1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000
Downloaded from
YTS.MX
2
00:00:04,546 --> 00:00:09,051
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Jessica Kirson!
3
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000
Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
4
00:00:12,554 --> 00:00:15,474
Oh, my God!
5
00:00:15,557 --> 00:00:17,601
Oh, my God!
6
00:00:17,684 --> 00:00:23,440
Thank you!
Thank you so much! Thank you!
7
00:00:23,524 --> 00:00:25,776
So nice.
8
00:00:25,859 --> 00:00:30,030
Hi, guys. Keep clapping.
Thank you so much.
9
00:00:30,113 --> 00:00:32,407
Thank you, that's so nice!
10
00:00:32,491 --> 00:00:34,868
Stand up.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
11
00:00:38,914 --> 00:00:41,333
Thank you. I love you guys.
12
00:00:41,416 --> 00:00:43,752
God, there's so many gay men here.
Oh, my God.
13
00:00:43,835 --> 00:00:46,463
Wow. Holy shit.
14
00:00:46,547 --> 00:00:48,048
You're all up front, too.
15
00:00:48,131 --> 00:00:50,592
- Did anyone come alone?
- Yeah!
16
00:00:50,676 --> 00:00:53,220
Yeah, I come alone a lot.
That's why...
17
00:01:00,143 --> 00:01:02,980
I'm miserable.
You know, I've always been--
18
00:01:03,063 --> 00:01:06,275
I was even depressed as a child,
you know what I'm saying?
19
00:01:06,358 --> 00:01:08,026
My friends would be like,
"Let's play house."
20
00:01:08,110 --> 00:01:09,861
I'm like, "Let's play hospice care."
21
00:01:11,572 --> 00:01:13,949
Every time I go through TSA,
22
00:01:14,032 --> 00:01:15,033
this is totally true,
23
00:01:15,117 --> 00:01:17,828
I get patted down
almost every single time
24
00:01:17,911 --> 00:01:19,204
because I think they look at me
25
00:01:19,288 --> 00:01:21,123
and they're like,
"This woman needs affection.
26
00:01:21,206 --> 00:01:23,458
"This woman...
27
00:01:23,542 --> 00:01:24,960
"...needs to be held.
28
00:01:25,043 --> 00:01:26,753
This woman needs something."
29
00:01:26,837 --> 00:01:30,299
And they always pat down
my shoulders, my legs, my back.
30
00:01:30,382 --> 00:01:31,842
I'm like, "Could you touch my crotch?
31
00:01:31,925 --> 00:01:34,928
"Is there any way
you could finger me?
32
00:01:35,012 --> 00:01:36,430
"Because I need...
33
00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:41,268
...to be fingered immediately."
34
00:01:41,351 --> 00:01:45,063
Sometimes, I swallow loose change
or an ion battery.
35
00:01:46,481 --> 00:01:50,777
Or a Honda Accord,
so that they get more handsy.
36
00:01:52,029 --> 00:01:55,240
I've even put a roast there,
so the dogs get involved.
37
00:01:57,576 --> 00:02:00,120
If you didn't just laugh at that,
you should die, that is...
38
00:02:07,002 --> 00:02:11,340
When you go through security
and they do touch you in the groin area,
39
00:02:11,423 --> 00:02:13,967
this is for women, I don't know
if they do the same thing for men,
40
00:02:14,051 --> 00:02:17,804
they literally go, "Would you like us
to take you in the back?"
41
00:02:17,888 --> 00:02:21,016
And I'm like,
"Ha! I'd prefer it."
42
00:02:23,769 --> 00:02:27,064
Take me in the back and pull my hair
and tell me I'm not funny.
43
00:02:28,315 --> 00:02:31,151
And if you keep this up,
I'm gonna have a lot more
44
00:02:31,234 --> 00:02:33,195
than three and a half ounces
of liquid on me.
45
00:02:45,791 --> 00:02:46,875
You guys are great.
46
00:02:46,958 --> 00:02:50,295
I do a lot of shows in Florida
for very old people.
47
00:02:50,379 --> 00:02:53,256
Some of you know that.
They're 80, 90.
48
00:02:53,340 --> 00:02:55,926
Some have passed.
And the thing is...
49
00:02:59,137 --> 00:03:02,849
...a lot of times I don't hear laughter
for 45 minutes to an hour.
50
00:03:04,017 --> 00:03:06,645
I just hear bodily functions.
51
00:03:06,728 --> 00:03:09,231
Moaning, groaning.
52
00:03:09,314 --> 00:03:10,649
Just...
53
00:03:29,543 --> 00:03:30,877
Help me!
54
00:03:32,671 --> 00:03:34,506
Somebody help me!
55
00:03:37,592 --> 00:03:39,302
They yell out at me.
I'm not kidding.
56
00:03:39,386 --> 00:03:41,179
One woman s--
once yelled out,
57
00:03:41,263 --> 00:03:42,514
"Comedian!
58
00:03:44,724 --> 00:03:48,228
"Comedian, get me a seltzer water.
59
00:03:50,272 --> 00:03:53,275
I'm thirsty.
Get it."
60
00:03:53,358 --> 00:03:57,195
I'm like, "Get your own
seltzer water, Sylvia, you fucking bitch."
61
00:04:07,330 --> 00:04:09,708
One woman once yelled out,
"Clown!"
62
00:04:09,791 --> 00:04:11,334
She called me a clown.
63
00:04:12,461 --> 00:04:13,795
Can you imagine?
64
00:04:13,879 --> 00:04:15,130
I hear,
"Clown!
65
00:04:16,131 --> 00:04:18,341
Cloooooown!"
66
00:04:19,384 --> 00:04:22,596
It sounded like a llama
getting a colonoscopy.
67
00:04:25,515 --> 00:04:28,810
One guy once yelled out, "Bingo!"
I'm like, "What?"
68
00:04:30,645 --> 00:04:32,272
Who's playing Bingo?
69
00:04:34,524 --> 00:04:37,694
Can you imagine what they say during sex?
Can you imagine?
70
00:04:37,778 --> 00:04:39,946
"Suck my dick, Sylvia!"
71
00:04:43,074 --> 00:04:45,702
"Come on my face, Seymour."
72
00:04:51,792 --> 00:04:53,627
"Did you pay the insurance?
73
00:04:54,753 --> 00:04:56,338
"I crashed the car today.
74
00:04:57,547 --> 00:04:59,674
The cleaning lady is stealing from us."
75
00:05:01,009 --> 00:05:02,177
"She too--
76
00:05:02,260 --> 00:05:04,346
She took my everything bagel seasoning."
77
00:05:14,439 --> 00:05:16,399
I do those developments in Florida,
78
00:05:16,483 --> 00:05:19,986
those 55-and-over developments,
and they have other programs going on.
79
00:05:20,070 --> 00:05:23,031
And I had to check them out.
Like, I had to see what's going on there.
80
00:05:23,114 --> 00:05:24,908
And one of the things they had going on
81
00:05:24,991 --> 00:05:27,244
was "Sex and Intimacy
in Your Elder Years".
82
00:05:27,327 --> 00:05:28,537
And I was like, "That's good."
83
00:05:28,620 --> 00:05:30,997
You know,
that's a great program for these people.
84
00:05:31,081 --> 00:05:34,000
But I looked at the brochure,
and I was really blown away.
85
00:05:34,084 --> 00:05:35,252
I thought it was beautiful.
86
00:05:35,335 --> 00:05:38,463
So, I-I copied down the different subjects
that they go over
87
00:05:38,547 --> 00:05:41,216
and the different classes they have,
and I wanted to read it to you guys.
88
00:05:41,299 --> 00:05:44,928
Do you guys wanna hear it? Yeah.
89
00:05:46,805 --> 00:05:47,973
It made me emotional.
90
00:05:48,056 --> 00:05:51,268
I think you guys are really
gonna get emotional from this.
91
00:05:51,893 --> 00:05:53,270
It's really beautiful.
92
00:05:53,353 --> 00:05:56,648
Um, "Getting to Know Each Other Again."
Isn't that beautiful?
93
00:05:59,025 --> 00:06:00,652
Yeah, I know, I really...
94
00:06:00,735 --> 00:06:02,821
"Simple Stretches for Intimacy".
95
00:06:03,697 --> 00:06:04,865
That's nice.
96
00:06:04,948 --> 00:06:08,285
You know, I think these people
need to stretch before they...
97
00:06:09,744 --> 00:06:13,832
"Assisted Sex, the Do's and Don'ts
of Bringing Your Aide Into the Bedroom".
98
00:06:15,166 --> 00:06:16,167
That's...
99
00:06:17,878 --> 00:06:19,796
that's important.
It, like...
100
00:06:22,090 --> 00:06:24,217
"How to Remember
Your Partner's Name".
101
00:06:24,301 --> 00:06:25,719
That's...
102
00:06:26,469 --> 00:06:28,722
I wouldn't want someone
to forget my name.
103
00:06:30,098 --> 00:06:32,976
"How to be Intimate
While the Middle East is in Crisis".
104
00:06:37,230 --> 00:06:39,065
I think it's really...
105
00:06:39,149 --> 00:06:41,401
Yeah.
106
00:06:43,528 --> 00:06:46,114
"Elderly Abuse:
S&M in Your 80s".
107
00:06:48,033 --> 00:06:49,326
I would go to that.
108
00:06:53,496 --> 00:06:56,666
"Finding the Clit
When You Can't Find Your Keys".
109
00:06:56,750 --> 00:06:58,710
This is--
110
00:06:58,793 --> 00:07:02,714
I would run to that one
'cause I'm always losing things.
111
00:07:08,345 --> 00:07:09,679
Yeah.
112
00:07:09,763 --> 00:07:12,390
This one is very important
for the gay men,
113
00:07:12,474 --> 00:07:14,517
um, and the straight women in the crowd.
114
00:07:14,601 --> 00:07:16,686
I mean, you guys
would definitely take this.
115
00:07:16,770 --> 00:07:18,521
You would never want
to forget how to do this.
116
00:07:18,605 --> 00:07:20,440
"Deep Throating with Dementia".
117
00:07:20,523 --> 00:07:22,442
This is...
118
00:07:24,402 --> 00:07:26,655
You know what I mean? You would...
119
00:07:31,242 --> 00:07:32,452
Thank you. Um...
120
00:07:34,371 --> 00:07:37,374
Thank you.
121
00:07:41,044 --> 00:07:43,963
If you want to know about me,
this is really true.
122
00:07:44,047 --> 00:07:47,842
If you really want to know about me,
you have to see my vibrator.
123
00:07:47,926 --> 00:07:52,430
It is a fucking mess.
It says a lot about a person.
124
00:07:52,514 --> 00:07:54,015
You know, a lot of women are like,
125
00:07:54,099 --> 00:07:57,435
"I bought a new vibrator.
It's purple. It's amazing. I deserve it."
126
00:07:57,519 --> 00:08:00,814
My vibrator, it's--
It has pieces missing from it.
127
00:08:00,897 --> 00:08:02,190
I'm serious.
128
00:08:02,273 --> 00:08:04,442
They're inside of me.
I have...
129
00:08:05,694 --> 00:08:08,488
...more plastic inside of me
than the Pacific Ocean.
130
00:08:08,571 --> 00:08:09,656
It is...
131
00:08:10,782 --> 00:08:12,450
I-- It's that magic wand.
132
00:08:12,534 --> 00:08:15,620
It is this-- It's-It's enormous.
It's this long.
133
00:08:15,704 --> 00:08:19,833
It is s-- It's like a jackhammer,
it is so powerful.
134
00:08:19,916 --> 00:08:21,459
Do you know, I dropped it the other day,
135
00:08:21,543 --> 00:08:23,253
and my neighbors
got an earthquake warning?
136
00:08:23,336 --> 00:08:24,629
It is fucking--
137
00:08:25,964 --> 00:08:29,300
I also use it as an immersion blender,
so it's very...
138
00:08:30,844 --> 00:08:32,887
...helpful.
I make split pea soup with it.
139
00:08:32,971 --> 00:08:35,390
It's really--
That's my merch.
140
00:08:35,473 --> 00:08:38,268
Split pea soup.
I sell it after my shows.
141
00:08:40,353 --> 00:08:43,940
Anyway, it plugs into the wall,
that's how disgusting it is.
142
00:08:44,023 --> 00:08:47,277
It's not even cordless
because I hate myself.
143
00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:50,238
I half-stand when I use it.
This is not a joke.
144
00:08:50,321 --> 00:08:52,824
I, I half--
It doesn't make it to the bed.
145
00:08:52,907 --> 00:08:55,368
I look like I'm up to bat,
I swear to God.
146
00:08:57,328 --> 00:08:59,622
I stand like this.
147
00:08:59,706 --> 00:09:02,542
And when I come,
I literally sound like an umpire.
148
00:09:02,625 --> 00:09:05,420
I'm like, "Strike!"
You know what I mean?
149
00:09:11,259 --> 00:09:13,303
Room service knocked
on the door the other day,
150
00:09:13,386 --> 00:09:15,305
and I'm like, "You're outta here!"
151
00:09:20,727 --> 00:09:23,104
Do you want to hear the sound
I really make when I'm coming?
152
00:09:23,188 --> 00:09:25,398
This is very vulnerable. Yeah.
153
00:09:28,610 --> 00:09:30,695
Help me!
154
00:09:30,779 --> 00:09:32,906
Who the fuck are you?!
155
00:09:42,665 --> 00:09:46,294
I actually did just buy new sex toys.
This is really true.
156
00:09:46,377 --> 00:09:48,546
I-I went crazy
'cause I'm like, "You deserve it.
157
00:09:48,630 --> 00:09:50,673
You've been making money,
you're doing well."
158
00:09:50,757 --> 00:09:52,467
I did. Thank you.
159
00:09:53,051 --> 00:09:55,970
You guys are amazing.
I spent $684.
160
00:09:56,054 --> 00:09:57,472
This is not a joke.
161
00:09:57,555 --> 00:09:59,265
I clicked on everything.
I'm like, "Fuck it."
162
00:09:59,349 --> 00:10:00,600
And it came in a pack--
and I'm like,
163
00:10:00,683 --> 00:10:02,977
"I don't know what to do with any of this.
And a lot of it's intense."
164
00:10:03,061 --> 00:10:04,479
So now, I've just been
using it for other--
165
00:10:04,562 --> 00:10:07,565
I use the nipple clamps
to seal my chip bags. Um...
166
00:10:09,734 --> 00:10:12,570
I've been using the paddles
when I play my mother in pickleball.
167
00:10:12,654 --> 00:10:14,072
That's been very...
168
00:10:15,448 --> 00:10:17,867
I use the butt plug
to seal my wine bottles.
169
00:10:17,951 --> 00:10:20,036
That's been very helpful.
170
00:10:20,120 --> 00:10:22,080
I use the ball gag,
so I don't binge at night.
171
00:10:22,163 --> 00:10:23,665
That is really...
172
00:10:25,792 --> 00:10:27,877
I bought a swing,
which I always wanted.
173
00:10:27,961 --> 00:10:29,838
So now, I just put it on the porch.
174
00:10:30,964 --> 00:10:35,176
And I love watching the sunset
between my legs, it is...
175
00:10:39,764 --> 00:10:40,765
...so rela...
176
00:10:41,391 --> 00:10:43,393
Um...
177
00:10:44,894 --> 00:10:46,396
Wasn't that hot, ladies?
178
00:10:51,359 --> 00:10:53,528
I look like I'm turned on
by my own shit. Like...
179
00:10:56,281 --> 00:10:58,116
That wasn't funny what you just said.
180
00:10:59,284 --> 00:11:01,995
You were doing great,
and you just did a joke,
181
00:11:02,078 --> 00:11:05,331
and you knew it wasn't gonna do well,
and you did it anyway.
182
00:11:05,415 --> 00:11:09,210
Don't sabotage yourself.
You deserve success.
183
00:11:09,294 --> 00:11:11,337
Everything--
184
00:11:11,421 --> 00:11:13,298
Everything is gonna be okay.
185
00:11:13,381 --> 00:11:14,465
Woo!
186
00:11:14,549 --> 00:11:17,343
You're doing great. You are.
187
00:11:17,427 --> 00:11:19,512
Today, you ate a bag of Tostitos
188
00:11:19,596 --> 00:11:21,723
and told yourself
it was a serving of corn.
189
00:11:26,811 --> 00:11:29,898
Most of you just laughed at that.
Some of you didn't get it.
190
00:11:29,981 --> 00:11:32,734
But what I just did was very creative,
but you're dumb.
191
00:11:32,817 --> 00:11:34,819
Um...
192
00:11:36,654 --> 00:11:38,364
Trust me, there's a couple
of people who are like,
193
00:11:38,448 --> 00:11:40,950
"What the fuck just happened?
194
00:11:41,034 --> 00:11:43,286
"Where the fuck am I?
195
00:11:43,369 --> 00:11:46,080
Is that Kirstie Alley?
I thought she died."
196
00:11:56,883 --> 00:11:58,843
I had a threesome once.
This is true.
197
00:11:58,927 --> 00:12:02,513
Isn't that hot? Yeah, I did. Yeah.
198
00:12:02,597 --> 00:12:05,767
It was crazy.
Um, yeah, it was amazing
199
00:12:05,850 --> 00:12:09,395
'cause I have ADD,
and I was very confused and overwhelmed.
200
00:12:09,479 --> 00:12:11,856
There were so many tits and holes.
201
00:12:11,940 --> 00:12:14,776
I, I felt like I was playing
Whac-A-Mole.
202
00:12:14,859 --> 00:12:17,111
I was just...
203
00:12:17,195 --> 00:12:20,114
...swinging my hands around like,
"What is going on?"
204
00:12:20,198 --> 00:12:22,700
I ended up giving myself a hickey.
It was un...
205
00:12:24,327 --> 00:12:28,414
I was smacking my own ass,
asking myself if I liked it.
206
00:12:28,498 --> 00:12:30,250
"Do you like it?"
"What?"
207
00:12:30,333 --> 00:12:31,501
"It's me."
"Who?"
208
00:12:31,584 --> 00:12:33,753
"Who's on third?"
You know, it was so...
209
00:12:35,088 --> 00:12:37,799
I choked myself. And, and-- Ugh.
210
00:12:39,801 --> 00:12:42,720
I ended up blacking out.
I woke up two hours later.
211
00:12:42,804 --> 00:12:44,973
The two women had left,
my watch was missing,
212
00:12:45,056 --> 00:12:46,599
and I was covered in Cool Whip.
213
00:12:51,020 --> 00:12:53,523
"I was covered in Cool Whip."
214
00:12:59,570 --> 00:13:03,241
Yeah. You know, I've been,
I've been out, uh, for a while.
215
00:13:03,324 --> 00:13:05,827
I was, uh, you know,
I was with men for a while
216
00:13:05,910 --> 00:13:08,621
at the University of Maryland,
um, in blackouts.
217
00:13:08,705 --> 00:13:11,040
Um...
218
00:13:11,124 --> 00:13:13,835
I was so drunk, I didn't even
know they weren't women.
219
00:13:13,918 --> 00:13:15,253
Uh...
220
00:13:15,336 --> 00:13:18,256
I was like,
"Wow, your clit is huge."
221
00:13:24,679 --> 00:13:27,598
There's lesbians here, right?
I just-- Yeah, I--
222
00:13:27,682 --> 00:13:28,683
She looked angry.
223
00:13:28,766 --> 00:13:31,227
Um...
224
00:13:31,311 --> 00:13:33,396
When guys watch lesbian porn,
225
00:13:33,479 --> 00:13:35,606
they think that's what it--
like, women with long nails
226
00:13:35,690 --> 00:13:37,650
and tons of makeup on,
you know what I mean? Like,
227
00:13:37,734 --> 00:13:40,528
"Oh, my God, Tiffany,
your fingers feel so good in my pussy.
228
00:13:41,654 --> 00:13:45,408
Harder. Harder.
Give me a hysterectomy."
229
00:13:46,993 --> 00:13:49,620
Real lesbian porn
is women just sitting around
230
00:13:49,704 --> 00:13:51,122
crying and eating hummus.
231
00:13:51,205 --> 00:13:53,499
It's...
232
00:13:55,293 --> 00:13:58,129
very depressing.
233
00:13:58,671 --> 00:14:00,673
I think I was born gay
'cause my mom
234
00:14:00,757 --> 00:14:02,592
said the second I came out,
I was like...
235
00:14:05,511 --> 00:14:08,139
"Ahhhh!"
236
00:14:08,222 --> 00:14:10,641
Woo!
237
00:14:10,725 --> 00:14:13,436
Yeah, I even had a double-sided pacifier.
238
00:14:18,524 --> 00:14:21,319
You know, there's categories
for lesb-- and for gay men.
239
00:14:21,402 --> 00:14:24,363
But the lesbian categ-- you know, butch,
femme, Dora the Explorer.
240
00:14:25,531 --> 00:14:27,241
Trust me, she's a fuckin' dyke.
241
00:14:27,325 --> 00:14:29,744
She's always hiking,
and she looks enraged.
242
00:14:31,412 --> 00:14:32,997
I hate that bitch, you know?
243
00:14:33,081 --> 00:14:35,541
"Backpack, backpack."
244
00:14:38,461 --> 00:14:40,713
The biggest cave she explores
is her girlfriend.
245
00:14:40,797 --> 00:14:42,048
Trust me, she's fucking...
246
00:14:44,509 --> 00:14:45,885
You know what's in that backpack?
247
00:14:45,968 --> 00:14:48,930
Her cat's ashes, a journal,
and a huge fucking dildo.
248
00:14:49,013 --> 00:14:50,181
I'm serious.
249
00:14:54,560 --> 00:14:56,104
You guys are so great.
250
00:14:58,773 --> 00:15:01,692
I'm not a specific type of li--
I guess-- I-I mean, I'm butch,
251
00:15:01,776 --> 00:15:03,402
but I'm not butch-butch,
you know what I mean?
252
00:15:03,486 --> 00:15:06,030
Like, I'll open a door for a woman,
but I can't build one.
253
00:15:06,114 --> 00:15:07,615
You know, that kind of...
254
00:15:12,370 --> 00:15:13,871
Yeah, it's really like that.
255
00:15:13,955 --> 00:15:16,582
You know, I would never
fight someone, but I'll fist you.
256
00:15:16,666 --> 00:15:18,292
You know that kind of...
257
00:15:20,795 --> 00:15:23,256
Some of you aren't laughing.
Let me do a couple more.
258
00:15:23,339 --> 00:15:25,466
Um...
259
00:15:26,676 --> 00:15:30,346
I would never fly a plane,
but I love a good landing strip.
260
00:15:30,429 --> 00:15:33,432
I do.
261
00:15:38,229 --> 00:15:41,065
I would never go fishing.
That's a butch thing, you know?
262
00:15:41,149 --> 00:15:43,484
But I'll shuck a clam.
I will shuck...
263
00:15:49,198 --> 00:15:51,659
I'm into traditional
kinds of relationships.
264
00:15:51,742 --> 00:15:54,829
Like, I'm-I'm the breadwinner.
I date feminine women, you know?
265
00:15:54,912 --> 00:15:56,289
You know, it's important to me
266
00:15:56,372 --> 00:15:58,416
that they cook and clean
and do the laundry.
267
00:15:59,834 --> 00:16:01,460
They fucking better!
268
00:16:12,638 --> 00:16:15,558
There was just someone not laughing,
but just mouthing my face, just...
269
00:16:22,273 --> 00:16:23,900
I'm tired in bed at this point.
270
00:16:23,983 --> 00:16:26,569
You know, I'm lazy.
It-- I really am.
271
00:16:26,652 --> 00:16:29,322
I'm just like, "Sit on me
and spin around like a dreidel.
272
00:16:29,405 --> 00:16:30,948
I'm fucking exhausted."
273
00:16:32,742 --> 00:16:35,536
The last time a woman
sat on my face, I fell asleep.
274
00:16:35,620 --> 00:16:37,163
I was like...
275
00:16:37,246 --> 00:16:40,208
It was fine, it was like a warm eye mask,
you know what I'm saying?
276
00:16:43,920 --> 00:16:47,089
She was so wooly,
I started counting sheep.
277
00:16:51,010 --> 00:16:52,803
Um...
278
00:16:59,310 --> 00:17:00,686
Most of you just laugh.
279
00:17:00,770 --> 00:17:02,939
Odds are, there's a couple
of homophobes in the crowd.
280
00:17:03,022 --> 00:17:04,565
They're all-- I mean, come on.
281
00:17:04,649 --> 00:17:06,359
There's definitely
some straight men here
282
00:17:06,442 --> 00:17:08,444
who get hard at the gym
and don't know why.
283
00:17:13,824 --> 00:17:16,285
Some guys, you know,
don't accept that you're gay.
284
00:17:16,369 --> 00:17:18,579
That's the thing.
And they'll say the dumbest things.
285
00:17:18,663 --> 00:17:19,997
They really will.
Like, these--
286
00:17:20,081 --> 00:17:22,583
I remember one guy was like,
"Do you guy-- Do you scissor?
287
00:17:22,667 --> 00:17:25,544
Like, do fucking women scissor?
Have you scissored in a while?"
288
00:17:25,628 --> 00:17:28,130
I'm like, "Oh, please,
I've been scissoring for years."
289
00:17:29,048 --> 00:17:30,049
I've sheared.
290
00:17:30,132 --> 00:17:32,969
Okay, at this point, I'm shearing.
291
00:17:35,972 --> 00:17:37,265
They've said dumb things to me.
292
00:17:37,348 --> 00:17:39,141
Like, when I was younger,
this guy was like,
293
00:17:39,225 --> 00:17:40,393
"I could change you."
294
00:17:40,476 --> 00:17:41,561
I'll never forget this.
295
00:17:41,644 --> 00:17:45,314
"I can change you.
Trust me, I can change you."
296
00:17:45,398 --> 00:17:47,984
I'm like,
"Sir, you smell like shit."
297
00:17:49,819 --> 00:17:52,905
I need to change you, like, literally.
298
00:17:54,865 --> 00:17:57,118
I-- I need to change--
Like, I need to change you.
299
00:17:57,201 --> 00:17:58,661
You stink.
300
00:18:02,206 --> 00:18:04,875
One guy was like,
"You just haven't been with the right guy.
301
00:18:04,959 --> 00:18:07,253
Trust me.
You haven't been with the right guy."
302
00:18:07,336 --> 00:18:09,839
I'm like,
"I am the right guy."
303
00:18:14,135 --> 00:18:15,761
So great.
304
00:18:17,597 --> 00:18:18,681
I am.
305
00:18:18,764 --> 00:18:20,975
I'm like, "Just ask
my girlfriend, Melissa.
306
00:18:21,058 --> 00:18:23,436
My tongue is like a flag
in a windstorm."
307
00:18:30,860 --> 00:18:33,863
I have four daughters
from two different women.
308
00:18:33,946 --> 00:18:36,532
Um, I just couldn't stop
nutting inside of them.
309
00:18:39,493 --> 00:18:42,079
I wanted to spread my seed, you know?
310
00:18:42,163 --> 00:18:44,081
My sesame seed.
311
00:18:50,046 --> 00:18:51,714
I saw--
312
00:18:51,797 --> 00:18:53,549
I saw an old friend recently,
and she's like,
313
00:18:53,633 --> 00:18:55,843
"Oh, my God, was it planned?"
314
00:18:58,429 --> 00:19:00,806
I think it's the dumbest question
315
00:19:00,890 --> 00:19:04,560
that anyone has ever
asked me in my entire life
316
00:19:04,644 --> 00:19:07,772
if my children with women was planned.
317
00:19:08,773 --> 00:19:11,859
I'm like, "No, my condom broke."
318
00:19:18,741 --> 00:19:22,578
There are religious people who will say
that gay people want their kids to be gay,
319
00:19:22,662 --> 00:19:24,413
that we try to make them gay.
320
00:19:24,497 --> 00:19:25,998
I know some of you
might not have heard this,
321
00:19:26,082 --> 00:19:27,792
but that is completely true.
322
00:19:28,834 --> 00:19:31,879
It's true. I hate admitting it.
323
00:19:31,962 --> 00:19:35,549
But that is the only reason
why I agreed to have children
324
00:19:35,633 --> 00:19:37,885
was to create four big dykes.
325
00:19:39,387 --> 00:19:41,180
'Cause it's an easier life.
326
00:19:41,263 --> 00:19:45,518
So, why wouldn't I want that
for my four precious daughters?
327
00:19:45,601 --> 00:19:49,271
So, we are doing everything we can
to make that happen.
328
00:19:49,355 --> 00:19:53,275
I don't care if they're kind,
I don't care if they're loving.
329
00:19:53,359 --> 00:19:55,528
I don't even care if they're educated.
330
00:19:55,611 --> 00:19:59,031
I just want them
to be fucking truck drivers.
331
00:20:01,117 --> 00:20:03,452
Yep.
332
00:20:03,536 --> 00:20:06,580
Because I want them to be accepted.
333
00:20:06,664 --> 00:20:09,417
And by the way,
we're out to get your kids too,
334
00:20:09,500 --> 00:20:11,252
to the straight people in the crowd.
335
00:20:12,545 --> 00:20:14,922
Every gay person
in this audience knows it
336
00:20:15,005 --> 00:20:17,174
because we're on secret
Facebook groups.
337
00:20:18,342 --> 00:20:20,636
We get emails.
Did you guys get the email today?
338
00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:23,472
It was-- Yeah, you got it?
It was so intense.
339
00:20:23,556 --> 00:20:26,642
We have Amber Alerts on our phones.
340
00:20:26,726 --> 00:20:29,395
Gay Amber Alerts.
They're called Gamber Alerts.
341
00:20:30,604 --> 00:20:32,189
They go...
♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪
342
00:20:33,649 --> 00:20:35,443
♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪
343
00:20:37,445 --> 00:20:41,031
And when there's a child
that's really close, it's amped up.
344
00:20:41,115 --> 00:20:43,659
♪ La-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la ♪
345
00:20:46,245 --> 00:20:48,122
We have candy.
346
00:20:49,582 --> 00:20:51,375
We have vans,
we have cookies.
347
00:20:51,459 --> 00:20:55,212
We have Fag Newtons,
we have Fag Newton--
348
00:20:56,547 --> 00:20:58,507
We even have very long nets.
349
00:20:58,591 --> 00:21:02,553
We can grab your children
off of your lawns,
350
00:21:02,636 --> 00:21:06,724
bring them into our vans
and make them gay within five minutes.
351
00:21:07,975 --> 00:21:10,978
Let me give you an example.
If you have a boy on your lawn who's like,
352
00:21:11,061 --> 00:21:13,981
"I wanna play football, Dad,"
353
00:21:14,064 --> 00:21:16,942
I will-- my Gamber Alert will go off.
354
00:21:17,026 --> 00:21:19,069
♪ La-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la-la ♪
355
00:21:20,237 --> 00:21:21,614
♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪
356
00:21:21,697 --> 00:21:24,700
I will jump into my van.
357
00:21:27,578 --> 00:21:30,122
I will grab my Fag Newtons,
I will...
358
00:21:32,166 --> 00:21:33,626
...drive up to your house.
359
00:21:33,709 --> 00:21:36,462
I will grab one of my nets.
I have 11 of them.
360
00:21:38,047 --> 00:21:39,882
Look at some of you.
"Wow, that's a lot."
361
00:21:39,965 --> 00:21:40,966
You're liter--
362
00:21:43,302 --> 00:21:45,846
I will grab your child,
bring them into my van.
363
00:21:45,930 --> 00:21:49,391
And within five minutes,
that same little boy that was like,
364
00:21:49,475 --> 00:21:50,851
"I wanna play football,"
365
00:21:50,935 --> 00:21:53,229
five minutes later,
will come outta my van and be like,
366
00:21:53,312 --> 00:21:55,940
♪ I wanna be on Broadway ♪
367
00:21:56,023 --> 00:21:59,109
- ♪ Papa ♪
368
00:22:11,914 --> 00:22:14,208
So, we are doing everything we can
369
00:22:14,291 --> 00:22:18,587
to turn our four daughters
into big, dyke, butch lesbians.
370
00:22:18,671 --> 00:22:20,798
We've been taking them
to a lot of softball games
371
00:22:20,881 --> 00:22:23,217
just to get the mannerisms down.
372
00:22:23,300 --> 00:22:25,553
We forbid them
to eat hot dogs, of course,
373
00:22:25,636 --> 00:22:28,097
they can only eat clams and oysters.
374
00:22:28,180 --> 00:22:31,976
And we named all four of them
Hillary Rodham Clinton because...
375
00:22:34,854 --> 00:22:37,731
...we know how much people
love her in this country,
376
00:22:37,815 --> 00:22:39,775
so we just...
377
00:22:39,859 --> 00:22:43,070
Every time I say her name,
the whole crowd goes, "Ha, ha!"
378
00:22:48,868 --> 00:22:52,162
My, uh, my three youngest
are actually really girly.
379
00:22:52,246 --> 00:22:54,832
That's the funny thing.
They always wear dresses
380
00:22:54,915 --> 00:22:56,458
and they dress up in crowns.
381
00:22:56,542 --> 00:22:59,628
They're so cute.
And they do shows for me a lot.
382
00:22:59,712 --> 00:23:02,381
And they fucking suck.
They suck...
383
00:23:04,508 --> 00:23:07,553
...so bad.
It is painful because I'm a performer
384
00:23:07,636 --> 00:23:10,472
and I'm like, "Gotta get it together.
This is--
385
00:23:10,556 --> 00:23:13,809
Mama doesn't have a lot of downtime.
This is really..."
386
00:23:13,893 --> 00:23:16,812
I'm like, "Twirl around, bitch!"
You know what I mean?
387
00:23:16,896 --> 00:23:20,107
"Do a split, motherfucker!"
Like, this is...
388
00:23:21,442 --> 00:23:23,986
I went to their dance recital
with all the other kids,
389
00:23:24,069 --> 00:23:26,071
and I literally was watching them.
It looked like--
390
00:23:26,155 --> 00:23:27,948
They looked like wandering Jews,
they were just...
391
00:23:29,491 --> 00:23:31,035
It looked like a methadone clinic.
392
00:23:31,118 --> 00:23:35,706
Like, just people walking around
the hallway looking for a nurse.
393
00:23:38,500 --> 00:23:42,004
One of the kids in their class
fell into the band,
394
00:23:42,087 --> 00:23:43,714
and then she had the nerve to bow.
395
00:23:43,797 --> 00:23:45,633
I'm like, "Are you fucking kidding me?"
396
00:23:47,384 --> 00:23:49,345
The other parents were throwing flowers.
397
00:23:49,428 --> 00:23:52,306
I threw a brick.
I was like, "Fuck you."
398
00:23:57,227 --> 00:23:59,063
They were like,
"Let's go for ice cream."
399
00:23:59,146 --> 00:24:01,857
I'm like, "Mom is gonna relapse.
This is it, this..."
400
00:24:05,152 --> 00:24:07,613
They put me down a lot
'cause kids are honest, you know?
401
00:24:07,696 --> 00:24:09,907
You know that, they'll say everything
that's on their mind.
402
00:24:09,990 --> 00:24:12,952
Like, this is literally what happened.
This is where material comes from.
403
00:24:13,035 --> 00:24:15,996
I was in the shower recently,
and my daughter walked in
404
00:24:16,080 --> 00:24:18,832
and literally looked me
up and down, and looked disgusted.
405
00:24:18,916 --> 00:24:20,125
She was like...
406
00:24:23,420 --> 00:24:24,922
And then, I swear,
407
00:24:25,005 --> 00:24:27,383
she starts crying
looking at my naked body.
408
00:24:27,466 --> 00:24:29,468
She's like...
409
00:24:32,638 --> 00:24:35,432
So, I open the door and I'm like,
"Are you okay, honey?"
410
00:24:35,516 --> 00:24:37,810
And you're gonna laugh.
This is literally what she said to me.
411
00:24:37,893 --> 00:24:40,104
She goes,
"I don't wanna look like you."
412
00:24:43,565 --> 00:24:46,151
I'm like, "It's okay.
We used Mommy's egg."
413
00:24:46,235 --> 00:24:47,861
Like, I didn't know what to say to her.
414
00:24:50,990 --> 00:24:53,784
She literally put me down again.
She looked at me and she goes,
415
00:24:53,867 --> 00:24:57,621
"Mama,
you have eyelashes in your nostrils."
416
00:24:59,331 --> 00:25:01,041
I'm like, "Fuck you!
417
00:25:02,292 --> 00:25:04,670
You smell like a barn animal, bitch."
418
00:25:10,342 --> 00:25:12,428
They always wanna hear
the same stories,
419
00:25:12,511 --> 00:25:14,138
and lately, it's been Cinderella.
420
00:25:14,221 --> 00:25:15,889
Some of you know this
if you have kids.
421
00:25:15,973 --> 00:25:19,810
And it's-- I'm like, I am so sick
of telling the story of Cinderella.
422
00:25:19,893 --> 00:25:22,479
I've been telling it for literally
like a month and a half.
423
00:25:22,563 --> 00:25:24,440
I'm like, "Can we say another story now?"
424
00:25:24,523 --> 00:25:26,525
They're like,
"I wanna hear Cinderella.
425
00:25:26,608 --> 00:25:29,903
"I only wanna hear Cinderella.
426
00:25:30,904 --> 00:25:32,573
Cinderella."
427
00:25:32,656 --> 00:25:36,160
I'm like, "Okay, this bitch
wasn't invited to a party.
428
00:25:37,953 --> 00:25:41,415
"She went there, and she blew a guy,
and she left a shoe.
429
00:25:44,126 --> 00:25:46,503
"He came to find her,
and they fuck forever.
430
00:25:49,048 --> 00:25:51,258
Now, we're gonna do
Beauty and the Beast!"
431
00:26:00,684 --> 00:26:04,063
My 17-year-old only talks to me
in TikTok dances,
432
00:26:04,146 --> 00:26:06,023
and I have no idea what she's saying.
433
00:26:07,066 --> 00:26:09,193
You can't understand
what these kids are saying anymore.
434
00:26:09,276 --> 00:26:12,029
She's like, literally, she's like,
"Mama, seriously,
435
00:26:12,112 --> 00:26:14,073
"you were supposed to pick me up
from school the other day
436
00:26:14,156 --> 00:26:15,240
"and you were, like, so late.
437
00:26:15,324 --> 00:26:17,993
I don't even know what's going on."
438
00:26:18,077 --> 00:26:19,328
And I'm like, "What?"
439
00:26:19,411 --> 00:26:20,579
And she's like,
"Why don't you understand me?
440
00:26:20,662 --> 00:26:22,748
Like, everyone else understands me."
441
00:26:23,165 --> 00:26:25,000
So, now I just talk to her like that too
442
00:26:25,084 --> 00:26:26,752
because she doesn't listen to me anyway.
443
00:26:26,835 --> 00:26:30,422
I'm like, "Zoe, seriously?"
444
00:26:36,136 --> 00:26:38,514
She's like,
"You're so cringe.
445
00:26:39,598 --> 00:26:42,309
You are, like, so cringe."
446
00:26:42,392 --> 00:26:44,770
I'm like, "No, this is cringe."
447
00:26:48,982 --> 00:26:51,110
Um...
448
00:26:53,278 --> 00:26:55,906
I just pulled something
in the back of my shoulder. I--
449
00:26:58,367 --> 00:27:00,661
She introduced me
to her boyfriend, Blake, recently.
450
00:27:00,744 --> 00:27:02,121
I don't care what anyone says,
451
00:27:02,204 --> 00:27:05,374
teenage boys are the most
awkward people on the planet.
452
00:27:05,457 --> 00:27:07,167
You can argue with me, I don't care.
453
00:27:07,251 --> 00:27:10,254
She's like,
"Mama, this is Blake. I love him."
454
00:27:12,131 --> 00:27:13,799
This was Blake.
I'm like, "Hi, Blake."
455
00:27:13,882 --> 00:27:15,384
He's like,
"Hey."
456
00:27:52,546 --> 00:27:53,755
"What's up?"
457
00:27:53,839 --> 00:27:55,382
Woo!
458
00:27:55,465 --> 00:27:57,885
I'm like, "Does Blake
have to go to the hospital?
459
00:27:59,136 --> 00:28:02,222
"Does he wear a fucking helmet?
Like, what is wrong with this kid?
460
00:28:03,390 --> 00:28:05,684
He just peed all over my living room."
461
00:28:10,647 --> 00:28:14,401
I stood by her room to listen to them talk
'cause I need material,
462
00:28:14,484 --> 00:28:16,278
and it literally...
463
00:28:19,531 --> 00:28:21,783
...sounded like a petting zoo, um,
464
00:28:21,867 --> 00:28:24,036
where the animals
were dying to get out.
465
00:28:24,119 --> 00:28:25,662
She was like,
"Oh, my God, Blake,
466
00:28:25,746 --> 00:28:26,914
I can't wait for your soccer."
467
00:28:28,540 --> 00:28:32,210
He was like...
468
00:28:32,294 --> 00:28:35,088
And she's like...
469
00:28:35,172 --> 00:28:37,257
And he was like...
470
00:28:37,341 --> 00:28:40,093
I never thought of getting a gun
until that moment.
471
00:28:40,177 --> 00:28:41,637
I was like...
472
00:28:46,183 --> 00:28:50,312
You know, having kids is interesting
because I-- uh, my parents are amazing,
473
00:28:50,395 --> 00:28:52,940
but my father was tough.
You know, he was really tough.
474
00:28:53,023 --> 00:28:56,234
He, he was the funniest person
I've ever met in my life,
475
00:28:56,318 --> 00:28:57,819
and very loving in a lot of ways.
476
00:28:57,903 --> 00:29:00,697
But he was tough, you know,
he was like-- had a temper,
477
00:29:00,781 --> 00:29:04,826
um, and he w--
he also wore an enormous toupee.
478
00:29:04,910 --> 00:29:07,829
And that is an interesting combination
479
00:29:07,913 --> 00:29:10,332
because what he would do
when he was enraged
480
00:29:10,415 --> 00:29:12,751
is that he would rip it off and throw it.
481
00:29:12,834 --> 00:29:15,837
Um...
482
00:29:15,921 --> 00:29:20,842
And... it had tape on it,
and it was very big.
483
00:29:20,926 --> 00:29:22,552
Um...
484
00:29:22,636 --> 00:29:26,014
like, we were in a store once
and he got very upset
485
00:29:26,098 --> 00:29:28,350
and he's like,
"I don't like these prices."
486
00:29:28,433 --> 00:29:30,102
And he just...
487
00:29:32,354 --> 00:29:33,897
...threw it into an aisle.
488
00:29:33,981 --> 00:29:35,440
Um...
489
00:29:35,524 --> 00:29:37,734
and then, he left the store,
490
00:29:37,818 --> 00:29:40,153
and he's like,
"Jessi, go get my hair."
491
00:29:42,030 --> 00:29:43,740
And I'm like,
"Dad, that's a body part.
492
00:29:43,824 --> 00:29:45,993
You know what I'm saying? Like, that's..."
493
00:29:46,076 --> 00:29:48,245
So, I went to get it,
and I put it on my head,
494
00:29:48,328 --> 00:29:51,164
and I've been wearing it ever since,
you know?
495
00:29:51,248 --> 00:29:53,166
Um, yeah.
496
00:29:53,250 --> 00:29:55,877
Thank you for clapping
at my horrible hair.
497
00:29:55,961 --> 00:29:57,462
That makes me feel good.
498
00:30:00,215 --> 00:30:02,217
Yeah, he, uh, he would, you know,
499
00:30:02,300 --> 00:30:04,761
he'd get upset, like, when things
would spill or stuff, you know?
500
00:30:04,845 --> 00:30:07,431
One time, I spill a cup of water,
501
00:30:07,514 --> 00:30:12,686
and he literally was like,
"Oh, man, there's water on the floor!"
502
00:30:12,769 --> 00:30:14,521
And I'm like, "It's-It's just a cup, Dad."
503
00:30:14,604 --> 00:30:17,482
"It's not a cup.
It's like a pitcher-full.
504
00:30:17,566 --> 00:30:19,693
"There's a pitcher of water.
505
00:30:19,776 --> 00:30:21,820
"It's gonna go everywhere.
It's like a flood.
506
00:30:21,903 --> 00:30:24,614
"There's a flood in the house
and I'm gonna slip on it
507
00:30:24,698 --> 00:30:26,033
"and I'm gonna break my neck.
508
00:30:26,116 --> 00:30:29,369
"And business is bad.
The market's a mess.
509
00:30:29,453 --> 00:30:31,204
"But what the fuck?
What am I gonna do?
510
00:30:31,288 --> 00:30:33,999
You caused the market
to be a mess."
511
00:30:34,541 --> 00:30:36,209
Um--
512
00:30:36,293 --> 00:30:39,212
So, now
I overcompensate with my kids.
513
00:30:39,296 --> 00:30:40,964
Like, I c-- I c--
I don't reprimand.
514
00:30:41,048 --> 00:30:42,716
Like, my daughter
spilled water recently on me.
515
00:30:42,799 --> 00:30:44,760
"It's okay!
516
00:30:44,843 --> 00:30:46,845
"It's okay that you spilled water!
517
00:30:46,928 --> 00:30:51,183
"Mama spills water all the time!
You're not gonna be damaged!
518
00:30:51,266 --> 00:30:53,602
"Look, Mama's spilling
a bucket of water!
519
00:30:53,685 --> 00:30:55,228
"Here's a hose.
Look!
520
00:30:55,312 --> 00:30:57,230
"Look, there's water
all over the place!
521
00:30:57,314 --> 00:30:58,899
It's okay!"
522
00:30:58,982 --> 00:31:00,067
Anyway, um...
523
00:31:01,443 --> 00:31:03,445
...my--
524
00:31:07,449 --> 00:31:09,868
My daughter put her finger
in the socket recently.
525
00:31:09,951 --> 00:31:11,912
I'm like, "It's okay you put
your finger in the socket!
526
00:31:12,662 --> 00:31:14,915
"Mama put a toaster
in the bath today!
527
00:31:16,708 --> 00:31:18,543
I tried to kill myself!"
528
00:31:26,384 --> 00:31:30,055
My daughter literally wrote,
"I hate lesbian Jews" on the floor,
529
00:31:30,138 --> 00:31:32,641
and I'm like,
"What a beautiful project!"
530
00:31:34,601 --> 00:31:36,061
"You're so creative!"
531
00:31:36,144 --> 00:31:37,354
Okay.
532
00:31:41,566 --> 00:31:44,611
I left there and fucked my face
with 86 Twinkies.
533
00:31:44,694 --> 00:31:46,571
That's what really happened.
534
00:31:46,655 --> 00:31:48,198
Gotta do what you gotta do!
535
00:31:48,281 --> 00:31:49,282
What?
536
00:31:49,366 --> 00:31:50,367
You gotta do what you gotta do.
537
00:31:50,450 --> 00:31:53,120
I love you.
"You gotta do what you gotta do."
538
00:31:54,287 --> 00:31:55,997
That's so New York.
539
00:31:56,081 --> 00:32:01,711
"If you have to
fuck your face with 86 Twinkies, do it."
540
00:32:05,799 --> 00:32:09,261
So New York. I love it.
541
00:32:09,928 --> 00:32:12,180
Yeah.
542
00:32:12,264 --> 00:32:13,890
At least it wasn't 87.
543
00:32:23,066 --> 00:32:26,570
I, uh, I almost blew up
during COVID again.
544
00:32:26,653 --> 00:32:29,030
So, I was like, I better do something.
This is really true.
545
00:32:29,114 --> 00:32:30,448
So, I joined Weight Watchers,
546
00:32:30,532 --> 00:32:33,076
where you download the app
and it counts the points.
547
00:32:33,160 --> 00:32:34,661
The problem is, I lie on it.
548
00:32:34,744 --> 00:32:39,624
I lie on my own app,
and I'm the only one that sees it.
549
00:32:39,708 --> 00:32:41,459
Do you know how fucked up that is?
550
00:32:42,711 --> 00:32:47,424
The other day, I had a pint of ice cream
and I wrote down, "One baby carrot."
551
00:32:53,138 --> 00:32:55,182
I also lie on other apps too.
552
00:32:55,265 --> 00:32:58,185
I bought a Fitbit,
and now I just strap it on my dog
553
00:32:58,268 --> 00:33:01,396
and take him to the track.
554
00:33:01,479 --> 00:33:05,025
And he's exhausted,
but I feel great about my progress.
555
00:33:06,902 --> 00:33:10,405
I'm such a liar.
I don't even have a fucking dog.
556
00:33:10,488 --> 00:33:11,865
I don't.
557
00:33:15,619 --> 00:33:18,705
I lie when I'm getting room service.
This is so vulnerable.
558
00:33:18,788 --> 00:33:21,124
Like, I don't have to tell
you guys this, but I do.
559
00:33:21,208 --> 00:33:22,292
It's amazing.
560
00:33:22,375 --> 00:33:23,835
Like, when I call,
I don't want the person
561
00:33:23,919 --> 00:33:25,545
knowing how much
I'm ordering for myself.
562
00:33:25,629 --> 00:33:28,965
I'll never even meet this person,
but I care what they think of me.
563
00:33:29,049 --> 00:33:30,717
It's pathetic.
So, I'll be like,
564
00:33:30,800 --> 00:33:33,261
"Hi, can I get two orders
of chicken wings?
565
00:33:33,345 --> 00:33:35,388
"Hold on.
Do you want ranch?
566
00:33:37,432 --> 00:33:39,059
"Or blue cheese?
567
00:33:40,977 --> 00:33:44,147
"Okay, he'll have six sides of ranch.
568
00:33:45,440 --> 00:33:47,776
"'Cause he's a fat fuck, he is...
569
00:33:49,194 --> 00:33:53,073
...out of control."
570
00:33:58,078 --> 00:33:59,079
Yeah.
571
00:34:00,372 --> 00:34:01,873
Yeah, it's amazing. I, uh--
572
00:34:01,957 --> 00:34:04,501
You know, I really did
lose another person.
573
00:34:04,584 --> 00:34:06,544
Like, weight-wise,
I lost another person.
574
00:34:06,628 --> 00:34:10,298
I lost my hungrier, happier self.
That's really...
575
00:34:11,633 --> 00:34:13,468
Her name is Fatalie Porkman.
576
00:34:13,551 --> 00:34:15,387
Um...
577
00:34:16,054 --> 00:34:18,431
It's true, and sometimes
she comes to visit me,
578
00:34:18,515 --> 00:34:21,518
and, uh, it's a lot, you know,
'cause she'll be like,
579
00:34:21,601 --> 00:34:25,105
"Remember when we would
go to the buffet
580
00:34:25,188 --> 00:34:27,565
"and eat all the egg rolls?
581
00:34:28,775 --> 00:34:31,236
"That was a blast!
582
00:34:31,319 --> 00:34:34,531
"Remember when we got
hit by a car,
583
00:34:34,614 --> 00:34:37,492
"and the car was totaled?
584
00:34:37,575 --> 00:34:40,578
"And we walked away unscathed?
585
00:34:42,998 --> 00:34:47,836
"Remember when we stole
all the Halloween candy
586
00:34:47,919 --> 00:34:51,798
from those three girls
and ran for our lives?"
587
00:34:56,594 --> 00:34:58,638
That's exhausting,
I have to tell you.
588
00:34:58,722 --> 00:35:01,224
That is a workout
to do that character.
589
00:35:07,647 --> 00:35:09,524
I went to camp for fat kids.
590
00:35:09,608 --> 00:35:11,359
Uh, it was-- No, it was great.
591
00:35:11,443 --> 00:35:13,820
Some of you will get sad
because I don't know why.
592
00:35:13,903 --> 00:35:15,530
Fat camp was fun.
593
00:35:15,614 --> 00:35:17,115
We all went on our own bus.
594
00:35:17,198 --> 00:35:18,950
We used to play--
595
00:35:20,660 --> 00:35:23,038
We--
596
00:35:24,164 --> 00:35:27,792
We used to play a lot of fun games
like breathing, chafing.
597
00:35:30,378 --> 00:35:32,589
Try to hide and seek.
That was fun.
598
00:35:34,341 --> 00:35:37,677
I would say to my friend, Jody,
"I can see you behind the barn.
599
00:35:39,596 --> 00:35:42,390
You need to find a mountain.
I mean..."
600
00:35:46,311 --> 00:35:49,731
There were no top bunks
for safety reasons, of course.
601
00:35:52,734 --> 00:35:54,819
We loved playing catch...
602
00:35:54,903 --> 00:35:56,488
our breath.
You know, it was...
603
00:36:01,034 --> 00:36:03,119
We used to have to go
for walks every morning.
604
00:36:03,203 --> 00:36:04,496
That was great, we'd hear...
605
00:36:07,707 --> 00:36:11,169
And we'd walk up and down hills,
you know, next to cattle.
606
00:36:11,252 --> 00:36:12,796
This is totally true.
607
00:36:12,879 --> 00:36:16,257
And people that would drive
into town would get-- be supportive.
608
00:36:16,341 --> 00:36:19,219
You know, they'd yell out,
"Good job, kids!"
609
00:36:19,302 --> 00:36:21,805
And we would go...
610
00:36:29,104 --> 00:36:32,899
I gave my first handjob in fat camp.
This is totally true.
611
00:36:32,982 --> 00:36:35,276
It took me an hour to find his dick.
612
00:36:35,360 --> 00:36:39,447
I'm like, "Where the fuck
is this thing?!"
613
00:36:39,531 --> 00:36:41,700
It was like another camp activity.
614
00:36:43,159 --> 00:36:44,786
I felt like I was kneading bread.
615
00:36:44,869 --> 00:36:47,664
I really did, like I was ab...
616
00:36:47,747 --> 00:36:50,375
Do you know when he came,
warm butter came out?
617
00:36:55,839 --> 00:36:58,591
No wonder why I stayed fat.
It was delicious.
618
00:37:12,063 --> 00:37:14,858
So, I went to a trauma center. Um...
619
00:37:14,941 --> 00:37:18,570
I love that segue.
620
00:37:19,571 --> 00:37:22,824
"It was warm butter, it was delicious.
I went to a trauma center."
621
00:37:24,325 --> 00:37:27,579
And I got sober, uh, during COVID.
622
00:37:27,662 --> 00:37:30,707
Um, and it was-- Thank you.
Thank you so much for supporting.
623
00:37:30,790 --> 00:37:33,376
I'm joking. I'm totally joking that.
624
00:37:34,836 --> 00:37:37,172
Yeah, this is upbeat.
Anyway, um,
625
00:37:37,255 --> 00:37:40,592
no, it's great.
I mean, I-I had a problem with drugs.
626
00:37:40,675 --> 00:37:42,177
You know you have a problem with cocaine
627
00:37:42,260 --> 00:37:44,429
when you're like,
"It's my turn," and you're alone.
628
00:37:44,512 --> 00:37:46,222
That's a fucking problem.
629
00:37:47,682 --> 00:37:48,850
You guys are so great.
630
00:37:53,146 --> 00:37:54,981
I will relapse before I die.
631
00:37:55,064 --> 00:37:57,275
I'm telling you,
I'm gonna relapse on crystal meth,
632
00:37:57,358 --> 00:38:00,403
because I never tried it,
and, um, I will.
633
00:38:00,487 --> 00:38:03,907
I'll live in an over-55
development in Florida,
634
00:38:03,990 --> 00:38:04,991
and I'll be like,
635
00:38:05,074 --> 00:38:07,410
"I just ran
around the golf course 68 times.
636
00:38:07,494 --> 00:38:08,495
Who wants to fuck?"
637
00:38:08,578 --> 00:38:09,746
You know what I'm saying?
638
00:38:15,210 --> 00:38:17,378
"Get over here, Shelby."
639
00:38:23,843 --> 00:38:26,846
When I got to the, um,
the place, it was amazing
640
00:38:26,930 --> 00:38:30,225
'cause the woman that checked me in,
uh, was unbelievable.
641
00:38:30,308 --> 00:38:31,810
It was the first person I saw there.
642
00:38:31,893 --> 00:38:34,604
And I literally walked in the office
and I sat down,
643
00:38:34,687 --> 00:38:35,814
and she literally looked at me
644
00:38:35,897 --> 00:38:37,565
and she's like,
"Hello.
645
00:38:39,025 --> 00:38:41,319
"Welcome to the trauma center.
646
00:38:43,071 --> 00:38:46,407
"You're gonna get a lot
of things done here.
647
00:38:46,491 --> 00:38:49,202
"We're gonna take
really good care of you.
648
00:38:50,537 --> 00:38:53,248
"You're gonna heal a lot of wounds.
649
00:38:53,331 --> 00:38:58,211
You're gonna do breath work
and exposure therapy."
650
00:38:58,294 --> 00:39:00,255
I'm like, "Are you a patient?"
651
00:39:05,134 --> 00:39:08,972
"Did you leave a group?"
Like, what the fuck is going on right now?
652
00:39:10,890 --> 00:39:13,768
I looked down to see
if she was wearing paper slippers.
653
00:39:13,852 --> 00:39:15,144
I was like...
654
00:39:17,897 --> 00:39:20,275
And then we dated,
and it was really...
655
00:39:21,693 --> 00:39:23,736
...an incredible relationship.
656
00:39:29,909 --> 00:39:32,537
I, uh, I did therapy with a horse.
657
00:39:32,620 --> 00:39:35,790
Um, I did equine therapy.
Don't even ask.
658
00:39:35,874 --> 00:39:39,419
I would've never done this
if I wasn't in such bad shape.
659
00:39:40,253 --> 00:39:42,547
I mean, I'm very open,
but this was a lot.
660
00:39:42,630 --> 00:39:43,631
Uh...
661
00:39:44,048 --> 00:39:46,217
and the woman took me down there
and she's like,
662
00:39:46,301 --> 00:39:48,469
"We're gonna do
therapy with a horse,
663
00:39:48,553 --> 00:39:50,263
"and it's really gonna heal you.
664
00:39:50,346 --> 00:39:52,557
"Um, you're gonna stand
across from the horse
665
00:39:52,640 --> 00:39:55,226
"and the horse
is gonna take on your feelings,
666
00:39:55,310 --> 00:39:57,020
and the horse is gonna mirror you."
667
00:39:57,103 --> 00:40:01,190
And, um, I'm like, "If the horse
takes on my feelings
668
00:40:01,274 --> 00:40:03,109
"and experiences
what I'm experience,
669
00:40:03,192 --> 00:40:05,695
"it's gonna fucking kill itself, okay?
670
00:40:07,030 --> 00:40:09,908
"It's gonna drop dead,
because I'm not okay.
671
00:40:09,991 --> 00:40:13,912
Do you understand that
I'm not okay right now?"
672
00:40:14,412 --> 00:40:18,750
So, I stood...
across from this horse.
673
00:40:18,833 --> 00:40:22,086
I'm literally staring
in this horse's face.
674
00:40:22,170 --> 00:40:25,882
And I felt like it was like--
I really felt like the horse
675
00:40:25,965 --> 00:40:29,177
was looking at me like,
"Wow, another horse."
676
00:40:29,260 --> 00:40:30,803
You know what I mean? Like...
677
00:40:36,267 --> 00:40:38,394
"She's pretty, you know?"
I really...
678
00:40:40,188 --> 00:40:44,233
And then I look down,
and the horse had a hard-on, I swear.
679
00:40:44,317 --> 00:40:46,235
Has anyone ever seen
a horse with a hard-on?
680
00:40:46,319 --> 00:40:49,614
It's, it's a wiffle bat.
It is enormous.
681
00:40:49,697 --> 00:40:53,493
It's this big, okay?
It's huge.
682
00:40:53,576 --> 00:40:56,788
And I really felt good.
I'm not kidding.
683
00:40:56,871 --> 00:41:01,960
It was the best I felt during
my time at the trauma center.
684
00:41:03,169 --> 00:41:07,840
I finally turned something on.
685
00:41:09,759 --> 00:41:11,970
And then I sucked it,
and the thing is...
686
00:41:20,520 --> 00:41:24,315
...I was shocked because warm butter
came out, you know what I mean?
687
00:41:28,903 --> 00:41:31,739
I, uh, I really am trying
to take care of myself.
688
00:41:31,823 --> 00:41:34,534
And, uh, you know,
I went to Sephora recently.
689
00:41:34,617 --> 00:41:37,453
That's the butch thing about me,
I do not know how to put on makeup.
690
00:41:37,537 --> 00:41:39,956
I've tried for years;
I don't know how.
691
00:41:40,039 --> 00:41:41,499
And when I put on makeup,
692
00:41:41,582 --> 00:41:43,668
I look like I've been passed
around at a frat party.
693
00:41:43,751 --> 00:41:45,253
It's a fucking
694
00:41:45,336 --> 00:41:47,588
mess.
695
00:41:48,089 --> 00:41:50,800
So, I--
I went to Sephora,
696
00:41:50,883 --> 00:41:55,054
and I went up to the most
bedazzled gay guy I could find.
697
00:41:55,138 --> 00:41:57,515
I know.
698
00:41:57,598 --> 00:42:02,061
Heaven for me. Heaven, because I knew
he'd be honest with me.
699
00:42:02,145 --> 00:42:04,522
'Cause those young girls
are full of shit, you know?
700
00:42:04,605 --> 00:42:07,608
They're like,
"You look great. You're doing a great job.
701
00:42:07,692 --> 00:42:09,485
"You are. You can do it.
702
00:42:09,569 --> 00:42:11,446
"And you're thin,
you're thin.
703
00:42:11,529 --> 00:42:13,823
And your boobs are even.
They're real--"
704
00:42:13,906 --> 00:42:15,700
And I'm like,
"No, my boobs aren't even,
705
00:42:15,783 --> 00:42:17,452
and my bra looks like a dog toy."
706
00:42:17,535 --> 00:42:19,370
But anyway...
707
00:42:21,581 --> 00:42:25,084
I went up to him and I was like,
"Uh, can you help me?"
708
00:42:25,168 --> 00:42:26,794
And literally, he looked at me
and he goes,
709
00:42:26,878 --> 00:42:28,087
"Oh, honey!
710
00:42:29,422 --> 00:42:31,841
"We have a lot of work to do!
711
00:42:34,802 --> 00:42:36,846
"This bitch is a mess.
And she's famous.
712
00:42:36,929 --> 00:42:38,848
"I know you from TikTok.
713
00:42:38,931 --> 00:42:41,851
In every video,
you look like Michael Jackson."
714
00:42:50,651 --> 00:42:53,071
I was there for hours,
I'm not kidding.
715
00:42:53,154 --> 00:42:54,489
He spent hours on me.
716
00:42:54,572 --> 00:42:56,991
Do you know, when I left there,
I looked like a drag queen.
717
00:42:57,075 --> 00:42:59,077
I looked like RuPaul.
718
00:42:59,160 --> 00:43:02,580
I had a wig on, a gown, high heels.
719
00:43:02,663 --> 00:43:04,499
I had a dick.
Do you understand?
720
00:43:07,043 --> 00:43:09,629
I got head.
You know, the thing is...
721
00:43:17,095 --> 00:43:21,224
I, uh-- This crowd, I have to tell you,
you guys have been unbelievable.
722
00:43:21,307 --> 00:43:23,935
I really love this crowd. Thank you.
723
00:43:25,186 --> 00:43:27,438
I'm so grateful to you guys.
724
00:43:28,147 --> 00:43:30,274
You know, I-I love my fans.
725
00:43:30,358 --> 00:43:34,904
Uh, I-- been doing this for a long time,
and I am so grateful to my fans.
726
00:43:34,987 --> 00:43:38,241
I'm so-- You know, I deal with
a lot of stuff you deal with,
727
00:43:38,324 --> 00:43:40,743
uh, anxiety, depression.
728
00:43:40,827 --> 00:43:45,248
And, um, I get messages every day,
uh, from people all over, like,
729
00:43:45,331 --> 00:43:48,167
"Hi, Jessica, this is
your mentally ill fan from Ohio.
730
00:43:50,503 --> 00:43:53,714
"I just wanna say I'm barely alive.
But your...
731
00:43:55,383 --> 00:43:57,969
"video today about tits
and Jews really...
732
00:44:00,596 --> 00:44:04,767
"...really helped me
just wanna be here one more day.
733
00:44:04,851 --> 00:44:08,146
I'm just hoping tomorrow's video
is as funny."
734
00:44:13,109 --> 00:44:16,279
I'm like, "That's a lot
of pressure, Mary," like...
735
00:44:18,239 --> 00:44:21,576
Because, you know, it's not easy.
You know, and I have anxiety.
736
00:44:21,659 --> 00:44:23,619
I was walking down the street recently,
and these two girls
737
00:44:23,703 --> 00:44:25,913
were walking in front of me,
and I'm having, like, that--
738
00:44:25,997 --> 00:44:28,166
those heart palpitations
and all that stuff.
739
00:44:28,249 --> 00:44:30,668
I know, some of you deal with it.
It's so hard.
740
00:44:30,751 --> 00:44:33,421
And they were having
the craziest conversation.
741
00:44:33,504 --> 00:44:35,214
This girl's like,
"Oh, my God, Chelsea,
742
00:44:35,298 --> 00:44:36,591
"you're not gonna believe this.
743
00:44:36,674 --> 00:44:38,593
"But I was on TikTok,
and I post this video
744
00:44:38,676 --> 00:44:40,303
"and, like, nobody liked it
and nobody commented.
745
00:44:40,386 --> 00:44:42,221
"And I was, like, so upset
because, like, I'm an influencer.
746
00:44:42,305 --> 00:44:44,182
"And, like, this is really upsetting
because, like, nobody commented.
747
00:44:44,265 --> 00:44:45,683
"It was, like, really upsetting
'cause the algorithm's off.
748
00:44:45,766 --> 00:44:47,393
And, like, the lighting was perfect,
and my makeup looked perfect."
749
00:44:54,609 --> 00:44:56,903
Right? I know.
750
00:44:57,904 --> 00:44:59,071
Yeah.
751
00:44:59,155 --> 00:45:00,448
I know,
and then, the other girl was like,
752
00:45:00,531 --> 00:45:02,450
"Oh, my God, you should've
called me or texted me.
753
00:45:02,533 --> 00:45:03,993
We're BFFs."
754
00:45:07,830 --> 00:45:09,582
So, I killed them.
I fucking killed them.
755
00:45:09,665 --> 00:45:11,751
I did. I know.
756
00:45:13,294 --> 00:45:15,421
I did.
I killed them.
757
00:45:19,508 --> 00:45:22,261
Because, like I said,
they're not gonna stop talking like that.
758
00:45:22,345 --> 00:45:24,096
Like, you're gonna go
to a doctor and be like,
759
00:45:24,180 --> 00:45:27,433
"Hi, I'm really not feeling well.
I have a fever."
760
00:45:27,516 --> 00:45:29,560
"Oh, my God, are you congested?
761
00:45:29,644 --> 00:45:31,270
"'Cause I was watching
a reel the other day,
762
00:45:31,354 --> 00:45:33,439
"and this girl was, like, so congested,
and I was like, 'Oh, my God.
763
00:45:33,522 --> 00:45:35,483
"How are you breathing right now?'
764
00:45:35,566 --> 00:45:37,568
"Does your throat hurt?
Like, does it hurt when you swallow?
765
00:45:37,652 --> 00:45:39,612
"Because I met the cutest guy
the other day, and I swallowed.
766
00:45:39,695 --> 00:45:41,822
"I swallowed his load,
and I was like...
767
00:45:41,906 --> 00:45:43,741
And now, I'm like,
'Is he gonna call me?'"
768
00:45:43,824 --> 00:45:46,077
How do you fuck a girl like that?
Can you imagine?
769
00:45:46,160 --> 00:45:48,287
"Oh, my God, fuck me harder.
You're not fucking me harder.
770
00:45:48,371 --> 00:45:49,914
"I said fuck me harder.
You're not doing it.
771
00:45:49,997 --> 00:45:51,874
"I said fuck me harder.
Come on, fuck me harder.
772
00:45:51,958 --> 00:45:53,834
"Fuck me harder, motherfucker!
773
00:45:55,002 --> 00:45:56,587
"Okay, you're fucking me harder now.
774
00:45:56,671 --> 00:45:57,880
"Do you love me? Do you love me?
775
00:45:57,964 --> 00:46:00,299
"I know we just met, but do you love me?
Do you love me?
776
00:46:00,383 --> 00:46:02,218
"Will you marry me? Do you love me?
You're not listening to me.
777
00:46:02,301 --> 00:46:03,803
"No one ever listens to me.
Do you love me?
778
00:46:03,886 --> 00:46:06,222
"Do you love me?!
Do you?!
779
00:46:06,639 --> 00:46:08,474
"Okay, okay, I think
I'm gonna come. I'm gonna come.
780
00:46:08,557 --> 00:46:09,642
"I'm gonna come, come, come.
I'm gonna come.
781
00:46:09,725 --> 00:46:10,851
"I'm gonna come. I'm gonna come.
782
00:46:10,935 --> 00:46:12,770
"I'm gonna come.
Here we go. Here we go.
783
00:46:12,853 --> 00:46:15,273
"Here we go! This is amazing!
784
00:46:15,356 --> 00:46:18,067
"Okay. Um, okay.
Okay. Here we go.
785
00:46:18,150 --> 00:46:19,527
Here we go. Here we go."
786
00:46:26,575 --> 00:46:29,245
I'm losing my mind.
787
00:46:32,331 --> 00:46:35,042
♪ We represent the lollipop guild ♪
788
00:46:35,126 --> 00:46:38,671
You guys are amazing.
Thank you so much.
789
00:46:38,754 --> 00:46:42,383
Oh, my God. Thank you. I love you.
790
00:46:43,134 --> 00:46:44,844
Oh, my God. Thank you.
791
00:46:44,927 --> 00:46:46,595
I love you so much.
792
00:46:46,679 --> 00:46:49,807
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you,.
793
00:46:52,685 --> 00:46:54,562
Thank you so much.