Mom, the dog again.
I know, papi. I want to strangle that crazy old thing.
Just ignore it.
It's easy for you to ignore because you have the old-man hearing.
But Manny and I, we have the young ears.
I don't get how one dog keeps you awake...
when you grew up sleeping through cockfights and revolutions.
Very funny, Jay.
Manny hasn't been able to sleep in weeks.
It's screwing his brain for school, and it doesn't stop.
It's goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on!
Yes! That could be annoying.
- That's it. I'm going over there.
Gloria, now don't go starting something.
Because whenever you do, I'm the one that...
That she couldn't hear.
They're gone. Cam.
- All the children are gone. - What children?
I was running in the park, and I noticed...
that none of the kids Lily usually plays with were there.
- Well, it's still early. - But then I ran into Lori.
Boobs Lori or adult braces Lori?
- Great shoes Lori. - Oh, I like her.
She said that they all sent their kids to preschool.
What? We agreed to wait till next year.
It was a fake-out to make sure that their kids got a spot.
Those skinny bitches.
We have got to get her into school, or else she's gonna fall behind.
- Don't you think I know that? - This is perfect.
Leave it to the gays to raise the only underachieving Asian in America.
- Hey. Here you go.
Guys, breakfast. Guys?
- Phil. Hello. - Totally with you.
Kids, put your dishes in the dishwasher.
Okay, no. That's it.
Everybody, gadgets down. Now!
Why are you freaking out?
Because you're all so involved with your little gizmos...
nobody is even talking.
Families are supposed to talk.
What are you doing that's so important?
Oh, I'm locking in my fantasy roster. I'm unbeatable.
We're totally getting an aboveground pool.
Die, stupid! Die!
- Luke, I told you to put that down. Now.
- Come on, buddy. - One second.
- I'm about to beat Dad's record. - You heard your mother.
- What is so funny? Nothing.
"Mom's insane."
- Thank you, Haley. - At least we talk.
- Hello.
Hey, it's me. What's a good preschool?
- Our kids went to Wagon Wheel. - And it was good? You liked it?
My kids are middle-management material at best.
We didn't want to waste a lot of money.
Yes, Mitchell, it's good. Why the interest?
I just realized all of Lily's friends are going to school this year...
and now she's late.
Don't worry. She can wait another year. Just...
Buy her a BlackBerry. That's all she's gonna want to do anyway.
- What did she say? - She says to buy her a BlackBerry.
Lily doesn't have the dexterity for that, Claire. What is happening?
Can you just check with your school and see if maybe you can get us in?
Hmm, I... I can probably get you an interview.
Oh, no, that's great. That's great.
Thank you. I really appreciate it.
And by the way, what do you think of that place... Billingsley Academy?
Ooh, Billingsley. Very hoity-toity.
You can't get in there unless you're really rich or you know somebody on the board.
- Oh, God. This is a nightmare. - Mitch, it's preschool. Don't overthink it.
My kids didn't go to Billingsley, and they are fine.
- I have to go.
Phil.
That's awesome.
# Hey, hey #
# Hey ##
- Buenos días. - Hi.
We haven't formally met. I'm Gloria Pritchett from next door.
Larry Paulson. Yeah, I've seen you.
- Lucky guy. - Wait a minute, then tell me.
Your dog doesn't stop barking... all morning, all night.
He wakes my son up, and he needs his sleep.
It's not my dog. It's my soon-to-be ex-wife's.
- She moved out three weeks ago. - Is she coming back for it?
Not unless it starts crapping money.
- You need to do something about the dog. - The dog is old and stupid.
Who are you really mad at, Larry... the dog or your wife?
- Who the hell is this kid? - There's no need for that.
I'll tell you who he is.
His name is Shut Up Your Damn Dog!
You know what's ironic? You come over here complaining...
and I have never once said a word...
about that obnoxious parrot of yours that's always squawking.
- Parrot? - What parrot?
Jay!
- What is he talking about? What parrot? - How the hell do I know?
- What do we do now? - Nothing. We did it.
- He heard us. - He didn't heard nothing.
Jay, don't go. Jay!
Jay! Jay!
We have called this family meeting...
because the personal electronics...
have gotten out of control.
Starting today, there's going to be a one-week ban on all cell phones...
- Texting, I.M.'ing...
video chatting, video gaming, anything on the Internet.
- How am I supposed to do my homework? - The way I did.
With a chisel and a piece of stone.
- Phil. - Can't unplug my funny bone.
I have a huge science paper due.
And we have a great set of encyclopedias... somewhere.
What do you think the public library is for?
I thought that was the bathroom for homeless people.
Mm-mmm.
Can I still play Plants Versus Zombies?
Are you not listening?
- But you learn about plants. - Mm-hmm.
And plants are life.
Are you against life?
- How am I supposed to talk to my friends? - Talk to them at school.
- Or at a juice bar. - Or on the house phone.
- Nobody even knows our number. - I don't even know our number.
- You're saying Dad's not gonna go online? - Yep.
- Dad. - That's right.
- What about fantasy football? - Not a problem.
My team's set this week.
I am completely on board your mother's horse and buggy to yesteryear.
For the next week, I may as well be Amish... Jebediah Dunphy.
Raisin' barns, witnessin' murders, makin' electric fireplace hearths.
This is so unfair!
You know what? We're gonna make this fun, turn it into a game.
Whoever stays unplugged the longest wins.
- Not what I had in mind, Phil. - What do we win?
- What do you want? - A new computer.
- Done!
We're gonna get them off of electronics with the promise of more electronics?
- I want chicken pot pie. - And chicken.
- I want a car. - No way!
- Done! - I'm getting a car!
- Yeah! Fun, right? - No, no, no! Phil, we cannot afford a third car.
Relax. They're never gonna last as long as us.
Oh, honey, don't take this the wrong way...
but I have almost no faith in you.
Jeanie will be right out. She's just finishing up another interview.
- Thank you. - Thank you.
You're welcome. - I really like this place.
- Look at all these drawings. - I know.
Did you see the duckies in the yard?
- Lily loves duckies. - I know.
- I'm gonna mention that. - Well, do.
Because that's really gonna...
set her apart from the rest of the kids.
We should also mention how she always perks up when we watch Charlie Rose.
That was one time. He was interviewing Elmo.
You boys ought to relax.
Oh, I'm sorry. We just... We really want to make a good impression.
Hmm. Gay adoptive parents with a minority baby?
Sugars, you can get into any school you want.
- I'm sorry. Really? - Oh, you didn't know that?
Oh, yeah.
All of these schools like to brag about their diversity.
You're diverse times three... in demand.
You're like Jimmy Buffett tickets...
to these hybrid-driving, straight white folks.
I hear that, girl.
Yeah.
I'm coming!
Where the hell's the dog?
Who is it? - It's our neighbor.
- The dog is gone. - Maybe it ran away.
- It was chained to a tree. - Maybe your wife took it.
According to my credit card, my wife is in Europe...
searching for the world's most expensive hotel.
- Then what do you want from us? - You come over complaining about the dog.
And the next day it's gone? You tell me.
- I'll tell... - How dare you?
You come to our house, you ring our bell many times...
and you accuse us of taking your dog!
- You should go home. - We're not done here.
Yes, we are.
- What did you do? - You don't want to know.
Gloria's grandfather and uncles were butchers...
so she's always had a certain comfort level when it comes to...
killing.
One time, we had this rat.
What? First you smash it.
- Then you cut the head off.
- It was like nothing to her.
I go to church now.
She left the head out there to send a message to the other rats.
Hey! - Hi, honey. How was your day at work?
- Amazing. - Great. What happened?
Instead of wasting my lunch hour surfing the Web, checking football stats...
I put on some mellow music and I meditated.
- Wow. For how long? - I have no idea.
I just woke up 20 minutes ago.
Hey, Mom. I need a bar of soap and a black marker for an art project.
Okay, well, the marker's over there, and the soap is under the sink.
Isn't it great how much time you have now that you're not wasting it online?
Oh, my God. Is this what you always sound like?
Look what I built, Dad. Dunphy Towers.
200 condos... a happy family in every one.
Way to go, buddy.
I gotta hand it to you, honey. Twenty-four hours without video games...
he's already contributing to society.
Die! Die!
To be fair, he's using his imagination.
There's no fire escapes! They cut corners!
I'll cut your corners!
- Hello?
Oh, hi. Luke, honey, it's for you.
Hi, Griffin. How are you?
Yeah, he's right here. Hold on.
Hey, Griffin.
Oh, my God.
- What happened?
There's a parasailing donkey video on YouTube.
- Oh, my God! - Wait.
Luke, what about the contest?
I quit. I'm not made of stone, you know.
I can't believe it.
I got a "B" on my paper.
- Good for you. - Yeah.
No, it would be good for you. It's terrible for me.
Thanks to your moldy encyclopedias...
my take on mitosis was completely out-of-date.
They don't even call it protoplasm anymore. It's cytoplasm.
Well, you could have asked one of us.
- Now you're making jokes? - I'm not making a joke.
Really? What's the difference between a gamete and a zygote?
- Don't fall for it, Claire. She's just making up words. - Huh.
That's it. I need the Internet.
I'm out of your stupid contest.
Hmm.
And then there were three.
- She's kind of scary. - We're not buying her a car.
- Hey, buddy. What you reading?
- The Old Man and the Sea. - You like it?
- I like that Hemingway gets to the point. - You read a lot of his stuff?
- That was a hint, Jay. - Oh.
Oh, okay.
I wanna ask you something, between you and me.
You wanna know if I think my mom did something to that dog.
- Yeah. - Sit.
- Don't most kids drink soda? - Who knows what they do?
So. Your mom.
Jay, I have learned a few things in my 12 years.
Don't skimp on linens.
Don't compliment a teacher on her figure.
And when it comes to my mom...
never ask questions I don't want the answers to.
I don't buy it. A sensitive kid like you...
I think you want to know every bit as much as I do.
- You're wrong.
Then why is your hand shaking?
This is my fifth one of these today.
- I-I may have a problem. - Okay. That's enough.
No. No, no. 4:00 tomorrow is fine.
Yeah, my life partner and I will see you then.
- Okay, th-thank you. - Since when do you call me your "life partner"?
Since a spot opened up at Billingsley Academy.
But I like Wagon Wheel. It had all the duckies.
And it reminded me of where I went in Missouri.
Cam, everyone goes to Billingsley for a reason.
- It's the Harvard of preschools. - She's not even two years old yet.
She doesn't need the Harvard of preschools.
She needs finger painting and duckies.
I'm begging you to please just say "ducks."
- Hello.
Great news. Wagon Wheel loved you.
- You're in. - Oh.
- Wagon Wheel wants us. - Oh, yes!
That's great and everything, but actually...
we have an appointment tomorrow at Billingsley.
- Really? - Yeah. Apparently, we are in very high demand.
Oh. Well, just so you know, I don't think Wagon Wheel's gonna hold a place for you.
Well, I think we're gonna take our chance.
Take our chance? That sounds chancy.
You know, Mitchell, you were the one who called me in a panic.
You were the one who needed me to get you in.
I'm sorry, Claire. I didn't mean to put you out.
But let's not get too dramatic. You wrote an e-mail.
It wasn't an e-mail.
It was a phone call... from a landline.
- What did you do? - What's best for Lily.
- Did you? - This is the first time being gay is a competitive advantage.
They're choosing teams for gym class, and we're finally getting picked first.
I always got picked first. I could throw a dodgeball through a piece of plywood.
But I see your point.
Hey. - Ah!
Don't sneak up on me like that.
- What are you doing out here? - You got in my head about my mom.
Is that the rat shovel?
Yeah.
- Are you checking it for signs of dog? - I was going to.
Let's do this quick.
If she catches us, we're as dead as that dog probably is.
- What are you doing here? - Nothing.
Why are you looking at that shovel?
Do you think someone did something with that shovel, Manny?
- He thinks you killed the dog! - You little rat.
Don't call me a rat! She kills rats!
- You really think that I would kill a dog? - What was I supposed to think?
I don't know. How about... I didn't kill a dog?
- Just tell me what you did with it. - He's in a better place.
- That's what people say when something's dead. - Okay, fine.
I took him to a farm where he has plenty of room to run.
That's the second thing people say when something's dead.
My hairdresser's brother has three kids. They live in the country.
They were so happy to have the dog that they gave me a jar of pickles.
Is that also what they say when something is dead?
Really?
Look. Look how happy they are...
instead of him being tied to a tree outside with no one to talk to.
Why didn't you just tell me this in the first place?
Ay, like you would be okay with me stealing a dog.
- No. - Exactly. That's why I didn't tell you.
Now the dog is happy, Manny can sleep, and we have pickles.
Okay, it worked out this time, but don't forget that stealing is against the law.
- Now maybe in Colombia... - Ah, here we go.
Because in Colombia, we trip over goats and we kill people in the street.
Do you know how offensive that is?
Like we're Peruvians!
The contest was hard.
Reservations.
Even though we had sworn off the Internet, the rest of the world hadn't.
Orlando.
Domestic.
Representative.
Representative! Representative! Representative!
You've got mail.
- Really, Claire? - You don't understand.
I was trying to deal with our plane tickets to visit your family.
Please stop. You're just embarrassing yourself.
Well, it looks like it's just you and me, old man.
Bring it.
And finally, here we are back at the office.
- Mmm. - If you two would like to take a seat...
I will let Mr. Plympton know that you're here.
- Thank you. - Yes, thank you.
- This place is amazing.
- I told you. - It's like Hogwarts!
The, uh... the ladybug sanctuary.
- Oh, my gosh. The little cobblestones. - So sweet, I know.
Screw the duckies. We belong here.
- Do you think they're gonna let us in? - Cam, relax.
- We're queer. We're here. - Yes, we are.
Okay, just a few more minutes.
- Thank you. - Yes. Thank you.
- Hi. I'm Stephanie Kaner, and this is Jafar. - Hi.
- And we have an interview with Mr. Plympton. - Wonderful. These two are first.
Single white mother. Black child.
So what? Lily's Asian. We're gay.
In the school admissions poker game, we're the winning hand.
Oh, honey, sorry.
- My partner, Kavita. - Hi. Nice to meet you.
Hello. Nice to meet you. It'll be just a few minutes.
Disabled interracial lesbians with an African kicker?
Did not see that coming.
It's been a while since I read an actual newspaper.
Miss that sound.
- No, no, no, no! - What is it?
Brady's injured. No!
He's my whole team. I have to change my roster.
Honey, if you can't do it over the phone, you can't do it.
Because we're not buying Haley a car.
- Yeah. Yeah. - Yeah. Yeah.
Well... Well, I'm just gonna go to the bathroom.
Phil Dunphy, don't you even dream of it.
Claire, all my friends are in that league. I'm gonna look like an idiot.
- So what? - So I paid a huge entrance fee.
- How huge? - Not huge. Tiny.
- Oh, my goodness.
How is she not cracking up there?
- Listen to her. No, I know. But do you know?
- Wait a minute. She's alone. - So?
She's alone.
Oh, my God.
I know. You should see her pants. I'll text it to you.
Oh, wait. Okay, hold on. I'll send it.
- Ha! Ah, ha, ha! - Aha!
Busted!
Sophie, I have to call you back.
I knew it! I knew you couldn't do it. I told you I'd outlast them.
- This sucks. - What's going on?
I'll tell you what's going on. I win.
Nobody gets a car, I dump Tom Brady...
and our long Amish nightmare is over.
I can't believe you thought you were gonna put one over on us.
I can't believe that he's actually already on the Internet.
Believe it, girl.
- So you're actually online right now? - Yep.
Well, then I hate to break it to you, Daddy...
but you lose.
What?
This isn't my phone.
I carved it out of a bar of soap and colored it in with a marker.
Phil, she carved a telephone out of a bar of soap.
I can't believe that I'm getting a car!
- Holy crap. We've been Shawshanked.
Sorry about the delay. I was going over the plans for our new dance studio.
- Wow.
So, tell me about yourselves.
Uh, well, I'm a lawyer, so...
- Many of our applicants are attorneys. - Of course.
- What sets you apart? - Um, well, I...
Well, my white-man name is Tucker.
I am 1/16th Cherokee.
Ready for child to soar like eagle.
Oh, God.
So, what are you saying?
- Uh... - Um...
- You're not getting a car. - But I won.
- Yes, but we never thought you would. - Mm-hmm.
- So? So...
Congratulations on your victory.
- Nobody can ever take that away from you. - So true.
But I spent two days in my room, talking to a bar of soap.
- It's not fair. - It's totally not fair.
- We're outraged. - Bad parenting.
- But we had a deal.
Which, in hindsight, was utter nonsense.
Hey.
- We hated Billingsley. - The place is so stupid.
You blew the interview, didn't you?
Lesbians.
- In a wheelchair. Oh.
- You still mad at me? - You tell me.
- What is this? - I've been thinking.
If you said as much about America as I said about Colombia...
I'd be plenty ticked off.
Doesn't make up for everything, but...
A trip to Colombia?
I wanna see your village, learn your culture.
I love you. I'm sure I'm gonna love where you come from.
Ay, Jay. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
No way he's going to my village.
I was in two car accidents when I was living there.
Both times, I hit a goat. One was hurt pretty bad.
But it was a good thing I had a shovel in the trunk.
The tribe elders foretold...
that though I lay with fire-haired man...
the giving hawk would bring us baby...
with her skin the color of sweet corn...
which my people call maize.
Okay. Please stop.
Well, uh...
Knowledge is her sustenance.
Like so much maize...
which, you'll remember, means corn.
What if I was a single dad?
English - US - SDH