WEBVTT FILE

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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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WOMAN:<i> Ladies and gentlemen,</i>
<i>give it up for Ryan Conner.</i>

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

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I grew up kind of near here.

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I actually have a huge
and multiracial family.

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I have 11 brothers.
Here's how that happened.

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So my parents got divorced
when I was two.

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My mom and stepdad
have been together since I was four.

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My stepdad's Black.
I have two Black stepbrothers,

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four adopted brothers
who are Black,

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two Vietnamese brothers,

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one Chinese brother,
and two white brothers.

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And I am right in the middle,
age-wise.

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Like, picture
a college brochure.

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- That's pretty much what it is.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

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Like, you see my family photo,

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your first thought's like,
"Yeah, I go there."

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"It's a...

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"It's a good school, you know,
state school, affordable. Okay."

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[CHUCKLES]

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Since we grew up together,
no one has any racial stereotypes.

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It always takes me a minute
to get them.

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Like one time a guy told me
what I now know is a racist joke.

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At the time, I just thought
it was an earnest question.

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He goes, "There's a Black guy,
a Hispanic guy, and an Asian guy in the back of a car.

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"Who's driving?"

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I was like, "My mom?
I don't know."

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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

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"You got to give me
more information, man. When was this?

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I was like, "Tuesday is
our soccer practice.

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"Like, is that...

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"Like, if you need a ride,
just say you need a ride, man.

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"Like, we don't need riddles.
I don't know why you're doing this."

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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

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"Just be ready at 6:00.
No cleats in the van."

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Also, whenever I have
to guess stereotypes, I'm always off.

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Because I just base them
on my brothers' behavior.

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Like, one time,
a comic friend was writing

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what was probably gonna be
a horrible joke.

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And he was like, "Hey, dude,
I need a Chinese stereotype.

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"You have a Chinese brother,
right?"

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I was like, "Yeah, man.

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"Chinese people eat
all the deviled eggs at Thanksgiving."

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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

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And he's like,
"That might be too specific."

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I was like, "Then you should
not have asked me, then. I don't know."

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I grew up in a predominantly
Black neighborhood.

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I didn't have
any white friends at all till I got to college.

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So it wasn't until then
that I found out

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that everyone doesn't
cover their bodies in lotion two to three times a day.

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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

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Like, that's how I was raised.

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Like, my mentality was like,

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we might not agree
on everything,

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but we're all
fighting the war on ashiness.

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- Like...
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

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[LAUGHING] That's the one thing
we've got as Americans.

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So then,
my freshman year at college, I'm in my dorm room.

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It's me and five other
white guys I just met.

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We're playing Madden,

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and I paused the game
to put cocoa butter on my elbows.

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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

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As soon as I hit
the pump on the cocoa butter,

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they just look at me like,
"Is he about to jack off right now?"

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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

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They're like,
"I love defense, too,

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"but I'm not in love
with defense."

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And I can tell
they're looking at me weird, but I don't know why.

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- So I offer them some.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

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And they were just like,
"I didn't know it was that kind of party, um..."

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Well, then I start
putting it on my elbows and they're like,

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"You can put dick sauce
on your arms?"

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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

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So, we all learned something
that day.

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I just flew in,
couple nights ago.

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Middle of my flight,

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the guy directly in front of me
starts panicking

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because he thought
he was having a heart attack.

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- It ended up being indigestion.
He's fine. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

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But the flight attendant
announced,

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"We have a medical emergency.
Is there a doctor on board?"

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The woman behind me
stood up and goes,

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"My husband's a chiropractor."

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[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

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I don't know if you've ever seen
200 people laugh hysterically

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while a man thinks he's dying.

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It's incredible.

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Even the guy who thought
he was having a heart attack

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was laughing his ass off.

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He's like," Yeah,
my heart's exploding.

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"Come crack my back, please."

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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

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Like, I...
I bet if someone else was like,

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"Well, I once played Operation."

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He'd have been like,
"Then get in here."

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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

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I really felt for him.

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It's got to be so embarrassing
to think you're gonna die

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and tell everyone
you're gonna die,

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and then you just
burp a couple of times.

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- You're like, "No, I'm fine.
I'm good, actually." - [LAUGHING]

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CONNER: And then you just
sit on the same plane

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with them
for another four hours.

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I know the feeling because
a couple years ago,

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I almost died in the most
ridiculous way possible.

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All right, don't worry.
I made it. I'm fine.

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- Uh...
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

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"Okay? So, then did he die?"

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No, I didn't. [LAUGHS]

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So here's what happened.

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I get taken to the hospital
in an ambulance.

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Everyone thinks
I'm having a stroke.

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They do hours of tests on me.

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And then the doctor comes
into my room and goes,

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"Quick. He has
dangerously low potassium."

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I was like,
"Are you fucking kidding me?

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"Am I about to die
of a banana deficiency?"

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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

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"Or am I just going to have
the lamest survivor story in history?" [LAUGHS]

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Because it's not respectable.

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Like, half of my friends
are veterans,

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and I can just see myself
trying to relate to them.

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We're hanging out like,
"Yeah, we're flying this helicopter over Fallujah.

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"And these RPGs are flying at us
from every angle."

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And I'm like, "Hey, let me
stop you there, man. Uh...

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"That reminds me of this time
I totally spaced and forgot to eat bananas."

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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

129
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"Guys like us. You know
what I'm saying?" [CHUCKLES]

130
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"A little too close
to the edge at times, right?"

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[CHUCKLES] So they gave me
a potassium drip.

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Had me drink these two,
like, effervescent tablets.

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I was fine in an hour, okay?

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So I was like, "Okay,
this can't cost more than $4, right?"

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- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
- [SIGHS]

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Because, I mean,
it can't because

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number two
at Jamba Juice is $6.99,

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and that's the same thing
but it's delicious.

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so this can't be more than $4.

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I get the bill
a couple months later.

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$9,000 after insurance,

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- WOMAN 1: Wow.
- WOMAN 2: Oh, my God.

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$9,000 for liquid bananas.

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For $9,000,
you can buy every banana on the planet, okay?

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So I called up my insurance.

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I was like,
"Dude, how was this $9,000?"

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They were like,
"Well, it's 'cause you almost died out-of-network."

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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

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I was like, "So the next time
I almost die,

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"I just need to check
to make sure I'm in-network."

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He's like, "Basically."

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I said, "Does anyone
ever not pay their bill?"

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And he's like, "All the time."

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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

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I said, "I'm glad
you're used to it then.

156
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"Then mark me down
for never going to pay, all right?

157
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"I'll drop off some bananas
if you want, but that's..." [LAUGHS]

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"I'll pay you in potassium."

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But the thing is,
I knew from the beginning

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that the insurance people
didn't respect me,

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because when I called
to file a claim,

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the guy goes, "Sir,
can you please confirm your Member ID?"

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And then he goes,
"One number at a time."

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I was like, "Yeah, man,
that's how I say numbers. Like...

165
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"How did you think I was going
to approach an 11-digit number?"

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The only thing I can think of
is there's a note on my account that's like,

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"This guy is gonna try
to say them all at once, all right?"

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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

169
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"You got to step in there,
cut him off at the pass."

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What the hell did he think
I was gonna do?

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Like, I was gonna
read it like a word?

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Or like I was some person
who would read a member...

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Oh, yeah, my Member ID is, uh,
13 billion, 891 million,

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612 thousand, 140 C.

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I didn't even know C
was a...

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Wait, I got the commas wrong.

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138 billion, 2...

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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

179
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So I was in band
from elementary school all the way through college.

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I don't know if any of you guys
are also really cool.

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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

182
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Here's the irony of band,
is that

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everyone in the world
loves music,

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but no one likes it
if it's sanctioned by a school.

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Like, no one's ever been like,
"Hey, what's your favorite band?

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"Radiohead?

187
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"Oh, mine's the school."

188
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"My favorite song?
Oh, it's, uh...

189
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"It's that one they play
during time-outs.

190
00:09:03.502 --> 00:09:06.296
"It's got that, uh, tuba solo
you can fuck to.

191
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"It's a..."

192
00:09:08.590 --> 00:09:10.133
Here's what...
Okay, here's the deal.

193
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Every school program
does fundraisers, right?

194
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For band, in high school,

195
00:09:15.138 --> 00:09:17.641
we sold onions door-to-door.

196
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

197
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Do you know how little
the school has to think of you

198
00:09:23.272 --> 00:09:28.443
to make you sell onions
door-to-door in your own community?

199
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I don't know
if there was a draft or something.

200
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Because football sold pizza,
basketball sold cookies,

201
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and I guess eventually
they were like,

202
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"Hey, band. Uh, we're down
to onions and cemetery plots. What do you guys think?"

203
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[LAUGHING] We're like,
"Well, of the two, I guess we're going onions."

204
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They're like,
"All right, uh, sewing club,

205
00:09:47.171 --> 00:09:48.881
"find out who wants to get
buried on school grounds."

206
00:09:48.922 --> 00:09:50.340
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

207
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So here is the deal.

208
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The minimum order...

209
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The minimum order
was 30 onions for $30.

210
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30 onions at the same time.

211
00:10:03.270 --> 00:10:05.647
Not spread over two decades.
This is...

212
00:10:07.900 --> 00:10:10.569
It's just one day,
we don't know when

213
00:10:10.611 --> 00:10:15.199
a truck will show up
and fill your house with onions.

214
00:10:19.745 --> 00:10:24.583
The average human
eats 30 onions in six lifetimes, like...

215
00:10:24.625 --> 00:10:28.212
Like, the only way you need
30 onions on the same day

216
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is if you own
more than one Outback.

217
00:10:30.464 --> 00:10:32.257
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

218
00:10:34.510 --> 00:10:39.765
And then for an extra $10,
they throw in 4 pounds of garlic.

219
00:10:39.806 --> 00:10:42.518
Which, I don't know
if you know what 4 pounds of garlic looks like,

220
00:10:42.559 --> 00:10:45.812
but garlic weighs
slightly less than air.

221
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All right?

222
00:10:49.733 --> 00:10:52.361
So then,
they sent in a sales guy,

223
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which, you know, they didn't
have to do for pizza.

224
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And the sales guy was like,

225
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"Just so you guys know,

226
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"these Vidalia onions
are so sweet, you can eat 'em like an apple."

227
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It's just like,
"Get the fuck out of here."

228
00:11:05.457 --> 00:11:08.293
If I see someone
eating an onion like an apple,

229
00:11:08.335 --> 00:11:09.753
I'm calling the FBI.

230
00:11:11.338 --> 00:11:14.925
Like, that is
a tip of the iceberg situation,

231
00:11:14.967 --> 00:11:18.303
where he's like, "FBI,
I found the guy who did everything,

232
00:11:18.345 --> 00:11:20.806
"especially the weird stuff."

233
00:11:20.848 --> 00:11:22.391
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

234
00:11:22.432 --> 00:11:26.144
I still can't figure out
how this program existed.

235
00:11:26.186 --> 00:11:27.896
Like, I don't know.
The only thing I think of, it was like

236
00:11:27.938 --> 00:11:31.942
there was some farmer
who accidentally grew 2 million extra onions,

237
00:11:31.984 --> 00:11:33.610
and he's like,
"How do I get rid of these?"

238
00:11:33.652 --> 00:11:35.445
And he knows the principal.
And the principal is like,

239
00:11:35.487 --> 00:11:37.531
"Hey, I know a group of kids
who just want to be part of something."

240
00:11:37.573 --> 00:11:38.824
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

241
00:11:38.866 --> 00:11:40.868
"Just happy to be involved."
[LAUGHS]

242
00:11:42.578 --> 00:11:45.539
So, uh, I've been married
for eight years now.

243
00:11:45.581 --> 00:11:46.957
- [AUDIENCE CLAPPING]
- Oh.

244
00:11:46.999 --> 00:11:48.834
Thank you to a couple people.
Thank you.

245
00:11:50.919 --> 00:11:52.379
The first one was two years.

246
00:11:52.421 --> 00:11:53.839
The second one was six, uh...

247
00:11:54.673 --> 00:11:56.049
I combined my stats.

248
00:11:56.091 --> 00:11:57.885
My career total's eight years.

249
00:11:59.636 --> 00:12:03.098
I got two rings
is the way I look at it. That's the positive spin.

250
00:12:03.140 --> 00:12:04.850
Olajuwon numbers,
you know what I mean?

251
00:12:04.892 --> 00:12:06.143
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
- [CHUCKLES]

252
00:12:06.935 --> 00:12:08.520
So I am double divorced.

253
00:12:08.562 --> 00:12:11.523
Uh, so on one hand,
whoops. Uh...

254
00:12:12.232 --> 00:12:13.692
At the same time,

255
00:12:13.734 --> 00:12:16.904
if you get one divorce,
you are gonna want another one,

256
00:12:16.945 --> 00:12:18.864
all right?

257
00:12:18.906 --> 00:12:23.785
Otherwise, you're gonna
be chasing that high for the rest of your life.

258
00:12:23.827 --> 00:12:27.414
Like a retired astronaut
just staring at the moon every night, like,

259
00:12:27.456 --> 00:12:28.624
"How do I get back there?"

260
00:12:29.833 --> 00:12:30.918
[CHUCKLES]

261
00:12:32.169 --> 00:12:33.962
Yeah, if you haven't
had a divorce,

262
00:12:34.004 --> 00:12:36.381
highly recommend it, just...

263
00:12:36.423 --> 00:12:38.008
It's the... It's the best
thing in the world.

264
00:12:38.050 --> 00:12:39.718
Unless you don't want one,
they definitely don't.

265
00:12:39.760 --> 00:12:41.845
It's... [CHUCKLES]
It's horrible, if you don't want it, though.

266
00:12:43.347 --> 00:12:46.058
The first one, the day we split,

267
00:12:46.099 --> 00:12:47.809
uh, we're just ecstatic.

268
00:12:47.851 --> 00:12:49.186
We go separate ways.

269
00:12:49.228 --> 00:12:51.355
I get on the highway
and I'm just driving,

270
00:12:51.396 --> 00:12:54.399
just giddy driving,
nowhere in particular.

271
00:12:54.441 --> 00:12:59.029
I get pulled over,
going 98 in a 55.

272
00:12:59.071 --> 00:13:03.283
And I'm so happy,
I don't even understand what's happening.

273
00:13:03.325 --> 00:13:05.869
The cop comes up to my window.

274
00:13:05.911 --> 00:13:09.081
He's, like, nervous, you know,
and he's, like, hand on his hip.

275
00:13:09.122 --> 00:13:11.208
And he's like,
"What's going on?"

276
00:13:11.250 --> 00:13:14.211
And I just turned around,
just smiling, like, "Hello."

277
00:13:14.253 --> 00:13:15.379
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

278
00:13:15.420 --> 00:13:18.715
And he's like,
"This guy is crazy, okay."

279
00:13:18.757 --> 00:13:22.010
He was like,
"Do you have any idea how fast you were going?"

280
00:13:22.052 --> 00:13:23.470
And I was like...
[ENTHUSIASTICALLY] "How fast was it?"

281
00:13:23.512 --> 00:13:25.722
Like it was<i> Price Is Right</i>
or some shit.

282
00:13:26.849 --> 00:13:28.559
And he was like,
"You were going 98."

283
00:13:28.600 --> 00:13:30.352
And I was like,
"That's really fast."

284
00:13:30.394 --> 00:13:32.896
And he's like,
"What is happening right now?"

285
00:13:34.273 --> 00:13:36.608
[LAUGHING] And I said,
"Well, to tell the truth,

286
00:13:36.650 --> 00:13:40.737
"my wife and I just split,
and it was the worst marriage on Earth."

287
00:13:40.779 --> 00:13:43.448
He slowly lowers his glasses
and goes,

288
00:13:43.490 --> 00:13:44.867
"Hell, yeah, brother."

289
00:13:44.908 --> 00:13:46.785
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

290
00:13:46.827 --> 00:13:49.997
Shook my hand,
told me to have a good weekend.

291
00:13:50.038 --> 00:13:52.499
He goes back
and gets in his car.

292
00:13:52.541 --> 00:13:54.084
And then I'm looking
at my rearview mirror,

293
00:13:54.126 --> 00:13:56.712
I see him start to walk
towards me, and I'm like, "Ugh,

294
00:13:56.753 --> 00:13:59.840
"he must be required to give me
a ticket If he pulled me over."

295
00:13:59.882 --> 00:14:01.300
Comes to me,
bends down as he goes,

296
00:14:01.341 --> 00:14:02.551
"Hey, man,
I just wanna let you know.

297
00:14:02.593 --> 00:14:04.678
"There's a speed trap
at Exit 2. Look out."

298
00:14:04.720 --> 00:14:06.305
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

299
00:14:07.890 --> 00:14:10.392
Well, that guy's had
at least four divorces. [LAUGHS]

300
00:14:11.643 --> 00:14:13.061
That was a veteran move.

301
00:14:15.105 --> 00:14:16.064
[CHUCKLES]

302
00:14:17.566 --> 00:14:18.734
Nothing wrong
with being married.

303
00:14:18.775 --> 00:14:21.111
I'm like...
I'm for it, uh, in general.

304
00:14:21.153 --> 00:14:25.073
I probably would not
marry my ex-wives again, but I'm open to it in general.

305
00:14:25.115 --> 00:14:26.909
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
- Um...

306
00:14:27.618 --> 00:14:29.411
Yeah.

307
00:14:29.453 --> 00:14:32.206
Only... The only thing
I don't really like about it is wearing a ring.

308
00:14:32.247 --> 00:14:34.041
I did it because you do that.

309
00:14:34.082 --> 00:14:36.293
But it was just
never comfortable.

310
00:14:36.335 --> 00:14:39.922
And then I can't understand why

311
00:14:39.963 --> 00:14:42.049
humans fell for
the wedding ring.

312
00:14:42.090 --> 00:14:43.342
Like, centuries ago.

313
00:14:43.383 --> 00:14:45.761
It's just... It's bizarre.

314
00:14:45.802 --> 00:14:47.513
There was
a great sales pitch, though.

315
00:14:47.554 --> 00:14:49.765
Whoever came up with it
was like, "You know, it's...

316
00:14:49.806 --> 00:14:54.311
"The shape is endless,
so it represents your love for each other.

317
00:14:54.353 --> 00:14:56.980
"It's... It's never-ending."

318
00:14:57.022 --> 00:15:00.192
It's like, "Yeah, that,
or it's the one shape that won't fall off a finger.

319
00:15:00.234 --> 00:15:01.944
"What makes more sense there?"

320
00:15:01.985 --> 00:15:03.654
Like, you know what other
shapes are endless?

321
00:15:04.238 --> 00:15:05.948
All of them.

322
00:15:05.989 --> 00:15:09.743
That is the definition
of a shape, all right?

323
00:15:09.785 --> 00:15:11.828
If it's not endless,
it's called a line.

324
00:15:11.870 --> 00:15:14.164
All right? [CHUCKLES]

325
00:15:14.206 --> 00:15:17.960
You know what else is endless?
Olive Garden breadsticks.

326
00:15:18.001 --> 00:15:19.837
But no one ever gets married,

327
00:15:19.878 --> 00:15:21.880
and they're like, "Yeah,
now hold these breadsticks till one of you dies.

328
00:15:21.922 --> 00:15:23.882
[LAUGHING]

329
00:15:26.009 --> 00:15:27.719
So about three months ago,

330
00:15:27.761 --> 00:15:30.138
I got a Facebook invite
for an orgy.

331
00:15:30.931 --> 00:15:32.474
Which... Yeah.

332
00:15:32.516 --> 00:15:35.143
First of all, I didn't know
you could do that on Facebook.

333
00:15:35.185 --> 00:15:39.898
Uh, secondly,
nothing about me suggests I'd be an asset to group sex.

334
00:15:39.940 --> 00:15:41.316
[LAUGHING]

335
00:15:41.358 --> 00:15:43.735
Like, I'm more of a group
bowling kind of guy.

336
00:15:45.404 --> 00:15:47.531
Also like, I... I mean,

337
00:15:47.573 --> 00:15:50.200
I can't even handle
dirty talk. Like, I...

338
00:15:50.242 --> 00:15:52.619
Like women didn't talk
to me till I was 21,

339
00:15:52.661 --> 00:15:54.496
so the only thing I ever wanna
say during sex is like,

340
00:15:54.538 --> 00:15:56.623
"Thank you. Thank you so much."

341
00:15:56.665 --> 00:15:58.208
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

342
00:15:58.250 --> 00:16:00.419
"It's swell of you
to be here, ma'am." Like... [CHUCKLES]

343
00:16:02.504 --> 00:16:04.798
I don't wanna say anything
that could jeopardize her attendance.

344
00:16:04.840 --> 00:16:07.050
You know what I'm saying?

345
00:16:07.092 --> 00:16:10.637
Like, I dated someone
who wanted me to insult her.

346
00:16:10.679 --> 00:16:12.681
And I was like,
"You have no idea how far beyond

347
00:16:12.723 --> 00:16:14.850
- "my capabilities that is."
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

348
00:16:15.976 --> 00:16:17.102
Like... [CHUCKLES]

349
00:16:18.312 --> 00:16:21.023
But I... I gave it a shot.

350
00:16:21.064 --> 00:16:23.817
But I forgot to ask
for the parameters for the insults,

351
00:16:25.110 --> 00:16:27.446
which is vital information.

352
00:16:27.487 --> 00:16:29.114
I was like, "She's an economist.

353
00:16:29.156 --> 00:16:31.742
"I'll work with that."
Like... Like I treated it like a roast,

354
00:16:31.783 --> 00:16:35.245
which is apparently
not what you do. [LAUGHS]

355
00:16:35.287 --> 00:16:38.332
So we're in the moment,
and then I just go,

356
00:16:38.373 --> 00:16:41.001
"You didn't see the housing
bubble coming, you dumbass."

357
00:16:41.043 --> 00:16:42.461
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

358
00:16:43.629 --> 00:16:45.964
She was like,
"Not like that, please."

359
00:16:47.841 --> 00:16:50.636
I was like, "All right,
you trickle-down economics dipshit."

360
00:16:50.677 --> 00:16:52.012
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

361
00:16:52.054 --> 00:16:54.515
[LAUGHS] She was like,
"Can we stop forever?"

362
00:16:54.556 --> 00:16:56.725
I said, "Thank you very much.
I would love that."

363
00:16:57.935 --> 00:16:59.102
[LAUGHS]

364
00:16:59.144 --> 00:17:01.772
So... So back to the orgy.

365
00:17:01.813 --> 00:17:03.357
The woman who invited me,

366
00:17:03.398 --> 00:17:06.735
I only knew her
from one previous interaction.

367
00:17:06.777 --> 00:17:09.530
Ten years ago,
she booked me to perform

368
00:17:09.571 --> 00:17:13.242
- on a benefit
for the Make-A-Wish Foundation. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

369
00:17:13.283 --> 00:17:16.745
Yes. So, I'm just looking
at this invite, wondering,

370
00:17:16.787 --> 00:17:19.581
"Is this a Make-A-Wish
affiliated orgy?"

371
00:17:19.623 --> 00:17:21.708
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

372
00:17:21.750 --> 00:17:25.879
Like, is there some kid
who's like, "I'm not going out until I see one, all right?

373
00:17:27.631 --> 00:17:29.883
"Put it together.
I read the by-laws, all right?

374
00:17:29.925 --> 00:17:31.468
"A wish is a wish."

375
00:17:32.052 --> 00:17:33.887
[LAUGHING]

376
00:17:33.929 --> 00:17:36.056
At this point I'm like,
"I owe it to this... You know?"

377
00:17:36.098 --> 00:17:38.976
Yeah. So I clicked
interested, um...

378
00:17:39.017 --> 00:17:41.270
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

379
00:17:41.311 --> 00:17:44.273
I did it for two reasons,
one it is interesting.

380
00:17:44.314 --> 00:17:47.359
Uh, two, I felt like I had to.

381
00:17:47.401 --> 00:17:49.278
She only invited 20 people.

382
00:17:50.404 --> 00:17:52.197
Do you know how bold that is?

383
00:17:52.239 --> 00:17:56.368
Half the people you invite
to weddings don't show up.

384
00:17:56.410 --> 00:17:58.620
Like, so I'm thinking
to get a decent numbers for an orgy,

385
00:17:58.662 --> 00:18:01.748
you have to invite
at least 40 to 50,000 people.

386
00:18:04.001 --> 00:18:05.711
You invite 20 people,
you're gonna get

387
00:18:05.752 --> 00:18:07.337
three dudes sitting
in the kitchen like,

388
00:18:07.379 --> 00:18:08.964
"What do we fuck?
I have no idea."

389
00:18:09.006 --> 00:18:10.674
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

390
00:18:10.716 --> 00:18:14.011
"You wanna do the couch,
I'll do the pillows. Like, I don't know."

391
00:18:14.052 --> 00:18:16.180
Eventually, someone's like,
"They've got<i> Risk</i> in the closet.

392
00:18:16.221 --> 00:18:18.223
"You wanna fuck that up?"

393
00:18:18.265 --> 00:18:21.685
It eventually just turns
into a board game night.

394
00:18:21.727 --> 00:18:26.356
So I did not realize that
if you click "going" or "interested,"

395
00:18:26.398 --> 00:18:29.318
- it shows up in your feed.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

396
00:18:31.987 --> 00:18:35.407
The next day,
I get a notification

397
00:18:35.449 --> 00:18:39.703
that my mom commented
on the event.

398
00:18:41.830 --> 00:18:45.167
Every organ
in my body shut down.

399
00:18:45.209 --> 00:18:47.419
It felt like my bananas
were acting up again.

400
00:18:47.461 --> 00:18:49.796
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
- [RYAN LAUGHS]

401
00:18:51.089 --> 00:18:53.258
I was like,
"It's one of two nightmares,

402
00:18:53.300 --> 00:18:56.470
"either my mom thinks
I'm an orgy guy or much worse,

403
00:18:56.512 --> 00:18:59.056
"my mom is also invited
to this orgy."

404
00:18:59.097 --> 00:19:01.767
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

405
00:19:01.808 --> 00:19:04.853
It takes me a couple of minutes
to work up the courage

406
00:19:04.895 --> 00:19:06.939
to click on her comment.

407
00:19:06.980 --> 00:19:10.609
All it said was, "Hey, Ryan.
Just wondering when you're coming home for Christmas.

408
00:19:10.651 --> 00:19:11.652
"Let me know."

409
00:19:13.654 --> 00:19:17.783
I still have no idea
if she was fucking with me,

410
00:19:19.326 --> 00:19:22.454
if she doesn't understand
how Facebook works,

411
00:19:22.496 --> 00:19:25.916
or if she was like,
"You know, I never know what to get him for Christmas.

412
00:19:25.958 --> 00:19:28.335
"And apparently he likes
these 'or-gi' things,

413
00:19:28.377 --> 00:19:32.214
"so I'll just see if they
have them on Amazon. I don't know."

414
00:19:32.256 --> 00:19:34.550
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

415
00:19:34.591 --> 00:19:36.677
[RYAN LAUGHS]

416
00:19:36.718 --> 00:19:38.804
I was back home
a couple of years ago.

417
00:19:38.846 --> 00:19:41.765
One of my brothers
still lives with my parents.

418
00:19:41.807 --> 00:19:43.058
He's younger than me
and he's gay.

419
00:19:43.100 --> 00:19:44.768
That's gonna matter in a moment.

420
00:19:44.810 --> 00:19:47.688
- Uh... [LAUGHS]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

421
00:19:47.729 --> 00:19:50.107
So I get in late
the night before.

422
00:19:50.148 --> 00:19:51.608
He doesn't know I'm there.

423
00:19:51.650 --> 00:19:54.236
It's the next morning,
like 8:30,

424
00:19:54.278 --> 00:19:56.738
and our parents go to work.

425
00:19:56.780 --> 00:19:58.740
It's just me
and my brother in the house.

426
00:19:58.782 --> 00:20:00.576
I hear him open the door.

427
00:20:00.617 --> 00:20:03.412
Three other guys are
directly above me.

428
00:20:03.453 --> 00:20:05.747
They're talking
for a minute, all right?

429
00:20:05.789 --> 00:20:08.876
And then all of a sudden,
I hear music start blasting,

430
00:20:08.917 --> 00:20:11.420
and then I hear nothing
but like thumping

431
00:20:12.671 --> 00:20:13.714
and grunting

432
00:20:15.007 --> 00:20:18.343
and like rhythmic skin slaps.

433
00:20:18.385 --> 00:20:21.638
And I'm like, "Oh, no!
I know what this sound is,

434
00:20:21.680 --> 00:20:23.599
"because I've accidentally
clicked on it before."

435
00:20:23.640 --> 00:20:26.185
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

436
00:20:26.226 --> 00:20:28.312
Tiny thumbnails.
Don't use your phone.

437
00:20:28.353 --> 00:20:29.313
Um...

438
00:20:30.564 --> 00:20:32.316
And I want it to stop.

439
00:20:32.357 --> 00:20:35.903
But the liberal in me is like,
"Is it homophobic to ask him to stop?"

440
00:20:37.196 --> 00:20:39.364
But like, of course,
it's not homophobic

441
00:20:39.406 --> 00:20:41.658
to not wanna hear
your brother have an orgy.

442
00:20:41.700 --> 00:20:43.493
Like, no one should want

443
00:20:43.535 --> 00:20:46.496
to hear their sibling
have an orgy.

444
00:20:46.538 --> 00:20:48.665
But in the same time,
like how do I stop it?

445
00:20:48.707 --> 00:20:50.542
It's not like I can walk in
and be like,

446
00:20:50.584 --> 00:20:52.419
"Hey, could you stop
fucking my brother so loud?"

447
00:20:52.461 --> 00:20:55.088
Like, it's gonna ruin
everybody's week.

448
00:20:55.130 --> 00:20:56.507
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

449
00:20:56.548 --> 00:20:58.425
So I'm like, "I'm just gonna be
the cool big brother

450
00:20:58.467 --> 00:21:00.886
"and wait it out." You know?

451
00:21:00.928 --> 00:21:04.097
'Cause I'm like, "After all,
how long could this last?"

452
00:21:04.139 --> 00:21:08.018
95 minutes is
the answer. [LAUGHS]

453
00:21:09.311 --> 00:21:11.563
So credit where credit is due.

454
00:21:11.605 --> 00:21:13.649
Good job, fellas. Well done.

455
00:21:14.608 --> 00:21:15.776
You delivered.

456
00:21:16.985 --> 00:21:18.987
Once the music stops,

457
00:21:19.029 --> 00:21:22.783
I give it, like,
another ten minutes for the dust to settle. [LAUGHS]

458
00:21:22.824 --> 00:21:24.535
Whatever that is.

459
00:21:24.576 --> 00:21:26.578
You know when you walked
into a room right after someone's had sex,

460
00:21:26.620 --> 00:21:29.122
and you're like,
"What is in the..." [COUGHS]

461
00:21:29.164 --> 00:21:31.875
Like the air is haunted
by sperm ghosts or something.

462
00:21:31.917 --> 00:21:34.503
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

463
00:21:34.545 --> 00:21:37.881
So I wait those 10 minutes,
and I walk upstairs.

464
00:21:39.341 --> 00:21:40.926
Cautiously open the door.

465
00:21:40.968 --> 00:21:45.889
Here's my proof.
Four guys, shirtless, glistening with sweat.

466
00:21:45.931 --> 00:21:48.350
One guy is wearing a fedora,
which is never necessary.

467
00:21:48.392 --> 00:21:49.893
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

468
00:21:51.103 --> 00:21:52.479
My brother turns and sees me.

469
00:21:52.521 --> 00:21:55.399
He's like, "Oh, my gosh!
I am so sorry.

470
00:21:55.440 --> 00:21:57.651
"I had no idea you were here."

471
00:21:57.693 --> 00:22:00.571
And I was like,
"Oh, no, man. It's cool.

472
00:22:00.612 --> 00:22:03.991
"I'm, like, real laidback
about this stuff, you know.

473
00:22:04.032 --> 00:22:07.077
"You guys can keep going
if you want, you know...

474
00:22:07.119 --> 00:22:08.829
"I'm really progressive
and whatnot.

475
00:22:08.871 --> 00:22:11.540
"Uh... I'm just gonna get
some waffles,

476
00:22:11.582 --> 00:22:13.584
"and then go downstairs
and puncture my eardrums."

477
00:22:13.625 --> 00:22:15.169
- Um...
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

478
00:22:15.210 --> 00:22:19.423
[LAUGHS] And he goes,
"I'm so glad you're not mad.

479
00:22:19.464 --> 00:22:21.300
"If I'd known, we would've
done it outside.

480
00:22:21.341 --> 00:22:24.052
"But we were just having
a dance rehearsal."

481
00:22:24.094 --> 00:22:28.640
And I was like,
"Oh, the only thing gayer than an orgy. All right."

482
00:22:28.682 --> 00:22:31.268
- [LAUGHING]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

483
00:22:31.310 --> 00:22:34.354
And I told him I was like,
"Man, I was way more comfortable

484
00:22:34.396 --> 00:22:35.772
"when I thought you were
fucking each other."

485
00:22:37.274 --> 00:22:39.443
I was like, "I understand
why people have sex,

486
00:22:39.484 --> 00:22:41.111
"but I can't figure out
for the life of me,

487
00:22:41.153 --> 00:22:46.116
"why four 20-year-olds
had a dance rehearsal at 8:30 a.m."

488
00:22:46.158 --> 00:22:48.911
Like, if I had known
you were dancing the whole time,

489
00:22:48.952 --> 00:22:53.165
I would've barged
in immediately, just like, "Cut this shit out.

490
00:22:53.207 --> 00:22:55.584
"This is not how
you were raised, all right?

491
00:22:55.626 --> 00:22:57.961
"Now start fucking each other
or something, all right?"

492
00:23:01.215 --> 00:23:03.759
Several years ago,
I did shows in China.

493
00:23:03.800 --> 00:23:07.054
There's a lot of, like,
English speaking expats there.

494
00:23:07.095 --> 00:23:10.849
and before I went,
I was like, "I don't wanna be the stereotype of the, like,

495
00:23:10.891 --> 00:23:13.936
"arrogant, ignorant American,
who goes to another country

496
00:23:13.977 --> 00:23:15.604
"and doesn't speak
any of the language."

497
00:23:15.646 --> 00:23:17.731
So I was like, "Let me learn
Chinese real quick."

498
00:23:17.773 --> 00:23:19.566
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
- [RYAN CHUCKLES]

499
00:23:19.608 --> 00:23:23.820
Which is the most
like arrogant and ignorant thing anyone has ever thought.

500
00:23:25.364 --> 00:23:27.282
I studied Mandarin
for several weeks.

501
00:23:27.324 --> 00:23:30.619
At the end of that time,
the only phrase I could say was,

502
00:23:30.661 --> 00:23:33.205
"The man rides a horse."

503
00:23:33.247 --> 00:23:35.457
That was it.
Not the most useful phrase.

504
00:23:35.499 --> 00:23:37.125
I don't think
I've ever said it in English,

505
00:23:37.167 --> 00:23:39.378
except in this moment. [LAUGHS]

506
00:23:39.419 --> 00:23:41.547
Like there's no scenario
where it's gonna come up,

507
00:23:41.588 --> 00:23:44.424
like I'm just gonna attend
an equestrian event.

508
00:23:44.466 --> 00:23:48.053
I'm next to a guy who, like,
just got out of a coma

509
00:23:48.095 --> 00:23:52.516
that he's been in ever since
before horses came out.

510
00:23:52.558 --> 00:23:54.226
And he's like, "Hey, man,
what does the man ride?"

511
00:23:54.268 --> 00:23:56.353
I'm like, "Uh, the man rides
a horse, actually.

512
00:23:57.396 --> 00:23:58.730
"It was Chapter 2.

513
00:23:58.772 --> 00:24:00.399
"I'm surprised you didn't..."

514
00:24:00.440 --> 00:24:01.817
So, I was like, "I give up.

515
00:24:01.859 --> 00:24:04.444
"I'm not smart enough to learn
this language." [LAUGHS]

516
00:24:04.486 --> 00:24:07.656
So I was like, as long as
I can say, "Thank you," I'm fine.

517
00:24:07.698 --> 00:24:10.659
So I go to China,
I'm just saying "thank you" nonstop.

518
00:24:10.701 --> 00:24:12.703
Left and right, just,
"Thank you, thank you, thank you."

519
00:24:12.744 --> 00:24:16.164
[LAUGHS] After several hours,
my translator goes,

520
00:24:16.206 --> 00:24:20.586
"Hey, Ryan, um, you know,
uh, when you think you're saying thank you,

521
00:24:20.627 --> 00:24:22.462
"you're actually saying
'smoking'?"

522
00:24:22.504 --> 00:24:26.008
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

523
00:24:26.049 --> 00:24:27.759
I was like, "Why did you start
that sentence with 'you know'?"

524
00:24:27.801 --> 00:24:31.471
[LAUGHS] I obviously
did not know that.

525
00:24:31.513 --> 00:24:35.517
I would not consciously
be getting change back and then going, "Smoking?"

526
00:24:35.559 --> 00:24:37.352
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

527
00:24:40.564 --> 00:24:42.107
So I was like,
"What am I saying?"

528
00:24:42.149 --> 00:24:43.609
And he was like,
"You're saying 'shi-shi.'"

529
00:24:43.650 --> 00:24:45.777
And I said, "What should
I be saying?"

530
00:24:45.819 --> 00:24:48.363
He's like, "Shi-shien."
And I'm like, "Well, fuck me. That sounds exactly the same."

531
00:24:48.405 --> 00:24:51.366
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

532
00:24:51.408 --> 00:24:54.077
So then he teaches me,
and then he's like, "Oh, you're saying it perfectly.

533
00:24:54.119 --> 00:24:55.662
"That's perfect."

534
00:24:55.704 --> 00:24:57.539
So then I'm doing it
for a couple of days, right?

535
00:24:57.581 --> 00:25:00.918
And then he finally stops me
and goes, "Hey, Ryan, um..."

536
00:25:00.959 --> 00:25:03.295
And I'm like, "Smoking again?"
He goes, "No, much worse."

537
00:25:03.337 --> 00:25:05.130
Uh...

538
00:25:05.172 --> 00:25:07.090
He's like, "Now,
instead of saying 'thank you,'

539
00:25:07.132 --> 00:25:09.426
"you're actually saying
a woman's name."

540
00:25:09.468 --> 00:25:10.636
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

541
00:25:10.677 --> 00:25:14.014
That's significantly
creepier than smoking.

542
00:25:14.056 --> 00:25:15.933
Just imagine I'm doing
a transaction.

543
00:25:15.974 --> 00:25:18.477
I buy something
and then I just go, "Stephanie?"

544
00:25:18.519 --> 00:25:20.270
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

545
00:25:21.522 --> 00:25:23.023
You're like, "No."

546
00:25:24.775 --> 00:25:26.777
Or it's much weirder
if it's "yes."

547
00:25:26.818 --> 00:25:29.780
'Cause then like,
"What kind of scavenger hunt are you playing?

548
00:25:29.821 --> 00:25:31.698
"Am I safe right now?"

549
00:25:32.407 --> 00:25:33.534
[LAUGHS]

550
00:25:36.787 --> 00:25:39.581
It was funny, man.
Like, there's so many American expats.

551
00:25:39.623 --> 00:25:40.999
I hung out
with this one guy one night.

552
00:25:41.041 --> 00:25:42.709
He was out of his mind.

553
00:25:42.751 --> 00:25:44.086
He lived in China and Shanghai

554
00:25:44.127 --> 00:25:45.671
for like nine years
at this point.

555
00:25:45.712 --> 00:25:47.422
And he goes, "Dude,
I'm never going back to the States,

556
00:25:47.464 --> 00:25:50.050
because China is
way more free than the US.

557
00:25:50.092 --> 00:25:51.468
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

558
00:25:51.510 --> 00:25:54.721
And I was like, "Dude,
there's police at all my shows

559
00:25:54.763 --> 00:25:57.349
"making sure that
I don't mention 'democracy.'"

560
00:25:57.391 --> 00:25:59.184
[LAUGHS]

561
00:25:59.226 --> 00:26:01.812
"Like, I will literally
be taken straight to the airport if I do that."

562
00:26:01.854 --> 00:26:05.274
And he goes, "Yeah, but here
I can just go outside and piss in the street."

563
00:26:05.315 --> 00:26:06.942
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

564
00:26:06.984 --> 00:26:09.111
He's like, "If I did that
at home, I'm gonna get a ticket."

565
00:26:09.152 --> 00:26:11.446
And I'm like, "Yeah,
'cause you should get a ticket. Like..."

566
00:26:11.488 --> 00:26:13.323
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

567
00:26:13.365 --> 00:26:16.493
"Public urination is
a bigger issue for you than voting rights? Like..."

568
00:26:16.535 --> 00:26:19.121
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

569
00:26:19.162 --> 00:26:20.914
"Maybe we don't want
you back at home then.

570
00:26:20.956 --> 00:26:22.749
"I don't know.

571
00:26:22.791 --> 00:26:24.793
"If you're just gonna come home
and complain that you can't take

572
00:26:24.835 --> 00:26:26.461
"a shit at Food Lion, like..."

573
00:26:26.503 --> 00:26:28.338
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

574
00:26:28.380 --> 00:26:31.133
He's like, "I went into
Burger King. I just tried to jerk off in the lobby

575
00:26:31.175 --> 00:26:33.218
"and they arrested me.

576
00:26:33.260 --> 00:26:36.471
"What, is Burger King,
run by Chairman Mao or something?"

577
00:26:37.139 --> 00:26:38.473
[LAUGHS]

578
00:26:38.515 --> 00:26:39.474
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

579
00:26:40.559 --> 00:26:41.852
So my first night...

580
00:26:41.894 --> 00:26:43.937
[CHUCKLES]

581
00:26:43.979 --> 00:26:46.523
First night,
the promoter pulls me aside

582
00:26:46.565 --> 00:26:49.026
before the show and he goes,
"Hey, I just got to warn you,

583
00:26:49.067 --> 00:26:51.904
"uh, there are
a couple scams going around."

584
00:26:51.945 --> 00:26:53.614
And I was like,
"I'm pretty savvy.

585
00:26:53.655 --> 00:26:56.950
"Uh, I don't think
I'm gonna fall for these, whatever they are."

586
00:26:56.992 --> 00:26:58.577
And then he tells me the scams.

587
00:26:58.619 --> 00:27:00.245
I was like, "Yeah,
I actually fell for both of those already."

588
00:27:00.287 --> 00:27:01.705
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

589
00:27:01.747 --> 00:27:03.916
I just didn't realize
there were scams.

590
00:27:03.957 --> 00:27:06.084
I just thought Shanghai
was extremely expensive.

591
00:27:07.669 --> 00:27:09.922
So here's what they were.
The first one I got tricked

592
00:27:09.963 --> 00:27:14.510
into buying some art
for about a 1600% markup,

593
00:27:14.551 --> 00:27:16.553
I later found out. [CHUCKLES]

594
00:27:16.595 --> 00:27:21.225
So, but whatever,
at least it's art. It's something I can keep.

595
00:27:21.266 --> 00:27:24.269
The worst one was
I'm walking back to my hotel with my art.

596
00:27:24.311 --> 00:27:27.523
- [CLICKS TONGUE]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

597
00:27:27.564 --> 00:27:30.734
And these... These three women
who must have seen the art

598
00:27:30.776 --> 00:27:32.528
and been like, "Got him." And...

599
00:27:32.569 --> 00:27:35.489
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

600
00:27:35.531 --> 00:27:37.115
One of them goes,
"Hey, are you American?"

601
00:27:37.157 --> 00:27:39.034
I was like, "Yes, I am.

602
00:27:40.786 --> 00:27:42.412
"Do you have
an opportunity for me?"

603
00:27:42.454 --> 00:27:45.916
Like, just, not the way
to respond

604
00:27:45.958 --> 00:27:49.169
to "Are you an American?"
in another country.

605
00:27:49.211 --> 00:27:52.756
And she goes,
"Well, have you been to the tea ceremony yet?"

606
00:27:52.798 --> 00:27:56.677
And I was like,
"I didn't know there was one. Tell me about it."

607
00:27:56.718 --> 00:27:59.137
And she's like,
"Well, it's only here every 300 years."

608
00:27:59.179 --> 00:28:03.350
And I believed that shit.
Like, she picked a unit of time

609
00:28:03.392 --> 00:28:06.937
that no one measures
anything by, and I'm like, "Woo-hoo! What luck?"

610
00:28:11.066 --> 00:28:14.653
So they lead me
to what can only be described

611
00:28:14.695 --> 00:28:16.905
as an abandoned mall.

612
00:28:16.947 --> 00:28:18.198
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

613
00:28:18.240 --> 00:28:22.911
Gigantic, three-story mall,
completely vacant,

614
00:28:22.953 --> 00:28:25.581
except for this one
back hallway they take me down,

615
00:28:25.622 --> 00:28:27.457
where I'm like,
"Okay, I'm either gonna die

616
00:28:27.499 --> 00:28:30.502
"or they're just keeping
the fucking tea party under wraps.

617
00:28:30.544 --> 00:28:31.587
"Maybe that's it."

618
00:28:31.628 --> 00:28:33.213
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

619
00:28:33.255 --> 00:28:34.965
I'm thinking when we get there,
since the tea party is so hot,

620
00:28:35.007 --> 00:28:36.425
there's gonna be a line.

621
00:28:36.466 --> 00:28:38.051
Believe it or not, I'm the only
person at the tea party.

622
00:28:39.303 --> 00:28:42.264
I go in. I take six sips of tea,

623
00:28:42.306 --> 00:28:43.974
just one of each
of these things.

624
00:28:44.016 --> 00:28:45.767
It was delicious.

625
00:28:45.809 --> 00:28:48.896
Uh, and I was like,
"Well, this is probably five dollars well spent.

626
00:28:48.937 --> 00:28:50.856
And, uh... [CHUCKLES]

627
00:28:50.898 --> 00:28:52.191
They give me the check.

628
00:28:52.232 --> 00:28:56.195
- $160 US.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

629
00:28:56.236 --> 00:28:59.448
For six sips of tea.

630
00:28:59.489 --> 00:29:03.827
The crazy thing is,
I had exactly $160 in my pocket.

631
00:29:03.869 --> 00:29:05.996
So I was like,
"Are you guys working with David Blaine or something?

632
00:29:06.038 --> 00:29:10.501
"Like, how do you know
exactly how much money I have?"

633
00:29:10.542 --> 00:29:12.753
And then the woman goes,
she was like, "Well, you know, if you need to,

634
00:29:12.794 --> 00:29:14.379
"you can go
to the ATM right now."

635
00:29:14.421 --> 00:29:17.883
And I was thinking,
"That's perfect. I'll just run."

636
00:29:17.925 --> 00:29:19.510
And then I was like,
"Wait a minute. I don't know what happens

637
00:29:19.551 --> 00:29:22.179
"in China if you just
run out on a bill." [LAUGHS]

638
00:29:22.221 --> 00:29:25.641
I don't wanna, like,
find myself waking up in some leaky torture dungeon

639
00:29:25.682 --> 00:29:27.267
with people doing shit
to my joints.

640
00:29:27.309 --> 00:29:30.020
[CHUCKLES] So...
And I also didn't wanna leave my art behind

641
00:29:30.062 --> 00:29:31.772
because at the time
I didn't know it was scam art.

642
00:29:31.813 --> 00:29:33.649
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

643
00:29:37.110 --> 00:29:40.155
So I pull all my money
out of my pocket and I start to pay her.

644
00:29:40.197 --> 00:29:42.449
But I'm...
I'm furious, obviously.

645
00:29:42.491 --> 00:29:44.368
And with each bill
I put down, I'm like,

646
00:29:44.409 --> 00:29:46.912
"Fuck you, Fuck you! Fuck you!"

647
00:29:46.954 --> 00:29:49.039
And she can tell I'm pissed off,
because I just keep saying,

648
00:29:49.081 --> 00:29:50.457
"Fuck you," you know?

649
00:29:52.167 --> 00:29:54.586
So then, she wants me
to think it's worth it.

650
00:29:54.628 --> 00:29:56.463
So she... she does
this little sales pitch.

651
00:29:56.505 --> 00:29:58.882
She was like,
"Well, you know, uh, this is actually

652
00:29:58.924 --> 00:30:02.344
"a very luxurious experience
because if you notice that

653
00:30:02.386 --> 00:30:08.350
when I pour
the hot water in the cup, a dragon appears on the side.

654
00:30:10.853 --> 00:30:13.689
And I was like, "Yeah,
we have that same technology on our Coors Light cans.

655
00:30:13.730 --> 00:30:15.190
"Like I'm not...

656
00:30:15.232 --> 00:30:18.151
"I'm not impressed
by your fucking dragon cup."

657
00:30:18.193 --> 00:30:20.237
And then I called her
"Stephanie" and I left.

658
00:30:20.279 --> 00:30:21.238
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

659
00:30:23.949 --> 00:30:28.620
I can't believe I had the gall
to think that I can speak Mandarin. [CHUCKLES]

660
00:30:28.662 --> 00:30:31.957
I could barely speak English
when I was a kid.

661
00:30:31.999 --> 00:30:34.042
Like I... I lived in the South
when I was really little,

662
00:30:34.084 --> 00:30:35.544
and then I moved
to the D.C. area,

663
00:30:35.586 --> 00:30:38.088
and found out I didn't know
how to say my own name.

664
00:30:38.130 --> 00:30:40.966
All right? Ryan could not
be more straightforward,

665
00:30:41.008 --> 00:30:42.968
but in the town
where I was from,

666
00:30:43.010 --> 00:30:45.179
it's pronounced...
[HIGH-PITCHED] "Raan!"

667
00:30:45.220 --> 00:30:46.471
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

668
00:30:46.513 --> 00:30:49.975
It's like an "R"
and seven pages of "I's."

669
00:30:50.017 --> 00:30:53.437
It's also the sound you get
when you throw a cat through the air.

670
00:30:53.478 --> 00:30:55.439
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

671
00:30:55.480 --> 00:30:57.608
[RYAN LAUGHS]

672
00:30:57.649 --> 00:30:59.943
So I was like, "Ryan?"
I'm like, "What is that?"

673
00:31:01.153 --> 00:31:02.279
Is that a vegetable?

674
00:31:04.281 --> 00:31:07.701
I... I love
Southern accents, though. Like, it's so melodic.

675
00:31:07.743 --> 00:31:10.287
Like, I have one uncle
who talks so slowly

676
00:31:10.329 --> 00:31:12.873
that when he gets to
the end of a sentence,

677
00:31:12.915 --> 00:31:16.168
you've already forgot
what the beginning was.

678
00:31:16.210 --> 00:31:18.754
So every time he pauses,
I just go, "Well, shit."

679
00:31:18.795 --> 00:31:20.464
And he goes...
[YELLS] "Damn right!"

680
00:31:24.801 --> 00:31:27.012
That's...

681
00:31:27.054 --> 00:31:30.724
That's every conversation
I have with that uncle.

682
00:31:30.766 --> 00:31:32.476
I see a part of my family
every year at Christmas,

683
00:31:32.518 --> 00:31:34.186
and it is hilarious
because my uncles are just...

684
00:31:34.228 --> 00:31:36.230
All they want to talk about
is directions.

685
00:31:36.271 --> 00:31:37.606
Just, "Hey,
which way did you come here?"

686
00:31:39.525 --> 00:31:40.526
"What road did you take?"

687
00:31:42.069 --> 00:31:45.697
"You take 220, or you take 460?

688
00:31:45.739 --> 00:31:48.700
"Did you go north, then east?
Or did you go east, then north?

689
00:31:49.535 --> 00:31:51.620
"Was there traffic on 460?

690
00:31:51.662 --> 00:31:53.789
"You know, they put that
light in. They shouldn't have put that light in.

691
00:31:53.830 --> 00:31:55.832
"We don't need any lights.
We don't need lights.

692
00:31:57.459 --> 00:31:59.211
"Which way are you
going to go back?"

693
00:31:59.253 --> 00:32:02.840
I'm like, "What are you going
to do with this data? Why do you...

694
00:32:02.881 --> 00:32:05.551
"What are you collecting
this information for?"

695
00:32:07.261 --> 00:32:08.220
[LAUGHS]

696
00:32:09.888 --> 00:32:11.890
"So. which way did you come?"

697
00:32:11.932 --> 00:32:14.059
I'm like, "I don't know,
I just put it in my GPS."

698
00:32:15.185 --> 00:32:17.354
"GPS?"

699
00:32:17.396 --> 00:32:20.691
"You need a robot to tell you
how to get to your grandma's house?"

700
00:32:22.401 --> 00:32:24.486
I'm like, "No, no, it's just
the easiest thing to do."

701
00:32:24.528 --> 00:32:27.239
And he's like, "No,
what you need to do is..."

702
00:32:27.281 --> 00:32:29.283
I'm like,
"No, what I need to do is put it in my GPS,"

703
00:32:29.324 --> 00:32:32.619
"so I don't have to look
for the weird tree you're gonna describe."

704
00:32:32.661 --> 00:32:36.999
I'm like, "Why does anyone give
anyone directions anymore?"

705
00:32:37.040 --> 00:32:39.418
Like, my dad gave me
these directions.

706
00:32:39.459 --> 00:32:43.755
He's like, "You're gonna
go down 220 about three, four, could be six,

707
00:32:43.797 --> 00:32:46.091
"maybe up to 12 miles.

708
00:32:46.133 --> 00:32:49.428
"You're gonna make a right
at the post, okay?

709
00:32:49.469 --> 00:32:53.390
"You can't miss it
because it's the only post on that road.

710
00:32:53.432 --> 00:32:54.808
"There's other poles...

711
00:32:55.642 --> 00:32:56.685
"and columns.

712
00:32:56.727 --> 00:32:58.020
"This is the only post.

713
00:32:59.938 --> 00:33:04.109
"You're gonna go down
about six, eight, nine miles, possibly.

714
00:33:04.151 --> 00:33:09.573
"You're gonna make a left where
the Thompson hot dog place was, that burned down in '86."

715
00:33:11.700 --> 00:33:14.578
I'm like,
"It burned down in '86?"

716
00:33:14.620 --> 00:33:17.206
And he goes, "Yeah,
but it still feels like hot dogs there."

717
00:33:19.249 --> 00:33:25.672
It's like, "Dad, I don't have
this phantom hot dog sense you think I have."

718
00:33:25.714 --> 00:33:28.467
And then he just goes,
"Then you've been in the city too long."

719
00:33:31.094 --> 00:33:32.930
That's his answer to everything.

720
00:33:32.971 --> 00:33:35.974
Like, I don't have any, like...
I don't have any, like, survival skills,

721
00:33:36.016 --> 00:33:39.019
to be honest, I don't...
[SPUTTERS] You don't really need them, you know.

722
00:33:39.061 --> 00:33:42.648
We've got walls and shit.
[LAUGHS]

723
00:33:42.689 --> 00:33:46.193
You don't really have to be
able to survive.

724
00:33:46.235 --> 00:33:50.822
They... They had me
in Cub Scouts when I was little, and I quit when I was seven,

725
00:33:50.864 --> 00:33:53.992
because I realized
that everything they taught me in Cub Scouts

726
00:33:54.034 --> 00:33:57.829
was a survival tool
in case I got lost in the woods.

727
00:33:57.871 --> 00:34:01.875
And then I realized
the only time I had ever been in the woods

728
00:34:01.917 --> 00:34:03.418
was with the Cub Scouts.

729
00:34:05.754 --> 00:34:08.549
So I was like,
"If I just cut these guys out of the equation, I'm safe."

730
00:34:08.590 --> 00:34:09.967
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

731
00:34:10.968 --> 00:34:12.761
I'm not kidding.

732
00:34:12.803 --> 00:34:16.765
I'm not gonna run into a bear
at the Boys & Girls Club, you know.

733
00:34:16.807 --> 00:34:19.893
There's not gonna be a scenario
where I'm playing video games with my friends and you're like,

734
00:34:19.935 --> 00:34:24.189
"Hey, someone tie a square knot
or we're all gonna drown."

735
00:34:24.231 --> 00:34:30.612
It's like, specifically
Cub Scout dangers. It's... It's so absurd.

736
00:34:30.654 --> 00:34:34.533
Like... Like they prepare you
for unnecessary danger

737
00:34:34.575 --> 00:34:37.786
and then just subject you to it
as a 7-year-old.

738
00:34:37.828 --> 00:34:40.497
Just camping with
wolves and bears and shit.

739
00:34:40.539 --> 00:34:43.292
Like, it'd be like
if you took a self-defense class

740
00:34:43.333 --> 00:34:47.129
and the end of the first class
they were like, "All right, send in the murderers."

741
00:34:48.547 --> 00:34:50.883
"Oh, you're struggling?
Then you should've listened.

742
00:34:50.924 --> 00:34:52.593
"You should've listened,
all right?"

743
00:34:54.845 --> 00:34:56.972
So, I was born in 1980.

744
00:34:57.014 --> 00:34:59.850
A lot of Cub Scouts
going around when I was a kid.

745
00:34:59.892 --> 00:35:01.310
A lot of DARE program.

746
00:35:02.561 --> 00:35:04.897
A whole lot of DARE program.

747
00:35:04.938 --> 00:35:07.649
Look, even as a kid,
it was clearly absurd.

748
00:35:07.691 --> 00:35:11.570
Like, it's based on
the idea that marijuana is a gateway to harder drugs.

749
00:35:11.612 --> 00:35:14.156
They always backed it up
with stats that were clearly made up.

750
00:35:15.782 --> 00:35:17.409
Like, I remember
our DARE officers saying,

751
00:35:17.451 --> 00:35:22.706
"Well, 95% of people
who smoke crack also smoke marijuana."

752
00:35:22.748 --> 00:35:25.918
That's obviously made up,
because crackheads don't take surveys.

753
00:35:28.837 --> 00:35:33.091
All right? Like, where did you
get the figures from, man, like...

754
00:35:33.133 --> 00:35:37.346
Are you really trying to tell us
there's a socially conscious crack dealer?

755
00:35:37.387 --> 00:35:41.850
Who is quizzing crackheads
and then reporting back to the government, like...

756
00:35:44.770 --> 00:35:48.106
Then, the...
The most ridiculous stat was, uh...

757
00:35:48.148 --> 00:35:52.402
And they thought
they could get this on us because it has a fraction in it.

758
00:35:52.444 --> 00:35:56.657
There are like, uh...
One-third of people who die in car accidents

759
00:35:56.698 --> 00:35:59.743
go on to test positive
for marijuana.

760
00:35:59.785 --> 00:36:01.370
I'm like, "Only one-third?"

761
00:36:01.411 --> 00:36:03.038
That just means
if you don't smoke weed,

762
00:36:03.080 --> 00:36:05.707
you're twice as likely
to die in a car accident.

763
00:36:08.669 --> 00:36:11.171
That's the best
pro pot statement I've ever heard in my life.

764
00:36:13.048 --> 00:36:14.925
It's ridiculous.

765
00:36:14.967 --> 00:36:17.219
Here is the absurd part
of the DARE program.

766
00:36:17.261 --> 00:36:19.263
They start it when you're seven.

767
00:36:19.304 --> 00:36:23.517
I'm like, "I'm seven years old.
Why are you teaching me about heroin? Like..."

768
00:36:23.559 --> 00:36:26.728
I... I could not figure it out.
Like, I couldn't even tie my shoes.

769
00:36:26.770 --> 00:36:30.315
Like, what makes you think
I could work a syringe?

770
00:36:30.357 --> 00:36:34.695
Like, you really think
I'm gonna be lighting up a spoon in the bathroom?

771
00:36:34.736 --> 00:36:37.948
I'm not even allowed
to touch a lighter, all right?

772
00:36:37.990 --> 00:36:42.202
Also, my allowance
was $5 every other week.

773
00:36:42.244 --> 00:36:45.914
Like, I'd have to
save up 2 months just to buy generic Tylenol.

774
00:36:47.457 --> 00:36:49.293
I remember the...
the DARE officer,

775
00:36:49.334 --> 00:36:52.754
he would bring the, uh...
He would do the presentation in the classroom.

776
00:36:52.796 --> 00:36:57.718
He'd have this case with,
like, 40 windows in it. Each had a different drug in it.

777
00:36:57.759 --> 00:37:00.804
And now I'm an adult.
I know there are only, like, five drugs.

778
00:37:00.846 --> 00:37:02.806
So what the fuck were they...

779
00:37:04.266 --> 00:37:07.936
What were they trying
to tell us was in there?

780
00:37:07.978 --> 00:37:11.398
They'd finish the presentation
and go, "All right. Any questions?"

781
00:37:11.440 --> 00:37:15.777
We're like, "No, we do not have
any questions about meth, sir. Like, we're seven."

782
00:37:15.819 --> 00:37:18.322
You think someone's
going, "Yeah, okay. So if I get Sudafed PM

783
00:37:18.363 --> 00:37:20.949
and I crush that up real good,
put some ethanol in it...

784
00:37:20.991 --> 00:37:22.701
Put that on the streets
within 48 hours...

785
00:37:25.120 --> 00:37:27.581
We don't... No, We don't have
meth questions, man.

786
00:37:28.999 --> 00:37:30.250
He was like,
"No questions at all?"

787
00:37:30.292 --> 00:37:31.752
I'm like, "Uh,
I have one question."

788
00:37:31.793 --> 00:37:33.045
He's like, "Yeah, young man."

789
00:37:33.086 --> 00:37:34.922
I'm like,
"Yeah, is that a real dog?"

790
00:37:37.132 --> 00:37:39.384
He was like,
"Yes, it is a real dog."

791
00:37:39.426 --> 00:37:40.969
I'm like, "No further questions,
Your Honor."

792
00:37:41.011 --> 00:37:42.304
"That's... That's all I got."

793
00:37:45.140 --> 00:37:48.769
We did a, we did a...
We did a field trip to the county jail.

794
00:37:50.270 --> 00:37:52.231
Do you know how absurd that is?

795
00:37:52.272 --> 00:37:56.401
In third grade, we did
a field trip to the... This wasn't<i> Scared Straight!.</i>

796
00:37:56.443 --> 00:37:57.653
This is just a class,

797
00:38:00.113 --> 00:38:01.865
not to look at the jail,

798
00:38:01.907 --> 00:38:06.036
we served six hours of time
behind bars

799
00:38:07.120 --> 00:38:09.331
with other people
who were in jail.

800
00:38:11.166 --> 00:38:16.213
We spent an entire school day
behind bars.

801
00:38:16.255 --> 00:38:19.883
Our teacher was on the outside
like a guard.

802
00:38:19.925 --> 00:38:23.720
And we sat on this, like,
long, like, picnic table thing,

803
00:38:23.762 --> 00:38:27.850
just watching guys
play dominoes for cigarettes.

804
00:38:27.891 --> 00:38:30.686
That was our field trip.
And we're, you know, when you're eight years old,

805
00:38:30.727 --> 00:38:33.939
you have that thing where
you're, like, you think you can blend in with adults.

806
00:38:33.981 --> 00:38:38.110
Like you don't realize
that it's pretty clear you're a kid.

807
00:38:38.151 --> 00:38:39.987
So you're just like,
"Hey, what... What are you in for, man?

808
00:38:40.028 --> 00:38:40.988
"What are you in for?"

809
00:38:42.281 --> 00:38:45.200
"Oh, arson. Cool, cool."

810
00:38:45.242 --> 00:38:47.995
"Me? Uh, I shouldn't say,
I shouldn't say."

811
00:38:48.036 --> 00:38:50.789
"Field trip?"
"Yeah, actually, Yes. Field trip. Yes."

812
00:38:50.831 --> 00:38:53.542
"Very ill-advised field trip
is what I'm in for."

813
00:38:53.584 --> 00:38:55.460
"How could you tell?
Is it because I'm three feet tall

814
00:38:55.502 --> 00:38:57.254
and wearing a T-shirt
that says 'soccer'?"

815
00:38:57.296 --> 00:38:58.839
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
- "Is that..."

816
00:39:05.345 --> 00:39:08.557
It's so crazy that
weed is, like, so vilified

817
00:39:08.599 --> 00:39:11.268
when, like, really
the only negative side effect

818
00:39:11.310 --> 00:39:14.396
is it makes you
misunderstand documentaries.

819
00:39:16.356 --> 00:39:18.567
And then give
the wrong information to your friends.

820
00:39:19.735 --> 00:39:21.403
One of my little brothers
is a pothead.

821
00:39:21.445 --> 00:39:23.488
And I watched
this documentary with him

822
00:39:23.530 --> 00:39:28.035
about this blind guy
who gets around using echolocation.

823
00:39:28.076 --> 00:39:30.537
Have you ever seen the guy
ticks with his mouth?

824
00:39:30.579 --> 00:39:32.998
He can tell
what his surroundings are based off the sound waves.

825
00:39:33.040 --> 00:39:34.416
It's... It's amazing.

826
00:39:34.458 --> 00:39:36.376
So there's a scene where
he's going down the street

827
00:39:36.418 --> 00:39:38.462
and he's like...
[CLICKS TONGUE]

828
00:39:38.504 --> 00:39:40.380
He's like, "There's a trash can
on my left." [CLICKS TONGUE] "Car on the right."

829
00:39:40.422 --> 00:39:42.341
You know...
"Fire hydrant on the left."

830
00:39:42.382 --> 00:39:46.345
We're both amazed,
but for different reasons.

831
00:39:46.386 --> 00:39:50.599
He turns to me and goes,
"So, like, can he talk to dolphins, then?"

832
00:39:50.641 --> 00:39:52.559
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

833
00:39:54.228 --> 00:39:56.772
Oh, no.

834
00:39:56.813 --> 00:40:00.484
I was like, "Why do you think
this is an infomercial for Rosetta Stone Dolphin?

835
00:40:01.985 --> 00:40:05.489
"Why did language
even enter your mind?"

836
00:40:05.531 --> 00:40:08.242
He's like, "Well, he's talking
to trash cans, isn't he?"

837
00:40:08.283 --> 00:40:11.119
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

838
00:40:11.161 --> 00:40:14.289
I'm like, "No, he's not
talking to trash cans."

839
00:40:14.331 --> 00:40:17.376
He goes, "Then how else would
he know it's a trash can?"

840
00:40:19.002 --> 00:40:20.462
I was like, "You think
he's like... [CLICKS TONGUE]

841
00:40:20.504 --> 00:40:22.089
and it's like...
[HIGH-PITCHED] 'I'm a trash can.'"

842
00:40:23.715 --> 00:40:24.925
He was like, "Basically."

843
00:40:27.052 --> 00:40:29.137
I was like, "Man..."
[SIGHS]

844
00:40:29.179 --> 00:40:32.933
"I just realized that's not even
the dumbest thing you're saying here.

845
00:40:32.975 --> 00:40:35.394
"It's what you're implying.

846
00:40:35.435 --> 00:40:38.856
"Which is that dolphins
can also talk to trash cans."

847
00:40:38.897 --> 00:40:40.524
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

848
00:40:42.568 --> 00:40:46.196
And I think I've got him
at this point, and he just goes,

849
00:40:46.238 --> 00:40:49.157
"Lot of people throw trash
in the ocean, so..."

850
00:40:49.199 --> 00:40:51.326
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

851
00:40:51.368 --> 00:40:54.454
That's his closing argument.
Just locking the fingers.

852
00:40:54.496 --> 00:40:56.665
And, like,
I'm just supposed to go, "Oh, yeah, yeah, that's right.

853
00:40:56.707 --> 00:40:58.792
"That's right. That's right."

854
00:40:58.834 --> 00:41:00.919
And then he goes,
"But full disclosure,

855
00:41:00.961 --> 00:41:03.714
"I've never been a trash can,
so this is purely speculation."

856
00:41:03.755 --> 00:41:05.382
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

857
00:41:08.343 --> 00:41:09.970
You guys think
the country is getting dumber?

858
00:41:10.012 --> 00:41:11.138
AUDIENCE: Yeah.

859
00:41:11.180 --> 00:41:12.598
Pretty much, right?

860
00:41:12.639 --> 00:41:14.391
I'm usually
convinced that it is.

861
00:41:14.433 --> 00:41:15.809
But then, every now,
I think it's something like,

862
00:41:15.851 --> 00:41:17.936
well, maybe, maybe
not in every way.

863
00:41:17.978 --> 00:41:21.815
Because when I was a kid,
pretty much the entire country thought wrestling was real.

864
00:41:21.857 --> 00:41:23.442
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

865
00:41:23.483 --> 00:41:26.528
It's like, we've come
a really long way from that, you know,

866
00:41:26.570 --> 00:41:27.988
When I was a kid,
people would be like,

867
00:41:28.030 --> 00:41:31.241
"You can't beat the Undertaker.
He's not even alive."

868
00:41:31.283 --> 00:41:33.702
He'd be like,
"Well, that's a great point, actually, yeah."

869
00:41:33.744 --> 00:41:35.078
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

870
00:41:35.120 --> 00:41:36.663
You can't beat the undead.

871
00:41:40.751 --> 00:41:42.669
I do... I do.
I think we're getting dumber.

872
00:41:42.711 --> 00:41:44.713
I also think, like,
we're becoming bullies,

873
00:41:44.755 --> 00:41:48.592
like, so, like, you aren't even
allowed to watch the TV shows you wanna watch.

874
00:41:48.634 --> 00:41:51.470
People try to
force their TV show on you.

875
00:41:51.512 --> 00:41:54.890
Do you know how many people
have, like, tried to make me watch<i> Ozark?</i>

876
00:41:54.932 --> 00:41:57.059
And now I just can't
watch out of principle.

877
00:41:57.100 --> 00:41:58.352
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

878
00:41:58.393 --> 00:42:00.145
Because so many people are like,

879
00:42:00.187 --> 00:42:03.440
"You don't even
fucking talk to me until you've seen it, all right?"

880
00:42:03.482 --> 00:42:07.611
"Lock yourself in your basement
with a can of beans, and don't come out till..."

881
00:42:09.279 --> 00:42:12.241
It's like, why do you care
what I watch?

882
00:42:12.282 --> 00:42:14.993
So, I just started giving
a stock recommendation back.

883
00:42:15.035 --> 00:42:16.912
And I was like, "Yeah, yeah,
I'll watch<i> Ozark, </i>uh,

884
00:42:16.954 --> 00:42:19.414
"you got to watch this,
so, I just... Just binged the whole thing."

885
00:42:19.456 --> 00:42:21.500
"It's great.
It's called<i> Wheel of Fortune."</i>

886
00:42:21.542 --> 00:42:23.627
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

887
00:42:23.669 --> 00:42:25.546
They're like, "Yeah,
I've seen<i> Wheel of Fortune."</i>

888
00:42:25.587 --> 00:42:29.508
I'm like, "No, you've got
to start from Season 1, all right?"

889
00:42:29.550 --> 00:42:31.510
"Otherwise, you're not gonna
get it, all right?"

890
00:42:31.552 --> 00:42:33.387
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

891
00:42:33.428 --> 00:42:36.682
"You'll follow it,
but you won't get it."

892
00:42:36.723 --> 00:42:38.433
"And if you don't start
from the beginning,

893
00:42:38.475 --> 00:42:42.563
"you'll miss that season
where Sajak refuses to sell vowels, okay?"

894
00:42:42.604 --> 00:42:45.732
"People try to buy them,
and he's like, I'm not selling them shits."

895
00:42:47.985 --> 00:42:50.028
I'm... I'm not into
social media.

896
00:42:50.070 --> 00:42:52.990
I mean, I'm on it,
but I don't... [SPUTTERS] Instagram is fine.

897
00:42:53.031 --> 00:42:54.950
Yelp drives me...
Yelp is hilarious.

898
00:42:54.992 --> 00:42:59.580
The fact that that we've decided
that we're all experts on everything, it's...

899
00:42:59.621 --> 00:43:03.417
There's a one-star review
for the Grand Canyon that I saw.

900
00:43:08.338 --> 00:43:10.382
I mean, everyone's
allowed to have opinions,

901
00:43:10.424 --> 00:43:12.593
but a one-star review
for the Grand Canyon,

902
00:43:12.634 --> 00:43:15.721
you can just say, "Well,
that's a stupid opinion."

903
00:43:15.762 --> 00:43:19.850
Here's what the review said.
The whole thing just said, "It's all outside."

904
00:43:19.892 --> 00:43:21.643
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

905
00:43:22.811 --> 00:43:24.646
Do you know how dumb
you have to be

906
00:43:24.688 --> 00:43:27.274
to see the Grand Canyon
and your take away is, "That shit needs a roof."

907
00:43:27.316 --> 00:43:29.109
- Like...
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

908
00:43:30.360 --> 00:43:33.197
I was in Montreal, uh,
doing shows.

909
00:43:33.238 --> 00:43:37.409
I come out of my hotel,
and across the street from my hotel,

910
00:43:37.451 --> 00:43:39.578
two different places
say "Nuru" on them.

911
00:43:39.620 --> 00:43:41.955
N-U-R-U in these
fluorescent lights.

912
00:43:41.997 --> 00:43:44.917
I'm like, "What is this?"
I google it.

913
00:43:44.958 --> 00:43:49.171
Turns out it's this thing
where a "massage therapist"

914
00:43:49.213 --> 00:43:52.090
covers herself in oil,
like a sexy oil,

915
00:43:52.132 --> 00:43:54.343
like a 10W-40, like a,
you know what I mean,

916
00:43:55.636 --> 00:43:57.387
not that canola bullshit,

917
00:43:57.429 --> 00:44:00.098
and she just slides all over you
for an hour, right?

918
00:44:00.140 --> 00:44:03.894
So I put "massage therapists"
in quotes because she's more of a hero.

919
00:44:03.936 --> 00:44:07.272
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

920
00:44:07.314 --> 00:44:12.736
And I was like, "Let's just see
what the community is saying about this place."

921
00:44:12.778 --> 00:44:17.741
I open up Yelp,
the first thing I see is a one-star review.

922
00:44:17.783 --> 00:44:20.285
Do you know
how little pride you have to have

923
00:44:20.327 --> 00:44:27.167
to leave a one-star review
for a woman covered in oil sliding all over you,

924
00:44:27.209 --> 00:44:31.797
for your family,
friends, coworkers to see... Your name is on it.

925
00:44:32.965 --> 00:44:34.716
Anyone can search reviews.

926
00:44:34.758 --> 00:44:36.844
And this guy,
Randall Danby from Denver...

927
00:44:38.095 --> 00:44:41.056
He put his name out there,
I will too.

928
00:44:41.098 --> 00:44:43.892
His review just said
"Her heart wasn't in it."

929
00:44:43.934 --> 00:44:46.270
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

930
00:44:48.397 --> 00:44:51.775
Like he thought it was
gonna be her passion project or something.

931
00:44:51.817 --> 00:44:53.861
It's like, Randall,
as a general rule,

932
00:44:53.902 --> 00:44:57.656
no woman wants to rub
her naked body on a man who writes Yelp reviews.

933
00:45:03.412 --> 00:45:04.538
Facebook's the worst.

934
00:45:04.580 --> 00:45:06.748
I can't stay on Facebook,
because it's...

935
00:45:06.790 --> 00:45:11.211
You know, if you ever notice
how people use it to make tragedies about themselves.

936
00:45:12.045 --> 00:45:13.881
Every time.

937
00:45:13.922 --> 00:45:17.718
Anything around the world,
like, there could be a mudslide in Malaysia,

938
00:45:17.759 --> 00:45:23.265
and people you went
to middle school with will mark themselves safe.

939
00:45:23.307 --> 00:45:27.311
Like as if you saw the news,
and you're like, "I hope Glenn didn't perish in the mud."

940
00:45:28.770 --> 00:45:31.315
7000 miles
from where he's ever been.

941
00:45:33.108 --> 00:45:34.484
And then
you look at the comments

942
00:45:34.526 --> 00:45:36.695
and everyone's just trying
to one up each other.

943
00:45:36.737 --> 00:45:41.408
Like, "Oh, yeah, I was actually
supposed to be there too, uh, where the mud was sliding.

944
00:45:42.743 --> 00:45:45.954
"Except that I never made
plans to go

945
00:45:45.996 --> 00:45:49.291
"and to be honest,
I'm not even sure what part of Florida Malaysia is in, but..."

946
00:45:49.333 --> 00:45:52.085
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

947
00:45:52.127 --> 00:45:55.797
"...aside from that,
this is about me, okay?"

948
00:45:55.839 --> 00:45:57.508
Someone did this to me
in real life, too.

949
00:45:58.383 --> 00:46:00.177
Okay... So offensive.

950
00:46:00.219 --> 00:46:02.930
The guy, uh, he asked me
when I moved to L.A.,

951
00:46:02.971 --> 00:46:07.100
and then I asked him
when he did, and he just goes,

952
00:46:07.142 --> 00:46:11.813
"It was actually, um,
the day after Katrina hit."

953
00:46:11.855 --> 00:46:13.732
And I said,
"Oh, man, I am so sorry."

954
00:46:13.774 --> 00:46:16.777
And he goes, "Yeah, it was...
It was a really tough time.

955
00:46:16.818 --> 00:46:19.154
"For my family and everyone."

956
00:46:19.196 --> 00:46:21.490
"I bet.
So was your family okay?"

957
00:46:21.532 --> 00:46:24.243
He was like, "Yeah, everyone,
everyone made it out all right."

958
00:46:24.284 --> 00:46:25.702
"So was the house okay?"

959
00:46:25.744 --> 00:46:28.038
And he goes, "Yeah, yeah,
the house made it just fine."

960
00:46:28.080 --> 00:46:29.581
[SPORADIC LAUGHTER]

961
00:46:29.623 --> 00:46:31.750
I said, "Great. Well,
how far are you from the levees?"

962
00:46:31.792 --> 00:46:34.002
- And he goes,
"Oh, pretty far back." - [SPORADIC LAUGHTER]

963
00:46:34.044 --> 00:46:35.671
I said, "How far?"
And he goes, "I don't know.

964
00:46:35.712 --> 00:46:37.756
"Two and a half,
three thousand miles."

965
00:46:37.798 --> 00:46:38.841
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

966
00:46:38.882 --> 00:46:41.218
I said,
"Did you say 'thousand'?"

967
00:46:41.260 --> 00:46:42.594
He's like,
"Yeah, yeah, I'm from Seattle."

968
00:46:42.636 --> 00:46:43.971
"I've never even been
to New Orleans."

969
00:46:44.012 --> 00:46:45.430
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

970
00:46:45.472 --> 00:46:48.517
I said, "Why did you
bring up Katrina then?"

971
00:46:48.559 --> 00:46:50.269
And he goes, "Well, I'm just
referencing the date."

972
00:46:50.310 --> 00:46:52.104
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

973
00:46:52.145 --> 00:46:54.815
I was like, "No one knows
the date of Katrina, man.

974
00:46:54.857 --> 00:46:56.441
"If I didn't have that
follow-up question,

975
00:46:56.483 --> 00:46:59.653
"you would let me live my life
thinking that the levees broke,

976
00:46:59.695 --> 00:47:05.075
"and you just jumped on a raft
and swam to L. A. in pursuit of your dreams.

977
00:47:05.117 --> 00:47:07.327
"In reality,
you're just a monster.

978
00:47:07.369 --> 00:47:11.623
"It would be like
if I told people, 'Oh, yeah, my cousin died September 11th.'

979
00:47:11.665 --> 00:47:13.959
"You're like,
'Oh, no, I am so sorry.

980
00:47:14.001 --> 00:47:15.961
'In one of the towers,
or the Pentagon?'

981
00:47:16.003 --> 00:47:19.006
"I'm like, 'No,
he choked on a tuna melt in Dayton, actually.'

982
00:47:19.047 --> 00:47:21.967
"But never forget,
that's what we say about him.

983
00:47:22.009 --> 00:47:24.970
"Because it was also
in a Quiznos, so double never forget."

984
00:47:25.012 --> 00:47:27.097
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
- [LAUGHS]

985
00:47:28.765 --> 00:47:32.311
My favorite job I ever had
when I was in college,

986
00:47:32.352 --> 00:47:37.191
I worked for what,
in retrospect, was probably a drug front.

987
00:47:37.232 --> 00:47:40.694
I'm pretty sure it was.
So officially it was a decking company,

988
00:47:40.736 --> 00:47:44.156
but my department,
we did set up appointments for estimates.

989
00:47:44.198 --> 00:47:47.117
And we got paid like
$25, $30 an hour for that.

990
00:47:48.368 --> 00:47:50.162
So that's shady on its face.

991
00:47:50.204 --> 00:47:52.664
The other thing about it was,
half the people were college students.

992
00:47:52.706 --> 00:47:54.958
Half were, like,
fresh out of prison.

993
00:47:55.000 --> 00:47:56.585
- Like...
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

994
00:47:56.627 --> 00:48:01.298
One day out, our boss was
on a work release program.

995
00:48:01.340 --> 00:48:05.010
He had nine felonies
and went by 'Felony Freddy,' okay?

996
00:48:05.052 --> 00:48:06.637
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

997
00:48:06.678 --> 00:48:09.014
Freddie wanted everyone
to drop out of college.

998
00:48:09.056 --> 00:48:12.100
He would mock us
for going to school.

999
00:48:12.142 --> 00:48:14.811
My friend John
was a business major,

1000
00:48:14.853 --> 00:48:17.940
and he had his book out
on the table in our meeting before he went out.

1001
00:48:17.981 --> 00:48:20.859
Freddy just goes up to me
and goes, "You don't need that shit."

1002
00:48:20.901 --> 00:48:22.903
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
- Yeah, I do.

1003
00:48:22.945 --> 00:48:27.157
He goes, "I didn't even
finish high school, look at me."

1004
00:48:27.199 --> 00:48:30.035
John was like, "Yeah,
that's my point too." Like...

1005
00:48:31.078 --> 00:48:32.329
"Yeah." [LAUGHS]

1006
00:48:32.371 --> 00:48:35.165
And Freddy goes,
"Give me any vocab word."

1007
00:48:35.207 --> 00:48:39.378
I was like, when's the last time
you heard an adult say "vocab word"?

1008
00:48:39.419 --> 00:48:42.047
And John's like, "All right,
well, what does this mean?"

1009
00:48:42.089 --> 00:48:45.133
Fred's answer is way off
and John tells him,

1010
00:48:45.175 --> 00:48:47.386
and Fred goes,
"Maybe in your book.

1011
00:48:47.427 --> 00:48:50.764
"But that's not how it is
in the real world, all right?

1012
00:48:50.806 --> 00:48:55.602
"I didn't finish school,
and I'm still your boss. So fuck your book."

1013
00:48:55.644 --> 00:48:58.689
And he takes the book,
throws it at the wall.

1014
00:48:58.730 --> 00:49:01.316
And then he turns around
and goes, "You're fired."

1015
00:49:01.358 --> 00:49:02.442
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

1016
00:49:02.484 --> 00:49:04.194
John's like, "For what?"

1017
00:49:04.236 --> 00:49:07.239
And then Fred goes,
"I rethought it.

1018
00:49:07.281 --> 00:49:11.326
"And now you're hired
because life is about second chances."

1019
00:49:11.368 --> 00:49:13.287
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

1020
00:49:18.584 --> 00:49:23.297
One day I'm in
the passenger seat and this guy, uh, Marcus is driving.

1021
00:49:23.338 --> 00:49:26.884
I went to school with him.
I never... I never met him before this day,

1022
00:49:26.925 --> 00:49:28.719
Never been in a van with him.

1023
00:49:28.760 --> 00:49:33.765
We're driving
down the interstate. He just slams on the brakes.

1024
00:49:33.807 --> 00:49:38.270
Middle of the highway.
Complete stop. Everyone's swerving around us.

1025
00:49:38.312 --> 00:49:41.315
Everyone's freaking out in
the van, like, "What's going on? Marcus, What's going on?"

1026
00:49:41.356 --> 00:49:42.858
He's just like, "Oh, nothing."

1027
00:49:42.900 --> 00:49:44.359
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

1028
00:49:46.528 --> 00:49:49.406
I was like, "Can you pull over
to the side of the road?"

1029
00:49:49.448 --> 00:49:51.074
He was like,
"Do you think I should?"

1030
00:49:51.116 --> 00:49:52.659
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

1031
00:49:52.701 --> 00:49:56.538
"Absolutely. I think that's...
Yes." He goes, "Okay.

1032
00:49:56.580 --> 00:49:59.082
Slowly pulls over, right?
All right, get out of the van.

1033
00:49:59.124 --> 00:50:04.171
I call Freddie. I was like,
"Fred, we're on 95. Marcus just slams on the brakes."

1034
00:50:04.213 --> 00:50:06.590
Freddy goes, "Yeah,
that's gonna happen from time to time."

1035
00:50:06.632 --> 00:50:08.634
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

1036
00:50:08.675 --> 00:50:10.844
I said, "Why would that happen
from time to time?"

1037
00:50:10.886 --> 00:50:12.763
And he goes,
"Well, he has seizures."

1038
00:50:14.306 --> 00:50:16.350
I said, "Why is he driving?"

1039
00:50:18.352 --> 00:50:20.270
"Is he allowed to drive?"

1040
00:50:20.312 --> 00:50:23.982
And Freddy goes,
"Well, not according to the government."

1041
00:50:24.024 --> 00:50:25.692
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

1042
00:50:25.734 --> 00:50:29.988
"But I play by my own rules,
as you know."

1043
00:50:30.030 --> 00:50:32.491
And I said,
"But why is he driving?"

1044
00:50:32.533 --> 00:50:36.370
And he goes, "Dude,
when he's on, he's fucking on."

1045
00:50:36.411 --> 00:50:37.746
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

1046
00:50:37.788 --> 00:50:40.040
I was like,
"What does that even mean?"

1047
00:50:40.082 --> 00:50:43.168
We're driving a minivan
through the suburbs.

1048
00:50:43.210 --> 00:50:46.588
Not shooting
a Jason Statham movie.

1049
00:50:46.630 --> 00:50:50.425
And then he goes, "Dude,
he's top three in the state in hitting green lights."

1050
00:50:50.467 --> 00:50:53.470
I'm like,
"That's not a real stat. No one measures that.

1051
00:50:53.512 --> 00:50:56.890
"How stupid do you think I am?"

1052
00:50:56.932 --> 00:51:00.644
We were with this other guy,
uh, this guy, Chris from Denver.

1053
00:51:00.686 --> 00:51:04.398
He was the dumbest man
on the planet. He was... He was a white guy.

1054
00:51:04.439 --> 00:51:06.650
Everyone knows this type of guy.

1055
00:51:06.692 --> 00:51:12.406
He was this white guy who just
wanted the Black guys who worked there to think he was cool.

1056
00:51:12.447 --> 00:51:17.786
Everything he did in his life
was to make the Black guys who worked there think he was cool.

1057
00:51:17.828 --> 00:51:21.248
He would try to freestyle
in the van constantly.

1058
00:51:21.290 --> 00:51:25.544
It was the most
uncomfortable shit I've ever been near.

1059
00:51:25.586 --> 00:51:28.797
One day... One day
he just turns down the radio.

1060
00:51:28.839 --> 00:51:31.633
Everyone rolls their eyes,
like, "This shit again."

1061
00:51:31.675 --> 00:51:33.552
And he just goes,
"Trees and shit."

1062
00:51:33.594 --> 00:51:35.637
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

1063
00:51:35.679 --> 00:51:39.349
He's like, "That's all I've got
for now, all right?" And just turns it back up.

1064
00:51:40.934 --> 00:51:44.605
It's like, Chris,
do you not have a filter in your brain,

1065
00:51:44.646 --> 00:51:46.773
or did "trees and shit"
get to the filter,

1066
00:51:48.734 --> 00:51:52.237
and your brain was like,
"Let it through, let it through."

1067
00:51:52.279 --> 00:51:54.114
Let the world know
about "trees and shit."

1068
00:51:56.200 --> 00:51:57.534
[LAUGHS]

1069
00:51:59.661 --> 00:52:02.331
The most uncomfortable thing
he did.

1070
00:52:02.372 --> 00:52:06.960
One day he pulls out a photo
of a baby, all right?

1071
00:52:08.420 --> 00:52:09.796
And we're like, "Who is that?"

1072
00:52:09.838 --> 00:52:11.882
And he goes, "That's my son."

1073
00:52:11.924 --> 00:52:14.176
We're like, "Well, that's
not good for the planet, but all right."

1074
00:52:14.218 --> 00:52:15.719
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

1075
00:52:22.100 --> 00:52:24.394
I said, "How old is he?"

1076
00:52:24.436 --> 00:52:26.855
And then he goes,
this is a direct quote,

1077
00:52:26.897 --> 00:52:29.525
he goes, "My girl
shit him out last month."

1078
00:52:29.566 --> 00:52:31.151
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

1079
00:52:31.193 --> 00:52:34.530
It's the most revolting sentence
in the English language.

1080
00:52:34.571 --> 00:52:37.032
I wish I did not know
how old his son was.

1081
00:52:37.074 --> 00:52:41.119
I did not want to hear
that sentence, but I do you want to think

1082
00:52:41.161 --> 00:52:42.829
that that's how
he thinks it works.

1083
00:52:42.871 --> 00:52:45.082
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

1084
00:52:45.123 --> 00:52:46.542
That's not even
the uncomfortable part.

1085
00:52:46.583 --> 00:52:48.836
This was the uncomfortable part.

1086
00:52:48.877 --> 00:52:51.713
Someone said, "What's his name?"

1087
00:52:51.755 --> 00:52:55.133
He locks eyes with
every Black dude in the room, just one at a time.

1088
00:52:55.175 --> 00:52:57.010
And he goes, "Justice."

1089
00:52:57.052 --> 00:52:58.428
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

1090
00:52:58.470 --> 00:52:59.972
He's like, "I get it, I get it."

1091
00:53:00.013 --> 00:53:02.808
Yeah, this is Justice.

1092
00:53:02.850 --> 00:53:05.686
It's like, man,
you were trying way too hard.

1093
00:53:05.727 --> 00:53:09.064
You can't be a white guy
and name your kid Justice.

1094
00:53:09.106 --> 00:53:12.484
That would be like if I was like
"Yeah, this is my son<i> Brown v.</i> <i>the Board of Education."</i>

1095
00:53:12.526 --> 00:53:13.861
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

1096
00:53:13.902 --> 00:53:14.945
"Yeah."

1097
00:53:14.987 --> 00:53:16.154
"No, it's not his full name.

1098
00:53:16.196 --> 00:53:17.990
"His middle name
is Montgomery bus boycott.

1099
00:53:18.031 --> 00:53:18.991
"We call him Monty.

1100
00:53:20.576 --> 00:53:24.079
"Please like me."
You're just trying way too hard.

1101
00:53:24.121 --> 00:53:27.875
Also, a white guy named Justice
does not sound like an ally.

1102
00:53:27.916 --> 00:53:29.501
It sounds like
a renegade sheriff.

1103
00:53:30.669 --> 00:53:33.088
With a show on TNT.

1104
00:53:35.132 --> 00:53:37.050
"Justice is part
of the problem.

1105
00:53:37.092 --> 00:53:38.051
"This fall."

1106
00:53:38.677 --> 00:53:40.012
[LAUGHS]

1107
00:53:41.388 --> 00:53:43.348
It's everyone's first day.

1108
00:53:43.390 --> 00:53:46.977
You're trying to get a read
for him, like, "So listen, is this guy in school?

1109
00:53:47.019 --> 00:53:48.061
"He just get out of prison?

1110
00:53:48.103 --> 00:53:49.855
"What? What's your deal?"

1111
00:53:49.897 --> 00:53:52.941
If you look for obvious signs
like types of tattoos, like I'd be like

1112
00:53:52.983 --> 00:53:54.818
"Oh, teardrop tattoo...
Art student."

1113
00:53:54.860 --> 00:53:57.154
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
- I was horrible at it.

1114
00:53:58.113 --> 00:53:59.740
One day I'm driving this guy.

1115
00:53:59.781 --> 00:54:02.993
Calvin is in the car with me,
and I'm thinking he's in school,

1116
00:54:03.035 --> 00:54:07.206
just based on everything
about him and so I was like, "What'd you do before this?"

1117
00:54:07.247 --> 00:54:09.041
And he's like, "Tsk.
I haven't worked in a minute."

1118
00:54:10.876 --> 00:54:12.753
I was like,
"What have you been doing?"

1119
00:54:12.794 --> 00:54:16.965
He was like, "Well, I was
in the pen for four years."

1120
00:54:17.007 --> 00:54:20.636
But because I saw him
as a student, when he said "the pen."

1121
00:54:20.677 --> 00:54:22.471
Instead of hearing
"penitentiary,"

1122
00:54:22.513 --> 00:54:25.682
my brain translated to
"University of Pennsylvania."

1123
00:54:25.724 --> 00:54:27.893
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

1124
00:54:27.935 --> 00:54:30.354
And I go, "Oh, man,
my uncle went there too."

1125
00:54:32.481 --> 00:54:35.901
He's like, "For real?"
And I was like, "Yeah, what did you major in?"

1126
00:54:35.943 --> 00:54:37.986
And then he goes,
"attempted murder."

1127
00:54:38.028 --> 00:54:40.656
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

1128
00:54:40.697 --> 00:54:43.825
I was like, "Oh, shit.
My uncle was public policy.

1129
00:54:43.867 --> 00:54:45.953
"Things have changed.

1130
00:54:45.994 --> 00:54:47.454
"Things have changed."

1131
00:54:49.665 --> 00:54:53.418
And we we became
pretty friendly, and I found out what he did,

1132
00:54:53.460 --> 00:54:57.673
and it was, uh, hilarious
the way I reacted to it,

1133
00:54:57.714 --> 00:54:59.675
because...

1134
00:54:59.716 --> 00:55:02.886
There was a pawn shop
across the street of my high school.

1135
00:55:02.928 --> 00:55:04.429
There was an incident there.

1136
00:55:04.471 --> 00:55:06.181
When I was in high school,

1137
00:55:06.223 --> 00:55:09.518
and it turned my school
into lockdown for six hours.

1138
00:55:09.560 --> 00:55:11.895
So then when I found out
that he was responsible for it,

1139
00:55:11.937 --> 00:55:14.982
- I was just like,
"That was you?" - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

1140
00:55:15.023 --> 00:55:16.900
"I can't believe I'm hanging out
with you right now."

1141
00:55:16.942 --> 00:55:20.821
Like, like, I turned into
a Manson woman, like, I'm just in the cult.

1142
00:55:22.406 --> 00:55:24.366
Like every time
he got out of the van,

1143
00:55:24.408 --> 00:55:25.826
I was just calling up
people from high school.

1144
00:55:25.868 --> 00:55:28.537
Like, "Do you remember
the pawnshop shooting?"

1145
00:55:28.579 --> 00:55:31.957
They're like, "Yeah." I'm like,
"Guess who I'm hanging out with right now?"

1146
00:55:31.999 --> 00:55:34.042
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

1147
00:55:34.084 --> 00:55:39.131
They were like, "Get out
of the van, dude." I'm like, "No, you just don't understand

1148
00:55:39.173 --> 00:55:41.300
"people like me and Calvin.
We're different."

1149
00:55:42.759 --> 00:55:43.886
[LAUGHS]

1150
00:55:45.262 --> 00:55:46.471
That's true.

1151
00:55:46.513 --> 00:55:48.265
I got one more story for you.

1152
00:55:49.600 --> 00:55:52.144
So nothing ever felt
dangerous...

1153
00:55:52.186 --> 00:55:54.146
The most dangerous things
that's ever happened to me, at work,

1154
00:55:54.188 --> 00:55:56.231
I was performing at a club,

1155
00:55:56.273 --> 00:55:59.109
and as soon as I got introduced,
I grabbed the mic

1156
00:55:59.151 --> 00:56:01.403
and the fire alarm
just starts blasting.

1157
00:56:01.445 --> 00:56:03.697
All right. Just...
No one from the club

1158
00:56:03.739 --> 00:56:05.949
is acting like there's
a fire alarm going off.

1159
00:56:05.991 --> 00:56:07.826
So I told the crowd,
"Hey, don't worry, guys,

1160
00:56:07.868 --> 00:56:10.287
"this is just a drill,"
which is absurd.

1161
00:56:10.329 --> 00:56:12.372
Why would there be like
a middle school fire drill

1162
00:56:13.957 --> 00:56:15.918
in the middle of your show?

1163
00:56:15.959 --> 00:56:19.087
Also where the policy is,
"Just ignore it. Let it ruin your night."

1164
00:56:20.631 --> 00:56:22.799
But the crowd was like,
"Well, he has the microphone.

1165
00:56:22.841 --> 00:56:24.092
"He wouldn't lie to us,
would he?"

1166
00:56:26.803 --> 00:56:28.347
So I just keep performing.

1167
00:56:28.388 --> 00:56:30.557
I think it's gonna go off
for a couple of minutes.

1168
00:56:30.599 --> 00:56:33.644
It went off for 45 minutes.

1169
00:56:33.685 --> 00:56:35.812
At the end of that time,
I go in the green room.

1170
00:56:35.854 --> 00:56:38.941
The managers in there
are really nervous-looking and I was like,

1171
00:56:38.982 --> 00:56:40.901
"What's going on?
Is there a wiring issue?"

1172
00:56:40.943 --> 00:56:43.654
And he goes, "No, dude,
we got a big ass fire."

1173
00:56:43.695 --> 00:56:45.906
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

1174
00:56:45.948 --> 00:56:48.116
I was like, "What do you mean,
you have a fire?"

1175
00:56:48.158 --> 00:56:50.327
Like, I said,
"Why didn't you get me off stage?"

1176
00:56:50.369 --> 00:56:53.080
And he goes, "Yeah, that's what
the fire department's been saying, too."

1177
00:56:53.121 --> 00:56:54.831
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

1178
00:56:57.626 --> 00:56:59.753
I was like, "I didn't even know
you could tell the fire department

1179
00:56:59.795 --> 00:57:03.882
"'No', like... you know, we,
we'll, we'll blow on it.

1180
00:57:03.924 --> 00:57:06.009
"We got it. We got it."

1181
00:57:06.051 --> 00:57:08.512
I was like, "Seriously,
why didn't you get me off stage?"

1182
00:57:08.554 --> 00:57:12.850
And he goes, "To tell you
the truth, I was about to get you off stage.

1183
00:57:12.891 --> 00:57:15.519
"Then I saw
how much fun you were having.

1184
00:57:15.561 --> 00:57:17.896
"And I decided
that's how you'd want to go."

1185
00:57:17.938 --> 00:57:19.398
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

1186
00:57:21.984 --> 00:57:23.819
I was like, "Really, man,
I've known you for an hour,

1187
00:57:23.861 --> 00:57:26.154
"and you think you can make end
of life decisions for me.

1188
00:57:27.823 --> 00:57:30.534
"Also fuck you for thinking
this is the peak of my life."

1189
00:57:30.576 --> 00:57:32.286
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

1190
00:57:32.327 --> 00:57:34.246
Easily the worst show
I'd ever done.

1191
00:57:34.288 --> 00:57:35.581
And he's like,
"Just let him go.

1192
00:57:35.622 --> 00:57:38.417
"His family will understand.
He went out on top."

1193
00:57:38.458 --> 00:57:43.672
It's like I wouldn't mind
if I died on stage in my 90s of a heart attack.

1194
00:57:43.714 --> 00:57:46.466
I don't wanna die when I'm 40,
because someone forgot

1195
00:57:46.508 --> 00:57:47.843
to take
the chicken tenders out.

1196
00:57:49.052 --> 00:57:50.429
Little less of a hero story.

1197
00:57:51.722 --> 00:57:54.558
So then after the show,
I'm in the bar area

1198
00:57:54.600 --> 00:57:56.643
and this woman comes up,
she's talking to me.

1199
00:57:56.685 --> 00:57:58.979
And the conversation
was already awkward.

1200
00:57:59.021 --> 00:58:02.191
Because when she came up
to shake my hand, I'd just come out of the bathroom.

1201
00:58:02.232 --> 00:58:03.817
And my hands were wet.

1202
00:58:03.859 --> 00:58:05.903
And so as soon as our hands
touched, she gave me that,

1203
00:58:05.944 --> 00:58:07.654
like,
"You nasty motherfucker" look.

1204
00:58:10.073 --> 00:58:11.909
Which... Come on,
let's all grow up.

1205
00:58:11.950 --> 00:58:13.911
We know what's happening there.

1206
00:58:13.952 --> 00:58:16.538
It's one of those bathrooms
with the hand dryers.

1207
00:58:16.580 --> 00:58:19.750
This... It's a slow trickle
of cool air

1208
00:58:19.791 --> 00:58:23.545
like it feels like an old man
is whispering into your hands.

1209
00:58:23.587 --> 00:58:25.339
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

1210
00:58:25.380 --> 00:58:29.760
It's like I don't have time
to dry my hands with secrets, like...

1211
00:58:29.801 --> 00:58:34.139
I got a life to live,
so I walk out, shake hands... Like...

1212
00:58:34.181 --> 00:58:36.099
She acts like I was actually
in the bathroom, like,

1213
00:58:36.141 --> 00:58:38.310
"Can't wait to shake me
some hands."

1214
00:58:38.352 --> 00:58:40.103
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
- Like...

1215
00:58:41.355 --> 00:58:43.023
Like anyone has ever done that.

1216
00:58:44.983 --> 00:58:48.111
So five minutes into an already
awkward conversation,

1217
00:58:48.153 --> 00:58:51.031
she goes, "Where'd you
go to college?"

1218
00:58:51.073 --> 00:58:52.991
I said, "George Mason."

1219
00:58:53.033 --> 00:58:55.911
She put her thumb down
in my face and just starts going,

1220
00:58:55.953 --> 00:58:58.455
"Boo!"

1221
00:59:00.123 --> 00:59:01.792
It was like I went
to George Mason.

1222
00:59:01.834 --> 00:59:03.168
I don't even have
an opinion on it.

1223
00:59:03.210 --> 00:59:05.170
Like, "Why are you doing that?"

1224
00:59:06.338 --> 00:59:09.341
And she just goes,
"I went to Florida."

1225
00:59:09.383 --> 00:59:12.135
I've got no idea
what that means, right?

1226
00:59:12.177 --> 00:59:13.762
She may as well have said
"I like pop tarts,"

1227
00:59:13.804 --> 00:59:16.890
like, there's, there's,
there's no connection.

1228
00:59:16.932 --> 00:59:20.894
And then she goes,
"We beat you in the Final Four."

1229
00:59:21.937 --> 00:59:23.689
[SIGHS IN EXASPERATION]

1230
00:59:23.730 --> 00:59:27.568
It's like, "First of all,
neither of us played in that game. All right?

1231
00:59:27.609 --> 00:59:30.988
"Like I know I didn't,
and I think I would remember

1232
00:59:31.029 --> 00:59:33.615
"if a 5-foot-2 woman played
in the men's Final Four."

1233
00:59:37.119 --> 00:59:43.000
So then she gets defensive
and she was like... She's like, "Well, you know.

1234
00:59:43.041 --> 00:59:46.420
"The University of Florida
is known as the Harvard of Florida."

1235
00:59:46.461 --> 00:59:47.671
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

1236
00:59:47.713 --> 00:59:50.174
I was like,
"No one has ever said that."

1237
00:59:50.215 --> 00:59:51.425
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

1238
00:59:51.466 --> 00:59:53.260
"No one's ever even
thought that."

1239
00:59:54.553 --> 00:59:57.472
It's also
a very weird way to brag.

1240
00:59:57.514 --> 00:59:59.850
That's like saying,
"Did you know that pizza rolls

1241
00:59:59.892 --> 01:00:02.060
"are the lobster
of the frozen food section?"

1242
01:00:02.102 --> 01:00:04.605
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

1243
01:00:04.646 --> 01:00:08.650
It's like, I'll give you that,
but it's a very low ceiling, very low.

1244
01:00:12.654 --> 01:00:14.156
[CHUCKLES]

1245
01:00:14.198 --> 01:00:17.993
Also, the thing is,
it's like the game was 15 years ago.

1246
01:00:18.035 --> 01:00:20.120
It's a borderline historical
event... That...

1247
01:00:20.162 --> 01:00:22.706
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
- That would be like if every time

1248
01:00:22.748 --> 01:00:26.043
I met a British guy,
I'm just like, "Boo."

1249
01:00:26.084 --> 01:00:27.628
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

1250
01:00:29.171 --> 01:00:30.422
He's like, "What's that for?"

1251
01:00:31.507 --> 01:00:33.050
Like, the events of<i> Braveheart.</i>

1252
01:00:33.091 --> 01:00:34.051
Okay?

1253
01:00:38.222 --> 01:00:41.892
Then she asked me if I went
to grad school anywhere, and I got to lay it on her.

1254
01:00:41.934 --> 01:00:45.395
I was like, "Yeah, I actually
went to Harvard," which is not true at all.

1255
01:00:45.437 --> 01:00:46.813
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

1256
01:00:46.855 --> 01:00:48.982
I just wanted to be able to say,
"Or, as we called it,

1257
01:00:49.024 --> 01:00:51.944
- "the Florida of Massachusetts."
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

1258
01:00:51.985 --> 01:00:53.654
All right.
Thank you so much, guys.

1259
01:00:53.695 --> 01:00:54.863
You've been an awesome crowd.

1260
01:00:54.905 --> 01:00:56.740
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

1261
01:00:56.782 --> 01:00:58.116
You've been wonderful.

1262
01:00:58.158 --> 01:00:59.368
I really appreciate it.

1263
01:00:59.409 --> 01:01:00.410
I can't thank you enough.

1264
01:01:01.370 --> 01:01:03.080
Have a great night. Thank you.

1265
01:01:06.500 --> 01:01:08.669
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

1266
01:01:09.753 --> 01:01:11.713
[IMPERCEPTIBLE]