Hey, Eddie. Aah!
- What are you doing here? - Watching you sleep.
Why?
It makes me feel, um, peaceful.
Ha, ha. Ahem. Please.
I can't sleep now!
Oh, you want me to sing?
No. Look.
That's it. I want you out of the apartment now!
Oh, what are you talking about?
Hannibal Lecter?
Better roommate than you.
No.
I don't think you're being fair! One night you see me, you get scared.
What about the other nights when you don't see me, huh?
Last night you went and got some water...
...and I was nice enough to hide behind the door. What that about, huh?
- I didn't realize that. - Ah.
Get out now!
Okay. You really want me out?
Yes, please.
Then I want to hear you say you want me out.
I want you out.
I want to hear it from your lips.
Where'd you hear it before?
Oh, right, all right. You know what? Consider me gone.
I'll be out by the time you get home from work tomorrow.
Thank you. I heard that.
- Thanks. - Hey.
- Hey.
Well, look at you!
Finally got that time machine working, huh?
You like it?
This guy was selling them on 8th Avenue and I thought:
- "You know what I don't have?" - A mirror?
Fine, make fun. I think it's jaunty.
Wow! For a guy who's recently lost his job, you're in a good mood.
I'll be all right. I'm not starting from square one.
I was Dr. Drake Ramoray on Days of our Lives.
Huh? That's got to have some kind of cachet.
Cachet? Jaunty?
Chandler gave me word-of-the-day toilet paper.
I'm gonna get some coffee.
- Hey. Hey.
Oh! So? Did you read the book?
Oh, my God. It was incredible!
Didn't it, like, totally speak to you?
- Whoa, whoa, what book is this? - Oh.
Uh! You have to read this book. It's called Be Your Own Wind Keeper.
Ooh. It's about how women need to become more empowered.
And, oh! But there's wind.
And the wind can make us goddesses.
Do you know who takes our wind? Men. They just take it.
Men just take our wind?
Uh-huh. All the time. Because they are the lightning-bearers.
- Wow. Yeah.
That sounds kind of cool. It's like The Hobbit.
It is nothing like The Hobbit.
It's like reading about every relationship I've ever had.
Except for Richard.
Oh, yes. No. Richard would never steal your wind.
- No. No.
- Because he's yummy. - Yes.
But all the other ones.
Oh, and the part about how they're always drinking...
...from our pool of inner power.
But God forbid we should take a sip.
Anybody want a cruller?
This is a typical lightning-bearer thing.
Right there. It's like, um...
..."Hello. Who wants one of my phallic-shaped man-cakes?"
Don't worry about it, already! Things happen.
So you're not mad at me for getting fired and everything?
Joey, look at me.
Look at me!
Do I have lipstick on my teeth?
No.
Uh, can we get back to me?
Look, honey. People get fired left and right in this business.
I already got you an audition for Another World.
All right!
"Cab Driver Number 2"?
You're welcome.
But... But I was Dr. Drake Ramoray!
How can I go from being a neurosurgeon to driving a cab?
Things change. Roll with them.
But this is a two-line part!
It's like taking a step backwards.
I'm not gonna do this.
Joey.
I'm gonna tell you the same thing I told Al Minza...
...and his pyramid of dogs.
Take any job you can get, and don't make on the floor.
I'm sorry.
I'll see you.
Uh, God!
Oh, God! I mean, it's just so...
Isn't it?
Uh. This is like reading about my own life!
This book could have been called Be Your Own Wind Keeper, Rachel!
It wouldn't have sold a million copies...
...but it would've made a nice gift for you.
- Hey, you guys. - Hey.
Uh, sweetie, we've gotta go.
No!
No? Heh.
No! Why do we always have to do everything according to your timetable?
Actually, it's the movie theater that has the timetable.
It's so you don't miss the beginning.
This isn't about the movie theater. This is about you stealing my wind.
You go, girl!
I can't pull that off, can I?
Excuse me, your wind?
Yes, my wind.
How do you expect me to grow if you won't let me blow?
You know I don't...
...have a problem with that.
Okay.
I just really need to be with myself right now.
I'm sorry.
Mm, mm, mm. - Uh, you're right.
I don't have to apologize.
Sorry. Damn it!
- What is it? - I don't know.
It's got all this stuff about wind and trees...
...and some sacred pool.
I don't really get it. But she's pretty upset about it.
This is why I don't date women who read.
Uh-oh.
What? What's that?
It's my VISA bill.
Envelope one of two.
- That can't be good. - Open it, open it.
- Oh, my God! - Whoa!
Look at this! How did I spend so much money?
Uh, that's just the minimum amount. That's your total.
Aah!
Whoa, whoa. Thirty-five hundred dollars at "Porcelain Safari"?
My animals.
The guy said they suited me. He spoke with an accent. I was confused.
Oh.
I don't know what to do!
You can start by driving a cab on Another World.
- What? - That audition?
That's a two-line part!
Joey, you owe $1100 at "I Love Lucite. "
- So what? - So suck it up, man.
It's a job. It's money.
I don't need you getting judgmental and condescending and pedantic.
- Toilet paper? - Yeah.
I'm not being any of those things. I'm being realistic.
- You're supposed to be my friend! - I am your friend.
Then tell me things like, "You'll be fine. "
And "Something big's gonna come along. I know it!"
But I don't know it.
What I do know is you owe $2300 at "Isn't It Chromantic?"
I'm aware of what I owe.
Then get some sense. It took you 10 years to get that job.
- How long till you get another? - I don't want to hear this!
I'm just saying...
Well, don't "just say"!
Oh. Maybe I should just go.
Okay.
I'll see you later.
Just think about it.
I don't need to think about it!
I was Dr. Drake Ramoray!
That was huge!
Big things are gonna happen! You'll see!
Ross!
You still there?
- Hey, pal. - Oh, God!
What are you still doing here?
Uh, just some basic dehydrating of fruits and vegetables.
Man alive, this thing's fantastic!
Aren't you forgetting anything?
Oh, yeah. I got us a new goldfish.
He's feistier than the last one.
Maybe because the last one was made by Pepperidge Farm.
Eddie, isn't there something else you're supposed to be doing now?
Not unless it's got something to do with dehydrating.
Because right now, I'm a dehydrating maniac!
I thought we had a deal.
- I thought by the time I got... - Uh, uh.
You know what that is?
Your last roommate's kidney?
That's a tomato. Ha, ha.
This one definitely goes in the display.
It's in the display.
Hey, Gunther. Let me get a, uh, lemonade to go.
Lemonade?
You okay, man?
Ahh, it's career stuff.
They killed off my character on the show.
Oh, that's too bad. How'd they do it?
I fell down an elevator shaft.
Oh. That sucks.
I was buried in an avalanche.
What?
I used to be Brice on All My Children.
Why must everybody watch me sleep?
There'll be no more watching me sleep! No more...
...watching! - I...
Neh.
I got some great stuff to dehydrate. Grapes, apricots.
I thought it'd be cool to see what happens with these water balloons.
Get out. Get out, get out, get out!
- What? - You! Move out!
Take your fruit! Your stupid small fruit and get out!
You want me to move out? Uh...
Uh-huh.
Heh. I, uh...
Ooh! Ha, ha. I gotta tell you, that's kind of out of the blue, don't you think?
This is not out of the blue!
This is smack-dab in the middle of the blue!
Whoa!
Relax! Take it easy, buddy!
You don't have to tell me twice.
God, I mean, someone will be by for my stuff.
If you think I'm leaving you alone with my fish, you're insane!
You want some help?
No help required, chico!
All the way to the airport, huh? You know, that's over 30 miles.
That's gonna cost you about so bucks.
Excuse me, that's "50" bucks.
- What? - Five-O dollars.
Oh. You know what it is? It's smudgy because they're fax pages.
When I was on Days ofour Lives as Dr. Drake Ramoray...
...they'd send over the whole script on real paper.
Ha, ha. That's great.
If you wanted to expand this scene, like have the cab crash...
...I could attend to the victims...
...because I have a background in medical acting.
Okay, listen, thanks for coming in.
No. Uh, don't thank me for coming in. Uh, at least let me finish.
Uh, we could take the expressway...
...but, uh, this time of day you're better off taking the budge.
You were going for bridge there, weren't you?
I'll have a good day.
Okay, question number 28.
"Have you ever allowed a lightning-bearer to take your wind?"
I would have to say no.
And I would have to say, "Pah, ha. "
What?
Do you not remember the puppet guy?
You totally let him wash his feet in the pool of your inner power.
And his puppet too!
Well, at least I didn't let some guy...
...into the forest of my righteous truth on the first date!
- Who? - Paul!
Oh!
Okay, okay, moving on, moving on. Next question.
Okay, number 29.
"Have you ever betrayed another goddess...
...for a lightning-bearer?" Okay, number 30.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Let's go back to 29.
Not, uh...
Ahem. Not to my recollection.
Danny Arshack, ninth grade.
You know the bottle was pointing at me.
Only because you took up half the circle!
Listen to you two. It's so sad.
Oh!
Looks like I'll be going to the goddess meetings alone.
Mm.
Not when they find out you slept with Jason...
...an hour after he broke up with Monica.
One hour?
- You are such a leaf blower! Oh!
Ugh!
Ugh.
Oh, hey, uh, be careful with that 3-D Last Supper.
Judas is a little loose.
Oh, my God! What's going on?
They're taking all my stuff back. I guess you were right.
No, I wasn't right. That's what I came here to tell you.
I was totally hung up on my own stuff the other day.
No, listen. I need the whole security thing, you know?
To know where my next paycheck is coming from. But you don't need that.
And that's amazing to me.
I could never do what you do.
- Thanks. - You hold out for something bigger.
I can't tell you how much respect I have...
...for you not going to that stupid audition.
- I went. - Great! How did it go?
- I didn't get it. - Good for you!
You're living the dream!
- Huh? - Ha, ha.
All right, then!
- Oh, not my parrot. - What?
I can't watch this.
Hey, hold on, hold on.
How much for the, uh? How much to save the bird?
- Twelve hundred. - Dollars?
You spent $1200 on a plastic bird?
Uh, it was an impulse buy. Near the register.
Go ahead with the bird.
- Do you have anything for around $200? - Uh.
The dog.
- Huh? - Yeah.
I'll take it.
My gift to you, man.
Thanks, Ross!
I really liked that bird, though.
- But the dog! Oh! - Yeah. Right?
Here are your cakes.
We didn't order cake.
No, I know. Ahem. They're from me.
You guys, this is not good.
We have enough trouble with guys stealing our wind...
...without taking it from each other.
- You're right. You know?
I love you goddesses.
I love you.
I don't ever want to suck your wind again.
Oh.
- Thank you. So are we good? - Oh. We're good.
- We're good? - Yes.
Okay. Let me take these back. They'll take it out of my paycheck.
Ding-dong, the psycho's gone!
- Are you sure this time? Yes.
I actually saw him leave.
That guy is holding a human head.
He's holding a human head!
Check it out, man!
I tore it off a mannequin in the alley behind Macy's. Ha, ha.
There is no alley behind Macy's.
So I got it in the junior miss department. Big diff.
It'll make a hell of a conversation piece at our next cocktail party, huh?
"Our next cocktail party"?
Yeah, you know, we'll put chips in it. We'll make it a chip chick.
Eddie, do you remember yesterday?
Uh, yes, I think I vaguely recall it.
Ahem. Do you remember talking to me yesterday?
Uh, yes.
So, what happened?
We took a road trip to Las Vegas!
Oh, sweet Moses!
So on this road trip, uh, did you win any money?
Nah, I crapped out. But Mr. 21 here! He cleans up!
$300! He buys me these new shoes. Sweet, huh?
Nice.
Uh, see you upstairs. See you, pals!
Is anyone else starting to really like him?
May I help you?
Why doesn't my key work, and what's my stuff doing downstairs?
I'm sorry. Aah.
Have we met?
It's Eddie, you freak! Your roommate.
I'm sorry, I, uh...
...I already have a roommate.
Hello.
Um, he's lived here for years. I don't know what you're talking about.
No, no. He's, uh...
No, he moved out and I moved in.
Well, I think we'd remember something like that.
I know I would. Ha, ha.
That's, uh, a good point. Um...
Okay, wow. Huh.
I guess I got the wrong apartment.
Look, I'm...
- I'm terribly sorry. - Hey, no problem.
See you.
Goodbye, you fruit-drying psychopath.
- You want me to help you unpack? - Nah, I'm okay. Oh, and, uh...
Just so you know, I'm not moving back in because I have to.
I mean, I do have to, but...
It's just that that place, it wasn't really...
I mean, this is...
Welcome home, man.
- A little foos? - Absolutely!
What happened to the foosball?
It's a cantaloupe.
Are we gonna bring this out every time Ross comes over?
He paid a lot of money for it.
- I'm gonna hold him a different way. - All right.
If you hated it so much, why'd you buy it in the first place?
Well, I had a whole ceramic-zoo thing going over there.
But without the other ones, it looks tacky.
Is he housetrained or will he leave little bathroom tiles all over?
Stay.
Uh, stay!
Good fake dog.