1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000
Downloaded from
YTS.MX
2
00:00:07,120 --> 00:00:10,439
Good evening, people of
the Northampton audience,
3
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000
Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
4
00:00:10,440 --> 00:00:13,439
and welcome to "James Acaster:
Hecklers Welcome."
5
00:00:13,440 --> 00:00:17,960
Before we begin,
here are the house rules.
6
00:01:47,040 --> 00:01:48,359
Yes!
7
00:01:48,360 --> 00:01:50,759
Show 'em how we do it!
8
00:01:50,760 --> 00:01:54,119
This is how we do it!
9
00:01:54,120 --> 00:01:55,559
Thank you so much, Northampton.
10
00:01:55,560 --> 00:01:57,159
That felt incredible.
11
00:01:57,160 --> 00:02:01,159
James Acaster here,
reporting for the best
12
00:02:01,160 --> 00:02:03,039
evening of his life--
13
00:02:03,040 --> 00:02:05,719
of his professional
life, absolutely.
14
00:02:05,720 --> 00:02:08,599
First of all, though,
so you get some context,
15
00:02:08,600 --> 00:02:12,039
I'm going to tell you about the
worst gig of my entire career.
16
00:02:12,040 --> 00:02:13,399
Happened in the early days.
17
00:02:13,400 --> 00:02:15,039
I was baby-faced as hell.
18
00:02:15,040 --> 00:02:19,399
Before I even got to the mic
stand, a drunk lady heckled me.
19
00:02:19,400 --> 00:02:21,399
Goes, oi!
20
00:02:21,400 --> 00:02:24,719
Does your mother know
you're up this late?
21
00:02:24,720 --> 00:02:25,959
Hey, mate, mate!
22
00:02:25,960 --> 00:02:27,159
Does your mother know
you're up this late?
23
00:02:27,160 --> 00:02:30,399
I said, mate, mate, mate, mate!
24
00:02:30,400 --> 00:02:33,039
Hey, mate!
25
00:02:33,040 --> 00:02:36,599
Does your mother know
you're up this late?
26
00:02:36,600 --> 00:02:38,839
Anyway, this is the
story about how once,
27
00:02:38,840 --> 00:02:40,999
in order to shut up
a heckler, I claimed
28
00:02:41,000 --> 00:02:42,960
that my mother was dead.
29
00:02:51,320 --> 00:02:54,719
I looked at this
lady, and I said,
30
00:02:54,720 --> 00:02:56,839
yeah, my mum's dead, actually.
31
00:02:56,840 --> 00:02:58,079
And then I followed
it up--some
32
00:02:58,080 --> 00:03:00,679
people have said
unnecessarily--with,
33
00:03:00,680 --> 00:03:02,440
really recently as well.
34
00:03:06,200 --> 00:03:08,119
Because I didn't want
her heckling me again.
35
00:03:08,120 --> 00:03:10,519
Wanted to make sure that
whatever I said to this woman,
36
00:03:10,520 --> 00:03:12,639
she'd be silent for
the rest of my time
37
00:03:12,640 --> 00:03:15,279
onstage, which she
was, by the way,
38
00:03:15,280 --> 00:03:20,639
along with the rest of the
audience, who felt absolutely
39
00:03:20,640 --> 00:03:24,119
devoed for the kid
onstage trying to do
40
00:03:24,120 --> 00:03:29,320
stand-up comedy despite having
recently buried his own mother.
41
00:03:32,960 --> 00:03:35,319
I had no idea why
I'd done that, man.
42
00:03:35,320 --> 00:03:36,999
I came offstage
thinking, that was nuts.
43
00:03:37,000 --> 00:03:37,959
What were you thinking?
44
00:03:37,960 --> 00:03:39,439
What was that about?
45
00:03:39,440 --> 00:03:41,359
I've only figured it out
in recent years--
46
00:03:41,360 --> 00:03:42,600
yeah, I thought so.
47
00:03:54,440 --> 00:03:57,839
Look, sometimes it's, uh,
just more reassuring to just
48
00:03:57,840 --> 00:03:59,520
fuck it straight out the gate.
49
00:04:01,320 --> 00:04:02,959
At least that wasn't
my fault, you know.
50
00:04:02,960 --> 00:04:06,079
I was heckled by the
microphone today.
51
00:04:06,080 --> 00:04:07,679
It's called "Hecklers Welcome,"
and the same
52
00:04:07,680 --> 00:04:08,879
goes for the tech team.
53
00:04:08,880 --> 00:04:11,519
If they want to
punk me, they can.
54
00:04:11,520 --> 00:04:14,599
They absolutely did me a treat.
55
00:04:14,600 --> 00:04:18,039
And actually, may I say as
well, bravo to all of you
56
00:04:18,040 --> 00:04:20,879
during that, because we
all--we all heard it.
57
00:04:20,880 --> 00:04:22,679
From the moment--
58
00:04:22,680 --> 00:04:24,359
from the moment I
started talking,
59
00:04:24,360 --> 00:04:27,559
everyone was like,
that mic's broke.
60
00:04:27,560 --> 00:04:28,839
That mic doesn't work.
61
00:04:28,840 --> 00:04:31,479
He's filming this.
62
00:04:31,480 --> 00:04:35,239
And all of you absolutely
just homed in on what I
63
00:04:35,240 --> 00:04:37,599
was saying and were
like, we're gonna--
64
00:04:37,600 --> 00:04:39,919
we're here for you, man.
65
00:04:39,920 --> 00:04:42,999
Every time we think we should
laugh, we're going to laugh,
66
00:04:43,000 --> 00:04:46,200
even though this is
unpleasant on the ears.
67
00:04:47,640 --> 00:04:51,359
Best gig I've ever had
happened last year in the back
68
00:04:51,360 --> 00:04:54,519
of a taxicab in London.
69
00:04:54,520 --> 00:04:57,599
Going home late at night,
the cabbie turns to me.
70
00:04:57,600 --> 00:04:59,919
Says, James, I've been a cabbie
in London for decades now,
71
00:04:59,920 --> 00:05:01,919
but I've decided I'm
going to move to Norfolk.
72
00:05:01,920 --> 00:05:03,519
I want to be
nearer my daughter.
73
00:05:03,520 --> 00:05:05,439
I was like, man, that's
a beautiful story.
74
00:05:05,440 --> 00:05:09,159
But you do realize, if you
want to be a cabbie in Norfolk,
75
00:05:09,160 --> 00:05:11,439
they make you do a really
strict series of exams.
76
00:05:11,440 --> 00:05:14,159
You've got to memorize all
the routes around Norfolk.
77
00:05:14,160 --> 00:05:16,039
Every street name,
every road name,
78
00:05:16,040 --> 00:05:18,999
you've got to have it
in there, ready to go.
79
00:05:19,000 --> 00:05:20,119
Says, really?
80
00:05:20,120 --> 00:05:21,719
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
81
00:05:21,720 --> 00:05:24,320
It's called the Norwich.
82
00:05:30,600 --> 00:05:32,399
Now, listen, don't worry if
you didn't get that joke.
83
00:05:32,400 --> 00:05:33,999
Most people don't
get that joke.
84
00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:35,560
It's what is known
as not a good joke.
85
00:05:37,440 --> 00:05:38,919
Do it all the way--
86
00:05:38,920 --> 00:05:40,159
the whole tour, I've done it.
87
00:05:40,160 --> 00:05:41,839
Uh, rarely goes down well.
88
00:05:41,840 --> 00:05:43,319
Pretty much goes down the worst
out of all the material every
89
00:05:43,320 --> 00:05:45,199
single night, consistently.
90
00:05:45,200 --> 00:05:46,679
But I tell you it
because I've never
91
00:05:46,680 --> 00:05:48,519
had a joke go down as
well as when I told
92
00:05:48,520 --> 00:05:50,679
that joke to that cab driver.
93
00:05:50,680 --> 00:05:52,239
It was tailor-made
for that guy.
94
00:05:52,240 --> 00:05:55,439
He laughed so much, it
was definitely dangerous.
95
00:05:55,440 --> 00:05:57,119
He kept remembering
it on the way home,
96
00:05:57,120 --> 00:06:00,039
laughing again and repeating
"the Norwich" out loud.
97
00:06:00,040 --> 00:06:02,239
Said he was gonna tell all
the boys at the depot my joke,
98
00:06:02,240 --> 00:06:04,079
and he told me I was funny.
99
00:06:04,080 --> 00:06:05,519
Happened to me
last year, but it's
100
00:06:05,520 --> 00:06:06,919
the first time
in my entire life
101
00:06:06,920 --> 00:06:08,239
where I've actually
thought to myself,
102
00:06:08,240 --> 00:06:10,400
I think I could be
a stand-up comedian.
103
00:06:12,480 --> 00:06:14,399
Now, in order to tell you about
the best gig I've ever seen,
104
00:06:14,400 --> 00:06:15,759
I have to tell you
about the second-best
105
00:06:15,760 --> 00:06:17,439
gig I've ever seen--
106
00:06:17,440 --> 00:06:20,519
David Byrne doing "American
Utopia" live on Broadway.
107
00:06:20,520 --> 00:06:22,679
Amazing music,
obviously, choreography.
108
00:06:22,680 --> 00:06:24,359
Did a very nice speech
at the end about how
109
00:06:24,360 --> 00:06:25,679
important it is to vote.
110
00:06:25,680 --> 00:06:27,319
Then this big old
curtain came down
111
00:06:27,320 --> 00:06:28,919
and all the lights came on
in this beautiful
112
00:06:28,920 --> 00:06:30,039
Broadway theater.
113
00:06:30,040 --> 00:06:32,239
I was second row,
and in front of me,
114
00:06:32,240 --> 00:06:34,599
a couple instantly stood
up--middle-aged hipsters,
115
00:06:34,600 --> 00:06:36,119
I'd say, white hipsters.
116
00:06:36,120 --> 00:06:39,279
And they turned and they
regarded the whole audience.
117
00:06:39,280 --> 00:06:41,319
No one else had
even stood up yet.
118
00:06:41,320 --> 00:06:43,800
And they looked at
each other and went--
119
00:06:46,440 --> 00:06:53,799
Vote! Vote! Vote! Vote!
120
00:06:53,800 --> 00:07:00,799
Vote! Vote! Vote! Vote!
121
00:07:00,800 --> 00:07:04,519
Vote! Vote!
Vote! Vote!
122
00:07:04,520 --> 00:07:10,639
And, like, not one person
joined in with those people,
123
00:07:10,640 --> 00:07:13,040
and that is the best
gig I've ever seen.
124
00:07:14,760 --> 00:07:16,839
David Byrne, number two.
125
00:07:16,840 --> 00:07:19,119
Those stupid fucking
idiots, number one.
126
00:07:19,120 --> 00:07:22,760
And I was front row for that,
second row for David Byrne.
127
00:07:23,880 --> 00:07:25,439
Come on, Kermit!
128
00:07:25,440 --> 00:07:26,439
Come on, Kermit?
129
00:07:26,440 --> 00:07:27,400
Oh, man.
130
00:07:30,280 --> 00:07:33,919
Why did I wear this?
131
00:07:33,920 --> 00:07:37,159
You absolutely did me.
132
00:07:37,160 --> 00:07:40,199
I can't believe it.
133
00:07:40,200 --> 00:07:41,800
I thought this looked cool.
134
00:07:44,160 --> 00:07:46,800
But you're right, I do
look like Kermit the Frog.
135
00:07:51,360 --> 00:07:53,160
And you absolutely
took your shot.
136
00:07:55,840 --> 00:07:57,919
I'm toast.
137
00:07:57,920 --> 00:07:59,359
Do you have any
idea how it feels
138
00:07:59,360 --> 00:08:04,279
to be toast with a cameraman
right fucking there?
139
00:08:04,280 --> 00:08:08,359
This guy stood right as
close to the stage as he can,
140
00:08:08,360 --> 00:08:11,519
during the lowest
moment of my life.
141
00:08:11,520 --> 00:08:12,680
I just got called Kermit.
142
00:08:14,880 --> 00:08:16,799
Kermit the--do you
know who Kermit is?
143
00:08:16,800 --> 00:08:19,159
He's green.
144
00:08:19,160 --> 00:08:20,480
He's green frog.
145
00:08:22,640 --> 00:08:23,720
I'm wearing green.
146
00:08:27,480 --> 00:08:29,520
And he can pick up all
the sorrow in my eyes.
147
00:08:33,520 --> 00:08:35,799
It's going better than
when that woman shouted,
148
00:08:35,800 --> 00:08:38,239
"Does your mother know
you're up this late?" to me.
149
00:08:38,240 --> 00:08:42,319
I haven't pretended any of
my parents are dead yet.
150
00:08:42,320 --> 00:08:44,479
That's the bar for me.
151
00:08:44,480 --> 00:08:45,839
Did I pretend a
relative was dead?
152
00:08:45,840 --> 00:08:48,639
No?
Well, then it's a success.
153
00:08:48,640 --> 00:08:50,919
Honestly, man, I didn't know
why I'd said to that audience
154
00:08:50,920 --> 00:08:51,959
on that night.
155
00:08:51,960 --> 00:08:53,119
I thought it was nuts.
156
00:08:53,120 --> 00:08:55,599
And I'm only realizing in
recent years why I did it.
157
00:08:55,600 --> 00:08:57,679
I think we've all reflected
on ourselves a lot
158
00:08:57,680 --> 00:08:59,039
in recent years.
159
00:08:59,040 --> 00:09:01,159
In the lockdowns, we all
learnt a lot about ourselves,
160
00:09:01,160 --> 00:09:03,439
and what I learnt
about myself was--
161
00:09:03,440 --> 00:09:04,639
and don't let this
get in your head
162
00:09:04,640 --> 00:09:06,599
or ruin the show for you in
any way, it's absolutely fine.
163
00:09:06,600 --> 00:09:09,159
But what I learnt about
myself during lockdown was,
164
00:09:09,160 --> 00:09:11,640
um, I don't like
doing stand-up comedy.
165
00:09:17,960 --> 00:09:19,919
And that's not
weird, by the way.
166
00:09:19,920 --> 00:09:22,239
It's not weird to not enjoy
doing stand-up comedy.
167
00:09:22,240 --> 00:09:27,839
Like, you know the reason why
none of you do stand-up comedy?
168
00:09:27,840 --> 00:09:30,359
Same.
169
00:09:30,360 --> 00:09:32,479
I agree with you.
You're right.
170
00:09:32,480 --> 00:09:35,639
Just took me 16 years
to figure it out.
171
00:09:35,640 --> 00:09:37,519
Over 16 years ago,
I was about to do
172
00:09:37,520 --> 00:09:39,599
my first-ever gig, a little
room above a pub in Kettering.
173
00:09:39,600 --> 00:09:43,319
I'm about to go onstage, and
the barman sidled up to me
174
00:09:43,320 --> 00:09:46,159
and said, oi, mate, here's
a bit of trivia for you
175
00:09:46,160 --> 00:09:47,559
before you do your first show.
176
00:09:47,560 --> 00:09:49,959
Excitement and
nervousness, they're
177
00:09:49,960 --> 00:09:53,159
actually the same emotion,
chemically, in your body.
178
00:09:53,160 --> 00:09:55,319
Just depends if you're
a positive person
179
00:09:55,320 --> 00:09:58,479
or a negative person,
how you choose
180
00:09:58,480 --> 00:10:01,359
to interpret that emotion.
181
00:10:01,360 --> 00:10:03,679
Now, looking around the
room, you've all correctly
182
00:10:03,680 --> 00:10:05,600
identified that as a lie.
183
00:10:06,920 --> 00:10:07,999
I wasn't so lucky.
184
00:10:08,000 --> 00:10:09,439
I was like, thank you,
wise barman.
185
00:10:09,440 --> 00:10:10,519
That's handy.
186
00:10:10,520 --> 00:10:12,599
And for the last 16-plus
years, I've been beside
187
00:10:12,600 --> 00:10:16,559
the stage most nights
of the year going,
188
00:10:16,560 --> 00:10:19,839
I-I'm excited.
189
00:10:19,840 --> 00:10:21,840
I'm doing what I love!
190
00:10:25,240 --> 00:10:26,759
So many times over
the years, people
191
00:10:26,760 --> 00:10:28,559
have told me I'm brave
for doing stand-up comedy.
192
00:10:28,560 --> 00:10:29,599
Oh, you're so brave.
193
00:10:29,600 --> 00:10:30,559
I couldn't do what you do.
194
00:10:30,560 --> 00:10:32,159
You're so brave.
195
00:10:32,160 --> 00:10:35,479
Throw the compliment back in
their face every single time.
196
00:10:35,480 --> 00:10:38,039
I'm not brave!
What are you talking about?
197
00:10:38,040 --> 00:10:40,999
I'm way too excited
to be brave, mate.
198
00:10:41,000 --> 00:10:42,639
But now that I
realize how scared
199
00:10:42,640 --> 00:10:45,879
I am every single evening,
I'm here to tell you,
200
00:10:45,880 --> 00:10:47,399
I'm brave as hell.
201
00:10:47,400 --> 00:10:48,479
Don't care.
202
00:10:48,480 --> 00:10:49,919
Don't care if that
sounds arrogant.
203
00:10:49,920 --> 00:10:52,359
I'm really brave
doing this job.
204
00:10:52,360 --> 00:10:54,319
Look, I'm not saying I'm
like a fireman or a soldier
205
00:10:54,320 --> 00:10:56,279
or anything, but a lifeguard?
206
00:10:56,280 --> 00:10:58,239
Sure.
207
00:10:58,240 --> 00:11:01,199
I'm easily as brave
as a lifeguard.
208
00:11:01,200 --> 00:11:04,959
Uh, a swimming pool
lifeguard, not a beach one.
209
00:11:04,960 --> 00:11:07,040
Not a beach one.
210
00:11:08,440 --> 00:11:12,559
In 2019, I did the biggest tour
of my career, rooms this size
211
00:11:12,560 --> 00:11:14,639
off my own name for
the very first time,
212
00:11:14,640 --> 00:11:16,839
90% of the year on the road.
213
00:11:16,840 --> 00:11:18,719
That was the dream when I
started in that little room
214
00:11:18,720 --> 00:11:20,599
above a pub in Kettering.
215
00:11:20,600 --> 00:11:24,039
But four nights out of five,
I'd walk out onto the stage
216
00:11:24,040 --> 00:11:27,639
doing my routine, into my
tightly scripted material,
217
00:11:27,640 --> 00:11:30,039
and before I even got
to the first punchline,
218
00:11:30,040 --> 00:11:31,879
someone way up
in the gods who I
219
00:11:31,880 --> 00:11:34,239
couldn't even see
would interrupt
220
00:11:34,240 --> 00:11:35,640
me by saying something like--
221
00:11:50,280 --> 00:11:51,759
I told you I'd do it.
You said I wouldn't do it.
222
00:11:51,760 --> 00:11:52,920
I told you I'd do it.
223
00:11:55,800 --> 00:11:57,639
And every time
that happened, I'd
224
00:11:57,640 --> 00:12:00,959
single out that individual in
front of the entire audience.
225
00:12:00,960 --> 00:12:02,679
I'd come back with
something witty
226
00:12:02,680 --> 00:12:07,239
like, um, like, uh, shut the
fuck up, or never fucking come
227
00:12:07,240 --> 00:12:08,199
and see me again.
228
00:12:08,200 --> 00:12:09,559
That's funny.
229
00:12:09,560 --> 00:12:11,960
Or the golden classic,
go fuck yourself.
230
00:12:13,720 --> 00:12:16,799
That's a fine response, if
you're an edgy comedian,
231
00:12:16,800 --> 00:12:19,959
if you're, like, Frankie Boyle,
and that suits your persona.
232
00:12:19,960 --> 00:12:21,599
But if you're walking
onstage like,
233
00:12:21,600 --> 00:12:23,279
I've started eating
apricots recently.
234
00:12:23,280 --> 00:12:24,959
Choke on shit,
you fucking cunt!
235
00:12:24,960 --> 00:12:26,400
I hope you fucking die!
236
00:12:38,160 --> 00:12:39,399
It's quite the tonal shift.
237
00:12:39,400 --> 00:12:41,799
No one ever enjoyed that.
238
00:12:41,800 --> 00:12:43,839
It makes it very hard to
segue into your material
239
00:12:43,840 --> 00:12:45,759
about starting your own
honey business once you've
240
00:12:45,760 --> 00:12:48,160
said that sort of stuff.
241
00:12:49,560 --> 00:12:50,999
I'd yell at them if
they were too noisy.
242
00:12:51,000 --> 00:12:54,679
I'd yell at them if they
were too quiet as well.
243
00:12:54,680 --> 00:12:56,919
Nothing was good enough for me.
244
00:12:56,920 --> 00:12:59,919
If I saw one person
looking bored--
245
00:12:59,920 --> 00:13:01,800
which, side note, my fault--
246
00:13:06,400 --> 00:13:09,199
I'd destroy them.
247
00:13:09,200 --> 00:13:11,399
The rest of the audience could
be laughing their heads off,
248
00:13:11,400 --> 00:13:12,799
every single person.
249
00:13:12,800 --> 00:13:18,279
If I saw one person
watching me like this--
250
00:13:18,280 --> 00:13:21,839
which, by the way, that's
how I watch everything.
251
00:13:21,840 --> 00:13:23,799
That's me watching
the funniest comedian
252
00:13:23,800 --> 00:13:25,560
I've ever seen in my life.
253
00:13:29,280 --> 00:13:31,160
Nish is good.
254
00:13:35,080 --> 00:13:38,239
I think I've laughed out loud
as part of an audience twice
255
00:13:38,240 --> 00:13:40,159
my entire life, both
times in the cinema,
256
00:13:40,160 --> 00:13:43,399
so it weren't even live.
257
00:13:43,400 --> 00:13:47,759
I laughed when Jack Black
kicked the dog off the bridge,
258
00:13:47,760 --> 00:13:50,679
and I laughed when Mini
Me humped the laser.
259
00:13:50,680 --> 00:13:55,119
They're the two times that
this sophisticated fella
260
00:13:55,120 --> 00:13:56,799
has laughed with other people.
261
00:13:56,800 --> 00:14:00,359
And I'm bollocking you nightly.
262
00:14:00,360 --> 00:14:01,799
I'm not alone, though.
263
00:14:01,800 --> 00:14:04,319
Most comics don't deal
with it very well if you
264
00:14:04,320 --> 00:14:05,679
don't laugh at their jokes.
265
00:14:05,680 --> 00:14:07,999
Nine times out of
10, we'll blame you.
266
00:14:08,000 --> 00:14:09,599
We'll go on the offensive.
267
00:14:09,600 --> 00:14:12,719
The comedian will say something
like, oh, I'm sorry, guys.
268
00:14:12,720 --> 00:14:15,239
Oh, did I cross the line?
269
00:14:15,240 --> 00:14:18,359
Oh, are my radical thoughts too
much for your puny
270
00:14:18,360 --> 00:14:20,839
snowflake brains?
271
00:14:20,840 --> 00:14:22,919
They'll never be like,
oh, I'm sorry, guys.
272
00:14:22,920 --> 00:14:25,720
Was that underwritten
and poorly performed?
273
00:14:31,920 --> 00:14:35,479
I saw a comedian recently
go, oh, I'm sorry, guys.
274
00:14:35,480 --> 00:14:38,159
Oh, getting offended
early, are we?
275
00:14:38,160 --> 00:14:42,959
Well, let me explain
something to you about comedy.
276
00:14:42,960 --> 00:14:45,799
Comedy always comes
277
00:14:45,800 --> 00:14:49,799
from a place of love, OK?
278
00:14:49,800 --> 00:14:54,799
It never comes from
a place of hate.
279
00:14:54,800 --> 00:14:56,919
And I was at the
back of the room
280
00:14:56,920 --> 00:15:01,319
like, well, I wouldn't
be so sure about that.
281
00:15:01,320 --> 00:15:03,759
Well, I for one know that I'm
going to go home and write
282
00:15:03,760 --> 00:15:06,879
a routine about this.
283
00:15:06,880 --> 00:15:10,679
And coming from no place of
love, I'll tell you that much.
284
00:15:10,680 --> 00:15:12,600
Hate that comedian.
Hope they're dead.
285
00:15:14,400 --> 00:15:15,559
I do.
286
00:15:15,560 --> 00:15:18,359
I hope them and their
entire fan base die soon.
287
00:15:18,360 --> 00:15:20,719
That's what I hope.
288
00:15:20,720 --> 00:15:23,199
I hope that happens.
289
00:15:23,200 --> 00:15:24,839
I hope they fall down
a manhole, all of them,
290
00:15:24,840 --> 00:15:27,359
same manhole, one
after the other.
291
00:15:27,360 --> 00:15:29,399
I hope they're out doing
a conga celebrating
292
00:15:29,400 --> 00:15:32,359
their free speech,
and they tumble down
293
00:15:32,360 --> 00:15:34,199
an open manhole like a slinky.
294
00:15:34,200 --> 00:15:36,999
I hope that happens, and they
complain all the way down
295
00:15:37,000 --> 00:15:39,839
that they're being silenced,
and then they splatter into one
296
00:15:39,840 --> 00:15:41,279
another like a domino effect.
297
00:15:41,280 --> 00:15:43,159
I hope that happens.
That's funny to me.
298
00:15:43,160 --> 00:15:44,879
I think that's funny.
299
00:15:44,880 --> 00:15:46,720
That's comedy.
That's comedy.
300
00:15:48,000 --> 00:15:49,639
No, I know I'm
stood up here having
301
00:15:49,640 --> 00:15:51,319
a go at comedians, like
there's no such thing
302
00:15:51,320 --> 00:15:53,239
as a bad audience.
303
00:15:53,240 --> 00:15:55,279
Of course there is.
304
00:15:55,280 --> 00:15:58,239
I've been a member
of bad audiences.
305
00:15:58,240 --> 00:16:02,439
Worst audience I've ever
been in, I was 13 years old.
306
00:16:02,440 --> 00:16:03,800
School assembly.
307
00:16:07,600 --> 00:16:11,079
But it was more of a missed
booking than anything.
308
00:16:11,080 --> 00:16:12,559
For reasons still
unknown to me,
309
00:16:12,560 --> 00:16:14,119
they'd got a yoga
instructor to come in
310
00:16:14,120 --> 00:16:16,039
and talk to us
about the benefits
311
00:16:16,040 --> 00:16:19,119
of regularly practicing yoga.
312
00:16:19,120 --> 00:16:20,840
I don't know if
you've ever been 13.
313
00:16:22,920 --> 00:16:25,239
You're the most supple
person on the planet.
314
00:16:25,240 --> 00:16:27,359
The only thing you respect
less than stretching
315
00:16:27,360 --> 00:16:29,999
is anyone who appears
vaguely religious.
316
00:16:30,000 --> 00:16:33,119
Absolutely tore this
prick to ribbons.
317
00:16:33,120 --> 00:16:34,759
As soon as he
walked onstage, we
318
00:16:34,760 --> 00:16:38,919
identified he was physically
strong, but mentally weak.
319
00:16:38,920 --> 00:16:40,719
The most pathetic
thing, to this day,
320
00:16:40,720 --> 00:16:43,679
I've ever heard anyone say to
their audience is this yoga
321
00:16:43,680 --> 00:16:45,719
instructor going,
please, children,
322
00:16:45,720 --> 00:16:48,960
if you don't stop screaming,
I can't tell you my secrets.
323
00:16:52,280 --> 00:16:53,239
Still makes me smile.
324
00:16:53,240 --> 00:16:54,279
I love it.
325
00:16:54,280 --> 00:16:55,999
So sad.
326
00:16:56,000 --> 00:16:59,479
I can't tell you my secrets.
327
00:16:59,480 --> 00:17:02,319
These aren't secrets, old man!
328
00:17:02,320 --> 00:17:03,679
These aren't secrets.
329
00:17:03,680 --> 00:17:06,399
You're a random white
guy from Kettering.
330
00:17:06,400 --> 00:17:10,120
Everything you know about yoga
is in the public domain, Derek.
331
00:17:15,960 --> 00:17:17,759
It was a shame, though.
332
00:17:17,760 --> 00:17:19,919
I used to love it when people
came in from outside of school
333
00:17:19,920 --> 00:17:20,919
to talk to us.
334
00:17:20,920 --> 00:17:22,839
Those were my favorite days.
335
00:17:22,840 --> 00:17:25,239
When I was five,
my grandmother came
336
00:17:25,240 --> 00:17:27,119
into my primary school
class to give a talk
337
00:17:27,120 --> 00:17:28,959
about the spinning wheel.
338
00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:31,800
And that's not normal
where I'm from, either.
339
00:17:35,880 --> 00:17:37,279
And I've got no answers
to your questions.
340
00:17:37,280 --> 00:17:38,359
I'm sorry, I don't--
341
00:17:38,360 --> 00:17:40,079
I don't know why it happened.
342
00:17:40,080 --> 00:17:41,479
I was five.
I just accepted it.
343
00:17:41,480 --> 00:17:43,919
Everything was happening
to me for the first time.
344
00:17:43,920 --> 00:17:46,119
Then I grew up and
realized it was weird,
345
00:17:46,120 --> 00:17:47,479
but by then she
had passed away.
346
00:17:47,480 --> 00:17:49,199
I couldn't ask her
why it had happened.
347
00:17:49,200 --> 00:17:52,159
So I asked my parents
and they said, we weren't
348
00:17:52,160 --> 00:17:53,320
aware that had happened.
349
00:17:56,120 --> 00:17:57,159
Took it to the grave.
350
00:17:57,160 --> 00:17:58,760
Nothing but respect
for that woman.
351
00:18:01,280 --> 00:18:04,839
She brought in this big
old wooden spinning wheel
352
00:18:04,840 --> 00:18:08,079
from home, and she
put it in front of us.
353
00:18:08,080 --> 00:18:10,919
There's like 35
five-year-olds sat
354
00:18:10,920 --> 00:18:12,039
on the floor in front of her.
355
00:18:12,040 --> 00:18:13,239
She's on a stool.
356
00:18:13,240 --> 00:18:15,839
I can't remember what
the talk was exactly.
357
00:18:15,840 --> 00:18:18,720
It was something along the
lines of, I fucking love this.
358
00:18:34,400 --> 00:18:36,279
Oh, I remember how
she ended her set.
359
00:18:36,280 --> 00:18:39,759
At the end of her
set, she goes,
360
00:18:39,760 --> 00:18:42,799
who wants to come up here, have
a go on the spinning wheel?
361
00:18:42,800 --> 00:18:45,039
As soon as she said
that, all I wanted
362
00:18:45,040 --> 00:18:48,039
to do for the rest of
my natural-born life
363
00:18:48,040 --> 00:18:51,199
was spin wool in
front of an audience.
364
00:18:51,200 --> 00:18:54,959
It's just burning deep
within my heart, that desire.
365
00:18:54,960 --> 00:18:56,239
Put my hand up.
366
00:18:56,240 --> 00:18:57,919
This is one of those
stories, let's face it,
367
00:18:57,920 --> 00:18:59,159
I don't have to end this story.
368
00:18:59,160 --> 00:19:00,319
You know how this story ends.
369
00:19:00,320 --> 00:19:02,199
You know what happens
next, at least.
370
00:19:02,200 --> 00:19:04,879
You know she didn't pick me.
371
00:19:04,880 --> 00:19:06,079
Of course not.
372
00:19:06,080 --> 00:19:07,839
She picked three
other kids, and I
373
00:19:07,840 --> 00:19:11,119
did the classy thing and burst
into loud, unignorable tears.
374
00:19:11,120 --> 00:19:12,999
I went berserk, in floods.
375
00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:14,639
In floods.
376
00:19:14,640 --> 00:19:16,159
She panicked.
377
00:19:16,160 --> 00:19:18,079
Um, OK, yeah, I think we've
got time for one more.
378
00:19:18,080 --> 00:19:20,479
Come on up here, James, even
though I see you every Sunday,
379
00:19:20,480 --> 00:19:22,720
and you've never once shown an
interest in the spinning wheel.
380
00:19:24,640 --> 00:19:28,319
And I'm staggering over my
classmates, just still at a 10,
381
00:19:28,320 --> 00:19:30,839
raining down tears on them.
382
00:19:30,840 --> 00:19:32,119
And my body had
gone all floppy,
383
00:19:32,120 --> 00:19:33,559
like, with emotion, I guess.
384
00:19:33,560 --> 00:19:35,279
So I couldn't stand
at the spinning wheel
385
00:19:35,280 --> 00:19:38,159
like the other kids had done
and use the pedal with dignity.
386
00:19:38,160 --> 00:19:40,399
Instead, my grandmother's
operating the pedal,
387
00:19:40,400 --> 00:19:42,879
and she sits me on her knee.
388
00:19:42,880 --> 00:19:47,279
I'm just lolloping
around, one hand
389
00:19:47,280 --> 00:19:50,479
holding the wool here,
just open-eye crying
390
00:19:50,480 --> 00:19:52,280
at all of my classmates.
391
00:19:57,720 --> 00:19:59,239
And, like, for way too long.
392
00:19:59,240 --> 00:20:01,719
She didn't have to spin that
much wool, in my opinion.
393
00:20:01,720 --> 00:20:02,799
We're not selling it.
394
00:20:02,800 --> 00:20:05,920
Slow down, Nan.
What's--
395
00:20:10,120 --> 00:20:13,079
And that,
it's important to note,
396
00:20:13,080 --> 00:20:15,480
was my first time ever
in front of an audience.
397
00:20:19,280 --> 00:20:22,959
And when I told my
therapist that story,
398
00:20:22,960 --> 00:20:27,719
he was like, uh-huh.
399
00:20:27,720 --> 00:20:30,639
Yeah, that's why, James.
400
00:20:30,640 --> 00:20:34,079
That's why everything.
401
00:20:34,080 --> 00:20:37,400
That's why absolutely
everything about you.
402
00:20:41,000 --> 00:20:42,919
He goes, James, this
story is very important,
403
00:20:42,920 --> 00:20:44,119
what you've just told me.
404
00:20:44,120 --> 00:20:46,319
You've got to bear it in mind.
405
00:20:46,320 --> 00:20:48,679
You've got to remember,
every time you're
406
00:20:48,680 --> 00:20:50,839
onstage in front
of an audience,
407
00:20:50,840 --> 00:20:53,479
it's not just you up there.
408
00:20:53,480 --> 00:20:56,679
That little boy is
up there as well,
409
00:20:56,680 --> 00:21:00,599
and you've got to
protect that boy.
410
00:21:00,600 --> 00:21:05,279
Which, uh, I'd say is like,
um, harder than what I
411
00:21:05,280 --> 00:21:07,559
was doing in the first place.
412
00:21:07,560 --> 00:21:09,359
Like, stand-up comedy is
already pretty difficult.
413
00:21:09,360 --> 00:21:12,119
Now I've got to protect a
boy every time I'm up here?
414
00:21:12,120 --> 00:21:14,839
No wonder I was coming out with
my guard up night after night.
415
00:21:14,840 --> 00:21:17,599
Someone heckles me--
he's just a boy!
416
00:21:17,600 --> 00:21:20,039
Leave the boy alone!
417
00:21:20,040 --> 00:21:21,159
Get behind me, boy.
418
00:21:21,160 --> 00:21:24,000
I'll protect you.
419
00:21:26,880 --> 00:21:31,639
I've got to protect that boy,
man, through the ages as well.
420
00:21:31,640 --> 00:21:33,519
I've got to protect that
five-year-old boy sat
421
00:21:33,520 --> 00:21:35,399
at the spinning wheel, sure.
422
00:21:35,400 --> 00:21:39,079
But I've also got to protect
the six-year-old boy who's
423
00:21:39,080 --> 00:21:40,959
looking in his
parents' bedroom mirror
424
00:21:40,960 --> 00:21:45,039
and practicing his Prince
Charles impression.
425
00:21:45,040 --> 00:21:47,800
That kid needs a
lot of protecting.
426
00:21:49,720 --> 00:21:51,879
The most cringe moment
of my entire life, and I
427
00:21:51,880 --> 00:21:55,439
was the only person
there for it.
428
00:21:55,440 --> 00:21:58,359
It was bad, man.
429
00:21:58,360 --> 00:21:59,719
Sat on the bed.
430
00:21:59,720 --> 00:22:00,719
I closed the door.
431
00:22:00,720 --> 00:22:01,800
I'm looking in the mirror.
432
00:22:04,040 --> 00:22:06,239
For context, I'd entered
the school talent show
433
00:22:06,240 --> 00:22:07,479
and said I could do
impressions, when
434
00:22:07,480 --> 00:22:09,919
I couldn't do impressions.
435
00:22:09,920 --> 00:22:11,639
I was six.
So I was a liar.
436
00:22:11,640 --> 00:22:13,079
So what?
437
00:22:13,080 --> 00:22:14,799
I didn't know that
no six-year-old ever
438
00:22:14,800 --> 00:22:17,839
has done a good impression.
439
00:22:17,840 --> 00:22:21,039
I don't know--none
of you know a six--
440
00:22:21,040 --> 00:22:24,079
none of you know a
six-year-old who's good at--
441
00:22:24,080 --> 00:22:26,199
none of you know a six-year-old
who's like, come over.
442
00:22:26,200 --> 00:22:27,319
Have you met John's kid?
443
00:22:27,320 --> 00:22:29,359
He does an amazing McConaughey.
444
00:22:29,360 --> 00:22:31,839
Listen to this kid.
445
00:22:31,840 --> 00:22:34,000
All right,
all right, all right.
446
00:22:37,440 --> 00:22:38,679
Whoo!
447
00:22:38,680 --> 00:22:40,479
Yeah, that kid's good.
448
00:22:40,480 --> 00:22:43,359
Oh, they love you
in Northampton.
449
00:22:43,360 --> 00:22:46,319
You've never gotten applause
all tour, little kid.
450
00:22:46,320 --> 00:22:48,159
Do you want to do--do
you want to do some more
451
00:22:48,160 --> 00:22:49,880
McConaughey for them?
452
00:22:55,520 --> 00:22:56,760
The kid's great.
453
00:22:59,840 --> 00:23:01,639
You're killing!
454
00:23:01,640 --> 00:23:05,159
Do you want to do--you want
to do one more before you go?
455
00:23:05,160 --> 00:23:06,599
Do "True Detective."
456
00:23:06,600 --> 00:23:09,359
Do "True Detective"
McConaughey.
457
00:23:09,360 --> 00:23:11,240
Time is a flat circle.
458
00:23:13,640 --> 00:23:19,479
That's--that's dark from a
little kid, but well done.
459
00:23:19,480 --> 00:23:20,639
They didn't like
that one as much.
460
00:23:20,640 --> 00:23:22,999
That was too dark, actually.
461
00:23:23,000 --> 00:23:25,639
The "Wall Street" stuff
was fun, but time is
462
00:23:25,640 --> 00:23:27,240
a flat circle is a bit much.
463
00:23:30,200 --> 00:23:33,959
Time is a flat circle.
464
00:23:33,960 --> 00:23:37,199
James.
465
00:23:37,200 --> 00:23:39,439
Hello, Jilly.
466
00:23:39,440 --> 00:23:40,399
Hello, how are you?
467
00:23:40,400 --> 00:23:41,439
Can you take the mic?
468
00:23:41,440 --> 00:23:43,079
Yeah, OK.
469
00:23:43,080 --> 00:23:45,759
I'll take the mic, and we're
going to switch the clip now.
470
00:23:45,760 --> 00:23:47,679
Ah.
471
00:23:47,680 --> 00:23:50,160
What other McConaughey
films are there?
472
00:23:57,320 --> 00:23:59,999
Oh, I'll tell you what I'll
do for "Dallas Buyers Club."
473
00:24:00,000 --> 00:24:02,559
I'll do his Oscar
acceptance speech,
474
00:24:02,560 --> 00:24:05,079
because I remember that because
he won the Oscar for it.
475
00:24:05,080 --> 00:24:07,519
And it was this
acceptance speech
476
00:24:07,520 --> 00:24:11,839
I think about all the time.
477
00:24:11,840 --> 00:24:16,519
When I was
a kid, this guy I knew
478
00:24:16,520 --> 00:24:19,519
said to me, who's your hero?
479
00:24:19,520 --> 00:24:21,879
Who--who's your hero?
480
00:24:21,880 --> 00:24:26,200
And I said, myself
in 10 years' time.
481
00:24:33,880 --> 00:24:38,199
Then 10 years later,
I saw that man again.
482
00:24:38,200 --> 00:24:43,559
And he said to me, you--
are you your hero yet?
483
00:24:43,560 --> 00:24:47,399
And I said, hell, no.
484
00:24:47,400 --> 00:24:48,799
He said, right.
485
00:24:48,800 --> 00:24:51,159
Well, now who's your hero?
486
00:24:51,160 --> 00:24:52,600
And I thought about it.
487
00:24:57,480 --> 00:25:01,320
And I said, myself
in 10 years' time.
488
00:25:03,880 --> 00:25:09,599
And I will always be my
own hero in 10 years' time.
489
00:25:09,600 --> 00:25:11,759
And I thank you for this
award, and I thank the Academy.
490
00:25:11,760 --> 00:25:13,600
Thank you very much.
491
00:25:17,080 --> 00:25:18,279
Hello--this is it.
492
00:25:18,280 --> 00:25:19,519
Here we go.
493
00:25:19,520 --> 00:25:22,759
This is--I'm six years
old, and this is verbatim
494
00:25:22,760 --> 00:25:24,079
what I did on the day.
495
00:25:24,080 --> 00:25:25,839
I remember it,
seared into my mind
496
00:25:25,840 --> 00:25:28,319
because it was so embarrassing.
497
00:25:28,320 --> 00:25:33,200
Hello, my
name is Prince Charles.
498
00:25:35,920 --> 00:25:37,239
Now, I know it's
been a long build-up,
499
00:25:37,240 --> 00:25:38,839
but I'm going to put
a pause in there.
500
00:25:38,840 --> 00:25:42,399
We're, um--we're halfway
through the impression.
501
00:25:42,400 --> 00:25:44,519
And I only put a pause in
because there's absolutely
502
00:25:44,520 --> 00:25:47,279
no way that any of you
will be able to guess
503
00:25:47,280 --> 00:25:48,920
where it goes next, so.
504
00:25:51,200 --> 00:25:56,400
Hello, my
name is Prince Charles.
505
00:26:07,040 --> 00:26:09,799
That's the cat.
506
00:26:09,800 --> 00:26:14,599
And that is how long my career
as an impressionist lasted.
507
00:26:14,600 --> 00:26:20,159
You are correct in thinking
that the very next morning, I
508
00:26:20,160 --> 00:26:22,719
marched straight into
school, and I said
509
00:26:22,720 --> 00:26:25,559
the familiar catchphrase,
hello, Mrs. Weaver,
510
00:26:25,560 --> 00:26:28,759
I'd like to pull out of
the school talent show, please.
511
00:26:28,760 --> 00:26:31,479
Why?
Because I'm not talented.
512
00:26:31,480 --> 00:26:33,879
Because I don't have a talent.
513
00:26:33,880 --> 00:26:35,599
That was my main takeaway.
514
00:26:35,600 --> 00:26:37,119
I hadn't even been onstage yet
in my life
515
00:26:37,120 --> 00:26:38,119
and done a proper gig.
516
00:26:38,120 --> 00:26:39,639
I'm not talented.
517
00:26:39,640 --> 00:26:42,119
So if you've ever seen me
over the years at a gig--
518
00:26:42,120 --> 00:26:44,079
and some of you will
have, statistically,
519
00:26:44,080 --> 00:26:46,239
would have seen me at a gig
that's going quite well.
520
00:26:46,240 --> 00:26:49,439
And then out of nowhere, and
you don't even understand it
521
00:26:49,440 --> 00:26:51,359
as an audience member,
I start telling
522
00:26:51,360 --> 00:26:53,119
you the gig's going shit.
523
00:26:53,120 --> 00:26:55,639
Oh, this gig's shit,
this is a shit gig.
524
00:26:55,640 --> 00:26:58,879
Just know it's nothing
to do with you.
525
00:26:58,880 --> 00:27:01,639
All I've seen most nights, when
I look out into the audience,
526
00:27:01,640 --> 00:27:04,839
is my own six-year-old
face looking back at me
527
00:27:04,840 --> 00:27:06,759
in the mirror
going, that doesn't
528
00:27:06,760 --> 00:27:08,240
sound like Prince Charles.
529
00:27:10,160 --> 00:27:12,759
Why is there a cat in this?
530
00:27:12,760 --> 00:27:14,599
Well, they're
famously a dog family.
531
00:27:14,600 --> 00:27:16,280
They like corgis.
They like cor--
532
00:27:17,320 --> 00:27:19,679
Could have been worse.
533
00:27:19,680 --> 00:27:21,039
Could have been worse?
534
00:27:21,040 --> 00:27:22,999
Could have been Prince
Andrew in the '90s.
535
00:27:23,000 --> 00:27:24,359
Huh?
536
00:27:24,360 --> 00:27:26,639
Could have been Prince
Andrew in the '90s.
537
00:27:26,640 --> 00:27:29,360
And applause for a pedophile.
538
00:27:32,840 --> 00:27:34,399
Would you--I mean,
what's your name,
539
00:27:34,400 --> 00:27:35,639
the person who heckled that?
540
00:27:35,640 --> 00:27:37,359
- Danny.
- Danny.
541
00:27:37,360 --> 00:27:38,559
Yes, made-up name.
542
00:27:38,560 --> 00:27:41,759
Um, Danny, can you, uh,
do an impression
543
00:27:41,760 --> 00:27:43,440
of Prince Andrew
in the '90s, please?
544
00:27:44,720 --> 00:27:46,039
It's not wise.
545
00:27:46,040 --> 00:27:47,999
It's not wise?
546
00:27:48,000 --> 00:27:51,279
That should have been what
he said in the '90s, maybe.
547
00:27:51,280 --> 00:27:52,519
That would have been good.
548
00:27:52,520 --> 00:27:55,600
That would have saved
us all a lot of trouble.
549
00:27:58,600 --> 00:28:00,479
I've got to protect
the eight-year-old
550
00:28:00,480 --> 00:28:04,879
boy, who apropos of
nothing entered the family
551
00:28:04,880 --> 00:28:06,000
dog into a dog show.
552
00:28:11,600 --> 00:28:13,239
I didn't know I was even
going to go to a dog show
553
00:28:13,240 --> 00:28:14,520
when I woke up that morning.
554
00:28:17,040 --> 00:28:19,279
We're walking in the
woods, whole family,
555
00:28:19,280 --> 00:28:21,199
and we come out to
this big open field.
556
00:28:21,200 --> 00:28:23,079
Amateur dog show going
on, out of nowhere.
557
00:28:23,080 --> 00:28:25,799
I didn't know that
was going to happen.
558
00:28:25,800 --> 00:28:28,639
People sitting on picnic
blankets watching it.
559
00:28:28,640 --> 00:28:32,079
As soon as I sat
down in the grass,
560
00:28:32,080 --> 00:28:35,679
all I wanted to do for the
rest of my natural-born life
561
00:28:35,680 --> 00:28:39,559
was enter and win
amateur dog shows.
562
00:28:39,560 --> 00:28:41,159
Deep within my heart,
it's all I wanted to do.
563
00:28:41,160 --> 00:28:43,079
Now, I did have a dog
with me at the time,
564
00:28:43,080 --> 00:28:46,400
but she was not what I would
refer to as competition-ready.
565
00:28:48,400 --> 00:28:50,359
It's a miniature sausage
dog, very much the runt
566
00:28:50,360 --> 00:28:51,839
of the litter as well.
567
00:28:51,840 --> 00:28:53,759
When we originally got her
from this lady's house,
568
00:28:53,760 --> 00:28:55,599
there was loads of healthy
miniature sausage dog puppies
569
00:28:55,600 --> 00:28:57,199
running around.
570
00:28:57,200 --> 00:28:58,959
And then there was one that was
more miniature than the rest
571
00:28:58,960 --> 00:29:00,759
of them, had a curved spine,
a tail that went directly
572
00:29:00,760 --> 00:29:06,479
upwards like a dodgem, and ears
that came out like handlebars.
573
00:29:06,480 --> 00:29:08,279
And we all agreed,
as a family, we
574
00:29:08,280 --> 00:29:09,759
had to take that
one home with us,
575
00:29:09,760 --> 00:29:12,440
or we'd worry about her
for the rest of our lives.
576
00:29:14,920 --> 00:29:17,879
Now, for years my dad had been
saying no to getting a dog,
577
00:29:17,880 --> 00:29:19,319
but we'd worn him down.
578
00:29:19,320 --> 00:29:21,319
He'd gone, OK,
fine, you can have
579
00:29:21,320 --> 00:29:23,759
a dog, under one condition.
580
00:29:23,760 --> 00:29:25,479
I'm the oldest of three.
We're primary school kids.
581
00:29:25,480 --> 00:29:26,919
We think this
condition is going
582
00:29:26,920 --> 00:29:28,399
to involve learning
some responsibility,
583
00:29:28,400 --> 00:29:29,919
something like that.
584
00:29:29,920 --> 00:29:31,799
We've got to tidy up after
it, feed it every day.
585
00:29:31,800 --> 00:29:36,799
Instead, this 40-year-old
man goes, OK, you can have
586
00:29:36,800 --> 00:29:39,279
a dog under one condition--
587
00:29:39,280 --> 00:29:40,600
I get to name it.
588
00:29:44,600 --> 00:29:46,159
You know when you
realize your parents
589
00:29:46,160 --> 00:29:48,439
are just little kids as well?
590
00:29:48,440 --> 00:29:50,199
He just wanted to name a doggy.
That's adorable.
591
00:29:50,200 --> 00:29:52,039
And he named it what a little
kid would have named it.
592
00:29:52,040 --> 00:29:55,999
He named a miniature
sausage dog Minney.
593
00:29:56,000 --> 00:29:57,559
That's cute, but I
don't think he needed
594
00:29:57,560 --> 00:29:59,319
to grab the wheel on this one.
595
00:29:59,320 --> 00:30:00,839
We're three primary
school kids.
596
00:30:00,840 --> 00:30:03,199
Our first three suggestions
were Mini, Sausage, and Dog.
597
00:30:03,200 --> 00:30:05,439
You don't need to get
involved in this, David.
598
00:30:05,440 --> 00:30:06,560
Stand easy.
599
00:30:09,520 --> 00:30:11,919
And he could tell we
weren't impressed.
600
00:30:11,920 --> 00:30:17,240
And he goes, well, it's
not spelt how you think.
601
00:30:20,120 --> 00:30:24,119
How's it spelt, then, champ?
602
00:30:24,120 --> 00:30:27,880
M-I-N-N-E-Y.
603
00:30:34,760 --> 00:30:37,239
And my mum asked him why
it was spelt that way.
604
00:30:37,240 --> 00:30:40,559
And at the time he was a
secondary school teacher.
605
00:30:40,560 --> 00:30:43,359
He goes, oh, because 10
years ago I taught this boy,
606
00:30:43,360 --> 00:30:45,279
and his name was
Stephen Minney.
607
00:30:45,280 --> 00:30:48,560
And that's how his
name was spelt.
608
00:30:51,880 --> 00:30:54,799
I remember being confused
but angry at the same time.
609
00:30:54,800 --> 00:30:56,439
I wasn't thinking any
of the darker thoughts
610
00:30:56,440 --> 00:30:57,879
that some of you are
currently thinking.
611
00:30:57,880 --> 00:31:00,079
I mean, the Prince
Andrew hecklers put
612
00:31:00,080 --> 00:31:02,919
certain things in your head.
613
00:31:02,920 --> 00:31:05,079
Don't get me--I'm sure as
soon as we left the room,
614
00:31:05,080 --> 00:31:06,479
my mum was like,
right, who's this boy
615
00:31:06,480 --> 00:31:07,959
and why does he
mean so much to you?
616
00:31:07,960 --> 00:31:11,159
That--that conversation
was definitely had.
617
00:31:11,160 --> 00:31:13,559
But we were just like,
our dad's weird, isn't he?
618
00:31:13,560 --> 00:31:14,960
We got a weird dad.
619
00:31:18,040 --> 00:31:18,999
But here's the thing.
620
00:31:19,000 --> 00:31:20,279
I'm 39 now.
621
00:31:20,280 --> 00:31:22,439
I'm almost as old
as he was, and I'm
622
00:31:22,440 --> 00:31:25,879
concerned I'm turning into
him, because now I agree
623
00:31:25,880 --> 00:31:28,039
with him that that's funny.
624
00:31:28,040 --> 00:31:31,599
I think it's objectively
funny, face-value funny,
625
00:31:31,600 --> 00:31:33,639
if your kids want
a dog, to name
626
00:31:33,640 --> 00:31:37,519
that dog after some completely
different kid who they've
627
00:31:37,520 --> 00:31:38,919
never met in their
lives, they've
628
00:31:38,920 --> 00:31:40,879
got no frame of reference for.
629
00:31:40,880 --> 00:31:42,639
And as a result
of him doing that,
630
00:31:42,640 --> 00:31:46,800
every day of that dog's life,
I thought about Stephen Minney.
631
00:31:48,680 --> 00:31:50,839
Me, my brother, and sister
would talk about Stephen Minney
632
00:31:50,840 --> 00:31:54,079
all the time, long
conversations speculating what
633
00:31:54,080 --> 00:31:56,679
he might be up to as an adult.
634
00:31:56,680 --> 00:31:58,999
Do you think Stephen Minney
still lives in the borough?
635
00:31:59,000 --> 00:32:01,360
How do you think Stephen
Minney earns a crust?
636
00:32:05,000 --> 00:32:06,959
I found out what happened
to Stephen Minney
637
00:32:06,960 --> 00:32:09,159
when I was 10 years old.
638
00:32:09,160 --> 00:32:11,719
I'd joined the Cub
Scouts, and twist
639
00:32:11,720 --> 00:32:16,919
of all twists, Stephen Minney
was my Cub Scout leader.
640
00:32:16,920 --> 00:32:18,479
It's pure coincidence.
641
00:32:18,480 --> 00:32:20,719
I know that Kettering is a
small town, but that's wild.
642
00:32:20,720 --> 00:32:22,279
But here's the thing.
643
00:32:22,280 --> 00:32:26,159
I didn't know that Stephen
Minney was my Cub Scout leader,
644
00:32:26,160 --> 00:32:27,679
because--and if you've
ever been involved
645
00:32:27,680 --> 00:32:29,399
in Cub Scouts you'll
already know this,
646
00:32:29,400 --> 00:32:34,319
but Cub Scout leaders don't
go by their actual names.
647
00:32:34,320 --> 00:32:37,199
Instead, they call themselves--
and if you've not ever
648
00:32:37,200 --> 00:32:39,399
been involved in Cub
Scouts, heads up,
649
00:32:39,400 --> 00:32:41,759
this will sound bananas--
650
00:32:41,760 --> 00:32:43,639
they call themselves
names of characters
651
00:32:43,640 --> 00:32:45,400
from "The Jungle Book."
652
00:32:48,160 --> 00:32:50,119
I'm just going to let
you get used to living
653
00:32:50,120 --> 00:32:51,200
in a world where that's true.
654
00:32:54,320 --> 00:32:55,639
It's a true story.
655
00:32:55,640 --> 00:32:57,359
They call themselves,
like, Bagheera, Akela.
656
00:32:57,360 --> 00:32:59,799
You know, better names for
dogs than Stephen Minney.
657
00:32:59,800 --> 00:33:01,040
That's what they
all call themselves.
658
00:33:05,720 --> 00:33:07,439
And then they made us
call them that as well.
659
00:33:07,440 --> 00:33:09,759
As a little kid, I had to go up
and, like, look at a grown man
660
00:33:09,760 --> 00:33:12,519
and be like, hello, Baloo,
how was your weekend?
661
00:33:12,520 --> 00:33:14,079
Like, yeah, good, thank you.
662
00:33:14,080 --> 00:33:15,759
Now do this Illuminati
sign with your hands
663
00:33:15,760 --> 00:33:17,640
and tell me how much
you love the Queen.
664
00:33:21,640 --> 00:33:24,239
I promise to do my best--
665
00:33:24,240 --> 00:33:26,359
to do my--that's what
they--they made me
666
00:33:26,360 --> 00:33:27,679
recite that as a 10-year-old.
667
00:33:27,680 --> 00:33:30,279
Every week, I had
to say, I promise
668
00:33:30,280 --> 00:33:34,639
to do my best,
to do my duty to God
669
00:33:34,640 --> 00:33:37,799
and to the Queen.
670
00:33:37,800 --> 00:33:39,519
And if I didn't say
it, I was not permitted
671
00:33:39,520 --> 00:33:41,200
to play with a foam football.
672
00:33:48,000 --> 00:33:49,360
I had no idea--
673
00:33:53,720 --> 00:33:55,560
That Shere Khan was
Stephen Minney--
674
00:34:05,000 --> 00:34:08,479
Until one day, my dad came to
pick me up from Cub Scouts,
675
00:34:08,480 --> 00:34:11,600
and he starts chatting
to Shere Khan.
676
00:34:15,080 --> 00:34:16,119
I'm in the car.
677
00:34:16,120 --> 00:34:17,839
I'm waiting for them to
wrap it up in the corridor.
678
00:34:17,840 --> 00:34:19,559
Half an hour I'm
waiting for them.
679
00:34:19,560 --> 00:34:21,119
All the other Cub
Scouts had gone home,
680
00:34:21,120 --> 00:34:22,799
all the other Cub Scout
leaders, King Louis
681
00:34:22,800 --> 00:34:24,280
and that lot, they'd gone.
682
00:34:29,840 --> 00:34:32,599
When my dad's driving
me home later,
683
00:34:32,600 --> 00:34:35,439
he goes, do you know
who that was, who
684
00:34:35,440 --> 00:34:36,600
I was chatting to back there?
685
00:34:39,240 --> 00:34:40,639
Yeah, Dad.
686
00:34:40,640 --> 00:34:41,599
His name's Shere Khan.
687
00:34:41,600 --> 00:34:43,559
I see him every week.
688
00:34:43,560 --> 00:34:45,160
I know him better than you do.
689
00:34:48,600 --> 00:34:49,759
No.
690
00:34:49,760 --> 00:34:53,440
That was Stephen Minney.
691
00:34:54,040 --> 00:34:56,239
The Stephen Minney?
Are you joking?
692
00:34:56,240 --> 00:34:58,399
That's not funny if
you've made that up, Dad.
693
00:34:58,400 --> 00:35:00,759
That's the man we named the
sausage dog after back there?
694
00:35:00,760 --> 00:35:02,319
Are you for serious?
695
00:35:02,320 --> 00:35:04,080
Are you for serious right now?
696
00:35:07,920 --> 00:35:09,519
Yep.
697
00:35:09,520 --> 00:35:14,679
That's the Stephen Minney, who
we named the sausage dog after.
698
00:35:14,680 --> 00:35:17,719
And what he didn't
then tell me was,
699
00:35:17,720 --> 00:35:20,640
obviously, don't tell
Stephen Minney that.
700
00:35:29,240 --> 00:35:30,759
Because grown-ups
don't get as excited
701
00:35:30,760 --> 00:35:35,959
as children when random
people name dogs after them.
702
00:35:35,960 --> 00:35:37,999
I was buzzing all week.
703
00:35:38,000 --> 00:35:40,879
I couldn't wait to see Stephen
Minney on Tuesday night.
704
00:35:40,880 --> 00:35:42,719
I'm rubbing it in my
brother and sister's faces.
705
00:35:42,720 --> 00:35:44,359
Yeah, he goes by
Shere Khan these days.
706
00:35:44,360 --> 00:35:45,720
I know him pretty well.
707
00:35:49,800 --> 00:35:51,159
Tuesday night rolls around.
708
00:35:51,160 --> 00:35:52,839
I'm straight in that
scout hut, ignoring
709
00:35:52,840 --> 00:35:55,439
all my other mates saying hello
to me, straight up to him.
710
00:35:55,440 --> 00:35:57,679
Your name is Stephen Minney.
711
00:35:57,680 --> 00:36:00,239
M-I-N-N-E-Y.
712
00:36:00,240 --> 00:36:02,279
We named our
sausage dog after you,
713
00:36:02,280 --> 00:36:03,679
Stephen Minney.
714
00:36:03,680 --> 00:36:05,200
She's a little runt.
715
00:36:11,440 --> 00:36:13,000
My father has never
forgotten you.
716
00:36:16,240 --> 00:36:20,319
No, when we wanted a dog, he
said, under one condition only.
717
00:36:20,320 --> 00:36:22,199
You must name it after
Stephen Minney, the boy
718
00:36:22,200 --> 00:36:23,599
that I taught 10 years ago.
719
00:36:23,600 --> 00:36:24,640
M-I-N-N-E-Y.
720
00:36:33,920 --> 00:36:35,400
I think about you every day.
721
00:36:40,520 --> 00:36:41,839
My sister likes
to think you found
722
00:36:41,840 --> 00:36:45,160
love in the arms of another.
723
00:36:46,200 --> 00:36:48,440
Sat in the grass and
watching the dog show.
724
00:36:54,360 --> 00:36:58,719
And Stephen Minney, the sausage
dog, is right here next to me.
725
00:36:58,720 --> 00:37:02,759
I say to my parents, Mum, Dad,
can I enter Stephen Minney
726
00:37:02,760 --> 00:37:04,039
into the dog show, please?
727
00:37:04,040 --> 00:37:05,999
I'd like to.
728
00:37:06,000 --> 00:37:09,519
And they said yes, because
it was free to enter,
729
00:37:09,520 --> 00:37:10,840
and they did not care.
730
00:37:14,800 --> 00:37:17,599
I remember going up to the
sign-up sheet on this desk,
731
00:37:17,600 --> 00:37:20,159
and most of the categories
were based on appearance.
732
00:37:20,160 --> 00:37:23,199
Now, this dog is
beautiful to us,
733
00:37:23,200 --> 00:37:26,719
but I knew these industry
heads weren't going to get it.
734
00:37:26,720 --> 00:37:28,759
So I found a more
whimsical category,
735
00:37:28,760 --> 00:37:31,439
Dog with the Waggiest Tail.
736
00:37:31,440 --> 00:37:33,479
Stephen Minney's always
wagging her tail at home.
737
00:37:33,480 --> 00:37:36,319
10 to the dozen, we've
definitely got this in the bag.
738
00:37:36,320 --> 00:37:38,479
This is another one of those
stories, let's face it,
739
00:37:38,480 --> 00:37:39,559
I don't have to end this story.
740
00:37:39,560 --> 00:37:41,039
You know how this story ends.
741
00:37:41,040 --> 00:37:43,119
You know that it doesn't
end with the phrase,
742
00:37:43,120 --> 00:37:44,360
and then we won the dog show.
743
00:37:46,000 --> 00:37:47,439
You know what happens next.
744
00:37:47,440 --> 00:37:48,759
There's four adults onstage
with their dogs
745
00:37:48,760 --> 00:37:50,559
going absolutely haywire.
746
00:37:50,560 --> 00:37:55,159
Then I'm stood there with what
may as well be a taxidermy dog,
747
00:37:55,160 --> 00:37:58,159
giving me precious little,
while grown-ups on picnic
748
00:37:58,160 --> 00:38:01,679
blankets point me out to their
mates and laugh with abandon,
749
00:38:01,680 --> 00:38:03,599
just properly going for it.
750
00:38:03,600 --> 00:38:05,559
Then did what by
now was my calling
751
00:38:05,560 --> 00:38:07,919
card--burst into tears.
752
00:38:07,920 --> 00:38:09,599
It's what I was known for.
753
00:38:09,600 --> 00:38:11,039
You've got to give the
people what they want.
754
00:38:11,040 --> 00:38:12,839
You think McCartney
doesn't do "Blackbird?"
755
00:38:12,840 --> 00:38:15,279
Come on.
756
00:38:15,280 --> 00:38:18,159
I was always bursting
into tears, man.
757
00:38:18,160 --> 00:38:19,599
I burst into tears at
the spinning wheel.
758
00:38:19,600 --> 00:38:22,039
I burst into tears
at the dog show.
759
00:38:22,040 --> 00:38:25,840
I burst into tears when I
found out Jesus were dead.
760
00:38:27,720 --> 00:38:29,800
The big three, as it's
known in my house.
761
00:38:35,840 --> 00:38:37,839
Finding out Jesus were
dead still to this day
762
00:38:37,840 --> 00:38:40,359
is the most I've ever cried.
763
00:38:40,360 --> 00:38:41,559
It was--it was--
764
00:38:41,560 --> 00:38:43,519
it was ugly, man.
765
00:38:43,520 --> 00:38:45,079
I found out when I was four.
766
00:38:45,080 --> 00:38:46,759
I'd been raised
Christian since day one,
767
00:38:46,760 --> 00:38:50,479
but no one had told
me the twist yet.
768
00:38:50,480 --> 00:38:51,719
All I knew was
that I had a best
769
00:38:51,720 --> 00:38:53,159
friend who loved me very much.
770
00:38:53,160 --> 00:38:55,000
Life was pretty sweet
for James Acaster.
771
00:38:57,920 --> 00:39:03,279
Four years old, I rock up
to church on Easter Sunday.
772
00:39:03,280 --> 00:39:04,599
I'm excited, man.
773
00:39:04,600 --> 00:39:05,759
This is where I do
all my socializing.
774
00:39:05,760 --> 00:39:07,319
I haven't been to school yet.
775
00:39:07,320 --> 00:39:09,440
I still think it's
cool to be Christian.
776
00:39:11,560 --> 00:39:13,079
I'm turning up at
the cool church
777
00:39:13,080 --> 00:39:16,519
where all the cool
kids hang out.
778
00:39:16,520 --> 00:39:19,959
Easter Sunday, and everyone's
celebrating more than usual.
779
00:39:19,960 --> 00:39:21,319
The place is jumping.
780
00:39:21,320 --> 00:39:22,919
I'm like, praise be.
781
00:39:22,920 --> 00:39:25,759
This is why we come to church.
782
00:39:25,760 --> 00:39:27,199
What are we celebrating?
783
00:39:27,200 --> 00:39:30,119
Something awesome, by
the looks of things.
784
00:39:30,120 --> 00:39:32,479
Every song that the rock
band played--because it
785
00:39:32,480 --> 00:39:34,159
was that sort of church--
786
00:39:34,160 --> 00:39:36,359
every song this rock
band played went--
787
00:39:36,360 --> 00:39:39,240
went like, something along
the lines of, he's dead.
788
00:39:41,360 --> 00:39:43,240
He died.
789
00:39:48,800 --> 00:39:51,639
I'm sat there, four
years old, just
790
00:39:51,640 --> 00:39:56,119
like, they better not
be talking about who
791
00:39:56,120 --> 00:39:58,879
I think they're talking about.
792
00:39:58,880 --> 00:40:03,559
In my memory, my tears
came out horizontally.
793
00:40:03,560 --> 00:40:06,239
Like, propelled me backwards
out of the congregation,
794
00:40:06,240 --> 00:40:08,679
like "Everything
Everywhere All at Once."
795
00:40:08,680 --> 00:40:11,359
Oh, that was--that was dicey.
796
00:40:11,360 --> 00:40:14,399
I've never done that move
with a mic lead before.
797
00:40:14,400 --> 00:40:15,639
I felt it.
798
00:40:15,640 --> 00:40:17,399
I was like, oh,
Jesus, save me now.
799
00:40:17,400 --> 00:40:19,359
Suddenly I'm back on side.
800
00:40:19,360 --> 00:40:20,959
I'm back on side.
801
00:40:20,960 --> 00:40:23,039
If you're there, I'm sorry
I did this routine all tour.
802
00:40:23,040 --> 00:40:25,439
Please save me.
803
00:40:25,440 --> 00:40:28,119
I remember hitting the back
wall and dropping to my knees,
804
00:40:28,120 --> 00:40:32,639
just crying, just convulsing on
the floor, just crying so hard.
805
00:40:32,640 --> 00:40:35,919
And then some fucking
old man walked past me.
806
00:40:35,920 --> 00:40:37,559
He's like, oh,
James, are you OK?
807
00:40:37,560 --> 00:40:39,759
Why are you crying, mate?
808
00:40:39,760 --> 00:40:42,400
Jesus is dead!
809
00:40:46,280 --> 00:40:47,719
- Oh, Jesus--
- Spoilers!
810
00:40:47,720 --> 00:40:48,759
Jesus died.
Huh?
811
00:40:48,760 --> 00:40:50,000
Spoilers?
812
00:40:52,080 --> 00:40:54,760
Well, you won't believe what
happens next in the story.
813
00:41:00,840 --> 00:41:02,319
Don't want to spoil
anything for you,
814
00:41:02,320 --> 00:41:04,040
but I think it's based
on the "Matrix" trilogy.
815
00:41:05,880 --> 00:41:08,480
I mean, they got the idea
from the "Matrix" trilogy.
816
00:41:11,640 --> 00:41:13,719
Spoilers.
817
00:41:13,720 --> 00:41:15,839
I wish he had said spoilers.
818
00:41:15,840 --> 00:41:17,319
He didn't.
819
00:41:17,320 --> 00:41:22,440
Instead, he said, oh, don't
worry, he died for you.
820
00:41:30,560 --> 00:41:32,319
Sorry, uh, how am
I involved in this?
821
00:41:32,320 --> 00:41:34,879
What are you talking about?
822
00:41:34,880 --> 00:41:35,839
Why did he die for me?
823
00:41:35,840 --> 00:41:37,599
Why did Jesus die?
824
00:41:37,600 --> 00:41:40,039
Oh, just because of all the
bad things you've ever thought,
825
00:41:40,040 --> 00:41:41,759
said, and done.
826
00:41:41,760 --> 00:41:46,119
Yep, that's why they
publicly executed him.
827
00:41:46,120 --> 00:41:47,479
Do you know what
the crucifixion is?
828
00:41:47,480 --> 00:41:48,839
I'll explain it to you, James.
829
00:41:48,840 --> 00:41:53,839
You're four years
old, and not my child.
830
00:41:53,840 --> 00:41:57,719
I'll explain to you, in
Mel Gibson-level detail,
831
00:41:57,720 --> 00:42:00,799
what being crucified is like.
832
00:42:00,800 --> 00:42:02,040
Happy Easter.
833
00:42:04,640 --> 00:42:06,639
So, look, if you're
watching this show,
834
00:42:06,640 --> 00:42:08,879
and you're thinking a lot
of these stories seem very
835
00:42:08,880 --> 00:42:12,799
low-stakes, I don't get why
this grown man has attached
836
00:42:12,800 --> 00:42:14,759
so much guilt and
shame onto a bunch
837
00:42:14,760 --> 00:42:16,279
of essentially trivial tales--
838
00:42:16,280 --> 00:42:18,399
please bear in mind
that when I was four,
839
00:42:18,400 --> 00:42:20,800
I got my best friend
killed by the Romans.
840
00:42:29,520 --> 00:42:31,719
I'll tell a quick positive
story about that church
841
00:42:31,720 --> 00:42:33,679
for any Chrizzos that are in.
842
00:42:33,680 --> 00:42:36,439
In that church, when
I was seven years old,
843
00:42:36,440 --> 00:42:39,879
that church is where I did
my actual first-ever gig,
844
00:42:39,880 --> 00:42:42,239
my first-ever performance in
front of an audience proper.
845
00:42:42,240 --> 00:42:44,159
It was a comedy
sketch, surprise,
846
00:42:44,160 --> 00:42:47,199
surprise, me and my dad.
847
00:42:47,200 --> 00:42:49,479
My dad wrote it, and
no way around this,
848
00:42:49,480 --> 00:42:51,240
cast himself in
the role of God.
849
00:42:53,600 --> 00:42:55,879
Fun fact, that's the only thing
I've ever told my therapist
850
00:42:55,880 --> 00:42:57,600
that made him laugh out loud.
851
00:43:02,680 --> 00:43:05,999
When I told my therapist about
that dog show, he did not say--
852
00:43:06,000 --> 00:43:07,399
and I want to make
this clear, that he's
853
00:43:07,400 --> 00:43:09,999
a very good therapist--
he did not say,
854
00:43:10,000 --> 00:43:11,679
well, James, what you
got to bear in mind
855
00:43:11,680 --> 00:43:14,319
is, every time you're onstage
in front of an audience,
856
00:43:14,320 --> 00:43:16,999
it's not just you up there.
857
00:43:17,000 --> 00:43:20,559
You've got a little sausage
dog up there as well.
858
00:43:20,560 --> 00:43:22,279
He didn't say that,
but I'm pretty
859
00:43:22,280 --> 00:43:24,759
sure that is how I feel every
single night, regardless.
860
00:43:24,760 --> 00:43:26,559
I think every time I'm
up here, I'm protecting
861
00:43:26,560 --> 00:43:28,199
a boy the whole time.
862
00:43:28,200 --> 00:43:30,239
And then right here, there's
a little sausage dog just
863
00:43:30,240 --> 00:43:33,079
giving me absolutely nothing.
864
00:43:33,080 --> 00:43:35,199
And when I have a go at
you lot for not laughing,
865
00:43:35,200 --> 00:43:37,759
really what I'm saying is,
wag your tail, Stephen
866
00:43:37,760 --> 00:43:39,759
Minney, please!
867
00:43:39,760 --> 00:43:41,479
Please wag your
tail, Stephen Minney!
868
00:43:41,480 --> 00:43:43,039
We look silly.
869
00:43:43,040 --> 00:43:46,679
We look silly, Stephen Minney.
870
00:43:46,680 --> 00:43:48,760
Stephen Minney,
we look so silly.
871
00:43:50,800 --> 00:43:56,239
That's when I'm most ashamed
after gigs, over the years,
872
00:43:56,240 --> 00:43:59,679
whenever I've had
a go at an audience
873
00:43:59,680 --> 00:44:01,599
for not laughing at me enough.
874
00:44:01,600 --> 00:44:04,919
It's cringe, the amount
of times I've done it.
875
00:44:04,920 --> 00:44:06,560
It's--it's embarrassing, man.
876
00:44:08,800 --> 00:44:12,839
Worst time I've ever bollocked
an audience for being too quiet
877
00:44:12,840 --> 00:44:16,519
was when I was booked to
read a Roald Dahl story
878
00:44:16,520 --> 00:44:18,000
to some preschool children.
879
00:44:23,920 --> 00:44:28,399
And there's a number of reasons
for why what happened happened.
880
00:44:28,400 --> 00:44:29,599
It's 2018.
881
00:44:29,600 --> 00:44:30,959
I've been booked to read
"George's Marvelous Medicine"
882
00:44:30,960 --> 00:44:33,759
to these kids,
and that book changed my life.
883
00:44:33,760 --> 00:44:35,879
When I was a little kid,
my mum read me
884
00:44:35,880 --> 00:44:37,119
"George's Marvelous Medicine"
for the first time.
885
00:44:37,120 --> 00:44:38,719
It was my introduction
to comedy.
886
00:44:38,720 --> 00:44:40,199
I didn't know the world
could be funny before that.
887
00:44:40,200 --> 00:44:41,439
You'll remember
whatever your thing
888
00:44:41,440 --> 00:44:44,039
was that made you love comedy.
889
00:44:44,040 --> 00:44:46,279
It was that book.
I was laughing so hard.
890
00:44:46,280 --> 00:44:48,559
I didn't know this
feeling existed.
891
00:44:48,560 --> 00:44:52,119
So in 2018, when I'm on
my way to Roald Dahl Day,
892
00:44:52,120 --> 00:44:54,359
I do have the rather
unrealistic expectations
893
00:44:54,360 --> 00:44:57,479
in my head of, well, I presume
I'm going to change these kids'
894
00:44:57,480 --> 00:45:00,239
lives today, which
looking back is
895
00:45:00,240 --> 00:45:04,359
100% how that yoga instructor
felt on his way to my school.
896
00:45:04,360 --> 00:45:08,239
So I deserve everything
that I get in this story.
897
00:45:08,240 --> 00:45:12,479
Secondly, it was a very special
day, September the 18th,
898
00:45:12,480 --> 00:45:15,119
which is the official Roald
Dahl Day, if you're wondering.
899
00:45:15,120 --> 00:45:17,999
I know most of you know that.
900
00:45:18,000 --> 00:45:20,879
And they had booked out
Cardiff Castle for the day.
901
00:45:20,880 --> 00:45:22,319
Every single room
of the castle,
902
00:45:22,320 --> 00:45:23,919
there was going to
be a different person
903
00:45:23,920 --> 00:45:26,479
reading a different Roald
Dahl book to the kids.
904
00:45:26,480 --> 00:45:27,679
Sounds nice.
905
00:45:27,680 --> 00:45:29,519
But in practice
what it meant was
906
00:45:29,520 --> 00:45:32,439
I'm stood there in a turret,
reading
907
00:45:32,440 --> 00:45:35,279
"George's Marvelous Medicine"
to abject silence.
908
00:45:35,280 --> 00:45:36,799
And all I can hear
the whole time
909
00:45:36,800 --> 00:45:39,079
is Floella Benjamin
having a much better gig
910
00:45:39,080 --> 00:45:41,839
in the banquet hall beneath
me, just knocking out
911
00:45:41,840 --> 00:45:43,239
"Charlie and the
Chocolate Factory"
912
00:45:43,240 --> 00:45:45,399
to rolling laughter
and applause.
913
00:45:45,400 --> 00:45:46,999
I'm on a stool.
914
00:45:47,000 --> 00:45:48,599
There's, like, 35 kids sat
on the floor in front of me.
915
00:45:48,600 --> 00:45:50,359
If you've been paying
attention to the show,
916
00:45:50,360 --> 00:45:52,440
I shouldn't have to tell you
why that's triggering for me.
917
00:45:55,560 --> 00:45:58,319
I'm selling the heck
out of this book.
918
00:45:58,320 --> 00:46:00,359
And then George fed his
grandmother the medicine,
919
00:46:00,360 --> 00:46:05,359
and she grew so tall she
smashed through the ceiling!
920
00:46:05,360 --> 00:46:07,519
All of them just--
921
00:46:07,520 --> 00:46:11,159
just sausage-dogging
it the whole time.
922
00:46:11,160 --> 00:46:12,719
All I can hear is--
923
00:46:12,720 --> 00:46:15,079
What do you get when
you guzzle down sweets?
924
00:46:15,080 --> 00:46:16,560
From down there.
925
00:46:23,680 --> 00:46:26,000
But the moment
when I snapped--
926
00:46:30,080 --> 00:46:31,519
When I had to do
an impression--
927
00:46:31,520 --> 00:46:33,480
and I don't know if that's got
anything to do with it--
928
00:46:36,200 --> 00:46:37,599
Of the grandmother.
929
00:46:37,600 --> 00:46:39,719
Now, if you need a refresher on
"George's Marvelous Medicine,"
930
00:46:39,720 --> 00:46:41,199
she's had the medicine.
931
00:46:41,200 --> 00:46:42,999
She grew so tall, she
smashed through the ceiling.
932
00:46:43,000 --> 00:46:44,559
Now she's carried on going, and
she smashed through the roof,
933
00:46:44,560 --> 00:46:46,199
and now she's, like,
stuck in the roof,
934
00:46:46,200 --> 00:46:49,559
which, I don't want to be
a dick, but that's funny.
935
00:46:49,560 --> 00:46:51,959
I know not everyone's been
merked by their grandmother
936
00:46:51,960 --> 00:46:53,679
like I have, but
that is funny when
937
00:46:53,680 --> 00:46:54,919
that happens to an old person.
938
00:46:54,920 --> 00:46:57,999
That is funny,
stuck in the roof.
939
00:46:58,000 --> 00:47:00,079
Would you like a
heckle from up here?
940
00:47:00,080 --> 00:47:01,599
Would I like
one from up there?
941
00:47:01,600 --> 00:47:03,199
I tell you what, I
would like the most
942
00:47:03,200 --> 00:47:05,560
polite person in the world
to do it, absolutely.
943
00:47:13,000 --> 00:47:14,959
I would love a
heckle from up there.
944
00:47:14,960 --> 00:47:16,199
What's your name?
945
00:47:16,200 --> 00:47:17,799
- Uh, Stuart.
- Stuart.
946
00:47:17,800 --> 00:47:19,199
Hello, Stuart.
947
00:47:19,200 --> 00:47:21,679
That's a lovely--very
nice formal introduction
948
00:47:21,680 --> 00:47:24,119
to the heckle.
949
00:47:24,120 --> 00:47:25,439
I love it so much.
950
00:47:25,440 --> 00:47:27,479
Go for it, Stuart.
Do your heckle.
951
00:47:27,480 --> 00:47:28,999
I need a bit
of time to think.
952
00:47:29,000 --> 00:47:30,760
Oh, absolutely, yes.
953
00:47:32,640 --> 00:47:33,839
I appreciate that, yes.
954
00:47:33,840 --> 00:47:36,399
You should think
about it for a bit.
955
00:47:36,400 --> 00:47:40,959
Um--
956
00:47:40,960 --> 00:47:44,639
that
957
00:47:44,640 --> 00:47:48,559
is a fully rounded persona.
958
00:47:48,560 --> 00:47:50,960
We can't all see him, but we
all know what he looks like.
959
00:47:55,480 --> 00:47:57,319
James, would you like
a heckle from up here?
960
00:47:57,320 --> 00:47:58,839
Instantly funny.
961
00:47:58,840 --> 00:48:00,719
And it's very hard, just
so you know, to come
962
00:48:00,720 --> 00:48:03,119
up with a funny opening line.
963
00:48:03,120 --> 00:48:06,239
That is very difficult.
It was funny.
964
00:48:06,240 --> 00:48:07,399
It was original.
965
00:48:07,400 --> 00:48:08,879
It established who he is.
966
00:48:08,880 --> 00:48:10,479
And then when I
said his name, he
967
00:48:10,480 --> 00:48:11,919
was like, I'll just go with--
I'm just going to--
968
00:48:11,920 --> 00:48:13,439
I'm not going to
try and milk it.
969
00:48:13,440 --> 00:48:14,599
Stuart.
970
00:48:14,600 --> 00:48:15,679
I know what I've
got up my sleeve.
971
00:48:15,680 --> 00:48:16,919
What's your heckle?
972
00:48:16,920 --> 00:48:18,320
Can I have a few minutes
to think about it?
973
00:48:22,920 --> 00:48:26,399
That is objectively funny.
974
00:48:26,400 --> 00:48:28,039
Would you like a
heckle from down here?
975
00:48:28,040 --> 00:48:29,559
Would I like a
heckle from down here?
976
00:48:29,560 --> 00:48:32,319
You've already got imitators.
977
00:48:32,320 --> 00:48:34,160
This is how good you are.
978
00:48:35,520 --> 00:48:39,000
Do you have any idea
how long it takes?
979
00:48:41,280 --> 00:48:44,639
Most comedians, it
takes us over a decade
980
00:48:44,640 --> 00:48:46,639
before we start to see
the imitators come out
981
00:48:46,640 --> 00:48:50,079
of the woodwork, and we
start to see our influence
982
00:48:50,080 --> 00:48:51,519
on the world of comedy.
983
00:48:51,520 --> 00:48:57,880
Your first joke ever, and you
got a copycat on the front row.
984
00:49:00,000 --> 00:49:01,599
George--and
this is the grandmother.
985
00:49:01,600 --> 00:49:02,720
Here we go.
986
00:49:08,680 --> 00:49:09,880
This is the grandmother.
987
00:49:12,880 --> 00:49:15,759
I'm reading to the kids.
988
00:49:15,760 --> 00:49:17,840
And this is the
moment that I snapped.
989
00:49:20,400 --> 00:49:26,199
George,
you putrid little worm!
990
00:49:26,200 --> 00:49:29,119
You revolting little boy!
991
00:49:29,120 --> 00:49:32,279
Get me out of
here this instant!
992
00:49:32,280 --> 00:49:34,199
And then the next words
out my mouth were,
993
00:49:34,200 --> 00:49:37,599
are you enjoying this or what?
994
00:49:37,600 --> 00:49:39,239
To preschool children.
995
00:49:39,240 --> 00:49:41,359
That's how insecure I am.
996
00:49:41,360 --> 00:49:43,599
What, I thought they were going
to rock up to preschool
997
00:49:43,600 --> 00:49:44,919
Monday morning--
998
00:49:44,920 --> 00:49:46,279
hey, what did you do
for Roald Dahl Day?
999
00:49:46,280 --> 00:49:49,999
Oh, I--I saw that
James Acaster.
1000
00:49:50,000 --> 00:49:51,560
Don't bother.
1001
00:49:55,960 --> 00:49:57,639
Here's the worst part--
1002
00:49:57,640 --> 00:50:00,479
that was the first of
six groups of children
1003
00:50:00,480 --> 00:50:02,239
I had to read to that day.
1004
00:50:02,240 --> 00:50:06,479
Spoiler alert--had
a go at all of them.
1005
00:50:06,480 --> 00:50:08,999
Final group, I got right
to the end of the chapter
1006
00:50:09,000 --> 00:50:10,639
without making any comments.
1007
00:50:10,640 --> 00:50:12,959
As I'm closing the book, this
far from being home free,
1008
00:50:12,960 --> 00:50:15,399
I looked at one kid on
his own on the front row
1009
00:50:15,400 --> 00:50:18,599
and said, at a talking
volume, silence again.
1010
00:50:18,600 --> 00:50:20,719
Brilliant.
1011
00:50:20,720 --> 00:50:23,079
But that's him for
the rest of his life.
1012
00:50:23,080 --> 00:50:24,599
That's that kid forever.
1013
00:50:24,600 --> 00:50:26,079
He's going to grow
up, become an adult,
1014
00:50:26,080 --> 00:50:27,639
sit down in a comedy show.
1015
00:50:27,640 --> 00:50:29,319
The comedian will tell a joke.
1016
00:50:29,320 --> 00:50:30,639
It won't get very much.
1017
00:50:30,640 --> 00:50:32,159
Oh, no, silence is bad.
1018
00:50:32,160 --> 00:50:34,279
Uh, Kermit!
1019
00:50:34,280 --> 00:50:36,199
Round and round we all go.
1020
00:50:36,200 --> 00:50:37,599
No one ever gets any better.
1021
00:50:37,600 --> 00:50:39,199
No one learns.
1022
00:50:39,200 --> 00:50:42,519
Just passing the
pain around, man.
1023
00:50:42,520 --> 00:50:44,559
Because look, that's
what I've got to remember
1024
00:50:44,560 --> 00:50:46,639
as well, when I'm up here.
1025
00:50:46,640 --> 00:50:50,599
Look, priority number one, I've
got to protect the boy, sure.
1026
00:50:50,600 --> 00:50:52,999
But it would be ignorant of
me if I didn't acknowledge
1027
00:50:53,000 --> 00:50:55,559
the fact that you've
all got your younger
1028
00:50:55,560 --> 00:50:56,759
selves with you as well.
1029
00:50:56,760 --> 00:50:57,879
They're all here.
1030
00:50:57,880 --> 00:50:58,999
They're all sat in your laps.
1031
00:50:59,000 --> 00:50:59,999
Some of you are
protecting them.
1032
00:51:00,000 --> 00:51:01,599
Some of you are not
protecting them.
1033
00:51:01,600 --> 00:51:03,239
That's why every
comedy show you've
1034
00:51:03,240 --> 00:51:05,319
ever been to, emotionally
speaking, is a fucking mess.
1035
00:51:05,320 --> 00:51:08,359
Every gig, I'm a baby
in charge of a creche.
1036
00:51:08,360 --> 00:51:09,359
I'm Tommy Pickles.
1037
00:51:09,360 --> 00:51:11,479
That's all this is.
1038
00:51:11,480 --> 00:51:13,999
I'm Tommy Pickles trying
not to be Angelica,
1039
00:51:14,000 --> 00:51:15,839
every gig I've ever done.
1040
00:51:15,840 --> 00:51:18,559
Because for every kid who
cried at a spinning wheel,
1041
00:51:18,560 --> 00:51:21,439
there are 35 kids who had
to sit there and watch
1042
00:51:21,440 --> 00:51:23,679
a kid cry at a spinning wheel.
1043
00:51:23,680 --> 00:51:26,039
You think that didn't
affect them in some way?
1044
00:51:26,040 --> 00:51:28,039
They're going to grow up,
sit down in an audience,
1045
00:51:28,040 --> 00:51:30,759
and go, why do I immediately
feel nervous for the performer?
1046
00:51:30,760 --> 00:51:32,039
Why is that?
1047
00:51:32,040 --> 00:51:33,159
Oh, I hope he spins good wool--
1048
00:51:33,160 --> 00:51:34,519
I mean, tells good jokes.
1049
00:51:34,520 --> 00:51:36,079
What the hell?
1050
00:51:36,080 --> 00:51:39,120
Did that just come
out of my mouth?
1051
00:51:42,800 --> 00:51:45,559
And look, all the stories
I've told you tonight
1052
00:51:45,560 --> 00:51:47,119
I've thought about over
and over in my head,
1053
00:51:47,120 --> 00:51:48,599
especially during
the lockdowns.
1054
00:51:48,600 --> 00:51:50,319
I think all of us,
in the lockdowns,
1055
00:51:50,320 --> 00:51:52,959
reflected a lot on our jobs and
our relationship with our work.
1056
00:51:52,960 --> 00:51:54,439
I'm not going to
make out we had
1057
00:51:54,440 --> 00:51:55,519
exactly the same experience.
1058
00:51:55,520 --> 00:51:57,000
I'm loaded to fuck.
1059
00:52:02,280 --> 00:52:04,680
I think it's important
to acknowledge that.
1060
00:52:08,120 --> 00:52:11,519
No, because listen, I'm sick
and tired of celebrities--
1061
00:52:11,520 --> 00:52:15,359
which I am, and will
be till the day I die--
1062
00:52:15,360 --> 00:52:17,679
being the authority
on lockdowns.
1063
00:52:17,680 --> 00:52:19,399
They're the main
people we've heard
1064
00:52:19,400 --> 00:52:22,279
from about what the lockdowns
were like, is celebrities.
1065
00:52:22,280 --> 00:52:24,279
And sometimes the
worst is when they make
1066
00:52:24,280 --> 00:52:26,319
out they learnt a
profound lesson that
1067
00:52:26,320 --> 00:52:28,759
we could all benefit from.
1068
00:52:28,760 --> 00:52:31,239
Like, oh, yeah, not a
lot of people say this,
1069
00:52:31,240 --> 00:52:34,079
but the lockdowns were
really good for me.
1070
00:52:34,080 --> 00:52:35,639
Before lockdowns,
I was a workaholic.
1071
00:52:35,640 --> 00:52:38,199
I was burning the candle
at both ends, no mistake.
1072
00:52:38,200 --> 00:52:39,719
Then lockdown
came along, and it
1073
00:52:39,720 --> 00:52:43,799
forced me to pump the brakes.
1074
00:52:43,800 --> 00:52:46,519
For the first time in my
life, I'm taking a step back.
1075
00:52:46,520 --> 00:52:47,519
I'm surveying the scene.
1076
00:52:47,520 --> 00:52:51,079
I'm like, come, come, now.
1077
00:52:51,080 --> 00:52:52,799
Is this how I want
to conduct myself?
1078
00:52:52,800 --> 00:52:54,799
Do I want to keep doing this
job, working with these people?
1079
00:52:54,800 --> 00:52:59,079
Is this what I
want for my career?
1080
00:52:59,080 --> 00:53:01,559
So what I'd say to anyone
listening to this is,
1081
00:53:01,560 --> 00:53:06,000
hey, you don't have
to work all the time.
1082
00:53:08,400 --> 00:53:10,280
Stop filling in your
diaries with work.
1083
00:53:12,680 --> 00:53:16,519
Just pump the brakes,
take a step back.
1084
00:53:16,520 --> 00:53:20,159
And you, too, will realize
you already make enough money
1085
00:53:20,160 --> 00:53:21,400
from your food podcast.
1086
00:53:34,200 --> 00:53:36,319
Lockdowns one, two, and three
were the best days of my life.
1087
00:53:36,320 --> 00:53:37,479
I hope we have
another lockdown,
1088
00:53:37,480 --> 00:53:40,399
and I hope it lasts forever.
1089
00:53:40,400 --> 00:53:42,239
Every evening, I was
relaxed for the first time
1090
00:53:42,240 --> 00:53:43,719
in over a decade,
because I wasn't putting
1091
00:53:43,720 --> 00:53:45,639
my body through this madness.
1092
00:53:45,640 --> 00:53:46,919
I was doing better
in the daytimes
1093
00:53:46,920 --> 00:53:48,119
as well, looking after myself.
1094
00:53:48,120 --> 00:53:49,319
Started doing yoga.
1095
00:53:49,320 --> 00:53:51,719
Where has that
been all my life?
1096
00:53:51,720 --> 00:53:55,639
They keep those things a
secret from you in school.
1097
00:53:55,640 --> 00:53:58,640
Pop that on the curriculum,
please, Blunkett.
1098
00:54:03,840 --> 00:54:05,599
I was locked down with my
girlfriend as well, a.k.a.
1099
00:54:05,600 --> 00:54:08,719
my favorite person, so
that was a piece of piss.
1100
00:54:08,720 --> 00:54:10,319
Very well-suited to each other.
1101
00:54:10,320 --> 00:54:12,399
I know that when you say you're
well-suited to your partner,
1102
00:54:12,400 --> 00:54:14,279
there's going to be some
skeptics in the room.
1103
00:54:14,280 --> 00:54:15,719
Fair enough.
1104
00:54:15,720 --> 00:54:17,399
Quick story to illustrate
how well-suited we are.
1105
00:54:17,400 --> 00:54:18,839
You know me.
1106
00:54:18,840 --> 00:54:20,159
You know this half of
the equation already.
1107
00:54:20,160 --> 00:54:21,679
All you need to
know about her is
1108
00:54:21,680 --> 00:54:23,239
that once she went
to get her hair
1109
00:54:23,240 --> 00:54:24,479
colored at the hairdressers.
1110
00:54:24,480 --> 00:54:25,719
And for reference
so that she got
1111
00:54:25,720 --> 00:54:27,119
the right color
that she wanted,
1112
00:54:27,120 --> 00:54:29,800
she brought along
a photo of a horse.
1113
00:54:35,120 --> 00:54:36,359
So that's who
we're dealing with.
1114
00:54:36,360 --> 00:54:38,839
I'm head over heels.
1115
00:54:38,840 --> 00:54:40,479
It wasn't just a photo
of a horse, either.
1116
00:54:40,480 --> 00:54:41,999
I asked to see it
because I wanted to see
1117
00:54:42,000 --> 00:54:43,159
if they got the color right.
1118
00:54:43,160 --> 00:54:47,199
She showed it to me.
It was a meme of a horse.
1119
00:54:47,200 --> 00:54:48,399
A horse meme.
1120
00:54:48,400 --> 00:54:50,199
You know, a horse meme.
1121
00:54:50,200 --> 00:54:53,239
It was a picture of a horse
with a long, luxurious mane.
1122
00:54:53,240 --> 00:54:58,519
And then the meme said,
maybe she's barn with it,
1123
00:54:58,520 --> 00:55:00,559
maybe it's neigh-belline.
1124
00:55:00,560 --> 00:55:03,279
You know, neigh, like
when a horse talks.
1125
00:55:03,280 --> 00:55:05,320
She showed that
to a professional.
1126
00:55:10,200 --> 00:55:11,959
Yes, I'd like to look
like I'm barn with it,
1127
00:55:11,960 --> 00:55:14,199
if that's possible.
1128
00:55:14,200 --> 00:55:15,279
Much obliged.
1129
00:55:15,280 --> 00:55:17,679
Ladies!
1130
00:55:17,680 --> 00:55:19,359
I wasn't there
when it happened,
1131
00:55:19,360 --> 00:55:21,279
but I'm pretty sure everyone
who saw that went, bet she
1132
00:55:21,280 --> 00:55:24,080
goes out with James Acaster.
1133
00:55:28,520 --> 00:55:31,039
It was when the
lockdowns opened up again
1134
00:55:31,040 --> 00:55:33,959
that I noticed all
my anxiety and stress
1135
00:55:33,960 --> 00:55:36,959
coming back in full force.
1136
00:55:36,960 --> 00:55:40,159
I was on the train from
London to Kettering,
1137
00:55:40,160 --> 00:55:44,799
and my carriage got taken
over by a small gang
1138
00:55:44,800 --> 00:55:47,719
of teenage boys.
1139
00:55:47,720 --> 00:55:49,239
And if we could
all just be adults
1140
00:55:49,240 --> 00:55:54,319
and not pretend that that's not
terrifying, that'd be great.
1141
00:55:54,320 --> 00:55:55,599
Do you know what I mean?
1142
00:55:55,600 --> 00:55:57,159
They kicked off immediately.
1143
00:55:57,160 --> 00:55:58,919
They're gunning up
and down the carriage,
1144
00:55:58,920 --> 00:56:01,559
up and down the aisle, pushing
each other into the rest of us.
1145
00:56:01,560 --> 00:56:03,319
They're throwing stuff.
1146
00:56:03,320 --> 00:56:05,119
They're shouting and swearing
at the top of their voice.
1147
00:56:05,120 --> 00:56:08,039
At one point, the leader jumped
to the head of the carriage,
1148
00:56:08,040 --> 00:56:10,039
pulled a full bottle of
Coke out of his pocket,
1149
00:56:10,040 --> 00:56:12,999
and just, head height
to the rest of us,
1150
00:56:13,000 --> 00:56:14,719
without lining it
up, just went, wham!
1151
00:56:14,720 --> 00:56:15,959
Like that.
1152
00:56:15,960 --> 00:56:17,359
Just sent it down.
1153
00:56:17,360 --> 00:56:19,559
It rebounded off of a
window--boom, boom!
1154
00:56:19,560 --> 00:56:22,239
Nearly took a grown
man's eyes out.
1155
00:56:22,240 --> 00:56:27,600
And this guy, probably about
40, responded by going--
1156
00:56:31,280 --> 00:56:33,439
Just pretended it
hadn't happened,
1157
00:56:33,440 --> 00:56:35,159
exactly how he used to
deal with the bullies
1158
00:56:35,160 --> 00:56:36,919
when he was in school.
1159
00:56:36,920 --> 00:56:38,119
That's what happened
to all of us.
1160
00:56:38,120 --> 00:56:39,439
As soon as these
kids kicked off,
1161
00:56:39,440 --> 00:56:41,479
we all transformed
into whatever age
1162
00:56:41,480 --> 00:56:44,679
we were the first time
someone picked on us.
1163
00:56:44,680 --> 00:56:47,479
There was a guy, like a
rich-looking businessman in his
1164
00:56:47,480 --> 00:56:51,999
50s, sitting further down the
carriage, everything expensive.
1165
00:56:52,000 --> 00:56:53,279
The kids surrounded him.
1166
00:56:53,280 --> 00:56:54,959
They started
calling him shitbag,
1167
00:56:54,960 --> 00:56:56,440
because he had a shit bag.
1168
00:57:01,800 --> 00:57:03,479
And this grown man,
who definitely owned
1169
00:57:03,480 --> 00:57:06,919
his own company,
responded to these kids
1170
00:57:06,920 --> 00:57:09,479
by going, yeah,
what a shit bag.
1171
00:57:09,480 --> 00:57:12,439
Am I right, fellas?
1172
00:57:12,440 --> 00:57:15,599
What kind of a loser
would own a bag this shit?
1173
00:57:15,600 --> 00:57:19,159
We were watching, like,
have some dignity, man.
1174
00:57:19,160 --> 00:57:21,679
You're bullying your
own bag with the kids.
1175
00:57:21,680 --> 00:57:23,640
You've got people
on the payroll.
1176
00:57:26,400 --> 00:57:27,959
At one point, all the
kids got their textbooks
1177
00:57:27,960 --> 00:57:31,119
out from school, and they
start ripping up the pages.
1178
00:57:31,120 --> 00:57:33,279
They're balling them up, and
then they have a full-on paper
1179
00:57:33,280 --> 00:57:35,399
snowball fight across
the whole carriage,
1180
00:57:35,400 --> 00:57:37,799
and we're all in
the crosshairs.
1181
00:57:37,800 --> 00:57:39,279
This is textbook
paper, remember.
1182
00:57:39,280 --> 00:57:41,200
It's glossy.
It's got hard edges.
1183
00:57:43,280 --> 00:57:46,359
At one point, one kid's got
a full-on paper snowball,
1184
00:57:46,360 --> 00:57:48,839
and his mate is on the
opposite end of the carriage.
1185
00:57:48,840 --> 00:57:51,199
And he throws it with
all the force of getting
1186
00:57:51,200 --> 00:57:52,599
his mate all the
way over there,
1187
00:57:52,600 --> 00:57:55,400
and he hits a woman
who's sat here.
1188
00:57:58,520 --> 00:57:59,999
Right in the face.
1189
00:58:00,000 --> 00:58:01,039
We all feel it.
1190
00:58:01,040 --> 00:58:02,839
Ugh!
1191
00:58:02,840 --> 00:58:04,479
Then another woman, who
didn't know this woman,
1192
00:58:04,480 --> 00:58:06,239
stood up and reprimanded
the entire gang.
1193
00:58:06,240 --> 00:58:08,639
So I don't know if you've
ever been on public transport
1194
00:58:08,640 --> 00:58:09,599
and a gang--
1195
00:58:09,600 --> 00:58:11,039
always men.
1196
00:58:11,040 --> 00:58:12,679
They could be 13, they
could be in their 60s,
1197
00:58:12,680 --> 00:58:14,079
but they've decided
to intimidate
1198
00:58:14,080 --> 00:58:15,239
everyone else
because they have not
1199
00:58:15,240 --> 00:58:16,759
processed their own shit yet.
1200
00:58:16,760 --> 00:58:19,439
Every time that happens,
it always gets to the point
1201
00:58:19,440 --> 00:58:22,479
where a lone woman
completely singlehandedly
1202
00:58:22,480 --> 00:58:25,039
is forced to confront
the entire gang,
1203
00:58:25,040 --> 00:58:28,600
while men like me sit there
going, please let this work.
1204
00:58:31,480 --> 00:58:35,399
I can't even look at her
because they'll hit me first.
1205
00:58:35,400 --> 00:58:36,599
Please protect this woman.
1206
00:58:36,600 --> 00:58:38,239
I'm sorry that I
got your son killed.
1207
00:58:38,240 --> 00:58:41,079
Surely that's water under
the bridge by now, big guy.
1208
00:58:41,080 --> 00:58:44,039
Come on, protect this woman.
1209
00:58:44,040 --> 00:58:46,279
She's like, you should all
be ashamed of yourselves.
1210
00:58:46,280 --> 00:58:49,119
And before she got any further,
the leader cut her down.
1211
00:58:49,120 --> 00:58:51,479
He shouted her down, said a
bunch of shit that I'm hoping,
1212
00:58:51,480 --> 00:58:54,879
because he's 13, he doesn't
understand the full weight of.
1213
00:58:54,880 --> 00:58:57,919
But it was fucked.
1214
00:58:57,920 --> 00:58:59,919
She sits down in silence.
1215
00:58:59,920 --> 00:59:03,719
Rest of the carriage is
sadder than it was before.
1216
00:59:03,720 --> 00:59:08,119
Next stop, an old man gets
up to leave the train.
1217
00:59:08,120 --> 00:59:09,679
All you need to know
about this old man
1218
00:59:09,680 --> 00:59:12,679
is that he was a--he was
bald, bald, no-hair man.
1219
00:59:12,680 --> 00:59:14,359
Had no hair on his
head, this man.
1220
00:59:14,360 --> 00:59:18,999
So they absolutely
annihilated him.
1221
00:59:19,000 --> 00:59:20,639
Whole way down
the aisle, they're
1222
00:59:20,640 --> 00:59:22,959
shouting bye-bye,
baldy, unoriginal shit
1223
00:59:22,960 --> 00:59:25,799
he's heard a million
times in his life.
1224
00:59:25,800 --> 00:59:27,479
And he stepped off
onto the platform,
1225
00:59:27,480 --> 00:59:30,279
and instead of
carrying on going,
1226
00:59:30,280 --> 00:59:32,759
he just turned
round, looked back
1227
00:59:32,760 --> 00:59:36,799
inside the carriage,
furious, eyeballs trembling,
1228
00:59:36,800 --> 00:59:38,439
just staring at these kids.
1229
00:59:38,440 --> 00:59:40,119
Then the doors
ding-ding to shut,
1230
00:59:40,120 --> 00:59:41,719
and as they're
shutting he just goes,
1231
00:59:41,720 --> 00:59:43,159
your parents do not love you!
1232
00:59:43,160 --> 00:59:44,400
And then it's shut,
and then the train--
1233
00:59:53,880 --> 01:00:00,480
Your parents do not love you.
1234
01:00:01,920 --> 01:00:04,000
Their parents are dead!
1235
01:00:10,200 --> 01:00:13,639
How the hell has no one
heckled that all tour?
1236
01:00:13,640 --> 01:00:16,039
The perfect callback.
1237
01:00:16,040 --> 01:00:21,319
Lovely to have a heckler in
who appreciates structure.
1238
01:00:21,320 --> 01:00:23,079
Also, two things--
1239
01:00:23,080 --> 01:00:27,839
I'm gutted that I myself did
not think of that callback.
1240
01:00:27,840 --> 01:00:30,239
I've done this show more
times than I care to remember,
1241
01:00:30,240 --> 01:00:33,919
and not once has that
occurred to me, even--
1242
01:00:33,920 --> 01:00:36,759
even mildly occurred to me.
1243
01:00:36,760 --> 01:00:39,399
And secondly, I'm actually
glad that I didn't think of it.
1244
01:00:39,400 --> 01:00:41,079
Because otherwise
I'd be furious
1245
01:00:41,080 --> 01:00:46,679
right now, if that was my
next line and you had said it.
1246
01:00:46,680 --> 01:00:49,639
Maybe one of them very
recently buried their mum.
1247
01:00:49,640 --> 01:00:52,599
Maybe one of--one of them
very recently buried their mum.
1248
01:00:52,600 --> 01:00:53,719
Yes, absolutely.
1249
01:00:53,720 --> 01:00:55,199
It's a brilliant
add-on to the joke.
1250
01:00:55,200 --> 01:00:56,559
Structurally, it's sound.
1251
01:00:56,560 --> 01:00:57,960
It was too dark, mate.
1252
01:01:00,080 --> 01:01:01,839
The way you said it as well.
1253
01:01:01,840 --> 01:01:04,839
The delivery of it
was very morbid.
1254
01:01:04,840 --> 01:01:10,279
Maybe one of them
very recently buried their mum.
1255
01:01:10,280 --> 01:01:12,679
Sent a chill up
everyone's spine.
1256
01:01:12,680 --> 01:01:15,119
What the fuck?
1257
01:01:15,120 --> 01:01:16,719
I know I said a similar thing.
1258
01:01:16,720 --> 01:01:18,719
That's exactly what I said
at the start of the show.
1259
01:01:18,720 --> 01:01:19,999
You remembered it verbatim.
1260
01:01:20,000 --> 01:01:21,799
It's very impressive.
1261
01:01:21,800 --> 01:01:22,920
But my God.
1262
01:01:25,920 --> 01:01:27,239
It was suicide for the kids.
1263
01:01:27,240 --> 01:01:28,799
I'll take the--
oh, hold on a second.
1264
01:01:28,800 --> 01:01:31,400
Uh, that guy has just
gone way too far.
1265
01:01:34,640 --> 01:01:36,159
So well done.
1266
01:01:36,160 --> 01:01:38,919
Everyone was thinking
that yours was a bit dark,
1267
01:01:38,920 --> 01:01:41,199
and then people heard
something that someone just
1268
01:01:41,200 --> 01:01:44,439
came up with by themselves.
1269
01:01:44,440 --> 01:01:45,919
Um, who's the
person who shouted?
1270
01:01:45,920 --> 01:01:47,039
Give me a little wave.
Hello, mate.
1271
01:01:47,040 --> 01:01:48,439
How are you.
What's your name?
1272
01:01:48,440 --> 01:01:49,679
- Richard.
- Richard.
1273
01:01:49,680 --> 01:01:50,879
Richard.
1274
01:01:50,880 --> 01:01:53,000
Um, what is wrong
with you, mate?
1275
01:01:56,240 --> 01:01:57,999
- Huh?
- How long have you got?
1276
01:01:58,000 --> 01:01:59,719
How long have I got?
Do you know what?
1277
01:01:59,720 --> 01:02:02,600
I've got as long as I like.
1278
01:02:04,440 --> 01:02:06,960
Your parents
do not love you!
1279
01:02:09,600 --> 01:02:11,039
- They're dead!
- They're dead.
1280
01:02:11,040 --> 01:02:12,159
Yeah, OK.
1281
01:02:12,160 --> 01:02:13,359
Let's do it all again.
1282
01:02:13,360 --> 01:02:15,000
Everyone remember
what they said.
1283
01:02:19,640 --> 01:02:21,439
Yeah, yeah.
1284
01:02:21,440 --> 01:02:22,879
Structurally, I
like--I love that.
1285
01:02:22,880 --> 01:02:25,559
That's a structural callback.
1286
01:02:25,560 --> 01:02:27,679
Uh, it's great to
hear it, absolutely.
1287
01:02:27,680 --> 01:02:29,159
You know, I'm annoyed
on two levels.
1288
01:02:29,160 --> 01:02:30,200
I'm annoyed that--
1289
01:02:31,640 --> 01:02:35,079
First of all, I
didn't think of that.
1290
01:02:35,080 --> 01:02:36,759
I've done this show God
knows how many times.
1291
01:02:36,760 --> 01:02:38,279
I've never thought
of that punchline.
1292
01:02:38,280 --> 01:02:41,719
And secondly, I'm glad that
I didn't do it, because--
1293
01:02:41,720 --> 01:02:43,799
because otherwise, I'd be very
annoyed that you've just got
1294
01:02:43,800 --> 01:02:45,239
to the punchline before me.
1295
01:02:45,240 --> 01:02:46,479
But that's great.
1296
01:02:46,480 --> 01:02:48,079
Your par--their
parents were dead.
1297
01:02:48,080 --> 01:02:50,200
Just were buried.
1298
01:02:52,440 --> 01:02:55,439
Oh, that's dark.
1299
01:02:55,440 --> 01:02:57,759
That is too--I mean, I
know that structurally,
1300
01:02:57,760 --> 01:02:58,759
that's sound as well.
1301
01:02:58,760 --> 01:02:59,999
I said that earlier.
1302
01:03:00,000 --> 01:03:01,639
But that was--
that was way too--
1303
01:03:01,640 --> 01:03:03,639
and you said it in a voice
that was like--
1304
01:03:03,640 --> 01:03:06,119
Maybe they finished
burying their parents recently.
1305
01:03:06,120 --> 01:03:08,519
And that was pretty--
that was pretty rough.
1306
01:03:08,520 --> 01:03:10,719
But like, you know, well
done, anyway, for trying.
1307
01:03:10,720 --> 01:03:12,239
Well done.
Well done.
1308
01:03:12,240 --> 01:03:13,320
It was suicide.
1309
01:03:14,720 --> 01:03:16,919
Whoa!
1310
01:03:16,920 --> 01:03:19,239
Whoa.
1311
01:03:19,240 --> 01:03:20,839
I don't know if some
of you heard that.
1312
01:03:20,840 --> 01:03:22,239
That was way dark.
1313
01:03:22,240 --> 01:03:23,519
You're out--you're
out of the woods now.
1314
01:03:23,520 --> 01:03:24,919
That was way darker.
1315
01:03:24,920 --> 01:03:26,519
What the hell?
1316
01:03:26,520 --> 01:03:27,479
Who said that?
1317
01:03:27,480 --> 01:03:28,439
Give me a wave.
1318
01:03:28,440 --> 01:03:29,399
Who said that?
1319
01:03:29,400 --> 01:03:30,439
What's your name?
1320
01:03:30,440 --> 01:03:33,279
- Richard.
- Richard.
1321
01:03:33,280 --> 01:03:34,760
What's wrong with you, Richard?
1322
01:03:36,920 --> 01:03:38,759
What is wrong with you, mate?
1323
01:03:38,760 --> 01:03:39,759
How long you got?
1324
01:03:39,760 --> 01:03:40,719
How long I got?
1325
01:03:40,720 --> 01:03:41,720
Quite a while.
1326
01:03:43,800 --> 01:03:45,079
Quite a while.
1327
01:03:45,080 --> 01:03:47,639
I mean, not as long as
I had the first time
1328
01:03:47,640 --> 01:03:52,320
you said that, but a
pretty long time, I guess.
1329
01:03:54,480 --> 01:03:56,719
And they just carried on
bullying everyone, these kids.
1330
01:03:56,720 --> 01:03:58,679
And now it was my turn.
1331
01:03:58,680 --> 01:04:01,039
I was sat in the
back row, praying
1332
01:04:01,040 --> 01:04:04,720
to God that these kids were
fans of "Would I Lie to You?"
1333
01:04:07,840 --> 01:04:09,719
And they surrounded me.
1334
01:04:09,720 --> 01:04:11,319
The leader sat in the
row in front of me.
1335
01:04:11,320 --> 01:04:12,319
He's got his back to me.
1336
01:04:12,320 --> 01:04:13,639
His mate sits opposite him.
1337
01:04:13,640 --> 01:04:14,599
They're dead-legging
each other.
1338
01:04:14,600 --> 01:04:16,999
They're paying me no mind.
1339
01:04:17,000 --> 01:04:19,759
Three of them stand
leaning against the wall
1340
01:04:19,760 --> 01:04:21,399
behind me, the back wall.
1341
01:04:21,400 --> 01:04:22,679
In my memory, they've got
toothpicks in their mouths.
1342
01:04:22,680 --> 01:04:23,959
I know that that's not real.
1343
01:04:23,960 --> 01:04:25,679
I know that's
make-believe in my head,
1344
01:04:25,680 --> 01:04:29,319
but that's how it felt. But
they were paying me no mind.
1345
01:04:29,320 --> 01:04:32,639
The final two kids
stand right here.
1346
01:04:32,640 --> 01:04:34,399
One of them's leant
against the luggage.
1347
01:04:34,400 --> 01:04:35,919
He's looking up and down the
carriage, paying me no mind.
1348
01:04:35,920 --> 01:04:38,079
But one of them,
flush to the seats,
1349
01:04:38,080 --> 01:04:43,879
eyeballing me the whole time,
paying me all of his mind.
1350
01:04:43,880 --> 01:04:46,919
And I'm sitting there, and I'm
just looking out the window.
1351
01:04:46,920 --> 01:04:51,359
I'm pretending like I've got no
idea any of this is happening,
1352
01:04:51,360 --> 01:04:54,439
like this is how I ride a
train in the modern day.
1353
01:04:54,440 --> 01:04:57,919
I don't sit there and scroll on
my phone like a normal person.
1354
01:04:57,920 --> 01:05:01,439
I look out the window like
an Enid Blyton character.
1355
01:05:01,440 --> 01:05:05,599
What a splendid day
on the railway!
1356
01:05:05,600 --> 01:05:07,999
Is that Cecil?
1357
01:05:08,000 --> 01:05:10,919
It's Cecil Armitage,
the rapscallion.
1358
01:05:10,920 --> 01:05:11,999
Toodle-oo, Cecil.
1359
01:05:12,000 --> 01:05:13,520
We're off to the city.
1360
01:05:19,400 --> 01:05:21,479
This kid.
1361
01:05:21,480 --> 01:05:23,759
Oi!
1362
01:05:23,760 --> 01:05:25,479
Look at him.
1363
01:05:25,480 --> 01:05:26,760
Fuck you looking at?
1364
01:05:29,640 --> 01:05:31,879
Exceptional work.
1365
01:05:31,880 --> 01:05:34,319
I was dancing with
the best of them.
1366
01:05:34,320 --> 01:05:35,399
Because here's the thing--
1367
01:05:35,400 --> 01:05:37,159
I know the rules of the jungle.
1368
01:05:37,160 --> 01:05:38,959
Someone says oi, you
got to acknowledge them.
1369
01:05:38,960 --> 01:05:41,879
But if you look at someone,
you're asking for trouble.
1370
01:05:41,880 --> 01:05:44,639
My only way out of that would
have been if this kid said oi,
1371
01:05:44,640 --> 01:05:46,319
and I'd gone--
1372
01:05:46,320 --> 01:05:52,479
Yes?
How may I help you, young chap?
1373
01:05:52,480 --> 01:05:53,719
It looks like rain.
1374
01:05:53,720 --> 01:05:55,000
I hope you brought
your galoshes.
1375
01:05:57,880 --> 01:06:00,119
Is that Montgomery?
1376
01:06:00,120 --> 01:06:03,959
It's Montgomery St. Stephens,
the ne'er-do-well.
1377
01:06:03,960 --> 01:06:06,239
Toodle-oo, Montgomery!
1378
01:06:06,240 --> 01:06:07,880
Merry Christmas
to you and yours.
1379
01:06:14,160 --> 01:06:15,719
Oi.
1380
01:06:15,720 --> 01:06:18,479
Fuck you looking at?
1381
01:06:18,480 --> 01:06:22,639
Oh, you said oi,
so I looked at you.
1382
01:06:22,640 --> 01:06:25,079
That's what I said.
1383
01:06:25,080 --> 01:06:28,079
The little kid sat at
a spinning wheel again.
1384
01:06:28,080 --> 01:06:31,480
Oh, you said oi,
so I looked at you.
1385
01:06:34,040 --> 01:06:38,159
You being fucking
cheeky to me, mate?
1386
01:06:38,160 --> 01:06:39,400
I'm 36 in this story.
1387
01:06:41,160 --> 01:06:42,719
Scientifically
impossible for me to be
1388
01:06:42,720 --> 01:06:46,039
cheeky to a 13-year-old boy.
1389
01:06:46,040 --> 01:06:47,399
But I didn't say that to him.
1390
01:06:47,400 --> 01:06:49,239
I didn't know what
to say to this kid.
1391
01:06:49,240 --> 01:06:51,359
I've seen everyone try every
approach with these teenagers.
1392
01:06:51,360 --> 01:06:53,039
None of it had worked.
1393
01:06:53,040 --> 01:06:55,639
I don't think I would have said
what I said at any other point
1394
01:06:55,640 --> 01:06:58,799
in my life, but I was
fresh out of lockdown.
1395
01:06:58,800 --> 01:07:00,239
I still had lockdown brain.
1396
01:07:00,240 --> 01:07:02,759
I was thinking like I
thought in lockdown.
1397
01:07:02,760 --> 01:07:04,599
I'd been talking
a lot in lockdown
1398
01:07:04,600 --> 01:07:06,919
about how I wanted to deal with
confrontation, especially when
1399
01:07:06,920 --> 01:07:08,199
it came to hecklers at gigs.
1400
01:07:08,200 --> 01:07:10,119
I'd been talking about
it loads during therapy
1401
01:07:10,120 --> 01:07:12,640
sessions over Zoom that I could
afford any time I felt like it.
1402
01:07:16,440 --> 01:07:17,879
So I was like, I'm
going to respond
1403
01:07:17,880 --> 01:07:20,679
to this child
like an adult.
1404
01:07:20,680 --> 01:07:24,080
I'm going to respond
with honesty.
1405
01:07:25,840 --> 01:07:27,680
You being fucking
cheeky to me, mate?
1406
01:07:31,160 --> 01:07:32,800
Why are you trying to scare me?
1407
01:07:39,440 --> 01:07:43,479
Oh, you're fucking
scared, are you?
1408
01:07:43,480 --> 01:07:46,119
Yeah, I am scared.
1409
01:07:46,120 --> 01:07:48,999
You're scaring me right now.
1410
01:07:49,000 --> 01:07:52,439
When I said, you're scaring me
right now, everything about
1411
01:07:52,440 --> 01:07:53,839
him changed.
1412
01:07:53,840 --> 01:07:55,959
The whole bravado just
melted away, and he was
1413
01:07:55,960 --> 01:07:57,559
just a 13-year-old kid again.
1414
01:07:57,560 --> 01:07:59,239
His face was proper
like, what have I become?
1415
01:07:59,240 --> 01:08:01,079
Like he's trying to take
it all in, what's gone on.
1416
01:08:01,080 --> 01:08:03,479
He starts panicking and looking
at the leader in front of me.
1417
01:08:03,480 --> 01:08:05,679
Now he's like a McDonald's
employee searching
1418
01:08:05,680 --> 01:08:07,479
for his supervisor,
who's just like,
1419
01:08:07,480 --> 01:08:08,439
this wasn't in the manual.
1420
01:08:08,440 --> 01:08:09,719
I need your help back here.
1421
01:08:09,720 --> 01:08:13,439
This one's saying he's scared.
1422
01:08:13,440 --> 01:08:14,839
The leader shot up.
1423
01:08:14,840 --> 01:08:16,199
He's looking down at me
over the back of his seat.
1424
01:08:16,200 --> 01:08:19,199
Fuck you scared for?
1425
01:08:19,200 --> 01:08:25,599
Uh, he said oi, so
I looked at him.
1426
01:08:25,600 --> 01:08:28,239
And he said, fuck
you looking at?
1427
01:08:28,240 --> 01:08:29,919
And I know that
sounds silly to you,
1428
01:08:29,920 --> 01:08:31,999
but I can't deal with that.
1429
01:08:32,000 --> 01:08:34,319
Like, I'm anxious at
the best of times.
1430
01:08:34,320 --> 01:08:37,359
If a stranger is directly
confrontational to me,
1431
01:08:37,360 --> 01:08:38,919
I'm going to freeze up.
1432
01:08:38,920 --> 01:08:40,559
And like, you've all been
throwing stuff in people's
1433
01:08:40,560 --> 01:08:41,759
faces and shouting people
down and intimidating
1434
01:08:41,760 --> 01:08:43,119
the whole carriage.
1435
01:08:43,120 --> 01:08:44,559
And now you've
completely surrounded me,
1436
01:08:44,560 --> 01:08:46,199
and I think in this
situation there's,
1437
01:08:46,200 --> 01:08:48,079
like, fight, flight, or flop,
and I'm flop every time.
1438
01:08:48,080 --> 01:08:49,639
I know that about myself.
1439
01:08:49,640 --> 01:08:51,359
So this is really
scary right now.
1440
01:08:51,360 --> 01:08:53,719
I'm genuinely scared.
1441
01:08:53,720 --> 01:08:57,239
And he looked at
me and he went,
1442
01:08:57,240 --> 01:08:58,439
right, give him some room.
1443
01:08:58,440 --> 01:08:59,599
He's scared.
1444
01:08:59,600 --> 01:09:01,919
Back away from him.
Back away.
1445
01:09:01,920 --> 01:09:03,119
Give him some space.
1446
01:09:03,120 --> 01:09:04,240
What are you
scaring people for?
1447
01:09:08,560 --> 01:09:10,479
Whole country's been through
enough for the last two years.
1448
01:09:10,480 --> 01:09:13,079
You're scaring
people on the train?
1449
01:09:13,080 --> 01:09:14,639
Yeah, yeah, real
proud of yourself.
1450
01:09:14,640 --> 01:09:16,360
Get those goddamn toothpicks
out of your mouths!
1451
01:09:20,880 --> 01:09:23,399
When I first told that
kid that I was scared,
1452
01:09:23,400 --> 01:09:25,679
I remember seeing all the other
adults in the train look at me
1453
01:09:25,680 --> 01:09:28,159
as if to say,
well, I guess this
1454
01:09:28,160 --> 01:09:29,720
is the first one of us to die.
1455
01:09:32,000 --> 01:09:34,399
When they left me alone,
everyone was like, sorry,
1456
01:09:34,400 --> 01:09:35,439
I could have said that?
1457
01:09:35,440 --> 01:09:36,439
I've been scared
the whole time.
1458
01:09:36,440 --> 01:09:37,479
What are you talking about?
1459
01:09:37,480 --> 01:09:38,839
You threw a bottle
of Coke at my eyes.
1460
01:09:38,840 --> 01:09:41,679
It's fucked up!
1461
01:09:41,680 --> 01:09:43,879
The rest of the journey,
they left everyone alone.
1462
01:09:43,880 --> 01:09:46,119
Just on their phones, they're
chatting amongst themselves.
1463
01:09:46,120 --> 01:09:48,159
We got to their stop
at Wellingborough
1464
01:09:48,160 --> 01:09:49,520
and they got off.
1465
01:09:53,760 --> 01:09:56,279
They all had to file past me
to get to the door, these kids.
1466
01:09:56,280 --> 01:09:58,919
I don't want to boast, but
four out of seven fist bumps.
1467
01:09:58,920 --> 01:10:00,439
Pretty good going.
That's pretty good.
1468
01:10:00,440 --> 01:10:02,119
It's not as cool when
they're accompanied
1469
01:10:02,120 --> 01:10:05,240
by the phrase "sorry we
scared you," but I'll take it.
1470
01:10:07,160 --> 01:10:08,919
You were the scariest
of them all, little man.
1471
01:10:08,920 --> 01:10:10,160
Home safe.
Home safe.
1472
01:10:14,200 --> 01:10:17,039
Look, that story, more than
any other story in this show,
1473
01:10:17,040 --> 01:10:20,199
I always want to stress to the
audience that it's 100% true.
1474
01:10:20,200 --> 01:10:23,559
Because I'm aware that
it doesn't sound true.
1475
01:10:23,560 --> 01:10:25,359
I'm aware that it
sounds like too
1476
01:10:25,360 --> 01:10:26,799
neat of a metaphor
for how I'm dealing
1477
01:10:26,800 --> 01:10:28,479
with hecklers these days.
1478
01:10:28,480 --> 01:10:30,839
And when I say that they all
left me alone as well, that's
1479
01:10:30,840 --> 01:10:32,439
the only thing I've ever
told my therapist where
1480
01:10:32,440 --> 01:10:34,239
he's been like,
what else you been
1481
01:10:34,240 --> 01:10:35,359
lying about over the years?
1482
01:10:35,360 --> 01:10:36,319
What's this?
1483
01:10:36,320 --> 01:10:37,399
They didn't leave you alone.
1484
01:10:37,400 --> 01:10:38,679
But they did.
1485
01:10:38,680 --> 01:10:40,759
Everything in that
story, 100% true.
1486
01:10:40,760 --> 01:10:41,959
All of it happened.
1487
01:10:41,960 --> 01:10:43,879
When the guy shouted, your
parents do not love you,
1488
01:10:43,880 --> 01:10:45,479
I actually saw that
on a different train,
1489
01:10:45,480 --> 01:10:47,359
and I airdropped
it into this story.
1490
01:10:47,360 --> 01:10:48,519
But all of it happened.
1491
01:10:48,520 --> 01:10:50,240
It's all true stuff that I saw.
1492
01:10:54,760 --> 01:10:56,519
Just so we can all leave
trusting each other,
1493
01:10:56,520 --> 01:10:59,039
there is one part of the
show which I did fabricate.
1494
01:10:59,040 --> 01:11:00,279
I'll just come
clean now and we can
1495
01:11:00,280 --> 01:11:01,759
all leave knowing what's what.
1496
01:11:01,760 --> 01:11:04,399
The only part of the
show that wasn't true
1497
01:11:04,400 --> 01:11:08,919
is when I told you that Stephen
Minney was my Cub Scout leader.
1498
01:11:08,920 --> 01:11:10,319
That's not true.
He wasn't.
1499
01:11:10,320 --> 01:11:11,799
He wasn't my Cub Scout leader.
1500
01:11:11,800 --> 01:11:13,239
He was my Venture Scout leader.
1501
01:11:13,240 --> 01:11:14,639
I was 15.
1502
01:11:14,640 --> 01:11:15,760
I didn't want to admit
that to you at the time.
1503
01:11:17,640 --> 01:11:19,479
But that is what happened.
1504
01:11:19,480 --> 01:11:21,199
And he wasn't
called Shere Khan.
1505
01:11:21,200 --> 01:11:23,600
He was called Steve, and I
still didn't put it together.
1506
01:11:32,000 --> 01:11:32,959
Uh, but no, thank you.
1507
01:11:32,960 --> 01:11:34,639
I appreciate all the heckles.
1508
01:11:34,640 --> 01:11:36,599
And listen, when I started
doing this show two years ago,
1509
01:11:36,600 --> 01:11:39,119
um, I didn't know what the
result of this experiment
1510
01:11:39,120 --> 01:11:40,719
would be.
1511
01:11:40,720 --> 01:11:42,239
I basically decided that I was
going to let the audience do
1512
01:11:42,240 --> 01:11:43,839
whatever they want,
so that it forced
1513
01:11:43,840 --> 01:11:47,079
me to address my own
shortcomings as a comedian.
1514
01:11:47,080 --> 01:11:49,719
But I didn't know what would
happen if I told you you could
1515
01:11:49,720 --> 01:11:51,399
do whatever you
wanted, and what
1516
01:11:51,400 --> 01:11:55,839
I've learnt is you were doing
whatever you wanted anyway.
1517
01:11:55,840 --> 01:11:58,279
None of you have behaved
any differently tonight
1518
01:11:58,280 --> 01:12:00,639
than you would have if
you'd seen me on a tour
1519
01:12:00,640 --> 01:12:02,399
with all the rules intact.
1520
01:12:02,400 --> 01:12:03,719
That's what I've learned,
is that some of you,
1521
01:12:03,720 --> 01:12:05,079
if you heckled, you would
have heckled anyway.
1522
01:12:05,080 --> 01:12:06,679
If you didn't,
you wouldn't have.
1523
01:12:06,680 --> 01:12:08,199
I've had every single type
of gig that I normally
1524
01:12:08,200 --> 01:12:10,719
have on tour, from
almost abject silence
1525
01:12:10,720 --> 01:12:14,039
for the whole two hours,
to laughter wall-to-wall,
1526
01:12:14,040 --> 01:12:15,999
to heckling constantly,
to one person
1527
01:12:16,000 --> 01:12:18,679
heckling and the whole room
turning on them, to gigs
1528
01:12:18,680 --> 01:12:20,519
that verge on violence
and we have to,
1529
01:12:20,520 --> 01:12:23,079
like--but that's every
tour I've ever done.
1530
01:12:23,080 --> 01:12:25,439
But I'm not trying
to change you guys.
1531
01:12:25,440 --> 01:12:27,879
I'm trying to change
my response to you,
1532
01:12:27,880 --> 01:12:31,519
and my response to
you used to be bad.
1533
01:12:31,520 --> 01:12:34,959
And whatever the situation,
I would tip it over.
1534
01:12:34,960 --> 01:12:38,079
So look, if you haven't
enjoyed the show tonight,
1535
01:12:38,080 --> 01:12:41,599
please take some
consolation in the fact it
1536
01:12:41,600 --> 01:12:42,800
used to be a lot worse.
1537
01:12:45,440 --> 01:12:47,120
A lot worse.
1538
01:12:54,400 --> 01:12:58,559
Trying to take care of myself
offstage as well as onstage.
1539
01:12:58,560 --> 01:13:00,039
That's where you do
most of your work, is--
1540
01:13:00,040 --> 01:13:01,279
I went on holiday.
1541
01:13:01,280 --> 01:13:02,839
I've tried to take
more time off,
1542
01:13:02,840 --> 01:13:04,560
you know, pumping the brakes
and taking a step back.
1543
01:13:07,400 --> 01:13:08,679
My girlfriend and
I went on holiday.
1544
01:13:08,680 --> 01:13:11,119
We went away for
a week to, uh--
1545
01:13:11,120 --> 01:13:14,679
to Disney World in Florida.
1546
01:13:14,680 --> 01:13:16,799
Brought the boy
with me, of course.
1547
01:13:16,800 --> 01:13:18,759
Like I'm going to put him
onstage in front of you guys
1548
01:13:18,760 --> 01:13:19,999
but not take him to Disney?
1549
01:13:20,000 --> 01:13:22,039
Come on, I'm not a monster.
1550
01:13:22,040 --> 01:13:24,919
And everyone we told we were
going to Disney for a week,
1551
01:13:24,920 --> 01:13:28,079
they all responded by
going, what, without kids?
1552
01:13:28,080 --> 01:13:30,639
Oh, we're taking kids with us.
1553
01:13:30,640 --> 01:13:33,199
I took the boy with me,
she brought the girl along,
1554
01:13:33,200 --> 01:13:34,959
and they had a great
time the whole week,
1555
01:13:34,960 --> 01:13:36,799
the boy and the girl running
around Disney having a blast.
1556
01:13:36,800 --> 01:13:38,159
Because for me--
1557
01:13:38,160 --> 01:13:39,759
I'm not going to end the
show by telling you what
1558
01:13:39,760 --> 01:13:40,759
makes a good relationship.
1559
01:13:40,760 --> 01:13:41,839
We're all different.
1560
01:13:41,840 --> 01:13:43,479
It's different for all of us.
1561
01:13:43,480 --> 01:13:45,519
But for me, a good relationship
is when you're not just
1562
01:13:45,520 --> 01:13:47,399
both getting on with each
other in the here and now,
1563
01:13:47,400 --> 01:13:51,519
but simultaneously, every
past version of yourselves
1564
01:13:51,520 --> 01:13:54,239
is getting on with
each other as well.
1565
01:13:54,240 --> 01:13:57,199
And you don't have to protect
your younger self around them,
1566
01:13:57,200 --> 01:14:00,039
because they like
them, they love them,
1567
01:14:00,040 --> 01:14:02,639
and they want to
protect them as well.
1568
01:14:02,640 --> 01:14:05,839
And look, I know
that bit isn't funny.
1569
01:14:05,840 --> 01:14:07,679
I know it's not a
funny bit, but that's
1570
01:14:07,680 --> 01:14:09,039
what happens if
you actually write
1571
01:14:09,040 --> 01:14:10,479
comedy from a place of love.
1572
01:14:10,480 --> 01:14:11,439
It's not funny.
1573
01:14:11,440 --> 01:14:13,519
That's the shittest
bit of the show.
1574
01:14:13,520 --> 01:14:14,959
Thank you so much
for coming, everyone.
1575
01:14:14,960 --> 01:14:15,919
You've been lovely.
1576
01:14:15,920 --> 01:14:17,199
I've had a lot of fun.
1577
01:14:17,200 --> 01:14:18,759
I'll see you another time.
Thank you.
1578
01:14:18,760 --> 01:14:20,560
Good night.