1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000
Downloaded from
YTS.MX
2
00:00:04,796 --> 00:00:08,133
(vinyl record popping)
3
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000
Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
4
00:00:08,133 --> 00:00:11,136
("J'ai Du L'Oublier"
by Manou Roblin playing)
5
00:00:17,392 --> 00:00:21,271
(singing in French)
6
00:00:21,271 --> 00:00:23,565
♪
7
00:00:32,240 --> 00:00:34,367
(singing continues)
8
00:00:34,367 --> 00:00:37,871
♪
9
00:00:44,544 --> 00:00:47,547
♪
10
00:00:53,011 --> 00:00:56,848
(crowd cheering)
11
00:00:56,848 --> 00:00:59,893
(singing continues)
12
00:01:06,775 --> 00:01:09,778
(applause, cheering gets louder)
13
00:01:19,871 --> 00:01:21,706
(song ends)
14
00:01:33,259 --> 00:01:34,761
(applause, cheering dies down)
15
00:01:34,761 --> 00:01:37,806
- You may be seated.
- (laughter)
16
00:01:39,140 --> 00:01:40,600
You know,
17
00:01:40,600 --> 00:01:43,395
when some comedians
start off their set,
18
00:01:43,395 --> 00:01:45,271
they will say something like,
19
00:01:45,271 --> 00:01:49,067
"Let me tell you
a little bit about me."
20
00:01:49,067 --> 00:01:51,194
Well, this...
21
00:01:51,194 --> 00:01:53,029
is my version...
22
00:01:53,029 --> 00:01:54,280
of that.
23
00:01:54,656 --> 00:01:57,575
- ("Between the Shadows"
by Chuck Lamb playing)
- (laughter)
24
00:01:59,077 --> 00:02:01,579
(hooting)
25
00:02:01,579 --> 00:02:05,208
(cheering)
26
00:02:05,208 --> 00:02:08,253
- (audience subsides)
- (song continues)
27
00:02:08,253 --> 00:02:11,798
(cool voice)
My mother had me
when she was 42.
28
00:02:11,798 --> 00:02:13,883
(laughter)
29
00:02:13,883 --> 00:02:16,845
Because before that age,
she was...
30
00:02:18,930 --> 00:02:21,433
- busy.
- (laughter)
31
00:02:22,934 --> 00:02:25,770
See, my mother
made the money in our house.
32
00:02:25,770 --> 00:02:29,774
She was 12 years older
than my father
33
00:02:29,774 --> 00:02:31,651
and refused...
34
00:02:32,485 --> 00:02:34,487
to legally marry him.
35
00:02:34,487 --> 00:02:36,906
(laughter)
36
00:02:36,906 --> 00:02:39,993
What does being a woman
mean to me?
37
00:02:39,993 --> 00:02:41,828
(haughty scoff)
38
00:02:42,787 --> 00:02:45,457
It means being a man.
39
00:02:45,457 --> 00:02:48,418
(laughter, cheering)
40
00:02:48,418 --> 00:02:50,337
In our house,
when Mother kissed us goodnight,
41
00:02:50,337 --> 00:02:53,089
- she kissed us twice.
- (laughter)
42
00:02:53,089 --> 00:02:55,300
Once for the evening and...
43
00:02:56,718 --> 00:02:59,304
once to make up for not
being there the next day.
44
00:02:59,304 --> 00:03:01,097
(laughter)
45
00:03:01,097 --> 00:03:03,975
But don’t fret on me,
Los Angeles, no.
46
00:03:03,975 --> 00:03:06,644
See, I was raised
by my real mom.
47
00:03:06,644 --> 00:03:08,355
Mi madre real.
48
00:03:08,355 --> 00:03:09,939
(laughter)
49
00:03:09,939 --> 00:03:12,275
Gloria Lopez Cabrera.
50
00:03:12,275 --> 00:03:16,279
- (scattered cheers)
- That's right, she taught me
everything that I know.
51
00:03:16,279 --> 00:03:20,158
She is the reason why
when I burn my hand,
52
00:03:20,158 --> 00:03:22,327
instead of saying, "Ow!"
53
00:03:22,327 --> 00:03:25,288
I say, (hisses) "Ay!"
54
00:03:25,288 --> 00:03:28,667
(laughter, applause)
55
00:03:28,667 --> 00:03:30,335
But let's go back even further.
56
00:03:30,335 --> 00:03:33,213
The year was 1995,
57
00:03:33,213 --> 00:03:36,049
and Mommy and Daddy
wanted a boy.
58
00:03:36,049 --> 00:03:40,053
So genetic engineers
sorted through my father's...
59
00:03:41,346 --> 00:03:43,181
- genetic material...
- (laughter)
60
00:03:43,807 --> 00:03:46,059
and eliminated
all of the sperm
61
00:03:46,059 --> 00:03:48,144
with the XX
62
00:03:48,144 --> 00:03:51,523
"female" chromosomes.
63
00:03:51,523 --> 00:03:53,400
(scattered laughs)
64
00:03:53,400 --> 00:03:55,485
All but one.
65
00:03:55,485 --> 00:03:58,196
(laughter)
66
00:03:58,196 --> 00:04:01,991
Nine months later,
Mama's little boy arrived a girl
67
00:04:01,991 --> 00:04:03,493
as a reminder to my parents
68
00:04:03,493 --> 00:04:05,203
that if they
wanted to play god,
69
00:04:05,203 --> 00:04:08,206
they'd have to deal
with the devil herself.
70
00:04:08,206 --> 00:04:11,251
- (applause, cheering)
- (song ends)
71
00:04:14,129 --> 00:04:15,672
(applause dies down)
72
00:04:15,672 --> 00:04:17,549
(normal voice)
So that's why
when people ask me
73
00:04:17,549 --> 00:04:20,427
if it's tough being
a female comedian
74
00:04:20,427 --> 00:04:22,679
so outnumbered by men,
I just tell them,
75
00:04:22,679 --> 00:04:25,348
"Baby, this ain't
my first fuckin' rodeo."
76
00:04:25,348 --> 00:04:28,435
(applause, cheering)
77
00:04:30,061 --> 00:04:32,063
- Let's begin.
- (laughter)
78
00:04:33,606 --> 00:04:35,900
Anybody ever done DMT?
79
00:04:35,900 --> 00:04:39,029
(laughter, cheering)
80
00:04:39,029 --> 00:04:41,740
Alright...
81
00:04:41,740 --> 00:04:43,908
For those of you who don't know,
82
00:04:43,908 --> 00:04:47,912
DMT is a psychedelic chemical
83
00:04:47,912 --> 00:04:51,249
released in all of our brains...
84
00:04:51,249 --> 00:04:53,752
- (snaps)
- when we die.
85
00:04:54,919 --> 00:04:57,088
Say what you will about the guy,
86
00:04:57,088 --> 00:05:01,134
nice of God to sprinkle
that in there, huh?
87
00:05:01,760 --> 00:05:04,220
He was like, "Yeah,
you know, unfortunately,
88
00:05:04,220 --> 00:05:07,098
human beings,
you guys do, eventually..."
89
00:05:07,932 --> 00:05:10,435
- (inhaling)
- (laughter)
90
00:05:11,269 --> 00:05:14,939
"...have to die. But, uh..."
91
00:05:14,939 --> 00:05:16,274
(exhales)
92
00:05:18,860 --> 00:05:22,280
"...right before you do...
93
00:05:23,907 --> 00:05:26,326
"you're gonna fucking
94
00:05:26,326 --> 00:05:30,121
- live."
- (laughter, cheering)
95
00:05:31,122 --> 00:05:34,668
Me, I don't do
drugs much anymore
96
00:05:34,668 --> 00:05:38,672
because I smoked
Los Angeles chronic marijuana
97
00:05:38,672 --> 00:05:41,007
four-plus times a day
98
00:05:41,007 --> 00:05:45,011
- during vital stages
of my brain’s development.
- (laughter)
99
00:05:45,970 --> 00:05:49,015
So I am what scientists
100
00:05:49,015 --> 00:05:51,518
and doctors have referred to
101
00:05:51,518 --> 00:05:55,522
in several articles
and medical journals as...
102
00:05:55,522 --> 00:05:58,692
"ruined." And my friends,
103
00:05:58,692 --> 00:06:01,319
they try to get me
to do mushrooms
104
00:06:01,319 --> 00:06:03,321
and acid with them.
105
00:06:03,321 --> 00:06:05,782
They say...
106
00:06:05,782 --> 00:06:09,327
that it will expand my mind.
107
00:06:09,327 --> 00:06:11,329
(scattered laughter)
108
00:06:13,998 --> 00:06:16,001
(louder laughter)
109
00:06:19,838 --> 00:06:23,049
Okay, one time
I saw a spider’s web
110
00:06:23,049 --> 00:06:25,635
with drops of rainwater
caught in it,
111
00:06:25,635 --> 00:06:27,637
and I stared at it so long,
112
00:06:27,637 --> 00:06:31,641
I was one hour
and 45 minutes late to work.
113
00:06:31,641 --> 00:06:35,311
- (laughter)
- My boss said, "Hannah,
this is unacceptable.
114
00:06:35,311 --> 00:06:37,856
I expect more from you."
115
00:06:37,856 --> 00:06:40,859
I said, "Miss Valdez...
116
00:06:41,860 --> 00:06:44,529
"who told you to do that?
117
00:06:44,529 --> 00:06:48,033
"We work at a coffee shop
in the epicenter
118
00:06:48,033 --> 00:06:50,910
"of West Hollywood
elitist douchebaggery.
119
00:06:50,910 --> 00:06:54,831
"I serve one purpose
in this establishment.
120
00:06:54,831 --> 00:06:56,875
"I boost the morale
121
00:06:56,875 --> 00:06:59,377
-"of the other baristas.
- (laughter)
122
00:06:59,377 --> 00:07:01,588
"I’m comic relief, baby.
123
00:07:01,588 --> 00:07:03,882
"Nothin' more, nothin' less.
124
00:07:03,882 --> 00:07:06,843
"So do you want me
to be on time,
125
00:07:06,843 --> 00:07:10,722
"Or do you want me
to prevent Victoria
126
00:07:10,722 --> 00:07:14,726
from murdering the third lead
on a CW show?"
127
00:07:14,726 --> 00:07:16,269
(laughter)
128
00:07:16,269 --> 00:07:19,397
(applause)
129
00:07:19,397 --> 00:07:21,399
And second of all...
130
00:07:22,650 --> 00:07:24,652
and most importantly...
131
00:07:28,323 --> 00:07:30,742
the spider’s web is more
132
00:07:30,742 --> 00:07:33,745
than just a habitat
for the spider.
133
00:07:33,745 --> 00:07:37,707
It is designed by nature
as a mechanism for death,
134
00:07:37,707 --> 00:07:41,628
designed to kill,
but what finds itself trapped
135
00:07:41,628 --> 00:07:44,464
in the spider's web but water,
136
00:07:44,464 --> 00:07:46,925
the essence of life?
137
00:07:46,925 --> 00:07:48,927
(laughter)
138
00:07:48,927 --> 00:07:50,887
I looked up from
the spider's web
139
00:07:50,887 --> 00:07:54,432
and saw the sun shining through
a leaf on a tree,
140
00:07:54,432 --> 00:07:56,935
causing it to wither
and fall to the earth dead,
141
00:07:56,935 --> 00:07:59,229
where, ironically,
the tree couldn't have grown
142
00:07:59,229 --> 00:08:02,065
in the first place were it not
for the very same sun
143
00:08:02,065 --> 00:08:03,775
responsible for
the leaf's death.
144
00:08:03,775 --> 00:08:07,278
If I do acid,
I will never come back.
145
00:08:07,278 --> 00:08:10,323
- (laughter)
- (applause, cheering)
146
00:08:14,536 --> 00:08:16,621
(audience dies down)
147
00:08:16,621 --> 00:08:19,666
When I die, and I plan to,
148
00:08:19,666 --> 00:08:23,253
I am going to donate
my body to science,
149
00:08:23,253 --> 00:08:27,298
so they can study the effects
drug use has had on my brain.
150
00:08:28,633 --> 00:08:32,345
But mostly, if I'm being honest,
151
00:08:32,345 --> 00:08:34,806
‘cause I think those nerds
deserve to see a 10
152
00:08:34,806 --> 00:08:38,143
- naked in the flesh
for once, am I right?
- (laughter)
153
00:08:38,143 --> 00:08:41,521
(applause, cheering)
154
00:08:47,861 --> 00:08:51,114
I smoked all that weed
to take the edge off of
155
00:08:51,114 --> 00:08:55,118
the 40 milligrams
of Adderall I took
156
00:08:55,118 --> 00:08:58,496
every day for six years.
157
00:08:58,496 --> 00:09:01,207
And I'm pretty excited.
158
00:09:01,207 --> 00:09:05,211
The neurodivergentissance
is upon us, folks!
159
00:09:05,211 --> 00:09:09,215
- (cheering)
- ADHD is hot right now, y'all.
160
00:09:09,215 --> 00:09:13,136
Woo, ADHD Army, baby!
161
00:09:13,136 --> 00:09:15,555
- (cheering)
- Worst army ever.
162
00:09:15,555 --> 00:09:18,350
Everybody's setting their alarm
for p.m. instead of a.m.,
163
00:09:18,350 --> 00:09:21,686
- they missed the damn battle!
- (laughter, applause)
164
00:09:22,604 --> 00:09:24,606
The sergeant's like, "Maggots!
165
00:09:26,691 --> 00:09:30,195
- What was I just talkin' about?"
- (laughter)
166
00:09:30,195 --> 00:09:32,155
Here's what I think.
167
00:09:32,155 --> 00:09:34,991
I think
the gross overprescription
168
00:09:34,991 --> 00:09:36,868
of amphetamine-based stimulants
169
00:09:36,868 --> 00:09:39,829
to increase productivity
under capitalism
170
00:09:39,829 --> 00:09:43,249
has tricked people into thinking
that everyone has ADHD,
171
00:09:43,249 --> 00:09:45,835
when really,
most people just hate their jobs
172
00:09:45,835 --> 00:09:48,672
- and need to be
high on drugs to do them.
- (laughter)
173
00:09:48,672 --> 00:09:51,716
- And--
- (applause, cheering)
174
00:09:54,469 --> 00:09:58,264
And when you have ADD and ADHD,
175
00:09:58,264 --> 00:10:00,558
everyone in your life
176
00:10:00,558 --> 00:10:04,104
will tell you that
you should...
177
00:10:05,605 --> 00:10:09,109
- meditate.
- (laughter)
178
00:10:10,068 --> 00:10:11,736
In an attempt to gain
179
00:10:11,736 --> 00:10:14,406
some sense of mental control.
180
00:10:14,406 --> 00:10:17,909
But, because I have ADHD,
181
00:10:19,411 --> 00:10:22,622
every time I try to meditate,
182
00:10:23,456 --> 00:10:26,209
the inside of my brain
183
00:10:26,209 --> 00:10:29,254
sounds like this.
184
00:10:29,254 --> 00:10:32,757
- (meditation music playing)
- (laughter)
185
00:10:37,595 --> 00:10:39,597
(scattered laughter)
186
00:10:50,483 --> 00:10:53,486
(scattered laughter)
187
00:10:59,951 --> 00:11:00,952
♪ Here we go ♪
188
00:11:00,952 --> 00:11:03,288
("The Hamster Dance Song"
playing)
189
00:11:03,288 --> 00:11:06,332
(laughter, applause)
190
00:11:08,001 --> 00:11:11,004
- (song cuts off abruptly)
- (meditation music resumes)
191
00:11:11,004 --> 00:11:14,049
(laughter)
192
00:11:32,901 --> 00:11:36,446
- ("Bodies" by
Drowning Pool playing)
- (laughter)
193
00:11:36,446 --> 00:11:40,033
♪ Let the bodies hit the floor,
let the bodies hit the... ♪
194
00:11:40,742 --> 00:11:44,037
♪ Floor! ♪
195
00:11:44,037 --> 00:11:46,664
- (song stops abruptly)
- So I don’t do it.
196
00:11:46,664 --> 00:11:49,876
(applause, cheering)
197
00:11:52,003 --> 00:11:55,965
Last week, after 15 years
of seeing my therapist,
198
00:11:55,965 --> 00:11:59,678
she suggested
that I try hypnosis.
199
00:12:02,472 --> 00:12:05,183
(scattered laughter)
200
00:12:06,935 --> 00:12:10,397
Okay, not really landing
with the crowd. No problem.
201
00:12:10,397 --> 00:12:13,900
It’s all good.
I’m gonna go ahead.
202
00:12:15,443 --> 00:12:17,737
- I’m gonna rephrase it for ya.
- (laughter)
203
00:12:17,737 --> 00:12:19,614
I have the power to do that.
204
00:12:20,782 --> 00:12:22,534
I’ll go right ahead.
Here we go.
205
00:12:24,369 --> 00:12:26,204
Okay, so last week...
206
00:12:26,204 --> 00:12:28,707
(laughter)
207
00:12:28,707 --> 00:12:31,751
...after 15...
208
00:12:33,545 --> 00:12:35,547
- years...
- (laughter)
209
00:12:35,547 --> 00:12:37,382
of seeing...
210
00:12:37,382 --> 00:12:39,884
a medical professional...
211
00:12:39,884 --> 00:12:41,720
(laughter)
212
00:12:41,720 --> 00:12:44,097
she suggested...
213
00:12:44,097 --> 00:12:48,018
that I see...
a magician!
214
00:12:48,018 --> 00:12:49,728
(laughter)
215
00:12:49,728 --> 00:12:51,229
(banging)
216
00:12:51,229 --> 00:12:53,773
(applause)
217
00:12:56,234 --> 00:12:59,571
So that she could cast
a spell on me!
218
00:12:59,571 --> 00:13:01,531
(laughter)
219
00:13:01,531 --> 00:13:04,367
Let’s be clear.
It should not cost
220
00:13:04,367 --> 00:13:08,079
US dollars to be hypnotized.
221
00:13:08,079 --> 00:13:10,623
It should cost
an eccentric favor.
222
00:13:10,623 --> 00:13:12,375
(laughter)
223
00:13:12,375 --> 00:13:14,085
Like I should go to pay for it
224
00:13:14,085 --> 00:13:15,795
and the hypnotist
should be like,
225
00:13:15,795 --> 00:13:18,256
(witch voice)
"Oh no, my child.
226
00:13:18,256 --> 00:13:21,509
"For it is not money
that I seek.
227
00:13:22,427 --> 00:13:26,222
"You must carry a pig
to the top of a mountainside
228
00:13:26,222 --> 00:13:29,726
"and let it drink from
the stream there every day
229
00:13:29,726 --> 00:13:33,480
"at sunset until the full moon!
230
00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:37,108
- (breathing heavily)
- (laughter)
231
00:13:40,612 --> 00:13:43,490
- (sighs) Or CashApp.
It was a long year."
- (laughter)
232
00:13:43,490 --> 00:13:45,575
I’m like, "Great, what's
your CashApp?" She's like,
233
00:13:45,575 --> 00:13:47,786
"Oh, it’s just my name."
I'm like, "Okay, well,
what’s your name?"
234
00:13:47,786 --> 00:13:49,913
She's like,
"Oh, it's actually..."
(imitating wind)
235
00:13:49,913 --> 00:13:52,957
(laughter)
236
00:13:53,875 --> 00:13:54,876
(sighs)
237
00:13:57,545 --> 00:13:59,964
But enough about me.
(scoffs)
238
00:13:59,964 --> 00:14:02,008
Let's talk about you!
239
00:14:04,219 --> 00:14:06,137
By round of applause,
240
00:14:06,137 --> 00:14:08,640
how many of you here tonight
241
00:14:08,640 --> 00:14:11,935
genuinely believe
that you are...
242
00:14:11,935 --> 00:14:13,645
a good person.
243
00:14:13,645 --> 00:14:16,690
(applause, cheering)
244
00:14:21,820 --> 00:14:24,489
- (applause dies down)
- (laughter)
245
00:14:26,408 --> 00:14:28,952
Okay, seems a bit high, um--
246
00:14:28,952 --> 00:14:30,495
(laughs)
247
00:14:30,495 --> 00:14:32,664
Listen, I'm with the folks
who didn't clap.
248
00:14:32,664 --> 00:14:35,834
(laughs) I, uh, I know
for a fact that I'm not...
249
00:14:35,834 --> 00:14:37,627
a good person.
250
00:14:37,627 --> 00:14:40,380
I'm really only
a good person on paper.
251
00:14:40,380 --> 00:14:43,049
You know, like, um,
like I’m a vegan,
252
00:14:43,049 --> 00:14:46,845
I drive a Prius,
voted for Bernie Sanders.
253
00:14:46,845 --> 00:14:47,971
Thrice.
254
00:14:47,971 --> 00:14:51,307
But I didn’t do
any of those things
255
00:14:51,307 --> 00:14:53,685
out of the goodness of my heart,
you know?
256
00:14:53,685 --> 00:14:55,562
I mean, what,
you think I’m a vegan
257
00:14:55,562 --> 00:14:58,815
because I care about
the lives of innocent,
258
00:14:58,815 --> 00:15:02,027
voiceless animals
slaughtered every day? No!
259
00:15:02,027 --> 00:15:03,194
(laughter)
260
00:15:03,194 --> 00:15:05,363
No, I’m a vegan
261
00:15:05,363 --> 00:15:08,575
because I wanted
to reduce my risk
262
00:15:08,575 --> 00:15:12,037
of getting cancer,
but didn't wanna give up
263
00:15:12,037 --> 00:15:13,830
huffing paint.
264
00:15:13,830 --> 00:15:16,833
(laughter)
265
00:15:16,833 --> 00:15:18,668
You think I drive a Prius
266
00:15:18,668 --> 00:15:21,171
because I care
about the environment?
267
00:15:21,171 --> 00:15:25,717
45 bucks for the whole tank,
my guy!
268
00:15:25,717 --> 00:15:29,429
- Money!
- (laughter)
269
00:15:29,429 --> 00:15:31,014
You think I voted for Bernie
270
00:15:31,014 --> 00:15:33,183
because he'd been
on the right side of history
271
00:15:33,183 --> 00:15:35,101
since the beginning
of his political career
272
00:15:35,101 --> 00:15:38,271
and that a Sanders presidency
would uplift the most neglected
273
00:15:38,271 --> 00:15:41,107
and deserving Americans
on the dollar of the 1%
274
00:15:41,107 --> 00:15:45,236
- and evil corporations? No!
- (laughter)
275
00:15:45,236 --> 00:15:49,240
I voted for him
because he had the best body.
276
00:15:49,240 --> 00:15:52,285
(applause, cheering)
277
00:15:54,746 --> 00:15:58,583
- Bernie Sanders,
I love that crazy guy.
- (laughter)
278
00:15:58,583 --> 00:16:01,544
He emails me!
Signed up for the blast.
279
00:16:01,544 --> 00:16:05,382
And, uh, those subject lines
are out of fucking pocket.
280
00:16:05,382 --> 00:16:06,925
(applause)
281
00:16:06,925 --> 00:16:10,136
Bernie emailed me last week, and
the subject line was literally,
282
00:16:10,136 --> 00:16:13,723
"Hannah, it's not good!"
I was like,
283
00:16:13,723 --> 00:16:15,767
yeah, we know.
284
00:16:15,767 --> 00:16:17,894
(applause)
285
00:16:17,894 --> 00:16:21,272
(cheering)
286
00:16:21,272 --> 00:16:24,067
In 1949, a man
named Alfred Steferud
287
00:16:24,067 --> 00:16:26,986
wrote an article in
the USDA Journal of Agriculture,
288
00:16:26,986 --> 00:16:30,740
and in it, he recommended
that city and urban planners
289
00:16:30,740 --> 00:16:34,744
only plant trees
of the male variety
290
00:16:34,744 --> 00:16:36,788
because he said,
"Trees of the female variety
291
00:16:36,788 --> 00:16:39,082
"littered cumbersome
seeds and fruit
292
00:16:39,082 --> 00:16:41,626
that made
the streets unbecoming."
293
00:16:41,626 --> 00:16:42,961
(laughter)
294
00:16:42,961 --> 00:16:46,965
So, of course, in America
in 1949, they were like,
295
00:16:46,965 --> 00:16:50,427
"Ew! We don't want
these bitch trees..."
296
00:16:50,427 --> 00:16:51,845
(laughter)
297
00:16:51,845 --> 00:16:55,849
"...to get their periods
on the sidewalk!"
298
00:16:55,849 --> 00:16:57,934
(applause)
299
00:16:57,934 --> 00:16:59,477
"Gross!"
300
00:17:03,064 --> 00:17:05,984
And so, it was done.
If you can believe it,
301
00:17:05,984 --> 00:17:08,653
in 1949, in cities
across this country,
302
00:17:08,653 --> 00:17:11,823
almost exclusively
male trees were planted,
303
00:17:11,823 --> 00:17:14,159
where the number of people
with seasonal allergies
304
00:17:14,159 --> 00:17:16,661
at the time was 15 million.
305
00:17:16,661 --> 00:17:20,665
That number today
is upwards of 230 million,
306
00:17:20,665 --> 00:17:22,167
and no one...
307
00:17:23,001 --> 00:17:24,836
has them worse...
308
00:17:26,087 --> 00:17:28,673
than me. I am allergic
309
00:17:28,673 --> 00:17:30,842
to pollen, dust, gluten, dairy,
310
00:17:30,842 --> 00:17:33,678
all animals with fur, feathers,
grass, stone fruit,
311
00:17:33,678 --> 00:17:37,223
medical contrast, amoxicillin,
red dye number 40,
312
00:17:37,223 --> 00:17:39,184
and, according to my ex,
313
00:17:39,184 --> 00:17:42,228
- the touch of a man. Now...
- (laughter)
314
00:17:42,228 --> 00:17:45,273
(applause, cheering)
315
00:17:46,608 --> 00:17:47,859
(mouthing)
316
00:17:47,859 --> 00:17:49,402
(laughter)
317
00:17:51,363 --> 00:17:55,033
We all know that trees filter
toxic chemicals in the air
318
00:17:55,033 --> 00:17:57,077
through pores in their leaves
319
00:17:57,077 --> 00:18:00,163
and rerelease cleaner air.
320
00:18:00,163 --> 00:18:03,375
But what I've gathered
everyone tonight to discuss...
321
00:18:03,375 --> 00:18:05,543
(laughter)
322
00:18:05,543 --> 00:18:07,879
...is where the chemicals
323
00:18:07,879 --> 00:18:11,549
that the trees absorb end up.
324
00:18:12,467 --> 00:18:15,345
- Well...
- (quiet laughter)
325
00:18:15,345 --> 00:18:19,307
if we had planted girl trees,
326
00:18:20,058 --> 00:18:22,060
who don't...
327
00:18:22,060 --> 00:18:24,938
produce pollen...
328
00:18:24,938 --> 00:18:27,899
at all...
329
00:18:27,899 --> 00:18:30,527
And a hush fell over the crowd.
Yeah!
330
00:18:30,527 --> 00:18:33,071
The chemicals would've been
transferred to the seeds
331
00:18:33,071 --> 00:18:36,074
that fall off the trees
and roll down into the gutter,
332
00:18:36,074 --> 00:18:39,411
but since we had to plant
333
00:18:39,411 --> 00:18:42,997
- these fuck-ass boy trees!
- (laughter)
334
00:18:43,957 --> 00:18:47,085
Guess where the chemicals
335
00:18:47,085 --> 00:18:51,089
that the trees absorb end up?
336
00:18:51,089 --> 00:18:53,717
(quiet murmuring)
337
00:18:53,717 --> 00:18:55,427
In the pollen.
338
00:18:55,427 --> 00:18:58,430
(laughter)
339
00:18:58,430 --> 00:19:02,267
(applause)
340
00:19:02,267 --> 00:19:04,602
You wanna talk to me
341
00:19:04,602 --> 00:19:07,605
about toxic masculinity?
342
00:19:07,605 --> 00:19:10,608
(laughter, applause)
343
00:19:10,608 --> 00:19:13,570
You guys are breathing
in a tide pod
344
00:19:13,570 --> 00:19:16,781
every time you walk out
the front door!
345
00:19:16,781 --> 00:19:19,409
And I’m not the type of person
346
00:19:19,409 --> 00:19:23,288
to bring up a problem
without proposing a solution.
347
00:19:24,456 --> 00:19:27,125
And I think it’s pretty clear
in this case.
348
00:19:29,044 --> 00:19:31,296
(scattered laughter)
349
00:19:31,296 --> 00:19:34,632
- Goodnight!
No, can you imagine?
- (laughter)
350
00:19:36,343 --> 00:19:39,471
(scattered laughter)
351
00:19:39,471 --> 00:19:42,474
We gotta kill all those trees.
Listen!
352
00:19:42,474 --> 00:19:44,601
I’m not talkin' about
353
00:19:44,601 --> 00:19:47,270
the trees in
the wild, baby! No!
354
00:19:47,270 --> 00:19:49,647
I'm not talking about them.
They operate under a system
355
00:19:49,647 --> 00:19:52,108
so intricate, I do not have
the time to get into it.
356
00:19:52,108 --> 00:19:54,819
"No, Hannah,
please get into it!" Okay!
357
00:19:54,819 --> 00:19:56,821
(laughter)
358
00:19:56,821 --> 00:20:00,825
Trees in the wild operate under
essentially botanical communism.
359
00:20:00,825 --> 00:20:03,161
They distribute nutrients
through their roots
360
00:20:03,161 --> 00:20:05,205
based on which tree needs what.
361
00:20:05,205 --> 00:20:08,875
Trees here will warn trees miles
and miles away of predators,
362
00:20:08,875 --> 00:20:10,794
so that those trees
can emit a substance
363
00:20:10,794 --> 00:20:12,379
that makes
their bark taste weird.
364
00:20:12,379 --> 00:20:14,297
That's right.
They're sending messages.
365
00:20:14,297 --> 00:20:17,676
Messages underground.
Trees have access to language.
366
00:20:17,676 --> 00:20:21,513
And you guys are just
sleeping at night? I'm up!
367
00:20:21,513 --> 00:20:24,849
(laughter, applause)
368
00:20:25,392 --> 00:20:28,019
Trees in the wild
are intricate societies,
369
00:20:28,019 --> 00:20:31,022
all helmed upon the power
of the feminine mother trees,
370
00:20:31,022 --> 00:20:32,857
and we must protect them.
371
00:20:32,857 --> 00:20:36,653
- But these city fuck boys?
- (laughter)
372
00:20:36,653 --> 00:20:41,366
What could they possibly
be talking about down there?
373
00:20:41,366 --> 00:20:44,077
- They're all men.
- (laughter)
374
00:20:44,077 --> 00:20:45,537
It probably sounds
like an episode
375
00:20:45,537 --> 00:20:48,164
of "The Joe Rogan Experience."
376
00:20:48,164 --> 00:20:51,209
- Kill them!
- (laughter)
377
00:20:51,209 --> 00:20:55,380
(applause, cheering)
378
00:20:58,091 --> 00:21:01,052
And the bees
are working overtime!
379
00:21:01,052 --> 00:21:05,515
I saw a bee pollinating
a flower 11:45 at night.
380
00:21:05,515 --> 00:21:09,060
- I said, "Clock out, king,
you're working too hard!"
- (laughter)
381
00:21:09,060 --> 00:21:11,730
Oh, my God!
Bees are pathetic!
382
00:21:11,730 --> 00:21:13,606
"Gotta work, gotta work,
gotta work for the queen,
gotta work for the queen."
383
00:21:13,606 --> 00:21:17,402
- She doesn't think
about you at all!
- (laughter)
384
00:21:17,402 --> 00:21:20,405
Save the bees? Yeah,
385
00:21:20,405 --> 00:21:24,409
from a polyamorous
monarchical tyrant!
386
00:21:24,409 --> 00:21:26,953
(laughter, applause)
387
00:21:26,953 --> 00:21:28,079
(scoffs)
388
00:21:31,833 --> 00:21:34,419
- (scoffs)
- (laughter)
389
00:21:35,628 --> 00:21:36,671
(scoffs)
390
00:21:38,256 --> 00:21:39,549
(scoffs)
391
00:21:39,549 --> 00:21:41,593
(laughter)
392
00:21:44,596 --> 00:21:45,805
Fifteen more minutes of this?
393
00:21:45,805 --> 00:21:48,933
- (scoffs)
- (laughter)
394
00:21:48,933 --> 00:21:49,934
(scoffs)
395
00:21:50,685 --> 00:21:52,771
No, but we do. We do have
to save the bees, you guys.
396
00:21:52,771 --> 00:21:55,273
In all seriousness.
No bees?
397
00:21:55,273 --> 00:21:57,400
(scattered laughter)
398
00:21:57,400 --> 00:21:59,444
No crops.
399
00:22:00,612 --> 00:22:02,364
No crops?
400
00:22:04,115 --> 00:22:06,451
No food.
401
00:22:07,827 --> 00:22:08,912
No food?
402
00:22:08,912 --> 00:22:10,455
Skinny!
403
00:22:10,455 --> 00:22:12,791
- (laughter)
- No! No!
404
00:22:12,791 --> 00:22:14,542
- (applause)
- No!
405
00:22:16,211 --> 00:22:17,545
No.
406
00:22:19,005 --> 00:22:21,841
No, we gotta save them.
We gotta save them.
407
00:22:21,841 --> 00:22:25,595
Um, and they are being--
They are being killed,
408
00:22:25,595 --> 00:22:28,473
and really, mostly, it's climate
change killing the bees, folks.
409
00:22:28,473 --> 00:22:31,476
I hate to-- I hate to say it,
but it's the truth.
410
00:22:32,852 --> 00:22:35,480
Climate change is here.
411
00:22:35,480 --> 00:22:38,024
It's not happening soon.
It's happening now.
412
00:22:38,024 --> 00:22:40,276
(scattered laughter)
413
00:22:40,276 --> 00:22:43,321
- Tonight, tonight, tonight.
- (laughter)
414
00:22:43,321 --> 00:22:45,073
Everything must go.
415
00:22:46,658 --> 00:22:49,953
And humanity is,
416
00:22:49,953 --> 00:22:51,663
aside from everyone
in this room... (kiss)
417
00:22:51,663 --> 00:22:53,206
(laughter)
418
00:22:53,206 --> 00:22:57,210
- (kissing)
- (laughter continues)
419
00:22:59,838 --> 00:23:02,340
Humanity is a toxic...
420
00:23:03,550 --> 00:23:06,344
abusive...
421
00:23:06,344 --> 00:23:08,680
- husband.
- (scattered laughter)
422
00:23:08,680 --> 00:23:11,850
And climate change
423
00:23:11,850 --> 00:23:15,395
is just Planet Earth...
424
00:23:18,064 --> 00:23:20,400
recognizing...
425
00:23:21,359 --> 00:23:23,862
her worth
426
00:23:25,697 --> 00:23:28,366
and filing for a divorce.
427
00:23:28,366 --> 00:23:31,161
And you wanna know what I think?
As a friend.
428
00:23:31,161 --> 00:23:34,831
- Good for her! Good for her.
- (applause)
429
00:23:34,831 --> 00:23:38,376
- (cheering)
- I imagine Planet Earth
430
00:23:38,376 --> 00:23:42,255
on the 11th story
of a New York City
apartment building,
431
00:23:42,255 --> 00:23:46,551
throwing humanity's
shit out of the window
432
00:23:46,551 --> 00:23:49,429
onto the sidewalk
like Marisa Tomei
433
00:23:49,429 --> 00:23:52,098
- in "My Cousin Vinny."
- (laughter)
434
00:23:52,098 --> 00:23:53,725
Just goin'...
435
00:23:53,725 --> 00:23:57,312
(Brooklyn accent)
"4.5 billion years
I put into this!
436
00:23:58,229 --> 00:24:00,732
"And what? You think
you could just pollute me
437
00:24:00,732 --> 00:24:04,402
without protection, and then
move on to another planet?"
438
00:24:04,402 --> 00:24:06,446
(laughter)
439
00:24:06,446 --> 00:24:09,240
"G'head! G'head!
440
00:24:09,240 --> 00:24:12,410
"You wanna go to Mars?
Go to Mars!
441
00:24:12,410 --> 00:24:16,414
"Frack that bitch for all
she's fuckin' worth!
442
00:24:16,414 --> 00:24:19,584
"Which, by the way,
is fuckin' nothing!
443
00:24:19,584 --> 00:24:22,253
"She can't give you
half of what I gave you!
444
00:24:22,253 --> 00:24:25,632
"She doesn't even have water.
Me? I'm 71%
445
00:24:25,632 --> 00:24:28,468
"and fuckin' rising,
thanks to you,
446
00:24:28,468 --> 00:24:31,763
you fuckin' bastard!"
447
00:24:31,763 --> 00:24:34,766
(cheering, applause)
448
00:24:41,439 --> 00:24:42,941
(audience dies down)
449
00:24:43,650 --> 00:24:45,610
(laughter)
450
00:24:51,282 --> 00:24:53,827
(laughter)
451
00:24:54,786 --> 00:24:57,497
-"I cook for you.
- (laughter)
452
00:24:57,497 --> 00:24:59,624
"I clean for you.
453
00:24:59,624 --> 00:25:03,503
"I put a roof over your head,
and what have you given me, huh?
454
00:25:04,838 --> 00:25:07,465
"Couple of ex-cons doin'
a beach day clean-up
455
00:25:07,465 --> 00:25:10,885
"from 11 to 3 on Saturdays?
Fuck you!"
456
00:25:11,636 --> 00:25:13,638
(normal voice)
Don't worry, guys, it's just me.
457
00:25:13,638 --> 00:25:16,057
- (laughter)
- (sniffs)
458
00:25:16,057 --> 00:25:17,308
That...
459
00:25:17,308 --> 00:25:21,312
(applause, cheering)
460
00:25:25,233 --> 00:25:26,860
That was the Earth.
461
00:25:28,653 --> 00:25:31,656
Now, this...
462
00:25:31,656 --> 00:25:33,366
(laughter)
463
00:25:33,366 --> 00:25:35,660
...is the sun.
464
00:25:35,660 --> 00:25:37,704
That was the Earth.
465
00:25:37,704 --> 00:25:39,831
This...
466
00:25:39,831 --> 00:25:42,375
- is the sun. Here we go.
- (laughter)
467
00:25:47,756 --> 00:25:49,507
Don't look at me!
468
00:25:49,507 --> 00:25:52,427
- (laughter, applause)
- Okay, so that was the sun.
469
00:25:53,261 --> 00:25:54,804
Now...
470
00:25:54,804 --> 00:25:56,890
(cheering)
471
00:25:56,890 --> 00:25:58,433
this...
472
00:26:01,186 --> 00:26:02,979
is the moon.
473
00:26:02,979 --> 00:26:05,023
(curtains rattle, flap)
474
00:26:08,860 --> 00:26:11,154
(laughter)
475
00:26:11,154 --> 00:26:13,198
(applause)
476
00:26:19,746 --> 00:26:21,748
(laughter)
477
00:26:24,250 --> 00:26:25,877
(laughter)
478
00:26:25,877 --> 00:26:28,129
(creepy British accent)
Hello...
479
00:26:30,423 --> 00:26:31,716
Oh!
480
00:26:32,717 --> 00:26:34,719
Did you just notice me?
481
00:26:34,719 --> 00:26:36,763
(laughter)
482
00:26:36,763 --> 00:26:39,224
I’ve been watching you.
483
00:26:41,059 --> 00:26:44,062
I’ve been here since 3 p.m.
484
00:26:44,062 --> 00:26:46,606
(laughter)
485
00:26:47,649 --> 00:26:49,901
(gasps) Tell me.
486
00:26:51,736 --> 00:26:54,197
(gasps) How does it feel
487
00:26:54,197 --> 00:26:57,283
to be warmed by
the glow of the sun?
488
00:26:57,283 --> 00:27:00,120
(laughter)
489
00:27:00,120 --> 00:27:01,413
(crying)
490
00:27:02,997 --> 00:27:05,041
I’m so cold.
491
00:27:05,041 --> 00:27:06,459
(laughter)
492
00:27:06,459 --> 00:27:10,338
(intense breathing)
493
00:27:11,423 --> 00:27:13,925
Now, bleed! Bleed!
494
00:27:14,843 --> 00:27:17,554
(normal voice)
I don’t know, I just get
that vibe from her.
495
00:27:17,554 --> 00:27:21,099
(applause, cheering)
496
00:27:24,269 --> 00:27:25,729
Would you believe it,
that reminded me
497
00:27:25,729 --> 00:27:27,439
of something
totally unrelated?
498
00:27:27,439 --> 00:27:30,567
- (laughter)
- (scoffs)
499
00:27:30,567 --> 00:27:32,068
I’d like to share with you now
500
00:27:32,068 --> 00:27:35,113
a recently resurfaced
repressed memory of mine.
501
00:27:35,113 --> 00:27:37,615
(laughter)
502
00:27:37,615 --> 00:27:39,159
The year was 2009.
503
00:27:39,159 --> 00:27:41,453
My day started the way
it always did.
504
00:27:41,453 --> 00:27:42,954
I was 15 years old.
505
00:27:42,954 --> 00:27:44,789
I woke up with
a slamming migraine.
506
00:27:44,789 --> 00:27:47,917
I took my Adderall with coffee
to make it subside.
507
00:27:47,917 --> 00:27:49,502
I drove to school,
508
00:27:49,502 --> 00:27:52,255
where I smoked weed
in the parking lot with a kid
509
00:27:52,255 --> 00:27:54,174
whose legal government name
510
00:27:54,174 --> 00:27:56,634
was Legend Waters.
511
00:27:56,634 --> 00:27:58,678
(laughter)
512
00:27:59,971 --> 00:28:02,140
And I came to
513
00:28:02,849 --> 00:28:06,353
while sitting in
my 7th period English class.
514
00:28:09,522 --> 00:28:11,149
When, suddenly...
515
00:28:11,149 --> 00:28:13,151
(scattered laughter)
516
00:28:13,151 --> 00:28:16,446
I felt the concave seat
517
00:28:16,446 --> 00:28:19,491
of my desk chair
518
00:28:19,491 --> 00:28:21,993
fill to the brim
519
00:28:23,411 --> 00:28:26,373
- with a mystery liquid.
- (groaning)
520
00:28:26,373 --> 00:28:29,834
I ran through the list of what
it could be. Number one...
521
00:28:30,835 --> 00:28:33,505
- number one.
- (laughter)
522
00:28:33,505 --> 00:28:35,131
But no, it couldn't be that.
523
00:28:35,131 --> 00:28:37,175
I would've understood
that that needed to happen.
524
00:28:37,175 --> 00:28:39,386
Well, the only other liquid
525
00:28:39,386 --> 00:28:41,012
that had been
produced by my body
526
00:28:41,012 --> 00:28:43,890
up until this point
in time was...
527
00:28:43,890 --> 00:28:47,394
tears, but I was on such
528
00:28:47,394 --> 00:28:50,480
a high dose of Adderall,
that sort of emotional range
529
00:28:50,480 --> 00:28:52,899
would not have been
possible at the time.
530
00:28:52,899 --> 00:28:54,818
(laughter)
531
00:28:54,818 --> 00:28:55,985
Finally,
532
00:28:55,985 --> 00:28:58,071
I looked down,
533
00:28:58,071 --> 00:29:00,073
and I saw...
534
00:29:01,032 --> 00:29:03,034
- blood.
- (scattered groans)
535
00:29:04,577 --> 00:29:07,038
(laughter)
536
00:29:07,038 --> 00:29:10,208
- I thought, dear God.
- (laughter)
537
00:29:10,208 --> 00:29:12,711
This could only be one thing.
538
00:29:14,879 --> 00:29:16,089
(gasps)
539
00:29:16,089 --> 00:29:18,508
- My liver is failing!
- (laughter)
540
00:29:18,508 --> 00:29:20,844
Yeah, I thought
my liver was failing
541
00:29:20,844 --> 00:29:23,680
because I was really into
the hospital drama "House"
542
00:29:23,680 --> 00:29:25,223
- at the time.
- (laughter)
543
00:29:25,223 --> 00:29:27,767
That's always what that means
544
00:29:27,767 --> 00:29:29,686
on that show.
545
00:29:29,686 --> 00:29:31,771
(laughter)
546
00:29:31,771 --> 00:29:34,691
But, no. This was it.
547
00:29:34,691 --> 00:29:37,235
In a room full of people,
548
00:29:37,235 --> 00:29:38,570
I was alone.
549
00:29:38,570 --> 00:29:41,906
I couldn't use my cell phone
550
00:29:41,906 --> 00:29:43,783
to text a friend
551
00:29:43,783 --> 00:29:46,578
because I didn't have
a cell phone,
552
00:29:46,578 --> 00:29:49,414
- and I didn't have friends.
- (laughter)
553
00:29:49,414 --> 00:29:51,875
So I sat there,
554
00:29:51,875 --> 00:29:56,212
in a pool of my own blood,
555
00:29:56,212 --> 00:29:58,757
not moving a muscle,
556
00:29:58,757 --> 00:30:01,217
not making a sound
557
00:30:01,217 --> 00:30:05,555
for an hour and 45 minutes,
558
00:30:05,555 --> 00:30:07,432
until it was safe.
559
00:30:07,432 --> 00:30:09,642
The bell rang.
Mrs. Deaver said,
560
00:30:09,642 --> 00:30:13,271
"Ah, ah, ah! Class is not over
when the bell rings.
561
00:30:13,271 --> 00:30:16,775
Class is over
when I dismiss you."
562
00:30:16,775 --> 00:30:18,777
What a cunt.
563
00:30:18,777 --> 00:30:20,820
(laughter)
564
00:30:20,820 --> 00:30:23,114
- (laughs) What?
- (applause)
565
00:30:23,114 --> 00:30:24,949
The bell rang.
566
00:30:24,949 --> 00:30:28,286
(laughter)
567
00:30:32,332 --> 00:30:34,292
Finally, she let the class go.
568
00:30:34,292 --> 00:30:35,835
All the students rushed out,
569
00:30:35,835 --> 00:30:39,464
aside from one who stayed behind
to ask Mrs. Deaver a question,
570
00:30:39,464 --> 00:30:41,424
and she approached
her desk to do it,
571
00:30:41,424 --> 00:30:44,344
blocking me from sight.
This was my out.
572
00:30:44,344 --> 00:30:47,806
I slid outta there
like butter on hot toast.
573
00:30:47,806 --> 00:30:49,974
- (laughter)
- I slid outta there
574
00:30:49,974 --> 00:30:52,143
like a 110-pound teenage girl
575
00:30:52,143 --> 00:30:54,688
covered in blood.
576
00:30:54,688 --> 00:30:57,315
(laughter)
577
00:30:57,315 --> 00:30:59,984
But I was now faced
with a new problem.
578
00:30:59,984 --> 00:31:02,445
I was out in the world,
naked and afraid,
579
00:31:02,445 --> 00:31:04,948
like a newly hatched iguana
on a beach
580
00:31:04,948 --> 00:31:08,118
filled with predatory snakes
blocking my voyage to the ocean,
581
00:31:08,118 --> 00:31:11,329
and thus my freedom.
Vulnerable. And, once again,
582
00:31:11,329 --> 00:31:14,332
- alone. Until...
- (scattered laughter)
583
00:31:14,332 --> 00:31:16,960
Rod Shayan approached me.
584
00:31:16,960 --> 00:31:18,503
"Hey, dude," he said.
"What's up?"
585
00:31:18,503 --> 00:31:20,338
I said, "Nothing.
What's up with you?"
586
00:31:20,338 --> 00:31:23,049
He said, "What are you hiding?"
I said, "What are you hiding?"
587
00:31:23,049 --> 00:31:26,011
(laughter)
588
00:31:31,433 --> 00:31:33,351
He turned me around,
589
00:31:33,351 --> 00:31:37,022
and he saw... everything.
590
00:31:37,022 --> 00:31:39,899
He began to laugh.
I began to laugh...
591
00:31:39,899 --> 00:31:42,235
- slash cry.
- (laughter)
592
00:31:42,235 --> 00:31:44,779
I said, "Rod,
you have to help me!"
593
00:31:45,613 --> 00:31:47,574
So he stopped laughing,
594
00:31:47,574 --> 00:31:49,200
he took off his hoodie,
595
00:31:49,200 --> 00:31:51,369
he tied it around my waist,
596
00:31:51,369 --> 00:31:53,413
and he walked me
to the principal's office,
597
00:31:53,413 --> 00:31:55,749
helped me call my mom,
598
00:31:55,749 --> 00:31:58,918
and when her car pulled up,
he put me inside.
599
00:31:58,918 --> 00:32:00,587
And just before we drove away,
600
00:32:00,587 --> 00:32:03,006
he bent down next to
the passenger's side window,
601
00:32:03,006 --> 00:32:04,716
and he went like this...
602
00:32:06,384 --> 00:32:08,053
(laughter)
603
00:32:10,805 --> 00:32:12,807
(laughter)
604
00:32:13,975 --> 00:32:16,478
- I rolled it down.
- (laughter)
605
00:32:18,563 --> 00:32:19,773
Nah, I'm just kidding.
606
00:32:20,565 --> 00:32:22,567
(laughter)
607
00:32:22,567 --> 00:32:25,111
(applause)
608
00:32:26,237 --> 00:32:29,032
He said, "Don't worry about it,
dude, I got four sisters.
609
00:32:29,032 --> 00:32:31,242
Definitely stock up
on some chocolate.
I'll see ya tomorrow!"
610
00:32:31,242 --> 00:32:35,080
- And then he tapped
the back of the car?!
- (laughter)
611
00:32:35,080 --> 00:32:38,291
Like we were a shipping
container full of goods?
612
00:32:38,291 --> 00:32:41,336
(applause)
613
00:32:45,632 --> 00:32:47,175
Once a month,
614
00:32:48,968 --> 00:32:51,262
at a time that is random...
615
00:32:51,262 --> 00:32:53,556
(laughter)
616
00:32:53,556 --> 00:32:55,767
and never the same,
617
00:32:57,519 --> 00:33:00,772
I get a pang in my uterus,
618
00:33:00,772 --> 00:33:03,608
I lock eyes with the moon,
619
00:33:03,608 --> 00:33:07,112
and I shed my human skin
620
00:33:07,112 --> 00:33:09,572
and become a beast.
621
00:33:09,572 --> 00:33:12,659
Am I right, ladies?
622
00:33:12,659 --> 00:33:15,704
(cheering, applause)
623
00:33:16,788 --> 00:33:18,623
And there's this thing
in the zeitgeist,
624
00:33:18,623 --> 00:33:20,125
in film and television,
625
00:33:20,125 --> 00:33:22,585
where a woman's being insane,
and a man says,
626
00:33:22,585 --> 00:33:23,962
"Are you on your period?"
627
00:33:23,962 --> 00:33:26,506
And she kicks him
through a glass window.
628
00:33:27,132 --> 00:33:30,260
- And that's her right.
- (laughter)
629
00:33:30,260 --> 00:33:32,303
But speaking for myself,
630
00:33:33,138 --> 00:33:34,639
always,
631
00:33:36,349 --> 00:33:37,851
once a month,
632
00:33:39,477 --> 00:33:42,647
I am on the verge
of assassinating
633
00:33:42,647 --> 00:33:45,483
an elected official,
634
00:33:45,483 --> 00:33:48,820
- murder-suicide style.
- (laughter)
635
00:33:48,820 --> 00:33:53,033
And then, someone in my life
636
00:33:53,033 --> 00:33:55,660
comes to me, out of the goodness
of their heart,
637
00:33:55,660 --> 00:33:57,370
and they say, "Hey, Hannah!
638
00:34:01,082 --> 00:34:03,710
-"How you doing?
- (laughter)
639
00:34:03,710 --> 00:34:05,795
"Totally. So, we just--
640
00:34:05,795 --> 00:34:07,213
"A couple--
We've just been worried.
641
00:34:07,213 --> 00:34:09,382
"We're talking.
We're worried about you.
642
00:34:09,382 --> 00:34:12,010
"Um, we just wanna know
what's up, what's going on
643
00:34:12,010 --> 00:34:14,346
"because we just--
Yeah, we've been
listening to some of the,
644
00:34:14,346 --> 00:34:16,681
"um, just the--
It's not a problem.
645
00:34:16,681 --> 00:34:18,850
"Just some of the stuff
you're doing and saying
646
00:34:18,850 --> 00:34:20,518
"is, is, is frightening.
647
00:34:20,518 --> 00:34:24,189
"So, we just-- And by the way,
this is a dialogue, right?
648
00:34:24,189 --> 00:34:25,648
"We wanna hear from you!
649
00:34:25,648 --> 00:34:27,734
-"But, uh...
- (laughter)
650
00:34:27,734 --> 00:34:30,862
"is there any, uh, chance
that you are, um--
651
00:34:30,862 --> 00:34:34,407
"Just 'cause I know
there's, like, um, like a cycle,
652
00:34:34,407 --> 00:34:37,535
there's, like, several,
like, several, um, phases--
653
00:34:37,535 --> 00:34:40,163
"And by the way, by the way,
it's like, I wanna be wrong.
654
00:34:40,163 --> 00:34:42,707
"You know what I'm sayin'?
I want to.
655
00:34:42,707 --> 00:34:44,918
Um, I'm hoping I--
Whoa! Hey now.
656
00:34:44,918 --> 00:34:47,087
"I just wanted to clarify,
657
00:34:47,087 --> 00:34:49,255
"are you, um,
658
00:34:49,255 --> 00:34:52,050
"are you, uh, (exhales)...
659
00:34:52,050 --> 00:34:54,052
a-are you on your period?"
660
00:34:54,052 --> 00:34:56,012
Now, you gotta understand
the entire time
661
00:34:56,012 --> 00:34:58,765
this person is talking to me,
I am feral. I'm fucking--
662
00:34:58,765 --> 00:35:01,810
- (thud)
- (laughter)
663
00:35:02,894 --> 00:35:04,396
I'm like Benedict Cumberbatch
664
00:35:04,396 --> 00:35:06,231
doing motion capture
for "The Hobbit."
665
00:35:06,231 --> 00:35:09,776
(snarling, growling)
666
00:35:09,776 --> 00:35:12,821
(laughter)
667
00:35:16,408 --> 00:35:18,576
(panting)
668
00:35:18,576 --> 00:35:20,578
They're like, "Are you on
your period?" I'm like...
669
00:35:20,578 --> 00:35:22,330
(heavy breathing)
670
00:35:24,749 --> 00:35:26,751
(scattered laughter)
671
00:35:29,170 --> 00:35:30,922
(scattered laughter)
672
00:35:33,425 --> 00:35:35,010
(inhales)
673
00:35:36,636 --> 00:35:38,596
"You know what? Probably.
Wow. Thank you.
674
00:35:38,596 --> 00:35:41,099
"That was-- Wow. You really
helped me with that.
675
00:35:41,099 --> 00:35:43,059
-"That...
- (applause)
676
00:35:43,059 --> 00:35:45,311
-"You, uh...
- (cheering)
677
00:35:45,311 --> 00:35:47,230
"You threw a rope down to
the bottom of the well there,
678
00:35:47,230 --> 00:35:49,733
-"didn't you? (laughs) Woo!
- (laughter)
679
00:35:49,733 --> 00:35:51,234
"Almost did somethin' bad,
680
00:35:51,234 --> 00:35:54,446
"so thank you, um, for that.
681
00:35:54,446 --> 00:35:56,614
"And by the way, it's like,
now we're asking questions,
682
00:35:56,614 --> 00:35:59,743
"it is a dialogue for sure,
um, do you know
683
00:35:59,743 --> 00:36:03,747
"if a package that is in transit
684
00:36:03,747 --> 00:36:07,292
- can be stopped?
- (laughter)
685
00:36:09,169 --> 00:36:10,879
"What's that? Washington.
686
00:36:12,047 --> 00:36:13,590
Let me know. (laughs)"
687
00:36:13,590 --> 00:36:16,634
- (applause)
- (clears throat)
688
00:36:19,471 --> 00:36:23,475
People come up to me
after the shows, not to brag...
689
00:36:24,517 --> 00:36:26,394
and they always say
the same thing.
690
00:36:29,981 --> 00:36:31,191
They say to me, "Hannah...
691
00:36:32,525 --> 00:36:34,944
(scattered laughter)
692
00:36:34,944 --> 00:36:36,613
How come you hustle so hard?"
693
00:36:36,613 --> 00:36:37,989
(laughter)
694
00:36:37,989 --> 00:36:40,367
They say,
"It seems like with you,
695
00:36:40,367 --> 00:36:43,411
the grind never stops."
696
00:36:47,665 --> 00:36:49,167
I say, it's simple.
697
00:36:50,335 --> 00:36:52,337
There's a reason for that.
698
00:36:52,337 --> 00:36:54,381
It is as follows.
699
00:36:56,508 --> 00:36:58,802
From the ages of 9 to 14,
700
00:36:58,802 --> 00:37:01,805
I was an all-star
competitive cheerleader. Clap!
701
00:37:01,805 --> 00:37:05,183
(applause, cheering)
702
00:37:09,187 --> 00:37:12,232
Now, I hope this goes
without saying,
703
00:37:12,232 --> 00:37:15,902
I have respect for every member
of this audience.
704
00:37:15,902 --> 00:37:19,239
I have respect for the patrons
of the El Rey.
705
00:37:19,239 --> 00:37:21,408
I have respect for the citizens
706
00:37:21,408 --> 00:37:23,243
of the greatest city
on this planet,
707
00:37:23,243 --> 00:37:27,247
- Los Angeles, California.
- (cheering, applause)
708
00:37:32,293 --> 00:37:34,796
But hear me when I say...
709
00:37:37,632 --> 00:37:41,553
not one of you motherfuckers
710
00:37:41,553 --> 00:37:45,390
would last half a day
at cheer practice,
711
00:37:45,390 --> 00:37:47,392
- you understand me?!
- (laughter)
712
00:37:47,392 --> 00:37:50,729
If the conditioning
didn't break you,
713
00:37:50,729 --> 00:37:54,399
the psychological warfare
surely would.
714
00:37:54,399 --> 00:37:56,234
I don't think you understand.
715
00:37:56,234 --> 00:37:58,028
I had a teammate, Suzanne.
716
00:37:58,028 --> 00:38:00,739
She fell out of the pyramid
during a competition,
717
00:38:00,739 --> 00:38:03,575
and when she got off stage,
she was so angry
718
00:38:03,575 --> 00:38:06,745
that she walked over
to a concrete wall,
719
00:38:06,745 --> 00:38:09,581
kicked it,
and shattered her foot.
720
00:38:09,581 --> 00:38:11,458
Yeah, you know
where she works now?
721
00:38:11,458 --> 00:38:13,043
The Pentagon.
722
00:38:13,043 --> 00:38:15,128
(laughter)
723
00:38:15,128 --> 00:38:17,547
Guess who’s paying
for that six-point deduction
724
00:38:17,547 --> 00:38:18,923
at Nationals?
725
00:38:18,923 --> 00:38:20,925
Libya, probably.
726
00:38:20,925 --> 00:38:24,429
(laughter, applause)
727
00:38:24,429 --> 00:38:27,974
That same competition, another
girl was flying in a stunt.
728
00:38:27,974 --> 00:38:30,477
She wobbled, that's a deduction.
729
00:38:30,477 --> 00:38:33,772
She locked eyes with my coach
in the front row,
730
00:38:33,772 --> 00:38:36,608
and she began to piss...
731
00:38:36,608 --> 00:38:39,319
- (laughter)
- in the air...
732
00:38:39,319 --> 00:38:41,363
out of fear.
733
00:38:43,281 --> 00:38:46,951
You wanna talk about
cheerleading's not a sport?
734
00:38:48,286 --> 00:38:51,414
You're right.
It's not a sport.
735
00:38:51,414 --> 00:38:54,459
It's a subsect
of the United States military.
736
00:38:54,459 --> 00:38:56,169
(laughter)
737
00:38:56,169 --> 00:38:58,505
You think I wanna be
doing this, folks?
738
00:38:58,505 --> 00:39:01,633
You think I wanna be
doing stand-up comedy?
739
00:39:01,633 --> 00:39:03,426
This is pathetic!
740
00:39:03,426 --> 00:39:07,389
- I used to be a champion, man!
- (laughter)
741
00:39:07,722 --> 00:39:10,141
I tasted glory!
742
00:39:12,394 --> 00:39:14,646
Cheerleading ruined...
743
00:39:14,646 --> 00:39:16,606
my body, okay?
744
00:39:16,606 --> 00:39:20,151
When I bend down,
my knees sound like
745
00:39:20,151 --> 00:39:23,154
a gambling addict
juggling dice.
746
00:39:23,154 --> 00:39:24,864
(laughter)
747
00:39:25,907 --> 00:39:27,951
(audience groans)
748
00:39:28,535 --> 00:39:30,286
- (knee cracks)
- (audience winces)
749
00:39:30,286 --> 00:39:32,706
Oh, does that hurt to hear?
I'm 28!
750
00:39:32,706 --> 00:39:35,041
(laughter, applause)
751
00:39:36,543 --> 00:39:37,544
(sighs)
752
00:39:46,511 --> 00:39:49,014
- (sighs)
- (scattered laughter)
753
00:39:51,266 --> 00:39:52,684
I'm bisexual.
754
00:39:52,684 --> 00:39:55,729
(cheering)
755
00:39:55,729 --> 00:39:59,149
(applause)
756
00:39:59,858 --> 00:40:02,861
- That hasn't really been
my experience, um... Hm.
- (laughter)
757
00:40:04,279 --> 00:40:05,739
You know,
758
00:40:05,739 --> 00:40:09,200
I would argue
that upwards of 90%
759
00:40:09,200 --> 00:40:11,745
of all comedians get on stage,
760
00:40:11,745 --> 00:40:14,706
and talk almost exclusively
761
00:40:14,706 --> 00:40:16,416
about the difference
762
00:40:16,416 --> 00:40:19,085
between men and women.
763
00:40:21,546 --> 00:40:24,174
But how many of them
764
00:40:24,174 --> 00:40:25,842
actually know?
765
00:40:25,842 --> 00:40:29,721
- I am in the trenches.
I am collecting research.
- (laughter)
766
00:40:29,721 --> 00:40:33,058
- I am gathering data.
I'm risking my life!
- (cheering)
767
00:40:33,058 --> 00:40:35,393
And I'm here
to tell you, folks,
768
00:40:35,393 --> 00:40:38,063
the results are in!
769
00:40:38,063 --> 00:40:42,025
Men are idiots
and women are annoying!
770
00:40:42,025 --> 00:40:43,902
(laughter)
771
00:40:43,902 --> 00:40:46,863
The battle of the sexes
is a draw!
772
00:40:46,863 --> 00:40:49,908
Fuck you, and fuck you!
773
00:40:49,908 --> 00:40:53,578
(applause)
774
00:40:53,578 --> 00:40:57,082
All y'all pissing me off.
775
00:40:57,082 --> 00:40:59,125
(laughter)
776
00:41:05,131 --> 00:41:08,885
Bisexuals.
Everybody wants us,
777
00:41:08,885 --> 00:41:12,472
- but no one "wants" us.
- (laughter)
778
00:41:12,472 --> 00:41:14,766
The straights
don't claim us.
779
00:41:14,766 --> 00:41:17,268
The queers certainly
don't claim us.
780
00:41:17,268 --> 00:41:20,271
Hey, lesbians!
What did we ever do to you
781
00:41:20,271 --> 00:41:23,233
besides lead you on
and break your heart?
782
00:41:23,233 --> 00:41:25,110
(laughter)
783
00:41:25,110 --> 00:41:27,654
Why are you mad, I wonder?
784
00:41:29,364 --> 00:41:31,783
(applause)
785
00:41:34,160 --> 00:41:35,662
How else can I say this.
786
00:41:35,662 --> 00:41:41,584
Bisexuals are the Jews
of the LGBTQIA+ community.
787
00:41:41,584 --> 00:41:43,962
- Is that tracking?
- (laughter, cheering)
788
00:41:43,962 --> 00:41:46,089
Everyone's like,
"Ugh, bisexuals!
789
00:41:46,089 --> 00:41:48,675
"They're just shape-shifting
maniacal villains.
790
00:41:48,675 --> 00:41:52,137
They're not one of us!"
Ring a bell, Jews?
791
00:41:52,137 --> 00:41:54,723
(laughter)
792
00:42:06,818 --> 00:42:09,279
Privacy is hard
to come by these days,
793
00:42:09,279 --> 00:42:12,115
- wouldn't you say, folks?
- (scattered laughter)
794
00:42:12,115 --> 00:42:13,992
Wouldn't you say?
I mean,
795
00:42:13,992 --> 00:42:16,870
it's like you can’t even
sit in front of a fountain,
796
00:42:16,870 --> 00:42:18,329
with your head in your hands,
797
00:42:18,329 --> 00:42:21,541
rocking back and forth sobbing
798
00:42:21,541 --> 00:42:23,835
without somebody coming up,
799
00:42:23,835 --> 00:42:25,462
taking a picture,
800
00:42:25,462 --> 00:42:27,630
and captioning it,
"current mood."
801
00:42:27,630 --> 00:42:31,509
- You just can’t get
a moment alone.
- (laughter)
802
00:42:33,511 --> 00:42:36,389
And I think social media
has everything to do with this.
803
00:42:36,389 --> 00:42:38,224
I heard a young woman
on the phone the other day.
804
00:42:38,224 --> 00:42:40,769
I think her conversation
proves my point.
805
00:42:43,355 --> 00:42:45,315
(Valley Girl accent)
"So did I tell you
Mila uninvited me
806
00:42:45,315 --> 00:42:46,900
"to her birthday brunch?
807
00:42:46,900 --> 00:42:48,526
"Yeah, no, I know.
Like, fully criminal.
808
00:42:48,526 --> 00:42:50,153
"It was all set up,
and then the night before,
809
00:42:50,153 --> 00:42:51,529
"she calls me and goes,
sorry, Sav.
810
00:42:51,529 --> 00:42:53,365
"I think I’m just
gonna go with my parents.
811
00:42:54,783 --> 00:42:58,036
- (scattered laughter)
-"I mean, I was pissed,
but I didn’t say anything.
812
00:42:58,036 --> 00:42:59,913
"Anyway, the next day, guess
who's in the background
813
00:42:59,913 --> 00:43:02,374
"of Kate’s Snapchat story
at 1:27 p.m.
814
00:43:02,374 --> 00:43:05,502
-"at Catch in West Hollywood.
- (scattered laughter)
815
00:43:05,502 --> 00:43:07,087
"This bitch.
816
00:43:07,087 --> 00:43:09,214
"There’s more.
Instagram, 2:00 p.m.,
817
00:43:09,214 --> 00:43:11,216
"Kate uploads
a picture of the two of them
with the caption,
818
00:43:11,216 --> 00:43:14,052
"‘Happy birthday to my BFF,
heart star champagne emoji.'
819
00:43:14,052 --> 00:43:16,513
Did she think I wasn't
gonna see it?"
820
00:43:16,513 --> 00:43:19,057
(laughter)
821
00:43:20,725 --> 00:43:24,437
(normal voice)
I like to think that
if the same situation
822
00:43:24,437 --> 00:43:27,399
had occurred in,
say, the year...
823
00:43:29,067 --> 00:43:32,237
- 1931...
- (scattered laughter)
824
00:43:32,237 --> 00:43:36,241
it would've gone down
a little more like this.
825
00:43:39,619 --> 00:43:41,454
(Flapper Girl accent)
"Hello, Maude?"
"Oh hiya, Blanche!
826
00:43:41,454 --> 00:43:43,039
Say, what’s the news
fit to print?"
827
00:43:43,039 --> 00:43:44,749
"Listen, Maude, you remember
that little soiree
828
00:43:44,749 --> 00:43:46,251
we had planned, dontcha?"
"Oh sure!
829
00:43:46,251 --> 00:43:48,378
You still wearing that
little red number? Hot dog!"
830
00:43:48,378 --> 00:43:49,921
"Well, honey, Mommy and Daddy
say no can do.
831
00:43:49,921 --> 00:43:51,256
Say it'd be better
just the three of us."
832
00:43:51,256 --> 00:43:53,258
"Oh, that’s just fine, Blanche!
Just fine indeed."
833
00:43:53,258 --> 00:43:54,759
"Well, so long!"
"So long!"
834
00:43:54,759 --> 00:43:56,052
(normal voice)
And that's it.
835
00:43:56,052 --> 00:43:58,930
(applause, cheering)
836
00:44:02,809 --> 00:44:05,311
Those women go
their separate ways
837
00:44:05,311 --> 00:44:08,231
and figure out what to do
838
00:44:08,231 --> 00:44:10,275
with their very recent
839
00:44:10,275 --> 00:44:13,820
right to vote.
They are busy.
840
00:44:13,820 --> 00:44:16,781
Look, I don't know what it was
like being a woman in the '30s,
841
00:44:16,781 --> 00:44:20,326
and I don't claim to,
but I have cried
842
00:44:20,326 --> 00:44:21,911
while washing the dishes before,
843
00:44:21,911 --> 00:44:23,955
and I think that's close!
844
00:44:23,955 --> 00:44:26,958
(laughter, applause)
845
00:44:32,714 --> 00:44:33,715
(sighs)
846
00:44:37,177 --> 00:44:41,806
I'd like to say something to you
now that we say in my culture.
847
00:44:41,806 --> 00:44:44,309
It is a word that means hello.
848
00:44:45,310 --> 00:44:47,812
It is a word that means peace.
849
00:44:49,522 --> 00:44:51,024
(scattered laughter)
850
00:44:51,024 --> 00:44:54,569
It is a word that means goodbye.
851
00:44:56,571 --> 00:44:58,073
The word, of course,
852
00:44:59,240 --> 00:45:00,742
is shalom.
853
00:45:02,327 --> 00:45:03,995
Shalom in the front.
854
00:45:03,995 --> 00:45:05,497
audience:
Shalom.
855
00:45:06,247 --> 00:45:09,542
- Shalom on the sides.
- audience: Shalom. (laughter)
856
00:45:09,542 --> 00:45:11,503
Shalom up top.
857
00:45:11,503 --> 00:45:14,631
- audience: Shalom.
- (scattered hooting)
858
00:45:14,631 --> 00:45:17,175
Everyone, please,
say it with me.
859
00:45:18,218 --> 00:45:19,219
all:
Shalom.
860
00:45:19,219 --> 00:45:21,805
That is all the Hebrew
that I know.
861
00:45:21,805 --> 00:45:24,683
- (laughter)
- (inhales)
862
00:45:24,683 --> 00:45:26,810
I’m a bad Jew,
863
00:45:26,810 --> 00:45:30,355
and that fact dawned on me
at a very difficult moment.
864
00:45:32,190 --> 00:45:34,859
I was at my grandmother's
funeral, a Jewish service,
865
00:45:34,859 --> 00:45:38,029
and as it came to a close,
the rabbi signaled to us
866
00:45:38,029 --> 00:45:40,907
to join her in a final prayer.
867
00:45:40,907 --> 00:45:44,452
She and everyone around me
began to sing.
868
00:45:45,203 --> 00:45:46,705
I panicked.
869
00:45:48,206 --> 00:45:50,709
- For I did not know the prayer.
- (scattered laughter)
870
00:45:53,086 --> 00:45:55,088
But then... (sighs)
871
00:45:57,048 --> 00:45:58,550
just then...
872
00:46:00,260 --> 00:46:03,054
the clouds parted,
873
00:46:04,264 --> 00:46:07,017
and as if God himself
874
00:46:07,017 --> 00:46:10,979
shined his light of
knowledge upon me,
875
00:46:12,564 --> 00:46:14,733
I began...
876
00:46:17,402 --> 00:46:19,612
to sing.
877
00:46:19,612 --> 00:46:22,657
- (lights click)
- (surprised murmuring)
878
00:46:27,078 --> 00:46:30,081
(singing Hebrew prayer)
879
00:46:34,419 --> 00:46:36,921
(scattered laughter)
880
00:46:36,921 --> 00:46:39,924
(singing Hebrew prayer)
881
00:46:44,262 --> 00:46:46,765
(laughter)
882
00:46:47,932 --> 00:46:50,935
(singing Hebrew prayer)
883
00:46:59,361 --> 00:47:01,363
(scattered laughter)
884
00:47:02,447 --> 00:47:05,450
- (singing Hebrew prayer)
- (laughter)
885
00:47:15,627 --> 00:47:18,630
(laughter)
886
00:47:19,381 --> 00:47:22,384
(singing Hebrew prayer)
887
00:47:30,809 --> 00:47:33,812
(laughter)
888
00:47:41,653 --> 00:47:43,655
(scattered laughter)
889
00:47:51,246 --> 00:47:53,289
(laughter)
890
00:47:53,998 --> 00:47:56,042
But how could I possibly know
the prayer?
891
00:47:56,042 --> 00:47:58,628
(laughter)
892
00:47:58,628 --> 00:48:01,673
(applause, cheering)
893
00:48:07,721 --> 00:48:11,224
The melody.
Every single lyric.
894
00:48:14,185 --> 00:48:16,855
I looked back to the sky.
895
00:48:16,855 --> 00:48:20,191
A single tear
fell from my eye.
896
00:48:20,191 --> 00:48:22,527
And then, I realized.
897
00:48:22,527 --> 00:48:25,989
"Oh, this is just the last song
in 'Schindler's List.'"
898
00:48:25,989 --> 00:48:28,700
(laughter)
899
00:48:28,700 --> 00:48:31,703
(applause, cheering)
900
00:48:43,882 --> 00:48:47,886
And if you can believe it, that
wasn't the strangest thing
901
00:48:47,886 --> 00:48:50,889
that happened that morning
at the cemetery.
902
00:48:50,889 --> 00:48:52,766
Before the service started,
903
00:48:52,766 --> 00:48:55,352
the hearse driver
in charge of the casket
904
00:48:55,352 --> 00:48:59,356
gave my older sibling and I
a tremendous amount of trouble
905
00:48:59,356 --> 00:49:02,734
when we volunteered
not only to be pallbearers,
906
00:49:02,734 --> 00:49:07,906
but to carry the heaviest part
of the casket. The front.
907
00:49:07,906 --> 00:49:11,117
He explained that it was a job
traditionally done by men,
908
00:49:11,117 --> 00:49:13,578
and that we wouldn't be
strong enough.
909
00:49:13,578 --> 00:49:15,080
Now,
910
00:49:15,080 --> 00:49:16,915
I don't wanna body shame,
911
00:49:16,915 --> 00:49:20,210
but this man was a pale,
912
00:49:20,210 --> 00:49:23,254
frail, grim-looking man
913
00:49:23,254 --> 00:49:25,382
with no hair
914
00:49:25,382 --> 00:49:27,967
aside from mutton chops
915
00:49:27,967 --> 00:49:31,429
and shaky, weathered hands.
916
00:49:31,429 --> 00:49:34,766
He looked like if Wolverine
couldn't heal himself.
917
00:49:34,766 --> 00:49:36,059
(laughter)
918
00:49:36,059 --> 00:49:37,769
And something you should know
about my family
919
00:49:37,769 --> 00:49:40,563
that provides context
to the story.
920
00:49:40,563 --> 00:49:42,774
I come from a very queer family.
921
00:49:42,774 --> 00:49:44,275
I am bisexual,
922
00:49:44,275 --> 00:49:46,778
I have two transgender siblings,
923
00:49:46,778 --> 00:49:50,323
my grandmother, who we were
laying to rest that morning,
924
00:49:50,323 --> 00:49:52,117
was an out-and-proud lesbian,
925
00:49:52,117 --> 00:49:55,412
and while my father is straight,
926
00:49:55,412 --> 00:49:57,789
he does cry when Julie Andrews
927
00:49:57,789 --> 00:50:00,333
hits the high note
in "The Sound of Music,"
928
00:50:00,333 --> 00:50:03,461
so what do you call that?
929
00:50:03,461 --> 00:50:05,755
(applause)
930
00:50:05,755 --> 00:50:08,675
I call it a man you can trust.
931
00:50:08,675 --> 00:50:11,761
(cheering)
932
00:50:11,761 --> 00:50:13,304
(laughter)
933
00:50:14,639 --> 00:50:15,640
(inhales)
934
00:50:17,475 --> 00:50:20,311
My grandmother came out
of the closet in 1962.
935
00:50:20,311 --> 00:50:23,314
She moved from Philadelphia
to California
936
00:50:23,314 --> 00:50:26,151
with two boys,
5 and 6 months old.
937
00:50:26,151 --> 00:50:29,154
She did it all on her own,
and the reason she survived
938
00:50:29,154 --> 00:50:31,614
and the reason she thrived
is because she advocated
939
00:50:31,614 --> 00:50:33,783
for herself
every step of the way.
940
00:50:33,783 --> 00:50:36,995
Her blood runs through my veins.
941
00:50:36,995 --> 00:50:39,372
So I'm actually not gonna let
942
00:50:39,372 --> 00:50:43,168
some Sweeney Todd cosplayer...
943
00:50:43,168 --> 00:50:46,629
(laughter)
944
00:50:46,629 --> 00:50:50,342
...tell me that
I'm not strong enough.
945
00:50:50,342 --> 00:50:51,843
I go back to the guy, I said,
"Hey,
946
00:50:51,843 --> 00:50:54,679
"it won't be a problem.
We're perfectly capable.
947
00:50:54,679 --> 00:50:57,349
We can handle it,
we can handle the weight.
948
00:50:57,349 --> 00:51:00,727
No issue here."
And he did that thing men do
949
00:51:00,727 --> 00:51:03,229
when they want you to know
they don't respect you.
950
00:51:03,229 --> 00:51:06,858
He avoided eye contact
and spoke to the nearest man.
951
00:51:07,609 --> 00:51:09,152
He said to my dad,
952
00:51:09,903 --> 00:51:12,072
"It's a job traditionally
done by men,
953
00:51:12,072 --> 00:51:13,531
and they won't be
strong enough."
954
00:51:13,531 --> 00:51:15,867
Hey, it was an early morning.
I'm not proud of this,
955
00:51:15,867 --> 00:51:18,703
but I said,
"Hey, Ghost of Christmas Past!"
956
00:51:18,703 --> 00:51:20,872
(laughter)
957
00:51:20,872 --> 00:51:22,540
"I was captain
of the cheerleading team
958
00:51:22,540 --> 00:51:24,584
"in high school.
This is hardly the first time
959
00:51:24,584 --> 00:51:27,087
I've carried a lesbian
who's gone limp."
960
00:51:27,087 --> 00:51:29,673
(cheering)
961
00:51:29,673 --> 00:51:32,717
(applause)
962
00:51:39,224 --> 00:51:41,726
Finally, he allowed it.
963
00:51:44,396 --> 00:51:45,897
And we walked,
964
00:51:47,107 --> 00:51:50,110
carrying my grandmother
to her final resting place.
965
00:51:52,153 --> 00:51:55,448
And as we did, I thought
about the legacy of her life,
966
00:51:56,991 --> 00:51:58,368
and I wondered
967
00:51:59,411 --> 00:52:01,413
if she would have been proud.
968
00:52:04,624 --> 00:52:07,335
I prayed for a sign.
969
00:52:09,087 --> 00:52:12,132
And we walked to her graveside,
970
00:52:12,132 --> 00:52:14,175
following the hearse driver.
971
00:52:15,510 --> 00:52:18,013
And as we approached
her grave...
972
00:52:22,267 --> 00:52:24,060
he fell in.
973
00:52:24,060 --> 00:52:27,772
(laughter)
974
00:52:35,280 --> 00:52:37,282
(audience quiets)
975
00:52:48,877 --> 00:52:51,921
(laughter)
976
00:52:51,921 --> 00:52:54,466
(mouthing)
977
00:53:05,560 --> 00:53:07,604
(laughter)
978
00:53:07,604 --> 00:53:10,190
Thank you, Los Angeles.
My name is Hannah Einbinder.
979
00:53:10,190 --> 00:53:11,649
- (applause)
- Goodnight.
980
00:53:11,649 --> 00:53:14,694
("J'ai Du L'Oublier"
by Manou Roblin playing)
981
00:53:14,694 --> 00:53:18,156
- (singing in French)
- (cheering)
982
00:53:35,048 --> 00:53:37,842
(thudding)
983
00:53:37,842 --> 00:53:40,887
(cheering continues)
984
00:53:55,902 --> 00:53:58,905
(singing in French continues)
985
00:54:16,089 --> 00:54:19,092
(singing in French continues)
986
00:54:53,793 --> 00:54:57,839
♪