WEBVTT FILE

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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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<i>Good evening, people of
the Northampton audience,</i>

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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<i>and welcome to "James Acaster:
Hecklers Welcome."</i>

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<i>Before we begin,
here are the house rules.</i>

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Yes!

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Show 'em how we do it!

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This is how we do it!

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Thank you so much, Northampton.

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That felt incredible.

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James Acaster here,
reporting for the best

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evening of his life--

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of his professional
life, absolutely.

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First of all, though,
so you get some context,

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I'm going to tell you about the
worst gig of my entire career.

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Happened in the early days.

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I was baby-faced as hell.

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Before I even got to the mic
stand, a drunk lady heckled me.

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Goes, oi!

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Does your mother know
you're up this late?

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Hey, mate, mate!

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Does your mother know
you're up this late?

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I said, mate, mate, mate, mate!

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Hey, mate!

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Does your mother know
you're up this late?

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Anyway, this is the
story about how once,

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in order to shut up
a heckler, I claimed

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that my mother was dead.

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I looked at this
lady, and I said,

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yeah, my mum's dead, actually.

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And then I followed
it up--some

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people have said
unnecessarily--with,

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really recently as well.

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Because I didn't want
her heckling me again.

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Wanted to make sure that
whatever I said to this woman,

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she'd be silent for
the rest of my time

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onstage, which she
was, by the way,

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along with the rest of the
audience, who felt absolutely

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devoed for the kid
onstage trying to do

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stand-up comedy despite having
recently buried his own mother.

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I had no idea why
I'd done that, man.

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I came offstage
thinking, that was nuts.

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What were you thinking?

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What was that about?

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I've only figured it out
in recent years--

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yeah, I thought so.

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Look, sometimes it's, uh,
just more reassuring to just

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fuck it straight out the gate.

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At least that wasn't
my fault, you know.

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I was heckled by the
microphone today.

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It's called "Hecklers Welcome,"
and the same

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goes for the tech team.

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If they want to
punk me, they can.

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They absolutely did me a treat.

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And actually, may I say as
well, bravo to all of you

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during that, because we
all--we all heard it.

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From the moment--

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from the moment I
started talking,

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everyone was like,
that mic's broke.

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That mic doesn't work.

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He's filming this.

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And all of you absolutely
just homed in on what I

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was saying and were
like, we're gonna--

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we're here for you, man.

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Every time we think we should
laugh, we're going to laugh,

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even though this is
unpleasant on the ears.

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Best gig I've ever had
happened last year in the back

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of a taxicab in London.

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Going home late at night,
the cabbie turns to me.

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Says, James, I've been a cabbie
in London for decades now,

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but I've decided I'm
going to move to Norfolk.

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I want to be
nearer my daughter.

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I was like, man, that's
a beautiful story.

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But you do realize, if you
want to be a cabbie in Norfolk,

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they make you do a really
strict series of exams.

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You've got to memorize all
the routes around Norfolk.

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Every street name,
every road name,

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you've got to have it
in there, ready to go.

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Says, really?

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Yeah, yeah, yeah.

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It's called the Norwich.

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Now, listen, don't worry if
you didn't get that joke.

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Most people don't
get that joke.

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It's what is known
as not a good joke.

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Do it all the way--

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the whole tour, I've done it.

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Uh, rarely goes down well.

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Pretty much goes down the worst
out of all the material every

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single night, consistently.

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But I tell you it
because I've never

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had a joke go down as
well as when I told

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that joke to that cab driver.

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It was tailor-made
for that guy.

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He laughed so much, it
was definitely dangerous.

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He kept remembering
it on the way home,

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laughing again and repeating
"the Norwich" out loud.

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Said he was gonna tell all
the boys at the depot my joke,

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and he told me I was funny.

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Happened to me
last year, but it's

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the first time
in my entire life

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where I've actually
thought to myself,

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I think I could be
a stand-up comedian.

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Now, in order to tell you about
the best gig I've ever seen,

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I have to tell you
about the second-best

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gig I've ever seen--

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David Byrne doing "American
Utopia" live on Broadway.

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Amazing music,
obviously, choreography.

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Did a very nice speech
at the end about how

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important it is to vote.

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Then this big old
curtain came down

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and all the lights came on
in this beautiful

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Broadway theater.

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I was second row,
and in front of me,

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a couple instantly stood
up--middle-aged hipsters,

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I'd say, white hipsters.

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And they turned and they
regarded the whole audience.

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No one else had
even stood up yet.

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And they looked at
each other and went--

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Vote! Vote! Vote! Vote!

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Vote! Vote! Vote! Vote!

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Vote! Vote!
Vote! Vote!

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And, like, not one person
joined in with those people,

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and that is the best
gig I've ever seen.

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David Byrne, number two.

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Those stupid fucking
idiots, number one.

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And I was front row for that,
second row for David Byrne.

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Come on, Kermit!

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Come on, Kermit?

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Oh, man.

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Why did I wear this?

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You absolutely did me.

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I can't believe it.

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I thought this looked cool.

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But you're right, I do
look like Kermit the Frog.

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And you absolutely
took your shot.

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I'm toast.

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Do you have any
idea how it feels

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to be toast with a cameraman
right fucking there?

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This guy stood right as
close to the stage as he can,

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during the lowest
moment of my life.

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I just got called Kermit.

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Kermit the--do you
know who Kermit is?

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He's green.

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He's green frog.

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I'm wearing green.

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And he can pick up all
the sorrow in my eyes.

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It's going better than
when that woman shouted,

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"Does your mother know
you're up this late?" to me.

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I haven't pretended any of
my parents are dead yet.

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That's the bar for me.

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Did I pretend a
relative was dead?

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No?
Well, then it's a success.

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Honestly, man, I didn't know
why I'd said to that audience

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on that night.

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I thought it was nuts.

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And I'm only realizing in
recent years why I did it.

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I think we've all reflected
on ourselves a lot

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in recent years.

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In the lockdowns, we all
learnt a lot about ourselves,

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and what I learnt
about myself was--

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and don't let this
get in your head

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or ruin the show for you in
any way, it's absolutely fine.

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But what I learnt about
myself during lockdown was,

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um, I don't like
doing stand-up comedy.

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And that's not
weird, by the way.

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It's not weird to not enjoy
doing stand-up comedy.

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Like, you know the reason why
none of you do stand-up comedy?

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Same.

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I agree with you.
You're right.

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Just took me 16 years
to figure it out.

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Over 16 years ago,
I was about to do

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my first-ever gig, a little
room above a pub in Kettering.

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I'm about to go onstage, and
the barman sidled up to me

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and said, oi, mate, here's
a bit of trivia for you

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before you do your first show.

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Excitement and
nervousness, they're

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actually the same emotion,
chemically, in your body.

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Just depends if you're
a positive person

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or a negative person,
how you choose

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to interpret that emotion.

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Now, looking around the
room, you've all correctly

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identified that as a lie.

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I wasn't so lucky.

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I was like, thank you,
wise barman.

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That's handy.

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And for the last 16-plus
years, I've been beside

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the stage most nights
of the year going,

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I-I'm excited.

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I'm doing what I love!

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So many times over
the years, people

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have told me I'm brave
for doing stand-up comedy.

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Oh, you're so brave.

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I couldn't do what you do.

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You're so brave.

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Throw the compliment back in
their face every single time.

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I'm not brave!
What are you talking about?

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I'm way too excited
to be brave, mate.

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But now that I
realize how scared

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I am every single evening,
I'm here to tell you,

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I'm brave as hell.

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Don't care.

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Don't care if that
sounds arrogant.

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I'm really brave
doing this job.

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Look, I'm not saying I'm
like a fireman or a soldier

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or anything, but a lifeguard?

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Sure.

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I'm easily as brave
as a lifeguard.

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Uh, a swimming pool
lifeguard, not a beach one.

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Not a beach one.

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In 2019, I did the biggest tour
of my career, rooms this size

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off my own name for
the very first time,

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90% of the year on the road.

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That was the dream when I
started in that little room

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above a pub in Kettering.

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But four nights out of five,
I'd walk out onto the stage

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doing my routine, into my
tightly scripted material,

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and before I even got
to the first punchline,

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someone way up
in the gods who I

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couldn't even see
would interrupt

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me by saying something like--

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I told you I'd do it.
You said I wouldn't do it.

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I told you I'd do it.

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And every time
that happened, I'd

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single out that individual in
front of the entire audience.

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I'd come back with
something witty

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like, um, like, uh, shut the
fuck up, or never fucking come

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and see me again.

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That's funny.

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Or the golden classic,
go fuck yourself.

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That's a fine response, if
you're an edgy comedian,

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if you're, like, Frankie Boyle,
and that suits your persona.

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But if you're walking
onstage like,

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I've started eating
apricots recently.

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Choke on shit,
you fucking cunt!

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I hope you fucking die!

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It's quite the tonal shift.

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No one ever enjoyed that.

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It makes it very hard to
segue into your material

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about starting your own
honey business once you've

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said that sort of stuff.

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I'd yell at them if
they were too noisy.

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I'd yell at them if they
were too quiet as well.

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Nothing was good enough for me.

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If I saw one person
looking bored--

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which, side note, my fault--

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I'd destroy them.

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The rest of the audience could
be laughing their heads off,

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every single person.

249
00:13:12.800 --> 00:13:18.279
If I saw one person
watching me like this--

250
00:13:18.280 --> 00:13:21.839
which, by the way, that's
how I watch everything.

251
00:13:21.840 --> 00:13:23.799
That's me watching
the funniest comedian

252
00:13:23.800 --> 00:13:25.560
I've ever seen in my life.

253
00:13:29.280 --> 00:13:31.160
Nish is good.

254
00:13:35.080 --> 00:13:38.239
I think I've laughed out loud
as part of an audience twice

255
00:13:38.240 --> 00:13:40.159
my entire life, both
times in the cinema,

256
00:13:40.160 --> 00:13:43.399
so it weren't even live.

257
00:13:43.400 --> 00:13:47.759
I laughed when Jack Black
kicked the dog off the bridge,

258
00:13:47.760 --> 00:13:50.679
and I laughed when Mini
Me humped the laser.

259
00:13:50.680 --> 00:13:55.119
They're the two times that
this sophisticated fella

260
00:13:55.120 --> 00:13:56.799
has laughed with other people.

261
00:13:56.800 --> 00:14:00.359
And I'm bollocking you nightly.

262
00:14:00.360 --> 00:14:01.799
I'm not alone, though.

263
00:14:01.800 --> 00:14:04.319
Most comics don't deal
with it very well if you

264
00:14:04.320 --> 00:14:05.679
don't laugh at their jokes.

265
00:14:05.680 --> 00:14:07.999
Nine times out of
10, we'll blame you.

266
00:14:08.000 --> 00:14:09.599
We'll go on the offensive.

267
00:14:09.600 --> 00:14:12.719
The comedian will say something
like, oh, I'm sorry, guys.

268
00:14:12.720 --> 00:14:15.239
Oh, did I cross the line?

269
00:14:15.240 --> 00:14:18.359
Oh, are my radical thoughts too
much for your puny

270
00:14:18.360 --> 00:14:20.839
snowflake brains?

271
00:14:20.840 --> 00:14:22.919
They'll never be like,
oh, I'm sorry, guys.

272
00:14:22.920 --> 00:14:25.720
Was that underwritten
and poorly performed?

273
00:14:31.920 --> 00:14:35.479
I saw a comedian recently
go, oh, I'm sorry, guys.

274
00:14:35.480 --> 00:14:38.159
Oh, getting offended
early, are we?

275
00:14:38.160 --> 00:14:42.959
Well, let me explain
something to you about comedy.

276
00:14:42.960 --> 00:14:45.799
Comedy always comes

277
00:14:45.800 --> 00:14:49.799
from a place of love, OK?

278
00:14:49.800 --> 00:14:54.799
It never comes from
a place of hate.

279
00:14:54.800 --> 00:14:56.919
And I was at the
back of the room

280
00:14:56.920 --> 00:15:01.319
like, well, I wouldn't
be so sure about that.

281
00:15:01.320 --> 00:15:03.759
Well, I for one know that I'm
going to go home and write

282
00:15:03.760 --> 00:15:06.879
a routine about this.

283
00:15:06.880 --> 00:15:10.679
And coming from no place of
love, I'll tell you that much.

284
00:15:10.680 --> 00:15:12.600
Hate that comedian.
Hope they're dead.

285
00:15:14.400 --> 00:15:15.559
I do.

286
00:15:15.560 --> 00:15:18.359
I hope them and their
entire fan base die soon.

287
00:15:18.360 --> 00:15:20.719
That's what I hope.

288
00:15:20.720 --> 00:15:23.199
I hope that happens.

289
00:15:23.200 --> 00:15:24.839
I hope they fall down
a manhole, all of them,

290
00:15:24.840 --> 00:15:27.359
same manhole, one
after the other.

291
00:15:27.360 --> 00:15:29.399
I hope they're out doing
a conga celebrating

292
00:15:29.400 --> 00:15:32.359
their free speech,
and they tumble down

293
00:15:32.360 --> 00:15:34.199
an open manhole like a slinky.

294
00:15:34.200 --> 00:15:36.999
I hope that happens, and they
complain all the way down

295
00:15:37.000 --> 00:15:39.839
that they're being silenced,
and then they splatter into one

296
00:15:39.840 --> 00:15:41.279
another like a domino effect.

297
00:15:41.280 --> 00:15:43.159
I hope that happens.
That's funny to me.

298
00:15:43.160 --> 00:15:44.879
I think that's funny.

299
00:15:44.880 --> 00:15:46.720
That's comedy.
That's comedy.

300
00:15:48.000 --> 00:15:49.639
No, I know I'm
stood up here having

301
00:15:49.640 --> 00:15:51.319
a go at comedians, like
there's no such thing

302
00:15:51.320 --> 00:15:53.239
as a bad audience.

303
00:15:53.240 --> 00:15:55.279
Of course there is.

304
00:15:55.280 --> 00:15:58.239
I've been a member
of bad audiences.

305
00:15:58.240 --> 00:16:02.439
Worst audience I've ever
been in, I was 13 years old.

306
00:16:02.440 --> 00:16:03.800
School assembly.

307
00:16:07.600 --> 00:16:11.079
But it was more of a missed
booking than anything.

308
00:16:11.080 --> 00:16:12.559
For reasons still
unknown to me,

309
00:16:12.560 --> 00:16:14.119
they'd got a yoga
instructor to come in

310
00:16:14.120 --> 00:16:16.039
and talk to us
about the benefits

311
00:16:16.040 --> 00:16:19.119
of regularly practicing yoga.

312
00:16:19.120 --> 00:16:20.840
I don't know if
you've ever been 13.

313
00:16:22.920 --> 00:16:25.239
You're the most supple
person on the planet.

314
00:16:25.240 --> 00:16:27.359
The only thing you respect
less than stretching

315
00:16:27.360 --> 00:16:29.999
is anyone who appears
vaguely religious.

316
00:16:30.000 --> 00:16:33.119
Absolutely tore this
prick to ribbons.

317
00:16:33.120 --> 00:16:34.759
As soon as he
walked onstage, we

318
00:16:34.760 --> 00:16:38.919
identified he was physically
strong, but mentally weak.

319
00:16:38.920 --> 00:16:40.719
The most pathetic
thing, to this day,

320
00:16:40.720 --> 00:16:43.679
I've ever heard anyone say to
their audience is this yoga

321
00:16:43.680 --> 00:16:45.719
instructor going,
please, children,

322
00:16:45.720 --> 00:16:48.960
if you don't stop screaming,
I can't tell you my secrets.

323
00:16:52.280 --> 00:16:53.239
Still makes me smile.

324
00:16:53.240 --> 00:16:54.279
I love it.

325
00:16:54.280 --> 00:16:55.999
So sad.

326
00:16:56.000 --> 00:16:59.479
I can't tell you my secrets.

327
00:16:59.480 --> 00:17:02.319
These aren't secrets, old man!

328
00:17:02.320 --> 00:17:03.679
These aren't secrets.

329
00:17:03.680 --> 00:17:06.399
You're a random white
guy from Kettering.

330
00:17:06.400 --> 00:17:10.120
Everything you know about yoga
is in the public domain, Derek.

331
00:17:15.960 --> 00:17:17.759
It was a shame, though.

332
00:17:17.760 --> 00:17:19.919
I used to love it when people
came in from outside of school

333
00:17:19.920 --> 00:17:20.919
to talk to us.

334
00:17:20.920 --> 00:17:22.839
Those were my favorite days.

335
00:17:22.840 --> 00:17:25.239
When I was five,
my grandmother came

336
00:17:25.240 --> 00:17:27.119
into my primary school
class to give a talk

337
00:17:27.120 --> 00:17:28.959
about the spinning wheel.

338
00:17:28.960 --> 00:17:31.800
And that's not normal
where I'm from, either.

339
00:17:35.880 --> 00:17:37.279
And I've got no answers
to your questions.

340
00:17:37.280 --> 00:17:38.359
I'm sorry, I don't--

341
00:17:38.360 --> 00:17:40.079
I don't know why it happened.

342
00:17:40.080 --> 00:17:41.479
I was five.
I just accepted it.

343
00:17:41.480 --> 00:17:43.919
Everything was happening
to me for the first time.

344
00:17:43.920 --> 00:17:46.119
Then I grew up and
realized it was weird,

345
00:17:46.120 --> 00:17:47.479
but by then she
had passed away.

346
00:17:47.480 --> 00:17:49.199
I couldn't ask her
why it had happened.

347
00:17:49.200 --> 00:17:52.159
So I asked my parents
and they said, we weren't

348
00:17:52.160 --> 00:17:53.320
aware that had happened.

349
00:17:56.120 --> 00:17:57.159
Took it to the grave.

350
00:17:57.160 --> 00:17:58.760
Nothing but respect
for that woman.

351
00:18:01.280 --> 00:18:04.839
She brought in this big
old wooden spinning wheel

352
00:18:04.840 --> 00:18:08.079
from home, and she
put it in front of us.

353
00:18:08.080 --> 00:18:10.919
There's like 35
five-year-olds sat

354
00:18:10.920 --> 00:18:12.039
on the floor in front of her.

355
00:18:12.040 --> 00:18:13.239
She's on a stool.

356
00:18:13.240 --> 00:18:15.839
I can't remember what
the talk was exactly.

357
00:18:15.840 --> 00:18:18.720
It was something along the
lines of, I fucking love this.

358
00:18:34.400 --> 00:18:36.279
Oh, I remember how
she ended her set.

359
00:18:36.280 --> 00:18:39.759
At the end of her
set, she goes,

360
00:18:39.760 --> 00:18:42.799
who wants to come up here, have
a go on the spinning wheel?

361
00:18:42.800 --> 00:18:45.039
As soon as she said
that, all I wanted

362
00:18:45.040 --> 00:18:48.039
to do for the rest of
my natural-born life

363
00:18:48.040 --> 00:18:51.199
was spin wool in
front of an audience.

364
00:18:51.200 --> 00:18:54.959
It's just burning deep
within my heart, that desire.

365
00:18:54.960 --> 00:18:56.239
Put my hand up.

366
00:18:56.240 --> 00:18:57.919
This is one of those
stories, let's face it,

367
00:18:57.920 --> 00:18:59.159
I don't have to end this story.

368
00:18:59.160 --> 00:19:00.319
You know how this story ends.

369
00:19:00.320 --> 00:19:02.199
You know what happens
next, at least.

370
00:19:02.200 --> 00:19:04.879
You know she didn't pick me.

371
00:19:04.880 --> 00:19:06.079
Of course not.

372
00:19:06.080 --> 00:19:07.839
She picked three
other kids, and I

373
00:19:07.840 --> 00:19:11.119
did the classy thing and burst
into loud, unignorable tears.

374
00:19:11.120 --> 00:19:12.999
I went berserk, in floods.

375
00:19:13.000 --> 00:19:14.639
In floods.

376
00:19:14.640 --> 00:19:16.159
She panicked.

377
00:19:16.160 --> 00:19:18.079
Um, OK, yeah, I think we've
got time for one more.

378
00:19:18.080 --> 00:19:20.479
Come on up here, James, even
though I see you every Sunday,

379
00:19:20.480 --> 00:19:22.720
and you've never once shown an
interest in the spinning wheel.

380
00:19:24.640 --> 00:19:28.319
And I'm staggering over my
classmates, just still at a 10,

381
00:19:28.320 --> 00:19:30.839
raining down tears on them.

382
00:19:30.840 --> 00:19:32.119
And my body had
gone all floppy,

383
00:19:32.120 --> 00:19:33.559
like, with emotion, I guess.

384
00:19:33.560 --> 00:19:35.279
So I couldn't stand
at the spinning wheel

385
00:19:35.280 --> 00:19:38.159
like the other kids had done
and use the pedal with dignity.

386
00:19:38.160 --> 00:19:40.399
Instead, my grandmother's
operating the pedal,

387
00:19:40.400 --> 00:19:42.879
and she sits me on her knee.

388
00:19:42.880 --> 00:19:47.279
I'm just lolloping
around, one hand

389
00:19:47.280 --> 00:19:50.479
holding the wool here,
just open-eye crying

390
00:19:50.480 --> 00:19:52.280
at all of my classmates.

391
00:19:57.720 --> 00:19:59.239
And, like, for way too long.

392
00:19:59.240 --> 00:20:01.719
She didn't have to spin that
much wool, in my opinion.

393
00:20:01.720 --> 00:20:02.799
We're not selling it.

394
00:20:02.800 --> 00:20:05.920
Slow down, Nan.
What's--

395
00:20:10.120 --> 00:20:13.079
And that,
it's important to note,

396
00:20:13.080 --> 00:20:15.480
was my first time ever
in front of an audience.

397
00:20:19.280 --> 00:20:22.959
And when I told my
therapist that story,

398
00:20:22.960 --> 00:20:27.719
he was like, uh-huh.

399
00:20:27.720 --> 00:20:30.639
Yeah, that's why, James.

400
00:20:30.640 --> 00:20:34.079
That's why everything.

401
00:20:34.080 --> 00:20:37.400
That's why absolutely
everything about you.

402
00:20:41.000 --> 00:20:42.919
He goes, James, this
story is very important,

403
00:20:42.920 --> 00:20:44.119
what you've just told me.

404
00:20:44.120 --> 00:20:46.319
You've got to bear it in mind.

405
00:20:46.320 --> 00:20:48.679
You've got to remember,
every time you're

406
00:20:48.680 --> 00:20:50.839
onstage in front
of an audience,

407
00:20:50.840 --> 00:20:53.479
it's not just you up there.

408
00:20:53.480 --> 00:20:56.679
That little boy is
up there as well,

409
00:20:56.680 --> 00:21:00.599
and you've got to
protect that boy.

410
00:21:00.600 --> 00:21:05.279
Which, uh, I'd say is like,
um, harder than what I

411
00:21:05.280 --> 00:21:07.559
was doing in the first place.

412
00:21:07.560 --> 00:21:09.359
Like, stand-up comedy is
already pretty difficult.

413
00:21:09.360 --> 00:21:12.119
Now I've got to protect a
boy every time I'm up here?

414
00:21:12.120 --> 00:21:14.839
No wonder I was coming out with
my guard up night after night.

415
00:21:14.840 --> 00:21:17.599
Someone heckles me--
he's just a boy!

416
00:21:17.600 --> 00:21:20.039
Leave the boy alone!

417
00:21:20.040 --> 00:21:21.159
Get behind me, boy.

418
00:21:21.160 --> 00:21:24.000
I'll protect you.

419
00:21:26.880 --> 00:21:31.639
I've got to protect that boy,
man, through the ages as well.

420
00:21:31.640 --> 00:21:33.519
I've got to protect that
five-year-old boy sat

421
00:21:33.520 --> 00:21:35.399
at the spinning wheel, sure.

422
00:21:35.400 --> 00:21:39.079
But I've also got to protect
the six-year-old boy who's

423
00:21:39.080 --> 00:21:40.959
looking in his
parents' bedroom mirror

424
00:21:40.960 --> 00:21:45.039
and practicing his Prince
Charles impression.

425
00:21:45.040 --> 00:21:47.800
That kid needs a
lot of protecting.

426
00:21:49.720 --> 00:21:51.879
The most cringe moment
of my entire life, and I

427
00:21:51.880 --> 00:21:55.439
was the only person
there for it.

428
00:21:55.440 --> 00:21:58.359
It was bad, man.

429
00:21:58.360 --> 00:21:59.719
Sat on the bed.

430
00:21:59.720 --> 00:22:00.719
I closed the door.

431
00:22:00.720 --> 00:22:01.800
I'm looking in the mirror.

432
00:22:04.040 --> 00:22:06.239
For context, I'd entered
the school talent show

433
00:22:06.240 --> 00:22:07.479
and said I could do
impressions, when

434
00:22:07.480 --> 00:22:09.919
I couldn't do impressions.

435
00:22:09.920 --> 00:22:11.639
I was six.
So I was a liar.

436
00:22:11.640 --> 00:22:13.079
So what?

437
00:22:13.080 --> 00:22:14.799
I didn't know that
no six-year-old ever

438
00:22:14.800 --> 00:22:17.839
has done a good impression.

439
00:22:17.840 --> 00:22:21.039
I don't know--none
of you know a six--

440
00:22:21.040 --> 00:22:24.079
none of you know a
six-year-old who's good at--

441
00:22:24.080 --> 00:22:26.199
none of you know a six-year-old
who's like, come over.

442
00:22:26.200 --> 00:22:27.319
Have you met John's kid?

443
00:22:27.320 --> 00:22:29.359
He does an amazing McConaughey.

444
00:22:29.360 --> 00:22:31.839
Listen to this kid.

445
00:22:31.840 --> 00:22:34.000
All right,
all right, all right.

446
00:22:37.440 --> 00:22:38.679
Whoo!

447
00:22:38.680 --> 00:22:40.479
Yeah, that kid's good.

448
00:22:40.480 --> 00:22:43.359
Oh, they love you
in Northampton.

449
00:22:43.360 --> 00:22:46.319
You've never gotten applause
all tour, little kid.

450
00:22:46.320 --> 00:22:48.159
Do you want to do--do
you want to do some more

451
00:22:48.160 --> 00:22:49.880
McConaughey for them?

452
00:22:55.520 --> 00:22:56.760
The kid's great.

453
00:22:59.840 --> 00:23:01.639
You're killing!

454
00:23:01.640 --> 00:23:05.159
Do you want to do--you want
to do one more before you go?

455
00:23:05.160 --> 00:23:06.599
Do "True Detective."

456
00:23:06.600 --> 00:23:09.359
Do "True Detective"
McConaughey.

457
00:23:09.360 --> 00:23:11.240
Time is a flat circle.

458
00:23:13.640 --> 00:23:19.479
That's--that's dark from a
little kid, but well done.

459
00:23:19.480 --> 00:23:20.639
They didn't like
that one as much.

460
00:23:20.640 --> 00:23:22.999
That was too dark, actually.

461
00:23:23.000 --> 00:23:25.639
The "Wall Street" stuff
was fun, but time is

462
00:23:25.640 --> 00:23:27.240
a flat circle is a bit much.

463
00:23:30.200 --> 00:23:33.959
Time is a flat circle.

464
00:23:33.960 --> 00:23:37.199
James.

465
00:23:37.200 --> 00:23:39.439
Hello, Jilly.

466
00:23:39.440 --> 00:23:40.399
Hello, how are you?

467
00:23:40.400 --> 00:23:41.439
Can you take the mic?

468
00:23:41.440 --> 00:23:43.079
Yeah, OK.

469
00:23:43.080 --> 00:23:45.759
I'll take the mic, and we're
going to switch the clip now.

470
00:23:45.760 --> 00:23:47.679
Ah.

471
00:23:47.680 --> 00:23:50.160
What other McConaughey
films are there?

472
00:23:57.320 --> 00:23:59.999
Oh, I'll tell you what I'll
do for "Dallas Buyers Club."

473
00:24:00.000 --> 00:24:02.559
I'll do his Oscar
acceptance speech,

474
00:24:02.560 --> 00:24:05.079
because I remember that because
he won the Oscar for it.

475
00:24:05.080 --> 00:24:07.519
And it was this
acceptance speech

476
00:24:07.520 --> 00:24:11.839
I think about all the time.

477
00:24:11.840 --> 00:24:16.519
When I was
a kid, this guy I knew

478
00:24:16.520 --> 00:24:19.519
said to me, who's your hero?

479
00:24:19.520 --> 00:24:21.879
Who--who's your hero?

480
00:24:21.880 --> 00:24:26.200
And I said, myself
in 10 years' time.

481
00:24:33.880 --> 00:24:38.199
Then 10 years later,
I saw that man again.

482
00:24:38.200 --> 00:24:43.559
And he said to me, you--
are you your hero yet?

483
00:24:43.560 --> 00:24:47.399
And I said, hell, no.

484
00:24:47.400 --> 00:24:48.799
He said, right.

485
00:24:48.800 --> 00:24:51.159
Well, now who's your hero?

486
00:24:51.160 --> 00:24:52.600
And I thought about it.

487
00:24:57.480 --> 00:25:01.320
And I said, myself
in 10 years' time.

488
00:25:03.880 --> 00:25:09.599
And I will always be my
own hero in 10 years' time.

489
00:25:09.600 --> 00:25:11.759
And I thank you for this
award, and I thank the Academy.

490
00:25:11.760 --> 00:25:13.600
Thank you very much.

491
00:25:17.080 --> 00:25:18.279
Hello--this is it.

492
00:25:18.280 --> 00:25:19.519
Here we go.

493
00:25:19.520 --> 00:25:22.759
This is--I'm six years
old, and this is verbatim

494
00:25:22.760 --> 00:25:24.079
what I did on the day.

495
00:25:24.080 --> 00:25:25.839
I remember it,
seared into my mind

496
00:25:25.840 --> 00:25:28.319
because it was so embarrassing.

497
00:25:28.320 --> 00:25:33.200
Hello, my
name is Prince Charles.

498
00:25:35.920 --> 00:25:37.239
Now, I know it's
been a long build-up,

499
00:25:37.240 --> 00:25:38.839
but I'm going to put
a pause in there.

500
00:25:38.840 --> 00:25:42.399
We're, um--we're halfway
through the impression.

501
00:25:42.400 --> 00:25:44.519
And I only put a pause in
because there's absolutely

502
00:25:44.520 --> 00:25:47.279
no way that any of you
will be able to guess

503
00:25:47.280 --> 00:25:48.920
where it goes next, so.

504
00:25:51.200 --> 00:25:56.400
Hello, my
name is Prince Charles.

505
00:26:07.040 --> 00:26:09.799
That's the cat.

506
00:26:09.800 --> 00:26:14.599
And that is how long my career
as an impressionist lasted.

507
00:26:14.600 --> 00:26:20.159
You are correct in thinking
that the very next morning, I

508
00:26:20.160 --> 00:26:22.719
marched straight into
school, and I said

509
00:26:22.720 --> 00:26:25.559
the familiar catchphrase,
hello, Mrs. Weaver,

510
00:26:25.560 --> 00:26:28.759
I'd like to pull out of
the school talent show, please.

511
00:26:28.760 --> 00:26:31.479
Why?
Because I'm not talented.

512
00:26:31.480 --> 00:26:33.879
Because I don't have a talent.

513
00:26:33.880 --> 00:26:35.599
That was my main takeaway.

514
00:26:35.600 --> 00:26:37.119
I hadn't even been onstage yet
in my life

515
00:26:37.120 --> 00:26:38.119
and done a proper gig.

516
00:26:38.120 --> 00:26:39.639
I'm not talented.

517
00:26:39.640 --> 00:26:42.119
So if you've ever seen me
over the years at a gig--

518
00:26:42.120 --> 00:26:44.079
and some of you will
have, statistically,

519
00:26:44.080 --> 00:26:46.239
would have seen me at a gig
that's going quite well.

520
00:26:46.240 --> 00:26:49.439
And then out of nowhere, and
you don't even understand it

521
00:26:49.440 --> 00:26:51.359
as an audience member,
I start telling

522
00:26:51.360 --> 00:26:53.119
you the gig's going shit.

523
00:26:53.120 --> 00:26:55.639
Oh, this gig's shit,
this is a shit gig.

524
00:26:55.640 --> 00:26:58.879
Just know it's nothing
to do with you.

525
00:26:58.880 --> 00:27:01.639
All I've seen most nights, when
I look out into the audience,

526
00:27:01.640 --> 00:27:04.839
is my own six-year-old
face looking back at me

527
00:27:04.840 --> 00:27:06.759
in the mirror
going, that doesn't

528
00:27:06.760 --> 00:27:08.240
sound like Prince Charles.

529
00:27:10.160 --> 00:27:12.759
Why is there a cat in this?

530
00:27:12.760 --> 00:27:14.599
Well, they're
famously a dog family.

531
00:27:14.600 --> 00:27:16.280
They like corgis.
They like cor--

532
00:27:17.320 --> 00:27:19.679
Could have been worse.

533
00:27:19.680 --> 00:27:21.039
Could have been worse?

534
00:27:21.040 --> 00:27:22.999
Could have been Prince
Andrew in the '90s.

535
00:27:23.000 --> 00:27:24.359
Huh?

536
00:27:24.360 --> 00:27:26.639
Could have been Prince
Andrew in the '90s.

537
00:27:26.640 --> 00:27:29.360
And applause for a pedophile.

538
00:27:32.840 --> 00:27:34.399
Would you--I mean,
what's your name,

539
00:27:34.400 --> 00:27:35.639
the person who heckled that?

540
00:27:35.640 --> 00:27:37.359
- Danny.
- Danny.

541
00:27:37.360 --> 00:27:38.559
Yes, made-up name.

542
00:27:38.560 --> 00:27:41.759
Um, Danny, can you, uh,
do an impression

543
00:27:41.760 --> 00:27:43.440
of Prince Andrew
in the '90s, please?

544
00:27:44.720 --> 00:27:46.039
It's not wise.

545
00:27:46.040 --> 00:27:47.999
It's not wise?

546
00:27:48.000 --> 00:27:51.279
That should have been what
he said in the '90s, maybe.

547
00:27:51.280 --> 00:27:52.519
That would have been good.

548
00:27:52.520 --> 00:27:55.600
That would have saved
us all a lot of trouble.

549
00:27:58.600 --> 00:28:00.479
I've got to protect
the eight-year-old

550
00:28:00.480 --> 00:28:04.879
boy, who apropos of
nothing entered the family

551
00:28:04.880 --> 00:28:06.000
dog into a dog show.

552
00:28:11.600 --> 00:28:13.239
I didn't know I was even
going to go to a dog show

553
00:28:13.240 --> 00:28:14.520
when I woke up that morning.

554
00:28:17.040 --> 00:28:19.279
We're walking in the
woods, whole family,

555
00:28:19.280 --> 00:28:21.199
and we come out to
this big open field.

556
00:28:21.200 --> 00:28:23.079
Amateur dog show going
on, out of nowhere.

557
00:28:23.080 --> 00:28:25.799
I didn't know that
was going to happen.

558
00:28:25.800 --> 00:28:28.639
People sitting on picnic
blankets watching it.

559
00:28:28.640 --> 00:28:32.079
As soon as I sat
down in the grass,

560
00:28:32.080 --> 00:28:35.679
all I wanted to do for the
rest of my natural-born life

561
00:28:35.680 --> 00:28:39.559
was enter and win
amateur dog shows.

562
00:28:39.560 --> 00:28:41.159
Deep within my heart,
it's all I wanted to do.

563
00:28:41.160 --> 00:28:43.079
Now, I did have a dog
with me at the time,

564
00:28:43.080 --> 00:28:46.400
but she was not what I would
refer to as competition-ready.

565
00:28:48.400 --> 00:28:50.359
It's a miniature sausage
dog, very much the runt

566
00:28:50.360 --> 00:28:51.839
of the litter as well.

567
00:28:51.840 --> 00:28:53.759
When we originally got her
from this lady's house,

568
00:28:53.760 --> 00:28:55.599
there was loads of healthy
miniature sausage dog puppies

569
00:28:55.600 --> 00:28:57.199
running around.

570
00:28:57.200 --> 00:28:58.959
And then there was one that was
more miniature than the rest

571
00:28:58.960 --> 00:29:00.759
of them, had a curved spine,
a tail that went directly

572
00:29:00.760 --> 00:29:06.479
upwards like a dodgem, and ears
that came out like handlebars.

573
00:29:06.480 --> 00:29:08.279
And we all agreed,
as a family, we

574
00:29:08.280 --> 00:29:09.759
had to take that
one home with us,

575
00:29:09.760 --> 00:29:12.440
or we'd worry about her
for the rest of our lives.

576
00:29:14.920 --> 00:29:17.879
Now, for years my dad had been
saying no to getting a dog,

577
00:29:17.880 --> 00:29:19.319
but we'd worn him down.

578
00:29:19.320 --> 00:29:21.319
He'd gone, OK,
fine, you can have

579
00:29:21.320 --> 00:29:23.759
a dog, under one condition.

580
00:29:23.760 --> 00:29:25.479
I'm the oldest of three.
We're primary school kids.

581
00:29:25.480 --> 00:29:26.919
We think this
condition is going

582
00:29:26.920 --> 00:29:28.399
to involve learning
some responsibility,

583
00:29:28.400 --> 00:29:29.919
something like that.

584
00:29:29.920 --> 00:29:31.799
We've got to tidy up after
it, feed it every day.

585
00:29:31.800 --> 00:29:36.799
Instead, this 40-year-old
man goes, OK, you can have

586
00:29:36.800 --> 00:29:39.279
a dog under one condition--

587
00:29:39.280 --> 00:29:40.600
I get to name it.

588
00:29:44.600 --> 00:29:46.159
You know when you
realize your parents

589
00:29:46.160 --> 00:29:48.439
are just little kids as well?

590
00:29:48.440 --> 00:29:50.199
He just wanted to name a doggy.
That's adorable.

591
00:29:50.200 --> 00:29:52.039
And he named it what a little
kid would have named it.

592
00:29:52.040 --> 00:29:55.999
He named a miniature
sausage dog Minney.

593
00:29:56.000 --> 00:29:57.559
That's cute, but I
don't think he needed

594
00:29:57.560 --> 00:29:59.319
to grab the wheel on this one.

595
00:29:59.320 --> 00:30:00.839
We're three primary
school kids.

596
00:30:00.840 --> 00:30:03.199
Our first three suggestions
were Mini, Sausage, and Dog.

597
00:30:03.200 --> 00:30:05.439
You don't need to get
involved in this, David.

598
00:30:05.440 --> 00:30:06.560
Stand easy.

599
00:30:09.520 --> 00:30:11.919
And he could tell we
weren't impressed.

600
00:30:11.920 --> 00:30:17.240
And he goes, well, it's
not spelt how you think.

601
00:30:20.120 --> 00:30:24.119
How's it spelt, then, champ?

602
00:30:24.120 --> 00:30:27.880
M-I-N-N-E-Y.

603
00:30:34.760 --> 00:30:37.239
And my mum asked him why
it was spelt that way.

604
00:30:37.240 --> 00:30:40.559
And at the time he was a
secondary school teacher.

605
00:30:40.560 --> 00:30:43.359
He goes, oh, because 10
years ago I taught this boy,

606
00:30:43.360 --> 00:30:45.279
and his name was
Stephen Minney.

607
00:30:45.280 --> 00:30:48.560
And that's how his
name was spelt.

608
00:30:51.880 --> 00:30:54.799
I remember being confused
but angry at the same time.

609
00:30:54.800 --> 00:30:56.439
I wasn't thinking any
of the darker thoughts

610
00:30:56.440 --> 00:30:57.879
that some of you are
currently thinking.

611
00:30:57.880 --> 00:31:00.079
I mean, the Prince
Andrew hecklers put

612
00:31:00.080 --> 00:31:02.919
certain things in your head.

613
00:31:02.920 --> 00:31:05.079
Don't get me--I'm sure as
soon as we left the room,

614
00:31:05.080 --> 00:31:06.479
my mum was like,
right, who's this boy

615
00:31:06.480 --> 00:31:07.959
and why does he
mean so much to you?

616
00:31:07.960 --> 00:31:11.159
That--that conversation
was definitely had.

617
00:31:11.160 --> 00:31:13.559
But we were just like,
our dad's weird, isn't he?

618
00:31:13.560 --> 00:31:14.960
We got a weird dad.

619
00:31:18.040 --> 00:31:18.999
But here's the thing.

620
00:31:19.000 --> 00:31:20.279
I'm 39 now.

621
00:31:20.280 --> 00:31:22.439
I'm almost as old
as he was, and I'm

622
00:31:22.440 --> 00:31:25.879
concerned I'm turning into
him, because now I agree

623
00:31:25.880 --> 00:31:28.039
with him that that's funny.

624
00:31:28.040 --> 00:31:31.599
I think it's objectively
funny, face-value funny,

625
00:31:31.600 --> 00:31:33.639
if your kids want
a dog, to name

626
00:31:33.640 --> 00:31:37.519
that dog after some completely
different kid who they've

627
00:31:37.520 --> 00:31:38.919
never met in their
lives, they've

628
00:31:38.920 --> 00:31:40.879
got no frame of reference for.

629
00:31:40.880 --> 00:31:42.639
And as a result
of him doing that,

630
00:31:42.640 --> 00:31:46.800
every day of that dog's life,
I thought about Stephen Minney.

631
00:31:48.680 --> 00:31:50.839
Me, my brother, and sister
would talk about Stephen Minney

632
00:31:50.840 --> 00:31:54.079
all the time, long
conversations speculating what

633
00:31:54.080 --> 00:31:56.679
he might be up to as an adult.

634
00:31:56.680 --> 00:31:58.999
Do you think Stephen Minney
still lives in the borough?

635
00:31:59.000 --> 00:32:01.360
How do you think Stephen
Minney earns a crust?

636
00:32:05.000 --> 00:32:06.959
I found out what happened
to Stephen Minney

637
00:32:06.960 --> 00:32:09.159
when I was 10 years old.

638
00:32:09.160 --> 00:32:11.719
I'd joined the Cub
Scouts, and twist

639
00:32:11.720 --> 00:32:16.919
of all twists, Stephen Minney
was my Cub Scout leader.

640
00:32:16.920 --> 00:32:18.479
It's pure coincidence.

641
00:32:18.480 --> 00:32:20.719
I know that Kettering is a
small town, but that's wild.

642
00:32:20.720 --> 00:32:22.279
But here's the thing.

643
00:32:22.280 --> 00:32:26.159
I didn't know that Stephen
Minney was my Cub Scout leader,

644
00:32:26.160 --> 00:32:27.679
because--and if you've
ever been involved

645
00:32:27.680 --> 00:32:29.399
in Cub Scouts you'll
already know this,

646
00:32:29.400 --> 00:32:34.319
but Cub Scout leaders don't
go by their actual names.

647
00:32:34.320 --> 00:32:37.199
Instead, they call themselves--
and if you've not ever

648
00:32:37.200 --> 00:32:39.399
been involved in Cub
Scouts, heads up,

649
00:32:39.400 --> 00:32:41.759
this will sound bananas--

650
00:32:41.760 --> 00:32:43.639
they call themselves
names of characters

651
00:32:43.640 --> 00:32:45.400
from "The Jungle Book."

652
00:32:48.160 --> 00:32:50.119
I'm just going to let
you get used to living

653
00:32:50.120 --> 00:32:51.200
in a world where that's true.

654
00:32:54.320 --> 00:32:55.639
It's a true story.

655
00:32:55.640 --> 00:32:57.359
They call themselves,
like, Bagheera, Akela.

656
00:32:57.360 --> 00:32:59.799
You know, better names for
dogs than Stephen Minney.

657
00:32:59.800 --> 00:33:01.040
That's what they
all call themselves.

658
00:33:05.720 --> 00:33:07.439
And then they made us
call them that as well.

659
00:33:07.440 --> 00:33:09.759
As a little kid, I had to go up
and, like, look at a grown man

660
00:33:09.760 --> 00:33:12.519
and be like, hello, Baloo,
how was your weekend?

661
00:33:12.520 --> 00:33:14.079
Like, yeah, good, thank you.

662
00:33:14.080 --> 00:33:15.759
Now do this Illuminati
sign with your hands

663
00:33:15.760 --> 00:33:17.640
and tell me how much
you love the Queen.

664
00:33:21.640 --> 00:33:24.239
I promise to do my best--

665
00:33:24.240 --> 00:33:26.359
to do my--that's what
they--they made me

666
00:33:26.360 --> 00:33:27.679
recite that as a 10-year-old.

667
00:33:27.680 --> 00:33:30.279
Every week, I had
to say, I promise

668
00:33:30.280 --> 00:33:34.639
to do my best,
to do my duty to God

669
00:33:34.640 --> 00:33:37.799
and to the Queen.

670
00:33:37.800 --> 00:33:39.519
And if I didn't say
it, I was not permitted

671
00:33:39.520 --> 00:33:41.200
to play with a foam football.

672
00:33:48.000 --> 00:33:49.360
I had no idea--

673
00:33:53.720 --> 00:33:55.560
That Shere Khan was
Stephen Minney--

674
00:34:05.000 --> 00:34:08.479
Until one day, my dad came to
pick me up from Cub Scouts,

675
00:34:08.480 --> 00:34:11.600
and he starts chatting
to Shere Khan.

676
00:34:15.080 --> 00:34:16.119
I'm in the car.

677
00:34:16.120 --> 00:34:17.839
I'm waiting for them to
wrap it up in the corridor.

678
00:34:17.840 --> 00:34:19.559
Half an hour I'm
waiting for them.

679
00:34:19.560 --> 00:34:21.119
All the other Cub
Scouts had gone home,

680
00:34:21.120 --> 00:34:22.799
all the other Cub Scout
leaders, King Louis

681
00:34:22.800 --> 00:34:24.280
and that lot, they'd gone.

682
00:34:29.840 --> 00:34:32.599
When my dad's driving
me home later,

683
00:34:32.600 --> 00:34:35.439
he goes, do you know
who that was, who

684
00:34:35.440 --> 00:34:36.600
I was chatting to back there?

685
00:34:39.240 --> 00:34:40.639
Yeah, Dad.

686
00:34:40.640 --> 00:34:41.599
His name's Shere Khan.

687
00:34:41.600 --> 00:34:43.559
I see him every week.

688
00:34:43.560 --> 00:34:45.160
I know him better than you do.

689
00:34:48.600 --> 00:34:49.759
No.

690
00:34:49.760 --> 00:34:53.440
That was Stephen Minney.

691
00:34:54.040 --> 00:34:56.239
The Stephen Minney?
Are you joking?

692
00:34:56.240 --> 00:34:58.399
That's not funny if
you've made that up, Dad.

693
00:34:58.400 --> 00:35:00.759
That's the man we named the
sausage dog after back there?

694
00:35:00.760 --> 00:35:02.319
Are you for serious?

695
00:35:02.320 --> 00:35:04.080
Are you for serious right now?

696
00:35:07.920 --> 00:35:09.519
Yep.

697
00:35:09.520 --> 00:35:14.679
That's the Stephen Minney, who
we named the sausage dog after.

698
00:35:14.680 --> 00:35:17.719
And what he didn't
then tell me was,

699
00:35:17.720 --> 00:35:20.640
obviously, don't tell
Stephen Minney that.

700
00:35:29.240 --> 00:35:30.759
Because grown-ups
don't get as excited

701
00:35:30.760 --> 00:35:35.959
as children when random
people name dogs after them.

702
00:35:35.960 --> 00:35:37.999
I was buzzing all week.

703
00:35:38.000 --> 00:35:40.879
I couldn't wait to see Stephen
Minney on Tuesday night.

704
00:35:40.880 --> 00:35:42.719
I'm rubbing it in my
brother and sister's faces.

705
00:35:42.720 --> 00:35:44.359
Yeah, he goes by
Shere Khan these days.

706
00:35:44.360 --> 00:35:45.720
I know him pretty well.

707
00:35:49.800 --> 00:35:51.159
Tuesday night rolls around.

708
00:35:51.160 --> 00:35:52.839
I'm straight in that
scout hut, ignoring

709
00:35:52.840 --> 00:35:55.439
all my other mates saying hello
to me, straight up to him.

710
00:35:55.440 --> 00:35:57.679
Your name is Stephen Minney.

711
00:35:57.680 --> 00:36:00.239
M-I-N-N-E-Y.

712
00:36:00.240 --> 00:36:02.279
We named our
sausage dog after you,

713
00:36:02.280 --> 00:36:03.679
Stephen Minney.

714
00:36:03.680 --> 00:36:05.200
She's a little runt.

715
00:36:11.440 --> 00:36:13.000
My father has never
forgotten you.

716
00:36:16.240 --> 00:36:20.319
No, when we wanted a dog, he
said, under one condition only.

717
00:36:20.320 --> 00:36:22.199
You must name it after
Stephen Minney, the boy

718
00:36:22.200 --> 00:36:23.599
that I taught 10 years ago.

719
00:36:23.600 --> 00:36:24.640
M-I-N-N-E-Y.

720
00:36:33.920 --> 00:36:35.400
I think about you every day.

721
00:36:40.520 --> 00:36:41.839
My sister likes
to think you found

722
00:36:41.840 --> 00:36:45.160
love in the arms of another.

723
00:36:46.200 --> 00:36:48.440
Sat in the grass and
watching the dog show.

724
00:36:54.360 --> 00:36:58.719
And Stephen Minney, the sausage
dog, is right here next to me.

725
00:36:58.720 --> 00:37:02.759
I say to my parents, Mum, Dad,
can I enter Stephen Minney

726
00:37:02.760 --> 00:37:04.039
into the dog show, please?

727
00:37:04.040 --> 00:37:05.999
I'd like to.

728
00:37:06.000 --> 00:37:09.519
And they said yes, because
it was free to enter,

729
00:37:09.520 --> 00:37:10.840
and they did not care.

730
00:37:14.800 --> 00:37:17.599
I remember going up to the
sign-up sheet on this desk,

731
00:37:17.600 --> 00:37:20.159
and most of the categories
were based on appearance.

732
00:37:20.160 --> 00:37:23.199
Now, this dog is
beautiful to us,

733
00:37:23.200 --> 00:37:26.719
but I knew these industry
heads weren't going to get it.

734
00:37:26.720 --> 00:37:28.759
So I found a more
whimsical category,

735
00:37:28.760 --> 00:37:31.439
Dog with the Waggiest Tail.

736
00:37:31.440 --> 00:37:33.479
Stephen Minney's always
wagging her tail at home.

737
00:37:33.480 --> 00:37:36.319
10 to the dozen, we've
definitely got this in the bag.

738
00:37:36.320 --> 00:37:38.479
This is another one of those
stories, let's face it,

739
00:37:38.480 --> 00:37:39.559
I don't have to end this story.

740
00:37:39.560 --> 00:37:41.039
You know how this story ends.

741
00:37:41.040 --> 00:37:43.119
You know that it doesn't
end with the phrase,

742
00:37:43.120 --> 00:37:44.360
and then we won the dog show.

743
00:37:46.000 --> 00:37:47.439
You know what happens next.

744
00:37:47.440 --> 00:37:48.759
There's four adults onstage
with their dogs

745
00:37:48.760 --> 00:37:50.559
going absolutely haywire.

746
00:37:50.560 --> 00:37:55.159
Then I'm stood there with what
may as well be a taxidermy dog,

747
00:37:55.160 --> 00:37:58.159
giving me precious little,
while grown-ups on picnic

748
00:37:58.160 --> 00:38:01.679
blankets point me out to their
mates and laugh with abandon,

749
00:38:01.680 --> 00:38:03.599
just properly going for it.

750
00:38:03.600 --> 00:38:05.559
Then did what by
now was my calling

751
00:38:05.560 --> 00:38:07.919
card--burst into tears.

752
00:38:07.920 --> 00:38:09.599
It's what I was known for.

753
00:38:09.600 --> 00:38:11.039
You've got to give the
people what they want.

754
00:38:11.040 --> 00:38:12.839
You think McCartney
doesn't do "Blackbird?"

755
00:38:12.840 --> 00:38:15.279
Come on.

756
00:38:15.280 --> 00:38:18.159
I was always bursting
into tears, man.

757
00:38:18.160 --> 00:38:19.599
I burst into tears at
the spinning wheel.

758
00:38:19.600 --> 00:38:22.039
I burst into tears
at the dog show.

759
00:38:22.040 --> 00:38:25.840
I burst into tears when I
found out Jesus were dead.

760
00:38:27.720 --> 00:38:29.800
The big three, as it's
known in my house.

761
00:38:35.840 --> 00:38:37.839
Finding out Jesus were
dead still to this day

762
00:38:37.840 --> 00:38:40.359
is the most I've ever cried.

763
00:38:40.360 --> 00:38:41.559
It was--it was--

764
00:38:41.560 --> 00:38:43.519
it was ugly, man.

765
00:38:43.520 --> 00:38:45.079
I found out when I was four.

766
00:38:45.080 --> 00:38:46.759
I'd been raised
Christian since day one,

767
00:38:46.760 --> 00:38:50.479
but no one had told
me the twist yet.

768
00:38:50.480 --> 00:38:51.719
All I knew was
that I had a best

769
00:38:51.720 --> 00:38:53.159
friend who loved me very much.

770
00:38:53.160 --> 00:38:55.000
Life was pretty sweet
for James Acaster.

771
00:38:57.920 --> 00:39:03.279
Four years old, I rock up
to church on Easter Sunday.

772
00:39:03.280 --> 00:39:04.599
I'm excited, man.

773
00:39:04.600 --> 00:39:05.759
This is where I do
all my socializing.

774
00:39:05.760 --> 00:39:07.319
I haven't been to school yet.

775
00:39:07.320 --> 00:39:09.440
I still think it's
cool to be Christian.

776
00:39:11.560 --> 00:39:13.079
I'm turning up at
the cool church

777
00:39:13.080 --> 00:39:16.519
where all the cool
kids hang out.

778
00:39:16.520 --> 00:39:19.959
Easter Sunday, and everyone's
celebrating more than usual.

779
00:39:19.960 --> 00:39:21.319
The place is jumping.

780
00:39:21.320 --> 00:39:22.919
I'm like, praise be.

781
00:39:22.920 --> 00:39:25.759
This is why we come to church.

782
00:39:25.760 --> 00:39:27.199
What are we celebrating?

783
00:39:27.200 --> 00:39:30.119
Something awesome, by
the looks of things.

784
00:39:30.120 --> 00:39:32.479
Every song that the rock
band played--because it

785
00:39:32.480 --> 00:39:34.159
was that sort of church--

786
00:39:34.160 --> 00:39:36.359
every song this rock
band played went--

787
00:39:36.360 --> 00:39:39.240
went like, something along
the lines of, he's dead.

788
00:39:41.360 --> 00:39:43.240
He died.

789
00:39:48.800 --> 00:39:51.639
I'm sat there, four
years old, just

790
00:39:51.640 --> 00:39:56.119
like, they better not
be talking about who

791
00:39:56.120 --> 00:39:58.879
I think they're talking about.

792
00:39:58.880 --> 00:40:03.559
In my memory, my tears
came out horizontally.

793
00:40:03.560 --> 00:40:06.239
Like, propelled me backwards
out of the congregation,

794
00:40:06.240 --> 00:40:08.679
like "Everything
Everywhere All at Once."

795
00:40:08.680 --> 00:40:11.359
Oh, that was--that was dicey.

796
00:40:11.360 --> 00:40:14.399
I've never done that move
with a mic lead before.

797
00:40:14.400 --> 00:40:15.639
I felt it.

798
00:40:15.640 --> 00:40:17.399
I was like, oh,
Jesus, save me now.

799
00:40:17.400 --> 00:40:19.359
Suddenly I'm back on side.

800
00:40:19.360 --> 00:40:20.959
I'm back on side.

801
00:40:20.960 --> 00:40:23.039
If you're there, I'm sorry
I did this routine all tour.

802
00:40:23.040 --> 00:40:25.439
Please save me.

803
00:40:25.440 --> 00:40:28.119
I remember hitting the back
wall and dropping to my knees,

804
00:40:28.120 --> 00:40:32.639
just crying, just convulsing on
the floor, just crying so hard.

805
00:40:32.640 --> 00:40:35.919
And then some fucking
old man walked past me.

806
00:40:35.920 --> 00:40:37.559
He's like, oh,
James, are you OK?

807
00:40:37.560 --> 00:40:39.759
Why are you crying, mate?

808
00:40:39.760 --> 00:40:42.400
Jesus is dead!

809
00:40:46.280 --> 00:40:47.719
- Oh, Jesus--
- Spoilers!

810
00:40:47.720 --> 00:40:48.759
Jesus died.
Huh?

811
00:40:48.760 --> 00:40:50.000
Spoilers?

812
00:40:52.080 --> 00:40:54.760
Well, you won't believe what
happens next in the story.

813
00:41:00.840 --> 00:41:02.319
Don't want to spoil
anything for you,

814
00:41:02.320 --> 00:41:04.040
but I think it's based
on the "Matrix" trilogy.

815
00:41:05.880 --> 00:41:08.480
I mean, they got the idea
from the "Matrix" trilogy.

816
00:41:11.640 --> 00:41:13.719
Spoilers.

817
00:41:13.720 --> 00:41:15.839
I wish he had said spoilers.

818
00:41:15.840 --> 00:41:17.319
He didn't.

819
00:41:17.320 --> 00:41:22.440
Instead, he said, oh, don't
worry, he died for you.

820
00:41:30.560 --> 00:41:32.319
Sorry, uh, how am
I involved in this?

821
00:41:32.320 --> 00:41:34.879
What are you talking about?

822
00:41:34.880 --> 00:41:35.839
Why did he die for me?

823
00:41:35.840 --> 00:41:37.599
Why did Jesus die?

824
00:41:37.600 --> 00:41:40.039
Oh, just because of all the
bad things you've ever thought,

825
00:41:40.040 --> 00:41:41.759
said, and done.

826
00:41:41.760 --> 00:41:46.119
Yep, that's why they
publicly executed him.

827
00:41:46.120 --> 00:41:47.479
Do you know what
the crucifixion is?

828
00:41:47.480 --> 00:41:48.839
I'll explain it to you, James.

829
00:41:48.840 --> 00:41:53.839
You're four years
old, and not my child.

830
00:41:53.840 --> 00:41:57.719
I'll explain to you, in
Mel Gibson-level detail,

831
00:41:57.720 --> 00:42:00.799
what being crucified is like.

832
00:42:00.800 --> 00:42:02.040
Happy Easter.

833
00:42:04.640 --> 00:42:06.639
So, look, if you're
watching this show,

834
00:42:06.640 --> 00:42:08.879
and you're thinking a lot
of these stories seem very

835
00:42:08.880 --> 00:42:12.799
low-stakes, I don't get why
this grown man has attached

836
00:42:12.800 --> 00:42:14.759
so much guilt and
shame onto a bunch

837
00:42:14.760 --> 00:42:16.279
of essentially trivial tales--

838
00:42:16.280 --> 00:42:18.399
please bear in mind
that when I was four,

839
00:42:18.400 --> 00:42:20.800
I got my best friend
killed by the Romans.

840
00:42:29.520 --> 00:42:31.719
I'll tell a quick positive
story about that church

841
00:42:31.720 --> 00:42:33.679
for any Chrizzos that are in.

842
00:42:33.680 --> 00:42:36.439
In that church, when
I was seven years old,

843
00:42:36.440 --> 00:42:39.879
that church is where I did
my actual first-ever gig,

844
00:42:39.880 --> 00:42:42.239
my first-ever performance in
front of an audience proper.

845
00:42:42.240 --> 00:42:44.159
It was a comedy
sketch, surprise,

846
00:42:44.160 --> 00:42:47.199
surprise, me and my dad.

847
00:42:47.200 --> 00:42:49.479
My dad wrote it, and
no way around this,

848
00:42:49.480 --> 00:42:51.240
cast himself in
the role of God.

849
00:42:53.600 --> 00:42:55.879
Fun fact, that's the only thing
I've ever told my therapist

850
00:42:55.880 --> 00:42:57.600
that made him laugh out loud.

851
00:43:02.680 --> 00:43:05.999
When I told my therapist about
that dog show, he did not say--

852
00:43:06.000 --> 00:43:07.399
and I want to make
this clear, that he's

853
00:43:07.400 --> 00:43:09.999
a very good therapist--
he did not say,

854
00:43:10.000 --> 00:43:11.679
well, James, what you
got to bear in mind

855
00:43:11.680 --> 00:43:14.319
is, every time you're onstage
in front of an audience,

856
00:43:14.320 --> 00:43:16.999
it's not just you up there.

857
00:43:17.000 --> 00:43:20.559
You've got a little sausage
dog up there as well.

858
00:43:20.560 --> 00:43:22.279
He didn't say that,
but I'm pretty

859
00:43:22.280 --> 00:43:24.759
sure that is how I feel every
single night, regardless.

860
00:43:24.760 --> 00:43:26.559
I think every time I'm
up here, I'm protecting

861
00:43:26.560 --> 00:43:28.199
a boy the whole time.

862
00:43:28.200 --> 00:43:30.239
And then right here, there's
a little sausage dog just

863
00:43:30.240 --> 00:43:33.079
giving me absolutely nothing.

864
00:43:33.080 --> 00:43:35.199
And when I have a go at
you lot for not laughing,

865
00:43:35.200 --> 00:43:37.759
really what I'm saying is,
wag your tail, Stephen

866
00:43:37.760 --> 00:43:39.759
Minney, please!

867
00:43:39.760 --> 00:43:41.479
Please wag your
tail, Stephen Minney!

868
00:43:41.480 --> 00:43:43.039
We look silly.

869
00:43:43.040 --> 00:43:46.679
We look silly, Stephen Minney.

870
00:43:46.680 --> 00:43:48.760
Stephen Minney,
we look so silly.

871
00:43:50.800 --> 00:43:56.239
That's when I'm most ashamed
after gigs, over the years,

872
00:43:56.240 --> 00:43:59.679
whenever I've had
a go at an audience

873
00:43:59.680 --> 00:44:01.599
for not laughing at me enough.

874
00:44:01.600 --> 00:44:04.919
It's cringe, the amount
of times I've done it.

875
00:44:04.920 --> 00:44:06.560
It's--it's embarrassing, man.

876
00:44:08.800 --> 00:44:12.839
Worst time I've ever bollocked
an audience for being too quiet

877
00:44:12.840 --> 00:44:16.519
was when I was booked to
read a Roald Dahl story

878
00:44:16.520 --> 00:44:18.000
to some preschool children.

879
00:44:23.920 --> 00:44:28.399
And there's a number of reasons
for why what happened happened.

880
00:44:28.400 --> 00:44:29.599
It's 2018.

881
00:44:29.600 --> 00:44:30.959
I've been booked to read
"George's Marvelous Medicine"

882
00:44:30.960 --> 00:44:33.759
to these kids,
and that book changed my life.

883
00:44:33.760 --> 00:44:35.879
When I was a little kid,
my mum read me

884
00:44:35.880 --> 00:44:37.119
"George's Marvelous Medicine"
for the first time.

885
00:44:37.120 --> 00:44:38.719
It was my introduction
to comedy.

886
00:44:38.720 --> 00:44:40.199
I didn't know the world
could be funny before that.

887
00:44:40.200 --> 00:44:41.439
You'll remember
whatever your thing

888
00:44:41.440 --> 00:44:44.039
was that made you love comedy.

889
00:44:44.040 --> 00:44:46.279
It was that book.
I was laughing so hard.

890
00:44:46.280 --> 00:44:48.559
I didn't know this
feeling existed.

891
00:44:48.560 --> 00:44:52.119
So in 2018, when I'm on
my way to Roald Dahl Day,

892
00:44:52.120 --> 00:44:54.359
I do have the rather
unrealistic expectations

893
00:44:54.360 --> 00:44:57.479
in my head of, well, I presume
I'm going to change these kids'

894
00:44:57.480 --> 00:45:00.239
lives today, which
looking back is

895
00:45:00.240 --> 00:45:04.359
100% how that yoga instructor
felt on his way to my school.

896
00:45:04.360 --> 00:45:08.239
So I deserve everything
that I get in this story.

897
00:45:08.240 --> 00:45:12.479
Secondly, it was a very special
day, September the 18th,

898
00:45:12.480 --> 00:45:15.119
which is the official Roald
Dahl Day, if you're wondering.

899
00:45:15.120 --> 00:45:17.999
I know most of you know that.

900
00:45:18.000 --> 00:45:20.879
And they had booked out
Cardiff Castle for the day.

901
00:45:20.880 --> 00:45:22.319
Every single room
of the castle,

902
00:45:22.320 --> 00:45:23.919
there was going to
be a different person

903
00:45:23.920 --> 00:45:26.479
reading a different Roald
Dahl book to the kids.

904
00:45:26.480 --> 00:45:27.679
Sounds nice.

905
00:45:27.680 --> 00:45:29.519
But in practice
what it meant was

906
00:45:29.520 --> 00:45:32.439
I'm stood there in a turret,
reading

907
00:45:32.440 --> 00:45:35.279
"George's Marvelous Medicine"
to abject silence.

908
00:45:35.280 --> 00:45:36.799
And all I can hear
the whole time

909
00:45:36.800 --> 00:45:39.079
is Floella Benjamin
having a much better gig

910
00:45:39.080 --> 00:45:41.839
in the banquet hall beneath
me, just knocking out

911
00:45:41.840 --> 00:45:43.239
"Charlie and the
Chocolate Factory"

912
00:45:43.240 --> 00:45:45.399
to rolling laughter
and applause.

913
00:45:45.400 --> 00:45:46.999
I'm on a stool.

914
00:45:47.000 --> 00:45:48.599
There's, like, 35 kids sat
on the floor in front of me.

915
00:45:48.600 --> 00:45:50.359
If you've been paying
attention to the show,

916
00:45:50.360 --> 00:45:52.440
I shouldn't have to tell you
why that's triggering for me.

917
00:45:55.560 --> 00:45:58.319
I'm selling the heck
out of this book.

918
00:45:58.320 --> 00:46:00.359
And then George fed his
grandmother the medicine,

919
00:46:00.360 --> 00:46:05.359
and she grew so tall she
smashed through the ceiling!

920
00:46:05.360 --> 00:46:07.519
All of them just--

921
00:46:07.520 --> 00:46:11.159
just sausage-dogging
it the whole time.

922
00:46:11.160 --> 00:46:12.719
All I can hear is--

923
00:46:12.720 --> 00:46:15.079
What do you get when
you guzzle down sweets?

924
00:46:15.080 --> 00:46:16.560
From down there.

925
00:46:23.680 --> 00:46:26.000
But the moment
when I snapped--

926
00:46:30.080 --> 00:46:31.519
When I had to do
an impression--

927
00:46:31.520 --> 00:46:33.480
and I don't know if that's got
anything to do with it--

928
00:46:36.200 --> 00:46:37.599
Of the grandmother.

929
00:46:37.600 --> 00:46:39.719
Now, if you need a refresher on
"George's Marvelous Medicine,"

930
00:46:39.720 --> 00:46:41.199
she's had the medicine.

931
00:46:41.200 --> 00:46:42.999
She grew so tall, she
smashed through the ceiling.

932
00:46:43.000 --> 00:46:44.559
Now she's carried on going, and
she smashed through the roof,

933
00:46:44.560 --> 00:46:46.199
and now she's, like,
stuck in the roof,

934
00:46:46.200 --> 00:46:49.559
which, I don't want to be
a dick, but that's funny.

935
00:46:49.560 --> 00:46:51.959
I know not everyone's been
merked by their grandmother

936
00:46:51.960 --> 00:46:53.679
like I have, but
that is funny when

937
00:46:53.680 --> 00:46:54.919
that happens to an old person.

938
00:46:54.920 --> 00:46:57.999
That is funny,
stuck in the roof.

939
00:46:58.000 --> 00:47:00.079
Would you like a
heckle from up here?

940
00:47:00.080 --> 00:47:01.599
Would I like
one from up there?

941
00:47:01.600 --> 00:47:03.199
I tell you what, I
would like the most

942
00:47:03.200 --> 00:47:05.560
polite person in the world
to do it, absolutely.

943
00:47:13.000 --> 00:47:14.959
I would love a
heckle from up there.

944
00:47:14.960 --> 00:47:16.199
What's your name?

945
00:47:16.200 --> 00:47:17.799
- Uh, Stuart.
- Stuart.

946
00:47:17.800 --> 00:47:19.199
Hello, Stuart.

947
00:47:19.200 --> 00:47:21.679
That's a lovely--very
nice formal introduction

948
00:47:21.680 --> 00:47:24.119
to the heckle.

949
00:47:24.120 --> 00:47:25.439
I love it so much.

950
00:47:25.440 --> 00:47:27.479
Go for it, Stuart.
Do your heckle.

951
00:47:27.480 --> 00:47:28.999
I need a bit
of time to think.

952
00:47:29.000 --> 00:47:30.760
Oh, absolutely, yes.

953
00:47:32.640 --> 00:47:33.839
I appreciate that, yes.

954
00:47:33.840 --> 00:47:36.399
You should think
about it for a bit.

955
00:47:36.400 --> 00:47:40.959
Um--

956
00:47:40.960 --> 00:47:44.639
that

957
00:47:44.640 --> 00:47:48.559
is a fully rounded persona.

958
00:47:48.560 --> 00:47:50.960
We can't all see him, but we
all know what he looks like.

959
00:47:55.480 --> 00:47:57.319
James, would you like
a heckle from up here?

960
00:47:57.320 --> 00:47:58.839
Instantly funny.

961
00:47:58.840 --> 00:48:00.719
And it's very hard, just
so you know, to come

962
00:48:00.720 --> 00:48:03.119
up with a funny opening line.

963
00:48:03.120 --> 00:48:06.239
That is very difficult.
It was funny.

964
00:48:06.240 --> 00:48:07.399
It was original.

965
00:48:07.400 --> 00:48:08.879
It established who he is.

966
00:48:08.880 --> 00:48:10.479
And then when I
said his name, he

967
00:48:10.480 --> 00:48:11.919
was like, I'll just go with--
I'm just going to--

968
00:48:11.920 --> 00:48:13.439
I'm not going to
try and milk it.

969
00:48:13.440 --> 00:48:14.599
Stuart.

970
00:48:14.600 --> 00:48:15.679
I know what I've
got up my sleeve.

971
00:48:15.680 --> 00:48:16.919
What's your heckle?

972
00:48:16.920 --> 00:48:18.320
Can I have a few minutes
to think about it?

973
00:48:22.920 --> 00:48:26.399
That is objectively funny.

974
00:48:26.400 --> 00:48:28.039
Would you like a
heckle from down here?

975
00:48:28.040 --> 00:48:29.559
Would I like a
heckle from down here?

976
00:48:29.560 --> 00:48:32.319
You've already got imitators.

977
00:48:32.320 --> 00:48:34.160
This is how good you are.

978
00:48:35.520 --> 00:48:39.000
Do you have any idea
how long it takes?

979
00:48:41.280 --> 00:48:44.639
Most comedians, it
takes us over a decade

980
00:48:44.640 --> 00:48:46.639
before we start to see
the imitators come out

981
00:48:46.640 --> 00:48:50.079
of the woodwork, and we
start to see our influence

982
00:48:50.080 --> 00:48:51.519
on the world of comedy.

983
00:48:51.520 --> 00:48:57.880
Your first joke ever, and you
got a copycat on the front row.

984
00:49:00.000 --> 00:49:01.599
George--and
this is the grandmother.

985
00:49:01.600 --> 00:49:02.720
Here we go.

986
00:49:08.680 --> 00:49:09.880
This is the grandmother.

987
00:49:12.880 --> 00:49:15.759
I'm reading to the kids.

988
00:49:15.760 --> 00:49:17.840
And this is the
moment that I snapped.

989
00:49:20.400 --> 00:49:26.199
George,
you putrid little worm!

990
00:49:26.200 --> 00:49:29.119
You revolting little boy!

991
00:49:29.120 --> 00:49:32.279
Get me out of
here this instant!

992
00:49:32.280 --> 00:49:34.199
And then the next words
out my mouth were,

993
00:49:34.200 --> 00:49:37.599
are you enjoying this or what?

994
00:49:37.600 --> 00:49:39.239
To preschool children.

995
00:49:39.240 --> 00:49:41.359
That's how insecure I am.

996
00:49:41.360 --> 00:49:43.599
What, I thought they were going
to rock up to preschool

997
00:49:43.600 --> 00:49:44.919
Monday morning--

998
00:49:44.920 --> 00:49:46.279
hey, what did you do
for Roald Dahl Day?

999
00:49:46.280 --> 00:49:49.999
Oh, I--I saw that
James Acaster.

1000
00:49:50.000 --> 00:49:51.560
Don't bother.

1001
00:49:55.960 --> 00:49:57.639
Here's the worst part--

1002
00:49:57.640 --> 00:50:00.479
that was the first of
six groups of children

1003
00:50:00.480 --> 00:50:02.239
I had to read to that day.

1004
00:50:02.240 --> 00:50:06.479
Spoiler alert--had
a go at all of them.

1005
00:50:06.480 --> 00:50:08.999
Final group, I got right
to the end of the chapter

1006
00:50:09.000 --> 00:50:10.639
without making any comments.

1007
00:50:10.640 --> 00:50:12.959
As I'm closing the book, this
far from being home free,

1008
00:50:12.960 --> 00:50:15.399
I looked at one kid on
his own on the front row

1009
00:50:15.400 --> 00:50:18.599
and said, at a talking
volume, silence again.

1010
00:50:18.600 --> 00:50:20.719
Brilliant.

1011
00:50:20.720 --> 00:50:23.079
But that's him for
the rest of his life.

1012
00:50:23.080 --> 00:50:24.599
That's that kid forever.

1013
00:50:24.600 --> 00:50:26.079
He's going to grow
up, become an adult,

1014
00:50:26.080 --> 00:50:27.639
sit down in a comedy show.

1015
00:50:27.640 --> 00:50:29.319
The comedian will tell a joke.

1016
00:50:29.320 --> 00:50:30.639
It won't get very much.

1017
00:50:30.640 --> 00:50:32.159
Oh, no, silence is bad.

1018
00:50:32.160 --> 00:50:34.279
Uh, Kermit!

1019
00:50:34.280 --> 00:50:36.199
Round and round we all go.

1020
00:50:36.200 --> 00:50:37.599
No one ever gets any better.

1021
00:50:37.600 --> 00:50:39.199
No one learns.

1022
00:50:39.200 --> 00:50:42.519
Just passing the
pain around, man.

1023
00:50:42.520 --> 00:50:44.559
Because look, that's
what I've got to remember

1024
00:50:44.560 --> 00:50:46.639
as well, when I'm up here.

1025
00:50:46.640 --> 00:50:50.599
Look, priority number one, I've
got to protect the boy, sure.

1026
00:50:50.600 --> 00:50:52.999
But it would be ignorant of
me if I didn't acknowledge

1027
00:50:53.000 --> 00:50:55.559
the fact that you've
all got your younger

1028
00:50:55.560 --> 00:50:56.759
selves with you as well.

1029
00:50:56.760 --> 00:50:57.879
They're all here.

1030
00:50:57.880 --> 00:50:58.999
They're all sat in your laps.

1031
00:50:59.000 --> 00:50:59.999
Some of you are
protecting them.

1032
00:51:00.000 --> 00:51:01.599
Some of you are not
protecting them.

1033
00:51:01.600 --> 00:51:03.239
That's why every
comedy show you've

1034
00:51:03.240 --> 00:51:05.319
ever been to, emotionally
speaking, is a fucking mess.

1035
00:51:05.320 --> 00:51:08.359
Every gig, I'm a baby
in charge of a creche.

1036
00:51:08.360 --> 00:51:09.359
I'm Tommy Pickles.

1037
00:51:09.360 --> 00:51:11.479
That's all this is.

1038
00:51:11.480 --> 00:51:13.999
I'm Tommy Pickles trying
not to be Angelica,

1039
00:51:14.000 --> 00:51:15.839
every gig I've ever done.

1040
00:51:15.840 --> 00:51:18.559
Because for every kid who
cried at a spinning wheel,

1041
00:51:18.560 --> 00:51:21.439
there are 35 kids who had
to sit there and watch

1042
00:51:21.440 --> 00:51:23.679
a kid cry at a spinning wheel.

1043
00:51:23.680 --> 00:51:26.039
You think that didn't
affect them in some way?

1044
00:51:26.040 --> 00:51:28.039
They're going to grow up,
sit down in an audience,

1045
00:51:28.040 --> 00:51:30.759
and go, why do I immediately
feel nervous for the performer?

1046
00:51:30.760 --> 00:51:32.039
Why is that?

1047
00:51:32.040 --> 00:51:33.159
Oh, I hope he spins good wool--

1048
00:51:33.160 --> 00:51:34.519
I mean, tells good jokes.

1049
00:51:34.520 --> 00:51:36.079
What the hell?

1050
00:51:36.080 --> 00:51:39.120
Did that just come
out of my mouth?

1051
00:51:42.800 --> 00:51:45.559
And look, all the stories
I've told you tonight

1052
00:51:45.560 --> 00:51:47.119
I've thought about over
and over in my head,

1053
00:51:47.120 --> 00:51:48.599
especially during
the lockdowns.

1054
00:51:48.600 --> 00:51:50.319
I think all of us,
in the lockdowns,

1055
00:51:50.320 --> 00:51:52.959
reflected a lot on our jobs and
our relationship with our work.

1056
00:51:52.960 --> 00:51:54.439
I'm not going to
make out we had

1057
00:51:54.440 --> 00:51:55.519
exactly the same experience.

1058
00:51:55.520 --> 00:51:57.000
I'm loaded to fuck.

1059
00:52:02.280 --> 00:52:04.680
I think it's important
to acknowledge that.

1060
00:52:08.120 --> 00:52:11.519
No, because listen, I'm sick
and tired of celebrities--

1061
00:52:11.520 --> 00:52:15.359
which I am, and will
be till the day I die--

1062
00:52:15.360 --> 00:52:17.679
being the authority
on lockdowns.

1063
00:52:17.680 --> 00:52:19.399
They're the main
people we've heard

1064
00:52:19.400 --> 00:52:22.279
from about what the lockdowns
were like, is celebrities.

1065
00:52:22.280 --> 00:52:24.279
And sometimes the
worst is when they make

1066
00:52:24.280 --> 00:52:26.319
out they learnt a
profound lesson that

1067
00:52:26.320 --> 00:52:28.759
we could all benefit from.

1068
00:52:28.760 --> 00:52:31.239
Like, oh, yeah, not a
lot of people say this,

1069
00:52:31.240 --> 00:52:34.079
but the lockdowns were
really good for me.

1070
00:52:34.080 --> 00:52:35.639
Before lockdowns,
I was a workaholic.

1071
00:52:35.640 --> 00:52:38.199
I was burning the candle
at both ends, no mistake.

1072
00:52:38.200 --> 00:52:39.719
Then lockdown
came along, and it

1073
00:52:39.720 --> 00:52:43.799
forced me to pump the brakes.

1074
00:52:43.800 --> 00:52:46.519
For the first time in my
life, I'm taking a step back.

1075
00:52:46.520 --> 00:52:47.519
I'm surveying the scene.

1076
00:52:47.520 --> 00:52:51.079
I'm like, come, come, now.

1077
00:52:51.080 --> 00:52:52.799
Is this how I want
to conduct myself?

1078
00:52:52.800 --> 00:52:54.799
Do I want to keep doing this
job, working with these people?

1079
00:52:54.800 --> 00:52:59.079
Is this what I
want for my career?

1080
00:52:59.080 --> 00:53:01.559
So what I'd say to anyone
listening to this is,

1081
00:53:01.560 --> 00:53:06.000
hey, you don't have
to work all the time.

1082
00:53:08.400 --> 00:53:10.280
Stop filling in your
diaries with work.

1083
00:53:12.680 --> 00:53:16.519
Just pump the brakes,
take a step back.

1084
00:53:16.520 --> 00:53:20.159
And you, too, will realize
you already make enough money

1085
00:53:20.160 --> 00:53:21.400
from your food podcast.

1086
00:53:34.200 --> 00:53:36.319
Lockdowns one, two, and three
were the best days of my life.

1087
00:53:36.320 --> 00:53:37.479
I hope we have
another lockdown,

1088
00:53:37.480 --> 00:53:40.399
and I hope it lasts forever.

1089
00:53:40.400 --> 00:53:42.239
Every evening, I was
relaxed for the first time

1090
00:53:42.240 --> 00:53:43.719
in over a decade,
because I wasn't putting

1091
00:53:43.720 --> 00:53:45.639
my body through this madness.

1092
00:53:45.640 --> 00:53:46.919
I was doing better
in the daytimes

1093
00:53:46.920 --> 00:53:48.119
as well, looking after myself.

1094
00:53:48.120 --> 00:53:49.319
Started doing yoga.

1095
00:53:49.320 --> 00:53:51.719
Where has that
been all my life?

1096
00:53:51.720 --> 00:53:55.639
They keep those things a
secret from you in school.

1097
00:53:55.640 --> 00:53:58.640
Pop that on the curriculum,
please, Blunkett.

1098
00:54:03.840 --> 00:54:05.599
I was locked down with my
girlfriend as well, a.k.a.

1099
00:54:05.600 --> 00:54:08.719
my favorite person, so
that was a piece of piss.

1100
00:54:08.720 --> 00:54:10.319
Very well-suited to each other.

1101
00:54:10.320 --> 00:54:12.399
I know that when you say you're
well-suited to your partner,

1102
00:54:12.400 --> 00:54:14.279
there's going to be some
skeptics in the room.

1103
00:54:14.280 --> 00:54:15.719
Fair enough.

1104
00:54:15.720 --> 00:54:17.399
Quick story to illustrate
how well-suited we are.

1105
00:54:17.400 --> 00:54:18.839
You know me.

1106
00:54:18.840 --> 00:54:20.159
You know this half of
the equation already.

1107
00:54:20.160 --> 00:54:21.679
All you need to
know about her is

1108
00:54:21.680 --> 00:54:23.239
that once she went
to get her hair

1109
00:54:23.240 --> 00:54:24.479
colored at the hairdressers.

1110
00:54:24.480 --> 00:54:25.719
And for reference
so that she got

1111
00:54:25.720 --> 00:54:27.119
the right color
that she wanted,

1112
00:54:27.120 --> 00:54:29.800
she brought along
a photo of a horse.

1113
00:54:35.120 --> 00:54:36.359
So that's who
we're dealing with.

1114
00:54:36.360 --> 00:54:38.839
I'm head over heels.

1115
00:54:38.840 --> 00:54:40.479
It wasn't just a photo
of a horse, either.

1116
00:54:40.480 --> 00:54:41.999
I asked to see it
because I wanted to see

1117
00:54:42.000 --> 00:54:43.159
if they got the color right.

1118
00:54:43.160 --> 00:54:47.199
She showed it to me.
It was a meme of a horse.

1119
00:54:47.200 --> 00:54:48.399
A horse meme.

1120
00:54:48.400 --> 00:54:50.199
You know, a horse meme.

1121
00:54:50.200 --> 00:54:53.239
It was a picture of a horse
with a long, luxurious mane.

1122
00:54:53.240 --> 00:54:58.519
And then the meme said,
maybe she's barn with it,

1123
00:54:58.520 --> 00:55:00.559
maybe it's neigh-belline.

1124
00:55:00.560 --> 00:55:03.279
You know, neigh, like
when a horse talks.

1125
00:55:03.280 --> 00:55:05.320
She showed that
to a professional.

1126
00:55:10.200 --> 00:55:11.959
Yes, I'd like to look
like I'm barn with it,

1127
00:55:11.960 --> 00:55:14.199
if that's possible.

1128
00:55:14.200 --> 00:55:15.279
Much obliged.

1129
00:55:15.280 --> 00:55:17.679
Ladies!

1130
00:55:17.680 --> 00:55:19.359
I wasn't there
when it happened,

1131
00:55:19.360 --> 00:55:21.279
but I'm pretty sure everyone
who saw that went, bet she

1132
00:55:21.280 --> 00:55:24.080
goes out with James Acaster.

1133
00:55:28.520 --> 00:55:31.039
It was when the
lockdowns opened up again

1134
00:55:31.040 --> 00:55:33.959
that I noticed all
my anxiety and stress

1135
00:55:33.960 --> 00:55:36.959
coming back in full force.

1136
00:55:36.960 --> 00:55:40.159
I was on the train from
London to Kettering,

1137
00:55:40.160 --> 00:55:44.799
and my carriage got taken
over by a small gang

1138
00:55:44.800 --> 00:55:47.719
of teenage boys.

1139
00:55:47.720 --> 00:55:49.239
And if we could
all just be adults

1140
00:55:49.240 --> 00:55:54.319
and not pretend that that's not
terrifying, that'd be great.

1141
00:55:54.320 --> 00:55:55.599
Do you know what I mean?

1142
00:55:55.600 --> 00:55:57.159
They kicked off immediately.

1143
00:55:57.160 --> 00:55:58.919
They're gunning up
and down the carriage,

1144
00:55:58.920 --> 00:56:01.559
up and down the aisle, pushing
each other into the rest of us.

1145
00:56:01.560 --> 00:56:03.319
They're throwing stuff.

1146
00:56:03.320 --> 00:56:05.119
They're shouting and swearing
at the top of their voice.

1147
00:56:05.120 --> 00:56:08.039
At one point, the leader jumped
to the head of the carriage,

1148
00:56:08.040 --> 00:56:10.039
pulled a full bottle of
Coke out of his pocket,

1149
00:56:10.040 --> 00:56:12.999
and just, head height
to the rest of us,

1150
00:56:13.000 --> 00:56:14.719
without lining it
up, just went, wham!

1151
00:56:14.720 --> 00:56:15.959
Like that.

1152
00:56:15.960 --> 00:56:17.359
Just sent it down.

1153
00:56:17.360 --> 00:56:19.559
It rebounded off of a
window--boom, boom!

1154
00:56:19.560 --> 00:56:22.239
Nearly took a grown
man's eyes out.

1155
00:56:22.240 --> 00:56:27.600
And this guy, probably about
40, responded by going--

1156
00:56:31.280 --> 00:56:33.439
Just pretended it
hadn't happened,

1157
00:56:33.440 --> 00:56:35.159
exactly how he used to
deal with the bullies

1158
00:56:35.160 --> 00:56:36.919
when he was in school.

1159
00:56:36.920 --> 00:56:38.119
That's what happened
to all of us.

1160
00:56:38.120 --> 00:56:39.439
As soon as these
kids kicked off,

1161
00:56:39.440 --> 00:56:41.479
we all transformed
into whatever age

1162
00:56:41.480 --> 00:56:44.679
we were the first time
someone picked on us.

1163
00:56:44.680 --> 00:56:47.479
There was a guy, like a
rich-looking businessman in his

1164
00:56:47.480 --> 00:56:51.999
50s, sitting further down the
carriage, everything expensive.

1165
00:56:52.000 --> 00:56:53.279
The kids surrounded him.

1166
00:56:53.280 --> 00:56:54.959
They started
calling him shitbag,

1167
00:56:54.960 --> 00:56:56.440
because he had a shit bag.

1168
00:57:01.800 --> 00:57:03.479
And this grown man,
who definitely owned

1169
00:57:03.480 --> 00:57:06.919
his own company,
responded to these kids

1170
00:57:06.920 --> 00:57:09.479
by going, yeah,
what a shit bag.

1171
00:57:09.480 --> 00:57:12.439
Am I right, fellas?

1172
00:57:12.440 --> 00:57:15.599
What kind of a loser
would own a bag this shit?

1173
00:57:15.600 --> 00:57:19.159
We were watching, like,
have some dignity, man.

1174
00:57:19.160 --> 00:57:21.679
You're bullying your
own bag with the kids.

1175
00:57:21.680 --> 00:57:23.640
You've got people
on the payroll.

1176
00:57:26.400 --> 00:57:27.959
At one point, all the
kids got their textbooks

1177
00:57:27.960 --> 00:57:31.119
out from school, and they
start ripping up the pages.

1178
00:57:31.120 --> 00:57:33.279
They're balling them up, and
then they have a full-on paper

1179
00:57:33.280 --> 00:57:35.399
snowball fight across
the whole carriage,

1180
00:57:35.400 --> 00:57:37.799
and we're all in
the crosshairs.

1181
00:57:37.800 --> 00:57:39.279
This is textbook
paper, remember.

1182
00:57:39.280 --> 00:57:41.200
It's glossy.
It's got hard edges.

1183
00:57:43.280 --> 00:57:46.359
At one point, one kid's got
a full-on paper snowball,

1184
00:57:46.360 --> 00:57:48.839
and his mate is on the
opposite end of the carriage.

1185
00:57:48.840 --> 00:57:51.199
And he throws it with
all the force of getting

1186
00:57:51.200 --> 00:57:52.599
his mate all the
way over there,

1187
00:57:52.600 --> 00:57:55.400
and he hits a woman
who's sat here.

1188
00:57:58.520 --> 00:57:59.999
Right in the face.

1189
00:58:00.000 --> 00:58:01.039
We all feel it.

1190
00:58:01.040 --> 00:58:02.839
Ugh!

1191
00:58:02.840 --> 00:58:04.479
Then another woman, who
didn't know this woman,

1192
00:58:04.480 --> 00:58:06.239
stood up and reprimanded
the entire gang.

1193
00:58:06.240 --> 00:58:08.639
So I don't know if you've
ever been on public transport

1194
00:58:08.640 --> 00:58:09.599
and a gang--

1195
00:58:09.600 --> 00:58:11.039
always men.

1196
00:58:11.040 --> 00:58:12.679
They could be 13, they
could be in their 60s,

1197
00:58:12.680 --> 00:58:14.079
but they've decided
to intimidate

1198
00:58:14.080 --> 00:58:15.239
everyone else
because they have not

1199
00:58:15.240 --> 00:58:16.759
processed their own shit yet.

1200
00:58:16.760 --> 00:58:19.439
Every time that happens,
it always gets to the point

1201
00:58:19.440 --> 00:58:22.479
where a lone woman
completely singlehandedly

1202
00:58:22.480 --> 00:58:25.039
is forced to confront
the entire gang,

1203
00:58:25.040 --> 00:58:28.600
while men like me sit there
going, please let this work.

1204
00:58:31.480 --> 00:58:35.399
I can't even look at her
because they'll hit me first.

1205
00:58:35.400 --> 00:58:36.599
Please protect this woman.

1206
00:58:36.600 --> 00:58:38.239
I'm sorry that I
got your son killed.

1207
00:58:38.240 --> 00:58:41.079
Surely that's water under
the bridge by now, big guy.

1208
00:58:41.080 --> 00:58:44.039
Come on, protect this woman.

1209
00:58:44.040 --> 00:58:46.279
She's like, you should all
be ashamed of yourselves.

1210
00:58:46.280 --> 00:58:49.119
And before she got any further,
the leader cut her down.

1211
00:58:49.120 --> 00:58:51.479
He shouted her down, said a
bunch of shit that I'm hoping,

1212
00:58:51.480 --> 00:58:54.879
because he's 13, he doesn't
understand the full weight of.

1213
00:58:54.880 --> 00:58:57.919
But it was fucked.

1214
00:58:57.920 --> 00:58:59.919
She sits down in silence.

1215
00:58:59.920 --> 00:59:03.719
Rest of the carriage is
sadder than it was before.

1216
00:59:03.720 --> 00:59:08.119
Next stop, an old man gets
up to leave the train.

1217
00:59:08.120 --> 00:59:09.679
All you need to know
about this old man

1218
00:59:09.680 --> 00:59:12.679
is that he was a--he was
bald, bald, no-hair man.

1219
00:59:12.680 --> 00:59:14.359
Had no hair on his
head, this man.

1220
00:59:14.360 --> 00:59:18.999
So they absolutely
annihilated him.

1221
00:59:19.000 --> 00:59:20.639
Whole way down
the aisle, they're

1222
00:59:20.640 --> 00:59:22.959
shouting bye-bye,
baldy, unoriginal shit

1223
00:59:22.960 --> 00:59:25.799
he's heard a million
times in his life.

1224
00:59:25.800 --> 00:59:27.479
And he stepped off
onto the platform,

1225
00:59:27.480 --> 00:59:30.279
and instead of
carrying on going,

1226
00:59:30.280 --> 00:59:32.759
he just turned
round, looked back

1227
00:59:32.760 --> 00:59:36.799
inside the carriage,
furious, eyeballs trembling,

1228
00:59:36.800 --> 00:59:38.439
just staring at these kids.

1229
00:59:38.440 --> 00:59:40.119
Then the doors
ding-ding to shut,

1230
00:59:40.120 --> 00:59:41.719
and as they're
shutting he just goes,

1231
00:59:41.720 --> 00:59:43.159
your parents do not love you!

1232
00:59:43.160 --> 00:59:44.400
And then it's shut,
and then the train--

1233
00:59:53.880 --> 01:00:00.480
Your parents do not love you.

1234
01:00:01.920 --> 01:00:04.000
Their parents are dead!

1235
01:00:10.200 --> 01:00:13.639
How the hell has no one
heckled that all tour?

1236
01:00:13.640 --> 01:00:16.039
The perfect callback.

1237
01:00:16.040 --> 01:00:21.319
Lovely to have a heckler in
who appreciates structure.

1238
01:00:21.320 --> 01:00:23.079
Also, two things--

1239
01:00:23.080 --> 01:00:27.839
I'm gutted that I myself did
not think of that callback.

1240
01:00:27.840 --> 01:00:30.239
I've done this show more
times than I care to remember,

1241
01:00:30.240 --> 01:00:33.919
and not once has that
occurred to me, even--

1242
01:00:33.920 --> 01:00:36.759
even mildly occurred to me.

1243
01:00:36.760 --> 01:00:39.399
And secondly, I'm actually
glad that I didn't think of it.

1244
01:00:39.400 --> 01:00:41.079
Because otherwise
I'd be furious

1245
01:00:41.080 --> 01:00:46.679
right now, if that was my
next line and you had said it.

1246
01:00:46.680 --> 01:00:49.639
Maybe one of them very
recently buried their mum.

1247
01:00:49.640 --> 01:00:52.599
Maybe one of--one of them
very recently buried their mum.

1248
01:00:52.600 --> 01:00:53.719
Yes, absolutely.

1249
01:00:53.720 --> 01:00:55.199
It's a brilliant
add-on to the joke.

1250
01:00:55.200 --> 01:00:56.559
Structurally, it's sound.

1251
01:00:56.560 --> 01:00:57.960
It was too dark, mate.

1252
01:01:00.080 --> 01:01:01.839
The way you said it as well.

1253
01:01:01.840 --> 01:01:04.839
The delivery of it
was very morbid.

1254
01:01:04.840 --> 01:01:10.279
Maybe one of them
very recently buried their mum.

1255
01:01:10.280 --> 01:01:12.679
Sent a chill up
everyone's spine.

1256
01:01:12.680 --> 01:01:15.119
What the fuck?

1257
01:01:15.120 --> 01:01:16.719
I know I said a similar thing.

1258
01:01:16.720 --> 01:01:18.719
That's exactly what I said
at the start of the show.

1259
01:01:18.720 --> 01:01:19.999
You remembered it verbatim.

1260
01:01:20.000 --> 01:01:21.799
It's very impressive.

1261
01:01:21.800 --> 01:01:22.920
But my God.

1262
01:01:25.920 --> 01:01:27.239
It was suicide for the kids.

1263
01:01:27.240 --> 01:01:28.799
I'll take the--
oh, hold on a second.

1264
01:01:28.800 --> 01:01:31.400
Uh, that guy has just
gone way too far.

1265
01:01:34.640 --> 01:01:36.159
So well done.

1266
01:01:36.160 --> 01:01:38.919
Everyone was thinking
that yours was a bit dark,

1267
01:01:38.920 --> 01:01:41.199
and then people heard
something that someone just

1268
01:01:41.200 --> 01:01:44.439
came up with by themselves.

1269
01:01:44.440 --> 01:01:45.919
Um, who's the
person who shouted?

1270
01:01:45.920 --> 01:01:47.039
Give me a little wave.
Hello, mate.

1271
01:01:47.040 --> 01:01:48.439
How are you.
What's your name?

1272
01:01:48.440 --> 01:01:49.679
- Richard.
- Richard.

1273
01:01:49.680 --> 01:01:50.879
Richard.

1274
01:01:50.880 --> 01:01:53.000
Um, what is wrong
with you, mate?

1275
01:01:56.240 --> 01:01:57.999
- Huh?
- How long have you got?

1276
01:01:58.000 --> 01:01:59.719
How long have I got?
Do you know what?

1277
01:01:59.720 --> 01:02:02.600
I've got as long as I like.

1278
01:02:04.440 --> 01:02:06.960
Your parents
do not love you!

1279
01:02:09.600 --> 01:02:11.039
- They're dead!
- They're dead.

1280
01:02:11.040 --> 01:02:12.159
Yeah, OK.

1281
01:02:12.160 --> 01:02:13.359
Let's do it all again.

1282
01:02:13.360 --> 01:02:15.000
Everyone remember
what they said.

1283
01:02:19.640 --> 01:02:21.439
Yeah, yeah.

1284
01:02:21.440 --> 01:02:22.879
Structurally, I
like--I love that.

1285
01:02:22.880 --> 01:02:25.559
That's a structural callback.

1286
01:02:25.560 --> 01:02:27.679
Uh, it's great to
hear it, absolutely.

1287
01:02:27.680 --> 01:02:29.159
You know, I'm annoyed
on two levels.

1288
01:02:29.160 --> 01:02:30.200
I'm annoyed that--

1289
01:02:31.640 --> 01:02:35.079
First of all, I
didn't think of that.

1290
01:02:35.080 --> 01:02:36.759
I've done this show God
knows how many times.

1291
01:02:36.760 --> 01:02:38.279
I've never thought
of that punchline.

1292
01:02:38.280 --> 01:02:41.719
And secondly, I'm glad that
I didn't do it, because--

1293
01:02:41.720 --> 01:02:43.799
because otherwise, I'd be very
annoyed that you've just got

1294
01:02:43.800 --> 01:02:45.239
to the punchline before me.

1295
01:02:45.240 --> 01:02:46.479
But that's great.

1296
01:02:46.480 --> 01:02:48.079
Your par--their
parents were dead.

1297
01:02:48.080 --> 01:02:50.200
Just were buried.

1298
01:02:52.440 --> 01:02:55.439
Oh, that's dark.

1299
01:02:55.440 --> 01:02:57.759
That is too--I mean, I
know that structurally,

1300
01:02:57.760 --> 01:02:58.759
that's sound as well.

1301
01:02:58.760 --> 01:02:59.999
I said that earlier.

1302
01:03:00.000 --> 01:03:01.639
But that was--
that was way too--

1303
01:03:01.640 --> 01:03:03.639
and you said it in a voice
that was like--

1304
01:03:03.640 --> 01:03:06.119
Maybe they finished
burying their parents recently.

1305
01:03:06.120 --> 01:03:08.519
And that was pretty--
that was pretty rough.

1306
01:03:08.520 --> 01:03:10.719
But like, you know, well
done, anyway, for trying.

1307
01:03:10.720 --> 01:03:12.239
Well done.
Well done.

1308
01:03:12.240 --> 01:03:13.320
It was suicide.

1309
01:03:14.720 --> 01:03:16.919
Whoa!

1310
01:03:16.920 --> 01:03:19.239
Whoa.

1311
01:03:19.240 --> 01:03:20.839
I don't know if some
of you heard that.

1312
01:03:20.840 --> 01:03:22.239
That was way dark.

1313
01:03:22.240 --> 01:03:23.519
You're out--you're
out of the woods now.

1314
01:03:23.520 --> 01:03:24.919
That was way darker.

1315
01:03:24.920 --> 01:03:26.519
What the hell?

1316
01:03:26.520 --> 01:03:27.479
Who said that?

1317
01:03:27.480 --> 01:03:28.439
Give me a wave.

1318
01:03:28.440 --> 01:03:29.399
Who said that?

1319
01:03:29.400 --> 01:03:30.439
What's your name?

1320
01:03:30.440 --> 01:03:33.279
- Richard.
- Richard.

1321
01:03:33.280 --> 01:03:34.760
What's wrong with you, Richard?

1322
01:03:36.920 --> 01:03:38.759
What is wrong with you, mate?

1323
01:03:38.760 --> 01:03:39.759
How long you got?

1324
01:03:39.760 --> 01:03:40.719
How long I got?

1325
01:03:40.720 --> 01:03:41.720
Quite a while.

1326
01:03:43.800 --> 01:03:45.079
Quite a while.

1327
01:03:45.080 --> 01:03:47.639
I mean, not as long as
I had the first time

1328
01:03:47.640 --> 01:03:52.320
you said that, but a
pretty long time, I guess.

1329
01:03:54.480 --> 01:03:56.719
And they just carried on
bullying everyone, these kids.

1330
01:03:56.720 --> 01:03:58.679
And now it was my turn.

1331
01:03:58.680 --> 01:04:01.039
I was sat in the
back row, praying

1332
01:04:01.040 --> 01:04:04.720
to God that these kids were
fans of "Would I Lie to You?"

1333
01:04:07.840 --> 01:04:09.719
And they surrounded me.

1334
01:04:09.720 --> 01:04:11.319
The leader sat in the
row in front of me.

1335
01:04:11.320 --> 01:04:12.319
He's got his back to me.

1336
01:04:12.320 --> 01:04:13.639
His mate sits opposite him.

1337
01:04:13.640 --> 01:04:14.599
They're dead-legging
each other.

1338
01:04:14.600 --> 01:04:16.999
They're paying me no mind.

1339
01:04:17.000 --> 01:04:19.759
Three of them stand
leaning against the wall

1340
01:04:19.760 --> 01:04:21.399
behind me, the back wall.

1341
01:04:21.400 --> 01:04:22.679
In my memory, they've got
toothpicks in their mouths.

1342
01:04:22.680 --> 01:04:23.959
I know that that's not real.

1343
01:04:23.960 --> 01:04:25.679
I know that's
make-believe in my head,

1344
01:04:25.680 --> 01:04:29.319
but that's how it felt. But
they were paying me no mind.

1345
01:04:29.320 --> 01:04:32.639
The final two kids
stand right here.

1346
01:04:32.640 --> 01:04:34.399
One of them's leant
against the luggage.

1347
01:04:34.400 --> 01:04:35.919
He's looking up and down the
carriage, paying me no mind.

1348
01:04:35.920 --> 01:04:38.079
But one of them,
flush to the seats,

1349
01:04:38.080 --> 01:04:43.879
eyeballing me the whole time,
paying me all of his mind.

1350
01:04:43.880 --> 01:04:46.919
And I'm sitting there, and I'm
just looking out the window.

1351
01:04:46.920 --> 01:04:51.359
I'm pretending like I've got no
idea any of this is happening,

1352
01:04:51.360 --> 01:04:54.439
like this is how I ride a
train in the modern day.

1353
01:04:54.440 --> 01:04:57.919
I don't sit there and scroll on
my phone like a normal person.

1354
01:04:57.920 --> 01:05:01.439
I look out the window like
an Enid Blyton character.

1355
01:05:01.440 --> 01:05:05.599
What a splendid day
on the railway!

1356
01:05:05.600 --> 01:05:07.999
Is that Cecil?

1357
01:05:08.000 --> 01:05:10.919
It's Cecil Armitage,
the rapscallion.

1358
01:05:10.920 --> 01:05:11.999
Toodle-oo, Cecil.

1359
01:05:12.000 --> 01:05:13.520
We're off to the city.

1360
01:05:19.400 --> 01:05:21.479
This kid.

1361
01:05:21.480 --> 01:05:23.759
Oi!

1362
01:05:23.760 --> 01:05:25.479
Look at him.

1363
01:05:25.480 --> 01:05:26.760
Fuck you looking at?

1364
01:05:29.640 --> 01:05:31.879
Exceptional work.

1365
01:05:31.880 --> 01:05:34.319
I was dancing with
the best of them.

1366
01:05:34.320 --> 01:05:35.399
Because here's the thing--

1367
01:05:35.400 --> 01:05:37.159
I know the rules of the jungle.

1368
01:05:37.160 --> 01:05:38.959
Someone says oi, you
got to acknowledge them.

1369
01:05:38.960 --> 01:05:41.879
But if you look at someone,
you're asking for trouble.

1370
01:05:41.880 --> 01:05:44.639
My only way out of that would
have been if this kid said oi,

1371
01:05:44.640 --> 01:05:46.319
and I'd gone--

1372
01:05:46.320 --> 01:05:52.479
Yes?
How may I help you, young chap?

1373
01:05:52.480 --> 01:05:53.719
It looks like rain.

1374
01:05:53.720 --> 01:05:55.000
I hope you brought
your galoshes.

1375
01:05:57.880 --> 01:06:00.119
Is that Montgomery?

1376
01:06:00.120 --> 01:06:03.959
It's Montgomery St. Stephens,
the ne'er-do-well.

1377
01:06:03.960 --> 01:06:06.239
Toodle-oo, Montgomery!

1378
01:06:06.240 --> 01:06:07.880
Merry Christmas
to you and yours.

1379
01:06:14.160 --> 01:06:15.719
Oi.

1380
01:06:15.720 --> 01:06:18.479
Fuck you looking at?

1381
01:06:18.480 --> 01:06:22.639
Oh, you said oi,
so I looked at you.

1382
01:06:22.640 --> 01:06:25.079
That's what I said.

1383
01:06:25.080 --> 01:06:28.079
The little kid sat at
a spinning wheel again.

1384
01:06:28.080 --> 01:06:31.480
Oh, you said oi,
so I looked at you.

1385
01:06:34.040 --> 01:06:38.159
You being fucking
cheeky to me, mate?

1386
01:06:38.160 --> 01:06:39.400
I'm 36 in this story.

1387
01:06:41.160 --> 01:06:42.719
Scientifically
impossible for me to be

1388
01:06:42.720 --> 01:06:46.039
cheeky to a 13-year-old boy.

1389
01:06:46.040 --> 01:06:47.399
But I didn't say that to him.

1390
01:06:47.400 --> 01:06:49.239
I didn't know what
to say to this kid.

1391
01:06:49.240 --> 01:06:51.359
I've seen everyone try every
approach with these teenagers.

1392
01:06:51.360 --> 01:06:53.039
None of it had worked.

1393
01:06:53.040 --> 01:06:55.639
I don't think I would have said
what I said at any other point

1394
01:06:55.640 --> 01:06:58.799
in my life, but I was
fresh out of lockdown.

1395
01:06:58.800 --> 01:07:00.239
I still had lockdown brain.

1396
01:07:00.240 --> 01:07:02.759
I was thinking like I
thought in lockdown.

1397
01:07:02.760 --> 01:07:04.599
I'd been talking
a lot in lockdown

1398
01:07:04.600 --> 01:07:06.919
about how I wanted to deal with
confrontation, especially when

1399
01:07:06.920 --> 01:07:08.199
it came to hecklers at gigs.

1400
01:07:08.200 --> 01:07:10.119
I'd been talking about
it loads during therapy

1401
01:07:10.120 --> 01:07:12.640
sessions over Zoom that I could
afford any time I felt like it.

1402
01:07:16.440 --> 01:07:17.879
So I was like, I'm
going to respond

1403
01:07:17.880 --> 01:07:20.679
to this child
like an adult.

1404
01:07:20.680 --> 01:07:24.080
I'm going to respond
with honesty.

1405
01:07:25.840 --> 01:07:27.680
You being fucking
cheeky to me, mate?

1406
01:07:31.160 --> 01:07:32.800
Why are you trying to scare me?

1407
01:07:39.440 --> 01:07:43.479
Oh, you're fucking
scared, are you?

1408
01:07:43.480 --> 01:07:46.119
Yeah, I am scared.

1409
01:07:46.120 --> 01:07:48.999
You're scaring me right now.

1410
01:07:49.000 --> 01:07:52.439
When I said, you're scaring me
right now, everything about

1411
01:07:52.440 --> 01:07:53.839
him changed.

1412
01:07:53.840 --> 01:07:55.959
The whole bravado just
melted away, and he was

1413
01:07:55.960 --> 01:07:57.559
just a 13-year-old kid again.

1414
01:07:57.560 --> 01:07:59.239
His face was proper
like, what have I become?

1415
01:07:59.240 --> 01:08:01.079
Like he's trying to take
it all in, what's gone on.

1416
01:08:01.080 --> 01:08:03.479
He starts panicking and looking
at the leader in front of me.

1417
01:08:03.480 --> 01:08:05.679
Now he's like a McDonald's
employee searching

1418
01:08:05.680 --> 01:08:07.479
for his supervisor,
who's just like,

1419
01:08:07.480 --> 01:08:08.439
this wasn't in the manual.

1420
01:08:08.440 --> 01:08:09.719
I need your help back here.

1421
01:08:09.720 --> 01:08:13.439
This one's saying he's scared.

1422
01:08:13.440 --> 01:08:14.839
The leader shot up.

1423
01:08:14.840 --> 01:08:16.199
He's looking down at me
over the back of his seat.

1424
01:08:16.200 --> 01:08:19.199
Fuck you scared for?

1425
01:08:19.200 --> 01:08:25.599
Uh, he said oi, so
I looked at him.

1426
01:08:25.600 --> 01:08:28.239
And he said, fuck
you looking at?

1427
01:08:28.240 --> 01:08:29.919
And I know that
sounds silly to you,

1428
01:08:29.920 --> 01:08:31.999
but I can't deal with that.

1429
01:08:32.000 --> 01:08:34.319
Like, I'm anxious at
the best of times.

1430
01:08:34.320 --> 01:08:37.359
If a stranger is directly
confrontational to me,

1431
01:08:37.360 --> 01:08:38.919
I'm going to freeze up.

1432
01:08:38.920 --> 01:08:40.559
And like, you've all been
throwing stuff in people's

1433
01:08:40.560 --> 01:08:41.759
faces and shouting people
down and intimidating

1434
01:08:41.760 --> 01:08:43.119
the whole carriage.

1435
01:08:43.120 --> 01:08:44.559
And now you've
completely surrounded me,

1436
01:08:44.560 --> 01:08:46.199
and I think in this
situation there's,

1437
01:08:46.200 --> 01:08:48.079
like, fight, flight, or flop,
and I'm flop every time.

1438
01:08:48.080 --> 01:08:49.639
I know that about myself.

1439
01:08:49.640 --> 01:08:51.359
So this is really
scary right now.

1440
01:08:51.360 --> 01:08:53.719
I'm genuinely scared.

1441
01:08:53.720 --> 01:08:57.239
And he looked at
me and he went,

1442
01:08:57.240 --> 01:08:58.439
right, give him some room.

1443
01:08:58.440 --> 01:08:59.599
He's scared.

1444
01:08:59.600 --> 01:09:01.919
Back away from him.
Back away.

1445
01:09:01.920 --> 01:09:03.119
Give him some space.

1446
01:09:03.120 --> 01:09:04.240
What are you
scaring people for?

1447
01:09:08.560 --> 01:09:10.479
Whole country's been through
enough for the last two years.

1448
01:09:10.480 --> 01:09:13.079
You're scaring
people on the train?

1449
01:09:13.080 --> 01:09:14.639
Yeah, yeah, real
proud of yourself.

1450
01:09:14.640 --> 01:09:16.360
Get those goddamn toothpicks
out of your mouths!

1451
01:09:20.880 --> 01:09:23.399
When I first told that
kid that I was scared,

1452
01:09:23.400 --> 01:09:25.679
I remember seeing all the other
adults in the train look at me

1453
01:09:25.680 --> 01:09:28.159
as if to say,
well, I guess this

1454
01:09:28.160 --> 01:09:29.720
is the first one of us to die.

1455
01:09:32.000 --> 01:09:34.399
When they left me alone,
everyone was like, sorry,

1456
01:09:34.400 --> 01:09:35.439
I could have said that?

1457
01:09:35.440 --> 01:09:36.439
I've been scared
the whole time.

1458
01:09:36.440 --> 01:09:37.479
What are you talking about?

1459
01:09:37.480 --> 01:09:38.839
You threw a bottle
of Coke at my eyes.

1460
01:09:38.840 --> 01:09:41.679
It's fucked up!

1461
01:09:41.680 --> 01:09:43.879
The rest of the journey,
they left everyone alone.

1462
01:09:43.880 --> 01:09:46.119
Just on their phones, they're
chatting amongst themselves.

1463
01:09:46.120 --> 01:09:48.159
We got to their stop
at Wellingborough

1464
01:09:48.160 --> 01:09:49.520
and they got off.

1465
01:09:53.760 --> 01:09:56.279
They all had to file past me
to get to the door, these kids.

1466
01:09:56.280 --> 01:09:58.919
I don't want to boast, but
four out of seven fist bumps.

1467
01:09:58.920 --> 01:10:00.439
Pretty good going.
That's pretty good.

1468
01:10:00.440 --> 01:10:02.119
It's not as cool when
they're accompanied

1469
01:10:02.120 --> 01:10:05.240
by the phrase "sorry we
scared you," but I'll take it.

1470
01:10:07.160 --> 01:10:08.919
You were the scariest
of them all, little man.

1471
01:10:08.920 --> 01:10:10.160
Home safe.
Home safe.

1472
01:10:14.200 --> 01:10:17.039
Look, that story, more than
any other story in this show,

1473
01:10:17.040 --> 01:10:20.199
I always want to stress to the
audience that it's 100% true.

1474
01:10:20.200 --> 01:10:23.559
Because I'm aware that
it doesn't sound true.

1475
01:10:23.560 --> 01:10:25.359
I'm aware that it
sounds like too

1476
01:10:25.360 --> 01:10:26.799
neat of a metaphor
for how I'm dealing

1477
01:10:26.800 --> 01:10:28.479
with hecklers these days.

1478
01:10:28.480 --> 01:10:30.839
And when I say that they all
left me alone as well, that's

1479
01:10:30.840 --> 01:10:32.439
the only thing I've ever
told my therapist where

1480
01:10:32.440 --> 01:10:34.239
he's been like,
what else you been

1481
01:10:34.240 --> 01:10:35.359
lying about over the years?

1482
01:10:35.360 --> 01:10:36.319
What's this?

1483
01:10:36.320 --> 01:10:37.399
They didn't leave you alone.

1484
01:10:37.400 --> 01:10:38.679
But they did.

1485
01:10:38.680 --> 01:10:40.759
Everything in that
story, 100% true.

1486
01:10:40.760 --> 01:10:41.959
All of it happened.

1487
01:10:41.960 --> 01:10:43.879
When the guy shouted, your
parents do not love you,

1488
01:10:43.880 --> 01:10:45.479
I actually saw that
on a different train,

1489
01:10:45.480 --> 01:10:47.359
and I airdropped
it into this story.

1490
01:10:47.360 --> 01:10:48.519
But all of it happened.

1491
01:10:48.520 --> 01:10:50.240
It's all true stuff that I saw.

1492
01:10:54.760 --> 01:10:56.519
Just so we can all leave
trusting each other,

1493
01:10:56.520 --> 01:10:59.039
there is one part of the
show which I did fabricate.

1494
01:10:59.040 --> 01:11:00.279
I'll just come
clean now and we can

1495
01:11:00.280 --> 01:11:01.759
all leave knowing what's what.

1496
01:11:01.760 --> 01:11:04.399
The only part of the
show that wasn't true

1497
01:11:04.400 --> 01:11:08.919
is when I told you that Stephen
Minney was my Cub Scout leader.

1498
01:11:08.920 --> 01:11:10.319
That's not true.
He wasn't.

1499
01:11:10.320 --> 01:11:11.799
He wasn't my Cub Scout leader.

1500
01:11:11.800 --> 01:11:13.239
He was my Venture Scout leader.

1501
01:11:13.240 --> 01:11:14.639
I was 15.

1502
01:11:14.640 --> 01:11:15.760
I didn't want to admit
that to you at the time.

1503
01:11:17.640 --> 01:11:19.479
But that is what happened.

1504
01:11:19.480 --> 01:11:21.199
And he wasn't
called Shere Khan.

1505
01:11:21.200 --> 01:11:23.600
He was called Steve, and I
still didn't put it together.

1506
01:11:32.000 --> 01:11:32.959
Uh, but no, thank you.

1507
01:11:32.960 --> 01:11:34.639
I appreciate all the heckles.

1508
01:11:34.640 --> 01:11:36.599
And listen, when I started
doing this show two years ago,

1509
01:11:36.600 --> 01:11:39.119
um, I didn't know what the
result of this experiment

1510
01:11:39.120 --> 01:11:40.719
would be.

1511
01:11:40.720 --> 01:11:42.239
I basically decided that I was
going to let the audience do

1512
01:11:42.240 --> 01:11:43.839
whatever they want,
so that it forced

1513
01:11:43.840 --> 01:11:47.079
me to address my own
shortcomings as a comedian.

1514
01:11:47.080 --> 01:11:49.719
But I didn't know what would
happen if I told you you could

1515
01:11:49.720 --> 01:11:51.399
do whatever you
wanted, and what

1516
01:11:51.400 --> 01:11:55.839
I've learnt is you were doing
whatever you wanted anyway.

1517
01:11:55.840 --> 01:11:58.279
None of you have behaved
any differently tonight

1518
01:11:58.280 --> 01:12:00.639
than you would have if
you'd seen me on a tour

1519
01:12:00.640 --> 01:12:02.399
with all the rules intact.

1520
01:12:02.400 --> 01:12:03.719
That's what I've learned,
is that some of you,

1521
01:12:03.720 --> 01:12:05.079
if you heckled, you would
have heckled anyway.

1522
01:12:05.080 --> 01:12:06.679
If you didn't,
you wouldn't have.

1523
01:12:06.680 --> 01:12:08.199
I've had every single type
of gig that I normally

1524
01:12:08.200 --> 01:12:10.719
have on tour, from
almost abject silence

1525
01:12:10.720 --> 01:12:14.039
for the whole two hours,
to laughter wall-to-wall,

1526
01:12:14.040 --> 01:12:15.999
to heckling constantly,
to one person

1527
01:12:16.000 --> 01:12:18.679
heckling and the whole room
turning on them, to gigs

1528
01:12:18.680 --> 01:12:20.519
that verge on violence
and we have to,

1529
01:12:20.520 --> 01:12:23.079
like--but that's every
tour I've ever done.

1530
01:12:23.080 --> 01:12:25.439
But I'm not trying
to change you guys.

1531
01:12:25.440 --> 01:12:27.879
I'm trying to change
my response to you,

1532
01:12:27.880 --> 01:12:31.519
and my response to
you used to be bad.

1533
01:12:31.520 --> 01:12:34.959
And whatever the situation,
I would tip it over.

1534
01:12:34.960 --> 01:12:38.079
So look, if you haven't
enjoyed the show tonight,

1535
01:12:38.080 --> 01:12:41.599
please take some
consolation in the fact it

1536
01:12:41.600 --> 01:12:42.800
used to be a lot worse.

1537
01:12:45.440 --> 01:12:47.120
A lot worse.

1538
01:12:54.400 --> 01:12:58.559
Trying to take care of myself
offstage as well as onstage.

1539
01:12:58.560 --> 01:13:00.039
That's where you do
most of your work, is--

1540
01:13:00.040 --> 01:13:01.279
I went on holiday.

1541
01:13:01.280 --> 01:13:02.839
I've tried to take
more time off,

1542
01:13:02.840 --> 01:13:04.560
you know, pumping the brakes
and taking a step back.

1543
01:13:07.400 --> 01:13:08.679
My girlfriend and
I went on holiday.

1544
01:13:08.680 --> 01:13:11.119
We went away for
a week to, uh--

1545
01:13:11.120 --> 01:13:14.679
to Disney World in Florida.

1546
01:13:14.680 --> 01:13:16.799
Brought the boy
with me, of course.

1547
01:13:16.800 --> 01:13:18.759
Like I'm going to put him
onstage in front of you guys

1548
01:13:18.760 --> 01:13:19.999
but not take him to Disney?

1549
01:13:20.000 --> 01:13:22.039
Come on, I'm not a monster.

1550
01:13:22.040 --> 01:13:24.919
And everyone we told we were
going to Disney for a week,

1551
01:13:24.920 --> 01:13:28.079
they all responded by
going, what, without kids?

1552
01:13:28.080 --> 01:13:30.639
Oh, we're taking kids with us.

1553
01:13:30.640 --> 01:13:33.199
I took the boy with me,
she brought the girl along,

1554
01:13:33.200 --> 01:13:34.959
and they had a great
time the whole week,

1555
01:13:34.960 --> 01:13:36.799
the boy and the girl running
around Disney having a blast.

1556
01:13:36.800 --> 01:13:38.159
Because for me--

1557
01:13:38.160 --> 01:13:39.759
I'm not going to end the
show by telling you what

1558
01:13:39.760 --> 01:13:40.759
makes a good relationship.

1559
01:13:40.760 --> 01:13:41.839
We're all different.

1560
01:13:41.840 --> 01:13:43.479
It's different for all of us.

1561
01:13:43.480 --> 01:13:45.519
But for me, a good relationship
is when you're not just

1562
01:13:45.520 --> 01:13:47.399
both getting on with each
other in the here and now,

1563
01:13:47.400 --> 01:13:51.519
but simultaneously, every
past version of yourselves

1564
01:13:51.520 --> 01:13:54.239
is getting on with
each other as well.

1565
01:13:54.240 --> 01:13:57.199
And you don't have to protect
your younger self around them,

1566
01:13:57.200 --> 01:14:00.039
because they like
them, they love them,

1567
01:14:00.040 --> 01:14:02.639
and they want to
protect them as well.

1568
01:14:02.640 --> 01:14:05.839
And look, I know
that bit isn't funny.

1569
01:14:05.840 --> 01:14:07.679
I know it's not a
funny bit, but that's

1570
01:14:07.680 --> 01:14:09.039
what happens if
you actually write

1571
01:14:09.040 --> 01:14:10.479
comedy from a place of love.

1572
01:14:10.480 --> 01:14:11.439
It's not funny.

1573
01:14:11.440 --> 01:14:13.519
That's the shittest
bit of the show.

1574
01:14:13.520 --> 01:14:14.959
Thank you so much
for coming, everyone.

1575
01:14:14.960 --> 01:14:15.919
You've been lovely.

1576
01:14:15.920 --> 01:14:17.199
I've had a lot of fun.

1577
01:14:17.200 --> 01:14:18.759
I'll see you another time.
Thank you.

1578
01:14:18.760 --> 01:14:20.560
Good night.