WEBVTT FILE
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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Jessica Kirson!
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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Oh, my God!
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Oh, my God!
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Thank you!
Thank you so much! Thank you!
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So nice.
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Hi, guys. Keep clapping.
Thank you so much.
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Thank you, that's so nice!
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Stand up.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
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Thank you. I love you guys.
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God, there's so many gay men here.
Oh, my God.
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Wow. Holy shit.
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You're all up front, too.
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- Did anyone come alone?
- Yeah!
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Yeah, I come alone a lot.
That's why...
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I'm miserable.
You know, I've always been--
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I was even depressed as a child,
you know what I'm saying?
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My friends would be like,
"Let's play house."
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I'm like, "Let's play hospice care."
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Every time I go through TSA,
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this is totally true,
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I get patted down
almost every single time
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because I think they look at me
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and they're like,
"This woman needs affection.
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"This woman...
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"...needs to be held.
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This woman needs something."
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And they always pat down
my shoulders, my legs, my back.
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I'm like, "Could you touch my crotch?
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"Is there any way
you could finger me?
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"Because I need...
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...to be fingered immediately."
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Sometimes, I swallow loose change
or an ion battery.
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Or a Honda Accord,
so that they get more handsy.
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I've even put a roast there,
so the dogs get involved.
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If you didn't just laugh at that,
you should die, that is...
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When you go through security
and they do touch you in the groin area,
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this is for women, I don't know
if they do the same thing for men,
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they literally go, "Would you like us
to take you in the back?"
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And I'm like,
"Ha! I'd prefer it."
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Take me in the back and pull my hair
and tell me I'm not funny.
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And if you keep this up,
I'm gonna have a lot more
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than three and a half ounces
of liquid on me.
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You guys are great.
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I do a lot of shows in Florida
for very old people.
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Some of you know that.
They're 80, 90.
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Some have passed.
And the thing is...
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...a lot of times I don't hear laughter
for 45 minutes to an hour.
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I just hear bodily functions.
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Moaning, groaning.
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Just...
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Help me!
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Somebody help me!
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They yell out at me.
I'm not kidding.
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One woman s--
once yelled out,
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"Comedian!
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"Comedian, get me a seltzer water.
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I'm thirsty.
Get it."
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I'm like, "Get your own
seltzer water, Sylvia, you fucking bitch."
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One woman once yelled out,
"Clown!"
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She called me a clown.
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Can you imagine?
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I hear,
"Clown!
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Cloooooown!"
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It sounded like a llama
getting a colonoscopy.
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One guy once yelled out, "Bingo!"
I'm like, "What?"
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Who's playing Bingo?
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Can you imagine what they say during sex?
Can you imagine?
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"Suck my dick, Sylvia!"
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"Come on my face, Seymour."
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"Did you pay the insurance?
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"I crashed the car today.
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The cleaning lady is stealing from us."
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"She too--
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She took my everything bagel seasoning."
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I do those developments in Florida,
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those 55-and-over developments,
and they have other programs going on.
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And I had to check them out.
Like, I had to see what's going on there.
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And one of the things they had going on
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was "Sex and Intimacy
in Your Elder Years".
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And I was like, "That's good."
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You know,
that's a great program for these people.
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But I looked at the brochure,
and I was really blown away.
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I thought it was beautiful.
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So, I-I copied down the different subjects
that they go over
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and the different classes they have,
and I wanted to read it to you guys.
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Do you guys wanna hear it? Yeah.
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It made me emotional.
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I think you guys are really
gonna get emotional from this.
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It's really beautiful.
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Um, "Getting to Know Each Other Again."
Isn't that beautiful?
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Yeah, I know, I really...
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"Simple Stretches for Intimacy".
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That's nice.
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You know, I think these people
need to stretch before they...
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"Assisted Sex, the Do's and Don'ts
of Bringing Your Aide Into the Bedroom".
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That's...
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that's important.
It, like...
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"How to Remember
Your Partner's Name".
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That's...
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I wouldn't want someone
to forget my name.
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"How to be Intimate
While the Middle East is in Crisis".
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I think it's really...
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Yeah.
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"Elderly Abuse:
S&M in Your 80s".
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I would go to that.
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"Finding the Clit
When You Can't Find Your Keys".
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This is--
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I would run to that one
'cause I'm always losing things.
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Yeah.
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This one is very important
for the gay men,
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um, and the straight women in the crowd.
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I mean, you guys
would definitely take this.
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You would never want
to forget how to do this.
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"Deep Throating with Dementia".
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This is...
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You know what I mean? You would...
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Thank you. Um...
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Thank you.
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If you want to know about me,
this is really true.
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If you really want to know about me,
you have to see my vibrator.
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It is a fucking mess.
It says a lot about a person.
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You know, a lot of women are like,
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"I bought a new vibrator.
It's purple. It's amazing. I deserve it."
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My vibrator, it's--
It has pieces missing from it.
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I'm serious.
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They're inside of me.
I have...
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...more plastic inside of me
than the Pacific Ocean.
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It is...
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I-- It's that magic wand.
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It is this-- It's-It's enormous.
It's this long.
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It is s-- It's like a jackhammer,
it is so powerful.
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Do you know, I dropped it the other day,
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and my neighbors
got an earthquake warning?
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It is fucking--
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I also use it as an immersion blender,
so it's very...
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...helpful.
I make split pea soup with it.
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It's really--
That's my merch.
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Split pea soup.
I sell it after my shows.
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Anyway, it plugs into the wall,
that's how disgusting it is.
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It's not even cordless
because I hate myself.
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I half-stand when I use it.
This is not a joke.
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I, I half--
It doesn't make it to the bed.
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I look like I'm up to bat,
I swear to God.
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I stand like this.
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And when I come,
I literally sound like an umpire.
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I'm like, "Strike!"
You know what I mean?
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Room service knocked
on the door the other day,
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and I'm like, "You're outta here!"
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Do you want to hear the sound
I really make when I'm coming?
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This is very vulnerable. Yeah.
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Help me!
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Who the fuck are you?!
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I actually did just buy new sex toys.
This is really true.
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I-I went crazy
'cause I'm like, "You deserve it.
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You've been making money,
you're doing well."
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I did. Thank you.
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You guys are amazing.
I spent $684.
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This is not a joke.
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I clicked on everything.
I'm like, "Fuck it."
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And it came in a pack--
and I'm like,
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"I don't know what to do with any of this.
And a lot of it's intense."
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So now, I've just been
using it for other--
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I use the nipple clamps
to seal my chip bags. Um...
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I've been using the paddles
when I play my mother in pickleball.
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That's been very...
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I use the butt plug
to seal my wine bottles.
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That's been very helpful.
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I use the ball gag,
so I don't binge at night.
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That is really...
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I bought a swing,
which I always wanted.
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So now, I just put it on the porch.
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And I love watching the sunset
between my legs, it is...
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...so rela...
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Um...
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Wasn't that hot, ladies?
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I look like I'm turned on
by my own shit. Like...
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That wasn't funny what you just said.
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You were doing great,
and you just did a joke,
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and you knew it wasn't gonna do well,
and you did it anyway.
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Don't sabotage yourself.
You deserve success.
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Everything--
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Everything is gonna be okay.
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Woo!
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You're doing great. You are.
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Today, you ate a bag of Tostitos
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and told yourself
it was a serving of corn.
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Most of you just laughed at that.
Some of you didn't get it.
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But what I just did was very creative,
but you're dumb.
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Um...
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Trust me, there's a couple
of people who are like,
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"What the fuck just happened?
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"Where the fuck am I?
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Is that Kirstie Alley?
I thought she died."
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I had a threesome once.
This is true.
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Isn't that hot? Yeah, I did. Yeah.
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It was crazy.
Um, yeah, it was amazing
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'cause I have ADD,
and I was very confused and overwhelmed.
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There were so many tits and holes.
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I, I felt like I was playing
Whac-A-Mole.
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I was just...
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...swinging my hands around like,
"What is going on?"
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I ended up giving myself a hickey.
It was un...
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I was smacking my own ass,
asking myself if I liked it.
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"Do you like it?"
"What?"
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"It's me."
"Who?"
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"Who's on third?"
You know, it was so...
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I choked myself. And, and-- Ugh.
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I ended up blacking out.
I woke up two hours later.
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The two women had left,
my watch was missing,
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and I was covered in Cool Whip.
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"I was covered in Cool Whip."
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Yeah. You know, I've been,
I've been out, uh, for a while.
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I was, uh, you know,
I was with men for a while
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at the University of Maryland,
um, in blackouts.
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Um...
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I was so drunk, I didn't even
know they weren't women.
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Uh...
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I was like,
"Wow, your clit is huge."
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There's lesbians here, right?
I just-- Yeah, I--
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She looked angry.
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Um...
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When guys watch lesbian porn,
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they think that's what it--
like, women with long nails
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and tons of makeup on,
you know what I mean? Like,
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"Oh, my God, Tiffany,
your fingers feel so good in my pussy.
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Harder. Harder.
Give me a hysterectomy."
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Real lesbian porn
is women just sitting around
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crying and eating hummus.
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It's...
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very depressing.
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I think I was born gay
'cause my mom
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00:14:00.757 --> 00:14:02.592
said the second I came out,
I was like...
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"Ahhhh!"
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Woo!
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Yeah, I even had a double-sided pacifier.
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00:14:18.524 --> 00:14:21.319
You know, there's categories
for lesb-- and for gay men.
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00:14:21.402 --> 00:14:24.363
But the lesbian categ-- you know, butch,
femme, Dora the Explorer.
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Trust me, she's a fuckin' dyke.
241
00:14:27.325 --> 00:14:29.744
She's always hiking,
and she looks enraged.
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00:14:31.412 --> 00:14:32.997
I hate that bitch, you know?
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"Backpack, backpack."
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00:14:38.461 --> 00:14:40.713
The biggest cave she explores
is her girlfriend.
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Trust me, she's fucking...
246
00:14:44.509 --> 00:14:45.885
You know what's in that backpack?
247
00:14:45.968 --> 00:14:48.930
Her cat's ashes, a journal,
and a huge fucking dildo.
248
00:14:49.013 --> 00:14:50.181
I'm serious.
249
00:14:54.560 --> 00:14:56.104
You guys are so great.
250
00:14:58.773 --> 00:15:01.692
I'm not a specific type of li--
I guess-- I-I mean, I'm butch,
251
00:15:01.776 --> 00:15:03.402
but I'm not butch-butch,
you know what I mean?
252
00:15:03.486 --> 00:15:06.030
Like, I'll open a door for a woman,
but I can't build one.
253
00:15:06.114 --> 00:15:07.615
You know, that kind of...
254
00:15:12.370 --> 00:15:13.871
Yeah, it's really like that.
255
00:15:13.955 --> 00:15:16.582
You know, I would never
fight someone, but I'll fist you.
256
00:15:16.666 --> 00:15:18.292
You know that kind of...
257
00:15:20.795 --> 00:15:23.256
Some of you aren't laughing.
Let me do a couple more.
258
00:15:23.339 --> 00:15:25.466
Um...
259
00:15:26.676 --> 00:15:30.346
I would never fly a plane,
but I love a good landing strip.
260
00:15:30.429 --> 00:15:33.432
I do.
261
00:15:38.229 --> 00:15:41.065
I would never go fishing.
That's a butch thing, you know?
262
00:15:41.149 --> 00:15:43.484
But I'll shuck a clam.
I will shuck...
263
00:15:49.198 --> 00:15:51.659
I'm into traditional
kinds of relationships.
264
00:15:51.742 --> 00:15:54.829
Like, I'm-I'm the breadwinner.
I date feminine women, you know?
265
00:15:54.912 --> 00:15:56.289
You know, it's important to me
266
00:15:56.372 --> 00:15:58.416
that they cook and clean
and do the laundry.
267
00:15:59.834 --> 00:16:01.460
They fucking better!
268
00:16:12.638 --> 00:16:15.558
There was just someone not laughing,
but just mouthing my face, just...
269
00:16:22.273 --> 00:16:23.900
I'm tired in bed at this point.
270
00:16:23.983 --> 00:16:26.569
You know, I'm lazy.
It-- I really am.
271
00:16:26.652 --> 00:16:29.322
I'm just like, "Sit on me
and spin around like a dreidel.
272
00:16:29.405 --> 00:16:30.948
I'm fucking exhausted."
273
00:16:32.742 --> 00:16:35.536
The last time a woman
sat on my face, I fell asleep.
274
00:16:35.620 --> 00:16:37.163
I was like...
275
00:16:37.246 --> 00:16:40.208
It was fine, it was like a warm eye mask,
you know what I'm saying?
276
00:16:43.920 --> 00:16:47.089
She was so wooly,
I started counting sheep.
277
00:16:51.010 --> 00:16:52.803
Um...
278
00:16:59.310 --> 00:17:00.686
Most of you just laugh.
279
00:17:00.770 --> 00:17:02.939
Odds are, there's a couple
of homophobes in the crowd.
280
00:17:03.022 --> 00:17:04.565
They're all-- I mean, come on.
281
00:17:04.649 --> 00:17:06.359
There's definitely
some straight men here
282
00:17:06.442 --> 00:17:08.444
who get hard at the gym
and don't know why.
283
00:17:13.824 --> 00:17:16.285
Some guys, you know,
don't accept that you're gay.
284
00:17:16.369 --> 00:17:18.579
That's the thing.
And they'll say the dumbest things.
285
00:17:18.663 --> 00:17:19.997
They really will.
Like, these--
286
00:17:20.081 --> 00:17:22.583
I remember one guy was like,
"Do you guy-- Do you scissor?
287
00:17:22.667 --> 00:17:25.544
Like, do fucking women scissor?
Have you scissored in a while?"
288
00:17:25.628 --> 00:17:28.130
I'm like, "Oh, please,
I've been scissoring for years."
289
00:17:29.048 --> 00:17:30.049
I've sheared.
290
00:17:30.132 --> 00:17:32.969
Okay, at this point, I'm shearing.
291
00:17:35.972 --> 00:17:37.265
They've said dumb things to me.
292
00:17:37.348 --> 00:17:39.141
Like, when I was younger,
this guy was like,
293
00:17:39.225 --> 00:17:40.393
"I could change you."
294
00:17:40.476 --> 00:17:41.561
I'll never forget this.
295
00:17:41.644 --> 00:17:45.314
"I can change you.
Trust me, I can change you."
296
00:17:45.398 --> 00:17:47.984
I'm like,
"Sir, you smell like shit."
297
00:17:49.819 --> 00:17:52.905
I need to change you, like, literally.
298
00:17:54.865 --> 00:17:57.118
I-- I need to change--
Like, I need to change you.
299
00:17:57.201 --> 00:17:58.661
You stink.
300
00:18:02.206 --> 00:18:04.875
One guy was like,
"You just haven't been with the right guy.
301
00:18:04.959 --> 00:18:07.253
Trust me.
You haven't been with the right guy."
302
00:18:07.336 --> 00:18:09.839
I'm like,
"I am the right guy."
303
00:18:14.135 --> 00:18:15.761
So great.
304
00:18:17.597 --> 00:18:18.681
I am.
305
00:18:18.764 --> 00:18:20.975
I'm like, "Just ask
my girlfriend, Melissa.
306
00:18:21.058 --> 00:18:23.436
My tongue is like a flag
in a windstorm."
307
00:18:30.860 --> 00:18:33.863
I have four daughters
from two different women.
308
00:18:33.946 --> 00:18:36.532
Um, I just couldn't stop
nutting inside of them.
309
00:18:39.493 --> 00:18:42.079
I wanted to spread my seed, you know?
310
00:18:42.163 --> 00:18:44.081
My sesame seed.
311
00:18:50.046 --> 00:18:51.714
I saw--
312
00:18:51.797 --> 00:18:53.549
I saw an old friend recently,
and she's like,
313
00:18:53.633 --> 00:18:55.843
"Oh, my God, was it planned?"
314
00:18:58.429 --> 00:19:00.806
I think it's the dumbest question
315
00:19:00.890 --> 00:19:04.560
that anyone has ever
asked me in my entire life
316
00:19:04.644 --> 00:19:07.772
if my children with women was planned.
317
00:19:08.773 --> 00:19:11.859
I'm like, "No, my condom broke."
318
00:19:18.741 --> 00:19:22.578
There are religious people who will say
that gay people want their kids to be gay,
319
00:19:22.662 --> 00:19:24.413
that we try to make them gay.
320
00:19:24.497 --> 00:19:25.998
I know some of you
might not have heard this,
321
00:19:26.082 --> 00:19:27.792
but that is completely true.
322
00:19:28.834 --> 00:19:31.879
It's true. I hate admitting it.
323
00:19:31.962 --> 00:19:35.549
But that is the only reason
why I agreed to have children
324
00:19:35.633 --> 00:19:37.885
was to create four big dykes.
325
00:19:39.387 --> 00:19:41.180
'Cause it's an easier life.
326
00:19:41.263 --> 00:19:45.518
So, why wouldn't I want that
for my four precious daughters?
327
00:19:45.601 --> 00:19:49.271
So, we are doing everything we can
to make that happen.
328
00:19:49.355 --> 00:19:53.275
I don't care if they're kind,
I don't care if they're loving.
329
00:19:53.359 --> 00:19:55.528
I don't even care if they're educated.
330
00:19:55.611 --> 00:19:59.031
I just want them
to be fucking truck drivers.
331
00:20:01.117 --> 00:20:03.452
Yep.
332
00:20:03.536 --> 00:20:06.580
Because I want them to be accepted.
333
00:20:06.664 --> 00:20:09.417
And by the way,
we're out to get your kids too,
334
00:20:09.500 --> 00:20:11.252
to the straight people in the crowd.
335
00:20:12.545 --> 00:20:14.922
Every gay person
in this audience knows it
336
00:20:15.005 --> 00:20:17.174
because we're on secret
Facebook groups.
337
00:20:18.342 --> 00:20:20.636
We get emails.
Did you guys get the email today?
338
00:20:20.720 --> 00:20:23.472
It was-- Yeah, you got it?
It was so intense.
339
00:20:23.556 --> 00:20:26.642
We have Amber Alerts on our phones.
340
00:20:26.726 --> 00:20:29.395
Gay Amber Alerts.
They're called Gamber Alerts.
341
00:20:30.604 --> 00:20:32.189
They go...
♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪
342
00:20:33.649 --> 00:20:35.443
♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪
343
00:20:37.445 --> 00:20:41.031
And when there's a child
that's really close, it's amped up.
344
00:20:41.115 --> 00:20:43.659
♪ La-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la ♪
345
00:20:46.245 --> 00:20:48.122
We have candy.
346
00:20:49.582 --> 00:20:51.375
We have vans,
we have cookies.
347
00:20:51.459 --> 00:20:55.212
We have Fag Newtons,
we have Fag Newton--
348
00:20:56.547 --> 00:20:58.507
We even have very long nets.
349
00:20:58.591 --> 00:21:02.553
We can grab your children
off of your lawns,
350
00:21:02.636 --> 00:21:06.724
bring them into our vans
and make them gay within five minutes.
351
00:21:07.975 --> 00:21:10.978
Let me give you an example.
If you have a boy on your lawn who's like,
352
00:21:11.061 --> 00:21:13.981
"I wanna play football, Dad,"
353
00:21:14.064 --> 00:21:16.942
I will-- my Gamber Alert will go off.
354
00:21:17.026 --> 00:21:19.069
♪ La-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la-la ♪
355
00:21:20.237 --> 00:21:21.614
♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪
356
00:21:21.697 --> 00:21:24.700
I will jump into my van.
357
00:21:27.578 --> 00:21:30.122
I will grab my Fag Newtons,
I will...
358
00:21:32.166 --> 00:21:33.626
...drive up to your house.
359
00:21:33.709 --> 00:21:36.462
I will grab one of my nets.
I have 11 of them.
360
00:21:38.047 --> 00:21:39.882
Look at some of you.
"Wow, that's a lot."
361
00:21:39.965 --> 00:21:40.966
You're liter--
362
00:21:43.302 --> 00:21:45.846
I will grab your child,
bring them into my van.
363
00:21:45.930 --> 00:21:49.391
And within five minutes,
that same little boy that was like,
364
00:21:49.475 --> 00:21:50.851
"I wanna play football,"
365
00:21:50.935 --> 00:21:53.229
five minutes later,
will come outta my van and be like,
366
00:21:53.312 --> 00:21:55.940
♪ I wanna be on Broadway ♪
367
00:21:56.023 --> 00:21:59.109
- ♪ Papa ♪
368
00:22:11.914 --> 00:22:14.208
So, we are doing everything we can
369
00:22:14.291 --> 00:22:18.587
to turn our four daughters
into big, dyke, butch lesbians.
370
00:22:18.671 --> 00:22:20.798
We've been taking them
to a lot of softball games
371
00:22:20.881 --> 00:22:23.217
just to get the mannerisms down.
372
00:22:23.300 --> 00:22:25.553
We forbid them
to eat hot dogs, of course,
373
00:22:25.636 --> 00:22:28.097
they can only eat clams and oysters.
374
00:22:28.180 --> 00:22:31.976
And we named all four of them
Hillary Rodham Clinton because...
375
00:22:34.854 --> 00:22:37.731
...we know how much people
love her in this country,
376
00:22:37.815 --> 00:22:39.775
so we just...
377
00:22:39.859 --> 00:22:43.070
Every time I say her name,
the whole crowd goes, "Ha, ha!"
378
00:22:48.868 --> 00:22:52.162
My, uh, my three youngest
are actually really girly.
379
00:22:52.246 --> 00:22:54.832
That's the funny thing.
They always wear dresses
380
00:22:54.915 --> 00:22:56.458
and they dress up in crowns.
381
00:22:56.542 --> 00:22:59.628
They're so cute.
And they do shows for me a lot.
382
00:22:59.712 --> 00:23:02.381
And they fucking suck.
They suck...
383
00:23:04.508 --> 00:23:07.553
...so bad.
It is painful because I'm a performer
384
00:23:07.636 --> 00:23:10.472
and I'm like, "Gotta get it together.
This is--
385
00:23:10.556 --> 00:23:13.809
Mama doesn't have a lot of downtime.
This is really..."
386
00:23:13.893 --> 00:23:16.812
I'm like, "Twirl around, bitch!"
You know what I mean?
387
00:23:16.896 --> 00:23:20.107
"Do a split, motherfucker!"
Like, this is...
388
00:23:21.442 --> 00:23:23.986
I went to their dance recital
with all the other kids,
389
00:23:24.069 --> 00:23:26.071
and I literally was watching them.
It looked like--
390
00:23:26.155 --> 00:23:27.948
They looked like wandering Jews,
they were just...
391
00:23:29.491 --> 00:23:31.035
It looked like a methadone clinic.
392
00:23:31.118 --> 00:23:35.706
Like, just people walking around
the hallway looking for a nurse.
393
00:23:38.500 --> 00:23:42.004
One of the kids in their class
fell into the band,
394
00:23:42.087 --> 00:23:43.714
and then she had the nerve to bow.
395
00:23:43.797 --> 00:23:45.633
I'm like, "Are you fucking kidding me?"
396
00:23:47.384 --> 00:23:49.345
The other parents were throwing flowers.
397
00:23:49.428 --> 00:23:52.306
I threw a brick.
I was like, "Fuck you."
398
00:23:57.227 --> 00:23:59.063
They were like,
"Let's go for ice cream."
399
00:23:59.146 --> 00:24:01.857
I'm like, "Mom is gonna relapse.
This is it, this..."
400
00:24:05.152 --> 00:24:07.613
They put me down a lot
'cause kids are honest, you know?
401
00:24:07.696 --> 00:24:09.907
You know that, they'll say everything
that's on their mind.
402
00:24:09.990 --> 00:24:12.952
Like, this is literally what happened.
This is where material comes from.
403
00:24:13.035 --> 00:24:15.996
I was in the shower recently,
and my daughter walked in
404
00:24:16.080 --> 00:24:18.832
and literally looked me
up and down, and looked disgusted.
405
00:24:18.916 --> 00:24:20.125
She was like...
406
00:24:23.420 --> 00:24:24.922
And then, I swear,
407
00:24:25.005 --> 00:24:27.383
she starts crying
looking at my naked body.
408
00:24:27.466 --> 00:24:29.468
She's like...
409
00:24:32.638 --> 00:24:35.432
So, I open the door and I'm like,
"Are you okay, honey?"
410
00:24:35.516 --> 00:24:37.810
And you're gonna laugh.
This is literally what she said to me.
411
00:24:37.893 --> 00:24:40.104
She goes,
"I don't wanna look like you."
412
00:24:43.565 --> 00:24:46.151
I'm like, "It's okay.
We used Mommy's egg."
413
00:24:46.235 --> 00:24:47.861
Like, I didn't know what to say to her.
414
00:24:50.990 --> 00:24:53.784
She literally put me down again.
She looked at me and she goes,
415
00:24:53.867 --> 00:24:57.621
"Mama,
you have eyelashes in your nostrils."
416
00:24:59.331 --> 00:25:01.041
I'm like, "Fuck you!
417
00:25:02.292 --> 00:25:04.670
You smell like a barn animal, bitch."
418
00:25:10.342 --> 00:25:12.428
They always wanna hear
the same stories,
419
00:25:12.511 --> 00:25:14.138
and lately, it's been Cinderella.
420
00:25:14.221 --> 00:25:15.889
Some of you know this
if you have kids.
421
00:25:15.973 --> 00:25:19.810
And it's-- I'm like, I am so sick
of telling the story of Cinderella.
422
00:25:19.893 --> 00:25:22.479
I've been telling it for literally
like a month and a half.
423
00:25:22.563 --> 00:25:24.440
I'm like, "Can we say another story now?"
424
00:25:24.523 --> 00:25:26.525
They're like,
"I wanna hear Cinderella.
425
00:25:26.608 --> 00:25:29.903
"I only wanna hear Cinderella.
426
00:25:30.904 --> 00:25:32.573
Cinderella."
427
00:25:32.656 --> 00:25:36.160
I'm like, "Okay, this bitch
wasn't invited to a party.
428
00:25:37.953 --> 00:25:41.415
"She went there, and she blew a guy,
and she left a shoe.
429
00:25:44.126 --> 00:25:46.503
"He came to find her,
and they fuck forever.
430
00:25:49.048 --> 00:25:51.258
Now, we're gonna do
Beauty and the Beast!"
431
00:26:00.684 --> 00:26:04.063
My 17-year-old only talks to me
in TikTok dances,
432
00:26:04.146 --> 00:26:06.023
and I have no idea what she's saying.
433
00:26:07.066 --> 00:26:09.193
You can't understand
what these kids are saying anymore.
434
00:26:09.276 --> 00:26:12.029
She's like, literally, she's like,
"Mama, seriously,
435
00:26:12.112 --> 00:26:14.073
"you were supposed to pick me up
from school the other day
436
00:26:14.156 --> 00:26:15.240
"and you were, like, so late.
437
00:26:15.324 --> 00:26:17.993
I don't even know what's going on."
438
00:26:18.077 --> 00:26:19.328
And I'm like, "What?"
439
00:26:19.411 --> 00:26:20.579
And she's like,
"Why don't you understand me?
440
00:26:20.662 --> 00:26:22.748
Like, everyone else understands me."
441
00:26:23.165 --> 00:26:25.000
So, now I just talk to her like that too
442
00:26:25.084 --> 00:26:26.752
because she doesn't listen to me anyway.
443
00:26:26.835 --> 00:26:30.422
I'm like, "Zoe, seriously?"
444
00:26:36.136 --> 00:26:38.514
She's like,
"You're so cringe.
445
00:26:39.598 --> 00:26:42.309
You are, like, so cringe."
446
00:26:42.392 --> 00:26:44.770
I'm like, "No, this is cringe."
447
00:26:48.982 --> 00:26:51.110
Um...
448
00:26:53.278 --> 00:26:55.906
I just pulled something
in the back of my shoulder. I--
449
00:26:58.367 --> 00:27:00.661
She introduced me
to her boyfriend, Blake, recently.
450
00:27:00.744 --> 00:27:02.121
I don't care what anyone says,
451
00:27:02.204 --> 00:27:05.374
teenage boys are the most
awkward people on the planet.
452
00:27:05.457 --> 00:27:07.167
You can argue with me, I don't care.
453
00:27:07.251 --> 00:27:10.254
She's like,
"Mama, this is Blake. I love him."
454
00:27:12.131 --> 00:27:13.799
This was Blake.
I'm like, "Hi, Blake."
455
00:27:13.882 --> 00:27:15.384
He's like,
"Hey."
456
00:27:52.546 --> 00:27:53.755
"What's up?"
457
00:27:53.839 --> 00:27:55.382
Woo!
458
00:27:55.465 --> 00:27:57.885
I'm like, "Does Blake
have to go to the hospital?
459
00:27:59.136 --> 00:28:02.222
"Does he wear a fucking helmet?
Like, what is wrong with this kid?
460
00:28:03.390 --> 00:28:05.684
He just peed all over my living room."
461
00:28:10.647 --> 00:28:14.401
I stood by her room to listen to them talk
'cause I need material,
462
00:28:14.484 --> 00:28:16.278
and it literally...
463
00:28:19.531 --> 00:28:21.783
...sounded like a petting zoo, um,
464
00:28:21.867 --> 00:28:24.036
where the animals
were dying to get out.
465
00:28:24.119 --> 00:28:25.662
She was like,
"Oh, my God, Blake,
466
00:28:25.746 --> 00:28:26.914
I can't wait for your soccer."
467
00:28:28.540 --> 00:28:32.210
He was like...
468
00:28:32.294 --> 00:28:35.088
And she's like...
469
00:28:35.172 --> 00:28:37.257
And he was like...
470
00:28:37.341 --> 00:28:40.093
I never thought of getting a gun
until that moment.
471
00:28:40.177 --> 00:28:41.637
I was like...
472
00:28:46.183 --> 00:28:50.312
You know, having kids is interesting
because I-- uh, my parents are amazing,
473
00:28:50.395 --> 00:28:52.940
but my father was tough.
You know, he was really tough.
474
00:28:53.023 --> 00:28:56.234
He, he was the funniest person
I've ever met in my life,
475
00:28:56.318 --> 00:28:57.819
and very loving in a lot of ways.
476
00:28:57.903 --> 00:29:00.697
But he was tough, you know,
he was like-- had a temper,
477
00:29:00.781 --> 00:29:04.826
um, and he w--
he also wore an enormous toupee.
478
00:29:04.910 --> 00:29:07.829
And that is an interesting combination
479
00:29:07.913 --> 00:29:10.332
because what he would do
when he was enraged
480
00:29:10.415 --> 00:29:12.751
is that he would rip it off and throw it.
481
00:29:12.834 --> 00:29:15.837
Um...
482
00:29:15.921 --> 00:29:20.842
And... it had tape on it,
and it was very big.
483
00:29:20.926 --> 00:29:22.552
Um...
484
00:29:22.636 --> 00:29:26.014
like, we were in a store once
and he got very upset
485
00:29:26.098 --> 00:29:28.350
and he's like,
"I don't like these prices."
486
00:29:28.433 --> 00:29:30.102
And he just...
487
00:29:32.354 --> 00:29:33.897
...threw it into an aisle.
488
00:29:33.981 --> 00:29:35.440
Um...
489
00:29:35.524 --> 00:29:37.734
and then, he left the store,
490
00:29:37.818 --> 00:29:40.153
and he's like,
"Jessi, go get my hair."
491
00:29:42.030 --> 00:29:43.740
And I'm like,
"Dad, that's a body part.
492
00:29:43.824 --> 00:29:45.993
You know what I'm saying? Like, that's..."
493
00:29:46.076 --> 00:29:48.245
So, I went to get it,
and I put it on my head,
494
00:29:48.328 --> 00:29:51.164
and I've been wearing it ever since,
you know?
495
00:29:51.248 --> 00:29:53.166
Um, yeah.
496
00:29:53.250 --> 00:29:55.877
Thank you for clapping
at my horrible hair.
497
00:29:55.961 --> 00:29:57.462
That makes me feel good.
498
00:30:00.215 --> 00:30:02.217
Yeah, he, uh, he would, you know,
499
00:30:02.300 --> 00:30:04.761
he'd get upset, like, when things
would spill or stuff, you know?
500
00:30:04.845 --> 00:30:07.431
One time, I spill a cup of water,
501
00:30:07.514 --> 00:30:12.686
and he literally was like,
"Oh, man, there's water on the floor!"
502
00:30:12.769 --> 00:30:14.521
And I'm like, "It's-It's just a cup, Dad."
503
00:30:14.604 --> 00:30:17.482
"It's not a cup.
It's like a pitcher-full.
504
00:30:17.566 --> 00:30:19.693
"There's a pitcher of water.
505
00:30:19.776 --> 00:30:21.820
"It's gonna go everywhere.
It's like a flood.
506
00:30:21.903 --> 00:30:24.614
"There's a flood in the house
and I'm gonna slip on it
507
00:30:24.698 --> 00:30:26.033
"and I'm gonna break my neck.
508
00:30:26.116 --> 00:30:29.369
"And business is bad.
The market's a mess.
509
00:30:29.453 --> 00:30:31.204
"But what the fuck?
What am I gonna do?
510
00:30:31.288 --> 00:30:33.999
You caused the market
to be a mess."
511
00:30:34.541 --> 00:30:36.209
Um--
512
00:30:36.293 --> 00:30:39.212
So, now
I overcompensate with my kids.
513
00:30:39.296 --> 00:30:40.964
Like, I c-- I c--
I don't reprimand.
514
00:30:41.048 --> 00:30:42.716
Like, my daughter
spilled water recently on me.
515
00:30:42.799 --> 00:30:44.760
"It's okay!
516
00:30:44.843 --> 00:30:46.845
"It's okay that you spilled water!
517
00:30:46.928 --> 00:30:51.183
"Mama spills water all the time!
You're not gonna be damaged!
518
00:30:51.266 --> 00:30:53.602
"Look, Mama's spilling
a bucket of water!
519
00:30:53.685 --> 00:30:55.228
"Here's a hose.
Look!
520
00:30:55.312 --> 00:30:57.230
"Look, there's water
all over the place!
521
00:30:57.314 --> 00:30:58.899
It's okay!"
522
00:30:58.982 --> 00:31:00.067
Anyway, um...
523
00:31:01.443 --> 00:31:03.445
...my--
524
00:31:07.449 --> 00:31:09.868
My daughter put her finger
in the socket recently.
525
00:31:09.951 --> 00:31:11.912
I'm like, "It's okay you put
your finger in the socket!
526
00:31:12.662 --> 00:31:14.915
"Mama put a toaster
in the bath today!
527
00:31:16.708 --> 00:31:18.543
I tried to kill myself!"
528
00:31:26.384 --> 00:31:30.055
My daughter literally wrote,
"I hate lesbian Jews" on the floor,
529
00:31:30.138 --> 00:31:32.641
and I'm like,
"What a beautiful project!"
530
00:31:34.601 --> 00:31:36.061
"You're so creative!"
531
00:31:36.144 --> 00:31:37.354
Okay.
532
00:31:41.566 --> 00:31:44.611
I left there and fucked my face
with 86 Twinkies.
533
00:31:44.694 --> 00:31:46.571
That's what really happened.
534
00:31:46.655 --> 00:31:48.198
Gotta do what you gotta do!
535
00:31:48.281 --> 00:31:49.282
What?
536
00:31:49.366 --> 00:31:50.367
You gotta do what you gotta do.
537
00:31:50.450 --> 00:31:53.120
I love you.
"You gotta do what you gotta do."
538
00:31:54.287 --> 00:31:55.997
That's so New York.
539
00:31:56.081 --> 00:32:01.711
"If you have to
fuck your face with 86 Twinkies, do it."
540
00:32:05.799 --> 00:32:09.261
So New York. I love it.
541
00:32:09.928 --> 00:32:12.180
Yeah.
542
00:32:12.264 --> 00:32:13.890
At least it wasn't 87.
543
00:32:23.066 --> 00:32:26.570
I, uh, I almost blew up
during COVID again.
544
00:32:26.653 --> 00:32:29.030
So, I was like, I better do something.
This is really true.
545
00:32:29.114 --> 00:32:30.448
So, I joined Weight Watchers,
546
00:32:30.532 --> 00:32:33.076
where you download the app
and it counts the points.
547
00:32:33.160 --> 00:32:34.661
The problem is, I lie on it.
548
00:32:34.744 --> 00:32:39.624
I lie on my own app,
and I'm the only one that sees it.
549
00:32:39.708 --> 00:32:41.459
Do you know how fucked up that is?
550
00:32:42.711 --> 00:32:47.424
The other day, I had a pint of ice cream
and I wrote down, "One baby carrot."
551
00:32:53.138 --> 00:32:55.182
I also lie on other apps too.
552
00:32:55.265 --> 00:32:58.185
I bought a Fitbit,
and now I just strap it on my dog
553
00:32:58.268 --> 00:33:01.396
and take him to the track.
554
00:33:01.479 --> 00:33:05.025
And he's exhausted,
but I feel great about my progress.
555
00:33:06.902 --> 00:33:10.405
I'm such a liar.
I don't even have a fucking dog.
556
00:33:10.488 --> 00:33:11.865
I don't.
557
00:33:15.619 --> 00:33:18.705
I lie when I'm getting room service.
This is so vulnerable.
558
00:33:18.788 --> 00:33:21.124
Like, I don't have to tell
you guys this, but I do.
559
00:33:21.208 --> 00:33:22.292
It's amazing.
560
00:33:22.375 --> 00:33:23.835
Like, when I call,
I don't want the person
561
00:33:23.919 --> 00:33:25.545
knowing how much
I'm ordering for myself.
562
00:33:25.629 --> 00:33:28.965
I'll never even meet this person,
but I care what they think of me.
563
00:33:29.049 --> 00:33:30.717
It's pathetic.
So, I'll be like,
564
00:33:30.800 --> 00:33:33.261
"Hi, can I get two orders
of chicken wings?
565
00:33:33.345 --> 00:33:35.388
"Hold on.
Do you want ranch?
566
00:33:37.432 --> 00:33:39.059
"Or blue cheese?
567
00:33:40.977 --> 00:33:44.147
"Okay, he'll have six sides of ranch.
568
00:33:45.440 --> 00:33:47.776
"'Cause he's a fat fuck, he is...
569
00:33:49.194 --> 00:33:53.073
...out of control."
570
00:33:58.078 --> 00:33:59.079
Yeah.
571
00:34:00.372 --> 00:34:01.873
Yeah, it's amazing. I, uh--
572
00:34:01.957 --> 00:34:04.501
You know, I really did
lose another person.
573
00:34:04.584 --> 00:34:06.544
Like, weight-wise,
I lost another person.
574
00:34:06.628 --> 00:34:10.298
I lost my hungrier, happier self.
That's really...
575
00:34:11.633 --> 00:34:13.468
Her name is Fatalie Porkman.
576
00:34:13.551 --> 00:34:15.387
Um...
577
00:34:16.054 --> 00:34:18.431
It's true, and sometimes
she comes to visit me,
578
00:34:18.515 --> 00:34:21.518
and, uh, it's a lot, you know,
'cause she'll be like,
579
00:34:21.601 --> 00:34:25.105
"Remember when we would
go to the buffet
580
00:34:25.188 --> 00:34:27.565
"and eat all the egg rolls?
581
00:34:28.775 --> 00:34:31.236
"That was a blast!
582
00:34:31.319 --> 00:34:34.531
"Remember when we got
hit by a car,
583
00:34:34.614 --> 00:34:37.492
"and the car was totaled?
584
00:34:37.575 --> 00:34:40.578
"And we walked away unscathed?
585
00:34:42.998 --> 00:34:47.836
"Remember when we stole
all the Halloween candy
586
00:34:47.919 --> 00:34:51.798
from those three girls
and ran for our lives?"
587
00:34:56.594 --> 00:34:58.638
That's exhausting,
I have to tell you.
588
00:34:58.722 --> 00:35:01.224
That is a workout
to do that character.
589
00:35:07.647 --> 00:35:09.524
I went to camp for fat kids.
590
00:35:09.608 --> 00:35:11.359
Uh, it was-- No, it was great.
591
00:35:11.443 --> 00:35:13.820
Some of you will get sad
because I don't know why.
592
00:35:13.903 --> 00:35:15.530
Fat camp was fun.
593
00:35:15.614 --> 00:35:17.115
We all went on our own bus.
594
00:35:17.198 --> 00:35:18.950
We used to play--
595
00:35:20.660 --> 00:35:23.038
We--
596
00:35:24.164 --> 00:35:27.792
We used to play a lot of fun games
like breathing, chafing.
597
00:35:30.378 --> 00:35:32.589
Try to hide and seek.
That was fun.
598
00:35:34.341 --> 00:35:37.677
I would say to my friend, Jody,
"I can see you behind the barn.
599
00:35:39.596 --> 00:35:42.390
You need to find a mountain.
I mean..."
600
00:35:46.311 --> 00:35:49.731
There were no top bunks
for safety reasons, of course.
601
00:35:52.734 --> 00:35:54.819
We loved playing catch...
602
00:35:54.903 --> 00:35:56.488
our breath.
You know, it was...
603
00:36:01.034 --> 00:36:03.119
We used to have to go
for walks every morning.
604
00:36:03.203 --> 00:36:04.496
That was great, we'd hear...
605
00:36:07.707 --> 00:36:11.169
And we'd walk up and down hills,
you know, next to cattle.
606
00:36:11.252 --> 00:36:12.796
This is totally true.
607
00:36:12.879 --> 00:36:16.257
And people that would drive
into town would get-- be supportive.
608
00:36:16.341 --> 00:36:19.219
You know, they'd yell out,
"Good job, kids!"
609
00:36:19.302 --> 00:36:21.805
And we would go...
610
00:36:29.104 --> 00:36:32.899
I gave my first handjob in fat camp.
This is totally true.
611
00:36:32.982 --> 00:36:35.276
It took me an hour to find his dick.
612
00:36:35.360 --> 00:36:39.447
I'm like, "Where the fuck
is this thing?!"
613
00:36:39.531 --> 00:36:41.700
It was like another camp activity.
614
00:36:43.159 --> 00:36:44.786
I felt like I was kneading bread.
615
00:36:44.869 --> 00:36:47.664
I really did, like I was ab...
616
00:36:47.747 --> 00:36:50.375
Do you know when he came,
warm butter came out?
617
00:36:55.839 --> 00:36:58.591
No wonder why I stayed fat.
It was delicious.
618
00:37:12.063 --> 00:37:14.858
So, I went to a trauma center. Um...
619
00:37:14.941 --> 00:37:18.570
I love that segue.
620
00:37:19.571 --> 00:37:22.824
"It was warm butter, it was delicious.
I went to a trauma center."
621
00:37:24.325 --> 00:37:27.579
And I got sober, uh, during COVID.
622
00:37:27.662 --> 00:37:30.707
Um, and it was-- Thank you.
Thank you so much for supporting.
623
00:37:30.790 --> 00:37:33.376
I'm joking. I'm totally joking that.
624
00:37:34.836 --> 00:37:37.172
Yeah, this is upbeat.
Anyway, um,
625
00:37:37.255 --> 00:37:40.592
no, it's great.
I mean, I-I had a problem with drugs.
626
00:37:40.675 --> 00:37:42.177
You know you have a problem with cocaine
627
00:37:42.260 --> 00:37:44.429
when you're like,
"It's my turn," and you're alone.
628
00:37:44.512 --> 00:37:46.222
That's a fucking problem.
629
00:37:47.682 --> 00:37:48.850
You guys are so great.
630
00:37:53.146 --> 00:37:54.981
I will relapse before I die.
631
00:37:55.064 --> 00:37:57.275
I'm telling you,
I'm gonna relapse on crystal meth,
632
00:37:57.358 --> 00:38:00.403
because I never tried it,
and, um, I will.
633
00:38:00.487 --> 00:38:03.907
I'll live in an over-55
development in Florida,
634
00:38:03.990 --> 00:38:04.991
and I'll be like,
635
00:38:05.074 --> 00:38:07.410
"I just ran
around the golf course 68 times.
636
00:38:07.494 --> 00:38:08.495
Who wants to fuck?"
637
00:38:08.578 --> 00:38:09.746
You know what I'm saying?
638
00:38:15.210 --> 00:38:17.378
"Get over here, Shelby."
639
00:38:23.843 --> 00:38:26.846
When I got to the, um,
the place, it was amazing
640
00:38:26.930 --> 00:38:30.225
'cause the woman that checked me in,
uh, was unbelievable.
641
00:38:30.308 --> 00:38:31.810
It was the first person I saw there.
642
00:38:31.893 --> 00:38:34.604
And I literally walked in the office
and I sat down,
643
00:38:34.687 --> 00:38:35.814
and she literally looked at me
644
00:38:35.897 --> 00:38:37.565
and she's like,
"Hello.
645
00:38:39.025 --> 00:38:41.319
"Welcome to the trauma center.
646
00:38:43.071 --> 00:38:46.407
"You're gonna get a lot
of things done here.
647
00:38:46.491 --> 00:38:49.202
"We're gonna take
really good care of you.
648
00:38:50.537 --> 00:38:53.248
"You're gonna heal a lot of wounds.
649
00:38:53.331 --> 00:38:58.211
You're gonna do breath work
and exposure therapy."
650
00:38:58.294 --> 00:39:00.255
I'm like, "Are you a patient?"
651
00:39:05.134 --> 00:39:08.972
"Did you leave a group?"
Like, what the fuck is going on right now?
652
00:39:10.890 --> 00:39:13.768
I looked down to see
if she was wearing paper slippers.
653
00:39:13.852 --> 00:39:15.144
I was like...
654
00:39:17.897 --> 00:39:20.275
And then we dated,
and it was really...
655
00:39:21.693 --> 00:39:23.736
...an incredible relationship.
656
00:39:29.909 --> 00:39:32.537
I, uh, I did therapy with a horse.
657
00:39:32.620 --> 00:39:35.790
Um, I did equine therapy.
Don't even ask.
658
00:39:35.874 --> 00:39:39.419
I would've never done this
if I wasn't in such bad shape.
659
00:39:40.253 --> 00:39:42.547
I mean, I'm very open,
but this was a lot.
660
00:39:42.630 --> 00:39:43.631
Uh...
661
00:39:44.048 --> 00:39:46.217
and the woman took me down there
and she's like,
662
00:39:46.301 --> 00:39:48.469
"We're gonna do
therapy with a horse,
663
00:39:48.553 --> 00:39:50.263
"and it's really gonna heal you.
664
00:39:50.346 --> 00:39:52.557
"Um, you're gonna stand
across from the horse
665
00:39:52.640 --> 00:39:55.226
"and the horse
is gonna take on your feelings,
666
00:39:55.310 --> 00:39:57.020
and the horse is gonna mirror you."
667
00:39:57.103 --> 00:40:01.190
And, um, I'm like, "If the horse
takes on my feelings
668
00:40:01.274 --> 00:40:03.109
"and experiences
what I'm experience,
669
00:40:03.192 --> 00:40:05.695
"it's gonna fucking kill itself, okay?
670
00:40:07.030 --> 00:40:09.908
"It's gonna drop dead,
because I'm not okay.
671
00:40:09.991 --> 00:40:13.912
Do you understand that
I'm not okay right now?"
672
00:40:14.412 --> 00:40:18.750
So, I stood...
across from this horse.
673
00:40:18.833 --> 00:40:22.086
I'm literally staring
in this horse's face.
674
00:40:22.170 --> 00:40:25.882
And I felt like it was like--
I really felt like the horse
675
00:40:25.965 --> 00:40:29.177
was looking at me like,
"Wow, another horse."
676
00:40:29.260 --> 00:40:30.803
You know what I mean? Like...
677
00:40:36.267 --> 00:40:38.394
"She's pretty, you know?"
I really...
678
00:40:40.188 --> 00:40:44.233
And then I look down,
and the horse had a hard-on, I swear.
679
00:40:44.317 --> 00:40:46.235
Has anyone ever seen
a horse with a hard-on?
680
00:40:46.319 --> 00:40:49.614
It's, it's a wiffle bat.
It is enormous.
681
00:40:49.697 --> 00:40:53.493
It's this big, okay?
It's huge.
682
00:40:53.576 --> 00:40:56.788
And I really felt good.
I'm not kidding.
683
00:40:56.871 --> 00:41:01.960
It was the best I felt during
my time at the trauma center.
684
00:41:03.169 --> 00:41:07.840
I finally turned something on.
685
00:41:09.759 --> 00:41:11.970
And then I sucked it,
and the thing is...
686
00:41:20.520 --> 00:41:24.315
...I was shocked because warm butter
came out, you know what I mean?
687
00:41:28.903 --> 00:41:31.739
I, uh, I really am trying
to take care of myself.
688
00:41:31.823 --> 00:41:34.534
And, uh, you know,
I went to Sephora recently.
689
00:41:34.617 --> 00:41:37.453
That's the butch thing about me,
I do not know how to put on makeup.
690
00:41:37.537 --> 00:41:39.956
I've tried for years;
I don't know how.
691
00:41:40.039 --> 00:41:41.499
And when I put on makeup,
692
00:41:41.582 --> 00:41:43.668
I look like I've been passed
around at a frat party.
693
00:41:43.751 --> 00:41:45.253
It's a fucking
694
00:41:45.336 --> 00:41:47.588
mess.
695
00:41:48.089 --> 00:41:50.800
So, I--
I went to Sephora,
696
00:41:50.883 --> 00:41:55.054
and I went up to the most
bedazzled gay guy I could find.
697
00:41:55.138 --> 00:41:57.515
I know.
698
00:41:57.598 --> 00:42:02.061
Heaven for me. Heaven, because I knew
he'd be honest with me.
699
00:42:02.145 --> 00:42:04.522
'Cause those young girls
are full of shit, you know?
700
00:42:04.605 --> 00:42:07.608
They're like,
"You look great. You're doing a great job.
701
00:42:07.692 --> 00:42:09.485
"You are. You can do it.
702
00:42:09.569 --> 00:42:11.446
"And you're thin,
you're thin.
703
00:42:11.529 --> 00:42:13.823
And your boobs are even.
They're real--"
704
00:42:13.906 --> 00:42:15.700
And I'm like,
"No, my boobs aren't even,
705
00:42:15.783 --> 00:42:17.452
and my bra looks like a dog toy."
706
00:42:17.535 --> 00:42:19.370
But anyway...
707
00:42:21.581 --> 00:42:25.084
I went up to him and I was like,
"Uh, can you help me?"
708
00:42:25.168 --> 00:42:26.794
And literally, he looked at me
and he goes,
709
00:42:26.878 --> 00:42:28.087
"Oh, honey!
710
00:42:29.422 --> 00:42:31.841
"We have a lot of work to do!
711
00:42:34.802 --> 00:42:36.846
"This bitch is a mess.
And she's famous.
712
00:42:36.929 --> 00:42:38.848
"I know you from TikTok.
713
00:42:38.931 --> 00:42:41.851
In every video,
you look like Michael Jackson."
714
00:42:50.651 --> 00:42:53.071
I was there for hours,
I'm not kidding.
715
00:42:53.154 --> 00:42:54.489
He spent hours on me.
716
00:42:54.572 --> 00:42:56.991
Do you know, when I left there,
I looked like a drag queen.
717
00:42:57.075 --> 00:42:59.077
I looked like RuPaul.
718
00:42:59.160 --> 00:43:02.580
I had a wig on, a gown, high heels.
719
00:43:02.663 --> 00:43:04.499
I had a dick.
Do you understand?
720
00:43:07.043 --> 00:43:09.629
I got head.
You know, the thing is...
721
00:43:17.095 --> 00:43:21.224
I, uh-- This crowd, I have to tell you,
you guys have been unbelievable.
722
00:43:21.307 --> 00:43:23.935
I really love this crowd. Thank you.
723
00:43:25.186 --> 00:43:27.438
I'm so grateful to you guys.
724
00:43:28.147 --> 00:43:30.274
You know, I-I love my fans.
725
00:43:30.358 --> 00:43:34.904
Uh, I-- been doing this for a long time,
and I am so grateful to my fans.
726
00:43:34.987 --> 00:43:38.241
I'm so-- You know, I deal with
a lot of stuff you deal with,
727
00:43:38.324 --> 00:43:40.743
uh, anxiety, depression.
728
00:43:40.827 --> 00:43:45.248
And, um, I get messages every day,
uh, from people all over, like,
729
00:43:45.331 --> 00:43:48.167
"Hi, Jessica, this is
your mentally ill fan from Ohio.
730
00:43:50.503 --> 00:43:53.714
"I just wanna say I'm barely alive.
But your...
731
00:43:55.383 --> 00:43:57.969
"video today about tits
and Jews really...
732
00:44:00.596 --> 00:44:04.767
"...really helped me
just wanna be here one more day.
733
00:44:04.851 --> 00:44:08.146
I'm just hoping tomorrow's video
is as funny."
734
00:44:13.109 --> 00:44:16.279
I'm like, "That's a lot
of pressure, Mary," like...
735
00:44:18.239 --> 00:44:21.576
Because, you know, it's not easy.
You know, and I have anxiety.
736
00:44:21.659 --> 00:44:23.619
I was walking down the street recently,
and these two girls
737
00:44:23.703 --> 00:44:25.913
were walking in front of me,
and I'm having, like, that--
738
00:44:25.997 --> 00:44:28.166
those heart palpitations
and all that stuff.
739
00:44:28.249 --> 00:44:30.668
I know, some of you deal with it.
It's so hard.
740
00:44:30.751 --> 00:44:33.421
And they were having
the craziest conversation.
741
00:44:33.504 --> 00:44:35.214
This girl's like,
"Oh, my God, Chelsea,
742
00:44:35.298 --> 00:44:36.591
"you're not gonna believe this.
743
00:44:36.674 --> 00:44:38.593
"But I was on TikTok,
and I post this video
744
00:44:38.676 --> 00:44:40.303
"and, like, nobody liked it
and nobody commented.
745
00:44:40.386 --> 00:44:42.221
"And I was, like, so upset
because, like, I'm an influencer.
746
00:44:42.305 --> 00:44:44.182
"And, like, this is really upsetting
because, like, nobody commented.
747
00:44:44.265 --> 00:44:45.683
"It was, like, really upsetting
'cause the algorithm's off.
748
00:44:45.766 --> 00:44:47.393
And, like, the lighting was perfect,
and my makeup looked perfect."
749
00:44:54.609 --> 00:44:56.903
Right? I know.
750
00:44:57.904 --> 00:44:59.071
Yeah.
751
00:44:59.155 --> 00:45:00.448
I know,
and then, the other girl was like,
752
00:45:00.531 --> 00:45:02.450
"Oh, my God, you should've
called me or texted me.
753
00:45:02.533 --> 00:45:03.993
We're BFFs."
754
00:45:07.830 --> 00:45:09.582
So, I killed them.
I fucking killed them.
755
00:45:09.665 --> 00:45:11.751
I did. I know.
756
00:45:13.294 --> 00:45:15.421
I did.
I killed them.
757
00:45:19.508 --> 00:45:22.261
Because, like I said,
they're not gonna stop talking like that.
758
00:45:22.345 --> 00:45:24.096
Like, you're gonna go
to a doctor and be like,
759
00:45:24.180 --> 00:45:27.433
"Hi, I'm really not feeling well.
I have a fever."
760
00:45:27.516 --> 00:45:29.560
"Oh, my God, are you congested?
761
00:45:29.644 --> 00:45:31.270
"'Cause I was watching
a reel the other day,
762
00:45:31.354 --> 00:45:33.439
"and this girl was, like, so congested,
and I was like, 'Oh, my God.
763
00:45:33.522 --> 00:45:35.483
"How are you breathing right now?'
764
00:45:35.566 --> 00:45:37.568
"Does your throat hurt?
Like, does it hurt when you swallow?
765
00:45:37.652 --> 00:45:39.612
"Because I met the cutest guy
the other day, and I swallowed.
766
00:45:39.695 --> 00:45:41.822
"I swallowed his load,
and I was like...
767
00:45:41.906 --> 00:45:43.741
And now, I'm like,
'Is he gonna call me?'"
768
00:45:43.824 --> 00:45:46.077
How do you fuck a girl like that?
Can you imagine?
769
00:45:46.160 --> 00:45:48.287
"Oh, my God, fuck me harder.
You're not fucking me harder.
770
00:45:48.371 --> 00:45:49.914
"I said fuck me harder.
You're not doing it.
771
00:45:49.997 --> 00:45:51.874
"I said fuck me harder.
Come on, fuck me harder.
772
00:45:51.958 --> 00:45:53.834
"Fuck me harder, motherfucker!
773
00:45:55.002 --> 00:45:56.587
"Okay, you're fucking me harder now.
774
00:45:56.671 --> 00:45:57.880
"Do you love me? Do you love me?
775
00:45:57.964 --> 00:46:00.299
"I know we just met, but do you love me?
Do you love me?
776
00:46:00.383 --> 00:46:02.218
"Will you marry me? Do you love me?
You're not listening to me.
777
00:46:02.301 --> 00:46:03.803
"No one ever listens to me.
Do you love me?
778
00:46:03.886 --> 00:46:06.222
"Do you love me?!
Do you?!
779
00:46:06.639 --> 00:46:08.474
"Okay, okay, I think
I'm gonna come. I'm gonna come.
780
00:46:08.557 --> 00:46:09.642
"I'm gonna come, come, come.
I'm gonna come.
781
00:46:09.725 --> 00:46:10.851
"I'm gonna come. I'm gonna come.
782
00:46:10.935 --> 00:46:12.770
"I'm gonna come.
Here we go. Here we go.
783
00:46:12.853 --> 00:46:15.273
"Here we go! This is amazing!
784
00:46:15.356 --> 00:46:18.067
"Okay. Um, okay.
Okay. Here we go.
785
00:46:18.150 --> 00:46:19.527
Here we go. Here we go."
786
00:46:26.575 --> 00:46:29.245
I'm losing my mind.
787
00:46:32.331 --> 00:46:35.042
♪ We represent the lollipop guild ♪
788
00:46:35.126 --> 00:46:38.671
You guys are amazing.
Thank you so much.
789
00:46:38.754 --> 00:46:42.383
Oh, my God. Thank you. I love you.
790
00:46:43.134 --> 00:46:44.844
Oh, my God. Thank you.
791
00:46:44.927 --> 00:46:46.595
I love you so much.
792
00:46:46.679 --> 00:46:49.807
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you,.
793
00:46:52.685 --> 00:46:54.562
Thank you so much.