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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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WOMAN: Ladies and gentlemen,
give it up for Ryan Conner.
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
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I grew up kind of near here.
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I actually have a huge
and multiracial family.
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I have 11 brothers.
Here's how that happened.
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So my parents got divorced
when I was two.
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My mom and stepdad
have been together since I was four.
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My stepdad's Black.
I have two Black stepbrothers,
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four adopted brothers
who are Black,
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two Vietnamese brothers,
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one Chinese brother,
and two white brothers.
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And I am right in the middle,
age-wise.
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Like, picture
a college brochure.
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- That's pretty much what it is.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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Like, you see my family photo,
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your first thought's like,
"Yeah, I go there."
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"It's a...
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"It's a good school, you know,
state school, affordable. Okay."
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[CHUCKLES]
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Since we grew up together,
no one has any racial stereotypes.
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It always takes me a minute
to get them.
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Like one time a guy told me
what I now know is a racist joke.
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At the time, I just thought
it was an earnest question.
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He goes, "There's a Black guy,
a Hispanic guy, and an Asian guy in the back of a car.
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"Who's driving?"
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I was like, "My mom?
I don't know."
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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"You got to give me
more information, man. When was this?
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I was like, "Tuesday is
our soccer practice.
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"Like, is that...
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"Like, if you need a ride,
just say you need a ride, man.
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"Like, we don't need riddles.
I don't know why you're doing this."
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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"Just be ready at 6:00.
No cleats in the van."
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Also, whenever I have
to guess stereotypes, I'm always off.
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Because I just base them
on my brothers' behavior.
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Like, one time,
a comic friend was writing
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what was probably gonna be
a horrible joke.
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And he was like, "Hey, dude,
I need a Chinese stereotype.
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"You have a Chinese brother,
right?"
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I was like, "Yeah, man.
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"Chinese people eat
all the deviled eggs at Thanksgiving."
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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And he's like,
"That might be too specific."
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I was like, "Then you should
not have asked me, then. I don't know."
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I grew up in a predominantly
Black neighborhood.
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I didn't have
any white friends at all till I got to college.
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So it wasn't until then
that I found out
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that everyone doesn't
cover their bodies in lotion two to three times a day.
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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Like, that's how I was raised.
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Like, my mentality was like,
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we might not agree
on everything,
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but we're all
fighting the war on ashiness.
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- Like...
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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[LAUGHING] That's the one thing
we've got as Americans.
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So then,
my freshman year at college, I'm in my dorm room.
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It's me and five other
white guys I just met.
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We're playing Madden,
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and I paused the game
to put cocoa butter on my elbows.
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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As soon as I hit
the pump on the cocoa butter,
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they just look at me like,
"Is he about to jack off right now?"
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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They're like,
"I love defense, too,
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"but I'm not in love
with defense."
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And I can tell
they're looking at me weird, but I don't know why.
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- So I offer them some.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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And they were just like,
"I didn't know it was that kind of party, um..."
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Well, then I start
putting it on my elbows and they're like,
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"You can put dick sauce
on your arms?"
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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So, we all learned something
that day.
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I just flew in,
couple nights ago.
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Middle of my flight,
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the guy directly in front of me
starts panicking
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because he thought
he was having a heart attack.
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- It ended up being indigestion.
He's fine. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
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But the flight attendant
announced,
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"We have a medical emergency.
Is there a doctor on board?"
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The woman behind me
stood up and goes,
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"My husband's a chiropractor."
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
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I don't know if you've ever seen
200 people laugh hysterically
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while a man thinks he's dying.
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It's incredible.
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Even the guy who thought
he was having a heart attack
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was laughing his ass off.
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He's like," Yeah,
my heart's exploding.
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"Come crack my back, please."
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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Like, I...
I bet if someone else was like,
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"Well, I once played Operation."
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He'd have been like,
"Then get in here."
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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I really felt for him.
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It's got to be so embarrassing
to think you're gonna die
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and tell everyone
you're gonna die,
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and then you just
burp a couple of times.
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- You're like, "No, I'm fine.
I'm good, actually." - [LAUGHING]
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CONNER: And then you just
sit on the same plane
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with them
for another four hours.
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I know the feeling because
a couple years ago,
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I almost died in the most
ridiculous way possible.
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All right, don't worry.
I made it. I'm fine.
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- Uh...
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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"Okay? So, then did he die?"
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No, I didn't. [LAUGHS]
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So here's what happened.
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I get taken to the hospital
in an ambulance.
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Everyone thinks
I'm having a stroke.
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They do hours of tests on me.
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And then the doctor comes
into my room and goes,
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"Quick. He has
dangerously low potassium."
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I was like,
"Are you fucking kidding me?
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"Am I about to die
of a banana deficiency?"
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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"Or am I just going to have
the lamest survivor story in history?" [LAUGHS]
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Because it's not respectable.
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Like, half of my friends
are veterans,
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and I can just see myself
trying to relate to them.
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We're hanging out like,
"Yeah, we're flying this helicopter over Fallujah.
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"And these RPGs are flying at us
from every angle."
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And I'm like, "Hey, let me
stop you there, man. Uh...
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"That reminds me of this time
I totally spaced and forgot to eat bananas."
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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"Guys like us. You know
what I'm saying?" [CHUCKLES]
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"A little too close
to the edge at times, right?"
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[CHUCKLES] So they gave me
a potassium drip.
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Had me drink these two,
like, effervescent tablets.
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I was fine in an hour, okay?
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So I was like, "Okay,
this can't cost more than $4, right?"
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- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
- [SIGHS]
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Because, I mean,
it can't because
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number two
at Jamba Juice is $6.99,
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and that's the same thing
but it's delicious.
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so this can't be more than $4.
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I get the bill
a couple months later.
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$9,000 after insurance,
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- WOMAN 1: Wow.
- WOMAN 2: Oh, my God.
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$9,000 for liquid bananas.
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For $9,000,
you can buy every banana on the planet, okay?
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So I called up my insurance.
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I was like,
"Dude, how was this $9,000?"
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They were like,
"Well, it's 'cause you almost died out-of-network."
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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I was like, "So the next time
I almost die,
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"I just need to check
to make sure I'm in-network."
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He's like, "Basically."
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I said, "Does anyone
ever not pay their bill?"
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And he's like, "All the time."
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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I said, "I'm glad
you're used to it then.
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"Then mark me down
for never going to pay, all right?
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"I'll drop off some bananas
if you want, but that's..." [LAUGHS]
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"I'll pay you in potassium."
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But the thing is,
I knew from the beginning
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that the insurance people
didn't respect me,
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because when I called
to file a claim,
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the guy goes, "Sir,
can you please confirm your Member ID?"
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And then he goes,
"One number at a time."
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I was like, "Yeah, man,
that's how I say numbers. Like...
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"How did you think I was going
to approach an 11-digit number?"
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The only thing I can think of
is there's a note on my account that's like,
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"This guy is gonna try
to say them all at once, all right?"
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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"You got to step in there,
cut him off at the pass."
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What the hell did he think
I was gonna do?
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Like, I was gonna
read it like a word?
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Or like I was some person
who would read a member...
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Oh, yeah, my Member ID is, uh,
13 billion, 891 million,
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612 thousand, 140 C.
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I didn't even know C
was a...
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Wait, I got the commas wrong.
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138 billion, 2...
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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So I was in band
from elementary school all the way through college.
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I don't know if any of you guys
are also really cool.
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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Here's the irony of band,
is that
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everyone in the world
loves music,
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but no one likes it
if it's sanctioned by a school.
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Like, no one's ever been like,
"Hey, what's your favorite band?
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"Radiohead?
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"Oh, mine's the school."
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00:09:00,165 --> 00:09:02,000
"My favorite song?
Oh, it's, uh...
189
00:09:02,042 --> 00:09:03,460
"It's that one they play
during time-outs.
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00:09:03,502 --> 00:09:06,296
"It's got that, uh, tuba solo
you can fuck to.
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"It's a..."
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Here's what...
Okay, here's the deal.
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Every school program
does fundraisers, right?
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For band, in high school,
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00:09:15,138 --> 00:09:17,641
we sold onions door-to-door.
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00:09:17,683 --> 00:09:19,184
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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00:09:19,226 --> 00:09:23,230
Do you know how little
the school has to think of you
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00:09:23,272 --> 00:09:28,443
to make you sell onions
door-to-door in your own community?
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I don't know
if there was a draft or something.
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Because football sold pizza,
basketball sold cookies,
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00:09:35,284 --> 00:09:37,286
and I guess eventually
they were like,
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"Hey, band. Uh, we're down
to onions and cemetery plots. What do you guys think?"
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00:09:41,748 --> 00:09:45,711
[LAUGHING] We're like,
"Well, of the two, I guess we're going onions."
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They're like,
"All right, uh, sewing club,
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00:09:47,171 --> 00:09:48,881
"find out who wants to get
buried on school grounds."
206
00:09:48,922 --> 00:09:50,340
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
207
00:09:50,382 --> 00:09:51,884
So here is the deal.
208
00:09:51,925 --> 00:09:54,136
The minimum order...
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00:09:54,178 --> 00:09:57,806
The minimum order
was 30 onions for $30.
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00:09:59,558 --> 00:10:03,228
30 onions at the same time.
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00:10:03,270 --> 00:10:05,647
Not spread over two decades.
This is...
212
00:10:07,900 --> 00:10:10,569
It's just one day,
we don't know when
213
00:10:10,611 --> 00:10:15,199
a truck will show up
and fill your house with onions.
214
00:10:19,745 --> 00:10:24,583
The average human
eats 30 onions in six lifetimes, like...
215
00:10:24,625 --> 00:10:28,212
Like, the only way you need
30 onions on the same day
216
00:10:28,253 --> 00:10:30,422
is if you own
more than one Outback.
217
00:10:30,464 --> 00:10:32,257
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
218
00:10:34,510 --> 00:10:39,765
And then for an extra $10,
they throw in 4 pounds of garlic.
219
00:10:39,806 --> 00:10:42,518
Which, I don't know
if you know what 4 pounds of garlic looks like,
220
00:10:42,559 --> 00:10:45,812
but garlic weighs
slightly less than air.
221
00:10:45,854 --> 00:10:46,813
All right?
222
00:10:49,733 --> 00:10:52,361
So then,
they sent in a sales guy,
223
00:10:52,402 --> 00:10:54,488
which, you know, they didn't
have to do for pizza.
224
00:10:54,530 --> 00:10:56,490
And the sales guy was like,
225
00:10:56,532 --> 00:10:58,325
"Just so you guys know,
226
00:10:58,367 --> 00:11:02,538
"these Vidalia onions
are so sweet, you can eat 'em like an apple."
227
00:11:02,579 --> 00:11:05,415
It's just like,
"Get the fuck out of here."
228
00:11:05,457 --> 00:11:08,293
If I see someone
eating an onion like an apple,
229
00:11:08,335 --> 00:11:09,753
I'm calling the FBI.
230
00:11:11,338 --> 00:11:14,925
Like, that is
a tip of the iceberg situation,
231
00:11:14,967 --> 00:11:18,303
where he's like, "FBI,
I found the guy who did everything,
232
00:11:18,345 --> 00:11:20,806
"especially the weird stuff."
233
00:11:20,848 --> 00:11:22,391
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
234
00:11:22,432 --> 00:11:26,144
I still can't figure out
how this program existed.
235
00:11:26,186 --> 00:11:27,896
Like, I don't know.
The only thing I think of, it was like
236
00:11:27,938 --> 00:11:31,942
there was some farmer
who accidentally grew 2 million extra onions,
237
00:11:31,984 --> 00:11:33,610
and he's like,
"How do I get rid of these?"
238
00:11:33,652 --> 00:11:35,445
And he knows the principal.
And the principal is like,
239
00:11:35,487 --> 00:11:37,531
"Hey, I know a group of kids
who just want to be part of something."
240
00:11:37,573 --> 00:11:38,824
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
241
00:11:38,866 --> 00:11:40,868
"Just happy to be involved."
[LAUGHS]
242
00:11:42,578 --> 00:11:45,539
So, uh, I've been married
for eight years now.
243
00:11:45,581 --> 00:11:46,957
- [AUDIENCE CLAPPING]
- Oh.
244
00:11:46,999 --> 00:11:48,834
Thank you to a couple people.
Thank you.
245
00:11:50,919 --> 00:11:52,379
The first one was two years.
246
00:11:52,421 --> 00:11:53,839
The second one was six, uh...
247
00:11:54,673 --> 00:11:56,049
I combined my stats.
248
00:11:56,091 --> 00:11:57,885
My career total's eight years.
249
00:11:59,636 --> 00:12:03,098
I got two rings
is the way I look at it. That's the positive spin.
250
00:12:03,140 --> 00:12:04,850
Olajuwon numbers,
you know what I mean?
251
00:12:04,892 --> 00:12:06,143
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
- [CHUCKLES]
252
00:12:06,935 --> 00:12:08,520
So I am double divorced.
253
00:12:08,562 --> 00:12:11,523
Uh, so on one hand,
whoops. Uh...
254
00:12:12,232 --> 00:12:13,692
At the same time,
255
00:12:13,734 --> 00:12:16,904
if you get one divorce,
you are gonna want another one,
256
00:12:16,945 --> 00:12:18,864
all right?
257
00:12:18,906 --> 00:12:23,785
Otherwise, you're gonna
be chasing that high for the rest of your life.
258
00:12:23,827 --> 00:12:27,414
Like a retired astronaut
just staring at the moon every night, like,
259
00:12:27,456 --> 00:12:28,624
"How do I get back there?"
260
00:12:29,833 --> 00:12:30,918
[CHUCKLES]
261
00:12:32,169 --> 00:12:33,962
Yeah, if you haven't
had a divorce,
262
00:12:34,004 --> 00:12:36,381
highly recommend it, just...
263
00:12:36,423 --> 00:12:38,008
It's the... It's the best
thing in the world.
264
00:12:38,050 --> 00:12:39,718
Unless you don't want one,
they definitely don't.
265
00:12:39,760 --> 00:12:41,845
It's... [CHUCKLES]
It's horrible, if you don't want it, though.
266
00:12:43,347 --> 00:12:46,058
The first one, the day we split,
267
00:12:46,099 --> 00:12:47,809
uh, we're just ecstatic.
268
00:12:47,851 --> 00:12:49,186
We go separate ways.
269
00:12:49,228 --> 00:12:51,355
I get on the highway
and I'm just driving,
270
00:12:51,396 --> 00:12:54,399
just giddy driving,
nowhere in particular.
271
00:12:54,441 --> 00:12:59,029
I get pulled over,
going 98 in a 55.
272
00:12:59,071 --> 00:13:03,283
And I'm so happy,
I don't even understand what's happening.
273
00:13:03,325 --> 00:13:05,869
The cop comes up to my window.
274
00:13:05,911 --> 00:13:09,081
He's, like, nervous, you know,
and he's, like, hand on his hip.
275
00:13:09,122 --> 00:13:11,208
And he's like,
"What's going on?"
276
00:13:11,250 --> 00:13:14,211
And I just turned around,
just smiling, like, "Hello."
277
00:13:14,253 --> 00:13:15,379
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
278
00:13:15,420 --> 00:13:18,715
And he's like,
"This guy is crazy, okay."
279
00:13:18,757 --> 00:13:22,010
He was like,
"Do you have any idea how fast you were going?"
280
00:13:22,052 --> 00:13:23,470
And I was like...
[ENTHUSIASTICALLY] "How fast was it?"
281
00:13:23,512 --> 00:13:25,722
Like it was Price Is Right
or some shit.
282
00:13:26,849 --> 00:13:28,559
And he was like,
"You were going 98."
283
00:13:28,600 --> 00:13:30,352
And I was like,
"That's really fast."
284
00:13:30,394 --> 00:13:32,896
And he's like,
"What is happening right now?"
285
00:13:34,273 --> 00:13:36,608
[LAUGHING] And I said,
"Well, to tell the truth,
286
00:13:36,650 --> 00:13:40,737
"my wife and I just split,
and it was the worst marriage on Earth."
287
00:13:40,779 --> 00:13:43,448
He slowly lowers his glasses
and goes,
288
00:13:43,490 --> 00:13:44,867
"Hell, yeah, brother."
289
00:13:44,908 --> 00:13:46,785
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
290
00:13:46,827 --> 00:13:49,997
Shook my hand,
told me to have a good weekend.
291
00:13:50,038 --> 00:13:52,499
He goes back
and gets in his car.
292
00:13:52,541 --> 00:13:54,084
And then I'm looking
at my rearview mirror,
293
00:13:54,126 --> 00:13:56,712
I see him start to walk
towards me, and I'm like, "Ugh,
294
00:13:56,753 --> 00:13:59,840
"he must be required to give me
a ticket If he pulled me over."
295
00:13:59,882 --> 00:14:01,300
Comes to me,
bends down as he goes,
296
00:14:01,341 --> 00:14:02,551
"Hey, man,
I just wanna let you know.
297
00:14:02,593 --> 00:14:04,678
"There's a speed trap
at Exit 2. Look out."
298
00:14:04,720 --> 00:14:06,305
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
299
00:14:07,890 --> 00:14:10,392
Well, that guy's had
at least four divorces. [LAUGHS]
300
00:14:11,643 --> 00:14:13,061
That was a veteran move.
301
00:14:15,105 --> 00:14:16,064
[CHUCKLES]
302
00:14:17,566 --> 00:14:18,734
Nothing wrong
with being married.
303
00:14:18,775 --> 00:14:21,111
I'm like...
I'm for it, uh, in general.
304
00:14:21,153 --> 00:14:25,073
I probably would not
marry my ex-wives again, but I'm open to it in general.
305
00:14:25,115 --> 00:14:26,909
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
- Um...
306
00:14:27,618 --> 00:14:29,411
Yeah.
307
00:14:29,453 --> 00:14:32,206
Only... The only thing
I don't really like about it is wearing a ring.
308
00:14:32,247 --> 00:14:34,041
I did it because you do that.
309
00:14:34,082 --> 00:14:36,293
But it was just
never comfortable.
310
00:14:36,335 --> 00:14:39,922
And then I can't understand why
311
00:14:39,963 --> 00:14:42,049
humans fell for
the wedding ring.
312
00:14:42,090 --> 00:14:43,342
Like, centuries ago.
313
00:14:43,383 --> 00:14:45,761
It's just... It's bizarre.
314
00:14:45,802 --> 00:14:47,513
There was
a great sales pitch, though.
315
00:14:47,554 --> 00:14:49,765
Whoever came up with it
was like, "You know, it's...
316
00:14:49,806 --> 00:14:54,311
"The shape is endless,
so it represents your love for each other.
317
00:14:54,353 --> 00:14:56,980
"It's... It's never-ending."
318
00:14:57,022 --> 00:15:00,192
It's like, "Yeah, that,
or it's the one shape that won't fall off a finger.
319
00:15:00,234 --> 00:15:01,944
"What makes more sense there?"
320
00:15:01,985 --> 00:15:03,654
Like, you know what other
shapes are endless?
321
00:15:04,238 --> 00:15:05,948
All of them.
322
00:15:05,989 --> 00:15:09,743
That is the definition
of a shape, all right?
323
00:15:09,785 --> 00:15:11,828
If it's not endless,
it's called a line.
324
00:15:11,870 --> 00:15:14,164
All right? [CHUCKLES]
325
00:15:14,206 --> 00:15:17,960
You know what else is endless?
Olive Garden breadsticks.
326
00:15:18,001 --> 00:15:19,837
But no one ever gets married,
327
00:15:19,878 --> 00:15:21,880
and they're like, "Yeah,
now hold these breadsticks till one of you dies.
328
00:15:21,922 --> 00:15:23,882
[LAUGHING]
329
00:15:26,009 --> 00:15:27,719
So about three months ago,
330
00:15:27,761 --> 00:15:30,138
I got a Facebook invite
for an orgy.
331
00:15:30,931 --> 00:15:32,474
Which... Yeah.
332
00:15:32,516 --> 00:15:35,143
First of all, I didn't know
you could do that on Facebook.
333
00:15:35,185 --> 00:15:39,898
Uh, secondly,
nothing about me suggests I'd be an asset to group sex.
334
00:15:39,940 --> 00:15:41,316
[LAUGHING]
335
00:15:41,358 --> 00:15:43,735
Like, I'm more of a group
bowling kind of guy.
336
00:15:45,404 --> 00:15:47,531
Also like, I... I mean,
337
00:15:47,573 --> 00:15:50,200
I can't even handle
dirty talk. Like, I...
338
00:15:50,242 --> 00:15:52,619
Like women didn't talk
to me till I was 21,
339
00:15:52,661 --> 00:15:54,496
so the only thing I ever wanna
say during sex is like,
340
00:15:54,538 --> 00:15:56,623
"Thank you. Thank you so much."
341
00:15:56,665 --> 00:15:58,208
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
342
00:15:58,250 --> 00:16:00,419
"It's swell of you
to be here, ma'am." Like... [CHUCKLES]
343
00:16:02,504 --> 00:16:04,798
I don't wanna say anything
that could jeopardize her attendance.
344
00:16:04,840 --> 00:16:07,050
You know what I'm saying?
345
00:16:07,092 --> 00:16:10,637
Like, I dated someone
who wanted me to insult her.
346
00:16:10,679 --> 00:16:12,681
And I was like,
"You have no idea how far beyond
347
00:16:12,723 --> 00:16:14,850
- "my capabilities that is."
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
348
00:16:15,976 --> 00:16:17,102
Like... [CHUCKLES]
349
00:16:18,312 --> 00:16:21,023
But I... I gave it a shot.
350
00:16:21,064 --> 00:16:23,817
But I forgot to ask
for the parameters for the insults,
351
00:16:25,110 --> 00:16:27,446
which is vital information.
352
00:16:27,487 --> 00:16:29,114
I was like, "She's an economist.
353
00:16:29,156 --> 00:16:31,742
"I'll work with that."
Like... Like I treated it like a roast,
354
00:16:31,783 --> 00:16:35,245
which is apparently
not what you do. [LAUGHS]
355
00:16:35,287 --> 00:16:38,332
So we're in the moment,
and then I just go,
356
00:16:38,373 --> 00:16:41,001
"You didn't see the housing
bubble coming, you dumbass."
357
00:16:41,043 --> 00:16:42,461
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
358
00:16:43,629 --> 00:16:45,964
She was like,
"Not like that, please."
359
00:16:47,841 --> 00:16:50,636
I was like, "All right,
you trickle-down economics dipshit."
360
00:16:50,677 --> 00:16:52,012
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
361
00:16:52,054 --> 00:16:54,515
[LAUGHS] She was like,
"Can we stop forever?"
362
00:16:54,556 --> 00:16:56,725
I said, "Thank you very much.
I would love that."
363
00:16:57,935 --> 00:16:59,102
[LAUGHS]
364
00:16:59,144 --> 00:17:01,772
So... So back to the orgy.
365
00:17:01,813 --> 00:17:03,357
The woman who invited me,
366
00:17:03,398 --> 00:17:06,735
I only knew her
from one previous interaction.
367
00:17:06,777 --> 00:17:09,530
Ten years ago,
she booked me to perform
368
00:17:09,571 --> 00:17:13,242
- on a benefit
for the Make-A-Wish Foundation. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
369
00:17:13,283 --> 00:17:16,745
Yes. So, I'm just looking
at this invite, wondering,
370
00:17:16,787 --> 00:17:19,581
"Is this a Make-A-Wish
affiliated orgy?"
371
00:17:19,623 --> 00:17:21,708
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
372
00:17:21,750 --> 00:17:25,879
Like, is there some kid
who's like, "I'm not going out until I see one, all right?
373
00:17:27,631 --> 00:17:29,883
"Put it together.
I read the by-laws, all right?
374
00:17:29,925 --> 00:17:31,468
"A wish is a wish."
375
00:17:32,052 --> 00:17:33,887
[LAUGHING]
376
00:17:33,929 --> 00:17:36,056
At this point I'm like,
"I owe it to this... You know?"
377
00:17:36,098 --> 00:17:38,976
Yeah. So I clicked
interested, um...
378
00:17:39,017 --> 00:17:41,270
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
379
00:17:41,311 --> 00:17:44,273
I did it for two reasons,
one it is interesting.
380
00:17:44,314 --> 00:17:47,359
Uh, two, I felt like I had to.
381
00:17:47,401 --> 00:17:49,278
She only invited 20 people.
382
00:17:50,404 --> 00:17:52,197
Do you know how bold that is?
383
00:17:52,239 --> 00:17:56,368
Half the people you invite
to weddings don't show up.
384
00:17:56,410 --> 00:17:58,620
Like, so I'm thinking
to get a decent numbers for an orgy,
385
00:17:58,662 --> 00:18:01,748
you have to invite
at least 40 to 50,000 people.
386
00:18:04,001 --> 00:18:05,711
You invite 20 people,
you're gonna get
387
00:18:05,752 --> 00:18:07,337
three dudes sitting
in the kitchen like,
388
00:18:07,379 --> 00:18:08,964
"What do we fuck?
I have no idea."
389
00:18:09,006 --> 00:18:10,674
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
390
00:18:10,716 --> 00:18:14,011
"You wanna do the couch,
I'll do the pillows. Like, I don't know."
391
00:18:14,052 --> 00:18:16,180
Eventually, someone's like,
"They've got Risk in the closet.
392
00:18:16,221 --> 00:18:18,223
"You wanna fuck that up?"
393
00:18:18,265 --> 00:18:21,685
It eventually just turns
into a board game night.
394
00:18:21,727 --> 00:18:26,356
So I did not realize that
if you click "going" or "interested,"
395
00:18:26,398 --> 00:18:29,318
- it shows up in your feed.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
396
00:18:31,987 --> 00:18:35,407
The next day,
I get a notification
397
00:18:35,449 --> 00:18:39,703
that my mom commented
on the event.
398
00:18:41,830 --> 00:18:45,167
Every organ
in my body shut down.
399
00:18:45,209 --> 00:18:47,419
It felt like my bananas
were acting up again.
400
00:18:47,461 --> 00:18:49,796
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
- [RYAN LAUGHS]
401
00:18:51,089 --> 00:18:53,258
I was like,
"It's one of two nightmares,
402
00:18:53,300 --> 00:18:56,470
"either my mom thinks
I'm an orgy guy or much worse,
403
00:18:56,512 --> 00:18:59,056
"my mom is also invited
to this orgy."
404
00:18:59,097 --> 00:19:01,767
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
405
00:19:01,808 --> 00:19:04,853
It takes me a couple of minutes
to work up the courage
406
00:19:04,895 --> 00:19:06,939
to click on her comment.
407
00:19:06,980 --> 00:19:10,609
All it said was, "Hey, Ryan.
Just wondering when you're coming home for Christmas.
408
00:19:10,651 --> 00:19:11,652
"Let me know."
409
00:19:13,654 --> 00:19:17,783
I still have no idea
if she was fucking with me,
410
00:19:19,326 --> 00:19:22,454
if she doesn't understand
how Facebook works,
411
00:19:22,496 --> 00:19:25,916
or if she was like,
"You know, I never know what to get him for Christmas.
412
00:19:25,958 --> 00:19:28,335
"And apparently he likes
these 'or-gi' things,
413
00:19:28,377 --> 00:19:32,214
"so I'll just see if they
have them on Amazon. I don't know."
414
00:19:32,256 --> 00:19:34,550
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
415
00:19:34,591 --> 00:19:36,677
[RYAN LAUGHS]
416
00:19:36,718 --> 00:19:38,804
I was back home
a couple of years ago.
417
00:19:38,846 --> 00:19:41,765
One of my brothers
still lives with my parents.
418
00:19:41,807 --> 00:19:43,058
He's younger than me
and he's gay.
419
00:19:43,100 --> 00:19:44,768
That's gonna matter in a moment.
420
00:19:44,810 --> 00:19:47,688
- Uh... [LAUGHS]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
421
00:19:47,729 --> 00:19:50,107
So I get in late
the night before.
422
00:19:50,148 --> 00:19:51,608
He doesn't know I'm there.
423
00:19:51,650 --> 00:19:54,236
It's the next morning,
like 8:30,
424
00:19:54,278 --> 00:19:56,738
and our parents go to work.
425
00:19:56,780 --> 00:19:58,740
It's just me
and my brother in the house.
426
00:19:58,782 --> 00:20:00,576
I hear him open the door.
427
00:20:00,617 --> 00:20:03,412
Three other guys are
directly above me.
428
00:20:03,453 --> 00:20:05,747
They're talking
for a minute, all right?
429
00:20:05,789 --> 00:20:08,876
And then all of a sudden,
I hear music start blasting,
430
00:20:08,917 --> 00:20:11,420
and then I hear nothing
but like thumping
431
00:20:12,671 --> 00:20:13,714
and grunting
432
00:20:15,007 --> 00:20:18,343
and like rhythmic skin slaps.
433
00:20:18,385 --> 00:20:21,638
And I'm like, "Oh, no!
I know what this sound is,
434
00:20:21,680 --> 00:20:23,599
"because I've accidentally
clicked on it before."
435
00:20:23,640 --> 00:20:26,185
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
436
00:20:26,226 --> 00:20:28,312
Tiny thumbnails.
Don't use your phone.
437
00:20:28,353 --> 00:20:29,313
Um...
438
00:20:30,564 --> 00:20:32,316
And I want it to stop.
439
00:20:32,357 --> 00:20:35,903
But the liberal in me is like,
"Is it homophobic to ask him to stop?"
440
00:20:37,196 --> 00:20:39,364
But like, of course,
it's not homophobic
441
00:20:39,406 --> 00:20:41,658
to not wanna hear
your brother have an orgy.
442
00:20:41,700 --> 00:20:43,493
Like, no one should want
443
00:20:43,535 --> 00:20:46,496
to hear their sibling
have an orgy.
444
00:20:46,538 --> 00:20:48,665
But in the same time,
like how do I stop it?
445
00:20:48,707 --> 00:20:50,542
It's not like I can walk in
and be like,
446
00:20:50,584 --> 00:20:52,419
"Hey, could you stop
fucking my brother so loud?"
447
00:20:52,461 --> 00:20:55,088
Like, it's gonna ruin
everybody's week.
448
00:20:55,130 --> 00:20:56,507
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
449
00:20:56,548 --> 00:20:58,425
So I'm like, "I'm just gonna be
the cool big brother
450
00:20:58,467 --> 00:21:00,886
"and wait it out." You know?
451
00:21:00,928 --> 00:21:04,097
'Cause I'm like, "After all,
how long could this last?"
452
00:21:04,139 --> 00:21:08,018
95 minutes is
the answer. [LAUGHS]
453
00:21:09,311 --> 00:21:11,563
So credit where credit is due.
454
00:21:11,605 --> 00:21:13,649
Good job, fellas. Well done.
455
00:21:14,608 --> 00:21:15,776
You delivered.
456
00:21:16,985 --> 00:21:18,987
Once the music stops,
457
00:21:19,029 --> 00:21:22,783
I give it, like,
another ten minutes for the dust to settle. [LAUGHS]
458
00:21:22,824 --> 00:21:24,535
Whatever that is.
459
00:21:24,576 --> 00:21:26,578
You know when you walked
into a room right after someone's had sex,
460
00:21:26,620 --> 00:21:29,122
and you're like,
"What is in the..." [COUGHS]
461
00:21:29,164 --> 00:21:31,875
Like the air is haunted
by sperm ghosts or something.
462
00:21:31,917 --> 00:21:34,503
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
463
00:21:34,545 --> 00:21:37,881
So I wait those 10 minutes,
and I walk upstairs.
464
00:21:39,341 --> 00:21:40,926
Cautiously open the door.
465
00:21:40,968 --> 00:21:45,889
Here's my proof.
Four guys, shirtless, glistening with sweat.
466
00:21:45,931 --> 00:21:48,350
One guy is wearing a fedora,
which is never necessary.
467
00:21:48,392 --> 00:21:49,893
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
468
00:21:51,103 --> 00:21:52,479
My brother turns and sees me.
469
00:21:52,521 --> 00:21:55,399
He's like, "Oh, my gosh!
I am so sorry.
470
00:21:55,440 --> 00:21:57,651
"I had no idea you were here."
471
00:21:57,693 --> 00:22:00,571
And I was like,
"Oh, no, man. It's cool.
472
00:22:00,612 --> 00:22:03,991
"I'm, like, real laidback
about this stuff, you know.
473
00:22:04,032 --> 00:22:07,077
"You guys can keep going
if you want, you know...
474
00:22:07,119 --> 00:22:08,829
"I'm really progressive
and whatnot.
475
00:22:08,871 --> 00:22:11,540
"Uh... I'm just gonna get
some waffles,
476
00:22:11,582 --> 00:22:13,584
"and then go downstairs
and puncture my eardrums."
477
00:22:13,625 --> 00:22:15,169
- Um...
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
478
00:22:15,210 --> 00:22:19,423
[LAUGHS] And he goes,
"I'm so glad you're not mad.
479
00:22:19,464 --> 00:22:21,300
"If I'd known, we would've
done it outside.
480
00:22:21,341 --> 00:22:24,052
"But we were just having
a dance rehearsal."
481
00:22:24,094 --> 00:22:28,640
And I was like,
"Oh, the only thing gayer than an orgy. All right."
482
00:22:28,682 --> 00:22:31,268
- [LAUGHING]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
483
00:22:31,310 --> 00:22:34,354
And I told him I was like,
"Man, I was way more comfortable
484
00:22:34,396 --> 00:22:35,772
"when I thought you were
fucking each other."
485
00:22:37,274 --> 00:22:39,443
I was like, "I understand
why people have sex,
486
00:22:39,484 --> 00:22:41,111
"but I can't figure out
for the life of me,
487
00:22:41,153 --> 00:22:46,116
"why four 20-year-olds
had a dance rehearsal at 8:30 a.m."
488
00:22:46,158 --> 00:22:48,911
Like, if I had known
you were dancing the whole time,
489
00:22:48,952 --> 00:22:53,165
I would've barged
in immediately, just like, "Cut this shit out.
490
00:22:53,207 --> 00:22:55,584
"This is not how
you were raised, all right?
491
00:22:55,626 --> 00:22:57,961
"Now start fucking each other
or something, all right?"
492
00:23:01,215 --> 00:23:03,759
Several years ago,
I did shows in China.
493
00:23:03,800 --> 00:23:07,054
There's a lot of, like,
English speaking expats there.
494
00:23:07,095 --> 00:23:10,849
and before I went,
I was like, "I don't wanna be the stereotype of the, like,
495
00:23:10,891 --> 00:23:13,936
"arrogant, ignorant American,
who goes to another country
496
00:23:13,977 --> 00:23:15,604
"and doesn't speak
any of the language."
497
00:23:15,646 --> 00:23:17,731
So I was like, "Let me learn
Chinese real quick."
498
00:23:17,773 --> 00:23:19,566
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
- [RYAN CHUCKLES]
499
00:23:19,608 --> 00:23:23,820
Which is the most
like arrogant and ignorant thing anyone has ever thought.
500
00:23:25,364 --> 00:23:27,282
I studied Mandarin
for several weeks.
501
00:23:27,324 --> 00:23:30,619
At the end of that time,
the only phrase I could say was,
502
00:23:30,661 --> 00:23:33,205
"The man rides a horse."
503
00:23:33,247 --> 00:23:35,457
That was it.
Not the most useful phrase.
504
00:23:35,499 --> 00:23:37,125
I don't think
I've ever said it in English,
505
00:23:37,167 --> 00:23:39,378
except in this moment. [LAUGHS]
506
00:23:39,419 --> 00:23:41,547
Like there's no scenario
where it's gonna come up,
507
00:23:41,588 --> 00:23:44,424
like I'm just gonna attend
an equestrian event.
508
00:23:44,466 --> 00:23:48,053
I'm next to a guy who, like,
just got out of a coma
509
00:23:48,095 --> 00:23:52,516
that he's been in ever since
before horses came out.
510
00:23:52,558 --> 00:23:54,226
And he's like, "Hey, man,
what does the man ride?"
511
00:23:54,268 --> 00:23:56,353
I'm like, "Uh, the man rides
a horse, actually.
512
00:23:57,396 --> 00:23:58,730
"It was Chapter 2.
513
00:23:58,772 --> 00:24:00,399
"I'm surprised you didn't..."
514
00:24:00,440 --> 00:24:01,817
So, I was like, "I give up.
515
00:24:01,859 --> 00:24:04,444
"I'm not smart enough to learn
this language." [LAUGHS]
516
00:24:04,486 --> 00:24:07,656
So I was like, as long as
I can say, "Thank you," I'm fine.
517
00:24:07,698 --> 00:24:10,659
So I go to China,
I'm just saying "thank you" nonstop.
518
00:24:10,701 --> 00:24:12,703
Left and right, just,
"Thank you, thank you, thank you."
519
00:24:12,744 --> 00:24:16,164
[LAUGHS] After several hours,
my translator goes,
520
00:24:16,206 --> 00:24:20,586
"Hey, Ryan, um, you know,
uh, when you think you're saying thank you,
521
00:24:20,627 --> 00:24:22,462
"you're actually saying
'smoking'?"
522
00:24:22,504 --> 00:24:26,008
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
523
00:24:26,049 --> 00:24:27,759
I was like, "Why did you start
that sentence with 'you know'?"
524
00:24:27,801 --> 00:24:31,471
[LAUGHS] I obviously
did not know that.
525
00:24:31,513 --> 00:24:35,517
I would not consciously
be getting change back and then going, "Smoking?"
526
00:24:35,559 --> 00:24:37,352
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
527
00:24:40,564 --> 00:24:42,107
So I was like,
"What am I saying?"
528
00:24:42,149 --> 00:24:43,609
And he was like,
"You're saying 'shi-shi.'"
529
00:24:43,650 --> 00:24:45,777
And I said, "What should
I be saying?"
530
00:24:45,819 --> 00:24:48,363
He's like, "Shi-shien."
And I'm like, "Well, fuck me. That sounds exactly the same."
531
00:24:48,405 --> 00:24:51,366
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
532
00:24:51,408 --> 00:24:54,077
So then he teaches me,
and then he's like, "Oh, you're saying it perfectly.
533
00:24:54,119 --> 00:24:55,662
"That's perfect."
534
00:24:55,704 --> 00:24:57,539
So then I'm doing it
for a couple of days, right?
535
00:24:57,581 --> 00:25:00,918
And then he finally stops me
and goes, "Hey, Ryan, um..."
536
00:25:00,959 --> 00:25:03,295
And I'm like, "Smoking again?"
He goes, "No, much worse."
537
00:25:03,337 --> 00:25:05,130
Uh...
538
00:25:05,172 --> 00:25:07,090
He's like, "Now,
instead of saying 'thank you,'
539
00:25:07,132 --> 00:25:09,426
"you're actually saying
a woman's name."
540
00:25:09,468 --> 00:25:10,636
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
541
00:25:10,677 --> 00:25:14,014
That's significantly
creepier than smoking.
542
00:25:14,056 --> 00:25:15,933
Just imagine I'm doing
a transaction.
543
00:25:15,974 --> 00:25:18,477
I buy something
and then I just go, "Stephanie?"
544
00:25:18,519 --> 00:25:20,270
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
545
00:25:21,522 --> 00:25:23,023
You're like, "No."
546
00:25:24,775 --> 00:25:26,777
Or it's much weirder
if it's "yes."
547
00:25:26,818 --> 00:25:29,780
'Cause then like,
"What kind of scavenger hunt are you playing?
548
00:25:29,821 --> 00:25:31,698
"Am I safe right now?"
549
00:25:32,407 --> 00:25:33,534
[LAUGHS]
550
00:25:36,787 --> 00:25:39,581
It was funny, man.
Like, there's so many American expats.
551
00:25:39,623 --> 00:25:40,999
I hung out
with this one guy one night.
552
00:25:41,041 --> 00:25:42,709
He was out of his mind.
553
00:25:42,751 --> 00:25:44,086
He lived in China and Shanghai
554
00:25:44,127 --> 00:25:45,671
for like nine years
at this point.
555
00:25:45,712 --> 00:25:47,422
And he goes, "Dude,
I'm never going back to the States,
556
00:25:47,464 --> 00:25:50,050
because China is
way more free than the US.
557
00:25:50,092 --> 00:25:51,468
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
558
00:25:51,510 --> 00:25:54,721
And I was like, "Dude,
there's police at all my shows
559
00:25:54,763 --> 00:25:57,349
"making sure that
I don't mention 'democracy.'"
560
00:25:57,391 --> 00:25:59,184
[LAUGHS]
561
00:25:59,226 --> 00:26:01,812
"Like, I will literally
be taken straight to the airport if I do that."
562
00:26:01,854 --> 00:26:05,274
And he goes, "Yeah, but here
I can just go outside and piss in the street."
563
00:26:05,315 --> 00:26:06,942
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
564
00:26:06,984 --> 00:26:09,111
He's like, "If I did that
at home, I'm gonna get a ticket."
565
00:26:09,152 --> 00:26:11,446
And I'm like, "Yeah,
'cause you should get a ticket. Like..."
566
00:26:11,488 --> 00:26:13,323
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
567
00:26:13,365 --> 00:26:16,493
"Public urination is
a bigger issue for you than voting rights? Like..."
568
00:26:16,535 --> 00:26:19,121
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
569
00:26:19,162 --> 00:26:20,914
"Maybe we don't want
you back at home then.
570
00:26:20,956 --> 00:26:22,749
"I don't know.
571
00:26:22,791 --> 00:26:24,793
"If you're just gonna come home
and complain that you can't take
572
00:26:24,835 --> 00:26:26,461
"a shit at Food Lion, like..."
573
00:26:26,503 --> 00:26:28,338
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
574
00:26:28,380 --> 00:26:31,133
He's like, "I went into
Burger King. I just tried to jerk off in the lobby
575
00:26:31,175 --> 00:26:33,218
"and they arrested me.
576
00:26:33,260 --> 00:26:36,471
"What, is Burger King,
run by Chairman Mao or something?"
577
00:26:37,139 --> 00:26:38,473
[LAUGHS]
578
00:26:38,515 --> 00:26:39,474
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
579
00:26:40,559 --> 00:26:41,852
So my first night...
580
00:26:41,894 --> 00:26:43,937
[CHUCKLES]
581
00:26:43,979 --> 00:26:46,523
First night,
the promoter pulls me aside
582
00:26:46,565 --> 00:26:49,026
before the show and he goes,
"Hey, I just got to warn you,
583
00:26:49,067 --> 00:26:51,904
"uh, there are
a couple scams going around."
584
00:26:51,945 --> 00:26:53,614
And I was like,
"I'm pretty savvy.
585
00:26:53,655 --> 00:26:56,950
"Uh, I don't think
I'm gonna fall for these, whatever they are."
586
00:26:56,992 --> 00:26:58,577
And then he tells me the scams.
587
00:26:58,619 --> 00:27:00,245
I was like, "Yeah,
I actually fell for both of those already."
588
00:27:00,287 --> 00:27:01,705
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
589
00:27:01,747 --> 00:27:03,916
I just didn't realize
there were scams.
590
00:27:03,957 --> 00:27:06,084
I just thought Shanghai
was extremely expensive.
591
00:27:07,669 --> 00:27:09,922
So here's what they were.
The first one I got tricked
592
00:27:09,963 --> 00:27:14,510
into buying some art
for about a 1600% markup,
593
00:27:14,551 --> 00:27:16,553
I later found out. [CHUCKLES]
594
00:27:16,595 --> 00:27:21,225
So, but whatever,
at least it's art. It's something I can keep.
595
00:27:21,266 --> 00:27:24,269
The worst one was
I'm walking back to my hotel with my art.
596
00:27:24,311 --> 00:27:27,523
- [CLICKS TONGUE]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
597
00:27:27,564 --> 00:27:30,734
And these... These three women
who must have seen the art
598
00:27:30,776 --> 00:27:32,528
and been like, "Got him." And...
599
00:27:32,569 --> 00:27:35,489
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
600
00:27:35,531 --> 00:27:37,115
One of them goes,
"Hey, are you American?"
601
00:27:37,157 --> 00:27:39,034
I was like, "Yes, I am.
602
00:27:40,786 --> 00:27:42,412
"Do you have
an opportunity for me?"
603
00:27:42,454 --> 00:27:45,916
Like, just, not the way
to respond
604
00:27:45,958 --> 00:27:49,169
to "Are you an American?"
in another country.
605
00:27:49,211 --> 00:27:52,756
And she goes,
"Well, have you been to the tea ceremony yet?"
606
00:27:52,798 --> 00:27:56,677
And I was like,
"I didn't know there was one. Tell me about it."
607
00:27:56,718 --> 00:27:59,137
And she's like,
"Well, it's only here every 300 years."
608
00:27:59,179 --> 00:28:03,350
And I believed that shit.
Like, she picked a unit of time
609
00:28:03,392 --> 00:28:06,937
that no one measures
anything by, and I'm like, "Woo-hoo! What luck?"
610
00:28:11,066 --> 00:28:14,653
So they lead me
to what can only be described
611
00:28:14,695 --> 00:28:16,905
as an abandoned mall.
612
00:28:16,947 --> 00:28:18,198
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
613
00:28:18,240 --> 00:28:22,911
Gigantic, three-story mall,
completely vacant,
614
00:28:22,953 --> 00:28:25,581
except for this one
back hallway they take me down,
615
00:28:25,622 --> 00:28:27,457
where I'm like,
"Okay, I'm either gonna die
616
00:28:27,499 --> 00:28:30,502
"or they're just keeping
the fucking tea party under wraps.
617
00:28:30,544 --> 00:28:31,587
"Maybe that's it."
618
00:28:31,628 --> 00:28:33,213
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
619
00:28:33,255 --> 00:28:34,965
I'm thinking when we get there,
since the tea party is so hot,
620
00:28:35,007 --> 00:28:36,425
there's gonna be a line.
621
00:28:36,466 --> 00:28:38,051
Believe it or not, I'm the only
person at the tea party.
622
00:28:39,303 --> 00:28:42,264
I go in. I take six sips of tea,
623
00:28:42,306 --> 00:28:43,974
just one of each
of these things.
624
00:28:44,016 --> 00:28:45,767
It was delicious.
625
00:28:45,809 --> 00:28:48,896
Uh, and I was like,
"Well, this is probably five dollars well spent.
626
00:28:48,937 --> 00:28:50,856
And, uh... [CHUCKLES]
627
00:28:50,898 --> 00:28:52,191
They give me the check.
628
00:28:52,232 --> 00:28:56,195
- $160 US.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
629
00:28:56,236 --> 00:28:59,448
For six sips of tea.
630
00:28:59,489 --> 00:29:03,827
The crazy thing is,
I had exactly $160 in my pocket.
631
00:29:03,869 --> 00:29:05,996
So I was like,
"Are you guys working with David Blaine or something?
632
00:29:06,038 --> 00:29:10,501
"Like, how do you know
exactly how much money I have?"
633
00:29:10,542 --> 00:29:12,753
And then the woman goes,
she was like, "Well, you know, if you need to,
634
00:29:12,794 --> 00:29:14,379
"you can go
to the ATM right now."
635
00:29:14,421 --> 00:29:17,883
And I was thinking,
"That's perfect. I'll just run."
636
00:29:17,925 --> 00:29:19,510
And then I was like,
"Wait a minute. I don't know what happens
637
00:29:19,551 --> 00:29:22,179
"in China if you just
run out on a bill." [LAUGHS]
638
00:29:22,221 --> 00:29:25,641
I don't wanna, like,
find myself waking up in some leaky torture dungeon
639
00:29:25,682 --> 00:29:27,267
with people doing shit
to my joints.
640
00:29:27,309 --> 00:29:30,020
[CHUCKLES] So...
And I also didn't wanna leave my art behind
641
00:29:30,062 --> 00:29:31,772
because at the time
I didn't know it was scam art.
642
00:29:31,813 --> 00:29:33,649
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
643
00:29:37,110 --> 00:29:40,155
So I pull all my money
out of my pocket and I start to pay her.
644
00:29:40,197 --> 00:29:42,449
But I'm...
I'm furious, obviously.
645
00:29:42,491 --> 00:29:44,368
And with each bill
I put down, I'm like,
646
00:29:44,409 --> 00:29:46,912
"Fuck you, Fuck you! Fuck you!"
647
00:29:46,954 --> 00:29:49,039
And she can tell I'm pissed off,
because I just keep saying,
648
00:29:49,081 --> 00:29:50,457
"Fuck you," you know?
649
00:29:52,167 --> 00:29:54,586
So then, she wants me
to think it's worth it.
650
00:29:54,628 --> 00:29:56,463
So she... she does
this little sales pitch.
651
00:29:56,505 --> 00:29:58,882
She was like,
"Well, you know, uh, this is actually
652
00:29:58,924 --> 00:30:02,344
"a very luxurious experience
because if you notice that
653
00:30:02,386 --> 00:30:08,350
when I pour
the hot water in the cup, a dragon appears on the side.
654
00:30:10,853 --> 00:30:13,689
And I was like, "Yeah,
we have that same technology on our Coors Light cans.
655
00:30:13,730 --> 00:30:15,190
"Like I'm not...
656
00:30:15,232 --> 00:30:18,151
"I'm not impressed
by your fucking dragon cup."
657
00:30:18,193 --> 00:30:20,237
And then I called her
"Stephanie" and I left.
658
00:30:20,279 --> 00:30:21,238
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
659
00:30:23,949 --> 00:30:28,620
I can't believe I had the gall
to think that I can speak Mandarin. [CHUCKLES]
660
00:30:28,662 --> 00:30:31,957
I could barely speak English
when I was a kid.
661
00:30:31,999 --> 00:30:34,042
Like I... I lived in the South
when I was really little,
662
00:30:34,084 --> 00:30:35,544
and then I moved
to the D.C. area,
663
00:30:35,586 --> 00:30:38,088
and found out I didn't know
how to say my own name.
664
00:30:38,130 --> 00:30:40,966
All right? Ryan could not
be more straightforward,
665
00:30:41,008 --> 00:30:42,968
but in the town
where I was from,
666
00:30:43,010 --> 00:30:45,179
it's pronounced...
[HIGH-PITCHED] "Raan!"
667
00:30:45,220 --> 00:30:46,471
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
668
00:30:46,513 --> 00:30:49,975
It's like an "R"
and seven pages of "I's."
669
00:30:50,017 --> 00:30:53,437
It's also the sound you get
when you throw a cat through the air.
670
00:30:53,478 --> 00:30:55,439
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
671
00:30:55,480 --> 00:30:57,608
[RYAN LAUGHS]
672
00:30:57,649 --> 00:30:59,943
So I was like, "Ryan?"
I'm like, "What is that?"
673
00:31:01,153 --> 00:31:02,279
Is that a vegetable?
674
00:31:04,281 --> 00:31:07,701
I... I love
Southern accents, though. Like, it's so melodic.
675
00:31:07,743 --> 00:31:10,287
Like, I have one uncle
who talks so slowly
676
00:31:10,329 --> 00:31:12,873
that when he gets to
the end of a sentence,
677
00:31:12,915 --> 00:31:16,168
you've already forgot
what the beginning was.
678
00:31:16,210 --> 00:31:18,754
So every time he pauses,
I just go, "Well, shit."
679
00:31:18,795 --> 00:31:20,464
And he goes...
[YELLS] "Damn right!"
680
00:31:24,801 --> 00:31:27,012
That's...
681
00:31:27,054 --> 00:31:30,724
That's every conversation
I have with that uncle.
682
00:31:30,766 --> 00:31:32,476
I see a part of my family
every year at Christmas,
683
00:31:32,518 --> 00:31:34,186
and it is hilarious
because my uncles are just...
684
00:31:34,228 --> 00:31:36,230
All they want to talk about
is directions.
685
00:31:36,271 --> 00:31:37,606
Just, "Hey,
which way did you come here?"
686
00:31:39,525 --> 00:31:40,526
"What road did you take?"
687
00:31:42,069 --> 00:31:45,697
"You take 220, or you take 460?
688
00:31:45,739 --> 00:31:48,700
"Did you go north, then east?
Or did you go east, then north?
689
00:31:49,535 --> 00:31:51,620
"Was there traffic on 460?
690
00:31:51,662 --> 00:31:53,789
"You know, they put that
light in. They shouldn't have put that light in.
691
00:31:53,830 --> 00:31:55,832
"We don't need any lights.
We don't need lights.
692
00:31:57,459 --> 00:31:59,211
"Which way are you
going to go back?"
693
00:31:59,253 --> 00:32:02,840
I'm like, "What are you going
to do with this data? Why do you...
694
00:32:02,881 --> 00:32:05,551
"What are you collecting
this information for?"
695
00:32:07,261 --> 00:32:08,220
[LAUGHS]
696
00:32:09,888 --> 00:32:11,890
"So. which way did you come?"
697
00:32:11,932 --> 00:32:14,059
I'm like, "I don't know,
I just put it in my GPS."
698
00:32:15,185 --> 00:32:17,354
"GPS?"
699
00:32:17,396 --> 00:32:20,691
"You need a robot to tell you
how to get to your grandma's house?"
700
00:32:22,401 --> 00:32:24,486
I'm like, "No, no, it's just
the easiest thing to do."
701
00:32:24,528 --> 00:32:27,239
And he's like, "No,
what you need to do is..."
702
00:32:27,281 --> 00:32:29,283
I'm like,
"No, what I need to do is put it in my GPS,"
703
00:32:29,324 --> 00:32:32,619
"so I don't have to look
for the weird tree you're gonna describe."
704
00:32:32,661 --> 00:32:36,999
I'm like, "Why does anyone give
anyone directions anymore?"
705
00:32:37,040 --> 00:32:39,418
Like, my dad gave me
these directions.
706
00:32:39,459 --> 00:32:43,755
He's like, "You're gonna
go down 220 about three, four, could be six,
707
00:32:43,797 --> 00:32:46,091
"maybe up to 12 miles.
708
00:32:46,133 --> 00:32:49,428
"You're gonna make a right
at the post, okay?
709
00:32:49,469 --> 00:32:53,390
"You can't miss it
because it's the only post on that road.
710
00:32:53,432 --> 00:32:54,808
"There's other poles...
711
00:32:55,642 --> 00:32:56,685
"and columns.
712
00:32:56,727 --> 00:32:58,020
"This is the only post.
713
00:32:59,938 --> 00:33:04,109
"You're gonna go down
about six, eight, nine miles, possibly.
714
00:33:04,151 --> 00:33:09,573
"You're gonna make a left where
the Thompson hot dog place was, that burned down in '86."
715
00:33:11,700 --> 00:33:14,578
I'm like,
"It burned down in '86?"
716
00:33:14,620 --> 00:33:17,206
And he goes, "Yeah,
but it still feels like hot dogs there."
717
00:33:19,249 --> 00:33:25,672
It's like, "Dad, I don't have
this phantom hot dog sense you think I have."
718
00:33:25,714 --> 00:33:28,467
And then he just goes,
"Then you've been in the city too long."
719
00:33:31,094 --> 00:33:32,930
That's his answer to everything.
720
00:33:32,971 --> 00:33:35,974
Like, I don't have any, like...
I don't have any, like, survival skills,
721
00:33:36,016 --> 00:33:39,019
to be honest, I don't...
[SPUTTERS] You don't really need them, you know.
722
00:33:39,061 --> 00:33:42,648
We've got walls and shit.
[LAUGHS]
723
00:33:42,689 --> 00:33:46,193
You don't really have to be
able to survive.
724
00:33:46,235 --> 00:33:50,822
They... They had me
in Cub Scouts when I was little, and I quit when I was seven,
725
00:33:50,864 --> 00:33:53,992
because I realized
that everything they taught me in Cub Scouts
726
00:33:54,034 --> 00:33:57,829
was a survival tool
in case I got lost in the woods.
727
00:33:57,871 --> 00:34:01,875
And then I realized
the only time I had ever been in the woods
728
00:34:01,917 --> 00:34:03,418
was with the Cub Scouts.
729
00:34:05,754 --> 00:34:08,549
So I was like,
"If I just cut these guys out of the equation, I'm safe."
730
00:34:08,590 --> 00:34:09,967
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
731
00:34:10,968 --> 00:34:12,761
I'm not kidding.
732
00:34:12,803 --> 00:34:16,765
I'm not gonna run into a bear
at the Boys & Girls Club, you know.
733
00:34:16,807 --> 00:34:19,893
There's not gonna be a scenario
where I'm playing video games with my friends and you're like,
734
00:34:19,935 --> 00:34:24,189
"Hey, someone tie a square knot
or we're all gonna drown."
735
00:34:24,231 --> 00:34:30,612
It's like, specifically
Cub Scout dangers. It's... It's so absurd.
736
00:34:30,654 --> 00:34:34,533
Like... Like they prepare you
for unnecessary danger
737
00:34:34,575 --> 00:34:37,786
and then just subject you to it
as a 7-year-old.
738
00:34:37,828 --> 00:34:40,497
Just camping with
wolves and bears and shit.
739
00:34:40,539 --> 00:34:43,292
Like, it'd be like
if you took a self-defense class
740
00:34:43,333 --> 00:34:47,129
and the end of the first class
they were like, "All right, send in the murderers."
741
00:34:48,547 --> 00:34:50,883
"Oh, you're struggling?
Then you should've listened.
742
00:34:50,924 --> 00:34:52,593
"You should've listened,
all right?"
743
00:34:54,845 --> 00:34:56,972
So, I was born in 1980.
744
00:34:57,014 --> 00:34:59,850
A lot of Cub Scouts
going around when I was a kid.
745
00:34:59,892 --> 00:35:01,310
A lot of DARE program.
746
00:35:02,561 --> 00:35:04,897
A whole lot of DARE program.
747
00:35:04,938 --> 00:35:07,649
Look, even as a kid,
it was clearly absurd.
748
00:35:07,691 --> 00:35:11,570
Like, it's based on
the idea that marijuana is a gateway to harder drugs.
749
00:35:11,612 --> 00:35:14,156
They always backed it up
with stats that were clearly made up.
750
00:35:15,782 --> 00:35:17,409
Like, I remember
our DARE officers saying,
751
00:35:17,451 --> 00:35:22,706
"Well, 95% of people
who smoke crack also smoke marijuana."
752
00:35:22,748 --> 00:35:25,918
That's obviously made up,
because crackheads don't take surveys.
753
00:35:28,837 --> 00:35:33,091
All right? Like, where did you
get the figures from, man, like...
754
00:35:33,133 --> 00:35:37,346
Are you really trying to tell us
there's a socially conscious crack dealer?
755
00:35:37,387 --> 00:35:41,850
Who is quizzing crackheads
and then reporting back to the government, like...
756
00:35:44,770 --> 00:35:48,106
Then, the...
The most ridiculous stat was, uh...
757
00:35:48,148 --> 00:35:52,402
And they thought
they could get this on us because it has a fraction in it.
758
00:35:52,444 --> 00:35:56,657
There are like, uh...
One-third of people who die in car accidents
759
00:35:56,698 --> 00:35:59,743
go on to test positive
for marijuana.
760
00:35:59,785 --> 00:36:01,370
I'm like, "Only one-third?"
761
00:36:01,411 --> 00:36:03,038
That just means
if you don't smoke weed,
762
00:36:03,080 --> 00:36:05,707
you're twice as likely
to die in a car accident.
763
00:36:08,669 --> 00:36:11,171
That's the best
pro pot statement I've ever heard in my life.
764
00:36:13,048 --> 00:36:14,925
It's ridiculous.
765
00:36:14,967 --> 00:36:17,219
Here is the absurd part
of the DARE program.
766
00:36:17,261 --> 00:36:19,263
They start it when you're seven.
767
00:36:19,304 --> 00:36:23,517
I'm like, "I'm seven years old.
Why are you teaching me about heroin? Like..."
768
00:36:23,559 --> 00:36:26,728
I... I could not figure it out.
Like, I couldn't even tie my shoes.
769
00:36:26,770 --> 00:36:30,315
Like, what makes you think
I could work a syringe?
770
00:36:30,357 --> 00:36:34,695
Like, you really think
I'm gonna be lighting up a spoon in the bathroom?
771
00:36:34,736 --> 00:36:37,948
I'm not even allowed
to touch a lighter, all right?
772
00:36:37,990 --> 00:36:42,202
Also, my allowance
was $5 every other week.
773
00:36:42,244 --> 00:36:45,914
Like, I'd have to
save up 2 months just to buy generic Tylenol.
774
00:36:47,457 --> 00:36:49,293
I remember the...
the DARE officer,
775
00:36:49,334 --> 00:36:52,754
he would bring the, uh...
He would do the presentation in the classroom.
776
00:36:52,796 --> 00:36:57,718
He'd have this case with,
like, 40 windows in it. Each had a different drug in it.
777
00:36:57,759 --> 00:37:00,804
And now I'm an adult.
I know there are only, like, five drugs.
778
00:37:00,846 --> 00:37:02,806
So what the fuck were they...
779
00:37:04,266 --> 00:37:07,936
What were they trying
to tell us was in there?
780
00:37:07,978 --> 00:37:11,398
They'd finish the presentation
and go, "All right. Any questions?"
781
00:37:11,440 --> 00:37:15,777
We're like, "No, we do not have
any questions about meth, sir. Like, we're seven."
782
00:37:15,819 --> 00:37:18,322
You think someone's
going, "Yeah, okay. So if I get Sudafed PM
783
00:37:18,363 --> 00:37:20,949
and I crush that up real good,
put some ethanol in it...
784
00:37:20,991 --> 00:37:22,701
Put that on the streets
within 48 hours...
785
00:37:25,120 --> 00:37:27,581
We don't... No, We don't have
meth questions, man.
786
00:37:28,999 --> 00:37:30,250
He was like,
"No questions at all?"
787
00:37:30,292 --> 00:37:31,752
I'm like, "Uh,
I have one question."
788
00:37:31,793 --> 00:37:33,045
He's like, "Yeah, young man."
789
00:37:33,086 --> 00:37:34,922
I'm like,
"Yeah, is that a real dog?"
790
00:37:37,132 --> 00:37:39,384
He was like,
"Yes, it is a real dog."
791
00:37:39,426 --> 00:37:40,969
I'm like, "No further questions,
Your Honor."
792
00:37:41,011 --> 00:37:42,304
"That's... That's all I got."
793
00:37:45,140 --> 00:37:48,769
We did a, we did a...
We did a field trip to the county jail.
794
00:37:50,270 --> 00:37:52,231
Do you know how absurd that is?
795
00:37:52,272 --> 00:37:56,401
In third grade, we did
a field trip to the... This wasn't Scared Straight!.
796
00:37:56,443 --> 00:37:57,653
This is just a class,
797
00:38:00,113 --> 00:38:01,865
not to look at the jail,
798
00:38:01,907 --> 00:38:06,036
we served six hours of time
behind bars
799
00:38:07,120 --> 00:38:09,331
with other people
who were in jail.
800
00:38:11,166 --> 00:38:16,213
We spent an entire school day
behind bars.
801
00:38:16,255 --> 00:38:19,883
Our teacher was on the outside
like a guard.
802
00:38:19,925 --> 00:38:23,720
And we sat on this, like,
long, like, picnic table thing,
803
00:38:23,762 --> 00:38:27,850
just watching guys
play dominoes for cigarettes.
804
00:38:27,891 --> 00:38:30,686
That was our field trip.
And we're, you know, when you're eight years old,
805
00:38:30,727 --> 00:38:33,939
you have that thing where
you're, like, you think you can blend in with adults.
806
00:38:33,981 --> 00:38:38,110
Like you don't realize
that it's pretty clear you're a kid.
807
00:38:38,151 --> 00:38:39,987
So you're just like,
"Hey, what... What are you in for, man?
808
00:38:40,028 --> 00:38:40,988
"What are you in for?"
809
00:38:42,281 --> 00:38:45,200
"Oh, arson. Cool, cool."
810
00:38:45,242 --> 00:38:47,995
"Me? Uh, I shouldn't say,
I shouldn't say."
811
00:38:48,036 --> 00:38:50,789
"Field trip?"
"Yeah, actually, Yes. Field trip. Yes."
812
00:38:50,831 --> 00:38:53,542
"Very ill-advised field trip
is what I'm in for."
813
00:38:53,584 --> 00:38:55,460
"How could you tell?
Is it because I'm three feet tall
814
00:38:55,502 --> 00:38:57,254
and wearing a T-shirt
that says 'soccer'?"
815
00:38:57,296 --> 00:38:58,839
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
- "Is that..."
816
00:39:05,345 --> 00:39:08,557
It's so crazy that
weed is, like, so vilified
817
00:39:08,599 --> 00:39:11,268
when, like, really
the only negative side effect
818
00:39:11,310 --> 00:39:14,396
is it makes you
misunderstand documentaries.
819
00:39:16,356 --> 00:39:18,567
And then give
the wrong information to your friends.
820
00:39:19,735 --> 00:39:21,403
One of my little brothers
is a pothead.
821
00:39:21,445 --> 00:39:23,488
And I watched
this documentary with him
822
00:39:23,530 --> 00:39:28,035
about this blind guy
who gets around using echolocation.
823
00:39:28,076 --> 00:39:30,537
Have you ever seen the guy
ticks with his mouth?
824
00:39:30,579 --> 00:39:32,998
He can tell
what his surroundings are based off the sound waves.
825
00:39:33,040 --> 00:39:34,416
It's... It's amazing.
826
00:39:34,458 --> 00:39:36,376
So there's a scene where
he's going down the street
827
00:39:36,418 --> 00:39:38,462
and he's like...
[CLICKS TONGUE]
828
00:39:38,504 --> 00:39:40,380
He's like, "There's a trash can
on my left." [CLICKS TONGUE] "Car on the right."
829
00:39:40,422 --> 00:39:42,341
You know...
"Fire hydrant on the left."
830
00:39:42,382 --> 00:39:46,345
We're both amazed,
but for different reasons.
831
00:39:46,386 --> 00:39:50,599
He turns to me and goes,
"So, like, can he talk to dolphins, then?"
832
00:39:50,641 --> 00:39:52,559
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
833
00:39:54,228 --> 00:39:56,772
Oh, no.
834
00:39:56,813 --> 00:40:00,484
I was like, "Why do you think
this is an infomercial for Rosetta Stone Dolphin?
835
00:40:01,985 --> 00:40:05,489
"Why did language
even enter your mind?"
836
00:40:05,531 --> 00:40:08,242
He's like, "Well, he's talking
to trash cans, isn't he?"
837
00:40:08,283 --> 00:40:11,119
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
838
00:40:11,161 --> 00:40:14,289
I'm like, "No, he's not
talking to trash cans."
839
00:40:14,331 --> 00:40:17,376
He goes, "Then how else would
he know it's a trash can?"
840
00:40:19,002 --> 00:40:20,462
I was like, "You think
he's like... [CLICKS TONGUE]
841
00:40:20,504 --> 00:40:22,089
and it's like...
[HIGH-PITCHED] 'I'm a trash can.'"
842
00:40:23,715 --> 00:40:24,925
He was like, "Basically."
843
00:40:27,052 --> 00:40:29,137
I was like, "Man..."
[SIGHS]
844
00:40:29,179 --> 00:40:32,933
"I just realized that's not even
the dumbest thing you're saying here.
845
00:40:32,975 --> 00:40:35,394
"It's what you're implying.
846
00:40:35,435 --> 00:40:38,856
"Which is that dolphins
can also talk to trash cans."
847
00:40:38,897 --> 00:40:40,524
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
848
00:40:42,568 --> 00:40:46,196
And I think I've got him
at this point, and he just goes,
849
00:40:46,238 --> 00:40:49,157
"Lot of people throw trash
in the ocean, so..."
850
00:40:49,199 --> 00:40:51,326
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
851
00:40:51,368 --> 00:40:54,454
That's his closing argument.
Just locking the fingers.
852
00:40:54,496 --> 00:40:56,665
And, like,
I'm just supposed to go, "Oh, yeah, yeah, that's right.
853
00:40:56,707 --> 00:40:58,792
"That's right. That's right."
854
00:40:58,834 --> 00:41:00,919
And then he goes,
"But full disclosure,
855
00:41:00,961 --> 00:41:03,714
"I've never been a trash can,
so this is purely speculation."
856
00:41:03,755 --> 00:41:05,382
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
857
00:41:08,343 --> 00:41:09,970
You guys think
the country is getting dumber?
858
00:41:10,012 --> 00:41:11,138
AUDIENCE: Yeah.
859
00:41:11,180 --> 00:41:12,598
Pretty much, right?
860
00:41:12,639 --> 00:41:14,391
I'm usually
convinced that it is.
861
00:41:14,433 --> 00:41:15,809
But then, every now,
I think it's something like,
862
00:41:15,851 --> 00:41:17,936
well, maybe, maybe
not in every way.
863
00:41:17,978 --> 00:41:21,815
Because when I was a kid,
pretty much the entire country thought wrestling was real.
864
00:41:21,857 --> 00:41:23,442
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
865
00:41:23,483 --> 00:41:26,528
It's like, we've come
a really long way from that, you know,
866
00:41:26,570 --> 00:41:27,988
When I was a kid,
people would be like,
867
00:41:28,030 --> 00:41:31,241
"You can't beat the Undertaker.
He's not even alive."
868
00:41:31,283 --> 00:41:33,702
He'd be like,
"Well, that's a great point, actually, yeah."
869
00:41:33,744 --> 00:41:35,078
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
870
00:41:35,120 --> 00:41:36,663
You can't beat the undead.
871
00:41:40,751 --> 00:41:42,669
I do... I do.
I think we're getting dumber.
872
00:41:42,711 --> 00:41:44,713
I also think, like,
we're becoming bullies,
873
00:41:44,755 --> 00:41:48,592
like, so, like, you aren't even
allowed to watch the TV shows you wanna watch.
874
00:41:48,634 --> 00:41:51,470
People try to
force their TV show on you.
875
00:41:51,512 --> 00:41:54,890
Do you know how many people
have, like, tried to make me watch Ozark?
876
00:41:54,932 --> 00:41:57,059
And now I just can't
watch out of principle.
877
00:41:57,100 --> 00:41:58,352
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
878
00:41:58,393 --> 00:42:00,145
Because so many people are like,
879
00:42:00,187 --> 00:42:03,440
"You don't even
fucking talk to me until you've seen it, all right?"
880
00:42:03,482 --> 00:42:07,611
"Lock yourself in your basement
with a can of beans, and don't come out till..."
881
00:42:09,279 --> 00:42:12,241
It's like, why do you care
what I watch?
882
00:42:12,282 --> 00:42:14,993
So, I just started giving
a stock recommendation back.
883
00:42:15,035 --> 00:42:16,912
And I was like, "Yeah, yeah,
I'll watch Ozark, uh,
884
00:42:16,954 --> 00:42:19,414
"you got to watch this,
so, I just... Just binged the whole thing."
885
00:42:19,456 --> 00:42:21,500
"It's great.
It's called Wheel of Fortune."
886
00:42:21,542 --> 00:42:23,627
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
887
00:42:23,669 --> 00:42:25,546
They're like, "Yeah,
I've seen Wheel of Fortune."
888
00:42:25,587 --> 00:42:29,508
I'm like, "No, you've got
to start from Season 1, all right?"
889
00:42:29,550 --> 00:42:31,510
"Otherwise, you're not gonna
get it, all right?"
890
00:42:31,552 --> 00:42:33,387
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
891
00:42:33,428 --> 00:42:36,682
"You'll follow it,
but you won't get it."
892
00:42:36,723 --> 00:42:38,433
"And if you don't start
from the beginning,
893
00:42:38,475 --> 00:42:42,563
"you'll miss that season
where Sajak refuses to sell vowels, okay?"
894
00:42:42,604 --> 00:42:45,732
"People try to buy them,
and he's like, I'm not selling them shits."
895
00:42:47,985 --> 00:42:50,028
I'm... I'm not into
social media.
896
00:42:50,070 --> 00:42:52,990
I mean, I'm on it,
but I don't... [SPUTTERS] Instagram is fine.
897
00:42:53,031 --> 00:42:54,950
Yelp drives me...
Yelp is hilarious.
898
00:42:54,992 --> 00:42:59,580
The fact that that we've decided
that we're all experts on everything, it's...
899
00:42:59,621 --> 00:43:03,417
There's a one-star review
for the Grand Canyon that I saw.
900
00:43:08,338 --> 00:43:10,382
I mean, everyone's
allowed to have opinions,
901
00:43:10,424 --> 00:43:12,593
but a one-star review
for the Grand Canyon,
902
00:43:12,634 --> 00:43:15,721
you can just say, "Well,
that's a stupid opinion."
903
00:43:15,762 --> 00:43:19,850
Here's what the review said.
The whole thing just said, "It's all outside."
904
00:43:19,892 --> 00:43:21,643
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
905
00:43:22,811 --> 00:43:24,646
Do you know how dumb
you have to be
906
00:43:24,688 --> 00:43:27,274
to see the Grand Canyon
and your take away is, "That shit needs a roof."
907
00:43:27,316 --> 00:43:29,109
- Like...
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
908
00:43:30,360 --> 00:43:33,197
I was in Montreal, uh,
doing shows.
909
00:43:33,238 --> 00:43:37,409
I come out of my hotel,
and across the street from my hotel,
910
00:43:37,451 --> 00:43:39,578
two different places
say "Nuru" on them.
911
00:43:39,620 --> 00:43:41,955
N-U-R-U in these
fluorescent lights.
912
00:43:41,997 --> 00:43:44,917
I'm like, "What is this?"
I google it.
913
00:43:44,958 --> 00:43:49,171
Turns out it's this thing
where a "massage therapist"
914
00:43:49,213 --> 00:43:52,090
covers herself in oil,
like a sexy oil,
915
00:43:52,132 --> 00:43:54,343
like a 10W-40, like a,
you know what I mean,
916
00:43:55,636 --> 00:43:57,387
not that canola bullshit,
917
00:43:57,429 --> 00:44:00,098
and she just slides all over you
for an hour, right?
918
00:44:00,140 --> 00:44:03,894
So I put "massage therapists"
in quotes because she's more of a hero.
919
00:44:03,936 --> 00:44:07,272
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
920
00:44:07,314 --> 00:44:12,736
And I was like, "Let's just see
what the community is saying about this place."
921
00:44:12,778 --> 00:44:17,741
I open up Yelp,
the first thing I see is a one-star review.
922
00:44:17,783 --> 00:44:20,285
Do you know
how little pride you have to have
923
00:44:20,327 --> 00:44:27,167
to leave a one-star review
for a woman covered in oil sliding all over you,
924
00:44:27,209 --> 00:44:31,797
for your family,
friends, coworkers to see... Your name is on it.
925
00:44:32,965 --> 00:44:34,716
Anyone can search reviews.
926
00:44:34,758 --> 00:44:36,844
And this guy,
Randall Danby from Denver...
927
00:44:38,095 --> 00:44:41,056
He put his name out there,
I will too.
928
00:44:41,098 --> 00:44:43,892
His review just said
"Her heart wasn't in it."
929
00:44:43,934 --> 00:44:46,270
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
930
00:44:48,397 --> 00:44:51,775
Like he thought it was
gonna be her passion project or something.
931
00:44:51,817 --> 00:44:53,861
It's like, Randall,
as a general rule,
932
00:44:53,902 --> 00:44:57,656
no woman wants to rub
her naked body on a man who writes Yelp reviews.
933
00:45:03,412 --> 00:45:04,538
Facebook's the worst.
934
00:45:04,580 --> 00:45:06,748
I can't stay on Facebook,
because it's...
935
00:45:06,790 --> 00:45:11,211
You know, if you ever notice
how people use it to make tragedies about themselves.
936
00:45:12,045 --> 00:45:13,881
Every time.
937
00:45:13,922 --> 00:45:17,718
Anything around the world,
like, there could be a mudslide in Malaysia,
938
00:45:17,759 --> 00:45:23,265
and people you went
to middle school with will mark themselves safe.
939
00:45:23,307 --> 00:45:27,311
Like as if you saw the news,
and you're like, "I hope Glenn didn't perish in the mud."
940
00:45:28,770 --> 00:45:31,315
7000 miles
from where he's ever been.
941
00:45:33,108 --> 00:45:34,484
And then
you look at the comments
942
00:45:34,526 --> 00:45:36,695
and everyone's just trying
to one up each other.
943
00:45:36,737 --> 00:45:41,408
Like, "Oh, yeah, I was actually
supposed to be there too, uh, where the mud was sliding.
944
00:45:42,743 --> 00:45:45,954
"Except that I never made
plans to go
945
00:45:45,996 --> 00:45:49,291
"and to be honest,
I'm not even sure what part of Florida Malaysia is in, but..."
946
00:45:49,333 --> 00:45:52,085
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
947
00:45:52,127 --> 00:45:55,797
"...aside from that,
this is about me, okay?"
948
00:45:55,839 --> 00:45:57,508
Someone did this to me
in real life, too.
949
00:45:58,383 --> 00:46:00,177
Okay... So offensive.
950
00:46:00,219 --> 00:46:02,930
The guy, uh, he asked me
when I moved to L.A.,
951
00:46:02,971 --> 00:46:07,100
and then I asked him
when he did, and he just goes,
952
00:46:07,142 --> 00:46:11,813
"It was actually, um,
the day after Katrina hit."
953
00:46:11,855 --> 00:46:13,732
And I said,
"Oh, man, I am so sorry."
954
00:46:13,774 --> 00:46:16,777
And he goes, "Yeah, it was...
It was a really tough time.
955
00:46:16,818 --> 00:46:19,154
"For my family and everyone."
956
00:46:19,196 --> 00:46:21,490
"I bet.
So was your family okay?"
957
00:46:21,532 --> 00:46:24,243
He was like, "Yeah, everyone,
everyone made it out all right."
958
00:46:24,284 --> 00:46:25,702
"So was the house okay?"
959
00:46:25,744 --> 00:46:28,038
And he goes, "Yeah, yeah,
the house made it just fine."
960
00:46:28,080 --> 00:46:29,581
[SPORADIC LAUGHTER]
961
00:46:29,623 --> 00:46:31,750
I said, "Great. Well,
how far are you from the levees?"
962
00:46:31,792 --> 00:46:34,002
- And he goes,
"Oh, pretty far back." - [SPORADIC LAUGHTER]
963
00:46:34,044 --> 00:46:35,671
I said, "How far?"
And he goes, "I don't know.
964
00:46:35,712 --> 00:46:37,756
"Two and a half,
three thousand miles."
965
00:46:37,798 --> 00:46:38,841
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
966
00:46:38,882 --> 00:46:41,218
I said,
"Did you say 'thousand'?"
967
00:46:41,260 --> 00:46:42,594
He's like,
"Yeah, yeah, I'm from Seattle."
968
00:46:42,636 --> 00:46:43,971
"I've never even been
to New Orleans."
969
00:46:44,012 --> 00:46:45,430
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
970
00:46:45,472 --> 00:46:48,517
I said, "Why did you
bring up Katrina then?"
971
00:46:48,559 --> 00:46:50,269
And he goes, "Well, I'm just
referencing the date."
972
00:46:50,310 --> 00:46:52,104
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
973
00:46:52,145 --> 00:46:54,815
I was like, "No one knows
the date of Katrina, man.
974
00:46:54,857 --> 00:46:56,441
"If I didn't have that
follow-up question,
975
00:46:56,483 --> 00:46:59,653
"you would let me live my life
thinking that the levees broke,
976
00:46:59,695 --> 00:47:05,075
"and you just jumped on a raft
and swam to L. A. in pursuit of your dreams.
977
00:47:05,117 --> 00:47:07,327
"In reality,
you're just a monster.
978
00:47:07,369 --> 00:47:11,623
"It would be like
if I told people, 'Oh, yeah, my cousin died September 11th.'
979
00:47:11,665 --> 00:47:13,959
"You're like,
'Oh, no, I am so sorry.
980
00:47:14,001 --> 00:47:15,961
'In one of the towers,
or the Pentagon?'
981
00:47:16,003 --> 00:47:19,006
"I'm like, 'No,
he choked on a tuna melt in Dayton, actually.'
982
00:47:19,047 --> 00:47:21,967
"But never forget,
that's what we say about him.
983
00:47:22,009 --> 00:47:24,970
"Because it was also
in a Quiznos, so double never forget."
984
00:47:25,012 --> 00:47:27,097
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
- [LAUGHS]
985
00:47:28,765 --> 00:47:32,311
My favorite job I ever had
when I was in college,
986
00:47:32,352 --> 00:47:37,191
I worked for what,
in retrospect, was probably a drug front.
987
00:47:37,232 --> 00:47:40,694
I'm pretty sure it was.
So officially it was a decking company,
988
00:47:40,736 --> 00:47:44,156
but my department,
we did set up appointments for estimates.
989
00:47:44,198 --> 00:47:47,117
And we got paid like
$25, $30 an hour for that.
990
00:47:48,368 --> 00:47:50,162
So that's shady on its face.
991
00:47:50,204 --> 00:47:52,664
The other thing about it was,
half the people were college students.
992
00:47:52,706 --> 00:47:54,958
Half were, like,
fresh out of prison.
993
00:47:55,000 --> 00:47:56,585
- Like...
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
994
00:47:56,627 --> 00:48:01,298
One day out, our boss was
on a work release program.
995
00:48:01,340 --> 00:48:05,010
He had nine felonies
and went by 'Felony Freddy,' okay?
996
00:48:05,052 --> 00:48:06,637
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
997
00:48:06,678 --> 00:48:09,014
Freddie wanted everyone
to drop out of college.
998
00:48:09,056 --> 00:48:12,100
He would mock us
for going to school.
999
00:48:12,142 --> 00:48:14,811
My friend John
was a business major,
1000
00:48:14,853 --> 00:48:17,940
and he had his book out
on the table in our meeting before he went out.
1001
00:48:17,981 --> 00:48:20,859
Freddy just goes up to me
and goes, "You don't need that shit."
1002
00:48:20,901 --> 00:48:22,903
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
- Yeah, I do.
1003
00:48:22,945 --> 00:48:27,157
He goes, "I didn't even
finish high school, look at me."
1004
00:48:27,199 --> 00:48:30,035
John was like, "Yeah,
that's my point too." Like...
1005
00:48:31,078 --> 00:48:32,329
"Yeah." [LAUGHS]
1006
00:48:32,371 --> 00:48:35,165
And Freddy goes,
"Give me any vocab word."
1007
00:48:35,207 --> 00:48:39,378
I was like, when's the last time
you heard an adult say "vocab word"?
1008
00:48:39,419 --> 00:48:42,047
And John's like, "All right,
well, what does this mean?"
1009
00:48:42,089 --> 00:48:45,133
Fred's answer is way off
and John tells him,
1010
00:48:45,175 --> 00:48:47,386
and Fred goes,
"Maybe in your book.
1011
00:48:47,427 --> 00:48:50,764
"But that's not how it is
in the real world, all right?
1012
00:48:50,806 --> 00:48:55,602
"I didn't finish school,
and I'm still your boss. So fuck your book."
1013
00:48:55,644 --> 00:48:58,689
And he takes the book,
throws it at the wall.
1014
00:48:58,730 --> 00:49:01,316
And then he turns around
and goes, "You're fired."
1015
00:49:01,358 --> 00:49:02,442
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
1016
00:49:02,484 --> 00:49:04,194
John's like, "For what?"
1017
00:49:04,236 --> 00:49:07,239
And then Fred goes,
"I rethought it.
1018
00:49:07,281 --> 00:49:11,326
"And now you're hired
because life is about second chances."
1019
00:49:11,368 --> 00:49:13,287
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
1020
00:49:18,584 --> 00:49:23,297
One day I'm in
the passenger seat and this guy, uh, Marcus is driving.
1021
00:49:23,338 --> 00:49:26,884
I went to school with him.
I never... I never met him before this day,
1022
00:49:26,925 --> 00:49:28,719
Never been in a van with him.
1023
00:49:28,760 --> 00:49:33,765
We're driving
down the interstate. He just slams on the brakes.
1024
00:49:33,807 --> 00:49:38,270
Middle of the highway.
Complete stop. Everyone's swerving around us.
1025
00:49:38,312 --> 00:49:41,315
Everyone's freaking out in
the van, like, "What's going on? Marcus, What's going on?"
1026
00:49:41,356 --> 00:49:42,858
He's just like, "Oh, nothing."
1027
00:49:42,900 --> 00:49:44,359
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
1028
00:49:46,528 --> 00:49:49,406
I was like, "Can you pull over
to the side of the road?"
1029
00:49:49,448 --> 00:49:51,074
He was like,
"Do you think I should?"
1030
00:49:51,116 --> 00:49:52,659
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
1031
00:49:52,701 --> 00:49:56,538
"Absolutely. I think that's...
Yes." He goes, "Okay.
1032
00:49:56,580 --> 00:49:59,082
Slowly pulls over, right?
All right, get out of the van.
1033
00:49:59,124 --> 00:50:04,171
I call Freddie. I was like,
"Fred, we're on 95. Marcus just slams on the brakes."
1034
00:50:04,213 --> 00:50:06,590
Freddy goes, "Yeah,
that's gonna happen from time to time."
1035
00:50:06,632 --> 00:50:08,634
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
1036
00:50:08,675 --> 00:50:10,844
I said, "Why would that happen
from time to time?"
1037
00:50:10,886 --> 00:50:12,763
And he goes,
"Well, he has seizures."
1038
00:50:14,306 --> 00:50:16,350
I said, "Why is he driving?"
1039
00:50:18,352 --> 00:50:20,270
"Is he allowed to drive?"
1040
00:50:20,312 --> 00:50:23,982
And Freddy goes,
"Well, not according to the government."
1041
00:50:24,024 --> 00:50:25,692
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
1042
00:50:25,734 --> 00:50:29,988
"But I play by my own rules,
as you know."
1043
00:50:30,030 --> 00:50:32,491
And I said,
"But why is he driving?"
1044
00:50:32,533 --> 00:50:36,370
And he goes, "Dude,
when he's on, he's fucking on."
1045
00:50:36,411 --> 00:50:37,746
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
1046
00:50:37,788 --> 00:50:40,040
I was like,
"What does that even mean?"
1047
00:50:40,082 --> 00:50:43,168
We're driving a minivan
through the suburbs.
1048
00:50:43,210 --> 00:50:46,588
Not shooting
a Jason Statham movie.
1049
00:50:46,630 --> 00:50:50,425
And then he goes, "Dude,
he's top three in the state in hitting green lights."
1050
00:50:50,467 --> 00:50:53,470
I'm like,
"That's not a real stat. No one measures that.
1051
00:50:53,512 --> 00:50:56,890
"How stupid do you think I am?"
1052
00:50:56,932 --> 00:51:00,644
We were with this other guy,
uh, this guy, Chris from Denver.
1053
00:51:00,686 --> 00:51:04,398
He was the dumbest man
on the planet. He was... He was a white guy.
1054
00:51:04,439 --> 00:51:06,650
Everyone knows this type of guy.
1055
00:51:06,692 --> 00:51:12,406
He was this white guy who just
wanted the Black guys who worked there to think he was cool.
1056
00:51:12,447 --> 00:51:17,786
Everything he did in his life
was to make the Black guys who worked there think he was cool.
1057
00:51:17,828 --> 00:51:21,248
He would try to freestyle
in the van constantly.
1058
00:51:21,290 --> 00:51:25,544
It was the most
uncomfortable shit I've ever been near.
1059
00:51:25,586 --> 00:51:28,797
One day... One day
he just turns down the radio.
1060
00:51:28,839 --> 00:51:31,633
Everyone rolls their eyes,
like, "This shit again."
1061
00:51:31,675 --> 00:51:33,552
And he just goes,
"Trees and shit."
1062
00:51:33,594 --> 00:51:35,637
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
1063
00:51:35,679 --> 00:51:39,349
He's like, "That's all I've got
for now, all right?" And just turns it back up.
1064
00:51:40,934 --> 00:51:44,605
It's like, Chris,
do you not have a filter in your brain,
1065
00:51:44,646 --> 00:51:46,773
or did "trees and shit"
get to the filter,
1066
00:51:48,734 --> 00:51:52,237
and your brain was like,
"Let it through, let it through."
1067
00:51:52,279 --> 00:51:54,114
Let the world know
about "trees and shit."
1068
00:51:56,200 --> 00:51:57,534
[LAUGHS]
1069
00:51:59,661 --> 00:52:02,331
The most uncomfortable thing
he did.
1070
00:52:02,372 --> 00:52:06,960
One day he pulls out a photo
of a baby, all right?
1071
00:52:08,420 --> 00:52:09,796
And we're like, "Who is that?"
1072
00:52:09,838 --> 00:52:11,882
And he goes, "That's my son."
1073
00:52:11,924 --> 00:52:14,176
We're like, "Well, that's
not good for the planet, but all right."
1074
00:52:14,218 --> 00:52:15,719
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
1075
00:52:22,100 --> 00:52:24,394
I said, "How old is he?"
1076
00:52:24,436 --> 00:52:26,855
And then he goes,
this is a direct quote,
1077
00:52:26,897 --> 00:52:29,525
he goes, "My girl
shit him out last month."
1078
00:52:29,566 --> 00:52:31,151
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
1079
00:52:31,193 --> 00:52:34,530
It's the most revolting sentence
in the English language.
1080
00:52:34,571 --> 00:52:37,032
I wish I did not know
how old his son was.
1081
00:52:37,074 --> 00:52:41,119
I did not want to hear
that sentence, but I do you want to think
1082
00:52:41,161 --> 00:52:42,829
that that's how
he thinks it works.
1083
00:52:42,871 --> 00:52:45,082
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
1084
00:52:45,123 --> 00:52:46,542
That's not even
the uncomfortable part.
1085
00:52:46,583 --> 00:52:48,836
This was the uncomfortable part.
1086
00:52:48,877 --> 00:52:51,713
Someone said, "What's his name?"
1087
00:52:51,755 --> 00:52:55,133
He locks eyes with
every Black dude in the room, just one at a time.
1088
00:52:55,175 --> 00:52:57,010
And he goes, "Justice."
1089
00:52:57,052 --> 00:52:58,428
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
1090
00:52:58,470 --> 00:52:59,972
He's like, "I get it, I get it."
1091
00:53:00,013 --> 00:53:02,808
Yeah, this is Justice.
1092
00:53:02,850 --> 00:53:05,686
It's like, man,
you were trying way too hard.
1093
00:53:05,727 --> 00:53:09,064
You can't be a white guy
and name your kid Justice.
1094
00:53:09,106 --> 00:53:12,484
That would be like if I was like
"Yeah, this is my son Brown v. the Board of Education."
1095
00:53:12,526 --> 00:53:13,861
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
1096
00:53:13,902 --> 00:53:14,945
"Yeah."
1097
00:53:14,987 --> 00:53:16,154
"No, it's not his full name.
1098
00:53:16,196 --> 00:53:17,990
"His middle name
is Montgomery bus boycott.
1099
00:53:18,031 --> 00:53:18,991
"We call him Monty.
1100
00:53:20,576 --> 00:53:24,079
"Please like me."
You're just trying way too hard.
1101
00:53:24,121 --> 00:53:27,875
Also, a white guy named Justice
does not sound like an ally.
1102
00:53:27,916 --> 00:53:29,501
It sounds like
a renegade sheriff.
1103
00:53:30,669 --> 00:53:33,088
With a show on TNT.
1104
00:53:35,132 --> 00:53:37,050
"Justice is part
of the problem.
1105
00:53:37,092 --> 00:53:38,051
"This fall."
1106
00:53:38,677 --> 00:53:40,012
[LAUGHS]
1107
00:53:41,388 --> 00:53:43,348
It's everyone's first day.
1108
00:53:43,390 --> 00:53:46,977
You're trying to get a read
for him, like, "So listen, is this guy in school?
1109
00:53:47,019 --> 00:53:48,061
"He just get out of prison?
1110
00:53:48,103 --> 00:53:49,855
"What? What's your deal?"
1111
00:53:49,897 --> 00:53:52,941
If you look for obvious signs
like types of tattoos, like I'd be like
1112
00:53:52,983 --> 00:53:54,818
"Oh, teardrop tattoo...
Art student."
1113
00:53:54,860 --> 00:53:57,154
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
- I was horrible at it.
1114
00:53:58,113 --> 00:53:59,740
One day I'm driving this guy.
1115
00:53:59,781 --> 00:54:02,993
Calvin is in the car with me,
and I'm thinking he's in school,
1116
00:54:03,035 --> 00:54:07,206
just based on everything
about him and so I was like, "What'd you do before this?"
1117
00:54:07,247 --> 00:54:09,041
And he's like, "Tsk.
I haven't worked in a minute."
1118
00:54:10,876 --> 00:54:12,753
I was like,
"What have you been doing?"
1119
00:54:12,794 --> 00:54:16,965
He was like, "Well, I was
in the pen for four years."
1120
00:54:17,007 --> 00:54:20,636
But because I saw him
as a student, when he said "the pen."
1121
00:54:20,677 --> 00:54:22,471
Instead of hearing
"penitentiary,"
1122
00:54:22,513 --> 00:54:25,682
my brain translated to
"University of Pennsylvania."
1123
00:54:25,724 --> 00:54:27,893
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
1124
00:54:27,935 --> 00:54:30,354
And I go, "Oh, man,
my uncle went there too."
1125
00:54:32,481 --> 00:54:35,901
He's like, "For real?"
And I was like, "Yeah, what did you major in?"
1126
00:54:35,943 --> 00:54:37,986
And then he goes,
"attempted murder."
1127
00:54:38,028 --> 00:54:40,656
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
1128
00:54:40,697 --> 00:54:43,825
I was like, "Oh, shit.
My uncle was public policy.
1129
00:54:43,867 --> 00:54:45,953
"Things have changed.
1130
00:54:45,994 --> 00:54:47,454
"Things have changed."
1131
00:54:49,665 --> 00:54:53,418
And we we became
pretty friendly, and I found out what he did,
1132
00:54:53,460 --> 00:54:57,673
and it was, uh, hilarious
the way I reacted to it,
1133
00:54:57,714 --> 00:54:59,675
because...
1134
00:54:59,716 --> 00:55:02,886
There was a pawn shop
across the street of my high school.
1135
00:55:02,928 --> 00:55:04,429
There was an incident there.
1136
00:55:04,471 --> 00:55:06,181
When I was in high school,
1137
00:55:06,223 --> 00:55:09,518
and it turned my school
into lockdown for six hours.
1138
00:55:09,560 --> 00:55:11,895
So then when I found out
that he was responsible for it,
1139
00:55:11,937 --> 00:55:14,982
- I was just like,
"That was you?" - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
1140
00:55:15,023 --> 00:55:16,900
"I can't believe I'm hanging out
with you right now."
1141
00:55:16,942 --> 00:55:20,821
Like, like, I turned into
a Manson woman, like, I'm just in the cult.
1142
00:55:22,406 --> 00:55:24,366
Like every time
he got out of the van,
1143
00:55:24,408 --> 00:55:25,826
I was just calling up
people from high school.
1144
00:55:25,868 --> 00:55:28,537
Like, "Do you remember
the pawnshop shooting?"
1145
00:55:28,579 --> 00:55:31,957
They're like, "Yeah." I'm like,
"Guess who I'm hanging out with right now?"
1146
00:55:31,999 --> 00:55:34,042
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
1147
00:55:34,084 --> 00:55:39,131
They were like, "Get out
of the van, dude." I'm like, "No, you just don't understand
1148
00:55:39,173 --> 00:55:41,300
"people like me and Calvin.
We're different."
1149
00:55:42,759 --> 00:55:43,886
[LAUGHS]
1150
00:55:45,262 --> 00:55:46,471
That's true.
1151
00:55:46,513 --> 00:55:48,265
I got one more story for you.
1152
00:55:49,600 --> 00:55:52,144
So nothing ever felt
dangerous...
1153
00:55:52,186 --> 00:55:54,146
The most dangerous things
that's ever happened to me, at work,
1154
00:55:54,188 --> 00:55:56,231
I was performing at a club,
1155
00:55:56,273 --> 00:55:59,109
and as soon as I got introduced,
I grabbed the mic
1156
00:55:59,151 --> 00:56:01,403
and the fire alarm
just starts blasting.
1157
00:56:01,445 --> 00:56:03,697
All right. Just...
No one from the club
1158
00:56:03,739 --> 00:56:05,949
is acting like there's
a fire alarm going off.
1159
00:56:05,991 --> 00:56:07,826
So I told the crowd,
"Hey, don't worry, guys,
1160
00:56:07,868 --> 00:56:10,287
"this is just a drill,"
which is absurd.
1161
00:56:10,329 --> 00:56:12,372
Why would there be like
a middle school fire drill
1162
00:56:13,957 --> 00:56:15,918
in the middle of your show?
1163
00:56:15,959 --> 00:56:19,087
Also where the policy is,
"Just ignore it. Let it ruin your night."
1164
00:56:20,631 --> 00:56:22,799
But the crowd was like,
"Well, he has the microphone.
1165
00:56:22,841 --> 00:56:24,092
"He wouldn't lie to us,
would he?"
1166
00:56:26,803 --> 00:56:28,347
So I just keep performing.
1167
00:56:28,388 --> 00:56:30,557
I think it's gonna go off
for a couple of minutes.
1168
00:56:30,599 --> 00:56:33,644
It went off for 45 minutes.
1169
00:56:33,685 --> 00:56:35,812
At the end of that time,
I go in the green room.
1170
00:56:35,854 --> 00:56:38,941
The managers in there
are really nervous-looking and I was like,
1171
00:56:38,982 --> 00:56:40,901
"What's going on?
Is there a wiring issue?"
1172
00:56:40,943 --> 00:56:43,654
And he goes, "No, dude,
we got a big ass fire."
1173
00:56:43,695 --> 00:56:45,906
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
1174
00:56:45,948 --> 00:56:48,116
I was like, "What do you mean,
you have a fire?"
1175
00:56:48,158 --> 00:56:50,327
Like, I said,
"Why didn't you get me off stage?"
1176
00:56:50,369 --> 00:56:53,080
And he goes, "Yeah, that's what
the fire department's been saying, too."
1177
00:56:53,121 --> 00:56:54,831
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
1178
00:56:57,626 --> 00:56:59,753
I was like, "I didn't even know
you could tell the fire department
1179
00:56:59,795 --> 00:57:03,882
"'No', like... you know, we,
we'll, we'll blow on it.
1180
00:57:03,924 --> 00:57:06,009
"We got it. We got it."
1181
00:57:06,051 --> 00:57:08,512
I was like, "Seriously,
why didn't you get me off stage?"
1182
00:57:08,554 --> 00:57:12,850
And he goes, "To tell you
the truth, I was about to get you off stage.
1183
00:57:12,891 --> 00:57:15,519
"Then I saw
how much fun you were having.
1184
00:57:15,561 --> 00:57:17,896
"And I decided
that's how you'd want to go."
1185
00:57:17,938 --> 00:57:19,398
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
1186
00:57:21,984 --> 00:57:23,819
I was like, "Really, man,
I've known you for an hour,
1187
00:57:23,861 --> 00:57:26,154
"and you think you can make end
of life decisions for me.
1188
00:57:27,823 --> 00:57:30,534
"Also fuck you for thinking
this is the peak of my life."
1189
00:57:30,576 --> 00:57:32,286
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
1190
00:57:32,327 --> 00:57:34,246
Easily the worst show
I'd ever done.
1191
00:57:34,288 --> 00:57:35,581
And he's like,
"Just let him go.
1192
00:57:35,622 --> 00:57:38,417
"His family will understand.
He went out on top."
1193
00:57:38,458 --> 00:57:43,672
It's like I wouldn't mind
if I died on stage in my 90s of a heart attack.
1194
00:57:43,714 --> 00:57:46,466
I don't wanna die when I'm 40,
because someone forgot
1195
00:57:46,508 --> 00:57:47,843
to take
the chicken tenders out.
1196
00:57:49,052 --> 00:57:50,429
Little less of a hero story.
1197
00:57:51,722 --> 00:57:54,558
So then after the show,
I'm in the bar area
1198
00:57:54,600 --> 00:57:56,643
and this woman comes up,
she's talking to me.
1199
00:57:56,685 --> 00:57:58,979
And the conversation
was already awkward.
1200
00:57:59,021 --> 00:58:02,191
Because when she came up
to shake my hand, I'd just come out of the bathroom.
1201
00:58:02,232 --> 00:58:03,817
And my hands were wet.
1202
00:58:03,859 --> 00:58:05,903
And so as soon as our hands
touched, she gave me that,
1203
00:58:05,944 --> 00:58:07,654
like,
"You nasty motherfucker" look.
1204
00:58:10,073 --> 00:58:11,909
Which... Come on,
let's all grow up.
1205
00:58:11,950 --> 00:58:13,911
We know what's happening there.
1206
00:58:13,952 --> 00:58:16,538
It's one of those bathrooms
with the hand dryers.
1207
00:58:16,580 --> 00:58:19,750
This... It's a slow trickle
of cool air
1208
00:58:19,791 --> 00:58:23,545
like it feels like an old man
is whispering into your hands.
1209
00:58:23,587 --> 00:58:25,339
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
1210
00:58:25,380 --> 00:58:29,760
It's like I don't have time
to dry my hands with secrets, like...
1211
00:58:29,801 --> 00:58:34,139
I got a life to live,
so I walk out, shake hands... Like...
1212
00:58:34,181 --> 00:58:36,099
She acts like I was actually
in the bathroom, like,
1213
00:58:36,141 --> 00:58:38,310
"Can't wait to shake me
some hands."
1214
00:58:38,352 --> 00:58:40,103
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
- Like...
1215
00:58:41,355 --> 00:58:43,023
Like anyone has ever done that.
1216
00:58:44,983 --> 00:58:48,111
So five minutes into an already
awkward conversation,
1217
00:58:48,153 --> 00:58:51,031
she goes, "Where'd you
go to college?"
1218
00:58:51,073 --> 00:58:52,991
I said, "George Mason."
1219
00:58:53,033 --> 00:58:55,911
She put her thumb down
in my face and just starts going,
1220
00:58:55,953 --> 00:58:58,455
"Boo!"
1221
00:59:00,123 --> 00:59:01,792
It was like I went
to George Mason.
1222
00:59:01,834 --> 00:59:03,168
I don't even have
an opinion on it.
1223
00:59:03,210 --> 00:59:05,170
Like, "Why are you doing that?"
1224
00:59:06,338 --> 00:59:09,341
And she just goes,
"I went to Florida."
1225
00:59:09,383 --> 00:59:12,135
I've got no idea
what that means, right?
1226
00:59:12,177 --> 00:59:13,762
She may as well have said
"I like pop tarts,"
1227
00:59:13,804 --> 00:59:16,890
like, there's, there's,
there's no connection.
1228
00:59:16,932 --> 00:59:20,894
And then she goes,
"We beat you in the Final Four."
1229
00:59:21,937 --> 00:59:23,689
[SIGHS IN EXASPERATION]
1230
00:59:23,730 --> 00:59:27,568
It's like, "First of all,
neither of us played in that game. All right?
1231
00:59:27,609 --> 00:59:30,988
"Like I know I didn't,
and I think I would remember
1232
00:59:31,029 --> 00:59:33,615
"if a 5-foot-2 woman played
in the men's Final Four."
1233
00:59:37,119 --> 00:59:43,000
So then she gets defensive
and she was like... She's like, "Well, you know.
1234
00:59:43,041 --> 00:59:46,420
"The University of Florida
is known as the Harvard of Florida."
1235
00:59:46,461 --> 00:59:47,671
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
1236
00:59:47,713 --> 00:59:50,174
I was like,
"No one has ever said that."
1237
00:59:50,215 --> 00:59:51,425
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
1238
00:59:51,466 --> 00:59:53,260
"No one's ever even
thought that."
1239
00:59:54,553 --> 00:59:57,472
It's also
a very weird way to brag.
1240
00:59:57,514 --> 00:59:59,850
That's like saying,
"Did you know that pizza rolls
1241
00:59:59,892 --> 01:00:02,060
"are the lobster
of the frozen food section?"
1242
01:00:02,102 --> 01:00:04,605
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
1243
01:00:04,646 --> 01:00:08,650
It's like, I'll give you that,
but it's a very low ceiling, very low.
1244
01:00:12,654 --> 01:00:14,156
[CHUCKLES]
1245
01:00:14,198 --> 01:00:17,993
Also, the thing is,
it's like the game was 15 years ago.
1246
01:00:18,035 --> 01:00:20,120
It's a borderline historical
event... That...
1247
01:00:20,162 --> 01:00:22,706
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
- That would be like if every time
1248
01:00:22,748 --> 01:00:26,043
I met a British guy,
I'm just like, "Boo."
1249
01:00:26,084 --> 01:00:27,628
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
1250
01:00:29,171 --> 01:00:30,422
He's like, "What's that for?"
1251
01:00:31,507 --> 01:00:33,050
Like, the events of Braveheart.
1252
01:00:33,091 --> 01:00:34,051
Okay?
1253
01:00:38,222 --> 01:00:41,892
Then she asked me if I went
to grad school anywhere, and I got to lay it on her.
1254
01:00:41,934 --> 01:00:45,395
I was like, "Yeah, I actually
went to Harvard," which is not true at all.
1255
01:00:45,437 --> 01:00:46,813
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
1256
01:00:46,855 --> 01:00:48,982
I just wanted to be able to say,
"Or, as we called it,
1257
01:00:49,024 --> 01:00:51,944
- "the Florida of Massachusetts."
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
1258
01:00:51,985 --> 01:00:53,654
All right.
Thank you so much, guys.
1259
01:00:53,695 --> 01:00:54,863
You've been an awesome crowd.
1260
01:00:54,905 --> 01:00:56,740
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
1261
01:00:56,782 --> 01:00:58,116
You've been wonderful.
1262
01:00:58,158 --> 01:00:59,368
I really appreciate it.
1263
01:00:59,409 --> 01:01:00,410
I can't thank you enough.
1264
01:01:01,370 --> 01:01:03,080
Have a great night. Thank you.
1265
01:01:06,500 --> 01:01:08,669
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]
1266
01:01:09,753 --> 01:01:11,713
[IMPERCEPTIBLE]