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♪ We Wish You A Merry Christmas ♪
♪ We wish you a Merry Christmas
♪ And a Happy New Year
♪ Good tidings we bring
♪ To you and your kin
♪ We wish you a Merry Christmas
♪ And a Happy New Year
♪ Now bring us a figgy pudding
♪ Now bring us- ♪
(GROANS)
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
They're still up. His lights. He's just forgotten they're there.
Oh, and just remembers - to turn them on every night? - Timer.
Ah! No. That's what I thought, but different times every night.
This evening, 6:59. Before that 6:57. Before that 6:42.
Before that 6.53, 6:42, 6:53, 6:47, 6:59-
I like them. I'm telling you...
he's got it in for me, Laura.
First it was the whole the thing, - wasn't it, about the car. - Neil...
For the last time, the car thing...
could've been anyone. The entire street would like to see
the back of that heap. Eight years it sat there,
not a dicky bird, but the second that he moved in...
Why would he, of all people,
complain to the council about an "eyesore"?
Because no one would suspect him.
WOMAN: (OVER VIDEO CALL) - Chicken soup. - Argh.
Err, custard. Ey.
Beans with sausage. Oh, perfect.
Just what I'm after. Thanks, Hol.
Dad... You are looking after yourself? Yeah?
"Looking after myself"? There's sausage in these beans.
I'm living like a king! Hm... OK.
(RHYTHMIC KNOCK AT DOOR)
I'd know that knock anywhere.
It's him. Dad. No, wait just promise me-
I'll be on my best behaviour. Anyway, got to go.
Love you Holly. See you later. Dad, wait!
- Bye-bye. - Bye. - Mwah. - Bye.
Hello? Hello Scott.
Um... It's me. Me?
Neil. "Neil"?
Across the road. Oh yeah, Neil. Got ya.
What can I do for you?
It's about the lights.
Lights? The Christmas lights. On your roof.
Oh, they still up are they? You may remember from...
our conversation on January 2nd, and my follow up text
of February 5th, and the 12th, that they shine brightly
into my top window, so I'd really appreciate it, if you don't mind-
Yep, say no more Neil.
I will have them taken down first thing in the morning.
You have my word.
♪ ..Good tidings we bring
♪ To you and your kin
(DISTORTED, SLOWS) ♪ We wish you a Merry Christmas... ♪
Git!
(JOLLY MUSIC)
♪ When the snowman brings the snow
♪ He might just like to know
♪ He put a great big smile on somebody's face
♪ When you jump into your bed
♪ Pull the covers right over your head
♪ But don't you lock the doors
♪ You know Santa Claus is on his way-ay-ay
♪ I wish it could be Christmas every day
♪ When the kids start singing and the band begins to play
♪ Oh, yes, I wish it could be Christmas every day
♪ Let the bells ring out for Christmas
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
♪ When we're skating in the park
♪ And the storm cloud paints it dark
♪ Well, your rosy cheeks are gonna light my merry way
♪ Oh, now
♪ When the frosticles appear
♪ And they've frozen my beard
♪ So we'll sit by the fire and let the heat melt 'em away... ♪
You were supposed to be getting - her flute! - Thirteen minutes.
He hasn't even invited her in. Do you hear me?
She's 74 with a fake knee. Get the poor woman a chair.
Look at her under his spell, he's not even listening.
You'd think she'd see through him, but no she's baked him a carrot cake.
How do you know it's carrot?
(POP MUSIC PLAYING THROUGH HEADPHONES)
Well... that's normal.
Can you get to school, please?
Get a life, please? Don't backchat me.
And don't cut through the park!
Neil. Look at me. Look at me. I know you've had a difficult time
the last few months. Why'd you keep saying that? I'm fine.
You're not fine. You're distracted, you're short tempered.
You've barely noticed your daughter. I noticed the attitude.
Well, what do you expect. Look...
What Graham did was wrong. You were best friends...
We weren't friends, we were business partners.
Look whatever. The whole Parnes Alarms thing
has clearly affected you. All you do is work, sleep, and this.
It's not healthy. Right, two things.
Firstly, bit of hard work never killed anybody.
Your Uncle Fred had a pre-existing heart condition.
And secondly, I don't need a best friend because I'm not nine,
and this is completely unrelated.
This is about him messing with the wrong "hombre".
Morning April! Morning Scott. Morning, Euan!
Cake was delicious, by the way. OK fine. Fine.
If you think you're fine, fine.
But if everybody else thinks he a nice normal guy,
easy to get on with, and it's only you who think he's some sort of
mad, evil psychopath, what does that tell you?
That he's winning.
Oh! (GROANS)
(CURIOUS MUSIC)
That's my bin.
(GASPS)
Who's there?
(GRUFFLY) Postman! I thought you were out, so I was just lea...
Parnes Alarms? Neil?
Hello, you two.
(GRUFFLY) Alright mate, I was just delivering these.
(NORMAL VOICE) Oh, I can take those.
(GRUFFLY) 'Ere.
(NORMAL VOICE) Cheers. OK, Merry Christmas.
(GRUFFLY) Right.
And to you, both.
Postie gone has he? Yep, /yeah he's gone.
So what brings you over here, - this time? - In a word...
..."bins".
It looks like our green bins have got mixed up.
Again. Does it matter?
Well, yeah. One of them has got a crack in it.
And it's got, like, sentimental value has it?
No, yours has got a crack in it.
So I'll... I will just...
swap these bins over, again.
And hopefully, that will be the end of it.
Well, fingers crossed.
You can't trust them you know, Parnes Alarms.
I used to work with him. Graham.
Yeah. Out for himself. He's a bad egg.
Oh, he seems alright to me. I do his accounts.
Well, I hope you're both very happy.
We are.
So, what's he sent you then? Mr Parnes?
Oh, you know. Just some... lights.
Lights? Security lights.
April was concerned about my home security so I thought,
a few more lights couldn't hurt. Oh, come off it.
What have you got against me? Eh?
The flashing lights, swapping the bins,
and I know it was you that complained to the council about my Sierra.
Those complaints are anonymous.
How d'ya know if you didn't complain?
Common knowledge. Argh...
You wheedle your way in here, don't you? Eh?
Convincing everyone round here you're all sweetness and light.
People baking you cakes, laughing at your little jokes.
Years I've lived here without an issue,
but the second you move in...
Oh. You need to open your eyes more.
- Excuse me? - You know what they call you round here?
What? Petty.
Nonsense. Yeah. Tom Petty they call you.
Rubbish. Petty Davis.
- That's not true. - Jean-Paul Petty. You're making these up.
The Petty'sburg address. They don't say that.
Alpha-petty-spaghetti. That doesn't make sense.
- Dainty little petty coat. - I'm very well respected. Very popular.
Ah well, where's your cake then? Well, it's not in the bin.
Oh, I haven't got time for this.
Neighbourhood watch tonight. You mean nosey parkers.
It's like Parnes Alarms, no substitute for the real thing.
Well, tonight's the big night.
April's standing down as coordinator.
It's the vote to find a replacement.
And, you know, I'm thinking of standing, given my popularity.
Oh, come off it. You wouldn't stand a chance.
Wouldn't I? No, you wouldn't.
Wouldn't I? No, you wouldn't!
Wouldn't I?
(CURIOUS MUSIC)
Euan.
Bin's again. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
(SNIFFLING)
Alright? Fine!
Good stuff.
(DOOR OPENS) (PHONE CHIMES)
(DOOR CLOSES) (OMINOUS MUSIC)
Ah, well, good for business.
There you go darling.
Have you heard this? What?
It's nothing. Just leave it.
She's been mugged. Mum...
You just said you were fine. I am fine!
Ashleigh Brennan stole her ear buds. The ones I bought her?
I had those engraved. Doesn't matter. I don't even care.
When was this? Just now in the park.
Oh, I told you not to cut through the park!
That's it? That's your response.
It's fine, and I'm fine, so can we just leave it?
(HURRIED FOOTSTEPS) (SCOFFS) Well?
(DISTANT DOOR SLAMS) What do you want me to do?
I don't know. Call the police or something.
You don't call the police on the Brennans.
They're not the kind of people you want to upset.
What about Chloe? Upsetting her?
Go and apologise to her. Go and find her, make sure she's OK.
Be her Dad.
(LAUGHTER) (UPBEAT MUSIC)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
I'm just gonna, erm...
I'm... I'm just...
(TENSE MUSIC)
(DOOR BUZZES)
WOMAN: Ashleigh.
Big Barry.
Little Barry. Eek!
You know, cos... three years, Mum. (CHUCKLES)
Ah...
Right Brennans, let's get to work.
I told you to ditch the balloon. (INDISTINCT ARGUING)
Just get in!
Oh. Lovely to see you Scott.
And the tea is in your left hand.
Oh. In the cup-shaped thing. I've got you. Thank you. (CHUCKLES)
Just this way Scott.
Scott. Hi.
Oh, hey, Sabrina. How are you doing? Hi. Yeah, I'm good thanks.
New shirt? Oh, yeah. Pressie from my daughter.
Oh, lovely... Yeah.
Matches your eyes. Yeah.
What, you mean it doesn't work?
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Sorry.
No, that's alright. Um...
There's a seat next to me if you want to...
Oh, um... No, I'm with these guys here, you know, I'd better...
Oh, yeah. - Yeah. - Oh, OK.
APRIL: Everyone, settle down. Yeah. See you later.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Right, then, thank you everybody.
Well. There's no avoiding the elephant in the room.
As everyone knows, I'm stepping down as community coordinator.
(GROUP AWs) It's been very fulfilling...
but, without John to share the load...
...it's time to pass on the torch.
(GROUP AWs)
Which brings me to the small matter of my successor,
and we have a wealth of talent on the shortlist.
There's Bill and Janet. (APPLAUSE)
The two Sues. (APPLAUSE)
And, of course, our current bursar, Evelyn.
(APPLAUSE)
So, unless anybody else is thinking of standing...
...the vote will be a simple show of hands.
(GROUP GASPS) Neil?
This is an unexpected...
Unexpected.
Well, you know, I knew it was your big day, April.
I wanted to see you go.
I mean, mark the occasion.
Out with the old... not that you're old!
I mean "old guard", a lynchpin, a big beast.
Not that you're big, you know, you've lost a lot of um...
How's John? He's dead. I'll sit down.
(MURMURING)
Yes, um... Where were we?
Ah, voting!
So, I will list each candidate in turn and ask for a show of hands.
Oh, Scott. Have you, uh...?
Um, yes April. Um, I've been thinking...
...just about how incredibly welcoming
this community has been to me.
How kind and accepting and, well...
...just about the help and support that you've all given to me
when I've really needed it. And... (GROUP AWs)
...if I could give something back to all the people
that have given so much to me.
And if the role of coordinator might allow me to do that,
and if you were to put your trust in me...
...then it's a mantel I'd be honoured to take on.
(GROUP AWs)
Well, thank you Scott.
I will certainly add your name to the list.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
I vote for Scott.
Mm, I'm out. And so's Sue.
Oh. Bill, Janet?
No. No. - No. - Right...
So, as there are no other hats in the ring...
Wait!
(GROUP GASPS)
- Neil? - I would like to put myself into April's ring.
My hat into the ring.
As a professional in home security...
Causes for Alarms, I could not be better suited,
or indeed, better qualified, for the role.
And I would be honoured to share
that experience, and expertise...
(MURMURING)
And...
a generous affiliate discount of 20%
off all home security products for committee members.
(MURMURING)
30%? WOMAN: Forty!
40%! Oh, I vote for discount man.
Yeah. Right...
Well, we appear to have a two horse race.
So, let's put it to the vote, shall we?
Show of hands for Scott...
And for Neil?
What are the chances?
It would seem that we have...
...a tie. (MURMURING)
Seriously? I mean, do I have to point out the obvious here?
It's supposed to be Neighbourhood "Watch".
(GROUP GASPS)
I'm mean surely there must be rules for this sort of thing.
Who has the casting vote?
(MAGICAL TWINKLING)
You have got to be kidding me.
What's happening? I think John's voting.
I thought John was dead. He is.
OK, OK. So, I think he would want
the role of community coordinator to go to...
both of you.
Jointly. (APPLAUSE)
No, no, no, no, no.
Bye Scott. Bye-bye, take care.
(LAUGHS) Merry Christmas.
OK, what are you playing at?! So, you're not as popular
as you thought are, eh? You don't even want the job!
The people have spoken and you lost!!
It was a draw!
Only on paper maybe. But I'm the only one with the skillset.
So, why don't you take your little badge, go back to your little house-
They're all the same size. And let me do what I've done
my whole adult life.
What, act like a child? Home security.
Causes for Alarms. We are very popular.
Shouldn't it be "Cause" for Alarms?!
It works.
Oh, and number one rule, hm?
This year... TAKE YOUR LIGHTS DOWN!
OK, I'll take my lights down.
Oh, look at that.
Yeah. Quality plastic that, and all our alarms are hardwired,
so you won't have to change the batteries.
And, seeing as it's Christmas, Evelyn,
I'm gonna throw in a free mug.
Ha, catch? Only joking.
Bone china. Well, made in China.
And all with- Yes, all with 40% off.
I'm a man...
What the hell?!
WOMAN: Careful, Scott! (GASPS)
Sign that. Oh!
MAN: Come down Scott, you'll fall! (ALL GASP)
I'm fine. Nothing to see here.
I'm OK. Honest.
Ooh!
(WHIMPERING)
ALL: Woah! (SHRIEK)
Scott! Please, don't move!
Honestly. I'm... fine!
(ALL SCREAM)
(YELLING)
Still fine. SABRINA: If you want more
decorations up, we can do that. You're gonna get yourself killed!
I'm not putting them up, I am taking them down!
What? Why?
Neil told me to take my lights down.
What?! Did you, Neil?
No.
Well, yes, but, you know, I didn't me...
I didn't mean now, obviously not now, it's Christmas!
SUE 1: Right. Step aside. SUE 2: Coming through!
You've got the wrong end of the... You know. Keep the lights!
More lights I say!!
We'll have you down in no time cockleshell.
Thanks Sues. Right, come on.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
That's it. Careful, yep, that's it.
(CROWD GASPS)
(PANICKED CHATTER)
I've got your right ankle.
♪ We Wish You a Merry Christmas ♪
If it's lights you want, I'll give you lights.
I'll show them who's Mr Christmas.
You wait to see what I can do.
Mum. Is dad having a breakdown?
LAURA: Yeah, looks like it.
(SIREN WAILING) Roll up, guys. Come on down!
(SIREN WAILING)
Roll up. Roll up for the great Staplethorne Close
Christmas switch-on! Ha-ha!
Sponsored by Causes for Alarms!
(SIREN WAILING) (CROWD EXCLAIMS)
Yeah. Sorry, Evelyn, I probably don't need this. Um...
(MEGAPHONE CLATTERS)
(FEEDBACK SCREECHES) So, I am very aware
of the, um, little...
...confusion earlier today,
regarding my attitude to the community,
or some persons therein,
indeed, the whole of the festive season.
I am delighted to address this matter,
in a way that demonstrates how wholeheartedly affectionate
I feel about this most wonderful time of the year.
(DISTORTED) # You better watch out
♪ You better not cry
♪ You better not pout, I'm telling you why
♪ Santa Claus is coming to town
♪ He's making a list
♪ And checking it twice
♪ Gonna find out who's... ♪ (MUSIC SLOWS, STOPS)
(CROWD GASPS)
(CAR ALARMS WAILING)
(PANICKED CHATTER)
Are they on?
(AIR HISSING)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(ANGRY CHATTER)
We don't know for certain that it was my fault.
Excuse me. Do we know when the power will be back on?
Well, he...
the surge clipped the mains ring for the whole street,
which burnt out part of the sub.
So, we'll be done here by 5:00 ish.
But, with the off-site work, you're looking at a couple of days.
What?! But it's Christmas Eve!
They'll work as fast as they can, but I wouldn't hold my breath.
If I were you I'd make other plans for Christmas.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER) I'm sorry.
Excuse me.
Well, Neil?
Look, we're all in the same boat. My power's off too.
We're just gonna have to stay with a friend or family.
It's just a couple of days.
But who's going to spritz my Epipremnum?
And who's gonna feed Mr Baldwin?
Look, we just... Who? My cat.
Obviously, there-there are going to be things that we need to-
SCOTT: I'll do it.
(MAGICAL TWINKLING)
I'll feed Mr Baldwin and keep Evelyn's whatsit moist.
But there's no power. You'll freeze.
I've got jumpers. And it's not like I need the lights on.
And I had no plans, so it's fine, honest. Besides...
somebody should stay and keep an eye on the place, so to speak.
(LAUGHTER)
And, of course, as co-coordinator of the Neighbourhood Watch,
I do feel duty bound to ensure that our homes
remain safe over the festive period
regardless of who is to blame for our current predicament.
You know, that is, after all,
what any decent co-coordinator should do.
(MURMURING)
And of course, as co...
co-coordinator, I will, um...
gladly match Scott's kind offer
and share those...
responsibilities.
Gladly.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Looks like we're imposing on my mum again.
Yeah. About that.
Turns out I'm going to have to stay, sort of,
here for Christmas. What? Why?
Well, Scott sort of offered.
Oh, Scott, yeah, of course. Should have known.
Not content with ruining Christmas, you're what,
you're now abandoning us as well?
And somehow that's all...
that's all Scott's fault too, yeah?
Well, we could all stay here.
You know, sort of camp out in the house.
Bit of an adventure. Might be fun.
Alright, think of Chloe. I'm sure she'd rather stay here
as a family, than schlep off to Gran- Grandma's please!
(SIGHS)
Maybe it's a good thing.
Few days apart. Some time to think.
What do you need to think about? No...
Not me. You.
For you to think...
about what's more important: your family or your obsession
with the bloke over the road.
(TENSE MUSIC)
So, you want a thin, continuous line and apply firm, but equal-
STACEY: Ashleigh. You can't avoid police attention
AND be an influencer. (DISTANT CLATTERING)
Aye, aye! There it is, there it is.
I've got about four... four quid.
I told ya. They all use the app.
Seriously, Does no one in this family know how to steal anymore?
Uh, I nicked these off some girl in the park.
Take 'em down pawn shop?
They're engraved, genius.
Oh.
Chlo-Chlo-Pops.
TV REPORTER: ..that left the entire street without electricity.
I was in the middle of making tea, and suddenly everything went black.
It was absolutely astounding.
Everything went out. The whole electricity,
the power, everything. Gone.
Barry. BOTH: Yeah?
Not you junior, Big Barry. Oh.
Come here. Have you seen this?
What is it, Stace? Everything was lovely and suddenly,
poof, bang, everything black.
No electricity, nothing.
No lights. Why do we care about that old bag?
Oi. Show some respect...
It's not about the old bag, it's what she's saying.
...the entire street has had to up-sticks and make other plans.
The entire street is shipping out for Christmas. Which means...
an entire road of empty houses.
Oh... No.
I dunno, love.
You've only just got out.
If you do this and you get pinched for it,
they're gonna throw the book at you.
Yeah. But no-one's getting pinched.
Power's out, you see.
So it's not just "no witnesses", it's no lights, no alarms...
...and no security cameras.
(MENACING MUSIC) It's a Christmas miracle.
(LAUGHS) BOTH: Sound.
(DOWNBEAT MUSIC)
SUE 1: Thanks for nothing!
(DISTANT LAUGHTER)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
So, wet in the morning, dry at night.
- Huh? - Oh sorry, um, pouch in the morning, dry food at night.
Oh yeah, got ya. Understood, no problem.
Scotty boy's on it.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY, SIGHS)
Are you sure you're gonna be OK?
Oh, we'll be fine, won't we mate? (CAT PURRING)
This is him, yeah? Yeah, that's him.
Only, um...
I could always... stay?
You know, if you needed some company or, um...
I could just cook or. No, no, no, no, no, it's fine.
OK.I've got to water the cat and feed the plants. You know...
Yeah
You just, um...
Have a nice Christmas. Oh, oh, you too.
We will be OK, won't we Laura?
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
(EAGLE SQUAWKS)
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC RESUMES)
(WIND WHISTLES) (GUNSHOT)
♪ Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer ♪
(WHISTLING TO TUNE OF "Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer)
Ah! Ah... Ooh!
Ah!
(OBJECTS CLATTERING)
Extra large, double pepperoni, thin crust, with some mushrooms.
Have you got some ice? You know, not on the pizza.
Ha-ha.
(EXHALES)
Woah!
(LAUGHS)
(SIGHS)
(GLASS SHATTERS)
(SLURPS, CHUCKLES)
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
Pizza.
Merry Christmas. Yeah, same to you.
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
'Twas the night before Christmas
and I've got a feeling that no one was home...
So, let's do some stealing!
(LAUGHS) Yes! (MIMICS EXPLOSION)
♪ ..every fairytale comes real
♪ I've looked at love that way
♪ But now it's just another show- ♪
(COMPUTER CHIMES)
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC) BIG BARRY: Ha-ha!
Right, Brennans.
We split up and do a sweep.
Check for any stragglers.
We've got too many houses and not enough time,
so look for easy ways in: old locks, open windows-
Signs that say "burglars stop here".
(LAUGHS) Alright, keep the noise down.
(RADIO BLEEPS) Comms on channel 7. Any questions?
Do we get a break?
Yeah.
You had three years off, ending last Thursday.
(CAT PURRING)
(CAT YOWLS)
Filthy things.
Chicka-boom!
(CAT PURRING)
See, no power.
No evidence. No prison.
Not this time. (LAUGHS)
Hello, woo-hoo!
(LAUGHS)
(BLOWS RASPBERRY)
(WHISTLING)
Ooh, hello. What've we got here?
(GASPS)
(PANTING)
(EXHALES, CHUCKLES)
Nearly. (CHUCKLES) Right.
Eenie-meenie-mini-mo, catch an elf by the...
Ooh!
That is a big telly. (CHUCKLES)
I'll be coming back for you, my precious.
(SOMBRE MUSIC)
Oh, here we go.
(AS LAURA) "Share your pizza with him".
No.
OK, fine!
(TENSE MUSIC)
(RADIO CRACKLES) All clear at number 8.
Have you checked the back? No. Doing it now.
Ugh, typical.
♪ Carol of the Bells ♪
Hiya, I've got a pizza. No.
Hiya, I've got too much pizza. Ugh.
Hi, I was going to put this pizza in the bin. Don't mention the bins!
(BARRY GRUNTS)
(GROANS)
(SNIFFLES)
PODCAST HOST: Welcome to this week's edition of We Don't Like Cricket,
and we're discussing the series that's just taken place
between England and New Zealand.
We're going to chewing the cud all about this. My name is Ivan,
joined as always by the one and only...
PODCAST HOST 2: In many ways scoring 99 is better than scoring 100.
Loads of people score hundreds, not many people get out on 99.
Nobody tracks them.
Hey, Stace. This side doors got a lock that
looks like I could have fitted it. I think we've got a winner.
Look, we're both grown-ups, it's Christmas...
...you probably like pepperoni...
so why don't we, you know... Why don't we just...
Nope. Can't do it.
Parnes Alarms. Get your mate Graham to buy you a pizza.
Stick it on his invoice.
England and New Zealand - really put on a show. - Mm-hm.
Absolutely, both teams showcased...
(ASHLEIGH GRUNTS) I like this house.
Great, Barry. Let's try and get in it.
Give me some... Put your weight on here, mate.
Three, two, one, go...
England are really missing Jimmy Anderson.
(GRUNTS) STACEY: (OVER RADIO) Hold up...
Open window at number 4. Get over here.
What? Number 4.
Number 4, OK. (RADIO SCREECHES)
PODCAST HOST 2: England'll continue to miss Jimmy Anderson until the heat death of the universe.
Alright, kid? (RADIO CRACKLES)
Sound. - Sound. - Keep quiet.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
You'd know if you could count.
Uh, he can roller-skate and you can't...
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
Won't budge. Must be on the night latch.
(CHUCKLES) Aye!
There's a knack to these. Hold that.
Today. Thank you.
Right. All it is, is...
Just need...
Just a little...
And then, you're...
(GASPS)
...in.
Ah, well. Thank God we had an expert.
(PHONE PINGS) Call. Tom. Petty.
AUTOMATED VOICE: Calling Tom Petty. Shh!
(LINE DIALLING) (PANTING)
(PHONE PLAYING "Halloween Theme")
Pick up. Pick up... Oh, pick up!
(PHONE CONTINUES PLAYING "Halloween Theme")
(PHONE BLEEPS) Pick up, pick up, pick up...
You useless git!
Seriously? Has it come to this? Neil!
No, no, no. Listen, listen. (LINE CUTS OFF)
Hello?
Oh! No, no, no, no, no, no, no
Oh, very mature. (PHONE BLEEPS)
You see this is why you don't get any pizza!
(WHIMPERS)
(CAT PURRING)
(DOOR CREAKING)
(PANTING)
(BANG AT DOOR)
(PANTING)
Well, this is new. Oh... (PANTING)
There's somebody next door. At Bill and Janet's house.
Somebody's broken in!
No they haven't. They have! I heard them.
Heard what? Smashing glass!
It'll be a fox in the greenhouse. No, no, no.
There was a radio I think, like a... (MIMICS RADIO SQUEALING)
Like a... Like a squeal. It'll be a fox.
I-It wasn't a fox!
Come on, we should at least check it out.
We're the Neighbourhood Watch.
Fine! I'll take a look.
Woah, woah, woah, wait for me.
Here we go.
What are you doing? I'm knocking.
Why? Because you think someone's in there.
And if I'm right, it's armed robbers!
What if they answer?
- Well, I don't know! - I thought you were a security expert.
I sell alarms, I don't personally take down criminals.
What you've done there is confuse me with a SWAT team.
Fat lot of good you are.
Well, what would you suggest?
Shh.
BIG BARRY: That's an answerphone.
(GASPS) Not an answerphone, it's...
Oh...
When you used to... LITTLE BARRY: Answer-what?
Have you got cake in your ears? Come on!
We need to call the police.
Ow! Watch the bins!
You wouldn't want to crack it! Not now...
Kill the torch.
I thought you said you'd checked number 8, you lazy git!
I did!
Yeah. What with, your eyes shut? There's someone home.
I'll sort it...
Ooh. Don't tell your mum. Don't tell Mum.
(SNORING) (FESTIVE MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKER)
(TAPE RIPS)
Look, I know Christmas is a bit different this year, and I'm sorry.
It's fine.
(SOMBRE MUSIC)
I just think your dad's just having a bit of a wobble.
You know, it's ben a tricky time this year, with the whole
Cause for Alarms business... It's "Causes"...
And I think he just needs some time...
But look, what I do know is that whatever happens,
however this plays out...
...it's gonna be OK. Alright?
Promise. Yeah.
I think the best thing that you and I can do for Dad right now,
is to give him some space.
Some quiet time, to get his head together.
Burglars! At least two! Maybe more!
Definitely not foxes!
Not foxes! How long will you be?
OK, just please, hurry! (HANGS UP PHONE)
Wish it was foxes... The police are on their way.
They just said stay in the house. keep out of sight.
No one will even know we're in here. (KNOCKING AT DOOR)
LITTLE BARRY: I know you're in there.(BOTH GASP)
(PLAYFUL MUSIC)
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY) (PHONE BLEEPS)
Oi, are you letting me in, or are we gonna play a game?
Oh, no... (GASPS)
Woah!
Little Barry Brennan!
- Who? - The Brennans. "The Devils of Davenport"?
Don't you read the papers? Oh no, I mean, not so much.
Local crime family. Hard as nails.
And that out there is the big one.
What? "Little Barry" is the big one?
Yes. Son of Big Barry. How big's Big Barry?
Oh, he's tiny. It's very confusing. But they're psychopaths,
- the lot of them! - You know, for a home security expert,
you are not massively reassuring. Come on, you don't wanna wind me up.
Last warning!
Security! It's an X-50!
What is? The front door.
I fitted an X-50, top of the range!
That is a double-skinned, reinforced, tri-bar, steel trough rim lock door,
with a 12-point dog latch and a five-lever mortice.
A whole army couldn't get through that thing!
(DOOR BANGS) Did you leave it on the latch?
I think you know the answer to that.
I know you're here!
To the safe room. Oh, you beauty.
(PLAYFUL MUSIC)
Mind the stairs! (THUD)
Wait! My phone!
Leave it!
Quick! Lock it! It doesn't lock.
I thought this was the "safe room"?
No, it's the room that we keep the safe in.
(SIGHS) You have got to be kidding me.
Are you sure you're in - home security? - Are you sure you know
what home security means? - Hello? - Shh, shh, shh.
(PHONE CHIMES)
(CHUCKLES)
(PHONE WHOOSHES)
(PHONE CRACKS)
(PHONE BUZZES, CHIMES)
(TENSE MUSIC)
Little pig...
Let me come in.
He's on the stairs.
Stop hiding, little pig.
Where the hell are the cops?
The average police response time is 16.4 minutes.
It's a good stat for sales.
It's not a good stat for us!
What have you got - that could be a weapon? - Nothing.
It's a spare room. Just caps, alarms, a big box of mugs.
Little pig, little pig...
Hang on... "Little pig".
What? Not "little pigs", "little pig".
Singular. So?
He thinks there's only one of us.
Come on little pig... Don't make me blow it down.
OK! OK, I give up.
Just open the door. It's not locked.
Just take what you want. I don't want any trouble.
Sorry mate, you've seen my face now.
No. No, I haven't.
I can't see anything, I'm blind. Yeah, right.
What do I look like, some sort of-
(MUGS SHATTER)
"Mug"? Did you get him?
Yup! - Yes! - Come on!
♪ Run Rudolph Run ♪
Mind the stairs! Oh!
♪ Run, run, Rudolph
♪ Santa ain't too far behind...
We need to leg it. Grab hold.
(BOTH WHIMPERING)
What's happening? Oh, more Brennans.
Change of plan. We need to hide.
In the Sierra!
Woo! Get in!
Owwww!
♪ Said Santa to a boy, "Child, what have you been longing for?"
♪ "All I want for Christmas is a rock and roll electric guitar"
♪ And then away went Rudolph...
(DISTANT SIREN WAILING)
Oh... What's that noise?
I don't know.
Oh God, I'm going to die in a Sierra.
(SIREN WAILING)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
Oh, thank God. Woah, woah, woah!
Let's actually wait until they've arrested the big angry man
who wants to kill us, yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It really must be Christmas.
They've only gone and sent the PCSOs.
"Hobby Bobbies". "Hobby Bobbies"?
I'll call for back up.
Merry Christmas, officers.
Evening sir. We received a report of a disturbance at this address.
Someone heard something being smashed.
Did they? Smashed, you say.
Um, well, no, no.
It's probably nothing sir, but perhaps we could just pop in
and check your windows? Make sure you're safe.
Ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah, no, no...
because... (OBJECTS CLATTERING)
Oh!
Good evening, officers.
That's my lady wife.
Bit of a collision.
No lights, you see.
Are you alright to be here on your own?
- Absolutely. - Yep. What with no lights, no heating?
Yeah, no, well, what it is actually is we're not actually staying here
because our daughter is on her way.
From Frome.
Yes. So, we're going to stay with them until the 27th or 28th.
In Frome. Or the 29th.
Then we shall be coming home.
BOTH: From Frome.
Well, if you're sure you're OK?
Yes, fine. Very happy.
Fine, thank you. Very... Yes.
Merry Christmas! Ta-ta.
I'll tell you what... Huh?
The Sarge knocks off at 6:00, lives on Rowan Avenue.
I'll ask him to swing by on his way home, check everything's OK.
Oh, no. That's fine. There's no need.
He might be a bit tipsy, but he won't mind at all.
Merry Christmas, take care. Merry Christmas!
BOTH: Merry Christmas!
The... The police are leaving!
What? Well, stop them then!
Ah! It won't unlock!
Oh... This is a terrible car!
Hang on! Wait! Wait!
Here. Try mine! It's central locking! It won't...
You've got your hand on the... Ow!
(DOORS UNLOCK)
(GASPS)
He's back! Who is? Big Barry?
No, Little Barry: the big one.
We need to get out of here.
I say we make a run for it. With the whackjob Waltons out there?
No, thank you. Well, what shall we do then?
I don't know.
(GASPS)
I don't suppose this rust bucket has got airbags and an alarm, does it?
It's got all the extras. It's a top of the range rust bucket.
I've got an idea...
(SNEAKY MUSIC)
(ALARM BLARING)
BIG BARRY: (OVER RADIO) Whatever - that is, shut it up! - I'll sort it.
Gotcha.
♪ We're walking in the air
♪ We're floating in the moonlit sky... ♪
Snow escape, bozo!
(GRUNTING)
Is he secure?
Yes!
Quick, in the shed. (MUFFLED YELLING)
I'm just saying that if we leave a couple of houses, that would-
...defeat the object. We go big or go home...
And we're not going home. Ash, bring the van round.
But we've got the dibble at 6:00.
I don't think we've got enough time.
Then we split up.
What, over this? (DRAMATIC MUSIC)
I don't want to. I love you, Stace.
No. I mean I'll take this end with Fanny-Anne,
and you boys take number five.
Oh, right. Ooh, the big telly!
Yeah, I'll get the big telly. On your own?
It's the same size as you. (RADIO CRACKLES)
Junior, can you get backside over to number five please?
Your dad's about to wreck a very nice television.
We're here, in you go. (LAUGHS GLEEFULLY)
Ah, yes! Watch your head.
What now? Yeah, well, I was just thinking that.
Right, my plan would be... to wait here...
Right? Until it gets light.
That's it? That's your plan? They're out there ransacking
our entire street and you just want to hide in here?
We need to do something. We are the Neighbourhood Watch.
Exactly. Neighbourhood "Watch". It's not Neighbourhood "Do", is it?
And even if it was, we've done plenty.
We phoned the police, for all the good they were, and we have
gaffer-taped a thug to a Sierra. I think we've done
more than our fair share, and now its time
for a little self preservation, thank you very much.
But our neighbours- Are insured! And will completely
understand our desire to remain alive.
(SIGHS) Fine.
OK. If you can live with that.
Yeah. I can.
Ooh, I can see the headlines now:
"Security expert hides in shed while own street ransacked". Ha, yeah.
That wouldn't be a headline. It's too long.
"Alarm Coward's Shed Shame".
(CHUCKLES) Yeah, that's better.
Ooh, he'd probably frame it, you know...
In his shop.
Graham.
We need a plan.
(EXCITING MUSIC)
BIG BARRY: Come on. Come to Daddy.
Resistance is futile.
(DOOR CLOSES)
Oh, finally!
Come give us a hand son. Or maybe you could give us a hand?
In fact, make it both of them.
Who the hell are you?
BOTH: Neighbourhood Watch.
Blimey. You lot got serious.
Cuff him, Rocco. Um, yeah.
Do you think it would be better if maybe you...
Actually, yeah.
I'll cuff him. You cover him.
Keep still sunshine.
This doesn't need to hurt. (GRUNTS)
(YELPS) (GRUNTING)
(BOTH GROANING)
Grab him! Get him off me! Gah!
Grab him!
(HEROIC MUSIC)
(YELLS)
I've got him! I've got him!
No, I've got him! No! He's got me. I've got him!
LAURA: There's nothing there. Well, she's deleted it now,
but you could see Dad's Sierra
Well, there are other Sierra's in the world.
Not in that condition. And he's used the wrong "your".
He's put "your" instead of "you are".
Chloe, he says he's fine. The last thing we need is another
delusional neurotic in the family. Just... stop fretting.
Ah, forget it. Chloe...
(TENSE MUSIC)
STACEY: Looks like we've got ourselves some witnesses
I've seen nothing. I'd make a terrible witness me, awful.
I don't know who any of you are. Seriously?
You're cosying up to the Brennans. Well, he knows who we are now.
Oh, brilliant. Another masterclass from the so called expert.
Expert at what?
Evidently nothing. (BOTH GROAN)
Cause for Alarms?
(WEAKLY) Causes.
You didn't tell me these were branded!
Shut up, Graham!
Eh? Graham?
One of your cameras...
put me behind bars for three years, Neil.
I can only apologise for the excellent resolution.
No apology necessary.
It makes all this a lot easier.
So, shall we get started?
We've only got a few hours, they're going nowhere.
You're right. Let's finish the job, then we'll finish them.
I'll be back.
Right, I'll take this telly. (STRAINING) Come here love.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, quality, that.
Friend of yours? Not really.
Shame... You'll be seeing him soon.
(LIGHT FESTIVE MUSIC)
We could be in a nice warm shed now.
Sitting pretty.
But oh, no, you had to act the big hero.
Me?! None of this would have happened if you hadn't tried
to blow up the whole street. Well, I had to try something
after you'd turned the whole neighbourhood against me.
Oh, I think you did that all on your own, mate.
Don't you "mate" me!
Everything was fine until you moved in with your weird little vendetta.
No one gave a damn about my Sierra until you started stirring things up.
I mean, why? You can't even see it! Why does it matter to you
what I put on my own front drive- It wasn't me!
What? It wasn't me...
...who complained about the car.
It was John.
He said he got sick of it sitting there rusting away.
It was him that phoned the council.
Why didn't...
Well, why didn't you say something before?
I thought about it...
...but you've seen it.
How people are with me.
Yeah, they're nice.
Bringing in your shopping, taking you to the pub,
helping with your lights...
It's kind is it?
And why are they so nice?
Is it cos I'm nice?
People just treat you different when you're... different.
Well, not everyone. I mean, Suki always took people
as she found them. Who the hell's Suki?
My wife...
Well, late wife.
(ANGELIC MUSIC)
She was funny, warm.
But straight-talking.
My daughter's the same.
Oh. I- Holly.
She's studying Law at Leeds.
That's why I moved here. Just to be a bit closer.
And don't get me wrong, they're nice around here.
But I could take a dump in their living room,
and they'd be like, "Oh, don't worry about that, that's OK."
they were gonna let me run the Neighbourhood Watch, for God's sake.
You can almost smell the sympathy sometimes... But not you.
You didn't give a toss.
I mean in my defence, I've been going through
quite a bad time over the last few months
No, it's good.
I think I need it, a bit of that, now it's just me.
(SIGHS) So, maybe I let you think the worst of me.
Kept things a bit difficult between us. Like a guarantee.
That I'd always be that git over the road...
and you'd never start talking to me like I'm the poor blind guy
from number 3. Because I'm not, you know.
I am Scott Patrick Dixon, and I nicked your bin.
I bloody knew it!
(ANGELIC MUSIC)
Sorry you lost your wife.
(SIGHS) Yeah, I wouldn't recommend it.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
Right. Push against me.
What's happening? We are getting out of here.
Oh, now you're talking! On 3...
2... BOTH: 1!
(BOTH YELLING)
Right. Now bounce to your right. OK!
What are you doing? Well, your right or my right?
No, no! Not my right. Your left!
Sorry. How far?
Oh, follow me, just... This isn't working!
(BOTH PANTING)
I think we can burn through the cable ties, but...
Do you think you can catch a lighter? I'm a pretty good catch mate.
I play a bit of cricket. But you're...
Yeah, I know. It's a thing.
OK. Here we go then,
Right. - Ready? - Yep...
Now!
Well, did you catch it?
Oh it was very wide...
but, luckily, one of us is a professional!
Oh, you little beaut!
Stay still.
Oh! (BOTH PANTING)
Right. They said a few hours.
Which means we haven't got long. Do you think it's enough time?
Maybe. If we just... you know, work together.
I'm game if you are.
Do you reckon we could get them back to my place?
I've got a few ideas but it would need to be on home turf,
where I know my way around. Back to yours it is. Oh, and...
...while we're being honest, that postman, the other day...
that was me.
How stupid do you think I am?
I know more about what's going on
around me than you will ever realise.
Oh! What are you doing? Eh! Eh!
Get off! Idiot!
(EXCITING MUSIC)
(DRILL WHIRRING)
All we need now is some burglars.
(DRILL WHIRRS)
(SNORING)
(GRUNTING) Shh! Shh!
Shh... Listen, Little Barry.
If we take this out your mouth, do you promise not to scream?
OK.
Mum-m-m-m!
Alright, I owe you a tenner.
Oi, you two. Go find him!
♪ RAY CHARLES: Mess Around ♪
BIG BARRY: There!
Son? (GRUNTING)
Barry?
(YELLS) (SCREAMS)
I'm blind! Join the club.
Where's the walkie? I can't find it! (GRUNTS)
(SCREAMS) This way big man.
Try not to be so clumsy.
Dad down, number three. Come here!
♪ ..They did the boogie-woogie
♪ With a steady roll
♪ They mess around
♪ They doin' the mess around... ♪ Oi! Come 'ere!
(SHRIEKS)
(SCREAMS)
Come here! No!
Stop it. Argh! (STRAINING)
Oh, don't... Here!
No point struggling. I've done rodeo. (SCREAMS)
What are you doing?!
Argh!
No! What are you doing?!
Give me my legs. Give me my legs back!
(LIGHTS PLAYING "Jingle Bells") Dad! Dad!
Huh?! Dad! Dad!
OK.Dad... OK.Pull!
(SHRIEKS)
Dad? Dad...
You! (LAUGHS)
Get me out! (GROANS)
Dad? Come here, you!
Dad? Dad!
(YELLS, THEN GRUNTS)
Argh! What are you doing?! Taking what's mine!
Well, Chloe's.
And stealing something...
No, no, not my phone! Not my phone!
You started this! Put it back!
Put my phone back now!
What's your code? As if I'd tell you!
Fine. I'll use your face! (STRAINING)
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
(GRUNTS)
Go get 'em mum!
Ow!
♪ Carol of the Bells ♪
(GROANS)
I know every floorboard in this room.
Every creak, every crack, every squeak of a nail.
So why don't you come over here, and try and take this wicket...
I dare you.
Ooh! (GROANS)
(LAUGHS)
(BONES CRACK)
(GROWLS)
Ah! (GROANING) Had enough yet?
Ahhh...
(GROANS)
Mm... I'm waiting.
(GROWLS)
(GROANS)
Couple of googlies? (GROANING)
(SHRIEKS, THEN GROANS)
Yes, yes, yes, that's right.
Yeah, it's 3 Staplethorne Close.
It's over!
I'm on the phone to the police right now, so you may as well...
(PHONE BUZZING)
(WHISTLES)
There ain't no one coming to rescue you now, pal.
It's just you and me
Where do you think you're going? Narnia?
(YELLS)
£200 plus VAT.
But you can't put a price on peace of mind.
Oh, and close the door when you're using the bathroom eh?
(GRUNTING)
No!
I've done my time!
(SCREAMS) (GLASS SHATTERS)
(DISTANT THUDDING)
(GROANS) Mum! Mum!
Help me, my legs, my legs!
Scott! Neil! Absolutely smashed it mate.
That was amazing! Is there anything we can't do?!
High five! Yeah!
Help me...
Barry is that you? Give us a hand.
Would you... Everyone just like to stop talking at once, please?
Are you alright? Hm!
No, no, no! (YELLS)
(GROANS)
You stay with her. I'll get the van.
We're getting out of here.
It's the mum. She's getting away!
Oh, no, no, no. Not on our watch. No chance. Come on!
Get in the car! Oh, not again!
Hello. It's us again. (GROANS)
Right, what are we doing? Reversing the car,
blocking the drive, stopping the van. In-In this thing?! Are you mad?
This hasn't moved anywhere in years. It's falling apart.
- Even I can see that! - It'll start. Trust me, it's top of the range.
(ENGINE TURNING OVER)
(STRAINS) Well come on, turn it on then!
(ENGINE TURNING OVER) It'll start!
Oh, I told ya! John's got more life in him than this car.
♪ HOUSE OF PAIN: Jump Around ♪ (GASPS) In your face John!
Ha-ha! Woo-hoo!
(YELLING)
Scott! Grab the wheel! Which way?
I don't know! Busy getting killed here!
Woah!
Put it in first! OK, which way?
Right! You're right or my right?
They're both the same! Oh, yeah!
Reverse! OK, reverse!
Mind the cat!
(CAT YOWLS) Argh!
You told me to steer! Barry's got the wheel!
I've got the wheel. We've all got the wheel!
(MUSIC STOPS)
(TYRES SCREECHING)
(SCREAMING)
Mum-m-m! (SCREAMS)
(HORN HONKING)
(GROANS)
(BOTH YELLING)
(SCREAMS)
(GROANS)
(GRUNTS)
(TENSE MUSIC)
Well, well, well.
(GROANING)
Any last words? Ow...
It's really hard to think of something when you're under pressure.
I'll give you Cause for ruddy Alarm!
(SCREAMING)
It's "Causes".
(ANGELIC MUSIC)
Oh my God!
That was...
What are you... I thought you were in trouble.
(SIGHS) Dad...
I cut through the park.
I don't care!
Chloe, is that you?
Hi, Scott!
I think she just saved my life!
Ha-ha-ha! Have you ever thought of joining the Neighbourhood Watch?
(LITTLE BARRY SCREAMING, MUFFLED)
Oh, stick a sponge in it you.
(INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER)
Stay still. Stay still.
Stay still. You've had a mild concussion.
Yes, sarge. I can confirm it's all four of the Brennan family.
♪ ..All for the little ones' Christmas joys
Stop, stop, please. Stop!
Stop! Stop! (SCREAMS)
Stop it! So it's, uh, Graham?
No, it's Scott. This is... This isn't mine.
We, um... - We don't talk about Graham. - OK.
No way! My dad.
My daughter. No way! No way!
That's my phone! That's... my phone! Come on. Come on!
Stop filming. Stop filming!
Excuse me, I'd like to report a robbery!
Come on.
I know my rights! Do you hear me?
Get in the van. Come on.
♪ ..Down through the chimney with old Saint Nick... ♪
At least we're together for Christmas.
It's Christmas Day, and we are live at Staplethorne Close.
And I'm joined by... Scott.
Chloe. Neil Beesley.
Causes for Alarms.
Shouldn't it be- No, don't.
Christmas is indeed a time for giving...
Chloe! Up you get, we're doing presents.
Now, tell me Scott, would you describe yourself as a hero?
I would say that Chloe is the real hero here, er,
would you say so Neil? Yeah.
But I think that "Christmas Miracle" - pretty much sums it up. - Mum!
And do you have a message for our viewers at home?
Merry Christmas!
Hi, Holly!
Chloe? Mum!
Oh my God! Are you alright?! Yeah, I'm fine.
I'm sorry.
I am. I'm really, really sorry.
You're an idiot. I know.
But I love you.
Ow, what's that? Oh. (CHUCKLES)
I didn't get a chance to wrap it but, uh...
Ta-da! Thank you! Thank you!
Oh! Come on, let's go in.
Why are you dressed like that? Long story.
I'll tell you over pizza.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Hang on a sec.
Scott, you were amazing. Thanks so much.
Thanks Melanie, and Merry Christmas, guys.
Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas to you too.
Indeed. Scott...
Neil.
I was just wondering, I've, uh...
It's not very festive, but I've got a...
...three-quarters of a room temperature
pepperoni pizza... Sounds good to me.
Come on mate, lead the way.
(GENTLE FESTIVE MUSIC)
What a night!
I couldn't have done it without ya.
Well, I couldn't have done it without you!
Ha. Yeah, I know.
Merry Christmas, Scott.
Merry Christmas, Neil.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Ha-ha!
Would you like a mince pie? One of mum's specials.
Oh, lovely. Chloe? Chloe?
Go on. Try some. Join in.
Save one for Holly.
Dad, Sabrina. Did somebody say mistletoe?
Right everyone, look this way. Big photo. Big poses.
In 3... ALL: 2, 1...
Cheers! (ALL EXCLAIM)
(ALL CHEERING)
♪ Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus
♪ Right down Santa Claus Lane
♪ Vixen and Blitzen and all his reindeer
♪ Are pulling on the reins
♪ Bells are ringing, children singing
♪ All is merry and bright
♪ Hang your stockings and say your prayers
♪ Cos Santa Claus comes tonight... ♪
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