WEBVTT FILE

1
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Terrific.

2
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What's up, numb-nuts?

3
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Read 'em and weep.

4
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Van Halen at the Centrum.

5
00:00:46.213 --> 00:00:47.296
Third row!

6
00:00:47.965 --> 00:00:49.215
You should take Jolene, man.

7
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I heard she got big nipples.

8
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This is Van freakin' Halen, man.

9
00:00:52.886 --> 00:00:54.387
Get serious.

10
00:00:54.471 --> 00:00:57.181
Besides, I'm just not into girls anymore.

11
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Dude, I'm into guys, too!

12
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No, no, no, no, no.

13
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That's not what I meant.

14
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I'm into women.

15
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Hey, Mary.

16
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I got two tickets to Van Halen this weekend.

17
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What time should I pick you up?

18
00:01:38.932 --> 00:01:41.517
It is Miss McGarricle, Donny.

19
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And that's cute,
but I am your teacher, not your girlfriend.

20
00:01:45.147 --> 00:01:47.607
Whoa, Miss McGarricle,
who said anything about girlfriends?

21
00:01:47.691 --> 00:01:49.275
Let's just start with a summer fling,

22
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couple of hand jobs,

23
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no expectations.

24
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Don't get all psycho on me right away.

25
00:01:54.615 --> 00:01:57.033
That is a month's detention.

26
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What's a hand job?

27
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I don't know, but I think I want one.

28
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Can I go to the bathroom?

29
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No. No talking in detention, Mr. Berger.

30
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All right, I'm sorry for what I did.

31
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I promise I won't do it again.

32
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You're in a lot of trouble, Donny.

33
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Wait, you're not gonna tell my dad, are you?

34
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He'll kick my ass. He's crazy.

35
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What were you trying to do, anyway?

36
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Impress your friends?

37
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Well, you know, you're...

38
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You have a little crush on me?

39
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No.

40
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"No." So, you...

41
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You don't want me.

42
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No. Yeah.

43
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I don't know what
I'm supposed to say right now.

44
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Is that gum in your mouth, Donny?

45
00:02:59.388 --> 00:03:02.265
You know,
I've been watching you all year, Donny.

46
00:03:02.349 --> 00:03:04.517
When you hit that shot to beat Fairfield

47
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and you were jumping up and down
in your little Larry Bird short-shorts

48
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and sweating like a jar of pickles
in the hot sun...

49
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Oh, God.

50
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That was so hot.

51
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Is this really happening?

52
00:03:21.577 --> 00:03:23.703
This is happening.

53
00:03:23.787 --> 00:03:26.038
It's happening right now.

54
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In my office.

55
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Okay. Awesome.

56
00:03:29.668 --> 00:03:31.878
So, I'm totally in.

57
00:03:31.962 --> 00:03:33.546
How do you want to do it?

58
00:03:33.630 --> 00:03:36.716
'Cause I made sex before, lots of ways.

59
00:03:36.800 --> 00:03:39.218
So you want to go straight to hand jobs

60
00:03:39.303 --> 00:03:42.346
or eating me out or taking me from behind?

61
00:03:42.431 --> 00:03:43.723
I'll teach you.

62
00:03:43.807 --> 00:03:45.600
I'm a virgin.

63
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Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

64
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Oh, my God.

65
00:03:52.983 --> 00:03:57.194
Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

66
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Who? Me?

67
00:04:36.860 --> 00:04:38.319
Hey, Donny, what'd you get?

68
00:04:43.867 --> 00:04:45.993
And if I'm elected
eighth grade class president,

69
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I promise to...

70
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You're getting so good at this!

71
00:04:54.878 --> 00:04:57.964
I promise to do my best to lower prices at
the school stores and...

72
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All of our practice is really paying off!

73
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I like the sound of that.

74
00:05:07.432 --> 00:05:09.392
Timmy, stop. Hold on a second.

75
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My dad's gonna kick my ass.

76
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Calm down!

77
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Donny! Donny! Donny! Donny!

78
00:06:00.694 --> 00:06:01.861
Who's the man?

79
00:06:01.945 --> 00:06:05.531
Donny! Donny! Donny! Donny!

80
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Yeah! You want some of me? Who's the man?

81
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All right, everybody!

82
00:06:16.126 --> 00:06:17.376
Enough!

83
00:06:17.461 --> 00:06:19.462
I am aware that a lot of people think

84
00:06:19.629 --> 00:06:20.921
that this young man

85
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is not really a victim,
but someone that's living

86
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the ultimate teenage boy's fantasy.

87
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Absolutely.

88
00:06:28.930 --> 00:06:32.141
But this is a serious crime.

89
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Mary Beth McGarricle, rise for sentencing.

90
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The fact that this relationship

91
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has resulted in a pregnancy
and you show absolutely no remorse,

92
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saying, and I quote,

93
00:06:46.823 --> 00:06:50.743
"I would fuck that kid again and again.

94
00:06:50.827 --> 00:06:56.165
"He makes me feel like there's a rainbow
coming out of my beaver."

95
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...leaves me absolutely no choice

96
00:06:59.503 --> 00:07:01.837
but to levy the maximum penalty.

97
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Thirty years
in the Massachusetts Women's Penitentiary.

98
00:07:07.552 --> 00:07:11.097
And furthermore, the court grants custody
of the unborn child

99
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to Donald Berger's father...

100
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Dumb-ass.

101
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...until Donald turns 1 8,

102
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at which time he will assume full custody.

103
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Take care of our baby, Donny!

104
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Miss McGarricle!

105
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I'll never stop loving you!

106
00:07:25.695 --> 00:07:27.822
That is just fucking mental.

107
00:07:59.354 --> 00:08:01.313
The kid is young, he's attractive,

108
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he can probably keep a hard-on
longer than this fucking guy.

109
00:08:15.287 --> 00:08:16.996
Made you flinch, pansy.

110
00:08:17.706 --> 00:08:18.747
Go ahead! I don't need you!

111
00:08:18.832 --> 00:08:20.749
l'm Donny freakin' Berger!

112
00:08:21.084 --> 00:08:23.961
l'm wicked famous
and l got a wicked big schlong!

113
00:08:24.129 --> 00:08:27.131
Hey, here's something.
Donny Berger's back in the news.

114
00:08:27.215 --> 00:08:28.340
That kid who got his teacher pregnant?

115
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-Exactly.
-l love that guy.

116
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Seems Iike he bought a round Iast night.

117
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Okay.

118
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For everybody in Boston Garden.

119
00:08:34.264 --> 00:08:36.348
Oh, my God, he's my hero.

120
00:08:36.433 --> 00:08:40.561
That kid is burning through that money,
but he's having a good time doing it.

121
00:08:58.538 --> 00:08:59.830
So, guy, how'd we do?

122
00:08:59.915 --> 00:09:02.041
What them fuckers at the IRS say?

123
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Well, they said a lot of stuff.

124
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The thing that really jumped out

125
00:09:05.003 --> 00:09:08.380
-was "three years in prison."
-Three years?

126
00:09:08.465 --> 00:09:10.841
Yeah, you haven't paid taxes
since '94, Donny.

127
00:09:10.926 --> 00:09:13.761
What... I thought they were
taking it out automatically!

128
00:09:13.845 --> 00:09:15.429
I told them that's what you thought,

129
00:09:15.513 --> 00:09:17.431
and they said
it's the stupidest thing they ever heard.

130
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But there is some good news.

131
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If you can pay
the balance off by the end of the weekend,

132
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they'll suspend the sentence.

133
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Oh, okay, there you go.

134
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What are we talking about? Hit me.

135
00:09:26.149 --> 00:09:27.274
Forty-three thousand.

136
00:09:27.359 --> 00:09:28.567
Forty-three grand?

137
00:09:28.652 --> 00:09:29.818
No!

138
00:09:31.571 --> 00:09:32.905
Come on, Donny!

139
00:09:32.989 --> 00:09:34.615
Don't screw up my Tom Brady poster.

140
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It's my favorite one.

141
00:09:36.201 --> 00:09:37.826
Look at that jaw line.

142
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Just the right amount of scruff.

143
00:09:40.497 --> 00:09:42.665
I'm sorry! I'm just freaking out here!

144
00:09:42.749 --> 00:09:44.333
I don't got 43 grand!

145
00:09:44.417 --> 00:09:46.168
Well, look, hey, good news.

146
00:09:46.253 --> 00:09:47.836
Monday's Memorial Day,

147
00:09:47.921 --> 00:09:49.755
so you don't need
to get the money till Tuesday.

148
00:09:49.839 --> 00:09:53.175
All right. That'll give me time to
sell my diamond Lamborghini!

149
00:09:54.135 --> 00:09:55.970
Hey, hey, hey! You're killing me, man!

150
00:09:56.054 --> 00:09:58.013
Don't mess with the genius.

151
00:09:58.098 --> 00:10:00.933
Jimmy, I got $28 to my name.

152
00:10:01.017 --> 00:10:02.434
Twenty-eight, huh? Okay.

153
00:10:02.519 --> 00:10:05.187
I got a hot tip on a long shot
that just might come in.

154
00:10:05.355 --> 00:10:06.689
-What is it, a horse?
-No.

155
00:10:07.357 --> 00:10:10.776
This is Tubby Tuke, fat guy.

156
00:10:10.860 --> 00:10:12.278
Fat guy?

157
00:10:12.362 --> 00:10:15.864
Gonna run the marathon.
Odds on him winning are 8,000-to-1 .

158
00:10:15.949 --> 00:10:17.950
But this cat's got wheels on him.

159
00:10:18.034 --> 00:10:19.952
I think he's gonna win, I really do.

160
00:10:20.036 --> 00:10:23.497
All right, I'll put 20 on the fat fuck,
but I can't count on that.

161
00:10:23.581 --> 00:10:25.624
It's a long shot, you said it yourself.

162
00:10:25.709 --> 00:10:26.875
But what about your kid?

163
00:10:26.960 --> 00:10:28.252
Maybe he can come up with the dough.

164
00:10:28.712 --> 00:10:29.962
We don't talk no more.

165
00:10:30.046 --> 00:10:32.006
He kind of moved out when he turned 1 8,

166
00:10:32.090 --> 00:10:34.008
and that's the last I seen of him.

167
00:10:34.092 --> 00:10:35.884
-What happened?
-I don't know.

168
00:10:36.553 --> 00:10:40.389
I loved that little Han Solo
more than anything in the world, too.

169
00:10:41.891 --> 00:10:44.143
-You named your kid Han Solo?
-Yes, sir.

170
00:10:44.227 --> 00:10:45.644
Han Solo Berger?

171
00:10:45.729 --> 00:10:47.187
Coolest name in the world, right?

172
00:10:47.272 --> 00:10:48.731
Why don't you just Facebook him?

173
00:10:48.815 --> 00:10:51.317
I can't afford that shit.
What am I, a billionaire?

174
00:10:51.901 --> 00:10:54.486
I don't think he wants to be found, anyways.

175
00:10:54.571 --> 00:10:56.572
Especially by me.

176
00:11:10.003 --> 00:11:11.587
Hey, look! It's us!

177
00:11:11.671 --> 00:11:13.839
-On the cover!
-Don't we look great?

178
00:11:13.923 --> 00:11:15.174
Yeah, well, you look good.

179
00:11:15.258 --> 00:11:16.759
I kind of look like a ventriloquist.

180
00:11:18.428 --> 00:11:20.679
I don't know, it's still kind of weird, right?

181
00:11:20.764 --> 00:11:22.681
I mean, it's got our faces and our names.

182
00:11:22.766 --> 00:11:24.600
It just seems like anyone could find us.

183
00:11:24.684 --> 00:11:28.187
"Find us"?
Honey, did you take your Xanax today?

184
00:11:28.271 --> 00:11:29.355
Yeah, two.

185
00:11:29.439 --> 00:11:31.815
I always double down
when your parents are in town.

186
00:11:32.484 --> 00:11:34.068
Do you have your security undies?

187
00:11:34.152 --> 00:11:35.527
-Yep, right here.
-Good.

188
00:11:35.612 --> 00:11:37.029
I know that makes you feel better.

189
00:11:37.113 --> 00:11:39.073
There's stranger things than walking around

190
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with an extra pair of underwear
for emergencies.

191
00:11:41.659 --> 00:11:45.579
Look, just this once, don't be so weird.

192
00:11:45.663 --> 00:11:47.456
We're gonna have the best wedding ever.

193
00:11:47.540 --> 00:11:48.624
Okay.

194
00:11:56.966 --> 00:12:00.844
Holy shit. What the hell happened
to my Iife, ChampaIe?

195
00:12:00.970 --> 00:12:04.306
Don, honey, no way to come up
with that money, huh?

196
00:12:04.474 --> 00:12:07.184
No. The only thing
I'm good at is being Donny Berger,

197
00:12:07.268 --> 00:12:08.936
and no one wants to pay for that anymore.

198
00:12:09.020 --> 00:12:10.646
Aw, Donny.

199
00:12:11.189 --> 00:12:12.564
Wow!

200
00:12:12.649 --> 00:12:14.400
My face is your toilet!

201
00:12:14.484 --> 00:12:17.069
Show some fucking respect
over there, Kenny.

202
00:12:17.153 --> 00:12:18.487
Hey, whoa.

203
00:12:19.364 --> 00:12:22.074
Hey, Mom, did you want
some breakfast after you finish your dance?

204
00:12:22.158 --> 00:12:23.492
Give it to me now, honey.

205
00:12:23.576 --> 00:12:25.661
Donny doesn't mind, do you, Donny?

206
00:12:26.162 --> 00:12:28.038
Holy cow, that's my son!

207
00:12:28.415 --> 00:12:29.415
Who, Han Solo?

208
00:12:29.999 --> 00:12:31.708
I thought you said he was a fatty.

209
00:12:31.793 --> 00:12:34.169
No, no, no.
He must have lost the weight or something,

210
00:12:34.254 --> 00:12:36.130
'cause I swear to God, that's my boy.

211
00:12:36.881 --> 00:12:38.924
It says, "Todd Peterson to
wed Jamie Martin this Sunday

212
00:12:39.008 --> 00:12:41.009
"at All Saints Church on Cape Cod."

213
00:12:41.094 --> 00:12:42.761
Todd Peterson?

214
00:12:42.846 --> 00:12:44.096
He changed his name!

215
00:12:44.180 --> 00:12:45.222
Why?

216
00:12:45.932 --> 00:12:48.767
What was wrong with Han Solo Berger?

217
00:12:48.852 --> 00:12:50.936
It's the coolest fucking name of all time.

218
00:12:51.020 --> 00:12:52.396
"Peterson is one of the youngest

219
00:12:52.480 --> 00:12:55.107
"large-cap hedge fund managers
in the financial industry."

220
00:12:55.191 --> 00:12:57.067
He got rich on us, huh?

221
00:13:00.697 --> 00:13:03.282
"All the more impressive
considering he was orphaned

222
00:13:03.366 --> 00:13:06.869
"at age nine, when both his parents died
in a horrific explosion."

223
00:13:07.245 --> 00:13:09.997
He fucking blew me up and his mother?

224
00:13:10.081 --> 00:13:12.291
Donny, maybe your son could
help you, financially.

225
00:13:12.375 --> 00:13:14.835
I don't know. This kid changed his name.

226
00:13:14.919 --> 00:13:16.962
He doesn't even want
to be a Berger anymore.

227
00:13:17.046 --> 00:13:18.589
He's not gonna want to talk to me.

228
00:13:19.549 --> 00:13:21.842
That was the incomparabIe ChampaIe.

229
00:13:22.135 --> 00:13:25.304
And now, looking hot
and ignoring doctor's orders,

230
00:13:25.388 --> 00:13:27.139
let's welcome Amber.

231
00:13:27.640 --> 00:13:29.516
What the fuck happened to her?

232
00:13:30.059 --> 00:13:31.518
Fuck you, Kenny!

233
00:13:31.603 --> 00:13:33.562
Hey, what's up, RoboCop?

234
00:13:36.816 --> 00:13:38.525
This is where your boss lives?

235
00:13:38.610 --> 00:13:40.819
It's actually just his summer home.

236
00:13:40.904 --> 00:13:43.572
-Summer home. What a dick.
-Dad!

237
00:13:43.948 --> 00:13:45.616
Oh, my goodness.

238
00:13:45.700 --> 00:13:48.911
Todd, it's just breathtaking!

239
00:13:49.037 --> 00:13:50.913
Hey! There he is.

240
00:13:50.997 --> 00:13:52.289
Hey, Mr. Spirou.

241
00:13:52.415 --> 00:13:54.333
There's my golden boy.

242
00:13:54.417 --> 00:13:55.709
Come over here, champ.

243
00:13:55.793 --> 00:13:57.336
Come on, get over here.

244
00:13:57.420 --> 00:13:58.545
Hi. Yeah.

245
00:13:58.630 --> 00:14:00.172
Look at you.

246
00:14:00.632 --> 00:14:03.425
Look at you, the lovely bride.

247
00:14:04.093 --> 00:14:05.427
What a couple!

248
00:14:05.512 --> 00:14:08.138
Mr. Spirou, it's so amazing
that you're letting us all stay here.

249
00:14:08.223 --> 00:14:09.389
Seriously, thank you so much.

250
00:14:09.474 --> 00:14:11.350
Steve, these are
my parents, Gerald and Helen.

251
00:14:11.434 --> 00:14:12.768
-It's a pleasure.
-Hi.

252
00:14:12.852 --> 00:14:14.102
Your daughter's a sweetheart.

253
00:14:14.395 --> 00:14:16.688
You can tell she likes Todd for Todd,

254
00:14:16.773 --> 00:14:18.857
not because he's gonna be rich.

255
00:14:18.942 --> 00:14:21.026
I wouldn't want
my boy to end up with some gold digger

256
00:14:21.110 --> 00:14:22.986
like the last three whores I married, huh?

257
00:14:24.989 --> 00:14:28.158
True story. All three? Whores.

258
00:14:30.453 --> 00:14:33.121
Well, guys, this weekend, mi casa es su casa.

259
00:14:33.206 --> 00:14:35.457
You know, every member
of my staff are lucky to be in this country,

260
00:14:35.542 --> 00:14:38.335
so feel free to abuse the shit out of 'em.

261
00:14:39.337 --> 00:14:41.296
Go get the fucking bags!

262
00:14:43.132 --> 00:14:45.717
Well, Mrs. Spirou,
I've always said that if the finance game

263
00:14:45.802 --> 00:14:48.053
was an amusement park,
your son would be a roller coaster,

264
00:14:48.137 --> 00:14:51.765
and I would just ride him all day long.

265
00:14:52.642 --> 00:14:53.892
That came out weird.

266
00:14:53.977 --> 00:14:55.477
Yeah, well, Stevie likes to think

267
00:14:55.562 --> 00:14:57.729
that he's the star of the family.

268
00:14:57.814 --> 00:15:01.441
But before he was born,
I modeled a bathing suit

269
00:15:01.526 --> 00:15:04.152
for a Woolworth advertisement.

270
00:15:04.237 --> 00:15:07.823
Well, you still have
quite a figure on you there, Delores.

271
00:15:07.907 --> 00:15:10.492
Yeah, I can see
where Steve got his rocking bod.

272
00:15:11.661 --> 00:15:13.662
Why, thank you.

273
00:15:15.081 --> 00:15:16.081
Chad's here!

274
00:15:16.165 --> 00:15:17.416
-Oh, my God.
-Hooray.

275
00:15:17.500 --> 00:15:18.542
Fantastic.

276
00:15:18.626 --> 00:15:21.253
I guess they didn't want to see it.

277
00:15:21.337 --> 00:15:23.463
Yay, Chad!

278
00:15:23.548 --> 00:15:25.257
-Come here.
-Mom.

279
00:15:25.341 --> 00:15:26.800
-Sweetheart.
-I'm home.

280
00:15:26.884 --> 00:15:28.260
Dad, how are you, sir?

281
00:15:28.344 --> 00:15:29.803
-You look great.
-Thank you, sir.

282
00:15:29.887 --> 00:15:31.013
Hey, Chad, I'm Todd.

283
00:15:31.097 --> 00:15:32.472
Oh, my God.

284
00:15:32.557 --> 00:15:34.725
Oh, God, I missed you, sis.

285
00:15:34.809 --> 00:15:36.184
That's a good hug.

286
00:15:36.686 --> 00:15:39.521
Chad, this is my fiancé, Todd.

287
00:15:40.189 --> 00:15:41.773
Pleasure to meet you, Chadwick.

288
00:15:41.858 --> 00:15:43.025
Are you a soldier?

289
00:15:43.109 --> 00:15:44.693
No.

290
00:15:44.777 --> 00:15:46.445
-Sailor?
-No.

291
00:15:46.529 --> 00:15:48.530
-Airman?
-No.

292
00:15:48.615 --> 00:15:49.698
Girl Scout?

293
00:15:50.283 --> 00:15:51.283
No.

294
00:15:51.367 --> 00:15:54.953
Well, then I'd prefer if you take
your fingers away from your forehead

295
00:15:55.038 --> 00:15:57.789
and you shake my hand
like the civilian you are.

296
00:15:57.874 --> 00:16:01.001
Yeah, sorry, I'm stupid.
I don't know why I did that.

297
00:16:01.085 --> 00:16:03.170
Honest mistake. Come here,
I want to show you this.

298
00:16:03.254 --> 00:16:06.381
Look, if you ever do anything

299
00:16:06.549 --> 00:16:10.636
to hurt my sister, I will take
my government-issued service revolver,

300
00:16:10.720 --> 00:16:14.056
stick it straight up your fuppin' poop chute,
and empty the clip.

301
00:16:14.140 --> 00:16:15.349
Do you feel me?

302
00:16:15.433 --> 00:16:19.061
Yes, I totally feel you... Dawg.

303
00:16:20.396 --> 00:16:22.314
Randy Jackson, right?

304
00:16:23.232 --> 00:16:25.317
I've got 1 0 ways
to kill you with my bare hands right now.

305
00:16:25.860 --> 00:16:29.112
Don't.

306
00:16:34.202 --> 00:16:35.869
Hi, sweetheart, how are you?

307
00:16:35.953 --> 00:16:37.996
Can I see Randall Morgan possibly?

308
00:16:38.081 --> 00:16:39.665
Yeah, you're gonna need an appointment.

309
00:16:39.791 --> 00:16:41.333
I knew you were gonna say that.

310
00:16:41.834 --> 00:16:44.127
But you know what?
Tell him Donny Berger's out here.

311
00:16:44.212 --> 00:16:46.004
He'll be pretty psyched to see an old friend.

312
00:16:46.089 --> 00:16:48.840
You know what? Mr. Morgan's
on vacation right now. I'm sorry.

313
00:16:48.966 --> 00:16:50.676
-He's on vacation? That son of a...
-Oh, hey!

314
00:16:50.760 --> 00:16:51.885
Vanilla Ice.

315
00:16:51.969 --> 00:16:54.763
Randall's just getting makeup.
Go ahead to the green room.

316
00:16:57.225 --> 00:16:59.184
Vanilla, what's up, guy?

317
00:16:59.602 --> 00:17:01.937
It's been a long time. How you been?

318
00:17:04.232 --> 00:17:06.441
Are you seriously giving me
the silent treatment still?

319
00:17:06.526 --> 00:17:07.734
You know that hurts me.

320
00:17:07.819 --> 00:17:09.152
Yeah? Well, that's why I'm giving it to you.

321
00:17:09.237 --> 00:17:10.278
How's it feel, chump?

322
00:17:10.405 --> 00:17:11.905
It's breaking my heart.

323
00:17:11.989 --> 00:17:14.199
We were friends for 20 years, guy.

324
00:17:14.283 --> 00:17:16.034
We were friends until you banged my mother!

325
00:17:16.119 --> 00:17:18.078
I didn't know it was her, I swear to God!

326
00:17:18.162 --> 00:17:20.080
It's not like her last name is Ice.

327
00:17:20.957 --> 00:17:22.582
You should've known by the haircut!

328
00:17:22.667 --> 00:17:24.376
Aw, come on, Vanilla Bean Latte.

329
00:17:24.460 --> 00:17:25.794
-Will you just...
-What?

330
00:17:25.962 --> 00:17:27.629
I'm just saying, I'm in big trouble, guy.

331
00:17:27.714 --> 00:17:29.715
This, like, monetary thing.

332
00:17:29.799 --> 00:17:33.635
I'm going to prison
if I don't get 43 large, so...

333
00:17:33.720 --> 00:17:34.928
What, do you think I got that kind of money?

334
00:17:35.012 --> 00:17:36.430
Of course you got that kind of money.

335
00:17:36.514 --> 00:17:39.099
Royalties from Ice Ice Baby,
you must be fucking loaded!

336
00:17:39.183 --> 00:17:41.560
Man, listen, Queen took 50% .

337
00:17:41.644 --> 00:17:43.270
Suge took the other 60%.

338
00:17:43.354 --> 00:17:45.105
I fucking owe money when
that shit gets played, man!

339
00:17:45.189 --> 00:17:48.316
Dude, come on,
will you please stop, collaborate and listen?

340
00:17:48.401 --> 00:17:50.068
-Oh, here...
-What? No, I love that song.

341
00:17:50.153 --> 00:17:51.236
You know that shit.

342
00:17:51.320 --> 00:17:52.821
I was on top of that, fucking day one.

343
00:17:53.114 --> 00:17:55.407
Listen, man. I work at a ice rink now.

344
00:17:55.491 --> 00:17:57.325
I deep-fry chicken nuggets, man.

345
00:17:57.410 --> 00:17:59.286
I'll get you a deal on
a barbecue sauce packet.

346
00:17:59.370 --> 00:18:00.620
Fucking A, buddy.

347
00:18:00.705 --> 00:18:03.415
Both of us. This sucks.

348
00:18:03.499 --> 00:18:05.500
Broke. Who'd have thought
this would happen to us?

349
00:18:07.336 --> 00:18:09.921
Maybe I should call your mother.
She'll give me the money, I know that.

350
00:18:10.006 --> 00:18:12.174
-What?
-What? What? What?

351
00:18:14.761 --> 00:18:15.969
Hey, dude.

352
00:18:16.053 --> 00:18:18.263
Didn't spill my beer, fucker.

353
00:18:18.347 --> 00:18:19.473
Fuck you.

354
00:18:19.557 --> 00:18:21.141
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

355
00:18:21.434 --> 00:18:24.144
Nobody comes in here
and starts busting up my joint

356
00:18:24.228 --> 00:18:26.313
unless I got cameras rolling.

357
00:18:26.647 --> 00:18:28.857
Look, Donny,
nobody remembers what Tiger Woods did,

358
00:18:28.941 --> 00:18:31.777
let alone something
that happened 25 years ago.

359
00:18:31.861 --> 00:18:33.445
I'm telling you, when I walk down the street,

360
00:18:33.529 --> 00:18:34.946
people are like, "There's that guy!"

361
00:18:35.031 --> 00:18:36.573
I'm still fucking big, dude.

362
00:18:37.116 --> 00:18:40.452
All right, how about this?
I'm doing a show on '80s train wrecks.

363
00:18:40.536 --> 00:18:42.871
Maybe I slip you in
after that Milli Vanilli guy, all right?

364
00:18:42.955 --> 00:18:45.373
-Who, Fab? He's a fucking buddy of mine.
-Yeah.

365
00:18:45.458 --> 00:18:47.292
That would be huge, dude.
How much money?

366
00:18:48.377 --> 00:18:50.587
Maybe 400 bucks.

367
00:18:50.671 --> 00:18:51.963
Four hundred bucks?

368
00:18:52.048 --> 00:18:55.467
Dude, I need 43 G-birds.
What are we talking about right now?

369
00:18:55.551 --> 00:18:57.636
You need $43,000?

370
00:18:57.720 --> 00:18:59.137
Are you back on drugs?

371
00:18:59.222 --> 00:19:00.430
-Yeah.
-It's never...

372
00:19:00.515 --> 00:19:02.224
This is never going to happen. Never.

373
00:19:02.308 --> 00:19:03.725
Little bit more blush if you can.

374
00:19:03.810 --> 00:19:06.895
Just like you did that John Wayne Bobbitt
in his penis reunion show.

375
00:19:11.359 --> 00:19:13.985
That's actually a good idea, a reunion.

376
00:19:14.362 --> 00:19:19.074
Me and Miss McGarricle, together again,
live from a women's prison.

377
00:19:22.495 --> 00:19:24.454
A women's prison.

378
00:19:25.915 --> 00:19:27.499
Very sexy.

379
00:19:27.583 --> 00:19:30.752
We could shoot it this weekend.
You could give me the money.

380
00:19:31.504 --> 00:19:32.671
Very sexy.

381
00:19:33.214 --> 00:19:35.090
You know, you could eat that ass
after I leave the room,

382
00:19:35.174 --> 00:19:37.050
but I need an answer right now.
What do you think?

383
00:19:37.134 --> 00:19:38.301
What about your kid?

384
00:19:38.886 --> 00:19:41.054
My kid? What about my kid?

385
00:19:41.138 --> 00:19:43.139
He's got to be a walking Gong Show.

386
00:19:43.224 --> 00:19:45.392
No. What are you talking about?
He's doing great.

387
00:19:45.476 --> 00:19:47.185
He's, like, a hot shit now.
He's getting married

388
00:19:47.270 --> 00:19:49.187
-down at the Cape this weekend.
-Wait, wait, wait, wait.

389
00:19:49.272 --> 00:19:51.773
"Horny teacher baby makes good."

390
00:19:54.402 --> 00:19:55.944
Smell that? Smell it, Donny?

391
00:19:56.946 --> 00:19:58.572
What? That's not me.
She probably cut the cheese.

392
00:19:58.656 --> 00:20:00.448
No, no, no. No, ratings.

393
00:20:01.075 --> 00:20:02.158
I smell ratings.

394
00:20:02.994 --> 00:20:06.454
My kid is very publicity-shy, so I...
You know, to be honest,

395
00:20:06.539 --> 00:20:08.123
I don't think he'd do
a piece of shit show like this.

396
00:20:08.249 --> 00:20:09.624
All right, here's the deal.

397
00:20:09.709 --> 00:20:11.376
You get yourself and your actual kid

398
00:20:11.460 --> 00:20:14.170
up to the women's
prison this weekend, I will shoot it,

399
00:20:14.255 --> 00:20:16.131
I will give you 50 grand in cash.

400
00:20:16.465 --> 00:20:19.175
'Cause I'm going to guess, Donny,
you want to be visiting a prison,

401
00:20:19.260 --> 00:20:20.927
not living in one.

402
00:20:24.557 --> 00:20:27.225
So, Todd, how does one get into
the hedgehog business anyway?

403
00:20:27.310 --> 00:20:29.352
Oh, it's actually hedge funds.

404
00:20:29.437 --> 00:20:31.104
You think you're better than me?

405
00:20:31.814 --> 00:20:32.898
No.

406
00:20:33.190 --> 00:20:36.401
Chad, did you know
that Todd is really great with numbers?

407
00:20:36.485 --> 00:20:37.819
-You got to see this.
-Jamie, no. Don't make...

408
00:20:37.904 --> 00:20:39.654
What's 452 times 77?

409
00:20:41.407 --> 00:20:43.116
84,304.

410
00:20:44.160 --> 00:20:45.535
Oh, he could just be making that up.

411
00:20:45.661 --> 00:20:46.703
No, he's not!

412
00:20:47.872 --> 00:20:50.498
There's a calculator on my cell phone.

413
00:20:50.583 --> 00:20:51.583
Okay.

414
00:20:51.918 --> 00:20:55.253
What is 94

415
00:20:55.338 --> 00:20:58.590
times 31 2, Todd?

416
00:21:00.176 --> 00:21:03.053
29,328, Helen.

417
00:21:03.638 --> 00:21:04.846
Freaky.

418
00:21:05.389 --> 00:21:07.349
I don't know. It's just something I can do.

419
00:21:07.475 --> 00:21:09.392
Are you sure you're not a Chinaman?

420
00:21:09.477 --> 00:21:11.019
Oh, that's inappropriate.

421
00:21:11.103 --> 00:21:12.228
White whore.

422
00:21:15.191 --> 00:21:16.524
I'll get it.

423
00:21:21.572 --> 00:21:23.031
Oh, my God. You must be Jamie.

424
00:21:23.491 --> 00:21:25.992
You're, like, even hotter
than you looked in the paper.

425
00:21:26.744 --> 00:21:29.454
Look at your hair,
blowing in the wind like Tawny Kitaen

426
00:21:29.538 --> 00:21:31.539
when she was fucking dry-humping that car.

427
00:21:32.166 --> 00:21:33.249
Okay.

428
00:21:34.377 --> 00:21:35.502
And you must be...

429
00:21:35.795 --> 00:21:37.045
Donny.

430
00:21:38.589 --> 00:21:40.674
What's the matter?
Chubby never even mentioned me?

431
00:21:40.800 --> 00:21:41.800
Chubby?

432
00:21:41.968 --> 00:21:44.219
Oh, I mean Todd Peterson.

433
00:21:44.637 --> 00:21:46.179
Why do you say it like that?

434
00:21:46.389 --> 00:21:48.056
It just comes out that way.

435
00:21:48.140 --> 00:21:49.432
Where are my manners, right?

436
00:21:49.517 --> 00:21:51.476
Could you hold that?
Take a chug if you'd like.

437
00:21:51.727 --> 00:21:53.812
I got you a fucking great gift.

438
00:21:55.272 --> 00:21:56.398
Here it is.

439
00:21:56.649 --> 00:21:57.983
I'll take the brew back.

440
00:21:58.067 --> 00:21:59.734
Just, you got to read it, though. It's fucking...

441
00:22:03.114 --> 00:22:04.114
Yeah!

442
00:22:05.366 --> 00:22:06.992
I don't know where they
come up with this shit,

443
00:22:07.076 --> 00:22:08.660
but it's pretty fucking funny.

444
00:22:08.744 --> 00:22:10.495
Spencer's Gifts never fucking fails me.

445
00:22:10.579 --> 00:22:12.163
I want to meet Mr. Spencer one day and say,

446
00:22:12.248 --> 00:22:13.873
"Thanks, motherfucker, for all the laughs."

447
00:22:14.500 --> 00:22:16.501
Hey, I also made you a mix tape.

448
00:22:16.585 --> 00:22:18.336
Who the fuck is rich in this house?

449
00:22:18.421 --> 00:22:19.462
Jeezum, it's huge.

450
00:22:20.423 --> 00:22:23.299
Todd, your old man is here?

451
00:22:24.427 --> 00:22:25.593
Wassup!

452
00:22:28.264 --> 00:22:29.681
Helen, oh, my gosh. I'm so sorry.

453
00:22:29.765 --> 00:22:30.765
No, it's...

454
00:22:30.850 --> 00:22:31.850
Let me just get that for you.

455
00:22:31.934 --> 00:22:33.018
-That's...
-What? No.

456
00:22:33.102 --> 00:22:34.519
Oh, sorry, those are yours. I...

457
00:22:34.603 --> 00:22:37.856
Donny, what... What the fuck, man? Sorry.

458
00:22:38.149 --> 00:22:39.941
What are you doing here?

459
00:22:40.317 --> 00:22:41.443
What do you mean?

460
00:22:41.527 --> 00:22:42.777
I thought you said your parents were dead.

461
00:22:43.154 --> 00:22:45.739
No, they are. Super dead.

462
00:22:45.823 --> 00:22:47.365
He's hilarious.

463
00:22:48.451 --> 00:22:49.659
My old man.

464
00:22:50.036 --> 00:22:52.037
My old man friend.

465
00:22:52.997 --> 00:22:54.205
From...

466
00:22:54.915 --> 00:22:56.291
Wassup!

467
00:22:56.459 --> 00:22:57.459
Right?

468
00:22:58.753 --> 00:23:00.170
Well, aren't you going to introduce us?

469
00:23:00.463 --> 00:23:01.546
-No.
-Yes.

470
00:23:01.672 --> 00:23:03.006
Yes. Here we go.

471
00:23:03.424 --> 00:23:06.301
This is my future father-in-law, Gerald,

472
00:23:06.802 --> 00:23:08.595
and his lovely wife, Helen.

473
00:23:08.971 --> 00:23:10.680
And Jamie's brother, Chad.

474
00:23:11.140 --> 00:23:12.891
-Hey-o!
-Don't. That's...

475
00:23:18.230 --> 00:23:19.272
What?

476
00:23:19.398 --> 00:23:20.398
I like the look of this. Who's this?

477
00:23:20.483 --> 00:23:24.277
Okay. This is my boss Steve's mother,
Delores, who's awake now.

478
00:23:24.361 --> 00:23:27.113
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's where you
get all the looks from, huh, sweetie?

479
00:23:27.323 --> 00:23:28.615
Yeah, no, we're not related.

480
00:23:28.824 --> 00:23:31.910
Oh, yeah? Well, she wishes,
'cause you got the fucking...

481
00:23:31.994 --> 00:23:33.953
You're stacked pretty good.

482
00:23:34.663 --> 00:23:39.042
Anyhow, Jame, this is my old friend, Donny.

483
00:23:39.460 --> 00:23:40.668
Your best friend.

484
00:23:41.087 --> 00:23:42.212
I'm his best friend.

485
00:23:42.671 --> 00:23:44.464
Your best friend.

486
00:23:45.800 --> 00:23:46.966
Yeah, no.

487
00:23:47.051 --> 00:23:49.010
Remember I told you we met...

488
00:23:49.553 --> 00:23:50.553
Where'd we meet?

489
00:23:50.638 --> 00:23:52.305
-We met...
-Where?

490
00:23:53.099 --> 00:23:54.349
-Come on.
-It's coming to me.

491
00:23:54.558 --> 00:23:55.642
I saved his life.

492
00:23:56.977 --> 00:23:58.311
Well, more metaphorically.

493
00:23:58.521 --> 00:24:00.355
No, no, no, no, no. Here's what happened.

494
00:24:00.439 --> 00:24:02.857
It was, like,
one of them train track kind of deals.

495
00:24:03.109 --> 00:24:04.651
My man over here, I see him,

496
00:24:04.735 --> 00:24:06.694
he drops his burrito on the tracks.

497
00:24:06.946 --> 00:24:08.530
I'm like, "All right, that happens."

498
00:24:08.989 --> 00:24:11.366
Next thing you know,
homeboy leaps down there,

499
00:24:11.450 --> 00:24:13.368
and he tries to retrieve the burrito.

500
00:24:13.828 --> 00:24:16.204
Okay? I see a train whizzing at him.

501
00:24:16.288 --> 00:24:18.790
I'm like, "This guy's about to die,
and he don't know it."

502
00:24:18.874 --> 00:24:21.251
I fucking leap down there myself, right,

503
00:24:21.335 --> 00:24:23.044
and I give him a little shove on the heinie.

504
00:24:23.129 --> 00:24:24.671
"Get out of the way, buddy!"

505
00:24:24.755 --> 00:24:26.047
Next thing you know, I realize

506
00:24:26.215 --> 00:24:27.841
this thing's going to hit me.

507
00:24:27.925 --> 00:24:29.509
I fucking remember, though,

508
00:24:29.593 --> 00:24:30.802
I had a kung fu instructor

509
00:24:30.886 --> 00:24:33.138
who taught me
how to tighten the diaphragm,

510
00:24:33.222 --> 00:24:35.014
and I bring it in there.

511
00:24:35.099 --> 00:24:36.349
And I feel the train go by.

512
00:24:36.433 --> 00:24:37.475
My eyes are closed.

513
00:24:37.560 --> 00:24:40.311
Rips my shirt off my body, okay?
I open my eyes.

514
00:24:40.396 --> 00:24:43.356
I see all these chicks just kind of looking
at me, going, "What is that?

515
00:24:43.440 --> 00:24:44.941
"That's the fucking
most chiseled guy I've ever seen."

516
00:24:45.025 --> 00:24:46.776
I worked out at the time.

517
00:24:46.861 --> 00:24:49.362
Anyways, the place goes bananas for me,
I sign a couple of titties,

518
00:24:49.446 --> 00:24:51.156
and I started hanging out
with this guy ever since.

519
00:24:51.240 --> 00:24:52.782
Best friends, right? Here you go, my boy.

520
00:24:52.908 --> 00:24:56.452
I just can't believe
I've never heard that story before.

521
00:24:56.912 --> 00:24:59.038
Why wouldn't you just
get another burrito, Todd?

522
00:25:00.416 --> 00:25:02.125
Wouldn't it be dirty?

523
00:25:02.668 --> 00:25:04.127
Great questions.

524
00:25:04.420 --> 00:25:08.006
It's one of the many things about this story
that's pretty hard to believe.

525
00:25:08.382 --> 00:25:09.757
So, where are you staying, Donny?

526
00:25:09.925 --> 00:25:11.176
He's not staying.

527
00:25:11.260 --> 00:25:12.260
No.

528
00:25:14.930 --> 00:25:16.764
I can't stay. Yeah, no, he's right.

529
00:25:16.932 --> 00:25:20.059
Oh, pshaw. I mean, invite him to stay here.

530
00:25:20.144 --> 00:25:21.561
You have to stay.

531
00:25:21.645 --> 00:25:23.897
He's your best friend. You're his best friend.

532
00:25:23.981 --> 00:25:25.398
Sheesh, I'm not messing with her.

533
00:25:25.482 --> 00:25:27.942
I mean, you are my best friend, guy.

534
00:25:28.027 --> 00:25:30.486
And, Jamie, you can be my breast friend.

535
00:25:33.782 --> 00:25:36.117
Breast, with an "R." With an "R."

536
00:25:38.996 --> 00:25:41.623
By the way, dude, you look fantastic.

537
00:25:41.916 --> 00:25:43.416
You lost all the weight, homeboy.

538
00:25:43.500 --> 00:25:44.709
I miss the titties.

539
00:25:44.793 --> 00:25:47.045
You saved my life? Seriously?

540
00:25:47.129 --> 00:25:49.005
What? They ate that up.

541
00:25:50.090 --> 00:25:51.758
You came up with a whole lot of nothing.

542
00:25:52.468 --> 00:25:53.718
That's a nice suitcase, by the way.

543
00:25:53.802 --> 00:25:54.844
What is that, Louis Vuitton?

544
00:25:55.471 --> 00:25:56.804
This is a Hefty bag.

545
00:25:57.223 --> 00:25:58.640
What the fuck are you talking about?

546
00:25:58.807 --> 00:26:00.558
What do you want, Donny? Money?

547
00:26:00.643 --> 00:26:03.228
You heard I was doing well,
so you came looking for a handout?

548
00:26:03.312 --> 00:26:05.647
I don't want none of your money.
How is that? Okay?

549
00:26:05.731 --> 00:26:07.148
I get it. You don't like me.

550
00:26:07.233 --> 00:26:08.650
I exploded.

551
00:26:08.817 --> 00:26:09.817
I wish you had exploded.

552
00:26:09.902 --> 00:26:12.070
That way, I wouldn't have to
see your stupid face anymore!

553
00:26:12.154 --> 00:26:13.154
Did you happen to notice

554
00:26:13.239 --> 00:26:16.241
I created a whole fake life
just so I could get away from you?

555
00:26:16.659 --> 00:26:17.992
Your mother's sick, by the way.

556
00:26:19.620 --> 00:26:20.662
I don't believe you.

557
00:26:22.164 --> 00:26:23.998
They don't know how long she's got.

558
00:26:24.166 --> 00:26:25.375
What is that, nunchucks?

559
00:26:25.793 --> 00:26:28.878
I told her you would
visit her up at the prison.

560
00:26:31.006 --> 00:26:35.301
I'm kind of thinking you're the kind of guy
who would pull through for Mumsie.

561
00:26:35.386 --> 00:26:37.095
Know what I'm saying?

562
00:26:37.179 --> 00:26:39.180
She'd do the same for you.

563
00:26:39.848 --> 00:26:40.848
Really?

564
00:26:41.183 --> 00:26:44.644
Yeah. Saturday's the last visiting day
before the big surgery, so...

565
00:26:44.979 --> 00:26:46.062
So let me get this straight.

566
00:26:46.146 --> 00:26:48.273
You want me to go visit my "sick mom"

567
00:26:48.357 --> 00:26:50.483
that I haven't talked to in years, in prison,

568
00:26:50.567 --> 00:26:52.026
the day before my wedding.

569
00:26:52.319 --> 00:26:53.361
Correct.

570
00:26:53.445 --> 00:26:54.779
Not happening, asshole.

571
00:26:54.863 --> 00:26:56.948
What the fuck did I do to you

572
00:26:57.032 --> 00:26:58.157
to make you hate me so much?

573
00:26:58.242 --> 00:26:59.742
I am fucking baffled right now.

574
00:26:59.827 --> 00:27:02.704
Well, maybe you don't remember,
but you were basically the worst parent ever.

575
00:27:02.788 --> 00:27:04.914
Me? I did everything for you, buddy,

576
00:27:04.999 --> 00:27:07.500
and I never gave you
an ounce of shit about nothing.

577
00:27:07.751 --> 00:27:09.210
You never gave me nothing.

578
00:27:09.295 --> 00:27:10.503
I gave you a snake.

579
00:27:10.587 --> 00:27:13.214
Yeah, and then it died
after it ate all your Quaaludes.

580
00:27:13.507 --> 00:27:17.552
That was the only time
anybody's ever seen a king cobra laugh.

581
00:27:18.387 --> 00:27:20.388
And I take pride in that, so fuck you.

582
00:27:20.973 --> 00:27:22.181
Yeah, great. You know what?

583
00:27:22.266 --> 00:27:24.309
I basically had to raise myself, Donny.

584
00:27:24.393 --> 00:27:25.768
I never learned how to swim.

585
00:27:25.853 --> 00:27:27.312
I don't even know how to ride a bike.

586
00:27:27.396 --> 00:27:28.896
You know how fucking humiliating that is?

587
00:27:29.106 --> 00:27:30.982
What about Mr. Mitty? Remember him?

588
00:27:31.775 --> 00:27:33.318
What? No. What's that?

589
00:27:33.402 --> 00:27:35.361
Mr. Mitty. I used to put
an oven mitt on my hand.

590
00:27:35.446 --> 00:27:37.905
He would cheer you up
all the time when you were sad.

591
00:27:37.990 --> 00:27:39.615
"Don't be upset, young man.

592
00:27:39.700 --> 00:27:41.492
"I'm your best friend.

593
00:27:41.577 --> 00:27:43.244
"Even though I'm an oven mitt."

594
00:27:43.746 --> 00:27:45.163
No, I don't remember that, okay?

595
00:27:45.247 --> 00:27:46.247
You know what I do remember?

596
00:27:46.665 --> 00:27:48.541
You making me
drive you home from the beach

597
00:27:48.625 --> 00:27:49.709
'cause you got too drunk.

598
00:27:50.210 --> 00:27:51.252
It makes sense to me.

599
00:27:51.337 --> 00:27:53.629
When somebody's hammered,
they have another guy drive home.

600
00:27:54.006 --> 00:27:55.006
I was eight!

601
00:27:55.507 --> 00:27:58.176
Well, you looked 14
'cause you were such a huge fat fuck.

602
00:27:58.260 --> 00:27:59.260
I'm sorry.

603
00:27:59.428 --> 00:28:00.887
You are such an asshole.

604
00:28:01.013 --> 00:28:03.264
Dude, you're a millionaire now,

605
00:28:03.349 --> 00:28:05.391
and you're marrying that hot chick.

606
00:28:05.768 --> 00:28:08.853
I must have done
a pretty decent job as a dad, don't you think?

607
00:28:09.146 --> 00:28:11.689
Oh, yeah? You want to check in
on your pretty decent job?

608
00:28:12.024 --> 00:28:13.149
Oh, my God.

609
00:28:13.734 --> 00:28:15.985
You're a junkie? Who's your supplier?

610
00:28:16.320 --> 00:28:17.904
'Cause I'll smack that motherfucker around.

611
00:28:18.030 --> 00:28:19.655
It's insulin, you dick.

612
00:28:19.740 --> 00:28:23.284
I'm a diabetic 'cause you let me eat
cake and lollipops for breakfast every day.

613
00:28:23.786 --> 00:28:24.994
But that's what you fucking asked for.

614
00:28:25.120 --> 00:28:26.829
Yeah, you're supposed to say no.

615
00:28:26.997 --> 00:28:30.083
You know, I weighed 400 pounds
by the time I was 1 2.

616
00:28:30.167 --> 00:28:31.959
You know how hard it was
to take that weight off?

617
00:28:32.211 --> 00:28:33.503
All right, all right.

618
00:28:34.380 --> 00:28:36.923
I didn't know what I was doing.
I had no one helping me.

619
00:28:37.257 --> 00:28:39.592
Grandpa was a psycho. You know that.

620
00:28:40.177 --> 00:28:41.969
Han Solo, don't be like this.

621
00:28:42.054 --> 00:28:43.221
I'm a good person.

622
00:28:43.305 --> 00:28:44.764
Okay, don't call me that, all right?

623
00:28:44.848 --> 00:28:45.973
My name's Todd now.

624
00:28:46.058 --> 00:28:48.559
Call yourself Han Solo.
You're dressed like him.

625
00:28:49.853 --> 00:28:51.104
Good one.

626
00:28:51.188 --> 00:28:53.940
I'm just saying, buddy, give me a chance.

627
00:28:54.024 --> 00:28:55.483
Do you have any Axe body spray?

628
00:28:56.610 --> 00:29:00.154
No, Donny, I don't have any Axe body spray.

629
00:29:00.781 --> 00:29:03.366
Because I'm not a fucking douche bag.

630
00:29:05.035 --> 00:29:06.119
That's a douche bag thing?

631
00:29:06.203 --> 00:29:07.954
When did that become a douche bag thing?

632
00:29:08.038 --> 00:29:10.164
Todd, the guests are arriving. Let's go!

633
00:29:10.833 --> 00:29:12.417
All right, can you lighten up a little bit?

634
00:29:12.501 --> 00:29:13.709
We got a party to attend.

635
00:29:13.794 --> 00:29:14.794
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.

636
00:29:15.254 --> 00:29:17.630
Good person, how about
you put on a tie, okay?

637
00:29:17.714 --> 00:29:19.799
It's a cocktail party, not a Quiznos opening.

638
00:29:20.259 --> 00:29:24.053
What? I haven't worn a tie
since my mother's funeral when I was three.

639
00:29:24.138 --> 00:29:25.388
I'm not going to start that up again.

640
00:29:25.639 --> 00:29:26.848
That's great. Put on a tie.

641
00:29:27.182 --> 00:29:29.350
-No.
-Put on a tie!

642
00:29:29.518 --> 00:29:30.852
I'll never sell out.

643
00:29:32.271 --> 00:29:33.521
I'll give you 1 00 bucks.

644
00:29:33.772 --> 00:29:34.856
Where's the tie?

645
00:29:35.315 --> 00:29:37.066
Look at this.

646
00:29:37.151 --> 00:29:39.652
Jamie is going to have it all.

647
00:29:42.114 --> 00:29:43.197
By the way, Mr. Spirou,

648
00:29:43.282 --> 00:29:45.324
I read the OPEC report, and I was thinking,

649
00:29:45.409 --> 00:29:47.326
if we hedge our position on oil,
we could really...

650
00:29:51.582 --> 00:29:53.916
If we were to short the euro, we could...

651
00:29:54.126 --> 00:29:56.502
Come on, Todd.
This is your wedding weekend.

652
00:29:56.712 --> 00:29:58.880
You are marrying a real workaholic.
You do know that.

653
00:29:59.131 --> 00:30:01.674
Yeah, but isn't that
what you want in a partner?

654
00:30:02.342 --> 00:30:03.843
She's good, this one.

655
00:30:03.927 --> 00:30:05.219
She's good.

656
00:30:07.514 --> 00:30:09.098
All right, all right.

657
00:30:09.183 --> 00:30:10.433
I haven't made that decision yet,

658
00:30:10.851 --> 00:30:11.976
but I love this kid.

659
00:30:12.311 --> 00:30:14.520
You lost your dad in that explosion,

660
00:30:14.813 --> 00:30:15.980
and I lost my son.

661
00:30:16.315 --> 00:30:18.399
I thought your son
was a ski instructor in Vail.

662
00:30:18.525 --> 00:30:20.985
He's a pot-smoking bum!

663
00:30:21.278 --> 00:30:23.154
Not like you, Todd. Oh, no.

664
00:30:23.238 --> 00:30:25.072
You're the type of boy
a father can be proud of.

665
00:30:25.449 --> 00:30:26.574
Yeah, we'll never know, will we?

666
00:30:28.410 --> 00:30:30.328
-Who's that?
-I'm not here.

667
00:30:30.871 --> 00:30:33.748
That's Donny.

668
00:30:34.708 --> 00:30:37.210
Donny, come on. Say hi to everyone.

669
00:30:38.128 --> 00:30:39.670
Oh, God, hang on.

670
00:30:39.755 --> 00:30:41.255
Let me swing these free.

671
00:30:42.758 --> 00:30:44.258
Glad all the children saw that.

672
00:30:44.426 --> 00:30:45.760
Donny,

673
00:30:45.844 --> 00:30:47.261
this is Steve Spirou, Todd's boss.

674
00:30:49.806 --> 00:30:52.099
Wassup!

675
00:30:54.436 --> 00:30:55.603
Is that back?

676
00:30:57.648 --> 00:30:59.732
Because I've been dying
for that to come back.

677
00:30:59.816 --> 00:31:00.858
Wassup!

678
00:31:01.026 --> 00:31:02.193
Yeah!

679
00:31:02.861 --> 00:31:04.028
That's my boy! Look at him!

680
00:31:04.112 --> 00:31:05.321
He ain't a tight-ass.

681
00:31:05.405 --> 00:31:06.489
Wassup!

682
00:31:07.991 --> 00:31:12.286
-Wassup!
-Wassup!

683
00:31:12.663 --> 00:31:14.205
Wassup!

684
00:31:16.959 --> 00:31:18.209
What's up?

685
00:31:21.630 --> 00:31:23.506
Boo!

686
00:31:23.966 --> 00:31:25.925
That was terrible, Todd.

687
00:31:26.760 --> 00:31:28.719
So, I see the train coming,

688
00:31:28.804 --> 00:31:30.846
and something
kind of like takes over me, you know?

689
00:31:32.683 --> 00:31:34.225
-Here you go, Abigail.
-Thank you.

690
00:31:34.309 --> 00:31:37.436
And so, I decide to jump
off the platform, right?

691
00:31:37.854 --> 00:31:39.480
Snaps my legs in two.

692
00:31:40.482 --> 00:31:43.025
What did I expect?
It was a 25-foot drop, you know?

693
00:31:43.360 --> 00:31:44.610
Twenty-five feet?

694
00:31:44.861 --> 00:31:46.946
So I grab Burrito Bandito over here,

695
00:31:47.030 --> 00:31:48.322
and I just roll him out of the way.

696
00:31:48.949 --> 00:31:50.658
The train missed our skulls by inches.

697
00:31:51.285 --> 00:31:52.868
Why would you do
something like that, Todd?

698
00:31:53.328 --> 00:31:54.662
You know, I really don't know, Steve.

699
00:31:54.955 --> 00:31:56.914
I mean, why wouldn't you
just buy another burrito?

700
00:31:57.249 --> 00:31:58.583
Yeah, no, I know.

701
00:31:58.667 --> 00:32:00.334
I don't know what I could have been thinking.

702
00:32:00.877 --> 00:32:03.671
Maybe he was high on the hashish.

703
00:32:05.299 --> 00:32:07.008
Hey, how about I
get you another beer, huh, Donny Boy?

704
00:32:07.426 --> 00:32:08.426
Twenty's my limit.

705
00:32:08.510 --> 00:32:10.052
No! No, no.

706
00:32:10.137 --> 00:32:12.888
But, Donny Boy
has got to go to bed, though, right?

707
00:32:14.266 --> 00:32:15.933
Oh, fiddlesnatch.

708
00:32:16.518 --> 00:32:17.602
It's the afternoon.

709
00:32:17.853 --> 00:32:20.563
Remember you told me
you wanted to get to bed early?

710
00:32:21.648 --> 00:32:23.107
Oh, okay. Yeah, no, no, no.

711
00:32:23.191 --> 00:32:24.191
Todd's right.

712
00:32:24.276 --> 00:32:25.276
Oh, my God.

713
00:32:25.611 --> 00:32:26.986
You're right, it is him.

714
00:32:27.070 --> 00:32:28.571
-You're Donny Berger.
-It's him.

715
00:32:28.864 --> 00:32:31.324
Do you remember that kid who got
his teacher pregnant in Somerville?

716
00:32:31.533 --> 00:32:33.034
Wait a minute, that is you.

717
00:32:33.118 --> 00:32:34.285
Donny Berger.

718
00:32:34.494 --> 00:32:36.537
Didn't you and your teacher have a kid?

719
00:32:36.622 --> 00:32:38.039
Wait a minute. What was his name?

720
00:32:38.123 --> 00:32:39.874
Indiana Jones, huh?

721
00:32:40.042 --> 00:32:42.043
It was something fantastic like that.

722
00:32:42.127 --> 00:32:43.419
Yeah, Han Solo Berger.

723
00:32:43.670 --> 00:32:45.713
Yeah, Han Solo, Han Solo.
What ever happened to him?

724
00:32:46.048 --> 00:32:47.131
What happened to him?

725
00:32:47.215 --> 00:32:48.883
He actually became a dick.

726
00:32:50.927 --> 00:32:52.803
A private eye, I mean.

727
00:32:53.138 --> 00:32:55.681
One of the biggest
and hairiest dicks in the world.

728
00:32:56.224 --> 00:32:57.224
Okay.

729
00:32:57.601 --> 00:33:00.728
Hey, look, this might seem weird,
but do you think you would ever...

730
00:33:00.937 --> 00:33:03.314
Bone your wife? Yeah, I mean, I'd love to.

731
00:33:03.482 --> 00:33:05.107
She's a hot little number.

732
00:33:06.068 --> 00:33:09.153
Well, you know, I was just
going to ask you for an autograph, but...

733
00:33:09.237 --> 00:33:11.697
Oh. Oh, I'm sorry. On her tits or...

734
00:33:12.157 --> 00:33:14.408
-Or a piece of paper would be fine.
-Yeah, or a photo.

735
00:33:14.785 --> 00:33:16.077
Okay, well, this has been fun.

736
00:33:16.411 --> 00:33:18.371
-But, Donny...
-Not to toot my own horn,

737
00:33:18.455 --> 00:33:20.122
but I got kind of close once.

738
00:33:20.207 --> 00:33:22.541
Mrs. Weiss, freshman geometry.

739
00:33:22.626 --> 00:33:23.959
And I think she would have done it, too.

740
00:33:24.044 --> 00:33:25.795
I just didn't know how to make the move.

741
00:33:26.088 --> 00:33:27.505
You know what? I would have killed

742
00:33:27.589 --> 00:33:30.341
to bang my eighth grade
biology teacher, Mrs. Cohn.

743
00:33:30.425 --> 00:33:33.177
I used to dream of
dissecting her with my penis.

744
00:33:33.261 --> 00:33:37.098
It's so weird what goes on upstairs
when you hit puberty.

745
00:33:37.557 --> 00:33:41.894
I actually stole
my middle school librarian's glasses

746
00:33:41.978 --> 00:33:44.230
to wear while I masturbated.

747
00:33:44.981 --> 00:33:45.981
What is that about?

748
00:33:46.274 --> 00:33:48.651
In my day, when I got into trouble,

749
00:33:48.944 --> 00:33:51.821
the headmaster would
slap your hand with his dick.

750
00:33:53.156 --> 00:33:54.448
She wins.

751
00:33:56.284 --> 00:33:58.536
You know, Todd was working at the cubicle

752
00:33:58.620 --> 00:34:01.997
next to mine one year,
1 2 weeks and one day ago

753
00:34:02.082 --> 00:34:04.417
when he met a pretty girl
at the gym named Jamie.

754
00:34:05.460 --> 00:34:07.086
How many days is that, Todd?

755
00:34:07.295 --> 00:34:08.671
Computing, Steve.

756
00:34:09.631 --> 00:34:10.881
451 .

757
00:34:13.635 --> 00:34:15.678
It's actually 450.

758
00:34:16.179 --> 00:34:17.638
Battle of the brainiacs!

759
00:34:17.973 --> 00:34:20.266
Yeah, this guy forgot
about leap year, I guess.

760
00:34:22.519 --> 00:34:23.769
He's smarter than Todd!

761
00:34:24.062 --> 00:34:27.481
Okay, we're talking a lot about numbers,
but let's get back to love.

762
00:34:28.108 --> 00:34:29.066
What's the matter, hot stuff?

763
00:34:29.151 --> 00:34:30.192
Where do you think you get it from?

764
00:34:30.318 --> 00:34:31.485
Your mother was a math teacher,

765
00:34:31.570 --> 00:34:33.362
and I was pretty much a whiz kid myself.

766
00:34:33.989 --> 00:34:36.031
The ability to make a bong
out of a Taco Bell cup

767
00:34:36.116 --> 00:34:37.450
doesn't make you a whiz kid, Donny.

768
00:34:38.410 --> 00:34:40.327
Leap year, motherfucker.

769
00:34:40.579 --> 00:34:43.414
I think it's kind of a magical moment.

770
00:34:43.498 --> 00:34:47.084
You know, Todd's oldest friend, Donny,
miraculously appearing like this.

771
00:34:47.169 --> 00:34:48.169
What?

772
00:34:48.253 --> 00:34:51.839
So I am graciously
going to step aside and allow Donny

773
00:34:52.340 --> 00:34:53.841
to take over as the best man.

774
00:34:53.925 --> 00:34:54.967
Give it up for Donny!

775
00:34:55.093 --> 00:34:56.427
Oh, no, no, no.

776
00:34:56.511 --> 00:34:58.095
Phil, you don't have to do that.

777
00:34:58.513 --> 00:35:00.306
No music. No, no, no, no.

778
00:35:00.557 --> 00:35:02.683
Kill the music. Phil, Phil, you...

779
00:35:02.893 --> 00:35:04.477
That's so nice of you,
but you don't have to do that.

780
00:35:04.811 --> 00:35:06.854
Oh, I don't mind. You two are very close.

781
00:35:06.938 --> 00:35:09.231
We are. We are very close,
but you and I are close, too.

782
00:35:09.691 --> 00:35:13.027
Well, we work together,
but I wouldn't call us close.

783
00:35:13.487 --> 00:35:17.364
I mean, I was actually kind of surprised
when you asked me to be your best man.

784
00:35:17.449 --> 00:35:19.074
Made me feel a little sorry for you.

785
00:35:19.701 --> 00:35:21.786
That's true. He had no idea who he was.

786
00:35:21.870 --> 00:35:23.120
No.

787
00:35:23.288 --> 00:35:25.372
I accept. I do. I love it. It's an honor.

788
00:35:25.499 --> 00:35:27.208
-Way to go, Donny!
-Are you kidding me?

789
00:35:27.292 --> 00:35:29.293
You got Fenway Park in your backyard?

790
00:35:29.377 --> 00:35:31.587
I had that built
when my son started Little League.

791
00:35:31.671 --> 00:35:32.713
He never used it.

792
00:35:32.881 --> 00:35:35.508
The little douche bag
just sat in his room listening to reggae.

793
00:35:35.801 --> 00:35:38.093
Well, let's lose these ties
and hit some dingers.

794
00:35:38.261 --> 00:35:39.595
What do you say? Come on!

795
00:35:41.932 --> 00:35:44.433
No, no, no.
Please, don't let this be happening.

796
00:35:45.018 --> 00:35:47.603
Don't let this be happening, please.

797
00:35:47.687 --> 00:35:49.104
No sports.

798
00:35:49.397 --> 00:35:50.940
All right, guys,
let's see what we got out there.

799
00:35:51.066 --> 00:35:54.235
Please don't hit it to me. Please don't
hit it to me. Please don't hit it to me.

800
00:35:54.986 --> 00:35:56.070
Get under it, kid.

801
00:36:00.242 --> 00:36:01.408
Yeah!

802
00:36:03.370 --> 00:36:04.370
Moron.

803
00:36:04.830 --> 00:36:06.205
Here we go! Taking down two there!

804
00:36:06.414 --> 00:36:08.290
All right, Gerald, kid! Here we go, guy!

805
00:36:08.750 --> 00:36:09.875
Stay on it!

806
00:36:11.461 --> 00:36:12.837
Oh, my God!

807
00:36:14.214 --> 00:36:17.091
Grandma, what's up, honey?
Are you awake, sweetheart?

808
00:36:17.175 --> 00:36:18.384
Here we go.

809
00:36:18.969 --> 00:36:20.636
Get under it! Get dirty!

810
00:36:21.263 --> 00:36:22.513
What the fuck?

811
00:36:23.974 --> 00:36:26.100
-Got it.
-Nice catch, Mama!

812
00:36:26.434 --> 00:36:28.477
Let's let Todd-o get this one, huh?

813
00:36:28.770 --> 00:36:30.104
Oh, no, that's okay.

814
00:36:30.355 --> 00:36:31.730
Todd, come on!

815
00:36:31.898 --> 00:36:33.524
No, no. Hit one to that two-year-old.

816
00:36:33.650 --> 00:36:35.025
He hasn't gotten one yet.

817
00:36:35.110 --> 00:36:36.360
Here you go, big man.

818
00:36:38.613 --> 00:36:40.030
-What?
-Quit showing off

819
00:36:40.115 --> 00:36:41.866
for the girls, buddy. They're mine.

820
00:36:43.660 --> 00:36:44.743
Come on, now.

821
00:36:48.164 --> 00:36:49.498
You got it. You got it.

822
00:36:53.378 --> 00:36:54.962
Okay, Todd, you all set, buddy?

823
00:36:55.088 --> 00:36:56.255
Don't hit it to me.

824
00:36:56.381 --> 00:36:57.423
Coming to you, homie.

825
00:37:04.180 --> 00:37:05.222
Holy shit.

826
00:37:08.476 --> 00:37:10.477
Oh, my God. Are you all right, guy?

827
00:37:12.731 --> 00:37:13.939
Come on. You're fine.

828
00:37:14.274 --> 00:37:15.566
Throw it in there, guy.

829
00:37:15.817 --> 00:37:17.484
I think the ball's broken.

830
00:37:18.194 --> 00:37:19.194
Throw it in, Todd.

831
00:37:19.321 --> 00:37:20.404
Todd, throw the ball.

832
00:37:20.488 --> 00:37:22.156
Come on, Todd!

833
00:37:22.324 --> 00:37:24.158
Throw it, you big vagina. Do it.

834
00:37:24.409 --> 00:37:26.076
Todd, we want to keep playing, buddy.

835
00:37:26.161 --> 00:37:27.244
We need a ball, kid.

836
00:37:27.329 --> 00:37:28.370
Just throw it.

837
00:37:28.455 --> 00:37:29.496
Such a pussy.

838
00:37:31.833 --> 00:37:32.791
On a rope!

839
00:37:32.876 --> 00:37:34.168
Holy fuck!

840
00:37:37.380 --> 00:37:41.383
We now return to The Donny Berger Story,
starring lan Ziering.

841
00:37:41.635 --> 00:37:42.760
-Yo!
-Donny.

842
00:37:43.011 --> 00:37:45.596
-I'm in a Jacuzzi. Hang on one sec.
-Yeah.

843
00:37:45.680 --> 00:37:46.847
Fucking... Here.

844
00:37:46.932 --> 00:37:48.307
-Who'll take the cigar?
-Oh, no.

845
00:37:48.433 --> 00:37:49.433
-Donny.
-Keep that lit for me.

846
00:37:49.517 --> 00:37:50.684
Take my fucking shades.

847
00:37:50.769 --> 00:37:52.019
-Wear them if you want.
-Yeah!

848
00:37:52.103 --> 00:37:53.270
All right. So, hang on.

849
00:37:53.355 --> 00:37:54.313
I want to wear them.

850
00:37:54.397 --> 00:37:55.522
I'll be back.

851
00:37:59.945 --> 00:38:00.945
All right.

852
00:38:01.029 --> 00:38:02.029
My goodness!

853
00:38:02.322 --> 00:38:03.447
Yeah, what's going on?

854
00:38:03.907 --> 00:38:05.282
Guess what's on TV?

855
00:38:05.533 --> 00:38:07.242
Hey, there, little buddy.

856
00:38:07.452 --> 00:38:08.994
l'm Mr. Mitty.

857
00:38:09.871 --> 00:38:13.040
l will always love you.

858
00:38:13.541 --> 00:38:15.292
What is that, The Donny Berger Story?

859
00:38:15.377 --> 00:38:16.377
Hell, yeah.

860
00:38:16.586 --> 00:38:18.671
Don't you get money
every time that shit is shown?

861
00:38:18.755 --> 00:38:20.839
This could be your "get out ofjail free" card.

862
00:38:21.091 --> 00:38:23.884
Last check I got for that was 85 cents.

863
00:38:24.219 --> 00:38:26.553
Is Han Solo gonna do
the show at the women's prison with you?

864
00:38:26.805 --> 00:38:30.349
You know, I haven't
discussed any particulars with him yet.

865
00:38:30.433 --> 00:38:33.394
I am actually just trying
to be a dad right now.

866
00:38:33.895 --> 00:38:35.437
You're gonna go to prison on Tuesday.

867
00:38:35.522 --> 00:38:37.398
You have got to get that money somehow.

868
00:38:39.192 --> 00:38:40.275
Kenny, what the fuck?

869
00:38:40.402 --> 00:38:41.944
I thought this was a bathroom!

870
00:38:42.028 --> 00:38:43.070
Fuck you!

871
00:38:43.571 --> 00:38:45.155
-Honk!
-Oh, nobody squeezes my titty

872
00:38:45.240 --> 00:38:46.365
for free, honey!

873
00:38:46.449 --> 00:38:48.158
Okay, good luck with that.

874
00:38:48.493 --> 00:38:50.160
God, you're such an idiot!

875
00:38:50.245 --> 00:38:52.287
Todd, you already messed up my flowers!

876
00:38:52.747 --> 00:38:54.581
-I'm sorry.
-Just get the cake!

877
00:38:54.874 --> 00:38:57.084
No walnuts! No fucking excuses!

878
00:38:57.502 --> 00:38:59.586
I love you! Do you love me?

879
00:39:00.797 --> 00:39:01.922
What?

880
00:39:03.633 --> 00:39:05.509
"You screwed up my cake!

881
00:39:05.593 --> 00:39:06.760
"You screwed up my cake!"

882
00:39:06.886 --> 00:39:08.012
What?

883
00:39:08.096 --> 00:39:09.722
It's me, it's me. Can I come in?

884
00:39:09.806 --> 00:39:11.181
-Yeah, sure.
-What's up, buddy?

885
00:39:11.266 --> 00:39:14.184
What was she yelling at?
What'd you do wrong?

886
00:39:14.519 --> 00:39:16.603
She's just stressed out
'cause of the wedding.

887
00:39:16.730 --> 00:39:18.063
Oh, really?

888
00:39:18.148 --> 00:39:20.607
You sure she's not stressed out
about maybe sex or something?

889
00:39:20.692 --> 00:39:22.443
Have you been going down on her?

890
00:39:22.944 --> 00:39:24.361
-What?
-No, I'm just saying,

891
00:39:24.446 --> 00:39:26.530
a lot of times, girls I've met over the years,

892
00:39:26.614 --> 00:39:28.824
when they've been
ragging on me and yelling at me and shit,

893
00:39:28.908 --> 00:39:31.326
if I kiss their pussies, they kind of go,

894
00:39:31.411 --> 00:39:33.537
"You're right, you're a good guy."

895
00:39:34.289 --> 00:39:36.040
Yeah, that's personal, Donny.

896
00:39:36.249 --> 00:39:38.042
Yeah, no, no.
You know her better than me, fine.

897
00:39:38.793 --> 00:39:39.877
So...

898
00:39:41.296 --> 00:39:43.172
You wear a bathing suit in the shower?

899
00:39:43.590 --> 00:39:45.966
-You know that's fucking nuts, right?
-Are you serious?

900
00:39:46.051 --> 00:39:48.635
I can't even take my shirt off
in front of other people because of you.

901
00:39:48.928 --> 00:39:51.096
Because of me. What did I do this time?

902
00:39:51.473 --> 00:39:52.973
Let me jog your memory.

903
00:39:59.064 --> 00:40:00.481
The New Kids on the Block!

904
00:40:00.857 --> 00:40:01.899
Holy shit!

905
00:40:01.983 --> 00:40:04.109
Their heads are all warped now!

906
00:40:04.194 --> 00:40:05.611
Oh, my God!

907
00:40:05.695 --> 00:40:07.905
Yeah, it's 'cause I got it
when I was in third grade.

908
00:40:07.989 --> 00:40:09.073
My body grew.

909
00:40:09.157 --> 00:40:11.241
I'm sorry. It's fine, it's fine.
Let me see it again.

910
00:40:12.827 --> 00:40:14.620
Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh

911
00:40:14.704 --> 00:40:16.872
You got a back tattoo

912
00:40:16.956 --> 00:40:18.749
Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh

913
00:40:18.833 --> 00:40:20.584
Their heads are fucking warped

914
00:40:21.252 --> 00:40:23.045
-You suck.
-Come on, dude.

915
00:40:23.129 --> 00:40:24.338
Why you getting so serious?

916
00:40:24.464 --> 00:40:26.507
I still got the tattoo I got when I was...

917
00:40:26.591 --> 00:40:29.343
When I was a teenager.
And I'm fine with it, you know.

918
00:40:31.429 --> 00:40:34.014
"De plane! De plane!"

919
00:40:34.808 --> 00:40:35.891
"De plane!"

920
00:40:36.309 --> 00:40:38.936
Yeah, I remember it.
I still don't know who that is.

921
00:40:39.687 --> 00:40:40.938
It's fucking...

922
00:40:41.022 --> 00:40:43.232
"De plane, de plane" guy
from Fantasy lsland.

923
00:40:43.316 --> 00:40:44.316
Tattoo.

924
00:40:44.400 --> 00:40:46.360
I got a tattoo of Tattoo.
I thought that was funny.

925
00:40:46.694 --> 00:40:47.820
Well, it's not.

926
00:40:48.113 --> 00:40:49.404
Lighten up, dude. Come on.

927
00:40:49.489 --> 00:40:50.864
-"De plane!"
-Don't. Donny, don't.

928
00:40:51.282 --> 00:40:52.407
-I'm serious.
-"De plane!"

929
00:40:52.492 --> 00:40:53.492
-No.
-You're still ticklish.

930
00:40:53.576 --> 00:40:55.202
No, I'm not ticklish!

931
00:40:58.039 --> 00:40:59.456
-Come on, now!
-The tickle monster.

932
00:40:59.541 --> 00:41:01.750
-I tickle you like that.
-No.

933
00:41:01.835 --> 00:41:02.960
Stop! No, stop it!

934
00:41:03.044 --> 00:41:04.419
Watch yourself.

935
00:41:04.838 --> 00:41:06.630
Stop it! Stop it, no!

936
00:41:07.715 --> 00:41:08.924
Give me that, Hansie.

937
00:41:09.175 --> 00:41:10.884
Why is your dick in my face?

938
00:41:10.969 --> 00:41:12.678
And why is it kind of hard?

939
00:41:12.804 --> 00:41:15.264
What are you two homos doing?

940
00:41:19.811 --> 00:41:21.061
Just rasslin'.

941
00:41:21.771 --> 00:41:22.813
All right.

942
00:41:22.897 --> 00:41:24.898
'Cause you're looking at an all-state
fucking wrestling champion,

943
00:41:24.983 --> 00:41:26.233
and I got the winner.

944
00:41:26.401 --> 00:41:27.651
Okay. Well, he won.

945
00:41:27.735 --> 00:41:29.111
-No, I didn't.
-Yeah, you did. You won.

946
00:41:29.195 --> 00:41:30.195
What? No, I didn't.

947
00:41:30.280 --> 00:41:31.989
You're gonna love it, buddy. Wrestle him.

948
00:41:32.073 --> 00:41:33.574
-Yeah, Chad.
-No, no.

949
00:41:33.741 --> 00:41:35.033
It's actually a funny story.

950
00:41:35.118 --> 00:41:36.243
We were having a tickle fight.

951
00:41:36.327 --> 00:41:37.327
We weren't wrestling at all.

952
00:41:37.412 --> 00:41:39.204
I was losing, admittedly.

953
00:41:39.289 --> 00:41:41.874
Aw, God, I got to start doing
some crunches or something.

954
00:41:41.958 --> 00:41:43.083
Look at this.

955
00:41:44.752 --> 00:41:46.086
Oh, you don't like him?

956
00:41:46.254 --> 00:41:47.713
Oh, we don't like you.

957
00:41:48.423 --> 00:41:50.257
He's talking to his dick, buddy.

958
00:41:52.093 --> 00:41:53.260
Now he's hitting it.

959
00:41:53.887 --> 00:41:54.928
No! Why?

960
00:41:55.096 --> 00:41:57.639
You got to puff that fucker up!

961
00:41:58.057 --> 00:41:59.099
Oh, what? No.

962
00:41:59.184 --> 00:42:01.143
You don't have to puff that fucker up.

963
00:42:01.269 --> 00:42:02.436
Let's do this.

964
00:42:02.520 --> 00:42:04.479
Chad, I'm sure you're very athletic... Okay!

965
00:42:04.564 --> 00:42:05.731
Okay!

966
00:42:06.024 --> 00:42:08.108
I tap out. You win, you win. I tap out.

967
00:42:08.193 --> 00:42:10.652
Do you like fucking my sister, Todd?

968
00:42:11.112 --> 00:42:13.739
I mean, do you like
sticking your dirty booger fingers in her?

969
00:42:14.866 --> 00:42:15.866
Whoa, what was that?

970
00:42:15.950 --> 00:42:17.576
Let's all just keep our heads, okay?

971
00:42:17.660 --> 00:42:18.952
We've all been drinking a lot tonight.

972
00:42:19.120 --> 00:42:21.038
I'm gonna skull-fuck you...

973
00:42:23.917 --> 00:42:25.792
And that is the end of that.

974
00:42:28.296 --> 00:42:30.172
What, you're mad at me?

975
00:42:30.715 --> 00:42:32.591
How am I the fucking bad guy right now?

976
00:42:33.134 --> 00:42:36.011
You're gonna fucking give me shit
with that tattoo on your back?

977
00:42:36.095 --> 00:42:38.055
Look at that stupid fucking thing.

978
00:42:38.306 --> 00:42:39.973
Good buddy, he'll be fine.

979
00:42:40.225 --> 00:42:42.893
Yeah, so we got Chad
all tucked in, safe and sound.

980
00:42:43.102 --> 00:42:44.978
I never heard of him
passing out drunk before.

981
00:42:45.146 --> 00:42:46.230
Yeah, it was crazy. It was like,

982
00:42:46.314 --> 00:42:48.523
one second, he was with us, totally awake.

983
00:42:48.608 --> 00:42:50.317
Next thing you know, he's face down,

984
00:42:50.860 --> 00:42:51.985
birds a-chirpin'.

985
00:42:53.821 --> 00:42:55.322
What do you think?

986
00:42:55.990 --> 00:42:57.032
You look amazing.

987
00:42:57.367 --> 00:42:58.617
Oh, wait! Isn't it bad luck

988
00:42:58.701 --> 00:43:00.452
for me to see the dress
before the wedding, though?

989
00:43:00.536 --> 00:43:03.038
This is a $1 2,000 Vera Wang dress.

990
00:43:03.164 --> 00:43:04.331
I'm gonna wear it whenever I want.

991
00:43:05.250 --> 00:43:08.043
You'd look hot in a $1 2 Wang Chung dress.

992
00:43:08.753 --> 00:43:10.337
That sounds like a line Donny would say.

993
00:43:10.505 --> 00:43:11.755
Yeah, except he'd say,

994
00:43:11.839 --> 00:43:15.008
"You'd look friggin' hot
in a Wang Dang Sweet Poontang dress."

995
00:43:15.510 --> 00:43:18.303
Just think he's, like,
trailer park-y or something, you know?

996
00:43:18.513 --> 00:43:20.013
-Yeah.
-That's probably why his son ran off.

997
00:43:20.348 --> 00:43:21.682
His what? What? Who? His son about...

998
00:43:21.849 --> 00:43:23.475
What'd he say?
What did you hear? Did he say something?

999
00:43:23.559 --> 00:43:26.436
Just look at the first page of that book
he's been handing out to everyone.

1000
00:43:26.521 --> 00:43:28.146
He has? What? No.

1001
00:43:29.315 --> 00:43:31.066
Head in the Class?

1002
00:43:31.359 --> 00:43:35.028
He said it's like Head ofthe CIass,
only with blowjobs.

1003
00:43:35.822 --> 00:43:37.072
It's gross.

1004
00:43:37.365 --> 00:43:39.116
Yeah, it's gross. Blowjobs are gross.

1005
00:43:39.200 --> 00:43:40.367
We don't do those.

1006
00:43:40.952 --> 00:43:42.911
"Dear Jamie,
I know you'll make Todd very happy

1007
00:43:42.996 --> 00:43:44.454
"if you bleach your little brown eye."

1008
00:43:44.539 --> 00:43:46.373
Oh, no, not this part.

1009
00:43:56.551 --> 00:43:58.385
Wow, that's sad.

1010
00:44:02.056 --> 00:44:03.724
That weirdly got me.

1011
00:44:03.808 --> 00:44:07.019
I don't know why it got me, but it just got me.

1012
00:44:09.522 --> 00:44:10.772
Can I get a hug right now, or...

1013
00:44:10.982 --> 00:44:13.191
No, no, no, no! We can't wrinkle the dress.

1014
00:44:13.276 --> 00:44:15.152
Hey, if you don't want to wrinkle the dress,

1015
00:44:15.236 --> 00:44:17.112
may I suggest we just remove it?

1016
00:44:17.322 --> 00:44:18.488
Did you take two Xanax?

1017
00:44:18.573 --> 00:44:20.949
I actually took three Xanax.

1018
00:44:21.034 --> 00:44:23.243
And you know that the Xanax makes me

1019
00:44:23.494 --> 00:44:26.663
"H" to the "O" to the "R" To the "N" to the "Y"

1020
00:44:26.748 --> 00:44:27.789
So horny for my fiancée

1021
00:44:27.874 --> 00:44:29.541
No! Down.

1022
00:44:30.418 --> 00:44:32.419
I don't want to have sex
with my family in the house.

1023
00:44:32.754 --> 00:44:33.712
No, I know.

1024
00:44:33.796 --> 00:44:36.173
I don't want to have sex
with your family, either.

1025
00:44:36.257 --> 00:44:37.507
In the house.

1026
00:44:38.092 --> 00:44:39.343
Came out weird.

1027
00:44:40.178 --> 00:44:42.804
Possibly my last night of
spanking the hell out of it

1028
00:44:42.889 --> 00:44:45.557
without having a roommate
watching me, so...

1029
00:44:45.933 --> 00:44:47.434
What do we got to work with here?

1030
00:44:52.774 --> 00:44:54.274
Rich people magazines.

1031
00:44:56.444 --> 00:44:58.403
Let's see what we got.

1032
00:45:00.948 --> 00:45:04.076
If I hadn't partied with her husband
so many times, I would.

1033
00:45:04.160 --> 00:45:05.994
But it's disrespectful to him.

1034
00:45:06.913 --> 00:45:08.372
I don't know.

1035
00:45:12.460 --> 00:45:13.460
Hello.

1036
00:45:14.337 --> 00:45:18.006
Jeezum Crow, you really were a model,
weren't you, Grandma?

1037
00:45:18.716 --> 00:45:23.512
Yeah, old Mr. Woolworth really, really knew
how to pick them, didn't he?

1038
00:45:24.639 --> 00:45:27.349
I love that old-time bathing suit.

1039
00:45:28.935 --> 00:45:31.311
I could take you
to the speakeasy, and we could,

1040
00:45:31.604 --> 00:45:33.647
we could do the naked Charleston.

1041
00:45:34.315 --> 00:45:37.401
I have to ship out in the
morning to fight the Nazis,

1042
00:45:37.485 --> 00:45:40.404
so you better give me
something to remember.

1043
00:45:41.406 --> 00:45:42.531
What's that?

1044
00:45:43.324 --> 00:45:44.324
Oh, my God.

1045
00:45:44.909 --> 00:45:48.328
Old lady Grandma wants to
get in on the action, too.

1046
00:45:49.122 --> 00:45:50.414
Should we let her?

1047
00:45:50.498 --> 00:45:52.749
I think we should.

1048
00:45:53.084 --> 00:45:54.459
Oh, my God.

1049
00:45:56.087 --> 00:45:57.671
Why do I like her better right now?

1050
00:45:58.339 --> 00:45:59.589
Oh, you bad...

1051
00:45:59.674 --> 00:46:03.260
What have you done to me?

1052
00:46:05.805 --> 00:46:09.349
We got to go for round two,
but give me a little bit of time.

1053
00:46:10.184 --> 00:46:12.018
Give me a little bit of time.

1054
00:46:15.022 --> 00:46:16.731
Oh, lovely.

1055
00:46:17.316 --> 00:46:18.692
Just lovely.

1056
00:46:26.242 --> 00:46:27.367
Goodness.

1057
00:46:33.708 --> 00:46:34.916
Oh, my word.

1058
00:46:39.005 --> 00:46:42.048
Best man, wedding rehearsal in an hour.

1059
00:46:43.092 --> 00:46:45.051
There's so many tissues.

1060
00:46:49.390 --> 00:46:51.641
Oh, God. You know,
don't touch those, okay? Let's...

1061
00:46:51.809 --> 00:46:53.226
Okay.

1062
00:46:53.394 --> 00:46:54.936
I'm gonna just clean that up.

1063
00:46:55.271 --> 00:46:56.480
Yeah, Donny's sick.

1064
00:46:56.981 --> 00:46:58.773
You don't want to touch these
'cause you'll get sick.

1065
00:46:59.025 --> 00:47:01.067
He's got post-nasal drip, so...

1066
00:47:08.242 --> 00:47:10.660
The tissue's stuck to my picture.

1067
00:47:10.745 --> 00:47:11.912
Here, let me.

1068
00:47:13.915 --> 00:47:15.248
I'll grab that from you. I got it.

1069
00:47:16.417 --> 00:47:19.002
Oh, look at that!
There's a little tissue beard there.

1070
00:47:19.086 --> 00:47:21.213
No, don't touch it, please.
Don't worry about it.

1071
00:47:21.297 --> 00:47:22.756
Oh, that poor dear.

1072
00:47:23.090 --> 00:47:25.217
I'll just get him some nice, fresh juice.

1073
00:47:25.635 --> 00:47:27.135
Juice. That's a great idea.

1074
00:47:27.220 --> 00:47:28.762
Thank you, Grandma D. Thanks.

1075
00:47:29.347 --> 00:47:32.766
You know, hon,
if he's really under the weather,

1076
00:47:32.850 --> 00:47:36.102
maybe it's best
if he doesn't masturbate so much.

1077
00:47:37.688 --> 00:47:38.980
That's good advice.

1078
00:47:39.065 --> 00:47:40.607
I'll tell him that, thank you.

1079
00:47:44.529 --> 00:47:46.988
Okay, you can stop
pretending to sleep, Sir Jizz-a-lot.

1080
00:47:47.448 --> 00:47:50.992
The old broad knew I was whacking to
her the whole time, didn't she?

1081
00:47:51.327 --> 00:47:52.369
That's so funny.

1082
00:47:52.453 --> 00:47:55.789
But your improvs were awesome.
"Post-nasal dick," or whatever you said.

1083
00:47:55.998 --> 00:48:00.252
You know, I can't believe
your balls produce that much stuff.

1084
00:48:00.711 --> 00:48:02.337
Dude, at least I got balls.

1085
00:48:02.630 --> 00:48:03.838
What's that supposed to mean?

1086
00:48:05.007 --> 00:48:08.176
Let me just crack open
some happiness first, yeah.

1087
00:48:09.303 --> 00:48:10.887
All I'm saying is the Chad thing,

1088
00:48:10.972 --> 00:48:12.681
when that dude came at you last night,

1089
00:48:12.974 --> 00:48:14.975
you kind of, like,
looked like a deer in headlights.

1090
00:48:15.393 --> 00:48:18.270
Your whole aura is actually that of a pussy.

1091
00:48:18.354 --> 00:48:19.563
Or a kiss-ass.

1092
00:48:19.647 --> 00:48:20.981
It is not.

1093
00:48:22.024 --> 00:48:23.066
It is, too.

1094
00:48:23.818 --> 00:48:25.277
What the fuck am I doing?

1095
00:48:25.361 --> 00:48:27.654
No, I'm just saying
you got to stand up for yourself

1096
00:48:27.780 --> 00:48:29.990
every once in a while, buddy,
or she's never gonna bang you.

1097
00:48:30.366 --> 00:48:32.951
I'll have you know, she bangs me all the time.

1098
00:48:33.160 --> 00:48:34.661
All right? She bangs.

1099
00:48:35.329 --> 00:48:37.789
Does she live the Ia vida Ioca, too, or...

1100
00:48:38.332 --> 00:48:39.374
Very funny.

1101
00:48:44.338 --> 00:48:45.380
Well, good day, everyone.

1102
00:48:45.464 --> 00:48:46.548
Father.

1103
00:48:46.632 --> 00:48:48.883
Father McNally, thank you so much
for coming out to the Cape.

1104
00:48:49.093 --> 00:48:50.093
My honor.

1105
00:48:50.177 --> 00:48:51.219
Very cool.

1106
00:48:51.304 --> 00:48:52.304
Oh, yes.

1107
00:48:52.888 --> 00:48:54.014
Chad.

1108
00:48:54.974 --> 00:48:56.600
You'll excuse me, won't you?

1109
00:48:56.934 --> 00:48:59.227
While you're in this church,
you'll show the proper respect.

1110
00:48:59.645 --> 00:49:01.646
No e-mailing, no texting,

1111
00:49:02.648 --> 00:49:06.276
no Facebooking,
no Skyping and no Angry Birds.

1112
00:49:06.902 --> 00:49:08.236
That one hurts.

1113
00:49:08.988 --> 00:49:10.864
No, no. I get it.

1114
00:49:11.324 --> 00:49:12.866
It's the 201 0s.

1115
00:49:13.242 --> 00:49:15.201
Everyone's having sex and drinking lattes.

1116
00:49:15.411 --> 00:49:16.953
No, Father.

1117
00:49:17.747 --> 00:49:20.040
But, you see, this is my world.

1118
00:49:21.042 --> 00:49:23.043
We'll abide by my rules while we're here.

1119
00:49:24.378 --> 00:49:27.339
Maybe we should start
with the father of the groom.

1120
00:49:30.217 --> 00:49:31.551
His father passed away.

1121
00:49:31.844 --> 00:49:33.511
He died in an explosion.

1122
00:49:34.388 --> 00:49:37.307
Sounds fishy, but it really happened.

1123
00:49:41.020 --> 00:49:42.771
I'm truly sorry to hear that, son.

1124
00:49:43.230 --> 00:49:45.231
Thank you, but it's fine.

1125
00:49:45.900 --> 00:49:46.900
He deserved it.

1126
00:49:47.234 --> 00:49:48.568
So...

1127
00:49:48.653 --> 00:49:50.070
What is that supposed to mean?

1128
00:49:50.404 --> 00:49:52.322
Oh, I didn't mean anything by it.

1129
00:49:52.406 --> 00:49:54.532
He just, you know, wasn't a great dad.

1130
00:50:04.377 --> 00:50:06.753
So your father, he abused you, did he?

1131
00:50:07.421 --> 00:50:08.755
No, nothing like that.

1132
00:50:09.131 --> 00:50:11.257
Was he a murderer? Rapist?

1133
00:50:12.885 --> 00:50:14.260
No. Father, I'm sorry, I...

1134
00:50:14.345 --> 00:50:18.264
My father beat me every day with a rake.

1135
00:50:19.934 --> 00:50:23.186
But you don't hear me smack-talking him
like some baby little princess.

1136
00:50:23.270 --> 00:50:25.021
Not here in the house of the Lord.

1137
00:50:36.617 --> 00:50:39.160
You know, I can't hear a word you're saying.

1138
00:50:41.706 --> 00:50:44.374
All I can focus on is your shit breath.

1139
00:50:49.797 --> 00:50:52.882
I'd like to show you the garden for a minute.

1140
00:51:00.433 --> 00:51:01.474
Now, then.

1141
00:51:01.642 --> 00:51:02.892
Okay, you know what? Let's just...

1142
00:51:08.858 --> 00:51:09.899
Fucking old guy's got

1143
00:51:09.984 --> 00:51:11.276
-a cannon on him.
-What happened?

1144
00:51:11.360 --> 00:51:13.361
What happened
is I think he's having a mini-meltdown.

1145
00:51:13.779 --> 00:51:15.572
-Yeah, he's taking his shirt off now.
-Oh, my God.

1146
00:51:15.656 --> 00:51:19.117
And he's pretty ripped for an old fuck,
so we're in trouble right now.

1147
00:51:19.618 --> 00:51:20.827
What is going on here?

1148
00:51:20.953 --> 00:51:22.078
All right, all right.

1149
00:51:22.163 --> 00:51:23.204
Go time, go time.

1150
00:51:23.289 --> 00:51:24.330
No, think about what you're doing!

1151
00:51:24.457 --> 00:51:25.665
Be careful.

1152
00:51:26.125 --> 00:51:27.417
He bit me!

1153
00:51:27.668 --> 00:51:28.835
Did you see that? That was amazing!

1154
00:51:28.961 --> 00:51:29.961
This could get ugly.

1155
00:51:30.045 --> 00:51:32.172
The Father actually killed a guy in the ring.

1156
00:51:32.256 --> 00:51:33.548
That's why he became a priest.

1157
00:51:34.425 --> 00:51:35.759
Just keep your hands up, kid!

1158
00:51:35.843 --> 00:51:36.843
Get 'em down!

1159
00:51:36.927 --> 00:51:38.386
Hang in there, guy!

1160
00:51:39.180 --> 00:51:40.513
He keeps punching him!

1161
00:51:42.725 --> 00:51:43.892
Come on, guy.

1162
00:51:45.811 --> 00:51:46.853
That's my boy!

1163
00:51:46.937 --> 00:51:49.856
Why, you came right back
with your own shit. Nice, kid.

1164
00:51:53.652 --> 00:51:54.652
What the fuck is that?

1165
00:51:54.737 --> 00:51:56.780
Okay, he's going to
a whole other place right now.

1166
00:52:00.159 --> 00:52:01.284
You know what? Maybe just run.

1167
00:52:01.368 --> 00:52:03.495
Get the fuck out of here. Go, go, go, go, go.

1168
00:52:04.246 --> 00:52:05.288
No.

1169
00:52:06.081 --> 00:52:07.165
I'm not gonna run.

1170
00:52:07.291 --> 00:52:08.708
Finish him, Father McNally!

1171
00:52:08.793 --> 00:52:10.168
Finish him!

1172
00:52:23.724 --> 00:52:26.851
Geez. He went down
like a sack of potatoes, huh?

1173
00:52:30.397 --> 00:52:32.065
What is the matter with you?

1174
00:52:32.233 --> 00:52:34.567
You know, we've known
Father McNally for 30 years.

1175
00:52:34.652 --> 00:52:36.152
-Thirty years! Thirty years.
-Thirty years.

1176
00:52:36.487 --> 00:52:37.570
I ought to rip off your head!

1177
00:52:39.114 --> 00:52:40.114
Gerald!

1178
00:52:40.199 --> 00:52:41.407
I'm sorry.

1179
00:52:41.492 --> 00:52:44.118
Sorry's not gonna keep you
from burning in hell, Todd.

1180
00:52:44.411 --> 00:52:45.954
Hey, this is all my fault.

1181
00:52:46.038 --> 00:52:47.831
I shouldn't have hit the guy with the bottle.

1182
00:52:47.915 --> 00:52:49.290
I'm, like, a moron over here.

1183
00:52:49.500 --> 00:52:51.501
No, now, Donny,
I will not let you take the blame for this.

1184
00:52:51.585 --> 00:52:53.753
You had to do it. You saved his life again.

1185
00:52:54.213 --> 00:52:56.089
And you looked very sexy doing it.

1186
00:52:57.883 --> 00:53:00.260
Why was the sound of that bottle so familiar?

1187
00:53:00.427 --> 00:53:02.262
Todd is such a loser.

1188
00:53:02.763 --> 00:53:03.972
Here comes your girl. Here we go.

1189
00:53:04.723 --> 00:53:05.849
Jame, I'm sorry, but, look,

1190
00:53:05.933 --> 00:53:07.433
you got to admit,
I stood up for myself back there.

1191
00:53:07.643 --> 00:53:09.769
Do you have fucking rocks
in your head, Todd?

1192
00:53:10.271 --> 00:53:11.271
No.

1193
00:53:11.355 --> 00:53:12.355
Well, where are we gonna get married now?

1194
00:53:12.439 --> 00:53:13.773
We got kicked out of the church!

1195
00:53:13.858 --> 00:53:15.066
Jame...

1196
00:53:15.442 --> 00:53:16.568
What is everybody's problem?

1197
00:53:16.652 --> 00:53:18.403
You were awesome out there.
You kicked ass.

1198
00:53:18.487 --> 00:53:20.280
-You should be proud of yourself.
-Proud of myself?

1199
00:53:20.698 --> 00:53:21.865
For what?

1200
00:53:21.949 --> 00:53:24.409
I got my ass kicked,
and everyone's pissed off at me.

1201
00:53:24.493 --> 00:53:26.911
And, by the way,
thanks for the fatherly advice, guy.

1202
00:53:27.538 --> 00:53:29.289
That's the last time I listen to you.

1203
00:53:34.003 --> 00:53:35.086
-I'm gonna choke him out!
-He's an asshole!

1204
00:53:35.212 --> 00:53:36.504
I'm gonna choke him out.

1205
00:53:36.589 --> 00:53:38.089
I'm just gonna choke him out.

1206
00:53:38.299 --> 00:53:39.465
Hey, guys, guys?

1207
00:53:39.550 --> 00:53:42.302
Can I just say
something before we all turn on Todd?

1208
00:53:43.262 --> 00:53:45.054
Churches freak the kid out,

1209
00:53:45.139 --> 00:53:47.015
ever since his father's funeral.

1210
00:53:47.349 --> 00:53:48.808
After the explosion,

1211
00:53:49.393 --> 00:53:55.690
all that was left of his dad was, like,
a kneecap and a little bit of nut sack.

1212
00:53:57.443 --> 00:53:59.694
It was supposed to be a closed casket,

1213
00:53:59.778 --> 00:54:01.946
but there was a foul-up at the mortuary,

1214
00:54:02.031 --> 00:54:04.032
and he actually saw a squirrel

1215
00:54:04.116 --> 00:54:07.201
run into the coffin and kind of

1216
00:54:08.078 --> 00:54:10.455
squeak out of there with his
dad's ball bag in his mouth.

1217
00:54:10.539 --> 00:54:12.624
You know, that's gonna
fuck any of us up, so...

1218
00:54:13.584 --> 00:54:15.209
So you actually knew Todd's father?

1219
00:54:15.586 --> 00:54:17.086
Of course I knew the guy.

1220
00:54:17.171 --> 00:54:19.005
He was handsome, he had fucking great hair,

1221
00:54:19.423 --> 00:54:21.174
a Jedi with the chicks.

1222
00:54:21.884 --> 00:54:24.844
Went down on girls
for a wicked long time 'cause he was a giver

1223
00:54:24.929 --> 00:54:26.471
and he wanted to see others be happy.

1224
00:54:27.097 --> 00:54:28.765
I wish I could have met him.

1225
00:54:30.184 --> 00:54:31.351
Sounds like a gentleman.

1226
00:54:32.728 --> 00:54:34.437
Was he there enough for the kid?

1227
00:54:34.521 --> 00:54:35.813
No, maybe not. But,

1228
00:54:36.065 --> 00:54:38.524
you know, he probably felt bad about it.

1229
00:54:38.901 --> 00:54:41.819
You know, and there's nothing
he can do about it now, so...

1230
00:54:42.863 --> 00:54:43.988
Toddsy.

1231
00:54:44.740 --> 00:54:46.115
Oh, Todd.

1232
00:54:46.200 --> 00:54:47.659
I had no idea.

1233
00:54:48.202 --> 00:54:49.327
Poor thing. Are you okay?

1234
00:54:49.411 --> 00:54:50.411
Yeah, yeah.

1235
00:54:50.704 --> 00:54:51.704
It's fine, but

1236
00:54:52.206 --> 00:54:54.082
sometimes I do still have nightmares.

1237
00:54:54.208 --> 00:54:55.208
Oh, boy.

1238
00:54:55.376 --> 00:54:57.961
That squirrel and its demonic eyes.

1239
00:54:58.963 --> 00:55:01.339
Tiny piece of skin flapping in its mouth.

1240
00:55:02.383 --> 00:55:04.258
One lone scraggly hair.

1241
00:55:05.219 --> 00:55:06.719
A pubic hair.

1242
00:55:07.137 --> 00:55:09.222
I mean, maybe this is
a blessing, though, guys.

1243
00:55:09.306 --> 00:55:11.307
Do we really want
Father McNutty to be the one

1244
00:55:11.392 --> 00:55:13.434
who brings these two guys together?

1245
00:55:13.519 --> 00:55:14.769
I mean, I don't think so.

1246
00:55:15.104 --> 00:55:17.271
I'm pretty tied into the church crowd,

1247
00:55:17.356 --> 00:55:19.190
Rageaholics Anonymous and whatnot.

1248
00:55:19.274 --> 00:55:20.650
I could find a priest for you.

1249
00:55:20.734 --> 00:55:22.026
I mean, what type are we looking for?

1250
00:55:22.194 --> 00:55:23.403
Maybe a younger guy.

1251
00:55:23.487 --> 00:55:24.487
Younger guy.

1252
00:55:24.571 --> 00:55:25.655
How about a black guy?

1253
00:55:25.864 --> 00:55:27.323
Now, I like that.

1254
00:55:27.408 --> 00:55:29.283
It's very urban, very street.

1255
00:55:29.618 --> 00:55:30.618
Okay.

1256
00:55:30.786 --> 00:55:32.829
But that still doesn't get us a church.

1257
00:55:33.122 --> 00:55:36.833
Well, I'll tell you where I would tie the knot
if I was these two sexy kids.

1258
00:55:43.048 --> 00:55:44.882
Donny, this is just such a great idea.

1259
00:55:44.967 --> 00:55:46.384
-Thanks.
-Don't you love the pergola?

1260
00:55:46.468 --> 00:55:47.677
They're gorgeous!

1261
00:55:47.761 --> 00:55:50.596
You know what,
maybe a little more girly shit up on the arch.

1262
00:55:50.723 --> 00:55:51.806
You know, you're right.

1263
00:55:51.890 --> 00:55:54.851
Excuse me, sir,
put some more girly shit up there.

1264
00:55:54.935 --> 00:55:56.185
Calling all ladies!

1265
00:55:56.270 --> 00:55:58.229
The bus for the bachelorette party is here!
Come on!

1266
00:55:58.939 --> 00:56:01.274
Honey, you guys have fun
at the bachelor party!

1267
00:56:01.483 --> 00:56:02.525
Okay.

1268
00:56:02.609 --> 00:56:04.318
Don't get too crazy. Know your limits.

1269
00:56:05.112 --> 00:56:07.238
-Okay.
-We're having a bachelor party?

1270
00:56:07.448 --> 00:56:08.573
That's, like, my thing, man.

1271
00:56:09.074 --> 00:56:11.701
Hookers, blow, balloons filled with piss.

1272
00:56:11.785 --> 00:56:13.786
I mean, the sky's the limit, kid.

1273
00:56:14.121 --> 00:56:15.872
No, no, no. Donny, we're all set.

1274
00:56:15.956 --> 00:56:18.791
I have arranged
a very special evening for us tonight.

1275
00:56:19.668 --> 00:56:21.711
This is gonna be awesome!

1276
00:56:22.629 --> 00:56:24.881
I read about this place in Oprah's magazine.

1277
00:56:24.965 --> 00:56:29.093
I don't know if she writes the articles herself,
but there's some real good stuff in it.

1278
00:56:29.178 --> 00:56:31.637
Hi, we're for the Todd Peterson party, please.

1279
00:56:31.930 --> 00:56:33.014
Good evening, gentlemen.

1280
00:56:33.265 --> 00:56:34.807
Mrs. Ravensdale.

1281
00:56:34.892 --> 00:56:36.309
Phil, what a blessing.

1282
00:56:36.935 --> 00:56:41.147
Welcome to your bachelor party package
here at He Time Spa For Men.

1283
00:56:41.356 --> 00:56:43.024
Woo-hoo, motherfucker!

1284
00:56:43.108 --> 00:56:45.234
Okay. All right.

1285
00:56:45.319 --> 00:56:47.528
We're gonna set you up
with some nice plush robes,

1286
00:56:47.613 --> 00:56:49.655
and then we have
a wonderful full evening planned

1287
00:56:49.740 --> 00:56:51.949
with massage, facial and nail treatments,

1288
00:56:52.409 --> 00:56:54.577
and then we're going to send you home

1289
00:56:54.661 --> 00:56:59.415
with a special gift
of our house-made lavender scrub.

1290
00:57:00.667 --> 00:57:03.169
Confucius say,
"What the fuck are you talking about?"

1291
00:57:03.879 --> 00:57:04.962
No, Donny,

1292
00:57:05.506 --> 00:57:07.465
Phil thought
it would be nice before the wedding

1293
00:57:07.549 --> 00:57:10.093
for us to all take a little time
to just chill and mellow.

1294
00:57:10.385 --> 00:57:13.221
My wife and I have been
burning it on both ends all week

1295
00:57:13.305 --> 00:57:14.764
with the preschool applications,

1296
00:57:14.848 --> 00:57:16.599
and I am ready to be pampered!

1297
00:57:19.144 --> 00:57:21.479
All right, all right. Now we're talking.

1298
00:57:21.563 --> 00:57:23.439
Hey, thanks, honey.
What the fuck's your name?

1299
00:57:23.524 --> 00:57:24.941
-Jessica. All right.
-Yeah.

1300
00:57:25.025 --> 00:57:26.275
Hey, come on. Here's to the kid.

1301
00:57:26.360 --> 00:57:29.320
He's fucking getting all fucked up tonight!

1302
00:57:29.404 --> 00:57:30.446
Last night!

1303
00:57:30.531 --> 00:57:32.865
Fucking last night of poontang for this kid.

1304
00:57:37.663 --> 00:57:39.163
What the fuck is this?

1305
00:57:40.666 --> 00:57:43.876
It's water infused with cucumber,
rose petal and harvest sandalwood.

1306
00:57:44.711 --> 00:57:47.672
It tastes like fucking dick infused with balls.

1307
00:57:49.216 --> 00:57:51.467
And a side of fucking Rod Stewart's jizz.

1308
00:57:53.053 --> 00:57:57.098
Wait a minute. What are we drinking
water at a fucking bachelor party for, Phil?

1309
00:57:57.808 --> 00:57:59.767
You got to show my son your tits later.

1310
00:57:59.852 --> 00:58:02.228
Promise me. Promise me.

1311
00:58:05.149 --> 00:58:07.108
That's nice. Yeah, good.

1312
00:58:07.568 --> 00:58:08.943
This is great, sweetheart.

1313
00:58:09.570 --> 00:58:10.653
Really good.

1314
00:58:10.737 --> 00:58:12.405
Nice work. You're going deep on us, huh?

1315
00:58:13.198 --> 00:58:15.116
That's it.

1316
00:58:15.868 --> 00:58:16.909
What's this, sir?

1317
00:58:16.994 --> 00:58:21.330
That's just a little tip, you know,
if you give me a full package.

1318
00:58:21.748 --> 00:58:24.458
Okay. That's a $1 50 additional charge.

1319
00:58:25.294 --> 00:58:26.627
You're talking to the wrong guy.

1320
00:58:26.712 --> 00:58:27.837
That's a little out of my price range.

1321
00:58:27.921 --> 00:58:30.715
It includes scalp treatment, reflexology.

1322
00:58:30.799 --> 00:58:32.675
How much is it to tickle my pickle?

1323
00:58:33.218 --> 00:58:36.262
To yank my crank?
To give me a ho-jo to go?

1324
00:58:37.264 --> 00:58:39.432
Sweetheart, I'm not asking
for a finger up the ass.

1325
00:58:39.516 --> 00:58:41.767
I just want you to just jerk it a little bit.

1326
00:58:42.269 --> 00:58:44.645
Donny, this isn't a brothel.

1327
00:58:45.480 --> 00:58:49.025
Then I'm completely confused
what the fuck we're doing here right now!

1328
00:58:49.276 --> 00:58:51.527
So, what, you're just going to
get a hand job in front of all of us?

1329
00:58:52.154 --> 00:58:53.237
I don't know. Am I?

1330
00:58:55.199 --> 00:58:56.616
I guess not!

1331
00:58:57.117 --> 00:59:00.119
You know, I have worked
very hard on this night, Don,

1332
00:59:00.621 --> 00:59:02.371
and you're being just plain rude.

1333
00:59:02.789 --> 00:59:04.874
-Phil, no! Phil!
-No, no. Don't do this.

1334
00:59:07.669 --> 00:59:10.004
Nice. That's nice.

1335
00:59:10.422 --> 00:59:13.466
That's good. That's good.

1336
00:59:14.468 --> 00:59:15.676
It tickles.

1337
00:59:15.761 --> 00:59:17.511
Just fight through it, man. It's worth it.

1338
00:59:17.596 --> 00:59:20.223
If you stop, I swear I will kill you.

1339
00:59:26.063 --> 00:59:27.939
You know what,
if I don't see a tit in five minutes,

1340
00:59:28.023 --> 00:59:29.315
I'm going to strangle this motherfucker.

1341
00:59:29.775 --> 00:59:33.319
You should be ashamed of yourself
for fucking arranging this bullshit!

1342
00:59:33.820 --> 00:59:35.363
Well, I feel very relaxed,

1343
00:59:35.447 --> 00:59:37.698
and I think this was
a good use of a Groupon.

1344
00:59:37.991 --> 00:59:39.533
You fucked us, buddy!

1345
00:59:40.202 --> 00:59:42.745
Five more minutes till you
get to choose amongst four

1346
00:59:42.829 --> 00:59:45.164
artisanal house-blended
chocolates, gentlemen.

1347
00:59:47.125 --> 00:59:48.626
We can't let tonight end like this, boys.

1348
00:59:48.710 --> 00:59:49.794
We got to go out.

1349
00:59:49.878 --> 00:59:52.004
I'm telling you, I can't let my son have a...

1350
00:59:52.172 --> 00:59:55.800
My son of a gun best friend
have his bachelor party be this.

1351
00:59:56.134 --> 00:59:58.970
You fucking... You guys got your
face covered in leprechaun shit.

1352
00:59:59.680 --> 01:00:01.264
We should be getting whacked off,

1353
01:00:01.348 --> 01:00:03.349
all of us, as a fucking team!

1354
01:00:04.184 --> 01:00:07.186
Donny, I think
we've had enough excitement for one night.

1355
01:00:07.604 --> 01:00:10.481
Besides, it's not like you can throw
together a whole other party this late.

1356
01:00:10.565 --> 01:00:14.568
I could have six chicks making out
with each other on our laps in 1 0 minutes.

1357
01:00:15.404 --> 01:00:16.821
I could stay out a little later.

1358
01:00:17.447 --> 01:00:18.447
Bam!

1359
01:00:18.907 --> 01:00:21.575
We gonna get our dicks sucked.

1360
01:00:22.494 --> 01:00:23.536
There it is.

1361
01:00:23.662 --> 01:00:26.122
Unless, Mrs. Ravensdale,
you want to whip them knockers out?

1362
01:00:26.206 --> 01:00:27.248
We'd love to see them.

1363
01:00:27.374 --> 01:00:28.416
All right, you know what?

1364
01:00:28.500 --> 01:00:31.502
You are an imbecilic,
immature, asinine, childish,

1365
01:00:31.586 --> 01:00:34.130
caveman-like, hairy-knuckled,
single-chromosomal,

1366
01:00:34.214 --> 01:00:36.674
obnoxious, uneducated, ignorant asshole

1367
01:00:36.758 --> 01:00:39.552
who I would like to fuck hard and long!

1368
01:00:40.929 --> 01:00:42.305
So, I'm going to go put a dent in that.

1369
01:00:42.389 --> 01:00:43.973
You guys get that green jizz off your face.

1370
01:00:44.057 --> 01:00:45.141
I'll be back in 20.

1371
01:00:45.517 --> 01:00:46.600
We're going out, boys!

1372
01:00:47.185 --> 01:00:48.853
Hey, this is the shit,
this place, I'm telling you.

1373
01:00:48.937 --> 01:00:51.272
The hottest chicks, the best Denver omelets.

1374
01:00:51.356 --> 01:00:52.481
-You have to eat one.
-All right.

1375
01:00:52.566 --> 01:00:54.567
-Donny!
-Yeah, this is who I was telling you about!

1376
01:00:54.651 --> 01:00:56.152
-What's up? Give me that.
-I'm so happy to see you.

1377
01:00:56.236 --> 01:00:58.070
-You look so fucking cute!
-I know, right?

1378
01:00:58.905 --> 01:01:02.074
And you brought a military man.

1379
01:01:02.159 --> 01:01:03.743
What's your name, soldier?

1380
01:01:03.910 --> 01:01:06.412
Chad Martin, private first class,
United States Marine Corps.

1381
01:01:06.747 --> 01:01:09.874
You think you can keep that dick
at attention for a couple hours?

1382
01:01:09.958 --> 01:01:11.083
That's an order!

1383
01:01:12.210 --> 01:01:13.294
Already on it.

1384
01:01:14.129 --> 01:01:15.254
Look at my man!

1385
01:01:15.339 --> 01:01:17.631
You guys, let me get in here
and introduce myself.

1386
01:01:17.716 --> 01:01:19.842
Hello. I'm Phil.
I'm married with four children,

1387
01:01:19.926 --> 01:01:22.845
and I have actually
only seen three vaginas in my entire life:

1388
01:01:22.929 --> 01:01:24.138
my wife's, my baby's

1389
01:01:24.222 --> 01:01:27.350
and my aunt's once by accident
on the back of a tandem bike.

1390
01:01:27.809 --> 01:01:29.935
Well, here's number four, baby!

1391
01:01:30.896 --> 01:01:33.439
I'm going to count that
as numbers four and five.

1392
01:01:54.544 --> 01:01:56.712
ChampaIe wouId Iike to dedicate this

1393
01:01:56.797 --> 01:01:58.964
to Mr. Todd Peterson.

1394
01:02:00.717 --> 01:02:02.259
-Yeah, baby. Yeah.
-Here you go.

1395
01:02:03.720 --> 01:02:04.762
Oh, hey.

1396
01:02:04.846 --> 01:02:05.930
Do you want any eggs?

1397
01:02:06.014 --> 01:02:08.307
No. I really have to watch what I eat.

1398
01:02:08.392 --> 01:02:10.017
No fatty foods. But thank you.

1399
01:02:10.268 --> 01:02:11.477
I'm Brie.

1400
01:02:11.561 --> 01:02:12.937
I'm Todd. Nice to meet you.

1401
01:02:13.021 --> 01:02:15.898
I know who you are, Han Solo.

1402
01:02:17.275 --> 01:02:18.484
No, you can't...

1403
01:02:18.568 --> 01:02:20.319
Don't worry, your secret's safe.

1404
01:02:52.269 --> 01:02:53.352
Who did that?

1405
01:03:26.094 --> 01:03:27.887
-Gerald, get in the car.
-I love you, Donny!

1406
01:03:27.971 --> 01:03:29.013
Yeah, I love you. Get in there.

1407
01:03:29.097 --> 01:03:30.514
Man, you got to give me the recipe, man.

1408
01:03:30.599 --> 01:03:32.141
Can't buy everything, Spirou!

1409
01:03:32.225 --> 01:03:33.809
Bro, but they use olive oil, not butter.

1410
01:03:33.894 --> 01:03:34.935
That's the big secret.

1411
01:03:35.020 --> 01:03:36.312
Okay, Chris, get him in there.

1412
01:03:36.396 --> 01:03:38.689
Be gentle, he's protecting our country.

1413
01:03:38.773 --> 01:03:39.857
All right, good night, guys!

1414
01:03:41.693 --> 01:03:43.986
Gerald, you're a sick man, buddy!

1415
01:03:44.154 --> 01:03:45.404
Whoa.

1416
01:03:45.530 --> 01:03:47.615
Hey, what... Where's everybody going?

1417
01:03:47.699 --> 01:03:49.241
I sent them home, guy.

1418
01:03:49.326 --> 01:03:51.410
I thought we could have a little

1419
01:03:51.495 --> 01:03:54.205
best man/groom alone time.

1420
01:03:54.664 --> 01:03:55.956
But shouldn't I go with them?

1421
01:03:56.041 --> 01:03:57.875
'Cause Jamie's gonna get mad at me.

1422
01:03:58.251 --> 01:03:59.376
Easy, guy.

1423
01:03:59.461 --> 01:04:03.589
You're gonna have plenty of time
for her to be mad at you when you're married.

1424
01:04:05.175 --> 01:04:08.135
I got you a wedding gift,
and I want to give it to you alone, all right?

1425
01:04:08.220 --> 01:04:09.261
You got me a gift?

1426
01:04:09.387 --> 01:04:10.638
Of course I got you.

1427
01:04:10.722 --> 01:04:13.224
And I think you might dig it.

1428
01:04:18.313 --> 01:04:19.355
An earring.

1429
01:04:19.814 --> 01:04:24.193
Yeah, I know, but that's an earring
that your mom gave me,

1430
01:04:24.277 --> 01:04:26.695
and I thought maybe we could
keep it in the family, you know?

1431
01:04:26.780 --> 01:04:30.032
Just kind of keep it going,
generation to generation, actually.

1432
01:04:32.035 --> 01:04:34.286
Yeah, but I don't have a pierced ear, Donny.

1433
01:04:35.121 --> 01:04:36.330
Yeah.

1434
01:04:37.624 --> 01:04:38.707
No.

1435
01:04:39.334 --> 01:04:40.543
Yeah.

1436
01:04:43.588 --> 01:04:44.755
All right, fuck it, fuck it.

1437
01:04:44.839 --> 01:04:46.048
Do it, just do it.

1438
01:04:46.675 --> 01:04:47.716
It's not gonna hurt, buddy.

1439
01:04:47.801 --> 01:04:49.051
You got a nice buzz going.

1440
01:04:49.135 --> 01:04:50.386
Yeah, I got it, I got it.

1441
01:04:50.470 --> 01:04:51.720
Hang on.

1442
01:04:52.013 --> 01:04:53.264
Yeah.

1443
01:04:53.348 --> 01:04:54.348
Liquor it up.

1444
01:04:54.432 --> 01:04:55.724
Fuck!

1445
01:04:55.809 --> 01:04:57.142
Come here. Come here.

1446
01:04:58.395 --> 01:05:00.229
Hang in there! Go ahead, just sit still, homie.

1447
01:05:02.482 --> 01:05:03.691
Yeah!

1448
01:05:05.527 --> 01:05:06.819
How we doing?

1449
01:05:07.195 --> 01:05:08.195
Oh, God.

1450
01:05:08.280 --> 01:05:10.155
That's it. That's the way to man up.

1451
01:05:10.699 --> 01:05:12.449
-That wasn't so bad.
-Let me see it.

1452
01:05:13.034 --> 01:05:14.660
Am I bleeding?

1453
01:05:16.621 --> 01:05:17.871
-I don't think so.
-No?

1454
01:05:18.331 --> 01:05:19.582
Does it look good?

1455
01:05:19.666 --> 01:05:22.418
You look like you could be playing
drums for Foreigner or some shit.

1456
01:05:22.502 --> 01:05:23.586
You look like a bad-ass.

1457
01:05:23.878 --> 01:05:25.421
-Really?
-Yeah.

1458
01:05:25.630 --> 01:05:27.923
'Cause it makes me feel kind of...

1459
01:05:28.883 --> 01:05:30.134
Dangerous.

1460
01:05:32.345 --> 01:05:33.554
There he is, man!

1461
01:05:33.638 --> 01:05:36.348
That's your personality,
like when you were seven years old,

1462
01:05:36.474 --> 01:05:39.685
me and Uncle Vanny used to
laugh our asses off from you.

1463
01:05:40.353 --> 01:05:42.146
Uncle Vanny, that's right.

1464
01:05:42.689 --> 01:05:43.939
What happened to that guy?

1465
01:05:44.608 --> 01:05:46.525
Dude, you know what it's time for?

1466
01:05:46.943 --> 01:05:49.737
To get you back together with the old gang.

1467
01:05:51.031 --> 01:05:52.281
Come on.

1468
01:05:52.365 --> 01:05:54.366
I just hope the guy will talk to me.

1469
01:05:54.826 --> 01:05:55.909
Phil!

1470
01:05:55.994 --> 01:05:58.203
Come on, you're gonna get arrested, buddy.

1471
01:05:58.913 --> 01:06:00.956
I shouldn't be doing this.

1472
01:06:01.833 --> 01:06:03.584
No, don't stop, don't stop.

1473
01:06:16.139 --> 01:06:18.891
All right, look.
I came here to tell you I'm sorry

1474
01:06:18.975 --> 01:06:21.393
about what happened
with me and your mother.

1475
01:06:21.936 --> 01:06:24.772
It was an accident,
and it will never happen again.

1476
01:06:26.650 --> 01:06:29.443
That's all I've been waiting for
all these years, man, a simple apology.

1477
01:06:29.527 --> 01:06:30.694
It's water under the bridge.

1478
01:06:30.779 --> 01:06:32.154
Don't sweat it. Holla.

1479
01:06:33.490 --> 01:06:35.407
Wait, are you Vanilla Ice?

1480
01:06:36.576 --> 01:06:38.869
Was Uncle Vanny Vanilla Ice this whole time?

1481
01:06:39.079 --> 01:06:40.162
Who did you think I was?

1482
01:06:40.246 --> 01:06:43.582
I don't know, a friend of my dad's
that wore a lot of parachute pants?

1483
01:06:44.417 --> 01:06:45.501
Man.

1484
01:06:45.585 --> 01:06:47.169
I want to be honest with you, too.

1485
01:06:47.504 --> 01:06:50.005
I never did knock boots with your mother.

1486
01:06:50.423 --> 01:06:51.507
-No?
-No.

1487
01:06:51.591 --> 01:06:53.175
I think she whacked me off outside the pants.

1488
01:06:53.802 --> 01:06:55.386
-No.
-But I didn't finish.

1489
01:06:55.470 --> 01:06:57.179
-Vanny, I didn't finish. I couldn't.
-Yeah?

1490
01:06:57.430 --> 01:06:59.139
-Mom.
-Yeah.

1491
01:06:59.224 --> 01:07:00.474
You know, she did like to fuck.

1492
01:07:00.934 --> 01:07:02.017
That's fucking... Look at him.

1493
01:07:02.102 --> 01:07:03.769
Back to it. Fuck, yeah.

1494
01:07:04.020 --> 01:07:05.479
Hey, Han Solo, you're looking great, man.

1495
01:07:05.563 --> 01:07:06.563
Thank you.

1496
01:07:06.648 --> 01:07:07.940
-You lost some weight.
-Is this kid all right?

1497
01:07:08.024 --> 01:07:09.817
-You're not a little fat kid no more.
-No, no, no.

1498
01:07:09.901 --> 01:07:11.026
-Remember this one?
-No, no.

1499
01:07:11.111 --> 01:07:12.653
Yeah, we used to do this to you all the time.

1500
01:07:12.737 --> 01:07:14.446
-Remember, back in the day?
-Hey, nugget pocket.

1501
01:07:14.531 --> 01:07:16.323
-Nugget pockets.
-No, I'm not a nugget pocket.

1502
01:07:16.408 --> 01:07:18.283
-What's up, nugget pocket?
-No.

1503
01:07:18.785 --> 01:07:20.077
No, but seriously, Iceberg,

1504
01:07:20.161 --> 01:07:21.870
me and my boy got a little head start on you,

1505
01:07:21.955 --> 01:07:24.581
but you got any desire
to get wasted with us?

1506
01:07:24.666 --> 01:07:26.417
More than life itself.

1507
01:07:26.501 --> 01:07:28.961
In fact, I might have
a little head start on you guys.

1508
01:07:29.963 --> 01:07:31.463
What?

1509
01:07:32.507 --> 01:07:34.049
-Yeah.
-It's so illegal.

1510
01:07:34.384 --> 01:07:36.176
I don't want to do that in front of my kid.

1511
01:07:36.261 --> 01:07:38.137
Turn around for a minute. Just turn around.

1512
01:07:38.388 --> 01:07:39.847
Give me that fucking shit.

1513
01:07:41.266 --> 01:07:42.599
What?

1514
01:07:43.810 --> 01:07:45.519
Hey, let's get out of here.

1515
01:07:45.603 --> 01:07:46.729
I did not do that.

1516
01:07:46.813 --> 01:07:48.731
-Let's go have some fun.
-Hey!

1517
01:07:49.107 --> 01:07:51.150
Hey, where you think you're going,
Mr. Vanilla Ice Cream?

1518
01:07:51.484 --> 01:07:52.735
I'm going out for the night, man.

1519
01:07:52.819 --> 01:07:55.738
Hell no, man! You know I don't know
how to fry no damn chicken nuggets!

1520
01:07:55.822 --> 01:07:56.864
It's Todd Bridges.

1521
01:07:56.948 --> 01:07:58.449
Yeah, yeah, watch this.

1522
01:07:58.533 --> 01:08:00.033
What you talking 'bout, Willis?

1523
01:08:00.201 --> 01:08:01.577
You come back and say that to my face,

1524
01:08:01.661 --> 01:08:03.328
you fake white rapping motherfucker!

1525
01:08:03.538 --> 01:08:04.830
Todd, seriously, though, you look great.

1526
01:08:04.914 --> 01:08:06.582
How's Mr. Drummond doing, huh?

1527
01:08:07.542 --> 01:08:09.084
Mister... Fuck you!

1528
01:08:09.169 --> 01:08:10.544
"Mr. Drummond. Mister..."

1529
01:08:11.337 --> 01:08:13.130
Man, I... What you want?

1530
01:08:13.214 --> 01:08:14.298
Bowl of chili nuggets.

1531
01:08:14.382 --> 01:08:15.382
A what?

1532
01:08:15.467 --> 01:08:17.509
You know, that shit ain't on the menu, man!

1533
01:08:19.095 --> 01:08:20.763
Shit, it is. Damn it.

1534
01:08:21.514 --> 01:08:23.891
Fucking skate! Just fucking skate!

1535
01:08:24.517 --> 01:08:25.934
The Berger boys are here!

1536
01:08:26.019 --> 01:08:27.686
Come on, look out! Look out, now!

1537
01:08:27.771 --> 01:08:28.937
What the fuck?

1538
01:08:32.567 --> 01:08:35.194
Hey! Give me my hat back!

1539
01:08:37.197 --> 01:08:38.989
-Do it, do it!
-Give it back!

1540
01:08:41.367 --> 01:08:43.869
Hey, it's a fucking lovely night, ain't it?

1541
01:08:43.953 --> 01:08:45.078
Oh, my God!

1542
01:08:47.332 --> 01:08:49.166
You fucking assholes!

1543
01:08:55.548 --> 01:08:56.715
Go, go!

1544
01:09:00.470 --> 01:09:01.553
What the... Go!

1545
01:09:02.222 --> 01:09:03.347
Go, go, go!

1546
01:09:03.431 --> 01:09:05.057
What the fuck? Get out of here!

1547
01:09:05.809 --> 01:09:06.892
Holy shit!

1548
01:09:09.479 --> 01:09:12.731
You know, they seem like fun guys.

1549
01:09:14.317 --> 01:09:15.818
We're all gonna dive! Let's go!

1550
01:09:16.986 --> 01:09:18.070
What are you doing?

1551
01:09:26.579 --> 01:09:27.871
Oh, my God!

1552
01:09:27.956 --> 01:09:30.082
I didn't... I didn't spill my beer!

1553
01:09:30.166 --> 01:09:31.500
I fucking love it.

1554
01:09:32.919 --> 01:09:34.628
-Fuck!
-You fucking hard-ons!

1555
01:09:49.686 --> 01:09:51.311
"You fucking hard-ons."

1556
01:09:58.736 --> 01:09:59.903
Fucking...

1557
01:10:00.613 --> 01:10:03.156
-What are you doing?
-No, no, no, no!

1558
01:10:05.952 --> 01:10:08.954
-You don't fucking do that, you fucking idiot!
-Yeah!

1559
01:10:09.998 --> 01:10:11.832
Look at this, fuck face. Look at this.

1560
01:10:12.625 --> 01:10:14.209
What the fuck?

1561
01:10:14.794 --> 01:10:15.794
Come on.

1562
01:10:15.879 --> 01:10:17.796
-You fucking guy. I say, take it.
-I can't.

1563
01:10:17.881 --> 01:10:18.881
-Just go, go, go, go, go.
-No, wait, wait.

1564
01:10:18.965 --> 01:10:20.215
Wait, wait, wait. Stop, stop, stop.

1565
01:10:20.300 --> 01:10:22.593
I changed my mind. I'm scared.
I don't want to do it.

1566
01:10:22.677 --> 01:10:24.052
-Oh, man.
-I can't do it.

1567
01:10:24.470 --> 01:10:25.929
You're rubbing your underwear.

1568
01:10:26.264 --> 01:10:28.056
What is that? Why are you doing that?

1569
01:10:28.266 --> 01:10:30.017
I suppose I'm the reason.

1570
01:10:30.310 --> 01:10:32.686
Yeah. Yeah. Remember in first grade

1571
01:10:32.770 --> 01:10:34.271
when you were supposed
to pick me up after school,

1572
01:10:34.355 --> 01:10:35.814
you left me waiting for five hours?

1573
01:10:35.899 --> 01:10:38.358
I had detention myself, guy.

1574
01:10:38.443 --> 01:10:39.985
What the fuck was I supposed to do?

1575
01:10:40.278 --> 01:10:42.738
-Yeah, well, I shit in my pants.
-All right.

1576
01:10:42.822 --> 01:10:45.407
-Then I had to walk all the way home alone.
-All right.

1577
01:10:45.491 --> 01:10:46.617
With shit in my pants.

1578
01:10:46.743 --> 01:10:49.661
Dude, I promise you,
I'll never forget you again.

1579
01:10:49.787 --> 01:10:51.121
I swear to God.

1580
01:10:51.205 --> 01:10:52.289
Throw the fucking things away.

1581
01:10:52.373 --> 01:10:54.374
-Don't fuck with me.
-Throw them away.

1582
01:10:55.376 --> 01:10:58.670
Throw them away. Throw them away.

1583
01:10:58.755 --> 01:11:00.631
Get rid of the fucking underwear,
you don't need that.

1584
01:11:00.715 --> 01:11:02.007
You're better than that, guy.

1585
01:11:02.467 --> 01:11:03.967
Okay, fuck it. Okay, fuck it.

1586
01:11:04.344 --> 01:11:06.094
Squeeze it out and fucking... Yeah.

1587
01:11:09.641 --> 01:11:10.766
You're a good kid.

1588
01:11:10.850 --> 01:11:13.602
Come on, fucking hit this thing
and let's get it rocking.

1589
01:11:14.103 --> 01:11:15.395
-All right. All right?
-Here we go.

1590
01:11:15.480 --> 01:11:17.064
-Come on. Push, push. I got you.
-Okay.

1591
01:11:17.148 --> 01:11:18.774
-I'm not good at it.
-All right.

1592
01:11:18.858 --> 01:11:20.108
It's balance, it's just balance.

1593
01:11:20.193 --> 01:11:21.735
You got this, kid. You're an athlete.

1594
01:11:21.819 --> 01:11:23.737
You got it. No, it's in you, buddy.

1595
01:11:23.821 --> 01:11:24.821
-Straight.
-I don't know how.

1596
01:11:24.906 --> 01:11:26.073
I got you. I ain't gonna let you fall.

1597
01:11:26.157 --> 01:11:27.783
-Don't let me go.
-I won't let you fall.

1598
01:11:27.867 --> 01:11:29.117
-Don't let go.
-All right, I'm still with you.

1599
01:11:29.202 --> 01:11:30.160
-Okay.
-I'm still with you.

1600
01:11:30.244 --> 01:11:32.371
Let's pick up some speed, though.
I'm with you, guy.

1601
01:11:32.455 --> 01:11:33.747
I'm with you. I'm with you.

1602
01:11:33.831 --> 01:11:34.957
-I'm not letting go.
-Don't let me go.

1603
01:11:35.041 --> 01:11:37.167
I'm not letting go. I'm with you, my boy.

1604
01:11:37.251 --> 01:11:38.794
-Wait...
-I'm with you, my boy!

1605
01:11:38.878 --> 01:11:41.296
-Yeah, that's all you!
-I'm doing it!

1606
01:11:41.673 --> 01:11:43.674
-Yeah! Yeah, yeah, baby!
-I'm doing it!

1607
01:11:45.009 --> 01:11:46.551
Oh, my God!

1608
01:11:49.138 --> 01:11:50.263
Are you...

1609
01:11:50.348 --> 01:11:51.348
Kid, are you...

1610
01:11:51.432 --> 01:11:52.766
Are you all right, buddy?

1611
01:11:52.976 --> 01:11:54.142
Sorry.

1612
01:11:54.227 --> 01:11:56.103
-Dude, I'm trying to make love to my wife!
-What the fuck?

1613
01:11:56.187 --> 01:11:57.938
-No!
-Fucking naked people.

1614
01:11:58.022 --> 01:11:59.606
I'm gonna fucking kill you!

1615
01:11:59.691 --> 01:12:00.983
Oh, my God, they're chasing me!

1616
01:12:01.067 --> 01:12:02.359
What the fuck? Get off him!

1617
01:12:02.610 --> 01:12:03.610
Go!

1618
01:12:03.695 --> 01:12:04.903
-Oh, my God! Look out!
-Go!

1619
01:12:06.698 --> 01:12:08.073
Keep going, guy!

1620
01:12:08.157 --> 01:12:09.616
Donny!

1621
01:12:11.577 --> 01:12:12.786
-Yeah!
-You're the best.

1622
01:12:12.870 --> 01:12:14.079
-You are, Jay.
-Good luck!

1623
01:12:14.163 --> 01:12:15.580
I like your fucking hairdo!

1624
01:12:15.665 --> 01:12:18.125
Good luck with the taxi business!

1625
01:12:18.209 --> 01:12:20.210
-Love that guy.
-Classic. Classic.

1626
01:12:20.461 --> 01:12:21.753
Classic.

1627
01:12:21.838 --> 01:12:23.213
It's a classic night.

1628
01:12:23.297 --> 01:12:25.924
No way! Party's not over!

1629
01:12:26.342 --> 01:12:27.718
Come on!

1630
01:12:30.513 --> 01:12:31.972
Dude, Uncle Vanny's fucked up.

1631
01:12:34.267 --> 01:12:35.600
I love you, son.

1632
01:12:40.189 --> 01:12:41.231
I do.

1633
01:12:41.315 --> 01:12:42.607
I've always loved you, all right?

1634
01:12:44.444 --> 01:12:46.111
Sorry to spring that on you like that.

1635
01:12:46.529 --> 01:12:47.529
It's all right.

1636
01:12:47.613 --> 01:12:49.656
It's cool, Donny. That's nice, thank you.

1637
01:12:49.741 --> 01:12:51.116
Hansie, Hansie.

1638
01:12:52.243 --> 01:12:55.871
Why don't you not call me
"Donny" when no one's around.

1639
01:12:55.955 --> 01:12:57.497
You can call me "Dad."

1640
01:12:58.791 --> 01:13:00.125
Yeah, I know, I know.

1641
01:13:00.209 --> 01:13:01.418
It's...

1642
01:13:02.795 --> 01:13:04.880
I don't know if I'm ready for that, Donny.

1643
01:13:04.964 --> 01:13:06.298
-You know?
-Yeah, yeah.

1644
01:13:08.092 --> 01:13:09.134
No prob.

1645
01:13:22.732 --> 01:13:23.899
Sorry.

1646
01:13:24.317 --> 01:13:26.985
Sorry if you fucking don't like me.

1647
01:13:31.491 --> 01:13:34.451
I probably would've fucked my teacher, too.

1648
01:13:37.580 --> 01:13:38.955
Yeah.

1649
01:13:39.415 --> 01:13:40.749
But...

1650
01:13:51.594 --> 01:13:54.513
So, what time are we gonna
go to the prison tomorrow?

1651
01:13:56.057 --> 01:13:58.141
Wait, you'll go to the prison?

1652
01:13:58.684 --> 01:14:00.352
Yeah, I'll go.

1653
01:14:01.896 --> 01:14:03.647
No. No, no, no, no, no.

1654
01:14:03.731 --> 01:14:06.233
That's... They canceled that.

1655
01:14:06.317 --> 01:14:12.322
I talked to the warden, and he says
that your mother was just pulling our leg.

1656
01:14:12.406 --> 01:14:14.199
She's only got the chicken pox.

1657
01:14:14.867 --> 01:14:16.952
-What?
-Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know.

1658
01:14:17.036 --> 01:14:18.954
She said she was dying because

1659
01:14:19.038 --> 01:14:21.790
they give you better food
if you're wicked sick like that,

1660
01:14:21.874 --> 01:14:26.211
like Beefaroni or microwave pizza
or some shit, so...

1661
01:14:27.713 --> 01:14:29.297
That just made me hungry.

1662
01:14:29.924 --> 01:14:31.508
Well, check your pockets.

1663
01:14:38.057 --> 01:14:39.432
A treasure!

1664
01:14:39.934 --> 01:14:40.976
Come on, eat it.

1665
01:14:41.060 --> 01:14:42.602
-No, it's nasty.
-Come on, I'm telling you.

1666
01:14:42.687 --> 01:14:44.646
Fucking Todd Bridges
worked hard on that thing.

1667
01:14:44.730 --> 01:14:46.481
Yeah. You like that.

1668
01:14:46.566 --> 01:14:47.607
Pretty good.

1669
01:14:48.985 --> 01:14:51.486
Look at me, I'm a fountain!

1670
01:14:51.571 --> 01:14:52.946
Throw a penny in here!

1671
01:14:53.030 --> 01:14:55.031
Make a wish, motherfucker!

1672
01:15:12.216 --> 01:15:13.592
What the...

1673
01:15:13.718 --> 01:15:16.261
Grandma D, what's going on?
What are you doing here?

1674
01:15:16.512 --> 01:15:18.597
Well, you've had the fantasy,

1675
01:15:19.432 --> 01:15:22.601
so now it's time that you try the real thing.

1676
01:15:26.856 --> 01:15:29.107
No, no, no, I can't do that.

1677
01:15:29.192 --> 01:15:30.525
I'm sorry.

1678
01:15:30.610 --> 01:15:32.194
I appreciate the offer.

1679
01:15:33.362 --> 01:15:34.821
No, no, no, don't.

1680
01:15:34.906 --> 01:15:37.365
I can't. Don't you... I shouldn't.

1681
01:15:39.285 --> 01:15:41.578
Oh, God.

1682
01:15:42.371 --> 01:15:44.706
You got the old-timey bathing suit on.

1683
01:15:47.585 --> 01:15:48.877
Okay, I'm in.

1684
01:15:49.962 --> 01:15:53.715
I'm going to ride you like a Model T.

1685
01:16:00.890 --> 01:16:02.349
Yeah.

1686
01:16:11.692 --> 01:16:13.235
Jamie.

1687
01:16:14.195 --> 01:16:16.154
You're wearing your dress again.

1688
01:16:17.365 --> 01:16:19.282
You look beautiful.

1689
01:16:20.284 --> 01:16:21.952
I want you so bad.

1690
01:16:22.703 --> 01:16:24.204
Be nice to me.

1691
01:16:24.664 --> 01:16:26.498
Make me feel good.

1692
01:16:31.337 --> 01:16:33.171
All right, all right.

1693
01:16:33.506 --> 01:16:36.758
Okay, okay, okay, okay.

1694
01:16:49.397 --> 01:16:51.356
Oh, my God!

1695
01:16:51.732 --> 01:16:52.899
Help me!

1696
01:16:54.110 --> 01:16:55.110
What happened?

1697
01:16:55.194 --> 01:16:56.236
Are you okay?

1698
01:16:56.654 --> 01:16:58.280
Do I sound okay?

1699
01:16:58.572 --> 01:17:01.074
You puked all over my wedding dress!

1700
01:17:01.826 --> 01:17:03.535
Prepare to get fucked up, motherfuckers!

1701
01:17:05.329 --> 01:17:07.539
Sorry, I heard you scream.

1702
01:17:07.623 --> 01:17:09.457
I thought Jamie was getting murdered,

1703
01:17:09.542 --> 01:17:11.418
so I was gonna fucking
smack someone around.

1704
01:17:11.877 --> 01:17:13.461
-What happened?
-I don't know!

1705
01:17:13.838 --> 01:17:16.298
I just found my wedding dress
covered in barf!

1706
01:17:16.382 --> 01:17:19.676
And something else, something sticky.

1707
01:17:38.154 --> 01:17:39.237
It's jizz.

1708
01:17:41.115 --> 01:17:43.950
You puked on my dress and then fucked it!

1709
01:17:45.911 --> 01:17:47.829
You're a madman.

1710
01:17:47.913 --> 01:17:49.664
No, no, no, no. No.

1711
01:17:49.957 --> 01:17:51.583
-Sweetheart, it wasn't my boy.
-You shut up.

1712
01:17:51.667 --> 01:17:52.709
Donny, just shut up!

1713
01:17:52.793 --> 01:17:54.127
Who wants a piece of this, huh?

1714
01:17:54.211 --> 01:17:55.920
-Who wants a piece?
-Whoa, no, no, no!

1715
01:17:56.088 --> 01:17:57.172
It's okay, buddy.

1716
01:17:57.256 --> 01:17:58.923
Todd just fucked the dress.

1717
01:17:59.342 --> 01:18:00.467
It's under control.

1718
01:18:01.594 --> 01:18:03.345
What is Vanilla Ice doing in our room?

1719
01:18:04.430 --> 01:18:07.766
He's my other best friend.

1720
01:18:08.100 --> 01:18:09.601
Yeah. And a wicked good rapper.

1721
01:18:09.685 --> 01:18:11.394
Give it up for him. Come on, now.

1722
01:18:11.771 --> 01:18:13.813
-Let's give it up.
-My boy.

1723
01:18:14.065 --> 01:18:15.065
I don't know what's going on here,

1724
01:18:15.149 --> 01:18:16.608
but I don't have time to deal with this, so...

1725
01:18:17.568 --> 01:18:19.235
Okay, this is what's gonna happen.

1726
01:18:19.320 --> 01:18:21.321
I'm gonna go take a shower.
I'm gonna go to Pilates.

1727
01:18:21.405 --> 01:18:23.323
You're gonna take that dress
to the dry cleaners!

1728
01:18:23.407 --> 01:18:25.116
And then we're gonna have
rehearsal dinner tonight,

1729
01:18:25.201 --> 01:18:27.118
and you're gonna be
the normal Todd from three days ago, right?

1730
01:18:27.411 --> 01:18:30.789
And you can start by taking out
that stupid Duran Duran earring!

1731
01:18:31.123 --> 01:18:32.457
I was thinking it's more Foreigner.

1732
01:18:32.541 --> 01:18:34.876
No? No, no,
Duran Duran's a good call, though.

1733
01:18:39.131 --> 01:18:41.341
Guess I'm gonna go
finish up with Grandma Delores.

1734
01:18:41.425 --> 01:18:42.467
-Yeah.
-Is that all right?

1735
01:18:42.551 --> 01:18:43.593
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-Have fun, buddy. Have fun.

1736
01:18:43.677 --> 01:18:44.803
Not too much, though. Don't hurt her.

1737
01:18:44.887 --> 01:18:46.262
No, no. I get it right and keep it tight.

1738
01:18:46.347 --> 01:18:47.764
Okay.

1739
01:18:48.808 --> 01:18:50.809
Look, I need a couple hours to fix this.

1740
01:18:50.893 --> 01:18:54.396
Hey, we've all been in that situation,
and you'll be fine, kid.

1741
01:18:54.688 --> 01:18:57.107
I'll whip up some pancakes
for everyone else, all right?

1742
01:18:57.191 --> 01:18:58.525
-All right.
-I love it.

1743
01:19:00.569 --> 01:19:02.570
You jizzed on a mannequin.

1744
01:19:02.655 --> 01:19:03.863
Respect it.

1745
01:19:05.658 --> 01:19:07.826
But you were only 1 3.

1746
01:19:08.327 --> 01:19:09.911
She took advantage of you.

1747
01:19:09.995 --> 01:19:12.580
No, all right.
That's what the law says, Su-Jin,

1748
01:19:12.832 --> 01:19:15.417
but I don't know...
We were kind of like soul mates.

1749
01:19:15.501 --> 01:19:17.127
You know, there was...
There was a connection there.

1750
01:19:17.211 --> 01:19:18.711
I never had it with anyone else.

1751
01:19:19.255 --> 01:19:20.964
I'm getting a call. I'm sorry, guys.

1752
01:19:21.048 --> 01:19:23.049
Do not touch these plates. I'm cleaning them.

1753
01:19:23.134 --> 01:19:24.134
Okay, Su-Jin?

1754
01:19:25.177 --> 01:19:26.261
Go for Donny B.

1755
01:19:26.637 --> 01:19:28.012
Wassup!

1756
01:19:28.472 --> 01:19:31.141
Hey, big man. What's going on?

1757
01:19:31.225 --> 01:19:32.225
How'd it go with the lady?

1758
01:19:32.309 --> 01:19:33.810
You patch things up?

1759
01:19:34.186 --> 01:19:35.687
Yeah, pretty much. It was amazing.

1760
01:19:35.771 --> 01:19:39.607
The dry cleaner said they've
definitely seen that combo of fluid before.

1761
01:19:39.692 --> 01:19:42.735
You see? Yeah, those things
go together like gin and tonic.

1762
01:19:43.404 --> 01:19:45.113
Hey, listen, while l got you,

1763
01:19:45.197 --> 01:19:47.490
I left you a little
best man gift on your dresser.

1764
01:19:47.575 --> 01:19:48.825
I think you'll get a kick out of it.

1765
01:19:49.118 --> 01:19:51.453
You did not. Oh, my God.

1766
01:19:51.537 --> 01:19:54.581
My whole body, like,
got a shocked feeling over that.

1767
01:19:54.665 --> 01:19:56.124
Buddy, no one gets me a gift.

1768
01:19:56.333 --> 01:19:58.293
-Where are you, anyways?
-I'm in the car.

1769
01:19:58.377 --> 01:20:00.295
I decided to go see Mom after all.

1770
01:20:01.380 --> 01:20:02.422
You did what?

1771
01:20:03.966 --> 01:20:05.341
Oh, my God. Dukes ofHazzard!

1772
01:20:24.069 --> 01:20:25.320
Hansie.

1773
01:20:25.404 --> 01:20:27.071
Donny, what are you doing here?

1774
01:20:27.156 --> 01:20:28.740
We got to get out of here now.

1775
01:20:29.033 --> 01:20:30.325
What? What are you talking about?

1776
01:20:30.409 --> 01:20:31.826
It's your wedding weekend, dude.

1777
01:20:31.911 --> 01:20:32.869
You come here after the wedding.

1778
01:20:32.953 --> 01:20:34.162
You show your mother your new ring.

1779
01:20:34.246 --> 01:20:35.622
That would make her happy.

1780
01:20:35.915 --> 01:20:37.749
Wait, are you nervous to see her?

1781
01:20:37.958 --> 01:20:41.628
Hansie, can we just blow this place off
and have a beer, please? I'm begging you.

1782
01:20:41.712 --> 01:20:42.795
Look. Is that her?

1783
01:21:12.117 --> 01:21:13.785
Oh, my God.

1784
01:21:14.370 --> 01:21:15.870
There you are.

1785
01:21:16.747 --> 01:21:19.541
My little Hansie, you're all grown up.

1786
01:21:20.209 --> 01:21:21.292
Hi, Mom.

1787
01:21:21.669 --> 01:21:23.419
I didn't know if I'd ever see you again.

1788
01:21:23.837 --> 01:21:25.463
I know. I'm sorry I stopped visiting.

1789
01:21:25.548 --> 01:21:26.548
It just got too hard.

1790
01:21:26.632 --> 01:21:28.800
No, I totally understand.

1791
01:21:29.969 --> 01:21:31.302
Wow.

1792
01:21:31.470 --> 01:21:32.679
You still have my eyes.

1793
01:21:34.014 --> 01:21:38.142
Is that the earring
that I gave you after the Loverboy concert?

1794
01:21:41.355 --> 01:21:43.398
Yes, it is, Miss McGarricle.

1795
01:21:43.649 --> 01:21:46.401
You know, I think about you every day.

1796
01:21:46.485 --> 01:21:49.487
Fuck, I love you so much, Miss McGarricle.
I never stopped.

1797
01:21:50.197 --> 01:21:51.823
I love you, too.

1798
01:21:53.450 --> 01:21:54.576
Do you remember...

1799
01:21:55.160 --> 01:21:56.160
Oh, God, here we go.

1800
01:21:56.662 --> 01:22:00.707
...all the nasty things
that I taught you, Donny?

1801
01:22:02.376 --> 01:22:04.836
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Of course I do, Miss McGarricle.

1802
01:22:05.170 --> 01:22:07.797
Are you still my dirty boy?

1803
01:22:08.716 --> 01:22:12.677
Yeah, I'm the dirtiest boy
you'll ever know, Miss McGarricle.

1804
01:22:13.470 --> 01:22:14.637
Donny.

1805
01:22:16.515 --> 01:22:17.807
Oh, fuck, yeah.

1806
01:22:24.356 --> 01:22:26.858
I'm hard right now. I'm hard.

1807
01:22:27.359 --> 01:22:29.611
Okay. Yeah, I'm hating that, so...

1808
01:22:30.487 --> 01:22:33.114
But it is really good to see you, Mom. I...

1809
01:22:33.198 --> 01:22:34.365
It's good to see you, too, baby.

1810
01:22:35.200 --> 01:22:37.994
Can you describe
what you're feeling right now, Han?

1811
01:22:38.370 --> 01:22:39.996
TV's Randall Morgan?

1812
01:22:40.706 --> 01:22:42.165
What are you doing here?

1813
01:22:42.249 --> 01:22:45.293
Must be quite emotional
for you to be face-to-face

1814
01:22:45.377 --> 01:22:47.795
with the woman
who molested your father, isn't it?

1815
01:22:48.088 --> 01:22:50.381
-What is going on right now?
-Who is this dude?

1816
01:22:50.466 --> 01:22:52.342
Listen, before you get mad at me...

1817
01:22:52.426 --> 01:22:54.093
This is why you came to see me?

1818
01:22:54.428 --> 01:22:56.304
For some reality TV ambush?

1819
01:22:56.388 --> 01:22:58.181
-No.
-How much they paying you, Donny?

1820
01:22:58.265 --> 01:22:59.849
Nothing, I swear to God. I'm not getting...

1821
01:22:59.933 --> 01:23:03.394
Fifty thousand dollars
to deliver you to this prison.

1822
01:23:03.729 --> 01:23:06.230
All right, it was 50 grand, but I'm not...
I'm not...

1823
01:23:06.315 --> 01:23:07.857
I'm not going to do it. I swear to God.

1824
01:23:07.941 --> 01:23:09.400
I'm not... I would never take his money.

1825
01:23:09.485 --> 01:23:10.693
Donny Berger, what have you done?

1826
01:23:10.986 --> 01:23:12.403
Hansie, dude, it's me.

1827
01:23:12.738 --> 01:23:13.988
It's the guy from last night.

1828
01:23:14.073 --> 01:23:15.406
We had fun. Don't fuck it.

1829
01:23:15.491 --> 01:23:16.574
I'm telling you, this is...

1830
01:23:16.659 --> 01:23:17.742
This is something that can be fixed.

1831
01:23:18.077 --> 01:23:19.369
-You're unreal.
-Hansie.

1832
01:23:20.412 --> 01:23:21.412
What...

1833
01:23:21.497 --> 01:23:23.998
You go after him, Donny,
and you take care of our son.

1834
01:23:24.333 --> 01:23:27.168
-Hansie.
-Come on, he is pissed. Fuck!

1835
01:23:27.503 --> 01:23:29.629
-Take care of our baby, Donny!
-Hansie!

1836
01:23:30.005 --> 01:23:31.839
Hansie, please, let me explain to you...

1837
01:23:31.924 --> 01:23:33.800
I can't believe I let you
back into my life again.

1838
01:23:33.926 --> 01:23:36.177
Guy, guy, just come on. Listen to me.

1839
01:23:36.553 --> 01:23:38.346
I owe the IRS a lot of money.

1840
01:23:38.430 --> 01:23:40.682
-Of course you do.
-I know, I know. I'm a fuck-up.

1841
01:23:40.766 --> 01:23:43.935
But if I don't give them 43 G's by Tuesday,
I'm going to prison.

1842
01:23:44.269 --> 01:23:46.020
Wait, so you're telling me,

1843
01:23:46.105 --> 01:23:48.398
if I give you 43 grand,
you don't have to go to jail?

1844
01:23:49.650 --> 01:23:51.609
I will pay you back, I swear to God.

1845
01:23:51.694 --> 01:23:53.111
Would you loan me the money?

1846
01:23:53.278 --> 01:23:54.862
No! Fuck you!

1847
01:23:54.947 --> 01:23:56.989
-Get your shit out of my boss's house!
-Okay!

1848
01:23:58.033 --> 01:23:59.325
No! Don't do that.

1849
01:23:59.410 --> 01:24:01.369
That's my boy there.

1850
01:24:03.414 --> 01:24:04.580
No.

1851
01:24:04.665 --> 01:24:06.374
I think he just shit his pants.

1852
01:24:06.458 --> 01:24:08.126
Tell me you got that on camera.

1853
01:24:08.419 --> 01:24:10.378
You made me throw out my extra underwear!

1854
01:24:10.462 --> 01:24:13.631
I'm sorry. I didn't know
you were going to shit yourself again.

1855
01:24:13.882 --> 01:24:16.676
That was awesome.

1856
01:24:17.010 --> 01:24:19.262
Donny, couldn't have gone any better.
Loved it.

1857
01:24:19.346 --> 01:24:21.097
You know what I need from you, Todd,
is I need you

1858
01:24:21.181 --> 01:24:23.474
-to sign the release form right...
-Fuck you!

1859
01:24:24.309 --> 01:24:25.393
Get away from me!

1860
01:24:25.477 --> 01:24:26.978
Get those cameras off me!

1861
01:24:28.772 --> 01:24:31.482
I hate you, Dad.

1862
01:24:35.404 --> 01:24:36.779
Hansie!

1863
01:24:37.531 --> 01:24:40.658
I can't pay you a dime
unless I got a release form.

1864
01:24:41.452 --> 01:24:42.869
Fuck.

1865
01:24:42.953 --> 01:24:44.495
Did I get any shit on me?

1866
01:25:13.358 --> 01:25:16.027
Let me off here. Let me off.
Let me get off. I'll fucking run up.

1867
01:25:16.361 --> 01:25:17.570
Keep it running.

1868
01:25:17.654 --> 01:25:19.030
I got to pick my shit up.

1869
01:25:39.718 --> 01:25:41.219
You're so adorable.

1870
01:25:42.179 --> 01:25:44.430
No, I know, but I told you
not to call me on this line.

1871
01:25:44.515 --> 01:25:46.015
What if Todd picks up?

1872
01:25:48.018 --> 01:25:50.645
No, no, no, I want to.

1873
01:25:52.523 --> 01:25:53.689
No, Steve.

1874
01:25:53.774 --> 01:25:55.399
Todd doesn't know anything.

1875
01:25:55.567 --> 01:25:58.069
I don't care if he finds out after the wedding.

1876
01:25:58.195 --> 01:25:59.570
There's nothing he can do
about it then anyway.

1877
01:26:00.739 --> 01:26:02.156
You're so sweet.

1878
01:26:02.241 --> 01:26:03.866
Steve, huh?

1879
01:26:04.993 --> 01:26:08.454
Well, Steve Spirou, I'm going to fuck you up.

1880
01:26:09.206 --> 01:26:12.250
I'm going to fuck you up!

1881
01:26:14.962 --> 01:26:17.004
Well, I got some great news.

1882
01:26:17.256 --> 01:26:19.590
I've made my decision
on who my new partner is.

1883
01:26:21.927 --> 01:26:23.219
Phil!

1884
01:26:23.303 --> 01:26:25.221
Phil, I knew you could do it.

1885
01:26:25.305 --> 01:26:26.764
Look at Phil's face.

1886
01:26:26.849 --> 01:26:29.267
I'm just busting your balls, Phil.

1887
01:26:29.351 --> 01:26:31.018
No, I'd never pick you.

1888
01:26:31.103 --> 01:26:32.311
Oh, no.

1889
01:26:32.437 --> 01:26:34.939
It's you, Todd. Partners.

1890
01:26:36.233 --> 01:26:37.358
Partner.

1891
01:26:37.442 --> 01:26:38.401
Oh, my gosh.

1892
01:26:38.485 --> 01:26:40.778
It's going to be a lot more hours
and a lot more responsibility.

1893
01:26:40.863 --> 01:26:42.029
You know that, right?

1894
01:26:42.114 --> 01:26:44.448
And a lot more money!

1895
01:26:48.287 --> 01:26:49.996
-Somebody's going shopping!
-Yeah!

1896
01:26:51.999 --> 01:26:53.291
I thought he left.

1897
01:26:53.375 --> 01:26:55.042
Yeah, that's what you wish, Steve.

1898
01:26:55.127 --> 01:26:57.169
I need to talk to you, homeboy. Yeah.

1899
01:26:57.254 --> 01:26:58.296
Hey, Jamie.

1900
01:26:58.964 --> 01:27:00.006
Listen. Listen.

1901
01:27:00.090 --> 01:27:02.925
Dude, this is not about you and me, all right?

1902
01:27:03.468 --> 01:27:04.969
You're not marrying the right girl.

1903
01:27:05.053 --> 01:27:06.137
She is cheating on you.

1904
01:27:06.722 --> 01:27:08.055
You are unbelievable.

1905
01:27:08.140 --> 01:27:09.223
Can't you just let it go?

1906
01:27:09.308 --> 01:27:10.558
This is my last chance to be normal.

1907
01:27:10.642 --> 01:27:11.934
Are you determined to ruin my life?

1908
01:27:12.644 --> 01:27:14.395
-Honey, what's going on?
-Nothing.

1909
01:27:14.479 --> 01:27:16.814
Don't "honey" him,
you little snake in the grass.

1910
01:27:17.190 --> 01:27:18.691
I heard your phone call.

1911
01:27:18.775 --> 01:27:21.694
"Steve, why'd you call on this line?

1912
01:27:21.778 --> 01:27:23.154
"Todd could have picked up."

1913
01:27:23.405 --> 01:27:24.447
That's right, sonny boy.

1914
01:27:24.531 --> 01:27:26.407
Your wife-to-be's fucking your boss.

1915
01:27:26.700 --> 01:27:27.783
Right there.

1916
01:27:28.160 --> 01:27:29.243
Fuck you, buddy.

1917
01:27:29.494 --> 01:27:31.370
You are an idiot!

1918
01:27:31.455 --> 01:27:32.580
Is that right, sweetheart?

1919
01:27:32.664 --> 01:27:34.081
-Yes, it is.
-Yeah, yeah. Why?

1920
01:27:34.166 --> 01:27:36.500
I was on the phone with Steve.

1921
01:27:36.793 --> 01:27:40.838
Steve Goldstein,
the Boston HeraId wedding reporter.

1922
01:27:41.173 --> 01:27:44.091
Yeah, he's doing a piece on
the most beautiful places to get married,

1923
01:27:44.176 --> 01:27:46.677
and I didn't want Todd to know
because he doesn't like being in the paper.

1924
01:27:46.803 --> 01:27:49.889
So, I am sorry
that I wanted everyone in the world

1925
01:27:49.973 --> 01:27:51.933
to know I married the perfect guy.

1926
01:27:52.017 --> 01:27:56.187
Honey, do you think you can forgive me
for keeping such a big secret from you?

1927
01:27:58.774 --> 01:28:02.193
Okay, due to this newfound evidence,

1928
01:28:03.195 --> 01:28:06.155
the conclusion might be that I'm an asshole.

1929
01:28:07.199 --> 01:28:08.282
Bye.

1930
01:28:10.369 --> 01:28:11.953
Fine.

1931
01:28:12.037 --> 01:28:13.162
Have a good wedding.

1932
01:28:15.332 --> 01:28:16.874
I'll leave with pride.

1933
01:28:17.417 --> 01:28:18.751
I'm a good person.

1934
01:28:20.963 --> 01:28:23.130
Bye! I'll see you tomorrow!

1935
01:28:28.011 --> 01:28:29.553
Wow, what a stressful day, huh?

1936
01:28:29.972 --> 01:28:31.555
-Can't wait to get back to the beach house.
-Thank you.

1937
01:28:31.640 --> 01:28:33.599
-Bye.
-Just the two of us, you know?

1938
01:28:33.934 --> 01:28:36.268
No, honey.
I'm staying in the city tonight, remember?

1939
01:28:36.520 --> 01:28:38.145
-What? No.
-Yeah, the bride and groom,

1940
01:28:38.230 --> 01:28:40.481
they're supposed to sleep separate
night before the wedding.

1941
01:28:40.565 --> 01:28:41.816
So see you tomorrow, big guy.

1942
01:28:41.900 --> 01:28:43.734
I'm going to drop Jamie
at the Fairmont Copley.

1943
01:28:43.902 --> 01:28:45.903
Mom and Dad,
you guys got the hedgehog. Okay!

1944
01:28:46.238 --> 01:28:47.279
-Love you.
-Watch the door.

1945
01:28:47.364 --> 01:28:49.115
-Love you. Okay.
-Sleep well.

1946
01:28:49.491 --> 01:28:51.242
Wait, but don't they not have a car?

1947
01:28:57.082 --> 01:28:59.166
All right, Donny, go.
There's your chance. Go.

1948
01:28:59.251 --> 01:29:01.168
I ain't got no more chances, buddy.

1949
01:29:01.253 --> 01:29:02.920
The kid hates my guts.

1950
01:29:03.213 --> 01:29:04.797
Right? 'Cause you guys don't have a car.

1951
01:29:04.881 --> 01:29:06.424
I'm not talking about him, Donny.

1952
01:29:07.092 --> 01:29:08.718
-Wake up, man.
-What?

1953
01:29:09.094 --> 01:29:11.220
Jamie's the gatekeeper for your son.

1954
01:29:11.513 --> 01:29:14.932
-Yeah?
-Win her over, then she'll convince Han

1955
01:29:15.267 --> 01:29:17.268
to give you another chance. Boom!

1956
01:29:18.103 --> 01:29:21.689
How am I ever going to get her trust?
She freaking hates me.

1957
01:29:22.190 --> 01:29:24.608
Donny, you want to know
what all women love?

1958
01:29:25.610 --> 01:29:27.028
Ice cream.

1959
01:29:36.121 --> 01:29:37.997
Hi. I'm Todd Peterson.

1960
01:29:38.540 --> 01:29:40.374
No, you're not. You're Donny Berger.

1961
01:29:40.459 --> 01:29:42.376
You fucked your teacher
in the seventh grade.

1962
01:29:45.672 --> 01:29:47.381
Hi. I'm Todd Peterson.

1963
01:29:47.466 --> 01:29:49.175
Hi, Mr. Peterson. What can I do for you?

1964
01:29:49.593 --> 01:29:51.552
What room was my fiancée in again?

1965
01:29:51.678 --> 01:29:53.971
Let me check. 641 .

1966
01:29:54.306 --> 01:29:55.514
You're a fucking stud.

1967
01:29:57.350 --> 01:29:59.268
Hey, when the legendary
Donny Berger comes in here

1968
01:29:59.352 --> 01:30:01.395
using a fake name, you go with it!

1969
01:30:01.480 --> 01:30:03.022
All right, I will.

1970
01:30:08.236 --> 01:30:10.821
641 . 641 .

1971
01:30:10.906 --> 01:30:12.990
All right, come on, sweetheart.

1972
01:30:13.075 --> 01:30:14.950
Oh, yeah!

1973
01:30:17.245 --> 01:30:18.329
What, did Todd come out here?

1974
01:30:18.413 --> 01:30:20.206
You're half the size of Todd,

1975
01:30:20.290 --> 01:30:22.958
but you use it so much better!

1976
01:30:23.043 --> 01:30:25.169
I guess not.

1977
01:30:25.253 --> 01:30:26.295
Oh, my God!

1978
01:30:26.379 --> 01:30:27.838
Oh, my God.

1979
01:30:27.923 --> 01:30:29.256
Oh, my God!

1980
01:30:29.341 --> 01:30:31.050
Oh, my God.

1981
01:30:32.135 --> 01:30:33.719
Fucking shit!

1982
01:30:33.804 --> 01:30:35.096
Fucking shit.

1983
01:30:35.180 --> 01:30:36.222
Fucking shit!

1984
01:30:36.306 --> 01:30:37.348
Fucking shit.

1985
01:30:39.226 --> 01:30:40.601
Yeah. Okay.

1986
01:30:41.061 --> 01:30:42.895
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

1987
01:31:05.377 --> 01:31:06.836
Okay.

1988
01:31:09.422 --> 01:31:11.215
Yeah!

1989
01:31:11.758 --> 01:31:13.843
You do not deserve these treats.

1990
01:31:16.346 --> 01:31:17.429
Are you finished, sweetheart?

1991
01:31:18.265 --> 01:31:19.390
Oh, my God.

1992
01:31:21.309 --> 01:31:22.935
Your fiancé's at home, you know.

1993
01:31:23.395 --> 01:31:24.979
This really gets me upset.

1994
01:31:25.063 --> 01:31:26.480
You know why?

1995
01:31:26.565 --> 01:31:28.190
'Cause he's too good for you.

1996
01:31:28.733 --> 01:31:30.401
He is.

1997
01:31:30.485 --> 01:31:33.404
And you're sitting here gallivanting with...

1998
01:31:33.488 --> 01:31:35.573
I think I know who.

1999
01:31:35.657 --> 01:31:39.160
Don't I, Mr. Steve Goldstein?

2000
01:31:44.457 --> 01:31:46.750
Wait. Are you...

2001
01:31:47.627 --> 01:31:48.961
What am I seeing?

2002
01:31:49.254 --> 01:31:50.963
No... It...

2003
01:31:52.299 --> 01:31:53.382
With each other?

2004
01:31:54.759 --> 01:31:56.552
Am I... This is...

2005
01:31:59.681 --> 01:32:02.474
Is he your stepbrother at least

2006
01:32:02.559 --> 01:32:04.768
or adopted or something?

2007
01:32:06.104 --> 01:32:07.271
No reply.

2008
01:32:07.355 --> 01:32:08.355
So it's real.

2009
01:32:08.440 --> 01:32:09.648
Oh, my God.

2010
01:32:09.733 --> 01:32:11.150
Donny, Donny, you don't...

2011
01:32:11.234 --> 01:32:12.610
You don't understand what's going on here.

2012
01:32:12.694 --> 01:32:16.071
I don't think Charlie Sheen
would understand what's going on here.

2013
01:32:16.406 --> 01:32:20.159
Look, I love Todd,
and we're going to get married,

2014
01:32:20.243 --> 01:32:22.036
and we're going to have a great life together.

2015
01:32:22.120 --> 01:32:25.789
And yes, I've had sex with Chad
from time to time.

2016
01:32:27.209 --> 01:32:28.459
It's what good-looking people do.

2017
01:32:28.543 --> 01:32:30.628
They have sex with
other good-looking people.

2018
01:32:30.962 --> 01:32:32.546
You know? Just so happens that

2019
01:32:32.631 --> 01:32:36.217
this one particular good-looking person
is my little brother.

2020
01:32:36.301 --> 01:32:37.885
Okay.

2021
01:32:37.969 --> 01:32:39.887
It's all making sense to me now.

2022
01:32:42.557 --> 01:32:45.768
I know that sounded bad, but, Donny,
this was going to be the last time.

2023
01:32:45.852 --> 01:32:48.103
I would never carry on
with a married woman.

2024
01:32:48.355 --> 01:32:50.856
I've got better morals than that, Donny.

2025
01:32:52.317 --> 01:32:55.319
Chad, adultery is bad,

2026
01:32:57.239 --> 01:33:00.991
but incest is fucked up!

2027
01:33:02.994 --> 01:33:06.080
Please don't let him tell Mommy
about our secret tickle time.

2028
01:33:06.289 --> 01:33:08.082
"Secret tickle time"?

2029
01:33:08.166 --> 01:33:10.251
You got a name for it?

2030
01:33:11.878 --> 01:33:15.714
And with a United States
military man, no less.

2031
01:33:16.049 --> 01:33:18.592
You are a disgrace to that uniform!

2032
01:33:18.677 --> 01:33:20.094
No, he's not a Marine.

2033
01:33:20.178 --> 01:33:21.428
He buys those uniforms on eBay

2034
01:33:21.513 --> 01:33:24.056
so Dad doesn't find out
he's a modern jazz dancer.

2035
01:33:24.391 --> 01:33:25.516
What?

2036
01:33:25.600 --> 01:33:28.143
That's possibly worse than the incest thing.

2037
01:33:28.645 --> 01:33:31.063
This is an abomination. I'm telling Todd.

2038
01:33:31.147 --> 01:33:33.440
-No, he won't believe you.
-Yeah, he will.

2039
01:33:33.692 --> 01:33:36.694
No, he bought that Steve Goldstein story.

2040
01:33:37.028 --> 01:33:39.905
Come on, you think he got
that partnership on his own?

2041
01:33:39.990 --> 01:33:41.323
With that "beep boop beep" shit?

2042
01:33:41.408 --> 01:33:42.449
No, I gave him a boost.

2043
01:33:43.201 --> 01:33:45.369
How many people have you fucked?

2044
01:33:45.954 --> 01:33:48.038
Well, maybe he'll believe this.

2045
01:33:51.418 --> 01:33:53.294
Nice. Save.

2046
01:33:55.255 --> 01:33:56.797
You two have fun together.

2047
01:33:57.424 --> 01:33:58.590
Sickies.

2048
01:33:58.675 --> 01:34:00.134
All right, how much?

2049
01:34:00.677 --> 01:34:01.844
I'm going to be a very rich woman.

2050
01:34:01.928 --> 01:34:03.470
I can write you a big fat check.

2051
01:34:03.847 --> 01:34:05.723
What's it going to take for this to go away?

2052
01:34:06.182 --> 01:34:09.601
Todd has to pop a Xanax
when he loses a contact lens.

2053
01:34:10.562 --> 01:34:12.980
What do you think he's going to do
when he finds out about this?

2054
01:34:13.648 --> 01:34:15.441
Todd's happy.

2055
01:34:15.525 --> 01:34:17.359
You really want to take that away?

2056
01:34:37.672 --> 01:34:38.922
Hey, buddy.

2057
01:34:40.175 --> 01:34:42.593
I got something to tell you, and...

2058
01:34:43.762 --> 01:34:46.013
I'm not expecting you to believe this, but...

2059
01:34:48.183 --> 01:34:49.725
I got the money.

2060
01:34:49.809 --> 01:34:51.060
That's great, Donny.

2061
01:34:51.436 --> 01:34:53.020
Your son came through for you, didn't he?

2062
01:34:53.229 --> 01:34:57.107
Yeah. His fiancée gave me $50,000

2063
01:34:57.192 --> 01:35:00.569
to keep quiet about her
having sex with her brother.

2064
01:35:00.653 --> 01:35:02.279
Yeah, I've been there.

2065
01:35:02.447 --> 01:35:03.655
We've all been there.

2066
01:35:04.699 --> 01:35:06.658
She said it was her last time, so...

2067
01:35:07.827 --> 01:35:09.078
Maybe things will work out.

2068
01:35:09.829 --> 01:35:11.955
Then how come I feel like shit right now?

2069
01:35:12.791 --> 01:35:14.458
Yeah, it's kind of a moral thicket.

2070
01:35:14.709 --> 01:35:16.043
But the good news is

2071
01:35:16.127 --> 01:35:18.670
you stay out of the slammer, right, Donny?

2072
01:35:20.256 --> 01:35:21.423
Donny?

2073
01:35:33.478 --> 01:35:34.978
"Go do something."

2074
01:35:36.564 --> 01:35:39.983
I don't know, Mr. Mitty.
I don't know if I can fucking handle it.

2075
01:35:41.903 --> 01:35:44.321
"Be a good person."

2076
01:35:46.324 --> 01:35:47.324
Donny?

2077
01:35:54.874 --> 01:35:56.250
-No, no, don't hit me.
-No, no.

2078
01:35:56.334 --> 01:35:59.128
Just give me a moment, please, Todd.
Just a moment. Relax.

2079
01:35:59.754 --> 01:36:01.797
You know, after praying with the monsignor,

2080
01:36:02.257 --> 01:36:06.510
I realize that I committed the sin
of prideful anger in the church,

2081
01:36:07.220 --> 01:36:09.847
and I hope that you'll accept my apology

2082
01:36:09.931 --> 01:36:13.642
and allow me the honor
of being a part of this joyous day.

2083
01:36:14.227 --> 01:36:15.894
Well, what about Father Shakalu?

2084
01:36:17.564 --> 01:36:18.939
Stupid bird.

2085
01:36:19.023 --> 01:36:20.441
Come on, fly!

2086
01:36:21.067 --> 01:36:23.026
Well, he's cool.

2087
01:36:24.028 --> 01:36:25.446
Great. Sounds good.

2088
01:36:26.990 --> 01:36:28.282
By the way, Todd,

2089
01:36:29.242 --> 01:36:31.118
was it you that hit me in the head
with the bottle?

2090
01:36:32.579 --> 01:36:33.662
No.

2091
01:36:34.080 --> 01:36:36.123
Well, then, who, then?

2092
01:36:37.542 --> 01:36:38.584
It was Chad.

2093
01:36:39.377 --> 01:36:40.711
Interesting.

2094
01:36:41.796 --> 01:36:43.380
Two, three, four.

2095
01:36:43.465 --> 01:36:44.590
Fosse, and Fosse,

2096
01:36:45.258 --> 01:36:46.800
-and Fosse.
-Interesting.

2097
01:36:48.887 --> 01:36:50.804
Yo! Donny Berger! All right!

2098
01:36:50.889 --> 01:36:54.057
I'd sign something for you, buddy,
but I got no time right now.

2099
01:36:54.142 --> 01:36:55.476
Ice!

2100
01:36:55.560 --> 01:36:57.060
Ice, you in there, buddy? I need you!

2101
01:36:58.897 --> 01:37:00.022
You still got the 5.0?

2102
01:37:02.358 --> 01:37:04.651
What does that mean? Is that a yes or no?
I don't understand the pose.

2103
01:37:04.736 --> 01:37:06.570
Yeah? Let's go, let's go!

2104
01:37:17.999 --> 01:37:19.333
Go, baby, go!

2105
01:37:52.742 --> 01:37:53.909
No!

2106
01:38:19.477 --> 01:38:20.644
Look at this fucking guy!

2107
01:38:22.647 --> 01:38:23.689
Man!

2108
01:38:36.327 --> 01:38:38.912
No, no, no, no, no! We're stuck! We're stuck!

2109
01:38:38.997 --> 01:38:41.081
To hell with the 5.0. Let's run for it, man.

2110
01:38:41.165 --> 01:38:43.375
-But we need great tunes!
-Come on, let's get them!

2111
01:38:44.335 --> 01:38:45.752
Right here, I got a Walkman.

2112
01:38:45.837 --> 01:38:47.170
-The Walkman!
-Yeah, baby.

2113
01:38:49.299 --> 01:38:50.340
Let's go!

2114
01:38:53.886 --> 01:38:55.345
-Damn it, man!
-Come on! Let's go!

2115
01:38:55.430 --> 01:38:56.513
Oh, my God!

2116
01:38:59.350 --> 01:39:00.851
Hey!

2117
01:39:10.945 --> 01:39:13.363
You forgot to pay!

2118
01:39:13.615 --> 01:39:16.825
So, Jamie, do you promise
to provide Todd here

2119
01:39:16.909 --> 01:39:20.370
with unending empathy,
encouragement and honesty,

2120
01:39:21.205 --> 01:39:22.414
till death do you part?

2121
01:39:22.957 --> 01:39:24.041
I do.

2122
01:39:28.379 --> 01:39:30.172
Hey, Donny. Come on!

2123
01:39:37.138 --> 01:39:38.513
What are you doing, guy?

2124
01:39:38.890 --> 01:39:40.390
You jumped?

2125
01:39:40.475 --> 01:39:42.309
There was a door right here!

2126
01:39:42.393 --> 01:39:44.394
Come on, we got to get there!

2127
01:39:46.898 --> 01:39:48.482
And you, Todd, do you promise to love,

2128
01:39:48.566 --> 01:39:52.235
honor and protect this special lady
for the rest of your life?

2129
01:39:54.489 --> 01:39:56.657
Don't answer that question!

2130
01:40:02.580 --> 01:40:03.747
Oh, shit.

2131
01:40:06.876 --> 01:40:10.128
We ran well over a mile.

2132
01:40:22.934 --> 01:40:25.018
I object to these two getting married.

2133
01:40:26.896 --> 01:40:30.190
No, we're past that part already.

2134
01:40:31.025 --> 01:40:32.192
What are my options, then?

2135
01:40:32.276 --> 01:40:33.318
How about leaving?

2136
01:40:33.444 --> 01:40:36.113
You shut the hell up, you satanic hose-bag!

2137
01:40:36.406 --> 01:40:37.364
Hey!

2138
01:40:37.448 --> 01:40:39.866
Gerald! I'm sorry it sounded so harsh,

2139
01:40:39.951 --> 01:40:42.285
but you'll understand
why I said that in a few minutes.

2140
01:40:42.370 --> 01:40:43.704
There ain't gonna be a few minutes,

2141
01:40:43.788 --> 01:40:45.455
-you goddamn son of a bitch!
-Calm down!

2142
01:40:45.540 --> 01:40:46.623
Calm down!

2143
01:40:48.251 --> 01:40:49.793
Let the boy talk.

2144
01:40:49.877 --> 01:40:51.670
I can't let you marry this chick.

2145
01:40:52.004 --> 01:40:53.046
I can't believe you're doing this.

2146
01:40:53.131 --> 01:40:54.631
Listen to me, buddy.

2147
01:40:55.133 --> 01:40:56.842
You don't love this girl.

2148
01:40:56.926 --> 01:40:59.136
I'm telling you. I had love, it's different.

2149
01:40:59.220 --> 01:41:00.887
It's a different feeling.

2150
01:41:01.222 --> 01:41:02.806
Love is like...

2151
01:41:03.599 --> 01:41:06.309
It just leads you to a special connection.

2152
01:41:06.394 --> 01:41:09.938
It's full of, like, feelings of awesomeness.

2153
01:41:10.022 --> 01:41:13.024
And the feelings you...

2154
01:41:13.109 --> 01:41:14.651
That wrap around you.

2155
01:41:15.194 --> 01:41:17.237
It's deep in your stomach.

2156
01:41:17.321 --> 01:41:19.489
It's in your head.
It's in your fucking nut sack.

2157
01:41:20.658 --> 01:41:22.159
It's in your dick when it gets hard.

2158
01:41:22.243 --> 01:41:23.702
There's still love at the tip.

2159
01:41:23.911 --> 01:41:25.746
And it fucking sprinkles out

2160
01:41:26.539 --> 01:41:29.666
like morning dew
shooting all over the grass.

2161
01:41:30.168 --> 01:41:32.419
Okay, I've had just about enough of this.

2162
01:41:32.545 --> 01:41:35.046
Phil, sit down before I tell your wife
what you did at the strip club.

2163
01:41:35.173 --> 01:41:36.298
Okay.

2164
01:41:38.092 --> 01:41:42.429
Son, I'm sorry, I just...
I can't let you marry this skank.

2165
01:41:42.680 --> 01:41:43.680
"Son?"

2166
01:41:44.140 --> 01:41:45.599
-Your son?
-Son?

2167
01:41:45.850 --> 01:41:47.225
What is he talking about?

2168
01:41:47.685 --> 01:41:50.562
Honey? You can tell me.

2169
01:41:51.397 --> 01:41:53.064
I'll forgive you.

2170
01:41:53.691 --> 01:41:56.318
That's what love's about, right? Forgiveness.

2171
01:41:57.737 --> 01:41:59.112
All right, fine.

2172
01:42:00.865 --> 01:42:02.949
Donny's not my best friend.

2173
01:42:03.534 --> 01:42:04.743
He's my father.

2174
01:42:05.203 --> 01:42:06.244
Oh, my...

2175
01:42:06.329 --> 01:42:09.122
My parents didn't die in an explosion.

2176
01:42:09.207 --> 01:42:10.791
I lied because I'm the product of

2177
01:42:10.875 --> 01:42:13.543
an inappropriate
teacher-student relationship.

2178
01:42:13.628 --> 01:42:15.837
Teacher-student relationship?

2179
01:42:17.507 --> 01:42:18.840
Do you know how gross that sounds?

2180
01:42:18.925 --> 01:42:19.925
You're disgusting!

2181
01:42:20.468 --> 01:42:22.219
Are you fucking kidding me right now?

2182
01:42:22.512 --> 01:42:24.346
She can still cancel that check, Donny!

2183
01:42:24.514 --> 01:42:25.514
Chad.

2184
01:42:25.723 --> 01:42:26.973
Cancel what check?

2185
01:42:27.058 --> 01:42:28.058
I don't...

2186
01:42:28.142 --> 01:42:30.769
She gave me 50 grand
to keep my mouth shut.

2187
01:42:32.146 --> 01:42:33.939
Fifty grand? Jamie.

2188
01:42:34.023 --> 01:42:36.733
Yeah, it was... I was gonna hold on to it,

2189
01:42:36.818 --> 01:42:38.860
you know, to get me out ofjail, but...

2190
01:42:39.737 --> 01:42:41.530
Yeah, yeah. That's what I think of that.

2191
01:42:41.614 --> 01:42:43.323
That's how much I hate this fucking whore.

2192
01:42:43.407 --> 01:42:45.242
Wait. Keep your mouth shut about what?

2193
01:42:45.326 --> 01:42:46.451
Todd, don't listen to him.

2194
01:42:46.702 --> 01:42:48.453
He's a liar and he's crazy!

2195
01:42:48.538 --> 01:42:50.497
Father McNally, please continue.
I promise to do

2196
01:42:50.581 --> 01:42:52.290
all that shit you mentioned
and so does Todd, right?

2197
01:42:52.375 --> 01:42:53.917
Wait, what is going on?

2198
01:42:54.001 --> 01:42:55.043
Tell him.

2199
01:42:56.420 --> 01:42:58.296
No, no, no, no, no.
Don't tell him, don't tell him.

2200
01:42:58.589 --> 01:43:00.841
You tell him or I'll tell everybody here.
It's up to you.

2201
01:43:07.223 --> 01:43:08.265
Come on.

2202
01:43:21.946 --> 01:43:23.363
Okay. Well, that's not that bad.

2203
01:43:23.614 --> 01:43:26.741
What? You didn't tell him,
you fucking lying piece of shit!

2204
01:43:26.826 --> 01:43:29.411
Get on it now or I'll fucking crush you!

2205
01:43:29.495 --> 01:43:30.537
No.

2206
01:43:31.122 --> 01:43:34.040
Jame, you can tell me.

2207
01:43:34.125 --> 01:43:35.750
I mean, how bad could it be?

2208
01:43:59.317 --> 01:44:00.358
What?

2209
01:44:00.443 --> 01:44:01.818
Okay, she told him.

2210
01:44:03.779 --> 01:44:05.322
What?

2211
01:44:10.536 --> 01:44:12.329
You fuck your brother?

2212
01:44:12.663 --> 01:44:14.205
Oh, my God!

2213
01:44:16.167 --> 01:44:18.376
Fucking white people.

2214
01:44:20.922 --> 01:44:23.924
I'm not looking so bad now, am I, Dad?

2215
01:44:24.675 --> 01:44:25.926
I'm out of here.

2216
01:44:26.010 --> 01:44:28.595
Mom, she started all this.

2217
01:44:28.679 --> 01:44:31.097
I didn't want to. I'm still your little soldier, I...

2218
01:44:31.307 --> 01:44:33.433
-Fuck!
-Take that uniform off.

2219
01:44:33.517 --> 01:44:35.352
You're insulting us all.

2220
01:44:35.436 --> 01:44:37.145
No, no, no. Don't you see?

2221
01:44:37.688 --> 01:44:39.189
It's gonna be even better now.

2222
01:44:39.941 --> 01:44:41.816
You're a mess, I'm a mess.

2223
01:44:42.151 --> 01:44:44.945
Come on. Doc Shakalu, get your ass up here!

2224
01:44:45.029 --> 01:44:46.696
I got to be part of this shit?

2225
01:44:46.864 --> 01:44:47.948
Todd?

2226
01:44:48.324 --> 01:44:49.699
Please.

2227
01:44:56.082 --> 01:44:58.416
Come on, baby. Come on, Todd, let's do this.

2228
01:44:58.501 --> 01:44:59.542
Yeah, yeah.

2229
01:44:59.877 --> 01:45:02.712
No! Let's not do this.

2230
01:45:03.130 --> 01:45:04.422
Okay?

2231
01:45:04.882 --> 01:45:08.510
And for the record,
my name's not Todd Peterson.

2232
01:45:09.011 --> 01:45:10.887
It's Han Solo.

2233
01:45:10.972 --> 01:45:14.933
Named after the man who made
the Kessel Run in less than 1 2 parsecs.

2234
01:45:15.017 --> 01:45:18.103
And I am a Berger, like my father before me.

2235
01:45:18.396 --> 01:45:20.855
Also, I want to tell everyone here
that I've got a pretty huge

2236
01:45:20.940 --> 01:45:22.983
New Kids on the Block tattoo on my back.

2237
01:45:23.067 --> 01:45:25.276
The heads are warped,
but fuck you guys, it's funny.

2238
01:45:25.444 --> 01:45:27.153
It is fucking hilarious.

2239
01:45:27.363 --> 01:45:28.405
And Steve?

2240
01:45:28.823 --> 01:45:32.367
Nothing personal, man, but I quit!

2241
01:45:32.743 --> 01:45:35.078
No, no. Come on, Todd, don't be like that.

2242
01:45:36.372 --> 01:45:37.998
We quit, too.

2243
01:45:38.082 --> 01:45:39.165
Fuck you!

2244
01:45:39.583 --> 01:45:40.750
Good call, Han Solo,

2245
01:45:40.835 --> 01:45:42.961
'cause your fiancée banged him, too.

2246
01:45:43.045 --> 01:45:44.004
What?

2247
01:45:44.088 --> 01:45:46.006
I didn't know
about the brother thing, though.

2248
01:45:46.090 --> 01:45:48.425
I am as sickened as you, believe me.

2249
01:45:48.509 --> 01:45:50.260
You know what? It's all right, Steve.

2250
01:45:50.344 --> 01:45:51.469
'Cause guess what?

2251
01:45:51.554 --> 01:45:54.097
Donny and Vanilla Ice fucked your mom!

2252
01:45:55.307 --> 01:45:57.392
Vanilla Ice banged Grandma?

2253
01:45:57.476 --> 01:45:59.769
That's fucking awesome!

2254
01:46:02.440 --> 01:46:03.940
Donny, look out!

2255
01:46:08.195 --> 01:46:09.946
Word to your mother, brotherfucker!

2256
01:46:10.656 --> 01:46:12.574
I'm sorry.
I know I'm not supposed to hit a chick,

2257
01:46:12.658 --> 01:46:14.492
but I got to tell you, it felt good.

2258
01:46:14.577 --> 01:46:16.161
I mean, I wouldn't do it again,

2259
01:46:16.245 --> 01:46:18.455
but with this psycho, you know,
it was warranted.

2260
01:46:18.539 --> 01:46:20.123
Donny! I'm gonna kill you!

2261
01:46:23.961 --> 01:46:25.420
At ease, bitch.

2262
01:46:25.504 --> 01:46:28.048
Dude! That's it! Nice!

2263
01:46:28.132 --> 01:46:29.257
Hang on, though. Hang on.

2264
01:46:29.341 --> 01:46:30.800
No, don't hurt me.

2265
01:46:35.056 --> 01:46:36.556
Even Steven.

2266
01:46:37.099 --> 01:46:39.642
Father, take off the collar.

2267
01:46:40.478 --> 01:46:42.645
That's right. You're not meant for this.

2268
01:46:43.814 --> 01:46:45.190
-Well...
-Yeah.

2269
01:46:45.566 --> 01:46:46.900
Nicely done.

2270
01:46:46.984 --> 01:46:48.401
All right, come on.

2271
01:46:48.986 --> 01:46:50.278
Let's get out of here, Dad.

2272
01:46:51.489 --> 01:46:53.865
Did you hear that? Did you hear that?

2273
01:46:53.949 --> 01:46:55.992
My son called me "Dad!"

2274
01:46:56.619 --> 01:46:57.911
He called me "Dad!"

2275
01:46:57.995 --> 01:47:00.413
That's right!
The Berger boys are back, bitches!

2276
01:47:00.498 --> 01:47:03.792
Wassup?

2277
01:47:04.043 --> 01:47:05.668
Wassup...

2278
01:47:13.844 --> 01:47:15.011
Shut up.

2279
01:47:15.096 --> 01:47:17.388
His boss and her brother?

2280
01:47:17.473 --> 01:47:19.057
It sounds like a Rodney Dangerfield joke,

2281
01:47:19.141 --> 01:47:21.142
but it actually happened to my boy here!

2282
01:47:21.519 --> 01:47:24.104
Now we got to find Han Solo
one of them new girls.

2283
01:47:24.188 --> 01:47:26.106
One that don't care about
all that money he make.

2284
01:47:26.190 --> 01:47:28.608
-No, no.
-Yeah, like a girl version

2285
01:47:28.692 --> 01:47:30.777
-of Todd Bridges would be perfect.
-That's right!

2286
01:47:30.861 --> 01:47:32.153
Female version of me. That's right.

2287
01:47:32.238 --> 01:47:35.073
Well, you know, I actually might be
doing okay in that department, so...

2288
01:47:35.366 --> 01:47:36.366
What's that?

2289
01:47:36.450 --> 01:47:37.617
What the fuck... What the heck?

2290
01:47:37.701 --> 01:47:40.662
Todd and Brie, sitting in a tree.

2291
01:47:40.913 --> 01:47:43.373
I have balls down to my knee!

2292
01:47:43.874 --> 01:47:45.917
-What?
-He said it! Yeah!

2293
01:47:46.377 --> 01:47:48.044
-Donny!
-Yeah, buddy?

2294
01:47:48.379 --> 01:47:50.964
You're my best friend. I'm gonna miss you.

2295
01:47:52.216 --> 01:47:53.633
I know, I know.

2296
01:47:53.717 --> 01:47:54.801
But there's good news.

2297
01:47:54.885 --> 01:47:56.928
You know what,
Miss McGarricle gets out in three years,

2298
01:47:57.012 --> 01:48:00.390
so the timing's kind of perfect
for us to start our lives together.

2299
01:48:00.683 --> 01:48:01.891
Dad, let me just give you the money.

2300
01:48:02.184 --> 01:48:03.977
No. No. I'm not gonna do that.

2301
01:48:04.061 --> 01:48:08.022
It's time for Donny Berger
to take responsibility for his screw-ups.

2302
01:48:08.357 --> 01:48:10.900
I made my bed, now I got to lie in it.

2303
01:48:11.152 --> 01:48:13.153
Donny! Donny! Are you watching?

2304
01:48:13.237 --> 01:48:14.863
Turn on the TV! Turn it on!

2305
01:48:15.114 --> 01:48:18.825
There he is, the fat guy we've been
talking about all day, Tubby Tuke,

2306
01:48:18.909 --> 01:48:22.453
actually gaining on the Ethiopians
here in the final stretch.

2307
01:48:22.538 --> 01:48:24.789
Is this the fat guy I put the money on?

2308
01:48:24.874 --> 01:48:26.791
Twenty bucks at 8,000-to-1 .

2309
01:48:27.918 --> 01:48:29.502
-A hundred and sixty grand?
-A hundred and sixty grand?

2310
01:48:29.587 --> 01:48:31.087
Come on, you fat shit, move it!

2311
01:48:31.255 --> 01:48:32.755
Go, Tubby! Go, Tubby!

2312
01:48:33.174 --> 01:48:34.674
Keep running! Keep running!

2313
01:48:35.593 --> 01:48:37.343
Pass those Ethiopians!

2314
01:48:37.636 --> 01:48:39.762
Pass them skinny fucking Ethiopians!

2315
01:48:41.807 --> 01:48:44.934
This defies every law of science,
but it's happening!

2316
01:48:48.480 --> 01:48:51.482
Get the fuck up!

2317
01:48:54.195 --> 01:48:55.820
He's up! He's up! He's up!

2318
01:48:58.782 --> 01:49:01.367
-That'll replenish him! That'll replenish him!
-No!

2319
01:49:02.536 --> 01:49:03.995
Listen to the roar of that crowd.

2320
01:49:04.079 --> 01:49:07.457
Fat guy! Fat guy!

2321
01:49:07.625 --> 01:49:09.209
Can he possibIy win it?

2322
01:49:09.460 --> 01:49:10.460
He's gonna do it!

2323
01:49:12.504 --> 01:49:13.922
Tubby Tuke has won!

2324
01:49:20.429 --> 01:49:23.056
Tubby Tuke wins! Tubby Tuke wins!