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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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[fire crackling]

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[pensive instrumental music playing]

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[gasps] Oh!

6
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-Jesus! Mamma mia, Mae! Jeez!
-Hey. Sorry.

7
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[sighs]

8
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-Marshmallow?
-Uh… No, I'm good.

9
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-Rubber band?
-Sure, I'll take one.

10
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-All right.
-Thanks.

11
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[laughing] Oh!

12
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Story time.

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-Nice. Well, I'll settle in.
-Okay.

14
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Um…

15
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[sighs]

16
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Mae, I just got mine replaced.

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[kisses]

18
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[kisses]

19
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Hope you backed up the pictures
from your wedding.

20
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[sighs]

21
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-Um, can you introduce me?
-Okay. [clears throat]

22
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-Can you do the "And now" one?
-The "And now"? Okay, got it.

23
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Thank you.

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And now, please put your hands together,

25
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and welcome to the stage,

26
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the one, the only,

27
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Mae Martin!

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[crowd cheering]

29
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Hi!

30
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[crowd continues cheering]

31
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How we doing?

32
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[chuckling] Hey.

33
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Hi.

34
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Nice to see you.

35
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Oh my God. This is the best.

36
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Thank you so much for being here.

37
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What's… Uh… Okay. [laughs]

38
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I have so much to tell you, genuinely. Um…

39
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What is everybody's name?
Should we just start…

40
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On the count of three,
everybody say your name.

41
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Ready? One, two, three.

42
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[crowd yelling names indistinctly]

43
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Hello, uh, I'm Mae.

44
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I'm so pumped to be in Canada right now.

45
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-Just, I really…
-[crowd cheering]

46
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Um, I… I am Canadian.

47
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-I'm very Canadian.
-[scattered whoops]

48
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But, please, I've been living
in England for the past 12 years.

49
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I've been living in London.
So I do sound a bit like an asshole.

50
00:02:49,377 --> 00:02:51,296
I do have a slight,

51
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like, Madonna lilt.

52
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And I'm trying so hard to fight it.
I'm really sorry. But it's…

53
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My dad's British. Like very…
He's very, very British.

54
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He's like… My dad's like
a mystical British gentleman.

55
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He's very… He's a magical man.

56
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He's very into, like,
the phases of the moon.

57
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He's… He's a moon man.
He's into, like, um…

58
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He knows all the birds
that ever visit his garden

59
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and he has
a specific relationship with each bird.

60
00:03:19,532 --> 00:03:23,286
And my childhood, like my whole childhood,
was pretty mystical.

61
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Like, the best example I can think of…

62
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Okay, when I was about eight years old,

63
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my dad was driving
my brother and I to karate class.

64
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And it was a very Canadian scene.

65
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It's like 5:00 p.m.,
the sun's already going down.

66
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It's snowing, we're on the highway.
We're going to the karate dojo.

67
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Me and my brother in the backseat.
I'm eight, my brother's 12.

68
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I was a green belt in karate,
my brother was a yellow belt.

69
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So he was four years older,
two belts lower.

70
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Um…

71
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Which is not important,
but I thought I would flag it.

72
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And, uh, we're driving along the highway

73
00:03:59,739 --> 00:04:03,243
and suddenly my dad, like,
swerves to the side of the highway

74
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in, like, a panicked move.

75
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And tires are screeching,
people are honking. Really dangerous.

76
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He pulls over,
and he's really shaken up, and he goes,

77
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[British accent] "I'm so sorry, children,
but we have to get out of the car."

78
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[regular accent] We're like, "What?"
And so we get out of the car.

79
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We're standing by the side
of the highway, in the snow.

80
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My brother, 12 years old, so embarrassed,
he's like, in his karate uniform.

81
00:04:23,513 --> 00:04:26,891
And people are driving by, they're like,
"Is he a yellow belt? 'Cause…"

82
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"Hang on a second. He looks older…"

83
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"We're gonna turn the car around.
Check this out."

84
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And so we're like, "What is going on?"
And my dad goes,

85
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"I've just seen
the new moon through glass."

86
00:04:41,406 --> 00:04:45,910
So, he had seen the sliver of the new moon
through the windshield

87
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and we had to pull over,
get out of the car,

88
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and he made us bow
to the moon three times.

89
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We had to do this whole ritual.

90
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We had to say,
"Good evening, Lady Moon." It was…

91
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It was mystical. He's a moon man.
He's deep into the moon.

92
00:05:00,508 --> 00:05:05,096
And, um, I was just visiting recently,
uh, visiting home.

93
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This is my childhood home
that I grew up in,

94
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and they've had it
since long before I was born.

95
00:05:10,768 --> 00:05:12,395
And I'm in the kitchen
with my mom and dad,

96
00:05:12,478 --> 00:05:16,399
and my dad comes up to me
and goes, "Meet me in the study at dusk."

97
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I'm like, "But I…"

98
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I go to my mom,
I'm like, "What time is dusk?"

99
00:05:20,570 --> 00:05:23,406
She's like, "I don't know." [laughs]

100
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And I go up to the study, which is like…

101
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It's been many things over the years,
it's been like a spare room or whatever.

102
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My dad's there with a glass of wine,
looking out the window.

103
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He wanted to show me
there's a family of raccoons

104
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that lives in a tree
in the neighbor's yard.

105
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And, like, every night
at dusk, they emerge,

106
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and he's got, yeah,
a relationship with them all. Um…

107
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So, we're standing,
waiting for the raccoons,

108
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and he just really dreamily goes, um…

109
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"Do you know
you were conceived in this room?"

110
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Which…

111
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So I was like, "Oh…"

112
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And I don't like to shut him down
when he's being vulnerable, so…

113
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I was like, "Wait. You remember
the specific night that I was conceived?"

114
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And he said this phrase,
which truly has haunted me

115
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ever since. He said,

116
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he goes, "Yes, of course I remember it."

117
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"I remember it well."

118
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This is what he said.

119
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"The moonlight shone in
over your mother's bottom."

120
00:06:23,466 --> 00:06:24,884
[crowd gasps, laughs]

121
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Over your…

122
00:06:35,520 --> 00:06:37,688
I feel like
you're not fully getting, like…

123
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I now know the position
I was conceived in.

124
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I'm horrified.

125
00:06:47,323 --> 00:06:50,701
Nobody wants to be conceived doggy style.

126
00:06:50,785 --> 00:06:52,995
It's so bleak.

127
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You don't want…
You want to be conceived face to face.

128
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Eye contact.

129
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At the moment of ejaculation,
just like we…

130
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"We're making a choice

131
00:07:04,715 --> 00:07:05,925
to make a life."

132
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Not like, "Ah! Bite the pillow!"
It's horrible.

133
00:07:12,098 --> 00:07:13,724
It's… It's bleak. It's like…

134
00:07:14,225 --> 00:07:16,352
It's changed how I see myself.

135
00:07:16,436 --> 00:07:17,395
Like, how I…

136
00:07:18,646 --> 00:07:20,565
I'm like, "I'm a doggy-style baby."

137
00:07:20,648 --> 00:07:22,150
[crowd laughing]

138
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Makes a lot of sense, actually.

139
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Explains a lot.

140
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It's, like, affected my posture.
I'm just a little more… I'm like…

141
00:07:29,532 --> 00:07:30,867
Just a little hunched.

142
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[laughs]

143
00:07:33,161 --> 00:07:36,622
I feel like I can spot
other doggy-style babies

144
00:07:36,706 --> 00:07:40,168
when I'm out in the world, 100%, there's…

145
00:07:40,668 --> 00:07:42,712
I'll be getting on the subway,
and there's someone…

146
00:07:42,795 --> 00:07:44,672
[grunting]

147
00:07:44,755 --> 00:07:46,757
Smoking on the subway.
I'm like, "Oh, yeah."

148
00:07:48,801 --> 00:07:50,678
Or I'll be in a bar,
and the bartender's like,

149
00:07:50,761 --> 00:07:54,056
"Sorry, someone's just sent you a drink."
I look down the bar, and… [grunting]

150
00:07:54,849 --> 00:07:56,267
Another doggy-style baby.

151
00:07:56,350 --> 00:07:59,395
There's some in here tonight.
I can see us. Several.

152
00:08:00,021 --> 00:08:01,314
[Mae laughs]

153
00:08:03,357 --> 00:08:04,192
They…

154
00:08:04,275 --> 00:08:07,111
Every time I go home to visit,
something like this happens.

155
00:08:07,195 --> 00:08:10,531
Something that derails my…
my grasp on reality.

156
00:08:10,615 --> 00:08:14,118
Like, um, okay,
my parents have this anecdote,

157
00:08:14,202 --> 00:08:16,412
and it's a story
they've been telling my whole life.

158
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Like, once a year,
they'll have a few drinks

159
00:08:18,748 --> 00:08:21,000
and tell this story
at a dinner party or whatever.

160
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Um… And it makes me feel crazy,

161
00:08:24,128 --> 00:08:26,714
because I'm like, "It cannot be true."

162
00:08:26,797 --> 00:08:29,717
So, why are you
doing this to me? What is this?

163
00:08:29,800 --> 00:08:32,011
Um, and my brother and I get really upset.

164
00:08:32,094 --> 00:08:34,514
I'll tell you the story
and then you can be the judge,

165
00:08:34,597 --> 00:08:36,224
if you think it's true or not. Okay?

166
00:08:36,307 --> 00:08:38,059
-[audience whoops]
-Okay.

167
00:08:38,142 --> 00:08:40,853
So, my parents swear

168
00:08:41,395 --> 00:08:43,356
that when they were
in their late twenties,

169
00:08:43,439 --> 00:08:45,650
they were driving
through Northern Ontario,

170
00:08:45,733 --> 00:08:48,110
down a winding road through a forest,

171
00:08:48,194 --> 00:08:51,697
and they drove under a moose.

172
00:08:52,490 --> 00:08:54,492
[crowd laughing]

173
00:08:56,035 --> 00:08:56,953
[scoffs]

174
00:08:57,745 --> 00:08:58,955
They swear.

175
00:09:00,081 --> 00:09:01,040
They swear.

176
00:09:02,708 --> 00:09:05,878
My mom says they were driving
down this winding road,

177
00:09:05,962 --> 00:09:07,880
the moose was horizontal on the road,

178
00:09:07,964 --> 00:09:10,049
and they drove under its belly.

179
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It makes me feel insane.

180
00:09:12,843 --> 00:09:14,929
I'm like, "What are you talking about?"

181
00:09:15,471 --> 00:09:18,140
It's… And so it's… [laughs]

182
00:09:18,224 --> 00:09:19,725
She does a sound effect

183
00:09:19,809 --> 00:09:22,645
of the sound of the belly fur of the moose

184
00:09:22,728 --> 00:09:24,647
gently grazing the roof of the car.

185
00:09:24,730 --> 00:09:26,649
Just like… [whooshes softly]

186
00:09:26,732 --> 00:09:28,025
Can you imagine?

187
00:09:28,776 --> 00:09:32,071
It makes me feel insane.
It makes me feel crazy.

188
00:09:32,572 --> 00:09:36,033
And, uh, it makes
my brother irate, as well. Because…

189
00:09:36,117 --> 00:09:37,577
So, the last time I was visiting,

190
00:09:37,660 --> 00:09:40,246
me and my brother were like,
"We need to get to the bottom of this."

191
00:09:40,329 --> 00:09:42,707
We need to find out
if this is even possible.

192
00:09:42,790 --> 00:09:44,250
So we did research

193
00:09:44,333 --> 00:09:47,169
and we found out
the height of a Toyota Tercel.

194
00:09:47,253 --> 00:09:49,130
That's the car they were driving.

195
00:09:49,213 --> 00:09:51,173
So, the height of the roof of the car.

196
00:09:51,257 --> 00:09:54,010
We Googled the largest
ever recorded moose.

197
00:09:56,554 --> 00:09:58,723
And the infuriating thing is

198
00:09:59,807 --> 00:10:02,643
it could <i>just</i> have happened.

199
00:10:07,815 --> 00:10:10,484
It could <i>just</i> have happened.

200
00:10:11,193 --> 00:10:15,031
If they happened to stumble upon
the biggest-ever recorded moose,

201
00:10:15,656 --> 00:10:17,408
I guess it's possible.

202
00:10:17,491 --> 00:10:18,826
It makes me feel insane.

203
00:10:20,828 --> 00:10:23,331
[sighs] You think it's true?
Give a cheer if you think it's true.

204
00:10:23,414 --> 00:10:25,666
[crowd cheering]

205
00:10:25,750 --> 00:10:26,751
Really?

206
00:10:27,293 --> 00:10:29,170
Give a cheer if you think it's bullshit.

207
00:10:29,253 --> 00:10:31,213
-[loud cheering]
-See?

208
00:10:31,922 --> 00:10:32,965
I don't know.

209
00:10:33,049 --> 00:10:35,509
I think it says a lot
about your worldview.

210
00:10:35,593 --> 00:10:40,348
Like, if you believe in the moose,
you're young at heart. You…

211
00:10:41,057 --> 00:10:45,353
You've retained a sliver of,
like, childlike enthusiasm

212
00:10:45,853 --> 00:10:46,729
about life.

213
00:10:46,812 --> 00:10:48,981
And if you don't believe
in the moose, you're…

214
00:10:49,065 --> 00:10:50,900
Look, it's been a tough couple years.

215
00:10:52,193 --> 00:10:54,945
It's been tough, hasn't it? Oh my God.

216
00:10:55,488 --> 00:10:58,407
It really has. We got to do
whatever it takes to get by.

217
00:10:58,491 --> 00:11:00,534
You know? Whatever makes you feel good.

218
00:11:00,618 --> 00:11:04,830
Like… So my father
sent me a news article recently.

219
00:11:04,914 --> 00:11:08,042
Uh, he sent me this news article,
and was like, "I thought you'd like this."

220
00:11:08,125 --> 00:11:10,878
"I thought you'd relate to it."
Those are the words he used.

221
00:11:10,961 --> 00:11:12,630
"I thought you'd really relate to this."

222
00:11:12,713 --> 00:11:15,508
This was the story,
and I haven't stopped thinking about it.

223
00:11:15,591 --> 00:11:19,053
I'm going to tell it to you.
So this, it happened in the Netherlands,

224
00:11:19,136 --> 00:11:21,263
in a small town in the Netherlands,

225
00:11:21,347 --> 00:11:25,935
where basically this family noticed
that they weren't getting any mail.

226
00:11:26,018 --> 00:11:28,896
They were like, "We haven't received
any mail in a long time."

227
00:11:28,979 --> 00:11:30,648
Weeks start going by.

228
00:11:30,731 --> 00:11:33,067
They're like,
"Wait. We're not even getting our bills

229
00:11:33,150 --> 00:11:35,653
or pamphlets in the mail.
This is really weird."

230
00:11:35,736 --> 00:11:38,739
So they go to their neighbors.
"Are you guys getting your mail?"

231
00:11:38,823 --> 00:11:41,826
They're like, "No.
This is so weird. Not for so long."

232
00:11:41,909 --> 00:11:45,996
So they go to the post office
and speak to, like, the boss.

233
00:11:46,080 --> 00:11:47,748
The mail boss, you know. [chuckling]

234
00:11:48,249 --> 00:11:49,709
You know, the mail boss…

235
00:11:50,543 --> 00:11:52,253
that you have to defeat

236
00:11:53,838 --> 00:11:56,048
to pass Level 10. [laughs]

237
00:11:56,549 --> 00:11:58,300
He's like… [growls] And, um…

238
00:11:59,135 --> 00:12:01,470
They're like,
"We're not getting any of our mail."

239
00:12:01,554 --> 00:12:03,222
He's like, "I'll look into it."

240
00:12:03,305 --> 00:12:06,517
He goes to speak to the mailman
who's responsible for that block.

241
00:12:06,600 --> 00:12:10,229
And I can't remember the mailman's name,
so we'll call him like… Gary.

242
00:12:10,312 --> 00:12:11,647
We'll call him Gary.

243
00:12:11,731 --> 00:12:15,651
He's like, "Gary, these people are saying
that they're not getting their mail."

244
00:12:15,735 --> 00:12:16,902
"What's going on?"

245
00:12:16,986 --> 00:12:19,488
And Gary's like
weirdly defensive right away.

246
00:12:19,572 --> 00:12:22,533
He's like, "I don't know what to tell you.
I deliver the mail."

247
00:12:22,616 --> 00:12:25,536
"If they're not getting mail,
it means no one's writing to them."

248
00:12:25,619 --> 00:12:27,079
They're like, "Okay."

249
00:12:27,663 --> 00:12:29,623
So the mail boss is like, "Okay, Gary."

250
00:12:29,707 --> 00:12:33,335
But privately, to his coworkers,
he's like, "What's up with Gary?"

251
00:12:33,419 --> 00:12:34,920
Gary is being really weird.

252
00:12:35,004 --> 00:12:37,298
So they decide
they're going to keep an eye on Gary

253
00:12:37,381 --> 00:12:38,924
and investigate the sitch.

254
00:12:39,008 --> 00:12:40,468
And so, the next day,

255
00:12:40,551 --> 00:12:43,429
Gary comes to work and first red flag,

256
00:12:43,512 --> 00:12:46,056
he picks up the mail
and gets in his personal vehicle.

257
00:12:46,140 --> 00:12:47,892
Not the mail truck or whatever.

258
00:12:47,975 --> 00:12:50,311
Gets in his… And he drives out of town.

259
00:12:51,562 --> 00:12:54,190
So they're like, "Fuck."
And they followed him.

260
00:12:54,690 --> 00:12:56,025
They follow him,

261
00:12:56,108 --> 00:12:58,652
and he drives into the forest
in the Netherlands.

262
00:12:58,736 --> 00:13:00,863
And they follow him at a distance.

263
00:13:00,946 --> 00:13:03,908
They watch him park. They park.
They're keeping an eye on him.

264
00:13:03,991 --> 00:13:05,576
They see him get out of the car.

265
00:13:05,659 --> 00:13:09,288
He takes the bag of mail, he goes
into the woods, he's gone 45 minutes.

266
00:13:09,371 --> 00:13:11,290
He comes back out with no bag.

267
00:13:12,124 --> 00:13:13,918
Gets in his car, drives away.

268
00:13:14,001 --> 00:13:17,254
So they go in after him.
Into the forest. And…

269
00:13:17,755 --> 00:13:20,716
Imagine this. This is the sight
they're confronted with, okay?

270
00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:23,761
Beautiful, dappled sunlight, you know.

271
00:13:23,844 --> 00:13:25,554
Mist rising from the moss.

272
00:13:25,638 --> 00:13:29,558
There's a lone moose.
A huge moose in the background.

273
00:13:29,642 --> 00:13:31,727
Just towering over the trees, truly.

274
00:13:32,228 --> 00:13:33,521
Um… [laughs]

275
00:13:33,604 --> 00:13:36,232
And they see, as far as the eye can see,

276
00:13:36,315 --> 00:13:39,443
there are hundreds of piles
of freshly turned earth.

277
00:13:39,527 --> 00:13:42,530
Little-- In neat rows
stretching through the forest.

278
00:13:42,613 --> 00:13:44,907
And they dust, they brush the dirt up.

279
00:13:44,990 --> 00:13:47,076
Gary's been burying the mail.

280
00:13:48,702 --> 00:13:50,246
He's been burying the mail for ages.

281
00:13:50,329 --> 00:13:54,083
This has obviously been going on
a long time and it's now amped up.

282
00:13:54,166 --> 00:13:55,668
They're like, "Fuck." And, uh…

283
00:13:56,168 --> 00:13:58,587
They approach him the next day at work.

284
00:13:58,671 --> 00:13:59,672
Gently.

285
00:13:59,755 --> 00:14:02,091
They approach him gently.
They're like, "Hey, Gar. Um…"

286
00:14:02,174 --> 00:14:03,676
[clicks tongue] "I…"

287
00:14:04,552 --> 00:14:07,137
"We noticed you've been burying the mail."

288
00:14:09,139 --> 00:14:12,184
"And we were just wondering,
why are you doing that?"

289
00:14:12,268 --> 00:14:16,105
And in the news article, this was
the direct quote from the mailman,

290
00:14:16,188 --> 00:14:18,983
in answer to the question,
"Why are you burying the mail?"

291
00:14:19,066 --> 00:14:21,485
This is what he said. He said,

292
00:14:21,569 --> 00:14:24,321
"I did it once, it felt good."

293
00:14:27,408 --> 00:14:30,578
"And now it's just kind of what I do."

294
00:14:32,538 --> 00:14:34,665
I love him.

295
00:14:35,583 --> 00:14:37,334
He's my hero, I…

296
00:14:37,418 --> 00:14:39,461
Guys, Gary went to jail.

297
00:14:39,545 --> 00:14:42,172
He went to jail for eight months. Yeah.

298
00:14:42,256 --> 00:14:45,259
You can't fuck with the mail,
that's a federal offense. Um…

299
00:14:45,342 --> 00:14:48,512
He went to jail. And I wanted
to write him fan mail in jail,

300
00:14:48,596 --> 00:14:50,222
but I don't want to stress him out.

301
00:14:50,306 --> 00:14:53,183
'Cause he'd be like,
"I want to bury it. Argh!"

302
00:14:55,436 --> 00:14:56,520
[laughs]

303
00:14:57,104 --> 00:14:58,772
But, no, I really was, like…

304
00:14:58,856 --> 00:15:01,442
I've never felt so seen by my father. Um…

305
00:15:02,234 --> 00:15:03,777
That's… [chuckles]

306
00:15:04,361 --> 00:15:07,823
It has been tough.
Like, I'm trying to get back into life

307
00:15:07,907 --> 00:15:11,035
and sort of feel that enthusiasm again
of pre-pandemic life.

308
00:15:11,118 --> 00:15:15,831
Especially, I'm struggling to feel
that enthusiasm in my romantic life.

309
00:15:15,915 --> 00:15:17,791
I don't know
if anyone is in the same boat.

310
00:15:17,875 --> 00:15:21,211
-[scattered cheers]
-But post-pandemic dating, like, I'm…

311
00:15:21,295 --> 00:15:23,964
'Cause I'm 35, like…

312
00:15:24,048 --> 00:15:26,550
In my early 20s, so romantic.

313
00:15:26,634 --> 00:15:28,594
Obsessed with finding "the one."

314
00:15:28,677 --> 00:15:31,972
My parents are very in love
and that was my model. So I just…

315
00:15:32,056 --> 00:15:35,476
Somebody would be, "Do you have the time?"
And I'd be, "I love you as well."

316
00:15:36,477 --> 00:15:37,645
Is that…

317
00:15:38,228 --> 00:15:39,313
"And I…"

318
00:15:39,396 --> 00:15:41,982
"And I want to go with you."
[awkward laugh]

319
00:15:42,816 --> 00:15:43,943
"Where are we going?"

320
00:15:44,693 --> 00:15:48,322
Um, and now
I'm just a bit like… I don't know.

321
00:15:48,405 --> 00:15:49,907
Last summer, I dated someone.

322
00:15:49,990 --> 00:15:52,534
A man, actually,
a lovely man, if you can believe.

323
00:15:52,618 --> 00:15:54,662
Not if you-- Wait, not if you…

324
00:15:55,913 --> 00:15:58,749
Not "if you can believe
that men can be lovely."

325
00:15:58,832 --> 00:16:00,334
Of course they can.

326
00:16:00,417 --> 00:16:01,961
But if you can believe that <i>I…</i>

327
00:16:02,044 --> 00:16:02,920
Um…

328
00:16:03,712 --> 00:16:07,424
Yeah, so we dated for like six months,
me and this guy and, uh…

329
00:16:07,508 --> 00:16:10,719
You know it was really nice,
but I'm 35, he's 36.

330
00:16:10,803 --> 00:16:13,931
Like, at this point,
we both have big exes in our past.

331
00:16:14,014 --> 00:16:17,643
You know what I mean? We're never
going to be that big ex for each other.

332
00:16:17,726 --> 00:16:20,354
Like, we're never
gonna properly traumatize each other,

333
00:16:20,437 --> 00:16:21,855
so it's kind of like…

334
00:16:22,356 --> 00:16:24,066
What's the point? Um…

335
00:16:24,149 --> 00:16:25,401
[audience laughter]

336
00:16:25,484 --> 00:16:26,443
And… [laughs]

337
00:16:26,944 --> 00:16:30,197
So, we were in bed one night,
and we were just chatting,

338
00:16:30,280 --> 00:16:33,701
we were having a nice light-hearted chat.
He wasn't trying to be heavy.

339
00:16:33,784 --> 00:16:37,121
He just goes, "If we had kids one day,
what would we name our kids?"

340
00:16:37,204 --> 00:16:38,664
I was, like, "I don't…"

341
00:16:38,747 --> 00:16:40,708
I was like, "I don't know."

342
00:16:40,791 --> 00:16:44,420
At this point, I've had
that conversation with so many people.

343
00:16:44,920 --> 00:16:46,046
I was like… [sighs]

344
00:16:46,130 --> 00:16:47,381
"I don't know."

345
00:16:48,007 --> 00:16:52,553
"Let me just wade through this graveyard
of dead hypothetical children

346
00:16:53,846 --> 00:16:56,432
to try to get to
the new hypothetical kids."

347
00:16:56,515 --> 00:16:58,851
I'm passing the ghosts of 'em.
I'm like, "Oh, look!"

348
00:16:58,934 --> 00:17:01,353
"There's Olive and Basil, the twins."

349
00:17:01,895 --> 00:17:02,771
[laughs]

350
00:17:03,397 --> 00:17:06,525
They're there. They're like,
"You forgot about us."

351
00:17:07,651 --> 00:17:09,319
I'm like, "Oh, fuck off."

352
00:17:09,903 --> 00:17:14,074
There's little Clementine,
I sent her to a private school. You know?

353
00:17:14,742 --> 00:17:17,161
She's got a clarinet through her head.

354
00:17:17,244 --> 00:17:19,413
[in child's voice]
"Come and play with me."

355
00:17:19,496 --> 00:17:20,956
[regular voice] I'm like, "No."

356
00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:25,085
[chuckling] And I finally find
the new hypothetical children,

357
00:17:25,169 --> 00:17:28,005
I'm like, "I have no creative energy left

358
00:17:28,088 --> 00:17:29,381
to name these children."

359
00:17:29,465 --> 00:17:32,009
Like, "Can we just call them both Ian?"
I don't know.

360
00:17:34,762 --> 00:17:37,639
Did you guys know that…? This is true.

361
00:17:37,723 --> 00:17:41,560
In 2018, there were no new Ian's born.
There were no…

362
00:17:42,311 --> 00:17:43,270
It's a true story.

363
00:17:43,353 --> 00:17:48,025
In 2018, not a single new Ian registered
on this planet Earth. That is true.

364
00:17:49,443 --> 00:17:51,236
And if you're watching this,

365
00:17:51,779 --> 00:17:54,448
and you hate the show,
at least take that with you. You know?

366
00:17:55,908 --> 00:17:59,369
Wait, so do you guys know
what I mean when I say big ex?

367
00:17:59,453 --> 00:18:02,206
-Like, you have your exes.
-[scattered cheering]

368
00:18:02,289 --> 00:18:04,041
Okay. Really?

369
00:18:04,124 --> 00:18:05,959
You're like, "Yes, we know."

370
00:18:08,128 --> 00:18:12,674
Like you have your normal exes
and then you have, like, your big exes.

371
00:18:13,884 --> 00:18:17,012
Where you reach a certain page
in the novel of your life… No.

372
00:18:17,096 --> 00:18:21,433
Uh, I do feel you reach a certain age
and you just have to accept

373
00:18:21,517 --> 00:18:24,103
that for the rest of your life
there's certain names,

374
00:18:24,186 --> 00:18:27,856
where every time you hear them,
all of your organs are gonna dissolve.

375
00:18:29,024 --> 00:18:32,444
And just fall out of your vagina.

376
00:18:33,737 --> 00:18:35,572
Or your bum hole, if you don't…

377
00:18:36,782 --> 00:18:41,286
And you have to carry around a plastic bag
just in case you have to collect your…

378
00:18:42,162 --> 00:18:43,413
[laughs]

379
00:18:43,497 --> 00:18:44,748
It's disgusting.

380
00:18:44,832 --> 00:18:45,666
Um…

381
00:18:46,166 --> 00:18:48,669
So, I have a couple
of significant big exes,

382
00:18:48,752 --> 00:18:50,129
but I have this one who…

383
00:18:50,212 --> 00:18:52,047
I want to tell you this story.

384
00:18:52,131 --> 00:18:56,135
So basically, this ex,
it was a really intense relationship,

385
00:18:56,218 --> 00:18:57,427
it was like four years.

386
00:18:57,511 --> 00:18:59,346
And it was a secret relationship

387
00:18:59,429 --> 00:19:02,391
because it was her first
non-heterosexual relationship.

388
00:19:02,474 --> 00:19:05,394
She was like, "We can't tell anyone."
And we lived together.

389
00:19:05,477 --> 00:19:07,688
It was so stressful.
And she broke up with me,

390
00:19:07,771 --> 00:19:09,731
which is not allowed. Um…

391
00:19:10,774 --> 00:19:13,610
Which… I thought I had made that clear.

392
00:19:15,195 --> 00:19:16,822
[chuckles] Um…

393
00:19:17,489 --> 00:19:19,241
It was a long, drawn-out break-up.

394
00:19:19,324 --> 00:19:21,952
Anyway, so at the point
where this story takes place,

395
00:19:22,035 --> 00:19:24,663
I hadn't seen her in a year and a half
or had any contact.

396
00:19:24,746 --> 00:19:29,668
I was in London and I was doing a show,
and I was feeling good that night.

397
00:19:29,751 --> 00:19:32,004
You know what I mean?
Like, I had a fresh haircut.

398
00:19:32,087 --> 00:19:34,131
I was freshly shorn. You know the feeling?

399
00:19:35,132 --> 00:19:38,343
I was wearing a crisp black T-shirt and…

400
00:19:38,427 --> 00:19:39,386
[laughs]

401
00:19:40,053 --> 00:19:42,556
Crisper than this. I'm sorry about this.

402
00:19:42,639 --> 00:19:45,475
This is… crumpled.

403
00:19:45,559 --> 00:19:47,144
Crumplestiltskin over here.

404
00:19:47,227 --> 00:19:48,645
[laughing]

405
00:19:51,190 --> 00:19:53,025
Do you remember Rumpelstiltskin?

406
00:19:53,108 --> 00:19:54,902
[crowd cheering]

407
00:19:54,985 --> 00:19:57,696
What happened to him?
He used to be everywhere.

408
00:19:59,323 --> 00:20:01,241
We used to always talk about him.

409
00:20:01,325 --> 00:20:04,286
When you're a kid,
Rumpelstiltskin this, Rumpelstiltskin…

410
00:20:04,995 --> 00:20:07,039
Now you never hear about him.

411
00:20:08,582 --> 00:20:09,708
I get it.

412
00:20:10,918 --> 00:20:13,170
It's hard to stay relevant. You know?

413
00:20:13,253 --> 00:20:16,256
He's, like, faded into obscurity.

414
00:20:17,299 --> 00:20:20,636
Anyway, so I'm feeling good
on this particular night, feeling crisp.

415
00:20:20,719 --> 00:20:22,346
Feeling shorn, and, uh…

416
00:20:23,263 --> 00:20:25,933
And also my best friend Joe
was with me that night.

417
00:20:26,016 --> 00:20:27,976
He was in the audience of my show.

418
00:20:28,060 --> 00:20:30,771
I love having Joe in the audience,
he's a generous laugher.

419
00:20:30,854 --> 00:20:33,065
He's a real angel,
like, my best, best friend.

420
00:20:33,148 --> 00:20:35,442
And, um, I do the show, it goes well.

421
00:20:35,525 --> 00:20:39,613
And I go to the green room afterwards.
Out the green room door to meet Joe.

422
00:20:39,696 --> 00:20:42,491
And I'm… It was a good show.
I'm like, "Hey, man. Fun show."

423
00:20:42,574 --> 00:20:44,117
But he's like green.

424
00:20:44,201 --> 00:20:46,995
Just all the color has left his face,
and he just goes,

425
00:20:47,079 --> 00:20:48,080
"She's here."

426
00:20:48,872 --> 00:20:50,332
And I'm like, "Fuck."

427
00:20:50,415 --> 00:20:53,335
I know exactly who he means right away,
so I'm like, "Okay."

428
00:20:53,418 --> 00:20:55,128
And he goes, "Look, she's upstairs."

429
00:20:55,212 --> 00:20:58,465
"She doesn't know you're in the building.
She came to the bar to have a drink

430
00:20:58,548 --> 00:21:00,217
with some of our mutual friends."

431
00:21:00,300 --> 00:21:02,219
He goes, "Let's just sneak out the back."

432
00:21:02,302 --> 00:21:05,681
"Let's have a fun night.
We'll go to a different bar."

433
00:21:05,764 --> 00:21:07,557
And I thought about it.

434
00:21:10,227 --> 00:21:12,312
And then I thought, "No."

435
00:21:15,107 --> 00:21:16,817
"I don't want to have a fun night."

436
00:21:21,822 --> 00:21:23,782
So, I'm like, "No, we'll go upstairs."

437
00:21:23,865 --> 00:21:25,575
We go up, I'm feeling confident.

438
00:21:25,659 --> 00:21:28,412
I see, there she is
with our mutual friends and, um…

439
00:21:28,495 --> 00:21:32,457
You guys would have been very proud of me.
I walk over very cool. [laughs]

440
00:21:32,541 --> 00:21:33,917
What does that mean?

441
00:21:34,001 --> 00:21:35,043
I walk over…

442
00:21:36,211 --> 00:21:37,045
Uh…

443
00:21:37,587 --> 00:21:40,465
Um… No, I walk over
feeling confident. And…

444
00:21:40,549 --> 00:21:44,469
I'm also… I have the element of surprise.
She doesn't know I'm in the building.

445
00:21:44,553 --> 00:21:47,556
I think this is gonna work in my favor.
So I walk over, go, "Hey."

446
00:21:47,639 --> 00:21:51,101
Our mutual friends, they all know
how bad the breakup was by this point,

447
00:21:51,184 --> 00:21:52,394
so they see me coming.

448
00:21:55,230 --> 00:21:56,815
I go, "Hey, how's it going?"

449
00:21:56,898 --> 00:21:59,860
She's like, "Oh my God, hi."
She stands up. We hug.

450
00:21:59,943 --> 00:22:02,821
It's really nice.
I go, "Great to see you."

451
00:22:02,904 --> 00:22:05,449
"Hey, I heard you got that part,
that's so great."

452
00:22:05,532 --> 00:22:08,577
She's like, "Yeah. Congrats on stuff."
And I'm like, "Yeah, great."

453
00:22:08,660 --> 00:22:11,038
It's going well, and I suddenly think,
"You know what,

454
00:22:11,121 --> 00:22:13,623
I need to be the one
to end this interaction." Right?

455
00:22:13,707 --> 00:22:16,710
I need to retain control of the situation.
Like, I need to…

456
00:22:16,793 --> 00:22:20,172
We talked for a while, and I go,
"Listen, so good to see you…"

457
00:22:20,255 --> 00:22:22,007
She goes, "You want to sit down?"

458
00:22:22,090 --> 00:22:24,551
I'm, "No, no, I'm gonna hang
with my friends at the bar,

459
00:22:24,634 --> 00:22:27,429
but it's really nice to see you."
We hug again, she sits down.

460
00:22:27,512 --> 00:22:31,141
I'm walking to the bar
and she's still kinda casting glances

461
00:22:31,224 --> 00:22:33,393
over her shoulder as I walk to the bar.

462
00:22:34,061 --> 00:22:37,189
And, as I'm walking to the bar,
I suddenly realize,

463
00:22:37,773 --> 00:22:39,566
"What friends at the bar?"

464
00:22:41,610 --> 00:22:44,279
There are no friends at the bar.

465
00:22:45,364 --> 00:22:47,657
Joe has sat down at her table.

466
00:22:49,034 --> 00:22:50,535
He's a snake.

467
00:22:51,453 --> 00:22:52,829
He's dead to me.

468
00:22:54,623 --> 00:22:56,666
I'm panicking 'cause
she's still kinda looking.

469
00:22:56,750 --> 00:22:58,627
And I'm walking to the bar.

470
00:22:58,710 --> 00:23:02,756
Thank God, at the last second,
I see three girls who were in my show.

471
00:23:02,839 --> 00:23:04,841
They were in the front row of my show.

472
00:23:04,925 --> 00:23:06,593
So I'm approaching the bar,

473
00:23:06,676 --> 00:23:09,262
thank God, one of them goes,
"Hey, great show tonight."

474
00:23:09,346 --> 00:23:10,347
So I think…

475
00:23:12,933 --> 00:23:16,103
I think probably what
she wanted out of that interaction,

476
00:23:16,186 --> 00:23:19,147
like, what she expected
from that interaction, was kind of like,

477
00:23:19,231 --> 00:23:22,150
"Hey. Great show tonight."
"Oh, cheers, thanks for coming."

478
00:23:26,863 --> 00:23:31,076
What she got was so intense.

479
00:23:32,202 --> 00:23:35,997
I was like, "Hi, how are you?
What are all of your names and jobs?"

480
00:23:36,498 --> 00:23:39,251
So tactile as well. Weirdly tactile.

481
00:23:39,334 --> 00:23:43,088
Like my arm around all their shoulders,
like my head on their shoulder. I'm like…

482
00:23:43,171 --> 00:23:45,090
Mm! [laughs]

483
00:23:46,091 --> 00:23:48,844
They're like, "Whoa, okay. Uh…"
We're chatting.

484
00:23:48,927 --> 00:23:52,389
Then, thank God, we start chatting,
it's going well, we're getting along.

485
00:23:52,472 --> 00:23:53,849
So I'm like, "Crisis averted."

486
00:23:53,932 --> 00:23:57,102
They're like, "You want a drink?"
I'm like, "Yeah." We're having a drink

487
00:23:57,185 --> 00:24:01,731
and I suddenly feel a tap on my shoulder,
and I look around and it's my big ex.

488
00:24:01,815 --> 00:24:05,527
This time she has the element of surprise,
because I wasn't expecting it.

489
00:24:05,610 --> 00:24:09,906
She goes, "Hey, sorry to interrupt,
I want to say bye, I'm leaving now."

490
00:24:09,990 --> 00:24:12,868
I'm like, "Yeah, yeah." And we hug.

491
00:24:13,660 --> 00:24:15,495
And she said something awful, like…

492
00:24:15,579 --> 00:24:16,788
Like…

493
00:24:16,872 --> 00:24:20,041
"I'm sure our paths will cross one day."
You know what I mean?

494
00:24:20,125 --> 00:24:23,587
Something like that,
where all my organs dissolve.

495
00:24:23,670 --> 00:24:25,338
Get the plastic bag out. Oh God.

496
00:24:25,839 --> 00:24:27,299
Um… [laughs]

497
00:24:27,883 --> 00:24:30,093
And so we hug,
and she's leaving, she turns.

498
00:24:30,177 --> 00:24:32,804
She's still kind of
saying goodbye to some people here,

499
00:24:32,888 --> 00:24:34,890
and I turn back to my "friends,"

500
00:24:36,183 --> 00:24:39,478
and suddenly, like,
I guess I just got overwhelmed.

501
00:24:39,561 --> 00:24:41,605
And the floodgates just open

502
00:24:41,688 --> 00:24:43,273
and I just start sobbing.

503
00:24:43,356 --> 00:24:46,735
So… No, my face
like crumbles, my shoulders…

504
00:24:46,818 --> 00:24:48,612
I'm literally just like… [sobs]

505
00:24:48,695 --> 00:24:51,656
They're like, "Oh my God, are you okay?"
And I just go,

506
00:24:51,740 --> 00:24:53,950
"Laugh, laugh!" [sobs]

507
00:24:55,243 --> 00:24:56,286
"Laugh!"

508
00:24:57,537 --> 00:25:01,625
It was psychotic behavior.

509
00:25:02,125 --> 00:25:04,377
I'm literally like, "Fucking laugh. Ah!"

510
00:25:04,461 --> 00:25:05,504
[sobs]

511
00:25:06,129 --> 00:25:07,130
And they're all like…

512
00:25:07,214 --> 00:25:08,507
"Ha-ha-ha-ha."

513
00:25:10,550 --> 00:25:11,468
[laughs]

514
00:25:13,512 --> 00:25:14,596
[sighs]

515
00:25:14,679 --> 00:25:17,224
There's no real punchline
to that story, it's just…

516
00:25:18,099 --> 00:25:20,310
a vignette, if you will.

517
00:25:21,645 --> 00:25:24,981
To illustrate the level of emotion
I'm operating on. I mean…

518
00:25:25,565 --> 00:25:28,485
I have a lot of feelings.
Do you guys have a lot of feelings?

519
00:25:28,568 --> 00:25:31,238
[crowd whooping, clapping]

520
00:25:31,321 --> 00:25:32,948
It's exhausting, you know.

521
00:25:33,698 --> 00:25:36,660
I'm full to the absolute brim
with feelings.

522
00:25:36,743 --> 00:25:38,828
I always visualize, um…

523
00:25:39,579 --> 00:25:41,623
like Campbell's tomato soup.

524
00:25:41,706 --> 00:25:43,291
That it's… You know what I mean?

525
00:25:43,375 --> 00:25:46,086
Campbell's cream of tomato soup.
And then I'm full to brim.

526
00:25:46,169 --> 00:25:49,214
Right to the top of my skull,
just trying to keep it contained.

527
00:25:49,297 --> 00:25:52,008
Just trying to keep it
from sloshing out of my orifices

528
00:25:52,092 --> 00:25:56,263
as I make my way through life.
That's how I feel about my feelings.

529
00:25:56,346 --> 00:25:58,390
All it takes is
one person goes, "How are you?"

530
00:25:58,473 --> 00:25:59,641
And it's like… fling!

531
00:25:59,724 --> 00:26:01,351
Like, it shoots out my ear.

532
00:26:01,434 --> 00:26:04,104
They're like, "Oh God."
I'm like, "I'm sorry." [sobbing]

533
00:26:05,313 --> 00:26:07,274
[sadly] "That's not about you."

534
00:26:08,525 --> 00:26:09,442
[chuckles]

535
00:26:09,985 --> 00:26:12,487
No, I'm all right.
I got a therapist recently.

536
00:26:12,571 --> 00:26:14,698
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-[crowd cheering]

537
00:26:15,824 --> 00:26:18,952
Yeah, you have to, guys. You do. Like…

538
00:26:20,370 --> 00:26:23,623
Well, if you're gonna complain
as much as I complain,

539
00:26:23,707 --> 00:26:26,001
unfortunately, you do have to get one. Um…

540
00:26:26,626 --> 00:26:27,502
Yeah.

541
00:26:28,878 --> 00:26:31,131
I feel like my friends were
starting to be like,

542
00:26:31,214 --> 00:26:34,384
"You should pay someone
to do what you expect of us."

543
00:26:35,385 --> 00:26:37,053
I was like, "Oh, okay."

544
00:26:37,554 --> 00:26:41,558
I found this therapist
and he's really smart and we Zoom.

545
00:26:41,641 --> 00:26:43,643
And he said something interesting
where he said,

546
00:26:43,727 --> 00:26:45,729
"Remember, you are not the feeling."

547
00:26:45,812 --> 00:26:49,858
"Sure you feel consumed by the feeling,
but you are not the feeling."

548
00:26:49,941 --> 00:26:52,402
He said, "Within you, and within everyone,

549
00:26:52,485 --> 00:26:56,239
there's a very still,
neutral, eternal self."

550
00:26:56,323 --> 00:27:00,327
"And you experience the feelings,
but you're not consumed by them."

551
00:27:00,410 --> 00:27:03,747
He said, "Rather than identifying
so much with the feeling,

552
00:27:03,830 --> 00:27:08,126
like, 'I'm anxious, I'm this.'" He said,
"Don't be consumed by the feeling."

553
00:27:08,209 --> 00:27:12,255
"Just observe the feelings
as they come, with curiosity."

554
00:27:14,549 --> 00:27:17,344
Have you heard that before?
Apparently that's the…

555
00:27:17,427 --> 00:27:19,763
So I think you're
just supposed to be like, "Huh."

556
00:27:24,643 --> 00:27:26,102
"I'm experiencing

557
00:27:27,354 --> 00:27:28,229
rage."

558
00:27:31,524 --> 00:27:33,026
"How curious."

559
00:27:34,778 --> 00:27:36,404
"How curious."

560
00:27:38,573 --> 00:27:39,658
[laughs]

561
00:27:41,993 --> 00:27:45,664
I had a really, um, weird thing

562
00:27:45,747 --> 00:27:48,750
where, during the pandemic…
I spent the whole pandemic in London.

563
00:27:48,833 --> 00:27:53,088
I was just in my apartment,
in the rain, in London for… years.

564
00:27:53,171 --> 00:27:54,255
[laughs]

565
00:27:54,339 --> 00:27:58,635
And, uh, I noticed
an unexpected feeling bubbling up

566
00:27:58,718 --> 00:28:00,845
where I was, "Why do I feel embarrassed?"

567
00:28:00,929 --> 00:28:02,972
Like, I would wake up feeling embarrassed.

568
00:28:03,056 --> 00:28:06,768
And I was spending a lot of time,
obviously, in my apartment.

569
00:28:06,851 --> 00:28:09,896
in my living room,
and in my bedroom, specifically.

570
00:28:09,979 --> 00:28:12,691
And I was like,
"Wait, okay, maybe it's this."

571
00:28:13,274 --> 00:28:14,359
Okay, stay with me.

572
00:28:14,442 --> 00:28:17,612
Don't you think it's kind of embarrassing
that we're adults

573
00:28:17,696 --> 00:28:19,280
and we still have rooms?

574
00:28:20,657 --> 00:28:22,534
Okay, stay, wait.

575
00:28:22,617 --> 00:28:25,537
That we're like, "This is my room. Hm."

576
00:28:28,248 --> 00:28:29,666
"This is my room."

577
00:28:31,000 --> 00:28:32,377
"Don't go in my room."

578
00:28:32,460 --> 00:28:33,795
[laughs]

579
00:28:33,878 --> 00:28:37,173
It's embarrassing.
"I have to clean my room."

580
00:28:37,924 --> 00:28:42,887
And, like, please. I, of course, accept
and understand that we need rooms.

581
00:28:42,971 --> 00:28:47,851
You need four walls within which
to lay your weary head each night.

582
00:28:48,560 --> 00:28:51,187
But I think what I find
so embarrassing about it

583
00:28:51,271 --> 00:28:55,984
is, like, the way we decorate our rooms
to reflect our individuality.

584
00:28:56,651 --> 00:28:58,737
And we're like, "I'm me." Right?

585
00:29:00,029 --> 00:29:02,449
"I'm myself in my room."

586
00:29:02,532 --> 00:29:04,826
It's so embarrassing.

587
00:29:04,909 --> 00:29:07,078
"I have one Himalayan salt lamp."

588
00:29:08,163 --> 00:29:09,748
"Yes I do, and I'm me."

589
00:29:10,749 --> 00:29:13,126
"I have my picture on the wall and I…"

590
00:29:13,209 --> 00:29:15,920
When you finish reading a book,
you never get rid of it.

591
00:29:16,004 --> 00:29:17,881
You're like,
"I put it on the shelf in my…"

592
00:29:17,964 --> 00:29:21,134
"That is my personality
on display for all to see."

593
00:29:21,217 --> 00:29:22,469
[chuckles]

594
00:29:24,929 --> 00:29:26,306
"No one else is me."

595
00:29:27,849 --> 00:29:30,977
And then I was thinking…
Okay, this is a little abstract,

596
00:29:31,060 --> 00:29:34,272
but don't you think, in a way,
our brains and our minds

597
00:29:34,355 --> 00:29:35,690
are like our rooms,

598
00:29:35,774 --> 00:29:39,861
and we furnish our minds
with experiences that we collect

599
00:29:39,944 --> 00:29:42,739
to then build what we think of
as our identity and selves?

600
00:29:42,822 --> 00:29:44,240
And that's all we're doing.

601
00:29:44,324 --> 00:29:46,493
We're little experience hunters,
collecting these

602
00:29:46,576 --> 00:29:49,871
to put them on our brain shelves
and be like, "I'm me."

603
00:29:49,954 --> 00:29:53,166
And I always visualize
every experience that we collect

604
00:29:53,249 --> 00:29:55,293
is like a little novelty snow globe.

605
00:29:55,376 --> 00:29:57,378
We're just going around, being like,

606
00:29:57,462 --> 00:30:00,840
"One time I saw Antonio Banderas
at the airport. Yes, I did."

607
00:30:01,424 --> 00:30:03,676
"I'm myself. And no one else is me."

608
00:30:04,177 --> 00:30:05,553
[laughs]

609
00:30:05,637 --> 00:30:06,513
And then

610
00:30:07,263 --> 00:30:10,517
all human interaction is, really…

611
00:30:10,600 --> 00:30:15,021
I really noticed this coming out
of the pandemic. All interaction is just

612
00:30:15,104 --> 00:30:17,649
basically taking turns
showing each other our snow globes.

613
00:30:17,732 --> 00:30:19,275
And being like, "I…"

614
00:30:19,943 --> 00:30:22,987
And just pathetically taking turns.

615
00:30:23,071 --> 00:30:26,741
And, like, someone will be
showing you their snow globe, you know,

616
00:30:26,825 --> 00:30:28,701
and you're trying to be a good listener.

617
00:30:28,785 --> 00:30:31,246
It's a story about a party
they went to five years ago.

618
00:30:31,329 --> 00:30:33,873
And you're like, "Yes,
and you are you as well."

619
00:30:36,000 --> 00:30:38,044
Like, "Yes, exactly, yes."

620
00:30:38,127 --> 00:30:40,505
"How wonderful to be yourself as well."

621
00:30:41,214 --> 00:30:45,009
But the whole time,
your eyes are darting to your own shelf.

622
00:30:45,093 --> 00:30:49,097
A hundred percent, the whole time…
You're like, "Mmm, yes. Well, no. Yes."

623
00:30:49,180 --> 00:30:50,723
Waiting for your moment

624
00:30:51,724 --> 00:30:54,018
to be like, "And me as well. I have one…"

625
00:30:56,312 --> 00:30:57,522
-[laughs]
-[crowd cheering]

626
00:30:57,605 --> 00:30:58,523
Thank you.

627
00:31:09,409 --> 00:31:11,411
This is so exciting. You know what?

628
00:31:12,453 --> 00:31:13,454
I was thinking…

629
00:31:14,247 --> 00:31:16,374
Well, I watch a lot of stand-up specials.

630
00:31:16,457 --> 00:31:18,501
Then my friend's special
came out recently,

631
00:31:18,585 --> 00:31:20,211
and they put out the trailer.

632
00:31:20,295 --> 00:31:24,716
I was like, "Fuck, it's so dynamic."
Like, she's so physical onstage and doing…

633
00:31:24,799 --> 00:31:26,968
I was like, "I don't really move much."

634
00:31:27,051 --> 00:31:29,053
Like I'm very--
Then I was like, "What if?"

635
00:31:29,137 --> 00:31:31,598
'Cause I really want
my trailer to be dynamic.

636
00:31:31,681 --> 00:31:33,141
So, I was like, "What if I just…"

637
00:31:33,683 --> 00:31:36,477
I know in my head
the things I want to see in my trailer.

638
00:31:36,561 --> 00:31:39,772
I just haven't written the jokes
that go with the movements.

639
00:31:39,856 --> 00:31:42,275
So I was like,
"Maybe I just do the movements."

640
00:31:42,358 --> 00:31:45,278
And then I put it in the trailer
and it's just, like…

641
00:31:45,361 --> 00:31:46,446
Just like this.

642
00:31:47,280 --> 00:31:49,073
That's in the trailer,
how good would that be?

643
00:31:49,157 --> 00:31:50,575
You'd be like, "I gotta watch that."

644
00:31:52,076 --> 00:31:54,078
[crowd cheering]

645
00:31:55,872 --> 00:31:59,417
I should just have, like,
a hundred trained dogs.

646
00:31:59,500 --> 00:32:01,669
They all come out on the stage like this.

647
00:32:01,753 --> 00:32:03,504
And they're all on their hind legs jumping

648
00:32:03,588 --> 00:32:07,717
and then we just have it in the trailer
and never in the show.

649
00:32:08,551 --> 00:32:09,427
[laughs]

650
00:32:10,219 --> 00:32:11,179
Um…

651
00:32:12,639 --> 00:32:14,515
Yeah, feelings. I got a lot of feelings.

652
00:32:17,310 --> 00:32:21,314
So… rage, embarrassment.
These are some of the feelings. Um…

653
00:32:21,814 --> 00:32:24,984
Another feeling that I…
It's very dominant in my life,

654
00:32:25,068 --> 00:32:27,862
and I think a lot of people
relate to this, it's, like, nostalgia.

655
00:32:27,946 --> 00:32:29,155
I'm very nostalgic.

656
00:32:29,238 --> 00:32:31,407
You know?
And I know that's kind of a useless

657
00:32:31,491 --> 00:32:32,992
emotion, like I'm…

658
00:32:33,076 --> 00:32:36,746
I'm nostalgic for pre-pandemic times
and we didn't know how good we had it.

659
00:32:36,829 --> 00:32:40,708
I'm very nostalgic, really,
for pre-puberty, if I'm being honest.

660
00:32:41,292 --> 00:32:43,753
That's where it all went wrong.

661
00:32:44,420 --> 00:32:45,338
Like…

662
00:32:45,964 --> 00:32:49,133
Yeah, and my friends are like,
"Oh, yeah. You missed the '90s."

663
00:32:49,217 --> 00:32:51,344
That's so original.

664
00:32:51,427 --> 00:32:55,014
"Do you miss how all of our parents
used to have a lot of rubber bands?"

665
00:32:57,767 --> 00:32:59,727
Do you remember how
everyone had rubber bands?

666
00:32:59,811 --> 00:33:01,854
You'd find them
around drawer handles and shit.

667
00:33:01,938 --> 00:33:04,482
There'd be a whole ball of them.
What were they for?

668
00:33:04,565 --> 00:33:06,234
I have no rubber bands now.

669
00:33:09,904 --> 00:33:13,574
"Do you miss how all parents
had one big conch shell in the bathroom?"

670
00:33:13,658 --> 00:33:15,451
I'm like, "Yes. Yes, I do miss that."

671
00:33:15,952 --> 00:33:16,828
Yeah.

672
00:33:16,911 --> 00:33:20,206
And I miss the easier access
to abortion and less populism.

673
00:33:20,289 --> 00:33:22,709
-Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah.
-[crowd cheering]

674
00:33:23,668 --> 00:33:25,712
I do feel, I think I'm someone who

675
00:33:25,795 --> 00:33:28,506
I never really got over puberty.

676
00:33:28,589 --> 00:33:30,133
Well, for a couple of reasons.

677
00:33:30,216 --> 00:33:32,593
I think puberty hit me
like a ton of bricks, really.

678
00:33:32,677 --> 00:33:37,181
First of all, I'm exactly
the demographic where, um,

679
00:33:37,265 --> 00:33:39,642
for me, puberty coincided almost exactly

680
00:33:39,726 --> 00:33:43,062
with the arrival of the Internet
and the popularization of the Internet.

681
00:33:43,146 --> 00:33:46,190
I'm so lucky. I had, like, one to 13,
kind of-- It wasn't around.

682
00:33:46,274 --> 00:33:50,319
And I remember the one computer
in our classroom got the Internet.

683
00:33:50,403 --> 00:33:54,407
And overnight, the world just exploded,
everything changed, it was like…

684
00:33:54,490 --> 00:33:56,993
We all got our first e-mail addresses.

685
00:33:57,076 --> 00:34:00,079
Mine was hot-mae-el@hotmail.com.

686
00:34:00,163 --> 00:34:02,165
[audience laughter]

687
00:34:02,248 --> 00:34:03,082
Thank you.

688
00:34:03,583 --> 00:34:06,586
Those were the days
you could get the good email addresses.

689
00:34:07,587 --> 00:34:11,299
But it was like overnight the world
went from being very manageable…

690
00:34:11,382 --> 00:34:13,301
Everything I needed to know

691
00:34:13,384 --> 00:34:15,762
was in just in one set
of Encyclopedia Britannica's

692
00:34:15,845 --> 00:34:17,138
in my parents' basement.

693
00:34:17,221 --> 00:34:20,641
It was so relaxing.
It was like a finite amount of facts.

694
00:34:20,725 --> 00:34:21,642
That was it.

695
00:34:21,726 --> 00:34:24,437
The nice, thin paper.
You know what I mean?

696
00:34:24,520 --> 00:34:27,023
It was manageable. It wasn't…

697
00:34:27,106 --> 00:34:29,150
Also, it was like objective truth.

698
00:34:29,233 --> 00:34:33,780
Like, no one was putting out
the devil's advocate set of encyclopedias.

699
00:34:33,863 --> 00:34:36,657
You know what I mean? Like, "Well…"

700
00:34:37,784 --> 00:34:40,161
"Are you sure Lima
is the capital of Peru?"

701
00:34:40,244 --> 00:34:42,246
Um… [chuckles]

702
00:34:43,164 --> 00:34:45,208
And then overnight it was like…

703
00:34:45,291 --> 00:34:48,377
I was obsessed with it.
I remember my friends at lunch being like,

704
00:34:48,461 --> 00:34:51,005
"We're gonna go out
and play at recess. Wanna come?"

705
00:34:51,089 --> 00:34:54,675
I'd be like, "No, there's so much work
to be done on the Internet."

706
00:34:54,759 --> 00:34:57,386
"There's so much going on."
I was like, "I have to

707
00:34:58,179 --> 00:35:00,973
copy and paste images
of <i>Buffy the Vampire Slayer</i>

708
00:35:02,809 --> 00:35:04,477
into a Word document."

709
00:35:06,562 --> 00:35:09,107
I then have to print that Word document.

710
00:35:09,899 --> 00:35:12,443
The paper will be sodden with ink.

711
00:35:13,694 --> 00:35:16,280
Just heavy with ink. Like…

712
00:35:17,865 --> 00:35:19,408
I have to cut those pictures out,

713
00:35:19,492 --> 00:35:21,911
and it's going to be like
cutting wet toilet paper.

714
00:35:21,994 --> 00:35:24,789
I then have to stick those pictures
onto my homework diary.

715
00:35:24,872 --> 00:35:26,541
Like, I'm busy. I--

716
00:35:27,750 --> 00:35:30,503
I truly feel like
I've been busy ever since.

717
00:35:30,586 --> 00:35:31,712
I'm exhausted.

718
00:35:32,713 --> 00:35:36,759
And another reason that
I think puberty really hit me was, like--

719
00:35:36,843 --> 00:35:39,095
Okay, so, yeah. Regular puberty stuff,

720
00:35:39,178 --> 00:35:42,557
then the Internet arrives
and the stuff that brings with it.

721
00:35:42,640 --> 00:35:47,228
And then for me, also, puberty
triggered kind of a wild gender dysphoria

722
00:35:47,311 --> 00:35:48,187
and a gender thing.

723
00:35:48,271 --> 00:35:50,189
-You know what I mean?
-[crowd] Yeah!

724
00:35:50,273 --> 00:35:51,440
[laughs]

725
00:35:51,524 --> 00:35:52,441
Uh-huh?

726
00:35:53,025 --> 00:35:54,527
Dead silence. Um…

727
00:35:56,571 --> 00:35:58,614
No, but really, like, before puberty,

728
00:35:58,698 --> 00:36:01,200
I felt like I was
this bounding, androgynous child,

729
00:36:01,284 --> 00:36:04,912
very confident,
did a lot of Ace Ventura impersonations.

730
00:36:05,621 --> 00:36:08,416
And then suddenly puberty hit
and my body's changing,

731
00:36:08,499 --> 00:36:10,835
I felt very like…
And this was the '90s too.

732
00:36:10,918 --> 00:36:13,671
This was the era of girl bands
and boy bands, right?

733
00:36:13,754 --> 00:36:16,883
This was the very pop-fueled binary.

734
00:36:16,966 --> 00:36:20,595
And I went to an all-girls school,
which I just, like…

735
00:36:20,678 --> 00:36:22,013
The ubiquitous question,

736
00:36:22,096 --> 00:36:25,141
the question you needed
to know an answer to at my school

737
00:36:25,224 --> 00:36:26,601
was which Spice Girl are you?

738
00:36:26,684 --> 00:36:30,104
And it was like,
there's only five possible answers.

739
00:36:30,188 --> 00:36:33,065
You needed to know. You'd be in the hall,

740
00:36:33,149 --> 00:36:35,818
and a group of girls would corner you,
"Which one are you?"

741
00:36:36,319 --> 00:36:38,404
'Cause they're organizing
lip-syncs and stuff.

742
00:36:38,487 --> 00:36:41,782
They need to know, no judgment.
They did need to know

743
00:36:41,866 --> 00:36:44,410
where you fit into the constellation.

744
00:36:45,453 --> 00:36:47,538
It was like, "Which one are you?"
And I was like,

745
00:36:47,622 --> 00:36:49,332
"Justin Timberlake. I don't know."

746
00:36:50,917 --> 00:36:51,959
"Nick Carter?"

747
00:36:53,127 --> 00:36:54,128
Um…

748
00:36:54,212 --> 00:36:58,174
I think, regardless,
if you experience gender stuff,

749
00:36:58,257 --> 00:37:00,468
puberty anyway is a fucking nightmare.

750
00:37:00,551 --> 00:37:02,094
Like, you feel like an alien,

751
00:37:02,178 --> 00:37:05,932
and everything that was cool about you
just becomes worthless overnight.

752
00:37:06,015 --> 00:37:09,060
Like, okay, I had this trick.

753
00:37:09,143 --> 00:37:12,438
Okay, well, it's a noise
that I can make with my hand.

754
00:37:12,521 --> 00:37:15,399
And I swear, it was really popular.

755
00:37:15,483 --> 00:37:18,152
People loved when I did it,
it killed at parties.

756
00:37:18,945 --> 00:37:20,780
I'm going to do it for you now. Uh…

757
00:37:21,405 --> 00:37:23,157
Okay, maybe some of you remember this.

758
00:37:23,241 --> 00:37:25,034
Um, okay, this is the noise.

759
00:37:26,494 --> 00:37:31,165
[high-pitched vibrating vocalizing
of "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"]

760
00:37:32,333 --> 00:37:33,459
Do you remember that?

761
00:37:35,211 --> 00:37:38,172
Guys, I swear, it used to kill at parties.

762
00:37:38,256 --> 00:37:40,508
People would request it,
they'd be like, "Do the noise."

763
00:37:40,591 --> 00:37:41,926
I'd be like, "Okay."

764
00:37:42,426 --> 00:37:44,095
I did it in a school assembly once.

765
00:37:44,178 --> 00:37:47,223
That was… That was too far, but, um…

766
00:37:48,140 --> 00:37:51,018
It was really cool, and then,
all of a sudden puberty hit,

767
00:37:51,102 --> 00:37:53,521
suddenly I'm at a house party,
I'm in a cupboard

768
00:37:53,604 --> 00:37:56,565
with a pimply 13-year-old boy
who's got a semi, and I'm like…

769
00:37:56,649 --> 00:37:58,317
[vocalizing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"]

770
00:37:58,859 --> 00:38:00,861
And he's like, "What the fuck?"

771
00:38:04,365 --> 00:38:07,702
He's like, "I thought you were
gonna give me a hand job." I'm like, "No."

772
00:38:08,953 --> 00:38:10,371
"I said...

773
00:38:11,414 --> 00:38:14,834
that I could do something cool
with my hand."

774
00:38:14,917 --> 00:38:16,919
[cheering]

775
00:38:17,545 --> 00:38:21,549
He leaves me alone in the cupboard.
I'm there in the dark by myself, like…

776
00:38:21,632 --> 00:38:27,471
[vocalizing "Mad World"]

777
00:38:32,101 --> 00:38:33,394
Really mournful.

778
00:38:33,477 --> 00:38:35,479
[cheering]

779
00:38:36,564 --> 00:38:39,233
It's hard to live at that age.
It's really… I mean…

780
00:38:40,526 --> 00:38:43,237
Don't you think
that the only way to flirt when you're 13,

781
00:38:43,321 --> 00:38:46,449
the only acceptable way, is to go,
"How big are your hands?"

782
00:38:46,532 --> 00:38:49,076
That's… Don't you think?
Do you remember that?

783
00:38:49,160 --> 00:38:52,955
"How big are your hands?"
I still kinda think that's a great move

784
00:38:53,456 --> 00:38:56,042
to make physical contact
with someone that you like.

785
00:38:56,125 --> 00:38:58,002
Except I was at my all-girls school,

786
00:38:58,085 --> 00:39:01,839
just sort of slightly getting it wrong.
"Yeah, my hands are pretty massive."

787
00:39:03,049 --> 00:39:05,176
"Yeah, yours are tiny, of course."

788
00:39:06,886 --> 00:39:10,139
Going around the playground, being like,
"Well, you know what they say."

789
00:39:17,563 --> 00:39:19,899
"Big hands, massive labia."

790
00:39:23,861 --> 00:39:24,987
[laughs]

791
00:39:26,113 --> 00:39:26,989
[exhales]

792
00:39:27,615 --> 00:39:28,449
But…

793
00:39:29,116 --> 00:39:31,494
So all that was going on, you know?

794
00:39:31,577 --> 00:39:35,373
And I think for everyone,
at puberty, you do kind of…

795
00:39:35,873 --> 00:39:38,626
You develop critical thinking
and suddenly, sort of,

796
00:39:38,709 --> 00:39:41,462
the hard facts of life are hitting you.

797
00:39:41,545 --> 00:39:44,090
I think if you're, like,
different in any way,

798
00:39:44,173 --> 00:39:48,052
like, if the dominant narrative
that's being told to you by everyone

799
00:39:48,135 --> 00:39:50,971
doesn't match what you're experiencing,
know what I mean?

800
00:39:51,055 --> 00:39:55,142
Like, with gender, people being like,
"There's two. And you're a woman

801
00:39:55,226 --> 00:39:57,478
and this is what it's like."
And you're like, "Okay."

802
00:39:57,561 --> 00:40:00,523
But you're experiencing
something completely different.

803
00:40:00,606 --> 00:40:02,358
Then you kind of have two options.

804
00:40:02,441 --> 00:40:05,694
You can either question the validity
of yourself and your experience

805
00:40:05,778 --> 00:40:10,616
or you can question the validity
of everything else and the whole system.

806
00:40:10,699 --> 00:40:13,411
Once you start pulling that thread,
you're fucked. It's like…

807
00:40:14,078 --> 00:40:15,287
Monogamy, you're like…

808
00:40:15,371 --> 00:40:18,833
Can I bring two people to prom?
Why not? I don't get why not.

809
00:40:19,959 --> 00:40:21,961
And I really felt-- And also, like…

810
00:40:22,044 --> 00:40:28,217
For me, I, um, I started doing comedy
when I was 13 and I discovered…

811
00:40:28,300 --> 00:40:30,511
I got really into drugs,
like psychedelic drugs.

812
00:40:30,594 --> 00:40:34,390
So that just exacerbated
the general existential wave.

813
00:40:34,473 --> 00:40:38,185
Like I felt like I was peeling
back the wallpaper on reality

814
00:40:38,269 --> 00:40:42,106
and I was seeing this very flimsy
scaffolding holding everything up.

815
00:40:42,189 --> 00:40:43,732
I was just like, "What is going on?"

816
00:40:43,816 --> 00:40:46,694
You suddenly realize
your parents are flawed,

817
00:40:46,777 --> 00:40:49,363
your teachers are,
like, lonely or something.

818
00:40:50,531 --> 00:40:52,825
I remember being,
"Mm, I think Ms. Buchanan's lonely."

819
00:40:52,908 --> 00:40:56,412
"I feel a huge amount of pressure
to laugh at her jokes. And I don't know."

820
00:40:56,495 --> 00:40:57,496
Um…

821
00:40:59,206 --> 00:41:02,751
And yeah, I remember
being really stressed by

822
00:41:02,835 --> 00:41:06,589
why don't we, as a society,
talk more about the fact that

823
00:41:06,672 --> 00:41:09,133
the movie <i>Antz </i>and the movie <i>A Bug's Life</i>

824
00:41:10,593 --> 00:41:12,720
came out in the same year.

825
00:41:14,972 --> 00:41:18,559
Surely, powerful forces are at play here

826
00:41:19,185 --> 00:41:22,354
and we're just not going to address it?
Like what the…

827
00:41:26,609 --> 00:41:28,277
Um… Yeah.

828
00:41:30,070 --> 00:41:33,532
So, yeah, I was stressed and…

829
00:41:34,867 --> 00:41:38,204
And also, I think with drugs,
it was a way to get out of my body.

830
00:41:38,287 --> 00:41:41,790
I was feeling very uncomfortable
in my body and it was this trap door.

831
00:41:41,874 --> 00:41:44,793
And so I got heavily into drugs,
and the bullet points are,

832
00:41:44,877 --> 00:41:47,588
I went from psychedelics
into, like, the really bad ones.

833
00:41:47,671 --> 00:41:50,424
I got kicked out of my house.
I dropped out of school.

834
00:41:50,508 --> 00:41:53,093
Fast-forward, I ended up in rehab.

835
00:41:53,177 --> 00:41:56,180
When I was 19,
I went to a rehab day program

836
00:41:56,263 --> 00:41:57,598
for nine months. Uh…

837
00:41:58,098 --> 00:42:00,976
A rehab day program for teens,

838
00:42:01,060 --> 00:42:02,645
objectively, a bad idea.

839
00:42:02,728 --> 00:42:03,812
Well, in a way, right?

840
00:42:03,896 --> 00:42:05,856
Like, you get a group
of teenagers together,

841
00:42:05,940 --> 00:42:08,192
all they have in common
is they love doing drugs.

842
00:42:08,275 --> 00:42:11,237
Every day, at 3:00 p.m., the bell goes

843
00:42:11,320 --> 00:42:13,989
and they're like,
"Off you go with your new friends."

844
00:42:15,032 --> 00:42:17,910
"Run along. Bond in the alleyways."

845
00:42:18,536 --> 00:42:20,538
"The only way you know how." [laughs]

846
00:42:21,330 --> 00:42:23,832
Um, but it was very eye-opening for me.

847
00:42:23,916 --> 00:42:26,585
It was a big turning point
because I got into this program

848
00:42:26,669 --> 00:42:28,754
and there were 12 other kids in there.

849
00:42:28,837 --> 00:42:30,589
I was suddenly like, "Oh, fuck."

850
00:42:30,673 --> 00:42:33,342
These kids have come
from actually difficult lives,

851
00:42:33,425 --> 00:42:36,011
and difficult family situations.
Like who am I? You know?

852
00:42:36,095 --> 00:42:39,890
I'm this privileged, middle-class kid.
What am I rebelling against, really?

853
00:42:39,974 --> 00:42:44,436
But I needed to be there, and it was good.
I wanted to fit in with all these kids.

854
00:42:44,520 --> 00:42:46,730
They'd been there a while,
they were all really bonded.

855
00:42:46,814 --> 00:42:48,816
And they had nicknames for each other.

856
00:42:48,899 --> 00:42:52,194
I've never had a nickname
and I wanted to be in on it.

857
00:42:52,278 --> 00:42:55,656
I was very excited because
after like two months in the program,

858
00:42:55,739 --> 00:42:58,033
I came in one morning
and one of the guys goes,

859
00:42:58,117 --> 00:42:59,702
"Yo, Bath Water, what's up?"

860
00:43:00,911 --> 00:43:02,997
I was like, "Bath Water?"

861
00:43:03,706 --> 00:43:06,584
And they all start calling me Bath Water.

862
00:43:07,293 --> 00:43:09,837
Then the teacher starts calling me…
It catches on.

863
00:43:09,920 --> 00:43:11,880
The teachers are,
"Good morning, Bath Water."

864
00:43:11,964 --> 00:43:13,716
I'm like, "What is happening?"

865
00:43:13,799 --> 00:43:15,593
But I get into it. I don't want to admit

866
00:43:15,676 --> 00:43:17,886
that I don't know why
they're calling me Bath Water.

867
00:43:17,970 --> 00:43:19,805
I'm like, "Yup. Not much. All good."

868
00:43:19,888 --> 00:43:24,101
Yeah. And then finally,
I get comfortable enough with them

869
00:43:24,184 --> 00:43:25,519
and we all get close.

870
00:43:25,603 --> 00:43:28,355
I'm like, "Guys, I've been meaning
to ask you for months."

871
00:43:28,439 --> 00:43:30,399
"Why do you call me, Bath Water?"

872
00:43:30,482 --> 00:43:33,402
And they said,
"Oh, it's because when you arrived,

873
00:43:33,485 --> 00:43:35,029
we all had a conversation

874
00:43:35,112 --> 00:43:39,825
and decided you look like the type of kid
who would drink their own bath water."

875
00:43:41,410 --> 00:43:42,286
It's…

876
00:43:43,912 --> 00:43:45,456
so specific.

877
00:43:47,207 --> 00:43:48,667
So insulting.

878
00:43:49,501 --> 00:43:51,128
And creative, yes.

879
00:43:52,379 --> 00:43:53,380
Drink their own…

880
00:43:53,464 --> 00:43:56,258
I mean, look,
I've drunk some bath water in my time.

881
00:43:56,342 --> 00:43:57,259
Sure.

882
00:43:57,885 --> 00:43:59,303
Haven't we all?

883
00:44:01,472 --> 00:44:03,599
I mean, not like with… [glugs]

884
00:44:03,682 --> 00:44:04,725
[laughs]

885
00:44:05,225 --> 00:44:06,685
With a straw. Just…

886
00:44:09,063 --> 00:44:10,356
No, but, like, we all…

887
00:44:11,190 --> 00:44:13,067
We've all drunk some, haven't we?

888
00:44:13,150 --> 00:44:15,235
Okay, wait. Do you remember bath time?

889
00:44:15,736 --> 00:44:16,820
Remember bath time?

890
00:44:16,904 --> 00:44:20,532
Did you ever, um, in bath time,
take your wet flannel…

891
00:44:20,616 --> 00:44:22,660
Do you call it a flannel or a facecloth?

892
00:44:22,743 --> 00:44:24,703
Flannel? Yeah. Canada, yeah.

893
00:44:24,787 --> 00:44:25,663
[laughs]

894
00:44:25,746 --> 00:44:27,539
Did you ever take your wet flannel

895
00:44:27,623 --> 00:44:30,334
and lie it on your face,
and breathe through it?

896
00:44:30,417 --> 00:44:33,337
And then you suddenly feel like
you're waterboarding yourself?

897
00:44:33,420 --> 00:44:34,838
You're like, "Oh no, God!"

898
00:44:35,923 --> 00:44:38,592
Or did you ever suck
the water out of your flannel?

899
00:44:39,093 --> 00:44:39,927
Right?

900
00:44:40,427 --> 00:44:43,597
It feels so squeaky on your…
What a feeling.

901
00:44:45,849 --> 00:44:46,767
Bath time.

902
00:44:47,518 --> 00:44:48,686
You know what I mean?

903
00:44:49,853 --> 00:44:51,063
Know what I miss most?

904
00:44:51,146 --> 00:44:54,900
I'll move on from bath time,
but I will just quickly say

905
00:44:54,983 --> 00:44:57,111
what I miss most about bath time is just

906
00:44:57,194 --> 00:44:59,446
once a day, somebody going,
"Uh, it's bath time."

907
00:45:00,614 --> 00:45:01,907
How good is that?

908
00:45:01,990 --> 00:45:03,992
I feel like we don't appreciate it
when we're young,

909
00:45:04,076 --> 00:45:06,620
but imagine you're on
a shitty Tinder date,

910
00:45:06,704 --> 00:45:08,706
and the waiter comes over, they're like,

911
00:45:08,789 --> 00:45:12,543
"I'm so sorry to interrupt.
Um, it is bath time for you."

912
00:45:12,626 --> 00:45:14,586
You're like… You'd be out of there.

913
00:45:15,421 --> 00:45:17,423
[crowd cheering]

914
00:45:18,090 --> 00:45:20,342
Youth is wasted on the young. You know?

915
00:45:21,677 --> 00:45:23,262
Youth is wasted on the young.

916
00:45:23,887 --> 00:45:24,763
Um…

917
00:45:25,347 --> 00:45:27,015
Yeah, so that's… Yeah.

918
00:45:27,099 --> 00:45:30,352
I think the reason
that I obsess over my teens,

919
00:45:30,436 --> 00:45:33,105
and I'm constantly processing it,

920
00:45:33,188 --> 00:45:35,899
is that I feel like
a completely different person now.

921
00:45:35,983 --> 00:45:38,861
And I did have this kind
of chaotic adolescence,

922
00:45:38,944 --> 00:45:41,155
and it was really dark, like it was crazy.

923
00:45:41,238 --> 00:45:43,907
Now I feel truly
like a completely different person.

924
00:45:43,991 --> 00:45:45,701
Like, I'm very risk averse now.

925
00:45:45,784 --> 00:45:47,077
You… Yeah.

926
00:45:48,328 --> 00:45:51,039
You should see me
on an escalator, it's insane.

927
00:45:51,123 --> 00:45:53,083
I hold so tight to the railing.

928
00:45:53,167 --> 00:45:54,793
I'm very like… [chuckles]

929
00:45:54,877 --> 00:45:56,795
As the thing's approaching, "Oh my God."

930
00:45:56,879 --> 00:45:59,006
I'm like, "One, two, three, go."

931
00:45:59,089 --> 00:46:00,215
Waiting for my moment.

932
00:46:00,299 --> 00:46:01,842
[nervous laugh]

933
00:46:02,384 --> 00:46:05,012
If I'm not ready and it's coming,
I'm walking backwards.

934
00:46:05,095 --> 00:46:06,221
I'm going, "Okay…"

935
00:46:06,764 --> 00:46:07,848
"One, two…"

936
00:46:07,931 --> 00:46:09,933
[chuckling] Yeah. Yeah.

937
00:46:11,643 --> 00:46:13,645
But I do still… I feel different.

938
00:46:13,729 --> 00:46:17,399
I do, I guess, still get
that self-destructive feeling.

939
00:46:17,483 --> 00:46:19,234
Like, that pressure building up.

940
00:46:19,318 --> 00:46:21,820
I feel like we all
kind of sometimes have those impulses

941
00:46:21,904 --> 00:46:25,073
and you have to find the healthy way
to deal with those feelings.

942
00:46:25,574 --> 00:46:27,659
Um, I do a lot of escape rooms.

943
00:46:28,285 --> 00:46:30,537
I'm always escaping a room.

944
00:46:31,413 --> 00:46:32,956
Constantly. Um…

945
00:46:33,499 --> 00:46:37,753
Like, I was on tour recently
and touring is intense.

946
00:46:37,836 --> 00:46:39,171
Also, I tour by myself.

947
00:46:39,254 --> 00:46:42,800
I don't usually have an opening act,
or a tour manager, or whatever.

948
00:46:42,883 --> 00:46:44,259
I just travel by myself.

949
00:46:44,343 --> 00:46:47,471
I have these long days
in these random cities in the UK.

950
00:46:47,554 --> 00:46:49,556
And I was doing a show in Edinburgh.

951
00:46:49,640 --> 00:46:52,017
I was Scotland,
in Edinburgh, by myself for the day,

952
00:46:52,100 --> 00:46:55,521
and I was having the feeling
of pressure building up.

953
00:46:55,604 --> 00:46:56,688
You know what I mean?

954
00:46:56,772 --> 00:46:59,650
And, like, I had just seen
<i>Trainspotting, </i>so I was like,

955
00:46:59,733 --> 00:47:01,151
"We're in the danger zone."

956
00:47:01,235 --> 00:47:03,278
And, uh, I said, "What should I do?"

957
00:47:03,362 --> 00:47:06,573
So I go online and I found
the Edinburgh dungeons were open.

958
00:47:06,657 --> 00:47:10,285
That's kind of like the London dungeons,
where it's like this horror,

959
00:47:10,369 --> 00:47:12,079
immersive horror experience,

960
00:47:12,162 --> 00:47:14,998
where actors dress up
like Victorians and scare you.

961
00:47:15,082 --> 00:47:17,209
And you walk through a maze of hell.

962
00:47:17,292 --> 00:47:19,294
So I was like, "Great." Um…

963
00:47:19,378 --> 00:47:21,713
And I got the VIP package as well,

964
00:47:21,797 --> 00:47:23,632
which is just you pay 20 extra bucks

965
00:47:23,715 --> 00:47:26,885
and all it meant was, when I arrived,
they take a picture of you

966
00:47:26,969 --> 00:47:28,303
in front of a green screen.

967
00:47:28,387 --> 00:47:31,056
And then they give you a key
and they project a graveyard

968
00:47:31,139 --> 00:47:32,558
and give you the keychain of the…

969
00:47:32,641 --> 00:47:36,436
That was when I was like, "Oh. This is
something you should do with friends."

970
00:47:36,937 --> 00:47:37,980
[laughs]

971
00:47:38,564 --> 00:47:40,190
Friends or loved ones.

972
00:47:40,274 --> 00:47:43,193
I do now have a keychain that's just…

973
00:47:47,614 --> 00:47:48,490
So,

974
00:47:49,491 --> 00:47:52,661
I go down and it's me
and this group of strangers

975
00:47:52,744 --> 00:47:56,373
and we're going to go together
as a group through this horror maze.

976
00:47:56,456 --> 00:47:59,459
It's tourists and families,
there's like ten of us.

977
00:47:59,543 --> 00:48:02,254
We're about to go through it,
and this guy comes out,

978
00:48:02,337 --> 00:48:04,965
and he's dressed
like a kind of Victorian butcher.

979
00:48:05,048 --> 00:48:07,759
He's covered in blood
and he's got a big butcher's knife,

980
00:48:07,843 --> 00:48:10,971
big beard, Scottish guy,
and he goes, "I'm the butcher!"

981
00:48:11,054 --> 00:48:12,848
I can't do the accent very well.

982
00:48:13,348 --> 00:48:15,475
He's like, "Welcome to
the Edinburgh dungeons,

983
00:48:15,559 --> 00:48:18,729
we're gonna fucking kill you."
And I'm like, "Yes!"

984
00:48:19,313 --> 00:48:21,815
"Yes, I've been praying for death!" Um…

985
00:48:22,858 --> 00:48:27,237
Then he goes, "But first,
I do have a few safety announcements. Um…"

986
00:48:27,321 --> 00:48:32,117
"If you are pregnant or you do
have epilepsy, don't go in the dungeon."

987
00:48:32,200 --> 00:48:33,160
Uh…

988
00:48:33,243 --> 00:48:35,162
I'm like, "Okay." Then he said,

989
00:48:35,662 --> 00:48:39,708
"At no point will any of the actors
in the dungeon touch you or grab you."

990
00:48:39,791 --> 00:48:41,668
So I was like, "That's good." Right?

991
00:48:41,752 --> 00:48:43,962
Nobody wants to be grabbed in the dunge.

992
00:48:44,046 --> 00:48:44,963
So I was like,

993
00:48:45,464 --> 00:48:46,506
"Sweet." Um…

994
00:48:47,424 --> 00:48:51,053
So we start going through
and guys, it's so scary.

995
00:48:51,136 --> 00:48:55,140
Like it's just… I'm quaking with fear.

996
00:48:55,223 --> 00:48:57,059
I'm with these strangers going through.

997
00:48:57,142 --> 00:49:00,687
They do this thing where they love
to turn off all the lights, pitch-black.

998
00:49:00,771 --> 00:49:04,441
And then when they come back on, there's
a woman standing an inch from your face

999
00:49:04,524 --> 00:49:05,776
and being like… [growls]

1000
00:49:06,401 --> 00:49:09,029
It's so scary,
but I'm loving it. I'm like, "Ah."

1001
00:49:09,112 --> 00:49:12,407
There's sort of a narrative arc
where, at the very beginning,

1002
00:49:12,491 --> 00:49:16,912
the butcher was like, "You're gonna meet
the legendary cannibal Sawney Bean."

1003
00:49:16,995 --> 00:49:20,999
Does anybody know Sawney Bean?
Legendary cannibal, apparently, and…

1004
00:49:21,875 --> 00:49:25,921
We're like, "We don't want to meet him.
We're frightened."

1005
00:49:26,004 --> 00:49:28,173
He's like, "Oh no.
He's going to love you guys."

1006
00:49:28,256 --> 00:49:29,967
We know it's building to something.

1007
00:49:30,050 --> 00:49:34,972
And we get to this part where
there's a sort of boat underground,

1008
00:49:35,055 --> 00:49:36,974
we're in the bowels of Edinburgh, right?

1009
00:49:37,057 --> 00:49:40,143
And there's a boat
on a track and we all get in it.

1010
00:49:40,227 --> 00:49:42,354
And we can hear
Sawney Bean in the darkness,

1011
00:49:42,437 --> 00:49:43,981
toward where we're headed,

1012
00:49:44,064 --> 00:49:46,566
going, "I'm Sawney Bean."
We're like, "No!"

1013
00:49:47,067 --> 00:49:50,737
The butcher goes, "Okay, guys,
you're on your own now. I'm leaving you."

1014
00:49:50,821 --> 00:49:53,824
We're like "No, wait.
We've learned to love you, we need you."

1015
00:49:54,324 --> 00:49:56,576
He's like "Fuck you, guys" and he leaves.

1016
00:49:56,660 --> 00:49:59,246
Now it's me and my group
and we're in the little boat.

1017
00:49:59,329 --> 00:50:01,915
The lights go off and it's pitch-black.

1018
00:50:01,999 --> 00:50:04,668
You can't see your hand
in front of your face, it's so dark,

1019
00:50:04,751 --> 00:50:06,336
and it's damp and it's cold.

1020
00:50:06,420 --> 00:50:09,214
We can hear, "I'm Sawney Bean."
And I'm freaking out.

1021
00:50:09,297 --> 00:50:13,885
Then I feel these hands on my back.

1022
00:50:13,969 --> 00:50:16,179
Going up my back,

1023
00:50:16,263 --> 00:50:18,223
and kind of coming around my neck.

1024
00:50:18,306 --> 00:50:20,892
And I'm freaking out
because I'm remembering

1025
00:50:20,976 --> 00:50:23,729
they're not allowed
to touch you in the dunge. Right?

1026
00:50:24,688 --> 00:50:27,691
I'm like, "What's happening?"
The lights come back, I spin round,

1027
00:50:27,774 --> 00:50:32,112
and there's just this middle-aged woman
who's part of our group.

1028
00:50:35,282 --> 00:50:36,575
And she just goes…

1029
00:50:36,658 --> 00:50:38,118
[spookily] "Ooh!"

1030
00:50:39,119 --> 00:50:39,953
It was…

1031
00:50:41,246 --> 00:50:42,289
insane.

1032
00:50:43,790 --> 00:50:44,916
"Ooh-hoo-ooh."

1033
00:50:46,251 --> 00:50:49,087
And she was
with her two teenaged daughters

1034
00:50:49,171 --> 00:50:51,590
who are sitting
on either side of her. They're like,

1035
00:50:51,673 --> 00:50:53,842
"Mom, what the fuck are you doing?"

1036
00:50:54,843 --> 00:50:56,094
She's like, "Ooh."

1037
00:50:58,138 --> 00:51:00,599
I think about her all the time.

1038
00:51:02,684 --> 00:51:05,479
She's like the mailman.
She's a hero, you know.

1039
00:51:05,562 --> 00:51:06,980
A hero to us all.

1040
00:51:07,064 --> 00:51:08,190
[laughs]

1041
00:51:13,111 --> 00:51:17,616
But, yeah, I do things like that
to, you know, to feel alive and, um…

1042
00:51:19,409 --> 00:51:23,872
Yeah, I try to be
very vigilant about my brain

1043
00:51:23,955 --> 00:51:26,833
because I have a lot of shame
about my teens.

1044
00:51:26,917 --> 00:51:31,296
I behaved very badly. You know?
I was very self-destructive and I…

1045
00:51:32,214 --> 00:51:36,134
The weird thing is I was so angry,
I was really angry. And, uh…

1046
00:51:36,635 --> 00:51:39,596
The weird thing is since, like, 2016…

1047
00:51:39,679 --> 00:51:44,309
I remember when Trump got elected.
I was like, "So we can't deny anymore

1048
00:51:44,392 --> 00:51:48,146
that the world is slightly off its axis."
It's a little fucked, right?

1049
00:51:48,230 --> 00:51:51,149
We have so much information
available to us now,

1050
00:51:51,233 --> 00:51:54,152
it's hard to deny the system
doesn't work for everyone.

1051
00:51:54,694 --> 00:51:57,656
Like, billionaires don't pay taxes
and all the stuff we know.

1052
00:51:57,739 --> 00:52:00,867
So I'm like, "Okay,
in a way, my anger was valid."

1053
00:52:00,951 --> 00:52:04,663
I think a lot of teenagers feel
this righteous indignation and stuff.

1054
00:52:04,746 --> 00:52:08,083
But the method of my rebellion
was garbage.

1055
00:52:08,166 --> 00:52:12,546
Like, it was so self-destructive
and self-involved.

1056
00:52:12,629 --> 00:52:16,174
You know, it was impotent, ultimately.
I got this tattoo

1057
00:52:16,258 --> 00:52:18,593
when I was 16. It says, "Oatmeal."

1058
00:52:18,677 --> 00:52:19,553
Um…

1059
00:52:20,303 --> 00:52:21,972
It says, "Oatmeal," twice.

1060
00:52:23,306 --> 00:52:26,309
I remember being like,
"Fuck the man, you know."

1061
00:52:26,393 --> 00:52:28,019
Like, what?

1062
00:52:29,813 --> 00:52:30,814
[chuckles]

1063
00:52:36,862 --> 00:52:38,488
So that's there for good. Uh…

1064
00:52:39,447 --> 00:52:41,449
[scattered cheers]

1065
00:52:43,535 --> 00:52:44,536
I…

1066
00:52:45,453 --> 00:52:47,164
I remember feeling like…

1067
00:52:47,873 --> 00:52:51,334
I felt like the world was a house
that had been sold to me

1068
00:52:51,418 --> 00:52:54,880
at a very young age when I was
too young to be signing mortgages.

1069
00:52:54,963 --> 00:52:57,549
A house that was sold to me
by a really shady realtor.

1070
00:52:57,632 --> 00:52:59,551
Like, a kind of greasy, with a…

1071
00:52:59,634 --> 00:53:01,303
A doggy-style baby realtor.

1072
00:53:02,137 --> 00:53:05,599
[grumbling] "Sign here, kid."
And I'm like, "Okay."

1073
00:53:05,682 --> 00:53:09,227
"All your dreams will come true."
I sign it, suddenly I'm in this house.

1074
00:53:09,311 --> 00:53:12,647
You develop critical thinking.
You wake up in the house in your teens.

1075
00:53:12,731 --> 00:53:13,899
You're like, "Wait."

1076
00:53:14,399 --> 00:53:16,860
Hang on, the foundations
of the house are rotten,

1077
00:53:16,943 --> 00:53:19,613
the backyard's on fire
'cause the previous owners

1078
00:53:19,696 --> 00:53:22,282
kept heating it
with fossil fuels exclusively.

1079
00:53:22,365 --> 00:53:24,993
So my reaction was, I thought,

1080
00:53:25,076 --> 00:53:27,829
"All right, I'll just bulldoze
the house with myself in it."

1081
00:53:28,371 --> 00:53:32,083
And of course, now I realize
what I should have done

1082
00:53:32,584 --> 00:53:35,212
is put any amount of energy
into fixing the house, right?

1083
00:53:35,295 --> 00:53:36,630
That's what we need to do is…

1084
00:53:36,713 --> 00:53:39,674
That's hopefully what
we're trying to do. We have to, right?

1085
00:53:39,758 --> 00:53:42,677
Put some energy into making
the house a nicer place to live.

1086
00:53:42,761 --> 00:53:44,971
-'Cause it won't do it… Yeah.
-[crowd cheering]

1087
00:53:47,307 --> 00:53:49,434
I do feel we have to consciously do it.

1088
00:53:49,517 --> 00:53:51,561
Or else it won't happen. You know? Um…

1089
00:53:51,645 --> 00:53:53,688
And that's why I am really… I love…

1090
00:53:54,189 --> 00:53:56,608
I feel like Gen Z is incredible.

1091
00:53:56,691 --> 00:53:59,402
I don't believe that they're
just on TikTok. I think they're wicked.

1092
00:53:59,486 --> 00:54:01,571
They're out there. They're doing stuff.

1093
00:54:02,197 --> 00:54:06,076
You know, protesting climate change
and dismantling rigid gender binaries.

1094
00:54:06,159 --> 00:54:07,202
What was I doing?

1095
00:54:07,285 --> 00:54:10,455
I was slithering around being like,
"Does anyone have any acid?"

1096
00:54:10,538 --> 00:54:11,623
[laughs awkwardly]

1097
00:54:11,706 --> 00:54:14,000
Just like useless behavior.

1098
00:54:16,795 --> 00:54:18,296
And they're wicked.

1099
00:54:19,214 --> 00:54:20,757
I want to talk about…

1100
00:54:20,840 --> 00:54:24,386
I want to talk about, like,
the gender thing for a sec.

1101
00:54:25,387 --> 00:54:26,221
So…

1102
00:54:26,304 --> 00:54:27,931
[crowd cheering]

1103
00:54:28,014 --> 00:54:31,643
Just because I've been in the UK,
and now I'm in the States,

1104
00:54:31,726 --> 00:54:35,981
and in both places there's
a real hysteria right now around gender

1105
00:54:36,064 --> 00:54:37,065
and gender identity.

1106
00:54:37,148 --> 00:54:40,527
And I think part of it comes
from this misconception

1107
00:54:40,610 --> 00:54:43,905
that it's a recent Gen Z fad.
Or a millennial fad, right?

1108
00:54:43,989 --> 00:54:47,075
To have this fluidity
around gender, it's like…

1109
00:54:47,158 --> 00:54:50,328
Of course-- As long as
there's been human civilization,

1110
00:54:50,412 --> 00:54:52,664
we know, right,
there's been variances in gender.

1111
00:54:52,747 --> 00:54:56,793
There's been different cultures
that recognize third and fourth genders.

1112
00:54:56,876 --> 00:54:58,878
Not just recognize, revere.

1113
00:54:59,546 --> 00:55:01,089
Like I could have been revered.

1114
00:55:02,048 --> 00:55:03,675
I could have been revered.

1115
00:55:04,217 --> 00:55:05,135
It sucks.

1116
00:55:05,218 --> 00:55:08,388
And instead I'm like, "Which bathroom
am I allowed to use, please?"

1117
00:55:09,055 --> 00:55:09,931
Um…

1118
00:55:10,974 --> 00:55:16,021
And really it is a recent colonial fad
to have this very rigid gender binary.

1119
00:55:16,104 --> 00:55:20,358
It's really like we just went around
the world bulldozing over the nuances of

1120
00:55:20,900 --> 00:55:22,569
all these beautiful things. Um…

1121
00:55:22,652 --> 00:55:24,821
In the UK, where I've been living,

1122
00:55:24,904 --> 00:55:28,908
I remember in 2018,
India decriminalized homosexuality,

1123
00:55:28,992 --> 00:55:29,951
and it was great.

1124
00:55:30,035 --> 00:55:33,621
Like, big celebration, really exciting,
but it was really frustrating

1125
00:55:33,705 --> 00:55:36,624
'cause the coverage of it
on the news in the UK was so smug.

1126
00:55:36,708 --> 00:55:39,502
It was like, "It's about time, India."

1127
00:55:39,586 --> 00:55:43,840
And it's like, England went into India
and criminalized homosexuality

1128
00:55:44,341 --> 00:55:46,217
in 1896. Like, it's…

1129
00:55:46,718 --> 00:55:49,179
It's the ultimate gaslighting.

1130
00:55:49,721 --> 00:55:52,557
It's like lighting someone's house
on fire and being like,

1131
00:55:52,640 --> 00:55:55,935
"It's really awkward how long
it's taking out to put that out."

1132
00:55:56,519 --> 00:55:57,812
"It's so embarrassing."

1133
00:55:58,646 --> 00:56:00,857
-[crowd cheering]
-Yeah. Thanks.

1134
00:56:05,904 --> 00:56:06,988
Um… Yeah.

1135
00:56:07,489 --> 00:56:09,574
And the annoying thing is

1136
00:56:10,533 --> 00:56:13,328
I don't really want to talk about gender

1137
00:56:13,411 --> 00:56:15,038
because it's kind of lose-lose, right?

1138
00:56:15,121 --> 00:56:17,999
Especially if it's something that
personally affects you and you care about

1139
00:56:18,083 --> 00:56:19,959
then it's hard to debate.

1140
00:56:20,043 --> 00:56:21,628
You get emotional, you've already lost.

1141
00:56:21,711 --> 00:56:23,505
'Cause you're like…
[frustrated whimpering]

1142
00:56:23,588 --> 00:56:26,800
Like, it's hard,
but I feel like I should talk about it

1143
00:56:26,883 --> 00:56:30,053
because everyone else is. Like, comedians.

1144
00:56:30,136 --> 00:56:34,557
Big multimillionaire comedians,
in their stand-up specials are, like,

1145
00:56:34,641 --> 00:56:36,684
taking shots and punching down

1146
00:56:36,768 --> 00:56:39,771
at a time when
trans rights are so tenuous,

1147
00:56:39,854 --> 00:56:42,023
and slipping backwards, it's just not…

1148
00:56:42,107 --> 00:56:43,483
-Yeah. And, uh…
-[applause]

1149
00:56:43,566 --> 00:56:45,610
No, no, no. But I feel…

1150
00:56:46,611 --> 00:56:48,863
You're like,
"Yeah, they're slipping backwards, yeah."

1151
00:56:48,947 --> 00:56:50,073
No, just kidding.

1152
00:56:50,156 --> 00:56:51,825
I'm suddenly like, "Oh, fuck."

1153
00:56:51,908 --> 00:56:53,243
[Mae laughs]

1154
00:56:54,035 --> 00:56:57,497
The thing… And I watch
those specials so I can be informed

1155
00:56:57,580 --> 00:57:01,459
when I'm asked in every interview
to talk about those guys' specials.

1156
00:57:01,543 --> 00:57:05,922
But, like, the thing that
kept coming up was, "Gender's a fact."

1157
00:57:06,005 --> 00:57:08,174
That was the refrain of one,
"Gender's a fact."

1158
00:57:08,258 --> 00:57:12,303
Then they cut to the audience. "Aw, yeah."
They're loving it. And it's like, um…

1159
00:57:12,387 --> 00:57:15,557
I feel like I'm kind of preaching
to the choir a little here, but

1160
00:57:16,057 --> 00:57:21,563
just to quickly say… Of course,
biological sex is real. It's a thing.

1161
00:57:21,646 --> 00:57:25,024
Within that, there's tons of variation,
it's very much like…

1162
00:57:25,108 --> 00:57:28,945
Scientifically, it's not as binary
as we think. There's intersex people,

1163
00:57:29,028 --> 00:57:31,406
there's hormonal variation,
all kinds of stuff.

1164
00:57:31,489 --> 00:57:34,451
But, yeah, for sure, biological sex,
no one denies is real,

1165
00:57:34,534 --> 00:57:38,246
but gender is so much more ephemeral
and much more what to do with

1166
00:57:38,329 --> 00:57:39,706
what's in here and in here.

1167
00:57:39,789 --> 00:57:42,584
Very much like,
you know, a social construct.

1168
00:57:42,667 --> 00:57:43,585
And more fluid.

1169
00:57:43,668 --> 00:57:46,212
And the way I explain it to people
who are trying to understand

1170
00:57:46,296 --> 00:57:49,549
the difference between
biological sex and gender is

1171
00:57:49,632 --> 00:57:51,718
I picture the gender spectrum.

1172
00:57:52,385 --> 00:57:54,262
You know the movie<i> Beauty and the Beast?</i>

1173
00:57:54,971 --> 00:57:55,972
Okay.

1174
00:57:56,055 --> 00:58:00,018
So imagine if at one end of
the gender spectrum, you have Gaston.

1175
00:58:00,101 --> 00:58:02,520
You remember him?
He's like, "No one fights like…"

1176
00:58:02,604 --> 00:58:03,813
Hot. He's hot.

1177
00:58:03,897 --> 00:58:06,483
He's like extreme masculinity.

1178
00:58:06,566 --> 00:58:08,818
On the other end of the spectrum
you have Belle,

1179
00:58:08,902 --> 00:58:11,029
who has Stockholm Syndrome.

1180
00:58:12,030 --> 00:58:13,573
So dark, but, um…

1181
00:58:14,324 --> 00:58:17,035
But, guys, she's still
an excellent role model

1182
00:58:17,118 --> 00:58:18,745
because she can read.

1183
00:58:20,371 --> 00:58:21,623
She loves a book.

1184
00:58:22,499 --> 00:58:24,042
You got to hand it to her. Um…

1185
00:58:25,043 --> 00:58:28,880
And then in the middle of the spectrum,
you have the candlestick, right?

1186
00:58:29,589 --> 00:58:31,049
You have Lumière.

1187
00:58:31,674 --> 00:58:34,385
And I really relate to Lumière.

1188
00:58:34,469 --> 00:58:36,054
I connect with Lumière.

1189
00:58:36,846 --> 00:58:39,516
And obviously the more we empower Lumière,

1190
00:58:39,599 --> 00:58:41,601
the more fun
Gaston and Belle are gonna have.

1191
00:58:41,684 --> 00:58:44,729
Lumière's throwing parties.
They're like, "Be my guest!"

1192
00:58:45,605 --> 00:58:46,439
Yeah.

1193
00:58:47,273 --> 00:58:48,691
I have this fantasy.

1194
00:58:49,234 --> 00:58:51,152
I have this fantasy that like…

1195
00:58:52,028 --> 00:58:54,030
It's a really clear image in my head of…

1196
00:58:54,113 --> 00:58:57,492
You got Dave Chappelle,
Ricky Gervais, Louis C.K.

1197
00:58:57,575 --> 00:59:01,371
Throw Joe Rogan in there.
And they're eating a hog roast.

1198
00:59:01,454 --> 00:59:04,290
In this fantasy, it's a huge hog,
and they're ripping the flesh off it.

1199
00:59:04,374 --> 00:59:05,333
[chomping sounds]

1200
00:59:05,416 --> 00:59:08,169
They're drinking goblets of mead.

1201
00:59:08,253 --> 00:59:10,588
That medieval drink.
They're throwing their money.

1202
00:59:10,672 --> 00:59:12,840
And then they turn the TV on

1203
00:59:12,924 --> 00:59:16,010
and they see me doing my
little <i>Beauty and the Beast</i> gender…

1204
00:59:16,094 --> 00:59:17,637
Just like… "And the candlestick."

1205
00:59:18,972 --> 00:59:22,684
And they're watching it, and are like,
"Oh my God, we… Guys."

1206
00:59:23,184 --> 00:59:24,185
"We were wrong."

1207
00:59:25,270 --> 00:59:26,187
"Oh."

1208
00:59:26,271 --> 00:59:27,814
-And then they just…
-[crowd cheering]

1209
00:59:27,897 --> 00:59:29,023
That's my fantasy.

1210
00:59:29,107 --> 00:59:32,068
Then they just like…
You know what I want? I want them to…

1211
00:59:32,819 --> 00:59:34,362
I want them to cradle each other.

1212
00:59:34,445 --> 00:59:37,740
I want them to hold each other gently,
and just gently rock.

1213
00:59:38,283 --> 00:59:40,994
I want them
to re-parent themselves, basically.

1214
00:59:41,536 --> 00:59:42,870
Just give a little… That.

1215
00:59:43,454 --> 00:59:45,915
'Cause I do understand too. I get it.

1216
00:59:45,999 --> 00:59:48,459
It's hard to learn new language. You know?

1217
00:59:48,543 --> 00:59:50,545
Although, is it? Like…

1218
00:59:51,170 --> 00:59:53,339
Omicron, you know?

1219
00:59:54,299 --> 00:59:56,759
We picked that up pretty fast. Um…

1220
00:59:58,052 --> 00:59:59,387
But the…

1221
01:00:00,221 --> 01:00:02,473
The joke I always hear,
and this has been a joke…

1222
01:00:02,557 --> 01:00:04,767
This was hack in the '90s, this joke.

1223
01:00:04,851 --> 01:00:07,437
It's come back with a vengeance
on the stand-up circuit.

1224
01:00:07,520 --> 01:00:09,606
It's like, "Well, like,
I identify as a cactus."

1225
01:00:09,689 --> 01:00:14,152
Or, "I identify as a lamp post,"
or this inanimate object.

1226
01:00:14,235 --> 01:00:15,111
And it's like…

1227
01:00:15,737 --> 01:00:17,822
Um, yeah, I'm non-binary,

1228
01:00:17,905 --> 01:00:20,199
which is under
the banner of trans identity.

1229
01:00:20,283 --> 01:00:22,452
In that like the sex
I was assigned at birth

1230
01:00:22,535 --> 01:00:24,662
doesn't feel like it fit.

1231
01:00:24,746 --> 01:00:25,955
[giggles awkwardly] Um…

1232
01:00:26,039 --> 01:00:26,998
And, uh…

1233
01:00:27,540 --> 01:00:31,878
But it's like, I don't want to necessarily
identify as non-binary or trans,

1234
01:00:31,961 --> 01:00:35,340
I just am that, I just am.
And to say otherwise would be bizarre.

1235
01:00:35,423 --> 01:00:37,342
It would be like doing
a violence to myself.

1236
01:00:37,425 --> 01:00:38,801
That's what it would feel like.

1237
01:00:38,885 --> 01:00:41,095
It would be like
the hot tomato soup thing,

1238
01:00:41,179 --> 01:00:43,556
times a hundred, just full of tomato soup.

1239
01:00:43,640 --> 01:00:45,475
It's tricky because it's like…

1240
01:00:46,100 --> 01:00:48,895
You just have to take my word for it
that I know who I am.

1241
01:00:48,978 --> 01:00:51,397
It's so hard saying that to people.
It's like, I just…

1242
01:00:51,481 --> 01:00:53,358
You just have to take my word for it.

1243
01:00:53,441 --> 01:00:55,401
I am certain of it. And it's like…

1244
01:00:55,485 --> 01:00:59,822
I may not be certain
if a Toyota Tercel can fit under a moose.

1245
01:01:00,948 --> 01:01:02,325
Very unsure.

1246
01:01:03,701 --> 01:01:05,203
But I do know this.

1247
01:01:05,286 --> 01:01:08,915
Also, you don't have
to understand it even.

1248
01:01:08,998 --> 01:01:12,126
You know what I mean?
Like, I do not understand Wi-Fi.

1249
01:01:12,210 --> 01:01:13,544
How does it work? What is it?

1250
01:01:13,628 --> 01:01:16,756
But I know that it's real.
I know it exists among us.

1251
01:01:17,256 --> 01:01:20,301
-I just accept that it's there, whatever.
-[crowd cheering]

1252
01:01:20,385 --> 01:01:22,470
I don't let it keep me up at night.

1253
01:01:23,971 --> 01:01:24,972
I'm not like…

1254
01:01:25,556 --> 01:01:26,557
Yeah. Um…

1255
01:01:27,892 --> 01:01:30,687
Yeah, so I had top surgery last December

1256
01:01:30,770 --> 01:01:35,400
and I'm on a low dose
of testosterone for this past year.

1257
01:01:35,483 --> 01:01:38,861
And it's been
the best year of my life. Genuinely.

1258
01:01:38,945 --> 01:01:41,614
And I'm 35 years old.
This has been the best year of my life.

1259
01:01:41,698 --> 01:01:42,782
-Yeah.
-[crowd cheering]

1260
01:01:42,865 --> 01:01:43,783
Thanks. Um…

1261
01:01:44,951 --> 01:01:46,202
And it's like…

1262
01:01:48,121 --> 01:01:50,915
What's weird is, like, I'm not that happy.

1263
01:01:50,998 --> 01:01:55,044
I'm not skipping around.
It's truly just the absence of agony.

1264
01:01:55,128 --> 01:01:56,254
That's all it is.

1265
01:01:56,337 --> 01:02:00,258
And that's a low bar,
and who are we to deny anybody that?

1266
01:02:00,341 --> 01:02:01,801
The absence of agony, yeah.

1267
01:02:01,884 --> 01:02:05,179
That's going to be my… [laughs]
That's going to be my album title.

1268
01:02:06,556 --> 01:02:07,432
Um…

1269
01:02:08,307 --> 01:02:09,434
Yeah, okay.

1270
01:02:09,976 --> 01:02:16,190
And also, I'm really just so grateful
to have the language now. Right?

1271
01:02:16,274 --> 01:02:18,818
Growing up I didn't have that language.

1272
01:02:18,901 --> 01:02:21,404
But I always felt this way
and I remember being…

1273
01:02:21,487 --> 01:02:24,907
You know when you're four or five and
your parents tell the story of your birth?

1274
01:02:24,991 --> 01:02:25,950
You know? And…

1275
01:02:26,033 --> 01:02:27,618
I feel like my parents…

1276
01:02:27,702 --> 01:02:31,414
It sounds like they were always
talking about my conception and my birth.

1277
01:02:31,497 --> 01:02:33,958
I swear we had
normal conversations as well.

1278
01:02:34,041 --> 01:02:36,377
But I remember my dad telling me,

1279
01:02:36,461 --> 01:02:39,464
"Your mother went into labor,
we went to the hospital."

1280
01:02:39,547 --> 01:02:42,049
He was saying,
"Maybe you'll have your own kids one day."

1281
01:02:42,133 --> 01:02:43,843
And I'm imagining having my own kids.

1282
01:02:43,926 --> 01:02:48,598
In my fantasy of having children,
I was never the one having the kids.

1283
01:02:49,098 --> 01:02:54,312
It was a really specific fantasy where
I was this 1950s businessman father,

1284
01:02:54,395 --> 01:02:57,231
just like pacing
the halls of the hospital.

1285
01:02:57,315 --> 01:02:58,524
Smoking. Just…

1286
01:02:59,233 --> 01:03:01,486
Really like a very <i>101 Dalmatians </i>vibe.

1287
01:03:01,569 --> 01:03:03,863
Then some nurse
would be like, "It's a boy."

1288
01:03:03,946 --> 01:03:05,740
And I'd be like, "Cheers, gentlemen."

1289
01:03:07,408 --> 01:03:08,951
"I'll name it Buster."

1290
01:03:10,161 --> 01:03:11,829
"Send it down the mines."

1291
01:03:12,830 --> 01:03:15,333
Um, yeah. Okay, we're almost at the end.

1292
01:03:15,416 --> 01:03:18,419
I have one more thing to tell you.
I'm gonna get my mic stand.

1293
01:03:18,503 --> 01:03:21,005
If I… Yeah, imagine if I lost it?

1294
01:03:22,965 --> 01:03:26,677
So, I feel like… And by the way,
thank you so much. This has been really…

1295
01:03:26,761 --> 01:03:28,513
You've been amazing.

1296
01:03:28,596 --> 01:03:30,473
[crowd cheering]

1297
01:03:32,600 --> 01:03:35,102
I feel like we've been through, like…

1298
01:03:35,186 --> 01:03:38,940
In terms of our worldview,
we've been through pessimism and optimism.

1299
01:03:39,023 --> 01:03:40,983
And I really want
to end on a positive note.

1300
01:03:41,067 --> 01:03:44,487
So I want to tell you
this Buddhist parable that I love.

1301
01:03:44,570 --> 01:03:46,781
Um, this is… Stay with me. So…

1302
01:03:47,573 --> 01:03:49,700
I love this story. Um…

1303
01:03:49,784 --> 01:03:51,118
And then I'm gonna go.

1304
01:03:51,202 --> 01:03:54,330
It takes place in the forest, actually.
We're back in the forest.

1305
01:03:54,413 --> 01:03:58,334
And, basically, in this parable,
this man is being chased,

1306
01:03:58,417 --> 01:04:00,586
pursued through the forest by

1307
01:04:00,670 --> 01:04:03,506
what I can only describe
as a beast from hell.

1308
01:04:03,589 --> 01:04:06,092
Like, a really terrifying creature

1309
01:04:06,175 --> 01:04:09,929
with a lion's jaws
and this monstrous body.

1310
01:04:10,012 --> 01:04:12,890
Its nature is pure hunger.
It wants to devour this man,

1311
01:04:12,974 --> 01:04:16,018
and it's been chasing him for days,
and he's been running.

1312
01:04:16,102 --> 01:04:18,062
And he's starting to get exhausted.

1313
01:04:18,145 --> 01:04:20,565
At some point, he's going
to succumb to the beast.

1314
01:04:20,648 --> 01:04:24,318
Just when he thinks he's gonna pass out
and the beast is gonna get him,

1315
01:04:24,402 --> 01:04:27,780
he sees this little stone well
in the middle of the forest,

1316
01:04:27,864 --> 01:04:28,906
little circular well.

1317
01:04:28,990 --> 01:04:31,325
He's like, "I'll hide
in the well from the beast."

1318
01:04:31,409 --> 01:04:34,036
He jumps in.
Sure enough, the beast doesn't follow him

1319
01:04:34,120 --> 01:04:36,080
It stops at the top and is like… [growls]

1320
01:04:36,163 --> 01:04:39,709
He's like, "Great." He's falling
down the well, and as he's falling,

1321
01:04:39,792 --> 01:04:43,212
he feels water splashing up onto his feet.

1322
01:04:43,296 --> 01:04:45,590
He's like, "That's weird."
And he looks down.

1323
01:04:46,090 --> 01:04:48,301
And below him, where he's headed,

1324
01:04:48,384 --> 01:04:51,387
the water is churning wildly,
and he realizes…

1325
01:04:51,470 --> 01:04:53,014
What's at the bottom of the well?

1326
01:04:53,598 --> 01:04:54,515
Another beast.

1327
01:04:54,599 --> 01:04:56,893
Yeah. It's a double beast situash.

1328
01:04:57,560 --> 01:04:59,562
Bad. Bad news.

1329
01:04:59,645 --> 01:05:01,230
Beast at the top, beast below.

1330
01:05:02,148 --> 01:05:03,816
[growls] Like that.

1331
01:05:03,900 --> 01:05:06,944
And, at the last second,
he sees this branch

1332
01:05:07,028 --> 01:05:09,530
growing out of the side of the well,
like a gnarly branch.

1333
01:05:09,614 --> 01:05:13,409
So he grabs onto it
and he uses his last remaining strength

1334
01:05:13,492 --> 01:05:16,287
to maneuver himself up onto this branch.

1335
01:05:16,370 --> 01:05:18,581
And his muscles are quivering.

1336
01:05:18,664 --> 01:05:21,250
But he's like, "I made it."
The beast is there, the beast below.

1337
01:05:21,334 --> 01:05:24,295
And the branch is creaking
under his weight,

1338
01:05:24,378 --> 01:05:27,006
like, this is not
a permanent solution. Right?

1339
01:05:27,089 --> 01:05:29,800
At some point,
the branch is going to give out.

1340
01:05:29,884 --> 01:05:31,385
And he's sweating…

1341
01:05:31,469 --> 01:05:33,638
he's sweating
in that crease here. You know?

1342
01:05:35,056 --> 01:05:38,684
If you're sweating in that crease,
you are in trouble.

1343
01:05:39,977 --> 01:05:43,439
And suddenly he looks to the end
of the branch and he sees

1344
01:05:43,522 --> 01:05:45,650
something glistening on the end.

1345
01:05:45,733 --> 01:05:48,110
He's like, "What is that?"
And so he balances

1346
01:05:48,194 --> 01:05:51,364
and he reaches out with one finger
to the end of the branch,

1347
01:05:51,447 --> 01:05:52,740
and he gets it on his finger.

1348
01:05:52,823 --> 01:05:55,368
It's golden, glistening tree sap.

1349
01:05:55,451 --> 01:05:56,369
It's tree sap.

1350
01:05:56,452 --> 01:05:58,996
And he puts it in his mouth and he's like,

1351
01:05:59,789 --> 01:06:01,582
"Is that? That's delicious."

1352
01:06:04,251 --> 01:06:06,754
Guys, it's positive. Wait.

1353
01:06:07,296 --> 01:06:09,298
That's… That's it. No.

1354
01:06:11,217 --> 01:06:12,385
Hello? [laughs]

1355
01:06:13,970 --> 01:06:14,804
Okay.

1356
01:06:18,182 --> 01:06:19,225
Okay. Uh…

1357
01:06:20,643 --> 01:06:23,312
Trust me, I find it very positive.

1358
01:06:24,021 --> 01:06:26,816
You got to get on board. Please.
I've called the show <i>SAP.</i>

1359
01:06:26,899 --> 01:06:29,193
You truly must get on board.

1360
01:06:29,276 --> 01:06:32,655
Like, this was not cheap.

1361
01:06:32,738 --> 01:06:34,865
[crowd cheering]

1362
01:06:35,992 --> 01:06:39,245
No, but I really do find it positive
because it's, like, look.

1363
01:06:39,328 --> 01:06:42,540
Life might be a double beast situash.

1364
01:06:42,623 --> 01:06:46,335
That might be just what life--
In a way, is it not? Know what I mean?

1365
01:06:46,419 --> 01:06:48,212
But luckily there's so much sap,

1366
01:06:48,295 --> 01:06:52,258
and we have to just to take the time,
it's worth it to enjoy the sap,

1367
01:06:52,341 --> 01:06:54,176
and cultivate it where we can.

1368
01:06:54,260 --> 01:06:57,096
And luckily there's
an abundance of sap, I think.

1369
01:06:57,179 --> 01:06:59,890
Like everywhere you look,
if you look hard.

1370
01:06:59,974 --> 01:07:01,434
You got dogs.

1371
01:07:03,644 --> 01:07:06,397
Every dog on this Earth.

1372
01:07:06,897 --> 01:07:09,859
Like a good pair of jeans.
That's sap. That can be sap.

1373
01:07:09,942 --> 01:07:12,194
The Beatles, for me, are sap. Um…

1374
01:07:12,820 --> 01:07:16,824
Your friends. The TV show <i>Friends.</i>
No, like having friends.

1375
01:07:16,907 --> 01:07:18,242
Um, sex is good.

1376
01:07:18,325 --> 01:07:20,661
Sex with your friends is pretty good. Um…

1377
01:07:21,495 --> 01:07:23,789
Scaring people, "Ooh." Yeah, if that's…

1378
01:07:25,708 --> 01:07:28,794
I like campfires, roasting marshmallows,

1379
01:07:28,878 --> 01:07:31,255
the song "Bennie and the Jets"
by Elton John.

1380
01:07:32,548 --> 01:07:33,382
Um…

1381
01:07:33,466 --> 01:07:37,595
Yeah, hugs and sparklers,
Christmas lights,

1382
01:07:37,678 --> 01:07:39,847
all those things are fully sap.

1383
01:07:39,930 --> 01:07:41,807
All those things can be sap.

1384
01:07:41,891 --> 01:07:43,976
And genuinely, this may be corny,

1385
01:07:44,060 --> 01:07:46,395
but truly, this is sap for me.

1386
01:07:46,479 --> 01:07:50,357
Doing this makes me so happy
and it's sap for me.

1387
01:07:50,441 --> 01:07:52,526
And I'm so grateful to you all for coming.

1388
01:07:52,610 --> 01:07:53,903
[crowd cheering]

1389
01:07:53,986 --> 01:07:55,112
Thank you so much.

1390
01:07:56,822 --> 01:07:59,450
[continue cheering]

1391
01:08:10,086 --> 01:08:12,088
[continue cheering]

1392
01:08:14,840 --> 01:08:16,258
[man clapping]

1393
01:08:16,342 --> 01:08:19,261
Thank you so much. Thank you very much.

1394
01:08:21,597 --> 01:08:22,556
Oh, fuck.

1395
01:08:23,390 --> 01:08:24,475
[sniffles]

1396
01:08:24,558 --> 01:08:27,311
[sobbing] Oh my God. Oh my God.

1397
01:08:27,394 --> 01:08:29,605
Are-- Wait. Are you crying?

1398
01:08:30,564 --> 01:08:32,858
Yeah, I mean, it was all just so sad.

1399
01:08:32,942 --> 01:08:34,485
[sobbing]

1400
01:08:34,568 --> 01:08:36,112
It was supposed to be funny.

1401
01:08:36,195 --> 01:08:39,990
-No, it wasn't.
<i>-</i>Yeah, it was. The whole thing.

1402
01:08:40,741 --> 01:08:41,951
Really?

1403
01:08:43,285 --> 01:08:44,328
[sighs]

1404
01:08:45,371 --> 01:08:47,540
Guess you and I just have
different senses of humor.

1405
01:08:48,374 --> 01:08:50,501
Well, thank you
for listening anyway. [sniffs]

1406
01:08:51,085 --> 01:08:53,212
It's good to get that stuff off my chest.

1407
01:08:56,340 --> 01:08:57,925
No, it's…

1408
01:08:59,135 --> 01:09:01,262
It's me. I'm me.

1409
01:09:04,348 --> 01:09:05,349
You are you.

1410
01:09:06,142 --> 01:09:07,268
It's wonderful.

1411
01:09:10,521 --> 01:09:13,274
-Well, should we get started?
-Yeah.

1412
01:09:13,357 --> 01:09:15,234
-[grunts]
-[Mae sighs]

1413
01:09:15,317 --> 01:09:18,154
-Are you excited?
-Yeah, I'm a little nervous. I'm excited.

1414
01:09:18,237 --> 01:09:19,738
Nervous is normal. This is a bit heavy.

1415
01:09:19,822 --> 01:09:21,699
The Buchanan's got
a lot of mail this season.

1416
01:09:21,782 --> 01:09:23,868
-Oh, really? Popular?
-You're gonna love this.

1417
01:09:23,951 --> 01:09:25,327
-Okay.
-All right. Shovels.

1418
01:09:25,411 --> 01:09:26,829
-Yeah.
-Yeah? Ooh.

1419
01:09:26,912 --> 01:09:28,581
-[both laugh]
-[pensive music playing]

1420
01:09:28,664 --> 01:09:31,125
-I'm so happy you came.
-[Mae] Yeah, thanks for having me.

1421
01:09:31,208 --> 01:09:33,210
I can't believe
it was supposed to be funny.

1422
01:09:33,294 --> 01:09:34,503
-Yeah, well…
-That's crazy.

1423
01:09:34,587 --> 01:09:36,589
Parts were poignant, I guess. But…

1424
01:09:36,672 --> 01:09:38,632
-Yeah. All right, so here we go.
-Okay.

1425
01:09:38,716 --> 01:09:42,261
Let's get a little hole going here.
There you go. Get in there.

1426
01:09:42,344 --> 01:09:43,554
You're gonna love this, Mae.

1427
01:09:43,637 --> 01:09:45,097
-Over-the-shoulder?
-Oh, yeah.

1428
01:09:45,181 --> 01:09:48,058
-Yeah, ready.
-One, two, three. Yeah!

1429
01:09:48,142 --> 01:09:50,436
-Feels good, huh?
-[Mae laughs] Sick. Should we…?

1430
01:09:50,519 --> 01:09:52,354
-[man] Yeah, grab some mail.
-What do you…

1431
01:09:53,105 --> 01:09:55,149
What do you usually? Is this one fine?

1432
01:09:55,232 --> 01:09:57,234
[both continue indistinctly]