Downloaded from YTS.MX
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Sierra Katow.
Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX
- [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING] - [AUDIENCE CHEERING LOUDLY]
Thank you!
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
All right. For me?
Stop it.
Me? Ooh.
No, stop. Oh.
All right. Yeah, That's enough.
Jesus Christ.
No. You guys are wonderful. Thank you for coming out.
Fun fact about me,
I actually have a degree in computer science.
- [AUDIENCE CHEERING] - Yeah. All right.
Pretty good.
And now I'm a comedian.
- Mmm. - [AUDIENCE TITTERS]
Right? What did I do? What went wrong?
[AUDIENCE TITTERS]
No. I think what happened
is when I was deciding what I wanted to do with my life,
I wasn't sure if I wanted to be another Asian
computer programmer.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And see, that internalized racism,
that cost me millions of dollars.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Okay? That's why you shouldn't be racist, 'cause, whoo,
that shit's expensive. Yeah.
[AUDIENCE TITTERS]
I enjoy being a comedian.
I do love it, you know.
Clearly, I'm not in it for the money, so...
I better have fun, or whatever.
[AUDIENCE TITTERS]
And I started doing this really young.
I started doing stand-up when I was 16.
Which, yeah,
where were my parents to stamp that out of me early?
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - Right?
To their credit, they're very supportive.
They're actually here today.
- Give it up for them, yeah. - [AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Right there.
I remember when I told my mom for the first time
that I wanted to do stand-up, she was like,
"Oh, yeah,
"me and your dad used to go see live comedy all the time,
"back when we were dating."
Which... [MIMICKING BARFING]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Gross, right?
Like, I get that my parents were human, or whatever,
before I was born,
but keep me out of it, okay?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Yeah, I just... I want a respectful distance from my elders.
That's all I ask. Okay?
Because I had a friend, growing up,
who was, like, so close to his parents
that he called them by their first names.
- Yeah. You guys have any friends like that? - [AUDIENCE TITTERS]
Hmm?
No one had any white friends, no?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
He was kind of weird, this friend.
Like, I remember I went over to his house
and he was yelling at his dad.
He was like, "Yo, Vincent,
"get me a Capri Sun!" Jesus...
Christ.
- Vincent? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"That is your father, right?
"Show a little respect.
"What are you gonna do next? Fuck his wife?
- "That's your mother." - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Gross.
Unless it's your step-mom. In which case, "Hey."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Right? We've all seen that one.
You know what I'm talking about?
Just fire up the old incognito window.
That's all I ask, okay?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
- Yeah, that's gross. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
You guys brought it up. Don't fucking look at me.
I'm trying to make this a family show, okay?
My parents are here. My God.
And, hey, step-mom content.
That's about as family as it gets.
- You know what I'm saying? Yeah? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Let's keep it in the family content. Yup.
Hell, yeah. Fuck, yeah.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Yeah. Yeah, my parents are very supportive of this career.
Suckers. You know.
Fumbled a great retirement plan.
And here I am still doing it over a decade later.
Uh...
- Which... Yeah. - [AUDIENCE CHEERING]
- Pretty strange. - [AUDIENCE WHOOPING]
I think starting something that young, though,
you kind of do it for the wrong reasons, you know?
Because I was 16, I was kind of a weird, nerd kid.
So I thought... I thought doing stand-up would make me,
like, less socially awkward.
It didn't work.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
All right? Like, I just recently ran into a friend on the street.
Unexpectedly.
That should be illegal. [CHUCKLES]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Like, you want me to make spontaneous conversation? Kill me.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I did my best, you know? I... I...
I asked this friend, I was like, "Oh,
"how are you?" "Pretty good."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Thinking on my toes. [CHUCKLES]
And he responded,
then he asked me back, "How are you?" Which...
I know that one.
[AUDIENCE TITTERS]
Well played, sir. Yeah.
So I responded. And then I asked him back,
"How are you?"
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Which is one too many, right?
We're only allowed one per person. That's off by one.
My bad. See, comedy didn't work. Okay?
Still fucking awkward, and...
I should have picked another profession.
And I had other options, right?
Even before comedy, even before computers,
I'm sure you guys can tell this about me.
I was supposed to be a professional basketball player.
- [AUDIENCE TITTERS] - Yeah. Thank you.
Yeah. I don't know why you're laughing, but okay.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - Yeah, thank you.
You know, I... I played for eight years, growing up.
Mmm-hmm. I started at 2-10. That's a height.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Not a time. Okay?
I get it. I didn't have, like, the height or the wingspan
to be a successful basketball player.
But, you know, I'm glad I played
because I learned a really valuable lesson
that I could use for a future in entertainment.
Which is this, you know? It doesn't matter.
You work really hard, you practice every day,
and your dreams will still be crushed. Okay?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
- So... - [AUDIENCE WHOOPING]
- Yeah. Good. - [AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
It's good to know early. I say, "Teach it in the womb." Okay?
[AUDIENCE TITTERS]
But I didn't have the basketball bod, all right?
You know what? This body walks into a room,
everybody immediately looks,
they go, "That's... That's a comedian." [CHUCKLES]
"That's a comedy bod right there."
Yeah, my body is always coming up with funny material.
Like I discovered this about myself recently,
in the nighttime.
[AUDIENCE TITTERS]
I discovered I can actually wear an eye mask,
you know, one of those sleeping masks,
- as a bra. Ooh. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
That's a good one, body. Right?
Twisty punch line. The whole thing.
You know, I'm a grown woman, but I'm still stuck
in the training-bra phase of life.
You know what the training-bra phase is?
That's sort of when you're going through puberty.
Right?
And developing breasts or whatever people do.
What do you...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
What do you call it?
Breasts?
And you wear a training bra.
You know, a training bra. That's sort of a smaller bra.
It's more of a formality.
[AUDIENCE TITTERS]
Right.
It's supposed to train you to one day graduate to a big-girl bra.
Yeah?
- I see some graduates here tonight. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Congratulations.
Mazel tov.
But look, I guess I didn't train hard enough.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Or I trained too damn hard, because clearly, my boobs died
in some training accident. They never...
made it home. What happened?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
You know, I've... I've just always been a little smaller, you know.
And small... I didn't know I was small, right?
Because I come from a small people.
Yeah. My family, a bunch of little tinies.
A bunch of little pip-squeak losers. Just kick them around.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Yeah. Look at 'em over there. Tiny little...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Like, I'm 5'1",
but compared to some of my family members, ooh,
- I'm kind of massive. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Like, I go back to Christmas just like Godzilla.
Like, elbowing uncles on the top of the head.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Like, giving a noogie to Grandma. And...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I know she likes it. I wouldn't do that
if she didn't specifically request. Okay?
She's kinky like that. And...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I respect my elders, so I do as told.
Yeah, I think when I tell normal-sized people,
that I have family who's smaller than me,
they look at me like I just told them
their dog has its own dog.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"Oh, my God." They're like, "I didn't know they bred them that small.
- "Is that safe?" - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"What if I step on it?" [SHUDDERS]
Which, if you're gonna step on one of us, step on Grandma.
- You know, she's... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
She's kinky like that, you know?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
No, I joke, right?
When I'm talking about my grandma,
I'm not talking about my grandma.
You guys know this.
I'm just joking about the dead one.
- You know, there's... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I have two grandmas. One passed away a while ago.
So she's easier to joke about because I don't see her, right?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
She died before I was born. Quick bitch. So, who knows?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Who knows what she was like?
You know, maybe she was kind of kinky. That's...
That would explain a lot.
- You know what I'm saying? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
No. My... That's my... That's my dad's mom.
Okay, sorry, Dad.
We'll talk about it later. We'll be fine.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
But...
There were... I'm not gonna look over there
- anytime soon. Okay. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Yikes. We'll be fine. Okay.
But, hey, maybe that's why I got into comedy, you know?
Because the extra height from the stage, you know what I mean?
- Right? Hell yeah. - [AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Is she 5 feet? Is she 15? We don't know.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - We can't tell.
I also like having a microphone.
Because I have a little bit of a quieter voice, naturally.
Which you can't tell because I have a microphone.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And I know this,
people are always telling me to speak up.
"Can you speak up? Can you be a little louder?"
Which, well, I don't like.
[AUDIENCE TITTERS]
Like, telling me to speak up,
pretty racist.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
It's kind of racist, yeah?
I'm not gonna explain why, okay?
Those who get it, get it.
- AUDIENCE: Yeah! - Yeah?
[AUDIENCE WHOOPS]
Those who don't...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Good luck out there.
People are always telling me tips,
like, "Use your diaphragm to be a little louder.
"Use your diaphragm," which... That's...
Diaphragm, it's like a membrane
underneath your lungs. That's what that is.
It's supposed to help you project.
Which would be great advice
if it weren't something inside of my body
- I can't control. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Are you kidding me? My diaphragm?
Like, you know, everybody knows
that your insides do their insides things, right?
So that our outsides, we may do our outsides things.
[AUDIENCE TITTERS]
And never the twain shall meet. That's just...
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - ...science.
Are you kidding me?
Use my diaphragm?
What do you want me to do next while I'm in there?
You want me to poke my gallbladder?
[AUDIENCE TITTERS]
Do you want me to squeeze my uterus?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I mean, I can kind of squeeze my uterus, you know I'm talking about?
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - We can do that.
We can do that, right? Those are...
[AUDIENCE WHOOPS]
Those are called Kegel exercises.
You gotta do them every day, okay? Yeah.
Right? Because you can't skip vag day.
- You can't do it. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Don't do it. I've been doing them
the whole time I've been up here.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - You guys didn't even know, huh?
because listen, I've got a tight schedule,
but I need an even tighter...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
vagina, okay? Don't get ahead of the joke.
I wasn't too worried about my softer voice
until a friend told me, he was like,
"Ugh, you know, being that quiet,
"it makes you seem like a pushover."
Which, I mean, he can say whatever he wants about me.
What am I gonna do?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I can't yell at him.
But that gave me the kick in the butt
to, like, make a change, you know, fix this voice thing.
So I did what we all do when we want to make,
like, a drastic transformation in our lives.
I watched a YouTube tutorial.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I found this video, it was like,
you know, "How to be louder,"
and had this sweet man giving instructions.
He also had a quieter voice,
so, you know, "Gang gang."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
He had a bit of a receding hairline,
but, you know, this is a voice tutorial,
- not a hair tutorial... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
...so we can cool it on the judgment, everybody. Jesus.
One of his first tips was that if you want
to be louder immediately, you can use twang.
And twang, it's like this thing where,
I guess, you pipe your voice through your nose a little bit.
You get a little more friction.
And that makes you louder.
So I might give a demonstration for you tonight, if that's okay.
- [AUDIENCE CHEERING] - Quickly. Okay.
All right. You know...
You know...
So this is my voice without twang, you know, a little softer.
Right?
And then this is my voice
with twang. It's kind of like...
[SHOUTS NASALLY]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Pretty good, huh?
And that's just after one video. [CHUCKLES]
So imagine what it'll sound like
after that guy gets hair plugs.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Pretty loud.
I think another childish reason I started to do comedy
was that I thought it would make people like me more.
Which is... It's a very kind of icky, insecure thing to say,
but I did, you know?
And I was young, I didn't know at the time that, like,
you can't control what people like,
you drive yourself crazy, right?
And now I'm older, and I feel like the cooler thing to say would be like,
"Oh, now, I give zero fucks," you know?
"Now I tell..." You know?
But no, that's not me either.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I give like 35, 36 fucks...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
...on a good day, so...
Yeah. Plus, stand-up, it's kind of a desperate,
insecure thing to do, you know?
All I do, I come out here, I'm like,
"And then what about this joke? Do you like me?"
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"And then, remember, I did the thing with the nose,
then do you like me now?"
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
You know, it's so disgusting.
On top of that, sometimes, you know, we do stand-up,
we put our videos online, some of those videos go viral.
And then you not only learn how much people like you,
but also how much people hate you...
and want you to kill yourself with a blunt object.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Even on the weekends.
Fun fact about me, I like to read all of the comments.
Yeah.
And by "Read," I mean I scroll past all the nicies,
I get right to the meanies.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Yeah, because the mean comments,
those are the ones that count, you know that, yeah?
Mean comments, those are the real ones, right?
Because it's kind of like how somebody compliments you.
They're lying.
They're lying to your face, right?
But if they insult you behind your back,
that's the God's honest truth.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
That's the purest form of expression right there.
So I'll just list off some of my favorite
mean comments, okay?
We've got the classics, okay?
The first one, "I watched the whole video,
"where were the jokes?"
Which, hey...
Look, he's a man, he's lost.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I respect a man who asks for directions.
Number two,
"Just more proof women aren't funny."
[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS]
Yeah.
Sorry, ladies. [CHUCKLES]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I set us back.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And then three, my personal favorite,
"Don't quit your day job at the massage parlor."
[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING]
Massage parlor.
It's sort of a sexist, racist reference, right,
to women who work at massage parlors,
Asian women.
They also maybe offer sexual services like hand jobs.
It's sex work, you know? It's a way to pay the bills.
But this guy thought he was jabbing at me
by being like, "You should be doing that job
"instead of the job you want to be doing."
But, uh, you know, joke's on him,
right, because one of my exes
once described my hand jobs
as "Kind of on the painful side," so...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I couldn't even get a job at a massage parlor
even if I wanted to, sir.
- Okay? - [AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Yeah. Yeah.
Checkmate.
No, but I'm not gonna lie.
Some of those mean comments, they got to me.
All right? I have thin skin.
Okay? I was raised by loving, caring parents, so...
We all know that makes you into a bit of a beta cuck.
You know, I kind of started to give up on comedy.
You know, I would...
I just felt like I wasn't good at it.
Why bother, you know?
And I would still perform, I would still do it,
but I just... My heart wasn't in it anymore.
Kind of like the way I give hand jobs.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
But don't worry. I started to focus on new goals.
You know, new goals.
Things I felt like I could actually accomplish, right?
Like, for instance, this is new for me to say out loud,
but it's actually one of my lifelong goals now, um...
to never be murdered.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CHEERING] - Never...
Yeah. Thank you.
Wow. Get that off my chest.
Yeah.
I know, very ambitious of me.
I put it on my vision board and everything.
Not even once, but I've taken steps to get there.
Like, I got pepper spray.
- [AUDIENCE CHEERING] - Yeah.
Baby's first pepper spray. Hell, yeah.
I got that guy in my purse,
so if anyone's thinking of attacking me
after the show...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
...game on, buddy.
I actually ordered it online, the pepper spray.
It came in the mail.
It's kind of in a hard, plastic casing.
I couldn't... you know, I was trying to get it open, but I'm pretty weak,
which is why I need the pepper spray. Um...
I try to get in there...
So, it's it's in my bag,
but it's still stuck in the plastic.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I'm just hoping a guy pulls a knife on me soon,
so he can help me fucking open that thing.
Damn it, I'll spray him in the eyes as a thank you.
Another self-defense tip, they say,
is like, say you're walking alone at night,
you know, and your pepper spray is still stuck in the plastic,
you can actually use your car keys or house keys
and put them in between your fingers.
Kind of like this.
And then you're Wolverine and you can't die.
Yeah, you just heal.
It's crazy. You're in a ton of movies.
Jacked his fuck. Uh...
No, that's sort of a weapon, right, when you put it there.
Or actually, you hold it like a knife, that's better.
And then, you know, if an aggressor
or a murderer is coming at you, right,
you take that...
You take that and then you stab him in the throat!
You get him right in the soft spot!
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - Yeah.
Or her. Or her, you know?
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - Right? Because I'm a feminist.
Okay?
And look, I believe in equal pay, but also equal stabbing.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
#closethestabgap
We have that power. All right, no.
I mean, you know, you have that weapon,
and then you stab him or her in the throat,
get him there...
And also, what is gender, right?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Really, because statistically, yes,
my attacker is gonna be a cis-man.
but why is that, huh?
Is it because, you know, we condition men
to only express their emotion through anger, violence?
When he's trying to hurt me,
is it because he's the one who's hurt?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
On the inside.
So anyway, you stab him in the throat,
you get him right in the jugular,
you let him bleed out,
- and then who's the murderer now? Hoo-hoo. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Ooh, yeah. The woman. Oh!
- [AUDIENCE CHEERING] - A little subversion.
The student becomes the teacher, as they say.
Yes.
I talk about self-defense a lot.
I think about it too much, I think.
It's because, you know, look, do other women feel this way?
I feel like I was raised, as a girl,
to just be like a prey animal, you know?
Just like a field rabbit out there,
just with ears and eyes looking out for rapists.
- Where's the rapists? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I'm sorry. I looked right at my dad when I said that.
I'm sorry.
We'll talk about it later. We'll talk about it later.
Where's the rapist? You know, it's just... It's instinct.
Honestly, it's because I had a very cautious mom,
growing up, you know?
Even for tonight's show, she was a little bit like, "Okay, are you sure
"it's a comedy show taping?"
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"It's... It's not a trap..."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"...set by child molesters?"
My mom also will do that thing
where she likes to pre-traumatize me
in order to scare me away from real trauma, right?
Like, get this, she'll just...
message me details about local murders.
Just two keep me on my toes, you know?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
She texted me, "Hey, Sierra,
"there was a girl nearby.
"About your age."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"Kind of looked like you."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"She was dragged out into the woods,
"raped, murdered, beheaded, the whole shebang.
"Police never found a trace.
"So be careful out there."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I look at that, I go, "Whoa, [CHUCKLES]
"police never found a trace, then, Mom, how do you know?
"Did you kill this bitch? Jesus."
Oh, my God.
My dad had a slightly different technique.
I remember, when I was a kid, you know, I was getting ready for bed,
and in my childhood bedroom, my bed was right by the window.
My first mistake.
Because little did I know, my dad had exited the house,
scurried around the perimeter,
and then popped his head right by my bed!
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And you know how there's fight or flight,
two really good survival instincts
we should all partake in.
Well, I chose option C, and I just froze.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And he looked at that and said, "See,
"you would have been dead."
- And then poof, he disappeared. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I never saw him again.
- He stuck around and raised me, but, hey... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
...I'm lucky to be alive, right?
We don't thank our fathers enough
for not just murdering us in our sleep, I think.
I know my parents do these weird things because they...
They worry, you know?
And look, I get it, I'm their only daughter
who's not my bitch of a sister, so...
Yikes. The stakes are high.
I'm kidding. My sister's here, too. Shout out to her.
- We'll talk about it later. - [AUDIENCE CHEERING]
I love my sister. Uh...
I hope this is okay for me to stay here.
She has actually some exciting news.
Uh, my sister is trying to get pregnant.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Bit of a slut.
Slutty thing to do. Uh...
No, I'm kidding. Her and her long-term husband
- are having unprotected sex, so... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
TMI. Uh...
No, I'm excited for them,
and I'm excited to be an aunt for the first time.
- [AUDIENCE CHEERING] - Yeah, I know.
I'm gonna be a fun aunt, or a funt. That's...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Funty Sierra, Dirty Little Funt,
- whatever the kid wants to call me. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Whatever sticks.
But I think when people hear, you know, my sister is married,
she's apparently having more productive sex than me...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
...they think that I might feel a little inferior.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - No, I'm...
I don't feel in competition with my sister. I...
She won that a long time ago. Uh...
If anything, I feel in competition with...
her unborn baby, right?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Yeah.
Listen, I've been the baby of the family, right?
Undefeated champ.
Now a real baby is gonna come in and take my spot? Mmm.
Don't think so.
I'm gonna have to fight this baby.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Okay? I don't want to have to do it.
But as the prophecy foretells,
neither can live while the other survives.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
That's a Harry Potter Voldemort reference.
Some of you laughed.
Those are the J. K. Rowling apologists.
Get them out of the building.
I should come clean. That baby's been born. That baby...
That's an old joke. So...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I know. That baby's, like,
32. I don't know what the fuck...
Why am I still saying that joke?
It's a funny joke, right?
What am I gonna do? Write a new one? Are you kidding me?
One thing they do say is, if your sibling has a kid,
you're more likely to have a kid.
Challenge accepted, right?
Let's see that happen.
I don't know. I get it. I get it, right.
Because I love my nephew so much.
He's so cute. And I'm his little funty.
So cute, right?
I love him...
And my favorite thing about him is that he's not mine. Right?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
He's not mine. We've have fun tonight. Okay, enough.
[CHUCKLES] No-take-back-ies.
Ew.
And things remind me more of having kids, though.
Like, I was just driving on the freeway,
I saw this billboard,
and it had a little cute, little baby handprint on it.
And it said, "Fingerprints at nine weeks."
So I guess it was an anti-abortion billboard
that was basically saying, like, at nine weeks,
the embryo developed something resembling fingerprints.
So maybe think about it.
Right? I was like, "Oh, shit."
So if I were to get pregnant,
and then the embryo had fingerprints
unique to that embryo,
and then that embryo commits a crime,
that crime can get traced back to me.
Oh, fuck, no! I better abort the shit out of the embryo!
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - Kidding me? Right?
I was on the fence before, but then I saw that billboard,
I was like, "Jesus Christ, yeah.
"Scrape this criminal clump of cells out of me."
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - Ugh!
No give-back-sies.
So, yeah, and I'm at a stage in my life
where, you know, I don't see
a lot of failed abortions running around.
Or kids. Sorry. Kids running around. Jesus, what do you call them?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I don't see a lot of kids, sorry,
running around.
I don't have a lot of friends who have kids, right?
I'm a childless adult living in a city.
So, you know, I see kids on TV.
Which, kids on TV, they're not like kids in real life.
They don't tell you this.
Kids on TV, they're like, 25.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Pretty hot.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Kids in real life, young.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Ugly as fuck.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I live very close to a middle school, though,
which, I realize, if I peek outside my window
at just the right time...
Sorry, that's creepy. At just the wrong time...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Sorry.
I see kids walking home from school, you know?
And it's beautiful, you know, it's nice to see,
like, the youth still thriving out there.
Yeah, because I mean, for me,
spotting a kid in the wild today,
it's like spotting a classic car still on the road.
You know? "Wow.
"I didn't know people were still making those."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Didn't we agree they're kind of bad for the environment?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
I guess it's fine.
But clearly, I don't know if I want kids.
You know, could still happen.
I recently got engaged.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Yeah.
Thank you.
To the love of my life.
You know, we met really young.
We met when I was 19,
and he was 47, and...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
No, he was 12. He went to the middle school, so it was really convenient.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
No. No, he was a year older.
We met my second year of college,
and then we've been together ever since, so yeah.
- [AUDIENCE CHEERING] - Thank you. Yeah.
And, hey, that was eight years before we got engaged.
So, yeah. I mean, I think being together that long,
I wanted the engagement
to feel less like a traditional betrothal
and more like an ultimatum.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - You know.
But hey, gun to his head,
he fucking committed. You know what I mean? Aww.
If that's not true love, I don't want it.
I'm super lucky. I feel lucky.
Any other long-termers out here?
Long-term relationship folks.
- [AUDIENCE CHEERING] - All right, all right.
Okay. My parents didn't cheer.
- Wow. Um... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Because of my situation, I haven't really dated in my adult life.
I know that's a little controversial
when I tell single friends who have been single for a while.
It's kind of like telling a war veteran
that you dodged the draft.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
You're like, "Oh, my God, I'm sorry."
Bone spurs.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And my single friends, they always want to tell me
their horror stories of dating. Phew.
Right. They're like... [IN HOARSE VOICE] "You do not know
"what I've been through."
Which...
All my single friends smoke, I guess, that's why they sound like that.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - But...
They're like, "Back in '22..."
Jesus.
"Back in '22, we lost my best friend, Lisa,
"to a flotilla of fuckboys."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
These fuckboys, they're coming by land and by sea.
They'll be like, "Back in 'Nam..."
Which 'Nam? That's just a Vietnamese restaurant
they go on dates to. I don't know.
What do they call it? It's just pho, okay?
"Back in 'Nam,
"a date offered to pay,
"and then he Venmo requested me on the way home."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
It's my fault.
Yeah. So, hey, to all my single folks out there,
- thank you for your service. Really. Yeah. - [AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Because of you, we are free, right?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
No.
But the last time I dated, I was in college, you know?
So that mindset is still tied to that time.
So, if anyone hits on me now,
I'm like, "God, pedophile."
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - "I'm 16."
Which then I realized, "Fuck, I'm a grown woman.
"Actually, you have great taste and you're not a pedophile.
"But ta-ta, I am betrothed to another," you know?
I haven't been single in a while. I don't know how to talk.
Speaking of getting hit on, though, I was recently
hit on by a teen.
Still got it. Okay.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
All right. Who's the pedophile now?
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
No, I said "no," of course.
And look, I knew he was a teen
because he had the acne for the job.
He was wearing a sweatshirt that said "Class of 2088"
or whatever godforsaken year
they're graduating in.
And he thought I was a fellow teen
because, you know, I can look a little younger than I am.
Especially if I'm not wearing makeup.
And if I'm wearing a backpack...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
...with school supplies in it.
A little protractor sticking out,
you know, it tends to age me down.
I'm also a longtime subscriber to "Asian don't raisin."
- You guys... Yeah. - [AUDIENCE CHEERING]
I didn't make that up.
Okay, right. Asian don't raisin. That's sort of a...
It's a rhyme. It just means Asians age well.
It's similar to "Black don't crack"
or "Brown don't frown."
Yeah, you know, I don't know why we keep
all these weirdly racist rhymes around.
It's just, you know, it's a lot. It's a lot of words.
Just... Kind of just say,
"White people don't age so well." You know?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I don't know why we're tiptoeing around that one, right?
Woo. You know?
And hey, look, it's beautiful to age.
It's not... It's totally fine to age, I think.
It means you lived your life. You know, nothing wrong with that.
But I'm just saying for, like, efficiency sake,
you know, if we could just do one rhyme, cut to the chase.
We're not getting any younger. Especially not white people, so...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I said it again.
But what about "Caucasians do raisin." That's...
That's right there. Ready to go.
"White guys better moisturize." That one...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Right. It's gendered, but it has instructions baked in, so...
I'd love to lotion, throw in some sunscreen.
Get a little crazy.
And it's not all it's cracked up to be to look young
or, you know... I think sometimes
I feel young and unaccomplished for my age.
Yeah.
Like, I did this recently. Don't do this.
I compared where I'm at in my life
to my parents at my age.
Yeah.
Get this, by my age, 28,
my dad already had a full-grown mustache.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - Just a full mouth bush.
I'm still over here penciling my eyebrows.
Like a fucking dunce.
Probably the most mature thing that I've done
so far,
is buy a duvet cover. That's...
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Yeah. Hey. You know, yeah.
I made a little money last year.
- Decided to splurge, and... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
You know, what they don't say is basically,
a duvet cover, fancy name,
but it's basically just a condom for your comforter,
- are you kidding me? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Right? Practice safe sleep, kids. It's very simple.
But what they don't tell you about the duvet cover tax bracket,
is I woke up after just one sleep
and all the meat of the duvet
- was just pushed to the back corner... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
...of the cover. Are you kidding me?
Right? Just all of it to the back.
And I had to spend my precious unemployed hours
just fucking kneading that thing back to factory.
Just smoothing that out with a rolling pin.
Holding the corners like a shivering Chihuahua.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Degrading.
You know? Biggie was right.
"More money, more problems."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
- Yeah. - [AUDIENCE CHEERING]
So...
You bet the next day I went back to raw-dogging it.
- You know, I just... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I remember where I came from. And...
I also bought myself a couch.
- [AUDIENCE CHEERING] - Yeah.
Off of Craigslist, because I like a little danger.
- And... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Yeah, I was proud of this sale, you know,
because, look, I negotiated to get the seller
to come deliver the couch for me for free.
So not only did I get a pretty decent couch
for a good price,
I also got a stranger to know where I live...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
...and know I'm too weak to carry a couch,
let alone defend myself. So...
So I hope he helps me open my pepper spray
- so I can... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Comparison is tough, okay?
I had a tough time with it recently
because, as a comedian, sometimes you get hired
to perform for universities, for the students,
and I recently went to the UCLA Medical School
and performed for the students there.
- Yeah. - [AUDIENCE CHEERING]
It was for the Asian American Student Association there.
So, you know, most of the medical school, right?
We're doing okay. We're doing all right.
Don't worry about us.
And when I got there, you know, a lot of the students were younger than me,
and they were about to graduate, become doctors.
And I told them, I was like, "You guys should be so proud. You've made it."
Right, and they kind of turned it on me.
They were like, "Well, Sierra as a comedian, when will you know
"you've made it?"
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[MIMICKING WITH ANNOYANCE]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
So, yeah, I was like, "Okay,
"well, comedy, it's not as simple as medicine,
- "okay?" - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
You're there, what, four years? They don't teach you that? Okay. Okay.
Waste of money.
I said, "Look, if I had to choose something
"as a comic, to know that I've made it,
"it would be when I marry a doctor."
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - So if all the single students could come to the front,
right, I think I have a lump in my breast.
- I think... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
- Fondle my breast. Uh... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
That's how you snag 'em. You know?
That's how I met my fiance. So...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I met him in a much more traditional way, drunk on a bus.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - But he did give me a breast exam later,
so there's parallels.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING]
Comparison was another reason
why I think I started to give up on stand-up
because, you know, it was very easy
for me to compare myself to other comedians
and be like, "That one's way more successful than me,
"funnier. How am I ever gonna catch up? What's the point?"
And it's super easy to do, because stand-up,
it's like a solo sport, you know, unlike basketball. So...
Right, and other comedians are competitive, too.
Like, I had this one comedian come up to me,
say this, white guy...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Well, I don't want to name names,
- but his name was James. And... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And he said this to me, he was like,
"Sierra, there's a lot more Asian comedians now.
"So do you feel like maybe there's not enough room for you?"
[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS]
Yeah, and that got me thinking, I was like, "Wow,
"you're a white guy named James in comedy."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
There were literally three of you
- hosting their own late night talk shows. Like... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I think there's a little wiggle room for more Asians.
Get in there.
But that's what it feels like sometimes,
like we feel like we have to compete
and that there's not enough room, no matter who you are, right?
And that sucks because it's not true.
I feel like I need even more just general abundance mentality.
- You know, it's hard, though. It's hard. - [AUDIENCE CHEERING]
It's hard.
But just take like my case, for example, okay?
The more Asian comedians, the better.
Because if Ali Wong or Ronny Chieng or Margaret Cho,
whoever, get their next sitcom, their next movie, right?
Who's gonna play the young concubine?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Or massive cousin, you know.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Heck, I'll even play the stereotypical IT guy,
because remember, computer science, I'll do that shit method.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
And, yeah.
I do act, okay?
- [AUDIENCE CHEERING] - No, no.
Yeah.
I know.
One of the first scenes I ever did for TV
was an implied nudity scene.
You guys know what that is? Implied nudity,
it's when they film you from the neck up
and they imply whoo-hoo.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
That you're nude.
You know, leave it up to the imagination. Mmm.
Kind of like leaving your clothes on. Whoa.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Kinky. [CHUCKLES]
And they also asked me, if I was comfortable,
they could film my full rear.
You know, that means my cheeks, okay?
Little industry talk for you.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Don't spend it all in one place.
But yeah, you know, and I was a little hesitant.
It's a lot of exposure.
So, you know, they let me think about it.
I went home and thought about it,
and I got to thinking,
about the importance of representation.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And you know, normally when we're talking
representation in media,
we're talking racial representation,
queer representation.
But what about flat ass representation.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Where are those stories?
Where's that America?
Yeah?
And look, you know, I'm not body shaming myself.
I'm a petite person. I've got the butt to boot. [CHUCKLES]
But you know, and there are plenty of skinny people on TV,
but I'm talking about an ass so flat...
That you know, sometimes if I go... I go to a restaurant,
I'm gonna go to a sit-down dinner,
sometimes I call the restaurant ahead.
I call them, I go, "Hey, What kind of chairs do you guys have?"
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Do you have hardwood chairs?
Do you maybe have a pillow in the back
I can borrow to sit on?
'Cause I don't have a pillow in the back...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
...to sit on.
That kind of ass, okay?
Is it the kind of ass where, one time,
I was at a party, I was bending over to grab my coat
to leave, you know?
And a guy tried to grab it.
Tried to grab my ass.
"Try" being the operative word here.
It's kind of... It's hard.
It's hard to grab my ass, okay? It's almost un-grabable
- some would say. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
It's kind of like trying to pick up the floor.
- You're just like... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"What is going on?"
And, you know, maybe consent would help.
You know what I mean? Like, if he had asked me
and I was into it, then maybe, yeah, I could stand up
and kind of scooch to one side a little bit.
Give him a little something.
So, yeah.
It's a very consent-friendly ass.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
That kind of ass, okay?
I went to work saying, "That kind of ass!"
I was ready. I was ready.
I was ready to act my little tush off.
I got there that day...
I got there, I was like, "Yeah." I showed 'em what I was working with.
Right. They took a look, they're like, "Yeah.
"Okay, we're just gonna stick to implied nudity."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"Let's leave that booty up to the imagination.
"It tends to be a little bigger in there, so..."
You know, it's okay, we'll get 'em next time.
We'll get 'em next time.
I'm doing my squats, right?
I might get an implant. Just one.
Just on the left cheek.
We went a little before and after on the same body.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
That's where the discounts are at.
No, I joke about representation,
but it is really important, right?
Like, within the Asian American community,
there's still a lot of work that has to be done
to make sure more Asian stories are told.
- [AUDIENCE WHOOPS] - Yeah.
- [AUDIENCE CHEERING] - You can cheer for that.
But I choose to look on the bright side, okay?
Because sure, Asian women,
we're still pretty underrepresented
when it comes to TV and movies and stuff,
but at least we are overrepresented where it counts.
Porn.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - You know?
Hey, and say what you will about porn, okay,
but the diversity is... [KISSES] Yeah?
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - Way ahead of the curve, right?
And that meant a lot to me as a young girl, you know...
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - ...browsing the old incognito window.
To see myself reflected in such classics...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
...as, uh, Tiny Asian Woman Gets Dicked Down By Seven Dudes.
- Beautiful. Oh. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I get emotional even thinking about it.
- Um... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Yeah. So I thank those porn stars
who paved the way, right? Without them,
hey, this little girl would have never been proud
to bare her skinny ass on TV. So, yeah.
- [AUDIENCE CHEERING] - It's important.
Respect your elders.
And role models are important, to know what's possible.
But nobody talks about...
It's actually more important to have the opposite of role models.
Below models.
Yeah.
You know, people you can look at and be like, "Hmm."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"Thank God I'm not that bitch. Okay."
"Yikes."
Take Instagram, for example.
I'm always scrolling on that thing,
just seeing people accomplishing more than me that day, right?
Like, "Oh, that guy got a great car."
"She's got a good ass. Huh.
"That guy got out of bed."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
That's why I only follow dogs.
Because they're cute, but most importantly,
they don't make you feel like shit.
Because they just got finished eating their own shit.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
They don't know the difference.
Like, sure, I haven't accomplished much,
but at least I don't stick my nose
in someone's crotch the minute I meet them.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I wait a day like a gentleman.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
You know, the problem, though, is that some of these dogs
are starting to have better lives than me. Okay?
Right? Like, I follow this one dog, a Shiba Inu, you know,
lives in Tokyo, Japan.
Likely story.
And...
Yeah, I mean, beautiful dog.
The body on this dog...
Probably had some work done. You know what I mean?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Double implant. Uh...
But on this dog's Instagram, all the comments
and captions are in Japanese,
so I don't really know what's going on,
but I'm just scrolling on this dog's profile at, like, 3:00 a.m.
Prime time to hate yourself.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
You know, I was so moved.
I wrote, "This dog is career goals."
And I sent that.
Went to bed, woke up the next morning,
and the dog had responded.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
He just wrote, "Thank you."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
In perfect English, so...
So I guess this dog's also fucking bilingual, too.
Why the...
How else does he want me to feel like shit, you know?
Unfollow. That's...
Protect your energy.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
But no, I caved. I looked back
on that dog's Instagram recently.
I saw the dog died.
AUDIENCE: Aw.
Aw, I know. They don't live that long.
Right? So...
I guess I won, in the end.
- You know what I mean? - [AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Feels good.
Hey, feels good to be alive.
But don't worry, I'm in therapy.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I said I'm in therapy.
Normally there's applause. Okay. Wow.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING]
Oh, too late, okay?
Guess I'll talk about it in therapy. [CHUCKLES SARCASTICALLY]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
No, I think the minute I learned
I was dunking on a dead dog,
I was like, "Okay, I should talk to somebody."
And...
Therapy, it's something I've been meaning to do for so long, you know?
I just was dragging my feet,
waiting for it to become trendy,
and then it did.
So I hopped on that bandwagon and it's great.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
One of the things I'm working on in therapy
is that negative self-talk.
Do you guys get that?
Some sad nods. Yeah.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And it's tough.
Like, let me tell you, my negative voice in my head, phew,
- she employs twang, right? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
She's loud as fuck, watching tons of tutorials, that girl.
And she's catchy. Like, she'll pop in.
I'm just washing the dishes or something,
she'll pop in, she'll be like, "Hey, Sierra." I'm like, "Yeah, me? What?"
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"Hey, why don't you stop being such a little cunt?" Like, Jesus.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
The C word, you know? Sheesh.
I never use the C word, really.
It's just like... It's so harsh, right?
I never... Except in that joke that I tell all the time to everybody...
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - ...but never... C word?
And so specific. Like,
"Stop being such a little cunt." Like...
I don't... I don't think I'm being much of a little cunt.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
But I don't know, maybe that's what a little cunt would say. You know?
Ugh, so... See? Pretty catchy. And...
My therapist also says I'm depressed like everybody.
- So... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Yeah. Which is kind of weird, right?
Coming from my therapist.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I don't pay her for that.
I pay her to maybe to try out some jokes, you know?
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - Get some laughs, bring 'em here.
But diagnoses, what?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
There were signs. I should have known
maybe that I was depressed.
Like, before my therapist knew, before I knew,
my credit card company knew.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
They sent me this helpful mailer.
It was like a subscription services type thing,
like which ones are being charged to your credit card.
Wi-Fi, Amazon, just to make sure
there were no free trials gone wild, right?
I looked at that list, I was like, "Wait a second,
"what's Mochinut doing there?"
Do you guys know what that is?
It's a brand of doughnut.
Okay? For those who don't know... [SCOFFS] buckle up.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Mochinut, okay?
She's not like your other doughnuts.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Right? She's made of rice dough, like mochi.
And then deep-fried like a doughnut.
Get you a pastry who can do both.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Right?
She's a donut in the streets, medication in the sheets.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Because I was eating these in bed to numb the pain.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And see, I ordered these doughnuts
at such a high frequency,
at such a regular cadence
that my credit card company
thought I was subscribed to doughnuts.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Another sign I was depressed
was that I exclusively started to wear soft shirts.
Because I would wake up in the morning
and feel like shit, I'd go to the closet,
be like, "Okay, you know, ugh, what shirt?
"Mm. That one's too hard. Ugh.
"That one's kind of crispy. Ugh, that's crunchy.
"That one has a zipper. Are you trying to fucking kill me? Jesus."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And then, ooh, I find a nice softy, slip into that bad boy.
And then go right back to bed.
You know, you can't do that in a denim jacket. You can't.
You've got to be ready in your soft, stretchy tee to go to bed
at any moment.
Don't even get me started on soft pants.
We'll be here all night, baby.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
But my therapist also recommended
I should get on antidepressants.
Which, you know, I've heard great things about,
and I have tons of friends who are on them,
and they say they do wonders, so I'm trying to get on them.
It's just, you know, there's a few steps, right?
Like, I have to find a psychiatrist to prescribe
because my therapist can't.
I have to make sure my psychiatrist
has a network of my health insurance.
I've got to make an appointment, convince them that, yes, I do need this medication.
It's kind of a lot, all right?
I'm depressed, okay?
Like, I can't even zip up a hard shirt.
Do you think I can make small talk with the receptionist?
Like, "Oh, yeah, April 19th, maybe.
"It's been, you know, crazy weather."
But I feel like I need antidepressants
to get on antidepressants.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Is that crazy? I feel like I ordered a box cutter off of Amazon.
And I can't get the thing, to get the thing inside the thing
to get the thing open.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Right. That's a perfect metaphor that I came up with while depressed.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - So if you didn't laugh, you're too happy with your life.
I luckily have a bit of a secret sauce when it comes to depression,
because on top of my depression,
I have the tiniest, healthiest touch
of narcissism.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Because, like a lot of people,
I suffer from suicidal thoughts, ideations,
but when I'm at my lowest point,
you know, and I'm thinking, "It would just be easier to end things,"
there's at least a small part of me that's like,
"Hmm,
"but that would just be a huge loss for everybody."
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - "Right? I'm just a delight."
- [AUDIENCE CHEERING] - And...
You know...
Hey, maybe that's what I just need more of in general,
not necessarily narcissism,
but just more confidence to, like, do this, to do comedy, right?
- Because-- - [AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Because I started this for really childish reasons.
But I also gave up for childish reasons.
You know, because there's always going to be
mean comments or comparisons
to people who are better and funnier and hotter dogs, and...
But look, I just need to sack up
and stop being a little cunt.
Right? And get back in the game.
So I just want to leave you guys on one story
that I come back to every time I think about giving up on this,
and it's a great story.
It's actually the story of the first
and hopefully not last time
I was ever punched in the stomach.
And I was a kid.
I was playing this very fun childhood game with a friend.
It's a common game.
I'm sure you guys have played this one.
I'm not sure if I can remember the name, but I'll just describe it.
You guys will know.
So basically it's the game where she is the up-and-coming
rookie boxer Jim The Jab Johnson. Right?
She's got a lot of raw talent,
but not a lot of structure nor discipline,
and that's where I come in.
I'm Coach Jenkins. Yeah?
And look, I used to be not unlike this up-and-coming
rookie rock star boxer Jim the Jab.
But now I'm in my 60s,
cresting 70,
and I woke up one morning and realized,
"What's my legacy?"
I don't have kids. No grandkids.
Sure, I've got that championship belt
above the mantel that sometimes I spit-shine
when I get a little too sauced on whiskey, neat.
You know what I'm talking about.
But those are just metal, leather,
you know, maybe my legacy is coaching
this young whippersnapper over here.
Jim the Jab, right?
Even though he's got a bit of an attitude.
First of all, naming yourself after the most common boxing move, the jab,
come on. The nerve.
And, you know, let's be real,
he reminds me a little bit too much of myself.
Yeah, and that just shows me that even with my 70th birthday
on the horizon,
I'm still stuck in the toughest boxing match of all.
That with my own ego.
You know that game. What's it called?
We all play that one. What's it called?
Boxing friends, boxing buddies?
Well, we'll remember. It'll come to me in the shower.
Basically, and we were playing that game, okay?
We're boxing, okay?
And we were using a beanbag chair as a punching bag.
Beanbag chair, you know, it's sort of like
if you hold it up by the skin like that,
like all the, the meat goes to one side,
kind of like a duvet cover, um, right?
Or like my ass, right?
If you ask, if you ask.
You know, you hold that up,
and so all the meat's at the bottom.
The skin is just up here. So she punched through the skin,
right to my stomach.
Oh!
Yeah. That was some of the worst pain I ever felt in my life.
I couldn't see, I couldn't hear.
But through that pain,
through that nightmare,
I stayed in character.
Yeah. Yeah, I was Coach Jenkins through and through, so...
That's how I knew,
hey, computer science, basketball, massage parlor,
keep your millions.
I'm meant for the stage.
- And I'm back doing comedy, baby! - [AUDIENCE CHEERING]
That's my time. Thank you so much.
Thank you.
You bet. You bet.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
Thank you. Thank you.
* Turn it up Turn it up *
* Turn it up a little louder *
* Now get low Get low *
* Yeah, drop it to the floor *
* Turn it up Turn it up *
* Turn it up a little louder *
* Now get low Get low *
* Get low, get low *
* Yeah, drop it to the floor *
* Turn it up Turn it up *
* Turn it up a little louder *
* Up a little louder *
* Now get low Get low *
* Yeah, drop it to the floor *