WEBVTT FILE

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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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-[piano practicing tune]
-[indistinct conversations]

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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This is a special, special place.

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[chill music playing]

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This stage is the launchpad of a career.

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This is where I always come
to work on material before I tour,

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before I go anywhere.

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That was the stage
that meant everything to me.

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That was like the altar of comedy for me.

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[chill music continues]

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I did one joke on that stage,
and it blew up my career.

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I was terrified of this place.

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Every single time I would get on stage,
I would die a thousand deaths.

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I was super nervous.
I was shaking in my boots.

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But the good news is
I didn't even get to go up.

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I got bumped!

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[chill music continues]

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I still don't have a poster on the wall.
Can you guys talk to somebody about that?

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The first time I ever met
someone I knew wanted to murder me,

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I was onstage at The Improv.

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You can describe every standup experience
that you've ever had,

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but we-- we all go back to saying,
"Our first time on The Improv stage…"

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There's no feeling like it.

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[audience cheering and applauding]

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[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Bert Kreischer!

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[audience cheering and applauding]

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[chill music continues]

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[audience cheering wildly]

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Thank you.

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[chill music fades out]

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Thank you.

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[laughing]

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Yep, I know. I'm jacked.

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[audience laughing]

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Uh…

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I'm gonna do something special tonight.

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I am going to perform the set
that got me past here 22 years ago.

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[audience cheering]

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Well-- [laughs]

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You're clapping before
you know what I'm about to say.

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As you may guess,
some of these jokes have not aged well.

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-[Bert laughing hysterically]
-[audience laughing]

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I sat right there. I stood right there.

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I was wearing flip-flops.
I'm from Florida, that explains a lot.

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[audience laughing]

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And Budd Friedman came up to me,

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and he said,
"Mr. Kreischer, I hope you understand

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that we have
a close-toed policy at this club."

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"I expect you're running home
to go change shoes."

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I was fucking freaking out.

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So I raced home,
I changed shoes, and I was shaking.

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And he stood right there
as I performed this set.

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Here we go.

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[audience clapping and cheering]

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[Bert chuckling]

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My name's Bert.

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[audience laughing]

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I know you're thinking,
"Hot, sexy name. Do you do porn?"

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I don't.

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Bert's the last name
you wanna hear during sex.

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Some chick on top of you
in the dark, just… [moaning]

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[in silly voice] "Bert."
[continues moaning, starts laughing]

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I like to fuck around.

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I was in the grocery store
with my wife the other day, and…

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[laughing]
…we were in the produce section,

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and I just yelled out real loud,
I go, "Honey!"

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"This time, get a thin cucumber!"

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[audience tittering]

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This woman walks up, freaking out.
She's like, "Sir, excuse me."

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"That was inappropriate."

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I was like,
"Get your mind out of the gutter, honey."

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"I'm putting it in her ass. Not in mine."

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[audience laughing]

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"We're Christians." Here's the advice…

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[audience laughing]

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…I'll give you if you're thinking about
putting a vegetable in your wife's ass.

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Sir, don't use a cucumber. Use a carrot.

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A cucumber

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is too aggressive.

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The shape of it.

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You ever had a cucumber in your ass?

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[audience laughing]

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It's round and bold.
It's like a home invasion, just…

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[mimics crash] "Everybody down!"

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But a carrot is more like…

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"Hello?"

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"Is anybody home?"

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"I brought muffins."

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All right. Now this is the joke
that is more who I am today, okay?

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Here we go. [chuckles]

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Those two are just, I needed jokes
and I didn't know how to write them,

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but this one… [clicks tongue]

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I grew up in Florida. We used to take acid
and go to Disney World. Uh…

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-[audience cheering]
-Yeah, this is like… this is better. Yeah.

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Uh, me, my buddy Hutch,
and my buddy Harper.

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Now, these guys were fucking idiots, okay?

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So me, Hutch, and Harper
go to our drug dealer named Cheetah.

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Real name, by the way.

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Sidebar to this story, my wife and I
ran into him at an airport one time

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in-- as adults!

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She goes, "You're Cheetah?
You used to sell him drugs!"

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I'm like, "Shut the fuck up."

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And he says, "I got great acid for you.
It's called Purple Jesus."

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And we're like…
And it's a picture of Jesus

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just in purple, on the cross, like…

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So we go to Peter Pan's ride
to Never Neverland.

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Three grown men
in a line for a child's ride.

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The lady sees us
and goes, "Sorry, gentlemen."

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"We don't do threesies
on Peter Pan's ride, just twosies."

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I'm like, "Honey, we're on Purple Jesus."

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She's like, "Sorry, just twosies."

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Hutch leans in and goes,
"How about I eat your face?"

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She's like,
"All right, gentlemen, enjoy the ride."

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Three grown men
on a child's ride meant for children.

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Built for children in the '60s!

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We look like a fat foot in a slipper.

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I'm in the middle.
We go into the darkness, it's pitch black,

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and I hear Hutch go, "Okay, real funny."

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[audience laughing]

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"Real funny. Now give 'em back."

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I go, "What are you talking about?"

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He goes,
"You know what I'm talking about."

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"You took 'em. Now give 'em back."

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I'm like, "I have no fucking idea
what you're talking about."

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He goes, "My feet.
You took 'em, now give 'em back."

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I'm like, "I don't have your feet, buddy."
He's like, "You don't? Fuck!"

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Breaks the child's restraint,
disappears into the fucking ride.

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I look at Harper,
I'm like, "Yo, we just lost Hutch."

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He's like, "They took my shadow too!"

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We go through the ride once, I hop off,

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Harper stays on, goes back into the ride,
and that's when the Disney cops showed up.

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-Now…
-[audience laughing]

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…if you've never been arrested
by the Disney cops,

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it's three dudes in khaki shorts

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who cuff me fairly aggressively,

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put me on the back of their golf cart,

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and then patiently wait.

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Harper comes up.

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They grab him,
cuff him, put him next to me.

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He's elated.
He's like, "I found my shadow!"

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[audience laughing]

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Fifteen minutes later,
Hutch comes running out,

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shirt around his neck like a cape,
both shoes in his hands.

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"I got my feet back!"

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This is the worst part,

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is they parade us through Disneyland

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on the back of a golf cart, handcuffed,
like we're the ride of "Youth Gone Wrong."

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[audience laughing]

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Hutch is yelling out
of the top of his lungs,

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"Fuck Mary Lou Retton!"

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"Fuck Mary Lou Retton!"
I go, "Why are you saying that?"

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He goes,
"Don't know. When I say it, they look."

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Harper's crying. I go,
"What the fuck are you crying about?"

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He's like,
"They're gonna rape me in Disney jail!"

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I was like, "Harper, it's Disney jail.
I think you're fine."

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They raped him.

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[audience laughing]

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We did too. It's prison, you know?

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That's the…
You can't make… Those jokes are…

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It was funny in 19…

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[audience laughing]

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[Bert laughing hysterically]

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Thank God I didn't do my Black joke.
All right, let's do it.

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[audience laughing]

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So, this is… remember, remember,
1999 was a different time! Okay.

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This is a true story.

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[laughing hysterically] So one time,
me and a-- a comedian got on a train

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in Manhattan.

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This is a true story!
I'm sweating right now.

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[audience laughing]

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And we get on…

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The comedian's white.
His name's Dmitri Martin.

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This is a true story!

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He's white. He's very white.
He's Greek. He's like the original white.

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And so…

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we get on a train.
And as we step on a train going Uptown,

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we realize
we are the only white guys on the train.

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There are 70 Black dudes
all on this train.

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And I freeze. I'm like, "Whoa."

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Dmitri's like, "What are you doing?"

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I go,
"We're not going where they're going."

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He goes, "What are you talking about?"

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I go, "They're going somewhere
we're not supposed to be going."

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And he looks at me.
He goes, "You sound racist."

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I go, "Maybe, but I wanna be alive,
so I'm gonna step off."

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And he goes,
"Hey, stop being such a fucking dickhead."

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So we sit down.

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The second we sit down,

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seventy Black dudes
are just silent, staring at us.

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I can feel it.
So I go, "Fuck it. I'm getting off."

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He goes, "Do not get off."

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I go, "Get off with me."
He goes, "No. I'm not a racist."

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"I'm staying on the train."

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I go, "Okay, good luck."

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Train doors open, I get off the train,

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and before it takes off,
I stick my head back in the subway and go,

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"Dmitri! I'll see you at the rally
on Thursday! White power, brother!"

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[audience laughing]

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His eyes lit up, doors closed,
and I hear a Black guy go,

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"Run, Forrest!"

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[audience laughing]

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That was the set.

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-[audience cheering and applauding]
-That was the set.

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I got passed,
and then I got to open for Drew Carey

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every Wednesday night.

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I got done, I walked over there,
and Budd Friedman…

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if you never got to meet him,
he's a very fascinating dude…

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with a glass of champagne and his monocle,
he goes, "Very funny. Very funny."

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And he said, "Wednesday nights,
you'll open for Drew Carey's, uh,

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Whose Line Is It Anyway?"

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And I went, "For real?"

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He goes, "You gotta keep it clean."
I was like,

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"Did you not see what I just did?"

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[audience laughing]

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And he goes, "Can you not work clean?"
And I go, "No, I can work clean."

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And my opening joke for Drew Carey was…

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[laughing silently]

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"I went to a party the other day…"

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Wait, how did it…

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Uh, "And this girl…"

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Oh, I said to the girl. It was--
I won't tell you who it really was.

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I'll tell you after. I can't say it.
I might get in trouble.

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I went to a really high-end
Hollywood party. I'd gone that weekend.

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And I said to the girl,
"Where's your bathroom at?"

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And she goes, "'At'?"

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I said, "Yeah, where's your bathroom at?"

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And she goes, "'At? Where's it at?'"

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And she looked at somebody,
and she goes, "Stay in school, kids."

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And I was like, "Oh."

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And so I went into her bathroom,
and I put her toothbrush on my balls.

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[audience laughing]

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I said, "This is some advice."

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"Ladies, if you ever throw a party,
be nice to everyone that shows up."

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"'Cause all your shit is there,
and I brought my balls." [laughing]

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[audience laughing]

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And Drew Carey loved it,
and Budd loved it.

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This place has been like a home to me.

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Happy birthday, Improv!

240
00:11:32.483 --> 00:11:34.443
Sixty fucking years. Thank you so much.

241
00:11:34.527 --> 00:11:36.570
-[audience cheering and applauding]
-God bless!

242
00:11:36.654 --> 00:11:38.656
[chill music playing]

243
00:11:48.290 --> 00:11:49.125
Thank you!

244
00:11:50.042 --> 00:11:51.210
Thanks, man.

245
00:11:51.293 --> 00:11:53.170
I just came here from New York,

246
00:11:53.254 --> 00:11:57.216
and, uh, my last, uh, my last day
in New York was kinda weird.

247
00:11:57.299 --> 00:11:59.468
I had a cab driver acting peculiar.

248
00:11:59.552 --> 00:12:01.178
We were driving along,
me and a cab driver,

249
00:12:01.262 --> 00:12:02.763
and he killed a dog on the way.

250
00:12:02.847 --> 00:12:05.391
He didn't hit the dog with the car.
He got out and stabbed the dog.

251
00:12:05.474 --> 00:12:07.309
-He…
-[audience laughing]

252
00:12:07.893 --> 00:12:10.146
He, uh, he hacked it apart, and, uh…

253
00:12:11.272 --> 00:12:14.692
The first thing I thought was, "No tip."
Ya know? I'm not gonna tip this guy.

254
00:12:14.775 --> 00:12:16.068
Ya know?

255
00:12:16.152 --> 00:12:18.612
Not 'cause he killed a dog,
'cause 30 cents clicked on the meter

256
00:12:18.696 --> 00:12:20.239
while he was doing it, ya know?

257
00:12:20.322 --> 00:12:21.907
I don't got that kind of bread right now.

258
00:12:21.991 --> 00:12:24.118
Don't have that kind of money.
You know, not yet.

259
00:12:24.618 --> 00:12:27.705
Girls, I don't like…
Good-looking girls kind of intimidate me.

260
00:12:27.788 --> 00:12:28.873
Get nervous talking to them.

261
00:12:28.956 --> 00:12:31.417
I saw this cute girl on the street today
with my friend. I said,

262
00:12:31.500 --> 00:12:33.586
"Wish I could ask her out,
but don't know what to say."

263
00:12:33.669 --> 00:12:36.005
My friend said, "Ask her out.
The worst she could say is no."

264
00:12:36.088 --> 00:12:39.008
So I asked her out, and she said,
"Get away from me, you loser."

265
00:12:39.091 --> 00:12:41.260
[audience laughing]

266
00:12:41.343 --> 00:12:44.054
I was like, "I think you
broke the rules there, hon."

267
00:12:44.138 --> 00:12:46.348
-[audience laughing]
-Yeah. "Loser."

268
00:12:46.432 --> 00:12:47.933
[chill music playing]

269
00:12:52.229 --> 00:12:55.483
[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Deon Cole!

270
00:12:55.566 --> 00:12:59.153
[audience cheering and applauding]

271
00:13:09.371 --> 00:13:10.206
Thank you.

272
00:13:12.208 --> 00:13:16.253
Uh, the only issue is
I only wrote Black material.

273
00:13:16.337 --> 00:13:18.339
[audience laughing]

274
00:13:19.340 --> 00:13:22.593
Didn't… Didn't know
all you guys were coming out tonight.

275
00:13:22.676 --> 00:13:24.345
[audience laughing]

276
00:13:29.266 --> 00:13:32.144
They said this was
Chocolate Improv Night tonight.

277
00:13:34.438 --> 00:13:38.025
It's all I got, so, uh,
yeah, just sit there and take that shit.

278
00:13:38.108 --> 00:13:40.110
[audience laughing]

279
00:13:40.903 --> 00:13:43.906
So I was eating dinner
with these white devils last week…

280
00:13:43.989 --> 00:13:45.991
[audience laughing]

281
00:13:48.494 --> 00:13:50.454
Whatever happened to the albinos?

282
00:13:50.955 --> 00:13:53.415
[audience laughing]

283
00:13:55.793 --> 00:13:58.170
-I don't see them no more.
-[audience laughing]

284
00:13:58.254 --> 00:14:00.214
I used to see one like every six months,

285
00:14:00.297 --> 00:14:01.715
but I don't see them no more.

286
00:14:04.593 --> 00:14:07.054
Man, I used to look forward
to seeing them.

287
00:14:08.222 --> 00:14:10.432
Every time I saw one, I'd make a wish.

288
00:14:10.516 --> 00:14:12.059
[audience laughing]

289
00:14:13.102 --> 00:14:15.813
This white guy told me
I need to start eating free-range chicken.

290
00:14:15.896 --> 00:14:16.939
I was like, "What's that?"

291
00:14:17.022 --> 00:14:19.400
He was all, "Oh, it's these
comfortable, care-free chickens,

292
00:14:19.483 --> 00:14:22.903
and they roam around freely,
and they die in a humane way."

293
00:14:22.987 --> 00:14:24.446
"You're gonna love them."

294
00:14:24.530 --> 00:14:27.992
I went and priced them motherfuckers.
Them bitches expensive as shit.

295
00:14:28.909 --> 00:14:32.079
I was like, "Nah, I'm gonna keep eating
these overwhelmed chickens."

296
00:14:32.162 --> 00:14:33.956
[audience laughing]

297
00:14:34.874 --> 00:14:36.876
These stressed-out, anxiety chickens.

298
00:14:38.961 --> 00:14:41.297
Y'all be out in public
with your wife, husband,

299
00:14:41.380 --> 00:14:42.756
boyfriend, girlfriend,

300
00:14:42.840 --> 00:14:45.134
you see somebody
sexier than a motherfucker.

301
00:14:45.217 --> 00:14:48.596
You ever think to yourself,
"I should've been patient"?

302
00:14:48.679 --> 00:14:50.180
[audience laughing]

303
00:14:51.098 --> 00:14:53.559
See a lot of y'all
can't laugh at that right now.

304
00:14:53.642 --> 00:14:55.644
[audience laughing]

305
00:14:57.396 --> 00:15:00.566
If you're a tough guy, don't ask
to take a picture with me after the show.

306
00:15:00.649 --> 00:15:03.235
Tough guys never smile in a photo.

307
00:15:04.361 --> 00:15:07.448
I was doing this show one night,
and these guys came up there,

308
00:15:07.531 --> 00:15:09.825
"Hey, motherfucker,
get over here and take a picture."

309
00:15:09.909 --> 00:15:12.536
I'm like, "Calm down.
You're being so aggressive and shit."

310
00:15:12.620 --> 00:15:15.331
I get in the picture.
Everybody in the picture like this.

311
00:15:16.790 --> 00:15:18.292
[audience laughing]

312
00:15:18.375 --> 00:15:20.544
I'm the only motherfucker
in the photo like…

313
00:15:20.628 --> 00:15:21.795
[audience laughing]

314
00:15:24.173 --> 00:15:27.092
They let me see the picture.
I was like, "Fuck."

315
00:15:27.176 --> 00:15:30.012
"Could've told me
y'all wasn't gonna smile in this shit.'

316
00:15:30.512 --> 00:15:33.766
Now it look like
I wanted a picture with y'all.

317
00:15:33.849 --> 00:15:35.851
[audience laughing]

318
00:15:42.149 --> 00:15:44.818
I don't even
know you niggas like that, dude.

319
00:15:45.819 --> 00:15:48.405
You know what
the next best feeling is, next to sex?

320
00:15:48.489 --> 00:15:50.324
Cleaning your ears with a Q-tip.

321
00:15:50.908 --> 00:15:52.910
[audience laughing and applauding]

322
00:15:53.869 --> 00:15:55.204
That's my shit.

323
00:15:55.955 --> 00:15:59.333
You get deep in there,
like… [moaning in pleasure]

324
00:16:01.543 --> 00:16:04.004
Are you supposed to say grace
over leftovers?

325
00:16:04.505 --> 00:16:06.173
[audience laughing]

326
00:16:08.634 --> 00:16:11.220
'Cause I prayed over it
when I first cooked it, and…

327
00:16:11.887 --> 00:16:15.057
I'm not petty like that,
to keep bothering Jesus for no reason.

328
00:16:15.140 --> 00:16:16.517
[audience laughing]

329
00:16:17.434 --> 00:16:19.979
Excuse me, Lord.
It's me with this fish again. Uh…

330
00:16:20.062 --> 00:16:21.063
[audience laughing]

331
00:16:24.358 --> 00:16:26.235
Thank you for that laugh, ma'am.
I appreciate it.

332
00:16:26.318 --> 00:16:28.112
[audience laughing]

333
00:16:28.696 --> 00:16:30.531
I'm glad you're all
laughing at these jokes too,

334
00:16:30.614 --> 00:16:33.075
'cause comedians be hurt
when people don't laugh at their jokes.

335
00:16:33.158 --> 00:16:34.076
It make us sad.

336
00:16:34.159 --> 00:16:36.537
And you can tell
when our jokes don't work too.

337
00:16:36.620 --> 00:16:38.247
It really hurt us and stuff.

338
00:16:38.956 --> 00:16:40.958
And after the show,
if you see two comedians together

339
00:16:41.041 --> 00:16:42.459
and one did good, and one didn't,

340
00:16:42.543 --> 00:16:45.212
speak to both of them,
or don't say shit at all.

341
00:16:45.295 --> 00:16:47.297
[audience laughing]

342
00:16:52.928 --> 00:16:57.891
'Cause that comedian that didn't do good,
he's on a fucking whirlwind of just…

343
00:16:58.559 --> 00:17:00.352
hatin' and hatin' himself.

344
00:17:00.853 --> 00:17:03.272
Riding home, all the way home, no radio.

345
00:17:03.355 --> 00:17:05.357
-Just…
-[audience laughing]

346
00:17:05.858 --> 00:17:08.402
Windshield wipers, no rain. Just…

347
00:17:08.485 --> 00:17:10.320
[audience laughing]

348
00:17:10.404 --> 00:17:12.156
"Where did I go wrong?"

349
00:17:14.616 --> 00:17:16.785
But y'all do that after every show.

350
00:17:16.869 --> 00:17:17.953
Like, look, here--

351
00:17:18.037 --> 00:17:20.247
Here's the comedian that did good.

352
00:17:20.330 --> 00:17:22.332
Here's the comedian that didn't do good.

353
00:17:22.416 --> 00:17:24.126
This is what you all do after every show.

354
00:17:24.209 --> 00:17:25.294
"Excuse me."

355
00:17:25.961 --> 00:17:28.297
"Boy, you was funnier
than a motherfucker tonight."

356
00:17:29.465 --> 00:17:32.468
"Without you,
that whole show sucked dick."

357
00:17:32.551 --> 00:17:36.013
"You should've headlined that shit.
Ah, you was funnier than a motherfucker!"

358
00:17:36.096 --> 00:17:37.848
"Can I get a picture? My man."

359
00:17:38.724 --> 00:17:40.684
"Can you take this picture of us?"

360
00:17:40.768 --> 00:17:42.770
[audience laughing]

361
00:17:47.524 --> 00:17:49.735
You can tell
when a comic joke ain't working.

362
00:17:49.818 --> 00:17:53.197
He'll be like,
"Yeah, shit is crazy out here."

363
00:17:53.280 --> 00:17:54.907
"It's wild and shit, you know."

364
00:17:54.990 --> 00:17:57.701
When you hear that,
that mean a comedian joke don't work.

365
00:17:57.785 --> 00:17:59.620
Black or white, you know?

366
00:17:59.703 --> 00:18:00.621
You hear that.

367
00:18:01.163 --> 00:18:04.583
Or they say, "Give it up for the ladies.
They look so beautiful."

368
00:18:04.666 --> 00:18:06.376
All this bullshit. They just…

369
00:18:07.920 --> 00:18:10.089
They'll say that shit
'cause their jokes ain't workin'.

370
00:18:11.340 --> 00:18:13.759
Make you give it up
for all kind of obvious shit.

371
00:18:15.636 --> 00:18:18.764
"Who woke up this morning?"
Bitch, we all woke up this morning.

372
00:18:19.932 --> 00:18:21.934
Make me waste my claps, motherfucker.

373
00:18:22.017 --> 00:18:23.185
[audience laughing]

374
00:18:25.771 --> 00:18:28.690
You ever see a comedian get to
his punchline, the punchline don't work?

375
00:18:28.774 --> 00:18:31.318
Like, "Told her to knock on the door.
She gonna ring the doorbell."

376
00:18:31.401 --> 00:18:33.278
"I'm like,
'What she ring the doorbell for?'"

377
00:18:33.362 --> 00:18:35.989
[forced laughter]

378
00:18:36.073 --> 00:18:37.241
[chuckles uncomfortably]

379
00:18:37.324 --> 00:18:40.577
"Uh, shit is crazy out here,
that's what…" [voice fades into mumbling]

380
00:18:42.621 --> 00:18:45.666
"Give it up for the ladies."

381
00:18:45.749 --> 00:18:49.044
Happy anniversary, Improv! We love you!

382
00:18:49.128 --> 00:18:51.213
-Yeah!
-[audience cheering and applauding]

383
00:18:51.296 --> 00:18:53.298
[chill music playing]

384
00:18:53.382 --> 00:18:55.384
[announcer]
Let's hear it for Sarah Silverman.

385
00:18:55.467 --> 00:18:56.301
Sarah!

386
00:18:56.385 --> 00:18:58.178
[audience cheering and applauding]

387
00:19:02.850 --> 00:19:05.060
Hey! How ya doin'? Thank you.

388
00:19:06.228 --> 00:19:07.229
Stop.

389
00:19:08.647 --> 00:19:10.649
Thank you very much.
It's really nice to be here.

390
00:19:10.732 --> 00:19:13.569
You know, I was just back East
'cause my sister got married,

391
00:19:13.652 --> 00:19:17.030
and it was really neat. You know,
they took each other's last names.

392
00:19:17.114 --> 00:19:18.615
They hyphenated it, you know?

393
00:19:18.699 --> 00:19:22.286
So now my sister's name
is Susan Silverman-Abramowitz.

394
00:19:22.369 --> 00:19:23.370
[audience chuckling]

395
00:19:23.453 --> 00:19:26.915
Yeah, but they're thinking
of shortening it to just "Jews."

396
00:19:26.999 --> 00:19:29.042
[audience laughing]

397
00:19:29.126 --> 00:19:32.212
Oh, good, the Jews.
They're good people. I like them.

398
00:19:32.296 --> 00:19:33.922
So I was home, and I saw my dad.

399
00:19:34.006 --> 00:19:36.466
I feel really bad, you know,
'cause when I was 14,

400
00:19:36.550 --> 00:19:39.261
I went out with my father's best friend.

401
00:19:39.344 --> 00:19:42.139
And, uh, yeah,
that's embarrassing, you know?

402
00:19:42.222 --> 00:19:45.309
My father having
a 14-year-old best friend.

403
00:19:45.392 --> 00:19:47.394
[audience laughing]

404
00:19:48.228 --> 00:19:49.229
What a loser.

405
00:19:49.313 --> 00:19:51.607
[chill music playing]

406
00:19:54.735 --> 00:19:58.155
[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Fortune Feimster!

407
00:19:58.238 --> 00:20:02.159
[audience cheering and applauding]

408
00:20:05.120 --> 00:20:05.996
Yeah.

409
00:20:09.917 --> 00:20:12.252
What's up, you guys?

410
00:20:13.128 --> 00:20:14.338
Yeah, this is fun.

411
00:20:14.421 --> 00:20:17.341
Listen, I know.
I'm way better-looking in person.

412
00:20:17.424 --> 00:20:18.425
Ahh!

413
00:20:19.176 --> 00:20:20.052
Welcome!

414
00:20:20.135 --> 00:20:23.472
Sixty years of the legendary Improv.

415
00:20:23.555 --> 00:20:25.390
How cool is that, right?

416
00:20:25.474 --> 00:20:26.808
[audience cheering]

417
00:20:26.892 --> 00:20:27.726
Yes!

418
00:20:29.645 --> 00:20:33.398
Best chicken tenders in the biz.

419
00:20:34.066 --> 00:20:36.193
You guys ever had 'em? They're good.

420
00:20:36.276 --> 00:20:37.194
Yeah, you had 'em?

421
00:20:37.277 --> 00:20:40.113
Are you a barbecue or ranch kinda gal?

422
00:20:40.989 --> 00:20:42.658
Anybody can answer.

423
00:20:42.741 --> 00:20:44.576
[audience laughing]

424
00:20:44.660 --> 00:20:45.494
[woman] Ranch!

425
00:20:45.577 --> 00:20:47.204
"Ranch!" [chuckles]

426
00:20:47.287 --> 00:20:49.289
Nobody can just say…
[in dignified accent] "Ranch."

427
00:20:49.373 --> 00:20:50.874
[in hillbilly accent] "Ranch!"

428
00:20:51.375 --> 00:20:53.418
I'm a dressing-on-the-side kinda gal.

429
00:20:53.502 --> 00:20:55.087
No, um… [laughing]

430
00:20:55.671 --> 00:20:58.465
Listen, my accent gets a lot thicker
when I go home.

431
00:20:58.548 --> 00:21:01.301
I, uh, I recently went home
to visit my parents

432
00:21:01.385 --> 00:21:03.845
in my hometown of North Carolina,

433
00:21:03.929 --> 00:21:07.516
and-- Yeah! Shoutout, North Carolina.

434
00:21:08.225 --> 00:21:11.353
Now I don't know about you guys,
but when you go home to your hometown

435
00:21:11.436 --> 00:21:13.355
to hang out with your parents, um,

436
00:21:13.438 --> 00:21:16.566
I know for myself,
I immediately revert into a 15-year-old.

437
00:21:16.650 --> 00:21:17.484
Right away.

438
00:21:18.777 --> 00:21:20.821
I consider myself independent, you know.

439
00:21:20.904 --> 00:21:23.991
I run a business,
I'm married, I travel the world…

440
00:21:24.074 --> 00:21:28.161
But 30 minutes at home,
I cannot function as an adult.

441
00:21:28.245 --> 00:21:30.080
Cannot do this.

442
00:21:30.163 --> 00:21:30.998
For instance,

443
00:21:31.832 --> 00:21:34.876
I could rent a car when I go home, right?

444
00:21:34.960 --> 00:21:36.420
I have a credit card.

445
00:21:37.254 --> 00:21:38.797
I just turned 25.

446
00:21:38.880 --> 00:21:40.841
-No.
-[audience laughing]

447
00:21:40.924 --> 00:21:42.801
You laughed way too hard at that.

448
00:21:43.885 --> 00:21:46.054
But my mom insists
on driving me everywhere,

449
00:21:46.138 --> 00:21:47.973
and, uh, I'm like, "Fine, whatever."

450
00:21:48.056 --> 00:21:49.558
I sit in the back to mess with her.

451
00:21:49.641 --> 00:21:51.601
[audience laughing]

452
00:21:51.685 --> 00:21:56.857
I also have my taste buds
revert back to when I was a teenager.

453
00:21:57.399 --> 00:22:01.445
Um, I immediately just want biscuits.

454
00:22:02.487 --> 00:22:05.157
Those just fried gluten balls, baby.

455
00:22:05.240 --> 00:22:06.408
Give 'em to me.

456
00:22:06.491 --> 00:22:09.578
And my body just instinctively knows,

457
00:22:09.661 --> 00:22:13.248
uh, that breakfast at Hardee's
ends at 10:30.

458
00:22:13.332 --> 00:22:14.750
Like, I just know this.

459
00:22:14.833 --> 00:22:16.126
[audience laughing]

460
00:22:16.209 --> 00:22:19.338
Do you guys know what Hardee's is?
Have you heard of Hardee's?

461
00:22:19.421 --> 00:22:20.380
[audience cheering]

462
00:22:21.131 --> 00:22:23.008
For those of you
who don't know what Hardee's is,

463
00:22:23.091 --> 00:22:25.719
it's a fast-food chain,
it's owned by Carl's Jr.,

464
00:22:25.802 --> 00:22:27.262
uh, very similar vibes,

465
00:22:27.346 --> 00:22:30.932
except Hardee's is known
for their breakfast biscuits.

466
00:22:31.016 --> 00:22:32.142
Very tasty stuff.

467
00:22:32.225 --> 00:22:34.311
Now, I would have to fact-check this…

468
00:22:34.394 --> 00:22:37.022
I think that Hardee's, uh, is called that

469
00:22:37.105 --> 00:22:40.067
because it can clog your heart
and your arteries.

470
00:22:40.150 --> 00:22:42.152
[audience laughing]

471
00:22:43.278 --> 00:22:44.446
Don't quote me.

472
00:22:47.074 --> 00:22:48.909
But I was home, uh, recently,

473
00:22:48.992 --> 00:22:52.412
and I overslept,
uh, 'cause my mom didn't wake me up.

474
00:22:52.496 --> 00:22:54.289
[audience laughing]

475
00:22:54.373 --> 00:22:57.167
And I woke up,
and I went, "I need some biscuits!"

476
00:22:57.751 --> 00:22:59.669
And I looked at my clock,
and it was 10:15.

477
00:22:59.753 --> 00:23:02.798
I was like, "Oh my God.
Oh my God. Breakfast ends at 10:30."

478
00:23:02.881 --> 00:23:05.717
So I go, "Mom, Mom, Mom! Mom, Mom!"

479
00:23:05.801 --> 00:23:08.720
"Mom, I gotta borrow your car!
Mom, I gotta go get some biscuits!"

480
00:23:08.804 --> 00:23:11.181
And she goes,
"Well, my car's in the driveway,

481
00:23:11.264 --> 00:23:13.433
and it's already running." And I said,

482
00:23:13.517 --> 00:23:16.103
"Why is your car in the driveway
and it's already running?"

483
00:23:16.186 --> 00:23:18.355
She goes,
"It's been running for the last hour."

484
00:23:18.438 --> 00:23:20.232
"Uh, I drove it this morning,

485
00:23:20.315 --> 00:23:24.319
and I realized that if I turned
the car off, it might not turn back on."

486
00:23:25.529 --> 00:23:30.409
"So I just left it running in the driveway
for an hour just in case we needed it."

487
00:23:30.992 --> 00:23:33.954
I said, "I don't have time
to get into the nuts and bolts of this."

488
00:23:34.037 --> 00:23:35.705
[audience laughing]

489
00:23:35.789 --> 00:23:37.999
"You could've taken it
to a service station."

490
00:23:38.625 --> 00:23:40.752
"But I gotta go get some biscuits."

491
00:23:41.336 --> 00:23:45.590
So I threw on my flannel,
and I got in my car,

492
00:23:45.674 --> 00:23:47.467
uh, my mom's car,

493
00:23:47.551 --> 00:23:49.886
and I drove across town to the Hardee's.

494
00:23:49.970 --> 00:23:52.222
Now, by the time I get there, it's 10:22,

495
00:23:52.305 --> 00:23:54.599
and there is a line in the drive-through
to the street.

496
00:23:54.683 --> 00:23:56.601
I'm like,
"Oh my God! Everybody wants biscuits!"

497
00:23:57.352 --> 00:23:59.396
[exhales in distress]
So I'm panicked, and I--

498
00:23:59.479 --> 00:24:02.315
Normally, I would just
pull into a parking space

499
00:24:02.399 --> 00:24:03.900
and run in and get those biscuits,

500
00:24:03.984 --> 00:24:06.361
but I'll remind you
that if I turn this car off…

501
00:24:06.445 --> 00:24:08.029
[audience laughing]

502
00:24:08.113 --> 00:24:10.282
…it might not turn back on.

503
00:24:10.866 --> 00:24:13.994
And there ain't no Ubers
in this tiny-ass town.

504
00:24:14.619 --> 00:24:17.706
So I'm waiting in line, I'm like,
"Come on, come on, come on."

505
00:24:17.789 --> 00:24:22.544
Finally, 10:28, I get up to the speaker,
and I just yell, "Biscuits!"

506
00:24:22.627 --> 00:24:23.795
[audience laughing]

507
00:24:23.879 --> 00:24:27.132
You don't have to specify when
you're from a small town in the South.

508
00:24:27.215 --> 00:24:28.467
They just know what that means.

509
00:24:29.926 --> 00:24:32.596
So she accepted my order. I'm like, "Yes!"

510
00:24:32.679 --> 00:24:35.140
And then that car died.

511
00:24:35.223 --> 00:24:36.725
Dead as a door nail

512
00:24:36.808 --> 00:24:38.852
right there
in the middle of that drive-through line.

513
00:24:38.935 --> 00:24:41.062
I was like, "No, no, no, no, no."

514
00:24:41.146 --> 00:24:42.898
The woman said,
"No, you don't want biscuits?"

515
00:24:42.981 --> 00:24:45.984
I said, "No, no!
I want biscuits. I do want biscuits."

516
00:24:46.067 --> 00:24:49.821
"I'm in my mom's car,
and my mom's car just died,

517
00:24:49.905 --> 00:24:51.490
and I don't know what to do."

518
00:24:51.573 --> 00:24:53.492
And she goes,
"Okay, I'll cancel your order."

519
00:24:53.575 --> 00:24:56.036
I'm like, "No, no! Please!
Please don't cancel my order."

520
00:24:56.119 --> 00:24:59.456
"Just… can you keep them biscuits,
and can you put them up front?"

521
00:24:59.539 --> 00:25:02.334
"I'm gonna get rid of this car,
I'm gonna come in there,

522
00:25:02.918 --> 00:25:04.628
and I'm gonna get them biscuits."

523
00:25:04.711 --> 00:25:07.672
And she said, "You have two minutes."
I said, "Bitch!"

524
00:25:07.756 --> 00:25:09.758
[audience laughing]

525
00:25:10.967 --> 00:25:13.512
You don't got any leeway? Jesus.

526
00:25:15.013 --> 00:25:16.223
So I'm freaking out,

527
00:25:16.306 --> 00:25:18.517
I've got two minutes
to figure this all out.

528
00:25:18.600 --> 00:25:20.435
And you can't walk
through a drive-through line.

529
00:25:20.519 --> 00:25:23.396
-I've tried twice at midnight.
-[audience laughing]

530
00:25:23.480 --> 00:25:25.565
After a couple of piña coladas,

531
00:25:25.649 --> 00:25:28.401
they do not want you
walking through that drive-through line.

532
00:25:29.027 --> 00:25:31.071
So I'm like,
"How am I gonna get rid of this car

533
00:25:31.154 --> 00:25:32.948
out of this drive-through line
in two minutes?"

534
00:25:33.031 --> 00:25:36.826
But you know how
a mom gets that mom strength

535
00:25:37.536 --> 00:25:39.329
when her baby's in trouble?

536
00:25:39.412 --> 00:25:42.832
And she's gotta, like,
lift up a bus to save her baby?

537
00:25:43.333 --> 00:25:45.460
Well, I got that mom strength.

538
00:25:46.086 --> 00:25:49.005
But for me, my baby was biscuits.

539
00:25:49.673 --> 00:25:51.758
So I put the car in neutral, I got out,

540
00:25:51.841 --> 00:25:53.760
I got in between the car and the door,

541
00:25:53.843 --> 00:25:56.012
and I just start pushing this car, going…

542
00:25:56.096 --> 00:25:57.681
[loud effort grunt]

543
00:25:57.764 --> 00:25:59.391
Making that noise too.

544
00:25:59.474 --> 00:26:01.768
[loud effort grunt]

545
00:26:01.851 --> 00:26:04.396
Now, these two dudes behind me in a truck,

546
00:26:04.479 --> 00:26:07.023
they get out of their truck
to come help me.

547
00:26:07.107 --> 00:26:09.818
All they see is me from behind
and my broad shoulders,

548
00:26:09.901 --> 00:26:11.820
and they go, "Oh, he's got it."

549
00:26:11.903 --> 00:26:14.072
[audience laughing]

550
00:26:14.155 --> 00:26:16.366
And then they get back in their truck.

551
00:26:16.449 --> 00:26:18.910
So I'm T. rexing this car.

552
00:26:18.994 --> 00:26:20.996
-[audience laughing]
-[effort grunts]

553
00:26:22.205 --> 00:26:23.582
I'm sweating my tits off,

554
00:26:23.665 --> 00:26:27.043
which is probably why
it was very confusing for those guys.

555
00:26:27.836 --> 00:26:29.045
[effort grunt]

556
00:26:29.129 --> 00:26:33.133
Now, there's a row of parking spaces
right across the way,

557
00:26:33.216 --> 00:26:35.635
so I just give the car one last… [grunts]

558
00:26:35.719 --> 00:26:38.847
Car starts rolling
towards these parking spots.

559
00:26:38.930 --> 00:26:41.182
I'm pivoting into a sprint,

560
00:26:41.266 --> 00:26:42.976
or at least I think I'm sprinting.

561
00:26:43.059 --> 00:26:44.477
[audience laughing]

562
00:26:44.561 --> 00:26:46.938
Thirty seconds left,
I can taste these biscuits.

563
00:26:47.022 --> 00:26:50.191
It's like the Southern Olympics
happening right now.

564
00:26:50.275 --> 00:26:52.110
And then all of a sudden,
I hear this boom.

565
00:26:52.861 --> 00:26:54.112
I look up,

566
00:26:54.195 --> 00:26:58.033
and everyone at the Hardee's
has dropped their French toast sticks,

567
00:26:58.116 --> 00:26:59.909
and they're staring at me,

568
00:26:59.993 --> 00:27:01.411
and whatever's behind me…

569
00:27:02.412 --> 00:27:03.830
So I turn around and look.

570
00:27:03.913 --> 00:27:07.167
I had pushed this car so hard,

571
00:27:07.250 --> 00:27:09.461
that it rolled through the parking space,

572
00:27:09.544 --> 00:27:12.464
over an embankment, into a ravine.

573
00:27:12.547 --> 00:27:13.882
[audience laughing]

574
00:27:13.965 --> 00:27:16.551
The hood of the car crashed into a ravine,

575
00:27:16.635 --> 00:27:19.554
the smoke's billowing out
of the freakin' engine,

576
00:27:19.638 --> 00:27:21.681
the alarm's going off,
the trunk popped open.

577
00:27:21.765 --> 00:27:24.768
I'm like, "Oh my God!"

578
00:27:26.227 --> 00:27:28.229
"Biscuits!"

579
00:27:28.897 --> 00:27:31.483
I ran in there, got those biscuits.

580
00:27:31.566 --> 00:27:35.445
'Cause if I'm gonna wait for a tow truck,
I'm gonna at least be full.

581
00:27:35.528 --> 00:27:37.155
[audience laughing]

582
00:27:37.238 --> 00:27:38.531
And I called my mom,

583
00:27:39.157 --> 00:27:40.617
I told her what happened,

584
00:27:40.700 --> 00:27:43.161
and she told me I was grounded.

585
00:27:43.244 --> 00:27:45.038
-Uh…
-[audience laughing]

586
00:27:45.121 --> 00:27:46.831
But I got them biscuits, baby.

587
00:27:46.915 --> 00:27:49.876
All right. Thank you, guys,
so much, for having me.

588
00:27:49.959 --> 00:27:53.046
-[audience cheering and applauding]
-Congratulations to The Improv.

589
00:27:53.129 --> 00:27:55.924
Sixty amazing years.

590
00:27:56.007 --> 00:27:59.052
[announcer] Let's have a nice hand
for Ray Romano.

591
00:27:59.135 --> 00:28:01.054
[audience cheering and applauding]

592
00:28:05.433 --> 00:28:06.559
Thank you.

593
00:28:06.643 --> 00:28:07.519
Thanks.

594
00:28:08.978 --> 00:28:11.439
My wife wants me to buy her a gift now.

595
00:28:11.523 --> 00:28:14.734
She's, uh… it's her birthday.
She's afraid she's getting old.

596
00:28:14.818 --> 00:28:16.653
I try to tell her it's all relative.

597
00:28:17.195 --> 00:28:19.531
The mayflower lives for how long?
Anybody know?

598
00:28:19.614 --> 00:28:22.283
The mayflower lives for a day.
24 hours. Imagine that.

599
00:28:22.367 --> 00:28:23.576
Imagine living one day.

600
00:28:24.160 --> 00:28:27.747
Imagine that at lunchtime,
you're having a midlife crisis already.

601
00:28:27.831 --> 00:28:30.500
Yeah. Aw, and if you died before noon,
it's a tragedy.

602
00:28:30.583 --> 00:28:33.044
"Oh, he has his whole day ahead of him."

603
00:28:33.128 --> 00:28:34.003
"Oh…"

604
00:28:34.087 --> 00:28:35.338
[audience laughing]

605
00:28:36.715 --> 00:28:39.968
You know what they do for one day?
You know what the mayflower's purpose is?

606
00:28:40.051 --> 00:28:41.428
It's to reproduce. Imagine that.

607
00:28:41.511 --> 00:28:44.139
I mean, if you have to live for one day,
that's the day, right there.

608
00:28:44.931 --> 00:28:46.808
Hell, I wouldn't--
Even if I was a mayflower,

609
00:28:46.891 --> 00:28:49.060
I wouldn't be able to have sex. I know it.

610
00:28:49.144 --> 00:28:53.148
It'd be the--
They'd find some turn-downs for me.

611
00:28:53.231 --> 00:28:55.567
"Oh, tomorrow. Tomorrow…"
[voice fades out]

612
00:28:55.650 --> 00:28:57.360
[audience laughing]

613
00:28:57.444 --> 00:28:59.863
[audience cheering]

614
00:29:02.115 --> 00:29:05.243
[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Mark Normand!

615
00:29:05.326 --> 00:29:08.496
[audience cheering and applauding]

616
00:29:12.625 --> 00:29:13.460
Hey.

617
00:29:14.669 --> 00:29:16.880
All right. Comedy, huh?

618
00:29:17.756 --> 00:29:19.466
Yeah. We're really doin' it.

619
00:29:20.049 --> 00:29:22.260
Sorry, I'm a little hungover.
Not gonna lie to you guys.

620
00:29:22.343 --> 00:29:23.178
I gotta cut back.

621
00:29:23.261 --> 00:29:25.138
Went out with a friend last night,
a beer expert.

622
00:29:25.221 --> 00:29:27.557
You know these guys, like,
"We gotta go to a brewery."

623
00:29:27.640 --> 00:29:29.100
I'm like, "Why can't we go to a bar?"

624
00:29:29.184 --> 00:29:31.102
He's like,
"It's fun. You can see how it's made."

625
00:29:31.186 --> 00:29:32.604
I don't care how it's made.

626
00:29:32.687 --> 00:29:34.105
[audience laughing]

627
00:29:34.189 --> 00:29:37.066
Look, I like porn.
I don't need to go to a broken home.

628
00:29:37.776 --> 00:29:39.778
-Ha.
-[audience laughing]

629
00:29:42.614 --> 00:29:45.116
No. Not saying all porns
aren't broken homes,

630
00:29:45.200 --> 00:29:47.202
just the ones I like. All right.

631
00:29:47.285 --> 00:29:48.787
-[audience laughing]
-Um…

632
00:29:49.537 --> 00:29:51.998
Yeah. I gotta cut back
on the booze, you know?

633
00:29:52.081 --> 00:29:55.335
I actually got let go from a job once
for being "drunk at work."

634
00:29:55.418 --> 00:29:59.380
Yeah. My boss is like, "Get in here.
You're a high-functioning alcoholic."

635
00:29:59.464 --> 00:30:02.342
I was like, "Jeez.
How'd he know I was also high?" Ha ha.

636
00:30:02.425 --> 00:30:04.219
[audience laughing]

637
00:30:04.302 --> 00:30:07.263
But I was out with my friend.
He's a-- He's a gay fella.

638
00:30:07.347 --> 00:30:09.641
Yep. We got any gay guys here?

639
00:30:09.724 --> 00:30:11.351
-[man whoops]
-Hey, all right!

640
00:30:11.434 --> 00:30:13.019
Thanks for "comin' out."

641
00:30:13.102 --> 00:30:14.687
-Um, okay.
-[audience laughing]

642
00:30:15.605 --> 00:30:17.440
Um, good to have you there.

643
00:30:18.107 --> 00:30:19.025
Um…

644
00:30:20.151 --> 00:30:20.985
Yeah.

645
00:30:21.694 --> 00:30:23.780
My buddy, he's wild, you know? He's fun.

646
00:30:23.863 --> 00:30:27.408
He loves straight dudes. That's his thing.
He's like, "I love flipping a hetero."

647
00:30:27.492 --> 00:30:29.786
He's like, "You know hard it is
to go out every night,

648
00:30:29.869 --> 00:30:32.497
see people you wanna have sex with
who don't wanna have sex with you?

649
00:30:33.122 --> 00:30:35.625
I was like, "That's exactly what it's like
being a straight guy."

650
00:30:35.708 --> 00:30:37.252
-Ha ha.
-[audience laughing]

651
00:30:37.335 --> 00:30:38.878
"What the hell are you talking about?"

652
00:30:39.879 --> 00:30:41.923
"I'd argue it's as hard for me
to sleep with a woman

653
00:30:42.006 --> 00:30:44.801
as it is for you to flip a hetero."
He was like, "No, you have no idea."

654
00:30:44.884 --> 00:30:46.678
"Gotta taken 'em out for hours,
convince them."

655
00:30:47.387 --> 00:30:49.514
"Yeah, yeah. Same here." Ha.

656
00:30:49.597 --> 00:30:53.184
He's like, "No, even if you do
pull it off, which is like a miracle,

657
00:30:53.268 --> 00:30:54.602
they feel horrible after."

658
00:30:54.686 --> 00:30:56.688
"Yeah, yeah. Same shit." Ha.

659
00:30:56.771 --> 00:30:58.022
[audience laughing]

660
00:30:58.106 --> 00:31:00.066
We went back and forth for hours.
Back and forth.

661
00:31:00.149 --> 00:31:02.110
Eventually, I woke up at his place.

662
00:31:02.193 --> 00:31:04.612
-Ha ha.
-[audience laughing]

663
00:31:05.780 --> 00:31:06.781
I know.

664
00:31:07.824 --> 00:31:09.033
Still sore.

665
00:31:09.117 --> 00:31:11.119
Um, yeah.

666
00:31:12.745 --> 00:31:14.747
But, you know, big fan of the gays.

667
00:31:14.831 --> 00:31:16.833
You guys are the best. Uh…

668
00:31:16.916 --> 00:31:19.335
Great people. Positive, non-violent.

669
00:31:19.419 --> 00:31:21.254
You never meet any violent gay guys.

670
00:31:21.337 --> 00:31:23.590
There's no gay gangs.
That would just be a musical.

671
00:31:23.673 --> 00:31:24.841
Right? Yeah.

672
00:31:25.425 --> 00:31:26.467
Uh-huh.

673
00:31:27.510 --> 00:31:29.345
I'm not gay. Do like the ladies.

674
00:31:29.429 --> 00:31:31.639
Big fan of the old…
[clicks tongue] …labia.

675
00:31:31.723 --> 00:31:32.557
Yeah.

676
00:31:33.433 --> 00:31:35.685
Majora and "minora" for the Jews.

677
00:31:35.768 --> 00:31:36.853
Yeah, yeah.

678
00:31:36.936 --> 00:31:37.770
All right.

679
00:31:38.646 --> 00:31:39.689
Okay.

680
00:31:39.772 --> 00:31:40.940
We got any Jews here?

681
00:31:41.024 --> 00:31:44.193
-[scattered cheers]
-Hey, all right. Too many.

682
00:31:44.277 --> 00:31:45.695
But, uh-- No, I'm kidding.

683
00:31:45.778 --> 00:31:46.863
[audience laughing]

684
00:31:46.946 --> 00:31:50.575
Just joking. My wife's Jewish.
Met her on that Jewish app, uh, PayPal.

685
00:31:50.658 --> 00:31:52.869
-But, you know… Okay.
-[audience laughing]

686
00:31:52.952 --> 00:31:54.454
All right. We're having fun.

687
00:31:55.371 --> 00:31:57.457
But, yeah, so many beautiful women in LA.
It's crazy.

688
00:31:57.540 --> 00:31:59.876
Ladies, you know how to look good.
You know all these tricks.

689
00:31:59.959 --> 00:32:02.712
That's how women figured out
to take the selfie up here.

690
00:32:02.795 --> 00:32:05.798
That was all you, ladies.
You know where your good sight lines are.

691
00:32:05.882 --> 00:32:07.467
I think that's why women like tall guys.

692
00:32:07.550 --> 00:32:10.678
Some guy looking at you
from your best angle 100% of the time,

693
00:32:10.762 --> 00:32:11.930
all day long.

694
00:32:12.597 --> 00:32:14.223
That's why you don't mess with short guys.

695
00:32:14.307 --> 00:32:16.643
Some guy like, "Jeez,
look at the triple chin on this broad."

696
00:32:16.726 --> 00:32:17.894
"Holy hell."

697
00:32:17.977 --> 00:32:19.020
[audience laughing]

698
00:32:19.103 --> 00:32:23.024
I'm glad I'm not single.
It's hard to talk to ladies. That's scary.

699
00:32:23.107 --> 00:32:24.734
Ladies, hit on men more. Hit on us.

700
00:32:24.817 --> 00:32:26.486
You can say whatever you want to a guy.

701
00:32:26.569 --> 00:32:29.614
I had an older lady approach me once.
She goes, "Ooh, I'm gonna kidnap you."

702
00:32:29.697 --> 00:32:30.657
I was like…

703
00:32:30.740 --> 00:32:32.825
[audience laughing]

704
00:32:32.909 --> 00:32:35.370
I was like,
"Wow, I could never say that to a woman."

705
00:32:35.453 --> 00:32:37.246
-Ha ha.
-[audience laughing]

706
00:32:37.330 --> 00:32:40.959
I say that to a lady,
she calls the police, you know? Yeah.

707
00:32:42.043 --> 00:32:44.671
I'd be curious to know what
a woman could say that'd offend me.

708
00:32:44.754 --> 00:32:48.132
Like, "I'm gonna take you home,
I'm gonna drug you…

709
00:32:49.384 --> 00:32:50.885
take advantage of you, and film it."

710
00:32:50.969 --> 00:32:53.680
I'd be like,
"At least let me pay for the Uber." Ha ha.

711
00:32:53.763 --> 00:32:55.765
[audience laughing]

712
00:32:56.307 --> 00:32:57.392
Yeah.

713
00:32:57.475 --> 00:32:59.727
I'm just jealous of you gals.
You got options.

714
00:32:59.811 --> 00:33:01.187
You got the freedom to say no.

715
00:33:01.270 --> 00:33:02.939
Like, if a girl goes on a date with a guy,

716
00:33:03.022 --> 00:33:04.983
and this guy
takes out his Nazi memorabilia,

717
00:33:05.066 --> 00:33:07.443
she's like, "I gotta get
the hell out of here." Right?

718
00:33:07.527 --> 00:33:10.113
But if I go out with a girl
and she takes out her Nazi memorabilia,

719
00:33:10.196 --> 00:33:13.408
I'm like, "I gotta bang her
and get the hell out of here." Ha ha.

720
00:33:13.491 --> 00:33:15.159
-[audience laughing]
-Mmm.

721
00:33:17.286 --> 00:33:18.121
But, you know…

722
00:33:18.204 --> 00:33:19.706
Mentioned the height thing.

723
00:33:19.789 --> 00:33:23.126
I was never good on the apps
'cause women would ask how tall I was.

724
00:33:23.209 --> 00:33:26.671
You ladies are all
a bunch of height supremacists. You know?

725
00:33:26.754 --> 00:33:28.089
-[audience laughing]
-Yeah.

726
00:33:28.172 --> 00:33:30.216
"You over six feet? You over six feet?"

727
00:33:30.299 --> 00:33:33.219
I never knew what to say.
I was like, "Well, no, but, uh,

728
00:33:33.302 --> 00:33:34.971
I'm still growing as a person."

729
00:33:35.054 --> 00:33:36.639
-Ha ha ha.
-[audience laughing]

730
00:33:36.723 --> 00:33:37.557
You know?

731
00:33:37.640 --> 00:33:40.268
Yeah, that was a tough one.
Didn't know we get to ask physical stuff.

732
00:33:40.351 --> 00:33:44.022
I was like, "So, how much do you weigh?"
She was like, "Whoa, that's body-shaming."

733
00:33:44.105 --> 00:33:45.523
"It's hard for me to lose weight."

734
00:33:45.606 --> 00:33:47.650
It's like,
"Even harder for me to gain height."

735
00:33:47.734 --> 00:33:49.861
-You know.
-[audience laughing]

736
00:33:50.778 --> 00:33:52.864
Okay. Workin' on it.

737
00:33:52.947 --> 00:33:54.741
Oh, hey, all right. Yeah.

738
00:33:54.824 --> 00:33:57.410
Look at that. Little short guy love.

739
00:33:57.493 --> 00:33:58.953
There ya go, buddy.

740
00:33:59.454 --> 00:34:01.748
-What are you, 5'10"?
-[man in audience] Yeah.

741
00:34:01.831 --> 00:34:04.167
-Yeah, me too. All right.
-[audience laughing]

742
00:34:04.834 --> 00:34:06.044
I know my own.

743
00:34:06.127 --> 00:34:07.795
All right, yes.

744
00:34:07.879 --> 00:34:10.965
Cool. Hey, you guys are nice.
Lot of crowds very sensitive now.

745
00:34:11.049 --> 00:34:13.926
I had a guy yell at me once. He goes,
"Hey, buddy, that's a trigger word."

746
00:34:14.010 --> 00:34:16.345
I was like,
"Whoa. I think it's pronounced 'trigga.'"

747
00:34:16.429 --> 00:34:18.431
-But, you know.
-[audience laughing]

748
00:34:19.807 --> 00:34:20.641
Yeah.

749
00:34:21.142 --> 00:34:22.143
Oh yeah.

750
00:34:24.103 --> 00:34:24.937
Yep.

751
00:34:27.565 --> 00:34:30.234
You know, these are weird times.
People are tense.

752
00:34:30.318 --> 00:34:33.946
A lot of anger, a lot of hate groups.
White supremacists, all this stuff.

753
00:34:34.030 --> 00:34:36.532
It's weird you're allowed
to be hateful in America,

754
00:34:37.033 --> 00:34:38.326
as long as you're not specific.

755
00:34:38.409 --> 00:34:40.411
You know, if you're like,
"I hate Jewish people,"

756
00:34:40.495 --> 00:34:41.829
everybody's like, "What a bigot."

757
00:34:41.913 --> 00:34:44.999
But if you're like, "I hate people,"
everybody's like, "Tell me about it."

758
00:34:45.083 --> 00:34:47.168
-Ha ha ha.
-[audience laughing]

759
00:34:47.251 --> 00:34:48.086
Yeah.

760
00:34:49.128 --> 00:34:50.254
Yeah, times are tense.

761
00:34:50.338 --> 00:34:53.132
Saw one of those White Lives Matter
rallies go by my house the other day.

762
00:34:53.216 --> 00:34:56.219
I was like, "Oh jeez," then I realized,
"It's just a half-marathon."

763
00:34:56.302 --> 00:34:57.845
-Ha ha ha.
-[audience laughing]

764
00:34:59.388 --> 00:35:00.640
Whoo!

765
00:35:00.723 --> 00:35:02.892
[raucous laughter]

766
00:35:02.975 --> 00:35:03.976
Oh yeah.

767
00:35:05.061 --> 00:35:06.479
Tense times, you know.

768
00:35:06.562 --> 00:35:08.606
Everybody's very nervous
about racial stuff.

769
00:35:08.689 --> 00:35:10.483
I was talking to one guy
at my last day job,

770
00:35:10.566 --> 00:35:12.735
like, "What's the name
of that new guy on the 5th floor?"

771
00:35:12.819 --> 00:35:15.321
"The really tall Black guy?"
This guy goes, "Whoa."

772
00:35:15.404 --> 00:35:18.282
"I don't see color."
Like, "Really? You really just say that?"

773
00:35:19.367 --> 00:35:23.246
So I looked this guy right in the eye,
and I was like, "Hey, man, it's cool."

774
00:35:23.830 --> 00:35:25.123
"I'm Black."

775
00:35:25.206 --> 00:35:26.624
[audience laughing]

776
00:35:26.707 --> 00:35:29.794
And he was like, "No, you're not."
And I'm like, "Aha."

777
00:35:29.877 --> 00:35:31.629
-Ha ha ha.
-[audience laughing]

778
00:35:31.712 --> 00:35:32.547
Yes.

779
00:35:35.466 --> 00:35:37.593
You may not be racist, but you are a liar.

780
00:35:37.677 --> 00:35:39.679
-All right.
-[audience laughing]

781
00:35:40.179 --> 00:35:41.848
Everybody's touchy, you know.

782
00:35:42.515 --> 00:35:46.811
I was on the subway in New York recently,
watching an interracial couple make out.

783
00:35:46.894 --> 00:35:49.147
I was just staring at 'em, you know?

784
00:35:49.230 --> 00:35:50.606
[audience laughing]

785
00:35:50.690 --> 00:35:52.984
And this guy next to me was like,
"Hey, man, what the hell?"

786
00:35:53.067 --> 00:35:55.069
"What are you, staring at them?
Are you racist?"

787
00:35:55.153 --> 00:35:57.363
I was like, "What? I'm not racist."

788
00:35:57.446 --> 00:35:58.656
"I'm a creep."

789
00:35:58.739 --> 00:36:00.408
-Ha ha ha.
-[audience laughing]

790
00:36:00.491 --> 00:36:02.493
"What are you talking about?
I'm hard." You know?

791
00:36:02.577 --> 00:36:03.578
[audience laughing]

792
00:36:03.661 --> 00:36:06.330
Yeah. I'm not a racist,
I'm aroused. Ha ha.

793
00:36:06.414 --> 00:36:07.373
[audience laughing]

794
00:36:07.456 --> 00:36:09.667
I'm Kevin Hart. You guys are great.
Have a good night.

795
00:36:09.750 --> 00:36:11.043
Comedy, thank you!

796
00:36:11.711 --> 00:36:13.713
[chill music playing]

797
00:36:16.465 --> 00:36:18.926
[announcer] Welcome, David Spade!

798
00:36:19.010 --> 00:36:21.262
[audience cheering and applauding]

799
00:36:22.805 --> 00:36:25.474
So, I am from Arizona, and, uh…

800
00:36:25.558 --> 00:36:27.518
Thank you all.
I'll kick my own ass a little later.

801
00:36:27.602 --> 00:36:29.604
-[audience laughing]
-[Spade] Yikes.

802
00:36:30.104 --> 00:36:32.523
I moved out here last summer
to see my mom. She lives out here.

803
00:36:32.607 --> 00:36:35.902
I needed her to cut my steak up
in little tiny pieces so I could eat it.

804
00:36:35.985 --> 00:36:37.403
[audience laughing]

805
00:36:37.486 --> 00:36:39.697
I flew out here.
I tell ya, flying's kind of a drag.

806
00:36:39.780 --> 00:36:40.781
When you get on any plane,

807
00:36:40.865 --> 00:36:43.159
the stewardess will always tell you
the name of the pilot.

808
00:36:43.242 --> 00:36:45.453
You know,
like anyone goes, "Oh, he's good."

809
00:36:45.536 --> 00:36:47.205
[audience laughing]

810
00:36:47.288 --> 00:36:48.706
"I like his work."

811
00:36:49.874 --> 00:36:51.417
"He usually does the Midwest."

812
00:36:52.919 --> 00:36:54.879
So we land at LAX.
I've never been here before.

813
00:36:54.962 --> 00:36:57.465
Every terminal is taken
so we can't even park the plane.

814
00:36:57.548 --> 00:36:59.634
We're, like, taxiing around
for 20 minutes.

815
00:36:59.717 --> 00:37:01.802
Finally, we see this pilot,
and he's carrying his keys.

816
00:37:01.886 --> 00:37:03.888
We start following him around for a bit.

817
00:37:03.971 --> 00:37:05.223
[audience laughing]

818
00:37:05.306 --> 00:37:07.183
But he's just getting
something out of his plane,

819
00:37:07.266 --> 00:37:09.310
so we can't park there, you know.

820
00:37:09.393 --> 00:37:12.104
[chill music playing]

821
00:37:14.899 --> 00:37:18.527
[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Anjelah Johnson-Reyes!

822
00:37:18.611 --> 00:37:21.530
[audience cheering and applauding]

823
00:37:28.496 --> 00:37:30.206
Hello.

824
00:37:31.123 --> 00:37:33.292
Oh, what a special night.

825
00:37:33.376 --> 00:37:36.170
It's so good to be here
at the Hollywood Improv,

826
00:37:36.254 --> 00:37:38.714
especially since
my husband and I just moved

827
00:37:38.798 --> 00:37:41.217
to Nashville, Tennessee.

828
00:37:42.385 --> 00:37:44.345
♪ It's different there ♪

829
00:37:44.428 --> 00:37:45.930
[audience laughing]

830
00:37:46.514 --> 00:37:49.392
Yeah. Being a California girl
living in the South,

831
00:37:49.475 --> 00:37:51.310
I've had a lot to learn.

832
00:37:51.394 --> 00:37:54.814
I learned when I go to a restaurant
and I order an iced tea,

833
00:37:54.897 --> 00:37:57.650
it automatically comes
with three pounds of sugar in it.

834
00:37:59.026 --> 00:38:00.861
They call it "sweet tea."

835
00:38:01.529 --> 00:38:03.698
We call it "diabe-tea."

836
00:38:03.781 --> 00:38:05.783
[audience laughing]

837
00:38:05.866 --> 00:38:07.410
It's delicious.

838
00:38:08.703 --> 00:38:10.663
Little things are different.

839
00:38:10.746 --> 00:38:12.623
Like when I'm in LA, if I go to a store

840
00:38:12.707 --> 00:38:14.583
and they're like,
"Can I help you find anything?"

841
00:38:14.667 --> 00:38:15.793
I'm like, "I'm okay."

842
00:38:15.876 --> 00:38:19.463
And if I'm feeling really friendly
that day, I'm like, "I'm okay, thanks."

843
00:38:19.547 --> 00:38:20.881
[audience laughing]

844
00:38:20.965 --> 00:38:22.383
That's it. That's where it ends.

845
00:38:22.466 --> 00:38:23.676
Then I get to Nashville,

846
00:38:23.759 --> 00:38:25.636
I'm at TJ Maxx one day.

847
00:38:25.720 --> 00:38:27.972
I can hear the ladies
in the row next to me.

848
00:38:28.055 --> 00:38:30.391
[in Southern accent]
"Can I help you find anything?"

849
00:38:30.474 --> 00:38:35.730
"I'm all right,
but thank you so much for askin'."

850
00:38:35.813 --> 00:38:39.400
"It's my pleasure.
It's a beautiful day outside."

851
00:38:39.483 --> 00:38:42.653
"Yes, it is. But they say
it's gonna rain by three o'clock."

852
00:38:42.737 --> 00:38:45.281
"Make sure you get home
before the traffic. It's gonna be a mess."

853
00:38:45.364 --> 00:38:48.492
"Bless your heart!"

854
00:38:48.576 --> 00:38:49.952
[audience laughing]

855
00:38:50.036 --> 00:38:51.412
[in normal voice] I was like, "Ooh.

856
00:38:51.495 --> 00:38:53.497
"I don't know if I have
energy for the South."

857
00:38:53.581 --> 00:38:55.041
[audience laughing]

858
00:38:55.750 --> 00:38:57.460
I don't know how to do it.

859
00:38:57.543 --> 00:39:00.171
Like, who stops talking first? Me or you?

860
00:39:00.963 --> 00:39:04.383
And then I look in the row next to me.
Neither one of 'em even work there.

861
00:39:04.467 --> 00:39:07.511
[audience laughing]

862
00:39:08.721 --> 00:39:12.266
Another thing I've noticed living
in the South is the bugs are bigger.

863
00:39:13.642 --> 00:39:14.477
Yeah.

864
00:39:14.560 --> 00:39:17.438
Like, in California,
we have bugs, but our bugs are cute.

865
00:39:17.521 --> 00:39:19.774
[audience laughing]

866
00:39:19.857 --> 00:39:21.525
Then I get to Nashville.

867
00:39:21.609 --> 00:39:23.569
I went to get in my shower one morning,

868
00:39:23.652 --> 00:39:25.780
there was a spider in my shower.

869
00:39:25.863 --> 00:39:28.949
Now, this spider was so big,

870
00:39:29.033 --> 00:39:30.743
I thought I was interrupting him.

871
00:39:30.826 --> 00:39:31.786
[audience laughing]

872
00:39:32.411 --> 00:39:36.374
I did. I went to open my shower curtain,
I was like, "Ooh my God, I'm so sorry!"

873
00:39:36.457 --> 00:39:37.333
[audience laughing]

874
00:39:37.416 --> 00:39:39.585
"I didn't know
anybody was in here. My bad."

875
00:39:42.505 --> 00:39:43.881
I'm learning a lot about the South.

876
00:39:43.964 --> 00:39:47.259
I don't know if you guys knew this,
but it's very haunted in the South.

877
00:39:47.343 --> 00:39:48.886
Lot of haunted places there.

878
00:39:48.969 --> 00:39:51.597
I'm very into the haunted, ghosty stuff,

879
00:39:51.680 --> 00:39:54.308
so when I first got to Nashville,
I started Googling.

880
00:39:54.392 --> 00:39:57.520
I was like,
"Where in Nashville is it haunted?"

881
00:39:57.603 --> 00:40:00.439
And then Google was like, "Go outside."

882
00:40:00.523 --> 00:40:01.899
[audience laughing]

883
00:40:03.692 --> 00:40:07.029
But doing my research,
I've come to the realization

884
00:40:07.113 --> 00:40:10.866
that most ghosts are from the 1800s.

885
00:40:10.950 --> 00:40:14.328
Any time you ever hear
about a ghost story, it's usually like,

886
00:40:14.412 --> 00:40:17.748
"Oh yeah, that's, uh, Mabel."

887
00:40:18.374 --> 00:40:19.375
[audience tittering]

888
00:40:19.458 --> 00:40:22.795
"She died in 1806

889
00:40:22.878 --> 00:40:24.880
of seasonal allergies."

890
00:40:24.964 --> 00:40:26.590
[audience laughing]

891
00:40:27.591 --> 00:40:30.428
You don't ever hear about a 1997 ghost.

892
00:40:30.511 --> 00:40:31.720
[audience laughing]

893
00:40:33.931 --> 00:40:35.850
You've never heard the story,

894
00:40:35.933 --> 00:40:39.395
"Oh yeah, that's, uh, Stacy."

895
00:40:39.478 --> 00:40:41.439
[audience laughing]

896
00:40:42.690 --> 00:40:45.067
"She died in '97."

897
00:40:46.068 --> 00:40:49.155
"She was crossing the street
while checking her pager."

898
00:40:49.238 --> 00:40:50.364
[audience laughing]

899
00:40:54.326 --> 00:40:56.704
I like scary movies.
You guys like scary movies?

900
00:40:56.787 --> 00:40:58.164
-[audience cheering]
-Yeah.

901
00:40:58.247 --> 00:41:01.333
I'm into it. I mean,
sometimes they're a little predictable.

902
00:41:01.417 --> 00:41:02.293
You know?

903
00:41:02.376 --> 00:41:05.588
Like, you always know when the ghost
is gonna come on the screen

904
00:41:05.671 --> 00:41:08.466
because the music changes, right?

905
00:41:08.549 --> 00:41:11.802
It turns into, like,
creepy classical music.

906
00:41:11.886 --> 00:41:13.679
Or Johnny Cash.

907
00:41:13.762 --> 00:41:14.805
[audience laughing]

908
00:41:15.764 --> 00:41:17.766
But not if your ghost was Stacy.

909
00:41:17.850 --> 00:41:19.727
[audience laughing]

910
00:41:19.810 --> 00:41:21.729
No. If Stacy was your ghost,

911
00:41:21.812 --> 00:41:24.815
she'd wake you up
in the middle of the night with,

912
00:41:24.899 --> 00:41:31.780
[singing TLC's "No Scrubs" melancholily]
♪ No scrubs ♪

913
00:41:33.157 --> 00:41:40.039
♪ No scrubs ♪

914
00:41:40.122 --> 00:41:44.335
[singing En Vogue's "My Love"]
♪ Never gonna get it, never gonna get it ♪

915
00:41:44.877 --> 00:41:47.004
[audience laughing]

916
00:41:47.087 --> 00:41:50.674
[audience cheering and applauding]

917
00:41:53.093 --> 00:41:54.970
Stacy's creepy.

918
00:41:55.054 --> 00:41:56.305
[audience laughing]

919
00:41:57.348 --> 00:42:02.019
They say dogs are really sensitive
to paranormal stuff.

920
00:42:02.102 --> 00:42:04.480
And that's true.
My dog is super sensitive.

921
00:42:04.563 --> 00:42:07.024
And he's also super cute.

922
00:42:07.942 --> 00:42:12.363
We adopted him at the shelter,
and we wanted to know what breed he was,

923
00:42:12.446 --> 00:42:14.573
so we did a little DNA test on him.

924
00:42:14.657 --> 00:42:20.162
Come to find out, he is Yorkie,
Maltese, shih tzu, cocker spaniel,

925
00:42:20.246 --> 00:42:22.706
miniature schnauzer,
Mexican, and Puerto Rican.

926
00:42:22.790 --> 00:42:23.791
[audience laughing]

927
00:42:24.375 --> 00:42:26.669
[in sing-song voice] Hello, scholarship!

928
00:42:27.336 --> 00:42:29.922
I'm Anjelah Johnson-Reyes.
Thank you guys so much.

929
00:42:30.005 --> 00:42:33.467
-[audience cheering and applauding]
-Happy anniversary, Improv!

930
00:42:33.551 --> 00:42:36.303
[announcer]
Please welcome Dave Attell. Dave Attell.

931
00:42:36.387 --> 00:42:38.931
[audience cheering and applauding]

932
00:42:45.229 --> 00:42:47.022
Ohh.

933
00:42:47.106 --> 00:42:49.275
I went to one of these sex stores.
You know the kind.

934
00:42:49.358 --> 00:42:51.443
You and your friends go in
and laugh at all the stuff,

935
00:42:51.527 --> 00:42:54.280
and then you go home, and then
you race back alone and buy it all?

936
00:42:54.363 --> 00:42:56.657
[audience laughing]

937
00:42:56.740 --> 00:42:59.368
I bought my girlfriend a vibrator.
She dumped me.

938
00:42:59.451 --> 00:43:01.912
[audience laughing]

939
00:43:01.996 --> 00:43:03.956
No, she called me up the next day,
like, "Dave?"

940
00:43:04.039 --> 00:43:06.292
[voice vibrating]
"I don't know how to tell you this, but…

941
00:43:06.375 --> 00:43:08.377
listen, I wanna be alone."

942
00:43:09.003 --> 00:43:13.340
"For a long time."

943
00:43:13.424 --> 00:43:15.050
[audience laughing]

944
00:43:15.134 --> 00:43:18.304
[chill music playing]

945
00:43:18.387 --> 00:43:22.349
[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Jeff Dunham!

946
00:43:22.433 --> 00:43:26.353
[audience cheering and applauding]

947
00:43:29.523 --> 00:43:30.649
Thank you.

948
00:43:32.318 --> 00:43:35.571
Thank you very much. Before I get
started here, I just wanna say

949
00:43:35.654 --> 00:43:38.115
The Improv, for me, started in 1988,

950
00:43:38.198 --> 00:43:41.452
and I had just driven out here
from Texas, where I grew up,

951
00:43:41.535 --> 00:43:44.246
with a truck full of dummies and dreams.

952
00:43:44.330 --> 00:43:45.289
[audience laughing]

953
00:43:45.372 --> 00:43:47.333
But, uh, so 20 years doing The Improv,

954
00:43:47.416 --> 00:43:49.835
it was just great,
and I moved onto other things after that,

955
00:43:49.918 --> 00:43:51.629
but it's great to be back here

956
00:43:51.712 --> 00:43:53.756
and to have some fun
here tonight with you guys.

957
00:43:53.839 --> 00:43:57.676
-Sound good? Yes? Maybe? Yeah! Good.
-[audience cheering]

958
00:43:59.553 --> 00:44:02.973
And there's been some little guys in boxes
that have helped me along the way.

959
00:44:03.057 --> 00:44:05.100
One of them is here this evening.
I hope you enjoy it.

960
00:44:05.184 --> 00:44:07.686
Please help me welcome
my old friend Walter.

961
00:44:07.770 --> 00:44:09.271
[audience cheering]

962
00:44:17.112 --> 00:44:18.906
Ah, shut the hell up.

963
00:44:19.698 --> 00:44:21.784
[groans mockingly]

964
00:44:22.951 --> 00:44:25.621
-Walter, you know where we are?
-Yeah. What a dump.

965
00:44:25.704 --> 00:44:26.872
[audience laughing]

966
00:44:26.955 --> 00:44:29.333
Come on.
It's the world-famous Melrose Improv.

967
00:44:29.416 --> 00:44:31.835
Well, la-di-freakin'-da.

968
00:44:32.544 --> 00:44:35.798
-A lot of history here.
-Translated, "old as crap."

969
00:44:36.840 --> 00:44:37.800
Have you looked around?

970
00:44:37.883 --> 00:44:40.761
Since we've been here, they've done
a lot of refurbishing, made it nice.

971
00:44:40.844 --> 00:44:43.055
Well, polish a turd, it's still a turd.

972
00:44:43.138 --> 00:44:45.391
[audience laughing]

973
00:44:45.474 --> 00:44:47.476
[Walter laughing mockingly]

974
00:44:48.268 --> 00:44:50.479
And, I know--
Can we get this out of the way?

975
00:44:50.562 --> 00:44:54.066
-Go ahead.
-Yes, I know I look like Joe Biden.

976
00:44:54.149 --> 00:44:56.026
[audience laughing]

977
00:44:56.110 --> 00:44:57.986
It's not funny.
People say it all the time.

978
00:44:58.070 --> 00:44:59.863
"Are you Joe Biden?"

979
00:45:00.572 --> 00:45:02.783
I don't want to disappoint them,
so I go, "I don't know,"

980
00:45:02.866 --> 00:45:04.159
and they believe me.

981
00:45:04.243 --> 00:45:06.412
[audience laughing]

982
00:45:06.495 --> 00:45:09.415
And somebody else
is always telling me what to say.

983
00:45:09.498 --> 00:45:10.332
[Jeff inhales]

984
00:45:10.416 --> 00:45:12.292
[audience laughing]

985
00:45:13.502 --> 00:45:15.796
Screw you. That's a good joke.

986
00:45:15.879 --> 00:45:17.214
[audience laughing]

987
00:45:17.297 --> 00:45:19.091
-Anything else going on?
-I don't know.

988
00:45:19.174 --> 00:45:21.885
-I'm tired of my other job.
-You do have another job.

989
00:45:21.969 --> 00:45:23.262
-Yeah.
-Tell them what it is.

990
00:45:23.345 --> 00:45:26.014
I am a greeter at Walmart.

991
00:45:26.098 --> 00:45:27.266
[audience laughing]

992
00:45:28.600 --> 00:45:30.769
-What do you say to everybody?
-Welcome to Walmart.

993
00:45:30.853 --> 00:45:32.479
Get your shit and get out.

994
00:45:32.563 --> 00:45:34.231
[audience laughing]

995
00:45:35.023 --> 00:45:35.858
Thank you.

996
00:45:36.442 --> 00:45:39.027
-Anything else wrong?
-I think I had too much bran.

997
00:45:39.111 --> 00:45:40.779
Too much bran? Should make you regular.

998
00:45:40.863 --> 00:45:43.157
Regular?
Hell, I'm three years ahead of schedule.

999
00:45:43.240 --> 00:45:44.742
[audience laughing]

1000
00:45:44.825 --> 00:45:47.202
-Shut up.
-[Jeff snickers]

1001
00:45:47.286 --> 00:45:48.537
But it's good to be back in LA.

1002
00:45:48.620 --> 00:45:50.789
Yeah, great to be back
in LA and Hollywood.

1003
00:45:50.873 --> 00:45:53.459
So fantastic here.
The city's done so much for itself.

1004
00:45:53.542 --> 00:45:54.543
Holy crap.

1005
00:45:54.626 --> 00:45:55.919
[audience laughing]

1006
00:45:56.712 --> 00:45:58.922
-This summer's been hot as hell.
-It was.

1007
00:45:59.006 --> 00:46:01.967
Oh my God, we had a freakin' hurricane.

1008
00:46:02.050 --> 00:46:04.303
-What the hell? How did that happen?
-I don't know.

1009
00:46:04.386 --> 00:46:06.889
To make matters worse,
middle of the hurricane, what do we have?

1010
00:46:06.972 --> 00:46:08.515
Freakin' earthquake!

1011
00:46:08.599 --> 00:46:10.517
In the middle of a damn hurricane!

1012
00:46:10.601 --> 00:46:12.561
God hates this city!

1013
00:46:12.644 --> 00:46:14.521
[audience laughing]

1014
00:46:15.189 --> 00:46:16.857
-Yeah.
-Anything else wrong?

1015
00:46:16.940 --> 00:46:19.109
-I don't know. I'm just pissed.
-Why?

1016
00:46:19.193 --> 00:46:20.944
-I don't wanna go home.
-Why not?

1017
00:46:21.028 --> 00:46:22.321
I think my house is haunted.

1018
00:46:22.988 --> 00:46:24.907
-Why's that?
-My wife is there.

1019
00:46:24.990 --> 00:46:26.992
[audience laughing]

1020
00:46:27.075 --> 00:46:30.370
Every time I walk in the door,
all I hear is, "Get out."

1021
00:46:30.454 --> 00:46:31.663
[audience laughing]

1022
00:46:32.247 --> 00:46:34.583
-You guys get in another argument?
-Oh yeah.

1023
00:46:34.666 --> 00:46:36.627
-On the phone, I hung up on her.
-That wasn't good.

1024
00:46:36.710 --> 00:46:39.880
I know. She called right back
and she goes, "Did you hang up on me?"

1025
00:46:39.963 --> 00:46:43.050
I said, "I don't know. Does it sound
something like this? 'Click.'"

1026
00:46:43.133 --> 00:46:45.511
[audience laughing]

1027
00:46:45.594 --> 00:46:49.389
-Bet that made her mad.
-Oh, I felt a disturbance in the Force.

1028
00:46:49.473 --> 00:46:52.434
-Your wife's a lovely woman.
-She's gettin' old.

1029
00:46:53.185 --> 00:46:55.354
Come on. Women age like… like fine wine.

1030
00:46:55.437 --> 00:46:56.855
She's aging like milk.

1031
00:46:56.939 --> 00:46:59.650
[audience laughing]

1032
00:46:59.733 --> 00:47:01.819
-How long you been married?
-Eleven years.

1033
00:47:01.902 --> 00:47:03.111
-You'll see.
-What?

1034
00:47:03.195 --> 00:47:05.572
Remember when you said,
"Till death do us part"?

1035
00:47:05.656 --> 00:47:06.657
Yeah.

1036
00:47:06.740 --> 00:47:09.201
Later, you realize
you're actually setting a goal.

1037
00:47:09.284 --> 00:47:10.577
[audience laughing]

1038
00:47:14.331 --> 00:47:16.667
-How long you been married?
-Forty-six years.

1039
00:47:16.750 --> 00:47:18.710
What was the happiest moment of your life?

1040
00:47:18.794 --> 00:47:20.546
Forty-seven years ago.

1041
00:47:20.629 --> 00:47:22.589
[audience laughing]

1042
00:47:23.423 --> 00:47:26.134
-So what's the secret to a happy marriage?
-Tupperware.

1043
00:47:26.218 --> 00:47:28.011
-Tupperware? Why's that?
-Yeah.

1044
00:47:28.095 --> 00:47:30.264
Lightweight, and it hurts less
when she hits you with it.

1045
00:47:30.347 --> 00:47:31.473
[audience laughing]

1046
00:47:32.057 --> 00:47:33.725
Your wife's supposed to be your soulmate.

1047
00:47:33.809 --> 00:47:35.394
More like my cellmate.

1048
00:47:35.477 --> 00:47:37.187
[audience laughing]

1049
00:47:37.271 --> 00:47:39.857
-How is the love life?
-At my age? Good God.

1050
00:47:40.482 --> 00:47:43.151
Come on. I had grandparents
who, well into their 80s,

1051
00:47:43.235 --> 00:47:44.236
were still having fun.

1052
00:47:44.319 --> 00:47:46.738
Their 80s? Good God.
What kind of sex is that?

1053
00:47:47.906 --> 00:47:50.742
"Was it good for you?" "I don't remember."

1054
00:47:50.826 --> 00:47:52.870
[audience laughing]

1055
00:47:52.953 --> 00:47:54.329
"Who are you?"

1056
00:47:55.414 --> 00:47:57.749
-No blue pill for you?
-Oh, are you kidding me?

1057
00:47:57.833 --> 00:47:59.585
That stuff's the work of the devil.

1058
00:47:59.668 --> 00:48:02.170
-It's supposed to help.
-It does. Not really, though.

1059
00:48:02.254 --> 00:48:05.591
Impotence is God's way
of helping a man like me

1060
00:48:05.674 --> 00:48:06.758
to just say no.

1061
00:48:08.468 --> 00:48:09.845
I will say, though,

1062
00:48:09.928 --> 00:48:12.764
Viagra does keep me
from rolling out of bed.

1063
00:48:14.349 --> 00:48:16.351
[audience laughing]

1064
00:48:18.729 --> 00:48:20.272
It's a kickstand joke!

1065
00:48:22.774 --> 00:48:25.527
So at your age, how do you
keep things fresh in the bedroom?

1066
00:48:25.611 --> 00:48:26.737
Febreze.

1067
00:48:26.820 --> 00:48:28.697
[audience laughing]

1068
00:48:29.698 --> 00:48:31.575
I thought making love got better with age.

1069
00:48:31.658 --> 00:48:33.619
Yeah, hang onto that dream, pal.

1070
00:48:34.703 --> 00:48:37.289
You know, I bet when you were younger,
you were quite a ladies' man.

1071
00:48:37.372 --> 00:48:39.917
Oh, I used to chase skirts
all over the world.

1072
00:48:40.000 --> 00:48:41.460
-Really?
-Till I got to Scotland.

1073
00:48:41.543 --> 00:48:43.295
And, boy, was I surprised.

1074
00:48:43.378 --> 00:48:44.796
[audience laughing]

1075
00:48:47.174 --> 00:48:49.843
-You got that new watch, didn't you?
-It's a Swatch.

1076
00:48:49.927 --> 00:48:51.595
What the hell's a Swatch?

1077
00:48:51.678 --> 00:48:54.431
I don't know.
A company in Switzerland invented watches,

1078
00:48:54.514 --> 00:48:55.724
so they called it the Swatch.

1079
00:48:55.807 --> 00:48:58.352
Oh. Good thing they weren't in Croatia.

1080
00:48:59.311 --> 00:49:01.063
[audience laughing]

1081
00:49:02.689 --> 00:49:05.442
"What time is it?" "I don't know.
Let me look at my 'cratch.'"

1082
00:49:06.610 --> 00:49:09.571
"Sorry I'm late.
My 'cratch' is a little slow."

1083
00:49:10.155 --> 00:49:12.407
"Yeah, it's like a Timex. It takes a--"

1084
00:49:12.491 --> 00:49:14.493
All right. Say good night, Walter.

1085
00:49:14.576 --> 00:49:16.703
You guys have been awesome.
Thanks for having us.

1086
00:49:16.787 --> 00:49:20.248
-That's Walter. There we go.
-[audience cheering and applauding]

1087
00:49:20.332 --> 00:49:23.669
[announcer] Let's have a big welcome
for Wanda Sykes.

1088
00:49:23.752 --> 00:49:25.754
[audience cheering and applauding]

1089
00:49:29.466 --> 00:49:31.093
Hello!

1090
00:49:35.263 --> 00:49:37.975
I see dates out.
I love when I see people out on dates.

1091
00:49:38.058 --> 00:49:40.310
You see a lot of women
hanging out together, men hanging--

1092
00:49:40.394 --> 00:49:41.645
You see that, don't you?

1093
00:49:41.728 --> 00:49:43.230
And you know why you see that?

1094
00:49:43.313 --> 00:49:46.233
'Cause men are getting cheap.
That's what's going on. Right, ladies?

1095
00:49:46.316 --> 00:49:48.902
-[women cheering]
-Guys are getting cheap.

1096
00:49:48.986 --> 00:49:52.489
Look, guys, I know the recession
is going on, but y'all are getting cheap.

1097
00:49:52.572 --> 00:49:53.865
They take you to the movies,

1098
00:49:53.949 --> 00:49:56.451
they don't buy you the popcorn
and the sodas anymore, do they?

1099
00:49:56.535 --> 00:49:59.287
Nooo, uh-uh. If the movie starts at 7:30,

1100
00:49:59.371 --> 00:50:02.666
they get you there by 7:29,
rush you past that concession stand.

1101
00:50:02.749 --> 00:50:05.335
[audience laughing]

1102
00:50:06.211 --> 00:50:07.671
Go to the movies!

1103
00:50:08.213 --> 00:50:12.134
Go to the movies, you can see women
losing shoe heels at the concession stand.

1104
00:50:12.217 --> 00:50:13.385
[audience laughing]

1105
00:50:13.468 --> 00:50:15.220
And once you get in the movie theater,

1106
00:50:15.303 --> 00:50:17.723
you gotta give him little hints
to let him know you're thirsty.

1107
00:50:17.806 --> 00:50:19.766
You're sitting in the movie theater
like this…

1108
00:50:21.059 --> 00:50:22.394
[makes choking sound]

1109
00:50:22.477 --> 00:50:24.146
[audience laughing]

1110
00:50:24.229 --> 00:50:25.313
[makes choking sound]

1111
00:50:25.397 --> 00:50:27.482
[audience laughing]

1112
00:50:28.358 --> 00:50:29.735
[in raspy voice] "Excuse me."

1113
00:50:29.818 --> 00:50:31.361
[audience laughing]

1114
00:50:31.445 --> 00:50:33.155
"Do you think
I can get something to drink?"

1115
00:50:33.238 --> 00:50:35.449
-[audience laughing]
-"I'm a little thirsty."

1116
00:50:35.949 --> 00:50:39.953
[in normal voice] He's like, "Oh yeah.
Hey, man. You finished with that drink?"

1117
00:50:40.037 --> 00:50:41.788
[audience laughing]

1118
00:50:41.872 --> 00:50:42.873
"She's thirsty."

1119
00:50:42.956 --> 00:50:45.167
[chill music playing]

1120
00:50:45.250 --> 00:50:48.837
[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Kevin Nealon!

1121
00:50:48.920 --> 00:50:52.424
[audience cheering and applauding]

1122
00:50:58.346 --> 00:51:00.182
I know, I know.

1123
00:51:00.265 --> 00:51:02.225
I know. Believe me, I know.

1124
00:51:02.309 --> 00:51:04.311
Thank you, thank you.

1125
00:51:04.978 --> 00:51:06.688
Well, thank you very much.

1126
00:51:07.314 --> 00:51:08.899
I have a lot of history with this club.

1127
00:51:08.982 --> 00:51:12.819
This is the first club I ever went to.
This was, like, back in the 1900s.

1128
00:51:12.903 --> 00:51:14.237
[audience laughing]

1129
00:51:14.321 --> 00:51:15.947
I'm serious, I'm serious.

1130
00:51:16.031 --> 00:51:18.366
And, I tell you, this was…

1131
00:51:18.450 --> 00:51:21.036
this was the first stage
I've ever been on,

1132
00:51:21.119 --> 00:51:22.746
and I remember my first heckler.

1133
00:51:22.829 --> 00:51:24.831
Oh, you gotta hear this. You got a minute?

1134
00:51:24.915 --> 00:51:26.249
-[audience laughing]
-Okay.

1135
00:51:26.333 --> 00:51:28.835
So, um, it was like a delayed heckle.

1136
00:51:29.669 --> 00:51:32.130
I left the club, I got home,

1137
00:51:32.214 --> 00:51:35.383
in my jacket,
somebody had stuffed an envelope,

1138
00:51:35.467 --> 00:51:37.636
and it said, "You suck."

1139
00:51:37.719 --> 00:51:40.222
"I'm gonna put a bullet
in your big, fat McHead."

1140
00:51:40.305 --> 00:51:41.556
[audience tittering]

1141
00:51:41.640 --> 00:51:45.519
I'm not kidding around. I swear to God.
I was terrified. I was like, you know…

1142
00:51:45.602 --> 00:51:48.063
And for the next week,
I was so paranoid, I'm asking everybody,

1143
00:51:48.146 --> 00:51:51.108
"You think I have a fat head?
You think it's fat?"

1144
00:51:51.191 --> 00:51:52.567
"I hope it's not fat."

1145
00:51:54.528 --> 00:51:57.489
But I even remember when the first time…
[in high voice] I remember when…

1146
00:51:58.406 --> 00:52:01.409
[in normal voice] How come your voice
goes up when you reminisce? People go…

1147
00:52:01.493 --> 00:52:04.538
[high-pitched] "Remember when I met you?"
[in normal voice] For some reason.

1148
00:52:05.038 --> 00:52:06.790
No matter how tough the guy is.

1149
00:52:06.873 --> 00:52:09.876
"Hey, Mack, thinkin' about the time we
worked at the steel mill in Pittsburgh."

1150
00:52:09.960 --> 00:52:13.171
[high-pitched] "Remember when we
beat the hell out of that trucker?"

1151
00:52:13.672 --> 00:52:16.258
[in normal voice] Even if they're speaking
a different language, you can tell.

1152
00:52:16.341 --> 00:52:18.760
[speaking gibberish]

1153
00:52:18.844 --> 00:52:20.846
[gibberish becomes high-pitched]

1154
00:52:22.806 --> 00:52:26.852
I like to remember… I have so many
moments in my life that stand out.

1155
00:52:26.935 --> 00:52:30.313
Like the first time I went skiing.
I didn't know anything about it.

1156
00:52:30.397 --> 00:52:32.607
I didn't know
they labeled the trails for difficulty.

1157
00:52:32.691 --> 00:52:35.068
You know what I mean?
Like the black diamonds for the steep,

1158
00:52:35.152 --> 00:52:38.280
the blues for the intermediate,
the greens for the easy.

1159
00:52:38.363 --> 00:52:41.074
I'm in the middle of Colorado,
and I pull into this convenience store.

1160
00:52:41.158 --> 00:52:42.868
I don't know where to ski.
So many mountains.

1161
00:52:42.951 --> 00:52:45.829
I said to the guy, "What's the best
mountain to go skiing on?"

1162
00:52:45.912 --> 00:52:49.040
He looks at me right in the eyes, goes,
"You know what? I like Copper Mountain."

1163
00:52:49.124 --> 00:52:51.585
"A lot of people don't like to ski there.
Afraid of the blacks."

1164
00:52:51.668 --> 00:52:53.170
I thought, "Oh, this guy's a racist."

1165
00:52:53.253 --> 00:52:54.212
[audience laughing]

1166
00:53:00.844 --> 00:53:02.053
And, uh…

1167
00:53:02.637 --> 00:53:05.807
But he said, "I don't mind the blacks.
I have a lot of fun with them."

1168
00:53:05.891 --> 00:53:08.518
"But they're all over the mountain.
They're everywhere, man."

1169
00:53:08.602 --> 00:53:10.729
"You can't get away from 'em. Seriously."

1170
00:53:11.354 --> 00:53:15.108
"And, uh, some of them,
not very well-groomed, by the way."

1171
00:53:15.192 --> 00:53:16.526
[audience laughing]

1172
00:53:16.610 --> 00:53:19.112
He said, "Yeah, my sister went down
on a black a couple years ago,

1173
00:53:19.196 --> 00:53:21.281
and she's never been the same."

1174
00:53:21.364 --> 00:53:24.075
[audience laughing]

1175
00:53:25.660 --> 00:53:28.830
"But," he said, "if you want the good
white powder, that's where you gotta go."

1176
00:53:28.914 --> 00:53:30.165
"That's where you gotta go."

1177
00:53:30.248 --> 00:53:33.001
Okay, well I'm not going
to Copper Mountain, that's for sure.

1178
00:53:33.084 --> 00:53:35.086
[audience laughing]

1179
00:53:37.172 --> 00:53:41.259
Probably my proudest memory
is when I had my son.

1180
00:53:41.343 --> 00:53:43.261
Um, I never thought that would happen,

1181
00:53:43.345 --> 00:53:47.098
but, you know,
my wife went and got pregnant, and uh…

1182
00:53:47.182 --> 00:53:49.559
-[audience laughing]
-No, seriously, she did.

1183
00:53:49.643 --> 00:53:51.937
Didn't care whether it was a boy
or a girl, as long as it had a penis.

1184
00:53:52.020 --> 00:53:54.731
That's all I cared about.
No, seriously, that's all I cared about.

1185
00:53:55.607 --> 00:53:57.234
And we get to the hospital,

1186
00:53:57.317 --> 00:53:59.152
and then the doctor comes in,

1187
00:53:59.236 --> 00:54:01.821
and she says,
"Hold up her left leg like this,"

1188
00:54:01.905 --> 00:54:04.324
which is how I'd gotten
into this position in the first place.

1189
00:54:04.407 --> 00:54:06.493
[audience laughing]

1190
00:54:06.576 --> 00:54:08.870
And, uh, she said, "Oh, look, look,

1191
00:54:08.954 --> 00:54:11.665
you can see the baby's head
coming out a little bit."

1192
00:54:11.748 --> 00:54:14.709
"Looks purplish, uh, green,
a little bit like that."

1193
00:54:14.793 --> 00:54:18.964
"Kinda like a big, fat McHead."
I said, "How do you know about that?"

1194
00:54:20.257 --> 00:54:22.259
And she said,
"Look, the whole head is out now."

1195
00:54:22.342 --> 00:54:23.843
"Wanna pull the rest of the baby out?"

1196
00:54:23.927 --> 00:54:25.887
No! I don't wanna pull
the rest of the baby out!

1197
00:54:25.971 --> 00:54:29.224
But I said, "Yeah, okay, okay."
'Cause I hate confrontation.

1198
00:54:29.307 --> 00:54:31.893
So I'm pulling on it. It's not coming out.

1199
00:54:32.519 --> 00:54:34.437
The neck is just elongating.

1200
00:54:34.521 --> 00:54:37.399
I told her, I said, "I'm afraid
I'm gonna rip the baby's head off."

1201
00:54:37.899 --> 00:54:39.901
She said, "You're not gonna
rip the baby's head off."

1202
00:54:39.985 --> 00:54:41.903
I said, "If I do,
I'm gonna be angry at you."

1203
00:54:42.779 --> 00:54:45.490
So I got it in a headlock,
and I finally pulled it out.

1204
00:54:45.573 --> 00:54:46.950
It popped right out of there.

1205
00:54:47.033 --> 00:54:47.993
[audience laughing]

1206
00:54:48.076 --> 00:54:50.662
And the first thing I saw
was it had a penis,

1207
00:54:50.745 --> 00:54:54.624
and it's the only time I've ever
been excited to see a penis in my life.

1208
00:54:54.708 --> 00:54:56.960
-[audience laughing]
-It really is.

1209
00:54:57.711 --> 00:55:00.213
And then the doctor goes,
"You wanna cut the umbilical cord?"

1210
00:55:00.297 --> 00:55:03.341
And I'm thinking, "Jesus!
Doesn't anybody wanna work around here?"

1211
00:55:04.092 --> 00:55:05.927
"Why do I have to do everything?"

1212
00:55:07.304 --> 00:55:09.472
"Why don't you come to our house?
You can cut our grass."

1213
00:55:10.181 --> 00:55:13.018
So I didn't care.
I took the scissors and snip, snip,

1214
00:55:13.101 --> 00:55:16.896
and, you know, in hindsight,
it was really a great experience.

1215
00:55:16.980 --> 00:55:18.982
In fact, two hours later,
I went across the hall,

1216
00:55:19.065 --> 00:55:20.483
I delivered two more babies.

1217
00:55:20.567 --> 00:55:22.569
[audience laughing]

1218
00:55:22.652 --> 00:55:23.987
And a C-section…

1219
00:55:24.070 --> 00:55:25.655
[audience laughing]

1220
00:55:25.739 --> 00:55:28.241
…which I kinda botched,
but it was a good experience.

1221
00:55:28.325 --> 00:55:29.576
Good experience.

1222
00:55:30.493 --> 00:55:32.162
Well, I gotta tell you, man, uh,

1223
00:55:32.245 --> 00:55:34.497
I really enjoyed being here tonight,
pain in the ass,

1224
00:55:34.581 --> 00:55:36.374
because you, as an audience,

1225
00:55:36.458 --> 00:55:39.044
uh, I mean,
you are so energetic, coked up,

1226
00:55:39.127 --> 00:55:41.504
and I like that about you guys. I do.

1227
00:55:41.588 --> 00:55:43.506
I wish I could hang out
for the rest of the show,

1228
00:55:43.590 --> 00:55:45.592
but gotta visit
a friend in the hospital, strip club,

1229
00:55:45.675 --> 00:55:48.720
and, you know,
because… that's what I do, you know?

1230
00:55:48.803 --> 00:55:51.973
Titty bar? That's what I like to do.
I like being around that stuff.

1231
00:55:52.849 --> 00:55:57.395
But anyway, um, you're gonna enjoy
the rest of the night tonight, not really,

1232
00:55:57.479 --> 00:55:58.355
and, um…

1233
00:55:58.438 --> 00:55:59.397
[audience laughing]

1234
00:55:59.481 --> 00:56:01.483
And I think you're gonna
have a fun time. Fat chance.

1235
00:56:01.566 --> 00:56:04.235
So thanks for coming tonight.
Enjoy the rest of the show. Thank you.

1236
00:56:04.861 --> 00:56:07.572
Thank you very much.
I appreciate it. Thank you.

1237
00:56:08.198 --> 00:56:11.034
[announcer] Let's have a big hand
right now for Margaret Cho.

1238
00:56:11.117 --> 00:56:14.704
[audience cheering and applauding]

1239
00:56:25.131 --> 00:56:29.135
I was recently featured on this show
that had international comedians,

1240
00:56:29.219 --> 00:56:31.805
and they chose me
'cause I'm so very international.

1241
00:56:31.888 --> 00:56:33.640
And they had a real problem with me

1242
00:56:33.723 --> 00:56:35.934
because I look this way,
but I talk this way.

1243
00:56:36.017 --> 00:56:38.019
[audience laughing]

1244
00:56:40.188 --> 00:56:42.440
There's a problem.
They're trying to be sensitive about it.

1245
00:56:42.524 --> 00:56:45.568
They're like, "Margaret, we don't want you
to take this the wrong way,

1246
00:56:45.652 --> 00:56:48.780
but could you be a little bit more,
oh, I don't know, Chinese?"

1247
00:56:48.863 --> 00:56:50.407
[audience laughing]

1248
00:56:50.490 --> 00:56:53.243
[scattered applause]

1249
00:56:53.326 --> 00:56:55.120
"Um, actually, I'm Korean."

1250
00:56:55.203 --> 00:56:56.579
"Well, whatever."

1251
00:56:56.663 --> 00:56:58.665
[audience laughing]

1252
00:56:58.748 --> 00:57:00.792
And I was supposed to go on this show
and tell jokes.

1253
00:57:00.875 --> 00:57:02.335
What was I supposed to do?

1254
00:57:02.419 --> 00:57:04.629
[in Korean accent]
Oh, my husband is so fat…

1255
00:57:04.712 --> 00:57:07.090
[raucous laughter]

1256
00:57:07.173 --> 00:57:09.175
[audience cheering and applauding]

1257
00:57:12.053 --> 00:57:14.222
…that when he sit around the [indistinct]…

1258
00:57:14.305 --> 00:57:15.849
[raucous laughter]

1259
00:57:15.932 --> 00:57:17.934
…he really sit around the [indistinct]."

1260
00:57:18.017 --> 00:57:20.437
[raucous laughter]

1261
00:57:20.520 --> 00:57:21.855
[chill music playing]

1262
00:57:23.857 --> 00:57:27.318
[announcer] Please welcome Craig Robinson!

1263
00:57:27.402 --> 00:57:29.279
[audience cheering and applauding]

1264
00:57:39.664 --> 00:57:40.582
[piano note plays]

1265
00:57:41.374 --> 00:57:42.459
[Craig clears throat]

1266
00:57:44.210 --> 00:57:48.673
Um, I'm drinking… water this evening,
as you can see.

1267
00:57:48.756 --> 00:57:51.342
My girlfriend and I are in a challenge

1268
00:57:51.426 --> 00:57:55.138
where, if I drink alcohol again,
she's gonna leave the relationship.

1269
00:57:55.221 --> 00:57:56.473
[audience laughing]

1270
00:58:04.397 --> 00:58:05.315
[piano note plays]

1271
00:58:07.275 --> 00:58:09.360
[gentle melody playing]

1272
00:58:10.069 --> 00:58:15.408
[loud, off-key warbling]

1273
00:58:19.412 --> 00:58:21.414
I was watching my favorite movie,

1274
00:58:22.665 --> 00:58:25.043
which is… Inception.

1275
00:58:26.669 --> 00:58:28.421
It's amazing. It's just…

1276
00:58:28.505 --> 00:58:30.507
Every time they went to sleep,
I went to sleep.

1277
00:58:32.550 --> 00:58:35.929
I said, "Ooh, another nap?
Ooh, yes!" [moans happily]

1278
00:58:36.012 --> 00:58:37.347
"Fuck yeah!"

1279
00:58:37.430 --> 00:58:39.432
[audience laughing]

1280
00:58:39.933 --> 00:58:41.184
[glissando playing]

1281
00:58:42.393 --> 00:58:44.729
[playing Bon Jovi's "Livin' On a Prayer"]

1282
00:58:50.276 --> 00:58:52.570
Somethin' real dramatic.

1283
00:58:52.654 --> 00:58:54.656
[audience chuckling]

1284
00:58:57.534 --> 00:58:59.827
[gruffly]
♪ Tommy used to work on the docks ♪

1285
00:59:00.370 --> 00:59:02.580
[audience laughing]

1286
00:59:07.835 --> 00:59:09.295
♪ Oh Lord ♪

1287
00:59:12.090 --> 00:59:14.092
[singing lyrics indistinctly]

1288
00:59:16.177 --> 00:59:19.180
[audience singing lyrics indistinctly]

1289
00:59:25.853 --> 00:59:26.688
♪ She gotta ♪

1290
00:59:26.771 --> 00:59:29.399
[audience] ♪ Hold on to what… ♪

1291
00:59:29.482 --> 00:59:32.193
-[Craig yelling gruffly]
-[pounding on piano]

1292
00:59:33.570 --> 00:59:34.487
That's how I come.

1293
00:59:34.571 --> 00:59:37.073
-[yelling gruffly] Fuck!
-[pounding on piano]

1294
00:59:37.156 --> 00:59:38.575
Fuck you! Fuck you!

1295
00:59:38.658 --> 00:59:41.536
[audience laughing and cheering]

1296
00:59:50.628 --> 00:59:54.465
[playing "Clair de Lune" gently]

1297
01:00:05.685 --> 01:00:07.687
If you're here with your lady right now…

1298
01:00:07.770 --> 01:00:10.523
[continues playing "Claire de Lune"]

1299
01:00:11.566 --> 01:00:13.860
…reach over and tickle her pussy
a little bit right now.

1300
01:00:13.943 --> 01:00:15.945
[audience laughing]

1301
01:00:18.197 --> 01:00:19.532
Whisper in her ear.

1302
01:00:21.409 --> 01:00:22.785
"That's from Craig."

1303
01:00:23.286 --> 01:00:24.829
[audience laughing]

1304
01:00:27.540 --> 01:00:29.083
♪ Let me tickle that pussy ♪

1305
01:00:32.420 --> 01:00:33.296
Oh man.

1306
01:00:34.589 --> 01:00:36.591
Oh! This-- this AI.

1307
01:00:37.467 --> 01:00:38.843
It's out of control.

1308
01:00:38.926 --> 01:00:41.179
-[audience laughing]
-Where's your phone, sir?

1309
01:00:41.929 --> 01:00:43.556
You got your phone?
Anybody got your phone?

1310
01:00:44.307 --> 01:00:47.060
You couldn't use your phone?
You got anything? It doesn't matter.

1311
01:00:47.143 --> 01:00:49.228
Here, hand it up. Watch this, watch this.

1312
01:00:51.856 --> 01:00:53.650
Look at that. Didn't touch it.

1313
01:00:53.733 --> 01:00:56.944
I want you to check this out.
Three, two, one.

1314
01:01:00.281 --> 01:01:01.908
Just AirDropped you a dick pick.

1315
01:01:01.991 --> 01:01:04.035
[audience laughing]

1316
01:01:09.207 --> 01:01:12.293
Oh, wait.
It says "file too large." [muttering]

1317
01:01:12.377 --> 01:01:15.129
[chuckles] Have a good night, everybody.
Thank you so much.

1318
01:01:15.213 --> 01:01:16.547
I love you, Improv.

1319
01:01:16.631 --> 01:01:19.717
-[audience cheering and applauding]
-[chill music playing]

1320
01:01:19.801 --> 01:01:21.969
[announcer] Here's Norm Macdonald.

1321
01:01:22.053 --> 01:01:24.764
[audience cheering and applauding]

1322
01:01:27.100 --> 01:01:29.352
Ahh. All right, thanks.

1323
01:01:29.435 --> 01:01:31.688
I bit my tongue today. You ever do that?

1324
01:01:31.771 --> 01:01:33.231
[audience laughing]

1325
01:01:33.314 --> 01:01:35.316
Man, that hurts, huh? Holy cow.

1326
01:01:35.400 --> 01:01:38.903
Now I got a big purply-pink thing
on the side of my tongue in there,

1327
01:01:38.986 --> 01:01:42.532
and, uh, very embarrassing
biting your tongue, you know?

1328
01:01:42.615 --> 01:01:45.159
You'll just be walking down
the street minding your own business.

1329
01:01:45.243 --> 01:01:47.453
♪ Doodly doo, doodly doo ♪

1330
01:01:47.537 --> 01:01:48.705
♪ Doodly doo-- ♪ Ow!

1331
01:01:48.788 --> 01:01:50.790
[audience laughing]

1332
01:01:53.501 --> 01:01:55.294
You have everybody looking at you there,

1333
01:01:55.378 --> 01:02:00.341
and… you feel ashamed, you know?
You're ashamed that you bit your tongue.

1334
01:02:00.425 --> 01:02:02.218
People go,
"Hey, what's the matter over there?"

1335
01:02:02.301 --> 01:02:04.137
You go, "Oh…" [laughs awkwardly]

1336
01:02:04.220 --> 01:02:05.596
[audience laughing]

1337
01:02:06.389 --> 01:02:07.682
"My uncle's sick."

1338
01:02:07.765 --> 01:02:09.559
[audience laughing]

1339
01:02:09.642 --> 01:02:11.644
"I didn't bite my tongue,
if that's what you think."

1340
01:02:11.728 --> 01:02:13.062
[audience laughing]

1341
01:02:13.146 --> 01:02:14.313
"It's my uncle."

1342
01:02:15.773 --> 01:02:18.401
So, I'm surprised I don't bite my tongue
all the time, actually,

1343
01:02:18.484 --> 01:02:19.861
'cause I got so many teeth.

1344
01:02:19.944 --> 01:02:22.155
I got 50, 100 teeth. Something like that.

1345
01:02:22.238 --> 01:02:25.575
And they're all right around
my tongue there, you know?

1346
01:02:25.658 --> 01:02:27.577
[audience laughing]

1347
01:02:27.660 --> 01:02:28.953
They don't get out much.

1348
01:02:29.036 --> 01:02:29.954
And, uh…

1349
01:02:31.289 --> 01:02:33.458
and they'll bite anything.
They don't care.

1350
01:02:34.167 --> 01:02:36.169
Could be pork, could be my tongue.

1351
01:02:38.629 --> 01:02:41.174
Got too many teeth, that's the problem.
How many teeth do you need?

1352
01:02:41.257 --> 01:02:42.341
Five, six?

1353
01:02:42.425 --> 01:02:43.509
[audience laughing]

1354
01:02:43.593 --> 01:02:46.095
You can get along with that.
You can eat a sandwich with that.

1355
01:02:46.637 --> 01:02:48.765
But a lot of them,
you don't even know what they're for.

1356
01:02:48.848 --> 01:02:51.559
I got two big fangs
sprouting out of my gums over here.

1357
01:02:51.642 --> 01:02:52.935
[audience laughing]

1358
01:02:53.019 --> 01:02:55.813
The hell use are they? You don't
need fangs. You're a civilized person.

1359
01:02:55.897 --> 01:03:00.276
You don't need to… rip the throat
out of a gazelle to get a meal anymore.

1360
01:03:00.359 --> 01:03:01.486
[audience laughing]

1361
01:03:01.569 --> 01:03:03.446
[chill music playing]

1362
01:03:08.576 --> 01:03:11.829
[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Whitney Cummings!

1363
01:03:11.913 --> 01:03:14.081
[audience cheering and applauding]

1364
01:03:17.794 --> 01:03:18.711
Hi!

1365
01:03:19.295 --> 01:03:20.338
Wow!

1366
01:03:21.172 --> 01:03:22.215
Thank you!

1367
01:03:22.840 --> 01:03:25.301
Come on. You guys are awesome.

1368
01:03:26.469 --> 01:03:28.763
So, uh, I am pregnant.

1369
01:03:28.846 --> 01:03:30.515
I am six months pregnant.

1370
01:03:30.598 --> 01:03:33.059
-[audience cheering]
-Thank you.

1371
01:03:33.601 --> 01:03:36.270
I just found out I'm having a boy baby.

1372
01:03:36.354 --> 01:03:39.190
Um… Oh, you believe in gender.

1373
01:03:39.273 --> 01:03:41.234
-[gasps] Toxic!
-[audience laughing]

1374
01:03:42.109 --> 01:03:44.403
I feel like I cannot ask
women in Los Angeles

1375
01:03:44.487 --> 01:03:46.989
the gender of their baby.
I'm worried I'll get in trouble.

1376
01:03:47.073 --> 01:03:49.033
I'll see a pregnant woman,
I'm like, "Boy or girl?"

1377
01:03:49.116 --> 01:03:51.494
They're like, "Uh, Whitney."
[exaggerated scoff]

1378
01:03:51.577 --> 01:03:53.246
[audience laughing]

1379
01:03:53.329 --> 01:03:56.207
"The baby will tell us its gender

1380
01:03:56.791 --> 01:03:59.168
when it's three days old."

1381
01:04:00.127 --> 01:04:02.547
I'm like, "Damn, okay."
That's over my head.

1382
01:04:02.630 --> 01:04:04.257
The kids and gender thing,

1383
01:04:04.340 --> 01:04:06.509
that seems like
some rich-person shit to me.

1384
01:04:06.592 --> 01:04:08.803
I… I grew up poor.

1385
01:04:08.886 --> 01:04:10.429
Um, when you grow up poor,

1386
01:04:10.513 --> 01:04:13.558
you're whatever gender
your older sibling was.

1387
01:04:13.641 --> 01:04:15.184
[audience laughing]

1388
01:04:15.268 --> 01:04:19.313
I wore a hockey jersey to school
till I was, like, 12, okay?

1389
01:04:19.397 --> 01:04:22.108
I identified as a goalie.

1390
01:04:22.191 --> 01:04:23.317
Um…

1391
01:04:23.401 --> 01:04:25.403
[audience laughing]

1392
01:04:25.945 --> 01:04:29.907
Nobody told me that when you get pregnant,
you can't get Botox, which is upsetting.

1393
01:04:29.991 --> 01:04:32.869
I'm not trying to look
like a young pregnant lady or anything,

1394
01:04:32.952 --> 01:04:34.328
I just date men in LA,

1395
01:04:34.412 --> 01:04:37.748
so I have to get Botox so I look
interested in what they're saying.

1396
01:04:37.832 --> 01:04:40.084
[audience laughing]

1397
01:04:40.167 --> 01:04:41.919
I have to be like, "Cool!"

1398
01:04:42.962 --> 01:04:47.008
"Yeah, please tell me more
about how, on your ayahuasca journey,

1399
01:04:47.091 --> 01:04:49.719
you had an epiphany
that you're polyamorous."

1400
01:04:49.802 --> 01:04:51.137
"Cool."

1401
01:04:51.220 --> 01:04:52.680
[audience laughing]

1402
01:04:52.763 --> 01:04:56.350
"Oh yeah, please elaborate on how
you go to Burning Man a week early,

1403
01:04:56.434 --> 01:04:57.643
but don't vote."

1404
01:04:57.727 --> 01:04:58.936
"Awesome!"

1405
01:04:59.020 --> 01:05:00.271
[audience laughing]

1406
01:05:00.354 --> 01:05:03.482
"Yeah, I'd love to see your tattoo
that says 'Breathe.'"

1407
01:05:03.566 --> 01:05:06.611
[audience laughing]

1408
01:05:07.737 --> 01:05:11.407
"Mmm! Please, continue that lecture
about how you won't eat pussy

1409
01:05:11.490 --> 01:05:13.618
'cause it's not a 'complete protein.'"

1410
01:05:13.701 --> 01:05:15.494
[audience laughing]

1411
01:05:18.497 --> 01:05:21.417
When did men
start saying "complete protein"?

1412
01:05:21.500 --> 01:05:24.503
What is this-- Guys, now,
you guys work out all the time,

1413
01:05:24.587 --> 01:05:26.547
you all look like Popeye for no reason?

1414
01:05:27.298 --> 01:05:30.343
You're all doing-- What is happening?
Why do your shoulders look like that?

1415
01:05:30.426 --> 01:05:33.554
I don't understand.
Why are you guys working out so much?

1416
01:05:33.638 --> 01:05:36.474
Is it so in case you run into Joe Rogan,
in your mind, he's gonna be like,

1417
01:05:36.557 --> 01:05:38.434
"Hey, man. Cool body."

1418
01:05:38.517 --> 01:05:40.853
[audience laughing]

1419
01:05:40.937 --> 01:05:44.190
Like, it's just-- All men now.
I don't know. What are you training for?

1420
01:05:44.273 --> 01:05:46.067
I don't know how to break it
to my guy friends.

1421
01:05:46.150 --> 01:05:48.694
No one's drafting you.
Like, that's-- They don't…

1422
01:05:49.362 --> 01:05:53.366
They don't need you on the team.
Like, what are you guys up to?

1423
01:05:53.449 --> 01:05:57.119
You're like, "We gotta get in shape
to go to war in the YouTube comments."

1424
01:05:57.203 --> 01:05:59.205
Like, where are-- What's it all for?

1425
01:05:59.288 --> 01:06:00.289
[audience laughing]

1426
01:06:00.373 --> 01:06:02.833
It's not even athletes. It's just all men.

1427
01:06:02.917 --> 01:06:06.337
I don't need my Enterprise Rent-A-Car guy
to be in ketosis.

1428
01:06:06.420 --> 01:06:09.090
Like, why are you-- You stink.

1429
01:06:09.173 --> 01:06:12.009
Why does my TSA guy have cauliflower ear?

1430
01:06:12.093 --> 01:06:13.928
Like, dude, you're bleeding.

1431
01:06:14.011 --> 01:06:16.222
[audience laughing]

1432
01:06:17.556 --> 01:06:19.433
The guy I'm dating, he does CrossFit.

1433
01:06:19.517 --> 01:06:21.852
He wakes up at 6:00 a.m.
to practice a bunch of skills

1434
01:06:21.936 --> 01:06:24.063
no one's needed for 2,000 years.

1435
01:06:24.146 --> 01:06:26.816
[audience laughing]

1436
01:06:26.899 --> 01:06:30.403
He comes in, he's like,
"Hey, I just pushed a tire up a sand dune…

1437
01:06:31.070 --> 01:06:32.154
forty-two times."

1438
01:06:32.238 --> 01:06:33.781
I'm like, "Cool."

1439
01:06:33.864 --> 01:06:37.243
"Can you just get this printer
to print at any point?"

1440
01:06:37.326 --> 01:06:39.203
[audience laughing]

1441
01:06:39.954 --> 01:06:42.206
He'll be on his phone in bed
for, like, hours.

1442
01:06:42.289 --> 01:06:44.208
Just on his phone,
and I'll start to get jealous.

1443
01:06:44.291 --> 01:06:47.253
I'm like, "Maybe he's looking
at a fitness model lady,

1444
01:06:47.336 --> 01:06:50.172
or porn with women with abs or something,"

1445
01:06:50.256 --> 01:06:52.508
and, uh… and I'll get jealous,
and I'll snap.

1446
01:06:52.591 --> 01:06:54.218
I'll be like,
"Hey, what are you watching?"

1447
01:06:54.301 --> 01:06:57.346
He'll be like…
"David Goggins' morning routine."

1448
01:06:57.847 --> 01:06:59.849
[audience laughing]

1449
01:06:59.932 --> 01:07:02.893
I'm like, "So you're watching
another man exercise?"

1450
01:07:02.977 --> 01:07:04.478
"I don't know what to do with that."

1451
01:07:04.562 --> 01:07:08.733
"Why can't you just cheat on me
like a normal fucking guy?"

1452
01:07:09.400 --> 01:07:11.986
Don't know what to do with the fact
that you're emotionally invested

1453
01:07:12.069 --> 01:07:14.071
in another man's legs.

1454
01:07:14.155 --> 01:07:15.740
[audience laughing]

1455
01:07:15.823 --> 01:07:18.868
But he's obsessed with David Goggins,
and I wanna be supportive of it,

1456
01:07:18.951 --> 01:07:21.787
so every now and then during sex,
I'll yell, "Stay hard!"

1457
01:07:21.871 --> 01:07:23.080
[audience laughing]

1458
01:07:23.164 --> 01:07:24.582
He loves it.

1459
01:07:28.961 --> 01:07:31.547
I feel I used to understand men.
I used to understand you guys.

1460
01:07:31.630 --> 01:07:33.674
There used to be
two kinds of guys, remember?

1461
01:07:33.758 --> 01:07:34.759
There were two categories.

1462
01:07:34.842 --> 01:07:36.927
There were jocks, and there were nerds.

1463
01:07:37.011 --> 01:07:39.013
And recently, you guys merged…

1464
01:07:39.096 --> 01:07:40.890
[audience laughing]

1465
01:07:40.973 --> 01:07:42.183
…into the same guy.

1466
01:07:42.266 --> 01:07:44.351
You're now just one giant super dork.

1467
01:07:45.061 --> 01:07:46.437
[audience laughing]

1468
01:07:47.354 --> 01:07:49.398
And all you eat is steamed chicken,

1469
01:07:50.566 --> 01:07:52.943
and you wanna talk about,
like, bro science?

1470
01:07:53.027 --> 01:07:56.530
All of a sudden, you wanna talk about,
like, the biological basis

1471
01:07:56.614 --> 01:07:58.574
for what happened in tribal times.

1472
01:07:58.657 --> 01:08:00.826
[audience laughing]

1473
01:08:00.910 --> 01:08:04.622
And every lecture always leads
to why you should be able to cheat on us.

1474
01:08:04.705 --> 01:08:07.917
Like, always… It's always like, you know…

1475
01:08:08.000 --> 01:08:10.169
[audience laughing]

1476
01:08:10.252 --> 01:08:13.005
"Technically,
monogamy's not natural, you know."

1477
01:08:13.089 --> 01:08:15.591
[audience laughing]

1478
01:08:15.674 --> 01:08:18.094
"Because, you know, in tribal times,

1479
01:08:18.177 --> 01:08:21.305
we evolved to have penises
that are curved…"

1480
01:08:21.388 --> 01:08:22.765
[audience laughing]

1481
01:08:22.848 --> 01:08:26.644
"…to scoop out the semen
of the competitor, so…"

1482
01:08:26.727 --> 01:08:29.021
[audience laughing]

1483
01:08:31.774 --> 01:08:34.985
"Technically, I am supposed
to be out there fuckin' and scoopin'

1484
01:08:35.069 --> 01:08:37.780
and fuckin' and scoopin'
and fuckin' and scoopin'."

1485
01:08:39.115 --> 01:08:40.241
"But, uh…

1486
01:08:41.325 --> 01:08:42.868
guess I'm just here with you."

1487
01:08:42.952 --> 01:08:44.495
[audience laughing]

1488
01:08:44.578 --> 01:08:46.330
You're like,
"Okay, let me get this straight."

1489
01:08:46.413 --> 01:08:51.085
"So, you don't believe in monogamy,
but you do believe in invisible money?"

1490
01:08:51.919 --> 01:08:54.255
[audience laughing]

1491
01:08:54.338 --> 01:08:57.800
I know. This is always very upsetting
to the men in shorts. Um…

1492
01:08:57.883 --> 01:08:59.677
[audience laughing]

1493
01:09:00.719 --> 01:09:03.264
But here's the thing.
I don't think we're doing crypto.

1494
01:09:03.347 --> 01:09:06.016
I don't think
the crypto thing is happening.

1495
01:09:06.100 --> 01:09:08.894
No one thought
the timing of crypto was a little shady?

1496
01:09:08.978 --> 01:09:13.023
As soon as women started making money,
guys were like, "Ah, money's over."

1497
01:09:13.107 --> 01:09:14.400
[audience laughing]

1498
01:09:15.151 --> 01:09:16.694
[groans sympathetically]

1499
01:09:18.070 --> 01:09:21.365
I'm like, "No, I just started
making money. I made this money."

1500
01:09:21.448 --> 01:09:23.409
"Yeah, sorry, sweetheart."

1501
01:09:23.492 --> 01:09:25.995
"That's gonna be toilet paper
in a couple years."

1502
01:09:26.078 --> 01:09:29.707
"Money is now an invisible code
in the sky. Good luck finding it, bitch."

1503
01:09:29.790 --> 01:09:31.000
Like, what?

1504
01:09:31.584 --> 01:09:34.128
I still cannot get a guy
to explain crypto to me.

1505
01:09:34.211 --> 01:09:37.089
As far as I understand,
it's just astrology for men.

1506
01:09:37.173 --> 01:09:38.132
I don't…

1507
01:09:38.215 --> 01:09:41.260
[audience laughing and cheering]

1508
01:09:41.343 --> 01:09:44.471
You guys'll be like,
"Yeah, my Ethereum coin is in retrograde."

1509
01:09:44.555 --> 01:09:47.641
I'm like, "Am I paying for dinner or not?"

1510
01:09:47.725 --> 01:09:49.518
"Like, I can't understand…"

1511
01:09:50.644 --> 01:09:53.230
I'm very serious
about being up-to-date on the news,

1512
01:09:53.314 --> 01:09:54.523
as long as it's free.

1513
01:09:55.649 --> 01:09:58.569
Anyone else hit one paywall,
and you're just fucking out?

1514
01:09:58.652 --> 01:09:59.904
[audience laughing]

1515
01:09:59.987 --> 01:10:03.073
The headline will be like,
"Are We Going to Nuclear War with China?"

1516
01:10:03.157 --> 01:10:05.075
I'm like, "Holy shit! Are we?"

1517
01:10:05.659 --> 01:10:06.827
"Two dollars…"

1518
01:10:06.911 --> 01:10:08.537
[audience laughing]

1519
01:10:08.621 --> 01:10:11.749
"…for 18 years
of The Wall Street Journal?"

1520
01:10:11.832 --> 01:10:14.668
"Get the fuck out of here with that shit."

1521
01:10:14.752 --> 01:10:15.753
[scattered applause]

1522
01:10:15.836 --> 01:10:19.798
I'll wait till Alex Jones tweets it
for free, like a real journalist.

1523
01:10:19.882 --> 01:10:20.966
[audience laughing]

1524
01:10:21.050 --> 01:10:24.887
[Whitney chuckles] You guys are awesome.
Thanks for coming out to the show.

1525
01:10:24.970 --> 01:10:28.432
-What an honor. Thank you.
-[audience cheering and applauding]

1526
01:10:28.515 --> 01:10:30.643
[chill music playing]

1527
01:10:30.726 --> 01:10:32.853
-How are you?
-[indistinct responses]

1528
01:10:32.937 --> 01:10:36.649
This is, like, a… very well-groomed crowd.

1529
01:10:36.732 --> 01:10:40.152
You know? Really, look at all
the brush marks in everybody's hair.

1530
01:10:40.236 --> 01:10:41.779
[audience laughing]

1531
01:10:41.862 --> 01:10:44.114
Ever have a friend
staying over at your house, and…

1532
01:10:44.615 --> 01:10:46.867
they go in the shower,
then you go in a couple hours later,

1533
01:10:46.951 --> 01:10:49.453
and one of their little hairs
is stuck on the wall of the shower?

1534
01:10:49.536 --> 01:10:50.496
[audience laughing]

1535
01:10:50.579 --> 01:10:52.957
And you wanna get rid of it,
but you don't wanna touch it.

1536
01:10:53.040 --> 01:10:54.708
[audience laughing]

1537
01:10:54.792 --> 01:10:56.669
You try and ignore it.
You're taking your shower,

1538
01:10:56.752 --> 01:10:59.255
you're looking at the hair,
it's looking at you. Can't ignore it.

1539
01:10:59.338 --> 01:11:01.882
You know it's there, it knows
you're there. Have to do something.

1540
01:11:01.966 --> 01:11:04.510
And we all respond
in the same way, probably.

1541
01:11:04.593 --> 01:11:06.971
First, take the shower head,
aim it at the hair.

1542
01:11:07.054 --> 01:11:09.056
[audience laughing]

1543
01:11:13.185 --> 01:11:14.144
Never works.

1544
01:11:14.228 --> 01:11:17.564
You always have to get a pool of water
from under the shower, walk to the hair…

1545
01:11:17.648 --> 01:11:19.400
[audience laughing]

1546
01:11:19.483 --> 01:11:21.694
…and get it down
a foot at a time, like this.

1547
01:11:21.777 --> 01:11:22.945
[audience laughing]

1548
01:11:23.028 --> 01:11:25.489
"It's moving down.
I'll be all right in a second."

1549
01:11:26.573 --> 01:11:28.158
But you don't have to touch it.

1550
01:11:28.242 --> 01:11:31.745
[audience applauding]

1551
01:11:32.955 --> 01:11:35.833
[chill music playing]

1552
01:11:38.377 --> 01:11:41.463
[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Jo Koy!

1553
01:11:41.547 --> 01:11:44.008
[audience cheering and applauding]

1554
01:11:50.472 --> 01:11:51.515
Yes.

1555
01:11:52.349 --> 01:11:53.350
Thank you.

1556
01:11:55.436 --> 01:11:57.563
-[scattered cheering]
-I love it.

1557
01:11:59.356 --> 01:12:00.733
So…

1558
01:12:01.734 --> 01:12:07.239
So, uh… this is-- this is the dream gig
for every comic, right? So…

1559
01:12:07.323 --> 01:12:10.367
I… I wanted to play The Improv…

1560
01:12:10.451 --> 01:12:12.619
This is how old I am.
I'm gonna say my age, and it sucks.

1561
01:12:12.703 --> 01:12:15.414
I'm gonna make a reference. No one's
gonna know what I'm talking about.

1562
01:12:15.497 --> 01:12:19.084
It was on A&E's Evening at The Improv,
which was basically…

1563
01:12:19.168 --> 01:12:21.128
[scattered cheering and applause]

1564
01:12:21.211 --> 01:12:24.298
Which was basically
the internet for people my age.

1565
01:12:24.381 --> 01:12:25.966
[audience laughing]

1566
01:12:26.050 --> 01:12:28.302
You know what I mean?
Nothing works, 'cause my son's 20,

1567
01:12:28.385 --> 01:12:31.513
so every time I make
a reference to my age, he's like, "What?"

1568
01:12:31.597 --> 01:12:33.807
It sucks, 'cause I'm at that age now.

1569
01:12:33.891 --> 01:12:35.642
I just had a bunion removed, and…

1570
01:12:35.726 --> 01:12:37.519
[audience laughing]

1571
01:12:37.603 --> 01:12:40.731
Like, a bunion! Like, I don't know
if you saw when I walked up,

1572
01:12:40.814 --> 01:12:42.775
like, I wasn't trying to be cool.

1573
01:12:42.858 --> 01:12:46.945
-It was… my fucking left foot, done.
-[audience laughing]

1574
01:12:47.529 --> 01:12:48.614
Shot.

1575
01:12:48.697 --> 01:12:51.325
Fucking toe is chilling on the other toes…

1576
01:12:51.408 --> 01:12:52.451
[audience laughing]

1577
01:12:52.534 --> 01:12:53.994
It'll be like, my fucking--

1578
01:12:54.078 --> 01:12:57.164
My left big toe
is laying on the other toes, like…

1579
01:12:57.748 --> 01:12:59.625
Like, "You guys walk. We're good."

1580
01:12:59.708 --> 01:13:01.835
-And it was chillin'.
-[audience laughing]

1581
01:13:01.919 --> 01:13:05.339
And then it grew…
it grew a fucking… another bone.

1582
01:13:06.131 --> 01:13:07.049
Another bone.

1583
01:13:07.132 --> 01:13:10.469
So I had to cut that bone, shave it down,

1584
01:13:10.552 --> 01:13:14.098
and then they cut it in half
and put it together, and screw it.

1585
01:13:14.181 --> 01:13:16.809
That was two months ago, okay?

1586
01:13:17.768 --> 01:13:18.852
Fucking hurts.

1587
01:13:18.936 --> 01:13:21.105
[sympathetic laughter]

1588
01:13:22.356 --> 01:13:23.774
That's old-people shit.

1589
01:13:24.733 --> 01:13:28.362
My son doesn't get it, and I--
The thing about being a dad,

1590
01:13:28.445 --> 01:13:31.615
um, when your son
doesn't get old-people stuff,

1591
01:13:31.698 --> 01:13:34.952
I don't wanna sit there and like,
"You know, son," and explain it.

1592
01:13:35.035 --> 01:13:40.249
I just look at him and go, "I can't wait…
I can't wait for you to go through this."

1593
01:13:40.874 --> 01:13:42.793
[audience laughing]

1594
01:13:42.876 --> 01:13:46.046
"I can't wait for you to…" [laughs]

1595
01:13:46.630 --> 01:13:49.341
Let me-- okay,
let me-- okay, let me-- let me-- okay.

1596
01:13:49.967 --> 01:13:52.094
[Jo and audience laughing]

1597
01:13:54.388 --> 01:13:58.058
It was so funny, uh,
the beautiful people of The Improv

1598
01:13:58.142 --> 01:14:00.853
asked me to do this,
and they go, "What is your set list?"

1599
01:14:00.936 --> 01:14:04.314
And I go,
"Man, isn't the place called 'Improv'?"

1600
01:14:04.398 --> 01:14:07.067
[audience laughing]

1601
01:14:07.609 --> 01:14:09.611
That's… that's a fucking cheat.

1602
01:14:10.612 --> 01:14:13.532
You know what I mean?
You might as well call it "Set List."

1603
01:14:13.615 --> 01:14:15.242
[audience laughing]

1604
01:14:15.325 --> 01:14:18.495
So, if you guys are wondering
why I'm all over the place,

1605
01:14:18.579 --> 01:14:21.123
it's 'cause I'm doing
exactly what I'm supposed to do.

1606
01:14:21.206 --> 01:14:23.750
[audience cheering and applauding]

1607
01:14:28.505 --> 01:14:29.715
It's a skill.

1608
01:14:30.340 --> 01:14:31.842
I'm fucking blessed.

1609
01:14:31.925 --> 01:14:33.385
I have a talent.

1610
01:14:33.969 --> 01:14:34.970
God gave it to me.

1611
01:14:35.804 --> 01:14:36.763
[exclaims joyfully]

1612
01:14:37.723 --> 01:14:38.807
Fuck!

1613
01:14:38.891 --> 01:14:41.059
[audience laughing]

1614
01:14:41.143 --> 01:14:43.687
Recognize your talent right away
and encourage it, right?

1615
01:14:43.770 --> 01:14:46.148
If you have kids,
"What is it that you have?"

1616
01:14:46.231 --> 01:14:48.233
"What's your skill set?"
"I'm passionate about this."

1617
01:14:48.317 --> 01:14:49.401
Then fucking encourage them.

1618
01:14:49.485 --> 01:14:53.113
I grew up during a time where
that was not the right choice, right?

1619
01:14:53.197 --> 01:14:55.407
My mom, an immigrant from another country,

1620
01:14:55.491 --> 01:14:59.828
the minute I said I wanted to be a comic,
"What? Are you fucking kidding me?"

1621
01:14:59.912 --> 01:15:01.788
[audience laughing]

1622
01:15:01.872 --> 01:15:03.248
"A clown?"

1623
01:15:03.332 --> 01:15:04.708
[audience laughing]

1624
01:15:04.791 --> 01:15:06.793
"I gave birth to a clown?"

1625
01:15:06.877 --> 01:15:08.879
[audience laughing]

1626
01:15:14.009 --> 01:15:17.095
"You're Filipino, Joseph.
Everyone in the family is nurses."

1627
01:15:18.347 --> 01:15:19.973
"Be a nurse!"

1628
01:15:20.057 --> 01:15:23.644
"But, Mom… I'm failing high school."

1629
01:15:23.727 --> 01:15:25.979
[audience laughing]

1630
01:15:26.063 --> 01:15:28.482
"And you want me to save lives?"

1631
01:15:28.565 --> 01:15:30.317
[audience laughing]

1632
01:15:36.240 --> 01:15:38.992
So… I don't know.

1633
01:15:39.076 --> 01:15:40.118
[audience chuckling]

1634
01:15:40.202 --> 01:15:42.329
What I'm saying is, my son is 20.

1635
01:15:42.412 --> 01:15:44.456
[audience laughing]

1636
01:15:44.540 --> 01:15:46.041
[Jo laughs]

1637
01:15:46.124 --> 01:15:47.960
And, uh… and, you know,

1638
01:15:48.043 --> 01:15:51.296
at the beginning of this journey of mine,
working at The Improvs,

1639
01:15:51.380 --> 01:15:56.426
it was, you know, a lot of my mom saying,
"Joseph, you have a son now."

1640
01:15:57.553 --> 01:15:58.387
[clicks tongue]

1641
01:15:58.470 --> 01:16:02.724
"How would he feel
knowing that his dad is a clown?"

1642
01:16:02.808 --> 01:16:04.601
[audience laughing]

1643
01:16:04.685 --> 01:16:07.104
Like, really fucked-up and demeaning!

1644
01:16:07.187 --> 01:16:08.689
-See, the…
-[audience laughing]

1645
01:16:08.772 --> 01:16:11.191
Because where she's from, that's how you--

1646
01:16:11.775 --> 01:16:16.238
And I know now, like, the internet
has bonded us and has unified us,

1647
01:16:16.321 --> 01:16:18.907
and we've picked up
different cultures through the internet,

1648
01:16:18.991 --> 01:16:23.120
so everyone's kind of this melting pot
of… of something.

1649
01:16:23.203 --> 01:16:26.164
Whereas when I was a kid, my mom
knew nothing but where she was raised,

1650
01:16:26.248 --> 01:16:27.833
and how she was raised.

1651
01:16:27.916 --> 01:16:31.044
So if you're gonna be a clown, fuck that!

1652
01:16:31.670 --> 01:16:34.506
"I would've told your dad to pull out…"

1653
01:16:34.590 --> 01:16:36.842
[audience laughing]

1654
01:16:36.925 --> 01:16:39.011
"…if this batch was gonna be a clown."

1655
01:16:39.094 --> 01:16:41.013
[audience laughing]

1656
01:16:44.099 --> 01:16:45.767
And it kept going.

1657
01:16:47.019 --> 01:16:49.021
I worked every fucking job here, man.

1658
01:16:49.104 --> 01:16:51.189
Every fucking job, dude.

1659
01:16:51.273 --> 01:16:53.108
Marina del Rey,
there was a bunch of yachts,

1660
01:16:53.191 --> 01:16:55.110
and on the weekends,
I used to clean that shit,

1661
01:16:55.193 --> 01:16:59.489
just so I could come here
and do 10 minutes, or five minutes,

1662
01:16:59.573 --> 01:17:01.700
or whatever time it is that they gave me.

1663
01:17:01.783 --> 01:17:03.910
I didn't give a fuck. It was my dream.

1664
01:17:03.994 --> 01:17:06.538
I'm not gonna let my mom
tell me not to live my dream.

1665
01:17:06.622 --> 01:17:08.248
Dude, I know I'm supposed to do this shit.

1666
01:17:08.332 --> 01:17:10.500
"I'm a comic, Mom. I'm so fucking funny."

1667
01:17:10.584 --> 01:17:12.461
"I don't even know
what I was gonna say tonight,

1668
01:17:12.544 --> 01:17:15.339
and I fucking made you laugh
'cause I'm so good."

1669
01:17:15.422 --> 01:17:16.423
[audience laughing]

1670
01:17:16.506 --> 01:17:19.593
[audience cheering and applauding]

1671
01:17:24.181 --> 01:17:25.182
[Jo chuckles]

1672
01:17:25.682 --> 01:17:28.185
So all I'm saying is,
if you're gonna take that next step

1673
01:17:28.268 --> 01:17:33.065
and… and create… [chuckles] …not pull out…

1674
01:17:33.148 --> 01:17:34.775
[audience laughing]

1675
01:17:34.858 --> 01:17:37.402
…listen to them. Whatever it is
that they want, encourage them.

1676
01:17:37.486 --> 01:17:39.488
Let them have their own failures.

1677
01:17:39.571 --> 01:17:42.491
Let them fail, 'cause when you fail,
that's what makes you fucking good.

1678
01:17:42.574 --> 01:17:46.370
I didn't-- I wasn't…
I wasn't this good right away.

1679
01:17:46.453 --> 01:17:48.205
[all laughing]

1680
01:17:50.999 --> 01:17:52.584
I was fucking awful.

1681
01:17:53.752 --> 01:17:55.587
But now I'm so goddamn good.

1682
01:17:55.671 --> 01:17:56.630
[audience laughing]

1683
01:17:56.713 --> 01:17:58.632
I'm so goddamn good!

1684
01:17:58.715 --> 01:18:01.468
I'm so good
that even the jokes that I'm improvising,

1685
01:18:01.551 --> 01:18:05.555
at the end of it, I'm not going,
"Man, it's crazy out there."

1686
01:18:05.639 --> 01:18:06.723
[raucous laughter]

1687
01:18:08.934 --> 01:18:12.562
-[audience cheering]
-Mm-mm. I'm not.

1688
01:18:12.646 --> 01:18:15.524
I'm not. I don't look at anything.

1689
01:18:15.607 --> 01:18:17.734
I read the room, and I feel it.

1690
01:18:17.818 --> 01:18:20.570
You know what I mean?
I'm just fucking good.

1691
01:18:20.654 --> 01:18:21.863
And I gotta be on my A game

1692
01:18:21.947 --> 01:18:25.492
'cause my son is right there
in the back of the room.

1693
01:18:25.575 --> 01:18:29.788
I have videos of me touring
every fucking Improv in this country

1694
01:18:29.871 --> 01:18:31.665
with my son on my shoulder.

1695
01:18:31.748 --> 01:18:36.878
So, now I'm getting emotional,
but goddammit, this is amazing!

1696
01:18:36.962 --> 01:18:39.548
-[laughs emotionally]
-[audience cheering]

1697
01:18:44.219 --> 01:18:48.181
So when you hear your kids,
whatever it is that they want to be,

1698
01:18:48.265 --> 01:18:49.266
encourage them!

1699
01:18:49.349 --> 01:18:52.769
Even if you know in the back of your head
that they're gonna fuck up,

1700
01:18:52.853 --> 01:18:53.895
let 'em fuck up!

1701
01:18:53.979 --> 01:18:56.732
'Cause that's what you did.
That's why you have a child.

1702
01:18:56.815 --> 01:18:58.191
You fucked up!

1703
01:18:58.275 --> 01:19:00.277
[audience laughing]

1704
01:19:02.362 --> 01:19:03.280
So let 'em.

1705
01:19:03.363 --> 01:19:05.115
Let 'em make mistakes.

1706
01:19:05.198 --> 01:19:07.325
Let 'em do
whatever it is they're gonna do.

1707
01:19:07.409 --> 01:19:10.620
If they're gonna go, and not be a nurse,
and work four jobs

1708
01:19:10.704 --> 01:19:13.123
just to get
seven minutes' worth of stage time,

1709
01:19:13.206 --> 01:19:15.000
don't tell 'em that's a bad choice,

1710
01:19:15.083 --> 01:19:18.295
or compare 'em to somebody else
that's successful in the family.

1711
01:19:18.378 --> 01:19:20.213
"You know, your cousin's a doctor."

1712
01:19:20.297 --> 01:19:23.091
"You know, your other cousin's a nurse."

1713
01:19:23.592 --> 01:19:26.970
"All right, great."
I didn't let that change my mind.

1714
01:19:27.637 --> 01:19:28.930
I fucking did it.

1715
01:19:29.681 --> 01:19:32.267
And now look
who's buying the family houses.

1716
01:19:32.350 --> 01:19:33.977
[audience laughing and cheering]

1717
01:19:34.728 --> 01:19:35.771
The clown.

1718
01:19:36.855 --> 01:19:40.984
I love you guys. Happy birthday, Improv!
Sixty years, sixty more.

1719
01:19:41.067 --> 01:19:42.486
I love you guys, thank you.

1720
01:19:42.569 --> 01:19:44.571
[audience cheering and applauding]

1721
01:19:50.702 --> 01:19:54.706
[chill music playing]

1722
01:19:55.207 --> 01:19:58.877
[announcer] One more time
for Jo Koy, everybody!

1723
01:19:58.960 --> 01:20:00.545
[audience cheering]

1724
01:20:00.629 --> 01:20:01.713
[Jo] Oh.

1725
01:20:01.797 --> 01:20:02.798
[chill music stops]

1726
01:20:03.924 --> 01:20:06.510
-[man] Oh, okay.
-No, no, no, keep it rolling.

1727
01:20:06.593 --> 01:20:08.136
Where's my son? I gotta bring him up,

1728
01:20:08.220 --> 01:20:10.222
'cause this is a moment
I need to bring him up.

1729
01:20:10.305 --> 01:20:11.348
[audience cheering]

1730
01:20:11.431 --> 01:20:13.225
No, I want him on stage.

1731
01:20:13.975 --> 01:20:15.560
-There we go.
-[audience cheering]

1732
01:20:15.644 --> 01:20:20.398
This guy I took to every Improv with me,
and now look at him.

1733
01:20:20.482 --> 01:20:23.735
[audience cheering and applauding]

1734
01:20:24.945 --> 01:20:26.655
I love you guys. Thank you, again.

1735
01:20:30.992 --> 01:20:33.370
-[chill music continues]
-[applause continues]

1736
01:20:36.498 --> 01:20:38.250
[applause fades out]

1737
01:20:47.801 --> 01:20:49.010
[chill music fades out]