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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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亞士蘭廣場212號，後臺出入口

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現在廢話不多說

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請歡迎珍妮史雷上臺

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珍妮史雷：專業老道

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大家好

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大家好

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各位晚安

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很高興來到這裡

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我剛騎完馬現在通體舒暢

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大家好，心情怎麼樣？

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聽起來很不錯

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這間陰森劇院實在讓我渾身發毛

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在廢墟表演欸

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來會會阿飄？

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真是謝謝你

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這間劇院讓我想到

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《歌劇魅影》那部音樂劇的故事

20
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誰叫他們劇名太恐怖害我怕到不敢看

21
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也不是一下就這樣

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我不想看劇

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開什麼玩笑

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我實在不懂

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我不太懂

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是怎樣？布簾拉起來

27
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然後一個人出來

28
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你能看到一個人

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啪噠啪噠走出來叫一聲

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“媽媽”

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你心想：“我知道是妳

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“我知道妳叫凱特琳

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00:02:48,711 --> 00:02:51,463
“我看過《節目單》
不懂演什麼東西”

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“那聽起來好像

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“女演員不滿他們沒叫她去演”

36
00:03:02,600 --> 00:03:06,896
今晚我來是因為催眠師說我專業老道

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00:03:06,979 --> 00:03:09,064
現在我深信不疑

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非常謝謝

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我相信，我有花時間

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我來做這場表演

41
00:03:20,910 --> 00:03:26,040
只是想盡量多分享

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分享到不用吃牢飯的程度

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那是我的底線

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一開始我想先暖場

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大家好，我是珍妮史雷，是麥克風控

46
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不想劈頭就講疫情弄糟大家心情

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我們需要聊一聊

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大家都辛苦了

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封城期間

50
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沒辦法每天拿麥克風

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00:04:04,036 --> 00:04:05,829
實在很難熬

52
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不能馬上對幾百人到上千人

53
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聊聊自己的心裡話

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疫情期間我有用麥克風

55
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是我的婚禮

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我爸和公公七老八十都有戴助聽器

57
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他們常去海邊玩水

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助聽器泡水就罵粗話

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我媽打電話給我說

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“妳爸到社區中心泳池
助聽器又泡水”

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真煩，打給別的女兒好不好

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討厭欸，南希，什麼都來找我哀

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我媽人很好

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她讓我刷她的萬事達卡很久

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我都沒還她錢

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大白痴

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計時看我媽幾時會關掉這部喜劇特輯

68
00:05:09,309 --> 00:05:11,145
她會說：“老朗，我要睡了”

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婚禮我有拿麥克風

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我們希望我的父親們聽到結婚誓詞

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雖然他們只離我們一公尺半

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我發誓我的小手拿到麥克風

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好像瞬間通電

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真的

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我要憋住不讓自己爆走

76
00:05:34,626 --> 00:05:37,713
“牙醫是怎樣？想出來沒？”

77
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淡定一點

78
00:05:40,174 --> 00:05:44,053
就走進禮堂告訴妳遇過最好的男人

79
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希望他們會娶妳

80
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別發神經，這是我的原則

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不管是結婚還是治療

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都要理智

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00:05:56,732 --> 00:05:59,568
別想搞笑留住人家

84
00:06:10,204 --> 00:06:12,706
還有一件事要說一下

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我這樣鋪陳

86
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就是要讓你們知道我的身分

87
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我想努力

88
00:06:21,090 --> 00:06:25,135
多說“胸部”這兩個字

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不是突然冒出一句“胸部”

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我開始說胸部

91
00:06:34,228 --> 00:06:36,647
你們有沒有想過

92
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要露出一副精明樣

93
00:06:41,068 --> 00:06:43,278
醫生才不會放棄你？

94
00:06:45,447 --> 00:06:48,117
你可能沒這個問題

95
00:06:48,200 --> 00:06:52,412
我最近差點就要開口問

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“是要做乳房檢查

97
00:06:54,456 --> 00:06:56,667
“還是你要瞄一下我的鮑魚？”

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說到我的胸部，不騙你

99
00:07:03,590 --> 00:07:06,093
用一句話跟你說

100
00:07:06,176 --> 00:07:09,596
就像用新字造句一樣

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我的胸部

102
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生小孩前我的胸部

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就是全B罩杯

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Q彈帶勁，珍妮去到猶太會堂

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都是兩粒滿滿B罩杯，沒什麼

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有點像是

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你們有沒有這種經驗

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在高檔餐廳吃一小碗義大利麵？

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這麼少？

110
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然後一吃就飽了

111
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就是這樣，然後我生下女兒

112
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餵奶時我嚇一大跳

113
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我命太好

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兩粒大到像A片女優大波霸

115
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雙D罩杯超天然母乳

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我興奮到不行

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我照鏡子

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不由自主變成色色的青少年

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看到這兩粒木瓜奶就想撩自己

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說真的

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我平常不覺得怪怪女生很漂亮

122
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今晚我被妳煞到了，妹子

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對

124
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看到自己身材就慾火焚身

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整個人語無倫次

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害我很想架好手機

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設成慢動作拍那兩粒上下彈

128
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脹奶也是很痛啦

129
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有一好沒兩好

130
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我生完小孩就想說

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雙D罩杯一定會消風

132
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應該也會有全C罩杯吧

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才不是，你們有沒有放過氣球？

134
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就像這樣

135
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最後氣球皮掉在地上

136
00:09:29,069 --> 00:09:30,696
我大叫別消風

137
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現在我的胸部像是

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長毛的鬆餅？

139
00:09:42,915 --> 00:09:45,294
小巧玲瓏又誘人

140
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我老公說很撩人

141
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平到只有奶頭而已，好驚人

142
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我喜歡這樣

143
00:09:56,430 --> 00:09:59,641
讓我想到芭蕾女舞者

144
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嚴格要求的小胸部

145
00:10:02,853 --> 00:10:05,689
這是老娘的胸部

146
00:10:07,024 --> 00:10:09,192
要摸就自己找

147
00:10:12,029 --> 00:10:14,156
我覺得有點怪

148
00:10:14,239 --> 00:10:17,075
我好像撂下話說我有小孩？

149
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好像看過她很熟

150
00:10:21,163 --> 00:10:22,664
她是我的

151
00:10:23,081 --> 00:10:24,124
我有一個女兒

152
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她健康可愛，她不是我的梗

153
00:10:27,169 --> 00:10:29,463
打死我都不會拿她開玩笑

154
00:10:31,673 --> 00:10:35,093
我生過小孩，我不是想避開話題

155
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也不是否認，我生過小孩

156
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她是存在，感覺還是半信半疑

157
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我很難理解

158
00:10:49,483 --> 00:10:51,610
我懷孕很久

159
00:10:51,693 --> 00:10:53,737
我知道

160
00:10:53,820 --> 00:10:57,157
就算去醫院的路上

161
00:10:57,240 --> 00:11:01,828
我肚子很痛，開始有東西漏出來

162
00:11:03,080 --> 00:11:04,581
我心想

163
00:11:05,499 --> 00:11:08,001
“有點感覺有人會換上來”

164
00:11:11,546 --> 00:11:15,926
就是一種很不尋常的經驗

165
00:11:16,009 --> 00:11:18,845
感覺不像我會做的事

166
00:11:22,974 --> 00:11:26,311
我會約會四次凌晨2點就去敲人家門

167
00:11:26,395 --> 00:11:29,481
大喊我要告訴你我愛你？我會

168
00:11:30,232 --> 00:11:32,859
我做過很不尋常的事，但生小孩？

169
00:11:32,943 --> 00:11:37,155
看起來不像我會做的事

170
00:11:37,989 --> 00:11:41,660
每次遇到困難或不想做的事

171
00:11:41,743 --> 00:11:44,371
我都有辦法脫身或被趕走

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00:11:46,665 --> 00:11:48,500
就是感覺很…

173
00:11:48,583 --> 00:11:51,920
我就是感覺這個緣分還沒到

174
00:11:52,003 --> 00:11:54,131
我想有小孩

175
00:11:54,214 --> 00:11:56,842
是說一定要我去生嗎？

176
00:11:58,051 --> 00:12:02,764
這種感覺就像是

177
00:12:02,848 --> 00:12:05,475
記得有一次我打開電子郵件

178
00:12:05,559 --> 00:12:10,313
收到電影《牠》潘尼懷斯角色試鏡

179
00:12:16,403 --> 00:12:18,363
對

180
00:12:18,780 --> 00:12:20,449
我很想要你們都說

181
00:12:20,532 --> 00:12:23,285
“她亂掰的笑話好好笑

182
00:12:24,828 --> 00:12:29,291
“憑空杜撰出
她這種好人絕不會遇到的事”

183
00:12:31,126 --> 00:12:32,544
其實

184
00:12:33,253 --> 00:12:34,921
我點開信，內容寫說

185
00:12:35,005 --> 00:12:37,424
“我們安排妳參加

186
00:12:37,507 --> 00:12:41,428
“潘尼懷斯角色試鏡”
我整個傻眼

187
00:12:46,808 --> 00:12:49,269
心想什麼鬼？

188
00:12:49,352 --> 00:12:51,229
不可能

189
00:12:52,481 --> 00:12:53,565
叫我演

190
00:12:55,984 --> 00:12:57,652
會殺人

191
00:12:59,279 --> 00:13:00,947
綁架的

192
00:13:02,115 --> 00:13:04,117
禿頭男小丑吧？

193
00:13:11,333 --> 00:13:15,337
我還很樂天想說應該不是

194
00:13:15,420 --> 00:13:18,715
搞不好這其實是

195
00:13:18,798 --> 00:13:21,426
很反猶太的浪漫喜劇

196
00:13:23,178 --> 00:13:25,305
在講一個怪女人

197
00:13:25,388 --> 00:13:27,891
生活渾渾噩噩名叫潘尼懷斯

198
00:13:27,974 --> 00:13:29,059
屁咧

199
00:13:30,477 --> 00:13:34,397
她在撿零錢放屁還是怎樣，誰知道

200
00:13:34,481 --> 00:13:35,524
不管了

201
00:13:35,607 --> 00:13:37,442
沒魚蝦也好

202
00:13:37,526 --> 00:13:41,029
想像製片

203
00:13:43,949 --> 00:13:45,200
坐在那邊

204
00:13:47,369 --> 00:13:49,371
找來史柯斯嘉的小孩

205
00:13:52,790 --> 00:13:53,959
然後說

206
00:13:54,042 --> 00:13:57,837
“珍妮史雷來演這個角色呢？”

207
00:14:02,425 --> 00:14:06,596
兩個男人和一個厭女妹說

208
00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:08,306
“有意思，阿崔

209
00:14:12,143 --> 00:14:15,730
“老實說有看頭也很另類”

210
00:14:17,607 --> 00:14:20,360
當時我的經紀人

211
00:14:20,443 --> 00:14:22,237
現在沒合作了

212
00:14:26,449 --> 00:14:29,953
就說：“看這個笨蛋會不會上當”

213
00:14:32,497 --> 00:14:35,125
真的很傷人

214
00:14:35,208 --> 00:14:37,627
害我難過到不行

215
00:14:38,545 --> 00:14:41,339
後來我很怕，心想

216
00:14:41,423 --> 00:14:43,925
“想像我去試鏡”

217
00:14:45,260 --> 00:14:49,014
你知道名人的某些影片怎麼流出去

218
00:14:51,600 --> 00:14:55,186
想像一下，我弄了頭髮並做這動作

219
00:15:01,359 --> 00:15:03,445
太傷人了

220
00:15:04,779 --> 00:15:06,489
我們就到醫院

221
00:15:06,573 --> 00:15:12,537
我要很快說一下

222
00:15:12,621 --> 00:15:16,833
我是自然產

223
00:15:20,211 --> 00:15:21,254
對

224
00:15:22,422 --> 00:15:24,424
她今晚有來，拉她出來

225
00:15:26,509 --> 00:15:28,428
這是最扯的事

226
00:15:28,511 --> 00:15:31,264
是不是很怪？這個耶

227
00:15:31,348 --> 00:15:33,433
這是我的鮑魚陰道

228
00:15:33,516 --> 00:15:36,436
從這裡生出來，只此一個

229
00:15:37,979 --> 00:15:40,315
不是她甜筒掉地上

230
00:15:40,398 --> 00:15:42,567
她很乖就能再拿一個

231
00:15:43,693 --> 00:15:47,322
妳有就要照顧好，永遠跟著妳

232
00:15:48,490 --> 00:15:50,408
其實

233
00:15:50,492 --> 00:15:52,118
不太確定這段的梗是什麼

234
00:15:52,202 --> 00:15:55,205
我很想在錄影前就想出來

235
00:15:56,665 --> 00:15:59,668
妳能做生產計畫

236
00:15:59,751 --> 00:16:01,711
妳能有計畫和歌單

237
00:16:01,795 --> 00:16:04,255
命好的話還有另一半

238
00:16:04,339 --> 00:16:08,301
協助的人或醫生，要什麼都有

239
00:16:08,385 --> 00:16:10,178
真的可以

240
00:16:10,261 --> 00:16:13,682
重點是這段過程只有妳一個人

241
00:16:15,600 --> 00:16:16,685
好了

242
00:16:19,979 --> 00:16:22,190
不好笑是不是

243
00:16:29,322 --> 00:16:34,452
我生小孩的經驗是很正面的

244
00:16:34,536 --> 00:16:38,540
不是我美美生完很順利

245
00:16:38,623 --> 00:16:43,503
只是我喜歡這種感覺

246
00:16:43,586 --> 00:16:46,214
應該是吧

247
00:16:46,297 --> 00:16:49,676
也喜歡我老公的反應

248
00:16:49,759 --> 00:16:53,555
他幫我很多，生完後他說

249
00:16:53,638 --> 00:16:57,517
“看嬰兒從產道出來
就像在看變魔術”

250
00:17:06,901 --> 00:17:08,903
你知道那種魔術師

251
00:17:10,488 --> 00:17:13,031
一上臺

252
00:17:13,907 --> 00:17:16,536
就連叫21小時？

253
00:17:18,496 --> 00:17:23,001
魔術師表演那個招牌魔術

254
00:17:23,084 --> 00:17:27,505
把他們畢生會的魔術

255
00:17:28,339 --> 00:17:30,550
通通“屎”出來？

256
00:17:31,342 --> 00:17:34,763
加上變回過去的屎

257
00:17:36,181 --> 00:17:39,267
還有未來還沒成形的屎

258
00:17:39,350 --> 00:17:41,895
我們沒那種食物什麼的

259
00:17:43,855 --> 00:17:48,693
很像他們從燕尾服拉出圍巾

260
00:17:49,569 --> 00:17:51,988
只是想像那條圍巾滿滿的屎

261
00:17:56,409 --> 00:17:58,912
生產是一個傳送門

262
00:17:58,995 --> 00:18:01,498
是妳觸摸無限的傳送門

263
00:18:01,581 --> 00:18:04,626
妳帶一個人來世上，自己也在改變

264
00:18:05,251 --> 00:18:08,254
妳也會拉屎

265
00:18:08,338 --> 00:18:10,173
直接把妳拉回現實

266
00:18:12,425 --> 00:18:15,428
回到妳情緒不穩的時候

267
00:18:16,846 --> 00:18:19,140
還有

268
00:18:19,224 --> 00:18:23,061
我有拉一條便便

269
00:18:25,271 --> 00:18:26,773
在分娩時

270
00:18:27,899 --> 00:18:31,236
我說

271
00:18:31,361 --> 00:18:33,613
“天啊，我認識你”

272
00:18:38,201 --> 00:18:40,203
我說：“不會吧

273
00:18:43,164 --> 00:18:47,210
“你七年級時有參加
蒙特婁管弦樂團之旅？”

274
00:18:49,087 --> 00:18:51,756
“我認識你，你是加拿大人”

275
00:18:51,840 --> 00:18:53,800
講一下當時的我

276
00:18:53,883 --> 00:18:56,803
我七年級時身高不到90公分

277
00:19:00,139 --> 00:19:03,977
小提琴拉得很爛，大家都討厭我

278
00:19:08,565 --> 00:19:11,109
我們出發前

279
00:19:11,192 --> 00:19:14,153
我媽就說：“珍妮

280
00:19:14,237 --> 00:19:17,240
“記得要吃乳糖不耐症藥”

281
00:19:17,323 --> 00:19:21,160
我說：“好啦
我才不要變成公認的呆子”

282
00:19:21,244 --> 00:19:25,665
我們出發來到蒙特婁的硬石餐廳

283
00:19:30,086 --> 00:19:34,716
那裡是全世界猶太人最少的地方

284
00:19:37,343 --> 00:19:40,930
以前去餐廳都是跟我爸媽去

285
00:19:41,014 --> 00:19:44,934
我整個放牛吃草，高興到不敢相信

286
00:19:45,018 --> 00:19:48,771
我坐在受歡迎的同學那桌

287
00:19:48,980 --> 00:19:52,108
原本以為會有人叫我走開

288
00:19:52,191 --> 00:19:54,360
結果好像沒人發現

289
00:19:54,444 --> 00:19:56,696
我就叫自己別出糗

290
00:19:57,196 --> 00:20:01,618
坐他們旁邊說不定就不會被趕走

291
00:20:01,701 --> 00:20:05,288
老實說我長大談戀愛也是這個觀念

292
00:20:06,372 --> 00:20:11,336
印象中有同學說

293
00:20:11,419 --> 00:20:14,714
“好，我們要

294
00:20:14,797 --> 00:20:16,466
“雙層起司披薩

295
00:20:16,549 --> 00:20:19,135
“這桌還要爆漿起司條

296
00:20:19,218 --> 00:20:21,179
“你們要爆漿起司條？很好

297
00:20:22,221 --> 00:20:26,059
“玉米片要滿出來，酸奶油也要

298
00:20:26,142 --> 00:20:29,354
“最後每人一杯奶昔

299
00:20:30,730 --> 00:20:32,982
“好不好？你們要叫這些嗎？”

300
00:20:33,066 --> 00:20:36,903
我就說：“太好了”

301
00:20:39,989 --> 00:20:43,618
受歡迎的基督教徒同學叫一堆奶製品

302
00:20:45,954 --> 00:20:47,705
我心想裝到底就過關

303
00:20:48,539 --> 00:20:51,626
我們出國說不定我不會有反應

304
00:20:54,170 --> 00:20:55,588
我…

305
00:20:55,713 --> 00:20:57,590
每吃一種奶製品

306
00:20:57,674 --> 00:21:02,845
應該要吃一兩顆乳糖不耐症藥

307
00:21:03,513 --> 00:21:06,349
結果我沒吃半顆

308
00:21:08,559 --> 00:21:11,396
我整個人超嗨

309
00:21:12,021 --> 00:21:14,524
就像在吃國王的大餐

310
00:21:14,607 --> 00:21:16,901
拼命吃爆漿起司條

311
00:21:16,985 --> 00:21:19,570
就像海象在吞鯖魚

312
00:21:19,654 --> 00:21:22,490
猛吞

313
00:21:23,449 --> 00:21:26,285
奶昔吸到底不留一滴

314
00:21:26,369 --> 00:21:29,789
給我吸光

315
00:21:33,668 --> 00:21:37,755
我從這桌站起來

316
00:21:37,839 --> 00:21:42,051
聽得到我的括約肌在大叫憋不住了

317
00:21:43,177 --> 00:21:44,929
我就這樣兩腿夾緊

318
00:21:47,724 --> 00:21:51,144
“再見，很高興跟你們一起聊天”

319
00:21:56,149 --> 00:21:57,567
我印象中

320
00:21:57,650 --> 00:22:00,111
今晚要表演給你們看

321
00:22:00,194 --> 00:22:04,073
我得掀開創傷的布簾，另一邊是

322
00:22:04,157 --> 00:22:06,868
史上發生過最慘的事

323
00:22:07,076 --> 00:22:10,997
我印象中蒙特婁的硬石餐廳

324
00:22:12,040 --> 00:22:15,376
要走250階下去

325
00:22:16,961 --> 00:22:18,254
才能離開餐廳

326
00:22:19,589 --> 00:22:21,007
然後

327
00:22:22,133 --> 00:22:25,553
我每走一階就閃一點，懂意思吧？

328
00:22:27,680 --> 00:22:29,891
對

329
00:22:30,266 --> 00:22:34,020
就像是孔雀開屏

330
00:22:37,440 --> 00:22:38,858
滿滿的屎花

331
00:22:42,945 --> 00:22:44,405
在餐廳裡面

332
00:22:46,866 --> 00:22:47,867
你知道

333
00:22:49,827 --> 00:22:51,537
我想要積極樂觀

334
00:22:51,621 --> 00:22:53,831
我很喜歡自己的一點

335
00:22:56,167 --> 00:22:59,087
就是我覺得身為一個人類

336
00:22:59,170 --> 00:23:01,881
我非常瞭解我的生物時鐘

337
00:23:01,964 --> 00:23:05,927
從小就這樣

338
00:23:06,010 --> 00:23:08,638
你知道那種感覺

339
00:23:08,721 --> 00:23:11,557
一個人能預感自己快死了？

340
00:23:16,854 --> 00:23:19,690
就像心裡深處知道

341
00:23:19,774 --> 00:23:22,985
我快死了

342
00:23:25,154 --> 00:23:27,865
你小時候養的寵物

343
00:23:27,949 --> 00:23:29,659
會不會躲起來死掉？

344
00:23:29,742 --> 00:23:34,163
像貓會躲到電腦桌後面死掉？

345
00:23:40,128 --> 00:23:43,631
現場Z世代的人會說
“什麼電腦桌？

346
00:23:50,805 --> 00:23:53,766
“現在電腦都放身上，白痴啊”

347
00:24:01,023 --> 00:24:04,735
你朋友說
“我們找不到奧利奧三天了

348
00:24:05,945 --> 00:24:08,948
“然後我阿姨到電腦桌後面看

349
00:24:09,740 --> 00:24:11,367
“奧利奧拉出了

350
00:24:11,450 --> 00:24:14,620
“一粒灰色的屎就死了”

351
00:24:15,663 --> 00:24:18,416
我就是這樣，我說：“死定了

352
00:24:18,499 --> 00:24:19,917
“我快死了

353
00:24:20,001 --> 00:24:22,920
“最好到地下挖個洞鑽進去”

354
00:24:23,921 --> 00:24:29,302
我七年級時這麼小隻
躲到地下商場

355
00:24:29,385 --> 00:24:31,012
找到廁所

356
00:24:31,095 --> 00:24:35,099
一下狂拉稀

357
00:24:35,183 --> 00:24:37,518
一下狂吐

358
00:24:38,352 --> 00:24:40,771
我知道，真心謝謝你

359
00:24:42,690 --> 00:24:44,901
好想把這段錄成語音備忘錄

360
00:24:44,984 --> 00:24:47,028
晚點就能放來自摸

361
00:24:52,992 --> 00:24:56,954
你們有沒有吐到全身癱軟到不行

362
00:24:57,038 --> 00:24:59,248
抓住馬桶說

363
00:24:59,332 --> 00:25:01,751
“老娘跟你拼了”

364
00:25:03,085 --> 00:25:07,215
但一看就知道我是弱不禁風的人

365
00:25:07,298 --> 00:25:09,759
小小身軀只好躺平

366
00:25:10,885 --> 00:25:12,845
就在我

367
00:25:12,929 --> 00:25:15,932
躺在那個地下商場的地磚前

368
00:25:16,015 --> 00:25:18,517
有看一眼馬桶

369
00:25:19,560 --> 00:25:22,980
而我生小孩拉的便便
就跟那個一模一樣

370
00:25:25,316 --> 00:25:26,817
非常謝謝

371
00:25:32,198 --> 00:25:33,199
生小孩

372
00:25:35,868 --> 00:25:37,453
我有打無痛分娩

373
00:25:38,496 --> 00:25:41,707
不知道無痛分娩的人

374
00:25:41,791 --> 00:25:45,002
我不太想跟你解釋，你應該知道

375
00:25:46,671 --> 00:25:48,756
不知道的人，應該要知道

376
00:25:48,839 --> 00:25:50,675
我知道束腹帶

377
00:26:00,226 --> 00:26:02,687
好嗆好嗆

378
00:26:04,730 --> 00:26:08,401
我有打無痛分娩

379
00:26:08,484 --> 00:26:09,777
再見，小可愛

380
00:26:12,863 --> 00:26:16,325
別滾下去

381
00:26:26,002 --> 00:26:27,920
好了

382
00:26:29,547 --> 00:26:32,341
我有打無痛分娩，我很需要

383
00:26:32,425 --> 00:26:34,176
我怕到不行

384
00:26:34,260 --> 00:26:37,138
不知道嬰兒從我陰道出來的感覺

385
00:26:37,847 --> 00:26:41,183
我一點也不想知道

386
00:26:41,934 --> 00:26:44,437
就是很恐怖，會炸裂

387
00:26:44,520 --> 00:26:47,898
生小孩運氣好的人陰道會炸裂

388
00:26:47,982 --> 00:26:50,318
那是妳遇過最美好的事

389
00:26:50,401 --> 00:26:52,445
自己找笑點

390
00:26:52,987 --> 00:26:56,407
陰道炸裂是最好的狀況

391
00:26:56,490 --> 00:26:59,577
我真的要說

392
00:26:59,660 --> 00:27:05,082
大家對無痛分娩的反應

393
00:27:05,166 --> 00:27:08,961
沒人像我

394
00:27:09,045 --> 00:27:10,838
這麼樂天

395
00:27:10,921 --> 00:27:14,258
那晚我打無痛分娩前

396
00:27:14,342 --> 00:27:18,554
就一直歇斯底里哀號說我不行

397
00:27:18,637 --> 00:27:20,765
然後打完無痛分娩

398
00:27:20,848 --> 00:27:23,059
“聖塔非是什麼樣子？

399
00:27:26,937 --> 00:27:28,939
“老娘現在超順的

400
00:27:29,648 --> 00:27:31,901
“麻煩再給我義大利冰”

401
00:27:33,319 --> 00:27:34,278
吸一小口

402
00:27:34,653 --> 00:27:37,531
一邊用木湯匙吃冰

403
00:27:37,615 --> 00:27:40,534
一邊想說再40分鐘

404
00:27:40,618 --> 00:27:43,454
我就會從陰蒂裂到肛門

405
00:27:43,537 --> 00:27:46,916
一點都不擔心

406
00:27:49,126 --> 00:27:51,420
如果現場有孕婦，算我沒說

407
00:27:55,049 --> 00:27:56,967
真的

408
00:28:00,805 --> 00:28:04,850
小孩生出來後

409
00:28:05,267 --> 00:28:08,521
我的陰道炸裂，好像說很多次

410
00:28:08,604 --> 00:28:11,482
多說幾次很重要，真的有發生

411
00:28:11,565 --> 00:28:14,652
我不會惦惦不出聲，我的陰道炸裂

412
00:28:16,529 --> 00:28:17,905
不過

413
00:28:18,322 --> 00:28:21,367
那個事件發生後15分鐘

414
00:28:21,450 --> 00:28:24,829
以為衛生局長會打電話來關心說

415
00:28:24,912 --> 00:28:28,040
“恭喜，太驚人了”

416
00:28:29,500 --> 00:28:31,419
發生的事很怪

417
00:28:31,502 --> 00:28:34,088
最怪的是我一生完就說

418
00:28:34,171 --> 00:28:36,132
“我想看《柏靈頓熊熊出任務》”

419
00:28:40,136 --> 00:28:43,264
比《柏靈頓熊愛趴趴走》好看
這部超好看

420
00:28:43,347 --> 00:28:46,392
反正看過電影的人就會知道

421
00:28:46,475 --> 00:28:47,810
就算剛生完小孩

422
00:28:47,893 --> 00:28:50,604
也會想看柏靈頓

423
00:28:51,147 --> 00:28:52,898
卡司很棒，很好看

424
00:28:54,483 --> 00:28:56,819
他們不讓我看

425
00:28:56,902 --> 00:28:58,821
說我還有別的事要做

426
00:28:58,904 --> 00:29:02,032
為人父母就是這樣，不能太自我

427
00:29:03,576 --> 00:29:06,620
15分鐘後護士進來

428
00:29:07,037 --> 00:29:09,707
我以為她要跟我說壞消息

429
00:29:09,790 --> 00:29:11,208
說妳完了

430
00:29:11,959 --> 00:29:15,212
她說：“去尿尿”

431
00:29:16,297 --> 00:29:19,550
我說：“什麼？”

432
00:29:21,469 --> 00:29:24,680
她叫我去尿尿

433
00:29:26,599 --> 00:29:28,100
我有點傻眼

434
00:29:29,059 --> 00:29:33,731
不會我下面裂到開花

435
00:29:33,814 --> 00:29:35,774
還要叫我尿出來吧？

436
00:29:36,233 --> 00:29:37,568
好怪喔

437
00:29:37,651 --> 00:29:41,071
手割傷的人傷口千萬別沾到尿喔

438
00:29:42,281 --> 00:29:44,867
為什麼怪事連連？

439
00:29:44,950 --> 00:29:48,704
叫我去尿尿好像不太對吧，超怪的

440
00:29:48,787 --> 00:29:53,125
但他們非要妳去尿不可，然後…

441
00:29:53,209 --> 00:29:56,378
然後他們說一聲再見就趕妳出院

442
00:29:57,630 --> 00:29:59,131
妳一定要走

443
00:29:59,215 --> 00:30:02,176
好怪，大家看到我都問小孩怎麼樣？

444
00:30:02,259 --> 00:30:05,095
你知道我下面裂成什麼德性嗎？

445
00:30:06,096 --> 00:30:09,350
說真的如果是男人

446
00:30:10,267 --> 00:30:13,395
龜頭炸裂開來生出小孩

447
00:30:15,022 --> 00:30:17,274
大家就會說

448
00:30:18,442 --> 00:30:19,860
“有聽說史考特的事嗎？”

449
00:30:25,574 --> 00:30:28,285
大家都會替他難過

450
00:30:28,911 --> 00:30:33,832
龜頭有個三長兩短簡直就是大不幸

451
00:30:34,416 --> 00:30:37,211
你在派對看到史考特

452
00:30:37,294 --> 00:30:39,588
就算他個性超差

453
00:30:39,672 --> 00:30:43,092
你也會正眼看他給他比讚

454
00:30:44,468 --> 00:30:48,138
史考特吃到一半站起來說

455
00:30:48,222 --> 00:30:52,101
“抱歉，我要上廁所”

456
00:30:52,518 --> 00:30:55,104
大家會很心疼並問說

457
00:30:57,523 --> 00:31:00,192
“史考特，要不要背後熊抱

458
00:31:00,276 --> 00:31:01,944
“你比較好尿？”

459
00:31:04,738 --> 00:31:06,323
大家一定都有同感

460
00:31:06,407 --> 00:31:09,243
我在疫情爆發第一晚懷孕

461
00:31:11,495 --> 00:31:13,330
浪漫吧？

462
00:31:15,124 --> 00:31:18,335
當時的狀況

463
00:31:18,419 --> 00:31:21,171
放心，我不會講火辣床事

464
00:31:23,340 --> 00:31:25,884
當時的狀況是

465
00:31:25,968 --> 00:31:30,514
我跟我老公知道洛杉磯快要封城

466
00:31:30,598 --> 00:31:33,851
應該開車回到麻薩諸塞

467
00:31:33,934 --> 00:31:37,313
我們還沒淡定對看

468
00:31:37,396 --> 00:31:40,024
做出決定前，我就大喊快走

469
00:31:40,107 --> 00:31:43,402
然後衝到外面

470
00:31:45,070 --> 00:31:49,491
我們要食物，車上要有存糧

471
00:31:49,575 --> 00:31:53,329
檸檬樹上40顆檸檬被我摘掉

472
00:31:58,083 --> 00:32:00,753
丟進後車廂

473
00:32:02,129 --> 00:32:05,341
跑到屋裡拿一瓶美乃滋擠瓶

474
00:32:08,469 --> 00:32:12,181
打開冰箱拿一包玉米薄餅

475
00:32:12,723 --> 00:32:14,475
然後

476
00:32:15,267 --> 00:32:18,771
還有一件事是我們自己嚇自己

477
00:32:18,854 --> 00:32:21,857
我們決定一大清早出發

478
00:32:25,736 --> 00:32:28,530
實在沒必要，11點多出發

479
00:32:28,614 --> 00:32:31,283
壓力會比較小

480
00:32:31,367 --> 00:32:32,993
我們不是說

481
00:32:33,077 --> 00:32:37,873
“親愛的，等太陽升起”

482
00:32:37,956 --> 00:32:41,543
而是說：“就決定這麼做吧”

483
00:32:41,627 --> 00:32:42,711
還有

484
00:32:43,837 --> 00:32:46,090
我很怕

485
00:32:46,590 --> 00:32:50,678
也有很大的原因是

486
00:32:50,761 --> 00:32:55,432
我個性是無可救藥的樂天派

487
00:32:55,516 --> 00:32:59,103
我也很想跟我老公兩人世界

488
00:32:59,186 --> 00:33:01,689
我們會整天黏在一起

489
00:33:01,772 --> 00:33:03,482
他一定也這樣想

490
00:33:05,442 --> 00:33:07,736
我…

491
00:33:07,820 --> 00:33:11,448
我知道疫情嚴峻，樂天的我也想說

492
00:33:11,532 --> 00:33:14,743
人家要跟我男朋友公路旅行

493
00:33:15,452 --> 00:33:20,290
不是跟妳男朋友展開公路旅行

494
00:33:20,874 --> 00:33:22,501
而是疫情爆發，非離開不可

495
00:33:25,003 --> 00:33:26,755
我還是覺得

496
00:33:26,839 --> 00:33:28,757
“人家還活著

497
00:33:28,841 --> 00:33:31,260
“我喜歡看場合穿衣服

498
00:33:31,343 --> 00:33:34,680
“裝扮很值得
沒人能勸我打消念頭

499
00:33:34,763 --> 00:33:37,725
“這趟公路旅行
我要挑一套衣服來穿

500
00:33:37,808 --> 00:33:41,353
“代表我的身分和心情，誰在乎？”

501
00:33:41,437 --> 00:33:42,563
我真的在乎

502
00:33:42,646 --> 00:33:48,193
我們帶的東西不多

503
00:33:48,861 --> 00:33:52,364
我想說哪件衣服

504
00:33:52,448 --> 00:33:55,576
會穿出我的老實可愛？

505
00:33:55,659 --> 00:33:56,660
然後

506
00:33:57,745 --> 00:34:01,790
我想到浪漫喜劇都這樣演

507
00:34:01,874 --> 00:34:06,545
主角經歷低潮時

508
00:34:06,962 --> 00:34:10,132
都會開杯子蛋糕店

509
00:34:11,842 --> 00:34:15,012
自己在新杯子蛋糕店貼壁紙

510
00:34:15,094 --> 00:34:19,056
他們貼壁紙都會穿吊帶褲

511
00:34:20,851 --> 00:34:22,518
他們穿吊帶褲

512
00:34:23,061 --> 00:34:25,647
好可愛，我要穿吊帶褲

513
00:34:25,731 --> 00:34:28,984
我會帶吊帶褲和幾件背心替換

514
00:34:29,818 --> 00:34:31,987
不帶胸罩，我很飢渴

515
00:34:33,071 --> 00:34:35,199
想說這樣就行了

516
00:34:35,991 --> 00:34:39,661
問題是疫情爆發時

517
00:34:39,745 --> 00:34:41,413
很多人都不知道狀況

518
00:34:41,496 --> 00:34:43,873
現在是怎樣？要不要戴口罩？

519
00:34:43,956 --> 00:34:45,667
要不要戴手套？

520
00:34:45,751 --> 00:34:48,003
大家滿頭問號

521
00:34:48,085 --> 00:34:52,007
我們就盡量少跟別人接觸

522
00:34:52,090 --> 00:34:54,967
就算尿急也不要去廁所

523
00:34:55,052 --> 00:34:58,555
路邊尿一尿就好

524
00:34:58,639 --> 00:35:00,474
不是要假掰

525
00:35:00,557 --> 00:35:02,309
我喜歡在廁所尿

526
00:35:05,395 --> 00:35:07,731
不是戀物情結，是偏好

527
00:35:07,815 --> 00:35:10,359
我超愛

528
00:35:10,859 --> 00:35:15,823
我很少用別的尿法

529
00:35:16,573 --> 00:35:21,036
不知道你們這輩子穿過幾次吊帶褲

530
00:35:21,119 --> 00:35:24,957
蹲在路邊上廁所

531
00:35:25,791 --> 00:35:28,085
吊帶解開後

532
00:35:28,961 --> 00:35:30,963
吊帶沒那麼聰明

533
00:35:31,046 --> 00:35:33,048
會自己跑到前面

534
00:35:34,758 --> 00:35:36,760
吊帶彈到後面去

535
00:35:37,469 --> 00:35:39,888
好像在等著給人家虧

536
00:35:41,974 --> 00:35:46,061
我蹲在路邊，我這個人很體貼

537
00:35:46,144 --> 00:35:48,730
不想小妹妹出來丟人現眼

538
00:35:48,814 --> 00:35:51,316
我滿腦子在想

539
00:35:51,400 --> 00:35:55,237
到底要怎樣遮才不會走光

540
00:35:55,320 --> 00:36:00,158
搞到有點忘記下面有褲子

541
00:36:00,242 --> 00:36:03,078
結果直接尿到吊帶褲

542
00:36:04,955 --> 00:36:06,456
不偏不倚

543
00:36:07,624 --> 00:36:08,917
然後

544
00:36:09,585 --> 00:36:13,589
真希望是發生在康乃狄克，東部一點

545
00:36:15,048 --> 00:36:17,384
其實是在新墨西哥

546
00:36:18,802 --> 00:36:21,430
地圖拿出來看，離洛杉磯不遠

547
00:36:22,806 --> 00:36:24,349
要怎麼說？

548
00:36:24,433 --> 00:36:28,312
你們有沒有尿過褲子

549
00:36:29,354 --> 00:36:31,273
但是尿在自己的背上？

550
00:36:36,194 --> 00:36:38,614
好像尿尿有隻手可以放在我肩膀

551
00:36:40,532 --> 00:36:42,951
一路上就像這樣

552
00:36:54,504 --> 00:36:56,757
妹子，妳笨到掉渣

553
00:36:56,840 --> 00:36:59,927
好像在跟我咬耳朵

554
00:37:00,010 --> 00:37:01,762
後來就是

555
00:37:01,845 --> 00:37:05,682
我們三天就從洛杉磯開到麻薩諸塞

556
00:37:05,766 --> 00:37:10,646
算開很快，一天開16到17個小時

557
00:37:10,729 --> 00:37:13,482
翻地圖找到旅館就殺過去

558
00:37:13,565 --> 00:37:15,275
記下電話號碼

559
00:37:15,359 --> 00:37:18,195
我想先通知他們一下

560
00:37:18,278 --> 00:37:21,031
就很有禮貌打過去，像這樣…

561
00:37:28,455 --> 00:37:30,666
《歌劇魅影》

562
00:37:52,020 --> 00:37:56,441
我們開到旅館，戴口罩手套外加帽子

563
00:37:58,151 --> 00:37:59,194
好吧

564
00:38:00,404 --> 00:38:03,198
我們就走進房間

565
00:38:03,281 --> 00:38:05,450
酒精噴好噴滿

566
00:38:05,534 --> 00:38:10,038
然後把睡袋攤開鋪在床上

567
00:38:11,373 --> 00:38:12,958
晚安倒頭就睡

568
00:38:18,296 --> 00:38:21,341
不知道幹嘛帶兩個睡袋

569
00:38:21,425 --> 00:38:25,387
我們在車上都沒戴口罩

570
00:38:25,887 --> 00:38:30,308
還有滿車的尿味

571
00:38:30,392 --> 00:38:32,644
反正就這樣

572
00:38:32,728 --> 00:38:35,647
我們都心照不宣

573
00:38:36,398 --> 00:38:37,858
第二天

574
00:38:38,775 --> 00:38:40,777
我上網查到一些資料

575
00:38:40,861 --> 00:38:44,239
不知道你們有沒有經驗
有時網路不能全信

576
00:38:44,865 --> 00:38:47,743
我馬上慌掉

577
00:38:48,410 --> 00:38:51,496
真的是一秒崩潰

578
00:38:51,580 --> 00:38:54,833
我看著他

579
00:38:54,916 --> 00:38:57,169
我看完手機再看他一眼

580
00:38:58,670 --> 00:39:00,297
他說：“怎樣？”

581
00:39:00,380 --> 00:39:01,256
我說

582
00:39:03,425 --> 00:39:06,053
“聽說病毒會沾在鬍子上”

583
00:39:07,512 --> 00:39:10,348
他說：“珍妮，什麼？”

584
00:39:11,099 --> 00:39:12,267
我就說

585
00:39:15,020 --> 00:39:18,607
“病毒會沾在鬍子上

586
00:39:20,275 --> 00:39:22,027
“你要剃掉”

587
00:39:27,866 --> 00:39:29,659
這是非常時期

588
00:39:29,743 --> 00:39:34,372
當時我爸媽進家門前會脫到精光

589
00:39:34,956 --> 00:39:36,541
戴防毒面具

590
00:39:36,625 --> 00:39:39,544
我媽拿酒精噴我爸的老雞雞

591
00:39:39,628 --> 00:39:42,380
他拿清潔劑噴皮塔薯片包裝袋

592
00:39:42,464 --> 00:39:45,092
沒人知道是什麼狀況

593
00:39:50,430 --> 00:39:52,599
我老公真的…

594
00:39:52,682 --> 00:39:56,103
他是很溫柔可愛的人

595
00:39:56,186 --> 00:39:59,189
我逼他剃掉鬍子

596
00:40:01,066 --> 00:40:02,484
我沒剃光頭

597
00:40:08,865 --> 00:40:11,618
也沒說要陪他漂白我的鬍子

598
00:40:13,537 --> 00:40:19,042
我們離開那間汽車旅館
房間比入住時還乾淨

599
00:40:19,543 --> 00:40:21,169
床都沒睡過

600
00:40:22,754 --> 00:40:25,966
只有垃圾桶滿滿的小毛

601
00:40:27,342 --> 00:40:30,887
順便說一句，不知道有疫情的人

602
00:40:30,971 --> 00:40:34,057
看到我們還以為是殺人犯

603
00:40:37,686 --> 00:40:39,771
他們鐵定有殺人

604
00:40:41,106 --> 00:40:44,442
一副就是鴛鴦逃犯的樣子

605
00:40:47,487 --> 00:40:50,949
第三天我們開到麻薩諸塞

606
00:40:51,032 --> 00:40:53,994
那天正式封城

607
00:40:54,077 --> 00:40:58,248
不知道你們的性事是怎樣

608
00:41:00,000 --> 00:41:02,335
想寄電郵跟我說也是可以

609
00:41:03,795 --> 00:41:06,882
我的帳號是光明節42069

610
00:41:09,885 --> 00:41:11,511
小老鼠猶太人點com

611
00:41:14,973 --> 00:41:19,352
我們到家門口，我就說

612
00:41:19,436 --> 00:41:21,313
“我滿身是尿

613
00:41:21,396 --> 00:41:23,190
“累得要命

614
00:41:23,273 --> 00:41:25,442
“怕得要死

615
00:41:26,693 --> 00:41:29,196
“下面超濕，來嘿咻吧”

616
00:41:31,907 --> 00:41:33,825
我腳一跨就懷孕

617
00:41:36,203 --> 00:41:38,205
完了

618
00:41:38,872 --> 00:41:42,918
我是很高興也覺得很恐怖

619
00:41:43,001 --> 00:41:45,086
我在疫情期間懷孕欸

620
00:41:45,712 --> 00:41:47,631
後來我心想等等

621
00:41:49,174 --> 00:41:50,800
《聖經》是不是有寫？

622
00:41:56,348 --> 00:42:00,268
《新約聖經》我是不熟啦

623
00:42:03,355 --> 00:42:06,316
我印象中經文

624
00:42:06,399 --> 00:42:09,194
沒比喻說

625
00:42:09,277 --> 00:42:12,447
一個女人橫越大陸

626
00:42:12,530 --> 00:42:13,698
全身沾滿自己的尿

627
00:42:13,782 --> 00:42:17,827
聽42小時播客沒記住半個字

628
00:42:19,537 --> 00:42:21,623
說不定在《詩篇》裡面

629
00:42:27,921 --> 00:42:31,174
幹嘛要叫詩篇啊？別鬧了

630
00:42:34,719 --> 00:42:38,139
反正說到宗教經文

631
00:42:40,350 --> 00:42:43,478
不知道你們熟不熟我的作品

632
00:42:44,771 --> 00:42:48,692
上一場特輯最後

633
00:42:49,818 --> 00:42:53,113
我有說一句話，現在想起來

634
00:42:53,196 --> 00:42:56,574
感覺就像洞穴壁畫之類的

635
00:42:56,658 --> 00:42:58,159
是誰鬼畫符？

636
00:42:58,702 --> 00:43:01,955
再看一遍影片我好像是說

637
00:43:02,038 --> 00:43:05,000
我不會再約會

638
00:43:05,083 --> 00:43:08,420
我要把“我的鮑魚”

639
00:43:08,503 --> 00:43:11,715
變成有大型警報系統的博物館

640
00:43:13,550 --> 00:43:15,969
她有說，應該是吧

641
00:43:16,052 --> 00:43:19,681
只能在滿月自摸

642
00:43:21,558 --> 00:43:25,061
父權社會害我找不到男人

643
00:43:25,520 --> 00:43:30,108
我很欣賞那個計畫如此具體

644
00:43:31,985 --> 00:43:35,655
結果應該是超不實用吧

645
00:43:36,573 --> 00:43:38,950
就是很難做到

646
00:43:39,034 --> 00:43:42,287
滿月又不是每晚都有

647
00:43:45,290 --> 00:43:47,959
我喜歡穩定的關係

648
00:43:48,043 --> 00:43:49,794
一定要有

649
00:43:49,878 --> 00:43:53,631
當時的狀況是我就有點猶豫

650
00:43:53,715 --> 00:43:55,800
我不想用軟體

651
00:43:55,884 --> 00:43:58,887
不喜歡那種電腦交友

652
00:43:58,970 --> 00:44:00,680
只想自己在地球上找男人

653
00:44:00,764 --> 00:44:04,100
我就東找西找

654
00:44:04,768 --> 00:44:06,353
跟很多朋友嘿咻

655
00:44:06,436 --> 00:44:09,105
我很懷念那些炮友，現在有點後悔

656
00:44:15,320 --> 00:44:16,488
抱歉

657
00:44:18,698 --> 00:44:20,825
回頭想想，我真不應該

658
00:44:22,410 --> 00:44:25,413
後來我想說還剩下誰？

659
00:44:28,166 --> 00:44:33,004
我就站在人行道希望能跟人對上眼

660
00:44:33,088 --> 00:44:36,674
看過來，你老婆在這邊

661
00:44:36,758 --> 00:44:38,385
快看你老婆

662
00:44:39,677 --> 00:44:44,307
後來終於遇到我老公

663
00:44:45,558 --> 00:44:47,852
真是太好了

664
00:44:47,936 --> 00:44:50,271
對，沒錯

665
00:44:51,981 --> 00:44:53,858
對

666
00:44:53,942 --> 00:44:57,237
我愛上他時

667
00:44:57,362 --> 00:44:59,823
他住在阿姆斯特丹

668
00:45:00,698 --> 00:45:03,952
他原本在這裡，後來要回去

669
00:45:04,035 --> 00:45:07,122
我對他是一見鍾情

670
00:45:07,205 --> 00:45:09,499
想裝淡定又不敢說出來

671
00:45:10,750 --> 00:45:12,836
那個傻妹才這樣

672
00:45:13,795 --> 00:45:16,965
補充一下，淡定是假的

673
00:45:17,799 --> 00:45:21,344
我不信有人會淡定

674
00:45:22,053 --> 00:45:25,890
應該是厭女者發明的概念

675
00:45:25,974 --> 00:45:28,601
女人就能裝作沒需求的樣子

676
00:45:35,191 --> 00:45:39,696
我愛上他，他要回阿姆斯特丹

677
00:45:39,779 --> 00:45:44,325
我真的很傷心

678
00:45:44,409 --> 00:45:47,620
我不會開口問他我們的關係

679
00:45:50,373 --> 00:45:55,128
我想表現出一副
你有其他女人也無所謂

680
00:46:00,258 --> 00:46:01,676
那才不是我的真實感受

681
00:46:02,343 --> 00:46:04,971
後來我很高興他說

682
00:46:05,054 --> 00:46:07,557
“我不想跟妳分開”

683
00:46:10,185 --> 00:46:11,269
他問我

684
00:46:11,352 --> 00:46:15,815
想不想到阿姆斯特丹一起過聖誕節

685
00:46:15,899 --> 00:46:18,735
我一聽到超想馬上訂機票

686
00:46:18,818 --> 00:46:22,405
還要裝模作樣說讓我看一下行事曆

687
00:46:24,365 --> 00:46:27,368
每次有人叫我去哪裡我都超哈的

688
00:46:30,914 --> 00:46:32,832
他叫我到阿姆斯特丹

689
00:46:32,957 --> 00:46:37,879
現在我不算是正式的撒旦教徒

690
00:46:37,962 --> 00:46:40,590
我從小在猶太家庭長大

691
00:46:40,673 --> 00:46:43,134
對我的意義就是

692
00:46:43,218 --> 00:46:45,970
在聖誕假期期間

693
00:46:46,638 --> 00:46:50,642
我能飛到世界各地吸男人的雞雞

694
00:46:56,856 --> 00:46:58,858
我沒家庭包袱

695
00:46:59,567 --> 00:47:02,153
他問我聖誕節有什麼安排？

696
00:47:02,237 --> 00:47:04,239
應該是騎你吧

697
00:47:07,367 --> 00:47:09,327
騎到聖誕老公公發出豬叫聲

698
00:47:09,744 --> 00:47:12,163
他說：“什麼？”我說：“沒事”

699
00:47:15,500 --> 00:47:18,336
我就搭機飛到阿姆斯特丹

700
00:47:19,003 --> 00:47:22,173
他帶花來接機

701
00:47:22,257 --> 00:47:24,926
害人家馬上就高潮

702
00:47:26,094 --> 00:47:27,845
老娘高潮了

703
00:47:29,389 --> 00:47:30,807
這樣高潮

704
00:47:30,890 --> 00:47:33,184
才不會吵醒家裡的兩歲小孩

705
00:47:33,268 --> 00:47:35,562
妳要爬到妳老公的耳邊說

706
00:47:35,645 --> 00:47:37,397
“我高潮了”

707
00:47:46,072 --> 00:47:47,824
他就說

708
00:47:49,409 --> 00:47:51,494
“我有安排很棒的行程

709
00:47:51,578 --> 00:47:53,329
“我們要去林布蘭博物館

710
00:47:53,413 --> 00:47:56,040
“還要買聖誕樹，再去看馬戲團”

711
00:47:56,124 --> 00:47:59,669
我心想
“別問我要不要去安妮之家”

712
00:48:01,796 --> 00:48:06,217
我的嘿咻假期不需要情緒崩潰

713
00:48:08,136 --> 00:48:09,929
我知道在那裡也知道來龍去脈

714
00:48:10,013 --> 00:48:13,141
更能感同身受，現在我不想聊

715
00:48:16,561 --> 00:48:19,147
他就一直說他安排的行程

716
00:48:19,230 --> 00:48:21,149
還說要騎腳踏車，我聽到愣住

717
00:48:23,109 --> 00:48:24,277
“不好意思

718
00:48:25,570 --> 00:48:28,531
“很抱歉，我好像聽到三個怪字”

719
00:48:30,658 --> 00:48:33,328
他說：“我們要騎腳踏車”，我心想

720
00:48:36,873 --> 00:48:38,958
“原來有陷阱”

721
00:48:41,919 --> 00:48:45,923
我看著這個人
心想：“還以為你是正人君子

722
00:48:47,175 --> 00:48:49,844
“結果你居然說這麼沒品的話

723
00:48:49,927 --> 00:48:52,138
“沒人對我說過這種話

724
00:48:55,058 --> 00:48:59,103
“叫我騎腳踏車？你怎麼敢？

725
00:48:59,562 --> 00:49:01,272
“竟然有這種想法

726
00:49:01,356 --> 00:49:04,233
“你以為會有人

727
00:49:04,317 --> 00:49:07,862
“飛到另一個國家跟你做運動？”

728
00:49:10,490 --> 00:49:12,158
我整個嚇到

729
00:49:12,241 --> 00:49:15,662
好想趕快搭飛機回家

730
00:49:15,745 --> 00:49:17,497
我就呆站在原地

731
00:49:17,580 --> 00:49:19,874
我不愛追求刺激

732
00:49:19,957 --> 00:49:22,418
我不想騎腳踏車

733
00:49:26,172 --> 00:49:30,760
只想為愛勇敢一次

734
00:49:31,969 --> 00:49:34,389
我很想勇敢去愛

735
00:49:34,472 --> 00:49:37,934
那才是我，不是怕騎腳踏車的人

736
00:49:38,017 --> 00:49:39,227
我想勇敢去愛

737
00:49:39,310 --> 00:49:42,563
想晚上躺上床能說我有勇敢去愛

738
00:49:42,647 --> 00:49:45,483
然後進入甜美夢鄉

739
00:49:46,317 --> 00:49:51,781
你們有沒有遇過完美的狀況

740
00:49:51,864 --> 00:49:54,200
夢寐以求的畫面？

741
00:49:54,283 --> 00:49:58,079
一個條件很好的人很愛你

742
00:49:58,162 --> 00:50:00,790
對你超好

743
00:50:00,873 --> 00:50:04,335
他們沒做錯事，完全滿足你的要求

744
00:50:04,419 --> 00:50:08,756
結果你的反應充滿恐懼的幻想

745
00:50:08,840 --> 00:50:12,468
疑神疑鬼，沒辦法信任

746
00:50:12,552 --> 00:50:16,055
就覺得那個人不太適合你

747
00:50:16,139 --> 00:50:18,891
這樣想很不好

748
00:50:18,975 --> 00:50:22,061
也很難看

749
00:50:22,145 --> 00:50:23,771
你就是克制不住

750
00:50:23,855 --> 00:50:25,732
我信任他們

751
00:50:25,815 --> 00:50:27,942
就會放下戒心讓他們傷害我

752
00:50:28,025 --> 00:50:30,027
就是可怕的惡性循環

753
00:50:30,111 --> 00:50:33,030
當然那個人的善良會照亮你

754
00:50:33,114 --> 00:50:35,825
讓你看到內心的自己

755
00:50:35,908 --> 00:50:38,953
我相信自己是壞人，我不是壞

756
00:50:39,036 --> 00:50:41,914
只是有很負面的想法，應該轉念

757
00:50:41,998 --> 00:50:44,292
比方說我想太多

758
00:50:44,375 --> 00:50:46,002
情緒來得太快

759
00:50:46,085 --> 00:50:49,005
沒人想理我，沒人能給我

760
00:50:49,088 --> 00:50:52,175
我需要的愛才能感覺到被愛

761
00:50:52,258 --> 00:50:55,511
多數人得到的愛是裝在心碗裡

762
00:50:55,595 --> 00:50:59,474
我的比較像是會漏水的漏勺或毛氈

763
00:50:59,557 --> 00:51:02,226
然後叫自己不行這樣

764
00:51:02,310 --> 00:51:04,270
別被內心小劇場牽著走

765
00:51:04,353 --> 00:51:07,106
能找點別的事做轉移注意力

766
00:51:07,190 --> 00:51:10,067
我總不能抓住他們的臉大叫

767
00:51:10,151 --> 00:51:13,738
“別毀掉我，叫你別毀掉我”

768
00:51:13,821 --> 00:51:16,824
結果發現自己站在阿姆斯特丹

769
00:51:19,619 --> 00:51:20,620
然後…

770
00:51:27,084 --> 00:51:28,586
還沒嗑藥喔

771
00:51:30,087 --> 00:51:32,256
心想天啊

772
00:51:32,340 --> 00:51:34,258
我現在要做

773
00:51:34,342 --> 00:51:37,136
這輩子做過最刺激的事

774
00:51:37,762 --> 00:51:39,806
反正

775
00:51:39,889 --> 00:51:43,643
我不會像體育迷講得落落長

776
00:51:45,436 --> 00:51:49,023
猜猜誰有騎腳踏車？

777
00:51:58,241 --> 00:51:59,951
我做到了

778
00:52:01,369 --> 00:52:02,453
老娘做到了

779
00:52:05,206 --> 00:52:08,459
今晚我能站在這裡

780
00:52:08,543 --> 00:52:10,962
講過去這個怪怪的愛情故事

781
00:52:11,546 --> 00:52:13,965
穿這件小燕尾服來這間豪華劇院

782
00:52:15,216 --> 00:52:17,009
都是因為

783
00:52:17,093 --> 00:52:21,597
我有乖乖去看治療師

784
00:52:25,101 --> 00:52:27,520
我愛我的治療師

785
00:52:27,603 --> 00:52:32,441
我知道不能這樣說，我愛她

786
00:52:32,525 --> 00:52:34,402
我愛她

787
00:52:35,152 --> 00:52:38,239
我愛她，我其實覺得現在

788
00:52:38,322 --> 00:52:40,366
是治療最難的部分

789
00:52:41,242 --> 00:52:44,036
治療結束你不能說

790
00:52:44,120 --> 00:52:45,705
“再見，我愛妳”

791
00:52:47,582 --> 00:52:49,834
我們之間發生一件事

792
00:52:49,917 --> 00:52:54,130
讓我們的關係變得有點僵

793
00:52:54,213 --> 00:52:59,719
就是最近她誤傳簡訊給我

794
00:53:02,179 --> 00:53:03,264
我知道

795
00:53:04,724 --> 00:53:07,560
我說的最近是三年前的事

796
00:53:09,061 --> 00:53:11,188
我忍不住去想

797
00:53:12,315 --> 00:53:14,650
就是忍不住

798
00:53:14,734 --> 00:53:16,819
當時是週末

799
00:53:16,903 --> 00:53:18,529
我看到她的名字跳出來

800
00:53:18,613 --> 00:53:22,450
有沒有高不可攀的人傳簡訊給你過？

801
00:53:23,117 --> 00:53:26,579
我不要馬上打開來看

802
00:53:26,662 --> 00:53:29,665
不管內容是什麼都會讓我超開心

803
00:53:31,500 --> 00:53:36,297
等我上廁所再看

804
00:53:36,380 --> 00:53:39,508
我心想是週末欸

805
00:53:39,634 --> 00:53:41,052
潘蜜拉會傳什麼？

806
00:53:41,135 --> 00:53:43,804
說不定她是要說

807
00:53:43,888 --> 00:53:45,765
“珍妮，我在植物園

808
00:53:45,848 --> 00:53:48,643
“看到一朵花看起來花形很漂亮

809
00:53:48,726 --> 00:53:52,104
“職業病又犯了就想到妳”

810
00:53:52,188 --> 00:53:53,856
就是正常簡訊

811
00:53:56,609 --> 00:54:00,029
我打開來看，內容寫說

812
00:54:00,112 --> 00:54:04,951
“我跟某某人
在某高級餐廳吃得很開心

813
00:54:05,034 --> 00:54:08,621
“請他吃父親節大餐”，我心涼一半

814
00:54:16,587 --> 00:54:18,923
潘蜜拉，搞什麼鬼？

815
00:54:21,133 --> 00:54:24,762
太傷人了吧

816
00:54:26,931 --> 00:54:28,724
害我一時說不出話來

817
00:54:31,268 --> 00:54:32,937
潘蜜拉會去餐廳？

818
00:54:35,356 --> 00:54:36,482
好

819
00:54:38,401 --> 00:54:41,195
她讓我相信

820
00:54:42,989 --> 00:54:47,451
她就待在那一間房間等我說話

821
00:54:50,371 --> 00:54:53,833
另一件我過不去的事是

822
00:54:53,916 --> 00:54:58,087
潘蜜拉跟她老公

823
00:54:58,170 --> 00:55:00,881
去餐廳吃父親節大餐

824
00:55:00,965 --> 00:55:03,801
我知道我爸老朗

825
00:55:03,884 --> 00:55:06,512
父親節都沒去餐廳吃大餐

826
00:55:06,595 --> 00:55:10,433
這下尷尬了，潘蜜拉不是我媽？

827
00:55:14,145 --> 00:55:15,146
我深受打擊

828
00:55:15,229 --> 00:55:18,816
妳不用當我面說妳不是我媽

829
00:55:18,899 --> 00:55:22,903
好啦，我知道我還有個媽叫南希

830
00:55:22,987 --> 00:55:24,321
她老是陰魂不散

831
00:55:25,322 --> 00:55:30,369
我回她簡訊說

832
00:55:31,537 --> 00:55:36,792
“妳好像傳錯人了”

833
00:55:38,127 --> 00:55:40,671
她回說

834
00:55:41,881 --> 00:55:42,965
“真的欸”

835
00:55:50,306 --> 00:55:54,602
後來我就再也沒提這件事

836
00:55:54,685 --> 00:55:59,565
幾年後我們在聊媽媽經，她說

837
00:55:59,648 --> 00:56:02,026
“我生我女兒時…”

838
00:56:02,109 --> 00:56:03,527
我突然一陣痛

839
00:56:17,458 --> 00:56:20,169
你們有沒有看過自己焦慮的癥結？

840
00:56:24,090 --> 00:56:27,343
大家只關注焦慮周圍的混亂

841
00:56:27,426 --> 00:56:29,303
焦慮是有癥結的

842
00:56:29,386 --> 00:56:30,596
你看得到

843
00:56:30,679 --> 00:56:32,890
就能改變自己接受自己

844
00:56:32,973 --> 00:56:36,143
潘蜜拉讓我看到我焦慮的癥結

845
00:56:36,227 --> 00:56:39,188
天啊，我看到自己焦慮的癥結

846
00:56:39,271 --> 00:56:40,898
潘蜜拉不是我媽

847
00:56:44,068 --> 00:56:48,030
還有一件事她教會我接受自己

848
00:56:49,198 --> 00:56:54,120
就是我能自豪說

849
00:56:54,203 --> 00:56:57,623
我會跟蹤潘蜜拉和她女兒

850
00:57:01,377 --> 00:57:02,586
我今年

851
00:57:02,670 --> 00:57:05,548
逼近40歲大關

852
00:57:05,631 --> 00:57:07,591
我是說41歲啦

853
00:57:09,385 --> 00:57:11,345
40歲說：“離我遠一點”

854
00:57:12,888 --> 00:57:15,641
我不會再渾渾噩噩

855
00:57:15,724 --> 00:57:19,937
我要做自己
不斷成長、不再自我逃避

856
00:57:20,020 --> 00:57:23,065
內心負面邪惡的小劇場

857
00:57:23,149 --> 00:57:27,027
我要正視那個心魔療癒自己

858
00:57:27,111 --> 00:57:29,405
意思就是

859
00:57:29,488 --> 00:57:32,449
在下毛毛雨的柔美夜晚

860
00:57:32,533 --> 00:57:35,035
怪胎都在自摸

861
00:57:35,119 --> 00:57:38,122
讓他們自爽的東西

862
00:57:39,623 --> 00:57:42,293
邊摸邊說這就是我需要的

863
00:57:44,295 --> 00:57:46,463
這樣才能讓老子爽

864
00:57:48,174 --> 00:57:50,509
心魔出來時

865
00:57:50,593 --> 00:57:55,264
我就坐在床上讓自己靜下來

866
00:57:55,347 --> 00:58:00,269
只要想潘蜜拉和她女兒

867
00:58:01,604 --> 00:58:05,524
想啊，快想

868
00:58:05,608 --> 00:58:09,195
快給我想，想啊

869
00:58:09,278 --> 00:58:13,115
想潘蜜拉和她女兒要上車

870
00:58:13,199 --> 00:58:16,327
她們繫好安全帶，好愛自己喔

871
00:58:16,410 --> 00:58:20,122
都不想有人受傷，我們是好閨密

872
00:58:23,292 --> 00:58:26,670
中午她們開車去吃午餐

873
00:58:26,754 --> 00:58:29,215
她們喜歡一起出去

874
00:58:30,966 --> 00:58:33,510
她們說：“挑一間海邊的餐廳吧

875
00:58:33,594 --> 00:58:36,764
“我們不像某些笨蛋對生蠔過敏”

876
00:58:40,851 --> 00:58:41,936
她們還說

877
00:58:42,019 --> 00:58:45,397
“我等不及邊吃午餐邊聊很多話題

878
00:58:45,481 --> 00:58:48,567
“不像聊誰得癌症就講不下去

879
00:58:48,651 --> 00:58:50,277
“我都沒說到話”

880
00:58:58,744 --> 00:59:03,582
然後她們到餐廳，我叫車跟蹤她們

881
00:59:08,212 --> 00:59:11,131
我一到餐廳就馬上飄到廁所

882
00:59:11,882 --> 00:59:13,133
她們找位子坐下來

883
00:59:13,217 --> 00:59:15,552
過一會兒潘蜜拉的女兒去上廁所

884
00:59:15,636 --> 00:59:17,930
她上完後走到洗手檯邊

885
00:59:18,013 --> 00:59:19,431
我早就在那裡

886
00:59:20,641 --> 00:59:23,644
我在搓肥皂，搓到滿手肥皂泡

887
00:59:23,727 --> 00:59:26,063
我搓了15分鐘

888
00:59:26,146 --> 00:59:29,858
兩手肥皂泡多到像棉花糖

889
00:59:30,818 --> 00:59:34,697
我愛乾淨、超愛乾淨
最愛乾淨就是我

890
00:59:34,780 --> 00:59:37,241
我超愛乾淨，我超乖又愛乾淨

891
00:59:37,324 --> 00:59:39,201
最愛乾淨就是我

892
00:59:39,285 --> 00:59:41,912
沒人比我愛乾淨，乾淨到不行

893
00:59:43,956 --> 00:59:48,168
她在洗手
看我一眼說：“好多肥皂泡”

894
00:59:50,796 --> 00:59:51,797
我說

895
00:59:55,718 --> 00:59:56,760
“什麼？”

896
00:59:58,053 --> 01:00:01,056
她說：“沒什麼，只是肥皂泡好多

897
01:00:01,140 --> 01:00:04,059
“抱歉，肥皂泡好多”
我說：“妳抱歉？”

898
01:00:06,937 --> 01:00:11,358
她說：“算我沒說”
我說：“沒關係”

899
01:00:19,116 --> 01:00:20,743
“妳跟妳媽一起來嗎？”

900
01:00:22,494 --> 01:00:23,787
她說：“什麼？”

901
01:00:24,955 --> 01:00:29,668
我問妳：“妳跟妳媽一起來嗎？”

902
01:00:30,711 --> 01:00:33,005
她說：“對”

903
01:00:33,088 --> 01:00:35,466
我說：“寶貝，什麼那麼好笑？

904
01:00:37,176 --> 01:00:38,802
“妳是在叫什麼叫？”

905
01:00:45,392 --> 01:00:49,813
她說：“我跟我媽一起來”

906
01:00:50,731 --> 01:00:53,442
然後我整個人湊近她

907
01:00:54,943 --> 01:00:58,405
臉頰都貼到她的臉

908
01:00:59,406 --> 01:01:04,119
我盯著鏡子裡的她，她動彈不得

909
01:01:04,536 --> 01:01:09,083
她的個性不像我這麼強

910
01:01:13,337 --> 01:01:14,421
我說

911
01:01:15,923 --> 01:01:17,633
“希望妳知道

912
01:01:19,676 --> 01:01:21,428
“自己擁有的東西”

913
01:01:25,182 --> 01:01:27,935
她說：“什麼？”

914
01:01:28,936 --> 01:01:32,022
我說：“希望

915
01:01:32,106 --> 01:01:36,318
“妳知道自己擁有的

916
01:01:36,652 --> 01:01:38,278
“東西”

917
01:01:38,362 --> 01:01:39,238
她嚇壞了

918
01:01:40,364 --> 01:01:43,742
我說：“這就是愛的感覺

919
01:01:43,826 --> 01:01:46,662
“潘蜜拉”

920
01:02:02,553 --> 01:02:04,721
非常謝謝

921
01:02:06,473 --> 01:02:07,558
祝大家身體健康

922
01:02:09,059 --> 01:02:11,812
謝謝

923
01:02:11,937 --> 01:02:16,483
晚安，保重身體，我愛你們

924
01:03:22,799 --> 01:03:24,718
本片在紐約布魯克林
音樂學院哈維劇院錄製

925
01:03:24,801 --> 01:03:26,720
紀念蘿雪史雷

926
01:03:28,639 --> 01:03:30,641
字幕翻譯 ：李儀

927
01:03:30,724 --> 01:03:32,726
創意監督 ：張世幸