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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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<i>When I was 22, I got involved
with the Russian mafia.</i>

4
00:00:51,469 --> 00:00:52,928
<i>Here's how it happened.</i>

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<i>I went to school at Florida State.
I was not a very good student.</i>

6
00:00:59,894 --> 00:01:01,020
<i>This is how bad I was.</i>

7
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<i>I signed up for a Russian class one time,
thinking it was Spanish.</i>

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<i>And it took me three classes
before I realized,</i>

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<i>-"I don't think this is Spanish."</i>

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<i>So I took Russian 1, 2, 3, and 4,
never learned a fucking word.</i>

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MOSCOW

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<i>The end of Russian 4,
same teacher pulls me aside.</i>

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<i>She's like,
"Yo, we're taking a trip to Russia.</i>

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<i>If you go, you'll get a minor."</i>

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<i>I was like,</i>
"Strasvutsia, <i>bitches, I'm back!"</i>

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<i>We went to Russia.
The Russian mob ran everything.</i>

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{\an8}<i>And they told us that our first night.</i>

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{\an8}<i>I'm in the back of the class like,
"This trip just got fucking awesome."</i>

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VOLGOVITCH CASINO

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<i>Then, like, in exchange for our money,
they gave us two young gangsters.</i>

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<i>The word for that
in Russian is</i> "banditti."

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<i>So I ended up befriending the</i> banditti.

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<i>Then, one night, the whole class is taking
an overnight train trip to Moscow.</i>

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<i>We roll to the bar car
like a big dick in a locker room.</i>

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<i>Just, not that I've ever been that guy,
but I've seen it.</i>

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<i>So the</i> banditti <i>says to me,</i>

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<i>"Don't worry. When it gets dark,
we have good time."</i>

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<i>I'm like,
"What are we doing when it gets dark?"</i>

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<i>Reaches into his pocket,
pulls a ring of keys out.</i>

30
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<i>He goes,
"We're robbing the whole fucking train."</i>

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<i>Now...</i>

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<i>I'm a good per-- I'm an okay person.</i>

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<i>My point is, we fucking robbed them.</i>

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<i>We robbed the whole train,
and then we drank hard as shit.</i>

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<i>Pull in to Moscow at 6 a.m.,
hammered, piss drunk. Train stops.</i>

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It is him.

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<i>My whole class, they're in their pajamas.</i>

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<i>They're upset.
They've been robbed. I get it.</i>

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I want what you stole, Machine!

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-<i>I'm the Machine!</i>

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<i>They look at me and look at each other and
they're like, "Fuck it! He's the Machine!"</i>

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<i>♪ I thought I saw a man brought to life ♪</i>

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{\an8}<i>♪ He was warm
He came around like he was dignified ♪</i>

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{\an8}<i>♪ He showed me what it was to cry ♪</i>

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{\an8}<i>♪ Well, you couldn't be
That one I adored ♪</i>

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{\an8}<i>♪ You don't seem to know
Seem to care what your heart is for ♪</i>

47
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<i>♪ But I don't know you anymore ♪</i>

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{\an8}<i>♪ There's nothing where you used to lie
Our conversation has run dry ♪</i>

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{\an8}<i>♪ That's what's going on
Nothing's fine, I'm torn ♪</i>

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<i>♪ I'm all out of faith
This is how I feel ♪</i>

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{\an8}<i>♪ I'm cold and I am shamed
Lying naked on the floor ♪</i>

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{\an8}<i>♪ Illusion never changed
Into something real ♪</i>

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{\an8}<i>♪ I'm wide awake and I can see
The perfect sky is torn ♪</i>

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{\an8}<i>♪ You're a little late, I'm already torn ♪</i>

55
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<i>♪ I'm already torn ♪</i>

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<i>♪ I'm already torn ♪</i>

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{\an8}<i>♪ I'm already torn ♪</i>

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Okay.

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{\an8}So, Bert, how we doing today?

60
00:04:32,648 --> 00:04:34,316
{\an8}I feel fantastic.

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I'm eating clean. I'm working out.

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Blood pressure's down.

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No more partying.

64
00:04:40,489 --> 00:04:43,742
I haven't called anyone in this room
the C-word in almost three months, huh?

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00:04:44,410 --> 00:04:45,995
He's never called Tat a C-word.

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00:04:45,995 --> 00:04:48,205
- Oh, she's never acted like a C-word.
- Thanks, Dad.

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- So Mom and I act like C-words?

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You'd be shocked.

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- Wait. Just leave it there.
- Mom! Mom?

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00:04:53,293 --> 00:04:54,211
- Okay. Okay.
-  Mom.

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00:04:54,211 --> 00:04:55,254
- Mom.
- I'm still waiting.

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- All right!
- That's not fair.

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00:04:57,631 --> 00:04:59,258
Bert, why are we here?

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00:04:59,967 --> 00:05:02,594
Well, I wanted you guys to see
the progress that I've made.

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00:05:02,594 --> 00:05:03,887
To see how far I've come.

76
00:05:03,887 --> 00:05:07,057
Personal growth isn't something
that you need to point out.

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Progress is something that your family
should be noticing on their own.

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00:05:10,102 --> 00:05:12,771
Bro, that's why they're here,
to notice it.

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Hey, if you're not on my team,
shut the fuck up, okay?

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00:05:15,107 --> 00:05:17,276
Okay, no.
Has Bert ever talked about his father?

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00:05:17,276 --> 00:05:18,569
- No.
-  This has absolutely

82
00:05:18,569 --> 00:05:20,446
- nothing to do with my father.
- Huh.

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I had an incident with my daughter.

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An incident.

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That was caused by my lifestyle
and my behavior.

86
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And I am taking actions to course-correct.

87
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And you should know

88
00:05:31,582 --> 00:05:34,626
that he sounds just like his father
when he talks like that.

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-  Hold on.
- Yes.

90
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- My father doesn't understand me.
- Same.

91
00:05:37,379 --> 00:05:38,881
Not same. Not same.

92
00:05:38,881 --> 00:05:40,632
My father's always correcting me.

93
00:05:40,632 --> 00:05:42,259
- Same, same.
- Not same, same!

94
00:05:42,259 --> 00:05:44,720
Your relationship with me
is totally different

95
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than my relationship with Papa.

96
00:05:46,138 --> 00:05:48,682
Okay, girls, please, can you wait outside?

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Perfect. Come on, Tat.

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Deuces.

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- Ho, ho.

100
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- So you can see what's going on here?
-  Yeah.

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00:05:57,733 --> 00:05:59,693
- You just saw that, right?
- Yes.

102
00:06:01,278 --> 00:06:02,696
You-- Oh...

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Wait. You're talking about me?

104
00:06:05,282 --> 00:06:06,450
Oh, yes.

105
00:06:06,450 --> 00:06:07,743
Oh, fuck off.

106
00:06:07,743 --> 00:06:09,870
Fuck off? Fuck you! Fuck off!

107
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Oh, I didn't say it like, "Fuck off!"

108
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- I said, "Fuck off."
- You do not tell me "fuck off."

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It's my therapy.
I can say whatever I want, right?

110
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- Actually, you can't.
- No, like, you signed an oath!

111
00:06:17,961 --> 00:06:22,925
Hey! I am going to allow the two of you
to talk about his issues with his father.

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Deuces, Bert.

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You know the C-word's "cunt," right?

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Okay. Here we go.

115
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Okay. One last push.

116
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- You can get it all in. Get it all in.

117
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We got it. It's gonna-- Getting it in!

118
00:06:38,482 --> 00:06:40,025
15 minutes! 15...

119
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Hey, babe! Look who's up!

120
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Babe, 96 workouts in a row,

121
00:06:45,405 --> 00:06:47,825
and I still feel like
I'm sweating out toxins.

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- Still smells like your skin is pissing.
- Two more.

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One more. Nice. Ho, ho!

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- Hey.

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Do you think people are gonna
think I'm on HGH? Feel that.

126
00:06:59,044 --> 00:07:00,546
- Uh...
- Feel my tit.

127
00:07:00,546 --> 00:07:02,798
No, like full-handed.
Full-handed. Grab it.

128
00:07:02,798 --> 00:07:04,967
There you go. Nice.

129
00:07:04,967 --> 00:07:06,385
I'm making smoothies.

130
00:07:06,385 --> 00:07:08,595
Who wants smoothies?

131
00:07:09,847 --> 00:07:11,557
Mom, can you please tell him

132
00:07:11,557 --> 00:07:14,351
not to do anything embarrassing
at my party today?

133
00:07:14,351 --> 00:07:18,021
Whoa! So that's how
we're gonna start our morning?

134
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I haven't done anything
publicly embarrassing

135
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in almost three months.

136
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Okay.

137
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But don't go overboard this time.

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I just want it to be with my friends.

139
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What friends?

140
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Don-- Eas-- Le--

141
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- So not cool.
- Don't.

142
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Are those nut sacks?

143
00:07:35,956 --> 00:07:37,291
No.

144
00:07:37,291 --> 00:07:39,459
It's a pimple for <i>Dr. Pimple Popper.</i>

145
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Oh, you don't think that's a little gross?

146
00:07:42,004 --> 00:07:43,755
Uh, it's totally gross.

147
00:07:43,755 --> 00:07:45,424
That's why Sasha and I love it.

148
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If you think about it,

149
00:07:46,884 --> 00:07:50,137
it's kind of like a metaphor
for her exploding into womanhood.

150
00:07:53,599 --> 00:07:55,309
What is wrong with this shirt?

151
00:07:58,520 --> 00:08:00,147
Supposed to be like this?

152
00:08:04,484 --> 00:08:05,485
Hey, babe.

153
00:08:06,570 --> 00:08:08,780
If I stand like this,
does it look tucked in?

154
00:08:09,823 --> 00:08:11,283
Don't wear that shirt.

155
00:08:12,492 --> 00:08:13,327
All right.

156
00:08:14,286 --> 00:08:15,913
What are these, my dad's shirts?

157
00:08:18,332 --> 00:08:20,334
Can you please help me pick out a shirt?

158
00:08:22,294 --> 00:08:23,128
Okay.

159
00:08:23,128 --> 00:08:26,590
I think that this therapy
is making everything worse.

160
00:08:26,590 --> 00:08:28,425
I think you need to get back on-stage.

161
00:08:28,425 --> 00:08:30,969
That's definitely not happening.

162
00:08:30,969 --> 00:08:32,971
- Why?
- Sit down.

163
00:08:35,057 --> 00:08:37,017
Have you ever seen <i>The Nutty Professor?</i>

164
00:08:37,017 --> 00:08:39,061
- Uh, no, I have not.
- Okay.

165
00:08:39,061 --> 00:08:41,021
Eddie Murphy turns into this one guy,

166
00:08:41,021 --> 00:08:42,314
which is great at first.

167
00:08:42,314 --> 00:08:44,399
But then his family starts hating him

168
00:08:44,399 --> 00:08:46,485
and he starts hating himself.

169
00:08:47,027 --> 00:08:47,861
Uh--

170
00:08:49,363 --> 00:08:50,364
Look.

171
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I'm the Machine on-stage.

172
00:08:56,370 --> 00:08:58,747
I'm also the Machine off-stage.

173
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I got high and I got drunk,

174
00:09:01,375 --> 00:09:03,126
and I almost got our daughter arrested.

175
00:09:03,126 --> 00:09:04,670
I saw the look in her face.

176
00:09:05,754 --> 00:09:07,506
I was helpless
and I couldn't do anything,

177
00:09:07,506 --> 00:09:09,466
and I wanted to kill myself.

178
00:09:11,051 --> 00:09:13,262
I will never let that happen
to our family again.

179
00:09:17,015 --> 00:09:19,893
Well, fuck,
now I wanna watch <i>The Nutty Professor.</i>

180
00:09:19,893 --> 00:09:22,187
It's a pretty good movie.
I wish you had watched it.

181
00:09:22,187 --> 00:09:24,398
It's exactly
what I'm going through right now.

182
00:09:24,398 --> 00:09:28,151
Maybe for now, for today,
we keep it simple.

183
00:09:30,529 --> 00:09:32,239
- I can do simple.
- Yeah?

184
00:09:40,122 --> 00:09:41,540
There she is.

185
00:09:41,540 --> 00:09:42,874
There's my birthday girl.

186
00:09:42,874 --> 00:09:45,210
Hey, Sash, what do you think of the party?

187
00:09:45,877 --> 00:09:46,753
It's kind of big.

188
00:09:46,753 --> 00:09:48,422
Kind of big and awesome, right?

189
00:09:48,422 --> 00:09:51,008
Hey, Bert,
does the DJ have any glitchcore?

190
00:09:51,008 --> 00:09:52,134
Hey, Madison...

191
00:09:55,470 --> 00:09:56,680
I'll go check.

192
00:09:56,680 --> 00:09:58,640
- Hey. Hey.
- What's up?

193
00:09:58,640 --> 00:10:00,600
I thought you said you invited,
like, ten people.

194
00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:02,227
Oh, no. I invited a ton.

195
00:10:02,227 --> 00:10:03,854
Well, you can't risk no-shows, babe.

196
00:10:03,854 --> 00:10:05,897
And partying with six people
is fucking depressing.

197
00:10:05,897 --> 00:10:07,816
I even invited parents that hate me.

198
00:10:07,816 --> 00:10:10,068
- What's up, Madison's mom?
- Oh. Hm.

199
00:10:10,777 --> 00:10:12,612
That guy's a bitch. He is such a...

200
00:10:12,612 --> 00:10:14,197
She's going through a divorce. Be nice.

201
00:10:14,197 --> 00:10:15,324
- Seriously?
- Mm-hm.

202
00:10:15,324 --> 00:10:17,075
Hey, hey. This is a sweet 16.

203
00:10:17,075 --> 00:10:19,328
- It's a big deal.
- Yeah, for Sash.

204
00:10:19,328 --> 00:10:21,621
I think Skeletor over there
must be the DJ.

205
00:10:21,621 --> 00:10:23,123
Can you tell him where to set up?

206
00:10:23,123 --> 00:10:24,583
Yeah. Hey, <i>Trainspotting.</i>

207
00:10:24,583 --> 00:10:27,210
You have any glitchcore?
Wait, is that my boom box?

208
00:10:27,836 --> 00:10:28,670
Yeah.

209
00:10:29,212 --> 00:10:31,923
- Is that my auxiliary cord?
- Yeah.

210
00:10:31,923 --> 00:10:33,717
Oh, do you want my phone?

211
00:10:34,676 --> 00:10:35,677
Nah.

212
00:10:39,639 --> 00:10:40,932
Fucking disgusting.

213
00:10:40,932 --> 00:10:42,559
Hey, don't do that around the kids.

214
00:10:42,559 --> 00:10:45,771
Actually, you know what? Stay away
from the kids. We got music! I think.

215
00:10:45,771 --> 00:10:47,939
Gentlemen, what are you doing up here?
Girls are in the pool.

216
00:10:47,939 --> 00:10:49,107
They're talking about you. Jump in.

217
00:10:49,107 --> 00:10:50,859
Take your shirts off.
Don't piss in my pool.

218
00:10:50,859 --> 00:10:53,445
- Yo, Machine.
- Not today, brother. Not today.

219
00:10:53,445 --> 00:10:56,531
Ladies. Steer clear of the DJ.
Food's to the right, all right?

220
00:10:56,531 --> 00:10:57,908
Hey, Kreischer, no booze?

221
00:10:57,908 --> 00:10:59,826
Hey, Madison's mom, no husband?

222
00:10:59,826 --> 00:11:01,870
Fucking bitch.

223
00:11:01,870 --> 00:11:03,997
Oh, ho-ho-ho!

224
00:11:04,539 --> 00:11:06,958
Killing it, B-Man. Killing it.

225
00:11:10,837 --> 00:11:12,130
Hey there.

226
00:11:16,843 --> 00:11:18,095
Dad?

227
00:11:18,095 --> 00:11:19,346
In the flesh.

228
00:11:24,768 --> 00:11:27,771
I see you haven't given up
trying to learn how to barbecue.

229
00:11:27,771 --> 00:11:29,022
Good for you, son.

230
00:11:29,022 --> 00:11:31,566
Wait, what are you doing here?

231
00:11:32,317 --> 00:11:35,487
Well, I'm not gonna miss
my grandkid's sweet 16.

232
00:11:35,487 --> 00:11:36,947
It's a big day.

233
00:11:38,657 --> 00:11:40,700
Right. Right.

234
00:11:42,160 --> 00:11:43,161
Well...

235
00:11:56,007 --> 00:11:57,509
Not gonna flip 'em yet, huh?

236
00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:03,140
Might be... Eh, it's okay, it's okay.

237
00:12:03,140 --> 00:12:04,516
Really?

238
00:12:04,516 --> 00:12:07,144
Well, I just don't want you
to mess 'em up.

239
00:12:07,811 --> 00:12:09,771
You know,
then people will be disappointed.

240
00:12:09,771 --> 00:12:11,148
You'll feel bad.

241
00:12:11,148 --> 00:12:13,692
It'll be all that,
"Huh, remember Bert's barbecue?

242
00:12:13,692 --> 00:12:15,902
- Those burgers, yikes."
- Goddamn it.

243
00:12:15,902 --> 00:12:17,320
Oh, see?

244
00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:18,780
Did you add egg to the mix?

245
00:12:18,780 --> 00:12:21,783
- Okay, Dad.
- It binds. It moisturizes.

246
00:12:21,783 --> 00:12:23,326
Makes a much better burger.

247
00:12:23,326 --> 00:12:25,662
- Oh.
- My dad showed up.

248
00:12:25,662 --> 00:12:26,955
- From Florida?
- Yeah.

249
00:12:26,955 --> 00:12:29,875
And it took about two seconds before
he started making me mental with the:

250
00:12:30,792 --> 00:12:33,795
- Look at him!
- Hey, Boo Bear! Hi!

251
00:12:34,296 --> 00:12:35,589
He's a monster.

252
00:12:35,589 --> 00:12:37,007
- Oh!
- Oh.

253
00:12:37,007 --> 00:12:39,092
Okay, yeah. Breathe it out there, champ.

254
00:12:39,092 --> 00:12:40,844
-  Hey, hey, Dad?
- Yes!

255
00:12:40,844 --> 00:12:43,054
Yeah, no. The dog's pooping in the pool.

256
00:12:43,054 --> 00:12:44,431
- What?
-  Gross!

257
00:12:44,431 --> 00:12:45,557
Wait, how?

258
00:12:45,557 --> 00:12:48,727
You paid money
to see my son take off his shirt

259
00:12:48,727 --> 00:12:51,271
and tell his made-up story
about robbing a train in Russia?

260
00:12:51,271 --> 00:12:53,482
Dad, for the millionth time,
it's a true story.

261
00:12:53,482 --> 00:12:54,858
It's my job, okay?

262
00:12:54,858 --> 00:12:56,443
And you should get back on-stage.

263
00:12:56,443 --> 00:12:58,737
'Cause I've seen you only,
like, five times.

264
00:12:58,737 --> 00:13:01,156
You paid to see him five times?

265
00:13:01,990 --> 00:13:04,451
I'm just shocked
that people would actually do that.

266
00:13:04,451 --> 00:13:05,452
Dad.

267
00:13:05,452 --> 00:13:07,287
You don't buy carpet five times.

268
00:13:07,287 --> 00:13:11,333
- Bye, Papa.
- Oh, sweetheart.

269
00:13:11,333 --> 00:13:12,667
I'm sorry, I'm gonna go.

270
00:13:12,667 --> 00:13:14,169
Oh, don't worry about that.

271
00:13:14,169 --> 00:13:18,798
And you remember, you can call me anytime
whenever you want to talk about...

272
00:13:18,798 --> 00:13:20,008
Well, you know.

273
00:13:20,884 --> 00:13:23,303
- All right. Bye.
-  Whoa, whoa, whoa!

274
00:13:23,303 --> 00:13:25,180
Wait, where are you going? Hold on.

275
00:13:25,180 --> 00:13:27,015
- Bye, Bert.
- Mr. Kreischer. Hey, stop!

276
00:13:27,015 --> 00:13:28,266
- What?
- Where are you going?

277
00:13:28,266 --> 00:13:30,435
Mads asked me to go to Big Bear
for, like, three days.

278
00:13:30,435 --> 00:13:33,230
You are not going anywhere.
Hey, you're 16 years old.

279
00:13:33,230 --> 00:13:36,316
You're not going to Big Bear 'cause I know
you're gonna drink beer and smoke pot.

280
00:13:36,316 --> 00:13:38,610
I'll be fine because I'm not you. Okay?

281
00:13:38,610 --> 00:13:40,779
Okay, stop. That's fair. That's fair.

282
00:13:40,779 --> 00:13:43,240
I deserve that. I deserve that. Okay?

283
00:13:43,240 --> 00:13:46,409
Hey. Look at me. Look at me. Don't go.

284
00:13:46,409 --> 00:13:47,953
We wrap up this party, me and you,

285
00:13:47,953 --> 00:13:50,080
hang out tonight,
we'll watch <i>Dr. Pimple Popper.</i>

286
00:13:50,789 --> 00:13:53,041
I don't even watch that show anymore, Dad.

287
00:13:53,041 --> 00:13:55,126
And I don't even know
half of these people here.

288
00:13:55,126 --> 00:13:56,461
What, are you kidding me?

289
00:13:56,962 --> 00:13:59,047
You know-- What about this guy?
You know this guy.

290
00:13:59,047 --> 00:14:00,298
- Ray Ray.
- You know Ray Ray.

291
00:14:00,298 --> 00:14:02,384
Dad, I said I wanted a small party,

292
00:14:02,384 --> 00:14:04,844
and you promised
that you wouldn't embarrass me.

293
00:14:05,512 --> 00:14:07,180
I'm just trying to be a good dad.

294
00:14:07,180 --> 00:14:08,265
See?

295
00:14:08,265 --> 00:14:09,975
It's about you.

296
00:14:09,975 --> 00:14:12,936
- It's always about you!
- What are you talking about?

297
00:14:12,936 --> 00:14:15,689
How did I make it about...?
How did you flip that?

298
00:14:15,689 --> 00:14:17,148
Don't do that! Don't leave!

299
00:14:17,148 --> 00:14:18,900
Don't you flip me off!

300
00:14:18,900 --> 00:14:20,443
Don't you get in that car!

301
00:14:20,443 --> 00:14:22,112
Don't get-- See?

302
00:14:22,112 --> 00:14:24,906
This is the C-word behavior
I was talking about in therapy!

303
00:14:24,906 --> 00:14:27,284
I'm not saying it!
I'm just pointing it out!

304
00:14:34,040 --> 00:14:36,501
It's your fat fucking fault! Asshole!

305
00:14:37,335 --> 00:14:38,587
Goddamn it.

306
00:14:46,845 --> 00:14:47,929
Son?

307
00:14:48,722 --> 00:14:49,723
Not now, Dad.

308
00:14:50,599 --> 00:14:51,474
Uh...

309
00:14:51,474 --> 00:14:53,059
We should...

310
00:14:54,311 --> 00:14:55,312
You know...

311
00:14:56,313 --> 00:14:58,857
if you're searching for a new path,

312
00:14:59,691 --> 00:15:02,736
there's always room for you
at Kreischer Karpets.

313
00:15:03,945 --> 00:15:06,448
I'm good, Dad, okay? I'm good. I promise.

314
00:15:06,448 --> 00:15:07,657
Just give me a minute.

315
00:15:08,617 --> 00:15:09,618
Well...

316
00:15:10,327 --> 00:15:14,080
I just wasn't sure, you know,
how you're making money

317
00:15:14,080 --> 00:15:18,168
if you're not doing
the whole comedy thing anymore.

318
00:15:19,002 --> 00:15:21,296
Hey, I'm a grown man.

319
00:15:21,296 --> 00:15:22,464
I'll figure it out, okay?

320
00:15:22,464 --> 00:15:24,424
Yeah, all right, all right, you know.

321
00:15:25,175 --> 00:15:26,301
Just trying to help.

322
00:15:26,301 --> 00:15:28,053
Hold on right there.

323
00:15:28,053 --> 00:15:30,764
No, you're not.
You're never trying to help, Dad.

324
00:15:30,764 --> 00:15:31,973
That's the point.

325
00:15:31,973 --> 00:15:35,060
When I got in trouble, what did you say
to me? "Oh, don't be an idiot."

326
00:15:35,060 --> 00:15:38,229
My advice to you was
don't do stupid things in public,

327
00:15:38,229 --> 00:15:40,273
- especially with the children.
- Oh, same thing!

328
00:15:40,273 --> 00:15:41,691
Which is good advice.

329
00:15:41,691 --> 00:15:43,610
And you and Sasha wouldn't be
where you were

330
00:15:43,610 --> 00:15:45,445
if you'd only listened to me.

331
00:15:45,445 --> 00:15:46,863
- Oh, my God.

332
00:15:46,863 --> 00:15:50,116
Ma'am, the party's outside. Okay?

333
00:15:50,116 --> 00:15:51,785
Are you the Machine?

334
00:15:51,785 --> 00:15:53,411
Oh, shit.

335
00:15:55,121 --> 00:15:57,082
Yeah, I am.
And I can do a picture in a second.

336
00:15:57,082 --> 00:16:00,210
I'm kind of having
a private moment with my father, okay?

337
00:16:01,878 --> 00:16:04,339
I'm here for the pocket watch

338
00:16:04,339 --> 00:16:08,176
stolen on a train in Russia 23 years ago

339
00:16:08,176 --> 00:16:09,886
by you.

340
00:16:11,179 --> 00:16:12,013
Okay.

341
00:16:12,597 --> 00:16:14,516
I'm having a shitshow day.

342
00:16:14,516 --> 00:16:17,811
So if this is some sort of TikTok prank,
I'm about to lose my fucking shit.

343
00:16:18,728 --> 00:16:21,940
It's definitely a prank.
Clearly, that's a fake gun.

344
00:16:22,649 --> 00:16:24,609
-  Or not!

345
00:16:24,609 --> 00:16:26,653
- She's got a fucking gun, Dad!
- Yeah, I'm clear on that now.

346
00:16:26,653 --> 00:16:28,196
- Sit down!
- Yes, ma'am.

347
00:16:28,196 --> 00:16:32,367
- My name is Irina Ivanona Volgina.

348
00:16:32,367 --> 00:16:35,578
And I suggest you start remembering.

349
00:16:36,162 --> 00:16:38,289
It was 20 years ago.
I barely remember that trip.

350
00:16:38,289 --> 00:16:40,709
I don't have a watch,
and it's definitely not here.

351
00:16:40,709 --> 00:16:43,420
Then you're coming with me
back to Russia to find it.

352
00:16:43,420 --> 00:16:44,921
Russia?

353
00:16:44,921 --> 00:16:47,006
- Look at your daughter.

354
00:16:48,842 --> 00:16:50,760
So innocent.

355
00:16:50,760 --> 00:16:52,220
So pure.

356
00:16:52,804 --> 00:16:54,889
So vulnerable.

357
00:16:56,141 --> 00:16:57,600
Do you see that man?

358
00:16:58,351 --> 00:16:59,686
DJ Chemo?

359
00:16:59,686 --> 00:17:01,646
He will follow her on her trip.

360
00:17:02,313 --> 00:17:04,065
If you do not find my watch,

361
00:17:04,065 --> 00:17:05,525
he kills her.

362
00:17:08,194 --> 00:17:11,448
If you try to run, he kills her.

363
00:17:13,158 --> 00:17:16,244
You say a word about this to anyone...

364
00:17:18,288 --> 00:17:19,289
he kills her.

365
00:17:19,289 --> 00:17:20,874
Okay. Okay.

366
00:17:20,874 --> 00:17:23,835
I'll do whatever you want.
Just let my daughter go.

367
00:17:25,295 --> 00:17:27,464
Listen, I'll do whatever you want.

368
00:17:28,381 --> 00:17:30,925
Just don't hurt my daughter.
And let my father go, all right?

369
00:17:30,925 --> 00:17:33,344
He wasn't supposed to be here.
He wasn't even invited.

370
00:17:35,013 --> 00:17:38,099
- I'm going with you.
- Dad, you're not going with me.

371
00:17:38,099 --> 00:17:41,102
I wouldn't be able to live with myself
if you failed to protect Sasha.

372
00:17:41,102 --> 00:17:43,897
- Dad, stop! You're not going!
- He goes!

373
00:17:44,647 --> 00:17:47,275
If you need persuading in Russia,

374
00:17:47,275 --> 00:17:48,860
he might be useful.

375
00:17:50,737 --> 00:17:51,905
For torture.

376
00:17:52,614 --> 00:17:53,740
The car is waiting.

377
00:17:53,740 --> 00:17:55,283
We leave now.

378
00:17:58,536 --> 00:18:00,205
Dad, put your fucking hands down.

379
00:18:01,414 --> 00:18:03,208
Excuse me. Hey, Albert?

380
00:18:04,417 --> 00:18:06,044
Hold, hold, hold, wait up.

381
00:18:06,044 --> 00:18:09,255
Oh, my God. I haven't even seen you yet.
I'm so sorry I haven't said hi.

382
00:18:09,255 --> 00:18:10,673
- Hello.
- Hello, dear.

383
00:18:10,673 --> 00:18:12,759
- There are so many people here.
-  Mm-hm.

384
00:18:12,759 --> 00:18:14,636
Hi. Oh, who is this?

385
00:18:14,636 --> 00:18:17,972
Uh... this is our, uh,
Uber driver, uh, Sylvia.

386
00:18:17,972 --> 00:18:19,224
Sylvia.

387
00:18:19,224 --> 00:18:22,727
Hi. Your Uber driver?

388
00:18:22,727 --> 00:18:23,728
Where are you going?

389
00:18:23,728 --> 00:18:25,021
- Uh...
- Um...

390
00:18:26,773 --> 00:18:27,899
Oh, my God.

391
00:18:28,483 --> 00:18:29,692
Yeah. I see what's going on.

392
00:18:29,692 --> 00:18:31,694
You two are gonna follow Sasha
to Big Bear.

393
00:18:31,694 --> 00:18:33,780
- Yes, we are.
- Exactly. Big Bear, yes.

394
00:18:33,780 --> 00:18:35,448
Cool. Great. Well, you know what?

395
00:18:35,448 --> 00:18:37,408
I'll just stay home,
take care of everything,

396
00:18:37,408 --> 00:18:41,955
and the two of you can just fuck off
on your creepy, little, puritanical--

397
00:18:48,169 --> 00:18:50,338
I love you. I'm sorry. Kiss Tats for me.

398
00:18:50,338 --> 00:18:51,422
Dad, let's go.

399
00:18:52,423 --> 00:18:53,424
Where...?

400
00:18:54,133 --> 00:18:55,760
Good work, Kreischers.

401
00:18:57,095 --> 00:19:00,431
This is my bodyguard, Sponge.

402
00:19:00,431 --> 00:19:02,600
Sponge, like you absorb liquids?

403
00:19:02,600 --> 00:19:05,478
Absorb bullets.

404
00:19:26,416 --> 00:19:28,418
Two? You said one.

405
00:19:29,419 --> 00:19:31,421
Still think I made the story up?

406
00:19:31,838 --> 00:19:34,340
You cannot bring both.

407
00:19:34,340 --> 00:19:35,758
Too many questions!

408
00:19:36,676 --> 00:19:38,261
Oh, fuck!

409
00:19:38,887 --> 00:19:41,764
Never tell me what I can do. Ever!

410
00:19:45,393 --> 00:19:46,436
Move it.

411
00:19:56,404 --> 00:20:00,450
They said Machine had ice in veins.

412
00:20:00,450 --> 00:20:02,785
Could walk through the walls.

413
00:20:02,785 --> 00:20:05,663
Drink more than any man.

414
00:20:07,123 --> 00:20:08,958
I grew up hearing this myth.

415
00:20:10,460 --> 00:20:11,544
You.

416
00:20:16,215 --> 00:20:17,592
You're fat.

417
00:20:18,718 --> 00:20:20,553
And you have tits.

418
00:20:20,553 --> 00:20:22,472
Very disturbing.

419
00:20:22,472 --> 00:20:25,475
That's body-shaming. And honestly,
I expect more empathy out of a woman.

420
00:20:25,475 --> 00:20:26,976
Such a disappointment.

421
00:20:26,976 --> 00:20:30,688
Like opening peanuts
and joke snake pop out.

422
00:20:30,688 --> 00:20:32,315
Enjoy your flight, Machine.

423
00:20:32,315 --> 00:20:34,317
It will probably be your last.

424
00:21:12,063 --> 00:21:15,108
All right. When we land,
I'm gonna create a diversion.

425
00:21:15,108 --> 00:21:17,402
What I want you to do
is go to the embassy.

426
00:21:17,402 --> 00:21:18,319
Dad.

427
00:21:18,319 --> 00:21:21,280
Now, these people really know
what they're doing around the grill.

428
00:21:21,280 --> 00:21:23,282
How can you eat at a time like this?

429
00:21:23,282 --> 00:21:27,203
Son, I'm a small-business owner
from a "stand your ground" state.

430
00:21:27,203 --> 00:21:28,705
This is like a Tuesday for me.

431
00:21:28,705 --> 00:21:31,457
Machina, the myth.

432
00:21:31,457 --> 00:21:34,127
Your turn, huh?

433
00:21:34,127 --> 00:21:36,921
No, no. I wish I could.
I just got a crown replaced.

434
00:21:36,921 --> 00:21:38,881
- Oh, Machina.

435
00:21:38,881 --> 00:21:41,300
But I have an uneven jaw,
and it took them forever to...

436
00:21:41,300 --> 00:21:42,969
- Hey, Bert.
- What?

437
00:21:42,969 --> 00:21:45,972
You want to know
why people respect Kreischer Karpets?

438
00:21:45,972 --> 00:21:48,182
Well, it's definitely
not 'cause you spelled "carpets" with a K.

439
00:21:48,182 --> 00:21:49,684
No, that's just good marketing.

440
00:21:49,684 --> 00:21:54,063
It's because we install anywhere.

441
00:21:54,063 --> 00:21:56,524
- We never show fear.

442
00:21:56,524 --> 00:21:58,026
We face it.

443
00:21:58,026 --> 00:22:02,697
So, Bert, don't show fear.

444
00:22:03,865 --> 00:22:04,866
Wow.

445
00:22:06,951 --> 00:22:08,870
You really shoehorned that message in.

446
00:22:09,537 --> 00:22:12,123
All right, Sponge, I guess I got next.

447
00:22:12,123 --> 00:22:14,375
-  Oh!

448
00:22:14,375 --> 00:22:15,835
Machina,

449
00:22:16,461 --> 00:22:19,505
all I have heard about you,
and you have titty, huh?

450
00:22:21,007 --> 00:22:22,759
You're such a large man.

451
00:22:24,052 --> 00:22:25,720
You're so fucking big.

452
00:22:26,846 --> 00:22:28,389
Let's hope this works.

453
00:22:29,557 --> 00:22:34,896
I'm gonna show you
what we in the States call "dad strength."

454
00:22:42,945 --> 00:22:44,030
Funny!

455
00:22:44,030 --> 00:22:45,239
Now...

456
00:22:46,324 --> 00:22:47,825
my turn, huh?

457
00:23:05,384 --> 00:23:08,638
Well, you showed fear.

458
00:23:12,558 --> 00:23:16,604
Son, I think this trip to Russia
could give you some... direction.

459
00:23:17,105 --> 00:23:19,774
Look, I had this with me in Rome.

460
00:23:19,774 --> 00:23:21,609
Saved me more than a few times.

461
00:23:22,193 --> 00:23:23,444
You take care of it...

462
00:23:24,695 --> 00:23:26,155
it will take care of you.

463
00:23:28,866 --> 00:23:30,910
- Your pocketknife?
- Mm-hm.

464
00:23:30,910 --> 00:23:32,203
Ah, thanks, Dad.

465
00:23:33,287 --> 00:23:36,624
We hope our sons grow up to be
the men we wish we could be, Bert.

466
00:23:37,708 --> 00:23:40,044
Maybe this trip
can start you on that path.

467
00:23:40,044 --> 00:23:41,295
And also...

468
00:23:42,922 --> 00:23:45,383
if you lose that knife in Russia,

469
00:23:46,134 --> 00:23:48,594
I will disown you.

470
00:23:48,594 --> 00:23:50,596
Ah, funny story.

471
00:23:52,765 --> 00:23:56,060
I did lose your knife in Russia.

472
00:23:56,060 --> 00:23:57,562
Dad, I'm sorry.

473
00:23:58,646 --> 00:24:00,148
I knew you'd let me down.

474
00:24:01,691 --> 00:24:02,608
You did?

475
00:24:06,112 --> 00:24:07,780
Got your manhood!

476
00:24:07,780 --> 00:24:09,365
Oh, you took my testicles!

477
00:24:15,121 --> 00:24:16,664
- Hey there.
- While you were out,

478
00:24:16,664 --> 00:24:19,083
- your father and I got to know each other.
- Wait.

479
00:24:19,083 --> 00:24:21,919
Also, we watched
<i>Butch Cassidy and Sundance Kid.</i>

480
00:24:21,919 --> 00:24:23,254
The ending? Wow.

481
00:24:23,254 --> 00:24:25,256
Dad, that's our movie.

482
00:24:25,256 --> 00:24:27,925
Bert, we have to find this watch.

483
00:24:27,925 --> 00:24:29,552
You stole it. What'd you do with it?

484
00:24:29,552 --> 00:24:32,597
Jesus Christ. It's the top five drunkest
I've ever been in my life.

485
00:24:32,597 --> 00:24:34,765
I'm usually drunk when I tell the story.

486
00:24:34,765 --> 00:24:38,019
- Okay. Okay. Hold on, hold on.

487
00:24:38,019 --> 00:24:41,480
Give me a sec. Let me think. Let me think.
God. I'm not good with guns at my head.

488
00:24:44,650 --> 00:24:46,527
Fedor. What about Fedor?

489
00:24:46,527 --> 00:24:49,530
<i>He was the gangster on the train.
Everything we stole, we gave to him.</i>

490
00:24:49,530 --> 00:24:51,824
Yeah, I talked to Fedor.

491
00:24:51,824 --> 00:24:53,576
He doesn't remember the watch.

492
00:24:53,576 --> 00:24:55,036
So I killed him.

493
00:24:56,162 --> 00:24:57,371
Jesus Christ.

494
00:24:59,165 --> 00:25:00,249
Igor.

495
00:25:02,460 --> 00:25:03,461
Which Igor?

496
00:25:03,461 --> 00:25:05,129
I know like 50 Igors.

497
00:25:05,129 --> 00:25:08,799
Uh, Igor was the mobster
that took care of our class.

498
00:25:08,799 --> 00:25:10,509
He lived with us in the dorms.

499
00:25:10,509 --> 00:25:12,303
Maybe he still lives in the dorms.

500
00:25:12,303 --> 00:25:14,722
Fuck school. Let's party.

501
00:25:16,015 --> 00:25:16,849
Hm.

502
00:25:18,309 --> 00:25:20,102
Then this is where we go.

503
00:25:24,857 --> 00:25:28,945
Can't believe you watched
<i>Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.</i> Fuck.

504
00:25:29,862 --> 00:25:31,656
ST. PETERSBERG

505
00:25:45,044 --> 00:25:47,255
Follow my lead.
If we get a chance, we run.

506
00:25:47,255 --> 00:25:48,631
Is there a problem?

507
00:25:48,631 --> 00:25:53,511
Your documents indicate
11 passengers, but I count 12.

508
00:25:54,512 --> 00:25:55,554
I told you so.

509
00:25:58,182 --> 00:26:00,851
Dad. Dad. Dad. Dad. Dad. Dad.

510
00:26:00,851 --> 00:26:02,353
Oh, my God. Oh!

511
00:26:03,437 --> 00:26:05,398
He's going down. He's going down.

512
00:26:06,607 --> 00:26:07,608
I count 11.

513
00:26:07,608 --> 00:26:08,693
Jeez Louise!

514
00:26:17,326 --> 00:26:18,411
Wait.

515
00:26:19,161 --> 00:26:20,955
That's me. I'm the Machine.

516
00:26:20,955 --> 00:26:22,790
{\an8}Why am I on a billboard?

517
00:26:22,790 --> 00:26:25,042
{\an8} <i>Da.</i> You famous.

518
00:26:25,042 --> 00:26:27,920
I'm hot folklore in the Soviet Union.

519
00:26:27,920 --> 00:26:30,548
The Soviet Union is dead,
you ignorant fuck!

520
00:26:31,465 --> 00:26:34,051
We're Russia. We're strong.

521
00:26:34,051 --> 00:26:35,052
We're here.

522
00:26:37,471 --> 00:26:39,473
They turned it into condos.

523
00:26:41,434 --> 00:26:42,727
Oh, hello there.

524
00:26:43,144 --> 00:26:43,978
Ha!

525
00:26:44,395 --> 00:26:47,023
Hey, Dad, this isn't Orlando.
Quit trying to work a threesome.

526
00:26:47,023 --> 00:26:48,691
Put it back in your pants.

527
00:26:48,691 --> 00:26:50,776
Well, that was rude.

528
00:26:50,776 --> 00:26:52,111
Move.

529
00:26:52,111 --> 00:26:53,904
Hey, here's where we took classes.

530
00:26:55,031 --> 00:26:56,282
This is where I met Igor.

531
00:26:59,035 --> 00:27:01,662
Wow. Twenty-three years ago.

532
00:27:02,163 --> 00:27:04,206
I should've taken more pictures
of my dick.

533
00:27:04,206 --> 00:27:09,628
<i>♪ I don't practice Santeria
I ain't got no crystal ball ♪</i>

534
00:27:09,628 --> 00:27:15,343
<i>♪ Well, I had a million dollars
But I'd, I'd spend it all ♪</i>

535
00:27:15,343 --> 00:27:20,556
<i>♪ If I could find that jaina
And that sancho that she's found ♪</i>

536
00:27:20,556 --> 00:27:23,726
<i>♪ Well, I'd pop a cap in sancho
And I'd slap her down... ♪</i>

537
00:27:23,726 --> 00:27:25,144
THE DORMS

538
00:27:25,144 --> 00:27:26,937
<i>Okay, class, listen up.</i>

539
00:27:27,646 --> 00:27:30,483
Do not expect an easy course load.

540
00:27:30,483 --> 00:27:31,901
It isn't a vacation.

541
00:27:31,901 --> 00:27:36,072
Your goal is to culturally bond
with the indigenous citizens.

542
00:27:36,739 --> 00:27:40,659
This is Igor. He is a <i>banditti.</i>
You will be taking courses...

543
00:27:40,659 --> 00:27:43,496
I actually don't speak much Russian.
What is <i>"banditti"?</i>

544
00:27:43,496 --> 00:27:46,916
Oh, um, <i>"banditti"</i>
is the Russian word for mobster.

545
00:27:47,500 --> 00:27:50,378
This is a class trip.
How come we've never met?

546
00:27:50,378 --> 00:27:53,130
Oh, I don't go to class much. I'm Bert.

547
00:27:53,130 --> 00:27:54,882
Oh, Ashley.

548
00:27:54,882 --> 00:27:57,051
But Russia is a dangerous place.

549
00:27:57,051 --> 00:27:58,719
Igor is our fixer.

550
00:27:58,719 --> 00:28:01,472
He is only here for your protection.

551
00:28:02,306 --> 00:28:03,599
He is very dangerous.

552
00:28:03,599 --> 00:28:04,517
Oh!

553
00:28:07,770 --> 00:28:10,815
You are not to talk to
or hang out with him.

554
00:28:10,815 --> 00:28:13,025
All I want to do is hang out with him.

555
00:28:13,025 --> 00:28:16,237
<i>I never know what to believe
about what you say happened back then.</i>

556
00:28:16,237 --> 00:28:19,156
You do have a very active imagination.

557
00:28:19,156 --> 00:28:20,825
I imagine.

558
00:28:20,825 --> 00:28:23,953
- That's my issue.
- Well, one of them.

559
00:28:23,953 --> 00:28:27,081
My father and I
have a similar relationship.

560
00:28:27,081 --> 00:28:29,667
What the fuck is this thing?
Is it an iPad?

561
00:28:30,376 --> 00:28:31,794
I got this, son.

562
00:28:31,794 --> 00:28:33,963
I am an Eagle Scout.

563
00:28:35,214 --> 00:28:36,632
What is an Eagle Scout?

564
00:28:36,632 --> 00:28:38,342
It's like if James Bond was a Mormon.

565
00:28:38,342 --> 00:28:40,594
An Eagle Scout can get in anywhere.

566
00:28:40,594 --> 00:28:42,847
You'd know that
if you'd become an Eagle Scout.

567
00:28:42,847 --> 00:28:45,057
But no...

568
00:28:48,519 --> 00:28:50,354
My fist is Eagle Scout.

569
00:28:52,189 --> 00:28:53,524
I'll wait in the car.

570
00:28:55,025 --> 00:28:56,944
He has impulse-control issue.

571
00:28:56,944 --> 00:28:57,862
Very sad.

572
00:28:57,862 --> 00:28:59,447
Yeah. Steroids will do that to you.

573
00:28:59,447 --> 00:29:02,491
{\an8}- They really dressed this place up.

574
00:29:03,492 --> 00:29:05,786
Still have the world's smallest elevator.

575
00:29:11,208 --> 00:29:13,752
Tell Vanya they are here.

576
00:29:16,130 --> 00:29:17,715
Holy shit.

577
00:29:18,382 --> 00:29:21,302
There was a woman that sat right there.

578
00:29:21,302 --> 00:29:23,971
She absolutely loved me.

579
00:29:23,971 --> 00:29:26,599
Igor's room was all the way down
to the right.

580
00:29:27,433 --> 00:29:29,518
I took a shit on a pizza box right there.

581
00:29:29,518 --> 00:29:31,437
Jesus, son.

582
00:29:31,437 --> 00:29:33,439
Eh, it got mixed reviews.

583
00:29:34,440 --> 00:29:37,359
Honestly,
if I hadn't sprained that finger,

584
00:29:37,359 --> 00:29:39,153
probably would've made it to the league.

585
00:29:39,153 --> 00:29:41,322
But, you know,
I wasn't about to lose a thumb war

586
00:29:41,322 --> 00:29:43,157
to a 12-year-old, you know?

587
00:29:43,657 --> 00:29:45,034
Here you go, <i>dabushka.</i>

588
00:29:45,034 --> 00:29:47,036
Gifts from your American friend.

589
00:29:47,036 --> 00:29:48,621
- Ah.

590
00:29:48,621 --> 00:29:51,415
Gifts are a very important aspect
of Russian life, Ash.

591
00:29:51,415 --> 00:29:53,501
- Bet you didn't know that.
-  Mm.

592
00:29:53,501 --> 00:29:55,503
Bet you didn't know your fly was down.

593
00:29:57,838 --> 00:29:59,965
<i>Why are you telling us this?</i>

594
00:29:59,965 --> 00:30:01,050
<i>Sorry.</i>

595
00:30:01,050 --> 00:30:02,760
<i>Lot of memories being back here.</i>

596
00:30:06,514 --> 00:30:09,683
Whoa, you live right across
from Igor and the <i>banditti?</i>

597
00:30:09,683 --> 00:30:12,061
Do you ever hear, like,
screams coming from their room?

598
00:30:12,061 --> 00:30:13,187
No, not really.

599
00:30:14,271 --> 00:30:15,272
Look at them.

600
00:30:15,814 --> 00:30:17,566
They're magnificent.

601
00:30:17,566 --> 00:30:20,110
How do I talk to them?
How do I say my name?

602
00:30:23,364 --> 00:30:24,740
<i>I planned the perfect sentence.</i>

603
00:30:26,992 --> 00:30:30,287
<i>But the second I was face-to-face
with a real Russian gangster,</i>

604
00:30:30,287 --> 00:30:31,497
<i>I panicked.</i>

605
00:30:32,248 --> 00:30:33,499
<i>Ya machina.</i>

606
00:30:39,630 --> 00:30:41,131
<i>Ya machina.</i>

607
00:30:41,757 --> 00:30:43,759
"Muchina" <i>means badass.</i>

608
00:30:43,759 --> 00:30:45,719
"Machina" <i>means machine.</i>

609
00:30:45,719 --> 00:30:47,429
<i>I said I was the Machine.</i>

610
00:30:47,429 --> 00:30:48,973
<i>You're an idiot.</i>

611
00:30:50,182 --> 00:30:51,684
<i>Ya machina.</i>

612
00:30:53,143 --> 00:30:55,145
-  <i>Luckily...</i>

613
00:30:55,145 --> 00:30:56,522
<i>they thought it was hilarious.</i>

614
00:30:56,522 --> 00:30:58,148
<i>On machina!</i>

615
00:30:59,567 --> 00:31:02,486
<i>They introduced me to their world,
and I introduced them to mine.</i>

616
00:31:02,486 --> 00:31:05,114
<i>Vodka, lemon, two teaspoons of sugar.</i>

617
00:31:05,114 --> 00:31:07,658
<i>- These are called lemon drops.</i>
- They're called lemon drops.

618
00:31:07,658 --> 00:31:11,996
Okay, they're from Florida,
and they're fucking delicious!

619
00:31:11,996 --> 00:31:14,999
The Machine is powered by lemons!

620
00:31:14,999 --> 00:31:18,210
<i>And the legend of the Machine was born.</i>

621
00:31:22,506 --> 00:31:23,882
All right, all right, all right.

622
00:31:23,882 --> 00:31:27,261
This next one's a little thing
I like to call Beavis and Butt-Head.

623
00:31:29,096 --> 00:31:30,472
His head is a butt!

624
00:31:30,472 --> 00:31:33,142
<i>They had no frame of reference
for American culture.</i>

625
00:31:33,142 --> 00:31:35,936
Do I make you horny?

626
00:31:35,936 --> 00:31:38,188
<i>Austin Powers? Really?</i>

627
00:31:38,188 --> 00:31:39,315
<i>Shut up, Dad.</i>

628
00:31:40,190 --> 00:31:42,943
<i>So I stole from the best,
and they thought it was me.</i>

629
00:31:44,445 --> 00:31:47,781
<i>To them, I was just some crazy genius
who could out-drink 'em all.</i>

630
00:31:47,781 --> 00:31:50,367
- I'm the Machine!

631
00:31:56,248 --> 00:31:58,292
I call this the "Macarena."

632
00:32:00,836 --> 00:32:02,129
<i>Word spread fast.</i>

633
00:32:02,129 --> 00:32:05,132
<i>And the legend of the Machine
just kept growing.</i>

634
00:32:09,470 --> 00:32:12,056
<i>Everyone in Russia heard the stories.</i>

635
00:32:12,056 --> 00:32:14,141
<i>You were folklore.</i>

636
00:32:14,141 --> 00:32:15,976
-<i>I was good for Igor's business.</i>

637
00:32:15,976 --> 00:32:17,436
<i>People paid him to party with me.</i>

638
00:32:17,436 --> 00:32:18,896
<i>Wait! The stash hole!</i>

639
00:32:19,563 --> 00:32:22,232
Igor's room has a stash hole in it,
in the wall.

640
00:32:22,232 --> 00:32:24,818
And what does he keep in this hole?

641
00:32:24,818 --> 00:32:26,153
Beanie Babies.

642
00:32:26,654 --> 00:32:28,739
Come on. Drugs, money and porn.
You're in the mob.

643
00:32:28,739 --> 00:32:31,533
But maybe there's something in there
that can tell us how to find him.

644
00:32:31,533 --> 00:32:32,951
It's this one right here.

645
00:32:32,951 --> 00:32:36,121
I hope so, for your daughter's sake.

646
00:32:40,417 --> 00:32:41,293
Oi!

647
00:32:41,293 --> 00:32:45,631
- That's feminism. You asked for it.
- Fuck you! Pussy woman-boy!

648
00:32:45,631 --> 00:32:47,841
Well, I see wokeness
hasn't made its way to Russia.

649
00:33:03,691 --> 00:33:06,235
- The hole?
- Yeah, right.

650
00:33:06,902 --> 00:33:07,903
All right.

651
00:33:08,570 --> 00:33:10,864
That wall used to go all the way down.

652
00:33:11,490 --> 00:33:12,866
If I'm not mistaken...

653
00:33:16,453 --> 00:33:17,454
Ah!

654
00:33:17,454 --> 00:33:18,414
Bingo.

655
00:33:23,669 --> 00:33:25,462
No watch.

656
00:33:25,462 --> 00:33:27,214
This is something way better.

657
00:33:27,214 --> 00:33:28,882
One of Ash's pot brownies, Dad.

658
00:33:28,882 --> 00:33:31,135
These things were gold back in the day.

659
00:33:31,135 --> 00:33:34,847
Why would anyone keep
20-year-old marijuana brownies?

660
00:33:34,847 --> 00:33:38,225
Ashley's pot brownies
are the best thing I've ever tasted.

661
00:33:38,225 --> 00:33:40,561
They're mad strong, though,
so only eat a little.

662
00:33:42,396 --> 00:33:45,357
- Don't fuck.

663
00:33:45,357 --> 00:33:47,234
You're fucking with me, man.

664
00:33:47,860 --> 00:33:49,445
Go fuck yourself.

665
00:33:51,405 --> 00:33:53,157
Hey, how'd you become a <i>banditti?</i>

666
00:33:54,450 --> 00:33:55,451
One day,

667
00:33:56,952 --> 00:33:58,203
man told me,

668
00:33:58,203 --> 00:34:01,540
"Igor, help me with this thing."

669
00:34:03,500 --> 00:34:04,626
Thing was mafia.

670
00:34:04,626 --> 00:34:06,879
'Cause if I get hungry, I get hangry,
and everybody knows

671
00:34:06,879 --> 00:34:09,423
marijuana goes bad after time.
It's like the reverse of pickles.

672
00:34:09,423 --> 00:34:12,259
So no Igor, no watch.

673
00:34:12,259 --> 00:34:15,220
Just old money and pickle weed.

674
00:34:15,846 --> 00:34:17,931
This is not good for you, Bert.

675
00:34:17,931 --> 00:34:20,517
-  Fuck you.

676
00:34:20,517 --> 00:34:21,810
Vanya.

677
00:34:21,810 --> 00:34:23,562
It's not good for you either.

678
00:34:23,562 --> 00:34:25,314
VANYA

679
00:34:25,314 --> 00:34:27,274
What are you doing here?

680
00:34:29,860 --> 00:34:31,528
He is Machina?

681
00:34:31,528 --> 00:34:32,654
The man's man?

682
00:34:32,654 --> 00:34:34,198
Nah.

683
00:34:34,198 --> 00:34:37,117
He has, uh... breasts.

684
00:34:43,874 --> 00:34:46,168
Your friend, Igor,

685
00:34:46,960 --> 00:34:49,546
he took over the trains to Moscow.

686
00:34:50,130 --> 00:34:52,508
And now I know where to find the watch.

687
00:34:52,508 --> 00:34:54,384
How do you know Igor runs trains?

688
00:34:54,384 --> 00:34:55,594
Because...

689
00:34:56,553 --> 00:34:57,971
I am respected.

690
00:35:01,016 --> 00:35:03,602
I make it my job to know these things.

691
00:35:03,602 --> 00:35:04,686
You?

692
00:35:07,272 --> 00:35:08,816
You are foolish woman.

693
00:35:09,525 --> 00:35:11,360
Playing pretend.

694
00:35:18,492 --> 00:35:19,827
I do not play.

695
00:35:24,873 --> 00:35:26,375
- Oh!

696
00:35:27,751 --> 00:35:29,753
Holy cow!

697
00:35:33,382 --> 00:35:35,050
You're an insolent child, Vanya.

698
00:35:35,050 --> 00:35:38,387
Now you come with me on train
or you go out window.

699
00:35:39,471 --> 00:35:42,099
- All right, let's go, Dad. Come on.
- Yeah, let's go. Let's go.

700
00:35:43,308 --> 00:35:44,309
See you around.

701
00:35:47,604 --> 00:35:48,939
Put your hands down.

702
00:35:51,733 --> 00:35:53,694
Well, this is wonderful.

703
00:35:53,694 --> 00:35:55,696
We're about to be killed by gangsters.

704
00:35:55,696 --> 00:35:57,823
And you're pocketing ancient pot brownies.

705
00:35:57,823 --> 00:36:00,826
You say shit like that and you wonder
why we haven't visited in three years.

706
00:36:00,826 --> 00:36:02,035
- So now it's my fault?
- Yeah.

707
00:36:02,035 --> 00:36:03,912
I don't want to be around that shit,
and neither do my kids.

708
00:36:03,912 --> 00:36:05,956
Your kids are great.
Don't bring them into this.

709
00:36:05,956 --> 00:36:08,834
Oh, I know they're great, Dad.
They're my kids.

710
00:36:08,834 --> 00:36:12,254
You know, your problem is
you live this life where you get rewarded

711
00:36:12,254 --> 00:36:15,299
for indulging in your worst tendencies.

712
00:36:27,686 --> 00:36:29,271
Let's hope that was an adjustment.

713
00:36:30,689 --> 00:36:32,065
Meet you downstairs.

714
00:36:54,046 --> 00:36:56,256
Well, we should be safe in here.

715
00:37:15,484 --> 00:37:16,360
I got you, son!

716
00:37:16,360 --> 00:37:17,819
No, I got you! I'm covering you!

717
00:37:17,819 --> 00:37:19,571
- Everything's under control!
- No!

718
00:37:44,805 --> 00:37:46,348
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

719
00:37:46,348 --> 00:37:47,557
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

720
00:38:03,156 --> 00:38:05,325
- Lift!
- No! No, no! Close, close!

721
00:38:05,325 --> 00:38:07,744
-  Close the door!
- Shoot back, idiots!

722
00:38:13,500 --> 00:38:16,628
I will present the boss
with your head, Machina!

723
00:38:16,628 --> 00:38:17,713
Dad.

724
00:38:17,713 --> 00:38:19,881
I can't use that.

725
00:38:19,881 --> 00:38:22,467
After I read Mandela's biography,

726
00:38:22,467 --> 00:38:25,929
I made a vow of nonviolence.

727
00:38:25,929 --> 00:38:27,472
You are dead!

728
00:38:27,472 --> 00:38:28,682
Dead!

729
00:38:28,682 --> 00:38:30,892
Fine. I'm just gonna shoot him in the leg.

730
00:38:58,128 --> 00:38:59,463
Let's go, dickheads!

731
00:39:06,219 --> 00:39:07,763
Goddamn it. Let go.

732
00:39:07,763 --> 00:39:09,931
No! I'm glad you're alive! Let go of me!

733
00:39:09,931 --> 00:39:12,142
-  Get in the car, son.
- I'm trying, Dad!

734
00:39:26,531 --> 00:39:27,699
Sponge!

735
00:39:28,366 --> 00:39:30,118
What happened to the fucking car?

736
00:39:30,702 --> 00:39:32,037
So bad. This is not going away.

737
00:39:32,037 --> 00:39:33,371
We need to get on that train!

738
00:39:34,164 --> 00:39:35,582
I'm gonna meet the devil.

739
00:39:35,582 --> 00:39:37,250
I'm going to fucking hell.

740
00:39:37,250 --> 00:39:38,752
- Oh, shit.
-  I'm at my lake house.

741
00:39:38,752 --> 00:39:40,587
- Goddamn it.
-  The fish are jumping.

742
00:39:40,587 --> 00:39:44,424
- I'm having mac and cheese for dinner.
- Are you doing breathing exercises?

743
00:39:44,424 --> 00:39:46,551
You can't do breathing exercises
for murder, Dad.

744
00:39:46,551 --> 00:39:47,928
I killed a man.

745
00:39:47,928 --> 00:39:50,806
Well, technically, you killed several men.

746
00:39:50,806 --> 00:39:52,432
Oh, God! You're not helping!

747
00:39:52,432 --> 00:39:53,892
-  Hey.
- What?

748
00:39:54,976 --> 00:39:56,103
It happens.

749
00:39:56,103 --> 00:39:58,105
I'm not gonna start smoking cigarettes.

750
00:39:58,105 --> 00:40:01,024
No, it doesn't happen.
A speeding ticket, that happens.

751
00:40:01,024 --> 00:40:03,735
Shitting your pants at Best Buy,
that happens.

752
00:40:04,528 --> 00:40:06,446
My brother Vanya was an asshole.

753
00:40:06,446 --> 00:40:08,198
Oh!

754
00:40:08,198 --> 00:40:10,200
Brother? Like your real brother?

755
00:40:10,200 --> 00:40:12,244
Like your mom and dad
are the same mom and dad?

756
00:40:12,244 --> 00:40:13,411
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

757
00:40:13,411 --> 00:40:15,580
- I didn't know he was your brother.
- Don't be.

758
00:40:15,580 --> 00:40:17,666
There is a power struggle in the mob.

759
00:40:17,666 --> 00:40:20,377
As oldest,
I will inherit my father's empire,

760
00:40:20,377 --> 00:40:22,420
but Vanya wants control.

761
00:40:22,420 --> 00:40:23,964
Wanted control.

762
00:40:24,840 --> 00:40:27,092
- He's dead.
- Oh, my God.

763
00:40:27,092 --> 00:40:28,802
I'm still getting used to it.

764
00:40:28,802 --> 00:40:32,597
What the fuck is happening?
Get me the fuck out of here.

765
00:40:32,597 --> 00:40:35,016
Many others also want control.

766
00:40:35,016 --> 00:40:36,977
They say I cannot run mob
because I'm woman.

767
00:40:36,977 --> 00:40:38,103
This isn't happening.

768
00:40:38,103 --> 00:40:39,020
Boss.

769
00:40:41,690 --> 00:40:42,774
Dad.

770
00:40:44,401 --> 00:40:46,736
Give me some life advice,
some words of wisdom.

771
00:40:48,446 --> 00:40:50,073
Everybody's got to die sometime.

772
00:40:50,740 --> 00:40:51,741
That's it?

773
00:40:52,367 --> 00:40:53,618
That's your advice?

774
00:40:53,618 --> 00:40:55,912
Well, what do you want me to say?

775
00:40:55,912 --> 00:40:58,498
That vulnerability is scary
and it's hard to open up?

776
00:40:58,498 --> 00:41:00,834
Yeah, Dad. That would've been great.

777
00:41:00,834 --> 00:41:02,085
Son.

778
00:41:02,085 --> 00:41:04,546
It was your mother
that was the coddler, not me.

779
00:41:11,011 --> 00:41:13,138
Jesus. We got it, Sasquatch.

780
00:41:25,400 --> 00:41:26,568
Igor. Igor.

781
00:41:27,986 --> 00:41:29,154
I'm coming. I'm coming.

782
00:41:34,034 --> 00:41:34,868
Hey.

783
00:41:38,747 --> 00:41:41,291
My brother would have shot me
if he had a chance.

784
00:41:43,460 --> 00:41:46,254
Thank you for making his death very fast.

785
00:41:47,964 --> 00:41:50,091
Well, then, can I real quick
call my daughter,

786
00:41:50,091 --> 00:41:51,968
just to make sure she's okay?

787
00:41:51,968 --> 00:41:53,011
Don't push it.

788
00:42:08,526 --> 00:42:11,613
Now, this is the kind
of Russian architecture I wanted to see.

789
00:42:11,613 --> 00:42:13,573
We're not on a sightseeing tour, Dad.

790
00:42:14,908 --> 00:42:17,118
Hey, Irina,
I think this is gonna be great.

791
00:42:17,118 --> 00:42:19,996
We'll find Igor, we'll get your watch,
and then you can let us go, right?

792
00:42:20,705 --> 00:42:21,998
Holy cow.

793
00:42:21,998 --> 00:42:24,125
This place hasn't changed a bit.

794
00:42:26,336 --> 00:42:28,004
Oh. Right there.

795
00:42:28,004 --> 00:42:30,340
That's where Igor introduced me
to the train <i>banditti.</i>

796
00:42:31,049 --> 00:42:33,593
I cannot go on your student trip
to Moscow.

797
00:42:33,593 --> 00:42:34,552
- What?
- Yeah.

798
00:42:34,552 --> 00:42:36,763
Different mafia runs train.

799
00:42:36,763 --> 00:42:38,473
Igor, what am I supposed to do here?

800
00:42:39,516 --> 00:42:40,934
What you always do.

801
00:42:41,476 --> 00:42:42,936
This is Machine!

802
00:42:43,728 --> 00:42:47,023
If you give Machine vodka,
you have great time.

803
00:42:48,233 --> 00:42:50,360
Come on, show them your character.

804
00:42:50,360 --> 00:42:52,279
British horny man. Come on.

805
00:42:53,863 --> 00:42:56,533
Do I make you horny, baby?

806
00:42:58,952 --> 00:43:01,913
- Do I make you randy? Yeah.
- It's classic.

807
00:43:01,913 --> 00:43:04,666
<i>You really like</i> Austin Powers.

808
00:43:04,666 --> 00:43:07,335
Yeah. It was really big in the late '90s.
Give me a break, okay?

809
00:43:07,335 --> 00:43:08,712
I get it.

810
00:43:09,754 --> 00:43:11,381
I get why they liked you.

811
00:43:11,381 --> 00:43:12,507
Wow, thanks, Dad.

812
00:43:12,507 --> 00:43:15,927
Your toxic masculinity was lighthearted
and progressive to them.

813
00:43:15,927 --> 00:43:18,513
Yeah, well, your compliment sounds
a little bit like a slam.

814
00:43:18,513 --> 00:43:21,725
- Quiet, fucked-up father-son.
-  Boss.

815
00:43:23,935 --> 00:43:25,729
This is the Moscow line.

816
00:43:26,646 --> 00:43:29,899
If Igor runs trains,
this is where he will be.

817
00:43:30,650 --> 00:43:32,360
Be careful.

818
00:43:32,360 --> 00:43:34,237
Train mob is very dangerous.

819
00:43:34,237 --> 00:43:36,072
Don't worry. Igor's my boy.

820
00:43:36,072 --> 00:43:37,657
If he's here, we're all set.

821
00:43:37,657 --> 00:43:40,160
Yes, but he knows you.

822
00:43:40,160 --> 00:43:41,536
They don't.

823
00:43:41,536 --> 00:43:44,581
They look like they're cosplaying
<i>American History X.</i>

824
00:43:44,581 --> 00:43:46,458
Let's go down further.

825
00:43:46,458 --> 00:43:47,834
<i>Less eyes.</i>

826
00:44:02,349 --> 00:44:03,350
Hello.

827
00:44:03,850 --> 00:44:06,102
You cannot park there.

828
00:44:11,024 --> 00:44:12,734
Bring me to Igor.

829
00:44:12,734 --> 00:44:14,361
Yes, sir.

830
00:44:17,238 --> 00:44:19,574
Doesn't that sound
mean the train's departing?

831
00:44:19,574 --> 00:44:21,826
- Get on!
- Wait, what's the plan? What are we doing?

832
00:44:21,826 --> 00:44:24,245
We stay on train till we find Igor.

833
00:44:24,245 --> 00:44:27,248
Get the plane, meet me in Moscow
with the rest of the men.

834
00:44:28,541 --> 00:44:31,378
I cannot believe
I'm doing this Moscow trip over again.

835
00:44:31,378 --> 00:44:32,837
-  Move.
-  Wow.

836
00:44:32,837 --> 00:44:35,632
This train smells exactly
like it did in '98.

837
00:44:36,800 --> 00:44:38,802
THE TRAIN

838
00:44:38,802 --> 00:44:41,930
It smells like cabbage and grandmas.

839
00:44:41,930 --> 00:44:45,600
So long, Saint Petersburg! Hello, Moscow!

840
00:44:45,600 --> 00:44:46,726
Oh, sorry.

841
00:44:49,979 --> 00:44:52,649
Why does everyone here look like
they want to punch me in the face?

842
00:44:52,649 --> 00:44:54,526
It's improper to smile in Russia, Bert.

843
00:44:54,526 --> 00:44:56,069
You save it for the people you love.

844
00:44:56,903 --> 00:44:57,904
Do you?

845
00:44:58,571 --> 00:45:00,532
- Really?
- What even is that?

846
00:45:00,532 --> 00:45:03,618
So you want to stay up all night
in the bar car or...?

847
00:45:03,618 --> 00:45:07,163
I don't know how you can drink so much
and never gain any weight.

848
00:45:07,163 --> 00:45:09,124
I just have really great genes.

849
00:45:11,918 --> 00:45:14,421
Do you maybe want to hang
in my cabin instead?

850
00:45:15,380 --> 00:45:16,464
<i>I did.</i>

851
00:45:16,464 --> 00:45:18,341
<i>I definitely did.</i>

852
00:45:20,468 --> 00:45:21,970
Fucking idiot. Fuck.

853
00:45:22,762 --> 00:45:24,973
Thanks, Dad, for the dull fucking knife.

854
00:45:25,849 --> 00:45:30,645
{\an8}<i>♪ How could a person like me care for you?
Why do I bother...? ♪</i>

855
00:45:30,645 --> 00:45:32,522
Ash. Hey.

856
00:45:36,568 --> 00:45:41,406
<i>♪ No
I saw the sign... ♪</i>

857
00:45:41,406 --> 00:45:42,323
Yeah.

858
00:45:42,991 --> 00:45:44,367
Fucking ow.

859
00:45:44,367 --> 00:45:46,786
<i>♪ Without understanding... ♪</i>

860
00:45:46,786 --> 00:45:47,704
Oh, jeez.

861
00:45:49,289 --> 00:45:50,331
Way too much.

862
00:45:50,331 --> 00:45:52,208
<i>♪ I saw the sign ♪</i>

863
00:45:52,208 --> 00:45:53,293
Yeah.

864
00:45:53,293 --> 00:45:59,090
<i>♪ I saw the sign ♪</i>

865
00:46:00,049 --> 00:46:03,261
<i>♪ And it opened up my eyes
I saw the sign ♪</i>

866
00:46:03,261 --> 00:46:05,096
- Hey.
- Hey, what are you doing?

867
00:46:05,096 --> 00:46:06,890
Uh, not much.

868
00:46:06,890 --> 00:46:08,850
I don't know. It's pretty crazy in there.

869
00:46:09,559 --> 00:46:11,603
So you still want to hang out?
It's cool if not.

870
00:46:11,603 --> 00:46:13,897
You know, I'm a big fan
of romantic buildup.

871
00:46:13,897 --> 00:46:14,814
Oh, yeah?

872
00:46:14,814 --> 00:46:17,650
Yeah. Like, I don't even think Ross
and Rachel should be together yet.

873
00:46:17,650 --> 00:46:18,610
No way. Me neither.

874
00:46:18,610 --> 00:46:20,695
-  Right? Save it for the millennium.
-  Yeah.

875
00:46:20,695 --> 00:46:22,447
- I kind of think we should...
-  You.

876
00:46:24,991 --> 00:46:26,075
Hey.

877
00:46:27,911 --> 00:46:30,038
You are one they call Machine?

878
00:46:31,915 --> 00:46:33,625
Yeah, uh, that's me.

879
00:46:34,292 --> 00:46:35,251
Hm.

880
00:46:38,129 --> 00:46:40,215
<i>Fedor was the boss of the train</i> banditti.

881
00:46:40,215 --> 00:46:42,050
<i>He smelled like nicotine patches</i>

882
00:46:42,050 --> 00:46:44,844
<i>and looked at me
the way Ted Bundy looked at coeds.</i>

883
00:46:44,844 --> 00:46:46,804
<i>It was horrible.</i>

884
00:46:46,804 --> 00:46:50,141
Machine does not ride
with the peasants. Come, come.

885
00:46:52,852 --> 00:46:56,523
Uh, Ashley, I'm gonna go hang out
with these scary dudes for a little bit,

886
00:46:56,523 --> 00:46:58,900
and then I'll be right back, okay?
I'll check back in.

887
00:46:58,900 --> 00:47:01,069
FYI, I'm a good bed sharer.

888
00:47:01,069 --> 00:47:03,279
Okay? Fun to cuddle with,
no night farts...

889
00:47:03,279 --> 00:47:06,783
<i>You left that girl,
so you could hang out with a criminal?</i>

890
00:47:06,783 --> 00:47:09,452
<i>He's right. She was a sure thing.</i>

891
00:47:09,452 --> 00:47:12,830
<i>Yeah, well, I've never been good
with sure things.</i>

892
00:47:12,830 --> 00:47:14,874
<i>But Fedor took me to the bar car.</i>

893
00:47:14,874 --> 00:47:18,670
<i>This place had booze, drugs,
and here's the real gangster part.</i>

894
00:47:18,670 --> 00:47:21,005
This is the Machine.

895
00:47:23,091 --> 00:47:24,384
<i>They knew who I was.</i>

896
00:47:25,301 --> 00:47:27,053
They like you, huh?

897
00:47:27,971 --> 00:47:30,598
<i>I guarantee this is where we'll find Igor.</i>

898
00:47:32,517 --> 00:47:33,351
Wow.

899
00:47:33,351 --> 00:47:35,395
I guess nobody parties
in the bar car anymore.

900
00:47:35,395 --> 00:47:37,230
Hm. Especially Igor.

901
00:47:39,816 --> 00:47:42,235
You know, 23-year-old me loved this place.

902
00:47:42,235 --> 00:47:44,112
Now it looks like a truck-stop bathroom.

903
00:47:44,779 --> 00:47:48,408
I think your therapist would call that
"growth people notice."

904
00:47:50,243 --> 00:47:51,244
Wait.

905
00:47:52,370 --> 00:47:53,997
Did LeeAnn tell you I was in therapy?

906
00:47:56,332 --> 00:47:57,333
Well...

907
00:47:58,251 --> 00:48:00,587
when she called to invite me to the party,

908
00:48:00,587 --> 00:48:02,755
she opened up about
what you're going through.

909
00:48:02,755 --> 00:48:06,009
After Sasha's arrest,
we were both worried you'd...

910
00:48:06,509 --> 00:48:08,052
well, you know, mess up again.

911
00:48:08,052 --> 00:48:09,887
Motherfucker!

912
00:48:09,887 --> 00:48:11,264
Does no one trust me?

913
00:48:11,264 --> 00:48:13,766
Or am I the guy
that's only gonna mess up again?

914
00:48:13,766 --> 00:48:15,602
- You're making a scene.
- A scene?

915
00:48:15,602 --> 00:48:18,563
I pay my bills by making a scene!

916
00:48:18,563 --> 00:48:21,024
I rip my shirt off and yell,
"I'm the Machine!"

917
00:48:21,024 --> 00:48:22,108
Hey!

918
00:48:22,108 --> 00:48:25,612
- Who says, "I am Machine"?

919
00:48:27,238 --> 00:48:28,239
You?

920
00:48:29,157 --> 00:48:31,618
They say Machine can walk through walls.

921
00:48:32,493 --> 00:48:34,329
Only a ghost can do that.

922
00:48:35,330 --> 00:48:36,331
You...

923
00:48:37,123 --> 00:48:38,124
you are not Machine.

924
00:48:41,210 --> 00:48:43,713
You want to see the fucking Machine?
They want to see the Machine.

925
00:48:43,713 --> 00:48:46,049
- You're getting the fucking Machine.
- Hey, where you going?

926
00:48:46,049 --> 00:48:48,259
First up,
I don't normally do this for free.

927
00:48:48,259 --> 00:48:50,053
Secondly, you're dressed like dickheads.

928
00:48:50,053 --> 00:48:52,055
Matching Nazi dickheads.

929
00:48:52,055 --> 00:48:54,349
And third, you say it three times
and he shows up.

930
00:48:54,349 --> 00:48:55,642
It's a lot like Candyman.

931
00:48:56,225 --> 00:48:57,769
{\an8}You've already said it twice.

932
00:48:59,270 --> 00:49:00,271
That's me.

933
00:49:01,064 --> 00:49:04,400
That's me on this bottle of vodka
that says "The Machine."

934
00:49:04,400 --> 00:49:05,568
What are you doing?

935
00:49:05,568 --> 00:49:07,111
- Dad, sit down!
- Ah!

936
00:49:08,696 --> 00:49:10,698
I think we need to call the boss.

937
00:49:12,909 --> 00:49:14,702
- Igor.
- Igor?

938
00:49:14,702 --> 00:49:16,954
This guy says he's the Machine.

939
00:49:17,622 --> 00:49:19,374
Igor, it's your boy Bert.

940
00:49:19,374 --> 00:49:21,918
You better have my watch, bitch.
Finish it up.

941
00:49:22,627 --> 00:49:25,463
He looks like the cartoon
on the vodka bottle.

942
00:49:25,838 --> 00:49:29,217
Only fatter. Yeah, with big titties.

943
00:49:30,134 --> 00:49:34,013
Someone is with him.
Volgovitch's daughter.

944
00:49:35,515 --> 00:49:37,600
Go to VIP car.

945
00:49:42,355 --> 00:49:45,817
Igor want to see you.
He will come to the bar car soon.

946
00:49:50,071 --> 00:49:53,991
But before that,
it would be an honor to party with you...

947
00:49:54,826 --> 00:49:55,827
Machine.

948
00:50:00,415 --> 00:50:01,708
<i>Strasvutsia,</i> bitches.

949
00:50:02,417 --> 00:50:03,251
Let's do it.

950
00:50:07,255 --> 00:50:09,924
You do drink like Russian.

951
00:50:12,885 --> 00:50:15,972
- Alcohol is the universal language.
-  Yes.

952
00:50:15,972 --> 00:50:18,141
We're all drunk on the inside.

953
00:50:20,727 --> 00:50:24,397
So when do we meet the real Machine, huh?

954
00:50:25,565 --> 00:50:26,858
All right, listen up.

955
00:50:27,525 --> 00:50:29,360
<i>♪ I did it all for the nookie ♪</i>

956
00:50:29,360 --> 00:50:30,278
<i>♪ Come on ♪</i>

957
00:50:30,278 --> 00:50:31,404
<i>- ♪ The nookie ♪
- ♪ Come on ♪</i>

958
00:50:31,404 --> 00:50:32,822
<i>♪ So you can take that cookie ♪</i>

959
00:50:32,822 --> 00:50:35,992
<i>♪ And stick it up your asshole
Stick it up your asshole ♪</i>

960
00:50:35,992 --> 00:50:37,368
<i>♪ Stick it up your asshole... ♪</i>

961
00:50:37,368 --> 00:50:40,121
Hey! Hey, excuse me!

962
00:50:40,121 --> 00:50:42,039
Yo, teach. Hey, check it out.

963
00:50:42,039 --> 00:50:44,876
I'm culturally bonding
with the indigenous citizens.

964
00:50:44,876 --> 00:50:48,880
Get your ass back to your cabin now!

965
00:50:49,797 --> 00:50:51,424
<i>♪ I did it all for the nookie ♪</i>

966
00:50:51,424 --> 00:50:53,259
<i>- ♪ Come on ♪
- ♪ The nookie ♪</i>

967
00:50:53,259 --> 00:50:55,178
<i>- ♪ Come on ♪
- ♪ So you can take that cookie... ♪</i>

968
00:50:57,180 --> 00:50:59,390
Fuck that bitch!

969
00:50:59,390 --> 00:51:00,892
This is...

970
00:51:00,892 --> 00:51:03,269
Russia!

971
00:51:03,269 --> 00:51:06,355
<i>Dad, you said I had to go
to Russia to find myself.</i>

972
00:51:06,355 --> 00:51:07,482
<i>Well, I did.</i>

973
00:51:07,482 --> 00:51:10,902
- I'm king of the world!

974
00:51:11,527 --> 00:51:13,029
<i>That's how I felt.</i>

975
00:51:13,029 --> 00:51:14,614
<i>I was king of the world.</i>

976
00:51:15,281 --> 00:51:16,157
Titanic?

977
00:51:16,157 --> 00:51:17,325
<i>Yeah, yeah, yeah.</i>

978
00:51:17,325 --> 00:51:19,702
I was stealing wholesale
from A-list movies,

979
00:51:19,702 --> 00:51:20,912
but it worked.

980
00:51:20,912 --> 00:51:22,538
Let me tell you something.

981
00:51:22,538 --> 00:51:26,459
Entertaining criminals
and sex workers was amazing.

982
00:51:26,459 --> 00:51:28,336
Maybe that's why I do so well
in Florida, huh?

983
00:51:29,629 --> 00:51:30,963
They don't even get it.

984
00:51:33,132 --> 00:51:35,009
Tell us more stories, Machine.

985
00:51:35,009 --> 00:51:37,053
The bar car was a blast.

986
00:51:37,053 --> 00:51:39,388
But it's also where shit got real.

987
00:51:39,388 --> 00:51:41,182
Uh, what do you want, Fedor?

988
00:51:42,642 --> 00:51:44,977
Bread. Okay, cool. Wait.

989
00:51:45,853 --> 00:51:47,647
- I knew you said "bread."
-  Yes.

990
00:51:47,647 --> 00:51:49,524
I'm picking up the language.
Give me another one, come on.

991
00:51:50,733 --> 00:51:51,859
Cheese.

992
00:51:51,859 --> 00:51:53,611
I'm basically fluent.

993
00:51:57,198 --> 00:51:58,825
Uh... money. Got it.

994
00:51:58,825 --> 00:52:00,243
Cool. Um...

995
00:52:01,369 --> 00:52:03,454
Oh, no, are we robbing this guy?

996
00:52:04,372 --> 00:52:05,540
Yeah, I don't...

997
00:52:05,540 --> 00:52:07,500
I don't really want to rob anyone.

998
00:52:07,500 --> 00:52:09,335
Yes, you do.

999
00:52:11,254 --> 00:52:13,381
Do it. Pussy.

1000
00:52:15,049 --> 00:52:18,886
First him, then train.

1001
00:52:18,886 --> 00:52:20,680
So that's what we did.

1002
00:52:20,680 --> 00:52:22,056
- We robbed the train.
-  Yeah.

1003
00:52:27,395 --> 00:52:29,272
<i>I was terrified.</i>

1004
00:52:30,439 --> 00:52:32,108
<i>They were practically giddy.</i>

1005
00:52:34,902 --> 00:52:38,948
<i>♪ This is our
"Music from A Bachelor's Den"... ♪</i>

1006
00:52:40,533 --> 00:52:41,617
Let's go.

1007
00:52:42,869 --> 00:52:44,537
<i>Fedor kept feeding me booze.</i>

1008
00:52:44,537 --> 00:52:48,249
Now you drink vodka.

1009
00:52:49,709 --> 00:52:51,335
Let's go. Drink.

1010
00:52:52,545 --> 00:52:53,546
That's it.

1011
00:52:56,173 --> 00:52:58,718
<i>I was completely out of control.</i>

1012
00:52:58,718 --> 00:53:01,470
<i>I mean, the rush of it.
Turned into a thrill.</i>

1013
00:53:01,470 --> 00:53:02,597
This is my room.

1014
00:53:03,347 --> 00:53:06,934
I was robbing the train
with the Russian mafia.

1015
00:53:06,934 --> 00:53:08,561
And I wasn't dying.

1016
00:53:08,561 --> 00:53:11,439
That's all my-- That's all my stuff.

1017
00:53:11,439 --> 00:53:13,774
Wait, wait, wait.
You're actually taking my stuff?

1018
00:53:14,567 --> 00:53:17,987
Oh, no, no, no, no.
That's my dad's, uh, knife.

1019
00:53:17,987 --> 00:53:19,488
You can't take that.

1020
00:53:19,488 --> 00:53:20,948
No, no, no.

1021
00:53:20,948 --> 00:53:23,910
You can take the other stuff.
But the knife?

1022
00:53:24,452 --> 00:53:26,037
- That's my dad's.
-  Really?

1023
00:53:26,037 --> 00:53:27,455
No go.

1024
00:53:27,455 --> 00:53:29,582
I can't take, huh?

1025
00:53:30,583 --> 00:53:31,959
I'm sorry, Dad.

1026
00:53:33,085 --> 00:53:34,253
I let him steal it.

1027
00:53:34,253 --> 00:53:35,671
<i>It's all yours.</i>

1028
00:53:40,551 --> 00:53:42,261
Machine.

1029
00:53:42,970 --> 00:53:43,804
Wow.

1030
00:53:44,430 --> 00:53:46,098
I would've cut out his heart

1031
00:53:46,098 --> 00:53:49,060
and make him watch it stop beating
with his last breath.

1032
00:53:50,603 --> 00:53:52,605
I guess we're just built different.

1033
00:53:52,605 --> 00:53:53,689
The watch.

1034
00:53:55,274 --> 00:53:56,901
<i>Once I got really drunk...</i>

1035
00:53:58,903 --> 00:54:00,279
<i>I robbed my class.</i>

1036
00:54:01,405 --> 00:54:02,865
<i>I robbed my whole class.</i>

1037
00:54:03,699 --> 00:54:05,368
What the hell? Get out.

1038
00:54:07,703 --> 00:54:10,456
Fuck that bitch. This is Russia.

1039
00:54:15,252 --> 00:54:16,379
Ash.

1040
00:54:16,379 --> 00:54:17,505
I'm...

1041
00:54:17,505 --> 00:54:20,883
Whoa! Woman hit man?

1042
00:54:20,883 --> 00:54:23,094
That is new.

1043
00:54:23,094 --> 00:54:26,973
I felt like a complete
and total piece of shit.

1044
00:54:27,890 --> 00:54:31,268
Give it. Fast, fast. Give me ring.

1045
00:54:31,978 --> 00:54:34,730
Let's go.

1046
00:54:36,857 --> 00:54:39,193
- Okay?
- That's it.

1047
00:54:39,193 --> 00:54:40,569
- Good boy.
- Okay.

1048
00:54:45,491 --> 00:54:46,826
I'll get it back.

1049
00:54:47,326 --> 00:54:48,494
I promise.

1050
00:54:50,162 --> 00:54:51,205
I'm sorry, Ash.

1051
00:54:51,747 --> 00:54:52,665
Yeah, fuck you.

1052
00:54:55,376 --> 00:54:57,253
Machine is the man.

1053
00:54:57,253 --> 00:55:01,340
Hey. Machine.
Igor need us in front of train.

1054
00:55:01,340 --> 00:55:03,342
You wait here. We come back with him.

1055
00:55:03,342 --> 00:55:04,510
Machine!

1056
00:55:05,344 --> 00:55:08,639
Enough of this pussy shit!

1057
00:55:09,432 --> 00:55:11,767
Do you talk about that part with...?

1058
00:55:12,810 --> 00:55:14,812
With Ashley when you do your show?

1059
00:55:14,812 --> 00:55:16,230
Obviously not, Dad.

1060
00:55:19,483 --> 00:55:21,318
<i>But I think about it sometimes.</i>

1061
00:55:21,902 --> 00:55:24,905
I think I liked that story better
when I thought it was a lie.

1062
00:55:30,578 --> 00:55:34,123
And then what? Story of you being
stupid idiot asshole is sad,

1063
00:55:34,123 --> 00:55:37,543
but you need to remember my watch.

1064
00:55:45,551 --> 00:55:47,053
Oh!

1065
00:55:49,847 --> 00:55:51,057
I remember.

1066
00:55:51,557 --> 00:55:53,809
There was one last private cabin.

1067
00:55:58,147 --> 00:56:02,485
{\an8} Please don't.
It's a family heirloom.

1068
00:56:02,485 --> 00:56:04,695
Fuck your heirloom.

1069
00:56:05,446 --> 00:56:06,447
Do it.

1070
00:56:08,991 --> 00:56:09,992
Sorry.

1071
00:56:38,854 --> 00:56:40,564
That was the watch.

1072
00:56:43,651 --> 00:56:45,444
My father was no criminal.

1073
00:56:47,238 --> 00:56:48,697
He was a salesman.

1074
00:56:50,241 --> 00:56:53,828
And then you stole
the only thing he ever cared about.

1075
00:56:54,703 --> 00:56:57,248
He called police,
but no one would help him.

1076
00:56:57,957 --> 00:57:00,376
It made him say, "Fuck honest living!

1077
00:57:00,376 --> 00:57:03,295
If you want respect, you have to take it."

1078
00:57:04,380 --> 00:57:07,967
And from there, he built our family.

1079
00:57:12,138 --> 00:57:13,305
Oh, my God.

1080
00:57:14,598 --> 00:57:16,559
I'm your origin story.

1081
00:57:17,226 --> 00:57:19,019
Most people see themselves as Batman...

1082
00:57:20,563 --> 00:57:22,648
not the guy who killed Batman's parents.

1083
00:57:22,648 --> 00:57:25,276
What did you do
with the watch after that?

1084
00:57:25,276 --> 00:57:27,403
We went back to the bar car.

1085
00:57:27,403 --> 00:57:29,822
Fedor went through all the stuff
that we stole.

1086
00:57:36,287 --> 00:57:38,205
- Ugh...

1087
00:57:38,205 --> 00:57:40,833
I hate this song.

1088
00:57:43,377 --> 00:57:45,462
Listen, in Russia,

1089
00:57:46,380 --> 00:57:50,467
we always give gifts to a new friend.

1090
00:57:51,093 --> 00:57:52,344
Take, Machine.

1091
00:57:54,263 --> 00:57:55,931
He gave you the watch?

1092
00:57:57,099 --> 00:58:00,019
- Where is it, Bert? I need to know.
-  I don't know.

1093
00:58:00,019 --> 00:58:01,061
Machine.

1094
00:58:02,396 --> 00:58:04,023
Igor is here.

1095
00:58:06,025 --> 00:58:10,237
Igor, I present to you the Machine.

1096
00:58:15,492 --> 00:58:18,204
Your friend has aged even worse than you.

1097
00:58:19,413 --> 00:58:21,540
My men say:

1098
00:58:22,166 --> 00:58:26,629
"Come to meet famous Machine
from a vodka bottle."

1099
00:58:26,629 --> 00:58:28,380
I say, "Why not?

1100
00:58:28,380 --> 00:58:29,924
You can take selfie."

1101
00:58:31,258 --> 00:58:33,052
But you're not famous.

1102
00:58:35,554 --> 00:58:37,264
You have tits.

1103
00:58:38,307 --> 00:58:39,850
Yeah, we've established that.

1104
00:58:39,850 --> 00:58:42,311
I don't know this guy. This isn't Igor.

1105
00:58:42,311 --> 00:58:43,604
Who are you?

1106
00:58:43,604 --> 00:58:46,440
I knew old Igor. My name is also Igor.

1107
00:58:47,233 --> 00:58:49,985
I took train from him, make him disappear.

1108
00:58:51,237 --> 00:58:52,404
My train now.

1109
00:58:53,030 --> 00:58:54,615
Wait, Igor's dead?

1110
00:58:55,157 --> 00:58:55,991
Yeah.

1111
00:58:56,492 --> 00:58:58,827
- And you're gonna die also.
-  Enough.

1112
00:59:00,329 --> 00:59:02,873
I'm Irina Ivanona Volgina.

1113
00:59:03,582 --> 00:59:05,376
You know who my father is.

1114
00:59:06,001 --> 00:59:08,921
These two dipshits belong to me.

1115
00:59:08,921 --> 00:59:12,800
Now go, if you want to live
to see your children again.

1116
00:59:14,551 --> 00:59:15,678
Stupid bitch.

1117
00:59:16,512 --> 00:59:18,264
You think I didn't ask for permission?

1118
00:59:18,931 --> 00:59:20,140
Permission?

1119
00:59:27,982 --> 00:59:29,400
All right!

1120
00:59:30,401 --> 00:59:31,735
Listen up.

1121
00:59:32,361 --> 00:59:34,321
- Never show fear, right?
- Yeah.

1122
00:59:34,321 --> 00:59:35,239
Now, look.

1123
00:59:35,781 --> 00:59:37,491
Wait, that's the knife you gave me.

1124
00:59:37,491 --> 00:59:39,952
No. I gave you one just like it.

1125
00:59:39,952 --> 00:59:41,912
I knew you couldn't be trusted
with the original.

1126
00:59:41,912 --> 00:59:43,789
- I'm not an idiot.
- Oh, my God.

1127
00:59:43,789 --> 00:59:45,833
You heard me pining about that knife.

1128
00:59:45,833 --> 00:59:48,794
You knew I felt guilty for losing it
for like 25 years!

1129
00:59:48,794 --> 00:59:49,962
That's enough.

1130
00:59:50,546 --> 00:59:52,172
Dad, stab this bald fucker.

1131
00:59:52,172 --> 00:59:53,549
I'm sorry, son.

1132
00:59:54,133 --> 00:59:55,467
- But...
-  I can't breathe.

1133
00:59:55,467 --> 00:59:59,847
...I swore I would never use
a weapon for violence.

1134
01:00:09,732 --> 01:00:10,566
Hello.

1135
01:00:13,652 --> 01:00:14,820
Whoa!

1136
01:00:15,654 --> 01:00:16,780
Oh, my God.

1137
01:00:17,573 --> 01:00:18,949
She cut his throat, Dad.

1138
01:00:18,949 --> 01:00:20,951
Oh, no, don't touch it. It's bad.

1139
01:00:20,951 --> 01:00:22,536
Oh, why is he touching it?

1140
01:00:22,536 --> 01:00:24,705
Oh, no. Why are you smiling?

1141
01:00:25,622 --> 01:00:27,041
Stop. Stop right there. Stop.

1142
01:00:27,041 --> 01:00:29,460
What am I supposed to do, Dad?
What am I supposed to do?

1143
01:00:29,460 --> 01:00:30,544
Hit him, son.

1144
01:00:35,132 --> 01:00:36,842
Oh, my God, Dad, I'm inside him!

1145
01:00:36,842 --> 01:00:39,636
- Oh, my God!

1146
01:00:40,721 --> 01:00:43,349
Let go of my arm! I'll try to get it out!

1147
01:00:43,349 --> 01:00:45,059
He's so warm!

1148
01:00:45,059 --> 01:00:47,603
No, no, no, no, no! God!

1149
01:00:52,274 --> 01:00:54,401
God! Help me let go!

1150
01:00:54,401 --> 01:00:56,236
God! You're, like, fisting his neck.

1151
01:00:56,236 --> 01:00:57,446
Help me!

1152
01:00:57,446 --> 01:00:59,281
Son of a bitch! God!

1153
01:00:59,281 --> 01:01:01,909
It's like a pickle jar.
Just let go of the pickle.

1154
01:01:01,909 --> 01:01:04,745
Damn it, Dad.
It's nothing like a pickle jar!

1155
01:01:04,745 --> 01:01:05,829
Oh, shit!

1156
01:01:05,829 --> 01:01:07,539
- Incoming!

1157
01:01:07,539 --> 01:01:10,084
Pull, pull, pull, pull,
pull, pull, pull, pull!

1158
01:01:15,714 --> 01:01:16,799
Oh, my God!

1159
01:01:16,799 --> 01:01:18,634
Get it off! Get it off me!

1160
01:01:18,634 --> 01:01:20,010
Get it off me!

1161
01:01:20,010 --> 01:01:21,887
No, not that way! The other way!

1162
01:01:25,641 --> 01:01:29,061
Hey, were you saying "pull" or "pole"?

1163
01:01:29,061 --> 01:01:31,563
Does it really fucking matter, Dad?!

1164
01:01:32,231 --> 01:01:34,233
Why did he say
he had permission to kill us?

1165
01:01:36,026 --> 01:01:38,278
I know where we can find out.

1166
01:01:42,116 --> 01:01:44,868
Uh, hello.
Can I have your attention, please?

1167
01:01:45,452 --> 01:01:49,039
We're here looking
for whoever sent that large, bald man

1168
01:01:49,039 --> 01:01:51,041
to kill me and my son.

1169
01:01:51,041 --> 01:01:52,334
Dad. Hey, Dad.

1170
01:01:53,001 --> 01:01:53,836
Dad.

1171
01:01:53,836 --> 01:01:55,796
Maybe ease up on the Russian mafia, okay?

1172
01:02:04,972 --> 01:02:07,182
-  Alexei.
- Hm. It is so nice to see you, sister.

1173
01:02:07,182 --> 01:02:08,100
ALEXEI

1174
01:02:08,100 --> 01:02:10,561
- You have another brother?
-  Mm.

1175
01:02:10,561 --> 01:02:13,230
<i>Da.</i> Three of us. Now two.

1176
01:02:13,230 --> 01:02:14,898
But thank you for killing him.

1177
01:02:15,899 --> 01:02:17,734
He was pain in ass.

1178
01:02:19,027 --> 01:02:20,487
And very stupid.

1179
01:02:21,905 --> 01:02:23,907
You have the meanest family of all time.

1180
01:02:23,907 --> 01:02:26,577
Kind of you to say, Machine.

1181
01:02:27,286 --> 01:02:30,497
I can't agree with your methods
or your business model,

1182
01:02:30,497 --> 01:02:32,833
but it warms my heart to see a son

1183
01:02:32,833 --> 01:02:35,461
willing to take on his father's legacy.

1184
01:02:35,461 --> 01:02:38,464
Albert, Machine's father.

1185
01:02:40,632 --> 01:02:41,884
Oh, sister.

1186
01:02:41,884 --> 01:02:44,761
I intend to bring our father
the watch Machine stole.

1187
01:02:44,761 --> 01:02:46,096
It is over.

1188
01:02:47,181 --> 01:02:48,348
Give me Machine.

1189
01:02:48,348 --> 01:02:50,309
Machine leads me to watch.

1190
01:02:50,309 --> 01:02:51,768
I win.

1191
01:02:51,768 --> 01:02:53,812
All right. You win.

1192
01:02:53,812 --> 01:02:55,189
You get the watch.

1193
01:02:57,024 --> 01:02:58,233
It is here?

1194
01:02:58,233 --> 01:03:00,068
Oh, yeah. It is here.

1195
01:03:01,278 --> 01:03:02,154
In this room.

1196
01:03:03,989 --> 01:03:06,867
We don't have it. We came to collect it.

1197
01:03:10,037 --> 01:03:10,913
From him.

1198
01:03:11,455 --> 01:03:12,581
Keyser Söze.

1199
01:03:13,832 --> 01:03:15,417
Keyser Söze?

1200
01:03:15,417 --> 01:03:18,128
Yeah, he has it. Go ahead, give it to him.

1201
01:03:18,128 --> 01:03:20,047
Who the fuck is Keyser Soze?

1202
01:03:20,047 --> 01:03:22,216
-  Yep, it's his now.

1203
01:03:22,216 --> 01:03:24,843
- I'm out of the equation.

1204
01:03:34,186 --> 01:03:35,521
Where are we going?

1205
01:03:35,521 --> 01:03:36,939
You're gonna get us all killed!

1206
01:03:36,939 --> 01:03:38,273
Shut up and run.

1207
01:03:40,275 --> 01:03:41,318
There we go.

1208
01:03:52,454 --> 01:03:53,455
Fuck!

1209
01:03:56,208 --> 01:03:59,670
Tsk, tsk, tsk. You make me chase you.

1210
01:04:02,589 --> 01:04:03,799
Not nice.

1211
01:04:06,051 --> 01:04:08,011
You think you're so cool.

1212
01:04:08,804 --> 01:04:12,057
Sister, do you really think
you'd take over family?

1213
01:04:14,309 --> 01:04:15,310
Why?

1214
01:04:16,770 --> 01:04:18,605
I'm strong. I'm smart.

1215
01:04:18,605 --> 01:04:20,566
Please. You are a woman.

1216
01:04:22,734 --> 01:04:24,319
The world is changing.

1217
01:04:25,153 --> 01:04:26,655
Even for our family.

1218
01:04:26,655 --> 01:04:30,492
Father and I,
we laugh about your delusions.

1219
01:04:33,704 --> 01:04:36,999
You and Father always underestimate me.

1220
01:04:38,709 --> 01:04:39,793
But you know what?

1221
01:04:41,461 --> 01:04:43,714
I deserve to be treated as an equal.

1222
01:04:44,673 --> 01:04:45,674
Agreed.

1223
01:04:52,556 --> 01:04:53,557
Huh.

1224
01:05:04,943 --> 01:05:06,361
-  Hey.
- Jesus.

1225
01:05:06,361 --> 01:05:08,238
I like this feminism thing.

1226
01:05:09,406 --> 01:05:12,743
And if you don't want me
to kill your father next,

1227
01:05:13,285 --> 01:05:15,120
you will take me to the watch.

1228
01:05:15,120 --> 01:05:18,165
All right. Stop, stop, stop, stop.
I'm gonna do whatever you want.

1229
01:05:18,165 --> 01:05:20,375
Don't hurt my father, okay?
Give me a second.

1230
01:05:20,375 --> 01:05:22,419
Dad. Dad, Dad, Dad.
Listen to me. Listen to me.

1231
01:05:22,419 --> 01:05:23,837
We're gonna be fine.
We're gonna be a team.

1232
01:05:23,837 --> 01:05:25,380
Dad, listen to me right now, okay?

1233
01:05:25,380 --> 01:05:27,966
<i>Butch Cassidy and Sundance.</i>
End of the movie, Dad.

1234
01:05:27,966 --> 01:05:30,510
- Waterfall. We're gonna waterfall.
- Enough.

1235
01:05:32,971 --> 01:05:35,057
This is for your own good.

1236
01:05:41,980 --> 01:05:46,068
Dad!

1237
01:05:56,953 --> 01:06:00,040
My son is a moron.
You were wasting your time.

1238
01:06:00,040 --> 01:06:01,667
I'll help find your watch.

1239
01:06:02,292 --> 01:06:06,338
But only if you promise
to keep my granddaughter safe.

1240
01:06:12,636 --> 01:06:15,472
You are a very good father.

1241
01:06:27,401 --> 01:06:28,735
<i>A cop pulled us over.</i>

1242
01:06:28,735 --> 01:06:30,362
<i>Dad, there's a cop.</i>

1243
01:06:30,362 --> 01:06:33,365
<i>Officer, no,
I don't have a driver's license.</i>

1244
01:06:33,365 --> 01:06:35,450
<i>My dad's in the backseat.</i>

1245
01:06:35,450 --> 01:06:38,120
<i>Dad, stop. Shit, Dad.</i>

1246
01:06:38,120 --> 01:06:39,287
<i>Dad, wake up.</i>

1247
01:06:43,333 --> 01:06:46,128
Oh, God.

1248
01:06:51,049 --> 01:06:52,384
Oh, shit.

1249
01:06:53,802 --> 01:06:55,846
Ow!

1250
01:06:55,846 --> 01:06:58,014
Son of a bitch.

1251
01:07:07,357 --> 01:07:09,943
Hello?

1252
01:07:09,943 --> 01:07:11,194
Fucking Dad.

1253
01:07:12,446 --> 01:07:13,447
I'm tired.

1254
01:07:14,656 --> 01:07:17,325
I'm sore. I'm hungry.

1255
01:07:18,201 --> 01:07:19,202
I'm hungry.

1256
01:07:25,959 --> 01:07:27,210
Thank you, Ash.

1257
01:07:51,860 --> 01:07:52,944
Wait.

1258
01:07:53,779 --> 01:07:54,613
Hey.

1259
01:07:54,613 --> 01:07:55,947
Is my daughter okay?

1260
01:07:56,573 --> 01:07:57,407
No.

1261
01:07:59,951 --> 01:08:02,245
<i>My son is a moron.</i>

1262
01:08:04,289 --> 01:08:05,916
Hey, what's up, sleepyhead?

1263
01:08:06,458 --> 01:08:08,877
- What's this thing?
- It's a mace.

1264
01:08:09,628 --> 01:08:10,921
The fuck are you doing here?

1265
01:08:10,921 --> 01:08:13,173
Oh, I'm not here. You're just really high.

1266
01:08:16,176 --> 01:08:17,636
I am really high.

1267
01:08:22,265 --> 01:08:24,726
God, I came to Russia to become a man.

1268
01:08:24,726 --> 01:08:26,812
All I became was an asshole criminal.

1269
01:08:26,812 --> 01:08:29,898
Yeah. You're gonna hang on to that
for a while.

1270
01:08:29,898 --> 01:08:32,108
A lot of it,
all the shit that happened on the train.

1271
01:08:32,734 --> 01:08:35,779
But, hey, that shirtless idiot thing?

1272
01:08:36,238 --> 01:08:38,240
It pays off bigtime.

1273
01:08:38,240 --> 01:08:39,407
- Really?
- Oh, yeah.

1274
01:08:39,407 --> 01:08:41,117
- Yeah?
- Oh, dude.

1275
01:08:41,117 --> 01:08:44,246
This trip to Russia sets you on a path.

1276
01:08:44,830 --> 01:08:46,957
You, my friend,
are great at making people laugh.

1277
01:08:46,957 --> 01:08:48,083
Thanks, man.

1278
01:08:48,083 --> 01:08:49,167
Yeah.

1279
01:08:49,668 --> 01:08:51,586
- I am gonna be okay.
- Yeah.

1280
01:08:52,254 --> 01:08:54,005
And then your wife's
gonna put you in therapy.

1281
01:08:54,005 --> 01:08:55,090
Whoa.

1282
01:08:55,090 --> 01:08:56,883
- We're married?
- Oh, yeah.

1283
01:08:56,883 --> 01:08:58,260
Is she hot?

1284
01:08:58,260 --> 01:08:59,970
- I mean, yeah.
- Wait, what do you mean?

1285
01:08:59,970 --> 01:09:03,223
I mean, I think she's hot.
I think she's hot. I mean, she's 50.

1286
01:09:05,642 --> 01:09:07,686
You married a 50-year-old?

1287
01:09:08,270 --> 01:09:10,897
Dude, what the fuck?
I thought you said we were gonna be okay.

1288
01:09:10,897 --> 01:09:12,399
No, I forgot how dumb I am.

1289
01:09:12,399 --> 01:09:13,817
We married her when she was 30.

1290
01:09:13,817 --> 01:09:16,611
She was-- She still is a smoke show.
She's hot as shit, okay?

1291
01:09:16,611 --> 01:09:18,572
- Okay.
- Don't make me defend our wife.

1292
01:09:19,489 --> 01:09:20,574
She's a great mom.

1293
01:09:20,574 --> 01:09:21,700
Whoa.

1294
01:09:21,700 --> 01:09:22,617
We got kids?

1295
01:09:22,617 --> 01:09:23,702
- Yeah.
- Boys?

1296
01:09:23,702 --> 01:09:25,370
- Mm...
- Ah, I knew we'd have boys.

1297
01:09:25,370 --> 01:09:26,788
I always wanted to have boys.

1298
01:09:26,788 --> 01:09:28,206
Look at us.

1299
01:09:28,206 --> 01:09:31,877
Both of us just figuring ourselves out.

1300
01:09:32,752 --> 01:09:33,628
Ah.

1301
01:09:33,628 --> 01:09:35,171
Well, I am.

1302
01:09:35,797 --> 01:09:37,340
You're still pretty lost.

1303
01:09:37,340 --> 01:09:40,051
I mean, you're literally lost in a forest.

1304
01:09:40,051 --> 01:09:41,469
High on a pot brownie.

1305
01:09:41,469 --> 01:09:44,014
'Cause your dad kicked you off a train.

1306
01:09:44,014 --> 01:09:45,348
Because he hates you.

1307
01:09:45,348 --> 01:09:48,560
Because you can't save your own daughter,
who hates you.

1308
01:09:48,560 --> 01:09:51,646
Now your wife's gonna hate you.
Your whole family pretty much hates you.

1309
01:09:51,646 --> 01:09:52,981
Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

1310
01:09:52,981 --> 01:09:55,400
I know this. I know this.
Why are you doing this to me?

1311
01:09:55,400 --> 01:09:58,069
'Cause I'm trying to save you.
You're about to get shot.

1312
01:09:59,613 --> 01:10:00,447
How so?

1313
01:10:00,447 --> 01:10:03,950
You're about to get shot.

1314
01:10:03,950 --> 01:10:06,036
Meaning what?

1315
01:10:06,036 --> 01:10:07,787
You're under fire.

1316
01:10:21,384 --> 01:10:22,844
Fuck! God!

1317
01:10:23,678 --> 01:10:24,846
Oh, my God!

1318
01:10:26,264 --> 01:10:27,265
Fuck.

1319
01:10:46,618 --> 01:10:47,702
Bert?

1320
01:10:48,536 --> 01:10:49,537
Igor?

1321
01:10:53,708 --> 01:10:55,752
- Bert.
- Igor!

1322
01:10:56,670 --> 01:10:58,588
- Machina!
- Igor!

1323
01:10:58,588 --> 01:11:01,508
You look like a big bear. I mean, what?

1324
01:11:01,508 --> 01:11:02,968
- Oh!

1325
01:11:02,968 --> 01:11:05,804
- God.
- My friend, you are here.

1326
01:11:05,804 --> 01:11:09,432
I can't believe you're alive.
Oh, shit. It's good to see you.

1327
01:11:13,812 --> 01:11:15,188
Do you have any snacks?

1328
01:11:18,733 --> 01:11:20,819
This is my home.

1329
01:11:20,819 --> 01:11:21,987
For years now.

1330
01:11:21,987 --> 01:11:24,948
- Nice. It's kind of like West Virginia.
- Yeah. West Vagina.

1331
01:11:24,948 --> 01:11:27,993
Igor! Deuces.

1332
01:11:27,993 --> 01:11:29,619
That's uncircumcised.

1333
01:11:32,163 --> 01:11:33,832
- You almost hit that guy, Igor.
- Yeah.

1334
01:11:35,417 --> 01:11:36,751
It's a tradition here.

1335
01:11:37,377 --> 01:11:38,670
Ah, look at this.

1336
01:11:39,295 --> 01:11:40,338
This is it.

1337
01:11:40,338 --> 01:11:41,256
IGOR'S VILLAGE

1338
01:11:41,256 --> 01:11:42,590
-  This is your house?
-  Yeah.

1339
01:11:48,138 --> 01:11:49,681
Holy shit.

1340
01:11:49,681 --> 01:11:52,767
Oh! Wait, are these all your kids?

1341
01:11:52,767 --> 01:11:55,520
Yeah, this is most of my kids.

1342
01:11:55,520 --> 01:11:58,815
- Oh, my God.

1343
01:11:59,524 --> 01:12:01,234
Jesus, you know you can pull out, right?

1344
01:12:01,234 --> 01:12:04,320
Yes, but my dick
is little bit longer, so I'm like:

1345
01:12:04,320 --> 01:12:06,573
- Oh, like a magician.
- Magician!

1346
01:12:06,573 --> 01:12:08,408
- With the scarves!
- Yeah.

1347
01:12:08,408 --> 01:12:09,868
- Hey.
- I missed you.

1348
01:12:14,706 --> 01:12:15,665
...Machina!

1349
01:12:15,665 --> 01:12:17,625
Hey! Yeah!

1350
01:12:17,625 --> 01:12:19,210
- Oh, Machina!
- Yeah!

1351
01:12:25,675 --> 01:12:26,509
Huh?

1352
01:12:28,094 --> 01:12:28,928
Igor.

1353
01:12:28,928 --> 01:12:30,472
Igor, Igor.

1354
01:12:33,767 --> 01:12:36,895
My wife, she's a big fan of you, Machine.

1355
01:12:36,895 --> 01:12:38,438
- Oh!
- Many in village are.

1356
01:12:38,438 --> 01:12:40,190
They listen to your podcast.

1357
01:12:40,190 --> 01:12:42,108
Why no new episodes?

1358
01:12:42,108 --> 01:12:44,027
Igor, have you killed the bear?

1359
01:12:44,027 --> 01:12:49,532
Not yet, but this is better!
I find friend, Machine. Real one!

1360
01:12:50,617 --> 01:12:53,787
Blessed day for our village!

1361
01:12:53,787 --> 01:12:59,042
First you find Machine,
Then I find whore!

1362
01:12:59,042 --> 01:13:00,919
-  She find whore.
- What?

1363
01:13:10,261 --> 01:13:13,139
- Holy shit! Irina! You're alive!

1364
01:13:13,139 --> 01:13:15,308
How the fuck are you still alive?

1365
01:13:15,308 --> 01:13:17,727
Goddamn it. Oh, my God!

1366
01:13:18,269 --> 01:13:20,355
Would you like to buy her for the fucking?

1367
01:13:20,355 --> 01:13:21,856
I don't know.

1368
01:13:21,856 --> 01:13:23,942
What do you think? How much?

1369
01:13:23,942 --> 01:13:25,693
More than you have.

1370
01:13:26,402 --> 01:13:27,695
I don't know, maybe--

1371
01:13:27,695 --> 01:13:29,906
Oh, my God! What happened to your leg?

1372
01:13:29,906 --> 01:13:31,199
Oh, that looks bad.

1373
01:13:31,199 --> 01:13:33,076
Here, tell me if you feel this.

1374
01:13:33,076 --> 01:13:34,494
- Oh!

1375
01:13:34,494 --> 01:13:36,704
Igor! Help! I know this whore!

1376
01:13:36,704 --> 01:13:38,081
Let's get her in your house!

1377
01:13:38,081 --> 01:13:40,750
- Here.
- Igor, do you have any hydrogen peroxide?

1378
01:13:40,750 --> 01:13:44,129
Uh... no,
but we have many kind of animal spit.

1379
01:13:44,129 --> 01:13:45,797
- Okay, well, here you go.
- Fuck!

1380
01:13:45,797 --> 01:13:47,799
Okay, you're fine. No, no, no. We're good.

1381
01:13:47,799 --> 01:13:50,176
- Fuck!
- Just get me something to dress it with.

1382
01:13:50,176 --> 01:13:53,429
- I gotta get this boot off.

1383
01:13:53,429 --> 01:13:56,057
- Okay. Okay, here we go.
- Okay. Wait, wait, be careful.

1384
01:13:57,892 --> 01:13:59,435
-  All right.

1385
01:14:00,061 --> 01:14:02,605
Oh, it's pretty bad. Okay.

1386
01:14:03,690 --> 01:14:05,984
- Oh, is it bad?
- It's not that bad.

1387
01:14:05,984 --> 01:14:08,027
- Is it that bad? Oh, fuck!
- It's not that bad.

1388
01:14:08,027 --> 01:14:10,155
I just can't look at it.

1389
01:14:10,155 --> 01:14:11,447
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

1390
01:14:11,447 --> 01:14:13,199
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- Fuck!

1391
01:14:13,199 --> 01:14:14,742
It's fine. It's fine.

1392
01:14:15,368 --> 01:14:17,245
Did you just put it in your pocket?

1393
01:14:17,245 --> 01:14:18,663
I didn't know where to put it.

1394
01:14:18,663 --> 01:14:21,416
Oh, I'm gonna be sick now. Oh, fuck!

1395
01:14:21,416 --> 01:14:23,877
Don't you throw up.
If you throw up, I'm gonna throw up.

1396
01:14:23,877 --> 01:14:26,254
Don't throw up. Don't throw up.
Please don't throw up.

1397
01:14:26,254 --> 01:14:29,757
- I won't throw up. You don't throw up.
- I won't throw up, if you don't throw up.

1398
01:14:29,757 --> 01:14:31,467
- I'll trust you. Okay.
- Deal.

1399
01:14:31,467 --> 01:14:33,469
Oh, God. Okay.

1400
01:14:34,888 --> 01:14:37,473
- Just do something about it!
- I don't think I can do this.

1401
01:14:38,183 --> 01:14:39,517
Give me a pep talk.

1402
01:14:39,517 --> 01:14:42,270
- Just pull it out. You can do it.
- Okay.

1403
01:14:42,270 --> 01:14:44,689
- I can do it?
- You can do it. Just pull it out. Okay?

1404
01:14:44,689 --> 01:14:46,482
- One, two...
- Three, two...

1405
01:14:46,482 --> 01:14:47,442
No, wait. No, wait.

1406
01:14:47,442 --> 01:14:50,111
- Three! Two! One!
- Three! Two! One!

1407
01:14:55,825 --> 01:14:57,410
I did it! I did it!

1408
01:14:58,244 --> 01:14:59,787
You're not gonna...

1409
01:15:08,004 --> 01:15:10,256
So anyway, I shoot the dude,

1410
01:15:10,256 --> 01:15:12,842
he shoots another dude,
dude shoots another dude.

1411
01:15:12,842 --> 01:15:16,012
Three dudes, one--
Four-- Three-- Three bullets.

1412
01:15:16,012 --> 01:15:18,598
It was top ten all-time kills for me.
Hell, yeah!

1413
01:15:18,598 --> 01:15:20,516
Yeah. Oh, is this...?

1414
01:15:20,516 --> 01:15:23,436
- Are we high-fiving a murder?
- Yeah.

1415
01:15:23,436 --> 01:15:25,730
Hey, where is your father now?

1416
01:15:25,730 --> 01:15:27,899
Who the fuck knows?

1417
01:15:27,899 --> 01:15:30,777
Let me tell you something.
If he is alive, I'm fucking killing him.

1418
01:15:32,362 --> 01:15:34,405
Hey, Igor, what brought you here?

1419
01:15:34,405 --> 01:15:36,407
Hey, thanks to you, Bert.

1420
01:15:36,407 --> 01:15:38,076
- Me?
- Yeah.

1421
01:15:38,076 --> 01:15:39,160
What?

1422
01:15:39,160 --> 01:15:42,622
When I saw how you find joy
in every moment,

1423
01:15:42,622 --> 01:15:46,167
it make me think, "Mafia is dangerous."

1424
01:15:47,418 --> 01:15:48,795
Not easy life.

1425
01:15:48,795 --> 01:15:53,383
And one day,
as I strangle man for not paying me for...

1426
01:15:54,676 --> 01:15:55,885
ah, whatever,

1427
01:15:55,885 --> 01:15:58,596
- I remembered something you say.
- What?

1428
01:15:58,596 --> 01:16:02,558
You told me most important thing in life,

1429
01:16:02,558 --> 01:16:04,602
it is to find your smile.

1430
01:16:05,436 --> 01:16:06,562
- Oh!
- Eh?

1431
01:16:07,272 --> 01:16:09,190
- Ho, ho, ho. Igor.
- Huh?

1432
01:16:09,190 --> 01:16:11,484
I stole that from <i>City Slickers.</i>

1433
01:16:12,026 --> 01:16:14,904
Billy Crystal? 1980s? Cowboys? Nothing?

1434
01:16:14,904 --> 01:16:17,282
His whole deal is stealing shit.

1435
01:16:17,282 --> 01:16:19,617
Back then, Irina. Okay?

1436
01:16:19,617 --> 01:16:22,578
Hey, I just left. It was my choice.

1437
01:16:22,578 --> 01:16:23,997
My smile.

1438
01:16:23,997 --> 01:16:26,374
Mafia was not my smile.

1439
01:16:26,374 --> 01:16:29,168
This was. Children, family, Sonia.

1440
01:16:29,669 --> 01:16:33,214
In mafia, I would have died.

1441
01:16:33,214 --> 01:16:35,925
But I have this, thanks to you, Bert.

1442
01:16:35,925 --> 01:16:37,677
You saved my life.

1443
01:16:41,514 --> 01:16:42,807
Good for you, Igor.

1444
01:16:43,641 --> 01:16:45,518
Hey, at least
I didn't ruin his life, right?

1445
01:16:50,481 --> 01:16:51,482
Bert?

1446
01:16:57,030 --> 01:16:58,072
Bert?

1447
01:17:02,035 --> 01:17:04,370
Hey. Are you asleep?

1448
01:17:05,121 --> 01:17:06,122
Yeah.

1449
01:17:06,664 --> 01:17:09,542
What is this thing you did
that made your daughter hate you?

1450
01:17:15,006 --> 01:17:16,007
All right.

1451
01:17:18,384 --> 01:17:22,096
So me and my big, fat friend Tom,
we're doing a podcast,

1452
01:17:22,680 --> 01:17:25,391
and we get accidentally very fucked up.

1453
01:17:26,768 --> 01:17:28,978
- That's not so bad.
- Wait for it.

1454
01:17:28,978 --> 01:17:31,689
So Sasha's 15, right?
She's got her learner's permit.

1455
01:17:32,315 --> 01:17:34,609
I'm like, "Hey, come out to me.

1456
01:17:35,360 --> 01:17:38,154
Get my car, drive me home."
Right? Bam, bam.

1457
01:17:39,697 --> 01:17:42,575
You asked your teenage daughter
to drive you home drunk?

1458
01:17:42,575 --> 01:17:44,660
It gets worse, okay?

1459
01:17:44,660 --> 01:17:46,120
She rolls a stop sign.

1460
01:17:46,746 --> 01:17:48,081
Cop pulls her over.

1461
01:17:50,541 --> 01:17:54,545
Turns out, having a parent in the car
doesn't count if the parent's trashed.

1462
01:17:56,881 --> 01:18:00,718
She can't get her license for two years.
I got a misdemeanor. It was awful.

1463
01:18:00,718 --> 01:18:03,262
Well, if that's everything,
that's not so bad.

1464
01:18:03,971 --> 01:18:07,308
I wish that was the worst thing
my father ever did to me.

1465
01:18:07,308 --> 01:18:09,352
It almost sounds nice.

1466
01:18:11,562 --> 01:18:14,399
Four minutes before I passed out,
I started a livestream.

1467
01:18:15,233 --> 01:18:17,402
And I livestreamed the entire event.

1468
01:18:18,194 --> 01:18:19,821
It immediately went viral.

1469
01:18:20,988 --> 01:18:22,949
Next weekend was Father's Day.

1470
01:18:24,826 --> 01:18:26,327
She was so mad.

1471
01:18:28,413 --> 01:18:30,581
Oh, God,
she didn't talk to me for a month.

1472
01:18:32,792 --> 01:18:34,168
It was a wake-up call.

1473
01:18:41,426 --> 01:18:45,888
I've been this party guy for so long,
I don't even know who I am anymore.

1474
01:18:50,560 --> 01:18:56,065
Then maybe you're not supposed
to be only Bert.

1475
01:18:58,776 --> 01:19:00,445
Look what you did for Igor.

1476
01:19:01,696 --> 01:19:04,949
Your stupid drunk talk, it saved his life.

1477
01:19:06,784 --> 01:19:08,161
I don't follow.

1478
01:19:11,122 --> 01:19:14,333
We do not grow
by destroying part of ourselves.

1479
01:19:14,834 --> 01:19:17,587
We grow
by finding a balance between parts.

1480
01:19:18,838 --> 01:19:20,756
Balance like Steve Urkel.

1481
01:19:23,426 --> 01:19:24,510
Did you just say "Urkel"?

1482
01:19:24,510 --> 01:19:28,139
It's a reference to one of
my favorite American television shows.

1483
01:19:28,139 --> 01:19:29,557
<i>Family Matters.</i>

1484
01:19:29,557 --> 01:19:30,933
You know it?

1485
01:19:30,933 --> 01:19:34,061
Yeah. Wait. But wait.
What the fuck's Urkel got to do with this?

1486
01:19:34,061 --> 01:19:35,396
Oh!

1487
01:19:35,396 --> 01:19:38,733
In season five,
Steve Urkel takes this potion

1488
01:19:38,733 --> 01:19:43,070
that transforms him into Stefan Urquelle,
like, this cool version of him.

1489
01:19:43,070 --> 01:19:45,364
Everyone starts hating him,
but what does he do?

1490
01:19:45,364 --> 01:19:47,533
He doesn't surrender.

1491
01:19:47,533 --> 01:19:49,035
He improves his formula,

1492
01:19:49,035 --> 01:19:52,455
and in the end,
he gets best of both worlds.

1493
01:19:53,122 --> 01:19:55,583
You are the Machine and Bert.

1494
01:19:56,209 --> 01:19:57,877
You have both sides.

1495
01:19:57,877 --> 01:20:00,880
But now you need to balance.

1496
01:20:04,717 --> 01:20:05,551
I get it.

1497
01:20:06,594 --> 01:20:08,179
Goddamn it.

1498
01:20:08,971 --> 01:20:11,057
Can't believe I slept on <i>Family Matters.</i>

1499
01:20:11,057 --> 01:20:13,976
Oh, you should definitely watch it.
It's very good.

1500
01:20:16,103 --> 01:20:17,730
"Did I do that?"

1501
01:20:17,730 --> 01:20:19,607
He watched it.

1502
01:20:21,526 --> 01:20:24,654
When communists came,
politburo burned down the church

1503
01:20:24,654 --> 01:20:26,781
and build this factory.

1504
01:20:26,781 --> 01:20:29,909
When the communists leave, factory closed.

1505
01:20:29,909 --> 01:20:33,079
When I came to the village,
I helped them build this.

1506
01:20:33,079 --> 01:20:35,331
-  You built this?
-  No, no. Inside.

1507
01:20:41,462 --> 01:20:44,173
I took you here
because building this place,

1508
01:20:44,173 --> 01:20:46,217
feeling closer to God,

1509
01:20:46,217 --> 01:20:48,719
taught me how to forgive myself.

1510
01:20:48,719 --> 01:20:53,015
You know, for all the bad things
that I did, murders,

1511
01:20:53,599 --> 01:20:55,059
all those years ago.

1512
01:20:55,935 --> 01:20:59,605
Why do you think I hooked you up
with the train <i>banditti?</i>

1513
01:20:59,605 --> 01:21:01,524
I don't know.
To show them a good time?

1514
01:21:01,524 --> 01:21:03,442
<i>Da.</i> And?

1515
01:21:04,652 --> 01:21:06,737
To keep your class safe.

1516
01:21:07,655 --> 01:21:09,657
Train <i>banditti</i> are very dangerous.

1517
01:21:09,657 --> 01:21:11,826
They do terrible things to the passengers.

1518
01:21:11,826 --> 01:21:15,538
I introduced them to Machine
to distract them,

1519
01:21:15,538 --> 01:21:18,291
<i>by doing what he always does.</i>

1520
01:21:18,916 --> 01:21:21,377
Yeah. I robbed a lot of people, Igor.

1521
01:21:21,377 --> 01:21:22,628
So?

1522
01:21:23,170 --> 01:21:25,464
Was anyone hurt, killed?

1523
01:21:25,464 --> 01:21:27,883
You spit in a girl's face.
You were an asshole.

1524
01:21:27,883 --> 01:21:30,970
<i>- But your class, they were safe</i>

1525
01:21:30,970 --> 01:21:34,098
because you did exactly
what you're supposed to do,

1526
01:21:34,098 --> 01:21:37,184
by showing them good time,
making them laugh.

1527
01:21:37,184 --> 01:21:39,520
You protected those people.

1528
01:21:39,520 --> 01:21:42,815
That is what a man does.

1529
01:21:44,025 --> 01:21:45,192
Goddamn it.

1530
01:21:45,192 --> 01:21:47,445
Seems you're a good man, Bert.

1531
01:21:49,405 --> 01:21:51,490
- Thanks, Irina.

1532
01:21:51,490 --> 01:21:53,075
It's time to feed kids.

1533
01:21:53,075 --> 01:21:56,454
Holy shit! That's the watch! Oh!

1534
01:21:56,454 --> 01:21:57,747
My father's watch.

1535
01:22:03,919 --> 01:22:05,671
How do you have that?

1536
01:22:05,671 --> 01:22:08,341
You gave it to me when you left Russia.

1537
01:22:08,341 --> 01:22:10,760
You said it was thank you
for being a true friend.

1538
01:22:10,760 --> 01:22:12,803
You were very, very drunk.

1539
01:22:14,138 --> 01:22:15,640
I was embarrassed taking it,

1540
01:22:15,640 --> 01:22:17,975
but the words were nice,
so I just took it.

1541
01:22:17,975 --> 01:22:19,810
Sweet, drunk words.

1542
01:22:19,810 --> 01:22:20,895
God, yes.

1543
01:22:21,520 --> 01:22:22,855
Let's go, Bert.

1544
01:22:22,855 --> 01:22:24,690
I have an empire to claim.

1545
01:22:25,608 --> 01:22:27,526
I would pay
to listen to her talk during sex.

1546
01:22:27,526 --> 01:22:29,111
I would pay to have sex with her.

1547
01:22:29,111 --> 01:22:30,905
Sorry about your bathroom.

1548
01:22:30,905 --> 01:22:32,948
Thank you for taming the whore.

1549
01:22:32,948 --> 01:22:34,617
No, thank you.

1550
01:22:34,617 --> 01:22:36,285
I'll cherish these.

1551
01:22:36,285 --> 01:22:38,287
The fuck am I supposed to do
with a chicken?

1552
01:22:38,287 --> 01:22:41,457
Hey, Bert. I need to come clean.

1553
01:22:41,457 --> 01:22:43,959
After train, I talked to Fedor, and...

1554
01:22:44,710 --> 01:22:47,004
he gave me what you stole from class.

1555
01:22:47,004 --> 01:22:51,133
Then everyone go back to U.S.A.,
so I kept it to remember.

1556
01:22:51,133 --> 01:22:53,928
-  Hold on. No way.
-  Yeah.

1557
01:22:54,637 --> 01:22:55,680
Dude.

1558
01:22:55,680 --> 01:22:57,473
Hey, take it.

1559
01:22:57,473 --> 01:22:59,975
And go to Moscow and save your father.

1560
01:23:00,476 --> 01:23:03,729
If he's still alive.
He may have been tortured to death.

1561
01:23:05,523 --> 01:23:06,691
I think she's autistic.

1562
01:23:06,691 --> 01:23:07,650
- Yeah.
- Yeah.

1563
01:23:07,650 --> 01:23:11,070
Hey, man. Thank you for everything, man.

1564
01:23:11,070 --> 01:23:12,154
- No, no, no.
- No?

1565
01:23:12,154 --> 01:23:13,781
You've been a good-luck charm to me.

1566
01:23:13,781 --> 01:23:15,574
- My life changed the day I met you.
- Hey.

1567
01:23:15,574 --> 01:23:17,034
- Bert, thank you.
- No, thank you.

1568
01:23:17,034 --> 01:23:18,285
- No, thank you.
- No, thank you.

1569
01:23:19,537 --> 01:23:22,707
- God. I'll miss you, brother.

1570
01:23:22,707 --> 01:23:25,835
I'm gonna miss
these disgusting poor people.

1571
01:23:27,294 --> 01:23:30,047
So you just think it and say it?
You don't stop it at all, right?

1572
01:23:30,965 --> 01:23:32,383
Yes, basically.

1573
01:23:33,175 --> 01:23:35,511
- Never met someone like myself before.
- Yeah.

1574
01:23:35,511 --> 01:23:38,597
<i>♪ Hey, man ♪</i>

1575
01:23:38,597 --> 01:23:40,891
MOSCOW

1576
01:23:40,891 --> 01:23:44,729
<i>♪ Nice gun ♪</i>

1577
01:23:46,230 --> 01:23:51,026
<i>♪ Hey, man ♪</i>

1578
01:23:51,777 --> 01:23:55,573
<i>♪ Have fun ♪</i>

1579
01:23:57,116 --> 01:24:01,287
<i>♪ Hey, man ♪</i>

1580
01:24:02,663 --> 01:24:06,459
<i>♪ Have fun ♪</i>

1581
01:24:06,459 --> 01:24:08,127
<i>♪ Nice shot, man ♪</i>

1582
01:24:10,379 --> 01:24:12,214
So I keep having this recurring dream

1583
01:24:12,214 --> 01:24:13,883
where Dolly Parton throws me her pick,

1584
01:24:13,883 --> 01:24:16,051
calls me on-stage
and wants me to jam with her.

1585
01:24:16,051 --> 01:24:17,136
I'm freaking shredding,

1586
01:24:17,136 --> 01:24:19,638
but my fingers turn into spiders
and my teeth fall out.

1587
01:24:19,638 --> 01:24:22,683
Pretty sure it's my heart medication
having a reaction with my sleeping pill.

1588
01:24:22,683 --> 01:24:24,268
But, hey, it's better than doing acid,

1589
01:24:24,268 --> 01:24:26,645
and kind of the highlight of my day
at this point.

1590
01:24:27,146 --> 01:24:30,024
- It's sad but true.
- What the fuck is going on in here?

1591
01:24:30,733 --> 01:24:32,026
Oh, hi, son.

1592
01:24:35,112 --> 01:24:36,197
You two are buds now?

1593
01:24:38,365 --> 01:24:40,659
Dad, why are you talking all fast
like you're on speed or something?

1594
01:24:40,659 --> 01:24:44,413
'Cause I'm on speed.
And it is so, so, so, so great.

1595
01:24:44,413 --> 01:24:46,957
Oh! More drugs.

1596
01:24:46,957 --> 01:24:48,167
Ooh.

1597
01:24:48,167 --> 01:24:50,753
Ooh! Oh.

1598
01:24:50,753 --> 01:24:51,921
Look at me.

1599
01:24:51,921 --> 01:24:54,089
I'm Molly Parton!

1600
01:24:57,384 --> 01:24:58,886
You see what I did there?

1601
01:25:00,638 --> 01:25:02,807
Irina. You're alive.

1602
01:25:03,516 --> 01:25:06,685
- Super.
- Yes, asshole, I am alive.

1603
01:25:06,685 --> 01:25:11,273
I brought the Machine,
and I even have the watch.

1604
01:25:11,273 --> 01:25:14,193
So suck my dick.

1605
01:25:14,193 --> 01:25:16,403
- Thanks.
- Fuck you, Sponge!

1606
01:25:16,403 --> 01:25:18,280
No, fuck you.

1607
01:25:18,280 --> 01:25:19,698
He pay me.

1608
01:25:20,699 --> 01:25:21,742
You hit me.

1609
01:25:22,243 --> 01:25:24,119
I should have left you in that gulag,

1610
01:25:24,119 --> 01:25:26,247
with those doctors poking
and prodding you.

1611
01:25:26,247 --> 01:25:28,999
I would string you up by your balls.

1612
01:25:40,052 --> 01:25:41,053
Machine.

1613
01:25:44,014 --> 01:25:45,224
I must say,

1614
01:25:46,392 --> 01:25:47,977
your dad is so fun.

1615
01:25:48,519 --> 01:25:50,980
He is the original Machine.

1616
01:25:52,231 --> 01:25:53,440
I'm the prototype.

1617
01:25:53,440 --> 01:25:55,359
He has been partying with us.

1618
01:25:55,359 --> 01:25:59,154
Now, your mom was more of
a kind of missionary kind of gal,

1619
01:25:59,154 --> 01:26:02,074
but Annika... Oh, ho!

1620
01:26:02,074 --> 01:26:05,744
- She's got the cushion for the Pushkin.

1621
01:26:06,453 --> 01:26:08,205
Oh, Dad, please stop.

1622
01:26:08,205 --> 01:26:12,334
See, your dad has spent
so long looking after you,

1623
01:26:12,334 --> 01:26:14,378
he never got a chance
to have fun on his own.

1624
01:26:15,421 --> 01:26:16,505
Oh, ho!

1625
01:26:16,505 --> 01:26:18,674
What a load of horseshit that is.

1626
01:26:18,674 --> 01:26:21,844
Those Dolly Parton tickets
he was just bragging about? Front row?

1627
01:26:21,844 --> 01:26:23,721
Who do you think bought them for him?

1628
01:26:23,721 --> 01:26:26,140
And to think I thought
I was finally understanding you.

1629
01:26:26,140 --> 01:26:29,310
I found your fucking knife.
Yeah, you want this piece of shit?

1630
01:26:29,310 --> 01:26:31,145
When he kicked me off the train,

1631
01:26:31,145 --> 01:26:32,938
I thought, "Maybe he's trying
to keep me safe,

1632
01:26:32,938 --> 01:26:34,982
protect me or has a plan."

1633
01:26:34,982 --> 01:26:38,027
But no plan. No fucking plan.

1634
01:26:38,027 --> 01:26:40,029
You're just a big old dick!

1635
01:26:40,905 --> 01:26:44,450
I may have let you down in this world.
You've pointed that out a lot.

1636
01:26:44,450 --> 01:26:47,578
But you know what, Dad?
You have let me down.

1637
01:26:47,578 --> 01:26:49,538
Just like I let Sasha down.

1638
01:26:50,164 --> 01:26:53,083
I can't believe I thought
you were here to take care of me.

1639
01:26:53,083 --> 01:26:55,669
Dad, take a fucking look around.

1640
01:26:55,669 --> 01:26:57,171
You let me down!

1641
01:26:59,548 --> 01:27:00,841
Son.

1642
01:27:01,467 --> 01:27:04,094
I will always take care of you.

1643
01:27:06,472 --> 01:27:07,473
What?

1644
01:27:08,515 --> 01:27:11,977
You people threatened my granddaughter,

1645
01:27:12,645 --> 01:27:14,438
you kidnapped my son,

1646
01:27:14,438 --> 01:27:18,359
and made me do a lot of amazing drugs.

1647
01:27:18,359 --> 01:27:22,071
And this is how we say thank you
in Florida.

1648
01:27:24,740 --> 01:27:26,700
Holy shit!

1649
01:27:30,120 --> 01:27:31,830
Motherfucking Eagle Scout.

1650
01:27:31,830 --> 01:27:33,707
Oh, fuck!

1651
01:27:33,707 --> 01:27:36,335
You have amazing tits!

1652
01:27:36,335 --> 01:27:38,379
-  Oh, shit!

1653
01:27:38,379 --> 01:27:39,838
I got the doors!

1654
01:27:40,714 --> 01:27:41,548
God!

1655
01:27:48,931 --> 01:27:50,349
I thought you were nonviolent.

1656
01:27:50,349 --> 01:27:52,893
I am! But I also love my son!

1657
01:27:52,893 --> 01:27:54,812
I knew you'd survive
falling off that train

1658
01:27:54,812 --> 01:27:57,564
because of your big old boobies
and protective layers of fat.

1659
01:27:58,273 --> 01:27:59,984
Oh, my God, you're so high right now.

1660
01:27:59,984 --> 01:28:03,112
I am so high. I am so high!

1661
01:28:03,112 --> 01:28:06,365
Idiots, stop talking and run.
I'll find the watch.

1662
01:28:06,907 --> 01:28:08,450
Come on, come on, come on.

1663
01:28:09,535 --> 01:28:11,453
Shit. Let's go, Keith Richards.

1664
01:28:12,162 --> 01:28:13,580
Dad, come on! Stop lollygagging!

1665
01:28:16,792 --> 01:28:18,877
God. All right.
Have a great night, everybody.

1666
01:28:18,877 --> 01:28:20,337
Ooh, you're dropping your money.

1667
01:28:20,337 --> 01:28:22,464
Don't drink and drive.
Grab a T-shirt on your way out.

1668
01:28:22,464 --> 01:28:25,718
All right, have a good one.
Oh, here we go. The last ones out.

1669
01:28:25,718 --> 01:28:27,845
Sorry for the gunfire, everybody.
Have a great night.

1670
01:28:27,845 --> 01:28:29,763
Take care. Thank you very much.

1671
01:28:30,848 --> 01:28:33,058
All right, Dad. We're good.

1672
01:28:33,058 --> 01:28:35,561
Now, listen, I need you to use
this drug energy for good.

1673
01:28:35,561 --> 01:28:37,104
All right? Like Charlie Sheen did.

1674
01:28:37,604 --> 01:28:39,523
Oh, shit. Dad, get down.

1675
01:29:08,343 --> 01:29:09,178
- Bert.
- Shh!

1676
01:29:09,178 --> 01:29:10,679
- I lied.
- Stop talking.

1677
01:29:10,679 --> 01:29:11,847
Come on, let's go.

1678
01:29:12,890 --> 01:29:15,434
Look at me. I think I failed you as a dad.

1679
01:29:15,434 --> 01:29:17,853
- Dad, be quiet.
- I can't.

1680
01:29:17,853 --> 01:29:21,106
I'm feeling so many feelings,
and I need to tell you about them.

1681
01:29:22,149 --> 01:29:23,317
Bert?

1682
01:29:23,317 --> 01:29:24,443
- Bert?
- What?

1683
01:29:25,235 --> 01:29:26,653
I need to say this.

1684
01:29:26,653 --> 01:29:29,698
Instead of accepting you,
I criticized you.

1685
01:29:29,698 --> 01:29:32,409
But it was only because
I wanted to keep you safe.

1686
01:29:32,409 --> 01:29:34,328
Why have you never told me this?

1687
01:29:34,328 --> 01:29:35,662
I don't know. It's...

1688
01:29:35,662 --> 01:29:39,708
Vulnerability is scary,
and opening up is hard.

1689
01:29:40,584 --> 01:29:42,878
- What drugs did they give you?
- Well, well, it was...

1690
01:29:42,878 --> 01:29:44,421
Okay, come on. Let's go. Let's go.

1691
01:29:44,421 --> 01:29:46,757
One was yellow,
but I don't know what it was.

1692
01:29:49,301 --> 01:29:51,386
- Bert.
- Dad, shut the fuck up.

1693
01:29:51,386 --> 01:29:52,763
This is important.

1694
01:29:55,641 --> 01:29:57,851
- All dads mess up, Bert.

1695
01:29:58,602 --> 01:30:00,479
But the good ones, we--

1696
01:30:01,605 --> 01:30:03,232
We try to do better.

1697
01:30:05,359 --> 01:30:08,070
I guess sometimes it just...

1698
01:30:09,238 --> 01:30:10,697
takes us a while.

1699
01:30:11,323 --> 01:30:12,950
You're my boy, Bert.

1700
01:30:15,160 --> 01:30:16,829
Don't ever forget that.

1701
01:30:17,496 --> 01:30:18,997
You'll always...

1702
01:30:19,790 --> 01:30:21,291
be my boy.

1703
01:30:28,257 --> 01:30:29,508
This is nice, Dad.

1704
01:30:30,134 --> 01:30:32,970
You should do drugs more often.
Look at us.

1705
01:30:32,970 --> 01:30:34,847
We're finally working through our shit.

1706
01:30:39,351 --> 01:30:40,644
Dad, let's go!

1707
01:30:41,895 --> 01:30:42,980
Goddamn!

1708
01:30:42,980 --> 01:30:45,357
I just wish it had happened
before we were about to die!

1709
01:30:45,357 --> 01:30:47,359
No, we're not gonna die.

1710
01:30:47,901 --> 01:30:48,735
Here.

1711
01:30:49,903 --> 01:30:52,948
You have always succeeded
by being exactly you.

1712
01:30:52,948 --> 01:30:54,825
Now, take off that shirt

1713
01:30:54,825 --> 01:30:58,495
and show those SOBs who you really are.

1714
01:31:02,249 --> 01:31:03,250
Hey!

1715
01:31:09,298 --> 01:31:10,132
Fuck.

1716
01:31:30,027 --> 01:31:32,613
THE MACHINE

1717
01:31:36,200 --> 01:31:39,453
Now you gotta party with me.

1718
01:31:40,078 --> 01:31:41,371
Who the fuck are you?

1719
01:31:41,371 --> 01:31:44,750
He's the motherfucking Machine!

1720
01:31:51,298 --> 01:31:52,382
Oh, shit.

1721
01:31:54,051 --> 01:31:57,012
I'm bulletproof, baby! Yeah!

1722
01:31:57,012 --> 01:31:58,680
Come on! Yeah!

1723
01:32:03,602 --> 01:32:05,604
Suck my dick, Captain America.

1724
01:32:11,235 --> 01:32:12,236
Machina!

1725
01:32:29,211 --> 01:32:31,088
What are you gonna do with a stick?
Come on.

1726
01:32:31,088 --> 01:32:34,341
<i>♪ More human than human... ♪</i>

1727
01:32:34,341 --> 01:32:35,884
I got your stick now.

1728
01:32:44,559 --> 01:32:45,811
Oh!

1729
01:32:49,773 --> 01:32:50,649
Not too bad.

1730
01:32:50,649 --> 01:32:51,942
Oh!

1731
01:32:57,322 --> 01:32:59,032
- Dad, put your hands down.

1732
01:32:59,032 --> 01:33:00,701
Get down now! Come on!

1733
01:33:00,701 --> 01:33:03,036
God, I'm so strong!

1734
01:33:05,080 --> 01:33:06,665
Here we go. Dad, Dad. Down, down.

1735
01:33:08,333 --> 01:33:09,751
Help me fuck up Lenin.

1736
01:33:09,751 --> 01:33:10,919
- Let's do it.
- Come on!

1737
01:33:18,802 --> 01:33:20,679
- Oh!
-  Oh!

1738
01:33:20,679 --> 01:33:22,389
Take that, communist!

1739
01:33:22,389 --> 01:33:24,474
Hey. Eagle Scout.

1740
01:33:25,017 --> 01:33:27,519
We have a rematch.

1741
01:33:34,109 --> 01:33:35,861
- Hammer, Dad.
- Here.

1742
01:33:40,782 --> 01:33:43,076
<i>♪ More human than human ♪</i>

1743
01:33:43,076 --> 01:33:45,412
Oh, titty boy.

1744
01:33:49,249 --> 01:33:50,667
I got you, son!

1745
01:33:52,544 --> 01:33:54,796
Dad! Dad!

1746
01:33:54,796 --> 01:33:56,715
Sorry, old man.

1747
01:34:04,931 --> 01:34:06,475
Absorb that, Sponge.

1748
01:34:08,143 --> 01:34:10,562
Oh, shit. Dad. Get off!

1749
01:34:10,562 --> 01:34:12,314
Are you okay? You okay?

1750
01:34:12,314 --> 01:34:15,067
I-- I saved you.

1751
01:34:15,650 --> 01:34:16,777
Yeah, you did.

1752
01:34:18,070 --> 01:34:18,987
Oh, shit.

1753
01:34:18,987 --> 01:34:22,240
Come here! Come on, Dad, let's walk.
Oh, shit. Shit. Let me see.

1754
01:34:23,075 --> 01:34:25,911
- You... are nothing...

1755
01:34:29,956 --> 01:34:34,044
but an ignorant, fat American
who has no respect.

1756
01:34:34,044 --> 01:34:36,880
Our father earned our respect.

1757
01:34:40,509 --> 01:34:41,802
Your father...

1758
01:34:42,803 --> 01:34:44,262
sells carpets.

1759
01:34:45,847 --> 01:34:50,644
I think I will make him
watch you die, Machine.

1760
01:34:53,355 --> 01:34:54,856
My name's not Machine.

1761
01:34:59,236 --> 01:35:02,447
My name is Albert Charles Kreischer III,

1762
01:35:02,447 --> 01:35:05,075
son to Albert Charles Kreischer Jr.,

1763
01:35:05,075 --> 01:35:08,036
owner and operator of Kreischer Karpets,

1764
01:35:08,036 --> 01:35:11,373
the best goddamn carpets
you can find in Southwest Florida!

1765
01:35:11,373 --> 01:35:13,959
Three convenient locations.

1766
01:35:13,959 --> 01:35:15,544
Tell him, Dad!

1767
01:35:15,544 --> 01:35:18,839
And if I ever see
your albino-looking ass again,

1768
01:35:18,839 --> 01:35:20,549
I'm gonna whip it quick as a bitch.

1769
01:35:20,549 --> 01:35:22,968
And last, but surely not least,

1770
01:35:22,968 --> 01:35:25,220
I'm gonna need that knife back.
That's a family heirloom.

1771
01:35:25,804 --> 01:35:26,721
Hm.

1772
01:35:27,806 --> 01:35:29,975
- You want knife?
- Oh, yeah.

1773
01:35:32,811 --> 01:35:34,855
Oh, I wouldn't--
I wouldn't do it that way, though.

1774
01:35:35,772 --> 01:35:36,940
Uh-oh.

1775
01:35:38,775 --> 01:35:41,445
I would have someone help you.
Oh, God. It's--

1776
01:35:41,445 --> 01:35:44,281
Oh, my Jesus. That's how Steve Irwin died.

1777
01:35:52,164 --> 01:35:54,875
Oh, my God.

1778
01:35:55,834 --> 01:35:58,628
You work out every day? That's--
Looks like an everyday thing.

1779
01:35:58,628 --> 01:36:00,922
- Enough talk.
- All right, yep.

1780
01:36:03,133 --> 01:36:04,926
Oh. So now's when we bang, huh?

1781
01:36:47,719 --> 01:36:49,012
Okay, here we go.

1782
01:36:58,688 --> 01:37:00,273
So you can fight.

1783
01:37:01,066 --> 01:37:02,359
I went to Florida State.

1784
01:37:02,984 --> 01:37:05,362
All we know how to do is fight,
fuck, and drink.

1785
01:37:05,946 --> 01:37:07,614
And I can't fuck worth shit.

1786
01:37:33,139 --> 01:37:35,225
Oh. I just got that crown.

1787
01:37:42,649 --> 01:37:45,110
Would you like to know
why I hate you, Machine?

1788
01:37:45,110 --> 01:37:47,028
Oh, I'm dying to know.

1789
01:37:47,028 --> 01:37:51,700
All my life, men were measured
against your stupid legend.

1790
01:37:53,994 --> 01:37:55,370
"The best."

1791
01:37:56,329 --> 01:37:57,789
"The man's man."

1792
01:37:58,415 --> 01:37:59,833
I say, fuck that!

1793
01:38:01,209 --> 01:38:03,461
So I worked
to make myself better than you.

1794
01:38:04,170 --> 01:38:05,880
Stronger than you.

1795
01:38:05,880 --> 01:38:07,757
Look at you now, Machine.

1796
01:38:07,757 --> 01:38:09,259
You are nothing.

1797
01:38:13,763 --> 01:38:16,433
So dramatic, Alexei.

1798
01:38:16,433 --> 01:38:18,435
All these fucking speeches.

1799
01:38:22,606 --> 01:38:23,607
Irina.

1800
01:38:23,607 --> 01:38:27,611
Typical macho bullshit.

1801
01:38:29,487 --> 01:38:32,282
- Oh, Dad!
- Whoa, whoa, my arm!

1802
01:38:32,282 --> 01:38:34,618
- Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry.
- Son...

1803
01:38:35,535 --> 01:38:37,537
you didn't show fear.

1804
01:39:03,772 --> 01:39:04,731
Enough!

1805
01:39:18,995 --> 01:39:21,790
Is this how I raised you?

1806
01:39:30,382 --> 01:39:31,591
Your watch, Papa.

1807
01:39:41,101 --> 01:39:43,478
I brought it here to return it to you.

1808
01:39:51,152 --> 01:39:52,278
So...

1809
01:39:55,990 --> 01:39:58,076
it's clear that I have won.

1810
01:40:00,412 --> 01:40:04,290
Oh, Irina. My beautiful daughter.

1811
01:40:04,999 --> 01:40:07,210
You want to take over?

1812
01:40:07,210 --> 01:40:10,380
You cannot even kill brother.

1813
01:40:10,380 --> 01:40:13,508
You become friends with idiot.

1814
01:40:14,134 --> 01:40:16,678
I would never give this to you.

1815
01:40:18,138 --> 01:40:20,390
Actually, can I step in for a second?

1816
01:40:21,641 --> 01:40:24,352
I think you guys should talk it out.
Now, me and my dad...

1817
01:40:25,311 --> 01:40:27,605
- This is Russia.
- Okay, okay.

1818
01:40:27,605 --> 01:40:31,359
We don't do your weak,
America, lovey-huggy shit.

1819
01:40:33,486 --> 01:40:36,948
Hugs are for pussies.

1820
01:40:37,532 --> 01:40:39,075
Well, that explains a lot.

1821
01:40:43,163 --> 01:40:46,040
Alexei understands.

1822
01:40:47,125 --> 01:40:50,211
It is why he will run family.

1823
01:40:51,004 --> 01:40:52,505
You are weak.

1824
01:40:52,505 --> 01:40:54,758
A leader must be a wolf.

1825
01:40:56,509 --> 01:40:59,554
Kill or be killed.

1826
01:40:59,554 --> 01:41:01,556
If you do not like it,

1827
01:41:02,932 --> 01:41:05,268
take it up with God.

1828
01:41:07,270 --> 01:41:08,730
But you first.

1829
01:41:32,295 --> 01:41:34,088
Did I do that?

1830
01:41:36,758 --> 01:41:40,470
I am definitely watching
<i>Family Matters</i> when we get home.

1831
01:42:03,159 --> 01:42:04,953
Look at that! Look at that! Look at that!

1832
01:42:06,913 --> 01:42:10,083
Irina, we can work together.

1833
01:42:10,083 --> 01:42:11,292
I am your brother.

1834
01:42:11,292 --> 01:42:12,794
Shut the fuck up!

1835
01:42:17,882 --> 01:42:20,218
Take him to our family <i>dacha</i>
while I decide

1836
01:42:20,218 --> 01:42:22,929
which part of him to cut off
for his insolence.

1837
01:42:24,222 --> 01:42:26,432
Fuck you, bitch. This is Russia.

1838
01:42:26,432 --> 01:42:30,019
- Machine, I will kill you someday!

1839
01:42:30,019 --> 01:42:31,980
- I don't think so.
-  I will come for you!

1840
01:42:31,980 --> 01:42:34,065
- I don't know about that.
- Machine!

1841
01:42:34,065 --> 01:42:36,234
- I can't hear you.
- I will come for you!

1842
01:42:36,234 --> 01:42:38,695
Whoo! Go, me! Right?

1843
01:42:38,695 --> 01:42:39,863
That was awesome!

1844
01:42:39,863 --> 01:42:41,906
Thank you, Bert. You inspired me.

1845
01:42:41,906 --> 01:42:42,824
Wait, how?

1846
01:42:42,824 --> 01:42:45,201
When you said you're going
to kill your dad at Igor's house.

1847
01:42:45,201 --> 01:42:48,413
- You said you were gonna kill me?
- Well, yeah. You kicked me off a train.

1848
01:42:48,413 --> 01:42:50,999
Now go, before police shows up.

1849
01:42:51,583 --> 01:42:52,667
- And, Bert.
- Yeah?

1850
01:42:52,667 --> 01:42:54,210
Your daughter is sweet.

1851
01:42:54,210 --> 01:42:56,838
My DJ friend tells me she's a good girl.

1852
01:42:56,838 --> 01:42:59,799
- Some drugs. But smoke, not snort.
- Okay.

1853
01:42:59,799 --> 01:43:01,551
- Good girl.
- Yeah.

1854
01:43:07,140 --> 01:43:08,349
You're a good dad.

1855
01:43:08,349 --> 01:43:09,684
Keep it up.

1856
01:43:10,226 --> 01:43:13,396
Or else your daughter may kill you.

1857
01:43:13,396 --> 01:43:15,565
Oh...

1858
01:43:17,025 --> 01:43:18,109
Thanks, Irina.

1859
01:43:19,527 --> 01:43:21,195
See you around, pussy boy.

1860
01:43:39,756 --> 01:43:42,050
Hey, deuces. Bye.

1861
01:43:42,050 --> 01:43:43,134
Bye, girl.

1862
01:43:46,888 --> 01:43:48,723
- Dad?
-  Keep it, sir. Thank you.

1863
01:43:48,723 --> 01:43:51,309
- Dad, look. Mom said that...
- Oh, my gosh!

1864
01:43:51,309 --> 01:43:53,019
- There she is! Come here!
- What?

1865
01:43:53,019 --> 01:43:54,646
Oh, my God, I love you.

1866
01:43:54,646 --> 01:43:57,649
I am so sorry. You are a fantastic kid.

1867
01:43:58,942 --> 01:44:01,736
No, look. I'm really sorry.
I was really mean at the party.

1868
01:44:02,820 --> 01:44:05,156
Look at us. We're apologizing.

1869
01:44:05,156 --> 01:44:07,075
I should be kidnapped to Russia
once a year

1870
01:44:07,075 --> 01:44:09,577
- just to make this happen, right?
- What?

1871
01:44:09,577 --> 01:44:11,162
Oh, there's the smile.

1872
01:44:11,162 --> 01:44:13,456
You did that smile
when you were a little girl.

1873
01:44:13,456 --> 01:44:15,249
You're still my little girl.

1874
01:44:16,668 --> 01:44:18,586
Oh! And there's my woman.

1875
01:44:18,586 --> 01:44:21,631
Oh, well, well.
It's nice to see you two back.

1876
01:44:21,631 --> 01:44:24,092
I hope you worked out
your shit finally be--

1877
01:44:28,054 --> 01:44:28,930
Mmm.

1878
01:44:30,348 --> 01:44:31,349
Wow.

1879
01:44:32,350 --> 01:44:33,476
The fuck are you wearing?

1880
01:44:33,476 --> 01:44:36,646
- Oh, my God, what is that smell?
- Okay, these are clothes.

1881
01:44:36,646 --> 01:44:38,189
I do not know what that smell is.

1882
01:44:38,189 --> 01:44:39,774
- Did you go to Vegas?
- I did not go to Vegas.

1883
01:44:39,774 --> 01:44:41,734
- Where's your dad?
- Dad's in Florida.

1884
01:44:41,734 --> 01:44:44,278
He's got a doctor buddy he plays golf with
who doesn't ask any questions.

1885
01:44:44,278 --> 01:44:46,072
We could all use one of those,
right, guys? Am I kidding?

1886
01:44:46,072 --> 01:44:48,700
- Dad! Hey!
- Oh, there she is!

1887
01:44:48,700 --> 01:44:50,159
From the top rope!

1888
01:44:50,159 --> 01:44:51,911
Oh, my gosh!

1889
01:44:51,911 --> 01:44:53,830
Oh, I love you! My favorite daughter!

1890
01:44:53,830 --> 01:44:55,540
- Just kidding. I'm not kidding.
- Hey.

1891
01:44:55,540 --> 01:44:57,750
I can't wait till you get kidnapped.

1892
01:44:58,918 --> 01:45:01,129
- What?
- Guys, Dad's back!

1893
01:45:01,129 --> 01:45:03,339
Dad's back! It's old-school Dad!

1894
01:45:03,339 --> 01:45:04,674
How was your week?

1895
01:45:05,216 --> 01:45:07,301
Oof. Complicated.

1896
01:45:07,301 --> 01:45:10,513
<i>Dear Ashley, are you still hot? I'm not.</i>

1897
01:45:10,513 --> 01:45:12,682
<i>I don't expect you to forgive me,</i>

1898
01:45:12,682 --> 01:45:14,976
<i>but I wanted to keep my promise.</i>

1899
01:45:14,976 --> 01:45:17,687
<i>Gifts are an important aspect
of Russian life.</i>

1900
01:45:17,687 --> 01:45:19,689
<i>So are apologies.</i>

1901
01:45:19,689 --> 01:45:21,232
<i>This is mine.</i>

1902
01:45:21,941 --> 01:45:24,694
Last week,
the subject of your father came up,

1903
01:45:24,694 --> 01:45:26,696
and I thought we could explore that.

1904
01:45:27,697 --> 01:45:29,365
Jesus Christ, Dad. That Annika girl.

1905
01:45:29,365 --> 01:45:32,660
- Did you wear condoms?
- Oh, oh, oh. Will you stop? Stop.

1906
01:45:32,660 --> 01:45:34,245
- I'm just saying.
- I don't want to hear it again.

1907
01:45:34,245 --> 01:45:35,913
Please put that down the memory hole.

1908
01:45:35,913 --> 01:45:37,123
I can't, Dad.

1909
01:45:37,123 --> 01:45:39,459
Since when do you have
such a razor-sharp memory?

1910
01:45:39,459 --> 01:45:40,376
What happened--

1911
01:45:40,376 --> 01:45:42,837
When you say things like,
"Your mom is a missionary woman."

1912
01:45:42,837 --> 01:45:44,047
<i>Oh, no!</i>

1913
01:45:44,047 --> 01:45:45,882
Nah, we're good.

1914
01:45:46,591 --> 01:45:47,592
You and your father?

1915
01:45:47,592 --> 01:45:50,261
Yeah. We're thick as thieves.
Butch and Sundance.

1916
01:45:50,261 --> 01:45:51,345
- Really?
- Yeah.

1917
01:45:52,388 --> 01:45:55,767
Well, if you don't mind,
can I ask how that resolved itself?

1918
01:45:55,767 --> 01:45:57,935
You can ask, but I don't think
you're gonna believe me.

1919
01:45:57,935 --> 01:45:59,604
Well, humor me.

1920
01:46:00,772 --> 01:46:01,773
Hm...

1921
01:46:03,232 --> 01:46:04,233
All right.

1922
01:46:05,401 --> 01:46:08,029
When I was 48 years old,
I got involved with the Russian mafia.

1923
01:46:08,029 --> 01:46:09,280
Here's how it happened.

1924
01:46:10,364 --> 01:46:14,952
<i>♪ Father of mine
Tell me where have you been ♪</i>

1925
01:46:14,952 --> 01:46:20,208
<i>♪ You know I just closed my eyes
My whole world disappeared ♪</i>

1926
01:46:20,208 --> 01:46:24,837
<i>♪ Father of mine
Take me back to the day ♪</i>

1927
01:46:24,837 --> 01:46:29,842
<i>♪ Yeah, when I was still your golden boy
Back before you went away ♪</i>

1928
01:46:29,842 --> 01:46:34,806
<i>♪ I remember blue skies
Walking the block ♪</i>

1929
01:46:34,806 --> 01:46:39,685
<i>♪ I loved it when you held me high
I loved to hear you talk ♪</i>

1930
01:46:39,685 --> 01:46:44,649
<i>♪ You would take me to the movies
You would take me to the beach ♪</i>

1931
01:46:44,649 --> 01:46:49,487
<i>♪ You would take me to a place inside
That is so hard to reach ♪</i>

1932
01:46:58,830 --> 01:47:00,039
What's up, Florida?

1933
01:47:00,039 --> 01:47:01,415
It's your boy, Bert Kreischer.

1934
01:47:01,415 --> 01:47:02,959
The Machine.

1935
01:47:02,959 --> 01:47:04,418
I love three things:

1936
01:47:04,418 --> 01:47:05,878
- Having a great time...
-  Yeah!

1937
01:47:05,878 --> 01:47:07,713
...making sure
other people have a great time,

1938
01:47:07,713 --> 01:47:08,881
and quality carpets

1939
01:47:08,881 --> 01:47:11,175
- delivered at a reasonable price.
-  Oh, yeah!

1940
01:47:11,175 --> 01:47:13,219
That's why,
if you're looking for some acrylic,

1941
01:47:13,219 --> 01:47:16,514
wool, plush, saxony, or level loop...

1942
01:47:16,514 --> 01:47:18,099
None of that nylon shit.

1943
01:47:18,099 --> 01:47:20,434
...you need to find your way
to a Kreischer Karpets.

1944
01:47:20,434 --> 01:47:22,854
It's my dad's business,
and he's right here.

1945
01:47:22,854 --> 01:47:24,105
Say hi, Dad.

1946
01:47:24,814 --> 01:47:27,817
Hey, son. You can't say a swear on TV.

1947
01:47:27,817 --> 01:47:30,695
The best goddamn carpets
in Southwest Florida.

1948
01:47:30,695 --> 01:47:33,865
That's Kreischer Karpets,
spelled weirdly with a K.

1949
01:47:33,865 --> 01:47:35,032
Take it off, Dad.

1950
01:47:35,825 --> 01:47:37,160
Okay, fine.

1951
01:47:40,538 --> 01:47:43,457
Did we mention we have
three convenient locations?