Flight number 457 from Beijing now arriving.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my... Excuse me. Move, move, move! Emergency, please!
Excuse me, excuse me.
- Rach! - Ah!
There you are!
Hey! - Hi!
Oh! So, so.
How was China? You!
It was... It was great. Oh, what happened?
- What? I am? - You're bleeding.
- God. - Oh, look at that! Yes, I am. Heh.
Enough about me, Mr. Back From The Orient!
Come on, I wanna hear everything. Everything!
Well, uh, where do I start? Um...
This is Julie. Uh, Julie, this is Rachel.
Hi. Heh.
Uh, oh! These are...
- These are... Aren't for you. - Oh.
Heh. Uh, these are for you.
Welcome to our country.
Thank you. I'm from New York.
Well, not a problem. We'll use them to stop the bleeding.
Okay. Uh, baggage claim?
- Okay. - Okay.
- No way. - I'm telling you, she went to the airport.
And she's gonna go for it with Ross.
Oh, my God. This is huge. This...
This is bigger than huge. This is...
All right, what's bigger than huge?
- Um, this? - Yes.
Guys, you got new haircuts!
Yes, yes, we did. Thanks to Vidal Buffay.
Because, you know:
"If you don't look good, we don't look good. "
I love that voice! Ha, ha.
- You guys! - Oh, oh.
Airport. Airport. Ross.
Not... Not alone.
Julie. Arm around her!
Unh! Cramp! Cramp! Cramp!
Okay, I think she's trying to tell us something.
Quick, get the verbs.
- Ow. - You! You!
You said he liked me!
You! You...!
You slowpokes!
That's all right, Rach. We got the bags. Uh...
Hi. Hello.
Julie, this is my sister, Monica. This is Chandler.
- Hey. - Phoebe, hi. Mwah.
- Joey, what up? - Hey.
- Everyone, this is Julie. - Julie.
Oh.
Hi!
Hi! But I'm not here, you haven't met me.
I'll make a better impression when I don't have 20 hours of plane on me.
- And bus. - Oh, my God!
- With the screaming guy... - And the spitting.
You gotta hear this story.
We're on this bus that's 200 years old.
Two hundred, at least.
- And this guy... - And the chicken poops in her lap! Ha!
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I just gave away the ending, didn't I?
Ugh, I just heard this story in the cab...
...and it is all I can think about.
This is amazing. I mean, how...?
- How did this happen? - Ross and I were in grad school together.
We haven't seen each other since then. I land in China...
...guess who's in charge of the dig? - Julie!
Julie. Isn't that great?
Isn't that just kick-you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-your-neck fantastic?
It's an expression.
We just wanted to say a quick hi.
- Then we're gonna go see the baby. - Then get some sleep.
Yeah, it's 6:00 tomorrow night, our time.
Well don't tell us what's gonna happen, though
Because I like to be surprised.
Bye! Bye.
- Rach. Can I get some coffee? Thank you. - Sure.
- Hey, Rach... - Did you talk to him yet?
- No. - Then, no.
So, what the hell happened to you in China?
I mean, when last we left you, you were in love with, you know.
I know. I know I was.
But there was always this voice inside that kept saying:
"It's never gonna happen. Move on. " You know whose voice that was?
God?
It was you, pal.
Well, maybe it was God doing me.
You were right. She looks at me and sees a friend. That's all.
And then I met Julie, and...
I don't know. We're having a great time.
I never would have gone for it with her, if it hadn't been for you.
Well, you owe me one, big guy.
- Here's your lemonade. - I didn't order lemonade.
Oh. Well then you better go take that back.
They're gonna charge you for that.
- But... - Go, go, go! Come on, come on!
Okay, so, uh, what did you find out?
He said...
He said they're having a great time.
- I'm sorry. - What?
But the silver lining, if you wanna see it...
...is that he made this decision all by himself...
...without any outside help whatsoever.
How is that a silver lining?
You have to really wanna see it.
Ironically, these guys were picked last in gym.
Hey, Pheebs.
- You know what I'm thinking? - Oh, okay.
How...
...it's been so long since you've had sex...
...you're wondering if they've changed it?
No. Although now that's what I'm thinking.
So, what were you thinking?
I was thinking you gave the guys great haircuts.
I thought you'd like to do mine.
Oh! No.
- Why not? - Because I'm just...
I'm incredibly anal and an unbelievable control freak.
No, you're not.
I know I'm not, but you are.
I was trying to spare your feelings.
Hello? Oh, hi.
Yeah, hold on a second. Ross, Julie for you.
Hello? Hi.
Hey. Anybody know a good tailor?
- You need clothes altered? - No, no.
I'm just looking for a man to draw on me with chalk.
Go see Frankie. My family's been going to him forever.
He did my first suit when I was 15.
No, wait, 16.
No, excuse me, heh, 15.
All right, when was 1990?
Okay, you have to stop the Q-Tip when there's resistance.
Okay. Okay. Sweetheart, I'll see you later.
Okay, bye. What?
Oh, that is so sweet.
No... Ha, ha.
No. Okay. No, you hang up.
No, you... Okay.
Okay. One, two, three.
Shh.
Well you didn't hang up either. She didn't hang up.
Okay, no. No, you hang up.
You. You. Yo...
Sorry, I thought you were talking to me.
- Rachel. Heh. - Sorry.
- I'll just call her back. - Okay.
Hi, sweetie. I'm sorry. We got disconnected.
No, you hang up.
Okay, okay, okay. How did this happen to me? How?
A week ago, two weeks ago, I was fine.
Ross was just Ross. Just this guy.
Now all of a sudden, he's Ross...
...ugh, this really great guy that I can't have.
Sweetie, I wanted you to have him too.
I know you did.
Ugh. I'm just gonna deal with it. I'm just gonna deal with it
I gotta get out of here!
I don't care what you guys say. Something's bothering her.
You know, I think I was 16.
Please, just a little bit off the back.
Um, I'm still on "no. "
- Uh, morning. - Hey.
Could you close your eyes for a sec?
Oh, no, no, no. I'm not falling for that again.
- What's going on? - I sort of did a stupid thing last night.
What stupid thing did you do?
Ew!
Why don't you just go get dressed...
...then you'll be on your way. Bye-bye.
Rachel, how did this happen?
I don't know, I kind of ran into him last night.
- Where? - At his apartment.
Is this juice?
Whoa. And the fact that you dumped him because he hit on Phoebe?
Oh, God, I know. I'm pathetic, I'm a loser.
Honey, you're not pathetic. You're just sad.
Yeah. People do stupid things when they're upset.
My God, if I had a nickel for every guy I wish I hadn't...
But this is about your horrible mistake.
- Hi. Hey!
- Hi... Sorry we're late.
We were, uh...
Well, there was touching.
- Hey...! - Oh.
- Hey, Ross! - Paolo. Ha.
What a...
What, uh...? What are you doing here?
- I do Raquel. - Ah.
So, uh, he's back?
Yeah, he's back. Is that a problem?
No, not a problem.
Good. Glad it's not a problem.
Okay, you're gonna have to not touch my ass.
Well, despite the yummy bagels and palpable tension...
...I've got pants that need to be altered.
Oh, when you see Frankie, tell him Joey Tribbiani says hello.
He'll know what it means.
You sure he's gonna be able to crack that code?
It's funny. The last time Paolo was here, my hair was so much shorter and cuter.
All right. Okay.
But... But! You have to promise that you will not be all controlly and bossy...
...and all, you know, Monica about it.
I promise.
All right, let's see.
Now, some of you are gonna get cut and some of you aren't.
But I promise, none of you will feel a thing.
Okay.
- All right, that's it. I quit. - What? I didn't say anything!
Yeah, but this isn't the face of a person who trusts a person.
This is the face of a person who, you know...
...doesn't trust a person.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Phoebe.
It's just a little shorter than what we had discussed.
Would you relax? I know what I am doing.
This is how he wears it.
- How who wears it? - Demi Moore.
Heh. Demi Moore is not a he.
Well, he was a he in Arthur and in 10.
That's Dudley Moore!
I said I wanted it like Demi Moore!
- Oh. Oh! - Oh, my God!
- Oh, God! - Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
Which one is Demi Moore?
She's the actress that was in Disclosure, Indecent Proposal, Ghost!
Oh, she's got gorgeous hair.
- I know! - Oh, my God!
How long do you want the cuffs?
At least as long as I have the pants.
I just got that.
Okay. Now we'll do your inseam.
How is she?
It's too soon to tell.
She's resting, which is a good sign.
- How's the hair? - I'm not gonna lie to you, Ross.
It doesn't look good.
I put a clip on one side, which seems to have stopped the curling.
Can we see her?
Your hair looks too good. It would upset her.
Ross, why don't you come on in.
- Well, how you doing? - I'm okay.
- Ooh, that bad, huh? - What?
Look, I can sense when women are depressed and vulnerable.
It's one of my gifts. Sit.
Ugh.
Ugh, Joey, when I saw him get off that plane with her...
...I really thought I just hit rock bottom.
But today, it's like there's rock bottom...
...50 feet of crap...
...then me.
You gotta tell Ross how you feel.
Oh, come on, how can I just tell him? What about Julie?
What about her? They've only been going out for two weeks.
Ross has been in love with you for 10 years.
- I don't know. I don't know. - Look, Rach, Rach.
I've been with my share of women.
I've been with a lot of people's share of women.
But the point is...
...I've never felt about anyone the way Ross felt about you.
Really?
Yo, paisan.
Can I talk to you for a sec?
Your tailor...
...is a very bad man!
- Frankie? What are you talking about? - Hey, what's going on?
Joey's tailor...
...took advantage of me.
- What? - No way.
I've been going to the guy for 12 years.
Oh, come on. He said he was gonna do my inseam.
Then he ran his hand up my leg and then there was definite...
What?
Cupping.
That's how they do pants!
First they go up one side, they move it over.
Then they go up the other side, move it back, then they do the rear.
What? Ross, tell him. Isn't that how a tailor measures pants?
Yes, yes, it is. In prison!
What's the matter with you?
What?
That's not?
Oh, my God.
Even Mary Tyler Moore would've been better.
I like it.
Yeah, I do. I think it's a 10!
Thank you. My hair is very amused.
Oh, come on, things could be worse. I mean, uh...
You could "get caught between the moon and New York City.
I know it's crazy, but it's true. "
Thank you.
- Well, I gotta go. Bye. - See you.
Bye, Rach!
Wait, are you leaving?
That's what I meant by "bye. "
Well, uh, can I talk to you for a sec?
Okay.
When the doctor does that hernia test...
That's okay.
- What's going on? - Um...
- Well, um, okay, first of all... - Mm-hm.
...Paolo and I are not back together.
That was a stupid thing I did.
If I could go back in time and do it again...
...well, I wouldn't.
- Ahem. - Um...
- Heh. - Second of all...
What?
Before I say anything...
...is this one of those things where you break up with a guy.
Then I tell you what I think...
...and the next day you get back together with him...
...and I look like a complete idiot? - No, no, no.
Okay. Um, well, then, I think the guy's scum.
I hate him. I mean, I actually... I physically hate him.
You know? I always have.
And you are way too good to be with a guy like that.
- Really? - Rach?
You deserve to be with someone who appreciates you...
...and who gets how funny...
...and sweet and amazing...
...and adorable and sexy you are.
You know? Someone who wakes up every morning thinking:
"Oh, my God. I'm with Rachel!" Heh.
You know? Someone who makes you feel good.
Like the way I do with Julie.
Was there a "second of all"?
Um...
No, um, I think that was the whole "all. "
I gotta go. Okay?
- Okay. - Thanks.
Okay.
No, I swear to God, Dad!
That's not how they measure pants!
I was thinking of doing it shorter, like Andie MacDowell's haircut.
- Oh, yeah. Oh, I could do that. - Really?
- Yeah. You wanna do it now? - Great!
- Okay. - Okay.
See you.
Okay, I just wanna make really sure this time.
Uh-huh. Ahem.
Andie MacDowell is the girl from Four Weddings and a Funeral, right?
No.
No, no, no, no, no, no. That's Roddy McDowall.
Andie MacDowell is the guy from Planet of the Apes.
- Oh! Yeah, okay. - Yeah. Okay?
- Thank you. - You're welcome.