WEBVTT FILE

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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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[audience cheering]

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[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome to the stage

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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-Mr. Jack Whitehall!
-[audience cheering and applauding]

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We having a drink this evening, London?

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-[audience cheering]
-Yeah!

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On the bevvies!

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I'm, uh…
I'm actually on the waters this evening.

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Um, I don't wanna start--

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No, I don't wanna start proceedings off
on a bum note,

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but I had a situation recently.

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I don't wanna say intervention.
That's a strong word.

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But no, basically,
some of my friends took me aside

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and said they were worried
I drink too much.

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I was like, "Shit, I'm gonna have
to do something about that."

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And I am proud to say,
that as of last week,

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I have just celebrated six months

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of not seeing them.

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[audience laughing]

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-Twelve steps away from those losers!
-[audience cheering]

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[audience laughing]

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I read an article recently…

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[laughs]

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Why do I say that I read an article?
I saw a TikTok.

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[audience laughing]

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And the TikTok said that red wine actually
has quite a lot of health benefits.

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-So, yeah.
-[man cheers]

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[Jack laughs]

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That was definitely an alcoholic,
not a doctor, cheering in the back there!

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[audience laughs]

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To be fair, that is when you know
that you drink too much,

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is when you've got a health benefit
for your alcoholic beverage of choice.

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I think, over the years,

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I may have collected one
for every drink. [chuckles]

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Let's put it to the test tonight, right?

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Shout out some
of your favorite alcoholic beverages.

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I'll try to give you
health benefits for them.

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[audience shouting]

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Okay, vodka in low amounts
can lower your cholesterol.

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Okay, white wine has ellagic acid in it,
which is good for your circulation.

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[man] Jägerbomb!

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Uh, Jägerbombs, uh, keep you alert
if you're driving late at night.

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[audience laughing]

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I'll take one more.

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Stella? "Fucking Stella!" [laughs]

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In his string vest, aye.

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Uh, um, I'll take you through the beers.
I heard Guinness over there as well.

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Stella is a lager which has riboflavin,

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which is good
for the production of red blood cells.

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You said Guinness,

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which is a stout, which has iron in it,
which helps with your immune system.

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And craft IPAs help you tell
which one of your friends is a bell end.

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[audience laughing]

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That's the big trend these days, isn't it?

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All of this non-alcoholic booze
you see everywhere.

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I'll tell you what. It's gone too far.

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The other day, I saw for sale
a bottle of non-alcoholic sambuca.

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[audience laughs]

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Who the fuck
is buying non-alcoholic sambuca?

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Newsflash,

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no one in the history of the world
has ever ordered a sambuca

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when they haven't been
completely shit-faced.

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[audience laughs]

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No one is drinking 'buca
for its wonderful flavor profile.

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It's not a beverage. It's a forfeit.

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It's the most minging drink in existence.

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It tastes like Bertie Bassett's ball sack.

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[audience laughing]

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It's so gross,
it's only serving suggestion is "on fire."

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There is no other drink on the market
that they do that with.

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"Oh, sommelier, can I get a bottle
of the 1986 Cabernet Sauvignon, please?"

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"Oh, no, don't decant it. Just rack it up,
chuck in a couple of coffee beans,

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and torch the fucker."

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Sambuca is so gross
that you could go on a night out,

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you could get so annihilated

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that you end up
picking a fight with a revolving door,

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getting chucked out of a nightclub
for defecating into a lady's handbag,

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and then wanking off a tramp
behind a wheelie bin.

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You would still wake up
the following morning

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and the thing you most regret
from the night before

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is that you drank sambuca.

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[audience laughing]

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It's crazy.

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We've got non-alcoholic booze now.

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We've got Beyond Meat.

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Vaping.

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They are taking away our vices.

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I called my drug dealer the other day.

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He offered me something called
I Can't Believe It's Not Cocaine!

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[audience laughing]

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I do try, as I get a little bit older,

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I try to interrogate
my relationship with alcohol a bit more.

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I genuinely think I drink as a crutch,

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'cause I think
I get quite bad social anxiety.

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Which people are surprised to hear,
'cause I do this for a living.

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But that's why I love a whiskey.
Whiskey is my drink.

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It's my go-to because what whiskey does
is it just tweaks my internal monologue.

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That little voice in your head.

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'Cause if I walk into a room sober,

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the voice in my head
is like a cross between

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my dad and Severus Snape.

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[audience laughs]

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I walk into a room sober, it's like…

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[sternly] "Nobody in this room likes you."

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[audience laughs]

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"Look how disappointed they are

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that you didn't bring
your daddy with you."

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[audience laughs]

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"Most of these cheapskates
probably don't even know who you are

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now that Netflix have clamped down
on password sharing."

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[audience laughs]

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"They're all looking over
at your ridiculous new haircut."

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"You thought by growing it out,

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you'd look like Kit Harington
from Game of Thrones."

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"And instead you've wound up looking like
a Tesco Value Richard Hammond."

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[audience laughing]

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That got far too much laughter
this evening.

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[audience laughing]

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I have a whiskey, right,
one scotch inside me,

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it's like that voice
miraculously transforms

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into a sort of Scottish hype man.

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One whiskey down, it's like,
"Oy, oy, Jacky boy!"

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"Of course you can fucking breakdance!"

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"I don't give a shite
if it's your grandmother's funeral!"

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[audience laughing]

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I mean, to be fair, that's what I'm like
after the Scottish whiskeys.

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If I've had a Japanese whiskey,
it sounds like this.

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Actually, I'm not gonna do
that one tonight. I…

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[audience laughing]

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[Jack giggles]

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I also, of course, blame
my social inadequacies on my upbringing.

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As many of you know,
I was sent to a boarding school age ten,

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because my parents
were financially well-off

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but emotionally bankrupt.

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[audience laughing]

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I know, obviously. Check my privilege.

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I know going to a school like that
is a ridiculously unfair leg up in life.

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If you needed any more proof that the arts
are far too polluted with toff actors,

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look no further than my school.

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Bloody everyone went there, all right?

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Emma Watson went there.
Robert Pattinson went there.

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Yeah, it was Hogwarts.
I went to Hogwarts. I, uh…

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Tom Hiddleston went there as well.

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And what this means is that
whenever they write about this school

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in newspapers and magazines
and articles and alike,

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they always get name-checked,

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and I am nowhere near it.

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It's like I am
the school's dirty little secret.

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Just swept underneath the rug.

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[audience laughing]

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Now, obviously, I have a very fragile ego,
and I had to go check the school's website

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to see if I'm on the list
of famous former pupils.

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I'm there, but you've got to scroll down
for about half an hour.

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I'm right down the bottom.

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What the fuck do you call this?

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[audience laughing]

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I'm underneath a rower!

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A fucking rower!

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And yes, he won a gold medal,

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but he was in a boat
where there was eight of them.

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An eighth of a gold medal?

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I've played the O2 Arena, bitch!

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[audience cheering and applauding]

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[Jack chuckles]

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What's funny is that bit is
so much easier to get on board with

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when I leave out the detail
that he was a Paralympian. [chuckles]

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-[audience laughs]
-No. No, too late.

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Too late. You've laughed at it now.

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Not nice. Shame on you, London.

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Laughing at the one-armed rower. Not nice.

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[audience laughing]

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I made that last bit--

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He's not a one-armed rower.
That is not factually accurate. [laughs]

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A one-armed rower,
that wouldn't work, would it?

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The boat would just go in a circle.
Stop it. No.

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[audience laughing]

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The point that I wanted to make is this.

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This is something that I've talked about,
this slight to my wafer-thin ego.

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I have complained about the fact
that my school have no pride in me

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on podcasts, radio interviews, television.

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I've really put it out there
into the world.

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Now, the moral of the story is this.

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Be very careful what you wish for.

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Six months ago,
there was a story about my school.

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It was about a teacher
that had been arrested

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because they had found
indecent images on his laptop.

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Newspaper headline,

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"Pervert teacher arrested

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at Jack Whitehall's former school."

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[audience laughing]

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Where is Emma Watson now?

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[audience laughing]

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This guy wasn't even a teacher
when I was there.

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They had a picture of me in the article.

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Scroll down
and there's Professor Noncey-Bollocks,

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and me grinning next to him
like I was his muse. [giggles]

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What the fuck is that?

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[audience laughing]

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Don't use that picture as well.

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That is the worst photo
that's ever been taken of me.

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That photo is so unattractive,

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if they had found that
on the teacher's laptop,

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he probably would've got away with it.

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[audience laughing]

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And they really felt the need as well
to do me dirty in the caption. Yeah.

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Really. They felt it was necessary
to point out that of these two images,

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the depraved pervert
was the one on the left.

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[audience laughing]

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Outrageous.

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[audience laughing]

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The weirdest reaction to this story,
hands down, was my mother's. Okay?

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I saw my mum about a week
after this article had been printed.

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Went to her house, she's in the kitchen,
big shit-eating grin on her face.

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She was like,
"I saw you in the newspaper."

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I was like, "Did you read the article?"

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"All publicity is good publicity."

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[audience laughs]

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"I don't think that holds up
in this context."

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"And, just to be clear, you know,
he did not… touch me up."

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Do you know what she said? "Oh, darling,
I wouldn't take it to heart."

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"You probably just weren't his type."

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What?!

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[audience laughing]

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This was the final kick in the bollocks.

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The final kick in the bollocks came
when I read the main body of the article,

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which I've brought to share with you.

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I'm over it.
I just thought I would share this detail.

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I took it down off my mum's fridge,
and I'm gonna read you this short extract.

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Now bearing in mind
I've already got issues with my billing

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when they write about this school,

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have a little listen to this
and see why it may have irked me.

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'Cause I wasn't
the only famous former pupil

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that they decided to debut
in this article.

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Listen now,
'cause it's subtle, mind. Ready?

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"Criminal proceedings have been
brought against David Chambers,

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a teacher at one of Britain's
most exclusive private schools,

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attended by famous former pupils
such as Jack Whitehall

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and Ghislaine Maxwell."

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[surprised laughter]

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We do not come as a pair!

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What on earth
was this journalist thinking?

243
00:10:35.720 --> 00:10:39.160
"I'm gonna write an article
about a pedophile teacher today."

244
00:10:39.240 --> 00:10:42.839
"I wonder who to name-check.
How about a convicted human trafficker

245
00:10:42.920 --> 00:10:45.400
and the star of Clifford the Big Red Dog?"

246
00:10:45.480 --> 00:10:48.280
[audience roaring with laughter]

247
00:10:50.760 --> 00:10:54.440
Don't put those pictures
next to each other in an article as well.

248
00:10:54.520 --> 00:10:58.120
For God's sake, it makes it look like
I'm leading Clifford out of the courtroom

249
00:10:58.199 --> 00:10:59.560
after he's given evidence.

250
00:10:59.640 --> 00:11:01.320
-[audience laughing]
-Naughty dog.

251
00:11:03.560 --> 00:11:05.959
I feel like we've bonded now.
We've formed a connection.

252
00:11:06.040 --> 00:11:09.079
I think now you're ready
for some of the hard-hitting material.

253
00:11:09.160 --> 00:11:11.360
This is a serious point that I wanna make.

254
00:11:11.440 --> 00:11:12.760
Is it just me…

255
00:11:14.360 --> 00:11:15.240
[audience laughs]

256
00:11:15.320 --> 00:11:17.640
Is it just me, or have those

257
00:11:18.240 --> 00:11:21.040
I-am-not-a-robot tests
started getting harder?

258
00:11:21.120 --> 00:11:22.440
[audience laughing]

259
00:11:22.520 --> 00:11:24.079
This isn't the serious bit yet.

260
00:11:24.160 --> 00:11:26.480
This is just one last thing
I have to get off my chest.

261
00:11:26.560 --> 00:11:28.839
What the fuck are they playing at?

262
00:11:28.920 --> 00:11:32.520
I have found bicycles
tucked away on roof racks,

263
00:11:32.600 --> 00:11:34.719
cars parked behind walls.

264
00:11:34.800 --> 00:11:38.199
The other day, I shit you not,
I was looking for the boats.

265
00:11:38.280 --> 00:11:40.280
One of them was up a fucking tree!

266
00:11:40.360 --> 00:11:42.199
[audience laughing]

267
00:11:42.280 --> 00:11:44.199
Has anyone else had that moment recently

268
00:11:44.280 --> 00:11:46.280
where you're doing
the I-am-not-a-robot test,

269
00:11:46.360 --> 00:11:48.959
you're on your own in your bedroom
in front of your laptop,

270
00:11:49.040 --> 00:11:52.680
and you have failed
the I-am-not-a-robot test so many times

271
00:11:52.760 --> 00:11:55.719
that you have that moment
where you stop and you go, "Fuck."

272
00:11:56.520 --> 00:11:59.120
-"Maybe I am a robot"?
-[audience laughing]

273
00:11:59.199 --> 00:12:03.000
"Maybe this is how robots realize
that they're robots."

274
00:12:03.079 --> 00:12:05.320
"'Cause they just can't work out

275
00:12:05.400 --> 00:12:09.000
whether a traffic light
consists of the box of lights

276
00:12:09.079 --> 00:12:11.560
or the post that it's on as well."

277
00:12:11.640 --> 00:12:13.440
[audience laughing]

278
00:12:13.520 --> 00:12:16.800
"I'm having an existential crisis here!"

279
00:12:16.880 --> 00:12:20.800
"I haven't been able to spot
ten traffic lights in a row."

280
00:12:20.880 --> 00:12:23.800
"I'm either a robot or a cyclist."

281
00:12:23.880 --> 00:12:25.719
[audience laughing]

282
00:12:25.800 --> 00:12:27.199
[applause]

283
00:12:27.280 --> 00:12:30.640
I just get so bored
with, like, cybersecurity.

284
00:12:30.719 --> 00:12:34.320
Oh my God. I fuck around now with the bank
when they take me through security.

285
00:12:34.400 --> 00:12:36.839
"Hello, sir. Gonna take you
through security today."

286
00:12:36.920 --> 00:12:40.199
"First up, what is
your mother's maiden name?"

287
00:12:40.280 --> 00:12:43.199
"Also Whitehall.
We like to keep the bloodline pure."

288
00:12:43.280 --> 00:12:46.320
[audience laughing]

289
00:12:46.400 --> 00:12:48.920
[Jack laughing]

290
00:12:49.000 --> 00:12:51.800
Or my favorite one,
"Where did you meet your spouse?"

291
00:12:51.880 --> 00:12:54.800
And my bank legally
has to accept the answer.

292
00:12:54.880 --> 00:12:56.240
"Just now, sweet cheeks."

293
00:12:56.320 --> 00:13:00.400
[audience laughing]

294
00:13:00.480 --> 00:13:02.520
My girlfriend got annoyed at me recently

295
00:13:02.599 --> 00:13:06.719
because she saw in my phone that I have
her number saved as her full name.

296
00:13:07.440 --> 00:13:10.280
She was like, "That's weird.
We've been going out for three years,

297
00:13:10.360 --> 00:13:12.240
and I'm saved as my full name?"

298
00:13:12.320 --> 00:13:15.160
"I am your girlfriend,
not a business associate."

299
00:13:16.000 --> 00:13:18.719
"I should be saved
as some cute little nickname."

300
00:13:18.800 --> 00:13:20.360
So I was like, "Okay, fine."

301
00:13:20.440 --> 00:13:23.400
I've changed it. She is now saved
as a cute little nickname.

302
00:13:23.480 --> 00:13:24.360
[audience laughs]

303
00:13:24.440 --> 00:13:26.920
Shall I tell you what it is?
It is a bit cheesy.

304
00:13:27.000 --> 00:13:28.800
Now don't judge, okay?

305
00:13:28.880 --> 00:13:31.800
She's now saved as
"One-night stand that never left."

306
00:13:31.880 --> 00:13:34.440
[audience laughing]

307
00:13:34.520 --> 00:13:37.000
It's all right.
I'm allowed to make that joke. Know why?

308
00:13:37.079 --> 00:13:40.959
Because what she had me saved as
in her phone, hundred times worse, okay?

309
00:13:41.040 --> 00:13:43.839
We'd been going out for six months,
six months into our relationship,

310
00:13:43.920 --> 00:13:49.160
and I saw on my girlfriend's phone
that my number was saved as "Jack,"

311
00:13:49.240 --> 00:13:51.880
and then in brackets, "London."

312
00:13:51.959 --> 00:13:53.199
What the fuck?

313
00:13:53.280 --> 00:13:55.120
[audience laughing]

314
00:13:55.199 --> 00:13:58.040
"I know a lot of Jacks."
"How many bloody Jacks?"

315
00:13:58.920 --> 00:14:01.199
She's the tech-savvy one
in our relationship.

316
00:14:01.280 --> 00:14:02.599
She's got an app for everything.

317
00:14:02.680 --> 00:14:05.360
She's got the Flo app, ladies.
Know about the Flo app?

318
00:14:05.440 --> 00:14:06.959
[women and Jack cheering]

319
00:14:07.040 --> 00:14:08.040
Sisters!

320
00:14:08.120 --> 00:14:10.360
I… [chuckles] Dunno what that was.

321
00:14:10.440 --> 00:14:12.800
No, the point is, the Flo app
is a really clever bit of kit.

322
00:14:12.880 --> 00:14:14.240
But there is one oversight with it,

323
00:14:14.320 --> 00:14:16.160
and that is
that there is not a feature on it

324
00:14:16.240 --> 00:14:18.680
where you can sync it up
to your partner's phone.

325
00:14:19.320 --> 00:14:20.880
She's ahead of me here.

326
00:14:20.959 --> 00:14:23.760
That would be
an absolute bloody game-changer.

327
00:14:23.839 --> 00:14:27.479
I'm not saying that I need
all of the nitty-gritty details,

328
00:14:27.560 --> 00:14:29.439
but how incredible would it be

329
00:14:29.520 --> 00:14:32.959
if the Flo app could just
ping a little alert to my phone

330
00:14:33.040 --> 00:14:37.000
to warn me of the three days each month
when I should shut the fuck up?

331
00:14:37.079 --> 00:14:38.880
[audience laughing]

332
00:14:38.959 --> 00:14:40.000
[Jack chuckles]

333
00:14:40.079 --> 00:14:42.280
[audience cheering and applauding]

334
00:14:42.360 --> 00:14:43.319
[Jack chuckles]

335
00:14:44.319 --> 00:14:45.400
[Jack laughs]

336
00:14:47.800 --> 00:14:50.880
She warned me in advance.
When we first started going out, she went,

337
00:14:50.959 --> 00:14:53.640
"I need to let you know in advance,
I get really bad PMS."

338
00:14:53.719 --> 00:14:57.000
"Like, really bad.
Like, five or six times a month."

339
00:14:57.079 --> 00:15:00.719
I was like, "I'm not a doctor, but I think
that might be something else. I… "

340
00:15:00.800 --> 00:15:03.560
[chuckles] Anyway, it turned out
it actually was something else,

341
00:15:03.640 --> 00:15:06.280
because all this time
she had undiagnosed diabetes,

342
00:15:06.360 --> 00:15:07.800
and that was the cause of this.

343
00:15:07.880 --> 00:15:09.959
Do we have any diabetics in this evening?

344
00:15:10.040 --> 00:15:12.240
-[scattered cheering]
-Whoo! Yeah, whoo! Yay!

345
00:15:12.319 --> 00:15:14.760
Wave your insulin pens in the air
like you just don't care!

346
00:15:15.400 --> 00:15:18.560
Don't do that! That's a very important
bit of kit. [chuckles]

347
00:15:18.640 --> 00:15:21.439
Yeah, so she is a member
of the diabetic community,

348
00:15:21.520 --> 00:15:23.360
and, actually, weirdly, bizarrely,

349
00:15:23.439 --> 00:15:26.240
it was the night
that I was hosting the BRIT Awards

350
00:15:26.319 --> 00:15:28.400
at the O2 Arena,
and this is where she got it.

351
00:15:28.479 --> 00:15:30.079
Not got it. [laughs]

352
00:15:30.160 --> 00:15:31.360
[audience laughing]

353
00:15:31.439 --> 00:15:33.920
She didn't "get it"
'cause it's not contagious.

354
00:15:34.000 --> 00:15:35.400
Bitten by another diabetic

355
00:15:35.479 --> 00:15:37.560
that mistook her
for a life-size Jelly Baby. No.

356
00:15:37.640 --> 00:15:39.479
-I… [laughs]
-[audience laughing]

357
00:15:39.560 --> 00:15:42.880
No, the night of the BRITs,
we found out, um, that she had diabetes

358
00:15:42.959 --> 00:15:46.800
because she had something called
a diabetic hyper, and she passed out.

359
00:15:46.880 --> 00:15:50.160
She fainted, uh, halfway through
Harry Styles's performance.

360
00:15:50.240 --> 00:15:52.959
[scattered cheering]

361
00:15:53.040 --> 00:15:56.880
Yes, I am aware.
That is quite coincidental timing.

362
00:15:57.400 --> 00:16:00.680
Don't worry, there were
a few raised eyebrows, not least from me.

363
00:16:00.760 --> 00:16:03.640
This paramedic backstage
trying to resuscitate her.

364
00:16:03.719 --> 00:16:06.959
"Oh my God, her blood sugar levels
are spiking dangerously."

365
00:16:07.040 --> 00:16:10.839
I was like, "Are we sure this isn't just
a 'Watermelon Sugar' high? Because…"

366
00:16:10.920 --> 00:16:12.000
[audience laughing]

367
00:16:12.079 --> 00:16:13.920
To be honest, I was experiencing

368
00:16:14.000 --> 00:16:16.079
quite a lot of the symptoms
of a diabetic hyper

369
00:16:16.160 --> 00:16:19.160
when I was watching
Harry Styles perform as well.

370
00:16:19.240 --> 00:16:21.160
Dizziness, shortness of breath.

371
00:16:21.240 --> 00:16:23.240
Erect-- Not erection, that's not one.

372
00:16:23.319 --> 00:16:25.880
[audience laughing]

373
00:16:25.959 --> 00:16:28.880
No, but anyway, yeah. So she ended up
being put into an ambulance

374
00:16:28.959 --> 00:16:30.719
and, uh, we got taken off to A&E,

375
00:16:30.800 --> 00:16:33.400
which certainly made
for a different vibe of after-party

376
00:16:33.479 --> 00:16:34.680
to what I was used to.

377
00:16:34.760 --> 00:16:38.199
Year before, I'd been hobnobbing
with Stormzy and Rag'n'Bone Man.

378
00:16:38.280 --> 00:16:40.160
Nice to see you again, by the way. I, uh--

379
00:16:40.240 --> 00:16:42.520
[Jack and audience laughing]

380
00:16:42.599 --> 00:16:45.040
You blanked me earlier. I couldn't--
It was… great.

381
00:16:45.120 --> 00:16:46.680
Anyway, no, I… [laughs]

382
00:16:46.760 --> 00:16:49.479
So, yes, I was having an after-party
the year before with them.

383
00:16:49.560 --> 00:16:53.800
This time round, I was in a hospital,
my girlfriend stricken to a bed

384
00:16:53.880 --> 00:16:57.319
with tubes coming out of her arms,
and me in the waiting room,

385
00:16:57.400 --> 00:17:00.760
genuinely worrying that I might never
see the love of my life again.

386
00:17:00.839 --> 00:17:02.120
-[audience] Aw.
-Thank you.

387
00:17:02.199 --> 00:17:05.200
No, at that point, we had no idea
when Harry would be back in the UK.

388
00:17:05.280 --> 00:17:06.879
[audience laughing]

389
00:17:06.960 --> 00:17:08.680
[Jack chuckling]

390
00:17:08.760 --> 00:17:11.640
I gotta say, this diabetes diagnosis,
it was a real shock.

391
00:17:11.720 --> 00:17:13.880
My girlfriend wouldn't
strike you as a diabetic.

392
00:17:13.960 --> 00:17:15.880
So you can picture her in your mind's eye,

393
00:17:15.960 --> 00:17:18.680
I will begrudgingly give you
this piece information about her.

394
00:17:18.760 --> 00:17:20.599
Um, before she dated me,

395
00:17:20.680 --> 00:17:25.800
she was linked to the actor, quite old,
you would've seen him in some stuff.

396
00:17:25.880 --> 00:17:27.159
Uh, bit of a tree hugger.

397
00:17:27.240 --> 00:17:28.600
Leonardo DiCaprio.

398
00:17:28.680 --> 00:17:29.840
-Uh…
-[audience laughs]

399
00:17:29.919 --> 00:17:31.600
Yeah. Leonardo Di-fucking-Caprio.

400
00:17:31.680 --> 00:17:35.560
That is a great act to have to follow.
Do you know how depressing that is?

401
00:17:36.159 --> 00:17:39.480
Mainly depressing knowing that the only
reason your girlfriend is with you

402
00:17:39.560 --> 00:17:41.440
is because she turned 26.

403
00:17:41.520 --> 00:17:42.800
[audience laughing]

404
00:17:42.880 --> 00:17:43.880
"Ticktock, off you pop."

405
00:17:43.960 --> 00:17:46.440
"Ooh, come here.
This Jack will never let go."

406
00:17:46.520 --> 00:17:49.120
-I, uh… [chuckles]
-[audience laughing]

407
00:17:50.560 --> 00:17:54.520
I mean, also depressing 'cause I'll never
be able to watch his films ever again.

408
00:17:54.600 --> 00:17:55.880
I used to love his movies.

409
00:17:55.960 --> 00:17:58.520
I can't watch them now.
All I can think about is them.

410
00:17:58.600 --> 00:18:00.840
Yeah. The Departed, Gangs of New York.

411
00:18:00.919 --> 00:18:03.760
Who am I kidding? Titanic.
I can't watch Titanic anymore.

412
00:18:03.840 --> 00:18:06.040
It gets to the end,
and I'm cheering on the iceberg.

413
00:18:06.120 --> 00:18:08.520
I'm like, "Go on, Rose!
Dunk him! Dunk him!"

414
00:18:08.600 --> 00:18:11.040
[audience laughing]

415
00:18:11.120 --> 00:18:13.960
And obviously, I know it's worse for her,
you know?

416
00:18:14.040 --> 00:18:16.880
She's had to trade in
the Wolf of Wall Street

417
00:18:16.960 --> 00:18:18.600
for the Labradoodle of London.

418
00:18:18.680 --> 00:18:22.080
[audience laughing]

419
00:18:23.640 --> 00:18:26.399
She has been amazing though
with her diabetes diagnosis. Honestly.

420
00:18:26.480 --> 00:18:28.320
She's really tried to own it,
my girlfriend.

421
00:18:28.399 --> 00:18:31.280
She tries to talk about it a lot,
educate people, raise awareness.

422
00:18:31.360 --> 00:18:34.440
She does these tutorials on her Instagram,
which are great.

423
00:18:34.520 --> 00:18:37.240
She only fucked up once, right,
and it was big fuck-up.

424
00:18:37.320 --> 00:18:40.440
She was doing a tutorial
about insulin injections,

425
00:18:40.520 --> 00:18:43.159
on Instagram, in the public domain,

426
00:18:43.240 --> 00:18:46.760
that ended with my girlfriend
using the phrase,

427
00:18:46.840 --> 00:18:49.919
"At the end of the day,
it's just a tiny prick."

428
00:18:50.000 --> 00:18:50.960
[audience laughs]

429
00:18:51.040 --> 00:18:52.640
"And I'm so used to it now,

430
00:18:52.720 --> 00:18:54.679
I can barely feel it go in."

431
00:18:54.760 --> 00:18:57.080
[audience laughing]

432
00:18:57.159 --> 00:18:59.480
I know those are the exact words
that she used,

433
00:18:59.560 --> 00:19:04.520
'cause that ten-second clip ended up
in every single one of my group chats,

434
00:19:04.600 --> 00:19:07.399
including the family WhatsApp group.

435
00:19:07.919 --> 00:19:11.679
It's how I discovered my dad knows
how to use both the magnifying glass

436
00:19:11.760 --> 00:19:13.399
and the aubergine emoji.

437
00:19:13.480 --> 00:19:16.520
[audience laughing]

438
00:19:16.600 --> 00:19:19.240
[scattered applause]

439
00:19:21.960 --> 00:19:24.080
Ha-fucking-ha.

440
00:19:24.159 --> 00:19:25.640
[audience laughing]

441
00:19:25.720 --> 00:19:29.360
That is the main department in which
it affects your relationship, diabetes.

442
00:19:29.440 --> 00:19:31.760
It means your pancreas
doesn't produce enough insulin,

443
00:19:31.840 --> 00:19:34.640
so you have to very carefully monitor
your blood sugar levels.

444
00:19:34.720 --> 00:19:38.120
And if you do any strenuous exercise,
they can dip very dangerously low.

445
00:19:38.200 --> 00:19:40.520
Now what that translates to in real life

446
00:19:40.600 --> 00:19:45.480
is that I can now tell exactly
how good of a performance I've put in

447
00:19:45.560 --> 00:19:47.120
in the bedroom

448
00:19:47.800 --> 00:19:50.960
by what my girlfriend
is having to snack on afterwards.

449
00:19:51.040 --> 00:19:52.520
-[audience laughs]
-[Jack chuckles]

450
00:19:52.600 --> 00:19:54.440
If I roll over after sex

451
00:19:54.520 --> 00:19:57.399
and she's tucking in
to an entire novelty Toblerone,

452
00:19:57.480 --> 00:20:00.200
I'm like, "Well played.
Bravo, Jack. Nice work."

453
00:20:00.280 --> 00:20:01.240
[audience laughs]

454
00:20:01.320 --> 00:20:03.720
If I roll over and she's popping in
a single Skittle,

455
00:20:03.800 --> 00:20:06.200
I'm like,
"Okay, could try harder next time."

456
00:20:06.280 --> 00:20:08.960
[audience laughing]

457
00:20:09.040 --> 00:20:10.800
She puts up with so much, bless her.

458
00:20:10.880 --> 00:20:13.240
I asked her,
"We've been going out for three years."

459
00:20:13.320 --> 00:20:16.720
"You can tell me honestly,
like, when we first started dating,

460
00:20:16.800 --> 00:20:18.760
were there any red flags?"

461
00:20:18.840 --> 00:20:22.200
She went, "Honestly,
there weren't any red flags."

462
00:20:22.280 --> 00:20:24.800
I was like,
"Oh my God, that's so cute." [chuckles]

463
00:20:24.880 --> 00:20:27.560
She went, "There were
quite a lot of rainbow flags."

464
00:20:27.640 --> 00:20:29.880
[audience laughing]

465
00:20:29.960 --> 00:20:33.120
I was like, "Oh my God."

466
00:20:33.200 --> 00:20:37.000
I nearly spilled my mimosa.
I couldn't believe it.

467
00:20:37.679 --> 00:20:39.960
"You have just ruined
this bottomless brunch."

468
00:20:40.040 --> 00:20:41.840
[audience laughing]

469
00:20:41.919 --> 00:20:44.919
To be fair, I do get that quite a lot.
Maybe in America--

470
00:20:45.000 --> 00:20:48.480
When I was living in America last year,
the amount of times Americans would say,

471
00:20:48.560 --> 00:20:52.480
[American accent] "Jack, we couldn't
work out whether you were British or gay."

472
00:20:52.560 --> 00:20:53.919
[audience laughing]

473
00:20:54.000 --> 00:20:57.320
I know. I was like, just 'cause
I hold out a little pinky finger

474
00:20:57.399 --> 00:20:59.679
whilst I'm sucking a cock? I…

475
00:20:59.760 --> 00:21:03.480
[audience laughing]

476
00:21:03.560 --> 00:21:07.080
Another thing I've realized
is we have completely different tastes.

477
00:21:07.159 --> 00:21:09.120
Which I don't think is unhealthy
in a relationship.

478
00:21:09.200 --> 00:21:11.000
Some people think that's true love,

479
00:21:11.080 --> 00:21:14.399
when you love all the same things
and finish off each other's sentences.

480
00:21:14.480 --> 00:21:15.600
Is it? Fuck.

481
00:21:15.679 --> 00:21:16.840
[audience laughs]

482
00:21:16.919 --> 00:21:18.240
True love is when you love them

483
00:21:18.320 --> 00:21:21.240
in spite of detesting
everything they're passionate about.

484
00:21:21.320 --> 00:21:22.760
[audience laughing]

485
00:21:22.840 --> 00:21:26.440
We can't agree on anything.
A comedian, television shows. Oh my God.

486
00:21:26.520 --> 00:21:29.800
My girlfriend loves that show
where they follow the dating lives

487
00:21:29.880 --> 00:21:31.560
of people with learning difficulties.

488
00:21:32.600 --> 00:21:34.159
Love Island. Love Island.

489
00:21:34.240 --> 00:21:36.240
[audience laughing]

490
00:21:37.360 --> 00:21:39.840
-[audience cheering and applauding]
-[Jack laughs]

491
00:21:42.320 --> 00:21:45.399
The other shows my missus loves.
Other ladies will be into these as well.

492
00:21:45.480 --> 00:21:47.640
She mainly likes watching them
very late at night.

493
00:21:47.720 --> 00:21:50.919
Normally, if we're in bed,
having a little cuddle, a little spoon.

494
00:21:51.000 --> 00:21:54.560
"Ooh, what shall we put on Netflix
as we doze off in each other's arms?"

495
00:21:54.640 --> 00:21:57.640
"Ooh, what about this?
The Connecticut Cannibal."

496
00:21:58.240 --> 00:22:01.520
What is it with you ladies
watching true crime

497
00:22:01.600 --> 00:22:03.640
right before you go to bed?

498
00:22:03.720 --> 00:22:07.480
And then having the temerity to wake up
the following morning and be like,

499
00:22:07.560 --> 00:22:11.720
"Oh my God,
I had such bad nightmares last night."

500
00:22:11.800 --> 00:22:13.200
I wonder why!

501
00:22:13.280 --> 00:22:16.600
You literally fell asleep
to a documentary about a serial killer

502
00:22:16.679 --> 00:22:19.120
that targets specifically diabetic women.

503
00:22:19.200 --> 00:22:21.560
[audience laughing]

504
00:22:21.640 --> 00:22:24.679
I can't watch anything with my missus
because of the questions.

505
00:22:24.760 --> 00:22:28.280
I've never experienced anything like it
in my entire life.

506
00:22:28.360 --> 00:22:32.679
There are 110-year-old women
in severe cognitive decline

507
00:22:32.760 --> 00:22:35.120
that would ask less questions
than my girlfriend

508
00:22:35.200 --> 00:22:37.040
when watching a television show.

509
00:22:37.120 --> 00:22:40.880
She needs a "previously on…"
at the beginning of every scene.

510
00:22:41.640 --> 00:22:44.880
She's like, "Who's he?
Wait, sorry, what's his name again?"

511
00:22:44.960 --> 00:22:48.240
"Is he a goodie or a baddie?
Why has he just said that to him?"

512
00:22:48.320 --> 00:22:51.280
[yells] "Why don't we listen
and maybe we'll find out?"

513
00:22:51.360 --> 00:22:53.480
"That's how a scene works!"

514
00:22:53.560 --> 00:22:57.080
"At the beginning of it, there will be
some things that we don't know."

515
00:22:57.159 --> 00:23:00.439
"And by the end of it,
we will have learned some more things."

516
00:23:00.520 --> 00:23:03.480
"These are the basic principles
of storytelling."

517
00:23:03.560 --> 00:23:07.360
"But we won't learn anything if we're
talking over all of the dialogue."

518
00:23:07.439 --> 00:23:11.960
"So how about from now on we ask all
of our questions with our inside voices?"

519
00:23:12.040 --> 00:23:13.399
[audience laughing]

520
00:23:13.480 --> 00:23:16.560
"Oh my God,
you are so passive-aggressive."

521
00:23:17.080 --> 00:23:18.720
"I was just trying to understand."

522
00:23:18.800 --> 00:23:20.960
"If you don't want me to,
I'll sit here in silence."

523
00:23:21.040 --> 00:23:23.520
"I'll just sit here confused
if that's what you want."

524
00:23:23.600 --> 00:23:27.320
Then ten seconds of respite. Ten seconds
of silence will befall the room.

525
00:23:27.399 --> 00:23:30.360
I'll be like, "Oh my God, I think
we finally made the breakthrough."

526
00:23:30.439 --> 00:23:33.840
Then the next scene starts,
and boom, on cue, it's up again.

527
00:23:33.919 --> 00:23:37.520
"Who's she? What's her name again?
Is she a goodie or a baddie?"

528
00:23:37.600 --> 00:23:40.560
"She is the protagonist,
and her name is Peppa Pig!"

529
00:23:40.640 --> 00:23:43.360
[audience laughing]

530
00:23:44.840 --> 00:23:46.800
I know, I shouldn't be
throwing her under the bus.

531
00:23:46.880 --> 00:23:50.200
I should be standing up for her.
That is my duty as her man.

532
00:23:50.280 --> 00:23:53.080
To be honest, that is the only time
I struggle in our relationship,

533
00:23:53.159 --> 00:23:55.120
is when I'm required to be the alpha.

534
00:23:55.919 --> 00:23:57.399
Fuck you. What was that?

535
00:23:57.480 --> 00:23:58.560
[audience laughs]

536
00:23:58.640 --> 00:24:00.720
Just one woman involuntary guffawing

537
00:24:00.800 --> 00:24:03.399
at the mere notion
of me being an alpha male.

538
00:24:03.480 --> 00:24:04.640
I can pull off alpha.

539
00:24:04.720 --> 00:24:07.760
Admittedly, this pose
is not helping me right now. [laughs]

540
00:24:07.840 --> 00:24:09.000
[audience laughing]

541
00:24:09.080 --> 00:24:10.640
I look like a wounded pigeon.

542
00:24:10.720 --> 00:24:13.560
[audience laughing]

543
00:24:13.640 --> 00:24:14.600
[Jack chuckles]

544
00:24:15.360 --> 00:24:19.000
No. But I'm held to this ridiculously
high standard, that's the problem,

545
00:24:19.080 --> 00:24:21.480
because the guy
that she was seeing just before me

546
00:24:21.560 --> 00:24:23.760
was like a proper man's man, right?

547
00:24:23.840 --> 00:24:28.240
He was from the north of England.
He drank beer. He played rugby league.

548
00:24:28.320 --> 00:24:31.560
He used to get into fights.
Yeah. Often on her behalf.

549
00:24:31.640 --> 00:24:35.280
If someone disrespected her,
he would knock them out.

550
00:24:35.360 --> 00:24:37.480
I said to her,
"Now you're going out with me, love."

551
00:24:37.560 --> 00:24:41.040
"If someone disrespects you, you're gonna
have to learn to take it on the chin."

552
00:24:41.120 --> 00:24:43.720
[audience laughing]

553
00:24:43.800 --> 00:24:45.640
I'm cut from a very different cloth.

554
00:24:46.159 --> 00:24:48.120
But now, anyone that so much
as looks at her funny,

555
00:24:48.200 --> 00:24:50.280
I'm expected to start a brouhaha,

556
00:24:50.360 --> 00:24:54.080
which, yes, is not my style,
as you may have guessed

557
00:24:54.159 --> 00:24:56.679
from the fact that
I use words like "brouhaha."

558
00:24:56.760 --> 00:24:58.520
[audience laughing]

559
00:24:58.600 --> 00:25:01.280
But also, ultimately, I'm a coward, okay?

560
00:25:01.360 --> 00:25:02.399
And as a coward,

561
00:25:02.480 --> 00:25:05.760
I can metabolize disrespect
very efficiently.

562
00:25:06.439 --> 00:25:08.159
She really struggles.

563
00:25:08.240 --> 00:25:11.880
We had one situation. I was doing shows
in Austin, Texas, in the States,

564
00:25:11.960 --> 00:25:15.199
and, uh, we went out after the show
to a sort of nightclub bar.

565
00:25:15.280 --> 00:25:17.199
And we're in line for this nightclub.

566
00:25:17.280 --> 00:25:19.360
At the front of the line,
there is a bouncer.

567
00:25:19.439 --> 00:25:21.199
And he was an absolute unit.

568
00:25:21.280 --> 00:25:23.280
He looked like an Aberdeen Angus
in a suit.

569
00:25:23.360 --> 00:25:24.199
[audience laughs]

570
00:25:24.280 --> 00:25:27.640
He was a bit rude to my girlfriend,
but what do you expect? He's a bouncer.

571
00:25:27.720 --> 00:25:29.840
He has not been employed for his bonhomie.

572
00:25:30.360 --> 00:25:32.159
Anyway, she is instantly on at me.

573
00:25:32.240 --> 00:25:35.640
"Oh my God. Did you hear that?
He just disrespected me."

574
00:25:35.720 --> 00:25:38.560
"He has just disrespected
your girl, Jack."

575
00:25:38.640 --> 00:25:42.240
"You gonna let that happen? Gonna let him
disrespect your girl like that?"

576
00:25:42.320 --> 00:25:45.919
"Are you just gonna stand there, Jack,
and do nothing about it?"

577
00:25:46.679 --> 00:25:47.520
"Yep."

578
00:25:47.600 --> 00:25:49.080
[audience laughing]

579
00:25:49.159 --> 00:25:51.439
"Have you seen the head on the fucker?"

580
00:25:51.520 --> 00:25:54.480
"I couldn't inflict any pain
upon this man."

581
00:25:54.560 --> 00:25:57.840
"At a push,
I could maybe hurt his feelings."

582
00:25:57.919 --> 00:26:00.000
"But that is all I have in my locker."

583
00:26:00.080 --> 00:26:02.520
"I am but a humble wordsmith, Roxy."

584
00:26:02.600 --> 00:26:04.800
"And whilst I am a firm believer
of the idiom

585
00:26:04.880 --> 00:26:07.040
'The pen is mightier than the sword,'

586
00:26:07.120 --> 00:26:08.640
we're in America right now,

587
00:26:08.720 --> 00:26:10.720
and these cunts have guns."

588
00:26:10.800 --> 00:26:13.040
[audience laughing]

589
00:26:13.120 --> 00:26:14.040
[Jack chuckles]

590
00:26:15.199 --> 00:26:17.199
-[audience applauding]
-It's true.

591
00:26:17.280 --> 00:26:20.919
[audience cheering and applauding]

592
00:26:21.000 --> 00:26:22.120
She was having none of it.

593
00:26:22.199 --> 00:26:25.159
All night, she kept going,
"Can't believe you let him dishonor me."

594
00:26:25.240 --> 00:26:27.320
That was the word
she kept using, "dishonor."

595
00:26:27.399 --> 00:26:30.080
"Yes, I let him dishonor you
because we were in line for a nightclub,

596
00:26:30.159 --> 00:26:31.720
not medieval France."

597
00:26:31.800 --> 00:26:33.000
[audience laughing]

598
00:26:33.080 --> 00:26:35.080
Maybe that's what I need to do
next time it happens.

599
00:26:35.159 --> 00:26:37.120
Next time that a bouncer "dishonors" her,

600
00:26:37.199 --> 00:26:39.880
I just need to go full costume drama
on his arse.

601
00:26:40.399 --> 00:26:42.960
Right. Next time a bouncer
is rude to her, okay,

602
00:26:43.040 --> 00:26:46.679
I am gonna stride up to the front
of the line at Wetherspoon's. Huh?

603
00:26:46.760 --> 00:26:47.880
[audience laughing]

604
00:26:47.960 --> 00:26:49.880
I'll whip off one of my socks,

605
00:26:49.960 --> 00:26:52.080
slap him across the face,

606
00:26:52.159 --> 00:26:54.199
"I demand satisfaction!"

607
00:26:54.800 --> 00:26:58.120
"You have besmirched the honor
of this fine young maiden."

608
00:26:58.199 --> 00:27:02.399
"Well, today is the day you will be forced
to masticate upon your rancorous slurs,

609
00:27:02.480 --> 00:27:05.399
you protein-guzzling,
sausage-fingered chode!"

610
00:27:05.480 --> 00:27:09.320
"I summon you to the car park
immediately for fisticuffs!"

611
00:27:09.399 --> 00:27:12.320
"It's time to meet
your dancing partners for this evening,

612
00:27:12.399 --> 00:27:15.520
Lord Left-Hook and Lady Lights-Out."

613
00:27:15.600 --> 00:27:18.720
"I float like a butterfly,
I sting like a bee."

614
00:27:18.800 --> 00:27:22.439
"And I've got hips like Shakira,
'cause I regularly ski."

615
00:27:22.520 --> 00:27:24.320
[audience laughing]

616
00:27:24.399 --> 00:27:28.960
[audience cheering and applauding]

617
00:27:29.040 --> 00:27:30.040
[Jack chuckles]

618
00:27:31.199 --> 00:27:33.520
You see, this is my problem.
I'm not a violent guy,

619
00:27:33.600 --> 00:27:37.280
but put a couple of drinks in me,
I just love me a little bit of mischief.

620
00:27:38.040 --> 00:27:40.080
Like, the other one I did,
I'm not proud of this.

621
00:27:40.159 --> 00:27:42.640
This was a couple of years ago
in my misspent youth.

622
00:27:42.720 --> 00:27:46.840
I was in Ibiza, the party island,
having a rave in one of the clubs, and…

623
00:27:46.919 --> 00:27:50.080
Yeah, let's just say
some drink had been taken. [chuckles]

624
00:27:50.159 --> 00:27:52.040
And possibly some additionals. [chuckles]

625
00:27:52.120 --> 00:27:53.000
[audience laughs]

626
00:27:53.080 --> 00:27:56.280
I was in Ibiza,
my jaw was on the mainland. Like…

627
00:27:56.360 --> 00:27:58.080
[Jack and audience laughing]

628
00:27:58.159 --> 00:27:59.480
Anyway, in this state,

629
00:27:59.560 --> 00:28:01.800
one of my friends dared me

630
00:28:01.880 --> 00:28:06.120
to undo a stranger's man bun.

631
00:28:06.199 --> 00:28:07.720
[surprised laughter]

632
00:28:07.800 --> 00:28:09.880
I was like, "Oh my God,

633
00:28:09.960 --> 00:28:12.720
that is a marvelous idea!"

634
00:28:12.800 --> 00:28:14.000
[audience laughs]

635
00:28:14.080 --> 00:28:18.399
"I shall be like a vigilante,
making the world a better place,

636
00:28:18.480 --> 00:28:21.159
ridding it of bell ends,
one man bun at a time."

637
00:28:21.240 --> 00:28:23.120
[audience laughing]

638
00:28:23.199 --> 00:28:26.080
I found my prey, right?
He was, like, a proper lad.

639
00:28:26.159 --> 00:28:30.640
He had the sleeve tattoos. Spray-on jeans.
That little fanny-pack across his chest.

640
00:28:30.720 --> 00:28:33.520
Top knot flapping around
like nobody's business.

641
00:28:33.600 --> 00:28:36.280
He looked like
a 'roided-up My Little Pony.

642
00:28:36.360 --> 00:28:37.720
"Fuckin' 'ell."

643
00:28:37.800 --> 00:28:39.080
[audience laughing]

644
00:28:39.159 --> 00:28:40.800
I stalked my prey for a bit. I was like,

645
00:28:40.880 --> 00:28:44.639
"Right. I reckon I can get
this man bun off without him realizing."

646
00:28:44.720 --> 00:28:45.720
Spoiler alert,

647
00:28:45.800 --> 00:28:46.959
you can't.

648
00:28:47.040 --> 00:28:48.399
[audience laughing]

649
00:28:48.480 --> 00:28:49.720
I creep up behind him.

650
00:28:49.800 --> 00:28:52.240
And then I'm sort of drunkenly hovering
above his head,

651
00:28:52.320 --> 00:28:54.399
like one of those claws in the fairground.

652
00:28:54.480 --> 00:28:58.240
At which point, I'm not gonna lie,
I sobered up very quickly.

653
00:28:58.760 --> 00:29:01.600
I managed to get hold of the man bun
without him realizing.

654
00:29:01.679 --> 00:29:04.600
Then as I popped it off,
he clocked what was going on.

655
00:29:04.679 --> 00:29:08.800
He turns around, furious,
hair tumbling down his face.

656
00:29:08.879 --> 00:29:11.679
He was like,
"Why the fuck did you do that?"

657
00:29:11.760 --> 00:29:13.800
I said, "Because you're worth it."

658
00:29:13.879 --> 00:29:17.439
[audience laughing]

659
00:29:20.040 --> 00:29:23.040
I definitely delivered that last line
just like that. [chuckles]

660
00:29:23.120 --> 00:29:24.800
There was a lot of music in the club,

661
00:29:24.879 --> 00:29:26.879
so he may have heard it
come out of my mouth as,

662
00:29:26.959 --> 00:29:29.159
[high-pitched] "I'm really sorry.
Here's your scrunchie."

663
00:29:29.240 --> 00:29:31.080
[audience laughing]

664
00:29:31.159 --> 00:29:32.080
[Jack chuckles]

665
00:29:34.280 --> 00:29:37.879
I feel like I may have fucked my hair
for the rest of this recording now.

666
00:29:37.959 --> 00:29:39.720
Oh God, no. Is that better?

667
00:29:39.800 --> 00:29:40.679
[audience laughs]

668
00:29:40.760 --> 00:29:43.840
Where was I? Oh, yes.
So, being silly. Foolish behavior.

669
00:29:43.919 --> 00:29:46.879
Honestly, what the fuck am I doing
showing off about that?

670
00:29:46.959 --> 00:29:51.240
That is not behavior becoming of a man
teetering on the precipice of middle age.

671
00:29:51.320 --> 00:29:54.600
Honestly, this feels like the last show
I'll be able to get away with that.

672
00:29:54.679 --> 00:29:57.360
Showing off about lame drunken hijinks.

673
00:29:57.439 --> 00:29:59.639
Because also, as many of you are aware,

674
00:29:59.720 --> 00:30:03.159
I am about to reach
the boss level of adulting,

675
00:30:03.240 --> 00:30:05.919
because my girlfriend is now pregnant.

676
00:30:06.000 --> 00:30:09.720
[audience cheering and applauding]

677
00:30:17.679 --> 00:30:18.720
It's not mine.

678
00:30:18.800 --> 00:30:20.439
[audience laughing]

679
00:30:20.520 --> 00:30:22.399
Now, this… this is a lovely picture.

680
00:30:22.480 --> 00:30:23.679
Yeah, thank you.

681
00:30:23.760 --> 00:30:26.639
It's cute. It's just a little candid snap
we took at home, you know?

682
00:30:26.720 --> 00:30:30.040
Just, uh, for our family and friends
at Hello! magazine.

683
00:30:30.120 --> 00:30:31.040
And we-- No.

684
00:30:31.120 --> 00:30:32.000
[audience laughs]

685
00:30:32.080 --> 00:30:34.240
That's the picture she wanted to use. Uh…

686
00:30:34.320 --> 00:30:36.240
I thought this was
a more accurate reflection

687
00:30:36.320 --> 00:30:38.040
of my state of mind at the time.

688
00:30:38.879 --> 00:30:40.520
-[audience laughing]
-[Jack chuckles]

689
00:30:40.600 --> 00:30:44.120
Oh, come on. You'd look like that
if you'd just seen what I saw.

690
00:30:44.199 --> 00:30:46.639
Can you not see the likeness? Seriously?

691
00:30:46.720 --> 00:30:49.840
[audience laughing]

692
00:30:53.840 --> 00:30:56.080
No, it is my kid. That's the reality.

693
00:30:56.159 --> 00:30:58.480
And it's, it's, it's…
You know, it's happening.

694
00:30:58.560 --> 00:31:02.159
And it's crazy because, you know,
it's not like there's any trial period.

695
00:31:02.240 --> 00:31:04.439
There's no returns policy.

696
00:31:04.520 --> 00:31:07.639
You accidentally drop it in the bath,
you can't just put it in a jar of rice

697
00:31:07.720 --> 00:31:08.879
and cross your fingers.

698
00:31:08.959 --> 00:31:10.439
[audience laughing]

699
00:31:10.520 --> 00:31:12.360
And obviously, I tried to seek out advice

700
00:31:12.439 --> 00:31:14.520
before making
this monumental life decision.

701
00:31:14.600 --> 00:31:16.800
But so it's hard.
You can't ask other parents.

702
00:31:16.879 --> 00:31:19.959
You ask other parents about having a kid,
there is no middle ground.

703
00:31:20.040 --> 00:31:21.120
One end of the spectrum,

704
00:31:21.199 --> 00:31:24.399
you have those parents that talk about it
with demented enthusiasm.

705
00:31:24.480 --> 00:31:26.080
The miracle of childbirth,

706
00:31:26.159 --> 00:31:28.679
like they're the only people
to have ever done it.

707
00:31:28.760 --> 00:31:32.399
"Oh my God, you've got to get one.
It is gonna change your life."

708
00:31:32.919 --> 00:31:35.879
Like those fuckers with air fryers.
It's just a bit, "Okay."

709
00:31:35.959 --> 00:31:37.760
[audience laughing]

710
00:31:37.840 --> 00:31:39.320
The other end of the spectrum

711
00:31:39.399 --> 00:31:43.399
you've got those parents
that are like Vietnam War veterans.

712
00:31:43.919 --> 00:31:46.320
Thousand-yard stare. Covered in baby sick.

713
00:31:46.399 --> 00:31:49.120
"Don't do it, man. You weren't there!"

714
00:31:49.199 --> 00:31:50.480
[audience laughing]

715
00:31:50.560 --> 00:31:53.679
I had one of this lot, the 'Nam vets,
drunk at a wedding,

716
00:31:53.760 --> 00:31:57.320
just launch into me
with a load of uninvited life advice.

717
00:31:57.399 --> 00:32:02.360
She was like, "Let me tell you
what you need to do, Jack, while you can."

718
00:32:02.439 --> 00:32:05.360
"You need to make the most of your life,

719
00:32:05.439 --> 00:32:08.080
'cause I tell you
what is gonna happen, right,

720
00:32:08.159 --> 00:32:12.560
is you're gonna get married,
and then you're gonna have a baby,

721
00:32:12.639 --> 00:32:16.679
and your life is gonna be over."

722
00:32:16.760 --> 00:32:18.439
[audience laughing]

723
00:32:18.520 --> 00:32:20.399
"Okay, Mum. Thanks for the pep talk."

724
00:32:20.480 --> 00:32:23.360
[audience laughing]

725
00:32:23.439 --> 00:32:26.439
"You are aware this Sambuca
you're drinking is non-alcoholic?"

726
00:32:26.520 --> 00:32:28.399
[audience laughing]

727
00:32:28.480 --> 00:32:31.959
I managed to do what a lot of men do,
uh, in this situation.

728
00:32:32.560 --> 00:32:35.159
Delaying it, all right.
I-I-I got a dog first.

729
00:32:35.240 --> 00:32:37.199
That's what a lot of, uh, chaps do.

730
00:32:37.280 --> 00:32:41.120
We had actually, quite sadly, been through
some personal tragedy at the time,

731
00:32:41.199 --> 00:32:43.280
and it felt like
the only option at that point

732
00:32:43.360 --> 00:32:45.439
was either to go to therapy or get a dog.

733
00:32:45.520 --> 00:32:47.040
I was like, "Tell me about therapy."

734
00:32:47.120 --> 00:32:49.360
"Talking to a stranger for an hour
about my feelings?"

735
00:32:49.439 --> 00:32:51.159
"What breed shall we get?"

736
00:32:51.240 --> 00:32:52.320
[audience laughs]

737
00:32:52.399 --> 00:32:54.879
So she wanted a dog for emotional support.

738
00:32:54.959 --> 00:32:56.480
I wanted a guard dog.

739
00:32:56.560 --> 00:32:58.719
I wanted a proper hound.

740
00:32:58.800 --> 00:33:03.360
You know, the kind of dog you might see
tattooed onto the arm of a Millwall fan.

741
00:33:04.000 --> 00:33:07.120
Kinda dog that gets you
a little bit of distance and respect

742
00:33:07.199 --> 00:33:09.080
when you're walking
down the street with it

743
00:33:09.159 --> 00:33:10.919
on the way to the fuckin' boozer

744
00:33:11.000 --> 00:33:14.159
to have a couple of lagers
with the boys. Yeah.

745
00:33:15.280 --> 00:33:17.360
We compromised and got a toy poodle.

746
00:33:17.439 --> 00:33:19.520
[audience laughing]

747
00:33:19.600 --> 00:33:23.399
I wanted a hound. This thing looks like
it came out of a Kinder Surprise.

748
00:33:24.240 --> 00:33:27.679
It's the opposite of a guard dog.
I've been abused because of my dog.

749
00:33:27.760 --> 00:33:30.120
I was in a pub in Walthamstow
with my mates.

750
00:33:30.199 --> 00:33:32.439
Old geezer at the bar
looks over at me and my dog.

751
00:33:32.520 --> 00:33:35.719
He's like, "'Ere, mate,
does your dog come in a men's?"

752
00:33:36.240 --> 00:33:38.959
Ooh, fucking shots fired!

753
00:33:39.040 --> 00:33:41.560
I was like, "I wouldn't judge a book
by its cover, buddy."

754
00:33:41.639 --> 00:33:45.000
"You look at her the wrong way,
she will rip your throat out."

755
00:33:45.080 --> 00:33:48.600
"You'd better pray
she doesn't get out of this handbag."

756
00:33:48.679 --> 00:33:51.480
[audience laughing]

757
00:33:52.679 --> 00:33:53.520
[chuckles]

758
00:33:54.120 --> 00:33:57.560
We got the lamest breed. "It's fine.
We'll make up for it with the name."

759
00:33:57.639 --> 00:33:59.320
Know what she wanted
to call the toy poodle?

760
00:33:59.399 --> 00:34:01.959
My girlfriend
wanted to call our toy poodle

761
00:34:02.040 --> 00:34:03.000
Beyoncé.

762
00:34:03.080 --> 00:34:05.800
-[audience roaring with laughter]
-Absolutely not. No way.

763
00:34:05.879 --> 00:34:09.400
That's when the foot came down.
We're not having a dog called Beyoncé.

764
00:34:09.480 --> 00:34:12.480
I am not shouting that out in public.

765
00:34:12.560 --> 00:34:14.600
Can you imagine me in a park,

766
00:34:14.679 --> 00:34:19.319
a little toy poodle yapping around,
me being like, "Beyoncé! Hey, Beyoncé!"

767
00:34:19.400 --> 00:34:21.199
"You come back to your daddy!"

768
00:34:21.280 --> 00:34:24.480
No, I'm sorry.
I'd sooner let the dog just run away.

769
00:34:24.560 --> 00:34:26.440
I don't care
what my girlfriend has to say.

770
00:34:26.520 --> 00:34:28.760
"Oh my God, Jack,
what happened to the dog?"

771
00:34:28.839 --> 00:34:31.239
"If you liked it,
you should've put a lead on it."

772
00:34:31.319 --> 00:34:33.319
[audience laughing]

773
00:34:33.400 --> 00:34:35.280
[audience applauding]

774
00:34:35.360 --> 00:34:39.760
[audience cheering and applauding]

775
00:34:41.120 --> 00:34:42.880
She keeps calling me its daddy as well.

776
00:34:42.960 --> 00:34:44.719
I'm like, I'm not its daddy,
I'm its master.

777
00:34:44.799 --> 00:34:46.839
We will have standards in this house.

778
00:34:46.920 --> 00:34:51.000
She's like, "No, you should treat the dog
just like you'd treat our actual child."

779
00:34:51.080 --> 00:34:53.960
Straight on Google,
"Are there boarding schools for dogs?"

780
00:34:54.040 --> 00:34:56.560
[audience laughing]

781
00:34:56.639 --> 00:34:58.520
I caught her calling it a rescue dog.

782
00:34:58.600 --> 00:35:01.480
I was like, "It's not a rescue dog.
I paid a woman on the Internet for it."

783
00:35:01.560 --> 00:35:05.280
She's like, "No, but the dog rescued me."
That's not what rescue dog means.

784
00:35:05.360 --> 00:35:06.280
[audience laughs]

785
00:35:06.360 --> 00:35:10.560
This woman, the breeder.
Oh my God, she saw us coming a mile off.

786
00:35:10.640 --> 00:35:12.000
It was a lockdown dog.

787
00:35:12.080 --> 00:35:14.560
Do you know what she wanted
for the toy poodle?

788
00:35:14.640 --> 00:35:17.400
Five thousand pounds.

789
00:35:18.240 --> 00:35:20.839
I was like,
"Nice to meet a fellow comedian."

790
00:35:20.920 --> 00:35:22.160
[audience laughs]

791
00:35:22.240 --> 00:35:25.640
Absolutely no way
am I forking that out for a dog.

792
00:35:25.720 --> 00:35:28.920
You are getting negotiated down,
don't you worry about that.

793
00:35:29.000 --> 00:35:30.440
We had to meet the dog first.

794
00:35:30.520 --> 00:35:32.200
I'd been warned, don't do it in person,

795
00:35:32.280 --> 00:35:34.640
'cause you hold the dog,
feel the dog, smell the dog,

796
00:35:34.720 --> 00:35:37.640
you fall in love, you're fucked.
You hand the money over on the spot.

797
00:35:37.720 --> 00:35:39.799
I said, "We'll do a Zoom."

798
00:35:39.880 --> 00:35:42.799
Yes. Keep a little bit of distance.

799
00:35:42.880 --> 00:35:45.760
So we arranged a Zoom
so that Roxy could see the dog,

800
00:35:45.839 --> 00:35:47.400
and the woman that wanted five grand

801
00:35:47.480 --> 00:35:49.720
could see that
I don't have the word "twat" there.

802
00:35:49.799 --> 00:35:51.560
[audience laughing]

803
00:35:51.640 --> 00:35:53.200
And I prepped Roxy for this Zoom.

804
00:35:53.280 --> 00:35:56.799
I said, "It's vitally important
when we get onto Zoom with this charlatan,

805
00:35:56.880 --> 00:35:58.040
you don't act too keen."

806
00:35:58.120 --> 00:36:02.400
"Because if you act too keen, you will
compromise my negotiating position."

807
00:36:02.480 --> 00:36:06.760
"So we must wear our poker faces.
Cool, calm, collected."

808
00:36:06.839 --> 00:36:08.920
"Those are our bywords."

809
00:36:09.000 --> 00:36:12.400
The Zoom starts, the breeder holds
this little puppy up to the camera.

810
00:36:12.480 --> 00:36:14.280
The puppy, achoo, sneezes.

811
00:36:14.360 --> 00:36:16.680
My girlfriend instantly starts crying.

812
00:36:16.760 --> 00:36:18.000
"Oh my God!"

813
00:36:18.080 --> 00:36:21.200
"It's the most beautiful creature
I've ever seen!"

814
00:36:21.280 --> 00:36:22.960
"I'm in love!"

815
00:36:23.040 --> 00:36:27.480
"Oh my God, Jack,
I'll kill myself if I can't have her!"

816
00:36:27.560 --> 00:36:29.160
[audience laughing]

817
00:36:29.240 --> 00:36:31.640
"Well done. Just as we'd rehearsed."

818
00:36:31.720 --> 00:36:35.000
"Thanks very much, Roxy,
for pulling down my trousers,

819
00:36:35.080 --> 00:36:38.520
lubing me up, and bending me
over the barrel for this woman."

820
00:36:38.600 --> 00:36:39.480
[audience laughs]

821
00:36:39.560 --> 00:36:41.319
Six thousand pounds.

822
00:36:41.400 --> 00:36:45.839
I paid six grand
for a barking toilet brush.

823
00:36:45.920 --> 00:36:48.480
[audience laughing]

824
00:36:48.560 --> 00:36:51.240
And a faulty one as well.
Yeah. I got sold a faulty dog.

825
00:36:51.319 --> 00:36:54.040
It's a beautiful creature,
don't get me wrong, but it is faulty.

826
00:36:54.120 --> 00:36:57.960
The breeder dropped it round a week later.
She's outside my house in her new Porsche.

827
00:36:58.040 --> 00:37:00.000
"Hi!" "Fuck you."

828
00:37:00.080 --> 00:37:01.040
[audience laughing]

829
00:37:01.120 --> 00:37:02.760
Hands me this dog, and it's faulty.

830
00:37:02.839 --> 00:37:06.000
It's got an underbite.
It's got breathing issues.

831
00:37:06.080 --> 00:37:07.640
Hasn't got enough nipples.

832
00:37:08.560 --> 00:37:09.480
[chuckles]

833
00:37:09.560 --> 00:37:11.080
Admittedly, "Hasn't got enough nipples"

834
00:37:11.160 --> 00:37:13.280
makes it sound like
there was a number I was hoping for.

835
00:37:13.359 --> 00:37:16.000
I don't care how many nipples a dog has,

836
00:37:16.080 --> 00:37:18.040
I just know
there shouldn't be seven of them.

837
00:37:18.640 --> 00:37:20.240
There should not be a prime number.

838
00:37:20.319 --> 00:37:23.400
There should be a divisible
amount of nipples on a dog.

839
00:37:23.480 --> 00:37:26.080
I was like, "Roxy, take a photograph
of this animal's undercarriage,

840
00:37:26.160 --> 00:37:27.200
send it to the breeder."

841
00:37:27.280 --> 00:37:28.600
"I want some money back."

842
00:37:28.680 --> 00:37:31.160
She was like, "Why would we get money back
for a missing nipple?"

843
00:37:31.240 --> 00:37:33.280
"I don't care. Make up a reason."

844
00:37:33.359 --> 00:37:37.120
"Say it's why we bought the dog
in the first place, for milking purposes."

845
00:37:37.200 --> 00:37:39.520
"We're trying
to wean ourselves off oat milk

846
00:37:39.600 --> 00:37:43.000
and we weren't getting enough of a yield
from the hamster. I don't care!"

847
00:37:43.080 --> 00:37:44.880
[audience laughing]

848
00:37:44.960 --> 00:37:47.799
'Cause I can't do anything either.
It's completely feral.

849
00:37:47.880 --> 00:37:50.440
For six grand, I was expecting it
to be able to do cartwheels

850
00:37:50.520 --> 00:37:52.240
and make me breakfast in bed.

851
00:37:52.319 --> 00:37:54.560
It can't sit or fetch or stay.

852
00:37:55.080 --> 00:37:57.000
Got its own Instagram account, though.

853
00:37:57.880 --> 00:38:01.200
She thought that was a priority,
to set it up as a dog influencer.

854
00:38:01.720 --> 00:38:04.280
Now my girlfriend runs
this preposterous account as the dog.

855
00:38:04.359 --> 00:38:08.040
She posts pictures as the dog.
She sends me messages as the dog.

856
00:38:08.560 --> 00:38:11.240
Yeah. Sometimes that's quite sweet,
sometimes less so.

857
00:38:11.319 --> 00:38:15.080
Especially when the tone of the messages
you are receiving from your own dog

858
00:38:15.160 --> 00:38:16.400
are a little bit spicy.

859
00:38:16.480 --> 00:38:17.480
[audience laughs]

860
00:38:17.560 --> 00:38:18.960
As was the case the other night.

861
00:38:19.040 --> 00:38:21.080
I was in the pub with my friends
watching football.

862
00:38:21.160 --> 00:38:25.520
All of a sudden, my DMs are getting lit up
by an angry poodle.

863
00:38:26.400 --> 00:38:28.680
"Do you think it's acceptable
to go out drinking

864
00:38:28.760 --> 00:38:30.720
and not tell me
what time you're coming home?"

865
00:38:30.799 --> 00:38:32.000
"Ooh, I don't know, Beyoncé."

866
00:38:32.080 --> 00:38:34.480
"No less acceptable
than shitting on the carpet."

867
00:38:34.560 --> 00:38:35.520
[audience laughing]

868
00:38:35.600 --> 00:38:37.400
I had to turn to my mates and be like,

869
00:38:37.480 --> 00:38:39.359
"I'm really sorry.
I think I have to go home

870
00:38:39.440 --> 00:38:41.600
because I'm getting grief from Beyoncé."

871
00:38:41.680 --> 00:38:43.080
I feel like Jay-Z,

872
00:38:43.160 --> 00:38:46.600
except I've got 99 problems
and my bitch very much is one of them.

873
00:38:46.680 --> 00:38:48.960
[audience laughing and applauding]

874
00:38:49.040 --> 00:38:53.640
[audience cheering and applauding]

875
00:38:55.520 --> 00:38:58.760
I got a kinky message from the dog
the other day as well by the way.

876
00:38:58.839 --> 00:39:00.960
By accident, I should hasten to add.

877
00:39:01.040 --> 00:39:04.799
What happened is I posted a picture
on my Instagram of me with my shirt off.

878
00:39:04.880 --> 00:39:06.960
My girlfriend went to put a sexy comment.

879
00:39:07.040 --> 00:39:10.560
Unfortunately, she had forgotten
to switch accounts. Yeah.

880
00:39:10.640 --> 00:39:11.920
Open up my Instagram,

881
00:39:12.000 --> 00:39:15.720
and underneath this picture of me
with my kit off, my dog had just put,

882
00:39:15.799 --> 00:39:17.440
"I wanna sit on your face."

883
00:39:17.520 --> 00:39:20.400
[audience laughing]

884
00:39:22.200 --> 00:39:23.440
[chuckles] Don't get me wrong.

885
00:39:23.520 --> 00:39:26.400
Part of me was like,
"Thank fuck someone's taught you to sit."

886
00:39:26.480 --> 00:39:28.960
[audience laughing]

887
00:39:30.240 --> 00:39:33.120
It does work, though,
this step of getting the dog first.

888
00:39:33.200 --> 00:39:36.040
Honestly. I was not a dog person at all,
and now I love this thing.

889
00:39:36.120 --> 00:39:38.839
And I'm like, "Bloody hell.
If I'm capable of loving and caring

890
00:39:38.920 --> 00:39:42.520
for this yapping, crapping,
nipple-deficient ball of fluff,

891
00:39:43.040 --> 00:39:44.760
maybe I am ready for the next stage."

892
00:39:44.839 --> 00:39:47.640
So, yeah, then we decided
we were gonna try and have a baby.

893
00:39:47.720 --> 00:39:51.240
That was not the easiest of journeys.
We had a few bumps along the way.

894
00:39:51.319 --> 00:39:54.640
I, uh… I don't want to give you
the Instagram-filtered version of my life.

895
00:39:54.720 --> 00:39:56.200
We actually lost a baby first.

896
00:39:56.280 --> 00:39:57.560
We suffered a miscarriage,

897
00:39:57.640 --> 00:40:00.080
which is a horrible thing
for anyone to go through.

898
00:40:00.160 --> 00:40:04.520
I mention it because it's this weird grief
that is sort of shrouded in secrecy.

899
00:40:04.600 --> 00:40:05.839
I didn't talk about it for ages.

900
00:40:05.920 --> 00:40:08.600
As soon as I was comfortable
sharing it with friends and family

901
00:40:08.680 --> 00:40:11.480
and realizing that other people
had had similar experiences,

902
00:40:11.560 --> 00:40:12.960
it was a huge comfort to me.

903
00:40:13.520 --> 00:40:16.720
And my girlfriend was so strong
throughout all of it.

904
00:40:16.799 --> 00:40:19.920
I'm completely in awe of her.
See, she was so resilient.

905
00:40:20.000 --> 00:40:23.799
She was amazing,
and it completely recalibrated my mindset.

906
00:40:23.880 --> 00:40:28.880
I went from being scared, bewildered,
ambivalent about the idea of having a kid,

907
00:40:28.960 --> 00:40:32.520
to suddenly wanting to be a dad
more than anything else in the world.

908
00:40:32.600 --> 00:40:37.080
[audience cheering and applauding]

909
00:40:37.160 --> 00:40:38.120
Thank you.

910
00:40:44.520 --> 00:40:47.839
I felt guilty as well. I felt guilty
that it had taken me this long

911
00:40:47.920 --> 00:40:51.720
to arrive at a place where I genuinely
feel excited to be settling down.

912
00:40:51.799 --> 00:40:53.400
I dragged my heels.

913
00:40:53.480 --> 00:40:57.359
The latter part of my twenties was
a period of sort of feckless misadventure.

914
00:40:57.440 --> 00:40:58.880
I was chasing pleasure.

915
00:40:58.960 --> 00:41:01.920
And in my thirties,
it was like happiness crept up on me.

916
00:41:02.000 --> 00:41:04.280
I was also really keen
to get on with it now,

917
00:41:04.359 --> 00:41:05.760
especially with my dad.

918
00:41:05.839 --> 00:41:07.520
I really wanted to get on with it

919
00:41:07.600 --> 00:41:10.280
so that I could still
give him a grandchild

920
00:41:10.359 --> 00:41:12.240
out of wedlock, just to fuck him off.

921
00:41:12.319 --> 00:41:15.040
[audience laughing and applauding]

922
00:41:15.120 --> 00:41:17.760
I know that's not the only reason
to have a kid,

923
00:41:17.839 --> 00:41:20.400
but it's got to be a bonus
to wind up the old man.

924
00:41:20.480 --> 00:41:24.319
Also, even better,
Roxy is from the East End of London.

925
00:41:24.400 --> 00:41:26.280
How incredible is that?

926
00:41:26.359 --> 00:41:28.720
Michael Whitehall
is gonna be the grandfather

927
00:41:28.799 --> 00:41:30.520
to a literal Cockney bastard.

928
00:41:30.600 --> 00:41:33.359
[audience laughing]

929
00:41:36.120 --> 00:41:37.920
Got the due date the other day.
That was weird.

930
00:41:38.000 --> 00:41:41.720
We went in and had the first scan,
and I saw baby for the first time.

931
00:41:41.799 --> 00:41:45.200
Eyes and nose, its heartbeat,
the little silver spoon in its mouth.

932
00:41:45.280 --> 00:41:46.839
[audience laughing]

933
00:41:46.920 --> 00:41:49.280
I asked about the due date,
and the nurse got all shifty.

934
00:41:49.359 --> 00:41:52.080
She was like, "Yes, so baby's due date
is gonna be sometime

935
00:41:52.160 --> 00:41:54.040
between the 10th of September

936
00:41:54.120 --> 00:41:56.000
and the 12th of September."

937
00:41:56.520 --> 00:41:59.760
I went, "It feels like there's a date
slap bang in the middle there

938
00:41:59.839 --> 00:42:01.760
that for some reason
you don't want to say."

939
00:42:01.839 --> 00:42:04.920
That is because
my baby's due date is 9/11.

940
00:42:05.000 --> 00:42:07.040
[audience laughing]

941
00:42:07.120 --> 00:42:09.839
Roxy was very upset about that.
I was a little bit more pragmatic.

942
00:42:09.920 --> 00:42:13.040
I was like, "I don't think it's going
to affect our lives in any serious way."

943
00:42:13.120 --> 00:42:16.359
I mean, it probably rules out
the name Osama, but…

944
00:42:16.440 --> 00:42:19.200
-[audience laughing]
-…it wasn't high on the list.

945
00:42:19.280 --> 00:42:22.440
"This is little Osama bin Whitehall.
It's a family name."

946
00:42:22.520 --> 00:42:24.960
[audience laughing]

947
00:42:25.040 --> 00:42:28.080
If you're pulling back from me
on that comment,

948
00:42:28.160 --> 00:42:31.240
you do not want to hear
what my dad said when I told him.

949
00:42:31.319 --> 00:42:34.600
I came out of the scan.
Roxy was still quite distressed.

950
00:42:34.680 --> 00:42:38.040
I called my dad up, I said,
"Right, there's good news and bad news."

951
00:42:38.120 --> 00:42:39.960
"Uh, good news, the baby's healthy."

952
00:42:40.040 --> 00:42:42.720
"Bad news, it does look like
the due date is 9/11."

953
00:42:42.799 --> 00:42:45.440
And he went,
"Well, I guess it could be worse."

954
00:42:45.520 --> 00:42:47.200
"You could be having twins."

955
00:42:47.280 --> 00:42:49.600
-[audience] Oh!
-No. No.

956
00:42:49.680 --> 00:42:51.359
[surprised laughter]

957
00:42:51.440 --> 00:42:53.799
[audience applauding]

958
00:42:53.880 --> 00:42:57.319
"No, Michael, please."

959
00:42:57.400 --> 00:42:59.680
"I will not be telling Roxy that."

960
00:43:00.200 --> 00:43:03.319
"Though I may write it down
to tell people on a Netflix special

961
00:43:03.400 --> 00:43:04.880
at some point in the future."

962
00:43:04.960 --> 00:43:05.960
[audience laughs]

963
00:43:07.880 --> 00:43:09.400
At the moment, most of my life

964
00:43:09.480 --> 00:43:12.600
is spent killing
inappropriate name suggestions of hers.

965
00:43:12.680 --> 00:43:17.600
The other day, she came into the bedroom.
"I was thinking, if it's a girl, Phoenix."

966
00:43:17.680 --> 00:43:19.560
I was thinking, "No fucking way."

967
00:43:19.640 --> 00:43:20.480
[audience laughs]

968
00:43:20.560 --> 00:43:22.520
She's like, "Why? Phoenix is a cute name."

969
00:43:22.600 --> 00:43:24.560
I was like, "Phoenix is a stripper name."

970
00:43:24.640 --> 00:43:26.120
She went, "How would you know?"

971
00:43:26.200 --> 00:43:27.960
"Dunno. Never been
to a strip club in my life,

972
00:43:28.040 --> 00:43:31.200
but I imagine that's the kind of name
a stripper might be called."

973
00:43:31.280 --> 00:43:33.520
"Maybe we should do some due diligence.
Google it."

974
00:43:33.600 --> 00:43:37.040
She was like, "Google what?"
"Type in, 'Top ten stripper names.'"

975
00:43:37.120 --> 00:43:38.560
So we had this weird moment.

976
00:43:38.640 --> 00:43:39.920
We're there with the baby books,

977
00:43:40.000 --> 00:43:42.680
and I'm on Google
typing in the top ten stripper names.

978
00:43:42.760 --> 00:43:45.319
Know what? There is a website
with the top ten stripper names,

979
00:43:45.400 --> 00:43:47.359
and to be fair to her,
Phoenix is not on it.

980
00:43:47.440 --> 00:43:49.560
But do you know what number one is?

981
00:43:49.640 --> 00:43:50.839
Roxy.

982
00:43:50.920 --> 00:43:54.440
[audience roaring with laughter]

983
00:43:54.520 --> 00:43:56.520
[Jack laughing]

984
00:43:58.000 --> 00:44:00.560
We could keep
with the family tradition. [chuckles]

985
00:44:00.640 --> 00:44:02.280
[audience laughing]

986
00:44:02.359 --> 00:44:04.960
We had six months
before we started trying for a baby

987
00:44:05.040 --> 00:44:06.680
to get everything out of our system.

988
00:44:06.760 --> 00:44:10.040
I wanna do all the fun,
impromptu, sort of reckless things

989
00:44:10.120 --> 00:44:12.240
that we're not gonna be able to do
once we've got a kid.

990
00:44:12.319 --> 00:44:16.760
She was like, "Yes!
Like drive Route 66 or go on a safari."

991
00:44:16.839 --> 00:44:19.280
I was thinking more like
smoke crystal meth just once,

992
00:44:19.359 --> 00:44:21.839
just to see what all the fuss is about.

993
00:44:21.920 --> 00:44:23.520
Heard it's very moreish. I, uh…

994
00:44:23.600 --> 00:44:24.480
[audience laughs]

995
00:44:24.560 --> 00:44:27.920
I gave in on the safari. She's been
dreaming of doing one for yonks.

996
00:44:28.000 --> 00:44:31.040
I could think of nothing worse,
'cause as we've already established,

997
00:44:31.120 --> 00:44:32.280
I am a massive pussy.

998
00:44:32.359 --> 00:44:33.520
-And…
-[audience laughs]

999
00:44:33.600 --> 00:44:36.200
I said, "We'll do it,
but on my terms, all right?"

1000
00:44:36.280 --> 00:44:39.160
I'm having to fork out
for the top-of-the-range safari.

1001
00:44:39.240 --> 00:44:42.359
There are certain things in life
I will penny-pinch on. That is not one.

1002
00:44:42.440 --> 00:44:46.839
If I'm on their turf, I'm gonna need
the state-of-the-art armored 4x4.

1003
00:44:46.920 --> 00:44:50.000
I'm gonna need the park ranger
that looks like The Rock.

1004
00:44:50.760 --> 00:44:52.280
'Cause you can do it on the cheap.

1005
00:44:52.359 --> 00:44:55.120
"Oh look, that guy over there
is offering it for half price."

1006
00:44:55.200 --> 00:44:57.120
"You mean that man with the rickshaw

1007
00:44:57.200 --> 00:45:00.319
and the left leg
that somewhat peters out at the knee?"

1008
00:45:00.400 --> 00:45:02.319
"Yeah, he's offering it for half-price

1009
00:45:02.400 --> 00:45:05.200
'cause he only has to take you
into the Serengeti."

1010
00:45:05.280 --> 00:45:08.319
"That is not a safari.
That is Deliveroo for lions."

1011
00:45:08.400 --> 00:45:11.319
[audience laughing]

1012
00:45:11.400 --> 00:45:13.799
You're not given anything
to defend yourself. That was a shock.

1013
00:45:13.879 --> 00:45:15.080
Thought I'd get a knife or gun.

1014
00:45:15.160 --> 00:45:18.600
The only thing they gave me
to defend myself from lions,

1015
00:45:18.680 --> 00:45:22.200
on morning one,
they handed me an air horn.

1016
00:45:22.280 --> 00:45:24.440
A little pump-up air horn.

1017
00:45:24.520 --> 00:45:26.720
I was like,
"What the fuck is this gonna do?"

1018
00:45:26.799 --> 00:45:29.319
-[audience laughing]
-"I'm getting mauled to death by a lion,

1019
00:45:29.400 --> 00:45:33.520
I'm meant to whip out my air horn,
give that a little toot-toot, then what?"

1020
00:45:33.600 --> 00:45:35.960
"Presumably alert other lions
in the area?"

1021
00:45:36.040 --> 00:45:38.120
"Dinner's about to be served!"

1022
00:45:38.920 --> 00:45:41.520
All of the advice they give you,
complete bollocks.

1023
00:45:41.600 --> 00:45:44.400
'Cause I wanted to know about
every single eventuality.

1024
00:45:44.480 --> 00:45:47.680
I said, "Right, what do I do
if an elephant charges me?"

1025
00:45:47.760 --> 00:45:50.520
Do you know what they said?
"If an elephant charges you,

1026
00:45:50.600 --> 00:45:53.000
you should run up a tree."

1027
00:45:53.080 --> 00:45:54.440
[audience laughs]

1028
00:45:54.520 --> 00:45:56.960
"I'm not a fucking squirrel."

1029
00:45:57.040 --> 00:45:58.280
[audience laughs]

1030
00:45:58.359 --> 00:46:01.760
"I could maybe climb a tree
if you gave me 20 minutes, a leg-up,

1031
00:46:01.839 --> 00:46:04.480
and an elephant charging me with a limp."

1032
00:46:04.560 --> 00:46:06.720
"But I'm not climbing these trees
any time soon,

1033
00:46:06.799 --> 00:46:09.640
because I don't know if you've noticed,
none of them have got any branches

1034
00:46:09.720 --> 00:46:12.000
because the elephants
have fucking eaten them all!"

1035
00:46:12.080 --> 00:46:13.960
[audience laughing]

1036
00:46:14.040 --> 00:46:17.160
You don't pick who you're in the car with.
They leave that out of the brochure.

1037
00:46:17.240 --> 00:46:19.960
Yeah. That is a big issue.
Two of us on our safari.

1038
00:46:20.040 --> 00:46:22.920
The vehicle had six seats.
You do the math.

1039
00:46:23.000 --> 00:46:25.120
That meant,
for the duration of our safari,

1040
00:46:25.200 --> 00:46:27.799
as it turned out,
we were to be sharing our car

1041
00:46:27.879 --> 00:46:29.920
with a family of four

1042
00:46:30.600 --> 00:46:31.640
from Florida.

1043
00:46:31.720 --> 00:46:33.600
[hesitant laughter]

1044
00:46:33.680 --> 00:46:35.319
My reaction exactly.

1045
00:46:35.400 --> 00:46:36.520
[audience laughs]

1046
00:46:36.600 --> 00:46:40.680
Now these Floridians…? What's the word
they have for people from Florida?

1047
00:46:40.760 --> 00:46:42.600
Bigots. These bigots. They, uh…

1048
00:46:42.680 --> 00:46:44.520
[audience laughing]

1049
00:46:44.600 --> 00:46:46.240
I need to describe their appearance.

1050
00:46:46.319 --> 00:46:49.040
It's important that I do.
I'm not saying this to be crass,

1051
00:46:49.120 --> 00:46:52.640
but they did have rather an abundance
of junk in the proverbial trunk.

1052
00:46:53.520 --> 00:46:55.400
I'm not saying that to have a pop.
You do you.

1053
00:46:55.480 --> 00:46:57.760
Big is beautiful. Body positivity.

1054
00:46:57.839 --> 00:47:01.200
I do not have prejudice against anyone
for their size.

1055
00:47:02.799 --> 00:47:03.839
Unless

1056
00:47:04.640 --> 00:47:06.799
I am stuck in a car with you

1057
00:47:06.879 --> 00:47:09.760
surrounded by hungry lions.

1058
00:47:09.839 --> 00:47:10.720
[audience laughs]

1059
00:47:10.799 --> 00:47:14.120
At that point, yep,
I become a little bit judgy.

1060
00:47:14.200 --> 00:47:16.600
It turned what should've been
a pleasant holiday

1061
00:47:16.680 --> 00:47:18.160
into a white-knuckle ride.

1062
00:47:18.240 --> 00:47:21.359
Every day, trundling around the Serengeti

1063
00:47:21.440 --> 00:47:25.359
sat next to a man that was essentially
a doner kebab in a MAGA cap.

1064
00:47:25.440 --> 00:47:26.440
[audience laughs]

1065
00:47:26.520 --> 00:47:28.240
Every time I went past a lion,

1066
00:47:28.319 --> 00:47:31.080
I'd see its head crane round,
licking its lips.

1067
00:47:31.160 --> 00:47:33.839
Eye-banging the all-you-can-eat buffet
on wheels.

1068
00:47:33.920 --> 00:47:36.240
I felt like sushi on a conveyor belt.

1069
00:47:37.040 --> 00:47:39.920
Roxy kept trying to put me at ease.
"Jack, don't worry."

1070
00:47:40.000 --> 00:47:41.400
"If the lions did attack us,

1071
00:47:41.480 --> 00:47:44.280
they would probably fill up
on the Floridians first."

1072
00:47:44.359 --> 00:47:46.040
"They wouldn't have room for us."

1073
00:47:46.120 --> 00:47:48.879
I was like,
"What if we're the amuse-bouche?"

1074
00:47:49.560 --> 00:47:51.960
"You've made the assumption
that we're pudding."

1075
00:47:52.040 --> 00:47:53.760
"You of all people should know

1076
00:47:53.839 --> 00:47:56.879
you do not contain enough sugar
to be a dessert!"

1077
00:47:56.960 --> 00:47:59.799
[audience laughing]

1078
00:47:59.879 --> 00:48:02.080
Morning two, I shit you not,

1079
00:48:02.160 --> 00:48:05.319
the Floridians' wife
came down for breakfast,

1080
00:48:05.400 --> 00:48:07.440
of a safari,

1081
00:48:07.520 --> 00:48:10.799
she was wearing a zebra-print shirt.

1082
00:48:10.879 --> 00:48:12.120
"Hi!"

1083
00:48:12.200 --> 00:48:14.720
I was like, "Absolutely not. No way."

1084
00:48:14.799 --> 00:48:16.040
"Try again. Shoo."

1085
00:48:16.120 --> 00:48:18.200
I had to air-horn her back into her tent

1086
00:48:18.960 --> 00:48:21.280
to change into something more appropriate.

1087
00:48:21.359 --> 00:48:22.920
We were on a safari.

1088
00:48:23.000 --> 00:48:24.839
She came dressed as prey.

1089
00:48:24.920 --> 00:48:26.080
[audience laughing]

1090
00:48:26.160 --> 00:48:28.560
I was so worried
about attracting the animals,

1091
00:48:28.640 --> 00:48:31.839
I didn't even spray myself
with Lynx Africa that morning.

1092
00:48:31.920 --> 00:48:34.000
[audience laughing]

1093
00:48:34.879 --> 00:48:37.240
That was the other thing
I kept thinking on safari.

1094
00:48:37.319 --> 00:48:40.000
This is a bit of a distraction,
but every day, I was like,

1095
00:48:40.080 --> 00:48:43.120
"How on earth is the zebra not extinct?"

1096
00:48:43.200 --> 00:48:46.200
What the fuck was God smoking
when he came up with them?

1097
00:48:46.879 --> 00:48:49.120
I know he did the world in seven days.

1098
00:48:49.200 --> 00:48:53.359
The zebra must've been done
at about 5:55 on the Friday afternoon.

1099
00:48:53.879 --> 00:48:55.480
"Right, we're down to Z."

1100
00:48:55.560 --> 00:48:59.160
"Let's crack through this one quickly,
and we can all fuck off down the pub."

1101
00:48:59.240 --> 00:49:04.120
"Zebra, you are gonna be like a fat,
slightly slower version of a horse,

1102
00:49:04.200 --> 00:49:07.480
and we'll put you over there in Africa

1103
00:49:07.560 --> 00:49:10.080
with all of the deadliest predators
on the planet."

1104
00:49:10.640 --> 00:49:11.680
"Any questions?"

1105
00:49:11.760 --> 00:49:13.760
"Uh, yeah, just a few." [chuckles]

1106
00:49:13.839 --> 00:49:17.160
"If I'm gonna be out there
with all of those mean motherfuckers,

1107
00:49:17.240 --> 00:49:20.319
then I'm probably
going to need to blend in."

1108
00:49:20.920 --> 00:49:23.480
"So could I have some camouflage?"

1109
00:49:24.240 --> 00:49:27.480
"Well, we were thinking
black and white stripes."

1110
00:49:28.280 --> 00:49:30.319
"Very slimming."

1111
00:49:30.400 --> 00:49:31.440
[audience laughs]

1112
00:49:31.520 --> 00:49:34.560
"Black and white stripes?
Have you seen the landscape here, mate?"

1113
00:49:34.640 --> 00:49:36.080
"Everything's beige."

1114
00:49:36.160 --> 00:49:38.520
"I'm not working in a Foot Locker."

1115
00:49:38.600 --> 00:49:39.960
[audience laughs]

1116
00:49:40.040 --> 00:49:41.879
"All the other animals,
if they wanna hide,

1117
00:49:41.960 --> 00:49:43.600
they go into a bush or up a tree."

1118
00:49:43.680 --> 00:49:48.640
"My only chance of subterfuge
is getting tickets to Newcastle-Juventus."

1119
00:49:48.720 --> 00:49:49.839
[audience laughs]

1120
00:49:49.920 --> 00:49:52.440
"Fine. If I'm gonna be out there
dressed like a twat,

1121
00:49:52.520 --> 00:49:54.280
I need something to defend myself."

1122
00:49:54.359 --> 00:49:56.359
"A lot of the other prey,
all of them in fact,

1123
00:49:56.440 --> 00:49:57.799
have got big tusks

1124
00:49:57.879 --> 00:50:01.560
or vicious-looking horns,
antlers coming out of their heads."

1125
00:50:01.640 --> 00:50:03.319
"What were you thinking for me?"

1126
00:50:04.319 --> 00:50:05.280
"Mohican?"

1127
00:50:05.359 --> 00:50:07.280
[audience laughing]

1128
00:50:07.359 --> 00:50:11.160
"So no weapon, just a really loud haircut?
Thank you very much."

1129
00:50:11.240 --> 00:50:15.040
"That's me, is it? Stuck in the middle
of a primordial feeding frenzy,

1130
00:50:15.120 --> 00:50:17.520
looking like a lesbian barcode?"

1131
00:50:17.600 --> 00:50:19.600
[audience laughing]

1132
00:50:19.680 --> 00:50:22.640
[audience applauding]

1133
00:50:22.720 --> 00:50:25.319
Sorry, that was a bit of an aside.
I… [chuckles]

1134
00:50:25.399 --> 00:50:29.520
I'm not done with the Floridians yet.
The other issue was the levels of chat.

1135
00:50:29.600 --> 00:50:31.879
Every day, she'd be
waiting for me in the car.

1136
00:50:31.960 --> 00:50:36.080
She was like, "So, what does everyone
wanna see most on this safari?"

1137
00:50:36.600 --> 00:50:39.000
Her husband was like,
"I'd like to see a tiger."

1138
00:50:39.080 --> 00:50:41.359
Good luck, mate.
You're on the wrong fucking continent.

1139
00:50:41.440 --> 00:50:44.160
[audience laughing]

1140
00:50:46.839 --> 00:50:49.839
Honestly, in the end, the only way
I could get through the week

1141
00:50:49.920 --> 00:50:53.680
was by winding the Floridians up
that the lions were gay. [laughs]

1142
00:50:53.760 --> 00:50:54.920
[audience laughing]

1143
00:50:55.000 --> 00:50:58.280
He did not like that chat at all. [laughs]

1144
00:50:58.359 --> 00:51:01.080
He was like, "What in the world
are you talking about, son?"

1145
00:51:01.160 --> 00:51:04.120
"I don't know what they're teaching you
in schools in 'Engerland,' buddy,

1146
00:51:04.200 --> 00:51:06.160
but that does not happen in nature."

1147
00:51:06.240 --> 00:51:09.399
"You do not get gay lions."

1148
00:51:09.480 --> 00:51:11.839
"Why do you think they call them prides?"

1149
00:51:11.920 --> 00:51:13.280
"Okay. Okay. Okay."

1150
00:51:13.359 --> 00:51:15.799
-[audience laughing]
-[Jack chuckles]

1151
00:51:17.120 --> 00:51:18.480
"It's not natural."

1152
00:51:18.560 --> 00:51:21.359
That's what they say,
right-wing fundamentalist Christians.

1153
00:51:21.440 --> 00:51:24.560
Remember when they announced
the live-action Beauty and the Beast,

1154
00:51:24.640 --> 00:51:28.200
and they said
there was gonna be a gay character?

1155
00:51:28.280 --> 00:51:30.879
Ooh, the right-wing
fundamentalist Christians weren't happy.

1156
00:51:30.960 --> 00:51:35.160
"You can't have that in a Disney movie,
a man loving another man."

1157
00:51:35.240 --> 00:51:36.760
"It's not natural."

1158
00:51:37.280 --> 00:51:38.520
Not natural?

1159
00:51:38.600 --> 00:51:41.960
That film is about a woman
fucking a wildebeest.

1160
00:51:42.040 --> 00:51:45.480
[audience laughing]

1161
00:51:45.560 --> 00:51:46.680
[Jack chuckles]

1162
00:51:46.760 --> 00:51:51.080
To be fair, I don't think I've taken that
directly from the Disney Plus description.

1163
00:51:51.160 --> 00:51:52.440
[audience laughs]

1164
00:51:52.520 --> 00:51:53.799
That's got to stop, hasn't it?

1165
00:51:53.879 --> 00:51:55.960
Grown adults
getting wound up about cartoons.

1166
00:51:56.040 --> 00:51:58.640
It just happened
with the live-action Little Mermaid.

1167
00:51:58.720 --> 00:52:01.200
They announced the actress
playing Ariel is mixed-race.

1168
00:52:01.280 --> 00:52:03.120
Oh, racist Twitter wasn't happy.

1169
00:52:03.200 --> 00:52:07.160
"You can't have that.
You can't have a mixed-race Ariel."

1170
00:52:08.120 --> 00:52:09.359
She's a mermaid.

1171
00:52:10.120 --> 00:52:13.640
She is the most mixed-race character
that has ever been conceived.

1172
00:52:14.240 --> 00:52:16.520
From the waist down, she's mixed grill.

1173
00:52:16.600 --> 00:52:18.960
[audience laughing]

1174
00:52:19.040 --> 00:52:19.920
That wasn't the worst.

1175
00:52:20.000 --> 00:52:22.000
The worst was a tweet,
it had thousands of retweets,

1176
00:52:22.080 --> 00:52:25.120
some racist troll
that was trying to play the science card.

1177
00:52:25.200 --> 00:52:27.200
How desperately sad are you

1178
00:52:27.280 --> 00:52:30.200
that you're trying to bring science
into this discussion?

1179
00:52:30.280 --> 00:52:33.920
He was like, "It's not even
scientifically possible, right,

1180
00:52:34.000 --> 00:52:39.319
'cause how-- how would enough sunlight
get down to the bottom of the ocean

1181
00:52:39.399 --> 00:52:43.440
for the Little Mermaid's skin
to produce the melanin?"

1182
00:52:43.520 --> 00:52:47.480
"Ooh, I don't know.
Why don't we ask the talking crab?"

1183
00:52:47.560 --> 00:52:48.560
[audience laughing]

1184
00:52:48.640 --> 00:52:50.760
"Do you wanna have a word with him?"

1185
00:52:50.839 --> 00:52:53.120
"Although I don't think
you two will get along,

1186
00:52:53.200 --> 00:52:55.240
'cause he appears to be a Rastafarian."

1187
00:52:55.319 --> 00:52:58.319
[audience laughing]

1188
00:53:00.640 --> 00:53:02.200
It's make-believe!

1189
00:53:02.720 --> 00:53:04.240
Who fucking cares?

1190
00:53:04.760 --> 00:53:08.080
I guess the only thing they should've
updated is the ending, right?

1191
00:53:08.160 --> 00:53:10.680
If Ariel is mixed-race,
it probably can't be happily ever after.

1192
00:53:10.760 --> 00:53:12.839
If Ariel is mixed-race,
she's got to marry the prince,

1193
00:53:12.920 --> 00:53:16.399
get harangued by the British press,
and run away to do a Netflix documentary.

1194
00:53:16.480 --> 00:53:17.799
[surprised laughter]

1195
00:53:17.879 --> 00:53:22.680
-[audience cheering and applauding]
-[Jack chuckling]

1196
00:53:26.520 --> 00:53:29.240
Well, I wasn't gonna go there,
but since we have, I…

1197
00:53:29.799 --> 00:53:32.680
Just my personal interest. Give me a cheer
if you're Team Meghan and Harry.

1198
00:53:32.760 --> 00:53:34.600
[audience cheers]

1199
00:53:34.680 --> 00:53:37.040
Give me a cheer
if you're Team Royal Family?

1200
00:53:37.120 --> 00:53:38.680
[audience cheers louder]

1201
00:53:38.760 --> 00:53:41.280
Give me a cheer
if you're Team Couldn't Give A Fuck?

1202
00:53:41.359 --> 00:53:44.319
[audience cheering loudest]

1203
00:53:44.399 --> 00:53:45.879
I'm very much in your camp.

1204
00:53:45.960 --> 00:53:46.879
[audience laughs]

1205
00:53:46.960 --> 00:53:50.040
I feel a bit sorry for them,
but, then again, at the end of the day,

1206
00:53:50.120 --> 00:53:54.240
to take Netflix's money to do a show
where you just humiliate your family…

1207
00:53:54.319 --> 00:53:57.160
[audience laughing]

1208
00:53:57.240 --> 00:53:58.560
[Jack chuckling]

1209
00:54:00.160 --> 00:54:03.000
I like seeing more representation
in all walks of life. I do.

1210
00:54:03.080 --> 00:54:05.920
Honestly, I saw a lovely article recently,
groundbreaking news,

1211
00:54:06.000 --> 00:54:09.399
Marvel had announced
their first-ever trans superhero.

1212
00:54:09.480 --> 00:54:10.920
I thought, that's lovely.

1213
00:54:11.000 --> 00:54:13.560
The only person I felt a little sorry for
when I read that article

1214
00:54:13.640 --> 00:54:15.799
was the guy
that came up with Transformers.

1215
00:54:15.879 --> 00:54:17.240
[audience laughs]

1216
00:54:17.319 --> 00:54:20.560
Come on. A superhero that's a woman
that used to be a man? Great.

1217
00:54:20.640 --> 00:54:21.640
But groundbreaking?

1218
00:54:21.720 --> 00:54:23.560
Optimus Prime used to be a truck.

1219
00:54:23.640 --> 00:54:25.240
[audience laughing]

1220
00:54:25.319 --> 00:54:29.399
Just saying, wait till those transformers
start getting involved in women's sport.

1221
00:54:29.480 --> 00:54:32.440
-You think Piers Morgan's annoyed now…
-[audience laughs]

1222
00:54:32.520 --> 00:54:35.040
…that in the women's swimming,
the athlete in lane three

1223
00:54:35.120 --> 00:54:38.319
has an unfair advantage
'cause she was biologically born a man?

1224
00:54:38.399 --> 00:54:40.280
Wait till he finds out
the athlete in lane six

1225
00:54:40.359 --> 00:54:42.120
was biologically born a submarine.

1226
00:54:42.200 --> 00:54:45.160
[audience laughing]

1227
00:54:45.240 --> 00:54:47.080
But that is indicative
of this wider problem

1228
00:54:47.160 --> 00:54:49.879
where everyone has to have an opinion
about everything these days.

1229
00:54:49.960 --> 00:54:51.879
I always used to like
what my grandmother said.

1230
00:54:51.960 --> 00:54:55.799
My grandmother always used to say,
"Opinions are like farts."

1231
00:54:55.879 --> 00:54:57.319
"It's best to hold them in,

1232
00:54:57.399 --> 00:54:59.879
because no one's gonna appreciate them
as much as you."

1233
00:54:59.960 --> 00:55:02.240
[audience laughing]

1234
00:55:02.319 --> 00:55:03.879
I think there's wisdom to that.

1235
00:55:03.960 --> 00:55:05.960
I think we've been conditioned
to be like this

1236
00:55:06.040 --> 00:55:09.399
'cause we're asked for our opinion
all the time, far too much if you ask me.

1237
00:55:09.480 --> 00:55:11.879
We've got Yelp, TripAdvisor,
Uber, and Amazon.

1238
00:55:11.960 --> 00:55:13.280
Every time you go into a shop,

1239
00:55:13.359 --> 00:55:15.720
"Fill in this questionnaire.
Give us your feedback."

1240
00:55:15.799 --> 00:55:18.160
You walk out of the toilet now
in the airport,

1241
00:55:18.240 --> 00:55:20.120
you're met with a panel of faces

1242
00:55:20.200 --> 00:55:22.920
so you can tell them
how much that shit made you smile.

1243
00:55:23.000 --> 00:55:24.240
[audience laughs]

1244
00:55:24.319 --> 00:55:27.120
And Twitter,
the fucking world's cubicle wall

1245
00:55:27.200 --> 00:55:31.280
that allows every half-baked opinion
to be suddenly broadcast to the world.

1246
00:55:31.359 --> 00:55:32.600
I think about this so much more

1247
00:55:32.680 --> 00:55:35.520
now that I'm about to bring a child
into this toxic hellscape.

1248
00:55:35.600 --> 00:55:38.399
And I think,
"What piece of advice would I give them?"

1249
00:55:38.480 --> 00:55:42.879
And ultimately, the very simple advice
I'd give my kid, and to anyone, is this.

1250
00:55:42.960 --> 00:55:45.399
What we need to learn is that sometimes

1251
00:55:45.480 --> 00:55:48.879
it is okay to let the people
who know what they're talking about

1252
00:55:48.960 --> 00:55:50.600
talk about what they know about.

1253
00:55:50.680 --> 00:55:53.359
I accept there's quite a lot of things
I'm ill-informed of,

1254
00:55:53.440 --> 00:55:55.920
and therefore,
there will be a fair few discussions

1255
00:55:56.000 --> 00:55:58.920
that it is probably best
that I just sit out of.

1256
00:55:59.000 --> 00:56:02.879
I'm not saying we shouldn't have opinions.
It's vitally important to have opinions.

1257
00:56:02.960 --> 00:56:06.200
I'm just saying, you don't have
to have an opinion about everything.

1258
00:56:06.280 --> 00:56:09.000
Every now and again, very rarely,
there may come a time

1259
00:56:09.080 --> 00:56:12.120
when you can genuinely add
something of interest to the discourse.

1260
00:56:12.200 --> 00:56:14.760
But in the meantime, wait your turn,

1261
00:56:14.839 --> 00:56:17.680
pick your moment,
and in the nicest way possible,

1262
00:56:17.760 --> 00:56:20.240
shut the fuck up.

1263
00:56:20.319 --> 00:56:23.600
[audience cheering and applauding]

1264
00:56:31.920 --> 00:56:33.520
That was a very long-winded way of saying

1265
00:56:33.600 --> 00:56:36.399
I don't wanna read any negative feedback
about this show on Twitter.

1266
00:56:36.480 --> 00:56:38.640
[audience laughing]

1267
00:56:38.720 --> 00:56:43.040
Ultimately, I think I maybe spent
a little too much time over in the States.

1268
00:56:43.120 --> 00:56:44.960
I was surprised by how homesick I got.

1269
00:56:45.040 --> 00:56:48.000
And I want to tell you about
one of the bleakest moments.

1270
00:56:48.080 --> 00:56:51.640
I'd been living there for about a year,
trying to do long-distance with Rox.

1271
00:56:51.720 --> 00:56:54.399
It had been a struggle,
and I was on the phone to her.

1272
00:56:54.480 --> 00:56:57.560
Put it down,
and I was feeling very sad and very alone.

1273
00:56:57.640 --> 00:57:00.799
I was like, "I know what I need to do.
I need to take myself for a nice meal."

1274
00:57:00.879 --> 00:57:02.839
"I'm gonna wine and dine myself."

1275
00:57:02.919 --> 00:57:06.560
So I go to a restaurant, and I don't mind
eating on my own in a restaurant,

1276
00:57:06.640 --> 00:57:09.720
but I do like there to be
a degree of discretion when I do so.

1277
00:57:09.799 --> 00:57:13.680
I always approach eating on my own
in a restaurant like I approach sex.

1278
00:57:13.760 --> 00:57:15.359
In and out as quickly as possible,

1279
00:57:15.440 --> 00:57:17.919
minimal eye contact,
and then scurry for the exit,

1280
00:57:18.000 --> 00:57:20.440
leaving a woman very disappointed
about the size of my tip.

1281
00:57:20.520 --> 00:57:22.919
[audience laughing]

1282
00:57:23.000 --> 00:57:26.680
I whisper my name,
whisper my name to this hostess,

1283
00:57:26.759 --> 00:57:29.080
and she walks back out five minutes later,

1284
00:57:29.160 --> 00:57:32.319
and at the top of her voice,
she uses my name

1285
00:57:32.399 --> 00:57:36.640
in the most depressing sentence
that I have ever heard it used.

1286
00:57:36.720 --> 00:57:38.799
She walks out, she goes,

1287
00:57:38.879 --> 00:57:40.279
"Jack Whitehall!"

1288
00:57:40.960 --> 00:57:42.279
"Party for one!"

1289
00:57:42.359 --> 00:57:44.080
[audience laughing]

1290
00:57:44.160 --> 00:57:46.120
Party for one?!

1291
00:57:46.200 --> 00:57:49.640
That is the most depressing
description of my lunch

1292
00:57:49.720 --> 00:57:51.759
that I have ever fucking heard!

1293
00:57:51.839 --> 00:57:54.720
And now everyone in the restaurant
is looking over to see

1294
00:57:54.799 --> 00:57:57.200
who the pity party for one is.

1295
00:57:57.279 --> 00:58:00.560
I have to do the walk of shame
through the restaurant.

1296
00:58:00.640 --> 00:58:02.240
[audience laughing]

1297
00:58:02.319 --> 00:58:04.440
She sits me down
at the pity party for one.

1298
00:58:04.520 --> 00:58:05.799
She then does that thing.

1299
00:58:05.879 --> 00:58:09.440
Why do waitresses feel the need to do this
if you're eating on your own?

1300
00:58:09.520 --> 00:58:12.839
She comes over to my table
and makes a big song and dance

1301
00:58:12.919 --> 00:58:15.640
of removing the place setting opposite me.

1302
00:58:16.200 --> 00:58:17.560
Why do they do that?

1303
00:58:17.640 --> 00:58:20.440
As if to say,
"We wouldn't want anyone looking over here

1304
00:58:20.520 --> 00:58:23.160
and accidentally thinking
that you're waiting for someone."

1305
00:58:23.240 --> 00:58:25.960
"No, I need everyone
in this establishment to know

1306
00:58:26.040 --> 00:58:28.640
that you're probably gonna die alone."

1307
00:58:29.359 --> 00:58:32.960
"Why don't I just get my chair
and stick it up against the wall,

1308
00:58:33.040 --> 00:58:36.919
so I don't accidentally make eye contact
with any of the happy customers?"

1309
00:58:37.000 --> 00:58:40.080
"Or you can bring a to-go bag out.
I'll put it on my head."

1310
00:58:40.160 --> 00:58:43.680
"Or better still, there's some space
down here underneath the table."

1311
00:58:43.759 --> 00:58:47.279
"Why don't I just have my dinner
down here, like a dog?"

1312
00:58:48.759 --> 00:58:51.839
"Is now a good time to mention
it's my birthday?"

1313
00:58:51.919 --> 00:58:56.160
[audience laughing]

1314
00:58:56.759 --> 00:59:00.200
"Does sir have any allergies today,
or should I just put 'people'?"

1315
00:59:00.279 --> 00:59:02.160
[audience laughing]

1316
00:59:02.240 --> 00:59:05.160
She then asked my second least-favorite
question in a restaurant.

1317
00:59:05.240 --> 00:59:08.160
"Would you like bottled water or tap?"

1318
00:59:08.240 --> 00:59:10.560
"Oh, well, when you put it like that."

1319
00:59:10.640 --> 00:59:12.759
Why do they always have to frame it
in that way?

1320
00:59:12.839 --> 00:59:15.640
All water has technically
come through a tap at some point,

1321
00:59:15.720 --> 00:59:17.359
even the posh shit in the bottles.

1322
00:59:17.440 --> 00:59:19.560
How do you think it got there
in the first place?

1323
00:59:19.640 --> 00:59:22.319
This waitress wasn't out
in a field this morning,

1324
00:59:22.399 --> 00:59:25.720
skipping through it,
dunking them into a babbling brook.

1325
00:59:25.799 --> 00:59:29.160
No, but they say "tap"
because words have power,

1326
00:59:29.240 --> 00:59:31.640
and "tap" conjures up
an image in your head, doesn't it,

1327
00:59:31.720 --> 00:59:35.440
of some rusty tap out back,
in an alleyway.

1328
00:59:35.520 --> 00:59:39.440
The waitress walking out there
with a mangy pail of water

1329
00:59:39.520 --> 00:59:42.399
to fill it up as some sweaty sous-chef

1330
00:59:42.480 --> 00:59:45.680
douses down his nether regions
after a hot service.

1331
00:59:45.759 --> 00:59:48.080
[audience laughing]

1332
00:59:48.160 --> 00:59:52.399
Maybe I have quite a vivid imagination,
but you get the point.

1333
00:59:52.480 --> 00:59:56.160
She's back with the menus. By this point,
I thought she was taking the piss.

1334
00:59:56.240 --> 00:59:59.960
She's like, "Right, well, we serve things
in this menu family-style."

1335
01:00:00.040 --> 01:00:01.799
[giggles] "Well, joke's on you, love."

1336
01:00:01.879 --> 01:00:05.240
"This is my family style.
I went to a boarding school."

1337
01:00:05.319 --> 01:00:06.560
[audience laughs]

1338
01:00:06.640 --> 01:00:09.319
"You're not gonna be interested
in this first page of our menu,

1339
01:00:09.399 --> 01:00:12.640
because these are
all of our sharing plates."

1340
01:00:12.720 --> 01:00:17.120
"Oh my God. I get it.
I haven't got any friends."

1341
01:00:17.200 --> 01:00:20.839
She's like, "Here we are, sir.
This is more your area here."

1342
01:00:20.919 --> 01:00:23.319
"Wines by the glass."

1343
01:00:23.399 --> 01:00:25.799
[high-pitched] "Wines by the glass."

1344
01:00:25.879 --> 01:00:27.480
I was so smug.

1345
01:00:27.560 --> 01:00:29.440
I was like, "Oh, madam."

1346
01:00:29.520 --> 01:00:32.359
"You have really misread this situation."

1347
01:00:32.440 --> 01:00:34.680
"You see, I am British."

1348
01:00:34.759 --> 01:00:37.399
"I may eat for a party of one,

1349
01:00:37.480 --> 01:00:40.040
but I drink for a party of five!"

1350
01:00:40.120 --> 01:00:41.799
[audience roaring with laughter]

1351
01:00:41.879 --> 01:00:46.680
[audience cheering and applauding]

1352
01:00:46.759 --> 01:00:50.000
I love that we live in a country
where you can get away with that.

1353
01:00:50.080 --> 01:00:53.319
Ordering a bottle of wine at lunch
and not getting judged for it.

1354
01:00:53.399 --> 01:00:54.520
Oh my God.

1355
01:00:54.600 --> 01:00:57.040
That picture…
[chuckles] She's had a couple.

1356
01:00:57.120 --> 01:00:58.040
I… [chuckles]

1357
01:00:58.120 --> 01:01:00.080
That picture, the jolly day-drinker,

1358
01:01:00.160 --> 01:01:02.759
polishing off a bottle of pinot
before 1:00 p.m.

1359
01:01:02.839 --> 01:01:05.680
Stick that shit on the ten-pound note.

1360
01:01:05.759 --> 01:01:07.560
[audience laughing]

1361
01:01:07.640 --> 01:01:11.359
That… That is the kind of reason
I could never move to America permanently.

1362
01:01:11.440 --> 01:01:15.240
And I nearly did. At the end of last year,
I nearly made the move permanently,

1363
01:01:15.319 --> 01:01:17.200
and at the last minute, I pulled out.

1364
01:01:17.279 --> 01:01:19.919
Ironically, I'd failed to pull out
in another situation,

1365
01:01:20.000 --> 01:01:22.240
but that's already been touched on.

1366
01:01:22.319 --> 01:01:25.520
Ultimately, I realized
that I wanna raise my kid here.

1367
01:01:25.600 --> 01:01:29.359
I wanna settle down here.
Whisper it quietly, I like it here.

1368
01:01:29.440 --> 01:01:32.200
And I don't mean that
in like a sort of jingoistic way.

1369
01:01:32.279 --> 01:01:34.359
I think there's enough people
in this country

1370
01:01:34.440 --> 01:01:37.680
that tell you that you should love it
in a very specific manner.

1371
01:01:37.759 --> 01:01:39.720
Ultimately, there's a host
of different reasons

1372
01:01:39.799 --> 01:01:43.080
that we can love where we live
and who we are.

1373
01:01:43.160 --> 01:01:45.480
And I realized the longer I spent away,

1374
01:01:45.560 --> 01:01:49.560
it was the mundane, weird,
random shit that I began to miss.

1375
01:01:49.640 --> 01:01:53.160
LA is 365 days a year of sunshine.

1376
01:01:53.240 --> 01:01:55.040
I began to miss drizzle.

1377
01:01:55.120 --> 01:01:56.279
[audience laughs]

1378
01:01:56.359 --> 01:01:59.720
I love nothing more
than being sat in a beer garden

1379
01:01:59.799 --> 01:02:01.520
huddled underneath an umbrella,

1380
01:02:01.600 --> 01:02:05.440
getting battered by horizontal rain
in the middle of July.

1381
01:02:05.960 --> 01:02:11.520
Being the designated person to lean over
and switch on the heater every 50 seconds.

1382
01:02:11.600 --> 01:02:12.680
[audience laughs]

1383
01:02:12.759 --> 01:02:14.399
I miss a proper music festival

1384
01:02:14.480 --> 01:02:18.080
that you come back from
with food poisoning and trench foot.

1385
01:02:18.160 --> 01:02:21.399
I cannot wait to be in my first mosh pit

1386
01:02:21.480 --> 01:02:24.399
with little baby Phoenix
strapped onto my chest.

1387
01:02:25.000 --> 01:02:29.040
I went to a parody of a music festival
in America called Coachella.

1388
01:02:29.120 --> 01:02:31.200
I heard a woman there complaining

1389
01:02:31.279 --> 01:02:35.919
because they had ran out of hand sanitizer
in the VIP area.

1390
01:02:36.000 --> 01:02:38.640
I was like,
"Love, I was at Glastonbury once

1391
01:02:38.720 --> 01:02:40.560
and saw a woman in the gents

1392
01:02:40.640 --> 01:02:42.919
squatting in front of a urinal

1393
01:02:43.000 --> 01:02:45.000
using a Croc as a Shewee."

1394
01:02:45.080 --> 01:02:46.839
[audience laughing]

1395
01:02:46.919 --> 01:02:51.359
It's wonderful to see you again, madam.
I didn't recognize you until that moment.

1396
01:02:51.879 --> 01:02:55.680
I miss living in a country that doesn't
give a toss about designer labels

1397
01:02:55.759 --> 01:02:57.240
or who's wearing who.

1398
01:02:57.319 --> 01:03:00.919
Where the biggest fashion story of 2023

1399
01:03:01.000 --> 01:03:05.120
was that Primark were doing
a collaboration with Greggs, the baker.

1400
01:03:05.200 --> 01:03:07.600
[audience cheering and applauding]

1401
01:03:07.680 --> 01:03:10.319
They did a sportswear range!

1402
01:03:10.399 --> 01:03:13.720
Have you got any idea
how much of a middle finger that is

1403
01:03:13.799 --> 01:03:15.359
to the wellness industry?

1404
01:03:15.440 --> 01:03:18.919
Turning up to the gym
in the same packaging as a sausage roll?

1405
01:03:19.000 --> 01:03:19.879
[audience laughs]

1406
01:03:19.960 --> 01:03:21.359
I miss our shit food.

1407
01:03:21.440 --> 01:03:23.000
Steak bakes. Scotch eggs.

1408
01:03:23.080 --> 01:03:24.960
A breakfast of champions,

1409
01:03:25.040 --> 01:03:27.560
washed down with a gallon of milky tea

1410
01:03:27.640 --> 01:03:30.440
and gravy on fucking everything.

1411
01:03:30.520 --> 01:03:32.759
We love gravy so much in this country,

1412
01:03:32.839 --> 01:03:35.399
we're not gonna pour it
out of a poncy little jug.

1413
01:03:35.480 --> 01:03:37.759
We are a maritime nation,

1414
01:03:37.839 --> 01:03:41.480
and our gravy should arrive at the table
in a fucking boat!

1415
01:03:41.560 --> 01:03:42.720
[audience cheering]

1416
01:03:42.799 --> 01:03:47.560
And it shall be served to us
without the hint of a smile.

1417
01:03:47.640 --> 01:03:52.640
God bless the complete absence
of customer service in this country!

1418
01:03:53.240 --> 01:03:58.439
In America, being asked how my meal was
in between every single mouthful.

1419
01:03:58.520 --> 01:04:00.799
The joy of coming back home

1420
01:04:00.879 --> 01:04:04.439
and being served this afternoon
in a café in Bermondsey

1421
01:04:04.520 --> 01:04:06.439
by a woman that wouldn't give a fuck

1422
01:04:06.520 --> 01:04:09.560
if I dropped down dead
in front of her at the table.

1423
01:04:10.200 --> 01:04:12.359
Thank you very much, O2!

1424
01:04:12.439 --> 01:04:14.160
I've been Jack Whitehall!

1425
01:04:14.240 --> 01:04:15.720
You've been amazing!

1426
01:04:15.799 --> 01:04:16.919
Good night!

1427
01:04:17.000 --> 01:04:22.000
-[audience cheering and applauding]
-["Enigma Variations" playing]

1428
01:04:22.080 --> 01:04:23.040
Thank you!

1429
01:04:23.120 --> 01:04:26.160
[audience whistling]

1430
01:04:31.000 --> 01:04:33.319
["Enigma Variations" continues playing]
nigma Variations" playing]