WEBVTT FILE 1 00:00:02.000 --> 00:00:07.000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:07.340 --> 00:00:10.635 [Baby Keem and Kendrick Lamar's "Family Ties"] 3 00:00:08.000 --> 00:00:13.000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 4 00:00:10.677 --> 00:00:17.183 * * 5 00:00:17.225 --> 00:00:20.812 - * Bitch, jump in that, ha, ha, jump in that fire * 6 00:00:20.854 --> 00:00:23.523 * Jump in that bitch, hitting that fire * 7 00:00:23.565 --> 00:00:24.983 * Jump in that whip * 8 00:00:25.025 --> 00:00:26.192 * Thumb in that bitch * 9 00:00:26.234 --> 00:00:27.694 * Come in that bitch, ho * 10 00:00:27.736 --> 00:00:30.530 * Drumming that, ha, ha, drumming that bitch * 11 00:00:30.572 --> 00:00:31.906 * Chopper doing circles * 12 00:00:31.948 --> 00:00:34.367 * It's a bird, bird * 13 00:00:34.409 --> 00:00:36.244 * Take him to the party * 14 00:00:36.286 --> 00:00:38.455 * He's a nerd, pop out * 15 00:00:38.496 --> 00:00:40.081 * I ain't seen niggas hit corners * 16 00:00:40.123 --> 00:00:41.708 * In the motherfucking burbs * 17 00:00:41.750 --> 00:00:43.084 * Pop out * 18 00:00:43.126 --> 00:00:44.377 * Done politicking with the competition * 19 00:00:44.419 --> 00:00:46.046 * What's the word, yeah * 20 00:00:46.087 --> 00:00:47.797 * Put that on my mama, nigga, eight in the process * 21 00:00:47.839 --> 00:00:50.050 * Nigga tryin' to tippy-toe through the progress * 22 00:00:50.091 --> 00:00:52.218 * Tongue-tied when the truth is an object * 23 00:00:52.260 --> 00:00:55.388 * What's the pros and the cons of this next check * 24 00:00:55.430 --> 00:00:57.557 * Wasn't nobody round, I was independent * 25 00:00:57.599 --> 00:00:59.392 * In the '90s, sitting bum with the windows tinted * 26 00:00:59.434 --> 00:01:02.103 * Jump in that, ha, ha, jump in that fire * 27 00:01:02.145 --> 00:01:04.939 * Jump in that bitch, hitting that fire * 28 00:01:04.981 --> 00:01:06.566 * Jump in that whip * 29 00:01:06.608 --> 00:01:07.525 * Thumb in that bitch * 30 00:01:07.567 --> 00:01:08.985 * Come in that bitch, ho * 31 00:01:09.027 --> 00:01:11.529 * Drumming that, ha, ha, drumming that bitch * 32 00:01:11.571 --> 00:01:13.156 * Chopper doing circles * 33 00:01:13.198 --> 00:01:15.200 * It's a bird, bird * 34 00:01:15.241 --> 00:01:18.661 [cheers and applause] 35 00:01:18.703 --> 00:01:21.247 * Pop out, I ain't seen niggas hit corners * 36 00:01:21.289 --> 00:01:22.957 * In the motherfucking burbs * 37 00:01:22.999 --> 00:01:24.459 * Pop out * 38 00:01:24.501 --> 00:01:25.585 * Done politicking with the competition * 39 00:01:25.627 --> 00:01:27.253 * What's the word, yeah * 40 00:01:27.295 --> 00:01:29.547 * Put that on my mama, nigga, eight in the process * 41 00:01:29.589 --> 00:01:33.551 [cheers and applause continue] 42 00:01:33.593 --> 00:01:35.679 - Aw, damn. 43 00:01:38.181 --> 00:01:40.642 Thank you. Thank you. 44 00:01:42.727 --> 00:01:45.397 Y'all see this fucking bat in my hand. 45 00:01:47.148 --> 00:01:48.358 Bring your ass up to the stage, 46 00:01:48.400 --> 00:01:49.693 I'ma knock your fucking head off. 47 00:01:49.734 --> 00:01:51.444 I swear to God. 48 00:01:51.486 --> 00:01:53.446 OK? We're sick of your shit. 49 00:01:53.488 --> 00:01:55.907 We're fighting back. Don't you come up here. 50 00:01:56.783 --> 00:01:59.285 Knock your goddamn head to the top of this arena. 51 00:01:59.327 --> 00:02:01.246 Don't you come up here. 52 00:02:03.665 --> 00:02:04.708 We're about to have a good time. 53 00:02:04.749 --> 00:02:06.960 I'm excited. I'm fucking excited. 54 00:02:07.002 --> 00:02:09.671 [cheers and applause] 55 00:02:11.047 --> 00:02:13.800 All right, listen. I'ma be up here for a while. 56 00:02:13.842 --> 00:02:16.302 I'ma talk about a lot of shit while I'm up here. 57 00:02:16.344 --> 00:02:18.430 Some of the shit I say tonight is gonna be mean. 58 00:02:18.471 --> 00:02:20.849 Let it happen. Unclench your ass. 59 00:02:20.890 --> 00:02:23.476 Have a good time. That's why you're here. 60 00:02:26.521 --> 00:02:28.940 I think I want to start off by talking about people. 61 00:02:28.982 --> 00:02:30.316 That's where I want to start, 62 00:02:30.358 --> 00:02:32.610 'cause I feel like people are going backwards. 63 00:02:32.652 --> 00:02:34.279 We're taking steps in the wrong direction. 64 00:02:34.320 --> 00:02:36.322 People don't want to be themselves anymore. 65 00:02:36.364 --> 00:02:38.992 People are goddamn losing fucking confidence. 66 00:02:39.034 --> 00:02:41.494 People are trying to change, shape, and mold 67 00:02:41.536 --> 00:02:43.496 into shit that doesn't even exist. 68 00:02:43.538 --> 00:02:45.206 I'm talking about plastic surgery. 69 00:02:45.248 --> 00:02:48.001 Let's get into it. I want to talk about it. 70 00:02:48.043 --> 00:02:50.003 I want to talk about it. 71 00:02:50.045 --> 00:02:52.422 What the fuck is going on, man? 72 00:02:52.464 --> 00:02:56.885 What the fuck is going on? 73 00:02:56.926 --> 00:02:59.679 Plastic surgery is at an all-time high. 74 00:02:59.721 --> 00:03:01.014 I don't even know if you know this, but back in the day, 75 00:03:01.056 --> 00:03:02.432 plastic surgery was a secret. 76 00:03:02.474 --> 00:03:03.558 Like, nobody wanted anybody to know that they 77 00:03:03.600 --> 00:03:04.809 were getting work done. 78 00:03:04.851 --> 00:03:07.354 It was all nose jobs and titty jobs. 79 00:03:07.395 --> 00:03:09.814 Nose, titties. Nose, titties. 80 00:03:09.856 --> 00:03:12.442 Nose, titties. That's all it was. 81 00:03:12.484 --> 00:03:14.569 Back in the day, people got mad at they doctor. 82 00:03:14.611 --> 00:03:16.738 You better not say shit about what happened here today. 83 00:03:17.989 --> 00:03:19.949 Only two people that we knew that got work done 84 00:03:19.991 --> 00:03:21.117 back in the day 85 00:03:21.159 --> 00:03:22.827 was Dolly Parton and Michael Jackson. 86 00:03:22.869 --> 00:03:24.079 That's a fucking fact. 87 00:03:24.120 --> 00:03:26.206 Those are the only two people. 88 00:03:26.247 --> 00:03:27.665 Mike showed up with that new nose. 89 00:03:27.707 --> 00:03:29.334 We knew. That's not your nose, Mike. 90 00:03:29.376 --> 00:03:31.920 Something happened. 91 00:03:31.961 --> 00:03:33.797 That's not the same nose. 92 00:03:35.256 --> 00:03:36.883 Today it's different. Everybody's getting work done. 93 00:03:36.925 --> 00:03:38.385 Men, women. 94 00:03:38.426 --> 00:03:39.761 Women have taken it to a new level, though. 95 00:03:39.803 --> 00:03:42.722 The new shit that the women are doing is the BBL. 96 00:03:42.764 --> 00:03:44.224 The BBL. 97 00:03:44.265 --> 00:03:46.434 What the fuck? 98 00:03:46.476 --> 00:03:48.645 Jesus Christ. 99 00:03:48.687 --> 00:03:50.730 These bitches look like ants. 100 00:03:50.772 --> 00:03:53.024 That's right. I said it. 101 00:03:53.066 --> 00:03:56.236 They look like ants. 102 00:03:56.277 --> 00:03:57.862 Somebody's gotta say it. 103 00:03:59.280 --> 00:04:02.409 Somebody's gotta say it. 104 00:04:02.450 --> 00:04:03.743 And if you don't believe me, I challenge you 105 00:04:03.785 --> 00:04:05.453 to go look at a picture of an ant 106 00:04:05.495 --> 00:04:06.955 and tell me I'm fucking lying. 107 00:04:08.581 --> 00:04:10.792 Big-ass head, little neck. 108 00:04:10.834 --> 00:04:13.420 Hard chest, skinny waist, fat ass. 109 00:04:13.461 --> 00:04:15.964 You ever see an ant ass? 110 00:04:16.006 --> 00:04:19.592 Ants got ass. You ever see an ant ass? 111 00:04:19.634 --> 00:04:21.177 If I was an insect, I'd fuck an ant. 112 00:04:21.219 --> 00:04:22.929 Swear to God, I'd do it. 113 00:04:24.597 --> 00:04:26.141 Everybody wants change. 114 00:04:26.182 --> 00:04:28.768 Everybody's looking for change. 115 00:04:28.810 --> 00:04:31.062 A friend of mine's got a huge forehead, right? 116 00:04:31.104 --> 00:04:33.231 One of the worst foreheads I've ever seen in my fucking life. 117 00:04:33.273 --> 00:04:34.607 Huge. 118 00:04:34.649 --> 00:04:36.026 He told me the other day, he said, "Kev, 119 00:04:36.067 --> 00:04:38.528 I'm thinking about getting my forehead reduced." 120 00:04:38.570 --> 00:04:39.946 This is what he said to me. 121 00:04:39.988 --> 00:04:41.531 I couldn't believe what the fuck I heard. 122 00:04:41.573 --> 00:04:43.033 I said, "What the fuck you just say to me?" 123 00:04:43.074 --> 00:04:45.702 He said, "I'm thinking about getting my forehand reduced. 124 00:04:45.744 --> 00:04:47.746 "I already talked to my doctor. He said he can do it. 125 00:04:47.787 --> 00:04:50.749 "The average forehead is 4 fingers wide. 126 00:04:50.790 --> 00:04:54.711 "He said I got an 8- to 12-finger situation going on. 127 00:04:54.753 --> 00:04:57.547 But he can flip it down. He said he can flip it down." 128 00:04:57.589 --> 00:05:00.467 Flip it down? 129 00:05:00.508 --> 00:05:01.634 Nigga, that's not a hat. 130 00:05:01.676 --> 00:05:03.511 What are you talking about? 131 00:05:03.553 --> 00:05:06.139 It's your fucking forehead, bitch. 132 00:05:06.181 --> 00:05:07.390 What about your brain? 133 00:05:07.432 --> 00:05:09.559 He said, "Oh, he can push that back. 134 00:05:09.601 --> 00:05:11.478 "He gonna push that back. 135 00:05:11.519 --> 00:05:13.563 Raise my eyes up so I can see better." 136 00:05:13.605 --> 00:05:15.357 I bet you fucking will. 137 00:05:16.733 --> 00:05:19.486 Everybody wants change. 138 00:05:19.527 --> 00:05:22.280 LeBron James, real good friend of mine. 139 00:05:22.322 --> 00:05:23.615 Well, he was. 140 00:05:23.656 --> 00:05:25.116 He hasn't heard this joke yet. 141 00:05:25.158 --> 00:05:26.451 We'll see what happens. 142 00:05:27.786 --> 00:05:30.121 We'll see what happens. 143 00:05:30.163 --> 00:05:32.082 I remember in the beginning of LeBron career, 144 00:05:32.123 --> 00:05:33.416 he was going bald. 145 00:05:33.458 --> 00:05:35.293 His hair was real thin up top. 146 00:05:35.335 --> 00:05:39.422 You could count the hairs on top of his fucking head. 147 00:05:39.464 --> 00:05:40.674 You know how I know that? 148 00:05:40.715 --> 00:05:42.717 Because I was the one counting the hairs 149 00:05:42.759 --> 00:05:45.428 on top of his fucking head. 150 00:05:45.470 --> 00:05:47.097 One. 151 00:05:59.067 --> 00:06:01.736 Two-ish-ish. 152 00:06:03.780 --> 00:06:05.407 I didn't see Bron for, like, three weeks. 153 00:06:05.448 --> 00:06:07.450 I didn't see him, and I didn't talk to him. 154 00:06:07.492 --> 00:06:09.411 Bron showed up at a wedding I was at. 155 00:06:09.452 --> 00:06:11.621 He had a head full of hair. 156 00:06:11.663 --> 00:06:13.623 Walked in that bitch with all this confidence 157 00:06:13.665 --> 00:06:15.041 like I didn't see him three weeks ago 158 00:06:15.083 --> 00:06:17.419 with the fucking truth on his goddamn head. 159 00:06:18.461 --> 00:06:20.338 He walked in, he was like, "What up? What up? What up? 160 00:06:20.380 --> 00:06:22.173 "What up? What up? What up? What up? 161 00:06:22.215 --> 00:06:24.175 What up? What's going on?" 162 00:06:24.217 --> 00:06:28.096 I said, "What the fuck is going on with you? 163 00:06:28.138 --> 00:06:30.515 The fuck is that on your goddamn head?" 164 00:06:30.557 --> 00:06:32.142 People start kicking me. "Chill, Kev. Chill." 165 00:06:32.183 --> 00:06:34.477 I said, "Get your fucking feet off of me. 166 00:06:34.519 --> 00:06:35.937 "Ain't no chill. 167 00:06:35.979 --> 00:06:38.189 I want to know what the fuck that is on Bron head." 168 00:06:38.982 --> 00:06:41.317 I'll tell you what it's not. I knew what it wasn't. 169 00:06:41.359 --> 00:06:42.986 I knew it wasn't a goddamn toupee. 170 00:06:43.028 --> 00:06:44.154 I knew that much. 171 00:06:44.195 --> 00:06:46.031 You know how I knew it wasn't a toupee? 172 00:06:46.072 --> 00:06:48.450 Because they don't make nigga toupees. 173 00:06:48.491 --> 00:06:50.076 They never have. 174 00:06:50.994 --> 00:06:53.455 They never have. 175 00:06:53.496 --> 00:06:55.707 The fuck is that on your head, LeBron? 176 00:06:55.749 --> 00:06:58.126 Is it alive? Is it alive? 177 00:07:00.086 --> 00:07:02.130 Snatch it off right now. 178 00:07:03.423 --> 00:07:05.550 I wanted to. 179 00:07:05.592 --> 00:07:07.594 He's tall. I can't get-- no way I'm getting that, 180 00:07:07.635 --> 00:07:09.596 but you get what I'm saying. 181 00:07:11.014 --> 00:07:13.641 Everybody's looking for change. 182 00:07:13.683 --> 00:07:14.851 I got an email from a guy 183 00:07:14.893 --> 00:07:16.227 I went to high school with, right? 184 00:07:16.269 --> 00:07:17.520 Email said, "Kev, it's time for you to get yours." 185 00:07:17.562 --> 00:07:18.772 I open up the email. 186 00:07:18.813 --> 00:07:20.565 It's two pictures in the email. 187 00:07:20.607 --> 00:07:23.443 One picture was a real little man standing next to a doctor. 188 00:07:23.485 --> 00:07:24.903 He was angry. 189 00:07:26.613 --> 00:07:28.323 Next picture, that same little man 190 00:07:28.365 --> 00:07:29.574 was taller than the doctor. 191 00:07:29.616 --> 00:07:32.869 He was giving a thumbs-up. 192 00:07:32.911 --> 00:07:34.287 Bottom of the email said, "Kev, it's time for you 193 00:07:34.329 --> 00:07:36.247 to get yours." 194 00:07:36.289 --> 00:07:38.958 I'm confused. What the fuck is going on? 195 00:07:39.000 --> 00:07:40.210 I call him. "Yo, I got your email. 196 00:07:40.251 --> 00:07:41.378 "What the fuck are you talking about? 197 00:07:41.419 --> 00:07:42.671 What are you trying to say?" 198 00:07:42.712 --> 00:07:43.880 Said, "What do you mean, what am I trying to say?" 199 00:07:43.922 --> 00:07:44.839 Said, "Exactly what I said. What is this? 200 00:07:44.881 --> 00:07:45.965 What are you trying to say?" 201 00:07:46.007 --> 00:07:47.050 He said, "They're giving out height. 202 00:07:47.092 --> 00:07:48.843 Go get you some." 203 00:07:50.011 --> 00:07:51.304 "The fuck you mean, they giving out height?" 204 00:07:51.346 --> 00:07:53.306 "Exactly what I said. They're giving out height. 205 00:07:53.348 --> 00:07:55.642 "They're taking the fat out of people backs, 206 00:07:55.684 --> 00:07:58.186 putting it in their knees." 207 00:08:04.693 --> 00:08:06.820 "They taking the fat out of people backs, 208 00:08:06.861 --> 00:08:08.905 putting it in their knees." 209 00:08:08.947 --> 00:08:10.657 He said, "Go get rid of your back fat. 210 00:08:10.699 --> 00:08:13.451 Get yourself some inches." 211 00:08:13.493 --> 00:08:16.329 I said, "I will do no such thing." 212 00:08:16.371 --> 00:08:18.665 Get rid of my goddamn back fat. 213 00:08:18.707 --> 00:08:20.959 43 years old. 214 00:08:21.001 --> 00:08:23.169 I've been 5'5" my whole life-- 215 00:08:23.211 --> 00:08:27.007 5'4"--5'2 1/2" my whole fucking life. 216 00:08:29.592 --> 00:08:32.178 Don't have to do no shit like that. 217 00:08:32.220 --> 00:08:34.889 You gotta remember, I ain't been on tour, like, four years. 218 00:08:34.931 --> 00:08:37.809 I can't just walk out this bitch 6'6" 219 00:08:37.851 --> 00:08:40.311 and not say shit about it. 220 00:08:40.353 --> 00:08:42.439 I just walk out. What up? What up? What up? 221 00:08:42.480 --> 00:08:43.606 What up? What up? What up? What up? 222 00:08:43.648 --> 00:08:45.358 What up? What up? 223 00:08:45.400 --> 00:08:47.610 What's going on? 224 00:08:47.652 --> 00:08:50.447 What the fuck is going on with you? 225 00:08:50.488 --> 00:08:51.698 Look at his goddamn knees. 226 00:08:51.740 --> 00:08:54.117 What he do to his knees? 227 00:08:54.159 --> 00:08:55.827 Why he got all them holes in his back? 228 00:08:55.869 --> 00:08:57.912 What the fuck he do to his back? 229 00:09:00.915 --> 00:09:02.208 You know what I want? 230 00:09:02.250 --> 00:09:04.502 I want people to start thinking shit through. 231 00:09:04.544 --> 00:09:07.213 I want to get back to the times when people had patience. 232 00:09:07.255 --> 00:09:09.674 You gotta slow down, start thinking shit through. 233 00:09:09.716 --> 00:09:11.176 Stop acting on impulse. 234 00:09:11.217 --> 00:09:12.802 Let's say I go get the procedure. 235 00:09:12.844 --> 00:09:16.014 I come out of it with these new knees and these long-ass legs. 236 00:09:16.056 --> 00:09:17.265 I'm 6'6". 237 00:09:17.307 --> 00:09:20.727 Look at my fucking knees and these long-ass legs. 238 00:09:20.769 --> 00:09:22.103 But I still got the same arms. 239 00:09:22.145 --> 00:09:26.066 I didn't do shit to my fucking arms. 240 00:09:27.609 --> 00:09:28.902 I didn't judge it right. 241 00:09:28.943 --> 00:09:30.278 Now I can't put my hands in my pocket 242 00:09:30.320 --> 00:09:32.155 'cause I done fucked up. 243 00:09:33.323 --> 00:09:35.408 I'm out this bitch looking like a T. rex, 244 00:09:35.450 --> 00:09:37.660 touching my chest all the time. 245 00:09:39.537 --> 00:09:40.747 Why Kev always rubbing his chest? 246 00:09:40.789 --> 00:09:42.248 Bitch, 'cause I misjudged it. 247 00:09:42.290 --> 00:09:44.334 I can't get my hands in my pockets. 248 00:09:45.877 --> 00:09:47.212 You gotta think shit through. 249 00:09:47.253 --> 00:09:48.880 Let's say I go get the procedure. 250 00:09:48.922 --> 00:09:51.800 I got these goddamn new knees, long-ass legs. 251 00:09:51.841 --> 00:09:53.760 My fucking frame, look at my chest and my shoulders. 252 00:09:53.802 --> 00:09:57.347 I'm 6'6", but I still wear a size 7 sneaker. 253 00:09:57.389 --> 00:09:59.933 I didn't do shit to my feet. 254 00:09:59.974 --> 00:10:01.768 Now I can't support the new body. 255 00:10:01.810 --> 00:10:04.020 My balance is off. 256 00:10:04.062 --> 00:10:06.523 I look like that thing that be at the car dealerships, 257 00:10:06.564 --> 00:10:09.484 that man--that air man. 258 00:10:09.526 --> 00:10:11.820 Look at me. 259 00:10:11.861 --> 00:10:14.948 You gotta think shit through. 260 00:10:14.989 --> 00:10:17.075 Stop acting on impulse. 261 00:10:18.910 --> 00:10:20.912 We're in a crazy time right now. 262 00:10:20.954 --> 00:10:23.581 We're in a real crazy time. By the way, rightfully so. 263 00:10:23.623 --> 00:10:24.833 We've been through a lot. 264 00:10:24.874 --> 00:10:26.292 Pandemic hit us hard. 265 00:10:26.334 --> 00:10:28.086 Pandemic sat us all down with nothing to do, 266 00:10:28.128 --> 00:10:29.921 gave us nothing but time to think. 267 00:10:29.963 --> 00:10:31.131 That's when people get weird, 268 00:10:31.172 --> 00:10:33.133 when they fucking think all goddamn day. 269 00:10:33.174 --> 00:10:35.593 Just thinking about shit with nothing to do. 270 00:10:35.635 --> 00:10:38.304 That's why a lot of weird shit happened after the pandemic. 271 00:10:38.346 --> 00:10:39.764 I'ma tell you the weirdest invention 272 00:10:39.806 --> 00:10:41.433 in my opinion that came out of the pandemic, 273 00:10:41.474 --> 00:10:42.600 this Metaverse shit. 274 00:10:42.642 --> 00:10:43.977 I don't even know if you know what it is. 275 00:10:44.019 --> 00:10:45.395 For those who do not know what the Metaverse is, 276 00:10:45.437 --> 00:10:47.147 I'll do my best to explain it to you. 277 00:10:47.188 --> 00:10:49.983 The Metaverse was created for people that don't want 278 00:10:50.025 --> 00:10:52.360 to be here in the real world. 279 00:10:52.402 --> 00:10:54.237 So they can go there and do shit there 280 00:10:54.279 --> 00:10:55.905 with the people that don't like them here 281 00:10:55.947 --> 00:10:57.866 but they don't know that they are who they are there. 282 00:10:57.907 --> 00:10:59.659 That's what the fuck it is, right? 283 00:10:59.701 --> 00:11:01.036 It's some weird shit. 284 00:11:01.077 --> 00:11:03.413 It's a lot of weird shit happening in the Metaverse. 285 00:11:03.455 --> 00:11:05.040 There was a story about a woman who says she got 286 00:11:05.081 --> 00:11:07.500 sexually assaulted in the Metaverse. 287 00:11:07.542 --> 00:11:09.002 This is real shit. You can Google this. 288 00:11:09.044 --> 00:11:11.212 This is Googleable information. 289 00:11:11.254 --> 00:11:12.756 Says she got sexually assaulted. 290 00:11:12.797 --> 00:11:13.965 They gave it time and energy. 291 00:11:14.007 --> 00:11:15.133 They interviewed her. 292 00:11:15.175 --> 00:11:17.010 "Are you OK? How do you feel?" 293 00:11:17.052 --> 00:11:19.346 That's what they said. "How do you feel?" 294 00:11:19.387 --> 00:11:21.097 Nobody said, 295 00:11:21.139 --> 00:11:24.768 "Bitch, why didn't you close the laptop, huh? 296 00:11:24.809 --> 00:11:26.186 "Huh? 297 00:11:26.227 --> 00:11:28.063 "Why didn't you take the headset off? 298 00:11:28.104 --> 00:11:30.482 You just sitting there letting it happen." 299 00:11:30.523 --> 00:11:33.735 [yelling] 300 00:11:37.447 --> 00:11:39.949 "Make it stop." 301 00:11:39.991 --> 00:11:42.827 Bitch, take the goddamn headset off. 302 00:11:44.371 --> 00:11:47.874 Close the laptop, with your stupid ass. 303 00:11:47.916 --> 00:11:49.918 Sitting there taking a virtual assaulting, 304 00:11:49.959 --> 00:11:51.920 with your stupid as. 305 00:11:53.213 --> 00:11:54.381 You know what I want to do? 306 00:11:54.422 --> 00:11:55.882 I want to get back to the times when you can 307 00:11:55.924 --> 00:11:57.425 tell people, shut the fuck up. 308 00:11:57.467 --> 00:11:58.718 Sit your dumb ass down. 309 00:11:58.760 --> 00:11:59.928 I want to go back there. 310 00:11:59.969 --> 00:12:02.806 Yeah. Yeah. 311 00:12:02.847 --> 00:12:04.557 I want to go back to those times. 312 00:12:04.599 --> 00:12:05.600 Shut the fuck up. 313 00:12:05.642 --> 00:12:08.561 Sit your dumb ass down. 314 00:12:08.603 --> 00:12:11.272 We're giving too much too much attention. 315 00:12:11.314 --> 00:12:13.983 We're entertaining the crazy way too much. 316 00:12:14.025 --> 00:12:15.193 Let me tell you something, people. 317 00:12:15.235 --> 00:12:17.696 The crazy are only going to get crazier. 318 00:12:17.737 --> 00:12:18.905 That's not fiction. 319 00:12:18.947 --> 00:12:20.448 That's a fact. It's a fact. 320 00:12:20.490 --> 00:12:22.951 You gotta stop entertaining the shit. 321 00:12:22.992 --> 00:12:25.161 I don't entertain it personally, right? 322 00:12:25.203 --> 00:12:26.454 I don't. I really don't, man. 323 00:12:26.496 --> 00:12:27.956 Like, I'ma tell you what. 324 00:12:27.997 --> 00:12:30.458 I feel like I live in the crazy. 325 00:12:30.500 --> 00:12:32.377 I'm in the fucking crazy. 326 00:12:32.419 --> 00:12:34.087 I do. I really do feel like that. 327 00:12:34.129 --> 00:12:36.089 Like, there's times where I actually, 328 00:12:36.131 --> 00:12:38.383 like, want to know if I'm crazy 329 00:12:38.425 --> 00:12:42.137 or why I'm not as crazy as I feel like I should be. 330 00:12:42.178 --> 00:12:43.263 'Cause I've been through a lot of shit. 331 00:12:43.304 --> 00:12:46.141 On paper, I should be fucking crazy. 332 00:12:46.182 --> 00:12:47.559 On paper, all the shit I've been through? 333 00:12:47.600 --> 00:12:49.519 I should be fucking crazy. And who knows? 334 00:12:49.561 --> 00:12:50.687 Maybe it's coming. 335 00:12:50.729 --> 00:12:53.106 Maybe I got crazy waiting on me. 336 00:12:53.148 --> 00:12:54.274 'Cause you don't expect it. 337 00:12:54.315 --> 00:12:56.776 Nobody plans to be crazy. It just happens. 338 00:12:56.818 --> 00:12:58.945 Crazy just sneaks up on you. 339 00:12:58.987 --> 00:13:00.697 Look at Will Smith. He didn't plan that. 340 00:13:00.739 --> 00:13:02.323 That just happened. 341 00:13:03.283 --> 00:13:05.410 What? He didn't plan that. 342 00:13:05.452 --> 00:13:07.454 It just fucking happened. 343 00:13:07.495 --> 00:13:09.914 "Keep my wife's name out your motherfucking mouth." 344 00:13:09.956 --> 00:13:11.958 Come on, man. 345 00:13:12.000 --> 00:13:13.835 He didn't fucking plan that. 346 00:13:15.170 --> 00:13:20.633 "Keep my wife's name out your motherfucking mouth." 347 00:13:20.675 --> 00:13:23.053 He jumped out his goddamn body. 348 00:13:25.597 --> 00:13:27.223 You have any idea how crazy you gotta be to make 349 00:13:27.265 --> 00:13:28.850 Samuel L. Jackson jump back? 350 00:13:28.892 --> 00:13:31.019 Do you have any idea? 351 00:13:32.103 --> 00:13:33.313 "Keep my wife's name"-- 352 00:13:33.355 --> 00:13:34.356 "Say, what the fuck happening, Jack? 353 00:13:34.397 --> 00:13:36.524 Goddamn." 354 00:13:38.818 --> 00:13:39.986 I'm next. 355 00:13:40.028 --> 00:13:43.156 I know it. I feel like I'm next. 356 00:13:43.198 --> 00:13:44.407 It's a lot of shit going on, man. 357 00:13:44.449 --> 00:13:46.368 I'm fucking stressed the fuck out. 358 00:13:46.409 --> 00:13:47.410 I'm about to pop. 359 00:13:47.452 --> 00:13:49.454 I'm telling y'all ahead of time. 360 00:13:49.496 --> 00:13:50.997 Y'all gonna see me at a gas station 361 00:13:51.039 --> 00:13:52.165 with my dick in the tank soon. 362 00:13:52.207 --> 00:13:53.458 Something stupid gonna happen. 363 00:13:54.876 --> 00:13:55.835 "Kev, what you doing?" 364 00:13:55.877 --> 00:13:56.878 "Getting gas. 365 00:13:56.920 --> 00:13:58.672 Mind your fucking business, bitch." 366 00:13:58.713 --> 00:14:03.051 "Keep my wife's name out your motherfucking mouth." 367 00:14:03.093 --> 00:14:04.469 It's coming. 368 00:14:07.180 --> 00:14:08.306 You know the crazy thing? 369 00:14:08.348 --> 00:14:10.183 I've realized that I live in the crazy. 370 00:14:10.225 --> 00:14:11.643 Like, I live in Los Angeles. 371 00:14:11.685 --> 00:14:13.645 I feel like Los Angeles is the craziest place ever. 372 00:14:13.687 --> 00:14:15.689 I call Los Angeles the land of the lost, 373 00:14:15.730 --> 00:14:16.856 and here's the thing. 374 00:14:16.898 --> 00:14:18.191 It's not the people from Los Angeles. 375 00:14:18.233 --> 00:14:19.567 They're fine. It's not them. 376 00:14:19.609 --> 00:14:20.902 It's the people that move out there, 377 00:14:20.944 --> 00:14:23.363 the people with dreams, goals, ambitions. 378 00:14:23.405 --> 00:14:24.823 'Cause they want all this shit to happen. 379 00:14:24.864 --> 00:14:26.616 They move out there, and then it doesn't happen, 380 00:14:26.658 --> 00:14:28.952 and they go, welp, it's time to be nuts. 381 00:14:28.993 --> 00:14:31.079 They fucking lose it. 382 00:14:31.121 --> 00:14:34.040 They lose it. 383 00:14:34.082 --> 00:14:35.375 You gotta watch the news in Los Angeles. 384 00:14:35.417 --> 00:14:37.085 I've never seen anything like it. 385 00:14:37.127 --> 00:14:38.545 There was a story on the news about a guy 386 00:14:38.586 --> 00:14:39.879 who was going to Denny's, 387 00:14:39.921 --> 00:14:43.133 putting his dick in people breakfast at 7:00 a.m. 388 00:14:43.174 --> 00:14:45.844 7:00 a.m., slamming his dick in people grits. 389 00:14:45.885 --> 00:14:49.097 [grunting] 390 00:14:50.724 --> 00:14:51.725 They call him the dick slammer. 391 00:14:51.766 --> 00:14:54.436 This is true shit. 392 00:14:54.477 --> 00:14:56.896 Fucking up Grand Slams nationwide. 393 00:14:56.938 --> 00:14:59.649 [grunting] 394 00:14:59.691 --> 00:15:01.568 They reported it live from Denny's. 395 00:15:01.609 --> 00:15:05.739 There was a news anchor live in front of Denny's. 396 00:15:05.780 --> 00:15:07.407 He said, "Welp, he did it again." 397 00:15:07.449 --> 00:15:09.993 What? 398 00:15:10.035 --> 00:15:11.161 "You're at Denny's, watch your back, 399 00:15:11.202 --> 00:15:12.287 and watch your breakfast." 400 00:15:12.328 --> 00:15:14.122 What? 401 00:15:14.164 --> 00:15:15.957 Telling me I can't eat breakfast without looking 402 00:15:15.999 --> 00:15:17.625 over my shoulder for stray dick? 403 00:15:17.667 --> 00:15:19.669 Are you kidding me? 404 00:15:19.711 --> 00:15:22.380 It's too much crazy. 405 00:15:22.422 --> 00:15:25.300 The reason why I feel like honestly I could be 406 00:15:25.342 --> 00:15:27.552 or, like, I have the potential to be crazy, 407 00:15:27.594 --> 00:15:28.720 'cause I'm around it. 408 00:15:28.762 --> 00:15:30.764 Crazy friends, crazy family. 409 00:15:30.805 --> 00:15:32.057 My brother just got crazy. 410 00:15:32.098 --> 00:15:33.641 It just happened. 411 00:15:33.683 --> 00:15:34.684 He turned 50. 412 00:15:34.726 --> 00:15:35.935 The next day, the nigga got weird. 413 00:15:35.977 --> 00:15:37.937 He got fucking weird. 414 00:15:37.979 --> 00:15:39.773 Called me with some weird shit. 415 00:15:39.814 --> 00:15:41.441 He's like, "Kev, I'm thinking about getting a dog. 416 00:15:41.483 --> 00:15:42.359 I'm lonely." 417 00:15:42.400 --> 00:15:43.360 I said, "You should get a dog. 418 00:15:43.401 --> 00:15:44.903 A dog would be good for you." 419 00:15:44.944 --> 00:15:46.196 He's like, "Yeah, but I don't know if I'd be a good owner. 420 00:15:46.237 --> 00:15:47.322 "You know what I'ma do? 421 00:15:47.364 --> 00:15:48.698 "I'ma act like a dog for two weeks, 422 00:15:48.740 --> 00:15:50.325 see how that go." 423 00:15:55.789 --> 00:15:58.333 You ever hear somebody you love say some crazy shit to you 424 00:15:58.375 --> 00:16:00.251 and you don't say nothing back 'cause you hope they say, 425 00:16:00.293 --> 00:16:02.629 "I'm just fucking with you," and they never do? 426 00:16:03.963 --> 00:16:05.507 I didn't know what to say. I just got off the phone. 427 00:16:05.548 --> 00:16:07.550 I was like, "All right. Well, let me let you go, man. 428 00:16:07.592 --> 00:16:08.760 Hit me when you figure it out." 429 00:16:08.802 --> 00:16:11.304 I just got off the phone. 430 00:16:11.346 --> 00:16:13.598 He called me a week later, 6:00 in the morning. 431 00:16:13.640 --> 00:16:14.641 "Kev, you up?" 432 00:16:14.683 --> 00:16:16.559 I said, "I am now. What's going on?" 433 00:16:16.601 --> 00:16:20.146 He said, "Ain't shit. I'm out here walking this dog." 434 00:16:20.188 --> 00:16:21.189 I said, "You got the dog?" 435 00:16:21.231 --> 00:16:22.190 He said, "No, but if I had it, 436 00:16:22.232 --> 00:16:23.316 "this when I'd be walking it. 437 00:16:23.358 --> 00:16:24.943 I'm just trying to see how it feel." 438 00:16:24.984 --> 00:16:27.404 He said, "I'm mad 'cause he won't go to the bathroom." 439 00:16:27.445 --> 00:16:30.407 What the fuck is going on? 440 00:16:30.448 --> 00:16:31.658 Now I'm worried, but it's my brother, 441 00:16:31.700 --> 00:16:34.077 so I don't want to fuck with him too much. 442 00:16:34.119 --> 00:16:35.787 So I participate. This is what fucked me up. 443 00:16:35.829 --> 00:16:39.165 I go--I said, "Are you walking him on grass?" 444 00:16:39.207 --> 00:16:42.085 This is what fucked me up. 445 00:16:42.127 --> 00:16:44.129 I said, "Are you walking him on grass?" 446 00:16:44.170 --> 00:16:46.047 My brother said, "Ah, that's what it is. 447 00:16:46.089 --> 00:16:47.048 I'll call you back." 448 00:16:47.090 --> 00:16:48.299 Oh! 449 00:16:49.426 --> 00:16:51.344 Oh! 450 00:16:51.386 --> 00:16:53.763 He's a fucking psychopath! 451 00:16:53.805 --> 00:16:56.057 It's Jeffrey Dahmer all over again. 452 00:16:56.099 --> 00:16:59.227 The lights are on. Nobody's home. 453 00:17:02.230 --> 00:17:03.523 A week later, he called me and said, "Kev, 454 00:17:03.565 --> 00:17:05.650 it's not gonna work. I'm not getting a dog." 455 00:17:05.692 --> 00:17:07.235 I said, "Why not?" He said, "'Cause he got loose. 456 00:17:07.277 --> 00:17:08.570 He ran away." 457 00:17:10.321 --> 00:17:11.406 Do you know how crazy you gotta be 458 00:17:11.448 --> 00:17:12.866 to lose an imaginary dog? 459 00:17:12.907 --> 00:17:16.202 Do you have any idea how fucking crazy you gotta be? 460 00:17:16.244 --> 00:17:17.704 I said, "Just act like he came back. 461 00:17:17.746 --> 00:17:20.373 Pretend like the dog came back." 462 00:17:20.415 --> 00:17:22.709 He said, "It's not that easy, Kevin. 463 00:17:22.751 --> 00:17:26.379 "Plus, I just put the signs up around the neighborhood 464 00:17:26.421 --> 00:17:27.881 trying to see if I get a call." 465 00:17:27.922 --> 00:17:29.424 Oh! 466 00:17:29.466 --> 00:17:31.134 He's a fucking psychopath! 467 00:17:35.263 --> 00:17:37.474 My dad is crazy. 468 00:17:37.515 --> 00:17:39.184 For those who do not know, I just lost my dad, 469 00:17:39.225 --> 00:17:40.143 like, a week and a half ago. 470 00:17:40.185 --> 00:17:41.227 My dad just passed away. 471 00:17:41.269 --> 00:17:43.271 Not a sad moment. Don't do that. 472 00:17:43.313 --> 00:17:44.564 We're not gonna make it a sad moment. 473 00:17:44.606 --> 00:17:46.274 This is a celebration. Here's why. 474 00:17:46.316 --> 00:17:47.734 Because of what I do for a living, 475 00:17:47.776 --> 00:17:49.861 I get to fucking let the legend of my dad live on. 476 00:17:49.903 --> 00:17:51.654 So we talk about my dad. 477 00:17:51.696 --> 00:17:53.114 We celebrate my dad. 478 00:17:53.156 --> 00:17:54.657 OK? 479 00:17:54.699 --> 00:17:56.659 It's a celebration. 480 00:17:56.701 --> 00:17:58.119 For those who have followed my comedy, 481 00:17:58.161 --> 00:17:59.829 you know I've talked about my dad throughout my career. 482 00:17:59.871 --> 00:18:01.039 Everything I said is true. 483 00:18:01.081 --> 00:18:03.208 It's all true, all the sayings. 484 00:18:03.249 --> 00:18:04.250 All right, all right, all right. 485 00:18:04.292 --> 00:18:05.210 You gonna learn today. Long dick. 486 00:18:05.251 --> 00:18:06.169 Say it with your chest. 487 00:18:06.211 --> 00:18:07.879 It's all fucking true. 488 00:18:09.381 --> 00:18:11.591 My dad passed away from COPD, right? 489 00:18:11.633 --> 00:18:13.259 For those who do not know what COPD is, 490 00:18:13.301 --> 00:18:14.844 it's like an elevated version of asthma. 491 00:18:14.886 --> 00:18:16.388 My dad was on oxygen. He had the tube 492 00:18:16.429 --> 00:18:18.932 hooked up to his nose, oxygen tank in the corner. 493 00:18:18.973 --> 00:18:21.101 You go over his house, this is all you saw. 494 00:18:21.142 --> 00:18:23.728 Just a bunch of fucking tube. 495 00:18:23.770 --> 00:18:25.188 He was an old man that couldn't breathe 496 00:18:25.230 --> 00:18:26.398 that talked shit all day. 497 00:18:26.439 --> 00:18:28.441 That's all he did. 498 00:18:28.483 --> 00:18:30.694 Told the bitch don't come over here. 499 00:18:33.154 --> 00:18:34.614 My dad thought everybody had COVID. 500 00:18:34.656 --> 00:18:37.075 Don't let that bitch in here with COVID. 501 00:18:37.117 --> 00:18:38.660 It's all on the hands. 502 00:18:38.702 --> 00:18:39.744 Look at the hands. 503 00:18:41.496 --> 00:18:42.455 Funny thing about my dad is that he 504 00:18:42.497 --> 00:18:43.623 still thought he was tough. 505 00:18:43.665 --> 00:18:44.916 My friends would fuck with him just 506 00:18:44.958 --> 00:18:46.376 to get a reaction out of him. 507 00:18:46.418 --> 00:18:47.794 My friend Wayne said, "Spoon, I'll come over there 508 00:18:47.836 --> 00:18:49.713 and whup your ass, knock that oxygen tank over." 509 00:18:49.754 --> 00:18:50.755 My dad got mad. 510 00:18:50.797 --> 00:18:52.132 He said, "Bitch, say something else. 511 00:18:52.173 --> 00:18:54.843 I'll turn this tank up 20%, give myself a boost." 512 00:18:56.720 --> 00:18:58.179 He started fucking with the tank. 513 00:18:58.221 --> 00:19:01.641 [mimicking air hissing] 514 00:19:01.683 --> 00:19:03.309 20 seconds. Start the clock right now. 515 00:19:03.351 --> 00:19:05.186 I'll fuck your ass up. 516 00:19:07.522 --> 00:19:08.940 He's a character. 517 00:19:08.982 --> 00:19:11.026 The thing about my dad is, because he couldn't breathe, 518 00:19:11.067 --> 00:19:12.235 there was a rule. 519 00:19:12.277 --> 00:19:13.987 The rule was, no surprising my dad. 520 00:19:14.029 --> 00:19:15.155 No surprising him. 521 00:19:15.196 --> 00:19:16.656 He couldn't take it. It's too much. 522 00:19:16.698 --> 00:19:18.366 [gasping] 523 00:19:18.408 --> 00:19:20.285 He couldn't take. 524 00:19:20.326 --> 00:19:23.288 [grunting] 525 00:19:23.329 --> 00:19:24.998 He couldn't take it. 526 00:19:25.832 --> 00:19:28.877 I saw him almost die one time, one time. 527 00:19:28.918 --> 00:19:30.128 We was in the kitchen. 528 00:19:30.170 --> 00:19:31.296 The tube got caught under the stove. 529 00:19:31.338 --> 00:19:32.964 I didn't see it. 530 00:19:33.006 --> 00:19:34.632 I thought he had the hiccups. 531 00:19:37.052 --> 00:19:38.970 I did. 532 00:19:39.012 --> 00:19:40.305 [gasping] 533 00:19:40.347 --> 00:19:41.890 That's what he did. 534 00:19:41.931 --> 00:19:43.850 [gasping] 535 00:19:43.892 --> 00:19:46.019 Fuck wrong with you? 536 00:19:46.061 --> 00:19:48.188 You want some water? 537 00:19:48.229 --> 00:19:51.691 For a second, for a quick second, 538 00:19:51.733 --> 00:19:53.151 I thought my brother dog was in there. 539 00:19:53.193 --> 00:19:54.527 For a quick second. 540 00:19:56.363 --> 00:19:57.614 I said, that dog came here. 541 00:19:57.655 --> 00:20:00.450 I think that dog is in here. 542 00:20:00.492 --> 00:20:01.868 Then I realized he couldn't breathe. 543 00:20:01.910 --> 00:20:03.203 I said, "Oh, shit, Dad, you can't breathe. 544 00:20:03.244 --> 00:20:04.371 I got you." 545 00:20:04.412 --> 00:20:05.705 I started chasing the tube. 546 00:20:05.747 --> 00:20:07.749 I found a little kink in the tube this big. 547 00:20:07.791 --> 00:20:08.875 I straightened it out. [grunts] 548 00:20:08.917 --> 00:20:10.460 I got you, Dad. 549 00:20:10.502 --> 00:20:12.045 You would've thought somebody shot my dad in the ass 550 00:20:12.087 --> 00:20:13.380 with adrenaline. 551 00:20:13.421 --> 00:20:14.381 I've never seen anybody take a deeper breath 552 00:20:14.422 --> 00:20:15.715 in my fucking life. 553 00:20:15.757 --> 00:20:19.552 [inhales deeply] 554 00:20:19.594 --> 00:20:23.098 He said, "You see what the devil tried to do to me?" 555 00:20:23.139 --> 00:20:25.809 Ain't no goddamn devil. It's too much tube. 556 00:20:28.728 --> 00:20:29.854 I'll talk a lot of shit about my dad, 557 00:20:29.896 --> 00:20:31.523 but it come from a place of love. 558 00:20:31.564 --> 00:20:33.149 My dad had good qualities too. 559 00:20:33.191 --> 00:20:34.984 My dad is by far one of the best 560 00:20:35.026 --> 00:20:36.403 nickname givers on the planet. 561 00:20:36.444 --> 00:20:37.904 When it comes to giving out nicknames, 562 00:20:37.946 --> 00:20:38.863 there's nobody better. 563 00:20:38.905 --> 00:20:40.240 Every nickname that he has given 564 00:20:40.281 --> 00:20:41.616 has lasted a lifetime. 565 00:20:41.658 --> 00:20:43.243 Keep in mind, everybody wants a nickname. 566 00:20:43.284 --> 00:20:45.704 You just don't have the right people giving them to you. 567 00:20:45.745 --> 00:20:48.039 Everyone has fucking landed. 568 00:20:48.081 --> 00:20:49.249 Here's a secret. 569 00:20:49.290 --> 00:20:50.500 The secret to giving out good nicknames 570 00:20:50.542 --> 00:20:51.668 is that they gotta come from a mean place. 571 00:20:51.710 --> 00:20:53.753 Good nicknames are mean-spirited. 572 00:20:55.505 --> 00:20:57.549 I got an uncle. My uncle had a stroke. 573 00:20:57.590 --> 00:20:58.758 His whole left side is shut down. 574 00:20:58.800 --> 00:21:01.594 His whole left side is dead, can't move it. 575 00:21:01.636 --> 00:21:02.971 My dad called him Right Foot. 576 00:21:03.013 --> 00:21:05.724 This is a true story. 577 00:21:05.765 --> 00:21:07.017 It's not rocket science. It's simple. 578 00:21:07.058 --> 00:21:08.435 It was actually too simple. 579 00:21:08.476 --> 00:21:09.894 I said, "Dad, why you call him Right Foot?" 580 00:21:09.936 --> 00:21:11.146 He said, "You ever see him move his left?" 581 00:21:11.187 --> 00:21:13.356 "No." "All right. 582 00:21:13.398 --> 00:21:15.150 "There it is. 583 00:21:15.191 --> 00:21:17.110 There it is." 584 00:21:17.152 --> 00:21:19.029 Called my uncle Right Foot. He get excited. 585 00:21:19.070 --> 00:21:20.613 "Right foot, what it is?" 586 00:21:20.655 --> 00:21:22.490 "Hey, you already know what the fuck going on, god damn it." 587 00:21:22.532 --> 00:21:24.659 My uncle turned into a human typewriter. 588 00:21:24.701 --> 00:21:25.660 Goddamn. 589 00:21:27.871 --> 00:21:28.955 I got an aunt. 590 00:21:28.997 --> 00:21:31.708 I got an aunt. He calls my aunt Wings. 591 00:21:31.750 --> 00:21:32.876 Wings. 592 00:21:32.917 --> 00:21:34.836 She got that stuff under her arm. 593 00:21:34.878 --> 00:21:36.296 You know that stuff that women can't get rid of, 594 00:21:36.338 --> 00:21:37.881 that little piece? 595 00:21:37.922 --> 00:21:38.965 You know what I'm talking about, 596 00:21:39.007 --> 00:21:41.551 that piece that be up under there? 597 00:21:41.593 --> 00:21:43.470 I never knew why he called her Wings. 598 00:21:43.511 --> 00:21:45.221 One day, she was in the kitchen going off. 599 00:21:45.263 --> 00:21:47.098 "Tired of y'all coming over here, not closing the doors, 600 00:21:47.140 --> 00:21:48.141 eating up all the food." 601 00:21:48.183 --> 00:21:49.309 It was making a bunch of noise. 602 00:21:49.351 --> 00:21:51.436 Pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat. 603 00:21:53.188 --> 00:21:54.481 He tapped me, said, "Kev. 604 00:21:54.522 --> 00:21:56.107 "Look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look. 605 00:21:56.149 --> 00:21:57.275 "She about to take off. 606 00:21:57.317 --> 00:21:59.819 "Fly, Wings. 607 00:21:59.861 --> 00:22:01.112 Fly." 608 00:22:02.405 --> 00:22:04.532 "Yeah." 609 00:22:06.284 --> 00:22:07.786 I love it when I tell that joke, 610 00:22:07.827 --> 00:22:10.121 'cause I can see some women in the front grab they arm. 611 00:22:11.539 --> 00:22:12.665 Shut up, Kevin. Shut up. 612 00:22:12.707 --> 00:22:14.417 You don't even--shut up. 613 00:22:16.878 --> 00:22:18.338 There's only one nickname that he gave out 614 00:22:18.380 --> 00:22:19.381 that fucked me up a little bit. 615 00:22:19.422 --> 00:22:21.049 One. 616 00:22:21.091 --> 00:22:22.509 He got a little nephew. 617 00:22:22.550 --> 00:22:23.635 Little boy name is Calvin. 618 00:22:23.677 --> 00:22:25.470 My dad called him Crazy Horse. 619 00:22:25.512 --> 00:22:27.389 "Crazy Horse, come here. 620 00:22:27.430 --> 00:22:29.641 Crazy Horse, get over here." 621 00:22:29.683 --> 00:22:31.476 Now, before I go on with the rest of the joke, 622 00:22:31.518 --> 00:22:33.228 I'ma tell you right now, hand on the Bible, 623 00:22:33.269 --> 00:22:36.147 swear to God, I had no idea that this boy was special. 624 00:22:36.189 --> 00:22:38.024 OK? 625 00:22:38.066 --> 00:22:39.651 I did not know. 626 00:22:39.693 --> 00:22:40.652 I'm getting that out the way. 627 00:22:40.694 --> 00:22:42.862 I'm telling you that now, 628 00:22:42.904 --> 00:22:44.197 'cause I don't want you to think I'm a dickhead 629 00:22:44.239 --> 00:22:45.657 after I say what I say. 630 00:22:47.033 --> 00:22:48.368 I'm still gonna tell you what the fuck I saw, 631 00:22:48.410 --> 00:22:50.995 but I wanted to get that out. 632 00:22:51.037 --> 00:22:52.372 Kept calling the boy Crazy Horse. 633 00:22:52.414 --> 00:22:53.873 "Crazy Horse, come here." 634 00:22:53.915 --> 00:22:55.667 "I said, dad, why you keep calling that boy Crazy Horse?" 635 00:22:55.709 --> 00:22:58.920 He said, "You never seen him do it?" 636 00:22:58.962 --> 00:23:00.505 I said, "Do what?" 637 00:23:02.007 --> 00:23:03.174 [laughs] 638 00:23:06.177 --> 00:23:07.929 I said, "Do what?" 639 00:23:07.971 --> 00:23:09.055 He said, "Crazy Horse, come here." 640 00:23:09.097 --> 00:23:10.390 It was quick. 641 00:23:10.432 --> 00:23:11.850 If you blinked, you would have fucking missed it. 642 00:23:11.891 --> 00:23:13.727 If you blink, I swear to God, you would've missed it. 643 00:23:13.768 --> 00:23:14.853 "Crazy Horse, come here." 644 00:23:14.894 --> 00:23:16.771 The boy got up, he's like-- 645 00:23:17.856 --> 00:23:19.107 Took off. 646 00:23:28.241 --> 00:23:29.576 No! 647 00:23:30.410 --> 00:23:31.745 No! 648 00:23:31.786 --> 00:23:34.664 Can't call that boy no fucking Crazy Horse. 649 00:23:36.166 --> 00:23:37.459 He said, "Why not? That's my nephew." 650 00:23:37.500 --> 00:23:39.252 I don't give a fuck who he is. 651 00:23:39.294 --> 00:23:41.379 'Cause of the times, you can't treat people like that 652 00:23:41.421 --> 00:23:43.298 because of the times. 653 00:23:43.340 --> 00:23:45.550 He got mad, started adjusting his oxygen tank. 654 00:23:45.592 --> 00:23:47.927 [mimicking air hissing] 655 00:23:47.969 --> 00:23:49.596 "Yell at me again, I'll fuck your ass up. 656 00:23:49.637 --> 00:23:51.639 20 seconds. Start the clock right now." 657 00:23:53.183 --> 00:23:55.935 Crazy Horse. 658 00:23:55.977 --> 00:23:57.562 You know, man, my dad is such a character. 659 00:23:57.604 --> 00:23:59.356 Like, when I think about my dad and my brother, 660 00:23:59.397 --> 00:24:00.607 the thing that I've realized now 661 00:24:00.648 --> 00:24:02.817 is that we represent one generation, right? 662 00:24:02.859 --> 00:24:05.278 We're a generation of men in our family. 663 00:24:05.320 --> 00:24:07.614 And I'm like, damn, now I got four kids, two sons. 664 00:24:07.655 --> 00:24:09.783 Holy shit. That's the next generation. 665 00:24:09.824 --> 00:24:11.785 Had to give myself a reality check, because I've realized 666 00:24:11.826 --> 00:24:14.537 I don't think I'm doing my job preparing them 667 00:24:14.579 --> 00:24:16.206 to be a better generation than what we are. 668 00:24:16.247 --> 00:24:17.916 I'm passing down bad habits. 669 00:24:17.957 --> 00:24:19.417 This is not a hypothetical. 670 00:24:19.459 --> 00:24:21.294 This is a fact. I know I am. 671 00:24:21.336 --> 00:24:23.713 My bad habits are being passed down, like my patience. 672 00:24:23.755 --> 00:24:24.964 I don't have patience. 673 00:24:25.006 --> 00:24:26.216 This is one of my worst qualities. 674 00:24:26.257 --> 00:24:27.258 I get irritated very fast. 675 00:24:27.300 --> 00:24:28.718 Small things make me mad. 676 00:24:28.760 --> 00:24:29.969 This is not a joke. 677 00:24:30.011 --> 00:24:31.221 This is an example, 'cause I want you 678 00:24:31.262 --> 00:24:32.138 to understand what I'm saying. 679 00:24:32.180 --> 00:24:33.348 I don't like it when people eat 680 00:24:33.390 --> 00:24:34.516 and sweat at the same time. 681 00:24:34.557 --> 00:24:36.226 I don't fucking like it. 682 00:24:36.267 --> 00:24:37.227 I don't fucking like it. 683 00:24:37.268 --> 00:24:38.395 Like, if somebody's eating 684 00:24:38.436 --> 00:24:39.938 and while they eat, they be like, whew. 685 00:24:39.979 --> 00:24:41.439 I'll punch you in the fucking face. 686 00:24:41.481 --> 00:24:42.857 If I'm there, I swear to God, 687 00:24:42.899 --> 00:24:44.025 I'll punch you in the fucking face. 688 00:24:44.067 --> 00:24:46.069 Slow down! 689 00:24:46.111 --> 00:24:47.570 Ain't nobody gonna take that food from you. 690 00:24:47.612 --> 00:24:48.988 Slow down! 691 00:24:50.657 --> 00:24:51.950 Tell you what else I don't like. 692 00:24:51.991 --> 00:24:53.743 You're not gonna like it, but I'ma tell you anyway. 693 00:24:53.785 --> 00:24:55.704 I've recently realized that I don't have any patience 694 00:24:55.745 --> 00:24:56.996 for unattractive people. 695 00:24:57.038 --> 00:24:58.665 There. I said it. That's how I feel. 696 00:24:59.874 --> 00:25:01.459 I know when you first hear it, it's a blow. 697 00:25:01.501 --> 00:25:02.961 It's a blow at first. 698 00:25:03.003 --> 00:25:04.462 I ask that you stay with me. 699 00:25:04.504 --> 00:25:06.548 OK? Stay with me until the end. 700 00:25:06.589 --> 00:25:07.799 I feel like they're very needy. 701 00:25:07.841 --> 00:25:09.884 Unattractive people are very needy. 702 00:25:09.926 --> 00:25:11.428 They always want something. 703 00:25:11.469 --> 00:25:14.055 Excuse me. Excuse me. 704 00:25:15.890 --> 00:25:17.767 Excuse me. You know where I can-- 705 00:25:17.809 --> 00:25:20.186 No, I don't. No. 706 00:25:20.228 --> 00:25:21.938 No. No. 707 00:25:21.980 --> 00:25:23.398 I treat them like fucking cats. 708 00:25:23.440 --> 00:25:24.774 Get your ass out of here. 709 00:25:26.484 --> 00:25:28.695 Get out of here! You better get! 710 00:25:31.197 --> 00:25:32.699 It's too much. 711 00:25:32.741 --> 00:25:33.867 It's too fucking much. 712 00:25:33.908 --> 00:25:34.993 Let me tell you where the joke came from 713 00:25:35.035 --> 00:25:36.870 so you don't think I'm a dick, OK? 714 00:25:36.911 --> 00:25:39.122 I was at the bank, right? I get done at the bank. 715 00:25:39.164 --> 00:25:40.206 I'm in my car. 716 00:25:40.248 --> 00:25:41.583 I'm about to pull out the parking lot. 717 00:25:41.624 --> 00:25:43.001 You gotta stop at the little parking booth, right? 718 00:25:43.043 --> 00:25:44.085 You gotta give the guy your ticket. 719 00:25:44.127 --> 00:25:45.337 I go to give the guy my ticket. 720 00:25:45.378 --> 00:25:46.880 He slide the glass back, sticks his head out. 721 00:25:46.921 --> 00:25:49.257 Very unattractive man. Whatever. 722 00:25:49.299 --> 00:25:51.551 He sees me. When he saw me, he lost it. 723 00:25:51.593 --> 00:25:52.802 He got excited. 724 00:25:52.844 --> 00:25:54.888 He's like, uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh. 725 00:25:56.931 --> 00:25:59.934 Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh-uh. 726 00:25:59.976 --> 00:26:02.687 Made that ugly-ass face right in my fucking face. 727 00:26:03.980 --> 00:26:06.358 Kevin Hart in my bank? You got to be kidding me. 728 00:26:06.399 --> 00:26:07.859 He said, "I'm not letting you out of here until you 729 00:26:07.901 --> 00:26:09.486 "tell me why you chose us. Why us? 730 00:26:09.527 --> 00:26:10.904 "Why you bank with us? 731 00:26:10.945 --> 00:26:14.366 Why'd you choose us as your financial institution?" 732 00:26:14.407 --> 00:26:15.825 I couldn't believe what the fuck I heard. 733 00:26:15.867 --> 00:26:18.328 I said, "I don't have time for this shit. 734 00:26:18.370 --> 00:26:20.205 "Press the button. Let me the fuck out of here. 735 00:26:20.246 --> 00:26:21.831 I don't have time." 736 00:26:21.873 --> 00:26:24.876 He did it again. Uh-uh, uh-uh-uh, uh-uh. 737 00:26:25.710 --> 00:26:27.253 "I ain't letting you out of here till you tell me why us. 738 00:26:27.295 --> 00:26:28.463 "Why'd you choose us? 739 00:26:28.505 --> 00:26:30.674 Why us? Why'd you choose us?" 740 00:26:30.715 --> 00:26:31.925 Kept saying us. 741 00:26:31.966 --> 00:26:33.176 I told you I don't have any patience. 742 00:26:33.218 --> 00:26:34.427 I fucking lost it. I snapped. 743 00:26:34.469 --> 00:26:35.845 I said, "Stop saying us. 744 00:26:35.887 --> 00:26:37.305 "You don't got shit to do with that goddamn bank. 745 00:26:37.347 --> 00:26:39.808 "This parking lot ain't got shit to do with that bank. 746 00:26:39.849 --> 00:26:41.101 "Hit the button. 747 00:26:41.142 --> 00:26:43.978 Let me the fuck up out of here." 748 00:26:44.020 --> 00:26:45.647 This when I got mad. He looked me dead in the eye. 749 00:26:45.689 --> 00:26:47.148 He said, "I got all day, Kevin Hart. 750 00:26:47.190 --> 00:26:49.109 All day." 751 00:26:49.150 --> 00:26:51.069 I realized he's not playing. He's not gonna let me out. 752 00:26:51.111 --> 00:26:52.487 I gotta answer his fucking question. 753 00:26:52.529 --> 00:26:54.572 "OK, fine, you want to know why I chose this bank? 754 00:26:54.614 --> 00:26:57.117 "Your customer service, loan rates, free checking. 755 00:26:57.158 --> 00:26:59.619 There you go. That's why. That's why I chose y'all." 756 00:26:59.661 --> 00:27:00.787 This is what pissed me off. 757 00:27:00.829 --> 00:27:02.080 He goes, "That's all you had to say, 758 00:27:02.122 --> 00:27:03.623 with your little ugly ass." 759 00:27:03.665 --> 00:27:05.792 I said, "What'd you just say? 760 00:27:05.834 --> 00:27:06.918 The fuck did you just say to me?" 761 00:27:06.960 --> 00:27:08.420 "Get your ugly ass out my line." 762 00:27:10.005 --> 00:27:11.548 He hit the button. I had to pull off. 763 00:27:11.589 --> 00:27:13.216 [mimicking tires squealing] 764 00:27:13.258 --> 00:27:14.718 Now I'm pissed. 765 00:27:14.759 --> 00:27:15.677 I'm not ugly. 766 00:27:15.719 --> 00:27:17.137 You ugly! 767 00:27:19.264 --> 00:27:20.974 Fucking pissed. 768 00:27:21.016 --> 00:27:24.102 I stopped at Chipotle two blocks up. 769 00:27:24.144 --> 00:27:25.812 It's a long line in Chipotle. 770 00:27:25.854 --> 00:27:27.022 Now I'm even more irritated. 771 00:27:27.063 --> 00:27:28.398 I'm only in this long-ass line 772 00:27:28.440 --> 00:27:31.484 because of that unattractive-ass conversation. 773 00:27:31.526 --> 00:27:33.653 While I'm standing in line, the woman behind me goes, 774 00:27:33.695 --> 00:27:34.654 "Oh, my God, today's such a nice day. 775 00:27:34.696 --> 00:27:35.822 It's so beautiful outside." 776 00:27:35.864 --> 00:27:37.198 I'm about to fucking snap. 777 00:27:37.240 --> 00:27:38.324 I'ma lose it. 778 00:27:38.366 --> 00:27:39.784 I'ma fucking snap. I'ma turn around. 779 00:27:39.826 --> 00:27:40.952 I'ma let this goddamn woman have it. 780 00:27:40.994 --> 00:27:42.287 I turn around. I see her. 781 00:27:42.328 --> 00:27:44.205 This is by far one of the most attractive women 782 00:27:44.247 --> 00:27:45.373 I've ever seen in my fucking life. 783 00:27:45.415 --> 00:27:46.791 She was gorgeous. Immediately, instantly... 784 00:27:46.833 --> 00:27:48.626 [snaps fingers] 785 00:27:48.668 --> 00:27:50.670 I had time. I had fucking time. 786 00:27:50.712 --> 00:27:52.297 I said, "You know what? 787 00:27:52.339 --> 00:27:54.466 It is a nice day. It's so nice outside." 788 00:27:55.884 --> 00:27:56.926 I turned into a fucking weatherman. 789 00:27:56.968 --> 00:27:58.219 I said, "What we need is rain. 790 00:27:58.261 --> 00:28:00.764 We ain't had no rain in a minute." 791 00:28:00.805 --> 00:28:02.349 She said, "I wasn't even talking to you." 792 00:28:02.390 --> 00:28:04.517 Turned her back on me. 793 00:28:04.559 --> 00:28:06.186 What the fuck? 794 00:28:06.227 --> 00:28:08.438 Oh, no. No. That is not acceptable. 795 00:28:08.480 --> 00:28:11.107 Excuse me. Excuse me. 796 00:28:11.149 --> 00:28:13.777 Excuse me. Excuse me. 797 00:28:13.818 --> 00:28:16.071 She turned around. "What?" 798 00:28:16.112 --> 00:28:18.656 Aha! 799 00:28:18.698 --> 00:28:20.241 Ah. 800 00:28:23.828 --> 00:28:25.413 Ah. 801 00:28:27.957 --> 00:28:30.126 I just want-- 802 00:28:30.168 --> 00:28:32.212 "I just want to know what made you choose Chipotle 803 00:28:32.253 --> 00:28:34.422 as your place for lunch today." 804 00:28:36.049 --> 00:28:37.217 She said, "I'm not telling you that." 805 00:28:37.258 --> 00:28:39.719 I said, "Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh-uh." 806 00:28:39.761 --> 00:28:44.057 I was the unattractive person in that conversation. 807 00:28:44.099 --> 00:28:45.266 Guy flipped it on me that fast. 808 00:28:45.308 --> 00:28:46.476 Let me tell you something, people. 809 00:28:46.518 --> 00:28:48.061 No matter how good you think you look, 810 00:28:48.103 --> 00:28:51.231 I promise you that you don't look that fucking good. 811 00:28:51.272 --> 00:28:53.191 I promise you something will happen 812 00:28:53.233 --> 00:28:56.152 in life to show you that you don't look that fucking good. 813 00:28:56.194 --> 00:28:58.113 My wife gave me a reality check. 814 00:28:58.154 --> 00:29:00.115 We was in the bed, watching TV. 815 00:29:00.156 --> 00:29:01.908 Commercial came on with the little monster 816 00:29:01.950 --> 00:29:03.076 from "Lord of the Rings," Smeagol. 817 00:29:03.118 --> 00:29:04.494 I think that's his name. 818 00:29:04.536 --> 00:29:05.870 Smeagol, he was doing this shit right here. 819 00:29:05.912 --> 00:29:07.247 You know the little monster? 820 00:29:07.288 --> 00:29:08.707 That's what he did. He was doing this shit. 821 00:29:08.748 --> 00:29:10.917 My wife said, "Oh, my God, babe, you be doing that." 822 00:29:10.959 --> 00:29:14.004 I said, "Bitch, what did you just say to me? 823 00:29:14.045 --> 00:29:15.380 The fuck did you just say?" 824 00:29:15.422 --> 00:29:17.090 "You be doing that in the mornings." 825 00:29:17.132 --> 00:29:18.925 "Bitch, I ain't never did no shit like that 826 00:29:18.967 --> 00:29:20.760 in my goddamn life!" 827 00:29:21.594 --> 00:29:24.472 Called me a fucking monster to my goddamn face. 828 00:29:26.391 --> 00:29:29.477 Self-esteem was fucking dead after that. 829 00:29:29.519 --> 00:29:31.563 Crushed my soul. 830 00:29:31.604 --> 00:29:34.441 I'll tell you what really destroyed my self-esteem, 831 00:29:34.482 --> 00:29:36.276 what destroyed it. 832 00:29:36.317 --> 00:29:39.279 Fan art. 833 00:29:39.320 --> 00:29:40.572 That's right. 834 00:29:40.613 --> 00:29:42.032 Fan art. 835 00:29:42.073 --> 00:29:44.784 The pictures that you are drawing of me 836 00:29:44.826 --> 00:29:47.662 and have given to me in person. 837 00:29:47.704 --> 00:29:49.789 The nerve of some of you. 838 00:29:49.831 --> 00:29:52.083 Like, listen, I--fuck you. 839 00:29:52.125 --> 00:29:54.461 And I mean that. Like, I stand on that. 840 00:29:54.502 --> 00:29:57.839 Fuck you, acting like these pictures 841 00:29:57.881 --> 00:29:59.507 come from a place of love. 842 00:29:59.549 --> 00:30:02.010 It's got to be--it's the most irritating shit in the world. 843 00:30:02.052 --> 00:30:03.553 You think--let me show you something. 844 00:30:03.595 --> 00:30:05.221 Put one of them pictures up. Look at this shit. 845 00:30:05.263 --> 00:30:07.140 Look. Look at this. 846 00:30:07.182 --> 00:30:08.391 These are real pictures, by the way. 847 00:30:08.433 --> 00:30:10.185 These are real fucking pictures. 848 00:30:10.226 --> 00:30:11.686 Look at my goddamn mouth. 849 00:30:11.728 --> 00:30:13.021 When did I have a stroke? 850 00:30:13.063 --> 00:30:15.273 Does anybody know when I had a stroke? 851 00:30:15.315 --> 00:30:17.108 Show another one. Show another--look. 852 00:30:17.150 --> 00:30:18.610 Look at this shit. 853 00:30:18.651 --> 00:30:21.029 Look at this shit. Now I'm Frankenstein, huh? 854 00:30:21.071 --> 00:30:22.614 I'm fucking Frankenstein? 855 00:30:22.655 --> 00:30:23.907 Look at my fucking forehead. 856 00:30:23.948 --> 00:30:25.408 Goddamn. 857 00:30:25.450 --> 00:30:27.369 What the fuck? Look at the next one. 858 00:30:27.410 --> 00:30:28.745 What color am I? 859 00:30:28.787 --> 00:30:30.538 What the fuck color am I? 860 00:30:32.374 --> 00:30:33.458 Cut it off. 861 00:30:33.500 --> 00:30:35.043 I mean, it's just-- it's so much, man. 862 00:30:35.085 --> 00:30:36.294 I'ma tell you who drew, like, 863 00:30:36.336 --> 00:30:37.379 one of the worst pieces of fan art. 864 00:30:37.420 --> 00:30:38.421 You should know. 865 00:30:38.463 --> 00:30:39.464 Who do you think gave me 866 00:30:39.506 --> 00:30:40.507 one of the worst pieces of fan art 867 00:30:40.548 --> 00:30:41.424 that I've ever seen? 868 00:30:41.466 --> 00:30:43.802 Think. [indistinct shouting] 869 00:30:43.843 --> 00:30:45.762 No. No. 870 00:30:45.804 --> 00:30:47.013 Crazy Horse. 871 00:30:47.055 --> 00:30:50.183 Crazy Horse gave me a picture so bad. 872 00:30:50.225 --> 00:30:52.143 This bitch left my goddamn body out. 873 00:30:52.185 --> 00:30:54.145 He drew my face and my neck 874 00:30:54.187 --> 00:30:56.189 and then put a boot underneath it. 875 00:30:56.231 --> 00:30:58.233 Look--look--look at this. 876 00:30:58.274 --> 00:31:00.068 Where the fuck is my body at, Crazy Horse? 877 00:31:00.110 --> 00:31:02.445 He said, "You live in the boot." 878 00:31:02.487 --> 00:31:03.613 He took off. 879 00:31:03.655 --> 00:31:05.865 I couldn't catch him. 880 00:31:05.907 --> 00:31:07.117 Son of a bitch. 881 00:31:08.743 --> 00:31:10.245 I'm trying to do things that actually 882 00:31:10.286 --> 00:31:12.622 work on my levels of patience. 883 00:31:12.664 --> 00:31:14.916 I'm trying to do things that allow me 884 00:31:14.958 --> 00:31:16.918 time to think for me, right, 885 00:31:16.960 --> 00:31:18.670 like stepping away from the pack, 886 00:31:18.712 --> 00:31:19.963 giving myself some me time. 887 00:31:20.005 --> 00:31:21.423 I recommend you guys do it too, right? 888 00:31:21.464 --> 00:31:23.091 Step away from the pack every once in a while. 889 00:31:23.133 --> 00:31:25.552 Go do some shit for you, an activity for you. 890 00:31:25.593 --> 00:31:27.137 It's a good stress reliever. It is. 891 00:31:27.178 --> 00:31:28.471 It really is. 892 00:31:29.723 --> 00:31:30.807 One thing I used to do, I used to play 893 00:31:30.849 --> 00:31:32.225 a lot of basketball, right? 894 00:31:32.267 --> 00:31:34.769 I would go up to gyms and just do open runs. 895 00:31:34.811 --> 00:31:36.271 I had to stop going to one gym 896 00:31:36.312 --> 00:31:38.523 because they turned it into a picture fest. 897 00:31:38.565 --> 00:31:39.941 Everybody wanted to take fucking pictures. 898 00:31:39.983 --> 00:31:41.067 I ain't here to take pictures. 899 00:31:41.109 --> 00:31:42.193 I'm here to play ball. 900 00:31:42.235 --> 00:31:43.945 I'm not coming back to this gym. 901 00:31:43.987 --> 00:31:45.572 I'll go find another gym, where they do 902 00:31:45.613 --> 00:31:47.741 three-on-three basketball Tuesdays and Thursdays, 903 00:31:47.782 --> 00:31:48.992 6:00 a.m. to 8:00 a.m. 904 00:31:49.034 --> 00:31:50.577 It's much better. This where I need to be. 905 00:31:50.618 --> 00:31:51.703 It's more intimate. 906 00:31:51.745 --> 00:31:52.746 Keep in mind, when I play basketball, 907 00:31:52.787 --> 00:31:54.039 I talk a lot of shit. 908 00:31:54.080 --> 00:31:55.623 Fuck outta here, bitch, ah. 909 00:31:56.958 --> 00:31:58.418 You're too small. 910 00:31:58.460 --> 00:32:00.128 I'll put you in my back pocket, with your little ass. 911 00:32:00.170 --> 00:32:01.212 You're too fucking small. 912 00:32:01.254 --> 00:32:03.006 Put you right in my back pocket. 913 00:32:03.048 --> 00:32:04.049 I'm about to get buckets. 914 00:32:04.090 --> 00:32:05.133 It's time to eat. 915 00:32:05.175 --> 00:32:06.968 Mmm, mmm, mmm. 916 00:32:08.470 --> 00:32:10.263 Keep in mind, when I talk shit, I don't like it 917 00:32:10.305 --> 00:32:11.639 when you don't talk shit back. 918 00:32:11.681 --> 00:32:13.266 You messing up the competitive nature in the game. 919 00:32:13.308 --> 00:32:15.393 If I talk shit, talk shit back. 920 00:32:15.435 --> 00:32:16.686 We playing three-on-three basketball. 921 00:32:16.728 --> 00:32:18.313 They treating it like it's the goddamn NBA. 922 00:32:18.355 --> 00:32:20.648 Calling plays, setting picks and shit. 923 00:32:20.690 --> 00:32:22.108 It was too much. We lost. 924 00:32:22.150 --> 00:32:25.236 I quit. I'm not playing anymore. 925 00:32:25.278 --> 00:32:26.905 I walked out. There was a sign in the lobby. 926 00:32:26.946 --> 00:32:28.740 The sign in the lobby said, "Deaf run 927 00:32:28.782 --> 00:32:31.117 Tuesdays and Thursdays, 6:00 a.m. to 8:00 a.m." 928 00:32:31.159 --> 00:32:32.786 Yeah, they were deaf. 929 00:32:32.827 --> 00:32:33.787 They didn't hear shit I said. 930 00:32:33.828 --> 00:32:35.663 Now--no, they didn't. 931 00:32:35.705 --> 00:32:37.540 They weren't calling plays. 932 00:32:37.582 --> 00:32:38.541 They were communicating. 933 00:32:38.583 --> 00:32:39.709 They were talking to one another. 934 00:32:39.751 --> 00:32:42.045 Now, this isn't a joke about deaf people. 935 00:32:42.087 --> 00:32:43.171 That's not what the joke is about. 936 00:32:43.213 --> 00:32:44.464 It's about what I looked like. 937 00:32:44.506 --> 00:32:47.300 What the fuck did I look like back there? 938 00:32:47.342 --> 00:32:48.426 'Cause I know what I was saying. 939 00:32:48.468 --> 00:32:51.304 I'm talking shit. "Yeah, bitch. 940 00:32:52.514 --> 00:32:54.641 "Yeah, bitch. Yeah. You're too small. 941 00:32:54.683 --> 00:32:56.893 "Put you in my fucking back pocket, with your little ass. 942 00:32:56.935 --> 00:32:58.061 "Yeah. Come on, bitch. 943 00:32:59.604 --> 00:33:01.147 "I'm about to get buckets of barbecue chicken. 944 00:33:01.189 --> 00:33:03.400 Mmm, mmm, mmm." That's what I said. 945 00:33:04.150 --> 00:33:07.320 What does that look like without the volume, hmm? 946 00:33:07.362 --> 00:33:09.531 What does it look like without the volume? 947 00:33:34.889 --> 00:33:36.307 I just told that man that I want to eat his ass. 948 00:33:36.349 --> 00:33:38.351 That's what I just said. 949 00:33:38.393 --> 00:33:39.436 I don't want to eat your ass. 950 00:33:39.477 --> 00:33:41.271 That's barbecue chicken, bitch. 951 00:33:41.312 --> 00:33:42.480 Barbecue chicken. 952 00:33:42.522 --> 00:33:44.274 I'm not trying to eat your ass. 953 00:33:46.234 --> 00:33:48.236 Had to leave a note, apologize. 954 00:33:50.238 --> 00:33:52.449 I am working on my shit, man. 955 00:33:52.490 --> 00:33:54.200 Certain things I just can't do anymore, not like I used to. 956 00:33:54.242 --> 00:33:55.368 I stopped drinking. 957 00:33:55.410 --> 00:33:56.911 I don't drink as much as I used to. 958 00:33:56.953 --> 00:33:58.246 Not because I had a problem, just 'cause I'm getting older. 959 00:33:58.288 --> 00:33:59.497 I still drink. 960 00:33:59.539 --> 00:34:00.623 I love to drink. 961 00:34:00.665 --> 00:34:02.000 I have a fucking tequila, Gran Coramino. 962 00:34:02.042 --> 00:34:04.377 You guys should know that I love to fucking drink. 963 00:34:04.419 --> 00:34:06.004 That Mino Lino. You need it in your life. 964 00:34:06.046 --> 00:34:07.213 Trust me. 965 00:34:07.255 --> 00:34:08.631 I just can't drink the way I used to. 966 00:34:08.673 --> 00:34:11.676 When I was 22, 23 years old, I'd take shots for days. 967 00:34:11.718 --> 00:34:13.345 Bow, bow, bow. 968 00:34:13.386 --> 00:34:15.430 Dance afterwards. Yeah, bitch, uh. 969 00:34:17.057 --> 00:34:19.726 43 is different. 970 00:34:19.768 --> 00:34:21.353 It's different at 43. 971 00:34:21.394 --> 00:34:23.438 One shot. Bow. 972 00:34:26.941 --> 00:34:30.570 Some-- 973 00:34:30.612 --> 00:34:32.739 somebody put something in my drink. 974 00:34:34.115 --> 00:34:37.577 Somebody trying to do something to me here tonight. 975 00:34:38.953 --> 00:34:40.080 I'm a blackout drunk too. 976 00:34:40.121 --> 00:34:41.414 I'll black out. 977 00:34:41.456 --> 00:34:43.583 In a heartbeat, I'll black the fuck out. 978 00:34:43.625 --> 00:34:45.418 Mid-conversation. 979 00:34:45.460 --> 00:34:47.462 What we doing? We going--we going club-- 980 00:34:47.504 --> 00:34:49.547 hey, we go--everybody-- everybody go club--we all-- 981 00:34:49.589 --> 00:34:50.799 [mimicking snoring] I'm out. 982 00:34:52.050 --> 00:34:53.385 It's a wrap. 983 00:34:53.426 --> 00:34:54.928 I don't like my friends. 984 00:34:54.969 --> 00:34:57.472 These son of a bitches never take me home when I black out. 985 00:34:57.514 --> 00:35:01.351 They just prop me up in the corner, keep the party going. 986 00:35:01.393 --> 00:35:03.144 'Cause they need my face to get into places. 987 00:35:03.186 --> 00:35:05.605 They need my fucking face. 988 00:35:05.647 --> 00:35:07.565 They treat me like Bernie from "Weekend at Bernie's." 989 00:35:07.607 --> 00:35:11.152 They just keep showing my face at the door. 990 00:35:13.988 --> 00:35:14.948 Get in there, Kev. 991 00:35:14.989 --> 00:35:15.949 Bitch, I'm dead. 992 00:35:15.990 --> 00:35:17.701 Check my pulse. 993 00:35:20.995 --> 00:35:22.580 My friends are hilarious, man. 994 00:35:22.622 --> 00:35:24.791 I recently had to have a conversation with my friends. 995 00:35:24.833 --> 00:35:26.084 Had a big conversation with them. 996 00:35:26.126 --> 00:35:27.377 Had to explain to my friends that I'm no longer 997 00:35:27.419 --> 00:35:28.795 the friend of old. 998 00:35:28.837 --> 00:35:31.172 I'm no longer the all-for-one, one-for-all friend. 999 00:35:31.214 --> 00:35:32.924 I'm no longer the "we ride together, we die together." 1000 00:35:32.966 --> 00:35:35.552 I'm no longer the "if one go down, we all go down." 1001 00:35:35.593 --> 00:35:37.804 I'm no longer that friend. 1002 00:35:37.846 --> 00:35:39.514 43 years old, I'm at a point in my life 1003 00:35:39.556 --> 00:35:42.267 where I'm not choosing to deal with the world of bullshit 1004 00:35:42.308 --> 00:35:43.351 that comes with my friends. 1005 00:35:43.393 --> 00:35:45.020 I no longer want your bullshit. 1006 00:35:45.061 --> 00:35:46.312 I'm not embracing it anymore. 1007 00:35:46.354 --> 00:35:47.605 I'm at a point in my life-- 1008 00:35:47.647 --> 00:35:50.066 I'm very serious, very serious. 1009 00:35:50.108 --> 00:35:52.444 I'm at a point in my life where I'll tell on you. 1010 00:35:52.485 --> 00:35:54.154 I'll fucking tell. I told them. 1011 00:35:54.195 --> 00:35:55.613 That's where I'm at. 1012 00:35:55.655 --> 00:35:57.365 You do something around me that involves the law 1013 00:35:57.407 --> 00:35:59.701 in any way, shape, or form, I'll fucking tell. 1014 00:35:59.743 --> 00:36:00.910 I'll tell. 1015 00:36:00.952 --> 00:36:03.329 It doesn't make me a snitch or a bitch. 1016 00:36:03.371 --> 00:36:04.873 You know why? You know why? 1017 00:36:04.914 --> 00:36:07.375 'Cause I'm telling you ahead of time what the fuck I'll do. 1018 00:36:07.417 --> 00:36:08.835 That means I'm giving you an opportunity 1019 00:36:08.877 --> 00:36:10.337 to make better decisions around me 1020 00:36:10.378 --> 00:36:11.629 so that I don't have to tell on you. 1021 00:36:11.671 --> 00:36:14.341 I don't want to have to fucking tell on you. 1022 00:36:14.382 --> 00:36:15.633 They thought I was lying. 1023 00:36:15.675 --> 00:36:17.135 I wasn't. 1024 00:36:17.177 --> 00:36:18.511 We went to Mexico. 1025 00:36:18.553 --> 00:36:20.680 Keep in mind, we fly private, right? 1026 00:36:20.722 --> 00:36:21.931 We go to Mexico. 1027 00:36:21.973 --> 00:36:23.183 We're on the plane. 1028 00:36:23.224 --> 00:36:24.517 While we're on the plane, my friends, 1029 00:36:24.559 --> 00:36:26.770 they love to bring weed, love the flower weed. 1030 00:36:26.811 --> 00:36:27.812 Go right ahead. 1031 00:36:27.854 --> 00:36:28.938 Bring all the fucking weed you want. 1032 00:36:28.980 --> 00:36:31.232 It's all fun and games until it's not. 1033 00:36:32.567 --> 00:36:33.902 I said, I don't want to hear shit 1034 00:36:33.943 --> 00:36:36.196 when we land and them little Mexican dogs get active, 1035 00:36:36.237 --> 00:36:38.073 start sniffing your bags. 1036 00:36:38.114 --> 00:36:39.699 I don't want to see you looking up like you 1037 00:36:39.741 --> 00:36:41.034 don't know what the fuck they smell, 1038 00:36:41.076 --> 00:36:42.202 'cause guess what I'ma do. 1039 00:36:42.243 --> 00:36:43.328 Guess what I'ma do. 1040 00:36:43.370 --> 00:36:44.371 I'ma solve the case. 1041 00:36:44.412 --> 00:36:46.122 That's what I'ma do. 1042 00:36:46.164 --> 00:36:47.874 I'ma solve the goddamn case. 1043 00:36:47.916 --> 00:36:49.209 Oh! 1044 00:36:49.250 --> 00:36:50.585 That dog found it, Officer. 1045 00:36:50.627 --> 00:36:52.879 That dog got it right there. 1046 00:36:52.921 --> 00:36:55.423 Mark, raise your hand so they know who bag that is. 1047 00:36:55.465 --> 00:36:57.217 You probably gotta go with them. 1048 00:36:57.258 --> 00:36:58.802 Yeah. You want him to go with y'all? 1049 00:36:58.843 --> 00:37:02.222 Yep, they said you gotta go with them, Mark. 1050 00:37:02.263 --> 00:37:04.557 I'ma solve the goddamn case. 1051 00:37:06.351 --> 00:37:07.394 I'll never forget it. 1052 00:37:07.435 --> 00:37:09.145 We're on the plane going to Mexico. 1053 00:37:09.187 --> 00:37:12.023 First of all, it's always the person with the drugs 1054 00:37:12.065 --> 00:37:13.900 that's got the worst ideas in the world. 1055 00:37:13.942 --> 00:37:15.151 Always. 1056 00:37:15.193 --> 00:37:16.945 That's Joey's stupid ass. 1057 00:37:16.986 --> 00:37:18.947 Keep using the word "we." 1058 00:37:18.988 --> 00:37:20.156 "This what we gonna do. 1059 00:37:20.198 --> 00:37:22.075 "This how we gonna make it work. 1060 00:37:22.117 --> 00:37:23.576 "When we get off the plane, look. 1061 00:37:23.618 --> 00:37:25.245 "If they want to go through your bags, all you gotta do 1062 00:37:25.286 --> 00:37:26.663 "is grab the bag without the drugs. 1063 00:37:26.705 --> 00:37:28.415 "If they don't, then grab the bag with the drugs. 1064 00:37:28.456 --> 00:37:29.582 "That's how we get the drugs through. 1065 00:37:29.624 --> 00:37:31.167 We alternate it like that." 1066 00:37:31.209 --> 00:37:33.336 Everybody on the plane was like, "Bet, dope, yeah. 1067 00:37:33.378 --> 00:37:34.921 Let's do it." 1068 00:37:34.963 --> 00:37:37.590 I said, "That don't work for me. I don't like that plan. 1069 00:37:37.632 --> 00:37:39.092 "I don't fucking like it. My name on my bag. 1070 00:37:39.134 --> 00:37:40.135 "Don't touch my bag. 1071 00:37:40.176 --> 00:37:41.177 "You touch my bag, I'll tell. 1072 00:37:41.219 --> 00:37:42.387 I'll fucking tell." 1073 00:37:43.972 --> 00:37:45.598 I'll never forget it. This a true story. 1074 00:37:45.640 --> 00:37:47.517 We're landing in Mexico. Plane go down. 1075 00:37:47.559 --> 00:37:50.061 [mimicking tires screeching] 1076 00:37:50.103 --> 00:37:51.980 I look out the window, looked like an episode of "Narcos." 1077 00:37:52.022 --> 00:37:54.941 I've never seen more Mexican officers in my goddamn life. 1078 00:37:54.983 --> 00:37:56.693 They standing there. They got the dogs. 1079 00:37:56.735 --> 00:38:01.072 I've never seen dogs look through the window of a plane. 1080 00:38:01.114 --> 00:38:03.616 The dogs. 1081 00:38:03.658 --> 00:38:05.410 When I saw that, When I saw the dogs, 1082 00:38:05.452 --> 00:38:08.204 I said, "Oh, boy. [laughs] 1083 00:38:08.246 --> 00:38:12.042 "Y'all going to jail. Y'all going to fucking jail. 1084 00:38:12.083 --> 00:38:14.794 They smell it. The dogs smell it already." 1085 00:38:16.379 --> 00:38:19.424 Little Mexican man comes on the plane after the door go down. 1086 00:38:19.466 --> 00:38:20.884 He starts speaking Spanish. 1087 00:38:20.925 --> 00:38:22.594 Keep in mind, I don't know Spanish. 1088 00:38:22.635 --> 00:38:24.721 I know a couple words, and I know the rhythm. 1089 00:38:24.763 --> 00:38:26.890 I know the rhythm of Spanish. 1090 00:38:26.931 --> 00:38:30.060 For the purpose of this joke, I'ma hit you with the rhythm. 1091 00:38:30.101 --> 00:38:31.895 The reason why is because I want you to feel like 1092 00:38:31.936 --> 00:38:32.771 you were there. 1093 00:38:32.812 --> 00:38:35.357 I'm telling you ahead of time 1094 00:38:35.398 --> 00:38:38.485 these are not real words, OK? 1095 00:38:38.526 --> 00:38:39.861 They're not real words. 1096 00:38:39.903 --> 00:38:43.073 It's gonna sound like it, but it's just a rhythm. 1097 00:38:43.114 --> 00:38:44.324 But don't make me laugh, 1098 00:38:44.366 --> 00:38:45.492 'cause I gotta stay in the character. 1099 00:38:45.533 --> 00:38:47.118 Don't make me fucking laugh. 1100 00:38:52.082 --> 00:38:53.541 So he started off-- 1101 00:38:53.583 --> 00:38:55.377 he started off calm and then escalated. 1102 00:38:55.418 --> 00:38:57.462 This is exactly what he did, OK? 1103 00:39:08.264 --> 00:39:11.142 Dónde, hmm? 1104 00:39:11.184 --> 00:39:13.103 Hmm? 1105 00:39:13.144 --> 00:39:16.231 Dónde--dónde--dónde está? 1106 00:39:16.272 --> 00:39:17.941 [sniffs] Hmm? 1107 00:39:20.193 --> 00:39:23.071 [mimicking Spanish] 1108 00:39:38.795 --> 00:39:39.963 He looking right at me. 1109 00:39:40.005 --> 00:39:41.047 He looking me dead in the fucking eye. 1110 00:39:41.089 --> 00:39:43.341 He go, "Qué? 1111 00:39:43.383 --> 00:39:45.135 Qué?" 1112 00:39:45.176 --> 00:39:47.554 I don't know what the fuck "qué" mean, 1113 00:39:47.595 --> 00:39:48.722 but he want an answer. 1114 00:39:48.763 --> 00:39:49.889 He looking right at me. I panicked. 1115 00:39:49.931 --> 00:39:51.433 I didn't know what to fucking do. 1116 00:39:51.474 --> 00:39:53.018 I panicked. I said, "Queso." 1117 00:39:53.059 --> 00:39:56.855 I just said it. I said, "Queso." 1118 00:39:56.896 --> 00:39:58.857 I thought about the cheese, queso cheese. 1119 00:39:58.898 --> 00:40:01.067 I don't know what the fuck. 1120 00:40:01.109 --> 00:40:02.610 "Queso." 1121 00:40:03.945 --> 00:40:05.613 He thought I was being a smart-ass. 1122 00:40:05.655 --> 00:40:07.866 He said, "Oh." 1123 00:40:10.285 --> 00:40:13.079 "Queso, ah. 1124 00:40:13.121 --> 00:40:14.289 Hmm." 1125 00:40:14.330 --> 00:40:16.875 [mimicking Spanish] 1126 00:40:16.916 --> 00:40:18.793 You ever hear Spanish people talk real fast 1127 00:40:18.835 --> 00:40:22.047 and it just sound like a bunch of clicks? 1128 00:40:22.088 --> 00:40:23.131 This is what he said. 1129 00:40:24.507 --> 00:40:27.927 [mimicking Spanish] 1130 00:40:36.478 --> 00:40:39.606 [mimicking Spanish] 1131 00:40:45.153 --> 00:40:46.738 Fuck. 1132 00:40:46.780 --> 00:40:47.989 This is it. This is my nightmare. 1133 00:40:48.031 --> 00:40:48.990 We going to jail. 1134 00:40:49.032 --> 00:40:51.451 I get up. Ah! 1135 00:40:51.493 --> 00:40:52.452 I got my hands up. 1136 00:40:52.494 --> 00:40:54.120 I'm cooperating. 1137 00:40:54.162 --> 00:40:55.413 We get off the plane. 1138 00:40:55.455 --> 00:40:56.539 They got a security booth right there. 1139 00:40:56.581 --> 00:40:58.124 You gotta get in the booth one by one. 1140 00:40:58.166 --> 00:40:59.834 When you get in the booth, you gotta press a button. 1141 00:40:59.876 --> 00:41:02.545 When you press the button, it go red light or green light. 1142 00:41:02.587 --> 00:41:03.797 Let me tell you something right now. 1143 00:41:03.838 --> 00:41:06.424 If you press that button and you get a red light, 1144 00:41:06.466 --> 00:41:08.051 ho, you can cancel Christmas. 1145 00:41:08.093 --> 00:41:09.135 It's over for you. 1146 00:41:09.177 --> 00:41:10.345 You hear me? 1147 00:41:10.387 --> 00:41:12.305 It's over for you. 1148 00:41:12.347 --> 00:41:14.557 They get dark as fuck when you press that button 1149 00:41:14.599 --> 00:41:16.309 and it's red. 1150 00:41:16.351 --> 00:41:19.229 [mimicking Spanish] 1151 00:41:21.231 --> 00:41:22.399 You press the button and it's green, 1152 00:41:22.440 --> 00:41:24.067 they're a different person. 1153 00:41:24.109 --> 00:41:27.070 "Qué pasa?" 1154 00:41:27.112 --> 00:41:29.030 Put a fucking hat on you, start dancing. 1155 00:41:29.072 --> 00:41:31.616 [vocalizing] 1156 00:41:31.658 --> 00:41:33.159 You don't want to dance, but you're scared, 1157 00:41:33.201 --> 00:41:35.245 so you do it anyway, ah. 1158 00:41:36.746 --> 00:41:38.665 Please don't kill me. 1159 00:41:40.041 --> 00:41:41.126 I'm first. 1160 00:41:41.167 --> 00:41:42.335 I gotta press the fucking button. 1161 00:41:42.377 --> 00:41:43.294 He looking right at me. 1162 00:41:54.681 --> 00:41:56.057 [blows sharply] 1163 00:42:01.813 --> 00:42:03.231 I almost said-- 1164 00:42:05.150 --> 00:42:07.068 I almost said, "They got drugs." 1165 00:42:07.110 --> 00:42:08.820 I swear to God. 1166 00:42:08.862 --> 00:42:10.572 I was fucking nervous. My stomach was bubbling. 1167 00:42:10.613 --> 00:42:13.241 My ass was wet. I was farting. 1168 00:42:13.283 --> 00:42:14.242 It was too much. 1169 00:42:14.284 --> 00:42:15.744 I was nervous. 1170 00:42:16.828 --> 00:42:18.079 [blows sharply] 1171 00:42:25.045 --> 00:42:26.546 I hit that bitch. Bow. 1172 00:42:26.588 --> 00:42:29.257 Backed up, looked up like it was the "Wheel of Fortune." 1173 00:42:29.299 --> 00:42:31.926 It said red, green, 1174 00:42:31.968 --> 00:42:35.388 red, green, red, green. 1175 00:42:35.430 --> 00:42:36.681 It stopped on green. 1176 00:42:36.723 --> 00:42:37.766 Let me tell you how childish I am. 1177 00:42:37.807 --> 00:42:39.601 When it stopped on green, I went. 1178 00:42:39.642 --> 00:42:41.478 I grabbed my bag. I didn't look at nobody. 1179 00:42:41.519 --> 00:42:44.522 I just walked off the tarmac. 1180 00:42:44.564 --> 00:42:47.150 I walked the fuck off the tarmac. 1181 00:42:47.192 --> 00:42:48.902 I saved myself. 1182 00:42:49.944 --> 00:42:51.321 I could hear my friends. 1183 00:42:51.363 --> 00:42:53.365 They was like, "Kev, grab the bag with the drugs. 1184 00:42:53.406 --> 00:42:55.116 "Get the bag with the drugs. 1185 00:42:55.158 --> 00:42:56.409 "Get the bag with the drugs. 1186 00:42:56.451 --> 00:42:57.911 Get the bag with the drugs." 1187 00:42:57.952 --> 00:43:01.247 I said, "No hable ingles." 1188 00:43:02.791 --> 00:43:07.212 "No hable ingles. 1189 00:43:07.253 --> 00:43:09.422 "Y'all going to jail. 1190 00:43:09.464 --> 00:43:10.965 Jail-io, all y'all." 1191 00:43:12.967 --> 00:43:14.177 "I'm going to the resort. 1192 00:43:14.219 --> 00:43:16.638 "Maybe I'll see you there. Maybe I won't. 1193 00:43:16.680 --> 00:43:19.474 I didn't bring the drugs. You did." 1194 00:43:19.516 --> 00:43:22.310 That's what I did. I went to the fucking resort. 1195 00:43:22.352 --> 00:43:25.105 I was at that bitch for two hours by myself. 1196 00:43:25.146 --> 00:43:26.606 At that point, I just figured. 1197 00:43:26.648 --> 00:43:27.816 You know, I guess it is what it is. 1198 00:43:27.857 --> 00:43:30.276 I don't know. 1199 00:43:30.318 --> 00:43:32.570 They all got there in, like, two hours and 30 minutes. 1200 00:43:32.612 --> 00:43:33.780 Nobody went to jail. 1201 00:43:33.822 --> 00:43:35.824 Everybody made it through. 1202 00:43:35.865 --> 00:43:36.866 Here's why I gotta do better as a friend, 1203 00:43:36.908 --> 00:43:38.284 'cause I'm the first one. 1204 00:43:38.326 --> 00:43:40.704 I'm the first person after everybody gets settled. 1205 00:43:40.745 --> 00:43:41.830 Everybody gets situated, settled, 1206 00:43:41.871 --> 00:43:43.248 and everybody's relaxed. 1207 00:43:43.289 --> 00:43:44.416 I'm the first one to go, 1208 00:43:44.457 --> 00:43:45.583 "Yo. 1209 00:43:45.625 --> 00:43:48.003 "Hey. 1210 00:43:48.044 --> 00:43:49.129 "Look. 1211 00:43:49.170 --> 00:43:51.047 "Yo. 1212 00:43:51.089 --> 00:43:53.591 "Let me-- 1213 00:43:53.633 --> 00:43:54.801 "Let me get a little bit of that weed. 1214 00:43:54.843 --> 00:43:56.177 Where the weed at?" 1215 00:43:57.887 --> 00:44:01.474 "We did it! 1216 00:44:01.516 --> 00:44:04.102 "We made it through, man. 1217 00:44:04.144 --> 00:44:07.522 Teamwork made the dream work, baby." 1218 00:44:07.564 --> 00:44:08.690 "Shut the fuck up, Kev." 1219 00:44:08.732 --> 00:44:10.233 "All right, I understand." 1220 00:44:12.027 --> 00:44:14.279 My friends are special. 1221 00:44:14.320 --> 00:44:16.781 I got a good group, man. I got a real good group. 1222 00:44:16.823 --> 00:44:18.116 I do. 1223 00:44:18.158 --> 00:44:19.284 Every time that they have had to be there, 1224 00:44:19.325 --> 00:44:20.535 they've been there. 1225 00:44:20.577 --> 00:44:21.661 My friends have never not been there for me. 1226 00:44:21.703 --> 00:44:22.871 There's only one time 1227 00:44:22.912 --> 00:44:24.414 where they had to, like, reel me back, 1228 00:44:24.456 --> 00:44:26.833 where I was in too deep and they had to, like, grab me 1229 00:44:26.875 --> 00:44:28.585 and make me get ahold of myself. 1230 00:44:28.626 --> 00:44:32.005 This is when social media in the beginning stages, like, 1231 00:44:32.047 --> 00:44:33.381 was getting out of hand a little bit, 1232 00:44:33.423 --> 00:44:35.383 when the live feature had first started. 1233 00:44:35.425 --> 00:44:36.968 You can go live. 1234 00:44:37.010 --> 00:44:38.136 You can click on somebody's live. 1235 00:44:38.178 --> 00:44:40.305 The whole world can watch your live. 1236 00:44:40.347 --> 00:44:41.598 Gotta remember, I got a lot of followers 1237 00:44:41.639 --> 00:44:42.640 on social media. 1238 00:44:42.682 --> 00:44:43.850 200-some million people. 1239 00:44:43.892 --> 00:44:45.143 That shit can go to your head. 1240 00:44:45.185 --> 00:44:46.603 I was treating it like a fucking weapon. 1241 00:44:46.644 --> 00:44:49.356 I wish you would tell me you couldn't do something. 1242 00:44:49.397 --> 00:44:50.607 I was snapping, 1243 00:44:50.648 --> 00:44:52.984 showing up in restaurants with no reservation. 1244 00:44:53.026 --> 00:44:55.236 Kevin Hart. I need a table for 25. 1245 00:44:55.278 --> 00:44:56.404 Did you call? 1246 00:44:56.446 --> 00:44:57.781 Bitch, you want me to go live right now? 1247 00:44:57.822 --> 00:45:00.158 Shut this whole fucking place down. 1248 00:45:00.200 --> 00:45:01.326 Kev, chill. Shut up, bitch, 1249 00:45:01.368 --> 00:45:02.369 before I go live on you. 1250 00:45:02.410 --> 00:45:03.411 Everybody back up. 1251 00:45:03.453 --> 00:45:04.371 Back the fuck up right now. 1252 00:45:04.412 --> 00:45:05.622 Get back. 1253 00:45:05.663 --> 00:45:07.957 Everybody get the fuck back before I go live. 1254 00:45:07.999 --> 00:45:10.460 I lost my mind. 1255 00:45:10.502 --> 00:45:12.837 What it was is, social media was getting so negative. 1256 00:45:12.879 --> 00:45:14.756 It was way too negative. 1257 00:45:14.798 --> 00:45:17.467 I was consuming too much negativity. 1258 00:45:17.509 --> 00:45:19.052 I'ma tell you the video that really made me back off 1259 00:45:19.094 --> 00:45:20.720 social media, made me put it down. 1260 00:45:20.762 --> 00:45:22.555 When you guys leave, I want you to Google this as well. 1261 00:45:22.597 --> 00:45:24.891 This is Googleable as well. 1262 00:45:24.933 --> 00:45:26.810 It's a video of a barista arguing 1263 00:45:26.851 --> 00:45:28.228 with a woman in a coffee shop. 1264 00:45:28.269 --> 00:45:29.396 She's arguing with the woman 'cause the woman's 1265 00:45:29.437 --> 00:45:30.438 not wearing a mask. 1266 00:45:30.480 --> 00:45:31.523 Woman without a mask goes, 1267 00:45:31.564 --> 00:45:32.816 "Can I get a little cup of coffee?" 1268 00:45:32.857 --> 00:45:33.775 Says, "I can't serve you 'cause you're not 1269 00:45:33.817 --> 00:45:34.984 wearing a mask." 1270 00:45:35.026 --> 00:45:36.027 She says, "I just want a little cup." 1271 00:45:36.069 --> 00:45:37.445 "Don't matter what you want. 1272 00:45:37.487 --> 00:45:38.780 You're not wearing a mask. I can't give you nothing." 1273 00:45:38.822 --> 00:45:39.906 She said, "Come on, don't be a bitch." 1274 00:45:39.948 --> 00:45:41.199 "Don't call me a bitch." 1275 00:45:41.241 --> 00:45:42.659 "Well, you being a bitch." "Fuck you, bitch." 1276 00:45:42.701 --> 00:45:44.035 "Fuck you, bitch." "Dumb bitch." 1277 00:45:44.077 --> 00:45:45.745 "Stupid bitch." "Ho bitch." 1278 00:45:45.787 --> 00:45:46.913 "Slut bitch." 1279 00:45:46.955 --> 00:45:48.456 Out of nowhere, the woman without a mask 1280 00:45:48.498 --> 00:45:50.125 pulls her pants down, takes a shit, 1281 00:45:50.166 --> 00:45:52.752 starts throwing it behind the person. 1282 00:45:52.794 --> 00:45:54.254 Yeah. Don't believe me? Google it. 1283 00:45:54.295 --> 00:45:57.257 Google it when you fucking leave. 1284 00:45:57.298 --> 00:45:58.967 Now, your reaction is different from mine. 1285 00:45:59.009 --> 00:46:00.510 I was blown away. 1286 00:46:00.552 --> 00:46:03.054 I was blown away by this woman's ability 1287 00:46:03.096 --> 00:46:04.973 to shit on command. 1288 00:46:05.015 --> 00:46:07.267 I've never seen anything like it. 1289 00:46:07.308 --> 00:46:09.978 She didn't shit on the floor and pick it up and throw it. 1290 00:46:10.020 --> 00:46:11.438 These were individual nuggets. 1291 00:46:11.479 --> 00:46:12.814 Bow! 1292 00:46:13.732 --> 00:46:14.983 Bow! 1293 00:46:15.775 --> 00:46:17.152 Bow! 1294 00:46:17.193 --> 00:46:18.236 Three. 1295 00:46:18.278 --> 00:46:20.447 Three solid rockets out of the ass. 1296 00:46:21.865 --> 00:46:23.283 You gotta watch the fucking video. 1297 00:46:23.324 --> 00:46:25.910 In the middle of the video, a Black girl just run by. 1298 00:46:25.952 --> 00:46:27.954 "They throwing shit in here." 1299 00:46:29.456 --> 00:46:30.874 You can hear her. 1300 00:46:30.915 --> 00:46:34.044 "They don't pay me enough for this shit." 1301 00:46:34.085 --> 00:46:36.004 You gotta watch the fucking video. 1302 00:46:37.547 --> 00:46:39.883 Shit that really made me laugh is the guy taping it, 1303 00:46:39.924 --> 00:46:41.301 'cause he in the corner. 1304 00:46:41.343 --> 00:46:43.345 You can't see him. This is what he says. 1305 00:46:43.386 --> 00:46:46.931 He goes, "This the best angle I could get, y'all." 1306 00:46:49.476 --> 00:46:53.063 Who asked for this footage, sir? 1307 00:46:53.104 --> 00:46:55.815 They're throwing shit in there. 1308 00:46:55.857 --> 00:46:57.233 I don't know about y'all, but if I get hit 1309 00:46:57.275 --> 00:46:59.903 with a piece of shit, my life is over. 1310 00:46:59.944 --> 00:47:01.863 It's over for me. 1311 00:47:01.905 --> 00:47:04.199 A piece of human shit 1312 00:47:04.240 --> 00:47:07.535 to the temple at 7:00 a.m.? 1313 00:47:07.577 --> 00:47:10.246 Fuck that. Fuck that. 1314 00:47:10.288 --> 00:47:12.165 Put your dick in my grits. 1315 00:47:12.207 --> 00:47:16.169 I'll take dick in grits all day. 1316 00:47:16.211 --> 00:47:21.049 Slam your dick in my grits, Mr. Dick Slammer. 1317 00:47:21.091 --> 00:47:22.926 I don't want to get hit with a piece of shit 1318 00:47:22.967 --> 00:47:25.345 in the goddamn temple. 1319 00:47:25.387 --> 00:47:28.348 You're never gonna live that down. 1320 00:47:28.390 --> 00:47:31.685 7:00 a.m., you in the best mood of your fucking life. 1321 00:47:31.726 --> 00:47:33.061 Good morning. 1322 00:47:33.103 --> 00:47:34.562 How y'all doing? 1323 00:47:34.604 --> 00:47:36.314 Hey, Carl, let me get two vanilla lattes 1324 00:47:36.356 --> 00:47:38.566 and two extra pumps of syrup. 1325 00:47:38.608 --> 00:47:40.026 Yeah. 1326 00:47:40.068 --> 00:47:41.695 You too, man. I know that's right. 1327 00:47:41.736 --> 00:47:43.863 Yeah. 1328 00:47:43.905 --> 00:47:45.448 The fuck just happened? 1329 00:47:47.742 --> 00:47:49.619 The fuck just happened in here? 1330 00:47:54.582 --> 00:47:56.084 Something just hit me in the fucking head. 1331 00:47:56.126 --> 00:47:58.211 What the fuck? 1332 00:47:58.253 --> 00:47:59.379 What the fuck is this? 1333 00:47:59.421 --> 00:48:01.464 What the fuck is going on with this? 1334 00:48:01.506 --> 00:48:02.507 Now, hold on, now. 1335 00:48:02.549 --> 00:48:04.384 Now, hold on. 1336 00:48:04.426 --> 00:48:06.511 This better not be what the fuck I think it is. 1337 00:48:09.639 --> 00:48:10.807 This is shit. 1338 00:48:10.849 --> 00:48:13.852 Somebody just hit me with a piece of shit. 1339 00:48:13.893 --> 00:48:15.770 You gotta ask the question you thought you would never 1340 00:48:15.812 --> 00:48:17.939 ask in your goddamn life. 1341 00:48:17.981 --> 00:48:22.277 Who just threw that piece of shit at me? 1342 00:48:22.318 --> 00:48:24.571 I want to see everybody hands. 1343 00:48:24.612 --> 00:48:27.741 If I see shit on anybody hands, I swear to God. 1344 00:48:27.782 --> 00:48:29.909 "Hey, I got grits on my dick. 1345 00:48:29.951 --> 00:48:32.996 "That's as far as I go. 1346 00:48:33.038 --> 00:48:35.248 I ain't that nasty. That's nasty, now." 1347 00:48:35.290 --> 00:48:36.541 "Throwing shit is disgusting. 1348 00:48:36.583 --> 00:48:38.168 "I'll put my dick in grits all day. 1349 00:48:38.209 --> 00:48:40.462 That's where I draw the line." 1350 00:48:41.796 --> 00:48:43.089 Social media. 1351 00:48:43.131 --> 00:48:45.008 Social media had me fucked up. 1352 00:48:45.050 --> 00:48:46.426 Social media had me believing 1353 00:48:46.468 --> 00:48:49.346 that I was an activist for one day. 1354 00:48:49.387 --> 00:48:51.598 For one day I, got caught up. 1355 00:48:51.639 --> 00:48:53.224 I got caught up bad, man. 1356 00:48:53.266 --> 00:48:55.101 This is when the George Floyd stuff happened. 1357 00:48:55.143 --> 00:48:57.145 Black Lives Matter protests was going on. 1358 00:48:57.187 --> 00:48:59.439 I was pissed. I was emotional. 1359 00:48:59.481 --> 00:49:01.232 Went on Twitter, tweeted some shit. 1360 00:49:01.274 --> 00:49:03.443 Sick of this shit. 1361 00:49:08.573 --> 00:49:10.825 Tweet. 1362 00:49:10.867 --> 00:49:11.951 People start retweeting it. 1363 00:49:11.993 --> 00:49:13.453 Fuck yeah, Kev. Hell yeah, Kev. 1364 00:49:13.495 --> 00:49:15.538 That's what I'm talking about. Talk your shit. 1365 00:49:15.580 --> 00:49:17.040 Say it again for the people in the back that didn't hear you. 1366 00:49:17.082 --> 00:49:19.709 Fine, I will. 1367 00:49:23.797 --> 00:49:25.048 Tweet. 1368 00:49:25.090 --> 00:49:26.633 Hell yeah, Kev. 1369 00:49:26.675 --> 00:49:28.635 That's what I'm talking about, Black man. 1370 00:49:28.677 --> 00:49:30.595 Way to talk your shit, Black man. 1371 00:49:30.637 --> 00:49:32.889 Way to be there for your people, Black king. 1372 00:49:32.931 --> 00:49:35.684 [gasps] 1373 00:49:35.725 --> 00:49:36.935 He called me a Black king. 1374 00:49:36.976 --> 00:49:39.020 I ain't never been called a Black king before. 1375 00:49:39.062 --> 00:49:40.397 Shit went right to my head. 1376 00:49:40.438 --> 00:49:41.815 Yeah. 1377 00:49:41.856 --> 00:49:44.067 Yeah. 1378 00:49:45.610 --> 00:49:46.945 My people need me. 1379 00:49:46.986 --> 00:49:48.780 They need me. 1380 00:49:48.822 --> 00:49:51.491 Sent out, like, 1,000 fucking tweets. 1381 00:49:51.533 --> 00:49:53.660 I was doing a movie for Universal at the time. 1382 00:49:53.702 --> 00:49:55.078 Universal called me. 1383 00:49:55.120 --> 00:49:56.579 Whoa. 1384 00:49:58.707 --> 00:50:00.333 Whoa. 1385 00:50:00.375 --> 00:50:03.837 They're like, "Kev, hey. 1386 00:50:03.878 --> 00:50:05.088 "We saw your tweets. 1387 00:50:05.130 --> 00:50:06.339 "Listen, first of all, we're with you. 1388 00:50:06.381 --> 00:50:07.757 "OK? We're your partners. 1389 00:50:07.799 --> 00:50:09.467 We're here for you. We got your back." 1390 00:50:09.509 --> 00:50:10.760 By the way, they're talking to me like this 1391 00:50:10.802 --> 00:50:12.303 because they believe that I'm an activist. 1392 00:50:12.345 --> 00:50:13.847 Once again, I'm not an activist. 1393 00:50:13.888 --> 00:50:15.140 I'm just caught up in the shit. 1394 00:50:15.181 --> 00:50:16.933 When you start the shit, you can't stop the shit 1395 00:50:16.975 --> 00:50:18.018 till you finish the shit. 1396 00:50:18.059 --> 00:50:19.811 I'm in the shit. 1397 00:50:19.853 --> 00:50:21.062 They said, "Kev, listen. 1398 00:50:21.104 --> 00:50:22.272 "You want to take the company plane, 1399 00:50:22.313 --> 00:50:23.773 "go down there to the memorial service? 1400 00:50:23.815 --> 00:50:25.233 "You want to take your friends, family? 1401 00:50:25.275 --> 00:50:27.193 "You can, all right? We'll send some partners. 1402 00:50:27.235 --> 00:50:28.361 "We'll make it a teachable moment. 1403 00:50:28.403 --> 00:50:29.612 "All you gotta do is say the word. 1404 00:50:29.654 --> 00:50:31.197 "Do you want the plane? Say the word, Kev. 1405 00:50:31.239 --> 00:50:33.158 It's yours. Do you want the plane?" 1406 00:50:38.830 --> 00:50:41.249 Fuck yeah, I want the plane. 1407 00:50:41.291 --> 00:50:43.209 They gave me the goddamn plane. 1408 00:50:43.251 --> 00:50:44.294 This is big. 1409 00:50:44.336 --> 00:50:45.628 I show up at the plane. 1410 00:50:45.670 --> 00:50:47.547 By the way, I didn't know what to bring. 1411 00:50:47.589 --> 00:50:49.591 I didn't pack any bags. This is my first activist trip. 1412 00:50:49.632 --> 00:50:51.718 I just showed up. 1413 00:50:51.760 --> 00:50:53.386 When I get there, the first two people I see 1414 00:50:53.428 --> 00:50:55.764 is Tyrese and Ludacris, right? 1415 00:50:55.805 --> 00:50:57.223 First two people. Yeah. 1416 00:50:57.265 --> 00:50:58.683 When I saw them, I knew. 1417 00:50:58.725 --> 00:51:00.143 I knew off the bat that this was a fucking mistake. 1418 00:51:00.185 --> 00:51:01.686 "I want to go home." 1419 00:51:01.728 --> 00:51:02.812 I said that. 1420 00:51:02.854 --> 00:51:05.357 I want to go home. It don't look right. 1421 00:51:05.398 --> 00:51:07.192 Why the fuck they send the cast of "Fast & Furious" 1422 00:51:07.233 --> 00:51:08.193 out this bitch? 1423 00:51:08.234 --> 00:51:10.111 It don't look right. 1424 00:51:12.113 --> 00:51:13.239 I get on the goddamn plane. 1425 00:51:13.281 --> 00:51:14.574 T.I. come out the bathroom. 1426 00:51:14.616 --> 00:51:15.575 He looked at me. 1427 00:51:15.617 --> 00:51:16.701 He said, "Kev, you think they got 1428 00:51:16.743 --> 00:51:17.994 metal detectors where we're going?" 1429 00:51:18.036 --> 00:51:19.621 I said, "Why the fuck would you ask me that?" 1430 00:51:19.662 --> 00:51:20.872 He said, "'Cause I want to know if I should bring my bag." 1431 00:51:20.914 --> 00:51:22.332 I said, "What's in your bag? 1432 00:51:22.374 --> 00:51:24.751 "And before you tell me, you should know that I'll tell. 1433 00:51:24.793 --> 00:51:27.420 "I'll fucking tell. 1434 00:51:27.462 --> 00:51:29.839 Ain't got time to deal with your shit, Tip." 1435 00:51:31.424 --> 00:51:32.550 We on the plane, they want to talk. 1436 00:51:32.592 --> 00:51:34.344 I don't want to talk. I had a long day. 1437 00:51:34.386 --> 00:51:35.762 I'm going to sleep. 1438 00:51:35.804 --> 00:51:37.722 I wake up, nobody's dressed the way they were 1439 00:51:37.764 --> 00:51:39.474 when I got on the goddamn plane. 1440 00:51:39.516 --> 00:51:41.267 Everybody's got on activist wear. 1441 00:51:41.309 --> 00:51:42.352 They're wearing all black. 1442 00:51:42.394 --> 00:51:44.145 By the way, nobody told me. 1443 00:51:44.187 --> 00:51:48.608 I got a goddamn salmon-colored V-neck on and some khakis. 1444 00:51:48.650 --> 00:51:50.318 Looking like Carlton in his prime. 1445 00:51:50.360 --> 00:51:51.486 Nobody told me. 1446 00:51:53.321 --> 00:51:55.740 Tyrese got on the black beret, black sunglasses, 1447 00:51:55.782 --> 00:51:57.784 black turtleneck, black leather trench coat, 1448 00:51:57.826 --> 00:52:00.120 these black cargo pants, and these combat boots 1449 00:52:00.161 --> 00:52:01.371 that came above his knee. 1450 00:52:01.413 --> 00:52:02.956 He looked like a male Mary J. Blige. 1451 00:52:02.997 --> 00:52:06.710 I've never seen anything like it in my fucking life. 1452 00:52:06.751 --> 00:52:09.713 I've never seen nothing like it. 1453 00:52:09.754 --> 00:52:11.339 Luda had his Afro picked out. 1454 00:52:11.381 --> 00:52:13.299 Tip got a fucking jumpsuit on. 1455 00:52:13.341 --> 00:52:15.677 It's ridiculous. 1456 00:52:15.719 --> 00:52:16.594 We get in an SUV. 1457 00:52:16.636 --> 00:52:17.679 We go to the memorial service. 1458 00:52:17.721 --> 00:52:19.514 When we pull up, they outside protesting. 1459 00:52:19.556 --> 00:52:20.932 Black people all in the street. 1460 00:52:20.974 --> 00:52:22.684 Cops lined up down the side of the street 1461 00:52:22.726 --> 00:52:24.060 with riot gear on. 1462 00:52:24.102 --> 00:52:26.646 Black man in the middle with a bullhorn going off. 1463 00:52:26.688 --> 00:52:28.481 Black Lives Matter, and if you don't think they matter, 1464 00:52:28.523 --> 00:52:29.607 then you're part of the problem. 1465 00:52:29.649 --> 00:52:30.984 And today we find a solution. 1466 00:52:31.026 --> 00:52:32.402 The solution is death. 1467 00:52:32.444 --> 00:52:34.112 Every Black person that showed up here today 1468 00:52:34.154 --> 00:52:35.155 is willing to die. 1469 00:52:35.196 --> 00:52:37.282 We will all die today. 1470 00:52:37.323 --> 00:52:38.742 We don't give a fuck about life. 1471 00:52:38.783 --> 00:52:40.827 If you Black and you here, it's 'cause you came to die. 1472 00:52:40.869 --> 00:52:43.329 If you Black and you in this circle around me, 1473 00:52:43.371 --> 00:52:44.998 it's 'cause you ready to die first. 1474 00:52:45.040 --> 00:52:46.332 I look down. 1475 00:52:46.374 --> 00:52:47.876 I'm in the fucking circle. 1476 00:52:47.917 --> 00:52:50.545 I said, "Wait a minute. 1477 00:52:50.587 --> 00:52:52.088 "That's not why I came. I didn't come for that. 1478 00:52:52.130 --> 00:52:54.215 "That's not why I'm here. 1479 00:52:54.257 --> 00:52:55.884 "Once again, I don't think y'all have my email address, 1480 00:52:55.925 --> 00:52:57.135 "'cause I'm not getting these messages. 1481 00:52:57.177 --> 00:52:58.511 I'm not getting these messages." 1482 00:52:58.553 --> 00:53:00.513 But I don't want to stop what they got going on, 1483 00:53:00.555 --> 00:53:01.806 so I try to back out the circle 1484 00:53:01.848 --> 00:53:03.767 without drawing attention to myself. 1485 00:53:03.808 --> 00:53:04.642 He see me. 1486 00:53:04.684 --> 00:53:06.019 He go, "Oh, shit, Kev Hart." 1487 00:53:06.061 --> 00:53:07.687 "I see you, Black king. 1488 00:53:07.729 --> 00:53:09.356 "Way to come out here and be with your people. 1489 00:53:09.397 --> 00:53:10.565 Say something to your people." 1490 00:53:10.607 --> 00:53:11.858 He throw me the bullhorn. 1491 00:53:11.900 --> 00:53:13.360 [grunts] 1492 00:53:13.401 --> 00:53:16.321 I catch it. 1493 00:53:16.363 --> 00:53:18.281 Now I gotta give a speech. 1494 00:53:18.323 --> 00:53:19.449 I've never given an activist speech. 1495 00:53:19.491 --> 00:53:21.034 I don't know what the fuck to say, 1496 00:53:21.076 --> 00:53:22.369 but I cannot say nothing. 1497 00:53:22.410 --> 00:53:24.537 I have to say something. 1498 00:53:24.579 --> 00:53:27.916 Tyrese stupid ass standing behind me 1499 00:53:27.957 --> 00:53:29.876 saying lines from "Fast & Furious" 1500 00:53:29.918 --> 00:53:31.419 in my fucking ear. 1501 00:53:33.713 --> 00:53:36.049 "We family, and we gonna be family." 1502 00:53:36.091 --> 00:53:37.592 "What?" 1503 00:53:37.634 --> 00:53:39.386 "All we got is family." 1504 00:53:39.427 --> 00:53:41.471 "Get the fuck back, Tyrese!" 1505 00:53:42.597 --> 00:53:44.766 He gonna back up just like Mary. 1506 00:53:50.563 --> 00:53:52.273 Now I gotta give a speech. 1507 00:53:52.315 --> 00:53:54.359 You ever say something and while you're saying something, 1508 00:53:54.401 --> 00:53:55.568 you realize you're not saying nothing 1509 00:53:55.610 --> 00:53:56.736 but you gotta keep trying to say something 1510 00:53:56.778 --> 00:53:59.030 even though you know it's nothing? 1511 00:53:59.072 --> 00:54:00.156 That was my fucking speech. 1512 00:54:00.198 --> 00:54:01.282 This is my speech word-for-word. 1513 00:54:01.324 --> 00:54:02.659 Verbatim, this is my speech. 1514 00:54:05.286 --> 00:54:06.788 A'ight. 1515 00:54:08.623 --> 00:54:11.376 Y'all already know what it is, 1516 00:54:11.418 --> 00:54:13.378 and what it is is what it's gonna be. 1517 00:54:15.171 --> 00:54:17.841 'Cause at the end of the day, hey. 1518 00:54:17.882 --> 00:54:19.009 Come on, now. 1519 00:54:20.927 --> 00:54:23.346 Don't make me sad. 1520 00:54:23.388 --> 00:54:27.767 1 plus 1 gonna be 2 every day. 1521 00:54:27.809 --> 00:54:29.269 I got enemies. 1522 00:54:29.310 --> 00:54:31.104 I got a lot of enemies, 1523 00:54:31.146 --> 00:54:33.815 but if I tell you a duck could pull a truck, strap it up. 1524 00:54:33.857 --> 00:54:35.608 Shut the fuck up. 1525 00:54:37.318 --> 00:54:38.611 I panicked. 1526 00:54:38.653 --> 00:54:39.946 I ran out of shit to say. 1527 00:54:39.988 --> 00:54:41.322 I panicked. 1528 00:54:44.325 --> 00:54:46.953 T.I. got a gun in his bag right now. 1529 00:54:50.206 --> 00:54:52.042 He a repeat offender. 1530 00:54:52.083 --> 00:54:54.336 Repeat offender. 1531 00:54:56.796 --> 00:54:58.256 I felt bad, 'cause they locked him up. 1532 00:54:58.298 --> 00:55:00.925 They locked his ass up right there. 1533 00:55:00.967 --> 00:55:02.510 But at the same time, I did my job. 1534 00:55:02.552 --> 00:55:04.137 That's one less bad person on the streets. 1535 00:55:04.179 --> 00:55:06.639 You're welcome. 1536 00:55:06.681 --> 00:55:07.974 I asked God for another chance. 1537 00:55:08.016 --> 00:55:09.309 I said, "God, please give me another chance 1538 00:55:09.351 --> 00:55:11.561 to be an activist, 'cause I did that one wrong." 1539 00:55:11.603 --> 00:55:12.937 God gave me another chance. 1540 00:55:12.979 --> 00:55:14.647 They were doing a peaceful protest in Beverly Hills. 1541 00:55:14.689 --> 00:55:16.816 Black people were marching. I'm going. 1542 00:55:16.858 --> 00:55:18.443 I need to be out there with my fucking people. 1543 00:55:18.485 --> 00:55:20.278 This time, I'ma do it right. 1544 00:55:20.320 --> 00:55:22.655 I brought a glove. I made a sign. 1545 00:55:22.697 --> 00:55:24.657 Spent all day making my goddamn sign. 1546 00:55:24.699 --> 00:55:27.160 Put blood, sweat, and tears into this goddamn sign. 1547 00:55:27.202 --> 00:55:30.205 I wanted people to read my sign and get an immediate feeling 1548 00:55:30.246 --> 00:55:31.414 attached to emotion. 1549 00:55:31.456 --> 00:55:33.875 I wanted that sign to have an impact. 1550 00:55:33.917 --> 00:55:35.293 Made that sign. 1551 00:55:35.335 --> 00:55:36.836 I went out there and marched, held my sign up high. 1552 00:55:36.878 --> 00:55:38.296 I'll never fucking forget it. 1553 00:55:38.338 --> 00:55:39.673 Marching. 1554 00:55:39.714 --> 00:55:41.299 While I'm marching, I hear this noise. 1555 00:55:41.341 --> 00:55:42.676 Psss. 1556 00:55:42.717 --> 00:55:43.843 That's what I heard. 1557 00:55:43.885 --> 00:55:45.637 Psss. 1558 00:55:45.679 --> 00:55:47.180 When I first heard it, first thing I thought is, 1559 00:55:47.222 --> 00:55:48.348 somebody pissed my dad off. 1560 00:55:48.390 --> 00:55:49.349 He giving himself a boost. 1561 00:55:49.391 --> 00:55:51.184 That's my dad, right? 1562 00:55:51.226 --> 00:55:52.394 He about to fuck somebody up. 1563 00:55:52.435 --> 00:55:54.562 20 seconds. It's going down. 1564 00:55:54.604 --> 00:55:55.980 But then somebody yelled out, "Oh, my God. 1565 00:55:56.022 --> 00:55:57.232 "They're throwing tear gas at us. 1566 00:55:57.273 --> 00:55:58.525 Run!" "What?" 1567 00:55:58.566 --> 00:56:00.402 "They throwing tear gas. Run!" 1568 00:56:00.443 --> 00:56:01.986 I see it. [coughing] 1569 00:56:02.028 --> 00:56:03.655 That's real tear gas. Fuck. 1570 00:56:03.697 --> 00:56:05.240 I'm in it. I'm in the shit. 1571 00:56:05.281 --> 00:56:06.282 I start running. 1572 00:56:06.324 --> 00:56:07.450 This is real chaos. 1573 00:56:07.492 --> 00:56:08.451 This is not a joke. 1574 00:56:08.493 --> 00:56:10.036 I'm in the middle of it. 1575 00:56:10.078 --> 00:56:11.871 While I'm running, fucking I'm in there, 1576 00:56:11.913 --> 00:56:13.206 the Black guy in the front goes, 1577 00:56:13.248 --> 00:56:14.666 "Hey, y'all know the drill. 1578 00:56:14.708 --> 00:56:15.709 We ain't new to this. 1579 00:56:15.750 --> 00:56:18.086 Mask up. Put your goggles on." 1580 00:56:23.758 --> 00:56:24.801 Ain't nobody tell me to bring-- 1581 00:56:24.843 --> 00:56:25.885 I don't have no goddamn goggles. 1582 00:56:25.927 --> 00:56:27.303 Where I'm supposed to get goggles? 1583 00:56:27.345 --> 00:56:29.389 Once again, I don't think y'all have my email address. 1584 00:56:29.431 --> 00:56:32.392 I'm not getting these messages. 1585 00:56:32.434 --> 00:56:33.601 While we running, Black guy next to me 1586 00:56:33.643 --> 00:56:34.644 gets shot with a rubber bullet. 1587 00:56:34.686 --> 00:56:36.479 Bow! I'm right here. 1588 00:56:36.521 --> 00:56:37.772 I see it. Bow! 1589 00:56:37.814 --> 00:56:41.192 He said, "Fuck!" [growls] 1590 00:56:41.234 --> 00:56:42.902 He said...[groans] He looked right at me. 1591 00:56:42.944 --> 00:56:45.405 He said...[groans] "I hate this part." 1592 00:56:45.447 --> 00:56:49.117 I said, "Excuse me, sir?" 1593 00:56:49.159 --> 00:56:51.411 "This part? 1594 00:56:51.453 --> 00:56:54.414 Well, how many parts are there, sir?" 1595 00:56:54.456 --> 00:56:56.666 Now I'm fucking scared. 1596 00:56:56.708 --> 00:56:58.918 I pick up the pace. I start running. 1597 00:56:58.960 --> 00:57:00.086 I catch up to the Black guy in the front. 1598 00:57:00.128 --> 00:57:03.298 I grab his arm. I said, "Hey, man. Hey! 1599 00:57:03.340 --> 00:57:04.424 "What's the plan? 1600 00:57:04.466 --> 00:57:06.343 What's the fucking plan?" 1601 00:57:06.384 --> 00:57:08.219 He looked me dead in the eyes. I'll never forget it. 1602 00:57:08.261 --> 00:57:09.596 I said, "What's the plan?" 1603 00:57:09.637 --> 00:57:12.098 He said, "Nigga, you better go home." 1604 00:57:12.140 --> 00:57:14.351 I said, "What?" 1605 00:57:14.392 --> 00:57:16.561 "Nigga, you better take your stupid ass home, 1606 00:57:16.603 --> 00:57:19.064 "out here running around in them dumb-ass khakis, 1607 00:57:19.105 --> 00:57:21.775 "holding up that stupid-ass sign. 1608 00:57:21.816 --> 00:57:23.068 "What the fuck does that sign say? 1609 00:57:23.109 --> 00:57:24.611 Does that say, 'Black people rock'?" 1610 00:57:24.652 --> 00:57:26.571 I said, "Yes, it does." 1611 00:57:27.405 --> 00:57:29.324 He said, "What the fuck that got to do with anything?" 1612 00:57:29.366 --> 00:57:31.659 I said, "Mm-mm-mm." 1613 00:57:31.701 --> 00:57:32.869 He said, "Take your stupid ass home 1614 00:57:32.911 --> 00:57:33.995 before you get yourself killed." 1615 00:57:34.037 --> 00:57:36.331 I got emotional. I start crying. 1616 00:57:36.373 --> 00:57:37.749 "I can't. It's not that easy. 1617 00:57:37.791 --> 00:57:39.501 I can't just leave. I can't." 1618 00:57:39.542 --> 00:57:41.127 He said, "Why not?" 1619 00:57:41.169 --> 00:57:42.671 I said, "Because I don't know where I parked at. 1620 00:57:42.712 --> 00:57:44.964 We been running for a long time." 1621 00:57:45.006 --> 00:57:46.800 I took out my valet ticket. I gave it to him. 1622 00:57:46.841 --> 00:57:49.803 I said, "Can you help me find my car, please? 1623 00:57:49.844 --> 00:57:51.596 "I'll tip you if you help me find my car. 1624 00:57:51.638 --> 00:57:52.972 I'll tip you." 1625 00:57:53.014 --> 00:57:54.349 He said, "I don't know where your fucking car at. 1626 00:57:54.391 --> 00:57:56.643 You better ask one of them niggas over there." 1627 00:57:56.685 --> 00:57:59.020 I said, "Excuse me. 1628 00:57:59.062 --> 00:58:00.271 "Excuse me. 1629 00:58:00.313 --> 00:58:02.524 "Niggas over there, 1630 00:58:02.565 --> 00:58:04.067 can y'all help me find my car?" 1631 00:58:04.109 --> 00:58:05.985 One of them turned around. He was Mexican. 1632 00:58:06.027 --> 00:58:10.532 He looked at me. He said, "Oh. 1633 00:58:10.573 --> 00:58:13.827 Queso, huh?" 1634 00:58:13.868 --> 00:58:15.328 Ladies and gentlemen, that will do it for me. 1635 00:58:15.370 --> 00:58:17.372 That is my time. Thank you all. 1636 00:58:17.414 --> 00:58:19.082 [cheers and applause] 1637 00:58:19.124 --> 00:58:20.583 I appreciate you, Vegas. 1638 00:58:20.625 --> 00:58:23.211 Thank you so much. 1639 00:58:23.253 --> 00:58:27.090 From the top of this bitch to the bottom, thank you all. 1640 00:58:27.132 --> 00:58:29.175 I love you. 1641 00:58:29.217 --> 00:58:31.678 I thank you. 1642 00:58:31.720 --> 00:58:33.346 There's no me without you. 1643 00:58:33.388 --> 00:58:34.931 This was dope as fuck. 1644 00:58:34.973 --> 00:58:36.182 Peace. 1645 00:58:36.224 --> 00:58:38.893 - * He's a nerd, pop out * 1646 00:58:38.935 --> 00:58:40.437 * I ain't seen niggas hit corners * 1647 00:58:40.478 --> 00:58:41.688 * In the motherfucking burbs * 1648 00:58:41.730 --> 00:58:43.189 * Pop out * 1649 00:58:43.231 --> 00:58:44.524 * Done politicking with the competition * 1650 00:58:44.566 --> 00:58:46.192 * What's the word, yeah * 1651 00:58:46.234 --> 00:58:48.278 * Put that on my mama, nigga, eight in the process * 1652 00:58:48.319 --> 00:58:50.280 * Nigga tryin' to tippy-toe through the progress *