Ah, excuse me, this is a...
Closed set. We know. But we're friends with the monkey, hmm?
Good morning.
Look who I brought!
Your old friend, Harry Elafonte!
Whoa, dude. Burn!
I don't get it.
He seemed so happy to see me yesterday.
Don't take it personal. He's under pressure, starring in a movie and all.
Oh.
How big of a star is Marcel?
In human terms? I'd say...
...Cybill Shepherd. Whoa.
Really? Whoa.
So you guys in the movie or you just really paranoid?
- Hey, Sal? - Mm-hm?
Jerry wants to know if the monkey's ready.
Excuse me?
Jerry is the director? Which one's he?
- The one in the director's chair? Gotcha.
Pheebs, walk with me.
Okay.
Um, why am I walking with you?
Well, uh, we're just going over here so that we can get away from...
...the horrible flesh-eating virus!
For the love of God, woman, listen to me!
Is he looking? Is he looking?
We've got a problem. - Tell me.
I can't do Chris' makeup.
She refuses to acknowledge her mustache.
- Is it bad? - It looks like her eyebrow fell down.
Unless we convince her to let me bleach it...
...Jean-Claude Van Damme will be making out with Gabe Kaplan.
I'll talk to her.
I hate actors.
Nice camouflage. For a minute there, I almost didn't see you.
- Excuse me. Whoa. - Ah!
Uh, is your name Chandler?
Uh, yes, it is.
Chandler Bing.
Do you know me or are you just really good at this game?
I'm Susie Moss.
Fourth grade? Glasses?
I carried a box of animal crackers like a purse?
Susie Moss!
Right! Yeah! Wow!
You look...
Great job growing up.
It's nice to see you don't still wear the cap with the mirrors on it.
Oh, I graduated fourth grade and realized I wasn't a pimp.
Heh, heh. Remember the class play?
You pulled up my skirt and the entire auditorium saw my underpants?
Yes. Back then, I, uh, used humor as a defense mechanism.
Thank God I don't do that anymore.
- Oh, my God! - What? What?
It's Jean-Claude Van Damme.
I didn't know he was in this movie. He is so hot!
You think?
The Muscles from Brussels? Wham-Bam-Van-Damme?
Did you see Timecop?
No. Was he any good in it?
Rachel, he totally changed time!
Wow.
- So why don't you go talk to him? - Oh. Yeah.
Go tell him he's cute. What's the worst that could happen?
He could hear me.
Oh.
- I'm doing it for you. - Don't you dare! Don't!
Don't!
Tell him I cook!
Excuse me.
- Hi. Ha, ha. - Hi.
Um, this is gonna sound kind of goofy. Ha, ha.
But, um, my friend over there...
...who cooks, by the way...
Um, she thinks you're cute. Heh.
You don't think I'm cute?
I don't know. Um...
Do you think you're cute?
We're getting off the track. Um, I was supposed to tell you...
...my friend thinks you're cute.
What should I tell her?
You can tell her I think her friend is cute.
- Oh. Ha, ha. - Huh?
Whoa. Ha, ha.
Makeup! - Oh, that's me. I gotta go.
Oh, uh...
Okay.
Um, how many times do I have to touch you on the arm before you ask me on a date?
Well, uh, let's try one more.
There you go. Ernie's, 8:00?
I'll be there.
And if things go well, maybe this time...
...I'll get to see your underwear.
No one was around to hear that?
- So, what'd he say? - Ugh!
What a jerk!
I kept talking about you, and he kept asking me out.
Oh.
Naturally, you know, I said no.
Well...
Thanks, anyway.
He just kept asking...
...and asking, asking, asking...
If you want to go out with him, you can.
Sounds like a jerk to me, but...
Jean-Claude, she said yes! I'll see you tonight!
Thank you.
Then Jean-Claude took me to Crossroads...
...and we hung out with Drew Barrymore.
Oh, man. She's so smoking!
She's got the greatest set of...
No guys around, huh?
- Anybody need anything? - Oh, I'll have an espresso.
Oh, I'll get it.
If I ask you to, you'll end up drinking it yourself.
- That is so unfair. - I know.
Like you'd drink her coffee after what you did to her with Van Damme?
I have to cancel racquetball tonight.
Marcel's trainer will let me have him for a couple of hours.
You're blowing me off for a monkey?
We can reschedule for Saturday.
Yeah, unless you hook up with a bunch of pigeons.
Hey.
Stick a fork in me...
...I am done!
Uh...
Stick a fork what?
Like when you're cooking a steak.
Oh, I don't eat meat.
How do you know vegetables are done?
Well, you don't. You eat them and you can tell.
Okay, then eat me, I'm done!
Mm.
- I've met the perfect woman. - What?
We're sitting on her couch, fooling around...
...and then she turns to me and says:
"Did you ever want to do it in an elevator?"
What did you say?
I believe my exact words were:
How do you know if you wanna do that?
Oh, you just know.
Oh, we gotta go. Got a reservation in 30 minutes.
No, no, no.
What I had planned shouldn't take more than two, three minutes, tops.
Two hundred seconds of passion! We gotta go.
But, um...
...here's an idea.
Have you ever worn women's underwear?
Well, yes, actually...
...but, uh, they were my Aunt Edna's.
And there were three of us in there.
I was thinking it would be, um, kind of sexy...
...if you wore mine tonight at dinner.
You want me to wear your panties?
Could you?
If I was wearing your underwear...
...then, uh, what would you be wearing?
You're swell!
I made Marcel's favorite dish, banana cake...
- Ooh. ... with mealworm.
Ah.
- Candle. Ha, ha. - Ha, ha.
What do you think is gonna happen here tonight?
Hello.
Oh, hi, are you on your way over...?
Oh.
No, I understand. A monkey's gotta work.
It's no big deal.
It's not like I, uh, had anything special planned, you know.
Yeah, okay. Okay. Okay, bye.
Okay. Rachel, why don't you start talking first?
All right. I feel that this is totally unjustified.
She gave me the green light, I did nothing...
Do you think I can't see you in the TV set?
Monica, if there's something you'd like to share...
You had no right to date him!
- That's the most ridiculous... - You sold me out!
- I did not! - You absolutely...
Would you let me talk!
Did you just flick me?
Well, you wouldn't let me finish and I was...
- Ow, that hurt! - Ow.
Quit flicking!
Ow! Stop flicking!
You flicked me first!
Ow!
Okay, no, no.
Let's not do this!
- Come on. Happy thoughts. No! No!
Happy thoughts! Happy thoughts!
No! Ow! No!
Oh! Oh! Oh, God!
Oh! Ow!
Now I'm gonna kick some ass!
- Ow. - Ow.
Ow, ow, ow.
All right. Now, I will let go if you both stop.
- Oh! You want me to stop seeing him? - Uh-huh.
You want me to just tell him you're seeing him instead?
- Is that what you want? - Okay.
Oh, that's what you want?
Yes.
- Fine! - Fine!
There we go.
- Ow. - Oh.
Ha. If we were in prison, you guys would be, like, my bitches.
Thanks for letting me tag along.
Forget about it.
- How you doing there, squirmy? - I'm hanging in.
And a little out.
So assistant to the director?
That's an exciting job. You must have a ton of responsibilities...
I don't do the casting.
So, what are you guys gonna eat?
How come all I can think about is putting that ice in my mouth...
...and licking you all over?
Because I went to an all-boys high school, and God is making up for it?
I want you right here...
...right now.
Right now, right here?
Don't you think we're in kind of a public place?
They do have the shrimp.
- Oh. - Meet me in the bathroom.
I'm going to the bathroom now.
Come on.
All right, mister.
Let's see those panties.
Alrighty.
Ooh. Ooh.
But you know what would be even sexier?
What?
If you didn't have your shirt tucked into them.
Oh.
All right. Now, I would like to see you wearing nothing but them.
Take your clothes off.
But, uh, I hope you realize this means...
...we'll miss hearing about the specials.
Come on, hurry!
Do you want this done quick or done right?
All right, turn around. I wanna see you from behind.
Oh, oh. Somebody's been doing his Buns of Steel video.
So you want me to, uh, clench anything or?
Susie?
This, ha, ha, is for the fourth grade.
- Huh? What do you mean? - What do I mean?
What do I mean?
I mean underpants, mister! That's what I mean!
What? What do you mean?
My skirt...
...you lifted. Kids laughing!
I was Susie Underpants till I was 18!
That was in fourth grade! How could you still be upset?
Well, um...
Call me in 20 years and tell me if you're still upset about this.
I hope you realize you're not getting these underpants back!
I can't believe this. Ha, ha.
Just two weeks ago, I was watching Sudden Death...
...and now I'm on a date with Jean-Claude Van Damme.
Can you beat up that guy?
Yeah.
- Can you beat up that guy? - Sure.
Oh, this is so wild.
I gotta admit, I was surprised that you agreed to go on a blind date.
Normally, I would not do it.
Yeah?
What made you make the exception for me?
Rachel told me, uh...
...you were dying to have a threesome with me and, uh, Drew Barrymore.
By the way, Drew has some ground rules and...
- Say you're sorry! - No!
Say it!
No! I'm not gonna!
- Say it! Say it! Great! - Oh!
Rachel.
Say you're sorry or your sweater gets it.
That is my favorite sweater! That is my third-date sweater!
Say you're sorry.
You wanna play? Okay, let's play.
Let's play.
What are you gonna do?
Give me back my sweater or it's handbag marinara.
You don't have the guts.
Yeah? At least I wasn't too chicken to tell some guy he was cute.
Oh, all right, stop! Stop the madness!
This is crazy!
Who can remember why you're fighting in the first place?
Yes, that's right.
But still...
Look at your purse!
Look at your sweater!
Look at yourselves!
I'll help you fix your sweater.
I'll help you...
...throw out your purse.
I'm sorry I made you stop seeing him.
I'm sorry I went out with him when I knew you liked him.
I'm sorry that I borrowed your gloves.
Joey?
Ma?
Joey!
What are you doing here? I thought you guys took off.
She took off with my clothes!
- Are you naked in there? - Well, not exactly.
I'm wearing panties.
Huh.
You, uh, always wear panties?
No, no. This is the first time.
Wow. Talk about your bad luck!
I mean, the first time you try panties and someone walks off with your clothes.
I was not trying them out. Susie asked me to wear them.
Let me see!
No! I'm not letting you or anybody else see, ever!
All right, all right!
Whoa.
Someone's flossing!
Joey, some people don't like that.
Chandler's wearing panties.
What?
- Let me see! You don't have to see!
Hi, tushy!
- One of you give me your underpants. - Oh, no.
I'm not wearing any.
How can you not be wearing any?
Oh. I'm getting heat from the guy in the hot-pink thong.
Look, Ross. I'll give you $50 for your underpants.
Hey.
- Can I have the milk? - I'm almost done with it.
Keep your panties on.
Hey. Hey.
- And I'm in the movie! - Hey.
- What happened? - A virus victim called in sick...
...so Cathy recommended me and boom! I'm dying on a gurney!
- Hey! - Oh.
Oh, Marcel just finished his last scene, if you wanna go say goodbye.
Uh, that's okay. He's probably got parties to go to and stuff.
You know, he's moved on. That's the way it goes, right?
Oh, my God!
What?
I think I want to write a song about all this.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
Ooh, except one of the strings on my guitar is broken.
Chandler, can I borrow your G-string?
- How long you been waiting to say that? - About 20 minutes!
Can't you see what's going on here? This man is dying!
Cut!
Can't you see what's going on here? This man is dying!
Cut!
Can't you see what's going on here? This man is dying!
- Mommy! - Ah.
Can't you see what's going on? This man is dead!