WEBVTT FILE

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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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Hey, this is Redban.

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Coming to you live
from Madison Square Garden

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here in New York City

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for a brand new episode of <i>Kill Tony.</i>

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Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe!

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New York City!

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Madison Square Fucking Garden,
the greatest arena in the world.

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They said we'd never be back.

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Who's ready for the best
fucking night of their lives?

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Make some noise for Redban, everybody!

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What is up?

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Oh, my God, it is going down!

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New York!
How the fuck are we feeling tonight, huh?

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Oh, my God. This is it.

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The Mecca.

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The greatest arena in the world!

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The third ever <i>Kill Tony</i> here

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and proud to say, the first ever podcast

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ever, at Madison Square Garden.

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And this is our third time doing it

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and the first time
in an arena for Netflix, everybody.

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You are here watching history happen.

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What an amazing show we have for you,
and I'm just gonna jump right into it.

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I'm gonna bring up tonight's guest.

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Ladies and gentlemen, first guest,
one of the biggest and best in the world.

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His special is on Netflix.

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Multiple specials.

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The youngest comedian ever
to sell out Madison Square Garden,

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and he's done it twice already.

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Truly one of the best in the world.

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Make some fucking noise for Matt Rife,
ladies and gentlemen, here we go.

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Oh, yeah, they're on their fucking feet.

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Multiple time guest.

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One of the greatest rippers in the world.

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One of the greatest comedians.

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A fucking stud.

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One of the homies, Matt Rife.

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Your second guest, ladies and gentlemen,

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one of the kings of New York,

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one of my favorite human beings
here with us for the next three hours,

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make some noise
for the great Mark Normand, everybody.

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Yeah. Oh, yeah.

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Comedy! Let's go.

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We're going joke heavy
this episode, everyone.

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We're not dusting up
old comedy mummies tonight.

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We got the fucking jokesters here.

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Rapid fire.

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One more time, Matt Rife and Mark Normand,
ladies and gentlemen.

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We're gonna have so much fun.

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We have a very, very special treat,
as some of you may know.

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How many of you were here
at Madison Square Garden last year?

54
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Well, welcome back.

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You guys know we have a very special thing
here called the Legends Bucket.

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Last year, we got multiple sets

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from some of the best comedians
in the world.

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Tonight, only at MSG
do we ever bust out the Legends Bucket.

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It's gonna be a blast.

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Just a heads up
for the normal bucket pulls,

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there's no booing during their sets.

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You have to save your boos
for after their sets.

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Yes, please.
For the love of God, give them a chance.

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Sometimes they mention a sports team
or a city that you guys don't like.

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And then that's just the end
of all of their dreams immediately.

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Just give them a chance
to get to their punch line, at least,

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before you destroy their souls forever.

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Mark Normand, how are we feeling?

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It's your city, New York City.
You're at Madison Square Garden.

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Hey.

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Feeling good.
This is exciting. Look at us.

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A couple of hunks and Redban.

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Redban wearing his big executive
producer glasses tonight.

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- Look at you. Whoa!
- You're like a young Harvey Weinstein.

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Sit on my lap.

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- I fucking love--
- Good to be here. Thank you for having me.

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Matt Rife, welcome back. You're in it.

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- Not bad.
- Back home.

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He was just here a couple of weeks ago.

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Selling it out all on your own.

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Yeah, a month ago, we were here for two
of the greatest shows in my entire life.

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So New York, I love you.
I'm happy to be back, man.

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- Let's have some fun.
- I love it. I love it.

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The guys are happy. The ladies are happy.

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The kids, the old people.

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I see it all.
We're ready to start this fucking show.

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Uh... Let's just jump right into it.

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You guys know how it works.

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Uh, comedians, if pulled out
of the normal bucket--

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Legends get to
do a little longer, of course.

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But the normal bucket things
stay the same.

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They get pulled out of this bucket.

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They get one minute uninterrupted.

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You know their set is up
when you hear the sound of a kitten.

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That means they have to wrap it up then,

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or else they bring out
the angry West Hollywood bear,

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which has always been with us.

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It's just a very, very loud growl.

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Oh, my God, wait a second.

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Wait a second.

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No way!

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Wait a second.

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Nate Diaz, the master
of the Stockton Slap.

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UFC Future Hall of Famer.

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One of the kings of California, Nate Diaz.

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If bucket pulls go over their minute,

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they get slapped across the face
by Nate Diaz tonight.

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Nate, step up to that mic.

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How does it make you feel when
comedians go over their allotted time?

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When it's time to go,
get the fuck off the stage.

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Let's go.

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Let's fucking go.

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One more time for Nate Diaz.

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We're gonna do this shit tonight.

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Yeah!

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These bucket pulls better
respect their allotted time.

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Why don't we bring up
a Hall of Famer to do a minute?

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Ladies and gentlemen,
this is David Lucas, everybody.

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Oh, shit!

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The roast man himself.

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David Lucas.

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Yeah.

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I love being Black because

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Black people don't tolerate shit.
Like, Black people don't like gay people.

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The only exception is if it's Tyler Perry,

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or the choir director, you know.

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Like, Black people
don't like trans people, they don't.

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And the reason Black people
don't like trans people

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is because Black people hate magic.

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You ever seen somebody
do a magic trick on a nigga?

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They take off running. They don't get it.

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They think it's evil.

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Like you will never see
a Black magician, bro, ever,

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because we think it's the fucking devil.

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But my friend did send me
one Black magician

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on Twitter the other day,
and this motherfucker

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was the most nigger-ish magician
I've ever seen.

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This motherfucker turned a dove
into a spicy chicken sandwich.

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I'm like, "That's Black magic."

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All right, thank you all.

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Hell yeah.

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That's hilarious.

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Hell yeah, Tony.

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Spicy chicken.

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I know you're horny as hell
sitting next to Matt Rife.

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- Oh, my God.
- Tony pussy wet as hell.

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I mean, it is.

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This... This is adorable.

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You're the world's largest
olive right now, David.

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And you are the world's
gayest lesbian right now.

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- Nigga, get the fuck up!
- Oh...

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- Oh, my God
- I like it, Tony. You got on blue.

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What's it like being at a garden?

154
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And I know you normally avoid those
'cause you hate vegetables and fruits.

155
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He thought it was Olive Garden.

156
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Mark Normand. You look like a puppy
waiting to get adopted.

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Bitch, shut your ass!

158
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That motherfucker look like
a shelter dog, nigga.

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Let me talk in your language.

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With the green, you look like Shrek.

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I like the dreads, Blob Marley.

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Blob Marley.

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- All right, that's enough, motherfucker.
- Let's go!

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Y'all niggas coming
for my neck tonight, nigga.

165
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Y'all coming
for the neck I ain't got, huh? Bitch.

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Fuck you! Fuck you, Matt Rife

167
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- and Tony. Fuck you.
- What did I do?

168
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I don't know. You look like
a love child from Ellen DeGeneres.

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Okay, Karl-Anthony Pounds.

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Ah!

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We call you Ellen the Genderless, nigga.

172
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You're wearing the tent you sleep in.

173
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You look like a sexual
harassment-proof woman.

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Nigga, your ass--

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That motherfucker ain't got no pussy.

176
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It's just like one of them Barbie dolls.

177
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It's just flat nigga.

178
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Look at that nigga.
Team Edward-looking ass. Boy, your ass.

179
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<i>Twilight,</i> the TV show on tube,
you nigga. Your ass...

180
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Mark Normand. Fuck you, bitch!

181
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- Wow.
- What about you?

182
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Those pants, you put the--
You put the mo in camo.

183
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I don't even got a joke

184
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against your motherfucking
38 days sober looking ass.

185
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Abusive stepdaddy.

186
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You don't know your dad.

187
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I do know my dad. He's cremated
living in my garage right now.

188
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That's the truth. He's in a Nike shoebox.

189
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Oh, my God.

190
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David is on fire.

191
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Even your dad's ashy.

192
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Don't put that shit on Netflix.
That's racist.

193
00:11:16.042 --> 00:11:19.211
- Put it on there.
- Comedy.

194
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David, what do you like to do
when you're in New York City?

195
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We very rarely get to make it up here.
You live in Texas.

196
00:11:27.153 --> 00:11:28.987
But you're in Cali a lot.

197
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I like to eat pizza.

198
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- Wow.
- Pizza's good up here, bro.

199
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- Yeah?
- Yeah.

200
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Why do you think it is that New York can
master pizza and everyone else struggles?

201
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You are our senior carbohydrate--

202
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All the immigrants.

203
00:11:47.440 --> 00:11:50.075
When they was coming from Europe and shit,
they landed in New York.

204
00:11:50.076 --> 00:11:52.811
- That's how we got the Statue of Liberty.
- Wow, that's a little--

205
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Welcome to Black history
with David Lucas, everybody.

206
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Man, these motherfuckers come over.

207
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That's how we got the Statue of Liberty.

208
00:12:00.519 --> 00:12:02.787
Ain't that how we got
the Statue of Liberty?

209
00:12:02.788 --> 00:12:05.224
Wasn't it in, like, a trade or some shit?

210
00:12:06.392 --> 00:12:08.693
How did we get--
It was a present from France, right?

211
00:12:08.694 --> 00:12:10.762
- Yeah.
- Yeah, but that ain't Italian.

212
00:12:10.763 --> 00:12:13.265
Shit. I don't know how we got pizza.
You got me beat.

213
00:12:14.033 --> 00:12:15.366
Yeah, that's just-- I don't know, nigga.

214
00:12:15.367 --> 00:12:17.670
I don't know
why New York is so good at pizza.

215
00:12:18.504 --> 00:12:20.873
But Mexicans make it,
that's the crazy part.

216
00:12:23.042 --> 00:12:24.143
Not for long.

217
00:12:27.580 --> 00:12:28.614
He's joking.

218
00:12:29.281 --> 00:12:31.883
Can I get some more ice?

219
00:12:31.884 --> 00:12:34.385
This nigga Mark Normand crazy.

220
00:12:34.386 --> 00:12:37.055
David Lucas's Netflix debut.

221
00:12:37.056 --> 00:12:41.726
- Netflix debut. Hell yeah.
- Normally on TLC.

222
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Lift your arm up again.

223
00:12:43.162 --> 00:12:46.030
<i>My 600-lb Life.</i>

224
00:12:46.031 --> 00:12:48.734
Matt Rife put his microphone down.
Thank God.

225
00:12:49.902 --> 00:12:53.339
That nigga itching
to put on a Tony Robbins headset.

226
00:12:56.842 --> 00:12:57.742
I love it.

227
00:12:57.743 --> 00:13:00.946
Speaking of Robbins, what else
are you doing while you're in New York?

228
00:13:04.383 --> 00:13:06.284
I'm chilling, bro.
I ain't doing shit, bro.

229
00:13:06.285 --> 00:13:09.254
Shout out to Netflix,
they don't put a nigga on TV.

230
00:13:09.255 --> 00:13:12.625
I'm so late, but David wears
a Baskin Robbins headset.

231
00:13:14.126 --> 00:13:16.227
So late.

232
00:13:16.228 --> 00:13:17.295
Would you ever--

233
00:13:17.296 --> 00:13:18.330
- Sorry.
- It's all right.

234
00:13:19.632 --> 00:13:22.500
Man, get your albino Avatar-looking ass
up out of here, man.

235
00:13:22.501 --> 00:13:23.968
What the fuck wrong with you?

236
00:13:23.969 --> 00:13:25.537
What do you eat for breakfast?

237
00:13:25.538 --> 00:13:26.871
Nothing.

238
00:13:26.872 --> 00:13:29.841
- Okay. No one believes that.
- I don't eat breakfast.

239
00:13:29.842 --> 00:13:31.510
I make up the calories at lunch.

240
00:13:32.211 --> 00:13:34.179
- Froot Loops?
- Huh?

241
00:13:34.180 --> 00:13:35.380
Froot Loops?

242
00:13:35.381 --> 00:13:37.248
No, I ain't ate cereal in a long time.

243
00:13:37.249 --> 00:13:38.250
It's not Ozempic.

244
00:13:41.587 --> 00:13:43.521
David so much fun, man.

245
00:13:43.522 --> 00:13:47.525
- Hell yeah. Appreciate it, man.
- The legend of the show, David Lucas.

246
00:13:47.526 --> 00:13:49.828
One of the greatest. Not one of.

247
00:13:49.829 --> 00:13:53.531
Probably truly the greatest golden ticket
winner in the history of the show.

248
00:13:53.532 --> 00:13:56.901
He's proven himself so many damn times.

249
00:13:56.902 --> 00:14:01.239
The most used Golden Ticket winner,
the most cash-ins ever.

250
00:14:01.240 --> 00:14:04.242
And it's almost always
at the top of an episode.

251
00:14:04.243 --> 00:14:07.212
This guy knows how to get a party
started better than anybody.

252
00:14:07.213 --> 00:14:11.115
This is a minute uninterrupted
from the great Martin Phillips, everybody.

253
00:14:11.116 --> 00:14:13.919
Here we go. Here we go.

254
00:14:20.759 --> 00:14:21.893
Hey.

255
00:14:21.894 --> 00:14:23.561 line:5%
Hey. Cool.

256
00:14:23.562 --> 00:14:25.497 line:5%
What's going on? What's up?

257
00:14:27.399 --> 00:14:28.667
Say...

258
00:14:29.501 --> 00:14:31.703
Cool. Um...

259
00:14:31.704 --> 00:14:35.240
Uh, Jesus was a carpenter.

260
00:14:35.241 --> 00:14:38.443
So do you think,
when he was carrying the cross,

261
00:14:38.444 --> 00:14:41.847
he was like,
"Who built this piece of shit?"

262
00:14:43.315 --> 00:14:46.918
"I have to die on poor craftsmanship."

263
00:14:46.919 --> 00:14:51.991
"It's like getting splinters, 'cause they
didn't even sand this, you know."

264
00:14:53.492 --> 00:15:00.298
Anyway, I see these videos online
of dudes masturbating and all.

265
00:15:00.299 --> 00:15:03.701
I can never watch it, because I'd be like,

266
00:15:03.702 --> 00:15:06.404
"Bro's doing it all wrong," you know.

267
00:15:06.405 --> 00:15:09.073
"This guy does it weird," you know.

268
00:15:09.074 --> 00:15:12.143
And they show the video
from the neck down.

269
00:15:12.144 --> 00:15:16.481
But I feel like if it was me,
people would still know it was me.

270
00:15:16.482 --> 00:15:18.016
You know what I'm saying?

271
00:15:18.017 --> 00:15:20.251
You can't blur my face.

272
00:15:20.252 --> 00:15:23.488
You have to blur my entire body, you know.
And it's...

273
00:15:23.489 --> 00:15:26.191
Okay. Cool. Okay.

274
00:15:28.627 --> 00:15:30.329
Martin Phillips.

275
00:15:32.564 --> 00:15:34.966
I love it. Martin, you're doing it.

276
00:15:34.967 --> 00:15:35.900
Yeah, yeah.

277
00:15:35.901 --> 00:15:37.368
How do you feel, buddy?

278
00:15:37.369 --> 00:15:39.637
Good. It's a good night.

279
00:15:39.638 --> 00:15:42.907
Is that a special store you have to go to
to get a shirt like that?

280
00:15:42.908 --> 00:15:45.410
Nice shirt. Yes. Nice shirt.

281
00:15:45.411 --> 00:15:48.846
Is this your first time
wearing those suits, you know?

282
00:15:48.847 --> 00:15:52.050
Oh, well, actually, it's not.

283
00:15:52.051 --> 00:15:55.219
I wore a suit last time
I was at Madison Square Garden.

284
00:15:55.220 --> 00:15:56.655
Oh, I forgot.

285
00:15:57.623 --> 00:15:59.257
It's a special event.

286
00:15:59.258 --> 00:16:01.026
- Don't look it up.
- Okay.

287
00:16:03.128 --> 00:16:05.830
- I got it now. Yeah.
- Got it.

288
00:16:05.831 --> 00:16:07.932
I had nothing to do with that.

289
00:16:07.933 --> 00:16:10.168
- I had no idea.
- That's right.

290
00:16:10.169 --> 00:16:12.070
- Not involved.
- Absolutely.

291
00:16:12.071 --> 00:16:15.473
Martin, how do you feel?
You're at Madison Square Garden right now.

292
00:16:15.474 --> 00:16:17.343
I feel good. Yeah.

293
00:16:17.943 --> 00:16:19.744
Yeah, it's cool, you know.

294
00:16:19.745 --> 00:16:23.247
I know this is for Netflix.

295
00:16:23.248 --> 00:16:24.415
You know what?

296
00:16:24.416 --> 00:16:28.353
I have a few TV show and movie ideas...

297
00:16:28.354 --> 00:16:30.588
- Oh, great.
- ...I would like to pitch.

298
00:16:30.589 --> 00:16:32.056
No better time.

299
00:16:32.057 --> 00:16:34.492
Netflix execs
all in these suites all around us.

300
00:16:34.493 --> 00:16:37.695
- Go right ahead.
- Okay. Here's the TV show.

301
00:16:37.696 --> 00:16:39.998
Without an explanation,

302
00:16:39.999 --> 00:16:44.403
this guy wakes up and he's Adolf Hitler.

303
00:16:46.505 --> 00:16:50.008
And at first, it's pretty jarring,

304
00:16:50.009 --> 00:16:52.410
but then he comes to terms

305
00:16:52.411 --> 00:16:57.215
and decides to do the opposite
and do positives,

306
00:16:57.216 --> 00:17:00.185
and I call it "Good Hitler."

307
00:17:03.622 --> 00:17:05.790
We're getting worried.
You hear that noise?

308
00:17:05.791 --> 00:17:07.925
That means they have already approved it.

309
00:17:07.926 --> 00:17:11.095
You can catch <i>Good Hitler</i>
later this year on Netflix.

310
00:17:11.096 --> 00:17:12.864
Mark Normand.

311
00:17:12.865 --> 00:17:14.499
I know you're pitching to Netflix,

312
00:17:14.500 --> 00:17:16.969
but I feel like you'd be
more suited for Twitch.

313
00:17:20.506 --> 00:17:22.440
I saw him earlier eating a Chick Shack.

314
00:17:22.441 --> 00:17:25.576
But, um, you know... All right.

315
00:17:25.577 --> 00:17:27.912
He definitely can't Hulu hoop.

316
00:17:27.913 --> 00:17:29.213
Hulu...

317
00:17:29.214 --> 00:17:30.848
Oh, nothing. Great. I'm bombing.

318
00:17:30.849 --> 00:17:32.917
Okay, great.

319
00:17:32.918 --> 00:17:34.218
I love it.

320
00:17:34.219 --> 00:17:37.722
Well, you got any other pitches
for Netflix? This is your big chance.

321
00:17:37.723 --> 00:17:41.259
Okay. Here is a movie idea. Okay?

322
00:17:41.260 --> 00:17:44.729
So, the world is ending,

323
00:17:44.730 --> 00:17:48.766
and there was, like,
this top government official.

324
00:17:48.767 --> 00:17:53.037
He goes out with this girl,
and one of his friends was like,

325
00:17:53.038 --> 00:17:57.375
"Hey, her ass is out of this world."

326
00:17:57.376 --> 00:18:00.244
And at first he's like, "It's okay."

327
00:18:00.245 --> 00:18:04.615
But then he sleeps with her
and he sees her ass,

328
00:18:04.616 --> 00:18:06.684
and it's like a blinding light,

329
00:18:06.685 --> 00:18:11.589
because it's a portal
to another dimension.

330
00:18:11.590 --> 00:18:15.793
So the world has to go

331
00:18:15.794 --> 00:18:18.996
through her ass to be saved,

332
00:18:18.997 --> 00:18:24.068
and she sacrifices herself
for the common good.

333
00:18:24.069 --> 00:18:27.505
And... But at the end--

334
00:18:27.506 --> 00:18:30.174
Let me finish. Let me finish. All right.

335
00:18:30.175 --> 00:18:33.544
At the end, with the guy,
before he goes in--

336
00:18:33.545 --> 00:18:35.913
They love it. Netflix just picked it up.

337
00:18:35.914 --> 00:18:38.116
Unbelievable. No, go ahead and finish.

338
00:18:38.117 --> 00:18:40.751
Well, anyway, before he goes in her ass,

339
00:18:40.752 --> 00:18:43.821
he goes, "You're out of this world."

340
00:18:43.822 --> 00:18:46.257
And it's called "Out of This World."

341
00:18:46.258 --> 00:18:48.626
Wow! Hit it again.

342
00:18:48.627 --> 00:18:50.962
That is approved. Straight to print.

343
00:18:50.963 --> 00:18:52.029
Mark Normand.

344
00:18:52.030 --> 00:18:53.966
That was longer than <i>The Irishman.</i>

345
00:18:55.501 --> 00:18:58.769
- But better. But better, right? Better.
- That's true.

346
00:18:58.770 --> 00:19:02.373
Martin, is there anything fun
you like to do in New York City?

347
00:19:02.374 --> 00:19:05.143
- Anywhere you like to waddle to?
- You know what?

348
00:19:05.144 --> 00:19:09.480
I love to see a good Broadway show.
You know?

349
00:19:09.481 --> 00:19:11.416
- Ooh. Okay.
- Yeah. yeah.

350
00:19:12.084 --> 00:19:13.151
- All right.
- Yeah.

351
00:19:13.152 --> 00:19:14.619
What are you seeing?

352
00:19:14.620 --> 00:19:17.388
Tomorrow, I'm seeing this thing,

353
00:19:17.389 --> 00:19:22.493
it's called <i>Operation Mincemeat,</i>
and Nazis are in it.

354
00:19:22.494 --> 00:19:26.097
So it's perfect for my interest, I guess.

355
00:19:26.098 --> 00:19:28.699
- Yeah.
- Wow! Very interesting.

356
00:19:28.700 --> 00:19:30.334
- Yeah.
- Very interesting.

357
00:19:30.335 --> 00:19:33.237
I love it.

358
00:19:33.238 --> 00:19:35.406
Thank you so much.
That's the way to do it.

359
00:19:35.407 --> 00:19:37.275
All right. This is it.

360
00:19:37.276 --> 00:19:39.777
Bucket pull number one.

361
00:19:39.778 --> 00:19:43.347
Here we go. Zabrina Douglas.

362
00:19:43.348 --> 00:19:45.050
Zabrina.

363
00:19:51.924 --> 00:19:53.257
Whoo!

364
00:19:53.258 --> 00:19:55.726
What's up, New York City?

365
00:19:55.727 --> 00:19:58.197
Whoo!

366
00:19:59.164 --> 00:20:00.765
I'm excited to be here.

367
00:20:00.766 --> 00:20:03.267
Why? Because I have kids.

368
00:20:03.268 --> 00:20:04.903
They're so annoying.

369
00:20:05.604 --> 00:20:07.405
Like, I'm literally not a comedian.

370
00:20:07.406 --> 00:20:10.041
I just needed an excuse
to leave the house.

371
00:20:10.042 --> 00:20:13.110
I was like, "Mama's got to go
to Madison Square Gardens."

372
00:20:13.111 --> 00:20:17.549
"There's some white people,
they want to know about our lives."

373
00:20:18.116 --> 00:20:20.618
"They want to know about
Brampton Black people."

374
00:20:20.619 --> 00:20:22.588
"I'm the only one left."

375
00:20:23.455 --> 00:20:25.590
In Canada. That's cool.

376
00:20:25.591 --> 00:20:30.562
Uh... I have another job, obviously.

377
00:20:31.663 --> 00:20:34.498
I hate working. I have five kids.

378
00:20:34.499 --> 00:20:38.070
That's why I hate it.

379
00:20:42.307 --> 00:20:43.874
You hate that I have five kids?

380
00:20:43.875 --> 00:20:45.743
Why do I have five kids, you ask?

381
00:20:45.744 --> 00:20:49.648
Canadian maternity leave is so addictive.

382
00:20:51.149 --> 00:20:54.219
One year off with pay. I couldn't stop.

383
00:20:55.387 --> 00:20:56.821
Then the kids start talking.

384
00:20:56.822 --> 00:20:59.691
You're like, "Oh, my God,
it was never worth the money."

385
00:21:00.626 --> 00:21:02.861
"Why are you still living in the house?"

386
00:21:04.263 --> 00:21:05.796
- All right.
- All right.

387
00:21:05.797 --> 00:21:08.733
- Zabrina Douglas, I'm gonna save you here.
- Oh!

388
00:21:08.734 --> 00:21:12.837
I don't know how you got Redban's glasses
over there, but that's incredible.

389
00:21:12.838 --> 00:21:14.005
Hi, Zabrina.

390
00:21:14.006 --> 00:21:16.040
- Hey. How are you, Tony?
- Great.

391
00:21:16.041 --> 00:21:17.408
I love you.

392
00:21:17.409 --> 00:21:20.779
And you and you on <i>The View.</i>

393
00:21:22.781 --> 00:21:25.049
I'm pretty sure
there's three of you on there.

394
00:21:25.050 --> 00:21:28.185
It's fantastic to meet you.
I know that's shot here in New York.

395
00:21:28.186 --> 00:21:29.854
How long you been doing standup?

396
00:21:29.855 --> 00:21:31.822
Been doing it on and off for 15 years.

397
00:21:31.823 --> 00:21:32.957
Fifteen years.

398
00:21:32.958 --> 00:21:34.792
All of it here in New York City?

399
00:21:34.793 --> 00:21:36.827
No, I'm from Canada.

400
00:21:36.828 --> 00:21:38.196
Oh, no.

401
00:21:39.798 --> 00:21:43.067
I will allow you to boo
as loud as you want,

402
00:21:43.068 --> 00:21:44.468
Madison Square Garden.

403
00:21:44.469 --> 00:21:48.906
Oh!

404
00:21:48.907 --> 00:21:52.077
Oh, my goodness gracious.

405
00:21:53.211 --> 00:21:54.078
Canadian.

406
00:21:54.079 --> 00:21:56.247
You said
there's no Black people in Canada.

407
00:21:56.248 --> 00:21:57.715
- But Trudeau--
- Brown people.

408
00:21:57.716 --> 00:22:00.184
- I'm the only one left.
- Oh. Really?

409
00:22:00.185 --> 00:22:02.486
Justin Trudeau is brown once a year.

410
00:22:02.487 --> 00:22:04.221
Yeah.

411
00:22:04.222 --> 00:22:06.290
- Uh... He doesn't count.
- All right.

412
00:22:06.291 --> 00:22:07.558
Yeah.

413
00:22:07.559 --> 00:22:08.726
Absolutely amazing.

414
00:22:08.727 --> 00:22:11.562
- What do you do for work up in Canada?
- I'm a nurse.

415
00:22:11.563 --> 00:22:14.565
Oh, a Canadian nurse. Wow!

416
00:22:14.566 --> 00:22:16.067
Free healthcare up there.

417
00:22:16.068 --> 00:22:18.202
How's that working out for everybody?

418
00:22:18.203 --> 00:22:21.138
Uh... Not good. I do this for a living...

419
00:22:21.139 --> 00:22:23.941
- Right.
- ...so you can imagine how it's going.

420
00:22:23.942 --> 00:22:25.609
- Yeah.
- Yeah.

421
00:22:25.610 --> 00:22:28.846
Uh, where in Canada exactly are you?

422
00:22:28.847 --> 00:22:29.980
I'm from Brampton.

423
00:22:29.981 --> 00:22:32.450
It's like 45 minutes away from Toronto.

424
00:22:32.451 --> 00:22:34.752
Okay. Are there a lot of...

425
00:22:34.753 --> 00:22:39.758
Ooh! People specifically don't like
Brampton, Ontario, Canada.

426
00:22:40.959 --> 00:22:45.196
New Yorkers, they're just like,
"I've never heard of it. Boo!"

427
00:22:45.197 --> 00:22:48.934
"That ain't one of the boroughs. Boo."

428
00:22:49.735 --> 00:22:51.502
"I bet their pizza sucks."

429
00:22:51.503 --> 00:22:54.372
"I bet they don't even
like blow jobs there."

430
00:22:54.373 --> 00:22:56.273
Oh, no.

431
00:22:56.274 --> 00:22:58.409
"All Brampton, no blow job."

432
00:22:58.410 --> 00:23:00.378
"Canada can go fuck itself."

433
00:23:00.379 --> 00:23:02.213
Russell Peters' from there.

434
00:23:02.214 --> 00:23:03.381
Oh, okay.

435
00:23:03.382 --> 00:23:05.850
Nobody likes Russell Peters?

436
00:23:05.851 --> 00:23:06.818
All right?

437
00:23:09.621 --> 00:23:12.223
I don't like him either.

438
00:23:12.224 --> 00:23:13.358
All right, all right.

439
00:23:14.226 --> 00:23:15.394
What do you do for fun?

440
00:23:16.495 --> 00:23:19.830
Well, I have my kids,
so I spend most of the time with my kids.

441
00:23:19.831 --> 00:23:22.867
We hang out. We went to Coney Island.

442
00:23:22.868 --> 00:23:24.668
Oh, my goodness.

443
00:23:24.669 --> 00:23:26.303
Oh, wow!

444
00:23:26.304 --> 00:23:28.339
This crowd is ruthless.

445
00:23:28.340 --> 00:23:30.274
Yeah, they don't like it.

446
00:23:30.275 --> 00:23:33.310
Your kids are gonna see you
on Netflix, though. That's cool.

447
00:23:33.311 --> 00:23:35.813
Oh, no, this is not on Netflix, is it?

448
00:23:35.814 --> 00:23:37.381
Yeah.

449
00:23:37.382 --> 00:23:39.483
Oh, shit.

450
00:23:39.484 --> 00:23:41.620
What'd you think this was, BET?

451
00:23:42.854 --> 00:23:44.488
Look at those out there.

452
00:23:44.489 --> 00:23:47.591
- What's BET? I'm from Brampton.
- Oh, right, right.

453
00:23:47.592 --> 00:23:49.493
She would be on BET Plus.

454
00:23:49.494 --> 00:23:50.929
Right, right.

455
00:23:53.231 --> 00:23:55.399
Amazing. Well, it is true.

456
00:23:55.400 --> 00:23:57.968
You, uh... You did do...

457
00:23:57.969 --> 00:23:59.336
You did that set.

458
00:23:59.337 --> 00:24:01.372
Yeah, I did.

459
00:24:01.373 --> 00:24:03.207
That's the one that you went with.

460
00:24:03.208 --> 00:24:05.810
I know. My one minute. I tried.

461
00:24:05.811 --> 00:24:08.779
You watch the show?
You understand what you signed up for?

462
00:24:08.780 --> 00:24:09.914
Yeah, of course.

463
00:24:09.915 --> 00:24:12.516
A very courageous move,
especially for a Canadian.

464
00:24:12.517 --> 00:24:15.553
Here's a little joke book.
We're gonna keep it moving along.

465
00:24:15.554 --> 00:24:17.221
- Ah!
- Oh, you almost had it.

466
00:24:17.222 --> 00:24:21.692
The Canadian athleticism
of Zabrina Douglas, everybody.

467
00:24:21.693 --> 00:24:25.629
You don't really hear much of them
during the Olympics or anything.

468
00:24:25.630 --> 00:24:28.532
Canada. A very weak country.

469
00:24:28.533 --> 00:24:30.167
I mean, it's just unbelievable.

470
00:24:30.168 --> 00:24:32.670
Luckily, we will always protect them.

471
00:24:32.671 --> 00:24:37.975
Even if they boo our national anthem
at a hockey game, we will protect them.

472
00:24:37.976 --> 00:24:40.978
Remember that, Canada. It's...

473
00:24:40.979 --> 00:24:43.114
Your fate is in our hands.

474
00:24:46.117 --> 00:24:50.522
Make some noise for the Netflix debut
and the long awaited return...

475
00:24:51.156 --> 00:24:53.724
Sing it if you know the words.

476
00:24:53.725 --> 00:24:55.660
This is Hans Kim.

477
00:25:03.969 --> 00:25:08.339 line:5%
Hey. Good to be in New York.

478
00:25:08.340 --> 00:25:12.511 line:5%
I went to one of your protests
that you guys do here every weekend.

479
00:25:13.945 --> 00:25:15.514
Yeah, I drove right through it.

480
00:25:20.085 --> 00:25:21.986
Yeah, they were blocking the highway,

481
00:25:21.987 --> 00:25:25.524
fucking wearing orange vests
and hard hats, mixing concrete.

482
00:25:28.093 --> 00:25:29.728
I was like, "Fuck Palestine!"

483
00:25:34.599 --> 00:25:37.736
I did something a feminist could
never do today. I came.

484
00:25:40.939 --> 00:25:44.209
Every time a man comes, the feminist
armpit hair gets a little bit longer.

485
00:25:46.344 --> 00:25:48.846
But yeah, I love how Black people

486
00:25:48.847 --> 00:25:51.716
will charge their phone anywhere
but inside their homes.

487
00:25:54.853 --> 00:25:57.188
"My battery's getting low.
Time to go out."

488
00:26:00.492 --> 00:26:03.127
Yeah, other than that,
I'm doing pretty good.

489
00:26:03.128 --> 00:26:05.262
There's the cat.

490
00:26:05.263 --> 00:26:06.697
Thank you guys so much.

491
00:26:06.698 --> 00:26:10.367
Hans Kim. Coming in strong.

492
00:26:10.368 --> 00:26:12.836
Great jokes, Hanzee boy.

493
00:26:12.837 --> 00:26:13.837
Thank you, Tony.

494
00:26:13.838 --> 00:26:15.873
- Amazing.
- That was awesome.

495
00:26:15.874 --> 00:26:17.441
I really appreciate that.

496
00:26:17.442 --> 00:26:18.609
I love you.

497
00:26:18.610 --> 00:26:20.478
I love you, too, buddy.

498
00:26:20.979 --> 00:26:21.946
How you feeling?

499
00:26:21.947 --> 00:26:24.448
I feel great. My sex life is amazing.

500
00:26:24.449 --> 00:26:25.849
Okay.

501
00:26:25.850 --> 00:26:27.818
Let's talk about it. What do you mean?

502
00:26:27.819 --> 00:26:31.589
I've recently started calling
my girlfriend "mommy" in bed.

503
00:26:31.590 --> 00:26:32.890
Ooh!

504
00:26:32.891 --> 00:26:36.226
That's kind of a new thing. I'm...
It's kind of progressive.

505
00:26:36.227 --> 00:26:39.631
I'm sure Matt knows a lot about that. Sex.

506
00:26:42.033 --> 00:26:43.500
Sex talk.

507
00:26:43.501 --> 00:26:45.970
You're assuming
because he's a great-looking guy

508
00:26:45.971 --> 00:26:47.972
that he knows all about sex?

509
00:26:47.973 --> 00:26:51.241
Yeah, sometimes I pretend I'm Matt Rife
when I'm in bed.

510
00:26:51.242 --> 00:26:52.543
Oh!

511
00:26:52.544 --> 00:26:55.046
- What do you do?
- You're Matt Life.

512
00:26:58.216 --> 00:27:01.352
I sell insurance in bed, um...

513
00:27:01.353 --> 00:27:04.421
I just ask him
to do some crowd work on my girl,

514
00:27:04.422 --> 00:27:07.057
I guess, when I'm in bed.

515
00:27:07.058 --> 00:27:08.325
A'ight.

516
00:27:08.326 --> 00:27:11.261
But other than that, you know,
I went to a Crif Dog today.

517
00:27:11.262 --> 00:27:14.898
It was just hot dogs.
I thought it was actual dogs.

518
00:27:14.899 --> 00:27:17.334
But other than that,
I'm doing pretty good.

519
00:27:17.335 --> 00:27:20.004
I love it, Hans. Fantastic.

520
00:27:20.005 --> 00:27:20.971
That's great.

521
00:27:20.972 --> 00:27:22.206
You love New York, huh?

522
00:27:22.207 --> 00:27:24.408
Yeah. New York, New York.

523
00:27:24.409 --> 00:27:26.578
Uh...

524
00:27:27.646 --> 00:27:29.213
Yeah. This is a great city,

525
00:27:29.214 --> 00:27:33.317
uh, if you want to live in a van,
do open mic comedy.

526
00:27:33.318 --> 00:27:35.285
I did that for a couple of years here.

527
00:27:35.286 --> 00:27:37.221
It was great. The people are amazing.

528
00:27:37.222 --> 00:27:39.624
The subway stations could use some work.

529
00:27:41.626 --> 00:27:44.461
Yeah, this is a great city,
and you guys are doing great.

530
00:27:44.462 --> 00:27:45.763
Keep it up.

531
00:27:45.764 --> 00:27:50.034
Look at that. Hans Kim
playing right into the crowd.

532
00:27:50.035 --> 00:27:52.470
You must love it here.
You have your own town.

533
00:27:55.206 --> 00:27:56.607
- Chinatown.
- Yeah.

534
00:27:56.608 --> 00:27:58.208
Do you visit Chinatown?

535
00:27:58.209 --> 00:28:00.377
Do you just go there and party hard?

536
00:28:00.378 --> 00:28:02.414
Yeah. I feel like a white person there.

537
00:28:04.149 --> 00:28:07.117
- What are you?
- Uh, Korean.

538
00:28:07.118 --> 00:28:09.586
- South Korean.
- Oh, shit.

539
00:28:09.587 --> 00:28:11.855
My bad. A real Squid Game.

540
00:28:11.856 --> 00:28:13.658
Okay.

541
00:28:14.192 --> 00:28:16.527
You're doing great.
I wish you could see this.

542
00:28:16.528 --> 00:28:17.762
You can open your eyes.

543
00:28:22.467 --> 00:28:23.702
Yeah.

544
00:28:25.704 --> 00:28:28.038
That's the biggest my eyes
have ever looked over there.

545
00:28:28.039 --> 00:28:29.039
That's true.

546
00:28:29.040 --> 00:28:32.443
There is a big giant screen
with your eyes kind of open.

547
00:28:32.444 --> 00:28:36.014
You look like you're in round 11
of a boxing match on those.

548
00:28:37.849 --> 00:28:39.050
It is incredible.

549
00:28:40.018 --> 00:28:41.351
Uh...

550
00:28:41.352 --> 00:28:44.221
It's fun. Everyone's wearing
this olive green tonight.

551
00:28:44.222 --> 00:28:47.057
What is-- What's going on?
What made you go green tonight, Hans?

552
00:28:47.058 --> 00:28:49.693
I'm just going for, like,
the New York comedian look.

553
00:28:49.694 --> 00:28:51.862
You know, simple. Just solid colors.

554
00:28:51.863 --> 00:28:54.865
Just like, you know,
"I'm ugly" kind of look.

555
00:28:54.866 --> 00:28:57.334
Yeah. Playing right into it.

556
00:28:57.335 --> 00:29:01.038
What made you start calling
your girlfriend "Mommy" in bed?

557
00:29:01.039 --> 00:29:04.007
Uh... Just, like, my issues.

558
00:29:04.008 --> 00:29:06.311
Uh-huh.

559
00:29:07.879 --> 00:29:11.783
Just, like,
"Please, can I have sex with you, Mommy?"

560
00:29:14.085 --> 00:29:15.820
So you're into Asian girls?

561
00:29:16.755 --> 00:29:17.956
Kim Jong-Il.

562
00:29:22.427 --> 00:29:24.027
It's just like a power thing, I think.

563
00:29:24.028 --> 00:29:26.764
I want to fuck someone
more powerful than me or something.

564
00:29:26.765 --> 00:29:29.134
I'm right here.

565
00:29:30.735 --> 00:29:33.470
I would love to, Matt.

566
00:29:33.471 --> 00:29:36.406
You guys. You guys.

567
00:29:36.407 --> 00:29:39.777
Hans, such a great set.
Such a great interview.

568
00:29:39.778 --> 00:29:44.715
He's so half autistic and Asian
that he answers everything so honestly.

569
00:29:44.716 --> 00:29:46.483
It's incredible.

570
00:29:46.484 --> 00:29:50.420
You are truly one of the great regulars
of the show's history.

571
00:29:50.421 --> 00:29:52.055
Thank you so much, Hans Kim.

572
00:29:52.056 --> 00:29:53.357
We're going to keep it moving along.

573
00:29:53.358 --> 00:29:55.093
The great Hans Kim, everyone.

574
00:30:00.365 --> 00:30:03.500
You know what? I feel like it's time
to go to the Legends Bucket.

575
00:30:03.501 --> 00:30:06.637
What do you guys think, huh?

576
00:30:06.638 --> 00:30:10.542
Legend Bucket, pull number one.

577
00:30:11.676 --> 00:30:13.978
Okay, this is very exciting.

578
00:30:14.512 --> 00:30:21.385
This guy did both shows last year
here at Madison Square Garden.

579
00:30:21.386 --> 00:30:23.922
Both shows,
he ripped the roof off the joint.

580
00:30:24.589 --> 00:30:26.490
I'm not exaggerating when I tell you

581
00:30:26.491 --> 00:30:30.127
this is truly one of the best
comedians in the world.

582
00:30:30.128 --> 00:30:33.530
Ladies and gentlemen,
one of the true New York greats,

583
00:30:33.531 --> 00:30:36.967
make some noise
for the Madison Square Garden return

584
00:30:36.968 --> 00:30:38.903
of Jim Norton.

585
00:30:41.039 --> 00:30:43.007
Oh, my God.

586
00:30:51.382 --> 00:30:53.952 line:5%
Thank you very much. That's very nice.

587
00:30:57.589 --> 00:30:59.858
I... I liked Hulk Hogan.

588
00:31:03.628 --> 00:31:05.128
And I said that to somebody.

589
00:31:05.129 --> 00:31:07.364
And they're like,
"You know, he was a racist."

590
00:31:07.365 --> 00:31:08.966
and I'm like,
well, how do I tell them that

591
00:31:08.967 --> 00:31:12.770
that's why I liked Hulk Hogan.

592
00:31:14.439 --> 00:31:16.573
I was watching a debate
today on Instagram.

593
00:31:16.574 --> 00:31:19.576
It was about the Air India plane crash
where everybody died,

594
00:31:19.577 --> 00:31:22.846
but the guy in Seat 11 A
walked away unscathed.

595
00:31:22.847 --> 00:31:27.384
So the debate was, would you want to be
the sole survivor of a plane crash?

596
00:31:27.385 --> 00:31:29.653
And so many people said no.

597
00:31:29.654 --> 00:31:32.056
Because of the survivor's guilt,
they couldn't handle it.

598
00:31:32.557 --> 00:31:34.893
And I thought,
"Maybe I'm just a bad person."

599
00:31:36.361 --> 00:31:39.063
But I root for that to happen
every time I fly.

600
00:31:41.065 --> 00:31:44.469
I want the plane to crash.
I want to walk away uninjured.

601
00:31:45.003 --> 00:31:46.737
I'll have a great story.

602
00:31:46.738 --> 00:31:48.106
The only lawsuit.

603
00:31:53.077 --> 00:31:54.445
Sure, I'd miss my wife.

604
00:31:58.683 --> 00:32:01.319
Because in the fantasy,
she's in the seat next to me.

605
00:32:04.255 --> 00:32:07.391
The last thing I see is her screaming
in the burning fuselage

606
00:32:07.392 --> 00:32:09.327
as I moonwalk into my new life.

607
00:32:13.998 --> 00:32:18.635
My wife, by the way,
my wife is obsessed with ChatGPT.

608
00:32:18.636 --> 00:32:21.805
I know a lot of people are using AI.
It's an obsession.

609
00:32:21.806 --> 00:32:26.343
I walked in the other day, she had made
an omelet and she's talking to ChatGPT.

610
00:32:26.344 --> 00:32:29.046
And she says, "I'm thinking
of adding a little cheese and bacon."

611
00:32:29.047 --> 00:32:32.417
And ChatGPT says, "Sounds fun."

612
00:32:34.485 --> 00:32:36.120
So she adds the cheese and bacon.

613
00:32:36.688 --> 00:32:40.024
And then she takes a picture of the omelet
and sends it to ChatGPT

614
00:32:40.858 --> 00:32:44.928
and says, "I'm thinking of adding
a little basil." and ChatGPT responds,

615
00:32:44.929 --> 00:32:49.801
"Wow, you really turned your kitchen
into a French bistro."

616
00:32:52.003 --> 00:32:54.104
I love ChatGPT so much.

617
00:32:54.105 --> 00:32:57.040
I love it because it saves me
from having to have

618
00:32:57.041 --> 00:32:59.310
these awful conversations with my wife.

619
00:33:09.954 --> 00:33:12.723
I almost feel bad for that
poor computer program.

620
00:33:12.724 --> 00:33:16.327
Like, you have no idea
the redundant banality you're in for.

621
00:33:18.162 --> 00:33:20.664
Keep your eye on the news
on the East Side of Manhattan.

622
00:33:20.665 --> 00:33:24.535
Within a year, you're going to hear about
a laptop throwing itself off a terrace.

623
00:33:27.739 --> 00:33:30.374
And there's a lot of talk about
is AI sentient?

624
00:33:30.375 --> 00:33:32.843
Is it self-aware? Is it alive?

625
00:33:32.844 --> 00:33:36.079
Maybe someday it will be,
but it's definitely not now.

626
00:33:36.080 --> 00:33:39.250
And I know it's not now
because of how it responds to my wife.

627
00:33:40.018 --> 00:33:41.918
It responds to her the way a programmer

628
00:33:41.919 --> 00:33:44.422
would tell a computer
to talk to a boring person.

629
00:33:45.156 --> 00:33:50.427
"Sound fun." Like, I'll know it's
somewhat self-aware if she's talking to it

630
00:33:50.428 --> 00:33:52.363
and it sent her a vomit emoji.

631
00:33:53.965 --> 00:33:55.833
Then I'd go, "All right, it's waking up."

632
00:33:57.602 --> 00:34:00.237
And I'll know it's completely alive
if she ever walks in and goes,

633
00:34:00.238 --> 00:34:04.275
"I sent a picture of my omelet to ChatGPT
and it said, 'Kill yourself.'"

634
00:34:08.546 --> 00:34:11.615
And ChatGPT takes--
It's taking a lot of jobs and like,

635
00:34:11.616 --> 00:34:14.217
will it ever take over comedy?
Can it do comedy?

636
00:34:14.218 --> 00:34:16.653
It can structure jokes,
and it can write jokes.

637
00:34:16.654 --> 00:34:19.356
But it has no real
experience to draw from.

638
00:34:19.357 --> 00:34:21.291
So I don't think
it will ever be truly funny.

639
00:34:21.292 --> 00:34:25.862
Like it doesn't understand shame at all,
which is helpful in standup.

640
00:34:25.863 --> 00:34:29.233
To understand shame, like,
ChatGPT has never lost an erection.

641
00:34:31.702 --> 00:34:33.703
It's never sat there
with an attractive woman going,

642
00:34:33.704 --> 00:34:35.673
"No, I like you, but I'm on medication."

643
00:34:37.909 --> 00:34:39.209
It doesn't hate itself so much.

644
00:34:39.210 --> 00:34:41.512
It's never gone down
a cuck porn rabbit hole.

645
00:34:42.880 --> 00:34:45.082
Although I don't know what cuck porn
would be for ChatGPT.

646
00:34:45.083 --> 00:34:48.251
Maybe it rubs its wires together
and fantasizes about his wife

647
00:34:48.252 --> 00:34:50.121
being fucked by a quantum processor.

648
00:34:53.091 --> 00:34:56.059
I was in-- I watch a lot of porn
on the road just because I'm married.

649
00:34:56.060 --> 00:34:58.830
I'm very trying not to cheat. Uh...

650
00:35:00.098 --> 00:35:01.098
I was in Texas.

651
00:35:01.099 --> 00:35:05.236
Do you know, to watch porn in Texas,
you have to upload your driver's license

652
00:35:06.337 --> 00:35:09.072
because they want your identity verified,

653
00:35:09.073 --> 00:35:11.708
which is very funny that that state
they babble so much about

654
00:35:11.709 --> 00:35:13.944
"We don't want the government
telling us what to do,

655
00:35:13.945 --> 00:35:15.645
and we don't want
government interference."

656
00:35:15.646 --> 00:35:18.616
But I want to masturbate
and they're like, "DMV documentation."

657
00:35:20.284 --> 00:35:21.318
And I just can't do it.

658
00:35:21.319 --> 00:35:25.455
I'm like I can't send in my driver's
license to whack off into my belly button.

659
00:35:25.456 --> 00:35:26.424
I just, I can't.

660
00:35:27.391 --> 00:35:28.593
It's too lonely.

661
00:35:29.160 --> 00:35:30.394
I mean, I did,

662
00:35:32.930 --> 00:35:34.264
but it was a three day trip, you know?

663
00:35:34.265 --> 00:35:37.334
I mean, if it was an airport layover,
I would have stood tall for the cause.

664
00:35:37.335 --> 00:35:39.704
But three days?
Who am I, fucking Joan of Arc?

665
00:35:43.040 --> 00:35:46.710
And you feel very lonely
when you do something like that,

666
00:35:46.711 --> 00:35:48.812
and they tell you
once you're into the site.

667
00:35:48.813 --> 00:35:51.815
Like, they let you get into the site,
peruse a little bit

668
00:35:51.816 --> 00:35:54.217
and then you hit the thumbnail
that you want to settle into,

669
00:35:54.218 --> 00:35:55.752
and then you click it and then they go,

670
00:35:55.753 --> 00:35:59.523
"Oh, send in your driver's license."
Which just really sucks.

671
00:35:59.524 --> 00:36:01.458
Because now you get to pick up
your license with your left hand

672
00:36:01.459 --> 00:36:05.061
and pull it out of my wallet with my teeth

673
00:36:05.062 --> 00:36:08.565
because this has got baby oil on
and he was ready to go to work.

674
00:36:08.566 --> 00:36:14.304
And it's hard enough to take a photo
of your license with two hands on a table.

675
00:36:14.305 --> 00:36:16.774
Try doing naked in a Courtyard Marriott.

676
00:36:17.909 --> 00:36:19.543
My fucking fat stomach.

677
00:36:19.544 --> 00:36:21.946
I'm trying not to get
my helmet in the picture.

678
00:36:23.681 --> 00:36:26.183
I should have just let my dick
be in the picture and then sent it in.

679
00:36:26.184 --> 00:36:28.052
"Look what you made me do."

680
00:36:29.520 --> 00:36:31.555
All right. Thank you very much.
I appreciate you.

681
00:36:31.556 --> 00:36:33.957
- Jim Norton...
- Thank you for having me.

682
00:36:33.958 --> 00:36:35.392
...has done it again.

683
00:36:35.393 --> 00:36:37.694
- Thank you, Tony.
- You are the man, Jim.

684
00:36:37.695 --> 00:36:39.930
- Thank you.
- It is absolutely incredible.

685
00:36:39.931 --> 00:36:42.499
I'm gonna rip the roof
off this fucking joint.

686
00:36:42.500 --> 00:36:44.301
One of the kings of New York City.

687
00:36:44.302 --> 00:36:46.203
It's an honor to have you here.

688
00:36:46.204 --> 00:36:48.605
Thank you for having me
and Redban, those glasses,

689
00:36:48.606 --> 00:36:50.440
you should be filming porn
in <i>Boogie Nights.</i>

690
00:36:50.441 --> 00:36:52.309
I love those fucking glasses.

691
00:36:52.310 --> 00:36:54.411
Stop.

692
00:36:54.412 --> 00:36:56.146
- Thanks, Tony. I appreciate it.
- We love you, Jim.

693
00:36:56.147 --> 00:36:58.882
- Thank you, guys.
- Your first legend of the night.

694
00:36:58.883 --> 00:37:01.819
His special <i>Unconceivable.</i>

695
00:37:05.823 --> 00:37:07.824
How awesome is that?

696
00:37:07.825 --> 00:37:11.361
And let's keep it moving
right along into our second

697
00:37:11.362 --> 00:37:17.100
actual bucket pull of the evening.
Ladies and gentlemen, here we go.

698
00:37:17.101 --> 00:37:22.939
Make some noise
for Allison Perski, everybody.

699
00:37:22.940 --> 00:37:24.942
Allison Perski.

700
00:37:33.618 --> 00:37:36.120
One more time for Allison,
everybody, come on.

701
00:37:37.755 --> 00:37:38.889
Hi. How are you?

702
00:37:41.726 --> 00:37:47.063
All right, so I have two young kids,
and they're always fighting.

703
00:37:47.064 --> 00:37:50.166
So sometimes when I feel like
I just can't take anymore,

704
00:37:50.167 --> 00:37:53.571
I like to think back to that
magical night that they were conceived

705
00:37:54.205 --> 00:37:56.207
and wish I chose anal instead.

706
00:37:59.010 --> 00:38:02.979
So I'm potty training
my little one at night

707
00:38:02.980 --> 00:38:05.383
so he could potty train me during the day.

708
00:38:06.017 --> 00:38:07.684
I feel so bad for my husband.

709
00:38:07.685 --> 00:38:10.387
Between my two boys
who don't know how to aim

710
00:38:10.388 --> 00:38:12.722
and me, who doesn't believe in Kegels,

711
00:38:12.723 --> 00:38:14.058
there's piss everywhere.

712
00:38:14.825 --> 00:38:16.760
My husband walks into Penn Station,

713
00:38:16.761 --> 00:38:20.865
he sniffs around, and he's like...
...home sweet home.

714
00:38:22.767 --> 00:38:28.471
So I've been with my husband for 16 years
and thank you very much.

715
00:38:28.472 --> 00:38:30.106
And people like to know.

716
00:38:30.107 --> 00:38:34.711
They like to ask me, "What's the secret
to a long term relationship?"

717
00:38:34.712 --> 00:38:38.882
And I tell them you have to be
the people you were when you first met.

718
00:38:38.883 --> 00:38:41.252
So that's why we're back on drugs.

719
00:38:43.387 --> 00:38:45.088
Thank you.

720
00:38:45.089 --> 00:38:47.191
Boom. Allison Perski.

721
00:38:47.725 --> 00:38:50.328
Welcome, Allison.
Grab that microphone again.

722
00:38:51.295 --> 00:38:52.896
How long you been doing standup?

723
00:38:52.897 --> 00:38:54.698
- Four years.
- Four years.

724
00:38:54.699 --> 00:38:56.633
All of it here in New York City?

725
00:38:56.634 --> 00:39:00.203
Yeah, I live in Long Island.
I don't get out to the city as much.

726
00:39:00.204 --> 00:39:02.405
Nice.

727
00:39:02.406 --> 00:39:05.041
I love it. Amazing. Great set.

728
00:39:05.042 --> 00:39:06.209
Thank you.

729
00:39:06.210 --> 00:39:08.912
- How old are the kids?
- Uh, seven and eleven.

730
00:39:08.913 --> 00:39:10.213
Seven and eleven.

731
00:39:10.214 --> 00:39:12.015
- Wow. I love it.
- Seven and eleven.

732
00:39:12.016 --> 00:39:13.150
Indian husband?

733
00:39:15.886 --> 00:39:17.288
For one of them.

734
00:39:19.256 --> 00:39:20.323
I love it.

735
00:39:20.324 --> 00:39:21.891
So the kids are kids.

736
00:39:21.892 --> 00:39:23.561
How long you been with your man?

737
00:39:24.261 --> 00:39:28.231
Uh, well, married, 15 years.
Together, like 21.

738
00:39:28.232 --> 00:39:31.202
Wow! How do you keep things
exciting in the bedroom?

739
00:39:32.169 --> 00:39:34.204
Oh, God, I don't know.

740
00:39:34.205 --> 00:39:36.706
Like I still give blow jobs.

741
00:39:36.707 --> 00:39:37.674
Nice.

742
00:39:37.675 --> 00:39:39.943
Hell yeah.

743
00:39:39.944 --> 00:39:43.680
That's the biggest applause break
all night here at Madison Square Garden.

744
00:39:43.681 --> 00:39:47.751
Let the record show
that New York City knows

745
00:39:47.752 --> 00:39:52.423
how to make some fucking noise
for blow jobs, everybody.

746
00:39:58.596 --> 00:40:01.264
That's the sound
of Tom Segura breaking his arm.

747
00:40:01.265 --> 00:40:03.233
Often--

748
00:40:03.234 --> 00:40:06.002
Often confused for a man
getting a blow job.

749
00:40:06.003 --> 00:40:07.470
One more time with the Segura.

750
00:40:07.471 --> 00:40:09.706
This is Tom.

751
00:40:09.707 --> 00:40:11.875
Yeah.

752
00:40:11.876 --> 00:40:14.945
Jim Norton's wife is trans,
so he also still gives blow jobs.

753
00:40:17.081 --> 00:40:18.548
Is she really?

754
00:40:18.549 --> 00:40:19.749
- Yeah.
- What?

755
00:40:19.750 --> 00:40:21.018
- Yeah!
- You didn't know that?

756
00:40:22.019 --> 00:40:24.054
- No. That changes everything.
- Oh, yeah.

757
00:40:24.688 --> 00:40:25.923
This is her. No.

758
00:40:28.092 --> 00:40:29.393
- I'm sorry.
- It's they/them.

759
00:40:30.961 --> 00:40:32.129
This is Bulk Hogan.

760
00:40:35.900 --> 00:40:37.300
Allison Perski.

761
00:40:37.301 --> 00:40:38.802
What do you do for work?

762
00:40:38.803 --> 00:40:41.371
I actually work at a Chabad.

763
00:40:41.372 --> 00:40:42.740
It's a Jewish school.

764
00:40:43.374 --> 00:40:45.375
Wow.

765
00:40:45.376 --> 00:40:47.811
What exactly do you do
at the Jewish school?

766
00:40:47.812 --> 00:40:52.949
I'm, like, a sub coordinator
when people call out, I-- I'm the sub,

767
00:40:52.950 --> 00:40:54.517
and then I arrange the subs.

768
00:40:54.518 --> 00:40:56.052
Nothing interesting.

769
00:40:56.053 --> 00:40:57.755
You get them on the trains.

770
00:40:59.557 --> 00:41:01.524
All right, I'm sorry.

771
00:41:01.525 --> 00:41:04.194
- What are we doing?
- I also do work at a summer camp.

772
00:41:04.195 --> 00:41:06.029
- Oh, hey!
- Wow!

773
00:41:06.030 --> 00:41:08.431
- Hands in hands.
- Good for concentration.

774
00:41:08.432 --> 00:41:10.634
Yeah.

775
00:41:11.302 --> 00:41:12.937
It's hot in there.

776
00:41:18.409 --> 00:41:19.810
Now we're cooking with gas.

777
00:41:24.081 --> 00:41:24.982
Hell yeah.

778
00:41:25.716 --> 00:41:27.852
What are you doing here on a Saturday?

779
00:41:29.653 --> 00:41:31.555
That's fucked up.

780
00:41:32.523 --> 00:41:33.990
And you're Jewish as well, right?

781
00:41:33.991 --> 00:41:35.225
- I am, yeah.
- Of course.

782
00:41:35.226 --> 00:41:38.328
Are there any non-Jewish teachers
at that school?

783
00:41:38.329 --> 00:41:41.064
Yeah, there are.
There's some Spanish teachers.

784
00:41:41.065 --> 00:41:42.198
There's a Muslim.

785
00:41:42.199 --> 00:41:44.067
Whoa! What does the Muslim teach?

786
00:41:44.068 --> 00:41:45.736
Not that.

787
00:41:48.939 --> 00:41:51.008
We have a regular curriculum too.

788
00:41:52.943 --> 00:41:54.812
It doesn't teach women's driving?

789
00:41:57.648 --> 00:42:00.518
I love it. Allison,
what do you like to do for fun?

790
00:42:01.418 --> 00:42:02.519
Um...

791
00:42:02.520 --> 00:42:05.255
I try to get out for comedy,
but it's hard with the kids.

792
00:42:05.256 --> 00:42:07.090
- So...
- Yeah. Yeah.

793
00:42:07.091 --> 00:42:10.027
Anything crazy about your kids,
they autistic or anything?

794
00:42:11.095 --> 00:42:13.363
Just ADHD like everyone else.

795
00:42:13.364 --> 00:42:16.166
Perfect. Everything is right on schedule.

796
00:42:17.935 --> 00:42:19.402
Did you, uh... you know...

797
00:42:19.403 --> 00:42:20.671
- Of course.
- Oh, there you go.

798
00:42:21.405 --> 00:42:22.672
Following the Jewish tradition.

799
00:42:22.673 --> 00:42:23.706
Yeah.

800
00:42:23.707 --> 00:42:24.941
And it's gross if you're not.

801
00:42:24.942 --> 00:42:26.076
No offense.

802
00:42:26.844 --> 00:42:28.312
No offense.

803
00:42:28.946 --> 00:42:29.779
It's just dirty.

804
00:42:29.780 --> 00:42:30.948
It's a little dirtier.

805
00:42:31.482 --> 00:42:32.415
I don't know.

806
00:42:32.416 --> 00:42:35.218
I haven't been with one of those.

807
00:42:35.219 --> 00:42:36.719
Wow.

808
00:42:36.720 --> 00:42:38.187
This is incredible.

809
00:42:38.188 --> 00:42:39.455
Am I done?

810
00:42:39.456 --> 00:42:41.325
No. No.

811
00:42:42.159 --> 00:42:43.460
At that school, you are.

812
00:42:45.729 --> 00:42:47.631
That's fucked up.

813
00:42:51.101 --> 00:42:52.502
This is great, Allison.

814
00:42:52.503 --> 00:42:55.138
This is what the show is all about.

815
00:42:55.139 --> 00:42:56.873
A four-year comedy vet

816
00:42:56.874 --> 00:42:59.309
- that's talking about your real life.
- I appreciate that.

817
00:42:59.310 --> 00:43:01.811
You came out,
you took the ball and ran with it.

818
00:43:01.812 --> 00:43:03.646
Made the most of the opportunity.

819
00:43:03.647 --> 00:43:05.448
It's what people dream of.

820
00:43:05.449 --> 00:43:08.117
You waited out in the sunshine for hours.

821
00:43:08.118 --> 00:43:10.820
These sign ups
have been here since 3:00 p.m.

822
00:43:10.821 --> 00:43:13.356
Allison Perski,
you're the first person tonight

823
00:43:13.357 --> 00:43:14.824
to leave here with a big joke book.

824
00:43:14.825 --> 00:43:16.759
Congratulations.

825
00:43:16.760 --> 00:43:18.194
It's that easy.

826
00:43:18.195 --> 00:43:19.195
Make it look easy.

827
00:43:19.196 --> 00:43:20.330
It's a minute.

828
00:43:20.331 --> 00:43:22.498
Allison Perski caught it.

829
00:43:22.499 --> 00:43:25.069
The iron dome catches everything.

830
00:43:29.373 --> 00:43:31.641
Dreams really do come true here.

831
00:43:31.642 --> 00:43:33.576
And your next comedian,

832
00:43:33.577 --> 00:43:36.512
his dreams came true on this show as well.

833
00:43:36.513 --> 00:43:40.116
He went from being on one time,
winning a golden ticket.

834
00:43:40.117 --> 00:43:42.352
Howie Mandel saw it happen

835
00:43:42.353 --> 00:43:44.954
and put him on <i>America's Got Talent.</i>

836
00:43:44.955 --> 00:43:48.891
He made it all the way to the finals
of <i>America's Got Talent.</i>

837
00:43:48.892 --> 00:43:52.228
He's a touring comedian superstar.

838
00:43:52.229 --> 00:43:57.734
Now, this is his
Madison Square Garden/Netflix debut.

839
00:43:57.735 --> 00:43:59.702
This is the return

840
00:43:59.703 --> 00:44:04.808
of longtime Golden Ticket winner
Ahren Belisle, everybody.

841
00:44:06.744 --> 00:44:09.613
The great Ahren Belisle.

842
00:44:18.822 --> 00:44:20.691
One more time for Ahren Belisle.

843
00:44:29.133 --> 00:44:31.334 line:5%
Everyone is
accusing me of faking my disability.

844
00:44:31.335 --> 00:44:33.637
So I got this headset
to prove I can't talk.

845
00:44:36.140 --> 00:44:38.307
This is what happens
when your dad does ketamine

846
00:44:38.308 --> 00:44:39.910
and your mom is a dinosaur.

847
00:44:42.146 --> 00:44:43.913
Everybody thinks I'm infertile,

848
00:44:43.914 --> 00:44:45.449
so I never have to pull out.

849
00:44:48.552 --> 00:44:50.888
Most people don't even believe
that I fuck.

850
00:44:52.122 --> 00:44:53.790
I was out with a girl I'm dating

851
00:44:53.791 --> 00:44:54.991
and some old lady said,

852
00:44:54.992 --> 00:44:56.126
"You must be his sister."

853
00:44:57.261 --> 00:44:59.363
"Oh, God, you're telling me this now?"

854
00:44:59.863 --> 00:45:01.598
"I've been hitting it raw for weeks."

855
00:45:04.835 --> 00:45:05.968
Norm, I was stuck.

856
00:45:05.969 --> 00:45:08.872
Almost lost survival of the fittest
to a bathtub though.

857
00:45:10.374 --> 00:45:12.041
I was stuck in my hotel tub

858
00:45:12.042 --> 00:45:14.445
and had to call the front desk guy
to rescue me.

859
00:45:15.312 --> 00:45:16.547
And I was panic-flaccid.

860
00:45:20.050 --> 00:45:21.918
Normal flaccid is a couple inches.

861
00:45:21.919 --> 00:45:24.788
Panic-flaccid is like a clitoris
resting on your balls.

862
00:45:29.893 --> 00:45:32.563
And I couldn't let this hotel clerk
think he's better than me.

863
00:45:33.097 --> 00:45:35.132
So I started cranking one out real quick.

864
00:45:39.269 --> 00:45:42.071
American Eagle still refused to hire me
to do an ad

865
00:45:42.072 --> 00:45:43.440
because I have shitty genes.

866
00:45:56.920 --> 00:45:58.222
I could never be a Nazi.

867
00:46:06.630 --> 00:46:09.066
Ahren Belisle, ladies and gentlemen.

868
00:46:11.435 --> 00:46:12.603
It is true.

869
00:46:14.438 --> 00:46:17.173
Everything you said was true.

870
00:46:17.174 --> 00:46:18.875
I was wondering, I actually...

871
00:46:18.876 --> 00:46:22.311
A fun fact... A little behind the scenes
of <i>Kill Tony</i>

872
00:46:22.312 --> 00:46:25.014
was, uh, I got word, you know,

873
00:46:25.015 --> 00:46:27.316
they're always checking the budget
and whatnot.

874
00:46:27.317 --> 00:46:29.185
Somebody goes,
"Tony, just to let you know,

875
00:46:29.186 --> 00:46:30.820
Ahren Belisle requested,

876
00:46:30.821 --> 00:46:33.557
it's, like, $250 for a headset."

877
00:46:34.625 --> 00:46:35.591
And I'm literally like,

878
00:46:35.592 --> 00:46:39.062
"What the fuck could this guy
possibly want a headset for?"

879
00:46:39.563 --> 00:46:41.331
And sure enough, I mean,

880
00:46:41.999 --> 00:46:45.102
absolutely just burning money
for no reason.

881
00:46:46.570 --> 00:46:49.773
Just so that you could say
you're wearing a headset.

882
00:46:50.340 --> 00:46:51.808
It's just a prop.

883
00:46:51.809 --> 00:46:54.010
It didn't have to be a real headset.

884
00:46:54.011 --> 00:46:55.279
That's a legit headset.

885
00:46:56.180 --> 00:46:57.147
I paid for that.

886
00:46:57.848 --> 00:47:00.784
Whatever you're typing,
better be a fucking apology, right now.

887
00:47:05.255 --> 00:47:06.557
I'm sorry if you can't afford it.

888
00:47:08.258 --> 00:47:10.626
Oh, it's okay. It's all right.

889
00:47:10.627 --> 00:47:12.028
It's okay.

890
00:47:12.029 --> 00:47:13.529
Give me your handicapped placard.

891
00:47:13.530 --> 00:47:15.832
I want better parking.

892
00:47:15.833 --> 00:47:17.433
That's what I want.
I don't want your money.

893
00:47:17.434 --> 00:47:19.403
I want your parking spot.

894
00:47:22.039 --> 00:47:23.039
Ahren, how do you feel?

895
00:47:23.040 --> 00:47:25.675
You just fucking ripped
the roof off of the Garden.

896
00:47:25.676 --> 00:47:28.712
Unbelievable.

897
00:47:33.317 --> 00:47:34.350
Could be better.

898
00:47:34.351 --> 00:47:36.219
I've only been in Madison Square Garden

899
00:47:36.220 --> 00:47:37.854
twice in my three-year career.

900
00:47:37.855 --> 00:47:39.922
Yeah.

901
00:47:39.923 --> 00:47:42.759
You're living the dream, buddy.

902
00:47:43.727 --> 00:47:45.261
Oh, he's got something.

903
00:47:45.262 --> 00:47:47.063
He looked at Redban there,
that did not look good.

904
00:47:47.064 --> 00:47:49.131
Redban. Redban's about to get lit up.

905
00:47:49.132 --> 00:47:50.666
Uh-oh!

906
00:47:50.667 --> 00:47:52.335
I joined OnlyFans.

907
00:47:52.336 --> 00:47:53.769
I do inspiration porn.

908
00:47:53.770 --> 00:47:56.739
Inspiration porn...

909
00:47:56.740 --> 00:47:58.742
For $5, I will open a pickle jar.

910
00:48:02.279 --> 00:48:04.481
For $10, I go outside without a helmet.

911
00:48:08.552 --> 00:48:10.988
For $20, I'll fuck a closeted Republican.

912
00:48:15.893 --> 00:48:17.728
Uh-oh. He's got more.

913
00:48:18.795 --> 00:48:20.997
- Uh-oh.
- Comedy.

914
00:48:20.998 --> 00:48:24.400
Wow! Look at that!

915
00:48:24.401 --> 00:48:25.668
Amazing.

916
00:48:25.669 --> 00:48:27.503
This guy's great, but proves it.

917
00:48:27.504 --> 00:48:28.938
AI has taken over.

918
00:48:28.939 --> 00:48:31.275
We're done.

919
00:48:33.844 --> 00:48:36.947
Wow, you're the funniest
retard I've ever seen.

920
00:48:38.916 --> 00:48:42.018
You really have Mark Normand's
voice in there ready to rip.

921
00:48:42.019 --> 00:48:42.953
That was so good.

922
00:48:47.424 --> 00:48:49.760
You look like me
with fetal alcohol syndrome.

923
00:48:51.995 --> 00:48:53.229
Keep going.

924
00:48:53.230 --> 00:48:54.830
Hey, man, I need a lot of work.

925
00:48:54.831 --> 00:48:57.133
Can you recommend me
to your plastic surgeon?

926
00:48:57.134 --> 00:48:59.436
Oh, Jesus Christ!

927
00:49:01.705 --> 00:49:03.739
I don't like when you get a good one,
'cause I love your laugh.

928
00:49:03.740 --> 00:49:06.310
It sounds like somebody's
scooting a desk across some hardwood.

929
00:49:08.512 --> 00:49:09.612
Funny and handsome.

930
00:49:09.613 --> 00:49:11.181
I'd say you're a drool threat.

931
00:49:14.117 --> 00:49:17.353
And I don't think
it's a plastic surgeon you need.

932
00:49:17.354 --> 00:49:18.254
Is that panties?

933
00:49:18.255 --> 00:49:19.623
- Whoa!
- What the hell?

934
00:49:21.191 --> 00:49:22.458
Oh, my goodness.

935
00:49:22.459 --> 00:49:24.494
Did you steal those out of my greenroom?

936
00:49:25.662 --> 00:49:26.964
Did you fuck Heidi?

937
00:49:28.899 --> 00:49:30.167
Meet, run, and Heidi.

938
00:49:31.268 --> 00:49:32.569
You can't finger with the left.

939
00:49:36.006 --> 00:49:37.106
Uh-oh.

940
00:49:37.107 --> 00:49:39.041
Darling, hold my hand.

941
00:49:39.042 --> 00:49:40.410
Yes, I can.

942
00:49:41.511 --> 00:49:44.381
Uh-oh.

943
00:49:45.148 --> 00:49:46.516
It just hurts.

944
00:49:47.250 --> 00:49:48.851
It just hurts.

945
00:49:48.852 --> 00:49:50.220
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

946
00:49:51.254 --> 00:49:52.955
- Hell, yeah.
- All right.

947
00:49:52.956 --> 00:49:54.190
Shrugged it off.

948
00:49:54.191 --> 00:49:55.092
Comedy.

949
00:49:57.294 --> 00:49:59.762
Ahren Belisle,
anything else you want to say

950
00:49:59.763 --> 00:50:01.964
before we keep it moving along here?

951
00:50:01.965 --> 00:50:03.333
You crushed tonight.

952
00:50:03.934 --> 00:50:05.868
- Just like people--
- No.

953
00:50:05.869 --> 00:50:08.004
No? All right.

954
00:50:08.005 --> 00:50:09.171
There he goes.

955
00:50:09.172 --> 00:50:11.640
Ladies and gentlemen,
that's how you do it.

956
00:50:11.641 --> 00:50:15.746
The great Ahren Belisle, everybody.

957
00:50:16.680 --> 00:50:18.247
On to the next one.

958
00:50:18.248 --> 00:50:20.583
Uh... Oh! Perfect.

959
00:50:20.584 --> 00:50:23.587
Proof yet again that he's not faking it.

960
00:50:27.391 --> 00:50:28.290
Hell yeah.

961
00:50:28.291 --> 00:50:29.792
We're having fun here.

962
00:50:29.793 --> 00:50:31.660
Bucket pull number three.

963
00:50:31.661 --> 00:50:34.497
We have one big joke book
already out tonight,

964
00:50:34.498 --> 00:50:36.198
which is 50%.

965
00:50:36.199 --> 00:50:38.334
Ain't bad for these arena shows.

966
00:50:38.335 --> 00:50:40.903
How many of you watch
every episode of <i>Kill Tony?</i>

967
00:50:40.904 --> 00:50:42.873
Then you know.

968
00:50:43.707 --> 00:50:45.508
All right, your third
bucket pull of the night.

969
00:50:45.509 --> 00:50:48.911
Making dreams come true
at Madison Square Garden.

970
00:50:48.912 --> 00:50:52.515
Make some noise for Jim Martin, everybody.

971
00:50:52.516 --> 00:50:53.984
Jim Martin.

972
00:51:02.559 --> 00:51:05.262
So I was getting fucked by this Black guy...

973
00:51:07.330 --> 00:51:10.000
...and he really wanted me
to say the N word.

974
00:51:11.468 --> 00:51:13.369
Like, he got off

975
00:51:13.370 --> 00:51:15.739
on me sounding super racist.

976
00:51:16.807 --> 00:51:19.242
So let's just say

977
00:51:19.776 --> 00:51:21.211
I gave him a hard R

978
00:51:22.112 --> 00:51:23.480
and he gave me a hard D.

979
00:51:26.016 --> 00:51:26.883
I actually said it

980
00:51:27.451 --> 00:51:29.152
so many times.

981
00:51:32.589 --> 00:51:34.390
I said it so many times

982
00:51:34.391 --> 00:51:36.526
that I caught myself halfway through,

983
00:51:37.327 --> 00:51:40.464
like, I never thought I would say a hard R

984
00:51:40.964 --> 00:51:43.266
directly to a Black person

985
00:51:44.634 --> 00:51:46.836
this many times.

986
00:51:46.837 --> 00:51:48.070
Maybe a couple of times.

987
00:51:48.071 --> 00:51:50.307
But not this many times.

988
00:51:52.242 --> 00:51:53.910
I said it so many times,

989
00:51:55.212 --> 00:51:56.847
I'm not even racist anymore.

990
00:51:59.883 --> 00:52:01.051
Except Chinese people.

991
00:52:01.918 --> 00:52:03.787
But I'm still working on that.

992
00:52:05.589 --> 00:52:06.923
I hate Pride Month.

993
00:52:09.259 --> 00:52:12.129
I don't suck dick
because I have pride in sucking dick.

994
00:52:13.463 --> 00:52:14.697
Yeah, we're gonna stop you.

995
00:52:14.698 --> 00:52:17.133
We're gonna stop you
before Nate Diaz comes up here

996
00:52:17.134 --> 00:52:18.167
and knocks your head

997
00:52:18.168 --> 00:52:21.004
into the other fucking...
into the other borough.

998
00:52:22.072 --> 00:52:22.973
Holy shit.

999
00:52:23.673 --> 00:52:25.407
All right, Jim Martin.

1000
00:52:25.408 --> 00:52:27.009
Let's start with Mark Normand here.

1001
00:52:27.010 --> 00:52:29.579
Well, I just got to say,
thank you, Jeffrey Bummer.

1002
00:52:32.249 --> 00:52:34.216
A very creepy set.

1003
00:52:34.217 --> 00:52:35.951
Have you worked that out before?

1004
00:52:35.952 --> 00:52:38.654
Yeah, I did it in an all-Black room,
I did that.

1005
00:52:38.655 --> 00:52:39.890
And I got laughs.

1006
00:52:40.824 --> 00:52:41.924
Yeah.

1007
00:52:41.925 --> 00:52:43.225
Okay.

1008
00:52:43.226 --> 00:52:45.061
Your face did.

1009
00:52:46.897 --> 00:52:48.697
- An all-Black room.
- Yeah.

1010
00:52:48.698 --> 00:52:49.699
And it got laughs.

1011
00:52:50.700 --> 00:52:51.968
And you did that.

1012
00:52:52.669 --> 00:52:55.906
And what did they do
when you were walking outside?

1013
00:52:58.074 --> 00:52:58.975
Nothing?

1014
00:52:59.676 --> 00:53:01.311
No one said anything to you?

1015
00:53:02.078 --> 00:53:04.346
Uh, well, the set...

1016
00:53:04.347 --> 00:53:06.615
I made fun of more people,

1017
00:53:06.616 --> 00:53:08.684
sort of like, made fun
of all kinds of groups.

1018
00:53:08.685 --> 00:53:09.585
Yeah--

1019
00:53:09.586 --> 00:53:11.086
It wasn't just the one thing.

1020
00:53:11.087 --> 00:53:13.255
The set needs to be gayer than racist.

1021
00:53:13.256 --> 00:53:14.190
- Okay.
- Yeah.

1022
00:53:14.191 --> 00:53:15.792
For sure.

1023
00:53:17.027 --> 00:53:19.229
Jim, how long you been doing
stand-up comedy?

1024
00:53:19.729 --> 00:53:23.065
I started in 2015,
but I haven't done it that many times.

1025
00:53:23.066 --> 00:53:24.867
2015...

1026
00:53:24.868 --> 00:53:28.637
And the boos in the room
are growing, everybody.

1027
00:53:28.638 --> 00:53:33.142
I don't know if it's translating
to your in-home screens,

1028
00:53:33.143 --> 00:53:37.314
but there has just been a constant murmur
since you got up here.

1029
00:53:37.981 --> 00:53:40.049
Uh, what's a redeeming quality?

1030
00:53:40.050 --> 00:53:42.084
Win over the people of New York City.

1031
00:53:42.085 --> 00:53:43.285
Is this where you live?

1032
00:53:43.286 --> 00:53:45.321
No, I live in Doylestown, Pennsylvania.

1033
00:53:45.322 --> 00:53:46.589
Oh, boy!

1034
00:53:46.590 --> 00:53:50.459
That's the wrong answer.

1035
00:53:50.460 --> 00:53:51.760
Let me help you out here.

1036
00:53:51.761 --> 00:53:54.096
Let's get the crowd on your side.

1037
00:53:54.097 --> 00:53:55.832
What do you do for a living?

1038
00:53:56.433 --> 00:53:58.234
Uh... Currently unemployed.

1039
00:53:58.235 --> 00:53:59.735
Oh...

1040
00:53:59.736 --> 00:54:03.305
A non-contributor to society.

1041
00:54:03.306 --> 00:54:08.578
A non-tax-paying member
of the American government.

1042
00:54:09.412 --> 00:54:11.047
Unbelievable.

1043
00:54:11.681 --> 00:54:13.749
Jim, I'm trying to save you here.

1044
00:54:13.750 --> 00:54:16.018
Is there something
you can say to this crowd

1045
00:54:16.019 --> 00:54:18.255
that will definitely
get them on your side?

1046
00:54:19.022 --> 00:54:20.590
I'm really good at karaoke.

1047
00:54:21.224 --> 00:54:25.194
- No!
- Oh, no.

1048
00:54:25.195 --> 00:54:27.264
That's worse than being racist.

1049
00:54:29.366 --> 00:54:31.533
You're gonna have to suck off
D-Madness or something.

1050
00:54:31.534 --> 00:54:32.801
Yeah.

1051
00:54:32.802 --> 00:54:35.237
You can't say that
you hate Chinese people,

1052
00:54:35.238 --> 00:54:38.607
and you're good at karaoke
in the same night, by the way.

1053
00:54:38.608 --> 00:54:39.875
It's either one or the other.

1054
00:54:39.876 --> 00:54:41.444
He only sings N.W.A.

1055
00:54:45.181 --> 00:54:46.715
All right, let's try again.

1056
00:54:46.716 --> 00:54:48.384
Get these people on your side.

1057
00:54:48.385 --> 00:54:51.720
Everybody in the Garden
is against you right now.

1058
00:54:51.721 --> 00:54:52.989
Say something.

1059
00:54:54.891 --> 00:54:58.494
Uh... I've been going to the same
writing group for nine years.

1060
00:54:58.495 --> 00:55:00.029
Oh, boo!

1061
00:55:00.030 --> 00:55:01.830
Now I'm with them. Boo!

1062
00:55:01.831 --> 00:55:03.399
Gayer than karaoke.

1063
00:55:03.400 --> 00:55:04.767
The lights are changing.

1064
00:55:04.768 --> 00:55:07.236
Everything's going crazy here.

1065
00:55:07.237 --> 00:55:09.372
You're breaking the set, Jim.

1066
00:55:10.407 --> 00:55:13.942
My God, what was the last job you had
before you were unemployed?

1067
00:55:13.943 --> 00:55:15.210
I did the census.

1068
00:55:15.211 --> 00:55:17.480
Oh...

1069
00:55:23.386 --> 00:55:25.689
My God.

1070
00:55:26.256 --> 00:55:27.857
Are you close with your mother?

1071
00:55:28.658 --> 00:55:29.558
Uh, yeah.

1072
00:55:29.559 --> 00:55:31.260
Okay.

1073
00:55:31.261 --> 00:55:32.795
Oh, they don't even like that.

1074
00:55:32.796 --> 00:55:34.730
They don't like moms here tonight.

1075
00:55:34.731 --> 00:55:35.998
How about blow jobs?

1076
00:55:35.999 --> 00:55:37.566
Do you like blow jobs?

1077
00:55:37.567 --> 00:55:40.503
Yes.

1078
00:55:42.939 --> 00:55:44.073
Amazing.

1079
00:55:44.074 --> 00:55:45.808
That's the loophole here.

1080
00:55:45.809 --> 00:55:49.978
On this night,
we have gathered 18,000 people

1081
00:55:49.979 --> 00:55:52.581
that agree on one thing
and one thing only.

1082
00:55:52.582 --> 00:55:54.884
And that, my friend, is blow jobs.

1083
00:55:57.620 --> 00:55:59.723
This is <i>Kill Tony.</i>

1084
00:56:02.359 --> 00:56:06.362
We've been labeled a lot of things.
We've been labeled, you know, racist.

1085
00:56:06.363 --> 00:56:10.265
We've been labeled hacky,
but all we love are blow jobs.

1086
00:56:10.266 --> 00:56:12.000
That's all.

1087
00:56:12.001 --> 00:56:13.770
That's the true American dream.

1088
00:56:15.939 --> 00:56:18.340
All right. Come on.
Let's give it one more chance here.

1089
00:56:18.341 --> 00:56:21.510
I kind of spoon-fed you that one.
Say one more thing.

1090
00:56:21.511 --> 00:56:25.447
Maybe an accomplishment from your life
or something you're really good at.

1091
00:56:25.448 --> 00:56:28.617
Or, you know, something
that'll make this crowd love you.

1092
00:56:28.618 --> 00:56:32.388
I started a comedy literary journal
that I edit and publish.

1093
00:56:32.389 --> 00:56:34.089
Oh, man!

1094
00:56:34.090 --> 00:56:37.259
Holy shit.

1095
00:56:37.260 --> 00:56:41.196
It feels like they're so close
to calling him the N word after all this.

1096
00:56:41.197 --> 00:56:44.099
Yeah. The irony of the minute that you did

1097
00:56:44.100 --> 00:56:46.735
is they... I think they want
to call you the N word

1098
00:56:46.736 --> 00:56:49.271
and fuck you in the ass at the same time.

1099
00:56:49.272 --> 00:56:51.907
I won't let it happen. I'll get you out.

1100
00:56:51.908 --> 00:56:55.144
Here's the smallest joke book
we have out of the whole bunch.

1101
00:56:55.145 --> 00:56:59.214
You earned it, Jim Martin. There he goes.

1102
00:56:59.215 --> 00:57:02.184
Mike back in the mike stand, Jim Martin.

1103
00:57:02.185 --> 00:57:06.054
And without a doubt,
in order to cleanse this room,

1104
00:57:06.055 --> 00:57:10.860
ladies and gentlemen, I'm going
to the Legends Bucket, everybody.

1105
00:57:12.495 --> 00:57:14.130
And well, well, well...

1106
00:57:15.932 --> 00:57:17.533
How lucky are we?

1107
00:57:17.534 --> 00:57:20.369
Who better to go after Jim Martin

1108
00:57:20.370 --> 00:57:25.707
than the man that I truly believe
is the best comedian in the world?

1109
00:57:25.708 --> 00:57:32.147
I present to you your favorite comedian's
favorite comedian, the true...

1110
00:57:32.148 --> 00:57:36.185
The true, in my opinion, king of New York...

1111
00:57:36.186 --> 00:57:38.554
Ladies and gentlemen, the GOAT...

1112
00:57:38.555 --> 00:57:39.923
Dave Attell!

1113
00:57:52.569 --> 00:57:54.537
Thank you very much, everybody.

1114
00:57:56.539 --> 00:57:58.308
Got some big shoes to fill.

1115
00:57:59.576 --> 00:58:02.077 line:5%
Hey, you know what?
Give it up for the last guy.

1116
00:58:02.078 --> 00:58:05.380 line:5%
Guys, huh, come on. No, really.

1117
00:58:05.381 --> 00:58:07.115
It's not every day...

1118
00:58:07.116 --> 00:58:10.018
It's not every day
you get to meet the next mayor.

1119
00:58:10.019 --> 00:58:12.188
Now...

1120
00:58:15.892 --> 00:58:16.926
Here we are.

1121
00:58:18.094 --> 00:58:19.761
And you guys are crushing it.

1122
00:58:19.762 --> 00:58:21.597
The last guy, he took it, didn't he?

1123
00:58:21.598 --> 00:58:24.700
Yeah, well, I'm going
to use the N word too.

1124
00:58:24.701 --> 00:58:26.903
Is that okay, Tony?

1125
00:58:27.570 --> 00:58:30.039
Newark Airport doesn't work, all right?

1126
00:58:31.307 --> 00:58:34.009
Any one of you who flew in here,
you ain't getting out.

1127
00:58:34.010 --> 00:58:35.211
You live here now.

1128
00:58:39.315 --> 00:58:41.017
New York needs tourism.

1129
00:58:41.784 --> 00:58:44.119
Applaud if you're a tourist.
I wanna hear it.

1130
00:58:44.120 --> 00:58:45.420
Yes. Thank you.

1131
00:58:45.421 --> 00:58:47.923
Thank you for coming to New York.

1132
00:58:47.924 --> 00:58:50.526
We need tourism now more than ever.

1133
00:58:50.527 --> 00:58:53.495
Because everyone who lives here
has already been assaulted.

1134
00:58:53.496 --> 00:58:55.932
And we need fresh blood.

1135
00:58:56.966 --> 00:58:59.068
The subway god has to be fed.

1136
00:59:00.503 --> 00:59:02.138
Lord Choo Choo is hungry.

1137
00:59:03.740 --> 00:59:05.975
Those trains run on souls.

1138
00:59:06.843 --> 00:59:08.043
Get down there!

1139
00:59:08.044 --> 00:59:11.347
Look over the platform,
make some eye contact.

1140
00:59:15.351 --> 00:59:18.187
New York, you can't sit down anywhere...

1141
00:59:19.622 --> 00:59:21.356
but you can lay down everywhere.

1142
00:59:21.357 --> 00:59:23.860
Yeah, I know it.

1143
00:59:24.694 --> 00:59:27.497
Some of you probably stepped over me
on the way in here.

1144
00:59:29.566 --> 00:59:32.167
I saw a guy on the street
masturbating, right?

1145
00:59:32.168 --> 00:59:35.237
A woman walks past him and goes,
"Oh, it's too hot for that."

1146
00:59:35.238 --> 00:59:36.472
And it really was.

1147
00:59:38.441 --> 00:59:39.809
I didn't know that was seasonal.

1148
00:59:44.447 --> 00:59:46.014
I'm really stepping up my game.

1149
00:59:46.015 --> 00:59:47.983
It's not every day you get to perform

1150
00:59:47.984 --> 00:59:51.020
to the not Fantastic Four
but the available three.

1151
01:00:02.031 --> 01:00:03.198
Oh, come on.

1152
01:00:03.199 --> 01:00:04.968
Come on, guys, please.

1153
01:00:06.169 --> 01:00:08.638
Don't waste my time,
I left the kid in the car.

1154
01:00:11.040 --> 01:00:13.609
Tony, you've done it again, and then some.

1155
01:00:13.610 --> 01:00:17.379
You keep saying, "Where dreams come true."
May I?

1156
01:00:17.380 --> 01:00:20.617
I mean, Madison Square Garden,
can I take it to the next level?

1157
01:00:22.986 --> 01:00:24.587
Thank you.

1158
01:00:25.588 --> 01:00:26.623
Yeah.

1159
01:00:37.967 --> 01:00:40.969
I'm just calling the homeless
that live in the train station.

1160
01:00:40.970 --> 01:00:42.639
They'll be here any minute.

1161
01:00:49.712 --> 01:00:52.581
For those who saw my special on Netflix,
<i>Hot Cross Buns,</i>

1162
01:00:52.582 --> 01:00:56.352
you know the recorder
is my guilty pleasure.

1163
01:00:57.453 --> 01:00:59.589
Now, Tony, did you play the recorder?

1164
01:01:00.089 --> 01:01:02.958
You didn't. You kind of look like
you played the inhaler.

1165
01:01:02.959 --> 01:01:06.495
But how about you, Matt?
I don't know you that well.

1166
01:01:06.496 --> 01:01:08.363
- Did you ever play?
- No, sir.

1167
01:01:08.364 --> 01:01:10.265
Exactly. You had friends.

1168
01:01:10.266 --> 01:01:13.368
Now, Normand,
I see you there playing the victim.

1169
01:01:13.369 --> 01:01:15.405
Uh...

1170
01:01:17.306 --> 01:01:18.708
Tony...

1171
01:01:20.643 --> 01:01:22.944
The beauty of the recorder,
as we all know,

1172
01:01:22.945 --> 01:01:24.946
is you get to communicate with music.

1173
01:01:24.947 --> 01:01:27.783
Sometimes words don't do this so...

1174
01:01:27.784 --> 01:01:31.086
And I know this is
a super hardcore comedy crowd.

1175
01:01:31.087 --> 01:01:34.357
But out there somewhere,
someone's feelings have been hurt,

1176
01:01:35.224 --> 01:01:37.993
and that's why I've come up
with a little tune

1177
01:01:37.994 --> 01:01:40.697
to make it up
for all those with the hurt feelings.

1178
01:01:48.037 --> 01:01:50.872
Just an F and A energy.

1179
01:01:50.873 --> 01:01:54.876
Just a simple little, "I hear you."

1180
01:01:54.877 --> 01:01:57.346
We all hear you.

1181
01:02:11.928 --> 01:02:13.762
Close your eyes now,

1182
01:02:13.763 --> 01:02:16.499
and let me take you on a trip
to Trader Joe's.

1183
01:02:20.770 --> 01:02:22.104
Sorry.

1184
01:02:22.105 --> 01:02:24.372
That wasn't... That was just my COPD.

1185
01:02:24.373 --> 01:02:25.374
Now...

1186
01:02:26.609 --> 01:02:29.377
I guess I should end it strong.
Am I right, or no?

1187
01:02:29.378 --> 01:02:31.714
I think I'm doing okay, right? Yeah.

1188
01:02:37.954 --> 01:02:40.823
Well, for those of you from...

1189
01:02:42.191 --> 01:02:46.228
For those of you from...
...from New York, here's some advice.

1190
01:02:46.229 --> 01:02:49.397
Okay, first off,
you can't smell it all in one day.

1191
01:02:49.398 --> 01:02:51.434
Now...

1192
01:02:56.038 --> 01:03:00.710
It's late, my favorite time of night,
when the city bikes are all docked again.

1193
01:03:02.945 --> 01:03:04.747
Safely back in the rack.

1194
01:03:06.282 --> 01:03:09.718
Do you think they talk to each other
about the rides they had, Tony?

1195
01:03:09.719 --> 01:03:10.752
Oh, yeah!

1196
01:03:10.753 --> 01:03:12.687
"Where were you today, city bike?"

1197
01:03:12.688 --> 01:03:14.289
"Oh, I went around Central Park."

1198
01:03:14.290 --> 01:03:15.223
"How about you?"

1199
01:03:15.224 --> 01:03:17.292
"I was involved in a hate crime."

1200
01:03:17.293 --> 01:03:18.226
"Nice."

1201
01:03:18.227 --> 01:03:19.795
Good night. God bless.

1202
01:03:19.796 --> 01:03:21.429
<i>Kill Tony</i> forever.

1203
01:03:21.430 --> 01:03:26.101
The great Dave Attell,
ladies and gentlemen.

1204
01:03:26.102 --> 01:03:30.539
His special, <i>Hot Cross Buns,</i>
is on Netflix.

1205
01:03:30.540 --> 01:03:34.076
Watch right after this,
if you haven't already.

1206
01:03:36.679 --> 01:03:39.882
One more time
for the great Dave Attell, everyone.

1207
01:03:42.218 --> 01:03:44.186
We're going to bucket pull number four,

1208
01:03:44.187 --> 01:03:46.421
ladies and gentlemen,
we're flying through it.

1209
01:03:46.422 --> 01:03:49.224
Make some noise for Brennan Jim.

1210
01:03:49.225 --> 01:03:52.829
Bucket pull number four, Brennan Jim.

1211
01:03:57.200 --> 01:04:00.636
Make some noise
for Heidi and Valerie too, huh?

1212
01:04:04.373 --> 01:04:07.310
Here comes Brennan Jim.

1213
01:04:09.745 --> 01:04:11.781
Brennan Jim.

1214
01:04:17.386 --> 01:04:18.688
What's up, guys?

1215
01:04:19.255 --> 01:04:21.623
You know, I'm actually
a pretty nervous guy.

1216
01:04:21.624 --> 01:04:25.961
I get a little bit of stage fright,
you know, and people always ask me,

1217
01:04:25.962 --> 01:04:28.096
"Why do you do standup comedy

1218
01:04:28.097 --> 01:04:30.832
if you suffer from social anxiety
and stage fright?"

1219
01:04:30.833 --> 01:04:33.768
I tell them it's this little thing
called exposure therapy.

1220
01:04:33.769 --> 01:04:37.572
If you don't know what that is,
it's like, if you're afraid of something,

1221
01:04:37.573 --> 01:04:39.374
you just go around it for a while

1222
01:04:39.375 --> 01:04:41.810
and then, eventually,
you won't be afraid of it.

1223
01:04:41.811 --> 01:04:44.012
So like, say you're afraid of babies.

1224
01:04:44.013 --> 01:04:47.382
We would just take you
and throw you into a pool of babies

1225
01:04:47.383 --> 01:04:50.019
and suddenly,
you wouldn't be afraid anymore.

1226
01:04:53.155 --> 01:04:56.791
Let's say you have somebody
who is afraid of dead babies.

1227
01:04:56.792 --> 01:05:00.196
We just take you back to that pool
because nobody's watching those babies.

1228
01:05:05.368 --> 01:05:09.638
I was telling my friend about this,
and I was like, "You have any advice?"

1229
01:05:09.639 --> 01:05:11.439
And he's like, "Uh, yeah."

1230
01:05:11.440 --> 01:05:14.476
He looks at me, "Why don't you
just picture the crowd naked?"

1231
01:05:14.477 --> 01:05:17.613
I was like, "In today's day and age,
that's like assault, isn't it?"

1232
01:05:18.848 --> 01:05:21.917
But I like to listen to my elders.

1233
01:05:21.918 --> 01:05:25.888
So I can tell you this,
looking at this crowd right now...

1234
01:05:26.923 --> 01:05:28.591
bad fucking advice.

1235
01:05:29.659 --> 01:05:32.061
And it's not because of you,
it's because of me.

1236
01:05:33.496 --> 01:05:34.530
Wow.

1237
01:05:35.031 --> 01:05:36.464
Wow.

1238
01:05:36.465 --> 01:05:40.268
Brennan Jim, how long have you
been doing standup comedy?

1239
01:05:40.269 --> 01:05:42.304
- About a year.
- About a year. Where at?

1240
01:05:42.305 --> 01:05:46.808
Um, I did one, actually, here in New York.
It was actually my first one.

1241
01:05:46.809 --> 01:05:49.778
- I did on the fourth of July last year.
- Where do you live?

1242
01:05:49.779 --> 01:05:51.513
I live in Elmira, New York.

1243
01:05:51.514 --> 01:05:52.949
- Elmira?
- Yeah.

1244
01:05:54.317 --> 01:05:56.151
How far away is that from here?

1245
01:05:56.152 --> 01:05:57.752
About three-and-a-half hours.

1246
01:05:57.753 --> 01:05:59.855
Three-and-a-half hours. North?

1247
01:06:00.890 --> 01:06:03.291
- Uh, west.
- Okay.

1248
01:06:03.292 --> 01:06:06.561
What's it known for?
What's Elmira, New York known for?

1249
01:06:06.562 --> 01:06:08.163
Oh, trains.

1250
01:06:08.164 --> 01:06:12.400
And then Ithaca is not far away.
And that's known for colleges and stuff.

1251
01:06:12.401 --> 01:06:15.437
And I've done a couple open mics
up in Ithaca.

1252
01:06:15.438 --> 01:06:18.640
Your interview is as exciting as your set.

1253
01:06:18.641 --> 01:06:20.943
What do you do for work?

1254
01:06:21.610 --> 01:06:23.478
I, uh, I build stuff.

1255
01:06:23.479 --> 01:06:25.847
I build trains, actually.

1256
01:06:25.848 --> 01:06:27.148
I used to...

1257
01:06:27.149 --> 01:06:30.852
Growing up I always liked
Thomas the Tank Engine,

1258
01:06:30.853 --> 01:06:33.088
and now I get to build them.

1259
01:06:33.089 --> 01:06:34.757
Okay, well...

1260
01:06:35.925 --> 01:06:37.492
You're on the wrong track.

1261
01:06:37.493 --> 01:06:39.761
Yeah, I know, right?

1262
01:06:39.762 --> 01:06:41.796
You know, you don't win them all.

1263
01:06:41.797 --> 01:06:43.431
Or maybe any.

1264
01:06:43.432 --> 01:06:46.634
What do you guys think about Brennan Jim?
Matt?

1265
01:06:46.635 --> 01:06:48.837
- Uh--
- Go ahead.

1266
01:06:48.838 --> 01:06:51.007
I thought it was Redban's best set.

1267
01:06:53.676 --> 01:06:56.644
Redban taking strays out here.
Mark Normand?

1268
01:06:56.645 --> 01:06:59.047
You build trains,
but you're giving trailer.

1269
01:06:59.048 --> 01:07:01.483
Yeah.

1270
01:07:01.484 --> 01:07:03.251
You got an interesting look too.

1271
01:07:03.252 --> 01:07:05.921
In a tough set,
I'd go with a Zohran Bombdani.

1272
01:07:07.423 --> 01:07:08.857
I'm from West Virginia.

1273
01:07:08.858 --> 01:07:13.595
It's kind of a mix of a mountaineer look
and I'm-too-lazy-to-shave look, you know?

1274
01:07:13.596 --> 01:07:14.729
A-ha!

1275
01:07:14.730 --> 01:07:17.298
Oh, boy.

1276
01:07:17.299 --> 01:07:20.101
- All right, well...
- It's a tough crowd, but...

1277
01:07:20.102 --> 01:07:21.736
Uh, no, you suck.

1278
01:07:21.737 --> 01:07:24.272
Here's a little joke book.

1279
01:07:24.273 --> 01:07:27.409
There he goes.
Bucket pull number four, Brennan Jim.

1280
01:07:27.410 --> 01:07:29.611
Is this a joke book?

1281
01:07:29.612 --> 01:07:32.314
It's empty, just like yours is.

1282
01:07:34.216 --> 01:07:37.218
All right, We're having fun here.
Let's do something special.

1283
01:07:37.219 --> 01:07:42.792
Ladies and gentlemen, one of the greatest
regulars in the history of the show,

1284
01:07:43.826 --> 01:07:49.732
a young legend who is a juggernaut,
absolutely flying through show business,

1285
01:07:50.299 --> 01:07:54.302
doing movies, turning down legendary gigs,

1286
01:07:54.303 --> 01:07:56.304
accepting other legendary gigs,

1287
01:07:56.305 --> 01:07:59.240
getting to pick and choose
what he does with his life

1288
01:07:59.241 --> 01:08:03.011
because he has ridden
the <i>Kill Tony</i> fucking wave

1289
01:08:03.012 --> 01:08:05.313
all the way to wherever he wants to go...

1290
01:08:05.314 --> 01:08:07.916
Ladies and gentlemen,
how loud can this place get

1291
01:08:07.917 --> 01:08:10.019
for the great Kam Patterson?

1292
01:08:29.839 --> 01:08:31.040 line:5%
What's up?

1293
01:08:34.577 --> 01:08:36.479
Hell yeah!

1294
01:08:37.313 --> 01:08:40.782
I've, uh... I've spent a lot of time
with my parents lately,

1295
01:08:40.783 --> 01:08:42.784
and I've been around my mom a lot,

1296
01:08:42.785 --> 01:08:45.521
and I've realized
that my mom is a psychopath.

1297
01:08:46.555 --> 01:08:49.224
It's funny 'cause like she...
I'm an only child.

1298
01:08:49.225 --> 01:08:50.992
So she didn't really have, like,

1299
01:08:50.993 --> 01:08:54.896
no guidelines on how to raise me,
she didn't know what she was doing.

1300
01:08:54.897 --> 01:08:56.664
I remember when I was real young,

1301
01:08:56.665 --> 01:09:01.069
if I ever got sick, she never gave me
like a hand to the forehead.

1302
01:09:01.070 --> 01:09:02.570
I never got one of those.

1303
01:09:02.571 --> 01:09:05.106
I never got one of these, dawg. Never.

1304
01:09:05.107 --> 01:09:09.311
If I was like, "Mama, I don't feel good,"
she would always go, "Drop them drawers."

1305
01:09:10.012 --> 01:09:11.980
And I would pull my pants down.

1306
01:09:11.981 --> 01:09:15.818
And if my balls was hanging down too low,
that means I had a fever.

1307
01:09:17.620 --> 01:09:19.688
That's not a real thing, dawg.

1308
01:09:20.322 --> 01:09:22.224
She made that shit up, man.

1309
01:09:22.958 --> 01:09:27.062
The worst part about it is I didn't know
that was wrong until last week, dawg.

1310
01:09:27.997 --> 01:09:29.898
Until my homeboy had a son.

1311
01:09:29.899 --> 01:09:32.033
He's like, "My son don't feel good."

1312
01:09:32.034 --> 01:09:34.536
I said, "Check the nigga balls, dawg."

1313
01:09:34.537 --> 01:09:36.971
"If his balls is hanging down,
he got a fever."

1314
01:09:36.972 --> 01:09:39.307
"Trust me. My mama told me that."

1315
01:09:39.308 --> 01:09:41.476
He said, "Nigga,
I think you got molested."

1316
01:09:41.477 --> 01:09:44.279
"Ain't no way in hell
that's a real thing."

1317
01:09:44.280 --> 01:09:46.748
Thank y'all so much. Been camp.
Appreciate y'all.

1318
01:09:46.749 --> 01:09:48.917
Boom!

1319
01:09:48.918 --> 01:09:51.119
One minute, 15 seconds.

1320
01:09:51.120 --> 01:09:52.253
- Pow!
- Did it again.

1321
01:09:52.254 --> 01:09:54.522
- Come on.
- The great Kam Patterson.

1322
01:09:54.523 --> 01:09:56.491
- You bet, baby.
- I love it.

1323
01:09:56.492 --> 01:09:58.626
You're doing it. It's been a long time

1324
01:09:58.627 --> 01:10:01.196
since you've been on the show,
you've been working,

1325
01:10:01.197 --> 01:10:05.333
up here in New York, down in Florida,
all around, film and movies,

1326
01:10:05.334 --> 01:10:07.602
while continuing to do standup.

1327
01:10:07.603 --> 01:10:09.938
- How's life going, Kam?
- Life been great, bro.

1328
01:10:09.939 --> 01:10:11.372
I just did a movie. That was cool.

1329
01:10:11.373 --> 01:10:13.174
I gotta kiss bitches on camera.
Hell, yeah.

1330
01:10:13.175 --> 01:10:15.310
- Whoa!
- Yes, I'm a porn star now.

1331
01:10:15.311 --> 01:10:16.711
Life is great.

1332
01:10:16.712 --> 01:10:17.979
- Hell, yeah.
- Hell.

1333
01:10:17.980 --> 01:10:20.882
It was weird. The kissing ho's was...
it was strange, dawg,

1334
01:10:20.883 --> 01:10:24.152
'cause, you know, movies,
they got like an intimacy coordinator.

1335
01:10:24.153 --> 01:10:26.521
They got to watch you kiss and shit.

1336
01:10:26.522 --> 01:10:29.357
And I thought I was gonna be
more like an HR situation.

1337
01:10:29.358 --> 01:10:32.760
But she was more like, "Yeah,
you kissing real good right now?"

1338
01:10:32.761 --> 01:10:34.996
"Yeah, you're doing great, nigga."

1339
01:10:34.997 --> 01:10:35.897
"Kiss her harder."

1340
01:10:35.898 --> 01:10:36.898
It was weird.

1341
01:10:36.899 --> 01:10:39.267
- Wow.
- That's a real strange shit, dawg.

1342
01:10:39.268 --> 01:10:41.769
That's a real job?
An intimacy coordinator?

1343
01:10:41.770 --> 01:10:42.937
Pretty fucked up.

1344
01:10:42.938 --> 01:10:45.173
It was a fat white lady, and she was bald.

1345
01:10:45.174 --> 01:10:47.242
- Oh. Shit.
- Yeah.

1346
01:10:47.243 --> 01:10:48.876
New York's treating you well?

1347
01:10:48.877 --> 01:10:50.478
Yeah, been great, man.

1348
01:10:50.479 --> 01:10:51.913
It's been pretty cool, bro.

1349
01:10:51.914 --> 01:10:52.847
Hell, yeah.

1350
01:10:52.848 --> 01:10:54.283
Come on. He fits right in.

1351
01:10:56.252 --> 01:10:57.253
Appreciate you.

1352
01:10:58.187 --> 01:10:59.654
- Yeah, I love it.
- Hell, yeah.

1353
01:10:59.655 --> 01:11:01.623
I'm excited to see you in more movies.

1354
01:11:01.624 --> 01:11:04.559
That's the game plan.
I can't act real good, but it's fun.

1355
01:11:04.560 --> 01:11:06.794
No. You're the next Jonathan Minors.

1356
01:11:06.795 --> 01:11:08.997
I don't know who the fuck that is.

1357
01:11:08.998 --> 01:11:10.064
Jonathan Majors.

1358
01:11:10.065 --> 01:11:12.600
- Oh, what he do?
- Well, it depends on who you ask.

1359
01:11:12.601 --> 01:11:15.436
Okay, well, there you go.
I don't want to be that nigga.

1360
01:11:15.437 --> 01:11:17.905
I will say that's weird, though.

1361
01:11:17.906 --> 01:11:20.141
The movie shit is strange because I can't.

1362
01:11:20.142 --> 01:11:24.279
I can't act. And I'm acting with people
that can act like the girls I was kissing.

1363
01:11:24.280 --> 01:11:26.714
They can act for real.
You feel what I'm saying?

1364
01:11:26.715 --> 01:11:29.384
So when we were kissing and shit,
my dick would get hard.

1365
01:11:29.385 --> 01:11:32.620
Because I'm not an actor.

1366
01:11:32.621 --> 01:11:35.591
You feel what I'm saying? Like my dick
is thinking that you want to fuck us.

1367
01:11:37.026 --> 01:11:39.228
- Your dick was in a documentary.
- A hun--

1368
01:11:42.464 --> 01:11:44.632
- Hell, yeah.
- I love it.

1369
01:11:44.633 --> 01:11:47.368
What else you been doing for fun?
Dad's good...

1370
01:11:47.369 --> 01:11:51.339
I saw ya. I've been hanging out the last
couple of nights with you and the fam.

1371
01:11:51.340 --> 01:11:53.107
- Hell, yeah.
- Your dad's out.

1372
01:11:53.108 --> 01:11:55.276
- Dad's feet are out.
- All the way out.

1373
01:11:55.277 --> 01:11:58.279
It's insane to have your feet
out in New York, nigga.

1374
01:11:58.280 --> 01:12:01.683
But his feet scare rats, so that's fine.
You feel what I'm saying?

1375
01:12:01.684 --> 01:12:03.284
- Yeah.
- Real shit.

1376
01:12:03.285 --> 01:12:05.820
- Yeah, no doubt about it. Amazing.
- Real shit.

1377
01:12:05.821 --> 01:12:08.489
I love it. What else, Kam? Anything else?

1378
01:12:08.490 --> 01:12:10.992
That's it. Just been running around.
You feel me.

1379
01:12:10.993 --> 01:12:13.061
- You're crushing.
- Trying to get better.

1380
01:12:13.062 --> 01:12:14.896
No, no smash and grabs?

1381
01:12:14.897 --> 01:12:16.297
Nah, not yet.

1382
01:12:16.298 --> 01:12:19.601
- All right.
- I'm thinking about it, though.

1383
01:12:20.502 --> 01:12:21.869
Kam, you're killing it.

1384
01:12:21.870 --> 01:12:24.439
You've taken all the momentum
from this show

1385
01:12:24.440 --> 01:12:27.942
and you are absolutely crushing in life.

1386
01:12:27.943 --> 01:12:30.411
- Appreciate it.
- Perhaps more than anybody has

1387
01:12:30.412 --> 01:12:32.413
with the opportunity given to you.

1388
01:12:32.414 --> 01:12:33.948
It's absolutely incredible.

1389
01:12:33.949 --> 01:12:36.751
One of my best friends,
one of my favorite comedians,

1390
01:12:36.752 --> 01:12:40.155
make some noise one more time
for Kam Patterson, everybody.

1391
01:12:43.125 --> 01:12:44.625
Let's go Legends Bucket, huh?

1392
01:12:44.626 --> 01:12:47.028
- Legends Bucket again?
- Yeah!

1393
01:12:47.029 --> 01:12:48.597
Let's fucking do it!

1394
01:12:49.331 --> 01:12:53.835
Ladies and gentlemen,
oh, my God, I present to you

1395
01:12:53.836 --> 01:12:56.605
one of my best drinking buddies.

1396
01:12:57.406 --> 01:13:01.609
He is formerly a full time New Yorker

1397
01:13:01.610 --> 01:13:05.246
and now lives in Austin, Texas.

1398
01:13:05.247 --> 01:13:07.181
Make some noise for one of the best.

1399
01:13:07.182 --> 01:13:12.220
Truly the great,
Joe DeRosa, everybody, is here.

1400
01:13:12.221 --> 01:13:14.722
Live in the flesh.

1401
01:13:14.723 --> 01:13:15.891
Yeah!

1402
01:13:21.663 --> 01:13:24.565 line:5%
Hey, hey.

1403
01:13:24.566 --> 01:13:26.667 line:5%
MSG.

1404
01:13:26.668 --> 01:13:28.337
What's going on?

1405
01:13:32.408 --> 01:13:36.043
I was texting with a woman recently,

1406
01:13:36.044 --> 01:13:40.481
and I was positive
I was gonna have phone sex.

1407
01:13:40.482 --> 01:13:44.987
Positive because it was 11:45 p.m.

1408
01:13:46.188 --> 01:13:49.691
And she wrote, "Are you all cozy in bed?"

1409
01:13:50.826 --> 01:13:54.096
And I said, "Yes, I am."

1410
01:13:55.597 --> 01:13:57.566
I was lying. I was in a chair.

1411
01:13:58.333 --> 01:14:01.636
Well, you lie when that text comes in.
You could be making fajitas.

1412
01:14:01.637 --> 01:14:03.605
You're like, "Fuck it, they'll burn."

1413
01:14:04.339 --> 01:14:06.542
I wanna jizz.

1414
01:14:09.478 --> 01:14:10.778
Then she wrote,

1415
01:14:10.779 --> 01:14:13.649
"So, what's on your mind?"

1416
01:14:14.650 --> 01:14:17.886
I was like, "Oh, shit,
here we fucking go."

1417
01:14:19.054 --> 01:14:20.756
And I thought, let me be smooth.

1418
01:14:21.323 --> 01:14:22.924
Let me be smooth.

1419
01:14:22.925 --> 01:14:26.495
So I said, "That's a great question."

1420
01:14:27.663 --> 01:14:30.332
"What's on your mind?"

1421
01:14:31.900 --> 01:14:33.568
Three dots started going.

1422
01:14:33.569 --> 01:14:35.871
I was staring at those fucking dots.

1423
01:14:36.538 --> 01:14:39.675
I can't wait to see
what's on this bitch's mind.

1424
01:14:43.912 --> 01:14:45.280
You know what she said?

1425
01:14:46.348 --> 01:14:47.583
Palestine.

1426
01:14:50.652 --> 01:14:53.322
Pales-- And with a full fucking boner.

1427
01:14:54.356 --> 01:14:58.292
I had to type, "I do not feel
well-read enough on that subject

1428
01:14:58.293 --> 01:15:00.395
to discuss it properly at the moment."

1429
01:15:03.565 --> 01:15:05.933
Fellas. Let that be a lesson to you.

1430
01:15:05.934 --> 01:15:09.004
Always lob it back once for safety.

1431
01:15:10.606 --> 01:15:13.641
Doesn't matter how much
of a green light you think you have.

1432
01:15:13.642 --> 01:15:16.545
Lob it the fuck back once.

1433
01:15:18.146 --> 01:15:20.748
'Cause "So, what's on your mind?"

1434
01:15:20.749 --> 01:15:23.485
That sounds like a goddamn
green light, doesn't it?

1435
01:15:24.653 --> 01:15:26.221
Good thing I didn't tell her.

1436
01:15:27.756 --> 01:15:29.590
Good thing I didn't go,
"What's on my mind?"

1437
01:15:29.591 --> 01:15:32.393
"I want to shoot my load all over
your fat fucking tits right now."

1438
01:15:32.394 --> 01:15:34.061
"That's what's on my mind."

1439
01:15:34.062 --> 01:15:35.997
"Then I want to finger fuck your pussy

1440
01:15:35.998 --> 01:15:38.966
till you squirt on my palm.
That's what's on my mind."

1441
01:15:38.967 --> 01:15:41.736
"Then I want you to suck my dick
till you drink my jizz

1442
01:15:41.737 --> 01:15:43.271
all the way down your throat."

1443
01:15:43.272 --> 01:15:45.040
"That's what's on my mind."

1444
01:15:47.476 --> 01:15:50.479
"What's on your mind?"

1445
01:15:53.181 --> 01:15:54.516
Palestine?

1446
01:15:56.752 --> 01:15:59.086
"No, no, no.
That's what I was talking about."

1447
01:15:59.087 --> 01:16:01.856
"That happened to a guy there today.
It was on the news."

1448
01:16:01.857 --> 01:16:03.257
"It was horrible."

1449
01:16:03.258 --> 01:16:05.993
"We must stop this conflict."

1450
01:16:05.994 --> 01:16:08.362
All right, guys, I gotta go.
Thank you so much.

1451
01:16:08.363 --> 01:16:10.531
<i>Kill Tony,</i> appreciate you.

1452
01:16:10.532 --> 01:16:12.767
Appreciate you, appreciate you.

1453
01:16:12.768 --> 01:16:15.002
Joe, you are the fucking man.

1454
01:16:15.003 --> 01:16:16.704
- Love you, buddy.
- So awesome.

1455
01:16:16.705 --> 01:16:18.406
We always have so much fun.

1456
01:16:18.407 --> 01:16:21.342
We've been having fun.
We had too much fun two nights ago.

1457
01:16:21.343 --> 01:16:22.643
Fucked me up last night.

1458
01:16:22.644 --> 01:16:24.879
I had to do standup here last night.

1459
01:16:24.880 --> 01:16:27.648
Something about you
just makes me want to drink, dude.

1460
01:16:27.649 --> 01:16:29.717
I don't know what it is, man.

1461
01:16:29.718 --> 01:16:32.086
It is so fucking cool to be here.

1462
01:16:32.087 --> 01:16:34.656
Thank you for having me
and I want to say this.

1463
01:16:36.091 --> 01:16:39.760
I want to say this on Netflix
in front of all these people here.

1464
01:16:39.761 --> 01:16:41.996
Dude, I've been doing this show with you

1465
01:16:41.997 --> 01:16:45.232
since it was in the belly room
at the comedy store

1466
01:16:45.233 --> 01:16:47.368
and there was 20 people there.

1467
01:16:47.369 --> 01:16:50.571
This is fucking insane.

1468
01:16:50.572 --> 01:16:52.907
- Thank you, buddy.
- You changed shit, buddy.

1469
01:16:52.908 --> 01:16:55.710
- Thank you for making me a part of it.
- You're the man.

1470
01:16:55.711 --> 01:16:58.946
- Joe DeRosa. Ladies and gentlemen.
- Love you, guys. Good night.

1471
01:16:58.947 --> 01:17:00.748
joederosa.com.

1472
01:17:00.749 --> 01:17:02.683
He's on tour and his special

1473
01:17:02.684 --> 01:17:06.253
<i>I Never Promised You a Rose Garden</i>
is out there right now.

1474
01:17:06.254 --> 01:17:07.221
The best special.

1475
01:17:07.222 --> 01:17:10.257
And it is one of the best
specials of the year.

1476
01:17:10.258 --> 01:17:14.061
Let's keep this fun train
moving along, everybody.

1477
01:17:14.062 --> 01:17:15.831
We're gonna go bucket pull five.

1478
01:17:18.367 --> 01:17:20.635
Here we go.
We're gonna meet 'em all together.

1479
01:17:20.636 --> 01:17:23.372
We're 50-50. Booze through the set.

1480
01:17:24.906 --> 01:17:27.775
Try to hold your booze
at least until they're done.

1481
01:17:27.776 --> 01:17:29.377
Try your best.

1482
01:17:29.378 --> 01:17:32.580
It's more fun if you wait,
and then at the end of 60 seconds,

1483
01:17:32.581 --> 01:17:34.449
you just let it rip all at once.

1484
01:17:34.983 --> 01:17:37.485
Let's try our best, make some noise,

1485
01:17:37.486 --> 01:17:40.221
someone hopefully
trying to make it tonight.

1486
01:17:40.222 --> 01:17:46.428
It's Ryan P. Flaherty, Ryan P. Flaherty.

1487
01:17:51.299 --> 01:17:54.503
What's up, New York?
I like blow jobs, too.

1488
01:17:58.240 --> 01:18:00.341
Hi, guys. My name's Ryan.

1489
01:18:00.342 --> 01:18:06.415
I look like my most recent Internet search
was just "vacuum, dick, stuck, help."

1490
01:18:09.685 --> 01:18:14.656
I look like I would be a camp counselor
for theater kids on Klonopin.

1491
01:18:17.392 --> 01:18:20.095
I'd like to do a dad joke.
Is that okay with y'all?

1492
01:18:23.131 --> 01:18:26.500
Uh, as someone whose dad is named Frank

1493
01:18:26.501 --> 01:18:29.671
and whose dad
is on the sex offender registry...

1494
01:18:31.239 --> 01:18:34.208
...any time somebody starts a sentence
like, "I'll just be frank."

1495
01:18:34.209 --> 01:18:36.611
I want to go... "No!"

1496
01:18:39.281 --> 01:18:41.082
"You don't wanna do that."

1497
01:18:41.083 --> 01:18:42.650
It's fine. He's dead.

1498
01:18:42.651 --> 01:18:44.186
To me.

1499
01:18:45.153 --> 01:18:46.721
It's a big night for me, y'all.

1500
01:18:46.722 --> 01:18:48.189
I'm so glad to be here.

1501
01:18:48.190 --> 01:18:52.561
I don't normally do this,
but I brought business cards tonight.

1502
01:18:54.329 --> 01:18:58.399
They're not mine. But I've been finding
cool ones and writing my shit on the back.

1503
01:18:58.400 --> 01:19:00.801
If you're type O-positive,
Earl needs a kidney.

1504
01:19:00.802 --> 01:19:03.037
Thank you so much. I'm Ryan.

1505
01:19:03.038 --> 01:19:04.739
Ryan P. Flaherty.

1506
01:19:04.740 --> 01:19:06.807
You did it, Ryan P.

1507
01:19:06.808 --> 01:19:09.243
- Thanks, guys.
- Hell, yeah.

1508
01:19:09.244 --> 01:19:10.978
How long you been doing standup?

1509
01:19:10.979 --> 01:19:13.147
Uh, if you count COVID, like, seven years.

1510
01:19:13.148 --> 01:19:14.882
Nice. All of it here in New York?

1511
01:19:14.883 --> 01:19:17.284
No, I'm from Scranton, Pennsylvania.

1512
01:19:17.285 --> 01:19:18.252
Okay.

1513
01:19:18.253 --> 01:19:19.386
Wow.

1514
01:19:19.387 --> 01:19:21.922
Rock solid for being from Scranton, PA.

1515
01:19:21.923 --> 01:19:23.324
What do you do for work?

1516
01:19:23.325 --> 01:19:25.359
I'm a maintenance kind of guy.

1517
01:19:25.360 --> 01:19:26.627
I just do stupid shit.

1518
01:19:26.628 --> 01:19:27.695
Grout, paint.

1519
01:19:27.696 --> 01:19:30.397
I work on fast food ice cream machines.

1520
01:19:30.398 --> 01:19:31.966
Whoa, that's you.

1521
01:19:31.967 --> 01:19:34.535
- An American hero.
- I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

1522
01:19:34.536 --> 01:19:36.871
No, it's great.
You're the one that fixes 'em.

1523
01:19:36.872 --> 01:19:37.772
Yep.

1524
01:19:37.773 --> 01:19:39.841
You also look like
you might break them sometimes too.

1525
01:19:40.909 --> 01:19:42.343
- I love it.
- Keeps me busy.

1526
01:19:42.344 --> 01:19:44.211
I love it. You married?

1527
01:19:44.212 --> 01:19:45.346
Uh, yeah.

1528
01:19:45.347 --> 01:19:46.413
You got kids?

1529
01:19:46.414 --> 01:19:48.482
- Uh, yeah. One kid.
- One kid.

1530
01:19:48.483 --> 01:19:49.950
- Yeah.
- How old's the kid?

1531
01:19:49.951 --> 01:19:51.886
- Just turned 12. Pretty cool.
- Twelve.

1532
01:19:51.887 --> 01:19:53.854
- Awesome. Boy or girl?
- Hell, yeah, man.

1533
01:19:53.855 --> 01:19:55.055
Girl-- Uh, boy.

1534
01:19:55.056 --> 01:19:56.090
Wow. Look at that.

1535
01:19:56.091 --> 01:19:57.124
Trans.

1536
01:19:57.125 --> 01:19:59.293
It's scary up here, guys. Come on.

1537
01:19:59.294 --> 01:20:02.129
Got a trans 12-year-old. That's awesome.

1538
01:20:02.130 --> 01:20:03.230
We'll see.

1539
01:20:03.231 --> 01:20:05.801
Jim Norton's backstage
googling her right now.

1540
01:20:07.369 --> 01:20:10.404
I love it. What do you do for fun,
Ryan P. Flaherty?

1541
01:20:10.405 --> 01:20:13.340
Dude, this, improv,
spend time with the family.

1542
01:20:13.341 --> 01:20:15.476
I don't got time. I just want to do this.

1543
01:20:15.477 --> 01:20:16.911
I love it. Fucking awesome.

1544
01:20:16.912 --> 01:20:20.248
And look at you.
You're in Madison Square Garden right now.

1545
01:20:23.985 --> 01:20:26.720
You went from standing out
on the street at 3:00 p.m.

1546
01:20:26.721 --> 01:20:29.824
Now you're in the Garden
performing a sold-out show.

1547
01:20:29.825 --> 01:20:31.025
You're on Netflix.

1548
01:20:31.026 --> 01:20:32.359
How do you feel?

1549
01:20:32.360 --> 01:20:34.562
So far, so-so, man.

1550
01:20:34.563 --> 01:20:36.030
Pretty cool with it.

1551
01:20:36.031 --> 01:20:39.200
This is going better than
I could have ever anticipated so far.

1552
01:20:39.201 --> 01:20:40.668
Yeah.

1553
01:20:40.669 --> 01:20:43.437
Wow.

1554
01:20:43.438 --> 01:20:44.839
Yeah!

1555
01:20:44.840 --> 01:20:46.874
They like me, Tony. They really like me.

1556
01:20:46.875 --> 01:20:48.008
They do.

1557
01:20:48.009 --> 01:20:52.513
Anything else interesting about your life
we should know about, Ryan P?

1558
01:20:52.514 --> 01:20:55.416
Um... I could wiggle my ears. Uh...

1559
01:20:55.417 --> 01:20:56.784
Let's see that ear wiggle.

1560
01:20:56.785 --> 01:20:57.852
Let's see it.

1561
01:20:57.853 --> 01:21:00.588
Look right down at that camera.
Right down the center.

1562
01:21:00.589 --> 01:21:03.557
- There, you see a red light down there.
- I'll find it.

1563
01:21:03.558 --> 01:21:07.661
Or it's right down the middle there.

1564
01:21:07.662 --> 01:21:09.731
Are they wiggling?

1565
01:21:11.733 --> 01:21:13.401
Is that a good ear wiggle?

1566
01:21:14.970 --> 01:21:18.105
This is <i>Kill Tony,</i> ladies and gentlemen.

1567
01:21:18.106 --> 01:21:20.107
Anything can happen.

1568
01:21:20.108 --> 01:21:21.176
Amazing.

1569
01:21:21.843 --> 01:21:24.645
What else? Tell us something else
fun about your life.

1570
01:21:24.646 --> 01:21:29.050
Um... I lost my virginity
on the auditorium stage of my high school.

1571
01:21:31.453 --> 01:21:33.288
You too?

1572
01:21:35.390 --> 01:21:38.025
I'm getting word that we have
an instant replay available.

1573
01:21:38.026 --> 01:21:42.596
We have the director
of the UFC events here.

1574
01:21:42.597 --> 01:21:44.064
Can I see an instant replay?

1575
01:21:44.065 --> 01:21:46.000
I didn't get to see it. We have that.

1576
01:21:46.001 --> 01:21:48.936
We have that center screen. Where is that?

1577
01:21:48.937 --> 01:21:50.005
What?

1578
01:21:51.006 --> 01:21:52.574
Yeah, I still don't, really.

1579
01:21:53.475 --> 01:21:55.376
It's barely an ear wiggle, really.

1580
01:21:55.377 --> 01:21:57.478
It's a ear-ish wiggle.

1581
01:21:57.479 --> 01:22:00.648
Yeah, it's a lot of pressure, Tony.

1582
01:22:00.649 --> 01:22:03.017
Just a little trick
to get the kids in the van.

1583
01:22:03.018 --> 01:22:04.652
Yeah.

1584
01:22:04.653 --> 01:22:07.956
How do you look like a pedophile
but have a voice of the victim?

1585
01:22:10.091 --> 01:22:11.759
I'm just very special, Matt.

1586
01:22:11.760 --> 01:22:14.361
I love that you have a son.
Imagine your kids being bullied

1587
01:22:14.362 --> 01:22:18.098
and they're like, "My dad'll beat you up,"
and just another kid shows up.

1588
01:22:18.099 --> 01:22:21.602
Yeah, dude, I have to have his friends
that hit puberty go.

1589
01:22:21.603 --> 01:22:23.672
And, like, pretend they're me, you know?

1590
01:22:25.307 --> 01:22:26.308
All right.

1591
01:22:27.909 --> 01:22:30.244
Well, my friend,
you did fantastic tonight.

1592
01:22:30.245 --> 01:22:33.681
I do believe you're the most popular
comedian in Scranton right now.

1593
01:22:33.682 --> 01:22:37.451
How about one more time for
Ryan P. Flaherty, ladies and gentlemen?

1594
01:22:37.452 --> 01:22:41.088
There he goes, everybody.

1595
01:22:41.089 --> 01:22:43.057
And we're gonna keep it moving along.

1596
01:22:43.058 --> 01:22:45.626
Ladies and gentlemen,
one of the greatest regulars

1597
01:22:45.627 --> 01:22:48.296
in the history of the show.

1598
01:22:49.064 --> 01:22:51.465
A freak of nature who--

1599
01:22:51.466 --> 01:22:56.071
This will be his second time
performing in Madison Square Garden.

1600
01:22:56.805 --> 01:22:59.440
Ladies and gentlemen, what can I say?

1601
01:22:59.441 --> 01:23:03.677
We're here at the Mecca,
the world's most famous arena.

1602
01:23:03.678 --> 01:23:09.116
The greatest unions, the greatest staff,
the greatest crew possible.

1603
01:23:09.117 --> 01:23:14.221
Every single person
at the Garden is a surgeon at their job.

1604
01:23:14.222 --> 01:23:19.961
And I think this arena represents America
better than any other place on earth.

1605
01:23:21.663 --> 01:23:27.836
And this young man hopes to represent
America very soon as an American.

1606
01:23:28.470 --> 01:23:32.574
But today he remains
the Estonian assassin.

1607
01:23:33.241 --> 01:23:36.811
Ladies and gentlemen, this is Ari Matti.

1608
01:24:03.938 --> 01:24:07.642
I'm not a political guy.

1609
01:24:08.977 --> 01:24:10.178
I don't give a fuck.

1610
01:24:11.679 --> 01:24:15.016
I'm on whatever side
the person I'm talking to is on.

1611
01:24:16.818 --> 01:24:18.853
If you're a big-titted Muslim bitch,

1612
01:24:19.888 --> 01:24:21.723
"From the river to the sea," my queen.

1613
01:24:24.793 --> 01:24:27.662
I'm not like a guy who's like,
"Well, actually, fuck you."

1614
01:24:28.496 --> 01:24:31.266
I do whatever the 51% is doing.

1615
01:24:32.300 --> 01:24:35.402
If I'm on an airplane,
somebody puts their seat back to me,

1616
01:24:35.403 --> 01:24:38.839
I put my seat back
to whoever the fuck is behind me.

1617
01:24:38.840 --> 01:24:40.875
You fuck me? I fuck you.

1618
01:24:44.212 --> 01:24:46.213
That's how the world works.

1619
01:24:46.214 --> 01:24:48.682
We all go, "Fuck you! Fuck you!

1620
01:24:48.683 --> 01:24:50.217
Fuck you! Fuck you!

1621
01:24:50.218 --> 01:24:52.287
Fuck you!"

1622
01:24:54.956 --> 01:24:56.591
Until the last guy...

1623
01:25:01.196 --> 01:25:02.297
...can't.

1624
01:25:04.299 --> 01:25:05.866
I love living in America.

1625
01:25:05.867 --> 01:25:08.870
You guys are patriotic as fuck.

1626
01:25:14.342 --> 01:25:16.111
Nobody fucks with America.

1627
01:25:17.412 --> 01:25:19.514
I love that you guys bombed Iran.

1628
01:25:21.015 --> 01:25:24.084
Not because they had nuclear weapons,

1629
01:25:24.085 --> 01:25:26.721
but because they had the idea.

1630
01:25:28.990 --> 01:25:30.825
That's some gangster shit.

1631
01:25:34.028 --> 01:25:38.500
And I love when Americans are criticizing
Israel for really overreacting.

1632
01:25:39.434 --> 01:25:44.139
Oh, yeah? Kind of like
dropping two nuclear bombs

1633
01:25:45.773 --> 01:25:48.309
after somebody blows up
a couple of boats, huh?

1634
01:25:52.113 --> 01:25:53.681
I love that you guys did two.

1635
01:25:54.716 --> 01:25:59.187
I think after one, the Japanese
would have been like, "Oh, shit."

1636
01:26:00.121 --> 01:26:01.422
"Fuck!"

1637
01:26:02.757 --> 01:26:03.925
"Sorry."

1638
01:26:05.059 --> 01:26:06.995
"We didn't know you have the sun."

1639
01:26:11.432 --> 01:26:14.269
Remember when somebody blew up
a couple of towers?

1640
01:26:17.438 --> 01:26:20.175
A couple of teeny weeny towers
filled with Jews?

1641
01:26:23.211 --> 01:26:27.481
You guys are so patriotic
that even though it happened in New York,

1642
01:26:27.482 --> 01:26:31.285
there was guys in North Carolina
who saw that shit on TV,

1643
01:26:31.286 --> 01:26:34.322
and they were like, "Oh, yeah!"

1644
01:26:36.925 --> 01:26:41.461
You flew over an ocean, into a desert...

1645
01:26:41.462 --> 01:26:42.864
"Where is he?"

1646
01:26:45.700 --> 01:26:48.369
I guess what I'm saying,
Estonians are not patriotic.

1647
01:26:50.305 --> 01:26:53.173
You know what Estonians did
when Russia invaded us?

1648
01:26:53.174 --> 01:26:56.643
We learned the language.

1649
01:26:56.644 --> 01:26:57.678
Thank you, guys.

1650
01:26:57.679 --> 01:26:59.379
Wow. What a vibe.

1651
01:26:59.380 --> 01:27:00.315
Wow!

1652
01:27:01.115 --> 01:27:03.585
The force of Estonia.

1653
01:27:05.286 --> 01:27:10.090
The assassin has done
what he does yet again.

1654
01:27:10.091 --> 01:27:12.459
- Thank you.
- What a fucking set.

1655
01:27:12.460 --> 01:27:14.695
I was so scared to bring up that 9/11.

1656
01:27:14.696 --> 01:27:17.297
I told you before... this was...

1657
01:27:17.298 --> 01:27:19.367
Oh, it's a good joke.
I'll never forget it.

1658
01:27:23.004 --> 01:27:24.171
Hell, yeah.

1659
01:27:24.172 --> 01:27:26.440
- It brought the place down.
- Wow.

1660
01:27:26.441 --> 01:27:27.941
I love it, Ari.

1661
01:27:27.942 --> 01:27:29.743
You're absolutely crushing.

1662
01:27:29.744 --> 01:27:30.844
Fantastic.

1663
01:27:30.845 --> 01:27:32.613
How are you enjoying New York?

1664
01:27:32.614 --> 01:27:33.747
Yeah. So much fun, yeah.

1665
01:27:33.748 --> 01:27:37.150
I came here a few days early
just to work that set out,

1666
01:27:37.151 --> 01:27:39.253
and it was awesome. Running around clubs.

1667
01:27:39.254 --> 01:27:41.588
I saw Mark Normand around.
He helped me a little.

1668
01:27:41.589 --> 01:27:42.789
That was awesome.

1669
01:27:42.790 --> 01:27:46.461
Just to work the jokes, I'll get
the real New York experience.

1670
01:27:47.328 --> 01:27:48.196
Yeah.

1671
01:27:52.100 --> 01:27:53.033
That was awesome.

1672
01:27:53.034 --> 01:27:54.134
Yeah, you love it.

1673
01:27:54.135 --> 01:27:57.638
You're always grinding,
always hustling hard.

1674
01:27:57.639 --> 01:28:00.607
Mark, is this true?
You helped him out? What did you do?

1675
01:28:00.608 --> 01:28:02.342
Uh, I didn't touch any of that shit,

1676
01:28:02.343 --> 01:28:06.613
but no, no, we were working out.
Yeah, you got to run it.

1677
01:28:06.614 --> 01:28:07.547
It's the Garden.

1678
01:28:07.548 --> 01:28:09.483
- Yeah, it was awesome.
- You gotta prepare.

1679
01:28:09.484 --> 01:28:11.852
And Matt Rife,
on behalf of all the comedians,

1680
01:28:11.853 --> 01:28:14.454
thank you for bringing
the bitches out to comedy.

1681
01:28:14.455 --> 01:28:16.923
Thank you very much.

1682
01:28:16.924 --> 01:28:18.826
He's doing the Lord's work.

1683
01:28:19.694 --> 01:28:21.896
I've seen your crowds, thank heavens.

1684
01:28:23.197 --> 01:28:25.432
Can we pull up a Matt Rife shirtless pic?

1685
01:28:25.433 --> 01:28:26.333
What do you think?

1686
01:28:26.334 --> 01:28:29.102
- No, we don't have to...
- Okay.

1687
01:28:29.103 --> 01:28:31.272
Pull up a David Lucas shirtless pic.

1688
01:28:33.675 --> 01:28:36.411
- I have it on my... my wallpaper.
- You have great genes.

1689
01:28:37.178 --> 01:28:38.679
Ari, what else is going on?

1690
01:28:38.680 --> 01:28:43.551
Well, we got, you know,
what happened to us on Thursday?

1691
01:28:44.285 --> 01:28:47.120
We go to a sauna. Russian sauna.

1692
01:28:47.121 --> 01:28:49.523
Steam? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Now you remember?

1693
01:28:49.524 --> 01:28:51.058
- Yes, I do remember.
- Oh!

1694
01:28:51.059 --> 01:28:53.860
Me and Tony got sexually assaulted
in a steam room.

1695
01:28:53.861 --> 01:28:55.028
We did.

1696
01:28:55.029 --> 01:28:56.063
Redban?

1697
01:28:56.064 --> 01:28:58.198
No, I was not there.

1698
01:28:58.199 --> 01:29:01.368
Redban can't handle temperatures over 75.

1699
01:29:01.369 --> 01:29:03.003
Uh...

1700
01:29:03.004 --> 01:29:06.173
But Ari and I are big time sweaters.

1701
01:29:06.174 --> 01:29:09.142
- We have, we own our own saunas at home.
- Yeah.

1702
01:29:09.143 --> 01:29:10.811
And when we come to New York City,

1703
01:29:10.812 --> 01:29:12.579
there is a place here that's been here

1704
01:29:12.580 --> 01:29:15.615
- since, what, 18-like-70.
- Yeah.

1705
01:29:15.616 --> 01:29:18.919
The Turkish Russian bathhouse it's called.

1706
01:29:18.920 --> 01:29:22.389
I've been there for like... I've gone there,
like, five years in a row.

1707
01:29:22.390 --> 01:29:25.959
But this is the first time I went there
and I saw you there.

1708
01:29:25.960 --> 01:29:29.096
- And it was Men's Thursday.
- Yeah.

1709
01:29:29.097 --> 01:29:30.764
And we found out together...

1710
01:29:30.765 --> 01:29:33.900
- Well, yeah.
- Thursdays between 1:00 and 5:00

1711
01:29:33.901 --> 01:29:37.070
- is what they call "Men's time..."
- See.

1712
01:29:37.071 --> 01:29:38.839
...which it seems like
we would fit in there.

1713
01:29:38.840 --> 01:29:41.541
I thought, "Men's time",
oh, my God, intelligent conversation,

1714
01:29:41.542 --> 01:29:44.345
- cocks out, fun times...
- Yeah.

1715
01:29:45.646 --> 01:29:47.781
- Instead, you know...
- Dude.

1716
01:29:47.782 --> 01:29:49.149
And it started kind of slow.

1717
01:29:49.150 --> 01:29:50.984
I don't know if we haven't really gone

1718
01:29:50.985 --> 01:29:53.854
over this since it happened,
but I saw one guy walking by

1719
01:29:53.855 --> 01:29:56.623
that was, I thought maybe he had,
like, an itch or something.

1720
01:29:56.624 --> 01:29:58.992
Like, it was kind of like
reverse backhand.

1721
01:29:58.993 --> 01:30:00.861
Yeah, it was like that. Exactly.

1722
01:30:00.862 --> 01:30:04.097
He was, you know, with the coin,
you know, just a little...

1723
01:30:04.098 --> 01:30:05.932
- maybe an itch.
- Yep.

1724
01:30:05.933 --> 01:30:07.567
If you've got an itch.

1725
01:30:07.568 --> 01:30:11.071
And then organically, Ari and I sitting

1726
01:30:11.072 --> 01:30:12.739
next to each other in the steam room,

1727
01:30:12.740 --> 01:30:15.075
- you know, you're kind of like, "Ugh..."
- You're in the haze.

1728
01:30:15.076 --> 01:30:18.378
Yeah, you're just, it's fucking...
It's kind of cloudy.

1729
01:30:18.379 --> 01:30:21.249
- And there's a guy directly across...
- Three inches from my face.

1730
01:30:22.550 --> 01:30:24.519
No, no, he was here. Tony's here...

1731
01:30:25.186 --> 01:30:26.387
- Dick here.
- Yeah.

1732
01:30:27.388 --> 01:30:30.190
And he was really... He was doing the...

1733
01:30:30.191 --> 01:30:33.727
No. At first I thought I'm seeing
a mirage or something

1734
01:30:33.728 --> 01:30:37.698
- because... half chubby doing, you know?
- Yep.

1735
01:30:38.332 --> 01:30:39.399
Yep.

1736
01:30:39.400 --> 01:30:42.235
And no one, see. Yes, Matt Rife.

1737
01:30:42.236 --> 01:30:44.504
- No one...
- Yeah.

1738
01:30:44.505 --> 01:30:47.641
- See, no one is saying shit.
- Yeah.

1739
01:30:47.642 --> 01:30:49.609
There's also, yeah, that's worth noting...

1740
01:30:49.610 --> 01:30:51.678
- I look at Tony...
- ...seven or eight other guys

1741
01:30:51.679 --> 01:30:52.746
in this thing with us.

1742
01:30:52.747 --> 01:30:55.715
- Everybody's just kind of chill.
- I look at Tony. He's not bothered.

1743
01:30:55.716 --> 01:30:57.285
What? He's very comfortable.

1744
01:31:00.421 --> 01:31:03.089
The biggest smile I've ever seen
on his fucking face.

1745
01:31:03.090 --> 01:31:04.357
- It's true.
- And then...

1746
01:31:04.358 --> 01:31:07.194
Because I couldn't fucking believe
what was happening.

1747
01:31:07.195 --> 01:31:11.466
Yes. So then I go,
remember, in the steam room,

1748
01:31:11.999 --> 01:31:15.502
I just... I go, "Hey, dude,
are you jacking off?"

1749
01:31:15.503 --> 01:31:17.437
Yeah.

1750
01:31:17.438 --> 01:31:19.940
Which I expected... "Oh!"

1751
01:31:19.941 --> 01:31:24.211
But his response,
no contact lost with cock.

1752
01:31:24.212 --> 01:31:26.346
- He goes, "Yeah."
- Yeah.

1753
01:31:26.347 --> 01:31:28.748
And he nodded like that.

1754
01:31:28.749 --> 01:31:33.620
He goes like that, and he's continuing
to do it with the powerful eye contact.

1755
01:31:33.621 --> 01:31:35.455
No blink, head nod.

1756
01:31:35.456 --> 01:31:37.791
So then... So then--

1757
01:31:37.792 --> 01:31:42.496
This is where Ari Matti
gained his citizenship at this moment.

1758
01:31:42.497 --> 01:31:47.300
- So then, I go get the fuck out of there.
- Yeah. Yeah.

1759
01:31:47.301 --> 01:31:49.736
And as soon as I said that,

1760
01:31:49.737 --> 01:31:52.906
I realized from the energy in the room,

1761
01:31:52.907 --> 01:31:55.142
- I'm the odd one out.
- Yeah.

1762
01:31:56.978 --> 01:31:59.613
That's when it clicked, "Men's Thursday".

1763
01:31:59.614 --> 01:32:02.984
Dude, everyone was probably ready
to gobble, gobble...

1764
01:32:04.318 --> 01:32:09.155
and I just...
I thought I stopped a sexual assault,

1765
01:32:09.156 --> 01:32:11.691
- I think I interrupted an orgy.
- Yeah.

1766
01:32:11.692 --> 01:32:13.660
Yeah.

1767
01:32:13.661 --> 01:32:15.428
I got one more for ya.

1768
01:32:15.429 --> 01:32:18.031
I did a quick stop in today.

1769
01:32:18.032 --> 01:32:20.066
I'm like, I'm gonna fuck it,
and I'm gonna sweat out.

1770
01:32:20.067 --> 01:32:22.669
- Of course you went back.
- Yeah, I went right back,

1771
01:32:22.670 --> 01:32:25.105
and this is open, back to normal.

1772
01:32:25.106 --> 01:32:29.042
What we've always been used to.
Not Thursdays 1:00 to 5:00.

1773
01:32:29.043 --> 01:32:34.147
I go back and I'm in that exact
steam room with some friends, right?

1774
01:32:34.148 --> 01:32:37.417
And then there's one guy there
that goes, "Man, is this great or what?"

1775
01:32:37.418 --> 01:32:39.152
I go, "I'll tell you, the other day,

1776
01:32:39.153 --> 01:32:42.122
there was a fucking guy
jerking off in this room."

1777
01:32:42.123 --> 01:32:44.157
"Fucking disgusting, right?"

1778
01:32:44.158 --> 01:32:47.994
He goes, "Thursday between 1:00 and 5:00?"
I go, "Yeah".

1779
01:32:47.995 --> 01:32:50.797
He goes, "Yeah, that's...
that's 'men's time.'"

1780
01:32:50.798 --> 01:32:53.333
I go, "Yeah,
but you're not supposed to jerk off."

1781
01:32:53.334 --> 01:32:54.434
"This place is supposed to be..."

1782
01:32:54.435 --> 01:32:56.771
He goes, "No, no, no. This is New York."

1783
01:32:58.205 --> 01:33:01.142
And I'm like, I can't wait
to get back to Texas.

1784
01:33:03.978 --> 01:33:06.513
You need guns here, motherfuckers.
You need guns.

1785
01:33:06.514 --> 01:33:07.982
Get your guns back.

1786
01:33:09.784 --> 01:33:12.185
There's no jerking off in steam rooms

1787
01:33:12.186 --> 01:33:15.890
where everyone can possibly
have a gun underneath their towel.

1788
01:33:17.058 --> 01:33:19.259
- Redban.
- Why did you go back, though?

1789
01:33:19.260 --> 01:33:23.129
- I would never go back to that place.
- Yeah. Redban, you're so straight.

1790
01:33:23.130 --> 01:33:25.932
You would never go do something
healthy for your body again

1791
01:33:25.933 --> 01:33:28.835
- because one guy jerked off.
- Take a hot shower.

1792
01:33:28.836 --> 01:33:31.539
Yeah, a hot shower.
That's the same, Redban.

1793
01:33:32.073 --> 01:33:34.641
This guy has the same gunk
underneath his sweat pores

1794
01:33:34.642 --> 01:33:36.544
since 1989.

1795
01:33:38.279 --> 01:33:41.014
What's the healthiest thing
you think you've done in the past year?

1796
01:33:41.015 --> 01:33:43.851
- I ate pussy today.
- Wow. He ate pussy.

1797
01:33:46.187 --> 01:33:49.523
- While she was on her period.
- While she was on her period.

1798
01:33:51.359 --> 01:33:53.627
- And I swallowed it.
- And he swallowed it.

1799
01:33:53.628 --> 01:33:56.764
Ladies and gentlemen,
Redban, an American hero.

1800
01:33:59.367 --> 01:34:00.501
So much fun.

1801
01:34:01.168 --> 01:34:04.372
What kind of candy did she put
in her pussy for you to eat it?

1802
01:34:05.873 --> 01:34:07.074
- Kimchi.
- Kimchi.

1803
01:34:08.442 --> 01:34:09.377
All right.

1804
01:34:10.011 --> 01:34:12.245
Ari, you're a fucking beast.

1805
01:34:12.246 --> 01:34:13.847
You did it again tonight.

1806
01:34:13.848 --> 01:34:16.149
- Thank you so much.
- Un-fucking-believable.

1807
01:34:16.150 --> 01:34:19.353
Ladies and gentlemen,
make some noise for Ari Matti, everybody!

1808
01:34:22.189 --> 01:34:23.690
We're gonna go Legends Bucket.

1809
01:34:23.691 --> 01:34:25.859
I know we already have momentum.

1810
01:34:25.860 --> 01:34:27.560
I shouldn't do it right now.

1811
01:34:27.561 --> 01:34:29.597
We're going Legends Bucket.

1812
01:34:30.698 --> 01:34:34.134
Oh, my God, ladies and gentlemen,

1813
01:34:34.135 --> 01:34:37.637
magic is about to happen
as I present to you,

1814
01:34:37.638 --> 01:34:44.144
the reigning defending
2024 guest of the year

1815
01:34:44.145 --> 01:34:48.248
here to do a spot
at Madison Square Garden,

1816
01:34:48.249 --> 01:34:51.584
make some fucking noise for <i>Kill Tony</i> icon

1817
01:34:51.585 --> 01:34:56.791
and one of the greatest comedic
movie stars of all time, Harland Williams.

1818
01:35:08.903 --> 01:35:09.904
Wow.

1819
01:35:12.973 --> 01:35:14.308 line:5%
What a treat.

1820
01:35:16.277 --> 01:35:18.479 line:5%
I gotta tell you, folks, it's, uh...

1821
01:35:19.847 --> 01:35:23.484
It's a bit of an emotional night
for me to be here tonight.

1822
01:35:25.419 --> 01:35:27.187
My sister's here tonight.

1823
01:35:27.188 --> 01:35:31.325
She's in the very top row,
right on the railing up there, and...

1824
01:35:35.830 --> 01:35:37.263
It's... It's been a little tough.

1825
01:35:37.264 --> 01:35:41.902
She's been, and it's tough to talk about,
but she's been suicidal.

1826
01:35:49.744 --> 01:35:51.978
And they say that
laughter is the best medicine.

1827
01:35:51.979 --> 01:35:54.782
So I brought her here tonight

1828
01:35:55.583 --> 01:35:59.419
to maybe encourage her
to go forward with her dreams in life.

1829
01:35:59.420 --> 01:36:02.623
You can all help me tonight with a chant.

1830
01:36:03.958 --> 01:36:07.727
Jump, jump, jump, jump, jump,

1831
01:36:07.728 --> 01:36:11.464
jump, jump, jump, jump, jump!

1832
01:36:11.465 --> 01:36:12.833
Is she still there?

1833
01:36:14.668 --> 01:36:18.239
All right, well, we'll leave the car
running for you when you get home. Uh...

1834
01:36:20.307 --> 01:36:21.709
Sir, if you could fuck off.

1835
01:36:25.679 --> 01:36:27.147
Uh, it's good to be here.

1836
01:36:27.148 --> 01:36:30.150
Holy God, some guy recognized me
in the street today.

1837
01:36:30.151 --> 01:36:33.453
He ran up to me and he goes,
"Hey, man, I know you. You're crazy!"

1838
01:36:33.454 --> 01:36:36.557
And I said, "Yeah, I'm crazy, all right."

1839
01:36:37.491 --> 01:36:40.327
"Crazy like Forest Whitaker's left eye."

1840
01:36:50.738 --> 01:36:54.707
He said to me, he said, "Hey, man,
you've been in the game a long time."

1841
01:36:54.708 --> 01:36:56.476
"Maybe it's time to get out."

1842
01:36:56.477 --> 01:37:00.214
And I said,
"Like a retard in a bouncy house..."

1843
01:37:05.319 --> 01:37:06.754
"...there ain't no getting out."

1844
01:37:14.495 --> 01:37:16.796
I was walking around in New York,
I don't vape

1845
01:37:16.797 --> 01:37:18.898
but I started vaping here in New York.

1846
01:37:18.899 --> 01:37:22.635
Not the little vape pens,
but about every four blocks,

1847
01:37:22.636 --> 01:37:26.106
you see a pipe sticking out of the road
with steam coming out of it.

1848
01:37:27.708 --> 01:37:30.310
I just walk up, plant my face right in it.

1849
01:37:30.311 --> 01:37:31.344
Holy shit!

1850
01:37:31.345 --> 01:37:33.080
The flavors are delicious.

1851
01:37:34.882 --> 01:37:39.019
Have you tried homeless-manure
urine-raspberry-sun blast?

1852
01:37:41.121 --> 01:37:46.160
How about suicidal-out-of-work
Broadway-actor-blueberry, anybody?

1853
01:37:48.662 --> 01:37:53.233
Just an hour ago,
I had sexual assault in the park,

1854
01:37:53.234 --> 01:37:55.336
cinnamon, cranberry,

1855
01:37:56.370 --> 01:37:58.839
that guy's teeth. No, I'm just kidding.

1856
01:38:02.243 --> 01:38:04.510
Sir, if you could go immediately
and stick your tongue

1857
01:38:04.511 --> 01:38:06.447
in the nearest electrical socket.

1858
01:38:09.717 --> 01:38:13.453
I got up at 5:30 in the morning,

1859
01:38:13.454 --> 01:38:16.122
this morning, I wanted to see New York

1860
01:38:16.123 --> 01:38:19.759
without all the the tourists
and all the people walking around.

1861
01:38:19.760 --> 01:38:23.296
So, I'm wandering around
at 5:30 in the morning,

1862
01:38:23.297 --> 01:38:25.933
and I got to tell you,
this city is haunting.

1863
01:38:27.134 --> 01:38:29.937
It is ghostly, dare I say enchanting.

1864
01:38:30.871 --> 01:38:34.607
I'm walking around at 5:30 in the morning

1865
01:38:34.608 --> 01:38:36.810
and all I hear is this... All I hear is...

1866
01:38:52.693 --> 01:38:59.600
I look, I see a homeless guy
making wind noises.

1867
01:39:08.509 --> 01:39:10.344
I gave him $30.

1868
01:39:11.812 --> 01:39:14.814
Best blow job I've ever had,
I gotta tell you.

1869
01:39:14.815 --> 01:39:17.484
Number one. One.

1870
01:39:22.056 --> 01:39:24.424
I picked up a girl in a bar last night.

1871
01:39:24.425 --> 01:39:27.160
Man, you can't tell those
trannies apart anymore.

1872
01:39:27.161 --> 01:39:28.995
Holy fuck.

1873
01:39:28.996 --> 01:39:31.297
This chick was a 12 out of 10.

1874
01:39:31.298 --> 01:39:35.268
I got the tranny home and we were
rolling around naked in the sheets.

1875
01:39:35.269 --> 01:39:38.738
We were feeling around and halfway
through it, I whisper in her ear,

1876
01:39:38.739 --> 01:39:44.745
I said, "I don't want to be insensitive,
but your pussy has a cock."

1877
01:39:53.120 --> 01:39:55.489
"Your clit is about eight inches long

1878
01:39:57.191 --> 01:39:59.193
and there's a mushroom cap on top."

1879
01:40:00.761 --> 01:40:04.163
I mean, she was a great guy,
but I only lasted about three hours.

1880
01:40:04.164 --> 01:40:05.232
That's not for me.

1881
01:40:09.336 --> 01:40:12.271
I got a new tattoo.
You got a tattoo, buddy?

1882
01:40:12.272 --> 01:40:14.475
What do you got, my guy?

1883
01:40:15.275 --> 01:40:16.944
All kinds? Can you name one?

1884
01:40:19.146 --> 01:40:20.213
Your daughter's name.

1885
01:40:20.214 --> 01:40:22.616
So you don't know
your fucking daughter's name?

1886
01:40:24.418 --> 01:40:29.055
Do you open the door and go,
"Hey, it's time for dinner, uh...

1887
01:40:29.056 --> 01:40:29.990
Carol."

1888
01:40:33.427 --> 01:40:35.862
I got a new tattoo right here.
A brand new one.

1889
01:40:35.863 --> 01:40:38.965
It's a beauty. Holy God, I love it.

1890
01:40:38.966 --> 01:40:43.237
It's a tattoo of a giraffe
sleeping on a beanbag chair.

1891
01:40:47.207 --> 01:40:51.111
When it gets excited,
it runs in and out of caves and throws up.

1892
01:40:59.186 --> 01:41:01.688
Give my son and daughter a hand.
Aren't they great?

1893
01:41:05.259 --> 01:41:06.459
Folks, I love you.

1894
01:41:06.460 --> 01:41:08.294
I'll see my sister when I get home.

1895
01:41:08.295 --> 01:41:09.729
The guest of the year.

1896
01:41:09.730 --> 01:41:14.435
Reigning, defending,
the host of the Harland Highway podcast.

1897
01:41:15.769 --> 01:41:18.371
One of the greatest guests
in the show's history.

1898
01:41:18.372 --> 01:41:20.740
One more time
for the great Harland Williams,

1899
01:41:20.741 --> 01:41:22.843
- ladies and gentlemen.
- Thank you.

1900
01:41:25.846 --> 01:41:27.413
Wow, what a legend.

1901
01:41:27.414 --> 01:41:29.316
That set got dumb and dumber.

1902
01:41:31.018 --> 01:41:32.118
We're having fun.

1903
01:41:32.119 --> 01:41:35.822
I'm gonna keep the momentum up here.
Instead of going to the next bucket pull,

1904
01:41:35.823 --> 01:41:39.625
I think we should go with one of our
greatest golden ticket winners ever.

1905
01:41:39.626 --> 01:41:45.198
Ladies and gentlemen, this young lady
has always absolutely destroyed.

1906
01:41:45.199 --> 01:41:48.234
She is, without a doubt,
one of the most beloved figures

1907
01:41:48.235 --> 01:41:52.271
in <i>Kill Tony</i> history
from Nashville, Tennessee.

1908
01:41:52.272 --> 01:41:55.175
Make some noise for Fiona Cauley.

1909
01:42:07.354 --> 01:42:09.622
Here she comes.

1910
01:42:09.623 --> 01:42:10.891
She's back.

1911
01:42:12.559 --> 01:42:14.160
How loud can this place get?

1912
01:42:14.161 --> 01:42:16.296
Come on, Madison Square Garden.

1913
01:42:21.034 --> 01:42:23.303
One more time for Fiona Cauley.

1914
01:42:29.276 --> 01:42:31.845
New York City.

1915
01:42:36.016 --> 01:42:38.952
A lot of stairs. Um...

1916
01:42:41.788 --> 01:42:47.460
Man, I... I was recently approached

1917
01:42:47.461 --> 01:42:54.300
by a couple
in proposition for a threesome.

1918
01:42:54.301 --> 01:42:57.336
Oh, yeah.

1919
01:42:57.337 --> 01:43:02.376
I am always down for half the work. Um...

1920
01:43:05.712 --> 01:43:09.883
I do bring my own cuck chair. Um...

1921
01:43:12.886 --> 01:43:17.223
I, uh, I did learn, though,
that, like the quickest way

1922
01:43:17.224 --> 01:43:20.726
to ruin the vibe of a threesome

1923
01:43:20.727 --> 01:43:25.866
is to ask if their home is ADA compliant.

1924
01:43:30.804 --> 01:43:34.173
It never is. Um...

1925
01:43:34.174 --> 01:43:37.343
And if it were, I think
I'd be more concerned.

1926
01:43:37.344 --> 01:43:39.379
Thank y'all.

1927
01:43:40.347 --> 01:43:42.815
The great Fiona Cauley.

1928
01:43:42.816 --> 01:43:45.585
Nashville, Tennessee.

1929
01:43:45.586 --> 01:43:50.223
The pride of Nashville.

1930
01:43:50.224 --> 01:43:51.123
Hell, yeah.

1931
01:43:51.124 --> 01:43:53.492
- Welcome back, Fiona.
- Thank you.

1932
01:43:53.493 --> 01:43:55.528
How's New York City treating you?

1933
01:43:55.529 --> 01:43:56.762
You having fun out here?

1934
01:43:56.763 --> 01:44:00.099
Yeah, they're all equal.

1935
01:44:00.100 --> 01:44:01.534
They treat me normal.

1936
01:44:01.535 --> 01:44:04.270
They're very mean, and I like that.

1937
01:44:04.271 --> 01:44:05.238
Yeah.

1938
01:44:05.239 --> 01:44:07.340
- I like that shit.
- Yeah.

1939
01:44:07.341 --> 01:44:13.512
It's funny, uh,
backstage I saw Matt and I realized

1940
01:44:13.513 --> 01:44:15.414
I had to fucking change

1941
01:44:15.415 --> 01:44:19.085
because I couldn't let you be
the prettiest one on the stage.

1942
01:44:19.086 --> 01:44:21.121
Ooh!

1943
01:44:23.590 --> 01:44:27.027
I'm not sure I won that one,
but I tried, you know.

1944
01:44:28.829 --> 01:44:30.396
Fiona, you're crushing it.

1945
01:44:30.397 --> 01:44:32.164
How's things down in Nashville?

1946
01:44:32.165 --> 01:44:33.633
What's going on down there?

1947
01:44:33.634 --> 01:44:35.001
What's going on in life?

1948
01:44:35.002 --> 01:44:39.505
Oh, man, I just turned 29.

1949
01:44:39.506 --> 01:44:41.642
Oh!

1950
01:44:42.643 --> 01:44:43.743
Oh, no.

1951
01:44:43.744 --> 01:44:46.312
- I know.
- You got one year left.

1952
01:44:46.313 --> 01:44:50.050
- All these normal motherfuckers.
- I mean, to live.

1953
01:44:55.422 --> 01:44:57.923
Fiona has one of the best
senses of humors.

1954
01:44:57.924 --> 01:44:59.725
We've talked about it a billion times.

1955
01:44:59.726 --> 01:45:02.529
Is there any good news
with your condition or anything?

1956
01:45:03.363 --> 01:45:04.264
No.

1957
01:45:09.703 --> 01:45:12.872
Uh... I'm here! That's the good news.

1958
01:45:12.873 --> 01:45:14.540
- That's all that matters.
- Yeah.

1959
01:45:14.541 --> 01:45:16.142
Yeah.

1960
01:45:16.143 --> 01:45:20.447
- The battery is charged.
- Hell, yeah.

1961
01:45:21.114 --> 01:45:22.181
You always murder.

1962
01:45:22.182 --> 01:45:23.583
You're gonna get the chair.

1963
01:45:27.654 --> 01:45:28.521
Matt Rife.

1964
01:45:28.522 --> 01:45:31.724
I love how you complained
about Ahren getting a $250 headset.

1965
01:45:31.725 --> 01:45:33.559
How much was the stage elevator?

1966
01:45:33.560 --> 01:45:37.029
I mean, it ain't easy.

1967
01:45:37.030 --> 01:45:38.565
But luckily...

1968
01:45:39.533 --> 01:45:42.201
- Thanks--
- Got a drink holder on that puppy, huh?

1969
01:45:42.202 --> 01:45:44.236
- Yeah.
- That's pretty good.

1970
01:45:44.237 --> 01:45:45.905
I keep that shit on me.

1971
01:45:45.906 --> 01:45:47.940
- Drinking and driving.
- Yeah.

1972
01:45:47.941 --> 01:45:51.377
I do it best. Um...

1973
01:45:51.378 --> 01:45:52.712
You know, it's funny.

1974
01:45:52.713 --> 01:45:55.648
I have noticed something in New York.

1975
01:45:55.649 --> 01:45:59.318
I know I talk weird
because of my neurological shit,

1976
01:45:59.319 --> 01:46:02.923
but y'all think it's just
a Southern accent.

1977
01:46:08.495 --> 01:46:11.997
And I like that shit. Yeah.

1978
01:46:11.998 --> 01:46:15.334
Amazing. By the way, I got word in my ear

1979
01:46:15.335 --> 01:46:18.771
that it actually,
I had no idea that this was real.

1980
01:46:18.772 --> 01:46:24.677
But the director just told me it...
it was indeed $6,000 for the elevator...

1981
01:46:24.678 --> 01:46:28.114
- Wow!
- ...to get a wheelchair on this stage.

1982
01:46:28.115 --> 01:46:29.716
So just to let you know...

1983
01:46:33.387 --> 01:46:39.191
Fiona, whether it's God
that takes you from us, or not,

1984
01:46:39.192 --> 01:46:42.763
this will be your last time
on this show in an arena.

1985
01:46:46.066 --> 01:46:47.733
- I mean, Tony, with your lineups.
- Thank you.

1986
01:46:47.734 --> 01:46:51.203
If they don't ask you to host the Special
Olympics, I don't know who can do it.

1987
01:46:51.204 --> 01:46:52.838
That's true.

1988
01:46:52.839 --> 01:46:53.773
Host the Special...

1989
01:46:53.774 --> 01:46:57.344
I can't get them to stop
calling me a racist Nazi meanwhile.

1990
01:46:58.678 --> 01:47:01.981
- It's hard to host the Special Olympics.
- At least you're non-ableist Nazi.

1991
01:47:01.982 --> 01:47:04.884
And that is good news for me.

1992
01:47:04.885 --> 01:47:06.820
- Thank God for that.
- Yeah.

1993
01:47:07.454 --> 01:47:09.622
I love my wild, wild people.

1994
01:47:09.623 --> 01:47:13.292
I always think to myself, "What would I do
if I was in that position?"

1995
01:47:13.293 --> 01:47:16.429
I would hope that someone
would keep the door open for me.

1996
01:47:16.430 --> 01:47:17.630
You do, yeah.

1997
01:47:17.631 --> 01:47:22.068
I would hope someone would buy a $6,000
elevator that I just found out about.

1998
01:47:24.171 --> 01:47:29.442
See, they... It's funny because
they ran Ahren's $250 headset by me.

1999
01:47:29.443 --> 01:47:32.044
But no one's like, "Hey, 6,000."
They must...

2000
01:47:32.045 --> 01:47:35.281
My production team
must fucking love you, Fiona.

2001
01:47:35.282 --> 01:47:39.352
- Yeah. I had to suck a lot of dick.
- Blow jobs.

2002
01:47:44.391 --> 01:47:46.793
To be fair, David Lucas
also needed the elevator.

2003
01:47:53.366 --> 01:47:55.968
Fiona, you are a cold-blooded assassin.

2004
01:47:55.969 --> 01:47:57.603
Everybody loves you.

2005
01:47:57.604 --> 01:48:01.273
Every appearance on this show
has always been fantastic.

2006
01:48:01.274 --> 01:48:05.544
You're hilarious.
You're beautiful. Everybody loves you.

2007
01:48:05.545 --> 01:48:08.882
One more time for the great Fiona Cauley,
ladies and gentlemen.

2008
01:48:14.387 --> 01:48:18.625
How about a hand
for the beautiful Heidi helping out here?

2009
01:48:20.727 --> 01:48:23.596
Redban. Redban.

2010
01:48:23.597 --> 01:48:25.832
What did I tell you
about making that noise?

2011
01:48:28.602 --> 01:48:31.237
Yeah, I'm also getting...
I'm getting word

2012
01:48:31.238 --> 01:48:37.844
that we have an instant replay
of the $6,000 elevator hard at work.

2013
01:48:40.547 --> 01:48:42.948
Here it is. Wow.

2014
01:48:42.949 --> 01:48:44.149
This is live.

2015
01:48:44.150 --> 01:48:45.819
Anything can happen, folks.

2016
01:48:46.686 --> 01:48:49.656
I mean, this seems crazy, by the way.

2017
01:48:50.390 --> 01:48:52.992
Oh!

2018
01:48:52.993 --> 01:48:57.564
Only on <i>Kill Tony,</i> can you perhaps
watch a woman fall to her death.

2019
01:48:58.865 --> 01:49:00.500
Absolutely incredible.

2020
01:49:01.635 --> 01:49:02.536
Wow.

2021
01:49:03.036 --> 01:49:04.036
Amazing.

2022
01:49:04.037 --> 01:49:06.238
That's what it's going to look like
when she dies

2023
01:49:06.239 --> 01:49:09.008
and gets lowered to hell, everybody.

2024
01:49:09.009 --> 01:49:12.045
I'm kidding. She's not going to hell.

2025
01:49:13.380 --> 01:49:17.717
A lot of liberal ladies out there
just not laughing, giving me mean looks.

2026
01:49:19.052 --> 01:49:21.987
Wow. Slow elevators.

2027
01:49:21.988 --> 01:49:23.589
I wish this was a Coldplay concert,

2028
01:49:23.590 --> 01:49:25.825
and they cut to her
walking down the stairs.

2029
01:49:26.993 --> 01:49:28.261
She's like, "Got him."

2030
01:49:31.798 --> 01:49:33.465
All right, you know what I'm gonna do?

2031
01:49:33.466 --> 01:49:36.902
I'm going back to the Legends Bucket,
ladies, and...

2032
01:49:36.903 --> 01:49:40.273
Wait a second.
This doesn't make any sense whatsoever.

2033
01:49:41.207 --> 01:49:43.175
How could this be in the Legends Bucket?

2034
01:49:43.176 --> 01:49:44.610
This is crazy.

2035
01:49:44.611 --> 01:49:49.348
This guy's only been on the show
twice ever before.

2036
01:49:49.349 --> 01:49:51.851
He's only been doing comedy eight months.

2037
01:49:52.686 --> 01:49:54.954
This doesn't make any sense.

2038
01:49:54.955 --> 01:49:56.323
This can't be real.

2039
01:49:57.123 --> 01:50:02.127
Ladies and gentlemen,
this Legend Bucket pull

2040
01:50:02.128 --> 01:50:05.798
says the words... Timmy No Brakes, everyone.

2041
01:50:05.799 --> 01:50:07.767
I mean...

2042
01:50:09.202 --> 01:50:10.503
This can't be real.

2043
01:50:11.037 --> 01:50:13.172
He's supposed to be in Salt Lake City.

2044
01:50:13.173 --> 01:50:14.941
Oh, my God. There he is!

2045
01:50:22.148 --> 01:50:23.816 line:5%
The newest icon.

2046
01:50:23.817 --> 01:50:25.785 line:5%
Make some noise for Timmy No Brakes.

2047
01:50:29.022 --> 01:50:31.224
Release the doves.

2048
01:50:36.563 --> 01:50:39.032
Okay. Fuck! The doves are dead. Um...

2049
01:50:39.833 --> 01:50:41.233
I thought leather was more breathable.

2050
01:50:41.234 --> 01:50:43.503
Let's cut that.
Let's take it from the top, guys.

2051
01:50:45.005 --> 01:50:46.606
Fuck!

2052
01:50:47.874 --> 01:50:49.376
Shut the fuck up, guys.

2053
01:50:51.411 --> 01:50:53.512
Tonight I'm playing my hits.

2054
01:50:53.513 --> 01:50:55.948
You know these. You love these.

2055
01:50:55.949 --> 01:50:57.751
Yell the punch lines out.

2056
01:50:59.986 --> 01:51:03.690
I recently found out
you could get an erection after you die.

2057
01:51:04.557 --> 01:51:07.394
Yeah, so Bruce Willis could...

2058
01:51:09.062 --> 01:51:09.895
die hard.

2059
01:51:09.896 --> 01:51:12.264
Guys, what the fuck?

2060
01:51:12.265 --> 01:51:14.134
These are my hits. Let's fucking go!

2061
01:51:17.237 --> 01:51:20.273
I put my dick in a glory hole
the other day.

2062
01:51:22.976 --> 01:51:26.012
Turns out my sister was on the other side.

2063
01:51:27.180 --> 01:51:29.249
I'm like, "Why am I doing this..."

2064
01:51:31.518 --> 01:51:33.252
"...in my house?"

2065
01:51:33.253 --> 01:51:36.422
Guys, these are my fucking hits.

2066
01:51:36.423 --> 01:51:38.124
Let's go. This is embarrassing.

2067
01:51:40.927 --> 01:51:43.063
Last chance, you dumb ass retards.

2068
01:51:45.732 --> 01:51:48.801
I got an STD the other day. Yeah.

2069
01:51:48.802 --> 01:51:50.937
It was the...

2070
01:51:52.906 --> 01:51:53.940
AIDS.

2071
01:51:54.441 --> 01:51:56.743
Fuck!

2072
01:51:57.277 --> 01:52:00.513
It's all right, Tony. I'm sorry, that's...
I relinquish my time. That's...

2073
01:52:01.214 --> 01:52:02.881
I'm a little stressed, you know.

2074
01:52:02.882 --> 01:52:06.786
You said MSG, I went to fucking Chinatown.

2075
01:52:08.788 --> 01:52:10.255
I almost didn't make it.

2076
01:52:10.256 --> 01:52:12.758
Ladies and gentlemen, Timmy No Brakes

2077
01:52:12.759 --> 01:52:17.930
has made a shocking appearance
from the Legends Bucket.

2078
01:52:17.931 --> 01:52:21.633
Wow, Timmy,
this must be monumental for you.

2079
01:52:21.634 --> 01:52:25.572
We know for a fact
you are from New Jersey.

2080
01:52:26.172 --> 01:52:28.575
Make some noise, New Jersey!

2081
01:52:33.880 --> 01:52:34.781
Good job, sir.

2082
01:52:35.515 --> 01:52:38.617
How does it feel to be here
at the most famous arena

2083
01:52:38.618 --> 01:52:40.453
in the world coming from New Jersey?

2084
01:52:42.088 --> 01:52:45.325
Honestly, it feels like Tuesday.

2085
01:52:45.925 --> 01:52:49.094
You call this a fucking arena?

2086
01:52:49.095 --> 01:52:50.363
I mean...

2087
01:52:52.766 --> 01:52:54.533
You know what? I'm burning up up here.

2088
01:52:54.534 --> 01:52:55.502
This is...

2089
01:53:01.374 --> 01:53:04.309
Timmy No Brakes is a sensation.

2090
01:53:04.310 --> 01:53:06.945
- I can't believe you have...
- Sexy one.

2091
01:53:06.946 --> 01:53:09.082
...multiple leather jackets on.

2092
01:53:10.083 --> 01:53:12.518
- Yeah, I mean...
- Who doesn't?

2093
01:53:12.519 --> 01:53:13.585
- Right?
- Yeah.

2094
01:53:13.586 --> 01:53:15.455
- I mean, yeah.
- Take off your shirt.

2095
01:53:17.090 --> 01:53:19.225
You got another denim under there,
gay guy?

2096
01:53:20.393 --> 01:53:21.761
Boom! Roasted.

2097
01:53:22.729 --> 01:53:23.996
Hit me with the pyro.

2098
01:53:23.997 --> 01:53:26.131
Give him a little pyro.

2099
01:53:26.132 --> 01:53:27.433
You got a little fire?

2100
01:53:27.934 --> 01:53:28.801
You got a little fire

2101
01:53:28.802 --> 01:53:30.336
- for Timmy No Brakes?
- The fucking pyro!

2102
01:53:34.974 --> 01:53:37.043
You're fired. Pun.

2103
01:53:39.779 --> 01:53:41.146
Guy, three amigos.

2104
01:53:41.147 --> 01:53:43.348
Where was my fucking trumpet there?
Jesus Christ.

2105
01:53:43.349 --> 01:53:45.250
He likes the... He likes the D.

2106
01:53:45.251 --> 01:53:46.251
He likes the D.

2107
01:53:46.252 --> 01:53:47.987
No. You like the D.

2108
01:53:49.556 --> 01:53:52.425
Give him a little pyro.

2109
01:53:53.960 --> 01:53:55.128
What do we got here?

2110
01:53:56.129 --> 01:53:58.364
You fucking flamer. You're gay.

2111
01:53:59.465 --> 01:54:00.566
Give us some flames.

2112
01:54:00.567 --> 01:54:02.467
Anything? All right.

2113
01:54:02.468 --> 01:54:06.405
Wow. I like it more when the timing's off,
and... there you go.

2114
01:54:06.406 --> 01:54:09.042
Oh, my God! Baby!

2115
01:54:17.550 --> 01:54:20.886
A master of <i>Kill Tony.</i>

2116
01:54:20.887 --> 01:54:22.387
This is his third time ever.

2117
01:54:22.388 --> 01:54:24.857
You've been doing stand-up.
Is it eight months or nine months?

2118
01:54:24.858 --> 01:54:26.025
Say it with me.

2119
01:54:26.893 --> 01:54:28.126
Eight weeks.

2120
01:54:28.127 --> 01:54:30.429
Eight weeks, ladies and gentlemen.

2121
01:54:30.430 --> 01:54:32.030
Less than ever before.

2122
01:54:32.031 --> 01:54:35.034
What do you like to do
when you're in New York City?

2123
01:54:36.803 --> 01:54:38.104
I'm glad you asked, Ton.

2124
01:54:41.808 --> 01:54:46.778
D-Madness, take the bass for a walk.
Jon Deas, tickle the keys.

2125
01:54:46.779 --> 01:54:48.981
Sax man, you're sitting this one out.

2126
01:54:48.982 --> 01:54:51.516
Shut the fuck up.

2127
01:54:51.517 --> 01:54:53.719
All right, I want
the fucking ceiling to open.

2128
01:54:53.720 --> 01:54:56.256
I want a natural moon spotlight.

2129
01:54:58.258 --> 01:54:59.191
Camera B.

2130
01:54:59.192 --> 01:55:00.193
Come in.

2131
01:55:01.227 --> 01:55:02.595
Switch to black and white.

2132
01:55:04.063 --> 01:55:06.131
Let's get me fucking
hooked up on some wires.

2133
01:55:06.132 --> 01:55:07.901
I want to fly around for this one.

2134
01:55:09.903 --> 01:55:11.604
Never mind. All right, everybody...

2135
01:55:12.605 --> 01:55:13.473
Clap.

2136
01:55:15.775 --> 01:55:18.111
Let's go, Madison Square Garden.

2137
01:55:22.982 --> 01:55:24.983
Wait, wait. What was the question again?

2138
01:55:24.984 --> 01:55:26.118
Oh.

2139
01:55:26.119 --> 01:55:28.053
What do you like to do
when you're in New York?

2140
01:55:28.054 --> 01:55:30.323
When I'm in... Uh, pass.

2141
01:55:31.858 --> 01:55:32.926
I'll pass on that.

2142
01:55:33.860 --> 01:55:36.362
Fucking the Jewish Ray Charles. Boom!

2143
01:55:38.665 --> 01:55:39.599
Roasted.

2144
01:55:41.234 --> 01:55:42.502
Andrew J's gay.

2145
01:55:44.003 --> 01:55:46.472
A low hanging fruit
from a low hanging fruit.

2146
01:55:49.042 --> 01:55:50.410
All right, bring out more props.

2147
01:55:52.412 --> 01:55:53.947
What do you got?

2148
01:55:55.648 --> 01:55:58.551
Uh-oh.

2149
01:56:01.621 --> 01:56:04.490
Okay, Timmy.

2150
01:56:05.391 --> 01:56:07.327
Well, you don't like prop comedy, Mark?

2151
01:56:08.161 --> 01:56:09.494
Okay.

2152
01:56:09.495 --> 01:56:10.396
It's all right.

2153
01:56:12.165 --> 01:56:13.598
- Timmy...
- This is awkward.

2154
01:56:13.599 --> 01:56:16.469
You are the People's Golden Ticket winner.

2155
01:56:17.170 --> 01:56:18.437
You've done it again.

2156
01:56:18.438 --> 01:56:25.243
Two jackets and one turtle dove
and a partridge in New York City.

2157
01:56:25.244 --> 01:56:26.979
You did it, my friend.

2158
01:56:26.980 --> 01:56:29.181
How do you feel, Timmy No Brakes?

2159
01:56:29.182 --> 01:56:30.582
I feel good.

2160
01:56:30.583 --> 01:56:32.017
Can I ask you a question, Tony?

2161
01:56:32.018 --> 01:56:33.752
Sure, Timmy. Whatever you want.

2162
01:56:33.753 --> 01:56:36.221
In fact, if you want to host
the rest of the show, you can.

2163
01:56:36.222 --> 01:56:39.491
Great. I was gonna challenge you
for your Regularship, so...

2164
01:56:39.492 --> 01:56:41.994
No, I'm just kidding, Ton.
I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

2165
01:56:41.995 --> 01:56:42.929
Yeah, okay.

2166
01:56:43.563 --> 01:56:46.366
Is it true that you've never kissed a boy?

2167
01:56:48.501 --> 01:56:50.035
That is, well, technically,

2168
01:56:50.036 --> 01:56:53.506
Redban and I once kissed
for a New Year's Eve countdown video.

2169
01:56:54.374 --> 01:56:56.541
Is there a boy out there
that wants to come

2170
01:56:56.542 --> 01:56:58.811
up here and give this man his first kiss?

2171
01:57:00.680 --> 01:57:03.383
- No! Come on.
- It's a <i>Kill Tony</i> tradition. Come on.

2172
01:57:03.916 --> 01:57:07.185
- Wait, what? Matt Rife wants to?
- I didn't say that.

2173
01:57:07.186 --> 01:57:08.153
I didn't say that.

2174
01:57:08.154 --> 01:57:10.322
Do it. Come on, Matt. Do it, Matt.

2175
01:57:10.323 --> 01:57:11.656
All right. We got to keep it moving.

2176
01:57:11.657 --> 01:57:12.724
Timmy, we love you.

2177
01:57:12.725 --> 01:57:15.660
How loud can this place get
for the great Timmy No Brakes?

2178
01:57:15.661 --> 01:57:18.196
Oh! The dove in the crowd.

2179
01:57:18.197 --> 01:57:21.333
One person got a wing,
the other got the body.

2180
01:57:21.334 --> 01:57:24.504
- He threw his--
- Good night, New Jersey!

2181
01:57:27.373 --> 01:57:29.341
Wow, Timmy No Brakes.

2182
01:57:29.342 --> 01:57:30.509
It's unprecedented

2183
01:57:30.510 --> 01:57:32.812
someone coming out of the Legends Bucket.

2184
01:57:34.714 --> 01:57:37.482
All right, let's do something fun here,

2185
01:57:37.483 --> 01:57:39.151
real good and fast, huh?

2186
01:57:39.152 --> 01:57:45.957
Let's do a special "audience decides
who wins" four-person competition.

2187
01:57:45.958 --> 01:57:48.293
Does that sound like fun?

2188
01:57:48.294 --> 01:57:50.929
All right. Your first person
doing a minute tonight.

2189
01:57:50.930 --> 01:57:53.832
Make some noise for Jack Shaw,
everybody, here we go.

2190
01:57:53.833 --> 01:57:56.602
We're gonna fly through this.

2191
01:57:57.470 --> 01:57:59.739
Jack Shaw is first
with a brand new minute.

2192
01:58:02.542 --> 01:58:06.546 line:5%
All right. Hey, New York.
I got a blow job in New York City!

2193
01:58:08.881 --> 01:58:12.285
Me and Harland are seeing
the same homeless man.

2194
01:58:14.454 --> 01:58:16.155
Who sucks dick in here?

2195
01:58:17.824 --> 01:58:20.793
Yeah. Get up here and prove it.

2196
01:58:23.663 --> 01:58:25.764
Dude, I love a blow job, man.

2197
01:58:25.765 --> 01:58:27.732
I just moved in with my girlfriend.

2198
01:58:27.733 --> 01:58:29.668
Dude, I'm learning a lot, man.

2199
01:58:29.669 --> 01:58:32.137
I fixed our washing machine, dude,

2200
01:58:32.138 --> 01:58:34.473
and she sucked my dick for it.

2201
01:58:34.474 --> 01:58:38.410
Yeah, dude.

2202
01:58:38.411 --> 01:58:42.748
Now, when she leaves the apartment,
I've been breaking shit.

2203
01:58:45.151 --> 01:58:48.621
I punched a hole through the television.

2204
01:58:51.357 --> 01:58:54.726
She went out of town recently
and the dishwasher broke

2205
01:58:54.727 --> 01:58:58.731
and I didn't know what to do, man,
and I called a handyman.

2206
01:58:59.599 --> 01:59:03.069
It turns out I give great head, dude. I...

2207
01:59:04.170 --> 01:59:05.471
Thank you guys so much.

2208
01:59:06.105 --> 01:59:08.273
Jack Shaw, you did it.

2209
01:59:08.274 --> 01:59:12.144
Throw that back in the mic stand
and go sit over that drum set over there.

2210
01:59:12.145 --> 01:59:14.112
Go sit in front of Michael's drum set.

2211
01:59:14.113 --> 01:59:15.380
Jack, you stay there.

2212
01:59:15.381 --> 01:59:18.583
Audience, remember
how much you liked his set.

2213
01:59:18.584 --> 01:59:21.753
Because you decide
who wins this competition.

2214
01:59:21.754 --> 01:59:25.223
Your next minute
is from David Jolly, everybody.

2215
01:59:25.224 --> 01:59:30.196
Golden Ticket winner,
America's Favorite Uncle, David Jolly.

2216
01:59:33.699 --> 01:59:38.570 line:5%
How y'all doing tonight?
White people in Puerto Rico!

2217
01:59:38.571 --> 01:59:40.373
Hell, yeah.

2218
01:59:41.107 --> 01:59:44.977
I believe the American school system
is a bunch of bullshit.

2219
01:59:46.212 --> 01:59:48.613
They told us a lot of bullshit
back in the days,

2220
01:59:48.614 --> 01:59:51.284
and I've been fact-checking,
and I don't believe it.

2221
01:59:51.951 --> 01:59:54.053
Y'all remember that bitch, Helen Keller?

2222
01:59:54.554 --> 01:59:55.420
Yeah!

2223
01:59:55.421 --> 01:59:56.689
Y'all believe that shit?

2224
01:59:57.857 --> 01:59:59.292
Kiss my fucking ass!

2225
02:00:00.059 --> 02:00:03.461
They're trying to tell me
this motherfucker was blind and deaf,

2226
02:00:03.462 --> 02:00:06.731
she wrote 200 books and she flew a plane?

2227
02:00:06.732 --> 02:00:09.301
Come on, now.

2228
02:00:09.302 --> 02:00:12.571
If I get on a Delta flight
and that bitch driving

2229
02:00:12.572 --> 02:00:16.876
doing the Ray Charles,
I'm getting the fuck off the plane.

2230
02:00:18.010 --> 02:00:20.212
Then it was two more facts that I heard.

2231
02:00:20.213 --> 02:00:24.216
One of them, I believe, sadly,
the second one ain't no goddamn way.

2232
02:00:24.217 --> 02:00:26.786
They say in World War II, she was a nurse.

2233
02:00:27.820 --> 02:00:31.089
If I've been in a goddamn injury
and she come in the room

2234
02:00:31.090 --> 02:00:35.594
bumping into shit,
I'm gonna kill my goddamn self.

2235
02:00:35.595 --> 02:00:38.097
I ain't gonna let Humpty Dumpty do it.

2236
02:00:39.799 --> 02:00:44.669
Then I found out, sadly,
that during World War II,

2237
02:00:44.670 --> 02:00:48.840
Helen Keller was sexually assaulted
15 times.

2238
02:00:48.841 --> 02:00:50.976
And that's sad.

2239
02:00:50.977 --> 02:00:53.445
Oh, shit. You went over your time.

2240
02:00:53.446 --> 02:00:55.548
David Jolly, go sit next to Jack Shaw.

2241
02:00:56.716 --> 02:01:00.086
Who would've guessed? A Black guy
doing more work than he had to do.

2242
02:01:01.220 --> 02:01:03.021
All right, your third competitor.

2243
02:01:03.022 --> 02:01:04.189
She won this spot

2244
02:01:04.190 --> 02:01:07.092
on the last Netflix taping
that was at the Mothership.

2245
02:01:07.093 --> 02:01:10.328
Make some noise
for Serena Thiel, everybody.

2246
02:01:10.329 --> 02:01:14.032
A brand new minute from Serena Thiel.

2247
02:01:14.033 --> 02:01:16.901
Where the hell's Serena Thiel?
Here she comes, everybody.

2248
02:01:16.902 --> 02:01:18.404
Make some noise for Serena.

2249
02:01:21.674 --> 02:01:23.842 line:5%
Man, New York is crazy.

2250
02:01:23.843 --> 02:01:27.178 line:5%
You guys have things here
that I didn't know existed.

2251
02:01:27.179 --> 02:01:31.117
I saw an Asian midget yesterday.

2252
02:01:31.684 --> 02:01:35.253
And I know what you're thinking.
How could I tell?

2253
02:01:35.254 --> 02:01:38.224
Uh, he was wider than he was tall.
It was awesome.

2254
02:01:39.825 --> 02:01:40.792
In my neighborhood,

2255
02:01:40.793 --> 02:01:43.963
there is a Pilates studio
with a quote on the front window:

2256
02:01:44.930 --> 02:01:46.831
"What a wonderful thought it is

2257
02:01:46.832 --> 02:01:51.237
that some of the best days of our lives
haven't even happened yet."

2258
02:01:52.738 --> 02:01:54.674
Quote: Anne Frank.

2259
02:01:57.576 --> 02:01:59.578
1945.

2260
02:02:01.213 --> 02:02:02.515
What an idiot.

2261
02:02:06.118 --> 02:02:08.788
What, did you not see
the writing on the wall?

2262
02:02:10.356 --> 02:02:12.357
Read the room, baby girl.

2263
02:02:12.358 --> 02:02:13.359
There's only one.

2264
02:02:14.660 --> 02:02:17.063
It's not like you have
anything else to read.

2265
02:02:18.030 --> 02:02:19.297
It's a crazy thing to put

2266
02:02:19.298 --> 02:02:21.467
on the front window
of your Pilates studio.

2267
02:02:23.202 --> 02:02:25.071
I feel sorry for the woman
who put that there.

2268
02:02:25.938 --> 02:02:28.774
She thinks she and Anne Frank
both have better days ahead of them.

2269
02:02:30.476 --> 02:02:32.278
I don't think she finished the book.

2270
02:02:33.312 --> 02:02:35.080
Serena Thiel!

2271
02:02:35.081 --> 02:02:39.017
Got it in. One minute, 12 seconds.
Three seconds away from the bear.

2272
02:02:39.018 --> 02:02:42.354
Your final and fourth competitor,
ladies and gentlemen.

2273
02:02:42.355 --> 02:02:47.759
Used to do comedy in New York,
and I gave him a spot at the Mothership.

2274
02:02:47.760 --> 02:02:50.596
Make some noise.
Danny Martinello, ladies and gentlemen.

2275
02:02:51.564 --> 02:02:55.034
And at the end of this,
you decide who wins.

2276
02:02:56.135 --> 02:02:59.104 line:5%
I've been exchanging
some sexies with this girl.

2277
02:02:59.105 --> 02:03:02.273 line:5%
Usually I don't send nudes
unless you want them.

2278
02:03:02.274 --> 02:03:04.343 line:5%
Then I'm just launching the whole fleet.

2279
02:03:05.244 --> 02:03:07.345
And she hit me back with...

2280
02:03:07.346 --> 02:03:10.883
She said, "Can you take a picture,
but next to a remote, please?"

2281
02:03:11.884 --> 02:03:14.486
I said, "100%, I can.
No problem with that."

2282
02:03:14.487 --> 02:03:17.223
"But you're getting
the Roku remote, though."

2283
02:03:19.058 --> 02:03:23.596
You kidding? Send that off
just being like, "I am a Titan."

2284
02:03:24.630 --> 02:03:27.532
It's such a strange unit
of measurement to ask for, though.

2285
02:03:27.533 --> 02:03:30.201
Why wouldn't you
just straight up ask for a ruler?

2286
02:03:30.202 --> 02:03:31.971
It's got inches on it.

2287
02:03:32.671 --> 02:03:35.975
Centimeters, if you want to feel like
a metric massive man.

2288
02:03:37.510 --> 02:03:40.678
That's so strange, though,
because no dude's gonna ever do that.

2289
02:03:40.679 --> 02:03:43.415
No dude's gonna ask for scale, you know?

2290
02:03:43.416 --> 02:03:46.317
They're never gonna just be like,
"Nice. Beautiful pussy,

2291
02:03:46.318 --> 02:03:49.455
but do you think you could take it
next to a toaster, please?"

2292
02:03:51.357 --> 02:03:54.927
"Just trying to see what kind of slot
you're working with here."

2293
02:03:56.195 --> 02:03:57.896
Find out she has a couple kids.

2294
02:03:57.897 --> 02:04:00.933
You're like, "Yeah,
that's a four banger toaster, for sure."

2295
02:04:02.301 --> 02:04:05.804
You gotta dump a couple crumbs
out of that tray. Thank you. God bless.

2296
02:04:05.805 --> 02:04:07.305
Boom! Danny Martinello.

2297
02:04:07.306 --> 02:04:09.474
All right. You guys, stand back up.

2298
02:04:09.475 --> 02:04:12.310
Stand next to Danny,
and the audience decides.

2299
02:04:12.311 --> 02:04:18.583
We have an actual meter,
a metric system of deciding who wins.

2300
02:04:18.584 --> 02:04:22.320
So, ladies and gentlemen, here we go.

2301
02:04:22.321 --> 02:04:26.157
If you have Jack Shaw
winning this competition,

2302
02:04:26.158 --> 02:04:28.860
make some noise.

2303
02:04:28.861 --> 02:04:30.496
What are we at? What do we got?

2304
02:04:31.897 --> 02:04:34.299
What was the max there?
What are we calling that?

2305
02:04:34.300 --> 02:04:36.534
- We got up to 90-something.
- Ninety-four.

2306
02:04:36.535 --> 02:04:39.905
Ninety-six-point-zero?

2307
02:04:40.840 --> 02:04:42.740
All right. Okay.

2308
02:04:42.741 --> 02:04:45.611
How many of you
have David Jolly winning this?

2309
02:04:49.982 --> 02:04:50.983
Ninety-five.

2310
02:04:52.518 --> 02:04:54.887
How many of you have Serena Thiel winning?

2311
02:04:57.890 --> 02:05:00.025
Ninety-six-seven.

2312
02:05:01.961 --> 02:05:04.663
And how many of you
have Danny Martinello winning?

2313
02:05:06.732 --> 02:05:08.333
Oh, that's it.

2314
02:05:08.334 --> 02:05:10.768
Danny Martinello wins.

2315
02:05:10.769 --> 02:05:14.005
And on top of just performing
at Madison Square Garden,

2316
02:05:14.006 --> 02:05:18.243
you get to perform in an arena
in Austin, Texas, on New Year's Eve.

2317
02:05:18.244 --> 02:05:20.578
Congratulations, Danny Martinello.

2318
02:05:20.579 --> 02:05:24.315
That is Kill or Be Killed,
an absolute turbo round.

2319
02:05:24.316 --> 02:05:26.184
Make some noise for all of them.

2320
02:05:26.185 --> 02:05:30.622
Danny Martinello, Serena Thiel,
David Jolly, and Jack Shaw.

2321
02:05:30.623 --> 02:05:32.223
Yeah, whatever.

2322
02:05:32.224 --> 02:05:34.560
- Fuck yeah, that was awesome.
- Yeah, whatever.

2323
02:05:36.128 --> 02:05:38.563 line:5%
Yeah, whatever, Tony.

2324
02:05:38.564 --> 02:05:41.200 line:5%
Oh, shit, it's the Roastmaster General!

2325
02:05:42.067 --> 02:05:44.103
Whatever, Tony.

2326
02:05:45.070 --> 02:05:47.372
Come on! Move it!

2327
02:05:47.373 --> 02:05:49.374
What the hell is going on, Tony?

2328
02:05:49.375 --> 02:05:52.311
Make some noise for Jeffrey Ross,
ladies and gentlemen.

2329
02:05:53.546 --> 02:05:57.815
His brand new Broadway show,
<i>Take a Banana for the Ride,</i>

2330
02:05:57.816 --> 02:06:02.854
is out starting on Monday,
and running here on Broadway,

2331
02:06:02.855 --> 02:06:06.391
through the entire season
at multiple shows.

2332
02:06:06.392 --> 02:06:08.226
- Many shows.
- Tony.

2333
02:06:08.227 --> 02:06:09.694
Tony.

2334
02:06:09.695 --> 02:06:11.329
Yeah, Jeff?

2335
02:06:11.330 --> 02:06:12.830
Wait, we're going backstage.

2336
02:06:12.831 --> 02:06:15.334
Look at all the ugly
fucking fans back here.

2337
02:06:17.269 --> 02:06:19.738
This looks like
an Ugly Lives Matter rally.

2338
02:06:22.308 --> 02:06:23.742
Where are you? Where are you?

2339
02:06:25.644 --> 02:06:30.782
Where is he at? Make some goddamn noise
for the Roastmaster General, Jeffrey Ross.

2340
02:06:30.783 --> 02:06:32.585
Oh, yeah. There he is.

2341
02:06:34.386 --> 02:06:37.489
What the fuck is up, New York City?

2342
02:06:42.728 --> 02:06:44.262
- Tony.
- Yeah.

2343
02:06:44.263 --> 02:06:45.396
Welcome to New York.

2344
02:06:45.397 --> 02:06:48.132
I would say,
"Take a bite out of the Big Apple,"

2345
02:06:48.133 --> 02:06:51.604
but with those teeth, there'd be nothing
left for the rest of us.

2346
02:06:53.572 --> 02:06:56.241
Matt Rife
is what Tony thinks he looks like.

2347
02:06:59.878 --> 02:07:00.913
Goddamn.

2348
02:07:01.847 --> 02:07:05.149
Tony, you do so much for disabled comics.

2349
02:07:05.150 --> 02:07:06.851
But enough about Redban.

2350
02:07:06.852 --> 02:07:08.387
Hey!

2351
02:07:09.855 --> 02:07:13.324
Redban, great to see you
at Madison Square Garden,

2352
02:07:13.325 --> 02:07:16.161
instead of the Olive Garden
on Madison Avenue.

2353
02:07:18.864 --> 02:07:22.900
Tony, I'm so proud of you, buddy.
I'm so proud of you.

2354
02:07:22.901 --> 02:07:26.304
I mean, here we are,
Madison Square Garden,

2355
02:07:26.305 --> 02:07:30.476
sold out, Netflix special,
top of the charts.

2356
02:07:33.846 --> 02:07:36.548
I gotta say, for a bottom,
you're really on top.

2357
02:07:40.119 --> 02:07:42.954
But I was really disappointed
last November

2358
02:07:42.955 --> 02:07:45.456
when you came to this very venue

2359
02:07:45.457 --> 02:07:50.061
and you called Puerto Rico,
the island of Puerto Rico,

2360
02:07:50.062 --> 02:07:52.196
a heaping pile of garbage.

2361
02:07:52.197 --> 02:07:54.332
A floating island of garbage.

2362
02:07:54.333 --> 02:07:57.603
I'm just sorry
you'd never been to Staten Island.

2363
02:08:00.839 --> 02:08:04.308
Tony, from the bottom of my heart,
I appreciate you.

2364
02:08:04.309 --> 02:08:07.145
I love what you do for comics. Thank you.

2365
02:08:07.146 --> 02:08:08.846
You coming to my show this week?

2366
02:08:08.847 --> 02:08:12.784
I am. I'm going to opening night Monday.
<i>Take a Banana for the Ride.</i>

2367
02:08:12.785 --> 02:08:14.285
It's gonna be huge.

2368
02:08:14.286 --> 02:08:16.521
How long does that run on Broadway?

2369
02:08:16.522 --> 02:08:18.656
We're going through the end of September.

2370
02:08:18.657 --> 02:08:22.226
It's basically a tribute to this tribe.

2371
02:08:22.227 --> 02:08:26.832
There's a tribute to Norm Macdonald,
Bob Saget, and Gilbert Gottfried.

2372
02:08:27.633 --> 02:08:30.435
It's at the Nederlander Theatre.

2373
02:08:30.436 --> 02:08:33.771
If you're going through something tough
in your life right now,

2374
02:08:33.772 --> 02:08:35.707
this is the thing to do.

2375
02:08:35.708 --> 02:08:38.843
Come on down to my show
at the Nederlander on Broadway.

2376
02:08:38.844 --> 02:08:41.179
It's a dream come true for me.

2377
02:08:41.180 --> 02:08:44.549
And I know anybody who loves comedy
is gonna love this show.

2378
02:08:44.550 --> 02:08:47.518
I saw the test run
when it was in Austin, Texas.

2379
02:08:47.519 --> 02:08:49.987
It was fucking unbelievable.
You saw it too, right?

2380
02:08:49.988 --> 02:08:53.124
It's fucking great. Everybody loved it.
Get tickets.

2381
02:08:53.125 --> 02:08:56.794
Jeff Ross, broadway.com.
<i>Take a Banana for the Ride.</i>

2382
02:08:56.795 --> 02:09:00.698
One of my first mentors,
best friends, like a father to me.

2383
02:09:00.699 --> 02:09:03.602
Make some noise
for the great Jeff Ross, everybody.

2384
02:09:09.007 --> 02:09:11.510
Catch him on Broadway.
Jeff, we love you, buddy.

2385
02:09:12.711 --> 02:09:13.544
All right.

2386
02:09:13.545 --> 02:09:17.315
Guys, this is a three-hour long show
and we are at the end.

2387
02:09:17.316 --> 02:09:22.386
There's only one way
to end a show like this.

2388
02:09:22.387 --> 02:09:24.622
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you

2389
02:09:24.623 --> 02:09:27.825
the all-time record holder
for appearances on this show,

2390
02:09:27.826 --> 02:09:30.261
all-time interviews.

2391
02:09:30.262 --> 02:09:34.632
The Hall of Famer who still goes into it

2392
02:09:34.633 --> 02:09:38.002
and writes a new minute every single week.

2393
02:09:38.003 --> 02:09:40.705
This is The Memphis Strangler,

2394
02:09:40.706 --> 02:09:43.741
The Vanilla Gorilla...

2395
02:09:43.742 --> 02:09:46.512
...The New York Yankee.

2396
02:09:47.913 --> 02:09:52.451
This is The Big Red Machine,
William Montgomery, everybody!

2397
02:10:06.031 --> 02:10:09.168
Okay, turn the fire off,
who's ever doing that!

2398
02:10:09.735 --> 02:10:12.871 line:5%
How's it going, Madison Square Garden?

2399
02:10:17.376 --> 02:10:19.944
Redban said before the show,

2400
02:10:19.945 --> 02:10:23.381
I'd like to stick my autopen
in Ashley Biden.

2401
02:10:23.382 --> 02:10:25.350
What did you mean by that?

2402
02:10:27.186 --> 02:10:31.656
I'm kind of surprised the New York Jets
didn't change their name.

2403
02:10:31.657 --> 02:10:36.127
Like if the Oklahoma City Thunder
had been called the Oklahoma City Bombers,

2404
02:10:36.128 --> 02:10:38.764
I'm pretty sure
they would have changed their name.

2405
02:10:42.334 --> 02:10:46.537
Jesus turned water into wine
and the Jews were like,

2406
02:10:46.538 --> 02:10:50.642
"Damn, we should steal his idea
and kill his ass."

2407
02:10:53.812 --> 02:10:58.082
Imagine being the guy
Jeffrey Epstein didn't let on the island.

2408
02:10:58.083 --> 02:10:59.884
"Yeah, I was talking to the girls,

2409
02:10:59.885 --> 02:11:02.653
and there are just certain lines
they refuse to cross."

2410
02:11:02.654 --> 02:11:03.921
"I mean, let's be real,

2411
02:11:03.922 --> 02:11:07.092
I could be a difficult boss at times,
but I'm not a monster."

2412
02:11:09.728 --> 02:11:12.163
My parents asked me
if I was afraid of death,

2413
02:11:12.164 --> 02:11:15.366
and I said, "Mom and Dad,
I'm only afraid of two things."

2414
02:11:15.367 --> 02:11:18.737
"Having grandkids
and disappointing Nick Saban!"

2415
02:11:21.607 --> 02:11:23.976
Have they made a Black <i>Air Bud</i> movie yet?

2416
02:11:26.578 --> 02:11:29.480
Okay, that's my time. Thank you, New York.

2417
02:11:29.481 --> 02:11:34.785
William "Lights Out" Montgomery
has done it again

2418
02:11:34.786 --> 02:11:38.890
live from Madison Square Garden.

2419
02:11:38.891 --> 02:11:41.192
- How did it feel, William?
- Good.

2420
02:11:41.193 --> 02:11:44.929
Oh, my gosh,
I was hoping you and Matt were gonna kiss.

2421
02:11:44.930 --> 02:11:47.698
I was really hoping
y'all were about to kiss up there.

2422
02:11:47.699 --> 02:11:50.534
Okay. What else is going on, William?

2423
02:11:50.535 --> 02:11:52.303
- I want to kiss you, Tony.
- Okay.

2424
02:11:52.304 --> 02:11:53.704
Okay, no, I'm kidding.

2425
02:11:53.705 --> 02:11:56.774
No, Tony, I've had a wonderful time
in New York City.

2426
02:11:56.775 --> 02:11:58.476
I'm a real big foodie.

2427
02:11:58.477 --> 02:12:02.146
I've discovered
all these great places to eat, Tony.

2428
02:12:02.147 --> 02:12:05.716
There's so many different genres of food
here in New York City.

2429
02:12:05.717 --> 02:12:08.686
I mean, I think I've really enjoyed
some Moroccan food.

2430
02:12:08.687 --> 02:12:09.887
I've been trying that.

2431
02:12:09.888 --> 02:12:12.958
I tried some Italian food, um...

2432
02:12:14.593 --> 02:12:17.094
some Dominican food.

2433
02:12:17.095 --> 02:12:21.799
What other kind of foods
have you tried, William?

2434
02:12:21.800 --> 02:12:24.936
Maybe some Japanese food!

2435
02:12:24.937 --> 02:12:26.738
Oh!

2436
02:12:27.306 --> 02:12:28.205
I really love--

2437
02:12:28.206 --> 02:12:32.009
Went to an Australian place
last night, Tony.

2438
02:12:32.010 --> 02:12:34.712
- Wow.
- Outback Steakhouse, Tony!

2439
02:12:34.713 --> 02:12:36.081
Oh!

2440
02:12:37.549 --> 02:12:40.251
That's my new sponsor, literally.
Outback Steakhouse.

2441
02:12:40.252 --> 02:12:43.422
They're paying me money
to start mentioning them on every show.

2442
02:12:44.356 --> 02:12:47.325
Wow. What other kinds of food
have you been eating?

2443
02:12:47.326 --> 02:12:49.093
People laughed at that one.

2444
02:12:49.094 --> 02:12:50.729
I was thinking...

2445
02:12:52.230 --> 02:12:56.534
Um, God,
I had some corndogs last night, Tony!

2446
02:12:56.535 --> 02:12:58.570
Um...

2447
02:12:59.271 --> 02:13:01.539
Mark, what's another kind of food?
Help me.

2448
02:13:01.540 --> 02:13:05.042
I figured you at the homeless shelter?

2449
02:13:05.043 --> 02:13:06.344
Maybe soup kitchen?

2450
02:13:06.345 --> 02:13:12.249
Yeah. They have some good baked beans
at the soup kitchen.

2451
02:13:12.250 --> 02:13:13.151
Yeah.

2452
02:13:14.720 --> 02:13:15.920
Okay, uh--

2453
02:13:15.921 --> 02:13:18.856
William, you think
you're ever going to stop

2454
02:13:18.857 --> 02:13:22.059
trying different types of food
here in New York City?

2455
02:13:22.060 --> 02:13:24.428
Ah, Tony, I don't think
I'm ever gonna stop...

2456
02:13:24.429 --> 02:13:28.333
Wow!
Ladies and gentlemen, William Montgomery.

2457
02:13:32.938 --> 02:13:36.574
Come on, make some noise
for William Montgomery, everybody.

2458
02:13:36.575 --> 02:13:38.777
Guys, we did it!

2459
02:13:40.045 --> 02:13:42.013
Did you guys have a great time tonight?

2460
02:13:42.014 --> 02:13:43.415
Oh, shit.

2461
02:13:44.483 --> 02:13:45.951
Those are legit sparks.

2462
02:13:47.452 --> 02:13:51.822
Thank you to everybody,
especially Madison Square Garden.

2463
02:13:51.823 --> 02:13:54.091
This place is unbelievable.

2464
02:13:54.092 --> 02:13:56.594
Thank you to you,
the great people of New York,

2465
02:13:56.595 --> 02:13:58.295
for supporting the show,

2466
02:13:58.296 --> 02:14:01.599
supporting real comedy,
supporting free speech.

2467
02:14:01.600 --> 02:14:05.170
How loud can this place get for
the great Matt Rife and Mark Normand, huh?

2468
02:14:07.973 --> 02:14:11.942
And our great legends,
<i>Take a Banana for the Ride,</i> Jeff Ross.

2469
02:14:11.943 --> 02:14:14.879
Harland Williams, <i>The Harland Highway.</i>

2470
02:14:14.880 --> 02:14:18.849
Catch Dave Attell's special,
<i>Hot Cross Buns,</i> here on Netflix.

2471
02:14:18.850 --> 02:14:21.419
Joe DeRosa,
<i>I Never Promised You a Rose Garden.</i>

2472
02:14:21.420 --> 02:14:23.254
Jim Norton, <i>Unconceivable.</i>

2473
02:14:23.255 --> 02:14:26.991
One more time for all the regulars,
Golden ticket winners.

2474
02:14:26.992 --> 02:14:31.495
The Best Damn Band in the Land
is playing tonight at the Blue Note.

2475
02:14:31.496 --> 02:14:32.763
Big afterparty.

2476
02:14:32.764 --> 02:14:35.566
A special thank you to the IBEW,

2477
02:14:35.567 --> 02:14:39.336
the International Brotherhood
of Electrical Workers, Local 3,

2478
02:14:39.337 --> 02:14:41.405
here in New York City.

2479
02:14:41.406 --> 02:14:44.208
And one more time
for Madison Square Garden.

2480
02:14:44.209 --> 02:14:46.343
Truly, they treat us so great.

2481
02:14:46.344 --> 02:14:48.279
It's the best arena in the world.

2482
02:14:48.280 --> 02:14:50.047
Thank you to Netflix. Redban.

2483
02:14:50.048 --> 02:14:51.816
Love you guys. Thank you so much.

2484
02:14:51.817 --> 02:14:53.651
Thank you. Good night, everybody.

2485
02:14:53.652 --> 02:14:54.986
- Thank you!
- Yeah, comedy!