WEBVTT FILE 1 00:00:01.238 --> 00:00:03.305 Emcee 1: ... to say that you saw her in a laundromat. 2 00:00:02.000 --> 00:00:07.000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 3 00:00:03.374 --> 00:00:05.975 Put your hands together big for Marcella Arguello! 4 00:00:06.044 --> 00:00:09.111 (applause, cheering) 5 00:00:08.000 --> 00:00:13.000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 6 00:00:09.180 --> 00:00:11.514 Emcee 2: Marcella Arguello! 7 00:00:11.583 --> 00:00:12.814 Hey, what's up, guys? 8 00:00:12.882 --> 00:00:15.217 Emcee 3: She's one of my best friends. Let's hear it for 9 00:00:15.286 --> 00:00:19.088 -Ms. Marcella Arguello! -(crowd cheering) 10 00:00:19.157 --> 00:00:21.522 Okay, okay, okay! Everybody, what's up? 11 00:00:21.591 --> 00:00:23.658 Make some noise. What's up, what's up, what's up? 12 00:00:23.727 --> 00:00:25.293 Everybody make some noise. Keep it going. 13 00:00:25.362 --> 00:00:28.030 Make some motherfucking noise! 14 00:00:28.099 --> 00:00:29.865 What's up, New York? 15 00:00:29.934 --> 00:00:33.438 (applause, cheering) 16 00:00:34.604 --> 00:00:37.072 What's up, y'all? My name is Marcella. 17 00:00:37.141 --> 00:00:39.875 I'm very tall for a woman, bitch. Take it in, okay? 18 00:00:39.944 --> 00:00:41.546 -(cheering) -Yeah. 19 00:00:42.781 --> 00:00:44.145 I'm 6'2". I'm gonna go over 20 00:00:44.214 --> 00:00:48.283 -a few things I don't wanna be asked ever again, okay? -(laughter) 21 00:00:48.352 --> 00:00:50.753 I don't play basketball, I don't play volleyball, 22 00:00:50.822 --> 00:00:51.854 I'm not a model, 23 00:00:51.923 --> 00:00:53.255 and since I have everybody's attention, 24 00:00:53.324 --> 00:00:55.224 just wanna let you all know 25 00:00:55.293 --> 00:00:57.259 the tops of your refrigerators are fucking disgusting. 26 00:00:57.328 --> 00:00:58.994 (laughter, applause) 27 00:00:59.063 --> 00:01:01.157 Clean 'em up! 28 00:01:01.226 --> 00:01:05.367 They're all greasy and dusty and shit. What's that about? 29 00:01:05.436 --> 00:01:08.037 I get mistaken for a man sometimes. It's all good. 30 00:01:08.106 --> 00:01:09.633 I don't care. I'm very confident. 31 00:01:09.702 --> 00:01:11.374 I don't give a fuck, right? 32 00:01:11.443 --> 00:01:12.908 (laughter) 33 00:01:12.977 --> 00:01:14.543 But sometimes, it hurts my feelings. 34 00:01:14.612 --> 00:01:15.878 (laughter) 35 00:01:15.947 --> 00:01:17.312 When I was flying out to New York, 36 00:01:17.381 --> 00:01:19.014 as soon as we land-- Now, 37 00:01:19.083 --> 00:01:21.749 I don't look like this when I fly, right? 38 00:01:21.818 --> 00:01:25.153 I'm, like, sweatpants, you know, sneakers, baggy T-shirt, 39 00:01:25.222 --> 00:01:28.423 hair pulled back, glasses, mask, right? No makeup. 40 00:01:28.492 --> 00:01:31.626 And so, when we land in New York, 41 00:01:31.695 --> 00:01:34.362 the woman across the aisle, she-- she props up. 42 00:01:34.431 --> 00:01:37.365 She's a tiny woman. She props up out of her chair. 43 00:01:37.434 --> 00:01:38.667 You know, she's getting her bag, 44 00:01:38.736 --> 00:01:41.173 but she starts struggling with her bag. 45 00:01:43.573 --> 00:01:46.345 And then this fine-ass Black guy 46 00:01:47.144 --> 00:01:48.839 helps her with her bag. 47 00:01:48.908 --> 00:01:50.946 And I was like, I'm gonna struggle. 48 00:01:51.015 --> 00:01:53.082 (laughter, applause) 49 00:01:53.151 --> 00:01:54.786 With my bag, right? 50 00:01:56.520 --> 00:01:59.221 But like I said, I didn't look like this, right? 51 00:01:59.290 --> 00:02:01.022 So, I get up, and I'm like, 52 00:02:01.091 --> 00:02:03.528 -"Oh." (pouty sigh) -(laughter) 53 00:02:04.795 --> 00:02:07.127 "My little wrist. 54 00:02:07.632 --> 00:02:08.964 Owie!" 55 00:02:09.033 --> 00:02:11.100 (groans) And he looks at me. He's like, 56 00:02:11.169 --> 00:02:12.801 "You got that, bro?" 57 00:02:12.870 --> 00:02:14.970 (laughter) 58 00:02:15.039 --> 00:02:16.105 I didn't give a fuck. I was like, 59 00:02:16.174 --> 00:02:18.173 "Yeah, it's all good, dog! 60 00:02:18.242 --> 00:02:19.878 -Don't even trip." -(applause) 61 00:02:21.278 --> 00:02:23.278 I am Latina. Any Latinos in the house? 62 00:02:23.347 --> 00:02:26.782 -(cheering, applause) -Nice. 63 00:02:26.851 --> 00:02:28.517 Yeah. 64 00:02:28.586 --> 00:02:31.086 I'm a-- I'm a very proud Latina. 65 00:02:31.155 --> 00:02:32.855 I'm a very proud Latina. Um... 66 00:02:32.924 --> 00:02:34.184 And it was-- it was-- 67 00:02:34.253 --> 00:02:36.524 It's funny because, you know, because of how I look, 68 00:02:36.593 --> 00:02:38.793 people don't think I'm Latina, right? 69 00:02:38.862 --> 00:02:41.696 I once, when I worked as a bank teller, I had this woman. 70 00:02:41.765 --> 00:02:43.565 A lot of people think I'm mixed with Black and white, 71 00:02:43.634 --> 00:02:45.300 especially in California. In New York, y'all know. 72 00:02:45.369 --> 00:02:47.602 Y'all don't get it fucked up in New York. Y'all know. 73 00:02:47.671 --> 00:02:49.638 You guys got everything in New York, so you're just like, 74 00:02:49.707 --> 00:02:53.608 "Ah, mija !" Right? As soon as they see me. "Ah!" 75 00:02:53.677 --> 00:02:55.911 But in California, they're-- if you don't look Mexican, they're like, 76 00:02:55.980 --> 00:02:59.148 -"What?" -(laughter) 77 00:02:59.217 --> 00:03:02.317 So, I'm working as a teller, uh, in Cali, 78 00:03:02.386 --> 00:03:05.320 and this customer, her account was all fucked up, 79 00:03:05.389 --> 00:03:08.990 and she starts talking shit about me in Spanish 80 00:03:09.059 --> 00:03:11.726 -at the teller window right in front of me, right? -(booing) 81 00:03:11.795 --> 00:03:13.495 Probably thought I was mixed Black and white. 82 00:03:13.564 --> 00:03:15.597 Probably didn't know I spoke Spanish. 83 00:03:15.666 --> 00:03:18.166 So, she's talking shit. And as soon as she finishes, I'm like, 84 00:03:18.235 --> 00:03:19.634 "Oh, I'm sorry. (laughs) 85 00:03:19.703 --> 00:03:22.307 "Looks like I won't be able to help you with this account..." 86 00:03:25.243 --> 00:03:28.313 (applause, cheering) 87 00:03:30.080 --> 00:03:33.414 So, she was upset. She was upset. 88 00:03:33.483 --> 00:03:35.751 She's upset. She goes up to my manager. 89 00:03:35.820 --> 00:03:38.353 She's like, "Oh, my God! 90 00:03:38.422 --> 00:03:40.756 This young woman just called me an old bitch in Spanish." 91 00:03:40.825 --> 00:03:42.958 And my manager was like, "(gasps) Wha... 92 00:03:43.027 --> 00:03:45.393 She is Black and white! She don't speak Spanish!" 93 00:03:45.462 --> 00:03:48.196 I was like... (imitates airhorn) 94 00:03:48.265 --> 00:03:50.132 Wu-Tang is for the children! 95 00:03:50.201 --> 00:03:52.771 Bobby Digital! (beeping) Um... 96 00:03:54.138 --> 00:03:57.740 -Stupid bitch. Um... -(laughter) 97 00:03:57.809 --> 00:03:59.675 It's crazy though because, like, you know, 98 00:03:59.744 --> 00:04:01.243 Latinos, we're everything, right? 99 00:04:01.312 --> 00:04:03.378 We're the blackest Black, we're the whitest white. 100 00:04:03.447 --> 00:04:05.647 We look like every-- We are everybody, right? 101 00:04:05.716 --> 00:04:09.284 That's why we're taking over, girl, ha! Um... 102 00:04:09.353 --> 00:04:11.018 But it's-it's a mind-fuck in Hollywood, too, 103 00:04:11.087 --> 00:04:13.521 because, like Sofia Vergara-- I don't know if you guys know, 104 00:04:13.590 --> 00:04:15.758 but Sofia Vergara, when she got "Modern Family," 105 00:04:15.827 --> 00:04:18.427 it was because she dyed her hair brown, 106 00:04:18.496 --> 00:04:20.895 so she could look "more Latina," right? 107 00:04:20.964 --> 00:04:23.559 Which is crazy. That's fucked up that she had to do that. 108 00:04:23.628 --> 00:04:26.301 And then when she got the role on "Modern Family," what happened? 109 00:04:26.370 --> 00:04:28.671 The Latinos gave her backlash 110 00:04:28.740 --> 00:04:30.705 because she was "too stereotypical." 111 00:04:30.774 --> 00:04:32.608 They didn't like the way she represented Latinos. 112 00:04:32.677 --> 00:04:34.009 And I was like, (clicks tongue) 113 00:04:34.078 --> 00:04:36.779 I got a lot of family members that act like her, okay? 114 00:04:36.848 --> 00:04:38.580 (laughter) 115 00:04:38.649 --> 00:04:41.686 Yeah, it's my gay Uncles pero still, you know, like? 116 00:04:43.020 --> 00:04:45.057 They deserve representation. 117 00:04:48.025 --> 00:04:50.992 So, because I grew up in a conservative, uh, town, 118 00:04:51.061 --> 00:04:53.462 I-- you know, I don't identify as white. I don't. 119 00:04:53.531 --> 00:04:56.331 I identify as white-passing, and the difference 120 00:04:56.400 --> 00:04:58.533 between white and white-passing 121 00:04:58.602 --> 00:05:01.870 is that I would never put my parents in a nursing home. 122 00:05:01.939 --> 00:05:04.006 -Um... -(applause) 123 00:05:04.075 --> 00:05:07.710 -(laughs) Oh shit. -(cheering) 124 00:05:07.779 --> 00:05:09.014 Thank you. 125 00:05:10.414 --> 00:05:12.481 Hey, man, shout out to all y'all for coming out. 126 00:05:12.550 --> 00:05:13.748 We appreciate you. 127 00:05:13.817 --> 00:05:15.350 I can't have you guys applauding every joke. 128 00:05:15.419 --> 00:05:17.652 -I don't got that kind of time. Please don't do that. -(laughter) 129 00:05:17.721 --> 00:05:19.788 Just laugh. I-I don't wanna fuckin' fuck my shit up 130 00:05:19.857 --> 00:05:22.494 'cause y'all are too excited. Um... 131 00:05:23.593 --> 00:05:25.756 -(laughs) -(laughter, indistinct yell) 132 00:05:25.825 --> 00:05:28.230 I know, girl. Um... 133 00:05:28.299 --> 00:05:31.467 So, the pandemic fucked shit up, right? 134 00:05:31.536 --> 00:05:32.768 I think it-- it changed me. 135 00:05:32.837 --> 00:05:34.169 I don't know if it changed you, guys. 136 00:05:34.238 --> 00:05:36.571 I appreciate you guys all coming out. 137 00:05:36.640 --> 00:05:38.408 You guys aren't wearing masks. What is wrong with you? 138 00:05:38.477 --> 00:05:39.407 I don't know. 139 00:05:39.476 --> 00:05:42.343 Shout out to you, sir. Thank you. 140 00:05:42.412 --> 00:05:44.612 Um, but the pandemic changed me. 141 00:05:44.681 --> 00:05:46.447 Remember at the begin-- It's been so long, right? 142 00:05:46.516 --> 00:05:48.016 It's been so long. Remember at the beginning, 143 00:05:48.085 --> 00:05:51.019 people were posting stupid shit on social media? 144 00:05:51.088 --> 00:05:53.088 I had hella friends just posting the dumbest shit. 145 00:05:53.157 --> 00:05:54.589 I had one friend that was like, 146 00:05:54.658 --> 00:05:57.226 (mocking): "I just cut my own hair for the first time ever. 147 00:05:57.295 --> 00:05:58.793 Hashtag bangs." 148 00:05:58.862 --> 00:06:01.696 -(laughter) -I had another homegirl who was like, 149 00:06:01.765 --> 00:06:04.132 (mocking): "Just painted my own nails for the first time ever. 150 00:06:04.201 --> 00:06:06.668 -Hashtag DIY." -(laughter) 151 00:06:06.737 --> 00:06:08.403 I had a homeboy who was like, 152 00:06:08.472 --> 00:06:10.738 "Just cooked every meal for the first time this week 153 00:06:10.807 --> 00:06:13.276 in my whole life." I was like, have you guys never been broke? 154 00:06:13.345 --> 00:06:14.575 (laughter) 155 00:06:14.644 --> 00:06:17.247 Hashtag hella broke. You guys never been broke, ever? 156 00:06:17.316 --> 00:06:18.914 Okay. Alright. 157 00:06:18.983 --> 00:06:21.016 I know who I'm gonna hit up for bail money. 158 00:06:21.085 --> 00:06:22.617 (laughter, applause) 159 00:06:22.686 --> 00:06:24.753 And then, the vaccine rollout happened, 160 00:06:24.822 --> 00:06:26.655 and I was so excited, you know, 161 00:06:26.724 --> 00:06:29.692 because being single during the pandemic was rough, right? 162 00:06:29.761 --> 00:06:31.860 -(audience agreeing) -It was rough! 163 00:06:31.929 --> 00:06:33.729 Me and all my homegirls were so excited 164 00:06:33.798 --> 00:06:34.997 when the vaccine rollout happened. 165 00:06:35.066 --> 00:06:36.531 We were just like in the group chat, like, 166 00:06:36.600 --> 00:06:38.233 "Oh, I can't wait to get back out there." 167 00:06:38.302 --> 00:06:41.097 "Yeah, me--" Bitch, I was so desperate, 168 00:06:41.166 --> 00:06:43.439 I almost ordered a male sex robot. 169 00:06:43.508 --> 00:06:45.235 (laughter) 170 00:06:45.304 --> 00:06:46.608 That's where I was at, but with my luck, 171 00:06:46.677 --> 00:06:48.711 it was gonna show up and be 5'6". 172 00:06:48.780 --> 00:06:50.212 (laughter) 173 00:06:50.281 --> 00:06:51.480 I turn it on, it be like, 174 00:06:51.549 --> 00:06:54.116 (robotic): "I am 5'9". Beep, boop, boop." 175 00:06:54.185 --> 00:06:57.417 (applause, laughter) 176 00:06:58.255 --> 00:06:59.554 I don't know why, y'all men, 177 00:06:59.623 --> 00:07:01.156 you guys always lie about your height. 178 00:07:01.225 --> 00:07:02.892 I don't know what that's about. 179 00:07:02.961 --> 00:07:04.659 Men lie so much about their height, 180 00:07:04.728 --> 00:07:07.896 they accuse me of being seven feet tall. 181 00:07:07.965 --> 00:07:09.531 (laughter) 182 00:07:09.600 --> 00:07:11.866 That's happened more than three times. 183 00:07:11.935 --> 00:07:15.204 You realize how fucked up that is? Anyways, alright. 184 00:07:15.273 --> 00:07:19.041 So, I was getting-- I was getting thirsty, man. It was hard. 185 00:07:19.110 --> 00:07:20.676 And then, in the group chat, we were all like, 186 00:07:20.745 --> 00:07:21.877 I just wanna get back out there. 187 00:07:21.946 --> 00:07:23.612 I'm gonna join the dating websites. Me, too. 188 00:07:23.681 --> 00:07:24.780 And one of my homegirls was like, 189 00:07:24.849 --> 00:07:27.086 "Marcella, I just miss kissing." 190 00:07:27.780 --> 00:07:29.418 (laughter) 191 00:07:29.487 --> 00:07:31.186 I was like, "It's been two years, bitch. 192 00:07:31.255 --> 00:07:33.155 I wanna be railed into a wall." 193 00:07:33.224 --> 00:07:36.091 (applause, laughter) 194 00:07:36.160 --> 00:07:38.761 I want a dude to blow my back out so hard. 195 00:07:38.830 --> 00:07:42.067 my scoliosis reverses, you feel me? 196 00:07:44.902 --> 00:07:46.634 God damn. 197 00:07:46.703 --> 00:07:49.604 Kissing. I don't even kiss one-night stands. 198 00:07:49.673 --> 00:07:52.174 I had a one-night stand try to kiss me once. I was like, 199 00:07:52.243 --> 00:07:54.076 "Sir, ew! I don't know you!" 200 00:07:54.145 --> 00:07:57.012 (laughter) 201 00:07:57.081 --> 00:08:00.148 -Now, let's go raw dog, come on. -(applause) 202 00:08:00.217 --> 00:08:03.186 Oh, we got some hoes in the audience tonight. Nice. 203 00:08:03.255 --> 00:08:04.554 (cheering) 204 00:08:04.623 --> 00:08:06.754 -Yeah. -(cheering continues) 205 00:08:06.823 --> 00:08:11.293 Alright, relax, you thirsty-ass bitches. God damn. 206 00:08:11.362 --> 00:08:14.629 Uh, and I-- you know what I miss about the before times, though, 207 00:08:14.698 --> 00:08:16.665 -is going out dancing. -(sad groans) 208 00:08:16.734 --> 00:08:18.266 That's-- All the girls got sad. 209 00:08:18.335 --> 00:08:20.135 -(laughter) -I know! I miss it! 210 00:08:20.204 --> 00:08:22.470 I miss going out dancing. I used to go every week. 211 00:08:22.539 --> 00:08:24.973 It was so fun, and I miss going out dancing. 212 00:08:25.042 --> 00:08:28.075 Um, I-I-- My favorite is going to gay clubs, right? 213 00:08:28.144 --> 00:08:31.379 I love going to gay clubs 'cause gay men love straight women. They love-- 214 00:08:31.448 --> 00:08:33.015 You could walk in, looking like shit. 215 00:08:33.084 --> 00:08:35.550 -I've done it before. -(laughter) 216 00:08:35.619 --> 00:08:37.086 And one time-- It's a safe space, right? 217 00:08:37.155 --> 00:08:38.786 They're not gon-- They're not there to bug you, right? 218 00:08:38.855 --> 00:08:40.923 You can just do whatever. You can smell however you want. 219 00:08:40.992 --> 00:08:41.957 No one cares. 220 00:08:42.026 --> 00:08:43.558 I one time walked into a gay club, 221 00:08:43.627 --> 00:08:45.693 looking like straight-up shit head-to-toe, 222 00:08:45.762 --> 00:08:47.662 and as soon as I walked in, this little queen was like, 223 00:08:47.731 --> 00:08:50.666 "Yes, girl! You serving hobo realness!" 224 00:08:50.735 --> 00:08:53.468 -(applause) -(laughs) 225 00:08:53.537 --> 00:08:56.972 I was like, "Thank you! Thank you." 226 00:08:57.041 --> 00:08:58.534 But I hate going to straight clubs 227 00:08:58.603 --> 00:09:01.876 'cause, men, y'all have lost your sense of decorum. 228 00:09:01.945 --> 00:09:04.180 Motherfuckers went from, "May I have this dance," to... 229 00:09:04.249 --> 00:09:05.809 (grunting) 230 00:09:05.878 --> 00:09:07.082 (laughter) 231 00:09:07.151 --> 00:09:09.651 (grunting) 232 00:09:09.720 --> 00:09:12.087 Just shit-faced drunk, just thrusting their genitals. 233 00:09:12.156 --> 00:09:15.023 -They're doing (blubbering). -(laughter) 234 00:09:15.092 --> 00:09:17.287 You're just minding your business with your girl, 235 00:09:17.356 --> 00:09:18.693 doing the little junior high circle, 236 00:09:18.762 --> 00:09:21.996 -minding your business, right? -(laughter) 237 00:09:22.065 --> 00:09:24.533 And they just, (grunting)-- "Oh, my God! Is that a mosquito? 238 00:09:24.602 --> 00:09:27.368 -Ah!" -(applause) 239 00:09:27.437 --> 00:09:29.637 And straight dudes are tenacious. 240 00:09:29.706 --> 00:09:31.673 It's a numbers game for straight men. They're like, 241 00:09:31.742 --> 00:09:33.441 "Oh my bad, my bad." And they just move on. 242 00:09:33.510 --> 00:09:36.916 -(blubbering) -(laughter) 243 00:09:37.782 --> 00:09:39.381 "Oh, no, my bad, my bad, my bad." 244 00:09:39.450 --> 00:09:41.483 -(grunting) -(laughter) 245 00:09:41.552 --> 00:09:42.988 (blubbering) 246 00:09:45.256 --> 00:09:47.222 And then when you try to be like, "Oh, no, thank you," 247 00:09:47.291 --> 00:09:48.690 they're just, they just... 248 00:09:48.759 --> 00:09:50.058 "Hey, you don't have to play hard to get." 249 00:09:50.127 --> 00:09:52.295 Sir, you're playing hard to get away from! 250 00:09:52.364 --> 00:09:53.628 (applause) 251 00:09:53.697 --> 00:09:57.467 Leave me alone. No means no, Bill Cosby. Um... 252 00:09:57.536 --> 00:10:00.135 (shocked groans) 253 00:10:00.204 --> 00:10:02.438 If that's what you're offended by, just buckle up. 254 00:10:02.507 --> 00:10:03.939 (laughter) 255 00:10:04.008 --> 00:10:07.409 I got some shit in the second half. Alright, um... 256 00:10:07.478 --> 00:10:09.711 But I do. I miss going out dancing. 257 00:10:09.780 --> 00:10:11.213 I, uh... (laughs) 258 00:10:11.282 --> 00:10:13.882 I one time had a guy approach me at the bar. 259 00:10:13.951 --> 00:10:17.152 He comes right up to me. He's like, "I been watchin' you." 260 00:10:17.221 --> 00:10:19.658 Which is a bad start, right, ladies? 261 00:10:20.325 --> 00:10:22.691 Creepy as fuck. 262 00:10:22.760 --> 00:10:25.527 He's like, "You're very tall." 263 00:10:25.596 --> 00:10:28.964 I was like, cool, he has eyeballs? I don't... 264 00:10:29.033 --> 00:10:31.166 He's like, "You don't move like a tall person." 265 00:10:31.235 --> 00:10:33.501 -What the fuck does that mean? -(laughter) 266 00:10:33.570 --> 00:10:34.970 Does he expect me to walk in the room 267 00:10:35.039 --> 00:10:36.939 and just start dunking on fools? 268 00:10:37.008 --> 00:10:38.907 (laughter) 269 00:10:38.976 --> 00:10:41.410 Soon as I walk in, every room I walk into, I'm like, 270 00:10:41.479 --> 00:10:43.546 "Hey, guys, I'm here from downtown!" 271 00:10:43.615 --> 00:10:46.114 (applause) 272 00:10:46.183 --> 00:10:48.984 "What's up, y'all? Boom-shakalaka! 273 00:10:49.053 --> 00:10:53.088 She's on fire!" I don't know what I'm doing wrong. 274 00:10:53.157 --> 00:10:55.924 I once had a guy roll up on me. Literally. He's in a wheelchair. 275 00:10:55.993 --> 00:10:58.493 -He rolls up. -(laughter) 276 00:10:58.562 --> 00:11:00.863 I'm so excited. I don't have a type. 277 00:11:00.932 --> 00:11:02.665 I really don't. Short, tall, fat, skinny. 278 00:11:02.734 --> 00:11:03.865 I don't give a fuck. You got a dick? 279 00:11:03.934 --> 00:11:05.501 I wanna see it, I wanna smell it. 280 00:11:05.570 --> 00:11:08.807 (applause) 281 00:11:09.674 --> 00:11:11.241 I'm like a curious puppy. 282 00:11:11.310 --> 00:11:14.213 (rapid sniffing) 283 00:11:17.915 --> 00:11:21.116 So this fool rolls up. I'm excited. He goes like this. 284 00:11:21.185 --> 00:11:23.318 I love confidence in a man. When he goes like this, 285 00:11:23.387 --> 00:11:24.948 I'm like, oh, what's up? 286 00:11:25.017 --> 00:11:26.391 (laughter) 287 00:11:27.391 --> 00:11:28.623 And he says, and I quote, 288 00:11:28.692 --> 00:11:32.161 "You would be perfect if you had a fat ass." 289 00:11:32.230 --> 00:11:33.996 (audience gasps) 290 00:11:34.065 --> 00:11:36.465 I was like, "You don't have legs." 291 00:11:36.534 --> 00:11:39.134 (laughter) 292 00:11:39.203 --> 00:11:42.637 (applause) 293 00:11:42.706 --> 00:11:44.039 And I wasn't even gonna bring it up! 294 00:11:44.108 --> 00:11:46.441 I had no problem with this shit, right? 295 00:11:46.510 --> 00:11:48.477 I'm glad you guys enjoyed that. 296 00:11:48.546 --> 00:11:50.045 (laughter) 297 00:11:50.114 --> 00:11:51.881 For anybody at home who's watching 298 00:11:51.950 --> 00:11:53.543 and is uptight about it, just so you know, 299 00:11:53.612 --> 00:11:56.151 I'm not the bad guy in that story, okay? 300 00:11:56.220 --> 00:11:59.621 MLK taught me to judge people by the content of their character. 301 00:11:59.690 --> 00:12:03.258 -That dude was a dick, right? -(applause) 302 00:12:03.327 --> 00:12:05.160 Because think about it. He could have been clever 303 00:12:05.229 --> 00:12:07.262 with this shit, but he chose to neg me. 304 00:12:07.331 --> 00:12:08.697 I hate when men neg. 305 00:12:08.766 --> 00:12:10.132 For-- Young women, do not fall for negging. 306 00:12:10.201 --> 00:12:13.301 Negging is when a man includes a insult in his compliment. 307 00:12:13.370 --> 00:12:15.737 That's not a compliment. Just say I'm perfect. 308 00:12:15.806 --> 00:12:17.472 We both know that's not true. Who gives a fuck? 309 00:12:17.541 --> 00:12:18.908 Are you trying to fuck or not? 310 00:12:18.977 --> 00:12:21.813 (applause, laughter) 311 00:12:22.447 --> 00:12:23.639 Right? 312 00:12:23.708 --> 00:12:25.647 And he could have been clever with this shit. 313 00:12:25.716 --> 00:12:27.615 He could've fucking rolled up, did this, 314 00:12:27.684 --> 00:12:29.885 I would've been like, "What's up?" He could've been like, 315 00:12:29.954 --> 00:12:32.120 "You ain't got no ass. I ain't got no legs. 316 00:12:32.189 --> 00:12:34.155 Together, we make a whole person." 317 00:12:34.224 --> 00:12:36.219 -(cheering) -I'd have been like, 318 00:12:36.288 --> 00:12:38.261 "Oh, shit, let's go!" 319 00:12:38.330 --> 00:12:41.366 (applause) 320 00:12:44.468 --> 00:12:47.663 -Your guys' clapping is stressing me out. Um... -(laughter) 321 00:12:47.732 --> 00:12:51.206 I don't like it. You guys are too lit right now! 322 00:12:51.275 --> 00:12:53.773 I'm good, huh? That's the problem. Um. 323 00:12:54.646 --> 00:12:56.479 (laughing) 324 00:12:56.548 --> 00:12:58.013 (applause) 325 00:12:58.082 --> 00:13:00.049 They got it. They heard it. 326 00:13:00.118 --> 00:13:01.616 But ever since I was a little girl, 327 00:13:01.685 --> 00:13:03.585 I always wanted a man to approach me 328 00:13:03.654 --> 00:13:07.388 the way Michael Jackson used to approach women in his videos. 329 00:13:07.457 --> 00:13:09.892 That's all I ever wanted. Ever since I was a little girl, 330 00:13:09.961 --> 00:13:12.064 I just wanted a guy to be all like-- 331 00:13:12.697 --> 00:13:15.935 (laughter) 332 00:13:19.904 --> 00:13:23.639 "What's your name? (imitating Michael Jackson) 333 00:13:23.708 --> 00:13:26.274 (laughter) 334 00:13:26.343 --> 00:13:27.109 (sings high note) 335 00:13:27.178 --> 00:13:30.415 (imitating Michael Jackson) 336 00:13:33.251 --> 00:13:35.587 (laughter) 337 00:13:36.754 --> 00:13:39.992 (applause) 338 00:13:43.461 --> 00:13:44.727 "Can I buy you a drink? 339 00:13:44.796 --> 00:13:46.328 (laughter) 340 00:13:46.397 --> 00:13:49.565 Vodka tonic? Be right back." Just moonwalks. 341 00:13:49.634 --> 00:13:51.734 (laughter, applause) 342 00:13:51.803 --> 00:13:53.438 Into my heart. Okay. 343 00:13:55.306 --> 00:13:56.341 (laughs) 344 00:13:57.742 --> 00:13:59.011 (laughs) 345 00:14:00.712 --> 00:14:02.878 This is too much. Um... 346 00:14:02.947 --> 00:14:05.381 Anybody drunk? I'm fuckin' lit, bitch, right up. 347 00:14:05.450 --> 00:14:08.184 (cheering) 348 00:14:08.253 --> 00:14:09.150 (sighs) 349 00:14:09.219 --> 00:14:11.120 But here's the thing. I realized 350 00:14:11.189 --> 00:14:13.588 that I don't want all that shit, right? 351 00:14:13.657 --> 00:14:16.125 I was like, I don't-- I miss going out dancing, 352 00:14:16.194 --> 00:14:19.394 but I don't-- I don't miss these dudes, right? 353 00:14:19.463 --> 00:14:22.197 And I was like, I need to work on myself. 354 00:14:22.266 --> 00:14:24.500 Because the truth is I'm 37, 355 00:14:24.569 --> 00:14:26.134 and I've been single 356 00:14:26.203 --> 00:14:28.704 -all those 37 years. -(laughter) 357 00:14:28.773 --> 00:14:31.073 And during the pandemic, I was like, 358 00:14:31.142 --> 00:14:32.741 "Oh, shit, it's me." 359 00:14:32.810 --> 00:14:34.776 (laughter) 360 00:14:34.845 --> 00:14:36.078 It's me. I'm the problem. And, bitch, 361 00:14:36.147 --> 00:14:39.281 if you're not laughing, girl, it's you. 362 00:14:39.350 --> 00:14:41.617 You need to work on yourself. You need to do some self-reflecting-- 363 00:14:41.686 --> 00:14:44.853 -Don't point at her! -(laughter) 364 00:14:44.922 --> 00:14:46.558 Oh, it's you. (laughs) 365 00:14:47.625 --> 00:14:49.759 And she said, "It's us." 366 00:14:49.828 --> 00:14:51.594 It's her and I. 367 00:14:51.663 --> 00:14:53.396 We, too, are the problem. 368 00:14:53.465 --> 00:14:54.964 (laughter) 369 00:14:55.033 --> 00:14:57.633 That goofy-ass outfit, of course, you're single. Um... 370 00:14:57.702 --> 00:15:00.469 Audience: Oh! 371 00:15:00.538 --> 00:15:03.175 (applause) 372 00:15:04.809 --> 00:15:07.609 Me deflecting your kisses. Ah! Ah! 373 00:15:07.678 --> 00:15:09.912 Uh, and I realized I need to work on myself, right? 374 00:15:09.981 --> 00:15:12.280 I was like, bitch, it's time to grow up, right? 375 00:15:12.349 --> 00:15:14.883 And then I started thinking about shit, how I am. 376 00:15:14.952 --> 00:15:17.319 I had an epiphany when I was watching 377 00:15:17.388 --> 00:15:19.120 "Beauty and the Beast" with my niece. 378 00:15:19.189 --> 00:15:20.621 Okay, it's her favorite movie. 379 00:15:20.690 --> 00:15:23.025 Of course, I grew up in the '90s, right? I love that movie. 380 00:15:23.094 --> 00:15:26.327 So we're watching it, and we get to that scene where, 381 00:15:26.396 --> 00:15:28.363 you know, Belle has that realization, 382 00:15:28.432 --> 00:15:30.665 and the snowball fight scene, you know what I'm talking about? 383 00:15:30.734 --> 00:15:33.068 Where she starts, like, looking at him different. 384 00:15:33.137 --> 00:15:34.937 (scattered laughter) 385 00:15:35.006 --> 00:15:36.171 She starts realizing shit, 386 00:15:36.240 --> 00:15:39.509 I was like, I start realizing shit, you know? 387 00:15:39.578 --> 00:15:42.614 -I mean... -(laughter) 388 00:15:43.581 --> 00:15:45.881 I'm coarse. 389 00:15:45.950 --> 00:15:47.750 I'm unrefined. I'm the Beast! 390 00:15:47.819 --> 00:15:50.055 -No! -(laughter) 391 00:15:51.221 --> 00:15:53.154 And I was like, let me chill out. 392 00:15:53.223 --> 00:15:55.490 We kept watching the movie, right? 393 00:15:55.559 --> 00:15:57.058 As we watched the movie, I was like, oh! 394 00:15:57.127 --> 00:16:00.128 -I, too, slurp my oatmeal. -(laughter) 395 00:16:00.197 --> 00:16:03.598 I also look good in a-- in a blue suit. 396 00:16:03.667 --> 00:16:05.700 I'm the Beast, right? So I accepted that. I was like, 397 00:16:05.769 --> 00:16:07.698 that's who I am. I'm the Beast. The next time I fucked a dude, 398 00:16:07.767 --> 00:16:09.939 I was like, "Yeah, kill the Beast!" 399 00:16:10.008 --> 00:16:13.108 Psht! Kill the Beast. Psht! Be my guest. 400 00:16:13.177 --> 00:16:16.412 Psht! Put this pussy. Psht! To the test. 401 00:16:16.481 --> 00:16:17.549 Psht! Okay. 402 00:16:18.744 --> 00:16:21.249 -(laughter continues) -(laughs) 403 00:16:21.318 --> 00:16:23.553 That was for all the Disney heads, you know what I'm sayin'? 404 00:16:23.622 --> 00:16:25.190 (humming) Okay. 405 00:16:26.523 --> 00:16:28.423 So, I was like, I gotta work on myself. 406 00:16:28.492 --> 00:16:30.825 And it's hard because, you know, I-- 407 00:16:30.894 --> 00:16:35.063 You know, I have, obviously, a great sense of humor, right? 408 00:16:35.132 --> 00:16:36.264 And men, on the dating profiles, 409 00:16:36.333 --> 00:16:37.565 they always say they want a woman 410 00:16:37.634 --> 00:16:39.400 with a good sense of humor. They always say that. 411 00:16:39.469 --> 00:16:41.136 "I want a woman--" But they don't! 412 00:16:41.205 --> 00:16:42.971 Because when men say they want a woman 413 00:16:43.040 --> 00:16:44.372 with a good sense of humor, what they mean 414 00:16:44.441 --> 00:16:46.207 is they want a chick whose boobs bounce 415 00:16:46.276 --> 00:16:48.478 when she laughs at his jokes. 416 00:16:48.547 --> 00:16:50.245 (laughter, applause) 417 00:16:50.314 --> 00:16:52.514 You see how the men aren't clapping? 418 00:16:52.583 --> 00:16:54.716 The women are clapping but the men aren't, okay? 419 00:16:54.785 --> 00:16:57.553 Because that's true. They're like, "What? No, come on." 420 00:16:57.622 --> 00:17:00.389 (laughter) 421 00:17:00.458 --> 00:17:02.524 So I was trying to watch-- I've been trying to watch myself. 422 00:17:02.593 --> 00:17:05.556 I was looking at the last dude that I was, I was talking to. 423 00:17:05.625 --> 00:17:07.462 I was like, what happened? 424 00:17:07.531 --> 00:17:09.634 And then, I looked at our old text messages. 425 00:17:11.202 --> 00:17:14.439 This dude goes, "Marcella, you have a beautiful face." 426 00:17:15.907 --> 00:17:17.472 And my response was, 427 00:17:17.541 --> 00:17:19.908 "I look like my dad. Are you gay?" 428 00:17:19.977 --> 00:17:22.143 (laughter) 429 00:17:22.212 --> 00:17:24.580 No wonder it didn't work out. 430 00:17:24.649 --> 00:17:26.949 Gee whiz, right? 431 00:17:27.018 --> 00:17:28.383 So, I've been working on myself, right? 432 00:17:28.452 --> 00:17:30.189 I'm trying to watch my mouth a little bit. 433 00:17:31.789 --> 00:17:32.855 I'm dating a short guy right now 434 00:17:32.924 --> 00:17:34.423 because I don't have a choice, right? 435 00:17:34.492 --> 00:17:35.523 (laughter) 436 00:17:35.592 --> 00:17:38.493 He's always asking me for piggyback rides. 437 00:17:38.562 --> 00:17:41.700 Every time he hugs me, it looks like a koala bear on a tree. 438 00:17:43.233 --> 00:17:45.433 It's all good. I like how you guys are like, 439 00:17:45.502 --> 00:17:48.536 -"Come on, give him a chance." -(laughter) 440 00:17:48.605 --> 00:17:50.072 I did give him a chance. It's going on for a-- 441 00:17:50.141 --> 00:17:51.506 It's been going on for a minute now, 442 00:17:51.575 --> 00:17:54.877 -and we are in love, okay? Yes! -(cheering) 443 00:17:54.946 --> 00:17:56.778 I am in love! 444 00:17:56.847 --> 00:17:59.514 For the first time in my life-- No, wait, let me correct that. 445 00:17:59.583 --> 00:18:02.752 This is the first time in my life someone loves me back. 446 00:18:02.821 --> 00:18:04.586 Audience: Aw... 447 00:18:04.655 --> 00:18:07.655 You see, the girls are like, "Ooh, I feel that." 448 00:18:07.724 --> 00:18:10.162 You felt that right here, bitch, huh? 449 00:18:10.895 --> 00:18:13.361 (laughs) 450 00:18:13.430 --> 00:18:15.898 And it's been great. I'm-- I am enjoying it, but I-- 451 00:18:15.967 --> 00:18:17.466 So I'm trying to like watch my mouth. 452 00:18:17.535 --> 00:18:19.902 Not-- You know, not when it counts, but you know what I mean? 453 00:18:19.971 --> 00:18:21.336 (laughter) 454 00:18:21.405 --> 00:18:23.138 Like trying to watch what I say out of my mouth, 455 00:18:23.207 --> 00:18:24.707 now what goes into it, right? 456 00:18:24.776 --> 00:18:26.374 (laughter) 457 00:18:26.443 --> 00:18:28.911 And so, and the first time we had sex, 458 00:18:28.980 --> 00:18:30.713 I was trying to be mindful, 459 00:18:30.782 --> 00:18:32.384 and I took off my shirt. 460 00:18:33.050 --> 00:18:34.378 And he-- 461 00:18:34.447 --> 00:18:36.652 (laughter) 462 00:18:36.721 --> 00:18:39.154 Bitch, I-- Was that you? 463 00:18:39.223 --> 00:18:41.824 She went, "Okay." 464 00:18:41.893 --> 00:18:43.659 -She taking notes! -(laughter) 465 00:18:43.728 --> 00:18:44.988 She's like, "Okay." 466 00:18:45.057 --> 00:18:47.630 Are you a bitch, too? Is that the problem? 467 00:18:47.699 --> 00:18:49.031 Are you trying to work on yourself 468 00:18:49.100 --> 00:18:50.369 because you're a bitch, too? 469 00:18:51.702 --> 00:18:54.303 -You're fucking sliding into your chair. -(laughter) 470 00:18:54.372 --> 00:18:56.066 What happened? Let's talk about it. 471 00:18:56.135 --> 00:18:57.901 What's wrong with you, girl? No, just kidding. 472 00:18:57.970 --> 00:18:59.642 You're a bitch. That's what it is. Okay. 473 00:18:59.711 --> 00:19:01.476 (laughter) 474 00:19:01.545 --> 00:19:03.845 So, the first time we're having sex, I take off my shirt, 475 00:19:03.914 --> 00:19:08.050 and he was like, "Marcella, you have incredible breasts." 476 00:19:08.119 --> 00:19:10.753 -It took all of me... -(quiet laughter) 477 00:19:10.822 --> 00:19:12.353 not to say... 478 00:19:12.422 --> 00:19:14.722 -"You, too." -(loud laughter) 479 00:19:14.791 --> 00:19:18.230 -He doesn't need to hear that shit! -(applause) 480 00:19:18.796 --> 00:19:20.399 He knows. 481 00:19:22.400 --> 00:19:26.101 So, I'm trying to watch my mouth with this dude. He's great. 482 00:19:26.170 --> 00:19:29.471 Yeah, he's great. I love him. We're a very progressive couple. 483 00:19:29.540 --> 00:19:32.908 Yeah, he's pansexual, and I am also a hoe. Um... 484 00:19:32.977 --> 00:19:35.543 (laughter, applause) 485 00:19:35.612 --> 00:19:37.416 -Audience member: Woo! -(laughs) 486 00:19:38.750 --> 00:19:40.181 That's funny you wooed at that, sir, 487 00:19:40.250 --> 00:19:41.250 because I've been watching you, 488 00:19:41.319 --> 00:19:43.384 and you've been hesitating to laugh. 489 00:19:43.453 --> 00:19:45.086 And then you wooed that pansexual shit 490 00:19:45.155 --> 00:19:48.423 -because you love to suck a dick and eat a pussy! -(cheering) 491 00:19:48.492 --> 00:19:52.695 And! And eat a pussy! I love it! 492 00:19:52.764 --> 00:19:55.531 (imitates airhorn) Shout out to you. 493 00:19:55.600 --> 00:19:56.731 (applause) 494 00:19:56.800 --> 00:19:59.404 Suck a dick and eat a pussy. I love it. Okay! 495 00:20:00.871 --> 00:20:02.407 Reset! Okay. 496 00:20:03.775 --> 00:20:05.810 (sighs, laughs) 497 00:20:06.945 --> 00:20:08.944 (cheering, applause) 498 00:20:09.013 --> 00:20:11.984 No! No excessive clapping. I don't have time for it. 499 00:20:13.084 --> 00:20:15.883 I gotta focus. 500 00:20:15.952 --> 00:20:18.420 That's your laugh? That's a good-- Uh! I just-- I'm too-- 501 00:20:18.489 --> 00:20:20.956 I have too much ADHD. When I hear shit, I'm like... 502 00:20:21.025 --> 00:20:22.157 (growls) 503 00:20:22.226 --> 00:20:23.458 Come watch me live another time 504 00:20:23.527 --> 00:20:25.894 so I can make fun of your laugh! Okay. 505 00:20:25.963 --> 00:20:28.663 Focus. Focus. Let me get back on track. Okay. 506 00:20:28.732 --> 00:20:31.834 Okay, so we've been going for a few months now. 507 00:20:31.903 --> 00:20:33.869 Eight-- Eight months, something like that. 508 00:20:33.938 --> 00:20:35.437 But, like three months into it, 509 00:20:35.506 --> 00:20:37.305 I told my homegirl-- You know, I was all excited. 510 00:20:37.374 --> 00:20:39.641 I was telling my closest homegirls about it, 511 00:20:39.710 --> 00:20:42.443 and one of my homegirls who's known me for a long time, she was like, 512 00:20:42.512 --> 00:20:44.279 "Marcella, you need move in with him!" 513 00:20:44.348 --> 00:20:46.648 And I was like, "Whoa! 514 00:20:46.717 --> 00:20:48.083 Relax." 515 00:20:48.152 --> 00:20:50.352 You know, like, I'm trying to go slow. 516 00:20:50.421 --> 00:20:51.653 And she was like, "Marcella, 517 00:20:51.722 --> 00:20:53.555 "I just know you've dealt with so many fuck-boys, 518 00:20:53.624 --> 00:20:55.391 and you're not getting any younger." And I was like, 519 00:20:55.460 --> 00:20:57.025 "Okay, relax again." 520 00:20:57.094 --> 00:20:58.627 (laughter) 521 00:20:58.696 --> 00:20:59.990 -I'm not... -Member: Going too far. 522 00:21:00.059 --> 00:21:03.165 -Yeah, going too far! -(laughter) 523 00:21:03.234 --> 00:21:04.366 And I just went, "You know what, girl? 524 00:21:04.435 --> 00:21:06.634 I'm just not trying to ruin things, right?" 525 00:21:06.703 --> 00:21:08.164 And she goes, "Don't worry, Marcella. 526 00:21:08.233 --> 00:21:11.206 It'll get ruined because everything gets ruined." 527 00:21:11.275 --> 00:21:12.907 (groaning laughter) 528 00:21:12.976 --> 00:21:15.978 I was like, "Damn, you're single? Who would've guessed?" 529 00:21:16.047 --> 00:21:17.312 (laughter) 530 00:21:17.381 --> 00:21:19.048 Who the fuck says that shit, right? I was like, 531 00:21:19.117 --> 00:21:20.916 "You know what? I got somebody I want you to meet." 532 00:21:20.985 --> 00:21:21.984 She was like, "Really? Who?" 533 00:21:22.053 --> 00:21:23.985 I was like, "My therapist, you fuckin' bitch." 534 00:21:24.054 --> 00:21:25.187 Who-- 535 00:21:25.256 --> 00:21:27.856 Who says that to someone who's newly in love? 536 00:21:27.925 --> 00:21:30.493 (applause) 537 00:21:30.562 --> 00:21:31.627 But it's hard, right? 538 00:21:31.696 --> 00:21:33.562 To try to change and to focus on it 539 00:21:33.631 --> 00:21:36.331 because then you also start to internalize your fuck-ups. 540 00:21:36.400 --> 00:21:38.633 Right? You feel terrible. 541 00:21:38.702 --> 00:21:41.936 I once was going to my homegirl's house. 542 00:21:42.005 --> 00:21:43.972 I shouldn't say homegirl 'cause we're not super good friends. 543 00:21:44.041 --> 00:21:46.508 My friend Teresa, she's a beautiful Asian girl, 544 00:21:46.577 --> 00:21:49.410 right? And, like, we've kicked it before, 545 00:21:49.479 --> 00:21:52.614 so I know what she looks like. 546 00:21:52.683 --> 00:21:55.385 But then, I'm walking up to her house, 547 00:21:55.454 --> 00:21:58.153 and I see her, 548 00:21:58.222 --> 00:22:01.456 and I'm about to be like, "Hey, girl! What's up?" Right? 549 00:22:01.525 --> 00:22:04.793 And I'm right here. I'm right at, "He..." 550 00:22:04.862 --> 00:22:06.028 (laughter) 551 00:22:06.097 --> 00:22:07.662 I'm like... (squeaks) 552 00:22:07.731 --> 00:22:11.633 And I realize that she's not looking at me 553 00:22:11.702 --> 00:22:14.370 with the same familiar eyes... 554 00:22:14.439 --> 00:22:16.404 that I'm looking at her. 555 00:22:16.473 --> 00:22:19.308 And I was like, "He-- Oh... 556 00:22:19.377 --> 00:22:22.677 -"I'm a racist. Oh, my God." -(laughter) 557 00:22:22.746 --> 00:22:25.681 "I think all Asians look alike. Sandra Oh no." 558 00:22:25.750 --> 00:22:27.582 (laughter) 559 00:22:27.651 --> 00:22:30.152 "I'm a racist. Oh, my-- I think all Asians look like this-- 560 00:22:30.221 --> 00:22:31.954 Oh my-- This is terrible." 561 00:22:32.023 --> 00:22:33.689 I'm str-- I have all these intrusive thoughts, 562 00:22:33.758 --> 00:22:35.891 and as I'm having these thoughts, 563 00:22:35.960 --> 00:22:37.325 the girl, she looks at me, she's like, 564 00:22:37.394 --> 00:22:39.260 "Are you Marcella? I'm Teresa's twin sister." 565 00:22:39.329 --> 00:22:41.297 -I was like, twins! -(laughter) 566 00:22:41.366 --> 00:22:45.133 (applause) 567 00:22:45.202 --> 00:22:47.439 That's a racist's worst nightmare! 568 00:22:48.805 --> 00:22:51.043 You gotta let a bitch know when you're twins. 569 00:22:53.444 --> 00:22:56.078 It's hard trying to be a better person. 570 00:22:56.147 --> 00:22:57.813 But here's what I do like. 571 00:22:57.882 --> 00:23:00.315 I do like the music on the radio right now 572 00:23:00.384 --> 00:23:02.852 with all the rap girlies. I love it. 573 00:23:02.921 --> 00:23:06.321 Megan, Cardi, Doja, Saweetie, the City Girls. 574 00:23:06.390 --> 00:23:08.758 I love all of it. Latto, I love all of it. 575 00:23:08.827 --> 00:23:10.691 I'm so happy these girls are on the radio, 576 00:23:10.760 --> 00:23:13.695 and they're-- but they're always rapping about broke dudes 577 00:23:13.764 --> 00:23:16.331 or shitting on broke dudes, right? Cardi had that one song. 578 00:23:16.400 --> 00:23:19.634 -"Broke boys don't deserve no pussy." -Audience: I know that's right! 579 00:23:19.703 --> 00:23:22.833 -Brainwashed. You see these bitches? -(laughter) 580 00:23:22.902 --> 00:23:24.573 Fucking brainwashed. 581 00:23:24.642 --> 00:23:25.874 That shit ain't right. 582 00:23:25.943 --> 00:23:28.743 That's classism, girl! That's elitism! 583 00:23:28.812 --> 00:23:30.578 And here's the fucked-up part. They never tell you 584 00:23:30.647 --> 00:23:33.052 why you shouldn't fuck a broke dude. 585 00:23:34.751 --> 00:23:36.919 Does anybody know why you shouldn't fuck a broke dude? 586 00:23:36.988 --> 00:23:38.987 (indistinct suggestions) 587 00:23:39.056 --> 00:23:41.022 They got the best dick. 588 00:23:41.091 --> 00:23:42.958 (cheers, laughter) 589 00:23:43.027 --> 00:23:44.960 They got the-- Broke dudes got the best dick. 590 00:23:45.029 --> 00:23:47.163 That's facts. I've done the research. 591 00:23:47.232 --> 00:23:50.800 (laughter) 592 00:23:50.869 --> 00:23:52.034 And why do they have the best dick? 593 00:23:52.103 --> 00:23:54.403 Because they've been sleeping all day... 594 00:23:54.472 --> 00:23:55.905 (laughter) 595 00:23:55.974 --> 00:23:59.174 then they fuck the shit out of you! 596 00:23:59.243 --> 00:24:02.578 And your stupid young ass is like, "There was a spark." 597 00:24:02.647 --> 00:24:04.679 -(laughter) -(sighs) 598 00:24:04.748 --> 00:24:07.282 Like, that wasn't a spark, girl. He's just well-rested. 599 00:24:07.351 --> 00:24:09.150 -(laughter) -Right? 600 00:24:09.219 --> 00:24:11.887 "Like, you don't understand. We had romantic shower sex." 601 00:24:11.956 --> 00:24:14.357 Bitch, he needed to take a shower. 602 00:24:14.426 --> 00:24:16.291 (laughter) 603 00:24:16.360 --> 00:24:17.727 "Marcella, you don't understand. 604 00:24:17.796 --> 00:24:18.928 In the morning, he made me coffee." 605 00:24:18.997 --> 00:24:21.864 Girl, he is a 46-year-old barista. 606 00:24:21.933 --> 00:24:23.568 (laughter) 607 00:24:24.169 --> 00:24:25.534 (laughs) 608 00:24:25.603 --> 00:24:27.335 Look, I'm not saying don't fuck them. 609 00:24:27.404 --> 00:24:31.072 Just don't fall for them. That's what I'm saying, right? 610 00:24:31.141 --> 00:24:33.375 'Cause they either fuck you right or they pay all your bills. 611 00:24:33.444 --> 00:24:35.378 -It's never both. -(laughter) 612 00:24:35.447 --> 00:24:37.680 Because if it's both... 613 00:24:37.749 --> 00:24:40.585 -he's cheating on you. -(laughter) 614 00:24:42.652 --> 00:24:44.653 Yeah, but I've been trying to grow up, 615 00:24:44.722 --> 00:24:46.989 get better, be a better person. 616 00:24:47.058 --> 00:24:48.351 And, uh, it's hard. 617 00:24:48.420 --> 00:24:49.958 But I always think about how I was as a kid. 618 00:24:50.027 --> 00:24:51.894 You guys remember the DARE program? 619 00:24:51.963 --> 00:24:53.523 Guys, remember the DARE program? Oh, my God. 620 00:24:53.592 --> 00:24:55.430 I love the DARE program. For those that don't remember, 621 00:24:55.499 --> 00:24:57.332 the DARE program was a program, 622 00:24:57.401 --> 00:25:00.602 an abstinence-- an abstinence-only... 623 00:25:00.671 --> 00:25:04.106 Wait. A drug and alcohol resistance program. 624 00:25:04.175 --> 00:25:06.845 Right? Just taught you to say no. That's all it was. 625 00:25:07.545 --> 00:25:09.878 And I fucking loved it. 626 00:25:09.947 --> 00:25:13.181 I-- When I was a kid, I loved being good. 627 00:25:13.250 --> 00:25:16.384 I love getting straight A's. I loved being a snitch. 628 00:25:16.453 --> 00:25:18.587 -I loved it. -(laughter) 629 00:25:18.656 --> 00:25:21.689 My siblings fuckin' hated me. 630 00:25:21.758 --> 00:25:24.059 I was like, "Listen, I'm not here to make friends." 631 00:25:24.128 --> 00:25:25.094 (laughter) 632 00:25:25.163 --> 00:25:28.000 "They feed me and buy me toys! Come on!" 633 00:25:29.500 --> 00:25:32.200 And I loved the DARE program. It was built for me. I loved it. 634 00:25:32.269 --> 00:25:35.170 And I loved, "Say no to drugs." I loved being good. 635 00:25:35.239 --> 00:25:38.040 And, uh, I actually... 636 00:25:38.109 --> 00:25:39.841 (laughs) I don't know if you remember, 637 00:25:39.910 --> 00:25:42.444 at the end of the DARE program, you wrote an essay 638 00:25:42.513 --> 00:25:45.108 about why you love the DARE program. 639 00:25:45.177 --> 00:25:46.147 Girl, my essay was so good, 640 00:25:46.216 --> 00:25:48.984 I got to read it in front of the whole school. 641 00:25:49.053 --> 00:25:49.952 (laughter) 642 00:25:50.021 --> 00:25:52.888 Yeah. That's how good it was, okay? 643 00:25:52.957 --> 00:25:54.890 I was so proud. My mom was so proud. 644 00:25:54.959 --> 00:25:57.659 My mom was so proud of me, she framed it 645 00:25:57.728 --> 00:26:00.162 and had it hanging by the front door. 646 00:26:00.231 --> 00:26:02.231 Right, but, yeah. Adorable. Yeah. You leave the house, 647 00:26:02.300 --> 00:26:04.567 and it was right there. Every time I left, I was like, 648 00:26:04.636 --> 00:26:05.934 -"Mm..." -(laughter) 649 00:26:06.003 --> 00:26:07.335 And then I think back, I'm like, 650 00:26:07.404 --> 00:26:08.704 no wonder my siblings hated me. 651 00:26:08.773 --> 00:26:10.205 You know, like, how annoying. 652 00:26:10.274 --> 00:26:11.841 But whatever, you know? 653 00:26:11.910 --> 00:26:14.276 I was proud of myself. I loved it. 654 00:26:14.345 --> 00:26:15.915 And then, I grew up. 655 00:26:17.381 --> 00:26:20.710 I started drinking at 21, which is good. That's good. 656 00:26:20.779 --> 00:26:23.646 -I started smoking weed around 24, right? -(lone laugh) 657 00:26:23.715 --> 00:26:26.189 And-- I don't like the way you laughed at that, ma'am. 658 00:26:26.258 --> 00:26:28.424 (laughter) 659 00:26:28.493 --> 00:26:30.125 Damn... Your laughter, 660 00:26:30.194 --> 00:26:32.160 you just called me a virgin with that laughter. 661 00:26:32.229 --> 00:26:33.765 I don't like that. 662 00:26:34.599 --> 00:26:36.498 And so, 663 00:26:36.567 --> 00:26:38.100 uh, the first time I got high, 664 00:26:38.169 --> 00:26:41.103 I went back to my mother's house, my parents' house, 665 00:26:41.172 --> 00:26:42.938 and I was high as shit, 666 00:26:43.007 --> 00:26:44.439 and I was trying to hide it. 667 00:26:44.508 --> 00:26:46.774 Like, looking down and shit, you know. 668 00:26:46.843 --> 00:26:49.044 And parents, they-- if there's parents of kids here, 669 00:26:49.113 --> 00:26:51.213 you know. You know when something is up with your kid. 670 00:26:51.282 --> 00:26:54.249 You know when they're happy, sad, when something's up, 671 00:26:54.318 --> 00:26:55.317 when something's bothering them, 672 00:26:55.386 --> 00:26:57.385 when they wanna talk about something, you know. 673 00:26:57.454 --> 00:27:00.889 So, my mom knew since I walked in that something was up, right? 674 00:27:00.958 --> 00:27:03.091 But she-- but I was looking all, you know, I was, like, 675 00:27:03.160 --> 00:27:04.993 not trying to look at her. And she-- she's 5'8", 676 00:27:05.062 --> 00:27:06.762 so she was trying to get up under me. She's like, 677 00:27:06.831 --> 00:27:08.833 -qué te pasa , Marcella? -(laughter) 678 00:27:10.168 --> 00:27:12.400 Qué te pasa, Marcella? Qué te pasa? 679 00:27:12.469 --> 00:27:14.970 Ey, Marcella, qué te pasa? 680 00:27:15.039 --> 00:27:16.472 Marcella, qué te pasa, Marcella? 681 00:27:16.541 --> 00:27:18.106 (clicking tongue) 682 00:27:18.175 --> 00:27:19.575 (laughter) 683 00:27:19.644 --> 00:27:20.913 Qué te pasa? 684 00:27:22.714 --> 00:27:23.979 And I don't lie. I've never lied. 685 00:27:24.048 --> 00:27:26.682 I've always been a good kid, so I don't lie. 686 00:27:26.751 --> 00:27:29.188 So, on her sixth qué te pasa, 687 00:27:30.421 --> 00:27:32.120 I told my mother, 688 00:27:32.189 --> 00:27:34.990 -"I am high on marijuana!" -(laughter) 689 00:27:35.059 --> 00:27:38.297 That's how I said it. "I am high on marijuana." 690 00:27:40.164 --> 00:27:43.198 And she was upset. Yeah. And-and-- 691 00:27:43.267 --> 00:27:45.600 You know, she got me in trouble. I went to my room. 692 00:27:45.669 --> 00:27:47.002 And in the morning, when I got up, 693 00:27:47.071 --> 00:27:49.304 I was too ashamed to, like, go-- like, go say good morning. 694 00:27:49.373 --> 00:27:50.873 None of that shit. I didn't do none of that. 695 00:27:50.942 --> 00:27:52.407 I just, like, snuck out of the house, 696 00:27:52.476 --> 00:27:54.877 and as I was sneaking out of the house to get breakfast, 697 00:27:54.946 --> 00:27:57.680 I noticed that the essay... 698 00:27:57.749 --> 00:27:59.682 Audience: Aw... 699 00:27:59.751 --> 00:28:01.987 ...was taken down. It was gone. 700 00:28:03.421 --> 00:28:06.354 You know, Latinos, we don't, like, talk about our problems 701 00:28:06.423 --> 00:28:07.723 or what's bothering us. 702 00:28:07.792 --> 00:28:10.125 So I had never mentioned it. 703 00:28:10.194 --> 00:28:12.428 I was like, "She-- she not wrong." 704 00:28:12.497 --> 00:28:14.166 (laughter) 705 00:28:15.467 --> 00:28:18.166 And then, a month ago, 706 00:28:18.235 --> 00:28:20.836 I heard her moving something, like, in the back, 707 00:28:20.905 --> 00:28:23.205 and I hear something fall and break. 708 00:28:23.274 --> 00:28:25.468 Like, something crashes. 709 00:28:25.537 --> 00:28:27.479 And I just hear, "Oh, sorry, Marcella." 710 00:28:28.613 --> 00:28:29.879 And I was like, what? 711 00:28:29.948 --> 00:28:31.880 And it was the DARE essay. 712 00:28:31.949 --> 00:28:33.315 She had saved it. 713 00:28:33.384 --> 00:28:35.451 So I brought it here to read to you guys. 714 00:28:35.520 --> 00:28:37.820 (applause) 715 00:28:37.889 --> 00:28:40.389 So... Look at that. 716 00:28:40.458 --> 00:28:43.195 (cheering) 717 00:28:44.829 --> 00:28:46.862 The stationery. This is the original. 718 00:28:46.931 --> 00:28:49.431 The cardstock. It's legit. 719 00:28:49.500 --> 00:28:51.427 Okay. 720 00:28:51.496 --> 00:28:53.669 "I promise to say no to drugs..." 721 00:28:53.738 --> 00:28:54.837 (laughter) 722 00:28:54.906 --> 00:28:57.406 "because of the everyday things I wanna do. 723 00:28:57.475 --> 00:28:59.442 Breathe and stay alive." 724 00:28:59.511 --> 00:29:01.043 (laughter) 725 00:29:01.112 --> 00:29:04.213 "Drugs are something I will never do. 726 00:29:04.282 --> 00:29:07.616 "Drugs aren't just flashy things. They are deadly things. 727 00:29:07.685 --> 00:29:09.051 "If you think drugs are cool 728 00:29:09.120 --> 00:29:11.687 "because famous people like models and TV stars use them, 729 00:29:11.756 --> 00:29:13.449 you think wrong." All capital. 730 00:29:13.518 --> 00:29:15.691 -"You think wrong." -(laughter) 731 00:29:15.760 --> 00:29:18.560 "I promise again to say no to drugs. 732 00:29:18.629 --> 00:29:20.029 "The only way I can keep my promise 733 00:29:20.098 --> 00:29:22.131 "is to pick good friends, people I trust, 734 00:29:22.200 --> 00:29:24.132 "and great adults that I can depend on. 735 00:29:24.201 --> 00:29:25.834 "If I didn't have all those people, 736 00:29:25.903 --> 00:29:27.703 who knows where I'd be right now?" 737 00:29:27.772 --> 00:29:29.305 I'm 10. 738 00:29:29.374 --> 00:29:31.572 (laughter) 739 00:29:31.641 --> 00:29:34.877 "The promise is very important to keep because of cancer, 740 00:29:34.946 --> 00:29:36.712 -AIDS..." -(audience groaning) 741 00:29:36.781 --> 00:29:39.515 It was the '90s. "Cancer, AIDS, 742 00:29:39.584 --> 00:29:41.016 "and a lot of deadly things. 743 00:29:41.085 --> 00:29:43.919 "If everyone knew about this and cared about themselves, 744 00:29:43.988 --> 00:29:46.755 "no one would be buying drugs today. 745 00:29:46.824 --> 00:29:48.523 "My goals are never, ever to use drugs, 746 00:29:48.592 --> 00:29:50.826 but that will be hard because all of the pressure." 747 00:29:50.895 --> 00:29:52.160 (laughter) 748 00:29:52.229 --> 00:29:53.863 "My other goals are to become a teacher 749 00:29:53.932 --> 00:29:56.226 and to have a lovely drug-free family." 750 00:29:56.295 --> 00:29:57.660 Audience: Aw... 751 00:29:57.729 --> 00:29:59.534 "The most fun thing I did in DARE was acting 752 00:29:59.603 --> 00:30:01.871 "and learning all about drugs. Marcella Arguello, 753 00:30:01.940 --> 00:30:04.439 Cypress School, May 18, 1995." 754 00:30:04.508 --> 00:30:07.476 -(cheering) -Thank you. 755 00:30:07.545 --> 00:30:10.406 (applause) 756 00:30:10.475 --> 00:30:12.384 So I wrote a little response. 757 00:30:13.450 --> 00:30:16.417 -"You dumb little bitch." -(laughter) 758 00:30:16.486 --> 00:30:20.388 "You broke your promise and your mother's heart. 759 00:30:20.457 --> 00:30:22.291 "First of all, you really should take a break 760 00:30:22.360 --> 00:30:25.593 "from playing with your Barbies and eating pupusas and realize 761 00:30:25.662 --> 00:30:28.163 "that being an adult is not easy. 762 00:30:28.232 --> 00:30:30.265 "One day, you will grow up to love drugs 763 00:30:30.334 --> 00:30:32.468 because guess what? Drugs are great." 764 00:30:32.537 --> 00:30:34.470 (laughter) 765 00:30:34.539 --> 00:30:36.171 "And life is hard. 766 00:30:36.240 --> 00:30:37.606 "Drugs can get you through the day 767 00:30:37.675 --> 00:30:39.775 or help you sleep at night, and they even clear your skin." 768 00:30:39.844 --> 00:30:41.877 -That's true. -(laughter) 769 00:30:41.946 --> 00:30:44.312 "You said you would keep your drug-free promise 770 00:30:44.381 --> 00:30:46.248 "by picking good friends, people you trust, 771 00:30:46.317 --> 00:30:47.782 "and great adults that you can depend on. 772 00:30:47.851 --> 00:30:50.152 "And I want you to know that some of the best 773 00:30:50.221 --> 00:30:53.455 "and only people you should do drugs with are good friends, 774 00:30:53.524 --> 00:30:56.892 people you trust, and great adults that you can depend on." 775 00:30:56.961 --> 00:31:00.199 (applause, cheering) 776 00:31:02.633 --> 00:31:05.000 "Additionally, the DARE program will end very soon 777 00:31:05.069 --> 00:31:07.170 because it's tremendously ineffective." 778 00:31:07.239 --> 00:31:08.270 (laughter) 779 00:31:08.339 --> 00:31:11.473 "In fact, it will become an anti-bullying program, 780 00:31:11.542 --> 00:31:15.177 "which you could use. 781 00:31:15.246 --> 00:31:17.078 "You know, some of those gay kids are gonna grow up 782 00:31:17.147 --> 00:31:19.882 to be your best friend, you homophobic twat." 783 00:31:19.951 --> 00:31:20.949 (laughter) 784 00:31:21.018 --> 00:31:23.318 Again, it was the '90s, okay? 785 00:31:23.387 --> 00:31:25.888 "Look, in 'Parable of the Sower,' Octavia Butler writes, 786 00:31:25.957 --> 00:31:27.455 "'The only lasting truth is change.' 787 00:31:27.524 --> 00:31:29.690 "So, little me, it's time to start changing 788 00:31:29.759 --> 00:31:32.427 "because the sooner you focus your energy on taking down 789 00:31:32.496 --> 00:31:34.296 "oppressive institutional power structures 790 00:31:34.365 --> 00:31:35.965 "that brainwash you into thinking 791 00:31:36.034 --> 00:31:37.900 "you're morally superior than other people, 792 00:31:37.969 --> 00:31:40.569 the better off you'll be. Yours forever, You." 793 00:31:40.638 --> 00:31:43.033 (cheering) 794 00:31:43.102 --> 00:31:45.474 My name is Marcella Arguello, you guys. Thank you so much. 795 00:31:45.543 --> 00:31:46.709 Have a good night! 796 00:31:46.778 --> 00:31:50.015 (applause) 797 00:31:54.952 --> 00:31:58.190 (cheering, applause continue)