[COAT RIPS]
Wow. That ripped.
That ripped real nice.
How many times do I have to tell you? You turn and slide.
You know? Turn and slide.
No, you don't turn and slide.
You throw it out.
I'm tired of having to get a tetanus shot every time I get dressed.
Well, we're not throwing it out. I built this thing with my own hands.
All right.
How about we sell it?
All right.
But you're gonna have to tell them.
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
You mind if we stick you in a different cabinet? They seem all right with it.
[ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS]
CHIP [ON RECORDING]: Monica, it's Chip. - Yes.
- Who's Chip? - Shh.
CHIP: It was good running into you today.
So, uh, here's my number. 555-9323. Give me a call. Later.
Chip is Chip Matthews.
The guy who took Rachel to the prom? Why's he calling you?
Because I ran into him at the bank. He is still so cute.
Monica, you're so lucky. He's, like, the most popular guy in school.
I know.
Chip? Hi, it's Monica.
Okay.
Okay. Goodbye.
Oh, my God. We just had the best conversation.
- I was just leaving. RACHEL: Good.
Because I've got a product report to read.
It's, like, eight pages. I hope I don't fall asleep.
Why? Did you write it?
Whoa.
Look at that.
Chip Matthews called. I wonder what he wants.
Well, uh, actually...
I bet he sensed that I was ready to have sex with another guy.
Well, um...
Why don't you give him a call?
Okay.
[CLEARS THROAT]
- Are you sure you want to hear this? - Oh, I'm sure.
Chip. Hi, it's Rachel.
Rachel Green.
Yeah. Um, you left me a message?
Yes, you did. My roommate wrote it down.
Monica Geller?
Oh.
Oh, that's right.
He called to ask out Monica.
That's got to be embarrassing.
[SINGING] Dumb drunken bitch
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
Thank you. Thanks. Ha, ha.
Now here's a question.
Where'd you guys get the "finest oak east of the Mississippi"?
Uh-uh. First you tell us where you got the prettiest lace in all the land.
I'm reading your ad.
- Looks good, huh? ROSS: Yeah.
"Stunning entertainment center, fine...
Fine Italian craftsmanship."
Oh, my God. You guys are selling the entertainment center?
- Why? I love that thing. - You want it?
- Oh, no. - No.
Uh, Gepetto?
Five thousand dollars?
Are you insane?
Hey, the ad alone cost 300 bucks.
All right, look, I'm changing it to $50 or your best offer.
What kind of profit is that? And you call yourself an accountant?
No.
Oh.
What do you do?
I can't believe you don't know what I do for a living.
- I actually don't know. - Yeah, something to do with numbers?
[CAT MEOWS]
Oh, my God, no. Shoo, kitty. No.
No, no. Shoo. Come on, you. Come on.
Crazy.
- Oh, my God. - What?
Nothing. Nothing.
What? What's wrong?
I just...
I just have this really strong feeling that this cat is my mother.
You mean, the mom you met in Montauk? She was a cat?
No. No, no. She was a human lady.
This is the spirit of my mom, Lily. The one that killed herself.
Are you sure she's in the cat?
Or have you been taking your grandma's glaucoma medicine again?
No, Dr. Skeptismo.
I'm sure. First of all, okay, there's the feeling.
Okay, and for another, how about the fact that she went into my guitar case...
...which is lined with orange felt.
My mother's favorite fish was orange roughy.
Cats like fish.
[SCOFFS]
Hi, Mommy.
Oh. I haven't seen this smile in 17 years.
- Dude, Phoebe's mom's got a huge pair of... - Let it go.
Hey.
Um, when were you gonna tell me that you're going out with Chip Matthews?
Now?
- Is it okay if I go out with Chip Matthews? - No. It's not okay.
I can't believe you'd want to after what he did to me.
What, that thing at the prom?
Monica, I couldn't find him for two hours. He was having sex with Amy Welsh.
Come on, that was back in high school. How could that still bother you?
I mean, why of all people do you have to go out with Chip?
Look, you and I went to different schools.
Okay, that doesn't help because we went to the same high school.
You went to one where you were popular.
And you got to ride off on Chip's motorcycle...
...and wear his letterman jacket.
I went to one where I wore a band uniform that you had to have specially made.
They had to have that specially made?
It was a project for one of the Home Ec. Classes.
Oh, my God. They told us that was for the mascot.
Back then I thought that I'd never, ever get the chance...
...to go out with a Chip Matthews.
And now he's called me up and asked me out.
And the fat girl inside of me really wants to go. I owe her this.
I never let her eat.
- Oh, you go out with him. - Oh, really?
Yeah.
If it's possible, could you leave him somewhere...
...and go have sex with another guy?
I'll try.
So you guys having any luck getting rid of the entertainment center?
There were a couple calls last night...
...but, uh, I don't think any of them are gonna work out.
Yes, Joey has a very careful screening process.
Apparently not everyone is qualified to own wood and nails.
Stop it. Stop it.
She keeps squirming and trying to get away.
Just like when she was alive.
So, Pheebs, how long is your mom gonna be with us?
Well, I'm not sure.
I mean, I guess until she, you know, gets used to the fact that there's...
...you know, a new mom.
You know, I think she's worried that she's gonna be replaced.
Well, that's not gonna happen, is it? No.
Okay, I have to return a call in the other room.
Why can't you use the phone in here?
Well, I'm returning a call from a certain mom at the B-E-A-C-H.
I just spelled the wrong word.
So, guys, am I crazy or does Phoebe's mom remind anyone else of a cat?
- Ross, don't start. ROSS: Come on.
You can't tell me you actually believe that there's a woman inside that cat?
I believe it.
- No, you don't. - Yes, I do.
ROSS: No, you...
You know what?
You're not gonna suck me into this.
Oh, sure I am. Because you always have to be right.
I do not always have... Okay, okay.
[ROSS CHUCKLES]
Jurassic Park could happen.
Wow. That's, uh... That's pretty nice.
"Pretty nice"?
You'll have to pardon my roommate. He wanted to marry this.
We don't have 50 bucks. But would you be willing to trade for it?
We got a canoe.
You know, I really don't think we need a canoe.
You gotta take the canoe.
All right, just...
Just take the entertainment center.
And then when you get home, throw the canoe away.
We're not throwing it away. I built that canoe.
Good for you.
You guys, you're never gonna believe what I just found on a telephone pole.
Looks kind of familiar?
Apparently Phoebe's mother also goes by the name Julio.
You guys, there's a little girl in SoHo looking for this cat.
- I mean, you know what that means? - Yeah, 200-dollar reward split five ways.
Do we have to tell her?
- Yes, we have to tell her. - Oh, but it's made her so happy.
Little girl misses her cat.
Crazy lady thinks her mother is in a cat.
Okay, ha, ha, you know what? I have to go have dinner with my son.
Can I trust that when you see Phoebe, you will tell her?
GROUP: Yeah.
Thank you.
Ugh. I hate it when Ross is right.
- He is right, isn't he? - You know what?
This might be one of the times when he's wrong.
JOEY & RACHEL: You think? - Oh, no, he's right.
- Hi. GROUP: Hi. Hey.
Uh, Pheebs, ahem...
- About your mom, heh. PHOEBE: Yeah?
How's that going?
So great. Oh, we took a nap together today.
My mom fell asleep on my tummy and purred.
That's so sweet.
I'm gonna get some coffee.
[MONICA CLEARS THROAT]
Huh? What'd you say, Joe? I'll be right there.
[RACHEL CLEARS THROAT]
- Pheebs... - I just feel so...
- All right. - I'm coming already.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
MONICA: Not yet, not yet, not yet.
- Hello, Chip. - Hey, Rach. How you doing?
I'm great. I'm great.
Got a great job at Bloomingdale's. I have wonderful friends.
And even though I'm not seeing anyone right now...
...I've really never felt better about myself.
So, uh, Monica ready yet?
She'll be out in a second.
So, Chip, how's, um, Amy Welsh?
Amy Welsh? Wow, I haven't seen her since...
So, Monica about ready?
This is the unit for you, my friend.
Sturdy construction, tons of storage compartments.
Some big enough to fit a grown man.
What?
Oh, yeah, I got in there myself once.
My roommate bet me 5 bucks that I couldn't.
And then he stuck a board through the handles and locked me in.
Ha, ha. Yeah.
It was funny till I started feeling like I was in a coffin.
No, you... You can't fit in that thing. That's not deep enough.
Oh, yeah?
If I can't...
...I'll knock 5 bucks off the price of the unit.
- All right, you have yourself a deal. - Okay.
[CHUCKLES]
See? I told you.
Sometimes I come in here just to get away from it.
Hey, a nickel.
Here we are.
Oh, my God, you still have the Chipper.
The what?
That's what we used to call your, uh, motorcycle in high school.
You know, a motorcycle's a chopper.
And you're Chip.
Never mind.
No, I think it's cute.
Wow.
A lipper from the Chipper.
So are you still in touch with anyone from high school?
Um, there's Rachel...
...and that's it. How about you?
Oh, yeah, I still hang with Simens and Zana.
You know, and I see Spindler a lot, and Levine, Kelly.
And I run into Goldie from time to time...
...Stick, Brown, Sulkov, McGuire...
...J.T., Beardsley.
Is that all?
Ah, you know, after high school, you just kind of lose touch.
Oh, yeah, I ran into Richard Dorfman.
- Oh, how is he? - Not so good.
Me and Simens gave him a wedgie. Ha-ha-ha.
- Isn't he an architect now? - Yeah, they still wear underwear.
Oh, my God.
JOEY: What?
- Are you all right? - Yeah.
What happened?
Oh, man, he promised he wouldn't take the chairs.
What the hell happened? How were you locked in there?
Where the hell is all of our stuff?
Well, this guy came by to look at the unit...
...and he said he didn't think it was big enough to fit a grown man.
So you got in voluntarily?
I was trying to make a sale.
Oh, man. If I ever run into that guy again, you know what I'm gonna do?
Bend over?
And then Zana just let one rip.
[LAUGHING]
Look, not that I don't enjoy talking about people who we went to high school with...
...because I do. CHIP: Ha, ha.
But, um, maybe we can talk about something else.
Like you. I don't even know where you work.
- You know where I work. - I do?
The movie theater. You used to come in all the time.
- You still work at the Multiplex? - Like I'd give up that job. Ha, ha.
Free popcorn and candy any time I want?
- I can get you free posters for your room. - Thanks, I'm set.
Do you live with your parents?
Yeah, but I can stay out as late as I want.
Wow, they really got you guys. Your TV, the chairs.
Yeah, your microwave, the stereo.
Oh, man, he took the five of spades.
Oh, no, no, here it is.
Oh, my God. What happened?
Oh. Um, Joey was born, and then 28 years later, I was robbed.
So how was your date?
Well, you know how I always wanted to go out with Chip in high school?
Well, tonight, I actually went out with Chip Matthews in high school.
Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
No, it's okay. Not only did I get to go out with Chip Matthews...
...I got to dump Chip Matthews.
- Oh, that's so great. - I know.
- Hey. - Hey.
So, uh, what did the insurance company say?
Oh, they said, uh:
"You don't have insurance here, so stop calling us."
You didn't tell her?
[ROSS SIGHS]
Okay, fine.
- Pheebs? - Yeah. Hi.
Hi. Listen, uh...
...this cat belongs to a little girl.
All right? There are flyers all over the place.
I'm sorry, sweetie.
Hey, we can take her back with you if you want.
Oh. Mm-hm.
But, you know, she chose to find me.
I mean, I have to respect her decision, right?
- That's a good call. - That's right.
No, no. Hey, enough is enough.
Look, I'm sorry that you feel guilty or whatever...
...about spending time with your new mom. But this is not your old mom.
This is a cat. Okay?
Julio the cat.
Not Mom. Cat.
It's okay.
Ross, how many parents have you lost?
None.
Okay, then you don't know what it feels like when one of them comes back. Do you?
I believe this is my mother.
Even if I'm wrong, who cares?
Just be a friend, okay? Be supportive.
I'm sorry.
Okay.
I don't know what to say. Heh.
You could say you're sorry to her mom.
I think she would like that.
Come here. Here, come here, come here.
Mrs. Buffay?
Sorry about what I said.
Um, it was insensitive of me to say...
...that you were just a cat.
When, clearly, you are also the reincarnated spirit...
...of my friend's mother.
Thank you.
- We both forgive you. - Heh.
What are you gonna do about the little girl?
Yeah. Okay, listen.
Um, Mom, I hope you know that you still mean a lot to me.
And you're welcome to come back any time.
Pheebs?
If she could come back as a couch, we'd really appreciate it.
Come on, Mom, I'm gonna take you home.
- I'll go with you. MONICA: Me too.
Oh, uh, you know, I got an extra futon.
Dude, you don't have to brag. We got nothing here.
[English - US - SDH]