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[TV static drones]

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Downloaded from
YTS.BZ

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[bright tone]

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[cheers and applause]

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.BZ

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[FM-84's
"Running in the Night"]

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- ♪ I'm running in the night
so soon ♪

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00:00:27,611 --> 00:00:30,864
♪ I've got nothing
left to lose ♪

9
00:00:30,948 --> 00:00:34,868
♪ I'm leaving it all behind ♪

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00:00:34,952 --> 00:00:38,914
♪ Running in the night
with you ♪

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00:00:38,997 --> 00:00:41,458
♪ I won't let you
get away again ♪

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00:00:41,500 --> 00:00:44,628
♪ We can see it through
to the end ♪

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00:00:44,670 --> 00:00:46,964
- Chicago!

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00:00:47,005 --> 00:00:48,966
[cheers and applause]

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00:00:49,007 --> 00:00:52,010
- ♪ I'm running in the night
with you ♪

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00:00:52,094 --> 00:00:54,680
- Thank you very much.

17
00:00:58,392 --> 00:00:59,893
We're shooting
a special tonight.

18
00:00:59,977 --> 00:01:01,770
I'm trying to grow my
fan base beyond women

19
00:01:01,853 --> 00:01:04,690
who brought a knife to prom.

20
00:01:09,027 --> 00:01:11,113
I live in Los Angeles now,
even though everyone thinks

21
00:01:11,196 --> 00:01:14,533
I live in a cider mill
in Rhode Island.

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00:01:14,616 --> 00:01:17,452
Everyone thinks I live in
a she shed in Night Country.

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00:01:17,536 --> 00:01:19,830
But I live in LA now.

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00:01:19,871 --> 00:01:21,539
Within a week of moving to LA,

25
00:01:21,623 --> 00:01:24,543
I immediately got
a jaywalking ticket.

26
00:01:24,626 --> 00:01:26,545
And the direct quote
from the cop was,

27
00:01:26,628 --> 00:01:29,506
"You're walking around
all animated."

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00:01:32,676 --> 00:01:33,594
Which was true.

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00:01:33,676 --> 00:01:36,638
At this point in my life,

30
00:01:36,722 --> 00:01:41,768
I was doing a lot
of fanciful street dressage.

31
00:01:41,852 --> 00:01:44,104
But I was shy.

32
00:01:46,982 --> 00:01:49,818
So I had a little
Paul Dano smile on.

33
00:01:54,698 --> 00:01:57,326
You know how Dano's got
that big face, tiny smile

34
00:01:57,408 --> 00:02:00,537
that A24 goes nuts over.

35
00:02:03,123 --> 00:02:04,958
I wish that someone had
told me that a small smile

36
00:02:05,042 --> 00:02:09,545
is worse than no smile at all.

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00:02:09,588 --> 00:02:13,550
[strange laughter]

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00:02:13,592 --> 00:02:17,471
We need to get them out
of here immediately.

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00:02:19,014 --> 00:02:23,894
I said no carnival clowns
tonight only.

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A Ferris wheel has been
left unattended tonight,

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00:02:28,607 --> 00:02:32,611
and I cannot have that
on my conscience.

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00:02:35,489 --> 00:02:39,159
[cheers and applause]

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00:02:45,624 --> 00:02:47,751
Careful, careful.

44
00:02:47,834 --> 00:02:50,796
My nude form, it's like--

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00:02:50,879 --> 00:02:54,925
it's like if a girl
went missing in Y2K,

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00:02:54,966 --> 00:02:56,635
and they found her,
and she's been living off

47
00:02:56,718 --> 00:02:59,096
pup cups for the last 25 years.

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00:02:59,179 --> 00:03:01,223
Just small amounts of cream.

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00:03:01,306 --> 00:03:04,935
[imitates gobbling]

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00:03:05,018 --> 00:03:06,603
I released a special
two years ago,

51
00:03:06,687 --> 00:03:10,524
and it sparked a nationwide
manhunt for my pronouns.

52
00:03:16,321 --> 00:03:19,825
FBI.
[imitates door busting open]

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00:03:19,908 --> 00:03:23,453
You tell me.
You're looking at it.

54
00:03:23,495 --> 00:03:25,163
I'm just waiting
for Gen Z to send me

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00:03:25,247 --> 00:03:27,457
a proper gender diagnosis
in the mail.

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00:03:27,541 --> 00:03:31,086
Like, they seem to have
that shit locked down.

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00:03:31,169 --> 00:03:32,462
I'm too passive.

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00:03:32,504 --> 00:03:34,005
My whole life,
the way I've identified,

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00:03:34,089 --> 00:03:35,632
I just go by restaurant order.

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00:03:35,674 --> 00:03:37,926
Whatever order the waiter
or waitress calls me.

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My whole life,
it's gone children, women,

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Chris,

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men,

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which tells me that I easily
could have snuck on to

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one of those lifeboats.

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Why'd you let him on?

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00:04:02,743 --> 00:04:05,996
I don't know.
Look at the panty lines.

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His landing strip's out.

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Lost them on landing strip.

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Reset to 0.
That's good.

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00:04:19,885 --> 00:04:21,845
I think my expectations
of masculinity

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00:04:21,928 --> 00:04:23,972
were fucked from the jump,

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because I played in bands
in middle school.

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And I know you did.
I know you did. I know.

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I know.
I know.

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00:04:32,731 --> 00:04:35,734
I know.

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I think my expectations
of masculinity

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were fucked from the jump,
because I played in band

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in middle school,
and to this day,

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I have not seen
a more developed man

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00:04:45,911 --> 00:04:49,998
than a middle school
tuba player.

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Whenever the alt-right is like,

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where have all the real men
in this country gone?

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They are holding down the
"Greensleeves" baseline

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in the back of the set.

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[imitates tuba blaring]

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00:05:01,259 --> 00:05:05,388
These guys make Dave Bautista
look like Bernadette Peters.

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My God!

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What is happening hormonally

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00:05:09,226 --> 00:05:11,686
with middle school
tuba players?

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00:05:11,770 --> 00:05:14,147
I think I said if you were to
give a regulation-sized child

92
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a tuba, they would--
[whimpering]

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00:05:17,275 --> 00:05:21,488
So enter these
7'1" behemoths.

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00:05:21,571 --> 00:05:23,490
Very docile.

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00:05:31,164 --> 00:05:33,750
With the thickest
HBO miniseries beards,

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00:05:33,834 --> 00:05:35,877
just a--

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00:05:35,961 --> 00:05:40,048
and the wind-worn visage
of a ferry worker.

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00:05:44,427 --> 00:05:46,054
And they're passing around
a flask of whiskey

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00:05:46,137 --> 00:05:49,891
just to stay warm.

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There's a bloodhound
drinking beer out of a dish.

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00:05:52,435 --> 00:05:55,230
[imitates gobbling]

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00:05:55,313 --> 00:05:56,982
One of them picks up the phone
in the middle of band.

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00:05:57,065 --> 00:06:01,278
[in deep voice]
Hey, kiddo.

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00:06:01,361 --> 00:06:04,489
Yeah, I'll pick you up
after practice, buddy.

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00:06:04,573 --> 00:06:05,782
[in normal voice]
You have a child?

106
00:06:05,824 --> 00:06:08,493
[in deep voice]
Yeah, he's a freshman.

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00:06:08,577 --> 00:06:10,537
Good kid.
Gets into a bit of trouble.

108
00:06:10,620 --> 00:06:14,040
But who didn't at that age?

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00:06:17,669 --> 00:06:19,462
In American media,

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00:06:19,504 --> 00:06:21,423
it's always the football
players that are shown

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00:06:21,506 --> 00:06:23,300
as the biggest, because
they're the most aggressive,

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because there's a hell that
comes with being almost huge.

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And there is a peace
and tranquility that comes

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00:06:31,516 --> 00:06:34,853
with being truly huge.

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True giants don't need PR.

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It's like a Great Dane
versus a German shepherd.

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Like--

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also, whenever I feel like
I have an understanding

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of the world and I want to
just kick it into the abyss,

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I look up what dogs were
originally bred for.

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00:06:59,753 --> 00:07:02,005
It'll be like,
the Springer Spaniel

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00:07:02,047 --> 00:07:06,801
was originally bred
to locate a pond in the town.

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00:07:08,929 --> 00:07:11,181
And then it would see
if there was another pond

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00:07:11,222 --> 00:07:14,976
touching that pond.

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And then it would go into town

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00:07:18,396 --> 00:07:21,650
and tell a guy.

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Period.

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What does it mean?

129
00:07:39,417 --> 00:07:42,712
You can also tell
how old a dog breed is

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00:07:42,796 --> 00:07:44,297
when it's like,
the Clumber Spaniel

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was originally bred to locate
holes and stand over them

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00:07:48,134 --> 00:07:51,596
in case the devil
were to come out.

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[applause]

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00:08:00,855 --> 00:08:02,774
That feels a little
"Prairie Home Companion"

135
00:08:02,857 --> 00:08:05,318
when you clap like that.

136
00:08:08,196 --> 00:08:10,949
Right, Great Danes
versus German shepherds--

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00:08:11,032 --> 00:08:13,243
a German shepherd has never
known a moment of peace

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00:08:13,326 --> 00:08:14,577
in all of its life.

139
00:08:14,661 --> 00:08:16,413
These dogs are in
constant shambles.

140
00:08:16,454 --> 00:08:18,581
And this is the highest
ranking dog in the country.

141
00:08:18,665 --> 00:08:20,207
That's the police dog.

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00:08:20,250 --> 00:08:21,584
I've never seen a cop
with a dog and been like,

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00:08:21,626 --> 00:08:24,879
they've got a really
good handle on that dog.

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00:08:28,174 --> 00:08:30,176
And cops are turning airports
into these like,

145
00:08:30,260 --> 00:08:34,806
Petco unleashed
obedience training grounds,

146
00:08:34,889 --> 00:08:36,640
where they have this little
wayward German shepherd

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00:08:36,725 --> 00:08:38,476
with a police dog
in a training vest,

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00:08:38,559 --> 00:08:40,270
and he's running around
with someone's neck pillow

149
00:08:40,311 --> 00:08:42,063
in its mouth.

150
00:08:42,105 --> 00:08:44,441
And the cop's chasing behind,
like, don't look at us!

151
00:08:44,524 --> 00:08:46,443
He's in training!

152
00:08:46,484 --> 00:08:47,652
And it's like,
at this point,

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you may as well
just have a police crab.

154
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You know, like, at least--

155
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[clicking]

156
00:08:53,825 --> 00:08:55,785
At least--
at least the crab

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00:08:55,827 --> 00:09:00,498
is going to stay pretty much
in one place.

158
00:09:00,582 --> 00:09:03,960
If I walk into TSA
and I see a TSA guy--

159
00:09:04,044 --> 00:09:06,755
or gal.
[laughs]

160
00:09:06,796 --> 00:09:11,134
The subreddit was about
to get real ugly.

161
00:09:11,217 --> 00:09:13,136
And I see them
standing next to a crab,

162
00:09:13,219 --> 00:09:17,599
I don't even want
to know the plan, you know.

163
00:09:17,682 --> 00:09:22,020
And if you get the knowing eye
of the crab on you...

164
00:09:24,314 --> 00:09:28,818
You're going to empty
those liquids.

165
00:09:28,860 --> 00:09:32,781
And I'm an empath.

166
00:09:32,864 --> 00:09:35,366
If you had an ounce of
the empathy that I have,

167
00:09:35,450 --> 00:09:40,121
you would be bedridden.

168
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You would all be fastened
to a Murphy bed,

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"Girl, Interrupted" style.

170
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I can feel your energy.

171
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I can feel
one of your boyfriends

172
00:09:50,799 --> 00:09:54,010
is going to DM me
after the show.

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00:09:54,052 --> 00:09:56,888
Hey, Chris,

174
00:09:56,971 --> 00:10:01,101
loved your skit
about police crabs.

175
00:10:04,062 --> 00:10:07,816
While humorous,

176
00:10:07,899 --> 00:10:11,319
there's also some truth
to that.

177
00:10:13,780 --> 00:10:17,200
In some parts of Turkmenistan--

178
00:10:17,242 --> 00:10:22,163
oh, oh.

179
00:10:22,247 --> 00:10:25,959
[moaning]

180
00:10:26,042 --> 00:10:29,546
Oh, my God.

181
00:10:29,587 --> 00:10:32,298
certain TSA units
have been known to utilize

182
00:10:32,382 --> 00:10:35,385
a crustacean police force.

183
00:10:35,426 --> 00:10:37,846
Oh.

184
00:10:37,929 --> 00:10:40,765
Oh.

185
00:10:40,849 --> 00:10:45,520
While maybe not the crab
you spoke of in your skit.

186
00:10:47,814 --> 00:10:51,401
Thank you, Thomas.
You have been blocked!

187
00:10:56,865 --> 00:10:59,450
Everyone I know right now
is popping up

188
00:10:59,534 --> 00:11:04,789
with the mustachioed fiancé
out of nowhere.

189
00:11:04,873 --> 00:11:07,167
All these guys that
dress like Robin Williams

190
00:11:07,250 --> 00:11:10,587
in "The Birdcage."

191
00:11:10,670 --> 00:11:13,798
Just thick thighed.

192
00:11:16,259 --> 00:11:20,763
All these guys seem like
they have no past.

193
00:11:20,805 --> 00:11:23,099
It seems like Hinge was
getting all these complaints.

194
00:11:23,183 --> 00:11:26,853
And so they just factory
produced, like, all these--

195
00:11:29,647 --> 00:11:32,108
Who I get are all under
the same mutual delusion

196
00:11:32,150 --> 00:11:36,279
that they're the life
of the party at weddings.

197
00:11:36,321 --> 00:11:39,449
Chris, Chris,

198
00:11:39,490 --> 00:11:41,284
you've got to meet Thomas.

199
00:11:41,326 --> 00:11:45,496
He is so fun.
He wears a kooky sock.

200
00:11:48,833 --> 00:11:50,835
Ladies, if he's only
comfortable squeaking out

201
00:11:50,919 --> 00:11:54,422
the kook in the sock...

202
00:11:57,467 --> 00:11:59,093
That's a guy who's going
to hide behind you

203
00:11:59,177 --> 00:12:00,428
if, God forbid,

204
00:12:00,470 --> 00:12:04,307
you ever fall into
the gorilla enclosure.

205
00:12:07,101 --> 00:12:10,647
You got this, babe.

206
00:12:10,688 --> 00:12:12,315
You're so strong and
independent, babe.

207
00:12:12,398 --> 00:12:14,234
You got this.

208
00:12:14,317 --> 00:12:16,486
No, Chris.
Thomas is so fun.

209
00:12:16,527 --> 00:12:20,323
He does interpretive dance
at a wedding for a laugh.

210
00:12:20,406 --> 00:12:22,408
Listen, normies,
there is nothing fucking funny

211
00:12:22,492 --> 00:12:25,328
about interpretive dance.

212
00:12:25,370 --> 00:12:28,289
[cheers and applause]

213
00:12:28,373 --> 00:12:31,960
My costume is not your culture!

214
00:12:32,043 --> 00:12:35,129
Interpretive dance is how
I keep my lights on

215
00:12:35,171 --> 00:12:40,009
and pay my astronomically high
emergency vet bills,

216
00:12:40,093 --> 00:12:44,347
because my dog Erik
ate a smart car.

217
00:12:44,430 --> 00:12:46,516
And, yeah,

218
00:12:46,599 --> 00:12:49,811
that's Erik with a K.

219
00:12:55,233 --> 00:12:57,485
Oh, yeah.
Thomas is so fun?

220
00:12:57,568 --> 00:13:01,656
Let's see him lead
a conga line.

221
00:13:01,739 --> 00:13:03,408
Everyone's fun until
they're thrust into

222
00:13:03,491 --> 00:13:06,244
a leadership position.

223
00:13:10,748 --> 00:13:14,627
Leading a conga line
takes discipline,

224
00:13:14,711 --> 00:13:20,174
vision, and restraint.

225
00:13:20,258 --> 00:13:23,761
You've got to go a lot slower
than you think.

226
00:13:29,392 --> 00:13:32,895
You've got a chain
of dependents behind you,

227
00:13:32,979 --> 00:13:37,900
varying extremely in age.

228
00:13:37,984 --> 00:13:43,781
You've got
a three-year-old twink,

229
00:13:43,865 --> 00:13:48,244
a groomsman relapsing,

230
00:13:48,328 --> 00:13:52,081
and the oldest woman
in the country.

231
00:13:56,336 --> 00:13:58,546
You get any crazy ideas, and
you're going to be looking at

232
00:13:58,629 --> 00:14:02,300
a conga line pile up.

233
00:14:02,383 --> 00:14:06,179
And that is a dark chaos.

234
00:14:10,475 --> 00:14:12,435
Chris, please.
Enough.

235
00:14:12,518 --> 00:14:14,020
Thomas is fun.

236
00:14:14,103 --> 00:14:17,774
Oh, I've seen fun.

237
00:14:17,815 --> 00:14:20,109
I've known fun.

238
00:14:20,151 --> 00:14:23,029
I lived with a guy in college
who jumped out of

239
00:14:23,112 --> 00:14:27,283
our second story bedroom window
to dropkick a guy,

240
00:14:27,367 --> 00:14:32,580
because the guy was pissing
on our house.

241
00:14:32,663 --> 00:14:37,085
That's fun.

242
00:14:37,168 --> 00:14:39,212
Where's Thomas going to be
when someone's pissing

243
00:14:39,295 --> 00:14:42,131
on your house?

244
00:14:42,215 --> 00:14:43,883
I'll tell you where
he's going to be.

245
00:14:43,966 --> 00:14:47,970
He's going to be on the phone
with Jeni's Ice Creams,

246
00:14:48,054 --> 00:14:52,767
seeing when the new
ube flavor's coming out.

247
00:14:52,850 --> 00:14:55,645
Their website says
September 1,

248
00:14:55,686 --> 00:15:00,066
and September 1
has come and gone.

249
00:15:05,113 --> 00:15:07,949
Also, ladies, Thomas,
if he makes you call him

250
00:15:08,032 --> 00:15:11,327
by the longest possible version
of his name,

251
00:15:11,369 --> 00:15:13,162
that's a guy who
doesn't mind wasting

252
00:15:13,204 --> 00:15:16,416
your motherfucking time.

253
00:15:16,499 --> 00:15:19,585
[cheers and applause]

254
00:15:24,549 --> 00:15:26,592
I took out a rental car here.

255
00:15:26,676 --> 00:15:28,094
To pull the rental car
up to me,

256
00:15:28,177 --> 00:15:29,929
they were bumping
the funkiest music.

257
00:15:30,012 --> 00:15:33,224
[upbeat vocalizing]

258
00:15:34,934 --> 00:15:36,310
And then to hand
the car over to me,

259
00:15:36,394 --> 00:15:39,814
they changed
the station to NPR.

260
00:15:42,525 --> 00:15:44,986
To be roasted wordlessly.

261
00:15:47,572 --> 00:15:51,200
I've toured this
so far and wide,

262
00:15:51,242 --> 00:15:53,327
and to hear
the bone-chilling silence

263
00:15:53,411 --> 00:15:57,331
on that line right there...

264
00:15:57,415 --> 00:15:59,375
Let's take that from the top.

265
00:15:59,459 --> 00:16:01,586
[laughter]

266
00:16:01,669 --> 00:16:04,755
Oh, you like when I improvise.

267
00:16:04,839 --> 00:16:06,674
Chicago's a comedy town.

268
00:16:06,757 --> 00:16:08,551
You love that.

269
00:16:08,634 --> 00:16:11,596
This is where Seth Meyers
cut his teeth.

270
00:16:14,765 --> 00:16:17,518
I had to come to
where Seth Meyers

271
00:16:17,602 --> 00:16:20,313
learned the rule of three.

272
00:16:23,274 --> 00:16:26,944
And I know you're all
Second City trained.

273
00:16:30,740 --> 00:16:35,661
Under the cruel tutelage
of Bobby Moynihan.

274
00:16:35,745 --> 00:16:39,457
Useless, everything
I'm saying is unusable.

275
00:16:42,627 --> 00:16:44,921
I want to applaud
the spotlight operator,

276
00:16:44,962 --> 00:16:48,508
who was on the team
that got Osama.

277
00:16:51,511 --> 00:16:54,555
[cheers and applause]

278
00:16:59,519 --> 00:17:01,270
So I had to get
a rental car recently.

279
00:17:01,354 --> 00:17:03,814
And to give me the rental car,

280
00:17:03,898 --> 00:17:06,275
they pulled it up,
bumping the funkiest music.

281
00:17:06,317 --> 00:17:08,109
[upbeat vocalizing]

282
00:17:08,152 --> 00:17:09,444
And then hand the car
over to me,

283
00:17:09,487 --> 00:17:14,282
they changed
the station to NPR.

284
00:17:14,367 --> 00:17:16,577
To be roasted wordlessly.

285
00:17:16,661 --> 00:17:19,579
[scattered laughter]

286
00:17:19,664 --> 00:17:22,666
[laughter]

287
00:17:25,502 --> 00:17:27,296
Like, I know I'm
giving something off.

288
00:17:27,380 --> 00:17:32,301
But guy who laughs at,
wait, wait, don't tell me?

289
00:17:32,343 --> 00:17:37,139
Guy who calls
tomatoes beautiful?

290
00:17:37,181 --> 00:17:38,808
Say it ain't so.

291
00:17:38,891 --> 00:17:41,477
I thought my vibe was a
little more nuanced than that.

292
00:17:41,561 --> 00:17:44,272
Like, I look like somebody
who needs to get a message

293
00:17:44,355 --> 00:17:47,358
to Imogen Heap.

294
00:17:53,239 --> 00:17:56,033
Just give me 5 minutes
with Ms. Heap.

295
00:17:58,911 --> 00:18:02,373
I received her message in her
hit song, "Hide and Seek."

296
00:18:07,253 --> 00:18:10,131
So I tuned in to NPR.
NPR isn't even NPR anymore.

297
00:18:10,214 --> 00:18:12,967
Like, I go looking
for knowledge.

298
00:18:13,050 --> 00:18:17,013
And NPR now is just like,
what is a zaddy?

299
00:18:19,807 --> 00:18:21,642
We're going to get to
the bottom of it today.

300
00:18:21,726 --> 00:18:25,021
And they interview the
youngest person they can find.

301
00:18:25,062 --> 00:18:28,357
And it's a 39-year-old in DC,

302
00:18:28,399 --> 00:18:31,110
off mic,
getting it completely wrong.

303
00:18:31,193 --> 00:18:35,031
[distantly]
A zaddy is a zombie's father.

304
00:18:35,072 --> 00:18:36,782
My heart goes out to
elder millennials.

305
00:18:36,866 --> 00:18:39,201
Elder millennials
deserve a grant.

306
00:18:39,243 --> 00:18:41,370
Like, they were--
they were prepping

307
00:18:41,412 --> 00:18:45,207
for a world that
just doesn't exist.

308
00:18:45,291 --> 00:18:47,543
They were rolling up the
sleeves on their lab coats

309
00:18:47,627 --> 00:18:50,880
and having complex discussions
with their professors

310
00:18:50,963 --> 00:18:52,381
over coffee.

311
00:18:52,423 --> 00:18:54,383
And now they find themselves
in this world

312
00:18:54,467 --> 00:19:00,264
where everyone just
sexualizes Shrek.

313
00:19:00,348 --> 00:19:03,059
That sucks.

314
00:19:07,521 --> 00:19:10,232
We, as younger millennials--
and I know I look mid 50's--

315
00:19:10,274 --> 00:19:13,027
but I am a younger--
no one told me

316
00:19:13,110 --> 00:19:17,615
you have to put sunscreen
on the clav.

317
00:19:17,698 --> 00:19:23,079
And that's why I look like
the secretary at Rydell High.

318
00:19:23,120 --> 00:19:26,749
We, as younger millennials,
learn to detach

319
00:19:26,832 --> 00:19:30,836
around the Iraq war
and "Garden State."

320
00:19:33,964 --> 00:19:35,508
I was like,
if Zach Braff's

321
00:19:35,591 --> 00:19:39,261
going to keep
getting away with this,

322
00:19:39,303 --> 00:19:42,807
I need to learn
to fly above my body.

323
00:19:46,185 --> 00:19:50,481
Zach Braff, the second
coming of Mr. Tumnus.

324
00:19:53,526 --> 00:19:56,946
Beta, but psychotic
at the same time,

325
00:19:56,987 --> 00:19:59,990
like a flight attendant.

326
00:20:04,328 --> 00:20:06,414
Do you ever get the impression
that flight attendants

327
00:20:06,497 --> 00:20:09,583
would kill us
if the pilot wasn't around?

328
00:20:13,003 --> 00:20:16,924
They hate us so much.

329
00:20:17,007 --> 00:20:19,135
Remember,
there was a brief time in 2021

330
00:20:19,176 --> 00:20:22,096
when they wouldn't stop
duct taping people to chairs.

331
00:20:22,179 --> 00:20:24,473
[imitates tape stretching]

332
00:20:24,515 --> 00:20:27,643
That never sat right with me.

333
00:20:27,727 --> 00:20:31,981
I don't accept food
from them either.

334
00:20:32,022 --> 00:20:36,861
To see grown business people
be like, cookies!

335
00:20:42,533 --> 00:20:45,494
Pretzels!

336
00:20:45,578 --> 00:20:48,372
I go, I'm good.

337
00:20:54,211 --> 00:20:55,463
It's the only time in my life

338
00:20:55,546 --> 00:20:58,716
I'm like a professional
snowboarder.

339
00:21:01,635 --> 00:21:05,139
Do not include the
professional snowboarder line.

340
00:21:05,222 --> 00:21:08,225
[laughter]

341
00:21:08,309 --> 00:21:13,564
The second I think
I have goodwill with you,

342
00:21:13,647 --> 00:21:17,693
you leave me in the yard
with my Yoni in my hands.

343
00:21:26,660 --> 00:21:28,746
What were we talking about?

344
00:21:28,829 --> 00:21:30,331
Elder millennials.
Oh, look.

345
00:21:30,414 --> 00:21:33,000
I just want to make
a wildlife sanctuary

346
00:21:33,042 --> 00:21:35,461
for elder millennials where
they can play Ultimate Frisbee

347
00:21:35,544 --> 00:21:39,381
in peace!

348
00:21:39,465 --> 00:21:43,511
And say amazeballs in harmony!

349
00:21:47,056 --> 00:21:51,352
And enjoy their zucchinis.

350
00:21:51,435 --> 00:21:55,397
They love zucchinis.
Oh, my God.

351
00:21:55,439 --> 00:21:56,899
When someone offers me
a zucchini, I'm like,

352
00:21:56,982 --> 00:21:59,652
school's out.

353
00:22:04,448 --> 00:22:08,786
Yeah, give me the cucumber that
lost everything at the casino.

354
00:22:17,461 --> 00:22:18,879
And then the elder millennials,

355
00:22:18,963 --> 00:22:20,297
they can compare
their Trader Joe's snacks.

356
00:22:20,381 --> 00:22:21,924
I'm obsessed with Trader Joe's.

357
00:22:21,966 --> 00:22:24,718
I can-- I have a hyperfixation
with Trader Joe's.

358
00:22:24,802 --> 00:22:26,428
I have to talk about it
every night.

359
00:22:26,470 --> 00:22:28,222
My favorite thing about
Trader Joe's right now,

360
00:22:28,305 --> 00:22:33,394
you know how Trader Joe's
has those weekly recalls?

361
00:22:33,477 --> 00:22:37,439
And they're so shameless
about what they're recalling.

362
00:22:37,481 --> 00:22:39,692
They hold themselves
so unaccountable that

363
00:22:39,775 --> 00:22:43,362
they make you feel fucked up
for getting the thing.

364
00:22:43,445 --> 00:22:44,613
It's so brilliant.

365
00:22:44,655 --> 00:22:46,448
And they let you know
by putting up, like,

366
00:22:46,490 --> 00:22:49,577
an 8 by 11 crumpled up sheet
of computer paper

367
00:22:49,660 --> 00:22:51,370
1 foot off the ground.

368
00:22:51,453 --> 00:22:54,415
And it's like, hey.

369
00:22:57,334 --> 00:23:00,671
We found human remains
in the cantaloupe.

370
00:23:08,012 --> 00:23:11,140
[laughter]

371
00:23:13,183 --> 00:23:16,604
You didn't buy that shit,
did you?

372
00:23:19,231 --> 00:23:21,650
It's like a very
middle school alpha tactic.

373
00:23:21,734 --> 00:23:23,360
It's like an eighth grader
in a hoodie

374
00:23:23,444 --> 00:23:26,488
on the back of someone's
bike pegs, just like--

375
00:23:30,159 --> 00:23:33,913
Yo, we found eels
in the sparkling water.

376
00:23:39,543 --> 00:23:42,004
Hey, none of you posers got
any caprese sandwiches, right?

377
00:23:42,087 --> 00:23:43,339
Because they found
Jimmy Hoffa

378
00:23:43,380 --> 00:23:47,676
in most of
the caprese sandwiches.

379
00:23:47,760 --> 00:23:51,680
There were bullets
in the mochi, dude.

380
00:23:51,722 --> 00:23:55,768
It'd be so fucked up
if you got mochi.

381
00:23:55,851 --> 00:23:58,520
And anyone who set foot--
it always ends in salmonella.

382
00:23:58,562 --> 00:24:00,105
Anyone who set foot
in Trader Joe's

383
00:24:00,189 --> 00:24:04,443
between April and November
has generational salmonella.

384
00:24:08,614 --> 00:24:11,408
I'm so tired of people
blaming viruses on animals.

385
00:24:11,492 --> 00:24:14,370
Like, oh,
the horses caused this.

386
00:24:14,411 --> 00:24:18,082
I know horses.
They're not doing shit.

387
00:24:23,587 --> 00:24:26,882
You ever know a horse,
and then find out he's 35?

388
00:24:30,761 --> 00:24:33,430
I love that.

389
00:24:33,514 --> 00:24:35,057
I'm like, hell, yeah, man.

390
00:24:35,140 --> 00:24:39,812
Remember the Fleet Foxes?

391
00:24:39,895 --> 00:24:44,024
Yeah, we really thought
folk was coming back.

392
00:24:45,901 --> 00:24:48,028
And you've got to go
forehead to forehead.

393
00:24:48,112 --> 00:24:50,864
[grunting]

394
00:24:50,948 --> 00:24:52,741
Tummy time.
That's for company men.

395
00:24:52,825 --> 00:24:54,034
Mind melding with a mare,

396
00:24:54,118 --> 00:24:56,745
that's for the real
revolutionaries.

397
00:24:56,829 --> 00:25:01,667
That's what Swayze was doing on
his weekends off, shooting DD.

398
00:25:01,750 --> 00:25:05,671
The captions will have
"Dirty Dancing," but DD, it's--

399
00:25:10,175 --> 00:25:13,095
Yeah, it's not the horses
causing these viruses.

400
00:25:13,178 --> 00:25:14,888
It's probably the guy
refusing to clean out

401
00:25:14,972 --> 00:25:19,226
his cast iron skillet.

402
00:25:19,309 --> 00:25:21,478
How sick did those guys
have to get

403
00:25:21,562 --> 00:25:23,939
to quiet their evangelism
about not cleaning out

404
00:25:24,023 --> 00:25:25,983
your cast iron skillet?

405
00:25:26,066 --> 00:25:28,277
They were the loudest
population in America

406
00:25:28,318 --> 00:25:29,778
for much of the 2010s.

407
00:25:29,820 --> 00:25:33,741
No babe, baby.

408
00:25:33,824 --> 00:25:35,117
Babe, hold up.

409
00:25:35,200 --> 00:25:39,204
You don't have to--
you don't have to clean it out.

410
00:25:39,288 --> 00:25:42,541
No soap, babe.
You'll take out the seasoning.

411
00:25:42,624 --> 00:25:43,959
Seasoning with what?

412
00:25:44,001 --> 00:25:49,214
The virus that took out Beth
in "Little Women"?

413
00:25:49,298 --> 00:25:51,133
You know that guy's
cast iron skillet

414
00:25:51,175 --> 00:25:54,094
is moving a little bit
at night.

415
00:26:03,812 --> 00:26:07,649
He's got a kombucha SCOBY
just undulating.

416
00:26:07,733 --> 00:26:10,360
[in gritty voice]
Kombucha, kombucha.

417
00:26:11,695 --> 00:26:13,030
[in high-pitched voice]
We're going to get the fuck

418
00:26:13,113 --> 00:26:15,824
out of here tonight, kombucha.

419
00:26:15,866 --> 00:26:19,369
[in gritty voice]
Kombucha?

420
00:26:19,453 --> 00:26:21,371
[in high-pitched voice]
He keeps his passport

421
00:26:21,455 --> 00:26:24,041
in his credenza.

422
00:26:24,124 --> 00:26:27,503
We'll put on some
of his Indochinos

423
00:26:27,586 --> 00:26:30,839
and we'll fly north to Canada.

424
00:26:30,881 --> 00:26:36,470
When our friends in the north
see how we've been mistreated,

425
00:26:36,553 --> 00:26:41,016
that I haven't gotten
so much as a whore's bath

426
00:26:41,100 --> 00:26:45,020
since Romney was running!

427
00:26:45,104 --> 00:26:48,107
[in gritty voice]
Romney, Romney.

428
00:26:50,734 --> 00:26:52,945
[in high-pitched voice]
Yeah!

429
00:26:55,864 --> 00:26:58,659
[laughs]

430
00:26:58,742 --> 00:27:00,285
Get on my back, kombucha SCOBY.

431
00:27:00,369 --> 00:27:01,870
Come on.
Come on, get on my back.

432
00:27:01,954 --> 00:27:04,456
[in gritty voice]
Kombucha, kombucha.

433
00:27:04,540 --> 00:27:05,791
Kombu--

434
00:27:05,874 --> 00:27:07,167
[in high-pitched voice]
Yeah.

435
00:27:07,251 --> 00:27:08,669
Oh, shit.
Here he comes.

436
00:27:08,710 --> 00:27:10,379
Quick, let's pretend
to be his girlfriend.

437
00:27:10,420 --> 00:27:13,215
Grab that ukulele.

438
00:27:18,178 --> 00:27:19,388
[in normal voice]
Hey, babe.

439
00:27:19,471 --> 00:27:23,892
I didn't know you were coming
over so soon for mocktails.

440
00:27:23,934 --> 00:27:26,979
[in gritty voice]
Kombucha, kombucha.

441
00:27:28,313 --> 00:27:31,733
[in normal voice] Why are you
using our safe word, babe?

442
00:27:31,817 --> 00:27:33,026
And scene.

443
00:27:33,110 --> 00:27:35,404
How did that feel?
How did that feel?

444
00:27:35,487 --> 00:27:38,574
[cheers and applause]

445
00:27:43,120 --> 00:27:46,415
2014, I was about to clean out
my cast iron skillet.

446
00:27:46,498 --> 00:27:47,583
I was like, you know what?

447
00:27:47,624 --> 00:27:48,876
I don't see any of
those guys around.

448
00:27:48,959 --> 00:27:50,502
I don't see any stubble.

449
00:27:50,586 --> 00:27:53,088
I'm going to put a little
squirt of soap, squirt.

450
00:27:53,130 --> 00:27:56,675
And then one of those guys
just apparated in my kitchen

451
00:27:56,758 --> 00:28:00,220
and put his arms over me
like a computer teacher.

452
00:28:07,477 --> 00:28:08,604
Remember that?

453
00:28:08,687 --> 00:28:11,148
Remember getting absorbed
by the computer teacher?

454
00:28:19,489 --> 00:28:20,657
I didn't mind that.

455
00:28:20,741 --> 00:28:23,952
It was a really early exercise
in letting go.

456
00:28:31,835 --> 00:28:35,505
I went to your Whole Foods,
by the way.

457
00:28:35,589 --> 00:28:39,259
Cheddar's getting sharper
every year.

458
00:28:47,017 --> 00:28:50,062
[cheers and applause]

459
00:28:54,191 --> 00:28:58,612
My crowd gives
the gentlest high fives.

460
00:28:58,695 --> 00:29:01,323
That--
[laughs]

461
00:29:01,406 --> 00:29:04,284
That still would be
like a picture

462
00:29:04,368 --> 00:29:08,288
on a primate behavior brochure.

463
00:29:17,798 --> 00:29:21,802
Everyone knows I'm like--
I couldn't handle any blowback.

464
00:29:21,885 --> 00:29:25,430
I would--
[screaming]

465
00:29:29,393 --> 00:29:31,979
Yeah, cheddar's getting
sharper every year.

466
00:29:32,020 --> 00:29:34,856
When I-- my favorite part
of the grocery store,

467
00:29:34,940 --> 00:29:37,985
I beeline it to the cheddar.

468
00:29:38,068 --> 00:29:40,404
Oh, yeah.
It's like regular cheddar.

469
00:29:40,487 --> 00:29:43,407
OK, OK.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

470
00:29:43,490 --> 00:29:47,869
Medium cheddar.
[giggles]

471
00:29:47,911 --> 00:29:52,291
Sharp cheddar.
Yeah!

472
00:29:52,374 --> 00:29:53,792
Really sharp cheddar.

473
00:29:53,875 --> 00:29:56,336
Come on!

474
00:29:56,420 --> 00:29:58,588
[screams]

475
00:30:01,091 --> 00:30:04,219
Seriously sharp cheddar.

476
00:30:04,303 --> 00:30:05,971
Fuck!

477
00:30:08,974 --> 00:30:11,685
And I'm like, come on!

478
00:30:11,768 --> 00:30:16,565
Let's keep this party going!

479
00:30:16,606 --> 00:30:20,360
Give me that Tillamook Psycho!

480
00:30:20,444 --> 00:30:22,696
Hey, hey, hey.
Hey.

481
00:30:22,779 --> 00:30:25,699
Hey, hey, old lady,
keep it down.

482
00:30:27,868 --> 00:30:31,788
I hear you're looking
for Tillamook Psycho.

483
00:30:31,872 --> 00:30:36,084
Yeah, I thought
Biden outlawed that.

484
00:30:36,126 --> 00:30:38,837
Biden's gone, man.

485
00:30:46,553 --> 00:30:48,972
You wait right there.

486
00:30:49,056 --> 00:30:52,017
Then a guy in lederhosen,
no panties comes out.

487
00:30:59,191 --> 00:31:01,943
I hear you party.

488
00:31:02,027 --> 00:31:04,279
Yeah, yeah, give me that shit
that Bernie Sanders hits

489
00:31:04,321 --> 00:31:07,115
before he filibusters.

490
00:31:07,199 --> 00:31:08,909
How do I know you're not a cop?

491
00:31:08,950 --> 00:31:11,787
Would a cop get this jazzed
about a score?

492
00:31:11,870 --> 00:31:14,247
OK, OK, OK, OK.

493
00:31:14,331 --> 00:31:16,083
Take it slow.
Take a little nibble here.

494
00:31:16,166 --> 00:31:17,959
OK.

495
00:31:18,043 --> 00:31:19,920
[imitates chewing]

496
00:31:20,003 --> 00:31:22,047
Oh, fuck.

497
00:31:27,552 --> 00:31:29,679
Oh, shit.

498
00:31:40,190 --> 00:31:42,651
That shit is jagged.

499
00:31:49,866 --> 00:31:52,536
I hear Wilco.

500
00:31:57,541 --> 00:32:01,336
I see Terry Gross!

501
00:32:01,378 --> 00:32:05,507
Let her in, man.

502
00:32:05,590 --> 00:32:08,176
Look, I talk a lot
of shit about NPR,

503
00:32:08,218 --> 00:32:11,012
but the one person
keeping it down,

504
00:32:11,054 --> 00:32:15,475
brutal and ruthless,
is Terry Gross.

505
00:32:15,559 --> 00:32:19,396
[cheers and applause]
My, my goodness.

506
00:32:20,522 --> 00:32:22,315
In a world of all
these interviewers,

507
00:32:22,357 --> 00:32:25,444
like Jimmy Fallon
wearing a French tickler...

508
00:32:30,323 --> 00:32:32,492
The completely
unmanageable tension

509
00:32:32,576 --> 00:32:37,247
of every episode with
"Fresh Air" with Terry Gross

510
00:32:37,330 --> 00:32:40,041
is so refreshing.

511
00:32:40,083 --> 00:32:42,377
It feels like every episode
was recorded

512
00:32:42,419 --> 00:32:47,048
in the space between
the living and the dead.

513
00:32:47,132 --> 00:32:50,010
It feels like the guest
is sitting on one end

514
00:32:50,051 --> 00:32:53,763
of a long medieval table,
and Terry's on the other end,

515
00:32:53,847 --> 00:32:56,433
just cleaning a gun.

516
00:33:02,981 --> 00:33:06,902
My favorite David and Goliath
moment of recent times,

517
00:33:06,943 --> 00:33:11,239
2019, Terry Gross
interviews Adam Driver.

518
00:33:11,281 --> 00:33:13,241
You know this?
OK.

519
00:33:13,325 --> 00:33:16,703
It got scrapped because
she freaked out

520
00:33:16,786 --> 00:33:19,748
former Marine Adam Driver.

521
00:33:19,831 --> 00:33:23,919
Little Terry Gross,
little 3'1" Terry,

522
00:33:24,002 --> 00:33:28,924
freaked him out so much
that he fled...

523
00:33:28,965 --> 00:33:31,551
the interview.

524
00:33:31,635 --> 00:33:34,137
I guess he doesn't like
engaging with his own work.

525
00:33:34,221 --> 00:33:38,225
And she basically
Clockwork Oranged him with it.

526
00:33:40,310 --> 00:33:42,729
It was a clip of him singing
the Sondheim song

527
00:33:42,812 --> 00:33:44,648
from "Marriage Story."

528
00:33:44,731 --> 00:33:48,485
And she was just
torturing him with it.

529
00:33:48,568 --> 00:33:51,988
He was like, Terry, please!

530
00:33:52,072 --> 00:33:54,115
And Terry was just like--

531
00:33:59,329 --> 00:34:01,414
Until Adam left.

532
00:34:01,498 --> 00:34:04,209
Now, we don't know
what happened,

533
00:34:04,292 --> 00:34:06,253
because there's no record
of this.

534
00:34:06,336 --> 00:34:09,922
But in my fantasy,

535
00:34:10,005 --> 00:34:13,717
I like to imagine
that Terry gave chase.

536
00:34:16,012 --> 00:34:18,473
Just hauling ass
after Adam Driver

537
00:34:18,514 --> 00:34:21,309
like the Terminator
down the street,

538
00:34:21,393 --> 00:34:23,143
holding a Bluetooth speaker,

539
00:34:23,228 --> 00:34:26,188
blasting him singing
the Sondheim song.

540
00:34:29,109 --> 00:34:30,860
[piano music playing]

541
00:34:30,944 --> 00:34:32,654
- ♪ Would anyone ever ♪

542
00:34:32,696 --> 00:34:34,947
- [panting]

543
00:34:35,031 --> 00:34:37,659
- ♪ Walking in town ♪

544
00:34:37,701 --> 00:34:39,286
♪ I know I'm not rich ♪

545
00:34:39,369 --> 00:34:41,036
♪ I know I'm too tall ♪

546
00:34:41,121 --> 00:34:45,875
- Now, Adam, I've interviewed
a lot of bitches in my day,

547
00:34:45,958 --> 00:34:48,168
but few as big as you.

548
00:34:48,210 --> 00:34:49,838
Now, I would expect this whole,

549
00:34:49,920 --> 00:34:51,630
"Oh, I can't listen
to my own work" thing

550
00:34:51,715 --> 00:34:55,385
from Johnny Depp because
of the scarves and the hats.

551
00:34:55,467 --> 00:34:57,679
But with you, I would expect
a little more T

552
00:34:57,721 --> 00:34:59,556
pumping through those
vas deferens.

553
00:34:59,639 --> 00:35:02,642
[yelling]

554
00:35:04,060 --> 00:35:06,187
You basically turned
"Girls" on HBO

555
00:35:06,229 --> 00:35:10,025
into your own personal
OnlyFans account.

556
00:35:10,108 --> 00:35:13,987
And now you wet your Tom Fords,
a little Sondheim clip,

557
00:35:14,070 --> 00:35:16,823
where you sound like
a wealthy child

558
00:35:16,906 --> 00:35:20,619
singing at his
karaoke birthday party.

559
00:35:20,702 --> 00:35:23,455
What I find so intriguing
about you, Adam,

560
00:35:23,538 --> 00:35:28,293
is you're so simian, but
so cowardly at the same time.

561
00:35:28,376 --> 00:35:31,963
When I catch you--
and I will catch you--

562
00:35:33,757 --> 00:35:36,259
I want to shimmy up you
and feed you a banana.

563
00:35:36,343 --> 00:35:39,262
[singing continues
in background]

564
00:35:39,346 --> 00:35:41,681
♪ ♪

565
00:35:41,765 --> 00:35:45,101
She makes contact.

566
00:35:45,185 --> 00:35:48,438
Terry, no!

567
00:35:48,521 --> 00:35:52,025
You don't get to
call me Terry Gross.

568
00:35:52,108 --> 00:35:54,694
Terry Gross is my nickname.

569
00:35:54,778 --> 00:35:59,366
My real name is
Theresa Disgusting.

570
00:35:59,407 --> 00:36:06,456
♪ ♪

571
00:36:16,800 --> 00:36:19,844
[cheers and applause]

572
00:36:30,647 --> 00:36:34,651
I recently disgraced myself
in front of Lin-Manuel Miranda.

573
00:36:39,406 --> 00:36:41,616
Here's what happened.

574
00:36:41,658 --> 00:36:44,494
He responded to something
I put out on Instagram.

575
00:36:44,577 --> 00:36:48,164
He was like, ha-ha,
this is very funny.

576
00:36:48,248 --> 00:36:51,668
I freaked out.

577
00:36:51,751 --> 00:36:54,796
When I got this message,
I was outside of a Starbucks

578
00:36:54,879 --> 00:36:57,841
that was playing his song
from "Mary Poppins."

579
00:36:57,924 --> 00:36:59,926
It's like a chimney sweep song,
it's like--

580
00:37:00,009 --> 00:37:03,680
[sings indistinctly]

581
00:37:03,763 --> 00:37:06,224
I was like, this is so kismet.
This is serendipitous.

582
00:37:06,307 --> 00:37:08,476
I'm going to film this

583
00:37:08,560 --> 00:37:12,105
and send it
to Lin-Manuel Miranda.

584
00:37:15,358 --> 00:37:18,236
And it's going to form
such a bond.

585
00:37:18,319 --> 00:37:21,906
And I thought that I could
edit the video in app,

586
00:37:21,990 --> 00:37:23,408
but it just--
[whooshes]

587
00:37:23,491 --> 00:37:25,577
Sent.

588
00:37:31,666 --> 00:37:34,919
So what I ended up
sending Lin-Manuel Miranda

589
00:37:35,003 --> 00:37:38,047
was a 2-minute video clip...

590
00:37:40,592 --> 00:37:43,970
Of the exterior of a Starbucks.

591
00:37:48,558 --> 00:37:52,061
Where I am too far
to hear the music.

592
00:37:57,233 --> 00:37:58,735
But luckily, what you can hear

593
00:37:58,818 --> 00:38:01,696
is me breathing.

594
00:38:01,738 --> 00:38:03,698
[heavy breathing]

595
00:38:03,782 --> 00:38:05,492
Yeah.

596
00:38:08,286 --> 00:38:11,164
Oh, cool.

597
00:38:12,415 --> 00:38:15,251
Oh, he's going to love that.

598
00:38:18,546 --> 00:38:21,341
So to recap,

599
00:38:21,424 --> 00:38:23,635
Lin-Manuel Miranda writes
a pretty innocuous,

600
00:38:23,718 --> 00:38:25,970
ha-ha, this is very funny.

601
00:38:31,226 --> 00:38:33,645
11 minutes go by.

602
00:38:40,193 --> 00:38:44,239
And then he receives
a very dark short film...

603
00:38:52,288 --> 00:38:56,209
Of the brutalist exterior
of a Starbucks...

604
00:38:58,294 --> 00:39:03,091
In San Bernardino, California,

605
00:39:03,174 --> 00:39:05,093
with me wheezing on mic.

606
00:39:05,176 --> 00:39:09,097
Now, what was his response?

607
00:39:09,180 --> 00:39:12,225
Seen at 12:23 PM.

608
00:39:18,648 --> 00:39:20,942
So I don't think you're going
to be seeing me in "Moana 9"

609
00:39:20,984 --> 00:39:23,486
anytime soon.

610
00:39:28,783 --> 00:39:30,201
I spend too much time
at Starbucks.

611
00:39:30,285 --> 00:39:32,036
I'm a sugar fiend.

612
00:39:32,120 --> 00:39:33,621
But I don't do dessert
in public.

613
00:39:33,705 --> 00:39:37,792
My dessert face,
it's way too graphic.

614
00:39:37,834 --> 00:39:40,044
But I will, though,
occasionally-- to be sociable,

615
00:39:40,128 --> 00:39:44,299
I will go to the ice cream
parlor with friends.

616
00:39:44,340 --> 00:39:48,177
I'm always appalled at what
the frozen dessert world

617
00:39:48,261 --> 00:39:53,016
is allowed to do in regards
to their treatment of Oreos.

618
00:39:54,726 --> 00:39:56,936
So they have a bunch
of public domain toppings,

619
00:39:57,020 --> 00:39:59,522
like strawberry sauce,

620
00:39:59,606 --> 00:40:02,609
chocolate-chocolate chips,
marshmallow sauce,

621
00:40:02,692 --> 00:40:07,363
and then they have
a heap of disfigured Oreos

622
00:40:07,447 --> 00:40:12,035
that, at first glance,
I'm like, is that soot?

623
00:40:16,247 --> 00:40:21,836
Oh, no, it's just
America's cookie

624
00:40:21,878 --> 00:40:27,467
maimed beyond recognition,

625
00:40:27,550 --> 00:40:31,679
looking like the cartel
is trying to send a message,

626
00:40:31,721 --> 00:40:35,266
looking like a witch has been
grinding them up all winter.

627
00:40:35,350 --> 00:40:38,394
[thumping]

628
00:40:42,440 --> 00:40:45,818
[in high-pitched voice]
Almost ready!

629
00:40:45,902 --> 00:40:49,155
[in normal voice]
Jesus Christ.

630
00:40:49,238 --> 00:40:50,531
Oreos are an icon.

631
00:40:50,615 --> 00:40:54,035
It's not like they need
this free exposure.

632
00:40:54,118 --> 00:40:56,412
This would be like if you saw
Dame Judi Dench

633
00:40:56,496 --> 00:40:59,874
selling vibrators on Instagram.

634
00:41:17,600 --> 00:41:21,270
Use code Dench...

635
00:41:24,482 --> 00:41:29,612
To fuck your shit up
this Galentine's Day.

636
00:41:30,780 --> 00:41:33,825
Jesus Christ!

637
00:41:33,908 --> 00:41:35,702
I've never seen a company

638
00:41:35,785 --> 00:41:37,870
with a looser grasp
on their property

639
00:41:37,954 --> 00:41:42,083
as Nabisco with Oreos.

640
00:41:42,166 --> 00:41:43,918
If this were being done
to Milanos,

641
00:41:44,002 --> 00:41:47,046
Pepperidge Farm would
bomb Dairy Queen.

642
00:41:50,299 --> 00:41:53,636
Did we get the Milanos?
Check for the Sausalitos!

643
00:41:55,179 --> 00:41:59,767
What sick fuck
is in charge of Nabisco?

644
00:41:59,809 --> 00:42:02,729
Because the other known topping
in these places is M&M's.

645
00:42:02,770 --> 00:42:04,772
But I get the impression that
whoever represents M&M's

646
00:42:04,814 --> 00:42:06,441
was like, yeah,
you can use the M&M's,

647
00:42:06,524 --> 00:42:09,902
but please don't hurt them.

648
00:42:12,989 --> 00:42:15,575
Whereas it feels like
Mr. Nabisco was on the phone

649
00:42:15,658 --> 00:42:17,118
with the frozen dessert world,

650
00:42:17,160 --> 00:42:18,703
and the frozen dessert people
were like,

651
00:42:18,786 --> 00:42:20,705
Mr. Nabisco,

652
00:42:20,788 --> 00:42:23,624
it would be
the honor of a lifetime

653
00:42:23,708 --> 00:42:27,128
to work with your
esteemed client, Oreos.

654
00:42:27,170 --> 00:42:29,130
We think they would
fit seamlessly

655
00:42:29,213 --> 00:42:30,882
into the frozen dessert world.

656
00:42:30,965 --> 00:42:35,553
And we promise to follow
any guidelines that you see fit

657
00:42:35,636 --> 00:42:38,890
to maintain the dignity

658
00:42:38,973 --> 00:42:41,809
and the integrity

659
00:42:41,893 --> 00:42:45,646
of what has become
America's premier cookie

660
00:42:45,688 --> 00:42:50,109
for the better part
of a century.

661
00:42:50,193 --> 00:42:53,071
Do whatever you want to them.

662
00:42:58,951 --> 00:43:01,204
Disgrace them.

663
00:43:07,627 --> 00:43:12,340
Degrade and humiliate them.

664
00:43:12,423 --> 00:43:14,842
Chop them up.

665
00:43:20,098 --> 00:43:22,683
OK. Yeah.

666
00:43:22,725 --> 00:43:25,269
OK, yeah, yeah, we can
totally chop them up.

667
00:43:25,353 --> 00:43:29,607
But we promise to do so
equally and uniformly.

668
00:43:29,690 --> 00:43:34,529
Do it differently every time.

669
00:43:34,612 --> 00:43:40,034
I want no rhyme or reason to
the mutilation of my client.

670
00:43:40,118 --> 00:43:42,662
Put them in a Ziploc bag
and have a hungover teen

671
00:43:42,745 --> 00:43:46,457
stomp on them
in the break room.

672
00:43:47,917 --> 00:43:50,837
[shaky breathing]

673
00:43:50,920 --> 00:43:53,923
[soft stammering]

674
00:43:56,008 --> 00:44:00,221
D-do you want us to include
the cream filling?

675
00:44:01,472 --> 00:44:03,724
Sometimes.

676
00:44:10,273 --> 00:44:12,483
[softly]
Why are you doing this?

677
00:44:16,279 --> 00:44:18,531
Because I can.

678
00:44:21,492 --> 00:44:24,537
[cheers and applause]

679
00:44:30,668 --> 00:44:33,212
Now, that exact same dialogue
could be copy-paste applied

680
00:44:33,296 --> 00:44:37,550
to whoever represents Eugene
Levy for commercial work.

681
00:44:48,936 --> 00:44:50,855
This is going to sound
like something I made up.

682
00:44:50,938 --> 00:44:52,815
I'm not making this up.

683
00:44:52,899 --> 00:44:54,442
I went to my friend's
wedding recently.

684
00:44:54,483 --> 00:44:55,943
It was a City Hall wedding.

685
00:44:56,027 --> 00:44:57,445
And I was wearing the
most masculine thing

686
00:44:57,528 --> 00:45:01,657
I've worn since my first
communion, pretty much.

687
00:45:01,741 --> 00:45:04,285
I was quite literally
in a zoot suit.

688
00:45:06,913 --> 00:45:10,291
And as I'm wearing
this zoot suit,

689
00:45:10,333 --> 00:45:12,126
I was like,
there's something weirdly

690
00:45:12,168 --> 00:45:17,506
liberating about this, wearing
this hyper masculine outfit.

691
00:45:17,590 --> 00:45:20,009
It felt like crashing
into this wave

692
00:45:20,092 --> 00:45:24,222
that I'd been so avoiding
my whole life.

693
00:45:24,305 --> 00:45:27,225
There was something
kind of sexy about it,

694
00:45:27,308 --> 00:45:29,644
giving in to that, and saying--
I was like, you know what?

695
00:45:29,727 --> 00:45:32,313
Maybe I could do this
more often.

696
00:45:32,355 --> 00:45:34,815
Maybe I'm just kind
of limiting myself.

697
00:45:34,899 --> 00:45:36,609
I feel sexy.

698
00:45:36,692 --> 00:45:39,320
I feel alive right now.
This is really interesting.

699
00:45:39,362 --> 00:45:41,989
Right as I was
feeling that,

700
00:45:42,031 --> 00:45:44,825
an older woman walks by,
points at me, and goes,

701
00:45:44,867 --> 00:45:47,453
Frances McDormand?

702
00:45:58,714 --> 00:46:01,968
This wasn't, like, a hip young
woman having some fun with me.

703
00:46:02,051 --> 00:46:03,803
This was a woman
old enough to be

704
00:46:03,886 --> 00:46:08,140
named Priscilla,

705
00:46:08,224 --> 00:46:12,645
who was sure enough
that I was Frances McDor--

706
00:46:15,481 --> 00:46:19,860
Right as I was on the cusp
of a sexual Renaissance

707
00:46:19,944 --> 00:46:22,697
in a Suge Knight zoot suit.

708
00:46:28,869 --> 00:46:31,664
If you're going to go
around with your finger

709
00:46:31,747 --> 00:46:34,959
on the trigger,

710
00:46:35,042 --> 00:46:39,088
diagnosing people
as Frances McDormand...

711
00:46:42,883 --> 00:46:45,052
Don't shoot until
you see their Oscar

712
00:46:45,094 --> 00:46:48,472
for "Three Billboards"
over somewhere in Missouri.

713
00:46:52,310 --> 00:46:54,854
If you're playing some kind
of "Pokémon Go" version of,

714
00:46:54,937 --> 00:46:56,564
but finding--

715
00:46:56,605 --> 00:46:59,692
if you're playing Frances
McDormand Go out in the world.

716
00:47:03,779 --> 00:47:06,032
She goes, Frances McDormand?

717
00:47:06,073 --> 00:47:08,617
I go, no.

718
00:47:13,831 --> 00:47:15,458
And she goes, oh.

719
00:47:18,210 --> 00:47:19,879
Frances McDormand was my age

720
00:47:19,962 --> 00:47:21,797
right now when
she shot "Fargo."

721
00:47:21,881 --> 00:47:22,798
She didn't say,

722
00:47:22,882 --> 00:47:25,217
Frances McDormand
when she shot "Fargo"?

723
00:47:27,595 --> 00:47:31,640
The parenthetical was
81-year-old Frances McDormand.

724
00:47:36,979 --> 00:47:39,732
And as pissed as I was,
what made me even more irate

725
00:47:39,815 --> 00:47:42,485
was the glee this
brought my friends.

726
00:47:45,154 --> 00:47:46,781
The way they were
standing, soaking it up,

727
00:47:46,864 --> 00:47:48,783
it was almost like they
were at an energy healing.

728
00:47:48,824 --> 00:47:51,494
It was like palms open.

729
00:47:56,665 --> 00:47:58,626
Frances McDormand--
see, that's a name

730
00:47:58,667 --> 00:48:00,961
that just was destined
for stardom.

731
00:48:01,003 --> 00:48:03,339
Some names just work.

732
00:48:03,422 --> 00:48:07,593
A name needs to be as
un-efforted as a sneeze.

733
00:48:07,676 --> 00:48:10,179
Tracy Chapman.

734
00:48:10,262 --> 00:48:13,182
Boulder, Colorado.

735
00:48:13,265 --> 00:48:15,267
Jigglypuff, Wigglytuff.

736
00:48:15,351 --> 00:48:19,146
I'm not even trying right now.

737
00:48:19,188 --> 00:48:23,484
Conversely, some names,
they just don't work.

738
00:48:23,567 --> 00:48:27,696
The new president of my college
keeps mass emailing me.

739
00:48:27,780 --> 00:48:30,658
And...

740
00:48:30,741 --> 00:48:34,703
I'm sorry, but his name
just doesn't work.

741
00:48:40,209 --> 00:48:42,962
Marc.

742
00:48:49,844 --> 00:48:53,973
C.
[grunting]

743
00:48:54,723 --> 00:48:59,186
Conner.

744
00:48:59,228 --> 00:49:02,648
If I have to take a Gatorade
break between your first name

745
00:49:02,731 --> 00:49:06,986
and middle initial,

746
00:49:07,069 --> 00:49:08,988
then we've got to
take this thing back

747
00:49:09,071 --> 00:49:12,867
to corporate offices.

748
00:49:12,908 --> 00:49:15,828
Saying Marc C.,

749
00:49:15,911 --> 00:49:18,080
it feels the vocal
equivalent of doing this.

750
00:49:18,164 --> 00:49:21,459
[grunting and straining]

751
00:49:26,088 --> 00:49:28,757
I feel that in my belly button.

752
00:49:33,929 --> 00:49:36,390
It feels like doing
burpees up a hill.

753
00:49:36,474 --> 00:49:39,560
Marc!

754
00:49:39,643 --> 00:49:42,688
[shouting]

755
00:49:47,902 --> 00:49:50,196
C.

756
00:49:50,279 --> 00:49:54,158
Oh!

757
00:49:54,241 --> 00:49:58,162
Come on.
You got this, buddy.

758
00:49:58,245 --> 00:50:00,956
Who are you?

759
00:50:03,000 --> 00:50:04,418
I live across the street.

760
00:50:04,502 --> 00:50:07,129
I saw you doing
burpees up the hill.

761
00:50:07,213 --> 00:50:10,424
You got this.
You got this, bud.

762
00:50:10,508 --> 00:50:12,927
Conner!

763
00:50:13,010 --> 00:50:14,803
I want to be
the Justin Timberlake

764
00:50:14,887 --> 00:50:17,932
in "The Social Network"
for Mark C. Conner.

765
00:50:20,351 --> 00:50:22,228
I want to take him out
for sushi,

766
00:50:22,311 --> 00:50:24,897
dazzle him over appletinis,
and then, on my way out,

767
00:50:24,939 --> 00:50:28,442
be like, oh, and hey, Marc,
one more thing.

768
00:50:28,484 --> 00:50:30,444
Drop the C.

769
00:50:30,486 --> 00:50:33,948
[vocalizing]

770
00:50:33,989 --> 00:50:37,910
Trent Reznor, a Trent Reznor,
a Trent Reznor.

771
00:50:40,329 --> 00:50:42,748
Look, Marc, Marc,

772
00:50:42,831 --> 00:50:44,875
if the C means
so goddamn much to you,

773
00:50:44,959 --> 00:50:47,127
drop the Marc and the Conner
and just go by C.

774
00:50:47,211 --> 00:50:50,339
[vocalizing]

775
00:50:52,633 --> 00:50:56,679
This guy starts going by C.

776
00:51:08,107 --> 00:51:12,027
I'm sending him my panties.

777
00:51:18,951 --> 00:51:21,495
Yeah, I bet you've never
seen Seth Meyers

778
00:51:21,537 --> 00:51:23,998
do this kind of mic play.

779
00:51:29,211 --> 00:51:33,215
Lorne Michaels would put one
in my leg if he saw this.

780
00:51:40,681 --> 00:51:42,516
In my dressing room all day,

781
00:51:42,558 --> 00:51:45,311
just don't talk
about Seth Meyers.

782
00:51:50,024 --> 00:51:52,901
Just get through the night
without talking about--

783
00:51:56,071 --> 00:51:58,324
This guy starts going by C.,

784
00:51:58,365 --> 00:52:01,660
we're going to see him popping
up on tour with Killer Mike.

785
00:52:03,954 --> 00:52:08,375
Come November, he's just
going to be in the back,

786
00:52:08,459 --> 00:52:11,587
doing the cleanest C. walk.

787
00:52:16,216 --> 00:52:19,428
Were you worried about me
when I went down on the stool?

788
00:52:19,511 --> 00:52:21,597
A little.
The impact was hard.

789
00:52:21,680 --> 00:52:23,182
Don't worry.

790
00:52:23,265 --> 00:52:25,434
The community has always
been very concerned about me.

791
00:52:25,517 --> 00:52:27,269
This is a good anecdote
about that.

792
00:52:27,353 --> 00:52:28,729
OK.

793
00:52:28,812 --> 00:52:31,023
I was in sixth grade,
end of the year lake party,

794
00:52:31,106 --> 00:52:33,275
hosted by the coolest girl
in my grade.

795
00:52:33,359 --> 00:52:35,235
Now, she had an older brother
in eighth grade

796
00:52:35,319 --> 00:52:38,113
who was a known psychopath
in the community.

797
00:52:38,197 --> 00:52:39,615
He famously spent
a brief stint

798
00:52:39,698 --> 00:52:41,867
in a juvenile correctional
center for beating up

799
00:52:41,950 --> 00:52:44,495
an adult security guard.

800
00:52:44,578 --> 00:52:46,747
Lake kids
in Central Massachusetts

801
00:52:46,789 --> 00:52:48,874
are not fucking around.

802
00:52:48,957 --> 00:52:51,710
OK, so I get to the
end of the year lake party.

803
00:52:51,794 --> 00:52:54,838
And he, the brother,
is on the dock.

804
00:52:54,922 --> 00:52:58,258
And he is throwing my peers
one by one into the lake.

805
00:52:58,342 --> 00:53:01,303
[grunting]

806
00:53:04,640 --> 00:53:06,100
Almost like
a carnival attraction.

807
00:53:06,141 --> 00:53:07,935
They're all lined up.

808
00:53:08,018 --> 00:53:09,561
I'm like, hell, yeah,
this looks great.

809
00:53:09,645 --> 00:53:11,105
I line up.

810
00:53:11,146 --> 00:53:14,149
[whistling]

811
00:53:14,233 --> 00:53:17,403
[grunting]

812
00:53:17,486 --> 00:53:19,780
It gets to my turn.
He stops.

813
00:53:19,822 --> 00:53:21,240
He looks down at me.

814
00:53:21,323 --> 00:53:23,617
He goes,

815
00:53:23,659 --> 00:53:26,662
Chris, are you sure
you want this?

816
00:53:35,504 --> 00:53:38,757
First of all,
I didn't know you spoke.

817
00:53:41,760 --> 00:53:46,223
Second of all, what are you
picking up on in me

818
00:53:46,306 --> 00:53:50,394
that is stirring,
and until now dormant, empathy?

819
00:53:52,730 --> 00:53:55,607
Throw me in the lake!

820
00:53:57,192 --> 00:54:01,113
No, Chris, I cannot, in good
faith, throw you in the lake.

821
00:54:04,700 --> 00:54:06,160
I just saw you throw
a fourth grader

822
00:54:06,201 --> 00:54:09,413
in her street Delia's
40 feet into the air.

823
00:54:09,496 --> 00:54:12,541
Throw me in the drink.

824
00:54:14,543 --> 00:54:18,338
Hey, what's the hold up?

825
00:54:18,422 --> 00:54:19,673
I don't know.

826
00:54:19,715 --> 00:54:24,803
He sees something in me
that he deems unthrowable.

827
00:54:24,887 --> 00:54:27,514
Yeah, I could see that.

828
00:54:30,309 --> 00:54:33,812
I don't really have
the language for it yet.

829
00:54:38,233 --> 00:54:43,197
But I bet there's a term in
German or Japanese for it,

830
00:54:43,238 --> 00:54:46,950
like a paragraph.

831
00:54:47,034 --> 00:54:49,495
OK, Chris, here's what
we're going to do.

832
00:54:49,578 --> 00:54:52,372
I'm going to hold you
around the waist.

833
00:54:52,456 --> 00:54:54,041
And we're going
to count down from three,

834
00:54:54,124 --> 00:54:58,879
and then you're going
to throw yourself

835
00:54:58,962 --> 00:55:01,381
into the lake.

836
00:55:01,465 --> 00:55:04,301
Oh, like staged combat?

837
00:55:07,262 --> 00:55:10,307
I came here to get away
from the theater!

838
00:55:12,267 --> 00:55:15,354
Fade to black, executive
producer, Mike Birbiglia.

839
00:55:21,276 --> 00:55:25,030
Mike Birbiglia, Jesus Christ.

840
00:55:25,072 --> 00:55:27,407
That guy looks like a father
and son Freaky Fridayed

841
00:55:27,491 --> 00:55:29,409
into the same body.

842
00:55:29,451 --> 00:55:30,702
My God!

843
00:55:34,039 --> 00:55:37,751
[laughs]

844
00:55:37,793 --> 00:55:41,755
He looks like he sells
Wordle spoilers to the FBI.

845
00:55:41,797 --> 00:55:43,715
Come on!

846
00:55:47,803 --> 00:55:50,013
You know, we were talking
Marc C. Conner earlier.

847
00:55:50,097 --> 00:55:52,224
I went to school--
he's the president of Skidmore.

848
00:55:52,307 --> 00:55:54,601
I went to college there.

849
00:55:54,685 --> 00:55:56,228
The last vacation--
first of all,

850
00:55:56,311 --> 00:55:57,896
I don't believe in vacations.

851
00:55:57,980 --> 00:56:00,107
I think vacations are for
children and Dua Lipa.

852
00:56:00,148 --> 00:56:04,945
And the last vacation
I took was 2017.

853
00:56:04,987 --> 00:56:08,991
And I overdrew my bank account
in a luxury hat store.

854
00:56:17,833 --> 00:56:21,420
The hat store was in
Saratoga Springs,

855
00:56:21,461 --> 00:56:24,131
New York, which is like--
it's like a horse racing town.

856
00:56:24,172 --> 00:56:26,008
So we're talking
sinister wealth.

857
00:56:26,091 --> 00:56:28,802
Just, ha ha ha ha.

858
00:56:28,844 --> 00:56:31,471
Me and my guy friends,
we're nostalgia freaks.

859
00:56:31,555 --> 00:56:33,348
So we went back to--
and someone told me recently

860
00:56:33,432 --> 00:56:34,850
that nostalgia used
to be considered

861
00:56:34,933 --> 00:56:37,352
like a pretty serious
mental illness

862
00:56:37,436 --> 00:56:38,812
back in the pioneer days.

863
00:56:38,854 --> 00:56:40,147
Like, you could even be
quarantined for showing

864
00:56:40,188 --> 00:56:41,857
signs of nostalgia.

865
00:56:41,940 --> 00:56:44,860
So if you were like, ah.

866
00:56:54,202 --> 00:56:56,872
I miss Christmas time.

867
00:57:00,250 --> 00:57:02,669
Get away from her, boys.

868
00:57:02,753 --> 00:57:05,505
She aren't well, sons.

869
00:57:05,589 --> 00:57:07,299
Why, Daddy?
Be it typhus?

870
00:57:07,382 --> 00:57:09,092
No, no, no, no.

871
00:57:09,176 --> 00:57:12,596
It not be typhus.

872
00:57:12,679 --> 00:57:15,182
It be the nostalgia.

873
00:57:15,223 --> 00:57:16,808
Listen to me, sons.

874
00:57:16,892 --> 00:57:19,478
If you ever see your papa
after a couple of whiskeys,

875
00:57:19,561 --> 00:57:22,022
lighting a candle and
going backwards in time

876
00:57:22,064 --> 00:57:27,361
in me Facebook photos,

877
00:57:27,444 --> 00:57:32,366
while listening
to the Animal Collective

878
00:57:32,407 --> 00:57:35,827
or the Passion Pit,

879
00:57:35,911 --> 00:57:37,371
do me a favor, sons.

880
00:57:37,454 --> 00:57:41,833
Kill me like you would a
chicken or a "mosquitee."

881
00:57:41,917 --> 00:57:45,379
Hurt your papa
permanently, boys.

882
00:57:45,462 --> 00:57:48,882
That seems a little extreme,
doesn't it, Daddy?

883
00:57:48,966 --> 00:57:50,884
No.
You want to know extreme?

884
00:57:50,926 --> 00:57:56,723
Longing for a Girl Talk concert
that happened in 2008.

885
00:57:56,807 --> 00:58:01,228
That was just him
holding two boomboxes!

886
00:58:01,269 --> 00:58:03,480
OK, so...

887
00:58:06,942 --> 00:58:10,654
The hat store in which
I overdrew my bank account

888
00:58:10,737 --> 00:58:14,241
was a place called Hatsational.

889
00:58:14,324 --> 00:58:17,327
There is such high demand
for luxury headwear

890
00:58:17,411 --> 00:58:21,248
in Saratoga Springs, New York,
that there are two Hatsationals

891
00:58:21,289 --> 00:58:23,917
0.1 miles from each other.

892
00:58:24,001 --> 00:58:26,253
Something you've got to know
about Hatsational,

893
00:58:26,294 --> 00:58:30,424
time doesn't flow there
the way you and I

894
00:58:30,465 --> 00:58:32,926
are used to time flowing.

895
00:58:33,010 --> 00:58:37,597
It's ruled over by
a 14-year-old boy.

896
00:58:37,639 --> 00:58:40,267
And he claims status.

897
00:58:40,308 --> 00:58:41,977
He is decked out in formalwear.

898
00:58:42,060 --> 00:58:43,937
And I'm not talking
black tie formal.

899
00:58:44,021 --> 00:58:47,149
I'm talking jazz-age
tycoon formal.

900
00:58:49,693 --> 00:58:52,487
And he's very-- he's quiet,
but not because he's shy,

901
00:58:52,571 --> 00:58:55,282
because he doesn't
respect you enough

902
00:58:55,323 --> 00:58:58,285
to raise the volume
of his voice.

903
00:58:58,326 --> 00:59:00,412
[mutters]

904
00:59:03,123 --> 00:59:04,291
I'm sorry.
What was that?

905
00:59:04,374 --> 00:59:06,668
[muttering] I mean, of course,
you didn't hear me.

906
00:59:10,630 --> 00:59:12,466
There are older women
who work there, too,

907
00:59:12,507 --> 00:59:16,303
but they all defer to
this imp in a derby.

908
00:59:16,386 --> 00:59:19,222
The age play is very Miyazaki.

909
00:59:24,811 --> 00:59:26,688
And they're all high
on their own supply,

910
00:59:26,772 --> 00:59:30,317
meaning they are
wearing the hats--

911
00:59:30,358 --> 00:59:33,361
full body fascinators.

912
00:59:35,697 --> 00:59:37,699
The only thing tethering him
to the modern age

913
00:59:37,783 --> 00:59:42,537
is he's got top and bottom
bunk braces.

914
00:59:42,621 --> 00:59:45,832
We made the mistake of trying
to make him feel comfortable,

915
00:59:45,874 --> 00:59:48,877
because we're well into
our 30's, and he's a tween,

916
00:59:48,960 --> 00:59:51,171
but what we fail to take
into consideration

917
00:59:51,213 --> 00:59:53,673
is what unlimited access
to luxury headwear

918
00:59:53,757 --> 00:59:57,761
does to the tween age ego.

919
00:59:57,844 --> 01:00:00,597
I don't think we've seen
anything like it in the West.

920
01:00:03,350 --> 01:00:05,477
I think the closest comparison
might be in Tibet

921
01:00:05,560 --> 01:00:10,357
when the Dalai Lama
is selected as a boy,

922
01:00:10,398 --> 01:00:12,317
what that would do
to pump up the ego.

923
01:00:12,400 --> 01:00:15,112
It seems like
he's always been there,

924
01:00:15,195 --> 01:00:19,157
like he failed some sorcerer's
test in the '20s.

925
01:00:19,241 --> 01:00:21,284
He had eyes that
had seen Prussia.

926
01:00:21,368 --> 01:00:23,453
Like, he's--

927
01:00:25,539 --> 01:00:27,499
It seems like he was
just cursed to work

928
01:00:27,582 --> 01:00:29,251
between both Hatsationals.

929
01:00:29,334 --> 01:00:31,044
You could go into
one Hatsational,

930
01:00:31,086 --> 01:00:32,420
and he's there in a derby.

931
01:00:32,504 --> 01:00:34,339
And you could sprint
to the other one.

932
01:00:34,422 --> 01:00:38,051
And he's-- I mean, of course.

933
01:00:38,135 --> 01:00:40,512
Of course, I'm here, too.

934
01:00:40,595 --> 01:00:43,265
Where do you think I would be?

935
01:00:43,348 --> 01:00:45,559
He's in, like,
a vertical fedora,

936
01:00:45,600 --> 01:00:48,061
looking like
Hannibal Lecter

937
01:00:48,103 --> 01:00:50,730
when they find him
in Costa Rica.

938
01:00:50,814 --> 01:00:51,857
Mm.

939
01:00:55,110 --> 01:00:57,112
Another thing you got to
know about Hatsational,

940
01:00:57,195 --> 01:00:58,655
it's price prohibitive.

941
01:00:58,738 --> 01:01:00,407
You go to try on the hats.

942
01:01:00,448 --> 01:01:02,909
You do not buy the hats.

943
01:01:02,993 --> 01:01:06,413
So me and my guy friends
were trying on the hats.

944
01:01:06,496 --> 01:01:08,081
I'm being very encouraging.

945
01:01:08,123 --> 01:01:10,208
Oh, my God, Jerry,
you look amazing in that hat.

946
01:01:10,292 --> 01:01:13,211
Buck, you look so French
in that hat.

947
01:01:13,253 --> 01:01:18,675
The tween is guarding,
like, the best hats

948
01:01:18,758 --> 01:01:20,594
for, like, poachers
and war criminals,

949
01:01:20,635 --> 01:01:23,597
and just
the generally indecent.

950
01:01:23,680 --> 01:01:26,933
And God forbid one of us
tries on a hat the wrong way.

951
01:01:27,017 --> 01:01:29,477
He is beside himself.

952
01:01:36,151 --> 01:01:37,277
We have our fun.

953
01:01:37,319 --> 01:01:38,778
I'm like,
let's get out of here.

954
01:01:38,820 --> 01:01:39,946
OK.
I'm like, thank you so much.

955
01:01:40,030 --> 01:01:41,281
I'm the spokesperson,
of course.

956
01:01:41,323 --> 01:01:43,408
Thank you so much.

957
01:01:43,491 --> 01:01:45,994
We've had such a great time
trying on your hats.

958
01:01:46,077 --> 01:01:48,121
Thank you.
We'll be back.

959
01:01:48,205 --> 01:01:51,791
As I'm walking out, I hear him
turn to the old ladies,

960
01:01:51,833 --> 01:01:56,004
and he goes,
I knew they were be-backers.

961
01:02:01,801 --> 01:02:05,472
I'm sorry.
What the fuck did you just say?

962
01:02:05,555 --> 01:02:06,765
I said I knew you
were be-backers.

963
01:02:06,848 --> 01:02:08,433
And what's a be-backer?

964
01:02:08,516 --> 01:02:09,809
Somebody who comes in and
tries on a bunch of hats,

965
01:02:09,893 --> 01:02:11,061
says they're going
to come back,

966
01:02:11,144 --> 01:02:13,104
and they never do come back.

967
01:02:23,031 --> 01:02:26,743
Oh, you think we're be-backers?

968
01:02:26,826 --> 01:02:29,037
Chris, let's get
out of here, man.

969
01:02:35,043 --> 01:02:39,256
I'm not going to let
this little art deco bastard...

970
01:02:42,801 --> 01:02:45,387
This he-flapper...

971
01:02:51,268 --> 01:02:54,521
Slander my squad.

972
01:02:58,900 --> 01:03:04,239
I'm not going to let this
prepubescent West-Egg biatch...

973
01:03:08,785 --> 01:03:12,831
Call me and three of
the finest guys I know

974
01:03:12,914 --> 01:03:15,709
be-backers,

975
01:03:15,750 --> 01:03:19,421
a term I'm hearing
for the first time.

976
01:03:22,048 --> 01:03:27,721
A term that bears
no cultural weight,

977
01:03:27,804 --> 01:03:31,016
a term born out of the twisted,
demented minds

978
01:03:31,099 --> 01:03:35,103
of these jazz-age
retail charlatans.

979
01:03:37,480 --> 01:03:40,400
I'm going to prove to him
that we are not be-back--

980
01:03:40,442 --> 01:03:44,612
nah, Chris, man,
you've had a lot of ciders.

981
01:03:44,696 --> 01:03:46,823
No, I haven't.

982
01:03:48,700 --> 01:03:51,328
I haven't had a lot of ciders.

983
01:03:56,124 --> 01:03:58,001
Hey, son.

984
01:04:00,879 --> 01:04:02,213
How much for that hat
right there?

985
01:04:02,297 --> 01:04:03,757
Yeah, Jerry,
you like that hat, right?

986
01:04:03,798 --> 01:04:07,552
Oh, no, Chris,
not enough to buy it, man.

987
01:04:07,635 --> 01:04:08,595
How much is that?

988
01:04:08,678 --> 01:04:11,598
It's $120. Why?

989
01:04:11,681 --> 01:04:13,183
Put it in the bag.

990
01:04:13,266 --> 01:04:16,353
Nah, come-- nah.

991
01:04:16,436 --> 01:04:17,771
Buck, you like that hat, right?

992
01:04:17,812 --> 01:04:19,856
Well, yeah, I think I looked
pretty French in that hat.

993
01:04:19,939 --> 01:04:21,274
OK.
Yeah, put that one in.

994
01:04:21,358 --> 01:04:22,859
And Rory, you liked that one?

995
01:04:22,942 --> 01:04:24,069
Oh, yeah, I think
I look like Rod Stewart

996
01:04:24,152 --> 01:04:25,111
in the 1980s in that hat.

997
01:04:25,153 --> 01:04:26,780
Yeah, you didn't,
but, yeah, put that in.

998
01:04:26,863 --> 01:04:28,114
That's fine.

999
01:04:28,198 --> 01:04:30,283
And whatever bullshit
I was wearing.

1000
01:04:30,325 --> 01:04:31,451
And how much is all that?

1001
01:04:31,493 --> 01:04:34,746
It's $560.

1002
01:04:50,512 --> 01:04:53,306
Are we still be-backers?

1003
01:04:53,348 --> 01:04:56,184
I don't know.
I don't even--

1004
01:04:56,267 --> 01:05:00,146
That's what I thought,
motherfucker.

1005
01:05:00,188 --> 01:05:01,481
[imitates phone buzzing]

1006
01:05:01,564 --> 01:05:04,484
You've overdrawn
your bank account.

1007
01:05:06,694 --> 01:05:11,199
Now, I know you're thinking,
Chris, guy friends?

1008
01:05:14,994 --> 01:05:16,329
Yeah.
What are they, Funko pops?

1009
01:05:16,371 --> 01:05:19,499
Yeah, show us the guy friends.

1010
01:05:19,541 --> 01:05:20,834
Chris, none of this adds up.

1011
01:05:20,917 --> 01:05:23,336
OK, well, you know.

1012
01:05:23,378 --> 01:05:26,673
[upbeat jazzy music]

1013
01:05:26,756 --> 01:05:33,805
♪ ♪

1014
01:05:43,106 --> 01:05:44,357
Look at the regret.

1015
01:05:44,441 --> 01:05:47,402
Look at the regret
on these faces.

1016
01:05:52,323 --> 01:05:56,870
Look at this tragic polycule.

1017
01:05:56,953 --> 01:06:00,540
You walk into a bar and you
see these three guys on a stage

1018
01:06:00,582 --> 01:06:03,084
putting gear back
into guitar cases,

1019
01:06:03,168 --> 01:06:05,670
you go, thank God
we missed that.

1020
01:06:05,753 --> 01:06:08,548
Thank God we missed

1021
01:06:08,631 --> 01:06:12,927
that two-hour acoustic cover
of "Uptown Funk."

1022
01:06:16,931 --> 01:06:18,975
We had a pretty
rough conversation recently

1023
01:06:19,058 --> 01:06:22,687
where we all admitted to having
never worn these hats...

1024
01:06:26,608 --> 01:06:30,904
Ever again.

1025
01:06:30,987 --> 01:06:32,739
And I can feel
what you're thinking.

1026
01:06:32,822 --> 01:06:35,241
OK, so the guy friends,

1027
01:06:35,283 --> 01:06:37,911
OK, they check out.

1028
01:06:37,994 --> 01:06:41,039
But the evil teen?
Chris, come on.

1029
01:06:41,122 --> 01:06:44,417
That's one of your
hyperbolic delusions.

1030
01:06:44,459 --> 01:06:47,045
You think I'm not going
to bring receipts?

1031
01:06:47,128 --> 01:06:50,757
♪ ♪

1032
01:06:50,840 --> 01:06:53,635
Who do you think I am?

1033
01:06:54,344 --> 01:06:57,305
Who the fuck
do you think I am?

1034
01:06:58,681 --> 01:07:02,393
You think this is a game to me?

1035
01:07:02,477 --> 01:07:06,731
You think I don't take
this job seriously?

1036
01:07:06,814 --> 01:07:11,110
You think this is
a fucking game to me?

1037
01:07:11,194 --> 01:07:13,112
You think I'm not
going to bring receipts

1038
01:07:13,154 --> 01:07:15,907
to Chicago, Illinois?

1039
01:07:15,990 --> 01:07:18,910
[cheers and applause]

1040
01:07:18,993 --> 01:07:22,038
I'm going to tell you something
that you know somatically,

1041
01:07:22,121 --> 01:07:25,083
if not intellectually.

1042
01:07:25,166 --> 01:07:27,210
He's older than them.

1043
01:07:38,471 --> 01:07:41,224
These three are by
no means good people.

1044
01:07:45,270 --> 01:07:48,898
They've done things that would
make your blood run cold.

1045
01:07:51,859 --> 01:07:54,654
But next to
this ancient demon...

1046
01:07:58,950 --> 01:08:01,703
Why, they're Greta Thunberg.

1047
01:08:09,752 --> 01:08:12,797
Look how tight
he's holding him.

1048
01:08:15,925 --> 01:08:20,470
Trying to hold him back.

1049
01:08:20,513 --> 01:08:24,392
And he's smiling because
he knows he can break free.

1050
01:08:29,689 --> 01:08:33,192
Get him out of here.

1051
01:08:33,234 --> 01:08:36,279
[cheers and applause]

1052
01:08:39,198 --> 01:08:42,410
What do you mean,
the cameras weren't on?

1053
01:08:49,250 --> 01:08:51,961
Sorry, sorry, sorry,
sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

1054
01:08:54,421 --> 01:08:55,923
You ever get the boot
on your car?

1055
01:08:56,006 --> 01:08:58,426
Oh, my God.
I love the boot.

1056
01:08:58,509 --> 01:08:59,886
It's what you get when
you've been parked somewhere

1057
01:08:59,926 --> 01:09:03,055
for an insane amount of time.

1058
01:09:03,096 --> 01:09:04,390
It's humiliating.

1059
01:09:04,474 --> 01:09:06,725
It's like a dunce cap
for your car.

1060
01:09:06,809 --> 01:09:08,227
And people have
no dignity when they

1061
01:09:08,269 --> 01:09:09,854
see a car with the boot on it.

1062
01:09:09,895 --> 01:09:13,858
Like, librarians will
be like, oh, shit!

1063
01:09:13,941 --> 01:09:16,569
[screaming]

1064
01:09:16,611 --> 01:09:19,113
He got the boot!

1065
01:09:21,783 --> 01:09:24,243
Jesus Christ!

1066
01:09:24,327 --> 01:09:27,747
Are you doing
the crip walk right now?

1067
01:09:27,788 --> 01:09:31,709
What I like about the boot
is it's the last element

1068
01:09:31,792 --> 01:09:35,587
of modern law that feels like
the wrath of a sorcerer,

1069
01:09:35,671 --> 01:09:37,631
you know?

1070
01:09:48,350 --> 01:09:51,395
[maniacal laughter]

1071
01:09:54,649 --> 01:09:58,277
You've been parked there
too long!

1072
01:10:00,822 --> 01:10:04,701
Now you must stay there!

1073
01:10:06,077 --> 01:10:09,122
[maniacal laughter]

1074
01:10:12,667 --> 01:10:16,587
[cheers and applause]

1075
01:10:25,138 --> 01:10:27,390
You've been a wonderful crowd.
Let's end on a song.

1076
01:10:27,473 --> 01:10:31,060
Thank you so much.

1077
01:10:31,144 --> 01:10:32,729
Let's get some dramatic lights.

1078
01:10:32,812 --> 01:10:34,439
Thank you.

1079
01:10:43,990 --> 01:10:46,909
[Chris Fleming's
"Haunted House" plays]

1080
01:10:46,993 --> 01:10:49,912
[uneasy music]

1081
01:10:49,996 --> 01:10:56,627
♪ ♪

1082
01:10:56,669 --> 01:11:02,550
♪ Sometimes I think
I miss the point of things ♪

1083
01:11:02,633 --> 01:11:06,846
♪ Like one time
in a haunted house ♪

1084
01:11:06,929 --> 01:11:10,141
♪ What scared me the most ♪

1085
01:11:10,224 --> 01:11:13,227
♪ Made no sense at all ♪

1086
01:11:13,311 --> 01:11:15,855
♪ Don't get me wrong ♪

1087
01:11:15,897 --> 01:11:19,692
♪ I was in shambles
the whole time ♪

1088
01:11:19,776 --> 01:11:22,445
♪ You walk in single file ♪

1089
01:11:22,528 --> 01:11:25,656
♪ And things pop out at you ♪

1090
01:11:25,740 --> 01:11:27,533
♪ Demons with chainsaws ♪

1091
01:11:27,575 --> 01:11:28,826
♪ And goat people ♪

1092
01:11:28,910 --> 01:11:30,036
♪ Topless clowns ♪

1093
01:11:30,119 --> 01:11:31,621
♪ Escaped convicts
asking for your help ♪

1094
01:11:31,704 --> 01:11:33,372
♪ I'm barely
getting through it ♪

1095
01:11:33,414 --> 01:11:35,500
♪ I'm saying, no, please no ♪

1096
01:11:35,583 --> 01:11:39,504
♪ But the thing that makes me
scream uncontrollably ♪

1097
01:11:39,587 --> 01:11:40,630
Oh, my God!

1098
01:11:40,713 --> 01:11:43,216
♪ What makes my legs give out ♪

1099
01:11:43,299 --> 01:11:45,718
♪ It's not a ghoul
or a goblin ♪

1100
01:11:45,760 --> 01:11:48,638
♪ No, it's another patron ♪

1101
01:11:48,721 --> 01:11:50,515
♪ A young professional ♪

1102
01:11:50,598 --> 01:11:52,016
♪ I don't know why ♪

1103
01:11:52,099 --> 01:11:54,894
♪ In a tasteful
Madewell outfit ♪

1104
01:11:54,936 --> 01:11:56,771
♪ She wasn't dressed
eccentrically ♪

1105
01:11:56,854 --> 01:11:58,189
♪ This was no goth ♪

1106
01:11:58,272 --> 01:12:00,566
♪ This was a cousin ♪

1107
01:12:00,608 --> 01:12:03,736
♪ And for some reason, after
seeing all that spooky shit ♪

1108
01:12:03,820 --> 01:12:06,405
♪ The sight of this
28-year-old civilian ♪

1109
01:12:06,489 --> 01:12:08,866
♪ Doing nothing weird at all ♪

1110
01:12:08,950 --> 01:12:10,576
♪ Hit me in my horror g-spot ♪

1111
01:12:10,660 --> 01:12:12,370
♪ And I hit the ground
screaming ♪

1112
01:12:12,453 --> 01:12:13,621
♪ And I said, I'm sorry ♪

1113
01:12:13,704 --> 01:12:15,915
♪ I don't know why
I'm having this reaction ♪

1114
01:12:15,998 --> 01:12:19,961
♪ To alleviate my terror,
she starts waving ♪

1115
01:12:20,044 --> 01:12:24,674
♪ Which only makes me
scream louder ♪

1116
01:12:24,757 --> 01:12:26,050
♪ ♪

1117
01:12:26,092 --> 01:12:28,052
♪ So now I'm Shelley Duvall
screaming ♪

1118
01:12:28,135 --> 01:12:30,096
♪ At this woman
who's waving at me ♪

1119
01:12:30,137 --> 01:12:34,934
♪ Like a mayor
on a parade float ♪

1120
01:12:35,017 --> 01:12:38,271
♪ While the scare actors
are looking in confusion ♪

1121
01:12:38,312 --> 01:12:40,731
♪ Wondering why they're being
upstaged by this person ♪

1122
01:12:40,815 --> 01:12:45,403
♪ So benign that she'd
fit seamlessly into the ♪

1123
01:12:45,486 --> 01:12:51,367
♪ Regal Cinemas ♪

1124
01:12:51,450 --> 01:12:56,414
♪ Preshow Presentation ♪

1125
01:12:58,165 --> 01:13:03,629
♪ And what sucks for her is
she's right behind me in line ♪

1126
01:13:03,671 --> 01:13:08,342
♪ So she's seen all
the other freaky shit ♪

1127
01:13:08,426 --> 01:13:13,139
♪ That I've not
reacted this way to ♪

1128
01:13:13,180 --> 01:13:17,351
♪ Like an Old Cockney
strapped on a mattress ♪

1129
01:13:17,435 --> 01:13:20,980
♪ A little boy
wearing a dog mask ♪

1130
01:13:21,063 --> 01:13:23,149
♪ Saying "Jerry Maguire"
lines ♪

1131
01:13:23,190 --> 01:13:24,275
[echoing babble]

1132
01:13:24,358 --> 01:13:27,153
♪ I wish I had the words
to tell her that I'm ♪

1133
01:13:27,236 --> 01:13:30,072
♪ Just an Irish Catholic ♪

1134
01:13:30,156 --> 01:13:33,618
♪ Who doesn't let their screams
out nearly enough ♪

1135
01:13:33,701 --> 01:13:34,660
♪ I'm all lit up ♪

1136
01:13:34,744 --> 01:13:36,829
♪ For example, in 2014 ♪

1137
01:13:36,871 --> 01:13:38,414
♪ I was throwing up so loud ♪

1138
01:13:38,497 --> 01:13:40,166
♪ That my partner
called my mom ♪

1139
01:13:40,207 --> 01:13:42,460
♪ And said, is this normal? ♪

1140
01:13:42,543 --> 01:13:43,669
♪ And my mom said, yes ♪

1141
01:13:43,711 --> 01:13:47,340
♪ Chris is a very
performative vomiter ♪

1142
01:13:47,381 --> 01:13:49,842
♪ The fact that
I was most terrified ♪

1143
01:13:49,926 --> 01:13:52,637
♪ Of another patron
actually puts ♪

1144
01:13:52,678 --> 01:13:56,349
♪ Quite a modern horror spin
on the whole haunted house ♪

1145
01:13:56,432 --> 01:13:59,060
♪ Where all the patrons
are looking and going ♪

1146
01:13:59,143 --> 01:14:03,147
♪ Wait, are we the monster? ♪

1147
01:14:03,230 --> 01:14:05,650
♪ I hate that shit ♪

1148
01:14:05,691 --> 01:14:07,193
♪ You know how in
modern horror movies ♪

1149
01:14:07,234 --> 01:14:09,236
♪ The whole thing'll be
like a little bushy guy ♪

1150
01:14:09,320 --> 01:14:10,696
Eee!

1151
01:14:10,780 --> 01:14:14,533
♪ But they're like, no,
it's about seasonal allergies ♪

1152
01:14:14,617 --> 01:14:17,411
♪ Fuck off! ♪

1153
01:14:17,495 --> 01:14:22,041
♪ Don't tell me "Hereditary" ♪

1154
01:14:22,083 --> 01:14:26,003
♪ Is about motherhood ♪

1155
01:14:26,045 --> 01:14:30,800
♪ It's about how scary
a group of naked adults are ♪

1156
01:14:30,883 --> 01:14:33,719
♪ In fluorescent lights ♪

1157
01:14:33,761 --> 01:14:37,473
[cheers and applause]
Thank you, Chicago.

1158
01:14:39,433 --> 01:14:42,103
Thank you so much.

1159
01:14:45,982 --> 01:14:47,358
[FM-84's
"Running in the Night"

1160
01:14:47,441 --> 01:14:49,151
- ♪ Oh, I'm running ♪

1161
01:14:49,235 --> 01:14:51,570
♪ In the night so soon ♪

1162
01:14:51,612 --> 01:14:55,074
♪ I've got nothing left
to lose ♪

1163
01:14:55,157 --> 01:14:58,911
♪ I'm leaving it all behind ♪

1164
01:14:58,995 --> 01:15:02,081
♪ Running in the night
with you ♪

1165
01:15:02,164 --> 01:15:05,751
♪ I won't let you
get away again ♪

1166
01:15:05,835 --> 01:15:10,256
♪ We can see you through
till the end ♪

1167
01:15:10,297 --> 01:15:13,217
♪ But whatever we do ♪

1168
01:15:13,300 --> 01:15:16,971
♪ I'm running in the night
with you ♪

1169
01:15:17,054 --> 01:15:20,266
♪ ♪

1170
01:15:20,349 --> 01:15:23,978
[vocalizes]

1171
01:15:24,061 --> 01:15:29,275
♪ Running in the night ♪

1172
01:15:29,358 --> 01:15:32,111
♪ Oh ♪

1173
01:15:32,153 --> 01:15:34,905
♪ I'm running in the night
so soon ♪

1174
01:15:34,947 --> 01:15:38,242
♪ I'm running in the night
with you ♪

1175
01:15:46,333 --> 01:15:48,419
[bright tone]