WEBVTT FILE

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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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Push, push, push!

4
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I can't do it! It hurts!
I hate you, bitch!

5
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Hey!

6
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Sorry, but the expectant mother
often lashes out at her support system.

7
00:00:39.333 --> 00:00:41.665
Lainy, why do we
have to play "mom" every day?

8
00:00:41.666 --> 00:00:43.749
I don't even want to be a mom.

9
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Never say that, Kate.

10
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Being a mom is the greatest thing
a human being can do.

11
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And someday, when we do it for real,

12
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we're gonna have to be there
for each other.

13
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- Because our moms are dead.
- Mm-hmm.

14
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Now hold my hand! I'm crowning!

15
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<i>♪ The hotel above and the street below
People come... ♪</i>

16
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<i>Lainy, did you call me just to yawn?</i>

17
00:01:15.166 --> 00:01:17.541
Kate, I can't dictate what my body needs.

18
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But you really think it's happening today?

19
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<i>Are you serious?</i>

20
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<i>He's taking you to a fancy restaurant
on your anniversary.</i>

21
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<i>He's going to propose!</i>

22
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I mean, he said he has something
very special to ask you. It's happening.

23
00:01:31.375 --> 00:01:33.957
<i>Oh, gosh! I can't handle it.</i>

24
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Okay, so you really think
today is the day?

25
00:01:36.625 --> 00:01:38.374
<i>I know today is the day.</i>

26
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<i>And today is also the day
that I find a gray pube,</i>

27
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<i>because I just found a gray pube. Wow.</i>

28
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Ooh, can I see?

29
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- Get the hell out of here!
- Okay. All right.

30
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It'll make your bush look wiser.

31
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<i>Now this thing is going to look
like Steve Martin by the summer.</i>

32
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Goddammit. Mark, where are my tweezers
that are supposed to be just for me?

33
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<i>Oh, God, are you okay?</i>

34
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All good.
That's why I leave the pillows there.

35
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Found it. Sorry about that.
Had a nasty-ass ingrown.

36
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- Get out.
- Okay.

37
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Goddammit.

38
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Are you going to say yes?

39
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Uh, yes.

40
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Yeah, marriage!

41
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<i>I've been waiting
for this moment for so long.</i>

42
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Honey, it's happening.

43
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Do I have a mustache?

44
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<i>No, you're insane.</i>

45
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<i>No, do I have a fucking mustache?</i>

46
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I love you so much.
I'll see you at school.

47
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- Bye.
<i>- Hey, do I have a fucking mustache?</i>

48
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Oh my God, Mark? Mark?

49
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Yeah?

50
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Oh, this time you don't come in. Come in!

51
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Okay. Just...

52
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Oh...

53
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Oh, babe.

54
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- Oh my God.
- We're having a baby.

55
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We're gonna have a baby.

56
00:02:56.000 --> 00:02:57.375
Why is it wet?

57
00:02:58.041 --> 00:02:59.750
It's piss, Mark.

58
00:03:00.333 --> 00:03:06.875 line:5%
"Oh, Romeo! Romeo!
Wherefore art thou, Romeo?"

59
00:03:08.041 --> 00:03:11.124 line:5%
"Deny thy father and refuse thy name,

60
00:03:11.125 --> 00:03:13.290 line:5%
or if thou wilt not,

61
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be but sworn, my love,

62
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I'll no longer be a Capulet."

63
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Ms. Newton...

64
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I'm unbelievably uncomfortable right now.

65
00:03:23.541 --> 00:03:26.790
Okay. Thank you
for expressing that to me, Brett.

66
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Go ahead, take your seat.

67
00:03:28.500 --> 00:03:31.833
Now, does everyone understand

68
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what's happening in this masterful text?

69
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Yeah, Juliet's trying to smash.

70
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Yes. Very funny, Liam.
That is one way of looking at it.

71
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But it's more pure than that.

72
00:03:47.375 --> 00:03:51.457
These two people are in love,
and that's how you all got here.

73
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Your parents fell in love,

74
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and then you gave them
the greatest gift of all...

75
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when you made them mommies and daddies.

76
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You have a mustache.

77
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I knew it.

78
00:04:04.916 --> 00:04:06.915
Oh!

79
00:04:06.916 --> 00:04:09.875
Everyone, work on your summaries, okay?

80
00:04:14.500 --> 00:04:15.540
Hi.

81
00:04:15.541 --> 00:04:17.582
<i>Hey, smoke show,
I left my watch at home.</i>

82
00:04:17.583 --> 00:04:19.249
<i>Mind grabbing it on the way to dinner?</i>

83
00:04:19.250 --> 00:04:21.915
<i>Makes everything else I'm wearing
look a little better, you know?</i>

84
00:04:21.916 --> 00:04:24.083
Sure, I can grab it.

85
00:04:24.750 --> 00:04:27.207
Sounds like you want to
look really sharp for tonight.

86
00:04:27.208 --> 00:04:28.582
<i>I gotta look good for you, babe.</i>

87
00:04:28.583 --> 00:04:30.665
<i>Thanks for getting the watch.
I'll see you tonight.</i>

88
00:04:30.666 --> 00:04:31.666
You got it. Bye.

89
00:04:33.208 --> 00:04:35.250
You look happy. I don't like it.

90
00:04:35.875 --> 00:04:37.874
I think Dave's popping
the question tonight.

91
00:04:37.875 --> 00:04:39.540
Ooh!

92
00:04:39.541 --> 00:04:42.040
I guess I can free myself up
to be maid of honor.

93
00:04:42.041 --> 00:04:43.749
I can't do weekends, though.

94
00:04:43.750 --> 00:04:46.249
Yeah. I don't know
if you'll have to worry about that.

95
00:04:46.250 --> 00:04:47.749
What are you doing here?

96
00:04:47.750 --> 00:04:50.040
I'm a guidance counselor, so I'm guiding.

97
00:04:50.041 --> 00:04:52.000
A lot of lost souls in this school.

98
00:04:52.500 --> 00:04:55.249
If it wasn't for me,
it would be a shitshow.

99
00:04:55.250 --> 00:04:56.416
Hey!

100
00:04:57.625 --> 00:04:58.874
Where were you?

101
00:04:58.875 --> 00:05:01.791
You smell like cocaine.
I'll be back.

102
00:05:02.541 --> 00:05:04.165
We can talk about dresses later.

103
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What have you got in your locker?
Eight ball, nine ball?

104
00:05:09.833 --> 00:05:12.541
<i>♪ Do it, baby, do what I should think ♪</i>

105
00:05:16.791 --> 00:05:19.375
<i>♪ Do it, baby, do what I should think ♪</i>

106
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<i>♪ Do it, baby, do what I could think ♪</i>

107
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<i>♪ I ain't never rep a set, baby ♪</i>

108
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<i>♪ Ain't do no wrong ♪</i>

109
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Wait till I decorate this place.

110
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<i>♪ 'Cause I want to make it, so badly... ♪</i>

111
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Ah!

112
00:05:34.291 --> 00:05:35.790
There you are.

113
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<i>- ♪ Don't at me ♪
- ♪ Hell no ♪</i>

114
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<i>♪ You rep my city for so damn long ♪</i>

115
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Oh, Dave.

116
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Size four? I love that you think that.

117
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<i>♪ Do it, baby, do what I should think ♪</i>

118
00:05:53.458 --> 00:05:56.458
<i>♪ Do it, baby, do what I could think ♪</i>

119
00:05:57.083 --> 00:05:58.250
Gosh.

120
00:06:22.375 --> 00:06:25.125
Sorry. Hi.

121
00:06:28.000 --> 00:06:28.958
Don't get up.

122
00:06:29.583 --> 00:06:30.833
- Hey, babe.
- Hi.

123
00:06:33.708 --> 00:06:36.708
Did you see
I had a little stumble on the stairs?

124
00:06:37.500 --> 00:06:38.458
A stumble?

125
00:06:39.708 --> 00:06:41.916
I think that girl tripped me.

126
00:06:42.875 --> 00:06:45.290
You look nice. I like the dress.

127
00:06:45.291 --> 00:06:47.541
Well, thank you. I'm a little tight.

128
00:06:48.416 --> 00:06:50.540
I feel like I'm breathing through a straw.

129
00:06:50.541 --> 00:06:53.541
But we're all going to end up
that way someday, right?

130
00:06:55.125 --> 00:06:57.666
I'm just joking about
getting old and dying.

131
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Let's order.

132
00:07:01.000 --> 00:07:02.333
Showtime.

133
00:07:07.625 --> 00:07:09.749
So, anyway, um...

134
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Four years, me and you, long-ass time.

135
00:07:13.416 --> 00:07:14.707
You're telling me.

136
00:07:14.708 --> 00:07:16.707
And I was thinking to myself,

137
00:07:16.708 --> 00:07:19.250
"Dave, it's time to level this shit up."

138
00:07:20.291 --> 00:07:21.832
- Yeah, level it up.
- Right?

139
00:07:21.833 --> 00:07:23.165
The champagne you ordered, sir.

140
00:07:23.166 --> 00:07:25.040
I got it, thanks. You guys can go.

141
00:07:25.041 --> 00:07:28.707
We're in the middle of
something really important.

142
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Let's go.

143
00:07:30.666 --> 00:07:35.416
Lainy... [clears throat] ...I want you
to make me the luckiest man alive.

144
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<i>Bon appétit.</i>

145
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Oh my God. It's beautiful.

146
00:07:40.625 --> 00:07:42.666
This is it, right? It's here?

147
00:07:43.333 --> 00:07:44.416
Aw...

148
00:07:45.291 --> 00:07:46.790
Where you at?

149
00:07:46.791 --> 00:07:48.874
What the... What are you doing?

150
00:07:48.875 --> 00:07:50.290
I am... I...

151
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Sorry, I thought...

152
00:07:52.625 --> 00:07:54.665
Um... I'm just really nervous,

153
00:07:54.666 --> 00:07:57.375
but say what you were saying,
don't worry about this.

154
00:07:58.250 --> 00:07:59.291
Lainy...

155
00:08:01.291 --> 00:08:02.458
I want us...

156
00:08:05.666 --> 00:08:07.250
to have a threesome.

157
00:08:09.166 --> 00:08:10.874
Uh, a what what?

158
00:08:10.875 --> 00:08:12.041
A threesome.

159
00:08:12.541 --> 00:08:14.290
Look, babe, our relationship is strong.

160
00:08:14.291 --> 00:08:15.707
Let's open it up, right?

161
00:08:15.708 --> 00:08:17.499
Oh, uh, this is Moira.

162
00:08:17.500 --> 00:08:20.791
Hi! Davey's told me so much about you.

163
00:08:21.375 --> 00:08:23.708
Oh, it's my dress.
I knew I left it over there.

164
00:08:24.375 --> 00:08:27.749
What the fuck, Dave?
I thought you wanted to get married.

165
00:08:27.750 --> 00:08:29.833
Lainy, come on.

166
00:08:30.333 --> 00:08:32.124
You can't have a threesome with your wife.

167
00:08:32.125 --> 00:08:34.332
- That's weird, right?
- Yeah, that's gross.

168
00:08:34.333 --> 00:08:36.415
Wife, weird. Girlfriend, cool.

169
00:08:36.416 --> 00:08:38.249
Anyway, I'm going to pay for this check.

170
00:08:38.250 --> 00:08:39.957
We'll go back to my apartment,

171
00:08:39.958 --> 00:08:42.791
chisel you out of that dress,
and see what happens.

172
00:08:45.708 --> 00:08:48.166
Lainy, what the fuck?

173
00:08:51.416 --> 00:08:53.166
Lainy, you are causing a scene.

174
00:08:53.916 --> 00:08:57.208
You want a scene? You want a scene!

175
00:09:01.250 --> 00:09:04.540
I'll show you a fucking scene!
You want a scene?

176
00:09:04.541 --> 00:09:07.624
Here's a scene
coming at you and your dress!

177
00:09:07.625 --> 00:09:08.958
Fuck you!

178
00:09:09.833 --> 00:09:10.665
Lainy.

179
00:09:10.666 --> 00:09:12.375
I didn't really eat dinner.

180
00:09:14.083 --> 00:09:15.000
Lainy!

181
00:09:15.666 --> 00:09:17.249
This food sucks.

182
00:09:17.250 --> 00:09:19.500
It doesn't have to be Moira!

183
00:09:31.333 --> 00:09:33.166
- Ms. Newton?
- What?

184
00:09:33.916 --> 00:09:35.708
Do you want me to hand out the quizzes?

185
00:09:41.208 --> 00:09:42.208
No.

186
00:09:44.875 --> 00:09:46.833
It's going to be an oral exam.

187
00:09:47.625 --> 00:09:48.458
What?

188
00:09:50.041 --> 00:09:52.749
I'm assuming
you're all familiar with oral.

189
00:09:52.750 --> 00:09:54.166
Little perverts.

190
00:09:56.625 --> 00:09:57.583
Brett.

191
00:09:58.916 --> 00:10:01.332
What is <i>Romeo and Juliet</i> about?

192
00:10:01.333 --> 00:10:03.708
Oh, um, it's a beautiful love story.

193
00:10:05.875 --> 00:10:07.332
Wrong answer.

194
00:10:07.333 --> 00:10:09.374
Boo. Everyone boo Brett.

195
00:10:09.375 --> 00:10:11.707
Boo.

196
00:10:11.708 --> 00:10:14.790
- Really "boo" him.
- Boo!

197
00:10:14.791 --> 00:10:17.458
Boo! Very naive.

198
00:10:18.458 --> 00:10:19.624
Who was it?

199
00:10:19.625 --> 00:10:21.249
Ah! Liam.

200
00:10:21.250 --> 00:10:26.999
Yes. Liam, will you remind us,
what is <i>Romeo and Juliet</i> really about?

201
00:10:27.000 --> 00:10:29.290
Romeo just wants a piece?

202
00:10:29.291 --> 00:10:31.957
Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding!

203
00:10:31.958 --> 00:10:32.874
Right answer!

204
00:10:32.875 --> 00:10:36.957
Tell him what he's won!
A big fat dose of reality, kids.

205
00:10:36.958 --> 00:10:38.415
Because guess what?

206
00:10:38.416 --> 00:10:41.624
Romeo doesn't just want Juliet. No!

207
00:10:41.625 --> 00:10:45.290
Romeo wants pussy
from all over fair Verona.

208
00:10:45.291 --> 00:10:48.207
And he wants
a fucking threesome with Moira?

209
00:10:48.208 --> 00:10:51.208
Have you ever heard of Moira?

210
00:10:51.791 --> 00:10:52.999
What's a threesome?

211
00:10:53.000 --> 00:10:55.374
A threesome? Glad you asked this.

212
00:10:55.375 --> 00:10:58.624
Okay, everybody take notes,
because this is important.

213
00:10:58.625 --> 00:11:02.541
Get out your phone calculators
and whatever else the fuck you want.

214
00:11:03.958 --> 00:11:08.041
A threesome is when three people...

215
00:11:09.833 --> 00:11:14.499
do what only two people should do.

216
00:11:14.500 --> 00:11:15.915
Like a seesaw?

217
00:11:15.916 --> 00:11:18.124
Exactly like a seesaw!

218
00:11:18.125 --> 00:11:20.415
You know what?
Pass your books to the front.

219
00:11:20.416 --> 00:11:22.874
Everybody pass copies
of your books to the front.

220
00:11:22.875 --> 00:11:26.290
Come on, I don't have all day.
Come on, give me the fucking books!

221
00:11:26.291 --> 00:11:28.415
Let's go, let's go, come on!

222
00:11:28.416 --> 00:11:29.958
- Hurry up!
- I'm scared.

223
00:11:31.458 --> 00:11:35.125
Is this about your mustache?
'Cause it looks a lot better.

224
00:11:38.708 --> 00:11:41.082
This isn't about my mustache.

225
00:11:41.083 --> 00:11:44.875
This is about the fact that Shakespeare...

226
00:11:45.750 --> 00:11:47.000
is dog shit.

227
00:11:47.875 --> 00:11:49.458
And love...

228
00:11:50.458 --> 00:11:53.000
is a fucking lie.

229
00:12:10.708 --> 00:12:13.500
Um, Ms. Newton,
should we evacuate the school?

230
00:12:14.333 --> 00:12:15.499
Mm-hmm.

231
00:12:15.500 --> 00:12:18.332
<i>♪ Look, shit got me tripping
Fighting with my demons... ♪</i>

232
00:12:18.333 --> 00:12:22.290
Stay away from the fire.
We're not sure how it got lit.

233
00:12:22.291 --> 00:12:23.874
We'll get to the bottom of it.

234
00:12:23.875 --> 00:12:27.540
Get out, kids! We're gonna die! Get out!

235
00:12:27.541 --> 00:12:30.415
I don't want to burn to death! Get out!

236
00:12:30.416 --> 00:12:31.749
<i>♪ It don't come with a coupon ♪</i>

237
00:12:31.750 --> 00:12:34.124
<i>♪ And they'll never catch it
Like a ***** with no arms ♪</i>

238
00:12:34.125 --> 00:12:36.415
<i>♪ Baby, I'm trippin'
My feelings been fryin' me ♪</i>

239
00:12:36.416 --> 00:12:38.707
<i>♪ I blame it all on anxiety
I had two chops... ♪</i>

240
00:12:38.708 --> 00:12:41.624
All right, guys, come on.
Hurry up, let's go.

241
00:12:41.625 --> 00:12:43.582
<i>♪ They showing real love
That's unlikely ♪</i>

242
00:12:43.583 --> 00:12:45.207
<i>♪ Fuck you, I ain't ask you to like me ♪</i>

243
00:12:45.208 --> 00:12:47.790
<i>♪ Watch for that snake, he might bite me
Watch out for anybody... ♪</i>

244
00:12:47.791 --> 00:12:50.583
Excuse me. Sorry. Everyone, stay warm.

245
00:12:52.500 --> 00:12:53.583
Stay calm.

246
00:12:54.791 --> 00:12:56.291
Okay. Excuse me.

247
00:12:59.125 --> 00:13:00.707
<i>♪ Anxiety, keep on trying me ♪</i>

248
00:13:00.708 --> 00:13:02.457
<i>♪ Feel it quietly ♪</i>

249
00:13:02.458 --> 00:13:04.125
<i>♪ Tryna silence me, yeah ♪</i>

250
00:13:04.708 --> 00:13:05.583
<i>♪ Anxiety... ♪</i>

251
00:13:08.000 --> 00:13:09.999
<i>♪ Somebody's watching me... ♪</i>

252
00:13:10.000 --> 00:13:10.958
Hi.

253
00:13:12.833 --> 00:13:15.707
Oh, honey. I am so sorry.

254
00:13:15.708 --> 00:13:17.124
It's not your fault.

255
00:13:17.125 --> 00:13:18.166
Look at me.

256
00:13:18.750 --> 00:13:21.499
You are the moon. And the stars.

257
00:13:21.500 --> 00:13:24.707
And he is a dirty diaper.

258
00:13:24.708 --> 00:13:28.625
A tampon landfill monster.

259
00:13:29.208 --> 00:13:31.040
I just thought he was the one.

260
00:13:31.041 --> 00:13:32.624
You know, like the one, one.

261
00:13:32.625 --> 00:13:33.708
Fuck Dave.

262
00:13:34.333 --> 00:13:36.375
You don't need him or any guy.

263
00:13:37.291 --> 00:13:38.915
I want a family.

264
00:13:38.916 --> 00:13:40.165
That's my dream.

265
00:13:40.166 --> 00:13:43.082
You will have that dream. Anyone can.

266
00:13:43.083 --> 00:13:44.624
Anyone except for me,

267
00:13:44.625 --> 00:13:50.999
because Dave wants to explore
new vagina holes and butt holes.

268
00:13:51.000 --> 00:13:52.582
What about my holes?

269
00:13:52.583 --> 00:13:54.999
My holes aren't good enough
to shit a baby out of?

270
00:13:55.000 --> 00:13:57.082
Okay, can you stop saying holes?

271
00:13:57.083 --> 00:14:00.374
Sorry, it's just
thinking about a baby's thick head

272
00:14:00.375 --> 00:14:02.415
coming out of my hole is just too much.

273
00:14:02.416 --> 00:14:04.583
I can't take that right now.
Oh, thank you.

274
00:14:07.833 --> 00:14:10.540
You're not drinking. You look like shit.

275
00:14:10.541 --> 00:14:13.625
You don't want to talk about holes.
Are you fucking pregnant?

276
00:14:17.708 --> 00:14:19.415
- No!
- No?

277
00:14:19.416 --> 00:14:21.374
No! Get rid of it!

278
00:14:21.375 --> 00:14:22.499
What?

279
00:14:22.500 --> 00:14:24.749
No, I'm sorry.
I don't know why I said that.

280
00:14:24.750 --> 00:14:25.874
I'm sorry. God.

281
00:14:25.875 --> 00:14:29.124
I just...
I thought that I would have a baby first

282
00:14:29.125 --> 00:14:31.832
and you would wait too long and, you know,

283
00:14:31.833 --> 00:14:34.249
try and adopt
and that wouldn't really pan out

284
00:14:34.250 --> 00:14:37.457
and you would just get
some weird pet, like, off-brand,

285
00:14:37.458 --> 00:14:39.707
like a ferret or some shit. I don't know.

286
00:14:39.708 --> 00:14:41.707
But I'm so happy for you.

287
00:14:41.708 --> 00:14:42.833
A baby?

288
00:14:45.458 --> 00:14:47.707
Lainy, I didn't want
to tell you right now.

289
00:14:47.708 --> 00:14:48.874
Please don't be mad.

290
00:14:48.875 --> 00:14:51.249
Stop! Why would I be mad at you?

291
00:14:51.250 --> 00:14:53.165
A baby. I'm so happy for you.

292
00:14:53.166 --> 00:14:54.500
Well, I mean...

293
00:14:55.375 --> 00:14:57.999
Yes, but you just demanded
I have an abortion.

294
00:14:58.000 --> 00:15:00.665
This is terrible timing.
I thought that you would be engaged

295
00:15:00.666 --> 00:15:02.957
and I'd be pregnant
and it'd be so nice, but I--

296
00:15:02.958 --> 00:15:04.832
No, it's fine. It is nice.

297
00:15:04.833 --> 00:15:06.166
It's amazing.

298
00:15:07.875 --> 00:15:09.375
You're having a baby.

299
00:15:10.125 --> 00:15:11.790
I know. It's so weird.

300
00:15:11.791 --> 00:15:13.166
So crazy.

301
00:15:15.125 --> 00:15:17.374
Thank you for knowing
I was gonna need to eat.

302
00:15:17.375 --> 00:15:18.666
Yeah, I knew.

303
00:15:21.166 --> 00:15:24.541
To just celebrating you
and not thinking about Dave.

304
00:15:25.500 --> 00:15:28.290
Hi, I'm Dave,
and we're the Threesomes.

305
00:15:28.291 --> 00:15:31.957
This is the first song
off our debut album, <i>Threesome.</i>

306
00:15:31.958 --> 00:15:33.500
It's called "Threesome."

307
00:15:43.041 --> 00:15:45.374
Are you sure
you're all good to be here today?

308
00:15:45.375 --> 00:15:46.374
- Yeah.
- Yeah?

309
00:15:46.375 --> 00:15:48.458
I'm, uh, fine.

310
00:15:49.583 --> 00:15:52.082
Being at work
is the best thing for me right now.

311
00:15:52.083 --> 00:15:53.874
Why would you want a family anyway

312
00:15:53.875 --> 00:15:56.915
when you're working
with these bleeding hemorrhoids all day?

313
00:15:56.916 --> 00:15:57.957
You heard me, Liam.

314
00:15:57.958 --> 00:15:59.790
You're the only teacher who can't swim.

315
00:15:59.791 --> 00:16:01.124
Lots of people can't swim.

316
00:16:01.125 --> 00:16:02.999
I'm gonna fuck his dad,
become his stepmom,

317
00:16:03.000 --> 00:16:04.207
and put him up for adoption.

318
00:16:04.208 --> 00:16:05.874
We're not supposed to threaten them.

319
00:16:05.875 --> 00:16:08.624
Lanes, this is me.
You got this, bitch. You're the GOAT.

320
00:16:08.625 --> 00:16:11.040
Don't talk like that in front of the baby.

321
00:16:11.041 --> 00:16:13.290
It's not even a baby yet,
it's just an embryo.

322
00:16:13.291 --> 00:16:15.832
It's not even an embryo,
it's just fermenting cum.

323
00:16:15.833 --> 00:16:17.915
It's just sitting in there like...

324
00:16:17.916 --> 00:16:21.249
Thank you so much for that visual today.

325
00:16:21.250 --> 00:16:24.207
Ha! <i>Golden Girls, Golden Girls.</i>

326
00:16:24.208 --> 00:16:27.165
Wow. How do you even know that show?
Aren't you too young?

327
00:16:27.166 --> 00:16:30.040
No, I looked up older lady references
so I could connect with you guys,

328
00:16:30.041 --> 00:16:31.707
my senior coworkers.

329
00:16:31.708 --> 00:16:33.832
Now, let me see the hand.

330
00:16:33.833 --> 00:16:36.207
I need to go live with this
to show my followers.

331
00:16:36.208 --> 00:16:38.625
- No, you don't need to see my hand.
- Let me see. Stop.

332
00:16:40.833 --> 00:16:42.290
Okay.

333
00:16:42.291 --> 00:16:44.082
- Oh, no.
- No, it's good.

334
00:16:44.083 --> 00:16:45.749 line:5%
<i>Looks like I got some bad intel.</i>

335
00:16:45.750 --> 00:16:47.332 line:5%
<i>No, it's actually really good.</i>

336
00:16:47.333 --> 00:16:50.332
I decided I wasn't ready to settle down.

337
00:16:50.333 --> 00:16:52.166
Really? At your age, honey?

338
00:16:53.541 --> 00:16:55.791
Because aren't you in your, like...

339
00:16:57.000 --> 00:16:57.916
...forties?

340
00:16:58.500 --> 00:17:00.832
Yes, I am. Are you okay?

341
00:17:00.833 --> 00:17:03.415
- I'm so sorry.
- It's fine. Please.

342
00:17:03.416 --> 00:17:04.625
- Okay.
- Okay.

343
00:17:05.750 --> 00:17:07.165
God, I hate her.

344
00:17:07.166 --> 00:17:08.291
She's the worst.

345
00:17:09.708 --> 00:17:12.833
It's like, look at that.
She's a teacher of children.

346
00:17:14.708 --> 00:17:16.499
Are you allowed to smoke in here?

347
00:17:16.500 --> 00:17:17.750
Yeah, it's just pot.

348
00:17:21.125 --> 00:17:24.082
Can you believe
that tarantula's gonna be a mother?

349
00:17:24.083 --> 00:17:25.582
Shirley's pregnant?

350
00:17:25.583 --> 00:17:26.625
Yeah.

351
00:17:27.166 --> 00:17:29.374
Her and Kate
will be together all the time,

352
00:17:29.375 --> 00:17:31.833
which frees us up
to work on our friendship.

353
00:17:33.583 --> 00:17:37.250
One, two. One, two.
One, five, six, seven, eight.

354
00:17:46.083 --> 00:17:47.082
No, no, no.

355
00:17:47.083 --> 00:17:48.791
Oh, God. Would you talk to me?

356
00:17:49.458 --> 00:17:50.457
Please.

357
00:17:50.458 --> 00:17:52.290
- Hi!
- Would you just talk to me?

358
00:17:52.291 --> 00:17:55.040
Lainy. Oh, my God,
what are you doing here?

359
00:17:55.041 --> 00:17:58.290
- Oh, getting coffee. It's a coffee shop.
- You okay?

360
00:17:58.291 --> 00:17:59.999
- I'm good.
- Want to talk about it?

361
00:18:00.000 --> 00:18:00.915
- Nope.
- Chin up.

362
00:18:00.916 --> 00:18:02.874
- Okay, please get off of me.
- My God, sad outfit.

363
00:18:02.875 --> 00:18:06.000
I'm just catching up with a good friend,
so I can't really talk.

364
00:18:06.625 --> 00:18:07.707
Who's this?

365
00:18:07.708 --> 00:18:08.708
Um...

366
00:18:09.625 --> 00:18:10.582
Latte.

367
00:18:10.583 --> 00:18:12.541
- His name's Latte?
- Yeah.

368
00:18:13.250 --> 00:18:17.708
Yeah. It's, you know,
just spelled like latte.

369
00:18:18.291 --> 00:18:19.207
Would you please?

370
00:18:19.208 --> 00:18:21.040
I did not know
you were such a little slut.

371
00:18:21.041 --> 00:18:23.540
- Okay. Please.
- I love this for you. So proud.

372
00:18:23.541 --> 00:18:24.749
Okay. Thank you.

373
00:18:24.750 --> 00:18:27.999
No, I don't... want to do this.

374
00:18:28.000 --> 00:18:29.207
Can I use your bathroom?

375
00:18:29.208 --> 00:18:30.874
- Yeah. Right there.
- Oh, God.

376
00:18:30.875 --> 00:18:32.082
She stresses me out.

377
00:18:32.083 --> 00:18:34.250
Sorry, I work with her. She's the worst.

378
00:18:35.250 --> 00:18:37.915
She's always just,
like, talking to me, you know?

379
00:18:37.916 --> 00:18:41.332
Kind of like, I guess,
what I'm doing to you right now.

380
00:18:41.333 --> 00:18:43.750
Well, you gotta
pay that stuff forward, right?

381
00:18:46.166 --> 00:18:47.250
Wait a second.

382
00:18:47.833 --> 00:18:48.749
Old Navy?

383
00:18:48.750 --> 00:18:52.208
Oh my gosh. This is really amazing.

384
00:18:52.958 --> 00:18:54.208
Are you my mirror?

385
00:18:56.333 --> 00:18:59.582
- No, it's not good.
- We got to work on our mirror work.

386
00:18:59.583 --> 00:19:01.665
Look, I don't want to upset you,

387
00:19:01.666 --> 00:19:05.665
but Old Navy is in no way
affiliated with the Navy.

388
00:19:05.666 --> 00:19:07.874
- What?
- I know, I'm so sorry.

389
00:19:07.875 --> 00:19:09.665
- Oh, no.
- Somebody had to tell you.

390
00:19:09.666 --> 00:19:11.125
You're old enough to know now.

391
00:19:11.708 --> 00:19:15.124
I have to stop thanking
all their employees for their service.

392
00:19:15.125 --> 00:19:16.958
Yeah, and applying for veterans' benefits.

393
00:19:18.000 --> 00:19:19.374
What is your name again?

394
00:19:19.375 --> 00:19:20.457
My name is Latte.

395
00:19:20.458 --> 00:19:23.582
- No, stop. What was your real name?
- My name is Josh.

396
00:19:23.583 --> 00:19:25.500
- Josh?
- Yeah.

397
00:19:27.041 --> 00:19:28.041
Well...

398
00:19:29.791 --> 00:19:31.040
Black cold brew for Josh.

399
00:19:31.041 --> 00:19:33.165
- That's me.
- Cold brew in the winter?

400
00:19:33.166 --> 00:19:35.582
- And...
- You don't have to say it. I'm right here.

401
00:19:35.583 --> 00:19:37.540
- You don't--
- Kid's hot chocolate with...

402
00:19:37.541 --> 00:19:39.665
...a crazy-slash-ridiculous amount
of whipped cream.

403
00:19:39.666 --> 00:19:42.082
So much whipped cream that
it's pretty much a milkshake.

404
00:19:42.083 --> 00:19:43.291
For Sasha Fierce.

405
00:19:43.875 --> 00:19:45.916
- Wow.
- Thank you. Very thorough.

406
00:19:46.500 --> 00:19:48.624
You can give them any name you want.

407
00:19:48.625 --> 00:19:50.124
I'm trying to live out loud.

408
00:19:50.125 --> 00:19:52.540
- Well, that's deafening.
- Yeah.

409
00:19:52.541 --> 00:19:54.040
Yeah.

410
00:19:54.041 --> 00:19:56.124
All right. I'm going this way, which...

411
00:19:56.125 --> 00:19:57.790
- I'm over here.
- All right.

412
00:19:57.791 --> 00:19:59.415
- Have a nice day.
- You too.

413
00:19:59.416 --> 00:20:01.250
See you when we're both swabbing the deck.

414
00:20:01.833 --> 00:20:02.958
What's that?

415
00:20:04.083 --> 00:20:07.624
I was going for another Old Navy... bit.

416
00:20:07.625 --> 00:20:10.124
Oh, yeah. Uh, anchors away. Land ho!

417
00:20:10.125 --> 00:20:11.458
What'd you call me?

418
00:20:12.083 --> 00:20:15.333
Oh! Sorry. Land sophisticated lady.

419
00:20:17.791 --> 00:20:18.749
Bye, Latte.

420
00:20:18.750 --> 00:20:19.916
Ms. Fierce.

421
00:20:28.750 --> 00:20:31.499
Everything's so soft here.

422
00:20:31.500 --> 00:20:32.583
I know.

423
00:20:33.166 --> 00:20:35.791
Oh, God, these mannequins
are really freaking me out.

424
00:20:36.583 --> 00:20:38.500
That's what you're going to look like.

425
00:20:39.583 --> 00:20:41.374
I'm with child.

426
00:20:41.375 --> 00:20:42.999
- Sanpellegrino.
- Thank you.

427
00:20:43.000 --> 00:20:44.166
Thank you.

428
00:20:46.875 --> 00:20:48.915
Man, my boobs really hurt.

429
00:20:48.916 --> 00:20:50.124
- Really?
- Yeah.

430
00:20:50.125 --> 00:20:52.375
And I can't stop puking.

431
00:20:54.125 --> 00:20:55.833
- Oh, that's cute.
- Gross.

432
00:20:56.916 --> 00:20:59.708
Does it look like
"picking up the boys from soccer"?

433
00:21:03.000 --> 00:21:06.999
You know, this store is just...
It's a little much, right?

434
00:21:07.000 --> 00:21:10.832
Yeah, no, it's like, it's awful.
We didn't have to do this.

435
00:21:10.833 --> 00:21:13.415
You dragged me in here.
I wanted to get a pedicure.

436
00:21:13.416 --> 00:21:14.624
No, no, no.

437
00:21:14.625 --> 00:21:17.124
I just want you to see
how supportive I am.

438
00:21:17.125 --> 00:21:20.374
And you are.
I always feel supported by you.

439
00:21:20.375 --> 00:21:22.915
If this is too hard, that's okay.

440
00:21:22.916 --> 00:21:24.957
No, it's not tough for me.

441
00:21:24.958 --> 00:21:26.207
I've just...

442
00:21:26.208 --> 00:21:29.666
I've been feeling
a little lonely lately, but I, uh...

443
00:21:30.833 --> 00:21:33.832
You know, you probably
don't even remember what that's like.

444
00:21:33.833 --> 00:21:37.624
Uh, married people can feel very lonely.

445
00:21:37.625 --> 00:21:39.665
I have been really horny, though.

446
00:21:39.666 --> 00:21:43.040
- Really?
- I can't stop masturbating to weird stuff.

447
00:21:43.041 --> 00:21:43.957
Oh.

448
00:21:43.958 --> 00:21:46.749
- Like <i>The Golden Bachelor.</i>
- Yeah?

449
00:21:46.750 --> 00:21:49.207
Something about it.
Maybe because my dad left?

450
00:21:49.208 --> 00:21:53.708
Okay. You know,
we should have more, like, secrets.

451
00:21:54.458 --> 00:21:56.332
What's wrong?

452
00:21:56.333 --> 00:21:58.791
- I'm gonna throw up my acai bowl.
- Oh.

453
00:21:59.541 --> 00:22:01.875
- You want me to hold your hair?
- No. I'm okay.

454
00:22:44.541 --> 00:22:48.665
Yeah. I'm 11 months, he won't come out.

455
00:22:48.666 --> 00:22:51.374
I'm gonna start charging him rent.
It's so hard.

456
00:22:51.375 --> 00:22:54.165
Miss, are you all right in there?
Do you need another size?

457
00:22:54.166 --> 00:22:55.915
No, I don't. Thank you.

458
00:22:55.916 --> 00:22:57.875
Oh, sweetheart.

459
00:22:58.625 --> 00:23:02.540
I know. You're adjusting
to the changes your body is going through.

460
00:23:02.541 --> 00:23:05.415
Just remember, this is a gift.

461
00:23:05.416 --> 00:23:07.832
You and your husband must be so excited.

462
00:23:07.833 --> 00:23:10.375
Or your wife. Or your...

463
00:23:12.291 --> 00:23:14.583
DoorDash driver.

464
00:23:15.166 --> 00:23:16.040
Oh.

465
00:23:16.041 --> 00:23:18.790
Uh, can I have a moment?
Can we have a moment?

466
00:23:18.791 --> 00:23:21.915
Women are miracles. How far along are you?

467
00:23:21.916 --> 00:23:24.832
Maybe, judging by
your facial bloating, five months?

468
00:23:24.833 --> 00:23:26.832
- I'll break your fucking neck.
- What was that?

469
00:23:26.833 --> 00:23:28.749
I've been a freaking wreck.

470
00:23:28.750 --> 00:23:32.207
Well, I would be too
if my ankles were that big.

471
00:23:32.208 --> 00:23:34.458
So how long have you been pregnant?

472
00:23:36.708 --> 00:23:40.374
Thanksgiving. It's my favorite parade.

473
00:23:40.375 --> 00:23:41.290
What?

474
00:23:41.291 --> 00:23:44.540
I'm gonna go and get you a burrito,
and then I'm gonna rub your feet.

475
00:23:44.541 --> 00:23:46.624
- You need to be pampered.
- Yes, I do.

476
00:23:46.625 --> 00:23:48.874
- Okay, stay right there.
- Yes. I will.

477
00:23:48.875 --> 00:23:49.958
Okay.

478
00:23:53.625 --> 00:23:54.625
Lainy?

479
00:24:00.291 --> 00:24:02.624
- Come on.
- Do I have anything on my face?

480
00:24:02.625 --> 00:24:05.291
No, you're great.
You know, everyone likes water.

481
00:24:28.375 --> 00:24:29.665
<i>Hey, you've reached Dave.</i>

482
00:24:29.666 --> 00:24:31.207
- <i>And Moira.</i>
- <i>And Andy.</i>

483
00:24:31.208 --> 00:24:32.916
<i>We're busy right now.</i>

484
00:24:33.625 --> 00:24:34.582
<i>Leave a message.</i>

485
00:24:34.583 --> 00:24:36.125
<i>Get your finger out of there.</i>

486
00:24:45.500 --> 00:24:46.333
Hi!

487
00:24:48.041 --> 00:24:49.790
- I heard you coming.
- How you doing?

488
00:24:49.791 --> 00:24:51.082
- Oh, my gosh.
- You good?

489
00:24:51.083 --> 00:24:52.375
Yeah. I'm good.

490
00:24:53.333 --> 00:24:55.375
I texted you last night. Did you get it?

491
00:25:01.791 --> 00:25:05.916
Mmm! So great. You guys do a great job.

492
00:25:55.708 --> 00:25:57.165
Mazel, mazel, mazel.

493
00:25:57.166 --> 00:25:58.499
Thank you.

494
00:25:58.500 --> 00:25:59.915
Congratulations, Mama.

495
00:25:59.916 --> 00:26:01.333
Oh, thanks.

496
00:26:05.958 --> 00:26:07.040
Looking good, Mama.

497
00:26:07.041 --> 00:26:08.207
Oh!

498
00:26:08.208 --> 00:26:09.375
Thanks.

499
00:26:10.416 --> 00:26:12.375
Bro, move, she's pregnant.

500
00:26:20.166 --> 00:26:21.166
Pregnant.

501
00:26:22.708 --> 00:26:27.333
<i>The next stop
is Metropolitan Avenue/Lorimer Street.</i>

502
00:26:35.333 --> 00:26:36.290
Oh, oh.

503
00:26:36.291 --> 00:26:37.375
Thanks, yeah.

504
00:26:41.541 --> 00:26:43.416
- You look so beautiful.
- Yeah.

505
00:26:44.375 --> 00:26:46.208
Oh, thank you.

506
00:26:46.791 --> 00:26:49.250
It's like your skin is glowing.

507
00:26:49.916 --> 00:26:50.916
Wow.

508
00:26:51.666 --> 00:26:53.875
It's probably because I'm pregnant.

509
00:26:54.916 --> 00:26:56.874
Mom, I want to get pregnant.

510
00:26:56.875 --> 00:26:59.915
- I want to get pregnant tonight.
- What? No, no, you don't.

511
00:26:59.916 --> 00:27:02.958
- Not when you're 15.
- You never let me do anything!

512
00:27:06.083 --> 00:27:07.083
Sorry.

513
00:27:07.666 --> 00:27:09.083
Fuck you.

514
00:27:15.166 --> 00:27:16.541
Hey. Thanks.

515
00:27:30.916 --> 00:27:32.416
Everyone settle.

516
00:27:33.500 --> 00:27:36.415
Mamaste.

517
00:27:36.416 --> 00:27:41.707
Let's all take a slow breath
into our space of motherhood.

518
00:27:41.708 --> 00:27:44.208
Inhale and pull up from the vagina.

519
00:27:45.875 --> 00:27:49.625
And exhale through your butthole.

520
00:27:53.500 --> 00:27:55.999
Up, up, up through the vagina.

521
00:27:56.000 --> 00:28:00.916
And out the anus butt.

522
00:28:04.666 --> 00:28:06.707
Now open your eyes.

523
00:28:06.708 --> 00:28:08.124
Welcome.

524
00:28:08.125 --> 00:28:10.707
Before we begin, any new mamas here today?

525
00:28:10.708 --> 00:28:12.540
There's a new next to me.

526
00:28:12.541 --> 00:28:13.624
Mamaste.

527
00:28:13.625 --> 00:28:15.874
- Mamaste.
- Mamaste.

528
00:28:15.875 --> 00:28:18.499
Mama some. Moccasin.

529
00:28:18.500 --> 00:28:20.541
How many weeks are you?

530
00:28:22.291 --> 00:28:23.915
We do the Mayan calendar,

531
00:28:23.916 --> 00:28:27.457
so it's like Labor Day, leap year,

532
00:28:27.458 --> 00:28:28.625
Thanksgiving.

533
00:28:29.291 --> 00:28:32.165
Sorry, I'm in my space still,
but do your class.

534
00:28:32.166 --> 00:28:34.500
Let's keep those in now.

535
00:28:35.500 --> 00:28:37.915
You are so very welcome here today.

536
00:28:37.916 --> 00:28:42.041
Now let's all get into happy baby
or whatever pose feels right to you.

537
00:29:05.791 --> 00:29:06.833
Okay...

538
00:29:10.916 --> 00:29:11.791
Hmm... Oh!

539
00:29:12.791 --> 00:29:15.832
Holy fuck! Oh, God.

540
00:29:15.833 --> 00:29:17.415
I'm okay. I'm fine.

541
00:29:17.416 --> 00:29:20.415
- Please don't touch me.
- I just want to make sure that the baby--

542
00:29:20.416 --> 00:29:22.540
Hey, hey, step away from her.

543
00:29:22.541 --> 00:29:24.583
If she wants help, she will ask.

544
00:29:34.083 --> 00:29:35.625
Hey, hey.

545
00:29:36.125 --> 00:29:39.499
Thank you so much
for standing up for me in there.

546
00:29:39.500 --> 00:29:41.207
Of course. Are you okay?

547
00:29:41.208 --> 00:29:42.707
Oh, yeah. I'm fine. Yeah.

548
00:29:42.708 --> 00:29:45.374
The energy in there
was just like a little nuts.

549
00:29:45.375 --> 00:29:48.207
- Right, yeah.
- Thought I would try the yoga thing...

550
00:29:48.208 --> 00:29:50.499
...but that was obviously not for me.

551
00:29:50.500 --> 00:29:53.915
It smelled like
a fucking queef salad in there.

552
00:29:53.916 --> 00:29:55.374
Yeah, it did.

553
00:29:55.375 --> 00:29:57.125
Right? It's disgusting.

554
00:29:57.708 --> 00:29:59.332
- Yeah. I'm Megan.
- Lainy.

555
00:29:59.333 --> 00:30:03.332
Ugh, my hormones are out of control,
and my husband is driving me insane.

556
00:30:03.333 --> 00:30:04.874
I'm sure I don't have to tell you.

557
00:30:04.875 --> 00:30:09.416
Well, actually, I don't have a husband,
so you probably do have to tell me.

558
00:30:10.583 --> 00:30:12.291
Oh, because I...

559
00:30:13.291 --> 00:30:15.040
We're not together.

560
00:30:15.041 --> 00:30:17.957
I'm single, doing it alone.

561
00:30:17.958 --> 00:30:19.790
Bless you, that is so brave.

562
00:30:19.791 --> 00:30:21.541
- Thank you. Yeah.
- Yeah.

563
00:30:22.166 --> 00:30:24.374
How's it going?
How's your pregnancy going?

564
00:30:24.375 --> 00:30:25.541
Perfect...

565
00:30:27.333 --> 00:30:29.749
...ly sucky.

566
00:30:29.750 --> 00:30:30.957
- God, it sucks.
- Yeah.

567
00:30:30.958 --> 00:30:34.374
Right? I hope this little shit
appreciates everything I'm going through.

568
00:30:34.375 --> 00:30:35.457
- Well, it won't.
- Right.

569
00:30:35.458 --> 00:30:36.416
How are your nipples?

570
00:30:37.291 --> 00:30:38.124
Real big.

571
00:30:38.125 --> 00:30:40.458
No, no, no, I meant, are they dry?

572
00:30:41.250 --> 00:30:42.832
Because mine are like scones.

573
00:30:42.833 --> 00:30:45.915
So dry. I thought it was the only one.

574
00:30:45.916 --> 00:30:47.665
No, I have the best nipple balm.

575
00:30:47.666 --> 00:30:49.082
Really? Wow.

576
00:30:49.083 --> 00:30:52.165
- You should get some of this.
- Oh my God. Yes. Thank you so much.

577
00:30:52.166 --> 00:30:53.416
God, I need it.

578
00:30:54.000 --> 00:30:55.915
Ugh!

579
00:30:55.916 --> 00:30:57.332
Is that a normal amount or...

580
00:30:57.333 --> 00:30:59.790
A little bit actually
does go a pretty long way...

581
00:30:59.791 --> 00:31:01.290
- ...but that's okay.
- Thank God.

582
00:31:01.291 --> 00:31:03.916
Oh, little bit? Okay.
I'll put the rest of it back.

583
00:31:04.708 --> 00:31:06.332
Actually, why don't you keep it?

584
00:31:06.333 --> 00:31:08.165
- Are you sure?
- Yeah, totally.

585
00:31:08.166 --> 00:31:09.374
- That's so nice.
- Yeah.

586
00:31:09.375 --> 00:31:11.457
I wish I had something cool to give you.

587
00:31:11.458 --> 00:31:12.915
- You're so funny.
- Thank you.

588
00:31:12.916 --> 00:31:14.832
Is it weird if I ask you to hang out?

589
00:31:14.833 --> 00:31:16.665
No, no, I would love to hang out.

590
00:31:16.666 --> 00:31:18.124
- Amazing.
- Yes.

591
00:31:18.125 --> 00:31:19.874
Oh, fancy seeing you here.

592
00:31:19.875 --> 00:31:23.665
- There's my guys.
- Oh my God. So cute.

593
00:31:23.666 --> 00:31:25.124
- Yeah.
- Hi.

594
00:31:25.125 --> 00:31:27.999
Cute little face
almost tore my asshole open.

595
00:31:28.000 --> 00:31:30.332
Why don't you come over
for dinner this week?

596
00:31:30.333 --> 00:31:31.832
- Hey!
- Put yourself in. Here.

597
00:31:31.833 --> 00:31:33.790
- Okay.
- And I'm Steve, by the way.

598
00:31:33.791 --> 00:31:35.332
- Hi.
- Sorry, my husband, Steve.

599
00:31:35.333 --> 00:31:36.415
Congratulations.

600
00:31:36.416 --> 00:31:37.791
On what?

601
00:31:38.541 --> 00:31:41.166
On being preg... pregnant?

602
00:31:41.875 --> 00:31:44.290
Oh, yeah, I am pregnant.

603
00:31:44.291 --> 00:31:46.541
- Oh...
- Sorry, I...

604
00:31:47.125 --> 00:31:50.416
Pregnant, loving it, but hating it.
Ugh! God.

605
00:31:51.541 --> 00:31:53.415
- Right?
- All right. Well, we'll see you later.

606
00:31:53.416 --> 00:31:54.790
Yeah. Nice to meet you.

607
00:31:54.791 --> 00:31:56.790
Nice to meet you. Bye, little cutie.

608
00:31:56.791 --> 00:31:58.540
Why are you so early?

609
00:31:58.541 --> 00:31:59.582
Was that early?

610
00:31:59.583 --> 00:32:01.333
What the fuck am I doing?

611
00:32:09.791 --> 00:32:11.749
Thanks for coming to this.

612
00:32:11.750 --> 00:32:13.582
Hey, I want to spend time with you.

613
00:32:13.583 --> 00:32:17.791
If that means I'm going to Shirley's
corny gender reveal party, so be it.

614
00:32:19.958 --> 00:32:22.915
So, I was thinking about your baby shower,

615
00:32:22.916 --> 00:32:26.540
and I think we should do, like,
a <i>Real Housewives of New Jersey</i> theme.

616
00:32:26.541 --> 00:32:30.582
- Like, big hair, long nails.
- Yeah?

617
00:32:30.583 --> 00:32:32.332
- Like, really go for it.
- Yeah.

618
00:32:32.333 --> 00:32:36.750
Well, um, it's just going to
have to be a joint baby shower.

619
00:32:37.458 --> 00:32:38.333
Joint with who?

620
00:32:40.958 --> 00:32:44.457
Oh, my God, you're so pretty! Oh, oh...

621
00:32:44.458 --> 00:32:46.540
Sad. Your life.

622
00:32:46.541 --> 00:32:47.499
Okay.

623
00:32:47.500 --> 00:32:48.915
I'm so proud of you.

624
00:32:48.916 --> 00:32:51.874
Wait, come outside.
We are about to do the reveal. Ah, ah!

625
00:32:51.875 --> 00:32:53.915
- So squishy. Okay, come on, guys.
- Okay.

626
00:32:53.916 --> 00:32:56.207
Piñata time! Let's go.

627
00:32:56.208 --> 00:32:58.790
Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

628
00:32:58.791 --> 00:33:01.957
Gather round, mother fingerers,
I want to make a toast.

629
00:33:01.958 --> 00:33:05.749
Well, looks like
I got my baby girl pregnant.

630
00:33:05.750 --> 00:33:08.082
Whoopsie daisy.

631
00:33:08.083 --> 00:33:10.957
Turns out my scrote gravy's
more potent than I thought,

632
00:33:10.958 --> 00:33:13.540
shooting premium gasolina.

633
00:33:13.541 --> 00:33:16.457
This guy's the reason
there's so many lesbians now.

634
00:33:16.458 --> 00:33:18.874
All right, should we fuck up
this baby or what?

635
00:33:18.875 --> 00:33:21.624
Hold on! I want to do a speech.

636
00:33:21.625 --> 00:33:22.832
It's my time, baby.

637
00:33:22.833 --> 00:33:24.332
- Yeah, go ahead.
- I love you.

638
00:33:24.333 --> 00:33:25.707
- I love you.
- I love you.

639
00:33:25.708 --> 00:33:26.874
Aw.

640
00:33:26.875 --> 00:33:29.207
- I'm going to go kill myself.
- No, no, no.

641
00:33:29.208 --> 00:33:32.457
So, we weren't sure if it should be
Rawn or me who whack the piñata

642
00:33:32.458 --> 00:33:34.124
to reveal our baby's gender.

643
00:33:34.125 --> 00:33:37.082
But we have finally decided that the honor

644
00:33:37.083 --> 00:33:40.249
should go to someone who's gone through
some really tough times lately.

645
00:33:40.250 --> 00:33:43.832
So, I thought this might lift
that 200-pound spirit off the ground.

646
00:33:43.833 --> 00:33:46.708
Lainy, get up here and whack this baby!

647
00:33:48.208 --> 00:33:49.582
- Lucky.
- Stop.

648
00:33:49.583 --> 00:33:52.040
Uh, yeah, I'd rather not.

649
00:33:52.041 --> 00:33:53.000
Boo!

650
00:33:54.916 --> 00:33:56.707
Go. Come on.

651
00:33:56.708 --> 00:33:58.790
Okay, got it. Thank you.

652
00:33:58.791 --> 00:34:00.916
- Yeah, give it a whack!
- Okay.

653
00:34:02.458 --> 00:34:05.541
Okay, I really don't understand
why I'm the one doing this.

654
00:34:08.333 --> 00:34:09.625
Fuck the haters.

655
00:34:13.250 --> 00:34:14.916
I'm okay. I'm okay.

656
00:34:16.541 --> 00:34:18.540
- Oh my God!
- She can't swim!

657
00:34:18.541 --> 00:34:20.416
- Shit.
- She can't swim!

658
00:34:21.458 --> 00:34:22.583
Hang on!

659
00:34:23.416 --> 00:34:26.540
It's a girl! It's red inside!

660
00:34:26.541 --> 00:34:30.166
It's blood! That's your blood!

661
00:34:31.041 --> 00:34:32.499
Whoo!

662
00:34:32.500 --> 00:34:33.583
I'm gonna...

663
00:34:34.708 --> 00:34:36.666
- Oh, God.
- Fuck you, Lainy!

664
00:34:50.500 --> 00:34:51.875
<i>She can't swim!</i>

665
00:34:53.250 --> 00:34:54.832
- Lainy, hi.
- Hi.

666
00:34:54.833 --> 00:34:56.832
- Come in.
- Thank you. Thank you.

667
00:34:56.833 --> 00:34:59.249
- Oh my God. It's so nice.
- Oh, thank you.

668
00:34:59.250 --> 00:35:03.125
Yeah. I brought you a book.
I think you'll dig her.

669
00:35:03.708 --> 00:35:05.499
Why are you so sweet?

670
00:35:05.500 --> 00:35:07.040
I'm just a really great person.

671
00:35:07.041 --> 00:35:08.374
Should I take my shoes off or...

672
00:35:08.375 --> 00:35:11.540
Uh, yeah, I mean only if you don't mind
stepping on food.

673
00:35:11.541 --> 00:35:14.291
Our place is so dirty,
it should just be condemned.

674
00:35:16.791 --> 00:35:19.374
Hey, he's got the knives again, Steve!

675
00:35:19.375 --> 00:35:20.291
I'm on it!

676
00:35:24.333 --> 00:35:25.375
Sorry.

677
00:35:26.541 --> 00:35:27.750
Connor!

678
00:35:29.625 --> 00:35:31.708
Connor, come here, buddy!

679
00:35:34.333 --> 00:35:36.040
Connor!

680
00:35:36.041 --> 00:35:37.874
- Oh, you!
- Hi!

681
00:35:37.875 --> 00:35:38.832
He went that way.

682
00:35:38.833 --> 00:35:39.875
- Okay.
- Yeah.

683
00:35:43.000 --> 00:35:45.290
I've had such a day.

684
00:35:45.291 --> 00:35:48.290
And this gives me such bad heartburn,
but I don't even care.

685
00:35:48.291 --> 00:35:50.083
- Thank you.
- Of course.

686
00:35:50.958 --> 00:35:55.875
To treating pregnant women like people
and believing in science.

687
00:35:56.666 --> 00:35:57.665
Hear, hear!

688
00:35:57.666 --> 00:35:59.582
- Cheers.
- Cheers, thank you.

689
00:35:59.583 --> 00:36:02.374
Daddy saves the day. No harm done.

690
00:36:02.375 --> 00:36:03.291
Amazing.

691
00:36:04.000 --> 00:36:06.915
Oh, and I hope you don't mind,
but I invited my brother to dinner.

692
00:36:06.916 --> 00:36:08.499
He just moved into our garage.

693
00:36:08.500 --> 00:36:10.290
You make him sound like a loser.

694
00:36:10.291 --> 00:36:11.915
Well, just temporarily.

695
00:36:11.916 --> 00:36:13.832
Broke up with this horse twat.

696
00:36:13.833 --> 00:36:17.166
Ever since then, he's just, like,
been walking around in sweats.

697
00:36:17.791 --> 00:36:18.999
Pathetic.

698
00:36:19.000 --> 00:36:19.915
Mmm.

699
00:36:19.916 --> 00:36:21.333
You don't drink, Steve?

700
00:36:21.958 --> 00:36:24.457
No. I am in the program.

701
00:36:24.458 --> 00:36:27.082
Yeah, child of an alcoholic right here...

702
00:36:27.083 --> 00:36:28.832
- ...so I get it.
- Oh, no, no.

703
00:36:28.833 --> 00:36:33.165
I'm just a pretty big follower
of Jada's <i>Red Table Talk.</i>

704
00:36:33.166 --> 00:36:34.124
Mmm.

705
00:36:34.125 --> 00:36:37.249
And she thinks
it's harmful for men to drink.

706
00:36:37.250 --> 00:36:39.999
- Great.
- Plus, I'm a really angry drunk.

707
00:36:40.000 --> 00:36:40.999
Like, terrible.

708
00:36:41.000 --> 00:36:43.374
- Steve.
- I don't remember, but it happens.

709
00:36:43.375 --> 00:36:44.333
I do.

710
00:36:45.541 --> 00:36:48.582
Oh. Speak of the queen.
New episode, just dropped.

711
00:36:48.583 --> 00:36:51.041
- Perfect timing.
- See y'all later.

712
00:36:53.000 --> 00:36:55.332
The deadbeat crashing
in your garage is here.

713
00:36:55.333 --> 00:36:56.250
Hi.

714
00:36:56.958 --> 00:36:58.457
Oh, my God, Latte.

715
00:36:58.458 --> 00:36:59.457
What?

716
00:36:59.458 --> 00:37:00.416
Lainy.

717
00:37:01.416 --> 00:37:02.665
Wow.

718
00:37:02.666 --> 00:37:04.207
You guys know each other?

719
00:37:04.208 --> 00:37:07.165
- Yeah, we do. We met a few weeks ago...
- Yeah.

720
00:37:07.166 --> 00:37:08.958
But you didn't seem like you were...

721
00:37:10.750 --> 00:37:11.999
Rockin' a baby?

722
00:37:12.000 --> 00:37:13.250
Yeah, exactly.

723
00:37:13.875 --> 00:37:17.332
Old Navy clothes.
You can hide anything in there, right?

724
00:37:17.333 --> 00:37:18.832
Wow.

725
00:37:18.833 --> 00:37:21.832
- This is nuts.
- Where did you two meet?

726
00:37:21.833 --> 00:37:24.749
A coffee shop.
I feel like I was just buying coffee,

727
00:37:24.750 --> 00:37:27.999
and then he just came up to me
and started talking my ear off.

728
00:37:28.000 --> 00:37:30.249
And usually I wouldn't talk to a stranger,

729
00:37:30.250 --> 00:37:32.332
but it seemed like
he really needed someone.

730
00:37:32.333 --> 00:37:35.540
Yeah, and Lainy got
some kind of pudding milkshake?

731
00:37:35.541 --> 00:37:37.915
Huh. Was it a pudding milk... It was...

732
00:37:37.916 --> 00:37:41.249
I remember there being
a lot more nutrition in it than that, but...

733
00:37:41.250 --> 00:37:43.624
- Should've gotten a double. Yeah.
- I did.

734
00:37:43.625 --> 00:37:45.583
- Oh, you did? Okay.
- I actually did.

735
00:37:47.041 --> 00:37:49.583
So, is your husband here?

736
00:37:50.166 --> 00:37:52.332
I don't have a husband.

737
00:37:52.333 --> 00:37:54.415
Wow. Josh. That's very subtle.

738
00:37:54.416 --> 00:37:56.332
What? I can, you know, ask anything.

739
00:37:56.333 --> 00:37:58.665
It's not like I'm saying,
"Hey, are you single?"

740
00:37:58.666 --> 00:38:00.040
I mean, you're single, though?

741
00:38:00.041 --> 00:38:00.999
- Yeah.
- Yeah.

742
00:38:01.000 --> 00:38:04.082
This is just from, like,
a one-night thing, so...

743
00:38:04.083 --> 00:38:06.165
- Okay. I mean, great.
- Yeah.

744
00:38:06.166 --> 00:38:07.333
On Thanksgiving.

745
00:38:07.916 --> 00:38:08.749
Really?

746
00:38:08.750 --> 00:38:09.832
Wow.

747
00:38:09.833 --> 00:38:12.415
- Yeah.
- People usually stay home on Thanksgiving.

748
00:38:12.416 --> 00:38:13.332
What a rebel.

749
00:38:13.333 --> 00:38:15.790
Yeah. Not me. I get right out there.

750
00:38:15.791 --> 00:38:20.625
I get those sweet Black Friday-eve deals.

751
00:38:21.458 --> 00:38:23.915
You got pregnant at a Black Friday sale?

752
00:38:23.916 --> 00:38:29.500
Yep. Nothing gets me riled up
like a coupon for a Vitamix.

753
00:38:31.291 --> 00:38:32.499
Yeah.

754
00:38:32.500 --> 00:38:36.582
- Anybody want tea? I could go for some.
- Sure.

755
00:38:36.583 --> 00:38:39.207
- Can we make tea?
- No, please. Yeah. Here, I got some.

756
00:38:39.208 --> 00:38:41.375
- I'll have some black tea.
- Oh.

757
00:38:42.000 --> 00:38:44.040
Black tea. Cool guy.

758
00:38:44.041 --> 00:38:46.749
That's me. You know,
throw some honey in my shit.

759
00:38:46.750 --> 00:38:48.790
Did I tell you I'm a tea-cher?

760
00:38:48.791 --> 00:38:50.375
You did not tell me that.

761
00:38:50.958 --> 00:38:51.790
What do you do?

762
00:38:51.791 --> 00:38:55.874
I am the Chief Zamboni Officer
at Wollman Rink.

763
00:38:55.875 --> 00:38:58.082
- Wow. Cool.
- Fire.

764
00:38:58.083 --> 00:39:00.457
Yeah, fire. Or whatever my students say.

765
00:39:00.458 --> 00:39:03.625
- No, no, no. You're on fire!
- Oh my God! I'm on fire!

766
00:39:04.291 --> 00:39:05.500
- Where's my phone?
- Lainy!

767
00:39:06.291 --> 00:39:07.666
Oh, my God! The baby!

768
00:39:08.375 --> 00:39:09.749
She knows about the baby!

769
00:39:09.750 --> 00:39:12.207
- Fuck this.
- No! Steve!

770
00:39:12.208 --> 00:39:14.707
Ten years! Are you kidding me?

771
00:39:14.708 --> 00:39:16.916
Goddammit!

772
00:39:21.291 --> 00:39:23.332
<i>♪ Don't everybody like
The taste of apple pie? ♪</i>

773
00:39:23.333 --> 00:39:26.166
<i>♪ We'll snap for yo' slice of life
I'm tellin' ya why... ♪</i>

774
00:39:27.375 --> 00:39:30.291
Lainy, are you okay in there?
Can I help?

775
00:39:30.916 --> 00:39:31.916
Um...

776
00:39:32.666 --> 00:39:34.415
No, no, no. I'm all good.

777
00:39:34.416 --> 00:39:37.374
It's just a tiny burn.
It's very little. Don't worry about me.

778
00:39:37.375 --> 00:39:38.665
I'm a teacher.

779
00:39:38.666 --> 00:39:41.500
We deal
with this sort of thing all the time.

780
00:39:42.083 --> 00:39:44.290
Kids light themselves on fire?

781
00:39:44.291 --> 00:39:47.874
I'm fine. Okay?
Don't even think about it.

782
00:39:47.875 --> 00:39:50.707
Okay, I'm coming in,
but no touching without permission.

783
00:39:50.708 --> 00:39:52.499
- I promise.
- No, no, no. Hold on.

784
00:39:52.500 --> 00:39:54.374
Give me just one second.

785
00:39:54.375 --> 00:39:56.375
- You watch him.
- Yeah.

786
00:40:00.708 --> 00:40:02.041
Borrowed your robe.

787
00:40:02.833 --> 00:40:04.166
You borrowed Steve's robe.

788
00:40:09.791 --> 00:40:13.665
I'm okay, by the way.
Like, I'm cool to go back out.

789
00:40:13.666 --> 00:40:14.582
No, no, please.

790
00:40:14.583 --> 00:40:17.082
Can we just stay here
for like five more minutes?

791
00:40:17.083 --> 00:40:18.000
Yeah.

792
00:40:18.625 --> 00:40:19.750
Yeah.

793
00:40:23.166 --> 00:40:25.041
It's just all so isolating.

794
00:40:26.416 --> 00:40:27.665
Yeah.

795
00:40:27.666 --> 00:40:29.416
And you haven't even had one yet.

796
00:40:30.208 --> 00:40:31.208
Right.

797
00:40:32.666 --> 00:40:33.916
They don't tell you.

798
00:40:35.333 --> 00:40:38.000
Women don't share what it's like,
what really happens.

799
00:40:39.041 --> 00:40:41.207
- With pregnancy?
- With birth.

800
00:40:41.208 --> 00:40:43.416
Think about it.
How many birth stories do you know?

801
00:40:46.166 --> 00:40:47.707
- None.
- Exactly.

802
00:40:47.708 --> 00:40:50.457
I mean, some will talk about
how many hours they labored for,

803
00:40:50.458 --> 00:40:52.625
but that's it.

804
00:40:53.791 --> 00:40:54.749
Why is that?

805
00:40:54.750 --> 00:40:57.415
Because you go through
this whole thing, this whole trauma,

806
00:40:57.416 --> 00:40:59.832
and then just, bam,
right away, you're a mom.

807
00:40:59.833 --> 00:41:03.290
No time to process what's just happened
or what's about to happen.

808
00:41:03.291 --> 00:41:04.291
Right.

809
00:41:06.666 --> 00:41:08.625
Did you have trauma with Connor?

810
00:41:09.250 --> 00:41:12.040
It was actually after he came out.

811
00:41:12.041 --> 00:41:13.665
Everything went awry.

812
00:41:13.666 --> 00:41:15.833
I started bleeding out a lot, and...

813
00:41:16.791 --> 00:41:18.040
Um...

814
00:41:18.041 --> 00:41:21.790
He was on my chest,
so I was actually in heaven.

815
00:41:21.791 --> 00:41:23.000
I was so fine.

816
00:41:23.625 --> 00:41:27.040
But what was happening wasn't okay.
I was just losing a lot of blood.

817
00:41:27.041 --> 00:41:29.833
And it was the first time
I saw Steve scared.

818
00:41:30.625 --> 00:41:33.000
Did you think
you were going to, like, die?

819
00:41:34.291 --> 00:41:35.208
Maybe.

820
00:41:41.541 --> 00:41:42.833
God.

821
00:41:43.541 --> 00:41:44.958
Did I just scare you?

822
00:41:47.041 --> 00:41:48.207
No.

823
00:41:48.208 --> 00:41:49.583
Can't wait.

824
00:41:52.791 --> 00:41:55.708
Did your mom talk to you about your birth?

825
00:41:57.916 --> 00:42:00.457
My mom died when I was like six, so...

826
00:42:00.458 --> 00:42:01.915
I'm sorry, Lainy.

827
00:42:01.916 --> 00:42:03.208
It's okay.

828
00:42:03.875 --> 00:42:06.541
God, it's so nice to talk
to someone real.

829
00:42:10.791 --> 00:42:13.458
Meg, I have to tell you something.

830
00:42:14.000 --> 00:42:17.457
I get it. We want to be pregnant so badly,

831
00:42:17.458 --> 00:42:19.790
and then we finally are,
and it's out of our control.

832
00:42:19.791 --> 00:42:20.832
It's scary.

833
00:42:20.833 --> 00:42:23.958
My postpartum was so bad with Connor,
I didn't think I'd make it.

834
00:42:25.333 --> 00:42:27.957
It's not that. I, um--

835
00:42:27.958 --> 00:42:31.875
But to see you doing it,
and how brave you are...

836
00:42:33.250 --> 00:42:34.583
you give me strength.

837
00:42:36.833 --> 00:42:40.332
Can you smell that?
It's like burnt plastic or something.

838
00:42:40.333 --> 00:42:41.541
No.

839
00:42:42.416 --> 00:42:44.624
So I gave him my number. Maybe he calls.

840
00:42:44.625 --> 00:42:48.000
I have no idea
what I'm even hoping for at this point.

841
00:42:50.250 --> 00:42:51.249
You know what I'm hoping?

842
00:42:51.250 --> 00:42:53.582
I'm hoping that you get
the psychological help

843
00:42:53.583 --> 00:42:55.207
that you so desperately need.

844
00:42:55.208 --> 00:42:57.957
Because you need help.
You need not a little help.

845
00:42:57.958 --> 00:43:00.082
You need a paramedic.

846
00:43:00.083 --> 00:43:02.915
You need an ICU nurse. You need a doctor.

847
00:43:02.916 --> 00:43:04.249
You need a psychologist.

848
00:43:04.250 --> 00:43:06.999
You need a dentist
and a proctologist to work together

849
00:43:07.000 --> 00:43:08.749
and meet each other in the middle

850
00:43:08.750 --> 00:43:11.624
near your foam belly
and sort all of that shit out

851
00:43:11.625 --> 00:43:13.540
and, boom, pull it out!

852
00:43:13.541 --> 00:43:17.040
How dare you walk around
with that fake fucking belly!

853
00:43:17.041 --> 00:43:18.790
Can you keep it down?

854
00:43:18.791 --> 00:43:21.457 line:5%
I could. But I won't.

855
00:43:21.458 --> 00:43:24.040
You don't just wake up one morning

856
00:43:24.041 --> 00:43:27.499
and strap it on and now all of a sudden
you're all fabulous and pregnant.

857
00:43:27.500 --> 00:43:28.874
That's not how it works.

858
00:43:28.875 --> 00:43:32.375
Honestly, what's going to happen
if someone you know catches you with this?

859
00:43:33.708 --> 00:43:36.040
What am I going to do?

860
00:43:36.041 --> 00:43:37.790
You'll have a little miscarriage.

861
00:43:37.791 --> 00:43:40.457
Oh my God. Little Susan.

862
00:43:40.458 --> 00:43:44.124
You had all of the names in the world

863
00:43:44.125 --> 00:43:46.499
and that's what you landed on
for your fake baby?

864
00:43:46.500 --> 00:43:47.874
Why am I listening to you?

865
00:43:47.875 --> 00:43:50.582
You have three
active restraining orders against you.

866
00:43:50.583 --> 00:43:54.040
Which says to me
there are three people out there

867
00:43:54.041 --> 00:43:58.415
who sees my passion,
who knows that I'm a go-getter.

868
00:43:58.416 --> 00:43:59.499
Not you.

869
00:43:59.500 --> 00:44:02.290
"I gave my number to someone,
I hope they call."

870
00:44:02.291 --> 00:44:03.415
Do I do that?

871
00:44:03.416 --> 00:44:05.457
Fuck no! I show up at their work.

872
00:44:05.458 --> 00:44:08.207
I show up at their house.
I show up at their mother's house.

873
00:44:08.208 --> 00:44:10.624
I'm fucking everywhere. And that is why--

874
00:44:10.625 --> 00:44:13.665
Okay, well thank you so much
for this very helpful feedback.

875
00:44:13.666 --> 00:44:14.916
You're welcome.

876
00:44:16.250 --> 00:44:17.833
Logan, get in here.

877
00:44:20.458 --> 00:44:21.791
Results are back.

878
00:44:23.041 --> 00:44:24.332
As predicted,

879
00:44:24.333 --> 00:44:25.582
you're stupid.

880
00:44:25.583 --> 00:44:27.749
Thanks for shopping with me.

881
00:44:27.750 --> 00:44:29.999
Mark does not give one shit
about this baby.

882
00:44:30.000 --> 00:44:30.999
He does.

883
00:44:31.000 --> 00:44:33.082
No, I don't even think
he knows the due date.

884
00:44:33.083 --> 00:44:34.749
I'm sure he knows the due date.

885
00:44:34.750 --> 00:44:36.333
Mark, what's the due date?

886
00:44:36.958 --> 00:44:38.165
I'm not hungry, babe.

887
00:44:38.166 --> 00:44:39.582
- Exactly.
- He's probably--

888
00:44:39.583 --> 00:44:41.875
Exactly.
Let's check out the baby monitors.

889
00:44:42.666 --> 00:44:44.665
Why is all this shit in black and white?

890
00:44:44.666 --> 00:44:47.665
I don't want the nursery
to look like Tim Burton decorated it.

891
00:44:47.666 --> 00:44:50.915
Well, babies can only see black and white
in the first couple months.

892
00:44:50.916 --> 00:44:52.207
- Really?
- You didn't know that?

893
00:44:52.208 --> 00:44:53.290
Where did you hear that?

894
00:44:53.291 --> 00:44:54.874
Precious Little Strangers.

895
00:44:54.875 --> 00:44:57.124
Precious Little... What is that? What?

896
00:44:57.125 --> 00:44:58.665
It's an Instagram account.

897
00:44:58.666 --> 00:45:01.040
You should be following it.
I'm surprised you're not.

898
00:45:01.041 --> 00:45:02.875
Like every pregnant woman follows it.

899
00:45:03.500 --> 00:45:05.790
Okay, not every pregnant woman.

900
00:45:05.791 --> 00:45:08.707
Are you okay?
You, like, don't seem excited.

901
00:45:08.708 --> 00:45:11.790
Well, why are you reading
all this pregnancy stuff anyway?

902
00:45:11.791 --> 00:45:14.833
Because I'm... I want you to see how...

903
00:45:15.458 --> 00:45:17.583
Like, so I know what you're going through.

904
00:45:19.125 --> 00:45:21.290
- Well, that's nice.
- Yeah.

905
00:45:21.291 --> 00:45:22.540
- I'm sorry.
- It's okay.

906
00:45:22.541 --> 00:45:24.249
It's probably just my hormones.

907
00:45:24.250 --> 00:45:25.290
Hi.

908
00:45:25.291 --> 00:45:26.915
No baby?

909
00:45:26.916 --> 00:45:30.332
Way to pour salt on the wound, kid.
He doesn't know what he's saying.

910
00:45:30.333 --> 00:45:31.582
Why no baby?

911
00:45:31.583 --> 00:45:35.124
Not everyone has a baby.
Okay, kid, move along, please.

912
00:45:35.125 --> 00:45:37.374
Me hurt baby?

913
00:45:37.375 --> 00:45:39.790
What a little psycho.

914
00:45:39.791 --> 00:45:41.415
- Yeah, okay. Let's go.
- Connor!

915
00:45:41.416 --> 00:45:42.707
No, that sounds like his mom.

916
00:45:42.708 --> 00:45:44.874
- We should--
- No. He needs to find his own way.

917
00:45:44.875 --> 00:45:48.000
- It's the only chance he'll learn.
- Stop! We've got to find his parents.

918
00:45:50.125 --> 00:45:52.332
- Are you hiding?
- I'm relaxing.

919
00:45:52.333 --> 00:45:54.125
What are you hiding from?

920
00:45:55.250 --> 00:45:57.458
Where did you go?
Connor, come back here!

921
00:45:59.166 --> 00:46:01.458
Connor? Come back here, please!

922
00:46:04.625 --> 00:46:05.708
Balls.

923
00:46:06.583 --> 00:46:07.916
Connor!

924
00:46:13.291 --> 00:46:14.832
Oh, there you are.

925
00:46:14.833 --> 00:46:18.750
Don't run away like that again, okay?
Ever, ever, ever. Come here.

926
00:46:20.041 --> 00:46:20.875
Lainy!

927
00:46:27.833 --> 00:46:29.165
Hey.

928
00:46:29.166 --> 00:46:30.957
Steve, what the hell?

929
00:46:30.958 --> 00:46:34.332
It's called an empathy bump, all right?

930
00:46:34.333 --> 00:46:36.416
So that I can feel your pain.

931
00:46:37.125 --> 00:46:40.207
And, babe, I've got to say,
really not that bad.

932
00:46:40.208 --> 00:46:42.166
- Get the Mazda.
- Yeah.

933
00:46:43.583 --> 00:46:44.791
Let's go.

934
00:46:45.916 --> 00:46:46.832
Where's Lainy?

935
00:46:46.833 --> 00:46:49.333
I don't know. She just disappeared.

936
00:46:49.916 --> 00:46:51.915
I'm really worried about her, you know?

937
00:46:51.916 --> 00:46:54.332
No. You need to worry
about yourself, okay?

938
00:46:54.333 --> 00:46:56.625
Lainy is a self-sabotager.

939
00:46:57.250 --> 00:46:58.332
Ugh.

940
00:46:58.333 --> 00:47:00.541
I can tell you just learned that phrase.

941
00:47:01.375 --> 00:47:04.416
No... What gave it away?

942
00:47:15.125 --> 00:47:17.249
- Hello?
- <i>Hey, Lainy, it's Josh.</i>

943
00:47:17.250 --> 00:47:19.582
I hope I didn't catch you at a bad time.

944
00:47:19.583 --> 00:47:26.208
No, no. I was just, um,
reading to, uh, sick animals.

945
00:47:26.875 --> 00:47:28.874
Oh. That's nice.

946
00:47:28.875 --> 00:47:32.000
Look, I just wanted to see if you
wanted to come by the rink this week.

947
00:47:33.875 --> 00:47:36.082
Oh, gosh, let me check my schedule.

948
00:47:36.083 --> 00:47:39.582
I'm so busy. Oh!
Looks like I'm free. I'll be there.

949
00:47:39.583 --> 00:47:41.832
Okay, well, how about tomorrow?

950
00:47:41.833 --> 00:47:42.999
That'd be great.

951
00:47:43.000 --> 00:47:45.790
Okay, awesome.
I guess I'll see you tomorrow.

952
00:47:45.791 --> 00:47:47.125
See you there.

953
00:47:49.875 --> 00:47:52.083
Things are looking up.

954
00:48:05.583 --> 00:48:08.999
God, this feels so good.
I haven't done this since I was a teen.

955
00:48:09.000 --> 00:48:10.291
It never gets old.

956
00:48:10.875 --> 00:48:12.750
It's the best job in the world.

957
00:48:15.791 --> 00:48:18.582
<i>♪ She don't trust weathermen
Holidays, born-agains ♪</i>

958
00:48:18.583 --> 00:48:20.499
<i>♪ Anything that models peace ♪</i>

959
00:48:20.500 --> 00:48:23.665
I just loved books.
I know it's corny, but, like,

960
00:48:23.666 --> 00:48:26.290
they changed my life. And poetry.

961
00:48:26.291 --> 00:48:28.916
- Who's your favorite?
- Anne Sexton.

962
00:48:31.375 --> 00:48:32.624
<i>Ever hear of her?</i>

963
00:48:32.625 --> 00:48:35.249
Who hasn't heard of Anne Sexton? You know?

964
00:48:35.250 --> 00:48:36.207
You?

965
00:48:36.208 --> 00:48:38.749
Yes, me is one of those people.

966
00:48:38.750 --> 00:48:41.166
Am I better on the ice
than you thought I was gonna be?

967
00:48:42.166 --> 00:48:43.083
Fuck!

968
00:48:44.333 --> 00:48:45.624
- You okay?
- Yeah.

969
00:48:45.625 --> 00:48:47.083
- What if you just kinda like...
- Oh!

970
00:48:48.500 --> 00:48:51.415
All right, team...

971
00:48:51.416 --> 00:48:53.332
- Sorry, I'm a little...
- Nice job!

972
00:48:53.333 --> 00:48:55.290
<i>♪ Take her out dancing ♪</i>

973
00:48:55.291 --> 00:48:59.249
<i>♪ Mister, you're missing it still ♪</i>

974
00:48:59.250 --> 00:49:00.416
Oh my God!

975
00:49:02.541 --> 00:49:04.541
You know how to do anything cool, though?

976
00:49:08.416 --> 00:49:09.582
<i>♪ I don't know how to act ♪</i>

977
00:49:09.583 --> 00:49:12.582
<i>♪ Slow motion for me, slow motion for me ♪</i>

978
00:49:12.583 --> 00:49:15.333
<i>♪ Slow motion for me
Move in slow motion for me ♪</i>

979
00:49:18.083 --> 00:49:20.583
How'd you know you were ready to be a mom?

980
00:49:22.916 --> 00:49:24.000
Oh...

981
00:49:25.208 --> 00:49:26.208
I mean...

982
00:49:26.958 --> 00:49:28.166
Everyone wants that.

983
00:49:28.916 --> 00:49:29.916
You wanna...

984
00:49:31.333 --> 00:49:32.750
get married and have a baby.

985
00:49:33.375 --> 00:49:34.708
Why shouldn't I want that?

986
00:49:35.291 --> 00:49:36.374
No, I mean, I know...

987
00:49:36.375 --> 00:49:39.290
I knew I wanted kids
at a weirdly young age.

988
00:49:39.291 --> 00:49:40.791
That's amazing. I...

989
00:49:42.375 --> 00:49:44.624
You're so lucky you have your sister.

990
00:49:44.625 --> 00:49:46.915
- I don't have siblings.
- Yeah.

991
00:49:46.916 --> 00:49:49.957
I, you know, I don't have family,
so I don't wanna be alone.

992
00:49:49.958 --> 00:49:52.791
I've always known I want a family.

993
00:49:54.208 --> 00:49:57.333
I'm just getting a little worried that
that's not in the cards for me.

994
00:49:58.500 --> 00:49:59.333
What?

995
00:50:00.458 --> 00:50:03.290
I mean, not the baby.
Like, I'm having a baby.

996
00:50:03.291 --> 00:50:06.582
Yeah, no, you know,
the partner stuff. Yeah.

997
00:50:06.583 --> 00:50:09.166
It'll happen. You know what they say.

998
00:50:09.958 --> 00:50:11.708
Kiss a lot of turds, right?

999
00:50:13.125 --> 00:50:14.041
No.

1000
00:50:14.541 --> 00:50:16.875
No one says that. It's toads.

1001
00:50:17.375 --> 00:50:19.415
Like "The early turd gets the worm."

1002
00:50:19.416 --> 00:50:22.291
No, it's bird.
"Early bird gets the worm."

1003
00:50:24.583 --> 00:50:25.749
It is bird.

1004
00:50:25.750 --> 00:50:28.458
But it is "kiss a lot of turds" for sure.

1005
00:50:31.041 --> 00:50:31.958
Oh, man.

1006
00:50:32.791 --> 00:50:35.499
See that guy
messing up the ice with his skates?

1007
00:50:35.500 --> 00:50:36.916
He's doing it on purpose.

1008
00:50:37.541 --> 00:50:40.915
Hey! Stop fucking up the ice,
you piece of shit!

1009
00:50:40.916 --> 00:50:43.125
We could have you killed in minutes!

1010
00:50:46.166 --> 00:50:48.499
Do you guys have
any hot chocolate around here?

1011
00:50:48.500 --> 00:50:49.416
Yeah.

1012
00:50:50.791 --> 00:50:52.457
You gotta be shitting me.

1013
00:50:52.458 --> 00:50:55.166
We should Photoshop
some dicks into their mouths.

1014
00:50:58.458 --> 00:51:01.790
I was coming over to ask
if you thought it was over the top.

1015
00:51:01.791 --> 00:51:03.332
I guess I have my answer.

1016
00:51:03.333 --> 00:51:06.541
No, I mean, I love it. I love it.
I think it's quite provocative.

1017
00:51:07.541 --> 00:51:09.624
I'll give you boys some privacy.

1018
00:51:09.625 --> 00:51:13.832
Um, I'm sorry. I was, like, just trying
to make crazy-ass Fallon laugh.

1019
00:51:13.833 --> 00:51:14.832
Yeah.

1020
00:51:14.833 --> 00:51:18.499
We were just being funny.
It's not like we're taking that seriously.

1021
00:51:18.500 --> 00:51:19.790
- Yeah, it's ironic.
- Yeah.

1022
00:51:19.791 --> 00:51:22.500
It's, yeah, so, yeah. Sorry.

1023
00:51:23.250 --> 00:51:25.457
I have to talk to you about something, so...

1024
00:51:25.458 --> 00:51:28.457
Okay. Is it that you're in love with me?

1025
00:51:28.458 --> 00:51:29.707
Because I already knew.

1026
00:51:29.708 --> 00:51:32.915
No, no, no. No, I just...

1027
00:51:32.916 --> 00:51:34.124
You're scaring me.

1028
00:51:34.125 --> 00:51:35.916
You can't be in the delivery room.

1029
00:51:37.416 --> 00:51:40.915
What do you mean?
Why wouldn't I be able to be in there?

1030
00:51:40.916 --> 00:51:43.082
If you say Shirley's
going to be in there with you...

1031
00:51:43.083 --> 00:51:44.665
- ...I'm going to murder someone.
- No.

1032
00:51:44.666 --> 00:51:46.749
She is not going to be in the room, okay?

1033
00:51:46.750 --> 00:51:49.290
But she did surprise me
and she got a doula,

1034
00:51:49.291 --> 00:51:51.915
and there can only be two people
in the room, so...

1035
00:51:51.916 --> 00:51:56.833
So you're choosing Mark
and some placenta-sniffing midwife

1036
00:51:57.458 --> 00:52:00.165
over your best friend
who you've known your whole life?

1037
00:52:00.166 --> 00:52:02.290
You know what?
Can we just be honest for once?

1038
00:52:02.291 --> 00:52:03.832
Okay, I'm ready to be honest.

1039
00:52:03.833 --> 00:52:05.790
- That sounds nice.
- Great. Let's do it.

1040
00:52:05.791 --> 00:52:07.374
You're pissed because I'm pregnant.

1041
00:52:07.375 --> 00:52:11.165
No, I'm not. That's so insane
that you would think that.

1042
00:52:11.166 --> 00:52:12.582
I'm so happy for you.

1043
00:52:12.583 --> 00:52:15.374
I've been going everywhere with you,

1044
00:52:15.375 --> 00:52:18.540
showing you how happy I am
about this pregnancy.

1045
00:52:18.541 --> 00:52:20.665
Yeah, you seem real happy, Lainy.

1046
00:52:20.666 --> 00:52:21.999
Look, I'm just mad

1047
00:52:22.000 --> 00:52:26.207
because you're being
a stupid, tit-faced jerk butt.

1048
00:52:26.208 --> 00:52:29.415
Oh, it is you, my friend,
that has the face of a tit.

1049
00:52:29.416 --> 00:52:31.332
- Really? Me?
- That's what you are.

1050
00:52:31.333 --> 00:52:33.415
All right.
Can you two bitches calm down?

1051
00:52:33.416 --> 00:52:36.207
You can't even come up with
proper fucking swear words.

1052
00:52:36.208 --> 00:52:38.082
I love you both equally, all right?

1053
00:52:38.083 --> 00:52:39.457
Okay. Forget this.

1054
00:52:39.458 --> 00:52:41.040
Oh, fuck her.

1055
00:52:41.041 --> 00:52:44.207
Ms. Newton, I found this on the bleachers.

1056
00:52:44.208 --> 00:52:46.250
Oh! Um...

1057
00:52:46.875 --> 00:52:48.165
Oh.

1058
00:52:48.166 --> 00:52:50.874
You did the right thing to bring it to me.
Thank you.

1059
00:52:50.875 --> 00:52:53.458
You don't have to tell anyone about this.
I'll handle it.

1060
00:52:54.333 --> 00:52:55.625
Score.

1061
00:53:00.666 --> 00:53:03.457
So, wait, you were saying, okay,
so then you dated...

1062
00:53:03.458 --> 00:53:06.750
I dated an ice cream scooper
at Casey's Scoops.

1063
00:53:07.541 --> 00:53:10.624
But then I realized I was just, like,
in it for the ice cream...

1064
00:53:10.625 --> 00:53:12.665
...and that's just not enough.

1065
00:53:12.666 --> 00:53:14.874
- No.
- You gotta have chemistry, too, right?

1066
00:53:14.875 --> 00:53:17.665
You can also just have ice cream
and not date the scooper.

1067
00:53:17.666 --> 00:53:19.582
I figured that out.
I figured it out too late.

1068
00:53:19.583 --> 00:53:21.124
Ever dated a pregnant woman?

1069
00:53:21.125 --> 00:53:23.540
You're the least pregnant person
I've ever dated.

1070
00:53:23.541 --> 00:53:25.124
Wow. You wait till they're crowning.

1071
00:53:25.125 --> 00:53:27.916
I want them to be, like,
two weeks away from dropping.

1072
00:53:28.875 --> 00:53:30.666
So are we dating?

1073
00:53:31.708 --> 00:53:35.832
No. I don't know.
I mean, I'm seeing a lot of other people.

1074
00:53:35.833 --> 00:53:36.874
- Okay.
- Yeah.

1075
00:53:36.875 --> 00:53:39.915
- I'm sorry you're in the friend zone.
- The friend zone.

1076
00:53:39.916 --> 00:53:42.874
I thought you were gay until, like,
five minutes ago.

1077
00:53:42.875 --> 00:53:45.833
We can always just
joke around if you want.

1078
00:53:47.375 --> 00:53:49.040
I don't always joke around.

1079
00:53:49.041 --> 00:53:52.041
Okay, no, I'm... you know.

1080
00:53:54.916 --> 00:53:58.875
<i>My nerves are turned on</i>

1081
00:53:59.583 --> 00:54:03.583
<i>I hear them like musical instruments</i>

1082
00:54:04.708 --> 00:54:06.333
<i>Where there was silence...</i>

1083
00:54:07.625 --> 00:54:08.625
<i>The drums...</i>

1084
00:54:10.916 --> 00:54:14.000
<i>The strings are incurably playing</i>

1085
00:54:15.291 --> 00:54:16.458
<i>You did this</i>

1086
00:54:17.500 --> 00:54:19.624
<i>Pure genius at work</i>

1087
00:54:19.625 --> 00:54:22.958
<i>Darling, the composer
Has stepped into fire</i>

1088
00:54:25.708 --> 00:54:26.916
Anne Sexton.

1089
00:54:28.583 --> 00:54:29.708
What's it called?

1090
00:54:31.708 --> 00:54:33.000
"The Kiss."

1091
00:54:44.708 --> 00:54:45.707
Oh, sorry.

1092
00:54:45.708 --> 00:54:47.207
- No, I'm sorry.
- No.

1093
00:54:47.208 --> 00:54:48.624
- I'm fine. It's fine.
- It's okay.

1094
00:54:48.625 --> 00:54:51.582
No, I'm just a little self-conscious
about my body right now...

1095
00:54:51.583 --> 00:54:52.915
Oh, yeah.

1096
00:54:52.916 --> 00:54:55.041
You know, I... Sorry.

1097
00:54:58.375 --> 00:54:59.333
You want to dance?

1098
00:55:00.375 --> 00:55:01.291
Yes.

1099
00:55:41.875 --> 00:55:42.708
<i>♪ Anyone ♪</i>

1100
00:55:45.791 --> 00:55:46.708
<i>♪ Anyone ♪</i>

1101
00:55:48.875 --> 00:55:51.708
<i>♪ You can blame me ♪</i>

1102
00:55:52.666 --> 00:55:55.333
<i>♪ Try to shame me ♪</i>

1103
00:55:55.916 --> 00:56:00.250
<i>♪ And still I'll care for you ♪</i>

1104
00:56:04.500 --> 00:56:06.250
<i>♪ You can run around ♪</i>

1105
00:56:07.833 --> 00:56:09.833
- Want to take a break?
- Sure.

1106
00:56:10.833 --> 00:56:12.040
Whoa.

1107
00:56:12.041 --> 00:56:14.040
- Dave.
- Lainy.

1108
00:56:14.041 --> 00:56:17.750
What are you doing here?
I didn't know you liked, um...

1109
00:56:18.500 --> 00:56:20.915
- Drinking on a boat?
- Yeah, that's crazy.

1110
00:56:20.916 --> 00:56:23.625
What the fuck is that?

1111
00:56:25.625 --> 00:56:27.499
Um, I may have gained some weight.

1112
00:56:27.500 --> 00:56:30.499
What? What is going on? What did you do?

1113
00:56:30.500 --> 00:56:33.333
- What did I do?
- I thought you were on birth control!

1114
00:56:33.958 --> 00:56:35.708
How could you do this to me?

1115
00:56:37.041 --> 00:56:40.332
You're such an asshole.
And don't worry because it's not yours.

1116
00:56:40.333 --> 00:56:42.749
Wait, so... When did you even--

1117
00:56:42.750 --> 00:56:44.000
Thanksgiving.

1118
00:56:44.541 --> 00:56:47.040
- We were at my parents' house in Vermont.
- Mm-hmm.

1119
00:56:47.041 --> 00:56:50.540
- We were together the whole time.
- No, obviously not.

1120
00:56:50.541 --> 00:56:52.083
Not when you were, uh...

1121
00:56:54.375 --> 00:56:56.291
- Asleep?
- Bingo.

1122
00:56:56.875 --> 00:57:01.290
When you were asleep,
I went to Black Friday sales.

1123
00:57:01.291 --> 00:57:04.749
And... fucked somebody at a Brookstone?

1124
00:57:04.750 --> 00:57:05.875
Costco.

1125
00:57:06.458 --> 00:57:08.165
Because they have the best deals

1126
00:57:08.166 --> 00:57:10.333
and the best dick.

1127
00:57:11.750 --> 00:57:13.540
And I don't even know
what you're looking at.

1128
00:57:13.541 --> 00:57:14.624
What do you even do?

1129
00:57:14.625 --> 00:57:16.165
I'm a scientist.

1130
00:57:16.166 --> 00:57:18.500
That's not a real job.
What do all of you do?

1131
00:57:19.083 --> 00:57:20.875
We're all scientists.

1132
00:57:22.208 --> 00:57:24.999
I've moved on.
And I suggest you do the same.

1133
00:57:25.000 --> 00:57:26.416
Excuse me.

1134
00:57:27.000 --> 00:57:31.208
Someone actually beautiful
is coming through. Me.

1135
00:57:39.125 --> 00:57:40.375
Surprise!

1136
00:57:41.041 --> 00:57:42.665
- Meg!
- Lainy.

1137
00:57:42.666 --> 00:57:43.915
Hey!

1138
00:57:43.916 --> 00:57:45.582
Oh my God, Lainy.

1139
00:57:45.583 --> 00:57:47.000
Your room is so cute.

1140
00:57:47.583 --> 00:57:49.083
It's so sweet.

1141
00:57:50.083 --> 00:57:52.499
Thank you! That is so nice.

1142
00:57:52.500 --> 00:57:53.791
Oh, I love it.

1143
00:57:54.750 --> 00:57:59.082
What are you doing here
in my... belly of the woods?

1144
00:57:59.083 --> 00:58:02.124
A prenatal depression workshop's nearby
that's supposed to be amazing.

1145
00:58:02.125 --> 00:58:03.666
So I thought I'd come surprise you.

1146
00:58:04.250 --> 00:58:06.332
Oh, cool. I don't have that.

1147
00:58:06.333 --> 00:58:07.291
Oh.

1148
00:58:07.916 --> 00:58:09.540
Okay, well, I do.

1149
00:58:09.541 --> 00:58:11.833
You're gonna make me
face these chicks alone?

1150
00:58:13.083 --> 00:58:14.083
No.

1151
00:58:14.750 --> 00:58:16.750
I wouldn't do that to a friend. I'm in.

1152
00:58:19.208 --> 00:58:22.332
- It's supposed to be very therapeutic.
- Okay, great.

1153
00:58:22.333 --> 00:58:24.165
- We'll just give it a go.
- Let's do it.

1154
00:58:24.166 --> 00:58:26.374
- My God, you really popped this week.
- Didn't I?

1155
00:58:26.375 --> 00:58:28.250
Yeah. It just kind of hits.

1156
00:58:33.958 --> 00:58:36.874
I didn't know so many women
got depressed during pregnancy.

1157
00:58:36.875 --> 00:58:40.583
Yeah. Because we're so ashamed
for not just bubbling over with gratitude.

1158
00:58:41.166 --> 00:58:43.957
Excuse me,
legitimate pregnant lady coming through.

1159
00:58:43.958 --> 00:58:44.958
Six weeks.

1160
00:58:45.833 --> 00:58:47.957
Nice boobs. I can say that. I've got them.

1161
00:58:47.958 --> 00:58:51.250
I've got them too.
It's not offensive if you have them.

1162
00:58:52.833 --> 00:58:54.249
What the hell are you doing here?

1163
00:58:54.250 --> 00:58:57.040
Oh, I see.
Good enough for thee, but not for me.

1164
00:58:57.041 --> 00:58:58.540
You're a pregnancy tourist.

1165
00:58:58.541 --> 00:59:00.749
- You shouldn't be here.
- You shouldn't be here.

1166
00:59:00.750 --> 00:59:02.249
- You shouldn't.
- You shouldn't.

1167
00:59:02.250 --> 00:59:03.458
Get...

1168
00:59:04.000 --> 00:59:05.707
Don't punch my baby!

1169
00:59:05.708 --> 00:59:06.916
Hello, ladies.

1170
00:59:07.500 --> 00:59:08.749
How are you guys doing?

1171
00:59:08.750 --> 00:59:10.374
Good.

1172
00:59:10.375 --> 00:59:11.458
Bullshit!

1173
00:59:12.583 --> 00:59:14.749
You don't have to lie in here, sisters.

1174
00:59:14.750 --> 00:59:16.499
This is a place of truth.

1175
00:59:16.500 --> 00:59:19.583
How do you really feel
during your pregnancies?

1176
00:59:20.708 --> 00:59:21.708
Tell me.

1177
00:59:22.458 --> 00:59:23.500
Come on.

1178
00:59:24.333 --> 00:59:25.415
I'm angry.

1179
00:59:25.416 --> 00:59:27.750
I ate a cupcake
out of the trash can last night.

1180
00:59:28.416 --> 00:59:30.665
My nipples are so dry!

1181
00:59:30.666 --> 00:59:31.875
Yes!

1182
00:59:33.083 --> 00:59:33.957
Thank you.

1183
00:59:33.958 --> 00:59:34.915
I know.

1184
00:59:34.916 --> 00:59:36.458
I've got a hairy butthole.

1185
00:59:37.250 --> 00:59:38.457
What the hell are you doing?

1186
00:59:38.458 --> 00:59:40.416
- I've got a hairy butthole.
- Shut up.

1187
00:59:47.000 --> 00:59:50.290
All right, ladies.
We are going to take a quick pee break,

1188
00:59:50.291 --> 00:59:52.499
which we'll be doing every three minutes.

1189
00:59:52.500 --> 00:59:55.290
And if you're the one woman
who can still shit while she's pregnant,

1190
00:59:55.291 --> 00:59:56.875
good for you. Now is your chance.

1191
00:59:57.500 --> 00:59:59.915
- Thank you so much. This is great.
- Of course.

1192
00:59:59.916 --> 01:00:02.250
Get it out. She's amazing.

1193
01:00:02.791 --> 01:00:04.707
Oh, shit. My sitter just bailed.

1194
01:00:04.708 --> 01:00:07.000
Oh, sorry. That sucks.

1195
01:00:07.750 --> 01:00:10.166
Would you mind
watching Connor tomorrow night?

1196
01:00:10.750 --> 01:00:12.499
I don't know.

1197
01:00:12.500 --> 01:00:14.332
Please. It's Steve's birthday.

1198
01:00:14.333 --> 01:00:17.750
Josh has a hockey game he has to work,
and I don't have anybody else to ask.

1199
01:00:18.666 --> 01:00:20.250
It's kind of nice to be needed.

1200
01:00:21.291 --> 01:00:22.374
Yeah, of course.

1201
01:00:22.375 --> 01:00:23.958
We love having you over.

1202
01:00:24.625 --> 01:00:25.916
Josh especially.

1203
01:00:27.125 --> 01:00:29.457
- Really?
- Oh, cool. She's also bailing tonight.

1204
01:00:29.458 --> 01:00:30.541
Okay, I got to go.

1205
01:00:31.083 --> 01:00:34.332
<i>♪ Got a ticket for the city that's fire ♪</i>

1206
01:00:34.333 --> 01:00:37.750
<i>♪ Tech 9 for the side that'll fight ya ♪</i>

1207
01:00:38.750 --> 01:00:39.875
Thanks.

1208
01:00:41.125 --> 01:00:44.125
<i>♪ Put your picket down come on and riot ♪</i>

1209
01:00:48.000 --> 01:00:49.208
Fuck you.

1210
01:00:51.500 --> 01:00:53.125
Hmm.

1211
01:00:55.583 --> 01:00:57.124
- Hi!
- Hi!

1212
01:00:57.125 --> 01:01:00.165
Thank you so much.
You are a lifesaver.

1213
01:01:00.166 --> 01:01:02.457
My pleasure. You look beautiful.

1214
01:01:02.458 --> 01:01:03.999
- Thank you. I showered.
- Yeah.

1215
01:01:04.000 --> 01:01:05.416
Hey, Connor, off the couch.

1216
01:01:06.166 --> 01:01:08.749
Oh, hey. Uh, guess who we're going to see?

1217
01:01:08.750 --> 01:01:09.665
Wow.

1218
01:01:09.666 --> 01:01:12.124
- Hey, I might shave my head. Why not?
- Do it.

1219
01:01:12.125 --> 01:01:14.332
- Please don't do that.
- Okay, well, have fun.

1220
01:01:14.333 --> 01:01:15.707
- Thank you so much.
- Go.

1221
01:01:15.708 --> 01:01:17.624
I still want to throw you that shower.

1222
01:01:17.625 --> 01:01:19.290
Okay, no, but go have a good time.

1223
01:01:19.291 --> 01:01:21.124
- We're fine. We got it.
- Thank you. Bye.

1224
01:01:21.125 --> 01:01:22.375
All right. Bye.

1225
01:01:25.750 --> 01:01:27.083
Hi.

1226
01:01:29.041 --> 01:01:29.999
Hi.

1227
01:01:30.000 --> 01:01:31.290
Oh, yeah!

1228
01:01:31.291 --> 01:01:32.499
Do you want this?

1229
01:01:32.500 --> 01:01:34.583
But, yeah, I thought we were going to...

1230
01:01:36.083 --> 01:01:37.500
get married, start a family.

1231
01:01:40.000 --> 01:01:43.583
Did you ever tell such a big lie
you don't know how to get out of it?

1232
01:01:45.541 --> 01:01:47.457
I ate the whole cookie.

1233
01:01:47.458 --> 01:01:50.124
- Peek-a-boo.
- Oh my God! Oh my God.

1234
01:01:50.125 --> 01:01:52.624
- You scared me.
- I was over here.

1235
01:01:52.625 --> 01:01:54.666
Let me tell you a real story.

1236
01:01:57.458 --> 01:01:59.125
There was once a family...

1237
01:02:00.875 --> 01:02:03.458
of beautiful, beautiful princesses...

1238
01:02:05.125 --> 01:02:06.875
called the Kardashians.

1239
01:02:07.500 --> 01:02:11.332
And they lived in a palace

1240
01:02:11.333 --> 01:02:15.166
that their dad bought them
by defending a murderer.

1241
01:02:16.166 --> 01:02:16.999
Hey, hey.

1242
01:02:17.000 --> 01:02:18.374
Uncle Joshy.

1243
01:02:18.375 --> 01:02:21.665
Yeah, yeah,
don't get all riled up, Con-man.

1244
01:02:21.666 --> 01:02:22.749
Yeah, sorry.

1245
01:02:22.750 --> 01:02:24.957
I thought
I'd do a little better with that.

1246
01:02:24.958 --> 01:02:26.000
You're very cute.

1247
01:02:26.708 --> 01:02:29.208
Let's read the book we like, all right?

1248
01:02:31.500 --> 01:02:34.625
<i>The Book with No Pictures.</i>

1249
01:02:35.583 --> 01:02:38.708
"This is a book with no pictures."

1250
01:02:40.083 --> 01:02:41.457
"It might seem like no fun

1251
01:02:41.458 --> 01:02:44.000
to have someone
read you a book with no pictures."

1252
01:02:44.833 --> 01:02:48.165
"Probably seems boring and serious."

1253
01:02:48.166 --> 01:02:51.415
"Except, here's how books work."

1254
01:02:51.416 --> 01:02:55.708
"Everything the words say,
the person reading the book has to say."

1255
01:02:59.500 --> 01:03:03.040
"Now it's time for me
to sing you my favorite song."

1256
01:03:03.041 --> 01:03:05.749
<i>♪ "Glug, glug, glug
My face is a bug" ♪</i>

1257
01:03:05.750 --> 01:03:09.333
<i>♪ "I eat ants for breakfast
Right off of a rug" ♪</i>

1258
01:03:44.875 --> 01:03:46.541
Want to come back to my place?

1259
01:03:48.625 --> 01:03:51.750
The garage. Right down... downstairs.

1260
01:04:00.958 --> 01:04:02.165
It's roomy.

1261
01:04:02.166 --> 01:04:04.624
Well, the car's not here.
It's usually right there.

1262
01:04:04.625 --> 01:04:07.166
Okay, I want to have sex with you.

1263
01:04:07.833 --> 01:04:09.207
Fantastic.

1264
01:04:09.208 --> 01:04:12.790
But I'm very self-conscious
of my body right now, as I've said.

1265
01:04:12.791 --> 01:04:14.207
Sure, yes.

1266
01:04:14.208 --> 01:04:15.915
So, there's going to be a couple rules.

1267
01:04:15.916 --> 01:04:18.082
Okay, great. I'm down with rules.

1268
01:04:18.083 --> 01:04:21.415
You know, <i>Cider House, Vanderpump,</i>
all the rules.

1269
01:04:21.416 --> 01:04:23.790
Okay, well, just two rules.

1270
01:04:23.791 --> 01:04:25.708
No touching me and no looking at me.

1271
01:04:26.458 --> 01:04:28.332
Oh, okay. I mean, you know,

1272
01:04:28.333 --> 01:04:31.290
it's not exactly the experience
I had pictured,

1273
01:04:31.291 --> 01:04:35.207
but if that doth what m'lady require of--

1274
01:04:35.208 --> 01:04:37.749
- What?
- Yes. Yes. It's cool.

1275
01:04:37.750 --> 01:04:38.833
Great.

1276
01:04:40.000 --> 01:04:41.333
I'll be right back.

1277
01:04:41.958 --> 01:04:43.041
Okay.

1278
01:04:44.583 --> 01:04:45.624
You okay?

1279
01:04:45.625 --> 01:04:47.500
Yeah, I just... You surprised me.

1280
01:04:48.125 --> 01:04:50.416
Hands locked in this position.

1281
01:04:51.375 --> 01:04:52.291
Okay.

1282
01:04:55.291 --> 01:04:58.791
<i>♪ All this all work, no vacation ♪</i>

1283
01:04:59.458 --> 01:05:03.083
<i>♪ Stay up off my Instagram
Pure temptation ♪</i>

1284
01:05:03.666 --> 01:05:05.790
<i>♪ Hit a switch on a fake *****... ♪</i>

1285
01:05:05.791 --> 01:05:09.207
I want to go down on you,
but I don't really know how to.

1286
01:05:09.208 --> 01:05:10.874
Oh, well,

1287
01:05:10.875 --> 01:05:17.499
you just, like, lick around the clitoris
and if you can sneak a finger in, great.

1288
01:05:17.500 --> 01:05:20.290
No, no, no. I know how to.

1289
01:05:20.291 --> 01:05:22.082
I don't know how to get there.

1290
01:05:22.083 --> 01:05:23.915
- Oh. Right, right.
- Hand in the--

1291
01:05:23.916 --> 01:05:26.375
Well, maybe I can go up on you.

1292
01:05:27.250 --> 01:05:28.250
Problem solved.

1293
01:05:29.000 --> 01:05:30.541
Okay. Yeah.

1294
01:05:31.541 --> 01:05:33.582
- Okay.
- Get on up there.

1295
01:05:33.583 --> 01:05:36.082
Okay, just let me know
when you're kind of close.

1296
01:05:36.083 --> 01:05:37.125
Okay.

1297
01:05:37.625 --> 01:05:39.124
<i>♪ I'm off that la-la ♪</i>

1298
01:05:39.125 --> 01:05:40.874
<i>♪ I'mma get it wet like jacuzzi ♪</i>

1299
01:05:40.875 --> 01:05:43.333
- Okay, I feel your feet there.
- Yeah.

1300
01:05:44.333 --> 01:05:47.165
- Tell me when you're close.
- Okay, I'm...

1301
01:05:47.166 --> 01:05:49.291
I'm trying to make my landing.

1302
01:05:50.166 --> 01:05:51.915
Yeah, you know, I don't...

1303
01:05:51.916 --> 01:05:54.457
- Okay, I'm gonna...
- How long...

1304
01:05:54.458 --> 01:05:56.541
- You're still up there. Okay.
- Let me...

1305
01:05:57.666 --> 01:05:59.374
See. I'm gonna kind of...

1306
01:05:59.375 --> 01:06:01.499
All right, this might work better. Okay.

1307
01:06:01.500 --> 01:06:02.582
What's...

1308
01:06:02.583 --> 01:06:04.999
- Just...
- Just describe what you're doing.

1309
01:06:05.000 --> 01:06:07.290
I'm, like, trying to sit on your...

1310
01:06:07.291 --> 01:06:10.582
No, that's, you know what,
that's not... It's fine.

1311
01:06:10.583 --> 01:06:13.082
- I think I'm okay.
- Okay.

1312
01:06:13.083 --> 01:06:15.499
I don't need you to do that.
That's really sweet, but I'm...

1313
01:06:15.500 --> 01:06:17.749
- Okay.
- I'm ready, you know.

1314
01:06:17.750 --> 01:06:19.874
- Okay, sure.
- She ready, you know.

1315
01:06:19.875 --> 01:06:21.665
Are you? Oh, you're ready.

1316
01:06:21.666 --> 01:06:23.749
- Okay, okay.
- Wow. Nice.

1317
01:06:23.750 --> 01:06:25.291
- Thank you.
- Yeah

1318
01:06:28.083 --> 01:06:30.000
- Oh, my God.
- That feels good.

1319
01:06:34.083 --> 01:06:36.999
Oh, that feels so good.
You like that, Iceman?

1320
01:06:37.000 --> 01:06:38.374
Who is Iceman?

1321
01:06:38.375 --> 01:06:40.332
You. Because you drive a Zamboni?

1322
01:06:40.333 --> 01:06:42.499
- Oh, okay, yeah.
- Okay, I don't have to...

1323
01:06:42.500 --> 01:06:44.499
- Just trying something.
- No, I love it.

1324
01:06:44.500 --> 01:06:46.040
- I love it. I'm Iceman.
- Okay.

1325
01:06:46.041 --> 01:06:48.457
<i>- The Iceman Cometh.</i>
- Oh, yeah.

1326
01:06:48.458 --> 01:06:50.582
- I mean, not yet. Not yet.
- Okay.

1327
01:06:50.583 --> 01:06:52.499
Let me try it the other way.

1328
01:06:52.500 --> 01:06:54.915
- Oh, I was liking that.
- Yeah, but this is better.

1329
01:06:54.916 --> 01:06:56.082
This will be good.

1330
01:06:56.083 --> 01:06:57.665
- Okay.
- This is...

1331
01:06:57.666 --> 01:07:01.041
- All right. Back in business.
- Oh my God.

1332
01:07:03.916 --> 01:07:05.207
- Oh my God.
- So good.

1333
01:07:05.208 --> 01:07:06.750
Oh, God.

1334
01:07:08.583 --> 01:07:11.457
- Wait. Is that the garage?
- No, no. It's fine.

1335
01:07:11.458 --> 01:07:13.707
- Where's the clicker?
- I got it. I got it.

1336
01:07:13.708 --> 01:07:15.916
Okay. Neighbors?

1337
01:07:17.291 --> 01:07:18.875
Is there anybody out there?

1338
01:07:21.125 --> 01:07:23.291
Close it. Somebody's gonna come by.

1339
01:07:31.291 --> 01:07:33.666
<i>♪ Darling, you send me ♪</i>

1340
01:07:34.250 --> 01:07:38.624
<i>♪ I know you send me ♪</i>

1341
01:07:38.625 --> 01:07:40.083
That was really nice.

1342
01:07:40.833 --> 01:07:41.833
Yeah.

1343
01:07:44.583 --> 01:07:45.791
It's a great view.

1344
01:07:47.208 --> 01:07:48.208
Thank you.

1345
01:07:49.750 --> 01:07:51.540
Hey!

1346
01:07:51.541 --> 01:07:52.833
Hey.

1347
01:07:56.958 --> 01:07:58.125
Oh my God.

1348
01:08:00.750 --> 01:08:01.833
Can I be honest with you?

1349
01:08:03.291 --> 01:08:04.208
Yeah?

1350
01:08:06.166 --> 01:08:07.125
I...

1351
01:08:09.500 --> 01:08:12.000
I haven't felt this connected to someone...

1352
01:08:13.500 --> 01:08:14.708
like, ever.

1353
01:08:16.541 --> 01:08:17.874
Me, too.

1354
01:08:17.875 --> 01:08:21.041
Good, because I really...

1355
01:08:22.125 --> 01:08:24.416
I think we could make this work.

1356
01:08:25.125 --> 01:08:29.041
I do. Like, you and me
and the little person in there.

1357
01:08:34.458 --> 01:08:38.708
It just feels so good to finally
be able to trust somebody again.

1358
01:08:39.750 --> 01:08:41.500
I totally trust you.

1359
01:08:42.458 --> 01:08:45.374
I didn't know
if I'd ever feel like this again.

1360
01:08:45.375 --> 01:08:46.750
Mm-hmm.

1361
01:08:48.375 --> 01:08:51.624
- I can't do this.
- Can't do... Can't do what?

1362
01:08:51.625 --> 01:08:53.415
- I'm sorry.
- Wait...

1363
01:08:53.416 --> 01:08:56.749
I have to... I have to leave.

1364
01:08:56.750 --> 01:08:58.790
Wait. Can't do what?

1365
01:08:58.791 --> 01:08:59.874
You have Connor?

1366
01:08:59.875 --> 01:09:02.041
Yeah. Wait, what did I say?

1367
01:09:02.916 --> 01:09:04.458
Why are you leaving?

1368
01:09:11.750 --> 01:09:13.624
Everyone just stick together.

1369
01:09:13.625 --> 01:09:16.082
No touching the butterflies.

1370
01:09:16.083 --> 01:09:18.582
Do not disrupt their metamorphosis.

1371
01:09:18.583 --> 01:09:19.874
I'm totally fucked.

1372
01:09:19.875 --> 01:09:22.124
Are you? 'Cause the way I understand it

1373
01:09:22.125 --> 01:09:24.457
is Josh is the one
that got bit of a fucking.

1374
01:09:24.458 --> 01:09:27.415
Stop it! Come on!

1375
01:09:27.416 --> 01:09:30.416
Sorry. Butterflies make me anxious.

1376
01:09:31.166 --> 01:09:34.415
I almost told him.
I almost and then I...

1377
01:09:34.416 --> 01:09:36.499
No touching.

1378
01:09:36.500 --> 01:09:39.207
I don't know what relationship
could possibly survive

1379
01:09:39.208 --> 01:09:41.165
this level of dishonesty.

1380
01:09:41.166 --> 01:09:43.999
I've lied so much.
I don't know what to do.

1381
01:09:44.000 --> 01:09:47.708
He's going to find out the truth
about my pregnancy at some point, right?

1382
01:09:48.333 --> 01:09:50.291
I mean, he's not going to
forget about a baby.

1383
01:09:51.333 --> 01:09:54.291
God. I can't believe
I fell for Meg's brother.

1384
01:09:54.875 --> 01:09:58.666
It's ridiculous. Like, I really like him.

1385
01:09:59.708 --> 01:10:01.833
You're going to have to get that baby out.

1386
01:10:02.916 --> 01:10:04.666
I need to get rid of my baby.

1387
01:10:05.333 --> 01:10:06.500
Oh, shit.

1388
01:10:07.416 --> 01:10:09.416
Why are they only landing on you?

1389
01:10:10.291 --> 01:10:12.749
- Are they on me?
- Yeah.

1390
01:10:12.750 --> 01:10:15.832
Are they on me right now? Right now?

1391
01:10:15.833 --> 01:10:17.832
- Yeah.
- Get bug spray.

1392
01:10:17.833 --> 01:10:20.207
Get some bug spray. Get them off me.

1393
01:10:20.208 --> 01:10:22.666
- Get these evil demons off me!
- Stop it.

1394
01:10:23.958 --> 01:10:25.624
- Sorry. She's fine.
- No touching.

1395
01:10:25.625 --> 01:10:27.707
I didn't touch them!
They were touching me!

1396
01:10:27.708 --> 01:10:30.624
Please don't raise your voice
in here, ma'am.

1397
01:10:30.625 --> 01:10:31.832
I will fight you.

1398
01:10:31.833 --> 01:10:33.832
I'll fuck you up.

1399
01:10:33.833 --> 01:10:37.207
I will bite your fucking aorta right out.

1400
01:10:37.208 --> 01:10:39.040
Butterflies, attack!

1401
01:10:39.041 --> 01:10:40.915
- I'm coming to get you.
- Come on.

1402
01:10:40.916 --> 01:10:42.750
Piece of shit bitch.

1403
01:10:49.916 --> 01:10:51.374
Thanks for meeting me.

1404
01:10:51.375 --> 01:10:52.500
Of course.

1405
01:10:56.416 --> 01:10:57.416
How are you?

1406
01:10:58.500 --> 01:11:00.666
I'm good. I stopped puking, so...

1407
01:11:01.750 --> 01:11:03.041
That's great.

1408
01:11:05.083 --> 01:11:07.040
How about you? Are you puking?

1409
01:11:07.041 --> 01:11:08.000
No.

1410
01:11:10.250 --> 01:11:12.207
- Why would I be puking?
- I don't know.

1411
01:11:12.208 --> 01:11:15.583
Sometimes in the morning people get...

1412
01:11:17.708 --> 01:11:19.958
like, their tummy rumbles and... Nothing?

1413
01:11:22.625 --> 01:11:23.874
Are you okay?

1414
01:11:23.875 --> 01:11:24.958
Yeah.

1415
01:11:26.291 --> 01:11:28.833
I guess I'm just nervous
about the baby shower.

1416
01:11:30.750 --> 01:11:33.666
It's gonna be great.
Thanks for including me.

1417
01:11:35.500 --> 01:11:36.750
What does that mean?

1418
01:11:37.958 --> 01:11:39.707
What? Thanks for including me.

1419
01:11:39.708 --> 01:11:42.333
Why would you not be invited?
You're my best friend.

1420
01:11:44.916 --> 01:11:46.541
It's okay. I...

1421
01:11:47.416 --> 01:11:48.332
You and Shirley.

1422
01:11:48.333 --> 01:11:49.915
It looks like it's gonna be amazing.

1423
01:11:49.916 --> 01:11:52.165
It's gonna be better than
anything I could have done.

1424
01:11:52.166 --> 01:11:54.332
I have to actually run.

1425
01:11:54.333 --> 01:11:56.332
I have like a million papers to grade.

1426
01:11:56.333 --> 01:11:57.915
- Are you good?
- Yeah.

1427
01:11:57.916 --> 01:11:58.999
- You're okay?
- Yeah.

1428
01:11:59.000 --> 01:12:00.083
Okay. All right.

1429
01:12:22.750 --> 01:12:25.124
I wanna see a paternity test,
am I right?

1430
01:12:25.125 --> 01:12:28.125
No. I can't believe someone's
gonna be calling me "daddy" soon.

1431
01:12:30.125 --> 01:12:31.125
Wow.

1432
01:12:31.583 --> 01:12:33.750
- Hey, look what I found.
- What?

1433
01:12:35.000 --> 01:12:36.915
What the fuck is that?

1434
01:12:36.916 --> 01:12:38.499
I've always wanted a cow.

1435
01:12:38.500 --> 01:12:40.374
That's an alpaca.

1436
01:12:40.375 --> 01:12:42.582
I've been milking her
for an hour and a half

1437
01:12:42.583 --> 01:12:44.415
because they only have
fake milk at the bar.

1438
01:12:44.416 --> 01:12:48.332
I only got like a teaspoon
for this macchiato with little Bessie.

1439
01:12:48.333 --> 01:12:49.500
What a giver.

1440
01:12:51.833 --> 01:12:53.457
- That's obviously a boy.
- What?

1441
01:12:53.458 --> 01:12:55.500
You've been jerking off a boy alpaca.

1442
01:12:56.250 --> 01:12:59.583
That explains the sounds,
and it's quite salty too.

1443
01:13:01.916 --> 01:13:02.791
Macchiato?

1444
01:13:03.375 --> 01:13:04.333
I'm gonna pass.

1445
01:13:05.000 --> 01:13:07.125
Garrett, can you take this cow to my car?

1446
01:13:08.541 --> 01:13:09.874
Hi, Lainy.

1447
01:13:09.875 --> 01:13:11.083
Hey, Connor.

1448
01:13:11.750 --> 01:13:12.791
Connor?

1449
01:13:13.583 --> 01:13:15.708
Oh, shit.

1450
01:13:22.250 --> 01:13:24.208
- Fuck.
- Is that your man?

1451
01:13:25.916 --> 01:13:28.457
- Fuck!
- Fuck!

1452
01:13:28.458 --> 01:13:29.416
Fuck!

1453
01:13:34.250 --> 01:13:35.750
She's gotta be here somewhere.

1454
01:13:39.916 --> 01:13:43.415
Hey! What are you
gorgeous humans doing here?

1455
01:13:43.416 --> 01:13:45.249
Your friend Shirley invited us.

1456
01:13:45.250 --> 01:13:47.707
Classic Shirley.

1457
01:13:47.708 --> 01:13:49.666
Why haven't you returned my calls?

1458
01:13:50.250 --> 01:13:51.375
Calls? What?

1459
01:13:52.083 --> 01:13:52.915
You okay?

1460
01:13:52.916 --> 01:13:54.208
Never better.

1461
01:13:54.875 --> 01:13:56.665
- Hey.
- Oh, hi.

1462
01:13:56.666 --> 01:13:59.707
Are these your friends
you've never mentioned?

1463
01:13:59.708 --> 01:14:01.540
Mm-hmm. Josh.

1464
01:14:01.541 --> 01:14:02.707
- Hi.
- Hi.

1465
01:14:02.708 --> 01:14:04.374
- And Megan.
- Hi.

1466
01:14:04.375 --> 01:14:06.165
- Congratulations.
- Oh, thank you.

1467
01:14:06.166 --> 01:14:08.374
And then there's Steve and Connor.

1468
01:14:08.375 --> 01:14:10.416
Everyone!

1469
01:14:11.500 --> 01:14:16.332
May I have your... attention please.

1470
01:14:16.333 --> 01:14:17.624
Thank you.

1471
01:14:17.625 --> 01:14:19.124
Um...

1472
01:14:19.125 --> 01:14:21.290
First off, Kate and I are so happy...

1473
01:14:21.291 --> 01:14:23.207
...that you could make it
to our baby shower.

1474
01:14:23.208 --> 01:14:25.166
Round of applause!

1475
01:14:27.333 --> 01:14:28.540
- Hi.
- Hi.

1476
01:14:28.541 --> 01:14:30.082
Um...

1477
01:14:30.083 --> 01:14:32.915
Well, I didn't know that
it was gonna be this insane,

1478
01:14:32.916 --> 01:14:36.332
but it does look kind of cool,
so thanks for making me do this.

1479
01:14:36.333 --> 01:14:38.499
- Stop it.
- What? Oh.

1480
01:14:38.500 --> 01:14:39.583
Like, I love you.

1481
01:14:40.375 --> 01:14:41.290
Give me a break.

1482
01:14:41.291 --> 01:14:43.749
- Yeah.
- It's like so many emotions.

1483
01:14:43.750 --> 01:14:46.333
Sorry. [exhales] But...

1484
01:14:49.500 --> 01:14:51.916
I wanna talk about
someone else for a minute.

1485
01:14:53.666 --> 01:14:58.500
Someone we all know and love
named Lainy! Whoo!

1486
01:15:00.541 --> 01:15:04.540
No. This is your day.
Keep it focused on you, please.

1487
01:15:04.541 --> 01:15:07.874
Lainy, everyone at school and on the web

1488
01:15:07.875 --> 01:15:10.374
knows that I am
the sexiest teacher in the world

1489
01:15:10.375 --> 01:15:12.582
and that kindness is my favorite hobby.

1490
01:15:12.583 --> 01:15:14.707
So I want this to be your day, too.

1491
01:15:14.708 --> 01:15:17.499
I don't want it to be.
It's your day, so please leave me alone.

1492
01:15:17.500 --> 01:15:20.165
- Really, please leave me alone.
- Okay. Come here.

1493
01:15:20.166 --> 01:15:23.249
<i>Context, Lainy is pregnant
and thinking of terminating,</i>

1494
01:15:23.250 --> 01:15:26.249
which is so fine because you know
I'm pro-choice like a Rolls Royce.

1495
01:15:26.250 --> 01:15:27.582
Oh my God.

1496
01:15:27.583 --> 01:15:29.624
But this could be
our unicorn's last chance!

1497
01:15:29.625 --> 01:15:31.540
Wait, no, you need to
go into the wrinkles.

1498
01:15:31.541 --> 01:15:33.499
So we're hoping that we can talk her...

1499
01:15:33.500 --> 01:15:34.916
- ...into keeping it, right?
- Stop.

1500
01:15:35.583 --> 01:15:38.040
- Yes!
- My God, the chat is on fire.

1501
01:15:38.041 --> 01:15:39.999
- Enough.
- Wait, no, that's my phone.

1502
01:15:40.000 --> 01:15:42.290
No, I'm turning it off.
You're acting like a crazy--

1503
01:15:42.291 --> 01:15:43.332
Stop it!

1504
01:15:43.333 --> 01:15:45.750
- Oh my God!
- Enough!

1505
01:15:46.958 --> 01:15:48.874
I'm not having an abortion!

1506
01:15:48.875 --> 01:15:50.707
Not that there's anything wrong with that.

1507
01:15:50.708 --> 01:15:52.333
Jesus, Shirley, I would.

1508
01:15:53.000 --> 01:15:53.957
Kate has.

1509
01:15:53.958 --> 01:15:55.249
My mom tried.

1510
01:15:55.250 --> 01:15:57.874
Wait, so you are having the baby! Whoo!

1511
01:15:57.875 --> 01:16:00.374
Keep it!
Keep it! Keep it! Keep it!

1512
01:16:00.375 --> 01:16:02.165
Stop it! Stop it!

1513
01:16:02.166 --> 01:16:06.333
I'm not! I'm not having the baby!
I'm not... I'm not pregnant!

1514
01:16:11.041 --> 01:16:12.208
I've been lying.

1515
01:16:15.375 --> 01:16:16.625
I'm faking it.

1516
01:16:23.666 --> 01:16:24.625
Meg.

1517
01:16:25.750 --> 01:16:27.500
Steve, get the fucking Mazda.

1518
01:16:34.166 --> 01:16:36.458
Josh, let me explain.

1519
01:16:37.916 --> 01:16:39.583
You need serious help.

1520
01:16:49.333 --> 01:16:50.458
I'm sorry.

1521
01:17:15.250 --> 01:17:16.832
I know you'll never love me again.

1522
01:17:16.833 --> 01:17:18.833
I just hope someday you don't hate me.

1523
01:17:21.791 --> 01:17:23.041
I don't hate you.

1524
01:17:25.291 --> 01:17:26.290
You don't?

1525
01:17:26.291 --> 01:17:28.500
No. I love you.

1526
01:17:29.458 --> 01:17:31.166
I knew that something was up.

1527
01:17:32.291 --> 01:17:33.958
I just didn't know what it was.

1528
01:17:35.166 --> 01:17:36.875
I'm not even mad at you.

1529
01:17:37.583 --> 01:17:39.625
I mean, I'm really mad at Mark.

1530
01:17:40.666 --> 01:17:43.333
For not being happy
about this baby at all.

1531
01:17:45.083 --> 01:17:48.000
It's been really hard
doing this without you.

1532
01:17:49.250 --> 01:17:50.875
Fuck.

1533
01:17:52.291 --> 01:17:53.666
I was jealous.

1534
01:17:54.708 --> 01:17:58.333
Of you... I was really jealous of Mark.

1535
01:18:00.125 --> 01:18:01.375
That's funny.

1536
01:18:02.041 --> 01:18:03.040
For real.

1537
01:18:03.041 --> 01:18:06.250
I've always been jealous of Mark.
He gets to spend so much time with you.

1538
01:18:07.291 --> 01:18:08.915
I want to be your husband.

1539
01:18:08.916 --> 01:18:11.874
You should be. I hate my husband.

1540
01:18:11.875 --> 01:18:14.833
Sometimes I'll just
look at him and be like, "God!"

1541
01:18:16.750 --> 01:18:19.541
No. He's a good guy.

1542
01:18:21.250 --> 01:18:22.708
And he loves you so much.

1543
01:18:23.375 --> 01:18:26.833
And he's going to love this baby.
That's who I'm really jealous of.

1544
01:18:27.916 --> 01:18:31.624
This baby gets to have
the coolest, funniest,

1545
01:18:31.625 --> 01:18:34.333
most badass mom in the whole world.

1546
01:18:35.375 --> 01:18:37.416
You forgot to say sexiest.

1547
01:18:38.333 --> 01:18:41.500
Most fuckable mom. This baby...

1548
01:18:43.125 --> 01:18:44.291
No, but really.

1549
01:18:45.625 --> 01:18:47.750
This kid is lucky.

1550
01:18:48.916 --> 01:18:50.082
You really think so?

1551
01:18:50.083 --> 01:18:53.375
Are you serious?
You're the only family I've ever known.

1552
01:18:54.208 --> 01:18:57.040
You getting your own family made me, like,

1553
01:18:57.041 --> 01:19:00.708
just crazy and desperate
to find my own soulmate.

1554
01:19:01.500 --> 01:19:03.708
Bitch, I'm your soulmate.

1555
01:19:04.291 --> 01:19:05.416
Come here.

1556
01:19:15.500 --> 01:19:19.582
<i>♪ I learned the truth at 17 ♪</i>

1557
01:19:19.583 --> 01:19:23.625
<i>♪ That love was meant for beauty queens ♪</i>

1558
01:19:24.250 --> 01:19:28.250
<i>♪ And high school girls
With clear-skinned smiles ♪</i>

1559
01:19:28.750 --> 01:19:30.165
<i>♪ Who married young and then... ♪</i>

1560
01:19:30.166 --> 01:19:31.375
Hey.

1561
01:19:32.458 --> 01:19:34.458
I saw the baby on Instagram.

1562
01:19:35.166 --> 01:19:36.499
She's perfect.

1563
01:19:36.500 --> 01:19:38.208
Uh, it's a he.

1564
01:19:43.000 --> 01:19:44.332
I'm the worst.

1565
01:19:44.333 --> 01:19:47.875
I'm not the kind of person who's going to
comfort someone who's hurt me.

1566
01:19:50.083 --> 01:19:51.041
That's fair.

1567
01:19:52.916 --> 01:19:55.375
All I ever wanted was to be a mom.

1568
01:19:56.791 --> 01:19:58.250
Since I was a little girl.

1569
01:19:58.875 --> 01:20:00.541
So I put that bump on.

1570
01:20:01.125 --> 01:20:02.833
I went to that stupid yoga class.

1571
01:20:04.250 --> 01:20:07.833
And I met you. And I couldn't help
but want to be friends with you.

1572
01:20:08.875 --> 01:20:09.916
And I got stuck.

1573
01:20:11.458 --> 01:20:12.999
You could have just told me.

1574
01:20:13.000 --> 01:20:15.666
I know what a mindfuck it is
being a woman, pregnant or not.

1575
01:20:16.416 --> 01:20:19.875
Well, I wanted to tell you. I was just...

1576
01:20:21.583 --> 01:20:24.999
Do you remember what it's like
to want a family so bad?

1577
01:20:25.000 --> 01:20:27.208
Of course. Of course.

1578
01:20:29.750 --> 01:20:32.832
I've just always wanted someone
to choose me. You know?

1579
01:20:32.833 --> 01:20:34.125
Lainy.

1580
01:20:35.166 --> 01:20:39.041
The most important relationship you are
ever going to have is with yourself.

1581
01:20:42.041 --> 01:20:43.540
Well, I miss you, girl.

1582
01:20:43.541 --> 01:20:44.791
Come here.

1583
01:20:48.833 --> 01:20:50.499
I'm so sorry.

1584
01:20:50.500 --> 01:20:51.624
It's okay.

1585
01:20:51.625 --> 01:20:54.333
Oh my God.
I was just watching this thing and I...

1586
01:20:58.333 --> 01:20:59.583
Oh my God.

1587
01:21:00.875 --> 01:21:03.082
Oh, no, no! No!

1588
01:21:03.083 --> 01:21:05.083
- Yes. Yes.
- No! No!

1589
01:21:05.708 --> 01:21:06.958
- No!
- Oh my God, Josh!

1590
01:21:07.583 --> 01:21:09.790
- Hey, you get down from there right now!
- No!

1591
01:21:09.791 --> 01:21:11.375
The neighbors are staring!

1592
01:21:12.416 --> 01:21:13.957
I'm not coming down ever!

1593
01:21:13.958 --> 01:21:17.165
Josh, can I please talk to you
for a minute? Just one minute.

1594
01:21:17.166 --> 01:21:18.874
Why? So you can tell me another lie?

1595
01:21:18.875 --> 01:21:22.124
You're not a teacher.
You're really a lighthouse keeper.

1596
01:21:22.125 --> 01:21:23.500
I lied.

1597
01:21:24.250 --> 01:21:27.582
I lied to you when I told you
that I got pregnant on Thanksgiving.

1598
01:21:27.583 --> 01:21:31.499
I lied to you when I said
I do charity work for animals.

1599
01:21:31.500 --> 01:21:34.290
I don't. I've never done
any charity work, ever.

1600
01:21:34.291 --> 01:21:38.874
I donate canned goods
if they're doing a drive or something,

1601
01:21:38.875 --> 01:21:42.499
but it's just the stuff
I don't want to eat, really, you know?

1602
01:21:42.500 --> 01:21:46.415
French cut green beans,
creamed corn. I, you know...

1603
01:21:46.416 --> 01:21:48.374
I like cream corn.

1604
01:21:48.375 --> 01:21:49.290
Steve.

1605
01:21:49.291 --> 01:21:53.958
The point is that I'm not lying to you
when I say I am totally in love with you.

1606
01:21:54.916 --> 01:21:57.666
I know it's a big ask,
but can we just start over?

1607
01:21:59.333 --> 01:22:01.125
My name's not Sasha Fierce.

1608
01:22:02.666 --> 01:22:03.583
Hi.

1609
01:22:05.000 --> 01:22:06.458
My name is Lainy Newton.

1610
01:22:07.583 --> 01:22:08.708
What's yours?

1611
01:22:14.708 --> 01:22:17.416
Haven't you ever done
something stupid for love?

1612
01:22:24.166 --> 01:22:26.083
Well, it was wrong, and I'm sorry.

1613
01:22:45.416 --> 01:22:46.583
Ow, my arms.

1614
01:23:17.125 --> 01:23:18.416
Can I come in?

1615
01:23:20.250 --> 01:23:21.208
No.

1616
01:23:21.750 --> 01:23:23.291
I brought steak frites.

1617
01:23:33.166 --> 01:23:34.583
So how you been feeling?

1618
01:23:35.208 --> 01:23:36.832
What do you want, Dave?

1619
01:23:36.833 --> 01:23:39.083
I've never known you
to be this considerate.

1620
01:23:40.666 --> 01:23:41.625
Is it mine?

1621
01:23:45.833 --> 01:23:48.124
- Yes.
- Crap, dammit, I knew it.

1622
01:23:48.125 --> 01:23:50.583
I fucking knew it. I knew it.

1623
01:23:52.500 --> 01:23:53.582
They're yours.

1624
01:23:53.583 --> 01:23:54.666
They?

1625
01:23:56.125 --> 01:23:57.750
What, like twins?

1626
01:23:58.666 --> 01:24:00.540
Three? Oh, no.

1627
01:24:00.541 --> 01:24:03.915
How? How? [sobs] Oh my God!

1628
01:24:03.916 --> 01:24:04.916
Oh, wait.

1629
01:24:07.875 --> 01:24:10.708
No, I can't. I can't do that.

1630
01:24:11.708 --> 01:24:13.749
Oh, my life's over. Shit!

1631
01:24:13.750 --> 01:24:15.290
No, that's good. That's good.

1632
01:24:15.291 --> 01:24:17.915
Yeah, we're gonna...
Yeah, three. That's crazy.

1633
01:24:17.916 --> 01:24:19.583
You gonna keep all of them, or...

1634
01:24:20.166 --> 01:24:21.541
God, you suck!

1635
01:24:24.625 --> 01:24:26.582
Oh, it's not real? That's not real?

1636
01:24:26.583 --> 01:24:28.790
Oh, my... Oh, thank God.

1637
01:24:28.791 --> 01:24:32.666
Fuck yeah! It's not real. Yes!

1638
01:24:35.250 --> 01:24:36.749
You are such a dick.

1639
01:24:36.750 --> 01:24:38.375
You're a dick.

1640
01:24:39.166 --> 01:24:41.082
I mean, four years.

1641
01:24:41.083 --> 01:24:44.333
Four fucking years.
Were you ever in love with me?

1642
01:24:44.916 --> 01:24:46.332
Lainy, yes.

1643
01:24:46.333 --> 01:24:47.500
I was.

1644
01:24:48.166 --> 01:24:50.958
Now, did I fall out of love with you? Yes.

1645
01:24:54.375 --> 01:24:55.291
I'm sorry.

1646
01:24:56.333 --> 01:24:58.207
I'm sorry I couldn't make you happy.

1647
01:24:58.208 --> 01:25:00.708
No, Lainy, it's not you.

1648
01:25:01.916 --> 01:25:04.374
I realized that I couldn't make you happy.

1649
01:25:04.375 --> 01:25:08.499
You know, you wanted
to be a wife and a mom,

1650
01:25:08.500 --> 01:25:10.625
and I thought I wanted that, too, but...

1651
01:25:13.166 --> 01:25:16.166
I realized that I wanted so much more...

1652
01:25:17.916 --> 01:25:19.666
- Success.
- Pussy.

1653
01:25:26.166 --> 01:25:27.583
I do still love you, though.

1654
01:25:28.916 --> 01:25:30.333
I want you to be okay.

1655
01:25:31.875 --> 01:25:32.957
That's sweet.

1656
01:25:32.958 --> 01:25:34.791
I'm sweet.

1657
01:25:36.458 --> 01:25:38.208
You wanna bone one more time?

1658
01:25:38.708 --> 01:25:39.750
No.

1659
01:25:40.916 --> 01:25:42.332
Why don't you head back over there...

1660
01:25:42.333 --> 01:25:43.750
- ...before I stab you?
- Right. Okay.

1661
01:25:48.958 --> 01:25:51.250
<i>♪ It's nice of you to say ♪</i>

1662
01:25:52.000 --> 01:25:54.000
<i>♪ We can still be friends ♪</i>

1663
01:25:57.500 --> 01:26:00.041
Yes! Yes!

1664
01:26:00.541 --> 01:26:03.666
<i>♪ Sure I always knew
We were worlds apart ♪</i>

1665
01:26:05.958 --> 01:26:09.291
<i>♪ But that don't help the sadness
In my heart ♪</i>

1666
01:26:09.791 --> 01:26:15.750
<i>♪ It's gonna take a long time
To get you off of my mind ♪</i>

1667
01:26:21.708 --> 01:26:26.791
<i>♪ Gonna take a long time ♪</i>

1668
01:26:27.541 --> 01:26:28.958
<i>♪ One, two, three... ♪</i>

1669
01:26:35.000 --> 01:26:36.540
bell hooks said,

1670
01:26:36.541 --> 01:26:39.540
"The one person who will never leave us,

1671
01:26:39.541 --> 01:26:41.708
whom we will never lose,

1672
01:26:43.291 --> 01:26:44.625
is ourselves."

1673
01:26:45.291 --> 01:26:51.125
"Learning to love our female selves
is where our search for love must begin."

1674
01:26:52.333 --> 01:26:53.790
Ms. Newton,

1675
01:26:53.791 --> 01:26:57.124
learning about female selves
is mad boring.

1676
01:26:57.125 --> 01:26:59.666
- Shut off, Liam.
- Okay.

1677
01:27:00.500 --> 01:27:01.832
No more questions, Brett.

1678
01:27:01.833 --> 01:27:03.625
- But, Ms. Newton--
- Brett...

1679
01:27:04.375 --> 01:27:07.540
...I need you to back up off me today, okay?

1680
01:27:07.541 --> 01:27:09.624
But I'm glad we communicated about this.

1681
01:27:09.625 --> 01:27:13.541
Lainy! There's a Zamboni outside.

1682
01:27:20.208 --> 01:27:24.665
<i>♪ Honey, I'm still free
Take a chance on me ♪</i>

1683
01:27:24.666 --> 01:27:29.124
<i>♪ If you need me, let me know
Gonna be around ♪</i>

1684
01:27:29.125 --> 01:27:33.708
<i>♪ If you've got no place to go
If you're feeling down ♪</i>

1685
01:27:34.833 --> 01:27:39.415
<i>♪ If you're all alone
When the pretty birds have flown ♪</i>

1686
01:27:39.416 --> 01:27:41.916
<i>♪ Honey, I'm still free, take a chance... ♪</i>

1687
01:27:47.541 --> 01:27:50.415
You know, I once stole my own car

1688
01:27:50.416 --> 01:27:54.375
so I could use the insurance money
to buy my girlfriend a bag.

1689
01:27:54.958 --> 01:27:57.791
- A bag?
- Yeah, like a designer bag.

1690
01:27:58.875 --> 01:28:00.707
That's really stupid.

1691
01:28:00.708 --> 01:28:02.291
Yeah. Lainy...

1692
01:28:03.458 --> 01:28:04.625
you are insane.

1693
01:28:05.291 --> 01:28:08.125
Really, I think
you may be clinically insane,

1694
01:28:08.958 --> 01:28:11.958
but you make me laugh so much.

1695
01:28:12.583 --> 01:28:14.290
I love the way you look at me.

1696
01:28:14.291 --> 01:28:16.582
And I love looking at you.

1697
01:28:16.583 --> 01:28:18.000
Aw.

1698
01:28:18.500 --> 01:28:22.125
I had the best sex I've ever had with you
and I didn't see anything.

1699
01:28:25.250 --> 01:28:28.915
You know, someone once said,
"Watch out for love,

1700
01:28:28.916 --> 01:28:32.833
unless it is true
and every part of you says yes...

1701
01:28:34.291 --> 01:28:35.541
including the toes."

1702
01:28:37.166 --> 01:28:38.666
Anne Sexton.

1703
01:28:39.416 --> 01:28:42.375
Look, I guess what I'm saying is...

1704
01:28:43.416 --> 01:28:46.041
Hi, my name is Josh.

1705
01:28:48.250 --> 01:28:50.125
<i>♪ If you're all alone... ♪</i>

1706
01:28:52.791 --> 01:28:57.165
<i>♪ Honey, I'm still free
Take a chance on me ♪</i>

1707
01:28:57.166 --> 01:29:01.624
<i>♪ Gonna do my very best
Baby, can't you see? ♪</i>

1708
01:29:01.625 --> 01:29:06.082
<i>♪ Gotta put me to the test
Take a chance on me ♪</i>

1709
01:29:06.083 --> 01:29:08.415
<i>♪ Take a chance on me ♪</i>

1710
01:29:08.416 --> 01:29:10.832
<i>♪ Come on, give me a break, will you? ♪</i>

1711
01:29:10.833 --> 01:29:12.916
<i>♪ Take a chance on me ♪</i>

1712
01:29:14.666 --> 01:29:17.707
<i>♪ Oh, you can take your time, baby ♪</i>

1713
01:29:17.708 --> 01:29:19.874
<i>♪ I'm in no hurry ♪</i>

1714
01:29:19.875 --> 01:29:23.125
<i>- ♪ Know I'm gonna get you ♪
- ♪ Know I'm gonna get you ♪</i>

1715
01:29:26.208 --> 01:29:28.040
- Oh, sorry!
- Oh, no.

1716
01:29:28.041 --> 01:29:31.207
- Oh, my God, no, I got it!
- I drive this!

1717
01:29:31.208 --> 01:29:33.124
- I got it!
- No. Take your foot off the gas!

1718
01:29:33.125 --> 01:29:35.915
- I thought I was on the brake!
- Get out of the way!

1719
01:29:35.916 --> 01:29:37.457
- No, it's not!
- All right!

1720
01:29:37.458 --> 01:29:38.750
You're on the gas!

1721
01:29:39.541 --> 01:29:41.625
- Oh...
- Fuck!

1722
01:29:44.333 --> 01:29:46.416
Look out!

1723
01:29:47.625 --> 01:29:49.291
Oh, shit.

1724
01:29:52.208 --> 01:29:54.208
Oh, fuck.