Man, I sure miss Julie.
Spanish midgets.
Spanish midgets wrestling...
Julie. Okay, yes, I see how you got there.
You ever figure out what that thing's for?
No, see, I'm trying this screening thing.
I figure if I always answer the phone, people will think I don't have a life.
My God. Rodrigo never gets pinned.
Here comes the beep. You know what to do.
Hello. I'm looking for Bob.
This is Jade.
I don't know if you're still at this number, but I was just thinking about us...
...and how great it was, and, well, I know it's been three years...
...but I was kind of hoping we could hook up again.
You know, I barely had the nerve to make this call...
...so you know what I did? - What?
I got a little drunk...
...and naked.
Bob here.
So, uh, what have you been up to?
Oh, you know, the usual.
Teaching aerobics...
...partying way too much. Heh.
Oh, and in case you were wondering...
...those are my legs on the new James Bond poster.
Can you hold on a moment? I have another call.
- I love her. - I know.
- I'm back. So are we gonna get together?
Uh, absolutely.
Uh, how about tomorrow afternoon?
Do you know, uh, Central Perk in the village? Say, five-ish?
Great. I'll see you then. - Okay.
Okay.
Having a phone has finally paid off.
Even though you do do a good Bob impression...
...I'm thinking when she sees you tomorrow...
...she's probably gonna realize, hey, you're not Bob.
I am hoping that when Bob doesn't show up...
...she will seek comfort in the open arms of the wry stranger at the next table.
Oh, my God. You are pure evil.
Okay, pure evil...
...horny and alone.
I've done this.
Yeah, yeah, everybody's here.
Hey, everybody. Say hi to Julie in New Mexico.
Hi, Julie.
Okay. While Ross is on the phone...
...everybody owes me 62 bucks for his birthday.
Um, is there any chance that you're rounding up from...
...you know, from like 20?
Hey, come on, we got the gift, the concert and the cake.
Do we need a cake?
Look, I know it's a little steep.
Whoosh.
But it's Ross.
- Yeah, it's Ross. Yeah, you're right.
All right? Okay. I'll see you later. I gotta go...
...do a thing.
Okay, sweetheart, I'll call you later tonight.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, you're not really going through with this, are you?
You know, I think I might just.
So, uh, what are you guys doing for dinner tonight?
Well, I guess I gotta start saving up for Ross' birthday.
So I guess I'll just stay home and eat dust bunnies.
Can you believe how much this is gonna cost?
Do you guys ever get the feeling that, um...
...Chandler and those guys...
...just don't get that we don't make as much money as they do?
- Yes. Really?
It's like they're always saying, "Let's go here, let's go there. "
- Like we can afford to go here and there. - Yeah.
Yes, and we always have to go to, you know, someplace nice, you know?
It's not like we can say anything about it, because, like, this is a birthday thing...
...you know, and it's for Ross.
- For Ross. - For Ross.
Oh, my God.
- Hi. - What?
Okay. I'm at work...
...just an ordinary day, you know, chop, chop, sauté, sauté.
All of a sudden, Leon, the manager, calls me into his office.
Turns out they fired the head lunch chef, and guess who got the job.
If it's not you, this is a horrible story.
- Fortunately, it is me. - Oh.
And they made me head of purchasing, thank you very much.
That's so cool.
Anyway, I just ran into Chandler and Ross. We should go out and celebrate.
You know, someplace nice.
- Someplace nice. Yeah.
How much you think I can get for my kidney?
I'm telling you, you can't do this.
Oh, come on, I can't get a girl like that with conventional methods.
That doesn't matter.
She wanted to call Bob.
Hey, for all we know, Bob is who she was meant to be with.
You may be destroying two people's chance for happiness.
We don't know Bob.
Okay? We know me. We like me. Please let me be happy.
Go over there and tell that woman the truth.
All right.
Go.
Hi.
Listen, I have to, uh, ahem...
I have to confess something.
Yes?
Whoever stood you up is a jerk.
- How did you... - I don't know.
I just had this weird sense. You know? But that's me, I'm weird and sensitive.
Tissue?
Thanks.
No, no, you keep the pack.
I'm all cried out today.
Okay, okay.
Here is to my sister, the newly appointed head lunch chef.
Who is also in charge of purchasing.
Newly appointed head lunch chef, also in charge of purchasing...
Who has her own little desk when Roland's not there.
Uh, lunch chef, purchasing, own little desk when Roland's not there...
...here's to my little sister... - Oh, wait. And I got a beeper.
Oh, cool.
- That's fine, I'll just wait. - Aw, sorry.
Oh, sorry, sorry.
Monica.
Are we ready to order?
Oh. You know, we haven't even looked yet.
Well, when you do, just let me know.
I'll be right over there on the edge of my seat.
Wow, look at these prices.
Yeah, these are pretty "cha-ching. "
I know. What are these, famous chickens?
- Sorry I'm late. Congratulations, Mon. - Thanks.
I'm not sorry I'm late. How incredible was my afternoon with Jade?
Well, pretty incredible, according to the message she left on my machine.
Hey, Chandler, why is this woman leaving a message for you on my machine?
See, I had to tell her that my number was your number.
I couldn't tell her my number was my number...
...because she thinks my number is Bob's number.
Hey, tell me again. What do I do when Mr. Roper calls?
Do I dare ask?
Yes, I'll start with the carpaccio, and then I'll have the grilled prawns.
That sounds great, same for me.
And for the gentleman?
Yeah, I'll have the Thai chicken pizza.
But, hey, look, if I get it without the nuts and leeks and stuff...
...is it cheaper?
You'd think, wouldn't you?
- Miss? - Okay.
I will have the, uh...
...side salad.
And what would that be on the side of?
I don't know.
Why don't you just put it right here next to my water?
And for you?
Um, I'm gonna have a cup of the cucumber soup...
...and, um...
...take care.
- I will have the, uh, Cajun catfish. - Anything else?
Yes, how about a verse of "Killing Me Softly"?
You're gonna sneeze in my fish, aren't you?
Plus tip, divided by six...
Okay, everyone owes 28 bucks.
Um, everyone?
Oh. You're right, I'm sorry.
Thank you.
It's Monica's big night. She shouldn't pay.
Aw, thank you.
So five of us is...
...33.50 apiece.
No. Uh-uh. No way. Sorry, not gonna happen.
Whoa. Whoa. Prom night flashback.
Sorry, Monica. I'm really happy you got promoted...
...but cold cucumber mush for 30-something bucks?
No.
Rachel just had that little salad...
...and Joey with his, like, teeny pizza.
Okay, Pheebs.
How about we'll each just pay for what we had, okay?
- It's no big deal. - Not for you.
All right, what's going on?
Okay, look, I really don't wanna get into this right now.
- It'll just make everybody uncomfortable. - Oh, fine. All right, fine.
- What? Whoa, whoa. - You can tell us.
Yeah, hello? It's us. All right? We'll be fine.
Ahem. Okay, um...
Uh, we three feel like that, uh, ahem...
...sometimes you guys don't get that, uh, ahem...
We don't have as much money as you.
- Okay. - I hear you.
We can talk about that.
Well, then...
...let's.
Well, um, I guess I just never think of money as an issue.
- That's because you have it. - That's a good point.
So, um, how come you guys haven't talked about this before?
Because it's always something, you know? Like with Monica's new job...
...or the whole Ross' birthday hoopla.
What? Whoa, hey.
I don't want my birthday to be the source of any kind of negative...
There's gonna be a hoopla?
Basically there's the thing, and then the stuff after the thing and it's...
If it makes anybody feel better, we can just forget the thing...
...and we'll just do the gift.
Gift? The thing's not the gift?
No, the thing was we were gonna go see Hootie and the Blowfish.
Hootie and the... Oh, my... I can catch them on the radio.
No. Now I feel bad. You wanna go to the concert.
No, look, hey, it's my birthday...
...and the important thing is that we all be together.
- All of us. - Together.
Not at the concert.
- Okay. Thank you. - Thanks.
Yeah.
So, the Ebola virus. That's gotta suck, huh?
Gee, Monica. What's in the bag?
I don't know, Chandler. Let's take a look.
Oh, it's like a skit.
Why, it's dinner for six. Five steaks...
...and an eggplant for Phoebe.
We switched meat suppliers at work, and they gave me the steaks as a thank-you.
But wait, there's more. Hey, Chandler, what is in that envelope?
By the way, this didn't seem so dorky out in the hall.
Come on.
Why, it's six tickets to Hootie and the Blowfish.
The Blowfish.
It's on us, all right? So don't worry. This is our treat.
So... thank you.
Could you be less enthused?
Look, it's a nice gesture. It is.
But it just feels like...
Like?
- Charity. - Charity?
We're just trying to do a nice thing here.
But, Ross, you have to understand, your nice thing makes us feel about this big.
Actually, it makes us feel that big.
What? I don't understand. I mean, it's like we can't win with you guys.
If you guys feel this big, maybe that's not our fault.
Maybe that's just how you feel.
Oh.
- Now you're telling us how we feel. - We never should have talked about this.
I'm gonna pass on the concert...
...because I'm just not in a very Hootie place right now.
- Me neither. - Me too.
Guys, we bought the tickets.
Well, then you'll have extra seats, you know, for all your tiaras and stuff.
Why did you look at me when you said that?
So I guess now we can't go.
Come on, do what you want. Do we always have to do everything together?
You know what? You're right.
- Fine. - Fine.
- All right.
We're gonna go.
It's not for another six hours. We're gonna go then.
- Chandler? - Yeah.
Oh, jeez.
- Are you ready? - Yes.
Just let me grab my jacket and tell you I had sex today.
Whoa, whoa.
What? You had sex today?
Wow. It sounds even cooler when somebody else says it.
I was awesome, okay? She was biting her lip to stop from screaming.
Wow.
Now, I know it's been a while, but I took that as a good sign.
Still doing the screening thing?
I had sex today.
I never have to answer that phone again.
Here comes the beep. You know what to do.
Hey, Bob. It's Jade.
I just wanted to tell you I was really hurt when you didn't show up the other day.
And just so you know, I ended up meeting a guy.
Bob here.
Oh, hi.
So, uh, you met someone, huh?
Yes. Yes, I did.
In fact, I had sex with him two hours ago.
So, uh, how was he?
Eh...
"Eh"?
Oh, Bob, he was nothing compared to you.
I had to bite my lip to keep from screaming your name.
Well, that makes me feel so good.
It was just so awkward and bumpy.
Bumpy?
Maybe he had some kind of, uh, new cool style that you're not familiar with.
And, uh, maybe you have to get used to it.
There wasn't much time to get used to it...
...if you know what I mean.
You know what? I'm not gonna be able to enjoy this.
Yeah, I know. It's my birthday. We all should be here.
So let's go.
Well, you know, maybe we should stay for one song.
Yeah, I mean, it would be rude to them for us to leave now.
You know, the guys are probably having a great time.
Every time I look at you I go blind
Come on, you guys. One more time.
Okay.
- One. - No.
Thank you very much. We are Hootie & The Blowfish.
- That was amazing. - Excellent.
I can't believe the guys missed this.
What guys? Oh, yeah.
Excuse me. You're Monica Geller, aren't you?
- Do I know you? - You used to be my baby-sitter.
Oh, my God. Little Stevie Fisher?
How have you been?
Good, good. I'm a lawyer now.
You can't be a lawyer. You're 8.
Well, listen, it was nice to see you. I gotta run backstage.
Wait, backstage?
Oh, yeah. My firm represents the band.
- Ross. - Chandler.
- Look, you guys wanna meet the group? - Yeah, we do.
Come on.
So, look, are you one of the ones that fooled around with my dad?
- Hey, you guys. Happy birthday.
Oh, thank you. Thanks.
So, uh...
How was your night last night?
Oh, well, it pretty much sucked. How was yours?
Yeah, ours pretty much sucked too.
Oh, but I did run into Stevie Fisher. Remember him?
Oh, yeah. I used to baby-sit him.
Hey, how's his dad?
Good.
Uh, aside from that, the whole evening was pretty much a bust.
Yeah, we really missed you guys.
Yeah, look, we were just saying, this whole thing is so stupid.
We just have to really, really not let stuff like money, get like...
Is that a hickey?
Oh, ha, ha, no, I just...
I fell down.
On someone's lips?
Where'd you get the hickey?
- You know, a party or... - What party?
Well, it wasn't a party so much as a... A gathering of people.
With food and music and...
And the band.
You partied with Hootie and the Blowfish?
Yes. Apparently, Stevie and Hootie are like this.
Who gave you that hickey?
That would be the work of a Blowfish.
I can't believe it. I can't believe this.
We're just sitting at home, trying to guess Joey's fingers...
...and you guys are out, like, partying and having fun and all:
"Hey, Blowfish, suck on my neck. "
Hey, look, don't blame us. You guys could've been there.
Oh, what? As part of your Poor Friends Outreach program?
Oh, great. It's work.
Look, I don't know what to say. I'm sorry that we make more than you.
But we're not gonna feel guilty about it. We work really hard for it.
And we don't work hard?
Yeah, hi, it's Monica. I got a page.
I'm just saying that sometimes we like to do stuff that costs a little more.
- Oh, and you feel like we hold you back. - Yes.
No.
Leon, wait. Shh! Guys.
Wait, I don't understand.
Those steaks were just a gift from the meat vendor.
That was not a kickback.
Come on, I'll just replace them and we can forget the whole thing.
What corporate policy?
Yeah.
Okay.
I just got fired.
Here's your check. That'll be 4.12.
Let me get that.
You got 5 bucks?
Here comes the beep. You know what to do.
Hi, it's me.
Listen, Bob, I'm probably way out of line here.
I mean, it has been three years, and you're probably seeing someone else now...
...but if we could just have one night together, just for old time's sake...
One hot, steamy, wild night...