Okay, okay, I checked.
We have Earl Grey, English Breakfast, cinnamon stick...
...chamomile, mint medley, blackberry and, uh...
Oh, wait, there's one more, um... Lemon soother.
You're not the guy that asked for the tea, are you?
Okay.
Mail call. Rachel Green, bunk seven.
Thank you.
Oh, cool. A free sample of coffee.
Oh, good, because where else would we get any? Ha, ha.
Oh, right.
- Oh, great. - What is it?
Country club newsletter.
My mother sends me the engagement notices for inspiration.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. It's Barry and Mindy.
- Barry, who you almost...? - Barry, who I almost...
- Mindy, your maid of... - My maid of...
Let me see. That's Mindy?
Wow, she is pretty.
Lucky...
...to have had a friend like you.
Marcel, bring me the rice. Come on, bring me the rice. Come on.
Good boy. Good bye. Come here, give me the rice.
Thank you. Good boy.
Well, I see he's mastered the difference between "bring me the"...
...and "pee in the."
"Bring me the" and... Rach?
- What? - Hi.
Oh, I'm sorry. Oh.
This is so stupid.
- I mean, I gave Barry up, right? - Mm.
I should be happy for them.
I am. I'm happy for them.
- Really? - No.
Oh. Oh, I guess it would be different if I were with somebody.
Whoa, what, uh, ha, ha...
What happened to, uh, "Forget relationships.
I'm done with men"? The whole, uh, penis embargo?
Oh, I don't know.
I guess it's not about no guys.
- It's about the right guy, you know? - Hmm.
With Barry, it was safe and it was easy, but there was no heat.
- Mm. - You know, with Paolo...
...that's all there was, was heat.
And I mean, it was just this raw, animal, sexual...
Right, right. I got it.
I was there.
I mean, do you think you can ever have both?
You know? Someone who's like your best friend...
...but then also can make your toes curl.
Yes, yes.
Yes. Yes, I do. I really do.
Uh, in fact, it's funny.
Very often, someone who you wouldn't think could...
...curl your toes...
...might just be the one who...
Hi.
- Gets interrupted. Hi.
Hey, guys, how was the movie?
- Oh, so wonderful. - Oh, it was so good.
- Suck fest. - Total chick flick.
I'm sorry it wasn't one of those movies...
...with, like, you know, like, guns and bombs...
...and, like, buses going really fast.
Hey, I don't need violence to enjoy a movie...
...just so long as there's a little nudity.
- There was nudity. - I meant female nudity.
All right, I don't need to see Lou Grant frolicking.
MONICA & CHANDLER & PHOEBE: Hugh. Hugh Grant.
All right, I've got to go. Ahem.
Come on, Marcel. Come on.
Yeah, we're gonna go take a bath. Yes, we are, aren't we? Yes, we are.
They're still just friends, right?
And I will see you tomorrow.
That's right. You're gonna spend tomorrow at Aunt Rachel's, aren't you?
Hang on, hang on. Does Aunt Monica get a say in this?
Please, Aunt Monica, please? Ha, ha.
Oh, unclench. You're not even gonna be here.
CHANDLER: I can't believe we're having this discussion.
I agree. I'm, like, in disbelief.
Don't you think if things were gonna happen with Rachel, they would've happened?
I'm telling you, she said she's looking for a relationship...
...with someone exactly like me.
She really said that?
Well, I added the "exactly like me" part.
But she said she's looking for someone. And someone is gonna be there tonight.
"Tonight" tonight?
Well, I think it's perfect. It's just gonna be the two of us.
She spent all day taking care of my monkey.
I can't remember the last time I got a girl to take care of my monkey.
[JOEY LAUGHING]
Anyway, you know, I figured after work, I'd go pick up a bottle of wine...
...go over there and, uh, try to woo her.
Hey, you know what you should do?
You should take her back to the 1890s when that phrase was last used.
If you keep this up...
...you'll be finished with this sucker by the end of the week.
Now, the one in the feathered boa, that's Dr. Francis.
Now, she used to be a man.
Oh, look. See, now, there's Raven. We hate her.
We're glad she's dying.
And then... What? Marcel.
Are you playing with Monica's shoes? You know you're not supposed to...
Whoa, whoa.
Marcel, did you poo in the shoe?
Oh, Marcel. Bad monkey.
Oh, God.
Oh.
Sorry, Barry.
A little engagement gift.
I'm sure you didn't register for that.
[GUNSHOT ON TV]
Who died? Who died?
Roll him over. Oh, come on, roll him over. Oh!
Well, we know it wasn't Dexter, right, Marcel? Because...
Marcel? Marcel? Marc...?
- How could you lose him? - I don't know, I don't know.
We were watching TV, and then he pooped in Monica's shoe...
Wait. He pooped in my shoe? Which one?
I don't know. The left one.
Which ones?
Oh, those little clunky Amish things you think go with everything.
- Hey. GROUP: Hey.
Whoa, oh. Why is the air in here so negative?
- Rachel lost Marcel. - Oh, no. How?
- He pooped in my shoe. - Which one?
Those cute little black ones I wear all the time.
No, which one? Ha, ha.
The right or left?
Because the left one is lucky.
Come on, you guys. What am I gonna do?
All right, all right, all right. You're a monkey...
...you're loose in the city.
Where do you go?
Okay, it's his first time out...
...so he's probably gonna want to do some of the touristy things.
I'll go to Cats. You go to the Russian Tea Room.
Oh, my God! Come on, you guys.
He's gonna be home any minute. He's gonna kill me.
Start with the building. You take the first and second floor.
Phoebe and I will take third and fourth.
Whoa, whoa. What am I gonna do?
Okay, you stay here and just wait by the phone.
Spray Lysol in my shoe and wait for Ross to kill you.
Does anybody want to trade?
[SIGHS]
What do you want?
Mr. Heckles, our friend lost a monkey. Have you seen it?
I left a Belgian waffle out here. Did you take it?
No.
Why would you leave your Belgian waffle in the hall?
I wasn't ready for it.
The monkey, have you seen a monkey?
I saw Regis Philbin once.
Thank you, Mr. Heckles.
You owe me a waffle.
Okay, he's a black capuchin monkey with a white face...
...with Russian dressing and pickles on the side.
Okay, thanks.
- Hi. - Hey. How did it go today?
- Oh, great. It went great. Really great. - Yeah.
- Hey, is that wine? - Yeah. Yeah.
You, uh, want some?
- Oh, I would love some. - Yeah.
But you know what? You know what? Let's not drink it here.
I'm feeling kind of crazy. Do you want to go to Newark?
Uh, okay. Yeah.
We could do that. But before we head off to the murder capital of the Northeast...
...I was, uh, kind of wanted to run something by you.
You know how we were, you know, talking before...
...about relationships and stuff, well...
- Oh, God, Ross, I cannot do this. - Okay, quick and painful.
Oh, God.
Okay, all right. All right, okay.
Ross, please don't hate me.
Oh, what? What? What?
[CHUCKLES]
You know Marcel?
- Yeah? - Well, ahem.
I kind of, uh... I kind of lost him.
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
I can't believe this.
I mean, all I asked you to do was keep him in the apartment.
I know, I know. I'm sorry.
You know what? I guess it's partially my fault.
I shouldn't have asked you to start off with a monkey.
I should have started you off with, like, a pen or a pencil.
Ross, I'm doing everything that I can.
I've got everybody looking for him and I got...
[DOOR BUZZER]
- Who is it? LUISA [OVER INTERCOM]: Animal Control.
- See, I've even got Animal Control. - You called Animal Control?
Uh-huh.
Why? Do you not like them?
Heh. Marcel is an illegal exotic animal.
I'm not allowed to have him in the city.
If they find him, they'll take him away from me.
Okay, well, now, see, you never ever, ever told us that.
That's right, because I didn't expect you we're gonna invite them to the apartment.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Hi. Thanks for coming.
Somebody called about a monkey?
Oh. Oh, you know what? That was a complete misunderstanding.
Yeah, we thought we had a monkey, but we didn't.
- It turned out it was a hat. - Cat.
Cat. What did I say?
Hi. We checked the third and fourth floor.
- No one's seen Marcel. - Marcel?
My uncle Marcel.
Oh, is that who the monkey's named after?
Okay.
Are you aware that possession of an illegal exotic is punishable...
...by up to two years in prison and confiscation of the animal.
PHOEBE: Oh, my God.
You'd put that poor little creature in jail?
Pheebs, you remember how we talked about saying things quietly to yourself first?
Yes, but there isn't always time.
Look, I'm sure there's some friendly way to reconcile this. Um, have a seat.
First of all, we haven't been introduced. I'm Monica Geller.
Oh, my God, you are.
- And you're Rachel Green. - Yeah.
Luisa Gianetti. Lincoln High?
I sat behind you guys in homeroom.
Oh! Luisa. Oh, my God.
Monica. It's Luisa!
Luisa. From homeroom.
Yes!
- You have no idea who I am, do you? RACHEL: No.
Not at all.
Well, maybe that's because you spent four years ignoring me.
Would it have been so hard to say, "Morning, Luisa"...
...or "Nice overalls"?
Oh, I'm so sorry.
It's not so much you. You were fat. You had your own problems.
But you. What a bitch.
What?
You know what? Be that as it may.
You think you could you help us out here on that monkey thing, for old times' sake?
Go, Bobcats.
I could. But I won't.
If I find that monkey, he's mine.
[SINGING] Da, da, da
Sorry.
[MARCEL CHATTERING]
CHANDLER: Marcel?
JOEY: Marcel?
- Marcel? - Marcel?
Hi, can I help you?
Uh, we're kind of having an emergency, and, ahem, we were looking for something.
- A monkey. - Yes, have you seen any?
No. No, I haven't seen a monkey.
Do you know anything about fixing radiators?
Sure, sure. Did you try turning the knob back the other way?
- Of course. - Oh. Then, no.
Taste this daiquiri. Is there too much rum in here?
Just a second. Hope you find your monkey.
Oh, no, wait. No, no, no. Wait, wait.
Um, we may not know about radiators, per se...
...but we do have a certain amount of expertise...
...in the heating and cooling milieu.
Uh, weren't we kind of in the middle of something here?
Yes, but these women are very hot and they need our help.
And they're very hot.
We can't, all right?
We're sorry.
You have no idea how sorry. But we promised we'd find this monkey.
If you see him, he's about yea high and answers to the name Marcel.
So if we could get some pictures of you, you'd really be helping us out.
Okay, from now on, you don't get to talk to other people.
- Marcel? - Marcel.
PHOEBE & MONICA: Marcel?
- Oh, my God. - What?
Something just brushed up against my right leg.
- What is it? - Oh.
Oh, it's okay. It was just my left leg.
[MARCEL CHATTERING]
MONICA: Look, Phoebe.
Oh, yeah. Oh, Marcel. Come here.
- Oh, come here, Marcel. - Step aside, ladies.
- What are you gonna do? - Just a small tranquilizer.
PHOEBE: Run, Marcel, run! Run, Marcel!
- Damn. - Are you okay?
Oh, yeah, I think so.
Oh.
Huh.
Whoa.
Oh, gosh.
ROSS & RACHEL: Marcel. Marcel.
This is ridiculous. We've been all over the neighborhood.
He's gone. He's just gone.
- Ross, you don't know that. - Oh, come on. It's cold, it's dark.
He doesn't know the Village.
And now I have a broken foot. Oh, my...
I have no monkey and a broken foot.
Thank you very much.
Ross, you know, I've said I'm sorry, like, a million times.
What do you want me to do? Huh? You want me to break my foot too?
Here, I'm gonna break my foot right now. Ow!
Oh, my God. There, are you happy now?
Yeah, yeah. You know, now that you kicked the sign...
...hey, ha, ha, I don't miss Marcel anymore.
You know, it's not like I did this on purpose.
No, no, no. No, no. This is just vintage Rachel.
I mean, things just sort of happen around you.
I mean, you're off in Rachel Land, doing your Rachel thing...
...totally oblivious to people's monkeys or to people's feelings and...
- I don't even want to hear it. - Ross.
- Forget it, okay? - Ross.
What? What?
Hey, banana man.
Oh, this is so intense.
One side of my butt is totally asleep and the other side has no idea.
Hi. Did you order some bananas?
- What about it? - Give me my monkey back.
I don't have a monkey.
- Then what's with all the bananas? - Potassium.
[MARCEL CHATTERING]
Marcel? Marcel.
Okay, where is he? Where is he? Marcel? Marcel?
[ALL GASPING]
Marcel.
What have you done to him?
That's my monkey. That's Patty. Patty the monkey.
Are you insane?
- Come here, Marcel. Come on. - Come here, Patty.
Come here, Marcel.
Come here, Patty.
Here, monkey. Here, monkey. Here, monkey.
Gotcha.
- Okay, give me my monkey back. - That's my monkey.
You're gonna have to take this up with the judge.
That's not my monkey. Just the dress is mine.
You can send it back whenever.
- All right, I want my monkey. - No.
- Oh, come on, Luisa. - Sorry, prom queen.
You had to be a bitch in high school, you couldn't have been fat.
All right, look, in high school, I was the prom queen...
...and I was the homecoming queen and the class president and you...
...were also there.
Look, if you take this monkey...
...I will lose one of the most important people in my life.
You can hate me if you want, but please do not punish him.
Come on, Luisa, you have a chance to be the bigger person here.
Take it.
No.
All right.
Well, then how about I call your supervisor and I tell her...
...that you shot my friend in the ass with a dart.
Hey, it'll be nice to get this off finally, won't it?
Or we can leave it on for now. That's fine.
You know, with the right pair of pumps, that would be a great little outfit.
Listen...
I'm sorry I was so hard on you before. You know, I just...
No, Ross, come on. No, no. It was my fault. I almost lost your...
No, no. Yeah, but you were the one who got him back.
You know, you were great.
Hey, we still have that bottle of wine.
Are you in the mood for, uh...
...something grape?
- Sure, that would be good. - All right, uh...
Oh.
The, uh... The neighbors must be vacuuming.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Well, ah, as long as we're here...
...and not on the subject, um, ahem...
I was thinking about, uh...
...how mad we got at each other before.
And, um, I was thinking maybe it was partially because of how we...
- Rachel? - Barry?
I can't. I can't do it. I can't marry Mindy.
- I'm still in love with you. - Oh!
We have got to start locking that door.
This is me in The Sound of Music.
- You see the von Trapp kids? - No.
That's because I'm in front of them.
Yeah, I thought that was an alp.
Well, high school was not my favorite time.
I don't know. I loved high school, you know?
It was just, like, four years of parties and dating and sex and...
Yeah, well, I went to boarding school with 400 boys.
Any sex I had would've involved a major lifestyle choice.
Gosh, doesn't it seem like a million years ago?
Oh, oh, oh.
Oh, my butt cheek is waking up.
[English - US - SDH]