WEBVTT FILE 1 00:00:02.000 --> 00:00:07.000 Downloaded from YTS.BZ 2 00:00:08.000 --> 00:00:13.000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.BZ 3 00:00:44.711 --> 00:00:47.005 Chicago! 4 00:00:52.135 --> 00:00:54.638 Thank you very much. 5 00:00:58.433 --> 00:00:59.893 We're shooting a special tonight. 6 00:00:59.977 --> 00:01:01.770 I'm trying to grow my fan base beyond women 7 00:01:01.853 --> 00:01:04.647 who brought a knife to prom. 8 00:01:09.027 --> 00:01:11.113 I live in Los Angeles now, even though everyone thinks 9 00:01:11.196 --> 00:01:14.575 I live in a cider mill in Rhode Island. 10 00:01:14.658 --> 00:01:17.452 Everyone thinks I live in a she shed in Night Country. 11 00:01:17.536 --> 00:01:19.830 But I live in LA now. 12 00:01:19.913 --> 00:01:21.582 Within a week of moving to LA, 13 00:01:21.664 --> 00:01:24.585 I immediately got a jaywalking ticket. 14 00:01:24.668 --> 00:01:26.587 And the direct quote from the cop was, 15 00:01:26.670 --> 00:01:29.506 "You're walking around all animated." 16 00:01:32.676 --> 00:01:33.594 Which was true. 17 00:01:33.676 --> 00:01:36.638 At this point in my life, 18 00:01:36.722 --> 00:01:41.768 I was doing a lot of fanciful street dressage. 19 00:01:41.852 --> 00:01:44.104 But I was shy. 20 00:01:47.024 --> 00:01:49.818 So I had a little Paul Dano smile on. 21 00:01:54.740 --> 00:01:57.326 You know how Dano's got that big face, tiny smile 22 00:01:57.408 --> 00:02:00.537 that A24 goes nuts over. 23 00:02:03.165 --> 00:02:04.958 I wish that someone had told me that a small smile 24 00:02:05.042 --> 00:02:09.545 is worse than no smile at all. 25 00:02:13.634 --> 00:02:17.471 We need to get them out of here immediately. 26 00:02:19.056 --> 00:02:23.935 I said no carnival clowns tonight only. 27 00:02:24.019 --> 00:02:28.523 A Ferris wheel has been left unattended tonight, 28 00:02:28.607 --> 00:02:32.611 and I cannot have that on my conscience. 29 00:02:45.666 --> 00:02:47.793 Careful, careful. 30 00:02:47.876 --> 00:02:50.837 My nude form, it's like-- 31 00:02:50.921 --> 00:02:54.925 it's like if a girl went missing in Y2K, 32 00:02:55.008 --> 00:02:56.677 and they found her, and she's been living off 33 00:02:56.760 --> 00:02:59.137 pup cups for the last 25 years. 34 00:02:59.221 --> 00:03:01.223 Just small amounts of cream. 35 00:03:05.060 --> 00:03:06.645 I released a special two years ago, 36 00:03:06.728 --> 00:03:10.524 and it sparked a nationwide manhunt for my pronouns. 37 00:03:16.321 --> 00:03:19.866 FBI. Boom. 38 00:03:19.950 --> 00:03:23.453 You tell me. You're looking at it. 39 00:03:23.537 --> 00:03:25.204 I'm just waiting for Gen Z to send me 40 00:03:25.288 --> 00:03:27.499 a proper gender diagnosis in the mail. 41 00:03:27.582 --> 00:03:31.086 Like, they seem to have that shit locked down. 42 00:03:31.169 --> 00:03:32.462 I'm too passive. 43 00:03:32.546 --> 00:03:34.047 My whole life, the way I've identified, 44 00:03:34.131 --> 00:03:35.632 I just go by restaurant order. 45 00:03:35.716 --> 00:03:37.926 Whatever order the waiter or waitress calls me. 46 00:03:38.009 --> 00:03:43.265 My whole life, it's gone children, women, 47 00:03:43.348 --> 00:03:46.852 Chris, 48 00:03:46.935 --> 00:03:49.896 men, 49 00:03:49.980 --> 00:03:52.315 which tells me that I easily could have snuck on to 50 00:03:52.399 --> 00:03:54.776 one of those lifeboats. 51 00:04:01.324 --> 00:04:02.701 Why'd you let him on? 52 00:04:02.784 --> 00:04:05.996 I don't know. Look at the panty lines. 53 00:04:06.079 --> 00:04:09.249 His landing strip's out. 54 00:04:12.002 --> 00:04:15.839 Lost them on landing strip. 55 00:04:15.922 --> 00:04:19.843 Reset to 0. That's good. 56 00:04:19.926 --> 00:04:21.887 I think my expectations of masculinity 57 00:04:21.970 --> 00:04:23.972 were fucked from the jump, 58 00:04:24.055 --> 00:04:27.642 because I played in bands in middle school. 59 00:04:27.726 --> 00:04:30.437 And I know you did. I know you did. I know. 60 00:04:30.520 --> 00:04:32.689 I know. I know. 61 00:04:32.773 --> 00:04:35.734 I know. 62 00:04:38.195 --> 00:04:39.696 I think my expectations of masculinity 63 00:04:39.780 --> 00:04:41.281 were fucked from the jump, because I played in band 64 00:04:41.364 --> 00:04:43.033 in middle school, and to this day, 65 00:04:43.116 --> 00:04:45.827 I have not seen a more developed man 66 00:04:45.911 --> 00:04:49.998 than a middle school tuba player. 67 00:04:50.081 --> 00:04:51.957 Whenever the alt-right is like, 68 00:04:52.042 --> 00:04:55.128 where have all the real men in this country gone? 69 00:04:55.212 --> 00:04:57.672 They are holding down the "Greensleeves" baseline 70 00:04:57.756 --> 00:04:59.132 in the back of the set. 71 00:05:01.259 --> 00:05:05.430 These guys make Dave Bautista look like Bernadette Peters. 72 00:05:05.514 --> 00:05:06.973 My God! 73 00:05:07.057 --> 00:05:09.142 What is happening hormonally 74 00:05:09.226 --> 00:05:11.686 with middle school tuba players? 75 00:05:11.770 --> 00:05:14.147 I think I said if you were to give a regulation-sized child 76 00:05:14.231 --> 00:05:17.234 a tuba, they would-- ah! 77 00:05:17.317 --> 00:05:21.488 So enter these 7'1" behemoths. 78 00:05:21.571 --> 00:05:23.490 Very docile. 79 00:05:31.206 --> 00:05:33.792 With the thickest HBO miniseries beards, 80 00:05:33.875 --> 00:05:35.877 just a-- 81 00:05:35.961 --> 00:05:40.048 and the wind-worn visage of a ferry worker. 82 00:05:44.427 --> 00:05:46.054 And they're passing around a flask of whiskey 83 00:05:46.137 --> 00:05:49.891 just to stay warm. 84 00:05:49.975 --> 00:05:52.352 There's a bloodhound drinking beer out of a dish. 85 00:05:55.313 --> 00:05:57.023 One of them picks up the phone in the middle of band. 86 00:05:57.107 --> 00:06:01.319 Hey, kiddo. 87 00:06:01.403 --> 00:06:04.531 Yeah, I'll pick you up after practice, buddy. 88 00:06:04.614 --> 00:06:05.782 You have a child? 89 00:06:05.866 --> 00:06:08.535 Yeah, he's a freshman. 90 00:06:08.618 --> 00:06:10.537 Good kid. Gets into a bit of trouble. 91 00:06:10.620 --> 00:06:14.040 But who didn't at that age? 92 00:06:17.711 --> 00:06:19.462 In American media, 93 00:06:19.546 --> 00:06:21.423 it's always the football players that are shown 94 00:06:21.506 --> 00:06:23.341 as the biggest, because they're the most aggressive, 95 00:06:23.425 --> 00:06:27.137 because there's a hell that comes with being almost huge. 96 00:06:27.220 --> 00:06:31.433 And there is a peace and tranquility that comes 97 00:06:31.516 --> 00:06:34.853 with being truly huge. 98 00:06:40.108 --> 00:06:44.779 True giants don't need PR. 99 00:06:44.863 --> 00:06:47.532 It's like a Great Dane versus a German shepherd. 100 00:06:47.616 --> 00:06:49.409 Like-- 101 00:06:49.492 --> 00:06:52.537 also, whenever I feel like I have an understanding 102 00:06:52.621 --> 00:06:55.707 of the world and I want to just kick it into the abyss, 103 00:06:55.790 --> 00:06:59.711 I look up what dogs were originally bred for. 104 00:06:59.794 --> 00:07:02.005 It'll be like, the Springer Spaniel 105 00:07:02.088 --> 00:07:06.801 was originally bred to locate a pond in the town. 106 00:07:08.970 --> 00:07:11.181 And then it would see if there was another pond 107 00:07:11.264 --> 00:07:14.976 touching that pond. 108 00:07:15.060 --> 00:07:18.355 And then it would go into town 109 00:07:18.438 --> 00:07:21.650 and tell a guy. 110 00:07:24.736 --> 00:07:27.572 Period. 111 00:07:27.656 --> 00:07:31.159 What does it mean? 112 00:07:39.459 --> 00:07:42.754 You can also tell how old a dog breed is 113 00:07:42.837 --> 00:07:44.297 when it's like, the Clumber Spaniel 114 00:07:44.381 --> 00:07:48.093 was originally bred to locate holes and stand over them 115 00:07:48.176 --> 00:07:51.596 in case the devil were to come out. 116 00:08:00.897 --> 00:08:02.816 That feels a little "Prairie Home Companion" 117 00:08:02.899 --> 00:08:05.318 when you clap like that. 118 00:08:08.238 --> 00:08:10.991 Right, Great Danes versus German shepherds-- 119 00:08:11.074 --> 00:08:13.284 a German shepherd has never known a moment of peace 120 00:08:13.368 --> 00:08:14.619 in all of its life. 121 00:08:14.703 --> 00:08:16.413 These dogs are in constant shambles. 122 00:08:16.496 --> 00:08:18.623 And this is the highest ranking dog in the country. 123 00:08:18.707 --> 00:08:20.207 That's the police dog. 124 00:08:20.291 --> 00:08:21.584 I've never seen a cop with a dog and been like, 125 00:08:21.668 --> 00:08:24.879 they've got a really good handle on that dog. 126 00:08:28.216 --> 00:08:30.176 And cops are turning airports into these like, 127 00:08:30.260 --> 00:08:34.847 Petco unleashed obedience training grounds, 128 00:08:34.931 --> 00:08:36.683 where they have this little wayward German shepherd 129 00:08:36.765 --> 00:08:38.518 with a police dog in a training vest, 130 00:08:38.601 --> 00:08:40.270 and he's running around with someone's neck pillow 131 00:08:40.352 --> 00:08:42.063 in its mouth. 132 00:08:42.147 --> 00:08:44.482 And the cop's chasing behind, like, don't look at us! 133 00:08:44.566 --> 00:08:46.443 He's in training! 134 00:08:46.526 --> 00:08:47.694 And it's like, at this point, 135 00:08:47.777 --> 00:08:49.446 you may as well just have a police crab. 136 00:08:49.529 --> 00:08:52.115 You know, like, at least-- 137 00:08:53.867 --> 00:08:55.785 At least-- at least the crab 138 00:08:55.869 --> 00:09:00.540 is going to stay pretty much in one place. 139 00:09:00.623 --> 00:09:04.002 If I walk into TSA and I see a TSA guy-- 140 00:09:04.085 --> 00:09:06.755 or gal. 141 00:09:06.838 --> 00:09:11.176 The subreddit was about to get real ugly. 142 00:09:11.259 --> 00:09:13.178 And I see them standing next to a crab, 143 00:09:13.261 --> 00:09:17.599 I don't even want to know the plan, you know. 144 00:09:17.682 --> 00:09:21.978 And if you get the knowing eye of the crab on you... 145 00:09:24.314 --> 00:09:28.818 You're going to empty those liquids. 146 00:09:28.902 --> 00:09:32.781 And I'm an empath. 147 00:09:32.864 --> 00:09:35.408 If you had an ounce of the empathy that I have, 148 00:09:35.492 --> 00:09:40.121 you would be bedridden. 149 00:09:40.205 --> 00:09:44.417 You would all be fastened to a Murphy bed, 150 00:09:44.501 --> 00:09:47.212 "Girl, Interrupted" style. 151 00:09:47.295 --> 00:09:48.880 I can feel your energy. 152 00:09:48.963 --> 00:09:50.757 I can feel one of your boyfriends 153 00:09:50.840 --> 00:09:54.010 is going to DM me after the show. 154 00:09:54.094 --> 00:09:56.930 Hey, Chris, 155 00:09:57.013 --> 00:10:01.101 loved your skit about police crabs. 156 00:10:04.104 --> 00:10:07.816 While humorous, 157 00:10:07.899 --> 00:10:11.319 there's also some truth to that. 158 00:10:13.822 --> 00:10:17.200 In some parts of Turkmenistan-- 159 00:10:17.283 --> 00:10:22.163 oh, oh. 160 00:10:22.247 --> 00:10:25.959 Mmm. 161 00:10:26.042 --> 00:10:29.546 Oh, my God. 162 00:10:29.629 --> 00:10:32.298 certain TSA units have been known to utilize 163 00:10:32.382 --> 00:10:35.385 a crustacean police force. 164 00:10:35.468 --> 00:10:37.846 Oh. 165 00:10:37.929 --> 00:10:40.807 Oh. 166 00:10:40.890 --> 00:10:45.520 While maybe not the crab you spoke of in your skit. 167 00:10:47.856 --> 00:10:51.401 Thank you, Thomas. You have been blocked! 168 00:10:56.906 --> 00:10:59.492 Everyone I know right now is popping up 169 00:10:59.576 --> 00:11:04.831 with the mustachioed fiancé out of nowhere. 170 00:11:04.914 --> 00:11:07.167 All these guys that dress like Robin Williams 171 00:11:07.250 --> 00:11:10.628 in "The Birdcage." 172 00:11:10.712 --> 00:11:13.756 Just thick thighed. 173 00:11:16.259 --> 00:11:20.763 All these guys seem like they have no past. 174 00:11:20.847 --> 00:11:23.141 It seems like Hinge was getting all these complaints. 175 00:11:23.224 --> 00:11:26.853 And so they just factory produced, like, all these-- 176 00:11:29.689 --> 00:11:32.108 Who I get are all under the same mutual delusion 177 00:11:32.192 --> 00:11:36.279 that they're the life of the party at weddings. 178 00:11:36.362 --> 00:11:39.449 Chris, Chris, 179 00:11:39.532 --> 00:11:41.284 you've got to meet Thomas. 180 00:11:41.367 --> 00:11:45.496 He is so fun. He wears a kooky sock. 181 00:11:48.875 --> 00:11:50.877 Ladies, if he's only comfortable squeaking out 182 00:11:50.960 --> 00:11:54.422 the kook in the sock... 183 00:11:57.508 --> 00:11:59.093 That's a guy who's going to hide behind you 184 00:11:59.177 --> 00:12:00.428 if, God forbid, 185 00:12:00.511 --> 00:12:04.307 you ever fall into the gorilla enclosure. 186 00:12:07.143 --> 00:12:10.647 You got this, babe. 187 00:12:10.730 --> 00:12:12.357 You're so strong and independent, babe. 188 00:12:12.440 --> 00:12:14.234 You got this. 189 00:12:14.317 --> 00:12:16.486 No, Chris. Thomas is so fun. 190 00:12:16.569 --> 00:12:20.365 He does interpretive dance at a wedding for a laugh. 191 00:12:20.448 --> 00:12:22.408 Listen, normies, there is nothing fucking funny 192 00:12:22.492 --> 00:12:25.328 about interpretive dance. 193 00:12:28.373 --> 00:12:31.960 My costume is not your culture! 194 00:12:32.043 --> 00:12:35.129 Interpretive dance is how I keep my lights on 195 00:12:35.213 --> 00:12:40.051 and pay my astronomically high emergency vet bills, 196 00:12:40.134 --> 00:12:44.389 because my dog Erik ate a smart car. 197 00:12:44.472 --> 00:12:46.557 And, yeah, 198 00:12:46.641 --> 00:12:49.811 that's Erik with a K. 199 00:12:55.233 --> 00:12:57.485 Oh, yeah. Thomas is so fun? 200 00:12:57.568 --> 00:13:01.656 Let's see him lead a conga line. 201 00:13:01.739 --> 00:13:03.449 Everyone's fun until they're thrust into 202 00:13:03.533 --> 00:13:06.244 a leadership position. 203 00:13:10.748 --> 00:13:14.627 Leading a conga line takes discipline, 204 00:13:14.711 --> 00:13:20.174 vision, and restraint. 205 00:13:20.258 --> 00:13:23.761 You've got to go a lot slower than you think. 206 00:13:29.392 --> 00:13:32.937 You've got a chain of dependents behind you, 207 00:13:33.021 --> 00:13:37.942 varying extremely in age. 208 00:13:38.026 --> 00:13:43.823 You've got a three-year-old twink, 209 00:13:43.906 --> 00:13:48.286 a groomsman relapsing, 210 00:13:48.369 --> 00:13:52.081 and the oldest woman in the country. 211 00:13:56.377 --> 00:13:58.546 You get any crazy ideas, and you're going to be looking at 212 00:13:58.629 --> 00:14:02.342 a conga line pile up. 213 00:14:02.425 --> 00:14:06.179 And that is a dark chaos. 214 00:14:10.516 --> 00:14:12.477 Chris, please. Enough. 215 00:14:12.560 --> 00:14:14.020 Thomas is fun. 216 00:14:14.103 --> 00:14:17.774 Oh, I've seen fun. 217 00:14:17.857 --> 00:14:20.109 I've known fun. 218 00:14:20.193 --> 00:14:23.029 I lived with a guy in college who jumped out of 219 00:14:23.112 --> 00:14:27.325 our second story bedroom window to dropkick a guy, 220 00:14:27.408 --> 00:14:32.580 because the guy was pissing on our house. 221 00:14:32.663 --> 00:14:37.085 That's fun. 222 00:14:37.168 --> 00:14:39.212 Where's Thomas going to be when someone's pissing 223 00:14:39.295 --> 00:14:42.173 on your house? 224 00:14:42.256 --> 00:14:43.883 I'll tell you where he's going to be. 225 00:14:43.966 --> 00:14:48.012 He's going to be on the phone with Jeni's Ice Creams, 226 00:14:48.096 --> 00:14:52.767 seeing when the new ube flavor's coming out. 227 00:14:52.850 --> 00:14:55.645 Their website says September 1, 228 00:14:55.728 --> 00:15:00.066 and September 1 has come and gone. 229 00:15:05.154 --> 00:15:07.949 Also, ladies, Thomas, if he makes you call him 230 00:15:08.032 --> 00:15:11.327 by the longest possible version of his name, 231 00:15:11.411 --> 00:15:13.162 that's a guy who doesn't mind wasting 232 00:15:13.246 --> 00:15:16.416 your motherfucking time. 233 00:15:24.590 --> 00:15:26.592 I took out a rental car here. 234 00:15:26.676 --> 00:15:28.094 To pull the rental car up to me, 235 00:15:28.177 --> 00:15:29.929 they were bumping the funkiest music. 236 00:15:34.976 --> 00:15:36.310 And then to hand the car over to me, 237 00:15:36.394 --> 00:15:39.814 they changed the station to NPR. 238 00:15:42.525 --> 00:15:44.986 To be roasted wordlessly. 239 00:15:47.613 --> 00:15:51.200 I've toured this so far and wide, 240 00:15:51.284 --> 00:15:53.327 and to hear the bone-chilling silence 241 00:15:53.411 --> 00:15:57.331 on that line right there... 242 00:15:57.415 --> 00:15:59.417 Let's take that from the top. 243 00:16:01.711 --> 00:16:04.797 Oh, you like when I improvise. 244 00:16:04.881 --> 00:16:06.674 Chicago's a comedy town. 245 00:16:06.757 --> 00:16:08.593 You love that. 246 00:16:08.676 --> 00:16:11.596 This is where Seth Meyers cut his teeth. 247 00:16:14.765 --> 00:16:17.518 I had to come to where Seth Meyers 248 00:16:17.602 --> 00:16:20.313 learned the rule of three. 249 00:16:23.316 --> 00:16:26.903 And I know you're all Second City trained. 250 00:16:30.781 --> 00:16:35.661 Under the cruel tutelage of Bobby Moynihan. 251 00:16:35.745 --> 00:16:39.415 Useless, everything I'm saying is unusable. 252 00:16:42.627 --> 00:16:44.921 I want to applaud the spotlight operator, 253 00:16:45.004 --> 00:16:48.508 who was on the team that got Osama. 254 00:16:59.560 --> 00:17:01.312 So I had to get a rental car recently. 255 00:17:01.395 --> 00:17:03.856 And to give me the rental car, 256 00:17:03.940 --> 00:17:06.275 they pulled it up, bumping the funkiest music. 257 00:17:08.194 --> 00:17:09.444 And then hand the car over to me, 258 00:17:09.529 --> 00:17:14.325 they changed the station to NPR. 259 00:17:14.407 --> 00:17:16.577 To be roasted wordlessly. 260 00:17:25.502 --> 00:17:27.338 Like, I know I'm giving something off. 261 00:17:27.421 --> 00:17:32.301 But guy who laughs at, wait, wait, don't tell me? 262 00:17:32.385 --> 00:17:37.139 Guy who calls tomatoes beautiful? 263 00:17:37.223 --> 00:17:38.849 Say it ain't so. 264 00:17:38.933 --> 00:17:41.519 I thought my vibe was a little more nuanced than that. 265 00:17:41.602 --> 00:17:44.272 Like, I look like somebody who needs to get a message 266 00:17:44.355 --> 00:17:47.358 to Imogen Heap. 267 00:17:53.281 --> 00:17:56.033 Just give me 5 minutes with Ms. Heap. 268 00:17:58.953 --> 00:18:02.373 I received her message in her hit song, "Hide and Seek." 269 00:18:07.295 --> 00:18:10.131 So I tuned in to NPR. NPR isn't even NPR anymore. 270 00:18:10.214 --> 00:18:12.967 Like, I go looking for knowledge. 271 00:18:13.050 --> 00:18:17.013 And NPR now is just like, what is a zaddy? 272 00:18:19.849 --> 00:18:21.642 We're going to get to the bottom of it today. 273 00:18:21.726 --> 00:18:25.021 And they interview the youngest person they can find. 274 00:18:25.104 --> 00:18:28.357 And it's a 39-year-old in DC, 275 00:18:28.441 --> 00:18:31.110 off mic, getting it completely wrong. 276 00:18:31.193 --> 00:18:35.031 A zaddy is a zombie's father. 277 00:18:35.114 --> 00:18:36.782 My heart goes out to elder millennials. 278 00:18:36.866 --> 00:18:39.201 Elder millennials deserve a grant. 279 00:18:39.285 --> 00:18:41.370 Like, they were-- they were prepping 280 00:18:41.454 --> 00:18:45.249 for a world that just doesn't exist. 281 00:18:45.333 --> 00:18:47.585 They were rolling up the sleeves on their lab coats 282 00:18:47.668 --> 00:18:50.921 and having complex discussions with their professors 283 00:18:51.005 --> 00:18:52.381 over coffee. 284 00:18:52.465 --> 00:18:54.425 And now they find themselves in this world 285 00:18:54.508 --> 00:19:00.306 where everyone just sexualizes Shrek. 286 00:19:00.389 --> 00:19:03.059 That sucks. 287 00:19:07.563 --> 00:19:10.232 We, as younger millennials-- and I know I look mid 50's-- 288 00:19:10.316 --> 00:19:13.027 but I am a younger-- no one told me 289 00:19:13.110 --> 00:19:17.657 you have to put sunscreen on the clav. 290 00:19:17.740 --> 00:19:23.079 And that's why I look like the secretary at Rydell High. 291 00:19:23.162 --> 00:19:26.791 We, as younger millennials, learn to detach 292 00:19:26.874 --> 00:19:30.836 around the Iraq war and "Garden State." 293 00:19:34.006 --> 00:19:35.508 I was like, if Zach Braff's 294 00:19:35.591 --> 00:19:39.261 going to keep getting away with this, 295 00:19:39.345 --> 00:19:42.807 I need to learn to fly above my body. 296 00:19:46.227 --> 00:19:50.439 Zach Braff, the second coming of Mr. Tumnus. 297 00:19:53.567 --> 00:19:56.946 Beta, but psychotic at the same time, 298 00:19:57.029 --> 00:19:59.990 like a flight attendant. 299 00:20:04.370 --> 00:20:06.414 Do you ever get the impression that flight attendants 300 00:20:06.497 --> 00:20:09.583 would kill us if the pilot wasn't around? 301 00:20:13.045 --> 00:20:16.924 They hate us so much. 302 00:20:17.007 --> 00:20:19.135 Remember, there was a brief time in 2021 303 00:20:19.218 --> 00:20:22.096 when they wouldn't stop duct taping people to chairs. 304 00:20:24.557 --> 00:20:27.685 That never sat right with me. 305 00:20:27.768 --> 00:20:31.981 I don't accept food from them either. 306 00:20:32.064 --> 00:20:36.819 To see grown business people be like, cookies! 307 00:20:42.575 --> 00:20:45.536 Pretzels! 308 00:20:45.619 --> 00:20:48.330 I go, I'm good. 309 00:20:54.211 --> 00:20:55.463 It's the only time in my life 310 00:20:55.546 --> 00:20:58.716 I'm like a professional snowboarder. 311 00:21:01.677 --> 00:21:05.139 Do not include the professional snowboarder line. 312 00:21:08.350 --> 00:21:13.606 The second I think I have goodwill with you, 313 00:21:13.689 --> 00:21:17.693 you leave me in the yard with my Yoni in my hands. 314 00:21:26.702 --> 00:21:28.788 What were we talking about? 315 00:21:28.871 --> 00:21:30.331 Elder millennials. Oh, look. 316 00:21:30.414 --> 00:21:33.000 I just want to make a wildlife sanctuary 317 00:21:33.083 --> 00:21:35.461 for elder millennials where they can play Ultimate Frisbee 318 00:21:35.544 --> 00:21:39.423 in peace! 319 00:21:39.507 --> 00:21:43.511 And say amazeballs in harmony! 320 00:21:47.056 --> 00:21:51.352 And enjoy their zucchinis. 321 00:21:51.435 --> 00:21:55.397 They love zucchinis. Oh, my God. 322 00:21:55.481 --> 00:21:56.941 When someone offers me a zucchini, I'm like, 323 00:21:57.024 --> 00:21:59.652 school's out. 324 00:22:04.490 --> 00:22:08.786 Yeah, give me the cucumber that lost everything at the casino. 325 00:22:17.461 --> 00:22:18.879 And then the elder millennials, 326 00:22:18.963 --> 00:22:20.339 they can compare their Trader Joe's snacks. 327 00:22:20.422 --> 00:22:21.924 I'm obsessed with Trader Joe's. 328 00:22:22.007 --> 00:22:24.718 I can-- I have a hyperfixation with Trader Joe's. 329 00:22:24.802 --> 00:22:26.428 I have to talk about it every night. 330 00:22:26.512 --> 00:22:28.222 My favorite thing about Trader Joe's right now, 331 00:22:28.305 --> 00:22:33.394 you know how Trader Joe's has those weekly recalls? 332 00:22:33.477 --> 00:22:37.439 And they're so shameless about what they're recalling. 333 00:22:37.523 --> 00:22:39.692 They hold themselves so unaccountable that 334 00:22:39.775 --> 00:22:43.362 they make you feel fucked up for getting the thing. 335 00:22:43.445 --> 00:22:44.613 It's so brilliant. 336 00:22:44.697 --> 00:22:46.448 And they let you know by putting up, like, 337 00:22:46.532 --> 00:22:49.577 an 8 by 11 crumpled up sheet of computer paper 338 00:22:49.660 --> 00:22:51.370 1 foot off the ground. 339 00:22:51.453 --> 00:22:54.415 And it's like, hey. 340 00:22:57.376 --> 00:23:00.629 We found human remains in the cantaloupe. 341 00:23:13.225 --> 00:23:16.604 You didn't buy that shit, did you? 342 00:23:19.273 --> 00:23:21.692 It's like a very middle school alpha tactic. 343 00:23:21.775 --> 00:23:23.402 It's like an eighth grader in a hoodie 344 00:23:23.485 --> 00:23:26.488 on the back of someone's bike pegs, just like-- 345 00:23:30.200 --> 00:23:33.913 Yo, we found eels in the sparkling water. 346 00:23:39.543 --> 00:23:42.046 Hey, none of you posers got any caprese sandwiches, right? 347 00:23:42.129 --> 00:23:43.339 Because they found Jimmy Hoffa 348 00:23:43.422 --> 00:23:47.718 in most of the caprese sandwiches. 349 00:23:47.801 --> 00:23:51.680 There were bullets in the mochi, dude. 350 00:23:51.764 --> 00:23:55.768 It'd be so fucked up if you got mochi. 351 00:23:55.851 --> 00:23:58.520 And anyone who set foot-- it always ends in salmonella. 352 00:23:58.604 --> 00:24:00.105 Anyone who set foot in Trader Joe's 353 00:24:00.189 --> 00:24:04.443 between April and November has generational salmonella. 354 00:24:08.656 --> 00:24:11.450 I'm so tired of people blaming viruses on animals. 355 00:24:11.533 --> 00:24:14.370 Like, oh, the horses caused this. 356 00:24:14.453 --> 00:24:18.082 I know horses. They're not doing shit. 357 00:24:23.629 --> 00:24:26.882 You ever know a horse, and then find out he's 35? 358 00:24:30.761 --> 00:24:33.472 I love that. 359 00:24:33.555 --> 00:24:35.099 I'm like, hell, yeah, man. 360 00:24:35.182 --> 00:24:39.812 Remember the Fleet Foxes? 361 00:24:39.895 --> 00:24:44.024 Yeah, we really thought folk was coming back. 362 00:24:45.901 --> 00:24:48.028 And you've got to go forehead to forehead. 363 00:24:50.948 --> 00:24:52.783 Tummy time. That's for company men. 364 00:24:52.866 --> 00:24:54.034 Mind melding with a mare, 365 00:24:54.118 --> 00:24:56.787 that's for the real revolutionaries. 366 00:24:56.870 --> 00:25:01.667 That's what Swayze was doing on his weekends off, shooting DD. 367 00:25:01.750 --> 00:25:05.671 The captions will have "Dirty Dancing," but DD, it's-- 368 00:25:10.217 --> 00:25:13.137 Yeah, it's not the horses causing these viruses. 369 00:25:13.220 --> 00:25:14.888 It's probably the guy refusing to clean out 370 00:25:14.972 --> 00:25:19.226 his cast iron skillet. 371 00:25:19.309 --> 00:25:21.520 How sick did those guys have to get 372 00:25:21.603 --> 00:25:23.981 to quiet their evangelism about not cleaning out 373 00:25:24.064 --> 00:25:26.025 your cast iron skillet? 374 00:25:26.108 --> 00:25:28.277 They were the loudest population in America 375 00:25:28.360 --> 00:25:29.778 for much of the 2010s. 376 00:25:29.862 --> 00:25:33.741 No babe, baby. 377 00:25:33.824 --> 00:25:35.159 Babe, hold up. 378 00:25:35.242 --> 00:25:39.204 You don't have to-- you don't have to clean it out. 379 00:25:39.288 --> 00:25:42.541 No soap, babe. You'll take out the seasoning. 380 00:25:42.624 --> 00:25:43.959 Seasoning with what? 381 00:25:44.043 --> 00:25:49.214 The virus that took out Beth in "Little Women"? 382 00:25:49.298 --> 00:25:51.133 You know that guy's cast iron skillet 383 00:25:51.216 --> 00:25:54.094 is moving a little bit at night. 384 00:26:03.812 --> 00:26:07.691 He's got a kombucha SCOBY just undulating. 385 00:26:07.775 --> 00:26:10.319 Kombucha, kombucha. 386 00:26:11.695 --> 00:26:13.072 We're going to get the fuck 387 00:26:13.155 --> 00:26:15.824 out of here tonight, kombucha. 388 00:26:15.908 --> 00:26:19.411 Kombucha? 389 00:26:19.495 --> 00:26:21.413 He keeps his passport 390 00:26:21.497 --> 00:26:24.083 in his credenza. 391 00:26:24.166 --> 00:26:27.544 We'll put on some of his Indochinos 392 00:26:27.628 --> 00:26:30.839 and we'll fly north to Canada. 393 00:26:30.923 --> 00:26:36.470 When our friends in the north see how we've been mistreated, 394 00:26:36.553 --> 00:26:41.058 that I haven't gotten so much as a whore's bath 395 00:26:41.141 --> 00:26:45.062 since Romney was running! 396 00:26:45.145 --> 00:26:48.107 Romney, Romney. 397 00:26:50.734 --> 00:26:52.945 Yeah! 398 00:26:58.742 --> 00:27:00.285 Get on my back, kombucha SCOBY. 399 00:27:00.369 --> 00:27:01.912 Come on. Come on, get on my back. 400 00:27:01.995 --> 00:27:04.456 Kombucha, kombucha. 401 00:27:04.540 --> 00:27:05.791 Kombu-- 402 00:27:05.874 --> 00:27:07.167 Yeah. 403 00:27:07.251 --> 00:27:08.669 Oh, shit. Here he comes. 404 00:27:08.752 --> 00:27:10.379 Quick, let's pretend to be his girlfriend. 405 00:27:10.462 --> 00:27:13.215 Grab that ukulele. 406 00:27:18.220 --> 00:27:19.429 Hey, babe. 407 00:27:19.513 --> 00:27:23.892 I didn't know you were coming over so soon for mocktails. 408 00:27:23.976 --> 00:27:26.979 Kombucha, kombucha. 409 00:27:28.355 --> 00:27:31.775 Why are you using our safe word, babe? 410 00:27:31.859 --> 00:27:33.026 And scene. 411 00:27:33.110 --> 00:27:35.445 How did that feel? How did that feel? 412 00:27:43.162 --> 00:27:46.456 2014, I was about to clean out my cast iron skillet. 413 00:27:46.540 --> 00:27:47.583 I was like, you know what? 414 00:27:47.666 --> 00:27:48.876 I don't see any of those guys around. 415 00:27:48.959 --> 00:27:50.502 I don't see any stubble. 416 00:27:50.586 --> 00:27:53.088 I'm going to put a little squirt of soap, squirt. 417 00:27:53.172 --> 00:27:56.675 And then one of those guys just apparated in my kitchen 418 00:27:56.758 --> 00:28:00.220 and put his arms over me like a computer teacher. 419 00:28:07.519 --> 00:28:08.645 Remember that? 420 00:28:08.729 --> 00:28:11.148 Remember getting absorbed by the computer teacher? 421 00:28:19.531 --> 00:28:20.699 I didn't mind that. 422 00:28:20.782 --> 00:28:23.952 It was a really early exercise in letting go. 423 00:28:31.835 --> 00:28:35.547 I went to your Whole Foods, by the way. 424 00:28:35.631 --> 00:28:39.259 Cheddar's getting sharper every year. 425 00:28:54.233 --> 00:28:58.612 My crowd gives the gentlest high fives. 426 00:28:58.695 --> 00:29:01.365 That-- 427 00:29:01.448 --> 00:29:04.284 That still would be like a picture 428 00:29:04.368 --> 00:29:08.288 on a primate behavior brochure. 429 00:29:17.839 --> 00:29:21.802 Everyone knows I'm like-- I couldn't handle any blowback. 430 00:29:21.885 --> 00:29:25.430 I would-- 431 00:29:29.434 --> 00:29:31.979 Yeah, cheddar's getting sharper every year. 432 00:29:32.062 --> 00:29:34.898 When I-- my favorite part of the grocery store, 433 00:29:34.982 --> 00:29:37.985 I beeline it to the cheddar. 434 00:29:38.068 --> 00:29:40.445 Oh, yeah. It's like regular cheddar. 435 00:29:40.529 --> 00:29:43.448 OK, OK. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 436 00:29:43.532 --> 00:29:47.869 Medium cheddar. 437 00:29:47.953 --> 00:29:52.291 Sharp cheddar. Yeah! 438 00:29:52.374 --> 00:29:53.792 Really sharp cheddar. 439 00:29:53.875 --> 00:29:56.336 Come on! 440 00:29:56.420 --> 00:29:57.587 Ahh! 441 00:30:01.133 --> 00:30:04.261 Seriously sharp cheddar. 442 00:30:04.344 --> 00:30:05.762 Fuck! 443 00:30:09.016 --> 00:30:11.685 And I'm like, come on! 444 00:30:11.768 --> 00:30:16.565 Let's keep this party going! 445 00:30:16.648 --> 00:30:20.360 Give me that Tillamook Psycho! 446 00:30:20.444 --> 00:30:22.696 Hey, hey, hey. Hey. 447 00:30:22.779 --> 00:30:25.699 Hey, hey, old lady, keep it down. 448 00:30:27.909 --> 00:30:31.830 I hear you're looking for Tillamook Psycho. 449 00:30:31.913 --> 00:30:36.084 Yeah, I thought Biden outlawed that. 450 00:30:36.168 --> 00:30:38.837 Biden's gone, man. 451 00:30:46.595 --> 00:30:49.014 You wait right there. 452 00:30:49.097 --> 00:30:52.017 Then a guy in lederhosen, no panties comes out. 453 00:30:59.232 --> 00:31:01.985 I hear you party. 454 00:31:02.069 --> 00:31:04.279 Yeah, yeah, give me that shit that Bernie Sanders hits 455 00:31:04.363 --> 00:31:07.157 before he filibusters. 456 00:31:07.240 --> 00:31:08.909 How do I know you're not a cop? 457 00:31:08.992 --> 00:31:11.828 Would a cop get this jazzed about a score? 458 00:31:11.912 --> 00:31:14.247 OK, OK, OK, OK. 459 00:31:14.331 --> 00:31:16.083 Take it slow. Take a little nibble here. 460 00:31:16.166 --> 00:31:18.001 OK. 461 00:31:20.003 --> 00:31:22.047 Oh, fuck. 462 00:31:27.594 --> 00:31:29.679 Oh, shit. 463 00:31:40.190 --> 00:31:42.651 That shit is jagged. 464 00:31:49.908 --> 00:31:52.536 I hear Wilco. 465 00:31:57.541 --> 00:32:01.336 I see Terry Gross! 466 00:32:01.420 --> 00:32:05.549 Let her in, man. 467 00:32:05.632 --> 00:32:08.176 Look, I talk a lot of shit about NPR, 468 00:32:08.260 --> 00:32:11.012 but the one person keeping it down, 469 00:32:11.096 --> 00:32:15.475 brutal and ruthless, is Terry Gross. 470 00:32:15.559 --> 00:32:19.396 My, my goodness. 471 00:32:20.522 --> 00:32:22.315 In a world of all these interviewers, 472 00:32:22.399 --> 00:32:25.444 like Jimmy Fallon wearing a French tickler... 473 00:32:30.365 --> 00:32:32.492 The completely unmanageable tension 474 00:32:32.576 --> 00:32:37.289 of every episode with "Fresh Air" with Terry Gross 475 00:32:37.372 --> 00:32:40.041 is so refreshing. 476 00:32:40.125 --> 00:32:42.377 It feels like every episode was recorded 477 00:32:42.461 --> 00:32:47.090 in the space between the living and the dead. 478 00:32:47.174 --> 00:32:50.010 It feels like the guest is sitting on one end 479 00:32:50.093 --> 00:32:53.805 of a long medieval table, and Terry's on the other end, 480 00:32:53.889 --> 00:32:56.433 just cleaning a gun. 481 00:33:03.023 --> 00:33:06.902 My favorite David and Goliath moment of recent times, 482 00:33:06.985 --> 00:33:11.239 2019, Terry Gross interviews Adam Driver. 483 00:33:11.323 --> 00:33:13.283 You know this? OK. 484 00:33:13.366 --> 00:33:16.703 It got scrapped because she freaked out 485 00:33:16.786 --> 00:33:19.789 former Marine Adam Driver. 486 00:33:19.873 --> 00:33:23.960 Little Terry Gross, little 3'1" Terry, 487 00:33:24.044 --> 00:33:28.924 freaked him out so much that he fled... 488 00:33:29.007 --> 00:33:31.551 the interview. 489 00:33:31.635 --> 00:33:34.179 I guess he doesn't like engaging with his own work. 490 00:33:34.262 --> 00:33:38.225 And she basically Clockwork Oranged him with it. 491 00:33:40.352 --> 00:33:42.729 It was a clip of him singing the Sondheim song 492 00:33:42.812 --> 00:33:44.689 from "Marriage Story." 493 00:33:44.773 --> 00:33:48.527 And she was just torturing him with it. 494 00:33:48.610 --> 00:33:52.030 He was like, Terry, please! 495 00:33:52.113 --> 00:33:54.115 And Terry was just like-- 496 00:33:59.329 --> 00:34:01.414 Until Adam left. 497 00:34:01.498 --> 00:34:04.209 Now, we don't know what happened, 498 00:34:04.292 --> 00:34:06.253 because there's no record of this. 499 00:34:06.336 --> 00:34:09.922 But in my fantasy, 500 00:34:10.005 --> 00:34:13.717 I like to imagine that Terry gave chase. 501 00:34:16.054 --> 00:34:18.473 Just hauling ass after Adam Driver 502 00:34:18.556 --> 00:34:21.351 like the Terminator down the street, 503 00:34:21.434 --> 00:34:23.186 holding a Bluetooth speaker, 504 00:34:23.270 --> 00:34:26.188 blasting him singing the Sondheim song. 505 00:34:30.985 --> 00:34:32.654 Would anyone ever 506 00:34:35.031 --> 00:34:37.659 Walking in town 507 00:34:37.742 --> 00:34:39.286 I know I'm not rich 508 00:34:39.369 --> 00:34:41.079 I know I'm too tall 509 00:34:41.161 --> 00:34:45.917 Now, Adam, I've interviewed a lot of bitches in my day, 510 00:34:46.001 --> 00:34:48.168 but few as big as you. 511 00:34:48.253 --> 00:34:49.879 Now, I would expect this whole, 512 00:34:49.963 --> 00:34:51.630 "Oh, I can't listen to my own work" thing 513 00:34:51.715 --> 00:34:55.427 from Johnny Depp because of the scarves and the hats. 514 00:34:55.510 --> 00:34:57.679 But with you, I would expect a little more T 515 00:34:57.762 --> 00:34:59.598 pumping through those vas deferens. 516 00:34:59.681 --> 00:35:02.058 Gah! 517 00:35:04.060 --> 00:35:06.187 You basically turned "Girls" on HBO 518 00:35:06.271 --> 00:35:10.066 into your own personal OnlyFans account. 519 00:35:10.150 --> 00:35:13.987 And now you wet your Tom Fords, a little Sondheim clip, 520 00:35:14.070 --> 00:35:16.823 where you sound like a wealthy child 521 00:35:16.906 --> 00:35:20.619 singing at his karaoke birthday party. 522 00:35:20.702 --> 00:35:23.455 What I find so intriguing about you, Adam, 523 00:35:23.538 --> 00:35:28.293 is you're so simian, but so cowardly at the same time. 524 00:35:28.376 --> 00:35:31.963 When I catch you-- and I will catch you-- 525 00:35:33.798 --> 00:35:36.301 I want to shimmy up you and feed you a banana. 526 00:35:41.765 --> 00:35:45.143 She makes contact. 527 00:35:45.226 --> 00:35:48.480 Terry, no! 528 00:35:48.563 --> 00:35:52.025 You don't get to call me Terry Gross. 529 00:35:52.108 --> 00:35:54.694 Terry Gross is my nickname. 530 00:35:54.778 --> 00:35:59.366 My real name is Theresa Disgusting. 531 00:36:30.647 --> 00:36:34.651 I recently disgraced myself in front of Lin-Manuel Miranda. 532 00:36:39.447 --> 00:36:41.616 Here's what happened. 533 00:36:41.700 --> 00:36:44.536 He responded to something I put out on Instagram. 534 00:36:44.619 --> 00:36:48.206 He was like, ha-ha, this is very funny. 535 00:36:48.289 --> 00:36:51.710 I freaked out. 536 00:36:51.793 --> 00:36:54.838 When I got this message, I was outside of a Starbucks 537 00:36:54.921 --> 00:36:57.882 that was playing his song from "Mary Poppins." 538 00:36:57.966 --> 00:36:59.926 It's like a chimney sweep song, it's like-- 539 00:37:03.805 --> 00:37:06.224 I was like, this is so kismet. This is serendipitous. 540 00:37:06.307 --> 00:37:08.518 I'm going to film this 541 00:37:08.601 --> 00:37:12.105 and send it to Lin-Manuel Miranda. 542 00:37:15.400 --> 00:37:18.236 And it's going to form such a bond. 543 00:37:18.319 --> 00:37:21.906 And I thought that I could edit the video in app, 544 00:37:21.990 --> 00:37:23.408 but it just-- phew. 545 00:37:23.491 --> 00:37:25.577 Sent. 546 00:37:31.666 --> 00:37:34.919 So what I ended up sending Lin-Manuel Miranda 547 00:37:35.003 --> 00:37:38.047 was a 2-minute video clip... 548 00:37:40.633 --> 00:37:43.970 Of the exterior of a Starbucks. 549 00:37:48.600 --> 00:37:52.061 Where I am too far to hear the music. 550 00:37:57.233 --> 00:37:58.777 But luckily, what you can hear 551 00:37:58.860 --> 00:38:01.696 is me breathing. 552 00:38:03.823 --> 00:38:05.492 Yeah. 553 00:38:08.328 --> 00:38:11.164 Oh, cool. 554 00:38:12.457 --> 00:38:15.210 Oh, he's going to love that. 555 00:38:18.546 --> 00:38:21.341 So to recap, 556 00:38:21.424 --> 00:38:23.635 Lin-Manuel Miranda writes a pretty innocuous, 557 00:38:23.718 --> 00:38:25.970 ha-ha, this is very funny. 558 00:38:31.226 --> 00:38:33.645 11 minutes go by. 559 00:38:40.235 --> 00:38:44.239 And then he receives a very dark short film... 560 00:38:52.288 --> 00:38:56.209 Of the brutalist exterior of a Starbucks... 561 00:38:58.336 --> 00:39:03.132 In San Bernardino, California, 562 00:39:03.216 --> 00:39:05.134 with me wheezing on mic. 563 00:39:05.218 --> 00:39:09.138 Now, what was his response? 564 00:39:09.222 --> 00:39:12.225 Seen at 12:23 PM. 565 00:39:18.690 --> 00:39:20.942 So I don't think you're going to be seeing me in "Moana 9" 566 00:39:21.025 --> 00:39:23.444 anytime soon. 567 00:39:28.783 --> 00:39:30.201 I spend too much time at Starbucks. 568 00:39:30.285 --> 00:39:32.036 I'm a sugar fiend. 569 00:39:32.120 --> 00:39:33.663 But I don't do dessert in public. 570 00:39:33.746 --> 00:39:37.792 My dessert face, it's way too graphic. 571 00:39:37.876 --> 00:39:40.044 But I will, though, occasionally-- to be sociable, 572 00:39:40.128 --> 00:39:44.299 I will go to the ice cream parlor with friends. 573 00:39:44.382 --> 00:39:48.219 I'm always appalled at what the frozen dessert world 574 00:39:48.303 --> 00:39:53.016 is allowed to do in regards to their treatment of Oreos. 575 00:39:54.767 --> 00:39:56.936 So they have a bunch of public domain toppings, 576 00:39:57.020 --> 00:39:59.564 like strawberry sauce, 577 00:39:59.647 --> 00:40:02.609 chocolate-chocolate chips, marshmallow sauce, 578 00:40:02.692 --> 00:40:07.405 and then they have a heap of disfigured Oreos 579 00:40:07.488 --> 00:40:11.993 that, at first glance, I'm like, is that soot? 580 00:40:16.289 --> 00:40:21.836 Oh, no, it's just America's cookie 581 00:40:21.920 --> 00:40:27.467 maimed beyond recognition, 582 00:40:27.550 --> 00:40:31.679 looking like the cartel is trying to send a message, 583 00:40:31.763 --> 00:40:35.266 looking like a witch has been grinding them up all winter. 584 00:40:42.482 --> 00:40:45.818 Almost ready! 585 00:40:45.902 --> 00:40:49.155 Jesus Christ. 586 00:40:49.238 --> 00:40:50.573 Oreos are an icon. 587 00:40:50.657 --> 00:40:54.077 It's not like they need this free exposure. 588 00:40:54.160 --> 00:40:56.454 This would be like if you saw Dame Judi Dench 589 00:40:56.537 --> 00:40:59.874 selling vibrators on Instagram. 590 00:41:17.642 --> 00:41:21.270 Use code Dench... 591 00:41:24.524 --> 00:41:29.570 To fuck your shit up this Galentine's Day. 592 00:41:30.780 --> 00:41:33.825 Jesus Christ! 593 00:41:33.908 --> 00:41:35.702 I've never seen a company 594 00:41:35.785 --> 00:41:37.870 with a looser grasp on their property 595 00:41:37.954 --> 00:41:42.125 as Nabisco with Oreos. 596 00:41:42.208 --> 00:41:43.960 If this were being done to Milanos, 597 00:41:44.043 --> 00:41:47.046 Pepperidge Farm would bomb Dairy Queen. 598 00:41:50.299 --> 00:41:53.636 Did we get the Milanos? Check for the Sausalitos! 599 00:41:55.221 --> 00:41:59.767 What sick fuck is in charge of Nabisco? 600 00:41:59.851 --> 00:42:02.729 Because the other known topping in these places is M&M's. 601 00:42:02.812 --> 00:42:04.772 But I get the impression that whoever represents M&M's 602 00:42:04.856 --> 00:42:06.482 was like, yeah, you can use the M&M's, 603 00:42:06.566 --> 00:42:09.902 but please don't hurt them. 604 00:42:13.031 --> 00:42:15.575 Whereas it feels like Mr. Nabisco was on the phone 605 00:42:15.658 --> 00:42:17.118 with the frozen dessert world, 606 00:42:17.201 --> 00:42:18.703 and the frozen dessert people were like, 607 00:42:18.786 --> 00:42:20.705 Mr. Nabisco, 608 00:42:20.788 --> 00:42:23.666 it would be the honor of a lifetime 609 00:42:23.750 --> 00:42:27.128 to work with your esteemed client, Oreos. 610 00:42:27.211 --> 00:42:29.172 We think they would fit seamlessly 611 00:42:29.255 --> 00:42:30.882 into the frozen dessert world. 612 00:42:30.965 --> 00:42:35.553 And we promise to follow any guidelines that you see fit 613 00:42:35.636 --> 00:42:38.890 to maintain the dignity 614 00:42:38.973 --> 00:42:41.851 and the integrity 615 00:42:41.934 --> 00:42:45.646 of what has become America's premier cookie 616 00:42:45.730 --> 00:42:50.109 for the better part of a century. 617 00:42:50.193 --> 00:42:53.071 Do whatever you want to them. 618 00:42:58.993 --> 00:43:01.204 Disgrace them. 619 00:43:07.668 --> 00:43:12.381 Degrade and humiliate them. 620 00:43:12.465 --> 00:43:14.842 Chop them up. 621 00:43:20.139 --> 00:43:22.683 OK. Yeah. 622 00:43:22.767 --> 00:43:25.269 OK, yeah, yeah, we can totally chop them up. 623 00:43:25.353 --> 00:43:29.607 But we promise to do so equally and uniformly. 624 00:43:29.690 --> 00:43:34.570 Do it differently every time. 625 00:43:34.654 --> 00:43:40.076 I want no rhyme or reason to the mutilation of my client. 626 00:43:40.159 --> 00:43:42.662 Put them in a Ziploc bag and have a hungover teen 627 00:43:42.745 --> 00:43:46.457 stomp on them in the break room. 628 00:43:56.050 --> 00:44:00.221 D-do you want us to include the cream filling? 629 00:44:01.514 --> 00:44:03.724 Sometimes. 630 00:44:10.273 --> 00:44:12.483 Why are you doing this? 631 00:44:16.320 --> 00:44:18.531 Because I can. 632 00:44:30.710 --> 00:44:33.212 Now, that exact same dialogue could be copy-paste applied 633 00:44:33.296 --> 00:44:37.550 to whoever represents Eugene Levy for commercial work. 634 00:44:48.978 --> 00:44:50.855 This is going to sound like something I made up. 635 00:44:50.938 --> 00:44:52.857 I'm not making this up. 636 00:44:52.940 --> 00:44:54.442 I went to my friend's wedding recently. 637 00:44:54.525 --> 00:44:55.985 It was a City Hall wedding. 638 00:44:56.068 --> 00:44:57.486 And I was wearing the most masculine thing 639 00:44:57.570 --> 00:45:01.699 I've worn since my first communion, pretty much. 640 00:45:01.782 --> 00:45:04.285 I was quite literally in a zoot suit. 641 00:45:06.954 --> 00:45:10.291 And as I'm wearing this zoot suit, 642 00:45:10.374 --> 00:45:12.126 I was like, there's something weirdly 643 00:45:12.210 --> 00:45:17.548 liberating about this, wearing this hyper masculine outfit. 644 00:45:17.632 --> 00:45:20.051 It felt like crashing into this wave 645 00:45:20.134 --> 00:45:24.222 that I'd been so avoiding my whole life. 646 00:45:24.305 --> 00:45:27.225 There was something kind of sexy about it, 647 00:45:27.308 --> 00:45:29.685 giving in to that, and saying-- I was like, you know what? 648 00:45:29.769 --> 00:45:32.313 Maybe I could do this more often. 649 00:45:32.396 --> 00:45:34.857 Maybe I'm just kind of limiting myself. 650 00:45:34.941 --> 00:45:36.609 I feel sexy. 651 00:45:36.692 --> 00:45:39.320 I feel alive right now. This is really interesting. 652 00:45:39.403 --> 00:45:41.989 Right as I was feeling that, 653 00:45:42.073 --> 00:45:44.825 an older woman walks by, points at me, and goes, 654 00:45:44.909 --> 00:45:47.453 Frances McDormand? 655 00:45:58.756 --> 00:46:01.968 This wasn't, like, a hip young woman having some fun with me. 656 00:46:02.051 --> 00:46:03.803 This was a woman old enough to be 657 00:46:03.886 --> 00:46:08.140 named Priscilla, 658 00:46:08.224 --> 00:46:12.645 who was sure enough that I was Frances McDor-- 659 00:46:15.523 --> 00:46:19.902 Right as I was on the cusp of a sexual Renaissance 660 00:46:19.986 --> 00:46:22.697 in a Suge Knight zoot suit. 661 00:46:28.869 --> 00:46:31.664 If you're going to go around with your finger 662 00:46:31.747 --> 00:46:34.959 on the trigger, 663 00:46:35.042 --> 00:46:39.046 diagnosing people as Frances McDormand... 664 00:46:42.883 --> 00:46:45.052 Don't shoot until you see their Oscar 665 00:46:45.136 --> 00:46:48.472 for "Three Billboards" over somewhere in Missouri. 666 00:46:52.351 --> 00:46:54.854 If you're playing some kind of "Pokémon Go" version of, 667 00:46:54.937 --> 00:46:56.564 but finding-- 668 00:46:56.647 --> 00:46:59.692 if you're playing Frances McDormand Go out in the world. 669 00:47:03.779 --> 00:47:06.032 She goes, Frances McDormand? 670 00:47:06.115 --> 00:47:08.617 I go, no. 671 00:47:13.873 --> 00:47:15.458 And she goes, oh. 672 00:47:18.252 --> 00:47:19.879 Frances McDormand was my age 673 00:47:19.962 --> 00:47:21.839 right now when she shot "Fargo." 674 00:47:21.922 --> 00:47:22.840 She didn't say, 675 00:47:22.923 --> 00:47:25.217 Frances McDormand when she shot "Fargo"? 676 00:47:27.636 --> 00:47:31.599 The parenthetical was 81-year-old Frances McDormand. 677 00:47:37.021 --> 00:47:39.732 And as pissed as I was, what made me even more irate 678 00:47:39.815 --> 00:47:42.443 was the glee this brought my friends. 679 00:47:45.196 --> 00:47:46.822 The way they were standing, soaking it up, 680 00:47:46.906 --> 00:47:48.783 it was almost like they were at an energy healing. 681 00:47:48.866 --> 00:47:51.452 It was like palms open. 682 00:47:56.665 --> 00:47:58.626 Frances McDormand-- see, that's a name 683 00:47:58.709 --> 00:48:00.961 that just was destined for stardom. 684 00:48:01.045 --> 00:48:03.381 Some names just work. 685 00:48:03.464 --> 00:48:07.593 A name needs to be as un-efforted as a sneeze. 686 00:48:07.676 --> 00:48:10.221 Tracy Chapman. 687 00:48:10.304 --> 00:48:13.224 Boulder, Colorado. 688 00:48:13.307 --> 00:48:15.267 Jigglypuff, Wigglytuff. 689 00:48:15.351 --> 00:48:19.146 I'm not even trying right now. 690 00:48:19.230 --> 00:48:23.526 Conversely, some names, they just don't work. 691 00:48:23.609 --> 00:48:27.738 The new president of my college keeps mass emailing me. 692 00:48:27.822 --> 00:48:30.699 And... 693 00:48:30.783 --> 00:48:34.662 I'm sorry, but his name just doesn't work. 694 00:48:40.251 --> 00:48:42.962 Marc. 695 00:48:49.844 --> 00:48:52.430 C. 696 00:48:54.765 --> 00:48:59.186 Conner. 697 00:48:59.270 --> 00:49:02.648 If I have to take a Gatorade break between your first name 698 00:49:02.731 --> 00:49:06.986 and middle initial, 699 00:49:07.069 --> 00:49:08.988 then we've got to take this thing back 700 00:49:09.071 --> 00:49:12.867 to corporate offices. 701 00:49:12.950 --> 00:49:15.828 Saying Marc C., 702 00:49:15.911 --> 00:49:18.122 it feels the vocal equivalent of doing this. 703 00:49:26.130 --> 00:49:28.757 I feel that in my belly button. 704 00:49:33.971 --> 00:49:36.432 It feels like doing burpees up a hill. 705 00:49:36.515 --> 00:49:39.602 Marc! 706 00:49:47.902 --> 00:49:50.196 C. 707 00:49:50.279 --> 00:49:54.158 Oh! 708 00:49:54.241 --> 00:49:58.162 Come on. You got this, buddy. 709 00:49:58.245 --> 00:50:00.915 Who are you? 710 00:50:03.042 --> 00:50:04.460 I live across the street. 711 00:50:04.543 --> 00:50:07.171 I saw you doing burpees up the hill. 712 00:50:07.254 --> 00:50:10.466 You got this. You got this, bud. 713 00:50:10.549 --> 00:50:12.968 Conner! 714 00:50:13.052 --> 00:50:14.845 I want to be the Justin Timberlake 715 00:50:14.929 --> 00:50:17.932 in "The Social Network" for Mark C. Conner. 716 00:50:20.392 --> 00:50:22.228 I want to take him out for sushi, 717 00:50:22.311 --> 00:50:24.897 dazzle him over appletinis, and then, on my way out, 718 00:50:24.980 --> 00:50:28.442 be like, oh, and hey, Marc, one more thing. 719 00:50:28.526 --> 00:50:30.444 Drop the C. 720 00:50:34.031 --> 00:50:37.910 Trent Reznor, a Trent Reznor, a Trent Reznor. 721 00:50:40.329 --> 00:50:42.748 Look, Marc, Marc, 722 00:50:42.831 --> 00:50:44.875 if the C means so goddamn much to you, 723 00:50:44.959 --> 00:50:47.169 drop the Marc and the Conner and just go by C. 724 00:50:52.675 --> 00:50:56.637 This guy starts going by C. 725 00:51:08.148 --> 00:51:12.027 I'm sending him my panties. 726 00:51:18.993 --> 00:51:21.495 Yeah, I bet you've never seen Seth Meyers 727 00:51:21.579 --> 00:51:23.998 do this kind of mic play. 728 00:51:29.211 --> 00:51:33.215 Lorne Michaels would put one in my leg if he saw this. 729 00:51:40.681 --> 00:51:42.516 In my dressing room all day, 730 00:51:42.600 --> 00:51:45.311 just don't talk about Seth Meyers. 731 00:51:50.024 --> 00:51:52.901 Just get through the night without talking about-- 732 00:51:56.113 --> 00:51:58.324 This guy starts going by C., 733 00:51:58.407 --> 00:52:01.660 we're going to see him popping up on tour with Killer Mike. 734 00:52:03.996 --> 00:52:08.417 Come November, he's just going to be in the back, 735 00:52:08.500 --> 00:52:11.587 doing the cleanest C. walk. 736 00:52:16.258 --> 00:52:19.470 Were you worried about me when I went down on the stool? 737 00:52:19.553 --> 00:52:21.639 A little. The impact was hard. 738 00:52:21.722 --> 00:52:23.182 Don't worry. 739 00:52:23.265 --> 00:52:25.476 The community has always been very concerned about me. 740 00:52:25.559 --> 00:52:27.311 This is a good anecdote about that. 741 00:52:27.394 --> 00:52:28.771 OK. 742 00:52:28.854 --> 00:52:31.023 I was in sixth grade, end of the year lake party, 743 00:52:31.106 --> 00:52:33.317 hosted by the coolest girl in my grade. 744 00:52:33.400 --> 00:52:35.277 Now, she had an older brother in eighth grade 745 00:52:35.361 --> 00:52:38.155 who was a known psychopath in the community. 746 00:52:38.238 --> 00:52:39.657 He famously spent a brief stint 747 00:52:39.740 --> 00:52:41.867 in a juvenile correctional center for beating up 748 00:52:41.950 --> 00:52:44.495 an adult security guard. 749 00:52:44.578 --> 00:52:46.747 Lake kids in Central Massachusetts 750 00:52:46.830 --> 00:52:48.874 are not fucking around. 751 00:52:48.957 --> 00:52:51.710 OK, so I get to the end of the year lake party. 752 00:52:51.794 --> 00:52:54.838 And he, the brother, is on the dock. 753 00:52:54.922 --> 00:52:58.300 And he is throwing my peers one by one into the lake. 754 00:53:04.640 --> 00:53:06.100 Almost like a carnival attraction. 755 00:53:06.183 --> 00:53:07.976 They're all lined up. 756 00:53:08.060 --> 00:53:09.561 I'm like, hell, yeah, this looks great. 757 00:53:09.645 --> 00:53:11.105 I line up. 758 00:53:17.486 --> 00:53:19.780 It gets to my turn. He stops. 759 00:53:19.863 --> 00:53:21.240 He looks down at me. 760 00:53:21.323 --> 00:53:23.617 He goes, 761 00:53:23.701 --> 00:53:26.662 Chris, are you sure you want this? 762 00:53:35.504 --> 00:53:38.757 First of all, I didn't know you spoke. 763 00:53:41.802 --> 00:53:46.223 Second of all, what are you picking up on in me 764 00:53:46.306 --> 00:53:50.394 that is stirring, and until now dormant, empathy? 765 00:53:52.771 --> 00:53:55.607 Throw me in the lake! 766 00:53:57.192 --> 00:54:01.113 No, Chris, I cannot, in good faith, throw you in the lake. 767 00:54:04.700 --> 00:54:06.160 I just saw you throw a fourth grader 768 00:54:06.243 --> 00:54:09.413 in her street Delia's 40 feet into the air. 769 00:54:09.496 --> 00:54:12.541 Throw me in the drink. 770 00:54:14.585 --> 00:54:18.380 Hey, what's the hold up? 771 00:54:18.464 --> 00:54:19.673 I don't know. 772 00:54:19.757 --> 00:54:24.803 He sees something in me that he deems unthrowable. 773 00:54:24.887 --> 00:54:27.514 Yeah, I could see that. 774 00:54:30.350 --> 00:54:33.812 I don't really have the language for it yet. 775 00:54:38.275 --> 00:54:43.197 But I bet there's a term in German or Japanese for it, 776 00:54:43.280 --> 00:54:46.950 like a paragraph. 777 00:54:47.034 --> 00:54:49.495 OK, Chris, here's what we're going to do. 778 00:54:49.578 --> 00:54:52.414 I'm going to hold you around the waist. 779 00:54:52.498 --> 00:54:54.082 And we're going to count down from three, 780 00:54:54.166 --> 00:54:58.921 and then you're going to throw yourself 781 00:54:59.004 --> 00:55:01.423 into the lake. 782 00:55:01.507 --> 00:55:04.301 Oh, like staged combat? 783 00:55:07.262 --> 00:55:10.307 I came here to get away from the theater! 784 00:55:12.267 --> 00:55:15.354 Fade to black, executive producer, Mike Birbiglia. 785 00:55:21.318 --> 00:55:25.030 Mike Birbiglia, Jesus Christ. 786 00:55:25.113 --> 00:55:27.449 That guy looks like a father and son Freaky Fridayed 787 00:55:27.533 --> 00:55:29.409 into the same body. 788 00:55:29.493 --> 00:55:30.702 My God! 789 00:55:37.835 --> 00:55:41.755 He looks like he sells Wordle spoilers to the FBI. 790 00:55:41.839 --> 00:55:43.715 Come on! 791 00:55:47.803 --> 00:55:50.013 You know, we were talking Marc C. Conner earlier. 792 00:55:50.097 --> 00:55:52.224 I went to school-- he's the president of Skidmore. 793 00:55:52.307 --> 00:55:54.643 I went to college there. 794 00:55:54.726 --> 00:55:56.228 The last vacation-- first of all, 795 00:55:56.311 --> 00:55:57.896 I don't believe in vacations. 796 00:55:57.980 --> 00:56:00.107 I think vacations are for children and Dua Lipa. 797 00:56:00.190 --> 00:56:04.945 And the last vacation I took was 2017. 798 00:56:05.028 --> 00:56:08.991 And I overdrew my bank account in a luxury hat store. 799 00:56:17.875 --> 00:56:21.420 The hat store was in Saratoga Springs, 800 00:56:21.503 --> 00:56:24.131 New York, which is like-- it's like a horse racing town. 801 00:56:24.214 --> 00:56:26.049 So we're talking sinister wealth. 802 00:56:26.133 --> 00:56:28.802 Just, ha ha ha ha. 803 00:56:28.886 --> 00:56:31.513 Me and my guy friends, we're nostalgia freaks. 804 00:56:31.597 --> 00:56:33.390 So we went back to-- and someone told me recently 805 00:56:33.473 --> 00:56:34.892 that nostalgia used to be considered 806 00:56:34.975 --> 00:56:37.394 like a pretty serious mental illness 807 00:56:37.477 --> 00:56:38.812 back in the pioneer days. 808 00:56:38.896 --> 00:56:40.147 Like, you could even be quarantined for showing 809 00:56:40.230 --> 00:56:41.899 signs of nostalgia. 810 00:56:41.982 --> 00:56:44.860 So if you were like, ah. 811 00:56:54.244 --> 00:56:56.830 I miss Christmas time. 812 00:57:00.292 --> 00:57:02.711 Get away from her, boys. 813 00:57:02.794 --> 00:57:05.547 She aren't well, sons. 814 00:57:05.631 --> 00:57:07.299 Why, Daddy? Be it typhus? 815 00:57:07.382 --> 00:57:09.092 No, no, no, no. 816 00:57:09.176 --> 00:57:12.596 It not be typhus. 817 00:57:12.679 --> 00:57:15.182 It be the nostalgia. 818 00:57:15.265 --> 00:57:16.808 Listen to me, sons. 819 00:57:16.892 --> 00:57:19.478 If you ever see your papa after a couple of whiskeys, 820 00:57:19.561 --> 00:57:22.022 lighting a candle and going backwards in time 821 00:57:22.105 --> 00:57:27.402 in me Facebook photos, 822 00:57:27.486 --> 00:57:32.366 while listening to the Animal Collective 823 00:57:32.449 --> 00:57:35.827 or the Passion Pit, 824 00:57:35.911 --> 00:57:37.412 do me a favor, sons. 825 00:57:37.496 --> 00:57:41.833 Kill me like you would a chicken or a "mosquitee." 826 00:57:41.917 --> 00:57:45.420 Hurt your papa permanently, boys. 827 00:57:45.504 --> 00:57:48.924 That seems a little extreme, doesn't it, Daddy? 828 00:57:49.007 --> 00:57:50.884 No. You want to know extreme? 829 00:57:50.968 --> 00:57:56.765 Longing for a Girl Talk concert that happened in 2008. 830 00:57:56.848 --> 00:58:01.228 That was just him holding two boomboxes! 831 00:58:01.311 --> 00:58:03.480 OK, so... 832 00:58:06.942 --> 00:58:10.654 The hat store in which I overdrew my bank account 833 00:58:10.737 --> 00:58:14.282 was a place called Hatsational. 834 00:58:14.366 --> 00:58:17.327 There is such high demand for luxury headwear 835 00:58:17.411 --> 00:58:21.248 in Saratoga Springs, New York, that there are two Hatsationals 836 00:58:21.331 --> 00:58:23.959 0.1 miles from each other. 837 00:58:24.042 --> 00:58:26.253 Something you've got to know about Hatsational, 838 00:58:26.336 --> 00:58:30.424 time doesn't flow there the way you and I 839 00:58:30.507 --> 00:58:32.968 are used to time flowing. 840 00:58:33.051 --> 00:58:37.597 It's ruled over by a 14-year-old boy. 841 00:58:37.681 --> 00:58:40.267 And he claims status. 842 00:58:40.350 --> 00:58:42.019 He is decked out in formalwear. 843 00:58:42.102 --> 00:58:43.979 And I'm not talking black tie formal. 844 00:58:44.062 --> 00:58:47.149 I'm talking jazz-age tycoon formal. 845 00:58:49.735 --> 00:58:52.529 And he's very-- he's quiet, but not because he's shy, 846 00:58:52.612 --> 00:58:55.282 because he doesn't respect you enough 847 00:58:55.365 --> 00:58:58.285 to raise the volume of his voice. 848 00:59:03.165 --> 00:59:04.332 I'm sorry. What was that? 849 00:59:04.416 --> 00:59:06.668 I mean, of course, you didn't hear me. 850 00:59:10.672 --> 00:59:12.466 There are older women who work there, too, 851 00:59:12.549 --> 00:59:16.344 but they all defer to this imp in a derby. 852 00:59:16.428 --> 00:59:19.222 The age play is very Miyazaki. 853 00:59:24.811 --> 00:59:26.730 And they're all high on their own supply, 854 00:59:26.813 --> 00:59:30.317 meaning they are wearing the hats-- 855 00:59:30.400 --> 00:59:33.361 full body fascinators. 856 00:59:35.697 --> 00:59:37.741 The only thing tethering him to the modern age 857 00:59:37.824 --> 00:59:42.579 is he's got top and bottom bunk braces. 858 00:59:42.662 --> 00:59:45.832 We made the mistake of trying to make him feel comfortable, 859 00:59:45.916 --> 00:59:48.919 because we're well into our 30's, and he's a tween, 860 00:59:49.002 --> 00:59:51.171 but what we fail to take into consideration 861 00:59:51.254 --> 00:59:53.715 is what unlimited access to luxury headwear 862 00:59:53.799 --> 00:59:57.761 does to the tween age ego. 863 00:59:57.844 --> 01:00:00.597 I don't think we've seen anything like it in the West. 864 01:00:03.350 --> 01:00:05.477 I think the closest comparison might be in Tibet 865 01:00:05.560 --> 01:00:10.357 when the Dalai Lama is selected as a boy, 866 01:00:10.440 --> 01:00:12.317 what that would do to pump up the ego. 867 01:00:12.400 --> 01:00:15.112 It seems like he's always been there, 868 01:00:15.195 --> 01:00:19.157 like he failed some sorcerer's test in the '20s. 869 01:00:19.241 --> 01:00:21.284 He had eyes that had seen Prussia. 870 01:00:21.368 --> 01:00:23.453 Like, he's-- 871 01:00:25.539 --> 01:00:27.499 It seems like he was just cursed to work 872 01:00:27.582 --> 01:00:29.292 between both Hatsationals. 873 01:00:29.376 --> 01:00:31.044 You could go into one Hatsational, 874 01:00:31.128 --> 01:00:32.462 and he's there in a derby. 875 01:00:32.546 --> 01:00:34.339 And you could sprint to the other one. 876 01:00:34.422 --> 01:00:38.093 And he's-- I mean, of course. 877 01:00:38.176 --> 01:00:40.512 Of course, I'm here, too. 878 01:00:40.595 --> 01:00:43.306 Where do you think I would be? 879 01:00:43.390 --> 01:00:45.559 He's in, like, a vertical fedora, 880 01:00:45.642 --> 01:00:48.061 looking like Hannibal Lecter 881 01:00:48.145 --> 01:00:50.772 when they find him in Costa Rica. 882 01:00:50.856 --> 01:00:51.857 Mm. 883 01:00:55.152 --> 01:00:57.154 Another thing you got to know about Hatsational, 884 01:00:57.237 --> 01:00:58.655 it's price prohibitive. 885 01:00:58.738 --> 01:01:00.407 You go to try on the hats. 886 01:01:00.490 --> 01:01:02.951 You do not buy the hats. 887 01:01:03.034 --> 01:01:06.454 So me and my guy friends were trying on the hats. 888 01:01:06.538 --> 01:01:08.081 I'm being very encouraging. 889 01:01:08.165 --> 01:01:10.208 Oh, my God, Jerry, you look amazing in that hat. 890 01:01:10.292 --> 01:01:13.211 Buck, you look so French in that hat. 891 01:01:13.295 --> 01:01:18.675 The tween is guarding, like, the best hats 892 01:01:18.758 --> 01:01:20.594 for, like, poachers and war criminals, 893 01:01:20.677 --> 01:01:23.638 and just the generally indecent. 894 01:01:23.722 --> 01:01:26.975 And God forbid one of us tries on a hat the wrong way. 895 01:01:27.058 --> 01:01:29.477 He is beside himself. 896 01:01:36.193 --> 01:01:37.277 We have our fun. 897 01:01:37.360 --> 01:01:38.778 I'm like, let's get out of here. 898 01:01:38.862 --> 01:01:39.988 OK. I'm like, thank you so much. 899 01:01:40.071 --> 01:01:41.281 I'm the spokesperson, of course. 900 01:01:41.364 --> 01:01:43.408 Thank you so much. 901 01:01:43.491 --> 01:01:46.036 We've had such a great time trying on your hats. 902 01:01:46.119 --> 01:01:48.163 Thank you. We'll be back. 903 01:01:48.246 --> 01:01:51.791 As I'm walking out, I hear him turn to the old ladies, 904 01:01:51.875 --> 01:01:56.004 and he goes, I knew they were be-backers. 905 01:02:01.801 --> 01:02:05.513 I'm sorry. What the fuck did you just say? 906 01:02:05.597 --> 01:02:06.765 I said I knew you were be-backers. 907 01:02:06.848 --> 01:02:08.433 And what's a be-backer? 908 01:02:08.516 --> 01:02:09.851 Somebody who comes in and tries on a bunch of hats, 909 01:02:09.935 --> 01:02:11.061 says they're going to come back, 910 01:02:11.144 --> 01:02:13.104 and they never do come back. 911 01:02:23.031 --> 01:02:26.743 Oh, you think we're be-backers? 912 01:02:26.826 --> 01:02:29.037 Chris, let's get out of here, man. 913 01:02:35.085 --> 01:02:39.256 I'm not going to let this little art deco bastard... 914 01:02:42.842 --> 01:02:45.387 This he-flapper... 915 01:02:51.309 --> 01:02:54.521 Slander my squad. 916 01:02:58.942 --> 01:03:04.239 I'm not going to let this prepubescent West-Egg biatch... 917 01:03:08.827 --> 01:03:12.831 Call me and three of the finest guys I know 918 01:03:12.914 --> 01:03:15.709 be-backers, 919 01:03:15.792 --> 01:03:19.379 a term I'm hearing for the first time. 920 01:03:22.048 --> 01:03:27.762 A term that bears no cultural weight, 921 01:03:27.846 --> 01:03:31.016 a term born out of the twisted, demented minds 922 01:03:31.099 --> 01:03:35.103 of these jazz-age retail charlatans. 923 01:03:37.522 --> 01:03:40.400 I'm going to prove to him that we are not be-back-- 924 01:03:40.483 --> 01:03:44.654 nah, Chris, man, you've had a lot of ciders. 925 01:03:44.738 --> 01:03:46.823 No, I haven't. 926 01:03:48.742 --> 01:03:51.328 I haven't had a lot of ciders. 927 01:03:56.166 --> 01:03:58.001 Hey, son. 928 01:04:00.920 --> 01:04:02.213 How much for that hat right there? 929 01:04:02.297 --> 01:04:03.757 Yeah, Jerry, you like that hat, right? 930 01:04:03.840 --> 01:04:07.552 Oh, no, Chris, not enough to buy it, man. 931 01:04:07.635 --> 01:04:08.636 How much is that? 932 01:04:08.720 --> 01:04:11.639 It's $120. Why? 933 01:04:11.723 --> 01:04:13.183 Put it in the bag. 934 01:04:13.266 --> 01:04:16.353 Nah, come-- nah. 935 01:04:16.436 --> 01:04:17.771 Buck, you like that hat, right? 936 01:04:17.854 --> 01:04:19.856 Well, yeah, I think I looked pretty French in that hat. 937 01:04:19.939 --> 01:04:21.316 OK. Yeah, put that one in. 938 01:04:21.399 --> 01:04:22.859 And Rory, you liked that one? 939 01:04:22.942 --> 01:04:24.069 Oh, yeah, I think I look like Rod Stewart 940 01:04:24.152 --> 01:04:25.111 in the 1980s in that hat. 941 01:04:25.195 --> 01:04:26.821 Yeah, you didn't, but, yeah, put that in. 942 01:04:26.905 --> 01:04:28.156 That's fine. 943 01:04:28.239 --> 01:04:30.283 And whatever bullshit I was wearing. 944 01:04:30.367 --> 01:04:31.451 And how much is all that? 945 01:04:31.534 --> 01:04:34.746 It's $560. 946 01:04:50.512 --> 01:04:53.306 Are we still be-backers? 947 01:04:53.390 --> 01:04:56.226 I don't know. I don't even-- 948 01:04:56.309 --> 01:05:00.146 That's what I thought, motherfucker. 949 01:05:01.606 --> 01:05:04.484 You've overdrawn your bank account. 950 01:05:06.736 --> 01:05:11.157 Now, I know you're thinking, Chris, guy friends? 951 01:05:14.994 --> 01:05:16.329 Yeah. What are they, Funko pops? 952 01:05:16.413 --> 01:05:19.499 Yeah, show us the guy friends. 953 01:05:19.582 --> 01:05:20.875 Chris, none of this adds up. 954 01:05:20.959 --> 01:05:23.336 OK, well, you know. 955 01:05:43.148 --> 01:05:44.399 Look at the regret. 956 01:05:44.482 --> 01:05:47.402 Look at the regret on these faces. 957 01:05:52.365 --> 01:05:56.911 Look at this tragic polycule. 958 01:05:56.995 --> 01:06:00.540 You walk into a bar and you see these three guys on a stage 959 01:06:00.623 --> 01:06:03.126 putting gear back into guitar cases, 960 01:06:03.209 --> 01:06:05.670 you go, thank God we missed that. 961 01:06:05.753 --> 01:06:08.590 Thank God we missed 962 01:06:08.673 --> 01:06:12.927 that two-hour acoustic cover of "Uptown Funk." 963 01:06:16.973 --> 01:06:18.975 We had a pretty rough conversation recently 964 01:06:19.058 --> 01:06:22.687 where we all admitted to having never worn these hats... 965 01:06:26.649 --> 01:06:30.945 Ever again. 966 01:06:31.029 --> 01:06:32.780 And I can feel what you're thinking. 967 01:06:32.864 --> 01:06:35.241 OK, so the guy friends, 968 01:06:35.325 --> 01:06:37.952 OK, they check out. 969 01:06:38.036 --> 01:06:41.039 But the evil teen? Chris, come on. 970 01:06:41.122 --> 01:06:44.417 That's one of your hyperbolic delusions. 971 01:06:44.501 --> 01:06:47.045 You think I'm not going to bring receipts? 972 01:06:50.882 --> 01:06:53.635 Who do you think I am? 973 01:06:54.385 --> 01:06:57.305 Who the fuck do you think I am? 974 01:06:58.723 --> 01:07:02.393 You think this is a game to me? 975 01:07:02.477 --> 01:07:06.731 You think I don't take this job seriously? 976 01:07:06.814 --> 01:07:11.152 You think this is a fucking game to me? 977 01:07:11.236 --> 01:07:13.112 You think I'm not going to bring receipts 978 01:07:13.196 --> 01:07:15.907 to Chicago, Illinois? 979 01:07:18.993 --> 01:07:22.038 I'm going to tell you something that you know somatically, 980 01:07:22.121 --> 01:07:25.083 if not intellectually. 981 01:07:25.166 --> 01:07:27.210 He's older than them. 982 01:07:38.471 --> 01:07:41.224 These three are by no means good people. 983 01:07:45.311 --> 01:07:48.898 They've done things that would make your blood run cold. 984 01:07:51.901 --> 01:07:54.654 But next to this ancient demon... 985 01:07:58.992 --> 01:08:01.703 Why, they're Greta Thunberg. 986 01:08:09.794 --> 01:08:12.797 Look how tight he's holding him. 987 01:08:15.967 --> 01:08:20.470 Trying to hold him back. 988 01:08:20.555 --> 01:08:24.392 And he's smiling because he knows he can break free. 989 01:08:29.689 --> 01:08:33.192 Get him out of here. 990 01:08:39.198 --> 01:08:42.410 What do you mean, the cameras weren't on? 991 01:08:49.292 --> 01:08:51.961 Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. 992 01:08:54.464 --> 01:08:55.965 You ever get the boot on your car? 993 01:08:56.049 --> 01:08:58.468 Oh, my God. I love the boot. 994 01:08:58.551 --> 01:08:59.886 It's what you get when you've been parked somewhere 995 01:08:59.969 --> 01:09:03.055 for an insane amount of time. 996 01:09:03.139 --> 01:09:04.432 It's humiliating. 997 01:09:04.515 --> 01:09:06.768 It's like a dunce cap for your car. 998 01:09:06.850 --> 01:09:08.227 And people have no dignity when they 999 01:09:08.310 --> 01:09:09.854 see a car with the boot on it. 1000 01:09:09.937 --> 01:09:13.858 Like, librarians will be like, oh, shit! 1001 01:09:13.941 --> 01:09:16.569 Oh! 1002 01:09:16.653 --> 01:09:19.072 He got the boot! 1003 01:09:21.783 --> 01:09:24.285 Jesus Christ! 1004 01:09:24.368 --> 01:09:27.747 Are you doing the crip walk right now? 1005 01:09:27.830 --> 01:09:31.709 What I like about the boot is it's the last element 1006 01:09:31.792 --> 01:09:35.630 of modern law that feels like the wrath of a sorcerer, 1007 01:09:35.712 --> 01:09:37.631 you know? 1008 01:09:54.649 --> 01:09:58.277 You've been parked there too long! 1009 01:10:00.822 --> 01:10:04.701 Now you must stay there! 1010 01:10:25.179 --> 01:10:27.390 You've been a wonderful crowd. Let's end on a song. 1011 01:10:27.473 --> 01:10:31.060 Thank you so much. 1012 01:10:31.144 --> 01:10:32.729 Let's get some dramatic lights. 1013 01:10:32.812 --> 01:10:34.439 Thank you. 1014 01:10:56.711 --> 01:11:02.592 Sometimes I think I miss the point of things 1015 01:11:02.675 --> 01:11:06.888 Like one time in a haunted house 1016 01:11:06.971 --> 01:11:10.141 What scared me the most 1017 01:11:10.224 --> 01:11:13.269 Made no sense at all 1018 01:11:13.352 --> 01:11:15.855 Don't get me wrong 1019 01:11:15.938 --> 01:11:19.734 I was in shambles the whole time 1020 01:11:19.817 --> 01:11:22.445 You walk in single file 1021 01:11:22.528 --> 01:11:25.656 And things pop out at you 1022 01:11:25.740 --> 01:11:27.533 Demons with chainsaws 1023 01:11:27.617 --> 01:11:28.826 And goat people 1024 01:11:28.910 --> 01:11:30.077 Topless clowns 1025 01:11:30.161 --> 01:11:31.621 Escaped convicts asking for your help 1026 01:11:31.704 --> 01:11:33.372 I'm barely getting through it 1027 01:11:33.456 --> 01:11:35.500 I'm saying, no, please no 1028 01:11:35.583 --> 01:11:39.504 But the thing that makes me scream uncontrollably 1029 01:11:39.587 --> 01:11:40.630 Oh, my God! 1030 01:11:40.713 --> 01:11:43.257 What makes my legs give out 1031 01:11:43.341 --> 01:11:45.718 It's not a ghoul or a goblin 1032 01:11:45.802 --> 01:11:48.638 No, it's another patron 1033 01:11:48.721 --> 01:11:50.515 A young professional 1034 01:11:50.598 --> 01:11:52.016 I don't know why 1035 01:11:52.099 --> 01:11:54.894 In a tasteful Madewell outfit 1036 01:11:54.977 --> 01:11:56.813 She wasn't dressed eccentrically 1037 01:11:56.896 --> 01:11:58.189 This was no goth 1038 01:11:58.272 --> 01:12:00.566 This was a cousin 1039 01:12:00.650 --> 01:12:03.778 And for some reason, after seeing all that spooky shit 1040 01:12:03.861 --> 01:12:06.447 The sight of this 28-year-old civilian 1041 01:12:06.531 --> 01:12:08.866 Doing nothing weird at all 1042 01:12:08.950 --> 01:12:10.618 Hit me in my horror g-spot 1043 01:12:10.701 --> 01:12:12.370 And I hit the ground screaming 1044 01:12:12.453 --> 01:12:13.663 And I said, I'm sorry 1045 01:12:13.746 --> 01:12:15.957 I don't know why I'm having this reaction 1046 01:12:16.040 --> 01:12:20.002 To alleviate my terror, she starts waving 1047 01:12:20.086 --> 01:12:24.674 Which only makes me scream louder 1048 01:12:26.133 --> 01:12:28.052 So now I'm Shelley Duvall screaming 1049 01:12:28.135 --> 01:12:30.096 At this woman who's waving at me 1050 01:12:30.179 --> 01:12:34.976 Like a mayor on a parade float 1051 01:12:35.059 --> 01:12:38.271 While the scare actors are looking in confusion 1052 01:12:38.354 --> 01:12:40.731 Wondering why they're being upstaged by this person 1053 01:12:40.815 --> 01:12:45.403 So benign that she'd fit seamlessly into the 1054 01:12:45.486 --> 01:12:51.367 Regal Cinemas 1055 01:12:51.450 --> 01:12:56.414 Preshow Presentation 1056 01:12:58.207 --> 01:13:03.629 And what sucks for her is she's right behind me in line 1057 01:13:03.713 --> 01:13:08.384 So she's seen all the other freaky shit 1058 01:13:08.467 --> 01:13:13.139 That I've not reacted this way to 1059 01:13:13.222 --> 01:13:17.393 Like an Old Cockney strapped on a mattress 1060 01:13:17.476 --> 01:13:21.022 A little boy wearing a dog mask 1061 01:13:21.105 --> 01:13:23.149 Saying "Jerry Maguire" lines 1062 01:13:24.358 --> 01:13:27.194 I wish I had the words to tell her that I'm 1063 01:13:27.278 --> 01:13:30.072 Just an Irish Catholic 1064 01:13:30.156 --> 01:13:33.618 Who doesn't let their screams out nearly enough 1065 01:13:33.701 --> 01:13:34.702 I'm all lit up 1066 01:13:34.785 --> 01:13:36.829 For example, in 2014 1067 01:13:36.913 --> 01:13:38.414 I was throwing up so loud 1068 01:13:38.497 --> 01:13:40.166 That my partner called my mom 1069 01:13:40.249 --> 01:13:42.460 And said, is this normal? 1070 01:13:42.543 --> 01:13:43.669 And my mom said, yes 1071 01:13:43.753 --> 01:13:47.340 Chris is a very performative vomiter 1072 01:13:47.423 --> 01:13:49.884 The fact that I was most terrified 1073 01:13:49.967 --> 01:13:52.637 Of another patron actually puts 1074 01:13:52.720 --> 01:13:56.390 Quite a modern horror spin on the whole haunted house 1075 01:13:56.474 --> 01:13:59.101 Where all the patrons are looking and going 1076 01:13:59.185 --> 01:14:03.147 Wait, are we the monster? 1077 01:14:03.230 --> 01:14:05.650 I hate that shit 1078 01:14:05.733 --> 01:14:07.193 You know how in modern horror movies 1079 01:14:07.276 --> 01:14:09.278 The whole thing'll be like a little bushy guy 1080 01:14:09.362 --> 01:14:10.738 Eee! 1081 01:14:10.821 --> 01:14:14.575 But they're like, no, it's about seasonal allergies 1082 01:14:14.659 --> 01:14:17.453 Fuck off! 1083 01:14:17.536 --> 01:14:22.041 Don't tell me "Hereditary" 1084 01:14:22.124 --> 01:14:26.003 Is about motherhood 1085 01:14:26.087 --> 01:14:30.800 It's about how scary a group of naked adults are 1086 01:14:30.883 --> 01:14:33.719 In fluorescent lights 1087 01:14:35.096 --> 01:14:37.473 Thank you, Chicago. 1088 01:14:39.475 --> 01:14:42.103 Thank you so much.