Preppers? 160 00:06:08.063 --> 00:06:09.412 I did a self-tape, still waiting. 161 00:06:09.456 --> 00:06:10.413 Bummer. 162 00:06:10.457 --> 00:06:12.241 Hey, do yourself a favor. 163 00:06:12.284 --> 00:06:14.374 Take a look at the kid that I'm sticking onstage next. 164 00:06:14.417 --> 00:06:15.810 Why would I ever do that? 165 00:06:15.853 --> 00:06:17.246 [Roy] You've seen people bomb. 166 00:06:17.289 --> 00:06:19.291 This kid next levels it. 167 00:06:19.335 --> 00:06:20.771 Epic, right? 168 00:06:20.815 --> 00:06:22.338 Yeah, Hiroshima. 169 00:06:23.818 --> 00:06:26.473 This kid eats more dick than K-pop's mother, right? 170 00:06:26.516 --> 00:06:28.126 -Yeah. -And plus, he's got this weird, 171 00:06:28.170 --> 00:06:29.911 like, quirky thing. 172 00:06:29.954 --> 00:06:31.521 It, like, totally draws you in. Trust me. Am I right? 173 00:06:31.565 --> 00:06:33.697 -[Danny] True. -Okay. Let me guess. 174 00:06:33.741 --> 00:06:35.525 He's never had one paid gig 175 00:06:35.569 --> 00:06:37.266 and his social media all starts with, 176 00:06:37.309 --> 00:06:39.224 "The official blah, blah." 177 00:06:39.268 --> 00:06:41.575 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. 178 00:06:41.618 --> 00:06:43.011 This dude is rich. 179 00:06:43.054 --> 00:06:45.013 He does it for the love of the game. 180 00:06:45.056 --> 00:06:47.232 -How papered up? -[Danny] Paper. 181 00:06:47.276 --> 00:06:48.625 -Really? -Yeah. 182 00:06:48.669 --> 00:06:50.671 Dude, fat money. It's--dude, it's crazy. 183 00:06:50.714 --> 00:06:53.543 Like, uh, Waterboy said, man, he got something. 184 00:06:53.587 --> 00:06:55.066 You should go check him out. 185 00:06:55.110 --> 00:06:56.546 Yeah. 186 00:06:56.590 --> 00:06:58.113 So, Fat Mike Pants, 187 00:06:58.156 --> 00:06:59.941 you really should go gluten-free. 188 00:06:59.984 --> 00:07:02.378 Look, how's this fucking crowd tonight, bro? 189 00:07:02.422 --> 00:07:04.293 Okay. Put it this way. 190 00:07:04.336 --> 00:07:05.686 The lady who threw the diamond off the front of the Titanic, 191 00:07:05.729 --> 00:07:08.079 she's in the front row with her parents. 192 00:07:09.124 --> 00:07:10.299 That's old. 193 00:07:10.342 --> 00:07:11.996 -[laughter] -[Pete] Fuck! 194 00:07:12.040 --> 00:07:13.171 Let's go. Let me see his fucking funeral out here. 195 00:07:13.215 --> 00:07:14.477 Yeah, you got it. 196 00:07:14.521 --> 00:07:16.044 -Oh, hey, Pete. -Yeah? 197 00:07:16.087 --> 00:07:17.872 -Don't suck. -Damn it! 198 00:07:17.915 --> 00:07:20.004 -[upbeat music playing] -[laughter] 199 00:07:20.962 --> 00:07:22.442 You're slowing down, bro. 200 00:07:22.485 --> 00:07:25.488 [upbeat music playing] 201 00:07:29.405 --> 00:07:31.015 Oh, you're too kind, you're too kind. 202 00:07:31.059 --> 00:07:33.017 Are you ready for some more comedy? 203 00:07:33.061 --> 00:07:34.497 Let me tell you about this next kid coming to the stage. 204 00:07:34.541 --> 00:07:36.064 He's ridden all the way from Hungary 205 00:07:36.107 --> 00:07:38.283 and once opened for Sebastian Bach, 206 00:07:38.327 --> 00:07:41.069 the pianist, not the heavy metal singer from Skid Row. 207 00:07:41.112 --> 00:07:44.115 Please welcome, the very funny, Ethan Barr. 208 00:07:44.159 --> 00:07:45.290 Come on, Ethan. 209 00:07:45.334 --> 00:07:46.944 -[applause] -Yeah. 210 00:07:48.163 --> 00:07:49.207 You'll be fine. 211 00:07:52.123 --> 00:07:53.168 [clears throat] 212 00:07:58.173 --> 00:07:59.479 Hello, everybody. 213 00:08:00.741 --> 00:08:03.221 I am Ethan Barr... 214 00:08:03.265 --> 00:08:06.529 and I am a vampire. 215 00:08:06.573 --> 00:08:10.707 For the record, I'm neither Team Edward or Team Jacob. 216 00:08:10.751 --> 00:08:12.622 I rooted for the sun. 217 00:08:15.495 --> 00:08:17.105 On account of the daylight... 218 00:08:17.148 --> 00:08:19.324 which is an urban legend anyways. 219 00:08:19.368 --> 00:08:20.717 [man] Yeah, like your act. 220 00:08:21.762 --> 00:08:23.851 [Ethan] Wow. 221 00:08:23.894 --> 00:08:25.679 I haven't seen a crowd this tight 222 00:08:25.722 --> 00:08:29.465 since the Venetians at The Siege of Corfu 1716. 223 00:08:30.553 --> 00:08:31.685 [man] Like, you were there? 224 00:08:32.729 --> 00:08:34.426 I was. 225 00:08:34.470 --> 00:08:37.734 I believe we captured over 8,000 men that day. 226 00:08:37.778 --> 00:08:38.953 Ha! 227 00:08:40.302 --> 00:08:41.738 That was funny. 228 00:08:41.782 --> 00:08:43.566 [Ethan] You'll have to excuse me... 229 00:08:43.610 --> 00:08:44.654 -I told you he had something. -...I'm a bit tired. 230 00:08:44.698 --> 00:08:46.830 That was definitely something! 231 00:08:47.962 --> 00:08:49.137 [Roy] Hey, I told you [indistinct] 232 00:08:49.180 --> 00:08:50.312 [Ethan] The [indistinct] 233 00:08:50.355 --> 00:08:51.792 This is like a derailment, bro. 234 00:08:51.835 --> 00:08:53.663 And, boy, are my arms tired. 235 00:08:53.707 --> 00:08:55.273 How much time has he got left? 236 00:08:55.317 --> 00:08:56.797 He's got like a minute. 237 00:08:56.840 --> 00:08:57.798 [Ethan] And he pulls out a used tampon. 238 00:08:57.841 --> 00:08:59.103 No, in his career. 239 00:08:59.147 --> 00:09:02.106 [laughs] He's got like a minute. 240 00:09:02.150 --> 00:09:04.282 Told you it was hilarious. 241 00:09:04.326 --> 00:09:06.328 All right. Let me go abort this. 242 00:09:06.371 --> 00:09:08.156 That is club's night in Texas. 243 00:09:08.199 --> 00:09:11.376 [laughs] I'll light you at five. 244 00:09:11.420 --> 00:09:13.074 All right. 245 00:09:13.117 --> 00:09:14.902 -All right. Kill it, Champ. -[applause] 246 00:09:14.945 --> 00:09:17.252 -Where are you going? -I think I just sharted. 247 00:09:17.295 --> 00:09:19.820 [Roy] Folks, keep it going for Ethan Barr. 248 00:09:19.863 --> 00:09:21.865 He's new. He's tired. 249 00:09:21.909 --> 00:09:24.607 [man] [indistinct] right over here. 250 00:09:24.651 --> 00:09:27.567 Wow, you're Pete Brennan. 251 00:09:29.394 --> 00:09:30.570 It's a pleasure. 252 00:09:31.745 --> 00:09:33.877 Hey, buddy. How are you? 253 00:09:35.052 --> 00:09:36.924 I saw you in the back. 254 00:09:36.967 --> 00:09:38.055 Okay. 255 00:09:38.099 --> 00:09:39.317 I didn't realize it was you... 256 00:09:40.318 --> 00:09:41.929 until I did. 257 00:09:41.972 --> 00:09:43.887 Oh, yeah. I was the guy who laughed. 258 00:09:43.931 --> 00:09:45.759 And again, thank you for that. 259 00:09:45.802 --> 00:09:48.283 They say, "If you can reach just one person," right? 260 00:09:48.326 --> 00:09:50.633 They do say that. Yeah. 261 00:09:50.677 --> 00:09:51.765 Is that what they say? 262 00:09:51.808 --> 00:09:53.462 I think so. 263 00:09:54.594 --> 00:09:56.639 Bro, could you get closer or-- 264 00:09:56.683 --> 00:09:58.119 -I could. -I'd rather you not. 265 00:09:58.162 --> 00:10:00.295 -Okay. -Jesus Christ, dude. 266 00:10:02.732 --> 00:10:04.691 The real reason I came over here 267 00:10:04.734 --> 00:10:06.301 was to see if... 268 00:10:06.344 --> 00:10:07.998 -Yeah? -...you ever needed 269 00:10:08.042 --> 00:10:11.001 an opener or even had any tips for me. 270 00:10:11.045 --> 00:10:13.482 I'd be... 271 00:10:13.525 --> 00:10:14.570 very thankful. 272 00:10:15.745 --> 00:10:16.964 You're looking for a tip? 273 00:10:17.007 --> 00:10:19.314 That would be incredible. 274 00:10:19.357 --> 00:10:20.924 Here's a tip. 275 00:10:20.968 --> 00:10:24.667 Uh, try not to talk to the headliner's ear off 276 00:10:24.711 --> 00:10:26.495 before he's about to take the stage. 277 00:10:26.538 --> 00:10:27.931 Hear me? 278 00:10:27.975 --> 00:10:29.629 Yeah. 279 00:10:29.672 --> 00:10:31.239 Okay? 280 00:10:31.282 --> 00:10:32.936 Fucking Chatty Cathy. 281 00:10:34.721 --> 00:10:36.374 It's Ethan. 282 00:10:36.418 --> 00:10:38.072 The Insurrectionist of Comedy, 283 00:10:38.115 --> 00:10:41.336 Mr. Pete Brennan. 284 00:10:41.379 --> 00:10:44.687 [cheers and applause] 285 00:10:44.731 --> 00:10:46.254 [man] Don't [indistinct] bro. 286 00:10:49.649 --> 00:10:54.436 Don't talk to comic. 287 00:10:54.479 --> 00:10:56.133 Oh, my God. 288 00:10:56.177 --> 00:10:57.569 Good stuff. 289 00:10:57.613 --> 00:10:59.615 It's like shooting fish in a barrel. 290 00:11:01.008 --> 00:11:03.488 Uh, sorry. You'll get them next time, buddy. 291 00:11:03.532 --> 00:11:05.055 Give it up for, uh, your host, 292 00:11:05.099 --> 00:11:06.840 Roy Shackleford, everybody. 293 00:11:06.883 --> 00:11:08.406 That's right. 294 00:11:08.450 --> 00:11:10.060 [applause] 295 00:11:10.104 --> 00:11:11.540 Give it up for Count Dracula, everybody. 296 00:11:11.583 --> 00:11:13.281 He was, uh... 297 00:11:15.675 --> 00:11:17.067 He was so scary. 298 00:11:17.111 --> 00:11:18.721 He scared the laughs away, right? 299 00:11:18.765 --> 00:11:20.549 [laughter] 300 00:11:20.592 --> 00:11:23.160 When he's here, it's a two-pint minimum. 301 00:11:23.204 --> 00:11:25.336 Yeah. 302 00:11:25.380 --> 00:11:27.643 Good thing he sleeps in a coffin 303 00:11:27.687 --> 00:11:29.601 because he died up here. 304 00:11:29.645 --> 00:11:33.823 I mean, he was-- whew, he was so bad, 305 00:11:33.867 --> 00:11:36.652 he made me wanna drive a stake through my own heart, right? 306 00:11:36.696 --> 00:11:38.828 Even just, you know, just a bit. 307 00:11:38.872 --> 00:11:43.137 [laughter, applause] 308 00:11:43.180 --> 00:11:45.835 Oh, man. Hey, at least he remembered you. 309 00:11:45.879 --> 00:11:47.489 [Pete] ...this Dracula guy? 310 00:11:47.532 --> 00:11:49.709 Oh, come on. Let's get you a drink, all right? 311 00:11:49.752 --> 00:11:51.275 How about a Bloody Mary? 312 00:11:51.319 --> 00:11:53.625 Maybe for you, hold the Mary. 313 00:11:53.669 --> 00:11:56.150 [laughter] 314 00:11:56.193 --> 00:11:57.151 [indistinct chatter] 315 00:11:57.194 --> 00:11:58.282 Hey, Roy. 316 00:11:58.326 --> 00:11:59.806 I'm sorry I missed my set. 317 00:11:59.849 --> 00:12:01.982 Whatever, man. Ethan covered it. 318 00:12:02.025 --> 00:12:03.505 Of all the people, him? 319 00:12:03.548 --> 00:12:05.942 Well, yeah. You weren't here on time. 320 00:12:05.986 --> 00:12:08.379 He was the worst student in our class. 321 00:12:08.423 --> 00:12:11.208 His stupid Twilight joke isn't even accurate, all right? 322 00:12:11.252 --> 00:12:14.168 Everybody knows Edward sparkles in the sun 323 00:12:14.211 --> 00:12:17.562 and frickin' Jacob is a frickin' werewolf, dude. 324 00:12:17.606 --> 00:12:19.086 Come on, man! 325 00:12:19.129 --> 00:12:20.435 This guy needs his own identity, you know? 326 00:12:20.478 --> 00:12:22.959 He's just a Baby Bat poser! 327 00:12:23.003 --> 00:12:25.614 -Beverage? -Oh, God. Perfect timing. 328 00:12:25.657 --> 00:12:26.746 -[Pete] Yeah. -You buying? 329 00:12:26.789 --> 00:12:27.921 I'm out of drink tickets. 330 00:12:27.964 --> 00:12:30.924 -What the-- -Baby Bat. 331 00:12:31.881 --> 00:12:33.274 Hmm. 332 00:12:33.317 --> 00:12:35.406 How original. 333 00:12:35.450 --> 00:12:38.845 PJ, you, my friend, are a cosplayer... 334 00:12:38.888 --> 00:12:40.977 a bad movie reboot. 335 00:12:41.891 --> 00:12:44.067 You crave eternity, yet mistakenly believe 336 00:12:44.111 --> 00:12:49.377 it can be achieved through nihilistic posts online. 337 00:12:49.420 --> 00:12:50.813 And to top it off, 338 00:12:50.857 --> 00:12:54.251 for the rest of your short... 339 00:12:55.296 --> 00:12:56.776 mortal life... 340 00:12:58.299 --> 00:13:00.867 you have to walk around looking like Cher 341 00:13:00.910 --> 00:13:02.956 face-fucked Marilyn Manson. 342 00:13:02.999 --> 00:13:04.653 [electric guitar strums] 343 00:13:09.614 --> 00:13:11.442 I'm not that ugly, am I? 344 00:13:11.486 --> 00:13:14.271 Ugly as a motherfucker, but use it. 345 00:13:16.056 --> 00:13:17.231 Is he serious? 346 00:13:18.798 --> 00:13:20.451 Thanks for telling the audience you knocked me up tonight. 347 00:13:20.495 --> 00:13:24.368 Really racked in the cash, almost cracked minimum wage. 348 00:13:24.412 --> 00:13:26.370 I do what I can to get you more tips. 349 00:13:26.414 --> 00:13:28.024 Come on. Plus, it's funny. 350 00:13:28.068 --> 00:13:29.809 No. It's hack. 351 00:13:29.852 --> 00:13:31.898 Customers were like, "When are you due? 352 00:13:31.941 --> 00:13:33.813 Have you picked out a gender yet?" 353 00:13:36.250 --> 00:13:37.860 Okay. 354 00:13:37.904 --> 00:13:39.775 First of all, gender doesn't exist as a concept, 355 00:13:39.819 --> 00:13:43.083 so you're cancelled, and "hack"? Really? 356 00:13:43.126 --> 00:13:44.084 -Come on. -Is that all 357 00:13:44.127 --> 00:13:45.389 that matters to you? 358 00:13:45.433 --> 00:13:46.608 Well, it's important. I mean-- 359 00:13:46.651 --> 00:13:48.479 Hey, Ethan. Great set tonight. 360 00:13:48.523 --> 00:13:51.613 Uh, I do, however, have some, uh, tips on that Grindr bit, 361 00:13:51.656 --> 00:13:54.311 so we'll talk about it on Sunday, won't we? 362 00:13:54.355 --> 00:13:57.662 Thank you, Steph. I appreciate that. 363 00:13:57.706 --> 00:13:59.186 Hello, Pete. 364 00:13:59.229 --> 00:14:00.622 I just wanted to say great set-- 365 00:14:00.665 --> 00:14:02.711 What's going on on Sunday? 366 00:14:02.754 --> 00:14:05.757 Well, that's actually what I wanted to speak to you about. 367 00:14:05.801 --> 00:14:10.937 Sunday evening, I am having a small to-do at my place 368 00:14:10.980 --> 00:14:13.374 and I would love it if you could make it. 369 00:14:13.417 --> 00:14:17.769 And you are gonna have Stephanie at this to-do? 370 00:14:17.813 --> 00:14:19.162 Yeah, she will be there 371 00:14:19.206 --> 00:14:21.512 as well as Roy, Danny, a few others. 372 00:14:21.556 --> 00:14:23.123 Nothing crazy. 373 00:14:23.166 --> 00:14:24.907 I wanted to formally invite you and Steph said 374 00:14:24.951 --> 00:14:26.996 I should do it myself. 375 00:14:27.040 --> 00:14:28.868 I understand if you're busy, 376 00:14:28.911 --> 00:14:30.782 there's no pressure, but I'd love to have you there. 377 00:14:30.826 --> 00:14:33.263 Okay. Let me tell you something, okay, bro? 378 00:14:33.307 --> 00:14:35.613 First of all, I don't even believe that accent. 379 00:14:35.657 --> 00:14:37.789 You're probably from Cleveland, okay? 380 00:14:37.833 --> 00:14:40.662 Second of all, comics are only busy 381 00:14:40.705 --> 00:14:43.317 when they're getting busy, you know what I'm saying? 382 00:14:43.360 --> 00:14:44.361 Okay. 383 00:14:44.405 --> 00:14:46.624 So, maybe you can come by 384 00:14:46.668 --> 00:14:48.322 and give me some tips or something. 385 00:14:48.365 --> 00:14:49.976 Oh, my God, dude. 386 00:14:50.019 --> 00:14:51.978 What am I, Reddit? You're always asking for tips. 387 00:14:52.021 --> 00:14:53.805 I've known you for eight minutes. 388 00:14:53.849 --> 00:14:55.329 Okay. Here's a tip. 389 00:14:55.372 --> 00:14:57.853 Never try to hit on the comedy club waitress... 390 00:14:57.897 --> 00:14:59.376 Ooh, but Steph... 391 00:14:59.420 --> 00:15:01.639 ...when the comedy club waitress happens to be 392 00:15:01.683 --> 00:15:05.861 the headliner's girlfriend at his home club. 393 00:15:05.905 --> 00:15:07.819 Ah. 394 00:15:07.863 --> 00:15:08.951 Yeah. Okay. 395 00:15:08.995 --> 00:15:10.518 [Ethan] So, I'll see you Sunday. 396 00:15:10.561 --> 00:15:13.869 Oh, I can't wait. We can talk about skin rubs. 397 00:15:14.914 --> 00:15:17.307 When were you gonna tell me about this Sunday? 398 00:15:17.351 --> 00:15:19.309 Oh, I wanted him to tell you. 399 00:15:19.353 --> 00:15:21.964 Thank you, Steph. 400 00:15:22.008 --> 00:15:23.661 Nope, not doing that. 401 00:15:23.705 --> 00:15:26.099 -Doing what? -This whole jealousy thing. 402 00:15:26.142 --> 00:15:27.187 -I'm not jealous. -Yes, you are. 403 00:15:27.230 --> 00:15:28.362 -I'm not. -Uh-hmm. 404 00:15:28.405 --> 00:15:29.929 No need two decades, Pete. 405 00:15:29.972 --> 00:15:31.626 It wasn't cute then and it ain't cute now. 406 00:15:31.669 --> 00:15:35.151 Besides, I thought we could actually go out for once. 407 00:15:37.240 --> 00:15:38.589 I'm out every night. 408 00:15:38.633 --> 00:15:40.417 Yeah, to comedy clubs. 409 00:15:40.461 --> 00:15:42.071 -Yeah. -But, honey, 410 00:15:42.115 --> 00:15:45.466 when was the last time that we actually went out? 411 00:15:45.509 --> 00:15:47.207 You know I have other wardrobe besides 412 00:15:47.250 --> 00:15:50.079 jaded cocktail waitress dress for a funeral, right? 413 00:15:50.123 --> 00:15:51.951 . First of all, I think you look fantastic. 414 00:15:51.994 --> 00:15:54.431 And second of all, you can't say the word cocktail 415 00:15:54.475 --> 00:15:55.955 -without saying the word-- -Cock. 416 00:15:55.998 --> 00:15:57.391 -Yeah. -Yeah. Got it. 417 00:15:57.434 --> 00:15:59.262 Two k-sounds in a single syllable word. 418 00:15:59.306 --> 00:16:00.872 How prolific. 419 00:16:00.916 --> 00:16:02.657 Can you just turn it off for two seconds 420 00:16:02.700 --> 00:16:04.137 and be real with me? 421 00:16:05.051 --> 00:16:06.966 -[sighs] Okay. But look-- -[mumbles] 422 00:16:08.184 --> 00:16:09.403 -I'm going to Ethan's. -Uh-hmm. 423 00:16:09.446 --> 00:16:10.970 I'd want for you to join. 424 00:16:11.013 --> 00:16:13.842 But if you don't, guess what? I'm still going. 425 00:16:17.802 --> 00:16:19.935 [sighs] Fine. 426 00:16:19.979 --> 00:16:21.458 I'll go for, like, an hour, all right, tops? 427 00:16:21.502 --> 00:16:22.851 That's it. But I don't-- 428 00:16:23.765 --> 00:16:25.462 Maybe you'll actually have fun for once. 429 00:16:25.506 --> 00:16:28.813 Oh, and, uh, maybe get some new material? 430 00:16:28.857 --> 00:16:30.554 [clears throat intentionally] 431 00:16:32.121 --> 00:16:33.514 I concur. 432 00:16:33.557 --> 00:16:34.863 Lick my ass, guys. 433 00:16:34.906 --> 00:16:36.256 Wax that thing. 434 00:16:36.299 --> 00:16:38.649 Tongue punch my fart box. 435 00:16:38.693 --> 00:16:40.086 [laughter] 436 00:16:40.129 --> 00:16:41.739 Lick all around my ass 437 00:16:41.783 --> 00:16:44.481 because even my taint is better 438 00:16:44.525 --> 00:16:46.918 than the five minutes I saw you guys do tonight. 439 00:16:47.876 --> 00:16:49.443 [phone ringing] 440 00:16:51.793 --> 00:16:53.621 What's up, Chuck? 441 00:16:53.664 --> 00:16:58.539 Ah! The timeless, old puke joke that never gets funny. 442 00:16:58.582 --> 00:17:00.062 What are you even doing up it's 12:00 noon? 443 00:17:00.106 --> 00:17:02.021 I'm--I'm actually writing new jokes, 444 00:17:02.064 --> 00:17:03.196 not that you care. 445 00:17:03.239 --> 00:17:05.024 Actually, I don't. 446 00:17:05.067 --> 00:17:06.808 Now, listen up, my little meal ticket. 447 00:17:06.851 --> 00:17:08.331 I have a commitment for you to open up 448 00:17:08.375 --> 00:17:10.290 the brand new Russell Peters special 449 00:17:10.333 --> 00:17:12.031 taping at the Sahara. 450 00:17:12.074 --> 00:17:15.817 You know, international superstar Russell Peters. 451 00:17:15.860 --> 00:17:17.340 All right. 452 00:17:17.384 --> 00:17:19.821 I also added a few shitty gigs to your run, 453 00:17:19.864 --> 00:17:21.518 so check your schedule. 454 00:17:21.562 --> 00:17:23.694 What, another bowling alley or another taco stand? 455 00:17:25.000 --> 00:17:27.481 Listen, Pete, as your friend... 456 00:17:27.524 --> 00:17:29.700 you know, you wouldn't have to take all these shitty gigs 457 00:17:29.744 --> 00:17:32.225 if we just stop paying for all those medical bills? 458 00:17:32.268 --> 00:17:34.357 Come on, Chuck. No, don't go there, all right? 459 00:17:34.401 --> 00:17:35.837 Look. 460 00:17:35.880 --> 00:17:37.578 I'm just saying, there are some other ways, 461 00:17:37.621 --> 00:17:41.060 some of them even legal for you to dig out of your hole. 462 00:17:41.103 --> 00:17:43.410 There's nothing more American than filing bankruptcy. 463 00:17:43.453 --> 00:17:46.195 Dude, I looked into it, okay? It's 2,500 bucks. 464 00:17:46.239 --> 00:17:48.850 I don't even have enough money to claim I don't have any money. 465 00:17:48.893 --> 00:17:50.982 [laughs] That's hilarious. 466 00:17:51.026 --> 00:17:53.202 Please tell me you used that in the rotation. 467 00:17:53.246 --> 00:17:54.421 It's not a joke. 468 00:17:54.464 --> 00:17:56.379 Unfortunately, it's my life. 469 00:17:56.423 --> 00:17:59.208 Well, your misery is hilarious. 470 00:18:00.253 --> 00:18:02.298 Okay, look. 471 00:18:02.342 --> 00:18:04.126 I'm only gonna do this Russell gig 472 00:18:04.170 --> 00:18:05.780 because I wanna be seen by the network execs. 473 00:18:05.823 --> 00:18:07.173 That's it. 474 00:18:07.216 --> 00:18:09.566 I need you to schmooze the suits, Chuck. 475 00:18:09.610 --> 00:18:12.047 Do your job, Chuck. No offense. 476 00:18:12.091 --> 00:18:14.223 Huh. Tons taken. 477 00:18:14.267 --> 00:18:15.920 By the way, duly noted. 478 00:18:15.964 --> 00:18:18.184 Listen, do me a favor. 479 00:18:18.227 --> 00:18:19.533 Pick an opener 480 00:18:19.576 --> 00:18:21.143 or one's gonna be appointed for you. 481 00:18:21.187 --> 00:18:22.536 Hold on. No, Chuck. 482 00:18:22.579 --> 00:18:24.146 I'm not getting stuck in the road 483 00:18:24.190 --> 00:18:26.888 with one of your social media influencers. 484 00:18:26.931 --> 00:18:29.195 I don't need somebody who can't actually tell a joke. 485 00:18:29.238 --> 00:18:31.197 What do you do with them, you pay for play? 486 00:18:32.459 --> 00:18:34.200 All right. 487 00:18:34.243 --> 00:18:35.331 Now, you can stop pretending like you're writing jokes, 488 00:18:35.375 --> 00:18:36.506 and go back to watching porn. 489 00:18:36.550 --> 00:18:37.986 Fire a little toddler juice 490 00:18:38.029 --> 00:18:40.945 into a tissue of love, you weirdo. 491 00:18:40.989 --> 00:18:43.426 I'm not--I'm not on porn. 492 00:18:43.470 --> 00:18:45.428 [woman moaning] 493 00:18:45.472 --> 00:18:48.127 [ominous music playing] 494 00:18:48.170 --> 00:18:50.694 Wasn't there a helicopter in Scarface? 495 00:18:50.738 --> 00:18:52.566 Remember the guy hanging? 496 00:18:52.609 --> 00:18:55.743 This is kind of, like, a James Bond villain. 497 00:18:55.786 --> 00:18:57.266 Holy. 498 00:18:58.615 --> 00:19:01.314 My God, this is... 499 00:19:01.357 --> 00:19:03.403 Okay. I think you should slow down. 500 00:19:03.446 --> 00:19:05.187 Why? 501 00:19:05.231 --> 00:19:07.146 You invite me out, the least I can do is get toasty. 502 00:19:07.189 --> 00:19:08.930 You're toasty enough, trust me. 503 00:19:08.973 --> 00:19:10.932 Get that--you promised. 504 00:19:10.975 --> 00:19:12.194 Oh, God. 505 00:19:12.238 --> 00:19:13.195 I'm gonna knock the door 'cause apparently, 506 00:19:13.239 --> 00:19:14.327 chivalry is dead. 507 00:19:15.719 --> 00:19:18.113 [Pete] I don't wanna chip my nails. 508 00:19:18.157 --> 00:19:19.506 Like the fun cop is here. 509 00:19:19.549 --> 00:19:21.116 -[door opens] -What the... 510 00:19:22.248 --> 00:19:23.597 How can I help you guys? 511 00:19:23.640 --> 00:19:26.730 Whoa! It's like Thanos in a sport coat. 512 00:19:26.774 --> 00:19:28.558 -Thank you. -You're welcome. 513 00:19:28.602 --> 00:19:30.212 -Yeah. -I'm scared. 514 00:19:30.256 --> 00:19:33.128 Uh, can Ethan come out to play? 515 00:19:33.172 --> 00:19:34.347 [Ethan] It's okay. 516 00:19:34.390 --> 00:19:35.652 -It's cool? -Uh-hmm. 517 00:19:35.696 --> 00:19:37.045 Okay. 518 00:19:37.088 --> 00:19:39.178 -Hey. -[Ethan] Thank you, Heegan. 519 00:19:39.221 --> 00:19:40.527 Welcome to my home. 520 00:19:40.570 --> 00:19:41.919 [Stephanie] Incredible. 521 00:19:41.963 --> 00:19:43.791 Enthralled you both could make it. 522 00:19:44.748 --> 00:19:46.141 This is for you. 523 00:19:46.185 --> 00:19:47.751 Steph, thank you. 524 00:19:48.709 --> 00:19:51.015 Pinot. Hmm. 525 00:19:51.059 --> 00:19:53.888 Pete picked it out just like our outfits, 526 00:19:53.931 --> 00:19:56.064 so if it sucks... 527 00:19:56.107 --> 00:19:57.935 I thought it'd compliment the whole Renfield thing, 528 00:19:57.979 --> 00:19:59.546 you know, and really go with your motif. 529 00:19:59.589 --> 00:20:02.462 That is so thoughtful, Pete. 530 00:20:02.505 --> 00:20:04.594 Though, Renfield was an assistant. 531 00:20:04.638 --> 00:20:07.597 I was clearly a Baron. 532 00:20:07.641 --> 00:20:10.774 But I appreciate the sentiment. 533 00:20:10.818 --> 00:20:13.081 Please, do come in. 534 00:20:13.124 --> 00:20:14.952 Do come in. 535 00:20:16.345 --> 00:20:20.219 This dude really is committed to this. 536 00:20:23.265 --> 00:20:26.007 [Ethan] Pete, would you mind closing the door, please? 537 00:20:29.271 --> 00:20:32.274 [dramatic music playing] 538 00:20:35.669 --> 00:20:37.714 [grunting] 539 00:20:50.466 --> 00:20:53.513 [door creaking] 540 00:20:58.909 --> 00:21:00.433 -Jackpot! -It's cool? 541 00:21:00.476 --> 00:21:02.348 -I'd love to. -Yeah, yeah. It's my pleasure. 542 00:21:02.391 --> 00:21:04.393 He might be single for the right girl. 543 00:21:04.437 --> 00:21:07.875 And this is my game room. 544 00:21:07.918 --> 00:21:10.181 [Stephanie] Should have worn my cleavage. 545 00:21:10.225 --> 00:21:11.618 Oh, shit, I haven't seen that dude 546 00:21:11.661 --> 00:21:13.663 since Counting Crows broke up. 547 00:21:13.707 --> 00:21:15.099 Hey, Pete Brennan! How are you, man? 548 00:21:15.143 --> 00:21:16.666 [Pete] Yeah. I'm doing good. 549 00:21:16.710 --> 00:21:19.539 Well, I'm, uh, free next two months if... 550 00:21:19.582 --> 00:21:21.018 You know, come to a guest set, 551 00:21:21.062 --> 00:21:22.498 they love to see you, just pop in. 552 00:21:22.542 --> 00:21:23.630 Eight minutes? 553 00:21:23.673 --> 00:21:25.284 Uh, well, give it ten minutes. 554 00:21:25.327 --> 00:21:27.547 -Okay [indistinct] -All right. 555 00:21:27.590 --> 00:21:29.636 -Take care, Pete. -Harry, you look great. 556 00:21:29.679 --> 00:21:30.854 You too, buddy. Love you, man. 557 00:21:30.898 --> 00:21:32.943 Man, back at you, dude. 558 00:21:32.987 --> 00:21:35.119 [Stephanie] That went well. 559 00:21:36.512 --> 00:21:40.037 [Chuck] Hey, what's up, monkey-tits? 560 00:21:40.081 --> 00:21:41.735 What's up, Chuck? 561 00:21:41.778 --> 00:21:44.346 [chuckle] Swing and a miss! 562 00:21:45.608 --> 00:21:46.740 What are you doing here? 563 00:21:46.783 --> 00:21:48.742 Checking out the new talent. 564 00:21:48.785 --> 00:21:50.483 When you're saying new talent, 565 00:21:50.526 --> 00:21:53.181 I hope you mean females 566 00:21:53.224 --> 00:21:54.791 and not the emo kid who lives here. 567 00:21:54.835 --> 00:21:57.577 Hey, I know you may find this tough to believe, 568 00:21:57.620 --> 00:22:00.928 but you are not the only open miker on my roster. 569 00:22:00.971 --> 00:22:02.669 -Hey! -Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 570 00:22:02.712 --> 00:22:05.149 Easy, cockbreath, all right? I'm working for you. 571 00:22:05.193 --> 00:22:06.716 Didn't you get my message? 572 00:22:06.760 --> 00:22:08.936 I got you the cover of Middle Act Magazine. 573 00:22:08.979 --> 00:22:10.764 -Oh! -Ho, ho. Hey! 574 00:22:10.807 --> 00:22:12.156 Now, shut your chicken skimmer 575 00:22:12.200 --> 00:22:13.332 and let's do another shot. 576 00:22:13.375 --> 00:22:14.985 Ain't got to tell me twice. 577 00:22:15.029 --> 00:22:16.552 Who wants another shot? 578 00:22:16.596 --> 00:22:18.337 -Yeah. Always. -Oh, yeah. No. 579 00:22:18.380 --> 00:22:20.904 I would absolutely love to, except it looks like 580 00:22:20.948 --> 00:22:23.951 I'm designated driver tonight again. 581 00:22:23.994 --> 00:22:26.388 Why are you even with this man? 582 00:22:26.432 --> 00:22:27.694 Two words. 583 00:22:27.737 --> 00:22:29.652 Baby arm. 584 00:22:29.696 --> 00:22:31.132 Any questions? 585 00:22:31.175 --> 00:22:32.568 Come on, Steph. We all know that baby 586 00:22:32.612 --> 00:22:34.091 is gonna be asleep by 9:00. 587 00:22:34.135 --> 00:22:36.616 [laughter] 588 00:22:36.659 --> 00:22:38.661 Good point. Chuck, line 'em up. 589 00:22:38.705 --> 00:22:41.011 Now, that's a fuckin' team player, boys! 590 00:22:41.055 --> 00:22:42.491 All right. Round them up. 591 00:22:42.535 --> 00:22:44.014 -Here you go, kids. -[Chuck] Let's go! 592 00:22:44.058 --> 00:22:46.147 All right, guys. What are gonna we toast to? 593 00:22:46.190 --> 00:22:47.627 Oh, apparently, we're toasting 594 00:22:47.670 --> 00:22:50.847 to Pete's cream-filled flesh twinkie. 595 00:22:53.981 --> 00:22:57.201 I think that Ethan should do the toast. 596 00:22:57.245 --> 00:22:58.942 I don't know. 597 00:22:58.986 --> 00:23:00.248 [all] Come on. 598 00:23:00.291 --> 00:23:02.903 Ethan. Ethan. 599 00:23:02.946 --> 00:23:07.211 [all] Ethan! Ethan! Ethan! Ethan! 600 00:23:07.255 --> 00:23:08.256 Okay. Okay. 601 00:23:08.299 --> 00:23:10.171 Come on, burgundy boy. 602 00:23:14.001 --> 00:23:17.831 To a long life and a happy one. 603 00:23:17.874 --> 00:23:21.400 To a quick death that escapes none. 604 00:23:21.443 --> 00:23:26.405 Drink to good spirits, worthy amongst friends. 605 00:23:26.448 --> 00:23:28.407 Drink that you may live, 606 00:23:28.450 --> 00:23:30.452 and may you live till the end. 607 00:23:30.496 --> 00:23:33.542 And for those who cannot, 608 00:23:33.586 --> 00:23:35.196 it has often been said... 609 00:23:36.458 --> 00:23:38.286 may we meet in heaven 610 00:23:38.329 --> 00:23:40.636 before the devil knows we're dead. 611 00:23:42.856 --> 00:23:45.206 I--I don't get it. 612 00:23:45.249 --> 00:23:47.382 That's 'cause you take your IQ with a fuckin' tire gauge. 613 00:23:47.426 --> 00:23:49.558 [man] Oh. Somebody said it. Holy shit! 614 00:23:49.602 --> 00:23:51.865 -Cheers, guys! -[all] Cheers! 615 00:23:51.908 --> 00:23:55.651 [indistinct chatter] 616 00:23:58.306 --> 00:24:00.047 [Pete] Whoa. 617 00:24:01.875 --> 00:24:03.833 She's mesmerizing! 618 00:24:03.877 --> 00:24:06.009 She was mesmerizing. 619 00:24:06.053 --> 00:24:07.794 Where did you come from, dude? 620 00:24:07.837 --> 00:24:10.884 Damn. Yeah. 621 00:24:12.668 --> 00:24:14.104 You bang her? 622 00:24:15.758 --> 00:24:17.151 She was my mother. 623 00:24:19.240 --> 00:24:21.242 You bang her? 624 00:24:23.636 --> 00:24:25.594 Bangable. 625 00:24:25.638 --> 00:24:28.510 What filter did they use to make her look old-timey? 626 00:24:28.554 --> 00:24:29.816 That's pretty cool. 627 00:24:29.859 --> 00:24:32.514 It's an original Poussin, actually. 628 00:24:32.558 --> 00:24:35.561 Painted in 1621. 629 00:24:35.604 --> 00:24:38.694 The summer before she died. 630 00:24:38.738 --> 00:24:41.044 -Poussin? -Poussin. 631 00:24:41.088 --> 00:24:42.611 [scoffs] 632 00:24:42.655 --> 00:24:45.179 I bet she got a lot of Poussin. 633 00:24:46.485 --> 00:24:48.922 No. This is my only one. 634 00:24:48.965 --> 00:24:51.359 No, bruh. 635 00:24:51.402 --> 00:24:54.667 This is a Poussin palace. 636 00:24:54.710 --> 00:24:58.018 No, it's my palace. He simply painted one picture. 637 00:24:58.061 --> 00:24:59.846 He was a family friend. 638 00:25:01.848 --> 00:25:05.895 1621, a lot of people died in 1621. 639 00:25:05.939 --> 00:25:07.288 Beheading. 640 00:25:09.725 --> 00:25:12.554 Seriously? 641 00:25:12.598 --> 00:25:14.425 It happens. 642 00:25:19.474 --> 00:25:23.696 Aha. Aha. 643 00:25:23.739 --> 00:25:27.395 "Let them eat cake!" 644 00:25:27.438 --> 00:25:28.701 Something like that. 645 00:25:28.744 --> 00:25:32.269 Yeah. "Off with their heads! 646 00:25:32.313 --> 00:25:37.927 Give me liberty or give me cake. 647 00:25:37.971 --> 00:25:41.583 Cake for them to eat 648 00:25:41.627 --> 00:25:44.891 without their heads, 649 00:25:44.934 --> 00:25:49.025 so they have no mouth to eat it!" 650 00:25:50.157 --> 00:25:52.115 Even funnier the second time. 651 00:26:01.081 --> 00:26:03.953 No fucking way! 652 00:26:03.997 --> 00:26:05.215 Uh-hmm. 653 00:26:05.259 --> 00:26:07.435 You sleep in this thing? 654 00:26:07.478 --> 00:26:09.872 Well, before blackout curtains, sure. 655 00:26:09.916 --> 00:26:13.267 It's mostly just for show now. 656 00:26:13.310 --> 00:26:17.140 A few extracurricular activities. 657 00:26:17.184 --> 00:26:18.794 Thank you. 658 00:26:18.838 --> 00:26:20.448 Thank you so much. 659 00:26:20.491 --> 00:26:23.843 Of course. Hmm. 660 00:26:24.887 --> 00:26:27.716 You were amazing. 661 00:26:27.760 --> 00:26:31.111 -You were incredible. -No. My pleasure. 662 00:26:33.287 --> 00:26:36.769 I'm gonna take it those aren't your aunts? 663 00:26:36.812 --> 00:26:38.292 -Oh. -What? 664 00:26:38.335 --> 00:26:40.816 -Are you okay? -Yeah, man, I'm good. 665 00:26:40.860 --> 00:26:42.252 -Okay. -Unless you put something 666 00:26:42.296 --> 00:26:43.427 in this. You put something? 667 00:26:43.471 --> 00:26:44.820 No, no. 668 00:26:44.864 --> 00:26:47.344 You want to make this a Cosbypolitan? 669 00:26:47.388 --> 00:26:49.346 -No. Thank you. -Thank you. 670 00:26:49.390 --> 00:26:52.132 I had heard you might need an opener for this week. 671 00:26:52.175 --> 00:26:54.438 From who? 672 00:26:54.482 --> 00:26:57.137 -Chuck. -Chuck? 673 00:26:57.180 --> 00:26:59.574 -Fuck Chuck! -He may have mentioned it. 674 00:26:59.618 --> 00:27:03.099 And let me say, if you take me, 675 00:27:03.143 --> 00:27:07.451 I will drive and I will pay for every expense. 676 00:27:07.495 --> 00:27:11.499 -What? -I'll pay for everything. 677 00:27:11.542 --> 00:27:13.632 -Booze? -Yes. 678 00:27:13.675 --> 00:27:16.591 -Gas? -Yes. 679 00:27:16.635 --> 00:27:18.680 Viagra? 680 00:27:18.724 --> 00:27:20.943 If you need it. 681 00:27:20.987 --> 00:27:22.989 Anal beads? 682 00:27:23.032 --> 00:27:24.555 I don't know where to get those, 683 00:27:24.599 --> 00:27:26.645 but I'll give you cash. 684 00:27:26.688 --> 00:27:28.298 All right. 685 00:27:28.342 --> 00:27:31.650 How about this, on top of all the expenses, 686 00:27:31.693 --> 00:27:34.914 you can also keep all the money I will get paid for opening 687 00:27:34.957 --> 00:27:36.959 as well as an additional 3,000 688 00:27:37.003 --> 00:27:40.397 on top for the opportunity? 689 00:27:40.441 --> 00:27:42.399 What do you say? 690 00:27:42.443 --> 00:27:44.706 Why? 691 00:27:44.750 --> 00:27:47.622 Money is fleeting, Pete. 692 00:27:47.666 --> 00:27:49.624 Comedy isn't. 693 00:27:49.668 --> 00:27:54.107 And I want to learn from the best, you. 694 00:27:56.109 --> 00:27:58.198 Well, I'd be an asshole if I said no. 695 00:27:58.241 --> 00:27:59.721 Yes. 696 00:27:59.765 --> 00:28:01.505 Oh, thank you, 697 00:28:01.549 --> 00:28:03.029 I am but your humble servant. 698 00:28:03.072 --> 00:28:05.248 Ha! Servant. 699 00:28:05.292 --> 00:28:07.686 Servant! You said it, Renfield. 700 00:28:07.729 --> 00:28:10.210 I was right, that bottle of wine is on point. 701 00:28:10.253 --> 00:28:11.994 Touche. 702 00:28:12.038 --> 00:28:14.040 So, we're good? 703 00:28:14.083 --> 00:28:15.737 Yeah, we're good. 704 00:28:15.781 --> 00:28:18.218 -Wonderful. -Let me tell you something. 705 00:28:19.349 --> 00:28:23.005 I'm not sucking your dick, 706 00:28:23.049 --> 00:28:24.528 and more importantly... 707 00:28:25.704 --> 00:28:27.618 you're not sucking my dick. 708 00:28:30.056 --> 00:28:32.754 Look, just--I don't-- just no dicks, okay? 709 00:28:32.798 --> 00:28:35.017 No dicks, okay? 710 00:28:35.061 --> 00:28:36.627 No touching tips. 711 00:28:36.671 --> 00:28:38.194 No, "Hey, show me yours, I'll show you mine." 712 00:28:38.238 --> 00:28:42.372 It ain't fucking summer camp, okay? 713 00:28:42.416 --> 00:28:44.113 Understood. 714 00:28:44.157 --> 00:28:46.725 To our dickless adventure. 715 00:28:50.250 --> 00:28:51.512 All right. 716 00:28:51.555 --> 00:28:53.383 Dude, you win. 717 00:28:53.427 --> 00:28:57.126 There's no way I would ever agree to take him with me. 718 00:28:57.170 --> 00:28:59.476 Guy has a freaking coffin. 719 00:28:59.520 --> 00:29:03.132 I'm almost sure that is mostly for show. 720 00:29:03.176 --> 00:29:04.743 How do you know that? 721 00:29:04.786 --> 00:29:07.920 Hmm, because he told me with his words, Pete. 722 00:29:07.963 --> 00:29:10.792 You got to cut out this jealousy bullshit. 723 00:29:10.836 --> 00:29:12.576 I'm not jealous. 724 00:29:12.620 --> 00:29:13.708 But you're still my girlfriend, right, 725 00:29:13.752 --> 00:29:15.318 or did I miss that memo? 726 00:29:15.362 --> 00:29:17.494 -Girlfriend. Right. -[Pete] Yeah, girlfriend. 727 00:29:17.538 --> 00:29:19.801 Hmm, more like pit stop when you drift into town 728 00:29:19.845 --> 00:29:22.804 -every six weeks. -Oh, Jesus Christ. 729 00:29:22.848 --> 00:29:26.286 -Come on. -[Stephanie] No. You come on. 730 00:29:26.329 --> 00:29:27.940 Honey, you're always on the road, 731 00:29:27.983 --> 00:29:29.593 which I understand, but you barely even text me 732 00:29:29.637 --> 00:29:31.160 in between spells of inebriation 733 00:29:31.204 --> 00:29:32.727 and hangover, 734 00:29:32.771 --> 00:29:34.468 which is a very small window, by the way. 735 00:29:34.511 --> 00:29:37.384 Okay. First of all, like my thumbs get tired, okay? 736 00:29:37.427 --> 00:29:40.430 Second of all, I lose battery power. 737 00:29:40.474 --> 00:29:42.606 And third of all, that's just not true. 738 00:29:42.650 --> 00:29:44.521 It's abso-fucking-lutely true. 739 00:29:44.565 --> 00:29:46.045 Oh, and irrelevant. 740 00:29:46.088 --> 00:29:48.003 Ethan is my friend. Period. 741 00:29:48.047 --> 00:29:50.789 He's a good guy and I want you to get to know him. 742 00:29:50.832 --> 00:29:52.703 He's your friend? 743 00:29:55.010 --> 00:29:56.620 Why? 744 00:29:56.664 --> 00:29:58.187 He's like 12. 745 00:29:58.231 --> 00:29:59.798 Ew! 746 00:29:59.841 --> 00:30:01.756 Epstein much? 747 00:30:03.236 --> 00:30:04.803 [Stephanie] Okay. Well, that 12-year-old 748 00:30:04.846 --> 00:30:06.282 is wise beyond his years 749 00:30:06.326 --> 00:30:07.849 and you could learn a thing or two. 750 00:30:07.893 --> 00:30:11.374 Like what, how to hang upside down? 751 00:30:11.418 --> 00:30:13.681 Stop being a titty-baby and look in the mirror. 752 00:30:13.724 --> 00:30:16.336 -No. Yes. 753 00:30:16.379 --> 00:30:18.077 -I don't wanna. -[Stephanie] Look in the mirror. 754 00:30:18.120 --> 00:30:19.861 -[Pete] You can't make me. -Look in the mirror, Pete. 755 00:30:19.905 --> 00:30:22.168 All right. I'll look. I'll look. 756 00:30:22.211 --> 00:30:23.691 Jesus Christ. 757 00:30:23.734 --> 00:30:26.912 Ethan is you when you first started, 758 00:30:26.955 --> 00:30:28.565 when you were hungry and thirsty, 759 00:30:28.609 --> 00:30:31.830 and willing to sacrifice anything for a laugh. 760 00:30:31.873 --> 00:30:33.788 Do you even remember that, Pete? 761 00:30:33.832 --> 00:30:35.834 Yeah. 762 00:30:35.877 --> 00:30:39.141 Because that "anything" became me. 763 00:30:42.623 --> 00:30:43.842 I'm sorry. 764 00:30:45.191 --> 00:30:46.714 I don't know what happened all these years, 765 00:30:46.757 --> 00:30:48.847 you know, just chasing a laugh. 766 00:30:48.890 --> 00:30:50.239 But I never ever lost-- 767 00:30:50.283 --> 00:30:52.807 Lost sight of me. Yeah. 768 00:30:57.638 --> 00:31:00.206 How'd you know I was gonna say that? 769 00:31:00.249 --> 00:31:01.337 [Stephanie] Because I know you better 770 00:31:01.381 --> 00:31:03.383 than you know yourself. 771 00:31:03.426 --> 00:31:05.907 But, of course, you seem to have forgotten that. 772 00:31:08.954 --> 00:31:10.433 No. I just--look. 773 00:31:10.477 --> 00:31:11.695 But just... 774 00:31:15.656 --> 00:31:20.356 you haven't been the same since Charlie. 775 00:31:20.400 --> 00:31:22.228 But I promised you, I would always be there 776 00:31:22.271 --> 00:31:25.318 for you and here I am. 777 00:31:25.361 --> 00:31:28.408 But it's pretty clear that... 778 00:31:28.451 --> 00:31:31.498 the old Pete isn't coming back. 779 00:31:31.541 --> 00:31:33.021 But that's okay. 780 00:31:33.065 --> 00:31:34.936 Maybe this is a chance at a new beginning. 781 00:31:36.895 --> 00:31:39.158 You need this, Pete. 782 00:31:39.201 --> 00:31:40.724 We both do. 783 00:31:44.380 --> 00:31:47.035 Or maybe you just need someone to keep tabs on me? 784 00:31:47.079 --> 00:31:49.429 Oh, my God. Are you kidding me right now? 785 00:31:49.472 --> 00:31:50.996 -[Pete] What? -You don't think I'm aware 786 00:31:51.039 --> 00:31:53.041 of the D-grade slags that cling onto you 787 00:31:53.085 --> 00:31:56.566 in between truck stop towns and dingy-ass dive bars. 788 00:31:56.610 --> 00:31:59.047 Hold on. D? 789 00:31:59.091 --> 00:32:01.963 D, like double D. 790 00:32:02.007 --> 00:32:04.835 Okay. What? I can't help who talks to me. 791 00:32:04.879 --> 00:32:06.620 -What do you want from me? -I don't know. 792 00:32:06.663 --> 00:32:08.187 But maybe I'll find the answer in your phone. 793 00:32:08.230 --> 00:32:09.971 Maybe if I peruse through your text, 794 00:32:10.015 --> 00:32:12.147 I'm gonna find a bunch of late-night conspicuous 795 00:32:12.191 --> 00:32:14.280 belfies from your harlot fan club. 796 00:32:14.323 --> 00:32:16.412 What's a belfie? 797 00:32:16.456 --> 00:32:18.545 It's a butt selfie. Come on. 798 00:32:18.588 --> 00:32:19.938 Get on it, grandpa. 799 00:32:19.981 --> 00:32:21.374 I don't know. I'm-- 800 00:32:21.417 --> 00:32:23.245 That's besides the point, okay? 801 00:32:23.289 --> 00:32:25.769 My loyalty only goes so far. 802 00:32:27.075 --> 00:32:28.511 You know what? Fine. Whatever. 803 00:32:28.555 --> 00:32:29.991 I'll take him, okay? 804 00:32:30.035 --> 00:32:31.079 I don't have time for this. 805 00:32:31.123 --> 00:32:32.646 Good. 806 00:32:33.995 --> 00:32:36.519 You know what? It's right there. 807 00:32:36.563 --> 00:32:37.912 -Knock yourself out. -I will. 808 00:32:37.956 --> 00:32:39.566 -I have to pack. -Okay. 809 00:32:39.609 --> 00:32:41.176 -Have fun. -I will. 810 00:32:41.220 --> 00:32:42.308 -Go for it. -Great. 811 00:32:42.351 --> 00:32:43.352 -Yeah. -Fun times. 812 00:32:43.396 --> 00:32:45.006 -Enjoy yourself. -Uh-hmm. 813 00:32:45.050 --> 00:32:47.400 -Good convo. -Yeah. Thanks. 814 00:32:47.443 --> 00:32:49.532 [cell phone vibrates] 815 00:32:58.063 --> 00:33:00.152 You got so lucky. 816 00:33:01.762 --> 00:33:03.503 Hello? 817 00:33:03.546 --> 00:33:07.246 Oh, hey, Roy. 818 00:33:07.289 --> 00:33:09.683 Sounding extra manly today, dude. 819 00:33:09.726 --> 00:33:12.251 What's up? 820 00:33:12.294 --> 00:33:13.730 No. I don't wanna play a strip club. 821 00:33:13.774 --> 00:33:15.732 That's disgusting. 822 00:33:15.776 --> 00:33:17.821 Do you have any more man gigs? 823 00:33:17.865 --> 00:33:22.348 Do you have any bachelor-er parties, but all dudes? 824 00:33:22.391 --> 00:33:24.306 [Stephanie] We get it. 825 00:33:24.350 --> 00:33:27.614 What? Perhaps an old folk's home? 826 00:33:27.657 --> 00:33:31.139 -[Stephanie] Die! -That'd be fantastic. 827 00:33:31.183 --> 00:33:32.836 [singer] ♪ Here we go At the top♪ 828 00:33:32.880 --> 00:33:35.056 ♪ Of the class honor roll♪ 829 00:33:35.100 --> 00:33:36.318 ♪ And it's time to run it up♪ 830 00:33:36.362 --> 00:33:38.320 ♪ Yeah, you know♪ 831 00:33:38.364 --> 00:33:40.540 ♪ Maxed out, put the pedal To the floor, ey♪ 832 00:33:40.583 --> 00:33:42.455 ♪ On a roll, here we go, Here we go♪ 833 00:33:42.498 --> 00:33:45.066 ♪ Yeah, we winning By a landslide♪ 834 00:33:45.110 --> 00:33:48.026 ♪ Never see me coming, I'm a landmine, yeah♪ 835 00:33:48.069 --> 00:33:51.377 ♪ I ain't taking orders In command, like, yeah♪ 836 00:33:51.420 --> 00:33:54.119 -[Pete] You fart? -[Ethan] Vampires don't fart. 837 00:33:54.162 --> 00:33:56.382 [Pete] Then you're a werewolf because I smell a fart. 838 00:34:04.520 --> 00:34:07.132 Welcome to East Bumfuck, Nevada, kid. 839 00:34:07.175 --> 00:34:09.917 ZIP code EIEIO. 840 00:34:09.960 --> 00:34:12.833 Where incest is a gym credit. 841 00:34:12.876 --> 00:34:15.401 -That's funny. -I know. 842 00:34:15.444 --> 00:34:17.794 -Are you going to use that? -No. 843 00:34:19.535 --> 00:34:21.668 [Ethan] There are holes in the walls. 844 00:34:21.711 --> 00:34:23.452 [Pete] Bullet or glory? 845 00:34:23.496 --> 00:34:25.324 [Ethan] I'm afraid to ask. 846 00:34:25.367 --> 00:34:30.285 I often sympathize with, uh, female reproductive system 847 00:34:30.329 --> 00:34:34.072 as I myself am late for everything. 848 00:34:34.115 --> 00:34:35.986 I mean, I once joined a Doomsday Cult. 849 00:34:36.030 --> 00:34:38.772 By the time I got there, everybody was dead. 850 00:34:38.815 --> 00:34:42.254 And worse, out of Kool-Aid. 851 00:34:43.385 --> 00:34:45.170 They should've saved some Kool-Aid for that one, huh? 852 00:34:45.213 --> 00:34:46.345 [laughter] 853 00:34:46.388 --> 00:34:48.129 What's that? 854 00:34:48.173 --> 00:34:51.654 -Nothing. -No. You said something, cowboy. 855 00:34:53.613 --> 00:34:56.137 I said they should've saved some Kool-Aid for you 856 00:34:56.181 --> 00:34:58.531 'cause you are out of jokes... 857 00:34:58.574 --> 00:35:00.446 -[crowd] Ooh. -...cowgirl. 858 00:35:00.489 --> 00:35:05.755 This coming from the mayor of Nevada Incest 859 00:35:05.799 --> 00:35:10.412 Bumfuck EIEEO Cornhole? 860 00:35:10.456 --> 00:35:13.023 -Next! -[man] Whoa. 861 00:35:13.067 --> 00:35:15.243 I knew I'd catch something in here. 862 00:35:17.419 --> 00:35:19.029 [Pete] Guys, I gotta tell you. 863 00:35:19.073 --> 00:35:20.901 This is like the Radio City Music Hall 864 00:35:20.944 --> 00:35:22.685 of strip club gigs. I gotta tell you. 865 00:35:23.904 --> 00:35:28.561 Uh, we have open mike night here, uh, Wednesday. 866 00:35:28.604 --> 00:35:30.606 Ladies, is it open leg night? 867 00:35:32.217 --> 00:35:34.523 You know, some of these jokes work better with teeth. 868 00:35:34.567 --> 00:35:36.046 You guys remember teeth? 869 00:35:36.090 --> 00:35:37.918 [laughs] 870 00:35:37.961 --> 00:35:40.268 Let's give one more round of applause for the, uh, 871 00:35:40.312 --> 00:35:42.488 train wreck that is Ethan Barr. 872 00:35:44.229 --> 00:35:47.884 No. His job as opener is to make me look better. 873 00:35:47.928 --> 00:35:50.278 And he knocked it out of the park. 874 00:35:50.322 --> 00:35:52.976 He--right. He was-- 875 00:35:55.588 --> 00:35:58.634 he killed that shit. 876 00:35:58.678 --> 00:36:01.811 Next week, you guys can see me at a truck stop in Laughlin. 877 00:36:01.855 --> 00:36:03.987 I'll be playing a parking structure in Reno. 878 00:36:04.031 --> 00:36:07.426 I'm Pete Brennan. Goodnight! 879 00:36:07.469 --> 00:36:11.734 [crowd cheering] 880 00:36:11.778 --> 00:36:13.345 [man] Whoo! 881 00:36:13.388 --> 00:36:14.607 [singer] ♪ [indistinct]♪ 882 00:36:14.650 --> 00:36:16.826 ♪ Show that money click♪ 883 00:36:16.870 --> 00:36:19.873 ♪ Since she got it, Make that money click♪ 884 00:36:19.916 --> 00:36:22.658 ♪ [indistinct]♪ 885 00:36:22.702 --> 00:36:25.313 ♪ All I got is money On my mind♪ 886 00:36:25.357 --> 00:36:27.228 ♪ Dedicate this [indistinct]♪ 887 00:36:27.272 --> 00:36:29.230 Sorry about heckling y'all earlier. 888 00:36:29.274 --> 00:36:31.189 Thought maybe it should help. 889 00:36:31.232 --> 00:36:34.235 Guess what, it never helps. 890 00:36:34.279 --> 00:36:35.932 Well, let me buy you a drink. 891 00:36:35.976 --> 00:36:38.500 Guess what, that always helps. 892 00:36:38.544 --> 00:36:40.415 All right 893 00:36:40.459 --> 00:36:42.809 [speaking foreign language] Please. Everybody. 894 00:36:42.852 --> 00:36:45.246 What did he say? 895 00:36:45.290 --> 00:36:46.508 Uh, I'm gonna be right back. 896 00:36:49.207 --> 00:36:51.644 Never say, "I'll be right back." 897 00:36:51.687 --> 00:36:53.994 I'm just going to splash some water on my face. 898 00:36:54.037 --> 00:36:56.518 Uh, ladies' room is that way. 899 00:36:56.562 --> 00:36:59.391 We don't have one of those non-gender ones, 900 00:36:59.434 --> 00:37:01.393 you'll just have to make do. 901 00:37:03.438 --> 00:37:06.615 Your young fella there seems a bit touched. 902 00:37:06.659 --> 00:37:08.356 Where did you find him? 903 00:37:08.400 --> 00:37:10.663 He was a keynote speaker at a flat-earth convention. 904 00:37:14.232 --> 00:37:15.842 -[laughs] -Oh! 905 00:37:15.885 --> 00:37:17.322 You had us going there. 906 00:37:17.365 --> 00:37:20.412 Ah? Ah? 907 00:37:20.455 --> 00:37:22.631 Ain't that right? 908 00:37:22.675 --> 00:37:25.068 [laughs] 909 00:37:25.112 --> 00:37:27.897 Yeah, I'm gonna go check on the young buck. 910 00:37:27.941 --> 00:37:30.073 You said the ladies' room was that way? 911 00:37:30.117 --> 00:37:33.163 That, see, he's the funny one for sure. 912 00:37:33.207 --> 00:37:36.123 -I try. I try. -Don't get lost. 913 00:37:36.166 --> 00:37:38.343 Is that on your tab, Billy Ray? 914 00:37:38.386 --> 00:37:40.301 [Billy Ray] Hell no. Separate bills. 915 00:37:40.345 --> 00:37:42.347 But they pay for both. 916 00:37:48.440 --> 00:37:50.311 What the fuck are you doing? 917 00:37:50.355 --> 00:37:51.878 [Ethan] It's just blood, Pete. 918 00:37:51.921 --> 00:37:54.141 Can you quit the fucking vampire routine. 919 00:37:54.184 --> 00:37:57.187 It's not a routine. It's a necessity. 920 00:37:57.231 --> 00:37:58.841 Don't worry. I don't need any of yours. 921 00:37:58.885 --> 00:38:00.843 Okay. I may be a little bit buzzed, okay? 922 00:38:00.887 --> 00:38:04.107 But I'm not a dickhead. Look, look, look. 923 00:38:04.151 --> 00:38:05.761 If you're a vampire, how come you have a reflection? 924 00:38:05.805 --> 00:38:07.807 Because that's a myth. 925 00:38:07.850 --> 00:38:09.809 Like garlic or a stake through the heart, 926 00:38:09.852 --> 00:38:11.201 that would kill anybody. 927 00:38:11.245 --> 00:38:12.290 Well, how have I been outside with you 928 00:38:12.333 --> 00:38:13.900 in the sun like three times? 929 00:38:13.943 --> 00:38:16.990 I just can't be in direct sunlight for very long. 930 00:38:17.033 --> 00:38:20.254 Pete, I have a very rare condition called Porphyria. 931 00:38:20.298 --> 00:38:22.430 It affects my hemoglobin if I don't inject. 932 00:38:22.474 --> 00:38:24.345 -Okay. I'm done. Stop. Stop. -Pete, listen to me. 933 00:38:24.389 --> 00:38:26.129 No. You listen to me, okay? 934 00:38:26.173 --> 00:38:28.349 I know I'm not one to give life advice, all right? 935 00:38:28.393 --> 00:38:30.569 I drink too much. I eat like shit. 936 00:38:30.612 --> 00:38:32.701 I haven't worn a condom since 1992. 937 00:38:32.745 --> 00:38:33.963 But heroin-- 938 00:38:34.007 --> 00:38:36.357 I told you, it's blood. 939 00:38:36.401 --> 00:38:39.012 I know people that I loved 940 00:38:39.055 --> 00:38:41.362 who died on that shit, man. 941 00:38:41.406 --> 00:38:43.669 Brilliant comedians. And it crushed me. 942 00:38:43.712 --> 00:38:46.933 You think I wanna deal and watch your open mike ass croak? 943 00:38:46.976 --> 00:38:48.891 And you think for goddamn sure 944 00:38:48.935 --> 00:38:51.851 I don't wanna call your parents that you OD'd on my watch? 945 00:38:51.894 --> 00:38:54.375 You won't have to report to anyone. 946 00:38:54.419 --> 00:38:56.203 I never knew my father. 947 00:38:56.246 --> 00:38:59.728 And as you've been told, my mother was behead in 1621. 948 00:38:59.772 --> 00:39:03.515 Oh, my God. Your generation is so weird. 949 00:39:03.558 --> 00:39:05.473 Look, I give you credit, okay? 950 00:39:05.517 --> 00:39:07.867 You didn't demand a separate bathroom 'cause you "identify" 951 00:39:07.910 --> 00:39:10.435 as a vampire, but come-- 952 00:39:10.478 --> 00:39:12.741 give me a fuckin' break, bro. 953 00:39:24.492 --> 00:39:26.233 What the fuck? 954 00:39:26.276 --> 00:39:28.235 Don't worry. 955 00:39:28.278 --> 00:39:30.193 I would never bite you, Pete. 956 00:39:31.978 --> 00:39:33.545 I got to quit drinking. 957 00:39:35.198 --> 00:39:37.331 That's not a bad idea. 958 00:39:40.116 --> 00:39:41.422 Whoa. 959 00:39:41.466 --> 00:39:43.337 I'm not interrupting some kind 960 00:39:43.381 --> 00:39:45.557 of Brokeback Mountainmoment, am I? 961 00:39:45.600 --> 00:39:48.516 [laughing] 962 00:39:48.560 --> 00:39:51.737 You mind while I unwind? 963 00:39:51.780 --> 00:39:54.566 It's that big. 964 00:39:54.609 --> 00:39:56.524 I got to lay off pills. 965 00:39:58.221 --> 00:39:59.832 I might eat him. 966 00:39:59.875 --> 00:40:00.920 [Billy Ray] What? 967 00:40:05.925 --> 00:40:07.317 Morning, morning, morning. 968 00:40:07.361 --> 00:40:09.363 Hello, hello, hello. I'm Carrie. 969 00:40:09.407 --> 00:40:11.757 I'm the producer of Minky & Connie in the Morning. 970 00:40:11.800 --> 00:40:13.236 I'm guessing by those droopy eyes 971 00:40:13.280 --> 00:40:14.629 you must be our whacky comedians? 972 00:40:14.673 --> 00:40:16.414 Busted. 973 00:40:16.457 --> 00:40:18.154 You totally forgot the Visine, bro. 974 00:40:18.198 --> 00:40:20.374 [chuckles] See? I can already tell you're funny. 975 00:40:20.418 --> 00:40:23.464 Now, if I can just have you fill out these forms, please. 976 00:40:23.508 --> 00:40:25.423 What's this? 977 00:40:25.466 --> 00:40:26.989 Just a little background info with lead-ins for your skits. 978 00:40:27.033 --> 00:40:28.556 You don't have to write the whole joke out, 979 00:40:28.600 --> 00:40:30.428 just an idea of what you're gonna say. 980 00:40:30.471 --> 00:40:32.342 Think of it like doing panel for a late night talk show. 981 00:40:32.386 --> 00:40:34.301 -Carrie, is it? -Uh-hmm. 982 00:40:34.344 --> 00:40:36.303 -You're new here? -Uh-uh. 983 00:40:36.346 --> 00:40:39.828 We find it's better just to be spontaneous. 984 00:40:39.872 --> 00:40:41.482 Pete, is it? 985 00:40:41.526 --> 00:40:43.876 We find that, because you're on a D-List tour, 986 00:40:43.919 --> 00:40:46.748 you D-List comedians consider this a D-List station. 987 00:40:46.792 --> 00:40:48.794 Guess what, it's not. 988 00:40:48.837 --> 00:40:51.144 We stream nationally online and satellite radio. 989 00:40:51.187 --> 00:40:54.495 I'm well-aware that organic comedy generally works better. 990 00:40:54.539 --> 00:40:56.497 However, most comics come in here hung over 991 00:40:56.541 --> 00:40:58.412 whining about why they have to do radio at 6:00 a.m. 992 00:40:58.456 --> 00:41:00.153 when the show they're plugging isn't until 9:00 p.m. 993 00:41:00.196 --> 00:41:02.503 And it's true, most people listening this morning 994 00:41:02.547 --> 00:41:04.026 probably won't go tonight. 995 00:41:04.070 --> 00:41:05.767 But we have such a loyal fan base, 996 00:41:05.811 --> 00:41:07.508 they might just follow you on social media. 997 00:41:07.552 --> 00:41:09.684 Get your ten followers up. 998 00:41:09.728 --> 00:41:12.034 Or perhaps they just enjoy watching clips of old cisgender 999 00:41:12.078 --> 00:41:13.514 white male wash-up comedians, 1000 00:41:13.558 --> 00:41:15.951 vagina-shaming hotel clerks. Okay? 1001 00:41:17.083 --> 00:41:18.650 Who are you? 1002 00:41:19.781 --> 00:41:21.696 It was a joke. 1003 00:41:21.740 --> 00:41:23.872 Hmm, I saw. So funny, I forgot to laugh. 1004 00:41:23.916 --> 00:41:25.918 Anyhoo, I can tell you that 1005 00:41:25.961 --> 00:41:28.137 last week's guests were hilarious. 1006 00:41:28.181 --> 00:41:30.052 So, I highly suggest you bring your "A-game" today. 1007 00:41:30.096 --> 00:41:31.271 Understood? 1008 00:41:31.314 --> 00:41:32.838 Okay. Good talks. 1009 00:41:32.881 --> 00:41:34.579 I'll give you a minute to fill out your form, 1010 00:41:34.622 --> 00:41:36.537 and then I'll come back to bring you guys into the studio. 1011 00:41:36.581 --> 00:41:38.408 Okay? Okay. 1012 00:41:38.452 --> 00:41:39.671 Done? 1013 00:41:41.237 --> 00:41:43.065 Why, thank you. 1014 00:41:44.937 --> 00:41:46.068 [chuckles] 1015 00:41:59.604 --> 00:42:01.562 What's a blue waffle? 1016 00:42:08.613 --> 00:42:10.092 All right. They'll be ready for you after the break. 1017 00:42:10.136 --> 00:42:11.790 If you guys will just follow me. 1018 00:42:13.052 --> 00:42:15.097 Thank you. 1019 00:42:15.141 --> 00:42:18.318 Hmm. No. Uh-uh. Nope. 1020 00:42:20.233 --> 00:42:22.235 Ugh. 1021 00:42:22.278 --> 00:42:24.890 [Ethan] Seriously, what makes it blue? 1022 00:42:27.806 --> 00:42:29.851 Okay. When that light goes off, we're good to go. 1023 00:42:29.895 --> 00:42:33.855 Ready? In three, two, one. 1024 00:42:33.899 --> 00:42:35.509 -Good timing. -Oh, thank you. 1025 00:42:35.553 --> 00:42:37.163 Not bad for a newbie, huh? 1026 00:42:37.206 --> 00:42:38.643 Your father owns the station, doesn't he? 1027 00:42:38.686 --> 00:42:40.470 How's your hairline? 1028 00:42:45.301 --> 00:42:46.955 [man] Remember when getting away... 1029 00:42:46.999 --> 00:42:48.740 [Minky] Hey, guys. Take a seat. Give me a sec. 1030 00:42:48.783 --> 00:42:50.480 [man] ...the family and hitting the road? 1031 00:42:50.524 --> 00:42:51.873 So, we're back in 30. We're gonna do a quick wrap 1032 00:42:51.917 --> 00:42:53.571 then we'll bring you guys on, 1033 00:42:53.614 --> 00:42:56.008 take a few phone calls, give away a few tickets. 1034 00:42:56.051 --> 00:42:59.011 You guys will be back in bed before sunrise. 1035 00:42:59.054 --> 00:43:02.405 Oh, all right. Oh, that shit was good. 1036 00:43:02.449 --> 00:43:04.190 Those are your cans right there. 1037 00:43:04.233 --> 00:43:05.844 Put them on and make sure you get really close to the mic 1038 00:43:05.887 --> 00:43:07.367 like it's a big old "you know what". 1039 00:43:07.410 --> 00:43:10.152 [man] [indistinct] 1040 00:43:10.196 --> 00:43:11.980 -[man] Hey, folks. -[Minky] Hey, folks. 1041 00:43:12.024 --> 00:43:13.895 Welcome back to Minky & Connie in the Morning 1042 00:43:13.939 --> 00:43:16.594 where we put the Big O back in KBLO. 1043 00:43:16.637 --> 00:43:18.857 [Connie] All right. Who knows that better than you, Minky? 1044 00:43:18.900 --> 00:43:20.336 [Minky] Hey-oh. 1045 00:43:20.380 --> 00:43:22.208 It's 6:06 this dreary Tuesday morning. 1046 00:43:22.251 --> 00:43:23.513 But here to bring some sunshine, 1047 00:43:23.557 --> 00:43:25.298 we're talking to the comics 1048 00:43:25.341 --> 00:43:27.169 who are gonna be performing tonight at the Rusty Nail. 1049 00:43:27.213 --> 00:43:29.171 [Connie] Pete Brennan and Ethan Barr. 1050 00:43:29.215 --> 00:43:31.870 -Hey-oh. -Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo. 1051 00:43:31.913 --> 00:43:33.393 How are you boys doing this morning? 1052 00:43:33.436 --> 00:43:35.177 Uh, peachy. 1053 00:43:35.221 --> 00:43:38.703 Just--yeah, we're not as caffeinated as you guys. 1054 00:43:38.746 --> 00:43:40.487 You did cocaine. 1055 00:43:40.530 --> 00:43:42.576 [tape screeches] 1056 00:43:42.620 --> 00:43:43.664 That's hysterical! 1057 00:43:43.708 --> 00:43:45.274 [laughing] They got jokes. 1058 00:43:45.318 --> 00:43:46.841 -That is so funny. -You said it, Connie. 1059 00:43:46.885 --> 00:43:48.713 Now, Pete, it says here you're originally 1060 00:43:48.756 --> 00:43:50.845 from Pittsburg and have appeared on The Tonight Show? 1061 00:43:50.889 --> 00:43:52.499 That's right. Yeah. I... 1062 00:43:52.542 --> 00:43:54.632 I loved that show when Johnny Carson was the host. 1063 00:43:54.675 --> 00:43:56.155 He was the best, then Dave Letterman. 1064 00:43:56.198 --> 00:43:57.635 I miss Dave. Uh, 1065 00:43:57.678 --> 00:43:59.288 have you seen his new interview shows? 1066 00:43:59.332 --> 00:44:00.812 [Minky] I have it cued up and I haven't had a chance 1067 00:44:00.855 --> 00:44:02.204 to watch it yet. I'm still finishing up Ozark. 1068 00:44:02.248 --> 00:44:04.642 Shut up. I just binged that last week. 1069 00:44:04.685 --> 00:44:06.078 Don't spoil it, Connie. 1070 00:44:06.121 --> 00:44:07.340 Well, I--hmm. 1071 00:44:07.383 --> 00:44:09.995 So Pete, what's your skit like? 1072 00:44:10.038 --> 00:44:12.475 Well, I do mix of character. I do political... 1073 00:44:12.519 --> 00:44:14.347 It says--wait, wait. It says here 1074 00:44:14.390 --> 00:44:15.827 you have a really good joke about you losing your luggage 1075 00:44:15.870 --> 00:44:17.611 on the way here? What the hell is that about? 1076 00:44:17.655 --> 00:44:19.657 -Man, I hate when that happens! -Doesn't everyone? 1077 00:44:19.700 --> 00:44:22.834 Especially Pete because, y'all, he drove. 1078 00:44:22.877 --> 00:44:25.619 Oh. Pete, I gotta hear that joke. 1079 00:44:25.663 --> 00:44:26.794 Do the joke. 1080 00:44:26.838 --> 00:44:28.100 Do it. Do the joke. 1081 00:44:28.143 --> 00:44:30.276 Um, you just did. 1082 00:44:30.319 --> 00:44:31.669 She told you the punchline. 1083 00:44:33.409 --> 00:44:34.846 Right. 1084 00:44:34.889 --> 00:44:36.108 Ethan. 1085 00:44:36.151 --> 00:44:37.631 I am loving this whole 1086 00:44:37.675 --> 00:44:39.981 "emo" thing you have going on. Hmm. 1087 00:44:40.025 --> 00:44:43.985 Baby, I could just eat that ass up. 1088 00:44:44.029 --> 00:44:46.901 -Well, I am a vampire. -I know, right? 1089 00:44:46.945 --> 00:44:49.121 Especially with these late hours, it sure feels that way. 1090 00:44:49.164 --> 00:44:50.949 I know. We should just wrap this up 1091 00:44:50.992 --> 00:44:52.385 before the sun comes up, right? 1092 00:44:52.428 --> 00:44:54.300 Actually, that's a myth. 1093 00:44:54.343 --> 00:44:55.736 We can be on the sun just like-- 1094 00:44:55.780 --> 00:44:57.346 Favorite vampire movie, I say 1095 00:44:57.390 --> 00:44:58.739 Dracula: Dead & Loving It. 1096 00:44:58.783 --> 00:45:00.480 Ooh. All my nieces got me sucked 1097 00:45:00.523 --> 00:45:01.916 into the whole Twilight craze. 1098 00:45:01.960 --> 00:45:03.396 "Sucked" being the operative word 1099 00:45:03.439 --> 00:45:04.919 as those films certainly did suck. 1100 00:45:06.399 --> 00:45:07.705 He's a comedian now. 1101 00:45:07.748 --> 00:45:09.054 Look at that, Minky. 1102 00:45:09.097 --> 00:45:10.316 See? It's not so hard. 1103 00:45:10.359 --> 00:45:12.448 You can do it. Good job. 1104 00:45:12.492 --> 00:45:14.886 So Ethan, back to us. 1105 00:45:14.929 --> 00:45:17.192 So, since you're part of that whole undead family, 1106 00:45:17.236 --> 00:45:19.455 which you're so freakin' sexy, 1107 00:45:19.499 --> 00:45:22.676 what is your favorite vampire movie, hmm? 1108 00:45:22.720 --> 00:45:24.286 Well, you see, the problem is, 1109 00:45:24.330 --> 00:45:27.637 they aren't usually historically accurate. 1110 00:45:27.681 --> 00:45:29.596 -But I suppose Bladeis-- -Come on. 1111 00:45:29.639 --> 00:45:31.250 Interview with the Vampire, they nailed it. 1112 00:45:31.293 --> 00:45:33.513 -Yeah. -They didn't. 1113 00:45:33.556 --> 00:45:35.950 Uh, Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt? Dream team! 1114 00:45:35.994 --> 00:45:37.212 And that little girl, what was her name? 1115 00:45:37.256 --> 00:45:38.823 I don't know. She like 1116 00:45:38.866 --> 00:45:40.912 screwed Spiderman or something, like, dirt, dust. 1117 00:45:40.955 --> 00:45:42.740 -Kirsten Durst. -Ey, ey, ey, ey, ey. 1118 00:45:42.783 --> 00:45:44.306 You--look, you cheated, Minky. 1119 00:45:44.350 --> 00:45:46.265 It's Kirsten Dunst. 1120 00:45:46.308 --> 00:45:47.527 I was looking up something else. 1121 00:45:47.570 --> 00:45:48.963 Oh, now you're gonna lie? 1122 00:45:49.007 --> 00:45:50.182 You're gonna lie to the people. 1123 00:45:50.225 --> 00:45:51.836 Okay. If you think Minky lied, 1124 00:45:51.879 --> 00:45:53.794 I want you to tell us on Twitter right now. 1125 00:45:53.838 --> 00:45:55.796 All right. Thank you so much, Pete and Ethan. 1126 00:45:55.840 --> 00:45:57.189 I appreciate y'all for being here. 1127 00:45:57.232 --> 00:45:58.712 Or as they should call themselves, 1128 00:45:58.756 --> 00:46:01.019 the comedy duo of A-bat and Costello. 1129 00:46:01.062 --> 00:46:03.717 [laughing] Good one, yeah. 1130 00:46:03.761 --> 00:46:05.501 Coming up after the break, 1131 00:46:05.545 --> 00:46:07.068 we're gonna open up the phone lines 1132 00:46:07.112 --> 00:46:08.809 and we're gonna be talking to the sexy girls 1133 00:46:08.853 --> 00:46:10.376 from the Rabbit Ranch who are gonna be showing up 1134 00:46:10.419 --> 00:46:12.987 to test out some new "adult products". 1135 00:46:13.031 --> 00:46:15.555 Ooh, my kind of talk show. 1136 00:46:15.598 --> 00:46:17.513 All right. You don't wanna miss that. 1137 00:46:17.557 --> 00:46:20.342 And if anyone wants some free tickets to tonight's show, 1138 00:46:20.386 --> 00:46:23.084 I want you to hashtag Ethan is a Vampire. 1139 00:46:23.128 --> 00:46:24.956 Also, #MinkyLies. 1140 00:46:24.999 --> 00:46:27.306 [Minky] We'll be back in five. 1141 00:46:27.349 --> 00:46:29.221 Oh. 1142 00:46:29.264 --> 00:46:31.527 That was great, guys. You're the best segment we've ever had. 1143 00:46:31.571 --> 00:46:33.225 I really appreciate you guys being here. 1144 00:46:33.268 --> 00:46:34.574 [Minky] You guys did really well. Thank you so much 1145 00:46:34.617 --> 00:46:36.010 for stopping by. That was wonderful work. 1146 00:46:36.054 --> 00:46:38.926 Yeah. I'm just so fucking high right now. 1147 00:46:38.970 --> 00:46:41.929 Can someone punch me in the face? 1148 00:46:41.973 --> 00:46:43.496 Just punch me square in the face. 1149 00:46:43.539 --> 00:46:44.627 No, Pete. Why? 1150 00:46:44.671 --> 00:46:46.325 You wanna do a shot? 1151 00:46:46.368 --> 00:46:48.196 I gotta go to my chiropractor this afternoon. 1152 00:46:48.240 --> 00:46:50.242 [Connie] You're such a square. 1153 00:46:50.285 --> 00:46:52.505 Fuck it. [sniffles] 1154 00:46:52.548 --> 00:46:54.942 All right. Come on in. We're so excited to have you. 1155 00:46:54.986 --> 00:46:57.075 Just go with it and be spontaneous. 1156 00:46:57.118 --> 00:46:59.120 We found it works so much better that way, okay? 1157 00:46:59.164 --> 00:47:00.818 Okay. 1158 00:47:00.861 --> 00:47:02.167 [singer] ♪ When I'm entering the convo♪ 1159 00:47:02.210 --> 00:47:03.168 [Minky] Hey, hey, hey. Good morning. 1160 00:47:03.211 --> 00:47:04.952 How are you guys? 1161 00:47:04.996 --> 00:47:07.215 You sit over there [indistinct] 1162 00:47:07.259 --> 00:47:08.738 Does that girl have a bag of dicks? 1163 00:47:08.782 --> 00:47:09.827 Uh-hmm. 1164 00:47:11.176 --> 00:47:12.742 That's my career. 1165 00:47:12.786 --> 00:47:14.701 My career has been following a bag of dicks. 1166 00:47:14.744 --> 00:47:16.094 That's just where I'm at. 1167 00:47:17.791 --> 00:47:19.619 Wow. 1168 00:47:19.662 --> 00:47:21.490 That, um... 1169 00:47:21.534 --> 00:47:25.407 Ethan's a Vampire hashtag has over a thousand retweets. 1170 00:47:25.451 --> 00:47:26.800 Huh. 1171 00:47:26.844 --> 00:47:28.671 You're trending in Area 51. 1172 00:47:28.715 --> 00:47:30.630 Embrace it. 1173 00:47:30.673 --> 00:47:32.066 How so? 1174 00:47:32.110 --> 00:47:33.633 I don't know. 1175 00:47:33.676 --> 00:47:36.375 I haven't quite figured you out yet, 1176 00:47:36.418 --> 00:47:38.986 but you seem to be all-in with this whole vampire thing. 1177 00:47:39.030 --> 00:47:41.467 So, I think you should just run with it. 1178 00:47:41.510 --> 00:47:43.773 I am a vampire, Pete. 1179 00:47:43.817 --> 00:47:47.908 See? Now I believe you believe that, which is good. 1180 00:47:47.952 --> 00:47:50.171 It takes comics years to find their voice. 1181 00:47:50.215 --> 00:47:51.999 You did it in a few months. 1182 00:47:52.043 --> 00:47:53.522 [sighs] 1183 00:47:53.566 --> 00:47:55.916 I'm sorry. I--I--I don't follow. 1184 00:47:55.960 --> 00:47:57.700 Look. 1185 00:47:57.744 --> 00:47:59.702 I know my place in this business, okay? 1186 00:47:59.746 --> 00:48:01.356 I'm a cisgender 1187 00:48:01.400 --> 00:48:05.143 white male piece of shit, okay? 1188 00:48:05.186 --> 00:48:08.624 There's millions of "mes" out there, okay? 1189 00:48:08.668 --> 00:48:10.191 It's a different ballgame today. 1190 00:48:10.235 --> 00:48:11.932 It's not just about being funny anymore. 1191 00:48:11.976 --> 00:48:13.716 It's about how many social media followers you have, 1192 00:48:13.760 --> 00:48:15.457 what box do you check 1193 00:48:15.501 --> 00:48:17.155 or about a gimmick. 1194 00:48:17.198 --> 00:48:20.332 You know, like that thumb trick thing you do. 1195 00:48:20.375 --> 00:48:22.508 Oh, yes. 1196 00:48:22.551 --> 00:48:25.598 My Grandma Liz taught me many, um, 1197 00:48:25.641 --> 00:48:27.643 "tricks" when I was younger. 1198 00:48:27.687 --> 00:48:31.430 So good. I would exploit the shit out of that if I could. 1199 00:48:31.473 --> 00:48:34.041 Instead I was too busy trying to be a comic's comic. 1200 00:48:35.434 --> 00:48:38.872 What's a "comic's comic?" 1201 00:48:38.916 --> 00:48:41.048 It's when all the comedians stop talking in the back 1202 00:48:41.092 --> 00:48:42.658 of the room and they stop 1203 00:48:42.702 --> 00:48:45.923 to watch your set and they study you. 1204 00:48:45.966 --> 00:48:47.881 It's the ultimate form of flattery. 1205 00:48:47.925 --> 00:48:49.970 And how do you get that? 1206 00:48:50.014 --> 00:48:53.234 Truth, fearlessness, and time. 1207 00:48:53.278 --> 00:48:55.367 Time is overrated. 1208 00:48:55.410 --> 00:48:58.022 Sure, when you don't appreciate it. 1209 00:48:58.065 --> 00:49:00.633 I did the same thing when I was your age. 1210 00:49:00.676 --> 00:49:02.765 But time is precious. 1211 00:49:02.809 --> 00:49:05.159 You can never get it back. 1212 00:49:05.203 --> 00:49:06.944 I know. 1213 00:49:06.987 --> 00:49:09.990 I literally have all the time in the world. 1214 00:49:10.034 --> 00:49:12.775 I spent 200 years learning the harpsichord. 1215 00:49:12.819 --> 00:49:15.082 By the time I perfected it, 1216 00:49:15.126 --> 00:49:17.128 baroque music was obsolete. 1217 00:49:19.086 --> 00:49:22.176 Ha! Ha! See? Now that's funny, dude. 1218 00:49:22.220 --> 00:49:23.786 Come on. 1219 00:49:23.830 --> 00:49:26.137 Why don't you do that on stage tonight? 1220 00:49:26.180 --> 00:49:28.182 Look, when you go up there tonight, 1221 00:49:28.226 --> 00:49:31.316 I want you to be you. 1222 00:49:31.359 --> 00:49:34.362 And if you suck, at least, you'll be sucking as yourself. 1223 00:49:34.406 --> 00:49:36.016 Can you try--ah! 1224 00:49:36.060 --> 00:49:38.627 -Watch your feet! -Son of a cock! 1225 00:49:38.671 --> 00:49:40.238 Hey, hand me that mop bucket over there. 1226 00:49:40.281 --> 00:49:42.980 Some fuckwad puked all over the damn place. 1227 00:49:46.200 --> 00:49:47.636 Thanks. 1228 00:49:47.680 --> 00:49:48.724 Got it. 1229 00:49:51.162 --> 00:49:52.859 Oh, God. 1230 00:49:55.470 --> 00:49:57.429 [scoffs] 1231 00:49:57.472 --> 00:49:59.344 Living the dream, dude. 1232 00:50:00.519 --> 00:50:01.955 This what you want, Ethan? 1233 00:50:05.567 --> 00:50:07.134 Absolutely. 1234 00:50:07.178 --> 00:50:10.181 And she's why they call it beheading. 1235 00:50:10.224 --> 00:50:12.096 [laughter] 1236 00:50:12.139 --> 00:50:14.054 [bartender] Hey. 1237 00:50:14.098 --> 00:50:15.577 Hey. 1238 00:50:15.621 --> 00:50:18.145 Hey, you know this place is haunted, right? 1239 00:50:18.189 --> 00:50:20.060 No, I'll just have a beer. 1240 00:50:20.104 --> 00:50:23.063 And it was actually the entire fist. 1241 00:50:23.107 --> 00:50:26.458 [crowd] Boo! 1242 00:50:26.501 --> 00:50:28.851 Is it always this rowdy here? 1243 00:50:28.895 --> 00:50:30.636 Oh, God, no. Not mostly. 1244 00:50:30.679 --> 00:50:32.203 But see, most of these folks, 1245 00:50:32.246 --> 00:50:33.900 they heard y'all on the radio this morning. 1246 00:50:33.943 --> 00:50:35.380 So, uh, well, 1247 00:50:35.423 --> 00:50:37.512 they cannot see the undead. 1248 00:50:37.556 --> 00:50:39.819 No, I'm alive, okay? 1249 00:50:39.862 --> 00:50:41.473 I don't know what the hell he is. 1250 00:50:41.516 --> 00:50:45.085 Hmm, may I take your pulse to confirm that? 1251 00:50:45.129 --> 00:50:48.001 [crowd] Vampire! Vampire! 1252 00:50:48.045 --> 00:50:50.090 Vampire! Vampire! 1253 00:50:50.134 --> 00:50:52.136 Vampire! Vampire! 1254 00:50:52.179 --> 00:50:53.746 [Heckler 1] Vampire! 1255 00:50:53.789 --> 00:50:55.356 I'm sorry, what's that you say? 1256 00:50:55.400 --> 00:50:59.491 -[crowd] Vampire! -Ah, yes, 1257 00:50:59.534 --> 00:51:01.754 vampires, 1258 00:51:01.797 --> 00:51:06.541 the immortal creatures of both mystery and myth. 1259 00:51:15.289 --> 00:51:18.727 [cheers and applause] 1260 00:51:21.904 --> 00:51:23.776 Hey, bite me! 1261 00:51:23.819 --> 00:51:25.691 You aren't worthy of my powers. 1262 00:51:27.171 --> 00:51:28.911 Then suck my dick! 1263 00:51:28.955 --> 00:51:30.609 My friend, 1264 00:51:30.652 --> 00:51:32.741 there isn't enough blood in that tiny thing 1265 00:51:32.785 --> 00:51:34.395 to keep me alive for an hour. 1266 00:51:34.439 --> 00:51:37.006 Say that to his face, ya pussy! 1267 00:51:37.050 --> 00:51:41.446 Technically, I just did, but okay... 1268 00:51:41.489 --> 00:51:43.143 Jesus, fuck! 1269 00:51:44.318 --> 00:51:45.580 [bartender] Hell did he go? 1270 00:51:47.887 --> 00:51:49.541 -Shh! -What the fuck? 1271 00:51:50.759 --> 00:51:53.327 [man groaning] 1272 00:51:55.721 --> 00:51:58.158 [woman screaming] 1273 00:52:02.467 --> 00:52:03.990 Is that mirrors? Is that mirrors? 1274 00:52:04.033 --> 00:52:05.339 -You got mirrors in there? -No! 1275 00:52:05.383 --> 00:52:07.820 That a special effect? 1276 00:52:07.863 --> 00:52:10.910 -[crowd] Whoa. -[applause] 1277 00:52:14.653 --> 00:52:16.220 Ladies and gentlemen, 1278 00:52:16.263 --> 00:52:18.178 you have been delicious. 1279 00:52:18.222 --> 00:52:20.006 Thank you. 1280 00:52:20.049 --> 00:52:22.574 [cheers and applause] 1281 00:52:25.533 --> 00:52:27.970 Oh, if he broke that, he's fucking paying for it. 1282 00:52:28.014 --> 00:52:29.668 Are you kidding me? 1283 00:52:29.711 --> 00:52:32.192 Oh, my God. 1284 00:52:32.236 --> 00:52:34.238 I don't even know where to begin. 1285 00:52:34.281 --> 00:52:36.109 Do you believe me now? 1286 00:52:36.153 --> 00:52:37.502 How can I not? 1287 00:52:37.545 --> 00:52:39.199 I mean, the coffin is eccentric 1288 00:52:39.243 --> 00:52:40.983 but explainable. Okay? 1289 00:52:41.027 --> 00:52:42.811 The, the glowing eyes, contacts, 1290 00:52:42.855 --> 00:52:45.074 the teeth, fake, the shooting blood, 1291 00:52:45.118 --> 00:52:48.295 it's an odd lifestyle choice but hey, it's Vegas. 1292 00:52:48.339 --> 00:52:51.907 But dude, you turned into a bat, man. 1293 00:52:51.951 --> 00:52:53.953 A fucking bat! 1294 00:52:53.996 --> 00:52:56.999 Pete, I never tried to hide this from you. 1295 00:52:57.043 --> 00:52:59.132 I know but I thought you were, like, 1296 00:52:59.176 --> 00:53:01.352 method acting or trying to find your own identity. 1297 00:53:01.395 --> 00:53:02.831 Never in a million years that I'd think 1298 00:53:02.875 --> 00:53:04.050 this stuff is actually real. 1299 00:53:04.093 --> 00:53:05.747 I'm sorry. 1300 00:53:05.791 --> 00:53:07.967 Perhaps I should've made this clear before we left. 1301 00:53:08.010 --> 00:53:10.622 Wait, so do you--do you just go around biting people? 1302 00:53:10.665 --> 00:53:13.494 No, God, how barbaric. 1303 00:53:13.538 --> 00:53:16.149 I had to give that up in the '80s. 1304 00:53:16.193 --> 00:53:18.673 I almost bit Freddy Mercury. 1305 00:53:18.717 --> 00:53:21.023 -Dude, that's a close call. -I know. 1306 00:53:21.067 --> 00:53:25.027 But I do still need to feast off of fresh blood. 1307 00:53:25.071 --> 00:53:26.638 But now I just get it from a friend of mine 1308 00:53:26.681 --> 00:53:29.293 who works at the hospital. 1309 00:53:29.336 --> 00:53:31.033 Okay. Wait, start from the beginning. 1310 00:53:31.077 --> 00:53:33.297 Okay. I need to know everything, details. 1311 00:53:33.340 --> 00:53:35.212 Gladly. 1312 00:53:35.255 --> 00:53:36.996 Well, for starters, 1313 00:53:37.039 --> 00:53:40.782 my grandmother was the infamous Elizabeth Bathory, 1314 00:53:40.826 --> 00:53:42.741 a Countess who believed 1315 00:53:42.784 --> 00:53:44.743 she could retain her youth by drinking 1316 00:53:44.786 --> 00:53:47.441 and bathing in the blood of young girls. 1317 00:53:47.485 --> 00:53:50.009 You see, at the time, the life expectancy... 1318 00:53:50.052 --> 00:53:52.272 All clear. Everyone's gone 1319 00:53:52.316 --> 00:53:55.275 except for a, uh, couple of chicks who wanna meet you. 1320 00:53:55.319 --> 00:53:56.450 Are they hot? 1321 00:53:56.494 --> 00:53:58.496 Ridiculously hot, 1322 00:53:58.539 --> 00:54:00.280 but not you. 1323 00:54:00.324 --> 00:54:01.455 Vamp. 1324 00:54:02.978 --> 00:54:05.024 I don't even care about chicks right now, dude. 1325 00:54:05.067 --> 00:54:06.808 He just turned to a bat. Did you see that shit? 1326 00:54:06.852 --> 00:54:08.854 Yeah, it's fine. It's no Jeff Dunham. 1327 00:54:08.897 --> 00:54:10.508 And I got bats in the attic. 1328 00:54:13.598 --> 00:54:15.121 Have you seen Jeff Dunham? 1329 00:54:15.164 --> 00:54:17.341 His act is phenomenal. 1330 00:54:17.384 --> 00:54:19.081 Dude, I love Dunham. 1331 00:54:19.125 --> 00:54:20.648 But he didn't turn to a bat. 1332 00:54:20.692 --> 00:54:23.042 Dunham doesn't have a bat. 1333 00:54:23.085 --> 00:54:25.218 May I present to you 1334 00:54:25.262 --> 00:54:27.960 the exquisite Ms. Scarlett Drake 1335 00:54:28.003 --> 00:54:30.658 and Madame Darah. 1336 00:54:30.702 --> 00:54:33.966 If you'll excuse me, I have to go mop up some puke. 1337 00:54:34.009 --> 00:54:35.359 Hi. 1338 00:54:35.402 --> 00:54:38.797 -Hey. -Hi. 1339 00:54:38.840 --> 00:54:40.973 You were semi-funny. 1340 00:54:41.016 --> 00:54:42.801 You don't need to curse so much. 1341 00:54:42.844 --> 00:54:44.150 Appreciate the tip. 1342 00:54:45.369 --> 00:54:47.196 Pleasure to make your acquaintances. 1343 00:54:47.240 --> 00:54:50.722 Ethan, you look exactly the same. 1344 00:54:50.765 --> 00:54:53.725 I'm sorry, have we met? 1345 00:54:54.900 --> 00:54:57.076 -So-- -No. 1346 00:54:57.119 --> 00:54:59.296 Okay. 1347 00:54:59.339 --> 00:55:01.123 I'll just let you kids get reacquainted 1348 00:55:01.167 --> 00:55:03.430 and I'm going to light myself on fire. 1349 00:55:03.474 --> 00:55:05.519 I'll bring the matches. 1350 00:55:07.521 --> 00:55:09.610 Does this ring a bell? 1351 00:55:09.654 --> 00:55:12.483 [moaning] 1352 00:55:14.049 --> 00:55:15.964 Prague. 1353 00:55:16.008 --> 00:55:17.314 Chantel. 1354 00:55:17.357 --> 00:55:18.445 You were the model 1355 00:55:18.489 --> 00:55:20.491 for the Goddess Victoria statue. 1356 00:55:22.188 --> 00:55:23.755 Oh, my goodness. 1357 00:55:28.194 --> 00:55:31.153 How could I ever forget that? 1358 00:55:31.197 --> 00:55:32.503 I don't know. 1359 00:55:32.546 --> 00:55:34.592 I am enthralled to see you again. 1360 00:55:35.854 --> 00:55:37.508 And I am loving your new name. 1361 00:55:39.205 --> 00:55:41.033 What are you doing here? 1362 00:55:42.817 --> 00:55:44.253 You see this shit? 1363 00:55:44.297 --> 00:55:45.907 I'm the headliner. 1364 00:55:45.951 --> 00:55:47.605 What's he got that I don't got? 1365 00:55:47.648 --> 00:55:49.781 Two women, apparently. 1366 00:55:50.999 --> 00:55:53.175 You trying to make it three? 1367 00:55:53.219 --> 00:55:54.655 Maybe. 1368 00:55:54.699 --> 00:55:56.135 Okay. 1369 00:55:57.789 --> 00:56:00.400 I podcast, I'm a social media influencer, 1370 00:56:00.444 --> 00:56:02.402 I dabble in fashion. 1371 00:56:02.446 --> 00:56:04.535 Hot. [chuckles] 1372 00:56:04.578 --> 00:56:06.493 [laughs] 1373 00:56:06.537 --> 00:56:07.886 What's that smell? 1374 00:56:07.929 --> 00:56:10.454 Oh, perfect timing! 1375 00:56:10.497 --> 00:56:13.631 You know what? We should take a group photo. 1376 00:56:13.674 --> 00:56:15.589 -Yes. -Do you mind? 1377 00:56:17.417 --> 00:56:18.766 Sure. 1378 00:56:18.810 --> 00:56:20.855 Ladies. 1379 00:56:20.899 --> 00:56:22.901 Okay. 1380 00:56:22.944 --> 00:56:26.861 Closer, closer, work it. 1381 00:56:26.905 --> 00:56:29.298 You got to hit them angle. 1382 00:56:29.342 --> 00:56:32.171 Okay. Ready? And... 1383 00:56:39.134 --> 00:56:40.788 see you at the hotel, Ethan. 1384 00:56:40.832 --> 00:56:42.616 And, uh, I'll try to cut out 1385 00:56:42.660 --> 00:56:45.227 the fucking swear words out of my fucking act. 1386 00:56:48.709 --> 00:56:50.842 He turned into a bat, 1387 00:56:50.885 --> 00:56:52.539 an actual bat. 1388 00:56:52.583 --> 00:56:54.411 I'm losing my freaking mind. 1389 00:56:54.454 --> 00:56:56.761 Between the early 1600s mommy issues 1390 00:56:56.804 --> 00:56:59.198 and that coffin thing, I mean, I've had my suspicions. 1391 00:56:59.241 --> 00:57:00.852 What? 1392 00:57:00.895 --> 00:57:02.549 And you never said anything? 1393 00:57:02.593 --> 00:57:04.377 Do you have any idea how crazy that sounds? 1394 00:57:04.421 --> 00:57:06.205 I know, but at least you could have told me something. 1395 00:57:06.248 --> 00:57:07.641 Now, this whole thing's gonna blow up. 1396 00:57:07.685 --> 00:57:08.860 It's gonna be a shit show 1397 00:57:08.903 --> 00:57:10.688 and I don't know where I'm at. 1398 00:57:10.731 --> 00:57:13.299 Whoa, I wasn't aware I was your vampire riddler. 1399 00:57:13.342 --> 00:57:15.432 -Okay. -Vampire. 1400 00:57:19.697 --> 00:57:23.222 [Stephanie] Honey, what are you looking at? 1401 00:57:23.265 --> 00:57:26.138 What? Oh, vampire research. 1402 00:57:26.181 --> 00:57:28.706 -Okay. And what do... -Wow. 1403 00:57:28.749 --> 00:57:30.272 ...you hope to accomplish? 1404 00:57:30.316 --> 00:57:32.318 I'm getting deep into vampire 1405 00:57:32.361 --> 00:57:35.495 lingerie-- lore, lore, linge-lore. 1406 00:57:35.539 --> 00:57:37.323 Linge-lore. What? 1407 00:57:37.366 --> 00:57:40.457 Okay. Well, that's my time. 1408 00:57:40.500 --> 00:57:42.371 -You've been a great-- -No, no, no, don't hang up. 1409 00:57:42.415 --> 00:57:44.286 Come on, honey, no. 1410 00:57:44.330 --> 00:57:45.984 [Stephanie] No, no, no, you seem a little distracted 1411 00:57:46.027 --> 00:57:48.029 and I need to get this shit off my face 1412 00:57:48.073 --> 00:57:50.118 -because it's starting to burn. -No, I love you 1413 00:57:50.162 --> 00:57:51.424 -with shit on your face. -Bye. 1414 00:57:51.468 --> 00:57:53.295 I love your shitty face. 1415 00:57:53.339 --> 00:57:55.384 Don't hang up. 1416 00:57:58.257 --> 00:58:00.781 Operation Fake Out complete. 1417 00:58:02.914 --> 00:58:04.568 Oh, my God. 1418 00:58:10.312 --> 00:58:11.357 Wait. 1419 00:58:12.967 --> 00:58:15.927 -Hmm? -If we cross this threshold, 1420 00:58:15.970 --> 00:58:17.798 there's no going back. 1421 00:58:17.842 --> 00:58:19.278 Okay. 1422 00:58:25.850 --> 00:58:27.112 [Scarlett] Hey, gang, it's Scarlett, 1423 00:58:27.155 --> 00:58:28.983 your favorite sexy podcaster. 1424 00:58:29.027 --> 00:58:30.985 Let's get back to Fia. 1425 00:58:31.029 --> 00:58:32.900 Lastly, Fia, before we go, 1426 00:58:32.944 --> 00:58:35.729 what are the pitfalls of your gift as a medium? 1427 00:58:35.773 --> 00:58:38.602 Yeah. That's a good choice, a good one. 1428 00:58:38.645 --> 00:58:42.127 As a medium, I have to always deliver the messages. 1429 00:58:42.170 --> 00:58:44.651 Sometimes it's very tough for people 1430 00:58:44.695 --> 00:58:47.741 to hear those messages from their loved one. 1431 00:58:47.785 --> 00:58:49.308 [Scarlett] Thank you, Fia, so much-- 1432 00:58:49.351 --> 00:58:52.180 Wait. Do you hear me? 1433 00:58:52.224 --> 00:58:54.052 I have always heard you. 1434 00:58:54.095 --> 00:58:55.793 No. 1435 00:58:55.836 --> 00:59:00.188 You can reach me on avid@voice.com. 1436 00:59:00.232 --> 00:59:03.148 [Scarlett] This is Scarlett Drake. 1437 00:59:03.191 --> 00:59:05.803 He is really trolling you. 1438 00:59:05.846 --> 00:59:08.240 What a surprise. 1439 00:59:08.283 --> 00:59:10.372 Let's have some fun with him. 1440 00:59:10.416 --> 00:59:12.549 Yes. 1441 00:59:12.592 --> 00:59:15.552 [singer] ♪ Got a big plan, This mindset maybe it's right♪ 1442 00:59:15.595 --> 00:59:17.597 ♪ At the right place And right time♪ 1443 00:59:17.641 --> 00:59:19.686 ♪ Maybe tonight And the whisper♪ 1444 00:59:19.730 --> 00:59:21.688 ♪ Or handshake sending a sign♪ 1445 00:59:21.732 --> 00:59:23.821 ♪ Wanna make out and kiss hard♪ 1446 00:59:23.864 --> 00:59:27.172 ♪ Wait never mind, Late night, and passing...♪ 1447 00:59:27.215 --> 00:59:29.783 Oh, Pete, you're missing out! 1448 00:59:33.265 --> 00:59:35.441 -Fuck. -[singer] ♪ When she walked in♪ 1449 00:59:35.484 --> 00:59:37.617 ♪ He froze up, Believe it's the fright♪ 1450 00:59:37.661 --> 00:59:41.186 ♪ It's cute in a way, Till you cannot speak♪ 1451 00:59:41.229 --> 00:59:43.841 -Oh, fuck! -♪ Your knees get weak♪ 1452 00:59:43.884 --> 00:59:46.844 ♪ An escape is just a nod And a casual wave♪ 1453 00:59:46.887 --> 00:59:49.063 ♪ Obsessed about it, Heavy for...♪ 1454 00:59:49.107 --> 00:59:53.459 -Oh, God! -Vampire. Vampire. Vampire. 1455 00:59:53.502 --> 00:59:55.722 Are they saying "Let's go play" in there? 1456 00:59:55.766 --> 00:59:57.681 Oh, God, yes! 1457 00:59:57.724 --> 01:00:01.380 Oh, yeah, harder! Oh! 1458 01:00:01.423 --> 01:00:03.338 Fuck! 1459 01:00:03.382 --> 01:00:06.080 [singer] ♪ I want to hold you close...♪ 1460 01:00:06.124 --> 01:00:08.517 I'm the headliner! 1461 01:00:09.475 --> 01:00:12.652 [singer] ♪ Lie still, And close your eyes girl♪ 1462 01:00:12.696 --> 01:00:15.829 ♪ So lovely, it feels so right♪ 1463 01:00:15.873 --> 01:00:19.572 -♪ I wanna hold you close...♪ -You owe me, Ethan! 1464 01:00:25.273 --> 01:00:28.668 [Darah gasp, moans] 1465 01:00:33.760 --> 01:00:35.283 [Scarlett] Come on. 1466 01:00:35.327 --> 01:00:36.807 For old times' sake. 1467 01:00:36.850 --> 01:00:39.505 Bite me, Ethan, please. 1468 01:00:39.548 --> 01:00:41.376 I want you to. 1469 01:00:41.420 --> 01:00:44.466 [upbeat music playing] 1470 01:00:52.910 --> 01:00:54.346 [Darah moans] 1471 01:00:58.350 --> 01:01:01.396 [upbeat music continues] 1472 01:01:07.185 --> 01:01:09.230 [knocks on door] 1473 01:01:14.061 --> 01:01:15.323 [Ethan] Can I come in? 1474 01:01:15.367 --> 01:01:16.673 No! 1475 01:01:16.716 --> 01:01:17.848 Good morning, sir. 1476 01:01:17.891 --> 01:01:19.458 Jesus. 1477 01:01:19.501 --> 01:01:21.286 You got to stop doing that shit. 1478 01:01:21.329 --> 01:01:23.984 I'm sorry. I thought since now that you knew 1479 01:01:24.028 --> 01:01:26.030 I could... be myself. 1480 01:01:28.641 --> 01:01:29.947 Good job last night. 1481 01:01:29.990 --> 01:01:31.513 You're viral. 1482 01:01:31.557 --> 01:01:33.472 Thank you, Pete. 1483 01:01:33.515 --> 01:01:35.082 God, it felt good. 1484 01:01:35.126 --> 01:01:36.736 I just did what you said. 1485 01:01:36.780 --> 01:01:39.870 And I was really myself up there. 1486 01:01:39.913 --> 01:01:42.568 Where are your little girlfriends at now? 1487 01:01:42.611 --> 01:01:43.917 They've left. 1488 01:01:45.745 --> 01:01:49.053 Sad. Seems like they have a really good way with words 1489 01:01:49.096 --> 01:01:50.707 and they got great personalities 1490 01:01:50.750 --> 01:01:52.926 and probably amazing business acumen. 1491 01:01:52.970 --> 01:01:54.798 [Ethan] Yes. Well, 1492 01:01:54.841 --> 01:01:58.410 let's just say I remember why I'd forgotten. 1493 01:01:58.453 --> 01:02:00.673 Then why did you just have a fucking fuck fest 1494 01:02:00.717 --> 01:02:01.761 all night, dude? 1495 01:02:01.805 --> 01:02:03.415 [chuckles softly] 1496 01:02:04.851 --> 01:02:08.289 Probably for the same reasons we go to open mics, 1497 01:02:08.333 --> 01:02:10.422 to try new things. 1498 01:02:10.465 --> 01:02:13.338 How about you bite me? 1499 01:02:13.381 --> 01:02:15.253 Would you ever consider that? 1500 01:02:15.296 --> 01:02:16.776 I wanna try new things. 1501 01:02:16.820 --> 01:02:18.996 I would never bite you, Pete. 1502 01:02:19.997 --> 01:02:21.825 Scared of competition? 1503 01:02:21.868 --> 01:02:22.956 [Ethan chuckles] 1504 01:02:25.829 --> 01:02:27.134 Competition? 1505 01:02:27.178 --> 01:02:29.746 Pete, I'm already up 2-0. 1506 01:02:29.789 --> 01:02:32.749 [upbeat music playing] 1507 01:02:47.676 --> 01:02:49.287 They say, what do men do know 1508 01:02:49.330 --> 01:02:51.071 [indistinct] sweatpants for guys, 1509 01:02:51.115 --> 01:02:53.160 they put writing on the front, you know? 1510 01:02:53.204 --> 01:02:54.901 It just said, "dinner," 1511 01:02:56.033 --> 01:02:57.948 [laughter] 1512 01:02:57.991 --> 01:02:59.732 "the other white meat." 1513 01:02:59.776 --> 01:03:01.647 [laughter] 1514 01:03:04.519 --> 01:03:05.956 [Carrot Top] I got to go. 1515 01:03:05.999 --> 01:03:08.915 Oh, oh. Dude, you're amazing. 1516 01:03:08.959 --> 01:03:10.612 -Me? -Yeah. 1517 01:03:10.656 --> 01:03:12.310 Mr. Top, I'm such a fan. 1518 01:03:12.353 --> 01:03:13.746 Thanks. Carrot. 1519 01:03:13.790 --> 01:03:15.182 Just Scott, actually that was weird. 1520 01:03:15.226 --> 01:03:17.619 Scott, the pleasure was all mine. 1521 01:03:17.663 --> 01:03:19.491 If you need a headliner, dude, 1522 01:03:19.534 --> 01:03:22.102 I'm right here six nights a week at the Luxor, 1523 01:03:22.146 --> 01:03:24.235 great gig, every night, boom, in and out, 1524 01:03:24.278 --> 01:03:26.237 sleep in your own bed, somebody else's bed, 1525 01:03:26.280 --> 01:03:28.326 but you're here in town, it's great, seriously. 1526 01:03:28.369 --> 01:03:30.154 Then mull it over, think about it. 1527 01:03:30.197 --> 01:03:33.113 It's tempting. Do you have a card that I can maybe-- 1528 01:03:33.157 --> 01:03:35.202 A card? No, I don't think comics carry cards. 1529 01:03:35.246 --> 01:03:37.988 Do you have a card? That'd be weird. 1530 01:03:38.031 --> 01:03:39.250 Uh, DM, is that what they call it? 1531 01:03:39.293 --> 01:03:40.817 -Direct messaging. -Yeah. 1532 01:03:40.860 --> 01:03:41.905 I'll give you mine, you give me yours, 1533 01:03:41.948 --> 01:03:43.297 and you'll direct me back. 1534 01:03:43.341 --> 01:03:44.603 I'll follow you back. 1535 01:03:44.646 --> 01:03:46.213 Okay. We'll see. 1536 01:03:46.257 --> 01:03:48.650 Uh, I know there's people ask you, 1537 01:03:48.694 --> 01:03:52.959 could you show me that--the fire thumb? 1538 01:03:53.003 --> 01:03:55.135 Please, I won't share it with anybody, I promise. 1539 01:03:55.179 --> 01:03:56.920 I--I don't have any friends to share it with. 1540 01:03:56.963 --> 01:03:59.879 So, just--what the fuck? 1541 01:04:01.098 --> 01:04:02.926 It's really about timing. 1542 01:04:02.969 --> 01:04:04.710 I once jerked off lefty 1543 01:04:04.753 --> 01:04:06.190 and nearly burned the entire thing off. 1544 01:04:06.233 --> 01:04:07.539 It's kinda hot. 1545 01:04:07.582 --> 01:04:09.062 Do you wanna touch it? The thumb. 1546 01:04:09.106 --> 01:04:11.760 That was my--do, do, do. Uh-hmm, uh-hmm. 1547 01:04:11.804 --> 01:04:14.198 -There we go. -Jesus. 1548 01:04:14.241 --> 01:04:16.548 How the--how the fuck did... 1549 01:04:17.941 --> 01:04:20.247 Well, as we know, magic isn't real. 1550 01:04:20.291 --> 01:04:22.293 -Can I ask you something? -Yeah. 1551 01:04:23.424 --> 01:04:25.862 Does the Carrot match the drapes? 1552 01:04:25.905 --> 01:04:27.907 -I have no drapes. -Ah. 1553 01:04:27.951 --> 01:04:29.474 Oh, yeah, too much information, probably. 1554 01:04:29.517 --> 01:04:30.997 -Stained glass windows. Okay. -Yeah. 1555 01:04:31.041 --> 01:04:32.694 You shared with me, I share with you. 1556 01:04:32.738 --> 01:04:34.348 -Well, you look fantastic. -Thank you. Thank you. 1557 01:04:34.392 --> 01:04:35.654 It's the lighting. Hey, I'm gonna--I'm gonna go, 1558 01:04:35.697 --> 01:04:37.221 but, uh, thanks for chatting 1559 01:04:37.264 --> 01:04:38.831 and thanks for showing me the, uh, thing. 1560 01:04:38.875 --> 01:04:40.920 -Sure. -You're--dude, you're awesome. 1561 01:04:40.964 --> 01:04:43.227 -Thanks. -You're awesome. DM me, fucker. 1562 01:04:43.270 --> 01:04:46.273 -I got you. -Don't not fucking DM me. 1563 01:04:46.317 --> 01:04:47.840 I'm not going to DM. 1564 01:04:47.884 --> 01:04:50.887 [upbeat music playing] 1565 01:05:01.941 --> 01:05:04.030 [laughter] 1566 01:05:04.074 --> 01:05:06.206 [Ethan] If any of you ladies would like to buy me 1567 01:05:06.250 --> 01:05:07.860 a drink after the show, 1568 01:05:07.904 --> 01:05:10.950 I'll have a Bloody Mary. Hold the Mary. 1569 01:05:10.994 --> 01:05:13.779 [applause] 1570 01:05:13.822 --> 01:05:17.391 Thank you. You all have been incredible. 1571 01:05:20.917 --> 01:05:22.788 Now, if you would, 1572 01:05:22.831 --> 01:05:24.964 please keep that round of applause going 1573 01:05:25.008 --> 01:05:28.402 for the man who taught me everything I know about comedy. 1574 01:05:28.446 --> 01:05:29.926 Mr. Pete Brennan. 1575 01:05:29.969 --> 01:05:32.972 [applause] 1576 01:05:34.147 --> 01:05:37.107 Thank you. Woo. 1577 01:05:37.150 --> 01:05:40.545 Thank you for that warm round of indifference. 1578 01:05:40.588 --> 01:05:42.460 [laughs] 1579 01:05:42.503 --> 01:05:45.593 How about one more time for Ethan Barr, huh? 1580 01:05:47.769 --> 01:05:51.773 The love child of Bella and Nosferatu. 1581 01:05:51.817 --> 01:05:54.472 -Nosferatu. -Nosferatu. 1582 01:05:54.515 --> 01:05:57.518 You've been around that long? You know? Okay. 1583 01:05:57.562 --> 01:06:00.347 You know what they say, we needs more dildos. Wow. 1584 01:06:00.391 --> 01:06:03.002 No wonder why they're trying to ban straws. Jesus Christ. 1585 01:06:03.046 --> 01:06:05.004 These fish are gonna end up with porn stars. 1586 01:06:05.048 --> 01:06:07.659 My God. I don't know if you guys know this, 1587 01:06:07.702 --> 01:06:10.009 because they say it's good luck for one of the bridesmaids 1588 01:06:10.053 --> 01:06:11.968 to sleep with the comedian right after 1589 01:06:12.011 --> 01:06:14.013 the bachelorette party. I'm just saying. 1590 01:06:14.057 --> 01:06:16.537 [Dozer] Any of them putas will do you. 1591 01:06:16.581 --> 01:06:18.017 What--what was that, sir? 1592 01:06:18.061 --> 01:06:20.019 They're all a bunch of dirty sluts. 1593 01:06:20.063 --> 01:06:21.542 -Look at 'em. -[man] All right, Dozer. 1594 01:06:21.586 --> 01:06:23.022 It's time to go. Come on. 1595 01:06:23.066 --> 01:06:24.371 Sir, aren't you late for your job 1596 01:06:24.415 --> 01:06:27.244 at the truck stop glory hole? 1597 01:06:27.287 --> 01:06:29.333 [Sarah] He's just pissed 'cause he got himself 1598 01:06:29.376 --> 01:06:30.856 -a little 'ol dick. -Ooh. 1599 01:06:30.899 --> 01:06:33.250 Wait. Oh, ladies. Wait. 1600 01:06:33.293 --> 01:06:35.034 What don't you guys share that with the crowd, what? 1601 01:06:35.078 --> 01:06:37.297 Well, there's not that much to share. 1602 01:06:37.341 --> 01:06:39.604 Hold on. So you're saying 1603 01:06:39.647 --> 01:06:41.606 that his pee-pee... 1604 01:06:41.649 --> 01:06:45.044 [speaking foreign language] 1605 01:06:45.088 --> 01:06:47.829 All right, Dozer. It's time to go. Come on. 1606 01:06:47.873 --> 01:06:49.570 [speaking foreign language] 1607 01:06:49.614 --> 01:06:50.876 Did you see what that puta just said to me? 1608 01:06:50.919 --> 01:06:52.834 That shit ain't true. 1609 01:06:52.878 --> 01:06:54.445 Well, maybe so, but you got to go. 1610 01:06:54.488 --> 01:06:55.924 It's every week. 1611 01:06:55.968 --> 01:06:57.622 It's the same damn thing with you, man. 1612 01:06:57.665 --> 01:06:59.189 [speaking foreign language] 1613 01:06:59.232 --> 01:07:00.494 Sir, I don't know why you're upset. 1614 01:07:00.538 --> 01:07:02.018 Don't get all hung up over this. 1615 01:07:02.061 --> 01:07:03.845 Oops. I said hung, 1616 01:07:03.889 --> 01:07:05.543 but I guess we all know that's not the case. 1617 01:07:05.586 --> 01:07:07.458 You're fucking dead, funny man. 1618 01:07:07.501 --> 01:07:10.156 Oh, okay. Well, I'm dead, but you're gone. So... 1619 01:07:10.200 --> 01:07:12.202 ♪ Na, na, na, na...♪ 1620 01:07:12.245 --> 01:07:14.421 [all] ♪ Na, na, na, na♪ 1621 01:07:14.465 --> 01:07:16.771 ♪ Hey, hey, hey♪ 1622 01:07:16.815 --> 01:07:18.599 -♪ Little wee♪ -♪ Good bye♪ 1623 01:07:18.643 --> 01:07:20.297 [Dozer] I'm gonna count to three. 1624 01:07:21.254 --> 01:07:23.778 Three, two... 1625 01:07:23.822 --> 01:07:25.171 Please don't do this. 1626 01:07:25.215 --> 01:07:26.738 -[gunshot] -Whoa. 1627 01:07:26.781 --> 01:07:28.348 [groans] 1628 01:07:29.436 --> 01:07:30.742 That was a warning. 1629 01:07:33.049 --> 01:07:34.659 [Ethan] You missed. 1630 01:07:34.702 --> 01:07:37.183 [gunfire] 1631 01:07:38.315 --> 01:07:39.751 Ha! 1632 01:07:39.794 --> 01:07:42.971 [suspenseful music playing] 1633 01:08:20.661 --> 01:08:23.142 You guys better get out of here and get out of here fast! 1634 01:08:23.186 --> 01:08:26.406 He's dead. What about the cops? 1635 01:08:26.450 --> 01:08:28.582 Cops? Ain't gonna be no cops, man. 1636 01:08:28.626 --> 01:08:31.411 This guy had it comin'. Besides, who's gonna miss him? 1637 01:08:31.455 --> 01:08:34.197 It was self-defense, Dale. You saw it. 1638 01:08:34.240 --> 01:08:36.416 I saw the whole doggone thing. 1639 01:08:36.460 --> 01:08:38.853 You guys wouldn't even hear it, you're ghosts man. 1640 01:08:38.897 --> 01:08:40.638 Let me get a few of the guys to come down here 1641 01:08:40.681 --> 01:08:42.596 and clean this mess up now. 1642 01:08:42.640 --> 01:08:44.381 You won't have to. 1643 01:08:48.298 --> 01:08:49.777 Are you bringing him back? 1644 01:08:49.821 --> 01:08:51.344 As if. 1645 01:09:04.879 --> 01:09:06.881 Do you have a leaf-blower? 1646 01:09:15.890 --> 01:09:18.154 I'll take that as a no. 1647 01:09:18.197 --> 01:09:20.025 We should go. 1648 01:09:20.068 --> 01:09:23.202 [dramatic music playing] 1649 01:09:23.246 --> 01:09:25.813 [singer vocalizing] 1650 01:09:58.063 --> 01:10:01.109 [dramatic music playing] 1651 01:10:06.680 --> 01:10:08.987 Bro, you... 1652 01:10:09.030 --> 01:10:10.858 you killed a guy. 1653 01:10:10.902 --> 01:10:12.077 I know. 1654 01:10:13.296 --> 01:10:14.601 And I'm sorry. 1655 01:10:16.299 --> 01:10:18.779 And drank his blood. 1656 01:10:18.823 --> 01:10:21.129 Again, I'm sorry you had to see that. 1657 01:10:24.916 --> 01:10:27.614 Then you asked for a leaf-blower? 1658 01:10:27.658 --> 01:10:29.964 What the hell? It's crazy. 1659 01:10:30.008 --> 01:10:32.184 Not--not--not because he's Mexican. 1660 01:10:32.228 --> 01:10:33.968 The ash. 1661 01:10:34.012 --> 01:10:36.014 That's funny. 1662 01:10:36.057 --> 01:10:37.885 That's--that's--yeah, okay. 1663 01:10:37.929 --> 01:10:39.713 That's--that's good. You can use that. 1664 01:10:41.367 --> 01:10:43.195 It's good instinct. 1665 01:10:43.239 --> 01:10:45.023 I learned from the best. 1666 01:10:46.633 --> 01:10:48.287 Thanks. 1667 01:10:48.331 --> 01:10:49.636 Wait a minute, can-- 1668 01:10:51.029 --> 01:10:53.249 I got--I got to ask you something. 1669 01:10:53.292 --> 01:10:55.338 -Of course. Anything. -Okay. 1670 01:10:55.381 --> 01:10:58.036 I thought the rule was if you got bit by a vampire, 1671 01:10:58.079 --> 01:10:59.864 then you turn into a vampire? 1672 01:10:59.907 --> 01:11:01.387 Not necessarily. 1673 01:11:01.431 --> 01:11:04.347 It's--it's quite complicated, really. 1674 01:11:04.390 --> 01:11:07.828 But... I suppose the short version 1675 01:11:07.872 --> 01:11:10.788 is that you could choose. 1676 01:11:10.831 --> 01:11:13.965 You can either turn someone or you can let them die. 1677 01:11:16.576 --> 01:11:17.795 Let them die? 1678 01:11:17.838 --> 01:11:19.666 You disintegrated that guy. 1679 01:11:19.710 --> 01:11:21.668 Yeah. 1680 01:11:21.712 --> 01:11:23.235 He was an asshole. 1681 01:11:26.107 --> 01:11:30.068 Okay. Hypothetically speaking, if you bit me, 1682 01:11:32.026 --> 01:11:33.680 could you choose to make me immortal? 1683 01:11:38.859 --> 01:11:41.471 Hypothetically, yes. 1684 01:11:42.428 --> 01:11:45.431 But as I've told you, I would never do that. 1685 01:11:45.475 --> 01:11:47.303 Well, hold on, dude, we're not done. 1686 01:11:47.346 --> 01:11:49.174 -I told you. -Why? We got to talk. 1687 01:11:49.217 --> 01:11:51.959 I did--hold on. 1688 01:11:55.963 --> 01:11:57.356 What if I wanted you to? 1689 01:11:57.400 --> 01:12:00.098 You don't. Trust me. 1690 01:12:00.141 --> 01:12:01.621 Why not? 1691 01:12:01.665 --> 01:12:03.406 What do I have to lose? 1692 01:12:03.449 --> 01:12:05.582 My career's nowhere. I'm broke. 1693 01:12:05.625 --> 01:12:07.497 I'm on the wrong side of 40. 1694 01:12:07.540 --> 01:12:09.325 What do I have left, 1695 01:12:09.368 --> 01:12:11.327 20 or 30 years tops? 1696 01:12:12.415 --> 01:12:13.720 I want more time. 1697 01:12:13.764 --> 01:12:16.767 Immortality is not that simple. 1698 01:12:16.810 --> 01:12:18.725 I mean, do you have any idea what it's like 1699 01:12:18.769 --> 01:12:21.249 to be emotionally dead inside? 1700 01:12:21.293 --> 01:12:25.036 Have you met me? I'm a comedian. 1701 01:12:25.079 --> 01:12:27.517 No. You see that right there, shows you don't. 1702 01:12:27.560 --> 01:12:32.043 I mean, you are cloaked in apathy and bitterness. 1703 01:12:33.914 --> 01:12:35.089 Thank you? 1704 01:12:36.090 --> 01:12:37.875 It's not a compliment. 1705 01:12:37.918 --> 01:12:39.485 You might not like the way you feel, 1706 01:12:39.529 --> 01:12:43.141 but the fact is, you do still feel. 1707 01:12:43.184 --> 01:12:45.622 And if you truly hated your life so much, 1708 01:12:45.665 --> 01:12:48.538 why on earth would you want it to continue? 1709 01:12:53.325 --> 01:12:54.761 'Cause I'm a nobody. 1710 01:12:57.111 --> 01:12:58.852 I'm just an old road bum. 1711 01:13:00.637 --> 01:13:02.508 Just played dive bars and bowling alleys 1712 01:13:02.552 --> 01:13:03.814 my whole life. 1713 01:13:05.816 --> 01:13:07.252 Never got the shot. 1714 01:13:10.386 --> 01:13:12.388 But with this, 1715 01:13:12.431 --> 01:13:14.651 I can have more time. 1716 01:13:14.694 --> 01:13:17.218 Ethan, please. 1717 01:13:17.262 --> 01:13:19.395 I'm asking you as a friend. 1718 01:13:22.223 --> 01:13:23.747 Please bite me. 1719 01:13:30.623 --> 01:13:35.062 With all due respect, no. 1720 01:13:35.106 --> 01:13:36.281 Why? 1721 01:13:37.413 --> 01:13:39.937 Because nothing changes, Pete. 1722 01:13:39.980 --> 01:13:43.680 I'm still the same naive boy I was in 1613. 1723 01:13:43.723 --> 01:13:46.117 Yes, I've--I've adapted to my surroundings, 1724 01:13:46.160 --> 01:13:48.249 sure, because I've had to. 1725 01:13:48.293 --> 01:13:50.469 But I haven't changed. 1726 01:13:50.513 --> 01:13:52.645 Nobody does. 1727 01:13:52.689 --> 01:13:54.908 What makes you think you'd be any different? 1728 01:13:56.432 --> 01:14:00.000 I don't know. But why not try? 1729 01:14:00.044 --> 01:14:02.786 Because there's no going back. 1730 01:14:02.829 --> 01:14:04.744 You will taste death. 1731 01:14:04.788 --> 01:14:08.748 Or--or appreciate its worth. 1732 01:14:08.792 --> 01:14:11.272 You'll only lose yourself in an infinite loop 1733 01:14:11.316 --> 01:14:14.493 while you watch everyone around you die. 1734 01:14:15.842 --> 01:14:17.148 Is that what you want? 1735 01:14:19.280 --> 01:14:20.412 Is it? 1736 01:14:23.328 --> 01:14:24.808 Maybe that's already happened. 1737 01:14:28.028 --> 01:14:29.900 Oh, has it? 1738 01:14:29.943 --> 01:14:31.815 Mr. Comic's Comic? 1739 01:14:33.120 --> 01:14:36.254 You're the one playing lonely road dog, 1740 01:14:36.297 --> 01:14:38.212 pretending you're above loving anyone else 1741 01:14:38.256 --> 01:14:40.432 above yourself, 1742 01:14:40.476 --> 01:14:44.436 or God worse than loving you. 1743 01:14:46.177 --> 01:14:47.961 It's not fair to the very few people 1744 01:14:48.005 --> 01:14:49.746 who do give a shit, 1745 01:14:49.789 --> 01:14:51.922 especially Stephanie. 1746 01:14:51.965 --> 01:14:55.969 This has nothing to do with Steph, okay? 1747 01:14:56.013 --> 01:14:58.537 You know, you really are an ungrateful prick. 1748 01:14:59.756 --> 01:15:03.542 She sticks by you, no questions asked, 1749 01:15:03.586 --> 01:15:05.239 and you're willing to let that fade away 1750 01:15:05.283 --> 01:15:09.374 like everyone else simply because what? 1751 01:15:09.417 --> 01:15:12.290 You feel the time that you do have left isn't enough? 1752 01:15:14.335 --> 01:15:16.207 Now, who's playing the victim? 1753 01:15:20.080 --> 01:15:21.734 She knows what she signed up for. 1754 01:15:25.956 --> 01:15:28.436 She knows that there's only one person 1755 01:15:28.480 --> 01:15:31.265 that I ever loved unconditionally. 1756 01:15:37.968 --> 01:15:39.883 Who I watched die. 1757 01:15:39.926 --> 01:15:42.973 [dramatic music playing] 1758 01:15:52.591 --> 01:15:54.245 He didn't have the luxury of time. 1759 01:15:58.379 --> 01:16:00.730 He died without ever understanding 1760 01:16:00.773 --> 01:16:02.993 the benefits of it 1761 01:16:03.036 --> 01:16:04.516 or the value of it. 1762 01:16:07.867 --> 01:16:08.999 You know why? 1763 01:16:10.391 --> 01:16:13.220 Because eight year olds usually don't. 1764 01:16:21.881 --> 01:16:25.755 You--you had a child? 1765 01:16:26.973 --> 01:16:28.061 Yeah. 1766 01:16:29.715 --> 01:16:30.977 I had a son. 1767 01:16:32.109 --> 01:16:33.937 [Ethan sighs] 1768 01:16:38.681 --> 01:16:42.380 The universe took care of that real quick. 1769 01:16:42.423 --> 01:16:47.211 So, don't lecture me on the value of time, okay? 1770 01:16:49.343 --> 01:16:51.432 Because you have no fucking clue 1771 01:16:51.476 --> 01:16:55.567 what you're talking about, kid. 1772 01:16:57.351 --> 01:16:59.484 Pete, I'm sorry. I didn't know. 1773 01:17:00.441 --> 01:17:01.617 Now, you do. 1774 01:17:04.141 --> 01:17:07.187 [dramatic music playing] 1775 01:17:09.537 --> 01:17:11.365 I'm still not going to bite you. 1776 01:17:13.759 --> 01:17:16.153 I don't want you to bite me anymore. 1777 01:17:16.196 --> 01:17:17.850 Pussy. 1778 01:17:17.894 --> 01:17:19.417 You forgot your shit. 1779 01:17:26.598 --> 01:17:28.644 [Chuck] Hey, Pete. It's your favorite manager. 1780 01:17:28.687 --> 01:17:30.602 You got to give me a call when you got a chance. 1781 01:17:30.646 --> 01:17:33.953 I got bad news on the Russell Peters club. 1782 01:17:33.997 --> 01:17:35.651 [upbeat music playing] 1783 01:17:35.694 --> 01:17:37.653 [singer] ♪ Ooh, let's go!♪ 1784 01:17:39.219 --> 01:17:40.917 Chuck, you fucking slimy snake, 1785 01:17:40.960 --> 01:17:44.268 10% piece of fucking horseshit. 1786 01:17:44.311 --> 01:17:45.965 Hey, ass-nugget. 1787 01:17:46.009 --> 01:17:47.532 They wanted your protege, not you. 1788 01:17:47.575 --> 01:17:48.751 What does it even matter, dude? 1789 01:17:48.794 --> 01:17:49.752 It's a fucking warm-up spot. 1790 01:17:49.795 --> 01:17:51.231 A baby could do it. 1791 01:17:51.275 --> 01:17:53.277 Russell's never gonna go for this. 1792 01:17:53.320 --> 01:17:55.279 Charlie, it's out of my control. 1793 01:17:55.322 --> 01:17:56.933 Look, you still get to open the show, 1794 01:17:56.976 --> 01:17:58.586 but instead of Russell, you bring up Ethan, 1795 01:17:58.630 --> 01:18:00.240 and Ethan brings up Russell. 1796 01:18:00.284 --> 01:18:01.981 That's messed up, man. 1797 01:18:02.025 --> 01:18:03.679 See? He even gets it. 1798 01:18:03.722 --> 01:18:05.942 And he's not even finished Rosetta Stone yet. 1799 01:18:05.985 --> 01:18:07.378 Fuck you, Chuck! 1800 01:18:07.421 --> 01:18:08.901 You know he killed a guy the other night? 1801 01:18:08.945 --> 01:18:10.686 Oh, nice. Did you film that too? 1802 01:18:10.729 --> 01:18:12.731 With his teeth. Fang. 1803 01:18:14.298 --> 01:18:16.039 Listen, ass-munch. 1804 01:18:16.082 --> 01:18:17.910 I don't know what the fuck is going on with you. 1805 01:18:17.954 --> 01:18:20.347 This is bullshit, Chuck. It's not right. 1806 01:18:20.391 --> 01:18:21.740 What did I tell you 1807 01:18:21.784 --> 01:18:22.741 when we first started this business? 1808 01:18:22.785 --> 01:18:24.264 Okay, nothing is fair. 1809 01:18:24.308 --> 01:18:27.441 And you can't take anything personally. 1810 01:18:30.314 --> 01:18:32.011 Heck. Are we good? 1811 01:18:32.055 --> 01:18:34.535 No. We're far from good. 1812 01:18:34.579 --> 01:18:36.668 Heegan, finish him! 1813 01:18:38.801 --> 01:18:40.150 [Ethan] Wow. 1814 01:18:41.542 --> 01:18:44.850 Pete, this place is incredible. 1815 01:18:44.894 --> 01:18:45.938 [Pete] Thanks. 1816 01:18:45.982 --> 01:18:47.418 It was once featured on 1817 01:18:47.461 --> 01:18:49.986 Lifestyles of the Broke and Anonymous, 1818 01:18:50.029 --> 01:18:53.772 where caviar dreams don't exist. 1819 01:18:53.816 --> 01:18:58.908 Hmm, you jest, but I find it quite chic. 1820 01:19:02.302 --> 01:19:04.696 How are you feeling? 1821 01:19:04.740 --> 01:19:06.219 Honestly, I haven't been this nervous 1822 01:19:06.263 --> 01:19:09.614 since the Anti-Habsburg Uprising. 1823 01:19:09.657 --> 01:19:11.137 I wouldn't open with that. 1824 01:19:12.573 --> 01:19:14.488 No, of course not. 1825 01:19:16.360 --> 01:19:18.884 Look, you're nervous. 1826 01:19:18.928 --> 01:19:20.538 It's totally normal to be nervous. 1827 01:19:20.581 --> 01:19:22.801 It's--anybody would be. 1828 01:19:22.845 --> 01:19:24.455 No, of course. 1829 01:19:27.240 --> 01:19:28.546 How are you? 1830 01:19:30.069 --> 01:19:33.899 Fuck, no. I'm dead inside, remember? 1831 01:19:35.814 --> 01:19:38.251 But for you, it's more normal. 1832 01:19:40.384 --> 01:19:42.690 Wait, what? 1833 01:19:42.734 --> 01:19:46.259 I remember not long ago when you were vampsplaining 1834 01:19:46.303 --> 01:19:49.741 how immortality is a hollowed existence. 1835 01:19:49.785 --> 01:19:54.528 But here you are filled to the brim with emotion. 1836 01:19:56.356 --> 01:19:59.620 It's quite a paradox, 1837 01:20:01.274 --> 01:20:02.841 isn't it, Clarice? 1838 01:20:04.234 --> 01:20:06.497 What's the matter? 1839 01:20:06.540 --> 01:20:07.803 Bat have your tongue? 1840 01:20:10.501 --> 01:20:13.417 [car horn honks] 1841 01:20:13.460 --> 01:20:15.375 Our ride is here. 1842 01:20:15.419 --> 01:20:18.509 That makes me so happy. 1843 01:20:18.552 --> 01:20:19.510 You? 1844 01:20:19.553 --> 01:20:21.120 I don't sound like that. 1845 01:20:22.556 --> 01:20:23.514 I know. 1846 01:20:23.557 --> 01:20:25.037 That was Anthony Hopkins 1847 01:20:25.081 --> 01:20:26.125 but you kind of are in the same neighborhood. 1848 01:20:27.170 --> 01:20:29.389 Let's go make a memory, cuh. 1849 01:20:29.433 --> 01:20:30.782 [singer] ♪ You know, I'm built for it♪ 1850 01:20:30.826 --> 01:20:32.305 ♪ You ain't gotta ask twice♪ 1851 01:20:32.349 --> 01:20:34.264 ♪ You ain't about That fast life♪ 1852 01:20:34.307 --> 01:20:36.875 ♪ Huh, hundred on the dash With the cash like♪ 1853 01:20:36.919 --> 01:20:38.050 ♪ You ain't about That fast life...♪ 1854 01:20:38.094 --> 01:20:42.620 Holy shit. Ethan, 1855 01:20:42.663 --> 01:20:44.230 you're big time! 1856 01:20:44.274 --> 01:20:45.710 Oh, yeah. He's huge. 1857 01:20:45.753 --> 01:20:46.972 That's why he's riding "bitch," 1858 01:20:47.016 --> 01:20:48.495 in the backseat, of this shitbox. 1859 01:20:48.539 --> 01:20:49.975 Hey, whoa. 1860 01:20:50.019 --> 01:20:51.455 At least, Roy doesn't have a boot on his car 1861 01:20:51.498 --> 01:20:53.587 from unpaid fines. 1862 01:20:53.631 --> 01:20:55.328 And I will see them in court 1863 01:20:55.372 --> 01:20:57.374 because those signs were clearly not marked handicapped. 1864 01:20:57.417 --> 01:21:01.508 All right. Kids, kids, kids, that'll be $37.50. 1865 01:21:01.552 --> 01:21:04.294 I accept cash, hash, or gash. 1866 01:21:04.337 --> 01:21:06.557 -No one rides for free. -Okay. 1867 01:21:06.600 --> 01:21:08.037 Maybe you can, uh, deduct it 1868 01:21:08.080 --> 01:21:09.516 from the ten years of comp tickets 1869 01:21:09.560 --> 01:21:10.866 that Pete's got you. 1870 01:21:10.909 --> 01:21:12.389 What about you, Steph? 1871 01:21:12.432 --> 01:21:15.305 Uh, obviously, the girlfriend discount. 1872 01:21:15.348 --> 01:21:17.568 So, you mean girlfriend's "dicks-count." 1873 01:21:17.611 --> 01:21:18.961 Oh. [laughs] 1874 01:21:19.004 --> 01:21:20.832 If anyone's dicks count, it would be her. 1875 01:21:20.876 --> 01:21:22.921 Oh, God. 1876 01:21:22.965 --> 01:21:26.185 Apparently, Roy's jokes even need to be marked handicapped. 1877 01:21:26.229 --> 01:21:28.361 [Roy] I'm getting heckled by Ethan. 1878 01:21:28.405 --> 01:21:30.755 It's not bad. 1879 01:21:30.798 --> 01:21:32.713 Hey. 1880 01:21:32.757 --> 01:21:35.281 I want you to know how proud I am of you. 1881 01:21:35.325 --> 01:21:36.804 For what? 1882 01:21:43.811 --> 01:21:45.248 Really? 1883 01:21:45.291 --> 01:21:46.858 It's my ride. 1884 01:21:46.902 --> 01:21:48.077 Not anymore. 1885 01:21:50.296 --> 01:21:54.126 -Thank you, Roy. -It's my car. My car. 1886 01:21:54.170 --> 01:21:58.043 Honey, you know, before a show I'd only tell you maybe save it. 1887 01:21:58.087 --> 01:21:59.958 Be caressed like this? 1888 01:22:00.002 --> 01:22:01.351 -No, I just-- -Like this? 1889 01:22:01.394 --> 01:22:03.788 It's a prize fighter. 1890 01:22:03.831 --> 01:22:06.660 Really? Be serious for a second. 1891 01:22:06.704 --> 01:22:08.619 What you did showed a lot of class. 1892 01:22:11.100 --> 01:22:12.710 Or stupidity? 1893 01:22:13.624 --> 01:22:16.844 I don't know, maybe a friendly combination of both. 1894 01:22:18.281 --> 01:22:19.978 You're gonna do great tonight. 1895 01:22:20.022 --> 01:22:21.632 You are great. 1896 01:22:24.765 --> 01:22:26.071 I love you too. 1897 01:22:31.685 --> 01:22:33.383 Why are you so good to me? 1898 01:22:35.428 --> 01:22:37.517 Because you deserve it. 1899 01:22:37.561 --> 01:22:38.823 Sometimes, you know? 1900 01:22:41.478 --> 01:22:44.220 Now, get out there and be Pete Fuckin' Brennan! 1901 01:22:44.263 --> 01:22:45.569 It's an order. 1902 01:22:46.918 --> 01:22:48.311 Somebody's gotta do it. 1903 01:22:49.529 --> 01:22:51.009 Yeah! 1904 01:22:51.053 --> 01:22:54.099 [upbeat music playing] 1905 01:22:58.495 --> 01:22:59.670 -[DJ Minky] Heegan. -What's up? 1906 01:22:59.713 --> 01:23:01.237 You wanna learn how to DJ? 1907 01:23:01.280 --> 01:23:03.804 Well, please show me, I will do, do amazing. 1908 01:23:03.848 --> 01:23:05.502 You teach me jujitsu, 1909 01:23:05.545 --> 01:23:07.156 I'll teach you how to cut and scratch. 1910 01:23:07.199 --> 01:23:10.028 Well, it's a good trade. I'm in. Let's go. 1911 01:23:10.072 --> 01:23:13.075 [speaking foreign language] 1912 01:23:13.118 --> 01:23:17.166 [upbeat music playing] 1913 01:23:28.960 --> 01:23:30.179 You blowing a ghost? 1914 01:23:30.222 --> 01:23:32.268 Holy shit bro! 1915 01:23:32.311 --> 01:23:34.618 You can't sneak up on a guy mid-chew. 1916 01:23:34.661 --> 01:23:36.881 When did you start eating vegetables? 1917 01:23:38.187 --> 01:23:39.449 I read this interview 1918 01:23:39.492 --> 01:23:41.625 with Peter North who's a porn star. 1919 01:23:41.668 --> 01:23:43.757 He said, celery is the key 1920 01:23:43.801 --> 01:23:46.804 to a robust and meaty money shot. 1921 01:23:46.847 --> 01:23:48.675 And at my age, I need all the help I can get. 1922 01:23:48.719 --> 01:23:52.636 I have a tough enough time clearing my own thumbs. 1923 01:23:52.679 --> 01:23:55.378 You also have a tough enough time clearing my checks. 1924 01:23:55.421 --> 01:23:57.075 Well, one time. 1925 01:23:57.119 --> 01:23:58.468 Hey, are you available for weddings? 1926 01:23:58.511 --> 01:24:00.078 [Russell] And bar mitzvahs. 1927 01:24:00.122 --> 01:24:01.384 -[Pete] What's up, buddy? -[Chuck] How are you? 1928 01:24:03.647 --> 01:24:05.083 -Ethan. -Ethan. 1929 01:24:05.127 --> 01:24:06.867 Nice to meet you, buddy. 1930 01:24:06.911 --> 01:24:09.087 For the record, this wasn't my idea. 1931 01:24:09.131 --> 01:24:11.089 The suits, they got all excited when something new 1932 01:24:11.133 --> 01:24:12.743 and shiny comes along 1933 01:24:12.786 --> 01:24:15.137 and jump on whatever keeps the kids moist. 1934 01:24:15.180 --> 01:24:18.009 Well, Pete has told me so much about you. 1935 01:24:18.053 --> 01:24:20.533 Truly an honor and a privilege to meet you, sir. 1936 01:24:20.577 --> 01:24:22.405 [laughs] 1937 01:24:22.448 --> 01:24:24.537 Truly an honor and a privilege to meet you, sir." 1938 01:24:24.581 --> 01:24:25.843 Where the fuck did you find this kid? 1939 01:24:25.886 --> 01:24:28.150 Only Fangs. 1940 01:24:28.193 --> 01:24:29.194 [Russell] Who taught you how to speak? 1941 01:24:29.238 --> 01:24:31.022 Fucking Mr. Belvedere? 1942 01:24:31.066 --> 01:24:34.460 "It is truly an honor and privilege to meet you, sir." 1943 01:24:34.504 --> 01:24:36.201 I'm just fucking with you, kid. 1944 01:24:36.245 --> 01:24:37.942 I saw your thing for real, 1945 01:24:37.985 --> 01:24:39.465 that Chris Angel magic trick you did, it was good. 1946 01:24:39.509 --> 01:24:42.860 Not my cup of tea but, you know, kudos to you. 1947 01:24:42.903 --> 01:24:44.427 Well, thank you. 1948 01:24:44.470 --> 01:24:46.168 [Russell] So, here's what's gonna happen. 1949 01:24:46.211 --> 01:24:47.691 Pete's gonna go and do 20. 1950 01:24:47.734 --> 01:24:49.432 He's going to kill it. 1951 01:24:49.475 --> 01:24:51.129 And you're not gonna be able to follow him 1952 01:24:51.173 --> 01:24:52.696 but you're gonna go on after him anyway. 1953 01:24:52.739 --> 01:24:56.047 Okay. I--I can handle that. 1954 01:24:56.091 --> 01:24:58.354 [Russell] This fucking kid a rescue or something? 1955 01:24:58.397 --> 01:25:00.878 You teach him how to roll over, fetch your slippers? 1956 01:25:00.921 --> 01:25:02.575 [Pete] He's fine. He's just being nervous. 1957 01:25:02.619 --> 01:25:04.360 Remember our early shitty gigs 1958 01:25:04.403 --> 01:25:07.450 we did up in Toronto in '95, was it a stupid beer fest? 1959 01:25:07.493 --> 01:25:08.973 It was some beer fest. It was shitty. 1960 01:25:09.016 --> 01:25:10.583 [Pete] And they had that statement. 1961 01:25:10.627 --> 01:25:11.976 -What was I saying? -[Russell] Oh, it's, uh... 1962 01:25:12.019 --> 01:25:14.457 [both] "That's what beer is all about." 1963 01:25:14.500 --> 01:25:15.719 -Yeah. -It was stupid. 1964 01:25:15.762 --> 01:25:17.938 What? 1965 01:25:17.982 --> 01:25:19.418 Hey, uh, Ethan, 1966 01:25:19.462 --> 01:25:21.159 I want you to know that all this ass kissing 1967 01:25:21.203 --> 01:25:24.119 and fuckin' brown nosing is all bullshit, all right? 1968 01:25:24.162 --> 01:25:25.555 It's not gonna last forever. 1969 01:25:25.598 --> 01:25:27.557 So, don't forget your place and time. 1970 01:25:27.600 --> 01:25:29.036 [speaking foreign language] 1971 01:25:31.082 --> 01:25:32.214 I won't. 1972 01:25:33.693 --> 01:25:36.566 We all know this is Pete's spot 1973 01:25:36.609 --> 01:25:40.222 and whether me being here was your decision or not. 1974 01:25:41.832 --> 01:25:43.442 I won't let either of you down. 1975 01:25:46.184 --> 01:25:48.230 Why does he talk like that? 1976 01:25:48.273 --> 01:25:50.928 He watched a lot of Harry Potter as a kid. 1977 01:25:50.971 --> 01:25:52.756 I'm probably the Harriest Potter he's ever met. 1978 01:25:54.105 --> 01:25:56.238 [man] Pete, you're on in three minutes. 1979 01:25:58.979 --> 01:26:02.983 Okay. Any last minute advice? 1980 01:26:03.027 --> 01:26:04.463 Yes! 1981 01:26:04.507 --> 01:26:06.291 Oh, my God. This is very important. 1982 01:26:06.335 --> 01:26:07.510 Don't suck. 1983 01:26:07.553 --> 01:26:09.773 [laughs] 1984 01:26:09.816 --> 01:26:11.644 Got him. 1985 01:26:11.688 --> 01:26:12.819 Thank you. 1986 01:26:15.605 --> 01:26:17.302 [Chuck] He's nervous. 1987 01:26:17.346 --> 01:26:21.306 Kid's shaking like a dog trying to shit a peach seed. 1988 01:26:21.350 --> 01:26:24.266 [laughs] 1989 01:26:24.309 --> 01:26:26.050 You an actress? 1990 01:26:26.093 --> 01:26:28.008 You wanna be? 1991 01:26:28.052 --> 01:26:30.272 How about an over the pants hand job with no eye contact? 1992 01:26:31.577 --> 01:26:32.578 No? 1993 01:26:32.622 --> 01:26:35.712 [upbeat music playing] 1994 01:26:35.755 --> 01:26:38.236 [singer] ♪ We on a world tour With Muhammad, my man♪ 1995 01:26:38.280 --> 01:26:40.107 ♪ Going each and every place♪ 1996 01:26:40.151 --> 01:26:41.370 ♪ With the mic in their hand, New York♪ 1997 01:26:41.413 --> 01:26:43.328 [indistinct] 1998 01:26:43.372 --> 01:26:45.330 like imagine if I did that to people. 1999 01:26:45.374 --> 01:26:47.419 And I was like, "Oh, shit. What's up Bed, Bath & Beyond? 2000 01:26:47.463 --> 01:26:49.421 [laughter] 2001 01:26:49.465 --> 01:26:51.162 Smoothy King, where you at? 2002 01:26:52.337 --> 01:26:53.686 "Chik-fil-A." 2003 01:26:53.730 --> 01:26:56.036 [laughter] 2004 01:26:56.080 --> 01:26:58.909 -[cheers and applause] -All right. 2005 01:26:58.952 --> 01:27:00.563 Wow! 2006 01:27:01.912 --> 01:27:03.435 And I'm just your "fluffer." 2007 01:27:03.479 --> 01:27:04.958 Wait till the pizza man gets here, 2008 01:27:05.002 --> 01:27:07.222 you know what I'm saying? 2009 01:27:07.265 --> 01:27:09.833 Delivering that peckeroni. 2010 01:27:09.876 --> 01:27:11.835 Um, all right. 2011 01:27:11.878 --> 01:27:13.358 Guys, you ready for your next comic? 2012 01:27:13.402 --> 01:27:15.752 [crowd] Yeah! 2013 01:27:15.795 --> 01:27:19.582 Your next comedian is 27 years old 2014 01:27:19.625 --> 01:27:22.149 but he's a legit quad-centennial. 2015 01:27:22.193 --> 01:27:24.064 That's right. 2016 01:27:24.108 --> 01:27:26.937 Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together 2017 01:27:26.980 --> 01:27:30.288 for Mr. Ethan Barr. 2018 01:27:30.332 --> 01:27:35.685 [rock music playing] 2019 01:27:35.728 --> 01:27:40.646 [applause] 2020 01:27:41.865 --> 01:27:43.649 Wow. 2021 01:27:43.693 --> 01:27:47.044 This is incredible. 2022 01:27:47.087 --> 01:27:49.307 Though I have to be honest, I haven't been this nervous 2023 01:27:49.351 --> 01:27:53.180 since the Anti-Habsburg Uprising of 1740. 2024 01:27:53.224 --> 01:27:55.444 What the fuck? 2025 01:27:55.487 --> 01:27:56.749 [clears throat] 2026 01:27:58.751 --> 01:28:02.886 You know... my mentor said 2027 01:28:02.929 --> 01:28:04.670 not to open with that joke. 2028 01:28:04.714 --> 01:28:06.237 He was right. 2029 01:28:07.630 --> 01:28:10.197 He usually is. 2030 01:28:10.241 --> 01:28:14.550 He's a true comic's comic which is why I believe 2031 01:28:14.593 --> 01:28:16.943 we should bring him out for another bow. 2032 01:28:18.075 --> 01:28:19.990 Ladies and gentlemen, 2033 01:28:20.033 --> 01:28:21.600 please help me reintroduce 2034 01:28:21.644 --> 01:28:24.560 your first headliner of the evening, 2035 01:28:24.603 --> 01:28:26.910 Mr. Pete Brennan! 2036 01:28:26.953 --> 01:28:29.478 [crowd cheering] 2037 01:28:29.521 --> 01:28:31.001 What the fuck? 2038 01:28:31.044 --> 01:28:32.437 What the fuck? 2039 01:28:32.481 --> 01:28:34.309 -What the fuck? -What the fuck? 2040 01:28:34.352 --> 01:28:35.788 What the fuck. 2041 01:28:35.832 --> 01:28:37.050 Come on. 2042 01:28:37.094 --> 01:28:39.923 [crowd cheering] 2043 01:28:52.022 --> 01:28:54.764 -Seriously, dude, what the fuck? -Look, I have no fucking idea. 2044 01:28:54.807 --> 01:28:56.287 I'm sorry. 2045 01:28:56.331 --> 01:28:57.984 The guy just went rogue. I don't know. 2046 01:28:58.028 --> 01:28:59.769 He's going down like an Iraqi fighter pilot. 2047 01:28:59.812 --> 01:29:01.771 I knew he wasn't ready. He's your protege. 2048 01:29:01.814 --> 01:29:03.468 -[Danny] Yes. -My protege? 2049 01:29:03.512 --> 01:29:05.122 You're the guy who booked him. 2050 01:29:05.165 --> 01:29:06.689 -[Chuck] I didn't book him. -Yes, you did. 2051 01:29:06.732 --> 01:29:08.168 When you were rolling on the fucking ground 2052 01:29:08.212 --> 01:29:09.692 with Heegan Mitch out on the backyard 2053 01:29:09.735 --> 01:29:11.389 who said, "He's gonna be on camera, remember?" 2054 01:29:11.433 --> 01:29:14.174 What? Did Heegan squeeze your fucking brain too tight? 2055 01:29:14.218 --> 01:29:19.876 [Ethan] Help me give a warm welcome to Russell Peters. 2056 01:29:19.919 --> 01:29:22.922 Is that how you're trying to revive your career? 2057 01:29:22.966 --> 01:29:25.185 Who said my career's in the shitter? 2058 01:29:25.229 --> 01:29:26.709 [singer] ♪ Can I kick it?♪ 2059 01:29:26.752 --> 01:29:29.451 Give it up for, uh, Pete Brennan 2060 01:29:29.494 --> 01:29:32.628 and his beautiful daughter Ethan Barr, 2061 01:29:32.671 --> 01:29:34.934 my favorite vampire. 2062 01:29:34.978 --> 01:29:37.372 [crowd laughing] 2063 01:29:37.415 --> 01:29:39.330 Never understood the name, Ethan, and all of a sudden, 2064 01:29:39.374 --> 01:29:40.897 too much, like, methane to me. 2065 01:29:42.594 --> 01:29:45.075 Which makes sense because his breath smells like shit. 2066 01:29:46.859 --> 01:29:49.427 [crowd cheering] 2067 01:29:49.471 --> 01:29:51.821 Oh, you got two Asian girls with you, huh? 2068 01:29:51.864 --> 01:29:54.301 What happened? Double clicked on the check out? 2069 01:29:54.345 --> 01:30:00.177 [laughter] 2070 01:30:00.220 --> 01:30:04.094 [rapper] ♪ I mean, this is The best times of my life♪ 2071 01:30:04.137 --> 01:30:05.487 [upbeat music playing] 2072 01:30:05.530 --> 01:30:08.185 [Pete] This is it, my friend. 2073 01:30:08.228 --> 01:30:11.449 This is what it's all about, 2074 01:30:11.493 --> 01:30:15.018 the moment, after the moment 2075 01:30:15.061 --> 01:30:17.412 when we shared a moment. 2076 01:30:17.455 --> 01:30:19.979 Wow. That is--that's deep. 2077 01:30:20.023 --> 01:30:21.938 [laughter] 2078 01:30:23.200 --> 01:30:26.116 Ah, that ain't shit, homeboy. 2079 01:30:28.510 --> 01:30:30.903 Dude, you're going, like, 2080 01:30:30.947 --> 01:30:34.254 55 in a 65, bro. 2081 01:30:34.298 --> 01:30:36.300 Come on! 2082 01:30:36.343 --> 01:30:40.260 Punch it, live a little. 2083 01:30:40.304 --> 01:30:42.828 Pete, I know it should've been you and not me. 2084 01:30:45.962 --> 01:30:47.529 Not your fault. 2085 01:30:47.572 --> 01:30:49.748 I'm sorry. 2086 01:30:49.792 --> 01:30:52.403 This is business. 2087 01:30:52.447 --> 01:30:57.713 Shit's uptown, reward's mediocre. 2088 01:30:57.756 --> 01:31:00.063 But I'm actually really proud of you. 2089 01:31:01.847 --> 01:31:03.632 I know I'm not as funny as you. 2090 01:31:03.675 --> 01:31:05.590 And you never will be. 2091 01:31:05.634 --> 01:31:06.896 Ever. 2092 01:31:08.332 --> 01:31:11.161 But... it doesn't matter 2093 01:31:12.510 --> 01:31:15.034 because you got something I don't. 2094 01:31:17.254 --> 01:31:18.385 What? 2095 01:31:19.778 --> 01:31:25.784 You have... a presence. 2096 01:31:28.178 --> 01:31:32.574 Open this motherfucker up! 2097 01:31:34.576 --> 01:31:36.273 Fine. You want me to go? 2098 01:31:37.840 --> 01:31:39.494 Woo! 2099 01:31:39.537 --> 01:31:41.670 Woo! Woo! Gas it. 2100 01:31:44.673 --> 01:31:47.719 Yeah! Yeah, man. 2101 01:31:47.763 --> 01:31:51.767 Woo! Yeah. 2102 01:31:51.810 --> 01:31:54.509 Pete. Pete, get inside! 2103 01:31:56.554 --> 01:31:57.860 What is the matter with you? 2104 01:31:57.903 --> 01:32:00.210 Woo! 2105 01:32:00.253 --> 01:32:01.994 Yeah. 2106 01:32:03.082 --> 01:32:05.302 Yeah. 2107 01:32:05.345 --> 01:32:06.738 Pete. Get in--Pete, Pete! 2108 01:32:06.782 --> 01:32:08.871 [crash] 2109 01:32:11.308 --> 01:32:14.354 [dramatic music playing] 2110 01:32:47.605 --> 01:32:49.259 [panting] 2111 01:32:49.302 --> 01:32:51.696 [coughs] 2112 01:32:51.740 --> 01:32:52.915 Pete! 2113 01:32:52.958 --> 01:32:54.569 I'm fine. 2114 01:32:54.612 --> 01:32:56.266 Bite me, Ethan. 2115 01:32:56.309 --> 01:32:58.964 No, I won't have to. 2116 01:32:59.008 --> 01:33:00.879 You're going to be okay. 2117 01:33:02.620 --> 01:33:03.969 [Pete] How bad is it? 2118 01:33:04.013 --> 01:33:05.405 Um... 2119 01:33:07.146 --> 01:33:09.540 I've seen worse. 2120 01:33:09.584 --> 01:33:11.324 [breathes heavily] 2121 01:33:11.368 --> 01:33:13.631 Well, this is it. 2122 01:33:13.675 --> 01:33:15.938 This is the way it ends. 2123 01:33:15.981 --> 01:33:17.635 No, hey. Hey. Hey. 2124 01:33:17.679 --> 01:33:19.463 Save your energy, okay? 2125 01:33:19.506 --> 01:33:21.596 They're on their way. You're going to be fine. 2126 01:33:23.032 --> 01:33:25.861 -I'm fine. -[Ethan] Hey, come on. 2127 01:33:25.904 --> 01:33:27.732 The ambulance is almost here, all right? 2128 01:33:27.776 --> 01:33:29.168 Just hang on. 2129 01:33:29.212 --> 01:33:31.649 [Pete] Here's my boy. 2130 01:33:31.693 --> 01:33:35.261 [Ethan] Yes. I'm your boy. 2131 01:33:35.305 --> 01:33:38.308 No. No, my son. 2132 01:33:38.351 --> 01:33:40.266 My son is here. 2133 01:33:40.310 --> 01:33:41.877 -Yes. -[Pete] My son is here. 2134 01:33:41.920 --> 01:33:43.052 Yeah, they're almost here. 2135 01:33:43.095 --> 01:33:44.923 Just hang on, okay? 2136 01:33:47.186 --> 01:33:48.753 I don't know, Ethan. 2137 01:33:48.797 --> 01:33:50.363 I can't. 2138 01:33:51.669 --> 01:33:53.889 He just came in the light. 2139 01:33:53.932 --> 01:33:56.152 No, Pete. Come on, stay, stay with me. 2140 01:33:56.195 --> 01:33:57.544 Stay with me, Pete. 2141 01:33:57.588 --> 01:33:59.895 I got to get up now. 2142 01:34:02.332 --> 01:34:05.988 Hey, you're gonna cry, cry. 2143 01:34:08.860 --> 01:34:13.560 That's my time. Goodnight. 2144 01:34:13.604 --> 01:34:17.042 [siren wailing in distance] 2145 01:34:19.262 --> 01:34:22.526 Pete. Pete. Pete. 2146 01:34:22.569 --> 01:34:25.747 Come on. Come on, stay with me, Pete. 2147 01:34:25.790 --> 01:34:29.576 Please. Please, Pete. 2148 01:34:29.620 --> 01:34:32.667 [dramatic music playing] 2149 01:34:44.330 --> 01:34:45.767 [Sandy] Good morning. 2150 01:34:45.810 --> 01:34:47.333 Do you have a reservation with us today? 2151 01:34:47.377 --> 01:34:49.945 -Yes, I do. -Fantastic! 2152 01:34:49.988 --> 01:34:52.774 Um, and what is the last name of the traveler? 2153 01:34:52.817 --> 01:34:54.863 Barr. 2154 01:34:54.906 --> 01:34:57.343 Ethan Barr. 2155 01:34:58.736 --> 01:35:02.479 Ooh! So, you're this week's comedian? 2156 01:35:02.522 --> 01:35:04.568 So, are you funny? 2157 01:35:05.612 --> 01:35:07.658 Can you tell me a joke? 2158 01:35:07.702 --> 01:35:09.704 I--I just love jokes. 2159 01:35:11.749 --> 01:35:13.795 Okay. Here's what I think you'll like. 2160 01:35:13.838 --> 01:35:17.973 What's the difference between a vagina and a cunt? 2161 01:35:18.016 --> 01:35:21.237 Until you bring it back and that's called the callback. 2162 01:35:21.280 --> 01:35:22.673 Now, remember what I said earlier 2163 01:35:22.717 --> 01:35:24.196 about the "rules of threes" 2164 01:35:24.240 --> 01:35:26.242 and also, the "K" Sound. 2165 01:35:26.285 --> 01:35:27.765 Ooh. 2166 01:35:27.809 --> 01:35:30.812 Look who we have here! 2167 01:35:30.855 --> 01:35:33.728 Please give it up, the great Keith Ray. 2168 01:35:34.729 --> 01:35:37.427 Yo, I'm the pimp with the limp, you're the shrimp with the limp. 2169 01:35:37.470 --> 01:35:39.211 Yeah, you know it, baby. 2170 01:35:39.255 --> 01:35:41.257 Look, what he said is correct. 2171 01:35:41.300 --> 01:35:44.260 Which is why when used correctly, 2172 01:35:44.303 --> 01:35:46.392 the "C-word" is always fun. 2173 01:35:48.481 --> 01:35:50.092 Dude, is this show and tell? 2174 01:35:50.135 --> 01:35:52.442 -What? -Um, okay. 2175 01:35:52.485 --> 01:35:55.097 So, in your humble opinion then, 2176 01:35:55.140 --> 01:35:56.925 like, what do you think 2177 01:35:56.968 --> 01:35:59.318 the best thing that a comedian can do, 2178 01:35:59.362 --> 01:36:02.626 like, while they're on stage or whatever and stuff? 2179 01:36:04.759 --> 01:36:06.935 -Is that a real question? -I don't know, Pete. 2180 01:36:06.978 --> 01:36:08.327 But you take a shot at it. 2181 01:36:08.371 --> 01:36:09.938 Oh, my God. 2182 01:36:15.726 --> 01:36:17.206 Two words. 2183 01:36:19.034 --> 01:36:20.600 Don't suck. 2184 01:36:20.644 --> 01:36:21.819 [singer] ♪ Let's do it♪ 2185 01:36:21.863 --> 01:36:24.866 [upbeat music playing] 2186 01:36:53.546 --> 01:36:54.939 [singer] ♪ Working all week♪ 2187 01:36:54.983 --> 01:36:57.202 ♪ 9:00 to 5:00 for my money♪ 2188 01:36:57.246 --> 01:36:58.725 ♪ So, when the weekend comes♪ 2189 01:36:58.769 --> 01:37:01.032 ♪ I go get live with the hunt♪ 2190 01:37:01.076 --> 01:37:02.860 ♪ Rollin' down the street♪ 2191 01:37:02.904 --> 01:37:04.775 ♪ I saw a girl When she was pumping♪ 2192 01:37:04.819 --> 01:37:06.690 ♪ I winked my eyes She got into the ride♪ 2193 01:37:06.733 --> 01:37:08.823 ♪ Went to a club And we're jumping♪ 2194 01:37:08.866 --> 01:37:12.174 ♪ Introduced myself, Hello she said you're a liar♪ 2195 01:37:12.217 --> 01:37:14.829 ♪ I said, I got it going on Baby doll♪ 2196 01:37:14.872 --> 01:37:16.439 ♪ And I'mma flyer♪ 2197 01:37:16.482 --> 01:37:18.006 ♪ Took her to the hotel♪ 2198 01:37:18.049 --> 01:37:20.095 ♪ She said, you're the king♪ 2199 01:37:20.138 --> 01:37:21.923 ♪ And so, be my queen If you know what I mean?♪ 2200 01:37:21.966 --> 01:37:24.708 ♪ Let's do the wild thing♪ 2201 01:37:26.971 --> 01:37:28.625 ♪ Wild thing♪