WEBVTT FILE

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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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People say-- You will have heard this,

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people say, "You can't joke
about anything these days."

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Watch me now.

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We're gonna kick off our evening
with some short, edgy jokes,

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get the measure of each other,
see if we're gonna be friends.

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Eyes down, everyone.
Let's fucking do this.

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I bought my girlfriend a bath bomb.

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I say that... toaster.

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She was shocked.

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When my girlfriend found out
I'd been drunk driving,

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she hit the roof.

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I was in Hong Kong.

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Their Chinatown is fucking massive.

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I've got a half brother.

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Sorry. Transgender.

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It's a cliché, I suppose,
but I-- I-- I, um--

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I used to tell jokes at school

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to stop kids from bullying me.

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They used to shout mean things like,

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"Get out of our playground,
you pedophile!"

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I've got feelings.

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My art teacher at school was a pedophile.

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Yeah, so it really was
back to the drawing board.

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I write a lot of my jokes on my iPhone,

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but the autocorrect is always
fucking up the lunch line.

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- Ah--

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Sure.

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Everyone in here's
got a mobile phone, right?

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And they're incredible.
They've done so much for us.

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But it has come at a price.

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They've robbed us
of our ability to concentrate,

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those mobile phones, yeah?
A good example. Last week,

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I had to do a simple piece
of mental arithmetic.

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'Course, I couldn't do it in my head,
needed the app on the phone.

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Before I'd even opened the calculator app,
I checked my email,

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updated my Instagram, and hit a cyclist.

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Are you aware of the mobile phone
secretly listening to your conversation?

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Yes.
- It's creepy, right?

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You'll be chatting to a friend
about the good old days,

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and then for the next two weeks,
you're bombarded with adverts

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for anal beads and butt plugs.

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My, uh-- My girlfriend likes
to be tied up.

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But, it turns out,
really scared of railway tracks.

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When I masturbate, thanks for asking...

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When I masturbate,
I always put my pinky up

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so it looks like a fancy lady is, uh...

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...fingering my asshole.

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There's a sub-genre of porn
called POV porn,

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which is shot from the man's perspective,

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so you see what the man sees

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when he's having sex with the lovely lady
in the pornographic film.

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I'm gonna make POV porn,
little money-making scheme,

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and make POV porn,
but from the woman's perspective.

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Huh? It's gonna be super easy
to shoot as well.

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It's just a close-up of a headboard,
a pillow, a ceiling, and some dude's feet.

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Well, 'cause people say men have got--
are more sort of visual than women.

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Well, I don't think so.
I think we just have a better view, right?

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Think about it.
There's a bit of reverse cowgirl going on.

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We're thinking, "Her ass looks amazing."

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She's thinking,
"He needs to clip his toenails."

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It's not as erotically charged, is it?

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Do any couples in here
watch porn together?

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- Who watches porn as a couple?
Yeah.

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One bloke on his own.

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Are you...

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You're watching enough for two, are you?

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We tried--
We tried watching porn as a couple,

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but it didn't work for us at all.
Very different tastes.

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She likes stuff with proper narrative
and characterization.

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I like stuff with animals.

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I was watching <i>Gaping Anuses 3...</i>

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<i>Planet of the Gapes.</i>

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And sure, I enjoyed it,

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but there were some pretty big holes
in the plot.

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This next joke
is sort of a canary in the mine.

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It's there to test the air.

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Your reaction to this joke tells me
an awful lot about you as an audience.

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Doesn't change anything.

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I'm gonna tell you the same jokes
this evening regardless of your reaction.

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It just tells me how much
you're gonna enjoy our time together.

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- Good luck.

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I was in a grocery store
a couple of weeks ago.

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They had a special on.

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He was collecting the carts.

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I think we're going
to be friends, aren't we?

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And no, no disrespect.

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One of my best friends
is a special needs teacher.

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Well, I say he's a special needs teacher.

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It's a totally normal school,
but it's in Norfolk, so, you know.

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- Is anyone in from Norfolk?
Yeah.

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Yeah.
- You're from Norfolk? Oh!

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- Yeah, that checks out.

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If you're not familiar, uh, Norfolk's--

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So, what are you working with
there, my friend?

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Just the one set of grandparents?

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Family tree like a fucking broom handle.

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You didn't meet the missus on Tinder,
did you?

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What was it, ancestry.com?

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That's giving you
the benefit of the doubt.

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It may well be "siblings with benefits."

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Too close to home?

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He'll be livid when he gets those jokes.

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My girlfriend snores quite a lot.
Has anyone else got that problem?

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Yes.

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Yeah, my girlfriend snores quite a lot,
but luckily,

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I've got these noise-cancelling fists.

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Is anyone here
in a controlling relationship?

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Raise your partner's hand.

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I'm no good with ages,
especially with young women.

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They could be mid-20s.
They could be 15. You just don't know.

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Well, there's a story.

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So I was in Covent Garden,
very touristy bit of London.

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I'm sat on the Piazza there,
having a cup of tea, minding my business.

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This beautiful, willowy-looking girl
walks in, sits opposite me,

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and just keeps on looking over.

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Tons of eye contact,
very flirty, and very obvious about it.

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Now, that sort of thing
does not happen to me very often,

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so I was incredibly flattered,

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but I couldn't tell how old she was,

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and I thought,
"Well, I'm not taking a chance."

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So I asked.

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I just straight-up asked. I said,
"Excuse me, do you mind me asking,

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how old are you?"

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She said, "I'm 23."

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I said, "I'm sorry for wasting your time."

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Ah, it's just a joke,
as far as any of you can prove.

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Last year, I lost my father to dementia.

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I guess we could've stuck around
to look for him for longer, but fuck it.

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The great thing about that,
anyone offended won't remember.

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I've written a two-word joke,
and I'm quite pleased with this

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'cause I've written a joke
for an unsung group within our society,

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a group that I don't think
gets the respect that they deserve.

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- Stepdads. We got any stepdads in?

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Oh, you're a stepdad here?
What's your name, my friend?

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- Daniel.
- Daniel. I've written you a joke, Daniel.

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Won't take long. It's only two words.

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Stepdads... motherfuckers.

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Easy.

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And Daniel...

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no one is telling you how to parent.
I'm sure you do a terrific job as-is.

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All I would say is,
the next time you see the kids,

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could be as soon as tomorrow morning,

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you, you know, point out
the obvious to them.

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You say, "Look, kids, 'stepdad'
is an inherently disrespectful term."

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"From here on in, 'motherfucker.'"

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"Now, finish your Cocoa Puffs."

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"I'm just gonna nip upstairs
and fuck your mum."

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Is this the MILF in question?

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Very nice. Came with a bit of baggage,
you couldn't give a fuck. Good on you.

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How many socks have you got, Daniel?

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Are you not familiar with the term? Socks.

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Some Other Cunt's Kids.

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Climate change. Let's talk about it.

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Climate change is like my niece.

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It's getting hotter every year.

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It's not as bad as you think.
She'll be six next month.

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I don't even like the term "niece."
I prefer to say, "NILF."

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My girlfriend is vegan. Sorry,
don't know why I'm telling you that.

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I assume she's already told you.

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Are there any vegans here?
Got vegans in the house?

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Hey!
- One over there.

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- What's your name, my vegan friend?
- Erica.

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Erica? Very nice to have you here, Erica.

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I'm not-- I'm not gonna make jokes
about vegan food.

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I think it would be tasteless.

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But I've got a question for you, Erica,
'cause my partner is vegan.

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She had a question about veganism.
Maybe you could help.

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Uh, she wants to know
is semen okay for vegans?

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Because if it isn't,
she's gotta stop having tennis lessons.

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- What do you think, Erica?
- I love semen!

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- Well...

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Fair enough.
Probably the only protein you're getting.

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It's a great answer, Erica.
It's a great answer.

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Not the best answer I've ever had.

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Best answer I ever had, Erica,
I was doing a gig in London,

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and this lady in the front row was vegan.

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I said, "Is semen okay for vegans?"
And she went, "Human semen?"

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What the fuck?

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How would you even get to that?

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I know vegans are meant to love animals,
but sounds like she really loves animals.

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Knife crime. Huge problem in the UK.

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What can be done?
Well, simple solution. Guns.

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Right, there's no knife crime
in America, is there?

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Have we got any Americans in?
Any Americans?

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- A few over there.

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- What's your name, sir?
Ken.

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Ken? Of course it is.

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Totally smooth, is it?

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Good on you, Ken.

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The Americans and the British, we're--
we're divided by a common language.

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Right? So-- So we would say, "Trousers"
in Great Britain.

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Americans would say, "Pants."

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We say, "Pavement."
The Americans would say, "Sidewalk."

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We'd say, "Unarmed, don't shoot!"

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They would say, "Oops."

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I can see there's two sides

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to the gun debate in America.
Course there are.

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There's two sides to the gun debate.
Some Americans have legitimate reasons

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for wanting to own AR-15 assault rifles.

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Like, what if you want to murder
a lot of children in a hurry?

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So in America, the Supreme Court
is stopping women from aborting fetuses.

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They don't feel, they haven't got hearts,
they're brainless,

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yet somehow,
the Supreme Court are in charge.

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When my girlfriend got pregnant,
sure, I thought about all the options.

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"Should I, you know,
take care of the problem?"

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But then I thought,
"Could I really take a human life?"

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Well, two, if you count the fetus.

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Abortion. Let's talk about it, everyone.

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00:13:22.240 --> 00:13:25.240
Well, I think we'd spend a lot more time
talking about, thinking about,

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debating abortion
if we all knew how close we had come.

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Well, let's do a social experiment
in the theater this evening.

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Give me one of those little
ripply applause if and only if

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your parents were under the age of 20
when they had you.

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- Where are you?

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00:13:45.600 --> 00:13:47.080
Okay, so anyone applauding,

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00:13:47.080 --> 00:13:50.000
you need to know there was a conversation.

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00:13:52.760 --> 00:13:56.240
And that conversation didn't go Dad's way.

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All right.

222
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Give me one of those
if you're the youngest of four.

223
00:14:07.960 --> 00:14:10.400
Well, you need to know
there was a conversation.

224
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And that conversation didn't go Dad's way.

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All right, give me one of those
if you have a ginger-haired mum.

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Far fewer of those.

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And that's 'cause sometimes,
dads really put their fucking foot down.

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Are there any anti-vaxxers in?
Is anyone here anti-vax?

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00:14:51.160 --> 00:14:54.080
One person over there. Fair enough.
A lot of you didn't make it.

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- What's your name, my friend?
Rico.

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- Rico.
- Yeah.

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Sure.

233
00:15:01.760 --> 00:15:04.560
- Let's go with that, Rico.

234
00:15:04.560 --> 00:15:07.160
Here's what I think we should do.
You're entitled to your opinion.

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00:15:07.160 --> 00:15:10.360
Course you are! What I think we should do,
we should have an opt-in, opt-out

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on the whole of Western medicine.

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Opt-in, opt-out.
So you're either with us, or you're not.

238
00:15:15.720 --> 00:15:19.480
So no COVID vaccine? No problem, Rico.
Good luck with the polio.

239
00:15:21.760 --> 00:15:24.880
Let's see how far you get
on your little Kermit legs.

240
00:15:32.160 --> 00:15:33.120
Right.

241
00:15:35.480 --> 00:15:37.160
I feel pretty confident making that joke,

242
00:15:37.160 --> 00:15:39.920
because no cunt
is getting polio these days.

243
00:15:41.240 --> 00:15:42.920
Do you know why, Rico?

244
00:15:50.720 --> 00:15:52.600
Oh.

245
00:15:52.600 --> 00:15:54.880
The anti-vax people online
won't like that.

246
00:15:55.920 --> 00:15:59.080
Course they're not gonna take the vaccine.
They can't even take a fucking joke.

247
00:16:06.840 --> 00:16:09.080
This next joke might get me canceled.

248
00:16:10.160 --> 00:16:11.200
Come on.

249
00:16:12.400 --> 00:16:14.920
Transgender people
aren't what they used to be.

250
00:16:21.680 --> 00:16:25.120
And really, there's two issues.
There's trans, and there's non-binary.

251
00:16:25.120 --> 00:16:28.880
And they often get conflated in our media,
but they're very separate issues.

252
00:16:28.880 --> 00:16:32.160
Trans and non-binary. So non-binary,
that's the one with the pronouns.

253
00:16:32.160 --> 00:16:34.680
So there's now more pronouns
than there ever used to be.

254
00:16:34.680 --> 00:16:36.040
There's now ten pronouns.

255
00:16:36.040 --> 00:16:38.280
I'll quickly go through it
so we're all on the same page.

256
00:16:38.280 --> 00:16:42.360
The ten pronouns are he, she, they, them,

257
00:16:42.360 --> 00:16:44.520
it, oh, gross, what, is, that?

258
00:16:54.280 --> 00:16:57.680
And I'm very onboard. I will call you
what you want to be called.

259
00:16:57.680 --> 00:17:00.960
I will treat you with respect always.

260
00:17:00.960 --> 00:17:01.880
But...

261
00:17:03.120 --> 00:17:05.000
...I'm also gonna make jokes about it.

262
00:17:06.120 --> 00:17:08.440
My pronouns are "he he he"...

263
00:17:12.000 --> 00:17:14.200
...because I identify
as a comedian.

264
00:17:24.320 --> 00:17:26.360
Here's a question
just for the ladies in the room.

265
00:17:26.360 --> 00:17:29.080
Who teaches you the towel thing?

266
00:17:30.400 --> 00:17:32.080
Oh, you know what I'm talking about.

267
00:17:32.080 --> 00:17:35.520
Every woman in this room
has an ability no man on Earth possesses.

268
00:17:35.520 --> 00:17:39.920
Every woman in here has the ability
to make a perfect turban from a towel.

269
00:17:42.240 --> 00:17:43.680
Any towel, any bathroom.

270
00:17:43.680 --> 00:17:47.280
I've traveled the world,
and it's the same toweling origami design

271
00:17:47.280 --> 00:17:48.960
wherever you roam.

272
00:17:48.960 --> 00:17:52.040
It's quite the feat of engineering.
It's up in seconds.

273
00:17:53.400 --> 00:17:55.040
It's there for the day if you want it.

274
00:17:56.160 --> 00:17:59.040
Now, no man has ever
even attempted such a thing.

275
00:17:59.800 --> 00:18:02.480
Well, that simple observation
on gender difference,

276
00:18:02.480 --> 00:18:06.320
that, my friends, is how we're going
to sort the whole trans debate.

277
00:18:06.320 --> 00:18:07.360
You're welcome.

278
00:18:09.360 --> 00:18:12.880
So if you have gender dysphoria,
we're gonna pop you in a shower.

279
00:18:14.720 --> 00:18:17.000
When you come out,
we're gonna throw you a towel.

280
00:18:17.880 --> 00:18:19.240
We're gonna see how you do.

281
00:18:20.480 --> 00:18:22.280
If you make a perfect turban,

282
00:18:23.160 --> 00:18:25.120
the ladies' changing room is this way.

283
00:18:28.240 --> 00:18:30.000
If you floss yourself...

284
00:18:35.320 --> 00:18:37.320
...we have a few more questions.

285
00:18:39.040 --> 00:18:43.000
Obviously, I'm not being transphobic,
because trans women are women.

286
00:18:43.000 --> 00:18:45.320
So, if anything, old-fashioned misogyny.

287
00:18:52.640 --> 00:18:53.800
I'm gonna tell you a fact now.

288
00:18:53.800 --> 00:18:56.600
It is mind-blowingly stupid,
but it's true.

289
00:18:56.600 --> 00:18:59.480
Most of my gay friends knew this.
None of my straight friends knew.

290
00:18:59.480 --> 00:19:02.960
Okay, until 1979, globally,

291
00:19:02.960 --> 00:19:07.080
homosexuality was classified
as a mental illness.

292
00:19:07.720 --> 00:19:10.680
An illness!
Does that mean you could phone in sick?

293
00:19:13.720 --> 00:19:17.560
"Sorry, boss. No, I can't come in today.
No, no, nothing like that. No."

294
00:19:17.560 --> 00:19:19.920
"No, I can't stop thinking
about dicks and balls and bums."

295
00:19:24.560 --> 00:19:27.200
"Nah, it's probably just a 24-hour thing.
Yeah, I'll-- No."

296
00:19:28.880 --> 00:19:30.240
"No, I'll walk it off."

297
00:19:32.440 --> 00:19:34.160
"Yep, yep, in the park. Yeah."

298
00:19:38.320 --> 00:19:40.600
They say one man in ten is gay,

299
00:19:40.600 --> 00:19:43.400
but surely one man in just one man
is pretty gay.

300
00:19:46.840 --> 00:19:48.920
One man in ten is showboating.

301
00:19:51.840 --> 00:19:55.800
I don't like having sex outdoors,
but that is where women walk at night.

302
00:20:01.280 --> 00:20:03.800
I used to share a house with a woman

303
00:20:03.800 --> 00:20:07.880
who swore a ghost
was having sex with her in her dreams.

304
00:20:08.400 --> 00:20:10.840
I thought, "Jesus Christ!"

305
00:20:10.840 --> 00:20:13.520
"From now on,
I gotta mash two pills into her food."

306
00:20:19.320 --> 00:20:21.880
Only 15% of rapes are ever reported,

307
00:20:21.880 --> 00:20:24.720
and only 2% of those
ever lead to a conviction.

308
00:20:24.720 --> 00:20:28.000
Now, I'm not advocating rape,
but I like those odds.

309
00:20:30.280 --> 00:20:33.680
All I'm saying is if rape was a horse,
you'd have a bet on it.

310
00:20:36.840 --> 00:20:38.760
Do you want to hear my rape fantasy?

311
00:20:39.600 --> 00:20:40.440
Yeah!

312
00:20:40.440 --> 00:20:42.480
Someone goes to jail for rape.

313
00:20:48.400 --> 00:20:50.920
It's-- I mean,
those are very clearly jokes about rape,

314
00:20:50.920 --> 00:20:54.880
but we don't take rape serious enough
as a society, as a culture.

315
00:20:54.880 --> 00:20:56.720
And I can prove it. It's in our language.

316
00:20:56.720 --> 00:20:59.440
We've still got the phrase "date rape."

317
00:20:59.440 --> 00:21:01.600
We shouldn't be
calling anything "date rape."

318
00:21:01.600 --> 00:21:04.040
And we should be calling
date rape, "rape."

319
00:21:04.040 --> 00:21:05.880
That's what fucking happened.

320
00:21:13.240 --> 00:21:16.880
I tell you, we wouldn't stand for it
if the vast majority of rapes

321
00:21:16.880 --> 00:21:18.800
happened to men, right?

322
00:21:18.800 --> 00:21:22.200
No other crime comes with a qualifier.
You've never had this conversation...

323
00:21:22.200 --> 00:21:25.040
"Did you hear about Steve?"
"What happened to Steve?"

324
00:21:25.040 --> 00:21:26.720
"He got circus murdered."

325
00:21:28.720 --> 00:21:30.040
"Sorry, Steve got murdered?"

326
00:21:30.040 --> 00:21:32.520
"Well, no.
He had a lovely day at the circus,

327
00:21:32.520 --> 00:21:35.920
and then he was murdered.
So, you know... circus murdered."

328
00:21:37.960 --> 00:21:39.560
You can hear it now.

329
00:21:40.480 --> 00:21:42.400
"Date rape," my ass.

330
00:21:46.160 --> 00:21:47.280
Obviously, don't.

331
00:21:50.720 --> 00:21:52.920
Well, so far, we've covered rape,
pornography,

332
00:21:52.920 --> 00:21:56.440
child abuse, domestic violence, abortion,
murder, gun control, and trans issues.

333
00:21:56.440 --> 00:21:58.320
We're right on schedule, everyone.

334
00:21:58.320 --> 00:22:00.560
- Yay.

335
00:22:04.320 --> 00:22:07.680
Obviously, telling jokes with that kind
of subject matter, I'm gonna get canceled.

336
00:22:07.680 --> 00:22:08.920
That's the bad news.

337
00:22:08.920 --> 00:22:11.080
The good news is I'm going down swinging.

338
00:22:13.640 --> 00:22:15.960
You hear some horror stories
about cancel culture.

339
00:22:15.960 --> 00:22:18.160
I heard a story
about a woman in London last year.

340
00:22:18.160 --> 00:22:21.600
She got canceled. Lost her job,
lost friends, lost status.

341
00:22:21.600 --> 00:22:23.640
Right? Canceled. And she was a good woman.

342
00:22:23.640 --> 00:22:26.200
She worked for a charity
that helps the learning disabled,

343
00:22:26.200 --> 00:22:28.920
and she got canceled over a typo.

344
00:22:28.920 --> 00:22:30.960
Can you believe that? A typo.

345
00:22:30.960 --> 00:22:34.120
You know how the G and the T are
right next to each other on the keyboard?

346
00:22:34.120 --> 00:22:35.360
Easy enough mistake to make.

347
00:22:35.360 --> 00:22:37.400
The G and the T
are right there next to each other.

348
00:22:37.400 --> 00:22:38.920
Well, what she wanted to write

349
00:22:38.920 --> 00:22:42.160
at the end of the letter
to the charity supporters was,

350
00:22:42.160 --> 00:22:43.920
"Kind regards."

351
00:22:55.520 --> 00:22:57.160
Now if you've not got that yet...

352
00:22:58.400 --> 00:23:01.760
...the charity she was working for
was helping people like you.

353
00:23:09.800 --> 00:23:12.000
This woke nonsense,
it's gone too far, hasn't it?

354
00:23:12.000 --> 00:23:15.680
When's it gonna stop?
We've even got a male queen now.

355
00:23:20.640 --> 00:23:23.520
The last time I got canceled,
I upset the gypsies.

356
00:23:23.520 --> 00:23:25.200
Thankfully, they've moved on.

357
00:23:28.880 --> 00:23:31.240
You can't go around apologizing for jokes.

358
00:23:31.240 --> 00:23:32.520
They're jokes.

359
00:23:32.520 --> 00:23:33.640
So I've got a plan.

360
00:23:33.640 --> 00:23:37.200
The next time I get canceled over a joke,
the next time I upset people with a joke,

361
00:23:37.200 --> 00:23:40.000
I'm going to come out
on the day of the cancellation,

362
00:23:40.000 --> 00:23:42.000
I'm going to make a statement,
a public statement.

363
00:23:42.000 --> 00:23:44.080
I'm going to say,
I've rehearsed this, I'm gonna say...

364
00:23:45.040 --> 00:23:46.800
"I'm sorry."

365
00:23:48.600 --> 00:23:50.440
And the people
that I've offended will say,

366
00:23:50.440 --> 00:23:52.600
"You don't really mean that apology."

367
00:23:52.600 --> 00:23:56.080
And I'll say, "So you're saying
I could say something and not mean it."

368
00:23:56.080 --> 00:23:57.440
"Now you're getting it."

369
00:24:07.040 --> 00:24:09.560
Of course, sometimes in life,
and you'll all know this,

370
00:24:09.560 --> 00:24:12.680
sometimes in life, you find yourself
having to make an apology,

371
00:24:12.680 --> 00:24:15.960
but what you really want to say
is, "Fuck you."

372
00:24:17.760 --> 00:24:19.600
And there's a phrase for that.

373
00:24:20.240 --> 00:24:21.840
"I'm sorry you feel that way."

374
00:24:24.720 --> 00:24:25.800
It's an amazing expression.

375
00:24:25.800 --> 00:24:29.520
"I'm sorry you feel that way"
has got all the "fuck you" attitude.

376
00:24:29.520 --> 00:24:32.560
You know what you mean.
They know what you mean.

377
00:24:33.520 --> 00:24:35.040
They can't touch you for it.

378
00:24:35.760 --> 00:24:37.560
"I'm sorry you feel that way."

379
00:24:41.160 --> 00:24:44.360
The English language is good like that.
It's very nuanced, the English language.

380
00:24:44.360 --> 00:24:45.880
Like "good luck" is a great example.

381
00:24:45.880 --> 00:24:48.480
"Good luck" is a nice thing
to say to anyone, isn't it? Good luck.

382
00:24:48.480 --> 00:24:51.320
But add the words "with that."

383
00:24:53.840 --> 00:24:56.040
Suddenly, a very different meaning.

384
00:24:56.880 --> 00:24:59.680
"Good luck with that." Ah,
you might as well have shat in their oven.

385
00:25:02.640 --> 00:25:04.960
And jokes-- To me, jokes are like magnets.

386
00:25:04.960 --> 00:25:07.840
They attract some people, great to see you
out this evening for a laugh,

387
00:25:07.840 --> 00:25:10.400
but like magnets,
they attract and they repel.

388
00:25:10.400 --> 00:25:12.720
Some people are repelled by my jokes,

389
00:25:12.720 --> 00:25:16.280
and they're sat at home now,
online, trying to get me canceled.

390
00:25:16.280 --> 00:25:19.440
And to those people I say,
"I'm sorry you feel that way."

391
00:25:20.440 --> 00:25:21.760
"Good luck with that."

392
00:25:29.440 --> 00:25:32.400
Okay, well, I feel warmed up.
Shall we try some controversial jokes?

393
00:25:32.400 --> 00:25:34.200
Yeah!

394
00:25:34.200 --> 00:25:36.320
- I'm serious.

395
00:25:36.320 --> 00:25:37.800
Let's take it up a notch.

396
00:25:37.800 --> 00:25:39.840
I'll tell you
who I think's gonna get canceled.

397
00:25:39.840 --> 00:25:42.000
'Cause they fucked a kid
and then they talked about it.

398
00:25:42.000 --> 00:25:44.520
Hundred percent,
God is gonna get canceled.

399
00:25:46.400 --> 00:25:48.000
Strap in. This is happening.

400
00:25:50.000 --> 00:25:53.200
Well, Mary was 14
when the Holy Ghost "came upon her."

401
00:25:55.200 --> 00:25:58.200
They say "came upon her,"
but some of it went in. Come on.

402
00:26:02.680 --> 00:26:03.600
"The Holy Ghost."

403
00:26:03.600 --> 00:26:06.760
I think the "holy" in question
was Mary's vajayjay, wasn't it?

404
00:26:08.600 --> 00:26:10.280
So the Holy Spirit fucked Mary,

405
00:26:10.280 --> 00:26:12.560
Mary never heard
from the Holy Spirit again.

406
00:26:13.400 --> 00:26:15.040
Talk about getting ghosted.

407
00:26:20.640 --> 00:26:24.600
Do you think when Mary,
mother of God, was fucking Joseph...

408
00:26:24.600 --> 00:26:26.680
Your favorite, Daniel.
The original motherfucker.

409
00:26:31.480 --> 00:26:33.840
You never think of Jesus as a sock,
but he was.

410
00:26:39.200 --> 00:26:41.120
Do you think when Mary...

411
00:26:41.120 --> 00:26:43.200
...was fucking Joseph
and Joseph made Mary come,

412
00:26:43.200 --> 00:26:44.960
Mary shouted, "God!"

413
00:26:46.280 --> 00:26:48.200
Awkward. That's her ex.

414
00:26:50.640 --> 00:26:52.880
Well, what was the alternative,
"Jesus Christ"?

415
00:26:54.240 --> 00:26:56.800
He's in the next room
thinking, "Shut up, Mum!"

416
00:27:00.080 --> 00:27:03.200
Someone came up to me after a show,
like, very earnestly, and went,

417
00:27:03.720 --> 00:27:05.840
"Jesus died for your sins."

418
00:27:07.360 --> 00:27:11.000
I thought, "Oh, great, so now I've killed
the son of God <i>and</i> two prostitutes."

419
00:27:16.080 --> 00:27:19.000
All right, let's class this up, shall we?
Let's class up this gig.

420
00:27:20.240 --> 00:27:24.000
When Michelangelo
was commissioned by the Vatican

421
00:27:24.000 --> 00:27:26.160
to paint <i>The Creation of Adam,</i>

422
00:27:26.160 --> 00:27:27.920
he really knew his audience,

423
00:27:27.920 --> 00:27:31.200
and that's why he gave Adam
a child's penis.

424
00:27:42.120 --> 00:27:43.920
You all know the story
of Adam and Eve, right?

425
00:27:44.640 --> 00:27:48.800
So God took one of Adam's ribs
in order to make Eve,

426
00:27:48.800 --> 00:27:50.760
but God had taken one of Adam's ribs,

427
00:27:50.760 --> 00:27:52.760
so, suddenly, Adam didn't need Eve.

428
00:27:52.760 --> 00:27:54.200
He could suck his own cock.

429
00:27:58.920 --> 00:27:59.960
Silly old God.

430
00:28:02.240 --> 00:28:04.720
And look, I tell these jokes now.
I'm an atheist now.

431
00:28:04.720 --> 00:28:07.800
I wasn't always. I was raised Catholic,
used to go to church all the time.

432
00:28:07.800 --> 00:28:11.120
Late teens, early twenties,
I thought I might want to be a priest.

433
00:28:14.040 --> 00:28:17.120
But fundamentally, I've just
never found kids that attractive.

434
00:28:21.360 --> 00:28:24.040
For me, it's more a hobby.
I couldn't do it as a full-time job.

435
00:28:27.520 --> 00:28:30.400
Are there Christians in,
thinking, "That was all a bit much"?

436
00:28:30.920 --> 00:28:32.480
Don't worry. It's all made up.

437
00:28:40.600 --> 00:28:44.880
Now, we are a little bit tight for time,
so I probably can't do my Islamic bit.

438
00:28:47.080 --> 00:28:51.200
Do it!

439
00:28:52.560 --> 00:28:56.160
Well, obviously, I'm not going to be
telling the same jokes about Muhammad

440
00:28:56.160 --> 00:28:58.240
I'd feel very comfortable
telling about Jesus Christ,

441
00:28:58.240 --> 00:29:00.040
and that's because, fun fact,

442
00:29:00.040 --> 00:29:01.320
I'm not a fucking idiot.

443
00:29:04.360 --> 00:29:05.400
So if you're a Christian,

444
00:29:05.400 --> 00:29:08.040
and you're sat there thinking,
"That's not fair. He'll make jokes

445
00:29:08.040 --> 00:29:09.280
about Christians all day long,

446
00:29:09.280 --> 00:29:11.480
but he won't make
the same sort of jokes about Muslims,"

447
00:29:11.480 --> 00:29:13.720
well, then, maybe, as a Christian,

448
00:29:13.720 --> 00:29:16.520
you should think
about blowing something up.

449
00:29:19.800 --> 00:29:20.680
Hey?

450
00:29:23.520 --> 00:29:24.880
No one's scared of you.

451
00:29:26.720 --> 00:29:28.400
What are the Christians gonna do,

452
00:29:28.400 --> 00:29:29.400
forgive me?

453
00:29:36.520 --> 00:29:37.520
Here's my big news.

454
00:29:37.520 --> 00:29:40.960
Here's what's going on in my life,
uh, since I was last out. Um...

455
00:29:40.960 --> 00:29:43.400
I'm a father now. I had kids. I'm a dad.

456
00:29:43.400 --> 00:29:45.560
- Thank you.

457
00:29:45.560 --> 00:29:46.600
Very nice of you.

458
00:29:49.600 --> 00:29:53.200
Now a lot of famous people
give their kids unusual names

459
00:29:53.200 --> 00:29:55.120
and live to regret it.

460
00:29:55.120 --> 00:29:57.800
Some people consider my boy's name
to be somewhat unusual,

461
00:29:57.800 --> 00:29:59.280
but then they see his little face,

462
00:29:59.280 --> 00:30:01.760
and he does just look like an Adolf.

463
00:30:09.520 --> 00:30:11.520
We're having a gender reveal for our kid,

464
00:30:11.520 --> 00:30:13.920
but we're gonna wait until it's 21.
We want to be sure.

465
00:30:21.960 --> 00:30:23.520
They have gender reveal parties.

466
00:30:23.520 --> 00:30:25.440
You've all heard
of the gender reveal party.

467
00:30:25.440 --> 00:30:28.560
But you never hear
about a "Are we keeping it?" party.

468
00:30:30.040 --> 00:30:32.840
Eleven weeks into the pregnancy,
and you've baked a cake.

469
00:30:32.840 --> 00:30:35.480
Is it shaped like a baby
or a vacuum cleaner?

470
00:30:42.200 --> 00:30:44.280
I have two kids now.
Couldn't pick a favorite.

471
00:30:44.280 --> 00:30:45.920
Little Jimmy and the other one.

472
00:30:49.120 --> 00:30:51.000
Our boy cried all the time.

473
00:30:51.000 --> 00:30:53.040
We found the only thing
that calmed him down

474
00:30:53.040 --> 00:30:55.720
was to be in the car
with the engine running.

475
00:30:55.720 --> 00:30:57.800
Pro tip, open the garage door.

476
00:31:01.640 --> 00:31:02.920
Now, you don't have to,

477
00:31:02.920 --> 00:31:06.440
but if you don't open the garage door,
you run a very real risk of

478
00:31:06.440 --> 00:31:07.360
Rico.

479
00:31:12.720 --> 00:31:15.320
Bless you, Rico. Bless you.

480
00:31:17.880 --> 00:31:20.840
People that get freaked out
by breastfeeding in public,

481
00:31:20.840 --> 00:31:22.320
they can fuck off. I'm right?

482
00:31:22.320 --> 00:31:24.040
- Yeah.

483
00:31:24.040 --> 00:31:26.320
Sometimes Daddy gets thirsty.

484
00:31:32.840 --> 00:31:34.360
We've all tried it.

485
00:31:36.560 --> 00:31:37.600
Here's a strange thing.

486
00:31:37.600 --> 00:31:39.800
So whenever I visit friends
that have had a baby,

487
00:31:39.800 --> 00:31:42.960
they always tell me the same thing,
they always go, "The baby has a soft bit

488
00:31:42.960 --> 00:31:46.040
on the top of its head
where the skull is yet to fully form."

489
00:31:46.560 --> 00:31:48.080
Why are they telling me that?

490
00:31:48.080 --> 00:31:50.440
So I know the weak spot
if the baby attacks?

491
00:31:54.960 --> 00:31:58.640
What did they think I was going to do,
pick it up like a fucking bowling ball?

492
00:32:01.440 --> 00:32:02.960
"Where do you want this baby?"

493
00:32:07.440 --> 00:32:09.840
My girlfriend wants me
to have my sperm frozen

494
00:32:09.840 --> 00:32:13.480
just in case she ever wants to have,
you know, a come-flavored popsicle.

495
00:32:21.440 --> 00:32:24.640
The first few weeks after the birth
of the child can be incredibly tough,

496
00:32:24.640 --> 00:32:27.880
so pro tip, to avoid postnatal depression,

497
00:32:28.360 --> 00:32:30.280
try not to see your wife naked.

498
00:32:35.240 --> 00:32:37.760
Yeah, I shouldn't have said it,
but I'm not wrong.

499
00:32:40.320 --> 00:32:42.600
Have we got mums in?
Where are the mums? Give us a shout.

500
00:32:43.720 --> 00:32:45.720
Loads of mums. We got any single mums?

501
00:32:46.800 --> 00:32:50.160
- Okay, let's hear from all the mums again.

502
00:32:50.160 --> 00:32:51.520
You're all single mums.

503
00:32:53.280 --> 00:32:56.120
All mums are single mums.
That's my theory.

504
00:32:56.120 --> 00:32:58.000
It's the hardest job in the world,
being a mum.

505
00:32:58.000 --> 00:33:01.480
It's a 24/7, 365,
never-ending task, being a mum,

506
00:33:01.480 --> 00:33:05.200
and to your credit, ladies,
you're all doing it on your own.

507
00:33:05.960 --> 00:33:08.200
- Yeah.

508
00:33:09.600 --> 00:33:14.120
Sure, sure, some of you
have got dads... there.

509
00:33:15.840 --> 00:33:20.440
But, really, stop and think about it.
What are dads actually doing?

510
00:33:20.440 --> 00:33:23.440
- Dads are, at best,

511
00:33:23.440 --> 00:33:25.720
babysitting their own children...

512
00:33:27.320 --> 00:33:29.080
...until Mum gets back.

513
00:33:36.200 --> 00:33:39.640
And I realize that is disrespectful
to stay-at-home dads,

514
00:33:39.640 --> 00:33:42.560
but, seriously,
what are those pussies gonna do?

515
00:33:47.040 --> 00:33:48.800
Have we got any stay-at-home dads in?

516
00:33:48.800 --> 00:33:50.320
'Course not! They're at home.

517
00:33:53.320 --> 00:33:57.480
Look, my point is parents are judged
by vastly different metrics, even today.

518
00:33:57.480 --> 00:33:58.840
It's crazy, but it's true.

519
00:33:58.840 --> 00:34:00.840
To be considered a good mum,
what do you gotta be?

520
00:34:00.840 --> 00:34:04.720
Loving, nurturing, kind,
attentive, always on-call, right?

521
00:34:04.720 --> 00:34:06.600
Not easy to be considered a good mum.

522
00:34:06.600 --> 00:34:10.200
To be considered a good dad,
you just gotta not fuck off.

523
00:34:13.120 --> 00:34:14.560
You've all had that conversation.

524
00:34:14.560 --> 00:34:16.680
"He's a good dad." "What do you mean?"

525
00:34:16.680 --> 00:34:17.720
"He's still there."

526
00:34:22.920 --> 00:34:27.440
That mug that says "World's Best Dad"
should just read, "Still Here."

527
00:34:29.040 --> 00:34:30.560
"Too Lazy To Leave."

528
00:34:36.800 --> 00:34:40.120
Being a dad is amazing.
You-- You should try it, ladies.

529
00:34:42.640 --> 00:34:45.280
It's like being a mum
with none of the responsibility.

530
00:34:46.320 --> 00:34:49.800
Being a mum is a full-time job.
Being a dad is a lovely hobby.

531
00:34:51.800 --> 00:34:54.160
Look, I'll pitch you ladies being a dad.

532
00:34:54.160 --> 00:34:58.840
Being a dad, it's like being royalty
within your own home.

533
00:35:00.160 --> 00:35:03.640
I get wheeled out
for big occasions and photo opportunities.

534
00:35:04.880 --> 00:35:07.440
"Oh, hello, you must be my child.
Very nice to see you."

535
00:35:08.640 --> 00:35:10.400
"And this is your sister, is it?"

536
00:35:12.040 --> 00:35:14.880
"It's another child of mine?
Charmed, I'm sure."

537
00:35:16.320 --> 00:35:18.720
Snap, snap, family photo, and off I fuck.

538
00:35:19.800 --> 00:35:21.800
Cutting a ribbon,
cutting an umbilical cord,

539
00:35:21.800 --> 00:35:24.200
it's the same skill set, isn't it?
I'm royalty!

540
00:35:25.120 --> 00:35:29.080
Being a dad is like being--
It's like being the co-pilot of the house.

541
00:35:29.080 --> 00:35:31.440
I take over when Mum takes a nap.

542
00:35:31.440 --> 00:35:35.120
But takeoff, landing,
heaven forfend there's turbulence...

543
00:35:35.120 --> 00:35:37.640
Basically, if shit gets real,

544
00:35:37.640 --> 00:35:40.800
it's my job to wake her up,
and try not to fuck the stewardess.

545
00:35:46.880 --> 00:35:48.760
Mums are like boxers.

546
00:35:48.760 --> 00:35:51.600
They're in the ring,
they're taking punches, they're bleeding.

547
00:35:51.600 --> 00:35:53.200
Mums are in the fight.

548
00:35:53.200 --> 00:35:55.960
Dads, we're more like cornermen.

549
00:35:56.960 --> 00:35:59.560
We're sat on a stool,
shouting encouragement.

550
00:36:00.320 --> 00:36:03.160
I'm squirting shit in her mouth.
She's spitting into a bucket.

551
00:36:05.360 --> 00:36:07.600
It's fine.
We've been together a long time.

552
00:36:07.600 --> 00:36:09.360
It's my job to throw in the towel.

553
00:36:09.360 --> 00:36:12.800
But first, I'm gonna have to ask her
where we keep the towels.

554
00:36:16.480 --> 00:36:18.760
Have we got any dads in?
Where are all the dads?

555
00:36:18.760 --> 00:36:20.480
- Loads of dads.

556
00:36:20.480 --> 00:36:22.840
You ever do this? You get asked
to do a job round the house,

557
00:36:22.840 --> 00:36:25.600
you don't like the sound of it,
so you do it really bad the first time

558
00:36:25.600 --> 00:36:26.800
so you never get asked again?

559
00:36:27.720 --> 00:36:31.240
Well, long story short, I didn't like
the sound of bathing the baby.

560
00:36:36.840 --> 00:36:38.840
Oh, well, I'll check on it
when I get back.

561
00:36:40.400 --> 00:36:42.600
That's one of those jobs
you don't even need to fuck up.

562
00:36:42.600 --> 00:36:44.880
You just need to suggest
you're going to fuck it up.

563
00:36:45.440 --> 00:36:48.960
"Bath the baby? Not a problem, love.
I'll just boil the kettle."

564
00:36:52.760 --> 00:36:54.400
I'll tell you what no one told me about,

565
00:36:54.400 --> 00:36:56.840
and we should all be talking
about this, Christmas.

566
00:36:56.840 --> 00:37:00.600
Christmas is incredible for dads,
because it's not just the kids

567
00:37:00.600 --> 00:37:02.680
that get a wonderful surprise
on Christmas morning

568
00:37:02.680 --> 00:37:04.560
when they tear open their gifts.

569
00:37:04.560 --> 00:37:07.800
Us dads are sat there thinking,
"Oh! I wonder what we got them."

570
00:37:14.440 --> 00:37:17.160
Dads might as well believe in Santa Claus.

571
00:37:17.840 --> 00:37:20.880
All we know for sure
is we were not involved.

572
00:37:22.880 --> 00:37:24.760
Sat there thinking...

573
00:37:24.760 --> 00:37:27.200
Sat there thinking,
"That looks expensive. Who got you that?"

574
00:37:30.160 --> 00:37:31.760
-"Did I?"

575
00:37:31.760 --> 00:37:33.600
"For fuck's sake, love."

576
00:37:34.840 --> 00:37:37.040
If you've ever thanked your father
for a Christmas gift,

577
00:37:37.040 --> 00:37:38.240
you're a fucking idiot.

578
00:37:41.120 --> 00:37:42.560
Here's what happened last week.

579
00:37:42.560 --> 00:37:45.640
My kid walked in on me having sex
and freaked out.

580
00:37:45.640 --> 00:37:48.920
He said, "Are you trying to hurt Mummy?"
I said, "Well, of course not."

581
00:37:48.920 --> 00:37:52.200
He said, "Well, then you better not
let her catch you fucking the nanny."

582
00:38:01.120 --> 00:38:03.160
Look, I was worried
about becoming a father

583
00:38:03.160 --> 00:38:05.680
because this is what I do for a living,
I tell edgy jokes.

584
00:38:05.680 --> 00:38:07.200
And I was worried, becoming a dad,

585
00:38:07.200 --> 00:38:10.040
I'd get all sentimental
and I would lose some of that edge.

586
00:38:10.040 --> 00:38:12.240
So I'm gonna tell you a story now,
true story.

587
00:38:12.240 --> 00:38:15.160
I don't tell many true stories on stage,
so please indulge me.

588
00:38:15.160 --> 00:38:17.520
Uh, this is from the day
I became a father.

589
00:38:17.520 --> 00:38:20.640
So if you've not had kids,
you might not know,

590
00:38:20.640 --> 00:38:22.440
you've got the go bag by the front door.

591
00:38:22.440 --> 00:38:24.880
It's everything you're gonna need
for the hospital in one bag.

592
00:38:24.880 --> 00:38:26.400
You got the babygrows, the nappies,

593
00:38:26.400 --> 00:38:28.200
the wash bag,
the nightie, the dressing gown.

594
00:38:28.200 --> 00:38:30.720
It's all in the go bag
so you're good to go when the time comes.

595
00:38:30.720 --> 00:38:34.040
Now, you pack it quite early
when it's your first kid.

596
00:38:34.040 --> 00:38:37.280
Seriously. My dick wasn't dry,
we had the go bag ready.

597
00:38:40.320 --> 00:38:43.120
And a good job too,
because 34 weeks into the pregnancy,

598
00:38:43.120 --> 00:38:45.160
we had a medical emergency.

599
00:38:45.160 --> 00:38:46.600
We got rushed to hospital,

600
00:38:46.600 --> 00:38:49.560
we had to have an emergency
Cesarean section at 34 weeks,

601
00:38:49.560 --> 00:38:50.920
which was gut-wrenching.

602
00:38:58.160 --> 00:39:01.040
Now, if you deliver at 34 weeks,
you find out very quickly as a parent,

603
00:39:01.040 --> 00:39:02.360
it's all about lung development.

604
00:39:02.360 --> 00:39:05.000
Are the baby's lungs gonna be
developed enough to breathe unaided,

605
00:39:05.000 --> 00:39:08.000
or is there going to have to be
a medical intervention, intubation,

606
00:39:08.000 --> 00:39:09.440
and all of the associated drama?

607
00:39:09.440 --> 00:39:12.640
Now, thankfully, my child's lungs
were developed enough

608
00:39:12.640 --> 00:39:15.480
that he could breathe unaided,
but he was very premature.

609
00:39:15.480 --> 00:39:18.680
So the average birth weight in the UK,
about eight pounds.

610
00:39:18.680 --> 00:39:20.120
He was under four pounds.

611
00:39:21.440 --> 00:39:24.600
They handed me my son,
umbilical cord still attached,

612
00:39:25.240 --> 00:39:26.840
he fit in the palms of my hands.

613
00:39:27.840 --> 00:39:30.160
And it's very binary for men.

614
00:39:30.160 --> 00:39:32.320
We don't have nine months
of pregnancy and hormones

615
00:39:32.320 --> 00:39:34.400
to get our head around
the idea of being parents.

616
00:39:34.400 --> 00:39:36.440
We're not, and then suddenly we are.

617
00:39:36.440 --> 00:39:39.320
Suddenly, there's something
in the world more important than us,

618
00:39:39.320 --> 00:39:42.120
and it needs looking after,
and that's our job.

619
00:39:43.440 --> 00:39:46.960
And my first job as a parent,
first thing I ever had to do for my boy,

620
00:39:47.640 --> 00:39:49.280
was to find him something to wear.

621
00:39:52.520 --> 00:39:56.520
Because in the aforementioned go bag,
I brought babygrows for a full-term baby,

622
00:39:56.520 --> 00:39:58.640
'cause that's what
everyone thinks they're gonna get.

623
00:39:58.640 --> 00:40:00.240
Life doesn't always work out that way.

624
00:40:00.240 --> 00:40:02.520
So we had this little premature baby
to take care of,

625
00:40:02.520 --> 00:40:04.560
so the nurses told me where to go.

626
00:40:04.560 --> 00:40:06.920
There's a clothing store,
they've got everything for kids,

627
00:40:06.920 --> 00:40:09.280
about three blocks from the hospital,
got everything,

628
00:40:09.280 --> 00:40:11.760
and they've got this section
of stuff for premature babies.

629
00:40:11.760 --> 00:40:14.560
Now, I'd never seen the babygrows
for a premature baby.

630
00:40:14.560 --> 00:40:17.120
If you've not seen them,
they're heartbreakers.

631
00:40:17.120 --> 00:40:19.080
You can't believe a human being

632
00:40:19.080 --> 00:40:22.800
could fit into something
so fragile and delicate and tiny.

633
00:40:22.800 --> 00:40:24.240
They're like dolls' clothes.

634
00:40:24.960 --> 00:40:27.600
So I rushed in there,
I picked up what they had in his size,

635
00:40:27.600 --> 00:40:29.520
they had three in his size,
so I grabbed them

636
00:40:29.520 --> 00:40:30.960
and I took them up to the counter.

637
00:40:30.960 --> 00:40:34.200
And this lovely lady behind the counter
said, "Do you want the coat hangers?"

638
00:40:34.200 --> 00:40:36.000
I said,
"I think it's a bit late for that."

639
00:40:39.120 --> 00:40:40.600
Oh, the relief!

640
00:40:44.240 --> 00:40:47.840
I'd been a dad about 90 minutes,
I thought, "This changes nothing!"

641
00:40:50.760 --> 00:40:53.600
It's a genuinely true story.
The look on her face...

642
00:40:58.240 --> 00:41:01.360
And then I did want the coat hangers,
and she didn't want to give 'em to me.

643
00:41:07.320 --> 00:41:11.080
My girlfriend put me on the spot recently.
She said, "What are my ten best features?"

644
00:41:11.080 --> 00:41:12.720
I said, "I like your optimism."

645
00:41:15.920 --> 00:41:18.000
"Ten? Wind your fucking neck in, love."

646
00:41:19.160 --> 00:41:21.360
"I couldn't name three. I'm still here."

647
00:41:22.440 --> 00:41:24.840
Who's engaged to be married?
Is anyone here engaged?

648
00:41:25.840 --> 00:41:28.680
You-- You guys are engaged, down here.
Fab. What's your name, sir?

649
00:41:28.680 --> 00:41:29.840
- Chris.
- Chris.

650
00:41:29.840 --> 00:41:31.800
- Uh, and you're from...
- 'Stralia.

651
00:41:31.800 --> 00:41:33.560
'Stralia. Which bit of 'Stralia?

652
00:41:33.560 --> 00:41:35.920
- Sydney.
- Sydney. We've heard of it.

653
00:41:35.920 --> 00:41:37.640
I love it. Okay, and you're from...

654
00:41:37.640 --> 00:41:39.800
- Here.
- From here. What's your name, madam?

655
00:41:39.800 --> 00:41:41.680
- Leann.
- Hey, Leann. Hey, Chris.

656
00:41:41.680 --> 00:41:42.800
Well, congratulations.

657
00:41:42.800 --> 00:41:45.200
What was the proposal like?
That's always my question.

658
00:41:45.200 --> 00:41:47.920
Because there's the middle class
and the working class.

659
00:41:47.920 --> 00:41:50.400
Those are the two... Are you all familiar?

660
00:41:50.400 --> 00:41:51.680
I'll-- I'll go through it.

661
00:41:51.680 --> 00:41:55.720
Okay, so your middle-class proposal,
it's-- it's your classic, your cliché,

662
00:41:55.720 --> 00:41:57.160
the man goes down on one knee,

663
00:41:57.160 --> 00:41:59.440
he's got the ring in a box,
opens the ring box,

664
00:41:59.440 --> 00:42:02.040
diamond glimmers in her eyes,
places the ring on her finger.

665
00:42:02.720 --> 00:42:05.440
She knows what's going on.
She's no dummy. But he says it anyway.

666
00:42:05.440 --> 00:42:08.400
"Will you make me the happiest man
in the world and be my wife?"

667
00:42:10.040 --> 00:42:12.120
She cries, he cries,
there's often a snot bubble.

668
00:42:12.120 --> 00:42:13.520
It's a very emotional day.

669
00:42:14.640 --> 00:42:16.240
And then there's a photo shoot

670
00:42:16.240 --> 00:42:18.440
with her finger
so it doesn't look fat in the photo...

671
00:42:19.440 --> 00:42:21.560
...that must be sent
to everyone she's ever fucking met.

672
00:42:21.560 --> 00:42:23.840
That's your classic middle-class proposal.

673
00:42:23.840 --> 00:42:26.600
It's a cliché, but it's a cliché
'cause it works for people.

674
00:42:26.600 --> 00:42:28.880
And that's as distinct
from the working-class proposal.

675
00:42:28.880 --> 00:42:29.800
Little bit different.

676
00:42:29.800 --> 00:42:33.120
That's where the woman--
Not the man, thank you very much.

677
00:42:33.120 --> 00:42:34.280
...where the woman

678
00:42:34.280 --> 00:42:35.800
pisses on a stick.

679
00:42:43.920 --> 00:42:45.160
"We're getting married."

680
00:42:53.720 --> 00:42:54.920
Which-- Which one was it?

681
00:42:54.920 --> 00:42:56.240
The last one.

682
00:42:56.240 --> 00:42:58.640
The last one. Yeah, well, that's--
There's no shame in it.

683
00:42:59.240 --> 00:43:01.120
Double congratulations, guys.

684
00:43:01.720 --> 00:43:03.680
Well, fair enough.
He's from-- He's from Australia.

685
00:43:03.680 --> 00:43:04.920
It's considered posh there

686
00:43:04.920 --> 00:43:07.080
if your baby's tattoos
are spelled correctly.

687
00:43:10.400 --> 00:43:13.080
Who's in this situation?
Who's in a long-term relationship,

688
00:43:13.080 --> 00:43:14.680
but he's not asked yet?

689
00:43:17.480 --> 00:43:20.240
Well, the-- there's a big one there.
Which-- Which guy?

690
00:43:20.240 --> 00:43:23.440
- This guy. How long you been together?
Ten and a half years.

691
00:43:23.440 --> 00:43:25.520
Ten and a half years, okay.
What's your name, madam?

692
00:43:25.520 --> 00:43:27.320
- Daniela.
- Daniela. Hi, Daniela.

693
00:43:27.320 --> 00:43:28.640
- Hi.
- And what's your name, sir?

694
00:43:28.640 --> 00:43:30.160
- Louie.
- Louie.

695
00:43:30.160 --> 00:43:32.800
Daniela, do you wanna know why
Louie hasn't asked you to marry him?

696
00:43:32.800 --> 00:43:35.240
'Cause I could tell you.
I can see it from here.

697
00:43:39.520 --> 00:43:41.960
And the irony's gonna kill you, Daniela,

698
00:43:41.960 --> 00:43:44.400
'cause the reason
he's not gonna ask you to marry him

699
00:43:44.400 --> 00:43:46.640
is the same reason that you love that man.

700
00:43:46.640 --> 00:43:51.600
I say "man." I should say "boy,"
because there's a child in those eyes.

701
00:43:52.720 --> 00:43:55.800
You're a dreamer, aren't you, Louie?
He's a dreamer, Daniela.

702
00:43:55.800 --> 00:43:59.480
He's a dreamer,
and he thinks one day he could do better.

703
00:44:10.000 --> 00:44:11.960
But I don't want you to worry.

704
00:44:13.360 --> 00:44:15.640
'Cause one day,
he will give up and settle.

705
00:44:22.720 --> 00:44:25.480
My point, ladies,
is proposals are not romantic.

706
00:44:25.480 --> 00:44:27.520
There's a reason
men propose on their knees.

707
00:44:27.520 --> 00:44:28.960
They've fucking given up.

708
00:44:33.000 --> 00:44:34.920
I don't really understand
mother-in-law jokes.

709
00:44:34.920 --> 00:44:37.640
I've never really got
what mother-in-law jokes are meant to be,

710
00:44:37.640 --> 00:44:39.640
because, really,
what is your mother-in-law?

711
00:44:39.640 --> 00:44:42.680
When you think about it,
gentlemen, it's Christmas Future.

712
00:44:43.960 --> 00:44:45.720
Yeah. Let that sink in.

713
00:44:46.640 --> 00:44:49.360
Your mother-in-law,
that's what you've got in the post.

714
00:44:51.080 --> 00:44:53.320
So you guys are getting married, right?

715
00:44:53.320 --> 00:44:54.720
- Have you met her mum?
- Yes.

716
00:44:54.720 --> 00:44:56.960
You have? Okay.
So if you picture her mum now,

717
00:44:56.960 --> 00:44:58.080
in your mind's eye,

718
00:44:58.080 --> 00:45:01.600
if you can't imagine yourself
hanging out the back of it...

719
00:45:05.160 --> 00:45:07.960
...then I don't think this relationship
really has a future, so...

720
00:45:09.120 --> 00:45:11.920
Here's my question to you,
and I hate to put you on the spot.

721
00:45:13.160 --> 00:45:14.400
Would you fuck her mum?

722
00:45:17.240 --> 00:45:19.200
I'm gonna need an answer on this.

723
00:45:19.200 --> 00:45:21.320
A yes or a no. It's gotta be yes or no.

724
00:45:22.120 --> 00:45:24.320
- Yes.
- You're saying yes. Just...

725
00:45:26.040 --> 00:45:27.440
It's the right answer.

726
00:45:31.760 --> 00:45:33.640
I realize that might feel
slightly uncomfortable,

727
00:45:33.640 --> 00:45:36.120
but that's the right answer.
That means he loves you for reals.

728
00:45:36.640 --> 00:45:38.200
'Cause-- I'll explain what's going on.

729
00:45:38.200 --> 00:45:40.840
You're marrying this beautiful woman.
You're a beautiful woman...

730
00:45:40.840 --> 00:45:41.760
now.

731
00:45:43.520 --> 00:45:46.560
But you're gonna morph into your mum
over the next 25 years.

732
00:45:46.560 --> 00:45:49.280
There's nothing we can do about that.
That is just nature.

733
00:45:49.280 --> 00:45:52.280
And your mum is,
let's assume, a fucking state.

734
00:45:57.640 --> 00:45:59.000
Some offense.

735
00:46:01.640 --> 00:46:03.560
But at no point
is he going to look at you and go,

736
00:46:03.560 --> 00:46:06.080
"Ooh, no, I'd be thumbing in a softie.
I'm out."

737
00:46:06.080 --> 00:46:08.560
- This is--

738
00:46:08.560 --> 00:46:10.120
This is actually very romantic.

739
00:46:10.120 --> 00:46:12.240
Maybe-- I don't know
if you're writing your own vows,

740
00:46:12.240 --> 00:46:14.560
but maybe we could
work this into your big day.

741
00:46:15.240 --> 00:46:17.560
At some point, he could clink a glass...

742
00:46:18.200 --> 00:46:20.600
"Do I love her?
I'll say. I'd fuck her mum."

743
00:46:32.640 --> 00:46:37.160
Now, have we got young men in,
18, 19 years of age, out with family?

744
00:46:37.160 --> 00:46:39.000
- That's what we're looking for.
Yeah.

745
00:46:39.000 --> 00:46:40.680
- What's your name, man?
Jacob.

746
00:46:40.680 --> 00:46:42.680
- Who are you here with?
My dad.

747
00:46:42.680 --> 00:46:44.000
- Your dad?
Yeah.

748
00:46:44.000 --> 00:46:46.240
- What age are you, Jacob?
Nineteen.

749
00:46:46.240 --> 00:46:48.120
Nineteen. Jacob.

750
00:46:49.480 --> 00:46:51.600
All right, Jacob.
Look, I'll explain what's going on.

751
00:46:51.600 --> 00:46:54.320
So... women, very good at communicating,

752
00:46:54.320 --> 00:46:56.640
not just with each other, intergenerationally.

753
00:46:56.640 --> 00:46:58.800
Women talk to girls,
let them know what's up,

754
00:46:58.800 --> 00:47:01.640
and that's why girls
are not fucking dummies.

755
00:47:01.640 --> 00:47:04.480
- Young men could be fucking dummies.

756
00:47:04.480 --> 00:47:07.240
It's not your fault, Jacob.
It's our fault, it's society's fault.

757
00:47:07.240 --> 00:47:09.480
There's not enough sex education
for young men.

758
00:47:09.480 --> 00:47:11.000
Well, that changes now.

759
00:47:13.200 --> 00:47:15.840
Jacob, we're gonna have the talk.

760
00:47:15.840 --> 00:47:19.120
- Have you had the talk with your dad?

761
00:47:20.320 --> 00:47:21.240
No.

762
00:47:24.040 --> 00:47:26.840
Well, don't worry, Jacob.
I'm your daddy now.

763
00:47:30.600 --> 00:47:33.520
The reason I wanted to talk to you,
there've been some exciting developments

764
00:47:33.520 --> 00:47:34.560
in dating, Jacob.

765
00:47:34.560 --> 00:47:36.880
Consent has become very popular.

766
00:47:39.400 --> 00:47:41.800
Oh, consent is all the rage these days.

767
00:47:42.440 --> 00:47:44.200
It's the new fingerblasting, Jacob.

768
00:47:46.400 --> 00:47:47.920
Are you familiar with the shocker?

769
00:47:49.240 --> 00:47:51.480
Two in the pink, one in the stink.
That's how that works.

770
00:47:51.480 --> 00:47:54.160
- You're right. He’s only young.

771
00:47:54.160 --> 00:47:55.960
Two in the goo, one in the poo.
There, fine.

772
00:48:00.120 --> 00:48:03.520
Here's everything you need to know
about consent, young Padawan.

773
00:48:04.440 --> 00:48:08.520
Consent is a one-use deal.
One consent per action. Yeah?

774
00:48:09.080 --> 00:48:11.320
So a thumbs-up to "May I kiss you?"

775
00:48:13.080 --> 00:48:16.800
cannot, will not, ever give you
blanket cover for the evening, Jacob.

776
00:48:16.800 --> 00:48:20.440
You can't then assume the fucking
and the anal and the facial.

777
00:48:20.440 --> 00:48:22.960
- No, Jacob. No.

778
00:48:24.320 --> 00:48:25.960
One consent per action.

779
00:48:25.960 --> 00:48:28.160
Think of it like condoms. One use only.

780
00:48:29.520 --> 00:48:32.720
Sure, a young lady might tell you
she cares deeply about the environment,

781
00:48:32.720 --> 00:48:35.200
but you should see her face
when you're rinsing out a condom.

782
00:48:38.440 --> 00:48:41.960
Even Greta Thunberg would say,
"No, no, throw a fresh one up me."

783
00:48:47.040 --> 00:48:48.920
Well, let me ask
the grown men in the room.

784
00:48:48.920 --> 00:48:50.800
Who thinks it ruins the romance

785
00:48:50.800 --> 00:48:53.560
to ask for consent
at every stage of a sexual encounter?

786
00:48:54.400 --> 00:48:55.400
Yeah.

787
00:48:55.400 --> 00:48:56.880
Well, you may be rapists.

788
00:49:00.120 --> 00:49:02.120
Not good role models for you, Jacob.

789
00:49:03.160 --> 00:49:05.800
His idea of safe sex
is wearing a balaclava.

790
00:49:08.600 --> 00:49:11.080
He thinks foreplay's an uncovered drink.

791
00:49:13.440 --> 00:49:16.160
His favorite chat-up line is,
"Does anyone know you're here?"

792
00:49:18.720 --> 00:49:21.560
But you, you know, you're 19.

793
00:49:21.560 --> 00:49:23.440
We can mold you, as from clay,

794
00:49:23.440 --> 00:49:25.960
into the man we want to see in the future.
This is exciting.

795
00:49:25.960 --> 00:49:28.400
Here's the key thing.
Communication, Jacob.

796
00:49:28.400 --> 00:49:30.720
Talk to the girl that you're with.

797
00:49:30.720 --> 00:49:33.440
Fuck being embarrassed. Fuck being shy.

798
00:49:33.440 --> 00:49:34.440
Talk to the girl.

799
00:49:34.440 --> 00:49:36.600
- That's it. It's that simple.

800
00:49:40.160 --> 00:49:41.840
Ask her, "Do you mind
if I touch you there?"

801
00:49:41.840 --> 00:49:43.600
"Is it okay if we try this?"

802
00:49:43.600 --> 00:49:44.640
"Is it in yet?"

803
00:49:47.800 --> 00:49:50.800
And really, I think we need
to rebrand consent for men of your age,

804
00:49:50.800 --> 00:49:52.120
because for young men,

805
00:49:52.120 --> 00:49:55.480
consent sounds like the boring bit
before the fun happens.

806
00:49:55.480 --> 00:49:58.560
It's the paperwork
before you get your hands on the jet ski.

807
00:49:59.440 --> 00:50:01.840
That analogy works best
if she's a squirter.

808
00:50:04.920 --> 00:50:05.880
Ask your mum.

809
00:50:16.360 --> 00:50:18.000
But consent can be half the fun,

810
00:50:18.000 --> 00:50:21.360
because really, consent,
all it is is dirty talk done right.

811
00:50:22.160 --> 00:50:24.640
"But how do I do dirty talk right, Jimmy?"

812
00:50:24.640 --> 00:50:26.720
Great question, Jacob. I'll tell you.

813
00:50:29.120 --> 00:50:31.240
Three elements
to getting dirty talk right.

814
00:50:31.240 --> 00:50:35.640
Element one, right, uh, say what you see.
Check everyone is on the same page.

815
00:50:35.640 --> 00:50:37.480
"I'm hard. You're wet."

816
00:50:37.480 --> 00:50:40.240
Stating the obvious
like a sexual Rain Man.

817
00:50:44.080 --> 00:50:45.640
Stage two, say what you want to happen.

818
00:50:45.640 --> 00:50:48.560
Nine times out of ten,
it's gonna be, "I wanna fuck you."

819
00:50:48.560 --> 00:50:51.360
You'd struggle to mess it up, Jacob.
You're a bright boy.

820
00:50:53.600 --> 00:50:55.200
Stage three...

821
00:50:56.360 --> 00:50:59.040
...ask questions. And here's
the great news, there's no bad questions.

822
00:50:59.040 --> 00:51:01.920
Ask what you want.
"Do you want a thumb in your bum?"

823
00:51:03.240 --> 00:51:06.080
"Will you put your thumb in my bum?"
It's all good.

824
00:51:07.560 --> 00:51:10.120
Let's talk about enthusiastic consent.

825
00:51:10.120 --> 00:51:12.880
Jacob, have you heard the phrase,
"Enthusiastic consent"?

826
00:51:12.880 --> 00:51:15.000
- No, I haven't.
- Okay. Well, it's a great idea.

827
00:51:15.000 --> 00:51:16.880
It's a bad expression. I don't love it.

828
00:51:16.880 --> 00:51:19.880
"Enthusiastic consent" makes it sound
like she's gotta make a banner

829
00:51:19.880 --> 00:51:21.520
saying, "Fuck me, Jacob,"

830
00:51:21.520 --> 00:51:24.320
dressed as a cheerleader
with the pom-poms and the dancing.

831
00:51:24.320 --> 00:51:26.360
That'd be lovely. Not necessary.

832
00:51:26.360 --> 00:51:30.360
All enthusiastic consent means
is what she says and her body language

833
00:51:30.360 --> 00:51:33.720
need to match up perfectly.
It needs to make sense.

834
00:51:33.720 --> 00:51:35.400
So no means no. You know that?

835
00:51:36.000 --> 00:51:37.040
Of course you do.

836
00:51:37.040 --> 00:51:39.400
Yes does not always mean yes.
I'll explain.

837
00:51:39.400 --> 00:51:43.320
So if a girl says yes to sex with you,
but she says it through gritted teeth,

838
00:51:43.320 --> 00:51:45.320
like she's in a fucking horror movie...

839
00:51:46.920 --> 00:51:49.040
"Yes, Jacob. I want you to fuck me."

840
00:51:51.640 --> 00:51:52.520
Don't.

841
00:51:53.880 --> 00:51:56.440
If a girl says yes to sex with you
but she's physically tensing,

842
00:51:56.440 --> 00:51:59.280
like something's going to hit her
in the stomach, don't fuck her.

843
00:51:59.280 --> 00:52:01.800
Great rule of thumb for you,
if she's stiffer than your dick,

844
00:52:01.800 --> 00:52:02.720
don't fuck her.

845
00:52:07.080 --> 00:52:09.840
Okay, well, look, we've covered
the basics. You seem like a bright boy.

846
00:52:09.840 --> 00:52:12.280
- Should we take it up a gear?
Yeah.

847
00:52:12.800 --> 00:52:15.560
Jacob, do you know how to tell
when a woman is ovulating?

848
00:52:16.760 --> 00:52:19.400
Yeah, that's women giggling,
and men going, "What?"

849
00:52:21.560 --> 00:52:24.840
You can tell when a woman is ovulating,
'cause when a woman is ovulating, Jacob,

850
00:52:24.840 --> 00:52:26.120
she'll fuck you.

851
00:52:29.160 --> 00:52:32.000
All the women in here know.
There are women in here right now

852
00:52:32.000 --> 00:52:35.360
with men they wouldn't have looked at
twice anywhere else in their cycle.

853
00:52:35.360 --> 00:52:37.160
They were ovulating, so they fucked him.

854
00:52:38.440 --> 00:52:40.240
The funny thing is
there are men in this room

855
00:52:40.240 --> 00:52:42.000
that think they seduced that woman.

856
00:52:42.520 --> 00:52:45.280
No. She was ovulating.
She would have fucked anyone that night.

857
00:52:46.840 --> 00:52:49.800
Basically, when she's ovulating,
her pussy is eating her thigh.

858
00:53:00.120 --> 00:53:02.200
I don't do many impersonations.

859
00:53:02.720 --> 00:53:04.480
I do a very passable ravenous vagina.

860
00:53:08.960 --> 00:53:10.840
And look, I know
this might seem patronizing.

861
00:53:10.840 --> 00:53:12.360
You're-- You're 19, I'm 50.

862
00:53:12.360 --> 00:53:14.800
I'm talking down to you
literally and metaphorically,

863
00:53:14.800 --> 00:53:16.600
but I want you
to get something out of this,

864
00:53:16.600 --> 00:53:19.520
so I'm gonna share
with you now the best advice I've ever had

865
00:53:19.520 --> 00:53:21.840
on women, dating, and relationships.

866
00:53:21.840 --> 00:53:24.880
This is wisdom
passed down through the ages.

867
00:53:25.840 --> 00:53:27.880
You thought you're seeing
a comedy show with your dad.

868
00:53:27.880 --> 00:53:31.240
It's bigger than that, Jacob.
Tonight-- Tonight, you become a man.

869
00:53:33.040 --> 00:53:35.200
This is some fucking <i>Lion King</i> shit.

870
00:53:36.520 --> 00:53:37.600
You ready, Jacob?

871
00:53:37.600 --> 00:53:39.000
- Yes.
Okay.

872
00:53:39.000 --> 00:53:41.920
If you live by this,
I think you're gonna do all right.

873
00:53:45.120 --> 00:53:46.080
You ready?

874
00:53:47.800 --> 00:53:49.720
Don't stick your dick in crazy.

875
00:53:54.440 --> 00:53:56.720
That's it. That's it.

876
00:54:00.000 --> 00:54:02.720
If you meet a girl, Jacob,
doesn't matter how attractive she is,

877
00:54:03.320 --> 00:54:06.800
if she seems a bit mental,
don't stick your dick in it.

878
00:54:08.720 --> 00:54:11.680
I want you to view that woman
as you would a food blender.

879
00:54:13.160 --> 00:54:14.840
Have you got a food blender in the house?

880
00:54:14.840 --> 00:54:17.640
Of course you have.
You ever put your dick in it? No.

881
00:54:17.640 --> 00:54:19.480
Real smart. Same-same.

882
00:54:21.040 --> 00:54:24.320
Don't stick your dick in crazy.
And look, you might be a dreamer.

883
00:54:24.320 --> 00:54:26.520
I don't know, Jacob.
You might be thinking even now,

884
00:54:26.520 --> 00:54:28.560
"Yeah, but what if it's a supermodel
from Paris?"

885
00:54:28.560 --> 00:54:31.520
Well, if it is, and she's talking to you,
she's definitely fucking mental.

886
00:54:35.440 --> 00:54:37.960
All right, quick pop quiz for Jacob.
Let's see where he's at.

887
00:54:41.120 --> 00:54:42.920
You're gonna do fine, Jacob.

888
00:54:43.720 --> 00:54:46.800
Are you aware, Jacob,
there are different types of consent?

889
00:54:46.800 --> 00:54:48.600
Sure, yeah.

890
00:54:50.080 --> 00:54:51.480
Talk us through them, Jacob.

891
00:54:54.760 --> 00:54:57.320
That's a little bonus lesson
for you, Jacob.

892
00:54:57.320 --> 00:54:59.120
Don't bullshit a bullshitter, kid.

893
00:55:01.000 --> 00:55:02.160
I'll walk you through this.

894
00:55:02.160 --> 00:55:04.400
So, you've got--
You've got consent to fuck.

895
00:55:04.400 --> 00:55:07.800
That's the big one.
The headline act. "Consent to fuck."

896
00:55:07.800 --> 00:55:11.320
That gets all the attention, Jacob,
but there's other consents.

897
00:55:11.320 --> 00:55:13.600
There's consent
to get your dick out, Jacob.

898
00:55:20.360 --> 00:55:22.360
When's a good time
to get your dick out, Jacob?

899
00:55:24.320 --> 00:55:25.280
I'll tell you what.

900
00:55:26.000 --> 00:55:27.120
Let's workshop this.

901
00:55:30.960 --> 00:55:34.040
Yeah, let's gamify it.
We're laughing and we're learning.

902
00:55:34.040 --> 00:55:35.120
What fun we're having.

903
00:55:35.120 --> 00:55:37.160
I'm gonna give you some scenarios,

904
00:55:37.160 --> 00:55:39.680
right, you've just gotta
tell me yes or no.

905
00:55:39.680 --> 00:55:42.320
Is it a good time to get your dick out?
You up for this, Jacob?

906
00:55:42.320 --> 00:55:44.320
Give him some encouragement.
It's Jacob, everyone.

907
00:55:44.320 --> 00:55:46.560
- That's right.

908
00:55:46.560 --> 00:55:49.240
That's right. Good on you. Now...

909
00:55:50.640 --> 00:55:53.200
So, first scenario, Jacob.
You've asked a girl out on a date.

910
00:55:53.200 --> 00:55:54.840
She's agreed to go on a date with you.

911
00:55:54.840 --> 00:55:57.160
And why wouldn't she,
you fucking dreamboat?

912
00:55:58.280 --> 00:56:01.080
You pick her up at hers at seven
in the evening, you ring the doorbell.

913
00:56:01.080 --> 00:56:02.160
Ding-dong.

914
00:56:02.160 --> 00:56:04.360
She answers the door.
She's all dressed up for the date.

915
00:56:04.360 --> 00:56:06.880
You're stood there, dick out, ding-dong.

916
00:56:08.320 --> 00:56:10.760
Let her see
what you've got in store for her.

917
00:56:10.760 --> 00:56:13.720
Pointless wasting her time if she doesn't
like the look of the merchandise.

918
00:56:13.720 --> 00:56:15.800
- What do you think, Jacob. Yes or no?
- That's a no.

919
00:56:15.800 --> 00:56:18.840
-"That's a no" is the right answer!

920
00:56:18.840 --> 00:56:19.920
Perfect. One for one.

921
00:56:21.320 --> 00:56:24.120
Second scenario, right.
You're having dinner with the girl.

922
00:56:24.120 --> 00:56:26.680
It's going great,
the conversation is flowing easily.

923
00:56:26.680 --> 00:56:28.800
You're laughing at her jokes,
she's laughing at yours.

924
00:56:28.800 --> 00:56:30.360
There's a bit of chemistry in the air.

925
00:56:30.360 --> 00:56:33.800
You say, "Look, enjoy dessert,
but leave room for this sweet dick."

926
00:56:37.760 --> 00:56:39.600
What do you think, Jacob? Yes or no?

927
00:56:40.480 --> 00:56:41.480
Maybe.

928
00:56:59.800 --> 00:57:02.000
That was a fucking lay-up, kid. That was...

929
00:57:02.600 --> 00:57:03.560
"Maybe"?

930
00:57:06.240 --> 00:57:07.600
You're in a restaurant...

931
00:57:09.120 --> 00:57:11.680
In a public place. There's food around.

932
00:57:14.760 --> 00:57:16.880
- Yes or no, Jacob?
- Okay, no.

933
00:57:16.880 --> 00:57:18.080
Is the right answer.

934
00:57:22.200 --> 00:57:23.040
Now...

935
00:57:24.320 --> 00:57:25.160
Third scenario.

936
00:57:26.320 --> 00:57:28.840
You're back at hers.
There's no one else in the house.

937
00:57:28.840 --> 00:57:32.680
You're on the sofa, making out,
kissing and a-cuddling.

938
00:57:32.680 --> 00:57:34.000
You've got her top off.

939
00:57:37.240 --> 00:57:39.440
Sidebar, you make the noise in your head.

940
00:57:43.160 --> 00:57:45.040
Well, if I don't tell him, who will?

941
00:57:46.400 --> 00:57:49.440
I feel like I've solved a mystery there
for quite a lot of the ladies.

942
00:57:49.960 --> 00:57:53.120
You've always wondered what that
gormless expression on his face was

943
00:57:53.120 --> 00:57:56.240
when he was honking away
on your tits.

944
00:57:56.920 --> 00:57:59.040
Clown horn in his head.
It takes concentration.

945
00:57:59.040 --> 00:58:01.760
- All right, Jacob.

946
00:58:01.760 --> 00:58:03.880
So you're making out with her,
you've got her top off,

947
00:58:03.880 --> 00:58:06.600
she's wetter than a submarine
with a screen door. Oh!

948
00:58:08.320 --> 00:58:10.480
Oh, it's like an otter's pocket.

949
00:58:12.640 --> 00:58:14.840
Wetter than a penguin on a Slip 'N Slide.

950
00:58:14.840 --> 00:58:17.120
- What do you think, Jacob?

951
00:58:17.120 --> 00:58:18.920
- Good time to get your dick out?
- Yes.

952
00:58:18.920 --> 00:58:20.600
No, Jacob! No!

953
00:58:20.600 --> 00:58:22.800
Bad boy! Dirty boy!

954
00:58:22.800 --> 00:58:24.800
No! Don't get your dick out!

955
00:58:24.800 --> 00:58:27.520
Don't get your dick out!

956
00:58:27.520 --> 00:58:29.360
Never get-- Look at me!

957
00:58:29.360 --> 00:58:31.560
Don't get your dick out! Bad boy!

958
00:58:31.560 --> 00:58:32.960
Dirty boy!

959
00:58:32.960 --> 00:58:36.000
Don't get your dick out!

960
00:58:36.000 --> 00:58:38.440
Never get your dick--

961
00:58:38.440 --> 00:58:39.960
Never get your dick out!

962
00:58:39.960 --> 00:58:42.160
Don't get your dick out!

963
00:58:42.160 --> 00:58:44.520
Never get your dick out, Jacob!

964
00:58:45.240 --> 00:58:46.880
Let <i>her</i> get your dick out.

965
00:58:48.520 --> 00:58:51.040
Then you're gold. Then you're gold!

966
00:58:54.960 --> 00:58:58.360
Thank you so much for being out.
I really appreciate everyone.

967
00:58:58.360 --> 00:59:01.160
That's it. Thank you very much, everyone!
Cheers. Good night!

968
00:59:01.640 --> 00:59:04.080
Thank you very much.
It's very sweet of you. Cheers.

969
00:59:04.080 --> 00:59:06.000
Thanks for coming out, everyone. Cheers.

970
00:59:07.480 --> 00:59:08.520
Hey!

971
00:59:10.520 --> 00:59:12.200
Take care. Safe home. Good night.