Welcome to day 37 of The Box.
- Twice in one week. - It's my new favorite show.
Liking those numbers, huh?
Liking them? They're what I think about
when I'm screwing my wife.
I really think we need to cut this whole bit with the boat.
- No, you can't do that. - You can't.
You need the boat bit.
Darling, sometimes you have
to let the words go.
Do we?
Where are we on my fucking window?
You're an actor.
Act like there's a window.
You're a producer.
Go fuck yourself.
Let 's do it. You don' t need to mark it again?
No, no, no, I'm good. Let's go.
- Okay, on three. One, two... - Mm-hmm.
Wait, is it on three?
- Good news? - You know that guy
who got my part in the NBC pilot?
Anthony Powner Smith.
Just had a kickboxing accident.
Paralyzed!
Oh, my God.
Well, temporarily... but long enough
that he can't do the pilot.
You won't leave your house.
You're stoned before breakfast.
And you look like...
I look like what?
You look like what I imagine you'd look like
if you'd never left Michigan.
Mr. Lapidus, Matt LeBlanc,
he's kind of having a sex thing with Danika.
Do me a favor, Kenny.
Switch the live feed to Danika's box.
Are you sure?
Absolutely.
I take full responsibility.
Ah, that's nice.
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- Have you seen this? - What?
The Matt LeBlanc show? Oh, yeah.
It's unbelievable.
What the hell was he thinking?
What was who thinking?
Are you kidding?
How have you not seen it?
Mm?
Mm.
Mm!
Jesus, it's fucking everywhere!
Elliot Salad on one.
Shit.
Uh...
tell him you can't find me.
Then get me Roger Riskin!
Helen Basch on one.
Shit.
Uh, tell her I'm in a meeting. Any luck?
I tried Malibu. I tried his ranch.
Try the vineyard.
Voice mail.
Fuck!
Well, keep trying.
Booth.
Yes, he is. Hold on.
Helen Basch for you.
Hello.
What kind of swirling vortex
of fuckup are you running over there?
No, no, no, no, no, you're not putting this on me.
It's not my job to keep his dick in his pants.
It's your job not to put it on television.
Who's watching the fucking monitors?
Believe me, that putz is long gone.
I canned his ass so fast.
Yeah, well, you're the one who put him in that booth.
- This is on you. - Bullshit.
Who made me hire LeBlanc in the first place?
Oh, no, you don't.
I gave you a whole list of hosts.
You gave me a stack of obituaries.
They weren't all dead.
All right.
Enough with the finger-pointing. So now what?
Dump him.
Are you crazy?
We don't need that asshole.
This show's been a hit in 41 countries without him.
No, it's the one thing I've got that's working.
- I'm not screwing with it. - It's already screwed.
America can't unsee what they saw.
America saw Ruby shoot Oswald. They'll get over it.
Look, I'm just gonna say one thing,
and I-I'm not pointing fingers.
This never would've happened
if we had gone with Art Fleming.
Art Fleming's been dead for 20 years!
Jesus, is it that long?
What am I looking at?
Just watch.
Oh...
Oh... my...
Mm-hmm.
No... oh.
No.
No, no, no.
Please tell me he's not gonna take it...
Oh, he took it out!
- There's more. - Mo-more?
Oh.
Oh! Good Lord.
Look at him go. I swear I just saw a spark.
Not over.
N-no.
No.
No. Oh!
No.
Ah! Tell me it's over.
Did he shake it yet?
- Just did. - It's over.
Oh. Oh!
It just passed 15 million views.
That's more than watch the fucking show.
It's already bigger than that chicken getting bar mitzvahed.
That really made me laugh.
He had a little yarmulke.
Patty, call Roger again!
Tell him I know that little shit's
- not in a meeting! - Okay.
Pepsi just pulled out, and Ford is waffling.
God damn it.
Maybe we should preempt tonight.
- And run what? - I'd run the tape.
Roger's supposedly
still in a meeting, and Elliot Salad's on one.
Again.
Elliot.
Tell me we can fix this.
We're on it.
You hear that we lost Pepsi and Ford?
I heard Ford was waffling.
Well, whatever comes after waffling, they just did.
Also Kraft Mayonnaise.
Well, that makes sense.
It's visceral.
Oh, and we just had a call from the FCC.
They're raising questions about the integrity of the game.
Well, I've got Legal making sure
he didn't actually break any rules.
The rules?
Nobody understands those fucking rules.
This is about perception.
It looks like he broke the rules.
It looks like he broke the rules all over that box!
Mm.
Helen Basch on one.
She says pick up or she's coming over with a bat.
Fuck.
Good timing.
My meeting just ended. What can I do for you?
How about you invent a time machine,
go back to yesterday,
and cock-block your fucking client?
- Saw it, did you? - I saw it.
I think it's safe to say everyone but Andrea Bocelli
and that blind dog on YouTube saw it.
What blind dog on YouTube?
Oh, I'll send you the link. It barks 'Georgia on My Mind.'
Mm.
Look, Matt feels terrible.
He knows this was a massive lapse of judgment.
He'd love to speak to you and explain.
Fine, patch him in.
Uh,
we can totally do that.
Except, um, at the moment...
You haven't even talked to him, have you?
As of right now, I believe I have not.
Well, when you do,
he better have a fucking miracle of an explanation,
because I need a really good reason not to fire his ass.
Why are we still discussing this?
Just get rid of him.
Not till I hear his side of it.
Who cares about his side?
If this were any other game show...
What if you saw a video of Alex Trebek
jerking off on some contestant?
'What is not on my face,' Alex?
There's no show without him.
He's the show!
Bullshit.
The show's the show.
Look at Millionaire.
Regis left years ago and it's still going strong.
Who knows who's hosting it now?
Not Art Fleming.
Mm.
Hi, honey, it's Beth.
- Mm. - So it's a clusterfuck.
What?
You, last night.
What?
You know, I'm gonna conference Roger in.
Hey, bud.
What's going on?
We've got a bit of a problem here.
With what?
That little show you did last night?
Ah, you watched my show?
Oh, pretty much everyone watched your show.
Huh?
- The girl? - What girl?
Box number two?
Without the pants?
How do you know about that?
Um, 'cause I' m looking at it right now.
- You're looking at it? - From the feed.
- What feed? - The 24-hour feed?
You know how at the end of every show, you say,
'Remember to follow us live online, 24 hours a day'?
That's what that means.
- Yup. - Yup.
Oh, shit.
Where is it?
Oh, it's pretty much everywhere.
If you go to your kitchen,
your microwave's probably showing it.
Fuck.
Holy crap.
What's he doing?
Just watch.
Whoa.
You could see that thing from space.
Oh, my God!
You're welcome.
No.
Rosa just showed up. Shit.
Rosa?
My maid.
Is it Tuesday again?
Uh, yeah, it's been happening every week right around now.
Shit! She's getting out of the car.
Is this some kind of murdering maid?
Probably. I haven't paid her in, like, four weeks.
- Why? - 'Cause I' ve been
saving up to buy a pony.
- I'm broke! - That broke?
Yes, that broke.
Then why not just let her go?
I don't want to lose her.
No, of course not.
Oh, fuck!
Here she comes.
I'm gonna dead-bolt the door.
What's happening?
Shh!
Oh!
Hey, Rosa.
Hola.
Uh, I was just looking for my, um,
um...
Dignity?
I...
Jesus.
Well, can't they just take the fucking thing down?
Honey, it's the Internet. There is no down.
So, uh, not to judge, but...
what the hell were you thinking?
I don't know.
I guess I was thinking,
'I sure wish I could get through that glass.'
Y-you're not getting how serious this is.
Look, I had a few beers. She was hot.
Realistically, how else was that gonna end?
Well, it might end with you out of a job.
Oh, come on.
They're freaking out over there.
It had nothing to do with their stupid game.
They're saying it looks like
you're giving one contestant
preferential treatment.
Fine.
I'll whack off on all their boxes.
Yeah, I'm not writing this down.
Wait a minute, if they fire me,
- they still have to pay me, right? - No.
I thought we had a pay-or-play deal.
There's a morals clause.
A morals clause?
You never told me there was a morals clause.
I never thought it would matter.
With me?
You know what?
If they want to fire me, then fuck 'em.
You can 't fuck' em.
Oh, I can fuck 'em.
- What about the money? - Fuck the money.
Never fuck the money!
You can't afford to fuck the money.
You know that.
So now what?
Beth?
Well, you start by releasing a statement
accepting full responsibility for your actions.
Fine.
You apologize
to the network and to your fans.
You acknowledge you have a serious problem.
And then you say you're going into rehab
for sexual addiction.
No!
Look, this is bullshit.
I'm calling the network.
Do not call the network.
We will handle it.
I'm calling Elliot Salad.
Do not call Elliot Salad.
Why not? He loves me.
Listen to me,
do not call Elliot Salad.
I'm calling Elliot Salad.
I'm begging you,
do not call Elliot Salad!
You can't stop me from calling Elliot Salad.
I'm calling Elliot Salad.
Matt LeBlanc on one.
Yeah?
I need Elliot Salad's number.
What happened to me?
I was important.
I had a career.
People brought me lunch.
They kissed my ass.
Now look at it.
It's just an ass.
Do you need to get that?
Mm.
It's like,
I remember this one particular day.
I was in New York for the up-fronts.
It was my first one.
I was so young.
And... in that one day,
I was in the room when they canceled the John Stamos show;
I saw Brooke Shields
in the lobby of my hotel;
and that night,
I blew Wilmer Valderrama
in the bathroom at the after party.
It was just the most magical day.
And I thought,
'Oh, my God.
Look at my life.'
And now?
Oh, my God.
Look at my life.
By the way,
thank you again for taking my watch.
It looks really good on you.
And I'm telling you it's worth
so much more than four weeks' pay.
You did very well, my friend.
Kelsey Grammer once called me 'fetching.'
This is out.
Matt LeBlanc on one.
Shit.
Hello.
Hey, Elliot.
How's it going?
I've been better.
Yeah, look...
I don't know what to say.
I am so sorry.
It was beyond stupid.
I cannot disagree.
If I could undo it, I would. I swear.
I feel terrible.
Well, you should.
What the hell was going through that brain of yours?
Nothing. That's the problem.
I just saw her, and she was there, and...
Yeah, well, I gotta say, I can't fault your taste in women.
That girl is something.
I know, right?
And she was doing yoga.
I hear you.
There's something about a woman
who can put her heels behind her ears.
Thank you.
I mean, how do you say no to that?
Funny thing, looking at you with that girl in the box
took me back to something that happened to me
which was not entirely dissimilar.
No kidding?
This is years ago.
Just off Times Square.
Near Nathan's. You remember Nathan's?
Sure.
I was walking down the street.
And I saw this woman in a phone booth.
She was magnificent.
A body to die for.
Like a young Cyd Charisse. You remember Cyd Charisse?
Totally.
Singing in the Rain?
- The Band Wagon... - Band Wagon, sure.
Anyway, it was
a hot summer night,
even hotter in that phone booth with the door closed.
So I'm standing there,
watching her,
kind of in the shadows.
And I notice this one
little bead of sweat
slowly rolling down her bare shoulder.
And she turns,
and her eyes catch mine.
It was this charged erotic moment.
And much like you and your girl in the box,
it led to some, uh,
self-pleasuring,
if you catch my drift.
I'm catching it.
Of course,
my situation was slightly different in that
she had no idea what was happening.
When she looked down
and saw what I was doing, she let out a-a scream.
It was so loud, you could hear it
through the glass with the door closed.
But that's all I needed.
By the time the cops came,
I was done, zipped up, and halfway down 46th Street.
Wow.
You don't see phone booths anymore.
And they call that progress.
Right.
Anyway, the show.
So... we're okay?
Well, let us think about it.
We'll discuss.
But I'm really glad you called.
Me too.
Thank you so much.
Elliot Salad on one.
Fire him.
You sure?
Yeah, that guy should not be hosting a family show.
Gives me the creeps.
Yo.
Bad news, bud.
What?
I just talked to Elliot Salad.
He-he said he was gonna think about it.
Well, he... thought about it.
Fuck!
- Well done. - That was great, thank you.
Thank you so much for coming in.
I liked her a lot.
She made some very smart choices.
Mm.
I thought she was a bit rumpy.
As in?
Too much rump.
- Too much rump. - Mm.
Switch seats with me.
Who's next?
Uh, Anthony Powner Smith.
- No. No, no, no, no. - What?
We had this conversation.
- Did we? - You know we did.
It was the day you brought in your apple crumble.
Mmm, I remember the crumble.
I 'm sure you' ll recall,
as you were whipping your cinnamon cream,
we had a vehement conversation about Anthony Powner Smith.
We were absolutely explicit about not bringing him in.
He's a brilliant actor.
- Absolutely. - Yes.
No question, and...
paralyzed, brilliantly paralyzed.
Well, I'm sorry if you two have issues with hiring the disabled.
Nothing to do with him being disabled.
No, no, no, the whole conceit of our show
is that everyone plays two very different parts.
If he's in a wheelchair for both of them,
that hardly makes him chameleon-like.
Well, they'd obviously be different chairs.
Look, it's five minutes
out of your oh-so-busy lives.
Who knows? He might surprise you.
By tap-dancing.
That is wildly offensive.
You're wildly offensive.
So, um, should I bring him in?
- Absolutely. - Well, he's here now.
Well, we can't not, um...
Anthony?
Hello, good people.
- Hello, ah. - Welcome.
Thank you so much for coming in.
Ah.
Ah! Hang on.
Bit of a snag.
I was going to say, I...
Almost.
It's all about the trajectory.
Can we help?
No, no, I've got it.
Um, it's...
Just, uh...
Happens all the time.
You sure? We...
Oh, no, no, I can totally do it.
Ah. There we go... No, hang on.
I made it a little worse here.
Bloody fucker!
This chair seems to expand in the heat.
Well, it is a very narrow doorframe.
Oh, it's ridiculously narrow.
Runway models would get stuck there.
Are you sure we can't help?
- No, I've got it! - No, no rush.
We 're-we' re going nowhere.
That wasn't so hard, was it?
Is your hand bleeding?
Hmm? Oh.
Hardly. It's fine. No worries.
So welcome.
- So thrilled you could come in. - Wow, what a treat.
- Huge fans. - Especially me.
Oh, you're very kind.
Say, uh, it's a wonderful script.
Oh, thank you.
It's very, very funny.
Both, uh... both roles so...
So tasty.
Uh, by the way,
if there is any concern
about the chair...
- What? The chair? No. - No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I can assure you that I will be out of it
by the time we're ready to shoot.
Uh, that's wonderful, but, um,
that is in only three weeks.
Oh.
Uh-huh.
That 's-that' s a little
sooner than I was told.
But I'm sure I'll be fine by then.
Right, well, uh.
Shall we... Shall we read a little?
- Yes. - Please.
Maybe we can start with Reg,
the scene with his daughter?
- Reg it is. - Great choice.
I'll be reading with you. Ready?
Let's do it.
'Dad, get down from there.'
What?
Just wanted to say good-bye.
And then I wanted to watch you leave.
Dick.
Aw, I'm gonna miss these little talks.
Shame this didn't work out.
But hey, we had a good run.
You remember when all you wanted was a window?
I don't need a window.
I could throw you through a wall.
Whoa, please, do it.
That's just what your career needs.
One more nail.
Oh, oh-oh-oh.
In case you were wondering,
there's a camera on every one of those boxes.
Who do you think decided to stay on you?
You don't have the ball
to do that.
No?
Well, then you killed your own fucking show.
Well, I think we're gonna be all right.
I just got word we're very close
to signing Mr. Howie Mandel.
Yeah? Great.
That's right.
It's time to pass the old baton.
He probably won't touch it,
but who can blame him?
Oh, by the way,
let me know if you need any more boxes.
And then watching him try to get out the door at the end.
Longest 45 minutes of my life.
Like watching Stephen Hawking thread a needle.
Oh, look.
Well, I'm out of here.
We've been trying to call you all day.
Yeah, I had to turn my phone off.
Oh, my God, it's everywhere.
You think?
In the room, we've been calling it 'Mattstergate.'
- Just... - It's just a...
- Once or twice. - A bit of wordplay.
Well, they fired me.
- What? No. - Oh, my God.
Get in. I don't want anyone to see me.
Might want to put up your top, then.
It's nice out.
Just get in.
Uh, where are we going?
Anywhere but here.
I 'm afraid we' re due back in the room.
And our car's here.
I just got fired and my dick's online.
Yeah, right, you win.
You realize, when I die,
this is what they're gonna remember me for?
After everything else,
it'll be this one stupid thing.
I know.
It doesn't seem fair to all
the other stupid things you've done.
I'm serious.
This is gonna follow me for the rest of my life.
You don't know. Give it time.
People forget.
They're still talking about Janet Jackson's nipple.
And that didn't squirt anything at anybody.
You have ruined so many meals for me.
It's such bullshit.
There are people who've committed real crimes
and aren't in jail.
Uh, you realize you're not in jail either?
Well, I can't go home.
Because you have paparazzi in front of your house.
Houses.
Ugh, it's on.
You-you don't have to watch it.
Well, it's the last one I'm on.
I should see it.
Good evening, I'm Merc Lapidus, executive producer of The Box.
Fuck me.
The episode you're about to see
was filmed last night before the unfortunate incident
I 'm sure you' re all aware of.
Scumbag.
We considered postponing tonight's broadcast,
but we felt it wouldn't be fair to the contestants
or the millions of fans of the game.
Be balder!
We apologize to anyone who may have been offended
by the images you saw today.
They don't reflect the spirit of good, clean fun
that this game represents.
'Good, clean.' They shit in those boxes.
I hope you continue to join us as we move forward
from this regrettable event.
And now, without further ado,
enjoy The Box.
Seven people...
Elliot Salad on one.
Holy shit.
Are you looking at these overnights?
Seriously, holy shit!
We haven't seen numbers like this since 9/11.
So now what?
Oh, there's no question.
- He's back in? - He was never out.
Phone!
Mm?
You sitting down?
Sort of.
Numbers through the roof!
No shit?
All is forgiven. You're back.
In fact, they're adding another night!
Seriously?
Yup!
Get your ass down there.
You got a show to shoot.
Mm.
We'll see.
He has demands?
What can I say?
He appreciates the added value he now brings to the show.
He masturbated in front of America.
And America said,
'Thank you.'
What does he want?
He wants what?
A guaranteed series with 13 on the air.
Jesus Christ.
He wants to act.
Oh, and he wants one other thing.
You wanted to see me?
Yup.
That's it. Just wanted to see you.
You know,
in the light.
As we open up The Box...
Anybody got any Windex?
Hey, Matt!
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>> You're in a unique position.
Do a show that will make people go, I didn't know he
could do that. >> You guys got to do it.
>> We're a little busy helping to destroy our current show.
Hello! >> Hey!
>> So sorry. >> Have you considered suing
Helen? >> Seems like
so much work. >> Yes, it would cut into your
busy day. >> I made a mistake and I feel
bad you had to see that naked lady and daddy's.
So, we good?
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