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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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["Fade Away" by Susanne Sundfør playing]

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[announcer]
Now, without further ado,

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please welcome to the stage,

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-Jenny Slate!
-[audience cheering]

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Hi!

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[audience cheering]

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[music fades and ends]

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Hi.

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Ooh, ooh, ooh.

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Wowee, good evening, everyone.

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[audience cheering]

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It is cool to be here. [laughs]

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I did my dressage, so now I feel good.

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Hi, everyone. How are you feeling?

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[audience cheering]

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That sounds awesome.

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I am just jacked up
on the vibes of this spooky theater.

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[audience laughing]

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Ah, to perform in a ruin, I mean, whoo.

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-On a slice of eternity... [grunts]
-[audience laughing]

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Honestly, thank you. Yeah.

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Um, this theater reminds me
of what I think

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that the play
The Phantom of the Opera is about.

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[audience laughing]

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Obviously, I'm too afraid to see that play
'cause they made the title too scary.

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[audience laughing]

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And also, not to, like,
be like this right away,

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but, like, I don't wanna see a play.

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[audience laughing and applauding]

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Are you fucking kidding me? Like...
[groans]

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I honestly, like, don't get it.

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Like, I just, I'm just, like,
I'm not sure I understand you.

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Like, okay, so what is it?

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It's like the curtain comes up

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-and then like...
-[audience laughing]

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...a person comes out.
And they're like a person

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and you can see them
and they're like clip-clomp-clomp.

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They're like... [panting] "Mamma!"

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[audience laughing]

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You're like, "I know you're you."

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[audience laughing]

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"I know your name is, like, Kaitlyn,
I saw the playbill. What is this?"

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I don't get it. Um...

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You're like, "Ah,
that sounds like the complaint

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of an actress who was not asked
to be in a play."

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-[audience laughing]
-Um...

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I am here tonight

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because a hypnotist told me
that I'm a seasoned professional

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and I believe it now deep in my psyche.

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-[audience cheering and applauding]
-Thank you so much.

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I do believe it. I put in the hours.
But, um, I am here, I do this

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because I just wanna, like,
share as much as possible,

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like as much as you can share
without going to jail.

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Um, that's my limit.

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And so, um,

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I would just like to, like, start off
by being very intimate

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and say hello, my name is Jenny Slate.

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And I am addicted to microphones.

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[audience laughing]

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I don't wanna, like, bum us all out, um,

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by talking about the pandemic right away,
but I think, like,

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our community needs this conversation,

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which is, like, I think
this was the hardest thing for all of us,

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um, during lockdown,

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which was that, like,
we couldn't get on the mic every day.

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[audience laughing]

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You know, like,
I think that was, like, very difficult

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to not be able to just, like,
immediately process your psyche

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to like 300 to 1,200 people.

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I did get to use a microphone
during the pandemic,

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um, but it was, um,
it was during my wedding.

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'Cause both of us
have Boomer dads with hearing aids.

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[audience laughing]

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And they're constantly
walking into the ocean with them on,

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being like, "Goddammit!"

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[audience laughing]

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My mom's, like, calling me up. She's like,

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"Your dad walked into the JCC pool
with his hearing aid again."

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[audience laughing]

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[groans] Snooze.

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Call a different daughter.

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[audience laughing]

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Fuck you, Nancy, you gave me everything!

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My mom's really nice. Um...

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She really let me use her MasterCard
for a long time

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-and I've never paid her back. Um...
-[audience laughing]

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You idiot!

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Uh... [giggles]

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And, uh, clock this as the time
when my mom turns this comedy special off.

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She's like, "I'm turning in, Ron." Um...

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Yeah, I had a mic during our wedding

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'cause we wanted our dads
to hear our vows.

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Um, even though they were five feet away.
And, um...

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I swear, like,
I got that mic in my little paw...

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It was like, okay, like,
I truly, like, I was like,

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everything inside of me
had to stop myself from just being like,

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"What's the deal with going
to the dentist? Help me figure this out."

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You know, it was like, chill.

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Just walk down the isle,
and tell the best person you've ever met

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that you hope
they'll fucking marry you right now.

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Just stop being weird.

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Like, this is my rule, like,
when you're getting married,

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or when you're in therapy,
it's just, like,

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be real.

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[audience laughing]

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Don't just, like, try to make them laugh
so that they'll never leave.

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[high-pitched laugh]

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[audience laughing]

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[high-pitched] You hearing me?

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[audience laughing]

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Oh, um, okay, and then the other thing

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that I think I should say,
just so that, like, I set the scene

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and you know
who you're dealing with tonight

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in terms of where my identity is, um...

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I'm trying to make an effort to say
the word, um, "breasts" more, like...

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[audience laughing]

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Not just like "breasts," like randomly,

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-but, like, um...
-[audience laughing]

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But, yeah, I started saying "breasts," um,

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because, like, have you ever
wanted to seem smart, um,

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for the doctor,

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so that they won't give up on you?

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[audience laughing]

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Maybe you don't have this problem,
but, like,

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I recently found myself
moments away from being like,

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"So are we doing a titty exam

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or are you just gonna
take a peek-a-roonie at my pussy?"

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[audience laughing]

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But speaking of, um, my titties, honestly,

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um, just to put it
in a sentence for you, like,

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how I'm using my new,
my new vocabulary. Um...

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My breasts, um,

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before I had my baby,

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my breasts were like, uh,

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they were just like a full B.

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It was, like, clink, hi, I'm Jenny,

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I can go to any synagogue,
I've got a full B for you here,

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it's not a big deal.

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[audience laughing]

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You know, um, it was sort of like, like,

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have you ever eaten a meal
where you're like,

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it was like a small bowl of pasta,
at, like, a fancy restaurant,

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and you're like, "This is all I get?"

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But then you eat it, and you're like,
"I'm actually full."

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[audience cheering and applauding]

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Um, yeah, so there was that

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and then I had my daughter

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and I was breastfeeding her.

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And to my wild surprise,

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I...

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was blessed

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with, like, an instant set
of fucking porny gazongas.

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Like, double D, milky, psycho naturals.

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[audience laughing]

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I was agog. I really was.

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Like, I just, like,
I looked into the mirror

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and, like, bro'ed out so hard.

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[audience laughing]

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I, like, negged myself
looking at these jugs.

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I was like... [deeper voice] "Oh, like,

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honestly, I don't usually think
that funny girls are attractive..."

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[audience laughing and applauding]

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"...but, like,
you've caught my attention tonight, girl."

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[audience laughing]

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Yeah, and then

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I was, like, so horny for my own physique,

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I just was like...
[slurping sounds]

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Really wanted to just, like,
set up my phone

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and, like, make it slow-mo,
and just like, jump up and down.

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[audience laughing]

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Oh, but also, they, like,
really, really hurt, really bad.

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Um, yeah, that's the compromise. Whoo.
Um...

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After I had my baby, um,

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I just thought, you know, this is,

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they're, okay, maybe
I'm not gonna keep having double D's,

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but, like, I'll probably just stay with,
like, a full C or something.

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And instead, it was, like,
have you ever, like, let a balloon go?

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And it's just like...
[balloon deflating sounds]

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And then it just falls on the floor?

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-Like, I was, like, no!
-[audience laughing]

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But, like, now I would say
that my breasts are, like,

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they're like a hybrid
between a pancake and a feather.

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[audience laughing]

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It's erotic.

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It's erotic.

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My husband says it's very erotic. Um...

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It's, like, almost all nip.
That's surprising.

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[audience laughing]

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Whoa, you know, and, like,

192
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I love it, 'cause I feel like
they remind me of, like,

193
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the little strict little titties that,
like, a ballerina would have.

194
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[audience laughing]

195
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You know? These are my fucking titties.

196
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Mm. If you want it,
you'd better fucking find it.

197
00:10:08,692 --> 00:10:11,945
[audience laughing]

198
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I do feel like I kind of, I didn't,

199
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I sort of name-dropped that I had a baby.

200
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-Like, I saw her, I know her, but, um...
-[audience laughing]

201
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But she's mine, um, I have a baby.

202
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She's, um, perfect and wonderful
and I don't have a joke about her

203
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'cause I would never
fucking joke about her.

204
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Um. Um, but, yeah, I had a baby,

205
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I'm not trying to skirt the issue,

206
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or, like, deny it.

207
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Like, I, I did it. I... I did it.

208
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[audience laughing]

209
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She's there.

210
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But, like, it does still feel like,
I'm, like, it was me?

211
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Like, I did it? Like, I...

212
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It's hard to wrap my mind around it
and, like...

213
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I was pregnant for a long time

214
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and I understood that I was,

215
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but, like, even on the way to the hospital

216
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when my body was, like, really hurting
and stuff was starting to leak out...

217
00:11:01,787 --> 00:11:03,121
[audience laughing]

218
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I was just, like...

219
00:11:05,665 --> 00:11:08,001
kinda feels like someone's
gonna sub in here, though.

220
00:11:08,085 --> 00:11:11,463
[audience laughing]

221
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Like, it's just such an extreme experience
that I just was like, I don't kn...

222
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It just doesn't feel like something
I would do, you know?

223
00:11:18,678 --> 00:11:20,222
[audience laughing]

224
00:11:22,933 --> 00:11:26,686
Like, would I knock on someone's door
after four dates at 2:00 a.m. and be like,

225
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"I just need to tell you
I'm in love with you." Like, yeah.

226
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Extreme stuff, I've done it. But, like,
this? I was like, "Oh, I don't know."

227
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It just doesn't seem like
what she would do and, like,

228
00:11:38,073 --> 00:11:41,451
anytime something's been hard
or I haven't wanted to do it,

229
00:11:41,535 --> 00:11:44,746
like, I've always
just been able to quit or be fired.

230
00:11:44,830 --> 00:11:46,665
[audience laughing]

231
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It's just so, it just felt like,

232
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I just don't feel like
this was meant to be sent,

233
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I wanted to have the baby, but I was like,

234
00:11:54,339 --> 00:11:56,633
"Did you mean for me to do this, though?"
Like...

235
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The only other thing
that I had to compare to it

236
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was, um, just the memory of this one time
when I opened my email

237
00:12:05,600 --> 00:12:10,355
and I had received, um, an audition
for the role of Pennywise in the movie It.

238
00:12:10,439 --> 00:12:13,233
[audience laughing]

239
00:12:16,403 --> 00:12:18,697
Yeah.

240
00:12:18,780 --> 00:12:20,699
I would love for you to all to be like,

241
00:12:20,782 --> 00:12:23,076
"What a funny, fictional joke
that she's telling."

242
00:12:23,160 --> 00:12:24,828
[audience laughing]

243
00:12:24,911 --> 00:12:27,539
"About a fucking fake thing
that never happened

244
00:12:27,622 --> 00:12:29,249
to a nice person like she."

245
00:12:29,332 --> 00:12:31,084
[audience laughing]

246
00:12:31,168 --> 00:12:33,170
But, in fact,

247
00:12:33,253 --> 00:12:34,838
I opened my email. It's like,

248
00:12:34,921 --> 00:12:37,507
"An appointment has been made
on your behalf

249
00:12:37,591 --> 00:12:40,552
to audition for the role of Pennywise."

250
00:12:40,635 --> 00:12:41,511
I was like...

251
00:12:44,723 --> 00:12:45,599
"Huh?"

252
00:12:45,682 --> 00:12:46,892
[audience laughing]

253
00:12:46,975 --> 00:12:49,436
Like, I just, I truly was like,
"Wait. Huh?"

254
00:12:49,519 --> 00:12:51,229
Like, no, like, that couldn't be...

255
00:12:52,522 --> 00:12:53,398
Like the...

256
00:12:56,026 --> 00:12:57,611
Like the murdering...

257
00:12:57,694 --> 00:12:59,446
[audience laughing]

258
00:12:59,529 --> 00:13:00,780
...kidnapping...

259
00:13:02,199 --> 00:13:04,075
balding, male clown, right?

260
00:13:04,159 --> 00:13:05,702
[audience laughing]

261
00:13:07,954 --> 00:13:11,249
[short gasps] Like...

262
00:13:11,333 --> 00:13:13,752
And then I'm, like, such an optimist
and I was like,

263
00:13:13,835 --> 00:13:15,545
well, maybe it's, like,
something else, like,

264
00:13:15,629 --> 00:13:19,049
maybe this is actually, like,
best-case scenario, like,

265
00:13:19,132 --> 00:13:21,051
a very antisemitic romcom about...

266
00:13:21,134 --> 00:13:23,220
[audience laughing]

267
00:13:23,303 --> 00:13:26,515
Like, like, a whimsical woman
who, like, can't get it together,

268
00:13:26,598 --> 00:13:28,767
named, like, Penny Wise.
And, like... [farting sound]

269
00:13:28,850 --> 00:13:30,268
[audience laughing]

270
00:13:30,352 --> 00:13:33,188
She, like, fucking farted while she was
picking up her panties, or something.

271
00:13:33,271 --> 00:13:34,564
I don't know.

272
00:13:34,648 --> 00:13:37,567
I don't care. Literally anything

273
00:13:37,651 --> 00:13:41,321
but imagining producers...

274
00:13:41,404 --> 00:13:43,865
[audience laughing]

275
00:13:43,949 --> 00:13:45,158
...sitting around...

276
00:13:45,242 --> 00:13:47,410
[audience laughing]

277
00:13:47,494 --> 00:13:49,287
...when they've got all the Skarsgårds...

278
00:13:49,371 --> 00:13:52,624
[audience laughing]

279
00:13:52,707 --> 00:13:55,168
And being like, "Oh, I don't know, like,

280
00:13:55,252 --> 00:13:57,837
what if we did, like,
a Jenny Slate kind of thing with this?"

281
00:13:57,921 --> 00:14:00,715
[audience laughing]

282
00:14:02,384 --> 00:14:06,680
And just, like, two men
and a female misogynist being like,

283
00:14:06,763 --> 00:14:08,223
"That's interesting, Trey."

284
00:14:08,306 --> 00:14:12,018
[audience laughing]

285
00:14:12,102 --> 00:14:15,647
"There is something there, honestly.
That's fucked up."

286
00:14:17,649 --> 00:14:18,608
Or, like,

287
00:14:18,692 --> 00:14:22,153
my representatives at the time,
who I do not work with anymore...

288
00:14:22,237 --> 00:14:26,575
[audience cheering and applauding]

289
00:14:26,658 --> 00:14:29,411
Being like, "Let's fucking see
if this idiot bites." You know, like...

290
00:14:29,494 --> 00:14:30,829
[audience laughing]

291
00:14:30,912 --> 00:14:34,665
[giggles] It really,
really hurt my feelings.

292
00:14:34,749 --> 00:14:38,461
It really hurt my feelings
really badly. Um...

293
00:14:38,545 --> 00:14:40,338
And then I got really scared

294
00:14:40,422 --> 00:14:44,009
because I was like, "Imagine
if I fucking went on this audition."

295
00:14:45,218 --> 00:14:47,220
Like, you know how there are,
like, leaked tapes

296
00:14:47,304 --> 00:14:49,139
of, like, people who try to do stuff.

297
00:14:49,222 --> 00:14:51,600
[audience laughing]

298
00:14:51,683 --> 00:14:52,684
Can you imagine?

299
00:14:52,767 --> 00:14:55,353
However I did, would've done my hair
and I'm like...

300
00:14:55,437 --> 00:15:00,817
[audience laughing and applauding]

301
00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:03,612
Ah! It hurts my feelings so much!

302
00:15:04,779 --> 00:15:08,867
And so we got to the hospital.
[clears throat] And, um, I, um,

303
00:15:08,950 --> 00:15:11,703
I mean, I'm just gonna try
to make this, you know, brief, um,

304
00:15:11,786 --> 00:15:16,875
but I had the baby out of my vagina.

305
00:15:16,958 --> 00:15:20,003
[audience cheering and applauding]

306
00:15:20,086 --> 00:15:20,962
Yeah.

307
00:15:22,422 --> 00:15:24,382
She's here tonight! Bring her out!

308
00:15:24,466 --> 00:15:26,718
[audience laughing]

309
00:15:26,801 --> 00:15:28,470
It's this one, that's the craziest thing.

310
00:15:28,553 --> 00:15:30,096
Isn't that so weird? It's this.

311
00:15:30,180 --> 00:15:33,558
It's like, just like that, like,
this is my pussy, it's my vagina.

312
00:15:33,642 --> 00:15:36,645
I did it out of this.
You don't get another one.

313
00:15:36,728 --> 00:15:37,896
[audience laughing]

314
00:15:37,979 --> 00:15:40,273
It's not, like, "Oh,
she dropped her ice cream cone,

315
00:15:40,357 --> 00:15:42,567
but she's a good girl,
she can have another," like...

316
00:15:42,651 --> 00:15:43,693
[audience laughing]

317
00:15:43,777 --> 00:15:47,489
You have it and you keep it
and you take with it, forever.

318
00:15:47,572 --> 00:15:50,367
Uh, the truth, which is,

319
00:15:50,450 --> 00:15:52,285
and again,
not sure where the joke is here,

320
00:15:52,369 --> 00:15:55,372
and I would've loved to have
figured it out before we filmed, but...

321
00:15:55,455 --> 00:15:56,539
[audience laughing]

322
00:15:56,623 --> 00:15:59,709
You know, you can plan for your birth.

323
00:15:59,793 --> 00:16:01,753
You can have the plan and the playlist

324
00:16:01,836 --> 00:16:04,589
and if you're lucky,
you have a lovely partner,

325
00:16:04,673 --> 00:16:08,301
or support people, or doctors,
or whatever you want,

326
00:16:08,385 --> 00:16:10,303
and you can really, really do that,

327
00:16:10,387 --> 00:16:11,971
but the fact is that
when you're doing it,

328
00:16:12,055 --> 00:16:13,598
you are essentially alone.

329
00:16:13,682 --> 00:16:15,600
[audience laughing softly]

330
00:16:15,684 --> 00:16:16,726
Okay.

331
00:16:16,810 --> 00:16:19,396
[audience laughing]

332
00:16:19,479 --> 00:16:22,440
Oh, that doesn't tickle
your funny bone? Um...

333
00:16:22,524 --> 00:16:24,693
[audience laughing]

334
00:16:27,987 --> 00:16:32,534
[exhales] It was, giving birth, for me,

335
00:16:32,617 --> 00:16:34,536
was a very positive experience

336
00:16:34,619 --> 00:16:36,496
and, like, again, like,
not because I'm like,

337
00:16:36,579 --> 00:16:38,289
"Oh, I'm perfect and it went perfectly,"

338
00:16:38,373 --> 00:16:43,503
but, like, just because, um, like,
I liked, I liked the feelings,

339
00:16:43,586 --> 00:16:45,588
I guess, that I, that I had.

340
00:16:45,672 --> 00:16:49,676
And, um, I also like the response
that I got from my husband,

341
00:16:49,759 --> 00:16:51,136
like, he was very supportive.

342
00:16:51,219 --> 00:16:53,471
And then after the fact, he was like,

343
00:16:53,555 --> 00:16:57,559
"Watching the baby come out of your vagina
was like watching a magic trick."

344
00:16:57,642 --> 00:16:59,853
[audience laughing]

345
00:17:06,859 --> 00:17:08,944
You know those magicians...

346
00:17:10,530 --> 00:17:12,866
that just get up on stage and...

347
00:17:13,782 --> 00:17:16,536
scream for 21 hours straight?

348
00:17:16,618 --> 00:17:18,454
[audience laughing]

349
00:17:18,538 --> 00:17:23,041
Where the, uh, the magician, um,
just does that famous trick

350
00:17:23,126 --> 00:17:27,380
where they just shit out
every shit they'll ever make

351
00:17:28,381 --> 00:17:30,592
in their whole entire life.

352
00:17:31,426 --> 00:17:34,929
Plus, like, callbacks to shits gone by.

353
00:17:35,013 --> 00:17:36,222
[audience laughing]

354
00:17:36,306 --> 00:17:39,434
And, like, future shits
we haven't even invented yet

355
00:17:39,517 --> 00:17:41,895
'cause we don't have that kind of food,
or whatever.

356
00:17:41,978 --> 00:17:43,772
[audience laughing]

357
00:17:43,855 --> 00:17:46,983
You know, much like, uh, uh,
when they, like, take the scarf

358
00:17:47,066 --> 00:17:48,735
out of their tuxedo, or whatever.

359
00:17:49,569 --> 00:17:51,905
Except, imagine that the scarf
is full of shit.

360
00:17:51,988 --> 00:17:54,324
[audience laughing]

361
00:17:54,407 --> 00:17:58,787
[giggles] Um, yeah, I mean,
a birth is a portal.

362
00:17:58,870 --> 00:18:01,539
It's a portal.
You are touching infinity.

363
00:18:01,623 --> 00:18:04,626
You're bringing someone in.
You yourself are changing.

364
00:18:04,709 --> 00:18:10,215
And also, you will make shits
that directly rocket you back...

365
00:18:10,298 --> 00:18:12,342
[audience laughing]

366
00:18:12,425 --> 00:18:15,428
...to other times
where you were emotionally impacted.

367
00:18:15,512 --> 00:18:16,846
[deep inhale]

368
00:18:16,930 --> 00:18:21,768
And there was, like, this one...

369
00:18:21,851 --> 00:18:23,019
doody that I made...

370
00:18:23,102 --> 00:18:25,104
[audience laughing]

371
00:18:25,188 --> 00:18:26,689
...during my labor...

372
00:18:28,024 --> 00:18:33,613
where, I mean, I was like,
"Oh, my God, I know you."

373
00:18:33,696 --> 00:18:37,617
[audience laughing]

374
00:18:37,700 --> 00:18:40,203
I was like, "No way! Like..."

375
00:18:40,286 --> 00:18:43,164
[audience laughing]

376
00:18:43,248 --> 00:18:47,126
"You're from the orchestra trip
to Montreal in seventh grade?"

377
00:18:47,210 --> 00:18:49,170
[audience laughing]

378
00:18:49,254 --> 00:18:51,756
"I fucking know you, man.
I know you from Canada."

379
00:18:51,840 --> 00:18:54,968
Little bit about me at that moment,
I was, like, in seventh grade.

380
00:18:55,051 --> 00:18:56,803
I was, like, two-eleven.

381
00:18:56,886 --> 00:18:59,973
[audience laughing]

382
00:19:00,056 --> 00:19:01,683
Terrible at the violin.

383
00:19:02,600 --> 00:19:04,060
And everyone fucking hated me.

384
00:19:04,143 --> 00:19:06,646
[audience laughing]

385
00:19:06,729 --> 00:19:08,439
Um...

386
00:19:08,523 --> 00:19:11,192
Yeah, uh, and so before
we went on the trip,

387
00:19:11,276 --> 00:19:14,153
my mom, um, was like, "Jenny,

388
00:19:14,237 --> 00:19:17,240
remember to take your lactate pills."

389
00:19:17,323 --> 00:19:18,533
And I was like, "Yeah, right,

390
00:19:18,616 --> 00:19:21,160
I don't want anyone to actually confirm
that I'm a dork, so..."

391
00:19:21,244 --> 00:19:25,748
We went, we got taken
to the Hard Rock Café Montreal.

392
00:19:25,832 --> 00:19:28,251
[audience laughing softly]

393
00:19:30,044 --> 00:19:35,091
Which I might define as the least
Jewish place in the entire world.

394
00:19:35,174 --> 00:19:37,302
[audience laughing]

395
00:19:37,385 --> 00:19:40,972
And I had never been to a restaurant
without my parents before.

396
00:19:41,055 --> 00:19:42,640
I was, like, fucking off the leash.

397
00:19:42,724 --> 00:19:45,268
I just was, like,
"Oh, I can't believe this!" And...

398
00:19:45,351 --> 00:19:48,938
I got, I got sat at a table
of popular kids

399
00:19:49,022 --> 00:19:52,025
and I was, like, expecting someone
to just be like, "Get up!"

400
00:19:52,108 --> 00:19:54,569
But, like, nobody seemed to notice,
so I was like, "Mm,

401
00:19:54,652 --> 00:19:57,196
just don't fuck this up
for yourself." Um...

402
00:19:57,280 --> 00:19:58,865
I just was like, "Just stay here

403
00:19:58,948 --> 00:20:01,200
and maybe, like, stay next to them
and maybe they'll never ask you to leave,"

404
00:20:01,284 --> 00:20:04,203
which, honestly, has served me in
some other relationships later on in life.

405
00:20:04,287 --> 00:20:06,289
-But, um...
-[audience laughing]

406
00:20:06,372 --> 00:20:09,042
So, this kid...

407
00:20:09,918 --> 00:20:11,127
in my memory,

408
00:20:11,210 --> 00:20:16,382
is like, "Okay, so we'll do, um,
double cheese pizza,

409
00:20:16,466 --> 00:20:19,344
uh, we're gonna do mozzarella sticks
for the table.

410
00:20:19,427 --> 00:20:22,138
You guys want mozza sticks?
Okay, cool. Uh...

411
00:20:22,221 --> 00:20:26,100
Uh, loaded nachos, and fully load them,
sour cream as well.

412
00:20:26,184 --> 00:20:29,729
And then a round of milkshakes
for everyone."

413
00:20:29,812 --> 00:20:30,730
[audience laughing]

414
00:20:30,813 --> 00:20:32,899
"That good? That good?
Is that what you guys wanna do?"

415
00:20:32,982 --> 00:20:35,777
I was like, "Oh, yeah, totally cool, man.

416
00:20:35,860 --> 00:20:37,028
To... Yeah."

417
00:20:37,111 --> 00:20:40,031
[audience laughing softly]

418
00:20:40,114 --> 00:20:43,451
These fucking popular Christian kids
ordering so much dairy...

419
00:20:43,534 --> 00:20:45,954
[audience laughing]

420
00:20:46,037 --> 00:20:48,331
I'm like, "Fake it till you make it.

421
00:20:48,414 --> 00:20:50,583
Like, we're in another country.
Maybe I'm not myself."

422
00:20:50,667 --> 00:20:53,586
-And, um...
-[audience laughing]

423
00:20:53,670 --> 00:20:57,548
[clears throat] And I, you know,
you're supposed to take,

424
00:20:57,632 --> 00:21:03,429
I guess, like, one to two lactate pills
with every dairy item.

425
00:21:03,513 --> 00:21:06,307
And in my case,
I took zero with a million.

426
00:21:06,391 --> 00:21:08,643
[audience laughing]

427
00:21:08,726 --> 00:21:11,396
I was super fucking pumped.

428
00:21:11,479 --> 00:21:14,440
I was, like, feasting at the king's table.

429
00:21:14,524 --> 00:21:16,651
I'm, like, throwing down
these mozzarella sticks.

430
00:21:16,734 --> 00:21:19,487
Like, I'm just, like,
a walrus with her mackerel.

431
00:21:19,570 --> 00:21:23,408
-I'm like... [guzzling sounds]
-[audience laughing]

432
00:21:23,491 --> 00:21:26,327
Like, fracking the bottom of my milkshake.

433
00:21:26,411 --> 00:21:29,914
Just being like, "Get it all!"

434
00:21:29,998 --> 00:21:33,584
[audience laughing]

435
00:21:33,668 --> 00:21:37,797
I got up from this table and I was like,

436
00:21:37,880 --> 00:21:40,091
like, I could hear my sphincter yelling.

437
00:21:40,174 --> 00:21:41,884
Like, "We can't hold that!"

438
00:21:41,968 --> 00:21:43,136
[audience laughing]

439
00:21:43,219 --> 00:21:45,179
I was like this, like, I was, like...

440
00:21:45,263 --> 00:21:47,724
[audience laughing]

441
00:21:47,807 --> 00:21:51,102
"Okay, that was so cool to hang out
with all of you guys."

442
00:21:51,185 --> 00:21:54,814
[audience laughing]

443
00:21:56,024 --> 00:21:57,734
And in my memory,

444
00:21:57,817 --> 00:22:00,153
which in order to access
for your benefit tonight,

445
00:22:00,236 --> 00:22:02,572
I have to, like, push through
a curtain of trauma.

446
00:22:02,655 --> 00:22:04,282
'Cause it's, like, on the other side.

447
00:22:04,365 --> 00:22:06,784
It's, like, one of the worst things
that's ever occurred.

448
00:22:06,868 --> 00:22:08,286
In my memory,

449
00:22:08,369 --> 00:22:11,122
uh, at the Hard Rock Café Montreal,

450
00:22:11,205 --> 00:22:15,001
um, there are, like, 250 stairs down...

451
00:22:15,084 --> 00:22:16,669
[audience laughing]

452
00:22:16,753 --> 00:22:18,129
...out of the restaurant.

453
00:22:19,630 --> 00:22:20,840
And, uh...

454
00:22:22,091 --> 00:22:25,595
I lost a little bit of weight
on every stair. You know what I mean.

455
00:22:25,678 --> 00:22:27,722
[audience gasping and laughing]

456
00:22:27,805 --> 00:22:29,348
Yeah.

457
00:22:29,432 --> 00:22:30,308
Yeah.

458
00:22:30,391 --> 00:22:34,145
Like, this was, like,
a full peacock tail...

459
00:22:34,228 --> 00:22:37,356
[audience laughing]

460
00:22:37,440 --> 00:22:38,900
...of diarrhea...

461
00:22:38,983 --> 00:22:41,444
[audience laughing]

462
00:22:43,071 --> 00:22:46,574
-...in a restaurant. And...
-[audience laughing]

463
00:22:46,657 --> 00:22:47,700
[sighs] You know...

464
00:22:50,036 --> 00:22:51,662
I, I like to be positive.

465
00:22:51,746 --> 00:22:54,415
One thing that I really like
about myself, um...

466
00:22:56,084 --> 00:22:59,003
is that I feel that as a living thing,

467
00:22:59,087 --> 00:23:01,839
I'm, like, very in tune with my, like,
mammal rhythms.

468
00:23:01,923 --> 00:23:05,218
Like, even as, like, a young,
young, young person,

469
00:23:05,301 --> 00:23:08,846
I was, like, oh, like,
I dunno, like, do you know that feeling,

470
00:23:08,930 --> 00:23:11,933
like, when you can tell
that you're about to pass away?

471
00:23:12,016 --> 00:23:14,060
[audience laughing]

472
00:23:16,854 --> 00:23:21,901
It's just like a deep, still know,
and you're like, "Oh.

473
00:23:21,984 --> 00:23:25,113
-I'm about to pass."
-[audience laughing]

474
00:23:25,196 --> 00:23:27,907
Like, did you ever have
a childhood pet that, like,

475
00:23:27,990 --> 00:23:29,492
went away to die,

476
00:23:29,575 --> 00:23:34,288
like, like, a cat that, like, went behind
the computer table to just die?

477
00:23:34,372 --> 00:23:36,707
[audience laughing softly]

478
00:23:40,211 --> 00:23:43,464
If there's any Gen Z-ers in the audience,
they're like, "Computer table?"

479
00:23:43,548 --> 00:23:46,676
[audience laughing]

480
00:23:50,763 --> 00:23:53,766
"The computer's in your body now,
you idiot!"

481
00:23:53,850 --> 00:23:55,726
[audience laughing]

482
00:24:00,940 --> 00:24:05,778
You know, like, your friend would be like,
"We couldn't find Oreo for three days.

483
00:24:05,862 --> 00:24:09,782
And then my aunt looked
behind the computer table.

484
00:24:09,866 --> 00:24:12,869
And Oreo had, like,
pushed out one smoke-colored shit

485
00:24:12,952 --> 00:24:14,620
and then Oreo ended."

486
00:24:15,580 --> 00:24:17,915
That's what I was like.
I was like, "She's gone!"

487
00:24:17,999 --> 00:24:19,709
And I was like, "Oh, I'm about to die.

488
00:24:19,792 --> 00:24:22,587
Like, I better go subterranean
and just, like, fucking find my grave."

489
00:24:22,670 --> 00:24:24,172
-And...
-[audience laughing]

490
00:24:24,255 --> 00:24:26,465
I ducked into an underground mall

491
00:24:26,549 --> 00:24:29,343
um, as, like, a tiny seventh-grader, like,

492
00:24:29,427 --> 00:24:31,012
found a bathroom

493
00:24:31,095 --> 00:24:35,099
and alternated between propulsive diarrhea

494
00:24:35,183 --> 00:24:38,352
-and expressive vomit.
-[audience groans]

495
00:24:38,436 --> 00:24:42,190
-I know, thank you so much, honestly.
-[audience laughing]

496
00:24:42,273 --> 00:24:44,859
I would love to just get
a voice memo of that

497
00:24:44,942 --> 00:24:46,527
so I can masturbate to it later.

498
00:24:46,611 --> 00:24:50,781
[audience cheering and laughing]

499
00:24:52,992 --> 00:24:55,369
And then, like,
have you ever just been barfing

500
00:24:55,453 --> 00:24:56,954
and you're getting so weak?

501
00:24:57,038 --> 00:24:59,540
You're, like, holding on the toilet,
and you're like,

502
00:24:59,624 --> 00:25:01,834
"You will not take me down."

503
00:25:01,918 --> 00:25:03,127
[audience laughing]

504
00:25:03,211 --> 00:25:07,298
But, like, obviously, I'm, like,
a very weak person in almost every way

505
00:25:07,381 --> 00:25:09,675
and I had to lay
my little body down, but...

506
00:25:11,010 --> 00:25:15,932
Right before I laid down on the tile
in that underground mall,

507
00:25:16,015 --> 00:25:18,392
I looked into the toilet...

508
00:25:19,602 --> 00:25:22,980
and while I was having my baby,
I saw the exact same shit!

509
00:25:23,064 --> 00:25:25,191
[audience laughing and applauding]

510
00:25:25,274 --> 00:25:26,817
Thank you so much.

511
00:25:28,736 --> 00:25:29,612
Oh.

512
00:25:32,156 --> 00:25:35,076
For the birth... [laughs]

513
00:25:35,159 --> 00:25:37,495
...um, I had an epidural.

514
00:25:37,578 --> 00:25:41,874
Um, and if you don't know what that is,

515
00:25:41,958 --> 00:25:44,627
I don't really care about
describing it to you to know.

516
00:25:44,710 --> 00:25:48,756
[laughs] It's like, if you don't know
what that is, you should know.

517
00:25:48,839 --> 00:25:50,758
Like, I know what a fucking cummerbund is.

518
00:25:50,841 --> 00:25:53,344
[audience laughing]

519
00:25:55,721 --> 00:25:57,223
[sighs] Um...

520
00:25:59,684 --> 00:26:02,853
Sassy, sassy, sassy, sassy.

521
00:26:02,937 --> 00:26:04,689
-Um...
-[audience laughing]

522
00:26:04,772 --> 00:26:07,191
So I, um, I had an epidural

523
00:26:07,275 --> 00:26:08,526
because I...

524
00:26:08,609 --> 00:26:10,569
Bye, hon! Um...

525
00:26:10,653 --> 00:26:12,780
[audience laughing]

526
00:26:12,863 --> 00:26:16,325
No, no, no, no, no, no!

527
00:26:16,409 --> 00:26:19,537
[audience laughing and applauding]

528
00:26:25,918 --> 00:26:27,920
Okay.

529
00:26:29,547 --> 00:26:30,840
I got an epidural

530
00:26:30,923 --> 00:26:32,258
because I really, really wanted one.

531
00:26:32,341 --> 00:26:35,136
Um, because I was really fucking scared
of how it would feel

532
00:26:35,219 --> 00:26:37,847
to have a baby come out
of my vagina. Um...

533
00:26:37,930 --> 00:26:41,851
Yeah, I was not interested
in what that would feel like at all.

534
00:26:41,934 --> 00:26:45,438
Um, it's just really, really scary.
You explode. If you're lucky.

535
00:26:45,521 --> 00:26:48,107
When you have a baby,
if you're lucky, you explode your vagina.

536
00:26:48,190 --> 00:26:50,401
That's the best thing
that can happen to you, so...

537
00:26:50,484 --> 00:26:53,070
Again, find the funny there. But, um...

538
00:26:53,154 --> 00:26:55,531
That's the best-case scenario,
is that you fucking explode.

539
00:26:55,614 --> 00:26:59,452
But, um, I really will say

540
00:26:59,535 --> 00:27:01,620
that I, I think

541
00:27:01,704 --> 00:27:07,209
that nobody has ever reacted as positively

542
00:27:07,293 --> 00:27:09,045
to an epidural

543
00:27:09,128 --> 00:27:10,838
as I did on that...

544
00:27:10,921 --> 00:27:11,797
that evening.

545
00:27:11,881 --> 00:27:14,258
Like, I, before I got the epidural,

546
00:27:14,342 --> 00:27:18,554
I was just like, "I can't! I can't!
I can't! I can't! I can't!"

547
00:27:18,637 --> 00:27:20,514
And then I got the epidural
and I was like,

548
00:27:20,598 --> 00:27:23,059
"So what's it like
to be from Santa Fe, man?"

549
00:27:23,142 --> 00:27:26,937
[audience laughing and cheering]

550
00:27:27,021 --> 00:27:28,731
"Frickin' jamming in here, right now."

551
00:27:29,732 --> 00:27:31,901
I was like,
"Can I get another Italian ice?"

552
00:27:31,984 --> 00:27:34,612
[audience laughing]

553
00:27:34,695 --> 00:27:37,573
Eating the stupid, like, wooden spoon.

554
00:27:37,656 --> 00:27:40,451
Just, like, truly being, like,
"I'll take another," like, 40 minutes

555
00:27:40,534 --> 00:27:44,455
before I fully, like, rip myself
from clit to cornhole. Just, like...

556
00:27:44,538 --> 00:27:45,456
[audience laughing]

557
00:27:45,539 --> 00:27:48,918
...not concerned at all. [laughs]

558
00:27:49,001 --> 00:27:50,711
If anyone's pregnant tonight,

559
00:27:50,795 --> 00:27:51,670
I don't know.

560
00:27:51,754 --> 00:27:53,631
[audience laughing]

561
00:27:55,091 --> 00:27:56,967
Yeah, I honestly, yeah. Um...

562
00:27:58,386 --> 00:27:59,720
Um...

563
00:27:59,804 --> 00:28:05,184
[sighs] And then
after the baby was out of my body,

564
00:28:05,267 --> 00:28:08,771
and I had exploded my vagina,
as I feel like I might've said many times.

565
00:28:08,854 --> 00:28:11,649
It's really important to keep saying it
'cause it really did happen.

566
00:28:11,732 --> 00:28:14,652
And I will not be silenced!
Um, I exploded my vagina!

567
00:28:14,735 --> 00:28:17,196
Um... [chuckles] But, um...

568
00:28:18,364 --> 00:28:21,367
Like, 15 minutes
after that event occurred,

569
00:28:21,450 --> 00:28:24,453
you would think, like, I would get
a call from the Surgeon General

570
00:28:24,537 --> 00:28:27,123
being like, "Congrats.
That was, like, incredible."

571
00:28:27,206 --> 00:28:29,667
-But, um...
-[audience laughing]

572
00:28:29,750 --> 00:28:31,377
It was pretty weird what happened.

573
00:28:31,460 --> 00:28:34,088
First of all, the weird thing was
that I immediately was like,

574
00:28:34,171 --> 00:28:35,965
"I would like to watch Paddington 2."

575
00:28:36,048 --> 00:28:39,760
[audience laughing and applauding]

576
00:28:39,844 --> 00:28:42,138
Paddington 2 is better than Paddington 1

577
00:28:42,221 --> 00:28:44,432
and Paddington 1 fucking ruled.
So, anyway...

578
00:28:44,515 --> 00:28:46,392
If you've seen those movies,
you would know why,

579
00:28:46,475 --> 00:28:48,561
even right after giving birth,
you would be like,

580
00:28:48,644 --> 00:28:50,104
"I have a hankering for Paddington."

581
00:28:50,187 --> 00:28:52,898
Um, great cast. Really good. But, um...

582
00:28:54,608 --> 00:28:56,402
I wasn't allowed to watch it right away

583
00:28:56,485 --> 00:28:58,446
'cause they were like,
"You have something else to do right now."

584
00:28:58,529 --> 00:29:00,364
Um, which is, you know,
what parenthood is.

585
00:29:00,448 --> 00:29:02,074
It's not all about you. Um...

586
00:29:03,200 --> 00:29:06,829
But 15 minutes later,
the nurse came in.

587
00:29:06,912 --> 00:29:09,081
Honestly, I thought she was just
gonna, like, hit me over the head

588
00:29:09,165 --> 00:29:11,208
with a frying pan
and be like, "You're done."

589
00:29:11,292 --> 00:29:13,419
She's like...

590
00:29:13,502 --> 00:29:14,378
"Okay.

591
00:29:14,462 --> 00:29:15,379
Go peepee."

592
00:29:16,380 --> 00:29:17,339
I was like...

593
00:29:18,966 --> 00:29:21,427
-"What?"
-[audience laughing]

594
00:29:21,510 --> 00:29:24,680
She's like, "Mm, mm, go peepee."

595
00:29:24,763 --> 00:29:26,557
[audience laughing]

596
00:29:26,640 --> 00:29:28,225
I was like... [mocking laugh]

597
00:29:29,059 --> 00:29:32,104
Like, surely, I'm not gonna, like,

598
00:29:32,188 --> 00:29:33,814
get the worst injury of my life

599
00:29:33,898 --> 00:29:36,358
and then have to, like, pee out of it.
Right? Like...

600
00:29:36,442 --> 00:29:37,568
That seems weird to me.

601
00:29:37,651 --> 00:29:39,236
If you, like, cut your arm, you'd be like,

602
00:29:39,320 --> 00:29:42,156
"Don't get any peepee on there."
Like, I just...

603
00:29:42,239 --> 00:29:44,825
I was just, like,
why is all this stuff that's happening,

604
00:29:44,909 --> 00:29:47,286
like, it seems, like,
like the wrong medical advise

605
00:29:47,369 --> 00:29:48,704
and it's so weird.

606
00:29:48,787 --> 00:29:51,248
But, like, I guess
you gotta go peepee, or something.

607
00:29:51,332 --> 00:29:53,250
And then, and then,

608
00:29:53,334 --> 00:29:54,752
and then they're just like, "Bye!"

609
00:29:54,835 --> 00:29:56,378
And you just have to leave.

610
00:29:56,462 --> 00:29:57,713
[audience laughing]

611
00:29:57,796 --> 00:29:59,965
Like, you just have to go. It's so weird.

612
00:30:00,049 --> 00:30:02,384
And everyone's like, "How's the baby?"
And you're like...

613
00:30:02,468 --> 00:30:04,178
[shrieks] "Do you know
what just happened to me?"

614
00:30:04,261 --> 00:30:06,013
[audience laughing]

615
00:30:06,096 --> 00:30:10,142
But, honestly, like, if one man

616
00:30:10,226 --> 00:30:13,312
exploded a baby
out of the tip of his peepee...

617
00:30:13,395 --> 00:30:14,939
[audience laughing]

618
00:30:15,022 --> 00:30:17,274
...everyone would be like...

619
00:30:18,484 --> 00:30:19,902
"Did you hear about Scott?"

620
00:30:19,985 --> 00:30:22,404
[audience laughing]

621
00:30:25,574 --> 00:30:28,827
Like, collectively,
we'd be devastated for him.

622
00:30:28,911 --> 00:30:30,829
We've been trained to be devastated

623
00:30:30,913 --> 00:30:33,624
if anything ever happens to the peepees.
And, like...

624
00:30:34,583 --> 00:30:37,211
If, you know, like,
if you were at a party with Scott,

625
00:30:37,294 --> 00:30:39,421
like, you,
even if he had the worst personality,

626
00:30:39,505 --> 00:30:42,800
you'd, like, look right into his eyes
and, like, give him respect, you know.

627
00:30:42,883 --> 00:30:44,385
[audience laughing]

628
00:30:44,468 --> 00:30:49,139
Scott, like, got up from the dinner table
and was like, "Excuse me."

629
00:30:50,516 --> 00:30:52,101
"I have to go to the bathroom."

630
00:30:52,184 --> 00:30:55,187
Everyone would be like, "Scott!"

631
00:30:55,271 --> 00:30:57,565
[audience laughing]

632
00:30:57,648 --> 00:31:00,234
"Do you need us to hug you
from behind, Scott,

633
00:31:00,317 --> 00:31:01,527
while you do your peepee?"

634
00:31:03,279 --> 00:31:04,655
Um...

635
00:31:04,738 --> 00:31:06,365
Much like, I'm sure, all of you,

636
00:31:06,448 --> 00:31:09,159
I got pregnant
on the very first night of the pandemic.

637
00:31:09,243 --> 00:31:11,412
[audience laughing]

638
00:31:11,495 --> 00:31:13,289
Romantic, huh?

639
00:31:14,290 --> 00:31:17,334
Um, what happened there... [clears throat]

640
00:31:17,418 --> 00:31:21,297
...was that, and I'm not about to, like,
describe sex to you. Don't worry.

641
00:31:22,256 --> 00:31:24,800
Um, what happened was that, like,

642
00:31:24,883 --> 00:31:28,512
we, my husband and I, were, like, okay,

643
00:31:28,596 --> 00:31:30,598
LA is, like, about to lock down

644
00:31:30,681 --> 00:31:33,392
and maybe we should just, like,
drive back to Massachusetts.

645
00:31:33,475 --> 00:31:37,271
And, like, before even just, like,
calmly, like, looking at each other

646
00:31:37,354 --> 00:31:39,940
and being like, all right,
we're gonna do it, I was like, "Got it!"

647
00:31:40,024 --> 00:31:43,444
And, like, ran outside...

648
00:31:43,527 --> 00:31:45,029
[audience laughing]

649
00:31:45,112 --> 00:31:46,697
I was like, "We need food!"

650
00:31:47,865 --> 00:31:49,491
"We need food for the car!"

651
00:31:49,575 --> 00:31:53,746
And, like, picked 40 lemons
off of a lemon tree.

652
00:31:53,829 --> 00:31:55,331
[audience laughing]

653
00:31:58,042 --> 00:32:00,711
Like, threw them into the back of the car.

654
00:32:02,046 --> 00:32:05,257
Ran into the house,
got a squeezy bottle of mayo.

655
00:32:05,341 --> 00:32:08,302
[audience laughing]

656
00:32:08,385 --> 00:32:12,640
And, like, a packet of tortillas
from the fridge.

657
00:32:12,723 --> 00:32:15,142
And then, like, I-I, like,

658
00:32:15,225 --> 00:32:18,812
the other thing is that we made it, like,
a lot scarier for ourselves

659
00:32:18,896 --> 00:32:21,899
'cause we were like,
we decided to leave at dawn.

660
00:32:21,982 --> 00:32:23,692
[audience laughing]

661
00:32:23,776 --> 00:32:24,652
It's like...

662
00:32:25,736 --> 00:32:29,740
Honestly, no need.
Like, leave at 11:00, 11:15, it'll be,

663
00:32:29,823 --> 00:32:31,325
like, less stressful.

664
00:32:31,408 --> 00:32:34,119
But, like, instead we were like,
"My beloved..."

665
00:32:34,203 --> 00:32:35,954
[audience laughing]

666
00:32:36,038 --> 00:32:37,956
"...when the sun peaks..."

667
00:32:38,040 --> 00:32:41,543
Like, it was like, okay,
I guess this is what we decided to do.

668
00:32:41,627 --> 00:32:42,503
And...

669
00:32:43,837 --> 00:32:45,923
it was, I was frightened.

670
00:32:46,006 --> 00:32:47,508
Um, but also,

671
00:32:47,591 --> 00:32:52,429
there is a very, very large portion
of my personality

672
00:32:52,513 --> 00:32:54,598
that is a relentless optimist.

673
00:32:54,682 --> 00:32:59,269
And I really also love
spending time with my husband

674
00:32:59,353 --> 00:33:01,647
and I liked that, like,
we would be together nonstop.

675
00:33:01,730 --> 00:33:05,359
-And I'm sure he felt the same way! Um...
-[audience laughing]

676
00:33:05,442 --> 00:33:07,778
But, um, I just,

677
00:33:07,861 --> 00:33:09,488
there... I knew it was serious,

678
00:33:09,571 --> 00:33:11,448
but also, that part of me was like...

679
00:33:11,532 --> 00:33:15,577
[singing] "Road trip,
road trip with my boyfriend. Here I go..."

680
00:33:15,661 --> 00:33:17,371
-He's like...
-[audience laughing]

681
00:33:17,454 --> 00:33:20,999
"No, not road trip with your boyfriend.

682
00:33:21,083 --> 00:33:22,793
Plague, and you need to leave."

683
00:33:22,876 --> 00:33:24,920
[audience laughing]

684
00:33:25,003 --> 00:33:28,841
But still, I was like,
no, but I'm still alive

685
00:33:28,924 --> 00:33:31,427
and, like, I like to costume myself
for the moment.

686
00:33:31,510 --> 00:33:32,720
Like, adornment is worth something

687
00:33:32,803 --> 00:33:34,680
and no one will ever
convince me otherwise.

688
00:33:34,763 --> 00:33:37,933
So, like, I'm gonna pick an outfit
that I can wear for this whole road trip

689
00:33:38,016 --> 00:33:40,519
that, like, represents who I am
and what I'm feeling right now.

690
00:33:40,602 --> 00:33:42,563
Like, who gives a shit? I really do.

691
00:33:42,646 --> 00:33:44,857
And I was like, what should I...

692
00:33:44,940 --> 00:33:47,901
Like, we're not, you know,
we're not, like, taking a lot of stuff.

693
00:33:47,985 --> 00:33:50,529
And, um, I was like, well,

694
00:33:50,612 --> 00:33:53,157
what's something I could wear that, like,

695
00:33:53,240 --> 00:33:55,534
it'll be, like, "I'm down to earth
but I'm cute."

696
00:33:55,617 --> 00:33:57,661
-And...
-[audience laughing]

697
00:33:57,745 --> 00:33:59,872
I was like, oh,

698
00:33:59,955 --> 00:34:01,915
in romcoms,

699
00:34:01,999 --> 00:34:06,211
when the, like, main person
has gone through their, like, bad time,

700
00:34:07,087 --> 00:34:10,132
and then they're like, "Actually,
I will start my cupcake store."

701
00:34:10,215 --> 00:34:11,759
[audience laughing]

702
00:34:11,842 --> 00:34:15,012
They're like, "I'm gonna put my wallpaper
up in my new cupcake store."

703
00:34:15,094 --> 00:34:16,804
And when they're doing that,

704
00:34:16,889 --> 00:34:19,056
they wear overalls.

705
00:34:19,141 --> 00:34:20,768
[audience laughing]

706
00:34:20,851 --> 00:34:22,436
Yeah. They wear overalls.

707
00:34:22,518 --> 00:34:24,605
Um, and I was like, oh, that's so cute.

708
00:34:24,688 --> 00:34:26,523
I'll wear overalls. It'll be my one thing.

709
00:34:26,607 --> 00:34:29,150
I'll have, like, a couple of tank tops,
I'll change them out.

710
00:34:29,234 --> 00:34:31,987
Um, no bra 'cause I'm horny. And...

711
00:34:32,070 --> 00:34:33,237
[audience laughing]

712
00:34:33,322 --> 00:34:36,033
Um, I was just like, yeah, great, got it.

713
00:34:36,116 --> 00:34:37,701
The thing was, that, like,

714
00:34:37,784 --> 00:34:39,786
at the start of the pandemic,

715
00:34:39,870 --> 00:34:42,873
there were many of us that were like,
what are we doing here?

716
00:34:42,956 --> 00:34:44,708
Like, do we wear the mask?
Do we wear a glove?

717
00:34:44,792 --> 00:34:46,502
Do we not wear it here?
Like, what do we do?

718
00:34:46,585 --> 00:34:48,045
Where is it? Blah-blah-blah.

719
00:34:48,128 --> 00:34:50,297
And so we were like, well,
we just shouldn't be around other people

720
00:34:50,380 --> 00:34:51,882
as much as possible. Just not.

721
00:34:51,965 --> 00:34:54,967
So, like, if we're gonna have to pee,
we're not gonna go inside,

722
00:34:55,052 --> 00:34:56,637
we're gonna, like,
pee on the side of the road.

723
00:34:56,719 --> 00:34:58,388
That's, like, you know.

724
00:34:58,472 --> 00:35:02,267
And, like, not to be a snob,
but I love peeing in toilets.

725
00:35:02,351 --> 00:35:05,270
-Um...
-[audience laughing]

726
00:35:05,354 --> 00:35:07,940
It's not a fetish, it's a preference.

727
00:35:08,023 --> 00:35:10,442
I fucking love it, you know. And, um...

728
00:35:10,526 --> 00:35:16,532
And I'm not like that seasoned
at doing it a different way. And...

729
00:35:16,615 --> 00:35:19,868
I don't, you know, I don't know, like,
how many times in your life

730
00:35:19,952 --> 00:35:22,496
you've worn overalls and been outside

731
00:35:22,579 --> 00:35:25,791
and trying to go to the bathroom
on the ground, but...

732
00:35:25,874 --> 00:35:27,918
when you clip them off...

733
00:35:29,086 --> 00:35:32,798
they're not like, "Got ya!"
And, like, go to the front of the room.

734
00:35:32,881 --> 00:35:34,675
[audience laughing]

735
00:35:34,758 --> 00:35:36,426
They lay out behind you.

736
00:35:37,469 --> 00:35:39,888
Like something
waiting to be filled with shame.

737
00:35:39,972 --> 00:35:41,974
[audience laughing]

738
00:35:42,057 --> 00:35:44,560
And so I, on the side of a road,

739
00:35:44,643 --> 00:35:45,978
because I'm a considerate person

740
00:35:46,061 --> 00:35:48,689
and didn't wanna fucking show my taint
to the entire world,

741
00:35:48,772 --> 00:35:50,315
and I was, like, thinking about that.

742
00:35:50,399 --> 00:35:53,151
I was like, "Uh, how do I,
like, cover this up?

743
00:35:53,235 --> 00:35:55,362
and, like, not let anybody see my, mm."

744
00:35:55,445 --> 00:36:00,284
And I, I sort of, like, forgot the other,
like, elements of the situation

745
00:36:00,367 --> 00:36:03,161
and I,
I just peed right into the overalls.

746
00:36:03,245 --> 00:36:05,038
[audience laughing]

747
00:36:05,122 --> 00:36:06,248
Peed right into the overalls.

748
00:36:07,749 --> 00:36:09,418
And... [sighs]

749
00:36:09,501 --> 00:36:13,881
My lord, I wish that this happened
in, like, Connecticut, more to the east.

750
00:36:13,964 --> 00:36:17,259
Um, in fact, it was in New Mexico.

751
00:36:17,342 --> 00:36:18,802
[audience laughing]

752
00:36:18,886 --> 00:36:21,471
Check your maps. Not that far from LA.

753
00:36:22,764 --> 00:36:24,474
How can I put this?

754
00:36:24,558 --> 00:36:25,559
Have you ever...

755
00:36:26,393 --> 00:36:28,312
peed in your pants,

756
00:36:29,396 --> 00:36:31,315
but the pee's, like, on your back?

757
00:36:31,398 --> 00:36:34,902
[audience laughing and applauding]

758
00:36:36,278 --> 00:36:38,614
It was like
it had its hand on my shoulder.

759
00:36:38,697 --> 00:36:40,449
[audience laughing]

760
00:36:40,532 --> 00:36:43,160
Like, for the whole trip,
it was just like...

761
00:36:43,243 --> 00:36:46,246
[audience laughing]

762
00:36:54,421 --> 00:36:56,924
"You're a fucking fool, girl."

763
00:36:57,007 --> 00:36:59,927
Like, whispering in my ear, you know.

764
00:37:00,010 --> 00:37:01,845
And then, we were like, okay, we're gonna,

765
00:37:01,929 --> 00:37:05,682
we made it to Massachusetts
from Los Angeles in three days.

766
00:37:05,766 --> 00:37:07,601
That's a very impressive pace.

767
00:37:07,684 --> 00:37:10,646
And we would drive, like,
16 to 17 hours a day.

768
00:37:10,729 --> 00:37:12,981
I'd just, like, find a place on the map
and be like, "Go to that place."

769
00:37:13,065 --> 00:37:14,608
And we would, like, get the phone number

770
00:37:14,691 --> 00:37:16,777
and, like, I would,
you know, wanna warn them,

771
00:37:16,860 --> 00:37:18,195
like, we're coming, you know.

772
00:37:18,278 --> 00:37:20,572
Like, I would call
and be really respectful, and be like,

773
00:37:20,656 --> 00:37:22,407
[screaming]

774
00:37:22,491 --> 00:37:25,202
-[audience laughing]
-[loud thud]

775
00:37:25,285 --> 00:37:27,204
[audience laughing]

776
00:37:28,497 --> 00:37:30,499
The phantom of the opera.

777
00:37:30,582 --> 00:37:34,002
[audience cheering and applauding]

778
00:37:37,422 --> 00:37:41,385
[Jenny laughing]

779
00:37:41,468 --> 00:37:43,053
[evil laugh] Um...

780
00:37:43,136 --> 00:37:44,930
[audience laughing]

781
00:37:51,937 --> 00:37:55,190
We get to where we were going.
We had masks, we had gloves.

782
00:37:55,273 --> 00:37:56,441
We had hats?

783
00:37:56,525 --> 00:37:58,610
-[audience laughing]
-Okay.

784
00:37:58,694 --> 00:38:03,198
[inhales] Um, and, um,
we just would go in there,

785
00:38:03,281 --> 00:38:05,450
we would spray everything down.

786
00:38:05,534 --> 00:38:08,453
And then we would roll out sleeping bags

787
00:38:08,537 --> 00:38:09,871
and put them on the beds.

788
00:38:09,955 --> 00:38:11,289
[audience laughing]

789
00:38:11,373 --> 00:38:12,749
And then be like, "Goodnight."

790
00:38:12,833 --> 00:38:16,378
[audience laughing]

791
00:38:18,255 --> 00:38:21,466
Why two different sleeping bags?
I'm unsure, like,

792
00:38:21,550 --> 00:38:25,762
we were unmasked in the car, together,

793
00:38:25,846 --> 00:38:29,349
with, like, free pee.

794
00:38:29,433 --> 00:38:30,976
Like, pee around, I don't know.

795
00:38:31,059 --> 00:38:32,519
I was just like, okay,
I guess this is what we're...

796
00:38:32,602 --> 00:38:34,938
Like, I dunno, this is the protocol
we're comfortable with.

797
00:38:35,022 --> 00:38:37,399
And day two...

798
00:38:38,817 --> 00:38:40,652
I got some information via the internet.

799
00:38:40,736 --> 00:38:42,154
I don't know if you guys
have ever done that,

800
00:38:42,237 --> 00:38:44,823
but sometimes it's unreliable and...

801
00:38:44,906 --> 00:38:47,743
I was, like, dismantling really fast.

802
00:38:47,826 --> 00:38:49,494
Um, like really falling apart

803
00:38:49,578 --> 00:38:51,496
and it hit, like, just Olympic rate.

804
00:38:51,580 --> 00:38:54,875
And, uh, I looked at him,

805
00:38:54,958 --> 00:38:58,628
I look at my phone, I look at him,
I'm like... [panting]

806
00:38:58,712 --> 00:39:00,255
He's like, "What?"

807
00:39:00,338 --> 00:39:02,674
I'm like... [breathes heavily]

808
00:39:02,758 --> 00:39:06,636
[clicks tongue] "They say
it can be in your beard."

809
00:39:06,720 --> 00:39:08,847
-[audience laughing]
-He's like...

810
00:39:08,930 --> 00:39:11,016
"Jenny, what?"

811
00:39:11,099 --> 00:39:13,852
I'm like... [panting]

812
00:39:14,811 --> 00:39:18,690
"It can be in your beard!"

813
00:39:18,774 --> 00:39:20,358
[audience laughing]

814
00:39:20,442 --> 00:39:22,277
"You gotta shave it."

815
00:39:22,360 --> 00:39:25,030
[audience laughing]

816
00:39:28,158 --> 00:39:30,285
Like, granted,
this is the time when, like,

817
00:39:30,368 --> 00:39:34,748
both my parents were getting, like,
fully nude outside of their front door.

818
00:39:34,831 --> 00:39:36,458
Like, wearing gas masks

819
00:39:36,541 --> 00:39:39,544
and my mom, like, spraying down
my dad's physical penis

820
00:39:39,628 --> 00:39:41,963
while he, like, Windexed pita chip bags.

821
00:39:42,047 --> 00:39:45,050
Like, nobody knew
what the fuck was going on.

822
00:39:45,133 --> 00:39:47,511
[audience laughing]

823
00:39:50,388 --> 00:39:56,103
But my husband is truly, like,
he is such a darling, sweet person.

824
00:39:56,186 --> 00:39:59,231
And I made him shave his beard.

825
00:39:59,314 --> 00:40:01,149
[audience laughing]

826
00:40:01,233 --> 00:40:03,110
I didn't shave my head.

827
00:40:03,193 --> 00:40:05,987
[audience laughing]

828
00:40:06,071 --> 00:40:07,114
[audience] Whoo!

829
00:40:08,865 --> 00:40:11,493
Didn't even offer
to bleach my mustache in solidarity.

830
00:40:11,576 --> 00:40:13,495
[audience laughing]

831
00:40:13,578 --> 00:40:19,584
We left that motel with surfaces cleaner
than we had arrived.

832
00:40:19,668 --> 00:40:21,169
Beds unslept in.

833
00:40:22,712 --> 00:40:25,966
And a trashcan filled with, like,
tiny little hairs.

834
00:40:27,300 --> 00:40:30,971
Which, by the way, if you didn't know
that a pandemic was beginning,

835
00:40:31,054 --> 00:40:34,057
you'd be like, "Oh, yeah, I saw them.
They were murderers."

836
00:40:34,141 --> 00:40:37,519
[audience laughing]

837
00:40:37,602 --> 00:40:39,813
"They for sure had done a murder."

838
00:40:39,896 --> 00:40:44,484
Um, yeah, they had all the, sort of,
the fixings of being on the lam.

839
00:40:44,568 --> 00:40:45,443
Um...

840
00:40:46,319 --> 00:40:48,738
[clears throat] Yeah. I mean,

841
00:40:48,822 --> 00:40:50,949
the third day we get to Massachusetts

842
00:40:51,032 --> 00:40:53,994
and, like, that was the official day
of the lockdown.

843
00:40:54,077 --> 00:40:58,331
I don't know how your sexualities work,

844
00:40:58,415 --> 00:40:59,749
um...

845
00:40:59,833 --> 00:41:02,294
Would love it
if you wanna email me about it.

846
00:41:02,377 --> 00:41:03,712
[audience laughing]

847
00:41:03,795 --> 00:41:06,840
It's Hanukkah42069...

848
00:41:06,923 --> 00:41:09,843
[audience laughing]

849
00:41:09,926 --> 00:41:11,887
...at jcrew.com.

850
00:41:11,970 --> 00:41:14,431
[audience laughing]

851
00:41:14,514 --> 00:41:18,518
But, um, for me,
we arrived at the doorstep.

852
00:41:18,602 --> 00:41:21,021
I was, like, "I'm covered in piss.

853
00:41:21,897 --> 00:41:23,315
I'm exhausted.

854
00:41:23,398 --> 00:41:25,317
I'm deeply terrified.

855
00:41:26,776 --> 00:41:28,111
I'm dripping wet.

856
00:41:28,195 --> 00:41:29,196
Let's bone."

857
00:41:29,279 --> 00:41:31,823
[audience laughing]

858
00:41:31,907 --> 00:41:33,742
And I got pregnant right away.

859
00:41:33,825 --> 00:41:36,119
[audience laughing]

860
00:41:36,203 --> 00:41:38,872
Then I was like, "Oh, no!"
[nervous giggles]

861
00:41:38,955 --> 00:41:40,332
Like, not, like, I was excited,

862
00:41:40,415 --> 00:41:42,417
but I also was, like,
"This is fucking scary.

863
00:41:42,500 --> 00:41:44,794
Like, I'm pregnant during a plague?"

864
00:41:45,670 --> 00:41:47,547
And then I was like, "Wait."

865
00:41:49,299 --> 00:41:51,218
"Isn't this in the Bible?"

866
00:41:51,301 --> 00:41:54,095
[audience laughing]

867
00:41:55,722 --> 00:41:59,893
Oh, and I don't know, I mean,
I, I don't know, like, the New Testament,

868
00:41:59,976 --> 00:42:03,230
-but...
-[audience laughing]

869
00:42:03,313 --> 00:42:06,399
From the texts that I remember,

870
00:42:06,483 --> 00:42:10,403
there's not, like, a parable about a woman

871
00:42:10,487 --> 00:42:13,740
who travels a continent
covered in her own piss,

872
00:42:13,823 --> 00:42:16,159
while taking in, like,
42 hours of podcasts

873
00:42:16,243 --> 00:42:17,827
and retaining no information, but...

874
00:42:17,911 --> 00:42:19,454
[audience laughing]

875
00:42:19,537 --> 00:42:21,539
Maybe it's in one of the P-salms.

876
00:42:21,623 --> 00:42:24,584
[audience laughing]

877
00:42:24,668 --> 00:42:27,754
[Jenny laughing]

878
00:42:27,837 --> 00:42:30,340
Why, why do they call it that? Come on.

879
00:42:30,423 --> 00:42:33,635
P-salms. [inhales] Um...

880
00:42:33,718 --> 00:42:38,556
Um, anyway, speaking of religious texts,

881
00:42:39,724 --> 00:42:43,478
um, I don't know if you're, like, familiar
with my body of work,

882
00:42:43,561 --> 00:42:48,692
but, um, at the end of my last special,

883
00:42:48,775 --> 00:42:52,028
um, I, uh, I said something

884
00:42:52,112 --> 00:42:56,700
which now, to me, just feels like, like,
cave writing on a wall, or something.

885
00:42:56,783 --> 00:42:57,784
I'm like, "Who did that?"

886
00:42:57,867 --> 00:42:59,202
But, um, you know,

887
00:42:59,286 --> 00:43:01,955
reviewing the footage, I seem to have said

888
00:43:02,038 --> 00:43:04,916
that, uh, I was not going to date anymore

889
00:43:05,000 --> 00:43:07,127
and that I was going to

890
00:43:07,210 --> 00:43:11,715
"turn my pussy into a museum
with a major alarm system."

891
00:43:11,798 --> 00:43:13,425
[audience laughing]

892
00:43:13,508 --> 00:43:15,802
She said that. Well, I guess I did.

893
00:43:15,885 --> 00:43:20,473
Um, and that I could only masturbate
to the full moon, um...

894
00:43:21,558 --> 00:43:24,060
because patriarchy
had ruined all men for me.

895
00:43:24,144 --> 00:43:25,478
And, um,

896
00:43:25,562 --> 00:43:30,108
you know, I really admire the specificity
of that plan, but...

897
00:43:30,191 --> 00:43:31,901
[audience laughing]

898
00:43:31,985 --> 00:43:34,988
Like, it turned out to be just, like,
super impractical, I guess.

899
00:43:35,071 --> 00:43:38,992
And just, yeah, it was, like,
it was, like, hard to get done.

900
00:43:39,075 --> 00:43:40,243
And, like, there's not, like,

901
00:43:40,327 --> 00:43:42,412
there's not, like,
a full moon every night and...

902
00:43:42,495 --> 00:43:44,164
[audience laughing]

903
00:43:45,206 --> 00:43:48,793
I like, like, committed relationships.
Um, need it to be there.

904
00:43:48,877 --> 00:43:53,423
Um, and so what happened then
was that I just kind of was like,

905
00:43:53,506 --> 00:43:55,800
I'm like, I didn't wanna,
like, go on an app,

906
00:43:55,884 --> 00:43:59,054
I don't want, like,
a computer to help me find someone.

907
00:43:59,137 --> 00:44:00,555
I just, like, wanna find them on Earth.

908
00:44:00,638 --> 00:44:02,432
And so I was like,

909
00:44:02,515 --> 00:44:04,642
I don't know... [sighs]

910
00:44:04,726 --> 00:44:06,311
...sleeping with a lot of friends.

911
00:44:06,394 --> 00:44:09,105
I really miss those friendships,
wish I hadn't done that.

912
00:44:09,189 --> 00:44:11,232
[audience laughing]

913
00:44:11,316 --> 00:44:12,817
Oopsies.

914
00:44:12,901 --> 00:44:14,444
[audience laughing]

915
00:44:14,527 --> 00:44:15,987
[inhales] Sorry.

916
00:44:16,071 --> 00:44:18,573
[audience and Jenny laughing]

917
00:44:18,656 --> 00:44:21,201
Come to think of it,
I shouldn't have done that. Um...

918
00:44:22,410 --> 00:44:25,330
And then, um,
after I was like, "Well, who's left?"

919
00:44:25,413 --> 00:44:28,083
-Um...
-[audience laughing]

920
00:44:28,166 --> 00:44:31,252
I was just kind of, like, on the sidewalk,

921
00:44:31,336 --> 00:44:33,797
like, hoping to make eye contact.
Like, just being like...

922
00:44:35,215 --> 00:44:39,552
"You looked into it, it's your wife now.
It's your wife now. You found me." Um...

923
00:44:39,636 --> 00:44:44,516
And then, finally, I met my husband.

924
00:44:44,599 --> 00:44:47,435
Um, and it was really wonderful and...

925
00:44:47,519 --> 00:44:49,604
-[audience] Whoo!
-Yeah.

926
00:44:49,687 --> 00:44:50,647
Totally.

927
00:44:50,730 --> 00:44:52,023
[audience cheering and applauding]

928
00:44:52,107 --> 00:44:53,900
Yeah. Yeah.

929
00:44:53,983 --> 00:44:57,112
But, um, when I fell in love with him,

930
00:44:57,195 --> 00:44:59,989
he lived in Amsterdam.

931
00:45:00,073 --> 00:45:03,952
Um, and, like, he was here,
but then he had to go back.

932
00:45:04,035 --> 00:45:07,080
And, like, obviously, after one second,
I was deeply in love with him,

933
00:45:07,163 --> 00:45:10,667
but afraid to tell him
because I wanted to be chill. Um...

934
00:45:10,750 --> 00:45:12,627
Which, by the way, is a fool's errand.

935
00:45:13,837 --> 00:45:16,923
And I'll just add
that chillness is not real.

936
00:45:17,006 --> 00:45:21,386
Uh, I don't believe
that chill people exist.

937
00:45:21,469 --> 00:45:25,432
I think it is a concept
that misogynists invented

938
00:45:25,515 --> 00:45:28,435
so that we could act
like we don't have needs.

939
00:45:28,518 --> 00:45:32,105
[audience cheering and applauding]

940
00:45:34,649 --> 00:45:36,943
Um, so I fell in love with him.

941
00:45:37,026 --> 00:45:39,737
He had to go back to Amsterdam.

942
00:45:39,821 --> 00:45:43,908
And, um, that, obviously,
deeply broke my heart.

943
00:45:43,992 --> 00:45:47,579
Um, and I wasn't gonna be like,
"So, where are we at?" You know, um...

944
00:45:50,832 --> 00:45:55,378
I wanted to be like, "I'm totally cool
if you have other lovers." Um...

945
00:45:55,462 --> 00:45:57,297
[audience laughing]

946
00:45:59,799 --> 00:46:01,426
Ugh, that was not how I felt.

947
00:46:01,509 --> 00:46:03,928
Um, and then, much to my delight,

948
00:46:04,012 --> 00:46:07,474
he was like,
"I don't wanna be apart from you."

949
00:46:10,185 --> 00:46:14,439
And he was like, "Would you like
to come to Amsterdam with me,

950
00:46:14,522 --> 00:46:15,607
um, for Christmas?"

951
00:46:15,690 --> 00:46:18,026
And, of course, I was like,
"Tickets, tickets right now!"

952
00:46:18,109 --> 00:46:20,778
Um, but I was like, "Oh,
let me check my iCal,

953
00:46:20,862 --> 00:46:24,365
as if I've ever once used that.
Um... [clears throat]

954
00:46:24,449 --> 00:46:27,327
Whenever anyone tells me
to be somewhere, I'm like, "Got it!"

955
00:46:27,410 --> 00:46:30,914
[audience laughing]

956
00:46:30,997 --> 00:46:32,916
So he's like, "Come to Amsterdam."

957
00:46:32,999 --> 00:46:35,960
And I, you know, right now, I mean,

958
00:46:36,044 --> 00:46:40,673
I'm, like, a casual Satanist,
but, um, I was raised Jewish.

959
00:46:40,757 --> 00:46:46,054
And that means, for me,
that during the Christmas holidays,

960
00:46:46,137 --> 00:46:50,600
um, I can fly anywhere in the world
to suck anyone's dick.

961
00:46:50,683 --> 00:46:52,727
[audience laughing and applauding]

962
00:46:56,856 --> 00:46:58,733
'Cause I don't have a family obligation.

963
00:46:59,776 --> 00:47:01,611
He's like,
"What are you doing for Christmas?"

964
00:47:01,694 --> 00:47:04,113
I'm like, "Riding you, I suspect."

965
00:47:04,197 --> 00:47:07,242
[audience laughing]

966
00:47:07,325 --> 00:47:09,953
"Oinky, oinky, Father Christmas."

967
00:47:10,036 --> 00:47:12,163
He's like, "What?" I'm like, "Nothing."

968
00:47:12,247 --> 00:47:13,623
Um...

969
00:47:15,375 --> 00:47:18,836
So I took an airplane to Amsterdam.

970
00:47:18,920 --> 00:47:22,298
He came to the airport with flowers,

971
00:47:22,382 --> 00:47:24,926
which, obviously, made me
have an orgasm right away.

972
00:47:25,009 --> 00:47:26,010
[audience laughing]

973
00:47:26,094 --> 00:47:28,137
And I was like, "I'm coming."
Like that, like...

974
00:47:29,264 --> 00:47:31,099
Which is, by the way, how you have to come

975
00:47:31,182 --> 00:47:33,226
if you have a sleeping two-year-old
in your house.

976
00:47:33,309 --> 00:47:35,853
You have to, like, claw your way up
to your partner's ear and be like,

977
00:47:35,937 --> 00:47:36,980
"I'm coming right now."

978
00:47:37,063 --> 00:47:39,440
[audience laughing and applauding]

979
00:47:44,279 --> 00:47:45,572
[clears throat] Um,

980
00:47:45,655 --> 00:47:47,740
and he was like,

981
00:47:48,741 --> 00:47:51,744
um, he was like, "I've got
such a nice trip for us planned.

982
00:47:51,828 --> 00:47:53,288
Like, we're gonna go
to the Rembrandt Museum.

983
00:47:53,371 --> 00:47:54,622
We're gonna get a little Christmas tree.

984
00:47:54,706 --> 00:47:56,165
And, like, we're gonna go to the circus."

985
00:47:56,249 --> 00:48:00,128
And I was like, "Don't ask me
if I need to go to the Anne Frank House."

986
00:48:00,211 --> 00:48:01,713
[audience laughing]

987
00:48:01,796 --> 00:48:04,966
I do not need an epigenetic meltdown

988
00:48:05,049 --> 00:48:06,342
on my sex vacation.

989
00:48:06,426 --> 00:48:08,094
[audience laughing]

990
00:48:08,177 --> 00:48:10,013
I know it's there, I know what happened.

991
00:48:10,096 --> 00:48:13,224
I can feel it in my spirit.
I don't wanna talk about it right now.

992
00:48:13,308 --> 00:48:16,394
[audience laughing]

993
00:48:16,477 --> 00:48:19,188
And he's like, ba-da-da,
we'll do this and that

994
00:48:19,272 --> 00:48:22,191
and then we'll get on the bikes.
And I was like...

995
00:48:22,275 --> 00:48:24,068
[gasps] "Wh... I'm sorry?"

996
00:48:24,152 --> 00:48:25,486
[audience laughing]

997
00:48:25,570 --> 00:48:28,573
"So sorry, I feel like I heard,
like, a, like a weird word."

998
00:48:28,656 --> 00:48:30,575
[audience laughing softly]

999
00:48:30,658 --> 00:48:33,202
He's like, "We'll get on the bikes."
And I was like...

1000
00:48:36,956 --> 00:48:38,875
"Oh, there's the other fucking shoe."

1001
00:48:38,958 --> 00:48:41,836
[audience laughing]

1002
00:48:41,919 --> 00:48:45,923
I'm looking at this guy, I'm like,
"I thought you were fucking perfect."

1003
00:48:46,007 --> 00:48:47,175
[audience laughing]

1004
00:48:47,258 --> 00:48:49,969
"And now you just said
the most fucked up thing

1005
00:48:50,053 --> 00:48:51,929
that anyone has ever said to me!"

1006
00:48:52,013 --> 00:48:54,891
[audience laughing]

1007
00:48:54,974 --> 00:48:56,809
"Get on the bikes?

1008
00:48:56,893 --> 00:48:58,603
How dare you!"

1009
00:48:58,686 --> 00:49:02,940
Like, the idea that you would just be so,

1010
00:49:03,024 --> 00:49:06,569
you would just assume that someone
would do sports with you

1011
00:49:06,653 --> 00:49:08,196
in another country...

1012
00:49:08,279 --> 00:49:10,490
[audience laughing]

1013
00:49:10,573 --> 00:49:12,075
Like, I was fucking freaked out.

1014
00:49:12,158 --> 00:49:14,619
Like, I was like, "I should get
on another plane and go home."

1015
00:49:14,702 --> 00:49:17,455
Like, this is so...
And I was just, like, standing there,

1016
00:49:17,538 --> 00:49:19,749
like, like, I'm not an adrenaline junkie,

1017
00:49:19,832 --> 00:49:22,418
you know, I don't wanna
fucking ride a bike. But like...

1018
00:49:22,502 --> 00:49:24,962
[audience laughing]

1019
00:49:26,172 --> 00:49:27,924
I was just like...

1020
00:49:28,007 --> 00:49:30,551
I want to be brave for love.

1021
00:49:31,969 --> 00:49:34,389
Like, I really want to be brave for love.

1022
00:49:34,472 --> 00:49:35,473
That's what I'm like.

1023
00:49:35,556 --> 00:49:37,975
More than I'm a person
who's afraid to ride a bike,

1024
00:49:38,059 --> 00:49:39,352
I want to be brave for love.

1025
00:49:39,435 --> 00:49:42,814
Like, I wanna go to bed at night
and be like, "I was brave for love."

1026
00:49:42,897 --> 00:49:45,358
And, like, go off into dreamland,
you know.

1027
00:49:45,441 --> 00:49:46,776
[audience laughing]

1028
00:49:46,859 --> 00:49:51,781
But have you ever been faced with, like,
a gorgeous situation

1029
00:49:51,864 --> 00:49:54,200
that you have wished for?

1030
00:49:54,283 --> 00:49:58,204
Like, that a really good person
really loves you

1031
00:49:58,287 --> 00:50:00,707
and is being super fucking nice to you.

1032
00:50:00,790 --> 00:50:02,458
And they're not doing anything wrong.

1033
00:50:02,542 --> 00:50:04,335
And it's exactly what you asked for.

1034
00:50:04,419 --> 00:50:08,756
And your reaction, um,
is to be filled with fear fantasies

1035
00:50:08,840 --> 00:50:10,091
and suspicion

1036
00:50:10,174 --> 00:50:12,468
and, um, be unable to trust.

1037
00:50:12,552 --> 00:50:16,097
And you're like, "Oh, that's a mismatched
sort of kind of thingy there."

1038
00:50:16,180 --> 00:50:19,058
And you're like, "It feels really bad
to feel this way.

1039
00:50:19,142 --> 00:50:22,186
And also, it's, like,
a really bad fucking look."

1040
00:50:22,270 --> 00:50:23,813
But you can't stop yourself.

1041
00:50:23,896 --> 00:50:26,816
You're just like, "Oh, no, but if
I trust them, then I'll let my guard down

1042
00:50:26,899 --> 00:50:27,900
and then they'll hurt me," you know,

1043
00:50:27,984 --> 00:50:30,027
and it's just, like,
a terrible, terrible cycle.

1044
00:50:30,111 --> 00:50:33,156
But then, of course,
the person's goodness shines onto you

1045
00:50:33,239 --> 00:50:35,616
and shows you the inside of yourself
where you're like,

1046
00:50:35,700 --> 00:50:37,869
"Oh, I'm believing
some bad things about myself,

1047
00:50:37,952 --> 00:50:38,911
but I'm not bad.

1048
00:50:38,995 --> 00:50:41,831
I'm just holding some brutal beliefs
that I should get rid of."

1049
00:50:41,914 --> 00:50:44,375
For example, that, like,
my feelings are too much

1050
00:50:44,459 --> 00:50:45,793
and they happen too immediately.

1051
00:50:45,877 --> 00:50:47,253
And nobody wants to deal with them.

1052
00:50:47,336 --> 00:50:50,548
And nobody will ever be able to give me
the amount of love that I need

1053
00:50:50,631 --> 00:50:52,258
in order to actually feel loved.

1054
00:50:52,341 --> 00:50:53,634
Because most people receive love

1055
00:50:53,718 --> 00:50:55,511
and they hold it in their hearts
like a bowl.

1056
00:50:55,595 --> 00:50:57,346
But for me, I'm more like a colander,

1057
00:50:57,430 --> 00:50:59,682
or a strange felt hat,
that just leaks away.

1058
00:50:59,766 --> 00:51:02,351
And then you're like,
"No, no, stop it. Stop it. Stop it.

1059
00:51:02,435 --> 00:51:04,228
You're doing it. You're doing it.
You don't have to do this.

1060
00:51:04,312 --> 00:51:06,355
You can do something else.
Think of something else.

1061
00:51:06,439 --> 00:51:07,315
Think of something else.

1062
00:51:07,398 --> 00:51:09,734
You're like, I can't just, like,
grab their face and scream,

1063
00:51:09,817 --> 00:51:11,068
"Don't destroy me!

1064
00:51:11,152 --> 00:51:12,445
Don't destroy me!

1065
00:51:12,528 --> 00:51:13,654
Don't destroy me!"

1066
00:51:13,738 --> 00:51:16,991
So, instead, you find yourself
standing in Amsterdam...

1067
00:51:17,074 --> 00:51:19,535
[audience laughing and applauding]

1068
00:51:19,619 --> 00:51:23,039
-And...
-[audience cheering]

1069
00:51:27,001 --> 00:51:28,461
And you're not even on drugs.

1070
00:51:28,544 --> 00:51:29,962
[audience laughing]

1071
00:51:30,046 --> 00:51:32,256
And you're like, "Oh, my God.

1072
00:51:32,340 --> 00:51:35,510
I'm about to do
the most fucking psychedelic shit

1073
00:51:35,593 --> 00:51:37,637
I've ever done right now."

1074
00:51:37,720 --> 00:51:39,806
And so, anyway,

1075
00:51:39,889 --> 00:51:43,643
not to be like a jock
who turned this into a sports report...

1076
00:51:43,726 --> 00:51:45,645
[audience laughing softly]

1077
00:51:45,728 --> 00:51:48,314
...but guess who rode a fucking bike?

1078
00:51:48,397 --> 00:51:51,526
[audience cheering and applauding]

1079
00:51:58,491 --> 00:51:59,909
Ring-ring! I did it.

1080
00:52:01,452 --> 00:52:02,870
I did it.

1081
00:52:02,954 --> 00:52:03,830
Um...

1082
00:52:05,289 --> 00:52:08,584
I would not be able to be here tonight

1083
00:52:08,668 --> 00:52:11,295
telling this, like,
weird love story in reverse,

1084
00:52:11,379 --> 00:52:14,298
uh, wearing this little tuxedo
in this fancy theater,

1085
00:52:14,382 --> 00:52:17,009
um, if it were not for the fact

1086
00:52:17,093 --> 00:52:22,098
that I am dedicated
to going to see my therapist.

1087
00:52:22,181 --> 00:52:25,059
[audience cheering]

1088
00:52:25,142 --> 00:52:27,603
Yeah, I love my therapist.

1089
00:52:27,687 --> 00:52:32,525
And I know you're not allowed to say that,
but, um, I love her.

1090
00:52:32,608 --> 00:52:34,402
I love her. I love her.

1091
00:52:34,485 --> 00:52:35,611
Um, I love her.

1092
00:52:35,695 --> 00:52:38,114
And I actually find that, at this point,

1093
00:52:38,197 --> 00:52:40,408
to be the hardest part of therapy.

1094
00:52:41,242 --> 00:52:42,827
That, like, when the session is over,

1095
00:52:42,910 --> 00:52:45,454
you're not allowed to be like,
"Okay, bye-bye, I love you."

1096
00:52:45,538 --> 00:52:47,498
[audience laughing]

1097
00:52:47,582 --> 00:52:49,792
But something happened
between us that really,

1098
00:52:49,876 --> 00:52:51,168
I feel like, um,

1099
00:52:51,252 --> 00:52:54,171
made a difficult impression
on our relationship.

1100
00:52:54,255 --> 00:52:59,719
And that is that, recently,
she texted me by mistake.

1101
00:52:59,802 --> 00:53:02,138
[audience] Ooh!

1102
00:53:02,221 --> 00:53:03,264
I know.

1103
00:53:04,974 --> 00:53:07,518
By recently, I mean it happened
three years ago and...

1104
00:53:07,602 --> 00:53:09,228
[audience laughing]

1105
00:53:09,312 --> 00:53:11,188
I can't fucking stop thinking about it.

1106
00:53:11,272 --> 00:53:13,858
Um, just can't stop thinking about it.

1107
00:53:13,941 --> 00:53:18,237
And, um, it was, like, on the weekend
and I saw her name pop up.

1108
00:53:18,321 --> 00:53:20,281
And it's like, have you ever
gotten a text from someone

1109
00:53:20,364 --> 00:53:22,992
who's, like, kind of out of your league?

1110
00:53:23,075 --> 00:53:26,954
And you're just like, "Oh, like, I am not
gonna open this right now, 'cause, like,

1111
00:53:27,038 --> 00:53:29,707
whatever it is,
it's gonna fucking rock my world."

1112
00:53:29,790 --> 00:53:31,542
[audience laughing]

1113
00:53:31,626 --> 00:53:34,712
"Like, I'm gonna wait until I'm, like,
you know, in the bathroom."

1114
00:53:34,795 --> 00:53:35,922
Um...

1115
00:53:36,005 --> 00:53:38,424
And so, I didn't know,

1116
00:53:38,507 --> 00:53:39,717
I was, like, "The weekend?

1117
00:53:39,800 --> 00:53:41,135
Like, from Pamela?
Like, what could it be?"

1118
00:53:41,218 --> 00:53:43,930
And I just, I don't know, like, I thought,
like, I don't know, maybe it's, like,

1119
00:53:44,013 --> 00:53:46,891
"Hey, Jennie, I'm at a botanical garden
and I saw a flower

1120
00:53:46,974 --> 00:53:48,726
that seemed like it had,
like, a really good shape,

1121
00:53:48,809 --> 00:53:51,228
but also an interesting mental thing,
and I thought of you anyway, hon."

1122
00:53:51,312 --> 00:53:53,147
You know, like, I don't know,
something normal.

1123
00:53:53,230 --> 00:53:54,148
And...

1124
00:53:54,231 --> 00:53:55,816
[audience laughing]

1125
00:53:55,900 --> 00:53:57,735
Um, I opened it up

1126
00:53:57,818 --> 00:54:00,029
and it was, like,

1127
00:54:00,112 --> 00:54:04,951
so-and-so and I had a lovely time at,
name of a fancy restaurant,

1128
00:54:05,034 --> 00:54:07,453
for his Father's Day meal.

1129
00:54:07,536 --> 00:54:08,579
And I was like...

1130
00:54:09,956 --> 00:54:13,417
-[gasps]
-[audience laughing]

1131
00:54:13,501 --> 00:54:18,589
Uh, like... Like, honestly, like,
what the fuck, Pamela?

1132
00:54:18,673 --> 00:54:20,925
-Like...
-[audience laughing]

1133
00:54:21,008 --> 00:54:24,720
Like, I was, that was so hurtful.
Like, I-I...

1134
00:54:24,804 --> 00:54:26,931
[audience laughing]

1135
00:54:27,014 --> 00:54:28,891
I mean, where do I even start? Um...

1136
00:54:28,975 --> 00:54:30,351
[audience laughing softly]

1137
00:54:30,434 --> 00:54:33,270
Mm, Pamela goes to restaurants?

1138
00:54:33,354 --> 00:54:35,314
[audience laughing]

1139
00:54:35,398 --> 00:54:36,732
Okay.

1140
00:54:36,816 --> 00:54:38,401
[deep inhale]

1141
00:54:38,484 --> 00:54:40,987
She led me to believe...

1142
00:54:41,070 --> 00:54:42,863
[audience laughing softly]

1143
00:54:42,947 --> 00:54:47,451
...that she just stays in that one room
and waits for me to say stuff.

1144
00:54:47,535 --> 00:54:49,662
[audience laughing]

1145
00:54:49,745 --> 00:54:52,873
[sighs] And then, like, I guess,
the other thing that was sort of hard

1146
00:54:52,957 --> 00:54:55,668
was that I was like, so Pamela

1147
00:54:55,751 --> 00:54:58,129
went with her husband

1148
00:54:58,212 --> 00:55:01,048
to a restaurant for a Father's Day meal.

1149
00:55:01,132 --> 00:55:03,843
But I know that my father, Ron,

1150
00:55:03,926 --> 00:55:06,679
did not go to a restaurant
on Father's Day,

1151
00:55:06,762 --> 00:55:09,056
so, I guess, like,
the excruciating math on that is, like,

1152
00:55:09,140 --> 00:55:10,808
Pamela is not my mom.

1153
00:55:10,891 --> 00:55:14,061
[audience laughing]

1154
00:55:14,145 --> 00:55:15,229
And just, what a gut punch.

1155
00:55:15,312 --> 00:55:17,606
Like, I was like, okay,
you didn't have to say it to my face,

1156
00:55:17,690 --> 00:55:18,774
like you're not my mom.

1157
00:55:18,858 --> 00:55:20,067
Like, okay, I get it, like...

1158
00:55:20,151 --> 00:55:21,027
'Cause, I, I know.

1159
00:55:21,110 --> 00:55:22,945
Like, I have this "other mom" named Nancy,

1160
00:55:23,029 --> 00:55:24,321
who's, like, always been there.

1161
00:55:24,405 --> 00:55:26,574
-And...
-[audience laughing]

1162
00:55:26,657 --> 00:55:29,535
I, like, texted her back.

1163
00:55:29,618 --> 00:55:30,703
And I was like,

1164
00:55:31,579 --> 00:55:36,876
"I think that you meant
to send this to someone else."

1165
00:55:38,127 --> 00:55:40,838
And she wrote back...

1166
00:55:41,922 --> 00:55:42,923
"Indeed."

1167
00:55:43,007 --> 00:55:46,218
[audience laughing]

1168
00:55:50,306 --> 00:55:53,517
And, um, and so then, obviously,
I, like, never brought it up again.

1169
00:55:53,601 --> 00:55:57,396
And then, years later,
we were talking, um,

1170
00:55:57,480 --> 00:55:59,565
about parenthood and she was like,

1171
00:55:59,648 --> 00:56:01,984
"You know, um, when I had my daughter..."

1172
00:56:02,068 --> 00:56:03,652
And I was like... [grunts]

1173
00:56:03,736 --> 00:56:05,488
[audience laughing]

1174
00:56:05,571 --> 00:56:06,447
[gasps]

1175
00:56:08,074 --> 00:56:09,200
[gasps]

1176
00:56:10,493 --> 00:56:11,410
[loud gasp]

1177
00:56:11,494 --> 00:56:13,913
[audience laughing]

1178
00:56:17,416 --> 00:56:20,169
Have you ever seen
the exact center of your pain?

1179
00:56:20,252 --> 00:56:22,004
[audience laughing]

1180
00:56:24,048 --> 00:56:27,051
You know, like, a lot of us are, like,
concerned with the chaos around the pain,

1181
00:56:27,134 --> 00:56:29,220
but, like, really,
there's a center of the pain.

1182
00:56:29,303 --> 00:56:30,679
And if you can see it,

1183
00:56:30,763 --> 00:56:32,890
you can change yourself
and accept yourself.

1184
00:56:32,973 --> 00:56:36,227
And Pamela showed me
the center of my pain.

1185
00:56:36,310 --> 00:56:39,146
And I was like, "Oh, my God.
I see the center of my pain

1186
00:56:39,230 --> 00:56:40,898
and it's that Pamela is not my mother."

1187
00:56:40,981 --> 00:56:43,067
[audience laughing]

1188
00:56:43,984 --> 00:56:48,364
And the other thing that she taught me
to accept about myself,

1189
00:56:48,447 --> 00:56:51,951
um, is that I am, um,

1190
00:56:52,034 --> 00:56:55,746
somebody that can proudly say that I would

1191
00:56:55,830 --> 00:56:57,498
stalk Pamela and her daughter.

1192
00:56:57,581 --> 00:57:01,252
[audience laughing]

1193
00:57:01,335 --> 00:57:02,586
And I'm just like,

1194
00:57:02,670 --> 00:57:05,297
whatever, like, dangerously close to 40.

1195
00:57:05,381 --> 00:57:07,716
Um, meaning, I'm 41, so...

1196
00:57:07,800 --> 00:57:09,426
[audience laughing]

1197
00:57:09,510 --> 00:57:11,428
Forty itself is like, "Get away."

1198
00:57:12,388 --> 00:57:15,474
Um, and I'm just like, I don't,
I'm not here for nonsense anymore.

1199
00:57:15,558 --> 00:57:17,601
Like, I am what I am.
I'm gonna keep growing,

1200
00:57:17,685 --> 00:57:19,854
but I'm, like,
I'm not shunning myself anymore.

1201
00:57:19,937 --> 00:57:23,232
The parts of myself
that are, like, dangerous and dark,

1202
00:57:23,315 --> 00:57:27,027
I'm going to dwell in that shadow
and warm it up.

1203
00:57:27,111 --> 00:57:32,491
And what that means for me is that
in the drippy, velvety part of the night,

1204
00:57:32,575 --> 00:57:35,953
when all of the freaks
are jerking off to the real stuff

1205
00:57:36,036 --> 00:57:38,122
that they really jerk off to...

1206
00:57:38,205 --> 00:57:39,748
[audience laughing]

1207
00:57:39,832 --> 00:57:42,418
The people who are like,
"This is what I really need."

1208
00:57:42,501 --> 00:57:44,170
[audience laughing]

1209
00:57:44,253 --> 00:57:46,422
"This is what gets me to go."

1210
00:57:46,505 --> 00:57:48,174
[audience laughing]

1211
00:57:48,257 --> 00:57:50,634
When the demons are out,

1212
00:57:50,718 --> 00:57:52,845
I just sit up in my bed,

1213
00:57:52,928 --> 00:57:55,389
and I let myself have my food,

1214
00:57:55,472 --> 00:58:00,144
and what I need is that I think
about Pamela and her daughter.

1215
00:58:00,227 --> 00:58:01,520
[audience laughing softly]

1216
00:58:01,604 --> 00:58:02,855
And I'm like, "Do it.

1217
00:58:02,938 --> 00:58:03,814
[softly] Do it.

1218
00:58:03,898 --> 00:58:05,524
Think about it. Do it.

1219
00:58:05,608 --> 00:58:06,567
Give it to yourself.

1220
00:58:06,650 --> 00:58:07,526
Think about it.

1221
00:58:07,610 --> 00:58:08,485
Think about it.

1222
00:58:08,569 --> 00:58:09,445
Think about it."

1223
00:58:09,528 --> 00:58:11,363
And I think about Pamela and her daughter.

1224
00:58:11,447 --> 00:58:13,115
And they're getting into a car,

1225
00:58:13,199 --> 00:58:16,327
and they're putting on their seatbelts
'cause they love themselves so much.

1226
00:58:16,410 --> 00:58:19,538
And they don't want anyone to get hurt
'cause we're best, best friends.

1227
00:58:19,622 --> 00:58:23,000
[audience laughing]

1228
00:58:23,083 --> 00:58:25,628
And they drive the car
because they're going out to lunch

1229
00:58:25,711 --> 00:58:26,795
in the middle of the day.

1230
00:58:26,879 --> 00:58:29,173
Because they love
to have fun with each other!

1231
00:58:29,256 --> 00:58:30,799
[audience laughing]

1232
00:58:30,883 --> 00:58:33,385
And they're like,
"Let's pick a restaurant by the sea.

1233
00:58:33,469 --> 00:58:36,805
Because we're not allergic to oysters,
like some idiots are."

1234
00:58:36,889 --> 00:58:39,058
[audience laughing]

1235
00:58:40,851 --> 00:58:43,729
And they're like, they're like,
"I can't wait to talk to you over lunch

1236
00:58:43,812 --> 00:58:45,481
about a variety of subjects.

1237
00:58:45,564 --> 00:58:47,024
Not just one conversation

1238
00:58:47,107 --> 00:58:50,819
where we talk about who has cancer,
except I never get to talk."

1239
00:58:50,903 --> 00:58:53,072
[audience laughing]

1240
00:58:58,869 --> 00:59:01,330
And then they go to their restaurant

1241
00:59:01,413 --> 00:59:03,499
and I have followed them in an Uber.

1242
00:59:03,582 --> 00:59:05,751
[audience laughing]

1243
00:59:08,295 --> 00:59:11,715
And I get to the restaurant.
I go right into the bathroom.

1244
00:59:11,799 --> 00:59:13,217
And they sit down at their table,

1245
00:59:13,300 --> 00:59:15,427
but after a while
Pamela's daughter goes into the bathroom.

1246
00:59:15,511 --> 00:59:18,097
And she uses the bathroom
and she comes out to the sink.

1247
00:59:18,180 --> 00:59:19,431
And I'm already there.

1248
00:59:19,515 --> 00:59:20,766
[audience laughing]

1249
00:59:20,849 --> 00:59:23,644
And I'm using the soap
and I'm frickin' sudsing up.

1250
00:59:23,727 --> 00:59:25,938
I've been sudsing for, like, 15 minutes.

1251
00:59:26,021 --> 00:59:29,858
I have so much fucking soap on my hands,
it's like cotton candy. I'm just like...

1252
00:59:30,693 --> 00:59:32,820
I'm the clean girl.
I'm the cleanest girl you have.

1253
00:59:32,903 --> 00:59:34,989
I'm a nice, clean girl.
I'm the cleanest girl that there is.

1254
00:59:35,072 --> 00:59:38,033
I'm a clean, clean girl. I'm a good girl.
Clean girl. Clean, clean. I'm clean.

1255
00:59:38,117 --> 00:59:39,451
I'm so clean, I'm the cleanest girl.

1256
00:59:39,535 --> 00:59:41,829
Nobody else is as clean as me.
Clean, clean, clean.

1257
00:59:41,912 --> 00:59:43,789
[audience laughing]

1258
00:59:43,872 --> 00:59:46,917
She's, like, washing her hands,
being like... [giggles]

1259
00:59:47,001 --> 00:59:48,168
"That's a lot of soap."

1260
00:59:48,252 --> 00:59:50,796
[audience laughing]

1261
00:59:50,879 --> 00:59:51,797
I'm like...

1262
00:59:53,007 --> 00:59:55,592
[audience laughing]

1263
00:59:55,676 --> 00:59:56,552
"What?"

1264
00:59:56,635 --> 00:59:58,012
[audience laughing]

1265
00:59:58,095 --> 00:59:59,555
She's like, "Oh, nothing.

1266
00:59:59,638 --> 01:00:02,349
It's just, like, that's, that's a lot,
sorry, that's a lot of soap."

1267
01:00:02,433 --> 01:00:04,226
I'm like, "Are you sorry?"

1268
01:00:04,310 --> 01:00:06,854
[audience laughing]

1269
01:00:06,937 --> 01:00:09,189
She's like, "Oh, okay."

1270
01:00:09,273 --> 01:00:11,233
And I'm like, "Yeah, it is okay."

1271
01:00:11,317 --> 01:00:12,901
[audience laughing]

1272
01:00:14,320 --> 01:00:16,280
[audience laughing louder]

1273
01:00:19,033 --> 01:00:20,659
"Are you here with your mother?"

1274
01:00:20,743 --> 01:00:22,411
[audience laughing]

1275
01:00:22,494 --> 01:00:23,620
She's like, "What?"

1276
01:00:24,747 --> 01:00:29,626
I'm like, "Are you here with your mother?"

1277
01:00:30,586 --> 01:00:33,255
She's like, "Uh, uh, yeah."

1278
01:00:33,339 --> 01:00:35,424
I'm like, "What's so fucking funny, hon?"

1279
01:00:35,507 --> 01:00:37,092
[crazy laugh]

1280
01:00:37,176 --> 01:00:38,886
"What's the hullabaloo?"

1281
01:00:38,969 --> 01:00:42,681
[audience laughing]

1282
01:00:45,184 --> 01:00:49,730
She's like, "Yeah, I'm here
with my mother. It's fine."

1283
01:00:50,731 --> 01:00:53,317
And then I, like, get so close to her.

1284
01:00:54,985 --> 01:00:58,405
I smush my cheek into her face.

1285
01:00:59,406 --> 01:01:01,742
I stare at her in the mirror.

1286
01:01:01,825 --> 01:01:04,661
And she can't move from her spot.

1287
01:01:04,745 --> 01:01:09,458
Because she doesn't have
as strong of a character as I have.

1288
01:01:09,541 --> 01:01:12,211
[audience laughing]

1289
01:01:13,295 --> 01:01:15,798
And I'm like... [panting]

1290
01:01:15,881 --> 01:01:17,758
"I hope you know...

1291
01:01:19,134 --> 01:01:21,345
[shaky inhale] ...what you fucking have."

1292
01:01:21,428 --> 01:01:24,556
[audience laughing]

1293
01:01:24,640 --> 01:01:27,142
[inhales] And she's like... [panting]

1294
01:01:27,226 --> 01:01:28,977
-"What?"
-[audience laughing]

1295
01:01:29,061 --> 01:01:33,857
And I'm like, "I hope you know

1296
01:01:33,941 --> 01:01:36,610
what you fucking

1297
01:01:36,693 --> 01:01:38,278
have!"

1298
01:01:38,362 --> 01:01:40,239
And she's like... [shouts]

1299
01:01:40,322 --> 01:01:46,120
And I'm like, "This is what it's like
to love Pamela!"

1300
01:01:46,203 --> 01:01:49,581
[audience laughing and applauding]

1301
01:01:49,665 --> 01:01:52,876
[audience cheering and applauding]

1302
01:02:02,511 --> 01:02:04,721
Thank you so much.

1303
01:02:06,765 --> 01:02:07,724
Be well.

1304
01:02:09,351 --> 01:02:12,020
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

1305
01:02:12,104 --> 01:02:13,230
Good night!

1306
01:02:13,313 --> 01:02:15,023
Take care of yourselves.

1307
01:02:15,107 --> 01:02:16,483
I love you!

1308
01:02:16,567 --> 01:02:20,320
[audience cheering and applauding]

1309
01:02:25,117 --> 01:02:27,453
["2 Cents" by Rainey Qualley playing]