1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:03,838 --> 00:00:05,506 [announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, 3 00:00:05,589 --> 00:00:08,175 please welcome Larry the Cable Guy. 4 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 5 00:00:08,259 --> 00:00:09,927 [cheers and applause] 6 00:00:10,010 --> 00:00:11,554 [rockabilly music playing] 7 00:00:24,650 --> 00:00:26,360 Thank you so much. 8 00:00:26,444 --> 00:00:28,904 Please do not rush the exits. 9 00:00:28,988 --> 00:00:30,614 Thank you so much. 10 00:00:31,574 --> 00:00:33,909 Doggone, thank you. Look at this, right? 11 00:00:33,993 --> 00:00:35,870 [audience cheers] 12 00:00:35,953 --> 00:00:38,706 Wow. Thank you so much. 13 00:00:39,331 --> 00:00:41,876 Gun show must be next week, I guess. 14 00:00:42,960 --> 00:00:44,795 How about this, all these lights? 15 00:00:44,879 --> 00:00:46,630 Huh? Fancy. 16 00:00:48,549 --> 00:00:52,011 Got all this on Amazon cards. You believe that? 17 00:00:53,554 --> 00:00:57,141 It's good to be here at the Capitol again, I'll tell you. 18 00:00:57,224 --> 00:00:58,851 -[audience cheers] -That's right. 19 00:00:59,393 --> 00:01:00,853 That's right. 20 00:01:00,936 --> 00:01:03,939 Which is kind of weird 'cause I ain't never been here before. 21 00:01:04,022 --> 00:01:04,940 So... 22 00:01:05,024 --> 00:01:06,567 What the hell? 23 00:01:07,902 --> 00:01:10,196 Well, thank you for coming. Hey... 24 00:01:11,322 --> 00:01:15,451 Have you ever, like, walked into a room at your house 25 00:01:15,534 --> 00:01:17,536 and you get in there and you're like, 26 00:01:17,620 --> 00:01:19,914 "What the hell did I just come in here for?" 27 00:01:19,997 --> 00:01:23,709 You ever do that? You know what sucks about that for me? 28 00:01:23,793 --> 00:01:26,879 This is the room, all right? What the hell? 29 00:01:29,882 --> 00:01:33,301 I forgot what I'm supposed to do. I'm getting old. What the hell? 30 00:01:34,804 --> 00:01:37,473 I forgot my wallet the other day at the house. 31 00:01:37,556 --> 00:01:40,726 I had to turn around and go get my wallet. I couldn't find it. 32 00:01:40,810 --> 00:01:43,729 Not the wallet, my house, all right? 33 00:01:43,813 --> 00:01:45,021 Dadgum. 34 00:01:46,065 --> 00:01:48,859 Sucks. You ever put your glasses on your head 35 00:01:48,943 --> 00:01:51,277 and then you're like, "Where the hell's my glasses at?" 36 00:01:51,362 --> 00:01:54,448 You're looking for your glasses for an hour and a half and they're on your head. 37 00:01:54,532 --> 00:01:56,491 I've done that with Q-tips. 38 00:01:59,870 --> 00:02:01,497 Sucks getting old. 39 00:02:01,580 --> 00:02:03,415 You ever say something to somebody, 40 00:02:03,499 --> 00:02:05,918 then two minutes later you're asking the same dadgum-- 41 00:02:06,001 --> 00:02:07,503 You ever do that? 42 00:02:09,922 --> 00:02:13,884 You ever, like, walk in a room and you get in there, you're like, 43 00:02:13,968 --> 00:02:16,220 "What the hell am I doing in here?" 44 00:02:16,303 --> 00:02:18,222 [audience laughs and applauds] 45 00:02:24,895 --> 00:02:27,481 Well, we're gonna have fun tonight, I tell you what. 46 00:02:27,565 --> 00:02:29,608 This is a show I'm gonna remember, 47 00:02:29,692 --> 00:02:31,777 apparently until tomorrow. 48 00:02:35,906 --> 00:02:38,576 I embarrassed myself the other day. 49 00:02:38,659 --> 00:02:41,579 I went to a gender reveal party, 50 00:02:42,413 --> 00:02:46,917 I thought we were supposed to reveal our gender and that, all right? 51 00:02:48,918 --> 00:02:52,089 I'm like, "Look I'm a boy. Look at this here, I'm a boy." 52 00:02:53,382 --> 00:02:54,633 Dadgum. 53 00:02:54,716 --> 00:02:57,094 There's a dermatologist in there, and she said, 54 00:02:57,177 --> 00:03:00,598 "You'd better get that skin tag looked at right there. That don't..." 55 00:03:07,521 --> 00:03:11,150 I had another buddy of mine went to a gender reveal party, 56 00:03:11,233 --> 00:03:14,695 and some woman was choking on finger wieners. 57 00:03:15,571 --> 00:03:17,823 Couldn't breathe. She turned blue. 58 00:03:17,907 --> 00:03:20,826 And everybody was like, "It's gonna be a boy." 59 00:03:20,910 --> 00:03:22,578 [laughs] 60 00:03:24,538 --> 00:03:25,831 Dadgum. 61 00:03:29,710 --> 00:03:32,755 Well, I'm dressed to the nines tonight, by golly. 62 00:03:32,838 --> 00:03:35,049 [audience cheers and applauds] 63 00:03:35,132 --> 00:03:38,218 Nothing I got on cost more than $9. 64 00:03:40,346 --> 00:03:42,222 This is actually-- 65 00:03:42,305 --> 00:03:43,641 I sell clothes. 66 00:03:43,724 --> 00:03:49,939 This is actually my fall/winter fat guy collection right here. 67 00:03:50,522 --> 00:03:55,903 Which is strikingly similar to my spring/summer fat guy collection 68 00:03:55,986 --> 00:03:58,072 that I like to wear. 69 00:03:58,948 --> 00:04:02,618 I got these pants at the Goodwill. 70 00:04:03,452 --> 00:04:05,120 You ever shop at the Goodwill? 71 00:04:05,746 --> 00:04:08,791 I got these at the Goodwill, and I come home and my wife goes, 72 00:04:08,874 --> 00:04:12,628 "Where'd you get them pants? I thought I took them up to the Goodwill." 73 00:04:18,716 --> 00:04:20,052 You believe that? 74 00:04:20,803 --> 00:04:24,723 I've bought these three times this year. You believe that? 75 00:04:24,807 --> 00:04:25,808 The hell? 76 00:04:28,477 --> 00:04:29,812 Well, God love you. 77 00:04:29,895 --> 00:04:31,647 I'm gonna go a little quicker tonight. 78 00:04:31,730 --> 00:04:34,692 I got ice cream in the car, and I apologize. 79 00:04:36,360 --> 00:04:40,531 It's always fun when I do shows 'cause I've been doing it a long time, 80 00:04:40,614 --> 00:04:44,994 so you never know when you'll get the celebrity pop-in, you know, 81 00:04:45,077 --> 00:04:47,329 'cause you never know who's a fan that's close 82 00:04:47,413 --> 00:04:50,040 that's gonna come over and do something, it's always fun. 83 00:04:50,124 --> 00:04:52,167 So... you wait here. 84 00:04:54,294 --> 00:04:57,715 I mean, it's never happened, but I'm just saying, all right? 85 00:04:58,590 --> 00:05:01,510 At some point, it's bound to happen. 86 00:05:02,302 --> 00:05:04,555 I mean, I never get the dadgum-- 87 00:05:04,638 --> 00:05:08,183 Foxworthy was working four blocks away my show one time, 88 00:05:08,267 --> 00:05:09,518 he didn't even show up. 89 00:05:09,601 --> 00:05:10,769 You believe that? 90 00:05:10,853 --> 00:05:12,938 That skinny bastard. What in the world? 91 00:05:14,440 --> 00:05:15,315 I love Jeff. 92 00:05:15,399 --> 00:05:18,193 I met Jeff 38 years ago 93 00:05:18,277 --> 00:05:20,696 at an RV park in Gainesville. 94 00:05:20,779 --> 00:05:22,740 He was going through my garbage. 95 00:05:24,658 --> 00:05:26,952 And I've pretended to like him ever since. 96 00:05:27,870 --> 00:05:29,246 [laughs] 97 00:05:29,788 --> 00:05:32,082 We have fun, we do some stuff on-- 98 00:05:32,166 --> 00:05:34,752 You know what we like to do, me and Jeff? 99 00:05:34,835 --> 00:05:37,504 We like to eat a bunch of Taco Bell 100 00:05:37,588 --> 00:05:42,342 and then go to the closest furniture store and fart in the recliners. 101 00:05:45,637 --> 00:05:48,557 One time, he sharted and made me buy the recliner. 102 00:05:48,640 --> 00:05:49,933 You believe that? 103 00:05:50,017 --> 00:05:51,310 What the heck is he doing? 104 00:05:54,730 --> 00:05:56,482 Here's the thing about him. 105 00:05:56,565 --> 00:05:58,942 He's still skinny. He ain't gained no weight. 106 00:06:00,110 --> 00:06:02,654 How can you be funny like that and be skinny? 107 00:06:03,363 --> 00:06:04,990 That ain't funny to me. 108 00:06:06,075 --> 00:06:09,161 This is hilarious, all right? Now that's funny. 109 00:06:09,244 --> 00:06:11,080 -[audience cheers] -[laughs] 110 00:06:11,163 --> 00:06:12,414 Stay back, ladies. 111 00:06:13,540 --> 00:06:15,125 Stay back, ladies. 112 00:06:15,209 --> 00:06:17,294 I don't want you rushing me up here. 113 00:06:18,212 --> 00:06:20,506 Look at the ladies. I can see y'all right now, 114 00:06:20,589 --> 00:06:22,549 pepper-spraying me with your eyeballs. 115 00:06:22,633 --> 00:06:24,176 I can see it right now. 116 00:06:25,385 --> 00:06:27,846 This is a body built for sin right here. 117 00:06:29,056 --> 00:06:31,683 Unfortunately, that sin is gluttony. 118 00:06:33,393 --> 00:06:35,270 I did put on a little weight. 119 00:06:35,354 --> 00:06:38,357 The government just put me on the no-fry list. 120 00:06:41,318 --> 00:06:42,820 It ain't my fault, though. 121 00:06:42,903 --> 00:06:44,947 I gained weight 'cause I hurt myself 122 00:06:45,030 --> 00:06:48,242 and couldn't do no exercise for two months. I... 123 00:06:48,325 --> 00:06:50,911 I throwed my back out twerking. 124 00:06:52,579 --> 00:06:53,664 Yeah, I was outside, 125 00:06:53,747 --> 00:06:56,750 a ladybug went down my pants and went in the crack of my ass. 126 00:06:56,834 --> 00:06:58,418 I'm trying to get him out of there. 127 00:07:02,172 --> 00:07:03,632 [audience cheers] 128 00:07:05,926 --> 00:07:07,469 Threw my back out. 129 00:07:08,762 --> 00:07:11,431 All of a sudden, [spitting sound] it comes out right there, by God. 130 00:07:12,099 --> 00:07:15,519 It went in a ladybug, it come out a stink bug, by God. 131 00:07:15,602 --> 00:07:17,104 That's how it done it. 132 00:07:17,646 --> 00:07:19,773 That's how it done it right there. 133 00:07:21,817 --> 00:07:22,985 Well... 134 00:07:24,570 --> 00:07:27,030 My show, by the way, is PG-13. 135 00:07:27,114 --> 00:07:29,449 "Pretty Good for 13 minutes." 136 00:07:31,994 --> 00:07:33,662 But if you're offended at something, 137 00:07:33,745 --> 00:07:35,873 the good news is I got a money-back guarantee. 138 00:07:35,956 --> 00:07:38,375 So I guarantee you, you ain't gonna get your money back. 139 00:07:38,457 --> 00:07:40,169 All right, that's how it's gonna be. 140 00:07:42,171 --> 00:07:44,047 But this is exciting, ain't it? 141 00:07:45,424 --> 00:07:49,887 I ain't been this excited since my church replaced their communion wafers 142 00:07:49,970 --> 00:07:51,805 with real vanilla wafers. 143 00:07:54,224 --> 00:07:57,144 We got a lot of fat folks at my church. 144 00:07:57,853 --> 00:08:00,314 You can't even lift half of them up in prayer. 145 00:08:03,734 --> 00:08:05,903 Jesus fed 5,000 men. 146 00:08:05,986 --> 00:08:09,698 That wouldn't feed three of our fat-ass elders, I guarantee you. 147 00:08:12,743 --> 00:08:15,954 My wife was gonna work at the church. She wanted to volunteer. 148 00:08:16,038 --> 00:08:19,124 But the only thing they had left was missionary position. 149 00:08:28,091 --> 00:08:29,468 Start the van. 150 00:08:34,389 --> 00:08:36,725 I worked up at the Sunday school one time. 151 00:08:36,808 --> 00:08:39,977 They coaxed me into teaching the Sunday school. 152 00:08:41,230 --> 00:08:42,940 And I done it one time. 153 00:08:43,023 --> 00:08:44,107 One time. 154 00:08:44,900 --> 00:08:47,653 They said, "Larry, it's easy. It's five-year-olds. 155 00:08:49,321 --> 00:08:51,406 You give a lesson, ask a couple of questions, 156 00:08:51,490 --> 00:08:52,824 and then you color." 157 00:08:53,784 --> 00:08:54,910 I can do that. 158 00:08:55,744 --> 00:08:58,956 I read the story, asked a question. 159 00:08:59,039 --> 00:09:02,584 First question was, who did Jesus come to save? 160 00:09:02,668 --> 00:09:05,796 Some little kid goes, "The Jews and the genitals." 161 00:09:10,759 --> 00:09:12,219 Who wants to color? 162 00:09:19,726 --> 00:09:21,770 I'll tell you what irritated me. 163 00:09:21,853 --> 00:09:23,272 They was all good, 164 00:09:23,355 --> 00:09:25,941 and then somebody come for lunch and give a little dessert. 165 00:09:26,024 --> 00:09:30,279 They gave them the marshmallow Peeps to all these five-year-olds. 166 00:09:30,362 --> 00:09:33,407 You ever eat Peeps? Them sugar marshmallows? 167 00:09:34,283 --> 00:09:36,368 They have the Easter Peeps, the Pumpkin Peeps, 168 00:09:36,451 --> 00:09:39,079 and the Christmas Peeps. They had all the Peeps down there. 169 00:09:39,162 --> 00:09:40,330 Of course, I got into the Peeps. 170 00:09:40,414 --> 00:09:44,126 I ate the entire collection of Peeps they had down there. 171 00:09:44,209 --> 00:09:46,795 I go in there to go to the bathroom. I look in the toilet. 172 00:09:46,878 --> 00:09:50,549 Holy smokes, it looked like my toilet was celebrating Pride month in there. 173 00:09:50,632 --> 00:09:52,009 All right? Dadgum. 174 00:09:52,092 --> 00:09:53,468 What the hell? 175 00:09:54,720 --> 00:09:57,973 Every color represented. It was unbelievable. 176 00:09:58,932 --> 00:10:00,267 [laughs] 177 00:10:00,350 --> 00:10:03,854 How have I not won a Grammy Award by now, all right? 178 00:10:03,937 --> 00:10:06,023 -[audience cheers] -Right? 179 00:10:09,818 --> 00:10:13,488 Yeah, that's top notch-- That's top-notch material right there. 180 00:10:15,449 --> 00:10:17,701 This show should have been $500 apiece. 181 00:10:21,455 --> 00:10:25,751 So I was on the internet, and they had a thing on there. 182 00:10:25,834 --> 00:10:29,296 You can buy dadgum sex robots now. 183 00:10:29,379 --> 00:10:30,630 $10,000. 184 00:10:30,714 --> 00:10:32,090 What is this world coming to? 185 00:10:32,174 --> 00:10:35,135 Dadgum sex robot for $10,000. 186 00:10:36,261 --> 00:10:39,348 We had rubber dolls when we was kids, they $15. 187 00:10:41,725 --> 00:10:43,435 They weren't made too good, though. 188 00:10:43,518 --> 00:10:46,313 My buddy Dougie, he overinflated it and the left titty popped 189 00:10:46,396 --> 00:10:48,857 and the nipple took his eyeball out right there. 190 00:10:48,940 --> 00:10:49,858 But, yeah... 191 00:10:51,276 --> 00:10:54,404 It was horrible. Had an eye patch for three years on there. 192 00:10:55,238 --> 00:10:57,366 That's a powerful nipple there. 193 00:10:58,867 --> 00:11:02,704 $10,000 for a dadgum sex robot. You believe it? 194 00:11:02,788 --> 00:11:05,082 20,000 if you want one that doesn't talk. 195 00:11:05,165 --> 00:11:06,833 [laughs] 196 00:11:08,168 --> 00:11:10,003 Ah, that's hilarious! 197 00:11:11,380 --> 00:11:12,672 That's funny. 198 00:11:12,756 --> 00:11:16,802 I'm hearing a lot of this for the first time myself tonight, all right? 199 00:11:18,011 --> 00:11:19,012 Oh... 200 00:11:21,223 --> 00:11:23,517 I think I got a gay vacuum cleaner. 201 00:11:24,893 --> 00:11:26,395 It's got three settings. 202 00:11:26,478 --> 00:11:29,481 Small pile, large pile and Gomer Pyle. 203 00:11:31,566 --> 00:11:32,692 [laughs] 204 00:11:32,776 --> 00:11:34,736 I know. It's a gift. 205 00:11:36,321 --> 00:11:37,447 It's a gift. 206 00:11:39,282 --> 00:11:42,244 Now you notice I'm walking a little gimpy tonight? 207 00:11:42,327 --> 00:11:43,495 I apologize. 208 00:11:43,578 --> 00:11:45,414 I was playing pickleball, 209 00:11:45,497 --> 00:11:48,040 and, uh, I threw out my pickle. 210 00:11:50,168 --> 00:11:51,753 I was playing, my pickle popped out. 211 00:11:51,837 --> 00:11:53,755 I paddled my pickle. You believe that? 212 00:11:54,881 --> 00:11:57,676 Anybody in here ever paddle your pickle? 213 00:11:58,635 --> 00:12:01,680 How about grapple your gherkin? You ever done that at all? 214 00:12:02,764 --> 00:12:04,975 Who in here wishes they'd never come here tonight? 215 00:12:05,058 --> 00:12:06,893 Anybody else at all in here? 216 00:12:07,477 --> 00:12:08,395 What the hell. 217 00:12:11,022 --> 00:12:13,650 Feel pretty good, though. I got a couple-- 218 00:12:17,779 --> 00:12:20,157 I don't know what that is. I'm gonna get that checked out. 219 00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:21,324 I don't know what that is. 220 00:12:22,117 --> 00:12:24,202 Every now and then I go into airplane mode. 221 00:12:24,286 --> 00:12:25,954 I don't know what the hell it is. 222 00:12:26,788 --> 00:12:30,709 I got that Mitch McConnell disease going on up here, whatever that is. 223 00:12:30,792 --> 00:12:32,043 You kind of freeze... 224 00:12:33,795 --> 00:12:35,130 [audience cheers] 225 00:12:39,301 --> 00:12:41,553 But I do feel pretty good. I had a-- 226 00:12:41,636 --> 00:12:45,974 I will say this. I'm kind of freaking out 'cause I missed my colonoscopy. 227 00:12:46,766 --> 00:12:48,935 So I'm kind of worried I'm gonna, like, 228 00:12:49,019 --> 00:12:50,979 turn the wrong way or something. 229 00:12:51,605 --> 00:12:56,610 A polyp's gonna jar loose off my butthole vein down there, 230 00:12:57,402 --> 00:13:00,113 go through the butthole vein up into my head, 231 00:13:01,114 --> 00:13:02,908 kill me in front of everybody. 232 00:13:03,867 --> 00:13:05,952 That'd be a heck of a way to die right there. 233 00:13:06,745 --> 00:13:11,082 Sitting up there in heaven with all the heroes of the Bible. 234 00:13:11,166 --> 00:13:12,584 All the forgiven folks 235 00:13:13,418 --> 00:13:15,378 sitting around the heavenly campfire. 236 00:13:16,546 --> 00:13:18,006 "How'd you die ma'am?" 237 00:13:18,507 --> 00:13:20,050 "Oh, Larry it was horrible." 238 00:13:21,051 --> 00:13:25,472 "There was a trailer fire and I went in to save a bunch of cats. 239 00:13:25,555 --> 00:13:28,934 And the smoke got to me and the Lord bring me home." 240 00:13:29,893 --> 00:13:30,852 "Dadgum. 241 00:13:31,978 --> 00:13:34,481 Holy shit. I mean, shoot. I meant shoot." 242 00:13:36,775 --> 00:13:37,943 "How'd you die sir?" 243 00:13:38,026 --> 00:13:39,361 "We was in Vietnam." 244 00:13:40,987 --> 00:13:43,406 "And I was attacking the Japanese. 245 00:13:43,490 --> 00:13:45,992 Which is weird 'cause we was in Vietnam, but..." 246 00:13:55,126 --> 00:13:58,296 "Anyway, the Lord brung me home. 247 00:13:58,922 --> 00:13:59,839 In battle." 248 00:13:59,923 --> 00:14:01,716 "Dadgum, that's horrible." 249 00:14:02,425 --> 00:14:04,302 "How'd you die, Larry?" 250 00:14:04,386 --> 00:14:08,348 "I was on stage at the Capitol Theatre in Clearwater, 251 00:14:08,431 --> 00:14:11,851 and I turned too quick, and a polyp come out my butthole there. 252 00:14:12,852 --> 00:14:15,146 Went into my brain, choked me out in front of everybody. 253 00:14:15,230 --> 00:14:16,231 It's crazy. 254 00:14:16,815 --> 00:14:19,859 You know what? Never mind. Don't worry about it. I'll go over here. 255 00:14:20,735 --> 00:14:24,698 I'll go talk to these people that shot themselves in the head with a potato gun. 256 00:14:24,781 --> 00:14:26,366 I'll go talk to them people. 257 00:14:26,449 --> 00:14:28,451 That's more my speed over there." 258 00:14:29,578 --> 00:14:31,413 Tell you what else is irritating me. 259 00:14:31,496 --> 00:14:34,332 I'd get a prostate check, which is no big deal. 260 00:14:34,415 --> 00:14:35,667 Figure, blood test. 261 00:14:35,750 --> 00:14:37,002 He used his finger. 262 00:14:39,045 --> 00:14:41,172 How is that not illegal now? 263 00:14:42,674 --> 00:14:45,218 He used his finger! It was no blood test! 264 00:14:45,927 --> 00:14:47,929 Then he put the glove on. He goes, "You ready?" 265 00:14:48,013 --> 00:14:49,848 I go, "I thought they done blood tests." 266 00:14:49,931 --> 00:14:52,017 He goes, "I don't do blood tests. I do finger." 267 00:14:52,100 --> 00:14:54,477 He says, "You ready?" I go, "I guess." Very unprofessional. 268 00:14:54,561 --> 00:14:56,062 He goes, "Let's git-r-done!" 269 00:14:56,896 --> 00:14:58,064 Right? 270 00:14:58,148 --> 00:14:59,232 [audience cheers] 271 00:14:59,316 --> 00:15:00,483 What in the world? 272 00:15:01,526 --> 00:15:02,902 Holy smokes. 273 00:15:03,445 --> 00:15:04,613 Dadgum. 274 00:15:04,696 --> 00:15:08,533 I was hitting notes Adele ain't never hit, all right? 275 00:15:09,367 --> 00:15:12,662 Dadgum, I didn't know I was a falsetto when I went in there. 276 00:15:13,330 --> 00:15:15,290 I went in to get a prostate check, 277 00:15:15,373 --> 00:15:17,917 I come out part of a barbershop quartet. 278 00:15:19,502 --> 00:15:22,047 The worse part of the whole prostate exam 279 00:15:22,130 --> 00:15:25,091 was having to hear the nurse throw up in the trash can. 280 00:15:30,722 --> 00:15:33,308 I remember the first time, though, 281 00:15:33,391 --> 00:15:38,980 that I ever heard somebody say "git-r-done" was at the grocery store. 282 00:15:39,064 --> 00:15:40,774 '91, '90. 283 00:15:40,857 --> 00:15:43,485 And nobody minds their business in there, and I'll tell you why. 284 00:15:43,568 --> 00:15:46,738 I was in the grocery for $5 sushi Wednesday at the Publix. 285 00:15:47,322 --> 00:15:48,281 And... 286 00:15:48,365 --> 00:15:49,866 -[whistles and laughter] -Yeah, right. 287 00:15:50,659 --> 00:15:53,953 And some guy tapped me. He goes, "You know, sushi's bad for you." 288 00:15:54,037 --> 00:15:56,623 "You'll get stomach worms and it'll kill you." 289 00:15:56,706 --> 00:15:59,417 "You'll waste away to skin and bones." 290 00:15:59,501 --> 00:16:02,504 I'm like, "Well, I think I'm all right there, buddy, all right?" 291 00:16:03,254 --> 00:16:07,258 I could get intestinal raccoons and gain ten pounds right now. 292 00:16:10,512 --> 00:16:13,264 I tell you, at the grocery store where I don't mind my own business, 293 00:16:13,348 --> 00:16:15,934 and neither do you 'cause we all do the same thing, 294 00:16:16,017 --> 00:16:19,896 is count the items of the person in front of me at the "ten items or less" line. 295 00:16:21,189 --> 00:16:24,234 Every time I go in there in a good mood, that gets me in a bad mood. 296 00:16:24,317 --> 00:16:27,112 Just sitting in there, you're talking to somebody, you're like, 297 00:16:27,195 --> 00:16:29,531 "Oh, yeah, we're gonna go to that baptism tomorrow." 298 00:16:29,614 --> 00:16:31,241 "You know, Jason's gonna get..." 299 00:16:31,324 --> 00:16:33,576 Uh... nine, ten... 300 00:16:34,661 --> 00:16:36,621 Eleven-- Eleven, twelve. 301 00:16:36,705 --> 00:16:41,167 Hey, douchebag, ten items or less is on the dadgum deal there. 302 00:16:41,251 --> 00:16:43,420 You know better. Sorry, Reverend, but I'm just saying, 303 00:16:43,503 --> 00:16:45,171 it's ten items or less. 304 00:16:45,755 --> 00:16:49,008 I don't care if you did baptize my kid, you ain't supposed to do that. 305 00:16:49,884 --> 00:16:51,344 Follow the rules. 306 00:16:53,138 --> 00:16:56,224 I remember the first time I heard somebody say "git-r-done" other than me, 307 00:16:56,307 --> 00:16:59,227 it was that day at the grocery store up there at Publix. 308 00:16:59,310 --> 00:17:01,396 Some guy was leaving the store who works there. 309 00:17:01,479 --> 00:17:04,858 And he yells back to his buddies, "See you tomorrow, git-r-done!" 310 00:17:04,941 --> 00:17:06,776 And I was like, "That's what I say." 311 00:17:08,987 --> 00:17:10,530 And then his buddy yelled back, 312 00:17:10,613 --> 00:17:12,991 "All right, git-r-done, see you tomorrow." 313 00:17:13,074 --> 00:17:14,242 That's my deal. 314 00:17:15,285 --> 00:17:17,119 So I go up to him, I go, 315 00:17:17,203 --> 00:17:18,997 "Hey, let me ask you something. 316 00:17:19,079 --> 00:17:21,458 That git-r-done, where'd you hear that at?" 317 00:17:22,125 --> 00:17:24,377 "Oh, this guy, Larry the Cable Guy. 318 00:17:24,461 --> 00:17:27,505 He said 'git-r-done' on the radio. It's hilarious." 319 00:17:27,589 --> 00:17:28,798 I said, "That's me." 320 00:17:29,549 --> 00:17:30,800 He said, "Shut up." 321 00:17:33,344 --> 00:17:35,388 I said, "No, I swear, that's me." 322 00:17:36,097 --> 00:17:38,016 I said, "Git-r-done." He says, "You're not-- 323 00:17:38,099 --> 00:17:39,309 Let me hear your 'git-r-done.'" 324 00:17:39,392 --> 00:17:40,894 I went, "Git-r-done!" 325 00:17:40,977 --> 00:17:43,855 He goes, "That ain't even close to how he does it." 326 00:17:50,570 --> 00:17:53,323 They said, "Git-r-done" in the Olympics one time. 327 00:17:53,406 --> 00:17:55,450 I couldn't believe it. This Chinese feller. 328 00:17:55,533 --> 00:17:57,160 He was doing the rings. 329 00:17:57,243 --> 00:18:00,497 He come down, and he does three flips, and he lands, and he goes like this. 330 00:18:00,580 --> 00:18:02,332 [speaking mock Chinese] 331 00:18:03,583 --> 00:18:06,294 That's "git-r-done" in Chinese. I swear to you, it is. 332 00:18:06,377 --> 00:18:09,672 I swear to you. Google it. Google it. 333 00:18:09,756 --> 00:18:11,216 [audience applauds] 334 00:18:15,428 --> 00:18:17,388 I love them Olympics. I watch them. 335 00:18:17,472 --> 00:18:20,725 And some of those Chinese girls, they're so young. 336 00:18:20,809 --> 00:18:23,019 I mean, have you ever seen how young they is? 337 00:18:23,102 --> 00:18:25,647 Matter of fact, that's who won a lot of the medals. 338 00:18:25,730 --> 00:18:27,440 That was her name, "So Young." 339 00:18:30,360 --> 00:18:33,196 I knew she was young too 'cause she got the gold medal, 340 00:18:33,279 --> 00:18:35,406 tried to take the wrapper off to get to the chocolate. 341 00:18:40,995 --> 00:18:42,831 You ever use chopsticks? 342 00:18:44,499 --> 00:18:46,084 You ever use chopsticks? 343 00:18:47,627 --> 00:18:49,671 Test two, test, test. 344 00:18:53,216 --> 00:18:55,468 Well, you take them, you balance them like this. 345 00:18:55,552 --> 00:18:58,721 You get the two chopsticks in your thumb and then you take your wrist, 346 00:18:58,805 --> 00:19:01,099 bend your wrist, and then you flip them in the trash can. 347 00:19:01,182 --> 00:19:02,517 That's how you do it. 348 00:19:02,600 --> 00:19:04,644 We're in America, not China. 349 00:19:05,520 --> 00:19:07,355 We use spoons. 350 00:19:10,400 --> 00:19:12,026 We use spoons. 351 00:19:13,361 --> 00:19:15,655 My favorite Olympics was 2008. 352 00:19:16,364 --> 00:19:18,491 Feller that won the gold medal in Ping-Pong. 353 00:19:19,117 --> 00:19:20,952 You know what his name was? I ain't lying. 354 00:19:21,035 --> 00:19:22,203 Dong Dong. 355 00:19:23,371 --> 00:19:26,040 Dong Dong took the gold in Ping-Pong. 356 00:19:27,375 --> 00:19:29,544 And he beat his brother, that's the funny part. 357 00:19:29,627 --> 00:19:32,505 Dong Dong beat Ding Dong. That was his other brother. 358 00:19:32,589 --> 00:19:34,799 That was his dumber brother, Ding Dong. 359 00:19:34,883 --> 00:19:36,801 He was the black sheep, Ding Dong. 360 00:19:37,510 --> 00:19:39,762 Never could do anything Dong Dong did. 361 00:19:39,846 --> 00:19:41,514 Poor Ding Dong. 362 00:19:41,598 --> 00:19:43,266 Dong Dong and Ding Dong. 363 00:19:44,976 --> 00:19:48,187 I'd like to see the whole Dong family on the Olympics, 364 00:19:48,271 --> 00:19:49,689 that's what I'd like to see. 365 00:19:49,772 --> 00:19:53,651 Or I'd like to see them on Family Feud. That'd be even better right there. 366 00:19:53,735 --> 00:19:55,904 Please welcome the Dong family. 367 00:19:56,821 --> 00:19:58,907 Ding, Dang, Dong, Long, 368 00:19:58,990 --> 00:20:00,325 and Jennifer. 369 00:20:04,954 --> 00:20:07,248 But I like the Olympics. I like the... 370 00:20:08,583 --> 00:20:09,709 volleyball. 371 00:20:09,792 --> 00:20:13,338 You ever watch Olympic volleyball? They got the men's volleyball in there. 372 00:20:13,421 --> 00:20:16,424 And they hit them like 110 mile an hour, 150 mile an hour. 373 00:20:16,507 --> 00:20:19,636 I like women's volleyball too, but I can't watch it too much 374 00:20:19,719 --> 00:20:21,095 'cause of my carpal tunnel. 375 00:20:21,179 --> 00:20:24,307 [audience laughter] 376 00:20:33,066 --> 00:20:36,819 I tell you-- Hey, remember the pistol shooting they had? 377 00:20:37,779 --> 00:20:39,530 The dude from Turkey. 378 00:20:39,614 --> 00:20:42,367 Everybody had fancy uniforms and equipment. 379 00:20:42,450 --> 00:20:46,037 There he is, a pair of jeans, glasses on, holding a pistol. 380 00:20:46,829 --> 00:20:49,707 I swear, if he'd have had a cigarette in his mouth, 381 00:20:49,791 --> 00:20:52,001 he'd look just like my dad on the front porch 382 00:20:52,085 --> 00:20:54,420 when the Jehovah Witnesses come over, all right? 383 00:20:56,214 --> 00:20:57,382 [laughs] 384 00:20:57,465 --> 00:21:00,510 "I'll save you some time. Turn around and go the other way now." 385 00:21:03,888 --> 00:21:06,933 I like all the running games, the marathons they got. 386 00:21:07,016 --> 00:21:09,102 I was thinking about running a marathon. 387 00:21:09,852 --> 00:21:10,895 And, uh... 388 00:21:14,482 --> 00:21:15,692 I ain't gonna do it. 389 00:21:15,775 --> 00:21:18,027 I'm just letting you know I was thinking about it. 390 00:21:18,861 --> 00:21:22,323 Believe me, I get winded when my mind races, all right? 391 00:21:24,575 --> 00:21:26,911 I did run a 5k one time. 392 00:21:26,995 --> 00:21:28,413 That's a weird story. 393 00:21:28,496 --> 00:21:30,081 I run a 5k. 394 00:21:30,873 --> 00:21:33,084 I like to golf, and my hands hurt. 395 00:21:33,167 --> 00:21:36,421 So my wife got me Copper Fit golf gloves. 396 00:21:37,046 --> 00:21:39,007 It worked. I didn't have no pain. 397 00:21:39,090 --> 00:21:40,383 I'm bragging on these gloves, 398 00:21:40,466 --> 00:21:43,594 so I guess there's a hint to lose weight or something. 399 00:21:43,678 --> 00:21:46,097 She got me a Copper Fit jogging suit. 400 00:21:47,223 --> 00:21:48,599 What is the world? 401 00:21:48,683 --> 00:21:50,685 I ended up running five miles 402 00:21:50,768 --> 00:21:53,479 trying to get away from meth heads trying to get the copper 403 00:21:53,563 --> 00:21:55,440 off my damn running suit in there. 404 00:22:00,486 --> 00:22:03,031 If you're single don't buy Copper Fit condoms, 405 00:22:03,114 --> 00:22:04,490 I'll tell you that much. 406 00:22:04,574 --> 00:22:06,534 They'll rip them right off of you. 407 00:22:07,035 --> 00:22:09,620 Do not do it. That's a tip from me right there. 408 00:22:12,123 --> 00:22:16,377 That's right. Don't do it. You ever run an obstacle course? 409 00:22:16,461 --> 00:22:17,503 You ever done that? 410 00:22:18,212 --> 00:22:20,757 Last time I was on an obstacle course, 411 00:22:21,674 --> 00:22:24,260 a bouncer chased me up a stripper pole. 412 00:22:28,389 --> 00:22:31,434 They got the 24 Hour Fitnesses now. 413 00:22:31,517 --> 00:22:33,311 Thank God. 414 00:22:33,394 --> 00:22:37,356 I don't know how many times I woke up at 4:10 in the morning 415 00:22:37,440 --> 00:22:39,192 and said, "Boy, I tell you what." 416 00:22:39,984 --> 00:22:43,488 "I wish there was a place I could go squat 600 pounds right now, 417 00:22:43,571 --> 00:22:45,073 but I don't know where it is." 418 00:22:47,075 --> 00:22:49,035 I woke up the other day at 3:00 and said, 419 00:22:49,118 --> 00:22:51,954 "I'm gonna go lift some weights down there at 24/7." 420 00:22:52,038 --> 00:22:53,873 Then I found out I ain't got a membership. 421 00:22:53,956 --> 00:22:57,502 So went down and reheated some meat loaf. 422 00:23:02,173 --> 00:23:03,633 I hate the gym. 423 00:23:04,759 --> 00:23:06,844 Every time I go to the dadgum gym, 424 00:23:06,928 --> 00:23:10,014 there's always somebody on the equipment that I want to use. 425 00:23:10,723 --> 00:23:12,183 And I tell them all the time, 426 00:23:12,266 --> 00:23:14,894 they got to get more vending machines in these places. 427 00:23:20,483 --> 00:23:22,443 I hate the treadmill too. 428 00:23:24,112 --> 00:23:25,822 Tell me this guy wasn't a weirdo. 429 00:23:25,905 --> 00:23:28,908 There was a dude on the treadmill, what an idiot. 430 00:23:29,992 --> 00:23:31,494 He had a bottle of water 431 00:23:31,577 --> 00:23:34,330 where you're supposed to put the Pringles can container. 432 00:23:42,880 --> 00:23:44,048 I hate the treadmill. 433 00:23:44,132 --> 00:23:46,259 And I was watching The Price Is Right one time. 434 00:23:46,342 --> 00:23:48,094 You talk about embarrassing. 435 00:23:48,177 --> 00:23:49,762 This is a true story. 436 00:23:49,846 --> 00:23:52,765 You can Google this, along with the Chinese "Git-r-done." 437 00:23:54,225 --> 00:23:56,727 He was a guy with no legs 438 00:23:56,811 --> 00:23:58,396 that won a treadmill. 439 00:23:59,856 --> 00:24:01,566 That's a true story. 440 00:24:02,316 --> 00:24:03,693 Guy with no legs won a treadmill. 441 00:24:03,776 --> 00:24:06,487 You'd think they'd switch the gift quick, get something else in there. 442 00:24:06,571 --> 00:24:09,365 Get a washer and dryer in there, you know? 443 00:24:09,448 --> 00:24:11,576 But not a stackable. Don't get a stackable. 444 00:24:17,915 --> 00:24:21,043 A guy with no legs won a dadgum treadmill. 445 00:24:21,127 --> 00:24:22,545 Is that not horrible? 446 00:24:22,628 --> 00:24:25,131 I can't think of nothing worse 447 00:24:25,214 --> 00:24:27,884 than having no legs and winning a treadmill. 448 00:24:28,467 --> 00:24:31,512 Except for maybe having complete use of your legs 449 00:24:31,596 --> 00:24:33,848 and winning a treadmill, all right? 450 00:24:36,309 --> 00:24:38,728 And what in the hell are they giving away a treadmill 451 00:24:38,811 --> 00:24:40,646 on The Price Is Right for anyway? 452 00:24:40,730 --> 00:24:44,275 Have you seen the contestants that run down to the row down there? 453 00:24:44,358 --> 00:24:46,110 Half of them can't make it halfway down 454 00:24:46,194 --> 00:24:49,405 before they've got to put the CPAP machine back on their dadgum face. 455 00:24:51,365 --> 00:24:56,162 Marlene, come on down. You're the next contestant on The Price... 456 00:24:57,163 --> 00:24:59,498 Paramedics, come on down. 457 00:25:01,125 --> 00:25:06,255 Which one of you five can guess Marlene's cholesterol level without going over? 458 00:25:08,466 --> 00:25:10,134 You'll win a treadmill. 459 00:25:11,886 --> 00:25:14,847 I like that Plinko game. You like Plinko? 460 00:25:14,931 --> 00:25:16,474 [audience] Yeah! 461 00:25:16,557 --> 00:25:18,434 There's a sheep in here. 462 00:25:22,605 --> 00:25:25,107 I put a Plinko game in our bedroom 463 00:25:25,191 --> 00:25:27,026 to spice up the lovemaking. 464 00:25:27,818 --> 00:25:29,320 Hey, I put a chip in there. 465 00:25:29,403 --> 00:25:31,530 Boy, spin that way. 466 00:25:31,614 --> 00:25:32,782 I'll put the chip in. 467 00:25:32,865 --> 00:25:36,244 And I got a 5% chance of some action happening that night in there. 468 00:25:37,119 --> 00:25:39,497 Which is way better than the 1% chance 469 00:25:39,580 --> 00:25:42,792 I'm currently sitting on at this moment in my life. 470 00:25:44,001 --> 00:25:47,380 My buddy and his wife, they play jacks in the bedroom. 471 00:25:48,089 --> 00:25:49,840 That's where he falls asleep, 472 00:25:49,924 --> 00:25:51,926 and he goes over to Jack the neighbor's. 473 00:25:59,934 --> 00:26:01,686 Anybody like to golf in here? 474 00:26:01,769 --> 00:26:02,853 [audience] Yeah! 475 00:26:02,937 --> 00:26:05,022 They got golf on the Olympics too. 476 00:26:05,815 --> 00:26:08,859 Golf. I got a love-hate relationship with golf. 477 00:26:08,943 --> 00:26:11,320 Golf reminds me of the DMV. 478 00:26:11,404 --> 00:26:13,990 You know, after about an hour, everybody around me, 479 00:26:14,073 --> 00:26:16,659 I want to stab them in the face, you know what I mean? 480 00:26:17,326 --> 00:26:18,577 Frigging hate golf. 481 00:26:19,453 --> 00:26:21,497 Trying to get better. I got a golf simulator. 482 00:26:21,580 --> 00:26:24,917 I was on it the other day and I had to let five people play through. 483 00:26:29,422 --> 00:26:32,758 Playing a lot of charity golf events. I enjoy doing that. 484 00:26:32,842 --> 00:26:34,927 You know, I did five last year. Well, four. 485 00:26:35,011 --> 00:26:37,930 I was gonna do five. One was for the Make-A-Wish kids, 486 00:26:38,014 --> 00:26:41,058 and their wish was for me not to participate in the golf tournament. 487 00:26:41,142 --> 00:26:42,393 So I had to do that. 488 00:26:46,230 --> 00:26:48,941 I do a lot of the celebrity pro-ams. 489 00:26:49,025 --> 00:26:52,194 I played with Bernie Sanders one time. What in the world? 490 00:26:52,987 --> 00:26:55,406 You know, it was weird. He didn't call them "mulligans." 491 00:26:55,489 --> 00:26:57,491 He said they were entitlements. 492 00:27:01,579 --> 00:27:03,289 [applause] 493 00:27:05,624 --> 00:27:07,793 Did I mention there's exits here? 494 00:27:09,211 --> 00:27:11,130 I don't know if I got the exits in. 495 00:27:11,213 --> 00:27:13,966 I play in these celebrity deals. I love them. 496 00:27:14,050 --> 00:27:16,927 I was in the American Century one in Tahoe, 497 00:27:17,011 --> 00:27:20,097 and I hit two people, busted a hotel window. 498 00:27:20,181 --> 00:27:23,309 Holy smokes, I was the only celebrity that day 499 00:27:23,392 --> 00:27:26,145 to make Golf Channel and Court TV at the same time. 500 00:27:26,228 --> 00:27:27,730 It was unbelievable. 501 00:27:27,813 --> 00:27:31,192 That's why I use two gloves, so I don't leave prints. 502 00:27:32,777 --> 00:27:34,945 A lot of people have a name for their driver. 503 00:27:35,029 --> 00:27:36,405 Mine is Exhibit A. 504 00:27:39,075 --> 00:27:42,161 But my ultimate goal in golf 505 00:27:42,244 --> 00:27:44,246 is to get to Augusta... 506 00:27:45,706 --> 00:27:48,292 and clog the toilet in the clubhouse. 507 00:27:50,211 --> 00:27:54,632 I have clogged the toilet of many of the finest clubhouse toilets 508 00:27:54,715 --> 00:27:57,301 at some of the greatest golf courses in this country. 509 00:27:57,385 --> 00:27:58,886 And I'm damn proud of it. 510 00:27:59,553 --> 00:28:01,931 I think they're starting to suspect I'm doing it, 511 00:28:02,014 --> 00:28:05,810 'cause I'm the only golfer that carries a plunger in his golf bag, all right? 512 00:28:09,230 --> 00:28:12,400 Hey, you hear that story about the ghost pooper? 513 00:28:13,567 --> 00:28:17,738 Somebody's sneaking on golf courses and pooping in golf holes. 514 00:28:18,656 --> 00:28:20,449 What a moron. 515 00:28:21,117 --> 00:28:24,328 Why don't they do what I do, use the sand trap over there? 516 00:28:24,412 --> 00:28:27,081 You know what I mean? I mean, it's got a rake. 517 00:28:27,164 --> 00:28:28,874 You can cover it up and everything. 518 00:28:28,958 --> 00:28:30,584 They'll never even know it's you, 519 00:28:30,668 --> 00:28:32,586 especially if you've got a little deer turd. 520 00:28:32,670 --> 00:28:35,756 They'll think it's a little deer or something in there, just... 521 00:28:37,800 --> 00:28:40,511 Knowing my luck, I'll get my first hole in one, 522 00:28:40,594 --> 00:28:42,346 it'll be in one of the poop holes. 523 00:28:44,515 --> 00:28:47,977 "Hey, Larry, what ball you playing?" "Titleist 1 with number 2 on it." 524 00:28:49,395 --> 00:28:51,105 Go ahead, you can keep it. 525 00:28:51,730 --> 00:28:52,690 I don't need it. 526 00:28:54,775 --> 00:28:57,069 But I would say get a professional to help you golf. 527 00:28:57,153 --> 00:29:00,865 My friends always try to help me golf, and they suck worse than I do. 528 00:29:00,948 --> 00:29:02,908 You know, "How come I'm not putting good?" 529 00:29:02,992 --> 00:29:04,952 "Well, let me show you." "You're gonna show me?" 530 00:29:05,035 --> 00:29:07,037 "Will's beating you, and he's in a wheelchair" 531 00:29:10,332 --> 00:29:12,418 I did get a professional, and that helped too. 532 00:29:12,501 --> 00:29:14,587 And now I'm throwing my clubs 20 yards further. 533 00:29:14,670 --> 00:29:17,381 I tell you, it's unbelievable. 534 00:29:17,465 --> 00:29:19,717 It really helped a lot to do that. 535 00:29:22,136 --> 00:29:24,805 But I like playing old dadgum golf. I remember... 536 00:29:25,764 --> 00:29:29,226 I was in Las Vegas, played in this golf tournament. 537 00:29:29,310 --> 00:29:31,687 Get done. 2002. 538 00:29:32,813 --> 00:29:36,775 And I'm in the lobby in the casino. 539 00:29:37,526 --> 00:29:38,819 You ain't gonna believe this. 540 00:29:38,903 --> 00:29:40,613 Henry Winkler come up to me. 541 00:29:40,696 --> 00:29:41,655 Happy Days. 542 00:29:42,615 --> 00:29:44,325 Henry Winkler, Happy Days. 543 00:29:44,408 --> 00:29:47,119 Then he goes, "Larry, can I borrow $500?" 544 00:29:47,203 --> 00:29:50,539 I'm like, "What? You're Henry Winkler from Happy Days." 545 00:29:50,623 --> 00:29:52,875 He says, "I know, but I'll tell you what. I need-- 546 00:29:52,958 --> 00:29:56,921 Give me $500, I'll meet you here in an hour, I'll give you $2500." 547 00:29:57,004 --> 00:30:00,466 Dadgum right, Henry Winkler. So, bam. 548 00:30:00,549 --> 00:30:03,260 I ain't seen Henry Winkler in 23 years, all right? 549 00:30:03,344 --> 00:30:04,303 Dadgum. 550 00:30:06,555 --> 00:30:09,183 Then I go on the internet couple years ago, 551 00:30:09,266 --> 00:30:13,854 found out I got caught up in one of them dadgum Fonzie schemes. 552 00:30:21,362 --> 00:30:22,863 [laughs] 553 00:30:23,405 --> 00:30:27,243 Thank you. Hey, the good news is we're halfway done, all right? 554 00:30:27,326 --> 00:30:28,536 That's the good news. 555 00:30:30,371 --> 00:30:33,999 Oh, time is flying, ain't it? 2025. Who'd have thunk it? 556 00:30:34,083 --> 00:30:37,086 It sure seems like yesterday I was knocking a bunch of old women over 557 00:30:37,169 --> 00:30:39,547 trying to get to the last roll of toilet paper. 558 00:30:41,966 --> 00:30:44,969 I can never figure out why that was a thing, toilet paper. 559 00:30:45,052 --> 00:30:48,305 Have you seen the size of the toilet paper they got at the Costco? 560 00:30:48,389 --> 00:30:51,183 Looks like Fred Flintstone's back tire sitting out there. 561 00:30:52,059 --> 00:30:55,312 You got major problems if you're buying round bails of toilet paper, 562 00:30:55,396 --> 00:30:57,022 that's all I got to say. 563 00:30:57,606 --> 00:31:02,027 You can always be guaranteed, though, of two things happen in this country 564 00:31:02,111 --> 00:31:03,946 if there's a major tragedy. 565 00:31:04,029 --> 00:31:07,241 One, you ain't gonna find no toilet paper nowhere. 566 00:31:08,409 --> 00:31:12,705 And number two, every dadgum radio station in the country 567 00:31:12,788 --> 00:31:15,916 is gonna be playing Lee Greenwood, "God Bless the USA." 568 00:31:16,917 --> 00:31:18,294 That's a fact. 569 00:31:19,169 --> 00:31:21,797 I was leaving the Costco a while back 570 00:31:21,880 --> 00:31:24,091 and I turned the radio on in my truck. 571 00:31:24,174 --> 00:31:26,260 Lee Greenwood singing on the radio station. 572 00:31:26,343 --> 00:31:28,345 I like, "Oh shit, what happened?" 573 00:31:30,097 --> 00:31:33,434 I called my wife, I go, "You all right?" She goes, "Yeah, why?" 574 00:31:33,517 --> 00:31:36,103 I go, "Lee Greenwood's singing on the radio in here." 575 00:31:36,186 --> 00:31:38,606 She's like, "Oh shit, run back in there and get some toilet paper, 576 00:31:38,689 --> 00:31:40,274 while you're in there. Go do that." 577 00:31:46,780 --> 00:31:49,116 The best thing to ever come out all them years was 578 00:31:49,199 --> 00:31:52,036 I got to do one excuse if I didn't want to do nothing. 579 00:31:52,119 --> 00:31:54,288 Used to have to make something up on the spot. 580 00:31:54,371 --> 00:31:55,372 They knew you were lying. 581 00:31:55,456 --> 00:31:57,583 Now you just say, "I can't do it, I got COVID." 582 00:31:59,209 --> 00:32:01,211 That's a godsend right there. 583 00:32:01,879 --> 00:32:05,591 "Hey, Larry, can you help us take three truckloads 584 00:32:05,674 --> 00:32:07,676 of sweet corn down to the fair?" 585 00:32:08,636 --> 00:32:12,723 "Oh, Jimmy, I'd love to do it, buddy, but I got COVID." 586 00:32:14,350 --> 00:32:16,560 "Oh, man, that sucks. When did you get that?" 587 00:32:16,644 --> 00:32:17,978 "Like, two hours ago." 588 00:32:21,690 --> 00:32:23,525 "You know I'd help you if I could. 589 00:32:23,609 --> 00:32:27,529 I love you, but this ain't about me. This is about you right here, all right? 590 00:32:28,155 --> 00:32:29,698 Trying to keep you safe." 591 00:32:30,783 --> 00:32:32,576 "So, what are you gonna do about it?" 592 00:32:32,660 --> 00:32:35,788 "I can't do nothing. I guess I gotta watch this Atlanta Braves double header. 593 00:32:35,871 --> 00:32:37,998 I don't know what else I'm gonna do. 594 00:32:38,082 --> 00:32:39,750 I mean, what can I do, really?" 595 00:32:41,502 --> 00:32:44,129 I like sweet corn. You like sweet corn? It's very... 596 00:32:45,089 --> 00:32:46,965 Yeah, that's good stuff right there. 597 00:32:47,049 --> 00:32:49,968 Did you know corn has male and female parts? 598 00:32:50,052 --> 00:32:52,763 There's male corn and female corn. Did you know that? 599 00:32:52,846 --> 00:32:53,889 That's true. 600 00:32:54,848 --> 00:32:57,476 That's why I've never eaten corn nuts. 601 00:33:08,070 --> 00:33:11,198 1994, where we was at the fair with my great-grandma. 602 00:33:11,281 --> 00:33:15,077 We had a tragedy. She sneezed in the porta-potty. 603 00:33:15,160 --> 00:33:19,039 And the fireman had to come get her teeth out of the porta-potty for her. 604 00:33:19,957 --> 00:33:21,083 I know. 605 00:33:22,334 --> 00:33:24,795 I didn't kiss her for 15 years. 606 00:33:27,297 --> 00:33:29,925 Then she went to get her dentures cleaned, pulled them out, 607 00:33:30,008 --> 00:33:32,344 and a corn nut rolled out of the back of there. 608 00:33:32,428 --> 00:33:33,929 [laughs] 609 00:33:34,012 --> 00:33:36,014 What? What? 610 00:33:36,098 --> 00:33:40,102 Hey, I only tell that joke for shits and grins, all right? 611 00:33:40,185 --> 00:33:41,395 That's... 612 00:33:41,478 --> 00:33:44,440 That's the only reason I tell that dadgum joke. 613 00:33:45,441 --> 00:33:48,402 My mom, I moved my mom in with me when she was 85. 614 00:33:48,485 --> 00:33:51,280 She's 88 now, but when she was 85 I was worried about her 615 00:33:51,363 --> 00:33:52,698 'cause she lived by herself. 616 00:33:52,781 --> 00:33:54,324 She'd fallen down a lot. 617 00:33:54,408 --> 00:33:56,952 And getting very forgetful, 618 00:33:57,035 --> 00:34:00,456 which actually wasn't too bad 'cause I got nine birthday cards this year. 619 00:34:02,166 --> 00:34:04,877 I know, that's almost $50. 620 00:34:08,172 --> 00:34:10,340 But I got her a Life Alert. 621 00:34:10,424 --> 00:34:13,510 When she come, I got her an apartment downstairs at our house. 622 00:34:13,594 --> 00:34:16,096 I loved having her, got her a Life Alert. 623 00:34:16,179 --> 00:34:18,849 She didn't have that thing on 45 minutes, it goes off. 624 00:34:18,931 --> 00:34:20,601 Freaked me out. I run down there. 625 00:34:20,684 --> 00:34:22,226 "What happened? You all right?" 626 00:34:22,311 --> 00:34:24,605 "What channel's Fox News on?" 627 00:34:27,983 --> 00:34:29,985 "Only for emergencies, Mom." 628 00:34:31,235 --> 00:34:34,822 About 20 minutes later, go off again. What the hell? I run down there. 629 00:34:34,907 --> 00:34:36,283 "What? Are you all right?" 630 00:34:36,784 --> 00:34:40,913 "I think Joe Biden's got Alzheimer's disease." 631 00:34:45,667 --> 00:34:50,172 "Well, you do realize you put your coffee in the refrigerator today as well? 632 00:34:50,255 --> 00:34:51,089 So you may... 633 00:34:51,965 --> 00:34:53,091 you ain't much better." 634 00:34:54,551 --> 00:34:57,846 And I love her, but that thing went off 25 times that day. 635 00:34:57,930 --> 00:34:59,348 Then the next day, 636 00:35:00,015 --> 00:35:02,309 I don't hear from her all day. 637 00:35:03,519 --> 00:35:05,854 Now it's about 9:00 at night, and I'm like... 638 00:35:05,938 --> 00:35:07,356 I'm getting kind of worried. 639 00:35:07,898 --> 00:35:11,527 So I go down the bedroom down there and I kind of crack the door open. 640 00:35:12,027 --> 00:35:13,153 There she is, 641 00:35:13,237 --> 00:35:16,240 upside down, feet flailing in the air. 642 00:35:16,323 --> 00:35:18,575 Pinned between the bed and the wall. 643 00:35:20,160 --> 00:35:22,704 And I'm like, "Why didn't you use your Life Alert?" 644 00:35:22,788 --> 00:35:25,916 She's like, "Well, I don't want to bother anybody up there." 645 00:35:29,044 --> 00:35:30,504 Oh my goodness. 646 00:35:30,587 --> 00:35:32,047 -[audience cheers] -I know. 647 00:35:32,130 --> 00:35:34,633 So she's in assisted living now, all right? 648 00:35:34,716 --> 00:35:36,051 That's what she is. 649 00:35:36,134 --> 00:35:37,135 [laughs] 650 00:35:37,219 --> 00:35:41,098 She kind of was before, except I was the assistant, all right? 651 00:35:42,140 --> 00:35:45,394 But she loves it down there. My mom, she's 88 now. 652 00:35:45,477 --> 00:35:47,646 Looks good, but not in a bikini. 653 00:35:47,729 --> 00:35:50,858 But everything else, she does is real good. 654 00:35:51,692 --> 00:35:52,985 But she loves it down there. 655 00:35:53,068 --> 00:35:55,195 I go down there the other day, she does this too. 656 00:35:55,279 --> 00:35:58,323 I go, "You loving it down here?" "Oh, it's so much fun. 657 00:35:58,407 --> 00:36:01,869 They got bingo and they got cards. But somebody's stealing from me." 658 00:36:02,870 --> 00:36:06,248 "What do you mean somebody's stealing?" "Somebody stole my sweaters." 659 00:36:07,040 --> 00:36:08,584 "Well, did you look in the refrigerator?" 660 00:36:10,335 --> 00:36:13,088 "You're not funny. Somebody stole my sweaters. 661 00:36:13,171 --> 00:36:14,715 They were nice sweaters." 662 00:36:15,716 --> 00:36:17,509 "Well, you mean to tell me, Mom, 663 00:36:17,593 --> 00:36:19,595 somebody come in your room and you weren't here 664 00:36:19,678 --> 00:36:22,556 and went past the big-screen TV, your purse, three jewelry boxes, 665 00:36:22,639 --> 00:36:26,059 and headed straight to the hamper to get them sweaters out of there?" 666 00:36:26,894 --> 00:36:28,270 "Yes, they did." 667 00:36:29,104 --> 00:36:31,857 Of course, I love her, so I got to humble her, you know. 668 00:36:31,940 --> 00:36:35,777 So I'm like, "Well, Mom, you know, I did see on the news the other day 669 00:36:35,861 --> 00:36:39,406 they got a bunch of Mexican sweater cartels in the area down here, 670 00:36:39,489 --> 00:36:40,616 so you're right." 671 00:36:43,785 --> 00:36:45,495 Then I go down there. She's with the nurse. 672 00:36:45,579 --> 00:36:46,997 She's got one of the sweaters on. 673 00:36:47,581 --> 00:36:49,416 I'm like, "Hey, I see you found your sweater." 674 00:36:49,499 --> 00:36:51,084 "What are you talking about?" 675 00:36:51,168 --> 00:36:53,045 "The one you said somebody stole from you." 676 00:36:53,128 --> 00:36:56,256 "Nobody stole-- He always thinks somebody's stealing from me." 677 00:36:59,426 --> 00:37:00,636 Now I'm a jerk. 678 00:37:02,846 --> 00:37:04,848 Make sure you go down there. She got a friend. 679 00:37:04,932 --> 00:37:08,602 I went down to visit her friend Marge. A hundred years old. It was her birthday. 680 00:37:08,685 --> 00:37:10,646 And boy, she tiny, I tell you what. 681 00:37:10,729 --> 00:37:12,940 You get tiny when you get older. 682 00:37:13,023 --> 00:37:15,984 I used to be 6'6". It's unbelievable. I'm just shrinking. 683 00:37:17,152 --> 00:37:20,030 My buddy's great-grandpa down there, 106 years old. 684 00:37:20,113 --> 00:37:23,075 The nurse carries him around like a parakeet on her shoulder. 685 00:37:25,118 --> 00:37:27,537 But Marge, they lit all the candles. 686 00:37:27,621 --> 00:37:29,957 Looked like a prairie fire down there. 687 00:37:30,040 --> 00:37:33,460 She blew out the candles, but she passed out blowing them out. 688 00:37:33,543 --> 00:37:36,838 They had to rush her to the hospital. My mom was worried about her. 689 00:37:36,922 --> 00:37:38,799 But the burn unit said she's fine. 690 00:37:39,466 --> 00:37:40,634 Even though, 691 00:37:40,717 --> 00:37:43,470 she lost both eyebrows and half her mustache. 692 00:37:43,553 --> 00:37:44,721 Uh, so... 693 00:37:46,515 --> 00:37:47,933 She'll be back on the couch 694 00:37:48,016 --> 00:37:50,227 watching Gunsmoke in no time down there. 695 00:37:52,479 --> 00:37:56,233 Here's a thing I noticed about the assisted living, 696 00:37:56,316 --> 00:37:58,652 the old folks' home, whatever you want to call it, 697 00:37:58,735 --> 00:38:00,237 is, uh, 698 00:38:00,320 --> 00:38:01,697 it's kind of sentimental 699 00:38:01,780 --> 00:38:06,243 because this is the last generation of grandmas and great-grandmas 700 00:38:06,326 --> 00:38:09,788 that got traditional grandma, great-grandma names. 701 00:38:09,871 --> 00:38:13,542 You go down there, you know, you got a Rose and a Trudy 702 00:38:13,625 --> 00:38:16,586 and a Gertie and a, you know, 703 00:38:16,670 --> 00:38:19,047 Shirley and a Bessie. 704 00:38:19,881 --> 00:38:23,135 Just think, 35 years from now you're gonna go to an old folks' home, 705 00:38:23,218 --> 00:38:27,389 bunch of old women running around there named Chloe and Britney and... 706 00:38:29,307 --> 00:38:31,977 a bunch of 90-year-old shriveled-up old women 707 00:38:32,060 --> 00:38:34,229 with unbelievable tits. 708 00:38:38,692 --> 00:38:42,904 [laughter and applause] 709 00:38:44,364 --> 00:38:45,824 That's how it is. 710 00:38:47,284 --> 00:38:49,578 That's how it is. Git-r-done, that's right. 711 00:38:50,912 --> 00:38:52,330 Now, my uncle's 88. 712 00:38:52,414 --> 00:38:55,417 He did not do assisted living. He's a pervert, is what he is. 713 00:38:55,500 --> 00:38:58,754 He went down to the villages, that's where he went to live, by gosh. 714 00:38:58,837 --> 00:39:01,631 -That's right. That's right. -[audience cheers] 715 00:39:01,715 --> 00:39:02,924 He went down there. 716 00:39:03,008 --> 00:39:05,302 He's living it up down there. 717 00:39:05,385 --> 00:39:07,804 He's got a heart-shaped hot tub with a wheelchair ramp. 718 00:39:07,888 --> 00:39:09,723 He's got the whole deal down there. 719 00:39:09,806 --> 00:39:12,976 Got a Viagra Pez dispenser all loaded up. 720 00:39:13,935 --> 00:39:16,897 He had too many Viagra, his first night there. He woke up, 721 00:39:16,980 --> 00:39:20,484 he sees this eagle resting on the tip of his wiener down there, with a dadgum-- 722 00:39:23,904 --> 00:39:26,490 They got gangs down there. Did you know that? 723 00:39:26,573 --> 00:39:29,576 Blue Cross-Blue Shield's the big gang down there. 724 00:39:31,620 --> 00:39:34,206 But he did, though. He met the girl of his dreams. 725 00:39:34,289 --> 00:39:38,251 He got invited to an over-75 swinger's party down there. 726 00:39:38,794 --> 00:39:41,171 I guess they got to playing strip poker, 727 00:39:41,254 --> 00:39:45,300 and the girl he liked got her titties stuck in the automatic card shuffler. 728 00:39:48,678 --> 00:39:52,057 And he didn't see it happen because he'd already lost five hands 729 00:39:52,140 --> 00:39:54,976 and had his glasses off, so he didn't see anything. 730 00:39:56,103 --> 00:39:57,979 He went over and helped her get it out, 731 00:39:58,063 --> 00:40:00,899 and I'll tell you what, boy, it was love at third tug. 732 00:40:02,067 --> 00:40:03,235 Oh, yeah. 733 00:40:03,944 --> 00:40:04,903 They ended up-- 734 00:40:04,986 --> 00:40:07,906 He got her tickets to Fox News on Ice. 735 00:40:08,490 --> 00:40:11,952 And he proposed to her at Fox News on Ice. 736 00:40:12,035 --> 00:40:14,871 He got down on one knee and two testicles, and... 737 00:40:17,374 --> 00:40:21,086 So they got married. I didn't go to the wedding. I had COVID. 738 00:40:21,169 --> 00:40:22,420 But, uh... 739 00:40:22,504 --> 00:40:25,715 [cheers and applause] 740 00:40:30,345 --> 00:40:31,930 Said, "What are you gonna do now?" 741 00:40:32,013 --> 00:40:34,474 He goes, "I think we're gonna settle down and have kids." 742 00:40:34,558 --> 00:40:37,102 Have kids. Have kids do what? Mow your grass? 743 00:40:38,103 --> 00:40:40,939 Dadgum, a regular Abraham and Sarah over here, these two. 744 00:40:42,274 --> 00:40:45,026 I got a couple of kids. They're, uh... 745 00:40:45,110 --> 00:40:48,321 What are they, 13 months apart. 746 00:40:48,405 --> 00:40:50,699 What is that? They call that Siamese twins-- 747 00:40:50,782 --> 00:40:52,242 Irish twins. 748 00:40:52,325 --> 00:40:53,869 Not Siamese twins. 749 00:40:54,744 --> 00:40:58,331 I don't even know why they call them Irish twins. They don't look alike. 750 00:40:58,415 --> 00:41:00,834 I don't get it. One's black and one's Puerto Rican. 751 00:41:00,917 --> 00:41:02,502 All right, I don't know... 752 00:41:02,586 --> 00:41:04,462 I don't know what the hell's going on. 753 00:41:05,630 --> 00:41:07,340 I don't know what's going on. 754 00:41:07,424 --> 00:41:10,844 When they were little though, I had to talk about the birds and the bees. 755 00:41:10,927 --> 00:41:13,555 It made me all scared. I figure he'll learn everything on the school bus. 756 00:41:13,638 --> 00:41:16,683 I ain't got to teach him nothing, but I chickened out. 757 00:41:16,766 --> 00:41:19,978 I just bought him a little cartoon book that told all about that stuff. 758 00:41:20,061 --> 00:41:21,354 My wife is mad at me. 759 00:41:21,438 --> 00:41:24,816 "You should have just told him, not get him that stupid book." 760 00:41:24,900 --> 00:41:25,942 What? 761 00:41:26,026 --> 00:41:28,904 It Burns When I Pee, Charlie Brown is a good book. 762 00:41:36,786 --> 00:41:37,746 Sorry. 763 00:41:39,706 --> 00:41:41,666 I homeschool my kids. 764 00:41:42,709 --> 00:41:45,295 I heard about this article, 765 00:41:45,378 --> 00:41:48,548 uh, 75% of kids now 766 00:41:49,382 --> 00:41:52,802 uh, can't read at a fourth grade level. 767 00:41:53,386 --> 00:41:54,387 And it pissed me off. 768 00:41:54,471 --> 00:41:57,307 I couldn't believe that when my wife read me that article. 769 00:42:02,145 --> 00:42:05,023 A lot of teachers sleeping with kids. That freaks me out too. 770 00:42:05,106 --> 00:42:07,776 But people think that's-- But that happened when I was a kid too. 771 00:42:07,859 --> 00:42:10,403 That's been happening forever, students sleeping with-- 772 00:42:10,487 --> 00:42:12,280 I slept with my sixth grade teacher. 773 00:42:12,364 --> 00:42:13,865 That's a true story. 774 00:42:13,949 --> 00:42:17,118 And lucky for her, though, I just turned 18. 775 00:42:17,202 --> 00:42:20,080 So nothing happened to her, so that wasn't a big deal there. 776 00:42:25,919 --> 00:42:28,129 My boy wants to join the... 777 00:42:28,213 --> 00:42:30,757 My boy wants to join the Boy Scouts. 778 00:42:32,425 --> 00:42:35,553 I ain't too keen on that now. They gone all woke. 779 00:42:35,637 --> 00:42:38,265 Yeah, I know. They used to be something, but I don't know. 780 00:42:38,348 --> 00:42:41,643 It sucks too, because I was a Boy Scout, and I loved it. 781 00:42:41,726 --> 00:42:43,144 I had all the badges. 782 00:42:43,228 --> 00:42:47,148 I even had the "I ain't gonna tell nobody what happened on Jamboree Night" badge. 783 00:42:47,232 --> 00:42:48,775 I had that badge too. 784 00:42:48,858 --> 00:42:50,402 That was a good badge. 785 00:42:50,485 --> 00:42:53,446 That's the night I learned how to untie knots. 786 00:42:58,034 --> 00:43:03,498 [audience cheers] 787 00:43:03,581 --> 00:43:05,917 Send your letters to this place, all right? 788 00:43:06,001 --> 00:43:07,377 Send them to this place. 789 00:43:08,128 --> 00:43:11,881 Me and my wife just had our 20th anniversary, wedding anniversary. 790 00:43:11,965 --> 00:43:13,133 [cheers and applause] 791 00:43:13,216 --> 00:43:15,176 She's awesome. 792 00:43:15,260 --> 00:43:18,013 And I never know what to get her. You got to go to the chart. 793 00:43:18,096 --> 00:43:20,223 Twenty-five is silver. Fifty, gold. 794 00:43:20,307 --> 00:43:22,392 Twenty is china. 795 00:43:23,018 --> 00:43:25,979 So I ended up taking her up to Panda Express. 796 00:43:29,190 --> 00:43:30,650 Had a nice meal up there. 797 00:43:30,734 --> 00:43:33,987 I even let her get the wontons if she wanted to get them up there. 798 00:43:34,779 --> 00:43:37,532 We get home, she's like, "Is there anything I can do special 799 00:43:37,615 --> 00:43:39,868 to spice up the lovemaking tonight?" 800 00:43:39,951 --> 00:43:43,580 And I'm like, "Yeah, maybe a little enthusiasm would help out a little bit." 801 00:43:44,539 --> 00:43:47,542 You know, maybe not fold laundry in the middle of it. 802 00:43:47,625 --> 00:43:49,044 That'd be a nice date. 803 00:43:51,796 --> 00:43:54,674 Maybe a little better foreplay, not just "where do you want me?" 804 00:43:54,758 --> 00:43:56,509 You know, that's not a big deal. 805 00:43:57,886 --> 00:44:01,139 She's awesome, though. When we spice things up, though, 806 00:44:01,222 --> 00:44:03,308 we do have a safe word, 807 00:44:03,391 --> 00:44:04,934 and that's "Ouch." 808 00:44:11,691 --> 00:44:14,194 She kind of got mad at me at Valentine's Day 809 00:44:14,277 --> 00:44:18,740 because I was watching the Ken Burns documentary 810 00:44:18,823 --> 00:44:20,617 on the Grand Ole Opry, 811 00:44:20,700 --> 00:44:22,369 and she's all ready to roll. 812 00:44:23,036 --> 00:44:24,746 And I'm like, "Well, I gotta watch it." 813 00:44:24,829 --> 00:44:28,875 I mean, my first job I ever had in show business was the Grand Ole Opry. 814 00:44:28,958 --> 00:44:31,961 I was the emergency backstage bedazzler 815 00:44:32,045 --> 00:44:33,755 on Porter Wagoner's suit crew. 816 00:44:36,466 --> 00:44:38,593 So she says, "Well, I'm gonna be upstairs." 817 00:44:38,676 --> 00:44:42,222 I said, "I'll be up there in a minute. I gotta watch Lennon Sisters here." 818 00:44:42,305 --> 00:44:44,432 So that took, like, two hours all limp. 819 00:44:44,516 --> 00:44:46,434 But anyway, halfway through Lennon Sisters, 820 00:44:46,518 --> 00:44:48,978 I got all horned up and... 821 00:44:50,814 --> 00:44:54,484 I went upstairs and put on my rhinestone underbritches. 822 00:44:55,693 --> 00:44:58,113 I woke her up at 3:15 in the morning 823 00:44:58,196 --> 00:45:01,157 and asked her if she wanted to say hi to Little Jimmy Dickens. 824 00:45:01,241 --> 00:45:02,534 [laughs] 825 00:45:02,617 --> 00:45:03,952 [audience cheers] 826 00:45:05,078 --> 00:45:07,831 She didn't. I ended up sleeping on the couch that night. 827 00:45:09,999 --> 00:45:13,169 I made it up to her, though. I took her to the testicle festival. 828 00:45:13,253 --> 00:45:14,379 That was a lot of fun. 829 00:45:14,462 --> 00:45:16,172 You ever been to a testicle festival, 830 00:45:16,256 --> 00:45:18,925 where they deep-fry the testicles and eat the testicles? 831 00:45:19,008 --> 00:45:22,262 Oh, my gosh, It's a ball. It's unbelievable. 832 00:45:22,345 --> 00:45:26,266 Well, I mean-- I didn't mean it like that, but it is nuts in there, I ain't lying. 833 00:45:26,349 --> 00:45:29,102 They got-- It's a crazy deal. 834 00:45:29,185 --> 00:45:31,938 Then I came home, and my brother was over. 835 00:45:32,021 --> 00:45:34,649 His dog was licking his testicles. 836 00:45:35,608 --> 00:45:37,902 And I'm like, "You think they're good like that?" 837 00:45:37,986 --> 00:45:40,405 "You ought to deep-fry them every now and then, what's you oughta do." 838 00:45:41,114 --> 00:45:42,866 Put a little sauce on there. 839 00:45:45,201 --> 00:45:49,289 My brother's something else. He's into these conspiracy theories. 840 00:45:49,372 --> 00:45:51,791 Which a lot of them are coming true, by the way. 841 00:45:51,875 --> 00:45:54,669 I tell you what one's complete BS, 842 00:45:54,752 --> 00:45:57,505 and that's the one I get on my phone every now and then says 843 00:45:57,589 --> 00:46:00,717 there's good-looking single women in my neighborhood that want to meet me. 844 00:46:00,800 --> 00:46:02,427 All right? That's... 845 00:46:02,510 --> 00:46:05,221 Yeah. Fake news. 846 00:46:06,347 --> 00:46:08,266 That is fake news. 847 00:46:09,601 --> 00:46:11,728 My brother always talks about aliens. 848 00:46:11,811 --> 00:46:13,062 "We've seen aliens," he says. 849 00:46:13,146 --> 00:46:16,316 "I was fishing with Brad, we seen aliens on the St. John's River. 850 00:46:16,399 --> 00:46:19,903 They was 12 foot tall with triangle heads and cauliflower ears." 851 00:46:21,279 --> 00:46:23,948 "You get a picture?" "No, we was too scared to do it." 852 00:46:24,032 --> 00:46:25,158 Too scared. 853 00:46:25,241 --> 00:46:27,911 "You know, an alligator jumped in your boat two days ago, 854 00:46:27,994 --> 00:46:31,122 you had 40 pictures of it on Snapchat in five minutes in there." 855 00:46:33,750 --> 00:46:35,793 It's unbelievable. Aliens. 856 00:46:35,877 --> 00:46:39,339 You know, we got billion-dollar satellites ain't seen shit. 857 00:46:40,048 --> 00:46:44,636 But my brother and his buddy Brad seen three of them on St. John's River. 858 00:46:45,220 --> 00:46:46,596 They're looking for them. 859 00:46:46,679 --> 00:46:49,891 There's no such thing as aliens, and I hate to tell y'all that, 860 00:46:49,974 --> 00:46:51,142 cause some people... 861 00:46:51,226 --> 00:46:54,312 The aliens are what the government uses to say "Look over here," 862 00:46:54,395 --> 00:46:56,731 so they can shove something up your hind end over here. 863 00:46:56,814 --> 00:46:58,691 That's what aliens are. 864 00:46:58,775 --> 00:47:01,402 I don't know if you ever noticed that. That's what aliens-- 865 00:47:01,486 --> 00:47:03,655 You ever notice a big story coming out, 866 00:47:03,738 --> 00:47:05,740 all of a sudden they whip out the alien stuff? 867 00:47:05,823 --> 00:47:07,325 Trust me, if there were aliens, 868 00:47:07,408 --> 00:47:10,828 one of them would be dating a Kardashian by now, all right? 869 00:47:10,912 --> 00:47:13,790 So there ain't no aliens. 870 00:47:16,042 --> 00:47:18,211 I remember one time, my brother was so scared. 871 00:47:18,294 --> 00:47:20,088 We was trick-or-treating with the kids, 872 00:47:20,171 --> 00:47:24,092 and four cornfields down this old woman's got the scariest skeleton. 873 00:47:24,175 --> 00:47:26,636 She'd win an award if they did in the country-- 874 00:47:26,719 --> 00:47:29,764 Like, you decorate houses, but they give awards in town, but not out-- 875 00:47:29,847 --> 00:47:33,268 But she got this crazy-- It's spooky. 876 00:47:33,351 --> 00:47:35,520 He never wants to go up there with the kids. 877 00:47:35,603 --> 00:47:40,567 But this year, we got the balls to go up there, and it was crazy. 878 00:47:40,650 --> 00:47:42,026 Turns out it was her. 879 00:47:42,110 --> 00:47:44,529 She locked herself out five years ago. 880 00:47:52,912 --> 00:47:54,831 Well, I got a crazy family. 881 00:47:54,914 --> 00:47:56,666 My sister-in-law, I'm gonna talk about her. 882 00:47:56,749 --> 00:47:59,961 This is one of the biggest son of a bitches I ever seen in my life. 883 00:48:00,044 --> 00:48:03,214 And I mean that in a good way. I don't mean that in a bad way. 884 00:48:03,298 --> 00:48:04,966 He met her in college. 885 00:48:05,049 --> 00:48:08,011 And he only went to that school because he said there's five girls 886 00:48:08,094 --> 00:48:09,846 to every guy at this college. 887 00:48:09,929 --> 00:48:11,889 And by gosh, he come home with her. 888 00:48:11,973 --> 00:48:16,060 I said, "Looks like you got all yours in one clump right here, is what you did." 889 00:48:16,144 --> 00:48:17,729 She's a big'un, boy. 890 00:48:17,812 --> 00:48:20,148 You know what she gave my kids for Halloween? 891 00:48:20,231 --> 00:48:21,649 Candy wrappers. 892 00:48:24,027 --> 00:48:26,195 She come over to ride horses the other day, 893 00:48:26,279 --> 00:48:30,074 and the horse looked at me like, "You gotta be shitting me right now." 894 00:48:32,493 --> 00:48:33,995 She got on the Tilt-A-Whirl. 895 00:48:34,078 --> 00:48:37,749 When she got off, the world was more tilted than when she got on the thing. 896 00:48:38,583 --> 00:48:41,711 You remember that character in James Bond, 897 00:48:41,794 --> 00:48:44,380 uh, Pussy Galore? You remember that? 898 00:48:44,464 --> 00:48:47,133 She's Front Butt Galore, all right? 899 00:48:48,676 --> 00:48:51,721 She was the first woman in the country to be administered 900 00:48:51,804 --> 00:48:54,432 the Moderna chili cheese COVID shot. 901 00:48:55,516 --> 00:48:58,186 And she got three cool ranch boosters. 902 00:49:00,605 --> 00:49:04,067 I don't know if you know this or not, but this show's been over for 12 minutes. 903 00:49:04,150 --> 00:49:05,276 All right? That's... 904 00:49:10,406 --> 00:49:12,909 Anyway, my brother-- They ended up getting married. 905 00:49:12,992 --> 00:49:15,119 I didn't know, I had COVID, but... 906 00:49:19,123 --> 00:49:23,419 I shouldn't talk about fat folks, though. I got my own dadgum problems. 907 00:49:24,003 --> 00:49:26,255 You know you're getting too fat 908 00:49:26,339 --> 00:49:29,592 when you go to microwave something, and you look at the directions 909 00:49:29,676 --> 00:49:32,720 and you're like, "Ugh, 90 seconds? 910 00:49:34,222 --> 00:49:35,431 Really? 911 00:49:35,515 --> 00:49:37,308 I'm hungry now. 912 00:49:37,934 --> 00:49:40,603 I can't wait 90 seconds on this ravioli." 913 00:49:45,358 --> 00:49:47,360 But I've lost eight pounds in two weeks. 914 00:49:47,443 --> 00:49:51,823 And it's little hints that I had that I needed to lose weight. 915 00:49:51,906 --> 00:49:55,535 One of the them was I was at the department store with my wife, shopping. 916 00:49:55,618 --> 00:49:57,870 They had a fat mannequin in there. 917 00:49:58,538 --> 00:50:01,082 You know, with big fat clothes on the fat mannequin. 918 00:50:01,165 --> 00:50:02,709 All the wokers did that. 919 00:50:02,792 --> 00:50:05,712 We got to get fat mannequins. You don't want to offend fat people. 920 00:50:05,795 --> 00:50:08,673 Which offends me as a fat person, I'll be honest with you. 921 00:50:09,298 --> 00:50:11,426 How am I gonna have incentive to lose weight 922 00:50:11,509 --> 00:50:15,221 if they just got fat mannequins in there with a bunch of fat clothes on it? 923 00:50:15,972 --> 00:50:18,141 That's where I got this shirt at, all right? 924 00:50:19,726 --> 00:50:21,978 Anyway, I'm sitting there staring at it, 925 00:50:22,061 --> 00:50:24,689 stewing over the fat mannequin. 926 00:50:24,772 --> 00:50:29,068 Some woman come over, went like this, looking for a tag on my shirt. 927 00:50:29,152 --> 00:50:30,778 You believe that right there? 928 00:50:32,488 --> 00:50:34,490 I'm not a fat mannequin! 929 00:50:36,868 --> 00:50:38,745 But this is what really did it for me. 930 00:50:38,828 --> 00:50:41,998 I got out of the shower the other day and I'm toweling off like this. 931 00:50:42,081 --> 00:50:43,666 I hear somebody clapping. 932 00:50:44,250 --> 00:50:46,169 I looked back to see if it was my wife. 933 00:50:46,252 --> 00:50:47,920 It was my ass. 934 00:50:50,548 --> 00:50:52,133 You believe that? 935 00:50:52,216 --> 00:50:53,301 [applause] 936 00:50:53,384 --> 00:50:56,888 Unbelievable. My butt cheeks were giving me a standing ovation 937 00:50:56,971 --> 00:50:58,931 right there in the dadgum window. 938 00:51:00,475 --> 00:51:01,726 What the hell? 939 00:51:04,270 --> 00:51:05,813 But I'm on a diet now. 940 00:51:07,857 --> 00:51:09,609 Anybody here on a diet? 941 00:51:11,569 --> 00:51:13,196 -[man] Nope! -[woman] Yes. 942 00:51:13,279 --> 00:51:15,948 I'll be honest. A lot more of you should have had your hands up. 943 00:51:25,541 --> 00:51:29,045 I actually was down 52 pounds last summer. 944 00:51:29,128 --> 00:51:32,048 That's right. I did it the right way. 945 00:51:32,131 --> 00:51:33,341 No sugar, you know. 946 00:51:33,424 --> 00:51:36,344 I tried all kinds of-- That works. No sugar, don't eat late. 947 00:51:36,427 --> 00:51:39,263 I tried a coffee enema. You ever try a coffee enema? 948 00:51:40,056 --> 00:51:43,017 Well, if you do, let it cool down first, all right? 949 00:51:43,100 --> 00:51:44,352 Let it do that. 950 00:51:44,435 --> 00:51:45,728 Holy smokes. 951 00:51:46,687 --> 00:51:50,399 Whoa. Probably a bad idea to add half and half in there too, 952 00:51:50,483 --> 00:51:51,526 you know what I mean? 953 00:51:51,609 --> 00:51:52,777 That probably wasn't good. 954 00:51:53,402 --> 00:51:54,862 All I know is this. 955 00:51:54,946 --> 00:51:58,115 The best part of waking up ain't Folgers in your butt, all right? 956 00:51:58,199 --> 00:51:59,367 I know that much. 957 00:51:59,951 --> 00:52:01,118 Dadgum. 958 00:52:02,954 --> 00:52:06,290 But I lost 52 pounds. I thought I was looking good. 959 00:52:06,374 --> 00:52:08,668 I was looking good, but I'm a hypochondriac, 960 00:52:08,751 --> 00:52:10,878 so if somebody says something it freaks me out. 961 00:52:10,962 --> 00:52:12,588 For instance, I lost 52 pounds. 962 00:52:12,672 --> 00:52:14,465 I'm standing there watching the baseball game. 963 00:52:14,549 --> 00:52:16,551 Somebody come up and goes, "Larry?" 964 00:52:16,634 --> 00:52:17,677 "Yeah?" 965 00:52:17,760 --> 00:52:18,928 "Hey, hi. 966 00:52:19,846 --> 00:52:20,888 You all right?" 967 00:52:22,557 --> 00:52:23,724 "Yeah. Why?" 968 00:52:24,350 --> 00:52:26,018 "Well, you lost a lot of weight." 969 00:52:26,644 --> 00:52:28,563 "I know. I'm trying to." 970 00:52:29,730 --> 00:52:31,816 "Oh, all right. Well, you look good." 971 00:52:31,899 --> 00:52:33,526 Evidently not. 972 00:52:34,443 --> 00:52:37,989 Evidently I look like I'm sick and dying over here, evidently. 973 00:52:38,614 --> 00:52:40,491 So now it freaked me-- maybe I didn't lose weight-- 974 00:52:40,575 --> 00:52:42,034 because maybe I'm sick. 975 00:52:42,702 --> 00:52:45,705 The only way to prove I ain't sick is I'm gonna go home, and I did. 976 00:52:45,788 --> 00:52:48,749 I went home and ate solids for two weeks, see if I could gain weight. 977 00:52:48,833 --> 00:52:51,043 Well, guess what? I ain't got cancer, all right? 978 00:52:51,127 --> 00:52:52,837 Look at that. There we go. 979 00:52:52,920 --> 00:52:54,171 [applause] 980 00:52:56,257 --> 00:52:57,216 Yeah. 981 00:52:59,010 --> 00:53:01,721 I like my doctor. I got a fat doctor. 982 00:53:02,972 --> 00:53:04,557 I love a fat doctor. 983 00:53:05,349 --> 00:53:09,812 It's almost like he's winking at me when he tells me stuff I shouldn't be doing. 984 00:53:13,649 --> 00:53:14,984 [laughs] 985 00:53:16,110 --> 00:53:18,279 "Hey, Larry, you better lay off them buffets." 986 00:53:24,452 --> 00:53:26,996 I tell you what, I did kind of stop going to buffets. 987 00:53:27,079 --> 00:53:28,247 And I love buffets. 988 00:53:28,331 --> 00:53:31,792 But I'm kind of germophobic because I was in Las Vegas, and... 989 00:53:31,876 --> 00:53:35,880 Ugh, I mean, people from a hundred different countries 990 00:53:35,963 --> 00:53:38,799 going through nine trays of food with the same utensils? 991 00:53:38,883 --> 00:53:40,051 What the hell? 992 00:53:40,134 --> 00:53:42,219 I want up there, I got pork chops, mac and cheese, 993 00:53:42,303 --> 00:53:44,722 pink eye and hepatitis when I was up there. 994 00:53:49,268 --> 00:53:50,645 But I'm older now. 995 00:53:50,728 --> 00:53:53,522 You get older, you got to start going to the doctor more. 996 00:53:53,606 --> 00:53:55,775 I'm 62 years old, you believe that? 997 00:53:55,858 --> 00:53:57,944 -[audience cheers] -I can't believe it. 998 00:53:58,027 --> 00:53:59,153 I can't believe it. 999 00:53:59,236 --> 00:54:02,657 I'm one blood test away from a GoFundMe page right now. 1000 00:54:04,867 --> 00:54:05,993 Sixty-two. 1001 00:54:06,077 --> 00:54:07,912 Which is odd because I don't feel 62. 1002 00:54:07,995 --> 00:54:11,749 I can still do the same stuff at to 40 I can do at 62 now. 1003 00:54:11,832 --> 00:54:16,379 Yeah, well, just shows you how out of shape I was when I was 40 years old. 1004 00:54:17,254 --> 00:54:19,340 I was fat when I was 40. 1005 00:54:20,257 --> 00:54:22,677 But I'm the same age-- Here's the thing. 1006 00:54:22,760 --> 00:54:25,638 When I started feeling good about my age, 1007 00:54:25,721 --> 00:54:28,432 somebody sent me a note and said, "Ha ha ha." 1008 00:54:28,516 --> 00:54:32,436 You're the same age as Angela Lansbury in Murder, She Wrote." 1009 00:54:33,396 --> 00:54:36,107 What a kick in the nads that is right there. 1010 00:54:36,774 --> 00:54:38,859 My grandma watched that show. 1011 00:54:38,943 --> 00:54:40,695 That's an old-person show. 1012 00:54:41,278 --> 00:54:43,572 Angela Lansbury, Murder, She Wrote. 1013 00:54:43,656 --> 00:54:45,116 You every see Angela Lansbury? 1014 00:54:45,199 --> 00:54:46,701 You ever see her? Yeah. 1015 00:54:46,784 --> 00:54:48,411 I'll be honest, she's kind of hot. 1016 00:54:51,622 --> 00:54:54,875 You know you're getting older when your wife comes down in lingerie 1017 00:54:54,959 --> 00:54:57,712 and your first thought is, "How much did that cost?" 1018 00:55:02,717 --> 00:55:05,845 My wife's 13 years younger than me, so... 1019 00:55:05,928 --> 00:55:07,388 she's always ready to roll. 1020 00:55:07,471 --> 00:55:09,849 And I'm like... I'm... 1021 00:55:09,932 --> 00:55:11,892 I'm scared to make love to her. I can't make-- 1022 00:55:11,976 --> 00:55:14,979 I'm breathing heavy going up the damn stairs to get up there. 1023 00:55:15,688 --> 00:55:17,189 I mean, it ain't fun. 1024 00:55:17,273 --> 00:55:19,442 It's not even fun anymore, you know? 1025 00:55:19,525 --> 00:55:22,570 It's like a 20-second stroke with a seizure at the end of it. 1026 00:55:22,653 --> 00:55:23,738 That's all it is. 1027 00:55:24,447 --> 00:55:27,158 I mean, I say a prayer every time I go up there. 1028 00:55:27,783 --> 00:55:28,743 You know? 1029 00:55:28,826 --> 00:55:30,786 That ain't a heck of a way to go. 1030 00:55:30,870 --> 00:55:34,081 I don't want to die with my pants down, you know what I mean? That ain't good. 1031 00:55:35,374 --> 00:55:37,877 And I can't hide it from my kids, you know? 1032 00:55:37,960 --> 00:55:41,213 They know what's going on. Come downstairs, "Where's Mom?" 1033 00:55:41,297 --> 00:55:43,549 [slurring] "She'll be down in a minute. She's upstairs." 1034 00:55:50,848 --> 00:55:51,891 Dadgum. 1035 00:55:52,600 --> 00:55:55,311 It scares me. It scares me to make love to her. 1036 00:55:57,563 --> 00:55:58,731 Dadgum. 1037 00:55:59,231 --> 00:56:00,941 I can't even, like... 1038 00:56:01,609 --> 00:56:05,821 Now I got to hold my breath to cut my toenails. 1039 00:56:05,905 --> 00:56:06,781 I got... 1040 00:56:09,617 --> 00:56:12,411 Twenty-one seconds, I got to come back up like a turtle in a pond 1041 00:56:12,495 --> 00:56:14,914 to get fresh air, come back down every dang time. 1042 00:56:14,997 --> 00:56:16,082 Gotta get that end. 1043 00:56:16,165 --> 00:56:19,794 You know, and it's always the end piece. I can't get the end piece over there. 1044 00:56:19,877 --> 00:56:22,546 Dadgum, I can't get the end piece on that damn... 1045 00:56:24,840 --> 00:56:26,133 [grunts] 1046 00:56:26,217 --> 00:56:29,637 One time, I got stuck and I had to walk like this for seven days. 1047 00:56:29,720 --> 00:56:31,555 I gradually started getting better. 1048 00:56:31,639 --> 00:56:35,017 I looked like a walking evolutionary chart the whole time, just kind of... 1049 00:56:37,812 --> 00:56:40,564 -[audience cheers] -Right on. 1050 00:56:41,190 --> 00:56:42,316 That's right. 1051 00:56:43,192 --> 00:56:44,401 Oh... 1052 00:56:44,485 --> 00:56:46,862 I can't laugh without coughing no more. 1053 00:56:46,946 --> 00:56:48,572 I got no lung capacity. 1054 00:56:48,656 --> 00:56:49,824 I'm always like... 1055 00:56:49,907 --> 00:56:51,992 [laughs and coughs] 1056 00:56:55,496 --> 00:56:58,040 That's when you know you're getting older, you and your wife. 1057 00:56:58,124 --> 00:57:00,543 You're watching Seinfeld and you laugh and cough, 1058 00:57:00,626 --> 00:57:02,837 and she laughs and pees the couch. 1059 00:57:02,920 --> 00:57:04,046 That's... 1060 00:57:07,007 --> 00:57:07,842 Uh... 1061 00:57:08,717 --> 00:57:10,886 You ever get that old-man bubble coming up, 1062 00:57:10,970 --> 00:57:12,888 you ever get one of them, any of you 60-year-olds? 1063 00:57:12,972 --> 00:57:14,974 You're just talking, like, "Y'all gonna go to-- [coughs] 1064 00:57:15,057 --> 00:57:17,810 What the hell was that? What was that thing? 1065 00:57:17,893 --> 00:57:21,063 I got phlegm shooting up from my inner stomach area." 1066 00:57:22,064 --> 00:57:23,649 Oh, dadgum. 1067 00:57:26,610 --> 00:57:28,654 You get stuff-- I would have never dreamed 1068 00:57:28,737 --> 00:57:30,406 the injuries you get when you're older 1069 00:57:30,489 --> 00:57:32,616 that you don't even think about when you're a kid. 1070 00:57:32,700 --> 00:57:35,744 One time I farted, ripped my taint, had to get stitches. 1071 00:57:36,745 --> 00:57:37,830 I mean... 1072 00:57:39,665 --> 00:57:41,542 I didn't even know that was possible. 1073 00:57:44,795 --> 00:57:46,422 I can't sleep at night. 1074 00:57:47,089 --> 00:57:48,549 I got insomnia. 1075 00:57:49,592 --> 00:57:50,718 That ain't good. 1076 00:57:51,635 --> 00:57:52,803 I read a book, though. 1077 00:57:52,887 --> 00:57:54,930 If you read a book, it'll make you tired, you go to sleep. 1078 00:57:55,014 --> 00:57:56,098 You ever done that? 1079 00:57:57,308 --> 00:57:58,225 Yeah? 1080 00:57:58,893 --> 00:58:00,728 I got a book, like, 500 pages. 1081 00:58:00,811 --> 00:58:03,147 I tried it. I've had that book four months. 1082 00:58:04,148 --> 00:58:05,357 I'm on page three. 1083 00:58:12,281 --> 00:58:17,328 I see a commercial on late at night for erectile dysfunction. 1084 00:58:18,037 --> 00:58:20,623 And it is the dumbest commercial I ever seen. 1085 00:58:20,706 --> 00:58:24,043 It was people sitting on the beach watching the sun go down. 1086 00:58:24,126 --> 00:58:27,463 Wouldn't they be watching the sun go up? Why would it be going down? 1087 00:58:28,881 --> 00:58:32,509 And it's not a dysfunction. It's just not functioning. 1088 00:58:33,761 --> 00:58:37,097 I'll tell you what a dysfunction would be. This would be a dysfunction. 1089 00:58:37,681 --> 00:58:39,558 You're sleeping in bed 3:00 in the morning. 1090 00:58:39,642 --> 00:58:42,603 All of a sudden your wiener sneaks out of bed, 1091 00:58:42,686 --> 00:58:46,565 goes down to the pantry, eats all the Funyuns, all right? That's... 1092 00:58:48,901 --> 00:58:51,153 That's a dysfunction right there. That's... 1093 00:58:51,237 --> 00:58:52,529 [cheers and applause] 1094 00:58:59,495 --> 00:59:02,957 You know, uh, this is a thing that really bothers me. 1095 00:59:03,707 --> 00:59:08,003 Growing old with your favorite rock and roll bands. 1096 00:59:09,505 --> 00:59:12,508 Oh, I remember 1987. 1097 00:59:12,591 --> 00:59:17,471 I was so excited to have seventh-row tickets to see Foreigner. 1098 00:59:17,554 --> 00:59:19,390 [audience cheers] 1099 00:59:19,473 --> 00:59:20,808 Right over here. 1100 00:59:20,891 --> 00:59:22,559 [applause] 1101 00:59:22,643 --> 00:59:24,270 Three weeks ago, 1102 00:59:24,353 --> 00:59:27,314 I was in line with them in Vegas at the buffet. 1103 00:59:31,151 --> 00:59:34,321 And we both had to cancel our show because of pink eye. 1104 00:59:38,242 --> 00:59:41,620 AC/DC is now AARP. 1105 00:59:44,456 --> 00:59:46,667 I went to a concert and bought some swag. 1106 00:59:46,750 --> 00:59:51,046 I bought a T-shirt and some Thunderstruck compression socks when I was over there. 1107 00:59:54,508 --> 00:59:58,262 How come every time Mick Jagger gets a new girlfriend, 1108 00:59:58,345 --> 01:00:00,097 I get an Amber Alert? 1109 01:00:08,063 --> 01:00:10,232 I like the story behind the... 1110 01:00:10,733 --> 01:00:13,277 I like the story behind the songs. 1111 01:00:13,861 --> 01:00:19,575 You know, like Neil Diamond wrote "Sweet Caroline." 1112 01:00:19,658 --> 01:00:21,869 Remember that song? Do you know what that's about? 1113 01:00:21,952 --> 01:00:23,912 Caroline Kennedy. 1114 01:00:24,580 --> 01:00:25,748 That's true. 1115 01:00:25,831 --> 01:00:29,043 And here's another one that you can google him over. 1116 01:00:29,126 --> 01:00:30,919 "Cracklin' Rosie." 1117 01:00:31,003 --> 01:00:35,299 He wrote that song on a first-class flight to Los Angeles 1118 01:00:35,382 --> 01:00:37,009 sitting next to Rosie O'Donnell... 1119 01:00:38,802 --> 01:00:41,138 while she was eating pork rinds. 1120 01:00:58,238 --> 01:01:00,240 So I gotta tell you this little story. 1121 01:01:00,783 --> 01:01:01,825 Uh... 1122 01:01:01,909 --> 01:01:05,037 So I'm driving down the road a while back, 1123 01:01:05,120 --> 01:01:09,625 and there was a kid out in front of the Subway 1124 01:01:09,708 --> 01:01:12,378 jumping up and down in a pickle suit. 1125 01:01:14,963 --> 01:01:17,091 And I was like, "Look at this loser. 1126 01:01:18,467 --> 01:01:21,845 You've made a lot of bad decisions in your life 1127 01:01:21,929 --> 01:01:24,431 if you're in a pickle suit 1128 01:01:25,391 --> 01:01:27,893 jumping up and down in front of a Subway 1129 01:01:27,976 --> 01:01:30,020 trying to get people to buy sandwiches." 1130 01:01:31,397 --> 01:01:33,107 And then... 1131 01:01:33,190 --> 01:01:36,527 Then I start thinking, "His poor parents." 1132 01:01:38,445 --> 01:01:42,991 Here, his poor parents had hopes and dreams for this kid. 1133 01:01:44,618 --> 01:01:46,829 He's in a pickle suit in front of Subway. 1134 01:01:47,788 --> 01:01:49,415 That's devastating. 1135 01:01:50,707 --> 01:01:54,545 And then-- And then I started thinking, 1136 01:01:54,628 --> 01:01:56,296 "What if that was my kid?" 1137 01:01:57,840 --> 01:02:00,259 I wouldn't be too happy about it. 1138 01:02:00,342 --> 01:02:03,220 I definitely wouldn't want people making fun of him. 1139 01:02:03,303 --> 01:02:05,139 That's my kid. I love him. 1140 01:02:06,473 --> 01:02:07,641 You know? 1141 01:02:08,350 --> 01:02:13,480 Then I felt bad for making fun of him because I tell you what. 1142 01:02:14,690 --> 01:02:16,024 At least he's working. 1143 01:02:16,900 --> 01:02:17,943 Right? 1144 01:02:18,026 --> 01:02:20,237 -[applause] -At least he ain't... 1145 01:02:20,320 --> 01:02:23,740 At least he ain't wasting his life in a basement somewhere. 1146 01:02:23,824 --> 01:02:24,908 [woman] Yes! 1147 01:02:24,992 --> 01:02:26,326 You know what I'm saying? 1148 01:02:26,410 --> 01:02:27,536 -[woman] Preach! -Yeah. 1149 01:02:27,619 --> 01:02:29,163 God bless him. 1150 01:02:29,872 --> 01:02:32,124 I'm a complete douchebag 1151 01:02:32,207 --> 01:02:34,376 for making fun of this kid 1152 01:02:34,460 --> 01:02:35,461 because he's working. 1153 01:02:35,544 --> 01:02:37,421 This is the kind of kid that's going, 1154 01:02:37,504 --> 01:02:39,548 "I don't care what I got to do, 1155 01:02:39,631 --> 01:02:41,258 but I got to make some money. 1156 01:02:41,341 --> 01:02:44,136 And if it involves me getting in a pickle suit 1157 01:02:44,219 --> 01:02:46,805 and jumping up and down, getting people to buy sandwiches, 1158 01:02:46,889 --> 01:02:49,933 then by gosh, I'm gonna do it because it could lead to something else. 1159 01:02:50,017 --> 01:02:52,144 I'll save me some money, get me a nice apartment." 1160 01:02:52,227 --> 01:02:54,229 Now I'm, like, really feeling bad. 1161 01:02:54,855 --> 01:02:56,607 I love this kid. 1162 01:02:57,316 --> 01:03:00,360 I'm the biggest cheerleader of this kid. 1163 01:03:00,444 --> 01:03:02,029 Seriously, that's awesome. 1164 01:03:02,112 --> 01:03:03,530 He's in the dadgum-- 1165 01:03:03,614 --> 01:03:05,532 So I go into the store. This is a true story. 1166 01:03:05,616 --> 01:03:08,202 I said, "Hey, I'm buying a dozen sandwiches from you 1167 01:03:09,244 --> 01:03:10,871 because of that kid out there. 1168 01:03:11,705 --> 01:03:12,998 His work ethic. 1169 01:03:13,081 --> 01:03:15,417 Out there in the hot sun in this pickle suit." 1170 01:03:15,501 --> 01:03:17,878 Turns out he don't even work there. 1171 01:03:17,961 --> 01:03:20,005 He's just a nut job that likes pickles. 1172 01:03:21,131 --> 01:03:22,424 [applause] 1173 01:03:32,226 --> 01:03:35,354 Well, listen, I love you guys to death. Thank you. 1174 01:03:35,437 --> 01:03:39,358 I want to thank you for coming to my special taping tonight. 1175 01:03:39,441 --> 01:03:41,276 -[applause] -Thank you so much. 1176 01:03:42,194 --> 01:03:43,570 I appreciate it. 1177 01:03:44,696 --> 01:03:45,864 And, uh... 1178 01:03:46,615 --> 01:03:47,741 I... 1179 01:03:47,824 --> 01:03:50,702 You guys have been so awesome to me throughout the years, 1180 01:03:50,786 --> 01:03:52,371 so I do appreciate it. 1181 01:03:52,454 --> 01:03:56,792 And normally, I would go and say hi and shake hands and thank you personally, 1182 01:03:56,875 --> 01:03:59,628 but I got COVID, so I can't go out there. 1183 01:03:59,711 --> 01:04:01,922 Git-r-done! 1184 01:04:02,005 --> 01:04:03,173 [cheers and applause] 1185 01:04:03,257 --> 01:04:04,716 Thank you, everybody. 1186 01:04:06,134 --> 01:04:08,262 [rockabilly music playing]