1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:07,340 --> 00:00:10,635 [Baby Keem and Kendrick Lamar's "Family Ties"] 3 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 4 00:00:10,677 --> 00:00:17,183 * * 5 00:00:17,225 --> 00:00:20,812 - * Bitch, jump in that, ha, ha, jump in that fire * 6 00:00:20,854 --> 00:00:23,523 * Jump in that bitch, hitting that fire * 7 00:00:23,565 --> 00:00:24,983 * Jump in that whip * 8 00:00:25,025 --> 00:00:26,192 * Thumb in that bitch * 9 00:00:26,234 --> 00:00:27,694 * Come in that bitch, ho * 10 00:00:27,736 --> 00:00:30,530 * Drumming that, ha, ha, drumming that bitch * 11 00:00:30,572 --> 00:00:31,906 * Chopper doing circles * 12 00:00:31,948 --> 00:00:34,367 * It's a bird, bird * 13 00:00:34,409 --> 00:00:36,244 * Take him to the party * 14 00:00:36,286 --> 00:00:38,455 * He's a nerd, pop out * 15 00:00:38,496 --> 00:00:40,081 * I ain't seen niggas hit corners * 16 00:00:40,123 --> 00:00:41,708 * In the motherfucking burbs * 17 00:00:41,750 --> 00:00:43,084 * Pop out * 18 00:00:43,126 --> 00:00:44,377 * Done politicking with the competition * 19 00:00:44,419 --> 00:00:46,046 * What's the word, yeah * 20 00:00:46,087 --> 00:00:47,797 * Put that on my mama, nigga, eight in the process * 21 00:00:47,839 --> 00:00:50,050 * Nigga tryin' to tippy-toe through the progress * 22 00:00:50,091 --> 00:00:52,218 * Tongue-tied when the truth is an object * 23 00:00:52,260 --> 00:00:55,388 * What's the pros and the cons of this next check * 24 00:00:55,430 --> 00:00:57,557 * Wasn't nobody round, I was independent * 25 00:00:57,599 --> 00:00:59,392 * In the '90s, sitting bum with the windows tinted * 26 00:00:59,434 --> 00:01:02,103 * Jump in that, ha, ha, jump in that fire * 27 00:01:02,145 --> 00:01:04,939 * Jump in that bitch, hitting that fire * 28 00:01:04,981 --> 00:01:06,566 * Jump in that whip * 29 00:01:06,608 --> 00:01:07,525 * Thumb in that bitch * 30 00:01:07,567 --> 00:01:08,985 * Come in that bitch, ho * 31 00:01:09,027 --> 00:01:11,529 * Drumming that, ha, ha, drumming that bitch * 32 00:01:11,571 --> 00:01:13,156 * Chopper doing circles * 33 00:01:13,198 --> 00:01:15,200 * It's a bird, bird * 34 00:01:15,241 --> 00:01:18,661 [cheers and applause] 35 00:01:18,703 --> 00:01:21,247 * Pop out, I ain't seen niggas hit corners * 36 00:01:21,289 --> 00:01:22,957 * In the motherfucking burbs * 37 00:01:22,999 --> 00:01:24,459 * Pop out * 38 00:01:24,501 --> 00:01:25,585 * Done politicking with the competition * 39 00:01:25,627 --> 00:01:27,253 * What's the word, yeah * 40 00:01:27,295 --> 00:01:29,547 * Put that on my mama, nigga, eight in the process * 41 00:01:29,589 --> 00:01:33,551 [cheers and applause continue] 42 00:01:33,593 --> 00:01:35,679 - Aw, damn. 43 00:01:38,181 --> 00:01:40,642 Thank you. Thank you. 44 00:01:42,727 --> 00:01:45,397 Y'all see this fucking bat in my hand. 45 00:01:47,148 --> 00:01:48,358 Bring your ass up to the stage, 46 00:01:48,400 --> 00:01:49,693 I'ma knock your fucking head off. 47 00:01:49,734 --> 00:01:51,444 I swear to God. 48 00:01:51,486 --> 00:01:53,446 OK? We're sick of your shit. 49 00:01:53,488 --> 00:01:55,907 We're fighting back. Don't you come up here. 50 00:01:56,783 --> 00:01:59,285 Knock your goddamn head to the top of this arena. 51 00:01:59,327 --> 00:02:01,246 Don't you come up here. 52 00:02:03,665 --> 00:02:04,708 We're about to have a good time. 53 00:02:04,749 --> 00:02:06,960 I'm excited. I'm fucking excited. 54 00:02:07,002 --> 00:02:09,671 [cheers and applause] 55 00:02:11,047 --> 00:02:13,800 All right, listen. I'ma be up here for a while. 56 00:02:13,842 --> 00:02:16,302 I'ma talk about a lot of shit while I'm up here. 57 00:02:16,344 --> 00:02:18,430 Some of the shit I say tonight is gonna be mean. 58 00:02:18,471 --> 00:02:20,849 Let it happen. Unclench your ass. 59 00:02:20,890 --> 00:02:23,476 Have a good time. That's why you're here. 60 00:02:26,521 --> 00:02:28,940 I think I want to start off by talking about people. 61 00:02:28,982 --> 00:02:30,316 That's where I want to start, 62 00:02:30,358 --> 00:02:32,610 'cause I feel like people are going backwards. 63 00:02:32,652 --> 00:02:34,279 We're taking steps in the wrong direction. 64 00:02:34,320 --> 00:02:36,322 People don't want to be themselves anymore. 65 00:02:36,364 --> 00:02:38,992 People are goddamn losing fucking confidence. 66 00:02:39,034 --> 00:02:41,494 People are trying to change, shape, and mold 67 00:02:41,536 --> 00:02:43,496 into shit that doesn't even exist. 68 00:02:43,538 --> 00:02:45,206 I'm talking about plastic surgery. 69 00:02:45,248 --> 00:02:48,001 Let's get into it. I want to talk about it. 70 00:02:48,043 --> 00:02:50,003 I want to talk about it. 71 00:02:50,045 --> 00:02:52,422 What the fuck is going on, man? 72 00:02:52,464 --> 00:02:56,885 What the fuck is going on? 73 00:02:56,926 --> 00:02:59,679 Plastic surgery is at an all-time high. 74 00:02:59,721 --> 00:03:01,014 I don't even know if you know this, but back in the day, 75 00:03:01,056 --> 00:03:02,432 plastic surgery was a secret. 76 00:03:02,474 --> 00:03:03,558 Like, nobody wanted anybody to know that they 77 00:03:03,600 --> 00:03:04,809 were getting work done. 78 00:03:04,851 --> 00:03:07,354 It was all nose jobs and titty jobs. 79 00:03:07,395 --> 00:03:09,814 Nose, titties. Nose, titties. 80 00:03:09,856 --> 00:03:12,442 Nose, titties. That's all it was. 81 00:03:12,484 --> 00:03:14,569 Back in the day, people got mad at they doctor. 82 00:03:14,611 --> 00:03:16,738 You better not say shit about what happened here today. 83 00:03:17,989 --> 00:03:19,949 Only two people that we knew that got work done 84 00:03:19,991 --> 00:03:21,117 back in the day 85 00:03:21,159 --> 00:03:22,827 was Dolly Parton and Michael Jackson. 86 00:03:22,869 --> 00:03:24,079 That's a fucking fact. 87 00:03:24,120 --> 00:03:26,206 Those are the only two people. 88 00:03:26,247 --> 00:03:27,665 Mike showed up with that new nose. 89 00:03:27,707 --> 00:03:29,334 We knew. That's not your nose, Mike. 90 00:03:29,376 --> 00:03:31,920 Something happened. 91 00:03:31,961 --> 00:03:33,797 That's not the same nose. 92 00:03:35,256 --> 00:03:36,883 Today it's different. Everybody's getting work done. 93 00:03:36,925 --> 00:03:38,385 Men, women. 94 00:03:38,426 --> 00:03:39,761 Women have taken it to a new level, though. 95 00:03:39,803 --> 00:03:42,722 The new shit that the women are doing is the BBL. 96 00:03:42,764 --> 00:03:44,224 The BBL. 97 00:03:44,265 --> 00:03:46,434 What the fuck? 98 00:03:46,476 --> 00:03:48,645 Jesus Christ. 99 00:03:48,687 --> 00:03:50,730 These bitches look like ants. 100 00:03:50,772 --> 00:03:53,024 That's right. I said it. 101 00:03:53,066 --> 00:03:56,236 They look like ants. 102 00:03:56,277 --> 00:03:57,862 Somebody's gotta say it. 103 00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:02,409 Somebody's gotta say it. 104 00:04:02,450 --> 00:04:03,743 And if you don't believe me, I challenge you 105 00:04:03,785 --> 00:04:05,453 to go look at a picture of an ant 106 00:04:05,495 --> 00:04:06,955 and tell me I'm fucking lying. 107 00:04:08,581 --> 00:04:10,792 Big-ass head, little neck. 108 00:04:10,834 --> 00:04:13,420 Hard chest, skinny waist, fat ass. 109 00:04:13,461 --> 00:04:15,964 You ever see an ant ass? 110 00:04:16,006 --> 00:04:19,592 Ants got ass. You ever see an ant ass? 111 00:04:19,634 --> 00:04:21,177 If I was an insect, I'd fuck an ant. 112 00:04:21,219 --> 00:04:22,929 Swear to God, I'd do it. 113 00:04:24,597 --> 00:04:26,141 Everybody wants change. 114 00:04:26,182 --> 00:04:28,768 Everybody's looking for change. 115 00:04:28,810 --> 00:04:31,062 A friend of mine's got a huge forehead, right? 116 00:04:31,104 --> 00:04:33,231 One of the worst foreheads I've ever seen in my fucking life. 117 00:04:33,273 --> 00:04:34,607 Huge. 118 00:04:34,649 --> 00:04:36,026 He told me the other day, he said, "Kev, 119 00:04:36,067 --> 00:04:38,528 I'm thinking about getting my forehead reduced." 120 00:04:38,570 --> 00:04:39,946 This is what he said to me. 121 00:04:39,988 --> 00:04:41,531 I couldn't believe what the fuck I heard. 122 00:04:41,573 --> 00:04:43,033 I said, "What the fuck you just say to me?" 123 00:04:43,074 --> 00:04:45,702 He said, "I'm thinking about getting my forehand reduced. 124 00:04:45,744 --> 00:04:47,746 "I already talked to my doctor. He said he can do it. 125 00:04:47,787 --> 00:04:50,749 "The average forehead is 4 fingers wide. 126 00:04:50,790 --> 00:04:54,711 "He said I got an 8- to 12-finger situation going on. 127 00:04:54,753 --> 00:04:57,547 But he can flip it down. He said he can flip it down." 128 00:04:57,589 --> 00:05:00,467 Flip it down? 129 00:05:00,508 --> 00:05:01,634 Nigga, that's not a hat. 130 00:05:01,676 --> 00:05:03,511 What are you talking about? 131 00:05:03,553 --> 00:05:06,139 It's your fucking forehead, bitch. 132 00:05:06,181 --> 00:05:07,390 What about your brain? 133 00:05:07,432 --> 00:05:09,559 He said, "Oh, he can push that back. 134 00:05:09,601 --> 00:05:11,478 "He gonna push that back. 135 00:05:11,519 --> 00:05:13,563 Raise my eyes up so I can see better." 136 00:05:13,605 --> 00:05:15,357 I bet you fucking will. 137 00:05:16,733 --> 00:05:19,486 Everybody wants change. 138 00:05:19,527 --> 00:05:22,280 LeBron James, real good friend of mine. 139 00:05:22,322 --> 00:05:23,615 Well, he was. 140 00:05:23,656 --> 00:05:25,116 He hasn't heard this joke yet. 141 00:05:25,158 --> 00:05:26,451 We'll see what happens. 142 00:05:27,786 --> 00:05:30,121 We'll see what happens. 143 00:05:30,163 --> 00:05:32,082 I remember in the beginning of LeBron career, 144 00:05:32,123 --> 00:05:33,416 he was going bald. 145 00:05:33,458 --> 00:05:35,293 His hair was real thin up top. 146 00:05:35,335 --> 00:05:39,422 You could count the hairs on top of his fucking head. 147 00:05:39,464 --> 00:05:40,674 You know how I know that? 148 00:05:40,715 --> 00:05:42,717 Because I was the one counting the hairs 149 00:05:42,759 --> 00:05:45,428 on top of his fucking head. 150 00:05:45,470 --> 00:05:47,097 One. 151 00:05:59,067 --> 00:06:01,736 Two-ish-ish. 152 00:06:03,780 --> 00:06:05,407 I didn't see Bron for, like, three weeks. 153 00:06:05,448 --> 00:06:07,450 I didn't see him, and I didn't talk to him. 154 00:06:07,492 --> 00:06:09,411 Bron showed up at a wedding I was at. 155 00:06:09,452 --> 00:06:11,621 He had a head full of hair. 156 00:06:11,663 --> 00:06:13,623 Walked in that bitch with all this confidence 157 00:06:13,665 --> 00:06:15,041 like I didn't see him three weeks ago 158 00:06:15,083 --> 00:06:17,419 with the fucking truth on his goddamn head. 159 00:06:18,461 --> 00:06:20,338 He walked in, he was like, "What up? What up? What up? 160 00:06:20,380 --> 00:06:22,173 "What up? What up? What up? What up? 161 00:06:22,215 --> 00:06:24,175 What up? What's going on?" 162 00:06:24,217 --> 00:06:28,096 I said, "What the fuck is going on with you? 163 00:06:28,138 --> 00:06:30,515 The fuck is that on your goddamn head?" 164 00:06:30,557 --> 00:06:32,142 People start kicking me. "Chill, Kev. Chill." 165 00:06:32,183 --> 00:06:34,477 I said, "Get your fucking feet off of me. 166 00:06:34,519 --> 00:06:35,937 "Ain't no chill. 167 00:06:35,979 --> 00:06:38,189 I want to know what the fuck that is on Bron head." 168 00:06:38,982 --> 00:06:41,317 I'll tell you what it's not. I knew what it wasn't. 169 00:06:41,359 --> 00:06:42,986 I knew it wasn't a goddamn toupee. 170 00:06:43,028 --> 00:06:44,154 I knew that much. 171 00:06:44,195 --> 00:06:46,031 You know how I knew it wasn't a toupee? 172 00:06:46,072 --> 00:06:48,450 Because they don't make nigga toupees. 173 00:06:48,491 --> 00:06:50,076 They never have. 174 00:06:50,994 --> 00:06:53,455 They never have. 175 00:06:53,496 --> 00:06:55,707 The fuck is that on your head, LeBron? 176 00:06:55,749 --> 00:06:58,126 Is it alive? Is it alive? 177 00:07:00,086 --> 00:07:02,130 Snatch it off right now. 178 00:07:03,423 --> 00:07:05,550 I wanted to. 179 00:07:05,592 --> 00:07:07,594 He's tall. I can't get-- no way I'm getting that, 180 00:07:07,635 --> 00:07:09,596 but you get what I'm saying. 181 00:07:11,014 --> 00:07:13,641 Everybody's looking for change. 182 00:07:13,683 --> 00:07:14,851 I got an email from a guy 183 00:07:14,893 --> 00:07:16,227 I went to high school with, right? 184 00:07:16,269 --> 00:07:17,520 Email said, "Kev, it's time for you to get yours." 185 00:07:17,562 --> 00:07:18,772 I open up the email. 186 00:07:18,813 --> 00:07:20,565 It's two pictures in the email. 187 00:07:20,607 --> 00:07:23,443 One picture was a real little man standing next to a doctor. 188 00:07:23,485 --> 00:07:24,903 He was angry. 189 00:07:26,613 --> 00:07:28,323 Next picture, that same little man 190 00:07:28,365 --> 00:07:29,574 was taller than the doctor. 191 00:07:29,616 --> 00:07:32,869 He was giving a thumbs-up. 192 00:07:32,911 --> 00:07:34,287 Bottom of the email said, "Kev, it's time for you 193 00:07:34,329 --> 00:07:36,247 to get yours." 194 00:07:36,289 --> 00:07:38,958 I'm confused. What the fuck is going on? 195 00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:40,210 I call him. "Yo, I got your email. 196 00:07:40,251 --> 00:07:41,378 "What the fuck are you talking about? 197 00:07:41,419 --> 00:07:42,671 What are you trying to say?" 198 00:07:42,712 --> 00:07:43,880 Said, "What do you mean, what am I trying to say?" 199 00:07:43,922 --> 00:07:44,839 Said, "Exactly what I said. What is this? 200 00:07:44,881 --> 00:07:45,965 What are you trying to say?" 201 00:07:46,007 --> 00:07:47,050 He said, "They're giving out height. 202 00:07:47,092 --> 00:07:48,843 Go get you some." 203 00:07:50,011 --> 00:07:51,304 "The fuck you mean, they giving out height?" 204 00:07:51,346 --> 00:07:53,306 "Exactly what I said. They're giving out height. 205 00:07:53,348 --> 00:07:55,642 "They're taking the fat out of people backs, 206 00:07:55,684 --> 00:07:58,186 putting it in their knees." 207 00:08:04,693 --> 00:08:06,820 "They taking the fat out of people backs, 208 00:08:06,861 --> 00:08:08,905 putting it in their knees." 209 00:08:08,947 --> 00:08:10,657 He said, "Go get rid of your back fat. 210 00:08:10,699 --> 00:08:13,451 Get yourself some inches." 211 00:08:13,493 --> 00:08:16,329 I said, "I will do no such thing." 212 00:08:16,371 --> 00:08:18,665 Get rid of my goddamn back fat. 213 00:08:18,707 --> 00:08:20,959 43 years old. 214 00:08:21,001 --> 00:08:23,169 I've been 5'5" my whole life-- 215 00:08:23,211 --> 00:08:27,007 5'4"--5'2 1/2" my whole fucking life. 216 00:08:29,592 --> 00:08:32,178 Don't have to do no shit like that. 217 00:08:32,220 --> 00:08:34,889 You gotta remember, I ain't been on tour, like, four years. 218 00:08:34,931 --> 00:08:37,809 I can't just walk out this bitch 6'6" 219 00:08:37,851 --> 00:08:40,311 and not say shit about it. 220 00:08:40,353 --> 00:08:42,439 I just walk out. What up? What up? What up? 221 00:08:42,480 --> 00:08:43,606 What up? What up? What up? What up? 222 00:08:43,648 --> 00:08:45,358 What up? What up? 223 00:08:45,400 --> 00:08:47,610 What's going on? 224 00:08:47,652 --> 00:08:50,447 What the fuck is going on with you? 225 00:08:50,488 --> 00:08:51,698 Look at his goddamn knees. 226 00:08:51,740 --> 00:08:54,117 What he do to his knees? 227 00:08:54,159 --> 00:08:55,827 Why he got all them holes in his back? 228 00:08:55,869 --> 00:08:57,912 What the fuck he do to his back? 229 00:09:00,915 --> 00:09:02,208 You know what I want? 230 00:09:02,250 --> 00:09:04,502 I want people to start thinking shit through. 231 00:09:04,544 --> 00:09:07,213 I want to get back to the times when people had patience. 232 00:09:07,255 --> 00:09:09,674 You gotta slow down, start thinking shit through. 233 00:09:09,716 --> 00:09:11,176 Stop acting on impulse. 234 00:09:11,217 --> 00:09:12,802 Let's say I go get the procedure. 235 00:09:12,844 --> 00:09:16,014 I come out of it with these new knees and these long-ass legs. 236 00:09:16,056 --> 00:09:17,265 I'm 6'6". 237 00:09:17,307 --> 00:09:20,727 Look at my fucking knees and these long-ass legs. 238 00:09:20,769 --> 00:09:22,103 But I still got the same arms. 239 00:09:22,145 --> 00:09:26,066 I didn't do shit to my fucking arms. 240 00:09:27,609 --> 00:09:28,902 I didn't judge it right. 241 00:09:28,943 --> 00:09:30,278 Now I can't put my hands in my pocket 242 00:09:30,320 --> 00:09:32,155 'cause I done fucked up. 243 00:09:33,323 --> 00:09:35,408 I'm out this bitch looking like a T. rex, 244 00:09:35,450 --> 00:09:37,660 touching my chest all the time. 245 00:09:39,537 --> 00:09:40,747 Why Kev always rubbing his chest? 246 00:09:40,789 --> 00:09:42,248 Bitch, 'cause I misjudged it. 247 00:09:42,290 --> 00:09:44,334 I can't get my hands in my pockets. 248 00:09:45,877 --> 00:09:47,212 You gotta think shit through. 249 00:09:47,253 --> 00:09:48,880 Let's say I go get the procedure. 250 00:09:48,922 --> 00:09:51,800 I got these goddamn new knees, long-ass legs. 251 00:09:51,841 --> 00:09:53,760 My fucking frame, look at my chest and my shoulders. 252 00:09:53,802 --> 00:09:57,347 I'm 6'6", but I still wear a size 7 sneaker. 253 00:09:57,389 --> 00:09:59,933 I didn't do shit to my feet. 254 00:09:59,974 --> 00:10:01,768 Now I can't support the new body. 255 00:10:01,810 --> 00:10:04,020 My balance is off. 256 00:10:04,062 --> 00:10:06,523 I look like that thing that be at the car dealerships, 257 00:10:06,564 --> 00:10:09,484 that man--that air man. 258 00:10:09,526 --> 00:10:11,820 Look at me. 259 00:10:11,861 --> 00:10:14,948 You gotta think shit through. 260 00:10:14,989 --> 00:10:17,075 Stop acting on impulse. 261 00:10:18,910 --> 00:10:20,912 We're in a crazy time right now. 262 00:10:20,954 --> 00:10:23,581 We're in a real crazy time. By the way, rightfully so. 263 00:10:23,623 --> 00:10:24,833 We've been through a lot. 264 00:10:24,874 --> 00:10:26,292 Pandemic hit us hard. 265 00:10:26,334 --> 00:10:28,086 Pandemic sat us all down with nothing to do, 266 00:10:28,128 --> 00:10:29,921 gave us nothing but time to think. 267 00:10:29,963 --> 00:10:31,131 That's when people get weird, 268 00:10:31,172 --> 00:10:33,133 when they fucking think all goddamn day. 269 00:10:33,174 --> 00:10:35,593 Just thinking about shit with nothing to do. 270 00:10:35,635 --> 00:10:38,304 That's why a lot of weird shit happened after the pandemic. 271 00:10:38,346 --> 00:10:39,764 I'ma tell you the weirdest invention 272 00:10:39,806 --> 00:10:41,433 in my opinion that came out of the pandemic, 273 00:10:41,474 --> 00:10:42,600 this Metaverse shit. 274 00:10:42,642 --> 00:10:43,977 I don't even know if you know what it is. 275 00:10:44,019 --> 00:10:45,395 For those who do not know what the Metaverse is, 276 00:10:45,437 --> 00:10:47,147 I'll do my best to explain it to you. 277 00:10:47,188 --> 00:10:49,983 The Metaverse was created for people that don't want 278 00:10:50,025 --> 00:10:52,360 to be here in the real world. 279 00:10:52,402 --> 00:10:54,237 So they can go there and do shit there 280 00:10:54,279 --> 00:10:55,905 with the people that don't like them here 281 00:10:55,947 --> 00:10:57,866 but they don't know that they are who they are there. 282 00:10:57,907 --> 00:10:59,659 That's what the fuck it is, right? 283 00:10:59,701 --> 00:11:01,036 It's some weird shit. 284 00:11:01,077 --> 00:11:03,413 It's a lot of weird shit happening in the Metaverse. 285 00:11:03,455 --> 00:11:05,040 There was a story about a woman who says she got 286 00:11:05,081 --> 00:11:07,500 sexually assaulted in the Metaverse. 287 00:11:07,542 --> 00:11:09,002 This is real shit. You can Google this. 288 00:11:09,044 --> 00:11:11,212 This is Googleable information. 289 00:11:11,254 --> 00:11:12,756 Says she got sexually assaulted. 290 00:11:12,797 --> 00:11:13,965 They gave it time and energy. 291 00:11:14,007 --> 00:11:15,133 They interviewed her. 292 00:11:15,175 --> 00:11:17,010 "Are you OK? How do you feel?" 293 00:11:17,052 --> 00:11:19,346 That's what they said. "How do you feel?" 294 00:11:19,387 --> 00:11:21,097 Nobody said, 295 00:11:21,139 --> 00:11:24,768 "Bitch, why didn't you close the laptop, huh? 296 00:11:24,809 --> 00:11:26,186 "Huh? 297 00:11:26,227 --> 00:11:28,063 "Why didn't you take the headset off? 298 00:11:28,104 --> 00:11:30,482 You just sitting there letting it happen." 299 00:11:30,523 --> 00:11:33,735 [yelling] 300 00:11:37,447 --> 00:11:39,949 "Make it stop." 301 00:11:39,991 --> 00:11:42,827 Bitch, take the goddamn headset off. 302 00:11:44,371 --> 00:11:47,874 Close the laptop, with your stupid ass. 303 00:11:47,916 --> 00:11:49,918 Sitting there taking a virtual assaulting, 304 00:11:49,959 --> 00:11:51,920 with your stupid as. 305 00:11:53,213 --> 00:11:54,381 You know what I want to do? 306 00:11:54,422 --> 00:11:55,882 I want to get back to the times when you can 307 00:11:55,924 --> 00:11:57,425 tell people, shut the fuck up. 308 00:11:57,467 --> 00:11:58,718 Sit your dumb ass down. 309 00:11:58,760 --> 00:11:59,928 I want to go back there. 310 00:11:59,969 --> 00:12:02,806 Yeah. Yeah. 311 00:12:02,847 --> 00:12:04,557 I want to go back to those times. 312 00:12:04,599 --> 00:12:05,600 Shut the fuck up. 313 00:12:05,642 --> 00:12:08,561 Sit your dumb ass down. 314 00:12:08,603 --> 00:12:11,272 We're giving too much too much attention. 315 00:12:11,314 --> 00:12:13,983 We're entertaining the crazy way too much. 316 00:12:14,025 --> 00:12:15,193 Let me tell you something, people. 317 00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:17,696 The crazy are only going to get crazier. 318 00:12:17,737 --> 00:12:18,905 That's not fiction. 319 00:12:18,947 --> 00:12:20,448 That's a fact. It's a fact. 320 00:12:20,490 --> 00:12:22,951 You gotta stop entertaining the shit. 321 00:12:22,992 --> 00:12:25,161 I don't entertain it personally, right? 322 00:12:25,203 --> 00:12:26,454 I don't. I really don't, man. 323 00:12:26,496 --> 00:12:27,956 Like, I'ma tell you what. 324 00:12:27,997 --> 00:12:30,458 I feel like I live in the crazy. 325 00:12:30,500 --> 00:12:32,377 I'm in the fucking crazy. 326 00:12:32,419 --> 00:12:34,087 I do. I really do feel like that. 327 00:12:34,129 --> 00:12:36,089 Like, there's times where I actually, 328 00:12:36,131 --> 00:12:38,383 like, want to know if I'm crazy 329 00:12:38,425 --> 00:12:42,137 or why I'm not as crazy as I feel like I should be. 330 00:12:42,178 --> 00:12:43,263 'Cause I've been through a lot of shit. 331 00:12:43,304 --> 00:12:46,141 On paper, I should be fucking crazy. 332 00:12:46,182 --> 00:12:47,559 On paper, all the shit I've been through? 333 00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:49,519 I should be fucking crazy. And who knows? 334 00:12:49,561 --> 00:12:50,687 Maybe it's coming. 335 00:12:50,729 --> 00:12:53,106 Maybe I got crazy waiting on me. 336 00:12:53,148 --> 00:12:54,274 'Cause you don't expect it. 337 00:12:54,315 --> 00:12:56,776 Nobody plans to be crazy. It just happens. 338 00:12:56,818 --> 00:12:58,945 Crazy just sneaks up on you. 339 00:12:58,987 --> 00:13:00,697 Look at Will Smith. He didn't plan that. 340 00:13:00,739 --> 00:13:02,323 That just happened. 341 00:13:03,283 --> 00:13:05,410 What? He didn't plan that. 342 00:13:05,452 --> 00:13:07,454 It just fucking happened. 343 00:13:07,495 --> 00:13:09,914 "Keep my wife's name out your motherfucking mouth." 344 00:13:09,956 --> 00:13:11,958 Come on, man. 345 00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:13,835 He didn't fucking plan that. 346 00:13:15,170 --> 00:13:20,633 "Keep my wife's name out your motherfucking mouth." 347 00:13:20,675 --> 00:13:23,053 He jumped out his goddamn body. 348 00:13:25,597 --> 00:13:27,223 You have any idea how crazy you gotta be to make 349 00:13:27,265 --> 00:13:28,850 Samuel L. Jackson jump back? 350 00:13:28,892 --> 00:13:31,019 Do you have any idea? 351 00:13:32,103 --> 00:13:33,313 "Keep my wife's name"-- 352 00:13:33,355 --> 00:13:34,356 "Say, what the fuck happening, Jack? 353 00:13:34,397 --> 00:13:36,524 Goddamn." 354 00:13:38,818 --> 00:13:39,986 I'm next. 355 00:13:40,028 --> 00:13:43,156 I know it. I feel like I'm next. 356 00:13:43,198 --> 00:13:44,407 It's a lot of shit going on, man. 357 00:13:44,449 --> 00:13:46,368 I'm fucking stressed the fuck out. 358 00:13:46,409 --> 00:13:47,410 I'm about to pop. 359 00:13:47,452 --> 00:13:49,454 I'm telling y'all ahead of time. 360 00:13:49,496 --> 00:13:50,997 Y'all gonna see me at a gas station 361 00:13:51,039 --> 00:13:52,165 with my dick in the tank soon. 362 00:13:52,207 --> 00:13:53,458 Something stupid gonna happen. 363 00:13:54,876 --> 00:13:55,835 "Kev, what you doing?" 364 00:13:55,877 --> 00:13:56,878 "Getting gas. 365 00:13:56,920 --> 00:13:58,672 Mind your fucking business, bitch." 366 00:13:58,713 --> 00:14:03,051 "Keep my wife's name out your motherfucking mouth." 367 00:14:03,093 --> 00:14:04,469 It's coming. 368 00:14:07,180 --> 00:14:08,306 You know the crazy thing? 369 00:14:08,348 --> 00:14:10,183 I've realized that I live in the crazy. 370 00:14:10,225 --> 00:14:11,643 Like, I live in Los Angeles. 371 00:14:11,685 --> 00:14:13,645 I feel like Los Angeles is the craziest place ever. 372 00:14:13,687 --> 00:14:15,689 I call Los Angeles the land of the lost, 373 00:14:15,730 --> 00:14:16,856 and here's the thing. 374 00:14:16,898 --> 00:14:18,191 It's not the people from Los Angeles. 375 00:14:18,233 --> 00:14:19,567 They're fine. It's not them. 376 00:14:19,609 --> 00:14:20,902 It's the people that move out there, 377 00:14:20,944 --> 00:14:23,363 the people with dreams, goals, ambitions. 378 00:14:23,405 --> 00:14:24,823 'Cause they want all this shit to happen. 379 00:14:24,864 --> 00:14:26,616 They move out there, and then it doesn't happen, 380 00:14:26,658 --> 00:14:28,952 and they go, welp, it's time to be nuts. 381 00:14:28,993 --> 00:14:31,079 They fucking lose it. 382 00:14:31,121 --> 00:14:34,040 They lose it. 383 00:14:34,082 --> 00:14:35,375 You gotta watch the news in Los Angeles. 384 00:14:35,417 --> 00:14:37,085 I've never seen anything like it. 385 00:14:37,127 --> 00:14:38,545 There was a story on the news about a guy 386 00:14:38,586 --> 00:14:39,879 who was going to Denny's, 387 00:14:39,921 --> 00:14:43,133 putting his dick in people breakfast at 7:00 a.m. 388 00:14:43,174 --> 00:14:45,844 7:00 a.m., slamming his dick in people grits. 389 00:14:45,885 --> 00:14:49,097 [grunting] 390 00:14:50,724 --> 00:14:51,725 They call him the dick slammer. 391 00:14:51,766 --> 00:14:54,436 This is true shit. 392 00:14:54,477 --> 00:14:56,896 Fucking up Grand Slams nationwide. 393 00:14:56,938 --> 00:14:59,649 [grunting] 394 00:14:59,691 --> 00:15:01,568 They reported it live from Denny's. 395 00:15:01,609 --> 00:15:05,739 There was a news anchor live in front of Denny's. 396 00:15:05,780 --> 00:15:07,407 He said, "Welp, he did it again." 397 00:15:07,449 --> 00:15:09,993 What? 398 00:15:10,035 --> 00:15:11,161 "You're at Denny's, watch your back, 399 00:15:11,202 --> 00:15:12,287 and watch your breakfast." 400 00:15:12,328 --> 00:15:14,122 What? 401 00:15:14,164 --> 00:15:15,957 Telling me I can't eat breakfast without looking 402 00:15:15,999 --> 00:15:17,625 over my shoulder for stray dick? 403 00:15:17,667 --> 00:15:19,669 Are you kidding me? 404 00:15:19,711 --> 00:15:22,380 It's too much crazy. 405 00:15:22,422 --> 00:15:25,300 The reason why I feel like honestly I could be 406 00:15:25,342 --> 00:15:27,552 or, like, I have the potential to be crazy, 407 00:15:27,594 --> 00:15:28,720 'cause I'm around it. 408 00:15:28,762 --> 00:15:30,764 Crazy friends, crazy family. 409 00:15:30,805 --> 00:15:32,057 My brother just got crazy. 410 00:15:32,098 --> 00:15:33,641 It just happened. 411 00:15:33,683 --> 00:15:34,684 He turned 50. 412 00:15:34,726 --> 00:15:35,935 The next day, the nigga got weird. 413 00:15:35,977 --> 00:15:37,937 He got fucking weird. 414 00:15:37,979 --> 00:15:39,773 Called me with some weird shit. 415 00:15:39,814 --> 00:15:41,441 He's like, "Kev, I'm thinking about getting a dog. 416 00:15:41,483 --> 00:15:42,359 I'm lonely." 417 00:15:42,400 --> 00:15:43,360 I said, "You should get a dog. 418 00:15:43,401 --> 00:15:44,903 A dog would be good for you." 419 00:15:44,944 --> 00:15:46,196 He's like, "Yeah, but I don't know if I'd be a good owner. 420 00:15:46,237 --> 00:15:47,322 "You know what I'ma do? 421 00:15:47,364 --> 00:15:48,698 "I'ma act like a dog for two weeks, 422 00:15:48,740 --> 00:15:50,325 see how that go." 423 00:15:55,789 --> 00:15:58,333 You ever hear somebody you love say some crazy shit to you 424 00:15:58,375 --> 00:16:00,251 and you don't say nothing back 'cause you hope they say, 425 00:16:00,293 --> 00:16:02,629 "I'm just fucking with you," and they never do? 426 00:16:03,963 --> 00:16:05,507 I didn't know what to say. I just got off the phone. 427 00:16:05,548 --> 00:16:07,550 I was like, "All right. Well, let me let you go, man. 428 00:16:07,592 --> 00:16:08,760 Hit me when you figure it out." 429 00:16:08,802 --> 00:16:11,304 I just got off the phone. 430 00:16:11,346 --> 00:16:13,598 He called me a week later, 6:00 in the morning. 431 00:16:13,640 --> 00:16:14,641 "Kev, you up?" 432 00:16:14,683 --> 00:16:16,559 I said, "I am now. What's going on?" 433 00:16:16,601 --> 00:16:20,146 He said, "Ain't shit. I'm out here walking this dog." 434 00:16:20,188 --> 00:16:21,189 I said, "You got the dog?" 435 00:16:21,231 --> 00:16:22,190 He said, "No, but if I had it, 436 00:16:22,232 --> 00:16:23,316 "this when I'd be walking it. 437 00:16:23,358 --> 00:16:24,943 I'm just trying to see how it feel." 438 00:16:24,984 --> 00:16:27,404 He said, "I'm mad 'cause he won't go to the bathroom." 439 00:16:27,445 --> 00:16:30,407 What the fuck is going on? 440 00:16:30,448 --> 00:16:31,658 Now I'm worried, but it's my brother, 441 00:16:31,700 --> 00:16:34,077 so I don't want to fuck with him too much. 442 00:16:34,119 --> 00:16:35,787 So I participate. This is what fucked me up. 443 00:16:35,829 --> 00:16:39,165 I go--I said, "Are you walking him on grass?" 444 00:16:39,207 --> 00:16:42,085 This is what fucked me up. 445 00:16:42,127 --> 00:16:44,129 I said, "Are you walking him on grass?" 446 00:16:44,170 --> 00:16:46,047 My brother said, "Ah, that's what it is. 447 00:16:46,089 --> 00:16:47,048 I'll call you back." 448 00:16:47,090 --> 00:16:48,299 Oh! 449 00:16:49,426 --> 00:16:51,344 Oh! 450 00:16:51,386 --> 00:16:53,763 He's a fucking psychopath! 451 00:16:53,805 --> 00:16:56,057 It's Jeffrey Dahmer all over again. 452 00:16:56,099 --> 00:16:59,227 The lights are on. Nobody's home. 453 00:17:02,230 --> 00:17:03,523 A week later, he called me and said, "Kev, 454 00:17:03,565 --> 00:17:05,650 it's not gonna work. I'm not getting a dog." 455 00:17:05,692 --> 00:17:07,235 I said, "Why not?" He said, "'Cause he got loose. 456 00:17:07,277 --> 00:17:08,570 He ran away." 457 00:17:10,321 --> 00:17:11,406 Do you know how crazy you gotta be 458 00:17:11,448 --> 00:17:12,866 to lose an imaginary dog? 459 00:17:12,907 --> 00:17:16,202 Do you have any idea how fucking crazy you gotta be? 460 00:17:16,244 --> 00:17:17,704 I said, "Just act like he came back. 461 00:17:17,746 --> 00:17:20,373 Pretend like the dog came back." 462 00:17:20,415 --> 00:17:22,709 He said, "It's not that easy, Kevin. 463 00:17:22,751 --> 00:17:26,379 "Plus, I just put the signs up around the neighborhood 464 00:17:26,421 --> 00:17:27,881 trying to see if I get a call." 465 00:17:27,922 --> 00:17:29,424 Oh! 466 00:17:29,466 --> 00:17:31,134 He's a fucking psychopath! 467 00:17:35,263 --> 00:17:37,474 My dad is crazy. 468 00:17:37,515 --> 00:17:39,184 For those who do not know, I just lost my dad, 469 00:17:39,225 --> 00:17:40,143 like, a week and a half ago. 470 00:17:40,185 --> 00:17:41,227 My dad just passed away. 471 00:17:41,269 --> 00:17:43,271 Not a sad moment. Don't do that. 472 00:17:43,313 --> 00:17:44,564 We're not gonna make it a sad moment. 473 00:17:44,606 --> 00:17:46,274 This is a celebration. Here's why. 474 00:17:46,316 --> 00:17:47,734 Because of what I do for a living, 475 00:17:47,776 --> 00:17:49,861 I get to fucking let the legend of my dad live on. 476 00:17:49,903 --> 00:17:51,654 So we talk about my dad. 477 00:17:51,696 --> 00:17:53,114 We celebrate my dad. 478 00:17:53,156 --> 00:17:54,657 OK? 479 00:17:54,699 --> 00:17:56,659 It's a celebration. 480 00:17:56,701 --> 00:17:58,119 For those who have followed my comedy, 481 00:17:58,161 --> 00:17:59,829 you know I've talked about my dad throughout my career. 482 00:17:59,871 --> 00:18:01,039 Everything I said is true. 483 00:18:01,081 --> 00:18:03,208 It's all true, all the sayings. 484 00:18:03,249 --> 00:18:04,250 All right, all right, all right. 485 00:18:04,292 --> 00:18:05,210 You gonna learn today. Long dick. 486 00:18:05,251 --> 00:18:06,169 Say it with your chest. 487 00:18:06,211 --> 00:18:07,879 It's all fucking true. 488 00:18:09,381 --> 00:18:11,591 My dad passed away from COPD, right? 489 00:18:11,633 --> 00:18:13,259 For those who do not know what COPD is, 490 00:18:13,301 --> 00:18:14,844 it's like an elevated version of asthma. 491 00:18:14,886 --> 00:18:16,388 My dad was on oxygen. He had the tube 492 00:18:16,429 --> 00:18:18,932 hooked up to his nose, oxygen tank in the corner. 493 00:18:18,973 --> 00:18:21,101 You go over his house, this is all you saw. 494 00:18:21,142 --> 00:18:23,728 Just a bunch of fucking tube. 495 00:18:23,770 --> 00:18:25,188 He was an old man that couldn't breathe 496 00:18:25,230 --> 00:18:26,398 that talked shit all day. 497 00:18:26,439 --> 00:18:28,441 That's all he did. 498 00:18:28,483 --> 00:18:30,694 Told the bitch don't come over here. 499 00:18:33,154 --> 00:18:34,614 My dad thought everybody had COVID. 500 00:18:34,656 --> 00:18:37,075 Don't let that bitch in here with COVID. 501 00:18:37,117 --> 00:18:38,660 It's all on the hands. 502 00:18:38,702 --> 00:18:39,744 Look at the hands. 503 00:18:41,496 --> 00:18:42,455 Funny thing about my dad is that he 504 00:18:42,497 --> 00:18:43,623 still thought he was tough. 505 00:18:43,665 --> 00:18:44,916 My friends would fuck with him just 506 00:18:44,958 --> 00:18:46,376 to get a reaction out of him. 507 00:18:46,418 --> 00:18:47,794 My friend Wayne said, "Spoon, I'll come over there 508 00:18:47,836 --> 00:18:49,713 and whup your ass, knock that oxygen tank over." 509 00:18:49,754 --> 00:18:50,755 My dad got mad. 510 00:18:50,797 --> 00:18:52,132 He said, "Bitch, say something else. 511 00:18:52,173 --> 00:18:54,843 I'll turn this tank up 20%, give myself a boost." 512 00:18:56,720 --> 00:18:58,179 He started fucking with the tank. 513 00:18:58,221 --> 00:19:01,641 [mimicking air hissing] 514 00:19:01,683 --> 00:19:03,309 20 seconds. Start the clock right now. 515 00:19:03,351 --> 00:19:05,186 I'll fuck your ass up. 516 00:19:07,522 --> 00:19:08,940 He's a character. 517 00:19:08,982 --> 00:19:11,026 The thing about my dad is, because he couldn't breathe, 518 00:19:11,067 --> 00:19:12,235 there was a rule. 519 00:19:12,277 --> 00:19:13,987 The rule was, no surprising my dad. 520 00:19:14,029 --> 00:19:15,155 No surprising him. 521 00:19:15,196 --> 00:19:16,656 He couldn't take it. It's too much. 522 00:19:16,698 --> 00:19:18,366 [gasping] 523 00:19:18,408 --> 00:19:20,285 He couldn't take. 524 00:19:20,326 --> 00:19:23,288 [grunting] 525 00:19:23,329 --> 00:19:24,998 He couldn't take it. 526 00:19:25,832 --> 00:19:28,877 I saw him almost die one time, one time. 527 00:19:28,918 --> 00:19:30,128 We was in the kitchen. 528 00:19:30,170 --> 00:19:31,296 The tube got caught under the stove. 529 00:19:31,338 --> 00:19:32,964 I didn't see it. 530 00:19:33,006 --> 00:19:34,632 I thought he had the hiccups. 531 00:19:37,052 --> 00:19:38,970 I did. 532 00:19:39,012 --> 00:19:40,305 [gasping] 533 00:19:40,347 --> 00:19:41,890 That's what he did. 534 00:19:41,931 --> 00:19:43,850 [gasping] 535 00:19:43,892 --> 00:19:46,019 Fuck wrong with you? 536 00:19:46,061 --> 00:19:48,188 You want some water? 537 00:19:48,229 --> 00:19:51,691 For a second, for a quick second, 538 00:19:51,733 --> 00:19:53,151 I thought my brother dog was in there. 539 00:19:53,193 --> 00:19:54,527 For a quick second. 540 00:19:56,363 --> 00:19:57,614 I said, that dog came here. 541 00:19:57,655 --> 00:20:00,450 I think that dog is in here. 542 00:20:00,492 --> 00:20:01,868 Then I realized he couldn't breathe. 543 00:20:01,910 --> 00:20:03,203 I said, "Oh, shit, Dad, you can't breathe. 544 00:20:03,244 --> 00:20:04,371 I got you." 545 00:20:04,412 --> 00:20:05,705 I started chasing the tube. 546 00:20:05,747 --> 00:20:07,749 I found a little kink in the tube this big. 547 00:20:07,791 --> 00:20:08,875 I straightened it out. [grunts] 548 00:20:08,917 --> 00:20:10,460 I got you, Dad. 549 00:20:10,502 --> 00:20:12,045 You would've thought somebody shot my dad in the ass 550 00:20:12,087 --> 00:20:13,380 with adrenaline. 551 00:20:13,421 --> 00:20:14,381 I've never seen anybody take a deeper breath 552 00:20:14,422 --> 00:20:15,715 in my fucking life. 553 00:20:15,757 --> 00:20:19,552 [inhales deeply] 554 00:20:19,594 --> 00:20:23,098 He said, "You see what the devil tried to do to me?" 555 00:20:23,139 --> 00:20:25,809 Ain't no goddamn devil. It's too much tube. 556 00:20:28,728 --> 00:20:29,854 I'll talk a lot of shit about my dad, 557 00:20:29,896 --> 00:20:31,523 but it come from a place of love. 558 00:20:31,564 --> 00:20:33,149 My dad had good qualities too. 559 00:20:33,191 --> 00:20:34,984 My dad is by far one of the best 560 00:20:35,026 --> 00:20:36,403 nickname givers on the planet. 561 00:20:36,444 --> 00:20:37,904 When it comes to giving out nicknames, 562 00:20:37,946 --> 00:20:38,863 there's nobody better. 563 00:20:38,905 --> 00:20:40,240 Every nickname that he has given 564 00:20:40,281 --> 00:20:41,616 has lasted a lifetime. 565 00:20:41,658 --> 00:20:43,243 Keep in mind, everybody wants a nickname. 566 00:20:43,284 --> 00:20:45,704 You just don't have the right people giving them to you. 567 00:20:45,745 --> 00:20:48,039 Everyone has fucking landed. 568 00:20:48,081 --> 00:20:49,249 Here's a secret. 569 00:20:49,290 --> 00:20:50,500 The secret to giving out good nicknames 570 00:20:50,542 --> 00:20:51,668 is that they gotta come from a mean place. 571 00:20:51,710 --> 00:20:53,753 Good nicknames are mean-spirited. 572 00:20:55,505 --> 00:20:57,549 I got an uncle. My uncle had a stroke. 573 00:20:57,590 --> 00:20:58,758 His whole left side is shut down. 574 00:20:58,800 --> 00:21:01,594 His whole left side is dead, can't move it. 575 00:21:01,636 --> 00:21:02,971 My dad called him Right Foot. 576 00:21:03,013 --> 00:21:05,724 This is a true story. 577 00:21:05,765 --> 00:21:07,017 It's not rocket science. It's simple. 578 00:21:07,058 --> 00:21:08,435 It was actually too simple. 579 00:21:08,476 --> 00:21:09,894 I said, "Dad, why you call him Right Foot?" 580 00:21:09,936 --> 00:21:11,146 He said, "You ever see him move his left?" 581 00:21:11,187 --> 00:21:13,356 "No." "All right. 582 00:21:13,398 --> 00:21:15,150 "There it is. 583 00:21:15,191 --> 00:21:17,110 There it is." 584 00:21:17,152 --> 00:21:19,029 Called my uncle Right Foot. He get excited. 585 00:21:19,070 --> 00:21:20,613 "Right foot, what it is?" 586 00:21:20,655 --> 00:21:22,490 "Hey, you already know what the fuck going on, god damn it." 587 00:21:22,532 --> 00:21:24,659 My uncle turned into a human typewriter. 588 00:21:24,701 --> 00:21:25,660 Goddamn. 589 00:21:27,871 --> 00:21:28,955 I got an aunt. 590 00:21:28,997 --> 00:21:31,708 I got an aunt. He calls my aunt Wings. 591 00:21:31,750 --> 00:21:32,876 Wings. 592 00:21:32,917 --> 00:21:34,836 She got that stuff under her arm. 593 00:21:34,878 --> 00:21:36,296 You know that stuff that women can't get rid of, 594 00:21:36,338 --> 00:21:37,881 that little piece? 595 00:21:37,922 --> 00:21:38,965 You know what I'm talking about, 596 00:21:39,007 --> 00:21:41,551 that piece that be up under there? 597 00:21:41,593 --> 00:21:43,470 I never knew why he called her Wings. 598 00:21:43,511 --> 00:21:45,221 One day, she was in the kitchen going off. 599 00:21:45,263 --> 00:21:47,098 "Tired of y'all coming over here, not closing the doors, 600 00:21:47,140 --> 00:21:48,141 eating up all the food." 601 00:21:48,183 --> 00:21:49,309 It was making a bunch of noise. 602 00:21:49,351 --> 00:21:51,436 Pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat. 603 00:21:53,188 --> 00:21:54,481 He tapped me, said, "Kev. 604 00:21:54,522 --> 00:21:56,107 "Look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look. 605 00:21:56,149 --> 00:21:57,275 "She about to take off. 606 00:21:57,317 --> 00:21:59,819 "Fly, Wings. 607 00:21:59,861 --> 00:22:01,112 Fly." 608 00:22:02,405 --> 00:22:04,532 "Yeah." 609 00:22:06,284 --> 00:22:07,786 I love it when I tell that joke, 610 00:22:07,827 --> 00:22:10,121 'cause I can see some women in the front grab they arm. 611 00:22:11,539 --> 00:22:12,665 Shut up, Kevin. Shut up. 612 00:22:12,707 --> 00:22:14,417 You don't even--shut up. 613 00:22:16,878 --> 00:22:18,338 There's only one nickname that he gave out 614 00:22:18,380 --> 00:22:19,381 that fucked me up a little bit. 615 00:22:19,422 --> 00:22:21,049 One. 616 00:22:21,091 --> 00:22:22,509 He got a little nephew. 617 00:22:22,550 --> 00:22:23,635 Little boy name is Calvin. 618 00:22:23,677 --> 00:22:25,470 My dad called him Crazy Horse. 619 00:22:25,512 --> 00:22:27,389 "Crazy Horse, come here. 620 00:22:27,430 --> 00:22:29,641 Crazy Horse, get over here." 621 00:22:29,683 --> 00:22:31,476 Now, before I go on with the rest of the joke, 622 00:22:31,518 --> 00:22:33,228 I'ma tell you right now, hand on the Bible, 623 00:22:33,269 --> 00:22:36,147 swear to God, I had no idea that this boy was special. 624 00:22:36,189 --> 00:22:38,024 OK? 625 00:22:38,066 --> 00:22:39,651 I did not know. 626 00:22:39,693 --> 00:22:40,652 I'm getting that out the way. 627 00:22:40,694 --> 00:22:42,862 I'm telling you that now, 628 00:22:42,904 --> 00:22:44,197 'cause I don't want you to think I'm a dickhead 629 00:22:44,239 --> 00:22:45,657 after I say what I say. 630 00:22:47,033 --> 00:22:48,368 I'm still gonna tell you what the fuck I saw, 631 00:22:48,410 --> 00:22:50,995 but I wanted to get that out. 632 00:22:51,037 --> 00:22:52,372 Kept calling the boy Crazy Horse. 633 00:22:52,414 --> 00:22:53,873 "Crazy Horse, come here." 634 00:22:53,915 --> 00:22:55,667 "I said, dad, why you keep calling that boy Crazy Horse?" 635 00:22:55,709 --> 00:22:58,920 He said, "You never seen him do it?" 636 00:22:58,962 --> 00:23:00,505 I said, "Do what?" 637 00:23:02,007 --> 00:23:03,174 [laughs] 638 00:23:06,177 --> 00:23:07,929 I said, "Do what?" 639 00:23:07,971 --> 00:23:09,055 He said, "Crazy Horse, come here." 640 00:23:09,097 --> 00:23:10,390 It was quick. 641 00:23:10,432 --> 00:23:11,850 If you blinked, you would have fucking missed it. 642 00:23:11,891 --> 00:23:13,727 If you blink, I swear to God, you would've missed it. 643 00:23:13,768 --> 00:23:14,853 "Crazy Horse, come here." 644 00:23:14,894 --> 00:23:16,771 The boy got up, he's like-- 645 00:23:17,856 --> 00:23:19,107 Took off. 646 00:23:28,241 --> 00:23:29,576 No! 647 00:23:30,410 --> 00:23:31,745 No! 648 00:23:31,786 --> 00:23:34,664 Can't call that boy no fucking Crazy Horse. 649 00:23:36,166 --> 00:23:37,459 He said, "Why not? That's my nephew." 650 00:23:37,500 --> 00:23:39,252 I don't give a fuck who he is. 651 00:23:39,294 --> 00:23:41,379 'Cause of the times, you can't treat people like that 652 00:23:41,421 --> 00:23:43,298 because of the times. 653 00:23:43,340 --> 00:23:45,550 He got mad, started adjusting his oxygen tank. 654 00:23:45,592 --> 00:23:47,927 [mimicking air hissing] 655 00:23:47,969 --> 00:23:49,596 "Yell at me again, I'll fuck your ass up. 656 00:23:49,637 --> 00:23:51,639 20 seconds. Start the clock right now." 657 00:23:53,183 --> 00:23:55,935 Crazy Horse. 658 00:23:55,977 --> 00:23:57,562 You know, man, my dad is such a character. 659 00:23:57,604 --> 00:23:59,356 Like, when I think about my dad and my brother, 660 00:23:59,397 --> 00:24:00,607 the thing that I've realized now 661 00:24:00,648 --> 00:24:02,817 is that we represent one generation, right? 662 00:24:02,859 --> 00:24:05,278 We're a generation of men in our family. 663 00:24:05,320 --> 00:24:07,614 And I'm like, damn, now I got four kids, two sons. 664 00:24:07,655 --> 00:24:09,783 Holy shit. That's the next generation. 665 00:24:09,824 --> 00:24:11,785 Had to give myself a reality check, because I've realized 666 00:24:11,826 --> 00:24:14,537 I don't think I'm doing my job preparing them 667 00:24:14,579 --> 00:24:16,206 to be a better generation than what we are. 668 00:24:16,247 --> 00:24:17,916 I'm passing down bad habits. 669 00:24:17,957 --> 00:24:19,417 This is not a hypothetical. 670 00:24:19,459 --> 00:24:21,294 This is a fact. I know I am. 671 00:24:21,336 --> 00:24:23,713 My bad habits are being passed down, like my patience. 672 00:24:23,755 --> 00:24:24,964 I don't have patience. 673 00:24:25,006 --> 00:24:26,216 This is one of my worst qualities. 674 00:24:26,257 --> 00:24:27,258 I get irritated very fast. 675 00:24:27,300 --> 00:24:28,718 Small things make me mad. 676 00:24:28,760 --> 00:24:29,969 This is not a joke. 677 00:24:30,011 --> 00:24:31,221 This is an example, 'cause I want you 678 00:24:31,262 --> 00:24:32,138 to understand what I'm saying. 679 00:24:32,180 --> 00:24:33,348 I don't like it when people eat 680 00:24:33,390 --> 00:24:34,516 and sweat at the same time. 681 00:24:34,557 --> 00:24:36,226 I don't fucking like it. 682 00:24:36,267 --> 00:24:37,227 I don't fucking like it. 683 00:24:37,268 --> 00:24:38,395 Like, if somebody's eating 684 00:24:38,436 --> 00:24:39,938 and while they eat, they be like, whew. 685 00:24:39,979 --> 00:24:41,439 I'll punch you in the fucking face. 686 00:24:41,481 --> 00:24:42,857 If I'm there, I swear to God, 687 00:24:42,899 --> 00:24:44,025 I'll punch you in the fucking face. 688 00:24:44,067 --> 00:24:46,069 Slow down! 689 00:24:46,111 --> 00:24:47,570 Ain't nobody gonna take that food from you. 690 00:24:47,612 --> 00:24:48,988 Slow down! 691 00:24:50,657 --> 00:24:51,950 Tell you what else I don't like. 692 00:24:51,991 --> 00:24:53,743 You're not gonna like it, but I'ma tell you anyway. 693 00:24:53,785 --> 00:24:55,704 I've recently realized that I don't have any patience 694 00:24:55,745 --> 00:24:56,996 for unattractive people. 695 00:24:57,038 --> 00:24:58,665 There. I said it. That's how I feel. 696 00:24:59,874 --> 00:25:01,459 I know when you first hear it, it's a blow. 697 00:25:01,501 --> 00:25:02,961 It's a blow at first. 698 00:25:03,003 --> 00:25:04,462 I ask that you stay with me. 699 00:25:04,504 --> 00:25:06,548 OK? Stay with me until the end. 700 00:25:06,589 --> 00:25:07,799 I feel like they're very needy. 701 00:25:07,841 --> 00:25:09,884 Unattractive people are very needy. 702 00:25:09,926 --> 00:25:11,428 They always want something. 703 00:25:11,469 --> 00:25:14,055 Excuse me. Excuse me. 704 00:25:15,890 --> 00:25:17,767 Excuse me. You know where I can-- 705 00:25:17,809 --> 00:25:20,186 No, I don't. No. 706 00:25:20,228 --> 00:25:21,938 No. No. 707 00:25:21,980 --> 00:25:23,398 I treat them like fucking cats. 708 00:25:23,440 --> 00:25:24,774 Get your ass out of here. 709 00:25:26,484 --> 00:25:28,695 Get out of here! You better get! 710 00:25:31,197 --> 00:25:32,699 It's too much. 711 00:25:32,741 --> 00:25:33,867 It's too fucking much. 712 00:25:33,908 --> 00:25:34,993 Let me tell you where the joke came from 713 00:25:35,035 --> 00:25:36,870 so you don't think I'm a dick, OK? 714 00:25:36,911 --> 00:25:39,122 I was at the bank, right? I get done at the bank. 715 00:25:39,164 --> 00:25:40,206 I'm in my car. 716 00:25:40,248 --> 00:25:41,583 I'm about to pull out the parking lot. 717 00:25:41,624 --> 00:25:43,001 You gotta stop at the little parking booth, right? 718 00:25:43,043 --> 00:25:44,085 You gotta give the guy your ticket. 719 00:25:44,127 --> 00:25:45,337 I go to give the guy my ticket. 720 00:25:45,378 --> 00:25:46,880 He slide the glass back, sticks his head out. 721 00:25:46,921 --> 00:25:49,257 Very unattractive man. Whatever. 722 00:25:49,299 --> 00:25:51,551 He sees me. When he saw me, he lost it. 723 00:25:51,593 --> 00:25:52,802 He got excited. 724 00:25:52,844 --> 00:25:54,888 He's like, uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh. 725 00:25:56,931 --> 00:25:59,934 Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh-uh. 726 00:25:59,976 --> 00:26:02,687 Made that ugly-ass face right in my fucking face. 727 00:26:03,980 --> 00:26:06,358 Kevin Hart in my bank? You got to be kidding me. 728 00:26:06,399 --> 00:26:07,859 He said, "I'm not letting you out of here until you 729 00:26:07,901 --> 00:26:09,486 "tell me why you chose us. Why us? 730 00:26:09,527 --> 00:26:10,904 "Why you bank with us? 731 00:26:10,945 --> 00:26:14,366 Why'd you choose us as your financial institution?" 732 00:26:14,407 --> 00:26:15,825 I couldn't believe what the fuck I heard. 733 00:26:15,867 --> 00:26:18,328 I said, "I don't have time for this shit. 734 00:26:18,370 --> 00:26:20,205 "Press the button. Let me the fuck out of here. 735 00:26:20,246 --> 00:26:21,831 I don't have time." 736 00:26:21,873 --> 00:26:24,876 He did it again. Uh-uh, uh-uh-uh, uh-uh. 737 00:26:25,710 --> 00:26:27,253 "I ain't letting you out of here till you tell me why us. 738 00:26:27,295 --> 00:26:28,463 "Why'd you choose us? 739 00:26:28,505 --> 00:26:30,674 Why us? Why'd you choose us?" 740 00:26:30,715 --> 00:26:31,925 Kept saying us. 741 00:26:31,966 --> 00:26:33,176 I told you I don't have any patience. 742 00:26:33,218 --> 00:26:34,427 I fucking lost it. I snapped. 743 00:26:34,469 --> 00:26:35,845 I said, "Stop saying us. 744 00:26:35,887 --> 00:26:37,305 "You don't got shit to do with that goddamn bank. 745 00:26:37,347 --> 00:26:39,808 "This parking lot ain't got shit to do with that bank. 746 00:26:39,849 --> 00:26:41,101 "Hit the button. 747 00:26:41,142 --> 00:26:43,978 Let me the fuck up out of here." 748 00:26:44,020 --> 00:26:45,647 This when I got mad. He looked me dead in the eye. 749 00:26:45,689 --> 00:26:47,148 He said, "I got all day, Kevin Hart. 750 00:26:47,190 --> 00:26:49,109 All day." 751 00:26:49,150 --> 00:26:51,069 I realized he's not playing. He's not gonna let me out. 752 00:26:51,111 --> 00:26:52,487 I gotta answer his fucking question. 753 00:26:52,529 --> 00:26:54,572 "OK, fine, you want to know why I chose this bank? 754 00:26:54,614 --> 00:26:57,117 "Your customer service, loan rates, free checking. 755 00:26:57,158 --> 00:26:59,619 There you go. That's why. That's why I chose y'all." 756 00:26:59,661 --> 00:27:00,787 This is what pissed me off. 757 00:27:00,829 --> 00:27:02,080 He goes, "That's all you had to say, 758 00:27:02,122 --> 00:27:03,623 with your little ugly ass." 759 00:27:03,665 --> 00:27:05,792 I said, "What'd you just say? 760 00:27:05,834 --> 00:27:06,918 The fuck did you just say to me?" 761 00:27:06,960 --> 00:27:08,420 "Get your ugly ass out my line." 762 00:27:10,005 --> 00:27:11,548 He hit the button. I had to pull off. 763 00:27:11,589 --> 00:27:13,216 [mimicking tires squealing] 764 00:27:13,258 --> 00:27:14,718 Now I'm pissed. 765 00:27:14,759 --> 00:27:15,677 I'm not ugly. 766 00:27:15,719 --> 00:27:17,137 You ugly! 767 00:27:19,264 --> 00:27:20,974 Fucking pissed. 768 00:27:21,016 --> 00:27:24,102 I stopped at Chipotle two blocks up. 769 00:27:24,144 --> 00:27:25,812 It's a long line in Chipotle. 770 00:27:25,854 --> 00:27:27,022 Now I'm even more irritated. 771 00:27:27,063 --> 00:27:28,398 I'm only in this long-ass line 772 00:27:28,440 --> 00:27:31,484 because of that unattractive-ass conversation. 773 00:27:31,526 --> 00:27:33,653 While I'm standing in line, the woman behind me goes, 774 00:27:33,695 --> 00:27:34,654 "Oh, my God, today's such a nice day. 775 00:27:34,696 --> 00:27:35,822 It's so beautiful outside." 776 00:27:35,864 --> 00:27:37,198 I'm about to fucking snap. 777 00:27:37,240 --> 00:27:38,324 I'ma lose it. 778 00:27:38,366 --> 00:27:39,784 I'ma fucking snap. I'ma turn around. 779 00:27:39,826 --> 00:27:40,952 I'ma let this goddamn woman have it. 780 00:27:40,994 --> 00:27:42,287 I turn around. I see her. 781 00:27:42,328 --> 00:27:44,205 This is by far one of the most attractive women 782 00:27:44,247 --> 00:27:45,373 I've ever seen in my fucking life. 783 00:27:45,415 --> 00:27:46,791 She was gorgeous. Immediately, instantly... 784 00:27:46,833 --> 00:27:48,626 [snaps fingers] 785 00:27:48,668 --> 00:27:50,670 I had time. I had fucking time. 786 00:27:50,712 --> 00:27:52,297 I said, "You know what? 787 00:27:52,339 --> 00:27:54,466 It is a nice day. It's so nice outside." 788 00:27:55,884 --> 00:27:56,926 I turned into a fucking weatherman. 789 00:27:56,968 --> 00:27:58,219 I said, "What we need is rain. 790 00:27:58,261 --> 00:28:00,764 We ain't had no rain in a minute." 791 00:28:00,805 --> 00:28:02,349 She said, "I wasn't even talking to you." 792 00:28:02,390 --> 00:28:04,517 Turned her back on me. 793 00:28:04,559 --> 00:28:06,186 What the fuck? 794 00:28:06,227 --> 00:28:08,438 Oh, no. No. That is not acceptable. 795 00:28:08,480 --> 00:28:11,107 Excuse me. Excuse me. 796 00:28:11,149 --> 00:28:13,777 Excuse me. Excuse me. 797 00:28:13,818 --> 00:28:16,071 She turned around. "What?" 798 00:28:16,112 --> 00:28:18,656 Aha! 799 00:28:18,698 --> 00:28:20,241 Ah. 800 00:28:23,828 --> 00:28:25,413 Ah. 801 00:28:27,957 --> 00:28:30,126 I just want-- 802 00:28:30,168 --> 00:28:32,212 "I just want to know what made you choose Chipotle 803 00:28:32,253 --> 00:28:34,422 as your place for lunch today." 804 00:28:36,049 --> 00:28:37,217 She said, "I'm not telling you that." 805 00:28:37,258 --> 00:28:39,719 I said, "Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh-uh." 806 00:28:39,761 --> 00:28:44,057 I was the unattractive person in that conversation. 807 00:28:44,099 --> 00:28:45,266 Guy flipped it on me that fast. 808 00:28:45,308 --> 00:28:46,476 Let me tell you something, people. 809 00:28:46,518 --> 00:28:48,061 No matter how good you think you look, 810 00:28:48,103 --> 00:28:51,231 I promise you that you don't look that fucking good. 811 00:28:51,272 --> 00:28:53,191 I promise you something will happen 812 00:28:53,233 --> 00:28:56,152 in life to show you that you don't look that fucking good. 813 00:28:56,194 --> 00:28:58,113 My wife gave me a reality check. 814 00:28:58,154 --> 00:29:00,115 We was in the bed, watching TV. 815 00:29:00,156 --> 00:29:01,908 Commercial came on with the little monster 816 00:29:01,950 --> 00:29:03,076 from "Lord of the Rings," Smeagol. 817 00:29:03,118 --> 00:29:04,494 I think that's his name. 818 00:29:04,536 --> 00:29:05,870 Smeagol, he was doing this shit right here. 819 00:29:05,912 --> 00:29:07,247 You know the little monster? 820 00:29:07,288 --> 00:29:08,707 That's what he did. He was doing this shit. 821 00:29:08,748 --> 00:29:10,917 My wife said, "Oh, my God, babe, you be doing that." 822 00:29:10,959 --> 00:29:14,004 I said, "Bitch, what did you just say to me? 823 00:29:14,045 --> 00:29:15,380 The fuck did you just say?" 824 00:29:15,422 --> 00:29:17,090 "You be doing that in the mornings." 825 00:29:17,132 --> 00:29:18,925 "Bitch, I ain't never did no shit like that 826 00:29:18,967 --> 00:29:20,760 in my goddamn life!" 827 00:29:21,594 --> 00:29:24,472 Called me a fucking monster to my goddamn face. 828 00:29:26,391 --> 00:29:29,477 Self-esteem was fucking dead after that. 829 00:29:29,519 --> 00:29:31,563 Crushed my soul. 830 00:29:31,604 --> 00:29:34,441 I'll tell you what really destroyed my self-esteem, 831 00:29:34,482 --> 00:29:36,276 what destroyed it. 832 00:29:36,317 --> 00:29:39,279 Fan art. 833 00:29:39,320 --> 00:29:40,572 That's right. 834 00:29:40,613 --> 00:29:42,032 Fan art. 835 00:29:42,073 --> 00:29:44,784 The pictures that you are drawing of me 836 00:29:44,826 --> 00:29:47,662 and have given to me in person. 837 00:29:47,704 --> 00:29:49,789 The nerve of some of you. 838 00:29:49,831 --> 00:29:52,083 Like, listen, I--fuck you. 839 00:29:52,125 --> 00:29:54,461 And I mean that. Like, I stand on that. 840 00:29:54,502 --> 00:29:57,839 Fuck you, acting like these pictures 841 00:29:57,881 --> 00:29:59,507 come from a place of love. 842 00:29:59,549 --> 00:30:02,010 It's got to be--it's the most irritating shit in the world. 843 00:30:02,052 --> 00:30:03,553 You think--let me show you something. 844 00:30:03,595 --> 00:30:05,221 Put one of them pictures up. Look at this shit. 845 00:30:05,263 --> 00:30:07,140 Look. Look at this. 846 00:30:07,182 --> 00:30:08,391 These are real pictures, by the way. 847 00:30:08,433 --> 00:30:10,185 These are real fucking pictures. 848 00:30:10,226 --> 00:30:11,686 Look at my goddamn mouth. 849 00:30:11,728 --> 00:30:13,021 When did I have a stroke? 850 00:30:13,063 --> 00:30:15,273 Does anybody know when I had a stroke? 851 00:30:15,315 --> 00:30:17,108 Show another one. Show another--look. 852 00:30:17,150 --> 00:30:18,610 Look at this shit. 853 00:30:18,651 --> 00:30:21,029 Look at this shit. Now I'm Frankenstein, huh? 854 00:30:21,071 --> 00:30:22,614 I'm fucking Frankenstein? 855 00:30:22,655 --> 00:30:23,907 Look at my fucking forehead. 856 00:30:23,948 --> 00:30:25,408 Goddamn. 857 00:30:25,450 --> 00:30:27,369 What the fuck? Look at the next one. 858 00:30:27,410 --> 00:30:28,745 What color am I? 859 00:30:28,787 --> 00:30:30,538 What the fuck color am I? 860 00:30:32,374 --> 00:30:33,458 Cut it off. 861 00:30:33,500 --> 00:30:35,043 I mean, it's just-- it's so much, man. 862 00:30:35,085 --> 00:30:36,294 I'ma tell you who drew, like, 863 00:30:36,336 --> 00:30:37,379 one of the worst pieces of fan art. 864 00:30:37,420 --> 00:30:38,421 You should know. 865 00:30:38,463 --> 00:30:39,464 Who do you think gave me 866 00:30:39,506 --> 00:30:40,507 one of the worst pieces of fan art 867 00:30:40,548 --> 00:30:41,424 that I've ever seen? 868 00:30:41,466 --> 00:30:43,802 Think. [indistinct shouting] 869 00:30:43,843 --> 00:30:45,762 No. No. 870 00:30:45,804 --> 00:30:47,013 Crazy Horse. 871 00:30:47,055 --> 00:30:50,183 Crazy Horse gave me a picture so bad. 872 00:30:50,225 --> 00:30:52,143 This bitch left my goddamn body out. 873 00:30:52,185 --> 00:30:54,145 He drew my face and my neck 874 00:30:54,187 --> 00:30:56,189 and then put a boot underneath it. 875 00:30:56,231 --> 00:30:58,233 Look--look--look at this. 876 00:30:58,274 --> 00:31:00,068 Where the fuck is my body at, Crazy Horse? 877 00:31:00,110 --> 00:31:02,445 He said, "You live in the boot." 878 00:31:02,487 --> 00:31:03,613 He took off. 879 00:31:03,655 --> 00:31:05,865 I couldn't catch him. 880 00:31:05,907 --> 00:31:07,117 Son of a bitch. 881 00:31:08,743 --> 00:31:10,245 I'm trying to do things that actually 882 00:31:10,286 --> 00:31:12,622 work on my levels of patience. 883 00:31:12,664 --> 00:31:14,916 I'm trying to do things that allow me 884 00:31:14,958 --> 00:31:16,918 time to think for me, right, 885 00:31:16,960 --> 00:31:18,670 like stepping away from the pack, 886 00:31:18,712 --> 00:31:19,963 giving myself some me time. 887 00:31:20,005 --> 00:31:21,423 I recommend you guys do it too, right? 888 00:31:21,464 --> 00:31:23,091 Step away from the pack every once in a while. 889 00:31:23,133 --> 00:31:25,552 Go do some shit for you, an activity for you. 890 00:31:25,593 --> 00:31:27,137 It's a good stress reliever. It is. 891 00:31:27,178 --> 00:31:28,471 It really is. 892 00:31:29,723 --> 00:31:30,807 One thing I used to do, I used to play 893 00:31:30,849 --> 00:31:32,225 a lot of basketball, right? 894 00:31:32,267 --> 00:31:34,769 I would go up to gyms and just do open runs. 895 00:31:34,811 --> 00:31:36,271 I had to stop going to one gym 896 00:31:36,312 --> 00:31:38,523 because they turned it into a picture fest. 897 00:31:38,565 --> 00:31:39,941 Everybody wanted to take fucking pictures. 898 00:31:39,983 --> 00:31:41,067 I ain't here to take pictures. 899 00:31:41,109 --> 00:31:42,193 I'm here to play ball. 900 00:31:42,235 --> 00:31:43,945 I'm not coming back to this gym. 901 00:31:43,987 --> 00:31:45,572 I'll go find another gym, where they do 902 00:31:45,613 --> 00:31:47,741 three-on-three basketball Tuesdays and Thursdays, 903 00:31:47,782 --> 00:31:48,992 6:00 a.m. to 8:00 a.m. 904 00:31:49,034 --> 00:31:50,577 It's much better. This where I need to be. 905 00:31:50,618 --> 00:31:51,703 It's more intimate. 906 00:31:51,745 --> 00:31:52,746 Keep in mind, when I play basketball, 907 00:31:52,787 --> 00:31:54,039 I talk a lot of shit. 908 00:31:54,080 --> 00:31:55,623 Fuck outta here, bitch, ah. 909 00:31:56,958 --> 00:31:58,418 You're too small. 910 00:31:58,460 --> 00:32:00,128 I'll put you in my back pocket, with your little ass. 911 00:32:00,170 --> 00:32:01,212 You're too fucking small. 912 00:32:01,254 --> 00:32:03,006 Put you right in my back pocket. 913 00:32:03,048 --> 00:32:04,049 I'm about to get buckets. 914 00:32:04,090 --> 00:32:05,133 It's time to eat. 915 00:32:05,175 --> 00:32:06,968 Mmm, mmm, mmm. 916 00:32:08,470 --> 00:32:10,263 Keep in mind, when I talk shit, I don't like it 917 00:32:10,305 --> 00:32:11,639 when you don't talk shit back. 918 00:32:11,681 --> 00:32:13,266 You messing up the competitive nature in the game. 919 00:32:13,308 --> 00:32:15,393 If I talk shit, talk shit back. 920 00:32:15,435 --> 00:32:16,686 We playing three-on-three basketball. 921 00:32:16,728 --> 00:32:18,313 They treating it like it's the goddamn NBA. 922 00:32:18,355 --> 00:32:20,648 Calling plays, setting picks and shit. 923 00:32:20,690 --> 00:32:22,108 It was too much. We lost. 924 00:32:22,150 --> 00:32:25,236 I quit. I'm not playing anymore. 925 00:32:25,278 --> 00:32:26,905 I walked out. There was a sign in the lobby. 926 00:32:26,946 --> 00:32:28,740 The sign in the lobby said, "Deaf run 927 00:32:28,782 --> 00:32:31,117 Tuesdays and Thursdays, 6:00 a.m. to 8:00 a.m." 928 00:32:31,159 --> 00:32:32,786 Yeah, they were deaf. 929 00:32:32,827 --> 00:32:33,787 They didn't hear shit I said. 930 00:32:33,828 --> 00:32:35,663 Now--no, they didn't. 931 00:32:35,705 --> 00:32:37,540 They weren't calling plays. 932 00:32:37,582 --> 00:32:38,541 They were communicating. 933 00:32:38,583 --> 00:32:39,709 They were talking to one another. 934 00:32:39,751 --> 00:32:42,045 Now, this isn't a joke about deaf people. 935 00:32:42,087 --> 00:32:43,171 That's not what the joke is about. 936 00:32:43,213 --> 00:32:44,464 It's about what I looked like. 937 00:32:44,506 --> 00:32:47,300 What the fuck did I look like back there? 938 00:32:47,342 --> 00:32:48,426 'Cause I know what I was saying. 939 00:32:48,468 --> 00:32:51,304 I'm talking shit. "Yeah, bitch. 940 00:32:52,514 --> 00:32:54,641 "Yeah, bitch. Yeah. You're too small. 941 00:32:54,683 --> 00:32:56,893 "Put you in my fucking back pocket, with your little ass. 942 00:32:56,935 --> 00:32:58,061 "Yeah. Come on, bitch. 943 00:32:59,604 --> 00:33:01,147 "I'm about to get buckets of barbecue chicken. 944 00:33:01,189 --> 00:33:03,400 Mmm, mmm, mmm." That's what I said. 945 00:33:04,150 --> 00:33:07,320 What does that look like without the volume, hmm? 946 00:33:07,362 --> 00:33:09,531 What does it look like without the volume? 947 00:33:34,889 --> 00:33:36,307 I just told that man that I want to eat his ass. 948 00:33:36,349 --> 00:33:38,351 That's what I just said. 949 00:33:38,393 --> 00:33:39,436 I don't want to eat your ass. 950 00:33:39,477 --> 00:33:41,271 That's barbecue chicken, bitch. 951 00:33:41,312 --> 00:33:42,480 Barbecue chicken. 952 00:33:42,522 --> 00:33:44,274 I'm not trying to eat your ass. 953 00:33:46,234 --> 00:33:48,236 Had to leave a note, apologize. 954 00:33:50,238 --> 00:33:52,449 I am working on my shit, man. 955 00:33:52,490 --> 00:33:54,200 Certain things I just can't do anymore, not like I used to. 956 00:33:54,242 --> 00:33:55,368 I stopped drinking. 957 00:33:55,410 --> 00:33:56,911 I don't drink as much as I used to. 958 00:33:56,953 --> 00:33:58,246 Not because I had a problem, just 'cause I'm getting older. 959 00:33:58,288 --> 00:33:59,497 I still drink. 960 00:33:59,539 --> 00:34:00,623 I love to drink. 961 00:34:00,665 --> 00:34:02,000 I have a fucking tequila, Gran Coramino. 962 00:34:02,042 --> 00:34:04,377 You guys should know that I love to fucking drink. 963 00:34:04,419 --> 00:34:06,004 That Mino Lino. You need it in your life. 964 00:34:06,046 --> 00:34:07,213 Trust me. 965 00:34:07,255 --> 00:34:08,631 I just can't drink the way I used to. 966 00:34:08,673 --> 00:34:11,676 When I was 22, 23 years old, I'd take shots for days. 967 00:34:11,718 --> 00:34:13,345 Bow, bow, bow. 968 00:34:13,386 --> 00:34:15,430 Dance afterwards. Yeah, bitch, uh. 969 00:34:17,057 --> 00:34:19,726 43 is different. 970 00:34:19,768 --> 00:34:21,353 It's different at 43. 971 00:34:21,394 --> 00:34:23,438 One shot. Bow. 972 00:34:26,941 --> 00:34:30,570 Some-- 973 00:34:30,612 --> 00:34:32,739 somebody put something in my drink. 974 00:34:34,115 --> 00:34:37,577 Somebody trying to do something to me here tonight. 975 00:34:38,953 --> 00:34:40,080 I'm a blackout drunk too. 976 00:34:40,121 --> 00:34:41,414 I'll black out. 977 00:34:41,456 --> 00:34:43,583 In a heartbeat, I'll black the fuck out. 978 00:34:43,625 --> 00:34:45,418 Mid-conversation. 979 00:34:45,460 --> 00:34:47,462 What we doing? We going--we going club-- 980 00:34:47,504 --> 00:34:49,547 hey, we go--everybody-- everybody go club--we all-- 981 00:34:49,589 --> 00:34:50,799 [mimicking snoring] I'm out. 982 00:34:52,050 --> 00:34:53,385 It's a wrap. 983 00:34:53,426 --> 00:34:54,928 I don't like my friends. 984 00:34:54,969 --> 00:34:57,472 These son of a bitches never take me home when I black out. 985 00:34:57,514 --> 00:35:01,351 They just prop me up in the corner, keep the party going. 986 00:35:01,393 --> 00:35:03,144 'Cause they need my face to get into places. 987 00:35:03,186 --> 00:35:05,605 They need my fucking face. 988 00:35:05,647 --> 00:35:07,565 They treat me like Bernie from "Weekend at Bernie's." 989 00:35:07,607 --> 00:35:11,152 They just keep showing my face at the door. 990 00:35:13,988 --> 00:35:14,948 Get in there, Kev. 991 00:35:14,989 --> 00:35:15,949 Bitch, I'm dead. 992 00:35:15,990 --> 00:35:17,701 Check my pulse. 993 00:35:20,995 --> 00:35:22,580 My friends are hilarious, man. 994 00:35:22,622 --> 00:35:24,791 I recently had to have a conversation with my friends. 995 00:35:24,833 --> 00:35:26,084 Had a big conversation with them. 996 00:35:26,126 --> 00:35:27,377 Had to explain to my friends that I'm no longer 997 00:35:27,419 --> 00:35:28,795 the friend of old. 998 00:35:28,837 --> 00:35:31,172 I'm no longer the all-for-one, one-for-all friend. 999 00:35:31,214 --> 00:35:32,924 I'm no longer the "we ride together, we die together." 1000 00:35:32,966 --> 00:35:35,552 I'm no longer the "if one go down, we all go down." 1001 00:35:35,593 --> 00:35:37,804 I'm no longer that friend. 1002 00:35:37,846 --> 00:35:39,514 43 years old, I'm at a point in my life 1003 00:35:39,556 --> 00:35:42,267 where I'm not choosing to deal with the world of bullshit 1004 00:35:42,308 --> 00:35:43,351 that comes with my friends. 1005 00:35:43,393 --> 00:35:45,020 I no longer want your bullshit. 1006 00:35:45,061 --> 00:35:46,312 I'm not embracing it anymore. 1007 00:35:46,354 --> 00:35:47,605 I'm at a point in my life-- 1008 00:35:47,647 --> 00:35:50,066 I'm very serious, very serious. 1009 00:35:50,108 --> 00:35:52,444 I'm at a point in my life where I'll tell on you. 1010 00:35:52,485 --> 00:35:54,154 I'll fucking tell. I told them. 1011 00:35:54,195 --> 00:35:55,613 That's where I'm at. 1012 00:35:55,655 --> 00:35:57,365 You do something around me that involves the law 1013 00:35:57,407 --> 00:35:59,701 in any way, shape, or form, I'll fucking tell. 1014 00:35:59,743 --> 00:36:00,910 I'll tell. 1015 00:36:00,952 --> 00:36:03,329 It doesn't make me a snitch or a bitch. 1016 00:36:03,371 --> 00:36:04,873 You know why? You know why? 1017 00:36:04,914 --> 00:36:07,375 'Cause I'm telling you ahead of time what the fuck I'll do. 1018 00:36:07,417 --> 00:36:08,835 That means I'm giving you an opportunity 1019 00:36:08,877 --> 00:36:10,337 to make better decisions around me 1020 00:36:10,378 --> 00:36:11,629 so that I don't have to tell on you. 1021 00:36:11,671 --> 00:36:14,341 I don't want to have to fucking tell on you. 1022 00:36:14,382 --> 00:36:15,633 They thought I was lying. 1023 00:36:15,675 --> 00:36:17,135 I wasn't. 1024 00:36:17,177 --> 00:36:18,511 We went to Mexico. 1025 00:36:18,553 --> 00:36:20,680 Keep in mind, we fly private, right? 1026 00:36:20,722 --> 00:36:21,931 We go to Mexico. 1027 00:36:21,973 --> 00:36:23,183 We're on the plane. 1028 00:36:23,224 --> 00:36:24,517 While we're on the plane, my friends, 1029 00:36:24,559 --> 00:36:26,770 they love to bring weed, love the flower weed. 1030 00:36:26,811 --> 00:36:27,812 Go right ahead. 1031 00:36:27,854 --> 00:36:28,938 Bring all the fucking weed you want. 1032 00:36:28,980 --> 00:36:31,232 It's all fun and games until it's not. 1033 00:36:32,567 --> 00:36:33,902 I said, I don't want to hear shit 1034 00:36:33,943 --> 00:36:36,196 when we land and them little Mexican dogs get active, 1035 00:36:36,237 --> 00:36:38,073 start sniffing your bags. 1036 00:36:38,114 --> 00:36:39,699 I don't want to see you looking up like you 1037 00:36:39,741 --> 00:36:41,034 don't know what the fuck they smell, 1038 00:36:41,076 --> 00:36:42,202 'cause guess what I'ma do. 1039 00:36:42,243 --> 00:36:43,328 Guess what I'ma do. 1040 00:36:43,370 --> 00:36:44,371 I'ma solve the case. 1041 00:36:44,412 --> 00:36:46,122 That's what I'ma do. 1042 00:36:46,164 --> 00:36:47,874 I'ma solve the goddamn case. 1043 00:36:47,916 --> 00:36:49,209 Oh! 1044 00:36:49,250 --> 00:36:50,585 That dog found it, Officer. 1045 00:36:50,627 --> 00:36:52,879 That dog got it right there. 1046 00:36:52,921 --> 00:36:55,423 Mark, raise your hand so they know who bag that is. 1047 00:36:55,465 --> 00:36:57,217 You probably gotta go with them. 1048 00:36:57,258 --> 00:36:58,802 Yeah. You want him to go with y'all? 1049 00:36:58,843 --> 00:37:02,222 Yep, they said you gotta go with them, Mark. 1050 00:37:02,263 --> 00:37:04,557 I'ma solve the goddamn case. 1051 00:37:06,351 --> 00:37:07,394 I'll never forget it. 1052 00:37:07,435 --> 00:37:09,145 We're on the plane going to Mexico. 1053 00:37:09,187 --> 00:37:12,023 First of all, it's always the person with the drugs 1054 00:37:12,065 --> 00:37:13,900 that's got the worst ideas in the world. 1055 00:37:13,942 --> 00:37:15,151 Always. 1056 00:37:15,193 --> 00:37:16,945 That's Joey's stupid ass. 1057 00:37:16,986 --> 00:37:18,947 Keep using the word "we." 1058 00:37:18,988 --> 00:37:20,156 "This what we gonna do. 1059 00:37:20,198 --> 00:37:22,075 "This how we gonna make it work. 1060 00:37:22,117 --> 00:37:23,576 "When we get off the plane, look. 1061 00:37:23,618 --> 00:37:25,245 "If they want to go through your bags, all you gotta do 1062 00:37:25,286 --> 00:37:26,663 "is grab the bag without the drugs. 1063 00:37:26,705 --> 00:37:28,415 "If they don't, then grab the bag with the drugs. 1064 00:37:28,456 --> 00:37:29,582 "That's how we get the drugs through. 1065 00:37:29,624 --> 00:37:31,167 We alternate it like that." 1066 00:37:31,209 --> 00:37:33,336 Everybody on the plane was like, "Bet, dope, yeah. 1067 00:37:33,378 --> 00:37:34,921 Let's do it." 1068 00:37:34,963 --> 00:37:37,590 I said, "That don't work for me. I don't like that plan. 1069 00:37:37,632 --> 00:37:39,092 "I don't fucking like it. My name on my bag. 1070 00:37:39,134 --> 00:37:40,135 "Don't touch my bag. 1071 00:37:40,176 --> 00:37:41,177 "You touch my bag, I'll tell. 1072 00:37:41,219 --> 00:37:42,387 I'll fucking tell." 1073 00:37:43,972 --> 00:37:45,598 I'll never forget it. This a true story. 1074 00:37:45,640 --> 00:37:47,517 We're landing in Mexico. Plane go down. 1075 00:37:47,559 --> 00:37:50,061 [mimicking tires screeching] 1076 00:37:50,103 --> 00:37:51,980 I look out the window, looked like an episode of "Narcos." 1077 00:37:52,022 --> 00:37:54,941 I've never seen more Mexican officers in my goddamn life. 1078 00:37:54,983 --> 00:37:56,693 They standing there. They got the dogs. 1079 00:37:56,735 --> 00:38:01,072 I've never seen dogs look through the window of a plane. 1080 00:38:01,114 --> 00:38:03,616 The dogs. 1081 00:38:03,658 --> 00:38:05,410 When I saw that, When I saw the dogs, 1082 00:38:05,452 --> 00:38:08,204 I said, "Oh, boy. [laughs] 1083 00:38:08,246 --> 00:38:12,042 "Y'all going to jail. Y'all going to fucking jail. 1084 00:38:12,083 --> 00:38:14,794 They smell it. The dogs smell it already." 1085 00:38:16,379 --> 00:38:19,424 Little Mexican man comes on the plane after the door go down. 1086 00:38:19,466 --> 00:38:20,884 He starts speaking Spanish. 1087 00:38:20,925 --> 00:38:22,594 Keep in mind, I don't know Spanish. 1088 00:38:22,635 --> 00:38:24,721 I know a couple words, and I know the rhythm. 1089 00:38:24,763 --> 00:38:26,890 I know the rhythm of Spanish. 1090 00:38:26,931 --> 00:38:30,060 For the purpose of this joke, I'ma hit you with the rhythm. 1091 00:38:30,101 --> 00:38:31,895 The reason why is because I want you to feel like 1092 00:38:31,936 --> 00:38:32,771 you were there. 1093 00:38:32,812 --> 00:38:35,357 I'm telling you ahead of time 1094 00:38:35,398 --> 00:38:38,485 these are not real words, OK? 1095 00:38:38,526 --> 00:38:39,861 They're not real words. 1096 00:38:39,903 --> 00:38:43,073 It's gonna sound like it, but it's just a rhythm. 1097 00:38:43,114 --> 00:38:44,324 But don't make me laugh, 1098 00:38:44,366 --> 00:38:45,492 'cause I gotta stay in the character. 1099 00:38:45,533 --> 00:38:47,118 Don't make me fucking laugh. 1100 00:38:52,082 --> 00:38:53,541 So he started off-- 1101 00:38:53,583 --> 00:38:55,377 he started off calm and then escalated. 1102 00:38:55,418 --> 00:38:57,462 This is exactly what he did, OK? 1103 00:39:08,264 --> 00:39:11,142 Dónde, hmm? 1104 00:39:11,184 --> 00:39:13,103 Hmm? 1105 00:39:13,144 --> 00:39:16,231 Dónde--dónde--dónde está? 1106 00:39:16,272 --> 00:39:17,941 [sniffs] Hmm? 1107 00:39:20,193 --> 00:39:23,071 [mimicking Spanish] 1108 00:39:38,795 --> 00:39:39,963 He looking right at me. 1109 00:39:40,005 --> 00:39:41,047 He looking me dead in the fucking eye. 1110 00:39:41,089 --> 00:39:43,341 He go, "Qué? 1111 00:39:43,383 --> 00:39:45,135 Qué?" 1112 00:39:45,176 --> 00:39:47,554 I don't know what the fuck "qué" mean, 1113 00:39:47,595 --> 00:39:48,722 but he want an answer. 1114 00:39:48,763 --> 00:39:49,889 He looking right at me. I panicked. 1115 00:39:49,931 --> 00:39:51,433 I didn't know what to fucking do. 1116 00:39:51,474 --> 00:39:53,018 I panicked. I said, "Queso." 1117 00:39:53,059 --> 00:39:56,855 I just said it. I said, "Queso." 1118 00:39:56,896 --> 00:39:58,857 I thought about the cheese, queso cheese. 1119 00:39:58,898 --> 00:40:01,067 I don't know what the fuck. 1120 00:40:01,109 --> 00:40:02,610 "Queso." 1121 00:40:03,945 --> 00:40:05,613 He thought I was being a smart-ass. 1122 00:40:05,655 --> 00:40:07,866 He said, "Oh." 1123 00:40:10,285 --> 00:40:13,079 "Queso, ah. 1124 00:40:13,121 --> 00:40:14,289 Hmm." 1125 00:40:14,330 --> 00:40:16,875 [mimicking Spanish] 1126 00:40:16,916 --> 00:40:18,793 You ever hear Spanish people talk real fast 1127 00:40:18,835 --> 00:40:22,047 and it just sound like a bunch of clicks? 1128 00:40:22,088 --> 00:40:23,131 This is what he said. 1129 00:40:24,507 --> 00:40:27,927 [mimicking Spanish] 1130 00:40:36,478 --> 00:40:39,606 [mimicking Spanish] 1131 00:40:45,153 --> 00:40:46,738 Fuck. 1132 00:40:46,780 --> 00:40:47,989 This is it. This is my nightmare. 1133 00:40:48,031 --> 00:40:48,990 We going to jail. 1134 00:40:49,032 --> 00:40:51,451 I get up. Ah! 1135 00:40:51,493 --> 00:40:52,452 I got my hands up. 1136 00:40:52,494 --> 00:40:54,120 I'm cooperating. 1137 00:40:54,162 --> 00:40:55,413 We get off the plane. 1138 00:40:55,455 --> 00:40:56,539 They got a security booth right there. 1139 00:40:56,581 --> 00:40:58,124 You gotta get in the booth one by one. 1140 00:40:58,166 --> 00:40:59,834 When you get in the booth, you gotta press a button. 1141 00:40:59,876 --> 00:41:02,545 When you press the button, it go red light or green light. 1142 00:41:02,587 --> 00:41:03,797 Let me tell you something right now. 1143 00:41:03,838 --> 00:41:06,424 If you press that button and you get a red light, 1144 00:41:06,466 --> 00:41:08,051 ho, you can cancel Christmas. 1145 00:41:08,093 --> 00:41:09,135 It's over for you. 1146 00:41:09,177 --> 00:41:10,345 You hear me? 1147 00:41:10,387 --> 00:41:12,305 It's over for you. 1148 00:41:12,347 --> 00:41:14,557 They get dark as fuck when you press that button 1149 00:41:14,599 --> 00:41:16,309 and it's red. 1150 00:41:16,351 --> 00:41:19,229 [mimicking Spanish] 1151 00:41:21,231 --> 00:41:22,399 You press the button and it's green, 1152 00:41:22,440 --> 00:41:24,067 they're a different person. 1153 00:41:24,109 --> 00:41:27,070 "Qué pasa?" 1154 00:41:27,112 --> 00:41:29,030 Put a fucking hat on you, start dancing. 1155 00:41:29,072 --> 00:41:31,616 [vocalizing] 1156 00:41:31,658 --> 00:41:33,159 You don't want to dance, but you're scared, 1157 00:41:33,201 --> 00:41:35,245 so you do it anyway, ah. 1158 00:41:36,746 --> 00:41:38,665 Please don't kill me. 1159 00:41:40,041 --> 00:41:41,126 I'm first. 1160 00:41:41,167 --> 00:41:42,335 I gotta press the fucking button. 1161 00:41:42,377 --> 00:41:43,294 He looking right at me. 1162 00:41:54,681 --> 00:41:56,057 [blows sharply] 1163 00:42:01,813 --> 00:42:03,231 I almost said-- 1164 00:42:05,150 --> 00:42:07,068 I almost said, "They got drugs." 1165 00:42:07,110 --> 00:42:08,820 I swear to God. 1166 00:42:08,862 --> 00:42:10,572 I was fucking nervous. My stomach was bubbling. 1167 00:42:10,613 --> 00:42:13,241 My ass was wet. I was farting. 1168 00:42:13,283 --> 00:42:14,242 It was too much. 1169 00:42:14,284 --> 00:42:15,744 I was nervous. 1170 00:42:16,828 --> 00:42:18,079 [blows sharply] 1171 00:42:25,045 --> 00:42:26,546 I hit that bitch. Bow. 1172 00:42:26,588 --> 00:42:29,257 Backed up, looked up like it was the "Wheel of Fortune." 1173 00:42:29,299 --> 00:42:31,926 It said red, green, 1174 00:42:31,968 --> 00:42:35,388 red, green, red, green. 1175 00:42:35,430 --> 00:42:36,681 It stopped on green. 1176 00:42:36,723 --> 00:42:37,766 Let me tell you how childish I am. 1177 00:42:37,807 --> 00:42:39,601 When it stopped on green, I went. 1178 00:42:39,642 --> 00:42:41,478 I grabbed my bag. I didn't look at nobody. 1179 00:42:41,519 --> 00:42:44,522 I just walked off the tarmac. 1180 00:42:44,564 --> 00:42:47,150 I walked the fuck off the tarmac. 1181 00:42:47,192 --> 00:42:48,902 I saved myself. 1182 00:42:49,944 --> 00:42:51,321 I could hear my friends. 1183 00:42:51,363 --> 00:42:53,365 They was like, "Kev, grab the bag with the drugs. 1184 00:42:53,406 --> 00:42:55,116 "Get the bag with the drugs. 1185 00:42:55,158 --> 00:42:56,409 "Get the bag with the drugs. 1186 00:42:56,451 --> 00:42:57,911 Get the bag with the drugs." 1187 00:42:57,952 --> 00:43:01,247 I said, "No hable ingles." 1188 00:43:02,791 --> 00:43:07,212 "No hable ingles. 1189 00:43:07,253 --> 00:43:09,422 "Y'all going to jail. 1190 00:43:09,464 --> 00:43:10,965 Jail-io, all y'all." 1191 00:43:12,967 --> 00:43:14,177 "I'm going to the resort. 1192 00:43:14,219 --> 00:43:16,638 "Maybe I'll see you there. Maybe I won't. 1193 00:43:16,680 --> 00:43:19,474 I didn't bring the drugs. You did." 1194 00:43:19,516 --> 00:43:22,310 That's what I did. I went to the fucking resort. 1195 00:43:22,352 --> 00:43:25,105 I was at that bitch for two hours by myself. 1196 00:43:25,146 --> 00:43:26,606 At that point, I just figured. 1197 00:43:26,648 --> 00:43:27,816 You know, I guess it is what it is. 1198 00:43:27,857 --> 00:43:30,276 I don't know. 1199 00:43:30,318 --> 00:43:32,570 They all got there in, like, two hours and 30 minutes. 1200 00:43:32,612 --> 00:43:33,780 Nobody went to jail. 1201 00:43:33,822 --> 00:43:35,824 Everybody made it through. 1202 00:43:35,865 --> 00:43:36,866 Here's why I gotta do better as a friend, 1203 00:43:36,908 --> 00:43:38,284 'cause I'm the first one. 1204 00:43:38,326 --> 00:43:40,704 I'm the first person after everybody gets settled. 1205 00:43:40,745 --> 00:43:41,830 Everybody gets situated, settled, 1206 00:43:41,871 --> 00:43:43,248 and everybody's relaxed. 1207 00:43:43,289 --> 00:43:44,416 I'm the first one to go, 1208 00:43:44,457 --> 00:43:45,583 "Yo. 1209 00:43:45,625 --> 00:43:48,003 "Hey. 1210 00:43:48,044 --> 00:43:49,129 "Look. 1211 00:43:49,170 --> 00:43:51,047 "Yo. 1212 00:43:51,089 --> 00:43:53,591 "Let me-- 1213 00:43:53,633 --> 00:43:54,801 "Let me get a little bit of that weed. 1214 00:43:54,843 --> 00:43:56,177 Where the weed at?" 1215 00:43:57,887 --> 00:44:01,474 "We did it! 1216 00:44:01,516 --> 00:44:04,102 "We made it through, man. 1217 00:44:04,144 --> 00:44:07,522 Teamwork made the dream work, baby." 1218 00:44:07,564 --> 00:44:08,690 "Shut the fuck up, Kev." 1219 00:44:08,732 --> 00:44:10,233 "All right, I understand." 1220 00:44:12,027 --> 00:44:14,279 My friends are special. 1221 00:44:14,320 --> 00:44:16,781 I got a good group, man. I got a real good group. 1222 00:44:16,823 --> 00:44:18,116 I do. 1223 00:44:18,158 --> 00:44:19,284 Every time that they have had to be there, 1224 00:44:19,325 --> 00:44:20,535 they've been there. 1225 00:44:20,577 --> 00:44:21,661 My friends have never not been there for me. 1226 00:44:21,703 --> 00:44:22,871 There's only one time 1227 00:44:22,912 --> 00:44:24,414 where they had to, like, reel me back, 1228 00:44:24,456 --> 00:44:26,833 where I was in too deep and they had to, like, grab me 1229 00:44:26,875 --> 00:44:28,585 and make me get ahold of myself. 1230 00:44:28,626 --> 00:44:32,005 This is when social media in the beginning stages, like, 1231 00:44:32,047 --> 00:44:33,381 was getting out of hand a little bit, 1232 00:44:33,423 --> 00:44:35,383 when the live feature had first started. 1233 00:44:35,425 --> 00:44:36,968 You can go live. 1234 00:44:37,010 --> 00:44:38,136 You can click on somebody's live. 1235 00:44:38,178 --> 00:44:40,305 The whole world can watch your live. 1236 00:44:40,347 --> 00:44:41,598 Gotta remember, I got a lot of followers 1237 00:44:41,639 --> 00:44:42,640 on social media. 1238 00:44:42,682 --> 00:44:43,850 200-some million people. 1239 00:44:43,892 --> 00:44:45,143 That shit can go to your head. 1240 00:44:45,185 --> 00:44:46,603 I was treating it like a fucking weapon. 1241 00:44:46,644 --> 00:44:49,356 I wish you would tell me you couldn't do something. 1242 00:44:49,397 --> 00:44:50,607 I was snapping, 1243 00:44:50,648 --> 00:44:52,984 showing up in restaurants with no reservation. 1244 00:44:53,026 --> 00:44:55,236 Kevin Hart. I need a table for 25. 1245 00:44:55,278 --> 00:44:56,404 Did you call? 1246 00:44:56,446 --> 00:44:57,781 Bitch, you want me to go live right now? 1247 00:44:57,822 --> 00:45:00,158 Shut this whole fucking place down. 1248 00:45:00,200 --> 00:45:01,326 Kev, chill. Shut up, bitch, 1249 00:45:01,368 --> 00:45:02,369 before I go live on you. 1250 00:45:02,410 --> 00:45:03,411 Everybody back up. 1251 00:45:03,453 --> 00:45:04,371 Back the fuck up right now. 1252 00:45:04,412 --> 00:45:05,622 Get back. 1253 00:45:05,663 --> 00:45:07,957 Everybody get the fuck back before I go live. 1254 00:45:07,999 --> 00:45:10,460 I lost my mind. 1255 00:45:10,502 --> 00:45:12,837 What it was is, social media was getting so negative. 1256 00:45:12,879 --> 00:45:14,756 It was way too negative. 1257 00:45:14,798 --> 00:45:17,467 I was consuming too much negativity. 1258 00:45:17,509 --> 00:45:19,052 I'ma tell you the video that really made me back off 1259 00:45:19,094 --> 00:45:20,720 social media, made me put it down. 1260 00:45:20,762 --> 00:45:22,555 When you guys leave, I want you to Google this as well. 1261 00:45:22,597 --> 00:45:24,891 This is Googleable as well. 1262 00:45:24,933 --> 00:45:26,810 It's a video of a barista arguing 1263 00:45:26,851 --> 00:45:28,228 with a woman in a coffee shop. 1264 00:45:28,269 --> 00:45:29,396 She's arguing with the woman 'cause the woman's 1265 00:45:29,437 --> 00:45:30,438 not wearing a mask. 1266 00:45:30,480 --> 00:45:31,523 Woman without a mask goes, 1267 00:45:31,564 --> 00:45:32,816 "Can I get a little cup of coffee?" 1268 00:45:32,857 --> 00:45:33,775 Says, "I can't serve you 'cause you're not 1269 00:45:33,817 --> 00:45:34,984 wearing a mask." 1270 00:45:35,026 --> 00:45:36,027 She says, "I just want a little cup." 1271 00:45:36,069 --> 00:45:37,445 "Don't matter what you want. 1272 00:45:37,487 --> 00:45:38,780 You're not wearing a mask. I can't give you nothing." 1273 00:45:38,822 --> 00:45:39,906 She said, "Come on, don't be a bitch." 1274 00:45:39,948 --> 00:45:41,199 "Don't call me a bitch." 1275 00:45:41,241 --> 00:45:42,659 "Well, you being a bitch." "Fuck you, bitch." 1276 00:45:42,701 --> 00:45:44,035 "Fuck you, bitch." "Dumb bitch." 1277 00:45:44,077 --> 00:45:45,745 "Stupid bitch." "Ho bitch." 1278 00:45:45,787 --> 00:45:46,913 "Slut bitch." 1279 00:45:46,955 --> 00:45:48,456 Out of nowhere, the woman without a mask 1280 00:45:48,498 --> 00:45:50,125 pulls her pants down, takes a shit, 1281 00:45:50,166 --> 00:45:52,752 starts throwing it behind the person. 1282 00:45:52,794 --> 00:45:54,254 Yeah. Don't believe me? Google it. 1283 00:45:54,295 --> 00:45:57,257 Google it when you fucking leave. 1284 00:45:57,298 --> 00:45:58,967 Now, your reaction is different from mine. 1285 00:45:59,009 --> 00:46:00,510 I was blown away. 1286 00:46:00,552 --> 00:46:03,054 I was blown away by this woman's ability 1287 00:46:03,096 --> 00:46:04,973 to shit on command. 1288 00:46:05,015 --> 00:46:07,267 I've never seen anything like it. 1289 00:46:07,308 --> 00:46:09,978 She didn't shit on the floor and pick it up and throw it. 1290 00:46:10,020 --> 00:46:11,438 These were individual nuggets. 1291 00:46:11,479 --> 00:46:12,814 Bow! 1292 00:46:13,732 --> 00:46:14,983 Bow! 1293 00:46:15,775 --> 00:46:17,152 Bow! 1294 00:46:17,193 --> 00:46:18,236 Three. 1295 00:46:18,278 --> 00:46:20,447 Three solid rockets out of the ass. 1296 00:46:21,865 --> 00:46:23,283 You gotta watch the fucking video. 1297 00:46:23,324 --> 00:46:25,910 In the middle of the video, a Black girl just run by. 1298 00:46:25,952 --> 00:46:27,954 "They throwing shit in here." 1299 00:46:29,456 --> 00:46:30,874 You can hear her. 1300 00:46:30,915 --> 00:46:34,044 "They don't pay me enough for this shit." 1301 00:46:34,085 --> 00:46:36,004 You gotta watch the fucking video. 1302 00:46:37,547 --> 00:46:39,883 Shit that really made me laugh is the guy taping it, 1303 00:46:39,924 --> 00:46:41,301 'cause he in the corner. 1304 00:46:41,343 --> 00:46:43,345 You can't see him. This is what he says. 1305 00:46:43,386 --> 00:46:46,931 He goes, "This the best angle I could get, y'all." 1306 00:46:49,476 --> 00:46:53,063 Who asked for this footage, sir? 1307 00:46:53,104 --> 00:46:55,815 They're throwing shit in there. 1308 00:46:55,857 --> 00:46:57,233 I don't know about y'all, but if I get hit 1309 00:46:57,275 --> 00:46:59,903 with a piece of shit, my life is over. 1310 00:46:59,944 --> 00:47:01,863 It's over for me. 1311 00:47:01,905 --> 00:47:04,199 A piece of human shit 1312 00:47:04,240 --> 00:47:07,535 to the temple at 7:00 a.m.? 1313 00:47:07,577 --> 00:47:10,246 Fuck that. Fuck that. 1314 00:47:10,288 --> 00:47:12,165 Put your dick in my grits. 1315 00:47:12,207 --> 00:47:16,169 I'll take dick in grits all day. 1316 00:47:16,211 --> 00:47:21,049 Slam your dick in my grits, Mr. Dick Slammer. 1317 00:47:21,091 --> 00:47:22,926 I don't want to get hit with a piece of shit 1318 00:47:22,967 --> 00:47:25,345 in the goddamn temple. 1319 00:47:25,387 --> 00:47:28,348 You're never gonna live that down. 1320 00:47:28,390 --> 00:47:31,685 7:00 a.m., you in the best mood of your fucking life. 1321 00:47:31,726 --> 00:47:33,061 Good morning. 1322 00:47:33,103 --> 00:47:34,562 How y'all doing? 1323 00:47:34,604 --> 00:47:36,314 Hey, Carl, let me get two vanilla lattes 1324 00:47:36,356 --> 00:47:38,566 and two extra pumps of syrup. 1325 00:47:38,608 --> 00:47:40,026 Yeah. 1326 00:47:40,068 --> 00:47:41,695 You too, man. I know that's right. 1327 00:47:41,736 --> 00:47:43,863 Yeah. 1328 00:47:43,905 --> 00:47:45,448 The fuck just happened? 1329 00:47:47,742 --> 00:47:49,619 The fuck just happened in here? 1330 00:47:54,582 --> 00:47:56,084 Something just hit me in the fucking head. 1331 00:47:56,126 --> 00:47:58,211 What the fuck? 1332 00:47:58,253 --> 00:47:59,379 What the fuck is this? 1333 00:47:59,421 --> 00:48:01,464 What the fuck is going on with this? 1334 00:48:01,506 --> 00:48:02,507 Now, hold on, now. 1335 00:48:02,549 --> 00:48:04,384 Now, hold on. 1336 00:48:04,426 --> 00:48:06,511 This better not be what the fuck I think it is. 1337 00:48:09,639 --> 00:48:10,807 This is shit. 1338 00:48:10,849 --> 00:48:13,852 Somebody just hit me with a piece of shit. 1339 00:48:13,893 --> 00:48:15,770 You gotta ask the question you thought you would never 1340 00:48:15,812 --> 00:48:17,939 ask in your goddamn life. 1341 00:48:17,981 --> 00:48:22,277 Who just threw that piece of shit at me? 1342 00:48:22,318 --> 00:48:24,571 I want to see everybody hands. 1343 00:48:24,612 --> 00:48:27,741 If I see shit on anybody hands, I swear to God. 1344 00:48:27,782 --> 00:48:29,909 "Hey, I got grits on my dick. 1345 00:48:29,951 --> 00:48:32,996 "That's as far as I go. 1346 00:48:33,038 --> 00:48:35,248 I ain't that nasty. That's nasty, now." 1347 00:48:35,290 --> 00:48:36,541 "Throwing shit is disgusting. 1348 00:48:36,583 --> 00:48:38,168 "I'll put my dick in grits all day. 1349 00:48:38,209 --> 00:48:40,462 That's where I draw the line." 1350 00:48:41,796 --> 00:48:43,089 Social media. 1351 00:48:43,131 --> 00:48:45,008 Social media had me fucked up. 1352 00:48:45,050 --> 00:48:46,426 Social media had me believing 1353 00:48:46,468 --> 00:48:49,346 that I was an activist for one day. 1354 00:48:49,387 --> 00:48:51,598 For one day I, got caught up. 1355 00:48:51,639 --> 00:48:53,224 I got caught up bad, man. 1356 00:48:53,266 --> 00:48:55,101 This is when the George Floyd stuff happened. 1357 00:48:55,143 --> 00:48:57,145 Black Lives Matter protests was going on. 1358 00:48:57,187 --> 00:48:59,439 I was pissed. I was emotional. 1359 00:48:59,481 --> 00:49:01,232 Went on Twitter, tweeted some shit. 1360 00:49:01,274 --> 00:49:03,443 Sick of this shit. 1361 00:49:08,573 --> 00:49:10,825 Tweet. 1362 00:49:10,867 --> 00:49:11,951 People start retweeting it. 1363 00:49:11,993 --> 00:49:13,453 Fuck yeah, Kev. Hell yeah, Kev. 1364 00:49:13,495 --> 00:49:15,538 That's what I'm talking about. Talk your shit. 1365 00:49:15,580 --> 00:49:17,040 Say it again for the people in the back that didn't hear you. 1366 00:49:17,082 --> 00:49:19,709 Fine, I will. 1367 00:49:23,797 --> 00:49:25,048 Tweet. 1368 00:49:25,090 --> 00:49:26,633 Hell yeah, Kev. 1369 00:49:26,675 --> 00:49:28,635 That's what I'm talking about, Black man. 1370 00:49:28,677 --> 00:49:30,595 Way to talk your shit, Black man. 1371 00:49:30,637 --> 00:49:32,889 Way to be there for your people, Black king. 1372 00:49:32,931 --> 00:49:35,684 [gasps] 1373 00:49:35,725 --> 00:49:36,935 He called me a Black king. 1374 00:49:36,976 --> 00:49:39,020 I ain't never been called a Black king before. 1375 00:49:39,062 --> 00:49:40,397 Shit went right to my head. 1376 00:49:40,438 --> 00:49:41,815 Yeah. 1377 00:49:41,856 --> 00:49:44,067 Yeah. 1378 00:49:45,610 --> 00:49:46,945 My people need me. 1379 00:49:46,986 --> 00:49:48,780 They need me. 1380 00:49:48,822 --> 00:49:51,491 Sent out, like, 1,000 fucking tweets. 1381 00:49:51,533 --> 00:49:53,660 I was doing a movie for Universal at the time. 1382 00:49:53,702 --> 00:49:55,078 Universal called me. 1383 00:49:55,120 --> 00:49:56,579 Whoa. 1384 00:49:58,707 --> 00:50:00,333 Whoa. 1385 00:50:00,375 --> 00:50:03,837 They're like, "Kev, hey. 1386 00:50:03,878 --> 00:50:05,088 "We saw your tweets. 1387 00:50:05,130 --> 00:50:06,339 "Listen, first of all, we're with you. 1388 00:50:06,381 --> 00:50:07,757 "OK? We're your partners. 1389 00:50:07,799 --> 00:50:09,467 We're here for you. We got your back." 1390 00:50:09,509 --> 00:50:10,760 By the way, they're talking to me like this 1391 00:50:10,802 --> 00:50:12,303 because they believe that I'm an activist. 1392 00:50:12,345 --> 00:50:13,847 Once again, I'm not an activist. 1393 00:50:13,888 --> 00:50:15,140 I'm just caught up in the shit. 1394 00:50:15,181 --> 00:50:16,933 When you start the shit, you can't stop the shit 1395 00:50:16,975 --> 00:50:18,018 till you finish the shit. 1396 00:50:18,059 --> 00:50:19,811 I'm in the shit. 1397 00:50:19,853 --> 00:50:21,062 They said, "Kev, listen. 1398 00:50:21,104 --> 00:50:22,272 "You want to take the company plane, 1399 00:50:22,313 --> 00:50:23,773 "go down there to the memorial service? 1400 00:50:23,815 --> 00:50:25,233 "You want to take your friends, family? 1401 00:50:25,275 --> 00:50:27,193 "You can, all right? We'll send some partners. 1402 00:50:27,235 --> 00:50:28,361 "We'll make it a teachable moment. 1403 00:50:28,403 --> 00:50:29,612 "All you gotta do is say the word. 1404 00:50:29,654 --> 00:50:31,197 "Do you want the plane? Say the word, Kev. 1405 00:50:31,239 --> 00:50:33,158 It's yours. Do you want the plane?" 1406 00:50:38,830 --> 00:50:41,249 Fuck yeah, I want the plane. 1407 00:50:41,291 --> 00:50:43,209 They gave me the goddamn plane. 1408 00:50:43,251 --> 00:50:44,294 This is big. 1409 00:50:44,336 --> 00:50:45,628 I show up at the plane. 1410 00:50:45,670 --> 00:50:47,547 By the way, I didn't know what to bring. 1411 00:50:47,589 --> 00:50:49,591 I didn't pack any bags. This is my first activist trip. 1412 00:50:49,632 --> 00:50:51,718 I just showed up. 1413 00:50:51,760 --> 00:50:53,386 When I get there, the first two people I see 1414 00:50:53,428 --> 00:50:55,764 is Tyrese and Ludacris, right? 1415 00:50:55,805 --> 00:50:57,223 First two people. Yeah. 1416 00:50:57,265 --> 00:50:58,683 When I saw them, I knew. 1417 00:50:58,725 --> 00:51:00,143 I knew off the bat that this was a fucking mistake. 1418 00:51:00,185 --> 00:51:01,686 "I want to go home." 1419 00:51:01,728 --> 00:51:02,812 I said that. 1420 00:51:02,854 --> 00:51:05,357 I want to go home. It don't look right. 1421 00:51:05,398 --> 00:51:07,192 Why the fuck they send the cast of "Fast & Furious" 1422 00:51:07,233 --> 00:51:08,193 out this bitch? 1423 00:51:08,234 --> 00:51:10,111 It don't look right. 1424 00:51:12,113 --> 00:51:13,239 I get on the goddamn plane. 1425 00:51:13,281 --> 00:51:14,574 T.I. come out the bathroom. 1426 00:51:14,616 --> 00:51:15,575 He looked at me. 1427 00:51:15,617 --> 00:51:16,701 He said, "Kev, you think they got 1428 00:51:16,743 --> 00:51:17,994 metal detectors where we're going?" 1429 00:51:18,036 --> 00:51:19,621 I said, "Why the fuck would you ask me that?" 1430 00:51:19,662 --> 00:51:20,872 He said, "'Cause I want to know if I should bring my bag." 1431 00:51:20,914 --> 00:51:22,332 I said, "What's in your bag? 1432 00:51:22,374 --> 00:51:24,751 "And before you tell me, you should know that I'll tell. 1433 00:51:24,793 --> 00:51:27,420 "I'll fucking tell. 1434 00:51:27,462 --> 00:51:29,839 Ain't got time to deal with your shit, Tip." 1435 00:51:31,424 --> 00:51:32,550 We on the plane, they want to talk. 1436 00:51:32,592 --> 00:51:34,344 I don't want to talk. I had a long day. 1437 00:51:34,386 --> 00:51:35,762 I'm going to sleep. 1438 00:51:35,804 --> 00:51:37,722 I wake up, nobody's dressed the way they were 1439 00:51:37,764 --> 00:51:39,474 when I got on the goddamn plane. 1440 00:51:39,516 --> 00:51:41,267 Everybody's got on activist wear. 1441 00:51:41,309 --> 00:51:42,352 They're wearing all black. 1442 00:51:42,394 --> 00:51:44,145 By the way, nobody told me. 1443 00:51:44,187 --> 00:51:48,608 I got a goddamn salmon-colored V-neck on and some khakis. 1444 00:51:48,650 --> 00:51:50,318 Looking like Carlton in his prime. 1445 00:51:50,360 --> 00:51:51,486 Nobody told me. 1446 00:51:53,321 --> 00:51:55,740 Tyrese got on the black beret, black sunglasses, 1447 00:51:55,782 --> 00:51:57,784 black turtleneck, black leather trench coat, 1448 00:51:57,826 --> 00:52:00,120 these black cargo pants, and these combat boots 1449 00:52:00,161 --> 00:52:01,371 that came above his knee. 1450 00:52:01,413 --> 00:52:02,956 He looked like a male Mary J. Blige. 1451 00:52:02,997 --> 00:52:06,710 I've never seen anything like it in my fucking life. 1452 00:52:06,751 --> 00:52:09,713 I've never seen nothing like it. 1453 00:52:09,754 --> 00:52:11,339 Luda had his Afro picked out. 1454 00:52:11,381 --> 00:52:13,299 Tip got a fucking jumpsuit on. 1455 00:52:13,341 --> 00:52:15,677 It's ridiculous. 1456 00:52:15,719 --> 00:52:16,594 We get in an SUV. 1457 00:52:16,636 --> 00:52:17,679 We go to the memorial service. 1458 00:52:17,721 --> 00:52:19,514 When we pull up, they outside protesting. 1459 00:52:19,556 --> 00:52:20,932 Black people all in the street. 1460 00:52:20,974 --> 00:52:22,684 Cops lined up down the side of the street 1461 00:52:22,726 --> 00:52:24,060 with riot gear on. 1462 00:52:24,102 --> 00:52:26,646 Black man in the middle with a bullhorn going off. 1463 00:52:26,688 --> 00:52:28,481 Black Lives Matter, and if you don't think they matter, 1464 00:52:28,523 --> 00:52:29,607 then you're part of the problem. 1465 00:52:29,649 --> 00:52:30,984 And today we find a solution. 1466 00:52:31,026 --> 00:52:32,402 The solution is death. 1467 00:52:32,444 --> 00:52:34,112 Every Black person that showed up here today 1468 00:52:34,154 --> 00:52:35,155 is willing to die. 1469 00:52:35,196 --> 00:52:37,282 We will all die today. 1470 00:52:37,323 --> 00:52:38,742 We don't give a fuck about life. 1471 00:52:38,783 --> 00:52:40,827 If you Black and you here, it's 'cause you came to die. 1472 00:52:40,869 --> 00:52:43,329 If you Black and you in this circle around me, 1473 00:52:43,371 --> 00:52:44,998 it's 'cause you ready to die first. 1474 00:52:45,040 --> 00:52:46,332 I look down. 1475 00:52:46,374 --> 00:52:47,876 I'm in the fucking circle. 1476 00:52:47,917 --> 00:52:50,545 I said, "Wait a minute. 1477 00:52:50,587 --> 00:52:52,088 "That's not why I came. I didn't come for that. 1478 00:52:52,130 --> 00:52:54,215 "That's not why I'm here. 1479 00:52:54,257 --> 00:52:55,884 "Once again, I don't think y'all have my email address, 1480 00:52:55,925 --> 00:52:57,135 "'cause I'm not getting these messages. 1481 00:52:57,177 --> 00:52:58,511 I'm not getting these messages." 1482 00:52:58,553 --> 00:53:00,513 But I don't want to stop what they got going on, 1483 00:53:00,555 --> 00:53:01,806 so I try to back out the circle 1484 00:53:01,848 --> 00:53:03,767 without drawing attention to myself. 1485 00:53:03,808 --> 00:53:04,642 He see me. 1486 00:53:04,684 --> 00:53:06,019 He go, "Oh, shit, Kev Hart." 1487 00:53:06,061 --> 00:53:07,687 "I see you, Black king. 1488 00:53:07,729 --> 00:53:09,356 "Way to come out here and be with your people. 1489 00:53:09,397 --> 00:53:10,565 Say something to your people." 1490 00:53:10,607 --> 00:53:11,858 He throw me the bullhorn. 1491 00:53:11,900 --> 00:53:13,360 [grunts] 1492 00:53:13,401 --> 00:53:16,321 I catch it. 1493 00:53:16,363 --> 00:53:18,281 Now I gotta give a speech. 1494 00:53:18,323 --> 00:53:19,449 I've never given an activist speech. 1495 00:53:19,491 --> 00:53:21,034 I don't know what the fuck to say, 1496 00:53:21,076 --> 00:53:22,369 but I cannot say nothing. 1497 00:53:22,410 --> 00:53:24,537 I have to say something. 1498 00:53:24,579 --> 00:53:27,916 Tyrese stupid ass standing behind me 1499 00:53:27,957 --> 00:53:29,876 saying lines from "Fast & Furious" 1500 00:53:29,918 --> 00:53:31,419 in my fucking ear. 1501 00:53:33,713 --> 00:53:36,049 "We family, and we gonna be family." 1502 00:53:36,091 --> 00:53:37,592 "What?" 1503 00:53:37,634 --> 00:53:39,386 "All we got is family." 1504 00:53:39,427 --> 00:53:41,471 "Get the fuck back, Tyrese!" 1505 00:53:42,597 --> 00:53:44,766 He gonna back up just like Mary. 1506 00:53:50,563 --> 00:53:52,273 Now I gotta give a speech. 1507 00:53:52,315 --> 00:53:54,359 You ever say something and while you're saying something, 1508 00:53:54,401 --> 00:53:55,568 you realize you're not saying nothing 1509 00:53:55,610 --> 00:53:56,736 but you gotta keep trying to say something 1510 00:53:56,778 --> 00:53:59,030 even though you know it's nothing? 1511 00:53:59,072 --> 00:54:00,156 That was my fucking speech. 1512 00:54:00,198 --> 00:54:01,282 This is my speech word-for-word. 1513 00:54:01,324 --> 00:54:02,659 Verbatim, this is my speech. 1514 00:54:05,286 --> 00:54:06,788 A'ight. 1515 00:54:08,623 --> 00:54:11,376 Y'all already know what it is, 1516 00:54:11,418 --> 00:54:13,378 and what it is is what it's gonna be. 1517 00:54:15,171 --> 00:54:17,841 'Cause at the end of the day, hey. 1518 00:54:17,882 --> 00:54:19,009 Come on, now. 1519 00:54:20,927 --> 00:54:23,346 Don't make me sad. 1520 00:54:23,388 --> 00:54:27,767 1 plus 1 gonna be 2 every day. 1521 00:54:27,809 --> 00:54:29,269 I got enemies. 1522 00:54:29,310 --> 00:54:31,104 I got a lot of enemies, 1523 00:54:31,146 --> 00:54:33,815 but if I tell you a duck could pull a truck, strap it up. 1524 00:54:33,857 --> 00:54:35,608 Shut the fuck up. 1525 00:54:37,318 --> 00:54:38,611 I panicked. 1526 00:54:38,653 --> 00:54:39,946 I ran out of shit to say. 1527 00:54:39,988 --> 00:54:41,322 I panicked. 1528 00:54:44,325 --> 00:54:46,953 T.I. got a gun in his bag right now. 1529 00:54:50,206 --> 00:54:52,042 He a repeat offender. 1530 00:54:52,083 --> 00:54:54,336 Repeat offender. 1531 00:54:56,796 --> 00:54:58,256 I felt bad, 'cause they locked him up. 1532 00:54:58,298 --> 00:55:00,925 They locked his ass up right there. 1533 00:55:00,967 --> 00:55:02,510 But at the same time, I did my job. 1534 00:55:02,552 --> 00:55:04,137 That's one less bad person on the streets. 1535 00:55:04,179 --> 00:55:06,639 You're welcome. 1536 00:55:06,681 --> 00:55:07,974 I asked God for another chance. 1537 00:55:08,016 --> 00:55:09,309 I said, "God, please give me another chance 1538 00:55:09,351 --> 00:55:11,561 to be an activist, 'cause I did that one wrong." 1539 00:55:11,603 --> 00:55:12,937 God gave me another chance. 1540 00:55:12,979 --> 00:55:14,647 They were doing a peaceful protest in Beverly Hills. 1541 00:55:14,689 --> 00:55:16,816 Black people were marching. I'm going. 1542 00:55:16,858 --> 00:55:18,443 I need to be out there with my fucking people. 1543 00:55:18,485 --> 00:55:20,278 This time, I'ma do it right. 1544 00:55:20,320 --> 00:55:22,655 I brought a glove. I made a sign. 1545 00:55:22,697 --> 00:55:24,657 Spent all day making my goddamn sign. 1546 00:55:24,699 --> 00:55:27,160 Put blood, sweat, and tears into this goddamn sign. 1547 00:55:27,202 --> 00:55:30,205 I wanted people to read my sign and get an immediate feeling 1548 00:55:30,246 --> 00:55:31,414 attached to emotion. 1549 00:55:31,456 --> 00:55:33,875 I wanted that sign to have an impact. 1550 00:55:33,917 --> 00:55:35,293 Made that sign. 1551 00:55:35,335 --> 00:55:36,836 I went out there and marched, held my sign up high. 1552 00:55:36,878 --> 00:55:38,296 I'll never fucking forget it. 1553 00:55:38,338 --> 00:55:39,673 Marching. 1554 00:55:39,714 --> 00:55:41,299 While I'm marching, I hear this noise. 1555 00:55:41,341 --> 00:55:42,676 Psss. 1556 00:55:42,717 --> 00:55:43,843 That's what I heard. 1557 00:55:43,885 --> 00:55:45,637 Psss. 1558 00:55:45,679 --> 00:55:47,180 When I first heard it, first thing I thought is, 1559 00:55:47,222 --> 00:55:48,348 somebody pissed my dad off. 1560 00:55:48,390 --> 00:55:49,349 He giving himself a boost. 1561 00:55:49,391 --> 00:55:51,184 That's my dad, right? 1562 00:55:51,226 --> 00:55:52,394 He about to fuck somebody up. 1563 00:55:52,435 --> 00:55:54,562 20 seconds. It's going down. 1564 00:55:54,604 --> 00:55:55,980 But then somebody yelled out, "Oh, my God. 1565 00:55:56,022 --> 00:55:57,232 "They're throwing tear gas at us. 1566 00:55:57,273 --> 00:55:58,525 Run!" "What?" 1567 00:55:58,566 --> 00:56:00,402 "They throwing tear gas. Run!" 1568 00:56:00,443 --> 00:56:01,986 I see it. [coughing] 1569 00:56:02,028 --> 00:56:03,655 That's real tear gas. Fuck. 1570 00:56:03,697 --> 00:56:05,240 I'm in it. I'm in the shit. 1571 00:56:05,281 --> 00:56:06,282 I start running. 1572 00:56:06,324 --> 00:56:07,450 This is real chaos. 1573 00:56:07,492 --> 00:56:08,451 This is not a joke. 1574 00:56:08,493 --> 00:56:10,036 I'm in the middle of it. 1575 00:56:10,078 --> 00:56:11,871 While I'm running, fucking I'm in there, 1576 00:56:11,913 --> 00:56:13,206 the Black guy in the front goes, 1577 00:56:13,248 --> 00:56:14,666 "Hey, y'all know the drill. 1578 00:56:14,708 --> 00:56:15,709 We ain't new to this. 1579 00:56:15,750 --> 00:56:18,086 Mask up. Put your goggles on." 1580 00:56:23,758 --> 00:56:24,801 Ain't nobody tell me to bring-- 1581 00:56:24,843 --> 00:56:25,885 I don't have no goddamn goggles. 1582 00:56:25,927 --> 00:56:27,303 Where I'm supposed to get goggles? 1583 00:56:27,345 --> 00:56:29,389 Once again, I don't think y'all have my email address. 1584 00:56:29,431 --> 00:56:32,392 I'm not getting these messages. 1585 00:56:32,434 --> 00:56:33,601 While we running, Black guy next to me 1586 00:56:33,643 --> 00:56:34,644 gets shot with a rubber bullet. 1587 00:56:34,686 --> 00:56:36,479 Bow! I'm right here. 1588 00:56:36,521 --> 00:56:37,772 I see it. Bow! 1589 00:56:37,814 --> 00:56:41,192 He said, "Fuck!" [growls] 1590 00:56:41,234 --> 00:56:42,902 He said...[groans] He looked right at me. 1591 00:56:42,944 --> 00:56:45,405 He said...[groans] "I hate this part." 1592 00:56:45,447 --> 00:56:49,117 I said, "Excuse me, sir?" 1593 00:56:49,159 --> 00:56:51,411 "This part? 1594 00:56:51,453 --> 00:56:54,414 Well, how many parts are there, sir?" 1595 00:56:54,456 --> 00:56:56,666 Now I'm fucking scared. 1596 00:56:56,708 --> 00:56:58,918 I pick up the pace. I start running. 1597 00:56:58,960 --> 00:57:00,086 I catch up to the Black guy in the front. 1598 00:57:00,128 --> 00:57:03,298 I grab his arm. I said, "Hey, man. Hey! 1599 00:57:03,340 --> 00:57:04,424 "What's the plan? 1600 00:57:04,466 --> 00:57:06,343 What's the fucking plan?" 1601 00:57:06,384 --> 00:57:08,219 He looked me dead in the eyes. I'll never forget it. 1602 00:57:08,261 --> 00:57:09,596 I said, "What's the plan?" 1603 00:57:09,637 --> 00:57:12,098 He said, "Nigga, you better go home." 1604 00:57:12,140 --> 00:57:14,351 I said, "What?" 1605 00:57:14,392 --> 00:57:16,561 "Nigga, you better take your stupid ass home, 1606 00:57:16,603 --> 00:57:19,064 "out here running around in them dumb-ass khakis, 1607 00:57:19,105 --> 00:57:21,775 "holding up that stupid-ass sign. 1608 00:57:21,816 --> 00:57:23,068 "What the fuck does that sign say? 1609 00:57:23,109 --> 00:57:24,611 Does that say, 'Black people rock'?" 1610 00:57:24,652 --> 00:57:26,571 I said, "Yes, it does." 1611 00:57:27,405 --> 00:57:29,324 He said, "What the fuck that got to do with anything?" 1612 00:57:29,366 --> 00:57:31,659 I said, "Mm-mm-mm." 1613 00:57:31,701 --> 00:57:32,869 He said, "Take your stupid ass home 1614 00:57:32,911 --> 00:57:33,995 before you get yourself killed." 1615 00:57:34,037 --> 00:57:36,331 I got emotional. I start crying. 1616 00:57:36,373 --> 00:57:37,749 "I can't. It's not that easy. 1617 00:57:37,791 --> 00:57:39,501 I can't just leave. I can't." 1618 00:57:39,542 --> 00:57:41,127 He said, "Why not?" 1619 00:57:41,169 --> 00:57:42,671 I said, "Because I don't know where I parked at. 1620 00:57:42,712 --> 00:57:44,964 We been running for a long time." 1621 00:57:45,006 --> 00:57:46,800 I took out my valet ticket. I gave it to him. 1622 00:57:46,841 --> 00:57:49,803 I said, "Can you help me find my car, please? 1623 00:57:49,844 --> 00:57:51,596 "I'll tip you if you help me find my car. 1624 00:57:51,638 --> 00:57:52,972 I'll tip you." 1625 00:57:53,014 --> 00:57:54,349 He said, "I don't know where your fucking car at. 1626 00:57:54,391 --> 00:57:56,643 You better ask one of them niggas over there." 1627 00:57:56,685 --> 00:57:59,020 I said, "Excuse me. 1628 00:57:59,062 --> 00:58:00,271 "Excuse me. 1629 00:58:00,313 --> 00:58:02,524 "Niggas over there, 1630 00:58:02,565 --> 00:58:04,067 can y'all help me find my car?" 1631 00:58:04,109 --> 00:58:05,985 One of them turned around. He was Mexican. 1632 00:58:06,027 --> 00:58:10,532 He looked at me. He said, "Oh. 1633 00:58:10,573 --> 00:58:13,827 Queso, huh?" 1634 00:58:13,868 --> 00:58:15,328 Ladies and gentlemen, that will do it for me. 1635 00:58:15,370 --> 00:58:17,372 That is my time. Thank you all. 1636 00:58:17,414 --> 00:58:19,082 [cheers and applause] 1637 00:58:19,124 --> 00:58:20,583 I appreciate you, Vegas. 1638 00:58:20,625 --> 00:58:23,211 Thank you so much. 1639 00:58:23,253 --> 00:58:27,090 From the top of this bitch to the bottom, thank you all. 1640 00:58:27,132 --> 00:58:29,175 I love you. 1641 00:58:29,217 --> 00:58:31,678 I thank you. 1642 00:58:31,720 --> 00:58:33,346 There's no me without you. 1643 00:58:33,388 --> 00:58:34,931 This was dope as fuck. 1644 00:58:34,973 --> 00:58:36,182 Peace. 1645 00:58:36,224 --> 00:58:38,893 - * He's a nerd, pop out * 1646 00:58:38,935 --> 00:58:40,437 * I ain't seen niggas hit corners * 1647 00:58:40,478 --> 00:58:41,688 * In the motherfucking burbs * 1648 00:58:41,730 --> 00:58:43,189 * Pop out * 1649 00:58:43,231 --> 00:58:44,524 * Done politicking with the competition * 1650 00:58:44,566 --> 00:58:46,192 * What's the word, yeah * 1651 00:58:46,234 --> 00:58:48,278 * Put that on my mama, nigga, eight in the process * 1652 00:58:48,319 --> 00:58:50,280 * Nigga tryin' to tippy-toe through the progress *