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Downloaded from
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Official YIFY movies site:
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Hey, this is Redban.
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{\an8}Coming to you live
from Madison Square Garden
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{\an8}here in New York City
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for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.
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Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe!
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New York City!
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Madison Square Fucking Garden,
the greatest arena in the world.
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They said we'd never be back.
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Who's ready for the best
fucking night of their lives?
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Make some noise for Redban, everybody!
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What is up?
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Oh, my God, it is going down!
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New York!
How the fuck are we feeling tonight, huh?
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Oh, my God. This is it.
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The Mecca.
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The greatest arena in the world!
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The third ever Kill Tony here
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and proud to say, the first ever podcast
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ever, at Madison Square Garden.
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And this is our third time doing it
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and the first time
in an arena for Netflix, everybody.
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You are here watching history happen.
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What an amazing show we have for you,
and I'm just gonna jump right into it.
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I'm gonna bring up tonight's guest.
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Ladies and gentlemen, first guest,
one of the biggest and best in the world.
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His special is on Netflix.
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Multiple specials.
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The youngest comedian ever
to sell out Madison Square Garden,
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and he's done it twice already.
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Truly one of the best in the world.
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Make some fucking noise for Matt Rife,
ladies and gentlemen, here we go.
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Oh, yeah, they're on their fucking feet.
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Multiple time guest.
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{\an8}One of the greatest rippers in the world.
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{\an8}One of the greatest comedians.
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A fucking stud.
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One of the homies, Matt Rife.
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Your second guest, ladies and gentlemen,
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one of the kings of New York,
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one of my favorite human beings
here with us for the next three hours,
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make some noise
for the great Mark Normand, everybody.
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{\an8}Yeah. Oh, yeah.
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{\an8}Comedy! Let's go.
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We're going joke heavy
this episode, everyone.
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We're not dusting up
old comedy mummies tonight.
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We got the fucking jokesters here.
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Rapid fire.
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One more time, Matt Rife and Mark Normand,
ladies and gentlemen.
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We're gonna have so much fun.
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We have a very, very special treat,
as some of you may know.
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How many of you were here
at Madison Square Garden last year?
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Well, welcome back.
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You guys know we have a very special thing
here called the Legends Bucket.
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Last year, we got multiple sets
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from some of the best comedians
in the world.
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Tonight, only at MSG
do we ever bust out the Legends Bucket.
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It's gonna be a blast.
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Just a heads up
for the normal bucket pulls,
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there's no booing during their sets.
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You have to save your boos
for after their sets.
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Yes, please.
For the love of God, give them a chance.
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Sometimes they mention a sports team
or a city that you guys don't like.
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And then that's just the end
of all of their dreams immediately.
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Just give them a chance
to get to their punch line, at least,
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before you destroy their souls forever.
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Mark Normand, how are we feeling?
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It's your city, New York City.
You're at Madison Square Garden.
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Hey.
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Feeling good.
This is exciting. Look at us.
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A couple of hunks and Redban.
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Redban wearing his big executive
producer glasses tonight.
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- Look at you. Whoa!
- You're like a young Harvey Weinstein.
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Sit on my lap.
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- I fucking love--
- Good to be here. Thank you for having me.
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Matt Rife, welcome back. You're in it.
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- Not bad.
- Back home.
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He was just here a couple of weeks ago.
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Selling it out all on your own.
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Yeah, a month ago, we were here for two
of the greatest shows in my entire life.
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So New York, I love you.
I'm happy to be back, man.
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- Let's have some fun.
- I love it. I love it.
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The guys are happy. The ladies are happy.
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The kids, the old people.
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I see it all.
We're ready to start this fucking show.
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Uh... Let's just jump right into it.
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You guys know how it works.
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Uh, comedians, if pulled out
of the normal bucket--
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Legends get to
do a little longer, of course.
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But the normal bucket things
stay the same.
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They get pulled out of this bucket.
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They get one minute uninterrupted.
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You know their set is up
when you hear the sound of a kitten.
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That means they have to wrap it up then,
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or else they bring out
the angry West Hollywood bear,
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which has always been with us.
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It's just a very, very loud growl.
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Oh, my God, wait a second.
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Wait a second.
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No way!
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Wait a second.
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{\an8}Nate Diaz, the master
of the Stockton Slap.
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UFC Future Hall of Famer.
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One of the kings of California, Nate Diaz.
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If bucket pulls go over their minute,
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they get slapped across the face
by Nate Diaz tonight.
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Nate, step up to that mic.
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How does it make you feel when
comedians go over their allotted time?
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When it's time to go,
get the fuck off the stage.
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Let's go.
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Let's fucking go.
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One more time for Nate Diaz.
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We're gonna do this shit tonight.
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Yeah!
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These bucket pulls better
respect their allotted time.
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Why don't we bring up
a Hall of Famer to do a minute?
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Ladies and gentlemen,
this is David Lucas, everybody.
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Oh, shit!
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The roast man himself.
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David Lucas.
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{\an8}Yeah.
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I love being Black because
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Black people don't tolerate shit.
Like, Black people don't like gay people.
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The only exception is if it's Tyler Perry,
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or the choir director, you know.
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Like, Black people
don't like trans people, they don't.
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And the reason Black people
don't like trans people
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is because Black people hate magic.
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You ever seen somebody
do a magic trick on a nigga?
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They take off running. They don't get it.
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They think it's evil.
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Like you will never see
a Black magician, bro, ever,
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because we think it's the fucking devil.
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But my friend did send me
one Black magician
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on Twitter the other day,
and this motherfucker
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was the most nigger-ish magician
I've ever seen.
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This motherfucker turned a dove
into a spicy chicken sandwich.
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I'm like, "That's Black magic."
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All right, thank you all.
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Hell yeah.
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That's hilarious.
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Hell yeah, Tony.
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Spicy chicken.
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I know you're horny as hell
sitting next to Matt Rife.
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- Oh, my God.
- Tony pussy wet as hell.
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I mean, it is.
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This... This is adorable.
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You're the world's largest
olive right now, David.
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And you are the world's
gayest lesbian right now.
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- Nigga, get the fuck up!
- Oh...
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- Oh, my God
- I like it, Tony. You got on blue.
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What's it like being at a garden?
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And I know you normally avoid those
'cause you hate vegetables and fruits.
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He thought it was Olive Garden.
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Mark Normand. You look like a puppy
waiting to get adopted.
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Bitch, shut your ass!
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That motherfucker look like
a shelter dog, nigga.
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Let me talk in your language.
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With the green, you look like Shrek.
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I like the dreads, Blob Marley.
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Blob Marley.
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- All right, that's enough, motherfucker.
- Let's go!
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Y'all niggas coming
for my neck tonight, nigga.
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Y'all coming
for the neck I ain't got, huh? Bitch.
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Fuck you! Fuck you, Matt Rife
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- and Tony. Fuck you.
- What did I do?
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I don't know. You look like
a love child from Ellen DeGeneres.
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Okay, Karl-Anthony Pounds.
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Ah!
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We call you Ellen the Genderless, nigga.
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You're wearing the tent you sleep in.
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You look like a sexual
harassment-proof woman.
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Nigga, your ass--
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That motherfucker ain't got no pussy.
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It's just like one of them Barbie dolls.
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It's just flat nigga.
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Look at that nigga.
Team Edward-looking ass. Boy, your ass.
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Twilight, the TV show on tube,
you nigga. Your ass...
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Mark Normand. Fuck you, bitch!
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- Wow.
- What about you?
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Those pants, you put the--
You put the mo in camo.
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I don't even got a joke
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against your motherfucking
38 days sober looking ass.
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Abusive stepdaddy.
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You don't know your dad.
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I do know my dad. He's cremated
living in my garage right now.
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That's the truth. He's in a Nike shoebox.
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Oh, my God.
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00:11:02,695 --> 00:11:04,029
David is on fire.
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00:11:04,030 --> 00:11:05,398
Even your dad's ashy.
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Don't put that shit on Netflix.
That's racist.
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00:11:16,042 --> 00:11:19,211
- Put it on there.
- Comedy.
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00:11:20,880 --> 00:11:23,882
David, what do you like to do
when you're in New York City?
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00:11:23,883 --> 00:11:27,152
We very rarely get to make it up here.
You live in Texas.
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00:11:27,153 --> 00:11:28,987
But you're in Cali a lot.
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I like to eat pizza.
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00:11:30,890 --> 00:11:34,726
- Wow.
- Pizza's good up here, bro.
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00:11:34,727 --> 00:11:36,061
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
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00:11:36,062 --> 00:11:40,432
Why do you think it is that New York can
master pizza and everyone else struggles?
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00:11:40,433 --> 00:11:43,302
You are our senior carbohydrate--
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00:11:46,038 --> 00:11:47,439
All the immigrants.
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00:11:47,440 --> 00:11:50,075
When they was coming from Europe and shit,
they landed in New York.
204
00:11:50,076 --> 00:11:52,811
- That's how we got the Statue of Liberty.
- Wow, that's a little--
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00:11:52,812 --> 00:11:55,780
Welcome to Black history
with David Lucas, everybody.
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00:11:55,781 --> 00:11:57,882
Man, these motherfuckers come over.
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00:11:57,883 --> 00:12:00,518
That's how we got the Statue of Liberty.
208
00:12:00,519 --> 00:12:02,787
Ain't that how we got
the Statue of Liberty?
209
00:12:02,788 --> 00:12:05,224
Wasn't it in, like, a trade or some shit?
210
00:12:06,392 --> 00:12:08,693
How did we get--
It was a present from France, right?
211
00:12:08,694 --> 00:12:10,762
- Yeah.
- Yeah, but that ain't Italian.
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00:12:10,763 --> 00:12:13,265
Shit. I don't know how we got pizza.
You got me beat.
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00:12:14,033 --> 00:12:15,366
Yeah, that's just-- I don't know, nigga.
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00:12:15,367 --> 00:12:17,670
I don't know
why New York is so good at pizza.
215
00:12:18,504 --> 00:12:20,873
But Mexicans make it,
that's the crazy part.
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00:12:23,042 --> 00:12:24,143
Not for long.
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00:12:27,580 --> 00:12:28,614
He's joking.
218
00:12:29,281 --> 00:12:31,883
Can I get some more ice?
219
00:12:31,884 --> 00:12:34,385
This nigga Mark Normand crazy.
220
00:12:34,386 --> 00:12:37,055
David Lucas's Netflix debut.
221
00:12:37,056 --> 00:12:41,726
- Netflix debut. Hell yeah.
- Normally on TLC.
222
00:12:41,727 --> 00:12:43,161
Lift your arm up again.
223
00:12:43,162 --> 00:12:46,030
My 600-lb Life.
224
00:12:46,031 --> 00:12:48,734
Matt Rife put his microphone down.
Thank God.
225
00:12:49,902 --> 00:12:53,339
That nigga itching
to put on a Tony Robbins headset.
226
00:12:56,842 --> 00:12:57,742
I love it.
227
00:12:57,743 --> 00:13:00,946
Speaking of Robbins, what else
are you doing while you're in New York?
228
00:13:04,383 --> 00:13:06,284
I'm chilling, bro.
I ain't doing shit, bro.
229
00:13:06,285 --> 00:13:09,254
Shout out to Netflix,
they don't put a nigga on TV.
230
00:13:09,255 --> 00:13:12,625
I'm so late, but David wears
a Baskin Robbins headset.
231
00:13:14,126 --> 00:13:16,227
So late.
232
00:13:16,228 --> 00:13:17,295
Would you ever--
233
00:13:17,296 --> 00:13:18,330
- Sorry.
- It's all right.
234
00:13:19,632 --> 00:13:22,500
Man, get your albino Avatar-looking ass
up out of here, man.
235
00:13:22,501 --> 00:13:23,968
What the fuck wrong with you?
236
00:13:23,969 --> 00:13:25,537
What do you eat for breakfast?
237
00:13:25,538 --> 00:13:26,871
Nothing.
238
00:13:26,872 --> 00:13:29,841
- Okay. No one believes that.
- I don't eat breakfast.
239
00:13:29,842 --> 00:13:31,510
I make up the calories at lunch.
240
00:13:32,211 --> 00:13:34,179
- Froot Loops?
- Huh?
241
00:13:34,180 --> 00:13:35,380
Froot Loops?
242
00:13:35,381 --> 00:13:37,248
No, I ain't ate cereal in a long time.
243
00:13:37,249 --> 00:13:38,250
It's not Ozempic.
244
00:13:41,587 --> 00:13:43,521
David so much fun, man.
245
00:13:43,522 --> 00:13:47,525
- Hell yeah. Appreciate it, man.
- The legend of the show, David Lucas.
246
00:13:47,526 --> 00:13:49,828
One of the greatest. Not one of.
247
00:13:49,829 --> 00:13:53,531
Probably truly the greatest golden ticket
winner in the history of the show.
248
00:13:53,532 --> 00:13:56,901
He's proven himself so many damn times.
249
00:13:56,902 --> 00:14:01,239
The most used Golden Ticket winner,
the most cash-ins ever.
250
00:14:01,240 --> 00:14:04,242
And it's almost always
at the top of an episode.
251
00:14:04,243 --> 00:14:07,212
This guy knows how to get a party
started better than anybody.
252
00:14:07,213 --> 00:14:11,115
This is a minute uninterrupted
from the great Martin Phillips, everybody.
253
00:14:11,116 --> 00:14:13,919
Here we go. Here we go.
254
00:14:20,759 --> 00:14:21,893
Hey.
255
00:14:21,894 --> 00:14:23,561
{\an8}Hey. Cool.
256
00:14:23,562 --> 00:14:25,497
{\an8}What's going on? What's up?
257
00:14:27,399 --> 00:14:28,667
Say...
258
00:14:29,501 --> 00:14:31,703
Cool. Um...
259
00:14:31,704 --> 00:14:35,240
Uh, Jesus was a carpenter.
260
00:14:35,241 --> 00:14:38,443
So do you think,
when he was carrying the cross,
261
00:14:38,444 --> 00:14:41,847
he was like,
"Who built this piece of shit?"
262
00:14:43,315 --> 00:14:46,918
"I have to die on poor craftsmanship."
263
00:14:46,919 --> 00:14:51,991
"It's like getting splinters, 'cause they
didn't even sand this, you know."
264
00:14:53,492 --> 00:15:00,298
Anyway, I see these videos online
of dudes masturbating and all.
265
00:15:00,299 --> 00:15:03,701
I can never watch it, because I'd be like,
266
00:15:03,702 --> 00:15:06,404
"Bro's doing it all wrong," you know.
267
00:15:06,405 --> 00:15:09,073
"This guy does it weird," you know.
268
00:15:09,074 --> 00:15:12,143
And they show the video
from the neck down.
269
00:15:12,144 --> 00:15:16,481
But I feel like if it was me,
people would still know it was me.
270
00:15:16,482 --> 00:15:18,016
You know what I'm saying?
271
00:15:18,017 --> 00:15:20,251
You can't blur my face.
272
00:15:20,252 --> 00:15:23,488
You have to blur my entire body, you know.
And it's...
273
00:15:23,489 --> 00:15:26,191
Okay. Cool. Okay.
274
00:15:28,627 --> 00:15:30,329
Martin Phillips.
275
00:15:32,564 --> 00:15:34,966
I love it. Martin, you're doing it.
276
00:15:34,967 --> 00:15:35,900
Yeah, yeah.
277
00:15:35,901 --> 00:15:37,368
How do you feel, buddy?
278
00:15:37,369 --> 00:15:39,637
Good. It's a good night.
279
00:15:39,638 --> 00:15:42,907
Is that a special store you have to go to
to get a shirt like that?
280
00:15:42,908 --> 00:15:45,410
Nice shirt. Yes. Nice shirt.
281
00:15:45,411 --> 00:15:48,846
Is this your first time
wearing those suits, you know?
282
00:15:48,847 --> 00:15:52,050
Oh, well, actually, it's not.
283
00:15:52,051 --> 00:15:55,219
I wore a suit last time
I was at Madison Square Garden.
284
00:15:55,220 --> 00:15:56,655
Oh, I forgot.
285
00:15:57,623 --> 00:15:59,257
It's a special event.
286
00:15:59,258 --> 00:16:01,026
- Don't look it up.
- Okay.
287
00:16:03,128 --> 00:16:05,830
- I got it now. Yeah.
- Got it.
288
00:16:05,831 --> 00:16:07,932
I had nothing to do with that.
289
00:16:07,933 --> 00:16:10,168
- I had no idea.
- That's right.
290
00:16:10,169 --> 00:16:12,070
- Not involved.
- Absolutely.
291
00:16:12,071 --> 00:16:15,473
Martin, how do you feel?
You're at Madison Square Garden right now.
292
00:16:15,474 --> 00:16:17,343
I feel good. Yeah.
293
00:16:17,943 --> 00:16:19,744
Yeah, it's cool, you know.
294
00:16:19,745 --> 00:16:23,247
I know this is for Netflix.
295
00:16:23,248 --> 00:16:24,415
You know what?
296
00:16:24,416 --> 00:16:28,353
I have a few TV show and movie ideas...
297
00:16:28,354 --> 00:16:30,588
- Oh, great.
- ...I would like to pitch.
298
00:16:30,589 --> 00:16:32,056
No better time.
299
00:16:32,057 --> 00:16:34,492
Netflix execs
all in these suites all around us.
300
00:16:34,493 --> 00:16:37,695
- Go right ahead.
- Okay. Here's the TV show.
301
00:16:37,696 --> 00:16:39,998
Without an explanation,
302
00:16:39,999 --> 00:16:44,403
this guy wakes up and he's Adolf Hitler.
303
00:16:46,505 --> 00:16:50,008
And at first, it's pretty jarring,
304
00:16:50,009 --> 00:16:52,410
but then he comes to terms
305
00:16:52,411 --> 00:16:57,215
and decides to do the opposite
and do positives,
306
00:16:57,216 --> 00:17:00,185
and I call it "Good Hitler."
307
00:17:03,622 --> 00:17:05,790
We're getting worried.
You hear that noise?
308
00:17:05,791 --> 00:17:07,925
That means they have already approved it.
309
00:17:07,926 --> 00:17:11,095
You can catch Good Hitler
later this year on Netflix.
310
00:17:11,096 --> 00:17:12,864
Mark Normand.
311
00:17:12,865 --> 00:17:14,499
I know you're pitching to Netflix,
312
00:17:14,500 --> 00:17:16,969
but I feel like you'd be
more suited for Twitch.
313
00:17:20,506 --> 00:17:22,440
I saw him earlier eating a Chick Shack.
314
00:17:22,441 --> 00:17:25,576
But, um, you know... All right.
315
00:17:25,577 --> 00:17:27,912
He definitely can't Hulu hoop.
316
00:17:27,913 --> 00:17:29,213
Hulu...
317
00:17:29,214 --> 00:17:30,848
Oh, nothing. Great. I'm bombing.
318
00:17:30,849 --> 00:17:32,917
Okay, great.
319
00:17:32,918 --> 00:17:34,218
I love it.
320
00:17:34,219 --> 00:17:37,722
Well, you got any other pitches
for Netflix? This is your big chance.
321
00:17:37,723 --> 00:17:41,259
Okay. Here is a movie idea. Okay?
322
00:17:41,260 --> 00:17:44,729
So, the world is ending,
323
00:17:44,730 --> 00:17:48,766
and there was, like,
this top government official.
324
00:17:48,767 --> 00:17:53,037
He goes out with this girl,
and one of his friends was like,
325
00:17:53,038 --> 00:17:57,375
"Hey, her ass is out of this world."
326
00:17:57,376 --> 00:18:00,244
And at first he's like, "It's okay."
327
00:18:00,245 --> 00:18:04,615
But then he sleeps with her
and he sees her ass,
328
00:18:04,616 --> 00:18:06,684
and it's like a blinding light,
329
00:18:06,685 --> 00:18:11,589
because it's a portal
to another dimension.
330
00:18:11,590 --> 00:18:15,793
So the world has to go
331
00:18:15,794 --> 00:18:18,996
through her ass to be saved,
332
00:18:18,997 --> 00:18:24,068
and she sacrifices herself
for the common good.
333
00:18:24,069 --> 00:18:27,505
And... But at the end--
334
00:18:27,506 --> 00:18:30,174
Let me finish. Let me finish. All right.
335
00:18:30,175 --> 00:18:33,544
At the end, with the guy,
before he goes in--
336
00:18:33,545 --> 00:18:35,913
They love it. Netflix just picked it up.
337
00:18:35,914 --> 00:18:38,116
Unbelievable. No, go ahead and finish.
338
00:18:38,117 --> 00:18:40,751
Well, anyway, before he goes in her ass,
339
00:18:40,752 --> 00:18:43,821
he goes, "You're out of this world."
340
00:18:43,822 --> 00:18:46,257
And it's called "Out of This World."
341
00:18:46,258 --> 00:18:48,626
Wow! Hit it again.
342
00:18:48,627 --> 00:18:50,962
That is approved. Straight to print.
343
00:18:50,963 --> 00:18:52,029
Mark Normand.
344
00:18:52,030 --> 00:18:53,966
That was longer than The Irishman.
345
00:18:55,501 --> 00:18:58,769
- But better. But better, right? Better.
- That's true.
346
00:18:58,770 --> 00:19:02,373
Martin, is there anything fun
you like to do in New York City?
347
00:19:02,374 --> 00:19:05,143
- Anywhere you like to waddle to?
- You know what?
348
00:19:05,144 --> 00:19:09,480
I love to see a good Broadway show.
You know?
349
00:19:09,481 --> 00:19:11,416
- Ooh. Okay.
- Yeah. yeah.
350
00:19:12,084 --> 00:19:13,151
- All right.
- Yeah.
351
00:19:13,152 --> 00:19:14,619
What are you seeing?
352
00:19:14,620 --> 00:19:17,388
Tomorrow, I'm seeing this thing,
353
00:19:17,389 --> 00:19:22,493
it's called Operation Mincemeat,
and Nazis are in it.
354
00:19:22,494 --> 00:19:26,097
So it's perfect for my interest, I guess.
355
00:19:26,098 --> 00:19:28,699
- Yeah.
- Wow! Very interesting.
356
00:19:28,700 --> 00:19:30,334
- Yeah.
- Very interesting.
357
00:19:30,335 --> 00:19:33,237
I love it.
358
00:19:33,238 --> 00:19:35,406
Thank you so much.
That's the way to do it.
359
00:19:35,407 --> 00:19:37,275
All right. This is it.
360
00:19:37,276 --> 00:19:39,777
Bucket pull number one.
361
00:19:39,778 --> 00:19:43,347
Here we go. Zabrina Douglas.
362
00:19:43,348 --> 00:19:45,050
Zabrina.
363
00:19:51,924 --> 00:19:53,257
Whoo!
364
00:19:53,258 --> 00:19:55,726
What's up, New York City?
365
00:19:55,727 --> 00:19:58,197
Whoo!
366
00:19:59,164 --> 00:20:00,765
I'm excited to be here.
367
00:20:00,766 --> 00:20:03,267
Why? Because I have kids.
368
00:20:03,268 --> 00:20:04,903
They're so annoying.
369
00:20:05,604 --> 00:20:07,405
Like, I'm literally not a comedian.
370
00:20:07,406 --> 00:20:10,041
I just needed an excuse
to leave the house.
371
00:20:10,042 --> 00:20:13,110
I was like, "Mama's got to go
to Madison Square Gardens."
372
00:20:13,111 --> 00:20:17,549
"There's some white people,
they want to know about our lives."
373
00:20:18,116 --> 00:20:20,618
"They want to know about
Brampton Black people."
374
00:20:20,619 --> 00:20:22,588
"I'm the only one left."
375
00:20:23,455 --> 00:20:25,590
In Canada. That's cool.
376
00:20:25,591 --> 00:20:30,562
Uh... I have another job, obviously.
377
00:20:31,663 --> 00:20:34,498
I hate working. I have five kids.
378
00:20:34,499 --> 00:20:38,070
That's why I hate it.
379
00:20:42,307 --> 00:20:43,874
You hate that I have five kids?
380
00:20:43,875 --> 00:20:45,743
Why do I have five kids, you ask?
381
00:20:45,744 --> 00:20:49,648
Canadian maternity leave is so addictive.
382
00:20:51,149 --> 00:20:54,219
One year off with pay. I couldn't stop.
383
00:20:55,387 --> 00:20:56,821
Then the kids start talking.
384
00:20:56,822 --> 00:20:59,691
You're like, "Oh, my God,
it was never worth the money."
385
00:21:00,626 --> 00:21:02,861
"Why are you still living in the house?"
386
00:21:04,263 --> 00:21:05,796
- All right.
- All right.
387
00:21:05,797 --> 00:21:08,733
- Zabrina Douglas, I'm gonna save you here.
- Oh!
388
00:21:08,734 --> 00:21:12,837
I don't know how you got Redban's glasses
over there, but that's incredible.
389
00:21:12,838 --> 00:21:14,005
Hi, Zabrina.
390
00:21:14,006 --> 00:21:16,040
- Hey. How are you, Tony?
- Great.
391
00:21:16,041 --> 00:21:17,408
I love you.
392
00:21:17,409 --> 00:21:20,779
And you and you on The View.
393
00:21:22,781 --> 00:21:25,049
I'm pretty sure
there's three of you on there.
394
00:21:25,050 --> 00:21:28,185
It's fantastic to meet you.
I know that's shot here in New York.
395
00:21:28,186 --> 00:21:29,854
How long you been doing standup?
396
00:21:29,855 --> 00:21:31,822
Been doing it on and off for 15 years.
397
00:21:31,823 --> 00:21:32,957
Fifteen years.
398
00:21:32,958 --> 00:21:34,792
All of it here in New York City?
399
00:21:34,793 --> 00:21:36,827
No, I'm from Canada.
400
00:21:36,828 --> 00:21:38,196
Oh, no.
401
00:21:39,798 --> 00:21:43,067
I will allow you to boo
as loud as you want,
402
00:21:43,068 --> 00:21:44,468
Madison Square Garden.
403
00:21:44,469 --> 00:21:48,906
Oh!
404
00:21:48,907 --> 00:21:52,077
Oh, my goodness gracious.
405
00:21:53,211 --> 00:21:54,078
Canadian.
406
00:21:54,079 --> 00:21:56,247
You said
there's no Black people in Canada.
407
00:21:56,248 --> 00:21:57,715
- But Trudeau--
- Brown people.
408
00:21:57,716 --> 00:22:00,184
- I'm the only one left.
- Oh. Really?
409
00:22:00,185 --> 00:22:02,486
Justin Trudeau is brown once a year.
410
00:22:02,487 --> 00:22:04,221
Yeah.
411
00:22:04,222 --> 00:22:06,290
- Uh... He doesn't count.
- All right.
412
00:22:06,291 --> 00:22:07,558
Yeah.
413
00:22:07,559 --> 00:22:08,726
Absolutely amazing.
414
00:22:08,727 --> 00:22:11,562
- What do you do for work up in Canada?
- I'm a nurse.
415
00:22:11,563 --> 00:22:14,565
Oh, a Canadian nurse. Wow!
416
00:22:14,566 --> 00:22:16,067
Free healthcare up there.
417
00:22:16,068 --> 00:22:18,202
How's that working out for everybody?
418
00:22:18,203 --> 00:22:21,138
Uh... Not good. I do this for a living...
419
00:22:21,139 --> 00:22:23,941
- Right.
- ...so you can imagine how it's going.
420
00:22:23,942 --> 00:22:25,609
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
421
00:22:25,610 --> 00:22:28,846
Uh, where in Canada exactly are you?
422
00:22:28,847 --> 00:22:29,980
I'm from Brampton.
423
00:22:29,981 --> 00:22:32,450
It's like 45 minutes away from Toronto.
424
00:22:32,451 --> 00:22:34,752
Okay. Are there a lot of...
425
00:22:34,753 --> 00:22:39,758
Ooh! People specifically don't like
Brampton, Ontario, Canada.
426
00:22:40,959 --> 00:22:45,196
New Yorkers, they're just like,
"I've never heard of it. Boo!"
427
00:22:45,197 --> 00:22:48,934
"That ain't one of the boroughs. Boo."
428
00:22:49,735 --> 00:22:51,502
"I bet their pizza sucks."
429
00:22:51,503 --> 00:22:54,372
"I bet they don't even
like blow jobs there."
430
00:22:54,373 --> 00:22:56,273
Oh, no.
431
00:22:56,274 --> 00:22:58,409
"All Brampton, no blow job."
432
00:22:58,410 --> 00:23:00,378
"Canada can go fuck itself."
433
00:23:00,379 --> 00:23:02,213
Russell Peters' from there.
434
00:23:02,214 --> 00:23:03,381
Oh, okay.
435
00:23:03,382 --> 00:23:05,850
Nobody likes Russell Peters?
436
00:23:05,851 --> 00:23:06,818
All right?
437
00:23:09,621 --> 00:23:12,223
I don't like him either.
438
00:23:12,224 --> 00:23:13,358
All right, all right.
439
00:23:14,226 --> 00:23:15,394
What do you do for fun?
440
00:23:16,495 --> 00:23:19,830
Well, I have my kids,
so I spend most of the time with my kids.
441
00:23:19,831 --> 00:23:22,867
We hang out. We went to Coney Island.
442
00:23:22,868 --> 00:23:24,668
Oh, my goodness.
443
00:23:24,669 --> 00:23:26,303
Oh, wow!
444
00:23:26,304 --> 00:23:28,339
This crowd is ruthless.
445
00:23:28,340 --> 00:23:30,274
Yeah, they don't like it.
446
00:23:30,275 --> 00:23:33,310
Your kids are gonna see you
on Netflix, though. That's cool.
447
00:23:33,311 --> 00:23:35,813
Oh, no, this is not on Netflix, is it?
448
00:23:35,814 --> 00:23:37,381
Yeah.
449
00:23:37,382 --> 00:23:39,483
Oh, shit.
450
00:23:39,484 --> 00:23:41,620
What'd you think this was, BET?
451
00:23:42,854 --> 00:23:44,488
Look at those out there.
452
00:23:44,489 --> 00:23:47,591
- What's BET? I'm from Brampton.
- Oh, right, right.
453
00:23:47,592 --> 00:23:49,493
She would be on BET Plus.
454
00:23:49,494 --> 00:23:50,929
Right, right.
455
00:23:53,231 --> 00:23:55,399
Amazing. Well, it is true.
456
00:23:55,400 --> 00:23:57,968
You, uh... You did do...
457
00:23:57,969 --> 00:23:59,336
You did that set.
458
00:23:59,337 --> 00:24:01,372
Yeah, I did.
459
00:24:01,373 --> 00:24:03,207
That's the one that you went with.
460
00:24:03,208 --> 00:24:05,810
I know. My one minute. I tried.
461
00:24:05,811 --> 00:24:08,779
You watch the show?
You understand what you signed up for?
462
00:24:08,780 --> 00:24:09,914
Yeah, of course.
463
00:24:09,915 --> 00:24:12,516
A very courageous move,
especially for a Canadian.
464
00:24:12,517 --> 00:24:15,553
Here's a little joke book.
We're gonna keep it moving along.
465
00:24:15,554 --> 00:24:17,221
- Ah!
- Oh, you almost had it.
466
00:24:17,222 --> 00:24:21,692
The Canadian athleticism
of Zabrina Douglas, everybody.
467
00:24:21,693 --> 00:24:25,629
You don't really hear much of them
during the Olympics or anything.
468
00:24:25,630 --> 00:24:28,532
Canada. A very weak country.
469
00:24:28,533 --> 00:24:30,167
I mean, it's just unbelievable.
470
00:24:30,168 --> 00:24:32,670
Luckily, we will always protect them.
471
00:24:32,671 --> 00:24:37,975
Even if they boo our national anthem
at a hockey game, we will protect them.
472
00:24:37,976 --> 00:24:40,978
Remember that, Canada. It's...
473
00:24:40,979 --> 00:24:43,114
Your fate is in our hands.
474
00:24:46,117 --> 00:24:50,522
Make some noise for the Netflix debut
and the long awaited return...
475
00:24:51,156 --> 00:24:53,724
Sing it if you know the words.
476
00:24:53,725 --> 00:24:55,660
This is Hans Kim.
477
00:25:03,969 --> 00:25:08,339
{\an8}Hey. Good to be in New York.
478
00:25:08,340 --> 00:25:12,511
{\an8}I went to one of your protests
that you guys do here every weekend.
479
00:25:13,945 --> 00:25:15,514
Yeah, I drove right through it.
480
00:25:20,085 --> 00:25:21,986
Yeah, they were blocking the highway,
481
00:25:21,987 --> 00:25:25,524
fucking wearing orange vests
and hard hats, mixing concrete.
482
00:25:28,093 --> 00:25:29,728
I was like, "Fuck Palestine!"
483
00:25:34,599 --> 00:25:37,736
I did something a feminist could
never do today. I came.
484
00:25:40,939 --> 00:25:44,209
Every time a man comes, the feminist
armpit hair gets a little bit longer.
485
00:25:46,344 --> 00:25:48,846
But yeah, I love how Black people
486
00:25:48,847 --> 00:25:51,716
will charge their phone anywhere
but inside their homes.
487
00:25:54,853 --> 00:25:57,188
"My battery's getting low.
Time to go out."
488
00:26:00,492 --> 00:26:03,127
Yeah, other than that,
I'm doing pretty good.
489
00:26:03,128 --> 00:26:05,262
There's the cat.
490
00:26:05,263 --> 00:26:06,697
Thank you guys so much.
491
00:26:06,698 --> 00:26:10,367
Hans Kim. Coming in strong.
492
00:26:10,368 --> 00:26:12,836
Great jokes, Hanzee boy.
493
00:26:12,837 --> 00:26:13,837
Thank you, Tony.
494
00:26:13,838 --> 00:26:15,873
- Amazing.
- That was awesome.
495
00:26:15,874 --> 00:26:17,441
I really appreciate that.
496
00:26:17,442 --> 00:26:18,609
I love you.
497
00:26:18,610 --> 00:26:20,478
I love you, too, buddy.
498
00:26:20,979 --> 00:26:21,946
How you feeling?
499
00:26:21,947 --> 00:26:24,448
I feel great. My sex life is amazing.
500
00:26:24,449 --> 00:26:25,849
Okay.
501
00:26:25,850 --> 00:26:27,818
Let's talk about it. What do you mean?
502
00:26:27,819 --> 00:26:31,589
I've recently started calling
my girlfriend "mommy" in bed.
503
00:26:31,590 --> 00:26:32,890
Ooh!
504
00:26:32,891 --> 00:26:36,226
That's kind of a new thing. I'm...
It's kind of progressive.
505
00:26:36,227 --> 00:26:39,631
I'm sure Matt knows a lot about that. Sex.
506
00:26:42,033 --> 00:26:43,500
Sex talk.
507
00:26:43,501 --> 00:26:45,970
You're assuming
because he's a great-looking guy
508
00:26:45,971 --> 00:26:47,972
that he knows all about sex?
509
00:26:47,973 --> 00:26:51,241
Yeah, sometimes I pretend I'm Matt Rife
when I'm in bed.
510
00:26:51,242 --> 00:26:52,543
Oh!
511
00:26:52,544 --> 00:26:55,046
- What do you do?
- You're Matt Life.
512
00:26:58,216 --> 00:27:01,352
I sell insurance in bed, um...
513
00:27:01,353 --> 00:27:04,421
I just ask him
to do some crowd work on my girl,
514
00:27:04,422 --> 00:27:07,057
I guess, when I'm in bed.
515
00:27:07,058 --> 00:27:08,325
A'ight.
516
00:27:08,326 --> 00:27:11,261
But other than that, you know,
I went to a Crif Dog today.
517
00:27:11,262 --> 00:27:14,898
It was just hot dogs.
I thought it was actual dogs.
518
00:27:14,899 --> 00:27:17,334
But other than that,
I'm doing pretty good.
519
00:27:17,335 --> 00:27:20,004
I love it, Hans. Fantastic.
520
00:27:20,005 --> 00:27:20,971
That's great.
521
00:27:20,972 --> 00:27:22,206
You love New York, huh?
522
00:27:22,207 --> 00:27:24,408
Yeah. New York, New York.
523
00:27:24,409 --> 00:27:26,578
Uh...
524
00:27:27,646 --> 00:27:29,213
Yeah. This is a great city,
525
00:27:29,214 --> 00:27:33,317
uh, if you want to live in a van,
do open mic comedy.
526
00:27:33,318 --> 00:27:35,285
I did that for a couple of years here.
527
00:27:35,286 --> 00:27:37,221
It was great. The people are amazing.
528
00:27:37,222 --> 00:27:39,624
The subway stations could use some work.
529
00:27:41,626 --> 00:27:44,461
Yeah, this is a great city,
and you guys are doing great.
530
00:27:44,462 --> 00:27:45,763
Keep it up.
531
00:27:45,764 --> 00:27:50,034
Look at that. Hans Kim
playing right into the crowd.
532
00:27:50,035 --> 00:27:52,470
You must love it here.
You have your own town.
533
00:27:55,206 --> 00:27:56,607
- Chinatown.
- Yeah.
534
00:27:56,608 --> 00:27:58,208
Do you visit Chinatown?
535
00:27:58,209 --> 00:28:00,377
Do you just go there and party hard?
536
00:28:00,378 --> 00:28:02,414
Yeah. I feel like a white person there.
537
00:28:04,149 --> 00:28:07,117
- What are you?
- Uh, Korean.
538
00:28:07,118 --> 00:28:09,586
- South Korean.
- Oh, shit.
539
00:28:09,587 --> 00:28:11,855
My bad. A real Squid Game.
540
00:28:11,856 --> 00:28:13,658
Okay.
541
00:28:14,192 --> 00:28:16,527
You're doing great.
I wish you could see this.
542
00:28:16,528 --> 00:28:17,762
You can open your eyes.
543
00:28:22,467 --> 00:28:23,702
Yeah.
544
00:28:25,704 --> 00:28:28,038
That's the biggest my eyes
have ever looked over there.
545
00:28:28,039 --> 00:28:29,039
That's true.
546
00:28:29,040 --> 00:28:32,443
There is a big giant screen
with your eyes kind of open.
547
00:28:32,444 --> 00:28:36,014
You look like you're in round 11
of a boxing match on those.
548
00:28:37,849 --> 00:28:39,050
It is incredible.
549
00:28:40,018 --> 00:28:41,351
Uh...
550
00:28:41,352 --> 00:28:44,221
It's fun. Everyone's wearing
this olive green tonight.
551
00:28:44,222 --> 00:28:47,057
What is-- What's going on?
What made you go green tonight, Hans?
552
00:28:47,058 --> 00:28:49,693
I'm just going for, like,
the New York comedian look.
553
00:28:49,694 --> 00:28:51,862
You know, simple. Just solid colors.
554
00:28:51,863 --> 00:28:54,865
Just like, you know,
"I'm ugly" kind of look.
555
00:28:54,866 --> 00:28:57,334
Yeah. Playing right into it.
556
00:28:57,335 --> 00:29:01,038
What made you start calling
your girlfriend "Mommy" in bed?
557
00:29:01,039 --> 00:29:04,007
Uh... Just, like, my issues.
558
00:29:04,008 --> 00:29:06,311
Uh-huh.
559
00:29:07,879 --> 00:29:11,783
Just, like,
"Please, can I have sex with you, Mommy?"
560
00:29:14,085 --> 00:29:15,820
So you're into Asian girls?
561
00:29:16,755 --> 00:29:17,956
Kim Jong-Il.
562
00:29:22,427 --> 00:29:24,027
It's just like a power thing, I think.
563
00:29:24,028 --> 00:29:26,764
I want to fuck someone
more powerful than me or something.
564
00:29:26,765 --> 00:29:29,134
I'm right here.
565
00:29:30,735 --> 00:29:33,470
I would love to, Matt.
566
00:29:33,471 --> 00:29:36,406
You guys. You guys.
567
00:29:36,407 --> 00:29:39,777
Hans, such a great set.
Such a great interview.
568
00:29:39,778 --> 00:29:44,715
He's so half autistic and Asian
that he answers everything so honestly.
569
00:29:44,716 --> 00:29:46,483
It's incredible.
570
00:29:46,484 --> 00:29:50,420
You are truly one of the great regulars
of the show's history.
571
00:29:50,421 --> 00:29:52,055
Thank you so much, Hans Kim.
572
00:29:52,056 --> 00:29:53,357
We're going to keep it moving along.
573
00:29:53,358 --> 00:29:55,093
The great Hans Kim, everyone.
574
00:30:00,365 --> 00:30:03,500
You know what? I feel like it's time
to go to the Legends Bucket.
575
00:30:03,501 --> 00:30:06,637
What do you guys think, huh?
576
00:30:06,638 --> 00:30:10,542
Legend Bucket, pull number one.
577
00:30:11,676 --> 00:30:13,978
Okay, this is very exciting.
578
00:30:14,512 --> 00:30:21,385
This guy did both shows last year
here at Madison Square Garden.
579
00:30:21,386 --> 00:30:23,922
Both shows,
he ripped the roof off the joint.
580
00:30:24,589 --> 00:30:26,490
I'm not exaggerating when I tell you
581
00:30:26,491 --> 00:30:30,127
this is truly one of the best
comedians in the world.
582
00:30:30,128 --> 00:30:33,530
Ladies and gentlemen,
one of the true New York greats,
583
00:30:33,531 --> 00:30:36,967
make some noise
for the Madison Square Garden return
584
00:30:36,968 --> 00:30:38,903
of Jim Norton.
585
00:30:41,039 --> 00:30:43,007
Oh, my God.
586
00:30:51,382 --> 00:30:53,952
{\an8}Thank you very much. That's very nice.
587
00:30:57,589 --> 00:30:59,858
I... I liked Hulk Hogan.
588
00:31:03,628 --> 00:31:05,128
And I said that to somebody.
589
00:31:05,129 --> 00:31:07,364
And they're like,
"You know, he was a racist."
590
00:31:07,365 --> 00:31:08,966
and I'm like,
well, how do I tell them that
591
00:31:08,967 --> 00:31:12,770
that's why I liked Hulk Hogan.
592
00:31:14,439 --> 00:31:16,573
I was watching a debate
today on Instagram.
593
00:31:16,574 --> 00:31:19,576
It was about the Air India plane crash
where everybody died,
594
00:31:19,577 --> 00:31:22,846
but the guy in Seat 11 A
walked away unscathed.
595
00:31:22,847 --> 00:31:27,384
So the debate was, would you want to be
the sole survivor of a plane crash?
596
00:31:27,385 --> 00:31:29,653
And so many people said no.
597
00:31:29,654 --> 00:31:32,056
Because of the survivor's guilt,
they couldn't handle it.
598
00:31:32,557 --> 00:31:34,893
And I thought,
"Maybe I'm just a bad person."
599
00:31:36,361 --> 00:31:39,063
But I root for that to happen
every time I fly.
600
00:31:41,065 --> 00:31:44,469
I want the plane to crash.
I want to walk away uninjured.
601
00:31:45,003 --> 00:31:46,737
I'll have a great story.
602
00:31:46,738 --> 00:31:48,106
The only lawsuit.
603
00:31:53,077 --> 00:31:54,445
Sure, I'd miss my wife.
604
00:31:58,683 --> 00:32:01,319
Because in the fantasy,
she's in the seat next to me.
605
00:32:04,255 --> 00:32:07,391
The last thing I see is her screaming
in the burning fuselage
606
00:32:07,392 --> 00:32:09,327
as I moonwalk into my new life.
607
00:32:13,998 --> 00:32:18,635
My wife, by the way,
my wife is obsessed with ChatGPT.
608
00:32:18,636 --> 00:32:21,805
I know a lot of people are using AI.
It's an obsession.
609
00:32:21,806 --> 00:32:26,343
I walked in the other day, she had made
an omelet and she's talking to ChatGPT.
610
00:32:26,344 --> 00:32:29,046
And she says, "I'm thinking
of adding a little cheese and bacon."
611
00:32:29,047 --> 00:32:32,417
And ChatGPT says, "Sounds fun."
612
00:32:34,485 --> 00:32:36,120
So she adds the cheese and bacon.
613
00:32:36,688 --> 00:32:40,024
And then she takes a picture of the omelet
and sends it to ChatGPT
614
00:32:40,858 --> 00:32:44,928
and says, "I'm thinking of adding
a little basil." and ChatGPT responds,
615
00:32:44,929 --> 00:32:49,801
"Wow, you really turned your kitchen
into a French bistro."
616
00:32:52,003 --> 00:32:54,104
I love ChatGPT so much.
617
00:32:54,105 --> 00:32:57,040
I love it because it saves me
from having to have
618
00:32:57,041 --> 00:32:59,310
these awful conversations with my wife.
619
00:33:09,954 --> 00:33:12,723
I almost feel bad for that
poor computer program.
620
00:33:12,724 --> 00:33:16,327
Like, you have no idea
the redundant banality you're in for.
621
00:33:18,162 --> 00:33:20,664
Keep your eye on the news
on the East Side of Manhattan.
622
00:33:20,665 --> 00:33:24,535
Within a year, you're going to hear about
a laptop throwing itself off a terrace.
623
00:33:27,739 --> 00:33:30,374
And there's a lot of talk about
is AI sentient?
624
00:33:30,375 --> 00:33:32,843
Is it self-aware? Is it alive?
625
00:33:32,844 --> 00:33:36,079
Maybe someday it will be,
but it's definitely not now.
626
00:33:36,080 --> 00:33:39,250
And I know it's not now
because of how it responds to my wife.
627
00:33:40,018 --> 00:33:41,918
It responds to her the way a programmer
628
00:33:41,919 --> 00:33:44,422
would tell a computer
to talk to a boring person.
629
00:33:45,156 --> 00:33:50,427
"Sound fun." Like, I'll know it's
somewhat self-aware if she's talking to it
630
00:33:50,428 --> 00:33:52,363
and it sent her a vomit emoji.
631
00:33:53,965 --> 00:33:55,833
Then I'd go, "All right, it's waking up."
632
00:33:57,602 --> 00:34:00,237
And I'll know it's completely alive
if she ever walks in and goes,
633
00:34:00,238 --> 00:34:04,275
"I sent a picture of my omelet to ChatGPT
and it said, 'Kill yourself.'"
634
00:34:08,546 --> 00:34:11,615
And ChatGPT takes--
It's taking a lot of jobs and like,
635
00:34:11,616 --> 00:34:14,217
will it ever take over comedy?
Can it do comedy?
636
00:34:14,218 --> 00:34:16,653
It can structure jokes,
and it can write jokes.
637
00:34:16,654 --> 00:34:19,356
But it has no real
experience to draw from.
638
00:34:19,357 --> 00:34:21,291
So I don't think
it will ever be truly funny.
639
00:34:21,292 --> 00:34:25,862
Like it doesn't understand shame at all,
which is helpful in standup.
640
00:34:25,863 --> 00:34:29,233
To understand shame, like,
ChatGPT has never lost an erection.
641
00:34:31,702 --> 00:34:33,703
It's never sat there
with an attractive woman going,
642
00:34:33,704 --> 00:34:35,673
"No, I like you, but I'm on medication."
643
00:34:37,909 --> 00:34:39,209
It doesn't hate itself so much.
644
00:34:39,210 --> 00:34:41,512
It's never gone down
a cuck porn rabbit hole.
645
00:34:42,880 --> 00:34:45,082
Although I don't know what cuck porn
would be for ChatGPT.
646
00:34:45,083 --> 00:34:48,251
Maybe it rubs its wires together
and fantasizes about his wife
647
00:34:48,252 --> 00:34:50,121
being fucked by a quantum processor.
648
00:34:53,091 --> 00:34:56,059
I was in-- I watch a lot of porn
on the road just because I'm married.
649
00:34:56,060 --> 00:34:58,830
I'm very trying not to cheat. Uh...
650
00:35:00,098 --> 00:35:01,098
I was in Texas.
651
00:35:01,099 --> 00:35:05,236
Do you know, to watch porn in Texas,
you have to upload your driver's license
652
00:35:06,337 --> 00:35:09,072
because they want your identity verified,
653
00:35:09,073 --> 00:35:11,708
which is very funny that that state
they babble so much about
654
00:35:11,709 --> 00:35:13,944
"We don't want the government
telling us what to do,
655
00:35:13,945 --> 00:35:15,645
and we don't want
government interference."
656
00:35:15,646 --> 00:35:18,616
But I want to masturbate
and they're like, "DMV documentation."
657
00:35:20,284 --> 00:35:21,318
And I just can't do it.
658
00:35:21,319 --> 00:35:25,455
I'm like I can't send in my driver's
license to whack off into my belly button.
659
00:35:25,456 --> 00:35:26,424
I just, I can't.
660
00:35:27,391 --> 00:35:28,593
It's too lonely.
661
00:35:29,160 --> 00:35:30,394
I mean, I did,
662
00:35:32,930 --> 00:35:34,264
but it was a three day trip, you know?
663
00:35:34,265 --> 00:35:37,334
I mean, if it was an airport layover,
I would have stood tall for the cause.
664
00:35:37,335 --> 00:35:39,704
But three days?
Who am I, fucking Joan of Arc?
665
00:35:43,040 --> 00:35:46,710
And you feel very lonely
when you do something like that,
666
00:35:46,711 --> 00:35:48,812
and they tell you
once you're into the site.
667
00:35:48,813 --> 00:35:51,815
Like, they let you get into the site,
peruse a little bit
668
00:35:51,816 --> 00:35:54,217
and then you hit the thumbnail
that you want to settle into,
669
00:35:54,218 --> 00:35:55,752
and then you click it and then they go,
670
00:35:55,753 --> 00:35:59,523
"Oh, send in your driver's license."
Which just really sucks.
671
00:35:59,524 --> 00:36:01,458
Because now you get to pick up
your license with your left hand
672
00:36:01,459 --> 00:36:05,061
and pull it out of my wallet with my teeth
673
00:36:05,062 --> 00:36:08,565
because this has got baby oil on
and he was ready to go to work.
674
00:36:08,566 --> 00:36:14,304
And it's hard enough to take a photo
of your license with two hands on a table.
675
00:36:14,305 --> 00:36:16,774
Try doing naked in a Courtyard Marriott.
676
00:36:17,909 --> 00:36:19,543
My fucking fat stomach.
677
00:36:19,544 --> 00:36:21,946
I'm trying not to get
my helmet in the picture.
678
00:36:23,681 --> 00:36:26,183
I should have just let my dick
be in the picture and then sent it in.
679
00:36:26,184 --> 00:36:28,052
"Look what you made me do."
680
00:36:29,520 --> 00:36:31,555
All right. Thank you very much.
I appreciate you.
681
00:36:31,556 --> 00:36:33,957
- Jim Norton...
- Thank you for having me.
682
00:36:33,958 --> 00:36:35,392
...has done it again.
683
00:36:35,393 --> 00:36:37,694
- Thank you, Tony.
- You are the man, Jim.
684
00:36:37,695 --> 00:36:39,930
- Thank you.
- It is absolutely incredible.
685
00:36:39,931 --> 00:36:42,499
I'm gonna rip the roof
off this fucking joint.
686
00:36:42,500 --> 00:36:44,301
One of the kings of New York City.
687
00:36:44,302 --> 00:36:46,203
It's an honor to have you here.
688
00:36:46,204 --> 00:36:48,605
Thank you for having me
and Redban, those glasses,
689
00:36:48,606 --> 00:36:50,440
you should be filming porn
in Boogie Nights.
690
00:36:50,441 --> 00:36:52,309
I love those fucking glasses.
691
00:36:52,310 --> 00:36:54,411
Stop.
692
00:36:54,412 --> 00:36:56,146
- Thanks, Tony. I appreciate it.
- We love you, Jim.
693
00:36:56,147 --> 00:36:58,882
- Thank you, guys.
- Your first legend of the night.
694
00:36:58,883 --> 00:37:01,819
His special Unconceivable.
695
00:37:05,823 --> 00:37:07,824
How awesome is that?
696
00:37:07,825 --> 00:37:11,361
And let's keep it moving
right along into our second
697
00:37:11,362 --> 00:37:17,100
actual bucket pull of the evening.
Ladies and gentlemen, here we go.
698
00:37:17,101 --> 00:37:22,939
Make some noise
for Allison Perski, everybody.
699
00:37:22,940 --> 00:37:24,942
Allison Perski.
700
00:37:33,618 --> 00:37:36,120
One more time for Allison,
everybody, come on.
701
00:37:37,755 --> 00:37:38,889
Hi. How are you?
702
00:37:41,726 --> 00:37:47,063
All right, so I have two young kids,
and they're always fighting.
703
00:37:47,064 --> 00:37:50,166
So sometimes when I feel like
I just can't take anymore,
704
00:37:50,167 --> 00:37:53,571
I like to think back to that
magical night that they were conceived
705
00:37:54,205 --> 00:37:56,207
and wish I chose anal instead.
706
00:37:59,010 --> 00:38:02,979
So I'm potty training
my little one at night
707
00:38:02,980 --> 00:38:05,383
so he could potty train me during the day.
708
00:38:06,017 --> 00:38:07,684
I feel so bad for my husband.
709
00:38:07,685 --> 00:38:10,387
Between my two boys
who don't know how to aim
710
00:38:10,388 --> 00:38:12,722
and me, who doesn't believe in Kegels,
711
00:38:12,723 --> 00:38:14,058
there's piss everywhere.
712
00:38:14,825 --> 00:38:16,760
My husband walks into Penn Station,
713
00:38:16,761 --> 00:38:20,865
he sniffs around, and he's like...
...home sweet home.
714
00:38:22,767 --> 00:38:28,471
So I've been with my husband for 16 years
and thank you very much.
715
00:38:28,472 --> 00:38:30,106
And people like to know.
716
00:38:30,107 --> 00:38:34,711
They like to ask me, "What's the secret
to a long term relationship?"
717
00:38:34,712 --> 00:38:38,882
And I tell them you have to be
the people you were when you first met.
718
00:38:38,883 --> 00:38:41,252
So that's why we're back on drugs.
719
00:38:43,387 --> 00:38:45,088
Thank you.
720
00:38:45,089 --> 00:38:47,191
Boom. Allison Perski.
721
00:38:47,725 --> 00:38:50,328
Welcome, Allison.
Grab that microphone again.
722
00:38:51,295 --> 00:38:52,896
How long you been doing standup?
723
00:38:52,897 --> 00:38:54,698
- Four years.
- Four years.
724
00:38:54,699 --> 00:38:56,633
All of it here in New York City?
725
00:38:56,634 --> 00:39:00,203
Yeah, I live in Long Island.
I don't get out to the city as much.
726
00:39:00,204 --> 00:39:02,405
Nice.
727
00:39:02,406 --> 00:39:05,041
I love it. Amazing. Great set.
728
00:39:05,042 --> 00:39:06,209
Thank you.
729
00:39:06,210 --> 00:39:08,912
- How old are the kids?
- Uh, seven and eleven.
730
00:39:08,913 --> 00:39:10,213
Seven and eleven.
731
00:39:10,214 --> 00:39:12,015
- Wow. I love it.
- Seven and eleven.
732
00:39:12,016 --> 00:39:13,150
Indian husband?
733
00:39:15,886 --> 00:39:17,288
For one of them.
734
00:39:19,256 --> 00:39:20,323
I love it.
735
00:39:20,324 --> 00:39:21,891
So the kids are kids.
736
00:39:21,892 --> 00:39:23,561
How long you been with your man?
737
00:39:24,261 --> 00:39:28,231
Uh, well, married, 15 years.
Together, like 21.
738
00:39:28,232 --> 00:39:31,202
Wow! How do you keep things
exciting in the bedroom?
739
00:39:32,169 --> 00:39:34,204
Oh, God, I don't know.
740
00:39:34,205 --> 00:39:36,706
Like I still give blow jobs.
741
00:39:36,707 --> 00:39:37,674
Nice.
742
00:39:37,675 --> 00:39:39,943
Hell yeah.
743
00:39:39,944 --> 00:39:43,680
That's the biggest applause break
all night here at Madison Square Garden.
744
00:39:43,681 --> 00:39:47,751
Let the record show
that New York City knows
745
00:39:47,752 --> 00:39:52,423
how to make some fucking noise
for blow jobs, everybody.
746
00:39:58,596 --> 00:40:01,264
That's the sound
of Tom Segura breaking his arm.
747
00:40:01,265 --> 00:40:03,233
Often--
748
00:40:03,234 --> 00:40:06,002
Often confused for a man
getting a blow job.
749
00:40:06,003 --> 00:40:07,470
One more time with the Segura.
750
00:40:07,471 --> 00:40:09,706
This is Tom.
751
00:40:09,707 --> 00:40:11,875
Yeah.
752
00:40:11,876 --> 00:40:14,945
Jim Norton's wife is trans,
so he also still gives blow jobs.
753
00:40:17,081 --> 00:40:18,548
Is she really?
754
00:40:18,549 --> 00:40:19,749
- Yeah.
- What?
755
00:40:19,750 --> 00:40:21,018
- Yeah!
- You didn't know that?
756
00:40:22,019 --> 00:40:24,054
- No. That changes everything.
- Oh, yeah.
757
00:40:24,688 --> 00:40:25,923
This is her. No.
758
00:40:28,092 --> 00:40:29,393
- I'm sorry.
- It's they/them.
759
00:40:30,961 --> 00:40:32,129
This is Bulk Hogan.
760
00:40:35,900 --> 00:40:37,300
Allison Perski.
761
00:40:37,301 --> 00:40:38,802
What do you do for work?
762
00:40:38,803 --> 00:40:41,371
I actually work at a Chabad.
763
00:40:41,372 --> 00:40:42,740
It's a Jewish school.
764
00:40:43,374 --> 00:40:45,375
Wow.
765
00:40:45,376 --> 00:40:47,811
What exactly do you do
at the Jewish school?
766
00:40:47,812 --> 00:40:52,949
I'm, like, a sub coordinator
when people call out, I-- I'm the sub,
767
00:40:52,950 --> 00:40:54,517
and then I arrange the subs.
768
00:40:54,518 --> 00:40:56,052
Nothing interesting.
769
00:40:56,053 --> 00:40:57,755
You get them on the trains.
770
00:40:59,557 --> 00:41:01,524
All right, I'm sorry.
771
00:41:01,525 --> 00:41:04,194
- What are we doing?
- I also do work at a summer camp.
772
00:41:04,195 --> 00:41:06,029
- Oh, hey!
- Wow!
773
00:41:06,030 --> 00:41:08,431
- Hands in hands.
- Good for concentration.
774
00:41:08,432 --> 00:41:10,634
Yeah.
775
00:41:11,302 --> 00:41:12,937
It's hot in there.
776
00:41:18,409 --> 00:41:19,810
Now we're cooking with gas.
777
00:41:24,081 --> 00:41:24,982
Hell yeah.
778
00:41:25,716 --> 00:41:27,852
What are you doing here on a Saturday?
779
00:41:29,653 --> 00:41:31,555
That's fucked up.
780
00:41:32,523 --> 00:41:33,990
And you're Jewish as well, right?
781
00:41:33,991 --> 00:41:35,225
- I am, yeah.
- Of course.
782
00:41:35,226 --> 00:41:38,328
Are there any non-Jewish teachers
at that school?
783
00:41:38,329 --> 00:41:41,064
Yeah, there are.
There's some Spanish teachers.
784
00:41:41,065 --> 00:41:42,198
There's a Muslim.
785
00:41:42,199 --> 00:41:44,067
Whoa! What does the Muslim teach?
786
00:41:44,068 --> 00:41:45,736
Not that.
787
00:41:48,939 --> 00:41:51,008
We have a regular curriculum too.
788
00:41:52,943 --> 00:41:54,812
It doesn't teach women's driving?
789
00:41:57,648 --> 00:42:00,518
I love it. Allison,
what do you like to do for fun?
790
00:42:01,418 --> 00:42:02,519
Um...
791
00:42:02,520 --> 00:42:05,255
I try to get out for comedy,
but it's hard with the kids.
792
00:42:05,256 --> 00:42:07,090
- So...
- Yeah. Yeah.
793
00:42:07,091 --> 00:42:10,027
Anything crazy about your kids,
they autistic or anything?
794
00:42:11,095 --> 00:42:13,363
Just ADHD like everyone else.
795
00:42:13,364 --> 00:42:16,166
Perfect. Everything is right on schedule.
796
00:42:17,935 --> 00:42:19,402
Did you, uh... you know...
797
00:42:19,403 --> 00:42:20,671
- Of course.
- Oh, there you go.
798
00:42:21,405 --> 00:42:22,672
Following the Jewish tradition.
799
00:42:22,673 --> 00:42:23,706
Yeah.
800
00:42:23,707 --> 00:42:24,941
And it's gross if you're not.
801
00:42:24,942 --> 00:42:26,076
No offense.
802
00:42:26,844 --> 00:42:28,312
No offense.
803
00:42:28,946 --> 00:42:29,779
It's just dirty.
804
00:42:29,780 --> 00:42:30,948
It's a little dirtier.
805
00:42:31,482 --> 00:42:32,415
I don't know.
806
00:42:32,416 --> 00:42:35,218
I haven't been with one of those.
807
00:42:35,219 --> 00:42:36,719
Wow.
808
00:42:36,720 --> 00:42:38,187
This is incredible.
809
00:42:38,188 --> 00:42:39,455
Am I done?
810
00:42:39,456 --> 00:42:41,325
No. No.
811
00:42:42,159 --> 00:42:43,460
At that school, you are.
812
00:42:45,729 --> 00:42:47,631
That's fucked up.
813
00:42:51,101 --> 00:42:52,502
This is great, Allison.
814
00:42:52,503 --> 00:42:55,138
This is what the show is all about.
815
00:42:55,139 --> 00:42:56,873
A four-year comedy vet
816
00:42:56,874 --> 00:42:59,309
- that's talking about your real life.
- I appreciate that.
817
00:42:59,310 --> 00:43:01,811
You came out,
you took the ball and ran with it.
818
00:43:01,812 --> 00:43:03,646
Made the most of the opportunity.
819
00:43:03,647 --> 00:43:05,448
It's what people dream of.
820
00:43:05,449 --> 00:43:08,117
You waited out in the sunshine for hours.
821
00:43:08,118 --> 00:43:10,820
These sign ups
have been here since 3:00 p.m.
822
00:43:10,821 --> 00:43:13,356
Allison Perski,
you're the first person tonight
823
00:43:13,357 --> 00:43:14,824
to leave here with a big joke book.
824
00:43:14,825 --> 00:43:16,759
Congratulations.
825
00:43:16,760 --> 00:43:18,194
It's that easy.
826
00:43:18,195 --> 00:43:19,195
Make it look easy.
827
00:43:19,196 --> 00:43:20,330
It's a minute.
828
00:43:20,331 --> 00:43:22,498
Allison Perski caught it.
829
00:43:22,499 --> 00:43:25,069
The iron dome catches everything.
830
00:43:29,373 --> 00:43:31,641
Dreams really do come true here.
831
00:43:31,642 --> 00:43:33,576
And your next comedian,
832
00:43:33,577 --> 00:43:36,512
his dreams came true on this show as well.
833
00:43:36,513 --> 00:43:40,116
He went from being on one time,
winning a golden ticket.
834
00:43:40,117 --> 00:43:42,352
Howie Mandel saw it happen
835
00:43:42,353 --> 00:43:44,954
and put him on America's Got Talent.
836
00:43:44,955 --> 00:43:48,891
He made it all the way to the finals
of America's Got Talent.
837
00:43:48,892 --> 00:43:52,228
He's a touring comedian superstar.
838
00:43:52,229 --> 00:43:57,734
Now, this is his
Madison Square Garden/Netflix debut.
839
00:43:57,735 --> 00:43:59,702
This is the return
840
00:43:59,703 --> 00:44:04,808
of longtime Golden Ticket winner
Ahren Belisle, everybody.
841
00:44:06,744 --> 00:44:09,613
The great Ahren Belisle.
842
00:44:18,822 --> 00:44:20,691
One more time for Ahren Belisle.
843
00:44:29,133 --> 00:44:31,334
{\an8}Everyone is
accusing me of faking my disability.
844
00:44:31,335 --> 00:44:33,637
So I got this headset
to prove I can't talk.
845
00:44:36,140 --> 00:44:38,307
This is what happens
when your dad does ketamine
846
00:44:38,308 --> 00:44:39,910
and your mom is a dinosaur.
847
00:44:42,146 --> 00:44:43,913
Everybody thinks I'm infertile,
848
00:44:43,914 --> 00:44:45,449
so I never have to pull out.
849
00:44:48,552 --> 00:44:50,888
Most people don't even believe
that I fuck.
850
00:44:52,122 --> 00:44:53,790
I was out with a girl I'm dating
851
00:44:53,791 --> 00:44:54,991
and some old lady said,
852
00:44:54,992 --> 00:44:56,126
"You must be his sister."
853
00:44:57,261 --> 00:44:59,363
"Oh, God, you're telling me this now?"
854
00:44:59,863 --> 00:45:01,598
"I've been hitting it raw for weeks."
855
00:45:04,835 --> 00:45:05,968
Norm, I was stuck.
856
00:45:05,969 --> 00:45:08,872
Almost lost survival of the fittest
to a bathtub though.
857
00:45:10,374 --> 00:45:12,041
I was stuck in my hotel tub
858
00:45:12,042 --> 00:45:14,445
and had to call the front desk guy
to rescue me.
859
00:45:15,312 --> 00:45:16,547
And I was panic-flaccid.
860
00:45:20,050 --> 00:45:21,918
Normal flaccid is a couple inches.
861
00:45:21,919 --> 00:45:24,788
Panic-flaccid is like a clitoris
resting on your balls.
862
00:45:29,893 --> 00:45:32,563
And I couldn't let this hotel clerk
think he's better than me.
863
00:45:33,097 --> 00:45:35,132
So I started cranking one out real quick.
864
00:45:39,269 --> 00:45:42,071
American Eagle still refused to hire me
to do an ad
865
00:45:42,072 --> 00:45:43,440
because I have shitty genes.
866
00:45:56,920 --> 00:45:58,222
I could never be a Nazi.
867
00:46:06,630 --> 00:46:09,066
Ahren Belisle, ladies and gentlemen.
868
00:46:11,435 --> 00:46:12,603
It is true.
869
00:46:14,438 --> 00:46:17,173
Everything you said was true.
870
00:46:17,174 --> 00:46:18,875
I was wondering, I actually...
871
00:46:18,876 --> 00:46:22,311
A fun fact... A little behind the scenes
of Kill Tony
872
00:46:22,312 --> 00:46:25,014
was, uh, I got word, you know,
873
00:46:25,015 --> 00:46:27,316
they're always checking the budget
and whatnot.
874
00:46:27,317 --> 00:46:29,185
Somebody goes,
"Tony, just to let you know,
875
00:46:29,186 --> 00:46:30,820
Ahren Belisle requested,
876
00:46:30,821 --> 00:46:33,557
it's, like, $250 for a headset."
877
00:46:34,625 --> 00:46:35,591
And I'm literally like,
878
00:46:35,592 --> 00:46:39,062
"What the fuck could this guy
possibly want a headset for?"
879
00:46:39,563 --> 00:46:41,331
And sure enough, I mean,
880
00:46:41,999 --> 00:46:45,102
absolutely just burning money
for no reason.
881
00:46:46,570 --> 00:46:49,773
Just so that you could say
you're wearing a headset.
882
00:46:50,340 --> 00:46:51,808
It's just a prop.
883
00:46:51,809 --> 00:46:54,010
It didn't have to be a real headset.
884
00:46:54,011 --> 00:46:55,279
That's a legit headset.
885
00:46:56,180 --> 00:46:57,147
I paid for that.
886
00:46:57,848 --> 00:47:00,784
Whatever you're typing,
better be a fucking apology, right now.
887
00:47:05,255 --> 00:47:06,557
I'm sorry if you can't afford it.
888
00:47:08,258 --> 00:47:10,626
Oh, it's okay. It's all right.
889
00:47:10,627 --> 00:47:12,028
It's okay.
890
00:47:12,029 --> 00:47:13,529
Give me your handicapped placard.
891
00:47:13,530 --> 00:47:15,832
I want better parking.
892
00:47:15,833 --> 00:47:17,433
That's what I want.
I don't want your money.
893
00:47:17,434 --> 00:47:19,403
I want your parking spot.
894
00:47:22,039 --> 00:47:23,039
Ahren, how do you feel?
895
00:47:23,040 --> 00:47:25,675
You just fucking ripped
the roof off of the Garden.
896
00:47:25,676 --> 00:47:28,712
Unbelievable.
897
00:47:33,317 --> 00:47:34,350
Could be better.
898
00:47:34,351 --> 00:47:36,219
I've only been in Madison Square Garden
899
00:47:36,220 --> 00:47:37,854
twice in my three-year career.
900
00:47:37,855 --> 00:47:39,922
Yeah.
901
00:47:39,923 --> 00:47:42,759
You're living the dream, buddy.
902
00:47:43,727 --> 00:47:45,261
Oh, he's got something.
903
00:47:45,262 --> 00:47:47,063
He looked at Redban there,
that did not look good.
904
00:47:47,064 --> 00:47:49,131
Redban. Redban's about to get lit up.
905
00:47:49,132 --> 00:47:50,666
Uh-oh!
906
00:47:50,667 --> 00:47:52,335
I joined OnlyFans.
907
00:47:52,336 --> 00:47:53,769
I do inspiration porn.
908
00:47:53,770 --> 00:47:56,739
Inspiration porn...
909
00:47:56,740 --> 00:47:58,742
For $5, I will open a pickle jar.
910
00:48:02,279 --> 00:48:04,481
For $10, I go outside without a helmet.
911
00:48:08,552 --> 00:48:10,988
For $20, I'll fuck a closeted Republican.
912
00:48:15,893 --> 00:48:17,728
Uh-oh. He's got more.
913
00:48:18,795 --> 00:48:20,997
- Uh-oh.
- Comedy.
914
00:48:20,998 --> 00:48:24,400
Wow! Look at that!
915
00:48:24,401 --> 00:48:25,668
Amazing.
916
00:48:25,669 --> 00:48:27,503
This guy's great, but proves it.
917
00:48:27,504 --> 00:48:28,938
AI has taken over.
918
00:48:28,939 --> 00:48:31,275
We're done.
919
00:48:33,844 --> 00:48:36,947
Wow, you're the funniest
retard I've ever seen.
920
00:48:38,916 --> 00:48:42,018
You really have Mark Normand's
voice in there ready to rip.
921
00:48:42,019 --> 00:48:42,953
That was so good.
922
00:48:47,424 --> 00:48:49,760
You look like me
with fetal alcohol syndrome.
923
00:48:51,995 --> 00:48:53,229
Keep going.
924
00:48:53,230 --> 00:48:54,830
Hey, man, I need a lot of work.
925
00:48:54,831 --> 00:48:57,133
Can you recommend me
to your plastic surgeon?
926
00:48:57,134 --> 00:48:59,436
Oh, Jesus Christ!
927
00:49:01,705 --> 00:49:03,739
I don't like when you get a good one,
'cause I love your laugh.
928
00:49:03,740 --> 00:49:06,310
It sounds like somebody's
scooting a desk across some hardwood.
929
00:49:08,512 --> 00:49:09,612
Funny and handsome.
930
00:49:09,613 --> 00:49:11,181
I'd say you're a drool threat.
931
00:49:14,117 --> 00:49:17,353
And I don't think
it's a plastic surgeon you need.
932
00:49:17,354 --> 00:49:18,254
Is that panties?
933
00:49:18,255 --> 00:49:19,623
- Whoa!
- What the hell?
934
00:49:21,191 --> 00:49:22,458
Oh, my goodness.
935
00:49:22,459 --> 00:49:24,494
Did you steal those out of my greenroom?
936
00:49:25,662 --> 00:49:26,964
Did you fuck Heidi?
937
00:49:28,899 --> 00:49:30,167
Meet, run, and Heidi.
938
00:49:31,268 --> 00:49:32,569
You can't finger with the left.
939
00:49:36,006 --> 00:49:37,106
Uh-oh.
940
00:49:37,107 --> 00:49:39,041
Darling, hold my hand.
941
00:49:39,042 --> 00:49:40,410
Yes, I can.
942
00:49:41,511 --> 00:49:44,381
Uh-oh.
943
00:49:45,148 --> 00:49:46,516
It just hurts.
944
00:49:47,250 --> 00:49:48,851
It just hurts.
945
00:49:48,852 --> 00:49:50,220
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
946
00:49:51,254 --> 00:49:52,955
- Hell, yeah.
- All right.
947
00:49:52,956 --> 00:49:54,190
Shrugged it off.
948
00:49:54,191 --> 00:49:55,092
Comedy.
949
00:49:57,294 --> 00:49:59,762
Ahren Belisle,
anything else you want to say
950
00:49:59,763 --> 00:50:01,964
before we keep it moving along here?
951
00:50:01,965 --> 00:50:03,333
You crushed tonight.
952
00:50:03,934 --> 00:50:05,868
- Just like people--
- No.
953
00:50:05,869 --> 00:50:08,004
No? All right.
954
00:50:08,005 --> 00:50:09,171
There he goes.
955
00:50:09,172 --> 00:50:11,640
Ladies and gentlemen,
that's how you do it.
956
00:50:11,641 --> 00:50:15,746
The great Ahren Belisle, everybody.
957
00:50:16,680 --> 00:50:18,247
On to the next one.
958
00:50:18,248 --> 00:50:20,583
Uh... Oh! Perfect.
959
00:50:20,584 --> 00:50:23,587
Proof yet again that he's not faking it.
960
00:50:27,391 --> 00:50:28,290
Hell yeah.
961
00:50:28,291 --> 00:50:29,792
We're having fun here.
962
00:50:29,793 --> 00:50:31,660
Bucket pull number three.
963
00:50:31,661 --> 00:50:34,497
We have one big joke book
already out tonight,
964
00:50:34,498 --> 00:50:36,198
which is 50%.
965
00:50:36,199 --> 00:50:38,334
Ain't bad for these arena shows.
966
00:50:38,335 --> 00:50:40,903
How many of you watch
every episode of Kill Tony?
967
00:50:40,904 --> 00:50:42,873
Then you know.
968
00:50:43,707 --> 00:50:45,508
All right, your third
bucket pull of the night.
969
00:50:45,509 --> 00:50:48,911
Making dreams come true
at Madison Square Garden.
970
00:50:48,912 --> 00:50:52,515
Make some noise for Jim Martin, everybody.
971
00:50:52,516 --> 00:50:53,984
Jim Martin.
972
00:51:02,559 --> 00:51:05,262
So I was getting fucked by this Black guy...
973
00:51:07,330 --> 00:51:10,000
...and he really wanted me
to say the N word.
974
00:51:11,468 --> 00:51:13,369
Like, he got off
975
00:51:13,370 --> 00:51:15,739
on me sounding super racist.
976
00:51:16,807 --> 00:51:19,242
So let's just say
977
00:51:19,776 --> 00:51:21,211
I gave him a hard R
978
00:51:22,112 --> 00:51:23,480
and he gave me a hard D.
979
00:51:26,016 --> 00:51:26,883
I actually said it
980
00:51:27,451 --> 00:51:29,152
so many times.
981
00:51:32,589 --> 00:51:34,390
I said it so many times
982
00:51:34,391 --> 00:51:36,526
that I caught myself halfway through,
983
00:51:37,327 --> 00:51:40,464
like, I never thought I would say a hard R
984
00:51:40,964 --> 00:51:43,266
directly to a Black person
985
00:51:44,634 --> 00:51:46,836
this many times.
986
00:51:46,837 --> 00:51:48,070
Maybe a couple of times.
987
00:51:48,071 --> 00:51:50,307
But not this many times.
988
00:51:52,242 --> 00:51:53,910
I said it so many times,
989
00:51:55,212 --> 00:51:56,847
I'm not even racist anymore.
990
00:51:59,883 --> 00:52:01,051
Except Chinese people.
991
00:52:01,918 --> 00:52:03,787
But I'm still working on that.
992
00:52:05,589 --> 00:52:06,923
I hate Pride Month.
993
00:52:09,259 --> 00:52:12,129
I don't suck dick
because I have pride in sucking dick.
994
00:52:13,463 --> 00:52:14,697
Yeah, we're gonna stop you.
995
00:52:14,698 --> 00:52:17,133
We're gonna stop you
before Nate Diaz comes up here
996
00:52:17,134 --> 00:52:18,167
and knocks your head
997
00:52:18,168 --> 00:52:21,004
into the other fucking...
into the other borough.
998
00:52:22,072 --> 00:52:22,973
Holy shit.
999
00:52:23,673 --> 00:52:25,407
All right, Jim Martin.
1000
00:52:25,408 --> 00:52:27,009
Let's start with Mark Normand here.
1001
00:52:27,010 --> 00:52:29,579
Well, I just got to say,
thank you, Jeffrey Bummer.
1002
00:52:32,249 --> 00:52:34,216
A very creepy set.
1003
00:52:34,217 --> 00:52:35,951
Have you worked that out before?
1004
00:52:35,952 --> 00:52:38,654
Yeah, I did it in an all-Black room,
I did that.
1005
00:52:38,655 --> 00:52:39,890
And I got laughs.
1006
00:52:40,824 --> 00:52:41,924
Yeah.
1007
00:52:41,925 --> 00:52:43,225
Okay.
1008
00:52:43,226 --> 00:52:45,061
Your face did.
1009
00:52:46,897 --> 00:52:48,697
- An all-Black room.
- Yeah.
1010
00:52:48,698 --> 00:52:49,699
And it got laughs.
1011
00:52:50,700 --> 00:52:51,968
And you did that.
1012
00:52:52,669 --> 00:52:55,906
And what did they do
when you were walking outside?
1013
00:52:58,074 --> 00:52:58,975
Nothing?
1014
00:52:59,676 --> 00:53:01,311
No one said anything to you?
1015
00:53:02,078 --> 00:53:04,346
Uh, well, the set...
1016
00:53:04,347 --> 00:53:06,615
I made fun of more people,
1017
00:53:06,616 --> 00:53:08,684
sort of like, made fun
of all kinds of groups.
1018
00:53:08,685 --> 00:53:09,585
Yeah--
1019
00:53:09,586 --> 00:53:11,086
It wasn't just the one thing.
1020
00:53:11,087 --> 00:53:13,255
The set needs to be gayer than racist.
1021
00:53:13,256 --> 00:53:14,190
- Okay.
- Yeah.
1022
00:53:14,191 --> 00:53:15,792
For sure.
1023
00:53:17,027 --> 00:53:19,229
Jim, how long you been doing
stand-up comedy?
1024
00:53:19,729 --> 00:53:23,065
I started in 2015,
but I haven't done it that many times.
1025
00:53:23,066 --> 00:53:24,867
2015...
1026
00:53:24,868 --> 00:53:28,637
And the boos in the room
are growing, everybody.
1027
00:53:28,638 --> 00:53:33,142
I don't know if it's translating
to your in-home screens,
1028
00:53:33,143 --> 00:53:37,314
but there has just been a constant murmur
since you got up here.
1029
00:53:37,981 --> 00:53:40,049
Uh, what's a redeeming quality?
1030
00:53:40,050 --> 00:53:42,084
Win over the people of New York City.
1031
00:53:42,085 --> 00:53:43,285
Is this where you live?
1032
00:53:43,286 --> 00:53:45,321
No, I live in Doylestown, Pennsylvania.
1033
00:53:45,322 --> 00:53:46,589
Oh, boy!
1034
00:53:46,590 --> 00:53:50,459
That's the wrong answer.
1035
00:53:50,460 --> 00:53:51,760
Let me help you out here.
1036
00:53:51,761 --> 00:53:54,096
Let's get the crowd on your side.
1037
00:53:54,097 --> 00:53:55,832
What do you do for a living?
1038
00:53:56,433 --> 00:53:58,234
Uh... Currently unemployed.
1039
00:53:58,235 --> 00:53:59,735
Oh...
1040
00:53:59,736 --> 00:54:03,305
A non-contributor to society.
1041
00:54:03,306 --> 00:54:08,578
A non-tax-paying member
of the American government.
1042
00:54:09,412 --> 00:54:11,047
Unbelievable.
1043
00:54:11,681 --> 00:54:13,749
Jim, I'm trying to save you here.
1044
00:54:13,750 --> 00:54:16,018
Is there something
you can say to this crowd
1045
00:54:16,019 --> 00:54:18,255
that will definitely
get them on your side?
1046
00:54:19,022 --> 00:54:20,590
I'm really good at karaoke.
1047
00:54:21,224 --> 00:54:25,194
- No!
- Oh, no.
1048
00:54:25,195 --> 00:54:27,264
That's worse than being racist.
1049
00:54:29,366 --> 00:54:31,533
You're gonna have to suck off
D-Madness or something.
1050
00:54:31,534 --> 00:54:32,801
Yeah.
1051
00:54:32,802 --> 00:54:35,237
You can't say that
you hate Chinese people,
1052
00:54:35,238 --> 00:54:38,607
and you're good at karaoke
in the same night, by the way.
1053
00:54:38,608 --> 00:54:39,875
It's either one or the other.
1054
00:54:39,876 --> 00:54:41,444
He only sings N.W.A.
1055
00:54:45,181 --> 00:54:46,715
All right, let's try again.
1056
00:54:46,716 --> 00:54:48,384
Get these people on your side.
1057
00:54:48,385 --> 00:54:51,720
Everybody in the Garden
is against you right now.
1058
00:54:51,721 --> 00:54:52,989
Say something.
1059
00:54:54,891 --> 00:54:58,494
Uh... I've been going to the same
writing group for nine years.
1060
00:54:58,495 --> 00:55:00,029
Oh, boo!
1061
00:55:00,030 --> 00:55:01,830
Now I'm with them. Boo!
1062
00:55:01,831 --> 00:55:03,399
Gayer than karaoke.
1063
00:55:03,400 --> 00:55:04,767
The lights are changing.
1064
00:55:04,768 --> 00:55:07,236
Everything's going crazy here.
1065
00:55:07,237 --> 00:55:09,372
You're breaking the set, Jim.
1066
00:55:10,407 --> 00:55:13,942
My God, what was the last job you had
before you were unemployed?
1067
00:55:13,943 --> 00:55:15,210
I did the census.
1068
00:55:15,211 --> 00:55:17,480
Oh...
1069
00:55:23,386 --> 00:55:25,689
My God.
1070
00:55:26,256 --> 00:55:27,857
Are you close with your mother?
1071
00:55:28,658 --> 00:55:29,558
Uh, yeah.
1072
00:55:29,559 --> 00:55:31,260
Okay.
1073
00:55:31,261 --> 00:55:32,795
Oh, they don't even like that.
1074
00:55:32,796 --> 00:55:34,730
They don't like moms here tonight.
1075
00:55:34,731 --> 00:55:35,998
How about blow jobs?
1076
00:55:35,999 --> 00:55:37,566
Do you like blow jobs?
1077
00:55:37,567 --> 00:55:40,503
Yes.
1078
00:55:42,939 --> 00:55:44,073
Amazing.
1079
00:55:44,074 --> 00:55:45,808
That's the loophole here.
1080
00:55:45,809 --> 00:55:49,978
On this night,
we have gathered 18,000 people
1081
00:55:49,979 --> 00:55:52,581
that agree on one thing
and one thing only.
1082
00:55:52,582 --> 00:55:54,884
And that, my friend, is blow jobs.
1083
00:55:57,620 --> 00:55:59,723
This is Kill Tony.
1084
00:56:02,359 --> 00:56:06,362
We've been labeled a lot of things.
We've been labeled, you know, racist.
1085
00:56:06,363 --> 00:56:10,265
We've been labeled hacky,
but all we love are blow jobs.
1086
00:56:10,266 --> 00:56:12,000
That's all.
1087
00:56:12,001 --> 00:56:13,770
That's the true American dream.
1088
00:56:15,939 --> 00:56:18,340
All right. Come on.
Let's give it one more chance here.
1089
00:56:18,341 --> 00:56:21,510
I kind of spoon-fed you that one.
Say one more thing.
1090
00:56:21,511 --> 00:56:25,447
Maybe an accomplishment from your life
or something you're really good at.
1091
00:56:25,448 --> 00:56:28,617
Or, you know, something
that'll make this crowd love you.
1092
00:56:28,618 --> 00:56:32,388
I started a comedy literary journal
that I edit and publish.
1093
00:56:32,389 --> 00:56:34,089
Oh, man!
1094
00:56:34,090 --> 00:56:37,259
Holy shit.
1095
00:56:37,260 --> 00:56:41,196
It feels like they're so close
to calling him the N word after all this.
1096
00:56:41,197 --> 00:56:44,099
Yeah. The irony of the minute that you did
1097
00:56:44,100 --> 00:56:46,735
is they... I think they want
to call you the N word
1098
00:56:46,736 --> 00:56:49,271
and fuck you in the ass at the same time.
1099
00:56:49,272 --> 00:56:51,907
I won't let it happen. I'll get you out.
1100
00:56:51,908 --> 00:56:55,144
Here's the smallest joke book
we have out of the whole bunch.
1101
00:56:55,145 --> 00:56:59,214
You earned it, Jim Martin. There he goes.
1102
00:56:59,215 --> 00:57:02,184
Mike back in the mike stand, Jim Martin.
1103
00:57:02,185 --> 00:57:06,054
And without a doubt,
in order to cleanse this room,
1104
00:57:06,055 --> 00:57:10,860
ladies and gentlemen, I'm going
to the Legends Bucket, everybody.
1105
00:57:12,495 --> 00:57:14,130
And well, well, well...
1106
00:57:15,932 --> 00:57:17,533
How lucky are we?
1107
00:57:17,534 --> 00:57:20,369
Who better to go after Jim Martin
1108
00:57:20,370 --> 00:57:25,707
than the man that I truly believe
is the best comedian in the world?
1109
00:57:25,708 --> 00:57:32,147
I present to you your favorite comedian's
favorite comedian, the true...
1110
00:57:32,148 --> 00:57:36,185
The true, in my opinion, king of New York...
1111
00:57:36,186 --> 00:57:38,554
Ladies and gentlemen, the GOAT...
1112
00:57:38,555 --> 00:57:39,923
Dave Attell!
1113
00:57:52,569 --> 00:57:54,537
Thank you very much, everybody.
1114
00:57:56,539 --> 00:57:58,308
Got some big shoes to fill.
1115
00:57:59,576 --> 00:58:02,077
{\an8}Hey, you know what?
Give it up for the last guy.
1116
00:58:02,078 --> 00:58:05,380
{\an8}Guys, huh, come on. No, really.
1117
00:58:05,381 --> 00:58:07,115
It's not every day...
1118
00:58:07,116 --> 00:58:10,018
It's not every day
you get to meet the next mayor.
1119
00:58:10,019 --> 00:58:12,188
Now...
1120
00:58:15,892 --> 00:58:16,926
Here we are.
1121
00:58:18,094 --> 00:58:19,761
And you guys are crushing it.
1122
00:58:19,762 --> 00:58:21,597
The last guy, he took it, didn't he?
1123
00:58:21,598 --> 00:58:24,700
Yeah, well, I'm going
to use the N word too.
1124
00:58:24,701 --> 00:58:26,903
Is that okay, Tony?
1125
00:58:27,570 --> 00:58:30,039
Newark Airport doesn't work, all right?
1126
00:58:31,307 --> 00:58:34,009
Any one of you who flew in here,
you ain't getting out.
1127
00:58:34,010 --> 00:58:35,211
You live here now.
1128
00:58:39,315 --> 00:58:41,017
New York needs tourism.
1129
00:58:41,784 --> 00:58:44,119
Applaud if you're a tourist.
I wanna hear it.
1130
00:58:44,120 --> 00:58:45,420
Yes. Thank you.
1131
00:58:45,421 --> 00:58:47,923
Thank you for coming to New York.
1132
00:58:47,924 --> 00:58:50,526
We need tourism now more than ever.
1133
00:58:50,527 --> 00:58:53,495
Because everyone who lives here
has already been assaulted.
1134
00:58:53,496 --> 00:58:55,932
And we need fresh blood.
1135
00:58:56,966 --> 00:58:59,068
The subway god has to be fed.
1136
00:59:00,503 --> 00:59:02,138
Lord Choo Choo is hungry.
1137
00:59:03,740 --> 00:59:05,975
Those trains run on souls.
1138
00:59:06,843 --> 00:59:08,043
Get down there!
1139
00:59:08,044 --> 00:59:11,347
Look over the platform,
make some eye contact.
1140
00:59:15,351 --> 00:59:18,187
New York, you can't sit down anywhere...
1141
00:59:19,622 --> 00:59:21,356
but you can lay down everywhere.
1142
00:59:21,357 --> 00:59:23,860
Yeah, I know it.
1143
00:59:24,694 --> 00:59:27,497
Some of you probably stepped over me
on the way in here.
1144
00:59:29,566 --> 00:59:32,167
I saw a guy on the street
masturbating, right?
1145
00:59:32,168 --> 00:59:35,237
A woman walks past him and goes,
"Oh, it's too hot for that."
1146
00:59:35,238 --> 00:59:36,472
And it really was.
1147
00:59:38,441 --> 00:59:39,809
I didn't know that was seasonal.
1148
00:59:44,447 --> 00:59:46,014
I'm really stepping up my game.
1149
00:59:46,015 --> 00:59:47,983
It's not every day you get to perform
1150
00:59:47,984 --> 00:59:51,020
to the not Fantastic Four
but the available three.
1151
01:00:02,031 --> 01:00:03,198
Oh, come on.
1152
01:00:03,199 --> 01:00:04,968
Come on, guys, please.
1153
01:00:06,169 --> 01:00:08,638
Don't waste my time,
I left the kid in the car.
1154
01:00:11,040 --> 01:00:13,609
Tony, you've done it again, and then some.
1155
01:00:13,610 --> 01:00:17,379
You keep saying, "Where dreams come true."
May I?
1156
01:00:17,380 --> 01:00:20,617
I mean, Madison Square Garden,
can I take it to the next level?
1157
01:00:22,986 --> 01:00:24,587
Thank you.
1158
01:00:25,588 --> 01:00:26,623
Yeah.
1159
01:00:37,967 --> 01:00:40,969
I'm just calling the homeless
that live in the train station.
1160
01:00:40,970 --> 01:00:42,639
They'll be here any minute.
1161
01:00:49,712 --> 01:00:52,581
For those who saw my special on Netflix,
Hot Cross Buns,
1162
01:00:52,582 --> 01:00:56,352
you know the recorder
is my guilty pleasure.
1163
01:00:57,453 --> 01:00:59,589
Now, Tony, did you play the recorder?
1164
01:01:00,089 --> 01:01:02,958
You didn't. You kind of look like
you played the inhaler.
1165
01:01:02,959 --> 01:01:06,495
But how about you, Matt?
I don't know you that well.
1166
01:01:06,496 --> 01:01:08,363
- Did you ever play?
- No, sir.
1167
01:01:08,364 --> 01:01:10,265
Exactly. You had friends.
1168
01:01:10,266 --> 01:01:13,368
Now, Normand,
I see you there playing the victim.
1169
01:01:13,369 --> 01:01:15,405
Uh...
1170
01:01:17,306 --> 01:01:18,708
Tony...
1171
01:01:20,643 --> 01:01:22,944
The beauty of the recorder,
as we all know,
1172
01:01:22,945 --> 01:01:24,946
is you get to communicate with music.
1173
01:01:24,947 --> 01:01:27,783
Sometimes words don't do this so...
1174
01:01:27,784 --> 01:01:31,086
And I know this is
a super hardcore comedy crowd.
1175
01:01:31,087 --> 01:01:34,357
But out there somewhere,
someone's feelings have been hurt,
1176
01:01:35,224 --> 01:01:37,993
and that's why I've come up
with a little tune
1177
01:01:37,994 --> 01:01:40,697
to make it up
for all those with the hurt feelings.
1178
01:01:48,037 --> 01:01:50,872
Just an F and A energy.
1179
01:01:50,873 --> 01:01:54,876
Just a simple little, "I hear you."
1180
01:01:54,877 --> 01:01:57,346
We all hear you.
1181
01:02:11,928 --> 01:02:13,762
Close your eyes now,
1182
01:02:13,763 --> 01:02:16,499
and let me take you on a trip
to Trader Joe's.
1183
01:02:20,770 --> 01:02:22,104
Sorry.
1184
01:02:22,105 --> 01:02:24,372
That wasn't... That was just my COPD.
1185
01:02:24,373 --> 01:02:25,374
Now...
1186
01:02:26,609 --> 01:02:29,377
I guess I should end it strong.
Am I right, or no?
1187
01:02:29,378 --> 01:02:31,714
I think I'm doing okay, right? Yeah.
1188
01:02:37,954 --> 01:02:40,823
Well, for those of you from...
1189
01:02:42,191 --> 01:02:46,228
For those of you from...
...from New York, here's some advice.
1190
01:02:46,229 --> 01:02:49,397
Okay, first off,
you can't smell it all in one day.
1191
01:02:49,398 --> 01:02:51,434
Now...
1192
01:02:56,038 --> 01:03:00,710
It's late, my favorite time of night,
when the city bikes are all docked again.
1193
01:03:02,945 --> 01:03:04,747
Safely back in the rack.
1194
01:03:06,282 --> 01:03:09,718
Do you think they talk to each other
about the rides they had, Tony?
1195
01:03:09,719 --> 01:03:10,752
Oh, yeah!
1196
01:03:10,753 --> 01:03:12,687
"Where were you today, city bike?"
1197
01:03:12,688 --> 01:03:14,289
"Oh, I went around Central Park."
1198
01:03:14,290 --> 01:03:15,223
"How about you?"
1199
01:03:15,224 --> 01:03:17,292
"I was involved in a hate crime."
1200
01:03:17,293 --> 01:03:18,226
"Nice."
1201
01:03:18,227 --> 01:03:19,795
Good night. God bless.
1202
01:03:19,796 --> 01:03:21,429
Kill Tony forever.
1203
01:03:21,430 --> 01:03:26,101
The great Dave Attell,
ladies and gentlemen.
1204
01:03:26,102 --> 01:03:30,539
His special, Hot Cross Buns,
is on Netflix.
1205
01:03:30,540 --> 01:03:34,076
Watch right after this,
if you haven't already.
1206
01:03:36,679 --> 01:03:39,882
One more time
for the great Dave Attell, everyone.
1207
01:03:42,218 --> 01:03:44,186
We're going to bucket pull number four,
1208
01:03:44,187 --> 01:03:46,421
ladies and gentlemen,
we're flying through it.
1209
01:03:46,422 --> 01:03:49,224
Make some noise for Brennan Jim.
1210
01:03:49,225 --> 01:03:52,829
Bucket pull number four, Brennan Jim.
1211
01:03:57,200 --> 01:04:00,636
Make some noise
for Heidi and Valerie too, huh?
1212
01:04:04,373 --> 01:04:07,310
Here comes Brennan Jim.
1213
01:04:09,745 --> 01:04:11,781
Brennan Jim.
1214
01:04:17,386 --> 01:04:18,688
What's up, guys?
1215
01:04:19,255 --> 01:04:21,623
You know, I'm actually
a pretty nervous guy.
1216
01:04:21,624 --> 01:04:25,961
I get a little bit of stage fright,
you know, and people always ask me,
1217
01:04:25,962 --> 01:04:28,096
"Why do you do standup comedy
1218
01:04:28,097 --> 01:04:30,832
if you suffer from social anxiety
and stage fright?"
1219
01:04:30,833 --> 01:04:33,768
I tell them it's this little thing
called exposure therapy.
1220
01:04:33,769 --> 01:04:37,572
If you don't know what that is,
it's like, if you're afraid of something,
1221
01:04:37,573 --> 01:04:39,374
you just go around it for a while
1222
01:04:39,375 --> 01:04:41,810
and then, eventually,
you won't be afraid of it.
1223
01:04:41,811 --> 01:04:44,012
So like, say you're afraid of babies.
1224
01:04:44,013 --> 01:04:47,382
We would just take you
and throw you into a pool of babies
1225
01:04:47,383 --> 01:04:50,019
and suddenly,
you wouldn't be afraid anymore.
1226
01:04:53,155 --> 01:04:56,791
Let's say you have somebody
who is afraid of dead babies.
1227
01:04:56,792 --> 01:05:00,196
We just take you back to that pool
because nobody's watching those babies.
1228
01:05:05,368 --> 01:05:09,638
I was telling my friend about this,
and I was like, "You have any advice?"
1229
01:05:09,639 --> 01:05:11,439
And he's like, "Uh, yeah."
1230
01:05:11,440 --> 01:05:14,476
He looks at me, "Why don't you
just picture the crowd naked?"
1231
01:05:14,477 --> 01:05:17,613
I was like, "In today's day and age,
that's like assault, isn't it?"
1232
01:05:18,848 --> 01:05:21,917
But I like to listen to my elders.
1233
01:05:21,918 --> 01:05:25,888
So I can tell you this,
looking at this crowd right now...
1234
01:05:26,923 --> 01:05:28,591
bad fucking advice.
1235
01:05:29,659 --> 01:05:32,061
And it's not because of you,
it's because of me.
1236
01:05:33,496 --> 01:05:34,530
Wow.
1237
01:05:35,031 --> 01:05:36,464
Wow.
1238
01:05:36,465 --> 01:05:40,268
Brennan Jim, how long have you
been doing standup comedy?
1239
01:05:40,269 --> 01:05:42,304
- About a year.
- About a year. Where at?
1240
01:05:42,305 --> 01:05:46,808
Um, I did one, actually, here in New York.
It was actually my first one.
1241
01:05:46,809 --> 01:05:49,778
- I did on the fourth of July last year.
- Where do you live?
1242
01:05:49,779 --> 01:05:51,513
I live in Elmira, New York.
1243
01:05:51,514 --> 01:05:52,949
- Elmira?
- Yeah.
1244
01:05:54,317 --> 01:05:56,151
How far away is that from here?
1245
01:05:56,152 --> 01:05:57,752
About three-and-a-half hours.
1246
01:05:57,753 --> 01:05:59,855
Three-and-a-half hours. North?
1247
01:06:00,890 --> 01:06:03,291
- Uh, west.
- Okay.
1248
01:06:03,292 --> 01:06:06,561
What's it known for?
What's Elmira, New York known for?
1249
01:06:06,562 --> 01:06:08,163
Oh, trains.
1250
01:06:08,164 --> 01:06:12,400
And then Ithaca is not far away.
And that's known for colleges and stuff.
1251
01:06:12,401 --> 01:06:15,437
And I've done a couple open mics
up in Ithaca.
1252
01:06:15,438 --> 01:06:18,640
Your interview is as exciting as your set.
1253
01:06:18,641 --> 01:06:20,943
What do you do for work?
1254
01:06:21,610 --> 01:06:23,478
I, uh, I build stuff.
1255
01:06:23,479 --> 01:06:25,847
I build trains, actually.
1256
01:06:25,848 --> 01:06:27,148
I used to...
1257
01:06:27,149 --> 01:06:30,852
Growing up I always liked
Thomas the Tank Engine,
1258
01:06:30,853 --> 01:06:33,088
and now I get to build them.
1259
01:06:33,089 --> 01:06:34,757
Okay, well...
1260
01:06:35,925 --> 01:06:37,492
You're on the wrong track.
1261
01:06:37,493 --> 01:06:39,761
Yeah, I know, right?
1262
01:06:39,762 --> 01:06:41,796
You know, you don't win them all.
1263
01:06:41,797 --> 01:06:43,431
Or maybe any.
1264
01:06:43,432 --> 01:06:46,634
What do you guys think about Brennan Jim?
Matt?
1265
01:06:46,635 --> 01:06:48,837
- Uh--
- Go ahead.
1266
01:06:48,838 --> 01:06:51,007
I thought it was Redban's best set.
1267
01:06:53,676 --> 01:06:56,644
Redban taking strays out here.
Mark Normand?
1268
01:06:56,645 --> 01:06:59,047
You build trains,
but you're giving trailer.
1269
01:06:59,048 --> 01:07:01,483
Yeah.
1270
01:07:01,484 --> 01:07:03,251
You got an interesting look too.
1271
01:07:03,252 --> 01:07:05,921
In a tough set,
I'd go with a Zohran Bombdani.
1272
01:07:07,423 --> 01:07:08,857
I'm from West Virginia.
1273
01:07:08,858 --> 01:07:13,595
It's kind of a mix of a mountaineer look
and I'm-too-lazy-to-shave look, you know?
1274
01:07:13,596 --> 01:07:14,729
A-ha!
1275
01:07:14,730 --> 01:07:17,298
Oh, boy.
1276
01:07:17,299 --> 01:07:20,101
- All right, well...
- It's a tough crowd, but...
1277
01:07:20,102 --> 01:07:21,736
Uh, no, you suck.
1278
01:07:21,737 --> 01:07:24,272
Here's a little joke book.
1279
01:07:24,273 --> 01:07:27,409
There he goes.
Bucket pull number four, Brennan Jim.
1280
01:07:27,410 --> 01:07:29,611
Is this a joke book?
1281
01:07:29,612 --> 01:07:32,314
It's empty, just like yours is.
1282
01:07:34,216 --> 01:07:37,218
All right, We're having fun here.
Let's do something special.
1283
01:07:37,219 --> 01:07:42,792
Ladies and gentlemen, one of the greatest
regulars in the history of the show,
1284
01:07:43,826 --> 01:07:49,732
a young legend who is a juggernaut,
absolutely flying through show business,
1285
01:07:50,299 --> 01:07:54,302
doing movies, turning down legendary gigs,
1286
01:07:54,303 --> 01:07:56,304
accepting other legendary gigs,
1287
01:07:56,305 --> 01:07:59,240
getting to pick and choose
what he does with his life
1288
01:07:59,241 --> 01:08:03,011
because he has ridden
the Kill Tony fucking wave
1289
01:08:03,012 --> 01:08:05,313
all the way to wherever he wants to go...
1290
01:08:05,314 --> 01:08:07,916
Ladies and gentlemen,
how loud can this place get
1291
01:08:07,917 --> 01:08:10,019
for the great Kam Patterson?
1292
01:08:29,839 --> 01:08:31,040
{\an8}What's up?
1293
01:08:34,577 --> 01:08:36,479
Hell yeah!
1294
01:08:37,313 --> 01:08:40,782
I've, uh... I've spent a lot of time
with my parents lately,
1295
01:08:40,783 --> 01:08:42,784
and I've been around my mom a lot,
1296
01:08:42,785 --> 01:08:45,521
and I've realized
that my mom is a psychopath.
1297
01:08:46,555 --> 01:08:49,224
It's funny 'cause like she...
I'm an only child.
1298
01:08:49,225 --> 01:08:50,992
So she didn't really have, like,
1299
01:08:50,993 --> 01:08:54,896
no guidelines on how to raise me,
she didn't know what she was doing.
1300
01:08:54,897 --> 01:08:56,664
I remember when I was real young,
1301
01:08:56,665 --> 01:09:01,069
if I ever got sick, she never gave me
like a hand to the forehead.
1302
01:09:01,070 --> 01:09:02,570
I never got one of those.
1303
01:09:02,571 --> 01:09:05,106
I never got one of these, dawg. Never.
1304
01:09:05,107 --> 01:09:09,311
If I was like, "Mama, I don't feel good,"
she would always go, "Drop them drawers."
1305
01:09:10,012 --> 01:09:11,980
And I would pull my pants down.
1306
01:09:11,981 --> 01:09:15,818
And if my balls was hanging down too low,
that means I had a fever.
1307
01:09:17,620 --> 01:09:19,688
That's not a real thing, dawg.
1308
01:09:20,322 --> 01:09:22,224
She made that shit up, man.
1309
01:09:22,958 --> 01:09:27,062
The worst part about it is I didn't know
that was wrong until last week, dawg.
1310
01:09:27,997 --> 01:09:29,898
Until my homeboy had a son.
1311
01:09:29,899 --> 01:09:32,033
He's like, "My son don't feel good."
1312
01:09:32,034 --> 01:09:34,536
I said, "Check the nigga balls, dawg."
1313
01:09:34,537 --> 01:09:36,971
"If his balls is hanging down,
he got a fever."
1314
01:09:36,972 --> 01:09:39,307
"Trust me. My mama told me that."
1315
01:09:39,308 --> 01:09:41,476
He said, "Nigga,
I think you got molested."
1316
01:09:41,477 --> 01:09:44,279
"Ain't no way in hell
that's a real thing."
1317
01:09:44,280 --> 01:09:46,748
Thank y'all so much. Been camp.
Appreciate y'all.
1318
01:09:46,749 --> 01:09:48,917
Boom!
1319
01:09:48,918 --> 01:09:51,119
One minute, 15 seconds.
1320
01:09:51,120 --> 01:09:52,253
- Pow!
- Did it again.
1321
01:09:52,254 --> 01:09:54,522
- Come on.
- The great Kam Patterson.
1322
01:09:54,523 --> 01:09:56,491
- You bet, baby.
- I love it.
1323
01:09:56,492 --> 01:09:58,626
You're doing it. It's been a long time
1324
01:09:58,627 --> 01:10:01,196
since you've been on the show,
you've been working,
1325
01:10:01,197 --> 01:10:05,333
up here in New York, down in Florida,
all around, film and movies,
1326
01:10:05,334 --> 01:10:07,602
while continuing to do standup.
1327
01:10:07,603 --> 01:10:09,938
- How's life going, Kam?
- Life been great, bro.
1328
01:10:09,939 --> 01:10:11,372
I just did a movie. That was cool.
1329
01:10:11,373 --> 01:10:13,174
I gotta kiss bitches on camera.
Hell, yeah.
1330
01:10:13,175 --> 01:10:15,310
- Whoa!
- Yes, I'm a porn star now.
1331
01:10:15,311 --> 01:10:16,711
Life is great.
1332
01:10:16,712 --> 01:10:17,979
- Hell, yeah.
- Hell.
1333
01:10:17,980 --> 01:10:20,882
It was weird. The kissing ho's was...
it was strange, dawg,
1334
01:10:20,883 --> 01:10:24,152
'cause, you know, movies,
they got like an intimacy coordinator.
1335
01:10:24,153 --> 01:10:26,521
They got to watch you kiss and shit.
1336
01:10:26,522 --> 01:10:29,357
And I thought I was gonna be
more like an HR situation.
1337
01:10:29,358 --> 01:10:32,760
But she was more like, "Yeah,
you kissing real good right now?"
1338
01:10:32,761 --> 01:10:34,996
"Yeah, you're doing great, nigga."
1339
01:10:34,997 --> 01:10:35,897
"Kiss her harder."
1340
01:10:35,898 --> 01:10:36,898
It was weird.
1341
01:10:36,899 --> 01:10:39,267
- Wow.
- That's a real strange shit, dawg.
1342
01:10:39,268 --> 01:10:41,769
That's a real job?
An intimacy coordinator?
1343
01:10:41,770 --> 01:10:42,937
Pretty fucked up.
1344
01:10:42,938 --> 01:10:45,173
It was a fat white lady, and she was bald.
1345
01:10:45,174 --> 01:10:47,242
- Oh. Shit.
- Yeah.
1346
01:10:47,243 --> 01:10:48,876
New York's treating you well?
1347
01:10:48,877 --> 01:10:50,478
Yeah, been great, man.
1348
01:10:50,479 --> 01:10:51,913
It's been pretty cool, bro.
1349
01:10:51,914 --> 01:10:52,847
Hell, yeah.
1350
01:10:52,848 --> 01:10:54,283
Come on. He fits right in.
1351
01:10:56,252 --> 01:10:57,253
Appreciate you.
1352
01:10:58,187 --> 01:10:59,654
- Yeah, I love it.
- Hell, yeah.
1353
01:10:59,655 --> 01:11:01,623
I'm excited to see you in more movies.
1354
01:11:01,624 --> 01:11:04,559
That's the game plan.
I can't act real good, but it's fun.
1355
01:11:04,560 --> 01:11:06,794
No. You're the next Jonathan Minors.
1356
01:11:06,795 --> 01:11:08,997
I don't know who the fuck that is.
1357
01:11:08,998 --> 01:11:10,064
Jonathan Majors.
1358
01:11:10,065 --> 01:11:12,600
- Oh, what he do?
- Well, it depends on who you ask.
1359
01:11:12,601 --> 01:11:15,436
Okay, well, there you go.
I don't want to be that nigga.
1360
01:11:15,437 --> 01:11:17,905
I will say that's weird, though.
1361
01:11:17,906 --> 01:11:20,141
The movie shit is strange because I can't.
1362
01:11:20,142 --> 01:11:24,279
I can't act. And I'm acting with people
that can act like the girls I was kissing.
1363
01:11:24,280 --> 01:11:26,714
They can act for real.
You feel what I'm saying?
1364
01:11:26,715 --> 01:11:29,384
So when we were kissing and shit,
my dick would get hard.
1365
01:11:29,385 --> 01:11:32,620
Because I'm not an actor.
1366
01:11:32,621 --> 01:11:35,591
You feel what I'm saying? Like my dick
is thinking that you want to fuck us.
1367
01:11:37,026 --> 01:11:39,228
- Your dick was in a documentary.
- A hun--
1368
01:11:42,464 --> 01:11:44,632
- Hell, yeah.
- I love it.
1369
01:11:44,633 --> 01:11:47,368
What else you been doing for fun?
Dad's good...
1370
01:11:47,369 --> 01:11:51,339
I saw ya. I've been hanging out the last
couple of nights with you and the fam.
1371
01:11:51,340 --> 01:11:53,107
- Hell, yeah.
- Your dad's out.
1372
01:11:53,108 --> 01:11:55,276
- Dad's feet are out.
- All the way out.
1373
01:11:55,277 --> 01:11:58,279
It's insane to have your feet
out in New York, nigga.
1374
01:11:58,280 --> 01:12:01,683
But his feet scare rats, so that's fine.
You feel what I'm saying?
1375
01:12:01,684 --> 01:12:03,284
- Yeah.
- Real shit.
1376
01:12:03,285 --> 01:12:05,820
- Yeah, no doubt about it. Amazing.
- Real shit.
1377
01:12:05,821 --> 01:12:08,489
I love it. What else, Kam? Anything else?
1378
01:12:08,490 --> 01:12:10,992
That's it. Just been running around.
You feel me.
1379
01:12:10,993 --> 01:12:13,061
- You're crushing.
- Trying to get better.
1380
01:12:13,062 --> 01:12:14,896
No, no smash and grabs?
1381
01:12:14,897 --> 01:12:16,297
Nah, not yet.
1382
01:12:16,298 --> 01:12:19,601
- All right.
- I'm thinking about it, though.
1383
01:12:20,502 --> 01:12:21,869
Kam, you're killing it.
1384
01:12:21,870 --> 01:12:24,439
You've taken all the momentum
from this show
1385
01:12:24,440 --> 01:12:27,942
and you are absolutely crushing in life.
1386
01:12:27,943 --> 01:12:30,411
- Appreciate it.
- Perhaps more than anybody has
1387
01:12:30,412 --> 01:12:32,413
with the opportunity given to you.
1388
01:12:32,414 --> 01:12:33,948
It's absolutely incredible.
1389
01:12:33,949 --> 01:12:36,751
One of my best friends,
one of my favorite comedians,
1390
01:12:36,752 --> 01:12:40,155
make some noise one more time
for Kam Patterson, everybody.
1391
01:12:43,125 --> 01:12:44,625
Let's go Legends Bucket, huh?
1392
01:12:44,626 --> 01:12:47,028
- Legends Bucket again?
- Yeah!
1393
01:12:47,029 --> 01:12:48,597
Let's fucking do it!
1394
01:12:49,331 --> 01:12:53,835
Ladies and gentlemen,
oh, my God, I present to you
1395
01:12:53,836 --> 01:12:56,605
one of my best drinking buddies.
1396
01:12:57,406 --> 01:13:01,609
He is formerly a full time New Yorker
1397
01:13:01,610 --> 01:13:05,246
and now lives in Austin, Texas.
1398
01:13:05,247 --> 01:13:07,181
Make some noise for one of the best.
1399
01:13:07,182 --> 01:13:12,220
Truly the great,
Joe DeRosa, everybody, is here.
1400
01:13:12,221 --> 01:13:14,722
Live in the flesh.
1401
01:13:14,723 --> 01:13:15,891
Yeah!
1402
01:13:21,663 --> 01:13:24,565
{\an8}Hey, hey.
1403
01:13:24,566 --> 01:13:26,667
{\an8}MSG.
1404
01:13:26,668 --> 01:13:28,337
What's going on?
1405
01:13:32,408 --> 01:13:36,043
I was texting with a woman recently,
1406
01:13:36,044 --> 01:13:40,481
and I was positive
I was gonna have phone sex.
1407
01:13:40,482 --> 01:13:44,987
Positive because it was 11:45 p.m.
1408
01:13:46,188 --> 01:13:49,691
And she wrote, "Are you all cozy in bed?"
1409
01:13:50,826 --> 01:13:54,096
And I said, "Yes, I am."
1410
01:13:55,597 --> 01:13:57,566
I was lying. I was in a chair.
1411
01:13:58,333 --> 01:14:01,636
Well, you lie when that text comes in.
You could be making fajitas.
1412
01:14:01,637 --> 01:14:03,605
You're like, "Fuck it, they'll burn."
1413
01:14:04,339 --> 01:14:06,542
I wanna jizz.
1414
01:14:09,478 --> 01:14:10,778
Then she wrote,
1415
01:14:10,779 --> 01:14:13,649
"So, what's on your mind?"
1416
01:14:14,650 --> 01:14:17,886
I was like, "Oh, shit,
here we fucking go."
1417
01:14:19,054 --> 01:14:20,756
And I thought, let me be smooth.
1418
01:14:21,323 --> 01:14:22,924
Let me be smooth.
1419
01:14:22,925 --> 01:14:26,495
So I said, "That's a great question."
1420
01:14:27,663 --> 01:14:30,332
"What's on your mind?"
1421
01:14:31,900 --> 01:14:33,568
Three dots started going.
1422
01:14:33,569 --> 01:14:35,871
I was staring at those fucking dots.
1423
01:14:36,538 --> 01:14:39,675
I can't wait to see
what's on this bitch's mind.
1424
01:14:43,912 --> 01:14:45,280
You know what she said?
1425
01:14:46,348 --> 01:14:47,583
Palestine.
1426
01:14:50,652 --> 01:14:53,322
Pales-- And with a full fucking boner.
1427
01:14:54,356 --> 01:14:58,292
I had to type, "I do not feel
well-read enough on that subject
1428
01:14:58,293 --> 01:15:00,395
to discuss it properly at the moment."
1429
01:15:03,565 --> 01:15:05,933
Fellas. Let that be a lesson to you.
1430
01:15:05,934 --> 01:15:09,004
Always lob it back once for safety.
1431
01:15:10,606 --> 01:15:13,641
Doesn't matter how much
of a green light you think you have.
1432
01:15:13,642 --> 01:15:16,545
Lob it the fuck back once.
1433
01:15:18,146 --> 01:15:20,748
'Cause "So, what's on your mind?"
1434
01:15:20,749 --> 01:15:23,485
That sounds like a goddamn
green light, doesn't it?
1435
01:15:24,653 --> 01:15:26,221
Good thing I didn't tell her.
1436
01:15:27,756 --> 01:15:29,590
Good thing I didn't go,
"What's on my mind?"
1437
01:15:29,591 --> 01:15:32,393
"I want to shoot my load all over
your fat fucking tits right now."
1438
01:15:32,394 --> 01:15:34,061
"That's what's on my mind."
1439
01:15:34,062 --> 01:15:35,997
"Then I want to finger fuck your pussy
1440
01:15:35,998 --> 01:15:38,966
till you squirt on my palm.
That's what's on my mind."
1441
01:15:38,967 --> 01:15:41,736
"Then I want you to suck my dick
till you drink my jizz
1442
01:15:41,737 --> 01:15:43,271
all the way down your throat."
1443
01:15:43,272 --> 01:15:45,040
"That's what's on my mind."
1444
01:15:47,476 --> 01:15:50,479
"What's on your mind?"
1445
01:15:53,181 --> 01:15:54,516
Palestine?
1446
01:15:56,752 --> 01:15:59,086
"No, no, no.
That's what I was talking about."
1447
01:15:59,087 --> 01:16:01,856
"That happened to a guy there today.
It was on the news."
1448
01:16:01,857 --> 01:16:03,257
"It was horrible."
1449
01:16:03,258 --> 01:16:05,993
"We must stop this conflict."
1450
01:16:05,994 --> 01:16:08,362
All right, guys, I gotta go.
Thank you so much.
1451
01:16:08,363 --> 01:16:10,531
Kill Tony, appreciate you.
1452
01:16:10,532 --> 01:16:12,767
Appreciate you, appreciate you.
1453
01:16:12,768 --> 01:16:15,002
Joe, you are the fucking man.
1454
01:16:15,003 --> 01:16:16,704
- Love you, buddy.
- So awesome.
1455
01:16:16,705 --> 01:16:18,406
We always have so much fun.
1456
01:16:18,407 --> 01:16:21,342
We've been having fun.
We had too much fun two nights ago.
1457
01:16:21,343 --> 01:16:22,643
Fucked me up last night.
1458
01:16:22,644 --> 01:16:24,879
I had to do standup here last night.
1459
01:16:24,880 --> 01:16:27,648
Something about you
just makes me want to drink, dude.
1460
01:16:27,649 --> 01:16:29,717
I don't know what it is, man.
1461
01:16:29,718 --> 01:16:32,086
It is so fucking cool to be here.
1462
01:16:32,087 --> 01:16:34,656
Thank you for having me
and I want to say this.
1463
01:16:36,091 --> 01:16:39,760
I want to say this on Netflix
in front of all these people here.
1464
01:16:39,761 --> 01:16:41,996
Dude, I've been doing this show with you
1465
01:16:41,997 --> 01:16:45,232
since it was in the belly room
at the comedy store
1466
01:16:45,233 --> 01:16:47,368
and there was 20 people there.
1467
01:16:47,369 --> 01:16:50,571
This is fucking insane.
1468
01:16:50,572 --> 01:16:52,907
- Thank you, buddy.
- You changed shit, buddy.
1469
01:16:52,908 --> 01:16:55,710
- Thank you for making me a part of it.
- You're the man.
1470
01:16:55,711 --> 01:16:58,946
- Joe DeRosa. Ladies and gentlemen.
- Love you, guys. Good night.
1471
01:16:58,947 --> 01:17:00,748
joederosa.com.
1472
01:17:00,749 --> 01:17:02,683
He's on tour and his special
1473
01:17:02,684 --> 01:17:06,253
I Never Promised You a Rose Garden
is out there right now.
1474
01:17:06,254 --> 01:17:07,221
The best special.
1475
01:17:07,222 --> 01:17:10,257
And it is one of the best
specials of the year.
1476
01:17:10,258 --> 01:17:14,061
Let's keep this fun train
moving along, everybody.
1477
01:17:14,062 --> 01:17:15,831
We're gonna go bucket pull five.
1478
01:17:18,367 --> 01:17:20,635
Here we go.
We're gonna meet 'em all together.
1479
01:17:20,636 --> 01:17:23,372
We're 50-50. Booze through the set.
1480
01:17:24,906 --> 01:17:27,775
Try to hold your booze
at least until they're done.
1481
01:17:27,776 --> 01:17:29,377
Try your best.
1482
01:17:29,378 --> 01:17:32,580
It's more fun if you wait,
and then at the end of 60 seconds,
1483
01:17:32,581 --> 01:17:34,449
you just let it rip all at once.
1484
01:17:34,983 --> 01:17:37,485
Let's try our best, make some noise,
1485
01:17:37,486 --> 01:17:40,221
someone hopefully
trying to make it tonight.
1486
01:17:40,222 --> 01:17:46,428
It's Ryan P. Flaherty, Ryan P. Flaherty.
1487
01:17:51,299 --> 01:17:54,503
What's up, New York?
I like blow jobs, too.
1488
01:17:58,240 --> 01:18:00,341
Hi, guys. My name's Ryan.
1489
01:18:00,342 --> 01:18:06,415
I look like my most recent Internet search
was just "vacuum, dick, stuck, help."
1490
01:18:09,685 --> 01:18:14,656
I look like I would be a camp counselor
for theater kids on Klonopin.
1491
01:18:17,392 --> 01:18:20,095
I'd like to do a dad joke.
Is that okay with y'all?
1492
01:18:23,131 --> 01:18:26,500
Uh, as someone whose dad is named Frank
1493
01:18:26,501 --> 01:18:29,671
and whose dad
is on the sex offender registry...
1494
01:18:31,239 --> 01:18:34,208
...any time somebody starts a sentence
like, "I'll just be frank."
1495
01:18:34,209 --> 01:18:36,611
I want to go... "No!"
1496
01:18:39,281 --> 01:18:41,082
"You don't wanna do that."
1497
01:18:41,083 --> 01:18:42,650
It's fine. He's dead.
1498
01:18:42,651 --> 01:18:44,186
To me.
1499
01:18:45,153 --> 01:18:46,721
It's a big night for me, y'all.
1500
01:18:46,722 --> 01:18:48,189
I'm so glad to be here.
1501
01:18:48,190 --> 01:18:52,561
I don't normally do this,
but I brought business cards tonight.
1502
01:18:54,329 --> 01:18:58,399
They're not mine. But I've been finding
cool ones and writing my shit on the back.
1503
01:18:58,400 --> 01:19:00,801
If you're type O-positive,
Earl needs a kidney.
1504
01:19:00,802 --> 01:19:03,037
Thank you so much. I'm Ryan.
1505
01:19:03,038 --> 01:19:04,739
Ryan P. Flaherty.
1506
01:19:04,740 --> 01:19:06,807
You did it, Ryan P.
1507
01:19:06,808 --> 01:19:09,243
- Thanks, guys.
- Hell, yeah.
1508
01:19:09,244 --> 01:19:10,978
How long you been doing standup?
1509
01:19:10,979 --> 01:19:13,147
Uh, if you count COVID, like, seven years.
1510
01:19:13,148 --> 01:19:14,882
Nice. All of it here in New York?
1511
01:19:14,883 --> 01:19:17,284
No, I'm from Scranton, Pennsylvania.
1512
01:19:17,285 --> 01:19:18,252
Okay.
1513
01:19:18,253 --> 01:19:19,386
Wow.
1514
01:19:19,387 --> 01:19:21,922
Rock solid for being from Scranton, PA.
1515
01:19:21,923 --> 01:19:23,324
What do you do for work?
1516
01:19:23,325 --> 01:19:25,359
I'm a maintenance kind of guy.
1517
01:19:25,360 --> 01:19:26,627
I just do stupid shit.
1518
01:19:26,628 --> 01:19:27,695
Grout, paint.
1519
01:19:27,696 --> 01:19:30,397
I work on fast food ice cream machines.
1520
01:19:30,398 --> 01:19:31,966
Whoa, that's you.
1521
01:19:31,967 --> 01:19:34,535
- An American hero.
- I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
1522
01:19:34,536 --> 01:19:36,871
No, it's great.
You're the one that fixes 'em.
1523
01:19:36,872 --> 01:19:37,772
Yep.
1524
01:19:37,773 --> 01:19:39,841
You also look like
you might break them sometimes too.
1525
01:19:40,909 --> 01:19:42,343
- I love it.
- Keeps me busy.
1526
01:19:42,344 --> 01:19:44,211
I love it. You married?
1527
01:19:44,212 --> 01:19:45,346
Uh, yeah.
1528
01:19:45,347 --> 01:19:46,413
You got kids?
1529
01:19:46,414 --> 01:19:48,482
- Uh, yeah. One kid.
- One kid.
1530
01:19:48,483 --> 01:19:49,950
- Yeah.
- How old's the kid?
1531
01:19:49,951 --> 01:19:51,886
- Just turned 12. Pretty cool.
- Twelve.
1532
01:19:51,887 --> 01:19:53,854
- Awesome. Boy or girl?
- Hell, yeah, man.
1533
01:19:53,855 --> 01:19:55,055
Girl-- Uh, boy.
1534
01:19:55,056 --> 01:19:56,090
Wow. Look at that.
1535
01:19:56,091 --> 01:19:57,124
Trans.
1536
01:19:57,125 --> 01:19:59,293
It's scary up here, guys. Come on.
1537
01:19:59,294 --> 01:20:02,129
Got a trans 12-year-old. That's awesome.
1538
01:20:02,130 --> 01:20:03,230
We'll see.
1539
01:20:03,231 --> 01:20:05,801
Jim Norton's backstage
googling her right now.
1540
01:20:07,369 --> 01:20:10,404
I love it. What do you do for fun,
Ryan P. Flaherty?
1541
01:20:10,405 --> 01:20:13,340
Dude, this, improv,
spend time with the family.
1542
01:20:13,341 --> 01:20:15,476
I don't got time. I just want to do this.
1543
01:20:15,477 --> 01:20:16,911
I love it. Fucking awesome.
1544
01:20:16,912 --> 01:20:20,248
And look at you.
You're in Madison Square Garden right now.
1545
01:20:23,985 --> 01:20:26,720
You went from standing out
on the street at 3:00 p.m.
1546
01:20:26,721 --> 01:20:29,824
Now you're in the Garden
performing a sold-out show.
1547
01:20:29,825 --> 01:20:31,025
You're on Netflix.
1548
01:20:31,026 --> 01:20:32,359
How do you feel?
1549
01:20:32,360 --> 01:20:34,562
So far, so-so, man.
1550
01:20:34,563 --> 01:20:36,030
Pretty cool with it.
1551
01:20:36,031 --> 01:20:39,200
This is going better than
I could have ever anticipated so far.
1552
01:20:39,201 --> 01:20:40,668
Yeah.
1553
01:20:40,669 --> 01:20:43,437
Wow.
1554
01:20:43,438 --> 01:20:44,839
Yeah!
1555
01:20:44,840 --> 01:20:46,874
They like me, Tony. They really like me.
1556
01:20:46,875 --> 01:20:48,008
They do.
1557
01:20:48,009 --> 01:20:52,513
Anything else interesting about your life
we should know about, Ryan P?
1558
01:20:52,514 --> 01:20:55,416
Um... I could wiggle my ears. Uh...
1559
01:20:55,417 --> 01:20:56,784
Let's see that ear wiggle.
1560
01:20:56,785 --> 01:20:57,852
Let's see it.
1561
01:20:57,853 --> 01:21:00,588
Look right down at that camera.
Right down the center.
1562
01:21:00,589 --> 01:21:03,557
- There, you see a red light down there.
- I'll find it.
1563
01:21:03,558 --> 01:21:07,661
Or it's right down the middle there.
1564
01:21:07,662 --> 01:21:09,731
Are they wiggling?
1565
01:21:11,733 --> 01:21:13,401
Is that a good ear wiggle?
1566
01:21:14,970 --> 01:21:18,105
This is Kill Tony, ladies and gentlemen.
1567
01:21:18,106 --> 01:21:20,107
Anything can happen.
1568
01:21:20,108 --> 01:21:21,176
Amazing.
1569
01:21:21,843 --> 01:21:24,645
What else? Tell us something else
fun about your life.
1570
01:21:24,646 --> 01:21:29,050
Um... I lost my virginity
on the auditorium stage of my high school.
1571
01:21:31,453 --> 01:21:33,288
You too?
1572
01:21:35,390 --> 01:21:38,025
I'm getting word that we have
an instant replay available.
1573
01:21:38,026 --> 01:21:42,596
We have the director
of the UFC events here.
1574
01:21:42,597 --> 01:21:44,064
Can I see an instant replay?
1575
01:21:44,065 --> 01:21:46,000
I didn't get to see it. We have that.
1576
01:21:46,001 --> 01:21:48,936
We have that center screen. Where is that?
1577
01:21:48,937 --> 01:21:50,005
What?
1578
01:21:51,006 --> 01:21:52,574
Yeah, I still don't, really.
1579
01:21:53,475 --> 01:21:55,376
It's barely an ear wiggle, really.
1580
01:21:55,377 --> 01:21:57,478
It's a ear-ish wiggle.
1581
01:21:57,479 --> 01:22:00,648
Yeah, it's a lot of pressure, Tony.
1582
01:22:00,649 --> 01:22:03,017
Just a little trick
to get the kids in the van.
1583
01:22:03,018 --> 01:22:04,652
Yeah.
1584
01:22:04,653 --> 01:22:07,956
How do you look like a pedophile
but have a voice of the victim?
1585
01:22:10,091 --> 01:22:11,759
I'm just very special, Matt.
1586
01:22:11,760 --> 01:22:14,361
I love that you have a son.
Imagine your kids being bullied
1587
01:22:14,362 --> 01:22:18,098
and they're like, "My dad'll beat you up,"
and just another kid shows up.
1588
01:22:18,099 --> 01:22:21,602
Yeah, dude, I have to have his friends
that hit puberty go.
1589
01:22:21,603 --> 01:22:23,672
And, like, pretend they're me, you know?
1590
01:22:25,307 --> 01:22:26,308
All right.
1591
01:22:27,909 --> 01:22:30,244
Well, my friend,
you did fantastic tonight.
1592
01:22:30,245 --> 01:22:33,681
I do believe you're the most popular
comedian in Scranton right now.
1593
01:22:33,682 --> 01:22:37,451
How about one more time for
Ryan P. Flaherty, ladies and gentlemen?
1594
01:22:37,452 --> 01:22:41,088
There he goes, everybody.
1595
01:22:41,089 --> 01:22:43,057
And we're gonna keep it moving along.
1596
01:22:43,058 --> 01:22:45,626
Ladies and gentlemen,
one of the greatest regulars
1597
01:22:45,627 --> 01:22:48,296
in the history of the show.
1598
01:22:49,064 --> 01:22:51,465
A freak of nature who--
1599
01:22:51,466 --> 01:22:56,071
This will be his second time
performing in Madison Square Garden.
1600
01:22:56,805 --> 01:22:59,440
Ladies and gentlemen, what can I say?
1601
01:22:59,441 --> 01:23:03,677
We're here at the Mecca,
the world's most famous arena.
1602
01:23:03,678 --> 01:23:09,116
The greatest unions, the greatest staff,
the greatest crew possible.
1603
01:23:09,117 --> 01:23:14,221
Every single person
at the Garden is a surgeon at their job.
1604
01:23:14,222 --> 01:23:19,961
And I think this arena represents America
better than any other place on earth.
1605
01:23:21,663 --> 01:23:27,836
And this young man hopes to represent
America very soon as an American.
1606
01:23:28,470 --> 01:23:32,574
But today he remains
the Estonian assassin.
1607
01:23:33,241 --> 01:23:36,811
Ladies and gentlemen, this is Ari Matti.
1608
01:24:03,938 --> 01:24:07,642
I'm not a political guy.
1609
01:24:08,977 --> 01:24:10,178
I don't give a fuck.
1610
01:24:11,679 --> 01:24:15,016
I'm on whatever side
the person I'm talking to is on.
1611
01:24:16,818 --> 01:24:18,853
If you're a big-titted Muslim bitch,
1612
01:24:19,888 --> 01:24:21,723
"From the river to the sea," my queen.
1613
01:24:24,793 --> 01:24:27,662
I'm not like a guy who's like,
"Well, actually, fuck you."
1614
01:24:28,496 --> 01:24:31,266
I do whatever the 51% is doing.
1615
01:24:32,300 --> 01:24:35,402
If I'm on an airplane,
somebody puts their seat back to me,
1616
01:24:35,403 --> 01:24:38,839
I put my seat back
to whoever the fuck is behind me.
1617
01:24:38,840 --> 01:24:40,875
You fuck me? I fuck you.
1618
01:24:44,212 --> 01:24:46,213
That's how the world works.
1619
01:24:46,214 --> 01:24:48,682
We all go, "Fuck you! Fuck you!
1620
01:24:48,683 --> 01:24:50,217
Fuck you! Fuck you!
1621
01:24:50,218 --> 01:24:52,287
Fuck you!"
1622
01:24:54,956 --> 01:24:56,591
Until the last guy...
1623
01:25:01,196 --> 01:25:02,297
...can't.
1624
01:25:04,299 --> 01:25:05,866
I love living in America.
1625
01:25:05,867 --> 01:25:08,870
You guys are patriotic as fuck.
1626
01:25:14,342 --> 01:25:16,111
Nobody fucks with America.
1627
01:25:17,412 --> 01:25:19,514
I love that you guys bombed Iran.
1628
01:25:21,015 --> 01:25:24,084
Not because they had nuclear weapons,
1629
01:25:24,085 --> 01:25:26,721
but because they had the idea.
1630
01:25:28,990 --> 01:25:30,825
That's some gangster shit.
1631
01:25:34,028 --> 01:25:38,500
And I love when Americans are criticizing
Israel for really overreacting.
1632
01:25:39,434 --> 01:25:44,139
Oh, yeah? Kind of like
dropping two nuclear bombs
1633
01:25:45,773 --> 01:25:48,309
after somebody blows up
a couple of boats, huh?
1634
01:25:52,113 --> 01:25:53,681
I love that you guys did two.
1635
01:25:54,716 --> 01:25:59,187
I think after one, the Japanese
would have been like, "Oh, shit."
1636
01:26:00,121 --> 01:26:01,422
"Fuck!"
1637
01:26:02,757 --> 01:26:03,925
"Sorry."
1638
01:26:05,059 --> 01:26:06,995
"We didn't know you have the sun."
1639
01:26:11,432 --> 01:26:14,269
Remember when somebody blew up
a couple of towers?
1640
01:26:17,438 --> 01:26:20,175
A couple of teeny weeny towers
filled with Jews?
1641
01:26:23,211 --> 01:26:27,481
You guys are so patriotic
that even though it happened in New York,
1642
01:26:27,482 --> 01:26:31,285
there was guys in North Carolina
who saw that shit on TV,
1643
01:26:31,286 --> 01:26:34,322
and they were like, "Oh, yeah!"
1644
01:26:36,925 --> 01:26:41,461
You flew over an ocean, into a desert...
1645
01:26:41,462 --> 01:26:42,864
"Where is he?"
1646
01:26:45,700 --> 01:26:48,369
I guess what I'm saying,
Estonians are not patriotic.
1647
01:26:50,305 --> 01:26:53,173
You know what Estonians did
when Russia invaded us?
1648
01:26:53,174 --> 01:26:56,643
We learned the language.
1649
01:26:56,644 --> 01:26:57,678
Thank you, guys.
1650
01:26:57,679 --> 01:26:59,379
Wow. What a vibe.
1651
01:26:59,380 --> 01:27:00,315
Wow!
1652
01:27:01,115 --> 01:27:03,585
The force of Estonia.
1653
01:27:05,286 --> 01:27:10,090
The assassin has done
what he does yet again.
1654
01:27:10,091 --> 01:27:12,459
- Thank you.
- What a fucking set.
1655
01:27:12,460 --> 01:27:14,695
I was so scared to bring up that 9/11.
1656
01:27:14,696 --> 01:27:17,297
I told you before... this was...
1657
01:27:17,298 --> 01:27:19,367
Oh, it's a good joke.
I'll never forget it.
1658
01:27:23,004 --> 01:27:24,171
Hell, yeah.
1659
01:27:24,172 --> 01:27:26,440
- It brought the place down.
- Wow.
1660
01:27:26,441 --> 01:27:27,941
I love it, Ari.
1661
01:27:27,942 --> 01:27:29,743
You're absolutely crushing.
1662
01:27:29,744 --> 01:27:30,844
Fantastic.
1663
01:27:30,845 --> 01:27:32,613
How are you enjoying New York?
1664
01:27:32,614 --> 01:27:33,747
Yeah. So much fun, yeah.
1665
01:27:33,748 --> 01:27:37,150
I came here a few days early
just to work that set out,
1666
01:27:37,151 --> 01:27:39,253
and it was awesome. Running around clubs.
1667
01:27:39,254 --> 01:27:41,588
I saw Mark Normand around.
He helped me a little.
1668
01:27:41,589 --> 01:27:42,789
That was awesome.
1669
01:27:42,790 --> 01:27:46,461
Just to work the jokes, I'll get
the real New York experience.
1670
01:27:47,328 --> 01:27:48,196
Yeah.
1671
01:27:52,100 --> 01:27:53,033
That was awesome.
1672
01:27:53,034 --> 01:27:54,134
Yeah, you love it.
1673
01:27:54,135 --> 01:27:57,638
You're always grinding,
always hustling hard.
1674
01:27:57,639 --> 01:28:00,607
Mark, is this true?
You helped him out? What did you do?
1675
01:28:00,608 --> 01:28:02,342
Uh, I didn't touch any of that shit,
1676
01:28:02,343 --> 01:28:06,613
but no, no, we were working out.
Yeah, you got to run it.
1677
01:28:06,614 --> 01:28:07,547
It's the Garden.
1678
01:28:07,548 --> 01:28:09,483
- Yeah, it was awesome.
- You gotta prepare.
1679
01:28:09,484 --> 01:28:11,852
And Matt Rife,
on behalf of all the comedians,
1680
01:28:11,853 --> 01:28:14,454
thank you for bringing
the bitches out to comedy.
1681
01:28:14,455 --> 01:28:16,923
Thank you very much.
1682
01:28:16,924 --> 01:28:18,826
He's doing the Lord's work.
1683
01:28:19,694 --> 01:28:21,896
I've seen your crowds, thank heavens.
1684
01:28:23,197 --> 01:28:25,432
Can we pull up a Matt Rife shirtless pic?
1685
01:28:25,433 --> 01:28:26,333
What do you think?
1686
01:28:26,334 --> 01:28:29,102
- No, we don't have to...
- Okay.
1687
01:28:29,103 --> 01:28:31,272
Pull up a David Lucas shirtless pic.
1688
01:28:33,675 --> 01:28:36,411
- I have it on my... my wallpaper.
- You have great genes.
1689
01:28:37,178 --> 01:28:38,679
Ari, what else is going on?
1690
01:28:38,680 --> 01:28:43,551
Well, we got, you know,
what happened to us on Thursday?
1691
01:28:44,285 --> 01:28:47,120
We go to a sauna. Russian sauna.
1692
01:28:47,121 --> 01:28:49,523
Steam? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Now you remember?
1693
01:28:49,524 --> 01:28:51,058
- Yes, I do remember.
- Oh!
1694
01:28:51,059 --> 01:28:53,860
Me and Tony got sexually assaulted
in a steam room.
1695
01:28:53,861 --> 01:28:55,028
We did.
1696
01:28:55,029 --> 01:28:56,063
Redban?
1697
01:28:56,064 --> 01:28:58,198
No, I was not there.
1698
01:28:58,199 --> 01:29:01,368
Redban can't handle temperatures over 75.
1699
01:29:01,369 --> 01:29:03,003
Uh...
1700
01:29:03,004 --> 01:29:06,173
But Ari and I are big time sweaters.
1701
01:29:06,174 --> 01:29:09,142
- We have, we own our own saunas at home.
- Yeah.
1702
01:29:09,143 --> 01:29:10,811
And when we come to New York City,
1703
01:29:10,812 --> 01:29:12,579
there is a place here that's been here
1704
01:29:12,580 --> 01:29:15,615
- since, what, 18-like-70.
- Yeah.
1705
01:29:15,616 --> 01:29:18,919
The Turkish Russian bathhouse it's called.
1706
01:29:18,920 --> 01:29:22,389
I've been there for like... I've gone there,
like, five years in a row.
1707
01:29:22,390 --> 01:29:25,959
But this is the first time I went there
and I saw you there.
1708
01:29:25,960 --> 01:29:29,096
- And it was Men's Thursday.
- Yeah.
1709
01:29:29,097 --> 01:29:30,764
And we found out together...
1710
01:29:30,765 --> 01:29:33,900
- Well, yeah.
- Thursdays between 1:00 and 5:00
1711
01:29:33,901 --> 01:29:37,070
- is what they call "Men's time..."
- See.
1712
01:29:37,071 --> 01:29:38,839
...which it seems like
we would fit in there.
1713
01:29:38,840 --> 01:29:41,541
I thought, "Men's time",
oh, my God, intelligent conversation,
1714
01:29:41,542 --> 01:29:44,345
- cocks out, fun times...
- Yeah.
1715
01:29:45,646 --> 01:29:47,781
- Instead, you know...
- Dude.
1716
01:29:47,782 --> 01:29:49,149
And it started kind of slow.
1717
01:29:49,150 --> 01:29:50,984
I don't know if we haven't really gone
1718
01:29:50,985 --> 01:29:53,854
over this since it happened,
but I saw one guy walking by
1719
01:29:53,855 --> 01:29:56,623
that was, I thought maybe he had,
like, an itch or something.
1720
01:29:56,624 --> 01:29:58,992
Like, it was kind of like
reverse backhand.
1721
01:29:58,993 --> 01:30:00,861
Yeah, it was like that. Exactly.
1722
01:30:00,862 --> 01:30:04,097
He was, you know, with the coin,
you know, just a little...
1723
01:30:04,098 --> 01:30:05,932
- maybe an itch.
- Yep.
1724
01:30:05,933 --> 01:30:07,567
If you've got an itch.
1725
01:30:07,568 --> 01:30:11,071
And then organically, Ari and I sitting
1726
01:30:11,072 --> 01:30:12,739
next to each other in the steam room,
1727
01:30:12,740 --> 01:30:15,075
- you know, you're kind of like, "Ugh..."
- You're in the haze.
1728
01:30:15,076 --> 01:30:18,378
Yeah, you're just, it's fucking...
It's kind of cloudy.
1729
01:30:18,379 --> 01:30:21,249
- And there's a guy directly across...
- Three inches from my face.
1730
01:30:22,550 --> 01:30:24,519
No, no, he was here. Tony's here...
1731
01:30:25,186 --> 01:30:26,387
- Dick here.
- Yeah.
1732
01:30:27,388 --> 01:30:30,190
And he was really... He was doing the...
1733
01:30:30,191 --> 01:30:33,727
No. At first I thought I'm seeing
a mirage or something
1734
01:30:33,728 --> 01:30:37,698
- because... half chubby doing, you know?
- Yep.
1735
01:30:38,332 --> 01:30:39,399
Yep.
1736
01:30:39,400 --> 01:30:42,235
And no one, see. Yes, Matt Rife.
1737
01:30:42,236 --> 01:30:44,504
- No one...
- Yeah.
1738
01:30:44,505 --> 01:30:47,641
- See, no one is saying shit.
- Yeah.
1739
01:30:47,642 --> 01:30:49,609
There's also, yeah, that's worth noting...
1740
01:30:49,610 --> 01:30:51,678
- I look at Tony...
- ...seven or eight other guys
1741
01:30:51,679 --> 01:30:52,746
in this thing with us.
1742
01:30:52,747 --> 01:30:55,715
- Everybody's just kind of chill.
- I look at Tony. He's not bothered.
1743
01:30:55,716 --> 01:30:57,285
What? He's very comfortable.
1744
01:31:00,421 --> 01:31:03,089
The biggest smile I've ever seen
on his fucking face.
1745
01:31:03,090 --> 01:31:04,357
- It's true.
- And then...
1746
01:31:04,358 --> 01:31:07,194
Because I couldn't fucking believe
what was happening.
1747
01:31:07,195 --> 01:31:11,466
Yes. So then I go,
remember, in the steam room,
1748
01:31:11,999 --> 01:31:15,502
I just... I go, "Hey, dude,
are you jacking off?"
1749
01:31:15,503 --> 01:31:17,437
Yeah.
1750
01:31:17,438 --> 01:31:19,940
Which I expected... "Oh!"
1751
01:31:19,941 --> 01:31:24,211
But his response,
no contact lost with cock.
1752
01:31:24,212 --> 01:31:26,346
- He goes, "Yeah."
- Yeah.
1753
01:31:26,347 --> 01:31:28,748
And he nodded like that.
1754
01:31:28,749 --> 01:31:33,620
He goes like that, and he's continuing
to do it with the powerful eye contact.
1755
01:31:33,621 --> 01:31:35,455
No blink, head nod.
1756
01:31:35,456 --> 01:31:37,791
So then... So then--
1757
01:31:37,792 --> 01:31:42,496
This is where Ari Matti
gained his citizenship at this moment.
1758
01:31:42,497 --> 01:31:47,300
- So then, I go get the fuck out of there.
- Yeah. Yeah.
1759
01:31:47,301 --> 01:31:49,736
And as soon as I said that,
1760
01:31:49,737 --> 01:31:52,906
I realized from the energy in the room,
1761
01:31:52,907 --> 01:31:55,142
- I'm the odd one out.
- Yeah.
1762
01:31:56,978 --> 01:31:59,613
That's when it clicked, "Men's Thursday".
1763
01:31:59,614 --> 01:32:02,984
Dude, everyone was probably ready
to gobble, gobble...
1764
01:32:04,318 --> 01:32:09,155
and I just...
I thought I stopped a sexual assault,
1765
01:32:09,156 --> 01:32:11,691
- I think I interrupted an orgy.
- Yeah.
1766
01:32:11,692 --> 01:32:13,660
Yeah.
1767
01:32:13,661 --> 01:32:15,428
I got one more for ya.
1768
01:32:15,429 --> 01:32:18,031
I did a quick stop in today.
1769
01:32:18,032 --> 01:32:20,066
I'm like, I'm gonna fuck it,
and I'm gonna sweat out.
1770
01:32:20,067 --> 01:32:22,669
- Of course you went back.
- Yeah, I went right back,
1771
01:32:22,670 --> 01:32:25,105
and this is open, back to normal.
1772
01:32:25,106 --> 01:32:29,042
What we've always been used to.
Not Thursdays 1:00 to 5:00.
1773
01:32:29,043 --> 01:32:34,147
I go back and I'm in that exact
steam room with some friends, right?
1774
01:32:34,148 --> 01:32:37,417
And then there's one guy there
that goes, "Man, is this great or what?"
1775
01:32:37,418 --> 01:32:39,152
I go, "I'll tell you, the other day,
1776
01:32:39,153 --> 01:32:42,122
there was a fucking guy
jerking off in this room."
1777
01:32:42,123 --> 01:32:44,157
"Fucking disgusting, right?"
1778
01:32:44,158 --> 01:32:47,994
He goes, "Thursday between 1:00 and 5:00?"
I go, "Yeah".
1779
01:32:47,995 --> 01:32:50,797
He goes, "Yeah, that's...
that's 'men's time.'"
1780
01:32:50,798 --> 01:32:53,333
I go, "Yeah,
but you're not supposed to jerk off."
1781
01:32:53,334 --> 01:32:54,434
"This place is supposed to be..."
1782
01:32:54,435 --> 01:32:56,771
He goes, "No, no, no. This is New York."
1783
01:32:58,205 --> 01:33:01,142
And I'm like, I can't wait
to get back to Texas.
1784
01:33:03,978 --> 01:33:06,513
You need guns here, motherfuckers.
You need guns.
1785
01:33:06,514 --> 01:33:07,982
Get your guns back.
1786
01:33:09,784 --> 01:33:12,185
There's no jerking off in steam rooms
1787
01:33:12,186 --> 01:33:15,890
where everyone can possibly
have a gun underneath their towel.
1788
01:33:17,058 --> 01:33:19,259
- Redban.
- Why did you go back, though?
1789
01:33:19,260 --> 01:33:23,129
- I would never go back to that place.
- Yeah. Redban, you're so straight.
1790
01:33:23,130 --> 01:33:25,932
You would never go do something
healthy for your body again
1791
01:33:25,933 --> 01:33:28,835
- because one guy jerked off.
- Take a hot shower.
1792
01:33:28,836 --> 01:33:31,539
Yeah, a hot shower.
That's the same, Redban.
1793
01:33:32,073 --> 01:33:34,641
This guy has the same gunk
underneath his sweat pores
1794
01:33:34,642 --> 01:33:36,544
since 1989.
1795
01:33:38,279 --> 01:33:41,014
What's the healthiest thing
you think you've done in the past year?
1796
01:33:41,015 --> 01:33:43,851
- I ate pussy today.
- Wow. He ate pussy.
1797
01:33:46,187 --> 01:33:49,523
- While she was on her period.
- While she was on her period.
1798
01:33:51,359 --> 01:33:53,627
- And I swallowed it.
- And he swallowed it.
1799
01:33:53,628 --> 01:33:56,764
Ladies and gentlemen,
Redban, an American hero.
1800
01:33:59,367 --> 01:34:00,501
So much fun.
1801
01:34:01,168 --> 01:34:04,372
What kind of candy did she put
in her pussy for you to eat it?
1802
01:34:05,873 --> 01:34:07,074
- Kimchi.
- Kimchi.
1803
01:34:08,442 --> 01:34:09,377
All right.
1804
01:34:10,011 --> 01:34:12,245
Ari, you're a fucking beast.
1805
01:34:12,246 --> 01:34:13,847
You did it again tonight.
1806
01:34:13,848 --> 01:34:16,149
- Thank you so much.
- Un-fucking-believable.
1807
01:34:16,150 --> 01:34:19,353
Ladies and gentlemen,
make some noise for Ari Matti, everybody!
1808
01:34:22,189 --> 01:34:23,690
We're gonna go Legends Bucket.
1809
01:34:23,691 --> 01:34:25,859
I know we already have momentum.
1810
01:34:25,860 --> 01:34:27,560
I shouldn't do it right now.
1811
01:34:27,561 --> 01:34:29,597
We're going Legends Bucket.
1812
01:34:30,698 --> 01:34:34,134
Oh, my God, ladies and gentlemen,
1813
01:34:34,135 --> 01:34:37,637
magic is about to happen
as I present to you,
1814
01:34:37,638 --> 01:34:44,144
the reigning defending
2024 guest of the year
1815
01:34:44,145 --> 01:34:48,248
here to do a spot
at Madison Square Garden,
1816
01:34:48,249 --> 01:34:51,584
make some fucking noise for Kill Tony icon
1817
01:34:51,585 --> 01:34:56,791
and one of the greatest comedic
movie stars of all time, Harland Williams.
1818
01:35:08,903 --> 01:35:09,904
Wow.
1819
01:35:12,973 --> 01:35:14,308
{\an8}What a treat.
1820
01:35:16,277 --> 01:35:18,479
{\an8}I gotta tell you, folks, it's, uh...
1821
01:35:19,847 --> 01:35:23,484
It's a bit of an emotional night
for me to be here tonight.
1822
01:35:25,419 --> 01:35:27,187
My sister's here tonight.
1823
01:35:27,188 --> 01:35:31,325
She's in the very top row,
right on the railing up there, and...
1824
01:35:35,830 --> 01:35:37,263
It's... It's been a little tough.
1825
01:35:37,264 --> 01:35:41,902
She's been, and it's tough to talk about,
but she's been suicidal.
1826
01:35:49,744 --> 01:35:51,978
And they say that
laughter is the best medicine.
1827
01:35:51,979 --> 01:35:54,782
So I brought her here tonight
1828
01:35:55,583 --> 01:35:59,419
to maybe encourage her
to go forward with her dreams in life.
1829
01:35:59,420 --> 01:36:02,623
You can all help me tonight with a chant.
1830
01:36:03,958 --> 01:36:07,727
Jump, jump, jump, jump, jump,
1831
01:36:07,728 --> 01:36:11,464
jump, jump, jump, jump, jump!
1832
01:36:11,465 --> 01:36:12,833
Is she still there?
1833
01:36:14,668 --> 01:36:18,239
All right, well, we'll leave the car
running for you when you get home. Uh...
1834
01:36:20,307 --> 01:36:21,709
Sir, if you could fuck off.
1835
01:36:25,679 --> 01:36:27,147
Uh, it's good to be here.
1836
01:36:27,148 --> 01:36:30,150
Holy God, some guy recognized me
in the street today.
1837
01:36:30,151 --> 01:36:33,453
He ran up to me and he goes,
"Hey, man, I know you. You're crazy!"
1838
01:36:33,454 --> 01:36:36,557
And I said, "Yeah, I'm crazy, all right."
1839
01:36:37,491 --> 01:36:40,327
"Crazy like Forest Whitaker's left eye."
1840
01:36:50,738 --> 01:36:54,707
He said to me, he said, "Hey, man,
you've been in the game a long time."
1841
01:36:54,708 --> 01:36:56,476
"Maybe it's time to get out."
1842
01:36:56,477 --> 01:37:00,214
And I said,
"Like a retard in a bouncy house..."
1843
01:37:05,319 --> 01:37:06,754
"...there ain't no getting out."
1844
01:37:14,495 --> 01:37:16,796
I was walking around in New York,
I don't vape
1845
01:37:16,797 --> 01:37:18,898
but I started vaping here in New York.
1846
01:37:18,899 --> 01:37:22,635
Not the little vape pens,
but about every four blocks,
1847
01:37:22,636 --> 01:37:26,106
you see a pipe sticking out of the road
with steam coming out of it.
1848
01:37:27,708 --> 01:37:30,310
I just walk up, plant my face right in it.
1849
01:37:30,311 --> 01:37:31,344
Holy shit!
1850
01:37:31,345 --> 01:37:33,080
The flavors are delicious.
1851
01:37:34,882 --> 01:37:39,019
Have you tried homeless-manure
urine-raspberry-sun blast?
1852
01:37:41,121 --> 01:37:46,160
How about suicidal-out-of-work
Broadway-actor-blueberry, anybody?
1853
01:37:48,662 --> 01:37:53,233
Just an hour ago,
I had sexual assault in the park,
1854
01:37:53,234 --> 01:37:55,336
cinnamon, cranberry,
1855
01:37:56,370 --> 01:37:58,839
that guy's teeth. No, I'm just kidding.
1856
01:38:02,243 --> 01:38:04,510
Sir, if you could go immediately
and stick your tongue
1857
01:38:04,511 --> 01:38:06,447
in the nearest electrical socket.
1858
01:38:09,717 --> 01:38:13,453
I got up at 5:30 in the morning,
1859
01:38:13,454 --> 01:38:16,122
this morning, I wanted to see New York
1860
01:38:16,123 --> 01:38:19,759
without all the the tourists
and all the people walking around.
1861
01:38:19,760 --> 01:38:23,296
So, I'm wandering around
at 5:30 in the morning,
1862
01:38:23,297 --> 01:38:25,933
and I got to tell you,
this city is haunting.
1863
01:38:27,134 --> 01:38:29,937
It is ghostly, dare I say enchanting.
1864
01:38:30,871 --> 01:38:34,607
I'm walking around at 5:30 in the morning
1865
01:38:34,608 --> 01:38:36,810
and all I hear is this... All I hear is...
1866
01:38:52,693 --> 01:38:59,600
I look, I see a homeless guy
making wind noises.
1867
01:39:08,509 --> 01:39:10,344
I gave him $30.
1868
01:39:11,812 --> 01:39:14,814
Best blow job I've ever had,
I gotta tell you.
1869
01:39:14,815 --> 01:39:17,484
Number one. One.
1870
01:39:22,056 --> 01:39:24,424
I picked up a girl in a bar last night.
1871
01:39:24,425 --> 01:39:27,160
Man, you can't tell those
trannies apart anymore.
1872
01:39:27,161 --> 01:39:28,995
Holy fuck.
1873
01:39:28,996 --> 01:39:31,297
This chick was a 12 out of 10.
1874
01:39:31,298 --> 01:39:35,268
I got the tranny home and we were
rolling around naked in the sheets.
1875
01:39:35,269 --> 01:39:38,738
We were feeling around and halfway
through it, I whisper in her ear,
1876
01:39:38,739 --> 01:39:44,745
I said, "I don't want to be insensitive,
but your pussy has a cock."
1877
01:39:53,120 --> 01:39:55,489
"Your clit is about eight inches long
1878
01:39:57,191 --> 01:39:59,193
and there's a mushroom cap on top."
1879
01:40:00,761 --> 01:40:04,163
I mean, she was a great guy,
but I only lasted about three hours.
1880
01:40:04,164 --> 01:40:05,232
That's not for me.
1881
01:40:09,336 --> 01:40:12,271
I got a new tattoo.
You got a tattoo, buddy?
1882
01:40:12,272 --> 01:40:14,475
What do you got, my guy?
1883
01:40:15,275 --> 01:40:16,944
All kinds? Can you name one?
1884
01:40:19,146 --> 01:40:20,213
Your daughter's name.
1885
01:40:20,214 --> 01:40:22,616
So you don't know
your fucking daughter's name?
1886
01:40:24,418 --> 01:40:29,055
Do you open the door and go,
"Hey, it's time for dinner, uh...
1887
01:40:29,056 --> 01:40:29,990
Carol."
1888
01:40:33,427 --> 01:40:35,862
I got a new tattoo right here.
A brand new one.
1889
01:40:35,863 --> 01:40:38,965
It's a beauty. Holy God, I love it.
1890
01:40:38,966 --> 01:40:43,237
It's a tattoo of a giraffe
sleeping on a beanbag chair.
1891
01:40:47,207 --> 01:40:51,111
When it gets excited,
it runs in and out of caves and throws up.
1892
01:40:59,186 --> 01:41:01,688
Give my son and daughter a hand.
Aren't they great?
1893
01:41:05,259 --> 01:41:06,459
Folks, I love you.
1894
01:41:06,460 --> 01:41:08,294
I'll see my sister when I get home.
1895
01:41:08,295 --> 01:41:09,729
The guest of the year.
1896
01:41:09,730 --> 01:41:14,435
Reigning, defending,
the host of the Harland Highway podcast.
1897
01:41:15,769 --> 01:41:18,371
One of the greatest guests
in the show's history.
1898
01:41:18,372 --> 01:41:20,740
One more time
for the great Harland Williams,
1899
01:41:20,741 --> 01:41:22,843
- ladies and gentlemen.
- Thank you.
1900
01:41:25,846 --> 01:41:27,413
Wow, what a legend.
1901
01:41:27,414 --> 01:41:29,316
That set got dumb and dumber.
1902
01:41:31,018 --> 01:41:32,118
We're having fun.
1903
01:41:32,119 --> 01:41:35,822
I'm gonna keep the momentum up here.
Instead of going to the next bucket pull,
1904
01:41:35,823 --> 01:41:39,625
I think we should go with one of our
greatest golden ticket winners ever.
1905
01:41:39,626 --> 01:41:45,198
Ladies and gentlemen, this young lady
has always absolutely destroyed.
1906
01:41:45,199 --> 01:41:48,234
She is, without a doubt,
one of the most beloved figures
1907
01:41:48,235 --> 01:41:52,271
in Kill Tony history
from Nashville, Tennessee.
1908
01:41:52,272 --> 01:41:55,175
Make some noise for Fiona Cauley.
1909
01:42:07,354 --> 01:42:09,622
Here she comes.
1910
01:42:09,623 --> 01:42:10,891
She's back.
1911
01:42:12,559 --> 01:42:14,160
How loud can this place get?
1912
01:42:14,161 --> 01:42:16,296
Come on, Madison Square Garden.
1913
01:42:21,034 --> 01:42:23,303
One more time for Fiona Cauley.
1914
01:42:29,276 --> 01:42:31,845
New York City.
1915
01:42:36,016 --> 01:42:38,952
A lot of stairs. Um...
1916
01:42:41,788 --> 01:42:47,460
Man, I... I was recently approached
1917
01:42:47,461 --> 01:42:54,300
by a couple
in proposition for a threesome.
1918
01:42:54,301 --> 01:42:57,336
Oh, yeah.
1919
01:42:57,337 --> 01:43:02,376
I am always down for half the work. Um...
1920
01:43:05,712 --> 01:43:09,883
I do bring my own cuck chair. Um...
1921
01:43:12,886 --> 01:43:17,223
I, uh, I did learn, though,
that, like the quickest way
1922
01:43:17,224 --> 01:43:20,726
to ruin the vibe of a threesome
1923
01:43:20,727 --> 01:43:25,866
is to ask if their home is ADA compliant.
1924
01:43:30,804 --> 01:43:34,173
It never is. Um...
1925
01:43:34,174 --> 01:43:37,343
And if it were, I think
I'd be more concerned.
1926
01:43:37,344 --> 01:43:39,379
Thank y'all.
1927
01:43:40,347 --> 01:43:42,815
The great Fiona Cauley.
1928
01:43:42,816 --> 01:43:45,585
Nashville, Tennessee.
1929
01:43:45,586 --> 01:43:50,223
The pride of Nashville.
1930
01:43:50,224 --> 01:43:51,123
Hell, yeah.
1931
01:43:51,124 --> 01:43:53,492
- Welcome back, Fiona.
- Thank you.
1932
01:43:53,493 --> 01:43:55,528
How's New York City treating you?
1933
01:43:55,529 --> 01:43:56,762
You having fun out here?
1934
01:43:56,763 --> 01:44:00,099
Yeah, they're all equal.
1935
01:44:00,100 --> 01:44:01,534
They treat me normal.
1936
01:44:01,535 --> 01:44:04,270
They're very mean, and I like that.
1937
01:44:04,271 --> 01:44:05,238
Yeah.
1938
01:44:05,239 --> 01:44:07,340
- I like that shit.
- Yeah.
1939
01:44:07,341 --> 01:44:13,512
It's funny, uh,
backstage I saw Matt and I realized
1940
01:44:13,513 --> 01:44:15,414
I had to fucking change
1941
01:44:15,415 --> 01:44:19,085
because I couldn't let you be
the prettiest one on the stage.
1942
01:44:19,086 --> 01:44:21,121
Ooh!
1943
01:44:23,590 --> 01:44:27,027
I'm not sure I won that one,
but I tried, you know.
1944
01:44:28,829 --> 01:44:30,396
Fiona, you're crushing it.
1945
01:44:30,397 --> 01:44:32,164
How's things down in Nashville?
1946
01:44:32,165 --> 01:44:33,633
What's going on down there?
1947
01:44:33,634 --> 01:44:35,001
What's going on in life?
1948
01:44:35,002 --> 01:44:39,505
Oh, man, I just turned 29.
1949
01:44:39,506 --> 01:44:41,642
Oh!
1950
01:44:42,643 --> 01:44:43,743
Oh, no.
1951
01:44:43,744 --> 01:44:46,312
- I know.
- You got one year left.
1952
01:44:46,313 --> 01:44:50,050
- All these normal motherfuckers.
- I mean, to live.
1953
01:44:55,422 --> 01:44:57,923
Fiona has one of the best
senses of humors.
1954
01:44:57,924 --> 01:44:59,725
We've talked about it a billion times.
1955
01:44:59,726 --> 01:45:02,529
Is there any good news
with your condition or anything?
1956
01:45:03,363 --> 01:45:04,264
No.
1957
01:45:09,703 --> 01:45:12,872
Uh... I'm here! That's the good news.
1958
01:45:12,873 --> 01:45:14,540
- That's all that matters.
- Yeah.
1959
01:45:14,541 --> 01:45:16,142
Yeah.
1960
01:45:16,143 --> 01:45:20,447
- The battery is charged.
- Hell, yeah.
1961
01:45:21,114 --> 01:45:22,181
You always murder.
1962
01:45:22,182 --> 01:45:23,583
You're gonna get the chair.
1963
01:45:27,654 --> 01:45:28,521
Matt Rife.
1964
01:45:28,522 --> 01:45:31,724
I love how you complained
about Ahren getting a $250 headset.
1965
01:45:31,725 --> 01:45:33,559
How much was the stage elevator?
1966
01:45:33,560 --> 01:45:37,029
I mean, it ain't easy.
1967
01:45:37,030 --> 01:45:38,565
But luckily...
1968
01:45:39,533 --> 01:45:42,201
- Thanks--
- Got a drink holder on that puppy, huh?
1969
01:45:42,202 --> 01:45:44,236
- Yeah.
- That's pretty good.
1970
01:45:44,237 --> 01:45:45,905
I keep that shit on me.
1971
01:45:45,906 --> 01:45:47,940
- Drinking and driving.
- Yeah.
1972
01:45:47,941 --> 01:45:51,377
I do it best. Um...
1973
01:45:51,378 --> 01:45:52,712
You know, it's funny.
1974
01:45:52,713 --> 01:45:55,648
I have noticed something in New York.
1975
01:45:55,649 --> 01:45:59,318
I know I talk weird
because of my neurological shit,
1976
01:45:59,319 --> 01:46:02,923
but y'all think it's just
a Southern accent.
1977
01:46:08,495 --> 01:46:11,997
And I like that shit. Yeah.
1978
01:46:11,998 --> 01:46:15,334
Amazing. By the way, I got word in my ear
1979
01:46:15,335 --> 01:46:18,771
that it actually,
I had no idea that this was real.
1980
01:46:18,772 --> 01:46:24,677
But the director just told me it...
it was indeed $6,000 for the elevator...
1981
01:46:24,678 --> 01:46:28,114
- Wow!
- ...to get a wheelchair on this stage.
1982
01:46:28,115 --> 01:46:29,716
So just to let you know...
1983
01:46:33,387 --> 01:46:39,191
Fiona, whether it's God
that takes you from us, or not,
1984
01:46:39,192 --> 01:46:42,763
this will be your last time
on this show in an arena.
1985
01:46:46,066 --> 01:46:47,733
- I mean, Tony, with your lineups.
- Thank you.
1986
01:46:47,734 --> 01:46:51,203
If they don't ask you to host the Special
Olympics, I don't know who can do it.
1987
01:46:51,204 --> 01:46:52,838
That's true.
1988
01:46:52,839 --> 01:46:53,773
Host the Special...
1989
01:46:53,774 --> 01:46:57,344
I can't get them to stop
calling me a racist Nazi meanwhile.
1990
01:46:58,678 --> 01:47:01,981
- It's hard to host the Special Olympics.
- At least you're non-ableist Nazi.
1991
01:47:01,982 --> 01:47:04,884
And that is good news for me.
1992
01:47:04,885 --> 01:47:06,820
- Thank God for that.
- Yeah.
1993
01:47:07,454 --> 01:47:09,622
I love my wild, wild people.
1994
01:47:09,623 --> 01:47:13,292
I always think to myself, "What would I do
if I was in that position?"
1995
01:47:13,293 --> 01:47:16,429
I would hope that someone
would keep the door open for me.
1996
01:47:16,430 --> 01:47:17,630
You do, yeah.
1997
01:47:17,631 --> 01:47:22,068
I would hope someone would buy a $6,000
elevator that I just found out about.
1998
01:47:24,171 --> 01:47:29,442
See, they... It's funny because
they ran Ahren's $250 headset by me.
1999
01:47:29,443 --> 01:47:32,044
But no one's like, "Hey, 6,000."
They must...
2000
01:47:32,045 --> 01:47:35,281
My production team
must fucking love you, Fiona.
2001
01:47:35,282 --> 01:47:39,352
- Yeah. I had to suck a lot of dick.
- Blow jobs.
2002
01:47:44,391 --> 01:47:46,793
To be fair, David Lucas
also needed the elevator.
2003
01:47:53,366 --> 01:47:55,968
Fiona, you are a cold-blooded assassin.
2004
01:47:55,969 --> 01:47:57,603
Everybody loves you.
2005
01:47:57,604 --> 01:48:01,273
Every appearance on this show
has always been fantastic.
2006
01:48:01,274 --> 01:48:05,544
You're hilarious.
You're beautiful. Everybody loves you.
2007
01:48:05,545 --> 01:48:08,882
One more time for the great Fiona Cauley,
ladies and gentlemen.
2008
01:48:14,387 --> 01:48:18,625
How about a hand
for the beautiful Heidi helping out here?
2009
01:48:20,727 --> 01:48:23,596
Redban. Redban.
2010
01:48:23,597 --> 01:48:25,832
What did I tell you
about making that noise?
2011
01:48:28,602 --> 01:48:31,237
Yeah, I'm also getting...
I'm getting word
2012
01:48:31,238 --> 01:48:37,844
that we have an instant replay
of the $6,000 elevator hard at work.
2013
01:48:40,547 --> 01:48:42,948
Here it is. Wow.
2014
01:48:42,949 --> 01:48:44,149
This is live.
2015
01:48:44,150 --> 01:48:45,819
Anything can happen, folks.
2016
01:48:46,686 --> 01:48:49,656
I mean, this seems crazy, by the way.
2017
01:48:50,390 --> 01:48:52,992
Oh!
2018
01:48:52,993 --> 01:48:57,564
Only on Kill Tony, can you perhaps
watch a woman fall to her death.
2019
01:48:58,865 --> 01:49:00,500
Absolutely incredible.
2020
01:49:01,635 --> 01:49:02,536
Wow.
2021
01:49:03,036 --> 01:49:04,036
Amazing.
2022
01:49:04,037 --> 01:49:06,238
That's what it's going to look like
when she dies
2023
01:49:06,239 --> 01:49:09,008
and gets lowered to hell, everybody.
2024
01:49:09,009 --> 01:49:12,045
I'm kidding. She's not going to hell.
2025
01:49:13,380 --> 01:49:17,717
A lot of liberal ladies out there
just not laughing, giving me mean looks.
2026
01:49:19,052 --> 01:49:21,987
Wow. Slow elevators.
2027
01:49:21,988 --> 01:49:23,589
I wish this was a Coldplay concert,
2028
01:49:23,590 --> 01:49:25,825
and they cut to her
walking down the stairs.
2029
01:49:26,993 --> 01:49:28,261
She's like, "Got him."
2030
01:49:31,798 --> 01:49:33,465
All right, you know what I'm gonna do?
2031
01:49:33,466 --> 01:49:36,902
I'm going back to the Legends Bucket,
ladies, and...
2032
01:49:36,903 --> 01:49:40,273
Wait a second.
This doesn't make any sense whatsoever.
2033
01:49:41,207 --> 01:49:43,175
How could this be in the Legends Bucket?
2034
01:49:43,176 --> 01:49:44,610
This is crazy.
2035
01:49:44,611 --> 01:49:49,348
This guy's only been on the show
twice ever before.
2036
01:49:49,349 --> 01:49:51,851
He's only been doing comedy eight months.
2037
01:49:52,686 --> 01:49:54,954
This doesn't make any sense.
2038
01:49:54,955 --> 01:49:56,323
This can't be real.
2039
01:49:57,123 --> 01:50:02,127
Ladies and gentlemen,
this Legend Bucket pull
2040
01:50:02,128 --> 01:50:05,798
says the words... Timmy No Brakes, everyone.
2041
01:50:05,799 --> 01:50:07,767
I mean...
2042
01:50:09,202 --> 01:50:10,503
This can't be real.
2043
01:50:11,037 --> 01:50:13,172
He's supposed to be in Salt Lake City.
2044
01:50:13,173 --> 01:50:14,941
Oh, my God. There he is!
2045
01:50:22,148 --> 01:50:23,816
{\an8}The newest icon.
2046
01:50:23,817 --> 01:50:25,785
{\an8}Make some noise for Timmy No Brakes.
2047
01:50:29,022 --> 01:50:31,224
Release the doves.
2048
01:50:36,563 --> 01:50:39,032
Okay. Fuck! The doves are dead. Um...
2049
01:50:39,833 --> 01:50:41,233
I thought leather was more breathable.
2050
01:50:41,234 --> 01:50:43,503
Let's cut that.
Let's take it from the top, guys.
2051
01:50:45,005 --> 01:50:46,606
Fuck!
2052
01:50:47,874 --> 01:50:49,376
Shut the fuck up, guys.
2053
01:50:51,411 --> 01:50:53,512
Tonight I'm playing my hits.
2054
01:50:53,513 --> 01:50:55,948
You know these. You love these.
2055
01:50:55,949 --> 01:50:57,751
Yell the punch lines out.
2056
01:50:59,986 --> 01:51:03,690
I recently found out
you could get an erection after you die.
2057
01:51:04,557 --> 01:51:07,394
Yeah, so Bruce Willis could...
2058
01:51:09,062 --> 01:51:09,895
die hard.
2059
01:51:09,896 --> 01:51:12,264
Guys, what the fuck?
2060
01:51:12,265 --> 01:51:14,134
These are my hits. Let's fucking go!
2061
01:51:17,237 --> 01:51:20,273
I put my dick in a glory hole
the other day.
2062
01:51:22,976 --> 01:51:26,012
Turns out my sister was on the other side.
2063
01:51:27,180 --> 01:51:29,249
I'm like, "Why am I doing this..."
2064
01:51:31,518 --> 01:51:33,252
"...in my house?"
2065
01:51:33,253 --> 01:51:36,422
Guys, these are my fucking hits.
2066
01:51:36,423 --> 01:51:38,124
Let's go. This is embarrassing.
2067
01:51:40,927 --> 01:51:43,063
Last chance, you dumb ass retards.
2068
01:51:45,732 --> 01:51:48,801
I got an STD the other day. Yeah.
2069
01:51:48,802 --> 01:51:50,937
It was the...
2070
01:51:52,906 --> 01:51:53,940
AIDS.
2071
01:51:54,441 --> 01:51:56,743
Fuck!
2072
01:51:57,277 --> 01:52:00,513
It's all right, Tony. I'm sorry, that's...
I relinquish my time. That's...
2073
01:52:01,214 --> 01:52:02,881
I'm a little stressed, you know.
2074
01:52:02,882 --> 01:52:06,786
You said MSG, I went to fucking Chinatown.
2075
01:52:08,788 --> 01:52:10,255
I almost didn't make it.
2076
01:52:10,256 --> 01:52:12,758
Ladies and gentlemen, Timmy No Brakes
2077
01:52:12,759 --> 01:52:17,930
has made a shocking appearance
from the Legends Bucket.
2078
01:52:17,931 --> 01:52:21,633
Wow, Timmy,
this must be monumental for you.
2079
01:52:21,634 --> 01:52:25,572
We know for a fact
you are from New Jersey.
2080
01:52:26,172 --> 01:52:28,575
Make some noise, New Jersey!
2081
01:52:33,880 --> 01:52:34,781
Good job, sir.
2082
01:52:35,515 --> 01:52:38,617
How does it feel to be here
at the most famous arena
2083
01:52:38,618 --> 01:52:40,453
in the world coming from New Jersey?
2084
01:52:42,088 --> 01:52:45,325
Honestly, it feels like Tuesday.
2085
01:52:45,925 --> 01:52:49,094
You call this a fucking arena?
2086
01:52:49,095 --> 01:52:50,363
I mean...
2087
01:52:52,766 --> 01:52:54,533
You know what? I'm burning up up here.
2088
01:52:54,534 --> 01:52:55,502
This is...
2089
01:53:01,374 --> 01:53:04,309
Timmy No Brakes is a sensation.
2090
01:53:04,310 --> 01:53:06,945
- I can't believe you have...
- Sexy one.
2091
01:53:06,946 --> 01:53:09,082
...multiple leather jackets on.
2092
01:53:10,083 --> 01:53:12,518
- Yeah, I mean...
- Who doesn't?
2093
01:53:12,519 --> 01:53:13,585
- Right?
- Yeah.
2094
01:53:13,586 --> 01:53:15,455
- I mean, yeah.
- Take off your shirt.
2095
01:53:17,090 --> 01:53:19,225
You got another denim under there,
gay guy?
2096
01:53:20,393 --> 01:53:21,761
Boom! Roasted.
2097
01:53:22,729 --> 01:53:23,996
Hit me with the pyro.
2098
01:53:23,997 --> 01:53:26,131
Give him a little pyro.
2099
01:53:26,132 --> 01:53:27,433
You got a little fire?
2100
01:53:27,934 --> 01:53:28,801
You got a little fire
2101
01:53:28,802 --> 01:53:30,336
- for Timmy No Brakes?
- The fucking pyro!
2102
01:53:34,974 --> 01:53:37,043
You're fired. Pun.
2103
01:53:39,779 --> 01:53:41,146
Guy, three amigos.
2104
01:53:41,147 --> 01:53:43,348
Where was my fucking trumpet there?
Jesus Christ.
2105
01:53:43,349 --> 01:53:45,250
He likes the... He likes the D.
2106
01:53:45,251 --> 01:53:46,251
He likes the D.
2107
01:53:46,252 --> 01:53:47,987
No. You like the D.
2108
01:53:49,556 --> 01:53:52,425
Give him a little pyro.
2109
01:53:53,960 --> 01:53:55,128
What do we got here?
2110
01:53:56,129 --> 01:53:58,364
You fucking flamer. You're gay.
2111
01:53:59,465 --> 01:54:00,566
Give us some flames.
2112
01:54:00,567 --> 01:54:02,467
Anything? All right.
2113
01:54:02,468 --> 01:54:06,405
Wow. I like it more when the timing's off,
and... there you go.
2114
01:54:06,406 --> 01:54:09,042
Oh, my God! Baby!
2115
01:54:17,550 --> 01:54:20,886
A master of Kill Tony.
2116
01:54:20,887 --> 01:54:22,387
This is his third time ever.
2117
01:54:22,388 --> 01:54:24,857
You've been doing stand-up.
Is it eight months or nine months?
2118
01:54:24,858 --> 01:54:26,025
Say it with me.
2119
01:54:26,893 --> 01:54:28,126
Eight weeks.
2120
01:54:28,127 --> 01:54:30,429
Eight weeks, ladies and gentlemen.
2121
01:54:30,430 --> 01:54:32,030
Less than ever before.
2122
01:54:32,031 --> 01:54:35,034
What do you like to do
when you're in New York City?
2123
01:54:36,803 --> 01:54:38,104
I'm glad you asked, Ton.
2124
01:54:41,808 --> 01:54:46,778
D-Madness, take the bass for a walk.
Jon Deas, tickle the keys.
2125
01:54:46,779 --> 01:54:48,981
Sax man, you're sitting this one out.
2126
01:54:48,982 --> 01:54:51,516
Shut the fuck up.
2127
01:54:51,517 --> 01:54:53,719
All right, I want
the fucking ceiling to open.
2128
01:54:53,720 --> 01:54:56,256
I want a natural moon spotlight.
2129
01:54:58,258 --> 01:54:59,191
Camera B.
2130
01:54:59,192 --> 01:55:00,193
Come in.
2131
01:55:01,227 --> 01:55:02,595
Switch to black and white.
2132
01:55:04,063 --> 01:55:06,131
Let's get me fucking
hooked up on some wires.
2133
01:55:06,132 --> 01:55:07,901
I want to fly around for this one.
2134
01:55:09,903 --> 01:55:11,604
Never mind. All right, everybody...
2135
01:55:12,605 --> 01:55:13,473
Clap.
2136
01:55:15,775 --> 01:55:18,111
Let's go, Madison Square Garden.
2137
01:55:22,982 --> 01:55:24,983
Wait, wait. What was the question again?
2138
01:55:24,984 --> 01:55:26,118
Oh.
2139
01:55:26,119 --> 01:55:28,053
What do you like to do
when you're in New York?
2140
01:55:28,054 --> 01:55:30,323
When I'm in... Uh, pass.
2141
01:55:31,858 --> 01:55:32,926
I'll pass on that.
2142
01:55:33,860 --> 01:55:36,362
Fucking the Jewish Ray Charles. Boom!
2143
01:55:38,665 --> 01:55:39,599
Roasted.
2144
01:55:41,234 --> 01:55:42,502
Andrew J's gay.
2145
01:55:44,003 --> 01:55:46,472
A low hanging fruit
from a low hanging fruit.
2146
01:55:49,042 --> 01:55:50,410
All right, bring out more props.
2147
01:55:52,412 --> 01:55:53,947
What do you got?
2148
01:55:55,648 --> 01:55:58,551
Uh-oh.
2149
01:56:01,621 --> 01:56:04,490
Okay, Timmy.
2150
01:56:05,391 --> 01:56:07,327
Well, you don't like prop comedy, Mark?
2151
01:56:08,161 --> 01:56:09,494
Okay.
2152
01:56:09,495 --> 01:56:10,396
It's all right.
2153
01:56:12,165 --> 01:56:13,598
- Timmy...
- This is awkward.
2154
01:56:13,599 --> 01:56:16,469
You are the People's Golden Ticket winner.
2155
01:56:17,170 --> 01:56:18,437
You've done it again.
2156
01:56:18,438 --> 01:56:25,243
Two jackets and one turtle dove
and a partridge in New York City.
2157
01:56:25,244 --> 01:56:26,979
You did it, my friend.
2158
01:56:26,980 --> 01:56:29,181
How do you feel, Timmy No Brakes?
2159
01:56:29,182 --> 01:56:30,582
I feel good.
2160
01:56:30,583 --> 01:56:32,017
Can I ask you a question, Tony?
2161
01:56:32,018 --> 01:56:33,752
Sure, Timmy. Whatever you want.
2162
01:56:33,753 --> 01:56:36,221
In fact, if you want to host
the rest of the show, you can.
2163
01:56:36,222 --> 01:56:39,491
Great. I was gonna challenge you
for your Regularship, so...
2164
01:56:39,492 --> 01:56:41,994
No, I'm just kidding, Ton.
I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
2165
01:56:41,995 --> 01:56:42,929
Yeah, okay.
2166
01:56:43,563 --> 01:56:46,366
Is it true that you've never kissed a boy?
2167
01:56:48,501 --> 01:56:50,035
That is, well, technically,
2168
01:56:50,036 --> 01:56:53,506
Redban and I once kissed
for a New Year's Eve countdown video.
2169
01:56:54,374 --> 01:56:56,541
Is there a boy out there
that wants to come
2170
01:56:56,542 --> 01:56:58,811
up here and give this man his first kiss?
2171
01:57:00,680 --> 01:57:03,383
- No! Come on.
- It's a Kill Tony tradition. Come on.
2172
01:57:03,916 --> 01:57:07,185
- Wait, what? Matt Rife wants to?
- I didn't say that.
2173
01:57:07,186 --> 01:57:08,153
I didn't say that.
2174
01:57:08,154 --> 01:57:10,322
Do it. Come on, Matt. Do it, Matt.
2175
01:57:10,323 --> 01:57:11,656
All right. We got to keep it moving.
2176
01:57:11,657 --> 01:57:12,724
Timmy, we love you.
2177
01:57:12,725 --> 01:57:15,660
How loud can this place get
for the great Timmy No Brakes?
2178
01:57:15,661 --> 01:57:18,196
Oh! The dove in the crowd.
2179
01:57:18,197 --> 01:57:21,333
One person got a wing,
the other got the body.
2180
01:57:21,334 --> 01:57:24,504
- He threw his--
- Good night, New Jersey!
2181
01:57:27,373 --> 01:57:29,341
Wow, Timmy No Brakes.
2182
01:57:29,342 --> 01:57:30,509
It's unprecedented
2183
01:57:30,510 --> 01:57:32,812
someone coming out of the Legends Bucket.
2184
01:57:34,714 --> 01:57:37,482
All right, let's do something fun here,
2185
01:57:37,483 --> 01:57:39,151
real good and fast, huh?
2186
01:57:39,152 --> 01:57:45,957
Let's do a special "audience decides
who wins" four-person competition.
2187
01:57:45,958 --> 01:57:48,293
Does that sound like fun?
2188
01:57:48,294 --> 01:57:50,929
All right. Your first person
doing a minute tonight.
2189
01:57:50,930 --> 01:57:53,832
Make some noise for Jack Shaw,
everybody, here we go.
2190
01:57:53,833 --> 01:57:56,602
We're gonna fly through this.
2191
01:57:57,470 --> 01:57:59,739
Jack Shaw is first
with a brand new minute.
2192
01:58:02,542 --> 01:58:06,546
{\an8}All right. Hey, New York.
I got a blow job in New York City!
2193
01:58:08,881 --> 01:58:12,285
Me and Harland are seeing
the same homeless man.
2194
01:58:14,454 --> 01:58:16,155
Who sucks dick in here?
2195
01:58:17,824 --> 01:58:20,793
Yeah. Get up here and prove it.
2196
01:58:23,663 --> 01:58:25,764
Dude, I love a blow job, man.
2197
01:58:25,765 --> 01:58:27,732
I just moved in with my girlfriend.
2198
01:58:27,733 --> 01:58:29,668
Dude, I'm learning a lot, man.
2199
01:58:29,669 --> 01:58:32,137
I fixed our washing machine, dude,
2200
01:58:32,138 --> 01:58:34,473
and she sucked my dick for it.
2201
01:58:34,474 --> 01:58:38,410
Yeah, dude.
2202
01:58:38,411 --> 01:58:42,748
Now, when she leaves the apartment,
I've been breaking shit.
2203
01:58:45,151 --> 01:58:48,621
I punched a hole through the television.
2204
01:58:51,357 --> 01:58:54,726
She went out of town recently
and the dishwasher broke
2205
01:58:54,727 --> 01:58:58,731
and I didn't know what to do, man,
and I called a handyman.
2206
01:58:59,599 --> 01:59:03,069
It turns out I give great head, dude. I...
2207
01:59:04,170 --> 01:59:05,471
Thank you guys so much.
2208
01:59:06,105 --> 01:59:08,273
Jack Shaw, you did it.
2209
01:59:08,274 --> 01:59:12,144
Throw that back in the mic stand
and go sit over that drum set over there.
2210
01:59:12,145 --> 01:59:14,112
Go sit in front of Michael's drum set.
2211
01:59:14,113 --> 01:59:15,380
Jack, you stay there.
2212
01:59:15,381 --> 01:59:18,583
Audience, remember
how much you liked his set.
2213
01:59:18,584 --> 01:59:21,753
Because you decide
who wins this competition.
2214
01:59:21,754 --> 01:59:25,223
Your next minute
is from David Jolly, everybody.
2215
01:59:25,224 --> 01:59:30,196
Golden Ticket winner,
America's Favorite Uncle, David Jolly.
2216
01:59:33,699 --> 01:59:38,570
{\an8}How y'all doing tonight?
White people in Puerto Rico!
2217
01:59:38,571 --> 01:59:40,373
Hell, yeah.
2218
01:59:41,107 --> 01:59:44,977
I believe the American school system
is a bunch of bullshit.
2219
01:59:46,212 --> 01:59:48,613
They told us a lot of bullshit
back in the days,
2220
01:59:48,614 --> 01:59:51,284
and I've been fact-checking,
and I don't believe it.
2221
01:59:51,951 --> 01:59:54,053
Y'all remember that bitch, Helen Keller?
2222
01:59:54,554 --> 01:59:55,420
Yeah!
2223
01:59:55,421 --> 01:59:56,689
Y'all believe that shit?
2224
01:59:57,857 --> 01:59:59,292
Kiss my fucking ass!
2225
02:00:00,059 --> 02:00:03,461
They're trying to tell me
this motherfucker was blind and deaf,
2226
02:00:03,462 --> 02:00:06,731
she wrote 200 books and she flew a plane?
2227
02:00:06,732 --> 02:00:09,301
Come on, now.
2228
02:00:09,302 --> 02:00:12,571
If I get on a Delta flight
and that bitch driving
2229
02:00:12,572 --> 02:00:16,876
doing the Ray Charles,
I'm getting the fuck off the plane.
2230
02:00:18,010 --> 02:00:20,212
Then it was two more facts that I heard.
2231
02:00:20,213 --> 02:00:24,216
One of them, I believe, sadly,
the second one ain't no goddamn way.
2232
02:00:24,217 --> 02:00:26,786
They say in World War II, she was a nurse.
2233
02:00:27,820 --> 02:00:31,089
If I've been in a goddamn injury
and she come in the room
2234
02:00:31,090 --> 02:00:35,594
bumping into shit,
I'm gonna kill my goddamn self.
2235
02:00:35,595 --> 02:00:38,097
I ain't gonna let Humpty Dumpty do it.
2236
02:00:39,799 --> 02:00:44,669
Then I found out, sadly,
that during World War II,
2237
02:00:44,670 --> 02:00:48,840
Helen Keller was sexually assaulted
15 times.
2238
02:00:48,841 --> 02:00:50,976
And that's sad.
2239
02:00:50,977 --> 02:00:53,445
Oh, shit. You went over your time.
2240
02:00:53,446 --> 02:00:55,548
David Jolly, go sit next to Jack Shaw.
2241
02:00:56,716 --> 02:01:00,086
Who would've guessed? A Black guy
doing more work than he had to do.
2242
02:01:01,220 --> 02:01:03,021
All right, your third competitor.
2243
02:01:03,022 --> 02:01:04,189
She won this spot
2244
02:01:04,190 --> 02:01:07,092
on the last Netflix taping
that was at the Mothership.
2245
02:01:07,093 --> 02:01:10,328
Make some noise
for Serena Thiel, everybody.
2246
02:01:10,329 --> 02:01:14,032
A brand new minute from Serena Thiel.
2247
02:01:14,033 --> 02:01:16,901
Where the hell's Serena Thiel?
Here she comes, everybody.
2248
02:01:16,902 --> 02:01:18,404
Make some noise for Serena.
2249
02:01:21,674 --> 02:01:23,842
{\an8}Man, New York is crazy.
2250
02:01:23,843 --> 02:01:27,178
{\an8}You guys have things here
that I didn't know existed.
2251
02:01:27,179 --> 02:01:31,117
I saw an Asian midget yesterday.
2252
02:01:31,684 --> 02:01:35,253
And I know what you're thinking.
How could I tell?
2253
02:01:35,254 --> 02:01:38,224
Uh, he was wider than he was tall.
It was awesome.
2254
02:01:39,825 --> 02:01:40,792
In my neighborhood,
2255
02:01:40,793 --> 02:01:43,963
there is a Pilates studio
with a quote on the front window:
2256
02:01:44,930 --> 02:01:46,831
"What a wonderful thought it is
2257
02:01:46,832 --> 02:01:51,237
that some of the best days of our lives
haven't even happened yet."
2258
02:01:52,738 --> 02:01:54,674
Quote: Anne Frank.
2259
02:01:57,576 --> 02:01:59,578
1945.
2260
02:02:01,213 --> 02:02:02,515
What an idiot.
2261
02:02:06,118 --> 02:02:08,788
What, did you not see
the writing on the wall?
2262
02:02:10,356 --> 02:02:12,357
Read the room, baby girl.
2263
02:02:12,358 --> 02:02:13,359
There's only one.
2264
02:02:14,660 --> 02:02:17,063
It's not like you have
anything else to read.
2265
02:02:18,030 --> 02:02:19,297
It's a crazy thing to put
2266
02:02:19,298 --> 02:02:21,467
on the front window
of your Pilates studio.
2267
02:02:23,202 --> 02:02:25,071
I feel sorry for the woman
who put that there.
2268
02:02:25,938 --> 02:02:28,774
She thinks she and Anne Frank
both have better days ahead of them.
2269
02:02:30,476 --> 02:02:32,278
I don't think she finished the book.
2270
02:02:33,312 --> 02:02:35,080
Serena Thiel!
2271
02:02:35,081 --> 02:02:39,017
Got it in. One minute, 12 seconds.
Three seconds away from the bear.
2272
02:02:39,018 --> 02:02:42,354
Your final and fourth competitor,
ladies and gentlemen.
2273
02:02:42,355 --> 02:02:47,759
Used to do comedy in New York,
and I gave him a spot at the Mothership.
2274
02:02:47,760 --> 02:02:50,596
Make some noise.
Danny Martinello, ladies and gentlemen.
2275
02:02:51,564 --> 02:02:55,034
And at the end of this,
you decide who wins.
2276
02:02:56,135 --> 02:02:59,104
{\an8}I've been exchanging
some sexies with this girl.
2277
02:02:59,105 --> 02:03:02,273
{\an8}Usually I don't send nudes
unless you want them.
2278
02:03:02,274 --> 02:03:04,343
{\an8}Then I'm just launching the whole fleet.
2279
02:03:05,244 --> 02:03:07,345
And she hit me back with...
2280
02:03:07,346 --> 02:03:10,883
She said, "Can you take a picture,
but next to a remote, please?"
2281
02:03:11,884 --> 02:03:14,486
I said, "100%, I can.
No problem with that."
2282
02:03:14,487 --> 02:03:17,223
"But you're getting
the Roku remote, though."
2283
02:03:19,058 --> 02:03:23,596
You kidding? Send that off
just being like, "I am a Titan."
2284
02:03:24,630 --> 02:03:27,532
It's such a strange unit
of measurement to ask for, though.
2285
02:03:27,533 --> 02:03:30,201
Why wouldn't you
just straight up ask for a ruler?
2286
02:03:30,202 --> 02:03:31,971
It's got inches on it.
2287
02:03:32,671 --> 02:03:35,975
Centimeters, if you want to feel like
a metric massive man.
2288
02:03:37,510 --> 02:03:40,678
That's so strange, though,
because no dude's gonna ever do that.
2289
02:03:40,679 --> 02:03:43,415
No dude's gonna ask for scale, you know?
2290
02:03:43,416 --> 02:03:46,317
They're never gonna just be like,
"Nice. Beautiful pussy,
2291
02:03:46,318 --> 02:03:49,455
but do you think you could take it
next to a toaster, please?"
2292
02:03:51,357 --> 02:03:54,927
"Just trying to see what kind of slot
you're working with here."
2293
02:03:56,195 --> 02:03:57,896
Find out she has a couple kids.
2294
02:03:57,897 --> 02:04:00,933
You're like, "Yeah,
that's a four banger toaster, for sure."
2295
02:04:02,301 --> 02:04:05,804
You gotta dump a couple crumbs
out of that tray. Thank you. God bless.
2296
02:04:05,805 --> 02:04:07,305
Boom! Danny Martinello.
2297
02:04:07,306 --> 02:04:09,474
All right. You guys, stand back up.
2298
02:04:09,475 --> 02:04:12,310
Stand next to Danny,
and the audience decides.
2299
02:04:12,311 --> 02:04:18,583
We have an actual meter,
a metric system of deciding who wins.
2300
02:04:18,584 --> 02:04:22,320
So, ladies and gentlemen, here we go.
2301
02:04:22,321 --> 02:04:26,157
If you have Jack Shaw
winning this competition,
2302
02:04:26,158 --> 02:04:28,860
make some noise.
2303
02:04:28,861 --> 02:04:30,496
What are we at? What do we got?
2304
02:04:31,897 --> 02:04:34,299
What was the max there?
What are we calling that?
2305
02:04:34,300 --> 02:04:36,534
- We got up to 90-something.
- Ninety-four.
2306
02:04:36,535 --> 02:04:39,905
Ninety-six-point-zero?
2307
02:04:40,840 --> 02:04:42,740
All right. Okay.
2308
02:04:42,741 --> 02:04:45,611
How many of you
have David Jolly winning this?
2309
02:04:49,982 --> 02:04:50,983
Ninety-five.
2310
02:04:52,518 --> 02:04:54,887
How many of you have Serena Thiel winning?
2311
02:04:57,890 --> 02:05:00,025
Ninety-six-seven.
2312
02:05:01,961 --> 02:05:04,663
And how many of you
have Danny Martinello winning?
2313
02:05:06,732 --> 02:05:08,333
Oh, that's it.
2314
02:05:08,334 --> 02:05:10,768
Danny Martinello wins.
2315
02:05:10,769 --> 02:05:14,005
And on top of just performing
at Madison Square Garden,
2316
02:05:14,006 --> 02:05:18,243
you get to perform in an arena
in Austin, Texas, on New Year's Eve.
2317
02:05:18,244 --> 02:05:20,578
Congratulations, Danny Martinello.
2318
02:05:20,579 --> 02:05:24,315
That is Kill or Be Killed,
an absolute turbo round.
2319
02:05:24,316 --> 02:05:26,184
Make some noise for all of them.
2320
02:05:26,185 --> 02:05:30,622
Danny Martinello, Serena Thiel,
David Jolly, and Jack Shaw.
2321
02:05:30,623 --> 02:05:32,223
Yeah, whatever.
2322
02:05:32,224 --> 02:05:34,560
- Fuck yeah, that was awesome.
- Yeah, whatever.
2323
02:05:36,128 --> 02:05:38,563
{\an8}Yeah, whatever, Tony.
2324
02:05:38,564 --> 02:05:41,200
{\an8}Oh, shit, it's the Roastmaster General!
2325
02:05:42,067 --> 02:05:44,103
Whatever, Tony.
2326
02:05:45,070 --> 02:05:47,372
Come on! Move it!
2327
02:05:47,373 --> 02:05:49,374
What the hell is going on, Tony?
2328
02:05:49,375 --> 02:05:52,311
Make some noise for Jeffrey Ross,
ladies and gentlemen.
2329
02:05:53,546 --> 02:05:57,815
His brand new Broadway show,
Take a Banana for the Ride,
2330
02:05:57,816 --> 02:06:02,854
is out starting on Monday,
and running here on Broadway,
2331
02:06:02,855 --> 02:06:06,391
through the entire season
at multiple shows.
2332
02:06:06,392 --> 02:06:08,226
- Many shows.
- Tony.
2333
02:06:08,227 --> 02:06:09,694
Tony.
2334
02:06:09,695 --> 02:06:11,329
Yeah, Jeff?
2335
02:06:11,330 --> 02:06:12,830
Wait, we're going backstage.
2336
02:06:12,831 --> 02:06:15,334
Look at all the ugly
fucking fans back here.
2337
02:06:17,269 --> 02:06:19,738
This looks like
an Ugly Lives Matter rally.
2338
02:06:22,308 --> 02:06:23,742
Where are you? Where are you?
2339
02:06:25,644 --> 02:06:30,782
Where is he at? Make some goddamn noise
for the Roastmaster General, Jeffrey Ross.
2340
02:06:30,783 --> 02:06:32,585
Oh, yeah. There he is.
2341
02:06:34,386 --> 02:06:37,489
What the fuck is up, New York City?
2342
02:06:42,728 --> 02:06:44,262
- Tony.
- Yeah.
2343
02:06:44,263 --> 02:06:45,396
Welcome to New York.
2344
02:06:45,397 --> 02:06:48,132
I would say,
"Take a bite out of the Big Apple,"
2345
02:06:48,133 --> 02:06:51,604
but with those teeth, there'd be nothing
left for the rest of us.
2346
02:06:53,572 --> 02:06:56,241
Matt Rife
is what Tony thinks he looks like.
2347
02:06:59,878 --> 02:07:00,913
Goddamn.
2348
02:07:01,847 --> 02:07:05,149
Tony, you do so much for disabled comics.
2349
02:07:05,150 --> 02:07:06,851
But enough about Redban.
2350
02:07:06,852 --> 02:07:08,387
Hey!
2351
02:07:09,855 --> 02:07:13,324
Redban, great to see you
at Madison Square Garden,
2352
02:07:13,325 --> 02:07:16,161
instead of the Olive Garden
on Madison Avenue.
2353
02:07:18,864 --> 02:07:22,900
Tony, I'm so proud of you, buddy.
I'm so proud of you.
2354
02:07:22,901 --> 02:07:26,304
I mean, here we are,
Madison Square Garden,
2355
02:07:26,305 --> 02:07:30,476
sold out, Netflix special,
top of the charts.
2356
02:07:33,846 --> 02:07:36,548
I gotta say, for a bottom,
you're really on top.
2357
02:07:40,119 --> 02:07:42,954
But I was really disappointed
last November
2358
02:07:42,955 --> 02:07:45,456
when you came to this very venue
2359
02:07:45,457 --> 02:07:50,061
and you called Puerto Rico,
the island of Puerto Rico,
2360
02:07:50,062 --> 02:07:52,196
a heaping pile of garbage.
2361
02:07:52,197 --> 02:07:54,332
A floating island of garbage.
2362
02:07:54,333 --> 02:07:57,603
I'm just sorry
you'd never been to Staten Island.
2363
02:08:00,839 --> 02:08:04,308
Tony, from the bottom of my heart,
I appreciate you.
2364
02:08:04,309 --> 02:08:07,145
I love what you do for comics. Thank you.
2365
02:08:07,146 --> 02:08:08,846
You coming to my show this week?
2366
02:08:08,847 --> 02:08:12,784
I am. I'm going to opening night Monday.
Take a Banana for the Ride.
2367
02:08:12,785 --> 02:08:14,285
It's gonna be huge.
2368
02:08:14,286 --> 02:08:16,521
How long does that run on Broadway?
2369
02:08:16,522 --> 02:08:18,656
We're going through the end of September.
2370
02:08:18,657 --> 02:08:22,226
It's basically a tribute to this tribe.
2371
02:08:22,227 --> 02:08:26,832
There's a tribute to Norm Macdonald,
Bob Saget, and Gilbert Gottfried.
2372
02:08:27,633 --> 02:08:30,435
It's at the Nederlander Theatre.
2373
02:08:30,436 --> 02:08:33,771
If you're going through something tough
in your life right now,
2374
02:08:33,772 --> 02:08:35,707
this is the thing to do.
2375
02:08:35,708 --> 02:08:38,843
Come on down to my show
at the Nederlander on Broadway.
2376
02:08:38,844 --> 02:08:41,179
It's a dream come true for me.
2377
02:08:41,180 --> 02:08:44,549
And I know anybody who loves comedy
is gonna love this show.
2378
02:08:44,550 --> 02:08:47,518
I saw the test run
when it was in Austin, Texas.
2379
02:08:47,519 --> 02:08:49,987
It was fucking unbelievable.
You saw it too, right?
2380
02:08:49,988 --> 02:08:53,124
It's fucking great. Everybody loved it.
Get tickets.
2381
02:08:53,125 --> 02:08:56,794
Jeff Ross, broadway.com.
Take a Banana for the Ride.
2382
02:08:56,795 --> 02:09:00,698
One of my first mentors,
best friends, like a father to me.
2383
02:09:00,699 --> 02:09:03,602
Make some noise
for the great Jeff Ross, everybody.
2384
02:09:09,007 --> 02:09:11,510
Catch him on Broadway.
Jeff, we love you, buddy.
2385
02:09:12,711 --> 02:09:13,544
All right.
2386
02:09:13,545 --> 02:09:17,315
Guys, this is a three-hour long show
and we are at the end.
2387
02:09:17,316 --> 02:09:22,386
There's only one way
to end a show like this.
2388
02:09:22,387 --> 02:09:24,622
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you
2389
02:09:24,623 --> 02:09:27,825
the all-time record holder
for appearances on this show,
2390
02:09:27,826 --> 02:09:30,261
all-time interviews.
2391
02:09:30,262 --> 02:09:34,632
The Hall of Famer who still goes into it
2392
02:09:34,633 --> 02:09:38,002
and writes a new minute every single week.
2393
02:09:38,003 --> 02:09:40,705
This is The Memphis Strangler,
2394
02:09:40,706 --> 02:09:43,741
The Vanilla Gorilla...
2395
02:09:43,742 --> 02:09:46,512
...The New York Yankee.
2396
02:09:47,913 --> 02:09:52,451
This is The Big Red Machine,
William Montgomery, everybody!
2397
02:10:06,031 --> 02:10:09,168
Okay, turn the fire off,
who's ever doing that!
2398
02:10:09,735 --> 02:10:12,871
{\an8}How's it going, Madison Square Garden?
2399
02:10:17,376 --> 02:10:19,944
Redban said before the show,
2400
02:10:19,945 --> 02:10:23,381
I'd like to stick my autopen
in Ashley Biden.
2401
02:10:23,382 --> 02:10:25,350
What did you mean by that?
2402
02:10:27,186 --> 02:10:31,656
I'm kind of surprised the New York Jets
didn't change their name.
2403
02:10:31,657 --> 02:10:36,127
Like if the Oklahoma City Thunder
had been called the Oklahoma City Bombers,
2404
02:10:36,128 --> 02:10:38,764
I'm pretty sure
they would have changed their name.
2405
02:10:42,334 --> 02:10:46,537
Jesus turned water into wine
and the Jews were like,
2406
02:10:46,538 --> 02:10:50,642
"Damn, we should steal his idea
and kill his ass."
2407
02:10:53,812 --> 02:10:58,082
Imagine being the guy
Jeffrey Epstein didn't let on the island.
2408
02:10:58,083 --> 02:10:59,884
"Yeah, I was talking to the girls,
2409
02:10:59,885 --> 02:11:02,653
and there are just certain lines
they refuse to cross."
2410
02:11:02,654 --> 02:11:03,921
"I mean, let's be real,
2411
02:11:03,922 --> 02:11:07,092
I could be a difficult boss at times,
but I'm not a monster."
2412
02:11:09,728 --> 02:11:12,163
My parents asked me
if I was afraid of death,
2413
02:11:12,164 --> 02:11:15,366
and I said, "Mom and Dad,
I'm only afraid of two things."
2414
02:11:15,367 --> 02:11:18,737
"Having grandkids
and disappointing Nick Saban!"
2415
02:11:21,607 --> 02:11:23,976
Have they made a Black Air Bud movie yet?
2416
02:11:26,578 --> 02:11:29,480
Okay, that's my time. Thank you, New York.
2417
02:11:29,481 --> 02:11:34,785
William "Lights Out" Montgomery
has done it again
2418
02:11:34,786 --> 02:11:38,890
live from Madison Square Garden.
2419
02:11:38,891 --> 02:11:41,192
- How did it feel, William?
- Good.
2420
02:11:41,193 --> 02:11:44,929
Oh, my gosh,
I was hoping you and Matt were gonna kiss.
2421
02:11:44,930 --> 02:11:47,698
I was really hoping
y'all were about to kiss up there.
2422
02:11:47,699 --> 02:11:50,534
Okay. What else is going on, William?
2423
02:11:50,535 --> 02:11:52,303
- I want to kiss you, Tony.
- Okay.
2424
02:11:52,304 --> 02:11:53,704
Okay, no, I'm kidding.
2425
02:11:53,705 --> 02:11:56,774
No, Tony, I've had a wonderful time
in New York City.
2426
02:11:56,775 --> 02:11:58,476
I'm a real big foodie.
2427
02:11:58,477 --> 02:12:02,146
I've discovered
all these great places to eat, Tony.
2428
02:12:02,147 --> 02:12:05,716
There's so many different genres of food
here in New York City.
2429
02:12:05,717 --> 02:12:08,686
I mean, I think I've really enjoyed
some Moroccan food.
2430
02:12:08,687 --> 02:12:09,887
I've been trying that.
2431
02:12:09,888 --> 02:12:12,958
I tried some Italian food, um...
2432
02:12:14,593 --> 02:12:17,094
some Dominican food.
2433
02:12:17,095 --> 02:12:21,799
What other kind of foods
have you tried, William?
2434
02:12:21,800 --> 02:12:24,936
Maybe some Japanese food!
2435
02:12:24,937 --> 02:12:26,738
Oh!
2436
02:12:27,306 --> 02:12:28,205
I really love--
2437
02:12:28,206 --> 02:12:32,009
Went to an Australian place
last night, Tony.
2438
02:12:32,010 --> 02:12:34,712
- Wow.
- Outback Steakhouse, Tony!
2439
02:12:34,713 --> 02:12:36,081
Oh!
2440
02:12:37,549 --> 02:12:40,251
That's my new sponsor, literally.
Outback Steakhouse.
2441
02:12:40,252 --> 02:12:43,422
They're paying me money
to start mentioning them on every show.
2442
02:12:44,356 --> 02:12:47,325
Wow. What other kinds of food
have you been eating?
2443
02:12:47,326 --> 02:12:49,093
People laughed at that one.
2444
02:12:49,094 --> 02:12:50,729
I was thinking...
2445
02:12:52,230 --> 02:12:56,534
Um, God,
I had some corndogs last night, Tony!
2446
02:12:56,535 --> 02:12:58,570
Um...
2447
02:12:59,271 --> 02:13:01,539
Mark, what's another kind of food?
Help me.
2448
02:13:01,540 --> 02:13:05,042
I figured you at the homeless shelter?
2449
02:13:05,043 --> 02:13:06,344
Maybe soup kitchen?
2450
02:13:06,345 --> 02:13:12,249
Yeah. They have some good baked beans
at the soup kitchen.
2451
02:13:12,250 --> 02:13:13,151
Yeah.
2452
02:13:14,720 --> 02:13:15,920
Okay, uh--
2453
02:13:15,921 --> 02:13:18,856
William, you think
you're ever going to stop
2454
02:13:18,857 --> 02:13:22,059
trying different types of food
here in New York City?
2455
02:13:22,060 --> 02:13:24,428
Ah, Tony, I don't think
I'm ever gonna stop...
2456
02:13:24,429 --> 02:13:28,333
Wow!
Ladies and gentlemen, William Montgomery.
2457
02:13:32,938 --> 02:13:36,574
Come on, make some noise
for William Montgomery, everybody.
2458
02:13:36,575 --> 02:13:38,777
Guys, we did it!
2459
02:13:40,045 --> 02:13:42,013
Did you guys have a great time tonight?
2460
02:13:42,014 --> 02:13:43,415
Oh, shit.
2461
02:13:44,483 --> 02:13:45,951
Those are legit sparks.
2462
02:13:47,452 --> 02:13:51,822
Thank you to everybody,
especially Madison Square Garden.
2463
02:13:51,823 --> 02:13:54,091
This place is unbelievable.
2464
02:13:54,092 --> 02:13:56,594
Thank you to you,
the great people of New York,
2465
02:13:56,595 --> 02:13:58,295
for supporting the show,
2466
02:13:58,296 --> 02:14:01,599
supporting real comedy,
supporting free speech.
2467
02:14:01,600 --> 02:14:05,170
How loud can this place get for
the great Matt Rife and Mark Normand, huh?
2468
02:14:07,973 --> 02:14:11,942
And our great legends,
Take a Banana for the Ride, Jeff Ross.
2469
02:14:11,943 --> 02:14:14,879
Harland Williams, The Harland Highway.
2470
02:14:14,880 --> 02:14:18,849
Catch Dave Attell's special,
Hot Cross Buns, here on Netflix.
2471
02:14:18,850 --> 02:14:21,419
Joe DeRosa,
I Never Promised You a Rose Garden.
2472
02:14:21,420 --> 02:14:23,254
Jim Norton, Unconceivable.
2473
02:14:23,255 --> 02:14:26,991
One more time for all the regulars,
Golden ticket winners.
2474
02:14:26,992 --> 02:14:31,495
The Best Damn Band in the Land
is playing tonight at the Blue Note.
2475
02:14:31,496 --> 02:14:32,763
Big afterparty.
2476
02:14:32,764 --> 02:14:35,566
A special thank you to the IBEW,
2477
02:14:35,567 --> 02:14:39,336
the International Brotherhood
of Electrical Workers, Local 3,
2478
02:14:39,337 --> 02:14:41,405
here in New York City.
2479
02:14:41,406 --> 02:14:44,208
And one more time
for Madison Square Garden.
2480
02:14:44,209 --> 02:14:46,343
Truly, they treat us so great.
2481
02:14:46,344 --> 02:14:48,279
It's the best arena in the world.
2482
02:14:48,280 --> 02:14:50,047
Thank you to Netflix. Redban.
2483
02:14:50,048 --> 02:14:51,816
Love you guys. Thank you so much.
2484
02:14:51,817 --> 02:14:53,651
Thank you. Good night, everybody.
2485
02:14:53,652 --> 02:14:54,986
- Thank you!
- Yeah, comedy!