Hey. We are so in luck.
Treeger said we could have all this cool stuff from the basement.
Wait right there.
Oh, no, no. I'm paddling away.
Huh?
Wow. Really? We got all this rusty crap for free?
Uh-huh. This and a bunch of bubble wrap...
...and some of it is not even popped.
[CHIRPING AND QUACKING]
Could we be more white trash?
How desperate am I?
Oh, good thing Chandler's not here. He always wins at this game.
I just told my mom I'd cater her party for her.
- How come? - Because I need the money.
And I thought it'd be a great way to get rid of that last little smidgen of self-respect.
Come on, I think this is a good thing.
I don't think Mom would've hired you...
...if she didn't think you were good at what you do.
You don't have to stick up for her. She can't hear you.
Hey, um, do you guys have any juice?
Just pickle.
Hey, uh, Rach. Funny story.
I bumped into Joanna on the street yesterday.
My boss, Joanna? Wow, that must have been awkward.
Well, no. Actually, she asked me if I wanted to get a drink.
[CHUCKLES]
You, uh, didn't say yes to that, did you?
Ha, ha. No. No.
Hello, Rachel.
Well, not at first.
What is she doing here?
[MIMICKING SOUND OF SQUEAKING BED]
I don't understand.
Last time you went out with her, you said she was a dud.
I think I judged her too quickly.
And this time, we were able to take the relationship to the next level.
[MIMICKING SOUND OF SQUEAKING BED]
Well, last time, I almost got fired. You must end it. You must end it now.
It's not like this is an everyday occurrence for me.
I mean, usually I'm pretty much in there by myself.
[MIMICKING SOUND OF SQUEAKING BED]
RACHEL: Chandler.
Promise me you will end it.
- Okay. I promise I'll end it. - Thank you.
But I hope you know what I'm giving up for you.
Because she's not just the boss in your office.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
Oh, sorry. I knew what he meant.
How's the hired help?
Doing great. Quiches are coming along.
What's this? Blue nail polish?
Yeah, I thought it was cute.
Ha. It's what your grandmother's hands looked like when we found her.
Let me ask you a question.
Why did you hire me?
Oh, well, Richard raved about the food at his party...
...of course, you were sleeping with him.
Then I heard the food at that lesbian wedding was very nice.
I assume you weren't sleeping with anyone there.
Though, at least that would be something.
Oh, my God. Did you hear that?
She hired me because she thinks I'm good.
Okay, I didn't hear that.
Yeah. She didn't hire me out of pity.
It wasn't so she could pick on me in front of her friends.
She actually thinks I'm good.
Wow. And hey, it's cool if you're a lesbian. Ha, ha.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Good afternoon. Are you the decision-maker of the house?
Uh...
Do you, uh, currently own a set of encyclopedias?
No, no, but, uh, try the classifieds. People sell everything in there.
Actually, I'm not buying. I'm selling.
Let me ask you one question.
Do your friends ever have a conversation...
...and you just nod along...
...even though you're not really sure what they're talking about?
I'm telling you, it's totally unconstitutional.
- I hear you. Yeah it is. - I totally agree.
I think he deserves a Nobel Prize.
GROUP: No.
It was like the Algonquin kids' table.
[ALL LAUGHING]
Excuse me. I'm sorry.
You haven't said anything for about two and a half minutes.
Are you at all interested?
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, oh, yeah. Come on in. Come on.
- That's weird. - What?
Your nails.
Oh, I know. I never wear fake ones.
I just did it so my mom wouldn't give me grief about biting them.
No, I meant it's weird that you only have nine now.
Oh, my God.
Wait a minute.
I had them when I put...
Oh, my God. It's in the quiche.
- Oh, my God. - Okay, don't panic.
I'm gonna go to the store, get you another set of nails.
No one is gonna know, and you're gonna look great.
Oh. Oh, it's because they're gonna eat... That's the problem.
Honey, don't bite your nails.
Okay, uh, please don't freak out.
Um, but there's a blue fingernail in one of the quiche cups.
And there's no way to know which one.
And whoever finds it wins the prize.
Ha, ha. I'm not freaking out.
Why are you laughing?
It's nothing. It's just that now your father owes me $5.
Ha, ha. What, you bet I'd lose a nail?
Oh, no, don't be silly. I just bet that I'd need these.
MONICA: Frozen lasagnas? - Mm.
You bet that I'd screw up?
So all that stuff about hiring me because I was good was...
No, that was all true.
This was just in case you pulled a Monica.
You promised Dr. Weinberg you'd never use that phrase.
Honey, come on. Have a sense of humor.
You're never able to laugh at yourself.
That's right. Ha, ha.
My mom doesn't have any faith in me. Oh, that's hilarious.
[LAUGHING SARCASTICALLY]
I don't get it.
No. I have faith.
No. You have lasagnas.
[OVEN BELL RINGS]
Oh, the ruined quiches are ready.
It just doesn't feel like we're breaking up.
No, we are. I'm sad.
Okay.
[PHONE RINGS]
Yes?
Uh, can you wait till tomorrow? All right.
[SIGHS]
Unbelievable.
Thanks.
No, no. That was my boss. I have to go.
Okay.
What are you doing?
- I'm getting dressed. - Why?
When I walk outside naked, people throw garbage at me.
Wait. I want to show you something.
What is it?
Just a little gag gift somebody gave me.
Put your hands together.
[CHUCKLES]
You're not the boss of me.
Yeah, you are.
Hmm. Saucy.
I'll be back in two minutes.
You're, uh...? You're going to leave me like this?
Knowing you're here waiting for me, I think that's kind of exciting, don't you?
Okay, but if you don't come back soon...
[DOOR CLOSES]
...there's pretty much nothing I can do about it.
- Oh. - Hi. I brought you back a macaroon.
Oh, great. I'll keep it in my butt with your nose.
That's weird. She locked the door.
You know why? She's got the Christmas bonus list in there.
I saw her working on it this morning.
Okay, swear you won't tell.
But when Mark left, he gave me a key to Joanna's office.
- You want to see the list? SOPHIE: Yeah.
[RACHEL CLEARS THROAT]
[RACHEL & SOPHIE GASP]
Hi.
How are you?
[PHONE RINGING]
Hello, Joanna...
- 's office.
JOANNA [OVER PHONE]: I'm sorry. I may be a little longer.
- How little? - A couple hours. I feel awful.
Look, this isn't funny. You get back here now.
- I can't. - Why not?
I'm in my boss' car.
- What? - Uh-oh, tunnel.
[STATIC HISSING]
[INTERCOM BUZZES]
What?
CHANDLER [OVER INTERCOM]: Rachel, could I see you for a moment?
Okay, here's the situation. Ahem.
The keys to the cuffs are on the back of the door.
Could you be a doll...
...and grab them and scoot on over here and unlock me?
And on a totally separate subject, that is a lovely pantsuit.
You promised you would break up with her.
I did break up with her. She just took it really, really well.
And the fact that you were jeopardizing my career never entered your mind?
It did enter my mind.
But then something happened that made it shoot right out.
You know what, Chandler?
You got yourself into those cuffs, you get yourself out them.
No, no, no. I can't get myself right out of them.
You must have me confused with the Amazing Chandler.
Come on, you have to unlock me.
She could be gone for hours, and I'm cold and...
Ugh! Chandler. All right. This is it.
You never see Joanna again.
Never.
- You never come into this office again. - Fine.
- You give me back my Walkman. - I...
I never borrowed your Walkman.
Well, then I lost it. You buy me one.
You got it. Here we go. Come on. This is great.
- Aw. - Does it hurt?
No, I just always see guys doing this when they get handcuffs taken off.
Hello, sweet pants.
Wait a minute. What are you gonna tell Joanna?
About what?
When she sees that you're gone, she's gonna know I let you out and I'm gonna get fired.
I'll make something up. I'm good at lying.
I actually did borrow your Walkman.
No, there's nothing to make up. She's gonna know I have a key to her office.
I've gotta get you locked back the way you were.
Oh, I don't think so.
[CHANDLER & RACHEL GRUNTING]
Well, this is much better.
So here's somebody interesting, Joey.
What do you know about Van Gogh?
- Uh, he cut off his ear. - And?
I'm out.
He painted that.
Wow. That's pretty nice.
I thought he cut off his ear because he sucked.
- What else you got in there? - Let's see, uh...
- Where does the Pope live? - In the woods.
Wait, wait, that's the joke answer.
Actually, it's Vatican City.
Now, uh, what do you know about, uh, vulcanized rubber?
Spock's birth control.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
You need these books.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
- Hey. - Hi.
This used to be your room?
Wow. Oh, you must have been in really good shape as a kid.
Oh, I'm such an idiot.
I can't believe I actually thought she could change.
Look, who cares what your mom thinks?
So you pulled a Monica.
Oh, good. I'm glad that's catching on.
Why does that have to be a bad thing? Just change what it means.
You know, go down there and prove your mother wrong.
You finish the job you were hired to do and we'll call that "pulling a Monica."
What?
Okay, um, if a kid gets straight A's, his parents would say:
"Yeah, you pulled a Monica." Ha, ha.
Oh, or a fireman saves a baby, and they go, "Yeah, no, he pulled a Monica."
Or someone hits a home run, and the announcer says:
"Yeah, that one's out of here."
Because some things don't change.
All right. I'll go down there.
But I'm not gonna serve the lasagna. I'm gonna serve something that I make.
Wait.
Ooh.
Oh! Wow.
Wow, my breasts are really strong.
[BOTH GRUNTING]
RACHEL: Chandler.
Chandler, please. I have to get you locked up back the way you were.
I'm so going to lose my job.
She's very private about her office.
Now I know why.
Hey, look. You're in trouble either way, okay?
If she comes and sees me locked to this instead of the chair...
...she's gonna know you were in here. So you might as well just let me go.
- I'll clean your bathroom for a month. - Still wouldn't be clean.
All I want is my freedom.
- Foot rubs for a month. - Freedom.
I'll take all your photos and put them into albums.
Freedom. I want my freedom.
Why won't you hear me? Sophie, help me.
- Help me. - Sophie, sit.
[MUMBLING]
God, would you just calm down?
I'm going to say this for the last time.
Would you please just...?
Wow, there's a lot I didn't know about vomit.
[DUCK QUACKS]
In a minute.
So, what do you say, Joey?
You get the whole set of encyclopedias for $1200.
That works out to just 50 bucks a book.
Twelve hundred dollars?
[CHUCKLES]
You think I have $1200?
I'm home in the middle of the day...
...and I got patio furniture in my living room.
I guess there's a few things you don't get from book learning.
Well, uh, what can you swing?
How about zero down and zero a month for a long, long time?
You don't have anything?
You want to see what I got? Okay.
I got a baby Tootsie Roll...
...a movie stub, keys, a Kleenex...
...a rock...
...and an army man.
Okay, I get the picture. Uh, thanks for your time.
And a fifty.
Huh. These must be Chandler's pants.
For 50 bucks you can get one book.
What will it be? A? B? C?
I think I'm gonna stick with the V.
I want to see how this bad boy turns out. Heh.
I, uh, will buy and wrap all of your Christmas gifts.
- No. - Oh.
I, uh... Oh, I'll squeeze you fresh orange juice every morning.
- With extra pulp? - Yeah.
No.
I've got it.
You don't have it.
I have so got it.
There's gonna be rumors about this. There's no way to stop it.
Sophie knows, Monica and Phoebe know.
- How do Monica and Phoebe know? - Oh, I called them.
When they ask me what I saw...
...I can be very generous...
...or very stingy.
- Go on. - I can make you a legend.
I can make you this generation's Milton Berle.
- And Milton Berle has... - Oh. Not compared to you.
- Well? - They're not even touching the lasagna.
- Really? - Oh, they love your casserole.
Yes.
It's hard to believe, just a little while ago, this was nothing but ingredients.
Everyone seems to like your dish.
And you?
I thought it was...
...quite tasty.
So if everyone liked it, and you liked it...
...that would make this a success. Which would make you...
A bitch?
Well, I was going for "wrong," but we can use your word.
Yes, well, I was wrong.
And I have to say...
...you really impressed me today.
Wow.
Um, you might even say that she pulled a Monica.
She doesn't know we switched it.
And the next time you cater for me...
...there will be nothing but ice in the freezer.
Well, that really means a lot.
Oh, Mom, don't bite your nails.
- Hello. GROUP: Hey.
Hello, Chandler.
I love you.
Hey, what's going on?
Oh.
[PHOEBE WHISPERING]
No, he doesn't.
[LAUGHING]
Two hours, that lasted.
So did you break up with Joanna?
I think so.
Well, it's a good thing you got out when you did, before she blew up like Vesuvius.
- The volcano? JOEY: Yeah.
And speaking of volcanoes, man, are they a violent, igneous-rock formation.
What?
Oh, yeah. Lava spewing, hot ash.
Of course, some are dormant.
Why are you talking about volcanoes all of a sudden?
Oh, we can talk about something else.
What do you want to talk about? Vivisection?
The vas deferens?
The Vietnam War?
Oh, did anybody see that documentary on the Korean War?
GROUP: Oh, yeah.
Oh, God, Korea's such a beautiful country.
- With such a sad history. PHOEBE: Yeah.
Could there be more Kims?
[ALL LAUGHING]
JOANNA: Who's out there? - It's me. Good morning.
JOANNA: Rachel, could you come in here a moment?
Yeah, sure. Um, they didn't have poppy-seed bagels...
...so I have sesame ones... Oh, my word.
I...
I seem to have had a slight office mishap.
Could you get the key off the back of the door?
Yeah, sure. I...
[RACHEL CLEARS THROAT]
I'm so sorry.
Tell your friend Chandler that we're definitely broken up this time.
Okay.
[English - US - SDH]