WEBVTT FILE

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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Sierra Katow.

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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Thank you!

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Thank you, thank you, thank you.

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All right. For me?

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Stop it.

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Me? Ooh.

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No, stop. Oh.

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All right. Yeah, That's enough.

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Jesus Christ.

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No. You guys are wonderful.
Thank you for coming out.

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Fun fact about me,

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I actually have a degree
in computer science.

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Yeah. All right.

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Pretty good.

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And now I'm a comedian.

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Mmm.

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Right? What did I do?
What went wrong?

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No. I think what happened

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is when I was deciding
what I wanted to do with my life,

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I wasn't sure if I wanted
to be another Asian

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computer programmer.

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And see,
that internalized racism,

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that cost me
millions of dollars.

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Okay? That's why
you shouldn't be racist, 'cause, whoo,

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that shit's expensive. Yeah.

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I enjoy being a comedian.

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I do love it, you know.

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Clearly, I'm not in it
for the money, so...

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I better have fun, or whatever.

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And I started doing this
really young.

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I started doing stand-up
when I was 16.

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Which, yeah,

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where were my parents
to stamp that out of me early?

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Right?

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To their credit,
they're very supportive.

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They're actually here today.

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Give it up for them, yeah.

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Right there.

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I remember when I told my mom
for the first time

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that I wanted to do stand-up,
she was like,

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"Oh, yeah,

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"me and your dad used to go see
live comedy all the time,

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"back when we were dating."

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Which...

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Gross, right?

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Like, I get that my parents
were human, or whatever,

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before I was born,

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but keep me out of it, okay?

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Yeah, I just...
I want a respectful distance from my elders.

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That's all I ask. Okay?

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Because I had a friend,
growing up,

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who was, like, so close
to his parents

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that he called them
by their first names.

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Yeah. You guys have
any friends like that? -

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Hmm?

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No one had
any white friends, no?

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He was kind of weird,
this friend.

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Like, I remember I went over
to his house

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and he was yelling at his dad.

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He was like, "Yo, Vincent,

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"get me a Capri Sun!" Jesus...

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Christ.

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Vincent?

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"That is your father, right?

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"Show a little respect.

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"What are you gonna do next?
Fuck his wife?

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"That's your mother."

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Gross.

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Unless it's your step-mom.
In which case, "Hey."

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Right? We've all seen that one.

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You know what
I'm talking about?

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Just fire up
the old incognito window.

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That's all I ask, okay?

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Yeah, that's gross.

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You guys brought it up.
Don't fucking look at me.

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I'm trying to make this
a family show, okay?

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My parents are here. My God.

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And, hey, step-mom content.

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That's about as family
as it gets.

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You know what
I'm saying? Yeah? -

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Let's keep it
in the family content. Yup.

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Hell, yeah. Fuck, yeah.

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Yeah. Yeah, my parents
are very supportive of this career.

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Suckers. You know.

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Fumbled a great retirement plan.

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And here I am still doing it
over a decade later.

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Uh...

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Which... Yeah.

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Pretty strange.

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I think starting something
that young, though,

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you kind of do it
for the wrong reasons, you know?

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Because I was 16,
I was kind of a weird, nerd kid.

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So I thought...
I thought doing stand-up would make me,

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like, less socially awkward.

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It didn't work.

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All right? Like, I just recently
ran into a friend on the street.

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Unexpectedly.

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That should
be illegal.

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Like, you want me to make
spontaneous conversation? Kill me.

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I did my best, you know?
I... I...

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I asked this friend,
I was like, "Oh,

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"how are you?" "Pretty good."

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Thinking on my toes.

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And he responded,

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then he asked me back,
"How are you?" Which...

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I know that one.

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Well played, sir. Yeah.

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So I responded.
And then I asked him back,

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"How are you?"

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Which is one too many, right?

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We're only allowed one
per person. That's off by one.

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My bad. See,
comedy didn't work. Okay?

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Still fucking awkward, and...

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I should have picked
another profession.

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And I had other options, right?

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Even before comedy,
even before computers,

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I'm sure you guys
can tell this about me.

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I was supposed to be
a professional basketball player.

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Yeah. Thank you.

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Yeah. I don't know why
you're laughing, but okay.

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Yeah, thank you.

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You know, I...
I played for eight years, growing up.

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Mmm-hmm. I started at 2-10.
That's a height.

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Not a time. Okay?

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I get it. I didn't have,
like, the height or the wingspan

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to be a successful
basketball player.

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But, you know, I'm glad I played

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because I learned
a really valuable lesson

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that I could use
for a future in entertainment.

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Which is this, you know?
It doesn't matter.

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You work really hard,
you practice every day,

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and your dreams
will still be crushed. Okay?

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So...

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Yeah. Good.

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It's good to know early.
I say, "Teach it in the womb." Okay?

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But I didn't have
the basketball bod, all right?

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You know what?
This body walks into a room,

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everybody immediately looks,

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they go, "That's...
That's a comedian."

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"That's a comedy bod
right there."

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Yeah, my body
is always coming up with funny material.

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Like I discovered this
about myself recently,

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in the nighttime.

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I discovered I can actually wear
an eye mask,

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you know, one of those
sleeping masks,

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as a bra. Ooh.

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That's a good one, body. Right?

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Twisty punch line.
The whole thing.

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You know, I'm a grown woman,
but I'm still stuck

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in the training-bra phase
of life.

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You know what
the training-bra phase is?

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That's sort of when
you're going through puberty.

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Right?

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And developing breasts
or whatever people do.

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What do you...

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What do you call it?

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Breasts?

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And you wear a training bra.

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You know, a training bra.
That's sort of a smaller bra.

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It's more of a formality.

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Right.

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It's supposed to train you
to one day graduate to a big-girl bra.

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Yeah?

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I see some graduates
here tonight. -

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Congratulations.

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Mazel tov.

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But look, I guess
I didn't train hard enough.

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Or I trained too damn hard,
because clearly, my boobs died

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in some training accident.
They never...

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made it home.
What happened?

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You know, I've...
I've just always been a little smaller, you know.

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And small... I didn't know
I was small, right?

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Because I come
from a small people.

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Yeah. My family,
a bunch of little tinies.

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A bunch of little
pip-squeak losers. Just kick them around.

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Yeah. Look at 'em over there.
Tiny little...

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Like, I'm 5'1",

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but compared to some
of my family members, ooh,

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I'm kind of massive.

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Like, I go back to Christmas
just like Godzilla.

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Like, elbowing uncles
on the top of the head.

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Like, giving a noogie
to Grandma. And...

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I know she likes it.
I wouldn't do that

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if she didn't specifically
request. Okay?

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She's kinky like that. And...

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I respect my elders,
so I do as told.

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Yeah, I think when I tell
normal-sized people,

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that I have family
who's smaller than me,

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they look at me
like I just told them

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their dog has its own dog.

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"Oh, my God." They're like,
"I didn't know they bred them that small.

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"Is that safe?"

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"What if I step
on it?"

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Which, if you're gonna step
on one of us, step on Grandma.

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You know, she's...

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She's kinky like that,
you know?

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No, I joke, right?

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When I'm talking
about my grandma,

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I'm not talking
about my grandma.

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You guys know this.

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I'm just joking
about the dead one.

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You know, there's...

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I have two grandmas.
One passed away a while ago.

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So she's easier to joke about
because I don't see her, right?

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She died before I was born.
Quick bitch. So, who knows?

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Who knows what she was like?

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You know, maybe
she was kind of kinky. That's...

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That would explain a lot.

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You know what I'm saying?

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No. My... That's my...
That's my dad's mom.

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Okay, sorry, Dad.

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We'll talk about it later.
We'll be fine.

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But...

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There were... I'm not
gonna look over there

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anytime soon. Okay.

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Yikes. We'll be fine. Okay.

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But, hey, maybe that's why
I got into comedy, you know?

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Because the extra height
from the stage, you know what I mean?

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Right? Hell yeah.

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Is she 5 feet? Is she 15?
We don't know.

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We can't tell.

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I also like having a microphone.

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Because I have a little bit
of a quieter voice, naturally.

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Which you can't tell
because I have a microphone.

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And I know this,

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people are always telling me
to speak up.

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"Can you speak up?
Can you be a little louder?"

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Which, well, I don't like.

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Like, telling me to speak up,

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pretty racist.

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It's kind of racist, yeah?

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00:10:43.276 --> 00:10:45.145
I'm not gonna explain why, okay?

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Those who get it, get it.

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-Yeah!
- Yeah?

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Those who don't...

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Good luck out there.

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00:11:00.460 --> 00:11:02.730
People are always
telling me tips,

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00:11:02.830 --> 00:11:05.232
like, "Use your diaphragm
to be a little louder.

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00:11:05.332 --> 00:11:07.467
"Use your diaphragm,"
which... That's...

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00:11:07.567 --> 00:11:10.470
Diaphragm, it's like a membrane

243
00:11:10.570 --> 00:11:12.572
underneath your lungs.
That's what that is.

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00:11:12.672 --> 00:11:14.374
It's supposed
to help you project.

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00:11:14.474 --> 00:11:15.575
Which would be great advice

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00:11:15.675 --> 00:11:17.978
if it weren't something
inside of my body

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I can't control.

248
00:11:19.980 --> 00:11:21.915
Are you kidding me?
My diaphragm?

249
00:11:22.015 --> 00:11:24.417
Like, you know, everybody knows

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00:11:24.517 --> 00:11:27.520
that your insides
do their insides things, right?

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00:11:27.620 --> 00:11:29.857
So that our outsides,
we may do our outsides things.

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And never the twain shall meet.
That's just...

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00:11:33.193 --> 00:11:35.162
...science.

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00:11:35.262 --> 00:11:36.696
Are you kidding me?

255
00:11:36.797 --> 00:11:38.165
Use my diaphragm?

256
00:11:38.265 --> 00:11:40.067
What do you want me to do next
while I'm in there?

257
00:11:41.434 --> 00:11:42.736
You want me to poke
my gallbladder?

258
00:11:44.437 --> 00:11:46.073
Do you want me
to squeeze my uterus?

259
00:11:49.376 --> 00:11:51.711
I mean, I can
kind of squeeze my uterus, you know I'm talking about?

260
00:11:51.812 --> 00:11:53.380
We can do that.

261
00:11:53.480 --> 00:11:55.115
We can do that, right?
Those are...

262
00:11:56.817 --> 00:11:58.585
Those are called
Kegel exercises.

263
00:11:59.686 --> 00:12:03.356
You gotta do them every day,
okay? Yeah.

264
00:12:03.456 --> 00:12:06.559
Right? Because you can't skip
vag day.

265
00:12:06.659 --> 00:12:09.229
You can't do it.

266
00:12:09.329 --> 00:12:10.597
Don't do it.
I've been doing them

267
00:12:10.697 --> 00:12:11.965
the whole time
I've been up here.

268
00:12:12.065 --> 00:12:14.267
You guys didn't even know, huh?

269
00:12:15.803 --> 00:12:17.270
because listen,
I've got a tight schedule,

270
00:12:17.370 --> 00:12:19.406
but I need an even tighter...

271
00:12:23.743 --> 00:12:26.079
vagina, okay?
Don't get ahead of the joke.

272
00:12:27.547 --> 00:12:29.883
I wasn't too worried
about my softer voice

273
00:12:29.983 --> 00:12:31.551
until a friend told me,
he was like,

274
00:12:31.651 --> 00:12:33.921
"Ugh, you know,
being that quiet,

275
00:12:34.021 --> 00:12:36.156
"it makes you seem
like a pushover."

276
00:12:36.256 --> 00:12:40.293
Which, I mean, he can say
whatever he wants about me.

277
00:12:40.393 --> 00:12:41.394
What am I gonna do?

278
00:12:43.130 --> 00:12:44.264
I can't yell at him.

279
00:12:47.100 --> 00:12:49.136
But that gave me
the kick in the butt

280
00:12:49.236 --> 00:12:51.671
to, like, make a change,
you know, fix this voice thing.

281
00:12:51.771 --> 00:12:54.274
So I did what we all do
when we want to make,

282
00:12:54.374 --> 00:12:56.977
like, a drastic transformation
in our lives.

283
00:12:57.077 --> 00:12:58.411
I watched a YouTube tutorial.

284
00:13:01.448 --> 00:13:03.083
I found this video, it was like,

285
00:13:03.183 --> 00:13:04.284
you know, "How to be louder,"

286
00:13:04.384 --> 00:13:06.786
and had this sweet man
giving instructions.

287
00:13:06.887 --> 00:13:08.455
He also had a quieter voice,

288
00:13:08.555 --> 00:13:10.824
so, you know, "Gang gang."

289
00:13:13.460 --> 00:13:15.328
He had a bit
of a receding hairline,

290
00:13:15.428 --> 00:13:17.264
but, you know,
this is a voice tutorial,

291
00:13:17.364 --> 00:13:19.032
not a hair tutorial...

292
00:13:19.132 --> 00:13:21.568
...so we can cool it
on the judgment, everybody. Jesus.

293
00:13:23.036 --> 00:13:24.537
One of his first tips
was that if you want

294
00:13:24.637 --> 00:13:26.974
to be louder immediately,
you can use twang.

295
00:13:27.074 --> 00:13:28.675
And twang,
it's like this thing where,

296
00:13:28.775 --> 00:13:31.278
I guess, you pipe your voice
through your nose a little bit.

297
00:13:31.378 --> 00:13:32.846
You get a little more friction.

298
00:13:32.946 --> 00:13:35.382
And that makes you louder.

299
00:13:35.482 --> 00:13:39.452
So I might give a demonstration
for you tonight, if that's okay.

300
00:13:39.552 --> 00:13:41.121
Quickly. Okay.

301
00:13:41.221 --> 00:13:42.990
All right. You know...

302
00:13:43.723 --> 00:13:45.292
You know...

303
00:13:45.392 --> 00:13:47.694
So this is my voice
without twang, you know, a little softer.

304
00:13:48.328 --> 00:13:49.329
Right?

305
00:13:49.429 --> 00:13:50.763
And then this is my voice

306
00:13:52.465 --> 00:13:54.301
with twang. It's kind of like...

307
00:14:10.450 --> 00:14:11.484
Pretty good, huh?

308
00:14:13.686 --> 00:14:16.356
And that's just
after one video.

309
00:14:17.157 --> 00:14:19.392
So imagine what it'll sound like

310
00:14:19.492 --> 00:14:21.028
after that guy gets hair plugs.

311
00:14:22.795 --> 00:14:23.830
Pretty loud.

312
00:14:25.865 --> 00:14:30.037
I think another childish reason
I started to do comedy

313
00:14:30.137 --> 00:14:33.640
was that I thought it would
make people like me more.

314
00:14:33.740 --> 00:14:37.410
Which is... It's a very
kind of icky, insecure thing to say,

315
00:14:37.510 --> 00:14:38.878
but I did, you know?

316
00:14:38.979 --> 00:14:40.847
And I was young, I didn't know
at the time that, like,

317
00:14:40.948 --> 00:14:42.449
you can't control
what people like,

318
00:14:42.549 --> 00:14:44.784
you drive yourself crazy, right?

319
00:14:44.884 --> 00:14:47.354
And now I'm older,
and I feel like the cooler thing to say would be like,

320
00:14:47.454 --> 00:14:50.958
"Oh, now, I give zero fucks,"
you know?

321
00:14:51.058 --> 00:14:52.392
"Now I tell..." You know?

322
00:14:52.492 --> 00:14:54.361
But no, that's not me either.

323
00:14:57.664 --> 00:15:00.267
I give like 35, 36 fucks...

324
00:15:01.969 --> 00:15:03.203
...on a good day, so...

325
00:15:05.238 --> 00:15:07.607
Yeah. Plus, stand-up,
it's kind of a desperate,

326
00:15:07.707 --> 00:15:09.276
insecure thing to do, you know?

327
00:15:11.178 --> 00:15:12.812
All I do,
I come out here, I'm like,

328
00:15:12.912 --> 00:15:15.082
"And then what about this joke?
Do you like me?"

329
00:15:22.089 --> 00:15:23.923
"And then, remember,
I did the thing with the nose,

330
00:15:24.024 --> 00:15:24.992
then do you like me now?"

331
00:15:29.262 --> 00:15:30.930
You know, it's so disgusting.

332
00:15:33.900 --> 00:15:36.736
On top of that, sometimes,
you know, we do stand-up,

333
00:15:36.836 --> 00:15:40.073
we put our videos online,
some of those videos go viral.

334
00:15:40.173 --> 00:15:42.809
And then you not only learn
how much people like you,

335
00:15:43.843 --> 00:15:46.313
but also how much
people hate you...

336
00:15:46.413 --> 00:15:48.748
and want you to kill yourself
with a blunt object.

337
00:15:50.683 --> 00:15:51.718
Even on the weekends.

338
00:15:53.953 --> 00:15:56.823
Fun fact about me,
I like to read all of the comments.

339
00:15:57.857 --> 00:15:59.159
Yeah.

340
00:15:59.259 --> 00:16:01.528
And by "Read," I mean
I scroll past all the nicies,

341
00:16:01.628 --> 00:16:02.829
I get right to the meanies.

342
00:16:04.297 --> 00:16:06.466
Yeah, because the mean comments,

343
00:16:06.566 --> 00:16:08.935
those are the ones that count,
you know that, yeah?

344
00:16:09.036 --> 00:16:12.039
Mean comments,
those are the real ones, right?

345
00:16:12.139 --> 00:16:14.174
Because it's kind of like
how somebody compliments you.

346
00:16:14.274 --> 00:16:15.442
They're lying.

347
00:16:15.542 --> 00:16:16.543
They're lying
to your face, right?

348
00:16:16.643 --> 00:16:18.045
But if they insult you
behind your back,

349
00:16:18.145 --> 00:16:19.512
that's the God's honest truth.

350
00:16:21.414 --> 00:16:23.450
That's the purest form
of expression right there.

351
00:16:25.618 --> 00:16:28.955
So I'll just list off
some of my favorite

352
00:16:29.056 --> 00:16:30.190
mean comments, okay?

353
00:16:31.724 --> 00:16:33.293
We've got the classics, okay?

354
00:16:33.393 --> 00:16:36.696
The first one,
"I watched the whole video,

355
00:16:36.796 --> 00:16:38.031
"where were the jokes?"

356
00:16:39.166 --> 00:16:40.367
Which, hey...

357
00:16:41.334 --> 00:16:43.136
Look, he's a man, he's lost.

358
00:16:45.172 --> 00:16:47.440
I respect a man
who asks for directions.

359
00:16:51.178 --> 00:16:52.745
Number two,

360
00:16:52.845 --> 00:16:55.148
"Just more proof
women aren't funny."

361
00:16:56.749 --> 00:16:57.784
Yeah.

362
00:16:58.618 --> 00:16:59.719
Sorry, ladies.

363
00:17:00.920 --> 00:17:02.155
I set us back.

364
00:17:04.524 --> 00:17:07.560
And then three,
my personal favorite,

365
00:17:07.660 --> 00:17:10.930
"Don't quit your day job
at the massage parlor."

366
00:17:13.166 --> 00:17:14.334
Massage parlor.

367
00:17:14.434 --> 00:17:17.237
It's sort of a sexist,
racist reference, right,

368
00:17:17.337 --> 00:17:20.207
to women who work
at massage parlors,

369
00:17:20.307 --> 00:17:21.874
Asian women.

370
00:17:21.974 --> 00:17:25.678
They also maybe offer
sexual services like hand jobs.

371
00:17:25.778 --> 00:17:28.948
It's sex work, you know?
It's a way to pay the bills.

372
00:17:29.048 --> 00:17:31.618
But this guy thought
he was jabbing at me

373
00:17:31.718 --> 00:17:33.553
by being like,
"You should be doing that job

374
00:17:33.653 --> 00:17:35.388
"instead of the job
you want to be doing."

375
00:17:37.056 --> 00:17:41.428
But, uh,
you know, joke's on him,

376
00:17:41.528 --> 00:17:44.764
right, because one of my exes

377
00:17:44.864 --> 00:17:46.899
once described my hand jobs

378
00:17:46.999 --> 00:17:48.868
as "Kind of
on the painful side," so...

379
00:17:55.508 --> 00:17:57.810
I couldn't even get a job
at a massage parlor

380
00:17:57.910 --> 00:17:59.912
even if I wanted to, sir.

381
00:18:00.012 --> 00:18:01.481
Okay?

382
00:18:01.581 --> 00:18:03.283
Yeah. Yeah.

383
00:18:06.085 --> 00:18:07.120
Checkmate.

384
00:18:10.223 --> 00:18:11.391
No, but I'm not gonna lie.

385
00:18:11.491 --> 00:18:13.593
Some of those
mean comments, they got to me.

386
00:18:13.693 --> 00:18:15.995
All right? I have thin skin.

387
00:18:16.095 --> 00:18:19.766
Okay? I was raised by loving,
caring parents, so...

388
00:18:19.866 --> 00:18:22.769
We all know that makes you
into a bit of a beta cuck.

389
00:18:25.938 --> 00:18:28.975
You know, I kind of started
to give up on comedy.

390
00:18:29.075 --> 00:18:30.042
You know, I would...

391
00:18:30.143 --> 00:18:31.611
I just felt
like I wasn't good at it.

392
00:18:31.711 --> 00:18:34.080
Why bother, you know?

393
00:18:34.181 --> 00:18:37.083
And I would still perform,
I would still do it,

394
00:18:37.184 --> 00:18:40.620
but I just...
My heart wasn't in it anymore.

395
00:18:40.720 --> 00:18:42.789
Kind of like the way
I give hand jobs.

396
00:18:45.225 --> 00:18:47.160
But don't worry.
I started to focus on new goals.

397
00:18:47.260 --> 00:18:48.695
You know, new goals.

398
00:18:48.795 --> 00:18:52.232
Things I felt like I could
actually accomplish, right?

399
00:18:52.332 --> 00:18:55.968
Like, for instance, this is new
for me to say out loud,

400
00:18:56.068 --> 00:18:59.906
but it's actually one
of my lifelong goals now, um...

401
00:19:00.607 --> 00:19:01.874
to never be murdered.

402
00:19:01.974 --> 00:19:04.311
Never...

403
00:19:04.411 --> 00:19:05.812
Yeah. Thank you.

404
00:19:05.912 --> 00:19:07.314
Wow. Get that off my chest.

405
00:19:08.748 --> 00:19:09.949
Yeah.

406
00:19:10.049 --> 00:19:11.318
I know, very ambitious of me.

407
00:19:11.418 --> 00:19:14.287
I put it on my vision board
and everything.

408
00:19:14.387 --> 00:19:17.624
Not even once,
but I've taken steps to get there.

409
00:19:17.724 --> 00:19:19.192
Like, I got pepper spray.

410
00:19:19.292 --> 00:19:21.027
Yeah.

411
00:19:21.127 --> 00:19:23.396
Baby's first pepper spray.
Hell, yeah.

412
00:19:23.496 --> 00:19:24.831
I got that guy in my purse,

413
00:19:24.931 --> 00:19:26.899
so if anyone's thinking
of attacking me

414
00:19:26.999 --> 00:19:28.000
after the show...

415
00:19:29.502 --> 00:19:30.670
...game on, buddy.

416
00:19:33.840 --> 00:19:36.209
I actually ordered it online,
the pepper spray.

417
00:19:36.309 --> 00:19:37.377
It came in the mail.

418
00:19:37.477 --> 00:19:39.312
It's kind of in a hard,
plastic casing.

419
00:19:39.412 --> 00:19:42.315
I couldn't... you know,
I was trying to get it open, but I'm pretty weak,

420
00:19:42.415 --> 00:19:44.651
which is why
I need the pepper spray. Um...

421
00:19:44.751 --> 00:19:46.085
I try to get in there...

422
00:19:46.185 --> 00:19:48.087
So, it's it's in my bag,

423
00:19:48.187 --> 00:19:49.656
but it's still stuck
in the plastic.

424
00:19:52.259 --> 00:19:54.594
I'm just hoping a guy
pulls a knife on me soon,

425
00:19:54.694 --> 00:19:57.964
so he can help me
fucking open that thing.

426
00:20:00.199 --> 00:20:02.335
Damn it, I'll spray him
in the eyes as a thank you.

427
00:20:04.637 --> 00:20:06.105
Another self-defense tip,
they say,

428
00:20:06.205 --> 00:20:07.940
is like, say you're walking
alone at night,

429
00:20:08.040 --> 00:20:11.511
you know, and your pepper spray
is still stuck in the plastic,

430
00:20:11.611 --> 00:20:14.681
you can actually use
your car keys or house keys

431
00:20:14.781 --> 00:20:16.048
and put them
in between your fingers.

432
00:20:16.148 --> 00:20:17.183
Kind of like this.

433
00:20:18.551 --> 00:20:21.187
And then you're Wolverine
and you can't die.

434
00:20:21.288 --> 00:20:22.355
Yeah, you just heal.

435
00:20:22.455 --> 00:20:24.156
It's crazy.
You're in a ton of movies.

436
00:20:24.824 --> 00:20:27.760
Jacked his fuck. Uh...

437
00:20:27.860 --> 00:20:30.563
No, that's sort of a weapon,
right, when you put it there.

438
00:20:30.663 --> 00:20:33.400
Or actually, you hold it
like a knife, that's better.

439
00:20:33.500 --> 00:20:35.134
And then, you know,
if an aggressor

440
00:20:35.234 --> 00:20:37.304
or a murderer
is coming at you, right,

441
00:20:37.404 --> 00:20:39.071
you take that...

442
00:20:39.171 --> 00:20:42.309
You take that
and then you stab him in the throat!

443
00:20:42.409 --> 00:20:43.743
You get him
right in the soft spot!

444
00:20:43.843 --> 00:20:45.512
Yeah.

445
00:20:48.748 --> 00:20:50.783
Or her. Or her, you know?

446
00:20:50.883 --> 00:20:53.653
Right? Because I'm a feminist.

447
00:20:53.753 --> 00:20:55.488
Okay?

448
00:20:55.588 --> 00:20:58.925
And look,
I believe in equal pay, but also equal stabbing.

449
00:21:00.259 --> 00:21:01.961
#closethestabgap

450
00:21:03.029 --> 00:21:04.464
We have that power.
All right, no.

451
00:21:04.564 --> 00:21:05.998
I mean, you know,
you have that weapon,

452
00:21:06.098 --> 00:21:07.900
and then you stab him
or her in the throat,

453
00:21:08.000 --> 00:21:09.035
get him there...

454
00:21:11.504 --> 00:21:13.940
And also, what is gender, right?

455
00:21:15.908 --> 00:21:18.445
Really, because
statistically, yes,

456
00:21:18.545 --> 00:21:20.012
my attacker
is gonna be a cis-man.

457
00:21:20.112 --> 00:21:21.614
but why is that, huh?

458
00:21:23.182 --> 00:21:25.585
Is it because, you know,
we condition men

459
00:21:25.685 --> 00:21:29.121
to only express their emotion
through anger, violence?

460
00:21:30.357 --> 00:21:31.624
When he's trying to hurt me,

461
00:21:31.724 --> 00:21:34.661
is it because he's the one
who's hurt?

462
00:21:36.295 --> 00:21:37.330
On the inside.

463
00:21:40.032 --> 00:21:41.568
So anyway,
you stab him in the throat,

464
00:21:42.769 --> 00:21:44.303
you get him
right in the jugular,

465
00:21:44.404 --> 00:21:45.472
you let him bleed out,

466
00:21:51.277 --> 00:21:54.647
and then who's
the murderer now? Hoo-hoo. -

467
00:21:54.747 --> 00:21:57.450
Ooh, yeah. The woman. Oh!

468
00:21:57.550 --> 00:21:59.952
A little subversion.

469
00:22:01.821 --> 00:22:04.491
The student becomes the teacher,
as they say.

470
00:22:05.958 --> 00:22:07.560
Yes.

471
00:22:07.660 --> 00:22:08.861
I talk about self-defense a lot.

472
00:22:08.961 --> 00:22:10.997
I think about it too much,
I think.

473
00:22:11.097 --> 00:22:14.534
It's because, you know, look,
do other women feel this way?

474
00:22:14.634 --> 00:22:16.503
I feel like I was raised,
as a girl,

475
00:22:16.603 --> 00:22:19.238
to just be like a prey animal,
you know?

476
00:22:19.338 --> 00:22:20.707
Just like a field rabbit
out there,

477
00:22:20.807 --> 00:22:22.675
just with ears and eyes
looking out for rapists.

478
00:22:22.775 --> 00:22:25.812
Where's the rapists?

479
00:22:25.912 --> 00:22:28.214
I'm sorry.
I looked right at my dad when I said that.

480
00:22:28.314 --> 00:22:29.649
I'm sorry.

481
00:22:29.749 --> 00:22:31.484
We'll talk about it later.
We'll talk about it later.

482
00:22:34.854 --> 00:22:37.323
Where's the rapist?
You know, it's just... It's instinct.

483
00:22:39.358 --> 00:22:41.928
Honestly, it's because
I had a very cautious mom,

484
00:22:42.028 --> 00:22:43.763
growing up, you know?

485
00:22:43.863 --> 00:22:49.035
Even for tonight's show,
she was a little bit like, "Okay, are you sure

486
00:22:50.002 --> 00:22:51.638
"it's a comedy show taping?"

487
00:22:54.040 --> 00:22:57.343
"It's... It's not a trap..."

488
00:22:59.278 --> 00:23:01.013
"...set by child molesters?"

489
00:23:02.449 --> 00:23:04.417
My mom also will do that thing

490
00:23:04.517 --> 00:23:06.385
where she likes
to pre-traumatize me

491
00:23:07.854 --> 00:23:10.923
in order to scare me away
from real trauma, right?

492
00:23:11.023 --> 00:23:14.126
Like, get this, she'll just...

493
00:23:14.226 --> 00:23:17.630
message me details
about local murders.

494
00:23:17.730 --> 00:23:20.299
Just two keep me on my toes,
you know?

495
00:23:22.802 --> 00:23:24.437
She texted me, "Hey, Sierra,

496
00:23:25.738 --> 00:23:27.073
"there was a girl nearby.

497
00:23:29.175 --> 00:23:30.142
"About your age."

498
00:23:32.879 --> 00:23:33.880
"Kind of looked like you."

499
00:23:36.549 --> 00:23:37.784
"She was dragged out
into the woods,

500
00:23:37.884 --> 00:23:40.653
"raped, murdered, beheaded,
the whole shebang.

501
00:23:40.753 --> 00:23:42.121
"Police never found a trace.

502
00:23:45.157 --> 00:23:46.959
"So be careful out there."

503
00:23:50.863 --> 00:23:53.633
I look at that, I go,
"Whoa,

504
00:23:53.733 --> 00:23:56.402
"police never found a trace,
then, Mom, how do you know?

505
00:23:56.503 --> 00:23:57.604
"Did you kill
this bitch? Jesus."

506
00:23:59.405 --> 00:24:01.273
Oh, my God.

507
00:24:01.373 --> 00:24:03.876
My dad had a slightly
different technique.

508
00:24:03.976 --> 00:24:07.113
I remember,
when I was a kid, you know, I was getting ready for bed,

509
00:24:07.213 --> 00:24:10.783
and in my childhood bedroom,
my bed was right by the window.

510
00:24:11.951 --> 00:24:12.985
My first mistake.

511
00:24:14.621 --> 00:24:17.456
Because little did I know,
my dad had exited the house,

512
00:24:17.557 --> 00:24:19.458
scurried around the perimeter,

513
00:24:19.559 --> 00:24:21.027
and then popped his head
right by my bed!

514
00:24:24.296 --> 00:24:28.467
And you know
how there's fight or flight,

515
00:24:28.568 --> 00:24:29.936
two really good
survival instincts

516
00:24:30.036 --> 00:24:31.403
we should all partake in.

517
00:24:32.639 --> 00:24:34.707
Well, I chose option C,
and I just froze.

518
00:24:36.876 --> 00:24:38.611
And he looked at that
and said, "See,

519
00:24:39.712 --> 00:24:41.013
"you would have been dead."

520
00:24:41.113 --> 00:24:43.049
And then poof, he disappeared.

521
00:24:43.149 --> 00:24:44.250
I never saw him again.

522
00:24:46.052 --> 00:24:49.055
He stuck around
and raised me, but, hey... -

523
00:24:49.155 --> 00:24:50.322
...I'm lucky to be alive, right?

524
00:24:50.422 --> 00:24:52.324
We don't thank
our fathers enough

525
00:24:52.424 --> 00:24:54.326
for not just murdering us
in our sleep, I think.

526
00:24:56.162 --> 00:24:58.665
I know my parents
do these weird things because they...

527
00:24:58.765 --> 00:25:01.333
They worry, you know?

528
00:25:01.433 --> 00:25:04.203
And look, I get it,
I'm their only daughter

529
00:25:05.638 --> 00:25:07.674
who's not my bitch
of a sister, so...

530
00:25:08.608 --> 00:25:11.110
Yikes. The stakes are high.

531
00:25:13.079 --> 00:25:15.414
I'm kidding. My sister's
here, too. Shout out to her.

532
00:25:15.514 --> 00:25:18.117
We'll talk about it later.

533
00:25:20.452 --> 00:25:21.721
I love my sister. Uh...

534
00:25:21.821 --> 00:25:23.890
I hope this is okay
for me to stay here.

535
00:25:25.091 --> 00:25:27.526
She has actually
some exciting news.

536
00:25:27.627 --> 00:25:30.329
Uh, my sister is trying
to get pregnant.

537
00:25:36.135 --> 00:25:37.169
Bit of a slut.

538
00:25:38.805 --> 00:25:40.406
Slutty thing to do. Uh...

539
00:25:41.708 --> 00:25:45.578
No, I'm kidding.
Her and her long-term husband

540
00:25:45.678 --> 00:25:48.615
are having
unprotected sex, so... -

541
00:25:48.715 --> 00:25:49.982
TMI. Uh...

542
00:25:51.718 --> 00:25:53.019
No, I'm excited for them,

543
00:25:53.119 --> 00:25:55.421
and I'm excited to be an aunt
for the first time.

544
00:25:55.521 --> 00:25:57.857
Yeah, I know.

545
00:25:57.957 --> 00:26:00.893
I'm gonna be a fun aunt,
or a funt. That's...

546
00:26:02.161 --> 00:26:03.562
Funty Sierra, Dirty Little Funt,

547
00:26:03.663 --> 00:26:05.898
whatever the kid
wants to call me. -

548
00:26:05.998 --> 00:26:07.033
Whatever sticks.

549
00:26:08.901 --> 00:26:12.705
But I think when people hear,
you know, my sister is married,

550
00:26:12.805 --> 00:26:14.941
she's apparently having
more productive sex than me...

551
00:26:16.442 --> 00:26:19.545
...they think
that I might feel a little inferior.

552
00:26:19.646 --> 00:26:21.748
No, I'm...

553
00:26:21.848 --> 00:26:24.583
I don't feel in competition
with my sister. I...

554
00:26:24.684 --> 00:26:26.285
She won that
a long time ago. Uh...

555
00:26:28.120 --> 00:26:31.090
If anything,
I feel in competition with...

556
00:26:31.190 --> 00:26:32.792
her unborn baby, right?

557
00:26:34.026 --> 00:26:36.162
Yeah.

558
00:26:36.262 --> 00:26:39.398
Listen, I've been the baby
of the family, right?

559
00:26:39.498 --> 00:26:41.668
Undefeated champ.

560
00:26:41.768 --> 00:26:44.270
Now a real baby
is gonna come in and take my spot? Mmm.

561
00:26:45.171 --> 00:26:46.906
Don't think so.

562
00:26:47.006 --> 00:26:48.340
I'm gonna have to fight
this baby.

563
00:26:49.876 --> 00:26:52.244
Okay? I don't want
to have to do it.

564
00:26:52.344 --> 00:26:53.880
But as the prophecy foretells,

565
00:26:55.547 --> 00:26:57.483
neither can live
while the other survives.

566
00:26:59.185 --> 00:27:01.287
That's a Harry Potter
Voldemort reference.

567
00:27:01.387 --> 00:27:02.922
Some of you laughed.

568
00:27:03.022 --> 00:27:04.623
Those are
the J. K. Rowling apologists.

569
00:27:04.724 --> 00:27:05.992
Get them out of the building.

570
00:27:08.460 --> 00:27:11.263
I should come clean.
That baby's been born. That baby...

571
00:27:11.363 --> 00:27:13.032
That's an old joke. So...

572
00:27:14.433 --> 00:27:16.335
I know. That baby's, like,

573
00:27:16.435 --> 00:27:18.070
32. I don't know
what the fuck...

574
00:27:18.971 --> 00:27:20.106
Why am I still saying that joke?

575
00:27:20.206 --> 00:27:21.640
It's a funny joke, right?

576
00:27:21.741 --> 00:27:23.676
What am I gonna do?
Write a new one? Are you kidding me?

577
00:27:25.812 --> 00:27:28.681
One thing they do say is,
if your sibling has a kid,

578
00:27:28.781 --> 00:27:30.116
you're more likely
to have a kid.

579
00:27:32.151 --> 00:27:33.619
Challenge accepted, right?

580
00:27:34.553 --> 00:27:35.621
Let's see that happen.

581
00:27:35.722 --> 00:27:38.157
I don't know.
I get it. I get it, right.

582
00:27:38.257 --> 00:27:39.525
Because I love
my nephew so much.

583
00:27:39.625 --> 00:27:41.460
He's so cute.
And I'm his little funty.

584
00:27:41.560 --> 00:27:42.862
So cute, right?

585
00:27:42.962 --> 00:27:44.496
I love him...

586
00:27:44.596 --> 00:27:46.933
And my favorite thing about him
is that he's not mine. Right?

587
00:27:48.534 --> 00:27:50.302
He's not mine.
We've have fun tonight. Okay, enough.

588
00:27:50.402 --> 00:27:52.671
No-take-back-ies.

589
00:27:53.272 --> 00:27:54.340
Ew.

590
00:27:56.642 --> 00:27:59.578
And things remind me more
of having kids, though.

591
00:27:59.678 --> 00:28:01.647
Like, I was just driving
on the freeway,

592
00:28:01.748 --> 00:28:03.182
I saw this billboard,

593
00:28:03.282 --> 00:28:07.686
and it had a little cute,
little baby handprint on it.

594
00:28:07.787 --> 00:28:10.389
And it said, "Fingerprints
at nine weeks."

595
00:28:11.657 --> 00:28:14.861
So I guess it was
an anti-abortion billboard

596
00:28:14.961 --> 00:28:17.329
that was basically saying,
like, at nine weeks,

597
00:28:17.429 --> 00:28:20.733
the embryo developed something
resembling fingerprints.

598
00:28:20.833 --> 00:28:22.668
So maybe think about it.

599
00:28:24.136 --> 00:28:25.905
Right? I was like, "Oh, shit."

600
00:28:27.173 --> 00:28:28.875
So if I were to get pregnant,

601
00:28:28.975 --> 00:28:31.878
and then the embryo
had fingerprints

602
00:28:31.978 --> 00:28:33.245
unique to that embryo,

603
00:28:34.814 --> 00:28:37.349
and then that embryo
commits a crime,

604
00:28:37.449 --> 00:28:39.518
that crime can get traced
back to me.

605
00:28:39.618 --> 00:28:41.854
Oh, fuck, no!
I better abort the shit out of the embryo!

606
00:28:41.954 --> 00:28:44.356
Kidding me? Right?

607
00:28:46.025 --> 00:28:48.027
I was on the fence before,
but then I saw that billboard,

608
00:28:48.127 --> 00:28:49.361
I was like,
"Jesus Christ, yeah.

609
00:28:49.461 --> 00:28:51.230
"Scrape this criminal clump
of cells out of me."

610
00:28:51.330 --> 00:28:52.731
Ugh!

611
00:28:53.399 --> 00:28:54.433
No give-back-sies.

612
00:28:57.336 --> 00:28:58.971
So, yeah, and I'm at
a stage in my life

613
00:28:59.071 --> 00:29:00.739
where, you know, I don't see

614
00:29:00.840 --> 00:29:02.775
a lot of failed abortions
running around.

615
00:29:02.875 --> 00:29:06.012
Or kids. Sorry.
Kids running around. Jesus, what do you call them?

616
00:29:07.413 --> 00:29:09.581
I don't see
a lot of kids, sorry,

617
00:29:09.681 --> 00:29:11.383
running around.

618
00:29:11.483 --> 00:29:13.419
I don't have a lot of friends
who have kids, right?

619
00:29:13.519 --> 00:29:15.221
I'm a childless adult
living in a city.

620
00:29:15.321 --> 00:29:18.557
So, you know, I see kids on TV.

621
00:29:20.927 --> 00:29:23.562
Which, kids on TV,
they're not like kids in real life.

622
00:29:23.662 --> 00:29:24.696
They don't tell you this.

623
00:29:26.198 --> 00:29:29.268
Kids on TV, they're like, 25.

624
00:29:32.271 --> 00:29:33.272
Pretty hot.

625
00:29:36.943 --> 00:29:38.811
Kids in real life, young.

626
00:29:41.013 --> 00:29:42.348
Ugly as fuck.

627
00:29:45.451 --> 00:29:47.653
I live very close
to a middle school, though,

628
00:29:47.753 --> 00:29:50.256
which, I realize, if I peek
outside my window

629
00:29:50.356 --> 00:29:51.523
at just the right time...

630
00:29:51.623 --> 00:29:53.659
Sorry, that's creepy.
At just the wrong time...

631
00:29:55.061 --> 00:29:56.662
Sorry.

632
00:29:56.762 --> 00:29:58.831
I see kids walking home
from school, you know?

633
00:29:58.931 --> 00:30:00.532
And it's beautiful, you know,
it's nice to see,

634
00:30:00.632 --> 00:30:02.801
like, the youth
still thriving out there.

635
00:30:02.902 --> 00:30:05.504
Yeah, because I mean, for me,

636
00:30:05.604 --> 00:30:09.141
spotting a kid
in the wild today,

637
00:30:09.241 --> 00:30:11.978
it's like spotting a classic car
still on the road.

638
00:30:13.079 --> 00:30:15.081
You know? "Wow.

639
00:30:15.181 --> 00:30:16.715
"I didn't know people
were still making those."

640
00:30:20.052 --> 00:30:22.354
Didn't we agree
they're kind of bad for the environment?

641
00:30:27.994 --> 00:30:29.161
I guess it's fine.

642
00:30:32.398 --> 00:30:33.966
But clearly, I don't know
if I want kids.

643
00:30:34.066 --> 00:30:36.202
You know, could still happen.

644
00:30:36.302 --> 00:30:37.703
I recently got engaged.

645
00:30:40.006 --> 00:30:41.040
Yeah.

646
00:30:41.807 --> 00:30:42.841
Thank you.

647
00:30:44.276 --> 00:30:45.344
To the love of my life.

648
00:30:45.444 --> 00:30:46.678
You know, we met really young.

649
00:30:46.778 --> 00:30:48.580
We met when I was 19,

650
00:30:48.680 --> 00:30:50.416
and he was 47, and...

651
00:30:53.785 --> 00:30:56.588
No, he was 12.
He went to the middle school, so it was really convenient.

652
00:30:59.391 --> 00:31:01.327
No. No, he was a year older.

653
00:31:01.427 --> 00:31:02.794
We met my second year
of college,

654
00:31:02.895 --> 00:31:06.265
and then we've been together
ever since, so yeah.

655
00:31:06.365 --> 00:31:08.567
Thank you. Yeah.

656
00:31:11.170 --> 00:31:15.908
And, hey, that was eight years
before we got engaged.

657
00:31:16.008 --> 00:31:19.078
So, yeah. I mean,
I think being together that long,

658
00:31:19.178 --> 00:31:20.412
I wanted the engagement

659
00:31:20.512 --> 00:31:23.449
to feel less
like a traditional betrothal

660
00:31:23.549 --> 00:31:25.918
and more like an ultimatum.

661
00:31:26.018 --> 00:31:27.819
You know.

662
00:31:30.022 --> 00:31:31.390
But hey, gun to his head,

663
00:31:31.490 --> 00:31:34.726
he fucking committed.
You know what I mean? Aww.

664
00:31:34.826 --> 00:31:37.196
If that's not true love,
I don't want it.

665
00:31:39.798 --> 00:31:41.767
I'm super lucky. I feel lucky.

666
00:31:41.867 --> 00:31:43.269
Any other long-termers out here?

667
00:31:43.369 --> 00:31:45.037
Long-term relationship folks.

668
00:31:45.137 --> 00:31:47.073
All right, all right.

669
00:31:47.173 --> 00:31:48.874
Okay. My parents didn't cheer.

670
00:31:48.975 --> 00:31:51.343
Wow. Um...

671
00:31:51.443 --> 00:31:55.547
Because of my situation,
I haven't really dated in my adult life.

672
00:31:55.647 --> 00:31:57.149
I know
that's a little controversial

673
00:31:57.249 --> 00:31:59.585
when I tell single friends
who have been single for a while.

674
00:32:00.852 --> 00:32:02.721
It's kind of like telling
a war veteran

675
00:32:02.821 --> 00:32:04.056
that you dodged the draft.

676
00:32:05.857 --> 00:32:08.460
You're like, "Oh, my God,
I'm sorry."

677
00:32:09.595 --> 00:32:10.796
Bone spurs.

678
00:32:14.166 --> 00:32:16.502
And my single friends,
they always want to tell me

679
00:32:16.602 --> 00:32:19.271
their horror stories
of dating. Phew.

680
00:32:19.371 --> 00:32:20.939
Right. They're like...
"You do not know

681
00:32:21.940 --> 00:32:23.109
"what I've been through."

682
00:32:24.243 --> 00:32:26.012
Which...

683
00:32:26.112 --> 00:32:28.114
All my single friends smoke,
I guess, that's why they sound like that.

684
00:32:28.214 --> 00:32:29.815
But...

685
00:32:30.949 --> 00:32:32.584
They're like,
"Back in '22..."

686
00:32:33.085 --> 00:32:34.486
Jesus.

687
00:32:34.586 --> 00:32:38.290
"Back in '22, we lost
my best friend, Lisa,

688
00:32:38.390 --> 00:32:40.026
"to a flotilla of fuckboys."

689
00:32:42.928 --> 00:32:45.397
These fuckboys,
they're coming by land and by sea.

690
00:32:47.066 --> 00:32:48.734
They'll be like,
"Back in 'Nam..."

691
00:32:50.369 --> 00:32:53.305
Which 'Nam? That's just
a Vietnamese restaurant

692
00:32:53.405 --> 00:32:55.141
they go on dates to.
I don't know.

693
00:32:55.241 --> 00:32:57.443
What do they call it?
It's just pho, okay?

694
00:32:57.543 --> 00:32:58.577
"Back in 'Nam,

695
00:33:00.379 --> 00:33:02.781
"a date offered to pay,

696
00:33:02.881 --> 00:33:04.983
"and then he Venmo requested me
on the way home."

697
00:33:08.054 --> 00:33:09.088
It's my fault.

698
00:33:11.023 --> 00:33:14.060
Yeah. So, hey, to all
my single folks out there,

699
00:33:14.160 --> 00:33:17.163
thank you for your service.
Really. Yeah. -

700
00:33:23.335 --> 00:33:24.903
Because of you,
we are free, right?

701
00:33:28.040 --> 00:33:30.076
No.

702
00:33:30.176 --> 00:33:32.978
But the last time I dated,
I was in college, you know?

703
00:33:33.079 --> 00:33:35.481
So that mindset
is still tied to that time.

704
00:33:35.581 --> 00:33:37.549
So, if anyone hits on me now,

705
00:33:37.649 --> 00:33:39.017
I'm like, "God, pedophile."

706
00:33:39.118 --> 00:33:41.453
"I'm 16."

707
00:33:43.689 --> 00:33:45.557
Which then I realized,
"Fuck, I'm a grown woman.

708
00:33:45.657 --> 00:33:49.261
"Actually, you have great taste
and you're not a pedophile.

709
00:33:49.361 --> 00:33:52.531
"But ta-ta, I am betrothed
to another," you know?

710
00:33:52.631 --> 00:33:54.233
I haven't been single
in a while. I don't know how to talk.

711
00:33:56.235 --> 00:33:58.837
Speaking of getting hit on,
though, I was recently

712
00:33:58.937 --> 00:34:00.472
hit on by a teen.

713
00:34:03.675 --> 00:34:04.776
Still got it. Okay.

714
00:34:06.978 --> 00:34:08.247
All right.
Who's the pedophile now?

715
00:34:08.347 --> 00:34:10.116
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

716
00:34:10.216 --> 00:34:12.084
No, I said "no," of course.

717
00:34:13.385 --> 00:34:15.053
And look, I knew he was a teen

718
00:34:15.154 --> 00:34:18.757
because he had the acne
for the job.

719
00:34:18.857 --> 00:34:21.493
He was wearing a sweatshirt
that said "Class of 2088"

720
00:34:21.593 --> 00:34:23.162
or whatever godforsaken year

721
00:34:23.995 --> 00:34:25.264
they're graduating in.

722
00:34:26.965 --> 00:34:28.700
And he thought
I was a fellow teen

723
00:34:28.800 --> 00:34:32.271
because, you know, I can look
a little younger than I am.

724
00:34:32.371 --> 00:34:33.905
Especially if I'm not
wearing makeup.

725
00:34:34.906 --> 00:34:36.708
And if I'm wearing
a backpack...

726
00:34:38.244 --> 00:34:40.246
...with school supplies in it.

727
00:34:40.346 --> 00:34:41.747
A little protractor
sticking out,

728
00:34:41.847 --> 00:34:43.882
you know, it tends
to age me down.

729
00:34:45.684 --> 00:34:50.656
I'm also a longtime subscriber
to "Asian don't raisin."

730
00:34:50.756 --> 00:34:52.591
You guys... Yeah.

731
00:34:53.359 --> 00:34:54.626
I didn't make that up.

732
00:34:54.726 --> 00:34:56.428
Okay, right. Asian don't raisin.
That's sort of a...

733
00:34:56.528 --> 00:34:59.064
It's a rhyme. It just means
Asians age well.

734
00:34:59.165 --> 00:35:02.234
It's similar
to "Black don't crack"

735
00:35:02.334 --> 00:35:03.935
or "Brown don't frown."

736
00:35:05.271 --> 00:35:07.406
Yeah, you know, I don't know
why we keep

737
00:35:07.506 --> 00:35:09.641
all these weirdly racist
rhymes around.

738
00:35:09.741 --> 00:35:12.077
It's just, you know, it's a lot.
It's a lot of words.

739
00:35:13.279 --> 00:35:16.182
Just... Kind of just say,

740
00:35:16.282 --> 00:35:18.484
"White people don't age
so well." You know?

741
00:35:20.051 --> 00:35:21.620
I don't know why we're tiptoeing
around that one, right?

742
00:35:21.720 --> 00:35:23.622
Woo. You know?

743
00:35:26.592 --> 00:35:29.094
And hey, look, it's beautiful
to age.

744
00:35:29.195 --> 00:35:32.030
It's not... It's totally fine
to age, I think.

745
00:35:32.130 --> 00:35:35.133
It means you lived your life.
You know, nothing wrong with that.

746
00:35:35.234 --> 00:35:37.002
But I'm just saying
for, like, efficiency sake,

747
00:35:37.102 --> 00:35:40.138
you know, if we could just do
one rhyme, cut to the chase.

748
00:35:40.239 --> 00:35:42.708
We're not getting any younger.
Especially not white people, so...

749
00:35:45.477 --> 00:35:46.612
I said it again.

750
00:35:48.046 --> 00:35:50.449
But what about
"Caucasians do raisin." That's...

751
00:35:52.984 --> 00:35:54.353
That's right there.
Ready to go.

752
00:35:56.121 --> 00:35:57.856
"White guys better moisturize."
That one...

753
00:36:00.792 --> 00:36:04.796
Right. It's gendered,
but it has instructions baked in, so...

754
00:36:04.896 --> 00:36:06.632
I'd love to lotion,
throw in some sunscreen.

755
00:36:06.732 --> 00:36:07.766
Get a little crazy.

756
00:36:09.401 --> 00:36:11.870
And it's not all
it's cracked up to be to look young

757
00:36:11.970 --> 00:36:13.639
or, you know...
I think sometimes

758
00:36:13.739 --> 00:36:17.376
I feel young
and unaccomplished for my age.

759
00:36:17.909 --> 00:36:19.211
Yeah.

760
00:36:19.311 --> 00:36:22.381
Like, I did this recently.
Don't do this.

761
00:36:22.481 --> 00:36:24.650
I compared
where I'm at in my life

762
00:36:24.750 --> 00:36:26.051
to my parents at my age.

763
00:36:26.852 --> 00:36:27.919
Yeah.

764
00:36:28.019 --> 00:36:30.489
Get this, by my age, 28,

765
00:36:30.589 --> 00:36:33.992
my dad already had
a full-grown mustache.

766
00:36:34.092 --> 00:36:37.062
Just a full mouth bush.

767
00:36:37.162 --> 00:36:39.130
I'm still over here
penciling my eyebrows.

768
00:36:40.031 --> 00:36:42.033
Like a fucking dunce.

769
00:36:44.336 --> 00:36:46.505
Probably the most mature thing
that I've done

770
00:36:47.606 --> 00:36:49.241
so far,

771
00:36:49.341 --> 00:36:51.710
is buy a duvet cover. That's...

772
00:36:53.044 --> 00:36:55.814
Yeah. Hey. You know, yeah.

773
00:36:57.048 --> 00:36:59.418
I made a little money last year.

774
00:36:59.518 --> 00:37:02.053
Decided to splurge, and...

775
00:37:02.153 --> 00:37:04.189
You know, what they don't say
is basically,

776
00:37:04.290 --> 00:37:05.557
a duvet cover, fancy name,

777
00:37:05.657 --> 00:37:08.226
but it's basically just a condom
for your comforter,

778
00:37:08.327 --> 00:37:09.761
are you kidding me?

779
00:37:09.861 --> 00:37:13.765
Right? Practice
safe sleep, kids. It's very simple.

780
00:37:13.865 --> 00:37:17.903
But what they don't tell you
about the duvet cover tax bracket,

781
00:37:18.003 --> 00:37:21.540
is I woke up
after just one sleep

782
00:37:21.640 --> 00:37:23.442
and all the meat of the duvet

783
00:37:23.542 --> 00:37:26.144
was just pushed
to the back corner... -

784
00:37:26.244 --> 00:37:28.079
...of the cover.
Are you kidding me?

785
00:37:28.179 --> 00:37:29.615
Right? Just all of it
to the back.

786
00:37:29.715 --> 00:37:34.219
And I had to spend
my precious unemployed hours

787
00:37:34.320 --> 00:37:36.455
just fucking kneading
that thing back to factory.

788
00:37:36.555 --> 00:37:38.089
Just smoothing that out
with a rolling pin.

789
00:37:38.189 --> 00:37:40.659
Holding the corners
like a shivering Chihuahua.

790
00:37:42.694 --> 00:37:43.729
Degrading.

791
00:37:44.730 --> 00:37:46.898
You know? Biggie was right.

792
00:37:48.400 --> 00:37:49.835
"More money, more problems."

793
00:37:52.404 --> 00:37:54.272
Yeah.

794
00:37:58.276 --> 00:38:00.479
So...

795
00:38:00.579 --> 00:38:02.681
You bet the next day
I went back to raw-dogging it.

796
00:38:02.781 --> 00:38:05.651
You know, I just...

797
00:38:05.751 --> 00:38:07.453
I remember
where I came from. And...

798
00:38:09.555 --> 00:38:10.822
I also bought myself a couch.

799
00:38:11.890 --> 00:38:14.259
Yeah.

800
00:38:14.360 --> 00:38:16.294
Off of Craigslist,
because I like a little danger.

801
00:38:16.395 --> 00:38:18.697
And...

802
00:38:18.797 --> 00:38:20.766
Yeah, I was proud
of this sale, you know,

803
00:38:20.866 --> 00:38:24.536
because, look, I negotiated
to get the seller

804
00:38:24.636 --> 00:38:27.272
to come deliver the couch
for me for free.

805
00:38:27.373 --> 00:38:29.307
So not only did I get
a pretty decent couch

806
00:38:29.408 --> 00:38:30.642
for a good price,

807
00:38:30.742 --> 00:38:33.479
I also got a stranger
to know where I live...

808
00:38:34.780 --> 00:38:36.181
...and know I'm too weak
to carry a couch,

809
00:38:36.281 --> 00:38:39.451
let alone defend myself. So...

810
00:38:39.551 --> 00:38:41.387
So I hope he helps me open
my pepper spray

811
00:38:41.487 --> 00:38:43.422
so I can...

812
00:38:46.592 --> 00:38:48.360
Comparison is tough, okay?

813
00:38:48.460 --> 00:38:50.462
I had a tough time
with it recently

814
00:38:50.562 --> 00:38:52.297
because, as a comedian,
sometimes you get hired

815
00:38:52.398 --> 00:38:55.166
to perform for universities,
for the students,

816
00:38:55.266 --> 00:38:58.069
and I recently went
to the UCLA Medical School

817
00:38:58.169 --> 00:39:00.171
and performed
for the students there.

818
00:39:00.271 --> 00:39:01.673
Yeah.

819
00:39:01.773 --> 00:39:04.042
It was for the Asian
American Student Association there.

820
00:39:04.142 --> 00:39:06.378
So, you know,
most of the medical school, right?

821
00:39:06.478 --> 00:39:07.846
We're doing okay.
We're doing all right.

822
00:39:07.946 --> 00:39:09.047
Don't worry about us.

823
00:39:11.282 --> 00:39:13.885
And when I got there, you know,
a lot of the students were younger than me,

824
00:39:13.985 --> 00:39:16.722
and they were about to graduate,
become doctors.

825
00:39:16.822 --> 00:39:20.058
And I told them, I was like,
"You guys should be so proud. You've made it."

826
00:39:20.158 --> 00:39:21.893
Right, and they kind of
turned it on me.

827
00:39:21.993 --> 00:39:25.230
They were like,
"Well, Sierra as a comedian, when will you know

828
00:39:26.097 --> 00:39:27.065
"you've made it?"

829
00:39:34.806 --> 00:39:38.744
So, yeah, I was like, "Okay,

830
00:39:40.045 --> 00:39:43.682
"well, comedy,
it's not as simple as medicine,

831
00:39:43.782 --> 00:39:45.717
"okay?"

832
00:39:45.817 --> 00:39:48.386
You're there, what, four years?
They don't teach you that? Okay. Okay.

833
00:39:49.220 --> 00:39:50.522
Waste of money.

834
00:39:52.824 --> 00:39:55.561
I said, "Look,
if I had to choose something

835
00:39:55.661 --> 00:39:58.296
"as a comic,
to know that I've made it,

836
00:39:58.396 --> 00:40:01.399
"it would be
when I marry a doctor."

837
00:40:01.500 --> 00:40:03.935
So if all the single students could come to the front,

838
00:40:04.035 --> 00:40:05.403
right, I think I have a lump
in my breast.

839
00:40:05.504 --> 00:40:06.838
I think...

840
00:40:07.973 --> 00:40:11.242
Fondle my breast. Uh...

841
00:40:11.342 --> 00:40:13.111
That's how you snag 'em.
You know?

842
00:40:13.211 --> 00:40:14.813
That's how I met
my fiance. So...

843
00:40:17.148 --> 00:40:19.417
I met him in a much more
traditional way, drunk on a bus.

844
00:40:19.518 --> 00:40:22.821
But he did give me a breast exam later,

845
00:40:22.921 --> 00:40:24.055
so there's parallels.

846
00:40:27.593 --> 00:40:29.160
Comparison was another reason

847
00:40:29.260 --> 00:40:31.396
why I think I started
to give up on stand-up

848
00:40:31.497 --> 00:40:33.398
because, you know,
it was very easy

849
00:40:33.499 --> 00:40:35.166
for me to compare myself
to other comedians

850
00:40:35.266 --> 00:40:37.402
and be like, "That one's
way more successful than me,

851
00:40:37.503 --> 00:40:39.905
"funnier. How am I ever
gonna catch up? What's the point?"

852
00:40:40.005 --> 00:40:42.140
And it's super easy to do,
because stand-up,

853
00:40:42.240 --> 00:40:46.478
it's like a solo sport,
you know, unlike basketball. So...

854
00:40:46.578 --> 00:40:49.014
Right, and other comedians
are competitive, too.

855
00:40:49.114 --> 00:40:51.850
Like, I had this one comedian
come up to me,

856
00:40:51.950 --> 00:40:53.318
say this, white guy...

857
00:40:54.886 --> 00:40:56.922
Well, I don't want
to name names,

858
00:40:57.022 --> 00:40:59.324
but his name was James. And...

859
00:41:01.059 --> 00:41:02.494
And he said this to me,
he was like,

860
00:41:02.594 --> 00:41:07.065
"Sierra, there's a lot more
Asian comedians now.

861
00:41:07.165 --> 00:41:11.002
"So do you feel like maybe
there's not enough room for you?"

862
00:41:13.872 --> 00:41:16.441
Yeah, and that
got me thinking, I was like, "Wow,

863
00:41:17.609 --> 00:41:19.511
"you're a white guy
named James in comedy."

864
00:41:23.048 --> 00:41:24.750
There were literally
three of you

865
00:41:24.850 --> 00:41:27.285
hosting their own
late night talk shows. Like... -

866
00:41:27.385 --> 00:41:30.488
I think there's a little
wiggle room for more Asians.

867
00:41:31.790 --> 00:41:32.991
Get in there.

868
00:41:34.392 --> 00:41:35.827
But that's what
it feels like sometimes,

869
00:41:35.927 --> 00:41:37.696
like we feel
like we have to compete

870
00:41:37.796 --> 00:41:40.732
and that there's not
enough room, no matter who you are, right?

871
00:41:40.832 --> 00:41:43.702
And that sucks
because it's not true.

872
00:41:43.802 --> 00:41:49.675
I feel like I need even more
just general abundance mentality.

873
00:41:49.775 --> 00:41:51.810
You know, it's hard,
though. It's hard. -

874
00:41:52.443 --> 00:41:53.612
It's hard.

875
00:41:54.946 --> 00:41:58.083
But just take like my case,
for example, okay?

876
00:41:58.183 --> 00:42:00.318
The more Asian comedians,
the better.

877
00:42:00.418 --> 00:42:04.322
Because if Ali Wong
or Ronny Chieng or Margaret Cho,

878
00:42:04.422 --> 00:42:08.794
whoever, get their next sitcom,
their next movie, right?

879
00:42:09.928 --> 00:42:12.230
Who's gonna play
the young concubine?

880
00:42:15.133 --> 00:42:16.935
Or massive cousin, you know.

881
00:42:18.303 --> 00:42:20.572
Heck, I'll even play
the stereotypical IT guy,

882
00:42:20.672 --> 00:42:22.908
because remember,
computer science, I'll do that shit method.

883
00:42:29.681 --> 00:42:31.583
And, yeah.

884
00:42:31.683 --> 00:42:33.084
I do act, okay?

885
00:42:34.319 --> 00:42:36.021
No, no.

886
00:42:36.121 --> 00:42:37.155
Yeah.

887
00:42:37.789 --> 00:42:38.857
I know.

888
00:42:40.425 --> 00:42:42.628
One of the first scenes
I ever did for TV

889
00:42:42.728 --> 00:42:44.362
was an implied nudity scene.

890
00:42:45.664 --> 00:42:47.098
You guys know what that is?
Implied nudity,

891
00:42:47.198 --> 00:42:48.967
it's when they film you
from the neck up

892
00:42:49.067 --> 00:42:50.936
and they imply whoo-hoo.

893
00:42:52.403 --> 00:42:53.571
That you're nude.

894
00:42:54.806 --> 00:42:58.043
You know, leave it up
to the imagination. Mmm.

895
00:42:58.143 --> 00:43:00.245
Kind of like leaving
your clothes on. Whoa.

896
00:43:02.580 --> 00:43:03.782
Kinky.

897
00:43:05.450 --> 00:43:07.552
And they also asked me,
if I was comfortable,

898
00:43:07.653 --> 00:43:09.387
they could film my full rear.

899
00:43:09.487 --> 00:43:12.023
You know,
that means my cheeks, okay?

900
00:43:12.924 --> 00:43:14.259
Little industry talk for you.

901
00:43:15.493 --> 00:43:17.763
Don't spend it all in one place.

902
00:43:17.863 --> 00:43:20.298
But yeah, you know,
and I was a little hesitant.

903
00:43:20.398 --> 00:43:21.499
It's a lot of exposure.

904
00:43:21.599 --> 00:43:24.335
So, you know,
they let me think about it.

905
00:43:24.435 --> 00:43:25.637
I went home
and thought about it,

906
00:43:25.737 --> 00:43:27.438
and I got to thinking,

907
00:43:27.538 --> 00:43:30.909
about the importance
of representation.

908
00:43:33.912 --> 00:43:35.146
And you know,
normally when we're talking

909
00:43:35.246 --> 00:43:36.682
representation in media,

910
00:43:36.782 --> 00:43:39.084
we're talking
racial representation,

911
00:43:40.018 --> 00:43:41.252
queer representation.

912
00:43:42.387 --> 00:43:45.623
But what about
flat ass representation.

913
00:43:49.895 --> 00:43:50.962
Where are those stories?

914
00:43:51.062 --> 00:43:52.297
Where's that America?

915
00:43:52.898 --> 00:43:54.499
Yeah?

916
00:43:54.599 --> 00:43:56.702
And look, you know,
I'm not body shaming myself.

917
00:43:56.802 --> 00:43:59.705
I'm a petite person. I've got
the butt to boot.

918
00:43:59.805 --> 00:44:02.841
But you know,
and there are plenty of skinny people on TV,

919
00:44:02.941 --> 00:44:06.678
but I'm talking about
an ass so flat...

920
00:44:06.778 --> 00:44:10.181
That you know,
sometimes if I go... I go to a restaurant,

921
00:44:10.281 --> 00:44:11.549
I'm gonna go
to a sit-down dinner,

922
00:44:11.649 --> 00:44:13.852
sometimes I call
the restaurant ahead.

923
00:44:13.952 --> 00:44:17.222
I call them, I go,
"Hey, What kind of chairs do you guys have?"

924
00:44:19.390 --> 00:44:21.326
Do you have hardwood chairs?

925
00:44:23.194 --> 00:44:24.830
Do you maybe have
a pillow in the back

926
00:44:24.930 --> 00:44:27.198
I can borrow to sit on?

927
00:44:27.298 --> 00:44:28.900
'Cause I don't have
a pillow in the back...

928
00:44:30.135 --> 00:44:31.169
...to sit on.

929
00:44:31.937 --> 00:44:33.638
That kind of ass, okay?

930
00:44:34.740 --> 00:44:37.108
Is it the kind of ass where,
one time,

931
00:44:37.208 --> 00:44:39.077
I was at a party,
I was bending over to grab my coat

932
00:44:39.177 --> 00:44:40.678
to leave, you know?

933
00:44:40.779 --> 00:44:42.213
And a guy tried to grab it.

934
00:44:42.981 --> 00:44:44.382
Tried to grab my ass.

935
00:44:44.482 --> 00:44:46.217
"Try" being
the operative word here.

936
00:44:47.118 --> 00:44:48.519
It's kind of... It's hard.

937
00:44:48.619 --> 00:44:50.756
It's hard to grab my ass,
okay? It's almost un-grabable

938
00:44:50.856 --> 00:44:52.557
some would say.

939
00:44:52.657 --> 00:44:54.760
It's kind of like trying
to pick up the floor.

940
00:44:54.860 --> 00:44:56.161
You're just like...

941
00:44:56.261 --> 00:44:57.362
"What is going on?"

942
00:45:01.199 --> 00:45:03.902
And, you know,
maybe consent would help.

943
00:45:04.002 --> 00:45:06.204
You know what I mean?
Like, if he had asked me

944
00:45:06.304 --> 00:45:08.840
and I was into it, then maybe,
yeah, I could stand up

945
00:45:08.940 --> 00:45:11.242
and kind of scooch
to one side a little bit.

946
00:45:11.342 --> 00:45:12.677
Give him a little something.

947
00:45:13.711 --> 00:45:16.514
So, yeah.

948
00:45:16.614 --> 00:45:18.549
It's a very
consent-friendly ass.

949
00:45:20.685 --> 00:45:22.320
That kind of ass, okay?

950
00:45:23.688 --> 00:45:26.424
I went to work saying,
"That kind of ass!"

951
00:45:26.524 --> 00:45:29.127
I was ready. I was ready.

952
00:45:29.227 --> 00:45:31.062
I was ready to act
my little tush off.

953
00:45:31.162 --> 00:45:33.832
I got there that day...

954
00:45:33.932 --> 00:45:37.936
I got there, I was like,
"Yeah." I showed 'em what I was working with.

955
00:45:38.036 --> 00:45:40.571
Right. They took a look,
they're like, "Yeah.

956
00:45:40.671 --> 00:45:42.540
"Okay, we're just gonna stick
to implied nudity."

957
00:45:43.909 --> 00:45:46.377
"Let's leave that booty
up to the imagination.

958
00:45:46.477 --> 00:45:48.513
"It tends to be
a little bigger in there, so..."

959
00:45:49.714 --> 00:45:51.449
You know, it's okay,
we'll get 'em next time.

960
00:45:51.549 --> 00:45:53.051
We'll get 'em next time.

961
00:45:53.151 --> 00:45:55.453
I'm doing my squats, right?

962
00:45:55.553 --> 00:45:58.223
I might get an implant.
Just one.

963
00:45:58.323 --> 00:45:59.624
Just on the left cheek.

964
00:45:59.724 --> 00:46:01.426
We went a little before
and after on the same body.

965
00:46:03.194 --> 00:46:04.729
That's where the discounts
are at.

966
00:46:06.531 --> 00:46:07.933
No, I joke about representation,

967
00:46:08.033 --> 00:46:10.335
but it is really
important, right?

968
00:46:10.435 --> 00:46:12.470
Like, within the Asian
American community,

969
00:46:12.570 --> 00:46:14.539
there's still a lot of work
that has to be done

970
00:46:14.639 --> 00:46:16.441
to make sure
more Asian stories are told.

971
00:46:16.541 --> 00:46:17.909
Yeah.

972
00:46:18.009 --> 00:46:20.078
You can cheer for that.

973
00:46:23.581 --> 00:46:25.917
But I choose to look
on the bright side, okay?

974
00:46:26.017 --> 00:46:27.618
Because sure, Asian women,

975
00:46:27.718 --> 00:46:29.620
we're still
pretty underrepresented

976
00:46:29.720 --> 00:46:31.522
when it comes to TV
and movies and stuff,

977
00:46:31.622 --> 00:46:35.293
but at least
we are overrepresented where it counts.

978
00:46:36.361 --> 00:46:37.328
Porn.

979
00:46:37.428 --> 00:46:39.097
You know?

980
00:46:39.197 --> 00:46:42.100
Hey, and say what you will
about porn, okay,

981
00:46:42.200 --> 00:46:44.202
but the diversity is...
Yeah?

982
00:46:44.302 --> 00:46:46.972
Way ahead of the curve, right?

983
00:46:47.072 --> 00:46:49.607
And that meant a lot to me
as a young girl, you know...

984
00:46:49.707 --> 00:46:53.678
...browsing the old incognito window.

985
00:46:53.778 --> 00:46:56.647
To see myself
reflected in such classics...

986
00:46:58.416 --> 00:47:00.952
...as, uh, Tiny Asian Woman
Gets Dicked Down By Seven Dudes.

987
00:47:01.052 --> 00:47:03.454
Beautiful. Oh.

988
00:47:03.554 --> 00:47:05.690
I get emotional
even thinking about it.

989
00:47:05.790 --> 00:47:07.492
Um...

990
00:47:07.592 --> 00:47:09.127
Yeah. So I thank
those porn stars

991
00:47:09.227 --> 00:47:11.396
who paved the way, right?
Without them,

992
00:47:11.496 --> 00:47:13.731
hey, this little girl
would have never been proud

993
00:47:13.831 --> 00:47:16.467
to bare her skinny ass on TV.
So, yeah.

994
00:47:16.567 --> 00:47:18.603
It's important.

995
00:47:20.638 --> 00:47:22.107
Respect your elders.

996
00:47:24.509 --> 00:47:26.878
And role models are important,
to know what's possible.

997
00:47:27.678 --> 00:47:29.347
But nobody talks about...

998
00:47:29.447 --> 00:47:32.817
It's actually more important
to have the opposite of role models.

999
00:47:32.918 --> 00:47:34.119
Below models.

1000
00:47:34.685 --> 00:47:36.054
Yeah.

1001
00:47:36.154 --> 00:47:37.722
You know, people
you can look at and be like, "Hmm."

1002
00:47:39.824 --> 00:47:41.392
"Thank God
I'm not that bitch. Okay."

1003
00:47:42.127 --> 00:47:43.528
"Yikes."

1004
00:47:43.628 --> 00:47:44.695
Take Instagram, for example.

1005
00:47:44.795 --> 00:47:46.364
I'm always scrolling
on that thing,

1006
00:47:46.464 --> 00:47:50.068
just seeing people accomplishing
more than me that day, right?

1007
00:47:50.168 --> 00:47:51.669
Like, "Oh, that guy
got a great car."

1008
00:47:52.503 --> 00:47:54.439
"She's got a good ass.
Huh.

1009
00:47:54.539 --> 00:47:56.007
"That guy got out of bed."

1010
00:47:58.776 --> 00:48:00.378
That's why I only follow dogs.

1011
00:48:02.513 --> 00:48:05.083
Because they're cute,
but most importantly,

1012
00:48:05.183 --> 00:48:07.518
they don't make you feel
like shit.

1013
00:48:07.618 --> 00:48:10.088
Because they just got finished
eating their own shit.

1014
00:48:11.689 --> 00:48:13.724
They don't know the difference.

1015
00:48:13.824 --> 00:48:16.227
Like, sure, I haven't
accomplished much,

1016
00:48:16.327 --> 00:48:17.462
but at least
I don't stick my nose

1017
00:48:17.562 --> 00:48:19.230
in someone's crotch
the minute I meet them.

1018
00:48:20.898 --> 00:48:22.867
I wait a day like a gentleman.

1019
00:48:24.602 --> 00:48:27.305
You know, the problem, though,
is that some of these dogs

1020
00:48:27.405 --> 00:48:31.876
are starting to have
better lives than me. Okay?

1021
00:48:31.977 --> 00:48:35.213
Right? Like,
I follow this one dog, a Shiba Inu, you know,

1022
00:48:35.313 --> 00:48:36.948
lives in Tokyo, Japan.

1023
00:48:37.048 --> 00:48:38.049
Likely story.

1024
00:48:38.149 --> 00:48:39.517
And...

1025
00:48:40.251 --> 00:48:41.552
Yeah, I mean, beautiful dog.

1026
00:48:41.652 --> 00:48:42.720
The body on this dog...

1027
00:48:44.222 --> 00:48:45.723
Probably had some work done.
You know what I mean?

1028
00:48:46.891 --> 00:48:48.193
Double implant. Uh...

1029
00:48:50.061 --> 00:48:52.763
But on this dog's Instagram,
all the comments

1030
00:48:52.863 --> 00:48:54.399
and captions are in Japanese,

1031
00:48:54.499 --> 00:48:56.434
so I don't really know
what's going on,

1032
00:48:56.534 --> 00:49:00.438
but I'm just scrolling
on this dog's profile at, like, 3:00 a.m.

1033
00:49:01.239 --> 00:49:02.340
Prime time to hate yourself.

1034
00:49:03.941 --> 00:49:05.343
You know, I was so moved.

1035
00:49:05.443 --> 00:49:08.446
I wrote,
"This dog is career goals."

1036
00:49:11.049 --> 00:49:12.850
And I sent that.

1037
00:49:12.950 --> 00:49:15.386
Went to bed, woke up
the next morning,

1038
00:49:16.354 --> 00:49:18.089
and the dog had responded.

1039
00:49:22.793 --> 00:49:24.429
He just wrote, "Thank you."

1040
00:49:26.797 --> 00:49:29.167
In perfect English, so...

1041
00:49:29.267 --> 00:49:31.336
So I guess this dog's
also fucking bilingual, too.

1042
00:49:31.436 --> 00:49:32.703
Why the...

1043
00:49:32.803 --> 00:49:34.772
How else does he want me
to feel like shit, you know?

1044
00:49:36.307 --> 00:49:37.642
Unfollow. That's...

1045
00:49:38.709 --> 00:49:39.810
Protect your energy.

1046
00:49:41.946 --> 00:49:43.481
But no, I caved. I looked back

1047
00:49:43.581 --> 00:49:45.350
on that dog's Instagram
recently.

1048
00:49:45.450 --> 00:49:47.885
I saw the dog died.

1049
00:49:47.985 --> 00:49:49.220
Aw.

1050
00:49:49.320 --> 00:49:50.921
Aw, I know.
They don't live that long.

1051
00:49:53.724 --> 00:49:55.160
Right? So...

1052
00:49:56.227 --> 00:49:57.462
I guess I won, in the end.

1053
00:49:57.562 --> 00:49:59.497
You know what I mean?

1054
00:49:59.964 --> 00:50:01.166
Feels good.

1055
00:50:01.266 --> 00:50:05.136
Hey, feels good to be alive.

1056
00:50:06.671 --> 00:50:08.639
But don't worry, I'm in therapy.

1057
00:50:10.841 --> 00:50:11.976
I said I'm in therapy.

1058
00:50:12.077 --> 00:50:14.179
Normally there's applause.
Okay. Wow.

1059
00:50:16.247 --> 00:50:18.015
Oh, too late, okay?

1060
00:50:18.116 --> 00:50:20.418
Guess I'll talk about it
in therapy.

1061
00:50:22.687 --> 00:50:24.255
No, I think
the minute I learned

1062
00:50:24.355 --> 00:50:25.556
I was dunking on a dead dog,

1063
00:50:25.656 --> 00:50:27.258
I was like, "Okay,
I should talk to somebody."

1064
00:50:27.358 --> 00:50:29.494
And...

1065
00:50:29.594 --> 00:50:32.463
Therapy, it's something
I've been meaning to do for so long, you know?

1066
00:50:32.563 --> 00:50:35.100
I just was dragging my feet,

1067
00:50:35.200 --> 00:50:36.534
waiting for it to become trendy,

1068
00:50:36.634 --> 00:50:38.436
and then it did.

1069
00:50:38.536 --> 00:50:40.871
So I hopped on that bandwagon
and it's great.

1070
00:50:42.840 --> 00:50:44.409
One of the things
I'm working on in therapy

1071
00:50:44.509 --> 00:50:45.676
is that negative self-talk.

1072
00:50:45.776 --> 00:50:47.078
Do you guys get that?

1073
00:50:47.178 --> 00:50:48.746
Some sad nods. Yeah.

1074
00:50:50.181 --> 00:50:51.616
And it's tough.

1075
00:50:51.716 --> 00:50:55.220
Like, let me tell you,
my negative voice in my head, phew,

1076
00:50:55.320 --> 00:50:57.755
she employs twang, right?

1077
00:50:57.855 --> 00:51:00.858
She's loud as fuck,
watching tons of tutorials, that girl.

1078
00:51:02.193 --> 00:51:03.728
And she's catchy.
Like, she'll pop in.

1079
00:51:03.828 --> 00:51:05.630
I'm just washing
the dishes or something,

1080
00:51:05.730 --> 00:51:08.766
she'll pop in, she'll be like,
"Hey, Sierra." I'm like, "Yeah, me? What?"

1081
00:51:10.535 --> 00:51:14.305
"Hey, why don't you stop
being such a little cunt?" Like, Jesus.

1082
00:51:18.209 --> 00:51:19.877
The C word, you know? Sheesh.

1083
00:51:20.711 --> 00:51:22.547
I never use the C word, really.

1084
00:51:22.647 --> 00:51:24.782
It's just like...
It's so harsh, right?

1085
00:51:24.882 --> 00:51:28.819
I never... Except in that joke
that I tell all the time to everybody...

1086
00:51:28.919 --> 00:51:32.623
...but never... C word?

1087
00:51:32.723 --> 00:51:34.159
And so specific. Like,

1088
00:51:34.259 --> 00:51:36.661
"Stop being such
a little cunt." Like...

1089
00:51:36.761 --> 00:51:39.464
I don't...
I don't think I'm being much of a little cunt.

1090
00:51:42.099 --> 00:51:45.170
But I don't know,
maybe that's what a little cunt would say. You know?

1091
00:51:45.270 --> 00:51:49.807
Ugh, so...
See? Pretty catchy. And...

1092
00:51:49.907 --> 00:51:53.578
My therapist also says
I'm depressed like everybody.

1093
00:51:53.678 --> 00:51:56.281
So...

1094
00:51:56.381 --> 00:51:59.350
Yeah. Which is kind of weird,
right?

1095
00:51:59.450 --> 00:52:01.118
Coming from my therapist.

1096
00:52:03.120 --> 00:52:05.523
I don't pay her for that.

1097
00:52:05.623 --> 00:52:07.825
I pay her to maybe to try out
some jokes, you know?

1098
00:52:07.925 --> 00:52:10.661
Get some laughs, bring 'em here.

1099
00:52:11.429 --> 00:52:13.130
But diagnoses, what?

1100
00:52:14.632 --> 00:52:16.501
There were signs.
I should have known

1101
00:52:16.601 --> 00:52:18.002
maybe that I was depressed.

1102
00:52:18.102 --> 00:52:20.004
Like, before my therapist knew,
before I knew,

1103
00:52:21.806 --> 00:52:23.274
my credit card company knew.

1104
00:52:25.643 --> 00:52:27.212
They sent me
this helpful mailer.

1105
00:52:27.312 --> 00:52:29.947
It was like a subscription
services type thing,

1106
00:52:30.047 --> 00:52:32.750
like which ones
are being charged to your credit card.

1107
00:52:33.784 --> 00:52:35.786
Wi-Fi, Amazon, just to make sure

1108
00:52:35.886 --> 00:52:39.023
there were no free trials
gone wild, right?

1109
00:52:39.123 --> 00:52:41.392
I looked at that list,
I was like, "Wait a second,

1110
00:52:41.492 --> 00:52:42.927
"what's Mochinut doing there?"

1111
00:52:44.295 --> 00:52:45.530
Do you guys know what that is?

1112
00:52:45.630 --> 00:52:47.031
It's a brand of doughnut.

1113
00:52:47.131 --> 00:52:50.368
Okay? For those
who don't know... buckle up.

1114
00:52:52.570 --> 00:52:54.171
Mochinut, okay?

1115
00:52:54.272 --> 00:52:56.006
She's not like
your other doughnuts.

1116
00:52:57.475 --> 00:53:00.678
Right? She's made
of rice dough, like mochi.

1117
00:53:00.778 --> 00:53:02.947
And then deep-fried
like a doughnut.

1118
00:53:04.782 --> 00:53:06.417
Get you a pastry
who can do both.

1119
00:53:07.685 --> 00:53:09.053
Right?

1120
00:53:09.153 --> 00:53:12.323
She's a donut in the streets,
medication in the sheets.

1121
00:53:13.758 --> 00:53:15.993
Because I was eating these
in bed to numb the pain.

1122
00:53:18.696 --> 00:53:20.731
And see,
I ordered these doughnuts

1123
00:53:20.831 --> 00:53:22.199
at such a high frequency,

1124
00:53:22.300 --> 00:53:23.701
at such a regular cadence

1125
00:53:24.635 --> 00:53:26.571
that my credit card company

1126
00:53:26.671 --> 00:53:29.039
thought I was subscribed
to doughnuts.

1127
00:53:31.476 --> 00:53:32.743
Another sign I was depressed

1128
00:53:32.843 --> 00:53:36.247
was that I exclusively started
to wear soft shirts.

1129
00:53:38.449 --> 00:53:39.884
Because I would wake up
in the morning

1130
00:53:39.984 --> 00:53:42.620
and feel like shit,
I'd go to the closet,

1131
00:53:42.720 --> 00:53:44.955
be like, "Okay, you know,
ugh, what shirt?

1132
00:53:45.055 --> 00:53:47.392
"Mm. That one's
too hard. Ugh.

1133
00:53:47.492 --> 00:53:50.060
"That one's kind of crispy.
Ugh, that's crunchy.

1134
00:53:50.160 --> 00:53:52.297
"That one has a zipper.
Are you trying to fucking kill me? Jesus."

1135
00:53:54.031 --> 00:53:56.834
And then, ooh,
I find a nice softy, slip into that bad boy.

1136
00:53:57.835 --> 00:53:59.270
And then go right back to bed.

1137
00:53:59.370 --> 00:54:02.873
You know, you can't do that
in a denim jacket. You can't.

1138
00:54:02.973 --> 00:54:05.776
You've got to be ready
in your soft, stretchy tee to go to bed

1139
00:54:05.876 --> 00:54:06.944
at any moment.

1140
00:54:08.713 --> 00:54:10.281
Don't even get me started
on soft pants.

1141
00:54:10.381 --> 00:54:11.516
We'll be here all night, baby.

1142
00:54:14.685 --> 00:54:16.321
But my therapist
also recommended

1143
00:54:16.421 --> 00:54:17.688
I should get on antidepressants.

1144
00:54:19.056 --> 00:54:21.326
Which, you know, I've heard
great things about,

1145
00:54:21.426 --> 00:54:22.927
and I have tons of friends
who are on them,

1146
00:54:23.027 --> 00:54:25.430
and they say they do wonders,
so I'm trying to get on them.

1147
00:54:25.530 --> 00:54:27.632
It's just, you know,
there's a few steps, right?

1148
00:54:27.732 --> 00:54:29.667
Like, I have to find
a psychiatrist to prescribe

1149
00:54:29.767 --> 00:54:30.935
because my therapist can't.

1150
00:54:31.035 --> 00:54:32.670
I have to make sure
my psychiatrist

1151
00:54:32.770 --> 00:54:34.705
has a network
of my health insurance.

1152
00:54:34.805 --> 00:54:37.408
I've got to make an appointment,
convince them that, yes, I do need this medication.

1153
00:54:37.508 --> 00:54:40.110
It's kind of a lot, all right?

1154
00:54:40.210 --> 00:54:42.212
I'm depressed, okay?

1155
00:54:43.881 --> 00:54:45.650
Like, I can't even zip up
a hard shirt.

1156
00:54:45.750 --> 00:54:48.018
Do you think
I can make small talk with the receptionist?

1157
00:54:48.118 --> 00:54:51.055
Like, "Oh, yeah,
April 19th, maybe.

1158
00:54:52.189 --> 00:54:54.459
"It's been,
you know, crazy weather."

1159
00:54:56.627 --> 00:54:58.329
But I feel
like I need antidepressants

1160
00:54:58.429 --> 00:54:59.664
to get on antidepressants.

1161
00:55:01.499 --> 00:55:03.501
Is that crazy?
I feel like I ordered a box cutter off of Amazon.

1162
00:55:03.601 --> 00:55:06.103
And I can't get the thing,
to get the thing inside the thing

1163
00:55:06.203 --> 00:55:07.171
to get the thing open.

1164
00:55:09.039 --> 00:55:11.709
Right. That's a perfect metaphor
that I came up with while depressed.

1165
00:55:11.809 --> 00:55:15.312
So if you didn't laugh, you're too happy with your life.

1166
00:55:17.382 --> 00:55:21.318
I luckily have a bit
of a secret sauce when it comes to depression,

1167
00:55:21.419 --> 00:55:24.789
because on top
of my depression,

1168
00:55:24.889 --> 00:55:27.658
I have the tiniest,
healthiest touch

1169
00:55:28.325 --> 00:55:29.326
of narcissism.

1170
00:55:31.762 --> 00:55:32.897
Because, like a lot of people,

1171
00:55:32.997 --> 00:55:35.933
I suffer from
suicidal thoughts, ideations,

1172
00:55:37.267 --> 00:55:39.203
but when I'm at my lowest point,

1173
00:55:39.303 --> 00:55:43.941
you know, and I'm thinking,
"It would just be easier to end things,"

1174
00:55:45.142 --> 00:55:48.178
there's at least
a small part of me that's like,

1175
00:55:49.079 --> 00:55:50.180
"Hmm,

1176
00:55:51.649 --> 00:55:53.851
"but that would just be
a huge loss for everybody."

1177
00:55:53.951 --> 00:55:56.987
"Right? I'm just a delight."

1178
00:55:57.087 --> 00:55:58.556
And...

1179
00:56:00.525 --> 00:56:01.626
You know...

1180
00:56:04.762 --> 00:56:06.864
Hey, maybe that's what
I just need more of in general,

1181
00:56:06.964 --> 00:56:08.533
not necessarily narcissism,

1182
00:56:08.633 --> 00:56:12.369
but just more confidence
to, like, do this, to do comedy, right?

1183
00:56:12.470 --> 00:56:14.071
Because--

1184
00:56:15.506 --> 00:56:18.609
Because I started this
for really childish reasons.

1185
00:56:18.709 --> 00:56:21.612
But I also gave up
for childish reasons.

1186
00:56:21.712 --> 00:56:24.381
You know, because
there's always going to be

1187
00:56:24.482 --> 00:56:26.283
mean comments or comparisons

1188
00:56:26.383 --> 00:56:30.320
to people
who are better and funnier and hotter dogs, and...

1189
00:56:32.122 --> 00:56:34.391
But look,
I just need to sack up

1190
00:56:35.292 --> 00:56:37.194
and stop being a little cunt.

1191
00:56:38.228 --> 00:56:40.297
Right? And get back in the game.

1192
00:56:40.397 --> 00:56:43.768
So I just want
to leave you guys on one story

1193
00:56:45.436 --> 00:56:48.706
that I come back to
every time I think about giving up on this,

1194
00:56:48.806 --> 00:56:50.374
and it's a great story.

1195
00:56:50.475 --> 00:56:52.643
It's actually the story
of the first

1196
00:56:52.743 --> 00:56:55.145
and hopefully not last time

1197
00:56:55.245 --> 00:56:58.015
I was ever punched
in the stomach.

1198
00:57:02.052 --> 00:57:03.521
And I was a kid.

1199
00:57:03.621 --> 00:57:07.191
I was playing
this very fun childhood game with a friend.

1200
00:57:07.858 --> 00:57:08.926
It's a common game.

1201
00:57:09.026 --> 00:57:10.695
I'm sure you guys
have played this one.

1202
00:57:10.795 --> 00:57:12.963
I'm not sure
if I can remember the name, but I'll just describe it.

1203
00:57:13.063 --> 00:57:14.465
You guys will know.

1204
00:57:14.565 --> 00:57:17.968
So basically it's the game
where she is the up-and-coming

1205
00:57:18.068 --> 00:57:21.639
rookie boxer
Jim The Jab Johnson. Right?

1206
00:57:21.739 --> 00:57:23.407
She's got a lot of raw talent,

1207
00:57:23.508 --> 00:57:25.576
but not a lot of structure
nor discipline,

1208
00:57:25.676 --> 00:57:26.811
and that's where I come in.

1209
00:57:27.778 --> 00:57:30.948
I'm Coach Jenkins. Yeah?

1210
00:57:31.048 --> 00:57:34.084
And look, I used to be
not unlike this up-and-coming

1211
00:57:34.184 --> 00:57:37.187
rookie rock star boxer
Jim the Jab.

1212
00:57:37.287 --> 00:57:38.623
But now I'm in my 60s,

1213
00:57:39.423 --> 00:57:40.457
cresting 70,

1214
00:57:41.792 --> 00:57:43.728
and I woke up one morning
and realized,

1215
00:57:44.795 --> 00:57:45.896
"What's my legacy?"

1216
00:57:47.297 --> 00:57:50.701
I don't have kids.
No grandkids.

1217
00:57:50.801 --> 00:57:53.538
Sure, I've got
that championship belt

1218
00:57:53.638 --> 00:57:56.140
above the mantel
that sometimes I spit-shine

1219
00:57:56.240 --> 00:57:58.008
when I get a little too sauced
on whiskey, neat.

1220
00:57:59.644 --> 00:58:00.845
You know what I'm talking about.

1221
00:58:02.379 --> 00:58:04.549
But those
are just metal, leather,

1222
00:58:04.649 --> 00:58:07.518
you know,
maybe my legacy is coaching

1223
00:58:07.618 --> 00:58:09.554
this young whippersnapper
over here.

1224
00:58:09.654 --> 00:58:11.488
Jim the Jab, right?

1225
00:58:11.589 --> 00:58:13.858
Even though he's got
a bit of an attitude.

1226
00:58:13.958 --> 00:58:17.227
First of all, naming yourself
after the most common boxing move, the jab,

1227
00:58:17.327 --> 00:58:20.130
come on. The nerve.

1228
00:58:21.932 --> 00:58:23.834
And, you know, let's be real,

1229
00:58:23.934 --> 00:58:27.204
he reminds me a little bit
too much of myself.

1230
00:58:27.304 --> 00:58:31.008
Yeah, and that just shows me
that even with my 70th birthday

1231
00:58:31.108 --> 00:58:32.509
on the horizon,

1232
00:58:32.610 --> 00:58:35.680
I'm still stuck
in the toughest boxing match of all.

1233
00:58:36.847 --> 00:58:38.015
That with my own ego.

1234
00:58:40.484 --> 00:58:42.486
You know that game.
What's it called?

1235
00:58:42.587 --> 00:58:43.854
We all play that one.
What's it called?

1236
00:58:43.954 --> 00:58:46.523
Boxing friends, boxing buddies?

1237
00:58:46.624 --> 00:58:49.026
Well, we'll remember.
It'll come to me in the shower.

1238
00:58:49.126 --> 00:58:51.762
Basically, and we were playing
that game, okay?

1239
00:58:51.862 --> 00:58:53.731
We're boxing, okay?

1240
00:58:53.831 --> 00:58:56.734
And we were using
a beanbag chair as a punching bag.

1241
00:58:56.834 --> 00:58:59.203
Beanbag chair,
you know, it's sort of like

1242
00:58:59.303 --> 00:59:00.605
if you hold it up
by the skin like that,

1243
00:59:00.705 --> 00:59:02.372
like all the, the meat
goes to one side,

1244
00:59:02.472 --> 00:59:05.710
kind of like
a duvet cover, um, right?

1245
00:59:05.810 --> 00:59:06.944
Or like my ass, right?

1246
00:59:07.044 --> 00:59:09.246
If you ask, if you ask.

1247
00:59:09.346 --> 00:59:10.447
You know, you hold that up,

1248
00:59:10.547 --> 00:59:12.116
and so all the meat's
at the bottom.

1249
00:59:12.216 --> 00:59:14.284
The skin is just up here.
So she punched through the skin,

1250
00:59:14.384 --> 00:59:15.620
right to my stomach.

1251
00:59:15.720 --> 00:59:17.287
Oh!

1252
00:59:17.387 --> 00:59:19.289
Yeah. That was some
of the worst pain I ever felt in my life.

1253
00:59:19.389 --> 00:59:21.325
I couldn't see,
I couldn't hear.

1254
00:59:22.326 --> 00:59:23.493
But through that pain,

1255
00:59:24.294 --> 00:59:25.329
through that nightmare,

1256
00:59:27.364 --> 00:59:29.399
I stayed in character.

1257
00:59:29.499 --> 00:59:33.070
Yeah. Yeah,
I was Coach Jenkins through and through, so...

1258
00:59:34.471 --> 00:59:35.740
That's how I knew,

1259
00:59:35.840 --> 00:59:38.142
hey, computer science,
basketball, massage parlor,

1260
00:59:38.242 --> 00:59:39.343
keep your millions.

1261
00:59:40.878 --> 00:59:42.312
I'm meant for the stage.

1262
00:59:42.412 --> 00:59:43.781
And I'm back
doing comedy, baby! -

1263
00:59:43.881 --> 00:59:46.383
That's my time.
Thank you so much.

1264
00:59:46.483 --> 00:59:47.517
Thank you.

1265
00:59:48.385 --> 00:59:49.553
You bet. You bet.

1266
00:59:50.721 --> 00:59:52.022
Thank you. Thank you.

1267
00:59:56.193 --> 00:59:58.195
* Turn it up
Turn it up *

1268
00:59:58.295 --> 01:00:00.698
* Turn it up a little louder *

1269
01:00:00.798 --> 01:00:02.232
* Now get low
Get low *

1270
01:00:03.333 --> 01:00:04.601
* Yeah, drop it to the floor *

1271
01:00:05.903 --> 01:00:07.437
* Turn it up
Turn it up *

1272
01:00:08.405 --> 01:00:10.841
* Turn it up a little louder *

1273
01:00:10.941 --> 01:00:12.476
* Now get low
Get low *

1274
01:00:12.576 --> 01:00:13.744
* Get low, get low *

1275
01:00:13.844 --> 01:00:14.879
* Yeah, drop it to the floor *

1276
01:00:14.979 --> 01:00:16.113
* Yeah, drop it to the floor *

1277
01:00:16.213 --> 01:00:17.547
* Turn it up
Turn it up *

1278
01:00:17.648 --> 01:00:18.816
* Turn it up
Turn it up *

1279
01:00:18.916 --> 01:00:20.350
* Turn it up a little louder *

1280
01:00:20.450 --> 01:00:21.485
* Up a little louder *

1281
01:00:21.585 --> 01:00:22.552
* Now get low
Get low *

1282
01:00:22.653 --> 01:00:23.754
* Now get low
Get low *

1283
01:00:23.854 --> 01:00:24.989
* Yeah, drop it to the floor *

1284
01:00:25.089 --> 01:00:26.290
* Yeah, drop it to the floor *