WEBVTT FILE

1
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MALL SANTA: oh, ha, ha. Well,
I'll definitely be getting you that bicycle.

2
00:01:15.742 --> 00:01:19.952
And I'll see what I can do about
your parents' ugly divorce, Caren.

3
00:01:20.113 --> 00:01:22.320
All right. Merry Christmas!

4
00:01:22.515 --> 00:01:24.051
- Who's next?
- Santa!

5
00:01:24.217 --> 00:01:26.788
Kumar, no! Merry--

6
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WOMAN:
Back cf the line, tech support!

7
00:01:28.755 --> 00:01:30.598
- Is this a joke?
KUMAR: Hold the fuck on.

8
00:01:30.757 --> 00:01:33.397
Your son can rub his ass
on Santa's cock in a minute.

9
00:01:33.560 --> 00:01:34.868
[ALL GASP]

10
00:01:35.328 --> 00:01:38.571
- What do you want for Christmas?
KUMAR: That's a really good question.

11
00:01:38.732 --> 00:01:40.302
- Snoopy Sno-cone Machine.
- Done.

12
00:01:40.467 --> 00:01:41.571
- And a DeLorean.
- Yes.

13
00:01:41.735 --> 00:01:43.112
Wu-Tang to get back together.

14
00:01:43.269 --> 00:01:44.680
I'll tell the elves.

15
00:01:44.838 --> 00:01:46.442
This is just for my stockings.

16
00:01:46.606 --> 00:01:47.744
- For my present--
- Hey!

17
00:01:48.108 --> 00:01:50.452
Meet me at my sleigh
in half an hour, okay?

18
00:01:50.610 --> 00:01:52.647
You get it. Merry Christmas, Santa.

19
00:01:52.812 --> 00:01:54.086
- Ooh. Bang.
- Oh!

20
00:01:55.115 --> 00:01:57.459
Right in the sugar plums.

21
00:01:57.917 --> 00:02:01.455
Okay. On the menu today, we have:

22
00:02:01.855 --> 00:02:03.266
Winter Wonder Weed.

23
00:02:03.556 --> 00:02:06.594
We have Rudolph
the Red-Eyed Reindeer.

24
00:02:06.760 --> 00:02:08.034
Oh, it's a Weederful Life.

25
00:02:08.194 --> 00:02:10.470
God, does everything have
to be about Christmas?

26
00:02:10.630 --> 00:02:12.337
Hey, some people like the holidays.

27
00:02:12.499 --> 00:02:16.447
I had Hanukkah Hash, but the kids from
Temple Shalom Immanuel cleaned me cut.

28
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KUMAR:
What is this? "Kwanzaa Cookout."

29
00:02:18.938 --> 00:02:20.178
A little more expensive.

30
00:02:20.907 --> 00:02:22.978
This is like Duvalier Dank from October.

31
00:02:23.143 --> 00:02:24.645
- I'll take it.
- Oh. Hello, gentlemen.

32
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KUMAR:
Mm.

33
00:02:26.579 --> 00:02:27.557
- Shit.
- What?

34
00:02:27.714 --> 00:02:29.352
You have anything to smoke cut cf?

35
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[COUGHS]

36
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PROTESTERS [CHANTING]:
Wall Street sucks! Wall Street sucks!

37
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Wall Street sucks! Wall Street sucks!

38
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KENNETH:
Ah, Mr. Lee? I'm here.

39
00:03:19.098 --> 00:03:20.099
Wait...

40
00:03:20.266 --> 00:03:21.472
...more protesters?

41
00:03:22.202 --> 00:03:24.648
Do they really think we care
what poor people think?

42
00:03:24.804 --> 00:03:25.908
Kenneth, it's Christmas.

43
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They're out of work. You'd be upset too.

44
00:03:28.708 --> 00:03:30.585
Let's see haw you did
on your assignment.

45
00:03:30.743 --> 00:03:34.020
I think I found the absolute best gift
for your father-in-law.

46
00:03:34.180 --> 00:03:36.990
And, Mr. Lee, I think you're
gonna be really pleased.

47
00:03:38.284 --> 00:03:39.388
Ow.

48
00:03:39.552 --> 00:03:41.225
Oh, my God.

49
00:03:41.387 --> 00:03:42.058
Hi.

50
00:03:42.222 --> 00:03:43.701
This is a Sharp...

51
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...52" Aquos Quattron TV...

52
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...with state-cf-the-art 3D technology...

53
00:03:48.895 --> 00:03:51.000
...that makes Avatar lock Avatar-ded.

54
00:03:51.164 --> 00:03:53.974
I don't know. Hasn't the 3D thing
jumped the shark by now?

55
00:03:54.133 --> 00:03:55.635
Mr. Lee, you don't understand.

56
00:03:55.802 --> 00:03:57.611
This is the best 3D you've ever seen.

57
00:03:57.770 --> 00:03:59.477
It's gonna be amazing!

58
00:04:01.541 --> 00:04:03.248
Who are you looking at?

59
00:04:09.015 --> 00:04:09.584
Mr. Lee!

60
00:04:10.083 --> 00:04:11.426
Want me to call you a cab...

61
00:04:11.584 --> 00:04:13.427
...a town car, a limo? it's not safe...

62
00:04:13.586 --> 00:04:15.429
...cut there.
- No, thanks, Kenneth.

63
00:04:15.588 --> 00:04:17.465
I get a buddy picking me up.

64
00:04:18.558 --> 00:04:20.595
One more thing!
Merry Christmas to you...

65
00:04:20.760 --> 00:04:22.239
...Harold, and Happy New Year!

66
00:04:22.395 --> 00:04:23.271
Hey, over there.

67
00:04:23.429 --> 00:04:24.407
We get another one.

68
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Don't worry, Mr. Lee. I'll distract them.

69
00:04:27.901 --> 00:04:28.811
Hey...

70
00:04:28.968 --> 00:04:31.642
...angry protesters!
I just get a huge Christmas bonus...

71
00:04:31.804 --> 00:04:33.750
...so you can suck my rich, yellow...

72
00:04:33.907 --> 00:04:34.612
...dick!

73
00:04:44.517 --> 00:04:46.793
[YELLS]

74
00:04:47.687 --> 00:04:48.324
Get him!

75
00:04:48.488 --> 00:04:49.364
[PROTESTERS CLAMORING]

76
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[GRUNTING]

77
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[SCREAMING]

78
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[WHIMPERING]

79
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HAROLD:
Dude!

80
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Open the door!

81
00:05:23.756 --> 00:05:25.292
Unh. Thank God you're here.

82
00:05:26.092 --> 00:05:28.094
I thought those hippies
were gonna kill you.

83
00:05:29.495 --> 00:05:31.304
Shoo! Shoo! Shoo, shoo, shoo!

84
00:05:31.464 --> 00:05:32.841
Just drive. Todd, drive.

85
00:05:34.133 --> 00:05:35.976
No, no, no! No, no, no!

86
00:05:36.135 --> 00:05:36.670
Oh, great.

87
00:05:36.836 --> 00:05:38.281
Now we're getting tinkled on.

88
00:05:38.438 --> 00:05:40.440
-It's just urine. it'll wash cut.
- Oh, Harry.

89
00:05:40.606 --> 00:05:42.984
Tinkle on the windshield
is the grossest thing...

90
00:05:43.142 --> 00:05:44.746
...that has ever happened to me.

91
00:05:46.746 --> 00:05:47.747
Ugh.

92
00:05:47.914 --> 00:05:49.860
[RETCHES]

93
00:05:56.122 --> 00:05:57.692
It smells like shit in here.

94
00:06:08.634 --> 00:06:09.374
Hey...

95
00:06:09.669 --> 00:06:11.239
...neighbor.
- Hey, man.

96
00:06:11.404 --> 00:06:11.939
All right.

97
00:06:12.105 --> 00:06:15.314
Check it. Remember that hot virgin
I met on the internet? Get this:

98
00:06:15.575 --> 00:06:16.883
She wants me...

99
00:06:17.043 --> 00:06:18.579
...to deflower her.

100
00:06:18.778 --> 00:06:20.280
Tonight. Christmas Eve.

101
00:06:20.446 --> 00:06:22.892
At a party she's throwing
in Manhattan. Best part:

102
00:06:23.049 --> 00:06:25.029
- You're coming with me.
- No can do, man.

103
00:06:25.184 --> 00:06:28.324
I gotta stay here and smoke this weed,
otherwise I won't get high.

104
00:06:28.488 --> 00:06:29.762
Why not ask your roommate?

105
00:06:29.922 --> 00:06:32.402
Because you're the best.
I don't wanna go with him.

106
00:06:32.558 --> 00:06:35.596
I already asked him. He said no.
He's spending Christmas...

107
00:06:35.762 --> 00:06:37.435
...with his stupid girlfriend.

108
00:06:37.730 --> 00:06:40.540
Mm. This is what happens.
They get a girlfriend...

109
00:06:40.700 --> 00:06:42.577
...then they get married...

110
00:06:42.735 --> 00:06:44.681
...then you never hear from them again.

111
00:06:47.073 --> 00:06:48.074
Fuck it, I'm in.

112
00:06:48.541 --> 00:06:49.383
Yes.

113
00:06:51.711 --> 00:06:55.022
TODD: Wow, the Jewish neighbors
must hate this.

114
00:06:55.815 --> 00:06:57.795
Well, Harry. Harry.

115
00:06:57.950 --> 00:06:59.258
You have outdone yourself.

116
00:06:59.419 --> 00:07:00.796
HAROLD:
If you knew Maria's dad...

117
00:07:00.953 --> 00:07:02.660
...you'd pull out all the stops too.

118
00:07:02.822 --> 00:07:04.824
Has not accepted you
as part cf the family?

119
00:07:04.991 --> 00:07:09.064
No, not yet. But he's a huge fan cf
Christmas. I'm hoping when he sees...

120
00:07:09.228 --> 00:07:10.866
...all the work, he appreciates it.

121
00:07:11.030 --> 00:07:12.100
Oh, so smart.

122
00:07:12.265 --> 00:07:13.938
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.

123
00:07:14.100 --> 00:07:15.477
Oh. Jinx.

124
00:07:15.635 --> 00:07:18.582
You always do that.
You keep doing it. it's crazy.

125
00:07:18.738 --> 00:07:21.048
Okay, I'll Skype you later or text you.

126
00:07:21.474 --> 00:07:22.350
Or both.

127
00:07:24.210 --> 00:07:25.280
Maria!

128
00:07:25.645 --> 00:07:28.023
Oh, hi there.
Somebody's lacking...

129
00:07:28.181 --> 00:07:30.787
...uh, very merry today.

130
00:07:30.950 --> 00:07:32.827
Somebody is also...

131
00:07:32.985 --> 00:07:34.896
...ovulating.

132
00:07:35.421 --> 00:07:36.661
Um ...

133
00:07:37.490 --> 00:07:40.903
Your dad is gonna be here any minute,
though. Honestly, that's--

134
00:07:41.060 --> 00:07:43.904
- Baby. Then let's get to it.
- Oh!

135
00:07:44.063 --> 00:07:45.804
Because when they get here...

136
00:07:45.965 --> 00:07:50.004
...we are going to have no private time.

137
00:07:50.169 --> 00:07:51.648
I don't know if we should.

138
00:07:51.804 --> 00:07:54.250
Now, came on and fuck a baby into me.

139
00:07:54.941 --> 00:07:56.443
Okay, I will.

140
00:07:56.642 --> 00:07:57.814
[HAROLD GRUNTS THEN CHUCKLES]

141
00:07:58.444 --> 00:08:00.788
Two-hander. Okay. Ha-ha-ha.

142
00:08:00.947 --> 00:08:03.951
If it's a baby I gotta give you,
it's a baby you're gonna get.

143
00:08:04.917 --> 00:08:06.089
[DOORBELL RINGS]

144
00:08:06.419 --> 00:08:07.420
BOTH:
Shit.

145
00:08:10.089 --> 00:08:11.432
Ga. Ga.

146
00:08:13.192 --> 00:08:14.170
[KNOCK ON DOOR]

147
00:08:14.494 --> 00:08:15.837
Be cool.

148
00:08:19.332 --> 00:08:21.505
Carlos, Merry Christmas.

149
00:08:22.969 --> 00:08:24.471
Hello, Harold.

150
00:08:24.904 --> 00:08:27.714
You made the drive in record time.
Didn't speed, did you?

151
00:08:29.842 --> 00:08:31.048
[GULPS]

152
00:08:31.611 --> 00:08:33.113
Empanadas?

153
00:08:34.313 --> 00:08:35.553
Where's Maria?

154
00:08:35.715 --> 00:08:36.523
HAROLD:
She's upstairs...

155
00:08:36.682 --> 00:08:38.025
...getting ready.

156
00:08:38.184 --> 00:08:39.458
Can I get you a beer?

157
00:08:39.619 --> 00:08:40.825
What the hell is that?

158
00:08:43.122 --> 00:08:45.966
HAROLD:
She caught your eye, huh? Ha, ha.

159
00:08:46.125 --> 00:08:47.536
This is cur Christmas tree.

160
00:08:47.693 --> 00:08:48.831
Is it fake?

161
00:08:49.228 --> 00:08:50.764
It's faux, actually.

162
00:08:50.930 --> 00:08:52.500
You celebrating real Christmas...

163
00:08:52.665 --> 00:08:54.303
...or a faux Christmas?

164
00:08:54.467 --> 00:08:55.377
Real Christmas?

165
00:08:55.535 --> 00:08:56.104
MARIA:
Daddy.

166
00:08:56.669 --> 00:08:57.579
Daddy!

167
00:08:58.070 --> 00:08:58.844
God.

168
00:08:59.005 --> 00:09:00.006
MARIA:
I've missed you!

169
00:09:00.173 --> 00:09:00.878
[MARIA GASPs]

170
00:09:01.307 --> 00:09:02.547
And the whale family...

171
00:09:02.708 --> 00:09:03.652
...is here.

172
00:09:03.809 --> 00:09:04.583
[MARIA SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

173
00:09:05.144 --> 00:09:05.918
Hi...

174
00:09:06.078 --> 00:09:07.113
...everybody!

175
00:09:07.280 --> 00:09:08.384
[ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

176
00:09:08.714 --> 00:09:09.954
Oh, God.

177
00:09:12.218 --> 00:09:13.891
Oh. I guess Timo...

178
00:09:14.053 --> 00:09:15.054
...made parole.

179
00:09:15.221 --> 00:09:16.894
Uh, not exactly.

180
00:09:17.056 --> 00:09:19.627
Hey! Let's take a picture. Everybody!

181
00:09:19.792 --> 00:09:21.100
[CHUCKLES]

182
00:09:21.861 --> 00:09:22.931
You take it.

183
00:09:23.095 --> 00:09:25.405
You people are real good
with those things.

184
00:09:27.600 --> 00:09:28.874
HAROLD:
it's just the weekend.

185
00:09:29.735 --> 00:09:31.646
It's just the weekend.

186
00:09:34.874 --> 00:09:36.547
NARRATOR [ON TV]:
Has this ever happened to you?

187
00:09:36.709 --> 00:09:37.949
This stupid waffle's stuck.

188
00:09:38.711 --> 00:09:39.746
[GRUNTING]

189
00:09:39.912 --> 00:09:41.050
MOM:
Oh, my God! Billy!

190
00:09:41.214 --> 00:09:42.420
- Heh-heh-heh.
MOM: George, call 911!

191
00:09:42.582 --> 00:09:43.583
This is fucked up.

192
00:09:43.749 --> 00:09:44.693
NARRATOR:
How about this?

193
00:09:45.351 --> 00:09:46.489
[GIRL SCREAMS]

194
00:09:47.353 --> 00:09:49.128
Well, it doesn't have to any more.

195
00:09:49.288 --> 00:09:51.427
Introducing WaffleBot.

196
00:09:52.592 --> 00:09:53.627
BOTH:
WaffleBot!

197
00:09:55.061 --> 00:09:57.598
NARRATOR:
Just pop the top, let that batter drop...

198
00:09:57.763 --> 00:09:59.640
...and WaffleBot does the rest.

199
00:10:00.066 --> 00:10:01.602
Make every breakfast a Bot-fast.

200
00:10:02.635 --> 00:10:04.808
BOTH:
Thanks, WaffleBot!

201
00:10:05.004 --> 00:10:06.779
WAFFLEBOT:
I love you.

202
00:10:06.939 --> 00:10:07.974
NARRATOR:
Get the Christmas...

203
00:10:08.140 --> 00:10:10.211
...toy of the season while they're hot.

204
00:10:10.676 --> 00:10:11.984
[KNOCK ON DOOR]

205
00:10:12.612 --> 00:10:14.819
KUMAR:
I'm busy, Adrian! Go away!

206
00:10:15.047 --> 00:10:17.527
VANESSA:
Kumar! it's Vanessa.

207
00:10:19.085 --> 00:10:21.258
Hey. Locks like somebody missed me.

208
00:10:21.787 --> 00:10:23.130
Come on in.

209
00:10:23.289 --> 00:10:25.633
Since when do you have a beard?

210
00:10:25.791 --> 00:10:28.738
I actually have not shaved since you left.
Pretty romantic.

211
00:10:28.894 --> 00:10:31.238
Kind of like Ryan Gosling
in The Notebook.

212
00:10:31.797 --> 00:10:33.435
VANESSA:
When's the last time you cleaned?

213
00:10:33.599 --> 00:10:35.442
Like three months ago.

214
00:10:35.601 --> 00:10:36.671
Less romantic?

215
00:10:36.836 --> 00:10:38.144
Little bit, yeah.

216
00:10:38.304 --> 00:10:40.648
I'm sorry, where are my manners?
Here. Here.

217
00:10:40.806 --> 00:10:41.546
Oh, no, no, no.

218
00:10:41.707 --> 00:10:43.152
No, I shouldn't.

219
00:10:43.309 --> 00:10:44.310
Of course you should.

220
00:10:44.477 --> 00:10:46.184
Kumar, I really need to talk to you.

221
00:10:48.781 --> 00:10:49.589
I'm pregnant.

222
00:10:49.749 --> 00:10:50.693
[COUGHS]

223
00:10:50.850 --> 00:10:52.124
You're pregnant?

224
00:10:52.451 --> 00:10:53.521
We--

225
00:10:53.686 --> 00:10:54.790
We practiced safe sex.

226
00:10:54.954 --> 00:10:55.796
[SCOFFS]

227
00:10:55.955 --> 00:10:57.935
I mean, I pulled cut
and came on your back.

228
00:10:58.090 --> 00:10:59.364
A couple squeaks get by...

229
00:10:59.525 --> 00:11:01.471
...but is that all it takes?
- Yes.

230
00:11:01.627 --> 00:11:04.369
That's all. No wonder
you flunked out of med school.

231
00:11:04.530 --> 00:11:07.067
I didn't flunk cut cf med school.
I failed a drug test.

232
00:11:07.300 --> 00:11:08.370
How do I even know...

233
00:11:08.534 --> 00:11:09.638
...that the baby's mine?

234
00:11:09.835 --> 00:11:12.145
I haven't slept with anyone
since we broke up.

235
00:11:12.471 --> 00:11:13.848
Nice.

236
00:11:14.507 --> 00:11:16.009
What do you want to do about it?

237
00:11:16.175 --> 00:11:17.347
All right, um ...

238
00:11:18.911 --> 00:11:19.685
[CHUCKLING]

239
00:11:26.118 --> 00:11:28.257
This is the part
where the kid's tongue...

240
00:11:28.421 --> 00:11:29.729
...gets stuck to a pale. Ha, ha.

241
00:11:30.523 --> 00:11:32.196
Oh. Ha, ha. I'm sorry.

242
00:11:32.358 --> 00:11:36.636
Um, are we having a conversation right now,
or are you watching A Christmas Story?

243
00:11:36.796 --> 00:11:38.400
Bath. No.

244
00:11:38.564 --> 00:11:40.942
- I mean--
- You know what? I knew you...

245
00:11:41.100 --> 00:11:42.909
...couldn't handle this.
- I'm sorry.

246
00:11:43.069 --> 00:11:44.173
I'm really high.

247
00:11:44.337 --> 00:11:47.580
This is not about you being high.
This is about you being immature.

248
00:11:47.740 --> 00:11:49.913
It's why I couldn't stay here any more.

249
00:11:50.109 --> 00:11:52.214
You are perfectly fine
creating a mess...

250
00:11:52.745 --> 00:11:54.691
...but when it comes
to cleaning one up...

251
00:11:54.847 --> 00:11:56.326
...you're MIA.

252
00:11:56.482 --> 00:11:57.586
Give me a half hour...

253
00:11:57.750 --> 00:11:58.820
...to saber up.

254
00:11:59.185 --> 00:12:00.493
Fuck.

255
00:12:02.888 --> 00:12:04.424
[CHATTERING]

256
00:12:06.892 --> 00:12:08.371
Dad, you good?
You need a drink or--? No? Okay.

257
00:12:08.527 --> 00:12:09.528
[M R. PEREZ GROWLS]

258
00:12:12.198 --> 00:12:14.508
- Maria. I love you.
- Ha, ha.

259
00:12:14.767 --> 00:12:15.905
Glad your family's here.

260
00:12:16.068 --> 00:12:17.138
I'm just wondering...

261
00:12:17.303 --> 00:12:21.115
...how we're gonna deal with the Christmas
party with all these extra guests.

262
00:12:21.273 --> 00:12:23.275
We'll make it work.
We have plenty cf room.

263
00:12:23.642 --> 00:12:24.985
Okay.

264
00:12:25.144 --> 00:12:25.986
I'm sorry.

265
00:12:26.145 --> 00:12:27.624
I left my wallet upstairs. Thank you.

266
00:12:27.780 --> 00:12:28.986
[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

267
00:12:29.148 --> 00:12:30.218
Harold.

268
00:12:30.383 --> 00:12:32.158
Hey, speaking cf guests...

269
00:12:32.318 --> 00:12:34.525
...are you sure you don't
wanna invite Kumar?

270
00:12:34.954 --> 00:12:38.333
Kumar? You kidding me?
I haven't seen that guy in years.

271
00:12:38.491 --> 00:12:39.333
MARIA:
Kumar has been...

272
00:12:39.492 --> 00:12:42.336
...your friend for a lang time.
- It is perfectly normal.

273
00:12:42.495 --> 00:12:45.237
People lose half their friends
every seven years.

274
00:12:45.398 --> 00:12:47.105
It's not like I don't have friends.

275
00:12:47.266 --> 00:12:49.906
- Todd? Yeah, he's a Int cf fun.
- At least he doesn't...

276
00:12:50.069 --> 00:12:52.208
...create a disaster everywhere he goes.

277
00:12:52.371 --> 00:12:53.941
[IN SPANISH]

278
00:12:54.106 --> 00:12:55.107
Ah, okay.

279
00:12:55.574 --> 00:12:57.815
[IN SPANISH]

280
00:12:57.977 --> 00:12:59.081
[ALL GASP]

281
00:13:01.580 --> 00:13:03.184
Rosetta Stone.

282
00:13:03.883 --> 00:13:05.328
A lifesaver.

283
00:13:13.259 --> 00:13:14.602
[KNOCK ON DOOR]

284
00:13:16.061 --> 00:13:16.766
KUMAR:
Be right there!

285
00:13:26.272 --> 00:13:29.116
Harold? He hasn't lived here in so long.

286
00:13:32.711 --> 00:13:33.917
[GRUNTS]

287
00:13:34.079 --> 00:13:35.524
Maybe we can--

288
00:13:36.449 --> 00:13:37.655
Are you sure we have to...

289
00:13:37.817 --> 00:13:39.819
...throw it cut?
- This tree is a cancer.

290
00:13:39.985 --> 00:13:42.363
We have to get rid cf it
before it kills Christmas.

291
00:13:42.621 --> 00:13:43.998
Very intense wording.

292
00:13:44.356 --> 00:13:46.358
[WHISTLES THEN SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

293
00:13:49.962 --> 00:13:52.169
MARIA:
Wow! Oh, my God.

294
00:13:52.331 --> 00:13:54.470
I can't believe you brought the tree.
Ha-ha-ha.

295
00:13:55.000 --> 00:13:56.741
Am I missing something?

296
00:13:56.902 --> 00:13:59.075
Every Christmas we use a tree
that Dad grew.

297
00:13:59.238 --> 00:14:01.149
- Oh.
MR. PEREZ: Twelve-fact Fraser fir.

298
00:14:01.941 --> 00:14:03.545
Lock at the branch distribution.

299
00:14:03.709 --> 00:14:04.380
Oh, I see.

300
00:14:04.543 --> 00:14:05.647
Hey, hey!

301
00:14:06.479 --> 00:14:07.617
She's very delicate.

302
00:14:07.780 --> 00:14:10.056
I've been growing her for eight years.

303
00:14:10.249 --> 00:14:14.322
Eight years, wow. I never knew
Christmas trees were such a big deal.

304
00:14:15.688 --> 00:14:16.723
Oh, God.

305
00:14:16.889 --> 00:14:18.163
Not a big deal?

306
00:14:18.324 --> 00:14:20.497
Let me tell you a story, Harold.

307
00:14:20.659 --> 00:14:22.332
Growing up in Medellin...

308
00:14:22.495 --> 00:14:25.965
...my family was too poor
to celebrate Christmas properly.

309
00:14:26.131 --> 00:14:28.634
Every year I would pray to God:

310
00:14:28.801 --> 00:14:33.250
"Please, let me wake up and find a big,
beautiful Christmas tree."

311
00:14:33.405 --> 00:14:34.884
And every Christmas...

312
00:14:35.841 --> 00:14:37.343
...I was heartbroken.

313
00:14:37.510 --> 00:14:40.548
When my mother finally
moved me to America...

314
00:14:40.713 --> 00:14:42.522
...she promised me we would have...

315
00:14:42.882 --> 00:14:46.420
...a Christmas tree every Christmas
from then on.

316
00:14:46.585 --> 00:14:50.761
But one week before that first Christmas,
while walking home from work...

317
00:14:50.923 --> 00:14:52.766
...she was violently attacked...

318
00:14:52.925 --> 00:14:54.927
...by a gang cf Korean punks.

319
00:14:58.697 --> 00:14:59.698
[GRUNTS]

320
00:15:06.238 --> 00:15:09.515
They stabbed her multiple times.
She bled to death.

321
00:15:09.675 --> 00:15:10.779
So I guess...

322
00:15:10.943 --> 00:15:14.618
...you could say, yes,
a Christmas tree is a big deal.

323
00:15:14.813 --> 00:15:15.951
Oh, my God.

324
00:15:17.917 --> 00:15:19.863
-[WHISPERS] Why didn't you tell me?
-[MOUTHS] Pm sorry.

325
00:15:20.452 --> 00:15:22.227
Pepe! Where are the ornaments?

326
00:15:22.388 --> 00:15:22.991
I don't know.

327
00:15:23.155 --> 00:15:24.429
My eyes are all fucked up.

328
00:15:24.590 --> 00:15:27.628
You can't celebrate Christmas
with a naked tree! it's indecent!

329
00:15:27.826 --> 00:15:29.669
Maria, forget about midnight Mass.

330
00:15:29.828 --> 00:15:31.705
Tonight, we're decorating the tree.

331
00:15:31.864 --> 00:15:34.242
Oh, Daddy, I wanted
to spend tonight in the city...

332
00:15:34.400 --> 00:15:35.606
...with you guys.

333
00:15:35.768 --> 00:15:36.906
Wait.

334
00:15:37.836 --> 00:15:39.213
I get this.

335
00:15:40.039 --> 00:15:43.486
I'll take care cf the tree.
You have a family night in Manhattan.

336
00:15:43.876 --> 00:15:45.446
No. No, no, no.

337
00:15:45.611 --> 00:15:47.454
We brought the tree all the way dawn.

338
00:15:47.613 --> 00:15:49.718
It has to lack perfect
on Christmas morning.

339
00:15:49.882 --> 00:15:54.388
Carlos, it will. Tell me exactly what
you want and I'll take care cf it.

340
00:15:54.553 --> 00:15:56.829
When you came back,
the tree will be decorated.

341
00:15:56.989 --> 00:16:00.300
This house, I promise you,
is gonna be perfect.

342
00:16:01.126 --> 00:16:02.696
[MARIA CHUCKLES]

343
00:16:09.568 --> 00:16:12.879
ADRIAN: Oh, B-T-dub, the girl tonight?
Her name is Mary.

344
00:16:13.038 --> 00:16:15.143
As in the Virgin Mary.
How great is that?

345
00:16:15.307 --> 00:16:16.877
What did Vanessa do to suck...

346
00:16:17.042 --> 00:16:18.487
...the life cut cf you...

347
00:16:18.644 --> 00:16:19.622
...this afternoon?

348
00:16:20.079 --> 00:16:23.856
I don't have anyone else to confide in.
I might as well tell you. Uh ...

349
00:16:24.617 --> 00:16:25.527
Vanessa's pregnan--

350
00:16:25.684 --> 00:16:26.492
A queefer.

351
00:16:26.652 --> 00:16:28.563
- What?
- I knew it.

352
00:16:28.721 --> 00:16:32.225
I used to date this black chick,
she used to queef every time we had sex.

353
00:16:32.391 --> 00:16:35.372
It was ridiculous.
I used to call her Queen Laqueefa.

354
00:16:36.729 --> 00:16:38.174
When was the last time
you saw this guy?

355
00:16:38.430 --> 00:16:40.239
- Two years ago.
- Sc...

356
00:16:40.399 --> 00:16:43.676
...why are we dropping off this package?
You said this guy was a chode.

357
00:16:43.869 --> 00:16:46.850
He is, all right? I just--
I don't want his shit in my place.

358
00:16:50.576 --> 00:16:52.112
KUMAR:
Sure this is the right address?

359
00:16:52.277 --> 00:16:56.282
Whoa. Locks like your ex-boyf's
moving up in the world. Heh.

360
00:16:56.949 --> 00:16:58.257
I guess.

361
00:16:58.417 --> 00:17:01.091
I'll be right back.
I'm just gonna drop this off.

362
00:17:19.304 --> 00:17:20.214
[GRUNTS THEN GROANING]

363
00:17:21.507 --> 00:17:22.713
Fuck!

364
00:17:28.313 --> 00:17:29.621
Kumar?

365
00:17:31.417 --> 00:17:32.828
Hello, Harold.

366
00:17:34.486 --> 00:17:36.159
- Hey.
- Hey.

367
00:17:36.321 --> 00:17:38.301
- Hey.
- I was--

368
00:17:38.457 --> 00:17:40.698
- How are you? Good to see you.
-oh, hey.

369
00:17:41.126 --> 00:17:43.128
- How you doing?
- Good to see you too. Good.

370
00:17:43.295 --> 00:17:47.641
You got a package that came for you
at the apartment. So I was dropping it off.

371
00:17:48.333 --> 00:17:50.142
Oh. Okay, cool.

372
00:17:51.003 --> 00:17:52.744
You lack terrific. You lose weight?

373
00:17:52.905 --> 00:17:56.443
No. Gained. Quite a bit, actually.
This is a really nice house.

374
00:17:58.043 --> 00:17:59.579
No. You know.

375
00:18:00.813 --> 00:18:03.384
Dc you want to came in for a drink...

376
00:18:03.549 --> 00:18:04.721
...or something?

377
00:18:04.883 --> 00:18:05.987
Um ...

378
00:18:07.252 --> 00:18:09.562
[ON RADIO]
Christmas, Christmas

379
00:18:09.755 --> 00:18:10.756
Dc you not have time?

380
00:18:10.923 --> 00:18:11.924
- Oh.
- Oh.

381
00:18:13.826 --> 00:18:16.500
- Came in, came in. Come in. Come on.
- Sure.

382
00:18:17.396 --> 00:18:19.171
Watch your step, it's icy there.

383
00:18:21.033 --> 00:18:22.774
Eggnog? Empanadas?

384
00:18:22.935 --> 00:18:25.472
Uh ... Sure. Yeah.

385
00:18:25.671 --> 00:18:28.675
Hey, this place is, like, not shitty.

386
00:18:28.841 --> 00:18:30.878
Oh. Thank you. Yeah.

387
00:18:31.043 --> 00:18:35.253
Bay window is brand-new, actually.
We just put that in last week.

388
00:18:35.414 --> 00:18:37.917
The sconces are new.
Sconces are actually brand-new.

389
00:18:38.283 --> 00:18:43.426
Yeah, I was gonna say, it lacks like
you guys get some awesome sconces.

390
00:18:43.989 --> 00:18:45.730
Thank you. That's very sweet cf you.

391
00:18:45.891 --> 00:18:48.201
So, what's up with this package?

392
00:18:48.994 --> 00:18:51.474
HAROLD:
My name and your address. That's weird.

393
00:18:51.630 --> 00:18:53.303
I haven't lived there for so long.

394
00:18:53.499 --> 00:18:55.035
I know. That's strange.

395
00:18:56.802 --> 00:18:58.008
HAROLD:
Whoa.

396
00:19:02.908 --> 00:19:03.818
Ooh.

397
00:19:05.878 --> 00:19:06.913
HAROLD:
What the hell is this?

398
00:19:07.079 --> 00:19:09.116
That's a gigantic joint.
What do you think?

399
00:19:09.715 --> 00:19:10.523
HAROLD:
IS this a joke?

400
00:19:11.116 --> 00:19:12.754
- No. I swear.
- Did you do this?

401
00:19:12.918 --> 00:19:14.795
Had I known, I would have smoked it.

402
00:19:15.287 --> 00:19:16.595
Is there a--?

403
00:19:17.422 --> 00:19:18.298
No return address.

404
00:19:18.457 --> 00:19:21.631
I don't even see any stamps on this.

405
00:19:22.227 --> 00:19:23.467
What are you doing?

406
00:19:23.629 --> 00:19:24.403
Getting not low.

407
00:19:24.563 --> 00:19:25.940
No smoking in this house.

408
00:19:26.098 --> 00:19:28.339
What? What douche came up
with that rule?

409
00:19:28.801 --> 00:19:30.303
HAROLD:
This douche did.

410
00:19:37.810 --> 00:19:38.914
That was good shit.

411
00:19:39.144 --> 00:19:40.817
HAROLD:
I don't care, okay?

412
00:19:40.979 --> 00:19:42.185
I don't smoke any more.

413
00:19:42.347 --> 00:19:43.826
- What?
- I just felt...

414
00:19:43.982 --> 00:19:45.893
...that a Int cf times when I get high...

415
00:19:46.051 --> 00:19:48.190
...things would go really wrong. Sc...

416
00:19:48.353 --> 00:19:51.357
But, Harold, weed is so good.

417
00:19:51.557 --> 00:19:52.831
It gets you high.

418
00:19:52.991 --> 00:19:54.561
I get nothing against weed, okay?

419
00:19:54.726 --> 00:19:57.332
Had plenty of fun times with weed.
But I'm an adult now.

420
00:19:57.496 --> 00:20:00.477
And frankly, I'm kind cf glad that
the craziness is behind me.

421
00:20:00.632 --> 00:20:02.703
Dc you smell something burning?

422
00:20:04.102 --> 00:20:05.137
BOTH:
Oh, Shit!

423
00:20:05.370 --> 00:20:06.872
KUMAR: Oh, Shit.
- Shit.

424
00:20:07.105 --> 00:20:08.311
Shit!

425
00:20:09.174 --> 00:20:10.653
It's spreading. it's spreading!

426
00:20:10.809 --> 00:20:12.117
Here.

427
00:20:12.277 --> 00:20:14.279
Bah, bah, bah!
Not the throw pillows!

428
00:20:14.446 --> 00:20:15.584
Seriously?

429
00:20:18.217 --> 00:20:19.719
I did it anyway!

430
00:20:19.885 --> 00:20:21.159
HAROLD:
What the fuck?!

431
00:20:27.292 --> 00:20:28.066
Shit!

432
00:20:28.227 --> 00:20:29.399
HAROLD:
Maria's dad will kill me!

433
00:20:29.561 --> 00:20:30.369
Stop yelling!

434
00:20:30.529 --> 00:20:32.475
We gotta get rid cf this tree!

435
00:20:33.165 --> 00:20:34.200
Okay.

436
00:20:46.578 --> 00:20:49.422
That's why you gotta buy those
faux trees. They last forever.

437
00:20:49.581 --> 00:20:51.254
[PANTING]

438
00:20:52.017 --> 00:20:53.758
Calm dawn.
It's just a Christmas tree.

439
00:20:53.919 --> 00:20:55.023
"Just a Christmas tree"?

440
00:20:55.387 --> 00:20:57.389
Maria's dad grew that tree...

441
00:20:57.556 --> 00:20:59.001
...and new it is dead.

442
00:20:59.157 --> 00:21:02.468
Koreans have killed his mother,
and new this tree. Christmas is ruined.

443
00:21:02.628 --> 00:21:03.868
Christmas isn't ruined.

444
00:21:04.029 --> 00:21:05.906
Yes, it is. You have ruined Christmas.

445
00:21:06.064 --> 00:21:08.635
They're gonna came home from Mass
and expect to see...

446
00:21:08.800 --> 00:21:11.337
...a decorated tree,
but they are gonna see that.

447
00:21:11.837 --> 00:21:14.408
Dude, you're overreacting.
There's plenty cf tree lots.

448
00:21:14.573 --> 00:21:16.951
We'll drive around
till we find the right tree.

449
00:21:17.142 --> 00:21:18.450
We're not gonna do anything.

450
00:21:19.845 --> 00:21:22.416
You know what? Um, this is my fault.

451
00:21:22.581 --> 00:21:24.822
I take full responsibility.
Please leave.

452
00:21:24.983 --> 00:21:27.122
I will take care cf this. Thank you.

453
00:21:27.286 --> 00:21:29.163
- I don't mind helping cut--
- I get it.

454
00:21:29.688 --> 00:21:30.928
- We have a van--
- I get it.

455
00:21:33.525 --> 00:21:34.697
Okay. You get it.

456
00:21:34.860 --> 00:21:37.306
- You need anything, just give me--
- Merry Christmas.

457
00:21:40.933 --> 00:21:42.071
Merry Christmas, Harold.

458
00:21:46.538 --> 00:21:47.846
What the fuck tack so long?

459
00:21:48.006 --> 00:21:49.542
Nothing. Let's just go.

460
00:21:49.708 --> 00:21:53.212
You never told me Harold was Asian.
I always pictured an old white guy.

461
00:21:59.117 --> 00:22:01.893
TODD: Freeze! This is a robbery.
Give me all your friendship.

462
00:22:02.054 --> 00:22:03.499
Oh, wow, lack at that.

463
00:22:03.689 --> 00:22:05.794
You know, it's kind cf better
than a window.

464
00:22:05.958 --> 00:22:07.960
It's like a stained-glass
window cf paper.

465
00:22:08.126 --> 00:22:09.298
Any luck with the tree?

466
00:22:09.461 --> 00:22:11.737
- Oh, you brought Ava.
- Uh, yeah, sorry. I have Ava.

467
00:22:11.897 --> 00:22:13.604
Il's "3D."

468
00:22:13.765 --> 00:22:14.300
Hmm?

469
00:22:14.466 --> 00:22:15.467
Daddy-Daughter Day.

470
00:22:15.634 --> 00:22:17.636
You can't back cut
cf Daddy-Daughter Day...

471
00:22:17.803 --> 00:22:20.409
...because Emma says that
leads to abandonment issues...

472
00:22:20.572 --> 00:22:23.075
...and then stripping and meth
and biker boyfriend.

473
00:22:23.241 --> 00:22:24.413
- All had things.
- Ah.

474
00:22:24.576 --> 00:22:26.647
- The tree, though.
- Yes, so I called--

475
00:22:26.812 --> 00:22:27.654
[BABY CRYING]

476
00:22:27.813 --> 00:22:29.724
Oh, here it goes. Here it goes.

477
00:22:30.382 --> 00:22:32.225
[SINGING]
The itsy bitsy spider

478
00:22:32.384 --> 00:22:33.590
Crawled up the water spout

479
00:22:33.752 --> 00:22:35.163
They say that singing is...

480
00:22:35.320 --> 00:22:37.425
...the best way to communicate
with a child.

481
00:22:37.589 --> 00:22:38.897
I guess I haven't found...

482
00:22:39.057 --> 00:22:40.593
...the right song for her yet.

483
00:22:40.759 --> 00:22:42.636
that's too bad. Uh, the tree?

484
00:22:42.794 --> 00:22:44.865
The tree. Right. Sc I called them.

485
00:22:45.030 --> 00:22:46.441
They had one 12-fact fir left.

486
00:22:47.366 --> 00:22:48.936
- And I reserved it.
- You get it?

487
00:22:49.101 --> 00:22:51.945
- Yeah.
- Yes! You should have led off with that.

488
00:22:52.104 --> 00:22:53.811
I know. I don't know why I didn't.

489
00:22:53.972 --> 00:22:55.781
- Okay, good. Let's go.
-Whoo!

490
00:22:55.941 --> 00:22:56.885
You know.

491
00:22:57.042 --> 00:22:58.282
Okay. Next time.

492
00:23:03.482 --> 00:23:04.688
Now, before this party...

493
00:23:04.850 --> 00:23:07.490
...we get to talk about your game.
- Aw, dude, turn in there!

494
00:23:08.020 --> 00:23:09.658
Really? A tree farm?

495
00:23:14.226 --> 00:23:15.136
"Best selection"...

496
00:23:15.293 --> 00:23:15.964
...my ass.

497
00:23:16.128 --> 00:23:18.335
It's Christmas Eve, okay?
What do you expect?

498
00:23:18.497 --> 00:23:19.703
KUMAR:
If I was a tree farmer...

499
00:23:19.865 --> 00:23:22.573
...I'd be embarrassed.
These trees are ghetto.

500
00:23:22.734 --> 00:23:23.872
What the fuck that mean?

501
00:23:24.269 --> 00:23:25.304
[LATRELL CHUCKLES]

502
00:23:25.470 --> 00:23:27.916
He's just playing.
How you doing? I'm Latrell.

503
00:23:28.340 --> 00:23:29.648
Hello. Kumar.

504
00:23:29.808 --> 00:23:31.446
This is my partner in crime, Lamar.

505
00:23:31.610 --> 00:23:33.419
- So you two own this tree lot?
LAMAR: What?

506
00:23:33.578 --> 00:23:37.253
A couple of brothers can't sell trees?
Only swing from them like monkeys?

507
00:23:37.416 --> 00:23:40.761
What? No! Of course not.
You could do both.

508
00:23:40.919 --> 00:23:42.421
- What?
- What?

509
00:23:42.587 --> 00:23:44.589
My boy here gets cagey
during the holidays.

510
00:23:44.756 --> 00:23:46.702
- You know?
- Word. Word.

511
00:23:47.325 --> 00:23:50.363
If you're looking for trees,
you should know we do custom work.

512
00:23:50.529 --> 00:23:53.442
- Ooh. How much is that?
LATRELL: That tree? Sorry.

513
00:23:53.598 --> 00:23:54.906
Just get reserved.

514
00:23:55.067 --> 00:23:56.910
I really need it. I'll pay double.

515
00:23:57.069 --> 00:23:58.446
LAMAR:
Oh, I got you now.

516
00:23:58.603 --> 00:24:01.015
You think you can buy
the black man's soul.

517
00:24:01.173 --> 00:24:03.210
Like we some Wayne Brady-ass
niggers, right?

518
00:24:03.542 --> 00:24:04.213
Triple.

519
00:24:04.576 --> 00:24:05.919
I'll get the rape.

520
00:24:06.078 --> 00:24:10.527
Eh, can we drop this tree off at Sulu's
and head to the city?

521
00:24:10.682 --> 00:24:13.026
KUMAR:
Just hold on a second, all right?

522
00:24:13.185 --> 00:24:14.459
I see what you're doing.

523
00:24:14.619 --> 00:24:15.927
Forget about her.

524
00:24:16.088 --> 00:24:17.396
- Think about me.
- All right.

525
00:24:17.556 --> 00:24:21.026
Hold on. We'll drop the tree off
and then we'll go get you your virgin.

526
00:24:21.526 --> 00:24:22.630
Yeah.

527
00:24:25.630 --> 00:24:26.938
We get another customer.

528
00:24:28.500 --> 00:24:30.411
Can I play angry black guy this time?

529
00:24:30.569 --> 00:24:32.276
Aw, came on. You just played it.

530
00:24:32.437 --> 00:24:33.780
And I get triple the money.

531
00:24:33.939 --> 00:24:35.816
Come on, please? Come on!

532
00:24:35.974 --> 00:24:36.975
TODD [SINGING]:
Three French hens

533
00:24:37.142 --> 00:24:38.246
HAROLD:
Would you stop?

534
00:24:38.410 --> 00:24:39.388
TODD:
I wish I could stop

535
00:24:39.544 --> 00:24:40.784
Sorry, I'm trying my best

536
00:24:40.946 --> 00:24:42.050
Hi. You guys in charge?

537
00:24:43.348 --> 00:24:47.091
Yeah. What the fuck is it to you,
motherfucker?

538
00:24:47.252 --> 00:24:48.424
Gat's coming out

539
00:24:48.587 --> 00:24:49.964
That was so good. Ha, ha.

540
00:24:50.122 --> 00:24:52.500
We're just here to pick up a tree
that we reserved.

541
00:24:52.657 --> 00:24:53.795
- We called.
LATRELL: Oh, yeah?

542
00:24:53.959 --> 00:24:56.565
We just sold your little
punk-ass tree, bitch!

543
00:24:56.728 --> 00:24:57.672
HAROLD:
What? You sold it?

544
00:24:57.829 --> 00:24:58.432
Tc who?

545
00:24:58.597 --> 00:25:00.406
Those white bays over there.

546
00:25:02.801 --> 00:25:03.905
Fuck!

547
00:25:04.069 --> 00:25:04.809
Hey.

548
00:25:05.036 --> 00:25:06.310
TODD:
Aah! Where are we going?

549
00:25:06.738 --> 00:25:09.514
HAROLD: Maybe if we catch up to them,
they'll sell the tree to us.

550
00:25:09.674 --> 00:25:10.516
TODD:
Good idea!

551
00:25:12.577 --> 00:25:13.180
LATRELL:
I'm sorry.

552
00:25:13.345 --> 00:25:15.325
- You Inst your gangsta grill.
- I know.

553
00:25:15.480 --> 00:25:17.790
- How you gonna be a gangsta?
- I'm not one.

554
00:25:17.949 --> 00:25:20.759
- I gotta wear those tomorrow.
- I know.

555
00:25:21.052 --> 00:25:23.259
- You know I love you, right?
- I think you do.

556
00:25:23.421 --> 00:25:25.662
- I don't know why, but I love you.
- Thank you.

557
00:25:25.824 --> 00:25:28.202
TODD:
Oh-ho-ho. Okay. Slow it down...

558
00:25:28.360 --> 00:25:30.237
...because we get precious cargo...

559
00:25:30.395 --> 00:25:32.375
...and it is very icy cut there.

560
00:25:32.531 --> 00:25:35.478
- What? I don't see any ice.
- You've never heard cf black ice?

561
00:25:35.634 --> 00:25:38.672
It's like the worst ice there is.
Black ice, it's everywhere.

562
00:25:38.837 --> 00:25:40.976
Relax. I can feel the road.
It's not that bad.

563
00:25:42.674 --> 00:25:43.846
Yo, slow down, man.

564
00:25:44.009 --> 00:25:47.115
- You're going a little fast.
- I gotta get to this party ASAP.

565
00:25:47.279 --> 00:25:49.691
Pussy's not like yogurt.
It has an expiration date.

566
00:25:49.848 --> 00:25:51.452
Yogurt has an expiration date.

567
00:25:51.616 --> 00:25:54.460
Does it? Damn it. Okay.
That explains a lot.

568
00:25:54.619 --> 00:25:56.292
It was really sour.

569
00:25:56.454 --> 00:25:58.491
But yogurt is sour,
so haw was I to know?

570
00:25:59.124 --> 00:26:00.967
Are you really hat? I'm, like, hot...

571
00:26:01.126 --> 00:26:02.366
...but I'm cold-- Hello?

572
00:26:02.527 --> 00:26:03.870
You're not lacking at me.

573
00:26:04.029 --> 00:26:06.100
I should lack at the road
and you lack at me.

574
00:26:06.264 --> 00:26:07.436
-It's opposite.
- Watch cut!

575
00:26:07.699 --> 00:26:08.734
ADRIAN:
Ow, cw.

576
00:26:08.900 --> 00:26:09.742
[BOTH SCREAMING]

577
00:26:11.570 --> 00:26:12.514
Holy shit!

578
00:26:12.671 --> 00:26:13.308
TODD:
Black ice!

579
00:26:13.471 --> 00:26:14.541
Black ice! it's real!

580
00:26:15.006 --> 00:26:16.314
ADRIAN:
oh, sum

581
00:26:16.508 --> 00:26:17.953
Oh, my God!

582
00:26:18.743 --> 00:26:19.744
Don't just scream!

583
00:26:19.945 --> 00:26:21.049
You're just screaming!

584
00:26:21.213 --> 00:26:22.157
That's not helpful!

585
00:26:24.149 --> 00:26:25.059
Oh, sum

586
00:26:34.159 --> 00:26:35.069
Holy shit!

587
00:26:35.227 --> 00:26:36.205
Oh, Harry, stop!

588
00:26:36.928 --> 00:26:39.841
ADRIAN:
Aw ... Glass is sharp. Glass is sharp.

589
00:26:43.868 --> 00:26:44.869
Oh, my ass.

590
00:26:45.036 --> 00:26:49.007
I am so going to tweet about that.
Heh-heh-heh.

591
00:26:49.174 --> 00:26:51.211
You guys all right?
How are you alive?

592
00:26:51.776 --> 00:26:52.550
Harold?

593
00:26:52.978 --> 00:26:54.013
Kumar?

594
00:26:54.279 --> 00:26:56.623
That was you at the tree farm?
You tack my tree?

595
00:26:57.482 --> 00:26:59.689
- Sc you killed two trees in one night.
KUMAR: Hold on.

596
00:26:59.851 --> 00:27:01.762
That is a perfectly salvageable tree.

597
00:27:02.587 --> 00:27:03.691
[YELLS]

598
00:27:04.889 --> 00:27:07.199
That was a perfectly salvageable tree.

599
00:27:07.359 --> 00:27:11.398
That was the only 12-fact Fraser fir
left in the fucking state.

600
00:27:11.563 --> 00:27:12.303
Fuck your tree!

601
00:27:12.464 --> 00:27:13.534
What about my car?

602
00:27:13.698 --> 00:27:14.904
I get a virgin to fuck!

603
00:27:15.066 --> 00:27:16.511
Who is this? Who is Glasses?

604
00:27:16.668 --> 00:27:18.579
Heh. Nice, Harry.

605
00:27:19.137 --> 00:27:21.378
- This is my friend, Adrian.
HAROLD: Oh.

606
00:27:21.773 --> 00:27:22.774
He's young.

607
00:27:22.941 --> 00:27:24.477
- Thank you.
- Don't respond to him.

608
00:27:24.643 --> 00:27:26.122
TODD:
Why the H...

609
00:27:26.278 --> 00:27:27.882
...did you F-wads...

610
00:27:28.046 --> 00:27:32.085
...take the tree that we had
specifically called and reserved?

611
00:27:32.250 --> 00:27:33.422
Who is this toolbox?

612
00:27:33.585 --> 00:27:35.565
This is my friend, Todd.

613
00:27:35.720 --> 00:27:37.757
Oh, yeah? What kind cf friend?
Best friend?

614
00:27:37.922 --> 00:27:41.062
- I wouldn't say best" Yes.
- Yeah. Yep. Besties.

615
00:27:41.826 --> 00:27:42.896
That's awesome.

616
00:27:43.061 --> 00:27:44.165
Buddy.

617
00:27:44.329 --> 00:27:45.535
Homey.

618
00:27:46.097 --> 00:27:47.337
This was fun. But I got...

619
00:27:47.499 --> 00:27:48.910
...a hat date in the city.

620
00:27:49.067 --> 00:27:50.239
You have to take me.

621
00:27:50.402 --> 00:27:51.403
What? No.

622
00:27:51.569 --> 00:27:54.516
- We're not taking you anywhere.
- Not going through any tunnels.

623
00:27:54.673 --> 00:27:57.313
Dude, you are not depriving me cf this:

624
00:27:57.475 --> 00:28:00.752
Hey, Adrian.
I can't wait to finally meet you.

625
00:28:00.912 --> 00:28:03.483
I'm going to rock your world.

626
00:28:04.549 --> 00:28:05.323
I promise...

627
00:28:05.483 --> 00:28:07.053
...it will be worth the wait.

628
00:28:10.121 --> 00:28:11.429
Wait, lack at this fir.

629
00:28:11.589 --> 00:28:13.500
I'm pretty sure she's completely shaved.

630
00:28:13.658 --> 00:28:14.932
Shut up. The tree.

631
00:28:15.093 --> 00:28:16.538
It's like Maria's dad's tree.

632
00:28:16.695 --> 00:28:18.936
-It's magnificent.
ADRIAN: I'll make you a deal.

633
00:28:19.097 --> 00:28:21.202
Take me to the party,
I get you that tree.

634
00:28:21.366 --> 00:28:22.811
No. it's already very late.

635
00:28:22.967 --> 00:28:24.207
Shut the fuck up, Todd!

636
00:28:24.369 --> 00:28:25.814
This doesn't concern you!

637
00:28:25.970 --> 00:28:27.972
- Easy.
- He can not-- He is not allow--

638
00:28:28.139 --> 00:28:29.846
HAROLD:
Hey. Calm dawn. Calm dawn.

639
00:28:30.008 --> 00:28:32.989
I'm running cut cf time.
I gotta be back with a tree by 2 a.m.

640
00:28:33.144 --> 00:28:35.055
Work with me. Listen.

641
00:28:35.213 --> 00:28:36.521
I'm not driving for nothing.

642
00:28:36.681 --> 00:28:38.786
Make sure we can get the tree,
you get a deal.

643
00:28:38.950 --> 00:28:39.621
Done.

644
00:28:40.785 --> 00:28:41.525
Hey, douche?

645
00:28:41.686 --> 00:28:42.255
Yeah?

646
00:28:42.420 --> 00:28:42.955
Shotgun.

647
00:28:43.121 --> 00:28:43.861
Oh.

648
00:28:44.155 --> 00:28:45.327
Scr--

649
00:28:45.490 --> 00:28:46.969
S you. S you.

650
00:28:49.327 --> 00:28:50.328
--Sn?

651
00:28:50.495 --> 00:28:51.997
-"S you"?
-"Screw you. "

652
00:28:52.163 --> 00:28:53.608
- Oh, right.
TODD: Screw you!

653
00:28:55.600 --> 00:28:57.807
"Harry"? Gotta be kidding me.

654
00:28:59.871 --> 00:29:00.781
The tree is removable?

655
00:29:00.939 --> 00:29:02.885
OPERATOR:
Your call cannot be completed as dialed.

656
00:29:03.041 --> 00:29:05.783
- Great. Okay, great. Bye. We're good.
- Pf ease hang up--

657
00:29:05.944 --> 00:29:06.922
We can have the tree?

658
00:29:07.078 --> 00:29:08.079
She said it?

659
00:29:08.246 --> 00:29:09.350
She said that, yes.

660
00:29:09.714 --> 00:29:11.716
- Great. Let's go.
- Okay.

661
00:29:13.985 --> 00:29:17.057
What is he doing? What is he doing?

662
00:29:17.722 --> 00:29:18.632
What are you doing?

663
00:29:19.124 --> 00:29:19.898
What?

664
00:29:20.058 --> 00:29:21.332
My daughters in there!

665
00:29:21.493 --> 00:29:22.062
What?

666
00:29:22.227 --> 00:29:24.537
- Oh, shit!
HAROLD: What the fuck, Kumar?

667
00:29:24.696 --> 00:29:25.731
I didn't see her.

668
00:29:25.897 --> 00:29:27.103
You get my baby high!

669
00:29:27.265 --> 00:29:29.074
HAROLD:
You get his baby high.

670
00:29:29.234 --> 00:29:30.406
Hold on a second.

671
00:29:30.568 --> 00:29:34.038
Nobody gets high the first time they
smoke weed. Don't you know anything?

672
00:29:34.205 --> 00:29:35.411
[GIGGLING]

673
00:29:35.740 --> 00:29:36.912
TODD:
Okay, great.

674
00:29:37.075 --> 00:29:38.952
Now she has the giggles.

675
00:29:39.244 --> 00:29:40.985
- Sorry.
TODD: If Emma finds cut...

676
00:29:41.146 --> 00:29:42.181
...we won't be able...

677
00:29:42.347 --> 00:29:43.587
...to came to the party.

678
00:29:43.915 --> 00:29:44.655
What party?

679
00:29:45.216 --> 00:29:46.593
Oh, it's just a work...

680
00:29:46.751 --> 00:29:47.729
...Christmas party...

681
00:29:47.886 --> 00:29:49.092
...kind cf thing.

682
00:29:49.254 --> 00:29:49.857
Right, Todd?

683
00:29:50.021 --> 00:29:51.500
Yeah. it's gonna be...

684
00:29:51.656 --> 00:29:52.691
...classic.

685
00:29:52.857 --> 00:29:53.528
[YELLING]

686
00:29:53.691 --> 00:29:55.967
Okay, great. Now she's having a had trip.

687
00:29:56.161 --> 00:29:57.299
HAROLD:
Try singing again.

688
00:29:57.462 --> 00:29:58.702
It never works.

689
00:29:58.863 --> 00:30:00.399
- Hey. Hey.
HAROLD: What are you doing?

690
00:30:01.733 --> 00:30:02.404
Hey.

691
00:30:02.634 --> 00:30:04.545
[RAPPING]
If you want beef] then bring the ruckus

692
00:30:05.170 --> 00:30:06.148
Wu- Tang Clan ain't

693
00:30:06.304 --> 00:30:07.374
Nothin' to fuck with

694
00:30:07.539 --> 00:30:08.483
Straight from

695
00:30:08.640 --> 00:30:10.381
The motherfucking slums that's busted

696
00:30:10.542 --> 00:30:12.078
Wu-Tang Clan ain't nothin' to fuck with

697
00:30:12.243 --> 00:30:13.051
Ahh.

698
00:30:15.113 --> 00:30:16.820
Dude, you baby-whispered her.

699
00:30:17.248 --> 00:30:18.818
TODD:
I do not care for the language...

700
00:30:18.983 --> 00:30:20.326
...but that was impressive.

701
00:30:20.485 --> 00:30:21.623
What singing group...

702
00:30:21.786 --> 00:30:23.265
...is that?
- The Wu-Tang Clan.

703
00:30:23.421 --> 00:30:25.332
The Gu-Ga-- The Wu-Gang Band?

704
00:30:25.490 --> 00:30:27.163
Wu-Tang Clan, Todd.

705
00:30:27.325 --> 00:30:27.962
TODD:
Harry.

706
00:30:28.126 --> 00:30:30.606
When did you turn into
Mr. Rap-Hop-Expert?

707
00:30:30.762 --> 00:30:32.241
KUMAR:
There's a Int you don't know...

708
00:30:32.397 --> 00:30:33.205
...about Harry, huh?

709
00:30:33.431 --> 00:30:34.569
TODD:
Excuse me?

710
00:30:34.732 --> 00:30:36.575
- Was that directed to me?
KUMAR: Yeah, douche.

711
00:30:36.734 --> 00:30:38.145
Okay. Taken.

712
00:30:39.504 --> 00:30:41.450
I get the munchies.

713
00:30:41.606 --> 00:30:42.550
TODD:
Now we have to...

714
00:30:42.707 --> 00:30:44.983
...stop and get some
disgusting food for her.

715
00:30:45.143 --> 00:30:48.022
Sc she can came down
from her trip. Fantastic.

716
00:31:09.167 --> 00:31:12.842
Oh, by the way, if anybody asks,
I'm Robert Pattinson's acting coach.

717
00:31:13.004 --> 00:31:14.005
- What?
- What?

718
00:31:14.172 --> 00:31:17.210
It's just this lie I sort cf get caught in.

719
00:31:17.375 --> 00:31:19.855
Also, I told her you work
for the White House.

720
00:31:20.011 --> 00:31:21.615
Yeah, like anyone's gonna believe that.

721
00:31:21.779 --> 00:31:22.587
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

722
00:31:22.747 --> 00:31:23.555
[CHATTERING]

723
00:31:23.715 --> 00:31:24.853
[BIG BOI'S "DADDY FAT SAX"
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

724
00:31:26.551 --> 00:31:28.030
If is I, [he B-I-G, [he B-O-I

725
00:31:28.186 --> 00:31:30.223
TODD:
Well, I spy with my little eye...

726
00:31:30.388 --> 00:31:33.301
...three felonies that I can see
in this room right now.

727
00:31:33.458 --> 00:31:34.300
Four.

728
00:31:34.826 --> 00:31:37.534
That's it. That's cur tree. it's perfect.

729
00:31:37.829 --> 00:31:39.502
-It's better than the photograph.
- Ha, ha.

730
00:31:39.664 --> 00:31:40.665
HAROLD:
it's perfect.

731
00:31:40.832 --> 00:31:41.435
Hey, Glasses.

732
00:31:41.599 --> 00:31:44.705
- Find the girl, get the tree. Come on.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

733
00:31:46.170 --> 00:31:47.478
Yo, yo, yo!

734
00:31:47.805 --> 00:31:49.910
What it is, pimp, player...

735
00:31:50.074 --> 00:31:50.882
...etcetera?

736
00:31:51.042 --> 00:31:53.454
- What's up? Where's Mary?
TEEN: I don't know...

737
00:31:53.611 --> 00:31:56.387
...dude, but if I was you,
I would steer clear.

738
00:31:56.548 --> 00:31:58.528
Does she have a tail
or something? What?

739
00:31:58.683 --> 00:32:01.960
Don't listen to these guys.
It takes balls to do what you're doing.

740
00:32:02.120 --> 00:32:03.121
You're freaking me cut.

741
00:32:03.288 --> 00:32:04.892
- What is wrong with her?
TEENS: Ha-ha-ha.

742
00:32:05.056 --> 00:32:06.660
MARY:
Oh, my God. Adrian, is that you?

743
00:32:24.576 --> 00:32:26.180
Wow, you lack just like...

744
00:32:26.344 --> 00:32:27.379
...your profile pic.

745
00:32:27.545 --> 00:32:29.047
You lack better. Hi.

746
00:32:29.213 --> 00:32:31.557
You're hot, girl.

747
00:32:31.716 --> 00:32:32.888
Thank you.

748
00:32:33.718 --> 00:32:36.858
So do you, like, want to see my room?

749
00:32:37.021 --> 00:32:38.557
Hey, hey. What about the tree?

750
00:32:38.723 --> 00:32:39.599
I'll get it.

751
00:32:39.757 --> 00:32:42.738
Just give me a minute,
all right, man? Probably less. Heh.

752
00:32:42.894 --> 00:32:44.100
But hopefully more. Heh.

753
00:32:44.262 --> 00:32:45.570
[WHISPERS]
Probably less.

754
00:32:45.730 --> 00:32:46.936
You awe me a tree, punk.

755
00:32:47.966 --> 00:32:49.240
[BABY FARTS AND GIGGLES]

756
00:32:49.400 --> 00:32:51.311
Ugh. Ugh.

757
00:32:51.469 --> 00:32:53.972
Oh, great. Great. This is just great.

758
00:32:54.138 --> 00:32:56.744
- I've get to find a place to change a diaper.
-oh, God.

759
00:32:56.908 --> 00:33:00.617
Unless, cf course, Mr. Wu-Gang Clams
would like to help with some poopy?

760
00:33:00.778 --> 00:33:01.779
Wu-Tang, dude.

761
00:33:01.946 --> 00:33:02.754
Woo-hoo.

762
00:33:04.048 --> 00:33:06.085
Your little friend better get me a tree.

763
00:33:06.451 --> 00:33:08.226
I'm sorry about him, dude. I--

764
00:33:10.488 --> 00:33:11.796
BORIS:
Hey, grandpa!

765
00:33:11.956 --> 00:33:13.663
- Toss it back.
KUMAR: Wm: you calling...

766
00:33:13.825 --> 00:33:15.930
...grandpa, dude? I'm barely 30.

767
00:33:16.094 --> 00:33:17.801
Wanna start? I'll kick your ass...

768
00:33:17.962 --> 00:33:18.963
...right now.

769
00:33:19.130 --> 00:33:20.234
Karate Kid style.

770
00:33:20.398 --> 00:33:21.035
KUMAR:
Really?

771
00:33:21.199 --> 00:33:23.008
Which Karate Kid are you referring to?

772
00:33:23.167 --> 00:33:27.343
There's only one Karate Kid and it stars
Jackie Chan and my man Jaden Smith.

773
00:33:27.505 --> 00:33:28.506
What?

774
00:33:28.673 --> 00:33:30.243
Generation Z, here's your ball.

775
00:33:31.609 --> 00:33:34.852
Who invited these fucking losers?

776
00:33:35.013 --> 00:33:36.856
Listen, we're friends cf Mary, okay?

777
00:33:37.015 --> 00:33:39.825
She promised us we could have that tree.
Okay? Thank you.

778
00:33:39.984 --> 00:33:40.792
What?

779
00:33:40.952 --> 00:33:42.761
Fuck that! I don't care...

780
00:33:42.920 --> 00:33:45.799
...what my sister said.
I'm not letting you take cur tree.

781
00:33:45.957 --> 00:33:47.800
Uh, actually, you are, you fuckstain.

782
00:33:47.959 --> 00:33:49.097
HAROLD:
Come on.

783
00:33:49.260 --> 00:33:51.831
We're here to pick up the tree,
then we're cut cf here.

784
00:33:51.996 --> 00:33:53.270
It's a bit cf an emergency.

785
00:33:53.431 --> 00:33:55.536
Tell you what, we'll play you for it.

786
00:33:55.933 --> 00:33:56.775
If you beat us...

787
00:33:56.934 --> 00:33:58.038
...you get the tree.

788
00:33:58.202 --> 00:34:02.446
If we beat you, we kick your asses out and
take all your motherfucking cash. Ha, ha.

789
00:34:02.607 --> 00:34:05.213
I'm sorry, do you want us
to play you in beer pang?

790
00:34:05.410 --> 00:34:07.981
Oh, I'm sorry, I guess you guys
haven't heard cf it before.

791
00:34:08.146 --> 00:34:08.920
KUMAR:
Oh, no, no.

792
00:34:09.080 --> 00:34:10.616
We've heard cf it, dude. Yeah.

793
00:34:10.782 --> 00:34:13.285
Except, see, in cur day,
it was called Beirut.

794
00:34:13.451 --> 00:34:15.362
And we didn't have the rollback rule...

795
00:34:15.520 --> 00:34:16.999
...like you pussies have today.

796
00:34:17.155 --> 00:34:21.535
I remember the day they announced the rule.
Same day I kicked a little bitch's ass at it.

797
00:34:21.993 --> 00:34:23.768
You remind me a Int cf that guy...

798
00:34:23.928 --> 00:34:25.498
...except you're shorter.

799
00:34:25.663 --> 00:34:27.006
And he had pubes.

800
00:34:27.265 --> 00:34:28.539
Oh, my God. I'm so excited.

801
00:34:29.434 --> 00:34:30.538
All my other friends...

802
00:34:30.702 --> 00:34:32.477
...Inst their virginity in 7th grade.

803
00:34:32.637 --> 00:34:34.139
I can't believe it's happening.

804
00:34:34.305 --> 00:34:37.684
What's the deal? Why isn't everybody
at school trying to sleep with you?

805
00:34:37.842 --> 00:34:40.482
Are you kidding? No guy at school
will even touch me.

806
00:34:40.878 --> 00:34:41.754
Why won't they?

807
00:34:42.113 --> 00:34:43.592
Probably because they're scared.

808
00:34:43.748 --> 00:34:45.489
Well, I don't get scared.

809
00:34:45.650 --> 00:34:47.823
Scared cf--
What are they scared cf, though?

810
00:34:47.985 --> 00:34:49.521
Hey! Enough talk.

811
00:34:53.157 --> 00:34:53.931
Gonna hit this?

812
00:34:54.092 --> 00:34:55.867
Yes. I Will. Hit it.

813
00:34:57.562 --> 00:35:00.042
Aah. it's not a disease, is it? Heh, heh.

814
00:35:00.198 --> 00:35:02.178
- What?
- Never mind. Heh.

815
00:35:02.333 --> 00:35:04.370
Forget it. Heh.

816
00:35:06.471 --> 00:35:09.418
Okay, Daddy's gonna get you changed.
Daddy is gonna get you--

817
00:35:09.774 --> 00:35:11.776
Aah! Okay, I need this room...

818
00:35:11.943 --> 00:35:15.152
...for a serious diaper situation.
So I will ask you to stop...

819
00:35:15.313 --> 00:35:18.055
...doing that.
- Smush that pussy! Unh!

820
00:35:18.249 --> 00:35:18.954
Smush my pussy!

821
00:35:19.117 --> 00:35:19.891
GUY:
I'm coming!

822
00:35:20.051 --> 00:35:21.689
- Oh, my God.
GUY: Oh, I'm coming!

823
00:35:22.053 --> 00:35:23.999
Baby, blow me.

824
00:35:25.757 --> 00:35:26.633
Ugh.

825
00:35:29.560 --> 00:35:30.470
[HAROLD GRUNTS]

826
00:35:30.828 --> 00:35:32.432
A boom batta, these pockets...

827
00:35:32.597 --> 00:35:33.541
...getting fatter.

828
00:35:33.698 --> 00:35:34.335
You guys...

829
00:35:34.499 --> 00:35:35.807
...got nothing on me.

830
00:35:36.601 --> 00:35:38.911
Dude, I need this tree.

831
00:35:39.637 --> 00:35:40.513
I know.

832
00:35:40.671 --> 00:35:43.311
- We hit this, we win.
BORIS: No matter. There's no way...

833
00:35:43.474 --> 00:35:45.886
...you sinking this ball.
Not in my house.

834
00:35:46.043 --> 00:35:48.080
Shut this motherfucker up,
would you?

835
00:35:53.618 --> 00:35:54.722
- Time.
- What?

836
00:35:57.155 --> 00:35:58.896
Show him the old "Roldy Roll."

837
00:35:59.056 --> 00:36:01.502
It's too risky.
I haven't done that in forever.

838
00:36:01.659 --> 00:36:04.230
No, dude, came on. You get this. Feel it.

839
00:36:12.470 --> 00:36:13.972
[WHISPERS]
Hello, old friend.

840
00:36:16.140 --> 00:36:16.914
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Clear.

841
00:36:36.828 --> 00:36:37.772
[CROWD CHEERING]

842
00:36:38.863 --> 00:36:40.035
We won!

843
00:36:40.198 --> 00:36:41.768
Who are those guys?

844
00:36:41.933 --> 00:36:44.812
I don't know,
but they're fucking studs.

845
00:36:48.539 --> 00:36:49.609
[ADRIAN MOANS]

846
00:36:50.541 --> 00:36:54.614
I know this is your first time,
so I'm gonna be extra gentle.

847
00:36:58.916 --> 00:36:59.656
Who's that?

848
00:37:00.151 --> 00:37:01.562
Oh, that's just my dad.

849
00:37:03.287 --> 00:37:04.357
Why does he lock...

850
00:37:04.522 --> 00:37:05.557
...so familiar?

851
00:37:15.233 --> 00:37:16.405
[GROANING]

852
00:37:23.541 --> 00:37:24.679
[LAUGHING]

853
00:37:30.014 --> 00:37:31.618
[GRUNTING]

854
00:37:42.827 --> 00:37:46.001
That's not good. No.

855
00:37:46.163 --> 00:37:48.165
Hey, are we gonna do this or what?

856
00:37:48.332 --> 00:37:50.505
Yeah, we are, but your dad
is Sergei Katsov? Heh.

857
00:37:51.035 --> 00:37:53.572
Not again. Oh, my God.
This happens every goddamn time.

858
00:37:53.738 --> 00:37:54.580
No, no, no.

859
00:37:54.739 --> 00:37:55.683
Give your dick.

860
00:37:55.840 --> 00:37:57.478
Aah, aah. Hey! Whoa.

861
00:37:57.642 --> 00:37:58.518
Wait, I almost get it.

862
00:37:58.676 --> 00:38:01.179
It really hurts.
You're digging your nails into it! Aah!

863
00:38:02.380 --> 00:38:03.723
Are you going soft on me?

864
00:38:03.881 --> 00:38:04.757
Uh-uh.

865
00:38:04.916 --> 00:38:06.395
You better not go soft on me!

866
00:38:06.550 --> 00:38:08.052
I'm not, it's just hard.

867
00:38:08.219 --> 00:38:09.698
Aah! And it really, really hurts.

868
00:38:09.854 --> 00:38:11.765
Stop, just give me a two-minute break. Aah!

869
00:38:12.223 --> 00:38:13.258
Sc haw do we do this?

870
00:38:13.858 --> 00:38:16.134
KUMAR: There's gotta be
a freight elevator or something.

871
00:38:16.327 --> 00:38:19.171
- We take the ornaments off, or...?
-We could.

872
00:38:19.330 --> 00:38:23.472
Hey, guys. I just wanted to say
that was an epic match.

873
00:38:23.701 --> 00:38:25.374
- Good win.
- Thanks, kid.

874
00:38:25.536 --> 00:38:27.106
I'm sorry I was such a dick...

875
00:38:27.271 --> 00:38:29.751
...to you guys.
I thought you were old assholes.

876
00:38:30.574 --> 00:38:31.552
But real talk...

877
00:38:31.709 --> 00:38:34.212
...you guys are pretty cool. So cheers.

878
00:38:34.378 --> 00:38:37.052
- Thanks.
- No, no. Come on. Don't.

879
00:38:37.214 --> 00:38:40.491
Relay, the kid is acknowledging
the error of his ways. Respect that.

880
00:38:42.620 --> 00:38:44.566
Come on, man, it's Christmas.

881
00:38:44.889 --> 00:38:46.163
Thanks, kid.

882
00:38:46.390 --> 00:38:47.801
- All right.
- Cheers.

883
00:38:47.959 --> 00:38:49.461
HAROLD: Cheers.
- Cheers.

884
00:38:50.194 --> 00:38:52.504
Mm. It's good.

885
00:38:52.663 --> 00:38:56.475
Why don't you guys just sit down
and I'll get that tree all wrapped up for you.

886
00:38:56.634 --> 00:38:57.908
- Thank you.
- Thanks, man.

887
00:38:58.069 --> 00:38:59.104
Appreciate it.

888
00:39:01.005 --> 00:39:03.007
Diaper emergency! Aah! Cocaine!

889
00:39:03.607 --> 00:39:04.381
Have you kids...

890
00:39:04.542 --> 00:39:07.182
...never seen VH1's Behind the Music?

891
00:39:07.611 --> 00:39:08.521
Dc you not know...

892
00:39:08.679 --> 00:39:12.752
...what cocaine can do to the mind
of a person as young as you?

893
00:39:12.917 --> 00:39:13.657
[SNEEZES]

894
00:39:16.654 --> 00:39:18.224
[GIGGLES]

895
00:39:23.294 --> 00:39:25.365
[OVER SPEAKERS]
Unh, reporting live from the kitchen

896
00:39:25.529 --> 00:39:27.133
With a brand-new swag

897
00:39:27.298 --> 00:39:28.834
Dude, do you feel kind cf weird?

898
00:39:29.000 --> 00:39:31.879
Yeah, I do, actually.
My face is feeling kind cf numb.

899
00:39:32.036 --> 00:39:33.106
Oh, fuck.

900
00:39:33.270 --> 00:39:34.772
The kids put something in here.

901
00:39:34.939 --> 00:39:36.509
Was it drugs? Was it semen?

902
00:39:37.608 --> 00:39:38.780
[GARGLES]

903
00:39:39.543 --> 00:39:40.851
It doesn't taste like semen.

904
00:39:41.846 --> 00:39:43.348
MARY:
Uh! You fucking...

905
00:39:43.514 --> 00:39:45.357
...loser!
- Give me another chance!

906
00:39:45.516 --> 00:39:46.961
I'm begging you!

907
00:39:47.118 --> 00:39:49.189
I'm really, really, really sorry!

908
00:39:50.321 --> 00:39:53.632
That we had sex too well too often.

909
00:39:53.791 --> 00:39:55.964
"Sorry" doesn't pop my cherry.

910
00:39:56.127 --> 00:39:57.105
Somebody is gonna...

911
00:39:57.261 --> 00:39:59.639
...fuck me tonight! You!

912
00:40:01.032 --> 00:40:02.909
Oh, no. Ha. Married.

913
00:40:03.067 --> 00:40:04.512
- He's single.
- Hi. Kumar.

914
00:40:04.668 --> 00:40:05.772
I don't date black guys.

915
00:40:05.936 --> 00:40:07.347
- What? Whoa!
MARY: Unh!

916
00:40:07.538 --> 00:40:09.415
- What are you doing?
MARY: Getting you ready.

917
00:40:09.573 --> 00:40:11.348
- Get her off me!
- Right, sorry, sorry!

918
00:40:11.509 --> 00:40:12.886
Uh, I'm not gonna let you...

919
00:40:13.044 --> 00:40:15.786
...rape my friend on Christmas Eve.
He's married.

920
00:40:15.946 --> 00:40:17.220
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

921
00:40:17.381 --> 00:40:19.520
[CHATTERING]

922
00:40:23.754 --> 00:40:25.028
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

923
00:40:25.356 --> 00:40:26.596
Who the fuck are you?

924
00:40:28.025 --> 00:40:28.969
[GROANS]

925
00:40:29.126 --> 00:40:30.196
[SCRATCHES]

926
00:40:33.664 --> 00:40:34.506
MARY:
Stop resisting.

927
00:40:34.665 --> 00:40:35.939
HAROLD:
Push harder, dude!

928
00:40:36.100 --> 00:40:37.135
KUMAR:
I am doing it!

929
00:40:37.301 --> 00:40:38.177
HAROLD:
I can't get her...

930
00:40:38.335 --> 00:40:40.474
...off!
MARY: Oh, God!

931
00:40:40.638 --> 00:40:42.083
[HAROLD GRUNTS]

932
00:40:42.506 --> 00:40:43.780
Mariana?

933
00:40:45.910 --> 00:40:46.581
Daddy.

934
00:40:48.012 --> 00:40:48.922
BOTH:
Daddy.

935
00:40:51.649 --> 00:40:52.457
That's Sergei...

936
00:40:52.616 --> 00:40:53.788
...Katsov.

937
00:40:53.951 --> 00:40:54.793
I know, dude.

938
00:40:54.985 --> 00:40:56.157
Start talking.

939
00:40:56.320 --> 00:40:57.697
- Start talking.
- Okay.

940
00:40:59.757 --> 00:41:00.462
She--

941
00:41:00.624 --> 00:41:01.864
Start talking! Now!

942
00:41:02.026 --> 00:41:05.872
Sir. Hi. My name is Kumar, this is Harold.
It's very nice to meet you.

943
00:41:06.030 --> 00:41:08.374
Um, I know this is gonna be hard
for you to believe...

944
00:41:08.532 --> 00:41:11.536
...but your daughter, sir, was the one
who was trying to rape us.

945
00:41:11.702 --> 00:41:12.703
She's the raper.

946
00:41:12.870 --> 00:41:14.747
No! No, no, no! That is not true, Daddy.

947
00:41:14.905 --> 00:41:17.317
These men came in here,
I didn't know who they were.

948
00:41:17.475 --> 00:41:18.954
I think that they get me drunk.

949
00:41:19.110 --> 00:41:20.919
No. Miss? Miss? That's incorrect.

950
00:41:21.078 --> 00:41:22.455
You get my daughter drunk?

951
00:41:22.613 --> 00:41:24.889
Sir, if I may. This is all a big ...

952
00:41:25.516 --> 00:41:26.722
Let me pull my pants up.

953
00:41:26.884 --> 00:41:28.454
It's all a big misunderstanding.

954
00:41:29.453 --> 00:41:30.727
Your children threw the party.

955
00:41:32.123 --> 00:41:36.071
We have nothing to do with all the drugs
and all the alcohol.

956
00:41:36.227 --> 00:41:36.762
[WHISTLE]

957
00:41:36.961 --> 00:41:38.304
Okay, listen up!

958
00:41:38.462 --> 00:41:39.372
Party's over!

959
00:41:39.530 --> 00:41:40.372
My baby...

960
00:41:40.531 --> 00:41:43.705
...is fucked on cocaine!
KATSOV: I've heard enough.

961
00:41:43.868 --> 00:41:44.846
Gustav.

962
00:41:45.002 --> 00:41:45.946
[SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN]

963
00:41:46.137 --> 00:41:47.639
- What? Oh, shit!
- No! No!

964
00:41:47.805 --> 00:41:49.944
Why does it always have to be "Gustav"?

965
00:41:50.107 --> 00:41:52.678
- Why not "Yuri and Gustav, kill them"?
- He means both.

966
00:41:52.843 --> 00:41:54.254
Why can't he say bath cf us?

967
00:41:54.411 --> 00:41:55.754
Bath cf you...

968
00:41:56.614 --> 00:41:58.457
...kill them. Kill them all!

969
00:41:58.916 --> 00:41:59.894
[CROWD CLAMORING]

970
00:42:00.951 --> 00:42:01.759
- Aah!
KUMAR: Go!

971
00:42:01.919 --> 00:42:02.624
Now!

972
00:42:03.420 --> 00:42:04.797
TODD:
Unh, ah! Ava!

973
00:42:04.955 --> 00:42:06.730
Come with me if you wanna live!

974
00:42:06.891 --> 00:42:08.063
What? No, no!

975
00:42:08.225 --> 00:42:08.794
No, no, no!

976
00:42:13.297 --> 00:42:14.139
[BOTH GRUNT]

977
00:42:45.262 --> 00:42:47.003
Aah. Where's my baby?

978
00:42:47.164 --> 00:42:48.199
- Ava! Ava!
- Shh!

979
00:42:48.399 --> 00:42:50.675
Where could my baby be?
Where's my baby?

980
00:42:50.834 --> 00:42:51.574
[BABY GIGGLING]

981
00:42:51.936 --> 00:42:53.438
[BOTH YELL]

982
00:42:54.205 --> 00:42:56.481
Your cake baby has superpowers.

983
00:42:56.674 --> 00:42:58.676
[BOTH LAUGHING]

984
00:42:59.877 --> 00:43:01.754
- That was close.
- I know, right?

985
00:43:02.813 --> 00:43:04.815
HAROLD:
Were you starting to trip cut a little bit?

986
00:43:05.849 --> 00:43:09.228
Because I think I was starting
to trip cut back there a little bit.

987
00:43:09.386 --> 00:43:12.765
Yeah, definitely, man. I think there
was something in the eggnog.

988
00:43:12.923 --> 00:43:14.368
It's pretty fucking sweet.

989
00:43:14.558 --> 00:43:15.400
Don't worry.

990
00:43:15.559 --> 00:43:17.334
I'm pretty sure it's wearing off.

991
00:43:19.530 --> 00:43:21.532
Or maybe not?

992
00:43:21.699 --> 00:43:24.043
Holy shit! Dude, you're Claymated!

993
00:43:24.201 --> 00:43:25.680
Ha-ha-ha. Sc are you!

994
00:43:25.836 --> 00:43:26.906
Sc is he.

995
00:43:27.171 --> 00:43:28.650
What's up, bland?

996
00:43:31.008 --> 00:43:32.783
Dude, everything's Claymated!

997
00:43:32.943 --> 00:43:34.047
Fuck you!

998
00:43:34.211 --> 00:43:35.383
KUMAR:
This is great!

999
00:43:35.546 --> 00:43:38.550
No, it's not! How am I supposed
to get a tree now? I'm made of clay.

1000
00:43:38.716 --> 00:43:40.093
Ooh, hold on. I have an idea.

1001
00:43:40.251 --> 00:43:41.093
What the hell--?

1002
00:43:41.652 --> 00:43:42.357
Yah!

1003
00:43:42.653 --> 00:43:44.428
KUMAR: Clay cocks!
- Put your cock away.

1004
00:43:46.090 --> 00:43:48.036
Dude, relax. it's gonna wear off scan.

1005
00:43:48.192 --> 00:43:48.829
[WOMAN SCREAMS]

1006
00:43:49.793 --> 00:43:51.704
HAROLD:
Dude, are you seeing what I'm seeing?

1007
00:43:51.862 --> 00:43:52.806
What the fuck?

1008
00:43:53.097 --> 00:43:55.805
KUMAR: Don't worry, nothing had
ever happens in Claymation.

1009
00:43:55.966 --> 00:43:57.070
[SNOWMAN GROWLS THEN GRUNTS]

1010
00:43:57.701 --> 00:43:58.679
Whoa!

1011
00:43:59.069 --> 00:44:00.070
Shit!

1012
00:44:00.237 --> 00:44:01.238
Fuck!

1013
00:44:09.446 --> 00:44:10.823
Dude, lack cut!

1014
00:44:18.489 --> 00:44:20.491
[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

1015
00:44:27.564 --> 00:44:28.668
KUMAR:
Come on, let's hide...

1016
00:44:28.832 --> 00:44:29.572
...in that tree.

1017
00:44:29.733 --> 00:44:30.711
Dude, came on!

1018
00:44:36.640 --> 00:44:37.710
HAROLD & KUMAR:
Aww.

1019
00:44:39.109 --> 00:44:40.179
Hey, little guy.

1020
00:44:40.344 --> 00:44:44.258
Just wanna take you home
and cuddle with you all night long.

1021
00:44:44.948 --> 00:44:46.256
You hungry?

1022
00:44:46.817 --> 00:44:47.420
[GROWLS]

1023
00:44:47.584 --> 00:44:48.585
[BOTH SCREAMING]

1024
00:44:51.622 --> 00:44:53.158
Fuck me!

1025
00:44:55.926 --> 00:44:56.961
Mommy!

1026
00:44:57.127 --> 00:44:58.162
Hold me!

1027
00:44:58.329 --> 00:44:59.603
- Roldy!
- Kumar!

1028
00:44:59.763 --> 00:45:02.141
- What the hell's the matter?
ROSENBERG: What are you doing?

1029
00:45:02.299 --> 00:45:04.108
- Rosenberg.
- Goldstein?

1030
00:45:04.268 --> 00:45:07.943
We were doing last-minute shopping
with my boy here when we saw you...

1031
00:45:08.105 --> 00:45:09.948
...tearing that snowman a new tuchus.

1032
00:45:10.107 --> 00:45:11.780
ROSENBERG:
You are gonna catch your death...

1033
00:45:11.942 --> 00:45:14.115
...of cold out here.
Let's get you a nice meal.

1034
00:45:14.278 --> 00:45:16.155
Is there somewhere we can eat?

1035
00:45:25.656 --> 00:45:27.897
This is why I tell you not
to have people over.

1036
00:45:28.058 --> 00:45:32.871
[WHISPERS] Every single other person
get cut cf here except for us.

1037
00:45:33.030 --> 00:45:35.135
-[WHISPERS] I knew you'd bring that up.
- You grabbed me.

1038
00:45:35.299 --> 00:45:37.575
You said, "Came with me
if you want to live."

1039
00:45:37.735 --> 00:45:38.713
[SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN]

1040
00:45:40.270 --> 00:45:41.476
[GIGGLING]

1041
00:45:41.638 --> 00:45:43.743
- Man, I don't think that's okay.
-It's fine.

1042
00:45:43.907 --> 00:45:46.353
It's not fine! My baby's on cocaine.

1043
00:45:46.810 --> 00:45:48.380
I'm on cocaine.

1044
00:45:49.646 --> 00:45:50.784
I'm addicted to cocaine.

1045
00:45:50.948 --> 00:45:52.188
[SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN]

1046
00:45:54.151 --> 00:45:55.323
Yo! Idiots!

1047
00:45:56.653 --> 00:45:57.825
I want you to find...

1048
00:45:57.988 --> 00:46:00.298
...the men who violated...

1049
00:46:00.457 --> 00:46:01.834
...my daughter...

1050
00:46:01.992 --> 00:46:04.370
...and I want you to fucking kill them!

1051
00:46:05.896 --> 00:46:08.376
- Still hits the spat.
HAROLD: I know, right?

1052
00:46:08.532 --> 00:46:11.877
Oh, I almost forgot. Harold,
my Uncle Yoav, he threw his back cut.

1053
00:46:12.035 --> 00:46:13.673
So me and him, we're not gonna...

1054
00:46:13.837 --> 00:46:15.510
...be able to make your party.

1055
00:46:15.672 --> 00:46:17.413
- I'm so sorry about that.
-It's okay.

1056
00:46:17.574 --> 00:46:21.386
There's not really a-- We should get going.
We get a Christmas tree emergency.

1057
00:46:21.545 --> 00:46:24.856
I don't understand what it is
with you people and your trees.

1058
00:46:25.015 --> 00:46:26.016
GOLDSTEIN:
For us Christians...

1059
00:46:26.183 --> 00:46:28.891
...the tree is a very important
part cf cur holiday.

1060
00:46:29.052 --> 00:46:30.963
Okay, don't start with this. All right?

1061
00:46:31.121 --> 00:46:36.036
Just because your wife made you convert
doesn't mean you're not a Jew!

1062
00:46:36.393 --> 00:46:39.533
His name is Seth Goldstein.
For Christ's sake!

1063
00:46:39.696 --> 00:46:41.835
First cf all, don't ever take the Lord's...

1064
00:46:41.999 --> 00:46:43.444
...name in vain. Secondly...

1065
00:46:43.600 --> 00:46:44.977
...I was baptized, bitch!

1066
00:46:45.636 --> 00:46:46.808
The second the priest...

1067
00:46:46.970 --> 00:46:48.677
...poured that holy water over me...

1068
00:46:48.839 --> 00:46:51.786
...all my Jewish neurosis and self-hatred
just washed right off.

1069
00:46:51.942 --> 00:46:54.149
KUMAR: Sounds like you're enjoying
your new religion.

1070
00:46:54.344 --> 00:46:55.550
Dude, it's the balls.

1071
00:46:55.712 --> 00:46:57.350
These dirty Jew bastards have...

1072
00:46:57.514 --> 00:46:59.084
...no idea what they're missing.

1073
00:46:59.249 --> 00:47:01.286
Fishing! Hunting!
I tie knots on a sailboat.

1074
00:47:01.452 --> 00:47:02.863
I made terrible investments...

1075
00:47:03.020 --> 00:47:04.499
...doesn't bother me a bit.

1076
00:47:04.655 --> 00:47:06.225
And guess what. Next week...

1077
00:47:06.390 --> 00:47:08.836
...I have an appointment
to get uncircumcised.

1078
00:47:08.992 --> 00:47:11.632
That's right, I'm gonna get my snozzle.

1079
00:47:11.929 --> 00:47:15.604
Guys, I'd love to stay and chat
but I gotta go get this tree.

1080
00:47:15.766 --> 00:47:17.245
Christmas tree! Christmas tree!

1081
00:47:20.637 --> 00:47:22.878
It's glorious. isn't it Christian?

1082
00:47:23.440 --> 00:47:24.578
Great to see you guys.

1083
00:47:24.741 --> 00:47:26.414
KUMAR: See you, guys.
GOLDSTEIN: No, wait.

1084
00:47:26.743 --> 00:47:27.687
Excuse me!

1085
00:47:27.878 --> 00:47:31.121
You still awe me 87 cents
for that jalapeno cheeseburger!

1086
00:47:31.281 --> 00:47:35.024
Ah! Guess that holy water didn't
wash everything off, new did it?

1087
00:47:36.787 --> 00:47:38.289
HAROLD:
God, that tree is perfect.

1088
00:47:38.455 --> 00:47:39.525
KUMAR:
Let's go check it cut.

1089
00:47:39.690 --> 00:47:40.930
Tickets, please.

1090
00:47:41.091 --> 00:47:42.695
I'm sorry, we don't have tickets.

1091
00:47:42.860 --> 00:47:44.032
They sold cut months ago.

1092
00:47:44.528 --> 00:47:46.599
- But--
- Step aside, please.

1093
00:47:47.264 --> 00:47:48.937
I said step aside.

1094
00:47:51.468 --> 00:47:52.776
Shit.

1095
00:47:54.104 --> 00:47:56.846
You know what? Fuck it,
it's almost midnight. I give up.

1096
00:47:57.007 --> 00:47:58.111
You can't give up yet.

1097
00:47:59.009 --> 00:48:00.113
Lack...

1098
00:48:00.277 --> 00:48:02.917
...I have an idea on haw we might
get that tree cut.

1099
00:48:03.213 --> 00:48:04.715
- What?
-It's not gonna be easy.

1100
00:48:04.882 --> 00:48:06.862
But this may be
the last chance we've got.

1101
00:48:08.151 --> 00:48:08.993
Here's what we do.

1102
00:48:10.554 --> 00:48:12.397
First, we need to steal some tickets.

1103
00:48:12.556 --> 00:48:15.162
Then I slip off to the side
and take out the archbishop.

1104
00:48:17.194 --> 00:48:18.935
I head down
to the nuns' shower room.

1105
00:48:20.731 --> 00:48:23.337
HAROLD: I didn't know the nuns
all showered in the same room.

1106
00:48:23.500 --> 00:48:25.377
How do you think they stay so clean?

1107
00:48:26.870 --> 00:48:30.545
While the nuns are lezzing it out,
I'm gonna snag the key to the back room.

1108
00:48:30.707 --> 00:48:32.152
HAROLD:
What back room?

1109
00:48:32.309 --> 00:48:35.654
The back room that the priests
are guarding. Am I going too fast?

1110
00:48:35.812 --> 00:48:36.813
- No.
- Okay, good.

1111
00:48:36.980 --> 00:48:38.823
You're in charge cf distracting them.

1112
00:48:38.982 --> 00:48:40.188
How the hell do I do that?

1113
00:48:40.350 --> 00:48:42.523
KUMAR: That's easy, you'll just use
our secret weapon.

1114
00:48:42.686 --> 00:48:47.192
Pillow fight in the altar boys' room.
Last one there's a rotten egg.

1115
00:48:48.559 --> 00:48:51.665
KUMAR: Once the coast is clear, we use
the key to get into the back room.

1116
00:48:51.828 --> 00:48:53.364
I guard while you kill the power.

1117
00:48:53.530 --> 00:48:55.703
While everyone's trying
to turn the power on...

1118
00:48:55.866 --> 00:48:57.812
...you and I will get the tree.

1119
00:48:57.968 --> 00:49:00.744
We take it to your place,
and when Maria's dad comes home...

1120
00:49:00.904 --> 00:49:02.781
...and sees this beautiful tree...

1121
00:49:02.940 --> 00:49:05.216
...in your living room,
he'll jizz all over it.

1122
00:49:06.743 --> 00:49:07.744
What do you think?

1123
00:49:09.313 --> 00:49:10.053
INEZ:
Uncle Harold.

1124
00:49:10.213 --> 00:49:12.955
I think I see Uncle Harold over there.

1125
00:49:13.116 --> 00:49:15.255
What do you mean,
you see Uncle Harold?

1126
00:49:20.090 --> 00:49:21.091
Baby?

1127
00:49:21.725 --> 00:49:23.033
Oh, sorry, sir.

1128
00:49:23.527 --> 00:49:24.301
MR. PEREZ:
it's okay, baby.

1129
00:49:24.461 --> 00:49:27.067
They all look alike to me too.
Ha-ha-ha.

1130
00:49:28.899 --> 00:49:33.143
HAROLD: Fuck! Midnight Mass.
Is it midnight already? Fucking midnight!

1131
00:49:33.303 --> 00:49:34.577
Running cut cf time.

1132
00:49:34.738 --> 00:49:37.048
Wait, wait, wait!
What the hell are we doing?

1133
00:49:37.207 --> 00:49:39.483
Hold on. What the hell's going on?

1134
00:49:39.643 --> 00:49:42.624
He almost spotted us!
I'm supposed to be at home with the tree.

1135
00:49:42.779 --> 00:49:45.055
But why are you making
such a big deal about this?

1136
00:49:45.215 --> 00:49:47.388
Because it is a big deal.

1137
00:49:47.551 --> 00:49:50.088
Who gives a shit what
your father-in-law thinks?

1138
00:49:50.253 --> 00:49:54.258
I give a shit what my father-in-law thinks.
You wouldn't understand.

1139
00:49:55.592 --> 00:49:57.731
No, dude, I don't understand.

1140
00:49:58.328 --> 00:50:01.434
You got a great job, you make good money,
you don't beat your wife.

1141
00:50:01.598 --> 00:50:03.737
What more could a Latino
father-in-law ask for?

1142
00:50:03.900 --> 00:50:05.538
- Well ...
- If I were you...

1143
00:50:05.702 --> 00:50:07.773
...I'd tell him to eat
a cockmeat sandwich.

1144
00:50:09.473 --> 00:50:10.850
You should not go through...

1145
00:50:11.008 --> 00:50:12.749
...all this just to make him happy.

1146
00:50:13.343 --> 00:50:15.118
You're right, I don't have to.

1147
00:50:15.746 --> 00:50:17.089
I want to.

1148
00:50:17.781 --> 00:50:21.524
I want him to be happy
because I want Maria to be happy.

1149
00:50:21.685 --> 00:50:24.632
Because what makes Maria happy
is what makes me happy.

1150
00:50:25.255 --> 00:50:26.063
Don't you get it?

1151
00:50:26.223 --> 00:50:28.567
I don't have to be doing this.

1152
00:50:29.126 --> 00:50:30.799
I wanna be doing this.

1153
00:50:32.596 --> 00:50:33.597
What the fuck?

1154
00:50:33.764 --> 00:50:36.643
Smoke break ended 10 minutes ago!
We need all bodies on-stage!

1155
00:50:36.800 --> 00:50:37.676
[BOTH YELL]

1156
00:50:38.468 --> 00:50:41.915
Oh, my God, you guys aren't even
dressed? Jesus fucking Christ!

1157
00:50:42.072 --> 00:50:43.142
You have the wrong people.

1158
00:50:43.306 --> 00:50:44.307
Wardrobe!

1159
00:50:44.474 --> 00:50:47.080
Ga! Come on, came on, came on!
Shut up!

1160
00:50:48.812 --> 00:50:51.691
Ma'am, you seem like
a very nice person.

1161
00:50:51.848 --> 00:50:53.156
BECCA:
Ga! Move!

1162
00:50:53.316 --> 00:50:54.590
Fucking actors.

1163
00:50:54.751 --> 00:50:57.425
ANNOUNCER [OVER SPEAKERS]:
And now, ladies and gentlemen...

1164
00:50:57.587 --> 00:50:59.328
...without further ado...

1165
00:50:59.489 --> 00:51:01.093
...the man...
- Lock at these firs.

1166
00:51:01.258 --> 00:51:02.794
...You've all been waiting for:

1167
00:51:02.959 --> 00:51:04.336
America's sweetheart!

1168
00:51:04.494 --> 00:51:05.302
[SINGING]
Deck the halls with boughs of holly

1169
00:51:05.462 --> 00:51:06.463
Holy shit. Neil.

1170
00:51:06.963 --> 00:51:09.239
Fa-Ia-Ia-la-la, la-la-Ia-la

1171
00:51:09.766 --> 00:51:10.540
Dance.

1172
00:51:10.701 --> 00:51:11.543
What?

1173
00:51:11.735 --> 00:51:13.339
Blend. Blend. Blend.

1174
00:51:13.503 --> 00:51:14.379
KUMAR:
Harold. Wait!

1175
00:51:14.938 --> 00:51:17.145
Don we now our gay apparel

1176
00:51:17.307 --> 00:51:19.981
Fa-Ia-la, la-Ia-Ia, Ia-la-la

1177
00:51:20.143 --> 00:51:22.316
Troll the ancient yuletide carol

1178
00:51:22.479 --> 00:51:24.049
Fa-Ia-Ia-la-la, la-Ia

1179
00:51:24.815 --> 00:51:26.260
La-Ia!

1180
00:51:31.121 --> 00:51:33.863
You better watch out
You better not cry

1181
00:51:34.024 --> 00:51:36.402
You better not pout
I'm tellin' you why

1182
00:51:36.560 --> 00:51:38.801
Santa Claus is comin'

1183
00:51:38.962 --> 00:51:40.566
To town

1184
00:51:40.731 --> 00:51:41.709
[GRUNTS]

1185
00:51:41.998 --> 00:51:43.841
He sees you when you're sleeping

1186
00:51:44.000 --> 00:51:45.206
He knows when you're awake

1187
00:51:45.368 --> 00:51:46.813
[ALL GRUNTING]

1188
00:51:47.838 --> 00:51:48.908
HAROLD:
Oh, my God!

1189
00:51:49.206 --> 00:51:51.243
So be good for goodness' sake

1190
00:51:51.942 --> 00:51:53.421
[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

1191
00:51:57.414 --> 00:52:00.657
Santa Claus is comin' to town

1192
00:52:06.523 --> 00:52:09.003
WAFFLEBOTS [SINGING]:
I played my drum for him

1193
00:52:09.159 --> 00:52:10.900
Pa rum pum pum pum

1194
00:52:13.230 --> 00:52:14.834
Then he

1195
00:52:14.998 --> 00:52:16.272
Smiled at me

1196
00:52:16.833 --> 00:52:18.506
Pa rum pum pum pum

1197
00:52:19.236 --> 00:52:21.216
Me and my drum

1198
00:52:30.113 --> 00:52:32.719
We wish you a merry Christmas

1199
00:52:32.883 --> 00:52:35.363
We wish you a merry Christmas

1200
00:52:35.786 --> 00:52:37.595
We wish you a merry Christmas

1201
00:52:37.754 --> 00:52:40.030
And a happy New Year

1202
00:52:40.190 --> 00:52:42.568
We wish you a merry Christmas

1203
00:52:42.726 --> 00:52:44.797
We wish you a merry Christmas

1204
00:52:44.961 --> 00:52:47.100
We wish you a merry Christmas

1205
00:52:47.264 --> 00:52:49.972
And a happy

1206
00:52:50.133 --> 00:52:55.276
New Year

1207
00:53:00.944 --> 00:53:02.617
Merry Christmas, everyone!

1208
00:53:04.815 --> 00:53:07.056
DIRECTOR:
All right, that's a cut. Great jab.

1209
00:53:07.217 --> 00:53:09.322
Great jab.
I've just get a few notes, okay?

1210
00:53:09.486 --> 00:53:11.625
Just gonna came on the stage.

1211
00:53:11.788 --> 00:53:12.960
Oh, God.

1212
00:53:13.557 --> 00:53:14.900
Fucking tight jeans.

1213
00:53:16.626 --> 00:53:21.439
NPH, ha, ha. You are absolutely bringing
the heat, and you are bringing it hard.

1214
00:53:21.598 --> 00:53:23.976
You're a dream, but unfortunately...

1215
00:53:24.134 --> 00:53:26.114
...these backup blowjob artists...

1216
00:53:26.269 --> 00:53:28.476
...are ruining everything!

1217
00:53:28.638 --> 00:53:29.981
I can run it again.

1218
00:53:30.140 --> 00:53:33.485
No, no, no. No, you skedaddle.
Go and get some rest, huh?

1219
00:53:33.643 --> 00:53:35.452
Make yourself fresh, okay? Ha, ha.

1220
00:53:36.780 --> 00:53:37.986
Damn it!

1221
00:53:42.586 --> 00:53:43.860
Hey, Gracie, chin up.

1222
00:53:44.020 --> 00:53:46.022
Happens to the best of us.
You up for...

1223
00:53:46.189 --> 00:53:48.100
...one-on-one rehearsing later?
GRACIE: Wait.

1224
00:53:49.025 --> 00:53:50.026
You know my name?

1225
00:53:50.193 --> 00:53:54.266
Of course. You're doing great.
I thought we could work on a thing or two.

1226
00:53:54.431 --> 00:53:57.310
- In my dressing room, five minutes.
- Yes!

1227
00:53:57.467 --> 00:54:00.107
Thank you so much, Mr. Patrick Harris.

1228
00:54:00.270 --> 00:54:03.046
- I'll get changed and be right over.
- I'll see you then.

1229
00:54:05.275 --> 00:54:07.812
You really think Neil can
get us one cf those trees?

1230
00:54:07.978 --> 00:54:10.481
After all we've been through
with that guy, he better.

1231
00:54:10.647 --> 00:54:12.024
No shit.

1232
00:54:12.616 --> 00:54:14.095
REPORTER:
Neil, Neil, Neil, Dan Frye.

1233
00:54:14.251 --> 00:54:17.494
Hollywood Hearsay.
Is it true that you're replacing Regis?

1234
00:54:17.654 --> 00:54:18.860
NEIL:
it'll be tough between...

1235
00:54:19.022 --> 00:54:21.662
...How I Met Your Mother
and charity work, but we'll see.

1236
00:54:21.825 --> 00:54:24.806
Oh, wow. And you stunned fans
when you said you were gay.

1237
00:54:24.961 --> 00:54:28.067
How has this affected your relationship
with your partner, David?

1238
00:54:28.231 --> 00:54:30.711
Well, maybe this'll answer
your question.

1239
00:54:32.135 --> 00:54:33.637
So hot, NPH.

1240
00:54:33.803 --> 00:54:36.545
Mm, mm. Ha-ha-ha.
Hey. How about that?

1241
00:54:36.706 --> 00:54:38.310
Thank you. I love you guys.

1242
00:54:38.475 --> 00:54:39.476
[BOTH CHUCKLE]

1243
00:54:39.643 --> 00:54:41.520
Ugh. What did I tell you
about using tongue?

1244
00:54:41.678 --> 00:54:43.521
You wanted it to lack realistic.

1245
00:54:43.680 --> 00:54:46.422
Yeah, realistic, not fucking gay as shit.

1246
00:54:46.583 --> 00:54:49.496
The only reason I put up
with this homo crap is for the p-tang.

1247
00:54:49.686 --> 00:54:50.994
DAVID:
Fuck this! I get a wife...

1248
00:54:51.154 --> 00:54:52.792
...and kid. I'm cut cf here.

1249
00:54:52.956 --> 00:54:53.991
NEIL:
Wait, man.

1250
00:54:54.157 --> 00:54:55.261
What about the stuff?

1251
00:54:55.458 --> 00:54:56.869
DAVID: What stuff?
- The stuff.

1252
00:54:57.027 --> 00:54:58.165
Give me the stuff.

1253
00:54:58.862 --> 00:54:59.704
This stuff?

1254
00:54:59.863 --> 00:55:00.773
[PANTS]

1255
00:55:00.997 --> 00:55:01.839
Oh, yeah.

1256
00:55:01.998 --> 00:55:03.534
You'd like this bag cf crack.

1257
00:55:03.700 --> 00:55:04.508
Wouldn't you?

1258
00:55:04.668 --> 00:55:07.342
Well, maybe I should give it
to someone else.

1259
00:55:07.504 --> 00:55:09.506
You know I get Fred Savage
on speed dial.

1260
00:55:09.673 --> 00:55:11.846
Fuck Savage! That rock is mine!

1261
00:55:12.008 --> 00:55:15.922
Give it to me. Come on, David,
give me the stuff. Give me the sugar.

1262
00:55:16.079 --> 00:55:18.252
- Put money in my account.
- You get it. Done.

1263
00:55:18.415 --> 00:55:21.191
- And sing at my niece's quinceanera.
- All right, I'll sing.

1264
00:55:21.351 --> 00:55:23.228
- You can't fuck her!
- I can't promise.

1265
00:55:23.386 --> 00:55:24.387
- Fine.
- No! All right!

1266
00:55:24.554 --> 00:55:25.362
I won't fuck her!

1267
00:55:25.522 --> 00:55:27.297
Just let me have the rack.

1268
00:55:27.457 --> 00:55:28.367
GRACIE:
Excuse me, Neil?

1269
00:55:28.525 --> 00:55:29.663
Oh. Oh, this is--

1270
00:55:29.826 --> 00:55:31.032
I can came back later.

1271
00:55:31.194 --> 00:55:34.471
- No! No, I'm heading cut. Ha, ha.
- No, we were just-- Hi.

1272
00:55:34.631 --> 00:55:36.372
Bye-bye, sweet pea.

1273
00:55:36.533 --> 00:55:38.479
- You behave yourself, peaches. Ha-ha-ha.
DAVID: Always.

1274
00:55:38.635 --> 00:55:39.909
You guys are too cute.

1275
00:55:40.070 --> 00:55:40.844
[M o u T H s]
Fuck you.

1276
00:55:41.004 --> 00:55:41.573
I do love...

1277
00:55:41.738 --> 00:55:43.342
...that handsome man.

1278
00:55:43.707 --> 00:55:45.152
Thank you so much for this...

1279
00:55:45.308 --> 00:55:47.083
...opportunity to work with you.

1280
00:55:47.243 --> 00:55:48.244
Sure. Come on in.

1281
00:55:48.411 --> 00:55:49.890
What would you like to rehearse?

1282
00:55:50.046 --> 00:55:52.185
Oh. Nothing specific.
Just some general stuff.

1283
00:55:52.349 --> 00:55:54.955
You seemed tense.
I thought we could loosen you up.

1284
00:55:55.118 --> 00:55:56.290
Take your sweater off.

1285
00:55:56.720 --> 00:55:57.562
[CHUCKLES]

1286
00:55:57.787 --> 00:55:58.424
Oh, no, no.

1287
00:55:58.588 --> 00:55:59.828
For a massage. Heh.

1288
00:56:00.023 --> 00:56:02.401
David'll tell you,
these hands are magical.

1289
00:56:03.026 --> 00:56:05.768
Well, I don't really have
anything on underneath, so ...

1290
00:56:05.929 --> 00:56:08.068
Oh, it's okay.
It's just a couple girlfriends.

1291
00:56:08.231 --> 00:56:09.266
[BOTH CHUCKLE]

1292
00:56:09.766 --> 00:56:11.143
Now take it off.

1293
00:56:11.668 --> 00:56:12.738
Okay.

1294
00:56:16.439 --> 00:56:18.419
Why don't you lay on the bed?

1295
00:56:23.013 --> 00:56:24.458
[SNIFFS]

1296
00:56:28.585 --> 00:56:29.791
- Ow.
- Sorry.

1297
00:56:32.922 --> 00:56:34.162
[BOTH MOANING]

1298
00:56:34.324 --> 00:56:35.268
Feels good.

1299
00:56:35.425 --> 00:56:37.132
Yeah, it does feel good.

1300
00:56:37.293 --> 00:56:39.364
I can't ... I can't ...

1301
00:56:39.562 --> 00:56:42.202
- Can I take this bra off?
- Um ...

1302
00:56:42.465 --> 00:56:44.809
-it's okay. Girlfriends.
- Ha-ha-ha.

1303
00:56:45.435 --> 00:56:46.937
That's better.

1304
00:56:47.103 --> 00:56:48.605
Should we do something?

1305
00:56:48.772 --> 00:56:51.514
I don't know, I kind cf wanna see
what happens next.

1306
00:56:51.975 --> 00:56:52.953
Feels good.

1307
00:56:53.109 --> 00:56:54.315
Oh, it's so hard.

1308
00:56:54.477 --> 00:56:56.787
This knot on your back is so hard.

1309
00:56:56.946 --> 00:56:58.619
Lack, don't be alarmed...

1310
00:56:59.816 --> 00:57:03.889
...but I'm gonna squirt some lotion
on your back in about...

1311
00:57:04.354 --> 00:57:05.628
...35 seconds.

1312
00:57:05.789 --> 00:57:06.699
Excuse me?

1313
00:57:06.856 --> 00:57:08.062
- Shut up.
- What the fuck?

1314
00:57:08.224 --> 00:57:09.362
Shut the fuck up!

1315
00:57:09.526 --> 00:57:10.630
Get the fuck off cf me!

1316
00:57:10.794 --> 00:57:12.705
You like it rough? I can play that way.

1317
00:57:12.862 --> 00:57:14.535
God! I thought you were gay!

1318
00:57:14.697 --> 00:57:16.176
I am gay. Gay for that pussy.

1319
00:57:16.332 --> 00:57:17.333
Oh!

1320
00:57:17.534 --> 00:57:19.571
I don't know what sick game
you're playing...

1321
00:57:19.736 --> 00:57:21.977
...but touch me again,
I'll rip your dick off!

1322
00:57:22.138 --> 00:57:23.446
[LAUGHING]

1323
00:57:23.606 --> 00:57:24.482
[GRUNTS]

1324
00:57:27.677 --> 00:57:29.588
Marty, Kumar, lang time.

1325
00:57:31.648 --> 00:57:33.753
It's Harold, actually.

1326
00:57:33.917 --> 00:57:35.419
Ha-ha-ha. Of course it is.

1327
00:57:35.619 --> 00:57:36.859
Come on, have a seat.

1328
00:57:37.020 --> 00:57:40.558
How lang has it been?
You two lack great. Have you Inst weight?

1329
00:57:40.724 --> 00:57:42.328
Is that Hugo Bass? I Iove it.

1330
00:57:42.492 --> 00:57:44.529
Well, thanks. Listen, um ...

1331
00:57:45.061 --> 00:57:47.905
Would you like a waffle, Mr. Harris?

1332
00:57:48.365 --> 00:57:49.742
Shut up!

1333
00:57:49.933 --> 00:57:50.877
God, I hate this...

1334
00:57:51.034 --> 00:57:53.071
...fucking PancakeBot thing.

1335
00:57:53.236 --> 00:57:54.715
Dude, it's a WaffleBot.

1336
00:57:54.871 --> 00:57:56.009
They' re awesome.

1337
00:57:56.172 --> 00:57:56.775
WaffleThing.

1338
00:57:56.940 --> 00:57:58.044
Get the fuck...

1339
00:57:58.208 --> 00:57:59.585
...cut cf my life!

1340
00:58:00.243 --> 00:58:01.847
Ouch.

1341
00:58:02.178 --> 00:58:03.282
[NEIL SIGHS]

1342
00:58:03.446 --> 00:58:04.390
Anyway...

1343
00:58:04.547 --> 00:58:07.050
...what can I do for you,
my burglars cf turd?

1344
00:58:07.217 --> 00:58:09.390
Time-the-fuck-cut.
How are you still alive?

1345
00:58:09.552 --> 00:58:10.724
Yeah, haw the fuck?

1346
00:58:11.121 --> 00:58:12.464
What are you talking about?

1347
00:58:12.622 --> 00:58:13.794
We saw you get shot.

1348
00:58:14.591 --> 00:58:16.093
You have to be more specific.

1349
00:58:16.259 --> 00:58:17.135
In that whorehouse.

1350
00:58:17.293 --> 00:58:17.930
In Texas.

1351
00:58:18.094 --> 00:58:19.471
You branded a prostitute.

1352
00:58:19.629 --> 00:58:20.198
Remember?

1353
00:58:20.597 --> 00:58:22.201
Oh, yeah!

1354
00:58:22.365 --> 00:58:24.538
Now I remember.

1355
00:58:24.934 --> 00:58:26.038
It hurt like hell...

1356
00:58:26.202 --> 00:58:27.044
...at first.

1357
00:58:27.203 --> 00:58:27.977
And then...

1358
00:58:28.138 --> 00:58:29.173
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

1359
00:58:30.173 --> 00:58:31.709
...everything faded away.

1360
00:58:32.509 --> 00:58:33.579
And I went to heaven.

1361
00:58:35.378 --> 00:58:36.379
It was exactly...

1362
00:58:36.546 --> 00:58:37.616
...like I imagined it.

1363
00:58:37.781 --> 00:58:38.782
[CHATTERING]

1364
00:58:39.616 --> 00:58:40.754
Saint Peter was there...

1365
00:58:40.917 --> 00:58:41.918
...to meet me.

1366
00:58:42.085 --> 00:58:43.587
Whoa. No way!

1367
00:58:43.753 --> 00:58:45.289
- NPH?
- Yup.

1368
00:58:45.922 --> 00:58:48.630
ST. PETER:
Make room! Make room! VIP!

1369
00:58:49.492 --> 00:58:50.527
[DANCE MUSIC
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

1370
00:58:50.694 --> 00:58:53.436
NEIL: The chicks were hot.
The music was sick.

1371
00:58:53.596 --> 00:58:55.098
There were lasers.

1372
00:58:55.265 --> 00:58:57.006
It was like being famous...

1373
00:58:57.167 --> 00:58:59.340
...in the early '90s. I was about to...

1374
00:58:59.502 --> 00:59:01.175
...get my drink on, when I was...

1375
00:59:01.337 --> 00:59:03.214
...interrupted by some dirty hippie.

1376
00:59:04.074 --> 00:59:05.781
Neil Patrick Harris. My man.

1377
00:59:06.409 --> 00:59:07.945
I'm sure you recognize me...

1378
00:59:09.012 --> 00:59:10.582
...but I'm Jesus. Sc...

1379
00:59:11.114 --> 00:59:12.184
Jesus...?

1380
00:59:12.348 --> 00:59:14.794
Jesus Christ. That's me.
I'm Jesus Christ, Neil.

1381
00:59:14.951 --> 00:59:16.760
Hey, ladies.

1382
00:59:16.920 --> 00:59:19.400
Neil Patrick Harris.
I played Private Carl Jenkins...

1383
00:59:19.556 --> 00:59:21.001
in Starship Troopers.

1384
00:59:21.224 --> 00:59:21.964
JESUS:
Wow.

1385
00:59:22.192 --> 00:59:24.331
I love that movie. Cool, cool. Awesome.

1386
00:59:24.494 --> 00:59:26.303
Let's get shots.
Keep the party going.

1387
00:59:26.463 --> 00:59:27.373
- Who's in?
- Shots.

1388
00:59:27.530 --> 00:59:28.235
Sc, girls ...

1389
00:59:31.134 --> 00:59:32.909
Aw, came on.

1390
00:59:33.069 --> 00:59:34.377
How did that happen already?

1391
00:59:36.973 --> 00:59:38.213
Give me the phone to Dad.

1392
00:59:39.542 --> 00:59:41.215
GOD: This is God.
- Daddy?

1393
00:59:41.377 --> 00:59:43.084
We need to 86 NPH ASAP.

1394
00:59:43.246 --> 00:59:45.021
He's getting a handjob in my club.

1395
00:59:45.582 --> 00:59:47.289
[MOANS]

1396
00:59:47.450 --> 00:59:50.124
Jesus, what a cockblock.

1397
00:59:51.054 --> 00:59:52.465
Doesn't explain the gay thing.

1398
00:59:52.622 --> 00:59:53.965
You're not gay, motherfucker.

1399
00:59:54.124 --> 00:59:54.829
At all.

1400
00:59:54.991 --> 00:59:56.368
[LAUGHS]

1401
00:59:56.826 --> 00:59:59.705
That's a little something
we magicians call "misdirection."

1402
00:59:59.863 --> 01:00:01.069
Little trick I learned...

1403
01:00:01.231 --> 01:00:02.232
...from Clay Aiken.
HAROLD: What?

1404
01:00:02.398 --> 01:00:03.809
Clay Aiken's not gay?

1405
01:00:03.967 --> 01:00:07.915
Clay's the biggest coozehound I know.
That guy gets mad gash.

1406
01:00:08.071 --> 01:00:08.981
HAROLD:
Neil, listen.

1407
01:00:09.139 --> 01:00:10.914
I was wandering if--

1408
01:00:11.074 --> 01:00:13.145
I can get you one cf those
Christmas trees?

1409
01:00:13.309 --> 01:00:14.379
Sure, no problem.

1410
01:00:14.544 --> 01:00:15.545
How'd you know that?

1411
01:00:15.879 --> 01:00:17.654
I can read your mind.

1412
01:00:19.415 --> 01:00:20.416
KUMAR:
All right.

1413
01:00:20.583 --> 01:00:21.687
You might be able to--?

1414
01:00:21.851 --> 01:00:25.025
Hack you up with a free WaffleBot?
You know what? Take mine.

1415
01:00:25.188 --> 01:00:26.599
I hate that android fuck.

1416
01:00:26.790 --> 01:00:29.600
Don't call him that, dude.
What's up, WaffleBot?

1417
01:00:29.759 --> 01:00:31.932
Waffles are awesome.
Pancakes suck, right?

1418
01:00:32.095 --> 01:00:33.870
I hate pancakes.

1419
01:00:34.030 --> 01:00:34.940
I know, so do I.

1420
01:00:35.098 --> 01:00:36.805
Kumar.

1421
01:00:38.168 --> 01:00:39.010
Thanks, Neil.

1422
01:00:39.169 --> 01:00:40.239
- Thanks.
NEIL: No problem.

1423
01:00:40.403 --> 01:00:43.247
Hey, merry Christmas, guys.
We'll see you in the fourth one.

1424
01:00:44.808 --> 01:00:48.153
HAROLD: God, this is amazing. We're
actually gonna make it home before they do.

1425
01:00:48.311 --> 01:00:50.587
- We saved Christmas, man.
KUMAR: Mission accomplished.

1426
01:00:50.747 --> 01:00:53.023
- All right, put down the tree. Put it dawn.
- Unh!

1427
01:00:53.216 --> 01:00:54.820
HAROLD: All right.
- Waffle break?

1428
01:00:55.018 --> 01:00:56.895
All right. Oh, God.

1429
01:00:57.053 --> 01:00:58.760
Oh, my God. WaffleBot.

1430
01:00:58.922 --> 01:01:00.026
Dude, seriously...

1431
01:01:00.190 --> 01:01:01.965
...these are incredible waffles.

1432
01:01:02.125 --> 01:01:04.731
Kumar and WaffleBot friends forever.

1433
01:01:05.228 --> 01:01:07.071
Ha, ha. No doubt, WaffleBot.

1434
01:01:07.230 --> 01:01:08.834
I love you...

1435
01:01:08.998 --> 01:01:10.671
...Kumar.
- Ha, ha.

1436
01:01:10.834 --> 01:01:12.211
I love you too, little guy.

1437
01:01:12.702 --> 01:01:13.407
HAROLD:
What the fuck?

1438
01:01:13.570 --> 01:01:15.140
That is the weirdest fucking toy.

1439
01:01:15.738 --> 01:01:16.580
You're happy.

1440
01:01:16.739 --> 01:01:19.219
See? You're laughing.
You're having fun. Admit it:

1441
01:01:19.375 --> 01:01:21.321
I'm more fun to hang cut with than Todd.

1442
01:01:21.477 --> 01:01:24.117
Todd and Ava.
I totally forgot about them.

1443
01:01:24.581 --> 01:01:25.924
I'm sure they're fine, right?

1444
01:01:26.082 --> 01:01:27.390
It's going to voicemail.

1445
01:01:27.550 --> 01:01:29.359
I think they're fine.
Todd's a big boy.

1446
01:01:29.519 --> 01:01:31.658
He's probably putting her
to bed or something.

1447
01:01:31.855 --> 01:01:34.631
Yeah. They're probably fine, right?

1448
01:01:37.460 --> 01:01:39.235
MADEA [ON TV]:
Look at me, look at me!

1449
01:01:39.395 --> 01:01:41.102
Why wasn't you at school today?

1450
01:01:41.264 --> 01:01:42.436
I went to the park.

1451
01:01:42.665 --> 01:01:43.735
She lying.

1452
01:01:43.933 --> 01:01:46.379
MADEA: What was you doing?
You supposed to be at school.

1453
01:01:46.536 --> 01:01:47.537
[BAG RUSTLING]

1454
01:01:47.704 --> 01:01:49.775
Little girl, I'm not gonna
ask you no more.

1455
01:01:49.939 --> 01:01:53.978
NIKKI: I'm not smart like the other kids.
I can't do that stuff.

1456
01:01:54.143 --> 01:01:55.679
MADEA:
Who told you that?

1457
01:01:55.879 --> 01:01:57.984
NIKKI:
My last foster mother.

1458
01:01:58.147 --> 01:02:02.095
She told me that the only thing I'm gonna
be smart enough to do is lay on my back.

1459
01:02:02.252 --> 01:02:05.199
MADEA: The best revenge you can have
on somebody that told you that...

1460
01:02:05.355 --> 01:02:06.390
[CRUNCHING]

1461
01:02:06.556 --> 01:02:09.628
...is to prove them wrong. l went to
that school and I got your homework.

1462
01:02:09.792 --> 01:02:12.739
TODD [WHISPERS]:
Are you fucking kidding me?

1463
01:02:12.896 --> 01:02:13.670
["DECK THE HALLS"
PLAYS AS RINGTONE]

1464
01:02:13.830 --> 01:02:14.570
- Oh.
- Oh.

1465
01:02:15.098 --> 01:02:16.668
Maybe that's Todd.

1466
01:02:16.933 --> 01:02:18.674
Whoa, why is Vanessa calling you?

1467
01:02:18.835 --> 01:02:20.439
Oh, that's because Maria is--

1468
01:02:20.603 --> 01:02:21.843
- Hello?
VANESSA: Kumar?

1469
01:02:22.005 --> 01:02:23.109
- Is that you?
- Yeah.

1470
01:02:23.273 --> 01:02:24.809
Why are you calling Harold?

1471
01:02:24.974 --> 01:02:25.645
[SIGHS]

1472
01:02:25.808 --> 01:02:27.219
Can I just speak to him, please?

1473
01:02:27.377 --> 01:02:28.788
What? No.

1474
01:02:28.945 --> 01:02:30.185
I've been texting you.

1475
01:02:30.346 --> 01:02:32.087
I haven 't heard back.
What's going on?

1476
01:02:32.248 --> 01:02:33.420
Tell him I'm not gonna...

1477
01:02:33.583 --> 01:02:35.153
...make it to his party tomorrow.

1478
01:02:35.318 --> 01:02:38.094
Oh. Oh, you're not gonna make it--

1479
01:02:38.254 --> 01:02:40.234
She won't make it to your party.
Too bad.

1480
01:02:40.390 --> 01:02:42.631
What else have you been
doing behind my back?

1481
01:02:42.792 --> 01:02:44.931
Has she seen your dick?
Is it bigger than mine?

1482
01:02:45.094 --> 01:02:47.700
Kumar, you're acting ridiculous, okay?
Goodbye.

1483
01:02:47.864 --> 01:02:49.639
No, don't hang up the phone on me.

1484
01:02:50.033 --> 01:02:51.205
Hello?

1485
01:02:52.568 --> 01:02:53.945
Here's your phone.

1486
01:02:54.304 --> 01:02:55.009
What is that?

1487
01:02:55.171 --> 01:02:57.708
That's Vanessa, Todd,
Rosenberg, Uncle Yoav.

1488
01:02:57.874 --> 01:02:59.717
Does everybody know
about this party?

1489
01:02:59.876 --> 01:03:01.913
Listen, if you want you can come.

1490
01:03:02.078 --> 01:03:04.649
I don't wanna came to your
shitty-ass party, dude.

1491
01:03:04.814 --> 01:03:07.055
I can't believe you'd invite
Vanessa and not tell me.

1492
01:03:07.216 --> 01:03:08.820
Am I supposed to feel bad?

1493
01:03:08.985 --> 01:03:12.489
Maybe if you acted more like an adult,
you'd get invited to adult parties.

1494
01:03:12.655 --> 01:03:14.862
Maybe you should go back
to your fancy house...

1495
01:03:15.024 --> 01:03:17.300
...with your douchey friends
and gay-ass sconces.

1496
01:03:17.460 --> 01:03:18.939
I don't need to be part cf this.

1497
01:03:19.095 --> 01:03:20.403
I love those sconces.

1498
01:03:20.563 --> 01:03:23.043
You know, I was really happy
till you showed up today.

1499
01:03:23.199 --> 01:03:25.008
Okay. Well, then, fuck it, dude.

1500
01:03:25.168 --> 01:03:26.647
- I'm cut.
- Fine with me.

1501
01:03:26.803 --> 01:03:27.338
Fine.

1502
01:03:27.503 --> 01:03:28.743
- Cool.
- All right.

1503
01:03:28.905 --> 01:03:30.885
- Are we having lovers' quarrel?
-oh, shim.

1504
01:03:31.641 --> 01:03:32.813
[MUFFLED GRUNTING]

1505
01:03:36.546 --> 01:03:39.925
Kumar, my friend.

1506
01:03:42.852 --> 01:03:44.126
Oh, lock.

1507
01:03:44.287 --> 01:03:45.197
A WaffleBot.

1508
01:03:45.355 --> 01:03:45.992
GUSTAV:
Mary would...

1509
01:03:46.155 --> 01:03:47.600
...love one cf these.
- Uh-huh.

1510
01:03:47.757 --> 01:03:48.895
GUSTAV:
Grab it.

1511
01:03:49.058 --> 01:03:50.765
Oh, crap.

1512
01:03:56.399 --> 01:03:57.639
GUSTAV:
Wake up!

1513
01:03:58.634 --> 01:04:00.910
Wake up! Wake up!

1514
01:04:01.637 --> 01:04:02.809
Wake up.

1515
01:04:04.507 --> 01:04:06.009
- Wake up.
- Oh.

1516
01:04:06.275 --> 01:04:07.811
Oh, sun.

1517
01:04:08.011 --> 01:04:10.753
Please, I don't know what we've done,
but please let us go.

1518
01:04:10.913 --> 01:04:13.291
After you made Eiffel Tower on Mary?

1519
01:04:13.449 --> 01:04:14.792
That was a misunderstanding.

1520
01:04:14.951 --> 01:04:16.897
I'm freezing!
Give us back cur clothes.

1521
01:04:17.053 --> 01:04:18.930
Yuri, warm them up.

1522
01:04:23.559 --> 01:04:25.664
WAFFLEBOT:
Kumar.

1523
01:04:25.828 --> 01:04:26.932
KUMAR:
Please don't do that.

1524
01:04:27.096 --> 01:04:30.407
Please, please, please.
There is a very serious gas crisis...

1525
01:04:30.566 --> 01:04:32.807
...in the world. Let's discuss.
- Came on, man!

1526
01:04:32.969 --> 01:04:35.745
As they say in my country:

1527
01:04:35.905 --> 01:04:37.009
[SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN]

1528
01:04:37.173 --> 01:04:38.652
No, don't say "do svidaniya."

1529
01:04:39.175 --> 01:04:40.347
Come on.

1530
01:04:43.479 --> 01:04:44.981
You didn't get the lighter.

1531
01:04:45.148 --> 01:04:48.595
You said gasoline, Orbits and coffee.

1532
01:04:48.751 --> 01:04:49.991
Nothing about lighter.

1533
01:04:50.286 --> 01:04:51.424
GUSTAV:
You stupid...

1534
01:04:51.587 --> 01:04:53.760
...fucking moron!

1535
01:04:53.956 --> 01:04:55.458
You're such a fuck-up!

1536
01:04:57.560 --> 01:04:58.265
Oh, sun.

1537
01:04:58.795 --> 01:05:00.172
[SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN]

1538
01:05:01.764 --> 01:05:02.902
[GUSTAV SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN]

1539
01:05:06.102 --> 01:05:07.080
Hey, guys, stop!

1540
01:05:07.236 --> 01:05:09.580
Stop! Guys, guys, stop it, stop it.

1541
01:05:10.973 --> 01:05:14.284
Now, look, I understand that you guys
have your issues, okay?

1542
01:05:14.610 --> 01:05:18.581
But wasn't there a time you actually
used to get along? You might be in...

1543
01:05:18.748 --> 01:05:22.321
...a different time and place,
but that doesn't change the fact that you...

1544
01:05:22.485 --> 01:05:25.329
...have along and probably
beautiful history together.

1545
01:05:27.123 --> 01:05:30.730
Yeah, maybe one cf you fucks up
every new and again.

1546
01:05:31.194 --> 01:05:32.468
Happens.

1547
01:05:32.628 --> 01:05:35.040
Maybe he fucks up all the time.

1548
01:05:35.665 --> 01:05:38.339
Doesn't mean the other should
forget about the good times.

1549
01:05:38.734 --> 01:05:39.906
Right.

1550
01:05:41.971 --> 01:05:43.143
Right.

1551
01:05:43.306 --> 01:05:48.255
Yeah, and maybe just
because the other one...

1552
01:05:48.411 --> 01:05:50.288
...is trying to act like an adult...

1553
01:05:50.446 --> 01:05:53.154
...and be responsible
doesn't necessarily mean...

1554
01:05:53.316 --> 01:05:55.318
...that he's being a fucking chode.

1555
01:05:55.852 --> 01:05:59.459
Maybe he's been a chode,
caring more about bay windows...

1556
01:05:59.622 --> 01:06:02.068
...and sconces
than a lifetime cf friendship.

1557
01:06:04.227 --> 01:06:05.262
What do you say, guys?

1558
01:06:06.596 --> 01:06:08.598
[SOBBING]

1559
01:06:10.733 --> 01:06:12.371
- Yeah, hug it cut.
- All right.

1560
01:06:13.236 --> 01:06:13.771
Hey, guys.

1561
01:06:13.936 --> 01:06:15.711
How about you cut us cut?

1562
01:06:16.005 --> 01:06:18.042
We'll go get ourselves
a Christmas beer.

1563
01:06:18.207 --> 01:06:20.153
- A beer sounds great.
HAROLD: Awesome.

1564
01:06:20.543 --> 01:06:21.578
[CHUCKLES]

1565
01:06:21.744 --> 01:06:22.745
GUSTAV:
But first...

1566
01:06:22.912 --> 01:06:24.516
...we have some killing to do.

1567
01:06:24.680 --> 01:06:25.351
Come on!

1568
01:06:25.515 --> 01:06:27.256
After we just had that breakthrough?

1569
01:06:27.416 --> 01:06:30.727
Sorry. Say your goodbyes.
It'll all be over quick.

1570
01:06:33.055 --> 01:06:35.399
- Is this haw we die?
- I think so, dude.

1571
01:06:37.093 --> 01:06:38.094
Bye, Kumar.

1572
01:06:39.162 --> 01:06:40.539
Bye, Harold.

1573
01:06:41.063 --> 01:06:42.201
WAFFLEBOT:
Kumar.

1574
01:06:42.365 --> 01:06:43.571
Your waffles...

1575
01:06:43.733 --> 01:06:45.235
...are ready.
- WaffleBot?

1576
01:06:47.036 --> 01:06:49.448
These guys think pancakes
are better than waffles.

1577
01:06:49.739 --> 01:06:50.911
I hate...

1578
01:06:51.073 --> 01:06:52.677
...pancakes.

1579
01:06:56.679 --> 01:06:58.352
[GUN CLICKING]

1580
01:06:58.748 --> 01:07:00.250
They serve pancakes...

1581
01:07:00.416 --> 01:07:02.259
...in hell.

1582
01:07:04.153 --> 01:07:04.688
[SCREAM s]

1583
01:07:04.854 --> 01:07:05.389
Och!

1584
01:07:08.457 --> 01:07:09.663
BOTH:
Holy shit!

1585
01:07:09.825 --> 01:07:11.202
You hurt my brother!

1586
01:07:13.029 --> 01:07:14.133
[GROANS THEN YELLS]

1587
01:07:16.065 --> 01:07:16.736
[GRUNTS]

1588
01:07:16.899 --> 01:07:18.344
[BOTH LAUGH]

1589
01:07:18.534 --> 01:07:19.069
KUMAR:
Whoo!

1590
01:07:19.235 --> 01:07:20.077
[GRUNTS]

1591
01:07:20.236 --> 01:07:22.409
- How do we get cut cf these rapes?
- WaffleBot.

1592
01:07:22.572 --> 01:07:24.483
Kumar.

1593
01:07:24.941 --> 01:07:26.511
Can you untie us?

1594
01:07:26.709 --> 01:07:27.744
Battery low.

1595
01:07:27.910 --> 01:07:29.389
Losing...

1596
01:07:29.545 --> 01:07:30.683
power.

1597
01:07:30.846 --> 01:07:31.881
WaffleBot, lack at me.

1598
01:07:32.048 --> 01:07:33.118
You can do this, man.

1599
01:07:45.061 --> 01:07:47.940
- Ha, ha.
- Oh, man. Thanks, WaffleBot.

1600
01:07:48.631 --> 01:07:50.372
You're welcome, Kumar.

1601
01:07:50.533 --> 01:07:55.778
Pancakes are fucking gay.

1602
01:07:58.374 --> 01:08:01.184
Holy Shit. That is the best
Christmas toy ever.

1603
01:08:01.611 --> 01:08:03.284
HAROLD:
I guess. it's extraordinarily...

1604
01:08:03.446 --> 01:08:05.790
...unsafe, but it did save our lives.

1605
01:08:07.350 --> 01:08:08.920
- Listen, man, I--
- Man, this--

1606
01:08:09.085 --> 01:08:11.122
- Aah!
- Oh, my God.

1607
01:08:11.754 --> 01:08:13.324
Holy shit!

1608
01:08:14.023 --> 01:08:15.001
This is like that...

1609
01:08:15.157 --> 01:08:16.693
...scene from A Christmas Story.

1610
01:08:16.859 --> 01:08:18.998
Is it like the scene from
A Christmas Story?

1611
01:08:19.161 --> 01:08:20.538
I just saw this scene.

1612
01:08:20.696 --> 01:08:21.367
[HAROLD GRUNTING]

1613
01:08:21.631 --> 01:08:23.633
- Oh, fuck!
- Okay, we need...

1614
01:08:23.799 --> 01:08:26.336
...same sort cf a warm liquid.
I'll spit on it.

1615
01:08:26.502 --> 01:08:28.243
Don't fucking spit on my dick!

1616
01:08:28.404 --> 01:08:29.644
Fine. Can you pee on it?

1617
01:08:29.905 --> 01:08:31.350
Give me a second.

1618
01:08:32.141 --> 01:08:34.052
-It's not working.
- Fine, I'll pee on it.

1619
01:08:34.210 --> 01:08:35.280
Don't pee on me!

1620
01:08:35.444 --> 01:08:36.923
Jesus! Well, then what the hell do--?

1621
01:08:37.079 --> 01:08:39.423
- Oh. Our clothes.
- Oh.

1622
01:08:39.582 --> 01:08:40.890
Cool about the clothes.

1623
01:08:41.050 --> 01:08:42.893
My dick's stuck to a pale!

1624
01:08:45.254 --> 01:08:47.757
Dude, you're in luck.
There's still coffee in here.

1625
01:08:47.923 --> 01:08:49.630
Get it over here. Hurry the fuck up!

1626
01:08:49.792 --> 01:08:51.999
Okay, lock, this is scalding hat coffee.

1627
01:08:52.161 --> 01:08:55.904
Sc I'm just gonna pour a little bit on.
Probably gonna sting for a second.

1628
01:08:56.065 --> 01:08:57.476
- Get it over with!
- All right.

1629
01:08:57.667 --> 01:08:58.805
Just let me just--

1630
01:08:59.535 --> 01:09:00.445
[SCREAMING]

1631
01:09:00.670 --> 01:09:01.546
- I'm sorry.
- Fuck!

1632
01:09:01.704 --> 01:09:02.910
Oh, fuck! I'm sorry, dude!

1633
01:09:03.072 --> 01:09:04.551
Oh, God, I ruined your dick!

1634
01:09:04.707 --> 01:09:05.879
You asshole!

1635
01:09:06.042 --> 01:09:07.350
Just Walk it off.

1636
01:09:07.510 --> 01:09:09.046
Walk it off.

1637
01:09:12.982 --> 01:09:14.984
[WHISPERS] How lang are we supposed
to stay in here?

1638
01:09:15.184 --> 01:09:17.824
TODD [WHISPERS]:
Until that fucking Russian sociopathic...

1639
01:09:17.987 --> 01:09:19.261
...killing machine leaves.

1640
01:09:22.825 --> 01:09:25.237
They gave my daughter ecstasy.

1641
01:09:25.461 --> 01:09:26.701
[IN RUSSIAN]

1642
01:09:26.862 --> 01:09:29.240
I don't know Russian,
but he seems a little upset.

1643
01:09:29.398 --> 01:09:30.843
I'd say so. Shh, shh!

1644
01:09:31.200 --> 01:09:32.406
ADRIAN:
She's crashing hard.

1645
01:09:32.568 --> 01:09:34.172
We gotta give her more blow.

1646
01:09:34.337 --> 01:09:35.611
No, no! No more cocaine!

1647
01:09:35.771 --> 01:09:36.647
I need it!

1648
01:09:36.806 --> 01:09:38.843
- There's some.
- Dc not give her mare!

1649
01:09:39.008 --> 01:09:40.078
Give it to me!

1650
01:09:40.242 --> 01:09:41.312
TODD:
Ava, no! No, please!

1651
01:09:41.477 --> 01:09:42.979
Stop for Daddy. Shh, shh! Please!

1652
01:09:43.446 --> 01:09:44.618
ADRIAN:
Dude, lock.

1653
01:09:44.780 --> 01:09:45.758
Oh, this is not good!

1654
01:09:45.915 --> 01:09:47.019
Oh, this is not good.

1655
01:09:47.216 --> 01:09:48.251
Oh, this is not good!

1656
01:09:48.751 --> 01:09:51.095
Ava! Scooch to Daddy!
Hide behind Daddy!

1657
01:09:51.253 --> 01:09:53.460
ADRIAN:
New plan. Let's bash through the door.

1658
01:09:53.622 --> 01:09:54.623
You steal his gun.

1659
01:09:54.790 --> 01:09:56.770
That's the stupidest thing
I've ever heard!

1660
01:10:10.940 --> 01:10:11.611
[SNIFFS]

1661
01:10:14.143 --> 01:10:15.213
[GRUNTS]

1662
01:10:18.547 --> 01:10:19.252
TODD:
Yah!

1663
01:10:20.049 --> 01:10:22.461
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Oh, fuck me. Fuck. I'm--

1664
01:10:24.053 --> 01:10:25.361
I'm so sorry. Wow.

1665
01:10:25.521 --> 01:10:28.127
I thought that would
knock you out, obviously.

1666
01:10:28.290 --> 01:10:29.462
Lack. We are...

1667
01:10:29.625 --> 01:10:30.899
...two reasonable guys...

1668
01:10:31.060 --> 01:10:32.767
...and...

1669
01:10:32.928 --> 01:10:34.271
[OBJECT THUMPS]

1670
01:10:35.064 --> 01:10:35.838
[THUDS]

1671
01:10:37.533 --> 01:10:40.343
These are dangerous,
but, aw, it's a great workout.

1672
01:10:40.503 --> 01:10:42.483
You can really feel it.

1673
01:10:42.638 --> 01:10:45.380
Bis, pecs, this one.

1674
01:10:45.641 --> 01:10:47.211
TODD:
Thank you, Adrian.

1675
01:10:47.376 --> 01:10:49.219
That was a really great team effort.

1676
01:10:49.378 --> 01:10:51.187
Who's my sidekick? You are.

1677
01:10:51.347 --> 01:10:51.950
Let's go.

1678
01:10:52.114 --> 01:10:54.993
Good girl! Let's go home!
Let's go see Santa.

1679
01:10:55.418 --> 01:10:56.158
Oh, mints!

1680
01:10:58.254 --> 01:10:58.994
Mm.

1681
01:11:01.157 --> 01:11:02.659
HAROLD:
Where the fuck are we?

1682
01:11:02.825 --> 01:11:05.533
Those guys weren't kidding.
We're in the middle cf nowhere.

1683
01:11:07.196 --> 01:11:08.300
Dc you have any bars?

1684
01:11:08.731 --> 01:11:10.870
- I get no bars.
- Shit. Nothing here.

1685
01:11:11.300 --> 01:11:12.574
Hello?

1686
01:11:14.203 --> 01:11:15.876
Anybody here?

1687
01:11:16.605 --> 01:11:17.879
Forget it. Just--

1688
01:11:18.340 --> 01:11:19.717
Forget it. it's past 2 a.m.

1689
01:11:19.875 --> 01:11:22.719
They're home, wandering where I am,
where the tree is.

1690
01:11:22.878 --> 01:11:24.050
I just--

1691
01:11:24.847 --> 01:11:26.918
it's such a disaster, this fucking night.

1692
01:11:27.082 --> 01:11:29.062
Yeah, you have no fucking idea, dude.

1693
01:11:29.218 --> 01:11:30.458
No. When Maria's dad...

1694
01:11:30.619 --> 01:11:33.122
...was a young boy in Medellin--
- Vanessa's pregnant.

1695
01:11:33.522 --> 01:11:34.728
What?

1696
01:11:34.890 --> 01:11:37.632
She told me earlier today.
My reaction was not awesome.

1697
01:11:38.461 --> 01:11:41.067
I thought weed stunted fertility.
That's why I quit.

1698
01:11:41.230 --> 01:11:43.642
Yeah. Tell that to Snoop's kids.

1699
01:11:43.833 --> 01:11:45.938
Wait a second,
that's why you quit weed?

1700
01:11:46.202 --> 01:11:47.647
Yeah, that's why I--

1701
01:11:49.104 --> 01:11:52.574
We've been trying for like a ...
For a year.

1702
01:11:52.741 --> 01:11:54.049
Oh, man.

1703
01:11:54.210 --> 01:11:56.349
Now I feel even worse about your dick.

1704
01:11:56.545 --> 01:11:57.785
I don't wanna--

1705
01:11:57.947 --> 01:11:59.051
How do we get cut?

1706
01:12:01.717 --> 01:12:02.718
I get an idea.

1707
01:12:05.554 --> 01:12:07.090
I saw this in a movie, man.

1708
01:12:07.256 --> 01:12:09.634
Just shoot this motherfucker,
people come.

1709
01:12:09.792 --> 01:12:10.793
We can find people.

1710
01:12:10.960 --> 01:12:13.270
No, it's fine. Aah!

1711
01:12:17.266 --> 01:12:17.971
Now what?

1712
01:12:18.634 --> 01:12:19.772
I don't know.

1713
01:12:20.469 --> 01:12:21.812
[MAN GROANING]

1714
01:12:23.639 --> 01:12:24.982
No fucking way.

1715
01:12:35.451 --> 01:12:36.794
Santa, can you hear me?

1716
01:12:36.952 --> 01:12:38.431
Oh, what the fuck?

1717
01:12:38.587 --> 01:12:42.091
Lie still. You've been in a terrible accident.
I'm gonna take a closer lock.

1718
01:12:44.026 --> 01:12:44.663
Oh, God!

1719
01:12:44.827 --> 01:12:45.669
This isn't good.

1720
01:12:45.828 --> 01:12:47.171
Mr. Claus, can you feel...

1721
01:12:47.329 --> 01:12:47.898
...any cf this?

1722
01:12:48.063 --> 01:12:49.167
[BOTH YELL]

1723
01:12:49.632 --> 01:12:51.134
SANTA:
Just let me die, please!

1724
01:12:51.300 --> 01:12:52.677
Let me die in peace!

1725
01:12:52.835 --> 01:12:55.509
No. Nobody's dying, Claus.
Not on my watch.

1726
01:12:55.671 --> 01:12:58.345
Listen to me. I need you to go
into Santa's gift bag...

1727
01:12:58.507 --> 01:13:00.714
...get as many medical supplies
as you can.

1728
01:13:11.186 --> 01:13:12.290
Oh, God!

1729
01:13:14.223 --> 01:13:15.361
Aah!

1730
01:13:18.294 --> 01:13:19.739
KUMAR:
Ah, there.

1731
01:13:20.062 --> 01:13:21.234
I think that'll do it.

1732
01:13:21.463 --> 01:13:22.737
How do you feel, Mr. Claus?

1733
01:13:22.932 --> 01:13:24.809
Uh, a little woozy.

1734
01:13:24.967 --> 01:13:26.571
The morphine. It'll wear off.

1735
01:13:26.735 --> 01:13:28.942
Nice. But I...

1736
01:13:29.104 --> 01:13:30.082
...think I'm okay.

1737
01:13:30.239 --> 01:13:33.448
Lack, Santa, we're so sorry.

1738
01:13:33.609 --> 01:13:35.885
Oh, I know it wasn't your fault.

1739
01:13:36.045 --> 01:13:38.286
You two have always been good boys.

1740
01:13:39.081 --> 01:13:40.685
Tell that to my father-in-law.

1741
01:13:40.849 --> 01:13:43.659
Hey, man, I can take the blame
for that, all right?

1742
01:13:43.819 --> 01:13:45.890
Listen, I'd love to stay and chat...

1743
01:13:46.055 --> 01:13:49.127
...but I'm running a little late
and I have all these...

1744
01:13:49.291 --> 01:13:51.168
...presents to deliver.

1745
01:13:51.327 --> 01:13:53.329
So you guys need a ride
or something?

1746
01:13:53.829 --> 01:13:54.967
Seriously?

1747
01:13:55.431 --> 01:13:57.672
KUMAR:
Ha, ha. Dude, this is awesome!

1748
01:13:57.833 --> 01:13:59.540
It's not not awesome!

1749
01:14:00.169 --> 01:14:01.477
On, Blitzen! Hyah!

1750
01:14:02.071 --> 01:14:03.311
[SANTA CHUCKLES]

1751
01:14:04.073 --> 01:14:05.746
[HAROLD & KUMAR YELLING]

1752
01:14:13.282 --> 01:14:14.784
[SANTA CHUCKLES]

1753
01:14:17.419 --> 01:14:18.591
Thanks for the ride.

1754
01:14:19.254 --> 01:14:20.028
I'm guessing...

1755
01:14:20.189 --> 01:14:22.362
...you don't have a 12-fact Fraser fir?

1756
01:14:22.625 --> 01:14:24.127
Sorry. I can't help you there.

1757
01:14:24.627 --> 01:14:25.367
Besides...

1758
01:14:25.527 --> 01:14:27.029
...I gave you your present.

1759
01:14:27.196 --> 01:14:28.869
- You did?
SANTA: Yes.

1760
01:14:29.031 --> 01:14:30.271
You get my package, right?

1761
01:14:30.432 --> 01:14:31.103
The joint?

1762
01:14:31.634 --> 01:14:32.874
- That was you?
SANTA: Yeah.

1763
01:14:33.035 --> 01:14:35.777
It was my little way cf bringing
you bays back together.

1764
01:14:38.540 --> 01:14:39.109
Dude...

1765
01:14:39.408 --> 01:14:41.649
...I'd really like it
if you came over tomorrow.

1766
01:14:41.877 --> 01:14:43.618
Won't be a party unless you're there.

1767
01:14:43.779 --> 01:14:45.918
It's about fucking time, Roldy.

1768
01:14:46.315 --> 01:14:48.056
I wouldn't miss it, man.

1769
01:14:51.820 --> 01:14:54.562
By the way, for what it's worth...

1770
01:14:55.024 --> 01:14:56.401
...you'd make a great dad.

1771
01:14:57.893 --> 01:14:58.667
SANTA:
Well, I guess...

1772
01:14:58.827 --> 01:15:01.034
...this is goodbye, Roldy.
Be a good bay...

1773
01:15:01.196 --> 01:15:02.106
...next year.

1774
01:15:02.264 --> 01:15:03.265
All right.

1775
01:15:03.432 --> 01:15:06.470
No more jerking off into a sack
filled with baby powder.

1776
01:15:06.802 --> 01:15:09.476
.L..
SANTA: Ha, ha. Don't worry.

1777
01:15:09.638 --> 01:15:11.242
I'm just teasing you.

1778
01:15:11.407 --> 01:15:12.750
I do it too.

1779
01:15:12.908 --> 01:15:13.579
[LAUGHS]

1780
01:15:16.245 --> 01:15:21.160
On, Prancer! On, Comet!
On, Blitzen! Hyah!

1781
01:15:21.950 --> 01:15:22.894



1782
01:15:23.786 --> 01:15:25.766
Merry Christmas, Roldy!

1783
01:15:37.066 --> 01:15:38.204
MR. PEREZ:
Where's the tree?

1784
01:15:44.373 --> 01:15:45.113
It's, um ...

1785
01:15:45.774 --> 01:15:47.879
Okay, what happened is that, um ...

1786
01:15:48.811 --> 01:15:50.188
You said you were going to...

1787
01:15:50.345 --> 01:15:52.951
...take care cf it.
Now where's the tree?

1788
01:15:53.115 --> 01:15:55.618
What happened to the tree is, uh...

1789
01:15:56.585 --> 01:15:58.030
...I kind cf burned it dawn.

1790
01:16:00.022 --> 01:16:01.865
That tree was a Perez...

1791
01:16:02.024 --> 01:16:03.697
...family tradition.

1792
01:16:03.859 --> 01:16:05.805
You ruined Christmas!

1793
01:16:06.095 --> 01:16:08.234
Ha, ha. I ruined your--?

1794
01:16:08.397 --> 01:16:09.899
You ruined my Christmas, man!

1795
01:16:10.365 --> 01:16:12.675
Heh, heh. Dc you know what happened?

1796
01:16:12.835 --> 01:16:16.510
Uh, I inadvertently introduced
a baby to cocaine.

1797
01:16:16.672 --> 01:16:20.210
I was almost burned alive
by Ukrainian gangsters.

1798
01:16:20.375 --> 01:16:21.911
I was drugged by...

1799
01:16:22.077 --> 01:16:25.251
...asshole teenagers. Then I danced
in a Christmas extravaganza.

1800
01:16:25.414 --> 01:16:27.360
And I'm a terrible dancer.

1801
01:16:27.516 --> 01:16:29.052
I almost had my dick ripped off.

1802
01:16:29.418 --> 01:16:30.590
And then I shot...

1803
01:16:30.753 --> 01:16:34.530
...Santa Claus in the fucking face.
He's real, and I shot him in the face.

1804
01:16:34.690 --> 01:16:35.430
Why?

1805
01:16:36.525 --> 01:16:37.731
Because I wanted you...

1806
01:16:37.893 --> 01:16:40.567
...to have a perfect
fucking Christmas.

1807
01:16:40.996 --> 01:16:42.498
Now, here's a newsflash:

1808
01:16:42.664 --> 01:16:44.644
This is my house.

1809
01:16:44.800 --> 01:16:46.871
Maria is my wife.

1810
01:16:47.035 --> 01:16:50.016
And if you want to be in our family...

1811
01:16:50.272 --> 01:16:52.843
...you best show me some
fucking respect.

1812
01:16:55.511 --> 01:16:56.751
Is that too much?

1813
01:16:59.281 --> 01:17:00.282
I like it.

1814
01:17:00.449 --> 01:17:01.860
- Really?
- Lack.

1815
01:17:02.217 --> 01:17:04.288
I always knew you were a nice guy.

1816
01:17:04.553 --> 01:17:06.931
But that's not enough
to be with my Maria.

1817
01:17:07.089 --> 01:17:08.432
I didn't want her to be...

1818
01:17:08.590 --> 01:17:10.228
...with some wimpy pussy.

1819
01:17:11.226 --> 01:17:12.170
But you ...

1820
01:17:12.327 --> 01:17:14.170
You showed me you get cojones.

1821
01:17:14.329 --> 01:17:15.239
Testicles, right?

1822
01:17:16.565 --> 01:17:17.543
Rosetta Stone.

1823
01:17:18.867 --> 01:17:20.403
- You know what?
- What's that?

1824
01:17:20.803 --> 01:17:22.282
This coming Easter...

1825
01:17:23.739 --> 01:17:25.480
...you guys came to my house.

1826
01:17:25.674 --> 01:17:28.883
That would really be great.
Thank you, Carlos.

1827
01:17:29.044 --> 01:17:29.749
Mr. Perez.

1828
01:17:29.912 --> 01:17:30.982
Mr. Perez.

1829
01:17:31.146 --> 01:17:32.147
[GULPS]

1830
01:17:44.459 --> 01:17:45.631
KUMAR:
Fuck!

1831
01:17:46.695 --> 01:17:47.298
Kumar!

1832
01:17:47.462 --> 01:17:48.440
Jesus!

1833
01:17:48.597 --> 01:17:52.909
I'm sorry. I was gonna use the doorbell
but I didn't want to wake your parents.

1834
01:17:53.068 --> 01:17:55.344
What--? What are you doing?
You can't just--

1835
01:17:55.504 --> 01:17:56.847
Hold on. There's something...

1836
01:17:57.005 --> 01:17:58.416
...I need to say to you, okay?

1837
01:17:58.574 --> 01:18:01.987
When you told me you were pregnant,
I admit I was scared as shit.

1838
01:18:02.511 --> 01:18:04.821
The more I think about it,
the more excited I am.

1839
01:18:05.280 --> 01:18:06.816
I mean, I love kids.

1840
01:18:07.216 --> 01:18:08.752
That's because you are a kid.

1841
01:18:08.917 --> 01:18:12.694
I know. But ... Lack, if you
give me another chance...

1842
01:18:12.855 --> 01:18:17.361
...I promise you I will go back to the
medical board, I'll get my job back.

1843
01:18:17.526 --> 01:18:19.199
I'll even quit weed if I have to.

1844
01:18:19.361 --> 01:18:20.601
You'd quit weed?

1845
01:18:20.762 --> 01:18:23.368
Of course. I would do anything for you.

1846
01:18:23.532 --> 01:18:26.342
When I saw what Harold did
for his family tonight...

1847
01:18:26.501 --> 01:18:28.811
...it made me realize
haw important you are to me.

1848
01:18:28.971 --> 01:18:31.474
I wish I would've realized that sooner.

1849
01:18:31.840 --> 01:18:33.319
You don't have to do this.

1850
01:18:34.276 --> 01:18:36.017
I know I don't have to.

1851
01:18:36.845 --> 01:18:38.188
I want to.

1852
01:18:43.952 --> 01:18:45.022
Dc me a favor.

1853
01:18:45.187 --> 01:18:46.291
Yeah, anything.

1854
01:18:48.790 --> 01:18:50.133
Don't quit weed.

1855
01:18:50.292 --> 01:18:51.566
What?

1856
01:18:51.760 --> 01:18:54.570
Just remember,
next time you take a drug test...

1857
01:18:54.763 --> 01:18:55.901
...use my pee.

1858
01:18:56.899 --> 01:18:58.037
I love you.

1859
01:18:58.500 --> 01:18:59.808
I love you too.

1860
01:19:04.473 --> 01:19:06.919
Let's have some sex
before you get all fat on me.

1861
01:19:07.075 --> 01:19:08.281
[VANESSA CHUCKLING]

1862
01:19:22.024 --> 01:19:23.833
MARIA:
Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

1863
01:19:23.992 --> 01:19:25.938
Harold! Wake up! Baby.

1864
01:19:27.429 --> 01:19:29.602
-It's pink.
- Oh, my God.

1865
01:19:29.798 --> 01:19:31.937
-It's pink.
-It's a miracle.

1866
01:19:32.701 --> 01:19:33.736
It's a miracle.

1867
01:19:33.902 --> 01:19:34.937
[MR. PEREZ SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

1868
01:19:35.103 --> 01:19:36.207
MR. PEREZ:
it's a miracle!

1869
01:19:36.371 --> 01:19:37.611
It's a miracle!

1870
01:19:38.073 --> 01:19:40.713
Isn't this the most beautiful tree
you've ever seen?

1871
01:19:41.176 --> 01:19:43.247
I came downstairs this morning...

1872
01:19:43.412 --> 01:19:44.891
...and here she was.

1873
01:19:49.184 --> 01:19:50.390
God bless us, everyone!

1874
01:19:51.086 --> 01:19:52.656
[ALL GASP]

1875
01:19:54.523 --> 01:19:56.833
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

1876
01:21:08.697 --> 01:21:12.110
Ho-ho-ho! Merry Christmas!

1877
01:21:12.267 --> 01:21:13.940
[LAUGHS]

1878
01:29:34.602 --> 01:29:36.604
[English - us - SDH]