PHOEBE: Oh, that's good.
- Okay. All right, Phoebe? - Okay, okay.
If I were omnipotent for a day, I would want, um, world peace...
...no more hunger, good things for the rain forest.
And bigger boobs.
Well, see, you took mine, so...
Chandler, what about you?
If I were omnipotent for a day, I'd make myself omnipotent forever.
Heh. See, there's always one guy.
"If I had a wish, I'd wish for three more wishes."
[ALL CHUCKLE]
ROSS & MONICA: Hey, Joey. - Hey, buddy.
What would you do if you were omnipotent?
Probably kill myself.
Excuse me?
Hey, if Little Joey's dead, then I got no reason to live, you know?
Joey, uh, omnipotent.
You are?
Ross, I'm...
How does she do that?
I cannot sleep in a public place.
Would you look at her?
- She's so peaceful. - Yeah.
[BOTH SCREAM]
What? What? Hi.
It's okay, you know. You just nodded off again.
- Oh. - What's going on with you?
- I got no sleep last night. ROSS: Why?
My grandmother has this new boyfriend...
...and they're both kind of insecure in bed, so...
And deaf.
So they're constantly having to reassure each other that they're having a good time.
You have no idea how loud they are.
- You can stay with Rachel and me tonight. - Thanks.
Ninety-five, 96, 97.
See, I told you. Less than 100 steps from our place to here.
You got way too much free time, man.
Hey, there's the birthday boy.
Ross, check it out. Hockey tickets.
Rangers-Penguins tonight at the Garden. We're taking you.
- Happy birthday, pal. - We love you, man.
[ROSS CHUCKLES]
It's funny, my birthday was seven months ago.
- So? - So I'm guessing you had an extra ticket...
...and couldn't decide which one of you got to bring a date? Huh?
Well, aren't we Mr. The-Glass-is-Half-Empty?
Oh, my God. Oh.
Is today the 20th? October 20th?
- I was hoping you wouldn't remember. - Oh.
What's wrong with the 20th?
Eleven days before Halloween? All the good costumes are gone?
Today's the day Carol and I...
...first consummated...
...our physical relationship.
We had sex.
You know what? I better pass on the game.
I think I'm just gonna go home and think about my ex-wife and her lesbian lover.
The hell with hockey. Let's all do that.
Come on, Ross. You, me, Joey, ice?
Guys' night out? Come on, what do you say, big guy?
Huh? Huh? Huh?
- What are you doing? - I have no idea.
Come on, Ross.
All right, all right. Maybe it will take my mind off it.
- You promise to buy me a big foam finger? JOEY: You got it.
- All right. - Look, look, look. My first paycheck.
[ALL CHATTERING]
Look at the window. There's my name. Hi, me.
I remember the day I got my first paycheck.
There was a cave-in in one of the mines, and eight people were killed.
Wow, you worked in a mine?
No, I worked at a Dairy Queen. Why?
God, isn't this exciting? I earned this.
I wiped tables for it. I steamed milk for it.
And it was totally...
...not worth it.
Who's FICA? Why's he getting all my money?
I mean, what...? Chandler, look at that.
Oh, this is not that bad.
Oh, you're fine, yeah, for a first job.
- You can totally, totally live on this. MONICA: Oh, yeah, yeah.
By the way, great service today.
- Ooh. - Oh, yeah.
MONICA: Terrific. - It was excellent.
CHANDLER: Unbelievable. And all that milk and stuff? Great.
CHANDLER & JOEY: Hockey. - Hockey. Hockey.
CHANDLER & JOEY: Hockey. - Hockey. Hockey. Hockey.
Rachel?
[GASPS]
Oh, my God!
[ALL SHRIEKING]
I swear I've seen birds do this on Wild Kingdom.
What are you guys doing here?
Well, we were in the city shopping, and your mom said you work here...
...and it's true.
Yeah.
Look at you in the apron. You look like you're in a play.
God, look at you. You are so big. I can't believe it.
I know, I know. I'm a duplex.
RACHEL: So, what's going on with you?
Well, guess who my dad's making partner in his firm.
[ALL SHRIEK]
And while we're on the subject of news...
[ALL SHRIEK]
Look, look. I have elbows.
[BOTH SHRIEK]
Passes it up to Leetch.
Leetch spots Messier in the crease. Here's the pass.
Oh. Oh.
We'll take a time-out while Messier stops to look at some women's shoes.
Carol was wearing boots just like those the night that we first...
...you know.
In fact, she, uh...
She never took them off. Ha, ha.
It's because we... Sorry. Sorry.
I can't believe...
[ROSS SIGHS]
- What? - Peach pit.
Yes, bunny?
Peach pit.
- That night, we, uh, had... - Peaches?
Actually, nectarines, but basically.
- Could've been a peach. - Then we, uh...
Then we got dressed and I walked her to...
...the bus stop.
I'm fine.
Hey, that woman's got an ass like Carol's.
What? I thought we were trying to find stuff.
Oh, come on, you guys. Tell me all the dirt.
Well, the biggest news is still you dumping Barry at the altar.
- All right, let's talk reality for a second. - Okay.
- When are you coming home? - What?
Guys, I'm not.
- Heh. Come on. This is us. - I'm not.
This is what I'm doing now. I've got this job.
Waitressing?
Heh. I'm not just waitressing.
I mean, I'm...
I, um...
I write the specials on the specials board.
And I take the dead flowers out of the vase.
Um, oh, and sometimes Arturo lets me put the little chocolate blobbies on the cookies.
Well, your mom didn't tell us about the blobbies.
[WHIRRING]
MONICA: Hey, Rach. How was it with your friends?
[MONICA & PHOEBE SHRIEK]
Okay, how would you like some Tiki Death Punch?
What's that?
- Well, it's rum and... - Okay.
We thought since Phoebe's staying over we'd have a slumber party.
We got some trashy magazines, we got cookie dough, we got Twister.
[PHONE RINGS]
Ooh, ooh. And I brought Operation.
But I lost the tweezers, so we can't operate.
But we can prep the guy.
Rach, it's the Visa-card people.
Oh, God. Ask them what they want.
Could you please tell me what this is in reference to?
Yes, hold on.
Um, they say there's been unusual activity on your account.
- But I haven't used my card in weeks. - That is the unusual activity.
They just wanna see if you're okay.
They wanna know if I'm okay?
Okay, they wanna know if I'm okay. Okay, let's see.
Well, let's see. The FICA guys took all my money.
Everyone I know is either getting married or getting pregnant or getting promoted...
...and I'm getting coffee.
And it's not even for me.
So if that sounds like I'm okay, okay, then you can tell them I'm okay. Okay?
Uh, Rachel has left the building.
- Can you call back? - All right. Come on.
[IN STRAINED VOICE] Let's play Twister.
["CHARGE" PLAYING ON SPEAKERS]
- Sorry. - Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Uh-oh.
What? There was ice there that night with Carol?
Plastic seats? Four thousand angry Pittsburgh fans?
No, actually, I was just saying it looks like we're not sitting together.
But now that you mention it, there was ice there that night.
It was the first frost.
- We were... - Sit. Just sit down. Sit.
You should feel great.
You're doing this amazing independent thing.
Monica, what is so amazing?
I gave up like everything. And for what?
You are just like Jack.
Jack from downstairs?
No, Jack and the Beanstalk.
- Ah, the other Jack. - Yeah, right.
See, he gave up something, but then he got those magic beans.
And then he woke up and there was this big plant...
...outside of his window, full of possibilities and stuff.
And he lived in a village, and you live in the Village.
Okay, but, Pheebs, Pheebs, Jack gave up a cow.
I gave up an orthodontist.
Okay, I know I didn't love him, but...
Oh, see, Jack did love the cow.
But, see, it was a plan, you know? It was clear.
Everything was figured out, and now everything's just kind of like...
- Flupie? - Yeah.
You're not the only one. We don't know where we're going.
You gotta figure, at some point, it's gonna come together...
...and it's just gonna be "unflupie."
Yeah, like that's a word.
Okay, but, Monica, what if it doesn't come together?
Pheebs?
Well, because you just... I don't like this question.
Okay, see? See, you guys? What if we don't get magic beans?
I mean, what if all we've got are...
...beans?
Get him! Get him! Get him!
Get... Yes! You're not laughing now, are you, pal?
That's all you need, a bunch of toothless guys hitting each other with sticks.
Pass it. Pass it.
CHANDLER: He's open, he's open. Shoot it, shoot it, shoot it!
[ROSS GROANS]
- Whoa. Oh. - Whoa.
- Hey, look, we're on that TV thing. - Ooh, ooh, ooh.
- I got it! - Hey, hey, we got it! Hey!
Excuse me.
It says to call this number if you're not completely satisfied with this candy bar.
Well, I'm not completely satisfied.
Listen, it's kind of an emergency.
I guess you'd know that, or we'd be in the predicament room.
[CHANDLER CHUCKLES]
Hold on. Fill these out. Sit over there.
ROSS: Look, I don't wanna make any trouble, okay?
But I'm in a lot of pain here, all right? My face is dented.
- Well, you'll have to wait your turn. - Well, how long do you think it'll be?
Any minute now.
[LAUGHS]
ROSS: Hey, listen... Ooh.
[MELANCHOLY POP SONG PLAYING ON STEREO]
I wake up and I start to cry
Ain't no hope in...
Oh. I'm so sorry, you guys. I didn't mean to bring you down.
No, you were right.
I don't have a plan.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
MAN: Pizza guy.
- Thank God. - Food.
- Phoebe? PHOEBE: What?
- Do you have a plan? - I don't even have a "pla."
Hi. One mushroom, green pepper and onion?
No, no, no. That's not what we ordered.
We ordered a fat-free crust with extra cheese.
- Wait, you're not G. Stephanopoulos? - No.
- Oh, man. My dad's gonna kill me. - Wait.
Did you say G. Stephanopoulos?
Yeah, this one goes across the street. I must have given him yours.
Oh, bonehead. Bonehead.
Wait, was this a small Mediterranean guy with curiously intelligent good looks?
Yeah, that sounds about right.
- Was he wearing a stunning blue suit? - And a power tie?
No, pretty much just a towel.
- Oh, God. - Oh. Oh.
- Oh, my God. - You want me to take this back?
What? Are you nuts? We've got George Stephanopoulos' pizza.
Here.
- Uh, Pheebs? - Yeah?
Who's George Snuffleupagus?
That's Big Bird's friend.
[LAUGHS]
I see pizza.
PHOEBE: Oh, I wanna see. Let me see. Let me see.
Hello? Who are we spying on?
You know the White House adviser? Clinton's campaign guy?
The one with the great hair, sexy smile, really cute butt?
Oh, him. The little guy. Oh, I love him.
Ooh. Oh, wait. Wait, I see a woman.
Tell me it's his mother.
- Definitely not his mother. - Oh, no.
Oh, wait, she's walking across the floor.
She's walking, she's walking.
She's going for the pizza. Hey, that's not for you, bitch!
WOMAN [OVER PA]: Dr. Max to Center 456.
[WHOOSHES]
Excuse me. We've been here for over an hour...
...and people less sick than my friend have gone in.
I mean, that guy with the toe thing? Who's he sleeping with?
Oh, come on, Dora. Don't be mad.
I know we both said some things...
...we didn't mean...
...but that doesn't mean we still don't love each other.
You know, I feel like I've lost her.
[YELLS]
- Lights still out? - Yeah.
Well, maybe they're napping.
Heh. Please. They're having sex.
MONICA & PHOEBE: Shut up.
So, what do you think George is like?
- I think he's shy. - Oh, yeah?
Yeah. I think you have to draw him out.
And then when you do, he's a preppy animal.
[ALL LAUGHING]
Come on.
I remember the moonlight coming in through the open window...
...and her face had the most incredible glow.
Yes, the moon, the glow, the magical feeling.
You did this part.
Could I get some painkillers over here, please?
He's right, enough already. What is the big deal about today?
So you slept with her for the first time. So what?
You slept with her for seven years after that.
It's just a little more complicated than that.
What? What is it? That she left you? That she likes women?
That she left you for a woman that likes women?
A little louder.
There's a man on the 12th floor in a coma who didn't quite hear you.
Then what?
My first time with Carol was...
Was my...
[MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY]
What?
It was my first...
...time.
With Carol?
Oh.
So in your whole life, you've only been with one?
Oh.
Oh, boy. Hockey was a big mistake.
There's a whole bunch of stuff we could've done tonight.
Okay. Okay, I got one.
Do you remember that vegetarian pâté that I made that you loved so much?
Uh-huh.
[MONICA & RACHEL GIGGLE]
Well, unless goose is a vegetable...
- Oh! Oh! MONICA & RACHEL: Ha-ha-ha.
Okay, fine, fine.
Now I don't feel so bad about sleeping with Jason Hurley.
- What? You slept with Jason? - You had already broken up.
- How long? - Just a couple hours.
Oh, that's nice.
Okay, okay, okay, I got one.
Anyway.
The valentine Tommy Rollerson left in your locker was really from me.
Excuse me?
Oh, hello? Like he was really gonna send you one.
She was a big girl.
[LAUGHS]
Really?
Well, at least big girls don't pee in their pants in seventh grade.
I was laughing. You made me laugh.
Oh, my God. There he is. There he is. There he is.
- Where? - Right where we've been looking all night.
- Oh, he's so cute. - Oh, George, baby, drop the towel.
- Come on, drop the towel. RACHEL & PHOEBE: Drop the towel.
MONICA: Please drop the towel. Drop it.
ALL: Wow.
Man, can you believe he's only had sex with one woman?
I think it's great.
You know, it's sweet. It's romantic.
Really?
No, are you kidding? The guy's a freak. I judge him.
- Hey, man. - Hey, buddy.
ROSS: Ah? Ah?
Oh.
That's attractive.
Oh, I thought you were great in Silence of the Lambs.
[JOEY LAUGHING]
Oh, come on, admit it, all things considered, you had fun tonight.
Fun? Where was the fun?
Tell me specifically, which part was the fun part?
Where's my puck?
- Oh. The kid has it. - The kid?
Ahem. Excuse me, uh, that's my puck.
I found it. Finders keepers, losers weepers.
You gotta do it, man.
Oh, yeah? Well, I'm rubber, you're glue. Whatever you...
I can't do it.
- Listen, uh, give me back my puck. - No.
- Yes, how about? - No.
- No, come here. Just give me my puck. - No, no, no.
SIZEMORE: Hey, no roughhousing in my ER.
Give me my puck! Unh.
[GRUNTS]
Now, that was fun.
ROSS: Okay, Monica.
Right foot, red.
Could've played Monopoly, but no.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Thanks.
Okay, Pheebs. Right hand, blue.
- Good. JOEY: Hmm?
[PHONE RINGS]
Hello?
- Oh. Rachel, it's the Visa-card people. RACHEL: Oh, okay. Will you take my place?
All right. Yes, this is Rachel.
RACHEL: No. - Oh.
Hello?
Oh, yeah. No, I know. I haven't been using it much.
Oh, well, thanks, but I'm okay, really.
To the green, to the green.
MONICA: Oh, no. - To the green.
I've got magic beans.
No, no, never mind.
CHANDLER: To the left. To the left.
[ALL YELL]
I'm fine.
[English - US - SDH]