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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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[crickets and city sounds fade in]
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[car approaching]
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["Lotta Love" by Nicolette Larson plays]
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[fans shouting]
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[man] Back up! Back up!
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♪ It's gonna take a lotta love ♪
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♪ To get us through the night-- ♪
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Yo, Vil, what happened?
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I thought you guys were fixing this shit.
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I'm driving in the car like this,
putting my head out the window.
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[Adam]... spilled fuckin' coffee.
[Vil] It'll be done, boss. Sorry 'bout that.
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I'll get ya after the show.
I think I'm late. I think I'm late.
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I'll get you guys after.
What's up? What's up? What's up?
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How are we doing on time?
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Doing good? How's Lester doing?
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- [man] Adam!
- [crowd clamoring]
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- Ask him... Ask him now.
- [Adam] Hey, young man. How are you?
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What are you doing out so late
with all these crazy people?
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What do you got? What is this?
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Is this me... me in my house?
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We got these in Manhattan.
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- They sell photos of movie stars.
- You did? You know this kid?
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- You're a movie star. He's my son!
- That's your son?
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When's... When's his birthday?
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- Tell him when your birthday is.
- No, you tell him when his birthday is.
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I had COVID, I lost memory of that.
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Your grandmother's a sick woman.
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Come on, you said you'd sign for children!
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- [man] This way.
- Don't be mad, I gotta do the show.
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I'll see you in there. I'll see you.
I'll get it right after. So, go in here?
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- Why didn't they lock up the alley?
- [Loughran] I tried, they're short-staffed.
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- [man 2] Don't want some Chinese food?
- [Adam] What? No, I'm not eating.
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- [man 2] I'll throw it out?
- I gotta change my shirt.
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- [man] Dressing rooms...
- Um, is this the stage?
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[Lester] You know the stiff neck is
better than one of these deals. [shouts]
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- [Adam] How's he doing?
- He's doin' good.
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This is a person with a stiff neck
watching a pro tennis player hit an ace.
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- [shouts] Oh!
- [audience laughs]
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- [Lester] Aces don't come back.
- Who booked this place?
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- [man] Not me.
- Well, it's...
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- [Bergie] Adam!
- Bergie, my God.
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This is the worst moment of my life.
You're here. How's it going?
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Skip. Nice to meet you.
I work with Bergie.
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I'll pay you $1,000
to murder this man right now.
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That's not funny!
We gotta get this stuff done.
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- I got goddamn coffee all over this shirt.
- [Ann] You want one of these shirts?
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- [Adam] I don't know. I need a hoodie.
- Want this one?
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- That'd be...
- [Skip] It's an XL.
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[Adam] I don't know if we're
in the same weight class, but alright.
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Put this shit on.
Actually, just keep it off.
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- Give him a thrill, would you?
- Oh stop!
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- Would you sign this stuff?
- I can't do it now.
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We got 40 pieces to do.
It's for MS charity.
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[Adam] I got a show to do, Bergie.
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- We gotta go. We're late!
- Yeah, I know. Bergie. Bergie. Bergie.
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I got it. Give me the shit.
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I know, I gotta...
I can't do them all right now.
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[Bergie] You gotta get them done!
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- [Loughran] We'll get it to you.
- No, it's for MS. I gotta do this shit.
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Let me just...
There was a kid outside I was a dick to.
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- [Bergie] Does he have MS?
- [Adam] No.
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Then absolutely not. This goes to MS.
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Give him a fucking putter.
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Thank you, buddy. Come on, let's go.
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- Nice to meet you, Adam.
- Thanks for the sweatshirt.
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- Here's your coffee.
- Stevia?
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- Of course. Going down the stairs.
- [man] Have a good set.
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I'm gonna play some of
the synths in Comedy Live, if that's cool.
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- [Adam] Yeah. sure.
-"Bees, maple syrup," we cut.
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[Adam] Oh, let me do that if I want to!
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- We'll see what happens. Alright.
- [Dan] It's in there. Jellyfish--
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- [dog barking]
- [Adam] Oh!
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- Whose dog is that?
- [Dan] Dunno. This place is crazy.
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- [Adam] What the fuck is going on?
- [man 5] Left and left.
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[Adam] Okay, left and a left.
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[Dan] 'Locked door', we have
the second verse there right now.
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- Is that cool?
- [Adam] Yeah. It's, uh... Okay.
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[Dan] I think we should try a vocoder.
Is that cool?
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[Adam] Yeah, yeah.
That'll be funny. So I just...
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- I just sing normal?
- [Dan] You do it totally normally.
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- Alright.
- [Dan] Everything you do is the same.
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Excuse me, Mr. Sandler,
I'm sorry to interrupt you.
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Not at all. What's doing?
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Wonder if you could do me a big favor
and say a few words to my son, James.
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- Absolutely.
- He's in the hospital.
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Let me do this show--
Oh, he's in the hospital.
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He had a big accident on his scooter.
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- I'm sorry to hear that.
- He really injured himself.
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And he's a big fan of yours.
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- [Adam] Alright, I'll see--
- James.
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- [Adam] He's here?
- [woman] I've got Mr. Sandler right here.
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[Adam] Oh.
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- Hey, James!
- No way! No way!
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- Yeah.
- Is that Mr. Sandler?
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- Hey, man!
- Oh my God...
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You landed on your face, huh, bro?
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Mr. Sandler, I'm not feeling good.
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- I see that!
- Please come see me in the hospital.
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I would love to see you, man. [chuckles]
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I'm doing a comedy show right now.
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You're going to be okay!
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Mr. Sandler, I promise
I'm not gonna make it.
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- I'll see ya...
- [Willie] Adam.
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- Definitely...
- Good show.
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- Thank you.
- Alright, I'll set up.
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- Have a good show.
- Adam!
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Yeah. Yeah. I'm sorry. Pardon me.
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- [Willie] Great audience.
- You were fantastic. Thank you so much.
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- You guys were great.
- They made me feel real.
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Willie and Lester, you guys...
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- [Loughran] Ladies and gentlemen...
- This means a lot to me.
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[Adam] The crowd loves you.
[Willie] Appreciate that.
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Please give it up for Mr. Adam Sandler!
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- [Willie] Go get 'em, Adam.
- Let's go.
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[Lester] Take care!
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Break a leg!
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- [music playing]
- [Adam] That was already insane.
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I don't know what happened.
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you.
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- [cheers and applause]
- Thank you very much. Thank you. Alright.
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Don't do that. I love ya. Alright!
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Hi. Hi! How are you?
Alright, guys. Bulla.
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Nice to see you all!
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What's up?
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Hi, guys!
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[cheers and applause continue]
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Alright, I love you. Thank you so much!
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Alright, we got a whole show.
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Alright. Thanks a lot, everybody.
I love you.
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Thanks for coming out.
What's going on with the...
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- Why is that doing that?
- [Dan laughs]
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- Why's the...
- [tech] We're working on it.
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A computer issue. We're working on it.
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Got a computer... Alright.
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So what? You want to wait for...
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Should I wait?
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[tech] No, no let's not wait.
Let's keep going.
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We're gonna get them working.
It'll be fine.
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Let's just go.
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Alright. Yeah, alright.
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Okay, so, just go and we'll do this,
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because we got so many things
that we're supposed to show up there.
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[Dan laughs]
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Alright. It's alright.
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- We'll, we'll...
- [audience laughs]
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No, no, no.
That's what it's gonna look like?
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I don't know.
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[tech] We're gonna kill them.
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This is, uhh, Splenda you put in here.
You fucked me.
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It was supposed to be Stevia.
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[Dan chuckles]
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- [tech] Let's kill the monitors, please.
- Just kill the monitors. Yeah.
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Just go to black.
155
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- Yeah. Alright.
- [audience whoops]
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- [audience applauding]
- Ladies and gentlemen. What a... Thank you.
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- [applause continues]
- Alright. Alright.
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So, I was eating grapes.
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[audience laughs]
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I was eating some grapes.
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It was going good.
162
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- This guy I was with goes, "You!"
- [crowd laughs]
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I was like, "What, what?"
He goes, "You... You've changed."
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I said, "Get out of here,
I always liked grapes."
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And, uh...
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He's like,
"I don't like this version of you."
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And I said, "Fuck,
I've been eating grapes my whole life,
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calm the fuck down."
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He goes, "I'm leaving"
I said "Well, get outta here, then."
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"I've had enough of you too."
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So, anyways, he left,
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and then I said to the man
who was feeding me the grapes,
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I said, "What do you think?
You think I changed?"
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And he's like, "No."
And I go, "He changed, right?"
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He goes, "Yeah!"
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"He changed, Sandman."
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A woman outside said to me,
"Hey, I got a tattoo of you on my calf."
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I was like, "Alright, that looks good."
And she's like, "Yeah, I like it too."
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And then her husband goes,
"Adam, can I talk to you?"
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"Come here for a minute."
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I go, "What's up, dude?"
He goes, "You think I like that bullshit?"
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"Fuckin' makin' love to my wife?
Got her legs up here."
183
00:07:39,625 --> 00:07:42,000
"I look over,
I see your fucking ugly face?"
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"You think I like that bullshit?"
I go, "Oh, well..."
185
00:07:44,500 --> 00:07:45,583
"You don't gotta look."
186
00:07:45,583 --> 00:07:47,541
He goes, "How am I gonna finish, Adam?"
187
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"I've grown accustomed to your face."
188
00:07:52,833 --> 00:07:55,416
I got a letter recently from a man.
189
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I opened it up and it says,
"My name is Charlie Mungo."
190
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"I am one-foot tall,
191
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and I'm gonna shoot you."
192
00:08:03,833 --> 00:08:05,458
I was, like, "Uh-oh."
193
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Anyways, a couple weeks goes by,
I get this... another letter.
194
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Open it up.
195
00:08:12,583 --> 00:08:14,208
"It's me, Charlie Mungo."
196
00:08:14,916 --> 00:08:16,166
"Still one foot."
197
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"You're fucking dead, Sandman."
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I was like, "Whoa. Shit.
This guy means business."
199
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Couple weeks goes by,
200
00:08:27,833 --> 00:08:30,583
same kind of scribble-scrabble
on this envelope.
201
00:08:30,583 --> 00:08:32,541
I go, "Here we go." I open it up.
202
00:08:32,541 --> 00:08:34,583
It says, "Fuck you."
203
00:08:35,541 --> 00:08:38,333
"You don't deserve to live, Sandman."
204
00:08:38,916 --> 00:08:40,666
"This is Charlie Mungo."
205
00:08:41,541 --> 00:08:45,208
"You will pay for your sins." [laughing]
206
00:08:46,791 --> 00:08:47,833
"P.S."
207
00:08:48,333 --> 00:08:49,958
"Still one-foot tall."
208
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I was like "Fuck, man."
209
00:08:53,166 --> 00:08:55,291
My friends were like,
"You gotta report that shit."
210
00:08:55,291 --> 00:08:57,958
"That's gotta go to the FBI, you know?"
211
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I said, "You know what? Fuck it"
212
00:08:59,875 --> 00:09:03,291
"I'm not telling nobody
'cause then Charlie Mungo wins."
213
00:09:04,208 --> 00:09:06,750
"Gotta just live my life, you know?"
You know what I'm saying.
214
00:09:06,750 --> 00:09:08,791
I did get bulletproof socks.
215
00:09:11,208 --> 00:09:12,333
[audience clapping]
216
00:09:12,333 --> 00:09:13,625
So, uh...
217
00:09:14,125 --> 00:09:16,541
- [keyboard plays softly]
- Um, what happened?
218
00:09:16,541 --> 00:09:17,875
Yes, so, what is that?
219
00:09:18,541 --> 00:09:19,541
Huh?
220
00:09:19,541 --> 00:09:20,750
Coffee with Stevia.
221
00:09:20,750 --> 00:09:22,250
- [clapping]
- Huh?
222
00:09:23,416 --> 00:09:24,541
Sorry, it was Splenda.
223
00:09:24,541 --> 00:09:26,000
It was Splenda!
224
00:09:26,000 --> 00:09:28,500
- You're good!
- I'm good, man! I fucking knew it!
225
00:09:28,500 --> 00:09:29,666
[piano chord plays]
226
00:09:29,666 --> 00:09:30,833
Well, I love you.
227
00:09:30,833 --> 00:09:32,416
I'm glad you were honest.
228
00:09:33,000 --> 00:09:34,041
Mm-hmm.
229
00:09:34,041 --> 00:09:35,833
[smacks lips] That's Stevia, yeah.
230
00:09:35,833 --> 00:09:38,250
Thank you, buddy. Thanks for confessing.
231
00:09:38,250 --> 00:09:39,791
[piano tune playing]
232
00:09:39,791 --> 00:09:42,375
[angry man] Why don't you
shut the fuck up with that laughing?
233
00:09:42,375 --> 00:09:43,333
Hang on. Hang on.
234
00:09:43,333 --> 00:09:45,958
- Everything okay over here?
- [woman 1] Shut the fuck up!
235
00:09:45,958 --> 00:09:48,333
- [woman 2] They won't be quiet.
- Who won't be quiet?
236
00:09:48,333 --> 00:09:50,416
[woman 3] He threatened
to put him in his place.
237
00:09:50,416 --> 00:09:52,958
- Oh, you guys, don't worry.
- [woman 2] Because we're laughing.
238
00:09:52,958 --> 00:09:56,791
Alright. Well, everyone laughs
in... in their own way. [chuckles]
239
00:09:56,791 --> 00:09:59,291
How about you don't look
at each other the whole show.
240
00:09:59,291 --> 00:10:02,166
But you can fucking laugh.
You guys laugh, you guys laugh.
241
00:10:02,166 --> 00:10:04,833
Then, after the show,
we'll all get in a massive fight.
242
00:10:04,833 --> 00:10:06,916
[laughter and applause]
243
00:10:06,916 --> 00:10:09,166
- [piano playing]
- Alright. Don't worry. I love you.
244
00:10:09,166 --> 00:10:10,833
You guys just have a good time.
245
00:10:11,416 --> 00:10:16,208
♪ She's got long brown hair
Tied up in a little red bonnet ♪
246
00:10:16,833 --> 00:10:22,250
♪ She's got a pretty white blouse
And a basket with fresh fruit upon it ♪
247
00:10:22,250 --> 00:10:25,541
♪ She's got a glow in her cheeks
And a fire inside ♪
248
00:10:25,541 --> 00:10:27,958
♪ Sitting in a beautiful countryside ♪
249
00:10:27,958 --> 00:10:31,791
♪ Oh, masturbating
To the lady on the box of raisins ♪
250
00:10:31,791 --> 00:10:32,958
- [piano stops]
- [laughter]
251
00:10:32,958 --> 00:10:33,916
Alright.
252
00:10:33,916 --> 00:10:35,208
So that... [chuckles]
253
00:10:35,208 --> 00:10:36,625
It was supposed to be, uh...
254
00:10:36,625 --> 00:10:39,166
You were supposed to show her up there.
255
00:10:39,166 --> 00:10:40,875
- Goddammit.
- [applause]
256
00:10:40,875 --> 00:10:43,250
[tech] We're working on it.
I think we have a....
257
00:10:43,250 --> 00:10:45,958
The computers are very old.
Just trying to figure out...
258
00:10:45,958 --> 00:10:49,000
Nobody wanted to chip in
and get a fucking new one?
259
00:10:49,000 --> 00:10:51,250
[laughter]
260
00:10:51,250 --> 00:10:53,458
I was, uh, at a restaurant recently.
261
00:10:53,458 --> 00:10:56,208
I was eating a hamburger,
having a nice time.
262
00:10:56,208 --> 00:10:59,166
A guy comes up and says,
"Can I take a picture of your hamburger?"
263
00:10:59,166 --> 00:11:00,958
I said, "Uh, how come?"
264
00:11:00,958 --> 00:11:04,166
He said, "I'm from Spain."
I said, "You guys got hamburgers."
265
00:11:04,166 --> 00:11:06,625
He goes,
"Yeah, but that's a big juicy one."
266
00:11:07,583 --> 00:11:11,166
[chuckles] So I go,
"Alright, take the picture, bro."
267
00:11:11,166 --> 00:11:15,375
Then like, 20 minutes, he's taking
a picture of another guy's hamburger.
268
00:11:15,375 --> 00:11:19,333
And I go, "What's going on, bro?"
And he goes, "This one's bigger."
269
00:11:19,833 --> 00:11:22,250
And then I go,
"Well, fucking delete mine, then."
270
00:11:23,458 --> 00:11:24,875
I, uh... [chuckles]
271
00:11:25,541 --> 00:11:28,791
I took the family to the fuckin' circus.
We're having a good time.
272
00:11:28,791 --> 00:11:30,083
The clown car comes out.
273
00:11:30,083 --> 00:11:32,541
They got 15 fucking clowns
in one little tiny car.
274
00:11:32,541 --> 00:11:34,666
My kids were like,
"Holy shit. How they doin' it?"
275
00:11:34,666 --> 00:11:36,708
I said, "I don't know.
They're fucking pros."
276
00:11:37,666 --> 00:11:40,791
Anyway, we were driving home,
the kids are still talking about it.
277
00:11:40,791 --> 00:11:41,875
"Fucking incredible."
278
00:11:41,875 --> 00:11:44,791
All of a sudden, the little car
rolls up next to us on the highway.
279
00:11:44,791 --> 00:11:47,875
I'm like, "Kids, look over there.
All 15 fucking clowns are in there."
280
00:11:47,875 --> 00:11:51,125
My kids are like, "Yeah! Great show!"
They're, like, smoking butts.
281
00:11:51,125 --> 00:11:54,750
Like, "Yeah, whassup?" You know?
"It's all good, baby. Alright."
282
00:11:54,750 --> 00:11:57,291
And then they hit an oil slick.
283
00:11:58,291 --> 00:11:59,458
And they fucking spin.
284
00:11:59,458 --> 00:12:02,375
I was like, "Holy shit,"
and it fucking kept spinning and shit.
285
00:12:02,375 --> 00:12:05,416
My kids are like, "What's happening?"
Then they hit the guardrail.
286
00:12:05,416 --> 00:12:06,541
I was like, "Oh no!"
287
00:12:06,541 --> 00:12:08,875
They're sliding across,
I hit the fucking brakes.
288
00:12:08,875 --> 00:12:11,916
It goes right past,
it hits the truck, fuckin' blows up.
289
00:12:11,916 --> 00:12:16,000
We were like, "Did we just see that shit?"
That was horrible. My kids are crying.
290
00:12:16,000 --> 00:12:18,666
I was like,
"Goodness gracious, this night changed."
291
00:12:19,291 --> 00:12:21,166
Anyways, we went to the funeral.
292
00:12:21,166 --> 00:12:23,666
And, uh, we get there...
293
00:12:23,666 --> 00:12:26,166
One coffin, all 15 of them,
294
00:12:26,166 --> 00:12:28,416
and I was like, "They still got it, man."
295
00:12:28,416 --> 00:12:31,166
"These fucking guys still got it."
Thank you so much.
296
00:12:31,166 --> 00:12:32,833
You guys are my best friends.
297
00:12:32,833 --> 00:12:34,208
Thank you.
298
00:12:34,208 --> 00:12:36,166
[upbeat piano tune playing]
299
00:12:36,833 --> 00:12:37,958
Yeah, yeah.
300
00:12:38,750 --> 00:12:41,250
♪ She's the happiest she's been in years ♪
301
00:12:41,250 --> 00:12:43,416
♪ He puts on a big smile on her face ♪
302
00:12:43,416 --> 00:12:44,625
- [piano falls]
- Oh shit!
303
00:12:44,625 --> 00:12:45,958
Whoa, you son of a bitch!
304
00:12:45,958 --> 00:12:47,083
[audience laughs]
305
00:12:47,083 --> 00:12:49,208
That's gonna happen. That's all fine.
306
00:12:49,208 --> 00:12:51,291
- It's all part of the plan.
- [Dan chuckles]
307
00:12:51,291 --> 00:12:53,541
What happened? Uh, why did that happen?
308
00:12:53,541 --> 00:12:54,833
It's a fucking...
309
00:12:54,833 --> 00:12:56,833
There's a hole in the ground.
310
00:12:56,833 --> 00:12:59,000
- Alright.
- There's a hole in the stage.
311
00:12:59,000 --> 00:13:00,750
It's all working out tonight.
312
00:13:00,750 --> 00:13:02,541
So, what do we do right now?
313
00:13:02,541 --> 00:13:04,958
- So we do the whole show like this?
- Digby--Yeah.
314
00:13:04,958 --> 00:13:06,916
- What's up, buddy?
- [Dan chuckles]
315
00:13:07,541 --> 00:13:09,583
Thank you so much. Thank you.
316
00:13:10,541 --> 00:13:13,666
Will you see if there's
a good monitor down there too?
317
00:13:13,666 --> 00:13:15,666
- [piano riff]
- [audience laughs]
318
00:13:15,666 --> 00:13:17,416
Yeah, yeah, let's...
319
00:13:17,416 --> 00:13:18,333
Alright.
320
00:13:18,333 --> 00:13:19,875
- Lauren.
- Lauren.
321
00:13:19,875 --> 00:13:21,625
[audience laughs]
322
00:13:21,625 --> 00:13:24,625
Thank you. Sorry, everybody.
We're gonna get this right.
323
00:13:24,625 --> 00:13:27,333
I like that chicken parm shirt.
That's funny.
324
00:13:28,166 --> 00:13:30,541
- [Dan] We could just do...
- [Adam] What is that?
325
00:13:30,541 --> 00:13:32,750
Oh, a fucking lunch tray?
326
00:13:32,750 --> 00:13:35,250
There's no way that's going to work.
327
00:13:35,250 --> 00:13:38,125
There's no way...
Are you fucking kidding me?
328
00:13:38,125 --> 00:13:40,083
- [applause]
- Nice job.
329
00:13:40,083 --> 00:13:41,833
Holy shit, you guys are good.
330
00:13:44,750 --> 00:13:46,833
This is a bad sign, everybody.
331
00:13:47,875 --> 00:13:49,250
Okay, let's go.
332
00:13:49,250 --> 00:13:51,041
[upbeat piano tune playing]
333
00:13:51,041 --> 00:13:53,958
♪ She's the happiest she's been in years ♪
334
00:13:53,958 --> 00:13:56,791
♪ He puts a big smile on her face ♪
335
00:13:57,291 --> 00:14:01,708
♪ He's got a good job
And me and my parents love the dude ♪
336
00:14:02,291 --> 00:14:05,166
♪ You can tell
That he's gonna be faithful ♪
337
00:14:05,166 --> 00:14:07,916
♪ The whole family is happy as hell ♪
338
00:14:07,916 --> 00:14:12,541
♪ My sister's got an ugly new boyfriend ♪
339
00:14:12,541 --> 00:14:13,875
- [piano stops]
- [laughter]
340
00:14:13,875 --> 00:14:15,125
Thank you. Thank you.
341
00:14:15,833 --> 00:14:18,291
We needed that one, guys.
We needed that one.
342
00:14:18,291 --> 00:14:19,291
Hoo!
343
00:14:20,541 --> 00:14:22,666
- [soft piano tune plays]
- Alright. Alright.
344
00:14:22,666 --> 00:14:24,583
Let's see what we got here.
345
00:14:24,583 --> 00:14:25,666
Hmm.
346
00:14:25,666 --> 00:14:28,958
Let's see how we do on this one.
A little guitar.
347
00:14:28,958 --> 00:14:31,416
Only if you encourage me
with some applause.
348
00:14:31,416 --> 00:14:32,916
You want some guitar?
349
00:14:32,916 --> 00:14:35,000
[audience cheering and applauding]
350
00:14:41,708 --> 00:14:43,083
Here we go!
351
00:14:44,958 --> 00:14:46,958
[strumming twangy melody]
352
00:14:51,750 --> 00:14:53,750
[audience whooping and clapping]
353
00:15:01,000 --> 00:15:03,208
[strumming chords]
354
00:15:03,791 --> 00:15:05,791
[audience cheers and applauds]
355
00:15:14,375 --> 00:15:16,458
[dramatic flourish]
356
00:15:17,500 --> 00:15:19,333
[cheers and applause]
357
00:15:19,333 --> 00:15:21,416
[guitar melody continues]
358
00:15:22,125 --> 00:15:23,208
[dramatic flourish]
359
00:15:23,208 --> 00:15:25,291
[audience cheers and applauds]
360
00:15:28,166 --> 00:15:30,625
- [flourishes continue]
- [audience continues reacting]
361
00:15:33,625 --> 00:15:35,625
[audience laughs]
362
00:15:42,708 --> 00:15:45,000
[audience cheers and applauds]
363
00:15:48,416 --> 00:15:50,416
[flourishing guitar solo continues]
364
00:15:56,708 --> 00:15:58,708
[guitar solo intensifies]
365
00:16:05,458 --> 00:16:07,458
[audience cheers and applauds]
366
00:16:12,000 --> 00:16:14,375
♪ Every day I'm mutterin' ♪
367
00:16:16,375 --> 00:16:18,083
♪ Mutterin' under my breath ♪
368
00:16:18,083 --> 00:16:19,583
[country western tune playing]
369
00:16:19,583 --> 00:16:20,500
Hyah!
370
00:16:20,500 --> 00:16:21,750
[mimics whip cracking]
371
00:16:21,750 --> 00:16:23,583
[mimics horse neighing]
372
00:16:25,875 --> 00:16:28,125
♪ If you ask me to do a task ♪
373
00:16:28,125 --> 00:16:29,166
Hyah!
374
00:16:29,166 --> 00:16:30,416
[mimics whip cracking]
375
00:16:30,416 --> 00:16:32,583
♪ I do it every time ♪
376
00:16:32,583 --> 00:16:34,458
Hyah! [mimics whip cracking]
377
00:16:34,458 --> 00:16:37,125
♪ But the whole time that I'm doing it ♪
378
00:16:37,125 --> 00:16:38,875
[mimics horse neighing]
379
00:16:39,750 --> 00:16:42,291
♪ I'll be mutterin' under my breath ♪
380
00:16:42,916 --> 00:16:45,291
[low] How come
I gotta do this fucking shit?
381
00:16:45,833 --> 00:16:49,208
No one else could have done it?
I'm fucking sick of this crap, man.
382
00:16:49,208 --> 00:16:53,333
All they do is sit there all day.
I do every fucking thing in this house.
383
00:16:54,833 --> 00:16:56,125
Fuck these people.
384
00:16:56,666 --> 00:16:57,708
[chuckles]
385
00:16:59,375 --> 00:17:01,333
♪ Things I'd never say to your face ♪
386
00:17:01,333 --> 00:17:02,250
Hyah!
387
00:17:02,250 --> 00:17:03,416
[mimics whip cracking]
388
00:17:03,416 --> 00:17:05,250
♪ But the second that you're gone ♪
389
00:17:05,250 --> 00:17:07,500
Hyah! [mimics whip cracking]
390
00:17:07,500 --> 00:17:10,000
♪ I mutter like a crazy asshole ♪
391
00:17:10,000 --> 00:17:11,666
[mimics horse neighing]
392
00:17:12,625 --> 00:17:14,958
♪ While I angrily mow the lawn ♪
393
00:17:15,625 --> 00:17:19,041
[low] How come I'm fucking mowing
this shit? Goddamn this fucking house...
394
00:17:19,041 --> 00:17:22,791
They can't do nothin'. Fuckin'...
They know how to start this fuckin' thing.
395
00:17:22,791 --> 00:17:24,541
Fucking bullshit, it's always me.
396
00:17:24,541 --> 00:17:27,708
The fuckin' grass just grows back.
Why the fuck am I out here?
397
00:17:27,708 --> 00:17:29,666
I can't stand these motherfuckers.
398
00:17:29,666 --> 00:17:30,708
[muttering]
399
00:17:31,916 --> 00:17:32,875
♪ Rake the leaves ♪
400
00:17:32,875 --> 00:17:33,833
♪ I'm mutterin' ♪
401
00:17:33,833 --> 00:17:35,250
♪ Shovel snow ♪
402
00:17:35,250 --> 00:17:36,875
I'm... [laughs]
403
00:17:37,583 --> 00:17:38,833
♪ I'm mutterin' ♪
404
00:17:39,958 --> 00:17:40,958
♪ Go to the bank! ♪
405
00:17:40,958 --> 00:17:42,458
♪ You know I'm mutterin' ♪
406
00:17:43,833 --> 00:17:45,250
♪ Take out the trash! ♪
407
00:17:46,208 --> 00:17:47,333
♪ There's mutterin' ♪
408
00:17:48,208 --> 00:17:50,750
♪ When there's toys
At the bottom of the pool ♪
409
00:17:50,750 --> 00:17:52,750
♪ Left there by my daughter ♪
410
00:17:52,750 --> 00:17:54,791
♪ As I swim down to get them ♪
411
00:17:54,791 --> 00:17:57,583
♪ I'll be mutterin' underwater ♪
412
00:17:58,875 --> 00:18:01,875
[low, bubbling] You can't get
your own fucking toys?
413
00:18:02,666 --> 00:18:06,291
Or at least buy fucking toys that float?
414
00:18:06,833 --> 00:18:11,125
What the fuck has happened
to my fucking life?
415
00:18:12,541 --> 00:18:14,541
[mimics horse neighing underwater]
416
00:18:15,416 --> 00:18:17,208
♪ Everyday, I'm mutterin' ♪
417
00:18:17,208 --> 00:18:18,125
Hyah!
418
00:18:18,125 --> 00:18:19,708
[mimics whip cracking]
419
00:18:19,708 --> 00:18:21,458
♪ Mutterin' under my breath ♪
420
00:18:21,458 --> 00:18:23,125
[mimics horse neighing]
421
00:18:23,125 --> 00:18:24,208
[chuckles]
422
00:18:24,208 --> 00:18:27,875
♪ Then one day my wife
Overhears what I'm saying ♪
423
00:18:29,416 --> 00:18:31,875
♪ And immediately slits ♪
424
00:18:31,875 --> 00:18:35,791
♪ My throat ♪
425
00:18:35,791 --> 00:18:36,916
[dramatic flourish]
426
00:18:36,916 --> 00:18:39,250
[cheers and applause]
427
00:18:43,708 --> 00:18:46,291
You guys are the fucking best! I love you!
428
00:18:46,875 --> 00:18:49,625
I love you! I need you! Help me!
429
00:18:50,916 --> 00:18:53,916
So, my grandparents retired,
and that was nice.
430
00:18:53,916 --> 00:18:55,541
And then my grandmother panicked.
431
00:18:55,541 --> 00:18:58,625
She's like, "Oh no, we have no income.
How we gonna pay for things?"
432
00:18:58,625 --> 00:19:01,625
So she opened
a kissing booth in our driveway.
433
00:19:01,625 --> 00:19:04,250
She built a little booth,
put a little sign.
434
00:19:04,250 --> 00:19:05,541
"$20 a kiss."
435
00:19:05,541 --> 00:19:07,333
Every car was just whizzing past.
436
00:19:07,333 --> 00:19:08,666
My grandfather comes out,
437
00:19:08,666 --> 00:19:10,958
- gives her $20 and gave her a kiss.
- [crowd awws]
438
00:19:10,958 --> 00:19:13,750
And then, he gave her another $20,
gave her a longer kiss.
439
00:19:13,750 --> 00:19:15,416
Then he gave her another $20.
440
00:19:15,416 --> 00:19:18,291
Kind of a deeper,
mouth-open kind of thing.
441
00:19:18,291 --> 00:19:21,833
Went up the back of the thing,
snapped the fucking bra.
442
00:19:21,833 --> 00:19:24,166
Pulled the bra out,
whipped it on the ground,
443
00:19:24,166 --> 00:19:25,583
got the hands rolling.
444
00:19:25,583 --> 00:19:28,250
The belt line, then got the hand in,
went some buns.
445
00:19:28,250 --> 00:19:32,125
A little bun-smacking, went down
the middle, finger tapping and shit.
446
00:19:32,125 --> 00:19:34,875
And then we were all like,
"This is fucked up,"
447
00:19:34,875 --> 00:19:37,250
uh, because it was my other grandfather.
448
00:19:37,250 --> 00:19:38,333
[audience exclaims]
449
00:19:38,333 --> 00:19:39,916
Yeah. [chuckles]
450
00:19:40,708 --> 00:19:43,000
They used to flirt, but we didn't know...
451
00:19:43,000 --> 00:19:44,625
We didn't see that coming.
452
00:19:45,208 --> 00:19:46,833
Uh... [chuckles]
453
00:19:47,416 --> 00:19:50,666
Um... Yeah, so I, uh...
my wife is younger than me.
454
00:19:50,666 --> 00:19:53,208
- Anybody have a younger wife here?
- [man shouts]
455
00:19:53,208 --> 00:19:55,333
You do, right?
You understand what I'm saying?
456
00:19:55,333 --> 00:19:58,000
My wife's eight years younger than me.
457
00:19:59,250 --> 00:20:03,166
That was fine when we were young,
because-- now that we're older,
458
00:20:03,166 --> 00:20:06,708
she still looks good, I'm starting to look
a little beaten. Know what I mean?
459
00:20:06,708 --> 00:20:09,458
And I don't wanna...
I don't want to do plastic surgery.
460
00:20:09,458 --> 00:20:10,541
I'll never do that.
461
00:20:10,541 --> 00:20:12,916
I did try Botox...
462
00:20:12,916 --> 00:20:14,000
on my dick.
463
00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:15,000
I Botoxed my dick.
464
00:20:15,000 --> 00:20:17,916
I wanted to make her...
a freshening-up, give her a better...
465
00:20:17,916 --> 00:20:19,916
a younger-looking dick to slap around.
466
00:20:19,916 --> 00:20:21,875
I felt like... I felt bad for her.
467
00:20:21,875 --> 00:20:24,875
My dick was starting to get a little...
a little worn-looking.
468
00:20:24,875 --> 00:20:27,375
You know, a little...
Almost like it needed a cane.
469
00:20:27,375 --> 00:20:28,708
It was always kind of leaning.
470
00:20:28,916 --> 00:20:30,666
Scoliosis dick.
471
00:20:30,666 --> 00:20:32,833
Kind of leaning on the right ball.
472
00:20:32,833 --> 00:20:36,125
My left ball was always like,
"How the fuck do I get left out?"
473
00:20:36,125 --> 00:20:39,041
My right ball was like,
"Shh, you're gonna wake him."
474
00:20:39,041 --> 00:20:41,000
"Let him rest. He's tired."
475
00:20:41,833 --> 00:20:44,041
But anyways, I Botoxed my dick.
476
00:20:44,041 --> 00:20:47,208
Fellas, I know you're saying,
"You can do that?" Don't do it.
477
00:20:47,208 --> 00:20:49,416
You're better than that.
You don't need that shit.
478
00:20:49,416 --> 00:20:53,000
So I Botoxed mine. The problem is,
it takes the wrinkles away.
479
00:20:53,000 --> 00:20:57,500
A flaccid penis needs wrinkles
to show that it's flaccid, you know?
480
00:20:57,500 --> 00:21:00,208
That's why God
gave you wrinkles for a reason.
481
00:21:00,208 --> 00:21:03,791
Pull your pants down, a girl sees.
You go, "No, it gets better than that."
482
00:21:03,791 --> 00:21:05,125
"You just gotta wait."
483
00:21:05,625 --> 00:21:07,333
Anyways, I took the wrinkles away.
484
00:21:07,333 --> 00:21:10,958
I'm in the fucking, goddamn,
uh, YMCA locker room.
485
00:21:10,958 --> 00:21:12,958
I'm naked. A couple of guys walk in.
486
00:21:12,958 --> 00:21:15,166
I hear, "You got a boner." I go, "No, no!"
487
00:21:15,166 --> 00:21:17,875
They go, "That's a boner."
I go, "That's not a boner."
488
00:21:17,875 --> 00:21:20,250
They go, "No wrinkles.
That's a full-on hard-on."
489
00:21:20,250 --> 00:21:22,458
I go, "No, this is Botox.
I Botoxed my dick."
490
00:21:22,458 --> 00:21:24,750
They go, "That's a full raging hard-on."
491
00:21:24,750 --> 00:21:27,791
"That's a young-looking dick.
Like it belongs on a third-grader."
492
00:21:27,791 --> 00:21:30,083
I go, "That's 'cause
it's not a fucking boner."
493
00:21:30,083 --> 00:21:32,250
"This is a normal fucking flaccid dick."
494
00:21:32,250 --> 00:21:33,875
I said, "Would a boner face down?"
495
00:21:33,875 --> 00:21:35,000
They go, "Yours does."
496
00:21:35,000 --> 00:21:37,916
I said. "Shut the fuck up, man.
Don't worry about my dick."
497
00:21:37,916 --> 00:21:40,291
"Just you get fucking dressed
and leave me alone."
498
00:21:40,875 --> 00:21:42,250
So, anyways, I went home.
499
00:21:42,250 --> 00:21:45,458
I was disappointed,
reeling from the insults and shit.
500
00:21:45,458 --> 00:21:48,500
I'm very close to my dog,
so my dog comes in and goes,
501
00:21:48,500 --> 00:21:49,833
"What's up? What happened?"
502
00:21:49,833 --> 00:21:51,916
I go, "What?"
My dog's like, "You look so sad."
503
00:21:51,916 --> 00:21:54,375
I go, "Ah, that fucking YMCA."
He goes, "What?"
504
00:21:54,375 --> 00:21:56,541
I go, "The fucking guys
were making fun of me."
505
00:21:56,541 --> 00:21:57,791
He goes, "What, what?"
506
00:21:57,791 --> 00:22:00,083
I go, "I fucking Botoxed my dick."
507
00:22:00,083 --> 00:22:01,958
He goes, "I saw. I remember."
508
00:22:01,958 --> 00:22:03,333
And I go...
509
00:22:03,333 --> 00:22:06,666
And I go, "Well, they fucking
were saying I had a boner and shit."
510
00:22:06,666 --> 00:22:08,666
He goes, "Did you?" I go, "Yeah."
511
00:22:08,666 --> 00:22:10,125
But... [chuckles]
512
00:22:11,375 --> 00:22:12,916
"No, I didn't."
513
00:22:12,916 --> 00:22:16,041
"I didn't have a boner, man.
It was a fucking, normal flaccid dick."
514
00:22:16,041 --> 00:22:19,541
But he goes, "Hey, hey.
Here's what you do. You paint it pink."
515
00:22:19,541 --> 00:22:21,750
And I go, "Why?"
He goes, "I have a pink dick."
516
00:22:21,750 --> 00:22:23,375
I said, "I know, I've seen that."
517
00:22:23,375 --> 00:22:25,083
He goes, "Everybody loves it."
518
00:22:25,083 --> 00:22:28,250
I go, "Nobody loves your pink thing!"
He goes, "The fuck you talking about?"
519
00:22:28,250 --> 00:22:30,750
"Every time my pink dick comes out,
I always hear..."
520
00:22:30,750 --> 00:22:32,750
"Look at the pink dick on the dog!"
521
00:22:32,750 --> 00:22:34,291
"Look how pink his cock is!"
522
00:22:34,291 --> 00:22:36,250
No one talks about big or small.
523
00:22:36,250 --> 00:22:38,541
They're like,
"That is the pinkest, fucking,
524
00:22:38,541 --> 00:22:40,708
wettest-looking cock I've ever seen!"
525
00:22:40,708 --> 00:22:43,000
"It's bringing so much joy to me!"
526
00:22:43,000 --> 00:22:45,333
And they hug and laugh and high-five.
527
00:22:45,333 --> 00:22:47,791
"That's what a dick should do, man!"
528
00:22:48,625 --> 00:22:49,833
And I'm like, "I dunno."
529
00:22:49,833 --> 00:22:52,125
He goes,
"Will you at least think about it?"
530
00:22:53,041 --> 00:22:54,958
I go, "Yeah, I'll think about it."
531
00:22:54,958 --> 00:22:56,833
Then I look down through the fur,
532
00:22:56,833 --> 00:22:59,541
this pink hog starts oozing out,
growing and growing.
533
00:22:59,541 --> 00:23:03,500
I go, "What is happening?" He goes,
"I'm just excited you'll think about it."
534
00:23:03,500 --> 00:23:06,083
- [audience laughs]
- [pleasant piano tune playing]
535
00:23:06,083 --> 00:23:07,333
[Adam] Yes. Yes.
536
00:23:10,500 --> 00:23:12,666
♪ Driving back from Disneyland ♪
537
00:23:12,666 --> 00:23:14,916
♪ Going over all the fun ♪
538
00:23:15,583 --> 00:23:17,791
♪ What was best? Space Mountain? ♪
539
00:23:17,791 --> 00:23:21,000
♪ Or getting wet
On the Grizzly River Run, yeah! ♪
540
00:23:21,000 --> 00:23:23,458
♪ Greatest time of our kids' life ♪
541
00:23:23,458 --> 00:23:26,166
♪ What a magical moment
For me and my wife ♪
542
00:23:26,166 --> 00:23:27,583
♪ Then I miss our exit ♪
543
00:23:27,583 --> 00:23:29,541
♪ And I scream, "Fucking cunt!" ♪
544
00:23:34,333 --> 00:23:38,250
♪ And it's like
Disneyland never happened! ♪
545
00:23:38,375 --> 00:23:39,791
[music stops]
546
00:23:39,791 --> 00:23:41,166
That's a mistake.
547
00:23:41,750 --> 00:23:43,125
And my kids, uh...
548
00:23:44,375 --> 00:23:47,041
The fucking best time of your life
with your kids, right?
549
00:23:47,041 --> 00:23:49,250
Don't you love your kids
more than anything?
550
00:23:49,250 --> 00:23:51,125
I remember when my daughter was born.
551
00:23:51,125 --> 00:23:53,083
I'll never forget what my father said,
552
00:23:53,083 --> 00:23:54,750
My father said
"You're gonna drop the baby."
553
00:23:55,291 --> 00:23:56,708
"That's going to happen."
554
00:23:57,291 --> 00:24:00,208
I go, "Oh, okay."
He goes, "That shit happens. That's life"
555
00:24:00,791 --> 00:24:02,041
[chuckles]
556
00:24:02,041 --> 00:24:03,708
"You drop the baby, fuck it,
557
00:24:03,708 --> 00:24:07,000
but you pick the baby up
and you don't fucking make a big fuss."
558
00:24:07,000 --> 00:24:09,208
"Because the baby's gonna be like,
'What the fuck?'"
559
00:24:09,208 --> 00:24:10,833
"That wasn't supposed to happen?"
560
00:24:10,833 --> 00:24:12,333
"You play it off like that's life."
561
00:24:12,333 --> 00:24:13,833
"You pick the baby up, look at it."
562
00:24:13,833 --> 00:24:15,500
You go, 'What's up? You're alright.'
563
00:24:15,500 --> 00:24:16,708
"Okay, I guess, Dad."
564
00:24:16,708 --> 00:24:18,125
"No, no, that's life."
565
00:24:18,125 --> 00:24:20,708
"You drop the baby.
What are you gonna do? You're busy."
566
00:24:20,708 --> 00:24:23,208
"You got the fucking groceries
in your hand. You got..."
567
00:24:23,708 --> 00:24:26,166
"You got the baby, drop the baby,
you got the groceries."
568
00:24:26,166 --> 00:24:29,291
"You look down, put the baby on your foot,
you fuckin' kick it up,
569
00:24:29,291 --> 00:24:31,375
catch the baby, you keep going."
570
00:24:31,375 --> 00:24:33,458
"You look at the baby.
'Hey, how you doing, man?'"
571
00:24:33,458 --> 00:24:34,458
"'Everything good?'"
572
00:24:34,458 --> 00:24:37,416
"The baby's, like, 'I guess.'
Yeah, that's life, you know?"
573
00:24:38,083 --> 00:24:42,416
He's like, "I fucking dropped your
little brother fucking 30, 40 times.'"
574
00:24:42,416 --> 00:24:43,666
I go, "I got a little brother?"
575
00:24:43,666 --> 00:24:45,125
He goes, "You did."
576
00:24:45,125 --> 00:24:47,541
- [audience laughs]
- But, uh... [chuckles]
577
00:24:47,541 --> 00:24:48,750
My father...
578
00:24:48,750 --> 00:24:49,833
[chuckles]
579
00:24:49,833 --> 00:24:52,416
My father used to always go for the belt.
580
00:24:52,416 --> 00:24:54,500
He'd be like, "You're gonna get the belt!"
581
00:24:54,500 --> 00:24:56,083
Fucking, I don't do that with my kids.
582
00:24:56,083 --> 00:24:57,875
Just 'cause I wear sweatpants.
583
00:24:57,875 --> 00:25:00,000
I'm like, "You're gonna get the tassels!"
584
00:25:03,750 --> 00:25:06,166
"Daddy gonna... Daddy gonna get you!"
585
00:25:07,916 --> 00:25:09,333
I went to the daddy...
586
00:25:09,333 --> 00:25:10,333
[chuckles]
587
00:25:10,333 --> 00:25:12,708
I went to
the daddy-daughter dance recently.
588
00:25:12,708 --> 00:25:14,208
She didn't fucking show.
589
00:25:14,958 --> 00:25:16,833
Son of a bitch!
590
00:25:16,833 --> 00:25:19,000
Standing there with a corsage.
591
00:25:19,000 --> 00:25:21,000
- [somber piano plays]
- Heartbroken.
592
00:25:22,625 --> 00:25:26,083
[clears throat] By the way,
if this could work, it would be great.
593
00:25:27,750 --> 00:25:30,125
Honestly, would it... can it work?
594
00:25:30,125 --> 00:25:32,375
- No? Not to be a dick.
- [piano tune stops]
595
00:25:32,375 --> 00:25:35,791
[tech] If I knew it was gonna take
this long, obviously, I'd have waited...
596
00:25:35,791 --> 00:25:38,541
- You're doing a good job.
- You sound snippy, though.
597
00:25:39,125 --> 00:25:42,375
Don't you sound a little snippy
for a guy who fucked me this hard?
598
00:25:42,375 --> 00:25:44,666
[tech] We're working on it.
Don't worry about it.
599
00:25:44,666 --> 00:25:46,583
- Alright. [sighs]
- [piano continues]
600
00:25:47,458 --> 00:25:49,708
♪ Sleep in late ♪
601
00:25:49,708 --> 00:25:51,833
♪ Eat a big breakfast ♪
602
00:25:51,833 --> 00:25:53,875
♪ Walk the dog ♪
603
00:25:53,875 --> 00:25:56,041
♪ Watch the news ♪
604
00:25:56,041 --> 00:25:57,791
♪ Go to the bathroom ♪
605
00:25:57,791 --> 00:26:00,041
♪ Start my laundry ♪
606
00:26:00,041 --> 00:26:01,750
♪ Go on the Internet ♪
607
00:26:01,750 --> 00:26:03,833
♪ Buy some new shoes ♪
608
00:26:04,416 --> 00:26:08,458
♪ Leave the apartment
For lunch with my landlord ♪
609
00:26:08,458 --> 00:26:09,750
♪ Come back home ♪
610
00:26:09,750 --> 00:26:12,541
♪ Take the dog for a walk again ♪
611
00:26:12,541 --> 00:26:14,375
♪ Turn on my TV ♪
612
00:26:14,375 --> 00:26:16,541
♪ Watch Jerry Maguire ♪
613
00:26:16,541 --> 00:26:18,333
♪ I've seen it before ♪
614
00:26:18,333 --> 00:26:20,166
♪ But I'll watch it again ♪
615
00:26:20,958 --> 00:26:22,958
♪ Pretty good day ♪
616
00:26:22,958 --> 00:26:25,041
♪ Pretty good life ♪
617
00:26:25,041 --> 00:26:27,666
♪ I am clinically depressed ♪
618
00:26:27,666 --> 00:26:29,541
- [laughs]
- [audience laughs]
619
00:26:29,541 --> 00:26:30,583
Alright, sorry.
620
00:26:30,583 --> 00:26:32,291
So, uh, I'm sorry.
621
00:26:32,291 --> 00:26:34,250
That was... ehh...
622
00:26:36,083 --> 00:26:37,208
[chuckles]
623
00:26:37,208 --> 00:26:40,000
So, I'm at the fucking airport...
ever have a guy say to you,
624
00:26:40,000 --> 00:26:42,708
"Hey, can you watch my bag
while I go to the bathroom?"
625
00:26:42,708 --> 00:26:44,083
And you're like, "What?"
626
00:26:45,375 --> 00:26:47,875
This guys like, "Watch my bag
when I go to the bathroom?"
627
00:26:47,875 --> 00:26:49,166
I'm, like, "Alright."
628
00:26:49,833 --> 00:26:51,000
Then he leaves.
629
00:26:51,000 --> 00:26:53,541
Now I'm in charge
of this fucking guy's bag?
630
00:26:53,541 --> 00:26:56,666
I'm like, "What the fuck?
I don't want to fuckin' sit here..."
631
00:26:56,666 --> 00:26:59,708
"How long's this guy gonna be gone,
I gotta watch his bag?"
632
00:26:59,708 --> 00:27:02,083
You're looking, the bag
starts moving a little bit.
633
00:27:02,083 --> 00:27:04,333
You're like, "What the fuck
is going on in the bag?"
634
00:27:04,333 --> 00:27:07,083
It starts making little noises.
You start hearing, "Help me."
635
00:27:07,083 --> 00:27:09,791
You're like, "Help me?
What the fuck. What's in the bag?"
636
00:27:10,416 --> 00:27:13,250
Unzip the fucking bag.
Goddamn lantern in there.
637
00:27:13,250 --> 00:27:14,625
You're like, "What?"
638
00:27:14,625 --> 00:27:17,625
"Help. Get me out."
You're like, "Get me out?"
639
00:27:17,625 --> 00:27:20,583
Take the lantern out.
You're like, "Come on, rub that shit."
640
00:27:20,583 --> 00:27:23,333
You're like, "Rub it?"
You start rubbing it and fucking...
641
00:27:23,333 --> 00:27:25,416
A little genie comes out
like, "Thank you."
642
00:27:25,416 --> 00:27:27,291
And you go, "Yeah, motherfucker."
643
00:27:27,291 --> 00:27:30,041
And the genie's like,
"That guy's a fucking dick."
644
00:27:30,041 --> 00:27:32,958
You go, "Who?"
"The fuckin' guy who went to the bathroom."
645
00:27:32,958 --> 00:27:36,458
You go, "I don't know him."
He's like, "Yeah, he's a fucking psycho."
646
00:27:36,458 --> 00:27:37,916
You go, "Okay."
647
00:27:37,916 --> 00:27:39,625
And he's like, "I'm yours now."
648
00:27:39,625 --> 00:27:41,750
You're like, "No, no.
You're that guy's genie."
649
00:27:41,750 --> 00:27:43,583
He's like, "He's a dick. Fuck him!"
650
00:27:43,583 --> 00:27:45,041
"This is our thing now."
651
00:27:45,041 --> 00:27:48,458
"Three wishes, take 'em.
But hurry up, the guy's a fucking psycho."
652
00:27:48,458 --> 00:27:50,958
And I'm fucking panicked, like,
"What the fuck?"
653
00:27:50,958 --> 00:27:52,291
"Go ahead, do a wish."
654
00:27:52,291 --> 00:27:54,333
And I go, "Uh, can, uh..."
655
00:27:54,333 --> 00:27:57,291
"Can you make hamburgers,
uh, uh... good for you?"
656
00:27:57,291 --> 00:27:59,166
He goes, "Yeah."
657
00:27:59,166 --> 00:28:00,583
I go, "Okay, alright."
658
00:28:00,583 --> 00:28:02,833
He goes, "Hurry up. Do two."
659
00:28:02,833 --> 00:28:05,916
"How 'bout, when I eat string beans,
it tastes like hamburgers."
660
00:28:05,916 --> 00:28:08,458
He goes, "Are you fucking obsessed
with hamburgers?"
661
00:28:08,458 --> 00:28:11,541
I go, "You got me nervous and
you keep saying the guy is a psycho."
662
00:28:11,541 --> 00:28:13,000
"I'm fucking panicking."
663
00:28:13,000 --> 00:28:16,208
He's like, "Hurry, put me in the...
Put me back in, the guy's coming!"
664
00:28:16,208 --> 00:28:18,375
I go, "Who?"
He goes, "The guy! He's a psycho."
665
00:28:18,375 --> 00:28:19,458
I put the fucking...
666
00:28:19,458 --> 00:28:23,000
Open the bottle, the genie goes in,
I put the... zip-up and all that shit.
667
00:28:23,000 --> 00:28:25,208
The guy comes back,
he's like, "Thanks, man."
668
00:28:25,208 --> 00:28:26,375
I go, "Yeah, no problem."
669
00:28:26,375 --> 00:28:29,875
He's like, "Oh, man, that was
a fucking perfect shit I just took."
670
00:28:29,875 --> 00:28:31,166
And I go, "Oh, cool."
671
00:28:31,166 --> 00:28:33,916
He goes, "I fuckin' rocked that shit out!"
672
00:28:33,916 --> 00:28:35,625
I go, "Good, man."
673
00:28:35,625 --> 00:28:37,750
He goes, "That was a no-wiper, man."
674
00:28:37,750 --> 00:28:39,125
I go, "Okay."
675
00:28:39,125 --> 00:28:41,916
"Fucking perfect.
Nothing better than the 'no-wiper.'"
676
00:28:41,916 --> 00:28:45,458
I go, "How do you know it was a no-wiper?"
He goes, "I just know it."
677
00:28:45,458 --> 00:28:49,000
I go, "Well, no, you got to test that.
You got to test a no-wiper."
678
00:28:49,000 --> 00:28:52,541
"Where I come from,
a no-wiper is, you wipe, and then you go,
679
00:28:52,541 --> 00:28:54,208
'Oh shit, I didn't need to wipe.'"
680
00:28:54,208 --> 00:28:57,750
And he goes, "Nah, it's a fucking feeling.
You just know."
681
00:28:57,750 --> 00:29:00,416
I go, "Well, you can't
fucking guarantee that."
682
00:29:00,416 --> 00:29:03,791
He's like, "No, you can.
Fucking look, I feel great."
683
00:29:03,791 --> 00:29:05,625
I go, "I would test that one out."
684
00:29:05,625 --> 00:29:10,041
He goes, "Alright, I'll test that out,
I'll prove to you it was a no-wiper."
685
00:29:10,041 --> 00:29:12,958
He goes, "It's about the feeling."
I go, "Oh... you know."
686
00:29:13,833 --> 00:29:18,000
And so he goes back,
and then I fucking unzip the valise,
687
00:29:18,000 --> 00:29:19,083
and all that shit,
688
00:29:19,083 --> 00:29:20,708
take the thing out, rub the thing.
689
00:29:20,708 --> 00:29:21,916
The genie comes out.
690
00:29:21,916 --> 00:29:24,916
He goes, "That was fucking hilarious.
You fucked with him!"
691
00:29:24,916 --> 00:29:28,541
I go, "Well, it's true.
You gotta fucking... you gotta test it out."
692
00:29:28,541 --> 00:29:30,833
He's like, "Uh, I'm just glad he's gone."
693
00:29:30,833 --> 00:29:33,833
He goes, "Give me the third wish,"
and I go, "Third wish, third wish."
694
00:29:33,833 --> 00:29:35,583
He goes, "You want a big dick?"
695
00:29:35,583 --> 00:29:36,750
I go, "I don't know."
696
00:29:36,750 --> 00:29:37,666
He goes,
697
00:29:38,208 --> 00:29:39,041
"Take the big dick."
698
00:29:39,041 --> 00:29:41,750
And I go, "I don't fucking know."
699
00:29:41,750 --> 00:29:44,083
"Shouldn't I ask
for world peace or some shit?"
700
00:29:44,083 --> 00:29:45,583
He goes, "Yeah."
701
00:29:45,583 --> 00:29:46,541
"Take the big dick."
702
00:29:46,541 --> 00:29:50,791
"You'll love the big dick.
Nobody's disappointed with the big dick."
703
00:29:50,791 --> 00:29:53,791
I go, "I feel like an asshole
at this time in the world."
704
00:29:53,791 --> 00:29:55,333
"Let me get the world peace."
705
00:29:55,333 --> 00:29:58,041
He goes, "Alright.
So you got the two burger things..."
706
00:29:58,041 --> 00:29:59,958
- [audience laughs]
- [chuckles]
707
00:29:59,958 --> 00:30:02,458
"...and, you got the fucking world peace."
708
00:30:02,458 --> 00:30:04,208
And I'm like, "Yeah, yeah."
709
00:30:04,208 --> 00:30:06,541
He goes, "Okay."
I say, "So that's gonna happen now?"
710
00:30:06,541 --> 00:30:09,458
He goes, "Well, you gotta transfer powers
with the other guy."
711
00:30:09,458 --> 00:30:11,958
I go, "Okay, I thought I'm your guy."
712
00:30:11,958 --> 00:30:15,750
He goes, "But he was... It's a whole thing.
You gotta do the swap."
713
00:30:15,750 --> 00:30:17,333
So I go, "How do you do the swap?"
714
00:30:17,333 --> 00:30:21,500
He goes, "You whack him off...
If you whack him off, then I'm yours."
715
00:30:21,500 --> 00:30:23,208
I go, "I gotta whack that guy off?"
716
00:30:23,208 --> 00:30:25,958
He goes, "You whack him off,
then all that shit happens."
717
00:30:25,958 --> 00:30:28,166
And I go, "I don't really
want to whack him off."
718
00:30:28,166 --> 00:30:30,500
He goes, "You don't want world peace?"
719
00:30:30,500 --> 00:30:31,500
And I go...
720
00:30:32,208 --> 00:30:35,250
I go, "I do, but I don't want
to fucking whack off that guy."
721
00:30:35,250 --> 00:30:38,666
"I don't even know that..."
I go, "I don't fucking whack off anybody,
722
00:30:38,666 --> 00:30:40,541
and I don't even know this dude."
723
00:30:40,541 --> 00:30:43,541
He goes, "It's quick,
whack him off, surprise him,
724
00:30:43,541 --> 00:30:46,791
get it done, and then we got
two hamburger things for you,
725
00:30:46,791 --> 00:30:49,791
and the fucking world peace,
and it's worth it, brother."
726
00:30:49,791 --> 00:30:51,083
I go, "Alright, man."
727
00:30:51,083 --> 00:30:53,958
So, I go into the bathroom,
728
00:30:55,458 --> 00:30:56,375
get in the...
729
00:30:56,375 --> 00:30:58,791
The fucking guy, his pants are off.
730
00:30:59,583 --> 00:31:02,500
Underwear off, socks are off.
Still has the shirt on.
731
00:31:03,083 --> 00:31:05,625
- I go, "What the fuck?"
- He goes, "You were right."
732
00:31:09,416 --> 00:31:10,750
"That was fucking...."
733
00:31:10,750 --> 00:31:12,583
"I mean, it was everywhere."
734
00:31:13,166 --> 00:31:14,291
[chuckles]
735
00:31:14,291 --> 00:31:17,625
"I had it on my fucking thighs, my knees."
736
00:31:17,625 --> 00:31:19,333
"I was like, 'What the fuck?'"
737
00:31:19,333 --> 00:31:21,125
"I thought it was a no-wiper!"
738
00:31:21,125 --> 00:31:22,666
I go, "I don't know."
739
00:31:22,666 --> 00:31:25,041
"Back of the legs. I was, like, 'Fuck.'"
740
00:31:25,041 --> 00:31:27,458
"I threw my underwear out, you know!"
741
00:31:27,458 --> 00:31:28,625
"Fuck, man!"
742
00:31:29,333 --> 00:31:30,541
Then I just grabbed his dick fast
743
00:31:30,541 --> 00:31:32,625
I jacked him off, and he blew his load.
744
00:31:32,625 --> 00:31:34,083
He was like, "Whoa, what the fuck?"
745
00:31:34,083 --> 00:31:36,375
And he's laying on the floor
in his shit and jizz,
746
00:31:36,375 --> 00:31:38,291
and he's like, "Whoa, man!"
747
00:31:38,291 --> 00:31:39,625
[chuckles]
748
00:31:39,625 --> 00:31:42,833
He goes,
"This is the best fucking airport, man!"
749
00:31:42,833 --> 00:31:43,916
"I love it here."
750
00:31:43,916 --> 00:31:47,083
I walk out there, you know.
I see the genie.
751
00:31:47,083 --> 00:31:49,583
I go, "Hey, bro,
mission accomplished. We did it."
752
00:31:49,583 --> 00:31:51,666
He goes, "You whacked him off?"
I go, "Yeah."
753
00:31:51,666 --> 00:31:54,375
He goes, "Did he finish?"
I said, "He's fucking done."
754
00:31:55,291 --> 00:31:57,250
Then, uh, he looks at me.
755
00:31:57,250 --> 00:32:00,625
I go, "So we got that world peace,
we got the double burger shit?"
756
00:32:00,625 --> 00:32:03,583
He goes, "Uh, you're gonna be mad at me."
757
00:32:04,916 --> 00:32:07,583
I said, "What happened?
Why am I gonna mad?" He goes...
758
00:32:08,291 --> 00:32:12,416
[sighs] "So anyways,
that dude's third wish,
759
00:32:13,041 --> 00:32:15,583
was to get a handjob from Ben Stiller."
760
00:32:15,583 --> 00:32:17,666
[audience laughs]
761
00:32:19,041 --> 00:32:20,875
And I go, "What the fuck?"
762
00:32:20,875 --> 00:32:22,166
"I'm not Ben Stiller."
763
00:32:22,166 --> 00:32:23,750
He goes, "My bad."
764
00:32:23,750 --> 00:32:25,833
[laughter and applause]
765
00:32:25,833 --> 00:32:28,375
- [piano tune plays]
- Thank you so much. Thank you.
766
00:32:28,375 --> 00:32:29,291
Thank you!
767
00:32:30,208 --> 00:32:31,916
You guys are so sweet. Thank you.
768
00:32:31,916 --> 00:32:34,625
Okay, you want to get funky?
Let's get funky together.
769
00:32:34,625 --> 00:32:37,583
Fuck this shit.
It's time to get funky. You alright, man?
770
00:32:37,583 --> 00:32:39,666
[funky piano tune playing]
771
00:32:39,666 --> 00:32:41,083
I gotta get dressed.
772
00:32:41,083 --> 00:32:43,166
[man] We love you, Sandman!
773
00:32:52,625 --> 00:32:54,125
Maybe go a little faster.
774
00:32:55,166 --> 00:32:56,166
Alright.
775
00:32:57,208 --> 00:32:58,791
Yeah, yeah.
776
00:32:59,375 --> 00:33:00,958
Are you ready to get funky?
777
00:33:00,958 --> 00:33:03,041
[cheers and applause]
778
00:33:03,041 --> 00:33:05,125
[funky bass line playing]
779
00:33:17,541 --> 00:33:18,583
Yeah!
780
00:33:25,166 --> 00:33:27,458
♪ Old guy with a kid ♪
781
00:33:27,458 --> 00:33:30,541
♪ Started too late
Now he's paying for it ♪
782
00:33:32,250 --> 00:33:34,333
♪ Old guy with a kid ♪
783
00:33:34,333 --> 00:33:37,541
♪ At the soccer practice
Facing the wrong way ♪
784
00:33:39,458 --> 00:33:41,458
♪ Old guy with a kid ♪
785
00:33:41,458 --> 00:33:44,666
♪ Also has a middle-age son
He never sees ♪
786
00:33:46,500 --> 00:33:48,583
♪ Old guy with a kid ♪
787
00:33:48,583 --> 00:33:50,833
♪ Just fell asleep at the Chuck-E-Cheese ♪
788
00:33:50,833 --> 00:33:51,833
Yeah!
789
00:33:51,833 --> 00:33:54,083
[funky riff playing]
790
00:33:56,791 --> 00:33:58,791
[scattered whooping]
791
00:34:06,250 --> 00:34:07,458
[light clapping]
792
00:34:07,458 --> 00:34:09,208
[audience members whoop]
793
00:34:09,208 --> 00:34:11,333
♪ Grandma in yoga pants ♪
794
00:34:13,625 --> 00:34:16,833
♪ Not exercising
Just looking fucking crazy ♪
795
00:34:18,625 --> 00:34:20,666
♪ Grandma in yoga pants ♪
796
00:34:20,666 --> 00:34:23,750
♪ From behind she looks
Like an ice cream cone ♪
797
00:34:25,666 --> 00:34:27,541
♪ Grandma in yoga pants ♪
798
00:34:27,541 --> 00:34:30,791
♪ That's not a camel toe
It's a walrus foot ♪
799
00:34:31,958 --> 00:34:33,500
[chuckling lightly]
800
00:34:35,125 --> 00:34:36,958
♪ Grandma in yoga pants ♪
801
00:34:36,958 --> 00:34:39,541
♪ When she takes them off
Her belly button coughs ♪
802
00:34:39,541 --> 00:34:40,458
Yeah!
803
00:34:40,458 --> 00:34:44,166
[funky riff playing]
804
00:34:47,208 --> 00:34:49,208
[clapping and scattered whoops]
805
00:34:49,208 --> 00:34:51,291
[cheers and applause]
806
00:34:59,291 --> 00:35:01,416
♪ Bulldog in a Halloween costume ♪
807
00:35:02,833 --> 00:35:03,708
[chuckles]
808
00:35:03,708 --> 00:35:06,958
♪ He's a bumblebee
And he don't look happy ♪
809
00:35:08,666 --> 00:35:10,583
♪ Bulldog in a Halloween costume ♪
810
00:35:10,583 --> 00:35:13,583
♪ He's just a dog
But he understands dignity ♪
811
00:35:15,875 --> 00:35:17,833
♪ Bulldog in a Halloween costume ♪
812
00:35:17,833 --> 00:35:20,833
♪ His grandpa was a wolf
Now he's wearing antennas ♪
813
00:35:23,125 --> 00:35:25,125
♪ Bulldog in a Halloween costume ♪
814
00:35:25,125 --> 00:35:27,708
♪ When you get home
You're gonna get bit ♪
815
00:35:27,708 --> 00:35:28,666
Yeah!
816
00:35:28,666 --> 00:35:30,416
[funky riff playing]
817
00:35:37,500 --> 00:35:39,750
- [cheers and applause]
- [funky riff continues]
818
00:35:41,375 --> 00:35:43,375
[audience clapping in rhythm]
819
00:35:47,375 --> 00:35:49,625
♪ Guy with a backpack at the movies ♪
820
00:35:51,708 --> 00:35:54,750
♪ Now I can't focus
On what Spider-Man's doing ♪
821
00:35:56,541 --> 00:35:58,583
♪ Guy with a backpack at the movies ♪
822
00:35:58,583 --> 00:36:01,375
♪ Every time he moves I shit myself ♪
823
00:36:03,458 --> 00:36:05,333
♪ Guy with a backpack at the movies ♪
824
00:36:05,333 --> 00:36:08,791
♪ Sitting right between me
And the fucking exit ♪
825
00:36:10,625 --> 00:36:12,916
♪ Guy with a backpack at the movies ♪
826
00:36:12,916 --> 00:36:15,416
♪ Pulls shit out
Thank God, it's Twizzlers ♪
827
00:36:15,416 --> 00:36:17,500
[funky riff playing]
828
00:36:23,208 --> 00:36:25,500
- [funky riff pauses]
- [cheers and applause]
829
00:36:25,500 --> 00:36:26,583
Wow!
830
00:36:28,916 --> 00:36:29,791
Dah!
831
00:36:29,791 --> 00:36:33,375
- [funky riff continues]
- [audience clapping along]
832
00:36:35,666 --> 00:36:36,541
Alright!
833
00:36:39,041 --> 00:36:40,916
[whispers] Okay, let's take it down.
834
00:36:42,333 --> 00:36:44,750
[whispering] Let's break it down, y'all.
835
00:36:46,166 --> 00:36:48,000
♪ Fat cop on a horse ♪
836
00:36:50,916 --> 00:36:53,750
♪ Both breathing heavy
Are they gonna make it? ♪
837
00:36:55,708 --> 00:36:57,708
♪ Fat cop on a horse ♪
838
00:36:57,708 --> 00:37:00,625
♪ Praying nothing happens
At this fucking parade ♪
839
00:37:02,833 --> 00:37:04,958
♪ Fat cop on a horse ♪
840
00:37:04,958 --> 00:37:08,041
♪ What did he do
That they took away his squad car? ♪
841
00:37:12,166 --> 00:37:13,791
♪ Fat cop on a horse ♪
842
00:37:14,291 --> 00:37:16,333
♪ A trail of manure
But it's coming from the cop ♪
843
00:37:16,333 --> 00:37:17,333
Yeah!
844
00:37:17,333 --> 00:37:18,916
- [music stops]
- [audience laughs]
845
00:37:18,916 --> 00:37:21,708
[cheers and applause]
846
00:37:23,625 --> 00:37:24,916
You guys are fun.
847
00:37:28,375 --> 00:37:29,500
Thank you.
848
00:37:33,000 --> 00:37:34,083
Splenda.
849
00:37:34,083 --> 00:37:36,666
That was the Splenda one. That fucking...
850
00:37:37,708 --> 00:37:39,041
How about the word, "Answer."
851
00:37:39,041 --> 00:37:42,625
You ever think about that word, "Answer"?
And go, "How did that happen?"
852
00:37:42,625 --> 00:37:45,333
The spelling of "Answer." A-N-S...
853
00:37:45,333 --> 00:37:46,291
W...
854
00:37:46,291 --> 00:37:47,500
"W"? What the fuck?
855
00:37:48,083 --> 00:37:49,166
- [dog barks]
- What?
856
00:37:49,166 --> 00:37:50,875
- [Dan] Oh shit.
- [audience exclaims]
857
00:37:50,875 --> 00:37:52,750
I told... What the fuck is happening?
858
00:37:53,916 --> 00:37:55,375
Whose fucking dog is it?
859
00:37:57,125 --> 00:37:59,000
You want to watch the show, or...
860
00:37:59,791 --> 00:38:01,083
Hello!
861
00:38:02,250 --> 00:38:03,750
Hello, dog!
862
00:38:03,750 --> 00:38:05,500
How are you, dog...?
863
00:38:05,500 --> 00:38:07,375
- Yep, good doggie...
- [man whistling] Run!
864
00:38:07,375 --> 00:38:08,458
Alright.
865
00:38:08,458 --> 00:38:10,708
- What's the dog's name? You know?
- Gary.
866
00:38:10,708 --> 00:38:11,708
[Adam] Gary?
867
00:38:11,708 --> 00:38:13,083
Hello, Gary!
868
00:38:13,083 --> 00:38:16,458
Hang on, Gary! Sit! I want to see
if I can get that pink thing going.
869
00:38:16,458 --> 00:38:17,791
- Let's go.
- [crowd laughs]
870
00:38:20,458 --> 00:38:22,083
Just tickling you, Gary!
871
00:38:22,666 --> 00:38:24,291
Just a little tickle!
872
00:38:25,041 --> 00:38:28,000
Later, Gary. Good boy. Way to go, Gary.
873
00:38:28,916 --> 00:38:30,583
Shit, man.
874
00:38:32,291 --> 00:38:34,041
Anyways, we've lost control.
875
00:38:34,041 --> 00:38:36,125
[laughter and clapping]
876
00:38:37,500 --> 00:38:39,000
Alright, I'm leaving.
877
00:38:39,583 --> 00:38:41,375
Alright, fucking...
878
00:38:41,375 --> 00:38:44,208
Did I-- I ask you guys,
what about the word "Answer?"
879
00:38:45,083 --> 00:38:47,000
The word, "Answer," goddammit.
880
00:38:47,000 --> 00:38:49,541
How the fuck did "A-N-S-W..."
881
00:38:49,541 --> 00:38:51,666
"W"? How the fuck did that happen? Shit.
882
00:38:52,333 --> 00:38:53,833
I know, I'm going to tell you.
883
00:38:53,833 --> 00:38:57,250
So, anyways, Merriam-Webster
is typing up the first dictionary.
884
00:38:57,250 --> 00:38:58,416
A very smart dude.
885
00:38:58,416 --> 00:39:00,875
He's fucking got big words, definitions.
886
00:39:01,416 --> 00:39:04,333
He's going fucking nuts.
He's got a pipe and all that shit.
887
00:39:04,333 --> 00:39:06,000
His mother comes into the room.
888
00:39:06,000 --> 00:39:08,083
"Let your brother do one."
889
00:39:08,625 --> 00:39:11,833
And Merriam's, like,
"No, no. no. This is my book, Ma."
890
00:39:11,833 --> 00:39:14,291
"Please? You're so... You have everything."
891
00:39:14,291 --> 00:39:17,125
"He's so sad in the other room."
892
00:39:17,125 --> 00:39:19,333
"Make him feel
like he accomplished something."
893
00:39:19,333 --> 00:39:22,416
Then, the brother comes in,
"Hey, Mom said I could do one?"
894
00:39:24,416 --> 00:39:26,125
Merriam-Webster's, like, "Go ahead."
895
00:39:26,125 --> 00:39:29,166
He goes, "Answer." "A-N-S"...
896
00:39:29,166 --> 00:39:30,250
"W..."
897
00:39:31,291 --> 00:39:32,208
"Seven."
898
00:39:33,500 --> 00:39:34,541
"Semicolon."
899
00:39:35,208 --> 00:39:38,625
Merriam-Webster goes, "You know what?
I'll give you the fucking 'W.'"
900
00:39:39,708 --> 00:39:41,750
Brother's like, "You'll give it to me?"
901
00:39:42,416 --> 00:39:44,125
"Am I fucking charity case?"
902
00:39:45,375 --> 00:39:47,083
"I'll fuck you up, man."
903
00:39:47,875 --> 00:39:52,333
"I'm gonna join the Army one day
and come back and fuck you up for good."
904
00:39:52,333 --> 00:39:55,000
"I'm going to become
a colonel, motherfucker."
905
00:39:55,583 --> 00:39:59,000
"Colonel. C-O-L-O-N-E-L."
906
00:39:59,000 --> 00:40:01,750
"Spell it like that
or I'll fuck you up right now, man."
907
00:40:01,750 --> 00:40:03,250
"Put that in that book."
908
00:40:04,291 --> 00:40:06,458
Fuckin' Merriam's like,
"Alright, dude, that's enough."
909
00:40:06,458 --> 00:40:10,541
"I'll tell you when it's enough,
motherfucker. 'Enough.' E-N-O-U..."
910
00:40:12,000 --> 00:40:12,833
"G..."
911
00:40:13,750 --> 00:40:14,791
"H."
912
00:40:14,791 --> 00:40:17,166
"'G-H' is a fuh sound, fuck face."
913
00:40:19,875 --> 00:40:22,541
"Aw, you gonna have an asthma attack,
motherfucker?"
914
00:40:22,541 --> 00:40:23,541
"Asthma."
915
00:40:23,541 --> 00:40:25,333
"A-S-T..."
916
00:40:25,958 --> 00:40:26,791
"H..."
917
00:40:27,458 --> 00:40:29,041
"'M-A,' fuckhead."
918
00:40:29,708 --> 00:40:31,000
"Put it in the book."
919
00:40:31,875 --> 00:40:33,583
"Stick a salmon up your ass."
920
00:40:33,583 --> 00:40:36,041
"Salmon. S-A-L-M-O-N."
921
00:40:36,041 --> 00:40:38,875
"Write it like that or I'll beat you
from here to Connecticut."
922
00:40:38,875 --> 00:40:42,333
"Connecticut. C-O-N-N-E-C..."
923
00:40:42,333 --> 00:40:43,458
"That makes sense."
924
00:40:43,458 --> 00:40:44,750
"...TICUT."
925
00:40:44,750 --> 00:40:47,458
"I'll fuck you up every Wednesday,
motherfucker."
926
00:40:47,458 --> 00:40:51,208
"Wednesday. W-E-D-N..."
927
00:40:51,208 --> 00:40:54,125
"What? What?
Why'd you look at me like that? N!"
928
00:40:55,083 --> 00:40:56,166
"...nesday."
929
00:40:59,625 --> 00:41:01,166
"Damn, I'm gonna beat your ass."
930
00:41:01,166 --> 00:41:03,833
"Damn. D-A-M...N."
931
00:41:05,875 --> 00:41:07,041
[chuckles]
932
00:41:07,541 --> 00:41:11,000
Finally Merriam's like, "I can't
do this anymore. You're a fucking psycho."
933
00:41:11,000 --> 00:41:12,666
He goes, "I know I'm a psycho."
934
00:41:14,000 --> 00:41:15,875
"Psycho." "P..."
935
00:41:15,875 --> 00:41:18,375
- [audience laughs]
- [pensive music playing]
936
00:41:18,375 --> 00:41:19,708
Oh shit.
937
00:41:21,500 --> 00:41:23,500
[Adam whistling tune]
938
00:41:25,958 --> 00:41:27,958
[Dan whistling tune]
939
00:41:28,333 --> 00:41:30,333
[both whisting tune[
940
00:41:38,041 --> 00:41:40,041
[tune-whistling intensifies]
941
00:41:48,625 --> 00:41:50,291
[laughing] I can't do that.
942
00:41:52,375 --> 00:41:54,541
♪ Getting a divorce ♪
943
00:41:54,541 --> 00:41:56,583
♪ It seems so fun from the outside ♪
944
00:41:57,166 --> 00:41:59,333
♪ Now you can do
Whatever you want ♪
945
00:41:59,333 --> 00:42:01,750
♪ And nobody will stop you ♪
946
00:42:01,750 --> 00:42:03,833
♪ Maybe you'll travel the world ♪
947
00:42:04,416 --> 00:42:06,291
♪ Maybe you'll go to the movies ♪
948
00:42:06,291 --> 00:42:08,916
♪ Maybe you'll learn a new language ♪
949
00:42:08,916 --> 00:42:11,125
♪ Or meet some pretty ladies ♪
950
00:42:11,125 --> 00:42:14,958
♪ Or maybe you'll just
Move in with your sister ♪
951
00:42:14,958 --> 00:42:17,166
♪ And ruin her marriage too ♪
952
00:42:18,291 --> 00:42:19,916
- Okay. [whistles]
- [tune ends]
953
00:42:20,708 --> 00:42:22,791
Thank you. There you go. Good, alright.
954
00:42:22,791 --> 00:42:24,958
Let's hear some of those down the line.
955
00:42:25,875 --> 00:42:29,458
At the end of a great song or something.
Fucking hit those whistles.
956
00:42:29,458 --> 00:42:31,583
- [Dan chuckling]
- I always love that.
957
00:42:31,583 --> 00:42:33,708
You guys would love that. If the people...
958
00:42:33,708 --> 00:42:36,041
You two... That would start a fight again.
959
00:42:37,291 --> 00:42:38,375
The guy behind you.
960
00:42:38,375 --> 00:42:40,041
[whistles loudly]
961
00:42:40,041 --> 00:42:41,458
"Shut the fuck..."
962
00:42:42,416 --> 00:42:44,166
Okay. [chuckles]
963
00:42:44,166 --> 00:42:46,541
Alright, so, uh, let's do a song.
964
00:42:46,541 --> 00:42:48,250
This song seems like a...
965
00:42:48,250 --> 00:42:50,000
Here's a song. Let's see.
966
00:42:50,000 --> 00:42:52,833
Anybody out there
that this song looks like could be about?
967
00:42:52,833 --> 00:42:53,958
Let's see.
968
00:42:53,958 --> 00:42:56,625
It seems like it'd be fun if it was about...
969
00:42:57,500 --> 00:42:59,250
Who the fuck... Looks like...
970
00:43:00,041 --> 00:43:03,666
Shit, I'm really trying to find somebody
that looks like it could be about.
971
00:43:05,125 --> 00:43:07,291
What the fuck? Let's just go right there.
972
00:43:07,291 --> 00:43:09,708
Put a fucking light on this guy
would you, right there?
973
00:43:09,708 --> 00:43:10,750
This gentleman here?
974
00:43:10,750 --> 00:43:12,708
You okay being part of this?
975
00:43:12,708 --> 00:43:14,333
Okay, I love you, brother.
976
00:43:14,333 --> 00:43:16,250
- [gentle tune playing]
- Here we go.
977
00:43:16,250 --> 00:43:19,166
This song was written
about this gentleman right here.
978
00:43:20,958 --> 00:43:22,750
[both chuckling]
979
00:43:22,750 --> 00:43:24,958
♪ Guy with a drone ♪
980
00:43:24,958 --> 00:43:27,250
[Dan] ♪ Guy with a drone ♪
981
00:43:27,250 --> 00:43:31,000
[both] ♪ Making everybody
On the beach today ♪
982
00:43:31,000 --> 00:43:33,166
♪ Uncomfortable ♪
983
00:43:33,166 --> 00:43:35,250
[laughter]
984
00:43:35,791 --> 00:43:37,750
♪ Guy with a drone ♪
985
00:43:37,750 --> 00:43:39,750
[Dan] ♪ Guy with a drone ♪
986
00:43:39,750 --> 00:43:45,083
[both] ♪ Remote control
In front of his swimsuit boner ♪
987
00:43:45,083 --> 00:43:47,166
[laughter]
988
00:43:47,916 --> 00:43:51,541
♪ He says there's
A pod of whales out there ♪
989
00:43:51,541 --> 00:43:54,000
♪ On the ocean today ♪
990
00:43:55,916 --> 00:44:01,125
♪ It might be the rarest sight
He's ever seen ♪
991
00:44:02,208 --> 00:44:04,416
[Adam] ♪ But if that's true ♪
992
00:44:04,416 --> 00:44:07,541
♪ Why is his drone just hovering ♪
993
00:44:07,541 --> 00:44:09,125
♪ Over my wife? ♪
994
00:44:11,791 --> 00:44:14,958
♪ He seems like an odd little fellow ♪
995
00:44:16,250 --> 00:44:19,083
♪ I think it's time to beat him ♪
996
00:44:19,083 --> 00:44:21,583
[chuckling] ♪ With my beach umbrella ♪
997
00:44:21,583 --> 00:44:23,833
Let's hear it for that guy!
I love that guy!
998
00:44:23,833 --> 00:44:26,625
Thank you for being part of that.
Bro, you're a stud!
999
00:44:27,666 --> 00:44:29,416
Thank you. I love you.
1000
00:44:32,875 --> 00:44:35,166
Okay, I hope you guys like this one.
1001
00:44:35,166 --> 00:44:37,250
[piano playing]
1002
00:44:38,333 --> 00:44:40,583
We never played this one out. I'm excited.
1003
00:44:40,583 --> 00:44:41,875
Alright.
1004
00:44:41,875 --> 00:44:43,958
[clapping and whooping]
1005
00:44:50,250 --> 00:44:53,208
♪ Mommy
Why's the door locked? ♪
1006
00:44:54,541 --> 00:44:57,708
♪ Daddy
Why don't you answer? ♪
1007
00:44:57,708 --> 00:45:02,000
♪ I hear Mommy screaming
While Daddy says ♪
1008
00:45:02,000 --> 00:45:04,791
♪ Yes, oh yes ♪
1009
00:45:04,791 --> 00:45:08,416
♪ So I go and get the key ♪
1010
00:45:08,416 --> 00:45:12,416
♪ And I creep in carefully ♪
1011
00:45:12,416 --> 00:45:15,416
♪ And much to my surprise ♪
1012
00:45:16,250 --> 00:45:19,000
♪ Right in front of my eyes ♪
1013
00:45:19,000 --> 00:45:22,750
♪ I see Daddy hitting Mommy ♪
1014
00:45:22,750 --> 00:45:24,833
♪ With his penis ♪
1015
00:45:27,041 --> 00:45:29,875
♪ Mommy, why are the sheets wet? ♪
1016
00:45:30,541 --> 00:45:32,083
[chuckling]
1017
00:45:32,083 --> 00:45:34,958
♪ Daddy, what's with the bedhead ♪
1018
00:45:34,958 --> 00:45:38,541
♪ I hear Daddy say to Mommy ♪
1019
00:45:38,541 --> 00:45:42,166
♪ Honey, I didn't finish yet ♪
1020
00:45:42,166 --> 00:45:45,625
♪ Mom says we'll find another way ♪
1021
00:45:45,625 --> 00:45:49,791
♪ 'Cause her little boy can stay ♪
1022
00:45:49,791 --> 00:45:52,666
♪ So I cuddle up real nice ♪
1023
00:45:53,583 --> 00:45:56,458
♪ Right between Mommy's thighs ♪
1024
00:45:56,458 --> 00:46:00,041
♪ And then Daddy pokes my eye out ♪
1025
00:46:00,041 --> 00:46:02,125
♪ With his penis ♪
1026
00:46:02,625 --> 00:46:04,625
[laughter and applause]
1027
00:46:07,625 --> 00:46:09,625
[audience members whistling]
1028
00:46:09,625 --> 00:46:11,875
[soft piano tune playing]
1029
00:46:16,416 --> 00:46:17,791
This is a sad one.
1030
00:46:18,708 --> 00:46:19,833
[chuckles]
1031
00:46:22,458 --> 00:46:23,833
You sound nice.
1032
00:46:24,375 --> 00:46:26,750
♪ These days she doesn't need my help ♪
1033
00:46:27,291 --> 00:46:28,625
♪ Getting into bed ♪
1034
00:46:29,125 --> 00:46:31,375
♪ She doesn't need me to tuck her in ♪
1035
00:46:31,875 --> 00:46:33,666
♪ Or kiss her on the head ♪
1036
00:46:33,666 --> 00:46:36,250
♪ And she don't need me to pick her up ♪
1037
00:46:36,250 --> 00:46:38,375
♪ At her best friend's front door ♪
1038
00:46:38,375 --> 00:46:41,166
♪ She got her driver's license yesterday ♪
1039
00:46:42,833 --> 00:46:45,583
♪ She don't need me anymore ♪
1040
00:46:46,500 --> 00:46:48,000
♪ Oh no ♪
1041
00:46:49,000 --> 00:46:50,291
♪ Oh no ♪
1042
00:46:51,500 --> 00:46:53,041
♪ Oh no ♪
1043
00:46:53,833 --> 00:46:56,500
♪ Doesn't need me to practice soccer ♪
1044
00:46:56,500 --> 00:46:59,000
♪ Says she doesn't like sports ♪
1045
00:46:59,000 --> 00:47:01,625
♪ She don't need me to teach her algebra ♪
1046
00:47:01,625 --> 00:47:03,500
♪ Or help on book reports ♪
1047
00:47:03,500 --> 00:47:06,333
♪ And she don't need me
To take her swimming ♪
1048
00:47:06,333 --> 00:47:08,958
♪ It's like she'd wish I'd disappear ♪
1049
00:47:08,958 --> 00:47:10,833
♪ But she still needs me ♪
1050
00:47:11,708 --> 00:47:13,666
♪ To buy her friends beer ♪
1051
00:47:13,666 --> 00:47:14,958
♪ Buy her friends beer ♪
1052
00:47:14,958 --> 00:47:18,208
♪ When she needs a case of Natty Ice
She'll come running to me ♪
1053
00:47:18,708 --> 00:47:19,875
[Dan] ♪ Buy her friends beer ♪
1054
00:47:19,875 --> 00:47:23,416
♪ Pony kegs and tallboys
Yeah, I'm still in the party ♪
1055
00:47:23,416 --> 00:47:24,708
♪ Buy her friends beer ♪
1056
00:47:24,708 --> 00:47:26,750
♪ No store would ever sell it to them ♪
1057
00:47:26,750 --> 00:47:30,833
♪ 'Cause they all look like they're ten ♪
1058
00:47:30,833 --> 00:47:33,458
- [tune pauses]
- [cheers and applause]
1059
00:47:34,750 --> 00:47:38,125
- [piano tune resumes]
- ♪ And when my baby girl gets a DUI ♪
1060
00:47:39,250 --> 00:47:44,250
♪ She'll be back
In Daddy's car seat again ♪
1061
00:47:44,250 --> 00:47:46,666
- [cheers and applause]
- [tune becomes pensive]
1062
00:47:47,500 --> 00:47:49,583
♪ Getting a divorce ♪
1063
00:47:49,583 --> 00:47:52,250
♪ Because I bought beer for my daughter ♪
1064
00:47:52,875 --> 00:47:54,916
- [tune stops]
- Alright. Okay, so, uh...
1065
00:47:54,916 --> 00:47:56,083
[chuckles]
1066
00:47:57,041 --> 00:47:58,250
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
1067
00:47:58,250 --> 00:47:59,500
[chuckles]
1068
00:47:59,500 --> 00:48:01,083
That's funny, man.
1069
00:48:02,541 --> 00:48:05,041
Ever go to one of
your kids friends' parties
1070
00:48:05,041 --> 00:48:07,916
and you leave the party,
and got a helium balloon in your hand?
1071
00:48:07,916 --> 00:48:09,208
You're like, "Thank you!"
1072
00:48:09,208 --> 00:48:11,500
And you're walking away
with the helium balloon,
1073
00:48:11,500 --> 00:48:14,708
you're like, "What the fuck...
Why did I leave with a balloon?"
1074
00:48:14,708 --> 00:48:18,250
"Now I gotta drive home with it,"
'cause you're not allowed to let 'em go.
1075
00:48:18,250 --> 00:48:21,083
Back in the day, that's all we did.
You fucking let it go.
1076
00:48:21,083 --> 00:48:23,375
It was like,
fun for the whole fucking family.
1077
00:48:23,375 --> 00:48:25,958
Watching, my whole family
would be like, "There."
1078
00:48:25,958 --> 00:48:28,208
My father would be like... [moans]
1079
00:48:28,208 --> 00:48:32,166
My sister would be like, "I don't see it."
My father would be like... [moans]
1080
00:48:34,250 --> 00:48:36,958
But now you can't
because it's bad for the environment.
1081
00:48:36,958 --> 00:48:40,125
I was like, "Fuck. Now I got to drive home
with this goddamn balloon."
1082
00:48:40,125 --> 00:48:43,458
"It's gonna block every angle."
I'll be like, "Goddamn balloon!"
1083
00:48:43,458 --> 00:48:45,583
So, I was like
"Fuck it. Let me let it go."
1084
00:48:45,583 --> 00:48:48,375
I'm about to let it go,
and then the party empties out.
1085
00:48:48,375 --> 00:48:50,500
All these people coming out,
and I'm like this...
1086
00:48:50,500 --> 00:48:51,875
And they're like... I go...
1087
00:48:51,875 --> 00:48:53,958
And they're like... I go, "No."
1088
00:48:57,000 --> 00:48:59,458
I go, "I was just..."
1089
00:48:59,458 --> 00:49:01,166
"Doing a little lasso shit."
1090
00:49:01,166 --> 00:49:02,958
And they were like, "You!"
1091
00:49:03,458 --> 00:49:06,291
"You were gonna kill the dolphins."
I go, "I'd never do that."
1092
00:49:06,291 --> 00:49:08,625
And they're like... [growls]
And I go... [groans]
1093
00:49:10,041 --> 00:49:12,291
And so, then I go to my car.
1094
00:49:12,291 --> 00:49:15,041
I pretend that the door handle's
too much to manage.
1095
00:49:15,041 --> 00:49:17,333
I let the fucking string
slither out of my hands
1096
00:49:17,333 --> 00:49:18,875
and I stay focused on the handle.
1097
00:49:18,875 --> 00:49:22,291
And I hear them go "What?"
And I go, "What happ... Oh no!"
1098
00:49:22,291 --> 00:49:23,666
Oh...
1099
00:49:23,666 --> 00:49:26,833
"Well, what can we do now?
You know, it's fucking floating away."
1100
00:49:26,833 --> 00:49:29,333
"We can't stop it.
Might as well watch it together."
1101
00:49:29,333 --> 00:49:30,541
They're like... [growls]
1102
00:49:30,541 --> 00:49:31,916
And I go... "Well..."
1103
00:49:33,916 --> 00:49:36,958
And then I go home, and I'm in my bedroom,
1104
00:49:36,958 --> 00:49:39,916
seven o'clock at night,
and I hear a rattling on my window.
1105
00:49:39,916 --> 00:49:41,458
[mimics rattling]
1106
00:49:41,458 --> 00:49:42,750
I go over to the window.
1107
00:49:42,750 --> 00:49:45,458
I open it up, the fuckin' balloon's
floating right there.
1108
00:49:45,458 --> 00:49:47,958
I look out and the balloon's,
like, "Thank you."
1109
00:49:47,958 --> 00:49:49,500
And I go, "Yeah, no problem."
1110
00:49:49,500 --> 00:49:51,750
The balloon's like,
"You see how high I went?"
1111
00:49:51,750 --> 00:49:53,666
I go, "You were fucking way up there."
1112
00:49:53,666 --> 00:49:55,833
And the balloon's like,
"I didn't have a seatbelt."
1113
00:49:55,833 --> 00:49:57,708
I go, "Oh yeah, you're brave, you know?"
1114
00:49:57,708 --> 00:49:59,916
The balloon's, like,
"I didn't care. I just did it."
1115
00:49:59,916 --> 00:50:01,833
And I go, "You fucking went for it."
1116
00:50:01,833 --> 00:50:04,291
And the balloon's like,
"That was my fantasy!"
1117
00:50:04,291 --> 00:50:06,833
And I go,
"Well, your fucking fantasy came true."
1118
00:50:06,833 --> 00:50:09,541
Balloon's like,
"I got two fantasies in my whole life."
1119
00:50:09,541 --> 00:50:12,916
I go, "Well, you had one come true."
The balloon's like, "I had two."
1120
00:50:12,916 --> 00:50:15,166
I go, "Well, you had
fucking one come true."
1121
00:50:15,166 --> 00:50:17,208
And the balloon's like, "I had two."
1122
00:50:17,208 --> 00:50:19,375
- I go, "Alright."
- [audience laughing]
1123
00:50:19,375 --> 00:50:20,916
I ask, "What was the other one?"
1124
00:50:20,916 --> 00:50:23,041
The balloon's like, "I just wanted to know
1125
00:50:23,041 --> 00:50:24,416
what it would feel like if
1126
00:50:24,416 --> 00:50:25,916
somebody ate me out."
1127
00:50:25,916 --> 00:50:28,583
And I go,
"I can't fucking help you out with that."
1128
00:50:28,583 --> 00:50:30,500
"I'm a human. You know what I mean?"
1129
00:50:30,500 --> 00:50:33,833
"I can maybe bring back another balloon
from the party next week."
1130
00:50:33,833 --> 00:50:36,416
"You guys can fuck around."
Balloon's like, "Aww..."
1131
00:50:36,416 --> 00:50:39,708
I go, "I got a bike pump.
You can fuck around with a bike pump?"
1132
00:50:39,708 --> 00:50:41,916
She's like, "I don't know your bike pump."
1133
00:50:41,916 --> 00:50:44,000
I go, "Well, you don't know me, you know?"
1134
00:50:44,000 --> 00:50:46,500
Balloon goes,
"I thought we were having fun."
1135
00:50:48,166 --> 00:50:50,166
I go, "I'm married, you know what I mean?"
1136
00:50:50,166 --> 00:50:52,208
"I got fucking kids.
I got too much to lose."
1137
00:50:52,208 --> 00:50:54,791
Balloon's like, "Aww,
I'm not gonna tell anybody."
1138
00:50:55,666 --> 00:50:58,833
I go, "Well, I'll know,"
and the balloon's like... [sighs]
1139
00:50:58,833 --> 00:51:00,166
"You're cute."
1140
00:51:01,916 --> 00:51:04,583
And I go, "I can't eat you out.
I'm never gonna do that."
1141
00:51:04,583 --> 00:51:05,875
"It doesn't make sense."
1142
00:51:05,875 --> 00:51:08,916
But I go, "But how would one
go about eating out a balloon?"
1143
00:51:08,916 --> 00:51:12,916
The balloon's like, "It's simple.
So take me and rub me on your head..."
1144
00:51:12,916 --> 00:51:14,333
And I go, "Well, I can do that."
1145
00:51:14,333 --> 00:51:17,458
My wife will never get mad at me
for rubbing a balloon on my head.
1146
00:51:17,458 --> 00:51:19,458
I take the balloon, start doing this shit.
1147
00:51:19,458 --> 00:51:22,166
And the balloon's like,
"Whoa, slow down, slow down."
1148
00:51:22,166 --> 00:51:24,000
- [audience chuckles]
- [chuckles]
1149
00:51:24,000 --> 00:51:25,041
"Slow down."
1150
00:51:25,041 --> 00:51:27,541
The balloon's like,
"That's static electricity."
1151
00:51:27,541 --> 00:51:28,958
"That's science."
1152
00:51:30,625 --> 00:51:33,416
I go, "Okay."
"Put me on the bed. I'll stick to it."
1153
00:51:33,416 --> 00:51:35,125
So I put the balloon on the bed.
1154
00:51:35,125 --> 00:51:37,833
The balloon's like,
"Try to move me," and I go like that.
1155
00:51:37,833 --> 00:51:39,833
It keeps going back to the same space.
1156
00:51:39,833 --> 00:51:42,083
The balloon's laughing,
"Isn't that funny?"
1157
00:51:42,083 --> 00:51:43,166
I go, "That's great."
1158
00:51:43,166 --> 00:51:45,166
The balloon's like,
"Really try and move me!"
1159
00:51:45,166 --> 00:51:48,208
So I go, boom, boom.
Balloon's like, "Now we're talking."
1160
00:51:48,791 --> 00:51:50,291
And I say, "Okay."
1161
00:51:51,500 --> 00:51:53,625
- [man] Yeah!
- Then the balloon's like,
1162
00:51:54,625 --> 00:51:58,500
"Can you undo my...
See the little knot at the bottom?"
1163
00:51:58,500 --> 00:52:01,416
I go, "Yeah."
The balloon's like, "That's my vagalloon!"
1164
00:52:01,416 --> 00:52:02,666
And then I said "Okay."
1165
00:52:02,666 --> 00:52:05,916
And the balloon's like, "Open it,"
and I take the fuckin' thing.
1166
00:52:05,916 --> 00:52:09,291
I go, "I can open a fuckin'... My wife
won't be pissed at me opening a balloon."
1167
00:52:09,291 --> 00:52:11,666
So I start untying it,
and the balloon's like,
1168
00:52:11,666 --> 00:52:13,333
"Ooh, ooh, cut your nails."
1169
00:52:13,333 --> 00:52:14,916
And I go, "What the fuck?"
1170
00:52:14,916 --> 00:52:17,583
My nails are fine, and I get it open.
1171
00:52:18,500 --> 00:52:20,916
And the balloon's like,
"Open it up just lightly."
1172
00:52:20,916 --> 00:52:22,791
"Don't go fucking crazy on me."
1173
00:52:22,791 --> 00:52:24,250
I open it up, and I hear...
1174
00:52:24,250 --> 00:52:25,458
[makes whizzing sound]
1175
00:52:25,458 --> 00:52:28,666
...like that.
And the balloon's like, "Oh my God."
1176
00:52:28,666 --> 00:52:29,833
"Sorry."
1177
00:52:29,833 --> 00:52:31,500
And I go, "No, that's fine."
1178
00:52:31,500 --> 00:52:33,833
And the balloon's like,
"I'm so embarrassed,
1179
00:52:33,833 --> 00:52:37,791
and I made a heli-queefie."
1180
00:52:38,625 --> 00:52:40,708
I go, "That's fucking natural."
1181
00:52:41,291 --> 00:52:45,666
"You're gonna tell all your friends."
I go, "I'm not gonna fuckin' tell anybody."
1182
00:52:45,666 --> 00:52:48,833
"Maybe I'll tell a few people
in a theater one day."
1183
00:52:51,208 --> 00:52:54,208
And, uh, the balloon's like,
"Play with my nipple now."
1184
00:52:54,208 --> 00:52:56,583
I go, "You got a nipple?"
"On top of me."
1185
00:52:56,583 --> 00:52:59,750
I go,
"Yeah, I guess that looks like a nipple."
1186
00:52:59,750 --> 00:53:02,166
The balloon's like,
"It looks like it? It is one!"
1187
00:53:02,166 --> 00:53:03,458
"Fucking play with it!"
1188
00:53:03,458 --> 00:53:06,083
Started yelling at me and shit.
I go, "This is getting nuts."
1189
00:53:06,083 --> 00:53:09,250
"I'm getting uncomfortable.
You're fucking making me feel bad."
1190
00:53:09,250 --> 00:53:11,958
And so I just stopped.
I pulled the plug on that shit.
1191
00:53:11,958 --> 00:53:14,125
I couldn't... I had to quit this.
1192
00:53:14,125 --> 00:53:16,125
Anyways, um, my wife, like,
1193
00:53:16,125 --> 00:53:17,833
uh, 45 minutes later...
1194
00:53:17,833 --> 00:53:19,708
She starts knocking on the door.
1195
00:53:19,708 --> 00:53:21,958
You know, fucking screaming,
"Where were you?"
1196
00:53:21,958 --> 00:53:24,166
And "Dinner's been ready.
The kids are down."
1197
00:53:24,166 --> 00:53:27,541
"What the fuck's going on?
And why is your hair sticking up?"
1198
00:53:27,541 --> 00:53:29,291
- Uh...
- [scattered laughter]
1199
00:53:30,125 --> 00:53:31,291
And I...
1200
00:53:31,291 --> 00:53:32,375
I was like...
1201
00:53:32,916 --> 00:53:36,666
[high-pitched voice] "Sweetheart,
I was just having fun with my friend."
1202
00:53:38,416 --> 00:53:42,125
[high-pitched voice] "No one
was licking anyone's vagalloon."
1203
00:53:42,708 --> 00:53:44,708
[whizzing in high-pitched voice]
1204
00:53:46,166 --> 00:53:47,333
- [thunder rumbling]
- Whoa.
1205
00:53:47,333 --> 00:53:48,916
[ominous piano tune]
1206
00:53:48,916 --> 00:53:51,458
Holy shit, that sounds scary.
That scare you guys?
1207
00:53:51,458 --> 00:53:53,458
You guys.... Are you a little scared?
1208
00:53:53,458 --> 00:53:55,541
Me too. I got fuckin' nervous right now.
1209
00:53:55,541 --> 00:53:58,000
- [wolf howl]
- [ominous piano tune playing]
1210
00:53:58,000 --> 00:54:00,250
[wolf howl] Let me hear you, out there.
1211
00:54:00,250 --> 00:54:03,083
- [audience howling]
- [Adam witch cackle]
1212
00:54:03,083 --> 00:54:04,250
[wolf howl]
1213
00:54:04,250 --> 00:54:06,333
[audience howling]
1214
00:54:06,333 --> 00:54:09,375
♪ Scary shit's coming ♪
1215
00:54:10,041 --> 00:54:11,208
[howls]
1216
00:54:11,208 --> 00:54:13,000
[audience howling]
1217
00:54:13,000 --> 00:54:16,458
♪ My mother just flew out to visit ♪
1218
00:54:16,458 --> 00:54:18,416
[audience laughing and howling]
1219
00:54:18,416 --> 00:54:22,125
♪ And I asked her
How long she's staying for ♪
1220
00:54:22,125 --> 00:54:23,708
[howling]
1221
00:54:23,708 --> 00:54:27,541
♪ And she says
"I didn't book a return flight" ♪
1222
00:54:27,541 --> 00:54:29,916
No!
1223
00:54:29,916 --> 00:54:33,875
- [long howl echoing]
- [Adam laughs sinisterly]
1224
00:54:36,833 --> 00:54:39,916
♪ More scary shit's coming ♪
1225
00:54:39,916 --> 00:54:41,291
[howls]
1226
00:54:41,291 --> 00:54:42,958
[audience howling]
1227
00:54:42,958 --> 00:54:47,291
♪ I'm driving down the road
At three o'clock in the afternoon ♪
1228
00:54:47,291 --> 00:54:48,791
[howling]
1229
00:54:48,791 --> 00:54:52,625
♪ And I can't see shit
'Cause the sun is directly in my eyes ♪
1230
00:54:52,625 --> 00:54:53,958
[laughing and howling]
1231
00:54:53,958 --> 00:54:56,166
♪ But I just do what everybody else does ♪
1232
00:54:56,166 --> 00:54:59,291
♪ I keep driving and pray
I don't fucking hit anything ♪
1233
00:54:59,291 --> 00:55:01,083
[audience howling]
1234
00:55:01,083 --> 00:55:03,208
♪ Then I hear a thud. ♪
1235
00:55:03,208 --> 00:55:04,333
[howling]
1236
00:55:04,333 --> 00:55:07,541
♪ Then I see a blonde wig
Fly over the car. ♪
1237
00:55:07,541 --> 00:55:08,458
[chuckles]
1238
00:55:08,458 --> 00:55:12,000
♪ Along with six pieces of sushi ♪
1239
00:55:12,000 --> 00:55:14,541
[audience laughing and howling]
1240
00:55:14,541 --> 00:55:16,208
♪ And then I realize ♪
1241
00:55:16,208 --> 00:55:18,500
♪ I just killed David Spade ♪
1242
00:55:18,500 --> 00:55:20,166
No!
1243
00:55:20,166 --> 00:55:23,333
David! I didn't see you there!
1244
00:55:23,333 --> 00:55:26,375
[laughs sinisterly]
1245
00:55:26,375 --> 00:55:27,666
♪ More... ♪ [chuckles]
1246
00:55:27,666 --> 00:55:30,416
♪ More scary shit's coming ♪
1247
00:55:30,416 --> 00:55:31,958
[howling]
1248
00:55:31,958 --> 00:55:36,000
[laughs like Scooby-Doo]
1249
00:55:36,791 --> 00:55:39,375
- Your turn. [laughs like Scooby]
- [audience laughs like Scooby]
1250
00:55:39,375 --> 00:55:40,458
Very good.
1251
00:55:40,958 --> 00:55:43,625
♪ I'm watching porno ♪
1252
00:55:43,625 --> 00:55:45,791
[all howling]
1253
00:55:46,625 --> 00:55:48,250
♪ On my iPhone ♪
1254
00:55:48,250 --> 00:55:49,666
[audience howls]
1255
00:55:49,666 --> 00:55:52,125
♪ And no sound is coming out ♪
1256
00:55:52,125 --> 00:55:54,416
[audience exclaiming and howling]
1257
00:55:55,250 --> 00:55:58,666
♪ Then I realize
I'm connected to Bluetooth ♪
1258
00:55:59,166 --> 00:56:01,000
[audience exclaiming and howling]
1259
00:56:01,000 --> 00:56:02,000
[Adam chuckles]
1260
00:56:02,500 --> 00:56:04,375
♪ In my wife's car ♪
1261
00:56:04,375 --> 00:56:06,666
- [laughter and howling]
- [chuckling]
1262
00:56:07,291 --> 00:56:10,541
♪ And she's taking the kids
To soccer practice ♪
1263
00:56:10,541 --> 00:56:12,125
Hey, no!
1264
00:56:12,125 --> 00:56:16,625
Children! Daddy just had an itch,
and he was scratching it!
1265
00:56:16,625 --> 00:56:18,833
- [laughing]
- [audience laughing]
1266
00:56:18,833 --> 00:56:21,291
He wasn't doing anything funny.
1267
00:56:21,833 --> 00:56:26,000
[laughing sinisterly]
1268
00:56:26,916 --> 00:56:29,416
♪ More scary shit's coming ♪ [chuckles]
1269
00:56:30,416 --> 00:56:34,916
♪ It's Halloween night
And I can't find my weed gummies ♪
1270
00:56:34,916 --> 00:56:36,666
[howling]
1271
00:56:36,666 --> 00:56:40,916
♪ Then I realize my mother is
Handing them out to all the children ♪
1272
00:56:40,916 --> 00:56:43,000
Oh no!
1273
00:56:43,000 --> 00:56:45,958
- [howl echoing]
- Ride it out, children. You'll be fine.
1274
00:56:46,625 --> 00:56:48,125
[chuckling]
1275
00:56:48,125 --> 00:56:51,041
It only last six hours.
1276
00:56:54,833 --> 00:56:56,541
♪ More fucking scary shit ♪
1277
00:56:56,541 --> 00:56:58,666
♪ And I can't believe it either ♪
1278
00:56:59,166 --> 00:57:01,083
[howls] ♪ A little louder ♪
1279
00:57:01,083 --> 00:57:02,666
[loud howling]
1280
00:57:02,666 --> 00:57:04,583
♪ Not that loud, that scared me ♪
1281
00:57:06,000 --> 00:57:09,625
♪ I just tried
To send my wife a dick pic ♪
1282
00:57:09,625 --> 00:57:10,958
[howling]
1283
00:57:10,958 --> 00:57:14,666
♪ But I accidentally sent it
To Al Pacino ♪
1284
00:57:14,666 --> 00:57:16,583
[howling]
1285
00:57:16,583 --> 00:57:19,000
♪ And he sent me two back ♪ [chuckles]
1286
00:57:19,000 --> 00:57:20,416
Oh no!
1287
00:57:20,416 --> 00:57:21,666
[groans]
1288
00:57:22,208 --> 00:57:24,333
Good for you, Al. Nice job.
1289
00:57:26,833 --> 00:57:28,000
[laughs gruffly]
1290
00:57:28,000 --> 00:57:29,291
[audience laughs gruffly]
1291
00:57:29,291 --> 00:57:31,375
[Adam laughs sinisterly]
1292
00:57:31,375 --> 00:57:32,666
[blows raspberry]
1293
00:57:32,666 --> 00:57:35,250
[Adam laughing]
1294
00:57:35,250 --> 00:57:37,250
[long howl echoing]
1295
00:57:37,250 --> 00:57:39,000
♪ Last fucking scary thing ♪
1296
00:57:39,000 --> 00:57:41,958
[Adam and audience howling]
1297
00:57:41,958 --> 00:57:43,916
[audience member barking]
1298
00:57:43,916 --> 00:57:45,166
No barking.
1299
00:57:45,166 --> 00:57:46,916
[audience laughs]
1300
00:57:47,416 --> 00:57:50,333
♪ I just found my wife's vibrator ♪
1301
00:57:50,333 --> 00:57:52,416
[howling]
1302
00:57:52,416 --> 00:57:54,666
♪ On the bed in the guest room ♪
1303
00:57:54,666 --> 00:57:56,708
[howling]
1304
00:57:57,208 --> 00:57:59,125
♪ Where my mother is staying ♪
1305
00:57:59,125 --> 00:58:00,916
[audience exclaiming and laughing]
1306
00:58:00,916 --> 00:58:02,666
[chuckles, howls]
1307
00:58:02,666 --> 00:58:04,750
[audience howling]
1308
00:58:04,750 --> 00:58:07,041
♪ And it was still warm ♪
1309
00:58:07,041 --> 00:58:09,041
No!
1310
00:58:09,041 --> 00:58:10,958
Mommy!
1311
00:58:11,458 --> 00:58:13,041
"Mommies can have fun too!"
1312
00:58:13,041 --> 00:58:14,833
- [Adam laughs]
- [audience laughing]
1313
00:58:14,833 --> 00:58:17,375
You guys are pretty damn good, man.
1314
00:58:17,916 --> 00:58:19,083
Thank you.
1315
00:58:19,083 --> 00:58:21,166
[cheers and applause]
1316
00:58:24,833 --> 00:58:26,166
Ah, shit, man.
1317
00:58:27,625 --> 00:58:30,000
We definitely need the fucking thing.
1318
00:58:30,000 --> 00:58:32,625
[tech] Good news... It looks... We... We got it.
1319
00:58:32,625 --> 00:58:35,375
We figured out the problem.
We need another couple minutes.
1320
00:58:35,375 --> 00:58:38,916
Why don't you do Elvis,
and we'll have it good-to-go by then.
1321
00:58:39,833 --> 00:58:41,083
You promise?
1322
00:58:42,291 --> 00:58:44,208
[chuckles] I absolutely promise.
1323
00:58:44,208 --> 00:58:47,416
You know, you fucking never said
"I'm sorry" one fucking time?
1324
00:58:47,958 --> 00:58:49,666
[tech] It's a technical difficulty.
1325
00:58:49,666 --> 00:58:52,500
Alright, fuckhead,
you said that ten times!
1326
00:58:52,500 --> 00:58:55,500
[tech] If you want to wait,
we can just wait five minutes.
1327
00:58:55,500 --> 00:58:57,500
Alright, we'll do the... Alright.
1328
00:58:57,500 --> 00:59:00,541
- Do Elvis. Okay, brother. Yeah.
- Do Elvis and we'll have it going.
1329
00:59:00,541 --> 00:59:02,125
I'm fuckin'...
1330
00:59:03,666 --> 00:59:05,958
Alright, let's do the Elvis, guys.
1331
00:59:05,958 --> 00:59:08,041
[audience cheering and applauding]
1332
00:59:08,958 --> 00:59:10,958
[scattered shouts and whoops]
1333
00:59:12,166 --> 00:59:14,166
[upbeat rock tune playing]
1334
00:59:19,041 --> 00:59:21,958
- [audience cheering]
- ["It's Now or Never" instrumental plays]
1335
00:59:21,958 --> 00:59:25,416
♪ It's now or never ♪
1336
00:59:26,083 --> 00:59:29,625
♪ Come hold me tight ♪
1337
00:59:29,625 --> 00:59:33,000
♪ Kiss me, my darling ♪
1338
00:59:33,583 --> 00:59:37,541
♪ Be mine tonight ♪
1339
00:59:37,541 --> 00:59:40,458
♪ Tomorrow ♪
1340
00:59:40,458 --> 00:59:43,750
♪ Will be too late ♪
1341
00:59:44,541 --> 00:59:47,625
♪ It's now or never ♪
1342
00:59:48,250 --> 00:59:50,750
♪ My love won't wait ♪
1343
00:59:50,750 --> 00:59:51,833
[cheering]
1344
00:59:51,833 --> 00:59:54,833
♪ When I first saw you ♪
1345
00:59:55,583 --> 00:59:58,750
♪ With your smile so tender ♪
1346
00:59:59,333 --> 01:00:02,083
♪ My heart was captured ♪
1347
01:00:02,875 --> 01:00:06,125
♪ My soul surrendered ♪
1348
01:00:06,125 --> 01:00:08,958
♪ I spent a lifetime ♪
1349
01:00:10,083 --> 01:00:12,875
♪ Waiting for the right time ♪
1350
01:00:14,125 --> 01:00:16,458
♪ Now that you're near ♪
1351
01:00:16,458 --> 01:00:20,541
♪ The time is here, at last ♪
1352
01:00:21,083 --> 01:00:24,791
♪ It's now or never ♪
1353
01:00:24,791 --> 01:00:28,416
♪ Come hold me tight ♪
1354
01:00:28,416 --> 01:00:31,708
♪ Kiss me, my darling ♪
1355
01:00:32,333 --> 01:00:34,541
♪ Be mine tonight ♪
1356
01:00:37,041 --> 01:00:39,041
♪ Tomorrow ♪
1357
01:00:39,541 --> 01:00:42,375
♪ Will be too late ♪
1358
01:00:43,166 --> 01:00:46,041
♪ It's now or never ♪
1359
01:00:46,833 --> 01:00:48,916
♪ My love won't wait ♪
1360
01:00:50,500 --> 01:00:52,875
♪ Just like a willow ♪
1361
01:00:53,875 --> 01:00:57,250
♪ We would cry an ocean ♪
1362
01:00:57,250 --> 01:01:00,291
♪ If we lost true love ♪
1363
01:01:01,666 --> 01:01:04,125
♪ And sweet devotion ♪
1364
01:01:04,833 --> 01:01:07,416
♪ Your lips excite me ♪
1365
01:01:08,208 --> 01:01:10,750
♪ Let your arms invite me ♪
1366
01:01:11,916 --> 01:01:14,375
♪ For who knows when ♪
1367
01:01:14,375 --> 01:01:16,458
♪ We'll meet again ♪
1368
01:01:16,458 --> 01:01:18,541
♪ This way ♪
1369
01:01:19,125 --> 01:01:22,625
♪ It's now or never ♪
1370
01:01:23,500 --> 01:01:26,208
♪ Come hold me tight ♪
1371
01:01:26,875 --> 01:01:30,500
♪ Kiss me, my darling ♪
1372
01:01:30,500 --> 01:01:35,000
♪ Be mine tonight ♪
1373
01:01:35,000 --> 01:01:37,875
♪ Tomorrow ♪
1374
01:01:37,875 --> 01:01:40,583
♪ Will be too late ♪
1375
01:01:41,416 --> 01:01:44,458
♪ It's now or never ♪
1376
01:01:45,041 --> 01:01:47,958
♪ My love won't wait ♪
1377
01:01:48,625 --> 01:01:52,375
♪ It's now or never ♪
1378
01:01:52,375 --> 01:01:54,916
♪ My love won't wait ♪
1379
01:01:55,916 --> 01:01:59,250
♪ It's now or never ♪
1380
01:01:59,250 --> 01:02:02,750
♪ My love won't wait ♪
1381
01:02:02,750 --> 01:02:04,916
[loud cheers and applause]
1382
01:02:04,916 --> 01:02:06,958
Pretty fucking good, bro!
1383
01:02:06,958 --> 01:02:08,958
Pretty fucking good!
1384
01:02:08,958 --> 01:02:11,791
Go, baby, go! Kick that shit!
1385
01:02:11,791 --> 01:02:14,083
Go! Hit it! Go!
1386
01:02:14,083 --> 01:02:16,625
Yeah! Hit! That! Boom!
1387
01:02:16,625 --> 01:02:18,708
- [music ends]
- [cheers and applause]
1388
01:02:19,291 --> 01:02:20,250
Uh-huh!
1389
01:02:20,750 --> 01:02:22,750
[audience cheering and whistling]
1390
01:02:23,291 --> 01:02:24,250
[chord strumming]
1391
01:02:24,250 --> 01:02:25,208
Thank you.
1392
01:02:25,875 --> 01:02:27,041
Alright.
1393
01:02:27,041 --> 01:02:29,041
[panting]
1394
01:02:29,041 --> 01:02:31,708
Robbie Schneider's ass, everybody!
1395
01:02:32,208 --> 01:02:34,291
Thank you. Thank you very much.
1396
01:02:34,916 --> 01:02:36,416
That's good. [panting]
1397
01:02:36,416 --> 01:02:38,375
- Wow.
- Why don't you fuckin'...
1398
01:02:38,375 --> 01:02:41,208
I'll sing one more tune.
Why don't you sit out there?
1399
01:02:42,083 --> 01:02:44,500
- [Rob] Okay, I'm going.
- Yeah, go sit. Okay.
1400
01:02:44,500 --> 01:02:47,208
[Rob] Where is it? Excuse me.
Pardon me. Let me just...
1401
01:02:47,208 --> 01:02:49,041
[Adam laughing]
1402
01:02:49,625 --> 01:02:52,041
You're gonna get hurt, buddy. Be careful.
1403
01:02:52,041 --> 01:02:53,625
No! Oh, Robbie.
1404
01:02:54,250 --> 01:02:56,250
What the fuck are you doing?
1405
01:02:56,833 --> 01:02:59,291
Alright, just sit there. How's that?
Can you handle that?
1406
01:02:59,291 --> 01:03:00,250
Sit down.
1407
01:03:00,250 --> 01:03:02,083
[laughter and clapping]
1408
01:03:02,083 --> 01:03:04,666
Hey, it's like Willie Tyler and Lester.
1409
01:03:04,666 --> 01:03:06,750
[laughter]
1410
01:03:08,333 --> 01:03:10,208
Alright, man.
1411
01:03:11,250 --> 01:03:12,708
[soft guitar tune playing]
1412
01:03:12,708 --> 01:03:14,208
[Adam] Okay, y'all.
1413
01:03:14,208 --> 01:03:16,958
We got one more.
You said the shit's working?
1414
01:03:16,958 --> 01:03:17,875
Yeah.
1415
01:03:17,875 --> 01:03:19,083
[tech] Yes.
1416
01:03:19,083 --> 01:03:20,708
You swear to God?
1417
01:03:21,833 --> 01:03:22,916
[tech] I'm sorry.
1418
01:03:22,916 --> 01:03:25,000
[audience laughing]
1419
01:03:26,291 --> 01:03:27,625
All right. We'll see.
1420
01:03:27,833 --> 01:03:28,875
Okay. Alright, Matt.
1421
01:03:28,875 --> 01:03:31,625
You guys have been great.
I love you, I had a great time.
1422
01:03:31,625 --> 01:03:33,291
[loud cheering]
1423
01:03:33,291 --> 01:03:35,708
This guitar, by the way,
is a very special guitar.
1424
01:03:35,708 --> 01:03:38,166
My dad got it for me when I was 12.
Swear to God.
1425
01:03:38,166 --> 01:03:39,500
Yeah.
1426
01:03:40,375 --> 01:03:42,000
Alright. Alright.
1427
01:03:42,000 --> 01:03:44,416
- [light strumming]
- Okay. So here we go.
1428
01:03:44,416 --> 01:03:45,791
We'll hit this one.
1429
01:03:46,291 --> 01:03:48,625
- Let's get it on.
- [soft rock tune playing]
1430
01:03:48,625 --> 01:03:51,458
♪ You're down boy ♪
1431
01:03:52,541 --> 01:03:55,125
♪ No one around, boy ♪
1432
01:03:56,625 --> 01:04:00,083
♪ Head in your hands
And pain, so much pain ♪
1433
01:04:00,833 --> 01:04:04,583
♪ How can you ever be yourself again? ♪
1434
01:04:05,083 --> 01:04:08,166
♪ Where do you go now? ♪
1435
01:04:09,166 --> 01:04:12,208
♪ To get back your soul now? ♪
1436
01:04:13,916 --> 01:04:16,250
♪ Do you stare at the ceiling ♪
1437
01:04:16,250 --> 01:04:18,541
♪ And tune yourself out? ♪
1438
01:04:18,541 --> 01:04:20,625
♪ Or crawl in a bottle ♪
1439
01:04:20,625 --> 01:04:22,666
♪ And never crawl out? ♪
1440
01:04:22,666 --> 01:04:24,875
♪ You're just searching and searching ♪
1441
01:04:24,875 --> 01:04:26,958
♪ For the big takeaway ♪
1442
01:04:26,958 --> 01:04:29,333
♪ How the hell did this happen? ♪
1443
01:04:29,333 --> 01:04:31,041
♪ You look up and pray ♪
1444
01:04:31,041 --> 01:04:33,375
♪ For the smile, girl ♪
1445
01:04:35,333 --> 01:04:37,916
♪ It's been a while, girl ♪
1446
01:04:39,333 --> 01:04:41,166
♪ You need a fix ♪
1447
01:04:41,166 --> 01:04:43,416
♪ And you need it fast ♪
1448
01:04:43,416 --> 01:04:47,583
♪ How can you put
All this shit in the past? ♪
1449
01:04:48,125 --> 01:04:52,250
♪ Yeah, who's gonna be the hero? ♪
1450
01:04:52,958 --> 01:04:55,916
♪ To get you through the night ♪
1451
01:04:57,291 --> 01:05:01,208
♪ Who's gonna wrap their arms around you ♪
1452
01:05:01,208 --> 01:05:04,125
♪ And make everything alright? ♪
1453
01:05:04,708 --> 01:05:06,500
♪ You know, it's comedy ♪
1454
01:05:06,500 --> 01:05:08,583
[audience exclaiming]
1455
01:05:08,583 --> 01:05:11,500
♪ Here comes the comedy ♪
1456
01:05:13,583 --> 01:05:15,666
♪ Got you smilin' and gigglin' ♪
1457
01:05:15,666 --> 01:05:17,791
♪ Like you were a kid ♪
1458
01:05:17,791 --> 01:05:20,583
♪ Didn't think it could get ya ♪
1459
01:05:20,583 --> 01:05:22,250
♪ But it just fuckin' did ♪
1460
01:05:22,250 --> 01:05:24,250
♪ You're laughin' so hard ♪
1461
01:05:24,250 --> 01:05:26,666
♪ As you feel the pain pass ♪
1462
01:05:26,666 --> 01:05:29,166
♪ All because Ace Ventura ♪
1463
01:05:29,166 --> 01:05:31,166
♪ Just talked with his ass, yeah ♪
1464
01:05:31,166 --> 01:05:32,500
♪ The comedy ♪
1465
01:05:32,500 --> 01:05:34,833
[clapping and whooping]
1466
01:05:34,833 --> 01:05:37,916
♪ There's so much stress, kid ♪
1467
01:05:39,458 --> 01:05:42,291
♪ You're such a mess, kid ♪
1468
01:05:43,791 --> 01:05:46,250
♪ If your first boyfriend dumps you ♪
1469
01:05:46,250 --> 01:05:48,125
♪ Through a text on the phone ♪
1470
01:05:48,125 --> 01:05:50,583
♪ Or a note's on the dresser ♪
1471
01:05:50,583 --> 01:05:52,500
♪ She ain't coming home ♪
1472
01:05:52,500 --> 01:05:54,583
♪ When you're down with a case ♪
1473
01:05:54,583 --> 01:05:57,166
♪ Of the gettin'-bullied blues ♪
1474
01:05:57,166 --> 01:06:01,166
♪ Or holding their hand
Through the doctor's bad news ♪
1475
01:06:01,166 --> 01:06:04,958
♪ You can do the pints of ice cream ♪
1476
01:06:06,000 --> 01:06:08,916
♪ Or cry and cry in bed ♪
1477
01:06:09,541 --> 01:06:11,958
♪ Or run away ♪
1478
01:06:11,958 --> 01:06:13,791
♪ Or scream all day ♪
1479
01:06:14,291 --> 01:06:17,083
♪ Or try this one instead ♪
1480
01:06:17,750 --> 01:06:19,541
♪ Try on the comedy ♪
1481
01:06:19,541 --> 01:06:21,625
[cheers and applause]
1482
01:06:21,625 --> 01:06:24,250
♪ We all need the comedy ♪
1483
01:06:26,541 --> 01:06:28,583
♪ You were close to the edge ♪
1484
01:06:28,583 --> 01:06:30,500
♪ Then you gave it a chance ♪
1485
01:06:30,500 --> 01:06:33,166
♪ Now you're doing spit takes ♪
1486
01:06:33,166 --> 01:06:35,041
♪ And you're pissing your pants ♪
1487
01:06:35,041 --> 01:06:38,958
♪ Yeah, the pain and the heartbreak
Got knocked off its feet ♪
1488
01:06:38,958 --> 01:06:41,541
♪ All because all these bridesmaids ♪
1489
01:06:41,541 --> 01:06:43,291
♪ Just shit in the street ♪
1490
01:06:43,291 --> 01:06:45,125
♪ Yeah, the comedy ♪
1491
01:06:47,041 --> 01:06:49,500
♪ Nothing beats the comedy ♪
1492
01:06:51,666 --> 01:06:55,291
♪ Yeah, actors can play dramatic ♪
1493
01:06:56,041 --> 01:06:59,458
♪ Singers can kill a song ♪
1494
01:06:59,958 --> 01:07:04,291
♪ But comedians say, "Fuck you, sadness" ♪
1495
01:07:04,291 --> 01:07:08,625
♪ Let's laugh it off
And move the fuck on ♪
1496
01:07:08,625 --> 01:07:10,458
[cheers and applause]
1497
01:07:10,458 --> 01:07:14,083
♪ So, thank you, Abbott and Costello ♪
1498
01:07:14,666 --> 01:07:17,916
♪ And Leno on Letterman ♪
1499
01:07:19,250 --> 01:07:22,708
♪ Thank you, Ruth Buzzi's pocketbook ♪
1500
01:07:22,708 --> 01:07:25,958
♪ And every scream from Kinison ♪
1501
01:07:27,083 --> 01:07:31,125
♪ Thank you, Lucy
For baking your bread ♪
1502
01:07:31,125 --> 01:07:34,541
♪ And Spinal Tap for going to 11 ♪
1503
01:07:34,541 --> 01:07:35,916
[man in audience] Yeah!
1504
01:07:35,916 --> 01:07:39,208
♪ Thank you, Three Stooges
And Jerry Lewis ♪
1505
01:07:39,208 --> 01:07:42,666
♪ You made me happy since I was seven ♪
1506
01:07:43,416 --> 01:07:48,041
♪ Thank you
Marx Brothers and Gleason on the bus ♪
1507
01:07:48,041 --> 01:07:51,916
♪ Thanks to Benny Hill
For smacking the old bald guy for us ♪
1508
01:07:52,416 --> 01:07:55,916
♪ Thank you, Carol Burnett
George Carlin, and SCTV too ♪
1509
01:07:55,916 --> 01:07:58,333
♪ Eddie Murphy
My whole fucking neighborhood ♪
1510
01:07:58,333 --> 01:08:00,041
♪ Wanted to be you ♪
1511
01:08:00,541 --> 01:08:04,083
♪ Thank you, Sanford and Son
Joan Rivers, and the 2000 Year Old Man ♪
1512
01:08:04,083 --> 01:08:06,375
♪ Lily Tomlin, David Brenner ♪
1513
01:08:06,375 --> 01:08:09,041
♪ Flip Wilson and Roseanne ♪
1514
01:08:09,041 --> 01:08:12,708
♪ Thanks to Billy, Robin, and Whoopi
For showing comedy cares ♪
1515
01:08:12,708 --> 01:08:16,666
♪ Thanks to Peter Sellers
For falling down the stairs ♪
1516
01:08:16,666 --> 01:08:20,833
♪ Rickles and Goldie, Steven Wright
And Madeline Kahn ♪
1517
01:08:20,833 --> 01:08:22,333
♪ Aykroyd and Belushi ♪
1518
01:08:22,333 --> 01:08:25,250
♪ The Jerky Boys
Cheech and fucking Chong ♪
1519
01:08:25,250 --> 01:08:28,666
♪ Airplane, Stir Crazy, The Jerk
And Easy-fucking-Money ♪
1520
01:08:29,250 --> 01:08:31,250
♪ Animal House and Caddyshack ♪
1521
01:08:31,250 --> 01:08:32,916
♪ The kings of the funny ♪
1522
01:08:32,916 --> 01:08:37,375
♪ Pee-wee, Borat, Powers, Mean Girls
The Wayans and Farrelly brothers ♪
1523
01:08:37,375 --> 01:08:41,291
♪ Superbad, Elf, Hangover
And those Jackass motherfuckers ♪
1524
01:08:41,291 --> 01:08:43,583
♪ Thank you, Chris Rock ♪
1525
01:08:43,583 --> 01:08:45,541
[audience exclaiming]
1526
01:08:45,541 --> 01:08:49,041
♪ Seinfeld and Colin Quinn ♪
1527
01:08:50,333 --> 01:08:53,666
♪ Herlihy, Jack, Coraci, and Apatow ♪
1528
01:08:53,666 --> 01:08:56,791
♪ Barrymore and Aniston ♪
1529
01:08:56,791 --> 01:08:57,916
[loud cheers]
1530
01:08:57,916 --> 01:09:01,041
♪ Love you, Buscemi and Stiller ♪
1531
01:09:02,250 --> 01:09:04,916
♪ Love you Triumph and Conie ♪
1532
01:09:06,416 --> 01:09:09,208
♪ Spade, KJ, Meadows and Schneider ♪
1533
01:09:10,458 --> 01:09:13,625
♪ Will always be my homies ♪
1534
01:09:14,625 --> 01:09:16,791
♪ Thank you, Downey ♪
1535
01:09:18,791 --> 01:09:20,958
♪ Thank you, Lorne ♪
1536
01:09:20,958 --> 01:09:22,833
[cheering]
1537
01:09:22,833 --> 01:09:25,875
♪ Thank you, Farley ♪
1538
01:09:25,875 --> 01:09:27,375
[cheers and applause]
1539
01:09:27,375 --> 01:09:30,666
♪ Thank you, Norm ♪
1540
01:09:30,666 --> 01:09:32,750
[loud cheers and applause]
1541
01:09:36,416 --> 01:09:40,541
♪ They say jokes can stay funny forever ♪
1542
01:09:40,541 --> 01:09:43,958
♪ A good joke can stay funny forever ♪
1543
01:09:45,041 --> 01:09:48,916
♪ Movies get older
But the kids still get 'em ♪
1544
01:09:49,416 --> 01:09:52,666
♪ All the great laughs
Yeah, we'll never forget 'em ♪
1545
01:09:52,666 --> 01:09:54,458
♪ That's why I say ♪
1546
01:09:54,458 --> 01:09:56,333
♪ Thank you ♪
1547
01:09:56,333 --> 01:09:57,625
[cheers and applause]
1548
01:09:57,625 --> 01:10:01,791
♪ Thank you ♪
1549
01:10:02,583 --> 01:10:07,000
♪ Good night ♪
1550
01:10:07,000 --> 01:10:09,083
[loud cheers and applause]
1551
01:10:11,000 --> 01:10:12,375
[music ends]
1552
01:10:12,375 --> 01:10:14,375
Good night, you guys! Love ya!
1553
01:10:14,375 --> 01:10:16,458
[cheers and applause continue]
1554
01:10:16,458 --> 01:10:18,541
[piano tune continues]
1555
01:10:22,958 --> 01:10:25,041
Let's hear it from Dan Bulla!
1556
01:10:25,041 --> 01:10:28,000
Alright. Love you, guys.
That was fun hanging out.
1557
01:10:28,000 --> 01:10:29,041
Thank you.
1558
01:10:31,666 --> 01:10:33,666
[scattered whistles and shouts]
1559
01:10:35,750 --> 01:10:36,958
There she is.
1560
01:10:36,958 --> 01:10:39,125
[cheers and applause fade slowly]
1561
01:10:39,125 --> 01:10:40,833
I love you.
1562
01:10:40,833 --> 01:10:43,041
[kissing]
1563
01:10:43,041 --> 01:10:44,125
- Are you good?
- Yes.
1564
01:10:44,125 --> 01:10:45,958
- You had fun?
- Chinese or deli?
1565
01:10:45,958 --> 01:10:48,125
- Uh... deli.
- [Jackie chuckling]
1566
01:10:48,125 --> 01:10:49,750
[Adam] I want 'em both.
1567
01:10:49,750 --> 01:10:51,666
[chattering indistinctly]
1568
01:10:51,666 --> 01:10:53,000
[Adam] Alright. Yo!
1569
01:10:53,000 --> 01:10:54,416
Yo, yo, I love you guys.
1570
01:10:54,416 --> 01:10:55,666
[Jackie] Thank you.
1571
01:10:56,250 --> 01:10:57,625
[Adam] Thank you so much.
1572
01:10:57,625 --> 01:10:59,416
Yo, yo. Yo, yo.
1573
01:10:59,416 --> 01:11:00,791
Thank you. I love you.
1574
01:11:00,791 --> 01:11:03,541
- You feel alright?
- [Jackie] That was great.
1575
01:11:03,541 --> 01:11:04,958
[Adam kisses] Hi.
1576
01:11:05,708 --> 01:11:08,375
Alright. Yo, I was scared.
1577
01:11:08,375 --> 01:11:11,208
- [man] That was fantastic.
- [Adam] It was? You swear?
1578
01:11:11,208 --> 01:11:13,500
You swear? I'll see you soon, man.
1579
01:11:13,500 --> 01:11:15,208
[man] Ladies and gentlemen...
1580
01:11:15,208 --> 01:11:17,791
[Adam] Yeah, yeah! Yeah, yeah! Let's go!
1581
01:11:17,791 --> 01:11:19,875
[cheering and clapping]
1582
01:11:25,208 --> 01:11:27,208
[indistinct chattering]
1583
01:11:28,541 --> 01:11:30,666
- Yeah.
- [man] Rock and roll, brother.
1584
01:11:30,666 --> 01:11:33,208
[Adam] That was good shit.
Good shit. Good shit.
1585
01:11:33,208 --> 01:11:35,416
Thank you so much. It was alright. Huh?
1586
01:11:35,416 --> 01:11:37,625
We had fun. I love you. Okay!
1587
01:11:37,625 --> 01:11:40,125
You're good? Get in there.
Thank you, Digby.
1588
01:11:41,041 --> 01:11:43,708
Thank you.
Hey, they fixed the fucking windshield.
1589
01:11:44,208 --> 01:11:45,916
Alright. Thank you.
1590
01:11:46,833 --> 01:11:47,791
Bye, guys.
1591
01:11:49,333 --> 01:11:51,625
Okay, we're getting in. Oh God, yes.
1592
01:11:52,750 --> 01:11:54,625
- Alright, baby.
- [Jackie] Okay.
1593
01:11:54,625 --> 01:11:56,416
- [Adam] Let's go.
- [Digby] Alright
1594
01:11:56,416 --> 01:11:58,833
- [Adam] Later, Digby.
- [Jackie] Thanks, Digby.
1595
01:11:58,833 --> 01:12:01,166
["Lotta Love" by Nicolette Larson plays]
1596
01:12:01,166 --> 01:12:05,166
♪ So if you look in my direction ♪
1597
01:12:05,791 --> 01:12:09,416
♪ And we don't see eye-to-eye ♪
1598
01:12:10,541 --> 01:12:13,416
♪ My heart needs protection ♪
1599
01:12:13,416 --> 01:12:18,500
♪ And so do I ♪
1600
01:12:18,500 --> 01:12:20,583
[string solo playing]
1601
01:12:26,208 --> 01:12:30,250
♪ It's gonna take a lotta love ♪
1602
01:12:30,250 --> 01:12:33,291
♪ To get us through the night ♪
1603
01:12:34,583 --> 01:12:38,708
♪ It's gonna take a lotta love ♪
1604
01:12:38,708 --> 01:12:42,416
♪ To make this work out right ♪
1605
01:12:43,791 --> 01:12:47,875
♪ So if you are out there waiting ♪
1606
01:12:48,375 --> 01:12:51,791
♪ I hope you show up soon ♪
1607
01:12:52,583 --> 01:12:55,375
♪ You know I need relating ♪
1608
01:12:55,375 --> 01:13:00,833
♪ Not solitude ♪
1609
01:13:01,750 --> 01:13:03,750
[woodwind solo playing]
1610
01:13:18,583 --> 01:13:21,666
♪ Got a lotta love ♪
1611
01:13:22,750 --> 01:13:29,708
♪ Got a lotta love ♪
1612
01:13:29,708 --> 01:13:32,541
[horn solo playing]
1613
01:13:46,166 --> 01:13:49,041
♪ It's gonna take a lotta love ♪
1614
01:13:50,250 --> 01:13:53,416
♪ To change the way things are ♪
1615
01:13:54,416 --> 01:13:57,583
♪ It's gonna take a lotta love ♪
1616
01:13:58,625 --> 01:14:02,166
♪ Or we won't get too far ♪
1617
01:14:02,875 --> 01:14:07,916
♪ It's gonna take a lotta love ♪
1618
01:14:07,916 --> 01:14:10,000
[song fades out]