So I'll get candles and my mom's lace tablecloth.
Since it's Rachel's birthday and we want it to be special...
...I thought I'd poach a salmon. Oh.
What?
Question: Why do we always have to have parties where you poach things?
You wanna be in charge of the food committee?
Question two: Why do we always have parties with committees?
Yeah, yeah. Why can't we just get some pizzas...
...and gets some beers and have fun? - Yeah.
Yeah, I agree. You know, I think fancy parties are only fun...
...if you're fancy on the inside, and I'm just not sure we are.
All right. You guys don't want it to be special?
Fine. You can throw any kind of party you want.
- Joey, they're not real. - Huh? Huh.
I start miles beneath the surface of these things, okay? They're fake.
See? Honk, honk.
Wow, it's like porno for clowns.
I talked to Rachel's sisters. Neither of them can come.
Okay, so I still have to invite Dylan and Emma and Shannon Cooper.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Uh, no Shannon Cooper.
Why not her?
Because she, uh... She steals stuff.
Or maybe she doesn't steal stuff...
...and Joey slept with her and never called her back.
- Joey, that is horrible. - Hey, I liked her.
All right? Maybe too much. I don't know.
I guess I just got scared.
I'm sorry. I didn't know.
Heh. I didn't think anyone would buy that. Okay.
- Hi, honey. How did it go? - Ugh. It was the graduation from hell.
You know, my cousin went to hell on a football scholarship.
You know, I mean, this is supposed to be a joyous occasion.
My sister's graduating from college. Nobody thought she would.
It's a true testament to what a girl from Long Island would do for a Celica.
- So, what happened? - My parents happened.
All they had to do was sit in the same stadium, smile proudly...
...and not talk about the divorce. But no.
They got into a huge fight in the middle of the commencement address.
Bishop Tutu actually had to stop and shush them.
Ugh. But you know what? You know what the good news is?
I get to serve coffee for the next eight hours.
Okay, so I guess we don't invite her parents.
- Well, how about just her mom? - Why her mom?
Because I already invited her.
Ooh, did you ask Stacy Roth?
Uh, can't invite her.
She also steals.
Okay, here are the candles. Where's the birthday cake?
Okay, we're not having birthday cake. We're having birthday flan.
Excuse me?
It's a traditional Mexican custard dessert.
Whoa, that's nice.
Happy birthday, Rachel. Here's some goo.
Dr. Green.
Oh, my God. It's Rachel's dad.
What are you doing here?
What, the father can't drop by to see the daughter on her birthday?
No, no, the father can.
But, um, since I am the roommate, I can tell you that she's not here.
And I'll pass along the message. Okay? So bye-bye.
Oh. You're having a party.
No, no, not a party.
Just a surprise gathering of some people Rachel knows.
- Uh, this is Phoebe and Chandler and Joey. - I'll never remember all of that.
So, uh, what's the deal?
Rachel comes home, people pop out and yell stuff? Is that it?
This isn't your first surprise party, is it, sir?
Hi, Monica.
The Chinese menu guy. Forgot the menus.
So basically, just a Chinese guy.
Hey, Dr. Green, come with me. We'll put your jacket on Rachel's bed.
All right. That sounds like a two-person job.
Well, my goodness. What was that?
Sandra, I am so sorry. I thought you were Rachel.
And we weren't ready for you yet.
- You thought I was Rachel? - Yes, because, uh, you look so young.
And because you're both, you know, white women.
Oh, I missed you kids.
Well, should I put my coat in the bedroom?
No.
- No, I'll take that for you. - Oh, well, thank you.
- Okay. - Such a gentleman. Thank you.
Oh.
Oh, it all looks so nice. So festive. All the balloons.
Oh, the funniest thing happened to me on the way here.
- I was driving... - That's great. Ha-ha-ha.
I can't wait to hear the rest, but I have to go to the bathroom.
So... Hey, come with me.
- What? - Yeah, yeah. It will be like we're gal pals.
You know, like at a restaurant. Oh, it'll be fun. Come on.
Ha, ha. Come on.
- Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. - Okay, think. Think.
What would Jack and Chrissy do?
Okay, now that your coat is safely in the bed...
Okay. We can come back out in the living room. Ha, ha.
So, Joey and Chandler, I think it's time that you take Dr. Green over to your place.
Uh, yes, absolutely.
Um, why, again?
Because that's where the party is, you goon.
See, this is just the staging area.
- Right, it's the staging area. - This is the staging area.
This is clearly in the wrong apartment.
All right, you guys are off to party number one.
And you... You are off to party number two.
All right, fellas, let's keep it moving, let's keep it moving.
Chandler, could you at least send some women to my party.
Okay, that's Ross. All right.
Okay, they're coming. Shh!
Thank you for such a wonderful dinner.
Thanks for being born.
Oh, thank you for my beautiful earrings. They're perfect.
- Aw. - I love you.
Oh. Now, you can exchange them if you want, okay?
Hmm. Now I love you even more.
Surprise!
Oh, my gosh. Wow.
Oh, Monica. Oh, my God. Mom.
This is so great.
Happy birthday, sweetie.
Wow. You. I had no idea.
- Really? - No, I knew.
All right.
Everybody, there's food and drinks on the table.
- Go across the hall. What?
Right now, Joey and Chandler's. Go.
- Why? - Just go.
- Weird. Surprise!
Happy birthday, sweet pea.
Daddy! Ha, ha.
Both of them are here? Both of them? Both of them are here?
Well, we could count again?
- I can't believe this is happening. - You know what? This is ridiculous.
Okay, this is your birthday, this is your party.
I say we just put them all together. If they can't deal with it, who cares?
- I do. - That's who.
Look, are you gonna be okay?
Well, I have to be. I don't really have a choice.
I mean, I can look at the bright side.
I get two birthday parties and two birthday cakes.
Well, actually just one birthday flan.
- What? - It's a traditional Mexican custard dessert.
Look, talk to Monica. She's on the food committee.
Joe, Joe, hey, some girl just walked up to me and said, "I want you, Dennis"...
...and stuck her tongue down my throat.
I love this party.
- Quick volleyball question. - Volleyball.
Yeah, we set up a court in your room.
Uh, you didn't like that gray lamp, did you?
Joey, a woman just stuck her tongue down my throat.
I'm not even listening to you.
Dennis. - Okay, that's me.
Listen, ahem, honey, can you keep Dad occupied?
I'm gonna go talk to Mom for a while.
Okay, do you have any ideas for any openers?
Uh, let's just stay clear of "I'm the guy that's doing your daughter"...
...and you should be okay.
Okay, people, I want you to take a piece of paper...
Here you go. And write down your most embarrassing memory.
And I do ask that when you're not using the markers...
...you put the caps back on them...
...because they will dry out.
Hi, Dr. Green.
So how's everything in the, uh...
...vascular surgery game?
It's not a game, Ross. A woman died on my table today.
I'm sorry.
See, that's the good thing about my job.
All the dinosaurs on my table are already dead.
Listen, you guys, um, I don't mean to be a pain about this...
...but, um, I've noticed that some of you are just placing them on.
You want to push the caps...
...until you hear them click.
Gunther. Where you going?
I, uh, was sort of thinking about maybe...
No. No, you can't go. No, this is fun.
Come on, come on, we're just getting started. Here's your marker.
Listen, if you want to go, just go.
No. She'll yell at me again.
All right, ahem, I can get you out.
What?
Shh.
In a minute, I'm gonna create a diversion.
When I do, walk quickly to the door and don't look back.
- I think I need a drink. - Oh, I'll get it for you.
- What do you want? - Scotch.
All right, I'll be back in 10 seconds with your Scotch on the rocks in a glass.
Neat.
- Cool. No, no, no.
Neat, as in no rocks.
Heh. I know.
Oh, hello, Ross. Now, where have you been?
Hi. Uh, I have been in the bathroom.
Ahem. Stay clear of the salmon mousse.
Oh. Scotch neat.
You know, that's Rachel's father's drink.
Oh. Huh.
Mine too. Isn't that neat?
Scotch neat.
Would you excuse me?
Hey. Hey.
Where are you sneaking off to, mister? Heh.
I'm getting my cigarettes out of my jacket.
- No. - No. What do you mean "no"?
No, um, see, because that's the staging area.
You go in there, it'll ruin the whole illusion of the party.
Yeah, I think, you take your Scotch back in there...
...and I will get your cigarettes for you, sir.
- And get my glasses too. - All righty-roo.
What a great moment to say that for the first time.
Okay, the first person's most embarrassing memory is:
"Monica, your party sucks. "
All right. Very funny.
Oh, no. Ooh. Did someone forget to use a coaster?
What?
I don't see anything.
Great, I'm seeing water rings again.
Ross, whose glasses are those?
Mine.
You wear bifocals?
Mm-hm.
I have a condition apparently...
...that I require...
...two different sets of focals.
Do you know my husband has glasses just like that?
- Oh. - Well, those are very popular frames.
Neil Sedaka wears them.
I hear you can get people out of here.
- Rachel? - Yeah?
You didn't tell me your boyfriend smokes.
Yeah, like a chimney.
Big smoker.
Big, big smoker.
In fact, I'm gonna go out into the hallway and fire up this bad boy.
Are you wearing my glasses?
Yes.
I was just warming up the earpieces for you.
Thank you.
Is that one of my cigarettes?
Yeah.
Yes, it is. I was just moistening the tip.
Okay, okay. She's taking the trash out, so I can get you out of here.
But it has to be now. She'll be back any minute.
What about my friend Victor?
No, only the three of you. Any more than that and she'll get suspicious.
- All right. Let me just get my coat. - There isn't time.
Just leave everything.
They'll take care of you next door.
Is it true they have beer?
Everything you've heard is true.
Could you guys please try and keep it down?
We're trying to start a Boggle tournament.
You. And you.
You're supposed to be at my party. And Gunther.
What are you doing here?
Um...
Hey, welcome to the fo...
Phoebe?
All right, I'm sorry. But these people needed me.
You know, they work hard all week. It's Saturday night.
They deserve to have a little fun. Go.
You know, my party is fun.
I mean, maybe it's a little quieter, less obvious sort of fun.
But, you know, if people would just give it a chance, it's...
- You want me to see a therapist? - Sweetheart, you obviously have a problem.
You've chosen a boyfriend exactly like your father.
Okay, Mom, you know what? Fine. I'll make an appointment.
Okay? But you know what? Right now, I gotta go. I gotta go do a thing.
Did you know your mother spent $1200 on bonsai trees?
I felt like Gulliver around that place.
Daddy, Daddy, I really want to hear more about this...
...I really do, but I just have to do, uh, some stuff.
You work and you work and you work at a marriage...
...but all he cares about is his stupid boat.
You work and you work and you work on a boat.
He always ridiculed my pottery classes.
And you sand it and you varnish it.
But when all is said and done, he still drinks out of the mugs.
One night of her yoga and her Bridges of Madison County...
Scotch, cigarettes... Bonsais, the Chihuahua...
I've only been in therapy three weeks now but...
What the hell does she want with half a boat?
Okay, okay, okay, you can be shirts and I'll be skins.
I'll be skins.
Hey.
How you holding up there, tiger?
Oh. Sorry. When my parents were getting divorced, I got a lot of "tigers. "
Ahem. I got a lot of "champs," "chiefs," "sports. "
Ahem. I even got a "governor. "
This is it, isn't it? I mean, this is what my life is gonna be like.
My mom there, my dad there.
Thanksgiving, Christmas.
She gets the house, he's in some condo my sister's gonna decorate with wicker.
Chandler, how did you get through this?
Well, I relied on a carefully regimented program...
...of denial...
...and wetting the bed.
You know, I just... It's so weird.
I mean, I was in there just listening to them bitch about each other.
All I kept thinking about was the Fourth of July.
Because it reminded you of the way...
...our forefathers used to bitch at each other?
It's just this thing.
Every year we would go out on my dad's boat and watch the fireworks.
Mom always hated it because the ocean air made her hair all big.
My sister Jill would be throwing up over the side...
...and my dad would be upset because nobody was helping.
And then when we did help, he would scream at us for doing it wrong.
But then when the fireworks started, everybody just shut up.
You know, and it'd get really cold.
And we'd all just sort of smoosh under this one blanket.
It never occurred to anybody to bring another one.
And now it's...
Yeah, I know.
Thanks for coming. I hope you had fun.
All right, Monica, dear, I'm gonna hit the road.
Now, I've left my 10 verbs on the table.
Yes, and you be sure and send me that finished poem.
- Okay, will do. So glad you came. - All right, dear.
- I think I saw Rachel out in the hall. - Okay, let me go check.
Oh, all right.
- Your mom wants to say goodbye. - Oh, okay.
Happy birthday, sweetie.
Okay.
Uh, you drive safe.
Okay. - What are you doing?
I'm getting ready for the water skiing.
Okay, big hug. One more. Come on.
How are you?
- Dr. Green. Where are you going? - To get my coat.
No, no, no. We'll get that for you.
All right, all right. I can get my own coat.
Sorry, we're on a major flan high.
Oh, no. No, you're not supposed to be here.
This is the staging area. It's all wrong. You should leave.
Ha, ha. You know, just get out.
Or perhaps you'd like a crème de menthe.
I have to be heading toward my chateau. Thank you.
All right, well, then I guess we're going back into the hallway again.
Thanks for coming, Mrs. Green.
Okay.
You take care.
Oh, you kids.
Well.
This is the best party I've been to in years.
Thank you.
Okay, everybody, it's time for flan.
Yep. Get ready for the gelatinous fun.
Kind of looks like that stuff you get when you get a bad infection.
Okay, that's enough.
Okay, Rachel, make a special flan wish.
Okay, I've got one.
Heads up.
Wow. Those things almost never come true.