WEBVTT FILE

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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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- [rock music playing]
- [audience cheering and applauding]

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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[announcer] <i>Please welcome
Chelsea Handler.</i>

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[cheering and applause continues]

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Oh my God!

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Oh, hello, New Jersey.

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Welcome!

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[cheering and applause continues]

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I'm just trying to identify
my homosexual guests in the crowd tonight.

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- I don't...
- [cheering]

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Hello, hello.

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The men? Okay, yeah.

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You're straight, sir.
I can tell by your outfit.

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But you are gay.

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Thank you and welcome.
Thank you for being here.

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Where are the other homosexuals?
Have you already been segregated? What--

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[cheering]

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Okay, thank you, thank you. I have so...

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I have my entire career to thank
to homosexual men and women.

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Thank you.

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[cheering and applause]

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And I also wanna shout out
homosexual men specifically

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for all of the contributions
that you guys have made to society

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that go unnoticed and underappreciated.

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Do you guys remember
when monkeypox came on the scene?

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[audience laughing]

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No, you fucking don't. You know why?

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Because every gay man went
and got vaccinated inside of 30 days

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so that the rest of us straight people
never had to deal with monkeypox.

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[cheering and applause]

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That's what they did for our communities.

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I was excited
when monkeypox came on the scene.

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I was excited about a new pandemic.
New parameters, new rules.

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[audience laughing]

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I remember the CDC was...
was on TV one morning,

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saying the two ways
to avoid contracting monkeypox

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were to by A, avoid anal penetration.

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As if it just sneaks up on you
at the bank.

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[audience laughing]

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"Oh, whoopsie! Oh-hoo-hoo!"

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[audience laughs]

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Or B, avoid sharing a towel.

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- [Chelsea chuckles]
- [audience laughs]

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First of all, if you're doing anal,
you're sharing a fucking towel, assholes.

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- [audience laughing]
- But we didn't have to deal with that.

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I didn't have to deal
with finding out about monkeypox

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because of what gay men did
for this country.

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They are patriots, and I am so appre...

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That's... They got rid
of monkeypox so quickly

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that I realized I was missing out...

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[audience laughing]

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...on anal penetration.

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I was like, "If these guys are so excited
to get back to something, I wanna try it."

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And guess what? Anal penetration
isn't just for homosexual men anymore.

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It's trending,
and you might wanna give it a whirl.

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[audience laughs]

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It can be a big pill to swallow
in the beginning, but you never know.

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[audience laughs]

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And my hope here tonight is for couples
who have been together for a long time...

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Have you guys ever done anal?

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- [audience laughing]
- Okay.

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So my hope here for tonight
is for newer couples, older couples,

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to go home, look at each other, and think,

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"Let's try anal
and think of Chelsea Handler."

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I want that to happen.

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[scattered cheering and applause]

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For people who are first-timers
and you're not with someone,

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but you're also looking
to get anally penetrated tonight,

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I want you to have a strategy, okay?

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You have to pick a medium-to-small male.

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[audience laughing]

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Can't do that with 50 Cent.

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- Mm-mm.
- [surprised laughter]

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Jo Koy maybe, but not 50 Cent.

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- [surprised laughter]
- [scattered cheering and applause]

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The other upside
to anal penetration... [laughs]

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[audience laughing]

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...is that there is a 90% chance
you will not get pregnant,

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and I love those odds.

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[audience laughing]

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I have a friend who's always like,
"Chelsea, you're not gonna have a baby?"

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"You're gonna die alone."

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I hope so.

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[audience laughs]

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What, you think I wanna drag a bunch
of innocent children down with me?

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My baby's on my deathbed
being like, "Mommy, don't go!"

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As soon as I get diagnosed
with any mild disease,

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I'm gonna have my favorite drug dealer

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put me down in the back of a barn
like a fuckin' horse, okay?

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[scattered applause]

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I'm not trying to stick around any longer.

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[audience chuckling]

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People think I hate children.
I don't hate children. I don't.

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If you want one, go get one, you know?
Good luck with that.

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I don't care. I just don't want them
so close by me, you know, all the time.

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The real reason I don't want children
is not because I hate them.

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It's just because I found the whole thesis
of childhood so insulting. Like...

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I was so annoyed when I was born.

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- I remember being born.
- [audience laughing]

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I remember being in that hospital room,
shooting out of my mother's Pikachu.

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And I remember
these bright lights everywhere

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and then someone smacking me on the ass,

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and just thinking,
"Are you fucking kidding me?"

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[audience laughs]

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And then I came home to my "family,"

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and there were already, like,
five other kids there.

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And I remember looking at my parents like,
"Who the fuck is in charge around here?"

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"Do I have a dowry?"

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"Like, how the fuck am I going
to upwardly mobilize out of this shit?"

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[audience laughs]

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I had a problem right away, you know.

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I grew up watching <i>The Brady Bunch,</i>
like I'm sure many of you, right?

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With the six kids
and the mother and the father

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and then the housekeeper, Alice.

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I was like, "Where the fuck is our Alice?"

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[audience laughing]

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I couldn't stand my family.

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I couldn't stand my father.
He was an asshole.

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I knew that right away.

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And I was like... I was in this baby body,
but I felt like a woman, you know?

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- [audience laughing]
- I felt womanly.

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Like I wanted to start a business.
Catering or something, you know?

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[audience laughing]

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And my dad and I would just go at it
from a very early age.

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So we're not on the same page at all.

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And then,
when I was around seven years old,

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he's like, "We have to take her
to Disney World or something,

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so that she can see
how other children behave, you know."

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"Something's missing.
Something's wrong with her."

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And so my parents decided
to take us all to Disney World

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when I was seven years old,
which meant we were gonna take...

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My dad was a used car dealer,

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so that meant we were gonna drive
from New Jersey to Florida

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in my dad's blue and white molester van.

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[audience laughing]

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With no motel or hotel reservations.

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My dad didn't ever think about
anything like that.

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He would just pull over at whatever
Econo Lodge or Amber alert hotel he found.

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And we'd pull into, like,
a Holiday Inn Express,

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and it would say in big neon lettering,
"No vacancies."

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And my dad would pop out
of the car enthusiastic.

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Then I would pop out of the car after him,
like, "Hey, Stevie Wonder."

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"Did you see the fuckin' sign?"

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[audience laughing]

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"You dumbass."

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[audience laughs]

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I couldn't believe
the incompetence of my parents.

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Then we got to Disney World.
That's a farce too.

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Just a bunch of grown men
dressed like mice.

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Are you kidding me?

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[audience laughs]

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Even at seven, I was looking for a bar.

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[audience laughing]

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The most intriguing thing
I saw at Disney World

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was there was
this other seven-year-old boy.

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Girls and boys age at different paces,

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so he may as well have been
two months old.

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[audience laughing]

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And he was face down on the cement
at Disney World,

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and he was kicking and screaming,
and he was throwing a tantrum.

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And I remember the feeling I had.

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I remember looking at him,
and I was envious.

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I was like, "Oh."

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- "Are we allowed to do that? Like..."
- [audience laughing]

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"That's how I feel," you know.

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And I came home from that trip
after I saw that kid throw a tantrum.

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I was like, "Hmm,
I'm more interested in that."

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And then I went
to kindergarten or first grade,

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whatever you're in when you're seven.

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And then there was this boy, Aaron.
He was on the playground.

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I came back from that trip and saw him
in the corner of the playground.

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And he was, like, sitting
in the corner of the playground going,

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"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,
fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck."

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"Fuck, fuck, fuck.
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit."

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And Mrs. Keenan, our teacher,

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was standing across from him
and very sweet about it.

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Like, she was very understanding.

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And I walked over. I was like,
"What is going on over here, Mrs. Keenan?"

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You know? "Why is Aaron
allowed to speak like that?"

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And she said,
"Oh, Aaron has Tourette's syndrome."

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And I was like,
"I would also like to get that."

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[audience laughing]

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And you have to understand,
my dad was so against me.

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He made me read <i>Anna Karenina</i> by Tolstoy
when I was fucking seven,

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'cause he thought
that would keep me out of trouble.

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That woman kills herself
by jumping in front of a train

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because she doesn't have a boyfriend,
you know?

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[audience laughing]

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He made me read <i>Moby-Dick</i>,
which is 1,300 pages,

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when I was seven years old,
and I had to give a book report.

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I would go in to school, and they would be
like, "Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall."

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And I'd be like,
"Which one, China or Berlin?" Like...

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[audience laughing]

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I'd come home to my father.

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I'm like, "You have to dumb it down.
I can't relate to my fucking colleagues."

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[audience laughing]

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I went to the library,
got a book about Tourette's.

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I read that in fucking 30 seconds.

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I was like, "I like all of these points."

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I came home that day.
I was like, "I have Tourette Syndrome."

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And I waited. I waited.
I sat at the dinner table.

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My mom and my dad would come home
from his non-"job" of selling used cars

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that were all in our fuckin' driveway.

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And my dad came home,
and I could not wait.

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I was sitting on the edge of my seat.

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I sat at the dinner table waiting
for, like, 40 minutes.

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I was like... [groans]

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Practicing all my new words.

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- [audience laughing]
- And then my dad sat down across from me.

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I'm like, "Fuck you, pussy motherfucker,
ass, cock. You suck! You suck cock!"

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[trills lips]

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And then I threw in a hard double squint.
I went... [grunts]

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Like, "I picked up a tic, too,
so back the fuck up, asshole."

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[audience laughing]

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I slept like a baby that night.

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[audience laughing]

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Then, when I was eight years old,
I broke my arm.

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This was a pivotal moment in my life.

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We had a summer house
on Martha's Vineyard.

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I know that makes us sound wealthy.
We weren't.

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I don't know how my dad got that house.
I'm sure he stole it from somebody.

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[audience laughing]

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But I broke my arm, and I was outside.

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I tripped over our dog,
whose name was Muttley.

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And when I broke my arm,
I saw my bone coming out of my...

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My elbow bone was outside of my arm.

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And my brother Glen came
and scooped me up.

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He's like, "Oh my God, are you okay?"
And I'm like, "I don't think so."

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"You know, like, this is...
I'm, like... I don't even know."

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"Do they have insurance?
Like, what do we do next?"

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[audience laughs]

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And he picked me up
and brought me up to my parents.

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My father looked at the bone coming out
of my arm and said, "We should ice it."

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[audience laughing]

236
00:11:02.870 --> 00:11:05.538
And I remember just...
I had had it, you know? I had had it.

237
00:11:05.539 --> 00:11:07.248
I was eight. I was like, "Are you..."

238
00:11:07.249 --> 00:11:11.252
"I don't have time
for these kinds of shenanigans, okay?"

239
00:11:11.253 --> 00:11:14.005
I looked at my mother,
and I looked at my father, and I said,

240
00:11:14.006 --> 00:11:16.966
"Who the fuck is in charge around here?"

241
00:11:16.967 --> 00:11:19.678
"The two of you are like an ashtray
on a motorcycle."

242
00:11:19.679 --> 00:11:22.639
"I have to go to a hospital now."

243
00:11:22.640 --> 00:11:23.932
[audience laughing]

244
00:11:23.933 --> 00:11:26.976
And I went to the hospital
with my brother Glen,

245
00:11:26.977 --> 00:11:29.396
and I got a cast, and this was exciting.

246
00:11:29.397 --> 00:11:32.649
'Cause then I had something physical
to threaten people with.

247
00:11:32.650 --> 00:11:34.693
The cast started from here
and went to here.

248
00:11:34.694 --> 00:11:38.154
I'd never felt more powerful in my life.
Like a gladiator, you know?

249
00:11:38.155 --> 00:11:40.949
I came home and started to threaten
my brothers and sisters,

250
00:11:40.950 --> 00:11:42.033
who are much older.

251
00:11:42.034 --> 00:11:44.536
But they were humoring me,
but it didn't matter.

252
00:11:44.537 --> 00:11:46.663
I felt dominion. I was like, "Yes."

253
00:11:46.664 --> 00:11:51.167
And I remember organizing our dinner table
on Martha's Vineyard one summer night.

254
00:11:51.168 --> 00:11:54.629
And I was telling my brother,
"You sit there, and you sit there."

255
00:11:54.630 --> 00:11:57.215
And then I told my father,
"You sit facing the wall."

256
00:11:57.216 --> 00:11:58.426
[audience laughing]

257
00:11:59.009 --> 00:12:01.137
"And think about what you've done,"
you know.

258
00:12:01.637 --> 00:12:03.139
And then I sat down,

259
00:12:03.848 --> 00:12:07.434
and I slammed my cast down,
and it hit the top of my Pikachu.

260
00:12:07.435 --> 00:12:09.686
And I was like, "Ow," you know?

261
00:12:09.687 --> 00:12:11.938
And then it slid down, like,
two more centimeters,

262
00:12:11.939 --> 00:12:14.899
and I was like, "Brrrrrr."

263
00:12:14.900 --> 00:12:17.694
- "What is that zone?"
- [audience laughing]

264
00:12:17.695 --> 00:12:21.574
And I went up that night and found out
exactly what that zone was.

265
00:12:22.324 --> 00:12:25.702
And I came home for the fall. We would
spend the summers on the Vineyard.

266
00:12:25.703 --> 00:12:27.704
I came home to New Jersey that fall.

267
00:12:27.705 --> 00:12:30.665
Now I was like... I was eight years old,
I was about to turn nine,

268
00:12:30.666 --> 00:12:33.293
and my best friend, Jodi Repati, said,

269
00:12:33.294 --> 00:12:39.174
"We're having a back-to-school sleepover
at my house on Friday night at 7:30."

270
00:12:39.175 --> 00:12:43.011
She goes, "Everyone's gonna come over,
and we're all gonna get the feeling."

271
00:12:43.012 --> 00:12:46.014
[audience laughing]

272
00:12:46.015 --> 00:12:49.226
I didn't know what the feeling was,
but I was like, "I'll fucking find out."

273
00:12:49.810 --> 00:12:53.063
"I'm not gonna run with the wrong crew.
I know how to fucking be cool."

274
00:12:53.564 --> 00:12:57.651
I walk in,
and there are nine eight-year-old girls

275
00:12:58.152 --> 00:13:00.862
face down in their sleeping bags,

276
00:13:00.863 --> 00:13:02.405
just going like this...

277
00:13:02.406 --> 00:13:04.492
[audience laughing]

278
00:13:07.578 --> 00:13:09.370
I was like, "Let's fucking go!"

279
00:13:09.371 --> 00:13:12.248
[audience laughing]

280
00:13:12.249 --> 00:13:14.042
I couldn't get enough of myself.

281
00:13:14.043 --> 00:13:16.795
I showed up at that sleepover at 7:30,

282
00:13:16.796 --> 00:13:21.884
and I didn't get up from that position
until 7:30 a.m.,

283
00:13:22.468 --> 00:13:25.094
when Jodi's mom
tapped me on the shoulder and said,

284
00:13:25.095 --> 00:13:27.138
"Honey, we're gonna need you to leave."

285
00:13:27.139 --> 00:13:28.556
[audience laughing]

286
00:13:28.557 --> 00:13:31.811
I left that sleepover,
I had rug burns on my forehead.

287
00:13:32.561 --> 00:13:36.773
I was so thirsty and dehydrated
from sweating so much into my pajamas.

288
00:13:36.774 --> 00:13:39.609
I was like,
"Does anyone have a Capri-Sun, please?"

289
00:13:39.610 --> 00:13:41.445
[audience laughing]

290
00:13:42.530 --> 00:13:43.905
And when you're that young,

291
00:13:43.906 --> 00:13:47.408
you're eight or nine years old,
you're masturbating, you're not really--

292
00:13:47.409 --> 00:13:50.495
You don't even know what you're doing
is masturbating.

293
00:13:50.496 --> 00:13:54.457
You're just like, "This feels amazing.
Like, why didn't anyone tell me about it?"

294
00:13:54.458 --> 00:13:56.251
[scattered laughter]

295
00:13:56.252 --> 00:14:00.213
You're not making direct contact
with your Pikachu, you know?

296
00:14:00.214 --> 00:14:03.341
Like, you want a thicker material.
Like, the thicker, the better.

297
00:14:03.342 --> 00:14:04.551
You want some traction.

298
00:14:04.552 --> 00:14:08.180
You want, like, a corduroy
or a thick denim.

299
00:14:08.931 --> 00:14:12.183
Or what's underneath a boat.
A rudder. You want a rudder.

300
00:14:12.184 --> 00:14:13.226
You want, like, a wall.

301
00:14:13.227 --> 00:14:16.145
You see a corner, and you're like,
"I'm gonna fucking get you."

302
00:14:16.146 --> 00:14:18.232
[audience laughing]

303
00:14:19.859 --> 00:14:21.693
And when no one says anything to you,

304
00:14:21.694 --> 00:14:24.321
like, "Hey, stop jerking off,
you fucking pig,"

305
00:14:24.822 --> 00:14:27.658
you don't think that anyone even knows
what you're doing.

306
00:14:28.158 --> 00:14:29.868
So I just did it all the time.

307
00:14:29.869 --> 00:14:31.160
[audience laughing]

308
00:14:31.161 --> 00:14:33.496
I'd come home from school.
I had a banana-seat bicycle.

309
00:14:33.497 --> 00:14:36.291
- Now we know what those were for.
- [audience laughing]

310
00:14:36.292 --> 00:14:37.625
I had a banana-seat bicycle.

311
00:14:37.626 --> 00:14:41.880
I'd go on little... little "errands"
with my fake family that I created,

312
00:14:41.881 --> 00:14:44.632
that I would go and drop off
at lacrosse and volleyball.

313
00:14:44.633 --> 00:14:46.551
I had two fake "children,"

314
00:14:46.552 --> 00:14:48.052
Lucas and Siddiqua.

315
00:14:48.053 --> 00:14:49.429
[audience laughing]

316
00:14:49.430 --> 00:14:51.097
Two different dads, obviously.

317
00:14:51.098 --> 00:14:52.140
[audience laughing]

318
00:14:52.141 --> 00:14:54.809
I would take my banana-seat bicycle,
I would hit a pothole,

319
00:14:54.810 --> 00:14:56.853
and just fuckin' ride it
for, like, 30 minutes.

320
00:14:56.854 --> 00:14:57.854
[audience laughing]

321
00:14:57.855 --> 00:15:00.732
My neighbor called my mom,
"Your daughter's been in our pothole

322
00:15:00.733 --> 00:15:03.318
in front of our living room window
for 45 minutes."

323
00:15:03.319 --> 00:15:05.445
[audience laughing]

324
00:15:05.446 --> 00:15:08.698
When I got home that night, my mom's like,
"Where have you been?" "Traffic."

325
00:15:08.699 --> 00:15:10.784
[audience laughing]

326
00:15:11.994 --> 00:15:14.871
I'd go into school,
I'd go into math class,

327
00:15:14.872 --> 00:15:16.956
and they had those desks
with the apertures,

328
00:15:16.957 --> 00:15:18.166
the openings on the desk,

329
00:15:18.167 --> 00:15:20.627
and I'd have a Trapper Keeper in the desk

330
00:15:20.628 --> 00:15:23.296
and a ruler in the Trapper Keeper.

331
00:15:23.297 --> 00:15:25.924
And I would take the ruler,
and I could always do one spin.

332
00:15:25.925 --> 00:15:28.509
I'd call it "a spin."
I'm like, "Do I have time for a spin?"

333
00:15:28.510 --> 00:15:30.386
- And I would...
- [audience laughing]

334
00:15:30.387 --> 00:15:33.139
I would take the ruler,
and I'd be like, "Brrrrr. You know?

335
00:15:33.140 --> 00:15:36.100
I could do one round and remain alert,
you know? Like...

336
00:15:36.101 --> 00:15:37.185
[audience laughing]

337
00:15:37.186 --> 00:15:40.396
I wouldn't start sweating.
I'd be like, "Yeah." Like...

338
00:15:40.397 --> 00:15:42.899
[scattered laughter]

339
00:15:42.900 --> 00:15:45.652
So I'd always do one.
I would be like... [groans]

340
00:15:45.653 --> 00:15:47.070
And then I'd put the ruler away.

341
00:15:47.071 --> 00:15:51.074
And masturbating as a young person
is just like masturbating as an adult.

342
00:15:51.075 --> 00:15:53.576
You do one round, you climax,

343
00:15:53.577 --> 00:15:56.704
and you're like, "Ugh, you're disgusting.
Get away from me."

344
00:15:56.705 --> 00:15:59.375
- [audience laughing]
- "Don't fucking touch me again."

345
00:16:00.167 --> 00:16:03.086
And then 30 minutes later,
you're like, "One more time!"

346
00:16:03.087 --> 00:16:04.253
[audience laughing]

347
00:16:04.254 --> 00:16:06.381
So I would do it,
I would think I'd be done,

348
00:16:06.382 --> 00:16:08.717
but I couldn't resist myself.
I couldn't get enough.

349
00:16:09.259 --> 00:16:12.679
So I would take the ruler back out,
and then completely lose my shit,

350
00:16:12.680 --> 00:16:14.055
you know, during the class.

351
00:16:14.056 --> 00:16:16.891
By the end of class,
our math teacher would be like,

352
00:16:16.892 --> 00:16:20.186
"Seven times seven."
I'd be like, "Forty-nine!"

353
00:16:20.187 --> 00:16:21.855
[audience laughing]

354
00:16:25.317 --> 00:16:27.235
So this was a humiliating time in my life

355
00:16:27.236 --> 00:16:29.238
that I didn't even know
what was happening.

356
00:16:29.738 --> 00:16:32.740
And then we had Thanksgiving dinner
with my family,

357
00:16:32.741 --> 00:16:36.619
which means my six brothers and sisters,
myself included,

358
00:16:36.620 --> 00:16:39.289
my mother and my father
and my grandparents.

359
00:16:39.999 --> 00:16:41.499
If you're the youngest of six children,

360
00:16:41.500 --> 00:16:45.004
you understand
that nobody really respects you, you know?

361
00:16:45.504 --> 00:16:48.965
They didn't respect my opinion
on international or global politics

362
00:16:48.966 --> 00:16:51.175
or anything that was going on
in the world.

363
00:16:51.176 --> 00:16:53.846
And Thanksgiving is typically
pretty fucking boring.

364
00:16:54.763 --> 00:16:57.598
So I grabbed a ladle from the kitchen.

365
00:16:57.599 --> 00:16:59.685
[scattered laughter]

366
00:17:02.771 --> 00:17:05.189
[audience laughing]

367
00:17:05.190 --> 00:17:08.067
And I thought, "I hope
I don't have to use this," you know?

368
00:17:08.068 --> 00:17:08.985
[audience laughing]

369
00:17:08.986 --> 00:17:11.029
"I hope that you don't reduce me

370
00:17:11.030 --> 00:17:14.782
to using a ladle
to masturbate at Thanksgiving."

371
00:17:14.783 --> 00:17:17.618
"I hope that you respect
my conversation enough

372
00:17:17.619 --> 00:17:19.370
that I don't have to jerk off, okay,

373
00:17:19.371 --> 00:17:22.207
during a fucking holiday
we know nothing about."

374
00:17:23.167 --> 00:17:25.585
So I go,
and I sit down at the dinner table,

375
00:17:25.586 --> 00:17:28.130
and I tuck the ladle underneath my thigh.

376
00:17:29.965 --> 00:17:33.634
And I do one little spin, and I'm like,
"Okay, you know, remain alert."

377
00:17:33.635 --> 00:17:35.220
"No one knows what's up."

378
00:17:36.013 --> 00:17:38.140
And I don't know what happened after that.

379
00:17:39.641 --> 00:17:41.851
I don't know if I blacked out, or...

380
00:17:41.852 --> 00:17:43.102
[audience laughing]

381
00:17:43.103 --> 00:17:44.562
...I lost the plot,

382
00:17:44.563 --> 00:17:48.984
but all I remember waking up to
is hearing my mother's voice.

383
00:17:49.485 --> 00:17:52.111
And my mother was very sweet and European

384
00:17:52.112 --> 00:17:55.198
and very much the opposite of what I am.

385
00:17:55.199 --> 00:17:56.199
[audience laughs]

386
00:17:56.200 --> 00:17:57.659
And she said, "Chelsea."

387
00:17:58.285 --> 00:17:59.286
"Chelsea."

388
00:17:59.787 --> 00:18:01.746
"We need you to open your eyes."

389
00:18:01.747 --> 00:18:04.582
[audience laughing]

390
00:18:04.583 --> 00:18:06.834
And in that moment, I'm like, "Oh my God."

391
00:18:06.835 --> 00:18:10.338
[spluttering]
"It's over, it's over, it's over."

392
00:18:10.339 --> 00:18:13.299
And I kick the ladle
to the bottom of the floor, you know.

393
00:18:13.300 --> 00:18:15.593
I was like, "Get away from me,
you fucking rapist."

394
00:18:15.594 --> 00:18:17.470
[audience laughing]

395
00:18:17.471 --> 00:18:19.263
And I open my eyes,

396
00:18:19.264 --> 00:18:21.099
and I see my whole family,

397
00:18:21.100 --> 00:18:22.517
and their heads are bowed,

398
00:18:22.518 --> 00:18:25.687
and, like, they're all looking down
in, you know, shame.

399
00:18:26.271 --> 00:18:29.691
And my grandfather
is rubbing my father's back, like,

400
00:18:30.442 --> 00:18:33.152
"So sorry about
your little whore daughter."

401
00:18:33.153 --> 00:18:35.614
[audience laughing]

402
00:18:38.075 --> 00:18:41.410
And I look at my mom, said, "Sweetie,
that's something that you wanna do

403
00:18:41.411 --> 00:18:45.123
in the privacy of your own room."

404
00:18:45.124 --> 00:18:47.417
And I'm like, "Bwuhhh!"

405
00:18:48.502 --> 00:18:50.294
"Stop talking!"

406
00:18:50.295 --> 00:18:53.673
And my brother Roy stood up and goes,
"She does it all the time!"

407
00:18:53.674 --> 00:18:55.716
[audience laughing]

408
00:18:55.717 --> 00:18:58.302
The most humiliating day of my life.

409
00:18:58.303 --> 00:18:59.846
I did not masturbate,

410
00:18:59.847 --> 00:19:03.349
I did not touch my own vagina
from the age of nine to 40.

411
00:19:03.350 --> 00:19:04.809
[audience laughing]

412
00:19:04.810 --> 00:19:07.436
Nine to 40.
Even with tampons, I had an applicator.

413
00:19:07.437 --> 00:19:09.564
"You stay away from me.
You're fucking trouble."

414
00:19:09.565 --> 00:19:12.442
[audience laughing]

415
00:19:13.819 --> 00:19:15.571
And then, when I was ten years old,

416
00:19:17.114 --> 00:19:19.657
my mom told us
we were going on an airplane ride

417
00:19:19.658 --> 00:19:22.368
from New Jersey to California
to visit my grandparents.

418
00:19:22.369 --> 00:19:24.912
I grew up watching <i>Love Boat.</i>
I thought, <i>"Love Boat,</i> airplanes."

419
00:19:24.913 --> 00:19:28.207
Everything's so romanticized.
I couldn't wait to be on an airplane.

420
00:19:28.208 --> 00:19:31.378
I had a little Smurfette briefcase.
I had kitten heels on.

421
00:19:32.379 --> 00:19:36.215
And I was flying with my two sisters
to California from New Jersey.

422
00:19:36.216 --> 00:19:39.720
And we board the plane,
and I walked past the first-class section.

423
00:19:40.512 --> 00:19:43.015
And I stop, and I'm like... [sniffing]

424
00:19:43.974 --> 00:19:45.349
"This seems like my group."

425
00:19:45.350 --> 00:19:47.643
[audience laughing]

426
00:19:47.644 --> 00:19:50.438
My mom's like, "This is not your group.
Go to the back of the..."

427
00:19:50.439 --> 00:19:52.190
"Go to the back of the plane."

428
00:19:52.191 --> 00:19:55.234
Then she slowly explained to me
that we had six children in our family,

429
00:19:55.235 --> 00:19:58.488
and we will never ever
be able to afford to fly first class.

430
00:19:59.198 --> 00:20:01.365
And I was like,
"Speak for yourself, bitch."

431
00:20:01.366 --> 00:20:03.451
[audience laughing]

432
00:20:03.452 --> 00:20:07.830
I came back from that trip more motivated
than I have ever been in my entire life.

433
00:20:07.831 --> 00:20:10.125
- I was like, "Fuck this family."
- [applause]

434
00:20:10.834 --> 00:20:14.170
I'm like, "Obviously,
you guys raised me, you know,

435
00:20:14.171 --> 00:20:15.922
but I have to split ties
with these people."

436
00:20:15.923 --> 00:20:19.258
"If they're okay flying coach,
we're not on the same page."

437
00:20:19.259 --> 00:20:21.761
I was only ten. We were going
to Martha's Vineyard for summer.

438
00:20:21.762 --> 00:20:24.055
I was like,
"What can I do as a working woman?"

439
00:20:24.056 --> 00:20:25.556
"How do I start a business?"

440
00:20:25.557 --> 00:20:28.768
I felt very entrepreneurial,
but I had no real ideas.

441
00:20:28.769 --> 00:20:31.854
So I was like, "Okay, maybe I'll start,
like, a lemonade stand,"

442
00:20:31.855 --> 00:20:33.981
but there's not enough of a profit margin.

443
00:20:33.982 --> 00:20:37.318
So I decided to open up
a hard lemonade stand as a ten-year-old.

444
00:20:37.319 --> 00:20:39.946
I'm like, "I'll serve gin,
whiskey, and tequila."

445
00:20:39.947 --> 00:20:42.990
"I just need someone to open up
the lemonade stand with me."

446
00:20:42.991 --> 00:20:45.660
My sister at the time was
a recovering Mormon, so she was out.

447
00:20:45.661 --> 00:20:49.080
I was like, "Get the fuck away from me.
We're not on the same page either."

448
00:20:49.081 --> 00:20:51.791
And I went around the neighborhood
on Martha's Vineyard,

449
00:20:51.792 --> 00:20:53.543
and I canvassed the neighborhood.

450
00:20:54.378 --> 00:20:57.129
And I'd walk up to every rental house
and be like,

451
00:20:57.130 --> 00:21:00.716
"Hello, my name is Chelsea Handler.
I'm ten years old."

452
00:21:00.717 --> 00:21:04.887
"I'm opening up a lemonade stand,
and I need a business partner."

453
00:21:04.888 --> 00:21:08.267
"Do you have any other ten-year-olds
that I can play with?"

454
00:21:09.476 --> 00:21:13.438
And then this family said, "Yes, we have
a ten-year-old. His name is Nelson."

455
00:21:14.106 --> 00:21:19.361
They sent Nelson down the stairs,
and I started grooming Nelson right away.

456
00:21:19.987 --> 00:21:23.656
"Nelson, do you know how to make
a fucking whiskey and soda? Let's go."

457
00:21:23.657 --> 00:21:26.242
Nelson and I made $79

458
00:21:26.243 --> 00:21:29.996
on our first day as two ten-year-olds
with a hard lemonade stand.

459
00:21:29.997 --> 00:21:31.956
$79 was a big deal.

460
00:21:31.957 --> 00:21:34.417
[cheering and applause]

461
00:21:34.418 --> 00:21:35.501
It was a big deal.

462
00:21:35.502 --> 00:21:40.924
By the end of that first week,
we made $359

463
00:21:41.508 --> 00:21:44.802
selling hard lemonade to parents
and anyone over ten.

464
00:21:44.803 --> 00:21:47.722
- Like, obviously, I had guidelines.
- [audience laughing]

465
00:21:47.723 --> 00:21:52.101
$359 as two ten-year-olds?
I was... I couldn't believe it.

466
00:21:52.102 --> 00:21:54.729
I would count my money.
I would smell it. I was like, "Oh!"

467
00:21:54.730 --> 00:21:56.188
And then I had a cigar box,

468
00:21:56.189 --> 00:21:59.984
and I would tape it shut just so my dad
couldn't steal it from me, you know?

469
00:21:59.985 --> 00:22:03.112
And at the end of the week,
when I made that $359,

470
00:22:03.113 --> 00:22:04.780
I gave Nelson his commission,

471
00:22:04.781 --> 00:22:07.450
which was $3.59.

472
00:22:07.451 --> 00:22:08.994
[audience laughing]

473
00:22:09.578 --> 00:22:10.954
He was over the moon.

474
00:22:11.705 --> 00:22:14.707
I was like, "Stick with me, Nelson.
I will show you the way."

475
00:22:14.708 --> 00:22:16.251
[audience laughs]

476
00:22:16.835 --> 00:22:21.714
He's like, "This is more money
than if I lost three teeth in one week."

477
00:22:21.715 --> 00:22:23.132
[audience laughing]

478
00:22:23.133 --> 00:22:26.010
I realized then, I was too mature
for these other ten-year-olds.

479
00:22:26.011 --> 00:22:29.221
Like, "I have too much womanhood in me.
I have to go out on my own."

480
00:22:29.222 --> 00:22:32.016
And plus, my body was coming in together.

481
00:22:32.017 --> 00:22:33.768
And my boob buds were bursting, you know?

482
00:22:33.769 --> 00:22:36.520
And I knew it was time
to get my body off the streets.

483
00:22:36.521 --> 00:22:38.105
[audience laughing]

484
00:22:38.106 --> 00:22:41.317
And I was like, "What else can I do?
What else can I do?"

485
00:22:41.318 --> 00:22:42.693
"Oh, I could babysit."

486
00:22:42.694 --> 00:22:44.820
There are no parameters
around babysitting.

487
00:22:44.821 --> 00:22:47.656
Nobody... You can be ten
and babysit for a four-year-old.

488
00:22:47.657 --> 00:22:48.867
Nobody gives a shit.

489
00:22:49.534 --> 00:22:51.410
So I decided to change businesses,

490
00:22:51.411 --> 00:22:54.246
and I called every hotel
in Edgartown, Martha's Vineyard,

491
00:22:54.247 --> 00:22:56.999
and I said,
"Hello, my name is Chelsea Handler."

492
00:22:57.000 --> 00:23:00.336
"I know I was ten a few weeks ago.
I'm fifteen now."

493
00:23:00.337 --> 00:23:01.253
[audience laughing]

494
00:23:01.254 --> 00:23:04.965
"And I can babysit
for up to three children at one time

495
00:23:04.966 --> 00:23:08.886
for any of your last-minute guests
who need babysitting plans."

496
00:23:08.887 --> 00:23:12.723
"Please send them my way.
I'm very, very experienced."

497
00:23:12.724 --> 00:23:14.809
I spent that summer

498
00:23:14.810 --> 00:23:17.186
babysitting for a 14-year-old boy.

499
00:23:17.187 --> 00:23:19.272
[audience laughing]

500
00:23:24.111 --> 00:23:25.112
Jeremy.

501
00:23:25.946 --> 00:23:27.196
Jeremy was on the spectrum.

502
00:23:27.197 --> 00:23:29.115
It was before everybody knew
about the spectrum.

503
00:23:29.116 --> 00:23:32.201
I knew something was up with Jeremy,
you know? I connected with him.

504
00:23:32.202 --> 00:23:33.911
His parents wanted nothing to do with him.

505
00:23:33.912 --> 00:23:36.832
I'm like, "I'll deal with Jeremy, okay?
You guys go out."

506
00:23:39.751 --> 00:23:42.294
So I had Jeremy,
and then my business started to catch on,

507
00:23:42.295 --> 00:23:43.838
and then I got three other clients.

508
00:23:43.839 --> 00:23:48.300
I would babysit for these three girls
from Brookline, Massachusetts.

509
00:23:48.301 --> 00:23:52.388
These three sisters. I would babysit
for them from 6:00 a.m. to 10:00 a.m.

510
00:23:52.389 --> 00:23:54.974
And then I had a reprieve, I had a break,

511
00:23:54.975 --> 00:23:57.852
until I had to deal with Jeremy
every night at six.

512
00:23:57.853 --> 00:23:59.562
And so, during that time off,

513
00:23:59.563 --> 00:24:04.525
as I was getting very involved
in my own business as an 11-year-old,

514
00:24:04.526 --> 00:24:08.112
I was getting very confident.
I was like, "Oh, it's female empowerment."

515
00:24:08.113 --> 00:24:10.865
I started a business.
I'm making money. I need a break.

516
00:24:10.866 --> 00:24:13.952
I'd go into this deli every day

517
00:24:14.494 --> 00:24:18.372
on Main Street in Edgartown,
and I'd get a bagel with butter,

518
00:24:18.373 --> 00:24:20.709
a Twix bar, and a Sprite.

519
00:24:21.209 --> 00:24:23.836
And I would take a bite, a bite,
and a sip.

520
00:24:23.837 --> 00:24:26.881
And it was like a phantasmagoria,
you know, of excellence.

521
00:24:26.882 --> 00:24:29.049
I was like, "This is what...
Fuck the feeling."

522
00:24:29.050 --> 00:24:31.677
"This is what business owners
are doing, you know?"

523
00:24:31.678 --> 00:24:35.098
Taking lunch breaks by themselves
'cause they're so tired.

524
00:24:36.725 --> 00:24:38.350
When I'd go into this delicatessen,

525
00:24:38.351 --> 00:24:40.519
there was this girl
that worked behind the deli,

526
00:24:40.520 --> 00:24:42.605
and her name was Martha McIntosh.

527
00:24:42.606 --> 00:24:46.484
And I want you to picture
Amy Winehouse as an 11-year-old.

528
00:24:46.485 --> 00:24:48.027
[audience laughing]

529
00:24:48.028 --> 00:24:51.071
She had, like, the big beehive
and the thick, black eyeliner,

530
00:24:51.072 --> 00:24:53.282
and I was attracted to her right away.

531
00:24:53.283 --> 00:24:56.869
I knew that she had seen things
that I also wanted to see.

532
00:24:56.870 --> 00:25:00.498
And I had never met anyone
that was faster than me. I was like, "Oh."

533
00:25:00.499 --> 00:25:03.584
So I'd go in there every day
and make googly eyes at Martha.

534
00:25:03.585 --> 00:25:07.129
And then finally, one day,
she asked me to come back to her house.

535
00:25:07.130 --> 00:25:10.257
"Do you want to come back to my house
after my shift today?"

536
00:25:10.258 --> 00:25:12.426
- And I was like, "Definitely."
- [audience laughs]

537
00:25:12.427 --> 00:25:14.803
And I went back
to Martha McIntosh's house,

538
00:25:14.804 --> 00:25:19.099
and we walked by her parents, who were
outside on the porch smoking a joint.

539
00:25:19.100 --> 00:25:22.561
I'm like, "This is exactly
the kind of parenting I was looking for."

540
00:25:22.562 --> 00:25:24.397
[audience laughing]

541
00:25:25.232 --> 00:25:28.150
And then we went into her room,
and she hands me a Corona.

542
00:25:28.151 --> 00:25:29.985
And she says, "Do you drink?"

543
00:25:29.986 --> 00:25:31.362
I'm like, "Yes."

544
00:25:31.363 --> 00:25:32.655
[audience laughing]

545
00:25:32.656 --> 00:25:35.115
"I'm 11. Let's go, you know?"

546
00:25:35.116 --> 00:25:38.202
And the next day, I went over there,
and she hands me a cigarette.

547
00:25:38.203 --> 00:25:40.287
A Camel Light cigarette.

548
00:25:40.288 --> 00:25:41.789
She hands me my Corona.

549
00:25:41.790 --> 00:25:43.249
I'm drinking the Corona.

550
00:25:43.250 --> 00:25:45.377
She hands me the Camel Light cigarette.

551
00:25:46.169 --> 00:25:47.586
She goes, "Do you smoke?"

552
00:25:47.587 --> 00:25:48.755
I'm like... [scoffs]

553
00:25:49.381 --> 00:25:53.050
"Martha, ever since the day I was born
into that fucking hospital room,

554
00:25:53.051 --> 00:25:56.303
I have been dying for someone
to offer me a fuckin' cigarette."

555
00:25:56.304 --> 00:25:59.014
"Yes, I smoke. Let's go, okay?"

556
00:25:59.015 --> 00:26:01.058
"What else do you have up your sleeve?"

557
00:26:01.059 --> 00:26:02.101
[audience laughing]

558
00:26:02.102 --> 00:26:03.477
So I started going to Martha's

559
00:26:03.478 --> 00:26:05.688
every single day
in between my shifts, you know?

560
00:26:05.689 --> 00:26:08.899
I was exhausted
from being a child laborer, and...

561
00:26:08.900 --> 00:26:10.359
[audience laughing]

562
00:26:10.360 --> 00:26:14.030
I go to Martha's house,
and then on the Friday of the first week,

563
00:26:14.864 --> 00:26:18.409
I'm sitting there. I'm smoking my Camel.
I'm drinking my Corona.

564
00:26:18.410 --> 00:26:20.953
I feel finally alive
for the first time in my life.

565
00:26:20.954 --> 00:26:23.622
I'm like, "Finally, you know?
I have an ally."

566
00:26:23.623 --> 00:26:24.707
[audience laughing]

567
00:26:24.708 --> 00:26:28.878
And then she said, "Hey, do you wanna go
into my closet and take your pants down?"

568
00:26:29.588 --> 00:26:32.423
And I was like, "Definitely."
Like, "What's next?"

569
00:26:32.424 --> 00:26:33.674
[audience laughing]

570
00:26:33.675 --> 00:26:36.302
And we go into Martha McIntosh's closet.

571
00:26:36.303 --> 00:26:37.761
I pull my pants down,

572
00:26:37.762 --> 00:26:40.723
and she goes down on me
for, like, 15 minutes.

573
00:26:40.724 --> 00:26:43.934
And I could not believe my good fortune.

574
00:26:43.935 --> 00:26:45.394
[audience laughing]

575
00:26:45.395 --> 00:26:46.729
I was like, "Oh my God."

576
00:26:46.730 --> 00:26:50.608
I'm sitting there, drinking my Corona,
smoking my cigarette.

577
00:26:50.609 --> 00:26:52.568
I felt like Matthew McConaughey.

578
00:26:52.569 --> 00:26:55.362
I was like,
"All right, all right, all right."

579
00:26:55.363 --> 00:26:57.573
- [audience laughing]
- Oh!

580
00:26:57.574 --> 00:27:00.034
I loved Martha. We were so close.

581
00:27:00.035 --> 00:27:02.411
[audience laughing]

582
00:27:02.412 --> 00:27:05.080
You know? And I went there every day.

583
00:27:05.081 --> 00:27:07.333
She'd go down on me. It was amazing.

584
00:27:07.334 --> 00:27:09.918
I'd come home, and my sister,
the virgin one, would be like,

585
00:27:09.919 --> 00:27:13.464
"Every time you come home
from Martha Mcintosh's house,

586
00:27:13.465 --> 00:27:16.717
you smell like alcohol and cigarettes."

587
00:27:16.718 --> 00:27:19.011
"Who knows what's going on over there?"

588
00:27:19.012 --> 00:27:22.890
I'm like, "Oh, you'll never know
what's going on over there."

589
00:27:22.891 --> 00:27:24.267
[audience laughing]

590
00:27:25.143 --> 00:27:26.769
And then she told my father.

591
00:27:26.770 --> 00:27:30.022
She's like, "Every time Chelsea comes home
from Martha McIntosh's house,

592
00:27:30.023 --> 00:27:32.316
she smells like alcohol and cigarettes."

593
00:27:32.317 --> 00:27:34.818
And my dad's like,
"Well, she seems a lot happier."

594
00:27:34.819 --> 00:27:37.614
[audience laughing]

595
00:27:41.409 --> 00:27:45.245
And then it was the end of the summer.
I went to Martha's every day, obviously.

596
00:27:45.246 --> 00:27:48.707
And it was the end of the summer,
and we were in her closet,

597
00:27:48.708 --> 00:27:50.000
and she's going down on me.

598
00:27:50.001 --> 00:27:53.379
And then I'm finishing my drink
and my cigarette,

599
00:27:53.380 --> 00:27:55.673
and she pops her head up

600
00:27:55.674 --> 00:27:58.301
and said,
"Okay, you know, it's your turn."

601
00:28:03.431 --> 00:28:05.849
[audience laughing]

602
00:28:05.850 --> 00:28:06.934
And I looked around.

603
00:28:06.935 --> 00:28:09.436
I'm like, "Is someone else here?
Who are you talking to?"

604
00:28:09.437 --> 00:28:11.522
- [audience laughing]
- "What?"

605
00:28:11.523 --> 00:28:14.733
And I realized what was happening.
The exchange that was happening.

606
00:28:14.734 --> 00:28:17.152
And I had a decision to make that day.

607
00:28:17.153 --> 00:28:19.446
So I put my cigarette out.
I pulled my pants up.

608
00:28:19.447 --> 00:28:23.409
I said, "It was nice to meet you, Martha.
Good luck with everything."

609
00:28:23.410 --> 00:28:25.244
[applause]

610
00:28:25.245 --> 00:28:27.705
"It's never gonna be my fucking turn."

611
00:28:27.706 --> 00:28:29.791
[audience laughing]

612
00:28:30.542 --> 00:28:34.586
And that felt cold. It was my first lover,
and I had to leave her like that.

613
00:28:34.587 --> 00:28:35.754
[audience laughing]

614
00:28:35.755 --> 00:28:37.924
Because she wanted reciprocity, you know?

615
00:28:38.425 --> 00:28:41.969
I remember leaving for that fall,
going back to New Jersey.

616
00:28:41.970 --> 00:28:43.762
I thought about her
as being my first lover.

617
00:28:43.763 --> 00:28:46.682
I was like, "I hope she's okay.
I hope she doesn't kill herself."

618
00:28:46.683 --> 00:28:49.309
[audience laughing]

619
00:28:49.310 --> 00:28:51.437
And when I came back
the next summer, I was 12,

620
00:28:51.438 --> 00:28:55.274
and I went straight to the delicatessen,
as a responsible ex-lover would,

621
00:28:55.275 --> 00:28:58.444
to check on my first lover
and see if she was okay.

622
00:28:58.445 --> 00:29:01.447
And I saw her across the room
behind the delicatessen...

623
00:29:01.448 --> 00:29:02.949
whatever that is called.

624
00:29:04.826 --> 00:29:05.909
Meat slicer.

625
00:29:05.910 --> 00:29:07.703
[audience laughing]

626
00:29:07.704 --> 00:29:11.290
And I saw that she had had
braces installed over the winter break.

627
00:29:11.291 --> 00:29:13.918
[audience laughing]

628
00:29:15.712 --> 00:29:19.214
And I thought, "Somebody got out of there
just in the nick of time."

629
00:29:19.215 --> 00:29:21.383
[audience laughing]

630
00:29:21.384 --> 00:29:22.802
"No, thank you."

631
00:29:23.303 --> 00:29:26.597
But the relationship
in combination with my business,

632
00:29:26.598 --> 00:29:28.223
I felt, like, womanly, you know?

633
00:29:28.224 --> 00:29:30.476
I was only 13 years old now.

634
00:29:30.477 --> 00:29:32.227
I was 12, and then 13 the next summer.

635
00:29:32.228 --> 00:29:36.231
I could focus. I didn't have a lover,
so I could focus on my business.

636
00:29:36.232 --> 00:29:40.444
I saved over, like, $7,800
by the time I was 13.

637
00:29:40.445 --> 00:29:43.655
And so I came home as a 13-year-old girl,

638
00:29:43.656 --> 00:29:47.243
and my mom announced
that we were flying to California again,

639
00:29:48.286 --> 00:29:50.037
to visit my grandparents this time.

640
00:29:50.038 --> 00:29:52.290
This time, my dad...
my grandfather was sick.

641
00:29:52.791 --> 00:29:56.377
And this time, I was traveling
with my two idiot brothers, Glen and Roy.

642
00:29:57.879 --> 00:30:00.297
And I said, "Mom, don't worry
about my ticket, okay?"

643
00:30:00.298 --> 00:30:01.882
"I'll handle it this time."

644
00:30:01.883 --> 00:30:03.968
[audience laughing]

645
00:30:06.596 --> 00:30:09.306
I went down the street
to a travel agent that lived on our street

646
00:30:09.307 --> 00:30:11.850
and bought myself
my own first-class ticket.

647
00:30:11.851 --> 00:30:14.771
[cheering and applause]

648
00:30:20.193 --> 00:30:21.693
[man] Ballin'!

649
00:30:21.694 --> 00:30:23.529
[audience laughs]

650
00:30:23.530 --> 00:30:26.950
And I didn't tell anyone
because I could not fucking wait

651
00:30:27.659 --> 00:30:31.328
to see the looks on my brothers' faces.

652
00:30:31.329 --> 00:30:34.122
It was like Christmas morning for three...

653
00:30:34.123 --> 00:30:38.085
I could not wait to see
the expressions on their faces.

654
00:30:38.086 --> 00:30:39.878
And we boarded the plane,

655
00:30:39.879 --> 00:30:42.297
and I had my seat and found my...

656
00:30:42.298 --> 00:30:44.341
I had a new briefcase this time.

657
00:30:44.342 --> 00:30:46.426
And I had my kitten heels on, you know,

658
00:30:46.427 --> 00:30:49.221
and I popped my little briefcase
in the overhead bin,

659
00:30:49.222 --> 00:30:51.306
found my seat, 2C,

660
00:30:51.307 --> 00:30:53.433
sat down,
looked at my brothers Roy and Glen,

661
00:30:53.434 --> 00:30:56.019
and said, "See you cunts
at the end of the flight."

662
00:30:56.020 --> 00:30:58.272
[audience laughing]

663
00:30:58.273 --> 00:31:00.400
[scattered cheering and applause]

664
00:31:02.068 --> 00:31:03.402
It was so glorious.

665
00:31:03.403 --> 00:31:04.611
[audience laughing]

666
00:31:04.612 --> 00:31:08.031
And then, like, an hour into the flight,
my brothers come up from the...

667
00:31:08.032 --> 00:31:09.324
to the first-class cabin.

668
00:31:09.325 --> 00:31:11.618
I don't know how
they got through that curtain.

669
00:31:11.619 --> 00:31:13.120
[audience laughing]

670
00:31:13.121 --> 00:31:16.040
But I'm sitting there drinking champagne,
you know, celebrating.

671
00:31:16.541 --> 00:31:18.792
And all of a sudden,
I see their two faces,

672
00:31:18.793 --> 00:31:21.587
and they're both
standing there like idiots.

673
00:31:21.588 --> 00:31:25.341
And they go, "You can't do that, Chelsea."
I go, "What? I can't do what?"

674
00:31:25.967 --> 00:31:29.762
"You can't buy a first-class ticket
and not give it to Mom or one of us."

675
00:31:30.805 --> 00:31:33.807
- I said, "I'm sorry, how old are you two?"
- [audience laughs]

676
00:31:33.808 --> 00:31:36.435
And my brother Glen said, "I'm 23."

677
00:31:36.436 --> 00:31:38.353
[audience laughing]

678
00:31:38.354 --> 00:31:40.690
And my brother Roy's like, "I'm 24."

679
00:31:41.482 --> 00:31:45.652
And I'm like, "So, collectively,
you guys are 47 years old,

680
00:31:45.653 --> 00:31:50.324
and I've gotten more pussy
than the two of you put together."

681
00:31:50.325 --> 00:31:51.658
[laughter and cheering]

682
00:31:51.659 --> 00:31:55.329
"Get to the back of the fuckin' plane,
and I will see you when we land."

683
00:31:55.330 --> 00:31:56.831
[audience laughing]

684
00:31:59.709 --> 00:32:01.668
And that's why I don't have a daughter.

685
00:32:01.669 --> 00:32:04.963
[audience laughing]

686
00:32:04.964 --> 00:32:07.090
So I don't have some horny 11-year-old

687
00:32:07.091 --> 00:32:10.052
that needs to get eaten out
every 15 minutes

688
00:32:10.053 --> 00:32:12.137
and then demands to fly first class.

689
00:32:12.138 --> 00:32:14.932
- I don't fuckin' need that shit.
- [audience laughing]

690
00:32:14.933 --> 00:32:18.810
No dog that you rescue is ever
gonna make you go to therapy with them

691
00:32:18.811 --> 00:32:20.771
or call you on your shit.

692
00:32:20.772 --> 00:32:22.397
And if you... If your dogs...

693
00:32:22.398 --> 00:32:24.524
I have a very active drug life.

694
00:32:24.525 --> 00:32:25.525
If...

695
00:32:25.526 --> 00:32:27.945
[audience laughing]

696
00:32:27.946 --> 00:32:31.490
If I had children
and my children get into my drug drawer,

697
00:32:31.491 --> 00:32:33.492
that's a pretty big deal.

698
00:32:33.493 --> 00:32:35.953
If you have dogs
and they get into your drug drawer,

699
00:32:35.954 --> 00:32:37.412
it's less of a big deal.

700
00:32:37.413 --> 00:32:39.414
- [audience laughing]
- They'll survive.

701
00:32:39.415 --> 00:32:42.793
And whatever the worst thing
you could do to a dog related to drugs

702
00:32:42.794 --> 00:32:44.711
is, like, you know what?

703
00:32:44.712 --> 00:32:48.674
"It would've been worse if I never got you
in the first place, so just get over it."

704
00:32:48.675 --> 00:32:49.883
[audience laughing]

705
00:32:49.884 --> 00:32:52.469
The last time my two dogs were drugged,
Bert and Bernice,

706
00:32:52.470 --> 00:32:55.515
they're no longer with us,
and not because of drugs, but...

707
00:32:56.349 --> 00:32:59.434
They were the last dogs, set of dogs
that I had that were drugged.

708
00:32:59.435 --> 00:33:02.187
And this was at the outset of Covid.

709
00:33:02.188 --> 00:33:04.898
And my sister Simone, she said--

710
00:33:04.899 --> 00:33:07.985
She suggested that we go to Maine
for the summer of Covid.

711
00:33:07.986 --> 00:33:09.570
She said, "Let's go to Maine."

712
00:33:11.447 --> 00:33:13.031
"There's a lot less people there."

713
00:33:13.032 --> 00:33:15.617
"We can rent a big house.
No one will bother us."

714
00:33:15.618 --> 00:33:18.078
"We don't have to subscribe
to six-feet-apart rules,

715
00:33:18.079 --> 00:33:20.288
and it's fuckin' annoying here."

716
00:33:20.289 --> 00:33:21.873
"And we'll just go."

717
00:33:21.874 --> 00:33:25.502
"I'll send you some links to some houses,
and just beware, they're old."

718
00:33:25.503 --> 00:33:27.879
"They look like they were built
at the turn of the century."

719
00:33:27.880 --> 00:33:31.592
And when I clicked on the link,
I was like, "Wh... Which century?" You know?

720
00:33:32.260 --> 00:33:33.885
"These look like plantation homes."

721
00:33:33.886 --> 00:33:37.180
She's like,
"Well, it's a very Republican area."

722
00:33:37.181 --> 00:33:40.058
"It's actually a Republican enclave
in Maine."

723
00:33:40.059 --> 00:33:42.853
And I was like... [chuckles]
..."Let's fuckin' go."

724
00:33:42.854 --> 00:33:44.396
[audience laughing]

725
00:33:44.397 --> 00:33:49.359
Nothing gets my juices flowing more
than disrupting a Republican enclave.

726
00:33:49.360 --> 00:33:50.485
Nothing.

727
00:33:50.486 --> 00:33:51.737
[cheering and applause]

728
00:33:51.738 --> 00:33:55.741
I was like, "Let's go. I'll have sex with
all my Black friends and Asian friends."

729
00:33:55.742 --> 00:33:58.869
"We'll do anal on the lawn all day long,

730
00:33:58.870 --> 00:34:00.829
saluting your fuckin' flag."

731
00:34:00.830 --> 00:34:02.622
[scattered laughter and cheering]

732
00:34:02.623 --> 00:34:05.125
And at the time, I had a huge impetus.

733
00:34:05.126 --> 00:34:09.087
At the time... This was when Andrew Cuomo
was on the scene, okay?

734
00:34:09.088 --> 00:34:10.630
I wanna take you back to the time

735
00:34:10.631 --> 00:34:12.632
where we were getting yelled
and screamed at

736
00:34:12.633 --> 00:34:14.926
every morning on national television

737
00:34:14.927 --> 00:34:19.181
by this angry Italian meatball
submarine sandwich.

738
00:34:19.182 --> 00:34:22.726
Fucking screaming with saliva,
"You wear a mask! You wear a mask!"

739
00:34:22.727 --> 00:34:26.271
I wanted to be his face mask.
I was attracted to him.

740
00:34:26.272 --> 00:34:27.397
I love...

741
00:34:27.398 --> 00:34:31.944
We were so dehydrated for real leadership.
I was like, "I wanna be with him."

742
00:34:32.487 --> 00:34:34.781
"I wanna be the First Lady of New York."

743
00:34:35.573 --> 00:34:37.407
My virgin sister,
the boring one, was like,

744
00:34:37.408 --> 00:34:39.409
"You'll never be
the First Lady of New York."

745
00:34:39.410 --> 00:34:41.620
"You're a liability for any politician."

746
00:34:41.621 --> 00:34:43.872
- I was like...
- [audience laughing]

747
00:34:43.873 --> 00:34:45.791
And everyone was getting a crush on him.

748
00:34:45.792 --> 00:34:48.335
Like, all these women were like,
"Cuomo, Cuomo. I love Cuomo."

749
00:34:48.336 --> 00:34:50.921
I was like, "Oh."
I started to feel competitive, you know?

750
00:34:50.922 --> 00:34:52.923
Covid brought out the worst in all of us.

751
00:34:52.924 --> 00:34:55.008
I was like,
"I have to get ahead of these people."

752
00:34:55.009 --> 00:34:57.219
"I'm a celebrity.
I can figure something out."

753
00:34:57.220 --> 00:35:00.097
So I called my publicist,
and I said, "Put me on <i>The View.</i>"

754
00:35:00.098 --> 00:35:01.181
Uh...

755
00:35:01.182 --> 00:35:03.350
And... and they said, "Okay."

756
00:35:03.351 --> 00:35:06.645
And so I get on <i>The View,</i>
and I'm on a Zoom, 'cause it's Covid.

757
00:35:06.646 --> 00:35:09.898
And I'm on a Zoom
with Whoopi and Joy Behar,

758
00:35:09.899 --> 00:35:13.485
and they're asking me about my quarantine,
and I'm like, "Buh, buh, booh."

759
00:35:13.486 --> 00:35:14.444
[audience laughs]

760
00:35:14.445 --> 00:35:19.699
And then, at the very end, I said,
"Ladies, I don't wanna get off this call

761
00:35:19.700 --> 00:35:23.120
before I declare
that I would like to be penetrated

762
00:35:23.121 --> 00:35:24.871
by the governor of New York."

763
00:35:24.872 --> 00:35:27.083
[laughter and scattered applause]

764
00:35:30.711 --> 00:35:34.631
And Joy Behar's like, "Oh, Chelsea."
I was like, "You shut the fuck up, Joy!"

765
00:35:34.632 --> 00:35:35.841
[audience laughing]

766
00:35:35.842 --> 00:35:37.969
"I don't need any feedback right now."

767
00:35:38.970 --> 00:35:42.305
I knew if I put it out there
into the ether, you know? I knew.

768
00:35:42.306 --> 00:35:43.807
So I got off the Zoom. I was like--

769
00:35:43.808 --> 00:35:45.851
I looked at my dogs.
I said, "Now we wait."

770
00:35:45.852 --> 00:35:48.437
[audience laughing]

771
00:35:52.942 --> 00:35:54.402
Three days went by.

772
00:35:55.361 --> 00:35:57.487
Three days, and my phone rang,

773
00:35:57.488 --> 00:35:59.949
but it was an unknown number,
so I don't answer that.

774
00:36:00.449 --> 00:36:01.993
The message was incredible.

775
00:36:03.035 --> 00:36:06.539
The message was...
[imitating Cuomo] "Hello, Ms. Handler."

776
00:36:07.123 --> 00:36:09.457
"This is Andrew Cuomo."

777
00:36:09.458 --> 00:36:12.002
"C-U-O-M-O."

778
00:36:12.003 --> 00:36:17.382
"I heard from a little birdie in a tree
that someone has a crush on me."

779
00:36:17.383 --> 00:36:19.719
[audience laughing]

780
00:36:20.511 --> 00:36:22.971
"I would like to pursue this further."

781
00:36:22.972 --> 00:36:27.393
"My number is 917, la-la-la, la-la-la."

782
00:36:28.436 --> 00:36:29.686
And then he goes, "Ciao."

783
00:36:29.687 --> 00:36:30.729
[audience laughs]

784
00:36:30.730 --> 00:36:34.107
I was holding my vagina.
I was like, "Oh my God. Oh my God."

785
00:36:34.108 --> 00:36:36.484
I didn't even finish
listening to the message

786
00:36:36.485 --> 00:36:39.613
before I was in my car,
driving to my best girlfriend's house.

787
00:36:39.614 --> 00:36:42.449
And she's inside her window,
I'm outside of her house,

788
00:36:42.450 --> 00:36:44.910
because of fucking Covid
and six feet apart.

789
00:36:44.911 --> 00:36:47.829
And I'm playing the message on my phone,

790
00:36:47.830 --> 00:36:50.081
like John Cusack in <i>Say Anything...</i>

791
00:36:50.082 --> 00:36:53.335
I'm like, "I'm gonna fuck the governor!"

792
00:36:53.336 --> 00:36:57.255
- "The governor wants to fuck me!"
- [laughter and scattered applause]

793
00:36:57.256 --> 00:37:00.592
"I'm gonna be the First Lady of New York!"

794
00:37:00.593 --> 00:37:02.219
[audience laughing]

795
00:37:02.220 --> 00:37:04.180
Oh, it was amazing.

796
00:37:04.889 --> 00:37:07.349
And then he called me,
and we talked for, like, 45 minutes.

797
00:37:07.350 --> 00:37:10.685
I was like, "Oh my God, this is serious."
You know?

798
00:37:10.686 --> 00:37:14.397
And then I floated the idea. "I might be
coming to Maine for the summer,

799
00:37:14.398 --> 00:37:17.109
so maybe I could swing by
the Albany mansion."

800
00:37:17.610 --> 00:37:21.196
"We can have an outdoor Covid-friendly
dinner date slash anal."

801
00:37:21.197 --> 00:37:22.530
"Whatever you're into."

802
00:37:22.531 --> 00:37:24.158
[audience laughing]

803
00:37:25.159 --> 00:37:27.202
And he was like,
"I'm very interested in that."

804
00:37:27.203 --> 00:37:28.828
I said, "So how do... What do I do?"

805
00:37:28.829 --> 00:37:31.539
"Do I need to quarantine
before I meet you? Like, what..."

806
00:37:31.540 --> 00:37:33.416
He said, "Quarantine schmorantine."

807
00:37:33.417 --> 00:37:34.668
[audience laughing]

808
00:37:34.669 --> 00:37:36.586
I was like, "Oh, interesting twist."

809
00:37:36.587 --> 00:37:38.797
[audience laughing]

810
00:37:38.798 --> 00:37:43.094
And then once it became real, like I knew
I was probably gonna fuck the governor...

811
00:37:43.636 --> 00:37:45.720
Everyone was talking about Nipplegate
at the time.

812
00:37:45.721 --> 00:37:48.765
People were talking about whether or not
he had a nipple piercing,

813
00:37:48.766 --> 00:37:50.433
which, obviously, I knew he didn't.

814
00:37:50.434 --> 00:37:53.270
He's a straight 64-year-old white male.

815
00:37:53.271 --> 00:37:55.690
He doesn't have the guts,
you know, to do that.

816
00:37:56.232 --> 00:37:59.567
But I was curious about his nipples,
and I would zoom in...

817
00:37:59.568 --> 00:38:01.278
[audience laughing]

818
00:38:01.279 --> 00:38:03.864
...on pictures of him on Instagram.

819
00:38:04.490 --> 00:38:07.075
And... and something curious
was going on with his nipples.

820
00:38:07.076 --> 00:38:09.494
They were headed
in a very southerly direction.

821
00:38:09.495 --> 00:38:10.954
[audience laughing]

822
00:38:10.955 --> 00:38:13.832
And I had never faced a storm
like that before, you know?

823
00:38:13.833 --> 00:38:14.958
My older sister's like,

824
00:38:14.959 --> 00:38:17.168
"Just take it from behind.
It's safer for everybody."

825
00:38:17.169 --> 00:38:20.130
"There's a pandemic. You don't even
have to look at his nipples."

826
00:38:20.131 --> 00:38:22.048
"You have to do this."
I was getting cold feet.

827
00:38:22.049 --> 00:38:24.927
And she's like,
"Are you a fucking patriot or aren't you?"

828
00:38:25.428 --> 00:38:29.598
I'm like, "I am. I wanna be. I wanna be.
It's just a lot to handle."

829
00:38:30.266 --> 00:38:34.102
So we rent this house in Maine.
We go to Maine. I start texting him.

830
00:38:34.103 --> 00:38:36.646
I'm with my whole family,
a group of friends.

831
00:38:36.647 --> 00:38:38.440
We have this big house on the water

832
00:38:38.441 --> 00:38:41.693
that was built
in I don't know what time period.

833
00:38:41.694 --> 00:38:43.236
[scattered laughter]

834
00:38:43.237 --> 00:38:47.449
And I start texting him. I send him
pictures of me, like, on a paddleboard.

835
00:38:47.450 --> 00:38:49.952
And all of a sudden, he stops responding.

836
00:38:50.703 --> 00:38:53.163
And the first couple days,
I was trying to, you know,

837
00:38:53.164 --> 00:38:54.664
convince myself it wasn't over.

838
00:38:54.665 --> 00:38:58.127
I was like, "Oh, no.
He's a governor. He must be very busy."

839
00:38:59.128 --> 00:39:00.962
And then on the third day,
I came downstairs

840
00:39:00.963 --> 00:39:02.714
and said to my sisters
Shoshanna and Simone,

841
00:39:02.715 --> 00:39:05.884
"Guys, I haven't heard from Andrew Cuomo
since I got to Maine."

842
00:39:05.885 --> 00:39:09.554
And my sister, the virgin one,
was like, "I told you. I told you."

843
00:39:09.555 --> 00:39:11.557
"He can't fuck you, okay?"

844
00:39:12.141 --> 00:39:15.727
"Someone in his office caught wind
of this little liaison or dalliance

845
00:39:15.728 --> 00:39:17.395
and put the kibosh on it."

846
00:39:17.396 --> 00:39:19.397
"He can't be screaming
at the entire country

847
00:39:19.398 --> 00:39:20.940
to stand six feet apart

848
00:39:20.941 --> 00:39:23.943
and then fuck
one of the loudest people in the world."

849
00:39:23.944 --> 00:39:25.779
"He just can't do that."

850
00:39:25.780 --> 00:39:28.281
And my other sister's like,
"Text him one more time."

851
00:39:28.282 --> 00:39:30.492
[audience laughing]

852
00:39:30.493 --> 00:39:34.704
So the next morning, I'm out.
I'm in a bikini. I'm on a Vespa.

853
00:39:34.705 --> 00:39:37.749
I have a face mask and a helmet on
and sunblock everywhere

854
00:39:37.750 --> 00:39:39.667
just to show him I'm safe, you know?

855
00:39:39.668 --> 00:39:41.294
[audience laughing]

856
00:39:41.295 --> 00:39:44.631
At the last minute, I pull my top down,
so I'm topless in a bikini,

857
00:39:44.632 --> 00:39:46.674
and my brother Roy is taking the photo.

858
00:39:46.675 --> 00:39:48.802
[audience laughing]

859
00:39:48.803 --> 00:39:50.804
And my sister Simone
comes out and sees us.

860
00:39:50.805 --> 00:39:54.391
She goes, "Chelsea, what the fuck
are you doing? That is your brother!"

861
00:39:54.392 --> 00:39:55.433
[audience laughing]

862
00:39:55.434 --> 00:39:57.644
But at this point, I was so desperate.

863
00:39:57.645 --> 00:40:00.647
I knew I had been rejected by him,
but I was so desperate.

864
00:40:00.648 --> 00:40:05.068
And also, the idea of a topless photo
of Chelsea Handler

865
00:40:05.069 --> 00:40:08.947
transmitting through his iPhone,
or Andrew Cuomo's iPad,

866
00:40:08.948 --> 00:40:12.785
onto the big daily
early morning briefing of Covid

867
00:40:13.452 --> 00:40:16.204
on a national level
made me so joyful, you know?

868
00:40:16.205 --> 00:40:18.915
Like, I just wanted to give
the country a present.

869
00:40:18.916 --> 00:40:20.417
[audience laughing]

870
00:40:20.418 --> 00:40:25.422
And then, when I realized
he wasn't responding, it wasn't happening,

871
00:40:25.423 --> 00:40:27.675
then it sunk in, and I felt dejected.

872
00:40:28.175 --> 00:40:30.718
You know, people who were single
during Covid were scared.

873
00:40:30.719 --> 00:40:33.430
Like, "What if we don't ever
get penetrated again?" You know?

874
00:40:33.431 --> 00:40:34.514
[audience laughs]

875
00:40:34.515 --> 00:40:35.640
And then I felt terrible

876
00:40:35.641 --> 00:40:39.145
that I hadn't brought my dogs
Bert and Bernice with me to Maine.

877
00:40:39.645 --> 00:40:41.729
And so I was sitting
with my brothers and sisters.

878
00:40:41.730 --> 00:40:43.398
I'm like, "I'm really depressed."

879
00:40:43.399 --> 00:40:46.484
"I've been rejected, you guys,
and I don't even have my dogs."

880
00:40:46.485 --> 00:40:49.612
"I don't even know how to get them
from California. I can't fly them."

881
00:40:49.613 --> 00:40:51.990
"That's egregious.
You know, I'm not gonna do that."

882
00:40:51.991 --> 00:40:54.826
And my brother Roy said,
"What about a choo-choo train?"

883
00:40:54.827 --> 00:40:56.537
[audience laughing]

884
00:41:01.667 --> 00:41:04.961
And my sister Simone said,
"Never mind that. We will find a way."

885
00:41:04.962 --> 00:41:05.879
[audience laughs]

886
00:41:05.880 --> 00:41:08.381
And she came downstairs 20 minutes later,
and she said,

887
00:41:08.382 --> 00:41:13.678
"I found a couple that will drive
your dogs from California to Maine,

888
00:41:13.679 --> 00:41:16.639
and they will be here in 48 hours."

889
00:41:16.640 --> 00:41:19.058
I was like,
"Is that even plausible? I mean..."

890
00:41:19.059 --> 00:41:19.976
[audience laughing]

891
00:41:19.977 --> 00:41:21.478
I didn't know if that could happen,

892
00:41:21.479 --> 00:41:23.813
but when things are going my way
and I get answers I like,

893
00:41:23.814 --> 00:41:25.565
I don't ask a ton of questions.

894
00:41:25.566 --> 00:41:27.192
I'm like, "Okay, great."

895
00:41:27.193 --> 00:41:29.819
It was Monday night at 7:15,

896
00:41:29.820 --> 00:41:32.697
and Wednesday night at 7:30 p.m,

897
00:41:32.698 --> 00:41:35.450
this couple rolls into this house
I'm renting in Maine,

898
00:41:35.451 --> 00:41:39.537
and Bert and Bernice stumble out
of this little hitch behind their van.

899
00:41:39.538 --> 00:41:40.497
And I'm so grateful.

900
00:41:40.498 --> 00:41:42.790
Anyone who is a dog owner here

901
00:41:42.791 --> 00:41:45.710
knows exactly how grateful I was
when I saw them.

902
00:41:45.711 --> 00:41:47.670
I ran into the house we were renting.

903
00:41:47.671 --> 00:41:49.506
My brother is in the kitchen cooking,

904
00:41:49.507 --> 00:41:52.550
and I grabbed two cocktail glasses,
a bottle of Belvedere,

905
00:41:52.551 --> 00:41:55.179
and I start making them
a thank-you cocktail, you know?

906
00:41:56.472 --> 00:41:59.098
And my brother Roy goes, "Who's that for?"

907
00:41:59.099 --> 00:42:01.559
I said, "For the couple
that dropped off Bert and Bernice."

908
00:42:01.560 --> 00:42:03.186
"It's a thank-you cocktail."

909
00:42:03.187 --> 00:42:05.606
He said, "Don't make them
more than one round."

910
00:42:06.857 --> 00:42:08.608
I said, "Why? What's your problem?"

911
00:42:08.609 --> 00:42:11.737
- [scattered laughter]
- He said, "Look at me, Chelsea."

912
00:42:12.613 --> 00:42:14.406
"Anybody who drove

913
00:42:15.574 --> 00:42:17.617
from California...

914
00:42:17.618 --> 00:42:19.077
[audience laughing]

915
00:42:19.078 --> 00:42:20.412
...to Maine

916
00:42:21.455 --> 00:42:25.042
in 48 hours

917
00:42:25.668 --> 00:42:27.418
is on crystal meth."

918
00:42:27.419 --> 00:42:30.214
[laughter and scattered applause]

919
00:42:37.054 --> 00:42:40.515
So I bring the drinks out,
and I say, "Thank you so much," you know.

920
00:42:40.516 --> 00:42:43.476
And the guy's like, "Oh, sorry,
we can't have more than one drink."

921
00:42:43.477 --> 00:42:45.687
"We have to be in Florida by midnight."

922
00:42:45.688 --> 00:42:47.647
[audience laughing]

923
00:42:47.648 --> 00:42:48.857
Whoa.

924
00:42:49.358 --> 00:42:50.942
And for the next two days,

925
00:42:50.943 --> 00:42:53.486
my dogs Bert and Bernice
were walking around

926
00:42:53.487 --> 00:42:55.989
just aimlessly into paddleboards,

927
00:42:55.990 --> 00:42:57.449
hitting their heads.

928
00:42:57.950 --> 00:42:59.117
Just listlessly.

929
00:42:59.118 --> 00:43:02.871
And I was looking at them like,
"Oh my God, what is wrong with my babies?"

930
00:43:03.789 --> 00:43:06.165
My brother Roy is like,
"What's wrong with your babies?"

931
00:43:06.166 --> 00:43:10.129
I'm like, "Look at Bert. He's bumped
into the same tree three times."

932
00:43:10.838 --> 00:43:13.089
He's like, "What's wrong with your dogs?"

933
00:43:13.090 --> 00:43:15.009
"You just sent them

934
00:43:15.718 --> 00:43:17.428
on a high-speed

935
00:43:17.970 --> 00:43:20.139
methamphetamine

936
00:43:20.723 --> 00:43:23.433
car chase across the country

937
00:43:23.434 --> 00:43:29.105
because a governor wouldn't fuck you
during a global pandemic."

938
00:43:29.106 --> 00:43:30.023
[audience laughing]

939
00:43:30.024 --> 00:43:32.525
"So now they're detoxing
from crystal meth."

940
00:43:32.526 --> 00:43:33.985
"That's what's happening."

941
00:43:33.986 --> 00:43:36.071
[laughter and applause]

942
00:43:42.286 --> 00:43:44.329
He's like, "Thank God
you never had a real baby."

943
00:43:44.330 --> 00:43:48.166
I'm like, "I'm so sick and tired
of being insulted about my parenting."

944
00:43:48.167 --> 00:43:50.585
"You try raising two dogs on one income."

945
00:43:50.586 --> 00:43:52.671
[audience laughing]

946
00:43:54.548 --> 00:43:56.215
And then I got a text from Barbara Bush.

947
00:43:56.216 --> 00:43:58.718
George W. Bush,
our former president's daughters,

948
00:43:58.719 --> 00:44:00.845
the twins, Jenna and Barbara,
I'm friends with them.

949
00:44:00.846 --> 00:44:04.140
I met them at this event called
the <i>Glamour</i> Women of the Year awards

950
00:44:04.141 --> 00:44:06.267
many years ago in New York City.

951
00:44:06.268 --> 00:44:09.228
And I met them. I was with my two sisters.
They were sisters.

952
00:44:09.229 --> 00:44:10.813
We bonded over being sisters.

953
00:44:10.814 --> 00:44:12.357
I call them "sissy."

954
00:44:12.358 --> 00:44:14.025
It's easier to call all women sissy

955
00:44:14.026 --> 00:44:16.235
so you don't have to remember
anybody's fucking name.

956
00:44:16.236 --> 00:44:17.153
[audience laughing]

957
00:44:17.154 --> 00:44:18.905
And I get a text from Barbara Bush.

958
00:44:18.906 --> 00:44:21.157
She says, "Sissy, we hear
you're in Biddeford Pool,"

959
00:44:21.158 --> 00:44:24.452
which is the part of Maine I was in,
the Republican enclave.

960
00:44:24.453 --> 00:44:26.412
She said,
"We hear you're in Biddeford Pool."

961
00:44:26.413 --> 00:44:28.581
"We're right around the corner.
We wanna say hi."

962
00:44:28.582 --> 00:44:30.667
I said, "Of course, sissy. Come on over."

963
00:44:30.668 --> 00:44:33.836
And I see Barbara Bush.
She comes down the driveway.

964
00:44:33.837 --> 00:44:36.297
It's this big, steep driveway
of this house we're renting.

965
00:44:36.298 --> 00:44:37.590
I see her come down,

966
00:44:37.591 --> 00:44:41.219
and then I see two Secret Service men
behind her come down.

967
00:44:41.220 --> 00:44:45.181
And then I see the former First Lady,
Laura Bush, come down.

968
00:44:45.182 --> 00:44:46.600
And I'm like, "Ohhh."

969
00:44:47.226 --> 00:44:49.060
You know, too many Republicans.

970
00:44:49.061 --> 00:44:50.228
[audience laughing]

971
00:44:50.229 --> 00:44:53.564
Luckily, it was Covid. I was like,
"Everyone stand six feet away. Okay."

972
00:44:53.565 --> 00:44:56.567
And we're circling around,
and I bring them out onto the balcony,

973
00:44:56.568 --> 00:45:00.446
and we're looking at the ocean
on the terrace of this house.

974
00:45:00.447 --> 00:45:02.907
And Laura Bush, the former First Lady,
has a dimple, so...

975
00:45:02.908 --> 00:45:04.158
I'm a sucker for dimples.

976
00:45:04.159 --> 00:45:07.538
Like, every time I see one,
I'm like, "They're innocent," you know?

977
00:45:08.080 --> 00:45:09.372
I'd be a terrible juror.

978
00:45:09.373 --> 00:45:12.960
I'd just base all of my opinions
on people's looks and dimples.

979
00:45:14.211 --> 00:45:16.337
And then my brother Roy
walks out on the porch

980
00:45:16.338 --> 00:45:18.548
and sees Laura Bush,
the former First Lady,

981
00:45:18.549 --> 00:45:20.091
and says, "You look familiar."

982
00:45:20.092 --> 00:45:22.678
[audience laughing]

983
00:45:27.808 --> 00:45:31.436
Then they were leaving, and Barbara Bush,
my friend, was like, "Oh."

984
00:45:31.437 --> 00:45:34.397
I said, "We do Pilates every morning
outside if you wanna come over."

985
00:45:34.398 --> 00:45:36.065
She was newly married at the time.

986
00:45:36.066 --> 00:45:38.943
She said, "Yes, we're gonna come
every morning and do Pilates with you."

987
00:45:38.944 --> 00:45:40.820
So they started coming over every morning.

988
00:45:40.821 --> 00:45:43.239
Everyone was banging on
about pickleball at this point.

989
00:45:43.240 --> 00:45:45.742
I blame Covid for pickleball, right?

990
00:45:45.743 --> 00:45:48.704
We didn't have to hear about
fucking pickleball before Covid.

991
00:45:49.204 --> 00:45:53.708
Pickleball. That is not a subject
that I can take seriously.

992
00:45:53.709 --> 00:45:55.585
When people bang on and on about pickle...

993
00:45:55.586 --> 00:45:58.129
That is not real exercise, okay?

994
00:45:58.130 --> 00:46:00.298
So shut the fuck up about it.

995
00:46:00.299 --> 00:46:02.133
You would burn more calories

996
00:46:02.134 --> 00:46:06.387
shoving an actual pickle up your asshole
on a pickleball court

997
00:46:06.388 --> 00:46:08.181
than playing a game of pickleball.

998
00:46:08.182 --> 00:46:09.307
[audience laughing]

999
00:46:09.308 --> 00:46:12.059
Pickleball and Burning Man.
I don't wanna hear about that either.

1000
00:46:12.060 --> 00:46:13.978
Stop trying to convert me
and bring me there.

1001
00:46:13.979 --> 00:46:18.065
Burning Man is a bunch of rich people
trying to share for the very first time.

1002
00:46:18.066 --> 00:46:20.860
[audience laughing]

1003
00:46:20.861 --> 00:46:22.779
So everyone's talking about pickleball,

1004
00:46:22.780 --> 00:46:26.783
and Barbara Bush is like, "Let's have
a pickleball tournament at Kennebunkport."

1005
00:46:26.784 --> 00:46:29.577
"You... The Handlers versus the Bushes."

1006
00:46:29.578 --> 00:46:32.747
And I was like,
"Oh no, sissy. That's cute, but no."

1007
00:46:32.748 --> 00:46:34.665
"I'm not coming to Kennebunkport."

1008
00:46:34.666 --> 00:46:37.168
"I don't wanna be seen
with your father, okay?"

1009
00:46:37.169 --> 00:46:40.463
"I can't trust myself
in the company of your father."

1010
00:46:40.464 --> 00:46:42.840
- "I have outbursts."
- [audience laughing]

1011
00:46:42.841 --> 00:46:46.511
"And I'm as surprised as the next person
when they happen, okay?"

1012
00:46:46.512 --> 00:46:48.888
"I don't know
when I'm gonna go off on someone,

1013
00:46:48.889 --> 00:46:51.682
and when I do,
I'm also scared for that person."

1014
00:46:51.683 --> 00:46:54.769
"I certainly don't wanna do that
on someone's property, you know?"

1015
00:46:54.770 --> 00:46:58.440
"Be mean to your father
or confront him about who knows what."

1016
00:46:59.024 --> 00:47:03.152
And she's like, "Oh, sissy, don't worry.
I'll make sure Daddy's getting a massage."

1017
00:47:03.153 --> 00:47:04.695
[audience laughs]

1018
00:47:04.696 --> 00:47:06.572
I was like, "Don't call him Daddy."

1019
00:47:06.573 --> 00:47:07.990
[audience laughing]

1020
00:47:07.991 --> 00:47:09.784
"That is not my daddy."

1021
00:47:09.785 --> 00:47:11.411
[audience laughs]

1022
00:47:11.995 --> 00:47:15.164
"We're not going." My whole family,
my sister, the virgin one, was like,

1023
00:47:15.165 --> 00:47:17.375
"Don't take this opportunity
away from us."

1024
00:47:17.376 --> 00:47:19.335
"We wanna go to Kennebunkport, okay?"

1025
00:47:19.336 --> 00:47:21.379
"Just 'cause you
and your political bullshit,

1026
00:47:21.380 --> 00:47:23.631
you shouldn't take
this opportunity away from us."

1027
00:47:23.632 --> 00:47:26.425
"Just take one of your drugs
and subdue your personality."

1028
00:47:26.426 --> 00:47:28.928
[audience laughing]

1029
00:47:28.929 --> 00:47:31.849
And my sister's like,
"Take two. She's right. Take two."

1030
00:47:32.349 --> 00:47:34.976
And my brother Roy's like,
"She needs four... four edibles

1031
00:47:34.977 --> 00:47:36.185
if she's gonna calm down,

1032
00:47:36.186 --> 00:47:38.688
and that makes her
just like almost a mute."

1033
00:47:38.689 --> 00:47:43.234
So I took four 40 milligrams of THC
to go to Kennebunkport.

1034
00:47:43.235 --> 00:47:45.695
- Forty milligrams.
- [man] Yeah!

1035
00:47:45.696 --> 00:47:49.866
Yeah, and I'm like...
That doesn't even... I... I...

1036
00:47:49.867 --> 00:47:53.202
Listen, I understand that drugs
aren't for everyone. They're for me.

1037
00:47:53.203 --> 00:47:54.704
[audience laughing]

1038
00:47:54.705 --> 00:47:56.414
We have a great understanding.

1039
00:47:56.415 --> 00:47:57.623
We get along great.

1040
00:47:57.624 --> 00:48:01.210
It's almost like, if I am sober,
I have too much of an advantage.

1041
00:48:01.211 --> 00:48:02.920
[audience laughing]

1042
00:48:02.921 --> 00:48:05.381
So I took 40 milligrams of THC.

1043
00:48:05.382 --> 00:48:07.383
We show up at Kennebunkport.

1044
00:48:07.384 --> 00:48:12.638
We're on this pickleball court.
I have a visor on and, like, cargo shorts.

1045
00:48:12.639 --> 00:48:14.557
I look like a giant bull dyke.

1046
00:48:14.558 --> 00:48:15.975
[audience laughing]

1047
00:48:15.976 --> 00:48:19.312
I'm as high as a kite,
I have big, thick sunglasses on,

1048
00:48:19.313 --> 00:48:21.439
and we're on the pickleball court.

1049
00:48:21.440 --> 00:48:24.775
I'm not doing anything, 'cause you don't
have to when you play pickleball.

1050
00:48:24.776 --> 00:48:25.985
You just stand there.

1051
00:48:25.986 --> 00:48:27.194
[audience laughing]

1052
00:48:27.195 --> 00:48:28.739
And we're not on the court

1053
00:48:29.323 --> 00:48:32.159
for less than 30 seconds
before I hear the voice

1054
00:48:33.452 --> 00:48:35.202
of the former president
of the United States.

1055
00:48:35.203 --> 00:48:37.204
And he's like, "Ohhhhh."

1056
00:48:37.205 --> 00:48:38.164
[audience laughing]

1057
00:48:38.165 --> 00:48:40.958
"Ho-ho, I hear the funny lady is in town."

1058
00:48:40.959 --> 00:48:42.710
[audience laughing]

1059
00:48:42.711 --> 00:48:44.003
And I'm so stoned.

1060
00:48:44.004 --> 00:48:46.632
I'm like, "Oh no. No."

1061
00:48:47.132 --> 00:48:49.175
"I thought Daddy was getting a massage."

1062
00:48:49.176 --> 00:48:50.718
[audience laughing]

1063
00:48:50.719 --> 00:48:53.679
And I look across at the sister,
the one that I trust, you know?

1064
00:48:53.680 --> 00:48:57.224
And she's like, "It's him. It's him.
Shut the fuck up. Don't talk."

1065
00:48:57.225 --> 00:48:58.851
And I was like, "Brrrrr."

1066
00:48:58.852 --> 00:49:02.647
And I look over, and George W. Bush
is coming towards me with his arms open.

1067
00:49:02.648 --> 00:49:05.107
He's like, "Come here!"
I'm like, "Back the fuck up!"

1068
00:49:05.108 --> 00:49:06.025
[audience laughing]

1069
00:49:06.026 --> 00:49:09.487
I was like, "There's a pandemic
going on right now. You stand back!"

1070
00:49:09.488 --> 00:49:10.821
[audience laughs]

1071
00:49:10.822 --> 00:49:13.491
- And he's like, "What?!"
- I'm like, "A pandemic."

1072
00:49:13.492 --> 00:49:16.452
"I know you're on your own private Idaho
in this little island you live on,

1073
00:49:16.453 --> 00:49:17.954
or whatever the fuck this shit is."

1074
00:49:17.955 --> 00:49:20.498
[audience laughing]

1075
00:49:20.499 --> 00:49:22.792
And then my brother Roy
comes off the court,

1076
00:49:22.793 --> 00:49:26.045
looks at the former president,
goes, "You really look familiar."

1077
00:49:26.046 --> 00:49:28.422
[audience laughing]

1078
00:49:28.423 --> 00:49:30.675
So embarrassing, you know?

1079
00:49:30.676 --> 00:49:32.343
[audience laughing]

1080
00:49:32.344 --> 00:49:34.595
And he's like, "I wanna show you
my art collection."

1081
00:49:34.596 --> 00:49:37.932
He's like, "I'm a painter.
I've made a lot of paintings," you know.

1082
00:49:37.933 --> 00:49:40.184
I'm like, "Yeah, I know. I don't..."

1083
00:49:40.185 --> 00:49:42.980
"I don't... I don't want
to come with you, please."

1084
00:49:43.480 --> 00:49:44.689
Like, I'm so stoned.

1085
00:49:44.690 --> 00:49:47.066
All I want is for this to be over.

1086
00:49:47.067 --> 00:49:48.859
And he hooks his arm in my arm.

1087
00:49:48.860 --> 00:49:51.154
He's like, "Come on.
What are you scared of?"

1088
00:49:51.863 --> 00:49:54.949
And Barbara Bush is like,
"Just go with Daddy, sissy."

1089
00:49:54.950 --> 00:49:56.158
"Go with Daddy."

1090
00:49:56.159 --> 00:49:57.284
[audience laughing]

1091
00:49:57.285 --> 00:49:59.578
I'm like,
"Stop fucking calling him Daddy!"

1092
00:49:59.579 --> 00:50:02.748
[audience laughing]

1093
00:50:02.749 --> 00:50:05.710
And we go into this house,
and it's just him and me.

1094
00:50:05.711 --> 00:50:09.964
And I'm like, "What is happening?
Why is this afternoon so long?"

1095
00:50:09.965 --> 00:50:11.133
"You know, when..."

1096
00:50:11.675 --> 00:50:13.259
"When will this be over?"

1097
00:50:13.260 --> 00:50:15.344
And he shows me his first painting.

1098
00:50:15.345 --> 00:50:18.014
And I'm not someone
who knows a lot about art.

1099
00:50:18.015 --> 00:50:20.474
I'm a philistine, and I don't feel

1100
00:50:20.475 --> 00:50:22.893
even compelled to pretend
that I do, you know?

1101
00:50:22.894 --> 00:50:25.813
I'm not someone who's like, "I know."
I don't.

1102
00:50:25.814 --> 00:50:28.191
To me, art, I'm so glad it's there,
you know?

1103
00:50:28.734 --> 00:50:30.776
It's like a duvet cover. "Thank you."

1104
00:50:30.777 --> 00:50:33.696
[audience laughing]

1105
00:50:33.697 --> 00:50:36.490
"Thank you for being here.
I don't need a ton of backstory."

1106
00:50:36.491 --> 00:50:38.076
"I'm not that interested."

1107
00:50:41.038 --> 00:50:42.788
So I'm looking at the first painting,

1108
00:50:42.789 --> 00:50:45.792
and I'm just trying to think
of something to say that's like,

1109
00:50:46.293 --> 00:50:47.835
you know, about a painting.

1110
00:50:47.836 --> 00:50:49.962
I'm like, "Oh."

1111
00:50:49.963 --> 00:50:51.965
And he goes, "Take your sunglasses off."

1112
00:50:52.591 --> 00:50:54.217
"So you can see the painting."

1113
00:50:54.760 --> 00:50:56.427
And reflexively, I'm very honest.

1114
00:50:56.428 --> 00:50:59.180
I said, "Mr. President,
I'm as high as a kite right now."

1115
00:50:59.181 --> 00:51:00.389
[audience laughing]

1116
00:51:00.390 --> 00:51:02.975
"You need to know that
out of respect for the Office."

1117
00:51:02.976 --> 00:51:04.143
[audience laughs]

1118
00:51:04.144 --> 00:51:08.189
- And he went... [laughing heartily]
- [audience laughing]

1119
00:51:08.190 --> 00:51:09.566
[inhales]

1120
00:51:11.568 --> 00:51:13.986
And I was like, "Yes, I am."
And then we went up.

1121
00:51:13.987 --> 00:51:16.906
There were, like, three landings,
three different staircases.

1122
00:51:16.907 --> 00:51:19.033
All of his paintings
were on these landings

1123
00:51:19.034 --> 00:51:20.535
or on these stairwells.

1124
00:51:21.745 --> 00:51:24.080
And when we got to the last painting,
I really thought,

1125
00:51:24.081 --> 00:51:26.083
"I have to think of something to say."

1126
00:51:27.876 --> 00:51:31.837
And I just was staring at it, and...

1127
00:51:31.838 --> 00:51:34.049
and I said, "The paint is so

1128
00:51:34.633 --> 00:51:35.549
thick."

1129
00:51:35.550 --> 00:51:37.928
[audience laughing]

1130
00:51:40.305 --> 00:51:43.725
And my sister Simone was like,
"Okay! Time to go!"

1131
00:51:44.226 --> 00:51:47.019
She was at the bottom of the stairs
'cause she had followed me,

1132
00:51:47.020 --> 00:51:48.979
and I was like, "Oh, thank God," you know?

1133
00:51:48.980 --> 00:51:51.232
She would never have
left me alone with him.

1134
00:51:51.233 --> 00:51:56.403
And I also wanted to get out of there
before I ended up blowing Dick Cheney.

1135
00:51:56.404 --> 00:51:59.323
- I was like, "What is gonna happen next?"
- [audience laughing]

1136
00:51:59.324 --> 00:52:02.952
And then before I left, I said,
"Oh my God. Can we get a selfie together?"

1137
00:52:02.953 --> 00:52:04.662
Uh, and he said, "Of course," you know.

1138
00:52:04.663 --> 00:52:07.498
And I take a selfie
with George W. Bush and me.

1139
00:52:07.499 --> 00:52:10.292
And I run downstairs,
get in the car with my brother and sister,

1140
00:52:10.293 --> 00:52:13.170
and sent that picture
directly to Andrew Cuomo.

1141
00:52:13.171 --> 00:52:14.588
[audience laughing]

1142
00:52:14.589 --> 00:52:17.300
[cheering and applause]

1143
00:52:27.769 --> 00:52:29.895
[audience laughing]

1144
00:52:29.896 --> 00:52:33.858
I was like, "Good enough for a president,
but not good enough for a governor?"

1145
00:52:33.859 --> 00:52:35.484
[audience laughing]

1146
00:52:35.485 --> 00:52:37.862
And then it came out,
like, you know, six months later

1147
00:52:37.863 --> 00:52:39.697
that Andrew Cuomo was a predator,

1148
00:52:39.698 --> 00:52:42.324
and he was, like,
harassing everyone at his workplace.

1149
00:52:42.325 --> 00:52:45.035
Obviously he was a predator
and harassing everyone.

1150
00:52:45.036 --> 00:52:48.122
He was harassing all of us
on TV every day.

1151
00:52:48.123 --> 00:52:50.249
I just fucking loved it, you know.

1152
00:52:50.250 --> 00:52:51.626
[audience laughing]

1153
00:52:53.003 --> 00:52:54.295
Then my virgin sister called me.

1154
00:52:54.296 --> 00:52:58.507
And she goes, "It's interesting how you
extricate yourself from these situations."

1155
00:52:58.508 --> 00:53:02.179
"You could've been dating Andrew Cuomo.
You would be canceled right now."

1156
00:53:02.762 --> 00:53:04.430
I was like, "You sound disappointed."

1157
00:53:04.431 --> 00:53:06.849
- [audience laughing]
- She goes, "It's just interesting.

1158
00:53:06.850 --> 00:53:09.894
"Think about all the times
you get close to a bad situation."

1159
00:53:09.895 --> 00:53:13.147
She goes, "It's almost like
our dead mother is upstairs in heaven

1160
00:53:13.148 --> 00:53:16.775
just protecting you and making sure
you don't fuck your life up."

1161
00:53:16.776 --> 00:53:17.693
[audience laughs]

1162
00:53:17.694 --> 00:53:20.905
She's like, "Remember Martha McIntosh
when she had her braces installed?"

1163
00:53:20.906 --> 00:53:23.073
"You got out of there
just in the nick of time too."

1164
00:53:23.074 --> 00:53:24.783
[audience laughing]

1165
00:53:24.784 --> 00:53:26.702
She goes,
"This is just this all over again."

1166
00:53:26.703 --> 00:53:27.953
"You just got out of there."

1167
00:53:27.954 --> 00:53:30.665
"You didn't make the decision.
It just happened."

1168
00:53:32.042 --> 00:53:35.378
I said, "That's a very interesting way
of looking at everything."

1169
00:53:37.255 --> 00:53:40.675
"That's how you think our mom
is spending her time in heaven?"

1170
00:53:41.468 --> 00:53:44.053
"By cockblocking me on the ground?"

1171
00:53:44.054 --> 00:53:46.139
[audience laughing]

1172
00:53:48.642 --> 00:53:51.353
She's like, "Think about Bill Cosby.
Think about that."

1173
00:53:52.479 --> 00:53:54.147
I had forgotten about Bill Cosby.

1174
00:53:54.773 --> 00:53:58.442
I was in my twenties performing
at the Borgata Casino in Atlantic City,

1175
00:53:58.443 --> 00:53:59.818
and Bill Cosby was performing.

1176
00:53:59.819 --> 00:54:02.239
I was doing two nights.
He was doing two nights.

1177
00:54:02.739 --> 00:54:05.324
And after the first night,
I'm walking through the casino,

1178
00:54:05.325 --> 00:54:07.702
and the casino manager came up and said,

1179
00:54:09.079 --> 00:54:12.082
"Bill Cosby wants to meet you
in his hotel room at 3:00 p.m."

1180
00:54:13.124 --> 00:54:14.959
I was like, "I'll fuckin' be there."

1181
00:54:14.960 --> 00:54:17.045
[audience laughing]

1182
00:54:19.089 --> 00:54:22.550
And I had a security guard with me
and the guy who was opening for me.

1183
00:54:24.636 --> 00:54:27.639
And we walked up to Bill Cosby's room.
It was 2:50.

1184
00:54:28.974 --> 00:54:31.809
I'm always early, 'cause no one
picked me up from school.

1185
00:54:31.810 --> 00:54:33.227
[audience laughing]

1186
00:54:33.228 --> 00:54:36.272
And I'm waiting, and then I knock
on the door at three o'clock sharp,

1187
00:54:36.273 --> 00:54:38.065
and Bill Cosby opens the door.

1188
00:54:38.066 --> 00:54:40.859
I grew up worshiping Bill Cosby.

1189
00:54:40.860 --> 00:54:45.364
I grew up wanting my father
to be more professional like Bill Cosby.

1190
00:54:45.365 --> 00:54:49.827
I wanted my dad to have a gynecological
practice in our basement. You know?

1191
00:54:49.828 --> 00:54:53.622
With a swinging kitchen door
and a fucking... clean sweaters on.

1192
00:54:53.623 --> 00:54:57.209
My dad would have never had the tenacity
to get all the degrees necessary

1193
00:54:57.210 --> 00:54:58.502
to become a gynecologist.

1194
00:54:58.503 --> 00:55:01.423
He would have been more
of a farm-to-table gynecologist.

1195
00:55:02.132 --> 00:55:04.091
But I wanted to be part of that family.

1196
00:55:04.092 --> 00:55:06.260
I wanted to be sisters
with Rudy and Vanessa,

1197
00:55:06.261 --> 00:55:09.305
and I wanted to fuck the shit
out of my brother Theo.

1198
00:55:09.306 --> 00:55:11.515
That's what I wanted for myself.

1199
00:55:11.516 --> 00:55:13.350
[scattered laughter]

1200
00:55:13.351 --> 00:55:16.186
Bill Cosby wanted to meet me?
Bill Cosby knew who I was?

1201
00:55:16.187 --> 00:55:19.440
Do you know how, like, meaningful that was
when I was at that age

1202
00:55:19.441 --> 00:55:23.319
and we didn't know anything
about Bill Cosby that we know now?

1203
00:55:23.320 --> 00:55:25.612
I couldn't wait for him to open the door,
and when he did,

1204
00:55:25.613 --> 00:55:29.033
he had that huge
Jell-O pudding smile, you know.

1205
00:55:29.034 --> 00:55:31.827
And he opened the door,
and I looked at him, and he looked at me,

1206
00:55:31.828 --> 00:55:34.079
and I jumped into his arms.

1207
00:55:34.080 --> 00:55:35.873
And I was like, "Dad, I'm home."

1208
00:55:35.874 --> 00:55:37.124
[audience laughing]

1209
00:55:37.125 --> 00:55:40.794
And we held each other,
you know, for moments.

1210
00:55:40.795 --> 00:55:43.172
And then, finally, he released me.

1211
00:55:43.173 --> 00:55:47.217
And then the door opened to emerge
that I was with two men

1212
00:55:47.218 --> 00:55:48.927
that he hadn't seen,

1213
00:55:48.928 --> 00:55:52.766
and his face turned from
a Jell-O pudding smile into a big frown.

1214
00:55:53.391 --> 00:55:55.934
And I didn't know at the time
what was going on.

1215
00:55:55.935 --> 00:56:00.230
Now I know that he was like, "Do I have
enough roofies for all of these people?"

1216
00:56:00.231 --> 00:56:02.817
[audience laughing]

1217
00:56:07.739 --> 00:56:11.700
And we walk into Bill Cosby's room,
and we're sitting there.

1218
00:56:11.701 --> 00:56:15.204
And he's got
this huge, palatial presidential suite.

1219
00:56:15.205 --> 00:56:20.000
And I'm sitting there with my opener
and my security guard.

1220
00:56:20.001 --> 00:56:23.295
And he just starts laying into the guy
that's opening for me.

1221
00:56:23.296 --> 00:56:25.214
Bill Cosby telling the guy

1222
00:56:25.215 --> 00:56:28.342
that he'll never amount to anything
opening for a woman.

1223
00:56:28.343 --> 00:56:29.968
[disappointed reactions]

1224
00:56:29.969 --> 00:56:32.971
And at first, I thought we were...
I was like, "Is this a j... Ha-ha!"

1225
00:56:32.972 --> 00:56:35.182
- Like...
- [audience laughing]

1226
00:56:35.183 --> 00:56:37.309
"Are we on, you know, <i>Punk'd</i>? Like, what..."

1227
00:56:37.310 --> 00:56:42.022
And then I realized
he was, like, venomous and mean.

1228
00:56:42.023 --> 00:56:45.192
[coughs] And I was a young woman.
I didn't know how to stand up for myself.

1229
00:56:45.193 --> 00:56:47.569
But I had to, you know.
I had to stand up for my friend.

1230
00:56:47.570 --> 00:56:50.656
I was like, "We have to get up.
Like, this is awful."

1231
00:56:50.657 --> 00:56:53.659
"What is he doing?"
And we walked out of that room,

1232
00:56:53.660 --> 00:56:57.287
and I'll never forget,
the three of us were so... um...

1233
00:56:57.288 --> 00:57:00.124
Ugh, it was the worst feeling, you know?
That...

1234
00:57:00.125 --> 00:57:03.169
Walking, we couldn't even say anything
to each other.

1235
00:57:04.045 --> 00:57:06.798
They always say, "Never meet your idols."

1236
00:57:08.842 --> 00:57:10.802
And I've only had two idols.

1237
00:57:11.469 --> 00:57:13.720
Woody Allen and Bill Cosby.

1238
00:57:13.721 --> 00:57:15.807
[audience laughing]

1239
00:57:26.192 --> 00:57:28.652
And then that story came out
about six years later,

1240
00:57:28.653 --> 00:57:32.574
that Bill Cosby was roofieing every woman
that came to his hotel room.

1241
00:57:33.199 --> 00:57:35.033
And so my virgin sister called me again.

1242
00:57:35.034 --> 00:57:38.078
She's like, "Well, now we know
why Bill Cosby

1243
00:57:38.079 --> 00:57:40.122
was in such a bad mood that day."

1244
00:57:40.123 --> 00:57:42.125
[audience laughing]

1245
00:57:43.501 --> 00:57:45.419
And I was like,
"Little does Bill Cosby know

1246
00:57:45.420 --> 00:57:48.130
that that roofie wouldn't have put
a fucking dent in me."

1247
00:57:48.131 --> 00:57:49.089
[audience laughing]

1248
00:57:49.090 --> 00:57:52.634
Thank you, New Jersey!
Thank you for such a fun show!

1249
00:57:52.635 --> 00:57:54.261
- Thank you!
- [cheering and applause]

1250
00:57:54.262 --> 00:57:56.431
- [rock music playing]
- Thank you, guys!

1251
00:57:57.056 --> 00:57:58.182
Thank you, guys!

1252
00:57:58.183 --> 00:58:00.476
[cheering and applause continues]

1253
00:58:00.477 --> 00:58:02.687
Thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you.

1254
00:58:05.690 --> 00:58:06.858
Thank you!

1255
00:58:09.986 --> 00:58:11.362
Thank you, guys!

1256
00:58:16.826 --> 00:58:18.828
[upbeat rock music playing]

1257
00:59:10.922 --> 00:59:13.091
[music fades]