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[TV static drones]
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[bright tone]
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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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- Good evening, people of
the Northampton audience,
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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and welcome to "James Acaster:
Hecklers Welcome."
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Before we begin,
here are the house rules.
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[drumming]
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[cheers and applause]
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Yes!
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Show 'em how we do it!
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This is how we do it!
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Thank you so much, Northampton.
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That felt incredible.
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James Acaster here,
reporting for the best
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evening of his life--
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of his professional
life, absolutely.
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First of all, though,
so you get some context,
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I'm going to tell you about the
worst gig of my entire career.
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Happened in the early days.
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I was baby-faced as hell.
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Before I even got to the mic
stand, a drunk lady heckled me.
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Goes, oi!
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Does your mother know
you're up this late?
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Hey, mate, mate!
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Does your mother know
you're up this late?
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I said, mate, mate, mate, mate!
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Hey, mate!
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Does your mother know
you're up this late?
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Anyway, this is the
story about how once,
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in order to shut up
a heckler, I claimed
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that my mother was dead.
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[laughter]
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I looked at this
lady, and I said,
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yeah, my mum's dead, actually.
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And then I followed
it up--some
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people have said
unnecessarily--with,
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really recently as well.
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[laughter]
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Because I didn't want
her heckling me again.
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Wanted to make sure that
whatever I said to this woman,
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she'd be silent for
the rest of my time
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onstage, which she
was, by the way,
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along with the rest of the
audience, who felt absolutely
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devoed for the kid
onstage trying to do
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stand-up comedy despite having
recently buried his own mother.
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[laughter]
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I had no idea why
I'd done that, man.
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I came offstage
thinking, that was nuts.
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What were you thinking?
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What was that about?
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I've only figured it out
in recent years--
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yeah, I thought so.
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[laughter]
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[applause]
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Look, sometimes it's, uh,
just more reassuring to just
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fuck it straight out the gate.
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[laughter]
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At least that wasn't
my fault, you know.
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I was heckled by the
microphone today.
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It's called "Hecklers Welcome,"
and the same
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goes for the tech team.
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If they want to
punk me, they can.
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They absolutely did me a treat.
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And actually, may I say as
well, bravo to all of you
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during that, because we
all--we all heard it.
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From the moment--
[laughter]
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From the moment I
started talking,
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everyone was like,
that mic's broke.
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That mic doesn't work.
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He's filming this.
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And all of you absolutely
just homed in on what I
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was saying and were
like, we're gonna--
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we're here for you, man.
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Every time we think we should
laugh, we're going to laugh,
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even though this is
unpleasant on the ears.
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[drumming]
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Best gig I've ever had
happened last year in the back
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of a taxicab in London.
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Going home late at night,
the cabbie turns to me.
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Says, James, I've been a cabbie
in London for decades now,
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but I've decided I'm
going to move to Norfolk.
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I want to be
nearer my daughter.
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I was like, man, that's
a beautiful story.
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But you do realize, if you
want to be a cabbie in Norfolk,
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they make you do a really
strict series of exams.
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You've got to memorize all
the routes around Norfolk.
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Every street name,
every road name,
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you've got to have it
in there, ready to go.
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Says, really?
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Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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It's called the Norwich.
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[laughter]
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Now, listen, don't worry if
you didn't get that joke.
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Most people don't
get that joke.
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It's what is known
as not a good joke.
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[laughter]
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Do it all the way--
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the whole tour, I've done it.
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Uh, rarely goes down well.
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Pretty much goes down the worst
out of all the material every
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single night, consistently.
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But I tell you it
because I've never
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had a joke go down as
well as when I told
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that joke to that cab driver.
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It was tailor-made
for that guy.
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He laughed so much, it
was definitely dangerous.
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He kept remembering
it on the way home,
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laughing again and repeating
"the Norwich" out loud.
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Said he was gonna tell all
the boys at the depot my joke,
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and he told me I was funny.
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Happened to me
last year, but it's
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the first time
in my entire life
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where I've actually
thought to myself,
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I think I could be
a stand-up comedian.
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[laughter]
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Now, in order to tell you about
the best gig I've ever seen,
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I have to tell you
about the second-best
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gig I've ever seen--
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David Byrne doing "American
Utopia" live on Broadway.
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Amazing music,
obviously, choreography.
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Did a very nice speech
at the end about how
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important it is to vote.
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Then this big old
curtain came down
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and all the lights came on
in this beautiful
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Broadway theater.
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I was second row,
and in front of me,
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a couple instantly stood
up--middle-aged hipsters,
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I'd say, white hipsters.
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And they turned and they
regarded the whole audience.
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No one else had
even stood up yet.
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And they looked at
each other and went--
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Vote! Vote! Vote! Vote!
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Vote! Vote! Vote! Vote!
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Vote! Vote!
Vote! Vote!
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And, like, not one person
joined in with those people,
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and that is the best
gig I've ever seen.
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[laughter]
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David Byrne, number two.
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Those stupid fucking
idiots, number one.
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And I was front row for that,
second row for David Byrne.
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[drumming]
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- Come on, Kermit!
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- Come on, Kermit?
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Oh, man.
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[laughter]
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Why did I wear this?
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You absolutely did me.
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I can't believe it.
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I thought this looked cool.
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[laughter]
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But you're right, I do
look like Kermit the Frog.
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[laughter]
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And you absolutely
took your shot.
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I'm toast.
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Do you have any
idea how it feels
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to be toast with a cameraman
right fucking there?
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This guy stood right as
close to the stage as he can,
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during the lowest
moment of my life.
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I just got called Kermit.
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Kermit the--do you
know who Kermit is?
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He's green.
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He's green frog.
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I'm wearing green.
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And he can pick up all
the sorrow in my eyes.
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[laughter]
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[drumming]
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It's going better than
when that woman shouted,
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"Does your mother know
you're up this late?" to me.
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I haven't pretended any of
my parents are dead yet.
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That's the bar for me.
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Did I pretend a
relative was dead?
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No?
Well, then it's a success.
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Honestly, man, I didn't know
why I'd said to that audience
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on that night.
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I thought it was nuts.
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And I'm only realizing in
recent years why I did it.
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I think we've all reflected
on ourselves a lot
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in recent years.
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In the lockdowns, we all
learnt a lot about ourselves,
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and what I learnt
about myself was--
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and don't let this
get in your head
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or ruin the show for you in
any way, it's absolutely fine.
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But what I learnt about
myself during lockdown was,
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um, I don't like
doing stand-up comedy.
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[laughter]
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And that's not
weird, by the way.
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It's not weird to not enjoy
doing stand-up comedy.
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Like, you know the reason why
none of you do stand-up comedy?
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Same.
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I agree with you.
You're right.
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Just took me 16 years
to figure it out.
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Over 16 years ago,
I was about to do
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my first-ever gig, a little
room above a pub in Kettering.
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I'm about to go onstage, and
the barman sidled up to me
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and said, oi, mate, here's
a bit of trivia for you
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before you do your first show.
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Excitement and
nervousness, they're
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actually the same emotion,
chemically, in your body.
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Just depends if you're
a positive person
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or a negative person,
how you choose
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to interpret that emotion.
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Now, looking around the
room, you've all correctly
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identified that as a lie.
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[laughter]
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I wasn't so lucky.
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I was like, thank you,
wise barman.
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That's handy.
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And for the last 16-plus
years, I've been beside
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the stage most nights
of the year going,
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I-I'm excited.
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[nervously]
I'm doing what I love!
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[laughter]
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So many times over
the years, people
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have told me I'm brave
for doing stand-up comedy.
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Oh, you're so brave.
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I couldn't do what you do.
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You're so brave.
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Throw the compliment back in
their face every single time.
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I'm not brave!
What are you talking about?
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I'm way too excited
to be brave, mate.
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But now that I
realize how scared
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I am every single evening,
I'm here to tell you,
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I'm brave as hell.
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Don't care.
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Don't care if that
sounds arrogant.
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I'm really brave
doing this job.
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Look, I'm not saying I'm
like a fireman or a soldier
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or anything, but a lifeguard?
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Sure.
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I'm easily as brave
as a lifeguard.
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Uh, a swimming pool
lifeguard, not a beach one.
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Not a beach one.
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[drumming]
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In 2019, I did the biggest tour
of my career, rooms this size
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off my own name for
the very first time,
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90% of the year on the road.
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That was the dream when I
started in that little room
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above a pub in Kettering.
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But four nights out of five,
I'd walk out onto the stage
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doing my routine, into my
tightly scripted material,
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and before I even got
to the first punchline,
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someone way up
in the gods who I
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couldn't even see
would interrupt
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me by saying something like--
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[screaming]
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[babbling incoherently]
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[laughs]
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I told you I'd do it.
You said I wouldn't do it.
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I told you I'd do it.
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[drumming]
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And every time
that happened, I'd
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single out that individual in
front of the entire audience.
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00:12:00,760 --> 00:12:02,359
I'd come back with
something witty
255
00:12:02,360 --> 00:12:06,999
like, um, like, uh, shut the
fuck up, or never fucking come
256
00:12:07,000 --> 00:12:07,959
and see me again.
257
00:12:07,960 --> 00:12:09,239
That's funny.
258
00:12:09,240 --> 00:12:11,759
Or the golden classic,
go fuck yourself.
259
00:12:11,760 --> 00:12:13,319
[laughter]
260
00:12:13,320 --> 00:12:16,479
That's a fine response, if
you're an edgy comedian,
261
00:12:16,480 --> 00:12:19,759
if you're, like, Frankie Boyle,
and that suits your persona.
262
00:12:19,760 --> 00:12:21,319
But if you're walking
onstage like,
263
00:12:21,320 --> 00:12:23,039
I've started eating
apricots recently.
264
00:12:23,040 --> 00:12:24,759
Choke on shit,
you fucking cunt!
265
00:12:24,760 --> 00:12:26,319
I hope you fucking die!
266
00:12:26,320 --> 00:12:29,440
[laughter]
267
00:12:37,960 --> 00:12:39,159
It's quite the tonal shift.
268
00:12:39,160 --> 00:12:41,479
No one ever enjoyed that.
269
00:12:41,480 --> 00:12:43,519
It makes it very hard to
segue into your material
270
00:12:43,520 --> 00:12:45,639
about starting your own
honey business once you've
271
00:12:45,640 --> 00:12:47,959
said that sort of stuff.
272
00:12:47,960 --> 00:12:49,239
[drumming]
273
00:12:49,240 --> 00:12:50,679
I'd yell at them if
they were too noisy.
274
00:12:50,680 --> 00:12:54,399
I'd yell at them if they
were too quiet as well.
275
00:12:54,400 --> 00:12:56,759
Nothing was good enough for me.
276
00:12:56,760 --> 00:12:59,759
If I saw one person
looking bored--
277
00:12:59,760 --> 00:13:01,599
which, side note, my fault--
278
00:13:01,600 --> 00:13:04,600
[laughter]
279
00:13:06,120 --> 00:13:08,799
I'd destroy them.
280
00:13:08,800 --> 00:13:11,119
The rest of the audience could
be laughing their heads off,
281
00:13:11,120 --> 00:13:12,439
every single person.
282
00:13:12,440 --> 00:13:18,039
If I saw one person
watching me like this--
283
00:13:18,040 --> 00:13:21,479
which, by the way, that's
how I watch everything.
284
00:13:21,480 --> 00:13:23,639
That's me watching
the funniest comedian
285
00:13:23,640 --> 00:13:25,439
I've ever seen in my life.
286
00:13:25,440 --> 00:13:27,800
[laughter]
287
00:13:29,040 --> 00:13:30,959
Nish is good.
288
00:13:30,960 --> 00:13:33,520
[laughter]
289
00:13:34,720 --> 00:13:37,999
I think I've laughed out loud
as part of an audience twice
290
00:13:38,000 --> 00:13:39,959
my entire life, both
times in the cinema,
291
00:13:39,960 --> 00:13:43,159
so it weren't even live.
292
00:13:43,160 --> 00:13:47,439
I laughed when Jack Black
kicked the dog off the bridge,
293
00:13:47,440 --> 00:13:50,399
and I laughed when Mini
Me humped the laser.
294
00:13:50,400 --> 00:13:54,919
They're the two times that
this sophisticated fella
295
00:13:54,920 --> 00:13:56,679
has laughed with other people.
296
00:13:56,680 --> 00:14:00,119
And I'm bollocking you nightly.
297
00:14:00,120 --> 00:14:01,439
I'm not alone, though.
298
00:14:01,440 --> 00:14:04,039
Most comics don't deal
with it very well if you
299
00:14:04,040 --> 00:14:05,359
don't laugh at their jokes.
300
00:14:05,360 --> 00:14:07,759
Nine times out of
10, we'll blame you.
301
00:14:07,760 --> 00:14:09,279
We'll go on the offensive.
302
00:14:09,280 --> 00:14:12,559
The comedian will say something
like, oh, I'm sorry, guys.
303
00:14:12,560 --> 00:14:14,999
Oh, did I cross the line?
304
00:14:15,000 --> 00:14:18,079
Oh, are my radical thoughts too
much for your puny
305
00:14:18,080 --> 00:14:20,479
snowflake brains?
306
00:14:20,480 --> 00:14:22,559
They'll never be like,
oh, I'm sorry, guys.
307
00:14:22,560 --> 00:14:25,559
Was that underwritten
and poorly performed?
308
00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:28,680
[laughter]
309
00:14:31,560 --> 00:14:35,199
I saw a comedian recently
go, oh, I'm sorry, guys.
310
00:14:35,200 --> 00:14:37,759
Oh, getting offended
early, are we?
311
00:14:37,760 --> 00:14:42,759
Well, let me explain
something to you about comedy.
312
00:14:42,760 --> 00:14:45,639
Comedy always comes
313
00:14:45,640 --> 00:14:49,479
from a place of love, OK?
314
00:14:49,480 --> 00:14:54,639
It never comes from
a place of hate.
315
00:14:54,640 --> 00:14:56,599
And I was at the
back of the room
316
00:14:56,600 --> 00:15:01,039
like, well, I wouldn't
be so sure about that.
317
00:15:01,040 --> 00:15:03,559
Well, I for one know that I'm
going to go home and write
318
00:15:03,560 --> 00:15:06,519
a routine about this.
319
00:15:06,520 --> 00:15:10,319
And coming from no place of
love, I'll tell you that much.
320
00:15:10,320 --> 00:15:12,439
Hate that comedian.
Hope they're dead.
321
00:15:12,440 --> 00:15:14,199
[laughter]
322
00:15:14,200 --> 00:15:15,239
I do.
323
00:15:15,240 --> 00:15:18,079
I hope them and their
entire fan base die soon.
324
00:15:18,080 --> 00:15:20,559
That's what I hope.
325
00:15:20,560 --> 00:15:22,959
I hope that happens.
326
00:15:22,960 --> 00:15:24,639
I hope they fall down
a manhole, all of them,
327
00:15:24,640 --> 00:15:27,079
same manhole, one
after the other.
328
00:15:27,080 --> 00:15:29,119
I hope they're out doing
a conga celebrating
329
00:15:29,120 --> 00:15:32,079
their free speech,
and they tumble down
330
00:15:32,080 --> 00:15:33,799
an open manhole like a slinky.
331
00:15:33,800 --> 00:15:36,639
I hope that happens, and they
complain all the way down
332
00:15:36,640 --> 00:15:39,679
that they're being silenced,
and then they splatter into one
333
00:15:39,680 --> 00:15:41,039
another like a domino effect.
334
00:15:41,040 --> 00:15:42,959
I hope that happens.
That's funny to me.
335
00:15:42,960 --> 00:15:44,719
I think that's funny.
336
00:15:44,720 --> 00:15:46,559
That's comedy.
That's comedy.
337
00:15:46,560 --> 00:15:47,759
[drumming]
338
00:15:47,760 --> 00:15:49,359
No, I know I'm
stood up here having
339
00:15:49,360 --> 00:15:51,079
a go at comedians, like
there's no such thing
340
00:15:51,080 --> 00:15:52,999
as a bad audience.
341
00:15:53,000 --> 00:15:55,039
Of course there is.
342
00:15:55,040 --> 00:15:58,039
I've been a member
of bad audiences.
343
00:15:58,040 --> 00:16:02,279
Worst audience I've ever
been in, I was 13 years old.
344
00:16:02,280 --> 00:16:03,599
School assembly.
345
00:16:03,600 --> 00:16:06,360
[laughter]
346
00:16:07,280 --> 00:16:10,839
But it was more of a missed
booking than anything.
347
00:16:10,840 --> 00:16:12,239
For reasons still
unknown to me,
348
00:16:12,240 --> 00:16:13,879
they'd got a yoga
instructor to come in
349
00:16:13,880 --> 00:16:15,799
and talk to us
about the benefits
350
00:16:15,800 --> 00:16:18,879
of regularly practicing yoga.
351
00:16:18,880 --> 00:16:20,639
I don't know if
you've ever been 13.
352
00:16:20,640 --> 00:16:22,479
[laughter]
353
00:16:22,480 --> 00:16:24,999
You're the most supple
person on the planet.
354
00:16:25,000 --> 00:16:27,079
The only thing you respect
less than stretching
355
00:16:27,080 --> 00:16:29,799
is anyone who appears
vaguely religious.
356
00:16:29,800 --> 00:16:32,879
Absolutely tore this
prick to ribbons.
357
00:16:32,880 --> 00:16:34,439
As soon as he
walked onstage, we
358
00:16:34,440 --> 00:16:38,719
identified he was physically
strong, but mentally weak.
359
00:16:38,720 --> 00:16:40,399
The most pathetic
thing, to this day,
360
00:16:40,400 --> 00:16:43,359
I've ever heard anyone say to
their audience is this yoga
361
00:16:43,360 --> 00:16:45,399
instructor going,
please, children,
362
00:16:45,400 --> 00:16:48,759
if you don't stop screaming,
I can't tell you my secrets.
363
00:16:48,760 --> 00:16:51,360
[laughter]
364
00:16:52,040 --> 00:16:52,999
Still makes me smile.
365
00:16:53,000 --> 00:16:54,199
I love it.
366
00:16:54,200 --> 00:16:55,799
So sad.
367
00:16:55,800 --> 00:16:59,199
I can't tell you my secrets.
368
00:16:59,200 --> 00:17:01,999
These aren't secrets, old man!
369
00:17:02,000 --> 00:17:03,319
These aren't secrets.
370
00:17:03,320 --> 00:17:05,919
You're a random white
guy from Kettering.
371
00:17:05,920 --> 00:17:09,879
Everything you know about yoga
is in the public domain, Derek.
372
00:17:09,880 --> 00:17:12,360
[laughter]
373
00:17:15,720 --> 00:17:17,399
It was a shame, though.
374
00:17:17,400 --> 00:17:19,719
I used to love it when people
came in from outside of school
375
00:17:19,720 --> 00:17:20,719
to talk to us.
376
00:17:20,720 --> 00:17:22,479
Those were my favorite days.
377
00:17:22,480 --> 00:17:24,959
When I was five,
my grandmother came
378
00:17:24,960 --> 00:17:26,879
into my primary school
class to give a talk
379
00:17:26,880 --> 00:17:28,559
about the spinning wheel.
380
00:17:28,560 --> 00:17:31,599
And that's not normal
where I'm from, either.
381
00:17:31,600 --> 00:17:34,240
[laughter]
382
00:17:35,520 --> 00:17:37,039
And I've got no answers
to your questions.
383
00:17:37,040 --> 00:17:38,079
I'm sorry, I don't--
384
00:17:38,080 --> 00:17:39,839
I don't know why it happened.
385
00:17:39,840 --> 00:17:41,199
I was five.
I just accepted it.
386
00:17:41,200 --> 00:17:43,559
Everything was happening
to me for the first time.
387
00:17:43,560 --> 00:17:45,879
Then I grew up and
realized it was weird,
388
00:17:45,880 --> 00:17:47,199
but by then she
had passed away.
389
00:17:47,200 --> 00:17:48,959
I couldn't ask her
why it had happened.
390
00:17:48,960 --> 00:17:51,919
So I asked my parents
and they said, we weren't
391
00:17:51,920 --> 00:17:53,239
aware that had happened.
392
00:17:53,240 --> 00:17:55,839
[laughter]
393
00:17:55,840 --> 00:17:56,959
Took it to the grave.
394
00:17:56,960 --> 00:17:58,640
Nothing but respect
for that woman.
395
00:18:00,960 --> 00:18:04,439
She brought in this big
old wooden spinning wheel
396
00:18:04,440 --> 00:18:07,799
from home, and she
put it in front of us.
397
00:18:07,800 --> 00:18:10,679
There's like 35
five-year-olds sat
398
00:18:10,680 --> 00:18:11,799
on the floor in front of her.
399
00:18:11,800 --> 00:18:12,959
She's on a stool.
400
00:18:12,960 --> 00:18:15,439
I can't remember what
the talk was exactly.
401
00:18:15,440 --> 00:18:18,519
It was something along the
lines of, I fucking love this.
402
00:18:18,520 --> 00:18:21,760
[laughter]
403
00:18:34,120 --> 00:18:35,999
Oh, I remember how
she ended her set.
404
00:18:36,000 --> 00:18:39,399
At the end of her
set, she goes,
405
00:18:39,400 --> 00:18:42,439
who wants to come up here, have
a go on the spinning wheel?
406
00:18:42,440 --> 00:18:44,839
As soon as she said
that, all I wanted
407
00:18:44,840 --> 00:18:47,839
to do for the rest of
my natural-born life
408
00:18:47,840 --> 00:18:50,799
was spin wool in
front of an audience.
409
00:18:50,800 --> 00:18:54,759
It's just burning deep
within my heart, that desire.
410
00:18:54,760 --> 00:18:55,999
Put my hand up.
411
00:18:56,000 --> 00:18:57,719
This is one of those
stories, let's face it,
412
00:18:57,720 --> 00:18:58,919
I don't have to end this story.
413
00:18:58,920 --> 00:19:00,079
You know how this story ends.
414
00:19:00,080 --> 00:19:01,919
You know what happens
next, at least.
415
00:19:01,920 --> 00:19:04,639
You know she didn't pick me.
416
00:19:04,640 --> 00:19:05,799
Of course not.
417
00:19:05,800 --> 00:19:07,439
She picked three
other kids, and I
418
00:19:07,440 --> 00:19:10,839
did the classy thing and burst
into loud, unignorable tears.
419
00:19:10,840 --> 00:19:12,759
I went berserk, in floods.
420
00:19:12,760 --> 00:19:14,439
In floods.
421
00:19:14,440 --> 00:19:15,719
She panicked.
422
00:19:15,720 --> 00:19:17,639
Um, OK, yeah, I think we've
got time for one more.
423
00:19:17,640 --> 00:19:20,159
Come on up here, James, even
though I see you every Sunday,
424
00:19:20,160 --> 00:19:22,519
and you've never once shown an
interest in the spinning wheel.
425
00:19:22,520 --> 00:19:24,239
[laughter]
426
00:19:24,240 --> 00:19:28,039
And I'm staggering over my
classmates, just still at a 10,
427
00:19:28,040 --> 00:19:30,639
raining down tears on them.
428
00:19:30,640 --> 00:19:31,879
And my body had
gone all floppy,
429
00:19:31,880 --> 00:19:33,239
like, with emotion, I guess.
430
00:19:33,240 --> 00:19:34,839
So I couldn't stand
at the spinning wheel
431
00:19:34,840 --> 00:19:37,919
like the other kids had done
and use the pedal with dignity.
432
00:19:37,920 --> 00:19:40,119
Instead, my grandmother's
operating the pedal,
433
00:19:40,120 --> 00:19:42,679
and she sits me on her knee.
434
00:19:42,680 --> 00:19:46,999
I'm just lolloping
around, one hand
435
00:19:47,000 --> 00:19:50,199
holding the wool here,
just open-eye crying
436
00:19:50,200 --> 00:19:52,199
at all of my classmates.
437
00:19:52,200 --> 00:19:55,400
[yelling]
438
00:19:57,400 --> 00:19:58,999
And, like, for way too long.
439
00:19:59,000 --> 00:20:01,559
She didn't have to spin that
much wool, in my opinion.
440
00:20:01,560 --> 00:20:02,639
We're not selling it.
441
00:20:02,640 --> 00:20:05,760
Slow down, Nan.
What's--
442
00:20:09,920 --> 00:20:12,879
And that,
it's important to note,
443
00:20:12,880 --> 00:20:15,400
was my first time ever
in front of an audience.
444
00:20:19,040 --> 00:20:22,799
And when I told my
therapist that story,
445
00:20:22,800 --> 00:20:27,599
he was like, uh-huh.
446
00:20:27,600 --> 00:20:30,519
Yeah, that's why, James.
447
00:20:30,520 --> 00:20:33,879
That's why everything.
448
00:20:33,880 --> 00:20:37,319
That's why absolutely
everything about you.
449
00:20:37,320 --> 00:20:39,640
[laughter]
450
00:20:40,680 --> 00:20:42,759
He goes, James, this
story is very important,
451
00:20:42,760 --> 00:20:43,959
what you've just told me.
452
00:20:43,960 --> 00:20:46,119
You've got to bear it in mind.
453
00:20:46,120 --> 00:20:48,399
You've got to remember,
every time you're
454
00:20:48,400 --> 00:20:50,719
onstage in front
of an audience,
455
00:20:50,720 --> 00:20:53,239
it's not just you up there.
456
00:20:53,240 --> 00:20:56,399
That little boy is
up there as well,
457
00:20:56,400 --> 00:21:00,359
and you've got to
protect that boy.
458
00:21:00,360 --> 00:21:05,039
Which, uh, I'd say is like,
um, harder than what I
459
00:21:05,040 --> 00:21:07,279
was doing in the first place.
460
00:21:07,280 --> 00:21:09,079
Like, stand-up comedy is
already pretty difficult.
461
00:21:09,080 --> 00:21:11,719
Now I've got to protect a
boy every time I'm up here?
462
00:21:11,720 --> 00:21:14,519
No wonder I was coming out with
my guard up night after night.
463
00:21:14,520 --> 00:21:17,479
Someone heckles me--
he's just a boy!
464
00:21:17,480 --> 00:21:19,839
Leave the boy alone!
465
00:21:19,840 --> 00:21:20,959
Get behind me, boy.
466
00:21:20,960 --> 00:21:23,799
I'll protect you.
467
00:21:23,800 --> 00:21:26,479
[drumming]
468
00:21:26,480 --> 00:21:31,359
I've got to protect that boy,
man, through the ages as well.
469
00:21:31,360 --> 00:21:33,239
I've got to protect that
five-year-old boy sat
470
00:21:33,240 --> 00:21:35,159
at the spinning wheel, sure.
471
00:21:35,160 --> 00:21:38,879
But I've also got to protect
the six-year-old boy who's
472
00:21:38,880 --> 00:21:40,639
looking in his
parents' bedroom mirror
473
00:21:40,640 --> 00:21:44,879
and practicing his Prince
Charles impression.
474
00:21:44,880 --> 00:21:47,679
That kid needs a
lot of protecting.
475
00:21:47,680 --> 00:21:49,359
[laughter]
476
00:21:49,360 --> 00:21:51,759
The most cringe moment
of my entire life, and I
477
00:21:51,760 --> 00:21:55,359
was the only person
there for it.
478
00:21:55,360 --> 00:21:58,159
It was bad, man.
479
00:21:58,160 --> 00:21:59,599
Sat on the bed.
480
00:21:59,600 --> 00:22:00,559
I closed the door.
481
00:22:00,560 --> 00:22:01,640
I'm looking in the mirror.
482
00:22:03,640 --> 00:22:05,999
For context, I'd entered
the school talent show
483
00:22:06,000 --> 00:22:07,199
and said I could do
impressions, when
484
00:22:07,200 --> 00:22:09,719
I couldn't do impressions.
485
00:22:09,720 --> 00:22:11,479
I was six.
So I was a liar.
486
00:22:11,480 --> 00:22:12,879
So what?
487
00:22:12,880 --> 00:22:14,639
I didn't know that
no six-year-old ever
488
00:22:14,640 --> 00:22:17,519
has done a good impression.
489
00:22:17,520 --> 00:22:20,679
I don't know--none
of you know a six--
490
00:22:20,680 --> 00:22:23,719
none of you know a
six-year-old who's good at--
491
00:22:23,720 --> 00:22:25,959
none of you know a six-year-old
who's like, come over.
492
00:22:25,960 --> 00:22:27,079
Have you met John's kid?
493
00:22:27,080 --> 00:22:29,119
He does an amazing McConaughey.
494
00:22:29,120 --> 00:22:31,519
Listen to this kid.
495
00:22:31,520 --> 00:22:33,799
[high-pitched] All right,
all right, all right.
496
00:22:33,800 --> 00:22:37,279
[laughter]
497
00:22:37,280 --> 00:22:38,559
- Whoo!
498
00:22:38,560 --> 00:22:40,239
- Yeah, that kid's good.
499
00:22:40,240 --> 00:22:43,119
Oh, they love you
in Northampton.
500
00:22:43,120 --> 00:22:46,079
You've never gotten applause
all tour, little kid.
501
00:22:46,080 --> 00:22:47,959
Do you want to do--do
you want to do some more
502
00:22:47,960 --> 00:22:49,719
McConaughey for them?
503
00:22:49,720 --> 00:22:53,120
[high-pitched humming]
504
00:22:55,440 --> 00:22:56,639
The kid's great.
505
00:22:56,640 --> 00:22:59,639
[applause]
506
00:22:59,640 --> 00:23:01,319
You're killing!
507
00:23:01,320 --> 00:23:04,919
Do you want to do--you want
to do one more before you go?
508
00:23:04,920 --> 00:23:06,279
Do "True Detective."
509
00:23:06,280 --> 00:23:09,079
Do "True Detective"
McConaughey.
510
00:23:09,080 --> 00:23:10,999
[high-pitched]
Time is a flat circle.
511
00:23:11,000 --> 00:23:13,239
[laughter]
512
00:23:13,240 --> 00:23:19,199
That's--that's dark from a
little kid, but well done.
513
00:23:19,200 --> 00:23:20,319
They didn't like
that one as much.
514
00:23:20,320 --> 00:23:22,639
That was too dark, actually.
515
00:23:22,640 --> 00:23:25,319
The "Wall Street" stuff
was fun, but time is
516
00:23:25,320 --> 00:23:27,200
a flat circle is a bit much.
517
00:23:29,960 --> 00:23:33,759
[high-pitched]
Time is a flat circle.
518
00:23:33,760 --> 00:23:35,159
- James.
519
00:23:35,160 --> 00:23:36,999
James.
520
00:23:37,000 --> 00:23:39,199
- Hello, Jilly.
521
00:23:39,200 --> 00:23:40,159
Hello, how are you?
522
00:23:40,160 --> 00:23:41,359
- Can you take the mic?
523
00:23:41,360 --> 00:23:42,719
- Yeah, OK.
524
00:23:42,720 --> 00:23:45,639
I'll take the mic, and we're
going to switch the clip now.
525
00:23:45,640 --> 00:23:47,399
Ah.
526
00:23:47,400 --> 00:23:49,959
What other McConaughey
films are there?
527
00:23:49,960 --> 00:23:52,519
[laughter]
528
00:23:52,520 --> 00:23:55,640
[drumming]
529
00:23:56,920 --> 00:23:59,839
Oh, I'll tell you what I'll
do for "Dallas Buyers Club."
530
00:23:59,840 --> 00:24:02,239
I'll do his Oscar
acceptance speech,
531
00:24:02,240 --> 00:24:04,839
because I remember that because
he won the Oscar for it.
532
00:24:04,840 --> 00:24:07,199
And it was this
acceptance speech
533
00:24:07,200 --> 00:24:11,479
I think about all the time.
534
00:24:11,480 --> 00:24:16,239
[high-pitched] When I was
a kid, this guy I knew
535
00:24:16,240 --> 00:24:19,239
said to me, who's your hero?
536
00:24:19,240 --> 00:24:21,519
Who--who's your hero?
537
00:24:21,520 --> 00:24:25,959
And I said, myself
in 10 years' time.
538
00:24:25,960 --> 00:24:29,440
[laughter]
539
00:24:33,520 --> 00:24:37,959
Then 10 years later,
I saw that man again.
540
00:24:37,960 --> 00:24:43,439
And he said to me, you--
are you your hero yet?
541
00:24:43,440 --> 00:24:47,159
And I said, hell, no.
542
00:24:47,160 --> 00:24:48,639
He said, right.
543
00:24:48,640 --> 00:24:50,959
Well, now who's your hero?
544
00:24:50,960 --> 00:24:52,520
And I thought about it.
545
00:24:57,240 --> 00:25:01,199
And I said, myself
in 10 years' time.
546
00:25:01,200 --> 00:25:03,439
[laughter]
547
00:25:03,440 --> 00:25:09,279
And I will always be my
own hero in 10 years' time.
548
00:25:09,280 --> 00:25:11,559
And I thank you for this
award, and I thank the Academy.
549
00:25:11,560 --> 00:25:13,439
Thank you very much.
550
00:25:13,440 --> 00:25:16,400
[drumming]
551
00:25:16,840 --> 00:25:17,999
Hello--this is it.
552
00:25:18,000 --> 00:25:19,199
Here we go.
553
00:25:19,200 --> 00:25:22,599
This is--I'm six years
old, and this is verbatim
554
00:25:22,600 --> 00:25:23,839
what I did on the day.
555
00:25:23,840 --> 00:25:25,639
I remember it,
seared into my mind
556
00:25:25,640 --> 00:25:28,039
because it was so embarrassing.
557
00:25:28,040 --> 00:25:32,959
[wheezy voice] Hello, my
name is Prince Charles.
558
00:25:32,960 --> 00:25:35,479
[laughter]
559
00:25:35,480 --> 00:25:36,999
Now, I know it's
been a long build-up,
560
00:25:37,000 --> 00:25:38,519
but I'm going to put
a pause in there.
561
00:25:38,520 --> 00:25:42,119
We're, um--we're halfway
through the impression.
562
00:25:42,120 --> 00:25:44,239
And I only put a pause in
because there's absolutely
563
00:25:44,240 --> 00:25:47,039
no way that any of you
will be able to guess
564
00:25:47,040 --> 00:25:48,800
where it goes next, so.
565
00:25:51,000 --> 00:25:56,159
[wheezy voice] Hello, my
name is Prince Charles.
566
00:25:56,160 --> 00:25:58,319
[stomps, meows]
567
00:25:58,320 --> 00:26:01,680
[laughter]
568
00:26:06,800 --> 00:26:09,439
That's the cat.
569
00:26:09,440 --> 00:26:14,279
And that is how long my career
as an impressionist lasted.
570
00:26:14,280 --> 00:26:19,919
You are correct in thinking
that the very next morning, I
571
00:26:19,920 --> 00:26:22,359
marched straight into
school, and I said
572
00:26:22,360 --> 00:26:25,239
the familiar catchphrase,
hello, Mrs. Weaver,
573
00:26:25,240 --> 00:26:28,599
I'd like to pull out of
the school talent show, please.
574
00:26:28,600 --> 00:26:31,199
Why?
Because I'm not talented.
575
00:26:31,200 --> 00:26:33,679
Because I don't have a talent.
576
00:26:33,680 --> 00:26:35,279
That was my main takeaway.
577
00:26:35,280 --> 00:26:36,879
I hadn't even been onstage yet
in my life
578
00:26:36,880 --> 00:26:37,879
and done a proper gig.
579
00:26:37,880 --> 00:26:39,319
I'm not talented.
580
00:26:39,320 --> 00:26:41,879
So if you've ever seen me
over the years at a gig--
581
00:26:41,880 --> 00:26:43,679
and some of you will
have, statistically,
582
00:26:43,680 --> 00:26:45,839
would have seen me at a gig
that's going quite well.
583
00:26:45,840 --> 00:26:49,159
And then out of nowhere, and
you don't even understand it
584
00:26:49,160 --> 00:26:51,119
as an audience member,
I start telling
585
00:26:51,120 --> 00:26:52,919
you the gig's going shit.
586
00:26:52,920 --> 00:26:55,359
Oh, this gig's shit,
this is a shit gig.
587
00:26:55,360 --> 00:26:58,559
Just know it's nothing
to do with you.
588
00:26:58,560 --> 00:27:01,279
All I've seen most nights, when
I look out into the audience,
589
00:27:01,280 --> 00:27:04,439
is my own six-year-old
face looking back at me
590
00:27:04,440 --> 00:27:06,559
in the mirror
going, that doesn't
591
00:27:06,560 --> 00:27:07,959
sound like Prince Charles.
592
00:27:07,960 --> 00:27:09,839
[laughter]
593
00:27:09,840 --> 00:27:12,399
Why is there a cat in this?
594
00:27:12,400 --> 00:27:14,279
Well, they're
famously a dog family.
595
00:27:14,280 --> 00:27:15,999
They like corgis.
They like cor--
596
00:27:16,000 --> 00:27:16,959
[drumming]
597
00:27:16,960 --> 00:27:19,519
- Could have been worse.
598
00:27:19,520 --> 00:27:20,799
- Could have been worse?
599
00:27:20,800 --> 00:27:22,759
- Could have been Prince
Andrew in the '90s.
600
00:27:22,760 --> 00:27:24,079
- Huh?
601
00:27:24,080 --> 00:27:26,319
Could have been Prince
Andrew in the '90s.
602
00:27:26,320 --> 00:27:29,079
And applause for a pedophile.
603
00:27:29,080 --> 00:27:31,840
[applause, laughter]
604
00:27:32,480 --> 00:27:34,119
Would you--I mean,
what's your name,
605
00:27:34,120 --> 00:27:35,479
the person who heckled that?
606
00:27:35,480 --> 00:27:37,079
- Danny.
- Danny.
607
00:27:37,080 --> 00:27:38,239
Yes, made-up name.
608
00:27:38,240 --> 00:27:41,439
Um, Danny, can you, uh,
do an impression
609
00:27:41,440 --> 00:27:43,319
of Prince Andrew
in the '90s, please?
610
00:27:43,320 --> 00:27:44,479
[laughter]
611
00:27:44,480 --> 00:27:45,839
- It's not wise.
612
00:27:45,840 --> 00:27:47,639
- It's not wise?
613
00:27:47,640 --> 00:27:51,039
That should have been what
he said in the '90s, maybe.
614
00:27:51,040 --> 00:27:52,239
That would have been good.
615
00:27:52,240 --> 00:27:55,479
That would have saved
us all a lot of trouble.
616
00:27:55,480 --> 00:27:58,239
[drumming]
617
00:27:58,240 --> 00:28:00,199
I've got to protect
the eight-year-old
618
00:28:00,200 --> 00:28:04,639
boy, who apropos of
nothing entered the family
619
00:28:04,640 --> 00:28:05,759
dog into a dog show.
620
00:28:05,760 --> 00:28:08,240
[laughter]
621
00:28:11,240 --> 00:28:12,959
I didn't know I was even
going to go to a dog show
622
00:28:12,960 --> 00:28:14,400
when I woke up that morning.
623
00:28:16,640 --> 00:28:18,999
We're walking in the
woods, whole family,
624
00:28:19,000 --> 00:28:20,919
and we come out to
this big open field.
625
00:28:20,920 --> 00:28:22,839
Amateur dog show going
on, out of nowhere.
626
00:28:22,840 --> 00:28:25,439
I didn't know that
was going to happen.
627
00:28:25,440 --> 00:28:28,319
People sitting on picnic
blankets watching it.
628
00:28:28,320 --> 00:28:31,679
As soon as I sat
down in the grass,
629
00:28:31,680 --> 00:28:35,359
all I wanted to do for the
rest of my natural-born life
630
00:28:35,360 --> 00:28:39,239
was enter and win
amateur dog shows.
631
00:28:39,240 --> 00:28:40,919
Deep within my heart,
it's all I wanted to do.
632
00:28:40,920 --> 00:28:42,679
Now, I did have a dog
with me at the time,
633
00:28:42,680 --> 00:28:46,279
but she was not what I would
refer to as competition-ready.
634
00:28:46,280 --> 00:28:48,039
[laughter]
635
00:28:48,040 --> 00:28:50,079
It's a miniature sausage
dog, very much the runt
636
00:28:50,080 --> 00:28:51,479
of the litter as well.
637
00:28:51,480 --> 00:28:53,439
When we originally got her
from this lady's house,
638
00:28:53,440 --> 00:28:55,479
there was loads of healthy
miniature sausage dog puppies
639
00:28:55,480 --> 00:28:56,799
running around.
640
00:28:56,800 --> 00:28:58,599
And then there was one that was
more miniature than the rest
641
00:28:58,600 --> 00:29:00,439
of them, had a curved spine,
a tail that went directly
642
00:29:00,440 --> 00:29:06,159
upwards like a dodgem, and ears
that came out like handlebars.
643
00:29:06,160 --> 00:29:07,959
And we all agreed,
as a family, we
644
00:29:07,960 --> 00:29:09,359
had to take that
one home with us,
645
00:29:09,360 --> 00:29:12,279
or we'd worry about her
for the rest of our lives.
646
00:29:12,280 --> 00:29:14,439
[laughter]
647
00:29:14,440 --> 00:29:17,639
Now, for years my dad had been
saying no to getting a dog,
648
00:29:17,640 --> 00:29:19,039
but we'd worn him down.
649
00:29:19,040 --> 00:29:21,039
He'd gone, OK,
fine, you can have
650
00:29:21,040 --> 00:29:23,399
a dog, under one condition.
651
00:29:23,400 --> 00:29:25,159
I'm the oldest of three.
We're primary school kids.
652
00:29:25,160 --> 00:29:26,519
We think this
condition is going
653
00:29:26,520 --> 00:29:28,079
to involve learning
some responsibility,
654
00:29:28,080 --> 00:29:29,519
something like that.
655
00:29:29,520 --> 00:29:31,439
We've got to tidy up after
it, feed it every day.
656
00:29:31,440 --> 00:29:36,599
Instead, this 40-year-old
man goes, OK, you can have
657
00:29:36,600 --> 00:29:38,999
a dog under one condition--
658
00:29:39,000 --> 00:29:40,439
I get to name it.
659
00:29:40,440 --> 00:29:43,320
[laughter]
660
00:29:44,280 --> 00:29:45,919
You know when you
realize your parents
661
00:29:45,920 --> 00:29:48,159
are just little kids as well?
662
00:29:48,160 --> 00:29:49,799
He just wanted to name a doggy.
That's adorable.
663
00:29:49,800 --> 00:29:51,839
And he named it what a little
kid would have named it.
664
00:29:51,840 --> 00:29:55,799
He named a miniature
sausage dog Minney.
665
00:29:55,800 --> 00:29:57,279
That's cute, but I
don't think he needed
666
00:29:57,280 --> 00:29:59,079
to grab the wheel on this one.
667
00:29:59,080 --> 00:30:00,479
We're three primary
school kids.
668
00:30:00,480 --> 00:30:02,959
Our first three suggestions
were Mini, Sausage, and Dog.
669
00:30:02,960 --> 00:30:05,319
You don't need to get
involved in this, David.
670
00:30:05,320 --> 00:30:06,480
Stand easy.
671
00:30:09,240 --> 00:30:11,559
And he could tell we
weren't impressed.
672
00:30:11,560 --> 00:30:16,999
And he goes, well, it's
not spelt how you think.
673
00:30:17,000 --> 00:30:19,839
[laughter]
674
00:30:19,840 --> 00:30:23,919
How's it spelt, then, champ?
675
00:30:23,920 --> 00:30:27,760
M-I-N-N-E-Y.
676
00:30:31,400 --> 00:30:33,480
[laughter]
677
00:30:34,480 --> 00:30:37,039
And my mum asked him why
it was spelt that way.
678
00:30:37,040 --> 00:30:40,319
And at the time he was a
secondary school teacher.
679
00:30:40,320 --> 00:30:43,119
He goes, oh, because 10
years ago I taught this boy,
680
00:30:43,120 --> 00:30:45,079
and his name was
Stephen Minney.
681
00:30:45,080 --> 00:30:48,479
And that's how his
name was spelt.
682
00:30:48,480 --> 00:30:51,519
[laughter]
683
00:30:51,520 --> 00:30:54,519
I remember being confused
but angry at the same time.
684
00:30:54,520 --> 00:30:56,199
I wasn't thinking any
of the darker thoughts
685
00:30:56,200 --> 00:30:57,599
that some of you are
currently thinking.
686
00:30:57,600 --> 00:30:59,919
I mean, the Prince
Andrew hecklers put
687
00:30:59,920 --> 00:31:02,559
certain things in your head.
688
00:31:02,560 --> 00:31:04,879
Don't get me--I'm sure as
soon as we left the room,
689
00:31:04,880 --> 00:31:06,199
my mum was like,
right, who's this boy
690
00:31:06,200 --> 00:31:07,599
and why does he
mean so much to you?
691
00:31:07,600 --> 00:31:10,919
That--that conversation
was definitely had.
692
00:31:10,920 --> 00:31:13,439
But we were just like,
our dad's weird, isn't he?
693
00:31:13,440 --> 00:31:14,759
We got a weird dad.
694
00:31:14,760 --> 00:31:16,720
[laughter]
695
00:31:17,840 --> 00:31:18,799
But here's the thing.
696
00:31:18,800 --> 00:31:20,039
I'm 39 now.
697
00:31:20,040 --> 00:31:22,159
I'm almost as old
as he was, and I'm
698
00:31:22,160 --> 00:31:25,719
concerned I'm turning into
him, because now I agree
699
00:31:25,720 --> 00:31:27,679
with him that that's funny.
700
00:31:27,680 --> 00:31:31,319
I think it's objectively
funny, face-value funny,
701
00:31:31,320 --> 00:31:33,359
if your kids want
a dog, to name
702
00:31:33,360 --> 00:31:37,279
that dog after some completely
different kid who they've
703
00:31:37,280 --> 00:31:38,759
never met in their
lives, they've
704
00:31:38,760 --> 00:31:40,719
got no frame of reference for.
705
00:31:40,720 --> 00:31:42,359
And as a result
of him doing that,
706
00:31:42,360 --> 00:31:46,679
every day of that dog's life,
I thought about Stephen Minney.
707
00:31:46,680 --> 00:31:48,319
[laughter]
708
00:31:48,320 --> 00:31:50,559
Me, my brother, and sister
would talk about Stephen Minney
709
00:31:50,560 --> 00:31:53,919
all the time, long
conversations speculating what
710
00:31:53,920 --> 00:31:56,399
he might be up to as an adult.
711
00:31:56,400 --> 00:31:58,679
Do you think Stephen Minney
still lives in the borough?
712
00:31:58,680 --> 00:32:01,280
How do you think Stephen
Minney earns a crust?
713
00:32:04,640 --> 00:32:06,759
I found out what happened
to Stephen Minney
714
00:32:06,760 --> 00:32:08,919
when I was 10 years old.
715
00:32:08,920 --> 00:32:11,399
I'd joined the Cub
Scouts, and twist
716
00:32:11,400 --> 00:32:16,719
of all twists, Stephen Minney
was my Cub Scout leader.
717
00:32:16,720 --> 00:32:18,199
It's pure coincidence.
718
00:32:18,200 --> 00:32:20,559
I know that Kettering is a
small town, but that's wild.
719
00:32:20,560 --> 00:32:21,879
But here's the thing.
720
00:32:21,880 --> 00:32:25,959
I didn't know that Stephen
Minney was my Cub Scout leader,
721
00:32:25,960 --> 00:32:27,359
because--and if you've
ever been involved
722
00:32:27,360 --> 00:32:29,159
in Cub Scouts you'll
already know this,
723
00:32:29,160 --> 00:32:34,079
but Cub Scout leaders don't
go by their actual names.
724
00:32:34,080 --> 00:32:36,999
Instead, they call themselves--
and if you've not ever
725
00:32:37,000 --> 00:32:39,159
been involved in Cub
Scouts, heads up,
726
00:32:39,160 --> 00:32:41,439
this will sound bananas--
727
00:32:41,440 --> 00:32:43,519
they call themselves
names of characters
728
00:32:43,520 --> 00:32:45,360
from "The Jungle Book."
729
00:32:47,960 --> 00:32:49,919
I'm just going to let
you get used to living
730
00:32:49,920 --> 00:32:50,999
in a world where that's true.
731
00:32:51,000 --> 00:32:53,520
[laughter]
732
00:32:54,120 --> 00:32:55,359
It's a true story.
733
00:32:55,360 --> 00:32:57,119
They call themselves,
like, Bagheera, Akela.
734
00:32:57,120 --> 00:32:59,519
You know, better names for
dogs than Stephen Minney.
735
00:32:59,520 --> 00:33:00,799
That's what they
all call themselves.
736
00:33:00,800 --> 00:33:03,440
[laughter]
737
00:33:05,400 --> 00:33:07,159
And then they made us
call them that as well.
738
00:33:07,160 --> 00:33:09,399
As a little kid, I had to go up
and, like, look at a grown man
739
00:33:09,400 --> 00:33:12,239
and be like, hello, Baloo,
how was your weekend?
740
00:33:12,240 --> 00:33:13,839
Like, yeah, good, thank you.
741
00:33:13,840 --> 00:33:15,439
Now do this Illuminati
sign with your hands
742
00:33:15,440 --> 00:33:17,479
and tell me how much
you love the Queen.
743
00:33:17,480 --> 00:33:20,360
[laughter]
744
00:33:21,320 --> 00:33:23,999
I promise to do my best--
745
00:33:24,000 --> 00:33:26,119
to do my--that's what
they--they made me
746
00:33:26,120 --> 00:33:27,359
recite that as a 10-year-old.
747
00:33:27,360 --> 00:33:30,039
Every week, I had
to say, I promise
748
00:33:30,040 --> 00:33:34,519
to do my best,
to do my duty to God
749
00:33:34,520 --> 00:33:37,479
and to the Queen.
750
00:33:37,480 --> 00:33:39,239
And if I didn't say
it, I was not permitted
751
00:33:39,240 --> 00:33:40,999
to play with a foam football.
752
00:33:41,000 --> 00:33:43,760
[laughter]
753
00:33:47,840 --> 00:33:49,320
[shouting] I had no idea--
754
00:33:53,440 --> 00:33:55,479
That Shere Khan was
Stephen Minney--
755
00:33:55,480 --> 00:33:58,760
[laughter]
756
00:34:04,600 --> 00:34:08,159
Until one day, my dad came to
pick me up from Cub Scouts,
757
00:34:08,160 --> 00:34:11,480
and he starts chatting
to Shere Khan.
758
00:34:14,840 --> 00:34:16,079
I'm in the car.
759
00:34:16,080 --> 00:34:17,639
I'm waiting for them to
wrap it up in the corridor.
760
00:34:17,640 --> 00:34:19,239
Half an hour I'm
waiting for them.
761
00:34:19,240 --> 00:34:20,879
All the other Cub
Scouts had gone home,
762
00:34:20,880 --> 00:34:22,639
all the other Cub Scout
leaders, King Louis
763
00:34:22,640 --> 00:34:24,039
and that lot, they'd gone.
764
00:34:24,040 --> 00:34:26,280
[laughter]
765
00:34:29,520 --> 00:34:32,319
When my dad's driving
me home later,
766
00:34:32,320 --> 00:34:35,159
he goes, do you know
who that was, who
767
00:34:35,160 --> 00:34:36,520
I was chatting to back there?
768
00:34:39,000 --> 00:34:40,519
Yeah, Dad.
769
00:34:40,520 --> 00:34:41,479
His name's Shere Khan.
770
00:34:41,480 --> 00:34:43,279
I see him every week.
771
00:34:43,280 --> 00:34:45,160
I know him better than you do.
772
00:34:48,480 --> 00:34:49,599
No.
773
00:34:49,600 --> 00:34:53,159
That was Stephen Minney.
774
00:34:53,160 --> 00:34:54,639
[sputters] The Stephen Minney?
775
00:34:54,640 --> 00:34:56,039
Are you joking?
776
00:34:56,040 --> 00:34:58,159
That's not funny if
you've made that up, Dad.
777
00:34:58,160 --> 00:35:00,559
That's the man we named the
sausage dog after back there?
778
00:35:00,560 --> 00:35:02,039
Are you for serious?
779
00:35:02,040 --> 00:35:04,040
Are you for serious right now?
780
00:35:07,720 --> 00:35:09,199
Yep.
781
00:35:09,200 --> 00:35:14,359
That's the Stephen Minney, who
we named the sausage dog after.
782
00:35:14,360 --> 00:35:17,399
And what he didn't
then tell me was,
783
00:35:17,400 --> 00:35:20,479
obviously, don't tell
Stephen Minney that.
784
00:35:20,480 --> 00:35:23,640
[laughter]
785
00:35:29,000 --> 00:35:30,439
Because grown-ups
don't get as excited
786
00:35:30,440 --> 00:35:35,759
as children when random
people name dogs after them.
787
00:35:35,760 --> 00:35:37,639
I was buzzing all week.
788
00:35:37,640 --> 00:35:40,519
I couldn't wait to see Stephen
Minney on Tuesday night.
789
00:35:40,520 --> 00:35:42,399
I'm rubbing it in my
brother and sister's faces.
790
00:35:42,400 --> 00:35:44,119
Yeah, he goes by
Shere Khan these days.
791
00:35:44,120 --> 00:35:45,559
I know him pretty well.
792
00:35:45,560 --> 00:35:48,520
[laughter]
793
00:35:49,640 --> 00:35:50,959
Tuesday night rolls around.
794
00:35:50,960 --> 00:35:52,519
I'm straight in that
scout hut, ignoring
795
00:35:52,520 --> 00:35:55,199
all my other mates saying hello
to me, straight up to him.
796
00:35:55,200 --> 00:35:57,559
Your name is Stephen Minney.
797
00:35:57,560 --> 00:36:00,039
M-I-N-N-E-Y.
798
00:36:00,040 --> 00:36:01,999
We named our
sausage dog after you,
799
00:36:02,000 --> 00:36:03,479
Stephen Minney.
800
00:36:03,480 --> 00:36:04,919
She's a little runt.
801
00:36:04,920 --> 00:36:08,000
[laughter]
802
00:36:11,120 --> 00:36:12,759
My father has never
forgotten you.
803
00:36:12,760 --> 00:36:15,719
[laughter]
804
00:36:15,720 --> 00:36:20,039
No, when we wanted a dog, he
said, under one condition only.
805
00:36:20,040 --> 00:36:21,959
You must name it after
Stephen Minney, the boy
806
00:36:21,960 --> 00:36:23,439
that I taught 10 years ago.
807
00:36:23,440 --> 00:36:24,479
M-I-N-N-E-Y.
808
00:36:24,480 --> 00:36:27,440
[laughter]
809
00:36:33,720 --> 00:36:35,279
I think about you every day.
810
00:36:35,280 --> 00:36:38,320
[laughter]
811
00:36:40,240 --> 00:36:41,679
My sister likes
to think you found
812
00:36:41,680 --> 00:36:44,919
love in the arms of another.
813
00:36:44,920 --> 00:36:46,079
[drumming]
814
00:36:46,080 --> 00:36:48,319
Sat in the grass and
watching the dog show.
815
00:36:48,320 --> 00:36:51,000
[laughter]
816
00:36:53,960 --> 00:36:58,399
And Stephen Minney, the sausage
dog, is right here next to me.
817
00:36:58,400 --> 00:37:02,559
I say to my parents, Mum, Dad,
can I enter Stephen Minney
818
00:37:02,560 --> 00:37:03,799
into the dog show, please?
819
00:37:03,800 --> 00:37:05,599
I'd like to.
820
00:37:05,600 --> 00:37:09,199
And they said yes, because
it was free to enter,
821
00:37:09,200 --> 00:37:10,639
and they did not care.
822
00:37:10,640 --> 00:37:13,400
[laughter]
823
00:37:14,440 --> 00:37:17,279
I remember going up to the
sign-up sheet on this desk,
824
00:37:17,280 --> 00:37:19,919
and most of the categories
were based on appearance.
825
00:37:19,920 --> 00:37:22,759
Now, this dog is
beautiful to us,
826
00:37:22,760 --> 00:37:26,359
but I knew these industry
heads weren't going to get it.
827
00:37:26,360 --> 00:37:28,559
So I found a more
whimsical category,
828
00:37:28,560 --> 00:37:31,159
Dog with the Waggiest Tail.
829
00:37:31,160 --> 00:37:33,199
Stephen Minney's always
wagging her tail at home.
830
00:37:33,200 --> 00:37:36,039
10 to the dozen, we've
definitely got this in the bag.
831
00:37:36,040 --> 00:37:38,199
This is another one of those
stories, let's face it,
832
00:37:38,200 --> 00:37:39,239
I don't have to end this story.
833
00:37:39,240 --> 00:37:40,839
You know how this story ends.
834
00:37:40,840 --> 00:37:42,879
You know that it doesn't
end with the phrase,
835
00:37:42,880 --> 00:37:44,279
and then we won the dog show.
836
00:37:44,280 --> 00:37:45,719
[laughter]
837
00:37:45,720 --> 00:37:47,159
You know what happens next.
838
00:37:47,160 --> 00:37:48,599
There's four adults onstage
with their dogs
839
00:37:48,600 --> 00:37:50,279
going absolutely haywire.
840
00:37:50,280 --> 00:37:54,759
Then I'm stood there with what
may as well be a taxidermy dog,
841
00:37:54,760 --> 00:37:57,759
giving me precious little,
while grown-ups on picnic
842
00:37:57,760 --> 00:38:01,479
blankets point me out to their
mates and laugh with abandon,
843
00:38:01,480 --> 00:38:03,239
just properly going for it.
844
00:38:03,240 --> 00:38:05,199
Then did what by
now was my calling
845
00:38:05,200 --> 00:38:07,679
card--burst into tears.
846
00:38:07,680 --> 00:38:09,239
It's what I was known for.
847
00:38:09,240 --> 00:38:10,639
You've got to give the
people what they want.
848
00:38:10,640 --> 00:38:12,639
You think McCartney
doesn't do "Blackbird?"
849
00:38:12,640 --> 00:38:14,999
Come on.
850
00:38:15,000 --> 00:38:17,879
I was always bursting
into tears, man.
851
00:38:17,880 --> 00:38:19,279
I burst into tears at
the spinning wheel.
852
00:38:19,280 --> 00:38:21,639
I burst into tears
at the dog show.
853
00:38:21,640 --> 00:38:25,639
I burst into tears when I
found out Jesus were dead.
854
00:38:25,640 --> 00:38:27,319
[laughter]
855
00:38:27,320 --> 00:38:29,640
The big three, as it's
known in my house.
856
00:38:35,480 --> 00:38:37,639
Finding out Jesus were
dead still to this day
857
00:38:37,640 --> 00:38:40,079
is the most I've ever cried.
858
00:38:40,080 --> 00:38:41,399
It was--it was--
859
00:38:41,400 --> 00:38:43,199
it was ugly, man.
860
00:38:43,200 --> 00:38:44,839
I found out when I was four.
861
00:38:44,840 --> 00:38:46,439
I'd been raised
Christian since day one,
862
00:38:46,440 --> 00:38:50,199
but no one had told
me the twist yet.
863
00:38:50,200 --> 00:38:51,559
All I knew was
that I had a best
864
00:38:51,560 --> 00:38:52,919
friend who loved me very much.
865
00:38:52,920 --> 00:38:54,799
Life was pretty sweet
for James Acaster.
866
00:38:54,800 --> 00:38:57,519
[laughter]
867
00:38:57,520 --> 00:39:02,959
Four years old, I rock up
to church on Easter Sunday.
868
00:39:02,960 --> 00:39:04,239
I'm excited, man.
869
00:39:04,240 --> 00:39:05,559
This is where I do
all my socializing.
870
00:39:05,560 --> 00:39:06,999
I haven't been to school yet.
871
00:39:07,000 --> 00:39:09,320
I still think it's
cool to be Christian.
872
00:39:11,200 --> 00:39:12,799
I'm turning up at
the cool church
873
00:39:12,800 --> 00:39:16,199
where all the cool
kids hang out.
874
00:39:16,200 --> 00:39:19,719
Easter Sunday, and everyone's
celebrating more than usual.
875
00:39:19,720 --> 00:39:21,039
The place is jumping.
876
00:39:21,040 --> 00:39:22,679
I'm like, praise be.
877
00:39:22,680 --> 00:39:25,559
This is why we come to church.
878
00:39:25,560 --> 00:39:26,919
What are we celebrating?
879
00:39:26,920 --> 00:39:29,879
Something awesome, by
the looks of things.
880
00:39:29,880 --> 00:39:32,159
Every song that the rock
band played--because it
881
00:39:32,160 --> 00:39:33,919
was that sort of church--
882
00:39:33,920 --> 00:39:36,079
every song this rock
band played went--
883
00:39:36,080 --> 00:39:38,959
went like, something along
the lines of, he's dead.
884
00:39:38,960 --> 00:39:41,159
[imitates guitar]
885
00:39:41,160 --> 00:39:42,959
He died.
886
00:39:42,960 --> 00:39:46,640
[laughter]
887
00:39:48,440 --> 00:39:51,319
I'm sat there, four
years old, just
888
00:39:51,320 --> 00:39:55,879
like, they better not
be talking about who
889
00:39:55,880 --> 00:39:58,519
I think they're talking about.
890
00:39:58,520 --> 00:40:03,279
In my memory, my tears
came out horizontally.
891
00:40:03,280 --> 00:40:05,999
Like, propelled me backwards
out of the congregation,
892
00:40:06,000 --> 00:40:08,359
like "Everything
Everywhere All at Once."
893
00:40:08,360 --> 00:40:11,119
Oh, that was--that was dicey.
894
00:40:11,120 --> 00:40:14,319
I've never done that move
with a mic lead before.
895
00:40:14,320 --> 00:40:15,359
I felt it.
896
00:40:15,360 --> 00:40:17,159
I was like, oh,
Jesus, save me now.
897
00:40:17,160 --> 00:40:19,119
Suddenly I'm back on side.
898
00:40:19,120 --> 00:40:20,599
I'm back on side.
899
00:40:20,600 --> 00:40:22,839
If you're there, I'm sorry
I did this routine all tour.
900
00:40:22,840 --> 00:40:25,199
Please save me.
901
00:40:25,200 --> 00:40:27,759
I remember hitting the back
wall and dropping to my knees,
902
00:40:27,760 --> 00:40:32,359
just crying, just convulsing on
the floor, just crying so hard.
903
00:40:32,360 --> 00:40:35,759
And then some fucking
old man walked past me.
904
00:40:35,760 --> 00:40:37,319
He's like, oh,
James, are you OK?
905
00:40:37,320 --> 00:40:39,639
Why are you crying, mate?
906
00:40:39,640 --> 00:40:42,319
[shouting] Jesus is dead!
907
00:40:42,320 --> 00:40:45,280
[fake sobbing]
908
00:40:46,080 --> 00:40:47,599
Oh, Jesus--
- Spoilers!
909
00:40:47,600 --> 00:40:48,639
- Jesus died.
Huh?
910
00:40:48,640 --> 00:40:49,839
Spoilers?
911
00:40:49,840 --> 00:40:51,679
[laughter]
912
00:40:51,680 --> 00:40:54,639
Well, you won't believe what
happens next in the story.
913
00:40:54,640 --> 00:40:57,640
[laughter]
914
00:41:00,560 --> 00:41:02,039
Don't want to spoil
anything for you,
915
00:41:02,040 --> 00:41:03,839
but I think it's based
on the "Matrix" trilogy.
916
00:41:03,840 --> 00:41:05,479
[laughter]
917
00:41:05,480 --> 00:41:08,400
I mean, they got the idea
from the "Matrix" trilogy.
918
00:41:11,520 --> 00:41:13,559
Spoilers.
919
00:41:13,560 --> 00:41:15,679
I wish he had said spoilers.
920
00:41:15,680 --> 00:41:17,079
He didn't.
921
00:41:17,080 --> 00:41:22,359
Instead, he said, oh, don't
worry, he died for you.
922
00:41:22,360 --> 00:41:25,800
[laughter]
923
00:41:30,280 --> 00:41:32,079
Sorry, uh, how am
I involved in this?
924
00:41:32,080 --> 00:41:34,719
What are you talking about?
925
00:41:34,720 --> 00:41:35,679
Why did he die for me?
926
00:41:35,680 --> 00:41:37,319
Why did Jesus die?
927
00:41:37,320 --> 00:41:39,879
Oh, just because of all the
bad things you've ever thought,
928
00:41:39,880 --> 00:41:41,479
said, and done.
929
00:41:41,480 --> 00:41:45,919
Yep, that's why they
publicly executed him.
930
00:41:45,920 --> 00:41:47,239
Do you know what
the crucifixion is?
931
00:41:47,240 --> 00:41:48,519
I'll explain it to you, James.
932
00:41:48,520 --> 00:41:53,559
You're four years
old, and not my child.
933
00:41:53,560 --> 00:41:57,599
I'll explain to you, in
Mel Gibson-level detail,
934
00:41:57,600 --> 00:42:00,599
what being crucified is like.
935
00:42:00,600 --> 00:42:02,040
Happy Easter.
936
00:42:04,320 --> 00:42:06,319
So, look, if you're
watching this show,
937
00:42:06,320 --> 00:42:08,519
and you're thinking a lot
of these stories seem very
938
00:42:08,520 --> 00:42:12,479
low-stakes, I don't get why
this grown man has attached
939
00:42:12,480 --> 00:42:14,599
so much guilt and
shame onto a bunch
940
00:42:14,600 --> 00:42:16,039
of essentially trivial tales--
941
00:42:16,040 --> 00:42:18,119
please bear in mind
that when I was four,
942
00:42:18,120 --> 00:42:20,639
I got my best friend
killed by the Romans.
943
00:42:20,640 --> 00:42:24,160
[laughter]
944
00:42:26,840 --> 00:42:28,400
[drumming]
945
00:42:29,240 --> 00:42:31,599
I'll tell a quick positive
story about that church
946
00:42:31,600 --> 00:42:33,399
for any Chrizzos that are in.
947
00:42:33,400 --> 00:42:36,199
In that church, when
I was seven years old,
948
00:42:36,200 --> 00:42:39,559
that church is where I did
my actual first-ever gig,
949
00:42:39,560 --> 00:42:42,039
my first-ever performance in
front of an audience proper.
950
00:42:42,040 --> 00:42:43,959
It was a comedy
sketch, surprise,
951
00:42:43,960 --> 00:42:46,999
surprise, me and my dad.
952
00:42:47,000 --> 00:42:49,239
My dad wrote it, and
no way around this,
953
00:42:49,240 --> 00:42:51,039
cast himself in
the role of God.
954
00:42:51,040 --> 00:42:53,279
[laughter]
955
00:42:53,280 --> 00:42:55,719
Fun fact, that's the only thing
I've ever told my therapist
956
00:42:55,720 --> 00:42:57,519
that made him laugh out loud.
957
00:42:57,520 --> 00:43:00,040
[laughter]
958
00:43:02,360 --> 00:43:05,799
When I told my therapist about
that dog show, he did not say--
959
00:43:05,800 --> 00:43:07,119
and I want to make
this clear, that he's
960
00:43:07,120 --> 00:43:09,599
a very good therapist--
he did not say,
961
00:43:09,600 --> 00:43:11,359
well, James, what you
got to bear in mind
962
00:43:11,360 --> 00:43:14,039
is, every time you're onstage
in front of an audience,
963
00:43:14,040 --> 00:43:16,639
it's not just you up there.
964
00:43:16,640 --> 00:43:20,279
You've got a little sausage
dog up there as well.
965
00:43:20,280 --> 00:43:22,039
He didn't say that,
but I'm pretty
966
00:43:22,040 --> 00:43:24,439
sure that is how I feel every
single night, regardless.
967
00:43:24,440 --> 00:43:26,439
I think every time I'm
up here, I'm protecting
968
00:43:26,440 --> 00:43:27,799
a boy the whole time.
969
00:43:27,800 --> 00:43:29,999
And then right here, there's
a little sausage dog just
970
00:43:30,000 --> 00:43:32,719
giving me absolutely nothing.
971
00:43:32,720 --> 00:43:34,959
And when I have a go at
you lot for not laughing,
972
00:43:34,960 --> 00:43:37,599
really what I'm saying is,
wag your tail, Stephen
973
00:43:37,600 --> 00:43:39,439
Minney, please!
974
00:43:39,440 --> 00:43:41,399
Please wag your
tail, Stephen Minney!
975
00:43:41,400 --> 00:43:42,839
We look silly.
976
00:43:42,840 --> 00:43:46,399
We look silly, Stephen Minney.
977
00:43:46,400 --> 00:43:48,639
Stephen Minney,
we look so silly.
978
00:43:48,640 --> 00:43:50,439
[drumming]
979
00:43:50,440 --> 00:43:56,039
That's when I'm most ashamed
after gigs, over the years,
980
00:43:56,040 --> 00:43:59,399
whenever I've had
a go at an audience
981
00:43:59,400 --> 00:44:01,279
for not laughing at me enough.
982
00:44:01,280 --> 00:44:04,719
It's cringe, the amount
of times I've done it.
983
00:44:04,720 --> 00:44:06,440
It's--it's embarrassing, man.
984
00:44:08,440 --> 00:44:12,479
Worst time I've ever bollocked
an audience for being too quiet
985
00:44:12,480 --> 00:44:16,239
was when I was booked to
read a Roald Dahl story
986
00:44:16,240 --> 00:44:17,799
to some preschool children.
987
00:44:17,800 --> 00:44:20,400
[laughter]
988
00:44:23,560 --> 00:44:28,279
And there's a number of reasons
for why what happened happened.
989
00:44:28,280 --> 00:44:29,439
It's 2018.
990
00:44:29,440 --> 00:44:30,599
I've been booked to read
"George's Marvelous Medicine"
991
00:44:30,600 --> 00:44:33,439
to these kids,
and that book changed my life.
992
00:44:33,440 --> 00:44:35,519
When I was a little kid,
my mum read me
993
00:44:35,520 --> 00:44:36,919
"George's Marvelous Medicine"
for the first time.
994
00:44:36,920 --> 00:44:38,399
It was my introduction
to comedy.
995
00:44:38,400 --> 00:44:39,959
I didn't know the world
could be funny before that.
996
00:44:39,960 --> 00:44:41,159
You'll remember
whatever your thing
997
00:44:41,160 --> 00:44:43,839
was that made you love comedy.
998
00:44:43,840 --> 00:44:46,039
It was that book.
I was laughing so hard.
999
00:44:46,040 --> 00:44:48,279
I didn't know this
feeling existed.
1000
00:44:48,280 --> 00:44:51,919
So in 2018, when I'm on
my way to Roald Dahl Day,
1001
00:44:51,920 --> 00:44:53,959
I do have the rather
unrealistic expectations
1002
00:44:53,960 --> 00:44:57,239
in my head of, well, I presume
I'm going to change these kids'
1003
00:44:57,240 --> 00:44:59,879
lives today, which
looking back is
1004
00:44:59,880 --> 00:45:04,079
100% how that yoga instructor
felt on his way to my school.
1005
00:45:04,080 --> 00:45:07,799
So I deserve everything
that I get in this story.
1006
00:45:07,800 --> 00:45:12,159
Secondly, it was a very special
day, September the 18th,
1007
00:45:12,160 --> 00:45:14,879
which is the official Roald
Dahl Day, if you're wondering.
1008
00:45:14,880 --> 00:45:17,599
I know most of you know that.
1009
00:45:17,600 --> 00:45:20,679
And they had booked out
Cardiff Castle for the day.
1010
00:45:20,680 --> 00:45:22,039
Every single room
of the castle,
1011
00:45:22,040 --> 00:45:23,559
there was going to
be a different person
1012
00:45:23,560 --> 00:45:26,359
reading a different Roald
Dahl book to the kids.
1013
00:45:26,360 --> 00:45:27,359
Sounds nice.
1014
00:45:27,360 --> 00:45:29,239
But in practice
what it meant was
1015
00:45:29,240 --> 00:45:32,159
I'm stood there in a turret,
reading
1016
00:45:32,160 --> 00:45:35,039
"George's Marvelous Medicine"
to abject silence.
1017
00:45:35,040 --> 00:45:36,479
And all I can hear
the whole time
1018
00:45:36,480 --> 00:45:38,719
is Floella Benjamin
having a much better gig
1019
00:45:38,720 --> 00:45:41,679
in the banquet hall beneath
me, just knocking out
1020
00:45:41,680 --> 00:45:42,999
"Charlie and the
Chocolate Factory"
1021
00:45:43,000 --> 00:45:45,159
to rolling laughter
and applause.
1022
00:45:45,160 --> 00:45:46,639
I'm on a stool.
1023
00:45:46,640 --> 00:45:48,319
There's, like, 35 kids sat
on the floor in front of me.
1024
00:45:48,320 --> 00:45:50,119
If you've been paying
attention to the show,
1025
00:45:50,120 --> 00:45:52,400
I shouldn't have to tell you
why that's triggering for me.
1026
00:45:55,280 --> 00:45:58,079
I'm selling the heck
out of this book.
1027
00:45:58,080 --> 00:46:00,119
And then George fed his
grandmother the medicine,
1028
00:46:00,120 --> 00:46:05,079
and she grew so tall she
smashed through the ceiling!
1029
00:46:05,080 --> 00:46:07,199
All of them just--
1030
00:46:07,200 --> 00:46:10,919
just sausage-dogging
it the whole time.
1031
00:46:10,920 --> 00:46:12,359
All I can hear is--
1032
00:46:12,360 --> 00:46:14,839
♪ What do you get when
you guzzle down sweets? ♪
1033
00:46:14,840 --> 00:46:16,399
From down there.
1034
00:46:16,400 --> 00:46:19,600
[laughter]
1035
00:46:23,360 --> 00:46:26,000
But the moment
when I snapped--
1036
00:46:29,840 --> 00:46:31,239
When I had to do
an impression--
1037
00:46:31,240 --> 00:46:33,400
and I don't know if that's got
anything to do with it--
1038
00:46:35,960 --> 00:46:37,359
Of the grandmother.
1039
00:46:37,360 --> 00:46:39,559
Now, if you need a refresher on
"George's Marvelous Medicine,"
1040
00:46:39,560 --> 00:46:40,959
she's had the medicine.
1041
00:46:40,960 --> 00:46:42,639
She grew so tall, she
smashed through the ceiling.
1042
00:46:42,640 --> 00:46:44,279
Now she's carried on going, and
she smashed through the roof,
1043
00:46:44,280 --> 00:46:45,959
and now she's, like,
stuck in the roof,
1044
00:46:45,960 --> 00:46:49,279
which, I don't want to be
a dick, but that's funny.
1045
00:46:49,280 --> 00:46:51,759
I know not everyone's been
merked by their grandmother
1046
00:46:51,760 --> 00:46:53,359
like I have, but
that is funny when
1047
00:46:53,360 --> 00:46:54,759
that happens to an old person.
1048
00:46:54,760 --> 00:46:57,799
That is funny,
stuck in the roof.
1049
00:46:57,800 --> 00:46:59,879
- Would you like a
heckle from up here?
1050
00:46:59,880 --> 00:47:01,239
- Would I like
one from up there?
1051
00:47:01,240 --> 00:47:02,919
I tell you what, I
would like the most
1052
00:47:02,920 --> 00:47:05,239
polite person in the world
to do it, absolutely.
1053
00:47:05,240 --> 00:47:08,960
[laughter and applause]
1054
00:47:12,760 --> 00:47:14,719
I would love a
heckle from up there.
1055
00:47:14,720 --> 00:47:15,919
What's your name?
1056
00:47:15,920 --> 00:47:17,599
- Uh, Stuart.
- Stuart.
1057
00:47:17,600 --> 00:47:18,919
Hello, Stuart.
1058
00:47:18,920 --> 00:47:21,519
That's a lovely--very
nice formal introduction
1059
00:47:21,520 --> 00:47:23,879
to the heckle.
1060
00:47:23,880 --> 00:47:25,159
I love it so much.
1061
00:47:25,160 --> 00:47:27,159
Go for it, Stuart.
Do your heckle.
1062
00:47:27,160 --> 00:47:28,759
- I need a bit
of time to think.
1063
00:47:28,760 --> 00:47:30,599
- Oh, absolutely, yes.
1064
00:47:30,600 --> 00:47:32,239
[laughter]
1065
00:47:32,240 --> 00:47:33,479
I appreciate that, yes.
1066
00:47:33,480 --> 00:47:36,279
You should think
about it for a bit.
1067
00:47:36,280 --> 00:47:40,759
Um--
1068
00:47:40,760 --> 00:47:44,319
that
1069
00:47:44,320 --> 00:47:48,279
is a fully rounded persona.
1070
00:47:48,280 --> 00:47:50,759
We can't all see him, but we
all know what he looks like.
1071
00:47:50,760 --> 00:47:53,640
[laughter]
1072
00:47:55,200 --> 00:47:57,079
James, would you like
a heckle from up here?
1073
00:47:57,080 --> 00:47:58,519
Instantly funny.
1074
00:47:58,520 --> 00:48:00,519
And it's very hard, just
so you know, to come
1075
00:48:00,520 --> 00:48:02,839
up with a funny opening line.
1076
00:48:02,840 --> 00:48:05,959
That is very difficult.
It was funny.
1077
00:48:05,960 --> 00:48:07,079
It was original.
1078
00:48:07,080 --> 00:48:08,639
It established who he is.
1079
00:48:08,640 --> 00:48:10,159
And then when I
said his name, he
1080
00:48:10,160 --> 00:48:11,679
was like, I'll just go with--
I'm just going to--
1081
00:48:11,680 --> 00:48:13,279
I'm not going to
try and milk it.
1082
00:48:13,280 --> 00:48:14,239
Stuart.
1083
00:48:14,240 --> 00:48:15,479
I know what I've
got up my sleeve.
1084
00:48:15,480 --> 00:48:16,519
What's your heckle?
1085
00:48:16,520 --> 00:48:18,199
Can I have a few minutes
to think about it?
1086
00:48:18,200 --> 00:48:21,120
[laughter]
1087
00:48:22,720 --> 00:48:26,119
That is objectively funny.
1088
00:48:26,120 --> 00:48:27,799
- Would you like a
heckle from down here?
1089
00:48:27,800 --> 00:48:29,239
- Would I like a
heckle from down here?
1090
00:48:29,240 --> 00:48:32,039
You've already got imitators.
1091
00:48:32,040 --> 00:48:33,919
This is how good you are.
1092
00:48:33,920 --> 00:48:35,159
[applause]
1093
00:48:35,160 --> 00:48:39,000
Do you have any idea
how long it takes?
1094
00:48:41,000 --> 00:48:44,319
Most comedians, it
takes us over a decade
1095
00:48:44,320 --> 00:48:46,319
before we start to see
the imitators come out
1096
00:48:46,320 --> 00:48:49,839
of the woodwork, and we
start to see our influence
1097
00:48:49,840 --> 00:48:51,319
on the world of comedy.
1098
00:48:51,320 --> 00:48:57,719
Your first joke ever, and you
got a copycat on the front row.
1099
00:48:57,720 --> 00:48:59,559
[drumming]
1100
00:48:59,560 --> 00:49:01,399
[shrill voice] George--and
this is the grandmother.
1101
00:49:01,400 --> 00:49:02,519
Here we go.
1102
00:49:02,520 --> 00:49:05,360
[laughter]
1103
00:49:08,480 --> 00:49:09,680
This is the grandmother.
1104
00:49:12,640 --> 00:49:15,399
I'm reading to the kids.
1105
00:49:15,400 --> 00:49:17,640
And this is the
moment that I snapped.
1106
00:49:20,080 --> 00:49:25,919
[shrill voice] George,
you putrid little worm!
1107
00:49:25,920 --> 00:49:28,879
You revolting little boy!
1108
00:49:28,880 --> 00:49:31,999
Get me out of
here this instant!
1109
00:49:32,000 --> 00:49:33,919
And then the next words
out my mouth were,
1110
00:49:33,920 --> 00:49:37,439
are you enjoying this or what?
1111
00:49:37,440 --> 00:49:38,959
To preschool children.
1112
00:49:38,960 --> 00:49:41,079
That's how insecure I am.
1113
00:49:41,080 --> 00:49:43,439
What, I thought they were going
to rock up to preschool
1114
00:49:43,440 --> 00:49:44,559
Monday morning--
1115
00:49:44,560 --> 00:49:45,999
hey, what did you do
for Roald Dahl Day?
1116
00:49:46,000 --> 00:49:49,799
Oh, I--I saw that
James Acaster.
1117
00:49:49,800 --> 00:49:51,439
Don't bother.
1118
00:49:51,440 --> 00:49:54,000
[laughter]
1119
00:49:55,760 --> 00:49:57,319
Here's the worst part--
1120
00:49:57,320 --> 00:50:00,199
that was the first of
six groups of children
1121
00:50:00,200 --> 00:50:01,999
I had to read to that day.
1122
00:50:02,000 --> 00:50:06,199
Spoiler alert--had
a go at all of them.
1123
00:50:06,200 --> 00:50:08,799
Final group, I got right
to the end of the chapter
1124
00:50:08,800 --> 00:50:10,319
without making any comments.
1125
00:50:10,320 --> 00:50:12,599
As I'm closing the book, this
far from being home free,
1126
00:50:12,600 --> 00:50:15,159
I looked at one kid on
his own on the front row
1127
00:50:15,160 --> 00:50:18,479
and said, at a talking
volume, silence again.
1128
00:50:18,480 --> 00:50:20,399
Brilliant.
1129
00:50:20,400 --> 00:50:22,879
But that's him for
the rest of his life.
1130
00:50:22,880 --> 00:50:24,319
That's that kid forever.
1131
00:50:24,320 --> 00:50:25,879
He's going to grow
up, become an adult,
1132
00:50:25,880 --> 00:50:27,359
sit down in a comedy show.
1133
00:50:27,360 --> 00:50:29,079
The comedian will tell a joke.
1134
00:50:29,080 --> 00:50:30,519
It won't get very much.
1135
00:50:30,520 --> 00:50:31,959
Oh, no, silence is bad.
1136
00:50:31,960 --> 00:50:34,079
Uh, Kermit!
1137
00:50:34,080 --> 00:50:35,999
Round and round we all go.
1138
00:50:36,000 --> 00:50:37,519
No one ever gets any better.
1139
00:50:37,520 --> 00:50:38,999
No one learns.
1140
00:50:39,000 --> 00:50:42,279
Just passing the
pain around, man.
1141
00:50:42,280 --> 00:50:44,319
Because look, that's
what I've got to remember
1142
00:50:44,320 --> 00:50:46,359
as well, when I'm up here.
1143
00:50:46,360 --> 00:50:50,359
Look, priority number one, I've
got to protect the boy, sure.
1144
00:50:50,360 --> 00:50:52,839
But it would be ignorant of
me if I didn't acknowledge
1145
00:50:52,840 --> 00:50:55,479
the fact that you've
all got your younger
1146
00:50:55,480 --> 00:50:56,639
selves with you as well.
1147
00:50:56,640 --> 00:50:57,759
They're all here.
1148
00:50:57,760 --> 00:50:58,839
They're all sat in your laps.
1149
00:50:58,840 --> 00:50:59,839
Some of you are
protecting them.
1150
00:50:59,840 --> 00:51:01,279
Some of you are not
protecting them.
1151
00:51:01,280 --> 00:51:02,999
That's why every
comedy show you've
1152
00:51:03,000 --> 00:51:05,079
ever been to, emotionally
speaking, is a fucking mess.
1153
00:51:05,080 --> 00:51:08,079
Every gig, I'm a baby
in charge of a creche.
1154
00:51:08,080 --> 00:51:09,079
I'm Tommy Pickles.
1155
00:51:09,080 --> 00:51:11,199
That's all this is.
1156
00:51:11,200 --> 00:51:13,799
I'm Tommy Pickles trying
not to be Angelica,
1157
00:51:13,800 --> 00:51:15,519
every gig I've ever done.
1158
00:51:15,520 --> 00:51:18,279
Because for every kid who
cried at a spinning wheel,
1159
00:51:18,280 --> 00:51:21,159
there are 35 kids who had
to sit there and watch
1160
00:51:21,160 --> 00:51:23,359
a kid cry at a spinning wheel.
1161
00:51:23,360 --> 00:51:25,679
You think that didn't
affect them in some way?
1162
00:51:25,680 --> 00:51:27,679
They're going to grow up,
sit down in an audience,
1163
00:51:27,680 --> 00:51:30,639
and go, why do I immediately
feel nervous for the performer?
1164
00:51:30,640 --> 00:51:31,839
Why is that?
1165
00:51:31,840 --> 00:51:32,959
Oh, I hope he spins good wool--
1166
00:51:32,960 --> 00:51:34,439
I mean, tells good jokes.
1167
00:51:34,440 --> 00:51:35,879
What the hell?
1168
00:51:35,880 --> 00:51:38,919
Did that just come
out of my mouth?
1169
00:51:38,920 --> 00:51:41,880
[drumming]
1170
00:51:42,520 --> 00:51:45,319
And look, all the stories
I've told you tonight
1171
00:51:45,320 --> 00:51:46,919
I've thought about over
and over in my head,
1172
00:51:46,920 --> 00:51:48,319
especially during
the lockdowns.
1173
00:51:48,320 --> 00:51:49,919
I think all of us,
in the lockdowns,
1174
00:51:49,920 --> 00:51:52,799
reflected a lot on our jobs and
our relationship with our work.
1175
00:51:52,800 --> 00:51:54,199
I'm not going to
make out we had
1176
00:51:54,200 --> 00:51:55,439
exactly the same experience.
1177
00:51:55,440 --> 00:51:56,839
I'm loaded to fuck.
1178
00:51:56,840 --> 00:51:59,640
[laughter]
1179
00:52:02,040 --> 00:52:04,560
I think it's important
to acknowledge that.
1180
00:52:07,720 --> 00:52:11,239
No, because listen, I'm sick
and tired of celebrities--
1181
00:52:11,240 --> 00:52:15,079
which I am, and will
be till the day I die--
1182
00:52:15,080 --> 00:52:17,359
being the authority
on lockdowns.
1183
00:52:17,360 --> 00:52:19,119
They're the main
people we've heard
1184
00:52:19,120 --> 00:52:22,039
from about what the lockdowns
were like, is celebrities.
1185
00:52:22,040 --> 00:52:24,039
And sometimes the
worst is when they make
1186
00:52:24,040 --> 00:52:26,079
out they learnt a
profound lesson that
1187
00:52:26,080 --> 00:52:28,439
we could all benefit from.
1188
00:52:28,440 --> 00:52:30,999
Like, oh, yeah, not a
lot of people say this,
1189
00:52:31,000 --> 00:52:33,879
but the lockdowns were
really good for me.
1190
00:52:33,880 --> 00:52:35,359
Before lockdowns,
I was a workaholic.
1191
00:52:35,360 --> 00:52:37,999
I was burning the candle
at both ends, no mistake.
1192
00:52:38,000 --> 00:52:39,599
Then lockdown
came along, and it
1193
00:52:39,600 --> 00:52:43,479
forced me to pump the brakes.
1194
00:52:43,480 --> 00:52:46,279
For the first time in my
life, I'm taking a step back.
1195
00:52:46,280 --> 00:52:47,279
I'm surveying the scene.
1196
00:52:47,280 --> 00:52:50,919
I'm like, come, come, now.
1197
00:52:50,920 --> 00:52:52,519
Is this how I want
to conduct myself?
1198
00:52:52,520 --> 00:52:54,519
Do I want to keep doing this
job, working with these people?
1199
00:52:54,520 --> 00:52:58,759
Is this what I
want for my career?
1200
00:52:58,760 --> 00:53:01,239
So what I'd say to anyone
listening to this is,
1201
00:53:01,240 --> 00:53:05,799
hey, you don't have
to work all the time.
1202
00:53:05,800 --> 00:53:08,039
[laughter]
1203
00:53:08,040 --> 00:53:10,240
Stop filling in your
diaries with work.
1204
00:53:12,360 --> 00:53:16,239
Just pump the brakes,
take a step back.
1205
00:53:16,240 --> 00:53:19,919
And you, too, will realize
you already make enough money
1206
00:53:19,920 --> 00:53:21,279
from your food podcast.
1207
00:53:21,280 --> 00:53:24,560
[laughter]
1208
00:53:25,480 --> 00:53:28,760
[applause]
1209
00:53:33,800 --> 00:53:36,079
Lockdowns one, two, and three
were the best days of my life.
1210
00:53:36,080 --> 00:53:37,199
I hope we have
another lockdown,
1211
00:53:37,200 --> 00:53:40,159
and I hope it lasts forever.
1212
00:53:40,160 --> 00:53:41,999
Every evening, I was
relaxed for the first time
1213
00:53:42,000 --> 00:53:43,599
in over a decade,
because I wasn't putting
1214
00:53:43,600 --> 00:53:45,359
my body through this madness.
1215
00:53:45,360 --> 00:53:46,759
I was doing better
in the daytimes
1216
00:53:46,760 --> 00:53:47,919
as well, looking after myself.
1217
00:53:47,920 --> 00:53:49,079
Started doing yoga.
1218
00:53:49,080 --> 00:53:51,439
Where has that
been all my life?
1219
00:53:51,440 --> 00:53:55,359
They keep those things a
secret from you in school.
1220
00:53:55,360 --> 00:53:58,560
Pop that on the curriculum,
please, Blunkett.
1221
00:54:03,480 --> 00:54:05,279
I was locked down with my
girlfriend as well, a.k.a.
1222
00:54:05,280 --> 00:54:08,359
my favorite person, so
that was a piece of piss.
1223
00:54:08,360 --> 00:54:09,879
Very well-suited to each other.
1224
00:54:09,880 --> 00:54:12,119
I know that when you say you're
well-suited to your partner,
1225
00:54:12,120 --> 00:54:13,999
there's going to be some
skeptics in the room.
1226
00:54:14,000 --> 00:54:15,399
Fair enough.
1227
00:54:15,400 --> 00:54:17,279
Quick story to illustrate
how well-suited we are.
1228
00:54:17,280 --> 00:54:18,479
You know me.
1229
00:54:18,480 --> 00:54:19,919
You know this half of
the equation already.
1230
00:54:19,920 --> 00:54:21,359
All you need to
know about her is
1231
00:54:21,360 --> 00:54:22,999
that once she went
to get her hair
1232
00:54:23,000 --> 00:54:24,199
colored at the hairdressers.
1233
00:54:24,200 --> 00:54:25,399
And for reference
so that she got
1234
00:54:25,400 --> 00:54:26,879
the right color
that she wanted,
1235
00:54:26,880 --> 00:54:29,639
she brought along
a photo of a horse.
1236
00:54:29,640 --> 00:54:33,080
[laughter]
1237
00:54:34,920 --> 00:54:36,119
So that's who
we're dealing with.
1238
00:54:36,120 --> 00:54:38,519
I'm head over heels.
1239
00:54:38,520 --> 00:54:40,199
It wasn't just a photo
of a horse, either.
1240
00:54:40,200 --> 00:54:41,799
I asked to see it
because I wanted to see
1241
00:54:41,800 --> 00:54:42,959
if they got the color right.
1242
00:54:42,960 --> 00:54:46,999
She showed it to me.
It was a meme of a horse.
1243
00:54:47,000 --> 00:54:48,159
A horse meme.
1244
00:54:48,160 --> 00:54:49,799
You know, a horse meme.
1245
00:54:49,800 --> 00:54:53,039
It was a picture of a horse
with a long, luxurious mane.
1246
00:54:53,040 --> 00:54:58,279
And then the meme said,
maybe she's barn with it,
1247
00:54:58,280 --> 00:55:00,279
maybe it's neigh-belline.
1248
00:55:00,280 --> 00:55:02,999
You know, neigh, like
when a horse talks.
1249
00:55:03,000 --> 00:55:05,199
She showed that
to a professional.
1250
00:55:05,200 --> 00:55:07,560
[laughter]
1251
00:55:09,960 --> 00:55:11,759
Yes, I'd like to look
like I'm barn with it,
1252
00:55:11,760 --> 00:55:13,959
if that's possible.
1253
00:55:13,960 --> 00:55:15,159
Much obliged.
1254
00:55:15,160 --> 00:55:17,359
Ladies!
1255
00:55:17,360 --> 00:55:19,079
I wasn't there
when it happened,
1256
00:55:19,080 --> 00:55:20,999
but I'm pretty sure everyone
who saw that went, bet she
1257
00:55:21,000 --> 00:55:23,839
goes out with James Acaster.
1258
00:55:23,840 --> 00:55:27,360
[drumming]
1259
00:55:28,240 --> 00:55:30,839
It was when the
lockdowns opened up again
1260
00:55:30,840 --> 00:55:33,759
that I noticed all
my anxiety and stress
1261
00:55:33,760 --> 00:55:36,599
coming back in full force.
1262
00:55:36,600 --> 00:55:39,919
I was on the train from
London to Kettering,
1263
00:55:39,920 --> 00:55:44,639
and my carriage got taken
over by a small gang
1264
00:55:44,640 --> 00:55:47,399
of teenage boys.
1265
00:55:47,400 --> 00:55:48,839
And if we could
all just be adults
1266
00:55:48,840 --> 00:55:54,079
and not pretend that that's not
terrifying, that'd be great.
1267
00:55:54,080 --> 00:55:55,319
Do you know what I mean?
1268
00:55:55,320 --> 00:55:56,959
They kicked off immediately.
1269
00:55:56,960 --> 00:55:58,599
They're gunning up
and down the carriage,
1270
00:55:58,600 --> 00:56:01,239
up and down the aisle, pushing
each other into the rest of us.
1271
00:56:01,240 --> 00:56:03,039
They're throwing stuff.
1272
00:56:03,040 --> 00:56:04,679
They're shouting and swearing
at the top of their voice.
1273
00:56:04,680 --> 00:56:07,639
At one point, the leader jumped
to the head of the carriage,
1274
00:56:07,640 --> 00:56:09,799
pulled a full bottle of
Coke out of his pocket,
1275
00:56:09,800 --> 00:56:12,759
and just, head height
to the rest of us,
1276
00:56:12,760 --> 00:56:14,519
without lining it
up, just went, wham!
1277
00:56:14,520 --> 00:56:15,719
Like that.
1278
00:56:15,720 --> 00:56:17,079
Just sent it down.
1279
00:56:17,080 --> 00:56:19,239
It rebounded off of a
window--boom, boom!
1280
00:56:19,240 --> 00:56:21,959
Nearly took a grown
man's eyes out.
1281
00:56:21,960 --> 00:56:27,439
And this guy, probably about
40, responded by going--
1282
00:56:27,440 --> 00:56:30,959
[laughter]
1283
00:56:30,960 --> 00:56:33,159
Just pretended it
hadn't happened,
1284
00:56:33,160 --> 00:56:34,919
exactly how he used to
deal with the bullies
1285
00:56:34,920 --> 00:56:36,719
when he was in school.
1286
00:56:36,720 --> 00:56:37,879
That's what happened
to all of us.
1287
00:56:37,880 --> 00:56:39,159
As soon as these
kids kicked off,
1288
00:56:39,160 --> 00:56:41,199
we all transformed
into whatever age
1289
00:56:41,200 --> 00:56:44,359
we were the first time
someone picked on us.
1290
00:56:44,360 --> 00:56:47,199
There was a guy, like a
rich-looking businessman in his
1291
00:56:47,200 --> 00:56:51,799
50s, sitting further down the
carriage, everything expensive.
1292
00:56:51,800 --> 00:56:53,039
The kids surrounded him.
1293
00:56:53,040 --> 00:56:54,759
They started
calling him shitbag,
1294
00:56:54,760 --> 00:56:56,359
because he had a shit bag.
1295
00:56:56,360 --> 00:56:59,280
[laughter]
1296
00:57:01,440 --> 00:57:03,159
And this grown man,
who definitely owned
1297
00:57:03,160 --> 00:57:06,679
his own company,
responded to these kids
1298
00:57:06,680 --> 00:57:09,159
by going, yeah,
what a shit bag.
1299
00:57:09,160 --> 00:57:12,119
Am I right, fellas?
1300
00:57:12,120 --> 00:57:15,279
What kind of a loser
would own a bag this shit?
1301
00:57:15,280 --> 00:57:18,919
We were watching, like,
have some dignity, man.
1302
00:57:18,920 --> 00:57:21,319
You're bullying your
own bag with the kids.
1303
00:57:21,320 --> 00:57:23,520
You've got people
on the payroll.
1304
00:57:26,120 --> 00:57:27,559
At one point, all the
kids got their textbooks
1305
00:57:27,560 --> 00:57:30,719
out from school, and they
start ripping up the pages.
1306
00:57:30,720 --> 00:57:32,999
They're balling them up, and
then they have a full-on paper
1307
00:57:33,000 --> 00:57:35,119
snowball fight across
the whole carriage,
1308
00:57:35,120 --> 00:57:37,639
and we're all in
the crosshairs.
1309
00:57:37,640 --> 00:57:39,039
This is textbook
paper, remember.
1310
00:57:39,040 --> 00:57:40,959
It's glossy.
It's got hard edges.
1311
00:57:40,960 --> 00:57:42,799
[laughter]
1312
00:57:42,800 --> 00:57:46,079
At one point, one kid's got
a full-on paper snowball,
1313
00:57:46,080 --> 00:57:48,479
and his mate is on the
opposite end of the carriage.
1314
00:57:48,480 --> 00:57:50,959
And he throws it with
all the force of getting
1315
00:57:50,960 --> 00:57:52,319
his mate all the
way over there,
1316
00:57:52,320 --> 00:57:55,319
and he hits a woman
who's sat here.
1317
00:57:55,320 --> 00:57:58,159
[laughter]
1318
00:57:58,160 --> 00:57:59,799
Right in the face.
1319
00:57:59,800 --> 00:58:00,759
We all feel it.
1320
00:58:00,760 --> 00:58:02,439
Ugh!
1321
00:58:02,440 --> 00:58:04,159
Then another woman, who
didn't know this woman,
1322
00:58:04,160 --> 00:58:05,799
stood up and reprimanded
the entire gang.
1323
00:58:05,800 --> 00:58:08,439
So I don't know if you've
ever been on public transport
1324
00:58:08,440 --> 00:58:09,439
and a gang--
1325
00:58:09,440 --> 00:58:10,639
always men.
1326
00:58:10,640 --> 00:58:12,319
They could be 13, they
could be in their 60s,
1327
00:58:12,320 --> 00:58:13,839
but they've decided
to intimidate
1328
00:58:13,840 --> 00:58:14,959
everyone else
because they have not
1329
00:58:14,960 --> 00:58:16,399
processed their own shit yet.
1330
00:58:16,400 --> 00:58:19,119
Every time that happens,
it always gets to the point
1331
00:58:19,120 --> 00:58:22,159
where a lone woman
completely singlehandedly
1332
00:58:22,160 --> 00:58:24,639
is forced to confront
the entire gang,
1333
00:58:24,640 --> 00:58:28,439
while men like me sit there
going, please let this work.
1334
00:58:28,440 --> 00:58:31,119
[laughter]
1335
00:58:31,120 --> 00:58:35,119
I can't even look at her
because they'll hit me first.
1336
00:58:35,120 --> 00:58:36,279
Please protect this woman.
1337
00:58:36,280 --> 00:58:37,999
I'm sorry that I
got your son killed.
1338
00:58:38,000 --> 00:58:40,839
Surely that's water under
the bridge by now, big guy.
1339
00:58:40,840 --> 00:58:43,639
Come on, protect this woman.
1340
00:58:43,640 --> 00:58:46,039
She's like, you should all
be ashamed of yourselves.
1341
00:58:46,040 --> 00:58:48,719
And before she got any further,
the leader cut her down.
1342
00:58:48,720 --> 00:58:51,199
He shouted her down, said a
bunch of shit that I'm hoping,
1343
00:58:51,200 --> 00:58:54,679
because he's 13, he doesn't
understand the full weight of.
1344
00:58:54,680 --> 00:58:57,719
But it was fucked.
1345
00:58:57,720 --> 00:58:59,559
She sits down in silence.
1346
00:58:59,560 --> 00:59:03,359
Rest of the carriage is
sadder than it was before.
1347
00:59:03,360 --> 00:59:07,839
Next stop, an old man gets
up to leave the train.
1348
00:59:07,840 --> 00:59:09,319
All you need to know
about this old man
1349
00:59:09,320 --> 00:59:12,319
is that he was a--he was
bald, bald, no-hair man.
1350
00:59:12,320 --> 00:59:14,039
Had no hair on his
head, this man.
1351
00:59:14,040 --> 00:59:18,759
So they absolutely
annihilated him.
1352
00:59:18,760 --> 00:59:20,279
Whole way down
the aisle, they're
1353
00:59:20,280 --> 00:59:22,719
shouting bye-bye,
baldy, unoriginal shit
1354
00:59:22,720 --> 00:59:25,439
he's heard a million
times in his life.
1355
00:59:25,440 --> 00:59:27,159
And he stepped off
onto the platform,
1356
00:59:27,160 --> 00:59:29,999
and instead of
carrying on going,
1357
00:59:30,000 --> 00:59:32,399
he just turned
round, looked back
1358
00:59:32,400 --> 00:59:36,599
inside the carriage,
furious, eyeballs trembling,
1359
00:59:36,600 --> 00:59:38,159
just staring at these kids.
1360
00:59:38,160 --> 00:59:39,879
Then the doors
ding-ding to shut,
1361
00:59:39,880 --> 00:59:41,559
and as they're
shutting he just goes,
1362
00:59:41,560 --> 00:59:42,919
your parents do not love you!
1363
00:59:42,920 --> 00:59:44,279
And then it's shut,
and then the train--
1364
00:59:44,280 --> 00:59:47,240
[laughter]
1365
00:59:53,680 --> 01:00:00,400
Your parents do not love you.
1366
01:00:01,720 --> 01:00:03,799
- Their parents are dead!
1367
01:00:03,800 --> 01:00:07,440
[laughter and applause]
1368
01:00:09,960 --> 01:00:13,519
- How the hell has no one
heckled that all tour?
1369
01:00:13,520 --> 01:00:15,679
The perfect callback.
1370
01:00:15,680 --> 01:00:21,079
Lovely to have a heckler in
who appreciates structure.
1371
01:00:21,080 --> 01:00:22,719
Also, two things--
1372
01:00:22,720 --> 01:00:27,519
I'm gutted that I myself did
not think of that callback.
1373
01:00:27,520 --> 01:00:30,039
I've done this show more
times than I care to remember,
1374
01:00:30,040 --> 01:00:33,759
and not once has that
occurred to me, even--
1375
01:00:33,760 --> 01:00:36,479
even mildly occurred to me.
1376
01:00:36,480 --> 01:00:39,159
And secondly, I'm actually
glad that I didn't think of it.
1377
01:00:39,160 --> 01:00:40,719
Because otherwise
I'd be furious
1378
01:00:40,720 --> 01:00:46,399
right now, if that was my
next line and you had said it.
1379
01:00:46,400 --> 01:00:49,359
- Maybe one of them very
recently buried their mum.
1380
01:00:49,360 --> 01:00:52,519
- Maybe one of--one of them
very recently buried their mum.
1381
01:00:52,520 --> 01:00:53,439
Yes, absolutely.
1382
01:00:53,440 --> 01:00:54,999
It's a brilliant
add-on to the joke.
1383
01:00:55,000 --> 01:00:56,479
Structurally, it's sound.
1384
01:00:56,480 --> 01:00:57,839
It was too dark, mate.
1385
01:00:57,840 --> 01:00:59,839
[laughter]
1386
01:00:59,840 --> 01:01:01,639
The way you said it as well.
1387
01:01:01,640 --> 01:01:04,479
The delivery of it
was very morbid.
1388
01:01:04,480 --> 01:01:10,039
[monotone] Maybe one of them
very recently buried their mum.
1389
01:01:10,040 --> 01:01:12,519
Sent a chill up
everyone's spine.
1390
01:01:12,520 --> 01:01:14,919
What the fuck?
1391
01:01:14,920 --> 01:01:16,399
I know I said a similar thing.
1392
01:01:16,400 --> 01:01:18,559
That's exactly what I said
at the start of the show.
1393
01:01:18,560 --> 01:01:19,799
You remembered it verbatim.
1394
01:01:19,800 --> 01:01:21,639
It's very impressive.
1395
01:01:21,640 --> 01:01:22,800
But my God.
1396
01:01:25,760 --> 01:01:26,999
- It was suicide for the kids.
1397
01:01:27,000 --> 01:01:28,479
- I'll take the--
oh, hold on a second.
1398
01:01:28,480 --> 01:01:31,319
Uh, that guy has just
gone way too far.
1399
01:01:31,320 --> 01:01:33,680
[laughter]
1400
01:01:34,520 --> 01:01:35,959
So well done.
1401
01:01:35,960 --> 01:01:38,599
Everyone was thinking
that yours was a bit dark,
1402
01:01:38,600 --> 01:01:40,999
and then people heard
something that someone just
1403
01:01:41,000 --> 01:01:44,199
came up with by themselves.
1404
01:01:44,200 --> 01:01:45,759
Um, who's the
person who shouted?
1405
01:01:45,760 --> 01:01:46,879
Give me a little wave.
Hello, mate.
1406
01:01:46,880 --> 01:01:48,199
How are you.
What's your name?
1407
01:01:48,200 --> 01:01:49,559
- Richard.
- Richard.
1408
01:01:49,560 --> 01:01:50,759
Richard.
1409
01:01:50,760 --> 01:01:52,839
Um, what is wrong
with you, mate?
1410
01:01:52,840 --> 01:01:55,200
[laughter]
1411
01:01:56,040 --> 01:01:57,839
Huh?
- How long have you got?
1412
01:01:57,840 --> 01:01:59,599
- How long have I got?
Do you know what?
1413
01:01:59,600 --> 01:02:02,439
I've got as long as I like.
1414
01:02:02,440 --> 01:02:04,079
[drumming]
1415
01:02:04,080 --> 01:02:06,800
[shouting] Your parents
do not love you!
1416
01:02:09,280 --> 01:02:10,839
- They're dead!
- They're dead.
1417
01:02:10,840 --> 01:02:11,919
Yeah, OK.
1418
01:02:11,920 --> 01:02:13,079
Let's do it all again.
1419
01:02:13,080 --> 01:02:14,799
Everyone remember
what they said.
1420
01:02:14,800 --> 01:02:17,720
[laughter]
1421
01:02:19,520 --> 01:02:21,159
Yeah, yeah.
1422
01:02:21,160 --> 01:02:22,719
Structurally, I
like--I love that.
1423
01:02:22,720 --> 01:02:25,279
That's a structural callback.
1424
01:02:25,280 --> 01:02:27,359
Uh, it's great to
hear it, absolutely.
1425
01:02:27,360 --> 01:02:28,959
You know, I'm annoyed
on two levels.
1426
01:02:28,960 --> 01:02:29,999
I'm annoyed that--
1427
01:02:30,000 --> 01:02:31,279
[laughter]
1428
01:02:31,280 --> 01:02:34,719
First of all, I
didn't think of that.
1429
01:02:34,720 --> 01:02:36,439
I've done this show God
knows how many times.
1430
01:02:36,440 --> 01:02:38,039
I've never thought
of that punchline.
1431
01:02:38,040 --> 01:02:41,439
And secondly, I'm glad that
I didn't do it, because--
1432
01:02:41,440 --> 01:02:43,679
because otherwise, I'd be very
annoyed that you've just got
1433
01:02:43,680 --> 01:02:45,039
to the punchline before me.
1434
01:02:45,040 --> 01:02:46,239
But that's great.
1435
01:02:46,240 --> 01:02:47,879
Your par--their
parents were dead.
1436
01:02:47,880 --> 01:02:49,999
- Just were buried.
1437
01:02:50,000 --> 01:02:52,119
[laughter]
1438
01:02:52,120 --> 01:02:55,199
- Oh, that's dark.
1439
01:02:55,200 --> 01:02:57,639
That is too--I mean, I
know that structurally,
1440
01:02:57,640 --> 01:02:58,639
that's sound as well.
1441
01:02:58,640 --> 01:02:59,839
I said that earlier.
1442
01:02:59,840 --> 01:03:01,319
But that was--
that was way too--
1443
01:03:01,320 --> 01:03:03,319
and you said it in a voice
that was like--
1444
01:03:03,320 --> 01:03:05,879
[monotone] Maybe they finished
burying their parents recently.
1445
01:03:05,880 --> 01:03:08,199
And that was pretty--
that was pretty rough.
1446
01:03:08,200 --> 01:03:10,559
But like, you know, well
done, anyway, for trying.
1447
01:03:10,560 --> 01:03:11,999
Well done.
Well done.
1448
01:03:12,000 --> 01:03:13,239
- It was suicide.
1449
01:03:13,240 --> 01:03:14,479
[laughter]
1450
01:03:14,480 --> 01:03:16,719
- Whoa!
1451
01:03:16,720 --> 01:03:18,999
Whoa.
1452
01:03:19,000 --> 01:03:20,679
I don't know if some
of you heard that.
1453
01:03:20,680 --> 01:03:21,999
That was way dark.
1454
01:03:22,000 --> 01:03:23,399
You're out--you're
out of the woods now.
1455
01:03:23,400 --> 01:03:24,719
That was way darker.
1456
01:03:24,720 --> 01:03:26,399
What the hell?
1457
01:03:26,400 --> 01:03:27,359
Who said that?
1458
01:03:27,360 --> 01:03:28,319
Give me a wave.
1459
01:03:28,320 --> 01:03:29,119
Who said that?
1460
01:03:29,120 --> 01:03:30,159
What's your name?
1461
01:03:30,160 --> 01:03:33,039
- Richard.
- Richard.
1462
01:03:33,040 --> 01:03:34,599
What's wrong with you, Richard?
1463
01:03:34,600 --> 01:03:36,679
[laughter]
1464
01:03:36,680 --> 01:03:38,599
What is wrong with you, mate?
1465
01:03:38,600 --> 01:03:39,599
- How long you got?
1466
01:03:39,600 --> 01:03:40,599
- How long I got?
1467
01:03:40,600 --> 01:03:41,599
Quite a while.
1468
01:03:41,600 --> 01:03:43,599
[laughter]
1469
01:03:43,600 --> 01:03:44,879
Quite a while.
1470
01:03:44,880 --> 01:03:47,359
I mean, not as long as
I had the first time
1471
01:03:47,360 --> 01:03:52,279
you said that, but a
pretty long time, I guess.
1472
01:03:52,280 --> 01:03:54,159
[drumming]
1473
01:03:54,160 --> 01:03:56,599
And they just carried on
bullying everyone, these kids.
1474
01:03:56,600 --> 01:03:58,399
And now it was my turn.
1475
01:03:58,400 --> 01:04:00,719
I was sat in the
back row, praying
1476
01:04:00,720 --> 01:04:04,560
to God that these kids were
fans of "Would I Lie to You?"
1477
01:04:07,640 --> 01:04:09,359
And they surrounded me.
1478
01:04:09,360 --> 01:04:11,039
The leader sat in the
row in front of me.
1479
01:04:11,040 --> 01:04:12,039
He's got his back to me.
1480
01:04:12,040 --> 01:04:13,319
His mate sits opposite him.
1481
01:04:13,320 --> 01:04:14,279
They're dead-legging
each other.
1482
01:04:14,280 --> 01:04:16,639
They're paying me no mind.
1483
01:04:16,640 --> 01:04:19,599
Three of them stand
leaning against the wall
1484
01:04:19,600 --> 01:04:21,119
behind me, the back wall.
1485
01:04:21,120 --> 01:04:22,519
In my memory, they've got
toothpicks in their mouths.
1486
01:04:22,520 --> 01:04:23,759
I know that that's not real.
1487
01:04:23,760 --> 01:04:25,359
I know that's
make-believe in my head,
1488
01:04:25,360 --> 01:04:29,079
but that's how it felt. But
they were paying me no mind.
1489
01:04:29,080 --> 01:04:32,319
The final two kids
stand right here.
1490
01:04:32,320 --> 01:04:34,119
One of them's leant
against the luggage.
1491
01:04:34,120 --> 01:04:35,719
He's looking up and down the
carriage, paying me no mind.
1492
01:04:35,720 --> 01:04:37,719
But one of them,
flush to the seats,
1493
01:04:37,720 --> 01:04:43,559
eyeballing me the whole time,
paying me all of his mind.
1494
01:04:43,560 --> 01:04:46,599
And I'm sitting there, and I'm
just looking out the window.
1495
01:04:46,600 --> 01:04:51,119
I'm pretending like I've got no
idea any of this is happening,
1496
01:04:51,120 --> 01:04:54,199
like this is how I ride a
train in the modern day.
1497
01:04:54,200 --> 01:04:57,599
I don't sit there and scroll on
my phone like a normal person.
1498
01:04:57,600 --> 01:05:01,119
I look out the window like
an Enid Blyton character.
1499
01:05:01,120 --> 01:05:05,439
[silly voice] What a
splendid day on the railway!
1500
01:05:05,440 --> 01:05:07,759
Is that Cecil?
1501
01:05:07,760 --> 01:05:10,719
It's Cecil Armitage,
the rapscallion.
1502
01:05:10,720 --> 01:05:11,759
Toodle-oo, Cecil.
1503
01:05:11,760 --> 01:05:13,359
We're off to the city.
1504
01:05:13,360 --> 01:05:16,240
[laughter]
1505
01:05:19,280 --> 01:05:21,359
This kid.
1506
01:05:21,360 --> 01:05:23,599
Oi!
1507
01:05:23,600 --> 01:05:25,199
Look at him.
1508
01:05:25,200 --> 01:05:26,640
Fuck you looking at?
1509
01:05:29,480 --> 01:05:31,679
Exceptional work.
1510
01:05:31,680 --> 01:05:34,079
I was dancing with
the best of them.
1511
01:05:34,080 --> 01:05:35,119
Because here's the thing--
1512
01:05:35,120 --> 01:05:36,919
I know the rules of the jungle.
1513
01:05:36,920 --> 01:05:38,599
Someone says oi, you
got to acknowledge them.
1514
01:05:38,600 --> 01:05:41,519
But if you look at someone,
you're asking for trouble.
1515
01:05:41,520 --> 01:05:44,519
My only way out of that would
have been if this kid said oi,
1516
01:05:44,520 --> 01:05:46,079
and I'd gone--
1517
01:05:46,080 --> 01:05:52,199
[silly voice] Yes?
How may I help you, young chap?
1518
01:05:52,200 --> 01:05:53,399
It looks like rain.
1519
01:05:53,400 --> 01:05:54,799
I hope you brought
your galoshes.
1520
01:05:54,800 --> 01:05:57,639
[laughter]
1521
01:05:57,640 --> 01:05:59,759
Is that Montgomery?
1522
01:05:59,760 --> 01:06:03,719
It's Montgomery St. Stephens,
the ne'er-do-well.
1523
01:06:03,720 --> 01:06:05,959
Toodle-oo, Montgomery!
1524
01:06:05,960 --> 01:06:07,720
Merry Christmas
to you and yours.
1525
01:06:13,920 --> 01:06:15,519
Oi.
1526
01:06:15,520 --> 01:06:18,159
Fuck you looking at?
1527
01:06:18,160 --> 01:06:22,479
Oh, you said oi,
so I looked at you.
1528
01:06:22,480 --> 01:06:24,679
That's what I said.
1529
01:06:24,680 --> 01:06:27,839
The little kid sat at
a spinning wheel again.
1530
01:06:27,840 --> 01:06:31,359
Oh, you said oi,
so I looked at you.
1531
01:06:31,360 --> 01:06:33,040
[scoffs]
1532
01:06:33,840 --> 01:06:37,919
You being fucking
cheeky to me, mate?
1533
01:06:37,920 --> 01:06:39,279
I'm 36 in this story.
1534
01:06:39,280 --> 01:06:40,879
[laughter]
1535
01:06:40,880 --> 01:06:42,559
Scientifically
impossible for me to be
1536
01:06:42,560 --> 01:06:45,839
cheeky to a 13-year-old boy.
1537
01:06:45,840 --> 01:06:47,119
But I didn't say that to him.
1538
01:06:47,120 --> 01:06:48,839
I didn't know what
to say to this kid.
1539
01:06:48,840 --> 01:06:51,119
I've seen everyone try every
approach with these teenagers.
1540
01:06:51,120 --> 01:06:52,679
None of it had worked.
1541
01:06:52,680 --> 01:06:55,359
I don't think I would have said
what I said at any other point
1542
01:06:55,360 --> 01:06:58,639
in my life, but I was
fresh out of lockdown.
1543
01:06:58,640 --> 01:06:59,999
I still had lockdown brain.
1544
01:07:00,000 --> 01:07:02,399
I was thinking like I
thought in lockdown.
1545
01:07:02,400 --> 01:07:04,239
I'd been talking
a lot in lockdown
1546
01:07:04,240 --> 01:07:06,679
about how I wanted to deal with
confrontation, especially when
1547
01:07:06,680 --> 01:07:07,919
it came to hecklers at gigs.
1548
01:07:07,920 --> 01:07:09,679
I'd been talking about
it loads during therapy
1549
01:07:09,680 --> 01:07:12,479
sessions over Zoom that I could
afford any time I felt like it.
1550
01:07:12,480 --> 01:07:15,440
[laughter]
1551
01:07:16,120 --> 01:07:17,679
So I was like, I'm
going to respond
1552
01:07:17,680 --> 01:07:20,319
to this child
like an adult.
1553
01:07:20,320 --> 01:07:24,040
I'm going to respond
with honesty.
1554
01:07:25,480 --> 01:07:27,560
You being fucking
cheeky to me, mate?
1555
01:07:30,920 --> 01:07:32,599
Why are you trying to scare me?
1556
01:07:32,600 --> 01:07:35,280
[laughter]
1557
01:07:39,160 --> 01:07:43,359
Oh, you're fucking
scared, are you?
1558
01:07:43,360 --> 01:07:45,879
Yeah, I am scared.
1559
01:07:45,880 --> 01:07:48,639
You're scaring me right now.
1560
01:07:48,640 --> 01:07:52,319
When I said, you're scaring me
right now, everything about
1561
01:07:52,320 --> 01:07:53,519
him changed.
1562
01:07:53,520 --> 01:07:55,759
The whole bravado just
melted away, and he was
1563
01:07:55,760 --> 01:07:57,279
just a 13-year-old kid again.
1564
01:07:57,280 --> 01:07:58,999
His face was proper
like, what have I become?
1565
01:07:59,000 --> 01:08:00,719
Like he's trying to take
it all in, what's gone on.
1566
01:08:00,720 --> 01:08:03,159
He starts panicking and looking
at the leader in front of me.
1567
01:08:03,160 --> 01:08:05,319
Now he's like a McDonald's
employee searching
1568
01:08:05,320 --> 01:08:07,159
for his supervisor,
who's just like,
1569
01:08:07,160 --> 01:08:08,119
this wasn't in the manual.
1570
01:08:08,120 --> 01:08:09,519
I need your help back here.
1571
01:08:09,520 --> 01:08:13,119
This one's saying he's scared.
1572
01:08:13,120 --> 01:08:14,439
The leader shot up.
1573
01:08:14,440 --> 01:08:15,919
He's looking down at me
over the back of his seat.
1574
01:08:15,920 --> 01:08:18,919
Fuck you scared for?
1575
01:08:18,920 --> 01:08:25,279
Uh, he said oi, so
I looked at him.
1576
01:08:25,280 --> 01:08:27,959
And he said, fuck
you looking at?
1577
01:08:27,960 --> 01:08:29,719
And I know that
sounds silly to you,
1578
01:08:29,720 --> 01:08:31,759
but I can't deal with that.
1579
01:08:31,760 --> 01:08:34,039
Like, I'm anxious at
the best of times.
1580
01:08:34,040 --> 01:08:37,079
If a stranger is directly
confrontational to me,
1581
01:08:37,080 --> 01:08:38,559
I'm going to freeze up.
1582
01:08:38,560 --> 01:08:40,239
And like, you've all been
throwing stuff in people's
1583
01:08:40,240 --> 01:08:41,599
faces and shouting people
down and intimidating
1584
01:08:41,600 --> 01:08:42,879
the whole carriage.
1585
01:08:42,880 --> 01:08:44,239
And now you've
completely surrounded me,
1586
01:08:44,240 --> 01:08:45,799
and I think in this
situation there's,
1587
01:08:45,800 --> 01:08:47,839
like, fight, flight, or flop,
and I'm flop every time.
1588
01:08:47,840 --> 01:08:49,319
I know that about myself.
1589
01:08:49,320 --> 01:08:51,079
So this is really
scary right now.
1590
01:08:51,080 --> 01:08:53,399
I'm genuinely scared.
1591
01:08:53,400 --> 01:08:56,999
And he looked at
me and he went,
1592
01:08:57,000 --> 01:08:58,319
right, give him some room.
1593
01:08:58,320 --> 01:08:59,319
He's scared.
1594
01:08:59,320 --> 01:09:01,679
Back away from him.
Back away.
1595
01:09:01,680 --> 01:09:02,839
Give him some space.
1596
01:09:02,840 --> 01:09:04,160
What are you
scaring people for?
1597
01:09:08,200 --> 01:09:10,159
Whole country's been through
enough for the last two years.
1598
01:09:10,160 --> 01:09:12,799
You're scaring
people on the train?
1599
01:09:12,800 --> 01:09:14,279
Yeah, yeah, real
proud of yourself.
1600
01:09:14,280 --> 01:09:16,240
Get those goddamn toothpicks
out of your mouths!
1601
01:09:20,480 --> 01:09:22,919
When I first told that
kid that I was scared,
1602
01:09:22,920 --> 01:09:25,319
I remember seeing all the other
adults in the train look at me
1603
01:09:25,320 --> 01:09:27,879
as if to say,
well, I guess this
1604
01:09:27,880 --> 01:09:29,519
is the first one of us to die.
1605
01:09:29,520 --> 01:09:31,519
[laughter]
1606
01:09:31,520 --> 01:09:34,119
When they left me alone,
everyone was like, sorry,
1607
01:09:34,120 --> 01:09:35,119
I could have said that?
1608
01:09:35,120 --> 01:09:36,159
I've been scared
the whole time.
1609
01:09:36,160 --> 01:09:37,199
What are you talking about?
1610
01:09:37,200 --> 01:09:38,639
You threw a bottle
of Coke at my eyes.
1611
01:09:38,640 --> 01:09:41,359
It's fucked up!
1612
01:09:41,360 --> 01:09:43,519
The rest of the journey,
they left everyone alone.
1613
01:09:43,520 --> 01:09:45,879
Just on their phones, they're
chatting amongst themselves.
1614
01:09:45,880 --> 01:09:47,919
We got to their stop
at Wellingborough
1615
01:09:47,920 --> 01:09:49,399
and they got off.
1616
01:09:49,400 --> 01:09:52,400
[laughter]
1617
01:09:53,440 --> 01:09:55,839
They all had to file past me
to get to the door, these kids.
1618
01:09:55,840 --> 01:09:58,559
I don't want to boast, but
four out of seven fist bumps.
1619
01:09:58,560 --> 01:10:00,159
Pretty good going.
That's pretty good.
1620
01:10:00,160 --> 01:10:01,719
It's not as cool when
they're accompanied
1621
01:10:01,720 --> 01:10:04,999
by the phrase "sorry we
scared you," but I'll take it.
1622
01:10:05,000 --> 01:10:06,879
[laughter]
1623
01:10:06,880 --> 01:10:08,719
You were the scariest
of them all, little man.
1624
01:10:08,720 --> 01:10:10,160
Home safe.
Home safe.
1625
01:10:13,800 --> 01:10:16,679
Look, that story, more than
any other story in this show,
1626
01:10:16,680 --> 01:10:19,999
I always want to stress to the
audience that it's 100% true.
1627
01:10:20,000 --> 01:10:23,279
Because I'm aware that
it doesn't sound true.
1628
01:10:23,280 --> 01:10:25,119
I'm aware that it
sounds like too
1629
01:10:25,120 --> 01:10:26,639
neat of a metaphor
for how I'm dealing
1630
01:10:26,640 --> 01:10:28,239
with hecklers these days.
1631
01:10:28,240 --> 01:10:30,519
And when I say that they all
left me alone as well, that's
1632
01:10:30,520 --> 01:10:32,199
the only thing I've ever
told my therapist where
1633
01:10:32,200 --> 01:10:34,039
he's been like,
what else you been
1634
01:10:34,040 --> 01:10:35,279
lying about over the years?
1635
01:10:35,280 --> 01:10:36,119
What's this?
1636
01:10:36,120 --> 01:10:37,319
They didn't leave you alone.
1637
01:10:37,320 --> 01:10:38,399
But they did.
1638
01:10:38,400 --> 01:10:40,639
Everything in that
story, 100% true.
1639
01:10:40,640 --> 01:10:41,719
All of it happened.
1640
01:10:41,720 --> 01:10:43,559
When the guy shouted, your
parents do not love you,
1641
01:10:43,560 --> 01:10:45,239
I actually saw that
on a different train,
1642
01:10:45,240 --> 01:10:47,159
and I airdropped
it into this story.
1643
01:10:47,160 --> 01:10:48,279
But all of it happened.
1644
01:10:48,280 --> 01:10:50,240
It's all true stuff that I saw.
1645
01:10:52,960 --> 01:10:54,399
[drumming]
1646
01:10:54,400 --> 01:10:56,279
Just so we can all leave
trusting each other,
1647
01:10:56,280 --> 01:10:58,879
there is one part of the
show which I did fabricate.
1648
01:10:58,880 --> 01:11:00,079
I'll just come
clean now and we can
1649
01:11:00,080 --> 01:11:01,439
all leave knowing what's what.
1650
01:11:01,440 --> 01:11:03,959
The only part of the
show that wasn't true
1651
01:11:03,960 --> 01:11:08,719
is when I told you that Stephen
Minney was my Cub Scout leader.
1652
01:11:08,720 --> 01:11:10,079
That's not true.
He wasn't.
1653
01:11:10,080 --> 01:11:11,639
He wasn't my Cub Scout leader.
1654
01:11:11,640 --> 01:11:12,999
He was my Venture Scout leader.
1655
01:11:13,000 --> 01:11:14,319
I was 15.
1656
01:11:14,320 --> 01:11:15,599
I didn't want to admit
that to you at the time.
1657
01:11:15,600 --> 01:11:17,279
[laughter]
1658
01:11:17,280 --> 01:11:19,199
But that is what happened.
1659
01:11:19,200 --> 01:11:20,799
And he wasn't
called Shere Khan.
1660
01:11:20,800 --> 01:11:23,479
He was called Steve, and I
still didn't put it together.
1661
01:11:23,480 --> 01:11:26,440
[laughter]
1662
01:11:31,840 --> 01:11:32,799
Uh, but no, thank you.
1663
01:11:32,800 --> 01:11:34,359
I appreciate all the heckles.
1664
01:11:34,360 --> 01:11:36,319
And listen, when I started
doing this show two years ago,
1665
01:11:36,320 --> 01:11:38,919
um, I didn't know what the
result of this experiment
1666
01:11:38,920 --> 01:11:40,439
would be.
1667
01:11:40,440 --> 01:11:42,039
I basically decided that I was
going to let the audience do
1668
01:11:42,040 --> 01:11:43,519
whatever they want,
so that it forced
1669
01:11:43,520 --> 01:11:46,719
me to address my own
shortcomings as a comedian.
1670
01:11:46,720 --> 01:11:49,439
But I didn't know what would
happen if I told you you could
1671
01:11:49,440 --> 01:11:51,159
do whatever you
wanted, and what
1672
01:11:51,160 --> 01:11:55,559
I've learnt is you were doing
whatever you wanted anyway.
1673
01:11:55,560 --> 01:11:58,079
None of you have behaved
any differently tonight
1674
01:11:58,080 --> 01:12:00,479
than you would have if
you'd seen me on a tour
1675
01:12:00,480 --> 01:12:02,119
with all the rules intact.
1676
01:12:02,120 --> 01:12:03,399
That's what I've learned,
is that some of you,
1677
01:12:03,400 --> 01:12:04,839
if you heckled, you would
have heckled anyway.
1678
01:12:04,840 --> 01:12:06,359
If you didn't,
you wouldn't have.
1679
01:12:06,360 --> 01:12:07,959
I've had every single type
of gig that I normally
1680
01:12:07,960 --> 01:12:10,399
have on tour, from
almost abject silence
1681
01:12:10,400 --> 01:12:13,839
for the whole two hours,
to laughter wall-to-wall,
1682
01:12:13,840 --> 01:12:15,639
to heckling constantly,
to one person
1683
01:12:15,640 --> 01:12:18,359
heckling and the whole room
turning on them, to gigs
1684
01:12:18,360 --> 01:12:20,239
that verge on violence
and we have to,
1685
01:12:20,240 --> 01:12:22,879
like--but that's every
tour I've ever done.
1686
01:12:22,880 --> 01:12:25,159
But I'm not trying
to change you guys.
1687
01:12:25,160 --> 01:12:27,559
I'm trying to change
my response to you,
1688
01:12:27,560 --> 01:12:31,239
and my response to
you used to be bad.
1689
01:12:31,240 --> 01:12:34,599
And whatever the situation,
I would tip it over.
1690
01:12:34,600 --> 01:12:37,879
So look, if you haven't
enjoyed the show tonight,
1691
01:12:37,880 --> 01:12:41,479
please take some
consolation in the fact it
1692
01:12:41,480 --> 01:12:42,639
used to be a lot worse.
1693
01:12:42,640 --> 01:12:45,279
[laughter]
1694
01:12:45,280 --> 01:12:46,919
A lot worse.
1695
01:12:46,920 --> 01:12:50,280
[drumming]
1696
01:12:54,000 --> 01:12:58,319
Trying to take care of myself
offstage as well as onstage.
1697
01:12:58,320 --> 01:12:59,879
That's where you do
most of your work, is--
1698
01:12:59,880 --> 01:13:00,999
I went on holiday.
1699
01:13:01,000 --> 01:13:02,479
I've tried to take
more time off,
1700
01:13:02,480 --> 01:13:04,399
you know, pumping the brakes
and taking a step back.
1701
01:13:04,400 --> 01:13:07,039
[laughter]
1702
01:13:07,040 --> 01:13:08,359
My girlfriend and
I went on holiday.
1703
01:13:08,360 --> 01:13:10,879
We went away for
a week to, uh--
1704
01:13:10,880 --> 01:13:14,359
to Disney World in Florida.
1705
01:13:14,360 --> 01:13:16,439
Brought the boy
with me, of course.
1706
01:13:16,440 --> 01:13:18,599
Like I'm going to put him
onstage in front of you guys
1707
01:13:18,600 --> 01:13:19,799
but not take him to Disney?
1708
01:13:19,800 --> 01:13:21,679
Come on, I'm not a monster.
1709
01:13:21,680 --> 01:13:24,559
And everyone we told we were
going to Disney for a week,
1710
01:13:24,560 --> 01:13:27,879
they all responded by
going, what, without kids?
1711
01:13:27,880 --> 01:13:30,319
Oh, we're taking kids with us.
1712
01:13:30,320 --> 01:13:32,959
I took the boy with me,
she brought the girl along,
1713
01:13:32,960 --> 01:13:34,599
and they had a great
time the whole week,
1714
01:13:34,600 --> 01:13:36,639
the boy and the girl running
around Disney having a blast.
1715
01:13:36,640 --> 01:13:37,959
Because for me--
1716
01:13:37,960 --> 01:13:39,599
I'm not going to end the
show by telling you what
1717
01:13:39,600 --> 01:13:40,599
makes a good relationship.
1718
01:13:40,600 --> 01:13:41,679
We're all different.
1719
01:13:41,680 --> 01:13:43,199
It's different for all of us.
1720
01:13:43,200 --> 01:13:45,239
But for me, a good relationship
is when you're not just
1721
01:13:45,240 --> 01:13:47,159
both getting on with each
other in the here and now,
1722
01:13:47,160 --> 01:13:51,279
but simultaneously, every
past version of yourselves
1723
01:13:51,280 --> 01:13:53,879
is getting on with
each other as well.
1724
01:13:53,880 --> 01:13:56,999
And you don't have to protect
your younger self around them,
1725
01:13:57,000 --> 01:13:59,879
because they like
them, they love them,
1726
01:13:59,880 --> 01:14:02,319
and they want to
protect them as well.
1727
01:14:02,320 --> 01:14:05,479
And look, I know
that bit isn't funny.
1728
01:14:05,480 --> 01:14:07,359
I know it's not a
funny bit, but that's
1729
01:14:07,360 --> 01:14:08,799
what happens if
you actually write
1730
01:14:08,800 --> 01:14:10,359
comedy from a place of love.
1731
01:14:10,360 --> 01:14:11,199
It's not funny.
1732
01:14:11,200 --> 01:14:13,199
That's the shittest
bit of the show.
1733
01:14:13,200 --> 01:14:14,759
Thank you so much
for coming, everyone.
1734
01:14:14,760 --> 01:14:15,719
You've been lovely.
1735
01:14:15,720 --> 01:14:16,959
I've had a lot of fun.
1736
01:14:16,960 --> 01:14:18,599
I'll see you another time.
Thank you.
1737
01:14:18,600 --> 01:14:20,439
Good night.
1738
01:14:20,440 --> 01:14:24,839
[drumming]
1739
01:14:24,840 --> 01:14:28,000
[cheers and applause]
1740
01:14:45,000 --> 01:14:48,480
[drumming]
1741
01:15:38,280 --> 01:15:39,919
[babbling incoherently]
1742
01:15:39,920 --> 01:15:42,640
[bright tone]