1 00:00:02,516 --> 00:00:05,038 So we're gonna change that one. 2 00:00:05,039 --> 00:00:06,454 I'm back. 3 00:00:07,396 --> 00:00:09,908 Okay, let me see, let me see, let me see! 4 00:00:10,579 --> 00:00:12,047 You guys are want to, um... 5 00:00:12,760 --> 00:00:13,832 Oh, my God! 6 00:00:13,833 --> 00:00:16,921 I love it! 7 00:00:17,148 --> 00:00:18,140 All clear. 8 00:00:19,034 --> 00:00:20,138 Okay, so-- 9 00:00:21,115 --> 00:00:23,188 So good! It is so good! 10 00:00:24,182 --> 00:00:25,032 For the last few months, 11 00:00:25,033 --> 00:00:27,167 Cam and I have been redoing a house together 12 00:00:27,168 --> 00:00:27,998 that we're gonna flip, 13 00:00:27,999 --> 00:00:30,035 and I have to say, it has been goin' great! 14 00:00:30,036 --> 00:00:31,825 We make an amazing team. 15 00:00:31,826 --> 00:00:34,353 - Yeah. The key is trust. - Absolutely. 16 00:00:34,354 --> 00:00:37,626 The key is, I let Claire think she's in charge. 17 00:00:37,627 --> 00:00:40,520 I hide what I want in something bigger and more expensive. 18 00:00:40,521 --> 00:00:42,270 Then when she rejects that, 19 00:00:42,271 --> 00:00:45,527 we "compromise" on what I wanted all along. 20 00:00:45,663 --> 00:00:47,562 I call my method "the Trojan horse." 21 00:00:47,563 --> 00:00:50,142 You know how I got Lily? I asked Mitchell for triplets. 22 00:00:50,510 --> 00:00:51,301 - Okay. - Uh-huh? 23 00:00:51,302 --> 00:00:52,822 You are going to love 24 00:00:52,823 --> 00:00:54,694 what I found for the kitchen countertops. 25 00:00:56,407 --> 00:00:57,923 It's from Carrarra, Italy. 26 00:00:58,005 --> 00:01:01,110 It's where Michelangelo got the marble to make the "David." 27 00:01:01,251 --> 00:01:04,547 Oh. Now we know why the "David" couldn't afford any clothes. 28 00:01:04,548 --> 00:01:05,990 Okay, well, uh... 29 00:01:06,409 --> 00:01:08,464 I also found this one. 30 00:01:08,703 --> 00:01:11,320 It's not as nice, but it's less expensive. 31 00:01:11,637 --> 00:01:13,452 Well, it's still over budget, but... 32 00:01:14,281 --> 00:01:15,481 I guess it's okay. 33 00:01:16,255 --> 00:01:16,982 - Mm. - Yeah. 34 00:01:16,983 --> 00:01:18,767 By the way, we couldn't get the powder room fixtures you wanted. 35 00:01:18,768 --> 00:01:19,561 What? Why? 36 00:01:19,562 --> 00:01:23,769 Well, they're 23%, or $982, over the budget. 37 00:01:23,770 --> 00:01:28,045 Keeping in mind, that space is only 12% of 1,462 square feet. 38 00:01:28,046 --> 00:01:29,761 Whenever I need to rein in Cam's spending, 39 00:01:29,762 --> 00:01:33,736 I employ something that I like to call "the number dump." 40 00:01:33,737 --> 00:01:37,359 So... unless you wanna cut 16%, 41 00:01:37,360 --> 00:01:41,022 or $1,764 from somewhere in the flooring budget, 42 00:01:41,023 --> 00:01:42,791 we've gotta find another 4% overall. 43 00:01:42,792 --> 00:01:44,966 Yeah. No, as long as they're pretty, it's fine. It's fine. 44 00:01:44,967 --> 00:01:47,822 Yesterday, I accidentally said "eleventy-five." 45 00:01:56,721 --> 00:02:00,221 Synced by YYeTs, corrected by gloriabg www.addic7ed.com 46 00:02:01,378 --> 00:02:03,807 So everybody knows how hard I worked on that project. 47 00:02:03,808 --> 00:02:04,787 I mean-- 48 00:02:08,527 --> 00:02:09,629 Hey, wait. What are you doing? 49 00:02:09,630 --> 00:02:11,076 Trying to put the sugar back in the thing. 50 00:02:11,077 --> 00:02:12,445 Well, just go get the broom. 51 00:02:12,446 --> 00:02:13,781 I'll eat it for a dollar. 52 00:02:13,890 --> 00:02:15,699 What did I say about eating things for money? 53 00:02:15,700 --> 00:02:17,685 Charge the most. Then people will think you're worth it. 54 00:02:17,686 --> 00:02:19,319 That's right. That's at least $5. 55 00:02:19,320 --> 00:02:21,550 - Hey, he said a dollar. - Broom. 56 00:02:21,821 --> 00:02:23,617 Hey, dad, I can't find my scarf, 57 00:02:23,618 --> 00:02:25,089 and the closet light's burnt out. 58 00:02:25,090 --> 00:02:26,911 - So just change it. - I can't reach it. 59 00:02:26,912 --> 00:02:29,224 Oh, if only there was some magical way 60 00:02:29,225 --> 00:02:31,423 of getting up closer to the ceiling. 61 00:02:31,424 --> 00:02:33,231 Okay, now you just sound like Dylan. 62 00:02:33,232 --> 00:02:35,133 - I'm saying get a step stool. - Whoa, whoa, whoa. 63 00:02:35,134 --> 00:02:36,947 One thing at a time, okay? 64 00:02:36,948 --> 00:02:38,340 What is happening? 65 00:02:38,528 --> 00:02:39,600 I'm sweeping. 66 00:02:39,601 --> 00:02:40,427 No, you're not sweeping. 67 00:02:40,428 --> 00:02:42,030 You're just spreading it all around. 68 00:02:42,031 --> 00:02:44,276 It's gonna cost more if you want me to eat it now. 69 00:02:45,102 --> 00:02:46,136 That's when it hit me-- 70 00:02:46,137 --> 00:02:48,825 my daughters know nothing about home care and maintenance. 71 00:02:48,826 --> 00:02:50,573 I don't want 'em to be dependent. 72 00:02:50,574 --> 00:02:52,258 It's up to me to show them what a modern, 73 00:02:52,259 --> 00:02:54,372 self-sufficient woman looks like. 74 00:02:59,160 --> 00:02:59,857 Careful. Keep that up, 75 00:02:59,858 --> 00:03:02,271 he'll have to hit "numero dos" when he calls the DMV. 76 00:03:02,272 --> 00:03:04,162 By the time he's old enough to call, 77 00:03:04,163 --> 00:03:06,030 it will be "numero uno." 78 00:03:06,853 --> 00:03:07,872 Ay, there he is. 79 00:03:07,873 --> 00:03:10,347 Manny, why did you have breakfast alone outside? 80 00:03:10,348 --> 00:03:12,162 I felt like eating breakfast alfresco. 81 00:03:12,163 --> 00:03:13,504 Does that mean he had his pants off? 82 00:03:13,505 --> 00:03:15,143 Because if I can't, he can't. 83 00:03:15,144 --> 00:03:19,033 Jay, he's been eating outside on his own all week. 84 00:03:19,034 --> 00:03:20,730 Do you think that he feels left out 85 00:03:20,731 --> 00:03:22,819 because of all the attention I give Joe? 86 00:03:22,820 --> 00:03:24,105 You know, I've been wondering the same thing. 87 00:03:24,106 --> 00:03:26,476 Tell you what-- why don't I have some father-son time 88 00:03:26,477 --> 00:03:27,779 with Joe this afternoon 89 00:03:27,780 --> 00:03:29,613 and give you some time with Manny? 90 00:03:30,016 --> 00:03:31,346 Ay, that's so sweet. 91 00:03:31,347 --> 00:03:33,173 You can take Joe to his baby class. 92 00:03:33,174 --> 00:03:35,057 Gloria, I think he already knows how to be a baby. 93 00:03:35,058 --> 00:03:37,441 I love you, but I can't laugh at that again. 94 00:03:37,944 --> 00:03:41,213 Manny, how about I pick you up after school, 95 00:03:41,214 --> 00:03:43,023 and we both have a special day? 96 00:03:43,024 --> 00:03:44,251 Well, I did talk to Jay 97 00:03:44,252 --> 00:03:46,052 about getting some tickets for this reading. 98 00:03:46,226 --> 00:03:47,064 What reading? 99 00:03:47,065 --> 00:03:48,026 Seriously? 100 00:03:48,027 --> 00:03:49,516 The stage reading of "Moby Dick"? 101 00:03:49,517 --> 00:03:50,862 I told you about it last night. 102 00:03:50,863 --> 00:03:53,338 I have zero recollection of this. 103 00:03:53,339 --> 00:03:55,310 I knew I shouldn't have poured you that second scotch. 104 00:03:55,311 --> 00:03:56,693 Sorry, buddy, but I already committed 105 00:03:56,694 --> 00:03:57,663 to spending the afternoon with Joe 106 00:03:57,664 --> 00:03:59,509 so you and your mom could have more time together. 107 00:03:59,510 --> 00:04:00,774 Hey, maybe she can take you. 108 00:04:00,775 --> 00:04:02,450 - Can we, mom? - Of course, mi amor. 109 00:04:02,451 --> 00:04:04,626 It's your special day. We'll do whatever you want. 110 00:04:04,627 --> 00:04:07,730 Great. This is gonna be four hours you'll never forget. 111 00:04:08,121 --> 00:04:10,770 Hey, buddy. Looks like it's just the dos of us. 112 00:04:12,392 --> 00:04:15,128 Why do I feel that you did something shifty? 113 00:04:15,129 --> 00:04:15,946 I have no idea. 114 00:04:15,947 --> 00:04:17,827 But I gotta say, it's not your best quality. 115 00:04:19,302 --> 00:04:21,038 All right, sweetie, you have a good day. 116 00:04:21,652 --> 00:04:23,526 Watch me play handball, daddy. 117 00:04:23,527 --> 00:04:24,455 Oh, okay. 118 00:04:24,456 --> 00:04:25,667 Next! 119 00:04:25,668 --> 00:04:28,089 That's Milo. He beats everybody. 120 00:04:29,281 --> 00:04:30,978 Next loser! 121 00:04:31,643 --> 00:04:33,932 - He's mean. - Yeah, I'm gettin' that. 122 00:04:35,931 --> 00:04:37,830 Next! 123 00:04:38,467 --> 00:04:39,902 Another girl? 124 00:04:39,903 --> 00:04:41,457 Hey, sweetie? Sweetie? 125 00:04:41,458 --> 00:04:43,185 You're gonna do great, okay? 126 00:04:43,235 --> 00:04:44,852 If you say so. 127 00:04:45,209 --> 00:04:46,114 Next! 128 00:04:46,115 --> 00:04:47,704 Uh, Milo? That-- that was my fault. 129 00:04:47,705 --> 00:04:48,802 I distracted her, 130 00:04:48,803 --> 00:04:49,872 so maybe she could just go again? 131 00:04:49,873 --> 00:04:51,982 No do-overs. Next! 132 00:04:52,118 --> 00:04:54,703 Well, I'm next, and I would like to give her my turn. 133 00:04:54,704 --> 00:04:56,866 No switcheroos. Are you playing or not? 134 00:04:56,867 --> 00:04:59,900 - No. - Chicken. Next. 135 00:04:59,908 --> 00:05:02,165 I hate bullies. I've hated them my whole life. 136 00:05:02,166 --> 00:05:04,315 I hated them when they were named Scott Dworkin 137 00:05:04,316 --> 00:05:07,236 or Greg Pechenko or Katie Greenwald. 138 00:05:08,860 --> 00:05:10,827 Okay, you know what? I'm gonna play. 139 00:05:10,868 --> 00:05:12,556 But, daddy, he's really good. 140 00:05:12,557 --> 00:05:13,544 Well, I'm really good, too. 141 00:05:13,545 --> 00:05:15,362 - But it's a sport. - I got this. 142 00:05:15,363 --> 00:05:16,580 You done talking? 143 00:05:16,741 --> 00:05:18,275 You know, it's really appropriate that we're at a school, 144 00:05:18,276 --> 00:05:20,235 because I'm about to teach you a lesson. 145 00:05:23,969 --> 00:05:25,281 Next! 146 00:05:25,313 --> 00:05:27,009 All right. Sorry, sweetheart. 147 00:05:27,125 --> 00:05:28,491 Here, I'll walk you to class. 148 00:05:28,701 --> 00:05:30,242 No, thank you, mister. 149 00:05:30,243 --> 00:05:31,291 But... 150 00:05:36,745 --> 00:05:37,777 Whatcha doin'? 151 00:05:39,116 --> 00:05:40,596 I think I have an idea. 152 00:05:45,628 --> 00:05:48,908 Okay. Every house needs a "wow" factor, right? 153 00:05:49,146 --> 00:05:51,619 - Mm... - What is the one thing this backyard is missing? 154 00:05:51,620 --> 00:05:53,725 - A qualified buyer? - Now don't be silly. 155 00:05:53,726 --> 00:05:56,916 No. A water feature with a fire element. 156 00:05:56,917 --> 00:05:58,132 Oh, God, no. 157 00:05:58,133 --> 00:05:59,960 No, no, please. Now just imagine-- 158 00:05:59,961 --> 00:06:01,694 this entire back wall 159 00:06:01,695 --> 00:06:05,264 cascading into a reservoir that erupts into flames 160 00:06:05,265 --> 00:06:07,371 on the quarter hour. How does that sound? 161 00:06:07,372 --> 00:06:09,193 Like we need a white tiger. 162 00:06:09,194 --> 00:06:10,408 Maybe I'm being a little ambitious. 163 00:06:10,409 --> 00:06:12,456 So let's just do a couple dancing water fountains, 164 00:06:12,457 --> 00:06:14,468 - call it a day. - No, wait. Cam, Cam, Cam. 165 00:06:14,469 --> 00:06:15,960 That's gonna still put us, like, 166 00:06:15,961 --> 00:06:17,555 $3,500 over our landscape budget. 167 00:06:17,556 --> 00:06:19,158 Right now, we're 40-12 percent higher 168 00:06:19,159 --> 00:06:20,199 than I thought we'd be at this point 169 00:06:20,200 --> 00:06:22,133 because Smitty added that 8% surcharge. 170 00:06:22,134 --> 00:06:24,230 I'm sorry-- Did you just say 40-12 percent? 171 00:06:24,334 --> 00:06:25,021 Mm, no, I didn't. 172 00:06:25,022 --> 00:06:26,567 Yes, you did. You do this all the time. 173 00:06:26,568 --> 00:06:29,495 You just throw numbers at me to frighten and confuse me. 174 00:06:29,771 --> 00:06:31,598 And here I thought we were working so well together, 175 00:06:31,599 --> 00:06:33,139 and you're just being manipulative. 176 00:06:33,140 --> 00:06:34,254 What about you, Cam? 177 00:06:34,255 --> 00:06:36,159 Pitching these crazy, over-the-top ideas 178 00:06:36,160 --> 00:06:38,213 just so you can slip in what you really want. 179 00:06:38,214 --> 00:06:41,477 Oh, how dare you accuse me of Trojan horsing you. 180 00:06:41,478 --> 00:06:42,970 You have a name for it? 181 00:06:42,971 --> 00:06:44,044 No, I mean-- 182 00:06:44,203 --> 00:06:45,642 You know what? I will not stand here 183 00:06:45,643 --> 00:06:47,471 and be accused by the likes of you. 184 00:06:47,472 --> 00:06:48,788 And if there was a door here, missy, 185 00:06:48,789 --> 00:06:50,245 I would slam it your face. 186 00:06:50,246 --> 00:06:53,473 Oh-ho! I thought we weren't flaming till the quarter hour! 187 00:06:59,846 --> 00:07:01,851 Gloria and Manny left me alone with Joe, 188 00:07:01,852 --> 00:07:04,516 and it was great... for about 20 minutes. 189 00:07:05,163 --> 00:07:06,820 Then the little bugger turned on me. 190 00:07:06,821 --> 00:07:08,669 I tried everything to calm him down-- 191 00:07:08,670 --> 00:07:10,412 Bouncing. Bottle. 192 00:07:10,413 --> 00:07:12,269 Brightly colored objects. 193 00:07:12,616 --> 00:07:13,847 Bigger bottle. 194 00:07:14,083 --> 00:07:16,161 So I did the old "put him in the car" trick. 195 00:07:16,162 --> 00:07:17,464 But I could still hear him out there. 196 00:07:17,465 --> 00:07:18,544 I'm just kidding. 197 00:07:18,545 --> 00:07:20,216 I drove him to his little class, 198 00:07:20,217 --> 00:07:22,430 but he dozed off right before we got there. 199 00:07:22,584 --> 00:07:25,024 Or he took a page from the Jay Pritchett playbook-- 200 00:07:25,025 --> 00:07:28,970 saw the crap he was in for and pretended to be asleep. 201 00:07:29,633 --> 00:07:30,897 Mr. Pritchett? 202 00:07:31,082 --> 00:07:32,603 - Yeah. - Rachel Lissy. 203 00:07:32,604 --> 00:07:34,327 Claire's friend from High School, remember? 204 00:07:34,328 --> 00:07:35,200 How could I forget? 205 00:07:35,201 --> 00:07:37,684 You knocked down my mailbox with your K-car. 206 00:07:37,685 --> 00:07:39,442 Again, I apologize. 207 00:07:39,443 --> 00:07:40,963 - How you doin'? - Couldn't be better. 208 00:07:40,964 --> 00:07:42,879 I've been married for 15 years, 209 00:07:42,880 --> 00:07:44,416 two great boys over there. 210 00:07:44,526 --> 00:07:47,492 Cooper! Unhand your brother! 211 00:07:49,416 --> 00:07:51,495 I'm taking them to the James Bond movie, 212 00:07:51,496 --> 00:07:54,288 and they don't want me to sit with them. 213 00:07:55,372 --> 00:07:56,359 I miss babies. 214 00:07:56,360 --> 00:07:57,560 Oh, they're a lot of fun, huh? 215 00:07:57,561 --> 00:07:59,952 - So nice to see you. - Nice seeing you. 216 00:08:00,549 --> 00:08:01,740 Great kids. 217 00:08:04,110 --> 00:08:05,292 Ugh! No, you're not! 218 00:08:06,695 --> 00:08:08,965 Joe, I found a better way for us to bond... 219 00:08:10,784 --> 00:08:12,138 James Bond. 220 00:08:13,846 --> 00:08:15,607 My dad taught me everything there is to know 221 00:08:15,608 --> 00:08:16,981 about maintaining a home, 222 00:08:16,982 --> 00:08:19,453 and today, that tradition continues. 223 00:08:19,454 --> 00:08:21,982 Voila! Light bulb changed. 224 00:08:22,108 --> 00:08:25,262 Hey, I have an idea. 225 00:08:25,567 --> 00:08:27,288 Let's get to know the house, huh? 226 00:08:27,360 --> 00:08:28,253 Hey, I have an idea-- 227 00:08:28,254 --> 00:08:29,653 let's lock him in. 228 00:08:30,298 --> 00:08:32,888 Okay. Let's go over this baby right here. 229 00:08:32,889 --> 00:08:34,208 What are we lookin' at, huh? 230 00:08:34,366 --> 00:08:35,943 Photosynthesis? 231 00:08:38,764 --> 00:08:40,437 In a sense, yeah. 232 00:08:40,438 --> 00:08:41,518 - Yeah? - Yeah, yeah. 233 00:08:41,538 --> 00:08:44,337 Uh, photosynthesis converts carbon dioxide 234 00:08:44,338 --> 00:08:45,622 into food for plants, 235 00:08:45,623 --> 00:08:49,564 this water heater converts cold water into hot. 236 00:08:49,565 --> 00:08:51,484 What converts this conversation into over? 237 00:08:51,485 --> 00:08:52,947 Girls, you need to learn these things. 238 00:08:52,948 --> 00:08:55,268 You might find yourselves living alone at some point. 239 00:08:58,002 --> 00:08:59,081 I long for the day. 240 00:08:59,082 --> 00:09:01,591 Okay, we're just gonna start with something really basic, all right? 241 00:09:01,592 --> 00:09:03,847 I am turning the pilot light off. 242 00:09:03,848 --> 00:09:05,407 These things go out occasionally. 243 00:09:05,408 --> 00:09:07,231 - Why? - I don't know. No one knows. 244 00:09:07,232 --> 00:09:08,611 Let's just say gremlins do it. 245 00:09:08,612 --> 00:09:11,065 But if it happens to you, what do you do? 246 00:09:11,066 --> 00:09:12,275 - Call a guy. - Or a girl. 247 00:09:12,276 --> 00:09:13,860 Oh, my God, we're literally in a closet, 248 00:09:13,861 --> 00:09:15,489 - and you just said that. - Focus. 249 00:09:15,540 --> 00:09:18,196 You don't call anyone. To re-light the pilot, 250 00:09:18,238 --> 00:09:19,702 turn the valve to "pilot," 251 00:09:19,713 --> 00:09:21,829 you press it down to begin the flow of gas, 252 00:09:21,830 --> 00:09:23,406 you wait a few seconds... 253 00:09:24,278 --> 00:09:25,845 Where you guys from originally? 254 00:09:27,117 --> 00:09:29,186 And you just press the igniter. 255 00:09:29,187 --> 00:09:30,259 There you go. 256 00:09:30,786 --> 00:09:32,914 That's odd. Why is it not working? 257 00:09:32,915 --> 00:09:35,100 Oh, I got it. Why don't we just fill it up 258 00:09:35,101 --> 00:09:36,781 with hot water from the tap? 259 00:09:37,701 --> 00:09:39,324 Found another light that's out. 260 00:09:40,045 --> 00:09:42,933 Claire and I were at a stalemate on the water feature. 261 00:09:42,934 --> 00:09:45,705 So I brought in an experienced professional 262 00:09:45,706 --> 00:09:47,154 to help break the tie. 263 00:09:47,406 --> 00:09:49,411 Pam also happens to be a friend 264 00:09:49,412 --> 00:09:52,041 and a fellow gay parent at Lily's school. 265 00:09:52,042 --> 00:09:55,218 Am I trying to stack the deck against Claire here? 266 00:09:55,386 --> 00:09:57,977 No. I would never be so... 267 00:09:59,007 --> 00:10:00,126 genius. 268 00:10:03,067 --> 00:10:03,816 Hi. 269 00:10:03,817 --> 00:10:05,649 Oh. Oh, Claire, this is Pam. 270 00:10:05,650 --> 00:10:07,583 - Pam, Claire. - Oh, hi. Nice to meet you. 271 00:10:07,584 --> 00:10:10,043 - You, too. - Pam is a licensed contractor. 272 00:10:10,044 --> 00:10:11,495 - Done a lot of houses. - Uh-huh? 273 00:10:11,496 --> 00:10:13,350 I thought it'd be nice to bring in a third party 274 00:10:13,351 --> 00:10:15,618 that's objective, to help settle the fountain dispute. 275 00:10:15,619 --> 00:10:17,813 Oh. Objective, right. 276 00:10:17,814 --> 00:10:19,796 Well, my son does go to school with Lily, 277 00:10:19,797 --> 00:10:21,789 but believe me, that is not gonna sway my decision 278 00:10:21,790 --> 00:10:24,084 - any more than the fact that you are beautiful. - Hmm? 279 00:10:24,747 --> 00:10:26,616 Thank you. You are, too. 280 00:10:26,617 --> 00:10:27,593 Thank you. 281 00:10:28,068 --> 00:10:29,205 Let me grab your cans. 282 00:10:29,206 --> 00:10:30,534 Your paint cans. 283 00:10:30,964 --> 00:10:32,018 There you go. 284 00:10:32,019 --> 00:10:33,211 So... 285 00:10:40,567 --> 00:10:41,886 Hey, what's the matter, Joe? 286 00:10:41,887 --> 00:10:44,976 Hey, that's a boy. That's a boy. 287 00:10:45,822 --> 00:10:48,463 Come here. There you go. 288 00:10:48,634 --> 00:10:50,761 Here you are. There you go. 289 00:10:50,775 --> 00:10:51,961 There you go. 290 00:10:53,024 --> 00:10:54,722 You know, I'm happy to take him outside 291 00:10:54,723 --> 00:10:56,639 - until he stops crying. - Oh, no, I wouldn't want you to miss this. 292 00:10:56,640 --> 00:10:58,823 It's fine. Once Daniel Craig put his shirt back on, 293 00:10:58,824 --> 00:11:00,014 - I lost interest. - Are you sure? 294 00:11:00,015 --> 00:11:01,623 - Absolutely. - Okay. 295 00:11:01,840 --> 00:11:03,698 Here-- just go ahead. Attaboy. 296 00:11:04,053 --> 00:11:05,805 Attaboy. Thank you very much. 297 00:11:05,897 --> 00:11:07,100 I'll be right outside. 298 00:11:07,101 --> 00:11:08,048 - Okay. - Shh! 299 00:11:08,596 --> 00:11:09,981 You shush, Nathan! 300 00:11:12,960 --> 00:11:14,131 Stupid thing! 301 00:11:14,132 --> 00:11:15,749 Dad, we've been standing here forever. 302 00:11:15,750 --> 00:11:16,991 Can't we just call the guy? 303 00:11:16,992 --> 00:11:18,859 No. There is no guy. I'm the guy. 304 00:11:18,860 --> 00:11:20,585 Here's what I need you to do. Run to the hardware store, 305 00:11:20,586 --> 00:11:22,906 get me a T6 torx screwdriver. 306 00:11:22,907 --> 00:11:24,365 - What? - Just ask the guy. 307 00:11:24,366 --> 00:11:25,469 I thought there was no guy. 308 00:11:25,470 --> 00:11:26,487 There is one there! 309 00:11:26,488 --> 00:11:27,695 - Could be a girl. - Eh? 310 00:11:27,696 --> 00:11:28,924 Just go! 311 00:11:29,868 --> 00:11:31,619 I didn't need a torx screwdriver. 312 00:11:31,620 --> 00:11:33,072 I've always wanted one, though. 313 00:11:33,785 --> 00:11:35,402 But I needed them out of the house, 314 00:11:35,403 --> 00:11:38,402 so... I could... call... a guy. 315 00:11:38,569 --> 00:11:40,970 Dad, help me. 316 00:11:41,174 --> 00:11:42,450 Are we gonna do that thing again 317 00:11:42,451 --> 00:11:45,187 where you try on different outfits like in "Pretty woman"? 318 00:11:46,878 --> 00:11:48,342 Hey. 319 00:11:48,479 --> 00:11:50,743 Saw you sinkin' some J's back there, huh? 320 00:11:50,744 --> 00:11:52,944 Box and one. Cover two. 321 00:11:53,028 --> 00:11:55,036 Sh-Shaq-a-hack? Am I right? 322 00:11:55,052 --> 00:11:55,977 Not even close. 323 00:11:55,978 --> 00:11:57,856 - What's up? - Well, word has it 324 00:11:57,857 --> 00:12:00,154 that you were a pretty good handball player back in the day. 325 00:12:00,155 --> 00:12:03,593 Yeah. And Neil Armstrong was a "pretty good" trumpet player. 326 00:12:03,594 --> 00:12:05,040 I see you spent a lot more time on the court 327 00:12:05,041 --> 00:12:06,021 than you did in the classroom, 328 00:12:06,022 --> 00:12:07,786 so clearly, I've come to the right place. 329 00:12:07,787 --> 00:12:09,669 Look, I need you to teach me everything you know. 330 00:12:09,670 --> 00:12:10,839 How come it's so important? 331 00:12:10,840 --> 00:12:11,705 Well, there's this kid, 332 00:12:11,706 --> 00:12:14,245 and he's been kind of bullying Lily and all her friends. 333 00:12:14,246 --> 00:12:15,506 And I tried to teach him. 334 00:12:15,507 --> 00:12:17,677 I tried to put him in his place on the handball court, 335 00:12:17,678 --> 00:12:19,263 and I lost. 336 00:12:19,520 --> 00:12:21,865 And I-I could just see the disappointment in Lily's eyes. 337 00:12:21,866 --> 00:12:23,881 Like there's any emotion in those eyes. 338 00:12:23,882 --> 00:12:25,241 Are you gonna help me or not? 339 00:12:25,905 --> 00:12:27,150 - Okay. - Yes! 340 00:12:27,151 --> 00:12:29,879 But I need you to give it 105%. 341 00:12:29,880 --> 00:12:31,643 Ah, no. It's 110%, buddy. 342 00:12:31,644 --> 00:12:32,996 That's impossible. 343 00:12:33,406 --> 00:12:35,594 Yes. I think the fountain's a little pricy. 344 00:12:35,595 --> 00:12:37,666 But you know what? It's gonna more than make up for itself 345 00:12:37,667 --> 00:12:38,608 when a family comes in here 346 00:12:38,609 --> 00:12:41,760 and falls head over heels in love with this home. 347 00:12:41,761 --> 00:12:42,959 Okay, that's a valid point. 348 00:12:42,960 --> 00:12:44,891 It is a bit of an empty space out there. 349 00:12:44,892 --> 00:12:45,532 Thank you. 350 00:12:45,533 --> 00:12:47,068 Well, I mean, I see what you're saying. 351 00:12:47,069 --> 00:12:49,262 Sorry. It's hot in here, right? 352 00:12:49,279 --> 00:12:51,770 Oh, well, you know, that happens to women of a certain age, 353 00:12:51,771 --> 00:12:53,115 like with my mom. 354 00:12:53,864 --> 00:12:55,948 Are you kidding? What are you, like, 35? 355 00:12:55,949 --> 00:12:58,588 What are you, like, an angel sent from heaven? 356 00:12:59,252 --> 00:13:00,979 I see what you're saying. 357 00:13:00,980 --> 00:13:03,675 I just feel that we might be pricing ourselves out of the market. 358 00:13:03,676 --> 00:13:05,683 If a family wants to come in here, 359 00:13:05,684 --> 00:13:08,132 and--and build themselves a fountain, 360 00:13:08,133 --> 00:13:10,005 they can do so themselves. 361 00:13:10,311 --> 00:13:11,398 That's true. 362 00:13:11,794 --> 00:13:14,009 Um, okay, well, you know, Pam, 363 00:13:14,161 --> 00:13:17,399 - um, there are lots of families like... ours... - Mm-hmm. 364 00:13:17,400 --> 00:13:20,229 Moving to this neighborhood for the schools. 365 00:13:20,230 --> 00:13:23,763 P.S., saw Connor's art project-- gorgeous. 366 00:13:23,874 --> 00:13:25,651 Talent runs in the family. 367 00:13:27,279 --> 00:13:30,725 Anyway, I'm just saying I think a family would respond 368 00:13:30,726 --> 00:13:33,343 to having a little drama in the backyard. 369 00:13:33,344 --> 00:13:37,631 I think Pam's made it pretty clear what she likes. Am I right? 370 00:13:38,038 --> 00:13:39,078 Well... 371 00:13:39,202 --> 00:13:40,700 Oh, no. 372 00:13:40,701 --> 00:13:43,302 Now my shirt is all see-through. 373 00:13:43,303 --> 00:13:44,411 And so are you. 374 00:13:44,412 --> 00:13:46,588 Please tell me you are not falling for this. 375 00:13:46,978 --> 00:13:50,131 I'm not, but I am enjoying this little show tremendously, 376 00:13:50,132 --> 00:13:51,372 so thank you. 377 00:13:51,972 --> 00:13:55,147 Yeah. As for my professional opinion on the fountain, 378 00:13:55,148 --> 00:13:56,133 don't do it. 379 00:13:56,134 --> 00:13:58,286 I mean, if you were gonna live here yourself, 380 00:13:58,287 --> 00:14:01,420 I'd say go for it. But it's too expensive for a flip. 381 00:14:01,421 --> 00:14:03,136 Yeah. Yeah. All right. 382 00:14:03,137 --> 00:14:04,217 Thank you. 383 00:14:05,534 --> 00:14:06,765 - Cam? - Fine. 384 00:14:06,819 --> 00:14:07,959 Lesbians. 385 00:14:09,983 --> 00:14:12,837 I can't believe I just went garter shopping with my son. 386 00:14:12,838 --> 00:14:15,498 When you find a better way to keep my socks up, let me know. 387 00:14:16,023 --> 00:14:17,200 Hey, as long as we're in the mall, 388 00:14:17,201 --> 00:14:19,343 you wanna stop in the baby class to see Jay and Joe? 389 00:14:19,344 --> 00:14:21,331 No. They need this time to make a connection. 390 00:14:21,332 --> 00:14:22,697 It's not like mother and son, 391 00:14:22,698 --> 00:14:24,923 that the bond is naturally strong. 392 00:14:24,959 --> 00:14:26,952 Hey, isn't that Joe over there? 393 00:14:28,692 --> 00:14:30,747 No, that's some weird baby. 394 00:14:31,207 --> 00:14:33,065 He's not perfect like my little Joe. 395 00:14:33,066 --> 00:14:34,610 But he's got the same blanket. 396 00:14:40,319 --> 00:14:42,224 Gloria. What are you doing here? 397 00:14:42,878 --> 00:14:44,591 You gave our baby to a stranger?! 398 00:14:44,592 --> 00:14:46,525 She's not a stranger. She's Claire's friend. 399 00:14:46,526 --> 00:14:47,870 - Shh! - Shut up, Nathan! 400 00:14:48,135 --> 00:14:49,152 Gloria! 401 00:14:55,936 --> 00:14:57,089 The gas is on, dad. 402 00:14:57,090 --> 00:14:58,385 I can see the spark from the igniter. 403 00:14:58,386 --> 00:14:59,350 I don't know what it is. 404 00:14:59,351 --> 00:15:01,149 - That's your thermocouple. - Oh. 405 00:15:01,254 --> 00:15:02,988 You get a little sediment in there 406 00:15:02,989 --> 00:15:04,578 or some rust, and you're done for. 407 00:15:04,579 --> 00:15:06,061 The thermocouple. Of course. 408 00:15:06,062 --> 00:15:07,374 Why didn't I think of that? 409 00:15:07,375 --> 00:15:09,743 Thanks, dad. I-I shouldn't be buggin' you with this stuff. 410 00:15:09,744 --> 00:15:11,488 Are you kiddin' me? I love to help. 411 00:15:11,632 --> 00:15:13,312 Makes me feel like you still need me. 412 00:15:13,313 --> 00:15:14,498 Of course I need you. 413 00:15:14,499 --> 00:15:16,089 You're the best when it comes to this. 414 00:15:16,090 --> 00:15:17,368 Anything else you need fixin'? 415 00:15:17,369 --> 00:15:18,488 Yeah, actually, 416 00:15:18,489 --> 00:15:20,792 I've been havin' a little trouble with my thumb. 417 00:15:21,468 --> 00:15:23,601 Oh, the old thumb. That's simple. 418 00:15:23,602 --> 00:15:26,745 Just push it back in and make that popping sound. 419 00:15:28,102 --> 00:15:30,154 - Oh, yeah, you're right. - There you go. 420 00:15:31,800 --> 00:15:34,930 Hey, make sure you tell Claire how pretty she looks tonight. 421 00:15:34,931 --> 00:15:36,104 A woman needs to hear that. 422 00:15:36,105 --> 00:15:37,534 You do the same with mom. 423 00:15:37,535 --> 00:15:40,634 No, your mom's a little tired of hearing how pretty Claire is. 424 00:15:41,100 --> 00:15:42,211 Good one! 425 00:15:42,985 --> 00:15:44,170 All right. Love you. 426 00:15:44,171 --> 00:15:45,340 Love you, too. 427 00:15:46,032 --> 00:15:47,312 Dad, we're home. 428 00:15:47,980 --> 00:15:48,773 Hey. 429 00:15:48,774 --> 00:15:52,077 That was the least fun I have ever had shopping ever. 430 00:15:52,078 --> 00:15:53,022 Here. 431 00:15:53,926 --> 00:15:57,143 Honey, that's a torque wrench, not a torx screwdriver. 432 00:15:57,144 --> 00:15:58,964 Okay, you're just screaming now. 433 00:15:58,965 --> 00:16:01,339 Can't you just go get it? You're the best at this stuff. 434 00:16:01,340 --> 00:16:03,389 Yeah, plus the car is doing something funny, 435 00:16:03,390 --> 00:16:04,444 and there's a light on the dashboard 436 00:16:04,445 --> 00:16:06,117 that looks like a little genie lamp. 437 00:16:06,355 --> 00:16:08,667 My kids are helpless, but maybe that's okay. 438 00:16:09,097 --> 00:16:10,891 Because years from now when they have their own houses, 439 00:16:10,892 --> 00:16:12,444 they'll call me on their hologram phones 440 00:16:12,445 --> 00:16:15,005 and say, "help me, dad. You're my only hope." 441 00:16:15,281 --> 00:16:17,577 And I'll be the happiest father in sector 7... 442 00:16:17,889 --> 00:16:19,969 Or sector 12, if we're doing really well. 443 00:16:20,806 --> 00:16:22,399 I don't know why your mom's so mad. 444 00:16:22,623 --> 00:16:23,747 Maybe it has something to do 445 00:16:23,748 --> 00:16:26,020 with giving your son away to a complete stranger. 446 00:16:26,021 --> 00:16:27,237 You're next. 447 00:16:27,351 --> 00:16:29,180 And what were you two doing in the mall, anyway? 448 00:16:29,181 --> 00:16:30,510 I thought you were seeing "Moby Dick." 449 00:16:30,511 --> 00:16:31,606 It was sold out. 450 00:16:31,607 --> 00:16:33,139 Maybe that's how you can make it up to her-- 451 00:16:33,140 --> 00:16:34,919 take me to the "Moby Dick" reading tomorrow. 452 00:16:34,920 --> 00:16:35,984 Nice try. 453 00:16:36,022 --> 00:16:37,757 Doing something selfless for her other son 454 00:16:37,758 --> 00:16:39,430 could make up for your monumental blunder. 455 00:16:39,431 --> 00:16:40,946 Maybe flowers or jewelry. 456 00:16:40,947 --> 00:16:42,284 I like to throw money at the problem. 457 00:16:42,285 --> 00:16:43,652 Hello, pretty lady. 458 00:16:43,653 --> 00:16:45,006 What do you wanna do for dinner? 459 00:16:45,007 --> 00:16:47,821 How about we exchange the baby for a cheese pizza? 460 00:16:47,822 --> 00:16:50,006 - Is this about today? - I'll call for those tickets. 461 00:16:50,502 --> 00:16:53,293 You were supposed to spend quality time with the baby. 462 00:16:53,294 --> 00:16:56,213 Joe was asleep. He didn't even know he missed the puppet show. 463 00:16:56,214 --> 00:16:57,549 It was the baby class! 464 00:16:57,550 --> 00:16:58,391 Okay, call it what you want. 465 00:16:58,392 --> 00:17:00,144 I saw a hippie with a frog on his hand. 466 00:17:00,145 --> 00:17:01,454 And for your information, 467 00:17:01,455 --> 00:17:03,482 I'm takin' Manny to that reading tomorrow. 468 00:17:03,483 --> 00:17:05,580 Now you're just trying to dig yourself out of a hole 469 00:17:05,581 --> 00:17:08,506 because you know that you were caught in a lie. 470 00:17:08,507 --> 00:17:09,930 - So here's something-- - Not now, Manny. 471 00:17:09,931 --> 00:17:10,842 Oh, let him talk. 472 00:17:10,843 --> 00:17:11,665 I called the theater, 473 00:17:11,666 --> 00:17:13,675 and they have tons of tickets for tomorrow's show. 474 00:17:13,893 --> 00:17:15,522 And it turns out today's show wasn't sold out, either. 475 00:17:15,523 --> 00:17:17,242 - Ay, Manny, not now. - Let him talk. 476 00:17:17,243 --> 00:17:18,589 Mom, why'd you say it was sold out? 477 00:17:18,590 --> 00:17:19,906 Yeah. Why'd you say it was sold out? 478 00:17:19,907 --> 00:17:23,066 It was a mistake. This is not my first language. 479 00:17:23,067 --> 00:17:25,293 I don't understand English very goodly. 480 00:17:25,294 --> 00:17:26,662 Don't play that card. 481 00:17:26,730 --> 00:17:28,691 You didn't wanna go any more than I did. 482 00:17:28,692 --> 00:17:32,283 Fine. I lied, but I earned that lie. 483 00:17:32,440 --> 00:17:34,425 Ay, Manny, I am so sorry. 484 00:17:34,426 --> 00:17:37,191 But you know that I am always trying to do everything 485 00:17:37,192 --> 00:17:39,360 for everybody in this family. 486 00:17:39,883 --> 00:17:41,147 But you. 487 00:17:41,567 --> 00:17:44,039 You only do what's good for you. 488 00:17:44,099 --> 00:17:45,754 Let me tell you something, Jay Pritchett-- 489 00:17:45,755 --> 00:17:48,074 when it comes to raising kids, 490 00:17:48,654 --> 00:17:50,430 you get what you give. 491 00:17:53,556 --> 00:17:55,637 Well, you rattled that off pretty goodly. 492 00:17:57,414 --> 00:17:58,934 You don't have to do this, daddy. 493 00:17:58,935 --> 00:18:01,224 I know, but daddy really wants to do this, okay? 494 00:18:01,390 --> 00:18:02,904 No, no, no. No, what do you think you're doing, Sadie? 495 00:18:02,905 --> 00:18:04,371 No cutsies. Come on. 496 00:18:04,372 --> 00:18:05,715 Next. 497 00:18:06,121 --> 00:18:06,867 Hello, Milo. 498 00:18:06,868 --> 00:18:09,113 Hello, one of Lily's dads. 499 00:18:09,114 --> 00:18:10,669 All right, let's make this interesting, okay? 500 00:18:10,670 --> 00:18:13,154 If I win, the new rule is this, okay? 501 00:18:13,155 --> 00:18:15,441 No player can play more than three times in a row 502 00:18:15,442 --> 00:18:16,722 without getting back in line 503 00:18:16,723 --> 00:18:18,025 and letting the other kids play. 504 00:18:18,026 --> 00:18:20,475 - What if I win? - Then I'll give you $20,000. 505 00:18:20,476 --> 00:18:22,468 - You're on. - All right. Let's do this. 506 00:18:26,177 --> 00:18:28,009 Yes! Whoo! 507 00:18:28,075 --> 00:18:29,348 One point for me. 508 00:18:29,349 --> 00:18:31,013 One point for me. That's right. 509 00:18:32,231 --> 00:18:33,830 Milo, the ball's over here. 510 00:18:33,831 --> 00:18:36,195 Nah, nah. Doesn't count. It was out. 511 00:18:36,837 --> 00:18:38,550 Aah! Little too high for you, huh? 512 00:18:38,746 --> 00:18:41,993 Three bounces to the wall makes you a lo-ser, 513 00:18:41,994 --> 00:18:43,780 makes you a lo-ser 514 00:18:43,781 --> 00:18:46,877 Final point. I get this, I win. 515 00:18:47,210 --> 00:18:48,689 Oh, sweet lord Jesus. 516 00:18:51,028 --> 00:18:54,053 Whoo! Yes! Yes! Winner! 517 00:18:54,054 --> 00:18:56,110 Cham-pi-on! Cham-pi-on! 518 00:18:56,175 --> 00:18:58,330 Cam's gonna be doing drop-offs for a while. 519 00:18:58,331 --> 00:19:00,051 We got a letter. 520 00:19:01,943 --> 00:19:03,358 I'm sure you're both wondering 521 00:19:03,359 --> 00:19:05,256 why I summoned you here tonight. 522 00:19:05,458 --> 00:19:08,362 I now present to you the "wow" factor. 523 00:19:09,636 --> 00:19:11,060 Cam... 524 00:19:13,306 --> 00:19:15,923 I cannot believe that you went rogue. 525 00:19:15,924 --> 00:19:18,202 Uncool. I am with Claire on this. 526 00:19:18,203 --> 00:19:19,900 You'll soon see why. 527 00:19:20,164 --> 00:19:21,748 Prepare your senses... 528 00:19:22,521 --> 00:19:24,360 for dancing waters. 529 00:19:26,878 --> 00:19:27,941 - Wow. - Wow. 530 00:19:27,942 --> 00:19:29,198 Factor. 531 00:19:29,695 --> 00:19:31,504 Now imagine a prospective buyer, 532 00:19:31,505 --> 00:19:33,681 so entranced by the aqua ballet, 533 00:19:33,682 --> 00:19:37,087 they're compelled instantly to make a rich offer. 534 00:19:37,088 --> 00:19:38,801 I've even stocked the pools 535 00:19:38,802 --> 00:19:40,682 with fish of gold. 536 00:19:41,285 --> 00:19:42,074 They're just goldfish, 537 00:19:42,075 --> 00:19:43,741 but they're-- they're right here. 538 00:19:46,348 --> 00:19:48,591 This is... this is really impressive, Cam. 539 00:19:48,592 --> 00:19:49,623 What did you spend? 540 00:19:49,624 --> 00:19:51,686 Quite a bit, actually, but I don't wanna get into that. 541 00:19:51,687 --> 00:19:54,079 Let me turn this up to eleventy-five. 542 00:19:57,189 --> 00:19:58,363 - Wow. - Wow. 543 00:19:58,364 --> 00:19:59,517 Factor. 544 00:20:00,826 --> 00:20:02,486 Hey, Cam, are fish of gold 545 00:20:02,487 --> 00:20:04,217 supposed to swim backwards like that? 546 00:20:04,218 --> 00:20:05,698 No, not to my knowledge, no. 547 00:20:05,890 --> 00:20:07,269 Yeah, it's kind of like they're all-- 548 00:20:07,270 --> 00:20:08,947 they're gathering towards that thing. 549 00:20:08,948 --> 00:20:10,260 - It's like a-- - Oh, no! 550 00:20:12,377 --> 00:20:13,799 - Ew! Ew! - You're killing them! 551 00:20:14,330 --> 00:20:16,368 Claire! Unplug it! 552 00:20:16,369 --> 00:20:18,693 It's half a fish! That's a half a fish! 553 00:20:18,694 --> 00:20:20,496 There are certain queer times and occasions 554 00:20:20,497 --> 00:20:23,080 in this strange, mixed affair we call life... 555 00:20:23,134 --> 00:20:24,993 when a man takes this whole universe 556 00:20:24,994 --> 00:20:26,963 for a vast practical joke... 557 00:20:28,902 --> 00:20:31,335 Though the wit thereof he but dimly discerns... 558 00:20:31,336 --> 00:20:32,663 Tick-tick-tick, tick-tick-tick-tick, 559 00:20:32,664 --> 00:20:34,420 "boom-boom" goes the dynamite, 560 00:20:34,421 --> 00:20:36,234 "boom-boom" goes the dynamite! 561 00:20:36,235 --> 00:20:37,951 And more than suspects that the joke 562 00:20:37,952 --> 00:20:40,840 is at nobody's expense but his own. 563 00:20:53,184 --> 00:20:55,208 - All right. Close your eyes. - Why? 564 00:20:55,316 --> 00:20:56,732 - Just trust me. - Okay. 565 00:20:58,349 --> 00:20:59,887 - Ow! - Never close your eyes on the court! 566 00:20:59,888 --> 00:21:01,770 - But you told me-- - Don't let me get in your head! 567 00:21:01,771 --> 00:21:04,468 Pop 'em! Pop 'em all before they hit the ground! Go! 568 00:21:05,315 --> 00:21:07,011 I don't really understand how... 569 00:21:07,034 --> 00:21:09,041 Make a fist with your thumb on the side. 570 00:21:09,240 --> 00:21:10,756 Now bring your thumb to the front. 571 00:21:10,757 --> 00:21:12,023 Okay, now do it again. 572 00:21:12,454 --> 00:21:15,042 Ha! You just spelled "ass" in sign language. 573 00:21:16,763 --> 00:21:18,435 Okay. Close your eyes. 574 00:21:18,712 --> 00:21:20,495 It's okay. We're off the court. 575 00:21:21,620 --> 00:21:23,342 You're never off the court! 576 00:21:24,121 --> 00:21:27,621 Synced by YYeTs, corrected by gloriabg www.addic7ed.com 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net