Wait a minute. You're telling me this actress person...
...is the only woman you ever wanted who didn't want you back?
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
Is this what it's like to be you?
- Wow, you're really crazy about her, huh? - Oh. You have no idea.
And when we're on-stage, I get to kiss her and touch her.
But then she goes home with the director...
...and it's like somebody's ripping out my heart.
Oh, it's so great to see you feeling like this.
- Hey. Hey.
Monica, uh, Dad called this morning...
...and, uh, Aunt Sylvia passed away.
Yes. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We were all pretty shaken up about it.
Wait, am I missing something?
Because I always thought death was supposed to be sad, in a way.
Well, uh, Aunt Sylvia was...
...well, not a nice person.
No, she was a cruel, cranky old bitch.
And I'm sorry she died.
Did Dad say I get the dollhouse?
- You get the dollhouse. - I get the dollhouse.
Wow. A house for dolls. That is so cool.
When I was a kid, I had a barrel.
Uh, Pheebs, you had a barrel for a dollhouse?
No, just a barrel.
You know what? You can play with my dollhouse.
- Really? Really? - Any time you want.
When I was younger, all I wanted to do was to play with this dollhouse.
But no. It was to be looked at, but never played with.
My grandmother used to say that exact same thing to me.
- Hey, Sophie. - Hey, Rach.
Hey.
Thanks for lunch, Chandler. You didn't have to walk me here.
Oh, that's okay. No problem.
Honey, you do realize we don't keep the women's lingerie here in the office.
Yes, I realize that.
- Summer catalog. - That's the stuff.
Rachel, I need the Versace invoice.
Hello. You don't work for me.
Joanna, this is my friend Chandler Bing. Joanna.
Bing? Heh. That's a great name.
Thanks, it's Gaelic for, "Thy turkey's done. "
- So, uh, I'm gonna go. Nice meeting you. - You too.
Bye, Chandler.
So, uh, what's wrong with him?
Oh, nothing. He's just goofy like that. I actually hardly notice it anymore.
Oh, no, no, no. I mean, is he, um, married or involved with anyone?
No, no. He's not married or involved with anyone.
Oh, Rachel...
Actually, you know what? Forget it.
- I'll ask him for you if you want me to. Would you?
Or is it just too sad and desperate...
...you know, something that Sophie would do?
- I am here. - I know that.
Look at it.
Oh.
Wallpaper's a little faded. That's okay.
Carpet's a little loose.
Hardwood floors?
- Hey. Oh! Hello.
Oh, Monica.
- It's so beautiful. - I know.
- So I'm here, ready to play. Hee-hee. - Okay.
I brought a bunch of stuff for the house, so check it out. Ha, ha.
What's this?
That's a dog. Every house should have a dog.
Not one that can pee on the roof.
Well, maybe it's so big because the house was built on radioactive waste.
And is this in case the house sneezes?
No. No, that's the ghost for the attic.
- I don't want a ghost. - Well, nobody wants a ghost.
But you've got one...
...because the house is sitting on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Wait a minute. The house was built on radioactive waste...
...and an ancient Indian burial ground?
Ha, ha. That would never happen.
Okay, obviously you don't know much about the U.S. Government. Ha, ha.
- Hey. Hey.
- I need to talk to you. - Sure. What's up?
Oh, sorry. I meant Chandler.
Heh. I know.
Well, if something comes up...
Well, I'm glad you guys are past that little awkward phase.
Okay. My boss, Joanna. When you left...
...she started asking questions about you.
Ha, ha. Liked what she saw, huh?
Dug my action, did she?
Checking out the Chan Chan Man.
That was...
...surreal.
Okay, what do you think? You interested at all?
Yeah, she seemed cool, attractive. I'll do it.
Oh, thank you, Chandler. This is great. She's gonna love me.
Okay, dinosaur attack. Quick, everybody into the house. Aah!
All right, Phoebe, you know what? That's it. That's it. All right?
No dinosaurs, no ghosts, no giant dogs, okay?
They're not the right size, they're not Victorian, and they just don't go.
Okay.
Fine.
Come, dinosaur. We're not welcome in the house of no imagination.
Uh, Pheebs, while we're hovering around the subject...
...I just have to say that dinosaurs, they don't go, "Ruff. "
The little ones do.
Hey, Kate. - Morning.
Listen, I, uh, went to that restaurant you talked about...
Hey, lovely.
Come, talk to me for a minute.
And I ate the food. It was good. I had the fish.
Yeah, it was pretty good. Yeah.
Hi.
I'm Lauren. Kate's understudy.
Oh. Hey. Joey Tribbiani.
I know. I'm a big fan of yours.
What?
I used to, um, schedule my classes so I could watch Dr. Drake Ramoray...
...on Days of our Lives.
Get out of here. Really?
- Absolutely. - Huh.
Oh, but then they went and dropped you down that elevator shaft.
Yeah, they gave me the shaft, all right.
You're so funny.
Listen, um, what are you doing after rehearsal?
Do you wanna get a drink or something?
Well, uh...
Yeah. Yeah, sure. A drink sounds great.
- Cool. I'll see you then. - Okay. All right.
All right. It's time to act, my talking props.
- Hey. Hey.
Look, everybody. Look at my new dollhouse.
Wow.
Ha, ha. Look, look.
Hey, what's this?
Oh, okay. It's a slide instead of stairs. Look.
Oh!
Very interesting, Phoebe.
What's this?
The licorice room. You can eat all the furniture.
And when guests come over, they can stay on the Tootsie Roll-away bed.
This is the coolest house ever.
Hey. Does anyone want to join me in the Aroma Room?
All right. I would.
Hey, guys? Guys.
Did you see my new china cabinet?
Uh-huh.
Watch. Watch.
Ooh. - And? And?
Hey, my father's house does that.
Okay, how did it go? Tell me everything.
Well, the movie was great...
...dinner was great, and there's nothing like a cool, crisp New York evening.
Of course, I didn't get to enjoy any of that because Joanna's such a big dull dud.
Chandler is fantastic.
- What? - Oh, God. You know how people just click?
Like, he came by to pick me up. I opened the door, and it was just like, "click. "
- Did he tell you? - Well...
Oh, and he's got such a good heart. Doesn't he have a good heart?
Oh, I know. And he's so sweet.
He said he'd call, so put him straight through.
- Isn't this great? - Don't spoil it.
Come on, baby, don't go. Please?
What do you say?
Hello? Oh!
It's you. Just, uh... Just one sec.
I am going to take this call.
When I continue, I hope that there will appear on-stage...
...this magical thing that in the theater we call...
...committing to the moment.
The guy's like a cartoon.
What do you see in him, anyway?
He happens to be brilliant.
Which is more than I can say for that sweater you're dating.
Hey, I'm not interested in her sweater.
It's what's underneath her sweater that counts.
And besides, since, uh...
Since when do you care who I'm going out with?
I don't care. Why? Do you want me to care?
Heh. Do you want me to want you to care?
Do you?
What?
Okay. I'm afraid to say this, but let's pick it up where we left off.
Come on, baby, don't go. Please? What do you say?
I've got no reason to stay.
Stop.
Stop it. You must stop.
You are bad actors.
This is a terrible play.
I'll see you in the morning.
I can't believe we go on in a week.
- Hey, it's gonna be all right. Hey.
So since we're getting off early, do you want to go and paint mugs?
What?
You know, at that place I told you about last night?
Oh, yeah, with the mug-painting. Yeah.
- I was so listening to that. Ha, ha.
But, uh, you know what? I think I need to work on my stuff tonight.
- Oh, okay. Okay.
- I'll see you tomorrow. Okay.
- Okay. Ha, ha. Night.
Uh, are you okay?
Yeah, I guess.
Like, what are we gonna do about the scene, huh?
I don't know.
Well, um...
Maybe if it had more heat.
Well, how do you mean?
Well, Adrianne's looking for a reason to stay, right?
Victor can't just kiss her. He's gotta...
He's gotta really give her a reason, you know?
Maybe he could slip her the tongue.
Or maybe...
Maybe he could grab her and lift her up.
Yeah, yeah. Then Adrianne, maybe she could wrap her legs around his waist.
And then she could rip off his shirt and kiss his chest and his stomach.
And then he could use his teeth, his teeth, to undo her dress and...
And bite her.
And then right when the scene ends, he could take her...
...with this raw, animal...
Something like that?
Yeah, that's pretty much what I had in mind.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- Hi. - Hey.
It's a little early to be drinking.
Things, uh, finally happened with Kate.
- Oh. That's great. - You're kidding. That's great.
Oh, it was so amazing.
After the lovemaking...
Oh, my.
- I just watched her sleep for, like, hours.
- Just breathing in... Huh.
...and breathing out.
And I knew she was dreaming because her eyes kept going like this:
I'm telling you, Joanna's got it all wrong, okay?
All I said was, "This was fun. Let's do it again sometime.
I'll give you a call. "
Oh, gee...
I wonder why she thinks you're going to call her?
That's what you say at the end of a date.
You can't just say, "Nice to meet you. Good night"?
To her face?
It's the end of the date, I'm standing there...
...she's waiting for me to say I'll call her...
...and it just, you know, comes out. I can't help it.
It's a compulsion.
Come on, Rach, when a guy says he's gonna call...
...it doesn't mean he's going to call.
This never happened to you?
Well, they always called.
Bite me.
- Did he call? - No, sorry.
Why? Why? He said he'd call. Why hasn't he called?
Maybe he's intimidated by really smart, strong, successful women.
Sophie, will you please climb out of my butt.
- Why hasn't he called, Rachel? Why? - Okay, okay.
Um, well, uh, maybe he feels awkward because you are my boss.
Awkward? Why should he feel awkward?
The only person that should feel awkward is you.
You didn't tell him not to call me?
If you're uncomfortable with your friend dating someone you work for...
...there are always ways to fix that.
Uh...
Call her. Call her now.
Multiple, so many paper cuts.
"Why hasn't he called, Rachel? Why? Why?
I don't understand. He said he'd call. "
Chandler, I'm telling you, she's flipped out. She's gone crazy.
Oh. Well, give me the phone, then.
This isn't funny. She thinks it's my fault you haven't called her.
You have to call her.
Look, you can't call somebody after this long just to say:
"In case you didn't notice, I don't like you. "
Then you're gonna have to take her out again.
No. She's really dull, and she gets this...
...gross mascara-goop thing in the corner of her eye.
I don't care. I don't care.
You'll take her out again and end it...
...and end it in a way that she knows it's actually ended.
And I don't care how hard it is for you. Do not tell her you'll call her again.
All right, fine.
But it's just a lunch date. From now on, I get my own dates.
I don't want you setting me up with anybody again.
That's fine.
- That's just a lot of big talk, you know. - I know.
Mon?
I'm in the shower.
Aah! Fire. There's a fire. Fire.
- Hey. - Hi.
So I, uh, talked to Lauren. I kind of told her how things were with us.
Did you, uh...? Did you talk to Marshall?
About what?
Ha, ha. You know, about what happened with us.
No.
And there's really no reason why he should find out.
So, uh, let's not make a big deal out of it, okay?
What are you talking about?
It was a big deal.
I mean, come on, you can't tell me last night didn't mean something to you.
I was there. You're not that good an actress.
Look.
Um, I was... I was just caught up in the moment.
That's all it was.
Joey, I'm sorry you feel bad...
...but haven't you ever slept with a woman where it meant more to her than to you?
No.
- Hi, Kate. Hi, Lauren.
Hi, pig.
Sorry I, uh... I scared you in there.
Oh, that's okay.
By the way...
...I was just checking the shower massager.
Yeah.
Hey.
I tried to reach you at work.
There's been a fire.
What? Oh, my... Oh, my God.
What happened?
Well, we believe it originated here...
...in the Aroma Room.
All right, did everyone get out okay?
Well, the giraffe's okay and so is the pirate.
- What is this? - No, Phoebe, don't look.
You don't want to see what's under there.
The foster puppets.
It's not a big deal.
It's just... It's right here, and it's all the time.
Well, thanks again for lunch.
- Yes, this was pleasant. - It was, wasn't it?
- The food there was great. - Wasn't it?
So take care.
You too.
This was great. I'll give you a call. We should do it again.
Great. I'm looking forward to it.
- Rachel, any messages? Sophie's desk.
Chandler. Are you gonna call her?
- No. - Chandler.
Look, I'm sorry, okay? I'm weak and pathetic and sorry.
Okay, you are gonna tell her. You're gonna tell her now.
Ow, I'm not gonna call you.
What?
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that I said I was going to when I'm not.
Ugh. Look, this has nothing to do with you.
And this isn't Rachel's fault. It's me.
I have serious, serious problems when it comes to women.
I have issues with commitment, intimacy...
...mascara goop.
And I'm really sorry. It's just that this is not... This isn't gonna work out.
Well, this isn't how I was hoping this would end...
...but I guess I have to appreciate your honesty.
Yeah, okay.
So...
Well, this is great. I'll give you a call. We should do it again sometime.
Wha... So anyway, Beth, what I'm saying is...
...I should have considered your feelings before I went home with you that night.
I've, uh...
I've recently learned what it's like to be on your side of it...
...and I'm sorry.
So do you think you can forgive me?
Great. Thanks.
Okay. Bye.
Whoo.
Hello, Jennifer?
Oh, hi, Mrs. Laurio. Is Jennifer there?
Oh, she's not home, huh?
Well, uh, actually I kind of need to talk to you too.