WEBVTT FILE

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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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[announcer]
Ladies and gentlemen,

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please welcome Larry the Cable Guy.

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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[cheers and applause]

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[rockabilly music playing]

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Thank you so much.

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Please do not rush the exits.

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Thank you so much.

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Doggone, thank you.
Look at this, right?

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[audience cheers]

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Wow. Thank you so much.

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Gun show must be next week, I guess.

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How about this, all these lights?

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Huh? Fancy.

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Got all this on Amazon cards.
You believe that?

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It's good to be here at the Capitol again,
I'll tell you.

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-[audience cheers]
-That's right.

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That's right.

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Which is kind of weird
'cause I ain't never been here before.

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So...

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What the hell?

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Well, thank you for coming. Hey...

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Have you ever, like,
walked into a room at your house

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and you get in there and you're like,

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"What the hell
did I just come in here for?"

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You ever do that?
You know what sucks about that for me?

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This is the room, all right?
What the hell?

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I forgot what I'm supposed to do.
I'm getting old. What the hell?

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I forgot my wallet the other day
at the house.

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I had to turn around and go get my wallet.
I couldn't find it.

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Not the wallet, my house, all right?

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Dadgum.

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Sucks. You ever put
your glasses on your head

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and then you're like,
"Where the hell's my glasses at?"

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You're looking for your glasses for an
hour and a half and they're on your head.

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I've done that with Q-tips.

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Sucks getting old.

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You ever say something to somebody,

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then two minutes later
you're asking the same dadgum--

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You ever do that?

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You ever, like, walk in a room
and you get in there, you're like,

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"What the hell am I doing in here?"

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[audience laughs and applauds]

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Well, we're gonna have fun tonight,
I tell you what.

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This is a show I'm gonna remember,

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apparently until tomorrow.

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I embarrassed myself the other day.

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I went to a gender reveal party,

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I thought we were supposed to reveal
our gender and that, all right?

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I'm like, "Look I'm a boy.
Look at this here, I'm a boy."

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Dadgum.

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There's a dermatologist in there,
and she said,

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"You'd better get that skin tag
looked at right there. That don't..."

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I had another buddy of mine
went to a gender reveal party,

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and some woman was choking
on finger wieners.

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Couldn't breathe. She turned blue.

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And everybody was like,
"It's gonna be a boy."

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[laughs]

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Dadgum.

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Well, I'm dressed to the nines tonight,
by golly.

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[audience cheers and applauds]

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Nothing I got on cost more than $9.

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This is actually--

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I sell clothes.

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This is actually my fall/winter
fat guy collection right here.

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Which is strikingly similar
to my spring/summer fat guy collection

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that I like to wear.

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I got these pants at the Goodwill.

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You ever shop at the Goodwill?

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I got these at the Goodwill,
and I come home and my wife goes,

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"Where'd you get them pants?
I thought I took them up to the Goodwill."

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You believe that?

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I've bought these three times this year.
You believe that?

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The hell?

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Well, God love you.

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I'm gonna go a little quicker tonight.

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I got ice cream in the car,
and I apologize.

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It's always fun when I do shows
'cause I've been doing it a long time,

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so you never know when you'll get
the celebrity pop-in, you know,

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'cause you never know
who's a fan that's close

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that's gonna come over and do something,
it's always fun.

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So... you wait here.

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I mean, it's never happened,
but I'm just saying, all right?

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At some point, it's bound to happen.

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I mean, I never get the dadgum--

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Foxworthy was working four blocks away
my show one time,

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he didn't even show up.

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You believe that?

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That skinny bastard. What in the world?

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I love Jeff.

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I met Jeff 38 years ago

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at an RV park in Gainesville.

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He was going through my garbage.

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And I've pretended to like him ever since.

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[laughs]

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We have fun, we do some stuff on--

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You know what we like to do, me and Jeff?

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We like to eat a bunch of Taco Bell

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and then go to the closest
furniture store and fart in the recliners.

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One time, he sharted and made me
buy the recliner.

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You believe that?

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What the heck is he doing?

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Here's the thing about him.

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He's still skinny.
He ain't gained no weight.

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How can you be funny like that
and be skinny?

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That ain't funny to me.

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This is hilarious, all right?
Now that's funny.

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-[audience cheers]
-[laughs]

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Stay back, ladies.

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Stay back, ladies.

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I don't want you rushing me up here.

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Look at the ladies.
I can see y'all right now,

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pepper-spraying me with your eyeballs.

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I can see it right now.

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This is a body built for sin right here.

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Unfortunately, that sin is gluttony.

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I did put on a little weight.

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The government just put me
on the no-fry list.

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It ain't my fault, though.

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I gained weight 'cause I hurt myself

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and couldn't do no exercise
for two months. I...

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I throwed my back out twerking.

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Yeah, I was outside,

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a ladybug went down my pants
and went in the crack of my ass.

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I'm trying to get him out of there.

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[audience cheers]

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Threw my back out.

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All of a sudden, [spitting sound]
it comes out right there, by God.

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It went in a ladybug,
it come out a stink bug, by God.

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That's how it done it.

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That's how it done it right there.

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Well...

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My show, by the way, is PG-13.

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"Pretty Good for 13 minutes."

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But if you're offended at something,

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the good news is
I got a money-back guarantee.

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So I guarantee you,
you ain't gonna get your money back.

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All right, that's how it's gonna be.

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But this is exciting, ain't it?

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I ain't been this excited since my church
replaced their communion wafers

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with real vanilla wafers.

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We got a lot of fat folks at my church.

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You can't even
lift half of them up in prayer.

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Jesus fed 5,000 men.

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That wouldn't feed three
of our fat-ass elders, I guarantee you.

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My wife was gonna work at the church.
She wanted to volunteer.

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But the only thing they had left
was missionary position.

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Start the van.

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I worked up at the Sunday school one time.

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They coaxed me into teaching
the Sunday school.

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And I done it one time.

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One time.

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They said, "Larry, it's easy.
It's five-year-olds.

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You give a lesson,
ask a couple of questions,

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and then you color."

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I can do that.

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I read the story, asked a question.

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First question was,
who did Jesus come to save?

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Some little kid goes,
"The Jews and the genitals."

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Who wants to color?

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I'll tell you what irritated me.

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They was all good,

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and then somebody come for lunch
and give a little dessert.

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They gave them the marshmallow Peeps
to all these five-year-olds.

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You ever eat Peeps?
Them sugar marshmallows?

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They have the Easter Peeps,
the Pumpkin Peeps,

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and the Christmas Peeps.
They had all the Peeps down there.

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Of course, I got into the Peeps.

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I ate the entire collection of Peeps
they had down there.

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I go in there to go to the bathroom.
I look in the toilet.

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Holy smokes, it looked like my toilet
was celebrating Pride month in there.

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All right? Dadgum.

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What the hell?

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Every color represented.
It was unbelievable.

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[laughs]

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How have I not won a Grammy Award by now,
all right?

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-[audience cheers]
-Right?

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Yeah, that's top notch--
That's top-notch material right there.

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This show should have been $500 apiece.

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So I was on the internet,
and they had a thing on there.

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You can buy dadgum sex robots now.

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$10,000.

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What is this world coming to?

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Dadgum sex robot for $10,000.

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We had rubber dolls
when we was kids, they $15.

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They weren't made too good, though.

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My buddy Dougie, he overinflated it
and the left titty popped

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and the nipple
took his eyeball out right there.

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But, yeah...

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It was horrible. Had an eye patch
for three years on there.

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That's a powerful nipple there.

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$10,000 for a dadgum sex robot.
You believe it?

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20,000 if you want one that doesn't talk.

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[laughs]

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Ah, that's hilarious!

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That's funny.

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I'm hearing a lot of this for the first
time myself tonight, all right?

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Oh...

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I think I got a gay vacuum cleaner.

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It's got three settings.

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Small pile, large pile and Gomer Pyle.

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[laughs]

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I know. It's a gift.

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It's a gift.

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Now you notice
I'm walking a little gimpy tonight?

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I apologize.

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I was playing pickleball,

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and, uh, I threw out my pickle.

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I was playing, my pickle popped out.

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I paddled my pickle. You believe that?

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Anybody in here ever paddle your pickle?

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How about grapple your gherkin?
You ever done that at all?

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Who in here wishes
they'd never come here tonight?

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Anybody else at all in here?

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What the hell.

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Feel pretty good, though. I got a couple--

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I don't know what that is.
I'm gonna get that checked out.

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I don't know what that is.

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Every now and then
I go into airplane mode.

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I don't know what the hell it is.

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I got that Mitch McConnell disease
going on up here, whatever that is.

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You kind of freeze...

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[audience cheers]

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But I do feel pretty good. I had a--

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I will say this. I'm kind of freaking out
'cause I missed my colonoscopy.

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So I'm kind of worried I'm gonna, like,

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turn the wrong way or something.

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A polyp's gonna jar loose
off my butthole vein down there,

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go through the butthole vein
up into my head,

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kill me in front of everybody.

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That'd be a heck of a way to die
right there.

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Sitting up there in heaven
with all the heroes of the Bible.

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All the forgiven folks

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sitting around the heavenly campfire.

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"How'd you die ma'am?"

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"Oh, Larry it was horrible."

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"There was a trailer fire
and I went in to save a bunch of cats.

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And the smoke got to me
and the Lord bring me home."

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"Dadgum.

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Holy shit. I mean, shoot. I meant shoot."

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"How'd you die sir?"

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"We was in Vietnam."

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"And I was attacking the Japanese.

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Which is weird
'cause we was in Vietnam, but..."

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"Anyway, the Lord brung me home.

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In battle."

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"Dadgum, that's horrible."

249
00:14:02.425 --> 00:14:04.302
"How'd you die, Larry?"

250
00:14:04.386 --> 00:14:08.348
"I was on stage at the Capitol Theatre
in Clearwater,

251
00:14:08.431 --> 00:14:11.851
and I turned too quick,
and a polyp come out my butthole there.

252
00:14:12.852 --> 00:14:15.146
Went into my brain,
choked me out in front of everybody.

253
00:14:15.230 --> 00:14:16.231
It's crazy.

254
00:14:16.815 --> 00:14:19.859
You know what? Never mind.
Don't worry about it. I'll go over here.

255
00:14:20.735 --> 00:14:24.698
I'll go talk to these people that shot
themselves in the head with a potato gun.

256
00:14:24.781 --> 00:14:26.366
I'll go talk to them people.

257
00:14:26.449 --> 00:14:28.451
That's more my speed over there."

258
00:14:29.578 --> 00:14:31.413
Tell you what else is irritating me.

259
00:14:31.496 --> 00:14:34.332
I'd get a prostate check,
which is no big deal.

260
00:14:34.415 --> 00:14:35.667
Figure, blood test.

261
00:14:35.750 --> 00:14:37.002
He used his finger.

262
00:14:39.045 --> 00:14:41.172
How is that not illegal now?

263
00:14:42.674 --> 00:14:45.218
He used his finger!
It was no blood test!

264
00:14:45.927 --> 00:14:47.929
Then he put the glove on.
He goes, "You ready?"

265
00:14:48.013 --> 00:14:49.848
I go, "I thought they done blood tests."

266
00:14:49.931 --> 00:14:52.017
He goes, "I don't do blood tests.
I do finger."

267
00:14:52.100 --> 00:14:54.477
He says, "You ready?"
I go, "I guess." Very unprofessional.

268
00:14:54.561 --> 00:14:56.062
He goes, "Let's git-r-done!"

269
00:14:56.896 --> 00:14:58.064
Right?

270
00:14:58.148 --> 00:14:59.232
[audience cheers]

271
00:14:59.316 --> 00:15:00.483
What in the world?

272
00:15:01.526 --> 00:15:02.902
Holy smokes.

273
00:15:03.445 --> 00:15:04.613
Dadgum.

274
00:15:04.696 --> 00:15:08.533
I was hitting notes Adele ain't never hit,
all right?

275
00:15:09.367 --> 00:15:12.662
Dadgum, I didn't know I was a falsetto
when I went in there.

276
00:15:13.330 --> 00:15:15.290
I went in to get a prostate check,

277
00:15:15.373 --> 00:15:17.917
I come out part of a barbershop quartet.

278
00:15:19.502 --> 00:15:22.047
The worse part of the whole prostate exam

279
00:15:22.130 --> 00:15:25.091
was having to hear the nurse
throw up in the trash can.

280
00:15:30.722 --> 00:15:33.308
I remember the first time, though,

281
00:15:33.391 --> 00:15:38.980
that I ever heard somebody say
"git-r-done" was at the grocery store.

282
00:15:39.064 --> 00:15:40.774
'91, '90.

283
00:15:40.857 --> 00:15:43.485
And nobody minds their business
in there, and I'll tell you why.

284
00:15:43.568 --> 00:15:46.738
I was in the grocery
for $5 sushi Wednesday at the Publix.

285
00:15:47.322 --> 00:15:48.281
And...

286
00:15:48.365 --> 00:15:49.866
-[whistles and laughter]
-Yeah, right.

287
00:15:50.659 --> 00:15:53.953
And some guy tapped me.
He goes, "You know, sushi's bad for you."

288
00:15:54.037 --> 00:15:56.623
"You'll get stomach worms
and it'll kill you."

289
00:15:56.706 --> 00:15:59.417
"You'll waste away to skin and bones."

290
00:15:59.501 --> 00:16:02.504
I'm like, "Well, I think
I'm all right there, buddy, all right?"

291
00:16:03.254 --> 00:16:07.258
I could get intestinal raccoons
and gain ten pounds right now.

292
00:16:10.512 --> 00:16:13.264
I tell you, at the grocery store
where I don't mind my own business,

293
00:16:13.348 --> 00:16:15.934
and neither do you
'cause we all do the same thing,

294
00:16:16.017 --> 00:16:19.896
is count the items of the person in front
of me at the "ten items or less" line.

295
00:16:21.189 --> 00:16:24.234
Every time I go in there in a good mood,
that gets me in a bad mood.

296
00:16:24.317 --> 00:16:27.112
Just sitting in there,
you're talking to somebody, you're like,

297
00:16:27.195 --> 00:16:29.531
"Oh, yeah, we're gonna go
to that baptism tomorrow."

298
00:16:29.614 --> 00:16:31.241
"You know, Jason's gonna get..."

299
00:16:31.324 --> 00:16:33.576
Uh... nine, ten...

300
00:16:34.661 --> 00:16:36.621
Eleven-- Eleven, twelve.

301
00:16:36.705 --> 00:16:41.167
Hey, douchebag, ten items or less
is on the dadgum deal there.

302
00:16:41.251 --> 00:16:43.420
You know better.
Sorry, Reverend, but I'm just saying,

303
00:16:43.503 --> 00:16:45.171
it's ten items or less.

304
00:16:45.755 --> 00:16:49.008
I don't care if you did baptize my kid,
you ain't supposed to do that.

305
00:16:49.884 --> 00:16:51.344
Follow the rules.

306
00:16:53.138 --> 00:16:56.224
I remember the first time I heard
somebody say "git-r-done" other than me,

307
00:16:56.307 --> 00:16:59.227
it was that day at the grocery store
up there at Publix.

308
00:16:59.310 --> 00:17:01.396
Some guy was leaving the store
who works there.

309
00:17:01.479 --> 00:17:04.858
And he yells back to his buddies,
"See you tomorrow, git-r-done!"

310
00:17:04.941 --> 00:17:06.776
And I was like, "That's what I say."

311
00:17:08.987 --> 00:17:10.530
And then his buddy yelled back,

312
00:17:10.613 --> 00:17:12.991
"All right, git-r-done, see you tomorrow."

313
00:17:13.074 --> 00:17:14.242
That's my deal.

314
00:17:15.285 --> 00:17:17.119
So I go up to him, I go,

315
00:17:17.203 --> 00:17:18.997
"Hey, let me ask you something.

316
00:17:19.079 --> 00:17:21.458
That git-r-done,
where'd you hear that at?"

317
00:17:22.125 --> 00:17:24.377
"Oh, this guy, Larry the Cable Guy.

318
00:17:24.461 --> 00:17:27.505
He said 'git-r-done' on the radio.
It's hilarious."

319
00:17:27.589 --> 00:17:28.798
I said, "That's me."

320
00:17:29.549 --> 00:17:30.800
He said, "Shut up."

321
00:17:33.344 --> 00:17:35.388
I said, "No, I swear, that's me."

322
00:17:36.097 --> 00:17:38.016
I said, "Git-r-done."
He says, "You're not--

323
00:17:38.099 --> 00:17:39.309
Let me hear your 'git-r-done.'"

324
00:17:39.392 --> 00:17:40.894
I went, "Git-r-done!"

325
00:17:40.977 --> 00:17:43.855
He goes, "That ain't even close
to how he does it."

326
00:17:50.570 --> 00:17:53.323
They said, "Git-r-done"
in the Olympics one time.

327
00:17:53.406 --> 00:17:55.450
I couldn't believe it.
This Chinese feller.

328
00:17:55.533 --> 00:17:57.160
He was doing the rings.

329
00:17:57.243 --> 00:18:00.497
He come down, and he does three flips,
and he lands, and he goes like this.

330
00:18:00.580 --> 00:18:02.332
[speaking mock Chinese]

331
00:18:03.583 --> 00:18:06.294
That's "git-r-done" in Chinese.
I swear to you, it is.

332
00:18:06.377 --> 00:18:09.672
I swear to you. Google it. Google it.

333
00:18:09.756 --> 00:18:11.216
[audience applauds]

334
00:18:15.428 --> 00:18:17.388
I love them Olympics. I watch them.

335
00:18:17.472 --> 00:18:20.725
And some of those Chinese girls,
they're so young.

336
00:18:20.809 --> 00:18:23.019
I mean, have you ever seen
how young they is?

337
00:18:23.102 --> 00:18:25.647
Matter of fact,
that's who won a lot of the medals.

338
00:18:25.730 --> 00:18:27.440
That was her name, "So Young."

339
00:18:30.360 --> 00:18:33.196
I knew she was young too
'cause she got the gold medal,

340
00:18:33.279 --> 00:18:35.406
tried to take the wrapper off
to get to the chocolate.

341
00:18:40.995 --> 00:18:42.831
You ever use chopsticks?

342
00:18:44.499 --> 00:18:46.084
You ever use chopsticks?

343
00:18:47.627 --> 00:18:49.671
Test two, test, test.

344
00:18:53.216 --> 00:18:55.468
Well, you take them,
you balance them like this.

345
00:18:55.552 --> 00:18:58.721
You get the two chopsticks in your thumb
and then you take your wrist,

346
00:18:58.805 --> 00:19:01.099
bend your wrist,
and then you flip them in the trash can.

347
00:19:01.182 --> 00:19:02.517
That's how you do it.

348
00:19:02.600 --> 00:19:04.644
We're in America, not China.

349
00:19:05.520 --> 00:19:07.355
We use spoons.

350
00:19:10.400 --> 00:19:12.026
We use spoons.

351
00:19:13.361 --> 00:19:15.655
My favorite Olympics was 2008.

352
00:19:16.364 --> 00:19:18.491
Feller that won the gold medal
in Ping-Pong.

353
00:19:19.117 --> 00:19:20.952
You know what his name was?
I ain't lying.

354
00:19:21.035 --> 00:19:22.203
Dong Dong.

355
00:19:23.371 --> 00:19:26.040
Dong Dong took the gold in Ping-Pong.

356
00:19:27.375 --> 00:19:29.544
And he beat his brother,
that's the funny part.

357
00:19:29.627 --> 00:19:32.505
Dong Dong beat Ding Dong.
That was his other brother.

358
00:19:32.589 --> 00:19:34.799
That was his dumber brother, Ding Dong.

359
00:19:34.883 --> 00:19:36.801
He was the black sheep, Ding Dong.

360
00:19:37.510 --> 00:19:39.762
Never could do anything Dong Dong did.

361
00:19:39.846 --> 00:19:41.514
Poor Ding Dong.

362
00:19:41.598 --> 00:19:43.266
Dong Dong and Ding Dong.

363
00:19:44.976 --> 00:19:48.187
I'd like to see the whole Dong family
on the Olympics,

364
00:19:48.271 --> 00:19:49.689
that's what I'd like to see.

365
00:19:49.772 --> 00:19:53.651
Or I'd like to see them on Family Feud.
That'd be even better right there.

366
00:19:53.735 --> 00:19:55.904
Please welcome the Dong family.

367
00:19:56.821 --> 00:19:58.907
Ding, Dang, Dong, Long,

368
00:19:58.990 --> 00:20:00.325
and Jennifer.

369
00:20:04.954 --> 00:20:07.248
But I like the Olympics. I like the...

370
00:20:08.583 --> 00:20:09.709
volleyball.

371
00:20:09.792 --> 00:20:13.338
You ever watch Olympic volleyball?
They got the men's volleyball in there.

372
00:20:13.421 --> 00:20:16.424
And they hit them
like 110 mile an hour, 150 mile an hour.

373
00:20:16.507 --> 00:20:19.636
I like women's volleyball too,
but I can't watch it too much

374
00:20:19.719 --> 00:20:21.095
'cause of my carpal tunnel.

375
00:20:21.179 --> 00:20:24.307
[audience laughter]

376
00:20:33.066 --> 00:20:36.819
I tell you-- Hey, remember
the pistol shooting they had?

377
00:20:37.779 --> 00:20:39.530
The dude from Turkey.

378
00:20:39.614 --> 00:20:42.367
Everybody had fancy uniforms
and equipment.

379
00:20:42.450 --> 00:20:46.037
There he is, a pair of jeans, glasses on,
holding a pistol.

380
00:20:46.829 --> 00:20:49.707
I swear, if he'd have had
a cigarette in his mouth,

381
00:20:49.791 --> 00:20:52.001
he'd look just like my dad
on the front porch

382
00:20:52.085 --> 00:20:54.420
when the Jehovah Witnesses
come over, all right?

383
00:20:56.214 --> 00:20:57.382
[laughs]

384
00:20:57.465 --> 00:21:00.510
"I'll save you some time.
Turn around and go the other way now."

385
00:21:03.888 --> 00:21:06.933
I like all the running games,
the marathons they got.

386
00:21:07.016 --> 00:21:09.102
I was thinking about running a marathon.

387
00:21:09.852 --> 00:21:10.895
And, uh...

388
00:21:14.482 --> 00:21:15.692
I ain't gonna do it.

389
00:21:15.775 --> 00:21:18.027
I'm just letting you know
I was thinking about it.

390
00:21:18.861 --> 00:21:22.323
Believe me, I get winded
when my mind races, all right?

391
00:21:24.575 --> 00:21:26.911
I did run a 5k one time.

392
00:21:26.995 --> 00:21:28.413
That's a weird story.

393
00:21:28.496 --> 00:21:30.081
I run a 5k.

394
00:21:30.873 --> 00:21:33.084
I like to golf, and my hands hurt.

395
00:21:33.167 --> 00:21:36.421
So my wife got me Copper Fit golf gloves.

396
00:21:37.046 --> 00:21:39.007
It worked. I didn't have no pain.

397
00:21:39.090 --> 00:21:40.383
I'm bragging on these gloves,

398
00:21:40.466 --> 00:21:43.594
so I guess there's a hint
to lose weight or something.

399
00:21:43.678 --> 00:21:46.097
She got me a Copper Fit jogging suit.

400
00:21:47.223 --> 00:21:48.599
What is the world?

401
00:21:48.683 --> 00:21:50.685
I ended up running five miles

402
00:21:50.768 --> 00:21:53.479
trying to get away from meth heads
trying to get the copper

403
00:21:53.563 --> 00:21:55.440
off my damn running suit in there.

404
00:22:00.486 --> 00:22:03.031
If you're single
don't buy Copper Fit condoms,

405
00:22:03.114 --> 00:22:04.490
I'll tell you that much.

406
00:22:04.574 --> 00:22:06.534
They'll rip them right off of you.

407
00:22:07.035 --> 00:22:09.620
Do not do it.
That's a tip from me right there.

408
00:22:12.123 --> 00:22:16.377
That's right. Don't do it.
You ever run an obstacle course?

409
00:22:16.461 --> 00:22:17.503
You ever done that?

410
00:22:18.212 --> 00:22:20.757
Last time I was on an obstacle course,

411
00:22:21.674 --> 00:22:24.260
a bouncer chased me
up a stripper pole.

412
00:22:28.389 --> 00:22:31.434
They got the 24 Hour Fitnesses now.

413
00:22:31.517 --> 00:22:33.311
Thank God.

414
00:22:33.394 --> 00:22:37.356
I don't know how many times I woke up
at 4:10 in the morning

415
00:22:37.440 --> 00:22:39.192
and said, "Boy, I tell you what."

416
00:22:39.984 --> 00:22:43.488
"I wish there was a place
I could go squat 600 pounds right now,

417
00:22:43.571 --> 00:22:45.073
but I don't know where it is."

418
00:22:47.075 --> 00:22:49.035
I woke up the other day at 3:00 and said,

419
00:22:49.118 --> 00:22:51.954
"I'm gonna go lift some weights
down there at 24/7."

420
00:22:52.038 --> 00:22:53.873
Then I found out I ain't got a membership.

421
00:22:53.956 --> 00:22:57.502
So went down and reheated some meat loaf.

422
00:23:02.173 --> 00:23:03.633
I hate the gym.

423
00:23:04.759 --> 00:23:06.844
Every time I go to the dadgum gym,

424
00:23:06.928 --> 00:23:10.014
there's always somebody on the equipment
that I want to use.

425
00:23:10.723 --> 00:23:12.183
And I tell them all the time,

426
00:23:12.266 --> 00:23:14.894
they got to get more
vending machines in these places.

427
00:23:20.483 --> 00:23:22.443
I hate the treadmill too.

428
00:23:24.112 --> 00:23:25.822
Tell me this guy wasn't a weirdo.

429
00:23:25.905 --> 00:23:28.908
There was a dude on the treadmill,
what an idiot.

430
00:23:29.992 --> 00:23:31.494
He had a bottle of water

431
00:23:31.577 --> 00:23:34.330
where you're supposed to put
the Pringles can container.

432
00:23:42.880 --> 00:23:44.048
I hate the treadmill.

433
00:23:44.132 --> 00:23:46.259
And I was watching
The Price Is Right one time.

434
00:23:46.342 --> 00:23:48.094
You talk about embarrassing.

435
00:23:48.177 --> 00:23:49.762
This is a true story.

436
00:23:49.846 --> 00:23:52.765
You can Google this,
along with the Chinese "Git-r-done."

437
00:23:54.225 --> 00:23:56.727
He was a guy with no legs

438
00:23:56.811 --> 00:23:58.396
that won a treadmill.

439
00:23:59.856 --> 00:24:01.566
That's a true story.

440
00:24:02.316 --> 00:24:03.693
Guy with no legs won a treadmill.

441
00:24:03.776 --> 00:24:06.487
You'd think they'd switch the gift quick,
get something else in there.

442
00:24:06.571 --> 00:24:09.365
Get a washer and dryer in there, you know?

443
00:24:09.448 --> 00:24:11.576
But not a stackable.
Don't get a stackable.

444
00:24:17.915 --> 00:24:21.043
A guy with no legs
won a dadgum treadmill.

445
00:24:21.127 --> 00:24:22.545
Is that not horrible?

446
00:24:22.628 --> 00:24:25.131
I can't think of nothing worse

447
00:24:25.214 --> 00:24:27.884
than having no legs
and winning a treadmill.

448
00:24:28.467 --> 00:24:31.512
Except for maybe having
complete use of your legs

449
00:24:31.596 --> 00:24:33.848
and winning a treadmill, all right?

450
00:24:36.309 --> 00:24:38.728
And what in the hell
are they giving away a treadmill

451
00:24:38.811 --> 00:24:40.646
on The Price Is Right for anyway?

452
00:24:40.730 --> 00:24:44.275
Have you seen the contestants
that run down to the row down there?

453
00:24:44.358 --> 00:24:46.110
Half of them can't make it halfway down

454
00:24:46.194 --> 00:24:49.405
before they've got to put the CPAP machine
back on their dadgum face.

455
00:24:51.365 --> 00:24:56.162
Marlene, come on down.
You're the next contestant on The Price...

456
00:24:57.163 --> 00:24:59.498
Paramedics, come on down.

457
00:25:01.125 --> 00:25:06.255
Which one of you five can guess Marlene's
cholesterol level without going over?

458
00:25:08.466 --> 00:25:10.134
You'll win a treadmill.

459
00:25:11.886 --> 00:25:14.847
I like that Plinko game. You like Plinko?

460
00:25:14.931 --> 00:25:16.474
[audience] Yeah!

461
00:25:16.557 --> 00:25:18.434
There's a sheep in here.

462
00:25:22.605 --> 00:25:25.107
I put a Plinko game in our bedroom

463
00:25:25.191 --> 00:25:27.026
to spice up the lovemaking.

464
00:25:27.818 --> 00:25:29.320
Hey, I put a chip in there.

465
00:25:29.403 --> 00:25:31.530
Boy, spin that way.

466
00:25:31.614 --> 00:25:32.782
I'll put the chip in.

467
00:25:32.865 --> 00:25:36.244
And I got a 5% chance of some action
happening that night in there.

468
00:25:37.119 --> 00:25:39.497
Which is way better than the 1% chance

469
00:25:39.580 --> 00:25:42.792
I'm currently sitting on
at this moment in my life.

470
00:25:44.001 --> 00:25:47.380
My buddy and his wife,
they play jacks in the bedroom.

471
00:25:48.089 --> 00:25:49.840
That's where he falls asleep,

472
00:25:49.924 --> 00:25:51.926
and he goes over to Jack the neighbor's.

473
00:25:59.934 --> 00:26:01.686
Anybody like to golf in here?

474
00:26:01.769 --> 00:26:02.853
[audience] Yeah!

475
00:26:02.937 --> 00:26:05.022
They got golf on the Olympics too.

476
00:26:05.815 --> 00:26:08.859
Golf.
I got a love-hate relationship with golf.

477
00:26:08.943 --> 00:26:11.320
Golf reminds me of the DMV.

478
00:26:11.404 --> 00:26:13.990
You know, after about an hour,
everybody around me,

479
00:26:14.073 --> 00:26:16.659
I want to stab them in the face,
you know what I mean?

480
00:26:17.326 --> 00:26:18.577
Frigging hate golf.

481
00:26:19.453 --> 00:26:21.497
Trying to get better.
I got a golf simulator.

482
00:26:21.580 --> 00:26:24.917
I was on it the other day
and I had to let five people play through.

483
00:26:29.422 --> 00:26:32.758
Playing a lot of charity golf events.
I enjoy doing that.

484
00:26:32.842 --> 00:26:34.927
You know, I did five last year.
Well, four.

485
00:26:35.011 --> 00:26:37.930
I was gonna do five.
One was for the Make-A-Wish kids,

486
00:26:38.014 --> 00:26:41.058
and their wish was for me
not to participate in the golf tournament.

487
00:26:41.142 --> 00:26:42.393
So I had to do that.

488
00:26:46.230 --> 00:26:48.941
I do a lot of the celebrity pro-ams.

489
00:26:49.025 --> 00:26:52.194
I played with Bernie Sanders one time.
What in the world?

490
00:26:52.987 --> 00:26:55.406
You know, it was weird.
He didn't call them "mulligans."

491
00:26:55.489 --> 00:26:57.491
He said they were entitlements.

492
00:27:01.579 --> 00:27:03.289
[applause]

493
00:27:05.624 --> 00:27:07.793
Did I mention there's exits here?

494
00:27:09.211 --> 00:27:11.130
I don't know if I got the exits in.

495
00:27:11.213 --> 00:27:13.966
I play in these celebrity deals.
I love them.

496
00:27:14.050 --> 00:27:16.927
I was in the American Century one
in Tahoe,

497
00:27:17.011 --> 00:27:20.097
and I hit two people,
busted a hotel window.

498
00:27:20.181 --> 00:27:23.309
Holy smokes,
I was the only celebrity that day

499
00:27:23.392 --> 00:27:26.145
to make Golf Channel and Court TV
at the same time.

500
00:27:26.228 --> 00:27:27.730
It was unbelievable.

501
00:27:27.813 --> 00:27:31.192
That's why I use two gloves,
so I don't leave prints.

502
00:27:32.777 --> 00:27:34.945
A lot of people
have a name for their driver.

503
00:27:35.029 --> 00:27:36.405
Mine is Exhibit A.

504
00:27:39.075 --> 00:27:42.161
But my ultimate goal in golf

505
00:27:42.244 --> 00:27:44.246
is to get to Augusta...

506
00:27:45.706 --> 00:27:48.292
and clog the toilet in the clubhouse.

507
00:27:50.211 --> 00:27:54.632
I have clogged the toilet
of many of the finest clubhouse toilets

508
00:27:54.715 --> 00:27:57.301
at some of the greatest golf courses
in this country.

509
00:27:57.385 --> 00:27:58.886
And I'm damn proud of it.

510
00:27:59.553 --> 00:28:01.931
I think they're starting
to suspect I'm doing it,

511
00:28:02.014 --> 00:28:05.810
'cause I'm the only golfer that carries
a plunger in his golf bag, all right?

512
00:28:09.230 --> 00:28:12.400
Hey, you hear that story
about the ghost pooper?

513
00:28:13.567 --> 00:28:17.738
Somebody's sneaking on golf courses
and pooping in golf holes.

514
00:28:18.656 --> 00:28:20.449
What a moron.

515
00:28:21.117 --> 00:28:24.328
Why don't they do what I do,
use the sand trap over there?

516
00:28:24.412 --> 00:28:27.081
You know what I mean?
I mean, it's got a rake.

517
00:28:27.164 --> 00:28:28.874
You can cover it up and everything.

518
00:28:28.958 --> 00:28:30.584
They'll never even know it's you,

519
00:28:30.668 --> 00:28:32.586
especially if you've got
a little deer turd.

520
00:28:32.670 --> 00:28:35.756
They'll think it's a little deer
or something in there, just...

521
00:28:37.800 --> 00:28:40.511
Knowing my luck,
I'll get my first hole in one,

522
00:28:40.594 --> 00:28:42.346
it'll be in one of the poop holes.

523
00:28:44.515 --> 00:28:47.977
"Hey, Larry, what ball you playing?"
"Titleist 1 with number 2 on it."

524
00:28:49.395 --> 00:28:51.105
Go ahead, you can keep it.

525
00:28:51.730 --> 00:28:52.690
I don't need it.

526
00:28:54.775 --> 00:28:57.069
But I would say get a professional
to help you golf.

527
00:28:57.153 --> 00:29:00.865
My friends always try to help me golf,
and they suck worse than I do.

528
00:29:00.948 --> 00:29:02.908
You know, "How come I'm not putting good?"

529
00:29:02.992 --> 00:29:04.952
"Well, let me show you."
"You're gonna show me?"

530
00:29:05.035 --> 00:29:07.037
"Will's beating you,
and he's in a wheelchair"

531
00:29:10.332 --> 00:29:12.418
I did get a professional,
and that helped too.

532
00:29:12.501 --> 00:29:14.587
And now I'm throwing my clubs
20 yards further.

533
00:29:14.670 --> 00:29:17.381
I tell you, it's unbelievable.

534
00:29:17.465 --> 00:29:19.717
It really helped a lot to do that.

535
00:29:22.136 --> 00:29:24.805
But I like playing old dadgum golf.
I remember...

536
00:29:25.764 --> 00:29:29.226
I was in Las Vegas,
played in this golf tournament.

537
00:29:29.310 --> 00:29:31.687
Get done. 2002.

538
00:29:32.813 --> 00:29:36.775
And I'm in the lobby in the casino.

539
00:29:37.526 --> 00:29:38.819
You ain't gonna believe this.

540
00:29:38.903 --> 00:29:40.613
Henry Winkler come up to me.

541
00:29:40.696 --> 00:29:41.655
Happy Days.

542
00:29:42.615 --> 00:29:44.325
Henry Winkler, Happy Days.

543
00:29:44.408 --> 00:29:47.119
Then he goes, "Larry, can I borrow $500?"

544
00:29:47.203 --> 00:29:50.539
I'm like, "What?
You're Henry Winkler from Happy Days."

545
00:29:50.623 --> 00:29:52.875
He says, "I know, but I'll tell you what.
I need--

546
00:29:52.958 --> 00:29:56.921
Give me $500, I'll meet you here
in an hour, I'll give you $2500."

547
00:29:57.004 --> 00:30:00.466
Dadgum right, Henry Winkler.
So, bam.

548
00:30:00.549 --> 00:30:03.260
I ain't seen Henry Winkler
in 23 years, all right?

549
00:30:03.344 --> 00:30:04.303
Dadgum.

550
00:30:06.555 --> 00:30:09.183
Then I go on the internet
couple years ago,

551
00:30:09.266 --> 00:30:13.854
found out I got caught up
in one of them dadgum Fonzie schemes.

552
00:30:21.362 --> 00:30:22.863
[laughs]

553
00:30:23.405 --> 00:30:27.243
Thank you. Hey, the good news is
we're halfway done, all right?

554
00:30:27.326 --> 00:30:28.536
That's the good news.

555
00:30:30.371 --> 00:30:33.999
Oh, time is flying, ain't it?
2025. Who'd have thunk it?

556
00:30:34.083 --> 00:30:37.086
It sure seems like yesterday
I was knocking a bunch of old women over

557
00:30:37.169 --> 00:30:39.547
trying to get to the last roll
of toilet paper.

558
00:30:41.966 --> 00:30:44.969
I can never figure out
why that was a thing, toilet paper.

559
00:30:45.052 --> 00:30:48.305
Have you seen the size of
the toilet paper they got at the Costco?

560
00:30:48.389 --> 00:30:51.183
Looks like Fred Flintstone's
back tire sitting out there.

561
00:30:52.059 --> 00:30:55.312
You got major problems if you're buying
round bails of toilet paper,

562
00:30:55.396 --> 00:30:57.022
that's all I got to say.

563
00:30:57.606 --> 00:31:02.027
You can always be guaranteed, though,
of two things happen in this country

564
00:31:02.111 --> 00:31:03.946
if there's a major tragedy.

565
00:31:04.029 --> 00:31:07.241
One, you ain't gonna find
no toilet paper nowhere.

566
00:31:08.409 --> 00:31:12.705
And number two,
every dadgum radio station in the country

567
00:31:12.788 --> 00:31:15.916
is gonna be playing Lee Greenwood,
"God Bless the USA."

568
00:31:16.917 --> 00:31:18.294
That's a fact.

569
00:31:19.169 --> 00:31:21.797
I was leaving the Costco a while back

570
00:31:21.880 --> 00:31:24.091
and I turned the radio on in my truck.

571
00:31:24.174 --> 00:31:26.260
Lee Greenwood
singing on the radio station.

572
00:31:26.343 --> 00:31:28.345
I like, "Oh shit, what happened?"

573
00:31:30.097 --> 00:31:33.434
I called my wife, I go, "You all right?"
She goes, "Yeah, why?"

574
00:31:33.517 --> 00:31:36.103
I go, "Lee Greenwood's singing
on the radio in here."

575
00:31:36.186 --> 00:31:38.606
She's like, "Oh shit, run back in there
and get some toilet paper,

576
00:31:38.689 --> 00:31:40.274
while you're in there. Go do that."

577
00:31:46.780 --> 00:31:49.116
The best thing to ever
come out all them years was

578
00:31:49.199 --> 00:31:52.036
I got to do one excuse
if I didn't want to do nothing.

579
00:31:52.119 --> 00:31:54.288
Used to have to make something up
on the spot.

580
00:31:54.371 --> 00:31:55.372
They knew you were lying.

581
00:31:55.456 --> 00:31:57.583
Now you just say,
"I can't do it, I got COVID."

582
00:31:59.209 --> 00:32:01.211
That's a godsend right there.

583
00:32:01.879 --> 00:32:05.591
"Hey, Larry, can you help us
take three truckloads

584
00:32:05.674 --> 00:32:07.676
of sweet corn down to the fair?"

585
00:32:08.636 --> 00:32:12.723
"Oh, Jimmy, I'd love to do it, buddy,
but I got COVID."

586
00:32:14.350 --> 00:32:16.560
"Oh, man, that sucks.
When did you get that?"

587
00:32:16.644 --> 00:32:17.978
"Like, two hours ago."

588
00:32:21.690 --> 00:32:23.525
"You know I'd help you if I could.

589
00:32:23.609 --> 00:32:27.529
I love you, but this ain't about me.
This is about you right here, all right?

590
00:32:28.155 --> 00:32:29.698
Trying to keep you safe."

591
00:32:30.783 --> 00:32:32.576
"So, what are you gonna do about it?"

592
00:32:32.660 --> 00:32:35.788
"I can't do nothing. I guess I gotta watch
this Atlanta Braves double header.

593
00:32:35.871 --> 00:32:37.998
I don't know what else I'm gonna do.

594
00:32:38.082 --> 00:32:39.750
I mean, what can I do, really?"

595
00:32:41.502 --> 00:32:44.129
I like sweet corn. You like sweet corn?
It's very...

596
00:32:45.089 --> 00:32:46.965
Yeah, that's good stuff right there.

597
00:32:47.049 --> 00:32:49.968
Did you know corn
has male and female parts?

598
00:32:50.052 --> 00:32:52.763
There's male corn and female corn.
Did you know that?

599
00:32:52.846 --> 00:32:53.889
That's true.

600
00:32:54.848 --> 00:32:57.476
That's why I've never eaten corn nuts.

601
00:33:08.070 --> 00:33:11.198
1994, where we was at the fair
with my great-grandma.

602
00:33:11.281 --> 00:33:15.077
We had a tragedy.
She sneezed in the porta-potty.

603
00:33:15.160 --> 00:33:19.039
And the fireman had to come get her teeth
out of the porta-potty for her.

604
00:33:19.957 --> 00:33:21.083
I know.

605
00:33:22.334 --> 00:33:24.795
I didn't kiss her for 15 years.

606
00:33:27.297 --> 00:33:29.925
Then she went to get her dentures cleaned,
pulled them out,

607
00:33:30.008 --> 00:33:32.344
and a corn nut rolled out
of the back of there.

608
00:33:32.428 --> 00:33:33.929
[laughs]

609
00:33:34.012 --> 00:33:36.014
What? What?

610
00:33:36.098 --> 00:33:40.102
Hey, I only tell that joke
for shits and grins, all right?

611
00:33:40.185 --> 00:33:41.395
That's...

612
00:33:41.478 --> 00:33:44.440
That's the only reason
I tell that dadgum joke.

613
00:33:45.441 --> 00:33:48.402
My mom, I moved my mom in with me
when she was 85.

614
00:33:48.485 --> 00:33:51.280
She's 88 now, but when she was 85
I was worried about her

615
00:33:51.363 --> 00:33:52.698
'cause she lived by herself.

616
00:33:52.781 --> 00:33:54.324
She'd fallen down a lot.

617
00:33:54.408 --> 00:33:56.952
And getting very forgetful,

618
00:33:57.035 --> 00:34:00.456
which actually wasn't too bad 'cause
I got nine birthday cards this year.

619
00:34:02.166 --> 00:34:04.877
I know, that's almost $50.

620
00:34:08.172 --> 00:34:10.340
But I got her a Life Alert.

621
00:34:10.424 --> 00:34:13.510
When she come, I got her
an apartment downstairs at our house.

622
00:34:13.594 --> 00:34:16.096
I loved having her, got her a Life Alert.

623
00:34:16.179 --> 00:34:18.849
She didn't have that thing on
45 minutes, it goes off.

624
00:34:18.931 --> 00:34:20.601
Freaked me out. I run down there.

625
00:34:20.684 --> 00:34:22.226
"What happened? You all right?"

626
00:34:22.311 --> 00:34:24.605
"What channel's Fox News on?"

627
00:34:27.983 --> 00:34:29.985
"Only for emergencies, Mom."

628
00:34:31.235 --> 00:34:34.822
About 20 minutes later, go off again.
What the hell? I run down there.

629
00:34:34.907 --> 00:34:36.283
"What? Are you all right?"

630
00:34:36.784 --> 00:34:40.913
"I think Joe Biden's
got Alzheimer's disease."

631
00:34:45.667 --> 00:34:50.172
"Well, you do realize you put your coffee
in the refrigerator today as well?

632
00:34:50.255 --> 00:34:51.089
So you may...

633
00:34:51.965 --> 00:34:53.091
you ain't much better."

634
00:34:54.551 --> 00:34:57.846
And I love her, but that thing went off
25 times that day.

635
00:34:57.930 --> 00:34:59.348
Then the next day,

636
00:35:00.015 --> 00:35:02.309
I don't hear from her all day.

637
00:35:03.519 --> 00:35:05.854
Now it's about 9:00 at night,
and I'm like...

638
00:35:05.938 --> 00:35:07.356
I'm getting kind of worried.

639
00:35:07.898 --> 00:35:11.527
So I go down the bedroom down there
and I kind of crack the door open.

640
00:35:12.027 --> 00:35:13.153
There she is,

641
00:35:13.237 --> 00:35:16.240
upside down,
feet flailing in the air.

642
00:35:16.323 --> 00:35:18.575
Pinned between the bed and the wall.

643
00:35:20.160 --> 00:35:22.704
And I'm like, "Why didn't you use
your Life Alert?"

644
00:35:22.788 --> 00:35:25.916
She's like, "Well, I don't want
to bother anybody up there."

645
00:35:29.044 --> 00:35:30.504
Oh my goodness.

646
00:35:30.587 --> 00:35:32.047
-[audience cheers]
-I know.

647
00:35:32.130 --> 00:35:34.633
So she's in assisted living now,
all right?

648
00:35:34.716 --> 00:35:36.051
That's what she is.

649
00:35:36.134 --> 00:35:37.135
[laughs]

650
00:35:37.219 --> 00:35:41.098
She kind of was before,
except I was the assistant, all right?

651
00:35:42.140 --> 00:35:45.394
But she loves it down there.
My mom, she's 88 now.

652
00:35:45.477 --> 00:35:47.646
Looks good, but not in a bikini.

653
00:35:47.729 --> 00:35:50.858
But everything else,
she does is real good.

654
00:35:51.692 --> 00:35:52.985
But she loves it down there.

655
00:35:53.068 --> 00:35:55.195
I go down there the other day,
she does this too.

656
00:35:55.279 --> 00:35:58.323
I go, "You loving it down here?"
"Oh, it's so much fun.

657
00:35:58.407 --> 00:36:01.869
They got bingo and they got cards.
But somebody's stealing from me."

658
00:36:02.870 --> 00:36:06.248
"What do you mean somebody's stealing?"
"Somebody stole my sweaters."

659
00:36:07.040 --> 00:36:08.584
"Well, did you look in the refrigerator?"

660
00:36:10.335 --> 00:36:13.088
"You're not funny.
Somebody stole my sweaters.

661
00:36:13.171 --> 00:36:14.715
They were nice sweaters."

662
00:36:15.716 --> 00:36:17.509
"Well, you mean to tell me, Mom,

663
00:36:17.593 --> 00:36:19.595
somebody come in your room
and you weren't here

664
00:36:19.678 --> 00:36:22.556
and went past the big-screen TV,
your purse, three jewelry boxes,

665
00:36:22.639 --> 00:36:26.059
and headed straight to the hamper
to get them sweaters out of there?"

666
00:36:26.894 --> 00:36:28.270
"Yes, they did."

667
00:36:29.104 --> 00:36:31.857
Of course, I love her,
so I got to humble her, you know.

668
00:36:31.940 --> 00:36:35.777
So I'm like, "Well, Mom, you know,
I did see on the news the other day

669
00:36:35.861 --> 00:36:39.406
they got a bunch of Mexican
sweater cartels in the area down here,

670
00:36:39.489 --> 00:36:40.616
so you're right."

671
00:36:43.785 --> 00:36:45.495
Then I go down there.
She's with the nurse.

672
00:36:45.579 --> 00:36:46.997
She's got one of the sweaters on.

673
00:36:47.581 --> 00:36:49.416
I'm like,
"Hey, I see you found your sweater."

674
00:36:49.499 --> 00:36:51.084
"What are you talking about?"

675
00:36:51.168 --> 00:36:53.045
"The one you said
somebody stole from you."

676
00:36:53.128 --> 00:36:56.256
"Nobody stole-- He always thinks
somebody's stealing from me."

677
00:36:59.426 --> 00:37:00.636
Now I'm a jerk.

678
00:37:02.846 --> 00:37:04.848
Make sure you go down there.
She got a friend.

679
00:37:04.932 --> 00:37:08.602
I went down to visit her friend Marge.
A hundred years old. It was her birthday.

680
00:37:08.685 --> 00:37:10.646
And boy, she tiny, I tell you what.

681
00:37:10.729 --> 00:37:12.940
You get tiny when you get older.

682
00:37:13.023 --> 00:37:15.984
I used to be 6'6". It's unbelievable.
I'm just shrinking.

683
00:37:17.152 --> 00:37:20.030
My buddy's great-grandpa down there,
106 years old.

684
00:37:20.113 --> 00:37:23.075
The nurse carries him around
like a parakeet on her shoulder.

685
00:37:25.118 --> 00:37:27.537
But Marge, they lit all the candles.

686
00:37:27.621 --> 00:37:29.957
Looked like a prairie fire down there.

687
00:37:30.040 --> 00:37:33.460
She blew out the candles,
but she passed out blowing them out.

688
00:37:33.543 --> 00:37:36.838
They had to rush her to the hospital.
My mom was worried about her.

689
00:37:36.922 --> 00:37:38.799
But the burn unit said she's fine.

690
00:37:39.466 --> 00:37:40.634
Even though,

691
00:37:40.717 --> 00:37:43.470
she lost both eyebrows
and half her mustache.

692
00:37:43.553 --> 00:37:44.721
Uh, so...

693
00:37:46.515 --> 00:37:47.933
She'll be back on the couch

694
00:37:48.016 --> 00:37:50.227
watching Gunsmoke
in no time down there.

695
00:37:52.479 --> 00:37:56.233
Here's a thing I noticed
about the assisted living,

696
00:37:56.316 --> 00:37:58.652
the old folks' home,
whatever you want to call it,

697
00:37:58.735 --> 00:38:00.237
is, uh,

698
00:38:00.320 --> 00:38:01.697
it's kind of sentimental

699
00:38:01.780 --> 00:38:06.243
because this is the last generation
of grandmas and great-grandmas

700
00:38:06.326 --> 00:38:09.788
that got traditional grandma,
great-grandma names.

701
00:38:09.871 --> 00:38:13.542
You go down there, you know,
you got a Rose and a Trudy

702
00:38:13.625 --> 00:38:16.586
and a Gertie and a, you know,

703
00:38:16.670 --> 00:38:19.047
Shirley and a Bessie.

704
00:38:19.881 --> 00:38:23.135
Just think, 35 years from now
you're gonna go to an old folks' home,

705
00:38:23.218 --> 00:38:27.389
bunch of old women running around there
named Chloe and Britney and...

706
00:38:29.307 --> 00:38:31.977
a bunch of 90-year-old
shriveled-up old women

707
00:38:32.060 --> 00:38:34.229
with unbelievable tits.

708
00:38:38.692 --> 00:38:42.904
[laughter and applause]

709
00:38:44.364 --> 00:38:45.824
That's how it is.

710
00:38:47.284 --> 00:38:49.578
That's how it is.
Git-r-done, that's right.

711
00:38:50.912 --> 00:38:52.330
Now, my uncle's 88.

712
00:38:52.414 --> 00:38:55.417
He did not do assisted living.
He's a pervert, is what he is.

713
00:38:55.500 --> 00:38:58.754
He went down to the villages,
that's where he went to live, by gosh.

714
00:38:58.837 --> 00:39:01.631
-That's right. That's right.
-[audience cheers]

715
00:39:01.715 --> 00:39:02.924
He went down there.

716
00:39:03.008 --> 00:39:05.302
He's living it up down there.

717
00:39:05.385 --> 00:39:07.804
He's got a heart-shaped hot tub
with a wheelchair ramp.

718
00:39:07.888 --> 00:39:09.723
He's got the whole deal down there.

719
00:39:09.806 --> 00:39:12.976
Got a Viagra Pez dispenser
all loaded up.

720
00:39:13.935 --> 00:39:16.897
He had too many Viagra,
his first night there. He woke up,

721
00:39:16.980 --> 00:39:20.484
he sees this eagle resting on the tip
of his wiener down there, with a dadgum--

722
00:39:23.904 --> 00:39:26.490
They got gangs down there.
Did you know that?

723
00:39:26.573 --> 00:39:29.576
Blue Cross-Blue Shield's
the big gang down there.

724
00:39:31.620 --> 00:39:34.206
But he did, though.
He met the girl of his dreams.

725
00:39:34.289 --> 00:39:38.251
He got invited to an over-75
swinger's party down there.

726
00:39:38.794 --> 00:39:41.171
I guess they got to playing strip poker,

727
00:39:41.254 --> 00:39:45.300
and the girl he liked got her titties
stuck in the automatic card shuffler.

728
00:39:48.678 --> 00:39:52.057
And he didn't see it happen
because he'd already lost five hands

729
00:39:52.140 --> 00:39:54.976
and had his glasses off,
so he didn't see anything.

730
00:39:56.103 --> 00:39:57.979
He went over and helped her get it out,

731
00:39:58.063 --> 00:40:00.899
and I'll tell you what, boy,
it was love at third tug.

732
00:40:02.067 --> 00:40:03.235
Oh, yeah.

733
00:40:03.944 --> 00:40:04.903
They ended up--

734
00:40:04.986 --> 00:40:07.906
He got her tickets
to Fox News on Ice.

735
00:40:08.490 --> 00:40:11.952
And he proposed to her
at Fox News on Ice.

736
00:40:12.035 --> 00:40:14.871
He got down on one knee
and two testicles, and...

737
00:40:17.374 --> 00:40:21.086
So they got married.
I didn't go to the wedding. I had COVID.

738
00:40:21.169 --> 00:40:22.420
But, uh...

739
00:40:22.504 --> 00:40:25.715
[cheers and applause]

740
00:40:30.345 --> 00:40:31.930
Said, "What are you gonna do now?"

741
00:40:32.013 --> 00:40:34.474
He goes, "I think we're gonna
settle down and have kids."

742
00:40:34.558 --> 00:40:37.102
Have kids. Have kids do what?
Mow your grass?

743
00:40:38.103 --> 00:40:40.939
Dadgum, a regular Abraham
and Sarah over here, these two.

744
00:40:42.274 --> 00:40:45.026
I got a couple of kids.
They're, uh...

745
00:40:45.110 --> 00:40:48.321
What are they, 13 months apart.

746
00:40:48.405 --> 00:40:50.699
What is that?
They call that Siamese twins--

747
00:40:50.782 --> 00:40:52.242
Irish twins.

748
00:40:52.325 --> 00:40:53.869
Not Siamese twins.

749
00:40:54.744 --> 00:40:58.331
I don't even know why they call them
Irish twins. They don't look alike.

750
00:40:58.415 --> 00:41:00.834
I don't get it.
One's black and one's Puerto Rican.

751
00:41:00.917 --> 00:41:02.502
All right, I don't know...

752
00:41:02.586 --> 00:41:04.462
I don't know what the hell's going on.

753
00:41:05.630 --> 00:41:07.340
I don't know what's going on.

754
00:41:07.424 --> 00:41:10.844
When they were little though, I had to
talk about the birds and the bees.

755
00:41:10.927 --> 00:41:13.555
It made me all scared. I figure
he'll learn everything on the school bus.

756
00:41:13.638 --> 00:41:16.683
I ain't got to teach him nothing,
but I chickened out.

757
00:41:16.766 --> 00:41:19.978
I just bought him a little cartoon book
that told all about that stuff.

758
00:41:20.061 --> 00:41:21.354
My wife is mad at me.

759
00:41:21.438 --> 00:41:24.816
"You should have just told him,
not get him that stupid book."

760
00:41:24.900 --> 00:41:25.942
What?

761
00:41:26.026 --> 00:41:28.904
It Burns When I Pee, Charlie Brown
is a good book.

762
00:41:36.786 --> 00:41:37.746
Sorry.

763
00:41:39.706 --> 00:41:41.666
I homeschool my kids.

764
00:41:42.709 --> 00:41:45.295
I heard about this article,

765
00:41:45.378 --> 00:41:48.548
uh, 75% of kids now

766
00:41:49.382 --> 00:41:52.802
uh, can't read at a fourth grade level.

767
00:41:53.386 --> 00:41:54.387
And it pissed me off.

768
00:41:54.471 --> 00:41:57.307
I couldn't believe that
when my wife read me that article.

769
00:42:02.145 --> 00:42:05.023
A lot of teachers sleeping with kids.
That freaks me out too.

770
00:42:05.106 --> 00:42:07.776
But people think that's--
But that happened when I was a kid too.

771
00:42:07.859 --> 00:42:10.403
That's been happening forever,
students sleeping with--

772
00:42:10.487 --> 00:42:12.280
I slept with my sixth grade teacher.

773
00:42:12.364 --> 00:42:13.865
That's a true story.

774
00:42:13.949 --> 00:42:17.118
And lucky for her, though,
I just turned 18.

775
00:42:17.202 --> 00:42:20.080
So nothing happened to her,
so that wasn't a big deal there.

776
00:42:25.919 --> 00:42:28.129
My boy wants to join the...

777
00:42:28.213 --> 00:42:30.757
My boy wants to join the Boy Scouts.

778
00:42:32.425 --> 00:42:35.553
I ain't too keen on that now.
They gone all woke.

779
00:42:35.637 --> 00:42:38.265
Yeah, I know. They used to be something,
but I don't know.

780
00:42:38.348 --> 00:42:41.643
It sucks too,
because I was a Boy Scout, and I loved it.

781
00:42:41.726 --> 00:42:43.144
I had all the badges.

782
00:42:43.228 --> 00:42:47.148
I even had the "I ain't gonna tell nobody
what happened on Jamboree Night" badge.

783
00:42:47.232 --> 00:42:48.775
I had that badge too.

784
00:42:48.858 --> 00:42:50.402
That was a good badge.

785
00:42:50.485 --> 00:42:53.446
That's the night I learned
how to untie knots.

786
00:42:58.034 --> 00:43:03.498
[audience cheers]

787
00:43:03.581 --> 00:43:05.917
Send your letters to this place,
all right?

788
00:43:06.001 --> 00:43:07.377
Send them to this place.

789
00:43:08.128 --> 00:43:11.881
Me and my wife just had
our 20th anniversary, wedding anniversary.

790
00:43:11.965 --> 00:43:13.133
[cheers and applause]

791
00:43:13.216 --> 00:43:15.176
She's awesome.

792
00:43:15.260 --> 00:43:18.013
And I never know what to get her.
You got to go to the chart.

793
00:43:18.096 --> 00:43:20.223
Twenty-five is silver. Fifty, gold.

794
00:43:20.307 --> 00:43:22.392
Twenty is china.

795
00:43:23.018 --> 00:43:25.979
So I ended up taking her up
to Panda Express.

796
00:43:29.190 --> 00:43:30.650
Had a nice meal up there.

797
00:43:30.734 --> 00:43:33.987
I even let her get the wontons
if she wanted to get them up there.

798
00:43:34.779 --> 00:43:37.532
We get home, she's like,
"Is there anything I can do special

799
00:43:37.615 --> 00:43:39.868
to spice up the lovemaking tonight?"

800
00:43:39.951 --> 00:43:43.580
And I'm like, "Yeah, maybe a little
enthusiasm would help out a little bit."

801
00:43:44.539 --> 00:43:47.542
You know, maybe not fold laundry
in the middle of it.

802
00:43:47.625 --> 00:43:49.044
That'd be a nice date.

803
00:43:51.796 --> 00:43:54.674
Maybe a little better foreplay,
not just "where do you want me?"

804
00:43:54.758 --> 00:43:56.509
You know, that's not a big deal.

805
00:43:57.886 --> 00:44:01.139
She's awesome, though.
When we spice things up, though,

806
00:44:01.222 --> 00:44:03.308
we do have a safe word,

807
00:44:03.391 --> 00:44:04.934
and that's "Ouch."

808
00:44:11.691 --> 00:44:14.194
She kind of got mad at me
at Valentine's Day

809
00:44:14.277 --> 00:44:18.740
because I was watching
the Ken Burns documentary

810
00:44:18.823 --> 00:44:20.617
on the Grand Ole Opry,

811
00:44:20.700 --> 00:44:22.369
and she's all ready to roll.

812
00:44:23.036 --> 00:44:24.746
And I'm like, "Well, I gotta watch it."

813
00:44:24.829 --> 00:44:28.875
I mean, my first job I ever had
in show business was the Grand Ole Opry.

814
00:44:28.958 --> 00:44:31.961
I was the emergency backstage bedazzler

815
00:44:32.045 --> 00:44:33.755
on Porter Wagoner's suit crew.

816
00:44:36.466 --> 00:44:38.593
So she says,
"Well, I'm gonna be upstairs."

817
00:44:38.676 --> 00:44:42.222
I said, "I'll be up there in a minute.
I gotta watch Lennon Sisters here."

818
00:44:42.305 --> 00:44:44.432
So that took, like, two hours all limp.

819
00:44:44.516 --> 00:44:46.434
But anyway,
halfway through Lennon Sisters,

820
00:44:46.518 --> 00:44:48.978
I got all horned up and...

821
00:44:50.814 --> 00:44:54.484
I went upstairs and put on
my rhinestone underbritches.

822
00:44:55.693 --> 00:44:58.113
I woke her up at 3:15 in the morning

823
00:44:58.196 --> 00:45:01.157
and asked her if she wanted to say hi
to Little Jimmy Dickens.

824
00:45:01.241 --> 00:45:02.534
[laughs]

825
00:45:02.617 --> 00:45:03.952
[audience cheers]

826
00:45:05.078 --> 00:45:07.831
She didn't. I ended up
sleeping on the couch that night.

827
00:45:09.999 --> 00:45:13.169
I made it up to her, though.
I took her to the testicle festival.

828
00:45:13.253 --> 00:45:14.379
That was a lot of fun.

829
00:45:14.462 --> 00:45:16.172
You ever been to a testicle festival,

830
00:45:16.256 --> 00:45:18.925
where they deep-fry the testicles
and eat the testicles?

831
00:45:19.008 --> 00:45:22.262
Oh, my gosh, It's a ball.
It's unbelievable.

832
00:45:22.345 --> 00:45:26.266
Well, I mean-- I didn't mean it like that,
but it is nuts in there, I ain't lying.

833
00:45:26.349 --> 00:45:29.102
They got-- It's a crazy deal.

834
00:45:29.185 --> 00:45:31.938
Then I came home, and my brother was over.

835
00:45:32.021 --> 00:45:34.649
His dog was licking his testicles.

836
00:45:35.608 --> 00:45:37.902
And I'm like,
"You think they're good like that?"

837
00:45:37.986 --> 00:45:40.405
"You ought to deep-fry them
every now and then, what's you oughta do."

838
00:45:41.114 --> 00:45:42.866
Put a little sauce on there.

839
00:45:45.201 --> 00:45:49.289
My brother's something else.
He's into these conspiracy theories.

840
00:45:49.372 --> 00:45:51.791
Which a lot of them
are coming true, by the way.

841
00:45:51.875 --> 00:45:54.669
I tell you what one's complete BS,

842
00:45:54.752 --> 00:45:57.505
and that's the one I get on my phone
every now and then says

843
00:45:57.589 --> 00:46:00.717
there's good-looking single women
in my neighborhood that want to meet me.

844
00:46:00.800 --> 00:46:02.427
All right? That's...

845
00:46:02.510 --> 00:46:05.221
Yeah. Fake news.

846
00:46:06.347 --> 00:46:08.266
That is fake news.

847
00:46:09.601 --> 00:46:11.728
My brother always talks about aliens.

848
00:46:11.811 --> 00:46:13.062
"We've seen aliens," he says.

849
00:46:13.146 --> 00:46:16.316
"I was fishing with Brad,
we seen aliens on the St. John's River.

850
00:46:16.399 --> 00:46:19.903
They was 12 foot tall with triangle heads
and cauliflower ears."

851
00:46:21.279 --> 00:46:23.948
"You get a picture?"
"No, we was too scared to do it."

852
00:46:24.032 --> 00:46:25.158
Too scared.

853
00:46:25.241 --> 00:46:27.911
"You know, an alligator
jumped in your boat two days ago,

854
00:46:27.994 --> 00:46:31.122
you had 40 pictures of it on Snapchat
in five minutes in there."

855
00:46:33.750 --> 00:46:35.793
It's unbelievable. Aliens.

856
00:46:35.877 --> 00:46:39.339
You know, we got billion-dollar satellites
ain't seen shit.

857
00:46:40.048 --> 00:46:44.636
But my brother and his buddy Brad
seen three of them on St. John's River.

858
00:46:45.220 --> 00:46:46.596
They're looking for them.

859
00:46:46.679 --> 00:46:49.891
There's no such thing as aliens,
and I hate to tell y'all that,

860
00:46:49.974 --> 00:46:51.142
cause some people...

861
00:46:51.226 --> 00:46:54.312
The aliens are what the government
uses to say "Look over here,"

862
00:46:54.395 --> 00:46:56.731
so they can shove something
up your hind end over here.

863
00:46:56.814 --> 00:46:58.691
That's what aliens are.

864
00:46:58.775 --> 00:47:01.402
I don't know if you ever noticed that.
That's what aliens--

865
00:47:01.486 --> 00:47:03.655
You ever notice a big story coming out,

866
00:47:03.738 --> 00:47:05.740
all of a sudden they whip out
the alien stuff?

867
00:47:05.823 --> 00:47:07.325
Trust me, if there were aliens,

868
00:47:07.408 --> 00:47:10.828
one of them would be
dating a Kardashian by now, all right?

869
00:47:10.912 --> 00:47:13.790
So there ain't no aliens.

870
00:47:16.042 --> 00:47:18.211
I remember one time,
my brother was so scared.

871
00:47:18.294 --> 00:47:20.088
We was trick-or-treating with the kids,

872
00:47:20.171 --> 00:47:24.092
and four cornfields down this old woman's
got the scariest skeleton.

873
00:47:24.175 --> 00:47:26.636
She'd win an award
if they did in the country--

874
00:47:26.719 --> 00:47:29.764
Like, you decorate houses, but they give
awards in town, but not out--

875
00:47:29.847 --> 00:47:33.268
But she got this crazy-- It's spooky.

876
00:47:33.351 --> 00:47:35.520
He never wants to go up there
with the kids.

877
00:47:35.603 --> 00:47:40.567
But this year, we got the balls
to go up there, and it was crazy.

878
00:47:40.650 --> 00:47:42.026
Turns out it was her.

879
00:47:42.110 --> 00:47:44.529
She locked herself out five years ago.

880
00:47:52.912 --> 00:47:54.831
Well, I got a crazy family.

881
00:47:54.914 --> 00:47:56.666
My sister-in-law,
I'm gonna talk about her.

882
00:47:56.749 --> 00:47:59.961
This is one of the biggest
son of a bitches I ever seen in my life.

883
00:48:00.044 --> 00:48:03.214
And I mean that in a good way.
I don't mean that in a bad way.

884
00:48:03.298 --> 00:48:04.966
He met her in college.

885
00:48:05.049 --> 00:48:08.011
And he only went to that school
because he said there's five girls

886
00:48:08.094 --> 00:48:09.846
to every guy at this college.

887
00:48:09.929 --> 00:48:11.889
And by gosh, he come home with her.

888
00:48:11.973 --> 00:48:16.060
I said, "Looks like you got all yours
in one clump right here, is what you did."

889
00:48:16.144 --> 00:48:17.729
She's a big'un, boy.

890
00:48:17.812 --> 00:48:20.148
You know what she gave my kids
for Halloween?

891
00:48:20.231 --> 00:48:21.649
Candy wrappers.

892
00:48:24.027 --> 00:48:26.195
She come over to ride horses
the other day,

893
00:48:26.279 --> 00:48:30.074
and the horse looked at me like,
"You gotta be shitting me right now."

894
00:48:32.493 --> 00:48:33.995
She got on the Tilt-A-Whirl.

895
00:48:34.078 --> 00:48:37.749
When she got off, the world was more
tilted than when she got on the thing.

896
00:48:38.583 --> 00:48:41.711
You remember that character
in James Bond,

897
00:48:41.794 --> 00:48:44.380
uh, Pussy Galore?
You remember that?

898
00:48:44.464 --> 00:48:47.133
She's Front Butt Galore, all right?

899
00:48:48.676 --> 00:48:51.721
She was the first woman in the country
to be administered

900
00:48:51.804 --> 00:48:54.432
the Moderna chili cheese COVID shot.

901
00:48:55.516 --> 00:48:58.186
And she got three cool ranch boosters.

902
00:49:00.605 --> 00:49:04.067
I don't know if you know this or not,
but this show's been over for 12 minutes.

903
00:49:04.150 --> 00:49:05.276
All right? That's...

904
00:49:10.406 --> 00:49:12.909
Anyway, my brother--
They ended up getting married.

905
00:49:12.992 --> 00:49:15.119
I didn't know, I had COVID, but...

906
00:49:19.123 --> 00:49:23.419
I shouldn't talk about fat folks, though.
I got my own dadgum problems.

907
00:49:24.003 --> 00:49:26.255
You know you're getting too fat

908
00:49:26.339 --> 00:49:29.592
when you go to microwave something,
and you look at the directions

909
00:49:29.676 --> 00:49:32.720
and you're like, "Ugh, 90 seconds?

910
00:49:34.222 --> 00:49:35.431
Really?

911
00:49:35.515 --> 00:49:37.308
I'm hungry now.

912
00:49:37.934 --> 00:49:40.603
I can't wait 90 seconds on this ravioli."

913
00:49:45.358 --> 00:49:47.360
But I've lost eight pounds in two weeks.

914
00:49:47.443 --> 00:49:51.823
And it's little hints that I had
that I needed to lose weight.

915
00:49:51.906 --> 00:49:55.535
One of the them was I was at the
department store with my wife, shopping.

916
00:49:55.618 --> 00:49:57.870
They had a fat mannequin in there.

917
00:49:58.538 --> 00:50:01.082
You know, with big fat clothes
on the fat mannequin.

918
00:50:01.165 --> 00:50:02.709
All the wokers did that.

919
00:50:02.792 --> 00:50:05.712
We got to get fat mannequins.
You don't want to offend fat people.

920
00:50:05.795 --> 00:50:08.673
Which offends me as a fat person,
I'll be honest with you.

921
00:50:09.298 --> 00:50:11.426
How am I gonna have incentive
to lose weight

922
00:50:11.509 --> 00:50:15.221
if they just got fat mannequins in there
with a bunch of fat clothes on it?

923
00:50:15.972 --> 00:50:18.141
That's where I got this shirt at,
all right?

924
00:50:19.726 --> 00:50:21.978
Anyway, I'm sitting there staring at it,

925
00:50:22.061 --> 00:50:24.689
stewing over the fat mannequin.

926
00:50:24.772 --> 00:50:29.068
Some woman come over, went like this,
looking for a tag on my shirt.

927
00:50:29.152 --> 00:50:30.778
You believe that right there?

928
00:50:32.488 --> 00:50:34.490
I'm not a fat mannequin!

929
00:50:36.868 --> 00:50:38.745
But this is what really did it for me.

930
00:50:38.828 --> 00:50:41.998
I got out of the shower the other day
and I'm toweling off like this.

931
00:50:42.081 --> 00:50:43.666
I hear somebody clapping.

932
00:50:44.250 --> 00:50:46.169
I looked back to see if it was my wife.

933
00:50:46.252 --> 00:50:47.920
It was my ass.

934
00:50:50.548 --> 00:50:52.133
You believe that?

935
00:50:52.216 --> 00:50:53.301
[applause]

936
00:50:53.384 --> 00:50:56.888
Unbelievable. My butt cheeks
were giving me a standing ovation

937
00:50:56.971 --> 00:50:58.931
right there in the dadgum window.

938
00:51:00.475 --> 00:51:01.726
What the hell?

939
00:51:04.270 --> 00:51:05.813
But I'm on a diet now.

940
00:51:07.857 --> 00:51:09.609
Anybody here on a diet?

941
00:51:11.569 --> 00:51:13.196
-[man] Nope!
-[woman] Yes.

942
00:51:13.279 --> 00:51:15.948
I'll be honest. A lot more of you
should have had your hands up.

943
00:51:25.541 --> 00:51:29.045
I actually was down 52 pounds last summer.

944
00:51:29.128 --> 00:51:32.048
That's right. I did it the right way.

945
00:51:32.131 --> 00:51:33.341
No sugar, you know.

946
00:51:33.424 --> 00:51:36.344
I tried all kinds of--
That works. No sugar, don't eat late.

947
00:51:36.427 --> 00:51:39.263
I tried a coffee enema.
You ever try a coffee enema?

948
00:51:40.056 --> 00:51:43.017
Well, if you do,
let it cool down first, all right?

949
00:51:43.100 --> 00:51:44.352
Let it do that.

950
00:51:44.435 --> 00:51:45.728
Holy smokes.

951
00:51:46.687 --> 00:51:50.399
Whoa. Probably a bad idea
to add half and half in there too,

952
00:51:50.483 --> 00:51:51.526
you know what I mean?

953
00:51:51.609 --> 00:51:52.777
That probably wasn't good.

954
00:51:53.402 --> 00:51:54.862
All I know is this.

955
00:51:54.946 --> 00:51:58.115
The best part of waking up
ain't Folgers in your butt, all right?

956
00:51:58.199 --> 00:51:59.367
I know that much.

957
00:51:59.951 --> 00:52:01.118
Dadgum.

958
00:52:02.954 --> 00:52:06.290
But I lost 52 pounds.
I thought I was looking good.

959
00:52:06.374 --> 00:52:08.668
I was looking good,
but I'm a hypochondriac,

960
00:52:08.751 --> 00:52:10.878
so if somebody says something
it freaks me out.

961
00:52:10.962 --> 00:52:12.588
For instance, I lost 52 pounds.

962
00:52:12.672 --> 00:52:14.465
I'm standing there
watching the baseball game.

963
00:52:14.549 --> 00:52:16.551
Somebody come up and goes, "Larry?"

964
00:52:16.634 --> 00:52:17.677
"Yeah?"

965
00:52:17.760 --> 00:52:18.928
"Hey, hi.

966
00:52:19.846 --> 00:52:20.888
You all right?"

967
00:52:22.557 --> 00:52:23.724
"Yeah. Why?"

968
00:52:24.350 --> 00:52:26.018
"Well, you lost a lot of weight."

969
00:52:26.644 --> 00:52:28.563
"I know. I'm trying to."

970
00:52:29.730 --> 00:52:31.816
"Oh, all right. Well, you look good."

971
00:52:31.899 --> 00:52:33.526
Evidently not.

972
00:52:34.443 --> 00:52:37.989
Evidently I look like
I'm sick and dying over here, evidently.

973
00:52:38.614 --> 00:52:40.491
So now it freaked me--
maybe I didn't lose weight--

974
00:52:40.575 --> 00:52:42.034
because maybe I'm sick.

975
00:52:42.702 --> 00:52:45.705
The only way to prove I ain't sick
is I'm gonna go home, and I did.

976
00:52:45.788 --> 00:52:48.749
I went home and ate solids for two weeks,
see if I could gain weight.

977
00:52:48.833 --> 00:52:51.043
Well, guess what?
I ain't got cancer, all right?

978
00:52:51.127 --> 00:52:52.837
Look at that. There we go.

979
00:52:52.920 --> 00:52:54.171
[applause]

980
00:52:56.257 --> 00:52:57.216
Yeah.

981
00:52:59.010 --> 00:53:01.721
I like my doctor. I got a fat doctor.

982
00:53:02.972 --> 00:53:04.557
I love a fat doctor.

983
00:53:05.349 --> 00:53:09.812
It's almost like he's winking at me when
he tells me stuff I shouldn't be doing.

984
00:53:13.649 --> 00:53:14.984
[laughs]

985
00:53:16.110 --> 00:53:18.279
"Hey, Larry, you better lay off
them buffets."

986
00:53:24.452 --> 00:53:26.996
I tell you what, I did kind of stop
going to buffets.

987
00:53:27.079 --> 00:53:28.247
And I love buffets.

988
00:53:28.331 --> 00:53:31.792
But I'm kind of germophobic
because I was in Las Vegas, and...

989
00:53:31.876 --> 00:53:35.880
Ugh, I mean,
people from a hundred different countries

990
00:53:35.963 --> 00:53:38.799
going through nine trays of food
with the same utensils?

991
00:53:38.883 --> 00:53:40.051
What the hell?

992
00:53:40.134 --> 00:53:42.219
I want up there,
I got pork chops, mac and cheese,

993
00:53:42.303 --> 00:53:44.722
pink eye and hepatitis
when I was up there.

994
00:53:49.268 --> 00:53:50.645
But I'm older now.

995
00:53:50.728 --> 00:53:53.522
You get older, you got to start
going to the doctor more.

996
00:53:53.606 --> 00:53:55.775
I'm 62 years old, you believe that?

997
00:53:55.858 --> 00:53:57.944
-[audience cheers]
-I can't believe it.

998
00:53:58.027 --> 00:53:59.153
I can't believe it.

999
00:53:59.236 --> 00:54:02.657
I'm one blood test away
from a GoFundMe page right now.

1000
00:54:04.867 --> 00:54:05.993
Sixty-two.

1001
00:54:06.077 --> 00:54:07.912
Which is odd because I don't feel 62.

1002
00:54:07.995 --> 00:54:11.749
I can still do the same stuff at to 40
I can do at 62 now.

1003
00:54:11.832 --> 00:54:16.379
Yeah, well, just shows you how out
of shape I was when I was 40 years old.

1004
00:54:17.254 --> 00:54:19.340
I was fat when I was 40.

1005
00:54:20.257 --> 00:54:22.677
But I'm the same age-- Here's the thing.

1006
00:54:22.760 --> 00:54:25.638
When I started feeling good about my age,

1007
00:54:25.721 --> 00:54:28.432
somebody sent me a note
and said, "Ha ha ha."

1008
00:54:28.516 --> 00:54:32.436
You're the same age as Angela Lansbury
in Murder, She Wrote."

1009
00:54:33.396 --> 00:54:36.107
What a kick in the nads
that is right there.

1010
00:54:36.774 --> 00:54:38.859
My grandma watched that show.

1011
00:54:38.943 --> 00:54:40.695
That's an old-person show.

1012
00:54:41.278 --> 00:54:43.572
Angela Lansbury, Murder, She Wrote.

1013
00:54:43.656 --> 00:54:45.116
You every see Angela Lansbury?

1014
00:54:45.199 --> 00:54:46.701
You ever see her? Yeah.

1015
00:54:46.784 --> 00:54:48.411
I'll be honest, she's kind of hot.

1016
00:54:51.622 --> 00:54:54.875
You know you're getting older
when your wife comes down in lingerie

1017
00:54:54.959 --> 00:54:57.712
and your first thought is,
"How much did that cost?"

1018
00:55:02.717 --> 00:55:05.845
My wife's 13 years younger than me, so...

1019
00:55:05.928 --> 00:55:07.388
she's always ready to roll.

1020
00:55:07.471 --> 00:55:09.849
And I'm like... I'm...

1021
00:55:09.932 --> 00:55:11.892
I'm scared to make love to her.
I can't make--

1022
00:55:11.976 --> 00:55:14.979
I'm breathing heavy
going up the damn stairs to get up there.

1023
00:55:15.688 --> 00:55:17.189
I mean, it ain't fun.

1024
00:55:17.273 --> 00:55:19.442
It's not even fun anymore, you know?

1025
00:55:19.525 --> 00:55:22.570
It's like a 20-second stroke
with a seizure at the end of it.

1026
00:55:22.653 --> 00:55:23.738
That's all it is.

1027
00:55:24.447 --> 00:55:27.158
I mean, I say a prayer
every time I go up there.

1028
00:55:27.783 --> 00:55:28.743
You know?

1029
00:55:28.826 --> 00:55:30.786
That ain't a heck of a way to go.

1030
00:55:30.870 --> 00:55:34.081
I don't want to die with my pants down,
you know what I mean? That ain't good.

1031
00:55:35.374 --> 00:55:37.877
And I can't hide it from my kids,
you know?

1032
00:55:37.960 --> 00:55:41.213
They know what's going on.
Come downstairs, "Where's Mom?"

1033
00:55:41.297 --> 00:55:43.549
[slurring] "She'll be down in a
minute. She's upstairs."

1034
00:55:50.848 --> 00:55:51.891
Dadgum.

1035
00:55:52.600 --> 00:55:55.311
It scares me.
It scares me to make love to her.

1036
00:55:57.563 --> 00:55:58.731
Dadgum.

1037
00:55:59.231 --> 00:56:00.941
I can't even, like...

1038
00:56:01.609 --> 00:56:05.821
Now I got to hold my breath
to cut my toenails.

1039
00:56:05.905 --> 00:56:06.781
I got...

1040
00:56:09.617 --> 00:56:12.411
Twenty-one seconds, I got to come back up
like a turtle in a pond

1041
00:56:12.495 --> 00:56:14.914
to get fresh air,
come back down every dang time.

1042
00:56:14.997 --> 00:56:16.082
Gotta get that end.

1043
00:56:16.165 --> 00:56:19.794
You know, and it's always the end piece.
I can't get the end piece over there.

1044
00:56:19.877 --> 00:56:22.546
Dadgum, I can't get the end piece
on that damn...

1045
00:56:24.840 --> 00:56:26.133
[grunts]

1046
00:56:26.217 --> 00:56:29.637
One time, I got stuck and I had
to walk like this for seven days.

1047
00:56:29.720 --> 00:56:31.555
I gradually started getting better.

1048
00:56:31.639 --> 00:56:35.017
I looked like a walking evolutionary
chart the whole time, just kind of...

1049
00:56:37.812 --> 00:56:40.564
-[audience cheers]
-Right on.

1050
00:56:41.190 --> 00:56:42.316
That's right.

1051
00:56:43.192 --> 00:56:44.401
Oh...

1052
00:56:44.485 --> 00:56:46.862
I can't laugh without coughing no more.

1053
00:56:46.946 --> 00:56:48.572
I got no lung capacity.

1054
00:56:48.656 --> 00:56:49.824
I'm always like...

1055
00:56:49.907 --> 00:56:51.992
[laughs and coughs]

1056
00:56:55.496 --> 00:56:58.040
That's when you know you're getting older,
you and your wife.

1057
00:56:58.124 --> 00:57:00.543
You're watching Seinfeld
and you laugh and cough,

1058
00:57:00.626 --> 00:57:02.837
and she laughs and pees the couch.

1059
00:57:02.920 --> 00:57:04.046
That's...

1060
00:57:07.007 --> 00:57:07.842
Uh...

1061
00:57:08.717 --> 00:57:10.886
You ever get
that old-man bubble coming up,

1062
00:57:10.970 --> 00:57:12.888
you ever get one of them,
any of you 60-year-olds?

1063
00:57:12.972 --> 00:57:14.974
You're just talking, like,
"Y'all gonna go to-- [coughs]

1064
00:57:15.057 --> 00:57:17.810
What the hell was that?
What was that thing?

1065
00:57:17.893 --> 00:57:21.063
I got phlegm shooting up
from my inner stomach area."

1066
00:57:22.064 --> 00:57:23.649
Oh, dadgum.

1067
00:57:26.610 --> 00:57:28.654
You get stuff--
I would have never dreamed

1068
00:57:28.737 --> 00:57:30.406
the injuries you get when you're older

1069
00:57:30.489 --> 00:57:32.616
that you don't even think about
when you're a kid.

1070
00:57:32.700 --> 00:57:35.744
One time I farted, ripped my taint,
had to get stitches.

1071
00:57:36.745 --> 00:57:37.830
I mean...

1072
00:57:39.665 --> 00:57:41.542
I didn't even know that was possible.

1073
00:57:44.795 --> 00:57:46.422
I can't sleep at night.

1074
00:57:47.089 --> 00:57:48.549
I got insomnia.

1075
00:57:49.592 --> 00:57:50.718
That ain't good.

1076
00:57:51.635 --> 00:57:52.803
I read a book, though.

1077
00:57:52.887 --> 00:57:54.930
If you read a book,
it'll make you tired, you go to sleep.

1078
00:57:55.014 --> 00:57:56.098
You ever done that?

1079
00:57:57.308 --> 00:57:58.225
Yeah?

1080
00:57:58.893 --> 00:58:00.728
I got a book, like, 500 pages.

1081
00:58:00.811 --> 00:58:03.147
I tried it.
I've had that book four months.

1082
00:58:04.148 --> 00:58:05.357
I'm on page three.

1083
00:58:12.281 --> 00:58:17.328
I see a commercial on late at night
for erectile dysfunction.

1084
00:58:18.037 --> 00:58:20.623
And it is the dumbest commercial
I ever seen.

1085
00:58:20.706 --> 00:58:24.043
It was people sitting on the beach
watching the sun go down.

1086
00:58:24.126 --> 00:58:27.463
Wouldn't they be watching the sun go up?
Why would it be going down?

1087
00:58:28.881 --> 00:58:32.509
And it's not a dysfunction.
It's just not functioning.

1088
00:58:33.761 --> 00:58:37.097
I'll tell you what a dysfunction would be.
This would be a dysfunction.

1089
00:58:37.681 --> 00:58:39.558
You're sleeping in bed
3:00 in the morning.

1090
00:58:39.642 --> 00:58:42.603
All of a sudden your wiener
sneaks out of bed,

1091
00:58:42.686 --> 00:58:46.565
goes down to the pantry,
eats all the Funyuns, all right? That's...

1092
00:58:48.901 --> 00:58:51.153
That's a dysfunction right there.
That's...

1093
00:58:51.237 --> 00:58:52.529
[cheers and applause]

1094
00:58:59.495 --> 00:59:02.957
You know, uh, this is a thing
that really bothers me.

1095
00:59:03.707 --> 00:59:08.003
Growing old with your favorite
rock and roll bands.

1096
00:59:09.505 --> 00:59:12.508
Oh, I remember 1987.

1097
00:59:12.591 --> 00:59:17.471
I was so excited to have seventh-row
tickets to see Foreigner.

1098
00:59:17.554 --> 00:59:19.390
[audience cheers]

1099
00:59:19.473 --> 00:59:20.808
Right over here.

1100
00:59:20.891 --> 00:59:22.559
[applause]

1101
00:59:22.643 --> 00:59:24.270
Three weeks ago,

1102
00:59:24.353 --> 00:59:27.314
I was in line with them in Vegas
at the buffet.

1103
00:59:31.151 --> 00:59:34.321
And we both had to cancel our show
because of pink eye.

1104
00:59:38.242 --> 00:59:41.620
AC/DC is now AARP.

1105
00:59:44.456 --> 00:59:46.667
I went to a concert and bought some swag.

1106
00:59:46.750 --> 00:59:51.046
I bought a T-shirt and some Thunderstruck
compression socks when I was over there.

1107
00:59:54.508 --> 00:59:58.262
How come every time Mick Jagger
gets a new girlfriend,

1108
00:59:58.345 --> 01:00:00.097
I get an Amber Alert?

1109
01:00:08.063 --> 01:00:10.232
I like the story behind the...

1110
01:00:10.733 --> 01:00:13.277
I like the story behind the songs.

1111
01:00:13.861 --> 01:00:19.575
You know, like Neil Diamond
wrote "Sweet Caroline."

1112
01:00:19.658 --> 01:00:21.869
Remember that song?
Do you know what that's about?

1113
01:00:21.952 --> 01:00:23.912
Caroline Kennedy.

1114
01:00:24.580 --> 01:00:25.748
That's true.

1115
01:00:25.831 --> 01:00:29.043
And here's another one
that you can google him over.

1116
01:00:29.126 --> 01:00:30.919
"Cracklin' Rosie."

1117
01:00:31.003 --> 01:00:35.299
He wrote that song
on a first-class flight to Los Angeles

1118
01:00:35.382 --> 01:00:37.009
sitting next to Rosie O'Donnell...

1119
01:00:38.802 --> 01:00:41.138
while she was eating pork rinds.

1120
01:00:58.238 --> 01:01:00.240
So I gotta tell you this little story.

1121
01:01:00.783 --> 01:01:01.825
Uh...

1122
01:01:01.909 --> 01:01:05.037
So I'm driving down the road a while back,

1123
01:01:05.120 --> 01:01:09.625
and there was a kid
out in front of the Subway

1124
01:01:09.708 --> 01:01:12.378
jumping up and down in a pickle suit.

1125
01:01:14.963 --> 01:01:17.091
And I was like, "Look at this loser.

1126
01:01:18.467 --> 01:01:21.845
You've made a lot of bad decisions
in your life

1127
01:01:21.929 --> 01:01:24.431
if you're in a pickle suit

1128
01:01:25.391 --> 01:01:27.893
jumping up and down
in front of a Subway

1129
01:01:27.976 --> 01:01:30.020
trying to get people to buy sandwiches."

1130
01:01:31.397 --> 01:01:33.107
And then...

1131
01:01:33.190 --> 01:01:36.527
Then I start thinking, "His poor parents."

1132
01:01:38.445 --> 01:01:42.991
Here, his poor parents
had hopes and dreams for this kid.

1133
01:01:44.618 --> 01:01:46.829
He's in a pickle suit in front of Subway.

1134
01:01:47.788 --> 01:01:49.415
That's devastating.

1135
01:01:50.707 --> 01:01:54.545
And then-- And then I started thinking,

1136
01:01:54.628 --> 01:01:56.296
"What if that was my kid?"

1137
01:01:57.840 --> 01:02:00.259
I wouldn't be too happy about it.

1138
01:02:00.342 --> 01:02:03.220
I definitely wouldn't want people
making fun of him.

1139
01:02:03.303 --> 01:02:05.139
That's my kid. I love him.

1140
01:02:06.473 --> 01:02:07.641
You know?

1141
01:02:08.350 --> 01:02:13.480
Then I felt bad for making fun of him
because I tell you what.

1142
01:02:14.690 --> 01:02:16.024
At least he's working.

1143
01:02:16.900 --> 01:02:17.943
Right?

1144
01:02:18.026 --> 01:02:20.237
-[applause]
-At least he ain't...

1145
01:02:20.320 --> 01:02:23.740
At least he ain't wasting his life
in a basement somewhere.

1146
01:02:23.824 --> 01:02:24.908
[woman] Yes!

1147
01:02:24.992 --> 01:02:26.326
You know what I'm saying?

1148
01:02:26.410 --> 01:02:27.536
-[woman] Preach!
-Yeah.

1149
01:02:27.619 --> 01:02:29.163
God bless him.

1150
01:02:29.872 --> 01:02:32.124
I'm a complete douchebag

1151
01:02:32.207 --> 01:02:34.376
for making fun of this kid

1152
01:02:34.460 --> 01:02:35.461
because he's working.

1153
01:02:35.544 --> 01:02:37.421
This is the kind of kid that's going,

1154
01:02:37.504 --> 01:02:39.548
"I don't care what I got to do,

1155
01:02:39.631 --> 01:02:41.258
but I got to make some money.

1156
01:02:41.341 --> 01:02:44.136
And if it involves me
getting in a pickle suit

1157
01:02:44.219 --> 01:02:46.805
and jumping up and down,
getting people to buy sandwiches,

1158
01:02:46.889 --> 01:02:49.933
then by gosh, I'm gonna do it
because it could lead to something else.

1159
01:02:50.017 --> 01:02:52.144
I'll save me some money,
get me a nice apartment."

1160
01:02:52.227 --> 01:02:54.229
Now I'm, like, really feeling bad.

1161
01:02:54.855 --> 01:02:56.607
I love this kid.

1162
01:02:57.316 --> 01:03:00.360
I'm the biggest cheerleader of this kid.

1163
01:03:00.444 --> 01:03:02.029
Seriously, that's awesome.

1164
01:03:02.112 --> 01:03:03.530
He's in the dadgum--

1165
01:03:03.614 --> 01:03:05.532
So I go into the store.
This is a true story.

1166
01:03:05.616 --> 01:03:08.202
I said, "Hey, I'm buying a dozen
sandwiches from you

1167
01:03:09.244 --> 01:03:10.871
because of that kid out there.

1168
01:03:11.705 --> 01:03:12.998
His work ethic.

1169
01:03:13.081 --> 01:03:15.417
Out there in the hot sun
in this pickle suit."

1170
01:03:15.501 --> 01:03:17.878
Turns out he don't even work there.

1171
01:03:17.961 --> 01:03:20.005
He's just a nut job that likes pickles.

1172
01:03:21.131 --> 01:03:22.424
[applause]

1173
01:03:32.226 --> 01:03:35.354
Well, listen, I love you guys to death.
Thank you.

1174
01:03:35.437 --> 01:03:39.358
I want to thank you for coming
to my special taping tonight.

1175
01:03:39.441 --> 01:03:41.276
-[applause]
-Thank you so much.

1176
01:03:42.194 --> 01:03:43.570
I appreciate it.

1177
01:03:44.696 --> 01:03:45.864
And, uh...

1178
01:03:46.615 --> 01:03:47.741
I...

1179
01:03:47.824 --> 01:03:50.702
You guys have been so awesome to me
throughout the years,

1180
01:03:50.786 --> 01:03:52.371
so I do appreciate it.

1181
01:03:52.454 --> 01:03:56.792
And normally, I would go and say hi
and shake hands and thank you personally,

1182
01:03:56.875 --> 01:03:59.628
but I got COVID, so I can't go out there.

1183
01:03:59.711 --> 01:04:01.922
Git-r-done!

1184
01:04:02.005 --> 01:04:03.173
[cheers and applause]

1185
01:04:03.257 --> 01:04:04.716
Thank you, everybody.

1186
01:04:06.134 --> 01:04:08.262
[rockabilly music playing]